Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #528 - Jay Larson
Episode Date: October 26, 2017Jay Larson, Comedian and co host of "The CrabFeast" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at... checkout. Â Recorded live on 10/25/2017.
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Wednesday
October 25th
The church to what's happening now
The Christ killer J. Lawson
And your uncle fucking Joey Diaz motherfuckers like this room up you cock suckers. Oh shit
What's happening you bad motherfuckers uncle Joey here direct in your car whatever the fuck you're doing
You're sitting on a subway. You're sitting on a bus. You're mowing lawns. You're doing time
I don't give a fuck welcome to the podcast my little brother J. Lawson today Joey. What's up sexy motherfuckers first of all
I wish I was mowing lawns right now shit me too old-school mowing lawns
Remember newspaper wrap. Yeah, of course. I did whatever happened to the newspaper wrap
No, I mean there are some people out there somewhere maybe that I got them
But otherwise everyone's just pulling it up on their ipad or on their phone fucking even when I was going to school
They had an old man doing it and I'm like a truck and that's embarrassment. That's embarrassing
That's a job for young kids an old man drops a bundle off on the corner
And the young kid gets down there before they steal his papers
Because in my neighborhood you better get up before I walk up sure because I'd steal those papers
Take them up to county boulevard and sell them by seas for 10 cents
Even though they were a quarter we would jack your shit up
We would jack you know that neighborhood
So I finally got a job like I was thinking about that. I took my daughter
You know when you sit there at those events like they're as boring as watching fucking cement
What the kids events like the kids shit sometimes. Yeah, you're like, what the fuck am I doing my life?
I'm sitting here for 45 minutes. I could I could be getting a handjob from some chinese woman
40 dollars or something like that
and I'm fucking
I go, what the fuck have happened to the newspaper around?
Dude, I did I had to do how long did you deliver the newspaper for I mean
I picked it up on sixth grade when my brother and my brother and sister had it
You know what they did in massachusetts if you had the newspaper route you did it for a certain amount of years
They give you a five thousand dollar scholarship to college my sister got it
So my mother was like everyone's doing the damn paper route
So then my brother had it and then I got it
But I remember when I was in sixth grade the two of them were in the Thanksgiving day parade
Or the Thanksgiving day show and parade so I had to deliver form
I didn't normally deliver form, but I knew the route because I'd help collect
So I go and it's all the circulars on Thanksgiving, you know for for christmas coming up
So papers thicker thick. Well, they deliver the papers in a bundle and then they had the circulars in another bundle
You had to put them in there. That's right
So I go out there and I realized I snipped the I snipped the thing for the circulars
And I realized I need to grab something in the house. I go in the house. I come back out
Yeah, you guessed it, bro wind had just blown the circulars over my whole fucking neighborhood
They were gone every circulate like you should see my lawn my neighbor's lawn and I'm sixth grade
I'm trying to collect them. I lose it. I just start like crying. I'm like, what am I going to do?
I got to finish I got I'm never going to collect all these and my grandfather
He was a baker in the town over at the bakery
He was done baking he pulls in the driveway and his linking continental it gets out
And he just starts laughing his ass off at me thinks it's hysterical
And I was like stop laughing at me and then I went in the house and he came and got me and said come on
Let's go and he drove me that morning on the route. It was the best ever. That's the best man
That's how grandfathers do
Pick you up and they drive you on the route and the Lincoln
Fucking delivering papers. I had a
Newspaper around for about a year. That's all I could take before you started swiping on the people and no it was really like
I really wanted around like uh, I didn't want to work for my mom no more
We got into an argument one day in the fifth grade
Fuck you fifth grade. Well, I'm never coming back here to load ice in your freeze and get the fuck out
You miserable. Fuck you and great. Get the fuck out of my bar. Don't come back
And I was like fuck you. I gotta got a job somewhere else. So my buddy delivered paper one ass
I'm like, oh no
What are you gonna do to get a job? You can take my fucking route. You know why he gave it up because winter was coming
Yeah, I didn't fucking see it coming. Oh
Oh my god, so I would get home from school at three
Cut the fuck. I would I delivered the afternoon paper
Oh my god, that's right. That's when they were they were dropping that uh afternoon things had changed, man
I leave at the I leave at my house at 3 15 and I get home
Just for dinner at six. How many do you remember how many papers are on that route 40? Yeah, it was uphill
So I had to go uphill all the way north bergen has this wheelie chief. You see it north bergen
Uh
Not dead man's curve. They call it some it's horrible
Yeah, karma and balsanos father lived on that hill and whenever we go to visit them there
You would just shit your pants. Yeah
It took me as a young kid. It took me two weeks to get in shape
To walk that hill. Yeah, but once I was walking the people were like god damn
My I come from I come from the second hilliest town in the country behind san francisco
I'm the only asshole decides to get a newspaper around. Yeah, and I swear to god. It was it was all slow
You know it was one of those slow
You're taking out. Well, did you have to walk because like yeah, you can't ride a bike and then no
No, so by the time you let your papers you had snow on them
You had to clean them off bring them into your garage close the garage
Dust them off totally. That's right break the fucking thing and then you put them in something
I forget what the fuck I put them in but this wasn't even around my neighborhood
Jay larson. I was a complete asshole
I like what are you doing a route in someone else's neighborhood? Yeah, I took the route. I took somebody's else
Somebody else's territory like the asshole that I had. Yeah, I just couldn't settle for my own neighborhood
I went I lived on 38th street and I went for a route that started on 43rd street
43rd street, you gotta be a moron to want to walk that hill
But I was so determined to get that fucking job
I took the fucking hill and then when I got that go, what am I signed up for?
Yeah, and brother I took it like November December January that first year and I had no idea
So now you deliver papers every day on thursday you collect
Yeah, and then whatever you don't collect on thursday, you gotta collect on friday
Do you remember how well and if you think back how weird collecting money was you had to literally go up to adults houses and be like
Hey, you got that money. You owe me, you know, I mean to an adult and sometimes you're like
I don't have or they don't leave it out. You gotta leave an envelope and you're like
Hey, man, like I shouldn't be coming back to you. Like you're an adult, dude. I'm in sixth grade. Where's the money?
Thought about what thought about what that experience taught you of course at a young age
You know how to approach people go up to the door
Knock and feel comfortable get bit by a dog and not be able to sue a motherfucker
Because in those days, there was no but where the dog signs
No, you either got bit by the dog and you went home and you got a tetanus shot or whatever the fuck they gave you
I mean it was fucked up
And that's what I'm saying. How they took that away from
Today's america. I don't understand how important that was for kids
Like I I could sit here and tell you now that it didn't mean nothing at the time for me
But now sitting here with you. Yeah, how important it is for a child to knock on somebody's door
And say good afternoon, mr. Marinelli. I'm here to collect for two weeks. How much is a week?
For 75 cents a week, mr. Marinelli. Okay, here's two dollars. Yeah
Yeah, and as they close the door, you're like you chief fuck
50 fucking cents. I hope your mother dies and you put your two dollars in your pocket
You walk away
Then you have like people's houses who give you like a two dollar tip
And then give you candy and a book and a hat and you're like, okay
Now I'll sweep for them or pull the garbage out for them. You had old ladies
We'll tell you listen on the way up get me a pack of cigarettes
You got that after six months. You started wheeling and dealing. Yeah, so I could wheel and deal after six months
But I had already I already had that flavor. You know, I yeah clearly
Guess where I got the flavor from from what I'm a Catholic dog
bingo, bitch
If you don't know how to work a bingo hall, you ain't shit in my eyes. Okay, where the fuck were you working at bingo?
I'm already new jersey a sacred heart school for boys
Sundays
If you had an a you fucking could work the bingo hall if I looked and what were you doing like bringing people's sodas and shit
Old ladies that's how you learn how to fucking work old ladies grandmas
That nobody talks to no more. They go to bingos on sundown grandmas
And you go up to me. Tell you bring me a coffee my sweet child. They touch your head
You remind me of my my nephew juniper, you know
He's a fag but you're the legit, you know, it was fucking crazy and they will let us work it from six to ten on sunday nights
So we got back to the dorms all the other kids were like, how much did you make and we're like
42 fucking dollars a piece come we were milking them. But then we figured out how to steal. Were you in boarding school?
Yeah, I was in boarding catholic boarding school. Oh, man, but then I figured we all figured out how to steal
So everybody was in on it. Yeah a bag of chips with quarter
15 we'd steal the thing and we'd chop up a dime a dime with a nickel those nickels
I had it up in this 400 women in the room. Yeah
I hear that man apples tea coffee milk
Sandwiches
Cigarettes you went to the store for cigarettes from that's where your gear. This was yeah, no kidding. That's where I can make
I'm gonna get me two packs of mom, bro
And you're in what grade?
Third fourth and fifth. Holy shit. Yeah, is that where you started complimenting women?
I can just imagine you complimenting these old no, no, you know, I already had the flavor dog by the time I got the
You know catholic cool. I know how to trick a woman
You know where it does though, it gives you like a normalcy of interacting with a dog
You know instead of like looking at adults like oh, I can't like speak or talk or communicate like you had to
You're like you're there. You have to like, you know
Interact no one interacts anymore. No one talks anymore
I don't want to fucking talk because everyone sits on a phone or a computer
I would like to start something where kids like in my neighborhood where kids would have to sell something
And the parents should all get together to buy it and support this and at the end
We could chip in for like a disneyland trip for the kids in the neighborhood and call it something
Yeah, because I think the kids are lacking that that's a I fucking
You know, my daughter's four and a half
I understand she's four and a half, but it's like this things I talked to her about
That's it. They just go right over the fucking head
I was like what but
I'd love to be a fly on the wall in those conversations, you know, man
My dad died when I was three and I got really tight with my mom
And my mom's world became my world and she didn't believe in babysitters
So she would take me to the bar with her. Yeah, so I kind of had a grasp
I didn't know work or anything like that. Just like like today. I was leaving person because you're gonna work. Yeah, she goes, huh
She doesn't know the concept of death of the four and a half. She doesn't have any idea what the fuck we do
Well, I tell my son he goes money. Yeah. Oh, well, no kid
She takes the quarters off my desk and put some of the jar
You know, she's got like a hundred thousand dollars in quarters. Yeah and dimes and shit somewhere
But it's just I don't know. I thought I was
Dude, I just you know, I started doing this is 12 year old in my neighborhood
And it's my buddy's kid and they're like, he doesn't have a job
He doesn't have a job his sister's 17 doesn't have a job. They don't have jobs anymore kids don't get jobs
So and they told me that he wanted to get a skateboard and they they're like, you know
So I went over the house with my kids and he's like playing with him and hanging out and he's way older and I go
I go, look how great he is just hanging out with the kids and she goes
Well, I told him I'd give him a couple bucks if he hung out with the kids and I go
Why is he trying to get some scratch and she's like, yeah, I go
Why doesn't he come over to my house seven to eight when I put the you know
I have a two-year-old when I put her down
He can hang out with my son
Skateboard and they can like play and stuff like that and I'll pay him 10 bucks and she's like, oh, that's great
First day 15 minutes late
And his dad drove him. He lives less than the 16th of a mile
Second time parents drove him every time I did it four times with him
And the third time I'm like, man, I come out from putting the baby down. I'm like, oh, they're really quiet
I start doing dishes to get the dishes done. I go in the living room and he's shown the kid fucking snapchat shown
I go, I go, hey, dude, you're here for an hour. You can't figure out something other than snapchat
I go put that away go outside and skateboard
10 bucks an hour, dude
You try they had no work ethic
I don't know they've never had to work. I don't know they get the money remember like when we were kids
You wanted a buck you had to go earn a buck
Lemonade stand selling papers or stealing in your case stealing papers, man
We used to I did that shit 20 years ago
If I was walking and I busted into like if somebody and I put a quarter in
I always took five papers
Give went to lease. I went to the old lady next door. Yeah, tell somebody I bought this for you. Really? Yeah. God bless you
But you know, we are missing that human contact in children
And I didn't think I knew about the newspaper out the newspaper out thing bothered me. Yeah, because I believe
again, but again, you know
You shoveled driveways
Fuck yeah, and when it snowed you pushed fucking people out and shoveled that was an extra hundred dollars in my neighborhood
Just hang out with gloves a rope
And a shovel and a hat and a sandwich in your pocket
With fucking hand warmers and see what happens. See what goes down
For sure, man. That's how you do it these coasts my fucking snows a foot and a half
You're out there with a shovel. You're you're just walking. You're you're just a no bad. Hey, help me. All right
Bye. Bye. Hold on. I got rock salt in my pocket. You feel lucky day. You know what I'm saying? Bye
Can we get a 20 dog? Boom. I'll give you 15. I gotta get gas. No problem. You just picked up 15 bucks
Yeah, easy that's listen. That's
That's the lifeline of kids
But that's what in your neighborhood everyone was parking on the street. Yeah
Street and garage in jersey street and garage, but still don't know those fucking streets
It's a
Even given on terrace where I grew up was this
Yeah, steep
So, uh, you know, you got a shovel the fucking a foot and a half my eighth grade year
We wouldn't have graduated till like june
Dirtiest because it was the worst snow year ever
I must have made a hundred thousand dollars shoveling fucking snow. You didn't get him
If he sits still I'll get him. He's annoying
Do I tell you I got this little bathroom in the back. Lee. I took leave back there yesterday
Oh my god, I got weed everywhere back there
So I noticed whenever I take a ship back there because I opened up the back door. Yeah, it's beautiful right out to the yard
My little bathroom. I got weights. I got a jump rope back there. Hopefully no one's ever looking over your friends
I got fucking 20 pounds a week back there man. Yeah, like and
So I know this today. I noticed a couple weeks ago that flies go in there
And they don't die, but they're like last glad
They're like what's that word ladder gaysicle lack of days. Yeah, like they're all fucking retarded
They live in the shower tubs. Like I'll be taking a shit and all of a sudden one will be just walking
In the fucking thing
So today I opened up weed and I smoked some I then put the cap back on it
So when I came in there tonight, I went to pick up the cap and a little fucking fly flew out and he just
He's all banged up. I think they're eating my weed in there
They get a little fucked up and they just fucking computes
But I smoke a lot of weed in that room. Sometimes I open the door at night. I don't open it
I don't want to open up the back doors in case the boogeyman's out there
I don't open up the back. Wait, is this just a freestanding building? No, no, it's our house. It's attached to the house
But I have an office and behind the office attached to it. There's a bathroom with a shower tremendous tremendous. I love that
I could live like jungly bananas back there. I just don't I got some clothes back there
If I take an emergency shower in shampoo, it's the strongest shower in the house
But it's so strong that it floods
Oh, really? Yeah, it's like 10 minutes. I gotta I gotta get out of it
Yeah, I go to Vegas with that type of pressure. I get a fucking two three xanax. I go in there for an hour bang one out
shave
You just sit on the floor and get fungus on your ass cheeks when I go to the south point
That's what I do. They got that shower with the three things blowing that yet once
They got water connections in all directions. I just go in there put it all on hot
Ghosts smoke the vapor pen
Papa xanax and I crawl in there and I just sit on that little fucking thing with my leg up
With my leg up like fucking Liberace without a faggot. You know what I'm saying?
We had a kid grow up across the street from us who had a shower like that in his house
Tony LeMay and they came in and they were like, you know, like they came to our town like from another town
We're like, who are these people that have this money?
You know, I mean they had money and his dad used to like sell he had like a liquor store that's
And they were selling kegs to underage kids and he got shut down
Like he had a silver keg from budweiser in the house
Like as a gift for like selling the most, you know, you got that from youtube
He got like one of those from budweiser and we were like damn and then they got shut down son
Fucking kegs delivering those kegs keg parties, man. You don't see that anymore
It was last time you went to a keg party
Knowing you who knows that two days ago. No 19. I don't drink beer. That's the fucking weirdest thing
What time I went to a party then I ain't gonna tap and that was pretty fucking good. Yeah, I ain't gonna tap
I like I think I'm bottles too
But fucking I ain't gonna tap this deli so so it's always been my dream to have a like a full like a bar
I want I want that soda gun ever since I was a kid and my dad worked in nightclothes
I want that soda gun like it's
It'll be Diet Coke, but
Everyone is diet. That's all I'd want but that's uh, that's the dream. So you grew up in Boston
Yeah, just outside outside 15 minutes north. How far from fuck over here. Where'd you grow up Sudbury Sudbury, dude
I was so
We're probably 40 minutes. I grew up on stonem. Oh, okay
Jesus Christ, did you do comedy back then my brother? No, I started in LA
I had no idea man. I moved here in 2000 just to like write and act and then in 2001
I started stand-up over doublance
Matter of fact, you ready for this? I got my sag card in your movie
Really in fucking longest yard. Yeah doing extra work my boy adrian culp
you know adrian used to work over at happy madison
And he was like, hey, I can get you like extra work on this if you do three days, you'll get your sag card
I'm like, all right sag eligible. I didn't I didn't go full tilt and you know, I mean
I was like, let's just wait till I need to pay that do
And started stand-up. Where'd you work? Where'd you work at the football field, man?
In redondo beach. Yeah, wherever that was. Yeah, that giant place kept moving us. You guys were out there doing your thing
Was I there? Yeah, I think so
That was a long fucking time ago. I mean that was like what oh two or oh three oh four oh four
We started shooting that movie
In july of oh four and we wrapped in november
Oh, wow, I wrapped all the way to the end late. They wanted to break my balls
So I shot the last night. Oh man me loba
That's crazy
You were there for the the rap the producers really that that fucking one guy his attorney that doesn't
Isn't partners with adam no more. Uh-huh. He did not dig me
We went out a few times
Who doesn't love joey ds, you know
He was a fucking gambler
And I was break breaking his balls like one day he asked me about these pricks like a dog
If you picked that you're the other kiss of death
He's like fuck you and then he lost now. He really got mad at me. Yeah
And then we banged it out one time
But they sent me to the doctor and shit and then when I went back to the set to like listen
It's none of our business. We gotta stop snort and block with all this shit like they just tormented me
I was like you motherfuckers. This is none of our business, but
We're gonna make it our business. Yeah, it was it was weird and then it all started out great
They hired me for the extra time. They only hired me for four fucking wings. Yeah
Then they were like, but you're one of the main dudes. Yeah, then they go, but they were gonna do something different
I was gonna get hurt or something happened being something that they changed it
And once I did the fact I seen when I was in the thing the Diet Coke, they were like, no, give him the 17 weeks
So I was like, okay, so I was on my best man. You were not complaining with that. No, I was on my best behavior in
New Mexico. I was when I came home. I started slipping
New Mexico is nothing. I only went off the reservation one time. I think those six weeks in New Mexico
But besides that I was pretty good in New Mexico. Yeah, you know, I just wanted to make a good impression
Oh, yeah, I didn't get hired during the week. I was like fucking
I think it took me three weeks to finally snap on a Friday night. What do you mean? What'd you do? I got a package
Sometimes you gotta get a package. Yeah before you went to set
No, I mean that night. Oh, well then what's the matter? I would never get hired to set. Yeah, then what's it matter?
I'll smoke. I'll smoke dope like a motherfucker. Yeah, like a motherfucker on a set
Cocaine's a different level. Yeah, I do a line of coke. I ain't going out there
I ain't going out there
Have you ever been too high to like do your scene or have they ever had to like
Give you super strength eye drops or something. That's what I always think when people talk about actors being high
When we did the turkey scene
in the longest shot
That was legitimately, you know how actors are fake and go my god
We shot this movie wink wink and the green was going around like those
That day we shot that on the set. I can admit this to the fucking world now
We probably had a pound two pounds of weed on the set that day
Because I had a pound on me myself
You know, I I never made that kind of money on the movie
I mean I so I was showing up to buy it when I used to buy a 20
Now I was just getting eight ounces and just give me eight fucking ounces
Now I was coming home. I had like in the bag and I had we lived in a one
bedroom apartment apartment in hollywood and there was no closet and when you walked into that there was a garbage bag
At one time that had the half pounds in there
Oh, man, and then some guy came to me and I bought a half pound and I smoked it the weed was so fucking dynamic
So I said wait a second. You know me. I'm fucked up. Let me take a regular joint
I took that same weed and I took it to my friends over at 1440 and laying on them
And I left and came back and they had smoked half a joint
And you should have seen what their living room looked like they used to order from pinks
They must have spent $2,000 on
Just off that I walked in and I was like what the fuck happened guys. They're like whatever was in there
Fucking my my girl from passed out. I'm fucking high
We had a order from pink to have meatball sandwiches turkey sandwiches. He goes
We just got every sandwich was so fucking hungry. Oh my gosh. I was like, yeah, this weed is really fucking good
So I took it to somebody on the set the next day. I go dog. Listen, you know me
I know you're a professional and I know that I would never bother you because a certain individual
Was smoking bloods and they were doing 25
Yeah, all right. They were doing 25 of them
Nelly
Nelly, you know fucking Nelly smoked so much pot in this trailer that when we move locations
They gave the they gave his trailer my mistake the buffalo bill
The guy that played the quarterback on the other team bill or whatever
He fucking went to the executive producers and went nuts. That's not my trailer
It smells like marijuana in there my clothes went there for two minutes
I gotta get them all dry clean now. It just reeked
You know, Nelly had six gorillas with him. Yeah six guys that were six four
280
And everybody had a blood there at all times. Yeah when I met Nelly the first week. I had no idea
I thought he was really a rapper
He was so built
His eyes were always clear
Within a week once we got to them. They told us do not smoke in the prison in New Mexico
That lasted a day
Yeah, that was a day because he was just smoking all the time me too
Yeah, well, I was right there by the guard post
And I would walk 50 yards in in front of I would stand in the middle of all the trailers
So they really know who the fuck was smoking. Yeah, and I would smoke out there in the mornings and I would look up
And who would be walking at me with burnt rentals
And it'd be cold in New Mexico in the morning should be fucking freezing
Like the floor would be hard. Maybe a little bit of uh frost. Yeah
And so they call us at 5 a.m
We wouldn't do dick till 10. I know
We wouldn't do dick till 10 wait wait, man. We would get the tattoos
Fucking come to the room give us juice take my blood pressure. Oh, they had me on the program. They were watching me like a lock
Like you were first around traffic, man. Oh my god. They were watching me like a fucking hook
I'm sorry guys. I can't breathe my fucking allergies and that spray don't work
That uh, I can't use the nasal spray. I had surgery to stop using the nasal spray. What do you mean?
Yeah, because I got hooked on that nasal spray for like six years
It's the worst disease you could ever get hooked on yeah
When you can't breathe, you know, so I gotta go see it. I gotta make an appointment
Maybe see a fucking more friday morning when it ain't 30
All right, so wait, what happened what happened with rentals rentals? So rentals would stand next to me
It was I would be smoking
And it would be like me at that time
You know the Adam Sandler guys were always getting high
Yeah, I would bump into them but that early would be be by myself
I would stand there was an air conditioner in front of the trailers and I would stand there
Because it was making noise and if I heard something I could always move away
And if it was somebody cool, they go hey you motherfucker. It's six god damn in the morning. Yeah
But rentals will come up to me stand next to me
Go it's a beautiful morning, isn't it? You know like something like that and then I'd be smoking the joint
And I wouldn't even say nothing professionals don't say dick
I would just tilt the joint his direction
There was days he wouldn't even touch it. He had his gloves on he would just tilt his head
And you would hold it there
That was it
So when we did the turkey scene in LA
By that time everybody knew what was going on. We were moving fucking pounds on there. We were fucking gambling
The wrestlers listen, I was doing nothing compared to the wrestlers and I've said this a thousand times
And I want to go on steve awson's podcast just to say it one time
The wrestlers the first three weeks
Were me in 1983
Yeah
Just doing it all first off it was an indian fucking hotel. There was a guy there when you first checked in
There was the indian guy that you played the flute there. Okay
Oh
You're watching indian movie like the outlaw josey wales
Everywhere he goes you hear like a little fucking oh, yeah
They had the indian playing the flute at the hotel
The wrestlers got drunk one night picked the guy up threw him out no more indian with the flute
Listen to me dog. Listen to me. The bar was fucking small
It was the bar at this hotel. How long were you out there for?
Six weeks six weeks seven weeks something like that, but the bar at this hotel
I'm not even making this up
Was where your hand is to the thing. Yeah, it was built for two people had a little tv
And at night they just pulled like a little gate. Yeah, they put like a little padlock on it
And they put the bottles in the thing
Wrong answer the wrestlers ripped the gate
Climbed in there took the booze out. They called the cops adam came
Everybody's got taken care of about a week later two in the morning here
They opened up who is it they're like it's me. Who me and it's like the fucking line coach
You know the guy that was in charge of doing the diagrams for the football plays
He also worked on deniro pechino's movie
But he wasn't on camera. He was just the guy that was he was off camera, but it was him harvey, you know, uh, steve
Whatever whatever I just said it was him steve austin steve austin
You know, uh, the guy from the man, uh, hawk seahawks
Oh, seahawks. Yeah, the guy that the bosworth bosworth. Oh, that's right. It was like four white dudes
You know, like another wrestler a big guy the big guy the guy that's
Six foot eight the indian dude. No, no
Undertaker no, no the white dude that was also he does a lot of movies now
He did the movie with gabriel about the strippers
John Cena
No, I just flew with him
I heard first Bert told me I didn't fuck that shit
When you came out and he said on his podcast when I did it and you come out and you go
Dog you go your dad sitting next to John Cena's dad and even though no his dad didn't even know
The guy that played video games in the whole fucking fight
So one night I hit his knock on my door
I opened the door and it's like fucking. What's his name? He's like, hey
I need what's in your refrigerator
What are you talking about?
Well, you're accusing me of being fat like what am I the guy in fucking full metal jacket? I stole a sandwich
Yeah, he goes no, let's take the bottles
So they took all my airplane bottles, you know when you check into a nice hotel
You open up the refrigerator. They got like 19 airplane bottles mixes. They took everything
The next morning I was like, what's going on? They when I paid a man
Somebody gave me like 60 bucks and that was it and they left with everything with the fucking pineapple juice
The gin what because they had flushed out their rooms. They locked the fucking bar
They were locked the bar at 12 and then now they fucking
wrestler proofed it
Because they couldn't get in the fucking thing. Yeah, so now they were out of booze at this time that
Santa Fe, New Mexico is not a nightlife type of town
No, yeah, it's not like no, I went to the strip club one night and I was like, oh
my god
Oh my god, it was that bad. Yeah, you know, uh, there was a club in town at that time
This is 2004. There was you know how many comedy clubs there were
Zero. Oh, you know how many comedy you did you think you how many people knew about stand-up comedy?
No
Yeah, it's where a pretty woman lives. Oh, really? So you need dough to live there, but they got a motherfucking dunking donuts there
That's my shit, son
I wouldn't even drink the coffee on the set
I would take my own car
D&D donuts
The donuts suck dick. Wow. Come on. Those are my I mean, but those brazilian bowl
That brazilian bowl that that listen you go any dunking donuts. They got the regular coffee
Now the regular coffee is for soldiers and death
Like if you walk into center level, you're like, let me get a large coffee and shit
That motherfucker got two cartons of red marble somewhere. Totally. He's throwing down today. You know what I'm saying?
The check just got there
You ever see those big center level of course. Yeah, you know how long they'll jack you up for Lee
Do you have any idea what a cup that big and there's motherfuckers and that's my witness right there
How many I believe motherfuckers in Boston, you know, I could drink one of those with a cup of cream and a ton of
I don't know anyone who's getting seven alone coffee. No, no, no
So, uh, uh, but uh, uh, Dr. Donuts in Boston, you grew up. Yeah, but how many motherfuckers could drink those larges and and that the
Fuckin macatastatino drinks. Yeah. Yeah, I'm talking about let me get let me get a black
regular
But they get the large even the people at Dunkin Donuts go
You know, Dave the little Hindus are like, oh, no. Yeah, because a lot of Hindus own them now
They panic when you wanted a big coffee now
They have a new coffee 7-Eleven
awesome
Dunkin Donuts
They when 7-Eleven came out were Brazilian bold and leaked that ices was drinking that
Somebody had a topple that shit. So Dunkin Donuts came out with a dark bold coffee
Good
Yeah, it's just what hardcore you just just drink eight ounces of an attend and get back to me tomorrow at
Two in the afternoon when you're doing push-ups
Backflips and you're wrestling with your kid the Brazilian bold, huh? If the Brazilian bold is 7-Eleven
Dunkin Donuts came out with the answer
They were like, we got some shit
Yeah, they came out you want to fuck with me. You really want to fuck with that coffee then, you know
It's the medium one
So next time you go back to Boston, you see a nigga knows pull over go listen. Joey Diaz sent me
Don't give me the regular death
Yeah, I want this shit that the nazis drink before they let the town on fire. You know what I'm saying?
Lord, wait a minute. Are you you're so you're dunking donuts, dude? You know what man? I uh, he's not a coffee, dude
I'm not a coffee. I mean, but I mean the donuts you didn't like the dough. I mean, you know what?
I grew up on one glaze one chocolate glaze and a hot chocolate. That's that's the kid at dnd
Oh, yeah, that's dude. I just had that minus the hot chocolate when I was home
I got out of the airport doing a college gig my buddies picked me up
I stopped at the dnd in the airport. I got a chocolate glaze and a regular glaze. That's all that's the classic combo
Let's be honest here. I like the ball a glaze is the glaze is the glazed no
Really dunkin donuts is the best. I love dnd's glazed and my grandfather had a bakery growing up his he called a honeydip donut
Yeah, honey. Well remember honeydew the one thing though. I do. I do
What uh, crispy cream I got when it's hot that I think that's the best one
To be to be fair, but it's a good donut about about
Dunkin donuts they went down ever since I left they started adding like sandwiches
Like they they're doing the same thing starbucks is doing and they had like lunch food that militant egg
All they know I can't believe you people eat that egg and think that's a real fucking egg
I grew up on the on the bacon egg and cheese so from where dunkin donuts
Oh, you're gonna go to hell
Hey man, that was my plate. Let me tell you something bacon egg and cheese from dunkin donuts
With that cook and he's got to make sure he's a felon if he's making that bacon egg and cheese
You're fucking central nervous systems
That's why you haven't kicked a bucket on all these animals
Those egg and cheese. Yeah, there's a young man from dunkin donuts are keeping me alive
But please people at home don't eat those egg sandwiches if you don't see the yolk don't fuck with those people
Don't fuck with those people. Yeah, if I don't see the yolk, I don't eat your egg dog
Yeah, I don't want to eat it. I know what a scrambled egg looks like
I'm cute, but I grew up on scrambled eggs like a motherfucker. You understand with what ham or something
Rice scrambled eggs with rice, huh?
Damn, damn
That's some shit
That's 20 pounds and if you go real deep with the cubans, uh, they come out with the white rice
A steak cut up
They put two egg yolks on top of that and you slice through when you're there
The yolk breaks on the rice and the steak. You know what your dick looks like by 11 o'clock
It looks like a fucking sledgehammer of debt
You understand because you already beat it the dead nine times
Two egg yolks and the steak for breakfast when you're fucking 13. Good lord. What do you think happens to you as a child?
Your expectations are through the roof
I want a steak and egg every morning
That used to be my play like when I was like 25 26 steak and eggs because it's the cheapest steak you're gonna get
You know, I mean it's costing seven bucks for steak and eggs at cafe 50s on Lincoln
And that's that's the way I used to roll with some with some fucking white toast white toast with butter that fit hash browns
Throw the steak on top of the fucking
Uh, toast make a little sandy while it's none of the while it's waiting. Oh, yeah
Are you preparing a thing and butter your fucking?
You butter your toast you put the steak on top of let the grease from the steak zipping to the
Then you take the steak i'm cutting up and you get the egg yolk put it on the bread bite. Take a piece of meat
Yeah, man
That's now you gotta eat good in the mornings. I I tell you I'm a steak and uh breakfast guy from memies
The best steak and eggs for breakfast in this area that I would drive to his memies in glendale
It's off. I'll tell you how good it is. It's off the menu. It's off menu. Uh
I've been waiting for it all week because Duncan's coming back to town
Well, there's one already on the west side. Where?
And a gg a memies. No, I thought you just said dunking donuts. No. No. No. No. No. I'm talking about dunking
He's talking about dr. Duncan trussell. Duncan trussell's coming. Oh dunk. Yeah, I know. Yes. He's driving cross-country, right?
He's driving. He's dropping the hippie off at a commune. We were howling on the phone today
But when I told him I said listen, what are you coming? He goes I should be there monday. I said so that's it
He's the one him and my uncle turned me on to memies
Memies is in glendale in front of toys or us and cosco
What's the deal with it? It's a hidden fucking treasure
It's a hidden treasure
You just can't go in on saturday and sunday because people go to church. Oh, yeah, people go to cosco
But I'll beat you down a fucking wednesday at 10 living like fucking liberace
The place is empty. You go in there for starters. You say keep the bread
Bring the carrot cake
Oh, that's that come out with a whole loaf of carrot cake sliced thin
These little pieces and two little tubs of cream cheese
Or butter whatever you know man cream cheese. No, listen. I'm throwing that shit dog
Don't you think you come at me with cream cheese and carrot? Can I can't handle that? I'm saying to you
I'm saying to you don't come crying. I mean when you gain 30 pounds in the month of december
Don't call me go joy. I went there three times a week and I don't know what's going on the scales line to me this fucking fly
This cock suck you must have had some hummus. No, I didn't have no hummus. He got stuck in the fucking head do
Let me tell you something my plate because when I was a kid my nana would always make date nut bread
Oh, shit. She would make date nut bread cream cheese cream cheese dude
So now when I go to like coffee shops and I order like they'll have
Like banana bread
I'll get I go. Can I get a banana bread and whatever coffee I'm getting I go
And I'll go do you have cream cheese and they go, yeah, I go all right
I'll take cream cheese and they'll go for what and I'm like for that banana bread and they're like
Oh, I've never tried that. I'm like you never had like that's the only way pumpkin bread zucchini bread whatever it is
I'm a cream cheese dating that bread. What's the shit man? That's all I do with cream cheese
Oh, I do it. I don't put no cream cheese. I'm banana bread. You lost me there
You gotta get back on board, but no, I like the they don't even make date. No one makes dating up bread
That's what I'm nearing heart of it. Pepper's falling. Well, we were kids pepper
Well, my nanomated pet dude, it's like basically like a banana bread, but they yeah, we gotta write a petition for bell
Yeah, we know the dates make it sweet. Listen. I hit 70. I'm just gonna go for it
600 700 pounds. That's oh, yeah, that's the way to do it. If you make it to 70
You just start pouring that fucking cream cheese on that cream cheese
What do you like though? Do you because there was the temti you remember temti cream cheese? I'm a philadelphia
I'm a phil, I like opening it with scratch. Listen, if I come to your house
And it's old like you already opened it. I'm gonna send your kid to the store to get another container in the box
Yeah, I'm one of those dudes
I want to see it open. I want to see you open it from scratch. It's fresh. I don't want no misunderstandings
Yeah, what do you mean misunderstandings? Yeah, my wife just bought. I don't know. I don't know your wife
I know you I don't know what the fuck's going on these
I don't know how long it's been sitting in there. You know what I say
Let's go get a new tool. Where's the kid? Where's the kid with the fucking skateboard?
Yeah, you need to call him up. Come here. Go up to the store. Give me a little tube of fucking cream
You like the box? Yeah
Yeah, the philadelphia
Then you slice it like that
That's why it goes bad. Listen to me. Oh, there's a fucking trot away
You know what I'm saying? You find something. Yeah, I'm gonna throw something else a cream cheese at you in a second
My there's something my nanny used to make grilled cream cheese sandwich
Is that a grilled cheese grilled cream cheese?
But do you put another cheese in there or just straight up? No, dude. Just cream cheese butter on the outside
Boom boom in the pan. It's insane. See, I can't even do crab rangoon. I don't say crab rangoon is my shit, son
I can't do it. I don't like I like cream cheese on bagels and that's really it
I'll put cream
But you're going to listen to me those shitty tacos listen to me
Well, he friend, you know anything he picks you gotta be well, I rather than yelp
What do you think we think yelp is it's people who had a bad experience
Now they want you to have a bad experience. No, so they say the place is great all the tacos
You know what I'm saying? Don't worry about the tail it comes
Don't worry about the lizard meat
He claimed
Grilled cream cheese claim that when he moved here someone told him that a taco place next door got busted for selling lizard
It's the only new story like that. That's not in the paper
I'm a big hollywood wide type of doing. Okay. That's why I lost a hundred pounds. I give it to the wine hollywood
They they provided the services. They got the pool the jacuzzi the steam bath
That's why I started and I stopped snorting coke
That's why I sweat the coke out of my system. Isn't that why I'm saying give that why I'm saying a lot of credit
In the same way and what does that have to do with lizard meat? Well, let me talk to you about this
so
When I moved
To the valley I went to the one I wouldn't name the chick there. It's kind of cute. She's the one on the chubby side
So you could tell she knows food. There's a husband's in jail. He's doing life
Up in Sarasota up in Sacramento
Now we became friends. She's very sweet
And I said, oh, yeah, I'm the transit to the wine door hollywood. She goes really
And I go, yeah, and I go, you know what you work out and you go right around the corner
And before I even said she goes don't take don't go to that taco place
She goes they got busted about a year ago for selling fucking
You know shoe leather and fucking lizard meat the shit that's how I check I check I googled everything
There's no record of you pay it that goes away. She had the inside, you know, you got the inside they pay
Well, this taco stand has the inside
Maybe there's she had the inside maybe there's maybe there's
Something that if you don't get in trouble for three years it gets taken off your record or something
So they can't hold it against you for new owner, but I hope not. That's the only thing I want the FDA
So then when I came up here, I asked people then I get I'll go in there
And if you go into that wall you feel like you're watching the shiny anyway
Unless you're a fucking moron
Right here in the corner when you leave going to magnolia across the dojo diner
There's their pizza the Yugoslavian guy trying to make pizza
They got a barber in there some guy cutting black hair, which is always a bad sign next to a dentist
How do you like have black hair next to a fucking dentist office?
Then they got this taco stand listen to this deadly seven combinations. You gotta hear
My friend's uh, brother, it is gross though. Oh my god, I didn't go to the barber place
Show it's gross. That's after you poison your father. No, they put no they put I didn't go to I didn't kick him there
I took him to the place that john bud got sick. Oh, Jesus grace that was months later
That was like years later. So a couple months ago. He goes to a different place
And guess what he took a picture of jitsa school today
And he goes, where is everybody?
And they found out they all went there to eat which is down the block from the jitsa school school
And a bunch of people got sick, but those are the least favorite spots because he yelps them
And then I figured out what yelp is they put the malook on you
They want you to go and get sick and shit blood for two weeks
Forget I got food poisoning recently at my favorite sushi joint danger. Yeah delivered on a sunday night
That's what you got for getting delivered. Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah, well, I learned it. I'll still go back
You know what I mean, but what's your favorite? What do you get from sushi? What'd you get sick of that?
I mean, I probably I have no idea. I don't know what did it but I know what you order? What's your course salmon ahi
yellowtail roll
Sashimi ahi
Oh, yeah, you went deep you went deep of course I always go deep they gave you something out of the mud
And it's sunday. You never order sushi. I yeah because they get the delivery of of uh fish on thursday
Yeah, so now that's why sunday is all you can eat there. Yeah, that's why I can't go anymore
That's why suckers like lingo in there and they start scratching they have high penicillin levels
They don't know what the fuck it is because you ain't sushi on a sunday the delivery comes on thursday and thursday
Sometimes monday they only buy from japanese people and that's why they only buy from japanese fish people
So by the time sunday comes along they're waiting for guys like lee. Oh, oh, you can eat. Yeah
Do us a favor
It's like when you go to vegas doll sunday night for steak and eight eggs
Yeah, you got a beer and you
Look, we got him for fucking the steak. Well that steak was in the supermarket
By you and boston and just before it went bad. They swiped it off the shelves. They dipped it in some fucking
Wait, but if they send it out to vegas for gavones like lee and people we
Had dollar 79 steak. Why don't you go back to your room and you wake up the next morning
You got a little diarrhea your asshole hurts your pelvis hurts. Yeah, you know i'm saying for two days
The elbows are right
Your elbows earlier, man. Yeah. No, my elbows are fine now. Oh that weed killed them
That was the weed that killed canopy. Yeah, that took them to the next level of his fucking life
Why do you store your weed with your toenail clippings? Because that's how you let weed meditate
You know what i'm saying? It's not just toenail clippings. It's other weed
It's aluminum foil
I got a piece of nicotine coming there. You know what i'm saying? You got to dope that shit up. I gotta give it
Mix it up, right? Sure. No orange peel
That's what suckers and we should do that back in the day. Don't drink espresso
Yeah
Where's your pizza place?
I mean, you must be a pizza head. Where do you go for a good za? I gave up
You gave up trying to find a good one. I gave up, you know what? I gotta go home november 8th right down the bottom goth
Yeah, they got delicious pizza 50 yards
I get two slices both nights and I get my fix for a year. Yeah when I go to jersey another slice a year six months later
You know here I go to this place a little canyon
But if you got to eat the slice there god forbid see the thing in california can't bring the food home
That's what that that's what the truth comes out
You suckers in california to eat now. Let's take the half of it. Oh, no
No, it's kaput's when you get home. You said this is fucking garbage
Eat that shit then don't ever get sushi delivered again my son ever
No, I learned god knows who's in that car driving, you know
You know how dirty that fucking steering wheel is
Think of me and you think of me and you but they ain't cutting it up
They don't have to cut it up. Well before they put it in they open it up. They look at it
They rub your sushi get their fingers. They stick a finger of some other japanese person's asshole
Then they rub it on your sushi. They take a piece. What do you know what they're doing?
I don't you can't trust the guy who's cooking it now. You want to give that to an
to a delivery guy
And number two, you don't never take sushi home to go. I was gonna say I've been always eat it there
Always he ain't no sushi at the house. I got to go breakfast in front of him two weeks ago
And I still I get in trouble every day for how retarded is he who goes out for breakfast to take it to go
That's a good point. I I know it's it's it's it's it's absurd. What if it's a breakfast sandwich?
That then you take it to go on the move. We see
But this guy which you know, he don't leave the hostel too in the afternoon
You go out for a nice breakfast to son is out. Yeah, enjoy the sun. Enjoy the vitamin d enjoy the breakfast
Now him and his girlfriend walk out of that. They just robbed the joint
With their eggs by the time you get home to bread sides
It's a five-minute drive less listen, please let the mention you stopped at starbucks for your favorite already on the
This is what I had deal with you know what I mean
There's a we like the breakfast, but we don't like the coffee sit down and drink the water
And nothing worse than cold pancakes. That's for sure. Oh, no, we want those ice hot. Take your french toast
There's no such thing as breakfast to go dog unless you're a communist
Or you're on a move, you know, say you don't think I move but you got the breakfast to relax
Yeah to be civilized
You're gonna eat eggs to take it back to your fucking apartment to sit there in the dark
To watch some fucking documentary on Netflix. I got nothing to do with you
It's the lords that you could be out flipping somebody making dough doing a podcast something
You know me dog. I understand. I know I love it
You can't fucking sit down the sunday with breakfast and fucking plastic containers. No
You know that's the reason why you went out. That's why you're an american
You want to eat breakfast in the cave? Go ahead go join ISIS
You can eat breakfast in the cave with a bunch of people with stinky feet
And then you have toenails in your fucking food too. How's that one lisa? You ever have a toenail in your food?
I hope no. Have you all the time my own?
What are you talking about?
It's a joke league. I get it
Jay Larson, you're an interesting fucking cat man. You got the podcast with your buddy there from baltimore johnny baltimore
You do stand up. Do you travel much?
I try not to man because I want to be around the kids, you know
But like I was gone this weekend for college gig then i'm gonna be gone friday night for all things comedy festival
Then you're excited about the festival. It should be cool. I mean, it's one night, man. I
Look at it. I'm in when you went around. I mean I did in new york
I was just there like my buddy owns a bar
So I was out till four in the morning for a six a.m. Pick up but listen
I go to fucking if I go to a festival this weekend. Yeah, my whole intention is to fuck burp up. Yeah
Oh
Oh, yeah, he's got till tuesday. I would crack him. I'm talking about speakers in this room
Call them every five minutes. We have your children, you know the whole fucking deal
Just to take him down the crease down the whole thing. What happens if someone falls? I don't know
They're not gonna they're all supporting each other too much. No, they think good. He's good. But let me say something
I take my hat off to bergreicher. Yeah, and if anybody knows bergreicher
You take the 30 days
It's tough for him
Yeah, it's tough for him. This is this is his lifestyle
I've discussed this a thousand times. It's somebody's lifestyle. You know, I could get on a flight
But I gotta eat an edible too. Yeah, I blast off on those planes. Sometimes I get so high. I wish the plane don't even fucking land
Yeah, just keep going the two hours. I'm too high to fucking land. This is tremendous up here. I'm stretched out
I gotta land and walk around
Fucking go do shit
That used to be the best thing about flying is you could check out when there was no internet on the plane
You know what I mean? You said no
There was no reason to be in contact with anyone or anything and now like now people still have expectations for you to be connected
But I'm trying not to be out of town man. I like to be home trying to write
You know what I mean? If I get nice writing gig I can be in town
Get the office down the hill. I get some days planned in november. I'm gonna build bunk beds for my son
No, you're right for a lot of little shows in time and time. I've written for a couple
But I'm trying to get on one like I need something I need like a long term settle in being a room
I'd like to learn a little more six years
Nah, fuck that. Fuck. Yeah, I mean get me in there for six months
Really?
I'd like I wouldn't mind a six month gig and then learn a little and then try and go back out and sell a show
Where then I've now I've had more room experience. You know what I mean?
And you shot the special shot the special man, when'd you shoot it at the l-ray?
No, shit. Yeah, I went all out dude six cameras at the l-ray
We had like 350 people each show
It was nice for you. Yeah, thanks, man
You know sometimes things happen for a reason brother. I think all the time. Do you remember?
This was like, I don't know. Maybe
Fuck, I don't know. Maybe eight months ago or so. We did
Uh
One of Ari's live shows up in the belly room and you were hosting for Ari
You remember I told a story about my dad passing and then going home through all this shit
And because they wanted me to do it on this is not happening. Okay, and I was like, I don't know man
I don't know if that's kind of story. It's gonna fly, you know with like that kind of crowd
And I like you were hosting I'm like, fuck
What's Joey gonna think of this story and you were fucking jam about it like that fucking story
You know and you opened like you were oh, dude
You're the only guy I know that can open a show casually with like a crushed story about like robbing jewelry stores in high school and shit
So and I so I did it and then like they were saying they wanted me to do it on this is not happening
And then I was kind of like, hey man, I kind of want to keep that story. It's like pretty personal
It's like a 12 minute story
So I closed my special on it on that story and I was like, you know what?
I'm gonna put it on my my name on my back
No one else has it and now everyone like, you know, it went up like last friday
So everyone that's been buying the special has been hitting me up and they're like
Dude, like, you know, they like the special but everyone is like that story at the end is like
Because you know people really don't do that on a special, you know, it's always like light and I'm like, you know what?
I think this day and age would be nice to throw a little uh
You know a little heat there at the end
Listen man, it's 2017. Everybody has the same formula. Yeah. Well, I first shot my special for siso
Lee was there
First show garbage. Yeah, I was depending too much on the comedy and the words
Well, I sat down and they were combed my hair. I knew it already like I knew why I had bombed
There was no there was no mistake. The material was well rehearsed
It was cut down
There was something missing me
Yeah, I was uttering words
Dude, that's so crazy. I was uttering words. Yeah, it's the weirdest thing when you
Are a stand-up comic and you you're uttering fucking words
You you're just going through the motions. You're thinking of the words so much because you think the words are what's going to get
And it has nothing to do with the words and this is why when a guy goes, hey
Look at johnny bamboozle. He's a he's a great writer. Well
That's great. Yeah, he's a great writer
That's great because he's not performing. Yeah
There's a difference huge difference. It's fucking weird and I could tell
Nights when I go up the stage and think about my words and I could tell nights when I'm like, what am I thinking?
Who might johnny costan? Yeah, I'm no fucking perfectionist. Yeah, I'm there to say
Perfectionless. Yeah, I'm there to say it. Whatever it comes up. Yeah, whatever comes up
You know some nights, bro
You're taking them to a certain direction and you have a joke from your first album
You want to pump out fucking pumping that and it fits and it fits go sometimes you got to bring this back
Sometimes you got to pull this out
So for the special the second time I said, listen, I'm not even going up there like a machine gun
I went tell the story. Yeah
And
As I was telling this you did in a comedy club, right? Yeah, where'd you do? I've seen Chicago. Yeah, chicago. That's right
That club is great. I watched it. That's a that small little stage. You're so into me
And you know once I told the story it's like do it's like, uh
Settling in man. It's like me saying come over to my house. Let's hit the bag. Yeah
And just start hitting the bag. But if I go now, let's jump rope a little bit
Let's do some push-ups. Let me stretch your shoulders. You stretch mine. Yeah
Let's unbox a little bit do some sit-ups and jumping jacks. Now you're warmed up
Well, what you know say like now my car was warmed up might be saying that story and dog
It's not like I was focused on that story a month or nothing. I was sitting there going
What kind of story when I open up if I was in front of my family
Right now if I saw my family
After 20 years my mom's dead
And my dad has been dead for 50 years and we were there for a couple hours talking
What happened to this guy?
We're all going to talk about what happened to willy run
Called you a willy ran. There was a do it the big dick. You know, we go on and we that's what I did
I go, how would I tell my family after 30 years? What happened to Billy willy ran thing? Yeah
These people want to know about willy. I love that and it was crazy because something talked me into
Saying telling them about willy vandy. Whatever it was. I have no idea, bro. Yeah, but I slowed him down
And the next special I'll shoot. I'm closing with a story. Why fuck around. Oh, yeah
Why wait there and try to find it and go and if that last line really doesn't hit
If they don't it doesn't go in the mic, right?
The fucking special shattered. So just tell them the fucking story
relax
Yeah, well, I closed my special on like a eight minute story and then I backed it up with like a 10 minute story
So it was like two big chunks
But you know, it's funny when I recorded it that night the first I did the first one and like
It was great. I had a great response, but I didn't feel comfortable at all. There you go
And you know nick thune he came up in the green room and he's like he gave he's like, can I give you notes?
I'm still like just came off and I go. Yeah go and he said this this this this and I was like, yeah, that's good
I like that I like that he was like slow down and he goes one last thing
I go, yeah, he goes take a giant shot before you go on stage
And I did I took a monster shot of scotch and I just like I slowed everything down
And just settled in and was like stop being precious with or anyway
That's so weird that everything you were just saying was everything that went through my head
I don't even remember feeling like that. It's so weird how you go from an open miker
To like a seasoned open miker and then they classify you into emcee. I don't look at it that way
Yeah, I always look at it as time served. You know what I'm saying? Yeah
And it's the answer always comes to you in comedy when you need it
It's like life sometimes when you really really need that answer it pops up at the last minute
At the last fucking minute
Yeah, you're about to sign that fucking lease to move into the house
You and your wife loved that house and in the last minute on the drive day, you know, you know what?
So I made kosher. Yeah
And two weeks later you got to report that the house got fucking tapped
Termites coming out the ass you want to last for a week on the third floor. Yeah, and you're like see that
Something just didn't feel fucking right. Yeah, you get to a certain age that you know on the drive. Yeah, you know on the drive
If it's paying for you for you to take the money out of the bank
Yeah, don't do it. You know what I'm saying? Of course you do all those things and after a while you know, you know, when I was young
I was like the Lee everybody
If I made 400 I spent five
Yeah, no shit. You made six you spent eight. Yeah, because you started that note at the bar. Yeah
You know, you tab it up where does it happen? I gotta eat in my pocket. Why would I pay for a drink?
Let me tab it up. I'm not gonna give this bartender a dime of this money
I'm gonna spend this on cocaine
And then cheeseburgers over at the Berkshire diner after we snore coke. They'll fall in front of more
It's crazy. I would have 500 in my pocket
And give the bartender 30 or 50 I'll tip at the end of the night, but I wouldn't pay for the tab
Then I come in there a week later broke and he go dog. What about this 200?
God damn it. Listen, we run a little the 75 till next Monday
It's it's the shit you do. Will I do that today? No way not a million fucking years
Right. Yeah, I just give the guy a yardstick and go
Me and jay gonna pull up the body and tell me what that's done. Yeah, here's a 24 year time with that hundred done come back
Yeah, you don't even want by he just wants ice cubes. I love that. They just want ice cubes
So yeah, no
You know, it's like what I said to you. We got children
Yeah, you know, I learned the hard way my mother died didn't leave a will
And then no sort of security know nothing
You know, I think about your kids. Is this the move I make
Is this the eight g's I spent for this fucking stupidity?
Or if tomorrow when I bend it over
Shit comes out of my ass and I have a heart attack wouldn't I rather have the eight g's?
No, shit. That's how you have to start thinking at a certain age. It's so fucking scary
Yeah, you know 20 years ago if I had 8,000 I'd spend nine
Yeah, especially when you want to leave some money behind because there was no
You know, there's not gonna be any money behind from me. That's for sure
You know, so it's like when I look at my kids. I'm like, uh
Not to mention like if they're gonna go to college what kind of dime we spend there
So it's like, you know, you want to look at it and be like I want to set them up better than I got set up
And hope that they think the same way if they have kids, you know
You know, I didn't think like that in my 30s
And I didn't think like that in my 40s either. You know, we always talk on the show how
You see these people that have five you know, the IMDB and they got five motherfuckers on the payroll
You know, they got a show for a while. So you got five people on the payroll on the IMDB. You got the lawyer
The agent the booking agent publicist
It's a manager and the manager and everybody's getting 10 except the attorney's getting five off the top
It's a fucking rape village
And all of a sudden you go to your grandpa's house for a few days and he's looking through your things a certified cpa
Whatever he's like, do you know what you spend in every month? Are you fucking stupid?
Who's this? And you're like, who's
You never look at things when you're old. Do you look at them a lot different?
Yeah
When you're 26 and you move to town and some show gives you 75 grand a week times 13
Oh, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, you spend every fuck. Look at look at this fucking kid. He's broke
Yeah, how could this guy be taking people to court over his money
The fucking dude pirate in the Caribbean
Whatever's how can he be broke who giant up? Yeah, he's fighting people
He's suing this guy mismanagement of money
They stole his money. Did you see his expenditures every month? No
What was it how much on wine?
I didn't even hear about 200 g's a month on wine on wine
Deep into the murky waters. That's a collection right there on island
You know houses all over the fucking world vineyards
He just he had a racetrack as they were talking about. I didn't know he was from Kentucky
Johnny Depp. Yeah, he's from outside Lexington. Oh my god. He's got a horse ranch out there that
Man, if I was making Johnny Depp money, I would go 50 50
50 to me and then that's to cover all my steps for everything and then 50
They just goes away like I never had it. Well, the chick just sued him because he smacked a few times
He had to be a bottle or something like that
And then she sued him and you know tried to take Doug stanhope to go out and
Stanhope? Yeah, cuz stanhope stuck up for Johnny Depp
How much how much dog? He spent three million to shoot hunter s. Thompson's
That's why I told my wife my wife thought I was crazy show put that on the big screen for my man jay
Why would they need three million dollars for that and then he spent two million a month
On what holy shit?
Let me tell you something his paycheck his paychecks from pirates
Are ginormous. It's an amount that you and I will never see in a lifetime. I mean, I hope we do
I'm not putting the malook on you
But we dream of shit like that. We go to bed and I go and I wish I had Johnny Depp money
Just one of those the third one. I mean he did something he cut a great deal
On pirates something fucking yank
He takes home blood guts on that. Yeah blood guts
I mean, I'll be straight up with you to make that kind of money
It comes a certain kind of responsibility that I just don't ever want
Spending his three million dollars to shoot
Hashes out of a cannon a dozen years ago and two million
He spends every month with us. I hear 30,000 a month on fine wines 30 g
Holy shit seemingly excessive multi-million dollar multi-home and multi-employed lifestyle which depp engages
30,000 of fine wine
He's a sound engineer to feed them wines. So he has like a piece in this year
Yeah
It's like fucking I don't want to memorize this thing anymore
Jeez
He's the real team man. You make that type of money
That don't give a fuck about it. You know, he's a great actor. I mean, you know
You got to have some substance to yourself in order to not need to spend all that money
You know what I mean? You need something greater than yourself because clearly he doesn't have
I mean, if you had that kind of money right now, would you what would you be doing with it?
Do you have any idea what you would spend all that money on?
How much would you be putting away? What would you be doing? Yeah, I know I have a good idea. I got nephews and nieces
I would tighten them up with school. Yeah, you know, I've been tightened up my niece in school
You got to transfer to like a big-time fucking school get her a car
You know shit like that. How about my family? I buy a fucking buy an apartment building
You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, something that sets. No, I'd buy a rent
I'd buy that Johnny Depper inch you buy it off of him
Yeah, I'd buy the horses from him the whole fucking 25 cents on the doll get a little fucking action out there
I'd buy a name but in Detroit
That's what my kids are gonna live from in 30 years. Yeah, because in 30 years, it's gonna be a hopper name
But yeah Detroit don't do something unless the Koreans get to it
first
I don't fucking know
Why wouldn't it work unless the Koreans shoot a fucking firecracker that
Hey, so
Let me do some shout-outs. I'm sorry about that
Is it Detroit the way that the the city that they're attacking?
I don't know. Did I say that? I just it's a joke. Relax. What's with the questions?
fire goddess bet
top quality Tony
stick trying
Stick trying I like that name got second. That's how I was. I don't remember, right?
Jimmy penguins Arnold Ramstead Joey Zaza tweets
Nicholas Ortega
and here he is
the savage of the week
Andrew Nondow
Holding it down up there in nyak, new york. I'm coming back cocksucker
Don't bring the kettle bells to Manhattan. I'll strangle you
Don't forget sadly at the ice house sold out. You're fucked up. You had a date. You didn't get the ticket soon enough
Next week. I'm at the fucking funny bone in where am I? Oh my oh my hard Nebraska
The home of Nate ellenberger. I spoke to him today to invite his family
Also the week after that new york comedy festival
Got them comedy club the 10th and the 11th your boy dean delray signed up
So it's gonna be a banging fucking weekend
Get your tickets cocksuckers. Don't don't don't come to me laying at joey
Is there a code? They don't code
Unless you know fucking unless you know flags remember when we were kids everybody had flags and else
You know s.o.s flags and shit. Why would we I didn't have those in case the koreans were coming
You said somebody to the roof koreans again. Who's looking up in your room?
Wait, what what signals did you know? I got this guy for the small 20 lives up there with the pigeons
And he just said signals to people you just sending signals to the koreans
Now when you joined the boy scouts or something when you were when I was a kid
He joined the boy scouts like there was something grab a school
There was a course you took with two fucking like black flags
You stood there like a fucking swedish man. Like what you're bringing in a plane
No, like s.o.s
Like if your building was burning or something like that, I don't know who fucked those
How far did you go in boy scouts? Oh, I got thrown out as a weeblon. They can be
I lasted three four days we blows early on
I just it was just was
I was hanging on 148th street with three Puerto Ricans and six dirty iris dudes that we take over the fucking name
But yeah, now you want me to hang out with six dudes with shirts on
Skars on his shirts and shit. Yeah, try to light a fire. What are you there? Oh
I didn't even dream of it. Like they sit there with the flint
The whole thing mean why I got a lighter in my son
I got this party stuff. No, no, it's against what the fuck against what you have to get the merit badges
What fucking man? I got them. Where is he?
He's over there, right? Listen, what do you want to do sitting here for two hours and huff and puff your lungs out?
Or I can light this up and we got a tick and everybody goes. Oh happy
It's not called cheating. It's called america ingenuity
It's a good point the fuck we got time to fuck around dog. No time for that shit. No, you're looking good jay lost them happy
You put the special up and you got a fucking outlet for it and people listen
Six bucks. You can't fucking lose. All right
Jay larson's a fucking savage
Of sorts a fucking animal
I appreciate that short stories of shit. He delivered newspaper because he's solid
Lisa. Yeah, what's on your plans for this week? And I can just imagine
I don't know. I'm not much anymore. So maybe I'll make another bet. We'll see what you win last night
The dodgers win tonight
I don't know. Do you want to check? No, no, no, just hit that. Please check
We need to know that that's a fact. That's right, motherfuckers. I mean it was three two last we checked
Oh, no, astros won seven to six. So we had the over
Oh, shit. This turned into a banger 11 in one
In 11, I wonder if kenly jancing had anything to do with that came in and gave something up
You know all about these teams and stuff. I mean, I love baseball. I love sports in general
I can go I can talk any sport. You go to dodger games since you live here. I've been to like five maybe
You're still a red socks fan. Yeah red sox fan
You can't change you can't change your allegiances. No, I pull for the dodos for sure
You know, I said nobody said anything about switching allegiances just because you move on here. You're still a boss
Some people do switch allegiances. Oh people. Yeah, these people move on here
Whoever was never winning. You see the cadastres there with a hat on yeah, right around the nicks of the championship
They got new york nicks. They were dodgers same time. That's why they lost
See, I figured out because you're here watching again. You didn't watch the game
They didn't lose because of that reason because if lee watches your game
It's going down if lee let's pretend this weekend
The fucking new england patriots are a lock, you know, and I know what they're playing at a certain time sunday everything's perfect
They always beat up at this team if lee watches it on sunday either. They won't cover the lose outright
He's one and five two. I'm not doing he's doing. What's their record?
Oh the path's four and two. It's five and two five and two but they haven't covered three of those weeks. He's responsible for
By putting the bed in he's responsible for those single-hand. You're sitting next to mush
Gammons, I mean you bet
Not any more from time to time. I see something. I see an opening bam lands. I got like a savage
I used to bet man. Yeah, me too. I used to bet as a kid too, but
It's like again when you're stealing and selling coke
If i'm stealing and selling coke, yeah, I'll put a bed in for a yardstick. Yeah walking on ice. It's not my money
When you wake up at five in the morning
And you got to dig a trench of shit. It's tough losing that. Yeah. No, shit
When you get 80 a day and you lose 300 to the bookie you dig up you dig every day you work hard for a living
It's tough. Think of that motherfucker's money on a thursday. Yeah, there you go. Call me. Yeah, I'll call you cocksucker
I'll call you a fucking uber the hell you fuck
What's up, lee? Look at them. Don't lose that money. Lee put the video on about you getting fucked up. Lee it out of space
Show my brother. Yeah, let me see that
Is that what a fan made it and sent it in? Sure fan. They got thousands of did you tweet it or no? No, I didn't tweet
I don't want to expose you. Oh, well, you just gonna show it on the podcast. Sure
What the fuck's the difference it's your video
I'm always amazed when like even fans over at the crab piece when they send things in you're just like man
You know like when was I ever doing anything like that like as engaged, you know
Like that's one thing about technology nowadays people can be so engaged
You know, oh, that was a crazy night
This was like this was the uh
That was mushrooms and you found the fish. We were deep this thing. Look at it. Jesus. Look at this now
I don't even skinnier. Yeah, sure. Oh, yeah, that was a long time ago
Look at his face. He looks scared. Now. Look at this guy. This is random mazio
His father's the drummer from missing prayer. Look at Lee praying. Look at oh, shit
Poor lady. Look at him. Well, I saw this like oh, we gotta stop it. We either got up the out dosage
I'm gonna pull it back. Oh, he's got the anxiety attack. He's like, what the fuck? Oh, I'm in there. I'm hearing things. Look at this
He's looking around. He can't take it. Look. He's getting uncomfortable. Oh my god. Oh my god. It's killing me now. Look at his kids hand
Lee doesn't look at look at this poor kid. Look at Lee's face. He's like stop waving your hand. You got me sick. Oh boy
But he's smiling a little. Oh, yeah, he knows he loves all this shit
Lee, let me tell you something man. When I came here at night and I saw what he was putting back
I thought that's how he's gonna end up. So if you're putting all that back and you're just doing
Look at his shirt. He puked on his shirt and everything. Look at teeth
That was mushrooms
No, no, we eat that night. That was like when we did like the double dose. What are we doing?
That was the night you did like
He thought like it hit my lip or something. So you like come back and you did two extra drops
And I fucking pure six seconds after the podcast was over
Yeah, you you were definitely taking one on the chin that night. Oh my god
Yeah, that was a deep assault gun. We get fucked sometimes. We get fucked. I don't even know when I get home
I realize how fucked up I am
Then I lay down and put the sleep apnea mask on and then I start giggling
And that's fucking crazy. I gotta take the mask off
Then I got a pee then I gotta fucking
Do it again, then I'll giggle again
And the shit I giggle about
Is stuff I haven't thought about
In years, of course. Yeah, like it just comes out of anywhere
Like a fucking it just pops out
You know what I thought about the entire ride here
Senior in high school my baseball team we got to the semifinals on the state championship
I didn't start on the team and we were losing so he put me into pinch hitting the last inning like you're a senior
This is it for you
And I had a 34 inch bat in my hand and this kid pitching like went on played d1
And he kept jamming me inside and I followed three pitches off in a row
Inside and I'm like if you just had a goddamn 33 in your hand, bro
If you'd had a 33 inch you might have got around on that ball and you it would have been a whole different story
The whole ride here and I can't ever go back to that joey
I can't go back and get that a b again, but that's all I thought about the whole ride
I couldn't get out of my head and I don't know where it came
I think it was just because I threw on the world series and I kept thinking about that damn pitch
I popped up to the catcher man
Thanks for bringing it up, dude late night sometimes is when the shit comes into my head
I don't even want to know what fucking demons crawling to your brain. Oh my god
And it's when I lay down and I'm doubting my sleep
Like I'm the type of guy. I gotta force myself to go in there. Yeah, you know, I watch narcos
Okay, I watch an episode next thing, you know, it's 215. Yeah, I know and I'm on episode four and I'm on fire
Yeah, I'm going I got two more with me
I got two fucking more of me. I'm one of those guys or I get to reading
On the road. Yeah, I get to read it. I get it really high
I go back up to the hotel room. I start reading. It's 230. I'm still reading
That's not good. So I forced myself to bed. Yeah, I got my forcing myself to bed. It takes me an extra
20 minutes, but it clouds me down
And I focus on breathing out of my nose. Then I always think about something
like the other night I thought about
Being in high school, it was a cold fucking night and me Ferdy
And this dude's thinking we're driving until the avenue and there was nobody out there
There was ice out there and shit
And we pull up to a fucking cop in front of us
But the cop is doing like fucking 20 or something like that. What do you think Ferdy does?
He pulls around the cop and well
Left hand side and cuts them all
fucking cop girls and lights on
We're not smoking. We're drinking with nobody's right those days. It really wasn't
They didn't make a big deal of it. They didn't really you know, unless you were fucking lit up
But I'll never forget we were standing out of the club. We're freezing
And the cop was writing the ticket or he was talking to the other cop
And Ferdy looked at us and went
And he walked over to the cop and he goes, hey
How long is this gonna take dog? It's kind of fucking cold out here
Give me the ticket give me the ticket, but why are you gonna leave me outside the fucking car for?
And my heart just stopped
And the guy goes, hey relax
If you're cold go in the car pull put it on
But it was the way he went up that I do. Yeah me and my buddy were just fucking howling
Because he would say stupid shit from time to time
Like I thought he was gonna tell the cop something six years because I talked to
How long are you gonna have us out here for?
Well for since kind of fucking cold out here, don't you think?
The cops just looked at him
He let us go, but it was like a two-in-a-half fucking ticket in those days. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you hit him with like three fucking violations
Well, I mean, what was he doing in the first place?
I have no idea this poor kid Ferdy
Lives on facebook and every morning he puts a picture up around him a row
I haven't talked to him legitimately since
1983 we connected through his brother and then he said to hook up with him and stuff
But we exchanged words one time. Yeah, like good words like I always think about and he goes so do I
And then when I invited to a comedy show he didn't return the call
Yeah, and I understood you know said and then when I go home I ask about him and they tell me that
People bump into him and he won't talk to him
You know, these are people that he lifted with every day for five fucking years and smoked dope with at night
Interesting so he just shut himself down. Well, he lost like $60,000 right after high school gambling. Oh, man
So, uh, he took it from there, you know, and he had to get three jobs to pay it back
In the meantime, he was hilarious when I went back
He used to pick me up. He used to get like an eight ball of coke and cut it with like 10 ounces
Oh, man, is that my nose making those little squeakies? I think it might be
Is it or is it the chair? I didn't know what the fuck
It must be dry out there. I gotta get more of that spray. Let's say I gotta go to doctor
Yeah, that was good. I've been thinking about this recently. Do you how do you feel about blowing your nose in public?
I don't give a fuck. I don't even I gotta breathe
You know, listen, I'm not accusing you the podcast is freer, right?
Number two who else who else blows then those are funny from time to time nobody
That's why this is a fucking podcast because it's live and in color. You smell farts
You hear fucking those blows. They don't get to smell the farts Joey. No, they don't but whatever they still live it
When you hear the fart you wait for it, right?
If you're a fucking consumer you're home and you're listening to this podcast and you hear fart rip out from my little fat ass
In your mind you by hearing that fart
It's gonna make your nose open up like you're gonna want to smell it like I wish I was there smells something
I want to smell something. That's what naturally fucking does no one wants me to smell your phone. Listen. What do you know?
There's people who pay people
To send them underwears and to send them socks after they ran down the parking shit
There's people out there that want to smell a good fucking whatever
I thought about that. Yeah, you can sell your underwear online. Yeah, and your socks is shit. There's plenty people who buy that shit
filthy
Are you going to the road anytime soon jay lesson?
Uh, where am I going? Where you going? I'm not I'm actually I'm going to uh doing a college. I'm doing that. Um
Come and take it festival in houston in november. I think it's a festival. Yeah good people great people great bunch of kids that come and take
I do last year. Yeah, all right a lot of fun good people nice hotel
Looking forward to it the best fucking food city in the country age town like a mother fucker
What with some queso from fucking
We're going down there in austin being fucking the christ killer
We're gonna go sink that fucking teeth at the pop of does
For breakfast and lunch, you know when you're in austin men and then our peeps are gonna pick us up and take us to fucking
bobby sharon and crystal
Or pick Lee up and take him to a nice fucking chewies
All right, I gotta hook up. I mean a great spot in austin called bought a cellis my buddy from chicago
Italian place italian joint. I can eat italian here. They do a bought a celli, bro
I'm just saying I don't want to eat italian food in uh
In austin. Yeah, you got austin to eat the tax max dog and some pop of dogs
Are you gonna tell you from down the corner? Yeah, I'm just yeah
You're crazy. Yeah, I take back that offer anyway. No, you know, I love you know the fact
But tell me there's italian hot beef
That's what i'm looking for from chicago. Yeah, I don't want no fucking italian food
I don't want to give a fuck about italian food. You know italian food's a diamond doesn't um, I'm gonna stop what I'm doing
We got down there right time when we pop of dogs. We go in there. We kill that motherfucker first
You kill pop a little a little shrimp and cob a little shrimp and crab cob salad
We got a little uh, what's the thing that comes with toenails?
With with with the chefs cut their toenails in a gum boat
With the bread with the butter telling about the little thing stop it
I'm going right to chewies. That's okay. That's that's the whole thing. That's the whole fucking park
Now you're getting case. Yeah, okay. So with the meat on the bottom
You got a swirl margarita from chewies if you go there on wednesday see this time when we land
We're going straight to chewies for lunch
And we're gonna get whatever what the fucking as a lunch. You don't even need the food
Just a queso like I didn't even eat my lunch when I came
We got a full on queso
We're going to fucking chewies direct from the plane before the show that night. That's how we're rolling
That's baller out of respect
And my man daddy brown called the other day. He said that one rapper
Opened up a chinese restaurant in fucking austin
So we're gonna eat some chinese food in austin too. That's how we're rolling to something rolling deep
Listen, you ever want to come back and eat some of your friend in the show?
I appreciate it joey. Number one
Number two, where's the website they go get the jay larson comedy.com jay larson comedy.com six jay larson
Comedy.com don't fuck around
Six dollars get yourself a nice special. Thanks. Given's coming. You're gonna sit there your grandparents
You turn jay larson on everybody's fucking happy. All right, and you support the cause he's got three kids
His grandma plays the piano, you know that goes
Send him the small six. He ain't gonna fucking bother here, right? I appreciate you coming out
Thanks for having me. You're my best to fucking
Sickler, right? I'll have a great time down there. If you're not you guys not doing nothing
Don't forget. He's down there at all things comedy. Stop by say hello. Tom. You heard him on the church
You're doing a podcast. You're doing friends down there. Yeah, go stop it. What's the door?
I don't know. I think it's
$28
Listen support fucking comedy of phoenix this weekend. You know, I love you motherfucking animals. Don't forget
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Omaha, Nebraska the week after that my man over at gothams
Friday and saturday night two shows
With my man, uh dean del rizzi. All right stay black. Have a great weekend. Thank you jl arson dot com
Thank you. Lee sian aka christ killer number one number two number three
Have a great weekend
Thanks
You
Oh
Can you feel it
Oh
I've seen your face before my friend, but I don't know if you know who I am
I
Saw what you did
I sold it with my own two two eyes
So you could wipe off that grip
And the way you've been it's all been a pack of lies
I can feel it coming in the air the night
Oh
I can feel it coming in the air the night
Oh
Oh
I remember don't worry
Hey
How could I have a case the first time
The last time we ever
But I know the reason why you gave me a silent song
No, the beauty for me
The hurt doesn't show
But the pain's to the rose
So stringent to you and me
And I can feel it coming in the air the night
Oh
Well, I didn't mean for this one for all my life
Oh
Well, I didn't mean for this one for all my life
Oh
Oh
Oh