Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #527 - Jesus Trejo

Episode Date: October 24, 2017

Jesus Trejo, Comedian seen on Comedy Central and TBS, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Jesus tells Joey and Lee how he has balanced working and growing as a stand up comedian with running his family's landscaping business and taking care of his parents.  This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 10/23/2017.


Welcome to podcastville the church of what's happening now is brought to you by on it for all your supplement needs on it It's definitely the way to go whether it's shroom tech sports shroom tech immune New mood or my favorite alpha brain or the hemp force protein the chocolate Which they've been out of for a while, but that's as good as it gets in my world Go to honor calm right now. I can't get your deal on the weights or the gorillas or all the fucking kettle bells But as far as the supplements are concerned, I got your 10% offer right go to on it calm right now and press in church Bam, and you got 10% coming from Uncle Joey delivered right the house I also want to tell you this show sponsored by CMG links

Handmade Cuban chains these guys took care of me two weeks ago And I lost that fucking card and I go I know that I forgot something and I went in my suitcase and there were these two beautiful silver fucking gold link chains I Put them for about a lot So if you're into that stuff handmade Cuban chains CMG links in Northeast Miami look them up online They got some great shit kick this fucking mule Lee Monday the 23rd 22nd I have no fucking idea and I don't give a fuck you still got to get up and fucking Oh

Shit It's the church of what's happening now motherfucker I You kidding me or what? Joey Diaz here your uncle my man Jesus trail. What's up, man representing the LBC I'll be see all day born and raised baby and the Christ killer coming out the fucking box on a Jewish holiday on Friday What's happening gentlemen gentlemen, man? Thank you for having me. This is absolutely You're a great dude. You're a hard worker man. I try you know here's the deal, bro

I've been doing comedy for 26 years. Wow, okay And I've been here for 20 of those years And I've experienced scams from every avenue And I never thought that existed I could look you in the face and tell you something I stole things At the county store, but I never robbed nothing from the county store. Do you understand me? I might have found the wallet. Yeah, well found a lot of bill found or found a cell phone

Hacked it in happened across That was a time I was so broke living here I would at night at two I would go in the showroom and every night I was guaranteed a phone And if I was that broke I would go in the back for lost and found phones and just clip three of them The next day go to crankshow and I had a dude who was a bank robber Who'd buy phones from me for like 50 bucks a piece a and that's all I fucking did He used to hang out at the store at night with Eddie Griffin Then they robbed a bank in LA and two out of the four of them got busted and he was one of them

And I've never seen him again. Wow Fucking tremendous. So you must have a lot of cell phones at the house right now No, he had a cell phone store. It was oh, oh, I see what you were going there slip He had like a real cell phone store, but he bought hot cell phones on the side. You see I'm saying that's great, man Unbelievable and he there's a well. There's a way the hustle is real out here, man. The hustle is real and it's fucking nuts that I you know in comedy You go on facebook

I remember going on my space and and I knew this comic I knew him from the store when I first started and he had a misunderstanding with mitzi She didn't like his material And she said so she changes the material. She didn't want him back. Well, he went the hard way. He never changed He believed in that material He kept going on my space. I didn't see him. I wasn't at the store. I wouldn't see him out. That'd be somewhere else I didn't see him for about a year and a half and then one night stronger like a The improv or something and he went up on stage

And he was doing the same material meanwhile on My space he was writing that he was killing audiences He was on tour and all this shit, you know And you meet these Fucking fakes In this town You meet these people who have done comedy for three or four years And they come out here and they want to latch on to somebody or

They want somebody to fucking, you know spell it out for them or something like that And I see that shit and it breaks my heart whether it's in comics Fake producers, you know, like that everybody's talking about fake news Comments to a fill of fake producers at night or it used to be right I think they finally got the hint that nobody's buying your fake shit You know, maybe one of the you know guys in the belly room on sunday or buy it or something like that But they're not buying that shit no more. Right. There was one when the reality show boom came

You'd walk out and there'd be 20 reality show People talking to you and they were just there stealing material Oh, man Jesus they were just at the store stealing material sitting in the back waiting for a comic to say something So they could roam with the ball same thing with writers. Yeah, same thing with fucking writers when I first started out at the store Three nights a week. There'd be a creepy guy sitting in the back. He would come out and listen to you After a while you go, what do you do? I'm a writer in dharma and gregg. Sure stealing fucking jokes Right then one night you're watching dharma and gregg and they say one of your stupid jokes and you know, I

Did he steal my fucking joke? Yeah, because they would and now it's different now writers follow comics on twitter Right copy and paste out that bit. Yeah, it's fucking crazy because I'm gonna forget Twitter works I always when I first got on twitter I got on twitter for The reasons why everybody else got on twitter is a comic to exploit themselves and to see if they could Get to the top with twitter when I first got on twitter. I didn't like it But one day I fucking went to an audition And I saw Steven bowler there from down the corner over here and he was hey, let's take a picture

He took a picture and sent to me and I retweeted it the guy that wrote the book Saw that picture and I was auditioning and the next day he called my agent and he goes tell joey whatever role he wants Because he watched me on the rogan podcast And then on the uh, so I called I went for the small role the asshole that I am Because I didn't want to seem greedy. There was two mafia roles. I said, let me I thought if I asked for the little one Yeah, he'd go nah You're above that. Let's give you the big one, but he didn't say that so I

I took the other one and I didn't give a fuck was two or three days work because you're a cool dude That's why you're like, hey, there's enough everybody to eat Listen, if you go in there and making demands they're gonna go What the fuck I put my hand out and you want an orange, right? You know, there's a lot of directors that'll call you Jesus trail and go. Hey, man. Hey Zeus. What are you doing tomorrow at 8 a.m? Well, I'm gonna work out. No, no, no, listen. I gotta move down and move before you Gotta be at eight. You get I can chat here by eight tomorrow night. I'll pay you a thousand bucks for the day These are your friends when you get the opportunity. Yeah, you don't get there at eight you get there at seven because he's your friend

Yeah, you want him to look as good as you fucking can you want him to always feel confident If he's high as you recall in 10 minutes late, there's traffic in Long Beach You're never gonna job again, right? Seven eight is seven. I don't care if you sit there all day. You're gonna eat. Yeah, you're gonna eat and smoke dope That's real. That's real Living in Long Beach. I gotta wake up so damn early to make auditions or whatever, but it's like, hey It's just the game is a if you sit here and complain you'll find something to complain about it It's it's easy to complain do the work and just get up early. You know, it's so weird how many people have come here

Now I understand people leaving because of family stuff and they're still comics They moved to Indiana, but they're still comics Right and he's the top headliner when he features for guys Top notch guys when they come to town. I understand that and you get a radio job and you're a big deal I get that shit. I get it because one day i'm gonna leave here Someday i'm gonna fucking leave here a small time. I love it But at the same time there's guys that came here with their nose wide open Just to see what they they're getting or giving and they latch on

And then after a few years, they don't get nothing and they just take off and leave. I've seen that a thousand times Yeah, so I know when a guy calls me and he tells me I listen, but I also want to see his movement. Yeah, I want to see his movement. Listen when I first got here From 97 to 2005 I went out every night I don't know what anybody's talking about. I went out every night. There was no holidays There was no dates Hi, joey. I'm coming up to visit for four days. I want to see you walk out of here the comedy store 83 31 sunset I'll see you there at nine and come. Yeah, but we wanted dinner. Listen. There's no dinners in my fucking life

There's the goddamn comedy at that time I will go to the comedy store at nine because my spot was at one god forbid. There's a fallout and i'm right there Yes, yeah, plus you listen to it. Yeah, plus you listen to other comics You know, I hated the young comics that would go up then go fuck. I got a 115 this sucks Well, put a sign up and tell people you don't want your spot. I guarantee you get a thousand signatures Yeah, within one hour for a 115 fucking spot. You have no idea how fortunate you are right to be in that position So that's why when somebody offers me something Sometimes you get there and you're like, ah, sure, but then at the end you have to think about what's been done

Nobody moves here thinking they're gonna be a fucking movie star. You think like me. I thought I'd be an extra This guy just gave you two days on a movie You know like a fuck right when I first got here. I did something Oh, I did this movie. You got nothing Which got nothing Self-affirming prophecy in the title it got nothing it got nothing but one of the guys in that movie Was one of the guys that gave Brad Pitt the coffee in seven He played the cop when Brad Pitt pulls up with the black dude

And he gives Brad Pitt the coffee and he tells him the guys are fat dude in there or something When he went to look at the fat dude girth whatever that fucking was what was the guy the fat dudes Haven't seen for years. No, I'm sorry. Yeah So all that dude when he went in and then on the way out he says something to him again. Well, that dude got funding For a $450 a day shoot like a sag This guy came up to me when then he goes, hey man, I got this movie. I want you to play a producer It pays four fifty six a day. It's three days

And I remember telling somebody they're like you shouldn't take it. I'm like, are you fucking crazy? Yeah, this would be my third movie like somebody just gave me this It's not like I went into audition and had to get all done negotiate This was given to me, you know, and when I got there they had a couple bigger roles And one of the guys kept saying bro talk to him that role is perfect for you Why they give it to him and I'm like, you see I'm saying nobody's even then In 1999 when I was here two years, I knew what greed was How people were like go go ask him for the bigger role. You know what I'm saying?

Like I repeat everybody who becomes an extra Becomes an extra for three vouchers to become sag right those vouchers You got a better chance of bumping into a white chicken on the street and fucking her in the ass three times On the first meeting then getting a voucher league It's a cash 22. Oh, they hold on to those vouchers like a fucking pussy with a vault around it And for people listening, you need those to get your sag you need those to get your sag card, but that's a That's a highway to nowhere That's a highway to nowhere. They just mistreat you they treat you like cattle

They put you in your own area. We're eating hamburgers. You're getting a cheese sandwich like you did time That's a call for nowhere and the big promise is if you get four or three vouchers You become sag that works in small cities Not in this jungle. Yeah, if you go to Chicago, you'll be sagging a year and a half Because there's not a big market for it. Right. I go pd the other one the other one the other one You're gonna be on every fucking shoot Yeah, it's tough man. It's like you see like in this town I feel like everyone has a sense of urgency and it's different

The motivation is different. I mean you can see motherfuckers who just have a weird motivation like It has to happen now Everybody who comes here has to happen now. We all owe money. We all owe child support We all have debt. We all have everything. I learned the hard way I came here and made a little money in the beginning not much But I survived and then I got a big time commercial and that really paid But three quarters of it went up my nose and I smoked half of it. So it didn't really count I paid a couple of my bills off, but I didn't give no that money up

That was the first time I had money in 15 fucking years. Wow. Yeah, that was the first time I had money and That commercial yeah 89 now, isn't it nice when you get those checks in the mail? You're like, oh man You start falling in love with that mailbox. You're like Jesus Christ. I hope you got a little something something for me Listen, I was a sudden bar to minari at the time. Mm-hmm. They were my first representation for commercials They signed me in january of 97 And May of 97 I think I booked something and then I got scrapped. So I was on the board with them right away

Once you got on the board with an agency like that at the time. They were huge In fact, my agent from there is still in business at bba. Wow, michael dell was an assistant To neil and this chick. She got out of the business. I would go to my agency smoke a cigarette with a pick up a check and leave They were on the sanaga. They're still in the sanaga across the mall SPV. Yeah, yeah, they're over there in the woosh right in front of the museum. Oh, okay They were huge They used to have a christmas party every year. Yeah, I went to realize here for the first time. Oh, they still have it

Yeah, they cut it out for a few years. Oh, wow They cut it out things were rough And they cut it out, but they used to have a when when so I think it was venari I think he died but venari lived on gardener up the corner from us. Okay, so I'd see him at the 7 11 I became friends. I'm even being so broke and calling them up and then going listen, man I got three more payments on a commercial. I can't make it till next week. Can I get a grand for me? He goes, why not go for 15? Nice, you got it and I went down. He gave me 1500 advanced. Yeah, he was always really good to me

but Like I got on the board with them For the july week, I shot the first Taco Bell commercial with the dog That's great. It was like a million dollars. It was like I didn't get a million dollars But it was like it was a fortune. It was a 15 dollar a night comic. Yeah getting 60 dollars a week 75 dollars a week 100 if I hosted on sunday night So I was getting 400 a month just from the comedy store. Willi Barton and the boys They throw me an extra two you picked up an extra four gigs about a hundred bucks

And that was it. Yeah, and the last factory 25 bucks a set And the improv 15 bucks a set and that was it brother I would pick up a couple of Rogan shows and then, you know, you evolve you started 400 a month by When I first started the first year I was making 200 a month because I booked a mc gig That was $50 a week Wow, so right from the book right from the jump. I had money doing 200 miles a month It's not money, but it covered it's a lot in a comedy coke and five cocktails. You know saying five pictures of sangria

What made you get into comedy? I just had a love for it, man. How old are you when you first were exposed to it? Oh when I was exposed to it So I didn't have a command of the english language until I was in fifth grade. So where'd you move from? I was born and raised in Long Beach, but I grew up with my dad. Uh, my dad's a landscaper. My mom, uh, Was was a nanny Say spoke Spanish Spanish only there from Mexico. Yeah, I mean And um, so I didn't have full command of the language till fifth grade, but until then I was um

Inspired by like cesperito You know can't even fly. Yeah, india maria You know all these I grew up on can't even fly can't can't even fly was great And my mom used to whoop my ass for sagging my pants. It's like why are you sagging your pants? It's like I want to be like can't even fly so it's like my mom thought I don't want to be like a rapper It's like now I want to be like on theme plus because he would sag he was a street sweeper Lee he was a street sweeper that swept by like with the broom Poor mexican dude and uh, he wore these like sagging pants a vest. Yeah, it was great. No, I like I can't even understand what they're saying

but uh Paula's mom Has telemundo on all day every day. Yeah costo serato. I've seen I like I can understand that show a little bit, but like Mexican comedy is a very different from like America even like the the like the sitcoms have like Bright colors that like it looks very 90s. Does that like influence you at all since you was totally I mean, I mean that's what I got an influence to first and then as as time went along I saw like George Lopez and Paul Rodriguez. I'm like, oh, this is awesome Then time went by and it's like, you know, I saw

Louis Anderson life with Louis, you know the cartoon and then how Mandel had life with Louis So I started diving into what stand-ups were and then with time. I just started picking up CDs and Um, man, so by the time I get out of high school. I'm I'm I'm I want to do it. I don't know how to do it, you know And then I went up on my first open mic when I was in college When I was 20 years old. I bombed my ass off, man I bombed so hard Dropped the mic. What'd you expect? Yeah, no. Yeah, it was great. Yeah, nobody could judge that shit

But I bombed so hard that I didn't get up on stage for a full year So at 21 I get back on stage. I bombed harder than the first time And that's even at all possible. I'm talking epic bomb. Like it was awful And then I'm like, you know what? I'll probably just stay in college and do that, you know And uh, so I I did that and then uh at 23 I I graduated college and I said, you know what? The degrees for my parents. This is your dream. You know, here you go. What'd you get a degree in? Business administration marketing. Jesus. Jesus. Good for you. Yeah, uh, Cal State Dominguez here Cal State Dominguez Hills. I'm a little high

Yeah, Cal State Dominguez Hills and um Yeah, as soon as as soon as that happened, I started working out the store And um, what'd your parents say? Like you got a job business administration degree Me. Well, what are you doing? They're still upset, bro Uncle joy when I tell you That my dad still brings up the job I had at Robinson's May that I wore a tie to work every day He's like, why are you parking cars? He's like, you want to be a clown? He's like, you went to college. He's like, you're doing something that my blood

I never thought I'd see my bloodline never thought and it's like and now you're throwing that away to park cars He's like, are you kidding me? He's like, why don't you go back to Robinson's May? I was like, I was selling kids clothes, dad like This I'm I'm going for a bigger dream. You know what I mean? Which is funny because you know, my dad got like cancer last year and it was like Shit hit the fan. You know, I mean and I took over my dad's business. I was out there like moan lawns Look at my farmer standing out there moan lawns like

and um When my dad came back from surgery, he went to Mexico to get that surgery when he came back I was moan lawns and my dad came out with me And it was one of those moments where it's like an all this loss moment. I'm like, man, this is fucked up Like I'm getting a little traction and stand up, but I got to take a step back Got a moan lawns. This sucks. You know Like I went to college got educated for all of my dreams now moan lawns. I'm living the American dream backwards, bro And uh, I told my dad I'm like this couldn't have been in your dream being a landscaper couldn't

Couldn't have been the dream. What was your dream? And he told me he said, uh I never had a chance to dream. I had three jobs my whole life. He said you got to sleep to have a dream That's why I sacrifice so you can sleep in and have a dream and I just said zip kept pushing that lawnmower man real shit Fucking crazy what you learned from those old timers And why they did it why they did it man? You know

That's what I'm saying. Everyone has a different uh sense of urgency and motivation. I mean mine is my my old parents You know It's like when I have to leave my spot at you know, 130 in the morning or whatever it is I leave there Go home. Give my mom insulin Wake up early. Give her insulin go moan lawn or two write a joke or two Get ready shower up So you're doing real stand-up right now. How long have you been doing stand-up? I just had my tenure marketing

Okay, yes, you're doing real stand-up right now real stand-up is uh When you're going through something yeah working it out with stand-up And people have no idea that when you get in your car you start crying all over again People have no idea. There was a time when The toughest time in the world for me was dropping off that poor little girl in boulder at seven o'clock on wednesday So I figured out that the only way I could do it because I would drop her off crying the car for 10 minutes And then drive home and I can't tell you what would go through my mind Yeah, and then after by 10 o'clock whether I had the money or not I go get cocaine

And two bottles of fat tire and I just sit there and wallow in that anger Down that whole thing and then finally I figured out by the grace of god That instead of doing that to myself. I'm gonna force myself to do comedy and it was The worst room of all time It was two rooms They had on sundays and wednesdays and it followed a line dancing class beautiful. This is from billy ray cybers was huge So everybody wanted to do the achy breaky heart. It was sundays and wednesdays. It was an indie paid room

Yeah, and then from there you went to a place called club 56 where I hit a kid in the head with a microphone With with the budget of batteries in them. Oh nice. So they're extra heavy. It was in commerce city, colorado Or commerce colorado. Oh, but then in there In the middle of commerce because this was like a steakhouse On the front of commerce, but in the middle of deep in there. Yeah, there was another place that did comedy that it was just you know When you go to your dad or your mom and you tell me you want to do comedy And then or your friends and they call you a fucking asshole

Yeah, and you're like i'm telling you man. I could do this. I met fucking joe rogan the other day And he told me I could do it and all this shit Fuck you guys and one night you actually go to this gig. Yeah, and while you're sitting there waiting to go up You actually think Of a suicide that would be painful like this suicide that you slit your wrist and take pills You're not gonna cut no corner there You're thinking the suicide, but you're thinking of lighting yourself on fire It's that type of shit. You want to get the full experience. Oh my god. This guy was an eldest impersonator

From vegas and after 20 years, he said fuck it. He opened up a little truck stand In denver colorado, and he served pizza and italian food So he was the cook the host And then he'd get up on stage and do a whole eldest show and i gotta tell you something he was god awful Wait, are you saying he was his own host? He was everything So when you came into the restaurant, he go, hi i'm elvis He'd sit you down. He take your order. He'd go in the back Heat it up for you. He was a one-man operation dirty hands

You know fucking fat Old the the black wig would slip. I don't see the white hair But he had a heart of gold the guy had a heart of gold But as bad as an elvis impersonator as he was he put 50 bucks out of his pocket Every wednesday and friday for two comedians, and i was always the one guy he called That's great And 25 bucks, but while you waited to go up Yeah at one point you ever see coaches when they're losing they drop their heads in their hands

That's what would happen to you your head were going your hands right people have no idea what that feeling is When you actually dip your head down and go I think my friends are right. I am a fucking loser. Yeah, man. This isn't gonna work I'm here in commerce. Oh, whatever the fuck at 11 15 at night following fucking fat Elvis And there's eight people that just ate horrible food that are burping Nobody even got dessert everybody's asking for alcohol cells because they got asked some digestion From the tomato paste And now you go up, but here's the beauty in your deepest

Deepest darkest moment while you're late sitting there thinking this bad thought Your name gets called. Yeah And you shake the guy's hand in front of you And you squeeze it hard from the anger like you break his fingers And then you go on stage and for the first 10 seconds, you don't want to be there But now you're there. Mm-hmm and you just go off and they laugh And you get off that stage and if somebody came and offered you heroin and 100 bucks, you wouldn't take it

Because it would take away the feeling you're going through right now. Wow. Yeah, that's what people don't get Especially at the early stages when you're just about to give in to your fucking friends Or your parents or your girlfriend When you're just about to give in something like that happens and you're like, I'm good for 30 more days. Fuck these motherfuckers Yeah, I'm up to something. Was there one set that you guys remember the ones like that went that well for you Jesus man You know what? Yeah Yeah, I remember I was uh, I was out at a landscaper with my dad

And um, it was just bad like we had to take out this tree So we changed all the the tree and we had to take it out and I'm out there taking the roots out of hands and knees Dirty and dirty ring around the neck the whole thing, you know And the lady comes out and she's eating an ice cream and she's kind of um, you know telling me, uh Hey, uh, you know, can you also take this stuff out and then she's eating the ice cream? She gets a lollipop A stick puts it in the wrapper and then just throws it at me, right? He's like, can you put it with the other trash? And I was like, mother fuck So I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, no worries

So we do the job And um, I'm running late. I go home. I shower um I go to the store I do my set Feel good about it. I'm I'm finally like I'm I'm home. This is what I work hard for all fucking day and then um I'm about to bring on the next comic and they give me a piece of paper

And I'm like, oh shit. I'm like, ladies and gentlemen Next comic needs no introduction bill bear And people go nuts and in my head. I'm like, no one would fucking believe me what I went through today The range of fucking emotions that I had Fucking got treated like a fucking second class citizen Got to do stand-up follow my dream Got some laughs and got to bring up bill bear And one fucking night and now I'm driving home smile here to here

It's one minute to another the emotions would stand up comedy Yeah, man And it's like every time and I gotta tell you something about stand-up comedy. It makes you believe in religion It does it really makes you believe in religion. I was telling that to Ian Edwards I'm like when you do stand up and the opportunities that come about the people you meet Uh, just a coronary is like you're insane not to believe in something Whatever it is in something you have to believe in something to believe that one person creates all this stuff Like you're creating your own opportunities. No, it's it's crazy. It's crazy once you see it happening and then it becomes like

By 1999 how is addicted? Like by 1999 I could tell you people Honestly that all I wanted to do was snorkeling through comedy Like a lookie in the eye and tell you that was what I lived for After my set there was nothing I wanted to do more than cocaine But throughout the day my dick would get hard thinking about my 1245 spot following Paul Mooney when he would do 45. That's great. Which meant I went up at 130 You know and I'd have to hold off like I would not do coke until 130

I would be in my pocket burning a fucking hole at the store I wouldn't even have a drink. I'd be sitting by the stairs going through emotions and changes and my bones would hurt But then I would go up there. It was so weird. I got a hook to understand up comedy You know, I'm outlining this book and I was thinking about that chapter You know getting here and then dealing I moved here with a bad girlfriend, you know, like it was just a bad situation And even though I was making strides at comedy this chick was bringing me down at the fucking house where you cannot be brought down You know what I'm saying? You're a comic. Your house has to be clean Yeah, everything could be dirty on the outside, but your house has to be clean in the inside

You could go out and go to a Mexican bar and get your dick sucked with George Perez and do bloke late in the morning But when you go home, there's got to be no drama. Nobody could say to you where were you your house has to be clean This chick made my house dirty. And then when we broke up, I was living on the streets I was living in Ralphie May's floor or in my car You know, so it was just uh But you asked a good question before you ready for this guys. What's that? All right, so I start comedy in july of 91 part-time cocaine

Values I win a contest I get I get okay. Hey zoos. I got about seven minutes And then I moved to new york and while I was in new york, I worked a little bit nothing serious nothing to be proud of But I figured out What needed to be done Sometimes like your dad's job and he gave you the books you get an idea you did it with him as a young kid But one day you figure out how you're going to do it

What needs To be done for you to do this business where five days a week make a living pay your employees Yeah, and the same thing happens with comedy One day it hits you like a punch in the fucking face Yeah, and now the next decision is if you want to take it to that next level Right, they put it on you You know when it's time when you're an open miker Like I was an open miker ready to get 15 minutes paid

Like that's it. I paid these dudes. I've done all these bars. I'm going back to denver. I got back to denver october I Of 93 And that was it. I got a notebook And I wrote every sat down and my goal was 20 spots a month. I would do 16 18 19 this went on for about seven months I got up to about 20 minutes nice. All right jimmy a beta

Dear friend of mine comic in denver, you know, if you're ever in demo look at jimmy a beta He'll put you on some fucking show. Oh, no man like that. Oh, yeah in those days it was andy payton the comedy works and jimmy a beta They're my bread and butter whenever the page will go off from jimmy a beta. That was a gig somewhere for 50 a burrito There was always something coming to you from jimmy a beta. God bless his soul And I fucking went to one of jimmy's rooms in our vata, which was a dump

But 40 people on a tuesday night I'm supposed to feature but the headline of the show Something something weird happened. Okay, so I get on stage I thought something weird happened. I get on stage and i'm up there doing my thing My 20s done, bro. You don't say no when you're 20s done. Oh man when you get into that last joke You're like, oh, yeah, you might have even forgot a joke And I don't see no light He's gonna give me a lot of 15

I could kill 15. Yeah 19 tight is 15. Shit Let's do this shit. Do this shit. So I go up there with timing for 15 No, I go up there with timing for 19 And i'm gonna speed up the last three lines, which were garbage I'm not gonna sit here and tell you there was nothing fucking coming up with that And I get to the three lines and there's no jimmy a beta And uh, I do another whatever I might have borrowed a few jokes Like whatever, I don't I don't fucking know and then I just improvise

Yeah, which I was very good at Because when I started it was the same customers every week After six weeks, I figured out I can't write five minutes a week. I just started Yeah, so I started improvising and I was pretty good at that. He's improvising different from crowd work. Same thing. Same thing. Okay Same thing And it's garbage You know, you get away with it for a year or two and you get good at it. Yeah But then comics will start complaining about you

Talk, I went up there and people are yelling up at me. You gotta knock it off That because you open the floodgates when you start open the crowd work. Yeah, people think it's okay to talk and that's like awful That's fucking taboo. So What I got before I got down here somebody pulled me aside and Seattle's a dog lighting up on the fucking crowd work Don't even go there no more. It was tough It was a tough habit to break because I would just go there no material go there I could be 24 hours and no material goof on you. Yeah And when I moved down here, that shit ended

Because as soon as people see that in the industry, you're done. You're done. You're done because then it says hey He can't write a joke. You can't this can I even know you're probably sitting there were some people and I'll tell you what it works It works. Here's the difference You go 50 50 When it works, it works. Mm-hmm. But when it does it, it's a nightmare. But people pay 25 bucks Right. Yeah, they didn't pay 25 bucks to see you fucking talk that shit It's great for 20 minutes, you know, yeah after 20 minutes. You're like, okay I'm sick of this shit already. Right because there's really nothing there

And I don't mean to offend anybody who does that shit. I know a lot of people will fucking dynamite at it Yeah, no dynamite at it, you know, I don't know for me It's it's a little bit anxiety producing as an audience member because you don't want to be picked on next Right. Yeah, people always worry about that. But I mean, there's a place at least for me I'll I'll say what I I like to throw in crowd work when it comes down to like the check drop spot You know, I mean people aren't paying attention so I can't give them material with a narrative So I do a little crowd work and then close out with you know material something strong. Yeah to wake them up It's funny. So I go up on the stage and I'm waiting for this light. Yeah, and I'm waiting for this light

And I'm up there and I gotta be honest. Yeah, he's a straight up At that time, I never really killed well, guess what? I'm killing that night Yes, I'm killing and I'm going And I'm going I don't see no light and I'm panicking deep down inside of about to piss my pants and shit my pants at the same time But I'm actually keeping it together And somewhere in that night I see a light. I'm like, okay. Good night. Thank you

And I get off the stage Jimmy runs up. He gets so he brings somebody up. He gets off and I go, Jimmy What happened? He goes, bro, I'm sorry I went out in the car with some broad and got ugly He goes, but the good news is bro, you did 43 minutes. I heard you killed Yeah, I go 43 minutes And in those days, there was a newspaper called just for laughs, which I talked about a thousand times on this podcast The last three pages were all the comedy clubs in the country

And I fucking circled all that I'd say I'm calling all of them tomorrow Then I opened the Judy Carter workbook and I went through all the agencies and I listed the ones I was gonna call the next day And I actually went because I didn't have a phone. Yeah, I would have to go to the gas station He's a phone card. That's great. And I went to the gas station got a phone card at the three calls Like I was calling like I see him. Hi Hi, this is Jennifer. Good morning. We're calling. Nice to see you. Jennifer. Who's your top agent? And they're like, who's this? Who's this? This is Joey Diaz. I did 43 minutes Casey's comedy. No, no, Casey's barring grill last night in Nevada. That's who this is

43 minutes of gold. Who do you suggest me to? It's that's how bad you get like after you get that boost You go, that's the first boost you get before you get now you walk into a club dick in your fucking Johnny Rickles And you go up on stage and you get the biggest dick in the fucking world Then you go back to ground zero and now you're back now you understand how ego does not work in comedy It doesn't man. Yeah, you got to dissolve ego as quick as possible

Dissolve it once you dissolve your ego and you don't give a fuck if you bomb and you talk about it freely Yeah, and people could goof on your body and you actually go. Jesus. Thank you. I thought I was the only one that ain't a bag of dicks That's where It becomes real It becomes real. Listen. Nobody wants to bomb if there's something to throw in your face No way at your comedy goomba To pull you aside and go whoo. That was a rough showing. I know let's get the fuck out of here. I didn't want the money Yeah, I didn't want the 25 bucks. Let's get out of here. They might hear this with a glass

Oh, no, come on. Let me get the money. We need those bombs suck where you're like, I don't even want the money. Keep it Bro, I'm out here. I'll take the money dog. You did good. It was the audience Don't worry about the dude didn't have the speakers plugged up hilarious and you're driving back in your car From this fucking bar gig and your ego And that's when it all weighs on you that maybe your friends are right your family And actually two days before that you wanted the paper and look when there's a paint store that needs help that you get that job and shit And one of those bombs makes you think about that paint store and you actually wake up the next day

Drive to the paint store and on the drive to the paint store you're paging yourself Hey, man, where are you? Over here. Why? We need you up in Cheyenne, Wyoming till that by eight o'clock yell even one hour before traffic halfway there, bro Pays 150 dollars. Can you make it 150 dollars? I'll take a helicopter And then you go like this to the paint store. Fuck you and you pull away. That's what happens You catch those type of religious breaks. I was telling somebody tell you let me tell you something For four years as a comic you live this certain life

There's a four-year span that I live with Lee And leaves my brother so Leo's listen. I'm taking the big bedroom I pay a thousand bucks give me 400 a month get some groceries from time to time and help me with the utilities and clean the place I'm in Lee Leaves my buddy I could bust leaves balls all I want. I've been on the first. I want to give him this 400 dollars. Yeah as a comic On the 25th

You don't have four dimes to rub together You're like you actually have and I'm gonna have to go to fucking Lee Who wouldn't care but I love him? And he let me this bedroom and I gotta give him this four yards That's all that matters to me is Lee's four yards. I don't even have to get groceries this week. Leo covered me But let me give him those four yards. I'll tell him Lee get groceries and I'll give you 50 bucks next week after this gig Lee I can't tell you how many times I've gotten a call Under 26 at 9 30 at night to pay me a 400 dollar gig

For three shows at some bar and I've sat there and I've actually cried Like as you hang up the phone you actually cry. Yeah, because you go, you know what make jagger said it best You don't always get what you want, but you get what you need Yeah, as long as I keep putting this energy out there Yeah Now something starts to happen when Jesus calls me and go Joey. What's up dog? Joey, you know, I'm your dog. I need a big favor headline Long Beach for my campaign. I'll give you five drink tickets You go down there. You do two of those. Jesus. Let me do it. Boom. Boom. Joey. I got your next time

I'm just short the fucking dude wants to pay me 50 bucks. I'll give you $10 Jesus. I know what's going on in your life. Keep it Sometimes you do two or three of those Yeah, for people who really sincere don't call me Jesus Trejo And go Joey come on down here. Can't pay you and I get there There's 20 at the door and I see you smiling with a gold chain on. Yeah, don't do that to me Don't don't embarrass me because then I'll be angry with you But if you say to me, Lord, Joey, open up a spot Long Beach dog. It's a taco spot. They'll feed you

They got your picture on the wall already. They're fans, bro Hook me up with this at 7 30 on that whatever. I'll give you money for You know what, bro? I know where you're coming from, right? But don't call me and and I get down and you charge me 25 bucks And you're paying fucking don't make me say names. You know what I'm saying? Like you ever get to a gig and they're paying somebody shitty. Yeah, you're shitty, but then he's really shitty But he's getting 30 bucks. Yeah Like there's all these things as a young comic

That drive you crazy and it tests your will. Yeah It tests you gotta want to do this you got to want to do this And I see people coming out here. They come out here with this half a heart They want to play this game, but it's just a game for them. They're just sniffing around to see what door opens They're not putting it to proper work. They're spinning their wheels and eventually you spin your wheels for so long It's over for you I've seen it a thousand Times yeah a thousand times even through all that cocaine and all that shit. I wasn't spending my wheels

My goal was to make a move every 90 days What did I consider a move in those days? It's not what you should it's not many people you shoot it's what you shoot A Thursday night set at the store In your back in your mind you go listen. I got a spot Tuesday Wednesday But I'm the key in on Thursday night set. That's my showcase in my mind. That's where one of brothers is there That's from Pink Floyd's in the room. Everybody's like yourself off of that one Yeah, and those were my goals If I killed on a Thursday my weekly goal got hit and then my other goal was to book a theatrical job or commercial

To make it a stride every 90 days. It was a stride. Don't worry about what the fucking pace stop with the fucking payment You know what I'm saying? You want something even if I come to you go dog. I go it's a sag promo You ever shoot a sag promo? No, but the what is it public service announcements. They same day. Yeah, same. Yeah, you get through a sag promo. You're like, oh, shit You're like, oh, shit The first sag promo I shot was with Sebastian Manas Calco. Oh nice for fucking uh politically incorrect 2000 for soprano week for mafia week. Okay when they showcase the Sopranos and then some crime bosses and shit

And me and Sebastian go down there the back of my mind dog when I had sudden bart of an army Okay, send me out for that I get down at book at the next day. I go down there The sudden bar just goes go down there and in those days when they give you the contracts it tells you your rate Right on the contract between me and you and Hayes's trail Uh-huh I sat there at night and I just dreamt of for some reason. I had the number 2100 In my head. I thought it was like a buyout. Yeah, I think I'd air it all week

ABC during the soap operas and all that shit. No, they're gonna run this promo During every show every 20 minutes. So tonight on ABC. It's mafia week and me and sabbatical walking and karate chop Whatever something there was some stupid sketch. We did They were gonna do that They were gonna do that Okay, so I figured fuck if it's we're shooting monday If we're shooting thursday and they're gonna air it months starting sun sunday They're gonna air it 10 times at night. How much is that if you get a commercial prime spot? Yeah, that's 2500 bucks

I totally if you get an a-spot commercial Yeah That's 2500 and up front and it starts at 650 550 450 250 150 goes back to 900 and every time they re-air it They're gonna negotiate. Yeah, you just it just goes crazy and you're getting checks in the mail and your head's about to explode You ready for the number on that fucking contract drum roll, please 350 dollars Oh, my heart sunk. I'm like a fucking promo with

Whatever from politically incorrect who's on HBO now, man, I'm like 350. I was sad. Why do I pay these people? Why do I pay these people fucking dead at dime 350 they robbing me? Yeah, if I shot a commercial for politically incorrect And it ran hay sides and they paid me legitimately You walk out of there with a ton of loot sacks paying you 350 per promo. That's why probably right per promo And that includes the shoot day Wow, no residual And you got to pay taxes on that. Yeah at a commission 35 bucks

Yeah So at the end of the day you get 350 you're getting 290 275. Yeah, so you're getting 230 to be on abc During prime time and everyone's gonna call you like I saw you that can I borrow 800? All right, I don't have it. I don't have it but you're making strides. You went to Montreal Yeah, tomorrow night. You're gonna be on fucking the dude that can make a show. Yeah, James Corden. Hopefully you do some karaoke on Yeah, well, yeah, I'm off for whatever man. I heard to the grapevine. He's like Harvey Weinstein's nephew He might touch a little cooler. Oh, hey, but you're in the sketch and you know, I might just have the 350 No, uh, the longevity on that take the bullet let him grab your little mexican ass. Who gives a fuck, you know

Your cousins did worse Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hilarious Hays was try you've been hustling I've been hustling, baby I see it and that's what I'm saying tonight when I talk to you When I spoke to you this morning, we were sitting around and a friend of mine was on a call in tonight And i'm sitting and i'm going wait a second

This fucking hazel's trail kid I hear is a name every other week. Hmm, which is big for a guy like me because i'm no i'm in no circle I'm in no circle so when I hear your name and then I see you you're always a gentleman you're always polite I knew for a while your family was going through something they were supposed to do a benefit or something I said I'd be involved but I was out of town so you've always been a gentleman and you're not walking around with your nose open I know why that's your Mexican pride yeah your Mexican pride we never allowed you to walk around well a certain Mexican pride will not allow you to walk around with your nose open you rather get thrown over

that fucking wall and sell lollipops in the border and bow down because I'm a fan of hustle man that's just the way your people are that tree that you're from I can see your father came over here and got a fucking lawnmower and he did the best he could he fucking kept the house alive with a lawnmower yeah every time you see a lawnmower bow throw a penny at it out of respect for the Jews yeah man thank god that one Jew invented a lawnmower every time I see a gardener with his son out in the capital can you imagine what your dad did that's what most people don't he's a G man that's what most people don't understand that cry every fucking day you come here from another country you get mocked at times while you're out there with the lawnmower yeah today's world when all you

hear is about all this bullshit you don't hear about the truth you don't hear about the lady who puts a stick in a thing and throws the lollipop at you yeah yeah just to just make you feel worse than what you already feel like but again your pride is the one that makes you carry that lawnmower with that you know just to it's so weird when people do something like that see I don't have hey it people don't look I have this like I talked to Steve Simone often and and we have this thing where it's like look it doesn't come when you call but it's always on time and people genuinely mean well there's good in everybody just people sometimes don't know any better and you can't get mad at them sometimes their actions are different than what's really in here or they're

projecting something that look everybody got shit on their plate people carrying a different weighted cross we don't know the weight of it some people who you think is an ass so probably carrying a heavier weight than the one I'm carrying I mean and I don't know that it's not for me to know all I know is that I'm focused on the prize yeah I mean that's all it is it's so weird I'm thinking I'm looking at you and I see you in that hallway at night at the store and I see you walk by and you always shake my hand and see how you are towards people and you know at the 10-year mark of college especially when I was at the store I was just buying time Jesus I ain't gonna lie to I was just buying time I had no idea that I was gonna be in a podcast for a week yeah

going to Indianapolis selling out three shows yeah that was not even on my agenda I can't I was just looking to survive if I could have an apartment store coke and do spots at the comedy store that's as good as it was gonna get for me yeah somewhere along the line I'd do a line of coke too much and he was a good comic he was a regular great bye get the fuck out of here next when the next fat coke fiend coming down the pipe details at 11 you know stay tuned Balushi the other fat dude from fucking sat in there live died you just know the fat fuck that died from coke that's why I was happy I got off the coke yeah because fucking you're gonna die anyway but I'm gonna have Lee find me here yeah my wife's gonna call Lee and say he

never came home last night come here and I'm on the floor I came here the label we're all dying we don't want to expedite yeah we don't want to expedite a fucking die from that stupid oh no you said something interesting earlier Jesus you said both your parents speak Spanish like that's all they speak well they speak a little bit of English my dad speaks more English because of work you know construction that kind of thing but but yeah because like I grew up on my whole life hearing from various people like oh wow like why don't people learn English like it's they because they're too busy working people and like yeah and like some people like even and I get it in some situations but like they would view it as disrespect to speak a different language and to me I never I never

saw it that way but seeing like in those areas in LA America where you just don't need English right right is you don't need you don't need English because all the signs are in Spanish in downtown LA so you know certain parts of you like uh uh the grocery store is named L super and super it's so it's just uh what like what are your guys opinions that you guys obviously speak English perfectly but do you think it's a disrespect thing I know your mom was pretty strict with you Joey but I don't like to me I don't see it cohesive um like a disrespect to speak Spanish or yeah I mean I mean did you see it did people I'm not learning English right did you feel it was disrespectful I mean your dad was forced into learning the language because that's business

yeah you can't keep walking around saying single parcels right yeah he knows work English and stuff like that I mean obviously if if I was gonna have it like you know I went to school it's English I think what Jesus said that he said from a second language home well he said I didn't have command of the language until fifth grade because I grew up in an environment that only spoke Spanish right and once I started going to school like elementary school you start getting introduced to it but I fully got the command of it come fifth grade you see what I'm saying right it was like you never failed none of the classes before I was in slow classes I tested really slow I tested really bad so I was in slow classes you know special ed class because it's

like oh you test you test horribly because you can't speak the language I can't speak the language sure that's what it's like the kids in my school also yeah these guys were geniuses but they were good with math right and something else but two things they English they fail yeah so they keep them there that was fucked up well I listen it's not where you start is where you and baby that's right man roll it's that is shit from fucking college shake them up boom it's Mexican your family first generation first generation that passed the fucking eighth grade never mind fucking college yeah I mean so no no no you have a lot to be proud of yeah I'm I'm excited there's a lot to be proud of thank you man that means a lot man and look when I called you today I didn't know you were going to

be on the show I mean it's a lot man this is all fucking this is what happens you called me to extend something and that goodness you bought out turn around I did not even know you're going to be on I didn't even know James Coltrane put comedians on yeah he's put a handful of people on it so I'm you know I'm excited to be Cedric on it and Hussein Bolt are going to be the guests and your boys on it I was supposed to do it last month and I got bumped Stephen Colbert was coming on with which is fine but look it was a blessing in disguise man because you know I've been running this five-minute set and there was a line on my opening line in my head it clicked and it was funny but I just kept running it on the open mics man I just kept running it running it just three or four

mics a day just running it and my homie DeMar Randy I was hitting you know spots with him and he gave me a tag and it just turned everything around and I'm like everything happens for a reason blessing in disguise had I done it then it would have been fine but now I'm it's clicking it's clicking money honey money honey I'll probably do a set tonight at the store late night to get the bomb out the way you know go in there just you know hungry for something yeah yeah so I'm excited man I was able to run the set and you know everything happens when it's supposed to you know they're so funny how after about a year you get the system in your head at the store and you even though you're not a top notch comic like you're watching guys like Bill Burr and Rogan Rogan you and Griffin and fucking Dice

and you're sitting in the back of the room like just having all these doubts as a man as a human being like man I might just get an ounce of coke and just end it tonight I'll never get this good but watching that every night being around that Mitzy Shore said that place is a college it is it's a four-year college the first year it's like your first year in jujitsu you're getting beat up no matter where they put you yeah no matter what part of the schedule they put in you you're getting beat up every once in a while you get some brilliance out of you you know that open mic I watched you fucking kill the room but it's a man you know there's a year year and a half in the store where you're fucking every time you go down there you might be stepping on the grenade

yep you never know what it's going to be fresh grenade fresh grenade you might kill the original room two times in a row I mean semi-standing ovation in the words of Carlos Mitzy I got a semi-standing ovation and then going the fucking you could go off your best set ever in the original room yeah walk into the main room the exact same set and not get one nothing not one laugh lead lead you know what that ride home feels like you start testing science comedy what did I do wrong you listen to the set right and that's why Mitzy said it was a comedy college you get to watch 10 comics and I see how they grow yeah so it teaches you how you're supposed to grow yeah he was brilliant when it came to that stuff yeah and it's like the little details of the place like I remember

seating people in the original room I was I will work the door see people and this is like 2011 yeah towards the end of 2011 how long were you a door man before you became a regular over two years like two years and and and a half good for you I got past September 7 2012 and and I remember the priority I had seating the room was when they brought up Argus that I needed to remember his intro it's like because when I get past I'm gonna do the first spot I that's part of being past you got to bring up Argus and have the you know his intro this next comic you see him on tonight show more times any comic he writes for over 150 newspapers and magazines give it up for Argus Hamilton and I and I remember when I got past I ran that fucking intro more than my set

bro I'm like I don't want to disrespect Argus I mean he's a OG there you know I mean I can't disrespect him no way I could bomb but I ain't disrespect him a man you know and I ran the set it was it was a okay set you know nothing special gave him the intro when I got off I'm like fuck I said the intro and that meant the world to me getting past it was like hanging out at that pizza joint in high school where you went and hooked up with that chick when you were 16 and when I say a pizza joint this is what's the word I'm looking for Lee fictional non-fictional location like Lee had what you had a pizza joint where you went in high school yeah but you could have a sandwich for shop a Chinese place but it becomes yeah when you first get to the store

people it's the weirdest description you're a you're a fish out of water you just moved here from some mum fuck down where you were the king of swing and you know some of the guys if you're that heavy you met three or four of the guys because we came through when you opened for us we dug you this anytime when LA look us up we're at the store or something but still you come out here and you're a fish out of water and you get that first apartment boy and you're sweating bullets on how you're going to pay rent and you get yourself a gig and I never wanted to work from a t-shirt the first time I walked in there and I heard the whole thing I go you know what I'd love to be a doorman here but not really I already went through this

in Denver where they see you not as who you are but what they saw you with the first time so when you call back for years your home there's a thousand comics they'll tell you man my home club don't book me yeah it's a mom mentality you're always being the baby in their eyes it's a fucking nightmare so when I went in there and she gave me pa pa pa pa pa I was very fortunate but Josh Wolf and we've laughed about this a thousand times he went in there three or two times and killed before she made him regular like she three minutes he did like a 10 minute and then she told him to come he she told him to come back with another 10 minutes he came back another side 10 minutes and she goes you did great he want to be a doorman and he cracked poor Josh Wolf

you could hear the bone to the spine going and Josh said fuck that I'm not going to be a doorman you know because then she'll never pass whatever yeah uh it was my first couple years there I couldn't wait to get back like when I went on the road I went from the airport to the store like I would go to the store on Monday night with luggage yes that's my favorite with a grandma blowing my luggage I take her right to the kitchen with the money I had in my pocket and started fucking drinking at the bar snort and blow on a Monday night you know it was just sensation yeah it was just a a weird thing and different girls were coming there and it was dark at that time it was dark there were a couple comics that were young that were really freaking that yeah you could tell

they were up to something I didn't know what till about like a year later when I said what's that dude and there was like you didn't hear he'll deed in the back that's one of the door guys that's when you come in and the door guys would be the door guys would get there at seven and start drinking in those days it was the weirdest thing because in those days it was a ship that just ran itself yeah there was no manager that was gonna come to you and tell you what to do yeah they were told hands off meant to sure told them hands off meanwhile she's losing thousands at the bar yeah because guys like me are getting a package and doing double jacks or double fucking southern comforts every three minutes and smoking 22 cigarettes you know yeah she had no idea so

she broke even in there yeah but who are we talking about all the companies yeah the commerce like I couldn't wait to get back there Lee I did not go home in those days but Monday night well and in those days I would fly back on Monday nights perfect perfectly like I would party Saturday night and sleep till 11 check out at 12 and fly out of whatever hotel I was at that three o'clock flight which got me to LAX at 9 30 and always be delayed till 10 30 perfect and then I took a cab to the comedy store for the small yardstick plus the tip and I go right inside on a Monday night to be maybe 60 people in the original room I'd get up real quick through 10 minutes and then go right back to the bar

and give the bartender a 20 and go to work get five packages for 100 from the doorman and we go to work in there and pray that a victim will come into your land because the main room was empty you could take them into the main room woman's bathroom in those days that was the cave of death if a girl agreed to go into a line of coke you had a she didn't give a fuck about the state of what nothing nothing wow where's tony benicox look you're slipping you see what I'm saying Monday I know what it is the 23rd 22nd doesn't even matter anymore hey I want to be around that's it to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart

some somebody twice as smart as I I for somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company wait and see I mean I want to be around to see how he does it when he breaks your heart two bits let's see if the buzzer let me give some shout outs real quick Amanda W

Dr. Dye Nicole Tucker thank you for coming for the Kentucky shows you people good fucking people had a good time in Kentucky Josh Cowden Nick Alvarado Andrew Nandiel my little fucking buddy up in nyack new york's Lincoln dick bubba hodge boys my fucking savages smoking reefer in the morning with me on periscope Sir Alex Ferguson and River C-137 I love your cocksuckers I gotta tell you guys about something real quick tremendous like you said Hazel's you don't know where your days will end up all you could do is give it a hundred percent I got up this morning I had a conference call I had to send some guys some fucking emails I went to jujitsu and I had a meeting with these fucking dudes

and then from there I went home and I went home about 434 35 I have to pick the baby up at 530 so I usually work on the computer till five and then at five I watched the news with ice on my knees because I can go for 20 25 minutes and then I go pick up the baby so I get home and I get on Facebook I get on a bunch of shit I'm going through stuff sending emails and something when I went to Facebook and I click I clicked on messages but it hit the other one by mistake and it said you have four messages and I clicked on that link and I went to it and I saw this fucking name and it said something and I don't know what caught me the open there was a bunch of fucking things it was like messenger which you don't tap into for some reason it just lurks on your Facebook

so it said I had like I don't know how many messages I tap into it and I see this fucking Trevor you know and I go Jesus Christ Trevor wheeler and it rang something in my head and I clicked on the link and I scroll and it's a picture of me as a young savage what playing with this kid doing karate with this kid he's got to be two maybe three and the story goes when I first first first got into the car this is the first fucking day I mean this slick cool motherfucker that only a person like myself can make God put these people in my life for some reason my next book after this one were the angels in my life I got about 15 like I said I have not heard from this guy but mine and his relationship started

six months before I committed to crime six months April of 87 when I met Jim Wheeler at a Subaru dealer called Bill Crass that was known for being thieves and he was the underboss of the den of thieves he was it was a den of thieves dog there was 11 car salesmen and we were fucking selling tons of cars on that corner one guy into the bean a bank robber that would rob rob banks at lunchtime from the car dealership so he'd go for lunch and rob a bank and then come back on that one later one guy normal let went to prison for something else we had him with ankle bracelets and shit the one guy Brian ended up becoming a service guy the one guy Wayne was another big part of my life but he came later at Bill Cratch his son worked there with him

that he was a young kid of quit high school you had all these killer car salesmen and how I got to the car business was that that store and yeah the guy's name was Peter Pinto hired me and he was kind of giving me the ropes but the guy who came up to me the first time and asked me if I wanted to smoke a number or fucking let me teach I do something with this Jim Wheeler dude and I fell in love with him instantly I was a kid bro I was maybe 25 years old he was maybe 37 good looking dude short and then we started doing karate in the back he was a big Bruce Lee fucking dude he was a big Bruce Lee dude he had a book signed by Bruce Lee the town of Jeet Kune Do so me and him became tighter and tighter and tighter right so I'm good at this car dealership

I'm a young pimp I'm snorting coke I got a girlfriend I went from making 800 a month to making seven thousand a month selling cars wearing a suit going to fucking not cocos but the other one the red robin I go to red robin and drink the fucking 450 margaritas top shelf oh I was Johnny goomba hell yeah I never cooked again cook cook is for fucking maggots I was drawn I was burning through that money they would give me like a two thousand dollar advance on the fifth to pay my bills and then they would wash me on the 20th so I would pick up like two G's on the fucking fifth and then you'd pick up like another three thousand on the 20th which dog was the fucking a lot for a kid like me at that age are you fucking kidding me three

thousand I was getting breakfast every day at Taco at uh Taco Bell no the other one Del Taco no burrito supreme no that's Taco Bell what's the other one jack in the box jack in the box there was a jack in the box up the corner from the car dealership and I used to go in there every day like Johnny bananas and I get the fish and shrimp salad that's how I first learned that that was fucking communist fish oh when I would go home at night and fucking my god and the salad and the fucking thing was garbage and then I would eat that and two of those greasy dolla top in those days they gave you two huge jack in the box will give you two killer tacos now they're all salad looking oh that was delicious that fucking that fucking baboon meat would sit in your stomach for a week

you have these farts you have to pull over and leave your coat door doors open open the trunk it was like you ran over somebody that's how bad your fucking ass would smell I must have gained 30 pounds but anyway back to Jim so I'm rocking and rolling I'm snort below I got this girlfriend who ended up becoming my wife and one day Jim wheelers they used car manager and I said Jim you know what man they're taking away my fucking demo this is bullshit he goes I got a car for you Jim was a brilliant salad he really was bro he taught me a lot in the beginning he was solid so fucking I bought a car pull out the arm you know what I'm saying just put it on the arm take it on my check all right how much for the car 450 all right no worries

come check there they took a thousand dollars out for the car how did it go from a 450 to a thousand dollars they're like wow they talked on 250 to dnh and 100 for the car wash and I'm like all right but it's still 1500 whatever and I got into an argument with him now that the general manager owner of that place on paper if you looked at him he was just a little twerk but between you and I later on I came to find out he was a gangster and he was a gangster so he was in the back of the satellite a lot is packed this is what Joey Diaz was in 1987 before I kidnapped kids Carlos Valverde's there this guy on his there was a big bar uh what do you call those dude surfer that would come here in the winter and then there in the summer and sell cars

these were all big guys I went into Peter Pinto and I yelled at him with a foot why did you take this I trusted Jim Wheeler was my goomba Jim Wheeler was not going to fuck me over so while this is going on Jim Wheeler is in accounting trying to figure out why they took so much money out for this car so this is how high I was I went at Peter Pinto he said he wouldn't give me back the money till Monday or Tuesday and then Wheeler came and he goes Joe relax I'll have the money for you on Monday or Tuesday I want the fucking check today it's like Joey they can't give you the fucking check that I don't give a fuck go get the yelling and tell him I want my fucking money and then Peter Pinto goes if we give you your money you can't work anymore and I looked at him

and I went into the service department there was a fucking sledgehammer one of those light ones and I jumped on one of the Subaru GL 10s and I said listen if I don't get my fucking money I'm going to start smashing windshields and 10 minutes later they came out with the cash Peter Pinto gave it to me out of his pocket they sent me home for the day to think about what I had done oh and I'll never forget it was Jim Wheeler who fucking took me down from the ledge I ended up quitting I was still friends with Wheeler I went back and that's where I got arrested for the kidnapping okay he deterred the cops from what I heard him and the guy I had a beef with deterred the cops they sent blazing bread hazing to my house to wake me up to let me know the cops

were en route I think it only stall them for so long he kept telling the cops listen they'll be in 15 minutes wait for him and the cops kept going no we want his address to send a car to his house and they kept making up lies no it's the wrong address we got they gave him like a wrong address and they figured it out from my license and then they shot the fuck over but those guys covered for me all right but here's where it gets deep I turned my cell phone my name was on the paper my name was on the paper a couple fucking times the job I had they sent me a note don't come back with a check for $250 there's an only one stepping to the building you know I heard they cut the article out and put it on the wall to really disgrace me and shit like I had a couple salesman

of the months and they took the article and put it next to the salesman of the month like really to break my balls because the the Chrysler guy and me were tight I was buying a ton of coke from the manager at the Chrysler side he was another one of my angels I loved that dude Arty Arty is a big Lee take a look at Lee if Lee was six for five and 200 pounds Jewish Arty Presley taught me to gift the salesmanship like I thought I was a salesman Subaru I wasn't shit till I got the Arty Presley and he broke it down from me like a soldier real step by step if you do these things like this you will sell this car nice once you step away from this you will fail and how no matter how much it hurts for me to do what he'd say I did it and my car number doubled

because from his words he would knock you into fucking into a weird percentage build that would make the fucking customer and till today I use a lot of his methods yeah till today to negotiate stuff and absolutely wow absolutely so it was weird so now I get locked up for a month everybody knows cops told my car they go through my house there's more articles in the paper now they put no articles in the paper that connected me to a kidnapping murder they connected me to two things a dude who jumped off his balcony when the cops had chased them and they weren't really cops they he jumped off the back of the people robbed them and he both broke both his legs some moron and there was a Cuban kid who was selling coke but he was getting like 80,000 dollars from

the government to go to school there because there was no Cuban kids he was milking them for pals and pals cousins and more pals and in those days in the late 80s if you were Spanish and a white campus you lived like a doctor you didn't have to play football like that they put you in the category with American Indians they give those people casinos at those colleges they give them like a little dorm listen don't tell nobody don't tell none of these pale faced motherfuckers this is for you people cover the spread but sorry about what happened put a couple of Mexicans in here give them a couple feathers nobody don't know nothing all right don't tell me your name is Jesus tell me your name is Donna Rubin from the fucking zone of tribe these are Cherokees from

fucking whatever they don't give a fuck just give them a cocktail they'll be happy you can tell them whatever the fuck you want hilarious give them a kamikaze so i do four weeks in county jail embarrassment people already telling my roommate at the time was tight with me he grew up with me in jersey george and he was telling me listen this guy i was working here this guy pulled over and said lose his number like coke dealers had told me to stop weed dealers said don't come on he's hotter than the fuck if he gets on i'm bad he's gonna have cops watching so i was getting messaged like i are you kidding me Jesus why don't you want to talk to me no more do i can't talk to you bye and people just hang up on me because by me getting out of jail either i was on

a rat right or ex on you yeah so now i had a fucking terrible ex on me i applied at two places for jobs they thought about it for a day came out they were like i even thought that i even went to places that would hide me in a fucking heartbeat any other time and they told me no and one day my phone rang and it was jim wheel and he goes amen i left crowds i'm looking for some good sales not at uh at uh at valley uh longmont super and oh my god so it's 1987 he gives me this job i'm so cracked from the kidnapping i can't sleep at night all i'm thinking about is the nine years they're gonna give me they wanted me to play bargain for nine years i gotta be kidnapping i'm like fucking nine years i couldn't sell a car i couldn't focus

yeah he got the company the company wanted me gone once they found out it was in the papers the company went there and said if he's not selling cars he's gonna go so we gave me a deal in Subaru basically you know gave it to me we bought a car for like 168 a beautiful Subaru hatchback two door which she got triple four when we got divorced she got triple for that fucking car the car was mint a little red fucking hatchback jesus christ i'm time flies so now i'm tight with wheel i'm tight with wheel a wheel of fucking bail me out when nobody would hire me or talk to me wheel of bail me out he got married that december he invited me to his wedding he had a little child in the car business when i say you Jesus what's the offer 250 a month

get let's bump him bump him up to 280 a bump means that you know your income goes up when the one kid was born trevor he would always refer to him as the bump my life got bumped now i gotta pay more fucking money to the wife so i gotta stay here all fucking day he was a great salesman brown we used to smoke weed together we used to play the guitar together and sin you played the guitar i'd sing we used to do karate demonstrations in the fucking car wait how old were you 30 25 26 now i go to prison i go back to fucking new york i'm doing comedy i come back who's the first guy called jim wheeler wheeler jim wheeler calls me backwards what's up my brother i go i'm looking for a gig he goes come on out it's a long man i got you a gig at winkler winkler used cars

winkler the old man people making ten thousand a month they're retards retards wow selling used cars pay here by the mexican people you think i'm kidding you you know you want the car you got no credit right you got no fucking credit right you play the angle and this car this car is worth a thousand dollars i'm gonna charge you 2500 plus the big you're gonna come here every friday at five o'clock and give me 160 dollars don't drive your car you know a family a spanish family will pay 160 a week to drive a decent car back and forth to work and depend on the family is it a maserati not really it's just a fucking car you ever see el chopo no yeah no his cousin uh what's his cousin name fucking uh not frederico sanchez fucking Pablo Escobar when Pablo after after they figured

out hey no idea they were cousins yeah whatever they're so cucked together they're cousins they're all fucking cousins uh after they figured that he had high level cars he put his people in these fucking weird cars these pieces of shit died darts and shit that's what you get when you're a spanish family right and you move to long month but you're making bank on these people and he would pay advance so if the car was if he owned the car for a thousand bucks and you sold it for 2500 he would give you like 60 a bonus it was amazing my first week dad made three great wow i started december 18th that date always fucks with me december 18th yeah i started december 18th i get the first check from him and then we're going into the second week and what do you know it's a christmas party

i go to the christmas party that day the lots open but they barbecue and they're serving food they're doing all this shit and i'm playing basketball i'm looking at the people playing bad at that time i was doing good shape my shoulders are good and i can play basketball that's why i grew up on doing and i'm looking at this guy and i'm like that's fucking dug from aspen to have a tainlessly yeah i don't know i'm i think so i don't shotgun dug from aspen shotgun dug so when i met him he was dug okay when i first went to boulder colorado to a boulder aspen colorado from uh february of 18 april of 83 to february of 84 there was a kid who was you know one of us young you know chick guy good looking guy and then they was dug he sold powder

he sold pills he worked at the hotel where we all hung out you know i hung out not in his click but in his click there was two clicks at the crashwood hotel in those days and i hung out with vince and his brother uh car hall and there was somebody else who lived in the bivicky and then they had their click brian shotgun dug brian was a fucking moron who later on i tolerated but every once in a while you wanted to smack him in the mouth for a stupid statement he was he was he was too old how does he go from just dug to shotgun dug okay very interesting question how did he get bumped how did he get bumped into shotgun okay so i leave till 84 this all goes down when i'm telling you right now uh is going down in 91 no this is going down in 93 this is how long

i know jim wheeler so i met wheeler in 87 and he always had my mother fucking back and then a dude by the name of wane means went to bill crowd suber and i went back to work for them and wane means was my mentor as a matter of fact let's be honest with each other you know he used to tell me the church what's happening now wane means wane means because wane means had a belief wane means you just said to me listen dog i don't give a fuck what you did yesterday i don't give a fuck what you did the day before i'm from the church of what's happening now and i'm from Missouri you got to show me motherfucker i'm from the show me state he was a white dude that was gorgeous with short hair and a beard before beard was cool he would have a long beard chuck norris like

yeah very tight but in the summer in the winter he would disappear he would he was a biker with the mongols or something like that and he would disappear and he laid his beard back and then you see him a week before april and there he was with his beard with the long hair he'd give you a hug with his leather on and the whole thing and then a week later you saw him with a six hundred dollars soon with hair looking like pat riley and the beard cut short with blue eyes and and he was another great man that taught me another angle of sales but how to be a man look at you gotta shine your shoes how you gonna fucking sell a car with shitty shoes he always he would fucking suspend people if you had shitty shoes wow it drove him crazy if you were your shirt wasn't ironed

it drove him crazy if you wore a a fucked up tie with uh with uh with a shirt with designs okay you taught me a lot but anyway back to shotgun dug so now i come back in to snowmass in 85 i don't fucking know 86 and one day i see dug and i go dug what's going on and somebody whispers oh no no he's not dug anymore he's shotgun dug so i'm like dug what's going on he's like nothing good to see i'm selling some blow i think i buy some blow food so i go through my butt now when i knew dug's dug was a regular guy you know he did drugs but now he had become a coke fiend he had creepy eyes and shit glass to rise and fucking uh and fucking so uh we're sitting there and one of my buddies goes how good is that coke from shotgun dug

you listen why do you call him shotgun dug he goes here's the deal one night he's out of he's at the crestwood and he's not the crestwood at the stonehenge in snowmass village it's like a little resort bar you know live bands horrible you just go there and get your dick sucked and pick up a rocket coke from the bartender coke was pure in those days up there coke was clean by no stepped on shit it was coming in from the steve graybo dude in the whole fucking village had tremendous coke it was a fucking village dog they had three bars so he picked up this chick at the stonehenge and he took her back to the crestwood where he took a hotel room he was he lived in the employee housing but you had roommates so he went took a key off the wall and brought her up to a fucking

condo with a view like a balcony in a view they're drinking and they're watching porn he's drinking off on a tent he's the whole fucking package he's got an eight ball on him he's snorting coke he's snorting coke he's snorting coke he's snorting coke but during they were snorting coke he kept leaving and coming back to the hotel room like 20 minutes later she would say what are you bringing it and he didn't say that he goes I know I'm bringing in some clothes I could spend the night here we got the condo for the night right my guest he's a skis and shit okay this goes on a few times this snorting coke this snorting coke night in the morning they wake and they don't even go to bed the sun's coming out this snorting blow this is the first time I had heard this this is 1980

yeah this is 86 I heard this story so Doug gets up in nine they're snorting coke the chick's naked he's naked he goes to the bathroom he comes back and he goes wait a second coke is missing the chick says what are you talking about he goes there was a mound of coke when I went to the bathroom and then I come back and there's two fucking lines where's the fucking coke bitch and get up flap your tits up turn around let me see your ass and she's like what are you talking about Doug he goes you got three minutes to give me the fucking coke and she goes Doug I didn't take no coke he runs into the fucking back he comes out with a shotgun that shit he was carrying with shotguns because he would get paranoid

he was that crazy right how many shotguns does he have I have no idea I never you just kept moving he ran out and he took the chick hostage he put a gun to her give me the fucking coke give me the fucking coke he was like on the second floor and somebody on the balcony was outside smoking a cigarette and saw this so fucking the cops came up there surrounded the building he had the shotgun that became a horror situation they had a fucking call somebody they took him down took the shotgun away hence the expression shotgun duck okay now it's 1990 fucking 493 how quickly do you get out prison for that listen I don't ask questions when I get there everybody's like shotgun dog is gone he's doing time okay he put a bullet in some chick's head I'm like shotgun

dog really they go he got really bad on the blow now it's 1993 I'm in longmont colorado you know what the chances are I'll bump into something in longmont colorado at that time there was one thing in longmont colorado delish yosho tacos they had the best breakfast taco I've ever sank my teeth into for 69 cents I burn them by 15 of them and eat them on the drive back to bold you understand me I'm a professional yeah I was lifting weight swimming I would live I would walk into her to go tell me you gotta go to longmont yes we do see in two hours I would shoot right to delish yosho anyway here I am Christmas 1993 the party my new job I'm the kiss of death at the time everything I'm touching turns to shit shit shit I'm at this party and who do I see playing

basketball at the party but shotgun dug so while we're playing basketball he yells over me no I yell to him shotgun dug and he looks up at me like all smooth and he goes hey man how you doing and when he comes up to me uh he slams me in the chest what he goes who the fuck do you think you are don't you ever call me shotgun dug bitch I'll go to my car and shoot you wow and we kept playing basketball now I'm in the game against him and while we're playing you know me dog yeah I start with the shotgun ducks shotgun Doug shotgun Doug shotgun Doug shotgun Doug he's getting redder in the face by the fucking minute you want a water yes please I love him he's getting redder in the face by the minute yeah he doesn't want nobody to know he's shotgun Doug

wow he's putting his business out there yeah he did something wait you want a water no I'm good buddy thanks so I keep busting his balls throughout this basketball game calling him shotgun Doug shotgun Doug and he starts threatening me uh oh he doesn't sound like someone who you want to mess with to be honest huh yeah I don't think I mess with shotgun he was a fucking puke and he became a worst puke and now he was like a coke fiend mixed with like he was skinnier and he was really creepy and he was a fucking fucking dickhead so he starts yelling back and forth you know but you were in prison too you fuck I heard the whole story you kidnapped some chick and everybody's looking at me now so now I'm fucked I put myself

with this predicament yeah they don't say nothing nobody said nothing so I waited a little while everybody's jingle bellen it was it was it was a trailer the people drinking eggnog there was cold cuts it was a nice setup yeah they had to be fucking 25 people there everybody's having a good time yeah I'm around the back and who do I see shotgun Doug and I fucking you know he's smoking and that's when my creeping skills were on point like I was good top notch oh yeah I was getting good before I went to prison now I came out my creeping skills were on point and it was something I enjoyed doing sneaking up on somebody you live to do that shit you do it when you're a kid and that's fine to do it in real life I got them and I got them by the neck but they were doing that

I could slam them up against was the trailer where the people were having the Christmas party so when I slammed them up against the trailer I told you the story I clocked them a few times next thing you know everybody runs out and goes what happened and he's like Diaz attacked me I go you tell him what you did you had a knife you were gonna fucking do all this shit to me I didn't do nothing he called me shotgun Doug I don't even know who shotgun Doug is and the rest was history they gave him my check and fired me wow shotgun Doug shotgun Doug man you know what you did shotgun Doug oh man shotgun Doug punk ass bitch pussy ass motherfucking shit whoa what time are you on tomorrow Hayes's trail I am on at 12 30

that's a late late show with James Corden how old are you now 31 you're very interesting you're man you have great insight man you're gonna do well in combat and that's why you've done wow so well already you have dates on the books anything November 11th no November 12 will be Ontario improv improv doing it one night good for you yeah you make good not headline I wouldn't call it headlining I'm just I'm just doing a show yeah you're doing a show yeah it's fine yeah yeah I started at the brain improv once a month second Wednesday of the month we mainly started working yeah I was doing one Wednesday every month at the brain improv yeah 40 people and you get 60 people then you get 100 people then you get another 100 people another month then you go to 160

you know like Jesus Christ I'm making strides here on Wednesday nights because people get used to you bring two comics right and now you start selling tickets and it's not a bad little living once a month but you don't want to kill yourself what the more you do it the less you're gonna make right once every Wednesday the second Wednesday of every month if they know you're gonna be there no fucking show up don't pay the small 15 just to have two drinks leave macaroni whatever those fucking those mozzarella sticks yeah it's pretty interesting when you really get to see the other side of people like I'm ready to do a documentary about fans of comedy faces of comedy the people who you go to towns and you see the same couple that comes in and that kind of thing I love when

a person comes up to me as a comic and go hey it's just trail it's great to see you know I've been a fan for a long time I like that but I also like when people come up to me and go dog I came here to see Bert Kreischer big J. Ogerson and Lewis Gomez and Ari Shafir that gives me a different admiration for the person then they'll show up with like a burnt shirt and they'll me the sign or something because you let me know you're a fan of the culture yeah the art yeah yeah absolutely you aren't the culture that that's what makes my dick hard when people come up to me and take a picture I think that's great but I like when people come up and come up me with different angles it's very interesting it's really interesting I love when people come up to me and

it's got it looks like Lee that's a very decent hard-working American and they'll come up to you and give you a hug and go that was a good show you know my favorite comic is Gallagher and you're like okay yeah that's when your ego really sinks so your favorite comic is Gallagher you cocksucker probably like I was gonna cut watermelon still in your fuck yeah it's always nice to go into a town or I'm almost surprised when I see people like yeah I came to three shows this weekend to see like the same actor whatever I'm like wow it's like that's a special kind of person that's really entertained by that bro where was I just Tampa in Tampa a beautiful couple came five shows in a row wow let me tell you how they came they came from Gainesville and Jacksonville and they got that

because she pulled she went to the store and bought something and went to chains she got a lot of re-ticket I know the ticket got a five hundred bucks so they booked the hotel they got the tickets online how cool is that they came to every show and they sat in the same chair every show and they were very sweet and very that's so cool man and I promise them I come to Jacksonville the same because that's how cool they were that's so cool but I had to do better every night because they were there or switch up a new joke and it made me better I hate when people come up to me like this week they came up to me and said I came all five shows like god damn it but guess what every show I got a little better and they saw that I could tell they saw that every show I get better

Thursday's just a warm-up but it's fun because you find the gem in there you find the gem when you're in there bobbin and weave and find it yeah you bobbin weave you mix the bobbin weave yeah with the solid stuff you blend it just perfectly you have a tremendous night on a Thursday night and now you know your boundaries you know what I fucking got killed with I got killed this week the last show Saturday late first show to sell out true church fans I said something about somebody was standing outside the 9 the 20 thousand and brother when 9 11 hit the building and shit and I didn't get one peeping there and just got silent in there I had a fucking pull a grenade out of my ass three jokes later the fucking get them out of that

fucking state of mind I fucked myself sometimes but that's what comedy is that's what comedy is probably proof in that right there too oh yeah yeah you grow it's weird that is a tryout I wish I was going through this when I was 35 this was not the time to give me road angles when I'm 54 you know I'm not a testosterone I'm my natural fucking protein you shit like that so those four nights kill me I can do three nights away from mama and the kids and the sleep pattern you know you gotta get up at three and thirty in the morning I don't fly out I fly out early you know very seldom do I catch that afternoon fly or something like that I fly pop it goes out the first flight yeah I'd rather get there at two take a nap get some fucking food

from the bar they come pick you up at seven forty five tip top magoo you go out to the club you smoke a number you do your fucking fifty minutes you take a few pictures and you go back to the hotel room if you gotta do radio you gotta do radio but it's not oh you stop me pan you stop at the lounge you got a couple bags of Doritos maybe a slim gym like a motherfucker maybe some kick cats and shit a little guy on the water you go back upstairs to your room oh shit hell yeah TNT got alone on a marathon with Anthony Anderson and Lupo and now you're living like a doctor it's two in the morning you're in fucking Tampa Florida with your feet up right you don't have to get up in the morning what do you give a fuck you're gonna watch all five episodes all over the whole goddamn

marathon but it's it's two in the morning he there yeah but it's 11 o'clock at LA so you're at the college still 11 o'clock yeah you're not getting into your house till 1 30 that means you're not even thinking of going to bed till 4 30 4 35 yeah that's what happens yeah and you feel bad because people always say you want to do lunch tomorrow yeah look I'm in the angle isn't I love you to death and I loved you offer but guess what I really looked at the TV guy that the fucking they got fucking John Wick 2 on tonight and fucking 11 40 not happening it don't end till 1 30 I've had I've been waiting all day for John Wick 2 you know what I'm saying right like I've been waiting all fucking day the calls are coming in the calls from the Ralphie Mae

Memorial oh oh that's right today man I feel very bad but the podcast I do not want to there's some people this is a Hollywood memorial which means what are we what is Hollywood about it's about actors I knew it was gonna show up there and I knew the people that were gonna show up there tonight and the reasons they were showing up there and I'm gonna do the benefit and Nashville for Ralphie man this birthday February 17th I think it is for the kid scholarship fund but listen I'm one of those Spanish people at the last four out of five weeks of funerals I went to has been a fistfight or an argument the last it goes down like that yeah so I have bad luck I think if I would have gone there tonight I would have been in a bad mood and I didn't want

to disrespect Ralphie or anybody so I chose just to stay out of the event mind my business behave like a gentleman that's the best I could do I gave the tribute the other night the late show and uh Lexington Kentucky I told the fucking whatever story I told the story when I ate the chick's pussy and he saved me I told a few stories about Ralphie this is fucking memorial that was my memorial for Ralphie obviously he made the smart adult decision but just for the sake of a laugh don't you think Ralphie would love it a little bit if you went off on somebody I mean depending who it is I think Ralphie would have thought that'd be hysterical Ralphie would love it and half the people in that room would have cheated for me to go off here's the problem

I'm 54 years old I have a family I have a nice little thing going on what would I benefit from doing this in front of half the industry right what what happens if I went down and I got anxiety attacked you know 10 years ago this month is when I stopped doing blow I'm like the 15th I think Marilyn Martinez died on the 6th well no no she died on the Rick Ramos' birthday November 3rd or 4th something around there I had to go to New York for a benefit I didn't do blow that weekend and I came back and I didn't really have a chance to do blow she was dead they were gonna have a church thing and as soon as I get to the church who do I see but this dude who's tortured Marilyn for the last

two years he's there for the Senate then this other comic that's well known made a statement that he knew Marilyn's family didn't have money for the funeral so he was gonna pay for the funeral well the beauty of it was that the guy demanded if he paid for the funeral he wanted a certain person not to be there this person that he demanded not to be there had been good to Marilyn this guy this celebrity because of his ego this was all going on doing on only in the Hollywood wake I would see this when I grew up this would be a grounds for fucking a beat up a throw down this is all going on at the church already this all went down at the church I left I had to go to some exercise class or something and also good whatever the fuck that is up the hill there

Los Feliz and that night they were doing a benefit the comedy store I was getting sponsored by a restaurant I hadn't done coke in a few days bro so I was on that already you know I was already killing motherfucker yeah and I'm not sure if I stopped and got coke or that was my plan to cut this shit I was a junkie and against my will a dear friend called me at the time and said listen how would it look if you didn't go and I was like I can't go down it it's gonna be fucked up I can't go down and I just had a feeling I know me right you know it hasn't hit me yet the Ralphie thing I didn't want it to hit me down there yeah yeah with Marilyn didn't hit me till I got there they had the picture of her

I thought about the main room I'm sitting I walk in with my suit on I look over that dude that was playing games or no is eating the food I said the free food that they give me this guy's a fucking producer he's made a ton of money off all the Latino coming fucking smoke was coming out of my ears man smoke I had to turn away and go in the bar and have a drink which I never drink at that fucking bar but between the no blow and this guy was it was it came to a boil and I'm sitting there minding my own business and one of the chicks says listen you got to go up there first and open up the show so what does my Cuban ass can really do up there go up there and after three minutes I start going off with the guy in the main room I tell him when I get off stage I'm

gonna fuck him up and blah blah blah and they got to escort me out of the store and it was very embarrassing I knew what the whole rage was about he deserved it don't get me wrong I'm not apologizing at all and then the word got out that I was a fucking girl some people stopped talking to me some people stopped booking me for certain things in fact I heard repercussions from it two years ago and it broke my fucking heart something like Lee said I think you did the grown-up thing this this time with with Ralphie I know me we've had Lee we've had some brilliant times in hero Ralphie if you fucking think of this podcast and how much fun we've had in here I think that the spirit of Ralphie always lived in this fucking podcast yeah this is crazy it wasn't even

Ralphie's podcast but when he was on it it was his podcast do you disagree Lisa? am I kidding you he would start from the minute he walked in that fucking door from the minute he from the minute I went down to again I'm at the car he would give me a hug but then he would tell me like you know Lee I was one of the first members of the church what's happening now and then he would we we would just talk and he would he's the reverend whatever he would go he would go off from Lee give me the pipe Lee look at this Pinkyta he would start going off and then he would sit in the chair you would hear the chair fucking breathing for his life that poor chair that poor chair you would hear it every time he moved a little bit you would hear like the

springs would be going Jesus Christ and then he would just come on here and start talking nonsense he hated Russians hated a fucking Russian best friend he was just having fun you know he was just having fun and you know what we'd sit there and go Jesus Christ look at the podcast numbers look at the podcast numbers around if he comes on it was like a different dimension why we couldn't believe it he was like the first big guest that would come on and really line up the numbers and that would listen to a little bit of a podcast and I would see why the podcast was really like here's a great laugh you could feel the love in the room yeah and that's really weird like I dig you I really dig what you're doing Jesus and now you wouldn't be here I think you're on the right fucking

path I have to say it means it means the world to me man that's as crazy shit to hear you utter those words man I'm 54 years old I don't have much left but I'll tell you what I do have left my eyes my eyes are not 20 20 but for what I need my eyes are good because I'm always watching I'm watching who's down there begging I'm watching who's down there working and I'm also hearing about who's putting things together and the putting things together I have to respect because that's what I had to do I didn't go to Montreal nobody fucking wanted to sign me as a manager it was a nightmare I would my first agency was the coloring book this this their paperwork was pink and orange you had to put all your headshots on colored paper it was fucking amazing and every month you had to

change the paper so you'll end up at mr. yin's printing over there on sunset across the guitar center it's out of business now mr. chow's printing mr. yin chow uncle chow listen you know I'm bad with fucking names no names it's out of fucking business now but I didn't have that type of help so everything you got you had to work for like you did and that's the main thing I know when I get a call and I know who's bullshit yeah you know what I'm saying after a while you learned to tweak in the voice yeah in 2007 was when I made my decision I told a couple people to stop calling me it was a painful decision sometimes it's necessary they stopped being my friends but guess what else happened they never came around again they didn't do nothing it's comics just like I thought they were

out for the quick fix they were out to latch on to somebody to take them on the road so they could tell their friends pick up chicks smoke pot and then one day they do something in the hotel room the relationship will be over and you'd never hear from that dude again yeah in circles he'd be off welding at a fucking school or something like that I'm not saying nothing bad about welders I love you motherfuckers I'm just saying that he disappeared to Indiana the weld but I think you have a future here see you at the store I see how you handle yourself on stage thanks man you have a good time on stage which is very at the store young comics like myself were always kind of nervous in the spine yeah I could tell that smile on your face that you're very relaxed up there that's what

I do I go down there the best thing about the store is not performing yeah and that's what people don't know that's the hard part the best part of the store is smoking a joint and sitting in the back going down at 845 and even though your spot's at 1145 just sitting in the back in the chair don't talk to nobody you don't want to talk to nobody you want to sit in the back and see how he hypnotizes the audience to see if he gets you yeah you play that game by yourself when you see those billboards that's when you have to go in there Tom Poppins yeah and you know it's put on a fucking clinic it's funny to me because a lot of people expect to go see a comedian and he's not a machine young comic and they go well he's not as funny as expected no

you didn't read listen to his setups you didn't listen to his punchlines correctly you know you were listening for something else that dude's a brilliant fucking comic no you came here to see some fucking union machine yeah that's up there jumping up and down doing bad jokes but the star the night was a Tom Poppins those guys yeah who were surgeons yeah they're fucking surgeons they dissect the room in a different way than Bill Burr with Joe Rogan yeah well Sebastian Menescalco Neil Brennan will surge your eyes the room yeah are they gonna get out of their feet and fall out of their chair no but he's gonna mentally warfare you yeah well you're gonna laugh because your brain's gonna rattle and that's what's so great about comedy it's so subjective you I mean

you see all the stuff for everybody yeah many styles the beauty of the stories you see all these styles I mean I remember when I first got to the store I mean he was my I was his roommate I lived on one of his bunk beds but I'll never forget watching Doug Stano in the original room the best on a Saturday night at 845 when the original room would be sold down and bang it sure it would be like Argus Hamilton yeah and then it would be like a lesbian comic there was a I'll never forget this certain night when it was a short little lesbian comic uh-huh and she went up there at 830 you know cookies I'm a lesbian comic coming to the stage Doug Stano he walked up there he's like this chick is a fucking lesbian like I'm a fucking faggot

he goes you know the real lesbian is a real lesbian is in a little leakage right now coaching a bunch of little girls with a fucking cock ring or something he just went off wow that original room went into shock 830 show yeah teen show on a Saturday a little early for a friend I'll never forget sitting in the doorway and watching Doug Stano break that or everybody's back just went at the same time he just started talking about this lesbian she was in the back home Jesus Christ what did I do Doug Stano's machine gunner up there talking about coming on your tits and he saw his mother's pussy and looked like a spider so he stepped on it you know he just went off and you're in the back as a comic fucking howling yeah you know just amazed at the talent

I'll never forget like I saw a town in New York but in fucked up rooms I'll never forget a town the first time I saw a town the original room they gave him a guest spot at like 915 and maybe there was 45 people that's when the whole back was empty in the sides just the middle would be scattered and I'll never forget him going on a Thursday night talking about his cocaine went down the plane I don't know Bianca playing that was Pablo Escobar I mean he was fucking riffing up there he still had the the sparkler was the gay cousin to the firecracker all those things you know who likes firecrackers raise your hooks he destroyed that original room that shit would make my deck hot when I was up there in the beginning the then Paul Mooney yeah to watch him come in and then

you had to follow that so you would be sitting back there in panic what am I gonna do oh my god you go through twins idea you couldn't leave the room right because he might get off and he would not bring you up he would say good night niggas and he would just put the mic in the thing and walk off then the piano player would have to run over there put a panel that would come into the stage joey Diaz and as you're walking up half the room is emptying out it went from 46 people to 18 right before your eyes you know what that does to you you go Lee that's like yeah oh that's like me kicking in the stomach after the show I can't even imagine see the chair broke from Ralphie May yeah we put the curse of Ralphie on there's a little click and the chair went down look by

knock on the fucking table three times listen this Saturday I'm gonna be at the motherfucking ice house 730 working out with Uncle Joey and then next week November 2nd or something like that I'm at the Omaha funny bone then November 10th I'm at fucking Gotham comedy club how's that for you for the New York comedy festival suck my dick and call me shorty Uncle Joey was born in 1940 I want to thank my man Jesus Trejo a star on the rise where can they find you my brother Jesus Trejo.com Twitter at Jesus Trejo and uh on Instagram at Jesus Trejo and the number one love you brother love you man again this is bruh don't forget to watch my brother tomorrow like give him some digits tape it at least tape it DVR watch it later then fucking get rid of it

if you don't want to watch him give him some love he's fucking young guy this guy's gonna have his own church in fucking seven years this is the guys you got to watch out for me I'm an old goat no stop it I love you motherfuckers Lee Syat my favorite fucking christ killer in all the world I love you too my brother I'll see you guys Wednesday night eight o'clock we got a great podcast as usual stay black don't forget Saturday ice house following Thursday motherfucking Omaha funny bone bitches love you stay black thank you Jesus thank you hit me with a hand of broken nails but I'm gonna break I'm gonna break my I'm gonna break my rustic age in

I'm gonna break I'm gonna break my rustic age I'm gonna break I'm gonna break my I'm gonna break my rustic age in run you're like a fillet head into my brain you it's gonna be too tough to sleep again dirty mouth teeth on bars and rusty chains I'm gonna break my rustic age

in run When the force burns along the road And I go down into my headlights And when the dogs are looking for their phones And there's waiting an ice-picks on your steel shelf Well, I'm gonna break I'm gonna break mine I'm gonna break my rustic fangirl

Well, I'm gonna break I'm gonna break mine I'm gonna break my rustic case And run