Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #535 - George Perez

Episode Date: November 20, 2017

George Perez, Comedian and actor, seen on the Joe Rogan Experience and host of the, "George Perez Stories" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get $30 off of your first meal and free shipping!   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever! FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 11/19/2017.

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Here we go, george forez The hannigan king the christ killer himself And your uncle joey He's so high. He's actually checking his lonely Only in the right speaker Oh shit, we go those shoulders and you're in traffic. You're sitting there like a moutage. Here we go Last night a dj said my life from the broken heart. Oh shit. That's not a dj said my life Last night a dj said my life with a song. Here we go

Kick it kick it lick kick this mule Wait till the black dude comes out. He's on probation. He's on his way You know I hopped into my car. Didn't get very far new Before I had you on my mind why be so unkind November 20th mother fuckers dropping on you the one day All around this town Oh Oh shit, there she goes turning on the podcast

I'm waiting for the big black guy to drop some knowledge He's gonna be there Last night a dj say my life Last night a dj say my life with a song. Here we go Last night a dj say my life Last night a dj say my life on the broken heart Last night a dj said my life Last night a dj say my life with a song. I hope this is it

Here we go. Here's the black dude. It's not a problem that I can't fix. Cause I can do it in the mix. And if a man gives you trouble, just move out on the double and you don't let it trouble your brain. And the way it goes, trouble down the drain. Oh shit.

Said away. It goes, trouble down the drain. Fuck yeah. Buenos dias motherfucker. Uncle Joey here. Ready to rock. It's a whole new week. You're giving it three days.

Then Thursday you're gonna eat turkey. You get to see your family. And it's a great fucking time of the year because you know what? You think about last year. What were you doing last year? I was in the fucking prison cafeteria. You know what I'm saying? Eat that fucking petrified turkey with that fake dark meat.

Getting half off at Danny's and shit. That's the worst. I went to Denny's one time for Thanksgiving. The family was mad at me and shit. And I was like, you don't fuck it then. I'll go to Denny's by myself. Listen man, that Boston market the night before. See they fucked it up.

But I was single and shit. I was living out there like a nomad. Couple Thanksgiving. You get a loaf of Wonder Bread. You get some fucking turkey sliced in from fucking Boston market. Some gravy, some potatoes, some stuffing. I don't like any type of stuff. I like prison stuff and stovetop.

Yeah, stovetop baby. Stovetop. You dope it up with some sausage. Forget about it. That's prison stuffing? Yeah, it's in a cardboard box. That's my mommy that's stuffing. I love stovetop.

She added stuff to it. Yeah, you gotta dope it up. That's what I'm saying. You just can't get out of the celery and the stamenkin juice. You know, it's funny before we were talking about this show I've been watching on Netflix called Hota Hota, Ben Benito's fucking Pablo Escobar. I'm not recommending it to nobody. You know why?

Because it's completely in fucking Spanish. And I follow the subtitles. Not even know what the fuck they're saying. Like, speak Spanish. But it's a very interesting show. Lee, you know, George Perez is on the show. Great fucking comic on his way fucking up to take over. He's like the cop of regime to fucking Felipe right now.

He's like, look at that. It's funny that... It's crazy how like you thought of me when you told me that. You were mad at me for not watching it. What's that? Right? When I walked in, you're like, are you watching this fucking show? It's superb, especially if you've been locked up.

Because number one, you see how lucky we are. Oh, yeah. That's a prison in Colombia. They don't fuck around. When they were actually in that prison, you slipped there. The paramilitary, they get you for a small fee. They got buckets of acid in their bathroom. They chop you up and they put you in the acid and they drain you.

Yeah. The bodies disappear at this capital prison all the time. I've heard of that. It's one of the worst prisons in Colombia. I just happened to watch that show a few weeks ago. It was on Netflix and we watched the first one or two episodes. And it was amazing when he went from the prison in the city where they liked him to the prison of the enemy. And how it was like completely different.

Completely fucking different. And it was like... That's scary. And he scared the first days. And the characters that they put in this, they put one of the guys from Del Valle. He's like one of the leaders. What's Del Valle? They were the cartel that was...

The enemies to the Medellin? No, to the Valle. No. Oh, okay. Yeah, they all turned on Medellin, but they all became part of Cali Cartel. Okay. And then the fucking whatever, you know, whether it's true or not. I'm just telling you when I saw Marco, I didn't follow nothing in those days.

But they went on their own. And no to the valley. Because they had the... They controlled the docks. So they can do whatever the fuck they want. Oh, yeah. I mean, if it's coming in, they're the first ones touching it. And if they were setting it up.

Yeah. So if you know who's coke went out before George Perez's? Who? Mine. Exactly. You're following me? So this guy was in there and he's such a nasty fucking dude that you gotta love him. He's Tony Soprano with no class at all.

Yeah, with no immigration. No immigration, no class. There's no rules in that world, really. They're fucking phenomenal characters. They're just... They're all petrified of extradition. Yeah. The whole war with Pablo was about extradition.

That's it. Yeah. Because they jail in Columbia. You know, visitation, they go to yourself for three hours. Now wait, they don't even have like a visiting booth? Hookers come in. No, no, no, no. Hookers come in.

They got visiting booths. But on certain days you get... And then after a while they give congenital visits and... It's an interesting show because it shows you what's going on in the jungle. What's going on in the prison. What's going on in the paramilitary. What's going on with the fucking... But it's funny when I talk to Lee how...

When I got locked up, I didn't know what to expect. I had a friend that had been through the system and I contacted him. I did not know him directly. And this is in the 80s too, right? Well, with him, yeah. With you getting locked up in the 80s. When I got locked up, I got in trouble. It was 30 years ago on Saturday.

Wow. I was still on the street now. I didn't turn myself into the 21st. I committed the crime on the 18th. Yeah. But they were on a boulder man hunt. The 18th was a Tuesday. The NT was a Tuesday.

It really was. And I hid Wednesday, Thursday. I finally came down the hill Friday morning. And I turned myself in. I did a month in county. And that was like nothing. That was nothing. I was just getting my head together, thinking about things.

That can't be nothing. Nothing. It is nothing. At that time... You're talking about you checked into the Holiday Inn for a month. Holiday Inn for the month. No, you didn't. My own cell.

Cable TV. Carpeting. Cigarettes. You rolled your own cigarettes. Old friends. Old friends. No, no, no. I made a bunch of friends in there.

New friends. People I had read about in the paper. Like crimes I had read about in the paper. They were there? They were all in there. Ah, fuck. The first guy I met was this dude that was snorting coke. And got so paranoid.

He thought he heard somebody kicking down his door. So he jumped off his balcony and he broke both legs. Soon as I walked into the cell, I saw this dude with two broken cask. That's what that dude was in. You know what I'm saying? I was like, oh shit, I read about that fucking dude in the paper. That story's three months old, dude. That was just...

It was like... And then I stayed in there for like four days. Then you do an evaluation. If you had a job at the time and go to school, they put you... This was when Boulder County jail was completely different. What do you mean by different? It was like... It was you wore your own clothes.

Oh, okay, I got you now. Okay. Breakfast was legit. Lunch was legit. And dinner was legit. If you got to the top tier, you didn't have to be a trustee. You could stay up till two. Okay.

And watch TV. Then there were trustees. I could never be a trustee because I got arrested for a violent crime. Yeah. So the worst I could go up to was Level Red, which was cable TV, your own cell, fucking gym all day. Yeah, they're not going to give you responsibility like that. No. It took me about seven days to get to Level Red.

And listen to me, 30 years later, the jail's name was Ron. And I don't know what it was about this dude. We started talking and we headed off and he goes, listen, anytime you need to use the phone, just let me know. It didn't cost me a dime. Oh, wow. I remember on Thanksgiving day, I was locked up and I called everybody who I knew and said, listen, I'm locked up. I'm sorry.

I let you down, you know. Yeah. And I sat in there from the 21st of December, November to like the 18th of December, bro. It was brutal. You remembered everybody's number. It came to life in your head, huh? Oh my God. I met a dude in there that I had read about, that this is one of the weirdest things.

He was in his car with his kid and his wife. And he was high on drugs and he flipped the Jeep over and his kid died and the wife died. And he ran away. Oh, fuck. And when they grabbed him, they found out he was looked for murder for the last eight years in Florida, where he killed four people in DUI. Oh. Like I just met these people in county jail that were fucking nuts.

I met this family called the Markleys. They were white trash. Look at me. I love white people. These people are white trash. What do you mean, dog? Good hearted white people. But trash.

What they did was they started a landscaping company, father and son. Okay? Father and son landscaping company, they're fucking rocking. They're running along the Markleys. The fucking, the son has a wife. She's pregnant. They have kids. The whole thing.

One day they get a bright idea to start selling coke in one of them on George. They went from zero to 60. You know how it is, right? Yeah. Yeah. You've seen it? I've seen it. When it stacks, you go.

Lee, I've seen people like you one day go Joey. I'm going to start getting an ounce a week from this Mexican dude from the cocktail. He's giving it to me for 600 and myself for 60 grand if you know anybody. And next, you know, eight weeks later, I'll see you with a brand new car. Yeah. This shirt telling me that you bought a condo and Sherman Oaks. I'm like, what? And then a year later, I'll see you and you're really ripped.

Like you're ripping with fucking dough. And now you're really ripped. Like you got three guys that you're delivering fucking quarter pounds to once a week. Like you're not that fucking dude no more. You don't even talk to people on the street. You're just a guy that meets a Mexican guy once a week and he gives you a bag with a pound of blow. You take it to your girlfriend's house.

Paul is Paul is the woman you live with. Yeah. You got that girl like in Goodfellas that copes up chicken that you pay for her apartment and you just go over there and on your body as you walk. She can weigh it with an eyeball. You don't even give a fuck. She sucks your pole. Okay.

You weigh your coke. You deliver a coke rock and give a $300 bill for the rent. She ain't leaving no way to eat. That bitch hasn't eaten a week. She has a yoga with a spoon in it. She takes the sip out of it once a day. It's fucking hysterical and you know what unless you and I can tell you this and we giggle but I've seen it.

No I feel I fucking see it. And these guys and next thing you know they went from selling grams to selling QPs balls QPs and bro they had Longmont controlled. Right. So they started and this is an average family. Right. This is an average fucking American family. What about stress?

Do you guys not have stress? Listen to me. Forget fucking stress. Yeah. When you see your money add up the stress goes away. When you look in your fucking suitcase I'll see your bed and there's 800,000 cash that you made the last year and you haven't spent a dime. We haven't said a word to Paula.

Yeah but what if you go to jail for 20 years. You're not going to go to jail. You're dealing with professional people. You get to a point that you have a circle and that circle is solid. George already did time. He ain't scared of doing time. No. I already did time.

I ain't scared of doing time. For 800,000 I'll do three years. You know what? I mean you can move four fucking kilos a week. No. Listen just hear me out. I'm hearing you out too but it's terrifying. It doesn't matter what you want Lee.

Your money will buy you freedom in there too. What I'm talking to you about is this family. So the family started selling blow but I mean they got so greedy and they were so white and so inexperienced that they started selling ounces but if you wanted a half gram call the house. Oh stupid. But bro in the meantime they bought four new trucks. Everybody had motorcycles.

They had money back in the yard. Yeah. Okay finally the fucking they got raided. I never forget reading about this in the paper and it was like a fucking you know the end of the binary cars and trucks. Yeah flossing too hard. Flossing too hard. Plus they had.

What does that mean? They just showed. They showed their money. Flossing too hard. Lee you keep that Volkswagen and if it gets dented you give the guy 200 not to say nothing. Yeah. You keep the dent on it because nobody thinks you're a coke dealer when you pull up with a dent in your fucking car.

Straight up. Do you understand me? Nah you show up with a Maserati and your wife gets out with a new head doing a ring on her finger. You're a dead man. Yeah. It's just taking a couple weeks. The math is not add up.

Yeah like in good fellas when that guy showed up with the pink Cadillac and the mink. Yeah and they throw him out of the fucking bar. We don't want to know nothing about that shit. That's your stupid world. But here's what the funny thing. This dude. Who are we talking about? We're talking about this family that we're talking about.

The Markleys. Yes. So now the DA got involved bro. These people are selling big numbers. When they went in that house they fucking cash and they found more cash and they found more cash. So the DA was involved. This is how fucked up the government.

It's just so people think about things that we don't make. You find that a lot when you get locked up. Straight up. Especially when you go to a federal place for a few weeks. You find out the trickery of the government. Yeah. So what these guys did was in their investigation, guess what they found out George? What?

The father was fucking the daughter-in-law. No way. He was at him 69 and where the- Ah. And how old was she? 28. Oh my god. He was 50 and fucking they were doing that.

They had had this affair for two years. Well she was probably making 400,000 a year. No listen to me bro. They were making money as a family. They were living like they didn't even know how to add four plus four. That's like a point George. The point was they started fucking. Yeah.

So now the feds were in there and said can we show you something? And they showed the son. They showed the wife? No. They showed the son. Oh. It's like you're my son. Her brother.

No, no, no, no. I'm your father and I'm fucking your wife when you're at work. So it's my landscaping company. You and ten Mexicans. You're white. You got ten Mexicans. You're making tons of money out there. While you're out there mowing lawns.

I'm fucking your wife. You're fucking my wife. Fucking your wife. Wow. She's got kids. She's got a daycare. She comes back from yoga. You give her a dick.

That 55 year old dick. So now the feds went back in there and showed the pictures to the son. And said what do you want to do? You want to snitch? You want to snitch? So the son ratted, flipped. So I lost him in county jail. I caught back up with them at diagnostic.

It's hysterical. What happens? Like I still remember vividly that story. But I also remember another fucking story. I saw a guy in there that was nice to me in county. And I was nice to him. Ba-ba-ba. We never talked like, you know, there's people you talk to.

Yeah. Just had a respect. Okay. So I make bail. I make bail five days before Christmas. I get out. I get a job. I work for a few days.

I get fired. I'm cracked. You know, they look at me nine years. I start shoplifting. I make up my mind. Listen, if I'm going to go to the fucking prison, I'm going to steal with three hands. Don't they fuck till I go to prison? Because I got to get money or fucking anything.

You got a pound of coke? Now I'm only dealing with people I know flipping it. I know exactly who to sell Timbold. I know who wouldn't turn on me. So now I went to work. That January 88, I knew, listen, I might go to prison. I might have a year. Yeah.

There's a chance. You know, I was trying to get a hit man to kill the victim of the victim in Arizona. By the way, people, I did call Ken Vella on November 18th and apologize to him for kidnapping him 30 years ago that day. And he never called me back. So this is what I got. You know what I'm saying? You know, now that I become a comedian, I've been getting hit up by people I used to sell

coke and weed to like back in the early 90s. And they're like, damn, dawg, you were always funny when you sold us weed and coke too. I was just like, I can't fucking believe the world I used to be in. Like it's a when you sell coke and weed, your customers are fucking very sketchy and weird. Like really? Like I was going to ask it is if you do just if you're just a pot dealer or a weed dealer, it seems to be like, it'd be like the best job ever. If you got, if you had it down and the people you trusted.

Yeah. Like that seemed like a very low stress job. Luckily at the end of the day, any real motherfucking drug is going to rob you for $50. Like you have to be very trust who you're going to go after. But you rather sell weed than crack, right? Yeah. But coke is way more people are coming way faster to buy it from you at night. So when you sell an ounce, if you sell an ounce of weed, that shit's going to be with

that guy for a week. If you sell an ounce of coke and this fool is having a party, he'll be there in the morning. But Lee, I also want you to remember there's a thousand different situations. Okay. Lee Syac gets a job at, give me a chain darling, a chain. Red Robin. Gotcha. You got a job as a bartender there.

You got 15 fucking kids from 21 to 24. And all they talk about is going out and doing drugs. You're best friends with this fucking Jamoc over here. His cousins are going to cartel. They got kilos. What are you laughing about? His cousins are cartel. You make a 15 an hour and you pull down $50 a night in tips and you got a girlfriend.

You're trying to play Joey bananas and you got to fucking pay a scouting. You got a car payment, the Volkswagen and you got to pay fucking student loans. You go to your friend George and you go, George, all these people talk about cocaine and you teach me anything about it. I've never done it before. Those are the people that make money. Guys like you that take 14 grams, throw three grams and cut on it. George weighs it up for you, gives you 17.

Every package has a rock. And at the end of the week, you're going to be selling two. You're going to see George twice a week. God like you makes money. Are you scared? Are you ever scared? No, because you sell it at the bar. Now, do you sell it to customers and you one of those assholes, you don't know nothing.

You have it hidden somewhere that nobody could find it. The cameras aren't on you. Maybe somebody drops it off at a certain time and you distribute it. You see what type of night it is. If George asks you, if Joey asks you, Pete asks you. So that's one way of selling coke. Do you bring it home with you or do you leave it in that spot? You leave it in that spot.

But then you're a professional. Aren't you terrified all night with your home thinking what about that spot? No, no, no, no, no. People know, man. You're a fuck. Paula's home right now. She knows what you do. You're both doing it because you want to do a getaway.

I had a cousin who did it. So it ain't that bad. They like, yeah, you're selling her in there on it. So now every night you call Paula about 11. Go bring six packages over here. Bring eight just in case Paula shows up, gives you eight packages. You get money. Once they sold you go back to George and nobody knows nothing.

I know people have done that for 20 years and not one time gotten in trouble. No, not one time. Okay. Then I know people who are savages who go to a bar to drink and they become such great friends at the bartender that whenever somebody comes to the bartender, the guy came in a couple of times. He knows them. He's friends with Tommy.

He grew up with them. That's Mikey's little brother. That's how he sends you over. That's the worst way. Yeah. But you're going to move. You're going to make $1,000 a night. Oh my God.

But you're out there. You're risking everything. Now you're coming home. You're bringing bitches home with you. They start talking. You take the other thing out. You start talking about the cartel, your buddy George. You're going to take over the city.

There's different ways to do it. And there's people who are dumb fucks. And there's people who are fucking professionals. Then there's people, Joyce. Then there's people Lee who go, you know what? Joey's a comedian. I don't know what he makes on the weekend. I don't know what he makes on the podcast.

But George gets this fucking coke that makes people's hair stand up. In fact, I had a customer that was bald. I was in a heavy metal rock band. That's how good the coke he's getting is from George. Let me just ask Joey. Yeah. And you come to Joey one day and Joey loves you. He's not going to judge you and you're going to say,

Joey, I'm going to ask you something. If I get you an ounce of coke on the street value, it's 12, and I'll give it to you for 750. Do you want me to bring one by every week? And I'll say, you know what, Lee, I don't do that much coke, but bring it by. I got a young 22-year-old that's sucking my asshole when I give her an A-ball.

And now you bring one to me every week, and then you bring one to six imaginary comedians that we know do cocaine that'll be well off. You're doing them a favor because they don't have to go into the street to look for it. You're not a cop. Pretty soon you're getting half a kilo. Every week, you're going to cut it a little bit,

and you're going to make eight drop-offs a week, and you're going to pick up cash from eight people legitimately. You don't think there's a coke dealer in Hollywood that's been selling coke for 10 years? Oh, he's bald. Jack Nicholson. I'm sure there is. And this guy and that guy and that guy

that nobody even knows his name. But haven't you always heard the story like people get pulled over from a broken tail light? Like, didn't something happen? You become a pro. Like, when you're using it, you become a pro, you find high spots. Like, you learn to cut your pants right there by the zipper,

and you put it in, and it's like, you know where they're going to search you and not find it. Listen to me, Lily. When I got in trouble for what I did, there were two factors that were going to make me lose from the start. A, I was doing it over an addiction, and B, the three people involved were fucking amateurs.

There's no way on earth if I was in a straight way, I would have done business with these two fucking morons, especially the Tidwell character. I can't even describe. The Fujigawa? The Tidwell character to you. I can't even describe him to you.

He was a white dude that, in hindsight now, you could tell something wasn't right. Like, his dad beat him. He was like Corey Feldman. He was not handsome. I felt kind of bad for him. I worked with him for about four months. And how I met him was I bought weed from him.

I reached Thursday when I got paid. He was a weed dealer at the Body Shop. What, old good swag weed and shit? This was great weed. This is Colorado weed. That was phenomenal. He had two different types of weed. And paid day, he floated me one,

and then I paid dad, I'd buy another one, and it was almost like that. He was very good to me. And then when I went to sell cars, there were guys that wanted weed and bulk, and I would go to him and I'd make a little profit in between.

But then the cocaine came, and I would go to him from time to time, and he was getting this yellow chunk from a strip club in Denver that would make your fucking hair stand up. And he kept giving it to me. I go, how much of this shit does your guy got? He goes, he's got 20 pounds of it.

So we started talking, and this went on for years. Now, the guy had a small Buick with tender windows and the rims were done. He had a loud stereo. He was flossing. Okay, this is 87. He had tattoos already.

He wore a leather jacket. He wore biker shoes. He had a pit bull. Okay. He had a Harley. He did everything that he could to fit it to that world.

Yeah, he was letting people know. He would talk to people as this. He would go, can you give me that weed? Well, I'm gonna have to speak to my partners. He was one of those white dudes that made himself more important than what he was.

Can you give me cocaine or not? Well, let me make a call to a few of my partners. Yeah, I don't know if the planes landed yet. I don't know. He was one of those fucking jerks. But I let him play his game. He always delivered.

And he was a half a mongoloid. But what do you want from me? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's the people involved in this business. And I met him in Boulder. But then he got ugly at George. He would come to me looking to sell.

He knew that I could sell shit for him. Yeah, he knew you had charisma. He came to me one day and he goes, I'll cut you a better deal. And he was always solid. And at that time, I worked with an American Indian dude. American Indian?

What's that? He sold cars. Oh, okay. He sold cars. And garlic. Native American. He looked like one of your cousins if he just speaks Spanish.

Okay. And he had a Mohawk. All right. That's what it was. All right. You know what I'm saying? I got you now. When you apply for fucking 23 and me,

have you spent the bottle yet? No. Go go home and order 23 and me. Let them send you the tube. What's 23 and me? They figure out your DNA. That shit's all bunk. I seen it like this guy spit in two things

and it was a white girl. One said she was African. The other said she was European. It depends what dick you sucked the night before. She didn't add that she sucked a black dick a week before. That shit stays with your DNA. I feel like I'll do it, but check it out and I guarantee this

like a picture of Johnny Sanchez's uncle with a bone arrow in his head. You know what I'm saying? So my point is that he just wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. But he came into my life at a time when a guy came to me. It's like a guy coming to me like,

I can't even say Lee. I have to say somebody who's a little wiser but I knew I could take him. Oh, I know what you mean. This guy came to me and he was brahmin' a big time bind. I got a DUI. This guy was a class act. He got a lot of this guy.

Yeah, he was creative. I worked with this guy for about two months and every day was the day. Like Lee, how I talk to you twice a week is how he would go every day. Like as soon as you got to fucking work at 8.30, there was an employee meeting. You got like a bagel and a cup of coffee and soda

and right from there, he already plotted out how he was gonna get the booze for the day, where he was gonna go get cocaine and who was smoking the first joint behind the building. Oh shit. So I would let him go because I don't get high in the daytime. I was there to sell cars.

So he had all the two or three guys and that's all they did. Is there a lot of cocaine using for car salesmen? Oh my god. Yeah, I could imagine. At that first place I worked at, it was the first management I worked with there. The guy that ran the place was the fearless leader.

He was snorting up a stone. All right? And there was one dude who wasn't. That was doing bumps, but he wasn't doing it. And he was my mentor at the time. There was a couple of white dudes that didn't do it. But every other salesman there, there was two Indian dudes that were brothers,

that were big, like 48 hours. There was a medium white dude. Those dudes got down from 8.30 in the morning to 9 o'clock at night. Oh, just like moving cars. It was crazy. And then that was like a weird place. That was like a weird place.

Every place had their little problems. So I said, fuck it. I went to a fucking Chrysler Plymouth store. Is that another dealership? Two miles down. Beautiful. It was a Dodge. And on the other side of the bridge was Chrysler Plymouth.

Dodge had eight salesmen. Chrysler Plymouth had three and they were looking for one. The manager was an old Jew from New York named Art Pressler. Okay. Slick motherfucker. Didn't look it. Very lead. Looked like Lee.

Only 54, a little older with a beard. Very, he had been there for eight months and he took the sales force from 22 cars a month to 50 a month. Oh. And he liked me because I was from New York and he goes, you'll keep me company. I'm dealing with all these white fucks out here.

You know, they don't know what a fucking bagel is and the only shit. At that place, bro, within two weeks, when I got there, I'm like finally I'm at a place, bro, that I'm the only junkie. I feel you. But they don't know it because I'm not coming in here junked up.

When I leave here, I go home and get junked up. Even if I stay up till four, I jerk off and I show up here at 8.30 and I'm fine. I'm 20 fucking five. Yeah, your hair's gone. They don't know. They don't know nothing. I'm 25 hours sleeping, two hours a night.

Working out, working all day, lifting weights, drinking, snorting. I was going to say, how much are you snorting then? At the time, I was snorting. If I was snorting, at that time, if I was snorting a half gram a night and I would drink three cocktails at Red Robin, but then something happened, bro.

One of the dudes that worked there, Rob, I used to always see him sniffle. And then there was this other dude, one day a customer came in and it was his turn and he goes, I can't take him right now. And when I walked in there, I could tell his jaw was gone. Oh, he was fucking. So I'm like two for two.

This is kind of weird. And then there was a white dude that was half Indian. He was the guy that was getting weeds in the reservation. No, I was giving him weed. I was hooked up with this dude because I worked at this car dealership. This is crazy. You have an Indian, a Jew from New York.

I had a Jew from New York that was a sales manager. Then there was four offices. So there was four salesmen. One white dude looked like Lee Harvey Oswald. All right. He looked just like Lee Harvey Oswald. He acted like him. I think his name was John Harvey.

Then the other guy was a white dude, but he was really an American Indian. And he knew people up at the fucking Indian border. Yeah. Then the other dude was an Italian dude. That was from like Chicago. That was a tremendous salesman, but he was a cocaine and a half.

And then there was me. But I kept my drug secret at that point out of that. Yeah. Until I saw the Italian dude coked up and I saw the white dude coked up. And now I knew something was up at this place. So pretty soon I got the scoop of it. Somebody offered me a bump.

I did it the next day. You know what I'm saying? You're in. And I asked him, how do I get some more? And I looked at him and he goes, go to art. My heart stopped, Lee. That's like George Perez giving me three bumps. And I go, who do you get this fucking coke from?

He goes, Lee. Way to say. Way to say. Yeah. You don't get this coke from. He's a smart motherfucker. Because Lee had taken me by that point. This dude, our press.

I mean, that was a great car salesman, but I didn't know the basics. I know what you mean. I was a street salesman. So I could sell you anything, but he slowed me down and showed me the basic basics. How to really suck a man. Like a true fisherman.

Oh my God. This guy was a genius. And he goes, listen, since I got here, this guy was a bum. He's making eight grand a month. Wow. That guy was a killer. He was making eight grand already.

He's making 16 grand. And the other dude, he was a bum. He was making two grand a month. Now he's making four. He goes, if you do what you do on 10 cars, I'll make you anywhere from seven to 10,000 a month. If you do it my way to the book. And bro, it took everything in my power

for me to do it exactly how he would say it. But I made more money than ever those three months. What were your averaging a month? When I was at Subaru, I was probably selling 15 to 16 cars and making $7,000 a month. Fuck, that's a lot in 88. Okay.

At Hollister, I was selling eight cars and making $9,000 plus my car was for free. Oh. I could, Lee, I could. With insurance. Lee. Just no insurance. Free.

As long as I sold seven cars, the car was free. And every month I kept driving in and go, you know what? I don't want to drive this. I don't want to voyage you. Bro, it was like stealing heart pressure and told me the art of fucking selling cars. And the next thing you know,

this dude says to me, you didn't know? Go to Hardy. My heart broke. It was like when I found out that Joe Montana did coke. My heart broke in the van that day. I was like, no, he doesn't. Bro, he's a big-ass cokehead and shit. Yeah, that's where he gets the comeback power from.

So I went to Hardy one day and I didn't, I wouldn't even talk to him about it. I would send other people to get the coke from Hardy for me. Just went on for like two or three months. His coke was on fire, dog. And he was getting it from a dude. So I watched him for like three months. I watched him.

His game was basic. He would get it from somewhere and he would drop off three ounces on you and go, see you next month. Yeah, I need that 2400. And then he comes to the first of the month and nobody knew nothing. Fucking unbelievable, the way you watch it happen.

Oh, dog, it's happened to me at work. Like I've worked at so many strip clubs and every strip club has like their own drug dealer that like the girls trust, the manager trust. He, you know what I'm saying? He ices the fucking, the door guy after I throw some to me. Then he, you know what I mean? He takes care of it and then now he's in.

Okay. So when he gives you that money, what does that mean? What do you give him? He's giving me money. He's giving me cocaine. He gives him a package. He goes, hey man, if you like it, let everybody know.

Here, here's some more. Help me out. Hey, you know what I mean? I'm not giving it. I'm selling it to these bitches. I'm like, hey, try this out. Try this out. And it's fucking crazy, man.

I've seen it at strip clubs. I've seen it at bars. I remember one time I went to like a movie screening and we were in downtown L.A. and we go to this bar. And that's when I realized motherfuckers from L.A. don't care. This fool just put it in the dollar right there. He goes here, sniff that. And I was like, dude, we're right by the bar.

How am I supposed to sniff that? Leave the world of the drug dealer. Let's like my limit. Free pussy all day. What's the closest bar around here that you would actually enter? Big Wings. Big Wings. Big Wings has two drug dealers.

At all times. A hot waitress that her boyfriend is a coke dealer. So she brings an eight-ball with her to work every night. Oh, she steals from him. It makes her money because she's a hustler. No, no, no, no. She's legit because she'll go back in the middle of the night and get more.

And then you have the door guy, one of the door guys. Yeah. Let's go. Okay. They sell it to the staff at first. Are you being serious? It's the way of the business. I recently went to a bar.

Okay. I recently went to the month ago one night. Four weeks ago, five weeks ago. You know why state changes? I went to a bar. The dear friend of mine owns. So I sat there. I welcomed his family, welcomed me, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Now there's a little restaurant, but on the other side, it's a bar. And it's guys that are me now that I'm 54. They have me at 22. So as I walk in, I feel it. I sit in the back. I make believe I don't know nothing. Football's on. The influence of Saturday.

I sit down. I watch the bars got maybe 30 deep. They're yelling. They're gambling. They're screaming. I haven't seen this guy in about three years, so he sits over. He orders foods for me and the other comedian. We're watching that.

I flip over. I go, you know what? I don't want to sit with my back to the door. Let me flip this way and then watch the bar. And there was two hot blonde bartenders. Beautiful. Cleavage. No big deal.

No. And there was a door guy and there was a fucking two bathrooms. Dog. I watch six drug deals go down. And five of them were one guy and one of them was with a chick. That you would have sat there all day. Lee. It would not have seen a thing happen just because that was me.

We know the world. We know the world. We see how it happened. You know, it's like, and then we see the girl that's with you. That you brought in that you met at the like, that's how I caught it. You know how I caught it with the weakest link in the thing. A guy comes in that works with a chick that's going to suck his dick. But he doesn't know that she's a junkie.

Oh, okay. So you met her at the fucking movie theater. She comes in with you and while you're drinking, she goes, oh my God, I lost my ATM card. Can I borrow 50 bucks from you, Lee? And I'll give it to you tomorrow. You're like, yeah, you give me the 50 and I saw her like run over, make believe she was doing something, make believe she was talking to a waitress that she told Lee she had on giving 50 bucks.

That was a sister. And then she went to the drug dealer and I saw her go to the bathroom, come back, kiss the guy in the cheek. The guy thought he was getting pussy. You don't know. He's already minus 50. He's already minus the fifth. That's fucking crazy how you see it.

And no matter what bar you go to, if you go to, if I send you to Mar-a-Lita, where'd you go? Lumpock. If you go to Lumpock and you sit at Lumpock at five o'clock and you go over, you either have to out back, right? Or you have the other. They got them at all back too. You'll sit at all back at the bar and people come in that come in there every fucking night

and within an hour, you'll see something irregular. You'll see something irregular. And it helps the bar like when your boss turned to wants it. Yeah. Listen, a bar owner wants to know, but he doesn't want to know. He doesn't want to know. He doesn't want to know. He doesn't want to know.

It keeps everybody drinking. It keeps everybody drinking. So if you guys see it, why don't the cops see it? They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. They're not really caring. Because even if they come in there, Lee, and they go, Lee, how you doing? I'm a detective Diaz.

There's anything illegal to you here at night and you're like, no, I don't see nothing. I'm here all the time. I'm the night manager. Do you see activity here? Have you ever seen this guy, Mr. Perez in here? You mean George? Yeah. George Perez.

George Perez is a gentleman. He comes in at night. He eats a fucking taco every night. I don't know why. Fucking kid. He could eat a taco at home. He's Mexican. I don't know why he eats here.

You know what? We have pretty good Mexican. And then you start confusing. Yeah. We have a pretty good Mexican taco. Have you ever had a taco? I'll get you two of them. Hold on, officer.

No, no, no, no. All right, all right, all right. We get it. Dude, it's like if you go to a bowling alley, there's all these fucking 24 and over kids. They're selling the Xanax, the EDC pills, the oxy cottons, the ecstasy. What's an EDC pill? That's those new pills that they come out. They're called triple stack shit.

Like, eight dollars. There's drugs right now that like my son like shows me eight dollars. Look, motherfuckers are trying to drug me. Brought on this triple stacked iron man. I don't know what. I did a fucking listen. A buddy of mine, I haven't seen him in six years, gave me a hug on a comedy show. And he goes, how are you doing?

And we talked and he asked me for one to do a line in the hotel room. I said, I don't do that shit no more. I knew this motherfucker on my own Houston days. Oh, I do date the black chick. And he goes, what are you going to do after the whole time? I go, listen, I don't fucking go to bed because I got to catch a fly the fourth. They're already brought. I'm sorry.

I didn't know you were coming. We lost contact. So he talks in 10 more minutes. He goes, do you want Xanax or two? I go, you know, whatever you got. So he gave me two of those Xanax is the same ones. I get the white ones. But then he gave me the circle with T something on it.

Some three letters. Okay. He didn't tell you what it was. No. I go, what is this? He goes, it's like a baby vicar. I took the fucking Xanax, just put them in my own thing and the baby vicar. I didn't touch that baby vicar until one night I went in there for Xanax before the

comedy store. And I saw the baby vicar and I go, what am I doing tomorrow? You know what I'm saying? Let's take a chance. And I fucking went home that night and on the way up Laurel Canyon, I popped it. And by the time I got home, nothing. And then about an hour later, I started getting this warmth, bro. Warms?

Yeah. Like this warp came on. This is good. And within 20 minutes, bro, I had a rash everywhere. At least that's what it felt like. I scratched from head to fucking toe. I've been there. I've been there.

Oh my God. Then I lay down and my wife finally said, why don't you get them and put some powder on? Cause I was scratching everything. My feet, my neck. Yeah. It's embarrassing the next day you're walking around with fucking band-aids on your face. No, fuck you, man.

I don't like my little fucking Xanax. I'm on the road when you got a three hour difference. Xanax will knock you. I've never took a Xanax. Me either. Bro, there's so many different fucking things. Animals out there. I got to be careful because of the fucking sleep apnea.

Isn't that what the wrapper just passed away from? What do you say, yeah, sleep apnea? No, no, Xanax. Who? What wrapper? That 21 year old YouTube kid. He's 21 year old YouTube kid. He's not a rapper in my world.

He was a rapper too. Listen, if I'm with a woman and we start snorting Friday at two in the morning, we go back to our house and we got both of us. She got a quarter ounce. I got a quarter ounce and we're going Saturday night. We're eating Xanax to get our dick hearts. Yeah. I had to get some blood, her pussy.

Xanax gets the blood right to the clit. It's tremendous. That little ice cube and a couple flakes of the finger. And then monkey juice back to life. The jab. Next thing you know, you know what, man? You look down the next morning and you've eaten a jar of Xanax, bro. And people do that all the time and lose count.

Is that what Lamar Odom was doing when he was over there in the hotel in Vegas? He was on Xanax cocaine. Because you're eating the Xanax like every hour on the hour and you're snorting fucking gorilla lines. Like I was doing. Yeah. Like first down at the football game, lines like that. Oh, you're snorting gorilla fucking lines.

Like a guy like myself did. I'm very guilty of that. And you're popping Xanax like one an hour because you got a hot chick there and you want to give it. So the Xanax can get, it's like a Viagra you're telling me. In my world, it at least kept it in the ball game. But you can still pinch it. Xanax, I got hard and I wouldn't come.

Oh. Not for two hours. I got you for like 20 minutes. No. Six minutes. If I stay alive for six minutes, I could flip them over, eat theirs and stick a finger in their muffler and so it just on their neck. Oh my God.

And they lose half of it. You know what I'm saying? On their neck. Do a couple more bumps. They suck your horn. You move on. Whatever. I don't fucking know.

I'm just using my generation. Hey, you just brought some shit up, man. I remember doing some fucking cocaine off like titties and belly buttons. I remember one time we did it off this bitch's pants. Cause it fell in her pocket. So we fucking took the stitching off the pocket with the razor and like the pocket was here and everything went up there. Oh, lean off.

Fucking pieces of pennies that fell off Lincoln's face. Shit burned my brain though. Cause you know, there was probably detergent that was dried in there too. It burned my brain dog. Listen, man. I snorted shit off bathrooms. You know, I snorted stuff. Changing tables.

You know, you don't know whether it's sheet rock. You don't know if it's the little sponge white foam that they spit on. You just don't know at five in the morning. You're just scraping fucking pens and pencils. Remember when the BIC, you would take the thing out and snort and that. The end of the night, the BIC would be white and you'd scrape it out and get that one last line. Yeah. You know, I mean, we said.

Them claiming. I did creepy fucking shit that I keep close to my heart because I never want to do that again. Yeah. I saved like 20 baggies once. You know how the baggy has a resin and I got a fucking razor and I fucking scratched it down. I had like two big old lines.

Oh, how scandalous the way my heart was beating when I was cutting it. That building I lived at Hollywood. I had an elevator and I would call the dealer and I would run to the elevator and go down to the first one, run down, get the coke. And at this time, I wouldn't even like, I wasn't saving coke. Yeah. I wasn't hoarding coke. I would have in my pocket already a rolled up dollar when a piece of Scott's tape on it.

Why? Because as I was walking up into the elevator, I was already grinding the coke and the bendel. Oh, okay. And I wouldn't press number four until all the coke was grinding. And once I pressed number four, the bendel was open and the dollar bill was already in. So by the time I got to the fourth floor, the whole package was gone. At that time, I wasn't doing coke like normally at the end.

Felipe came on and he told the story about, bro, I'm very Lee. I knew Felipe had a problem at this time. I had a horrible problem. But Felipe, I'd be up waiting for you. Yeah. He told me he would hide it from you. We would hide it from each other. Yeah.

Because I knew that he was going somewhere else with it. Like, Felipe is the type of dude that gets hired and he'll take a fucking, he'll get in the car with Lee and go to a party in San Diego at four in the morning. Yeah. I'm that kind of fool too. I don't do that type of shit. I stay home in my business. I'll stay home with your girl.

Go ahead. You go. I'll stay home when I leave my six. Yeah. As I got older. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? You realize that?

No, no, no, no. I was never one of those guys. We're here. We're good. Yeah. We're here. We're good. I've been that guy.

Yeah. We're here. We're good. Another party and then people try to fuck the fuck up. Felipe would leave through people at four in the morning with different people. We're all together. And all of a sudden, where's Felipe? Left with those three Mexican dudes.

Okay. God bless them. He never even came in and checked in. And I don't, people, I'm talking about 2001 Felipe, 2002 Felipe. When we used to do Wednesday nights down at that fucking place, the crazy place. So we were talking. Wow. Coyote doing coke.

Where's somebody? So, okay. So it's got to be 2006. I'm on a fucking cocaine test. I got a call from Felipe one day early, four early. You know, you had to answer eight o'clock. That's my brother. Yeah.

I always answered the phone. Now at this time, I had heard his story about his stories and he always knew I snore the coke. So there was no line between us. So I met him at El Compadre. He didn't say nothing the whole lot. Okay. I got a cocktail.

I got a package. I did a few lines. And if you know anything about me, I would always get the backup package. And that goes in the medicine chest, the top pocket on the right side. Yeah. Just in case the night gets wild. Just in case the cops chase you and they'll check that pocket. Yeah.

You know, there's always the, here, take that one. That's only got two lines in it. What do you know? And I got another G-Bo grind. A little deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep in that box. I buy this zipper, bitch. That's what we say. So you were at the bar with Felipe.

I'm at the bar with Felipe at the, whatever the fuck, El Compadre. And he goes, I go, Felipe, I got to go home. I would only do two lines in public. And after that, I got to go home and shit and do this package. I ain't got time to be sitting here talking to people. There's nobody I really want to meet. You know what I'm saying? So I'm never forget getting in this car and right in front of me.

It was driving, bro. Right. I don't forget being by the gas station on Sunset, by the strip club, Crazy Girls. Being at that light on Sunset going east and me taking the package I bought there that night and just doing the whole fucking line, licking it and throwing that package out the window and having the backup package. And him and I talking and I could tell that he wants to ask me. Yeah.

Can I fuck? Do you have anything on you? And I'm playing like I'm done. That was why I just forgot. Sorry. And he looked at me. He goes, I can't believe you did that. I go, bro, that's how I roll.

So the car starts going. Now we get over by the Chick-fil-A is. You know, Chick-fil-A is on Sunset and Highland. Sunset and Highland. We passed that. And as we fucking passed that, I go on my little undercover package and he's driving me telling me about his future. He's going to the road with Gabriel, blah, blah, blah.

I take another package out. I open that one up in front of him and his eyes light up. I put the dollar bill in there again. And as he's making the turn up to my block, I do the whole fucking thing in one line. Damn. And we're getting in front of my house and he goes, did you say anything? I go, no, and I would never give it to you anyway. And I shook his hand, gave him a kiss and I went upstairs, probably hit for my wife

for an hour and fucking did my thing. Fucking crazy. That's how long I know these cats, man. Yeah. I remember back in that one, I first met you. I used to hide it from you too. But I knew you knew and I just, I knew you liked the fact that I respected you to hide it from you.

That was like, we were scared of you dog. Like you were the one we respected and hit it from. No, because I never wanted. Because you had the best stories. I remember you were in Texas and I guess you hit the coke came in the water and you forgot and you drank the fucking water. I remember you telling me that story. I hit the coke.

No, I fucking, what did I do? I was in the hotel room in Denver. Yeah, it was Denver. Bro, my buddies left coke and you ever go to a hotel room, bro? And they fucking have a tissue paper thing in the wall. Yeah. They called me and said, we left you the key. We had to get on a plane, get there before the fucking made.

And run up there and said, do not disturb son. We left you the key. Show me ID and run up there and in the wall. There's a full ounce of coke. We didn't even touch it. I went up there and bro, there's a full ounce of coke. I ran down the stairs. I got in the cab and I ran to this little fucking dingy hotel, you know, 20 ounce a night maybe

after tonight. Why not stay at the nice hotel? Because I'm doing blow. Yeah. That's the spot. Yeah. I had a girlfriend who lived in Boulder who ended up being my future wife. I called her from the hotel room and I go, hey, I got the ounce of coke and I'm in this

hotel room in Boulder in Denver. She goes, well, yeah, I tell her, she goes, listen, I'm in school till five. I'll call you when I get out and I'll come down. This is how much of a fiend that was in 1987. This has to be, I kidnap. It's a lot of fucking coke, dog. Dog, the whole fucking ounce, you ready for this afternoon? Now it's 11 in the morning.

I'm in this hotel room. Maybe I got 12 beers. That's, that's, that's good for a couple hours. No cigarettes and no, no cigarettes and no weed at the time. I had weed, but I wasn't smoking the hotel room because the cops. Okay. Oh my God. This is a horrible story.

I get in the room. I lock the door. I'm not in that room. Two minutes. I take this ounce out. It's perfect. I mean, George, it's perfect. It's like a crater.

It is perfect. It's chunky. It's flaky. It's fresh. Flaky's got a good smell. You can smell the ether. It's in two bags. I take it out.

These guys are left with four ounces on a Sunday and got to Denver on a Wednesday. They had stopped in St. Louis and they took flights. They didn't sleep the whole time. They slept and they finally fell asleep in Denver for three hours. And the one kid's mother was looking for them all across the country. She finally called me and she goes, did he call you? He was here for Sunday dinner. They left and they never came back.

My buddies were crazy then. This is four years after I left. I go to this hotel room. I call him who was my girlfriend and I didn't know nobody else, bro. So I start snorting little lines. I'm watching TV. They got a pono channel. Yeah.

You know, I'm watching the pono channel. I'm jerking off. I'm drinking my little beers. I'm snorting coke. But I knew I kind of had a war in the snow mass village. So I kind of went into my head. So now I got paranoid. So guess what?

I started hearing the drill. Oh. I started hearing drills in all four walls. four walls, so I took the blow and I hit it in the medicine chest in the fucking hotel room and I'm doing little bumps, looking at myself in the mirror and fixing myself, George, and the phone's ringing, do you want room service?

And now I know the FBI's looking for you, son. So now I'm on fucking fire, but I don't give a fuck. I'm doing this blow dog. This porn is good. It's two white guys, they got a chick tied up and they're about to stab him before they make us suck that dick. I mean, I got a jerk call, I was crazy, George.

And all of a sudden, something makes me go to the back window. This was a nice cheap hotel room. Did the back window have like bars? No, no, no. It was open. It was the third floor. And I remember it was like this, like an oval. But when I looked over, George, there was a car parked there.

And then four minutes later, the car would go into a bridge and another car would pull up. Oh. And this was going on every five minutes. So now my mind's in overdrive. I'm hearing drills, I turn the porno off, I'm sitting on the bed.

Zzzz. Taking a knee check. Zzzz. So I'm listening to see if I see a drill come through the wall and then they put the scope in through your wall. Yeah. So I fucking, I look around the fucking room and I go, fuck this.

And there's a little desk or a little container where you can fill up with ice. So I went and I filled it up with water from the fucking sink and I took it and the Coke was gorgeous. The Coke canine was gorgeous. It was gorgeous, bro. I was a junkie. I had been off for about four days

and here was my house falls on my lap and it was in like grand chunks. And I took it and it was shaved when you popped it, the whole room smelled like it. And I took a piece of the Coke and I threw it in this water to see how long it would take to dissolve in case the cops knocked on my...

Like what, two, three grams, you say? Two, three grams. I took it maybe, I don't know, I don't know guys, 12 ounces of water maybe. And then I took another chunk that was like another two grams. And I threw it again in the water to see how long it would take to dissolve

because I wanted to sit on the bed, watch the porn with the volume off and I was gonna sit there snort Coke and just jerk off. Now this time the phone's ringing. It's my girlfriend in Boulder. She wants to know what the fuck's going on. It's five o'clock now? I'm too high, guess what?

I don't even want to that, bro. I got about 22 grams of Coke. I'm doing this on my own. She's gonna come over here and talk. Oh yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna fuck her in shit. We're gonna do some freaky shit. And it's gonna fill way back there.

She's not gonna leave till this Coke is gone. Follow me, fuck her and the horse who sent her. And she's calling me because she goes, my brother will take a half ounce off and you can make some money. And I'm like, dog, I got a chance of making 900 bucks or snorting this shit. I kept snorting George and snorting

and I hear the drills. And finally at one point, George is about 17 grams of Coke and I'm doing so much of it in the bathroom, just taking it and putting it. What is it? Can you tell me what that is? That's what Joey has. Yeah, oh my God, I'm taking it.

And I'm putting it in my nose but it's falling all over the bathroom floor. So at one point I just take the bag, I flush the toilet and I throw the Coke in the toilet. And I look at it dissolve and I flush the toilet. And the toilet, I can see the Coke sticking to the side of the toilet. So now I'm looking out the window

and cars are still pulling up to the thing and switching. I'm hearing drills, the phone's fucking ringing. And I'm looking for Coke now because I'm coming down and I'm finding it all over the bathroom floor. There's a path and on the way to the room, I'm walking and stuffing Coke in my nose and I'm jerking off and watching the board. It's seven o'clock at night, the phone's ringing.

The light's red, red, red. Like, you know, this is the 80s. The light's fucking flashing. You know, I'm waiting for the knock on the door so I can kill her. But guess what? Even if she shows up, there's no Coke left. It's in the toilet, bro.

So I nailed by the toilet. And every spot that was yellow, I would stick my finger in the toilet. I would stick the yellow spot in my nose. And I did that till about three in the morning. Then I went in the shower, checked off. Were you having fun? Oh yeah, that's a bad thing.

That's a different high right there. When you were junky, oh my God, that was as fun as it gets. I should have had a clown come over with balloons. That was one of the most demoralizing times of my life, Lee. Plus, I blew $1,800. Oh my God. Yeah, that's an $1,800 profit that you flushed.

But here's what gets best. There's more. Go to sleep. You fell asleep? I fell asleep like that day for two hours. The phone rings, it's catty. What'd you do with the Coke? Listen, just come get me.

Okay, I'll be there in an hour, hang up the phone. I get up, I look around the room, and all there is is a pitcher of water next to me. I pick up the fucking water, and I drink the whole thing. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Oh my God. When I get to half of it, I start to taste cocaine.

Strong numbness in your dums. And I drink the whole thing, and then I go to fucking at the door knocks, it's catty. And I can't talk because the cocaine that I drank, the four grams I put in that water, just like shut down my throat. You ever do a line of coke and your voice changes? Oh yeah, yeah, you're nervous, you're scared.

Yeah, my fucking, my voice went away. I lost my voice for the day. So I ended up blowing $1,800. I mean, it was just a disaster all around. Now, that was 1986. So how long ago was that? 41 years. No, 31 years.

Yeah, 31 years, my bad. Guess what? Do you know the motherfucker that left the coke in the wall that night, hit me up on Facebook about three years ago, and I had the money to give him for that coke that night? No way. I swear to God.

That's some fucked up shit right there. What's the, how long does he have to ask you for that? It was crazy because he left the coke in the wall. It's not like I said to leave the coke in the wall. Okay, he left the coke in the wall. I get a call, at that time I didn't have a phone, guys. I looked at my girlfriend's sister and her family. At 11 o'clock at night, the house phone rings,

and it's my ex-wife, my girlfriend at the time, and she calls, she goes, I grab a pen, and I go, what's up? She goes, grab this number. Your friends are in Denver at the airport. I go, what are you talking about? And she goes, yeah, I want you to call him. I think his name is, I don't know, Danny.

So I go, okay, so I fucking get on the call, I call Danny at the airport. Cokes, where are you? He goes, I'm sitting here with Sabz and Russo. It's a party, you know, we're loaded up, we're loaded up, we got everything you need. Get in the fucking car, meet us at the airport. I get in my fucking car, I get gas, I take a shower.

I drive all the way to Denver airport, I get there, and like three guys come up to me and they're like, are you Cocoa? Here's a note, they couldn't wait. They went to a strip club, the best one in Denver. Get in the car, I go down there, I get in there, and there they are, bro, they're running a table, they throw a lot of bills at these chicks.

Fuck yeah, all motor mouth. They're fucked up, they're fucked up. And I'm like, where the fuck are you guys staying? Like the whole town across the street. We got two ounces of blow over there, we're gonna pick up 10 chicks and bring them over there to a party. And I'm like, you guys are fucking crazy.

We'll have Danny be calling you. We'll have Danny be calling my buddy the one who did this with us. I'll never forget you. I think it's Danny B, Sabz, and fucking Tommy. Yeah, dude, me and Cy Dick Eddie went to a bar once and did so much coke that we paid the strippers to leave us alone, cause my dick wouldn't get hard.

I was like, hey, here's a bucks, just leave, don't it? Like you're gonna clown us. We couldn't get hard for shit. And then the strippers, do you know how she caught us? She was trying to like kiss me and I moved and like a fucking rock fell out on the table. You know how that shit is, she licked it up. Ooh, this is good shit.

One time I fucked up and I gave a stripper my sack. Oh, yeah, that's a challenge. She's like, hey, let me get a bump. That bitch, that shit came back. Empty as fuck. Like the fucking Donald Trump tax return. Oh, you never give a chick a package until they come back. Especially a stripper.

You tell them to go in the bathroom with you until the men's bathroom. I would lure them into one of those fucking urinals. I don't give a fuck. Why are we in here? Cause you're gonna do two bumps and then you're gonna watch me piss. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. This is pre-Louise CK. Hey, that happened to me before. These three fucking women, I went to a bathroom with to do coke. I've been there. Till I was personal friends with.

And when we were in there, they're like, do me a favor. I got a pee turn around and you're standing there going, oh my God, a woman just pulled the pants out right behind me. Yeah. I went to the bathroom 20 times in my life or women I was friends with who said, well, we're in here. Let me just pee, turn around.

And I would turn around. I would never pee in front of a fucking woman without her on me. You're gonna put some Tony Bennett on and you're gonna sit there like a bottom of your head. Yeah. Oh shit. I wanna be around

to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. 20th of the month, cocksuckers. You got about 40 days to get your life together. 2018 is here. I'm ready. Me too. I'm going for 2018, dog.

Somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company. Wait and see. I mean, I wanna be around to see how he does it. Take that off your phone, please.

Take that off your fucking phone. What's the matter with you? That's the last thing you want on your phone. You're pulled over by a mistake. God forbid, cop gets cute. Oh my God. Next thing you know, they got you hooked up with somebody you don't even know.

No, that's not me. That's my old drug dealer going, please come back, dog. Oh, sure. You can get half off. No, no, no. I can just imagine. But you gotta explain to him, you know what I'm saying? That's a brilliant way of getting your customers back.

Fuck the tweet. Fuck the text. Let me show you a picture of the quality of the withdrawal over here. Ha, imagine if drug dealers facetimed at the lab. What's up, you motherfuckers writing? Dog, let me tell you something. I always don't know if I snorted coke

how different it would be. But don't be on the computer. You do everything on the fucking computer. I mean, right now you'd be a fucking fool. No. You don't think that UPS is sending it from San Diego. Oh, straight up. It's the spots in Chicago.

You got rocks in your fucking head. They're half the battle. Them, the mules. How many stars you got left, Lee? Give me six. I had four. Where's the other two? Right here.

You gotta match them. I ate six. I'm fine. You're a savage. What, Lee? What? But don't you think you'd do even better now? Because you couldn't do it without the computer.

I think the computer leaves too much of a trail. I think you'd do better. The old school way. Lee, I don't think I can do drugs anyway, but I'm just saying. What am I saying? Any drug dealer could do the better. It's just really weird how, just because you're locked up

doesn't mean like, I made a living when I was in there. Oh, straight up. I mean, when I was in there within seven days, I figured out you can only have $20 in your pocket at one time. Because remember, I already had done a month in county, so that counts two for one, right? I got four months, 48 months. They cut it right away to 24 months.

That's all you gotta do. Yeah. Half time. So half time. I had already done one in county, which counts for two. Yeah. That's 22. So I was already, I was two months eligible for a halfway house.

Oh, I know exactly what you mean. That's a men's homely. You follow me? Yeah. Yeah. They sent me the detention. There's more fucking drugs there. They sent me to a detention to do the week of seminars,

and they take blood from you, and they ask you creepy questions about what do you think about this picture and shit? About your home life. They talk about you. It is. It's a week of bullshit. I forget what the fuck they call it. So they put, everybody runs through that that week.

Yeah. It's a 23 hour lockdown. I think it's called furlough or something. It's four weeks. It's until you figure out where they're going to send you. Diagnostic? Diagnostic. Thank you.

Awesome. For me, it was called diagnostic. Welcome. And my buddy, that one that was locked up that I went to, he told me exactly what to do when I got the diagnostic. He told me exactly who to go to, give him a message, and that everything would be cool. I went to him.

They gave me things. They went to put me in the cell. The guy walked right on. He goes, no, no, don't put him here. And that was it. I didn't talk to the guy again for about a week, but they put me downstairs. I didn't understand it.

They put me on the first floor. There was fucking six floors. It was Colorado. Wow, six floors? It was August 15th. It's 90 fucking degrees in this part. I don't know where diagnostic is now, but I know that it was hot.

It was kind of hot on the first floor, but now what it would be like on the sixth floor. And that's the place where people would yell all night. Yo, Tyrone, what up? What you in there? They busted you over that big money house. They killed big money, but I got away. It's all nightly.

Yeah. People trying to translate messages. Who's here? Roll call. Yeah, Lee. It's all night. And you're sleeping on a metal bed. You're in a little toilet by yourself.

There's a sheet between you and the metal bed. That's it. And they have a skinny sheet on you. But it's a different experience for a guy like you and a guy like me who had never been to prison before. Yeah. That was my first time in prison, Lee. But you've been to jail before?

That was county jail. County jail in prison? I don't see it. There's no difference in my head. The difference is county jail. There's cops around you at all times. You have visitation. Your attorney comes to you.

You're putting a cell by yourself. You have a cell block. You read the paper. You eat dinner with the inmates. You don't really say much. You don't belong to nobody. Nobody knows your paperwork. Look, Lee, like it's a big difference.

And you can make bail. Yeah. When you're in the county, you don't have a release date. You're in there fighting to know when you're going to go home. There's a different person in you. When you go to prison, you know, when you're going home, you have to, you're now in blue. Like it's life now.

You have to get the fuck up. There's no sheriff's there to save your ass. It's, it's the real deal. Fuck. So do it too, or Lee? So you want to do as long as, no, no, no, thank you. So you want to do as long in the county as you can? No, because at the same time, the county doesn't have shit for you.

It's, there's no, people are only there for nine months or two years fighting cases. Like it gets flipped so much. You rather be in the county because you don't have a sheriff on your ass. Those sheriffs know that you, that you're going to be gone when you're in prison. Those cops are way cooler. And not that they're even cool, but it's just a respect.

They know you live there. And you have, you, you develop a working relationship. Yes. And they know exactly your limitations and what you'll do. And if you're cool and you don't ever pass those limitations, bro, they don't fuck with you. There's cigarettes in prison. There's no cigarettes in the county.

That shit's hard. Well, when I was in county, that's how old I am. Boulder would give you a pack of roll cigarettes. Oh my God. You know that when I got locked up and I got, I got up and I started a comedy at 91 and I won a contest. And at 92, I would be because it was, I had a right new material. Every fucking Tuesday, George, it was Boulder broker steak night,

comedy night for $15. You got a steak, a big potato, a salad and a ticket to a comedy show. You know how it was to talk people who eat the steak to look at you. Do you have any idea? So number one, you couldn't go there with the same material every week. No. So every week I would write something down for the newspaper and talk about it. And one of the best jokes I had in the very beginning was that Boulder,

Colorado was voted the number two jail in the country behind another county jail. The Sherman Oaks one or what? No, the one, there was another jail. Boulder was number, Boulder was number two on the top 10 county jails. They did like, remember the four out of five dentist survey? Yeah. It was something like that. And when you read it, you wanted a dial after like eight out of 10 inmates surveyed

that did through time in three different county jails. That Boulder County jail was the second best. I mean, it was crazy. Number one was another place in Colorado that they had air conditioner and fans. No, that's probably a federal prison. No, no, no, no, no, no. It was a county jail. Oh, wow.

The top 10 county jails in the country. They treat their fucking. Boulder, bro, had the best food I ever had period. Number two, they had blenders at the time. Number three on Thanksgiving Day. And I forget the guy left the cell open and you can do as many calls as you wanted. Oh, that was cool. Boulder was a fucking two in the morning HBO.

Boulder didn't fuck around. Wow. Then they built a new one and they took the cigarettes away and they took the, the you could wear your own clothes away. Yeah, that's all bullshit. You know, there was a time where you could wear your own clothes. That shit don't happen no more. No.

Too much shit going down. You know what's crazy too is now that Thanksgiving's coming up, I spent three fucking Thanksgiving's in prison. How were they dog? It was the first one suck because I was new. I don't know what the fuck was going on. I was just happy because they gave you a real drumstick, the ice cream bar at the end for dessert.

I like those. Yeah. So then I started working in the kitchen and then now they would give us a big ass turkey leg. But the fucking inmates didn't know how to cook them right all the time. So like I had to have a bite. So let me, a bite that would grill it for me on his shit. Tell them about a grill.

What would they make a grill out of? Oh, okay. So a grill. Oh man. Like a lot of these guys work electrical. So they go on the electrical, they put it in their cart and like the homie would break the tile or something in there where we needed that cart to come into our dorm for repair. So he would sneak it into the cart, fix it and man, I'm trying to like think of what he

made out of this thing. Like he made this thing that would warm up that we would plug it into the wall and it would fucking war. I think he used the bottoms of the coffee. You know those coffee? You know how you put the coffee pots? They're geniuses. Yeah.

They're geniuses. These guys. What's the difference between paisa and homie? A paisa and a homie. A homie is someone that's from America. A paisa could be someone that's from Cuba, Mexico, Honduras, El Salvador. Okay. Yeah.

You're a paisa to us. Or that's the. I'm a homie. Nah. No. You're another. Another? Yeah.

You are white. I don't think the errands are really going to like you. No they're not. I still remember the Mexican dude's face. I still, 30 years later, the Mexican dude's face that sold tacos and he sold them on sports night and he sold bean and cheese. That was the most popular and he'd give you a side of salsa and chips and it kind of really worked hardly.

Like he would work the kitchen and then. How much does each taco? Matters. It had to be. No, each burrito. Whatever. Like a dollar. I would buy like five of them.

Oh shit. With soft sound to sign. He just had a great business and it was, he came to your dorm and on Mondays he knew. On Mondays he'd come over and say, left your five fucking whatever. But that was, that was his thing. His competition was a fat Italian dude. That's all this day. I cannot remember his name.

He was in there for extortion and he was definitely a federal dude that had done about 12 years. He wasn't a rat or anything. Yeah. I was in there with this Persian guy that used to like, he had like the best tub or where he must have been doing 15 years because he came from a prison where he ordered in a catalog. Remember that old tub or that was white and had the blue lid and the blue lid. It didn't have the snap.

It was like, it was just like a fucking circus tent. And he had this tub or where Lee that he just had old spices that when we cleaned it wouldn't come off. And this motherfucker would marinate all our food for us, man. That was his hustle. Hey, I'll cook for you guys. Just give me a book and you guys do the dishes. It really fucking is crazy.

So this Italian guy put together like irons, you know. Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. So he took the rod out and some days he made spaghetti sauce, but his, his claim to fame was cheese for nachos. Oh, he probably melted it with the stinger. So he took the stinger, he would melt the cheese and he put jalapenos in there and salsa and another type of cheese and he would start at seven in the morning on Monday.

So again, they would be ready for Monday night football. Ah, smart. And then he would take the sauce and the one and then the other one, he would boil water all day long, just boil water, throw spaghetti in there for four minutes, take it out, give you a bowl of spaghetti for Monday night football. It's fucking crazy. Delicious too. It's crazy Lee.

Imagine Lee, when you're in prison, they take away salt and sugar. So a motherfucker steal that shit or they get it in a package and they're marinating shit and you, your taste buds have been in prison too. Your taste buds have been in prison and you eat this shit. It's like fucking heaven. Why did they take away your salt and your sugar? Arnold Schwarzenegger was mad that it's not that him. It's okay.

Look at when you, when you're in prison, you belong to California now. So if you're getting diabetes and cancer, they have to treat you. You're their property. That's terrible. Okay. Dude, we used to make grilled cheese. You know those old heaters, the ones that are like metal and they have like a little gap in between.

Right. We used to put a paper bag with bread cheese and leave it in there for 15 minutes. If the bag was sweaty, you had yourself a sandwich. The same, if the bag is sweaty, the sandwich is ready. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. The bag is sweaty.

The sandwich is ready. I'll show you show. And it wasn't just any sandwich. Oh. And George, you have to describe the people like when you became friends with somebody. Oh man. That was the weirdest shit. Right.

When Lee, of me and you hooked up. Okay. Right. We became friends and then we worked together and next thing you know, we got a house together. Maybe we made three extra bucks a week because we did something. But then one night you're like, Hey man, it's a Jewish holiday tonight. Come on over to my thing. I don't know anybody.

And I come over there and you got two cans of sardines, right? Soaked and mustard with two packages of saltine crackers that you got from the store. Sounds delicious. You got two cans of Coke and you and me become fucking buddies. Blood heroes. Now you're saying, that's it. Watch TV with me. Yeah.

We watched like fucking the Sopranos and six feet under after we had two cans of sardines. Forget about it. Now the following Sunday I show up with Tostino's little pizza bites. You get the sardines. I get potato chips and fucking Staminga. So do you have any money or how do you, you got to, for me, I had two ways. My girlfriend would bring in stuff or we had a 20 minute furlough to the store every day.

Seven days a week. But how do you get the money for that? It goes in your books. They send it to the prison and then it's in records or you work. Yeah. Yeah. For me, it was different. I used to work in the kitchen and then also my, my friends and family would send me money

or I would send them package orders. I would, there's a package you can order in there and you check all the stuff that you want and you send it to them. Oh man. I had some fucking great meals and I remade tamales for Christmas, burritos, fucking atomic dogs, atomic dog is the shit. What's that? They really, really fucking do do a lot of good things.

Yeah. Atomic dog is a hot dog, not in hot dog bread, but we curl the bread. Hot dog, mayonnaise, mustard, Cheetos, Fritos, string beans, fucking corn, anything you can find. Straight Diabetes Heaven. Excuse me, I'm not going to sit here and tell you leave that. It was fucking clubbed and I went skiing every day, but I will tell you one thing. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

I agree with this. How much? It happened to me at the perfect time in my life when I needed to get slowed down a little bit. Straight up Joey. It really gave me a chance to, when you're in a cell, when somebody, when you finally come to terms with there's nothing you could do because for the first three days after the judge sentences you, you obviously start re-running episodes of Law and Order again.

And you start coming up with your own presidents and shit, but when you finally come to a conclusion that you're sitting here and you're going to go to a diagnostic and you're going to go somewhere, once you come to a conclusion, it's not that it hurts, but it hurts so much it becomes numbing and it takes a few people who come back from that, from that being numbed and then not only feeling numb on the way in, but then seeing what you've never seen before in your life. Straight up. It's just brutality.

Survivors. And I'm not going to tell you that this happens, that you're a president, I'm not going to tell you this is every person's experience. What I'm telling you is, is that you might see shit that's going to shock you. Shock you. Fuck yes. The worst thing you ever saw was, I remember, dog, my first day in their league, well, I'll never forget it, man, like it says no, no warning shots on the wall.

All right. What does that mean? No warning shots is when there's a fight or a riot, they're not going to shoot, they shoot you at blocks or rubber pellets. All right. So they're not going to just, they're going to shoot right at you and it's pretty fucking crazy dog. It goes down.

Like I remember flipping the fuck out, I watch in my first fight, fool's falling now. It's pretty crazy, dog. So your first day, are you scared to be there? Well, it's only your first day in prison. I was only scared because, like, I heard, like your older homies tell you how to act. Huh. Tell me, tap that. So tell me, so your friends, when you go in, your homies like, look, dog, check it

out. This is who you talk to. Right. This is not how you act. You don't fucking roll it up. You don't do none of that shit. And then you get there and then they get you off the bus and then I get fucking butt naked and you get butt naked and you walk through these offices where people are in suits.

There's women. There's guys. There's cop seals. And then that's when you flip the fuck out. That's when you realize it's set in. Oh, he's in the bathroom. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. I think, I think he went, I think he went in the bathroom to try to do a bump off the toilet. No. I know. Okay. Okay. So just in the last sentence, I'm sorry.

The last sentence I said was once you're butt naked and you're walking through like cops, male and female cops, you realize you're just a number now and like you're in someone else's world. Yeah, dog. It's different. You know, I remember it was all cool because I got sentenced on a Monday. And by Tuesday morning, they sent me to Summit County and Summit County Jail was like fucking a playground.

It's a ski resort. So I started the first night. I know you can wear your own clothes, your own cell after you get your first commissary. They got TVs and radios and razors and mirrors. Yeah. It was on hand. If you tip the guard 10 bucks at night at about 11 when the ship commander left, he'd go to A&P and buy your groceries that night.

So if you want to put pretzels or potato chips, so the first week I was there, it was cool. They came to me and they told me the truth. They said, listen, by the way, you're not going to be, you're going to be here towards the holidays. It's September and I accepted it. I said, you know what, that's going to be not even, it was still August. I said, you know what, fuck it, I'm going to be there and the saint is bad. It's two hours away from my girlfriend.

I got money on my books. I could send them to A&P. I had money in the locker room so I could pay the grocery thing on Friday night. She would let us watch TV outside till one and then you could watch TV to whatever time you wanted to in your room. There was only three channels, Lee, but it's better than fucking being anything. Yeah. And I became friends with a dude from New York and it was great.

But there was two dudes in there that were kind of fucking peculiarly enjoyed. Oh yeah. They've been there. They're checking you out. They're like dudes. One white dude would talk to me and the other guy was, yes, man. Okay. No big deal.

Boom. Diaz. Wake up. You're going to Canyon City Diagnostic. That means the time come. You're going to the big boy. Catching the chain. I'm there for five days, six days and it's been tremendous, but that lie they told me,

I played a good attorney. My attorney told me he was going to get me through the system quickly so I go up in front of the judge and get my sense reconsidered. Yeah. So I said, okay, they got me through the fucking thing. Diagnostic boom. First night's cool. Second night's cool.

You know, you hear yelling all night. This ain't the life you had before. You're sleeping on a tin bed and it's 80 fucking degrees, Lee, and you ain't getting comfortable. Now you smell everybody's fucking farts. You know, so now we're sitting there. Fuck that. Like the third day, we're in the fucking thing. I don't forget this, bro.

You ready? Yeah. And it's four guys to a table. Okay. Now the section I was in had this black dude that wasn't beat boppa, but he was funny as fuck. Now at this time, it was 1987 and I can't tell you the majority, but I can tell you there was a good bunch of crips and bloods there because they were bringing cocaine into Colorado.

Yeah. Starting off. It was no big deal. They were getting arrested every weekend. They were black. As soon as they come over the border, what are you doing? They're like, I came to ski back. You're black.

Open up the ski bags, a thousand pieces of rock to come out of it and shit. So there was a bunch of crips and bloods in there. Okay. I don't know nothing about this shit. You know me, dawg. I know about coke and women and something like that. Yeah, not that much. I know nothing about crips and bloods.

I find out in there, if you were slob, nigga, you know, you were blood or whatever they call it. You were in New Jersey, right? Crips and bloods back in your days. I have no idea. But back when you were there, they didn't. I knew nothing. Maybe they did.

Maybe I just never saw it. I didn't run in Newark. I didn't run in Canada. Okay. And that's where those crips and bloods were invented. Those crazy places. Well, they started off in LA and then they went over there. I'm just making a joke.

Oh, okay. I don't know what's going on, but I do know we're at lunch one day. It was like shit that year and you sell all day long, but you only leave yourself for fucking lunch dinner. Yeah, they give you an hour. The showers every two days, every three days you take a shower. It's a great program. You can only flush this toilet twice a day.

Yeah. So you got to shit in there and live with the shit in there until nighttime and then save the flush for a night. You have no fucking idea, Lee. So I get to the thing I sit down and it's me, one of the dudes I became. I talk to him with a white dude, maybe, and there's a black dude here and the black dude that was sitting here was a dude. I told you that was a jive dude.

That was funny. Maybe DC, whatever, then while he's sitting there, he starts jibberjabbing, which I didn't understand. I'm not saying nothing disrespectful. He starts saying something about Crip. This is Crip, nigga. You know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all of a sudden, you know, and now there's 60 people in the dining room and everybody hears this shit.

It's totaled my 10th day and I'm finally in the valley of darkness and let's go. This is Crip, nigga. You know, blah, blah, blah. As a matter of fact, I heard that punk ass right there, right there. Right there. Look up at me, motherfucker. I heard that you fell out of a tree with a bag of M&Ms and a leather jacket on and shit and I was sitting there and I just busted out.

I didn't know I couldn't bust out or I couldn't bust out. I didn't know what the rules were, but he just made a joke and I was laughing. I don't know if he even said it that way, George, but he goes, that motherfucker fell out of a tree with a box of M&Ms and a leather jacket on and he goes, what the fuck are you talking about, nigga? I'm in here from fucking straight up gangsta murder. He goes, no, you ain't. You in here for child molestation, bitch.

You know you molested those kids. You nasty motherfucker. Oh, that's a wrap. And bro, listen, from the fucking over there, I saw a black dude eat his last pork chop and that piece of cornbread and he took that 10. Yeah. And he started banging that black dude's head till blood started squirting and that was my second day of diagnostic.

I was like, okay, I hope those pushups work. So where does that guy get the guy who hit the guy's head? Oh, they got to catch him first. Nobody saw him. Nobody saw nothing. What do you mean no one saw him? There's cameras. There's no cameras in those days.

There's no cameras in those days. There's no cameras in those days. Only in federal prison, there's cameras on level one, level two yards, not in maximum security. How are there not cameras in prison? In those days, Lee, it wasn't how it is now. The camera was black and white and blurry, you know. There can't be cameras.

Do you know how many fucking CEOs? They caught the guy just right. There's a thousand holes. So people come to you and go, Lee, you got to be with Diaz. Yeah, listen, after lunch, he walks to D block, but he goes around the office there. There's not a camera in miles, hiding the bathroom and get him when he goes through and pull him into the bathroom and stab him. They'll never see you do it, Lee.

Yeah, they don't have cameras either because the cops will get in so much trouble from what they're doing. So now you stab me, Lee, you cut me open, I go down, George is waiting outside. You pass the knife on to George, George keeps walking. I'm out. George passes the knife to another friend of his, gives it to another friend of his for $10. That's a good knife.

It's got blood on it. It works. It's sharp. You know what I'm saying? That's a good piece right there, gee, buddy. That's more than a piece. That's a firearm in there. You have a strap now.

You can hide that motherfucker, bury it. That's survival, Lee. Let me give some shout outs real quick. The funny blunt truth, quick drama, grub, Chris Lister, Paul Quintanilla, Frankie Trailer, Brian Moody, Dustin Renfrom, Alyssa Cosmina, and my man Ray motherfucking Taylor. Like I told you, Irvine is sold out, George Perez will be there with me, but I'll be at the Nova Theater downtown at the Microsoft December 3rd. I'll be at the Observatory in San Diego the 4th and the Observatory in Santa Ana.

I'm opening up for my main man, Wheeler, Walker, motherfucking Junior. I'm telling you, get tickets because you're going to go quick, they're cheap, and this is it. This is comedy and country. Come together. Are rated. Take it or leave it, bitches. We're making a comeback.

But anyway, back to George Perez. You said something very interesting. George, George, I know you said we were kids. Jesus Christ. That was a kid. I'm lucky, dawg. I'm lucky. 2006 because Marilyn was still, yeah, and we shot the show and before that, I knew you

were not like the rest of the people. You had heart and you were loyal, and I knew that you had walked down the corner of death once before, and then some shit went down. We take the show time special and it came out and it's like you came out like Joe Gallo. You came out focused. Oh yeah. And well, they take away everything you have like in there in prison. All you have is time to think of what you want to do.

And when you're out, you're like, it's time to fucking do it. It's just really weird. You came out and within three weeks, you have a book in the room and I looked at you and I go, this fucking kid, you know, I thought you'd come out angry. I was, but I wasn't angry and they have no idea how lucky they are to be, to be back doing comedy and you haven't really missed a beat. Some of the same steps were out. They disappeared.

Yeah. I chip out on that. You're doing what you're doing now. It's crazy how, you know, I hate saying this word, but we're very fortunate to watch the game how it changed. It did. Now when we got here, there were people who were untouchable and now the people are dead. Yes.

Their careers are dead. They can't adapt to what's happening and here we are still doing comedy, which is the main purpose of our mission here. You know, I look at it so like that, how fortunate you are. Sometimes a guy like Lee goes to college and he comes out and he wants to be some, but he ends up doing this and this and this and you know what, he ends up making a little money down the road, long run because of specializing this field, but it really wasn't what he thought it was going to be.

He thought it was going to be something completely different. And sometimes that's what life is all about. Is calling on audible and going with something that you really fucking love. Straight up. You came out of fucking prison and went right for it. It took me two, three years to get on stage. That was such a half a fact. You had already established yourself before you went in there.

People knew who you were. It was like when John Gotti went to jail for stabbing the Irishman. People talked about you like that, like he's getting out in six months. He's getting out in three months. He's getting out in two months. You know, yeah, it was, I was, I was waiting, man, because I was in prison and they were rerunning all the specials on MTV I came out on. They were showing videos.

I was in Bakersfield and I guess you guys were doing a show in Bakersfield, the Paiso Comedy Slam. I was like, fuck, I should be on that show. You know, people always write me little notes and they say creepy things that I'm an inspiration and shit like that. And I appreciate everything, but I thought, well, you inspire the fuck out of me, George, because this is a tough action, man. This is a tough racket.

By the way, Lee, I got to ask you something. Yes, sir. What's the place you hang? You went last week, the open mic. The fourth wall, I think it's called. And it's on where? You have the direct address for people. I can get it for you.

It's on Burbank. It's on Burbank and a little past call fax. It's dirty yards from police station guys. Now, if you hit the gas station, you went too far. So you have to hit a gas station first. You can't park in that. I know you can't, but you have to park around that area, but you see a 7-Eleven. You park your car, don't park in that 7-Eleven, they'll tell you, park your car down the block,

the dirty fucking yards. It's always parking in front of a police station, but notice that. Always parking in front of a police station. There's a dry cleaner back there, there's another republic. There's a Japanese restaurant, no, do not eat back there. We ate back there. It's on the fourth night. No, you took me there.

I did take Lee there because I was hungry. I didn't eat there. You took me there. It wasn't bad, but the salmon was kind of brown. One, one, six, seven, four. And they're open when? They're open every night. Are they open Saturdays or Sundays?

Let me check. We got to start going there because if I get the Netflix special, I work out with Star Pines Crackers. Yeah. I got some ideas. I got about six or eight weeks for a half hour. Oh, you got it, dog. I got it.

If I don't get it, then we got to work at different angles. I'm going to take a little break and stand up. Maybe do a little action, get back into the acting for a few months, get my fucking pension going. I'm not getting nothing. I feel you. If I can play a dad in a couple of these roles. Go for it.

You are the perfect dad at the same time. You got a point there. What's going on, Lee? What did you find out? I can't find that, but when I was there, I think I'm pretty sure they said it was every night, six and eight, and then they might have even more. And it's really cool because it's like I don't like this colony. You know what?

It's hell. Eight comics, and you're going to go up there and do six minutes for five hours. Oh, wow. It's one of those deals, George, that takes you back to basics. I remember. When I was there, it was just whoever, the guy just counted how many of our comics were there, and we got the time divided by comics. That's what he did.

Then was there another show afterward? At eight, yeah. That's crazy. That's, listen, man. So I like the six o'clock one here. It's New York City comedy, when I went back to New York for those nine months, and I thought I was going back to Broadway until the glitter and hang out with Liza Minnelli. There was no Liza Minnelli, Doug.

What do you mean there's no Liza Minnelli? I could say, open mic at Leo's Steakhouse, and you got the Leo's Steakhouse, and yeah, there was no open mic, but in the basement, with no windows and no air conditioning. You were up there with sex comics in the audience, and you had to pay $3 to get in and $3 for a water, and the bartender was a dick, and the waitress was a bigger fucking dick, and you had to go up there and pay, and do seven minutes and die of slow death, then walk out of there and think about yourself like, really, is this what I want to fucking do in my life is living fucking torture, but I look at those things, and I saw what they built,

they built humility, that's what they built, and sometimes, like I was telling them, George, you know, I'm not a young dude, bro, I'm very happy that I'm fortunate, I'm healthy at the time, I can still do five shows a week, I can give it my heart, you know what I'm saying? I know exactly what you're saying. I'm not up there being a robot, I'm living it now, to do that type of work at my age, you do two weeks, you're good for two or three weeks, you follow me, you get motivated, you go back out there, I gotta tell you something, George, you don't see me at the comedy store a lot, I can't be out there two in the fucking morning, one in the morning, the comedy store

takes you out to work, it's commitment, the comedy store, it's a fun place. Yeah, I'm there right after this. You know, and it's funny how I'm gonna have to, I wish I could get the Netflix thing because it's gonna bring, I want to go back to the beginning, I want to go back to Rocky one. Yeah, you want to go to the gym again? You want to go back to the gym again, I'm going back to the gym again, I'm going back to the gym again, that's how, you know, anybody can do a set at the comedy store, I've already done a million of them, but to go back to the gym, to take three open mics and say, yo, call me at night,

let me know where you're headed, I'll be down there in 10 minutes, not to sell tickets, not to sell tickets. Just to go up. I'm gonna go up there and talk about dumb shit, and every night I'm gonna go up and put it on my iPhone those 10 minutes, and every night you get one gem, and you write it down and you get two gems, three gems, four gems, five gems, 10 gems, and there you go, three gem, three minutes on each gem, what do you got? Get special. 30 minutes, baboon, that's what you're fucking seeking, and that's the formula. If not, I'm gonna go to the store and go into deep waters and think my material sucks,

because I'm not delivering with oomph. I can tell when I'm at the store, and I can tell when I'm on the road, I'm two different fucking companies. Okay. I'm a powerhouse on the road, I ain't fucking around. I reserve myself all day, if not, I would have brought my kids and got the turd. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I sit in that room all day and just percolate, like a fucking time bomb. Percolate, I love that fucking word.

They don't percolate coffee no more, that's the thing of the 80s. Uncle Joey's still percolate, bitch. That's E40 work. What, Lee, what, what, what, Lee, what is your problem? I don't have any problems, sir. Everything good, buddy? Yeah, everything's good. You had a good weekend?

Yeah, I had a good weekend. I uh... God bless you. I mean, I'm enjoying therapy. I'm trying stuff that has scared me before, like it's so it's uh... Like what? What scares you? Like eating charred fries? Everything. Eating what?

Charred fries, like it just petrifies them. I can't, I don't like orange things in my mouth, that's all I'm saying. You don't like Cheetos, no, that shit? I love Cheetos. You blew a camp council one time that had VD and he put uh, oh god on his dick. Oh god on his dick, remember that shampoo, there was lemons in it. Yeah. And it turned your dick yellow if you wash your dick with it by mistake.

Sun in or something? Sunny, sunny, and he sucked an orange dick and now he can't eat carrots, sticks of carrots. One of my camp counselors listens to this podcast, by the way. No, Lee's good. We're going to do a therapy uh, podcast. Yeah, I'm enjoying it. So people could start the new year thinking about what Lee's talking about, so don't say that. But no, what are your changes for 2018?

What do you want to make happen, brother? I'm going to, so I'm going to cut out soda out of my life. That's hard. Yeah, I've done it before. I'm going to definitely cut out. What do you drink instead? I drink water with like lemon or like uh, just water and juice. Like that's one thing prison helped me, that's all I got was water and water.

And milk. Now you guys don't scare yourselves. No. My mother had a bar and at the bar, she had Coke and 7up. Oh yeah. On rack, they had racks and they had bottles and there was soda that somebody else made, but it was the same soda. And it was called like Coke Pop and fucking Lime Up.

And I would drink that shit constantly until today. I'm scared of that whole time period because between the ages of four and fucking 40, that's all I drank was fucking soda. Yeah, but it was different in your time, Joey. No, it was not. It was real Coca-Cola, real fucking sugar. They poured on fucking the hood of a car. But it was in bottles.

Who gives a fuck if it's in fucking somebody's pussy and you're sipping out with a straw. It don't fucking matter. It's still Coca-Cola in your system. Yeah. And you think about all, I drink this Coca-Cola now and I can't do it. I can't, I can't believe I winged myself off a Coke. It hurts a little. It took 10 years.

No, the Coke Zero with a ton of ice cubes. You're right. And the new one with the Sativa in it, the Savina. Have you ever gone from not drinking soda for a while then to have a can of soda? It's horrible. It hurts your mouth. It does. It's like, it's horrible.

What are these bottles? I was addicted to soda. I was addicted to Coca-Cola. There wasn't a meal that tasted right. Fucking water. What am I, a prisoner of war? I gotta drink fucking water. Like I'm on an episode of Ireland.

Suck my dick. Give me fucking two cans of Coke with plenty of ice cubes. I'm eating pork fried rice. I'm already going to hell. But no, even when I went to Chinese food this time, I drank water. Yeah, I mean, I prefer a juice, like a tea. I like tea. That's what I started to drink now.

I'm drinking tea. No, tea is fantastic. It's that fucking, you know what's killing America, bro? I see it all the time. The energy drinks. Nope. Sugar. Nope.

Well, you're in the ballpark. Stress. That's one of the factors, but fucking Starbucks. Yeah, Starbucks. Starbucks is the story of America. I see these fucking people who are ginormous. They're about to bust through the seams. And they've gone basically an 800 sugar calorie for breakfast.

Do you know what that does to your appetite the rest of the day? See, I didn't know this until I was like 35 and somebody sat me down and go, come here for a second. You know that soda you have for breakfast every day with your eggs? Do you think it's cute? Let me show you what it does to your body the rest of the day. Does it lock it in? It does something that it makes your body crave sugar the rest of the day.

So now all day long, you crave the sugar and food with sugar in it that you don't even know has sugar in it. Yeah, like Twinkies. No, like a steak sandwich with a certain sauce on it. Oh, okay. And that sauce is really good. Everything with corn and corn syrup. Okay.

Yeah, corn, whatever the fuck. You know what I'm saying? Like it's just really weird. It's like when I was 19, I worked with a carpenter and this guy was cool as shit. I don't know what his fucking name was, guys. He had a problem. He fucking drove a car off a cliff.

I killed him, so? No, he was like 0.22 fucking level alcohol and he lived like he went. But at that time, they didn't really know about DUIs. No, they were. They didn't know. It was 1983. There wasn't a profit yet. There wasn't enough.

No, it was 1983. They didn't catch him. They didn't take a blood test, but they wanted him to take a drug, an alcohol class. And one Saturday or Sunday, I was doing something. He goes, listen, I'll tell you what. If you take the ride with me, I'll drive you there and back for free. Just come to the first class with me.

Tell me you're my brother. So I went, I'll never forget this. And they said, this is what happens to you when you drink alcohol the first 30 minutes. And they broke down what happens to every part of your body. And then they compared it to what happens when you smoke marijuana. It was two different worlds. Right there, I was in the, no, alcohol frame. And after I saw that video, I never really wanted to drink again.

Even though last night I was sitting there in the house. My wife was sleeping. The baby was sleeping. There was nothing I wanted to watch. I was going over the lines for an audition. And I went to the refrigerator to get some water. And guess what? I seen the little fucking milk break.

To vodka. A little airplane bottle of Irish cream, Bailey's. I shook it up. I poured it up with two ice cubes. And I left it out for about three, four, five, 10, seven minutes. So the ice cubes started melting. And I mixed it around. I drank it like a gentleman by myself.

Did I get fucked up? Fuck yeah. When Bailey's Irish cream makes you feel like a Cosby victim. That's when you know your alcohol levels. Yeah, I can't drink for shit, Jack. So what else you want to do in 2008? I mean, you got this movie working. Yeah, I mean, I'm writing some other shit locally.

Yeah, I want to work on my, I want to put more content out. I'm going to start shooting like little sketches and shit. Hey, man, I just want to be relevant, bro. I want to be in everybody's mouth. And I just, I want to keep climbing. And I'm just keep learning and getting better. I'm, I'm ready to start. You know, I've been in the game for a long time.

Do I have an hour special? No, but when it comes, it's going to come. I'm not going to cheat my fans. I can do it now, but my vision's there, but I don't know how to put it to my vision yet. It's coming. It's a very hard thing, especially when you want to put something out there. This is going to be around forever.

So you will put something out. I've never had any really, whatever. So I don't know what's out there. You know, maybe they find pleasure in some other things, but no, no, no, I seen your growth. Thank you, brother. I remember the special you shot at sales right before I went to prison.

Oh yeah. 10, 10 of 2010. That was some crazy shit. That is one of the worst pieces of footage I have ever seen in all my life. It's right before I met you. I went down there so unprepared. You're nervous as fuck. It wasn't that I was nervous, George.

It was that, you know, what's that song There's a time to fall. No, when to hold. Now when to hold him. No, when to fold him. Fuck, what is that song? You know, Kenny Rogers, the gambler. I've seen so many people in this town make mistakes.

But you're not here to bust anybody's dreams. When somebody comes to me and says, bro, you're not going to believe this. I got an idea. I'm going to shoot a special in my high school. Oh my God. I'm going to shoot it for free and then you go good luck to you. And you can't figure out why they're shooting this special. You can't figure it out.

And they come to you in Atlanta. This, you know, I love the guys that come to you and say, I got a special. I'm shooting for 3000. I got hooked up. Wait till you see it. Wait till you listen to it. There's going to be a by the way somewhere that 3000.

You fucked up. Lost it. You fucked up. I made a $7000 investment. I ate a bag of dick after everything. It cost me like 10. I ate a bag of dicks. I took the loss like a man, but I learned a valuable lesson.

That's how you teach a man a lesson. Hit him in the fucking pocket. Yeah. For real. You hit yourself in the pocket and that's how you learn a valuable lesson. You shut your mouth and your mind, your business. When comedy dynamics wanted to shoot special, I didn't want to shoot it. Lee, am I lying to you?

No, I didn't want to shoot it. Eventually gave me a number that worked. It didn't really work. But for what I had going on, I might as well jump on it. But that whole business is a weird business. Yeah. I wish to God there was somebody with 60 grand that go, you know what? Here's the 60.

Let's go shoot at this place. Boom, boom, boom. Get the copyright. You know, whether it's Netflix, HBO, blah, blah, blah, blah. We control the whole thing and that's it. You know, we'll split the investment or something like that. If it gets copyrighted and not we sell CDs online, we figure it out. There's always a way to do it.

But then what my point is, and there's a way and a when to do it. Timing is everything. I've seen so many comics throw away hundreds of thousands of dollars. Thinking they're going to put something out. The biggest joke in this industry is web series. I love these guys that spend all this money on a web series and nobody knows who the fuck they are. And not one of them even decides to get a fucking web presence a year before he puts out the series. To have a web series, you have to have a web presence.

And then the web series falls into place. But to just think of people, you know, you have a big platform from nine to five. We can talk about this shit forever. I'm just as fucked. I'm sorry, George. You're fine. You in the red shirt is tremendous. You remind me of American me.

I'm waiting for fucking Jimmy Smith to knock on the door. I'll stab his ass. Always a pleasure to see you, bro. What dates you got coming up? Tomorrow I'm at the comedy store Monday at Secret Show. Me, Red Band, Brendan Schaub, Christina Hutchinson from the Guys We Fuck podcast. Yeah, tomorrow night. And then Wednesday you with me and Irvine.

Wednesday I'm with you and Irvine. Me, you, D-ag. Yep. And Thursday I'll be at the house just because of you, dog. I'm getting in Boston Market this year. Are you really? Yeah, I'm not cooking one this year. Don't do it.

I was just joking around. There's got to be a cousin that you could pay somebody a small 20 to make a turkey for you. I really don't like that shit. You don't like the Spanish turkey? I don't like it. I'm over it. Like, what do you want? Honestly.

Listen, like you and me, I got to be honest with you. If you like, you come over to my house. Here's the problem with Thanksgiving with me. I eat turkey one time. I eat that prison stuffing, some mashed potatoes. You got a piece of pumpkin pie with some whipped cream on it. Hit the road and I'm good to them. My wife sits there with the turkey.

What do you want tomorrow, turkey sandwich? Listen, how do I want to see the turkey sandwich again unless I go to county jail? Oh, I get surgery. You ever get surgery? They always hit you with a turkey surgery. Yeah, because it's healthy. That shit with the fucking little sperm on it. It's like a thin coating of sperm at the hospital with the American cheese and the mayonnaise

that comes in the package with the apple juice tremendous. It makes you sleepy. That's why they give it to you too. Oh, well, for fucking if you're half a fag, I can eat 10 turkeys and nothing happens. They call it tryptophan, but that shit don't work on Uncle Joe. You know what I'm saying? Lisa, how are we feeling, my brother? I'm feeling pretty good.

What are we doing for Thanksgiving? What do you disclose? What we're doing? Talk to me. I'm not sure. I was going to go to Vegas for a second. But I think I'm going to stay here. And I think I'm going to go to Paul's mom for a minute and then I'll see you.

And then maybe I'll maybe go to Vegas Friday. Who knows? I think you're making a good move. I think you should partake with your family on Thanksgiving day and then go to bed nice and early about eight. Get a little sukkala mink in the morning before you leave. Get on the 101 at about nine, right? You get there by one, two.

You can't check until three. You stop at your favorite Storm Bowl-y place. Make sure you work out good next week. You do push-ups and kettlebells. I'm excited. I have a Troy Conrad taking my pictures in December. Is he really? Oh, he's a great guy.

He's getting into the commercial business. That's what's up. I want to try. He's been telling me for years. And when you live in Los Angeles, you are non-union. Right. All these commercials, you see 65% of them are non-union now. That's why all these people are getting early pensions.

That's why all these people are saying, you know what? Fuck it. I'll go up because there's a way to shoot non-union commercials when you sag. But you have to give up your benefits. Oh, fuck that. You have to give up some type of benefit. So you still got a pension, but not ever since they call it something. I'm not sure.

Don't quote me on it. So is it a mistake to go union? If I go my first day and they're like, you do great at this. For the next year, you do non-union commercials and you make a hundred grand. Is that possible? Lee, you live in the city, anything's possible. You have more of a chance of doing that than fucking, let's pretend you go for a commercial and you get Mattel like a fucking dwarf.

And they put like a Vinnie Warhead hat on you. No. I'll do it for Mattel money. I'm just saying it to you. And all of a sudden George is the director of marketing for something. And he thinks you're perfect for the mascot. For some travel velocity channel, you with that little fucking hat on. And they shoot you, you know, whatever timescale and then you shoot 22 commercials

like that chick from fucking whatever. What do you think that puts in your pocket? I have no idea. Not to mention the sag insurance. Not to mention that you played during the Super Bowl. But am I union or non-union in that situation? Lee, at this point in life, who knows? Because after the strike, it fucked it all up.

Gotcha. Now, let's pretend you get a union job. Okay. Then you get the union job. Let's pretend another union job. That means you're sag eligible. That means before you shoot that commercial, you're going to get a call. Hi, my name is George Perez.

I work for sag. I see here you booked the commercial for the Panasonic. There's only one flaw here that you're eligible for sag. And the only way to shoot this sag commercials, you will become a sag. Not tomorrow. We'll be open from nine to five. We take Visa Mastercard. We also take a finance plan.

How are you planning on paying for this? And you're like paying for what? And they're like, to join the screen actor skill. Now, it's $32.50 to join. And you're like, $32.50? No, no, no. Sir. Let me bring it down to you, sir.

It's $3,250 to join. Wow. It's probably $2,500 right now. $2,750. It was $1,250 when I got here. And I got it waived because the production company paid for it. But they don't do that no more. Those days are over.

Those days are over. So yeah, Lee, what do you got to lose? You live here. You go to a nice commercial, you start getting calls. In the afternoons, you got somewhere to go. Now you can mingle. You meet new people. I went to an audition.

I went to two auditions the last week. And I got to tell you something. One was in Burbank. And the other one was in Hollywood somewhere. I didn't want to go and didn't want to be. At both places, you know what? I felt a little rejuvenated. And that's why I asked my agency.

So every time I talk to you guys, you talk about this fucking me going here and me going there. How about the other nine floors in your building? Did you ever consider, even though I have a fucking IMDB rating of like three thousand? Yeah. What are you doing? Why am I doing the road?

Let's get back to the movies. Let's get back to some TV. And then once we got a ball going, then we'll talk about the road again. But for right now, there's no reason to keep me out there like a wet dog. There's no reason. I got a family.

I got a wife. I got the podcast with Lee. I got to worry about. I'm right here with you, brother. But I'm proud you're still doing your thing. Lisa Yad's doing his thing. Mom is doing her thing. She didn't need a fucking star at that time.

But you know what? Don't blame me. You learn your lesson. You play with the devil. You come back with a scar on your head. Anyway, it's Thanksgiving. The holidays are upon you and you're still fucking around. You're still single.

You don't know why. Every time you go on a date, the chick leaves the night. She don't even spend the night. You know why? Because your balls and your asshole stink like death. That's why. But now it's Thanksgiving. It's a time to express gratitude and recollect.

I want you truly grateful for this year. Make sure when your family shits in your house, they leave with a clean asshole. Get a tushy bidet. You're like, Joey, what's a bidet? It's a portable bidet that snaps onto any toilet, okay? And next thing you know, before you shoot, you get up and waste two trees.

I'm wiping your ass and making it sore. Tell them, Lee, how this will go down. Oh my God, it's going to change your life. You sit down and with the twist, you only need two fingers to twist it. And it twists and you're clean. I have the cold water only when I haven't tried the hot water one. The hot water one is the way to go.

I love the cold water. I like cold water. Wakes me up. I like it. I don't want cold water in my ass. So I want hot water, nice steamy, to kill all the bacteria and all the bad fucking fungi. I go to the shower after to do that.

That's a double clean. That's a tremendous clean. I mean, you care about your people. I do. You care about the people around you. But listen, talk is cheap. Why let your parents and co-parents and grandma walk around that house with that rotten ass

and then sit on your couch, watching the football games the rest of the day. Fuck them. Make sure when they go to your bathroom, they got a tushy in there. A portable bidet that snaps onto both bathrooms. And don't let them use your bathroom. Send it to the bathroom around the corner.

Tell them that the pipe is broken in your bathroom. Nobody sits in your bathroom. You nasty motherfuckers. They come over with their nasty ass balls and shit. Fuck that. Send it to the bathroom next to the garage. I don't give a fuck if you don't have heat. HelloTushy.com right now.

HelloTushy.com. Use the code word church for 10% off your order. The best bidet in the business. It's $69 with a free wrist 60 day trial. Listen to me. It's time you clean your asshole. HelloTushy.com will do that for you. Use the code word church for 10% off your order.

Number two, let me tell you something. It's the holidays. You're going to binge. You're going to eat. It's acceptable. But now you're going to start the year off and you want to eat healthy. This is what Uncle Joey comes in.

You ready? Blue Apron. Joey, what's Blue Apron? It's the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. Blue Apron's mission is to make everybody an incredible home cooked meal accessible to everyone. They achieve this by supporting a more sustainable food system.

Setting higher standards for ingredients and building a community of home chefs. Blue Apron offers three plans. The two person plan. Meals that serve two people choose from eight new recipes per week. The family meal plan. Meals that serve four people and choose from four new recipes per week. With a choice to receive either two, three, or four recipes any week.

And the wine plan. Oh, six bottles of wine from renewed winemakers delivered monthly. Let me tell you something. You have no idea how much you're going to spend. How great Blue Apron is. What's the last thing you had on Blue Apron, Lee? I had the crispy chicken tenders with hot honey, potato salad, and marinated cucumber.

I love potato salad. So I was really excited to get to learn how to make it. And the chicken tenders are, are you bread them a little bit? But then you pan, you pan cook, you cook them in the pan. It's great. Let me tell you the recipe for the month. Butter squash pasta with chaolin brown butter walnuts. Oh, roasted chicken and four vegetables with cranberry and ginger compote.

Can you make that? No. Baramundi with mixed mushrooms with Jasmine rice and Napa cabbage. You've never dreamed of making that. Look at this one. Seared steaks with garlic butter with oven fries and romaine salad. Are you kidding me or what? Listen to me, to me and yourself a favor. Blue Apron is going to take care of the church of what's happening now.

The family to their first dinner. They're going to buy it. That's it. A $30 value if you visit blueapron.com slash joey. So check out this week's menu. Again, it starts off with the seared steak and garlic butter with oven fries and romaine lettuce. Can you imagine making that after dinner? You're inviting a little girly pool over and you put that on the dish.

Forget about it. The rest of the night is nothing but the goods. Anyway, Blue Apron is treating my listeners to their first dinner. A $30 value visit blueapron.com slash joey. That's blueapron.com slash joey. You know why? Because Blue Apron is a better way to cook. Remember, families that cook together stay together.

Also, the holidays are coming. Blue Friday, Black Friday, Jewish people up and down Friday. I don't know what to tell you. Everybody's looking for a TV set. I'm going to hook you up with the best gi in the business. Fuji gi, period. Go to fuji.com, fuji sports.com right now. Pressing church.

I'm going to give you 10% off. Any gi. Me, I got the super radio. I got the psycho, S-E-I-K-O, the seiko. And I got the elemental, especially a blue one that they sent me. I haven't got it down. That's where I go on Tuesdays with the elemental. I show up with the blue elemental and that's how we do it.

As usual, a real pleasure to have my brother George Perez on the show and watch him make growth to see somebody else who was locked up and did something. Instead of becoming a fucking statistic like the rest of us, we became a different statistic. That'll be, uh, what'll be in 2017? Yeah. I got out in 2009, November 21st. That's what, eight years? Yeah.

No, this is how it is. You find something that overpowers your ability to want to do something. And listen, it took the comedy a long time to overpower the cocaine. Yeah. I'm not going to sit here and bullshit you. Cocaine and comedy go hand in hand after you have a great set. You get off, your friend gives you a bump. You get free drink tickets, but who needs a drink ticket?

You already gave the Filipino guy 20. When you walked in, you're drinking double makers, Mark or whiskies that would kill a mule. You got Uber on standby. You got the Armenian waiting by the house of blues under a tree waiting for the signal going down. So it's tough, but they listen, life goes on. Brother Lee, what's up? I always want George, when you first went to prison, do you think you're going to be able to make it back when you got out?

Like, do you think you're going to be able to make it back to comedy? Yeah. When I first got there, that wasn't on my mind. The only thing on my mind was to survive and like stay it. You're not thinking comedy when you're in there. I didn't think of comedy until a guard recognized me. I didn't want no one to know I was a comic and because I wanted less contact with people. You don't want, you don't want everyone saying fucking hi to you and all that shit.

Right. Okay. Yeah. But when I got out, Joey was the first one I ever performed with. So, but I'm just talking about even career wise. Oh, career wise? Like, yeah. Do we like, oh, fuck my life's over.

I did think that I was just like, you know what, but I didn't know I was such a rookie comic still that I just, I don't know, dog. Lee, I come from, there's nothing stopping me, dog. I'm 40 years old. Like I wasn't thinking that I was just like, you know what, I got to get in this prison, not, not get stabbed, no one to catch extra shit. I need to do my time. And when I get out, I got to fucking get my grind back on.

Your career would never stop. Even if God forbid something happened tomorrow, I ended up back in the prison. Yeah. With the six months of prison guard would come up to me and go listen, Thursday nights. Why don't you do a comedy show? Yeah. I sit down in there and they'll pay you this for the education fund or something. And next thing you know, there's your career.

And you're helping other people get that career. That's what I'm thinking about going back to one of those places again to doing comedy, because I want to be around young comics, stay inspired. Yeah, true that. Watch what the fuck they're doing. You're like, that's what these motherfuckers are doing. Mix it with what I'm doing. Are you kidding me?

You ever see like a baseball team that they're young? And then for some reason they got an old guy. Yeah, the cubbies. And then that one old guy has the year of his fucking life. He hits 22 home runs and 16 RBIs and he's up for the Golden Glove Award. Why? Because those young guys taught him new fucking tricks. You follow him Sandy?

Pay attention, Lee, you bad motherfucking George Perez. What's the name of your podcast? George Perez stories. I'm going to come on before the end of the year. Thank you, man. I would love to have you and Lee. And I love Lee Syat. Have a great day, Lee.

We'll be back Tuesday. Stay black. See you motherfuckers in Sacktown with my brother, Wheeler Walker on the third, fourth, and fifth. Have a good night. Have a good day. Have a good week. Happy now. We'll talk.

We'll see you before Thanksgiving. Ciao. Late. Do you need a drive to give me this friend guy? Yeah. You're coming home again tomorrow. I'm sorry it won't be for long. I'm sorry my heart is not to cry when it decides to say goodbye.

I'm sorry my heart is not to cry when it decides to say goodbye. I'm sorry my heart is not to cry when it decides to say goodbye. Do you need a solo who knew what tomorrow would bring? You're coming home again tomorrow. I'm sorry it won't be for long. Do you need a drive to give me this friend guy? Yeah. I'm sorry my heart is not to cry when it decides to say goodbye.

Do you need a solo who knew what tomorrow would bring? I'm sorry it won't be for long. Do you need a solo who knew what tomorrow would bring? Do you need a solo who knew what tomorrow would bring? Do you need a solo who knew what tomorrow would bring? This life was hell for sure. It just wasn't a drive. It's been a deep stretch through the sky.

Yeah. Waiting for a reason to follow with the time in the stars. You're coming home again tomorrow. I'm sorry it won't be for long. Do you need a solo who knew what tomorrow would bring? I'm sorry my heart is not to cry when it decides to say goodbye. I'm sorry it won't be for long. Thank you for watching.