Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #529 - Theo Von

Episode Date: October 30, 2017

Theo Von, Comedian and host of the "This Past Weekend" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by: Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get $30 off of your first meal and free shipping!   Meundies.com - Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and free shipping!       Recorded live on 10/29/2017.


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Kick that mule, Lee. I'm taping you deep in the murky waters with Sabbath cause it's that time of the week. When it comes to Sabbath, this is one of my favorite fucking songs of all time or for the sabotage album. The second hour of my walk from Black Sabbath on the walk home on Burgerline Avenue. Kick this mule, Lee. We ain't got time to fuck around. Theo Vane here tonight.

We ain't got time to fuck around, we ain't got time to fuck around. We ain't got time to fuck around, we ain't got time to fuck around. Are you fucking kidding me or what? That's the way to kick off a fucking Monday morning, bitches. Who the fuck is gonna stop you? Welcome to the church. What's happening now? My little brother, Theo Vane and my fucking favorite Christ killer of all time, Lee Syad

on the fucking drums. I hope you had a great fucking weekend. It's four down, two yards, you're ready to fucking score, no more fucking around the rest of the year. Theo Vane, I had to blow a fucking smoke cloud out of respect out of you so bright. I appreciate that, man. It's great to be here. Look at you.

You made the move. You're fucking a new man. You look good. Your material's on fire. My dick is fresh, bro. You're killing these fucking people and you still got no broad on the side. You don't want no broad. You're on a fucking mission from Lucifer.

Not like a friend over here. He don't give a fuck. He's got a girlfriend. He wants to... Syad? He's ready to go in the dungeon. Oh, he's too much from owning a George Foreman grill in fucking? Oh, no, no.

He's all done. He's all done. Now he's done? He went to the Bug Festival this weekend. Oh, did you really? It never ends. It never ends. It's not a festival.

It's a fundraiser for a rescue. You get any autographs or what? No, they put Halloween costumes on. I did not put a Halloween costume on. Oh, man. You see what I gotta live with? Yeah. I try.

He's like being a straight gay guy, bro. He's my little brother. You know what I'm saying? Thank you. I appreciate it. He's a beautiful animal. One of my 70 favorite people right there, Lee Syad. The top 70 people in People Magazine?

Yeah. That's your favorite. Lee Syad's a bad motherfucker. One of my favorite 70 people. Dead or alive, dude. I don't think I know 70 people. Yeah, you do. Every fucking body who dies, they always make 250 mass cards for you.

Did you know that? Did it really? Yeah, because everybody on the average knows 250 fucking people. That's why in business, you have to be nice to everybody. Wow. Everybody knows 250 people, at least, not Twitter, not Facebook. Right. You've been in contact with 250 people.

If you die by the age of 50, between classmates, high schoolmates, college mates, people at your job over 25, 30 fucking years, that's the average. Wow. I hope people don't know that. You learn that when you buy telemarketing in the 70s. That book helped me in more ways than one. Telemarketing in the 70s. If you want to sell, that's what you fucking sell.

If you're selling generations, let's say you sell fucking vacuums and you're serious about it. What you hope is that Lee becomes your goomba and Lee sunbys your vacuums, Lee's daughter buys your vacuums, Lee's wife, you know, is his wife's sister. Oh, you want fifth generation on the vacuums. Yeah. That's what you do. That's what a good fucking salesman does.

You know what's so weird. You're at the christening, you're doing everything. You're in a vac. Yeah. Dude, I'll tell you this. My sister used to be an exotic dancer, right? She used to be in the fucking ... Yeah.

Louisiana, kind of certain areas. That's a tough living. Yeah. It's a tough area, especially out there, and she actually learned to dance and I remember this while, but she learned to dance in a ... It was like a trailer, right? She was like an exotic place, but it was a trailer, but the stage wasn't very high. The stage was too high in the trailer, so the dancers had to crouch and strip and dance at the same time, dude.

If you were over five, four, you had to duck and look sexy, and that's hard to do, man. Think about that. I've never had to think about that because I'd be fine in that trailer. Oh yeah, you'd be good, bro. You beat a dessert dancer, bro. They bring you out with the fucking with the creme brulee, man. Shit. The fucking Lee would take the stage like a fucking Thanksgiving treat.

How many creme brulees do you think Lee would dance? That motherfucker came out every hour on the hour. At least eight. At least eight an hour. Eight? I would sell eight every 15 minutes. But there's only so many people in the building, but it's a very small club, dude. Let me ask you this.

Yeah, but if they're coming to this club and to see me, they like dessert. How long have you seen such an exotic dancer for? She was probably out there for, I guess, about eight years, probably. Were you mad at her? Eight years in the trailer? Oh, no. She just started there. Then she went into buildings that were zoned correctly and everything, so that she could

stretch out. Did you get mad at her all those years? Were you upset with her? Let me think, man. We weren't really close growing up. I mean, I always actually, you know what? Older than you or younger than you? Younger than me.

Okay. Yeah. So you were upset. I mean, I was, uh, well, the crazy part was honestly, we look alike. So I would see dudes sometimes looking at me like weirdly, like around when I was out at lunch and shit, you know, and they were like, do I know you? Yeah. Yeah.

She got the fucking goatee too. Fucking hilarious. But, uh, but so I guess that if we wouldn't have looked alike, it might have, it might have not been so wild to me. But you know what, dude? She didn't have, you know, she was missing some elements growing up and, you know, I respect that. I respect any women if they are out there in those type of environments, because that's

a hard environment. And that, you know, because otherwise, if you're not doing that, what are you doing then? You know, if you're at that invite, if you're at that doorstep where you are, you know, where you're looking for an occupation, but you're, if you're not doing that, you're probably up to some dark art, you know, Sorry about that. I hear music.

Yeah. That's Joey's ringtone. It's like Elvis for the holidays, bro. You want some fucking Memphis email list, bro? I don't fucking know. What kind of, did you go to that strip club in the trailer? I mean, I'd been, I mean, I'd been over there before, but I didn't, you know, I wouldn't go there with my sister.

Well, no, I would hope not, but I can't even imagine, like, is it just like a, like a construction trailer that they just put a little stage in and a couple of folding chairs? I mean, I don't think that they had, you know, a long, I don't know if they're, what their long-term business model was, you know, I mean, I'll say that, but they, you know, it was good. It was a small town place, you know, and people were enjoying themselves and, but yeah, I mean, I, I mean, I love my sister. She's the best, you know, I mean, I would, I mean, she's a fucking G, man.

She's a fucking G, you know, she's, she's real as they get. It's crazy because. But what were we talking about? What were we talking about? Squatting the trailer. But even got into this conversation. No, no, it's just weird that, did she ever go to a big city and dance or did she keep it like Shreveport?

I mean, I think she, you know, nothing real crazy. I don't think, I mean, we weren't that close at a lot of that time. She married now? No. Still single. Still single. Ready to mingle. Ready to mingle.

Cool chick though. Kids. No kids. Look, she kept it together, man. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Listen, you're 22, right, you're 22. You got nothing going on.

I mean, what are your fucking options? You're going to go work at a vet or a daycare for $8 an hour or whatever. As a young girl, I mean, you know, and I have a daughter, I would have feel if she came to me and said, look, I'm going to go to fucking college, but I got an answer. I'm going to go strip for five years, for four years. The four years that could have been in college, I'm going to go strip, but you're not that intelligent to grasp it at that time. Right.

The girls that go into that, go into that, and I'm not talking on that line here because they were missing something. Yeah. For the first time, somebody paid attention to them. Yeah. So. Oh yeah, she was abused. She had like this violent kind of black boyfriend she dated and that abused, and I think that's

what got her into it, you know? It's just, you don't give a fuck about yourself, but think about it with you, with what you know now. The knowledge you have now, if you were fucking an 18 year old chick, your tits were hot, you got a nice little ass, all these guys are torturing you all the time, they're fucking broke. You know, I mean, as a woman, you go, you know what, I wasn't raised to do this. Yeah.

But it's 2017. Yeah. I'm going to go to Subway and be surrounded by stiffs or some sent, you know. Dude's jerking off over there anyway. Yeah, he is. So what's this? They call two dudes jerking off by the R subway. At least.

Really? Yeah. There was something about it. I don't know. It could have been the air freshener or something. They were literally, this subway fucking made you feel erect, bro. I think they had one of those lavender air things in the background. And I'm not making fun of subway employees.

I always tell you that the fucking, my biggest fear is when you walk into subway, like, who I thought I was going to turn out to be honest to God, and I didn't want this. You were going to subway and everybody's 22, but then there's one guy that's 50 with a ponytail. That was you? And he's got an earring and he's still, he's still cool. Like he's still fighting the fucking cool. It don't matter that he lives in an apartment with a dudes and when he got home the other

night they were listening to Aqualung and it doesn't matter. What matters is that he went to see Guns N' Roses, you know, two weeks ago. This is what's going on. He's living his life. Yeah, he's living his life, but he didn't really look at the other part of your life. He didn't look at it later when life moves fucking fast and you're still talking about some fucking band. Yeah.

When everybody else you're rage is growing up. Everybody's growing the fuck up, you know, it's kind of a weird, I was always scared to be that guy that petrified me, Lee. Well, I mean, don't you think it would take like a very specific kind of person to be like, be a stripper and not get affected by it? Cause you're talking like, oh, it'd be great. Two out of fucking 10. Right.

The percentages. Two out of 10, if you make an educated guess, I went to a strip club a year ago, nine months ago. I get bored. I'm like any other fucking guy. Yeah. And then it's 10, 15. Everybody's fucking sleeping.

Yeah. Everybody's asleep in my house at 10, 15. Like out. Yeah. I can't even fucking put a pudge somebody and I, I tried to wake my wife up to give me the 10, the pen, the iTunes so I could order the fucking phone. She told me to fuck myself. You know what I'm saying?

Everybody's out in my fucking house at fucking 10, 15. Yeah. So I go, let me know the yummy, yummy donuts. Then you're a fat fuck. You just send out a donut. Stay away from the world. By yourself. Yeah.

I said, fuck it. They got a lot of home trends dressed. I'm gonna go down, co-fax and go up to like victory and make a left as a strip club. And I went in there and I made an observation, you know, you're just sitting there looking at pussy intense and it's phenomenal. I'm not going to say that I didn't like it or it was dirty. Yeah. First off, the strip club is always empty.

Yeah. I mean, you can't believe how empty it is. Like bone dry, like there's four fucking guys sitting there drinking water because it's new. Yeah. Water. There's four people that were in there earlier in the day. Yeah.

That's how I get into it. Man, you missed it. There's four people in here. And I, you know, you talk to different girls. There was one girl. I talked to her. Her boyfriend comes to comedy shows. She comes to them all the time.

Oh, wow. And there was another girl that her boyfriend was a fucking fan of the podcast. And you know, the whole, you know, you have all these girls that are in there that talk to you. Yeah. And I looked at them and I'm like, look at that girl. She's 18. There was one girl.

I was 20. You know, I give her the whole back account. Yeah. And you look at her and go, you give her the whole bank account, like, listen, just come home with me. Go get your clothes. I'm gonna throw up my wife out when we get home. Yeah.

I'm sure. And for some dudes, they would do that. They would do that. And then you have the girls that are 42, man, that they're out there banging it. They're eating grapefruit juice and jumping and fucking, you know, and you got to give them a heart. Like you sit there and go, I know what she's going through. Yeah.

I don't want to pick the 20 year old because she's going to feel bad. But if I pick the 20 year old, the 20 year old will glob all over you and suck your sperm. She doesn't know that there's HIV out there and chlamydia of the mouth and shit. Yeah. She's still thinking she could, you know, with a 40 year old gives you hand wipes because she knows you're going to finger her and she don't want the leftover salt from the pretzel yet.

Two hours early. It's just really weird, bro. When you deal with, when they become a professional, yeah, like, have you ever bumped into a professional stripper? Yeah. Was it different? Yeah. It's a different game.

It's a different game, brother. It's like staying at comedy for a certain period of time. It's like there's a certain day when you're like, you realize, oh, oh, I know what you're doing. Or, and I'm going to do it. And when you deal with a professional stripper, you go in there, dog. She takes you into the first room first. She'll give you a couple of whips of her monkey and you won't let you touch it.

And then she'll take you upstairs, bang you out for the small four bills. And that's when she becomes a nun. Yeah. And you're like, what the fuck happened? She sold you. Yeah. She ain't a stripper no more. She's a saleswoman now.

You want to fucking suck? That's 2000 for this fucking piece of ass. Yeah. 2000? You want to look at me? 2000 mother fucker. 2000, they look at you with a straight face. They're going to squeeze you, bro.

You know what? You want to smell my asshole and fucking eat a yogurt at the same time? They're going to fuck 11 guys no more. That's 3000. They're going to fuck fucking six guys for $1,000 and make $12,000 a week or fuck $2,000. So I've even thought, I've thought about it. If you pay whatever that is, $2,500, that's not the whole night. That's like one round, I guess.

You can negotiate whatever the fuck you want. Okay. Thank God. Dude, what about fucking just somebody regular and then tipping them after? Is that crazy? You think? Like if it's just a girl you met. They got insulted.

Yeah. I could see you telling the girl, listen, man, I'm going to go out of town on Thursday. I didn't know this was going to happen. I had a great time. Can you get to an ounce there and leave it there for you, for you to do your toes, nails and get yourself lunch at your girlfriend. Man, that's a way to do it. It's how you fucking do it.

It's not making them feel like a fucking hooker. Yeah. But you can't fucking, yeah. It's like right now Harvey Weinstein's getting in trouble for all this shit and yeah, he's a pig, but you got to admit, there's a thousand guys out there. I used to date a girl, bro, that was a stripper and after a year or two, I accepted what she did and I used to just talk to her sometimes. By talking to her, it really showed me how pathetic men were because not even in my deepest

darkest moment would I do something like that. Yeah. You know, yeah, I like fucking getting your dick sucked. Everybody does. Everybody likes to bump into somebody when they leave, you're monkey, you have a good time. Fucking leak out on somebody's car seat. Especially as a comedian, but to walk into a strip club right out and this is what they

do every week. This is their freak. This is, and I tell people all the time that you're married. So you have these boundaries and then you present yourself with personal boundaries and you go, you know what? I got a wife, I got a kid, I got a daughter, I got to go home now for fucking hours. My wife don't bang me like she used to. She don't let me come in the hair no more.

All those days are done. Yeah. And even with women, when women go to a gym, maybe your wife will go to a gym, let the fuck somebody, but just to some day you tell her she looks good. Yeah. Everybody has their own needs, man. Yeah. Yeah.

Man, I mean, and also you see, look, Joe, you see these billboards now, you see these sugar model billboards, you see this shit all over? No. Sugar models, right? And it's like escorts, basically it's like high-end escorts out here in LA you can get, you know, or it's like, but it's not set up like escorts. It's like, oh, $400 you go to dinner with this girl or $200 you guys go to dinner and everything else is kind of whatever you do is your business, right?

But it's kind of known that, you know, sex is an option, you know, it's on the table for, you know, both sides of the party. So part of me sometimes I'm like, well, is, and I don't even think, I don't think prostitution is a bad business, you know, I don't think that it should be, I don't know if I feel like it should be illegal or not, you know, but I think it's weird that women are protesting having these billboards up because I feel like that endangers a lot of women, you know. It does. But let me tell you something.

I don't know, how long have you been here? 10 years. Yeah, 10 years. And I'm not saying it correctly. A lot of people are going to get mad at me. In your 10 years, have you met a kept woman? You know what a kept woman is, Lisa Yat makes $2 million a year, he loves Paula, he's been with Paula, he doesn't want to fucking do nothing wrong.

But Deondra. But what he does is he's got an apartment right across the street. He's got an apartment right across the street right here, Lisa Yat will pay her $1200 a month rent. Put three of his fingers in her ass. Put $500 car payment for her fucking lease out, he threw your company. Because your wife don't look at your books and you give her $1500 a month to live. That's $3,500 out of you.

That's $40,000, but you're making $30 million a year, Lee. Yeah, that's nothing. So, Lee, how many, and we've had this discussion, and you know it because you live in LA. Like when I went to acting class, that's when I started meeting those girls. Like I went to a girls house that was fucking neighbors with Shaq. Like you went to the penthouse, the elevator opened, Shaq's door was there, and her door was there. Yeah.

That sounds like a lot more than 1200 a month rent. Well, yeah, because her pussy was worth, you know, that's a girl that when you come over she bades you, she got your toenails, she rubs cream all over you, and then she goes to fucking town. You come home, you leave there on Saturday morning feeling like a king again, because your wife forgot how to treat you, and people around you forgot how to treat you. So you don't mind going to your extra bug. Give us that episode of Narcos, when they talk about Barry Seal, the pilot, and when

they found him at a hookah house, and they go, Barry Seal was from the south. Oh yeah, from Baton Rouge. Tom Cruise is playing him in that movie right now. Yes, okay. They go, Barry Seal was from the south. He loved pussy, college football, and hallucinations, hallucinogenic, mind authoring drugs. That made him a perfect CIA agent, and they show him in bed with five fucking 10s. Five, that's a 50, bro.

What does that cost you, Lee? What do you think that cost you to go into a hookah house and go, I want the five baddest bitches. I don't want them to be dented. I don't want them to have kids. No moles either. No moles. They got a guy in the back cutting moles off these bitches.

I want them to be five playmates for the whole night to suck and fuck till blood comes out of their nose. That's 10 Gs, a pop. You got to go in and drop 50 and go, I want them, yeah, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? Well, when we had Dennis Hoffman, he told us what, the guy spent six million or something crazy between Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's or something? Jesus.

So there's a bunch of kept women in Hollywood, and I tell you what, they come out here, bro. They end up in a roommate situation up in the fucking valley. They got to take a month after they get here, the car blows up. They're taking buses all around, but they really like Hollywood, and they're starting to get in my, and when they go into a fucking acting class and they meet some 40 year old, they just want to get into acting, but you don't want to get into acting, you know exactly what he's doing. He's looking for fucking little guppies.

How you doing? Well, I'm struggling. I'm a waitress three days a week, and I host this six nights a week, and I really have no time to audition. Let me take care of that. Yeah. You got a boyfriend? Yeah, but he's an asshole, and he doesn't call me.

Listen, I know you're fucking and sucking. Don't disrespect me. But what if I come over once a week, I get your new fucking apartment, belly held, brand new fucking car. These are some new shoes, some kids, some fucking whatever. Listen, man, how many women will go, what's, what's, you know, Harvey, for all the women that turned Harvey Weinstein down and a fucking saying all this shit about him, there had to be 50 of them that he stocked up.

Oh, and I bet there were 300 of them that also offered to him, and that he's probably said no. It's crazy. This works both ways, especially in a town like this, where you have high rents, people struggle here, they're young actors, they have a dream. Listen, you can still have a dream. Yeah. I used to go to the freaking parlor.

I used to go to the parlor comedy show, J Davis had the show, right? At the parlor, it was really big for a long time, and J's a great guy and puts on great shows, and we go over there, dude, there was probably three or four women that I met in there who were kept women, who had nice houses around there, never could explain what they did, always on jets, doing this and that, with the, you know. Oh, so they didn't tell you this. But then later, I would hear from their friends, oh, she's, you know, she's got a boyfriend, you know, but he comes in once a month or something like that.

You're the 60 year old guy from Texas. This is a girl I saw last night that I used to bang a little bit and, you know, do things and everything with each other's bodies, and she said, she said, oh, she got this guy, she says it's her godfather. She always frames him as, you know. That's even gross. That's not worse. But I just, it's not really though, but I just realized the other day, that's what the fuck

is going on. I could, there was always an element missing as to where this girl made any money, how she was living lavish in the hill, and she always had this godfather, you know, and it didn't make any sense. And then finally the other day, I realized, oh, that's the, this is the guy. There's no godfather, you know. This is the bank account. You know, that's the guy.

Remember in fucking pretty women when he says something, she goes, what are you telling her? I told him he's my uncle. Yeah. And he goes, don't worry about a lot of uncles come in here and I could just see it. It's just makes sense. That's gross. But I told you a little time ago, I told you, not, not a real family memory.

I know, but to even equate it with that, with the word, right? Yeah, that's my uncle. Oh. That's my uncle. Yeah. Just take a look. This is my, this is my boss or something. Yeah.

Can you let me ask you this, man? When I was, when I was fucking 20, when I was 19, I'll never forget walking around in the summertime in Aspen. Never forget this. Even my, maybe because at that time I was such a fucking whore, but I'll never forget 1980 fucking three in Aspen, Colorado, walking around that summer, eating like a sandwich outside one day on the park bench and going, you know. If I was 21 and I was blonde and I was hot, I mean spanking out and I had class like I

knew what a fork was and I knew. Yeah. Like I knew different like genders of shrimp. I would come up here, man and fucking from November to April, walk out of here with 10 Gs a week. Cause I know Texans when I used to work at the Crestwood hotel, Texans would come in bro and you believe me or not, they would come in with their families, Lee, you, your wife and three fucking kids, three little fucking morons.

And the first thing you do is you go up to the fucking center. Like most people like me, you and whatever his fucking name is Theo will go, Hey man, I need new skis. Hey man, I need a new jacket. We get in our car and go to Glenwood Springs. Yeah. Because that's the mall. Right.

And everything is cheap down there. Only idiots would buy shit. Like when you go to Snowmass, Villasasquilla, Aspen, only you're a moron. It's just somebody that drove it up there and raised it up a hundred percent. Yeah. It's like fucking you're paying out the ass. Well, let me tell you something. Guy, money, oil guys from Texas would come.

You get them in, you drive them, you pick them up at the airport, drive them, they give you a hundred bucks at the door and then they go, hold on, we're going to check in on our stuff and we're going to come right back. We need to ride up to Sport Kalen. They did this every year, bro. You gave them a ride to Sport Kalen, you waited. The guy would give his fucking wife a fucking black, whatever, the highest American Express card.

He would go into a bar and take you in there with them. What do you mean you ain't going to have a drink? In those days, I used to drink guys because Texans come up there. Yeah. And we would go into like a fucking John the Denver's bar, the towel and have a drink while his wife was across the way at Sport Kalen. Then he'd have two, to my drink, he'd have five. And then he'd go over, I'd go back to the van, he'd go over.

And spend, I mean, from socks to the salesman, they're fucking the best. They sell you everything. Yeah. And these Texans would come and go, give me the best of the best. Yeah. You know, I want it all. I want skis all around. Two thousand dollar goggles.

Yeah. Forty thousand dollars, Lee, in fucking equipment. You drive it back or they fix it for you. They come back up to ski, they pick it up. They do that for four fucking days. The kids are the only ones that really ski because mom and dad are in their fucking 50s and they get fired. Guess what happens when they leave?

Leave the shit. They leave the shit. No, they don't. Yes, they do. Yeah, they do. We're talking fucking, we're talking skis made out of bone, human bones. Forty thousand dollars. Slave femurs, bro.

Don't fucking tell me. They were, those bellmen, the reason why those people work at that hotel, like when I was working there in 1983, when I was working at the Crestwood in 1984, 60% of the people in that hotel lived off of the tips in the winter and fucking what people left in their rooms. Yeah. Theo Vaughn goes to, hits a fucking HBO special and has a TV show. What kind of party do you think Theo Vaughn's going in there?

Theo Vaughn's going to pay 20, Kate Quigley, 20,000 to lie to self on fire, okay? Yeah. Here's 20,000. Just light your pussy hairs on fire. Oh, I'm going to be eating black cats. Yeah, you like the premiere of the show. Yeah. Kate Quigley lights a pussy hairs on fire.

We tape it. You know what? He's going to go up up there. He's going to buy shirts and shit and he's going to buy 20 bottles of fucking, the best vodka. What he doesn't drink stays in the room. What do you do, Lee? You're making eight bucks an hour.

You walk into a room and there's three bottles of Dom Perignon and six bottles of tequila unopened. That's how you made your money in those days. Do you know how many fucking ski boots and skis I got given to me at that hotel and I would give them to people? Yeah. Like I would give them away. Like bro, what size boots you wear?

Eight. Joey, these are six hundred. These are six hundred dollar boots. Yeah. Yeah. Some guy bought them. Wear them to church, you know? They did that every fucking week.

So wait, and did these people come leave it and come back next year and do it again? Do it again. Oh, no. So what are they going to do? Bring it home? No. What are they going to do, Lee? Fuck it.

It's oil league. It's dead dinosaur sauce. But rent an apartment there and leave the skis in there. They ain't got time for that. You know what I mean? It's fucking crazy. There's that time. Why are you making skis?

Lee, you think they're going to fucking leave an airport and drop the shit off at a fucking storage? There's a tax in Lee. They don't give up. They don't give up. Lee, I used to laugh at those tax. I remember one guy opening up a briefcase one day in front of me. A taxon came in and he wanted money or something, put away like a jewelry in his safe.

He came with a jewelry, but in his briefcase, he had stacks. Like a drug dealer. No fucking drug dealer. He's a white dude that owned like a fucking meat company. Yeah. But when he came to Colorado, he came to Colorado because he knew he was going to Aspen four nights. He was going to buy blow.

You know how many times people walked into rooms in Aspen and bumped into a quarter ounce of blow or an eight-bowl, but you know how many fucking weight made just to come up to me and go, come here, look, give me like a gram and a half of coke that they found in the room. People want to take that shit back. Especially in New York, you can usually hit up somebody that's cleaning the rooms or whatever and ask them. Tell them when you get there.

We used to do that. Do we get there? Tell them we get there. You find anything good? You know, here's 40 bucks. Drop it off by my room. No questions asked. It really is crazy when you see the amount of money some people have.

You never know. Even at that age, like when I lived up there, I was like, if I was a hot girl 21, nobody knew me. I came out here from Jersey, kept it light, bro. Yeah. Real light, you know, put an ad where it mattered, lived down valley, got myself an Uber up valley. Just a soft signal where a jingle bell around your fucking ankle. Make believe you carry a piece in your purse, make believe a bodyguard dropped you off.

Yeah. And after a while in Aspen, listen to me, bro, as a young girl, if you're getting a nickel or a fucking nut job and you're getting two nut jobs a night, three nights a week. Well, if you're doing two nut jobs a week, it's $1,000 a week. And some of those taxes will come up and say, you know what, little girl, how about I just give you $10,000 and you just stay and polish this knob three days. You get $10,000. Go fuck my son.

Here's $2,500. Go fuck my son. You go home, you disconnect the fucking service, and then you come back three months later with different color hair. That's slick. Those checks are slick, bro. And they're masses. They're masses because after a while they just work, they're employed, they're just

business women. They learn how to become a bit. At first it's, look, when you go into a strip club and you see the girls with Honcho, the local drug dealer. Yeah. Like last night there was a shooting at a club in like, I don't know, some bum little fucking town. We used to do comedy here in California, they ain't even something about it.

But it's true. Those little fucking homie towns where they have that one club deluxe and the neighborhood drug dealer is VIP and when he comes in a little bit. Yeah. And they don't know that this guy's a scab off a fucking society's ass. He's not even nobody. I'm saying like, at least if he was the real kingpin, he'd be in New York with, yeah, he's just, yeah.

He's got fucking four grams in his fucking club box. Yeah. But he's fucking King Slade or whatever. Spunk or something. He's got spunk tattooed across his fucking chest. Yeah. You don't even know that his gang name is also a name for semen or something. He's just so fucking cool and he walks in and those little clubs like that, it's so

weird out. And they love him. And when you walk into like a strip club, you know, the girls that they bought into it, like there's certain girls that, oh yeah, bought into it and then there's certain girls that are a fucking profession. Yeah. Like even at that club where I went to, they got a bunch of knuckleheads, but there's a girl that when you see her walk in there, she usually strolls in, she's got a clipboard.

She works here. It's a work job. And yeah, she'll let you fucking stick four fingers up her knuckle on the asshole. But I'll tell you what, you're gonna leave there with your pocket sucked out. Yeah. You're gonna leave there and go, man, she was hot, but I did what for how much? What am I a fucking idiot? That means they got a talent, Jack.

That's the talent. That's the talent. I don't have a judge or woman for that. I can't. I can't. Well, we're doing the same shit, man. We're doing the same shit. We're doing the same shit.

We're doing the same shit. And I did the same shit as a criminal. Dude, if I had a nice asshole, I'd show it to people every night for a couple of fucking warrants. How many people, how many times have you heard somebody? There's a couple of people Ari hangs out with that. There's a broad. Ari hangs out with, not date-length, love-wise, but they're friends.

She sells her underwears, her socks. She makes a living. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Selling her bras, her underwears. I mean, somebody takes her bra and snips her fucking bra. Some dude, bro. Or even a woman or a kid. It's, it's, I don't, I don't, you cannot get mad at a woman for doing that.

I can't. Yeah. Dude, I used to have this dude in college named Noam, right? They called him Noam. This dude, he was like little, but he wasn't like a little person, you know, he was just outside of that, you know, just like a fucking, he barely, he barely made it. Just rocking that cusp, you know, like he could have been a lifeguard at like a midget only pool, you know, like he was just, but also where you had to also be little to work

at the place. So like he was just like above. And he, uh, anytime he took up with a chick, he would wear their underwear around his neck. It was like his thing, right? And he'd do that all summer. By the end of summer, this dude would be running around looking like a fucking, like he just robbed a bank in a wild west. He'd have like nine pairs of fucking women's underwear on his neck, you know, he wouldn't

take them off. Not for the summer. Now in the winter, he was, you could see his neck. He was natural in the winter. Fucking joey's a hoarder of pizzas over here. Joey's fucking customizing a lasagna here on his new happy guy, but dude, I didn't get to the story. So it happened.

I'm very sorry. Just a buddy of mine. I want to know when I was landing in Omaha and I told him he's been bugging me. Yeah. Not tonight, bro. No, I know. But Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, you see how I live and then I have friends that don't stop.

About a week ago, I had this dear friend, dear friend. I'm talking when I'm in the seventh grade, we played basketball. I hung out with him and his brother, dear friend. He calls me and I go, Hey man, you remind me, do me a favor. Your son does something with web pages, with YouTube pages. Like that's what he does. Yeah. Him and his partner will take your YouTube page and next thing you know, you're making

$3. Next thing you know, you're making $300,000 with each two kids. You can see it. That's what they do. I said, tell your son to give me a call. I'm going to hook him up with Lee. Maybe he can help us out. Yeah, no worries.

This happened nine in the morning. You know, at 12 o'clock, I go to jujitsu and that's when the phone starts ringing. I can sit there with two, 10 fingers at my ass waiting for people to call me. So as I get out of jujitsu, I look when they call. Everybody starts calling at 1157. I have nine missed calls from 1157 on. Sure enough, I got a call from the son and then I look and 30 minutes later, the father calls me.

Yeah. Do you know the motherfucker called me every 45 minutes on the dot the rest of the day? It's all about seven. I just wouldn't even fucking answer the phone because I knew if I had a phone, I was going to go the fuck off. Oh, I see what you're saying. So then he stopped at some point. I got maybe I got a two in the morning.

He stopped LA time, like a two in the morning, New Jersey time. I get up the next morning. And who the fuck do you think fucking calls me at 901? And I forgot all about the day before. Yeah. Like I was involved in my day and I looked at the phone and I just slung and I go, hey, do me a favor. You call me one fucking time.

This is a business phone. Don't ever fucking call me once than one fucking day. And I just hung up on him and I haven't heard from him since. Yeah. Because no, they don't get it. If you call me between seven 30 and nine a.m. What the fuck do you think I'm doing to you? I may be on Twitter, but my four and a half year old is on the floor over there

painting, asking me fucking questions. Yeah. So if I pick up the phone, you're not going to like the conversation. You're about to fucking hear. Yeah. So I don't pick up the phone out of respect out of my people's out of respect out of my peeps, I don't pick up the fucking phone because she's right there. And if not, I'm with her on the couch, watching fucking whatever.

I dare you to come to my house and answer the phone on the couch when my daughter's sitting next to me. I dare you. Yeah. I dare you. You have no idea what decency is. She will look at you. You ever see the look, the narrow gives Val Kilmer, the look that Val Kilmer

gives that retard and he's at the diner. You, you fuck around in my house and on the couch while she's watching cartoons. And I dare your phone to ring and God forbid your ring is on. Okay. If your ringer is on, she will give you a fucking look. Like, are you fucking retarded? Turn that shit off. The other day I was at Denny's sitting next to her and she was playing with her fucking

Barbie doll with two little shoes on and the shoes kept falling off. I'm mercy. Do me a favor. Give me the fucking shoes. We get to, we walk into Denny's and sure enough, daddy, her shoe fell off. I knew the fucking shoe was going to fall off. I fucking knew it. It's been falling off all fucking morning.

So I go sit off over here and don't move. So I go outside. There's the shoe in the middle of the fucking driveway. A car drove over it. Poor Barbie shoes all fucked up. Now I got to bring it into the cellar too. I got to put it back on the foot. The shoe was so fucked up, Barbie was limping.

So we're sitting there minding our own business and who walks in out of all the seats. Now the fucking place is empty. They got me waiting there because my wife went back to the fucking car to the house because she forgot that if she locked the door. Silo, who walked in? Silo? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No Silo.

I wouldn't, if Silo walked, if I walked in and that fucking Denny's, I saw, were you with me when we saw, what's his name in there? I don't think so. Yeah. You with me when we saw all the improvement. Oh, Tim Allen? He goes there all the time. That's a swing of Denny's over there.

Yeah. I just don't go in there at night because that's, you're born to get shot. When you go to Denny's, you might as well go to a Vegas to a country concert. Bro, look. When you go to Denny's after 10-hour days, you might as well sign up for the next country fucking concert and fuck them whatever, stand real close to the window and wave this time. Dude, this, this, bro, I used to do this bit about Denny's and how much I hated Denny's, right? It's not your special.

It's my special, right? So anyway, I was like, I wish somebody would shoot up a fucking Denny's, right? That's what I would say. Dude, some kid puts in the comments. He goes, man, he puts a link to a YouTube clip. He goes, man, my dad actually got shot up at a fucking Denny's. He goes, somebody walked him with a gun and shot everybody in the place. One star.

He goes, but I still love this bit that you do. And that was beautiful, bro. Here I am joking about it. He said it really happened. He lost his father. Right next to a fucking grill, bro. Right next to a griddle. You know what you got, you know, two brothers back there fucking sword fighting with spatulas,

how they hopped up on fucking methamphetamines, you know? Not knowing they're going to lose their job to a fucking Mexican guy sitting at the bar, you know? Unbelievable, man. But that's God, dude. That kid came and he was just positive, man. There's a couple of places where I go late night and I'm like, like one night me, Lee and Becky went to Denny's on a fucking Sunday night after a podcast.

And we were having a good time. But the whole time I was like squatting under the bush by that window, because the window is on Burbank Boulevard. I want to be a Crip. All right, shoot up at Denny's. I'm sitting there having fucking a salad and something with my friend here. And Becky's sitting kind of clockwise, so she gets it right in the head. We got to bury Becky with a hat on with a tent planted, fuck it off.

With a hat on? With a chef hat on. I was Josh Wolf, you know what I'm saying? Why do you think that shouldn't be in my brain? I'm scared of anything already. I'm scared of everything. You would look good in a chef hat. No, you don't think I'm fucking scared.

You see me, how many nights we leave here dying of hunger, you and I. One in the morning, sometimes me and him, he's cross-eyed. Yeah. This guy, at two in the morning, if I go and lean, listen, I got a sandwich coming over here, just jiggle my balls. I guarantee I'll confuse him for 10 minutes. He'll be sitting there confused. I don't know, I got these jiggles balls.

I washed my hands. I've done worse. I got a hand job from a Chinese checkpoint. Dude, I remember this dude used to fuck you. So who gives a fuck, really? Oh my God. Oh my God, this far is tremendous. This is the...

Bro, they had a guy used to tell us, right? He'd give you 30 bucks just to tell you he'd been jerking off this older dude. What? I remember when I was young, he used to say to me, like, look, I'm going to tell you something, all right? And he was like, all right. And he'd say, I've been jerking off. Give me 30 bucks.

No, and then he would give us 30 bucks to keep quiet. Because we were children, but he wasn't supposed to be saying it to us. Oh, he paid you? Yeah. Yeah, I'm not paying him for him to tell me that shit. Dude, I don't give a fuck. I assumed that when I met him. Oh my God.

But here was the thing I never even got to this dude was that... So my sister one time, we lived together for a while, right? And this was probably about eight years ago. She had this other dancer that worked with her, came over to our place, right? Stole our vacuum. She was on these colonopens and everything. And then she got all fucking, you know, warm under the skin one night on them pills and fucking stole our vacuum, you know?

As you do. I wasn't there when she stole it, but literally I could picture her probably trying to put it in her fucking purse, you know? Like the stick end and the purse and the fucking huge vacuum hanging out, right? Dude, fast forward year and a half, right? I'm not even living with my sister anymore. I'm in New Orleans for a bachelorette party or somewhere, a Baton Rouge somewhere, or a bachelor party.

They got a big fucking money deal, right? They wheel in one of those cakes where the women pop out like the fake cake and they pop out and they dance, right? You know, one of the chicks that pops out is the fucking bitch that stole my vacuum, bro, right? So everybody else, I have no idea. I totally forgot about this. Oh, everybody else is tipping these bitches and fucking, you know,

shaking both of their ass cheeks at the same time, you know, with each hand, you know, like they're, you know, like doing it really fast. Both for me. And here I am in the background and all I can think is that bitch stole my fucking vacuum, dude. Bro, I had half of a nerve to just the whole time just make vacuum sounds in the back. I was so pissed, bro. What did she do when she saw you? Huh?

What did she do when she... She acted like she didn't know. And that's the thing I don't like about people, I guess, that steal vacuums is when they see you, they act like you don't fucking remember. Like, I'm not going to remember you stole a vacuum for... I wasn't on Klonopens. I wasn't on Somas, you know? How do you even get, how do you get away with a vacuum?

Like, doesn't someone, if I was in an apartment building, I saw someone who was on, like, Klonopens with a vacuum just running down the stairs, bless you. So it's half of America, it's half of the neighborhood around here, probably, in Klonopens. What can they give you for a fucking vacuum? I mean, if you came home with a vacuum, what can I give you? The small 15. I was going to say at least 30. That's like a snow, I don't know, what if it goes kaput after they go down a block?

I'm no fucking vacuum mechanic, but I know there's a little fucking belt in there, and whenever that, when you hit something fucked up, the belt breaks. Like, I used to have a Kirby vacuum, and they come with a package as a belt. I couldn't do it. Like, whenever the vacuum broke, my mom would take it off and put the vacuum on. Yeah. And you got to be like a fucking technician, you got to unplug it, or the vacuum will suck your fingers in.

So nice to see you. Look at what kind of... You fucking got a great vacuum. What kind of fucking Cuban can't fix a vacuum? My mom, my mom could take the thing, we had a Kirby. Well, when I was a kid, they had like the shitty vacuums you could buy, but my mom was such a fucking speck. She was such a fucking neurotic Cuban that she'd load, she bought a vacuum.

Like, let's say a vacuum in those days, like a top notch vacuum caused 1495 in those days. Like in the 70s. Well, I'm lying to you, it was 73. Once we moved back to... Click on Kirby fucking... Nice one too. Vacuum. One little...

Click on Kirby vacuums. One you could... One of your sucky cats bit from across the road. Something got on my... I still remember being a kid and the guy coming over to the house, and my mom and her girlfriend and like a buddy were over there and I'm like, what's going on? A lot more expensive than $15 now. How much?

Well, no, no, no, no, no. What I said that if a regular vacuum caused 15 bucks in those days, this was a yardstick. Gotcha. Put it on the thing there. Like this was like... It came like when it came to my house, in those days, at toy stores, if you walk the tight, the James Bond dial, one of the coolest toys of the 70s was you got a briefcase.

Yeah. Okay. There's briefcase Lee. Check this out. There was this briefcase as a child. Okay. That's for like... I don't even know what it costs.

I don't... That's why we get into prices. Briefcases for children? There was a briefcase. It was a plastic briefcase. If you want it to be a secret agent. Right. And it was based after James Bond.

They couldn't say 007 on it. You ready, Lee? And on this suitcase, the cool thing about the suitcase is that it had a button on the handle. Right. So you could press the button and a plastic bullet would come out and shoot you. No. Because in there was a gun with a silencer connected to this hinder. It was off, you know, for 10-year-olds and 12-year-olds.

Oh, for children. You want to be an asshole? Yeah. Oh, I thought this is something my business name would have. No, no, no. I'd pick it up and go, and it would hit you in the chest and you go, motherfucker, and you would have the same gun. I was a bank robber.

But in there came like handcuffs, a rope, like all secret agents. Yeah. Like a telescope. Magnifying glass. Yeah. So my point is when my mom showed me, when this guy came over, what was so cool about curvy vacuum cleaners at the time, was that it came in a fucking box. And it came, see how all those utensils?

Oh, yeah. Like all those utensils right there for the 429 one? Yeah. That fucking vacuum had a beautiful case that you opened up, and everything was neat, nice and neat. Yeah. So we had a curvy vacuum growing up. And that was nice.

It was nice. It was classy. Your house was always clean. Look, you had all the brushes, all the things for the furniture. See the belts? Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Do you think you got, you think you're fucking guys are fucking dealing with, you see the little circle belts?

What do you think those are wristlets, dude? Those are fucking belts, right? See what I'm saying? That's what happened. The curvy vacuum should be getting a big for all these assholes that wear these braces and put, you know, help the fucking homeless and the sharks. Water for the blind and shit. I have water for the blind, bro.

I wouldn't know how to fix that. No, it's up. Listen, when the thing breaks, it's real fucking easy. I was just dumb. You take off the grill, bop. You take it off the loop. Okay. And then you take the old one up, snap.

It's like, if I take a rubber band and cut it with a scissor, it just snaps. It's just one, one rope. Then you take that and you loop it on something and you loop it back on the thing. You close the vacuum and your thing is tip top with glue. So I can't believe that they still didn't take away their loop. You people think I'm over here dropping knowledge with no fucking knowledge. If I tell you about curvy vacuum, it's because fucking is the shit. I'm a doodle.

You know what I'm saying? What the fuck do you think you're dealing with? I remember appliances used to just be so much more hearty, bro. The vacuum, you could ride on the fucking vacuum. Remember that? If you were a little kid, you could sit on there where your mom was pushing and ride on. Like it was like a piece of fucking metal. I love vacuuming.

Till this day, I vacuum at the house. I love it. There's something soothing about it. Something about vacuum. I don't like when it's too much. My wife, she's part of the fucking technology world. So we got a vacuum. That moves by itself?

No. No. That thing's a piece of shit. But the fucking vacuum's got a thousand things. I'm scared to fucking touch it. Yeah. Then she's got a rug cleaner because the cats piss everywhere. Yeah.

So we got to have a fucking rug cleaner constantly and what? Bro, help her clean the rugs. Just people's feet. Just us walking around with sneakers. Can you imagine? Your house is filthy. It's filthy, Lee. If you don't mop like with hot, hot water every week,

you know, when we lay down on shit, we dry so much stuff. It's not us. It's not us. It's when we walk to our cars. It's all that shit that we step on. You walk in and out of your house every day. Like, yeah, that was, look at that. You ever have a wall that's turned on the fucking light?

Your finger always hits. Yeah. Look at that. There's always your fingers in there. Gross. Even though you wash your hands. Muggers, whatever, semen, skin. No, that's not like that on my walls.

What's the matter? That's when I was 14. Come on, dude. That when you were 14. But I'm saying on your hand, when you touch the light picture, think about a light picture. Think about everybody's gross hand. Muffin pieces, a little pieces of muffin, you know, sugars.

Definitely semen. People have fucking semen all over their house, bro. Dude, I worked in a restaurant, so they make you go through like training for that stuff. Yeah. If I'm ever somewhere and you need to get a soda lid, I never grab the one on top. I always go in.

I never grab the first straw. Like, I hate places that have just loose straws, with plastic around them. I won't go there anymore. That's why, like, Marie T, they get the paper. Old school. You shoot the fucking paper in the air. Yeah, I don't like that, bro.

I remember, I was talking about this earlier. Like, when Halloween, when I was young. Came on the weekend. We didn't have- Me and ghetto boys that took a treat and robin little kids for bags. Dude, we had, they didn't even have individually wrapped candies. I remember this one house we went to, and their grandfather had died.

They fucking, his grandfather died on Halloween. They left him out on a porch for the night, bro. How fucking awesome is that, right? Knowing that he's dead anyway, right? But sometimes these houses would have- People think he was a decoration or something. People thought he was just being scared and resting. But this is when he died.

And that's when he left the earth. It was on Halloween, right? But this is a time when you would get, I remember this one house, the candy was all junked in the bowl. Like, they weren't all individually wrapped candies. You know what I'm saying? I remember going to a place where they just put the whole mince in there, and they would all, in one person,

would just get the whole fucking rock of mint, you know? So you're running around with like 300 mints on your arm in one chunk, you know? She came home with some candy. We did two or three things. She came home with some candy, but I'll tell you something. Like three or four people gave her little bottles of water. I can't wait till she gets old enough so she throws her back at the fucking people.

And go get your life together, give her the fucking water. Water to a child. We want sugar. I rated that thing the first night, Friday night, when I got home, I got stoned by mistake. And I started eating my little licorices. I'm shit like three of them in there. I ate them, and I guess that she was pissed.

Well, I mean, she knew, huh? Like, did you look through it? Like, when I was going up, my mom would look through it and take any of them through, sir. No, well, we didn't go to houses. First off, we went to the church, and we went to the school. Oh, God. And they have a thing called trunk or treat. And people pull their cars back there,

people that are involved with the school and parents. So kids can't even go to the houses anymore? No. We're going to do that on Tuesday. God. This is for little kids and whatever. What's going to happen is we hide her. Tuesday, she's got, like, fucking swimming.

And then she don't get out of there until 5.30. And we're going to bring her home by the time we get home. In fact, I'm going to... How are you going to be running late? Yeah, we'll be running late because we're going to fucking bring her home to eat. And somebody will ring the doorbell once the kids come. She's got last year, she just closed. She goes, mommy, daddy, bye.

We had to run out after last year. Wow. Because she just took off with the other fucking kids. Like, she was like, see, you're laying them. We're like, what the fuck are you doing? There's candy out there to get. So we walked till it got dark. And she's like, mom, dad, let's get the fuck out of here.

Last night she told my wife, let's get out of here. They went to trunk or treat at the church. My wife said, after half an hour, she came up to me. She goes, mommy, let's go home. It's good to go. Yeah, at least she knows what's up. But yeah, they got, they used to have... We went to houses.

We knocked on people's doors. They gave you pennies, nickels. They gave you big pieces of chocolate and shit. Chunks of popcorn. Chunks of popcorn, fucking food. Sugar. One lady used to just take a fucking two things of sugar and put it in your fucking bag.

And just throw it in your fucking bag. Just scoops? Shit. No candy? Not even a shit? She's fucking parents today, a fucking half of fags. Oh, dude. They give you kids dick.

The reason why I asked you earlier, if it bothered you, is because when I was growing up, I had a dear, dear, dear friend. That, I mean, Theo Vani was a sweetheart. Beautiful fucking young kid. And he had three sisters, all of them. Like each one of them were beauty queens. God. One of that, one of those families.

Yeah. It was him and a brother and six sisters. But all of them, like even the 10-year-old, you're like, Jesus. He fucked the whole family. What did your parents do? Yeah. Every one of these girls. Or treat them.

Like the second oldest one went to dance. But this was the fucked up thing. She danced two blocks in my house. Like within weeks, it was out. And you know, you'd be at the fucking liquor store with him, waiting for somebody to buy you booze. And somebody would come up to you and go, what are you guys doing, trying nothing?

Let's go down there, Tina's dancing. Tina was his fucking sister. Yeah. Do you know what, I would feel like my heart would fucking stop. And there were nights that I heard that he actually went down there and pulled her out of there by a fucking hair and shit. Yeah. There was a couple incidents with him.

He was a good kid. I mean, look, I don't think I was stoked about it. For sure. Right. You were jumping up and down and having a fuck. But look, I know the childhood that we had, you know. And I know I got very little connection, like with any, you know, I didn't have any guidance or connection.

So I know she got even less than that. You know, she was, you know, the youngest kid in our family. So, and I didn't feel like I knew her well enough or had enough emotional connection with her. She wasn't going to listen to me, you know. So, and what am I going to, you know, like, so all I could do was just be supportive, you know, tell her to make sure she wore a seatbelt when she drove, make sure she was, you know,

walking with people in and out of these clubs. And also my sister was a smart. She wasn't a fucking putz, you know. She was a smart girl. She still is a smart girl. I wonder what you can make as a fucking. She bought a house. I mean, she bought a beautiful house out in Arizona.

Like that's it. That's it. That's the proof of the pudding. Because if you're fucking smart and then they get to be fucking slick, like when I lived in Seattle, my girlfriend was a fucking half a stripper. She had the mind of, I mean, she's as dumb as a box of rocks. She's a millionaire today. Yeah.

She ended up marrying a Hindu. That was 80. He died the whole fucking deal. The fucking dying Hindu trick. Nice guy, you know, but let me tell you something, man. And I'm man enough to admit it from fucking 95 to 97. That girl supported me. Yeah.

She was making it bank. Yeah. And I couldn't go up to her and go, Hey, how did you make this extra 200 place? It's not my fucking business. Yeah. You know, it's not my fucking business. But I, you know, a lot of people make jokes about strippers, including me.

I got the utmost respect for them because it's a deep game. Well, look, I mean, it's a deep fucking game, dog. Dude, I hooked up with a stripper in Shreeport that looked like a half of a, what is a Minotaur or Centaur? What's one that have an animal for the half lower body? I think both of those. Yeah. I think it was Centaur.

This girl looked like a Centaur, you know, but she still seemed cool. She was a swear to God. She had the strongest fucking, she had thighs for calves. She had thighs up top and then also double thighs, no calves, you know, like just built like a damn fucking, you know, like a, like a squirrel squats, just like fucking short. Thick fucking legs, you know, all stomach, hardly any legs or arms. But I'll tell you this, dude, I, I notice, and here's what I notice. I find that comedians are often in, we fall in a lot of same circles as like porn stars,

exotic dancers, because there's some similarities. Yeah, no, we're broken. The similarities that somewhere we feel short and somewhere along the line. We need some type of immediate acceptance. Like if I sit here sometimes at night or not here, but many nights I've sat there and said, why did I become a comedian? I mean, did I need attention when I was a kid? My mom was on my ass when I was a kid.

You have it on your ass and me and, and, and making you feel loved or two different things. No, but it was the same thing. It's not like I sat there and, uh, you know, fucking, no, no, no, no. She was always, no, that's one thing I lacked the love of a father. Right. You know, so maybe that sparked it to have my brother. But I mean, do you think that maybe she was loving for the first, I think you were 13, 15? 15, 16.

So maybe maybe if she had, had lived, you wouldn't have been a comedian. So maybe from the love that you lost. I always loved performing. When I was a kid, I was kind of a musician. And then as I got old, I did karate, but my specialty was deforms. And I was really good at doing forms and putting together stupid moves and shit. And then I heard stand up comedy and I just thought it was fucking superb. And then I became whatever the fuck I ended up becoming.

Yeah. And now we're here. You know, so somewhere I took different elements of that childhood and I became a stand up comic. Do I drive a fancy car? Do I fucking jump up and down and jiggle for love at this point in my life? You know me a long time, bro. I got my own views.

I live my own fucking life. I don't give a fuck about what, you know, directors and producers think before you came here, you're a fucking man. And you got to leave here, a fucking man. Yeah. If you become what they want you to become, those are the fucking people that never came here. They never came here. Yeah.

Those stories I told last night at the ice house on stage, they're true stories. I told you got to go fuck himself on the set of this fucking high line commercial. Like I shot this Arby's. What is it again? Are you sure you want me to say it? No, what's the name of the company? Hardies. Hardies.

Oh, I love Hardies, bro. What's the name of the cousin to Hardies? Oh, Carl's Jr. Carl's Jr. So years ago, bro, I shot three national commercials, three weeks in a row. Like in my 20 years here. That's huge. I've booked like 10 commercials, but in 2009 or 2001 of those years,

I booked a fucking three national sprint. Wow. Something else and this Arby's, which was fucking money. Yeah. Because they pay you from both companies and they put the ads together. You have no fucking ideally. Dude, I did a shitty internet commercial one time. I made 25 grand over three years.

Bro, how many people, how many people stand in front of a cup with 7-Eleven? 25 grand over three years is a gift. Oh, it was, I couldn't, I couldn't imagine. I thought I was going to make $600. You know, I could never imagine that what I made down with 20 over that time. Oh yeah. And they give me a little, I told Lee for a year now, Lee, stop this shit. Go get your head shots.

Go give that guy $200. Go to Aqua telling me you want to go out for commercials. Jesus Christ. All right. I would do put you in some shit. Heard she kisses snacks or something. Anything that people eat and jumping up and down games with a jersey on. You're what it do.

You know, you're a Zombo looking motherfucker. Yeah. You could be the friend that's sitting on there. Got a chips, bro. You're right. The dip guard. It's a motherfucker dog. Guarding the condiments, dude.

Or fucking sitting there with some pussy on your leg. I love that. That sounds great. Somebody told me, somebody said to me that they stopped going out for the ads when they just focused on commercial. I was like, you know what? I think it's time for Uncle Jerry to get a commercial agent again. Yeah.

Because I'm going to book a mafia commercial once a year or a cook or a chef or a pizza guy or a garbage man. Yeah. If you don't, if you're not in the game, you're never going to book the game. Yeah. I signed with a check and a week later I get paperwork that I got to put my bank account information on there. And I go, what do you need my bank kind of information for?

She goes, well, if we ever need to get, you got to take that off the contract. Papa just gives you a name and a head shot. Go to work, bitch. Yeah. And don't worry about fucking bank information, social security numbers. Suck my dick. I got to give you a credit report. Who the fuck are you?

Let me see your credit report, bitch. Fucking people. You know, that's the, the attacks of these people. Where's Tony Bennett? Come second. They fucking people. Let me see your fucking credit report. Animals, bro.

Let me see your fucking credit report. Let me see your fucking balls. People. Oh, he sounds good, huh? I don't know why every time I fight, that candle is going to save you. You're using like a shield to death. That candle could have locked the wish out of my asshole. It's like zelda.

You had 15 candles. Right. My asshole would sink the whole candle factory. This is chicken flower tea that my wife made for lunch. This song? Oh, that food. Yeah, man. I've been eating some plants recently, so I haven't even been having any gas, man.

What? I farted the other day and forgot I haven't farted in a long time. Okay, that's the number one thing I think I'm going to miss when I die, bro. Farting probably and looking at horses. I thought veggies made you fart all the time. Not me, man. You're clean. You're sober.

You look good. I'm an adult. You're going to shoot a special. What do you want to do? I think we're going to do one more show time. We'll see. If not, dog. Listen, you see that arm right there?

Yeah. What's his name? He sold a bunch of those. And you know what, bro? You get yourself laid. You throw me a couple of dimes. We put together a little team. You take it to the Irvine Improv.

We blow it up on a few podcasts. Do it at Ice House. And you do two shows. It doesn't matter. Material, material, and guess who owns the material? Who's got the money on fucking night tones? Yeah. You do when you monitor it.

And you know what? This whole business is media anyway. How many people have free internet? And how many people have showtime? Let's take a fucking vote. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So if it's going to be showtime,

you're going to say yourself for showtime, fuck it. You know what? Let me go. Let me put a fucking arm out. You put pictures in there. You light and cased ass all on fire. Yeah. You with your buddies at the commissure wall.

Come down and support you. Do it on the night when we're all in town. People rather have that and a fucking CD. And guess what? You're the captain Kirk of the Enterprise. And you run it. Because you know these people are going to listen to you at work and laugh their ass off.

Yeah. More than they're going to tap into showtime go. And all that shit. Yeah, I agree. You're making them go to places they ain't there. And you know what? They love you to death. But ah, he went to showtime.

Fuck him. Yeah. I'll go to somebody who's on iTunes for $2 and 52 sites and I can listen to that work and giggle. And what about the video? Could we also put the video on iTunes, you think, Lee? Yeah, absolutely. You could do whatever the fuck you want.

With the video, I'd rather you control it. I'd rather you pay the G note, let them get the video, then pay another number and let them get a G note and let them get the video. And behind the scenes with Lee and Dustin, smoking reefer and you going home and showing your father's grave and you bowing. And yeah, let's go show me the camp where your sister

stripped the first time. And low key. Let's go see what they're doing today. Low ceiling, dude. They're developing a bunch of surface strippers. You know what I'm saying? Probably. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

Batman. Suck my dick. Suck my ass. They're all doing that. What's that thing? Batman. What's that thing? Lick my pussy.

Lick my dick. Batman. Da, da, d, d, d, d, d. What were some of your Halloween costumes when you were young, dude? One of them was probably Batman. You couldn't even have a fucking, a Boy Scout couldn't even be next to me

because in those days, you were flammable as fuck. When I was a kid, people used to light on fire on Halloween. All the time. For no fucking reason. Duh. Boof. You go to school on a Tuesday. The next day they come in with bandages

and a jar full of Vaseline and no eyebrows. What happened to you? Were you lighting people on fire? No. Just a wild night, dude. Listen, if a car was driving, okay? People don't spontaneously combust. Oh, yes, they did.

By those suits, they were made by some material. Kerosene. Dog, this shit was blowing up. So let's say you were walking with me, you, Theo. We got a couple of idiots who were 10. We're walking across the street with our little fucking. There's people who made costumes. Yeah.

But then there were parents who bought them. They came in a box and they came with a mask on top of the fucking thing. And the mask would cut your fucking skin open. Yeah, the mask would cut your skin. It was like razor blades. It was for tough kids. And then the suit, you were going to live

when your mom gave you that suit. She signed them for the Liberty National Insurance. Because, let me say it, let me put it to this for you, Lee. You're crossing the street. You got the hand that goes like this, you know, right? Right? But at that first light, there's a car. And by mistake, it's like a 1966 Chevelle.

If it backfires, you're going up and flying him, you know what I'm saying? Dude, they had some textiles going around our area that had kerosene. And I wish Lee, I was lying to you. Kerosene in the cloth. Yeah, you were burned. He was burned up in the heartbeat. Every Christmas, you see a group of kids, one of them with like a flash suit, a Batman.

You're like, that kid's not going to school, mom. Somewhere along the line, those poor bastards were fucking combust. Chevy Blazers would always do a fire off, too, at the end, you know? My uncle used to get out and run back to the back of the car and it would go off and he would act like it shot him, you know, when he'd fall on the ground. Because a lot of those cars were backfire. And they had a lot of clothing back in our area.

Somebody was making bad clothing and had kerosene in it. And kids were fucking getting adults, too. A lot of adult men, we were smokers, we were getting burned. Fucking hilarious. I forgot all about those fucking... None of the boxes? I forgot about the box. You forgot about the box.

And they had all different sizes, all different colors. And they were called, take your chance, Halloween. Making the real Halloween. Making Rooney. It was like I told Lee the other days, people want to get scared. Like, you want to be Halloween? Shove a dick in your ass and get a mirror in front of your face. And look at the reflection of your mouth open.

You'll be scared. How is this company around more than one year? They went to states where they endorsed fucking... Oh, dude. They endorsed fucking... What do you call those people? They endorsed flammable people. Yeah.

They endorsed... Juggler's wizards. You took your... Dude, they had a girl in our neighborhood. She put that mask on and her head was so big. It would like smash her face into like a shape of like a cookie, right? And it would take three days. Even after she took the mask off, it would take like three days

for her fucking face to go back to form, bro. I'm going to fucking pass that. She looked like Mickey Rooney, dude. This girl looked like fucking Mickey Rooney, bro. I told you, when I was growing up, you were growing up. Every day you lived for you, you struggled for your life. When you were rich or not. Because those are the kids who bought those little half-a-fact suits, huh?

Where those kids that had the flammable fucking Batman suits and shit. The kids that just... But like I put a sheet on my head one year and... Yeah. You know, whatever. Everybody's a fucking ghost. I'm a loser. One year I was a garbage man.

One year I was a fucking abortion, you know? I'm a fucking stunan. But yeah, you put a sheet over your head and put a fucking hanger around your neck. A stunan. You know, like a fucking moron. Yeah, like an Italian nun. Yeah, so that's what, you know...

So that was the fucking story. I dressed up before... I probably got dressed up fucking four times in 54 fucking years. Yeah. I wasn't a big Halloween dude. That dressing up shit scares me. Yeah. This week scares the shit out of me.

Really? Fuckin' Wednesday's deal on Morthos. Dude, I went this weekend to Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Yeah, you people do it the white way. You go up there, you think somebody's gonna come out with a boom mask on. I think... I go deep into the voodoo world. Do you know what I'm saying?

I go deep. I don't like candles. I put a cigar out. I'll probably put some Cuban food out for these fucking spirits this weekend. I'm driving crazy. I got some guineas on there. I gotta take care of this.

I gotta get a meatball for them from the rails or something. I got some Irish people. I gotta put a shot of whiskey out for them. You got the altar. You gotta have the fucking altar for your people who fucking kept you alive over the years. Dude, lot of... I got Balzano, Rago,

Dominique Speciale. I got fucking Jesus. My mother, my father, my godmother. I got Zahraida, my stepfather. He could burn in hell. I don't give a fuck about that. Oh, come on, dude. Yeah, I don't toast them for dick anymore.

I used to toast them. Get him a donut or something. You can just toast so many people. You know what I'm saying? I got people dying left and right. I got Ralphie now. I gotta get a picture of Ralphie and put like a fucking jalapeno papa.

Out of respect for that fucking cocksuck. I left me here with these fucking Gentiles. Cow-cow. I had a rough time after the other night's podcast because he showed up to the office the other night, Wednesday night. Yes. We heard the horn go...

We were talking about him. We were talking about him. I go, you know who gave us that leaf? That speaker? He gave it to me. Look how long ago it was. It was by that company that you get a magazine. Sharper image.

Sharper image. I got that in my house in a box. I didn't even know what the fuck it was. I go, honey, I got this in the mail. She goes, Ralphie sent it to you. It's an iPad. iPod charger. I still got the...

I'm so old school, I still got that iPod. I brought that here because the speakers are sensational. And right as we were talking about it, you felt like a little breeze. And all of a sudden I could feel... I could just remember him. He was just there three fucking weeks ago. Four weeks ago, sitting there.

And the fucking Mexican fruit guy came and he goes, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. And Ralphie always would go, pinga papaya, pinga papaya. For years, Ralphie's been saying that shit whenever you play that horn. And dude, first of all, everything he said is exactly how it went down.

But also, we're here every night. That truck, that sound is never here. That sound is never here. It's always... They came by to say goodbye. That's reality, guys. They stick around for 30 days. They just don't go into fucking the next image.

They want to see your friends one last time and touch it. And listen, I had a friend, Jimmy Burkle, that I loved. And I never forget getting a call from him on that Friday. He was in the hospital already. And he was like, cucks, what's happening? I could tell in his voice, he was done. He had fought. We would wrestle with kids for two years.

And I never forget getting a call that Sunday, saying he died Sunday morning and fucking. And he was saying goodbye, man. When Carmine Balzano died, I missed his call. When I called him back, he was dead. Wow. A day later, Frankie called. He goes, yeah, your phone, you just called him.

He must have just gone to the bathroom, got up and died of a heart attack. Damn. They call you to say goodbye. Everybody says goodbye, believe it or not. They all say goodbye in their own way. And if you talk to people who've had somebody die recently, give them 30 days.

They give you a signal before they leave, just to let you know that they got you back. It's the weirdest thing about life. Yeah, I believe that, man. They'll give you. And I know it sounds crazy. I'm talking about flatter than whatever. I'm talking about the spiritual world.

I was raised in it. So I get it. I believe that my dad opened up a lot of doors for me and closed a lot of doors. I was there a lot of nights, man, when I had a lot of choices to run. And I always made the right choice. I'm not, I wouldn't be in this fucking chair.

Something makes you make the right choice. Yeah. Something, something, everything in life. Sometimes you ever watch that voice, the movie, The Shining. Yeah. The Shining when Scatman Brothers talks to a little boy and he explains to them that everybody hears that voice.

That's called, you don't remember that? I don't remember that part. I gotta go watch it again. I only seen it one time because I stayed a lot of movement. Put on The Shining. Scatman Brothers talks to a little boy. Yeah. And you'll see, you got 15 minutes,

we gotta get you out of here. So I end you with a bang. You traveling, playing. What am I doing? Me, in my world, brother, you're gonna be one of the next fucking, top fucking comics in this country. And I tell you, this is your older brother.

And I got no jealousy. I wish you all, you stay on the right track. Tell your agent to push you out for more movies and TV. Yeah. Stop fucking around. You want to be a host, go somewhere else, go to Germany. And host Nazi videos and make real money. You know what I'm saying?

I appreciate it, man. You always are so supportive, man. You're fucking agents. You're starting to start sending out the acting ability, a little acting resume. Yeah. You're going to stay on the road till you're 90. So you might as well take a gamble.

You know, look at the paycheck from the acting and go, why am I going to do this, Uncle Joey? Because they might like it. And they might use your six times this one thing. It's not a lot of money, but now you're building credibility. And next year, NBC thinks of you for this new Fireman show. They're looking for a handsome guy from the South.

And bang, there you go. Oh, Jed's a millionaire. So now what do you shoot? 10 episodes? Are you going to get rich? Not really. But you got comedy in your building. And you got your podcast.

And you got Twitter. You're very funny. You know, it all comes at you. Yeah. I know you're on the road killing. I hear people fucking love you. You know what I'm saying? Staying busy, man.

You got to figure, we got to figure out how to get them on Thursday night to suck you a little nutsack. That's insane, bro. Because I'm bringing my nuts with me. I see you at the store. Here, put that on the top. You never saw this, did you, Lee?

Yeah, I did. No, you didn't, Cocksuck. I did. I lied to him later. How come you don't tell your girlfriend to watch this scary shit? Is that our senior? It is.

It is, Lee. No, it's not. Yeah, it is. It's with his haircut. Do you know how I knew your name was, Doc? You know what I'm talking about, don't you? I can remember when I was a little boy, my grandmother and I could hold conversations

entirely without ever opening our mouths. She called it shiny. And furthermore, for a long time, I thought it was just the two of us that had to shine to us. Just like you probably thought you was the only one. But there are other folks, though mostly, they don't know it or don't believe it.

Oh, that's why kid doesn't trust him, huh? No, he knows what the fuck he's saying, because nobody talks to his girlfriend. How long have you been able to do that? I don't know. Why don't you want to talk about it? I'm not supposed to. Who said you ain't supposed to?

Tony. Who's Tony? Tony's a little boy that loves my mouth. Damn, nope. Is Tony the one that tells you things? Yes. How does he tell you things? It's like I go to sleep and he shows me things.

But when I wake up, I can't remember everything. Hmm. What's the matter? Well, he turned it off. Well, he's getting nervous. Listen, when you were a kid, everybody has an imaginary friend. That friend is an ancestor talking to you.

You're talking to your ancestor. You never even know it. Yeah. You don't even need to go on ancestry.com. And as you grow up, you build, that's your confidence, man. Yeah. It's kind of weird. It's a weird fucking thing,

because I see it now with Mercy when I talk to her. She's four fucking, she's going to be five in two months. And you see the whole thing, you know what I'm saying? What's the matter with you? You don't like those type of movies? No, I don't like those type of movies. They make you nervous? Yeah.

Well, they play that fucking music to make you nervous. Yeah. And then it's talking about fucking craziness. Yeah, I don't know. But even back then, race relations wasn't that good, even if you watch that fucking video, you know what I'm saying? That's a great fucking movie. And that movie, that's a real movie,

because it scares the fuck out of you without scaring the fuck out of you. Yeah. That's a real director right there. That's a film that, you know, they'll watch Generations in film school and go, how did he scare you without scaring you? He doesn't fuck with you till the end.

Who's the director at that? I think it's got to be Stephen King. Yeah, Stephen King. Yeah, he's the master of that. Stephen King is the writer. I don't know the fuck. You know what I'm saying? Stephen Cooper, I don't know.

Could it have been Cooper? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. One of those crazy motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? What are you going to be New Year's Eve?

Me? Nowhere, man. You're still open? I got one set. Yeah, I got one. I'm going to be in Huntsville, Alabama in November 16th, 18th and 19th. You have to fly into Nashville? I don't know yet.

You have to fucking look. I think you have to fly into Nashville and connect. And get a rental car. I heard that. Yeah, that's right. If you have to get a rental car, I don't know if I'm going to Huntsville. I might just get one out.

I got family down there. So. Yeah, I don't like driving those fucking distances. We don't know where the fuck I'm going. Yeah, it's probably about a three hour drive. I'm guessing from one of the big airports. Yeah, that's fucked up. All right.

They've got an airport and shit. You like to land in the fucking Lexington. They got an airport. Oh, I like Lexington. I love Lexington. That club's great, right? They still got the leak in the ceiling over there now. The club is great.

The food is great. Yeah, it's cool. Next door to it. The fucking town is beautiful. Yeah. It's a cool town. People think it's not, man. No, man.

It's diverse. It's cool. It's hip. This man, me and my wife have been thinking about a lot of things. And that's. I love it. You can see some horses out there. I like the fucking south, man.

I still want to raise my daughter in some place where it's fucking normal. Yeah. Mental state. Nashville is good, man. I mean, I think Ralphie was on to something with Nashville. Nashville is a beautiful place. I know that Ralphie was definitely on to something. A million dollars to get you a beautiful place out there.

And you hit it out of there. Yeah. A million dollars. For a million dollars out there, that comes with two bottles. One of them is naked. Yeah. One of them rubs you down, sticks a finger in your ass, wipes your ass. You got a bell in your bathroom.

Can you imagine having a bell in your bathroom? And somebody comes in without a fucking mask on and just wipes your face like a soldier with a smile on their face. They do it without a fucking mask on. Have you seen the YouTube video of Lee in outer space? Have you seen it yet? Lee, put it on for you, boy. Just so you can take a look at this thing.

Can't handle it. When he first saw it, he said, there goes my job career. Well, I have my whole full name in it. I'm going to get some of it. Yeah, but I don't need it. What do you mean, who gives a fuck? Go about a muscle hamster, bro. Listen, you're 29.

Snoop Dogg became a legend from Smoke and Dog. Snoop Dogg never had a video like this come out. Yes, he did. Bro, you're the fucking human pectoral, bro. You are one of the funniest dudes around, Lee. Not a good place. Yeah, you are, Lee. You're an angel, bro.

I picked you from the fucking choir. From the depths, bro. Because I knew it. I looked at you and I knew you were shy. The whole fucking deal. And I knew you just needed somebody to push you over the cliff. And you're changing. You're growing up.

I'm gonna fucking give some shout outs right here to my buddy. Hold on. My brother, Matt Homeyer, having a hard time over there putting the pieces together. Dennis Hyde, my little brother, and nephew, Bob LaLingus, Nicky Campus Life, Nicky Chaps, Harlan Z. Alex, Nicky Shades, Fat Chris Blowchair, and Kaylee. You know I love you, motherfuckers.

Don't forget the funny bone on my heart. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And don't forget I told you this one. Don't forget I told you, got them. Four shows. Me and Dean Delray, Friday the 10th, and Saturday the 11th. Don't fuck around. Anyway, you got any dates to promote, my brother?

I got this. Dropping on me. Dropping on these people. This is the church. I got it, baby. They want to see you, baby boy. Let's do this shit. Come and confess, baby.

I got November 16th through the 19th at Stand Up Live in Huntsville, Alabama. There you go, right there. Come out and support this service. Let them know you're part of the church. Don't dose them. He's family. Yeah, keep it low.

And I mean Calgary, December 1st. If you got an AA book, give it to him. Go ahead, underline the evils. Hit me where it hurts. And then you're in Calgary. And I mean Calgary, December 1st. And I got my podcast this past weekend that you can check out when you're done checking out, Joey.

But your comics started struggling with any addiction. Think about this young man. Hit me up. He stopped me. He took over. He banged a fucking stripper in a cab. And he changed his life. He went to church.

He met a friend. They went together. And look at him, 18 months. He looks good. He's still funny. A lot of people think if I stop getting drunk, my friends won't like me at the open mic. Then you need new fucking friends.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? This is it, right here. Be yourself. And he did it in the major leagues. If you're in the minor leagues and you're having a hard time, just think of fucking this fucking savage. He did it and stuck to it.

This is a handsome guy. If I look like him, I'd be having threesomes every night. Oh, man. One eight ball every hour on the hour from 10 to 12. Drop it off in the fucking mail slot. You know what I'm saying? I'd beat my own asshole for lunch. Hold on to the dog.

I don't want to meet the eight ball. It'd be that type of party. What else, dog? Anything else you want to drop? Not much, man. I just love you. Watch the little league of the leagues. I love you.

And I appreciate you. I got a scoop too. Look at this fucking beauty right here. Look at this. Look at this. I mean, Molly. Look at the guy playing the edge drugs and lead just panicking. Look at him.

It has to be panicking right there. No, no, not yet. He can't handle it. Not yet. Not yet. He's moving around. He's frigid. Oh, my God.

At least that's what I'm talking about. Now he takes a breath of fresh air. Oh, he bumped him. He bumped him. Oh, Lee, man. We can pull it again. Now he's coming to kind of... He looks, he looks at the...

At least fucking Buzz Aldrin out there, brother. Oh, you made my day, Lee. Every time I see you, you make my day, Lee. Look at Pleo. Oh, my God. We tore him as Lee said. I gotta go. I love you.

You're all my heart, my brother. Love you too, man. You know the gate. How do you get out, right? Yeah. Thank you for everything, Lee. Thank you so much, man. Love you, buddy.

Love you too, man. Be good. You're doing a good job. You know, I love you, motherfucker. Hold on. Yeah, you're gonna run out of here. Yeah, actually, 10.15, I was gonna do that. No, no, no, bro.

Go do your thing. Send them my love. Thank you for coming by. You know, I love you. Same here, brother. You're doing your fucking thing. Well, look, I appreciate the support. If you ever need anything from me, I'm here for you.

Come on, though. You know your fucking family here. This is how we do it on the fucking church on a beautiful Monday. That's how you start off a fucking Monday, people. Amen. You people are gonna wake up today. You were feeling hoop-doop-de-doop.

Had a long weekend. I took my kid. Listen, it's fucking hard work. We all know what we signed up for. I'm working more hard. I'm working harder at 54. Then when I leave the door open, then when I was a fucking burglar.

You know what I'm saying? When I was a burglar, life was fucking easy. Now I gotta get up every morning and really steal with three fucking hands. So, like I said before, think of this poor bastard. He used to be out seven nights a week in the Hollywood game. Look at him.

He's sober. He looks fucking great. He's always got a story for you. And that's the way we're fucking doing it on the church. What's happening now? Before you get out of here, let me read you something real quick.

Let me tell you about a little something. And then we'll get you the fuck out of here tip-top. I'm not gonna hold you up. There's a bunch of podcasts you want to listen to. Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck am I anyway? Like I told you in the beginning of the fucking show. All right.

There's not a lot of things I like and I believe in. Lee was on it. I was on it. You know, Lee really stuck to it for a long time. I mean, he's still... I think he just got another shipment of blame. Another shipment coming in. My dad does it every week.

The dad still lives on it. You're single. You don't want to shop. You're listening to four days a week. You go on Blue Apron three days a week. It comes to your house right through your door. You pull it in. You take it out of the box.

In there comes all the stuff you need to make the recipe. They give you a card with how to do it. And each meal, come on, 40 minutes, 50 minutes. You take a shower and bam, your meal is settled. You're ready to go. That's what Blue Aprons all about. Because you choose from a variety of new recipes each week. Or you let Blue Apron's culinary team surprise you.

Recipes are not repeated within a year. So you'll never, ever, ever get bored. You customize your recipes each week based on your preferences. So Blue Apron has several delivery options so you can choose what fits your needs. And there's no weekly commitment. So you only get deliveries when you want them. Each meal, listen, comes with a step by step.

Easy to follow recipe card. Proportion ingredients and can be prepared in 40 minutes or less. Do you hear that? 40 minutes or less. Blue Apron's Freshness Guarantee promises that every ingredient in your delivery arrives ready to cook. Or they'll make it right. Check out this month's menu.

They got sweet pepper chicken with bok choy and rice. Do you know how to make bok choy? No, you don't. This is your opportunity to learn. You ready for this one? Black bean and cheese tortas. Jesus with roasted broccoli and lime sour cream. Do you know how to make that?

No, you don't. How about this? How about this shrimp and pesto fettuccine with spinach? This is a 30 minute meal. And a customer's favorite. Seared chicken, roasted four vegetables with caper butter, pan sauce.

Then you're sitting there. What am I going to have for dinner? Blue Apron. That's what you're going to have for dinner. Here's what I'm going to do for you with savages. What do you think you hang out with Uncle Joey? Because I'm some mook from the other side. No, because I'm hooking you up, Savage.

Okay, I told you. Check out this week's menu. And what I'm going to do is I'm going to get you $30 off your first meal. And that kind of hump to your house. Free shipping. Did I tell you that already? Free shipping. You go to blueapron.com slash Joey.

Check out the menu. You're going to love how good it tastes. You're going to love how good it feels. And you're going to love to create incredible home cooked meals with Blue Apron. So don't wait right now. You want to save money? Blueapron.com slash Joey.

It's a better way to cook. Blueapron.com. You know, you're going to tweet me and go, Joey, I'm living like a doctor over here. Number two, listen. Thanksgiving's coming. You've been single for a long time. You don't smell.

You got a nice job. You got a little bit of credit. You know, you owe your father $2,000, but who cares? You know, you're waiting for him to punch the ticket anyway. You want to look good. You want to feel comfortable. That's how you come. You got to have meundies.

Meundies makes feel good on these. Your butt will be proud to wear. Don't be the most comfortable pair underway you'll ever own. And to check it out yourself, go to meundies.com slash ju-ju-ju-Joey with tons of styles and patterns. From camouflages to polka dots, you choose from both men and women. Meundies will have the perfect fit for you or your personality. You follow me?

The meundies feeling is unmatched because they're naturally soft fabric that is three times softer than cotton. Now, for a limited time only, check out meundies. First ever glow in the dark print. Joey, what are you talking about? Glow in the dark print. Joey, you must be kidding me. Glow in the dark print.

Lights out. Why not update your underwear drawer and glow at the same time? Can you imagine? You meet a girl in your dreams. You meet her on that tennis stuff. You come out of the bathroom. You got glow in the dark underwear. It's dark with a candle on.

Who's talking about Halloween here? Meundies. That who? And if underwear isn't your thing, meundies always makes the softest socks in the world. Listen, like I told you for years, I've been using meundies, especially when I go to Jiu Jitsu, especially when I have short time. Why?

Because it's hot out and you want to have a lot of ink here, nice and soft. Correct the Mundo, correct the Mundo. So what happens is you don't have no moisture down there. You know, you don't smell like a billy goat. It draws away from everybody and everybody's happy. Go to meundies. Give them a try. What I'm going to do for you is this.

I'm going to get you 20% off the best and softest underwear and socks you'll ever own. Free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee from your Uncle Joey. It's the holidays, bitches. Go to meundies.com slash Joey right now. That's meundies.com. 20% off the best and softest underwear and socks you'll ever own. Free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee. Go to meundies.com slash Joey.

Stay black. Thank you very much to my main man, Theo Vaughn, who had to do a spot at the comedy store. But thank you very much for you savages. We'll be back Tuesday or Wednesday. I haven't made up my mind. But if I don't talk to you, happy Halloween, you bad motherfuckers. And I want to thank my main man, the main Christ killer of life, my little brother, Lee Syat, for always showing up and dropping knowledge

on his Uncle Joey. And that's it. And that's that. I want to thank Blue Apron one more time. I want to thank meundies. I want to thank you motherfuckers for listening. I'm going to drop a little something on you from Willy Cologne, Hector Levoe off the album.

Not cave, whatever. It's crime pays. Blast this motherfucker, Lee. I love you. Cocksuckers. See you guys in Omaha, Nebraska or the following week. You got them. Oh, shit.

Puerto Ricans, old school. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.