Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #519 - Jim Norton

Episode Date: September 25, 2017

Jim Norton, a Comedian who is currently on his "Kneeling Room Only Tour," and also hosts "Jim and Sam" on SiriusXM, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: ... ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 09/24/2017.
  

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Starting point is 00:00:00 The church is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com right now and press in church and get 10% off any of your supplements I can't help you with the weights and the fucking gorilla bells and shit, but shroom tech You know hemp force all that type of stuff. I got you Go to Onit.com right now. Are you hiring? Do you know what opposed to job to find the best candidate? Let me help you out Go to zip recruiter find that today why zip recruiter has been used by businesses of all sizes to find the most qualified job candidates with the most immediate results that zip recruiter Com slash church and right now my listeners could post jobs on zip recruiter for free
Starting point is 00:00:39 That's right free. Just go to zip recruiter.com slash church again zip recruiter.com slash church kick that motherfucking mule Lee The church cock suckers Monday the 25th of September As good as it fucking gets right here You Get ready to fucking shoot yourself right here many nights on acid I was ready to shoot myself right here Yeah
Starting point is 00:01:57 Are you kidding me or what turn off fucking reand it's over this is it cock suckers This might be my favorite Sabbath song all time either this or uh a national acrobat Um off of uh I love that love that song tremendous He's got a couple of those jams that you listen to when you were young and you're like, I don't know. He's on to something Yeah, what's that king of the world is it? Lord of this world. Oh lord of this world off master reality. Yeah, that's amazing Let me tell you something Jim Norton the first time I bought master reality
Starting point is 00:02:35 I put on three songs. I took it off and I swore I'd never listen to it. You didn't like it or it freaked you out It freaked me out. It was just too deep for uncle Joey. My mom had just died I bought it the same night the exorcist was on tv And I put the album on as I was watching the exorcist doing homework and I'm like, what the fuck hang the pope on a rope Yeah, do you think he's a fool get this shit off my mind? I liked volume four and Sabbath by Sabbath and Technical ecstasy and the whole thing that I might didn't get back into till years later That was a really pro god album though. Like after forever is kind of pro god. It's funny I argue with a religious teacher about this in high school. My gym my gym teacher was a born-again Christian
Starting point is 00:03:14 Who would always do coke and uh, he fucked the students and he eventually overdosed and died But he was like a real christ pusher. What a great story. He was yeah, yeah And we would talk about this and I and the album he was like it's against god I'm like, no, it's actually pro god. It was uh, it was kind of coming from the point if you have criticizing people who didn't Uh, believe it was an odd song for Sabbath to do you really loved them from day one I did my favorite people of all time bigger than kiss. You love them more than kiss was longer Um, you know, it's funny kiss in my first idols my first heroes were kissed I you know, could they make up when you're seven years old?
Starting point is 00:03:46 You know, I mean men in fucking makeup a little did I know how long that would carry over for But uh, you know when you're a kid they're like giants. They're like fucking You know, they're gods. They had the heels the makeup fire like as a kid. They it was just larger than life Uh, but Sabbath is my favorite ever. They can't not be I love them. I love them Fucking Naomi's an animal. He's got stage two cancer and he you know, did the album and did the whole tour did two tours What stage two stays you cancer? Unfucking yeah, what's going on in your world? Great to have you on. Thank you. It's good to be I'm okay I'm touring again. So I'm like kind of like obsessed with fucking ticket counts now
Starting point is 00:04:21 It's not fun to tour because all you think about is is Am I dying? Is it over? Am I finished? Am I finished? It's a fucking horror show. What am I doing? This is not sold out. Uh, it's half sold or it's three quarters sold or like what I You know, it's not fun. It's not about the gig And then you do the gig and people laugh and both shows so far I don't think I've done too Seattle importantly. They were amazing the crowds were amazing But I still find fault in it because they weren't sold out like they were nice crowds But they weren't it's like you can't win
Starting point is 00:04:51 You know, I feel like I can't win. I mean I can when I'm by when I mean be happy like I can't just feel good that I'm touring and people loving the material You know what I mean? I look at the negatives. We all do. Yeah, I guess I wasn't filled up But there were still 2,000 people Who gives a fuck? Yeah, I don't they laugh. They fucking giggled. They knocked themselves out I see a listen. I just look at the same thing a couple weeks ago that fucking Conor McGregor fight The whole weekend was great till saturday night. Yeah, and you know the tickets went on sale after I took the fucking gig So you knew what saturday night was going and when I got the numbers for saturday, that was heartbroken
Starting point is 00:05:26 What was it a club there's a club, you know, I did like 150 a show I was heartbroken But that that that was yeah, it's a fight. It's a giant broken said he did 20 to 20 seats for 500 people didn't show Because fucking they announced to McGregor fight after this A ticket for this tickets were on sale So my dad worked at nightclubs and he would be pissed when it would rain like there's just some things you can't You can do everything right and then rain happens or A snowstorm like in buffalo last year when they had 11 feet of snow or something crazy
Starting point is 00:05:55 What are you gonna do if you ever show at the helium? Let me tell you something There's some cities you go to when there's a fucking playoff Oh forget one event like houston or denver One of those towns where you're in no fucking danger. You're just in no danger You can't compete with that those midwest towns that sports is fucking everything, you know But the club knows that I get shit like hey, uh, You know, we don't we don't know what's happening bread is touring Uh, they're gonna be here in four months and I guess people are saving up for those tickets
Starting point is 00:06:24 I get lame. I don't I don't get the cowboys are in the playoffs this weekend. I get shitty You know, uh, there's a there's a benetar cover band. They're really popular around here You know a saturday is gonna be horrible when you can't sell out a saturday comedy club It's time to put a fucking pistol in your mouth Because half of them sell out with a fucking hologram They sell out with a hologram the fucking hologram. They'll sell out people want to go out on saturday I want to go to the movies. Yeah, you come to town. It's a tough You know, I love stand-up more when I was broke
Starting point is 00:06:51 I think you're right I loved it when I was just fucking around going to bars Lucky to make any money lucky to make 30s or 50 and 80 you struggled Once you get and all you want is an open mic or a feature actors to headline Yeah, then it becomes this different fucking situation radio and tickets and oh, do you have a publicist? Oh, I need a fucking publicist now of a sudden because the club don't want to do the work Even though on the fucking thing they bang you for three grand for advertising. Sure. Sure the fuck what advertising you do What I want to I want to see the fucking ads. Yeah, that's what you need a road manager
Starting point is 00:07:21 You actually look for the receipts for the fucking receipts. It's uh, it's one thing after the other to really Catch it. You got to fucking bring 22 fucking people and bring somebody with a fucking seat counter Because you know have these clubs pad the fucking place with an extra 50 chairs Well, yeah, they do We matter if I Kenny has caught them before and Kenny was coming with me He caught a club putting in almost 50 extra seats Or when you have a good thursday's like, yeah, we papered the room But you know the contract said you can only have 10 fucking seats unless we approve and they do it. Anyway, they're all shitty
Starting point is 00:07:50 They're all shitty man So I get why why people get big and then kind of act shitty Or scummy to them But you know the obsession over ticket counts and that kind of stuff It just defeats the fun of doing it and then the times it's not fun because You obsess over the business side of it or the other side of it and the laughs don't even matter Like you start looking at the ticket counts It's just like all the laughs don't matter because who cares how many people
Starting point is 00:08:12 It was just stupid. It's the wrong way to look at it, but it's hard not to fall into that No, it's a tough fucking way then your agents call you. Hey, the the club wants to do those things those two for ones What do you call it? Yeah, they were spiraling getting frail. No, the other one. What's the ghost are a group? That drives me crazy because then they do it every night. Yeah, you go to get the thing And they did 22 group bonds and I really yeah 22 group bonds a night you did you thieve in motherfuckers No, you didn't know you're fucking dead. There's not even 22 people on fucking group. Yeah They are one group on I love it. I never been on it. I go on it. Oh, yeah for different shit. What do you buy? One time my acupuncturist was in israel
Starting point is 00:08:49 So I fucking had to go to a different chick to get cupped So I bought five cuppings over here on studio city from some fucking chick that Smelt like incense and shit. It wasn't even worth the aggravation Intense and I smelled though. No, but she was too creepy for me if it was two it was two la Oh, okay. I got an old Jewish lady from the village that fucking flows a couple needles in me once a week with no drama There's no skepticism. Do you like I did acupuncture recently and actually helped I fell asleep on the table Yeah, no, no, no, it's tremendous and the first I know for I know one thing for a fact See I usually go to acupuncture on Tuesdays and it sucks
Starting point is 00:09:23 Because they tell you when you're gonna acupuncture do yourself a favor Drink two gallons of water and stay home and put your feet up. Don't do dick But Tuesday night it's such a big comedy night. You gotta go on sure But I'll tell you what this time I fall asleep on a Tuesday and I sleep hard And it's from those needles. They they do it for you. You tell her to put a couple extra needles for sleep They they wind your engine down There's a fucking thing in your ear. Well, when I walk in she'll It's like a piercing
Starting point is 00:09:50 And she'll he'll fucking spend she'll make it spin On the way home. I'm like, why the fuck I should have brought a pillow From the 405 or something like that. You get the my you get the needle sometimes over the fingernail hurts Between the toes hurts in the in the middle of the forehead I've gotten them everywhere, but between the finger webbing hurts toe webbing hurts And the ones that hit the little bone above your fucking right right where the skin meets the finger I don't do the feet I don't mind the feet. You know that, you know, she could you know, actually wait the next time you go pull her side
Starting point is 00:10:19 Throwing it to 15. Let me in she's um I want a hard on I could drill fucking streets with And those chinese people they got a fucking way that they'll put 22 needles in you and your dick will get so hard Like I asked the ones like all this stuff with testosterone Do you have a treatment for that? She goes, yeah, but it's done through the feet It's a fucking nightmare. It hurts hurts like fuck. Really? I think they get a heart of dick. It's through the feet too She's told me already because I've been going on for 10 years 11 years
Starting point is 00:10:48 So I have you know, I fuck around with him and say off color shit to her So I asked the ones anybody come in here to get their dick hard and she goes I have a system that's so good that the guy came back And said to turn it off really because he was fucking everything. He couldn't stop fucking So what is it that it does? I guess it just gets the blood flow. It's all blood flow. It's all blood flow Yeah, that's all that it's a caver jet in your feet. It was so weird how my ankles were really fucking swollen That's when you know a fat guy's about to go When you see a fat guy look at his ankles
Starting point is 00:11:17 I don't care if he weighs 900 pounds if his ankles are skinny He's got a chance. Yeah, but when you see those big ankles and they're trying to get red He's got a couple days left Yeah, and my ankles are like that and she told me she goes well first I'm going to do is To get that blood flow today because all acupuncture really is this circulation Circulating through all those. What do they call those things? Uh veins. No Chakras or chakras. Yeah, there's different spots and they put the needle in there and they got a lot of different shit going on
Starting point is 00:11:46 I mean, they really do chakras a good pervert word This is how like al gore, you know Ho-ta, remember al gore had that thing with a massage therapist and and then I believed her because she said that al was saying Hey, my uh My chakras need work. That's that's like a midsection word where you want a girl to put her hand by your dick That's why I believed her because she said that uh al was asking for his chakras To be massage and if you say that you're a fucking creep you're a fucking creep. You're a creep. Whatever happened with uh I forget his name now the guy who has the plane. He was in greece. He had like 18. Muhammad hatha
Starting point is 00:12:20 No, no the Whatever the white guy's name is he had like six or seven male Uh Massage travolta travolta. Whatever happened. I never heard of like a ending to that story. They pay him off I'm guessing that the church of Scientology sends a guy with a black suit And they give you a check for 30 grand. They said move on with your life and they break into your house and steal it from you Yeah, they're fucking creepy fucking people of Scientology They'll give you the check, but then they'll do something and fuck with your life. You know, I don't like terralta has done that
Starting point is 00:12:47 I don't know. You know travolta is fun. He's a weird kid. I think everybody feels that he is But nobody Can prove it. There's a picture of him kissing a guy like in a plane and it just goes away I don't know how and and then some people Fucking drop an n-bomb on twitter and their careers are ruined. You know what I mean? It's amazing what can stick and what can be you know, have that whole delahoya panties then go away But because listen panties Wonder woman suit in the closet. What's the coke guy that got the fucking spider-man suit in the closet the coke guy charity
Starting point is 00:13:18 No, no, the other guy that he was he's a great actor. You know, he uh Less than zero when he went deep and then he came back Robert Downey jr. Robert Downey jr. He got caught with a fucking batman suit in his closet and the whole fucking thing with a bag of blow Listen that that shit is very passe You know what? Joe Rogan's gay. Jim Norton's gay. Joe Diaz's gay. Who doesn't huh? You got a picture. You got a picture of Jim Norton swapping spit with arty lang. Who gives a fuck nobody wants to see I'd like to see that. I'd like to see that. So an Anthony Kumiya. Anthony would love to see that
Starting point is 00:13:50 But it's so funny how it's passe You know, uh, John Travolta's gay. Tell us something. We fucking don't know who cares. Tell us something. We fucking don't know anymore It doesn't mean anything Somebody tell me that they Kevin Hart's in trouble again. Yeah, there's a fuck no one cares. He's a millionaire He's gonna he's gonna fuck 80,000 women at three mil a pop and they don't even dent his bank account Okay, who who who else got look at this other guy. He's got a fucking coat. He's still selling records pissing on Or telly Yeah, some shit sticks
Starting point is 00:14:23 But then Kathleen fucking Griffin puts a picture of a fucking president with a head That's right as she gets canceled even from fucking a fucker Did you know that fuck even bananas canceled that one bananas cancels you in jersey? Yeah, you're in trouble You got a fucking problem. You've been cancelled it. So who knows what the fuck you're gonna do That's gonna end it. Right. It's the stuff you don't see coming You know, the major ones that you it's the one thing you say on twitter It's the one rebuttal you say to someone you call the role in a cunt or something like that or you comment On how ugly your kid is and you find out it's a special needs kid and you didn't know it
Starting point is 00:14:57 Like it's only that one thing that snowballs that somehow sticks, but then some guys are just teflon I guess it all depends on the crisis management team you have Working for you if you have enough people and enough lawyers, you can shut anything up Are you guys careful about what you say on email now? I'm careful about everything I say But I can get me sued publicly and uh, yeah and on email a careful short emails been coming out a lot recently And it seems like I think people used to think it was private, but it's coming out What would you write on email like I would never threaten some man email people do it I would never go to a chick and say suck my dick on email. There's no fucking track paper
Starting point is 00:15:31 That's common fucking sense. Well, this is things you'll say like, uh, you know You could talk shit about somebody that you know to somebody else You might bash somebody to somebody else and then all of a sudden it comes that's the part of sony They caught these people talking all this shit about the people that you know these performers Yeah, fuck them. They deserve to get busted. You know, just pick up the phone and go gym knowing I don't really like the fucking yeah God knows that call has been made before in showbiz. Yeah Why the fuck are you emailing people back and forth to let people know what you think it's on paper?
Starting point is 00:16:00 Yeah, would you take I'm married. I don't want nobody texting me saying do you want to lick my balls? My phone is an abomination. It's an abomination my phone Nothing but fucking filth Nothing I finally cut the text off. Did you you can't text me no more. Nobody can't it's over. Yeah done I don't even know that was a service. Yeah, that's a sir. Why because I'm sick of them It gets out of control. It just they just go crazy. You want to call? Yeah, just call me because if I call you I sit you the fuck out Yeah, but the text is good. You don't even know who's texting you after time
Starting point is 00:16:32 I don't even know who's texting me after I'm addicted to it. I'm addicted to that rush or that little red Like it's hard not to look at my phone. I resolve crisis through my phone Everything is done through the phone. What kind of crisis do you just any type of like I'm having this relationship thing now Where I'm just really frazzled man and my ex-girlfriend's helping me actually We're talking a lot and I'm like just going through it. Do you think that she might have meant, you know I'm just dysfunctional. I'm really and I'm not saying that because I you think comedians are supposed to be dysfunctional I'm fucking 49 and I stink at being involved. I stink at it I'm terrible at it. It always ends badly
Starting point is 00:17:07 You know, I don't know what I want How long you married? I'm rid of a 17 fucking. Oh, that's that's that's good. Yeah, but it's something that I don't know. I don't feel I feel like at times. I don't give a what I should like Yeah, but We're setting all ways Jim, you know, you're setting your ways when you come to relationships The shit I won't even fucking tolerate in my world I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about and that's why I lost my first wife. No, this is the second time I've been married
Starting point is 00:17:41 What will you tolerate? just I don't we have one fucking life Somebody says they love you. You love me. That means don't break my fucking balls All right, that means just don't break my fucking balls. I after five years You get to understand a person's patterns And I get you get to understand my patterns even if for fucking roommates I get to know your patterns. So how fucking stupid are you?
Starting point is 00:18:08 You know what I'm saying that you can't figure out what is going on here and I can't figure out what's going on with you My problem is I figure out the pattern But then I don't like something in it So I try to change their pattern I get mad when they try to change mine, but I love to figure out that pattern That's a good way to put it But then a lot of times I see things I don't like in it And I harp on those things and I try to change that i'm a fucking psychopath like I really am crazy, man
Starting point is 00:18:33 Me too, but this is the thing You have to look at people some like when I was young If a girl sucked two dicks, I wouldn't date him. Really? Yeah, I was not only when I dated her I'd kiss her when she was done. I was one of those facts. Oh, I'm a fucking. I was one of those guys I was completely creepy bad if if if I went to a bar and I was talking to a girl and you pulled me aside And said I fucked her in the ass two months ago. I don't need to talk to this really you wanted them pure I wanted to have my I don't want them to fucking uh Because some world on the line is going to bother me
Starting point is 00:19:04 It will You know and I had that problem in my 20s and early 30s Then one day you're like who gives a fuck when they fuck look at the fucking animals you fucked I finger banged an indian with a yeast infection fucking uh in Idaho Who am I the judge when a woman blows if she blows a hindu a fucking dirty homeless dude? What do I give a fuck yeah, I'm saying so you you just And other things you also start lowering your standards Sure, just like women do when you're 22 everybody wants farah force it when you're 40 and you're single you'll take a chubby chick
Starting point is 00:19:36 Yeah, sissarian scar and a fucking missing tooth. Yeah, yeah, she's got insurance. You got a nice car But she'll work harder too. You know she'll work. She'll work harder. It's that that too, but I didn't want to die alone. I was young. I wanted to be charles bronson I want to live by myself and be rugged and I don't know what you're talking about backhand women You know and push them and shit and leave them money after you fuck them like charles bronson Who wants to die alone? You know, I've been thinking about that too. I'm 49 and I I don't feel like a midlife crisis where I want to buy a sports car and you know, meet the younger I've always did a younger chick, but now I just feel like yeah, man, you've been alone a long time
Starting point is 00:20:15 You're set in your ways And I kind of met somebody recently who I think I fell in love with And I just think it's falling apart now and it's been really fucking depressing me like really depressing me that I couldn't make this work And I might still be able to make it work. I don't know But if this one doesn't work, I mean, I don't know what options I have because this one seemed on paper to be perfect And it's not but I'm not I'm fucked up. Like it's my shit. I think She's not perfect and my shit just kind of I like to test people and then when they don't pass I can leave them It's crazy. What's the test
Starting point is 00:20:55 You know Put a scenario where I'm gonna somehow be less than like I remember one girl I was Making her tell me that her boyfriend her ex boyfriend had a bigger dick And I was somehow convincing her to say that she preferred that and she was like, no, I like your dick But I just wouldn't stop and then when she said it I felt devastated But the goal all along was to feel devastated. So it's almost like none of this is about the woman
Starting point is 00:21:20 It's all about me feeling fucked up. I want to feel bad. Like I like to be my ex-girlfriend just pointed out to me She goes you like to be wronged And I'm like, I do like to be wronged. I like to be fucking hurt and wounded It feels natural and comfortable like that feeling Between your your throat and in your appendix scar We are like, oh, it's like that that ache that you had when you were a kid And you wanted to date a girl who didn't like you like I've told this before in high school my fantasies about girls I used to fantasize about being in the high school
Starting point is 00:21:51 auditorium or in the lunch area And being savagely beaten like with bats and being bloody and fighting and then somehow Uh, she liked me after like I always had this weird association of like horrible Things happening and then love comes first the horrible thing And then the love comes in that like resolving the horrible thing Like I don't know why I felt like I had to have that awful feeling in the stomach before I could enjoy being loving
Starting point is 00:22:23 So when I didn't get that naturally I set it up. I try to set it up and make it happen. It's crazy Very interesting. It's it's self-destructive. Let me answer this when you get on stage. How do you feel? It depends on the night depends on the ticket counts depends on where I am sometimes. I feel great and creative go away Uh, what do you mean all that feeling? Yes last night. That's it all go away last night I was in portland And ticket counts weren't what I want. I wanted but the crowd was amazing And I before I went on I was in such a pit Sitting upstairs in the green room. I'm like, I really want to fucking throw a belt around my neck
Starting point is 00:23:01 I'm like really don't want to and I always do shows But it was absolute despair and then when I was on It went away and I still felt it and I was still thinking about it But the crowd was so good and you know how it is when you're feeling creative and you you feel great And it was just where I felt so Disasterously bad that nothing mattered on stage. So it was good You know when you're free, you're usually much funnier and I felt very free and comfortable Um, and then right after I was right back to where I was
Starting point is 00:23:32 So but that out your but it all did go away On stage was great. You're a brilliant guy. Thank you. I don't feel finish this go Talk to somebody see what you could do, you know, I guys like you and me will never go talk to nobody Collins I called Collin Quinn today Uh, you know, I was in a bad way today and I called him and uh, he's like yeah, go to a therapist and I'm like, yeah, probably We're at an age now. It's too much. What's that? We're at an age now you're 49 i'm 54. It's it's really no difference This business has worn us out
Starting point is 00:24:09 Relationships have worn us out life. You know what I'm saying and also me. I've worn me out of my own Yeah, no, no, we're all the same. It's just you know, I turn on fucking CNN a month ago on a sunday I'm at home with them and it's a show about comics and depression And i'm sitting there going these motherfuckers don't have a fucking clue as I do with depression it's what We brew with inside As comics we're always brewing something and I fucking had someone only child You know reefer feeds the fucking parade in my head, you know, I'm writing a book right now. I'm trying to get the
Starting point is 00:24:43 first four chapters for the proposal Another chapter three. I'm like, what the fuck there's no women in these books When I was young I wanted to get my dick sucked snorkel and smoke pot relationship wasn't gonna happen Right, you know how I think let me tell you how perverted I was I look at a woman and go What the fuck am I gonna do for her? I'm a thief I got no job. I got no high school diploma. I got no family What am I gonna do for this fucking girl? I would talk myself out of Yeah, I wanted to fuck
Starting point is 00:25:19 Do a couple lunches Maybe a hand job, maybe a movie and once you started talking about family and kids I'd disappear Because there was nothing I could do for you as a man. Nothing. Plus. Did you want to do that though? Like meaning Absolutely. I know. No. I wanted a family. I had my family. My sister's in cuba gym My mother's in a hole. My father's in a hole You know, yeah, I wanted to build my own thing But what the fuck was I gonna do for this pretty girl? Who didn't even smoke dope? What was I gonna do? Right? What was I gonna do?
Starting point is 00:25:51 Yeah, what was I gonna do got a car and do a robbery? Eventually it would just fuck her up, right? You know, I feel bad for the chicks that I did blow with and sucked my boss Like today, there must be sitting there just going like this with that face. Go. What was I thinking? You ever think about that? She's like she was a dirty fuck. Yeah, she's at home 20 years later going me Jesus Christ I put butter on his nuts And licked it. What the fuck, you know, did you really do girl do that to you? Who me? Yeah Oh, I did that to them, you know, I put anything on your pussy whipped cream chocolate syrup
Starting point is 00:26:22 I'm a savage. I put syrup up your asshole. I don't like the sweet stuff. Oh, yeah, I put a little syrup on an asshole It's like a dairy queen sundae without the cherry. He just licked that motherfucker. You like that. Oh a little syrup on him I like it raw and plain I like it raw and plain a little sweaty. Yeah, I like them to go to yoga Maybe do some jumping generally push-ups like bike or get a city bike ride home Yeah, that's it a little bike ride home Where they fucking torture that clip. Yeah, I love all Look at poor. I look how you said a little sweaty and you're talking about yoga glass a bike. Oh, that's delicious
Starting point is 00:26:57 And that little bat opens up and that little whiff comes out of sweat and fucking the judge Yeah, but you're talking about the asshole. You're not talking about that. Yeah, it's the same. It's got some wang to it That's it. I like that you pull a little sniff to it, you know, but you know like what what do you What do you sniff before you bite into this something particular your mom makes it you go Where your nose that's what you do the ass you get a little whiff always and once you whiff it you commit it Even if it smells like that you got to lick it the nose nose when Do you go do you go with like the tip of the tongue or is it like like a ice cream cone? You go the whole way
Starting point is 00:27:27 Well, if it's dirty, it's a tip of the tongue and you take your chances And if it's fucking delicious, then you lick it like it's uh, you know If you know, it's dirty what you do is the old trick is you get your mouth really wet And you drip spit into it and then just lick your own spit That's a trick to take a lot of the stink out like a lot That's one thing you do with an asshole is dirty and I've gotten my share of dirty ones. Oh my god I've gotten my share and sometimes it impresses you when the chick shows up with dirty ass So you're like, you're a fucking savage. You know, that's how bad you are
Starting point is 00:27:58 I don't mind if it stinks a little like I like body scent on the right person Which is why it's so hard with this girl. I'm not gonna I don't know if I'm gonna date because her body scent makes me crazy It's hard to find that it's hard to find that. I won't even with her. No, we've only been dating exclusively for a little over a month We've been talking since december or we've gone on vacation together I just I don't know man. I think I think it's done. I don't know. I hope it isn't I hope not too. You're a fun guy, but I'm not always forgiving like I I can't let things go Do you ever like Are you a do you ever have an argument but in your head you're like
Starting point is 00:28:32 This isn't really as big of a deal to me as I'm making it. Yes, because I like the high of the argument Sometimes that happens. I'll be like, oh, this isn't like I'll notice. I like that's not I'm just I'm just saying these words And I don't I don't apologize, but it's just I don't know I've noticed and it's I noticed it because it's I didn't notice it before when I was younger And I would get I would like lose friendships or something And now I see it, but I don't stop it. Yeah, it's hard to You're it's almost like you're watching a movie of yourself. Yeah arguing like one thing with this girl
Starting point is 00:29:02 I haven't done and I actually got this advice from bill burr of all people Was like, yeah, dude, no name calling and I always called names fucking con you bit always I thought that's how you argued and uh, this one is the first one I didn't even though we're having a thing now and we had a long talk today that was not pleasant But it wasn't nasty. I didn't curse at her. I didn't go. Yeah, but you're fucked up. I kept telling like look I'm not mad at you. It's just it is this what it is. You're not fucked Like I didn't I didn't a lot of the stuff I've done before I didn't do this time Um, which again like that whole thing when you're saying horrendous shit to a person like how am I saying this to this person?
Starting point is 00:29:37 This is terrible stuff. I'm saying but you're like watching a movie yourself. It doesn't feel real and then when you're done, you're like That was terrible. I still Wake up in the middle of the night the arguments I had with my ex-wife Thinking of them Yeah, how out of bounds I was and how out of bounds she was, you know, and uh How you get into your car and you just fucking boil of You're hot because she said things that obviously hurt you. Yeah, but even you saying those things to her Destroy you, you know, they they take a piece out of you, you know
Starting point is 00:30:14 I spoke to my ex-wife about two years ago and I stopped her in the conversation. I told her so listen What have happened outside the courthouse that day are here or there? I'm really sorry about because till today I still remember those conversations and The shit I said We're young was stupid That's what part of it is, you know Yeah, you learn and and that's it's something about myself that I like with this woman Is I've been honest with her
Starting point is 00:30:46 Like I'm a liar when it comes to relationships. I lie. I cheat. I'm fucking I'm despicable Um, and then I feel victimized if you lie to me or cheat on me But with this girl, I was straight and uh, she's pretty straight with me too. She's young She's not perfect um You know and I have to realize that people make mistakes too Like you got to give people room to fuck up not a devastating fuck up, but she fucked up And she talked to someone she wasn't supposed to talk to
Starting point is 00:31:19 Um, and she she might have been willing to hang out with them. I don't know Um, but they didn't she never you know, she she never met the person she was talking to a lot So I'm like, how do I want to ruin things over this? I don't know You know what I mean? Like do I want to take that fucking though? I'm justified wrecking the real I don't I don't know if I want to ruin it or not That's a real crossroads. It's the last couple days has been bad pretty bad How many fucking relationships? Did I end that everybody got hurt because
Starting point is 00:31:48 I couldn't get over something small. Yeah, it's exactly not getting over harping on it I couldn't get over something small Like when I lived at the strip for four years, those are the worst arguments I had every night I acted like a fucking child like a fucking child Did she ever do something she wasn't supposed to do with a client though all the time? She was a dirty animal She was a dirty animal. What and you know You date people you hang out with somebody somebody says to you Hi, jim. How you doing? You start dating them and all of a sudden you go. How do you make a living?
Starting point is 00:32:21 You're like one from 12 to 8. I deliver coke Yeah, you know what I'm saying You would never hang out with somebody who did that sure because a pussy's good And you kind of in love or you're tolerated for a fucking while Yeah, and then pretty pretty soon, you know, she's not your corner at lunchtime and Oh, I went over to a client and he invited me in and we did a few black. What are you talking about? You know, right? There's always those After the stripper
Starting point is 00:32:47 I dated a couple girls. It wasn't gonna fucking work And I met my wife and I liked her and I said, you know what this one would play completely different. Yeah I'm not doing the same things I did with the other three Because you have here's the other thing too You dated people when you were just a civilian Dating people as a comic as a complete different fucking animal unless they know the life Unless they know their life at the beginning the first 96 months. It's a great time. Oh my god. Jim is so cute. He's so funny Oh my god, how do you live with oh, we went to dinner then one day when he disappears for two weeks
Starting point is 00:33:25 When you're knocked up with the fucking kid, you know, they don't like it that much no more When you're calling up going me and Joey went to spark steakhouse and I She's an Idaho in a fucking three bedroom house with everything But she's like i'm stuck here with a kid. It don't last the labs don't fucking last You know, they want to they get jealous. They get angry at the resentful of the life you have In fact, you're out and she's not out To I keep the light I go out three days a shot. I come right home. Jim. No, you do right. Yeah, I come right home I go I really work hard on this relationship. So she's not alone for long
Starting point is 00:33:58 Yeah, I really really when the beginning I was an animal the first five years of this relationship. I was a fucking hell I was on the road constantly sure holidays. I come back Christmas day a birthday never celebrated the first five years always December 29th You're doing a new year's weekend. Is that what our birthday is? Yeah You're doing a fucking new year's gig g yeah, of course and number two when you're broke I gotta come up with a Christmas present a fucking birthday present. I gotta disappear for three days I gotta get that new year's day check and then come back and go. Oh my god. I had your present Yeah, I was away, but I was away the whole fucking deal
Starting point is 00:34:36 Uh, I worked with her really weird the first five years and then when I was shooting the longest yard was when I realized I'm going for this no more fucking around with her. This is a waste of her time And a waste of my time and I went for it and I worked on it You know, I really worked on it and that's why I didn't want to go out of fucking one time loser That killed me the hardest part is like is like you said when you're wrong It's hard to forgive another person like Because again, I like to feel wounded. I like to feel shitty. So when they do something that wrongs me That's what I wanted because now I feel I can keep using it to make myself feel bad
Starting point is 00:35:16 You know, I mean so I like so I harp on it and I keep it because not because I can't forgive somebody But because it's such a valuable weapon. I can use on myself and I can feel so Shitty whenever I want by bringing that up and I can sabotage our good time whenever I want Just with that little fucking thing a little you could beat dinner across from her a month later Think about that and steam yourself up and I'll just start asking creepy questions So let me answer this that time you went online. You said you didn't know what was I thought about it And now when I just we get fucking creepy. Yeah, I used to do that shit. I had to cut that off So you see you I knew I know you were texting with him
Starting point is 00:35:54 What do you mean you're working to meet up with like yeah Like they I don't know why but if they grill me like that. I'm like, you know, I'm angry and I'm so And then sometimes you're right. That's the worst there are times when you're right like yeah She was being a shady twat and I caught her That's the worst that was the worst curse I've ever had is that I've been right a few times And then when you're right a few times you never let it go You never you could you never can like Because I it felt the same
Starting point is 00:36:22 Or if she's lying to you about something and you know what now you know what her lying face looks like Like oh my god, you sincere cunt you looked exactly like you did when you said I love you two days ago The same genuine look on your face And meanwhile, I know you were fucking instant messaging with this other guy while I was talking to you Now baby, I love you so much But with someone else So so basically what I'm saying is you have the same ability to lie. I do Because I'm a liar
Starting point is 00:36:50 So it's like it's hard when I know that she is the same ability to lie that I have You know, I like to be the only one who can do that and with by the way, whenever a woman tells you I'm a terrible liar Shut up. No, you're not No, you're not No woman who says I'm a terrible liar is a terrible liar. They're great liars I Ships we can't live with them. Yeah, and we can't fucking live with I don't know how I don't know how to not I don't know how to not
Starting point is 00:37:21 Hang on to stuff. I don't know how to do it Do you ever look what about like something that she didn't even wrong you would feel like Like that wouldn't look and on a Seinfeld joke, but like in Seinfeld like uh, I don't like the way She sleeps or I don't like the way she she drives or like something weird that has no impact on your life You know, I haven't had that with this girl for me. It'll be normally something physically Like like I'll look at her from the side one day And I'll be like, oh no She has a fucking rocky Dennis smile
Starting point is 00:37:51 Or she has a fucking mole that I hate or whatever it is and I won't be able to unsee it So it's usually a physical thing for me not not like Something she does can be something she does but you gotta be with someone a little while that usually takes a little while to sink in I hate when my wife sneezes Why? Because she sneezes like a fucking animal out of nowhere and it scares the shit out of me and the cats And every time she sneezes I want to fucking stab her. She has uh a rash of allergies And they just hit her out of nowhere. So it could be one in the afternoon
Starting point is 00:38:22 It could be two in the morning She could be Taking a shower and all of a sudden she'll just go ah chew like a fucking like a giant. Yeah Like a fucking giant and I get up my god. It's like who taught you how to fucking sneeze You know, are you on the sneeze like a lady? Yeah Don't I do shit that taz my wife up. I'll tell you what I hate I hate when people put jelly on their toast for breakfast and pisses me to fly What's what that's the newest one?
Starting point is 00:38:48 It just bothers the fuck out of me, right jelly being american and use buddy. You want to use jelly doing your How about both? I was a cream cheese and jelly guy. I'm a fucking east coast guy always was One day. I just didn't see the value and eating fucking jelly for breakfast. I got I gained 80 fucking two pounds Well, yeah, all right, physically. Yeah, but it is tasty. It's delightful. What are you eating for breakfast egg whites with jelly? No plain Oh, I'm a mustard egg whites and mustard I'm such a piece of shit this was in the airport
Starting point is 00:39:17 And I think they used like Pam or something in the pan because the egg whites smelled like dog shit So I couldn't eat them and uh, I had to wait for until I got to la and I had a delightful breakfast of eggs And uh, no no, uh bread just some chicken to dip in it. I like to dip shit. I'm a I'm a dipper Like I like to have chicken to put my egg yolks. Did you fly today? I did I flew in this morning. What airline? um American did they give you breakfast? No, air Alaska. I flew from newark to seattle to start the tour and um air Alaska's a weird Uh airline it was okay, but not great. They bought virgin. So did they really yeah a virgin america?
Starting point is 00:39:58 Yeah, has been bought by air Alaska. Wow. I want I think last year is alaska air alaska. Oh, I'm sorry, alaska I thought that I didn't know there were two little uh sand lines, but that does not okay. Let me try it's air alaska I believe where is it alaska air? You know what you might be right joy might be right I'm saying with authority. That's like some a phony. I said it with authority. It's air alaska. I don't know. I don't know I just alaska airlines. There you go. You're right, joe now. They're owned by american guys Because when you take them you get american points. Oh, I did that Yeah, when you take them it's american fucking airlines. Do you need another water? Nobody. No, it's american airlines when you take them So it really doesn't matter. I didn't know they bought fucking virgin. I didn't they bought it. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. They bought in march
Starting point is 00:40:42 So now american owns virgin. Uh, let's see. Yeah, they're killing off the virgin brand Why in other kill your virgin america? Yeah, apparently let me see why it was a great airline. That's what I thought There must be a reason that flight that you would you go new work a leguario. I need to new work uh to alaskan air to um seattle and then I took um We drove to portland and from portland. I took american And I go to dallas and austin this weekend. I don't know what airlines i'm taking then home My favorite cross-country fly this mint
Starting point is 00:41:14 Yeah, mint is good. Here's a problem with mint though. Those seats are blown up So a couple of times they've deflated And then it's like that hard. It's like hitting metal under the seat I made a video of that once they have to come over and blow it up with something They have to squeeze something so it blows back up Perfect the that mint seat how good is that middle one when you get the one alone? That's the only one I get I can't always get that I always get it. I don't know how to this next flight in november I'm doing it. I got them both. It's nice, right? Two row two like a doctor. You're deep in the cockpit. Yeah
Starting point is 00:41:45 If the plane crashes you go first Yeah Do you like one of those pablo esco ball flights? You just go first That's a great plane. The mint the mint ones are nice. I really like I really enjoy it They're all better first class, but that one's it's comfortable. It's comfortable. I like laying back. I like the movies I put my sleep apnea machine out. Wait, wait you you uh, you could use your machine I my nose is so bad. I see your nose is bad too. I can't sleep. No, no, no I did the surgery you talked me into it everything that you I did you I asked you
Starting point is 00:42:14 Oh good. We were both hooked on the fucking aphrod. Yeah the aphrod And I finally couldn't take it no more. I mean I was living in anxiety If I went on a plane and I put my seat belt on and I went in my pocket and I didn't have aphrod That was the flight from the fucking hell. Yeah, the whole flight. I'm blowing. I'm just I just uh went swimming Okay, yesterday with the baby. So I get that shit in my nose But I went and had the surgery done and I'm off the fucking spray Oh, I shoot a steroid every morning. I got a I got a shower with plugs in my ears. Doesn't that dry you out the store I hate those steroids. They make the inside of my nose. I feel like there's cup plastic coating in it
Starting point is 00:42:53 I don't fucking know. I'm lucky just to breathe out of my fucking nose that blow and the fucking getting beat up destroyed my Oh, yeah, yeah So the mask works for you The mask I couldn't live without the mask. How do you fall asleep? But I'm so claustrophobic and plus it's right It's forcing air in to like I'm gasped but maybe because I'm a shallow breather, but like I doze off and like So, how do you sleep now? What do you have to do? I have a mouth guard rogan taught me to a mouth guard
Starting point is 00:43:21 But I'm on my side all the time and I'm just constantly waking up. I'm always tired Did you go to his doctor for the mouth guard? No, but one who had a similar mouth guard Oh, I have a good mouth guard. It pushes you off hard But the tongue falls back, but I have two kinds of apnea in my head What's how long does how long do you sleep before you wake up? Don't know, but I'm always I'll remember always being in a state of like perpetual Half-awakeness when I was sleeping Um, I haven't slept much in the last couple days because of trouble with this girl. I can't
Starting point is 00:43:48 Sleep when I have conflict with a woman like that. I can't something. I seem to go to sleep. I admire this guy. I can't I'm fucking Like I just I obsess about it. I was panicking last night. I panicked yesterday afternoon. I couldn't nap So I had to resolve it somehow It's great when you fall asleep and you're breaking up with somebody and you're fucking hurting And you fall asleep and you wake up the next morning and you forget for 10 minutes Right, you always forget for like the first 10 minutes of day like fuck it comes back Oh with me, it's like 10 seconds. I'll wake up happy, but then it's over It goes away. Well, like not always, but if I'm upset about something, yeah
Starting point is 00:44:27 Do you have you married now? No, I've been with the same girl for like four years So it's it's we weren't living together. So it's close, but And we have a really good relationship, but there's I see myself ever since we moved in together doing some of those things You've been talking about are you gonna marry her? I think so it's it's I see these people rushing into marriage and it freaks me out I'm I love rebrem and no rush to get married. Yeah, how old are you 29? Oh, yeah, okay
Starting point is 00:44:55 I should have been married a long time ago. I got married when I was 20 something 25, maybe before I got locked up. I had no idea I was doing gym. How about the second time? Now we're solid. How old were you when you married her? I think maybe I was uh, oh 37 because you're 54 No, I was when I married Merce terry. I was probably clean from coke for a year. So 45 oh, okay And now I'm for yeah, oh you've been married nine years. Yeah, but together with her for 17. Oh, okay, okay
Starting point is 00:45:28 It took me nine years to fucking marry the animal. Yeah, you know, it took me nine years, but I wanted to be sure also Then after nine years, she was walking around like wounded Because you're still not married. Her parents are alive And I said, let me marry him. I kept the light. We got married at the fucking chapel on wilshire. We had the party at the hollywood bowl and uh We met our own cake. We ordered fucking pastrami from cantas Some cube and pork chops and we got rented
Starting point is 00:46:01 Some fried chicken. That was it. Yeah, we got married on a wednesday night. Very unconventional No suit no gifts just show up and eat something to show you fucking Shut up and fuck yeah, so there's no drama. You know, I make people fucking, you know I got married the night before Thanksgiving. So on the way home, you could stop over there But that's hell over there getting people to highland, but there was no concert that night or nothing Tonight was terrible. See you went up that day on monday night. You're gonna get killed Really? Yeah monday night. Stay away from highland. If you gotta get on the 101 or the 170, I always go up going Uh, yeah, that was that google maps
Starting point is 00:46:36 Yeah, google maps puts you with other fucking traffic. That's what they live for. That's why I don't It's the fucking worst. Ways is better. Ways is better. Ways teaches you how to drive like a porter. Google maps fucking sucks Waves tells you to cut that white car off. They Cut that white car off. They don't give a fuck. You know, hollywood is bad Especially coming in that direction at that time. It wasn't moving It wasn't moving. No, uh, you there's that bank coming off like up franklin or whatever and it was like 15 No, no, no So what you do is you go to uh
Starting point is 00:47:08 Hotel 101. What's that joint that's got the breakfast in there? Yeah, uh, it's on the room. It's gower gower right now It's not the gower exit. It's one of those that one's always empty. Jim nun. It's in Los Feliz. You think it's got the hiv That route is always in Los Feliz. That's why if you see that traffic Well, and you stay on that fucking road and then you'll see you're going on in the past the 101 cafe 101 cafe once you see the 101 cafe bed of your left and it's like one of those fucking Polish U-turns Because there's actually a left But then no there's actually a left and then there's a tight left Well, you have to shoot and go around and that's the 101. Okay, bang it up. There's never nobody there
Starting point is 00:47:50 You know Los Feliz I I lived there when I was shooting Lucky Louis That was the best place that I got an apartment on western I think it was called on western. It was really fun. I liked it a little far from where I wanted to be But I liked the neighborhood. It was like a weird hippy vibe to it like a weird like alternative counterculture mentality at least I liked it a lot man. They got a restaurant. They call chicken. Fred was one I used to eat at is that it Isn't it birds right at birds? I don't know that one birds. Yeah, they're doing a tremendous chicken soup Jim nun, but really yeah, you can't go in there
Starting point is 00:48:23 The fucking place is always packed. You got to go in there and take it to go and that lunch time Oh, okay. It's one of those places where it's always fucking packed And there's always a line so I would have to do make my reels over there So I would go there at 10 and make my appointments for 10 45 I'd be up there talking shit till 10 after 11. I'd shoot right down and get fucking chicken soup. That's what you wanted There's a chicken soup. Oh, it's delicious. It's spicy And they take the chicken breast and break it with their fingers like my mom used to do She used to do that with fish soup the relent
Starting point is 00:48:53 You take fish and you break it up so put back out and every once in a while you got a little thorn in your fucking Yeah, and your throat, you know, say Yeah, I had one in my throat and a long ago was from a piece of fish and it's an awful feeling like I don't If I'm gonna choke to death, but it's an awful I had to take something and scrape the back of my throat Then it came out. It was a big but that long like a real thin white Little fish bone. It's a disgusting feeling of something your throat. My brother. Wow. What's your next big? Anticipated UFC fight Um, you know, I want to see Dilla Shaw against Cody a lot. That's a great car
Starting point is 00:49:28 That's an amazing card man. I want to see you on against rose is a great fight. I've been waiting for that fight Uh, you know, I Demetrius against Ray board, you know, I'm sure it'll be a good fight But I'm not I don't look for that one as much as I'm like one of the garden Um, I don't know. I'm I'm in LA the night before working. I'm doing the Roxy So I don't know I think isn't is masvidal fighting. Uh, what? Yeah, that's a fight. I would love to see Um Mike Perry. I like watching a lot. He's a fun walk the way to watch, you know He's kind of he's a kind of an animal. I'd like to see him. Yeah, I want to see him fight pons in a bureau
Starting point is 00:50:06 I've been screaming for that for fucking six months and what's the main event of uh Of new oh, uh, gsp against disney. Yeah, that'd be great Looking forward to that one. That's gonna be a great card. It's a great card I'm an old behind the brass because usually isn't it weird like you want to go to one of them and you're like, I have But I'm in new york that wednesday that following wednesday the eighth So you're just gonna miss it. I'm just gonna fucking miss it. That's my luck I might fly back that morning. I can get back from LA
Starting point is 00:50:33 Maybe and see the fights, but I'll be tired and I might you know How was the last garden event? You be amazing. It was it was amazing. I mean Um, we had good seats, you know, and uh, I wanted eddie alvarez to win and uh, you know I was his wife was screaming. I remember as well. You can hear his wife on the tape She's like, uh, you know, I guess that's what she does at the fight. She's just screaming for a filly Yeah, she's a filly girl And um, that was a hard one to watch I like eddie so much and watching him lose to connor like as soon as he looked like your deer in headlights that night
Starting point is 00:51:05 It was like he wasn't Even in there like somebody put something in his milk. Yeah I swear to god, it was like he got hit and he got up and he got right back the way he got hit Let me come right back to you. I think he was that he was just overwhelmed. He was shell shocked the iron It was the garden. He was the main event and they were rooting against him and it's almost his hometown You know 90 minutes from home, uh, thompson fucking woodley was great Uh on that card that was that was a great Disappointing ending to a fight, but it really it was that was a fun night
Starting point is 00:51:34 The whole thing was just who else fought you are you in jaychick for that one? Oh, yeah, joe zaldo frankie edgard. That was a great fucking card That was a great card You know, I used to go to all of them now you get busy. Can't you work on you like what the fuck am I gonna do? Do I go to I want to go see jones? That's right here And that's the weekend. I'm in fucking the bogata. It's right here in my backyard. Yeah jones, uh, call me and i'm in the fucking bogata It's always something always something and you can't plan for it and i'm almost like a look You know it's fucking daniel cormier taking off to come watch my shows You know you do it when you can see them when i'm off
Starting point is 00:52:09 I go but I you know even I work for the UFC because i'm doing the podcast. I mean I still would uh Go only if i'm off I'll watch them. I usually watch the fights the night I get home or the next day. I watch them on fight pass I Unfucking believable. I gotta tell you man. It was a real pleasure having you on tonight. I know you gotta boogie okay You gotta boogie by nine Yeah, no, it was a real pleasure having you on I wanted to uh, it's great that the conversation went where it went Yeah, let's see you put some heavy shit on the table. I apologize. I'm being a little boring
Starting point is 00:52:43 I'm tired and I haven't slept well in the last couple of days. I'm loopy. I admire your fucking resilience I can't believe you're here. You flew you're here And then you're going to do another fucking podcast at 10 I'd die. We're pre taping for tomorrow morning. We get a three hour show. I would die once I fly it's game over I take pills when I fly I gotta take drumming if I get sick Yeah, so I take motion sick pills my daughter has to do that also she gets sick I gotta fucking put bands on her. Yeah, did he work though? Is that just psychological? How the fuck knows what I just do is starve on the way down
Starting point is 00:53:17 And starve on the way back if you got nothing in your stomach, you can't throw up puke Yeah, we leave at six. She doesn't eat real quick She doesn't get up and want to eat She's one of those kids that she'll milk it for 45 minutes by that time. We're already in the fucking danger zone. We're back already Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I did it that way and now we're timing it Uh, we were eating and then going down a fucking San Diego. She puked by the time we got to the commas casino We were like in shock. She was gonna fucking puke. How old is she? No, she's four and a half. I had that same shit growing me too. I got carsick
Starting point is 00:53:51 With families and it's like your family would say you want to go swimming with us up the fucking night. Yeah Next thing, you know, they got to pull over the station wagon. I barf in the back fucking seat Oh So I couldn't really do much at a young age because I was always embarrassed. I was gonna get fucking carsick How how how helpless is it when you're in the back seat and you feel it coming And you have to go could you pull over because you roll the window down The air on the face feels a little better and try to just stare straight ahead Um, and you feel it coming and you're like you got you got to pull over
Starting point is 00:54:26 I'm gonna vomit you don't even you say it one time and they're like they start questioning you That's the fucked up thing. You'll be all right. You'll be all right pull over Why what do I have to pull over for because I feel sick? Are you gonna puke? No, I'm telling you to pull over because I want to see the fucking crease Pull the fuck over and by the time they pull over spent Do you remember the old station wagon yet open them from the back? The window went down and the old station wagons had a bucket seat in front A bucket seat in the back and then in the back they had a little hat
Starting point is 00:54:55 So if you picked up the carpet, you can make again another two seat for kids and strap them down back That was the best seat in the whole that was the best seat in the whole fucking world But that seat got me puking like a motherfucker because I was going against the wind So you got facing backwards. Yeah, forget it. Forget it. That's the fucking there was a time when southwest had I was just I don't like southwest for that same reason because you face backwards on some flights I won't do it. They had no they got rid of those. Oh really? Yeah, the ones in the middle There was a time where there was you had to sit with people across you Three and three and one day I got on one of those flights after an eight ball night, you know what I'm saying in Chicago
Starting point is 00:55:32 I'm coming down off that battery. I sit before I get on the plane. I open my wallet And I see these fucking things That you put under your tongue that rogan was big on those uh thc strips He had boxes of he bought after company So he gave me a batch and in those days you couldn't if you put them in your wallet They were like a condom you put a wall in the economy in your wallet. No After wall is an imprint of fucking condom in your wallet What the fuck we talking about the thc thc thing I put under my tongue
Starting point is 00:56:08 Jim know what they're sitting one of those little bucket seats across mystery women They're coming to la to see like disneyland like they really fucking think they come to see the seventh creation of the world Very sweet women Awesome that thc kicks in it was like three strips. I had never got that that cocaine was still lurking in me I started sweating profusely. I had a puke but before I puke I went into the sweats Where every every hole in your body shoots out a piece of sweat So I'm 39 the at the time about
Starting point is 00:56:41 375 it's about the year I did the longest yard not really And I had to take off my shirt And I was in the middle of two other guys and they're just like look at her with no shirt No shirt on tit come sweat is coming down my chest And you can see the beads of sweat on my nipples before they dropped on my jeans My stomach was sweating. God knows what odors are coming on my puke At the end. Yeah, I'm puked facing backwards. Uh, I ran. No, here's how I puked with my shirt off I walked through the cabin
Starting point is 00:57:18 Open the bathroom and just heave like a fucking savage Is there anything worse though like when you're in a limo and you're going backwards and you You ever sit that front seat in the limo and you'd have to sit there Kind of turned over and facing the driver You can't even talk to the other people in the back of the car because you're gonna vomit you have to look forward It really is torture. I take every precaution now like I look at things and go god damn it I'll take a chance trains when you get on a train, you know, uh, I always have to ask the conductor which way Is it leaving because if I get on if it's going to the right and I face that way I'm going backwards
Starting point is 00:57:52 I'm going to get sick. So actually like a fucking eight year old have to ask the conductor. Which way is the train going? He's like that way. So I have to face forward I'm fucking believe what we do the podcast about feelings and phobias. That's right and vomiting and vomiting and being queasy And a little Sabbath to start my brother. Thank you very much. Thank you. You want to promote talk to me Just the kneeling room only is my tour jim norton.com Uh, what cities are you going to? I'm everywhere in new york Um, I got here in LA indianapolis. Oh, dallas and houston all the money's going to the hurricane victims. So if you're down there um, everywhere, chicago, philadelphia, long island
Starting point is 00:58:29 new jersey and um, the chip chipperson the live podcast is now up people who like stupid chip And uh, jim and sam every morning. I love you all my heart man. Thank you. I love you too Thank you for taking the time brother anytime joey. Good luck. Thank you Yo, I want to thank jim norton for coming on the show Number two. I want to do some shout outs. Tom Owens meg Cleo nrp sports cards chris patratt
Starting point is 00:58:58 andrew nandile my main man up in nyack holding it down nine one smoke mckenzie titties and rob rare astro my main man there Anyway, listen you cock suckers. Don't forget I'm coming to pittsburgh thursday the improv homestead
Starting point is 00:59:18 Don't fuck around. You better bring me a sandwich number two on it On it.com guys. Listen. I don't I don't do them. I don't make a move without them. I went to jitsu today I popped in one of those fucking shroom tech sports I went in there. I was still huffing and puffing but let me tell you something I lasted cock suckers and even though I fucking had a tap in the shit I lasted and that's all that matters. You know why the shroom tech works An alpha brain works and the hem force protein works
Starting point is 00:59:47 But the only thing is it's up to you. Go to honor right go to honor.com right now Look at the great selection of supplements they have I can't help you out with the metal And the steel bats and stuff But I'll get you a nice 10% discount an alpha brain shroom tech sport shroom tech amoon new mood Whatever you need uncle joey got go to honor.com right now and press in church BAM And get 10% off your first order delivered right till the fucking cause of day. You know what i'm saying Number two. Let me ask you something. Are you hiring?
Starting point is 01:00:21 Do you know what opposed your job to find The best candidate tell me the truth You know how hard it is to get great talent. Do you have any idea how hard it is? I thank god bless me. I got lee. I bumped into lee But not everybody's that lucky And i'm gonna tell you something. You know who's here to the rescue zip recruiter With zip recruiter, you can post your job to 100 plus job sites with one click Then their powerful technology
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Starting point is 01:01:32 Go to zip recruiter. They've been used by businesses of all sizes to find the most Efficient qualified job candidates with immediate results. You understand me. No more come on down The guy shows up with 22 picked tattoos in the picture hit line on his shirt. Who needs that aggravation? I'm telling you what i could do for you right now today My church family can post jobs on zip recruiter For free gratis. That's right free. Just go to zip recruiter slash church chu rch Again that zip recruiter slash church one more time for free go to zip recruiter slash church They're gonna find an employee. Listen. They're gonna hook you up. All right that zip recruiter
Starting point is 01:02:17 Dot com slash church Zip recruiter dot com slash church. I correct myself there. Who do you think you're dealing with? Again on it. I want to thank my man. Jim Norton. I want to thank my main man the christ killer rasha shana joe himself Lee sciat and i want to thank you people For tuning in i'll see you motherfuckers wednesday. All right stay black. I hope you enjoy this podcast tonight. Thank you very much This song is from narcos The episode season two
Starting point is 01:02:49 You open up the episode and you see his hand Go ahead and leave blast this song I already played it. I don't give me one second sir. This is episode two episode season two narcos episode nine eight maybe episode opens up with him Excuse me at judy's place in the refrigerator opening like eating an apple Eating a piece of cheese eating a fucking this eating that then you walk around he looks at the mural of judy
Starting point is 01:03:20 And that's when you hear this fucking song come in. So enjoy it. You know, I love you motherfucking stay black Have a great day. It's a beautiful day to be alive My cat is crying That can't vacillate If wherever he wants to get in His cat is going to look for him At night the truth is And
Starting point is 01:04:17 I Don't Esto sí es serio, mi amigo. Oye, qué lío, qué lío se va a formar cuando mi gatito sepa y es tan simple la razón que el que a su gata le cuenta, que el que a su gata le cuenta no es nada más que un ratón, un ratón
Starting point is 01:05:14 de cualquier maya sale un ratón oye, de cualquier maya cómo se encuela una rata, cómo se encuela un ratón de cualquier maya sale un ratón oye, de cualquier maya Cierra la puerta, Claudina, que se te cuela el ratón de cualquier maya sale un ratón oye, de cualquier maya
Starting point is 01:05:41 No te llora libre queso y me la copio el ratón de cualquier maya sale un ratón oye, de cualquier maya Cierra la puerta, Claudina, que se te cuela el ratón de cualquier maya sale un ratón de cualquier maya sale un ratón de cualquier maya sale un ratón de cualquier maya sale un ratón
Starting point is 01:06:26 Getna Y Mija La Maraca pa' qué süres Getna Y Mija La Maraca pa' qué süres Getna Y Mija La Maraca oye 枏名山的元輪 枫名山的士氣 枫名山ане 枫名山證

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