Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #528 - Jay Larson

Episode Date: October 26, 2017

Jay Larson, Comedian and co host of "The CrabFeast" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 10/25/2017.

Welcome to podcastville. This podcast is brought to you by on it For all your supplement needs on it is the way to go. You understand me from the shroom tech sport shroom tech immune The alpha brain, but the best is the hemp force protein Chocolate, which I hope they got back in stock. They're pissing me off for a while But still the acai vanilla is bang it I can't hook you up with this with the weights and the fucking gorillas and shit I could just get your 10% off on supplements, and you know what? That's the way to go. Anyway Go check out the great line of supplements that they have from the jerky

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Wednesday October 25th The church to what's happening now The Christ killer J. Lawson And your uncle fucking Joey Diaz motherfuckers like this room up you cock suckers. Oh shit What's happening you bad motherfuckers uncle Joey here direct in your car whatever the fuck you're doing You're sitting on a subway. You're sitting on a bus. You're mowing lawns. You're doing time I don't give a fuck welcome to the podcast my little brother J. Lawson today Joey. What's up sexy motherfuckers first of all

I wish I was mowing lawns right now shit me too old-school mowing lawns Remember newspaper wrap. Yeah, of course. I did whatever happened to the newspaper wrap No, I mean there are some people out there somewhere maybe that I got them But otherwise everyone's just pulling it up on their ipad or on their phone fucking even when I was going to school They had an old man doing it and I'm like a truck and that's embarrassment. That's embarrassing That's a job for young kids an old man drops a bundle off on the corner And the young kid gets down there before they steal his papers Because in my neighborhood you better get up before I walk up sure because I'd steal those papers

Take them up to county boulevard and sell them by seas for 10 cents Even though they were a quarter we would jack your shit up We would jack you know that neighborhood So I finally got a job like I was thinking about that. I took my daughter You know when you sit there at those events like they're as boring as watching fucking cement What the kids events like the kids shit sometimes. Yeah, you're like, what the fuck am I doing my life? I'm sitting here for 45 minutes. I could I could be getting a handjob from some chinese woman 40 dollars or something like that

and I'm fucking I go, what the fuck have happened to the newspaper around? Dude, I did I had to do how long did you deliver the newspaper for I mean I picked it up on sixth grade when my brother and my brother and sister had it You know what they did in massachusetts if you had the newspaper route you did it for a certain amount of years They give you a five thousand dollar scholarship to college my sister got it So my mother was like everyone's doing the damn paper route So then my brother had it and then I got it

But I remember when I was in sixth grade the two of them were in the Thanksgiving day parade Or the Thanksgiving day show and parade so I had to deliver form I didn't normally deliver form, but I knew the route because I'd help collect So I go and it's all the circulars on Thanksgiving, you know for for christmas coming up So papers thicker thick. Well, they deliver the papers in a bundle and then they had the circulars in another bundle You had to put them in there. That's right So I go out there and I realized I snipped the I snipped the thing for the circulars And I realized I need to grab something in the house. I go in the house. I come back out

Yeah, you guessed it, bro wind had just blown the circulars over my whole fucking neighborhood They were gone every circulate like you should see my lawn my neighbor's lawn and I'm sixth grade I'm trying to collect them. I lose it. I just start like crying. I'm like, what am I going to do? I got to finish I got I'm never going to collect all these and my grandfather He was a baker in the town over at the bakery He was done baking he pulls in the driveway and his linking continental it gets out And he just starts laughing his ass off at me thinks it's hysterical And I was like stop laughing at me and then I went in the house and he came and got me and said come on

Let's go and he drove me that morning on the route. It was the best ever. That's the best man That's how grandfathers do Pick you up and they drive you on the route and the Lincoln Fucking delivering papers. I had a Newspaper around for about a year. That's all I could take before you started swiping on the people and no it was really like I really wanted around like uh, I didn't want to work for my mom no more We got into an argument one day in the fifth grade Fuck you fifth grade. Well, I'm never coming back here to load ice in your freeze and get the fuck out

You miserable. Fuck you and great. Get the fuck out of my bar. Don't come back And I was like fuck you. I gotta got a job somewhere else. So my buddy delivered paper one ass I'm like, oh no What are you gonna do to get a job? You can take my fucking route. You know why he gave it up because winter was coming Yeah, I didn't fucking see it coming. Oh Oh my god, so I would get home from school at three Cut the fuck. I would I delivered the afternoon paper Oh my god, that's right. That's when they were they were dropping that uh afternoon things had changed, man

I leave at the I leave at my house at 3 15 and I get home Just for dinner at six. How many do you remember how many papers are on that route 40? Yeah, it was uphill So I had to go uphill all the way north bergen has this wheelie chief. You see it north bergen Uh Not dead man's curve. They call it some it's horrible Yeah, karma and balsanos father lived on that hill and whenever we go to visit them there You would just shit your pants. Yeah It took me as a young kid. It took me two weeks to get in shape

To walk that hill. Yeah, but once I was walking the people were like god damn My I come from I come from the second hilliest town in the country behind san francisco I'm the only asshole decides to get a newspaper around. Yeah, and I swear to god. It was it was all slow You know it was one of those slow You're taking out. Well, did you have to walk because like yeah, you can't ride a bike and then no No, so by the time you let your papers you had snow on them You had to clean them off bring them into your garage close the garage Dust them off totally. That's right break the fucking thing and then you put them in something

I forget what the fuck I put them in but this wasn't even around my neighborhood Jay larson. I was a complete asshole I like what are you doing a route in someone else's neighborhood? Yeah, I took the route. I took somebody's else Somebody else's territory like the asshole that I had. Yeah, I just couldn't settle for my own neighborhood I went I lived on 38th street and I went for a route that started on 43rd street 43rd street, you gotta be a moron to want to walk that hill But I was so determined to get that fucking job I took the fucking hill and then when I got that go, what am I signed up for?

Yeah, and brother I took it like November December January that first year and I had no idea So now you deliver papers every day on thursday you collect Yeah, and then whatever you don't collect on thursday, you gotta collect on friday Do you remember how well and if you think back how weird collecting money was you had to literally go up to adults houses and be like Hey, you got that money. You owe me, you know, I mean to an adult and sometimes you're like I don't have or they don't leave it out. You gotta leave an envelope and you're like Hey, man, like I shouldn't be coming back to you. Like you're an adult, dude. I'm in sixth grade. Where's the money? Thought about what thought about what that experience taught you of course at a young age

You know how to approach people go up to the door Knock and feel comfortable get bit by a dog and not be able to sue a motherfucker Because in those days, there was no but where the dog signs No, you either got bit by the dog and you went home and you got a tetanus shot or whatever the fuck they gave you I mean it was fucked up And that's what I'm saying. How they took that away from Today's america. I don't understand how important that was for kids Like I I could sit here and tell you now that it didn't mean nothing at the time for me

But now sitting here with you. Yeah, how important it is for a child to knock on somebody's door And say good afternoon, mr. Marinelli. I'm here to collect for two weeks. How much is a week? For 75 cents a week, mr. Marinelli. Okay, here's two dollars. Yeah Yeah, and as they close the door, you're like you chief fuck 50 fucking cents. I hope your mother dies and you put your two dollars in your pocket You walk away Then you have like people's houses who give you like a two dollar tip And then give you candy and a book and a hat and you're like, okay

Now I'll sweep for them or pull the garbage out for them. You had old ladies We'll tell you listen on the way up get me a pack of cigarettes You got that after six months. You started wheeling and dealing. Yeah, so I could wheel and deal after six months But I had already I already had that flavor. You know, I yeah clearly Guess where I got the flavor from from what I'm a Catholic dog bingo, bitch If you don't know how to work a bingo hall, you ain't shit in my eyes. Okay, where the fuck were you working at bingo? I'm already new jersey a sacred heart school for boys

Sundays If you had an a you fucking could work the bingo hall if I looked and what were you doing like bringing people's sodas and shit Old ladies that's how you learn how to fucking work old ladies grandmas That nobody talks to no more. They go to bingos on sundown grandmas And you go up to me. Tell you bring me a coffee my sweet child. They touch your head You remind me of my my nephew juniper, you know He's a fag but you're the legit, you know, it was fucking crazy and they will let us work it from six to ten on sunday nights So we got back to the dorms all the other kids were like, how much did you make and we're like

42 fucking dollars a piece come we were milking them. But then we figured out how to steal. Were you in boarding school? Yeah, I was in boarding catholic boarding school. Oh, man, but then I figured we all figured out how to steal So everybody was in on it. Yeah a bag of chips with quarter 15 we'd steal the thing and we'd chop up a dime a dime with a nickel those nickels I had it up in this 400 women in the room. Yeah I hear that man apples tea coffee milk Sandwiches Cigarettes you went to the store for cigarettes from that's where your gear. This was yeah, no kidding. That's where I can make

I'm gonna get me two packs of mom, bro And you're in what grade? Third fourth and fifth. Holy shit. Yeah, is that where you started complimenting women? I can just imagine you complimenting these old no, no, you know, I already had the flavor dog by the time I got the You know catholic cool. I know how to trick a woman You know where it does though, it gives you like a normalcy of interacting with a dog You know instead of like looking at adults like oh, I can't like speak or talk or communicate like you had to You're like you're there. You have to like, you know

Interact no one interacts anymore. No one talks anymore I don't want to fucking talk because everyone sits on a phone or a computer I would like to start something where kids like in my neighborhood where kids would have to sell something And the parents should all get together to buy it and support this and at the end We could chip in for like a disneyland trip for the kids in the neighborhood and call it something Yeah, because I think the kids are lacking that that's a I fucking You know, my daughter's four and a half I understand she's four and a half, but it's like this things I talked to her about

That's it. They just go right over the fucking head I was like what but I'd love to be a fly on the wall in those conversations, you know, man My dad died when I was three and I got really tight with my mom And my mom's world became my world and she didn't believe in babysitters So she would take me to the bar with her. Yeah, so I kind of had a grasp I didn't know work or anything like that. Just like like today. I was leaving person because you're gonna work. Yeah, she goes, huh She doesn't know the concept of death of the four and a half. She doesn't have any idea what the fuck we do

Well, I tell my son he goes money. Yeah. Oh, well, no kid She takes the quarters off my desk and put some of the jar You know, she's got like a hundred thousand dollars in quarters. Yeah and dimes and shit somewhere But it's just I don't know. I thought I was Dude, I just you know, I started doing this is 12 year old in my neighborhood And it's my buddy's kid and they're like, he doesn't have a job He doesn't have a job his sister's 17 doesn't have a job. They don't have jobs anymore kids don't get jobs So and they told me that he wanted to get a skateboard and they they're like, you know

So I went over the house with my kids and he's like playing with him and hanging out and he's way older and I go I go, look how great he is just hanging out with the kids and she goes Well, I told him I'd give him a couple bucks if he hung out with the kids and I go Why is he trying to get some scratch and she's like, yeah, I go Why doesn't he come over to my house seven to eight when I put the you know I have a two-year-old when I put her down He can hang out with my son Skateboard and they can like play and stuff like that and I'll pay him 10 bucks and she's like, oh, that's great

First day 15 minutes late And his dad drove him. He lives less than the 16th of a mile Second time parents drove him every time I did it four times with him And the third time I'm like, man, I come out from putting the baby down. I'm like, oh, they're really quiet I start doing dishes to get the dishes done. I go in the living room and he's shown the kid fucking snapchat shown I go, I go, hey, dude, you're here for an hour. You can't figure out something other than snapchat I go put that away go outside and skateboard 10 bucks an hour, dude

You try they had no work ethic I don't know they've never had to work. I don't know they get the money remember like when we were kids You wanted a buck you had to go earn a buck Lemonade stand selling papers or stealing in your case stealing papers, man We used to I did that shit 20 years ago If I was walking and I busted into like if somebody and I put a quarter in I always took five papers Give went to lease. I went to the old lady next door. Yeah, tell somebody I bought this for you. Really? Yeah. God bless you

But you know, we are missing that human contact in children And I didn't think I knew about the newspaper out the newspaper out thing bothered me. Yeah, because I believe again, but again, you know You shoveled driveways Fuck yeah, and when it snowed you pushed fucking people out and shoveled that was an extra hundred dollars in my neighborhood Just hang out with gloves a rope And a shovel and a hat and a sandwich in your pocket With fucking hand warmers and see what happens. See what goes down

For sure, man. That's how you do it these coasts my fucking snows a foot and a half You're out there with a shovel. You're you're just walking. You're you're just a no bad. Hey, help me. All right Bye. Bye. Hold on. I got rock salt in my pocket. You feel lucky day. You know what I'm saying? Bye Can we get a 20 dog? Boom. I'll give you 15. I gotta get gas. No problem. You just picked up 15 bucks Yeah, easy that's listen. That's That's the lifeline of kids But that's what in your neighborhood everyone was parking on the street. Yeah Street and garage in jersey street and garage, but still don't know those fucking streets

It's a Even given on terrace where I grew up was this Yeah, steep So, uh, you know, you got a shovel the fucking a foot and a half my eighth grade year We wouldn't have graduated till like june Dirtiest because it was the worst snow year ever I must have made a hundred thousand dollars shoveling fucking snow. You didn't get him If he sits still I'll get him. He's annoying

Do I tell you I got this little bathroom in the back. Lee. I took leave back there yesterday Oh my god, I got weed everywhere back there So I noticed whenever I take a ship back there because I opened up the back door. Yeah, it's beautiful right out to the yard My little bathroom. I got weights. I got a jump rope back there. Hopefully no one's ever looking over your friends I got fucking 20 pounds a week back there man. Yeah, like and So I know this today. I noticed a couple weeks ago that flies go in there And they don't die, but they're like last glad They're like what's that word ladder gaysicle lack of days. Yeah, like they're all fucking retarded

They live in the shower tubs. Like I'll be taking a shit and all of a sudden one will be just walking In the fucking thing So today I opened up weed and I smoked some I then put the cap back on it So when I came in there tonight, I went to pick up the cap and a little fucking fly flew out and he just He's all banged up. I think they're eating my weed in there They get a little fucked up and they just fucking computes But I smoke a lot of weed in that room. Sometimes I open the door at night. I don't open it I don't want to open up the back doors in case the boogeyman's out there

I don't open up the back. Wait, is this just a freestanding building? No, no, it's our house. It's attached to the house But I have an office and behind the office attached to it. There's a bathroom with a shower tremendous tremendous. I love that I could live like jungly bananas back there. I just don't I got some clothes back there If I take an emergency shower in shampoo, it's the strongest shower in the house But it's so strong that it floods Oh, really? Yeah, it's like 10 minutes. I gotta I gotta get out of it Yeah, I go to Vegas with that type of pressure. I get a fucking two three xanax. I go in there for an hour bang one out shave

You just sit on the floor and get fungus on your ass cheeks when I go to the south point That's what I do. They got that shower with the three things blowing that yet once They got water connections in all directions. I just go in there put it all on hot Ghosts smoke the vapor pen Papa xanax and I crawl in there and I just sit on that little fucking thing with my leg up With my leg up like fucking Liberace without a faggot. You know what I'm saying? We had a kid grow up across the street from us who had a shower like that in his house Tony LeMay and they came in and they were like, you know, like they came to our town like from another town

We're like, who are these people that have this money? You know, I mean they had money and his dad used to like sell he had like a liquor store that's And they were selling kegs to underage kids and he got shut down Like he had a silver keg from budweiser in the house Like as a gift for like selling the most, you know, you got that from youtube He got like one of those from budweiser and we were like damn and then they got shut down son Fucking kegs delivering those kegs keg parties, man. You don't see that anymore It was last time you went to a keg party

Knowing you who knows that two days ago. No 19. I don't drink beer. That's the fucking weirdest thing What time I went to a party then I ain't gonna tap and that was pretty fucking good. Yeah, I ain't gonna tap I like I think I'm bottles too But fucking I ain't gonna tap this deli so so it's always been my dream to have a like a full like a bar I want I want that soda gun ever since I was a kid and my dad worked in nightclothes I want that soda gun like it's It'll be Diet Coke, but Everyone is diet. That's all I'd want but that's uh, that's the dream. So you grew up in Boston

Yeah, just outside outside 15 minutes north. How far from fuck over here. Where'd you grow up Sudbury Sudbury, dude I was so We're probably 40 minutes. I grew up on stonem. Oh, okay Jesus Christ, did you do comedy back then my brother? No, I started in LA I had no idea man. I moved here in 2000 just to like write and act and then in 2001 I started stand-up over doublance Matter of fact, you ready for this? I got my sag card in your movie Really in fucking longest yard. Yeah doing extra work my boy adrian culp

you know adrian used to work over at happy madison And he was like, hey, I can get you like extra work on this if you do three days, you'll get your sag card I'm like, all right sag eligible. I didn't I didn't go full tilt and you know, I mean I was like, let's just wait till I need to pay that do And started stand-up. Where'd you work? Where'd you work at the football field, man? In redondo beach. Yeah, wherever that was. Yeah, that giant place kept moving us. You guys were out there doing your thing Was I there? Yeah, I think so That was a long fucking time ago. I mean that was like what oh two or oh three oh four oh four

We started shooting that movie In july of oh four and we wrapped in november Oh, wow, I wrapped all the way to the end late. They wanted to break my balls So I shot the last night. Oh man me loba That's crazy You were there for the the rap the producers really that that fucking one guy his attorney that doesn't Isn't partners with adam no more. Uh-huh. He did not dig me We went out a few times

Who doesn't love joey ds, you know He was a fucking gambler And I was break breaking his balls like one day he asked me about these pricks like a dog If you picked that you're the other kiss of death He's like fuck you and then he lost now. He really got mad at me. Yeah And then we banged it out one time But they sent me to the doctor and shit and then when I went back to the set to like listen It's none of our business. We gotta stop snort and block with all this shit like they just tormented me

I was like you motherfuckers. This is none of our business, but We're gonna make it our business. Yeah, it was it was weird and then it all started out great They hired me for the extra time. They only hired me for four fucking wings. Yeah Then they were like, but you're one of the main dudes. Yeah, then they go, but they were gonna do something different I was gonna get hurt or something happened being something that they changed it And once I did the fact I seen when I was in the thing the Diet Coke, they were like, no, give him the 17 weeks So I was like, okay, so I was on my best man. You were not complaining with that. No, I was on my best behavior in New Mexico. I was when I came home. I started slipping

New Mexico is nothing. I only went off the reservation one time. I think those six weeks in New Mexico But besides that I was pretty good in New Mexico. Yeah, you know, I just wanted to make a good impression Oh, yeah, I didn't get hired during the week. I was like fucking I think it took me three weeks to finally snap on a Friday night. What do you mean? What'd you do? I got a package Sometimes you gotta get a package. Yeah before you went to set No, I mean that night. Oh, well then what's the matter? I would never get hired to set. Yeah, then what's it matter? I'll smoke. I'll smoke dope like a motherfucker. Yeah, like a motherfucker on a set Cocaine's a different level. Yeah, I do a line of coke. I ain't going out there

I ain't going out there Have you ever been too high to like do your scene or have they ever had to like Give you super strength eye drops or something. That's what I always think when people talk about actors being high When we did the turkey scene in the longest shot That was legitimately, you know how actors are fake and go my god We shot this movie wink wink and the green was going around like those That day we shot that on the set. I can admit this to the fucking world now

We probably had a pound two pounds of weed on the set that day Because I had a pound on me myself You know, I I never made that kind of money on the movie I mean I so I was showing up to buy it when I used to buy a 20 Now I was just getting eight ounces and just give me eight fucking ounces Now I was coming home. I had like in the bag and I had we lived in a one bedroom apartment apartment in hollywood and there was no closet and when you walked into that there was a garbage bag At one time that had the half pounds in there

Oh, man, and then some guy came to me and I bought a half pound and I smoked it the weed was so fucking dynamic So I said wait a second. You know me. I'm fucked up. Let me take a regular joint I took that same weed and I took it to my friends over at 1440 and laying on them And I left and came back and they had smoked half a joint And you should have seen what their living room looked like they used to order from pinks They must have spent $2,000 on Just off that I walked in and I was like what the fuck happened guys. They're like whatever was in there Fucking my my girl from passed out. I'm fucking high

We had a order from pink to have meatball sandwiches turkey sandwiches. He goes We just got every sandwich was so fucking hungry. Oh my gosh. I was like, yeah, this weed is really fucking good So I took it to somebody on the set the next day. I go dog. Listen, you know me I know you're a professional and I know that I would never bother you because a certain individual Was smoking bloods and they were doing 25 Yeah, all right. They were doing 25 of them Nelly Nelly, you know fucking Nelly smoked so much pot in this trailer that when we move locations

They gave the they gave his trailer my mistake the buffalo bill The guy that played the quarterback on the other team bill or whatever He fucking went to the executive producers and went nuts. That's not my trailer It smells like marijuana in there my clothes went there for two minutes I gotta get them all dry clean now. It just reeked You know, Nelly had six gorillas with him. Yeah six guys that were six four 280 And everybody had a blood there at all times. Yeah when I met Nelly the first week. I had no idea

I thought he was really a rapper He was so built His eyes were always clear Within a week once we got to them. They told us do not smoke in the prison in New Mexico That lasted a day Yeah, that was a day because he was just smoking all the time me too Yeah, well, I was right there by the guard post And I would walk 50 yards in in front of I would stand in the middle of all the trailers

So they really know who the fuck was smoking. Yeah, and I would smoke out there in the mornings and I would look up And who would be walking at me with burnt rentals And it'd be cold in New Mexico in the morning should be fucking freezing Like the floor would be hard. Maybe a little bit of uh frost. Yeah And so they call us at 5 a.m We wouldn't do dick till 10. I know We wouldn't do dick till 10 wait wait, man. We would get the tattoos Fucking come to the room give us juice take my blood pressure. Oh, they had me on the program. They were watching me like a lock

Like you were first around traffic, man. Oh my god. They were watching me like a fucking hook I'm sorry guys. I can't breathe my fucking allergies and that spray don't work That uh, I can't use the nasal spray. I had surgery to stop using the nasal spray. What do you mean? Yeah, because I got hooked on that nasal spray for like six years It's the worst disease you could ever get hooked on yeah When you can't breathe, you know, so I gotta go see it. I gotta make an appointment Maybe see a fucking more friday morning when it ain't 30 All right, so wait, what happened what happened with rentals rentals? So rentals would stand next to me

It was I would be smoking And it would be like me at that time You know the Adam Sandler guys were always getting high Yeah, I would bump into them but that early would be be by myself I would stand there was an air conditioner in front of the trailers and I would stand there Because it was making noise and if I heard something I could always move away And if it was somebody cool, they go hey you motherfucker. It's six god damn in the morning. Yeah But rentals will come up to me stand next to me

Go it's a beautiful morning, isn't it? You know like something like that and then I'd be smoking the joint And I wouldn't even say nothing professionals don't say dick I would just tilt the joint his direction There was days he wouldn't even touch it. He had his gloves on he would just tilt his head And you would hold it there That was it So when we did the turkey scene in LA By that time everybody knew what was going on. We were moving fucking pounds on there. We were fucking gambling

The wrestlers listen, I was doing nothing compared to the wrestlers and I've said this a thousand times And I want to go on steve awson's podcast just to say it one time The wrestlers the first three weeks Were me in 1983 Yeah Just doing it all first off it was an indian fucking hotel. There was a guy there when you first checked in There was the indian guy that you played the flute there. Okay Oh

You're watching indian movie like the outlaw josey wales Everywhere he goes you hear like a little fucking oh, yeah They had the indian playing the flute at the hotel The wrestlers got drunk one night picked the guy up threw him out no more indian with the flute Listen to me dog. Listen to me. The bar was fucking small It was the bar at this hotel. How long were you out there for? Six weeks six weeks seven weeks something like that, but the bar at this hotel I'm not even making this up

Was where your hand is to the thing. Yeah, it was built for two people had a little tv And at night they just pulled like a little gate. Yeah, they put like a little padlock on it And they put the bottles in the thing Wrong answer the wrestlers ripped the gate Climbed in there took the booze out. They called the cops adam came Everybody's got taken care of about a week later two in the morning here They opened up who is it they're like it's me. Who me and it's like the fucking line coach You know the guy that was in charge of doing the diagrams for the football plays

He also worked on deniro pechino's movie But he wasn't on camera. He was just the guy that was he was off camera, but it was him harvey, you know, uh, steve Whatever whatever I just said it was him steve austin steve austin You know, uh, the guy from the man, uh, hawk seahawks Oh, seahawks. Yeah, the guy that the bosworth bosworth. Oh, that's right. It was like four white dudes You know, like another wrestler a big guy the big guy the guy that's Six foot eight the indian dude. No, no Undertaker no, no the white dude that was also he does a lot of movies now

He did the movie with gabriel about the strippers John Cena No, I just flew with him I heard first Bert told me I didn't fuck that shit When you came out and he said on his podcast when I did it and you come out and you go Dog you go your dad sitting next to John Cena's dad and even though no his dad didn't even know The guy that played video games in the whole fucking fight So one night I hit his knock on my door

I opened the door and it's like fucking. What's his name? He's like, hey I need what's in your refrigerator What are you talking about? Well, you're accusing me of being fat like what am I the guy in fucking full metal jacket? I stole a sandwich Yeah, he goes no, let's take the bottles So they took all my airplane bottles, you know when you check into a nice hotel You open up the refrigerator. They got like 19 airplane bottles mixes. They took everything The next morning I was like, what's going on? They when I paid a man

Somebody gave me like 60 bucks and that was it and they left with everything with the fucking pineapple juice The gin what because they had flushed out their rooms. They locked the fucking bar They were locked the bar at 12 and then now they fucking wrestler proofed it Because they couldn't get in the fucking thing. Yeah, so now they were out of booze at this time that Santa Fe, New Mexico is not a nightlife type of town No, yeah, it's not like no, I went to the strip club one night and I was like, oh my god

Oh my god, it was that bad. Yeah, you know, uh, there was a club in town at that time This is 2004. There was you know how many comedy clubs there were Zero. Oh, you know how many comedy you did you think you how many people knew about stand-up comedy? No Yeah, it's where a pretty woman lives. Oh, really? So you need dough to live there, but they got a motherfucking dunking donuts there That's my shit, son I wouldn't even drink the coffee on the set I would take my own car

D&D donuts The donuts suck dick. Wow. Come on. Those are my I mean, but those brazilian bowl That brazilian bowl that that listen you go any dunking donuts. They got the regular coffee Now the regular coffee is for soldiers and death Like if you walk into center level, you're like, let me get a large coffee and shit That motherfucker got two cartons of red marble somewhere. Totally. He's throwing down today. You know what I'm saying? The check just got there You ever see those big center level of course. Yeah, you know how long they'll jack you up for Lee

Do you have any idea what a cup that big and there's motherfuckers and that's my witness right there How many I believe motherfuckers in Boston, you know, I could drink one of those with a cup of cream and a ton of I don't know anyone who's getting seven alone coffee. No, no, no So, uh, uh, but uh, uh, Dr. Donuts in Boston, you grew up. Yeah, but how many motherfuckers could drink those larges and and that the Fuckin macatastatino drinks. Yeah. Yeah, I'm talking about let me get let me get a black regular But they get the large even the people at Dunkin Donuts go You know, Dave the little Hindus are like, oh, no. Yeah, because a lot of Hindus own them now

They panic when you wanted a big coffee now They have a new coffee 7-Eleven awesome Dunkin Donuts They when 7-Eleven came out were Brazilian bold and leaked that ices was drinking that Somebody had a topple that shit. So Dunkin Donuts came out with a dark bold coffee Good Yeah, it's just what hardcore you just just drink eight ounces of an attend and get back to me tomorrow at

Two in the afternoon when you're doing push-ups Backflips and you're wrestling with your kid the Brazilian bold, huh? If the Brazilian bold is 7-Eleven Dunkin Donuts came out with the answer They were like, we got some shit Yeah, they came out you want to fuck with me. You really want to fuck with that coffee then, you know It's the medium one So next time you go back to Boston, you see a nigga knows pull over go listen. Joey Diaz sent me Don't give me the regular death

Yeah, I want this shit that the nazis drink before they let the town on fire. You know what I'm saying? Lord, wait a minute. Are you you're so you're dunking donuts, dude? You know what man? I uh, he's not a coffee, dude I'm not a coffee. I mean, but I mean the donuts you didn't like the dough. I mean, you know what? I grew up on one glaze one chocolate glaze and a hot chocolate. That's that's the kid at dnd Oh, yeah, that's dude. I just had that minus the hot chocolate when I was home I got out of the airport doing a college gig my buddies picked me up I stopped at the dnd in the airport. I got a chocolate glaze and a regular glaze. That's all that's the classic combo Let's be honest here. I like the ball a glaze is the glaze is the glazed no

Really dunkin donuts is the best. I love dnd's glazed and my grandfather had a bakery growing up his he called a honeydip donut Yeah, honey. Well remember honeydew the one thing though. I do. I do What uh, crispy cream I got when it's hot that I think that's the best one To be to be fair, but it's a good donut about about Dunkin donuts they went down ever since I left they started adding like sandwiches Like they they're doing the same thing starbucks is doing and they had like lunch food that militant egg All they know I can't believe you people eat that egg and think that's a real fucking egg I grew up on the on the bacon egg and cheese so from where dunkin donuts

Oh, you're gonna go to hell Hey man, that was my plate. Let me tell you something bacon egg and cheese from dunkin donuts With that cook and he's got to make sure he's a felon if he's making that bacon egg and cheese You're fucking central nervous systems That's why you haven't kicked a bucket on all these animals Those egg and cheese. Yeah, there's a young man from dunkin donuts are keeping me alive But please people at home don't eat those egg sandwiches if you don't see the yolk don't fuck with those people Don't fuck with those people. Yeah, if I don't see the yolk, I don't eat your egg dog

Yeah, I don't want to eat it. I know what a scrambled egg looks like I'm cute, but I grew up on scrambled eggs like a motherfucker. You understand with what ham or something Rice scrambled eggs with rice, huh? Damn, damn That's some shit That's 20 pounds and if you go real deep with the cubans, uh, they come out with the white rice A steak cut up They put two egg yolks on top of that and you slice through when you're there

The yolk breaks on the rice and the steak. You know what your dick looks like by 11 o'clock It looks like a fucking sledgehammer of debt You understand because you already beat it the dead nine times Two egg yolks and the steak for breakfast when you're fucking 13. Good lord. What do you think happens to you as a child? Your expectations are through the roof I want a steak and egg every morning That used to be my play like when I was like 25 26 steak and eggs because it's the cheapest steak you're gonna get You know, I mean it's costing seven bucks for steak and eggs at cafe 50s on Lincoln

And that's that's the way I used to roll with some with some fucking white toast white toast with butter that fit hash browns Throw the steak on top of the fucking Uh, toast make a little sandy while it's none of the while it's waiting. Oh, yeah Are you preparing a thing and butter your fucking? You butter your toast you put the steak on top of let the grease from the steak zipping to the Then you take the steak i'm cutting up and you get the egg yolk put it on the bread bite. Take a piece of meat Yeah, man That's now you gotta eat good in the mornings. I I tell you I'm a steak and uh breakfast guy from memies

The best steak and eggs for breakfast in this area that I would drive to his memies in glendale It's off. I'll tell you how good it is. It's off the menu. It's off menu. Uh I've been waiting for it all week because Duncan's coming back to town Well, there's one already on the west side. Where? And a gg a memies. No, I thought you just said dunking donuts. No. No. No. No. No. I'm talking about dunking He's talking about dr. Duncan trussell. Duncan trussell's coming. Oh dunk. Yeah, I know. Yes. He's driving cross-country, right? He's driving. He's dropping the hippie off at a commune. We were howling on the phone today But when I told him I said listen, what are you coming? He goes I should be there monday. I said so that's it

He's the one him and my uncle turned me on to memies Memies is in glendale in front of toys or us and cosco What's the deal with it? It's a hidden fucking treasure It's a hidden treasure You just can't go in on saturday and sunday because people go to church. Oh, yeah, people go to cosco But I'll beat you down a fucking wednesday at 10 living like fucking liberace The place is empty. You go in there for starters. You say keep the bread Bring the carrot cake

Oh, that's that come out with a whole loaf of carrot cake sliced thin These little pieces and two little tubs of cream cheese Or butter whatever you know man cream cheese. No, listen. I'm throwing that shit dog Don't you think you come at me with cream cheese and carrot? Can I can't handle that? I'm saying to you I'm saying to you don't come crying. I mean when you gain 30 pounds in the month of december Don't call me go joy. I went there three times a week and I don't know what's going on the scales line to me this fucking fly This cock suck you must have had some hummus. No, I didn't have no hummus. He got stuck in the fucking head do Let me tell you something my plate because when I was a kid my nana would always make date nut bread

Oh, shit. She would make date nut bread cream cheese cream cheese dude So now when I go to like coffee shops and I order like they'll have Like banana bread I'll get I go. Can I get a banana bread and whatever coffee I'm getting I go And I'll go do you have cream cheese and they go, yeah, I go all right I'll take cream cheese and they'll go for what and I'm like for that banana bread and they're like Oh, I've never tried that. I'm like you never had like that's the only way pumpkin bread zucchini bread whatever it is I'm a cream cheese dating that bread. What's the shit man? That's all I do with cream cheese

Oh, I do it. I don't put no cream cheese. I'm banana bread. You lost me there You gotta get back on board, but no, I like the they don't even make date. No one makes dating up bread That's what I'm nearing heart of it. Pepper's falling. Well, we were kids pepper Well, my nanomated pet dude, it's like basically like a banana bread, but they yeah, we gotta write a petition for bell Yeah, we know the dates make it sweet. Listen. I hit 70. I'm just gonna go for it 600 700 pounds. That's oh, yeah, that's the way to do it. If you make it to 70 You just start pouring that fucking cream cheese on that cream cheese What do you like though? Do you because there was the temti you remember temti cream cheese? I'm a philadelphia

I'm a phil, I like opening it with scratch. Listen, if I come to your house And it's old like you already opened it. I'm gonna send your kid to the store to get another container in the box Yeah, I'm one of those dudes I want to see it open. I want to see you open it from scratch. It's fresh. I don't want no misunderstandings Yeah, what do you mean misunderstandings? Yeah, my wife just bought. I don't know. I don't know your wife I know you I don't know what the fuck's going on these I don't know how long it's been sitting in there. You know what I say Let's go get a new tool. Where's the kid? Where's the kid with the fucking skateboard?

Yeah, you need to call him up. Come here. Go up to the store. Give me a little tube of fucking cream You like the box? Yeah Yeah, the philadelphia Then you slice it like that That's why it goes bad. Listen to me. Oh, there's a fucking trot away You know what I'm saying? You find something. Yeah, I'm gonna throw something else a cream cheese at you in a second My there's something my nanny used to make grilled cream cheese sandwich Is that a grilled cheese grilled cream cheese?

But do you put another cheese in there or just straight up? No, dude. Just cream cheese butter on the outside Boom boom in the pan. It's insane. See, I can't even do crab rangoon. I don't say crab rangoon is my shit, son I can't do it. I don't like I like cream cheese on bagels and that's really it I'll put cream But you're going to listen to me those shitty tacos listen to me Well, he friend, you know anything he picks you gotta be well, I rather than yelp What do you think we think yelp is it's people who had a bad experience Now they want you to have a bad experience. No, so they say the place is great all the tacos

You know what I'm saying? Don't worry about the tail it comes Don't worry about the lizard meat He claimed Grilled cream cheese claim that when he moved here someone told him that a taco place next door got busted for selling lizard It's the only new story like that. That's not in the paper I'm a big hollywood wide type of doing. Okay. That's why I lost a hundred pounds. I give it to the wine hollywood They they provided the services. They got the pool the jacuzzi the steam bath That's why I started and I stopped snorting coke

That's why I sweat the coke out of my system. Isn't that why I'm saying give that why I'm saying a lot of credit In the same way and what does that have to do with lizard meat? Well, let me talk to you about this so When I moved To the valley I went to the one I wouldn't name the chick there. It's kind of cute. She's the one on the chubby side So you could tell she knows food. There's a husband's in jail. He's doing life Up in Sarasota up in Sacramento Now we became friends. She's very sweet

And I said, oh, yeah, I'm the transit to the wine door hollywood. She goes really And I go, yeah, and I go, you know what you work out and you go right around the corner And before I even said she goes don't take don't go to that taco place She goes they got busted about a year ago for selling fucking You know shoe leather and fucking lizard meat the shit that's how I check I check I googled everything There's no record of you pay it that goes away. She had the inside, you know, you got the inside they pay Well, this taco stand has the inside Maybe there's she had the inside maybe there's maybe there's

Something that if you don't get in trouble for three years it gets taken off your record or something So they can't hold it against you for new owner, but I hope not. That's the only thing I want the FDA So then when I came up here, I asked people then I get I'll go in there And if you go into that wall you feel like you're watching the shiny anyway Unless you're a fucking moron Right here in the corner when you leave going to magnolia across the dojo diner There's their pizza the Yugoslavian guy trying to make pizza They got a barber in there some guy cutting black hair, which is always a bad sign next to a dentist

How do you like have black hair next to a fucking dentist office? Then they got this taco stand listen to this deadly seven combinations. You gotta hear My friend's uh, brother, it is gross though. Oh my god, I didn't go to the barber place Show it's gross. That's after you poison your father. No, they put no they put I didn't go to I didn't kick him there I took him to the place that john bud got sick. Oh, Jesus grace that was months later That was like years later. So a couple months ago. He goes to a different place And guess what he took a picture of jitsa school today And he goes, where is everybody?

And they found out they all went there to eat which is down the block from the jitsa school school And a bunch of people got sick, but those are the least favorite spots because he yelps them And then I figured out what yelp is they put the malook on you They want you to go and get sick and shit blood for two weeks Forget I got food poisoning recently at my favorite sushi joint danger. Yeah delivered on a sunday night That's what you got for getting delivered. Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah, well, I learned it. I'll still go back You know what I mean, but what's your favorite? What do you get from sushi? What'd you get sick of that? I mean, I probably I have no idea. I don't know what did it but I know what you order? What's your course salmon ahi

yellowtail roll Sashimi ahi Oh, yeah, you went deep you went deep of course I always go deep they gave you something out of the mud And it's sunday. You never order sushi. I yeah because they get the delivery of of uh fish on thursday Yeah, so now that's why sunday is all you can eat there. Yeah, that's why I can't go anymore That's why suckers like lingo in there and they start scratching they have high penicillin levels They don't know what the fuck it is because you ain't sushi on a sunday the delivery comes on thursday and thursday Sometimes monday they only buy from japanese people and that's why they only buy from japanese fish people

So by the time sunday comes along they're waiting for guys like lee. Oh, oh, you can eat. Yeah Do us a favor It's like when you go to vegas doll sunday night for steak and eight eggs Yeah, you got a beer and you Look, we got him for fucking the steak. Well that steak was in the supermarket By you and boston and just before it went bad. They swiped it off the shelves. They dipped it in some fucking Wait, but if they send it out to vegas for gavones like lee and people we Had dollar 79 steak. Why don't you go back to your room and you wake up the next morning

You got a little diarrhea your asshole hurts your pelvis hurts. Yeah, you know i'm saying for two days The elbows are right Your elbows earlier, man. Yeah. No, my elbows are fine now. Oh that weed killed them That was the weed that killed canopy. Yeah, that took them to the next level of his fucking life Why do you store your weed with your toenail clippings? Because that's how you let weed meditate You know what i'm saying? It's not just toenail clippings. It's other weed It's aluminum foil I got a piece of nicotine coming there. You know what i'm saying? You got to dope that shit up. I gotta give it

Mix it up, right? Sure. No orange peel That's what suckers and we should do that back in the day. Don't drink espresso Yeah Where's your pizza place? I mean, you must be a pizza head. Where do you go for a good za? I gave up You gave up trying to find a good one. I gave up, you know what? I gotta go home november 8th right down the bottom goth Yeah, they got delicious pizza 50 yards I get two slices both nights and I get my fix for a year. Yeah when I go to jersey another slice a year six months later

You know here I go to this place a little canyon But if you got to eat the slice there god forbid see the thing in california can't bring the food home That's what that that's what the truth comes out You suckers in california to eat now. Let's take the half of it. Oh, no No, it's kaput's when you get home. You said this is fucking garbage Eat that shit then don't ever get sushi delivered again my son ever No, I learned god knows who's in that car driving, you know You know how dirty that fucking steering wheel is

Think of me and you think of me and you but they ain't cutting it up They don't have to cut it up. Well before they put it in they open it up. They look at it They rub your sushi get their fingers. They stick a finger of some other japanese person's asshole Then they rub it on your sushi. They take a piece. What do you know what they're doing? I don't you can't trust the guy who's cooking it now. You want to give that to an to a delivery guy And number two, you don't never take sushi home to go. I was gonna say I've been always eat it there Always he ain't no sushi at the house. I got to go breakfast in front of him two weeks ago

And I still I get in trouble every day for how retarded is he who goes out for breakfast to take it to go That's a good point. I I know it's it's it's it's it's absurd. What if it's a breakfast sandwich? That then you take it to go on the move. We see But this guy which you know, he don't leave the hostel too in the afternoon You go out for a nice breakfast to son is out. Yeah, enjoy the sun. Enjoy the vitamin d enjoy the breakfast Now him and his girlfriend walk out of that. They just robbed the joint With their eggs by the time you get home to bread sides It's a five-minute drive less listen, please let the mention you stopped at starbucks for your favorite already on the

This is what I had deal with you know what I mean There's a we like the breakfast, but we don't like the coffee sit down and drink the water And nothing worse than cold pancakes. That's for sure. Oh, no, we want those ice hot. Take your french toast There's no such thing as breakfast to go dog unless you're a communist Or you're on a move, you know, say you don't think I move but you got the breakfast to relax Yeah to be civilized You're gonna eat eggs to take it back to your fucking apartment to sit there in the dark To watch some fucking documentary on Netflix. I got nothing to do with you

It's the lords that you could be out flipping somebody making dough doing a podcast something You know me dog. I understand. I know I love it You can't fucking sit down the sunday with breakfast and fucking plastic containers. No You know that's the reason why you went out. That's why you're an american You want to eat breakfast in the cave? Go ahead go join ISIS You can eat breakfast in the cave with a bunch of people with stinky feet And then you have toenails in your fucking food too. How's that one lisa? You ever have a toenail in your food? I hope no. Have you all the time my own?

What are you talking about? It's a joke league. I get it Jay Larson, you're an interesting fucking cat man. You got the podcast with your buddy there from baltimore johnny baltimore You do stand up. Do you travel much? I try not to man because I want to be around the kids, you know But like I was gone this weekend for college gig then i'm gonna be gone friday night for all things comedy festival Then you're excited about the festival. It should be cool. I mean, it's one night, man. I Look at it. I'm in when you went around. I mean I did in new york

I was just there like my buddy owns a bar So I was out till four in the morning for a six a.m. Pick up but listen I go to fucking if I go to a festival this weekend. Yeah, my whole intention is to fuck burp up. Yeah Oh Oh, yeah, he's got till tuesday. I would crack him. I'm talking about speakers in this room Call them every five minutes. We have your children, you know the whole fucking deal Just to take him down the crease down the whole thing. What happens if someone falls? I don't know They're not gonna they're all supporting each other too much. No, they think good. He's good. But let me say something

I take my hat off to bergreicher. Yeah, and if anybody knows bergreicher You take the 30 days It's tough for him Yeah, it's tough for him. This is this is his lifestyle I've discussed this a thousand times. It's somebody's lifestyle. You know, I could get on a flight But I gotta eat an edible too. Yeah, I blast off on those planes. Sometimes I get so high. I wish the plane don't even fucking land Yeah, just keep going the two hours. I'm too high to fucking land. This is tremendous up here. I'm stretched out I gotta land and walk around

Fucking go do shit That used to be the best thing about flying is you could check out when there was no internet on the plane You know what I mean? You said no There was no reason to be in contact with anyone or anything and now like now people still have expectations for you to be connected But I'm trying not to be out of town man. I like to be home trying to write You know what I mean? If I get nice writing gig I can be in town Get the office down the hill. I get some days planned in november. I'm gonna build bunk beds for my son No, you're right for a lot of little shows in time and time. I've written for a couple

But I'm trying to get on one like I need something I need like a long term settle in being a room I'd like to learn a little more six years Nah, fuck that. Fuck. Yeah, I mean get me in there for six months Really? I'd like I wouldn't mind a six month gig and then learn a little and then try and go back out and sell a show Where then I've now I've had more room experience. You know what I mean? And you shot the special shot the special man, when'd you shoot it at the l-ray? No, shit. Yeah, I went all out dude six cameras at the l-ray

We had like 350 people each show It was nice for you. Yeah, thanks, man You know sometimes things happen for a reason brother. I think all the time. Do you remember? This was like, I don't know. Maybe Fuck, I don't know. Maybe eight months ago or so. We did Uh One of Ari's live shows up in the belly room and you were hosting for Ari You remember I told a story about my dad passing and then going home through all this shit

And because they wanted me to do it on this is not happening. Okay, and I was like, I don't know man I don't know if that's kind of story. It's gonna fly, you know with like that kind of crowd And I like you were hosting I'm like, fuck What's Joey gonna think of this story and you were fucking jam about it like that fucking story You know and you opened like you were oh, dude You're the only guy I know that can open a show casually with like a crushed story about like robbing jewelry stores in high school and shit So and I so I did it and then like they were saying they wanted me to do it on this is not happening And then I was kind of like, hey man, I kind of want to keep that story. It's like pretty personal

It's like a 12 minute story So I closed my special on it on that story and I was like, you know what? I'm gonna put it on my my name on my back No one else has it and now everyone like, you know, it went up like last friday So everyone that's been buying the special has been hitting me up and they're like Dude, like, you know, they like the special but everyone is like that story at the end is like Because you know people really don't do that on a special, you know, it's always like light and I'm like, you know what? I think this day and age would be nice to throw a little uh

You know a little heat there at the end Listen man, it's 2017. Everybody has the same formula. Yeah. Well, I first shot my special for siso Lee was there First show garbage. Yeah, I was depending too much on the comedy and the words Well, I sat down and they were combed my hair. I knew it already like I knew why I had bombed There was no there was no mistake. The material was well rehearsed It was cut down There was something missing me

Yeah, I was uttering words Dude, that's so crazy. I was uttering words. Yeah, it's the weirdest thing when you Are a stand-up comic and you you're uttering fucking words You you're just going through the motions. You're thinking of the words so much because you think the words are what's going to get And it has nothing to do with the words and this is why when a guy goes, hey Look at johnny bamboozle. He's a he's a great writer. Well That's great. Yeah, he's a great writer That's great because he's not performing. Yeah

There's a difference huge difference. It's fucking weird and I could tell Nights when I go up the stage and think about my words and I could tell nights when I'm like, what am I thinking? Who might johnny costan? Yeah, I'm no fucking perfectionist. Yeah, I'm there to say Perfectionless. Yeah, I'm there to say it. Whatever it comes up. Yeah, whatever comes up You know some nights, bro You're taking them to a certain direction and you have a joke from your first album You want to pump out fucking pumping that and it fits and it fits go sometimes you got to bring this back Sometimes you got to pull this out

So for the special the second time I said, listen, I'm not even going up there like a machine gun I went tell the story. Yeah And As I was telling this you did in a comedy club, right? Yeah, where'd you do? I've seen Chicago. Yeah, chicago. That's right That club is great. I watched it. That's a that small little stage. You're so into me And you know once I told the story it's like do it's like, uh Settling in man. It's like me saying come over to my house. Let's hit the bag. Yeah And just start hitting the bag. But if I go now, let's jump rope a little bit

Let's do some push-ups. Let me stretch your shoulders. You stretch mine. Yeah Let's unbox a little bit do some sit-ups and jumping jacks. Now you're warmed up Well, what you know say like now my car was warmed up might be saying that story and dog It's not like I was focused on that story a month or nothing. I was sitting there going What kind of story when I open up if I was in front of my family Right now if I saw my family After 20 years my mom's dead And my dad has been dead for 50 years and we were there for a couple hours talking

What happened to this guy? We're all going to talk about what happened to willy run Called you a willy ran. There was a do it the big dick. You know, we go on and we that's what I did I go, how would I tell my family after 30 years? What happened to Billy willy ran thing? Yeah These people want to know about willy. I love that and it was crazy because something talked me into Saying telling them about willy vandy. Whatever it was. I have no idea, bro. Yeah, but I slowed him down And the next special I'll shoot. I'm closing with a story. Why fuck around. Oh, yeah Why wait there and try to find it and go and if that last line really doesn't hit

If they don't it doesn't go in the mic, right? The fucking special shattered. So just tell them the fucking story relax Yeah, well, I closed my special on like a eight minute story and then I backed it up with like a 10 minute story So it was like two big chunks But you know, it's funny when I recorded it that night the first I did the first one and like It was great. I had a great response, but I didn't feel comfortable at all. There you go And you know nick thune he came up in the green room and he's like he gave he's like, can I give you notes?

I'm still like just came off and I go. Yeah go and he said this this this this and I was like, yeah, that's good I like that I like that he was like slow down and he goes one last thing I go, yeah, he goes take a giant shot before you go on stage And I did I took a monster shot of scotch and I just like I slowed everything down And just settled in and was like stop being precious with or anyway That's so weird that everything you were just saying was everything that went through my head I don't even remember feeling like that. It's so weird how you go from an open miker To like a seasoned open miker and then they classify you into emcee. I don't look at it that way

Yeah, I always look at it as time served. You know what I'm saying? Yeah And it's the answer always comes to you in comedy when you need it It's like life sometimes when you really really need that answer it pops up at the last minute At the last fucking minute Yeah, you're about to sign that fucking lease to move into the house You and your wife loved that house and in the last minute on the drive day, you know, you know what? So I made kosher. Yeah And two weeks later you got to report that the house got fucking tapped

Termites coming out the ass you want to last for a week on the third floor. Yeah, and you're like see that Something just didn't feel fucking right. Yeah, you get to a certain age that you know on the drive. Yeah, you know on the drive If it's paying for you for you to take the money out of the bank Yeah, don't do it. You know what I'm saying? Of course you do all those things and after a while you know, you know, when I was young I was like the Lee everybody If I made 400 I spent five Yeah, no shit. You made six you spent eight. Yeah, because you started that note at the bar. Yeah You know, you tab it up where does it happen? I gotta eat in my pocket. Why would I pay for a drink?

Let me tab it up. I'm not gonna give this bartender a dime of this money I'm gonna spend this on cocaine And then cheeseburgers over at the Berkshire diner after we snore coke. They'll fall in front of more It's crazy. I would have 500 in my pocket And give the bartender 30 or 50 I'll tip at the end of the night, but I wouldn't pay for the tab Then I come in there a week later broke and he go dog. What about this 200? God damn it. Listen, we run a little the 75 till next Monday It's it's the shit you do. Will I do that today? No way not a million fucking years

Right. Yeah, I just give the guy a yardstick and go Me and jay gonna pull up the body and tell me what that's done. Yeah, here's a 24 year time with that hundred done come back Yeah, you don't even want by he just wants ice cubes. I love that. They just want ice cubes So yeah, no You know, it's like what I said to you. We got children Yeah, you know, I learned the hard way my mother died didn't leave a will And then no sort of security know nothing You know, I think about your kids. Is this the move I make

Is this the eight g's I spent for this fucking stupidity? Or if tomorrow when I bend it over Shit comes out of my ass and I have a heart attack wouldn't I rather have the eight g's? No, shit. That's how you have to start thinking at a certain age. It's so fucking scary Yeah, you know 20 years ago if I had 8,000 I'd spend nine Yeah, especially when you want to leave some money behind because there was no You know, there's not gonna be any money behind from me. That's for sure You know, so it's like when I look at my kids. I'm like, uh

Not to mention like if they're gonna go to college what kind of dime we spend there So it's like, you know, you want to look at it and be like I want to set them up better than I got set up And hope that they think the same way if they have kids, you know You know, I didn't think like that in my 30s And I didn't think like that in my 40s either. You know, we always talk on the show how You see these people that have five you know, the IMDB and they got five motherfuckers on the payroll You know, they got a show for a while. So you got five people on the payroll on the IMDB. You got the lawyer The agent the booking agent publicist

It's a manager and the manager and everybody's getting 10 except the attorney's getting five off the top It's a fucking rape village And all of a sudden you go to your grandpa's house for a few days and he's looking through your things a certified cpa Whatever he's like, do you know what you spend in every month? Are you fucking stupid? Who's this? And you're like, who's You never look at things when you're old. Do you look at them a lot different? Yeah When you're 26 and you move to town and some show gives you 75 grand a week times 13

Oh, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, you spend every fuck. Look at look at this fucking kid. He's broke Yeah, how could this guy be taking people to court over his money The fucking dude pirate in the Caribbean Whatever's how can he be broke who giant up? Yeah, he's fighting people He's suing this guy mismanagement of money They stole his money. Did you see his expenditures every month? No What was it how much on wine? I didn't even hear about 200 g's a month on wine on wine

Deep into the murky waters. That's a collection right there on island You know houses all over the fucking world vineyards He just he had a racetrack as they were talking about. I didn't know he was from Kentucky Johnny Depp. Yeah, he's from outside Lexington. Oh my god. He's got a horse ranch out there that Man, if I was making Johnny Depp money, I would go 50 50 50 to me and then that's to cover all my steps for everything and then 50 They just goes away like I never had it. Well, the chick just sued him because he smacked a few times He had to be a bottle or something like that

And then she sued him and you know tried to take Doug stanhope to go out and Stanhope? Yeah, cuz stanhope stuck up for Johnny Depp How much how much dog? He spent three million to shoot hunter s. Thompson's That's why I told my wife my wife thought I was crazy show put that on the big screen for my man jay Why would they need three million dollars for that and then he spent two million a month On what holy shit? Let me tell you something his paycheck his paychecks from pirates Are ginormous. It's an amount that you and I will never see in a lifetime. I mean, I hope we do

I'm not putting the malook on you But we dream of shit like that. We go to bed and I go and I wish I had Johnny Depp money Just one of those the third one. I mean he did something he cut a great deal On pirates something fucking yank He takes home blood guts on that. Yeah blood guts I mean, I'll be straight up with you to make that kind of money It comes a certain kind of responsibility that I just don't ever want Spending his three million dollars to shoot

Hashes out of a cannon a dozen years ago and two million He spends every month with us. I hear 30,000 a month on fine wines 30 g Holy shit seemingly excessive multi-million dollar multi-home and multi-employed lifestyle which depp engages 30,000 of fine wine He's a sound engineer to feed them wines. So he has like a piece in this year Yeah It's like fucking I don't want to memorize this thing anymore Jeez

He's the real team man. You make that type of money That don't give a fuck about it. You know, he's a great actor. I mean, you know You got to have some substance to yourself in order to not need to spend all that money You know what I mean? You need something greater than yourself because clearly he doesn't have I mean, if you had that kind of money right now, would you what would you be doing with it? Do you have any idea what you would spend all that money on? How much would you be putting away? What would you be doing? Yeah, I know I have a good idea. I got nephews and nieces I would tighten them up with school. Yeah, you know, I've been tightened up my niece in school

You got to transfer to like a big-time fucking school get her a car You know shit like that. How about my family? I buy a fucking buy an apartment building You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, something that sets. No, I'd buy a rent I'd buy that Johnny Depper inch you buy it off of him Yeah, I'd buy the horses from him the whole fucking 25 cents on the doll get a little fucking action out there I'd buy a name but in Detroit That's what my kids are gonna live from in 30 years. Yeah, because in 30 years, it's gonna be a hopper name But yeah Detroit don't do something unless the Koreans get to it

first I don't fucking know Why wouldn't it work unless the Koreans shoot a fucking firecracker that Hey, so Let me do some shout-outs. I'm sorry about that Is it Detroit the way that the the city that they're attacking? I don't know. Did I say that? I just it's a joke. Relax. What's with the questions? fire goddess bet

top quality Tony stick trying Stick trying I like that name got second. That's how I was. I don't remember, right? Jimmy penguins Arnold Ramstead Joey Zaza tweets Nicholas Ortega and here he is the savage of the week Andrew Nondow

Holding it down up there in nyak, new york. I'm coming back cocksucker Don't bring the kettle bells to Manhattan. I'll strangle you Don't forget sadly at the ice house sold out. You're fucked up. You had a date. You didn't get the ticket soon enough Next week. I'm at the fucking funny bone in where am I? Oh my oh my hard Nebraska The home of Nate ellenberger. I spoke to him today to invite his family Also the week after that new york comedy festival Got them comedy club the 10th and the 11th your boy dean delray signed up So it's gonna be a banging fucking weekend

Get your tickets cocksuckers. Don't don't don't come to me laying at joey Is there a code? They don't code Unless you know fucking unless you know flags remember when we were kids everybody had flags and else You know s.o.s flags and shit. Why would we I didn't have those in case the koreans were coming You said somebody to the roof koreans again. Who's looking up in your room? Wait, what what signals did you know? I got this guy for the small 20 lives up there with the pigeons And he just said signals to people you just sending signals to the koreans Now when you joined the boy scouts or something when you were when I was a kid

He joined the boy scouts like there was something grab a school There was a course you took with two fucking like black flags You stood there like a fucking swedish man. Like what you're bringing in a plane No, like s.o.s Like if your building was burning or something like that, I don't know who fucked those How far did you go in boy scouts? Oh, I got thrown out as a weeblon. They can be I lasted three four days we blows early on I just it was just was

I was hanging on 148th street with three Puerto Ricans and six dirty iris dudes that we take over the fucking name But yeah, now you want me to hang out with six dudes with shirts on Skars on his shirts and shit. Yeah, try to light a fire. What are you there? Oh I didn't even dream of it. Like they sit there with the flint The whole thing mean why I got a lighter in my son I got this party stuff. No, no, it's against what the fuck against what you have to get the merit badges What fucking man? I got them. Where is he? He's over there, right? Listen, what do you want to do sitting here for two hours and huff and puff your lungs out?

Or I can light this up and we got a tick and everybody goes. Oh happy It's not called cheating. It's called america ingenuity It's a good point the fuck we got time to fuck around dog. No time for that shit. No, you're looking good jay lost them happy You put the special up and you got a fucking outlet for it and people listen Six bucks. You can't fucking lose. All right Jay larson's a fucking savage Of sorts a fucking animal I appreciate that short stories of shit. He delivered newspaper because he's solid

Lisa. Yeah, what's on your plans for this week? And I can just imagine I don't know. I'm not much anymore. So maybe I'll make another bet. We'll see what you win last night The dodgers win tonight I don't know. Do you want to check? No, no, no, just hit that. Please check We need to know that that's a fact. That's right, motherfuckers. I mean it was three two last we checked Oh, no, astros won seven to six. So we had the over Oh, shit. This turned into a banger 11 in one In 11, I wonder if kenly jancing had anything to do with that came in and gave something up

You know all about these teams and stuff. I mean, I love baseball. I love sports in general I can go I can talk any sport. You go to dodger games since you live here. I've been to like five maybe You're still a red socks fan. Yeah red sox fan You can't change you can't change your allegiances. No, I pull for the dodos for sure You know, I said nobody said anything about switching allegiances just because you move on here. You're still a boss Some people do switch allegiances. Oh people. Yeah, these people move on here Whoever was never winning. You see the cadastres there with a hat on yeah, right around the nicks of the championship They got new york nicks. They were dodgers same time. That's why they lost

See, I figured out because you're here watching again. You didn't watch the game They didn't lose because of that reason because if lee watches your game It's going down if lee let's pretend this weekend The fucking new england patriots are a lock, you know, and I know what they're playing at a certain time sunday everything's perfect They always beat up at this team if lee watches it on sunday either. They won't cover the lose outright He's one and five two. I'm not doing he's doing. What's their record? Oh the path's four and two. It's five and two five and two but they haven't covered three of those weeks. He's responsible for By putting the bed in he's responsible for those single-hand. You're sitting next to mush

Gammons, I mean you bet Not any more from time to time. I see something. I see an opening bam lands. I got like a savage I used to bet man. Yeah, me too. I used to bet as a kid too, but It's like again when you're stealing and selling coke If i'm stealing and selling coke, yeah, I'll put a bed in for a yardstick. Yeah walking on ice. It's not my money When you wake up at five in the morning And you got to dig a trench of shit. It's tough losing that. Yeah. No, shit When you get 80 a day and you lose 300 to the bookie you dig up you dig every day you work hard for a living

It's tough. Think of that motherfucker's money on a thursday. Yeah, there you go. Call me. Yeah, I'll call you cocksucker I'll call you a fucking uber the hell you fuck What's up, lee? Look at them. Don't lose that money. Lee put the video on about you getting fucked up. Lee it out of space Show my brother. Yeah, let me see that Is that what a fan made it and sent it in? Sure fan. They got thousands of did you tweet it or no? No, I didn't tweet I don't want to expose you. Oh, well, you just gonna show it on the podcast. Sure What the fuck's the difference it's your video I'm always amazed when like even fans over at the crab piece when they send things in you're just like man

You know like when was I ever doing anything like that like as engaged, you know Like that's one thing about technology nowadays people can be so engaged You know, oh, that was a crazy night This was like this was the uh That was mushrooms and you found the fish. We were deep this thing. Look at it. Jesus. Look at this now I don't even skinnier. Yeah, sure. Oh, yeah, that was a long time ago Look at his face. He looks scared. Now. Look at this guy. This is random mazio His father's the drummer from missing prayer. Look at Lee praying. Look at oh, shit

Poor lady. Look at him. Well, I saw this like oh, we gotta stop it. We either got up the out dosage I'm gonna pull it back. Oh, he's got the anxiety attack. He's like, what the fuck? Oh, I'm in there. I'm hearing things. Look at this He's looking around. He can't take it. Look. He's getting uncomfortable. Oh my god. Oh my god. It's killing me now. Look at his kids hand Lee doesn't look at look at this poor kid. Look at Lee's face. He's like stop waving your hand. You got me sick. Oh boy But he's smiling a little. Oh, yeah, he knows he loves all this shit Lee, let me tell you something man. When I came here at night and I saw what he was putting back I thought that's how he's gonna end up. So if you're putting all that back and you're just doing Look at his shirt. He puked on his shirt and everything. Look at teeth

That was mushrooms No, no, we eat that night. That was like when we did like the double dose. What are we doing? That was the night you did like He thought like it hit my lip or something. So you like come back and you did two extra drops And I fucking pure six seconds after the podcast was over Yeah, you you were definitely taking one on the chin that night. Oh my god Yeah, that was a deep assault gun. We get fucked sometimes. We get fucked. I don't even know when I get home I realize how fucked up I am

Then I lay down and put the sleep apnea mask on and then I start giggling And that's fucking crazy. I gotta take the mask off Then I got a pee then I gotta fucking Do it again, then I'll giggle again And the shit I giggle about Is stuff I haven't thought about In years, of course. Yeah, like it just comes out of anywhere Like a fucking it just pops out

You know what I thought about the entire ride here Senior in high school my baseball team we got to the semifinals on the state championship I didn't start on the team and we were losing so he put me into pinch hitting the last inning like you're a senior This is it for you And I had a 34 inch bat in my hand and this kid pitching like went on played d1 And he kept jamming me inside and I followed three pitches off in a row Inside and I'm like if you just had a goddamn 33 in your hand, bro If you'd had a 33 inch you might have got around on that ball and you it would have been a whole different story

The whole ride here and I can't ever go back to that joey I can't go back and get that a b again, but that's all I thought about the whole ride I couldn't get out of my head and I don't know where it came I think it was just because I threw on the world series and I kept thinking about that damn pitch I popped up to the catcher man Thanks for bringing it up, dude late night sometimes is when the shit comes into my head I don't even want to know what fucking demons crawling to your brain. Oh my god And it's when I lay down and I'm doubting my sleep

Like I'm the type of guy. I gotta force myself to go in there. Yeah, you know, I watch narcos Okay, I watch an episode next thing, you know, it's 215. Yeah, I know and I'm on episode four and I'm on fire Yeah, I'm going I got two more with me I got two fucking more of me. I'm one of those guys or I get to reading On the road. Yeah, I get to read it. I get it really high I go back up to the hotel room. I start reading. It's 230. I'm still reading That's not good. So I forced myself to bed. Yeah, I got my forcing myself to bed. It takes me an extra 20 minutes, but it clouds me down

And I focus on breathing out of my nose. Then I always think about something like the other night I thought about Being in high school, it was a cold fucking night and me Ferdy And this dude's thinking we're driving until the avenue and there was nobody out there There was ice out there and shit And we pull up to a fucking cop in front of us But the cop is doing like fucking 20 or something like that. What do you think Ferdy does? He pulls around the cop and well

Left hand side and cuts them all fucking cop girls and lights on We're not smoking. We're drinking with nobody's right those days. It really wasn't They didn't make a big deal of it. They didn't really you know, unless you were fucking lit up But I'll never forget we were standing out of the club. We're freezing And the cop was writing the ticket or he was talking to the other cop And Ferdy looked at us and went And he walked over to the cop and he goes, hey

How long is this gonna take dog? It's kind of fucking cold out here Give me the ticket give me the ticket, but why are you gonna leave me outside the fucking car for? And my heart just stopped And the guy goes, hey relax If you're cold go in the car pull put it on But it was the way he went up that I do. Yeah me and my buddy were just fucking howling Because he would say stupid shit from time to time Like I thought he was gonna tell the cop something six years because I talked to

How long are you gonna have us out here for? Well for since kind of fucking cold out here, don't you think? The cops just looked at him He let us go, but it was like a two-in-a-half fucking ticket in those days. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you hit him with like three fucking violations Well, I mean, what was he doing in the first place? I have no idea this poor kid Ferdy Lives on facebook and every morning he puts a picture up around him a row I haven't talked to him legitimately since

1983 we connected through his brother and then he said to hook up with him and stuff But we exchanged words one time. Yeah, like good words like I always think about and he goes so do I And then when I invited to a comedy show he didn't return the call Yeah, and I understood you know said and then when I go home I ask about him and they tell me that People bump into him and he won't talk to him You know, these are people that he lifted with every day for five fucking years and smoked dope with at night Interesting so he just shut himself down. Well, he lost like $60,000 right after high school gambling. Oh, man So, uh, he took it from there, you know, and he had to get three jobs to pay it back

In the meantime, he was hilarious when I went back He used to pick me up. He used to get like an eight ball of coke and cut it with like 10 ounces Oh, man, is that my nose making those little squeakies? I think it might be Is it or is it the chair? I didn't know what the fuck It must be dry out there. I gotta get more of that spray. Let's say I gotta go to doctor Yeah, that was good. I've been thinking about this recently. Do you how do you feel about blowing your nose in public? I don't give a fuck. I don't even I gotta breathe You know, listen, I'm not accusing you the podcast is freer, right?

Number two who else who else blows then those are funny from time to time nobody That's why this is a fucking podcast because it's live and in color. You smell farts You hear fucking those blows. They don't get to smell the farts Joey. No, they don't but whatever they still live it When you hear the fart you wait for it, right? If you're a fucking consumer you're home and you're listening to this podcast and you hear fart rip out from my little fat ass In your mind you by hearing that fart It's gonna make your nose open up like you're gonna want to smell it like I wish I was there smells something I want to smell something. That's what naturally fucking does no one wants me to smell your phone. Listen. What do you know?

There's people who pay people To send them underwears and to send them socks after they ran down the parking shit There's people out there that want to smell a good fucking whatever I thought about that. Yeah, you can sell your underwear online. Yeah, and your socks is shit. There's plenty people who buy that shit filthy Are you going to the road anytime soon jay lesson? Uh, where am I going? Where you going? I'm not I'm actually I'm going to uh doing a college. I'm doing that. Um Come and take it festival in houston in november. I think it's a festival. Yeah good people great people great bunch of kids that come and take

I do last year. Yeah, all right a lot of fun good people nice hotel Looking forward to it the best fucking food city in the country age town like a mother fucker What with some queso from fucking We're going down there in austin being fucking the christ killer We're gonna go sink that fucking teeth at the pop of does For breakfast and lunch, you know when you're in austin men and then our peeps are gonna pick us up and take us to fucking bobby sharon and crystal Or pick Lee up and take him to a nice fucking chewies

All right, I gotta hook up. I mean a great spot in austin called bought a cellis my buddy from chicago Italian place italian joint. I can eat italian here. They do a bought a celli, bro I'm just saying I don't want to eat italian food in uh In austin. Yeah, you got austin to eat the tax max dog and some pop of dogs Are you gonna tell you from down the corner? Yeah, I'm just yeah You're crazy. Yeah, I take back that offer anyway. No, you know, I love you know the fact But tell me there's italian hot beef That's what i'm looking for from chicago. Yeah, I don't want no fucking italian food

I don't want to give a fuck about italian food. You know italian food's a diamond doesn't um, I'm gonna stop what I'm doing We got down there right time when we pop of dogs. We go in there. We kill that motherfucker first You kill pop a little a little shrimp and cob a little shrimp and crab cob salad We got a little uh, what's the thing that comes with toenails? With with with the chefs cut their toenails in a gum boat With the bread with the butter telling about the little thing stop it I'm going right to chewies. That's okay. That's that's the whole thing. That's the whole fucking park Now you're getting case. Yeah, okay. So with the meat on the bottom

You got a swirl margarita from chewies if you go there on wednesday see this time when we land We're going straight to chewies for lunch And we're gonna get whatever what the fucking as a lunch. You don't even need the food Just a queso like I didn't even eat my lunch when I came We got a full on queso We're going to fucking chewies direct from the plane before the show that night. That's how we're rolling That's baller out of respect And my man daddy brown called the other day. He said that one rapper

Opened up a chinese restaurant in fucking austin So we're gonna eat some chinese food in austin too. That's how we're rolling to something rolling deep Listen, you ever want to come back and eat some of your friend in the show? I appreciate it joey. Number one Number two, where's the website they go get the jay larson comedy.com jay larson comedy.com six jay larson Comedy.com don't fuck around Six dollars get yourself a nice special. Thanks. Given's coming. You're gonna sit there your grandparents You turn jay larson on everybody's fucking happy. All right, and you support the cause he's got three kids

His grandma plays the piano, you know that goes Send him the small six. He ain't gonna fucking bother here, right? I appreciate you coming out Thanks for having me. You're my best to fucking Sickler, right? I'll have a great time down there. If you're not you guys not doing nothing Don't forget. He's down there at all things comedy. Stop by say hello. Tom. You heard him on the church You're doing a podcast. You're doing friends down there. Yeah, go stop it. What's the door? I don't know. I think it's $28

Listen support fucking comedy of phoenix this weekend. You know, I love you motherfucking animals. Don't forget If you're looking for the best supplements in the fucking market You know how I tell you people listen who also give you a 30 day guarantee on a product and you get to keep the product That's the proof right there That's the fucking proof. That's what audit believes. That's what they do That's what they do with alpha brain as far as fucking new moon shroom tech sport shroom tech immune the hemp force protein asai The hemp force protein cacao. You got to be fucking kidding me if you're not living with this shit

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With my man, uh dean del rizzi. All right stay black. Have a great weekend. Thank you jl arson dot com Thank you. Lee sian aka christ killer number one number two number three Have a great weekend Thanks You Oh Can you feel it Oh

I've seen your face before my friend, but I don't know if you know who I am I Saw what you did I sold it with my own two two eyes So you could wipe off that grip And the way you've been it's all been a pack of lies I can feel it coming in the air the night Oh

I can feel it coming in the air the night Oh Oh I remember don't worry Hey How could I have a case the first time The last time we ever But I know the reason why you gave me a silent song

No, the beauty for me The hurt doesn't show But the pain's to the rose So stringent to you and me And I can feel it coming in the air the night Oh Well, I didn't mean for this one for all my life Oh

Well, I didn't mean for this one for all my life Oh Oh Oh