Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #523 - Steve Simeone

Episode Date: October 9, 2017

Steve Simeone, Comedian and writer, seen on Comedy Central's "This Is Not Happening" and heard as the host of the, "Good Times With: Steve Simeone" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. MyBookie.ag - Join now and MYBookie.ag will match your deposit with up to a 100% bonus of your first deposit up to $1,000. www.mybookie.ag. Use Promo code CHURCH to activate the offer.   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first order.   Recorded on 10/08/2017.

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Here's I'm gonna break it down to you you play you win you get paid go to my bookie dot a g You're happy that you did tell them Uncle Joey sent you Oh shit October Eight the day the devil was buried in sea Mr.. Runny's birthday And it's your lucky day motherfuckers. It's a church of what's happened now Who white dudes that sound black from Philadelphia, and then a rocky Bobbo a bitch it's all the notes

It's my man Steve Simone the Christ killer And this is one of Ralphie's favorite songs he would wiggle in shit the fucking floor would shake He's Greetings you bad motherfuckers before we even start the podcast obviously you guys have heard the horrible news My dear friend passed on Friday a lot of you people hit me up and said if we could do like a memorial podcast And I was gonna have a bunch of people come in and call in and stuff like that You know what I knew Ralph for 20 years. I could do a fucking thing on him by myself Backwards I got my little brother Steve Simone who's got a heart of gold and the fucking Christ killers here as usual

Fucked up to the gills. What's happening gentlemen? How are you Joey good good? You know Friday? I'm in Jiu Jitsu. I walk out the door. I Got no calls. I get in the car. I start the car and also I got a call from a dear friend and when I answered she was crying And I knew right there what she was crying about because she spoke to Ralphie all the time was his longtime friend and publicist Stacey Poca Ludo and You know I came up with Stacey and I heard her crying and I knew right away and I Drove home. You called at one point the phone started ringing. She told me not to say nothing Because the family didn't know yet, but that was too late by the time I got home TMZ and released it

Then the phone started ringing and then I was I just sat there fucking confused. I didn't know I Couldn't put the pieces together. I called my wife. She was a target. She fucking lost it You know my wife loved him to death You know, he gave us a crib, you know, we didn't ask him for a fucking crib. He goes that Yeah, I'm gonna give you something for the baby unless when fucking UPS is not gonna do it with a fucking crib It's worth ten thousand dollars with buttons And it was just so I knew it was gonna kill her she he knew what she liked the southern shit that they were upon Yeah, so then like she was crying about that the other he's the only one who knew with mud pies

We're some shit, you know But it was even sad and then the call started coming in from all over I called my brother George who was walking into our grandmother's wake. Oh, and I go if you're ready I got even got worse news for you George Ralph. He's gone You know, he called me out later at that night He was dealing with his grandmother's fucking death and also that piled Ralphie on him and I felt bad after I did it But I Didn't want him to hear it somewhere. Yeah, he had to I

Called my friend Pete Houston. There was a dear friend the Ralphies Pete Pirelli. Did we get to meet Pete Pirelli? People don't like him. I love them to death. He was one of the first guys that headlined me and he loved Ralphie and That's how it went down Friday was basically just a shock and then Friday night was when it got worse a little when I started realizing what was going on when Ari called and Josh Wolf called late night and I had spoken to Josh that afternoon after it happened. He was upset and The next thing, you know fucking Sarah Tiana called and I tried to butter her up and tell her don't worry I got that out of before you That's what stopped her from crying and then Saturday, you know, I had to do kid stuff and every once in a while I would realize

For people who have experienced death before and a lot of you have You know, it's a magnitude of emotion and then you go numb and then Time is the healer, you know I you what's the whatever and levels you get better and levels, you know and But the number one thing is coming to grips with it Like my body and mind still haven't come because I wouldn't talk to him sometimes before days of the shot So my body's just you know He was supposed to come into LA last week the plan was

For him to come in LA last week if you looked at the comedy store on Tuesday, he had a spot at the store Tuesday night Wow So we were going to try to do the podcast Wednesday and then he was going to fly back Because he was going to get the comedian of the year So when I went I I didn't think about him coming in I go, I assume he's doing the podcast Wednesday So when I went to the store Tuesday night, you know, when you're at the store you go down there who wants to take a picture You bump into somebody you haven't seen a while. Yeah next year you're getting your car without knowing, you know, I got here at 6 30 today without my bag I came all yeah, you know, sometimes you have so much on your mind

Absolutely, and I got in the car and headed up Laurel Kang and next thing, you know fucking When I get to the house, I'm laying in bed with the sleep apnea mask. I'm listening like for the second But I forgot I didn't see Ralphie tonight So the first thing Wednesday morning I called just to make sure I didn't know if he had the kids You know Tuesday and then he went over or something and he said no that he uh Didn't feel well. He had the pneumonia But he had a different angle to him

I could always make him laugh And on this day I couldn't make him laugh Something wasn't right And I hung up on him. I didn't think nothing odd. I just thought he maybe he may be having a bad day And I came on I told Lee that night we had a podcast Wednesday night by ourselves And I sat here I told Lee that I didn't think Ralphie had much time That didn't have anything to do with the pneumonia. Yeah, didn't have nothing to do with that It had to do with a toning your voice that I recognized

One day when I was a kid I fucking uh was leaving the house Getting ready to leave, you know, you're getting ready to leave in the phone rings and we had no caller idea in those days I went and I picked up the phone. It was my mom and she goes I'm here I'm gonna get something to eat and then I'm gonna come home because I don't feel good But I'll never forget I left the house thinking. Hmm. You can feel how voice sounded weird. I didn't know then until years later That she died that night. Well, Ralphie had His it wasn't a heart attack. It wasn't congested heart failure

It wasn't It's what the chinese call you die of a broken heart. Oh You die from the inside out Sometimes so many things are going on in your life and at one point Something just strikes you and you ain't coming back from that. It's not a depression It's a different level. It's the level that I don't want to do this no more That's a complete different level in depression. Yeah The level when

You know, you know why they found him he missed radio He didn't go to radio Thursday morning So, you know, I I know he's in a better spot. I know the last couple years have been living with a lot of pain So now he's pain-free You know things happen in your life sometimes especially during a divorce That you can't believe are happening You and I are gonna believe this is happening

And if your faith is fucked up and if things are going on wrong it pushes past the boundary and you don't come back from that boundary After my divorce I had a hard time guys if it wasn't This is a stupid thing but calmly saved my life guys. I'm telling Lee Steve Simone the people at home Comedy saved my life in a weird way In a weird fucking way because the divorce killed me the divorce was one thing The kids My daughter that whole thing in the beginning

I couldn't handle this but it's not like I'm in a Liam Neeson movie and somebody took my kid It's the person's closest to you That hurts from a different angle. I'm not saying anything bad about anybody, but I'm just saying during a divorce When you have children involved and they start becoming A pawn into divorce It takes away from you. You know, he didn't want to come here anymore. He didn't want to read for tv shows He was done. You know the road sales. You could if you look at his Things it's not like he tweeted his dates. He could kill less of your show than his fucking shows, you know

It was something and I tried to go on the road about two years ago I offered to go open for him and to walk in the daytime. I remember that I said, listen, I'll take the money cut It's not about the paper. It's what The amount of things I learned from watching Ralphie, you know, it doesn't take I said this a thousand times, you know, it doesn't take a fucking book or anything to learn about people Especially with comedy, you know, like the amount of stuff I learned from Ralphie was

It was like going to fucking what's that? Pasta place was the endless bowl. Yeah olive garden olive garden. That's what Ralphie was my olive garden when it came to comedy You would ask Ralphie anything about comedy Ralphie looked like a big fat putz to the human eye But when it came to stand-up comedy He had clothing down. He had High levels down and psychopedia of knowledge, you know, he wanted you to switch by the channel So he wanted you to put on a yellow leather jacket That's why he wore that craziness, you know, he was a genius at a different fucking level

And listen a lot of comics didn't like him. He had a big finger point in the matter Houston That he was a joke thief. Listen the beginning we all make mistakes in comedy You know, I heard things 10 years ago, but I don't know about those specials Those specials are solid the first three or four of them were fucking solid. I don't know bigger and blacker and all that shit that that shit made me laugh so That doesn't matter when you're in a casket You want me to tell you what mattered how he treated? 200 of us. Yeah, how he treated everybody you met everybody 200 of us

That's the thing joey. I don't even when I think of Ralphie. I I know he was a brilliant comic But I don't even think of that. I don't even think of Ralphie. No, no, no, I think of you could feel his warmth He cared about people and you could feel it when he talked to you He was there You know what I mean? He wasn't one of those guys looking over your shoulders somebody else coming in the room Is somebody else more important to talk to his heart was open when he communicated with you It's Like I was telling you guys before this show I was here a couple months and all of a sudden this chubby kid appeared

Everybody said he was fucking hilarious And mitzsche sure put him on and I could tell it was a hard time for him to walk And I would talk to him. I didn't know who the fuck he was. He just had a southern twang to him. I would talk to him and One Thanksgiving I got a call from Marilyn Martinez. God rest her soul And she said Joey Medina was having a barbecue over in his house. Ralphie was cooking And I go who's the fucking kid Ralphie and I get over and I walked. I told him excuse me. I told me the story I walked in as this kid on a fucking futon. That's when futons were hot But he had broken the futon and he had a big blanket on him and he was uh

Jovial and you know, they didn't have much but what they had they shared it with you You know, I had nothing at the time. I had fucking nothing I was just a dirt a death death mention whatever the fuck you call those things living off comedy and the $15 At the store and here I am at this house. I don't even I knew Joey Medina. I knew alex rey moondo who's The opener for Ron White now I knew him, you know, and We would all talk and stuff and I never forget leaving they're going. This is fucking crazy. I don't even know these people And I just was there for five hours and I had a blast

And that fucking fat kids a blast And he smoked dope. He was very potish and he uh had different types of weed and shit and I was like wow And then he signed with a manager who had cancer Okay, she was dying after he signed to the She was diagnosed with cancer, but I'm at the store. I'm snorting blow now Stand hope is good friends with Ralphie So everybody who went through the stand hope route like I did you stayed with stand hope for a while then you blast him down Ralphie I think stayed with stand hope for a while. Yes

because one day I got a call from stand hope saying that he couldn't find Ralphie that he came home and Ralphie was making out with his mother And he yelled out of Ralphie left embarrassed Was stand hope's mother? Yeah, she's like 60 at the time So Ralphie calls me back. He's fucking lying. He I don't make out with his mother body earmuffs. God rest us. Oh, oh my god She had fake tits from the 50s Fucking hysterical. This is just so she lived

So Ralphie uh dug stand hope had an apartment How old is he? A baby Ralph dug stand hope had an apartment 25 because I'm 50 45 So I'm nine years his elder So 98 I had to be 30 something. Yeah, he was a baby. Yeah He was a baby. He was a baby So he's on fire. He's a regular at the store. He's a regular at the improv

He walks into the clap factory and bam No, they make him a regular there, but they fucking jaymasada signs him on the spot. Wow. He tells jaymy. Well You know, I'm a good old boy and I'm already with a manager and jaymy goes. Yeah, but she's dying of cancer Oh my god, he's like, yeah, but I gotta finish out my commitment with her and stuff. He goes I'll get back to you. This is just too much of me So he walks he walks he comes to the company store And it's a sunday night. I'm hosting maybe, you know, there was nobody out in the patio

And he's sitting there sad as fuck With his little chubby cheeks. You know, he's just a baby. I'm snorting blow. I'm a wild man Yeah, and he comes up to me. He goes can I ask you a personal question? You've done this and you've done that He tells me the girl, you know, he's a christian man ralfie. Yeah, he looks me straight in the face and he goes up I signed with this manager And she's dying of cancer. I don't know how much time she's got left. I can't fire her But jaymy missada wants to find wants to sign me and it's an opportunity of a lifetime

I go he goes, what should I do joey? I looked at him And I go listen, she's got one from the great one of man appeal send her a note and sign with jaymy missada He looked at me For a second maybe three seconds and then lost it He lost it. He just started laughing his ass off He's asked the funniest thing. I have a head cocoa Coco cocoa. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Yeah, that was it. That's exactly the same tone. That's exactly it

That's the funniest thing I've ever heard cocoa. Okay. So now I end up at his house fucking four nights a week Drinking him and jody furtig and john westling had this fucking vodka and they would bring up The the fucking uh, bloody marry me the bloody marry mix from houston I remember you remember that shit you would you used to tell they would do a whole run to the A whole run to houston and get the bottles of that shit and they get queso and then We would sit there This is way before this was none. John was there already

Me jody and ralfie may would drink a bottle of vodka With that bloody marry mix. I'd be in the bathroom sneaking bumps You know, he never judged me. He never really It was nothing like that. It was nothing like that. It was just He was just a regular guy and then he asked me where I was from and I would tell him calm mind about this before I told anybody anything. Yeah, like I never told anybody anything Where you're from jersey? Well, I have on my town play football. That's it. Nobody knew nothing

And one day one night. Well, you just asked me I just started telling georgie stories and calm mind basano stories and Stories of me growing up my mother's boss. So we left it at that. Okay He tells me one day like a month later. He goes kakao One day i'm gonna come up to this north bergen, you know, whatever the fuck he says to me I'll make sure he goes i'm gonna be in jersey in august to send it He goes i'm bringing my car. I'm gonna drive up to north bergen to see if this shit's real Wow, okay, something happens, bro

And I get a call to do jersey like that whole run I used to do like buffalo And where am I? I'm in north bergen. It's the summer of 99 Wow And I had my pager and sure enough the pager goes off and it's ralphie and he's like, you're not gonna believe this I'm on 48th street and catty bouvard headed up to hashways on 76 You know, he's telling me on this and i'm like, listen Before we go to hashways pull over on 69th street. I'll be on the corner. What are you talking about? I said i'm in town Wow, I could hear that. He's like, I'll be right there

And all surviving adventure came right to georgie's house. He picked me up. I introduced him to georgie's way before last comic standing Yeah, this is a while before comic standing And I took him to a place called hashways deli where I had grown up on everybody has their personal deli This was my deli and I was very proud of the roast beef onto rye I would put it up against anybody and I also put up the rice pudding up against anybody Gotcha Like that's what they were known for the roast beef and the rice pudding and if I brag about it, it's because It's real you're gonna go blind when you eat it. Yes

And I took him to hashways. He fucking had the roast beef, you know, he's 600 pounds dog That's a different patois. He's from houston. I'm taking him to north bergen. I'm taking him beeping. What did he think? His head blew up He became friends with the hashways and then he got to the point that every time he'd be in the area He'd just go to hashways and pick up a gallon of fucking rice pudding. Wow. They give him a container of Whip cream It's great. They give him a can of whipped cream and they give him a little thing of cinnamon. That's how he liked it That's the type of guy rafi was

Then one day I heard I got a call from venerate the kid I grew up with who's the assemblyman And he goes die. I just got a fucking Some big fat guy came in here yelling about north bergen rules and shoot He says his name is rafi mays right outside. I go. Yeah, bro. That's family. Yeah, I go. You're done. You're just meeting family But I introduced him to george. I was gonna have george called in tonight, but george is working in new york comicon You know and in their relationship They're at giant games That's the type of guy rafi was he made friends if he was my brother rafi took care of him

Yeah, never mind this went on while he was broke I'll never forget 9 11. We were at rafi's house. He made a gumbo Our 9 11 that night he made a gumbo for me jaymore Jody a bunch of people over there. Mike favor me wow 9 11 gumbo broke Broke he'd give me the last fucking dollar off his shirt. Yeah

I still remember a night going over there I had never heard of these guys. I had never seen it before I am fucked up In those days I lived in my car It was between my car and rafi's apartment and I would park the car at night and pull the seat back on vista between el compadre and between vista and Whatever that street was el compadre is on sunsets gardener sun setting gardener. I would park 50 yards from josh wolf's apartment

I had a blanket I would whatever coke I had left over I would polish it off out there and then I'd pop the seat back I put the air conditioner on and I wait till I got horny and I jerk off two or three times in the car People be walking their dog past me four in the morning. I'd be in the car pulling my yanker And then I come in the blanket and walk to rafi's house And it must have been four or something in the morning because I would never go to rafi's coked up I would always wait to come down or at least look like He would always leave the door open for me for me just to slip in at night

And he put a pillow on the floor and that's exactly what I would do I'd come in with that cummy blanket And I'd throw it over me with the pillow and I'd sleep right there, bro. No shame. I was doing it for comedy and He was the guy that was helping me But one night I'm coming over there and I come around the bed and I hear voices and I see smoke Like there's a little fire I turned in and it's him jaymore

teddy Gavin boy, there must have been 10 motherfuckers back there five in the morning Deep front of the turkey. It's great. I'd never heard of that link. All right When he pulled that turkey out an hour later And let it sit now it's daylight They're getting beers and shit. I don't know if nobody was doing blow. This was not a cocaine crowd It was rafi was cooking the turkey It's probably delicious. It was delicious. I never tasted anything like that's the first time then after that I bugged them

For years to make that fucking thing Let's do it again. That was one of the best morning, you know Listen, man, I'm doing comedy now and everything's good and I have a family But I told you guys I would give my finger to go back to that life for a week with him in that apartment Because it was real camaraderie and he had no reason to love me and I had no reason to love him before the money Before this is anything just love that's just love. It was based on love That's all we need and he had people over there. He listen. He brought john westling up. He brought jody furtig up

He brought saline up, you know, I mean This was a click from houston that was just and he introduced him to me until today Then my family. I mean we lost saline earlier this year and Jody's doing hot thing and gentry is doing hot thing and you know, but I still talk to stacey. Let's Throughout this whole thing. That's who's been there for me. You know, I'm getting all my information Basically from there and I feel bad for her, you know I might have to hire Just out of rafi did for me because she's a lot of a job, you know and rafi's assistant who had just had a baby and

He just lost his job at rafi and the insurance rafi was providing for him. So there's a lot of uh And then you gotta think about the two children, you know, and and what's going on there and uh You know, it's one of those situations where I have a duty, you know I have a duty to check up on him and try and talk to him and talk to a little boy He's gonna go through hell now. Yeah, I know what a young man goes through when you lose your father You know, especially when he was such a big figure. He meant so much to you. Yeah so

It's the the effect that a death has Because he had two families He really was a gangster. He really really really was a gangster He had his home family and his comedy and his comedy family and I gotta tell you man You spoke to harry I left him a message. He went straight to voicemail. Yeah, he didn't sound too good A lot of people ain't sounding too fucking good. He was so good to so many people. That's why

You know he was Such a good person He cared We live in a world where a lot of people don't care. No, they don't give a fuck I still remember having my surgery to get the fat ball out And I got the stitches in there and shit and I get a fucking call Upstairs, I don't even have a cell phone. He called like the house phone. He's like amen. I'm downstairs on my dog I just had surgery because I know that's why I gotta see

And I went downstairs and he handed me a stack of cash in a rubber band He goes here. So you don't have to worry about your surgery and you can relax. It was a thousand dollars I took it upstairs. I just gave it to my wife. I go, you're not gonna believe this. Look at this We needed the money like now I guess today And I you're not gonna believe just what happened an angel just came to the fucking ball exactly what it was You know, there was a time where I got a flat tie. He called me and wanted me to score What was the sushi place? He went to remember he went to the most expensive He went to a sushi place in hollywood guys no boo or something. Is that no, no, no, no, this is on

Beverly off lasienica like it's just movie stars like last Like I remember him calling me going i'm sitting two feet from clonieswood. Wow, like when you're going there It's a metal detector The whole fucking deal When he first hit when he got his 150,000 dollars from vegas He took me there and by that time he had gone there already three times He was just throwing money at the japanese way this was shit No convey about li this is straight up gangster. Okay, and I like one time I went into the chick from marvels in it

The chick that was in rounders. She played the chick at the pool hall real hot Did you ever watch rounders li no that day you never watched it see but i'm sure you watched some fucking Stupid fucking movie or something Anyway, that chick is hot now the chick from rounders the long legged brunette She's you'd see if you see you she played I saw her in there with ralfie one day every time I wanted to I didn't see movie stars I saw movie stars. Yeah the real deal like they were real deal like he's seen clonieswood I think as I was walking in one day tom hanks was walking out. It's that type of stuff. Yeah

I don't even know this but you know what I mean like normal people. Okay, just yeah, yeah You go to you know the world different you're on a sienna and you make a left on bevelie And it's right there. It's like a little japanese house And that's why you can't tell it looks like a little japanese house. Yeah, they got like a little japanese valet He takes the con takes it underground Nobody like they nobody and you walk in there And he would walk in and go and they were going down my stay Yeah, what are they whatever cook up?

Is it boss sushi? I don't know. I don't I wouldn't know the name of it. He would have you told me He would walk in and they would be yelling all that shit. Yeah, and he'd go must be the money He would just yell must be the money. Oh, that's hysterical and I would die a fucking laugh When he first hit guys in 2005, let's just say No in 2004 he was already banging. Yeah, he was already banging I remember being on the road with pauli We went to a little club in chattanooga called the comedy catch And it was right after ralfie had done last comic standing

And they told me that he sold out everything they added shows and there were still lines down the block And that was like 2003 2004 Right after last because I couldn't do houston with him because I was doing spider-man 2 And then something happened What the fuck happened something happened with him And he got me a room in new york Like he was just fucking the hook and ball when I got the longest yard I got a weekend or somewhere. I got a weekend in rascals jersey city and ralfie called me a dog

Where you staying I go he goes no I'm a headline in carolines. I got a room for a feature. I got an extra room Stay in the So I stayed with him and that was the time I went up there I got there at three o'clock. He got there and I got there like a four He was there at three o'clock I go, what are you doing? He goes nothing. I'm in the room waiting. I come on over. Let's order some food I go over there. I open the fucking door

And he's got a bag of weed in front of him. He's been smoking for 20 minutes and this candy wrap is everywhere And that thing they leave at the hotel, you know, like when you go in there, they charge you $22 for a chocolate bar Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah He had fucked it all up Like the almonds to fucking chocolate covered. We were howling I go raffi. What the fuck? Oh, you know cocoa cocoa, you know It was a non-stop He helped me so much, you know, like this is

To to to normal people People must be listening to me going joey sounds too calm For losing some of this magnitude because I have not digested it Right. I've lost so many people that it still doesn't digest with me. I lost the body at the beginning of the summer He's still alive in my brain. Yeah, this is one night when I'm coming home I'm gonna forget and I'm gonna press this fucking number on my phone guys And that's what I'm gonna remember And that's when it's all gonna come to me that I haven't heard his voice

That he hasn't come on the podcast That uh I'll never see him again You Will in heaven I totally believe that Oh, come on Fucking heaven. They're gonna put me in purgatory for a few thousand years. He's trusting his mercy trust. Yeah No, he's not gonna take me right. He's not gonna shit me right up there

I'm gonna I gotta play a fucking game. I gotta go to israel and help the fucking slaves for two thousand years Doesn't work, but you don't get it. You fight the only fat people in heaven You gotta be like 180 or above. They don't want no problems if you get to heaven See how they put you they take you to a christian fat camp There's a weight limit in heaven steve somo. What's going on with you playing? This one, I don't it's been a rough week joey. I'm gonna be no, I know I try not to be this person, you know But I'm just trying to focus on all the joy raffi brought into the world. Yeah, that's why I haven't you know

like legitimately and Thank god, I wasn't closer to him, but it always made me feel good whenever we hung out, you know, he just had that energy or uh Just made me feel good like I remember him pulling into the comedy store last year and his He had like a convertible bmw. He was some kind of sick car And it was just like it kind of reminded me a little bit of like when rodney danger field showed up at the country club and caddy shack Like oh ralfi's here. He's like

You know He's like handing out cash to the parking lot guys and it was like oh the party's here And then just the young guys going steve somo, how you doing player? And then i'll me and ralfi are in the middle of the parking lot and then all the young door guys are like Oh, shit somo knows ralfi may and i'm like, yeah, how long and i'm like i've known ralfi since I started comedy and I I would totally earlier today just He had this way of just encouraging you You know like I remember just he was always supportive of younger comics and the bigger the bigger his star got

The more people he started to influence always. Yeah always and uh We we would talk Because he was really not happy the last couple years and my phone would ring sometimes at odd hours And I would just get on the phone and talk to him and uh I I firmly believe i'm not telling anybody else what to believe but I think I'm praying that he has the peace now

That he was searching for for the last couple years, you know And I believe it. I like in my heart. It makes me feel good. I know he's I know he's in a better place All I know is one thing man I know one thing for sure guys that At an early age, I had a sadness in my heart, but The fucking people around me made me hovel with laughter There is nothing like

Somebody making you fucking die of laughter. Okay. It's the best feeling in life Now with ralfi may it wasn't as much that he made me die a laughter Is it how much he would leave himself open? To a guy like me, okay Like okay, like when you meet me do me a favor if you like me And time tell me everything about you. Don't make me have to find something out in this life When that I was here one night and fucking me and lee were talking and lee was mad high I hadn't seen lee that high in a long time and he got pale on me

Pale I mean then I got scared. I thought he's quitting or he's going to boston to be with his mother, you know It was like something came over him and he told me the deepest darkest secret of his soul and He was like, you know, I hope we're cool. I'm only you know, you're always my brother. I don't give a fuck Yeah, but lee got to know me so good. He's like, I'm gonna tell joey Before joey finds out i'ma tell him that you know, I used to be a trainee before I'm just teasing you. I'm just teasing your butt

He never told me a certain when we first hung out together for years He never fucking told me that I'm about spelled behind this Okay Uh when comedy got really popular in the 90s There was the lap stop the lap spot the comedy showcase There was everything but an improv in houston. Yeah, but the club was spellbinders If you ever went to the houston improv 10 years ago when it first opened

Yep, it was the old spellbinders. Okay, rafi was banned from spellbinders Because he fell to the stage And sued the club. All right Now her name was either kim conge or lin conge or something somebody sang a song with kim conge Oh, yeah, so this lady was lin conge. Voice is scary or whatever. So lin conge was the lady who booked the room So when I found this information out, I didn't bust his balls, you know me though. I'm with him. We're getting high And I you know and also I look at him one day listen

I just put a tape and You know, I like I worked the mobile. Listen, I just put a tape and over it Spellbinders Can you recommend me? He paid You know, like I would fuck with him that way, you know Did he the way you said it did he know that you knew no He didn't know I knew

So it's me and him and he had to tell me why he couldn't fucking And he started right off with let me tell you what happened. The stage was fucked up You know what I'm saying? I went up there my foot went through it and I could never walk the same So I sued So every time any time we get in the squeaky position like we we walk on the stairs and the stairs will go I go to the rafi's top It's like spellbinding the stage Fuck you

You mess with the man's emotion I sued him. I walk with a limp because the spell of that dirty bitch like I'd always Ah Nobody remembers who got me out of the biggest pinch ever in this town Who got me out of the biggest pinch? He I was going to get pinched for a sexual Lude act in public. Oh my god. That means I would have had to register as a sex offender in 22,000 states I can't even go to Puerto Rico put a bikini on

Even if I go to Puerto Rico looking for survivors of the bikini on I go to jail So He fucking I didn't do nothing. I ate some chicks pussy At the fucking comedy club woman at comedy club that fucking Jan my j. Davies ran The way dane cook became a star doublins doublins. I ate some chicks pussy and with a coke rock And I took the eight ball So You never do that big deal. No me. I go to doubles at rogan and willie bar senate

Oh my gosh, I go to dinner with rogan to meet willie bar senate. This is the crew from fucking hell. What year's this? this had to be The brink of 99 2000 maybe march because I started dating my wife two months after that it was really awkward Till this day don't mention that bar on my wife Never has a fucking heart attack as j. Davies put it up on his website And my wife he put your business up on his website Oh Mine and holt'sman and my wife called me fucking upset. So I had to call

So the legend to the story is basically this I show up with rogan and willie. We go to the double and we all have a spot Obviously j davies is an asshole He puts willie up who just did 22 tonight shows He puts rogan up who's starting to get heat And then he puts my fat ass in there and I just eat a bag of dicks But the place is so packed. You can't even get out of there. Yeah, it's tough to even describe to people What this place was in la on a tuesday night at the county store

It was african-american night. It was joe tory night. Oh, yeah, there was no white acts And and you were calling for spots, but if they gave you a spot on tuesday, you were pissed if you were white Well, sometimes there was no audience. There was no parking. There was eight people and there was no parking All the hot comedy was at the doubling if you wanted to get my piece of ass It was at the double you want to do blow it was at the doubling you want to get an agent? You better be at the doubling. Yeah There's nothing like it. It was that type of place people. There's nothing like it Tuesday night if you weren't at the doubling hang it out. You weren't dick. Yeah, you weren't dick

I wasn't a hangout type of guy But rogan got me a spot because you want to do a spot. I talked to the anger Jay davis don't want to give me a spot. Yeah, yeah Next you know, i'm following everybody at alonzo boat. Wow alonzo boat would kill that would kill that room I go up there. I eat a bag of shit. I get off stage. I can't even walk out in front of the crowd Not from the embarrassment, but just from the fucking uh It was too crowded. Yeah, so I had to sit next to alonzo boat and this dude with long hair Who always had a bunch of women with him? He ran the club next

To the fucking club. I was at okay years later. He no years earlier. He ran the club, but I met I met and The big star his fucking girlfriend his ex-girlfriend vince Vaughn vince Vaughn's ex-girlfriend. Wow So i'm at this club. I hit the downstairs as his girl. I started talking to her. I got an animal magnetism She tells me she got some tutsuluts I got nothing. I got maybe eight dollars in my pocket I can't even get a drink because I can't pay a tip. I take it downstairs. We do a couple blasts We go to the freezer room. I put her on the keg. I ask her right out anybody ever do

A blast of coke off your little pussy and lick it. No, nobody's ever done that. We'll take that bikini Oh, let's put that little monkey to work. She went for the whole thing I put a coke right at the monkey. I ate it. I had my kaka wacking off the whole fucking thing It was horrible. Yeah, but they had us on camera. Also that little hindu door buff steroid guy Opened up the door with three big black guys and like get out. I put the coke in my sock and shit They took me upstairs. I wouldn't get rid of that coke. I'm old school. I hold on to this motherfucker I just gotta be away. They didn't handcuff me So it was just security. They didn't call it was just security. They called the cops cops were on their way. They had been on tape

And the next thing you know The girl's crying The other girl she's with is crying the guy with the long hair who thought he was johnny macho buying drinks Here I am eating his girlfriend's asshole in the freezer. He's sitting there redden the face staring me down And i'm like, what do you want me to do guys? Am I throwing out of here? Can I leave? And they're like, no We call the cops. We're gonna press charges with summons and shit You know, I can't go through this shit. There's gonna be some sexual shit But I look up and it was Miyagi across the street. Yeah, it was all you could eat sushi if you did a set

Yeah, so guess who's that all you could eat sushi Ralphie may I look up and I see Ralphie walking towards me waddling across Sunset Boulevard And when he crossed he goes, what's going on coca? I go listen go get your car Go get your car. He's like, why you go go get your car. They just called the cops Why I can't explain you go get your fucking car Ralphie Awesome, will you bar sending rogan come out and they go, what's going on? I go, uh, they call the cops rogan peeled off $100 bill. He goes call me from jail

You got my number and I'll go down there with willy Wow, will he goes call his bail bonds and all of a sudden I go, all right, and they're like, what happened? I go, I don't know. We're eating a pussy and they saw me on tape So this girl's gonna say something, you know, they got the tape nothing happened. I just ate a monkey You could see her pulled off her own panties the whole thing. Yeah, and the next thing you know, I see the forerunner Ralph Ralphie had the red forerunner with the silver bottom And the fucking security guard was trying to talk to the girl and the other guy was just amazed it was rogan from fear factor No, something he was amazed at rogan's radio whatever and I'm right there the truck is right there

And I fucking look I look I get right in the fucking truck. I close the door go go Ralphie Ralphie goes right around stays right on sunset and the next thing you know We're on fucking sunset and Crescent Heights, which is sunset and Laurel Canyon I go Ralphie just in case that foulness go past and hook that fucking right down. We were right there. I went to Where Ralphie was living where I was living more tell it was it had to be 9 o'clock at night I ate I licked some pussy and I came home with an A-ball and I don't have a bill Oh, and it was Ralphie who took me out of that mess. Wow

No repercussions nothing nothing I was just banned from the club for life and then uh, brian holtzman got banned a year later for throwing a chat And that was it. It was me and him that was banned Wow, I kind of remember the holtzman story. I didn't start hanging out the store to 2001 really Yeah, but you were there with Ralphie. I got oh, yeah, listen dawg. I got I was only at the store four years before you It's not like I was there done yet, right? I got there Well, I remember when I got there 97 Ralphie was already starting to just set up shop at the laugh factory Yeah, he was killing me. He was killing him at the laugh factory people coming to see him

People wanted it was amazing guys And then I remember because I loved Ralphie right away and you remember the big daddy guys Yes, they gave us the yes, and I remember going all right. I got another guy. Was it your connection? Yeah, it was your connection. I got you then Ralphie then fat james Wow, and I remember that that goes back. Yep And I remember Ralphie was so cool Steve Simone on this because all the guys I know that have love Steve has real love I could tell when you called me the other day and you said you just want to talk You knew I wanted to talk. Yeah

Because this is how you remember all this shit Is how you remember what you've done with the guy Another time I see him at the store I got a late set I got a package in my pocket I got 40 or 50 bucks He's telling me he already did a set. You know what I don't give a fuck about doing my set here You going home Ralphie goes. Yeah, I'm gonna go home smoke some playing smoke some refraining, you know I'm coming with you

We drive home. We drive to sunset and gardener. Mm-hmm. We parked the car All right, we're talking We're talking the whole way home. Baba boom. Baba beam We're gonna do this. We're gonna do that, right? We pull over he stops the car. We're still talking You know, you've been in a conversation. You're still talking. It's the best the next thing, you know, I open up my car door I get out of the fucking car. We're still talking as I get out of the car Now I get out of the car. I slam the car door. I take three steps. I'm still talking

I start walking towards Ralphie's house. I'm still talking I turn around no fucking Ralphie. Where was he? I look over Ralphie fell and he's on gardener And he's like help help me, right? So now I reach over and I try to pick him up with one hand. That's not gonna work, right? Yeah, so I got to get his hand and get his leather jacket Yep, as I'm pulling them up some lady by the fire department goes Leave him alone. I'm calling the police

I go Ralphie. You got to get up because they think I'm gonna be mugging you. He's like, I can't get up Come on. I slipped on the plate. There was no plate there He just fell this was equilibrium was off. So I'm picking them up picking them up picking them up picking them up I mean the lady's like leave him alone Call the police call the police I'm like Ralphie get up. They're calling the fucking cops on us. You fuck I walk in his apartment one day and he after them I'm happy to see him He's back there

He's got a screen up and a curtain And like another screen Okay, he's got no shirt on And I walk in and he gives me the the lips over the lips What's going on? He goes And all of a sudden what's the guy's name? What's the pretty boy's name? I Did not know this I did not know this

What's the real pretty guy in hollywood not only another caprio, but the other guy with the blonde hair Brad Pitt. No, fabio. No the blonde hair short. He did the movie with about the fucking black people. He played the attorney That's how his career got started of a time to kill Uh good looking guy smokes reefer has a Matthew McConaughey. Yes Matthew McConaughey So I walk in the Ralphies. I don't know dick about dick people. Okay. I'm just a it's it's gotta be 19 It's gotta be 2001 To that I was the only person who was allowed in that house when Ralphie didn't have a shirt on

Like that's how much he trusted me at the time. That's love I walk in Ralphie kind of covers up He forgot he ducked the door open And he's like They go, what's the matter? They go And all of a sudden he's like Matthew McConaughey Your movie sucked dick and all of a sudden he would go like this and all of a sudden you're here Fuck you

And Matthew McConaughey, I want to see your last movie. You owe me eight thousand and fifty cents And Matthew McConaughey and him were having this verbal dialogue glad knew nothing about until that moment Where the hell was Matthew McConaughey? Matthew McConaughey had a garage If you go behind 1440 Okay, if you go behind if you're driving towards sunset from fountain, yeah, and you're on gardener Right before you hit sunset. There's an old compadre parking lot. Yeah, and you can make a right in there. You went too far about 11 yards before that

Before you get to Ralphie's building If you hook the right. Yeah, there's an apartment. There's a string of apartment buildings Parking for those apartment buildings are back there, but there's some people who rent their garages A friend of his rented his garage to Matthew McConaughey Matthew McConaughey was working on the car back there He would go back there in the afternoons with no shirt on with a hat and Ralphie would spend his fucking day Torturing Oh, how great's Ralphie Matthew McConaughey your movies suck

And then here's the funny thing like I didn't I hung out with him and I did not know this and all of a sudden They blew the whistle on him like this has been going on for 90 days And the funny thing is everybody else in the building was down it Jackson was down it fucking somebody else there was somebody else in the building who said It is one of the funniest things to listen to He goes I was sleeping one day and I woke up to Those two going off and he goes I thought it was Ralphie Having a conversation with somebody else in the south

He goes it was Matthew McConaughey. He goes when I looked out the window Because those apartments don't have air conditioning Uh, so your windows always got to be open Oh, that's so did they ever become friends? No Till this day Matthew McConaughey goes back there and he probably looks back there and see if somebody's gonna yell at him Why would Matthew McConaughey put up with that? It's so funny now. It was dark. So like I told you guys I went back there one day after this went on it baffled me like I'm a fucking you know what I'm saying like

You are you or Matthew McConaughey? He started Matthew McConaughey like he would sing songs torturing him So did Matthew McConaughey ever confront him and really like no Matthew McConaughey finally did something Matthew McConaughey did something like he did something I can't remember what he did like he snapped one day. He's like come out you fucking pussy It was three floors But how Ralphie was doing it and sounded like he came from the top floor

So he's looking in the wrong window something Ralphie was on the first floor right in front of him But the ray Ralphie had him padded in the whole system. Uh, Ralphie worked It was and I remember going back there one day and just because there's a lot of times we would sit to smoke dope Like a lot of times it was such a popular area Right now at the top of my tongue. I forget who lived there then But you always bumping into comics in that area. Yeah, it was like it was almost like being on a college campus And we would sit on that wall plus the karate teacher who I I'd loved the shit out of Uh had a car back there and he would work on it

And one day he asked me he goes Fucking Matthew McConaughey brought his car to the wrong table They fucking hate on me and I'm howling And I'm trying to control myself and I go, what are you talking about? He goes Boy, he tries to fix his cars back there and then somebody in that building who fucking tortures him Oh, it's so good. He goes to one day two or three people got it on it and that's what happened like Gavin would get on it and shit What are you doing every day that he was there to every time If Matt if if listen to me if Ralphie had a meeting

And he was about to leave and he looked out the window and he'd see Matthew McConaughey jacking up his car The meeting will be canceled. He's booby trapped his window and he just started yelling for the top of his heart That's so great. She recorded it. Oh my god. Oh my gosh. That was like a jerky boys CD that you could buy Ralphie just hammering Matthew McConaughey's balls you have it was You know, and like I said to you guys at this time I was walking around with nothing I would go to his house at night and drink his vodka and fill the bottles back up with water That's a nice guest. Oh my god, I would do the worst things

I loved him like a motherfucker. He would make me laugh my ass off with that type of shit like you know The best was I'm an old pastor of Texas I'm minding my own fucking business And the phone rings at the condo Bling hello cow cow It's Ralphie may I'm coming right now Why don't you tell him I'm right now because I'm coming from Houston. It's your birthday. That's my birthday

His birthday was February 17. Mine was the 19th So he goes come down to Arby's Meet me at Arby's that's where you pull in and move go do some shit Yeah, birthday stuff because he the condo had moved There was an old condo on old pass on down here. We had moved this at Bart reeds club Bart reeds club was on the west side whatever. Oh, yeah So there was old condo was down the corner from taco cabana. I love talking wake up in the morning Go right to taco cabana like a motherfucker

Texas is Lisa. Yeah, we're going back to austin austin austin going back to austin Yo, I don't think so going back to austin Going back to austin. Yo, I don't think so going back to austin getting some shrimp I'm going back to austin. I'm getting that fucking thing Going to chewies get some human food Hang out with what's his name bobby and Sharon too Going back to austin austin austin going back to austin I don't think so. Anyway, sorry. I got all fucking excited

So it's your birthday. So it's my birthday Ralphie shows up. It's me. No, he guns all is. Oh, I love knowing Maybe john westling maybe maybe not It was that long presidents day So Bart reeds said if you need to stay in the condo till tuesday, she's not gonna clean it. Who cares? So I had no reason to come back to LA everything. I was homeless. Yeah, so anything I didn't have to come back to LA. It was fine. They all fit to Drive back with me. I couldn't do that 24 hour drive. That was brutal. I already had a fucking plane ticket. So I was like, no

So that sund that sunday we hung out and then that monday we woke up everybody sat at the condo, which was nice And we went somewhere and then we went to the movies We went to see payback With mel Gibson good movie 2099 What am I thinking is it was densel washington in that movie? No No, this is 1997 kick it Lee. You remember that movie Lee? I don't I don't think so. No

Why would you you were too busy playing fucking horoscope movies and shit Payback mel Gibson. I was not I was not you've never seen this Put a scene on from fucking this guy's great. See 1999 He was brilliant. We went to some movie theater to see this 97 or what one 99 payback mel Gibson maria bellow. Yeah tremendous Fucking tremendous kind of black and whitey ish kind of it was shot differently brilliant You know like we were talking about before mel Gibson was fucking brilliant up to one point. Yeah So we go into this movie. We ate somewhere like we were on our passes. I'm just assuming we ate some mexican. That was good

And we go into this movie and it's all of us and we've got the whole row invaded You know give it take me raffi jody furtig No, we can silence They had to be eight of us. I can't remember who else was that I think it was carlos mencea weekend And we were all openers and we all went together And there's a silent part in a fucking movie And I rip a farm That ricochets off the chair and goes out to the stratosphere

And the whole movie looks at raffi because he's the fattest dude in the movie And i'm like jesus christ raffi man. He's like fuck you Fuck you cuckoo. I can't believe you blame me another time again him and i were dirt poor And we decided with coupons We had everything at that time. Isn't it crazy that crazy? No, no, we all think money's the answer. No, but you look at the happiest times of your life We had nothing nothing he was yelling at matty mccanay He's just making the biggest that's more fun than going to feed that scroll that for a second

I bet matty mccanay still hates that guy. Hold on food. Let's take out Yeah, put the trail on this has james coburn in it This is a no no no go back for a second go back go back go scroll down Right there this one. Yeah Watch this scene kick this lot Look who it is. This is like her first big thing Look how hot she was My 70 grand I want it

I don't have it right now Where is it? I gave all 130 000 to the outfit. I gave it all to them Well Tommy gave him money that doesn't belong to you And get it back Yeah powder. I can't do that. I mean, you don't know these You're gonna kill me whether I get the money or not

Look, I'll go Lucy Lewis. I'll get her. She's getting tired though. Look at her. Give me a few days, all right Noon tomorrow Say all right Yeah, this makes out crazy porter, but uh, no hard feelings, huh? I did what I had to do You could appreciate that. Yeah, I appreciate that Please allow me Oh Jesus

Look at this. He's giggling this shit. She loves all this shit What the Oh my god Let it work That's why you pay these chicks to come over and do this to you We love you, baby We love you Time

Look at her ass Look at her little Chinese. Look at her. She comes back with a whip now. Oh, this is tremendous You wouldn't give a Chinese girl 500 to be Chinese and suck your ass off For those listening She just stepped on his balls and squished it all like a cigarette. It's tremendous. That's why you fucking pay him the nickel No, we don't who else is going to step on your balls and smack you in the face like that. I don't want anyone to do You don't know what type of party you're missing

Tell me you've had someone kick you in the balls joey Listen to how the chicks smack me in the face a couple times and tell me to go fuck my mother. It's tremendous You come like a fucking savage, you know You just can't stop coming you You get flashbacks of mom the whole fucking thing You go back to the womb and shit Where's Tony betting Tony Bennett for fucking Ralphie made another one and sit there like a mum look at a yank I love you cocksuckers

What are we talking about? Oh, then we went to the movies you farted and everybody blame right that was that time Why he goes Ralphie and he goes stop cocoa and then about a year later He went to universal city up here up here and fucking whatever it is and we born Oh Hold on hold on pull the clock. I'm sorry. I started throwing them in there. It's right. Oh, no And who as whoever we're in the second level right now

They're in the movie theater. We're in the movie theater. You guys are professional 11 year old. You're farting So we're sitting like this watch the movie there's a balcony. Okay. Yeah, we're up in the second balcony And instead of like whipping them in people. I'm just letting them go, right? It's wherever they land So they go to someone's skull You know we're firebombing people and they're the m&m ones. Oh the peanuts. Yeah the peanuts. They got substance to them So we're whipping them off the top And you can see them throughout the screen

You can see We're fucking howling in the back But out of one of those peanuts you heard going And it just By the time it got to where we launched it It was like I had the guy had a headache and everything It didn't break it hit the guy's head and bounced off So he held his head for

Look at that He's looking back to see who could have done such a thing I would immediately think it'd be you two guys Look at him from our prime summits I'll sit there. I'm pissing my pants. The guy's looking up. I'm fucking howling right Ralphie's having a heart attack Ralphie don't know what to do So he's like, okay, you can get a strong headache and all that eat the evidence. Don't worry about that

So we take the fucking What are you saying? We take the fucking m&m peanut thing and we drop behind this like it wasn't us and That's it. Nothing happens Okay The movie ends Me and Ralphie are stoned to the gills The movie ends I'd forgotten all about the peanuts. I'd forgotten about everything

Do you understand? Yeah, the movie was so good. I kind of remember what the movie was But I don't remember what the movie was But I do remember That when the movie ended You know, Ralphie didn't walk fast and neither was I. I was in no shape. Maybe I'll remember that I was in bad shape I must have taken us 20 minutes to walk downstairs as we're making the turn

I had forgotten about everything. All I had in mind was he was going to take me to eat somewhere We were going to go back to his house and make a sandwich And the next thing you know, we walk around the turn and the guy's got a nice pack on his head And he's got the m&m and he's yelling at the manager like you have to fingerprint this And call the police. I was assaulted and the manager's like so do you want to press charges? He goes yes, and me and Ralphie it took everything It took everything for us not to just how and we we walked like 10 feet and just This things you forget and this things you still remember I still remember that walk

How we kept banging our legs like fucking howling that we had both forgotten about the peanut And here it is this guy's got a nice pack on his head He's completely bald and he's got the peanuts like with a glove on He must have been crawling on the ground looking for oh my god. Oh my god The best stuff that's the shit that you really can't uh You know the damn supposed to meet in my dojo And I couldn't I went downstairs and had a flat they were doing construction when I lived on Schrader Okay

You didn't say where were you supposed to meet him at the sushi place? Okay, he was pissed And he goes, what do you mean? I go out that I used the spare so I got no fucking spare So I called the tire guy and he's trying to get his size and then once he could put it on For the 20 bucks. I'll get I'll go out to you and he goes. Where's the motherfucking car? And I told him I said right in front of the house thing was what was the address He go, what are you gonna do? He goes don't worry about nothing. What's this? He goes, what's the address? Give me address dog, you know, I go upstairs

He calls me. He goes are you downstairs? I don't know. He goes go downstairs. Give the guy your keys Go downstairs. I got toes in my fucking car Firestone on La Brea Oh, yeah, I was my car over there and next, you know, I got four brand new tires on the fucking car Where you at player I gave me next to 300 so you could be in 20 minutes come on over Wow, I ordered yasushi and lobster roll, you know, he would come back like here. I was Living in this dingy apartment I didn't have nothing, you know

I was either still addicted or towards the end of it And uh, he would come back on Monday like if his plane landed at 440 He would pick me up at 7 o'clock take me to the weed store. He would spend 2200 2400 because he was going to West Palm Beach. There were a bunch of pots smokers there the waiters So he wanted to make sure they had weed and he wanted to make sure I had weed That's what he used to take the weed and put it in his rolls Lee wake up you're going

No, no, no, why would he put it in his rolls hide it because that's how he would hide it in his rolls Oh my god, but he would come in and spend 2000 he was spending 8000 a month His wife was going nuts Because he would take it out of the t-shirt money In those days in 2005 six seven eight Guys he was coming home with manila envelopes In rubber band a $5,000 nomination And the rubber bands that had to be eight of them in there that was merch

Wow, that wasn't even the door sales and the booze and nothing else So he would fucking in front of me. He would fucking go in his briefcase and take a fucking rubber band out There was five grand And we go into the fucking weed stall and he'd just go crazy. This is edibles and big And then like he would tell the guy, what's the best weed you got? That would give cocoa an ounce give cocoa an ounce of that Give cocoa an ounce of that give cocoa cookies. I would leave there with $9 worth of weed that I

I would give away Because Ralphie would give it to me. So I give it to Ari. Yeah pass it on. I give it to Duncan That's when we were like all struggling. Yes, and we were young So Ari would get a call Duncan would get a call red band would get a call So when I get to the comedy store, I give them all that was death squad It all went downhill. So nobody everybody got a taste And then I would tell Ralphie that I gave some to them So now they would how do you think Ralphie and Ari yourself fucking tight like I'm telling you man

I know Ari a long time Ari took a big hit with Freddy Soto Yeah, that one got me and this one is gonna get for Ari too. Ari took a hit with Freddy Soto You know, I knew Freddy, but I didn't really know Freddy as much as to take a big hit with him Yeah, Ralphie. I was more personally involved with him, you know, I remember visiting Ari two years ago in New York It was a great night Gabriel Glacias brings me to New York We land me and Gabriel having drinks at the bar. We get pizza He's calling in the night Ari's calling me. When do you get in here? When are you getting here? All right, because Ari's at the dinner with Justin. They're at some fancy place, whatever

Finally get to Ari We meet Bill Murray and we just walk from wherever we are An hour and a half to Ari's house just through the streets in New York on a school night Wednesday Three o'clock in the morning and the phone rings and it's Ralphie May Because that's how tight Ralphie and Ari were and he puts me on the phone with Ralphie. I'm in New York I haven't even landed I've been there four hours Hang Gabe get to meet Bill Murray me and Ari are catching up. All right class

Stevie Simone, you're a good man. And I'm just like that's it. I because didn't Ralphie bring Ari out on the road for a while Yeah, he took all of us. He helped and you know, we it was I think I did two dates with him now I loved Ralphie to death in those days You know Ralphie was A killer. Yeah, but on the other hand I was a different type of killer Yeah, so I would kind of scare his crowd. He took me to maybe when he won last commie He took me somewhere Beaumont one time and then we went to like a bigger room where I just bombed

But both times late. He didn't know what he was giving me I never worked with anybody like that before everybody sends me a check in the mail This guy just wanted his pocket and just handed you Sometimes it could be 1400. Wow. Sometimes it could be 800. Sometimes it could be 2200 You know, he knew what I went through He knew what I went through all those years and when he hit I was still fucking banging and I could never look him in the face But from time to time

He would slip me a hundred or two the week I got the longest yard But he slipped me 200 bucks like the day before I officially got it And I always said it was from that lucky 200 dollars a game because that's when he was on fire So he was supposed to go to houston And I got the longest yard It was august. No, it was june of 2004 something I was supposed to go on a club date with him And then when I cancelled for the longest yard after that somebody filled my spot

That's how it works. You don't cancel a Ralphie, you know, I'm saying I gotta start from the rotation all over again You gotta carry luggage and shit But another time that were you around for his wedding? No I wasn't at the wedding now, but I remember it. You remember that As weird because he there was nobody he didn't invite Do you know what I'm saying? It's not like he didn't send invitations like normal weddings like I think he got married three times I think so he got married in vegas Somewhere on the east coast and then he had a party here

On the sunset. No on hollywood boulevard They tried to do comedy there It was a place and they served food a star strip strip star something weird That was the name of the fucking place Ralphie got married there But when he got married he sent the invites out. It didn't say Ralphie on it. It said raffie, right? It's great

You know, it could only happen to him. Yeah, and he's got me as a buddy Just more ammunition to break his balls. Oh, yeah That whole week of the wedding I kept calling him raffie And I told people to call him raffie and his face was turned red. He was so mad at the printer. He was fucking joking Even at the wedding I said to him. So what's going on raffie? He's just froze And he looked at his wife and he goes Hey lana

Remind me that the pain of printer like he was so furious that that fucking printer that he messed up his fucking name You had one job. You had one job Did you call him raffie to the day you probably called him? No, no, no I had to switch it up with raffie because I had he's a professional comedian It's like really a jujitsu tournament before you fuck with raffie You better come prepared and know how you're gonna slip inside And get him to die a laughter raffie loved it direct He didn't like you fucking around. That's why I could always get raffie on the phone

raffie liked when I was direct with him On the fucking phone, you know like uh I I can't even imagine I can't remember all the things I used to do to him just to torment this fucking life Coco Oh my god, like I said people it hasn't even Soaking in I have Thousands of these, you know

There's thousands of these I have a friend right now that I haven't spoken to in a long time I have a couple of you know that they were we were all there with a man And they have to feel as bad everybody. This is deep for a lot of people trust me I'm telling you this is uh This guy was a good guy all the way around And like I said, you always get I saw some really really negative things on facebook And I saw some really negative things on twitter today It really made me laugh because if they really knew who this person was

Regardless of what they heard because listen There was a thousand things he there was a thousand people he helped. Oh, yeah that you and I Will never know about yeah Trust me i'm telling you it's true You and I he wasn't that type of dude, bro If he helped you it was between him and you Yeah, that's it

That's it Nobody else was involved. He wasn't bragging. Don't show about it He did it because he wanted to do it because he wanted his heart. Yeah Yeah, so yeah, you know listen, man. I'm 54 years old I lost uh both parents. I lost two of my favorite people in the world before I was 18 I know how this shit works and If this is the final chapter in my life, I gotta tell you something he really added some flavor to it From day one, you know, he was never a competitor

We were always always very helpful to one another You know, he got me gigs. He got me so many fucking gigs But if there's done one thing I gotta miss about him Isn't it generous? It was our conversations on the phone. Hmm our conversations on the phone. I don't know what I'm gonna do about those that's gonna We always uh ended getting off the phone fucking howl, you know, we had mutual friends From houston. So we were goof on them. It's great. It was just uh But you know what man the beauty about these stories i'm telling you people is

Maybe you haven't heard him or heard him before you guys heard him on the podcast You guys felt his tenderness you guys felt His loving you guys felt how much of a good time he would have, you know We all knew what he was going through you heard the rumors or you didn't hear the rumors or whatever, but It didn't matter every time he came on here. He gave it Everything we had, you know again, and I hate this I hate saying this I love comedy. I love listen who doesn't love howling

I'm not talking about saturday night. Haha. That's so witty. It's so politically Oh my god. It's so socially environment. No, no, no, I'm talking about when you're killed over And you're coughing you're fucking long out and your eyeballs are about to come out So It's uh, it's a weird thing for somebody to make you laugh that hard And they just make you day My god I'm about to have a heart attack right now about

That bird christian, right? I can't even tell that story That bird christian, right? I it was one of the funniest nights of my life With the way when he he fell into the fucking kids house You know This is it. This is I My the anxiety just I don't know anxiety medication. Let me just Do this fucking guy No, you guys know I have no reason to lie to you people. I'm a fucking animal. Give me a towel, please or something

Yeah, I have to oh, no, no, don't get about it You know, you guys don't come an animal and I love to laugh Do you know what it is to want to laugh? But you can't because this is just picture your mother falling downstairs I gotta pee so bad if your mother fell down the stairs would you fucking how? How much do you love your mother? But if she fucking got off the stairs and her wig fell off Would you laugh though? It's your fucking foot. It was the same thing around for that night And let me tell you something. What's sitting there?

I'm gonna smoke out. You know me dog. You got me to your house. I'm bringing the munition of weed I'm like that vagus shooter. I'm bringing everything with me. You know what I'm saying? You invite me over to your house For a podcast. I'm bringing animals. I'm just trying to be the best I can be I'm showing up with the goods I'm showing up with the goods you invited me over to your house. I know you get high I'm gonna bring the best weed the best animals. That's so what you know, he invites me over and I'm sitting there and we're waiting on Ralphie, you know, and I know Ralphie dog

Every time we had him on this podcast the first two times I totally listen. Oh, yeah There's gonna be one of these podcasts. We don't know when he's gonna show We'll give it an hour and then we'll start the podcast but out of his love for me He always was one time. I think he was 40 minutes later some but he was always he showed up He was solid and you know some people they just move a little slower and I understood but So the podcast supposed to start today this motherfucker shows it pretend He sits on that fucking chair You hear the wood like reeking the whole time

We do the podcast. He's fucking out of it guys. Now when I tell you out of it we're family Something else was lingering if you want me to lie to you I can't lie to you Something else was lingering in the system He's my brother Being heavy. He's my brother I don't say nothing. It's not for me to judge We wrap up the he's smoking the vapor pen. He just had that fucking pneumonia Memo and they carried him off the ship

And I asked him if he tipped over the helicopter and all that shit, you know, I used to torment his life How many people had to carry him and the whole thing and They took him off the ship and he went to the hospital and he stayed there for three weeks and they put a tube in his lung So when he came home He obviously took the tube on he couldn't smoke reefer But he was hitting that fucking vapor pen. No, I gotta tell you something That vapor pen gets you high, you know But he's 500 pounds that vapor paint. There's no reason why he should have been nothing, but it wasn't

So we got to wrap it up. It's fucking midnight Bert's got three daughters, you know, two daughters. His wife is inside. We got to walk through the house Yeah, all quiet the dog is barking and here's me and Ralphie walking through the house So we open up the man cave pop pop pop Bert walks out I walk out second Ralphie follows I help him up boom boom boom Me and Bert are talking about whatever the climate whatever the fuck two comics talk about what club you're going to next week And all of a fucking sudden You hear pa pa pa pa

But you heard wood smash Like when you hear wood smash, that's real like I thought somebody jumped out in the top of my three car samurai I turn around and it's fucking Ralphie smothered with wood and splinters He just broke fucking this whole thing Poor little girl It was something that And I you know

It was john candy type comedy like listen guys. I got a thousand of these life forgot Like just him picking me up in north bergen like he came To my hometown And picked me up and drove me around maybe three times And then after that he I even got a call from a teacher friend of mine Well, I'm gonna see this week in Tampa That was my teacher since I was a sophomore in high school I hooked him up with Ralphie. Wow and he called the other day and said I can't believe Ralphie's fucking dead. That's that's terrible

So this is no, I hooked Ralphie up with all my friends Ralphie was tight with mr. T Ralphie was tight And love George my friend George. Well, I would lead love George Whenever he was in jersey George would bring him ribs pork fried rice from chans So last I heard They're not gonna have a service They're gonna cremate the body like I said, they're gonna get a lot of wood

All right, they're gonna cremate the body and then they're gonna take them They're gonna have a reception in Arkansas with his family The they're gonna do something in Nashville But most important they're gonna do something in LA On monday the 23rd or something like that. We'll have to figure out how we're gonna do this Lee But we'll figure that one way another. We're always a strong fucking team here. Hold on one second. Let me do a couple shoutouts here Where you going next Steve Simone? Uh house of comedy in phoenix. What is that? October 25th? Look at you. You bet. We just one night

25th through the 20 through the 30th. I'm there all week. It's like wednesday thursday friday saturday and sunday Yeah, if you're in the phoenix area go over by the house of comedy. Look at my man. Listen. I want to give some shout outs I can just imagine What ookey spooky's feeling like, you know, I love you I can just imagine what D from colorado's feeling like right now You know, I love you. Jeffrey Collins. I'm always here. Bob LaLingus. I love you. Jose Tota to he I love you to ethics and

This anyway, I'm no fucking whatever david maca Andrew G MMA dude bro Alex pause with the podcast And the rest of the fucking church family Helping me out Keeping me fucking smiling all weekend You mother fuckers. I owe you one. Don't forget if you're in the Tampa area next weekend

I'm slinging dick and giving out fucking swizzlers over at the Tampa improv Starting thursday night and the following thursday. I'm an oh shit I'm in lexington ky on broadway lexington, kentucky Bring that fucking home brew Bring the reefer bring everything you got kentucky. I don't give a fuck Steve Simone talk to me my little brother. What's going on in your world? Everything's okay, man. This you look good

Yeah, I mean you're another guy that I've known you for forever. We've been here for like and that's where josh wolf Really like josh called in the afternoon like josh. It was it was really weird how the phone rang and I and I Tried to take as many as I could to let people know listen. It's cool. Yeah Okay And I already said it best he goes out like I said every time I saw him I prepared for it When josh wolf broke down to me. It's like do you even remember? What we were going through those days Like we were all fucking broke. Yeah barely putting it together josh. Wolf had just had jacob

You know that that was Comedy Was the bright spot then Everything else was shit. I was starting to lose contact with my daughter. Yeah, they were moving to england It was just something that you know josh wolf had knocked like he said he had the child Now he's in a one bedroom apartment with two of her kids And a great dain and fucking his brother and you know, it was just something that everybody just to let people know man that Whatever it starts at Ralphie. Whatever dream you got

It could be done and we did it together and I never realized that To Ralphie past that josh wolf brought it to my attention that that little click down there That was a really cool time That was a really cool time And it's even if I wasn't going to Montreal There was only one person who believed in me back then that's missy shore. That was good enough for me That was good enough for me. Nobody else liked me. I couldn't get my agent was the coloring book And I had a fucking deal from uh cbs for a fucking show and I couldn't get nobody to sign me. Wow

Let's draw cards on the fucking table here I couldn't get nobody to fucking sign me help me out I had somebody giving me 25 grand and I had nobody negotiating the deal because I didn't have an agent Wow, I need an attorney and a friend of mine goes. She's a great attorney. She's black, but she's a fucking savage So I said, okay, I called I got nothing against black people. I called and that's what she was a theatrical agent slash attorney So she goes listen you come in here with 25 g's. I'll give you a fucking shot So she started repping me. That's great. But I had nobody I showed up here with a with an envelope

Like a fucking cuban shows up to see a jew you show but an envelope from day one I couldn't get nobody to sign me guys. That's how fucking I turned p. That's how bad it was for me And it was that whole two or three years. It was like four years. I moved in with terry In 2000 so it was I was on that corner For about three years and Ralphie was the catalyst I could tell you whatever fucking story I was that I was doing this and that that's a bullshit story I was living in front of Ralphie's fucking door cradled every night with no sleep apnea machine dying Just I didn't think I had sleep apnea then because I used to sleep all fucking night

But it's that's what josh will point it out to me And I think that's why I couldn't fall asleep right now. I'd forgotten all about that. I fucking hate when I forget shit How many times Ralphie cooked There was an incident that happened there one night on 9 11 The same bar when 9 11 struck We opened up the day at mike faveman's house including joe rogan. There was a lot of us in mike faveman's house That was fucking nuts But then word got out Ralphie was cooking up a gumbo

Some people went home. That was my home over there. Yeah, I was living with terry at the time I remember going over there that night and I forget who was there And here's Ralphie Living off peanuts. It's 2 9 11 2001 2001 He's scraping by on fucking viselea gigs and Rudy Moreno gigs and willie barson and gigs and Felipe spars and gigs just like the rest of us in those days you know in fact me and Me and Ralphie would drive to a lot of those gigs together those thursday wednesday tuesday gigs

We would do those constantly. That was our bread and butter. That's how you book groceries That was 40 miles a spot. That was 120 from tuesday to fucking thursday You know $10 for gas to get down there back and forth Nobody even knows you're down there and you get to get you a couple tacos Those guys were always cool. They give you a drink ticket and shit You talked to a couple Spanish girls. Ralphie did all that shit. Yeah, Ralphie did the black rooms That dude paying his fucking dude is funny. He's funny. No, that's no mistake that dude Worked it. He was working door deals in texas

When we were starving He would still go back to texas and come home with three four thousand dollars Something that nobody does as a fucking whatever level, right? He had built a little market somewhere. I forget where it was Some fucking town and he would go down there with john west lane or some other comics and He'd fucking rape a man. He was that strong even back then business wise. So We're gonna miss him We're gonna miss him in real life. We're gonna miss him on the podcast. We're gonna miss the shows

We're gonna miss his advice We're gonna miss that fucking face You know the last couple days you got on facebook You're having a good moment and all of a sudden there's a picture of him and you look at him and it seems like he's staring right at you And your heart melts for a minute. You're like Wait a second. I'm never gonna see him again. No, this is bullshit Your mind always rejects it at first like this is bullshit like And you guys talk about joy. What the fuck do you know? Well, let me tell you something. I remember my mom died

in november Of 79 I saw her in the casket. I saw and put her in the ambulance I saw them close the casket And put it into a car And then I saw them take it out of the car and wheel it to a hole and put it in there and throw dirt on it And the next day I went by the fence because I lived two blocks away from the cemetery And I saw them dig a film in the hole

Do you know that 18 months after that? Once every 10 days when I get a couple cocktails in me I would walk to my house and sit on the steps And walk around the back Just to see steve somoni. Maybe Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe my mom went away to florida and didn't tell me You know, that's how fucking tricky your mind works So I know

The last 20 years here My life has been wrapped on around rafi around one way or another You know, he filled the void for me that He was a guy that accepted me from day one He just accepted me from day one and he uh Do all this, you know, he knew everything though. I could tell him anything. He didn't give a fuck He really didn't he never judged me. That's what made me love him more than anything in life That he knew everything moved that went down in my life. He knew everything crazy

He was in the car that night night all right Steve Simone I got a call From my friend zax this little hot filipino I mean fucking smoking league Steve Simone she's smoking I meet her once or twice, you know drugville, you know what I'm saying? Yeah

And the first time I see I see the skirt she's got on the heels and I go, you know This is a fucking this chicks banging. She was americanized, but she had the black hair and beautiful dark eyes So it's a sunday night I'm watching football like everybody else at five o'clock and the phone rings I had a cell phone back then. Yeah It's got to be 2006 Okay, and I got a call at about two and five in the afternoon

And it's a woman's voice and she goes, do you know him? I go no she goes it's And I go what's up and she goes nothing can I talk to you about sound like oh, yeah, she goes listen I'm uh I got a big roll in the movie It's gonna be like three weeks of work guaranteed But I need to pay sag and they want like

1800 or something. I don't know what the number was that And uh, I just want to know if I could borrow from you and I'll do no listen I got three dollars in my pocket and 22 15 in the bank account Do you know what I'm saying? They're ready to shut it down. Yep I'm waiting on the tips to come in Before they shut it down. You know when you tip people they don't come in right away Then you look at your yeah $22 light. Yeah, and you're like fuck. That's right. I put tips down and shit well, okay

so This girl's telling me, you know, she needs the 1750 whatever if I could help her out Blah blah blah blah blah blah. So you know me I can make a call for her But let me see what you know, I go. So what's going on? How we're gonna work this out? And she goes, well, um, you'll give me the money. I'll pay sag tomorrow I think I start working next week in Seattle And when I come back, I'll hand you the money And I go, but what if you don't

I go what let me see the contract and stuff like that. Let me see who the production She goes well, I go. Let me get the name of it Is that my mdb? Yeah, I go to mdb. They nothing for this movie And I look on pre-production and nothing on that So I go listen. I don't see nothing on this. Do you have sides or anything? And she goes well, he gave us the sides but then he rewrote them Like a horse in the movie and she blurred a bunch of big names. I go, okay

Well, there's nothing in here on it. I just uh, I go listen. Let's make this easy I go forget the payment. Let me just give you 17 50 and let's go to the hotel room. Let me You know, let me work it up that way. There was like a little silence And I'm like, I got three thousand in my pocket. Right. And like I said, maybe 22 She's like, what do you think you want? No, she's like, she's like a little shy. She goes, what do you want to do? I don't need your munking and maybe give me a little stab and And she goes, and there's like a little pause in there, you know There's like a little pause in there. She's like, well, no, I just broke up with my boyfriend. I'll feel weird. I go listen

No, I'm not in 1750 Nobody knows nothing. Don't worry about nothing. I'm gonna tell you 1750. You don't have. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I gotta push the envelope, right? So she's like, uh, so what do you want to do? Let me go over and give you a stab and eat your monkey And I go, let me come in your mouth and she goes, well I don't do that. I go listen for 1750. You got to do what you got to do You know me dog. I'm a savage. Yeah, and there was silence Right because she goes, okay. Where do you want to meet? And I go, where are you?

She goes, well, I'm close to like honey to my goal. Listen If there are four seasons somewhere close to you And she goes, yeah, there is a marina. All right, let's go there. I'm gonna go to sweet I'm gonna fucking fuck you for fucking 10 hours She's like, no, I have to leave by like two And I go bring the skirt and I started just 20 and I go bring the skirt Bring the heels bring the catholic skirt bring the dildo And you can hear her like, oh

Just turned into something I didn't like So, okay, I hang up with her. I'm giggling. I got a little giggle just to see how far I could push it In my mind, she's never gonna call back, right? It's like a prank phone, right? It's like a prank phone call I'm sitting there watching fucking tv You forget totally. Yeah, I'm sitting there watching tv. I forget the phone rings and poop Ralphie May What's up? What's up dog? I'm downstairs. Let's go get some Food let me hook you up for the week. It was a sunday. I wasn't expecting Ralphie on sunday Ralphie always came back on monday. So I didn't get to call monday night

Or by wednesday he'd show up and let's go buy a pound of weed But this was a sunday night. So I go, all right, I'll be right down and take a shower Ralphie's downstairs in a brand new fucking car. I get in there. He hands me 200 right off the bat You know, Ralphie was just pimping back then We get in the car. We go over to kushmark We buy another $2,200 worth of weed and now we're going to eat sushi Somewhere we weren't going to expensive place. I forget where we're going And the next thing you know, my phone rings

And look at the phone and it's this chick. Uh-huh. So I answer Ralphie Ralphie I want to pick this up. Don't say a word. Don't laugh I go this checker wants me to give him a 1700 I'm toddler. She wants to suck my dick and all this stuff and he starts I love it. Ah Ah Ralphie stop it. Don't say a fucking word Beep. What's going on love?

Okay, so where do you want to meet? I go that you look at the directions Hold on one second Did you look at the direction I go that you look at the directions whereas and she goes that's a marina that way I go, all right, I'll meet you. I'm real dark. She goes. I gotta ask you something She goes, how long do you want to hang out for you? How long do you guys go so? I'm real big. I have to meet the producer the morning pick up the script and stuff I go, what time is it right now? I just take a tater car and listen

I'll meet you that I'm going up to about one. That's it. We won't do much. You know me I come out right by the listen Ralphie's right there. He's just looking at me. The car is stopped. Yeah, I'm gonna listen. You know me I'm not gonna do anything I come in I'm the old monkey. I'm gonna suck that fucking noodle And then I'm gonna put my fucking dick in it. I want you to lick it

I'm gonna put it in there. Ralphie's like trying a little fucking not to laugh. I'm trying not to laugh And when I go and then I go listen And then I'm gonna flip you over. I'm gonna lick your asshole and then And then I'm gonna light that asshole on fire Right, and all of a sudden you hear like a pause And she goes, can I call you back? And me and Ralphie died and I'm like listen, okay call me back And me and Ralphie a fucking died. I tell Ralph because I forgot about it

I tell Ralphie the whole story and when dying, you know I might listen. I forgot how I told her it but I was like unless I'm gonna lick your pussy I'm gonna fucking stick it in you And then I'm gonna fucking then I'm gonna then I go I'm gonna put my dick in your mouth and want you to suck it and get it All right I'm gonna flip you over

And I'm like and then and then I'm like, yeah, it's all on fire Like I was just I just acapello this And she I could hear her holding me to Change on the other side like she thought it was just gonna be like I'm gonna go and feel her up and she's gonna leave I'm like, no, no, no, no If you go I'm gonna wear that ass whole lot And it was hysterical

She called back. I have forgotten about her again. I did she call back again. Yeah, she hung up Said she'll call me back to see if she can meet me which I knew She would never call back Just from her reaction on the phone. Yeah, I knew she was never gonna call back And while we're eating sushi at that place our son's and now I know where she called back and go raffi hold on And I'm like, what's going on? She's like, listen Well, it's off. I got my uncle to front me the money and I can pay him in three payments Thank you. That was young up the phone

And about a week later I was on fucking facebook and she unfriended me Oh my gosh hilarious But listen, she had I thought if I tell the whole whole whole story She was talking to me from day one When I met her the first two or three times I met her as she had a guy She always had a boyfriend with her. We bought weed at the same spot Yep, and then we hung out a couple times socially, but it was always with her boyfriend

Nothing never happened. I never said nothing right and then one day I see him and I go what's going on We're talking, you know, we all got together. He goes. I don't date a no one dog I just me and I broke up. That's it. And I never saw again. Yeah, I never thought of her nothing on one day dog I'm walking. I hear pee pee I'm looking at calling. It's her with a low cup blouse right no bra Those medium rolled breasts just staring in the face the sun bouncing off them And when I get to the car, she's got like a mini skirt, huh? You can see the black underwear. I'm like, oh

And she goes uncle joey. I need help. I go what's up? She goes, I need like 55 dollars for gas I go, sure 55 dollars for gas And I said I got like 42 bucks on me take this And I was a complete gentleman. I just thought that maybe you know what? I'm an older man. Maybe I'll show him my monkey And I move on with that but something else happened after that That I could see she was she wanted to play with fire. Yeah Like about a month later. She did something in the name of your show

Play with fire playing with fire like she didn't know that I would take her ass to the hoop Like she came back for more money And I didn't ask at this time like I was like I didn't think about it really. Yeah I didn't see the pattern coming And then she asked me for money the second time and I was like wait a second Something's not right here. She's just bumping to me on the street. Yeah She looks like she just came from a photo shoot from a bar and with no fucking bra Black undies on and she gives me a glance on monkey

She knows she was gone. No, she needed a headshot or something And then Something else happened and I was like something's not right here. Yeah Something's not right. Let's see where this is going to lead and sure enough Six weeks later she falls into the crutches of debt She calls uncle joey and tries to bang him off the 1750 On a tit show and maybe like a finger bang and I love you and the money is shit And I was like it ain't gonna go down that way. Number one, don't shave your monkey. She's like why

Once you're telling that right off the bat, you just destroyed everything There's no comeback for that in that little girl's handbook When the guy calls you and says right off the bat not even hello I opened up with don't shave that monkey What are you talking about? Don't you know that fucking monster? Don't shave it leave that fucking harry monsters. What are you talking? You know i'm fucking talking hilarious

It was hysterical how I psychologically broke her She actually thought she was gonna call me and trick me into Just me giving the fucking two thousand dollars. I'll give it to him But you gotta work a little something like a nut Something to do. You know what I'm saying? I gotta go to the bathroom and say all right if I take a break And Ralphie's keeping it together during all this Ralphie howl hold up I drank too much water

When she called into the car I never thought I was gonna get that call So I had to bring it down to Ralphie real quick like what was going on Like Ralphie when I take this call do not laugh this girl tried to borrow seventeen hundred dollars from me And uh for sag and I told her that one I have sex without a goof. I go Ralphie. I'm flat broke But the dog let me tell you something it's crazy How many people especially women will try to backhand you like that?

That wasn't the first time and guess what like the first time you do it I make believe like you don't know what I don't know what you're talking about But the second time I played a hand even though I don't even have the money Like I'll I'll torch you a fucking little bit If you're gonna be that fucking stupid and bother me with something like that And it's crazy. How far could it have gone? Like what if she was like, okay, I have the room Oh, then I was just told I got a flat tire Keep waiting pay for the room and wait for me. I'll be there half hour

Oh Lisa what the fuck? If you're gonna have a good time, you're gonna have a good time. We just torment women. Just no No, no, no, no, no. Well, not like in a bad way. Listen goofy was listen in life. Hold on I feel so much better. Thank you Perfect. Thank you as as as And I have to explain myself on some as uh my friend here Steve Simone who was one of the nicest

People in Hollywood and nice people at the comedy store. There's a lot of nice people at the comedy store the young people but Steve Simone's one of the most respected guys is a sweetheart of a guy When you first got to the store, how many swindlers were there? All of every Okay, so it was a different place now. What was the percentage was meant 95 percent? Yeah She was a female swimmer You know And you bump into a female swimmer sometimes People come at you at Hollywood with a good heart and there's a lot of people who take advantage of you. Absolutely. It happened

The kid who died It happens to a lot of people that have a little bit of money and they come out here Somebody finds out you have money. They latch on to you. Yeah, there's a lot of desperation out here and there's a lot of people coming out here for Whatever reasons and make some vulnerable target. Yes So it's sometimes most of the people that approach you are male But every once in a while

It's females trying to put to you put you together and that's when you don't have money Yes, I was trying to get Crank time. Well, I didn't have money When you have money and you're young in this town They come out for more friends. I had a friend once That got in the tv show He was on a tv show a popular show for like a year. It wasn't even a main character But he was a big time agency in

1999 it was a drama He was a comic from the comic story. It was like one of those sunday guys Okay, but he was acting and I remember he was like what a shit agency And he went in on one of those cop dramas on cbs and got it. There was that's when they used to give you you know the 17 episode orders This was an hour drama this kid disappeared and was making buku bucks I forgot what the mall was at the store here

Swindlers people coming at you What the fuck I'm sorry. Oh, no, no, no, that's right So he was like not the number one guy in the show But the show was popular on cbs And people would recognize him from time to time. He goes he moves into this fucking building And he goes within the fucking fourth day. He meets he sees a girl in the elevator And the girl system. So you moved in here. Yeah, my name is whatever. I'm whatever

She makes believe like, you know, everything's cool He says like a week later bump into again. I started talking to She says we should go out sometime. Um at dinner He goes i'm just being casual whether I didn't even hit her up for sex He goes I wasn't even thinking about it at that point, you know, we weren't even in that realm And I don't know where I tried to be honest with her because two people came up to me

At the restaurant and said that they liked the show So when I tried to tell her what it was She played it off in a weird way Like she knew So he goes they're driving home And he's taking them back to a car and she pulls over and she goes listen And you help me out with something And she thought it was like a ride to the house. Maybe she had a flat tire

She said listen, I'm gonna buy can I borrow three thousand dollars from me? And he said he had never Ever but if you see this guy, you know, I don't want to say his name. I don't embarrass him But yeah, if you see this guy's a really good looking dude, he's buff. I think he's still around. I don't know But he said he wanted to go home and cry First date Whatever matter. Hello. Goodbye This is a different world out here. Yeah

You know, there's a different world out here and I'm really sorry that they're not having a memorial Like a big time memorial somewhere like I think they're gonna have one in Nashville I think I'll have to go to one of them and pay my respects The one in LA is gonna be a little bit too full plug with the word phony eyes I think TMZ will be there and all that shit And you know what that's the last thing I want to fucking do on a monday night I got a podcast with you cucksuckers. I've been friends with him for 20 years. I went through highs and lows and You know what? I don't need to stand in line and make some stupid fucking speech

In front of a bunch of people that at the end don't give a fuck anyway They just want to be where the hot place is going to be And I'll be here with you motherfuckers doing a podcast What else you're gonna take the cd soon. You're gonna make a kid's book Every time I talk to you, I got it. Yeah, I got a little webs series called it's still broken Okay, or me. I have a buddy that can fix everything So he taught me and Eric Griffin last week how to fix a toilet, which is I actually learned how to do it, which is good

And then I showcase for hopefully I'll get that comedy store special, which would be great And got the road coming up. What's the shooting there? Well, I think the store wants to do it themselves. They have different investors, but I showcased I think I think they're gonna give one to Ingram I showcased Jesus Trejo showcased. He's a good kid Jamar neighbors a lot of funny young guys were up there showcasing. So hopefully I got a shot And they'll shoot them all in the main room. I don't know. I haven't heard any details at all. That'd be great the main room looks like it'd be a great place to

Shoot a little something something with people back there, you know Years ago, I want to congratulate Felipe Sparzing and but I also want to congratulate My dear friend who was one of the guys that put the whole thing together He started as a comic member He used to open up and work a lot with Jimmy Schu, but he's out of Florida Claude Shires Claude Shires, I only really think I congratulate Claude Shires for getting his work on HBO. He shot it. Claude directed that? Yeah, I think so. Oh, that's awesome Yeah, yeah, so two comedy store guys one special. That's awesome. Yeah. Yes

So that works out like so I want to congratulate him too and thank you guys for supporting that special Anything else you want to tell these fucking savages just talk to me baby talk Just like what you said before just tell the people that you love that that you love them and hug them You know, what do you want to say about Ralphie? I know he loved you I mean he come in here And he would call me and I tell him what type of torture I'd be doing to you And he would add some techniques to torture you with

Well, uh, I get the question a lot like who's my favorite church guest It's hard like the we do we get a lot of great people in here And like I don't really have favorites. It's weird, but it was always great when Ralphie would come It was always great when Ralphie would come and he was one of the few people who I met who Was who they were like who I wanted them to be like I like I grew up a fan of Ralphie I remember the last comic standing. I remember the special with the orange jacket and And uh, he was great the first time I met him

Give me a big hug and uh, we were at an office a few blocks away from uh In and out And I like one in the morning after I think the whole podcast was you like Joking with me about losing weight or something and then he He asked me to go get burgers. I didn't know it's like, you know, man I'm gonna try to be good and later you're like, you know, you should have gone You probably like 20 burgers and give me like a thousand dollars

I was like, oh highly I didn't know but uh I'll never forget the night the night with the yellow snake. That was uh That's one of the best nights of my life. What happened with the yellow snake his uh bracelet his son made him that that when we were doing that stuff He uh, he it actually did calm me down to like focus on it But then when he scared me with anything And freaked me out that like what's funnier than that

He is uh I'm definitely gonna miss him during the podcast But I'm gonna miss him more like I said our conversations on the phone Sometimes I'd be having a rough day And he would call me And I would just laugh I'd ask him where he was I know exactly where he was. I'd make a local reference We laugh for a while. It's gonna be a big fucking chunk

But like I said right now, I'm just processing it And you guys were fucking great. That's it That's it. That's it It just sucks. I think that's It's it's weird dealing it It's different dealing it with it as like a child and then dealing with it as an adult No, since this happened I've had a weird feeling about my heart It could be that burp

Sometimes you have a little burp twisted behind your heart. You go to the doctor And they'll tell you go take a good fucking stomach shit And watch that little pain go away. You got a little backup back there You gotta eat more vegetables and shit, but no, no, no, no I know your people are hurting and you know with fans and Thank you very much for all the support I want to thank Steve for coming on and sharing and Lee personally know him and all the new one personally and

You guys know the deal with me and him I wish him peace me too. I wish uh God heals them. Amen for sure You know right now Like I said, I'm a catholic person And I could just see him seeing Marilyn hugging her right now David Crowder and Freddy Soto and they're just hugging each other right now. Yeah Going what happened and then like I left Coco down there

He's got my babies. He's got he's got Lisa. I had you know Right now he's hugging Marilyn and hugging and Remember when I deep fried the turkey it's going to be marillons 10th year anniversary next one. Oh my god It's the 10th anniversary. I mean doing blow 10 years Never did cocaine and the fucking tremendous Life shifts if you down don't fucking write it down. You just heard the fucking stories That made uh, you know, you just heard the stories that I have from one of the greatest fucking comics I ever came across

And I judged him as a comic on stage, but he was like the Roberto Clemente at comedy He gave Everything he had to his fans He gave everything he had to his family and he gave everything he had to his friends You hearing it from me. Do not believe anything else you hear Listen, he did his fucking reefer He did a couple fucking drugs from time to time He smoked his pot. He loved his children

Everything he did was with them in mind trust room time. Yeah, we had deep conversations I don't know what's happened the last two years and I don't want to know it's not my business What's my business is that? He's in a better place He'll always have he'll always have a piece of my heart with him and I'll have a piece of his heart and uh I thank you people because I don't know how I'm gonna deal with this from time to time And listen guys, I could feel that

I'll be tail. I'm starting to feel a little bit of anger I can't lie to you people I felt it today I fucked up today I got caught my wife didn't go to church today. So I got caught up with them. I couldn't go to jiu-jitsu And it was a big fucking mistake and I had two kids parties So I couldn't even work out today. It was one of those days that

140 I could feel anger and it's all directed from Ralphie May like that. It's starting to hit me that way now So now I gotta deal with that. I gotta go to jiu-jitsu tomorrow and do 2000 fucking jumping jacks And burn that fucking bullshit up That's what it's doing to me because I felt it today. I took blood pressure medication. I was like the same bueno the same bueno cocksuckers But I'm not going anywhere. I'm getting my checkups. That's another thing a lot of people sent me messages saying to I'm with you guys Steve Simone

Am I a different man or am I a different man? I drink water all the fucking time Last night I drank a fucking little bit of soda with this mamook over here with mousse junior And uh, I had a good time He had some pizza with uh, it was really nice and burnt crisis. No I didn't have the fucking pizza with the pesto and the goat cheese I was embarrassed and then they put sriracha on it to really throw me over the top

It was a green pizza as it was it looked like somebody vomited. It looks like a cat vomited You know how they when if you make If you make stripping lobster sauce and take everything out. Yeah a little white vomit That's what the pie looked like a little green pesto on it and goat cheese to boot Thank you for having me word to really insult the fuck out of me, okay And then to really boot They went him and his tamunkia, buddy went and got uh that fucking hot sauce sriracha And we're putting sriracha on pizza the slice. I saw look good. There was old school just plain cheese pepperoni

I was the last life with lia like 22. I had two slices and even took one of his jacket. He didn't take I could smile. I didn't wear a jacket. I could smell the slice in his jacket I know he didn't have no hummus packed on his neck. I went to a party today kids party. They had a hummus And I just walked away from the table I didn't want to leave no evidence just in case I snapped they had hummus with tomato on it with little fucking nice little italian breads What a waste of italian bread. That was to say It's kind of tough to find good bread out and then they had like three pepperonis I swallowed them all before any of those fucking gentiles had a heart attack

You eat three pepperonis. You're fucking done How to go week this week dog. I went to gymnastics class I went to ballet class. I went to a kids birthday party I uh went to Like I said, my wife didn't go to fucking church this morning. So I ruined my morning But I got to spend time with them. We went to two parties today It was quite a weekend next week Tampa bitches

And the weekend after that lexington, kentucky Then the week after that It's halloween motherfuckers and i'm at home. I got like a fucking recital on friday night I got like a fucking halloween costume with um superman. Oh, that's awesome They night will keep you posted motherfucker. See you in tamper steve simona. I want to thank you Steve simona. I want to thank my man The christ killer lisa. I don't want to thank you and I want to thank the spirit of ralphie may For guiding me in comedy the last 20 years because that's what he did

He fucking forced me to be a better comic when he taught me little things from time to time. So This podcast is out of respect for ralphie may I hope he's in a better place now. Amen. Thank you guys for listening. Have a great week. Stay black Have a happy ambiguous day Ever since you yank club this day you fucking liberals now what are you gonna do anyway? Listen to my church people We all want to eat better like I told you in the beginning of the show, right? We all want to eat better. We really try when it comes to snacks

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