Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #537 - Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 27, 2017

Tom Segura, Comedian seen on Netflix and heard as the co-host of the "Your Mom's House" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first order.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever!     Recorded live on 11/26/2017.  

Welcome to podcastville the church of what's happening now is brought to you by nature box listen the goods the holidays mean one thing go go go you got presents to wrap travel to plan relatives to brace for with all that it can be hard to find time to eat healthy let nature box help with the snacks are both delicious and better for you if you're trying to eat better the holidays are mine for you know that chocolate cookies candy canes everybody I just have one piece it's no fun feeling left out of deliciousness let nature box help you with snacks that you love and that are seriously delicious and better for you and right now what I'm gonna do for you Uncle Joey right off the bat see some people show up they beg I'm giving you some off the bat

I'm offering you 50% off of your first order when you go to naturebox.com slash Joey make sure you get the no they sent me a box last week delicious I didn't give you dick I'm sorry I know I never get a nature box you know what happened the beef jerky oh my god the jalapeno sweet jalapeno that's good Jesus Christ anyway that's nature box.com slash Joey and I'm gonna give you 50% off your first order again nature box.com slash Joey now what goes up must come down and what goes in must go out the reason why I'm talking to you right now is I've been telling you this for about a year but now I'm gonna drop it on you but days are back when you're writing your little Santa list this year tell that cock sucker one thing that he still owes you money and two

that all you want for Christmas is your asshole to fucking be spotless clean when you got access pine cones coming out of your fucking muffler and fudgy shit smith all over on holy night you need a tushy bidet all right what's a bidet a bidet is portable you're snapping on your toilet and after you take the shit of debt you push the button and water hits your asshole and let me tell you something you kill three birds with one stone I have one of those man how fucking good is it man it's like a fire hose it's tremendous totally it's cleans your ass better than toilet paper on the fucking market all right and it cleans deep deep deep you spread those cheeks like you're on coke and you're about to put it in a fucking asshole you don't give a fuck

and you let that cold water hit that fucking libido whatever the fuck you got in there and then you give it one last wipe and it's all over you understand me your asshole's tip top magoo all you need is somebody to take the small 20 to lick that fucking mid-flavored muffler you know I'm saying because it's the holidays so do me a favor what I'm gonna do for you right now is this $69 Santa could afford that stop wiping that nasty fucking ass and get a clean ass with Tushy go to hellotushy.com right now and use code church for 10% off your order again hellotushy.com right now let's get this motherfucking party started Lisa yeah taking it right to the fucking starters it's November the pilgrims are gone they killed the Indians it's over

this is the song of fucking war why could you go on a war this week with who yourself it's over the moon is red me and begins to show are you fucking nuts right here nobody I used to do ass and listen to this by myself after my mother died the torture myself here we go this is one of my favorite parts by there's a lot of reasons I love seeing you but one of them every time I see you come to your podcast you always will put me on to like a movie I haven't seen before or know about or some or some music that's like I don't want you making a drive for

no reason I fucking love it man time to go in the house looking fucking beautiful thanks brother handsome dapper you got my favorite uh christ killer lisa at next to him flying you you're looking dapper from the side you're starting to lose ck I hope you don't take your dick out stop playing the drums in you know what I'm saying thanks buddy how's the family family's great man so your little boy's going on too gonna be to just uh can't wait it's the best the security's a little fucking what's the changes that you've noticed inside of you like what now when you get on a plane you don't and a kid cries you don't want to kick that lady in the head no yeah it completely changes your complaints yeah you have empathy how people you see yeah you see a

lady with a like two bags and a baby and and she's walking you you'll run to get the door I mean not that you wouldn't before but like you you're you're keeping an eye out for it because you recognize it man and you have definitely empathy for the crying babies for sure like you definitely have changed with that part because you you can't help it man you know it's crazy how people are getting called out for things they did 15 20 years ago yeah and for some people I get it and for some others I don't get it and the reason why I was married I had a child I had a child till the age of three you know I was in her life till the age of five you know I was there as much time as I could do but I wasn't the same animal mm-hmm I was not the same animal not even

close I was a failure of a man at that point in my life compared to who and how I think now yeah and I see a guy like you you know your late 30s you spit out your first child your wife is supreme and it's like I've seen the changes in you you know in little things a lot more focused what do you feel inside as a dad like that's man it's hard to put into words man it really is yeah that's what because it's like it sounds it sounds cliche but all those cliche things ultimately are usually true and that's why I mean there's there's truth to it so people repeat them you know but it's like I mean you know your kids like it's all you you think about when you go when you get up in the morning it's like your soul focus and you think about when you go to bed it becomes like

just the driving force in your life I think so like you know it just it changes everything man and it's crazy because I know there's a lot of this is right now that a young boy yeah sure we don't give a fuck about you yeah fucking kids yeah that's great you're not going to give a fuck today but one day you're going to be in a hospital room holding your child and you're going to think of Tom or me telling you this that yeah it makes you it puts puts does it take the blinders on or does it take them off what's the oh man you get yeah like you get hyper fucking almost paranoid about shit man like you start things that you'd ignored you're like I got you you just think about it all I mean from like fucking safety you know like uh is everything secure here to like

what's good what are we going to do when we get on that plane you start thinking about what if somebody I don't know you always want to protect the kid no matter what you know from other kids other adults the world the park a lot there's a big yeah we go to park yeah yeah and how is he reacting at the park oh it's awesome he loves the park me he loves you know he's fucking he's uh he's super active he's big running around like he's just he's uh he loves playing man so I mean we take him to classes and he loves all that shit dude what's his sleeping habits he's down to one nap a day basically goes down for a nap every day around let's say 130 sleeps for on a great day two hours but usually less than that and then at night he goes to bed at seven and he gets up at

wow yeah 12 hours jesus christ what about mercy last night I got up I don't know what happened I did a lot of you know when we sat there quiet I go I do a lot of exercises yeah so I went to a couple jiu-jitsu with my buddies and got beat up and you go to that how you like that really really do yeah and this guy I've been because I can't go to the 12 o'clock classes because I'm busy now right and so I gotta go to my buddies at three and it's tremendous it really is but last week I think I overdid a little bit from my age and uh last night I fell asleep at seven my my my my niece came into town with a boyfriend it was just thanksgiving was we drove to Irvine it's exhausting man we drove back uh they were there we stayed up till one talking

got up the next morning uh it was Thursday people came over I tried to help my wife as much as I could uh Friday uh they went to universal I trained I wrote a little bit I uh hooked up with them Friday and I took them for Cuban food they weren't fucking nuts I shot the Cuban sandwich commercial form oh Cochinito and Silver Lake has just become superb you uh when I tell you they have you go to a place that's Spanish you eat something whatever nationality you could be whether you're Irish whether you're German Hungarian you know yeah whatever you know excuse me and you eat something and you always look for the way your Russian grandmother made it yeah yeah Argentinian uncle nothing ever compares right as a matter of fact sometimes it's shitty and you get insulted like

a guy like me gets insulted and his feelings get hurt and I'm meeting at la florida uh not not la florida oh I was about to say that used to be my spot when I lived in Hollywood that Florida on Melrose that one like on on East Melrose no this uh there's a Cuban restaurant that's popular the food is horrible it's popular on Mondays because people go dance there that's the one in the heart of Hollywood that's a florida though I don't know what it's called okay then these are the ones I know about they say the best one isn't called the city but there's one on motor and Venice that's uh the one you go to Versailles fricasse de pollo that's what the fricasse de pollo yeah that's that's one of my favorites I just hate the fucking bones yeah yeah me too I hate having

to stop but I'd be like get the bones wait now I got the fucking chicken grease on my fork yeah yeah you know so I like that who go from I love the rice oh jeez fucking hey man so this place this one I never told you about this late la florida El Cochinito was a spot I discovered my second month in town Cochinito okay I'm sitting there with my niece Felicia Michaels my wife my niece's boyfriend yeah we're drinking sangria we're sitting there and you ever go into like uh you ever watch a movie and the guy goes into like a thought yeah and I go how did I end up Cochinito and I went to an audition I saw Rudy Moreno at the audition it was one of those big tv dramas yeah it's gotta be march of 97 I'm in a borrowed car like I had no money I think in

those days I used to borrow Doug Stanhope's utility car and you didn't know how much gas was in it because the the needle was always broken out so you had a as soon as you got in the car you had to put 10 bucks in there and so that's what you did I went to this fucking audition went on the five you know these directions I don't know about and I end up on the way back go to the audition I eat a bag of dicks and I end up in Echo Park the one that the water spits out but as I'm driving I know this police helicopters are all around me right yeah and I keep driving like I you know I don't know what the fuck's going on what was going on was the side I was driving on and I don't know whether I was going north or south people please or west or north I was going

this way over here there was a police pursuit have you been to Echo Park not a while but yeah Echo Park has a two-block Cuban neighborhood that you could go get Cuban pastries at this time I do I know about this I don't know dick all I know is that I hear stop police so I put my car over and I hear and I hear boom and I look over and I see the guy on the floor and there's 10 cops and there's a lot of copters this is 2 30 in the afternoon on a fucking Tuesday okay I'm running my own fucking business this could only happen to me but it gets worse after I get back I put my single on to make a left to go back into the highway the tire got flat Jesus I got no ATM I got no money I got a driver's license from Colorado maybe fucking $4 I drive around the corner with the flat

I park I call the only person I know Marilyn Martinez got arrested so she sends her husband over he goes don't worry about nothing I got you we went up to if you go Echo Park if you go up if you go east every other store is a Mexican tire place right right that you go in there whatever you need they got a tire 20 bucks you know and then you can juke them down give me 10 ocho not that way with weight yeah so he got me a tire for like eight bucks slaps it Jesus Christ right gets me a tire they slap it on for you for eight bucks oh no I'm healed but on the way back uh Marilyn's husband god rest his soul says to me have you ever met my brother in law the Cuban guy like oh no he goes he wants to meet you man he just got a prison and he says he knows people

you know and all this shit like all right let's go are these two by the way they're they're both past Marilyn and the husband both passed Marilyn died of cancer or anything like Marilyn Martinez was a comic okay to the husband damn so now we end up at Ocochino to meet the guy to meet the dude yeah and I'm fucking I got four bucks on me and I don't order I just got like a soul and the guy's like eat you know I'll buy you lunch and we start talking and it was just a great conversation about being Cuban yeah and it always ends with if you ever need anything contact me yeah yeah I'm like like what do you mean by anything and he goes I got the best coconut you don't need to smell it on you what did that because we're family right there you're Cuban yeah

so as a matter of fact following me two blocks down I'll throw a package in your hand okay he threw a package in my hand for free that night I went and did comedy and I went I went to the coaching horses it was Doug Stanhope I mean this all happened in one day and I'm sitting at the table going my life is crazy back then it was me Doug Stanhope David Fulton a comic friend of ours from Seattle from 95 lives in England now Josh Wolf his brothers we would go to the store and then go to coaching horses that night I had to cancel this coke was so good I couldn't even talk I remember I had a lead and I was living in my car and I had to go on Josh Wolf's block park under a tree and lay back with like two bottles of beer and I sat there till four in the morning doing the little coke I had jerking

off and that was the end of that fucking day that was a great day and that's how you ended up at a coaching and I remember the first time it sounds like a good yelp review that's a fantastic review the first time I fucking went it was like I ended up jerking off out of a window oh my god this fucking terrible in a car up to the five stars that fucking coke was good so did you hit him up again oh yeah that night when that shit wore off I made up some story I gave somebody like a bump or two and they went crazy they had had to do the cocaine was off limits like this shit was just it was how much were you doing at your max of coke like when you were really in this was probably 97 yeah and I was broke but I could still get 20s from

time to time and at that time I was doing three four 20s a week okay then I popped a Taco Bell commercial it was off oh really yeah it was one of the first one with the dog and then you're like getting checks yeah I was just going to the dude's house but at that time I always hunted away just like we to get I met people who did cocaine and appreciated it yeah there's people who were just salesmen but there's people like listen you gotta come over here now and bring whatever cash you got with you because I usually get shit wait till you see this shit and they were not fucking with you and they're not fucking you you go over there this shit is from 1980 the flake the ether base you know if you learn the narcos and the season three yeah you really enjoy yeah yeah go to

by the ether yeah there was no ether at one point in 85 cocaine was always tremendous it always tasted delicious that drip yeah when you went up to the bar and had that fucking Budweiser Jesus Christ and your throat would get numb and you're there fucking I wouldn't even smoking that but that was a time by 86 87 yeah that cocaine started getting funky started smelling turpentine and fucking shoe polish and it was so good but the next day you kind of had a headache from what the fuck you were snorting the night before gasoline because they couldn't get enough ether in because there was like a cutoff right some like some supplier they couldn't get enough in like that at that point they were making so much cocaine god damn that they couldn't get enough ether I never

you romanticize it to the point where I want to try I knew at that point I knew what was going on like I remember people go I remember I used to fly back and forth with Danny B who calls them to the podcast yeah I used to fly back and forth with packages at one time I went to see him and he goes listen oh this guy usually wants nine at that time he wanted a 86 and 9600 for a quarter kilo which at that time was whatever it comes out the nine and a half I have no idea I'm not a mathematician the price dropped by 2000 he goes if you want he goes I'll get you that one but try this shit for 2000 less it might work for you and he brought it over fucking the coke put me another planet there was only one problem it smelled like fucking cat piss really oh my god

in a horrible way really and guess what the Jew Cuban did that I did well I brought that cat piss bracket you did and no matter what you cut it with it was cat piss and people were bringing it back to me people like you can so that was the coke that you bought and turned into crack the cat piss the cat pit because then they don't they don't give a fuck they're smoking it yeah they don't taste that cat it doesn't taste like cat piss when you smoke it then there was a period but when you snored at what it sticks with you it sticks with you like it's just you know it doesn't smell good like it just doesn't smell good what does regular coke smell like delicious paradise but I mean really fucking paradise when the ether ether based cocaine smells good 80 79 through 86

how hard was it to quit coke it was uh easy because I was done you were already like I was done like at that point I had a lot of variables why and it was a lot easier than people think I was done once I just I missed uh I realized that I wasn't getting high to get it wasn't enjoyable like like marijuana right now I could see it falling off the map any day now really yeah I could see myself I could see myself just doing edibles or something to calm me down for a while just to save a little bit alone I got left oh stop smoking doesn't take a genius to know I got the beginnings of emphysema you know like you know you don't have to be a genius so you can do it then

do that man save the lungs and that's what uh with cocaine it was the same thing I just knew that when you uh I was doing cocaine for so long I was getting jolts in my spine at the end of the night jolts of electricity like Castro's men hitting you with his app that is terrifying and that's not good that's not right that means you're like yeah that me and I was getting worn a night you know once a week and then I started to get to a night that's fucking terrifying I started to get to a night I could just see my wife waking up to go pee and seeing my fat little legs in the kitchen purple and you're like yeah I'm like you know I said I can't do it so that was you have to know the you have to be honest with yourself at one point wait I wanted to ask you this we're jumping back

what what's the what's the great dish at El Cuchinito there's a bunch of them but didn't you have a favorite you were saying I think I had the piety on that yeah now the piety do I rank it in what I grew up at Segovia and moonwalk in New Jersey and in the places in the city yeah where my mom took me to I rank it a six but they're in the ballpark and that impresses me yeah the chorizo is good it says special on Fridays okay I usually go for the fucking uh if I go there I get the pork chunks as much as I don't like eating pork out they do it perfect yeah I mean perfect with white rice and black beans I'm too old to eat the fried bananas so I don't admit that you're too old for them yeah after a while you're not bad if you look them up on

weight watches and shit yeah it's only they kill you but you're trying to not avoid a little fried food sure you eat the pork you sacrifice the fried banana and you don't need to fucking bread and butter and when you order the flan which is a tent the flan there is but here's the thing that they're what I love about a restaurant is I'll stay with you if you're five and if you're nice people and if every time I go on there is a table and if I'm in and out of there and the waitresses are nice yeah the place is clean I'll stay with you because I don't like shopping around it fits a five or six they went from being a five or six to a nine to a ten I'm telling you this over the fucking two years like the last seven meals I've had to have left that going Jesus fucking Christ that was good whoa

now on people argue I know some guy was telling me once I'll they get their beans out of a can I went to another popular place a couple weeks ago where the beans were dick dick but where is this uh coach neato it's right on sunset boulevard okay like on silver lake up I cope with that oh yeah okay you know I'm saying like it's it's hip now the hip stuff it's next to a basket robins okay you know it's uh it's very hip now so on Friday you're gonna hit the seven o'clock but I will tell you one thing I had six people with me they drank I'm the designated driver yeah I'm 300 pounds alcohol does nothing to me yeah I got a picture of sangria dog it was the biggest fucking picture of sangria I ever saw in my life people would tap it out really Jesus Christ

how much sangria it was filled to a brim I had like a piece of pineapple I couldn't drive my wife had to drive really what happened I had a piece of pineapple I fucked up Jack it's not the juice to get you it's that fruit they let sit those fucking right they let that shit shit we were talking right before you said to hold it I was asking you if uh in prison if different races had different foods like that were a priority for them that like they like oh you know it's fucking Wednesdays you know mac and cheese the fucking Asians are gonna go nuts today or whatever like was there anything that like different races prioritized food-wise in prison or that they desired you know when I got to county and diagnostic there's a list you get a sheet on Tuesday night yeah this is

1987 people if you're in prison now or whatever I don't know how the fuck it's done then and on Tuesday night when you got arrested you usually got $22 on you then your mother puts a $50 bill there so now you got $72 yeah so that's called the commissary yeah so on that commissary there's toothpaste toothbrush comb gel deodorant big bag of Cheetos ding dongs you know they got a bucket of shit yeah it's 50 a week to live in there 80 a week to live in there you know and then on Thursday night they they could Tom Segura it made 68 check yourself oh by the way they were out of Cheetos Lee Syap bought 25 bags that motherfucker because then he'll sell them on the black market right you're following me right you're charging the Cheetos so every night when you go by Lee

Sellers and want your fat dudes lurking waiting for him dog was the Cheetos at the shit you know yeah so that's how it was in those systems for you to and I don't remember if they could bring your food and visitation the good it was very interesting for me because when I got sentenced they told me to my face you were not going to see a state prison till December you were going to go to a county jail you either gonna go to rifle which is down underneath and you only have windows it's really like the shiny Jesus it snows a lot and I think a cable TV and shit like that and at that time there was another place or you could sign a waiver and get sent to Texas or some other place and it was three days for one something crazy so I didn't say nothing my attorney never

mentioned it I got sentenced August 15th so I figure fuck I'll be in Boulder till maybe October and then October don't ship me to Ohio or the rifle and then by December I'll go to diagnostic but by that time it doesn't matter because those days in county are two for the price of one so six months in county already 12 months I had a I had a it counts like that they tell you that no that's the rule that's the rule so at that time okay I had a 48 month sentence right okay which is four years yeah my sentencing the DLI signed was six to four four years to six no zero to six that's what it was it was dependent on the judge zero to six was the DLI signed I could get six years I get three years I get four years probation but it was nothing more

than six years that's the deal I signed that was it I signed to second degree burglary had to accessory to a felony that's what the plea that was my plea bargain man my and I still give him props that was one of the best attorneys because what was the worst case scenario that they were kidnapping two nine years and federal and it's and it and it's a toss up at the feds one at number one yeah and number two it's a violent crime which means you serve three quarters of your sentence mandatory mandatory and you get a parole one year they definitely hold you back yeah so I would have done eight years for sure fuck and they were going for it they were going heavy for it but I knew the victim was weak and he was getting weaker by the day he was snorting

more in fact he called me we've been playing phone tag lately really yeah we've been I apologize the whole thing I remember when you apologized yeah but then I still kept in touch with him you still fuck with him no there's no reason to fuck with him he lives in his own hell I have a funny feeling really and I love him daily believe it or not you know I like over the years I've learned to love him daily because uh and you just passed the anniversary of something right because I saw you tweet like this was 30 years was here when I did the crime 30 years ago yeah like last week yeah it was 30 years ago so that's what pisses me off but what's going on right now that people accusing people of things they did 15 years ago 20 years ago that type of shit bothers me bro because we all

changed yeah I know I'm a way different motherfucking that was at 34 at 34 I was on intercom any but I could still mug you if I had to do you understand yeah you had two kilos of coke and you were fucking around with Lee up here ha ha ha guess who's coming at three with a gun to mug you's boat you really would you really were doing that I would either do it with a mask on or or get two people to do it and take half the take wow and you'd figure out it was me eventually sure I did that type of shit like twice because I got caught with the kidnapper I lucked out on on that type of and then so it's good that you got caught but then when I got out of prison two years later three years later buddy of mine came to me to listen I got an angle these guys

they got this amount you kick the door you tell them who you are they give it to you know we hang cover when we walk out and Thompson go right did it one time you did yes and it was horrible I felt my heart beating you fucking go deaf it was terrible and I ran out of there and I came back to bed I'm like fuck you wow and that was it but these guys were pros at it this is what they did this is what they were doing they were shaking down people all over the price so wild to know you like I guess I think that's what like people don't understand like to know you but I was an economic but I wasn't a violent person yeah I was just a confused individual I was just confused yeah and I was lucky because confusion means you're gonna end up dead

or in jail I was fucking fortunate bro to go to jail yeah I was I was fortunate to go to jail when I did but I mean the knowledge I learned those years doing the shit I was doing out there is crazy that's a complete different fucking world to me that I can't even transfer to somebody like I wish like I could somebody said to me listen on your license now sign away that piece of your brain because we want to go through it and analyze it to see what you saw it's mind boggling yeah what was really really out there at that time in the education I took from it you know when you think about I was back to the food yeah yeah yeah so yeah yeah okay once you hit diagnostic I love it once you hit diagnostic and you

go to where you're supposed to go now you get visitation now we're gonna be a little racist and what we're gonna be okay I worked in the kitchen okay I think there was one Mexican kid and everybody else is straight black okay and then you and you blacks were great those black guys in the kitchen I got along with all of them what do you do in the kitchen I was just I started as a baker but I was making cinnamon rolls and I almost blew up the place because he told me to make them this big I don't know I just put them this big yeah and they came out like those fucking things you throw in the Olympics yeah so they said we need a dishwasher slash stock clerk and then they fired me as they didn't fire me as a dishwasher I had a driver's license yeah

so they wanted me to drive the sandwiches to wait when you ever go do you ever drive and you see convicts cleaning the side of the road yeah sure I would drop sandwiches off the road that was my job do you have someone like with a gun at you you're doing that no no this is this is a minimum minimum whatever security oh so they just know you're gonna come back so I got 48 months yeah but automatically it gets cut to two because you're doing the jail time because it's just the way life oh okay okay so 40 that's why when you hear oh he's getting this bullshit that's not when I hear the sentence I'll tell you what if it's bullshit enough so I got four years automatically it's 24 months I had already done a month in county so it's two

months so I had 22 months yeah but the time I got sentenced I had 22 months well guess what you're eligible for a halfway house at 18 months by the time you hit 16 months you're in a halfway house yeah so I had eight months to do maybe but at the time of sentencing he told me he wanted a letter after 90 days for reconsideration of my sentence because I'd never been in trouble before yeah yeah I had a bunch of accusations so the judge said that yeah whoa so I had three different things going for me you're following me now so back to the original question because I thought about this guy today I thought about a guy who hated me in prison remember the season of sons of anarchy what's Chuck Zito Chuck Zito yeah Chuck Zito supposed

to be a really nice guy I have a lot of friends mutual friends but when I got locked up there was a biker dude in there that acted just like Chuck Zito did on sons of anarchy he had the rings and the long hand the sunglasses and one day I don't forget this vividly he picked an argument with me about the song from guns and roses about mr. brownstone yeah I told him it's about heroin and he had like four of his little faggy fucking soldiers with him yeah the problem why he couldn't lift a hand to me was and here's is I married a woman named Terry Clark but I had three dudes I was tight with in prison at this facility that had 146 that they would bust you up one guys was a white dude from Philly named John Clark did not look threatening a menacing at all

he had just done nine years and he left bodies throughout the whole system like he was a legend in the prison system he wasn't a biker he wasn't an Aryan he was just a tough white dude yeah all right he was a meth dude and he had a girlfriend he was out of Philly on a Monday visitation she would come and bring it in her mouth and they would swap spit and I would go back to his room and he'd give me two lines of fucking meth he was my dog dog he was my goomba I loved that dog yeah but on the other side I was in the kitchen because it was army barracks so I was on the other side so the army barrack I was in was the kitchen army barrack all yams they were all brothers right they were all brothers they were all the brothers from the kitchen but the main

dude in the kitchen the guy that gave the main orders was Spencer Antoine aka chickenhawk you didn't fuck with him he was in there for him voluntary manslaughter he really killed the motherfucker yeah but he had money and he paid the attorney everybody knew not to fuck with chickenhawk not to mention he was just a solid dude yeah and he loved me he called me Cuba I loved him if I call him like a stepfather I would really yeah he had six kids you know he was a real dude he was just a black dude that was out drinking a bottle of wine one day in front of his neighbor and some people got loud with him and they said something to his wife and he stabbed the motherfucker you know playing a simple happens yeah and then there was an Italian dude that was a mobster but he really wasn't

this guy I think about him once a month because if I got a cop explain the top 10 guys I've met in my life that was the smoothest guys ever yeah he's number five or six really not a good looking dude not a handsome dude no drugs no alcohol Italian dude pure extortionist that was his angle Tom Seguro this is who I am this is what I do you're doing this you're doing this from now on you're gonna give me this envelope every month why because if not I'm gonna put your bullet your mother's fucking head and fucking whatever part of fucking you know those dudes but he was a fucking he had just done like 14 years I found out about him through a counselor him and I just used to talk and on Mondays he used to go hey kid you're hungry on Mondays I cook

and he was a tremendous cook he would make nachos with fucking stoves and ovens and shit I mean don't ask okay but he also ran the numbers the the sports betting business in that and he was Italian he wasn't goomba up yeah he could just knew he was Italian and they didn't really the Mexicans and the blacks didn't mix with him so I went to him and told me a shit question give me one of those sheets and I started selling them because I mingled with chicken hawk because he was black I mingle with John Clark because he was white okay so I had them all and I mingle with the Mexicans because I was Spanish yeah so I had everybody gambling so now I started turning over two cards so this guy started becoming his food was free to me that was part of the deal from

now on whatever you cook and he used to make shit in there every day shit every day every day he cooked every day because we all had access to the store Jesus oh man I love when now we had black dudes in there that was solid as fuck yeah and one of the dudes that was in there on Sundays and this is the question you're asking is your answer yes the Mexicans were bringing fucking burritos that they were delicious and there was one family the Anayas there was the uncle and nephew were in prison together they didn't really like each other two Mexicans right out of America and me they would look at each other like what the what fool you know what I'm saying yeah they fucking hated each other that's an uncle and a nephew in there they both ended up in the same prison

for some dumb crime they both did I was tight with the uncle the uncle and me he loved me so his mom and sister so when they would eat the whole family would come for visitation yeah and bring them food but the dude the uncle would sell me tacos no burritos green chili mashed potatoes with fucking pork in them oh and I would buy him and I give him buy something and go I should have bought 20 of them yeah like that's like I would buy four yeah yeah and take two in my room and I had like a black and white TV in my room like oh I could eat 20 of these then I would just tell him on sunday I want 20 and he'd go wow you gotta give me a premium done and I'll give you extra food from the kitchen done plimo I'd get 20 fucking 20 oh they were little yeah they were

the little ones but they were they were my bro these people were perfect and the black dude that was my goomba was a young Crip and he's his girlfriend's each he had seven different freaks Jesus he had seven women on his payroll ladies and gentlemen okay ladies and gentlemen seven women and they only had his babies this was way before baby mama was even discussed they were his bitches and all of them each had a Subaru or this or that or this and each had his kids and he would make all of them bring them church's chicken Popeye's chicken and nutter butters like a motherfucker so he would see me and hit me on the side of go Cuba I'm stocked up on another butters nigga slowing by and I would go into like his little ghetto little trailer and I would go into his room

we'd sit there watch TV listen to that we listen to it too short really and eat another butters fucking tremendous tremendous tremendous that's not what they make it out to be like no because it's once you go the way you go you have to get along yeah if not if you fuck up Lee you fucking up for everybody so the shit they show you in the movies is a lot of controversy at times sometimes you go to those places and they're peaceful as fuck because they don't want they they have certain liberties can you imagine being in this room for 24 fucking hours per month well and it's not even this room cut it off at that camera right there your toilet's right here with a black and white tv a little bed with 10 a picture your cat and you do push-ups and sit-ups

and fuck it upside down lips you think that's exciting no no that sounds horrible man and you have the racial groups and the racial groups stick together and guess what I was not involved in drugs in there I knew some white dudes that had acid that's it because they drug tested and did you have to run with a racial group you have to run with this man no I ran through the way I've run through my life yeah I know everybody yeah I don't know nobody but I don't I know everybody I know Tom's a girl and he's this I'm friends with Lee and he's Jewish that's never really affected me yeah sure do I go and do I get excited around my Spanish roots yes I do sometimes I'm around my Spanish roots I really get excited you know just it brings me back sure it brings

your footing back as they say I think that's one of it's like it's the one of the things I get a kick out of that show the narco show in season three is that it's Colombian but they speak like really similar to Peruvian Spanish so it's part of the reason like I love the show is that they speak that specific style slang all that gets me like fired up the guy in new york is my favorite oh that guy do you know that he's fucking uh brazilian or portuguese the the new york um columbian guy yeah he learned Spanish for that he speaks portuguese so is uh so was the guy who played Pablo yeah but the guy that the new york guy his Spanish was unbelievable phenomenal the the guy that played Pablo was terrible and they got better the second season it was horrible that

dude was fucking really good really enjoy those Spanish shows I listened I watched all 80 episodes of Celia did you really as cheesy as it got at some points yeah because you download them and watch them on a plane yeah on a plane is really the only place where you can focus on a movie and really catch you check out little flaws and shit like that you're still traveling a lot who me yeah yeah but it's winding down thank god this year was heavy travel man really heavy but like i'm happy that i'm almost done i won't even travel heavy for 10 years yeah 10 years of steady traveling a lot it already it already wears on me man like it's already like i'm i'm trying to think of like i already figured out what i fucked up this year to try to do differently next time i'm heavily touring

you know i still remember 98 to 2000 i pretty much lived on the road yeah i didn't have an appointment here at a p.o box i had all my checks sent to josh wolf's house did you really and whatever clothes i would wear i would send i would buy new clothes every two or three weeks from different cities and send the old clothes home to josh wolf's and he would that was the craziest ever i didn't you guys have history man this is this was 98 99 even 99 2000 i left november of 99 and i came back april 2000 yeah 2006 months without being home in those days no that's fucking unbearable that's feature act go headlining headliner that's it wherever whatever snow ties are a must bitch oh seven i did like man like close to 40 weeks of feature work and i just racked up that dude

like just because i knew there's no other way to no i did i did listen i did five years of feature act feature work and i enjoyed i don't give a fuck what i did it was blast man i got good i got really good and i learned rooms i bombed i bombed a lot as a feature did you yeah came picture it with you it took a while it took me were you dirty because like you're dirty but like it's your it's not dirty for the sake of dirty it feels genuine no no no at that time i was pushing like but were you dirty yes you were dirty middle act uh yeah from 95 on i was edgy a little dirty a little topical nothing personal that's where the economy that's where the economy wasn't it really wasn't there there was nothing personal and then once i moved to seattle that open mic opened me up a little bit

but it was a company store that really late night if you really really want to get good go there 1230 fuck 1230 six nights a week for two months you'll come up with shit you never thought you had in you really i keep hearing people say that i mean for me it was i think i would i think if i did get the special i would just tell i had a midnight tuesday through saturday tuesday through friday that's when you'd want to run it no that's when i want to work work it out work that's work and that's really it's or work it's different work it's a different thing going to an open mic these people pay so you still gotta throw a little bit of heat yeah but you get put yourself in a weird situation where those little jabs you throw three little short jabs and one of them is really

good so you got something out of the night yeah the economy store workout you know that that thing that bro he doesn't stop that single guy stuff you know walking the door at 2am yeah three nights a week that's fucking heavy if i gotta get up and eat with the girls oh my god i'm done that means at 11 o'clock i'm fucking spending jack i can't even sit down you know yeah but that's a spot that really opens you up that 11 45 midnight following somebody who just did heat yeah and you gotta go up there your development area sure your mind will really race real quick you know it's just having to stamina to fucking stay out till 12 what do you do yeah it's a young man's game for young man's game you go to the lab factory you do a 945 we do a 1015 at the improv and you close

out the store for six weeks yeah you're unstoppable and the midwest doesn't see your material near the d's coast so what you don't do everybody mellows until the fucking summertime it just makes sense care when i was at the store i was just fucking around and and she just goes no well you want to get paid i don't want to die just i'm the last guy and you do this like on a week weeknight Thursday through saturday just let me come in and close it out close it out it doesn't matter what time would you go in 10 30 it just run a half hour 20 minutes yeah you know 20 minutes 20 minutes in front of a different type of audience yeah it's a it's it's another great training thing is again when i single you

want to come up with a great half hour great 45 minutes go to new york and do midnight shows midnight to two baby boy yeah four five you know three sets baby boy you do three of those 12 to two that's what fucking arie's done he moved there and starts did i talked to him like we he's up doing like six spots some nights but see you gotta understand i used to play fucking tennis with dungstand hope and mitch headberg tennis with them when i first moved here the hot thing was to go to gorky park and fountain and vista down there there's a park now they've redone and cleaned up but when we moved there that was you could buy a nickel bag down there you could buy 20 on a bag of weed on the other side by the by the benches we used to go there and play tennis

and i'll never forget one day mitch headberg on you know i'm thinking of moving to new york and i go i think that's a great fucking idea and he goes well i go because everybody in new york's like me and you know like you don't even know the moral of this fucking story i'm looking at liya liya so fucking how deep are you right now how many no i'm just we need two things that's 400 milligrams couple stars of death li's about to eat one two i'm okay i think we're so are you ripped in half though i'm i'm not ripped in half i'm ripped uh he's in training listen we call it training yet you call it training you guys do i told what would you guys call it sober october yeah sober october we do year round 24 seven that's how you think that would be

fucking horrific to try what's that sober sober for a month or would it be yeah for you at this point i'm looking i'm the type of guy i don't like talking about it yeah you just for three days you yell at people yeah call everybody a motherfucker yeah and then one day you're like jesus christ you know maybe uh i could do this and you go for seven days oh but you're saying like under the rate like don't make it a big thing yeah yeah nobody needs no i hear you you know uh i go to you know when i go to jiu-jitsu you gotta put that robe on yeah if you put that in your bag and it's wet you know if you're fucking uh me undies are wet you sweat that thc out you know i'm saying that shit which is important in my age it's important when you get older just to be a little mobile and

yeah whatever what the fuck are we talking about i don't know rich head bird moving in new york tennis spots oh it's that's what it was doing uh midnight spots so that's what arie's doing and uh oh that's what it was yeah when arie talks to me about moving to new york listen arie has always been a night out yeah there are some people who that's their game and don't fuck i have a friend i grew up with knock on his door two in the morning it's a parade it's like fucking eight in the morning for some people yeah there's four feet he's cooking the steak yeah you're like what are you gonna sound like yeah i have a friend when i grew up with him if you knock on his door at one you're not gonna get him you're not gonna have him because he wouldn't even turn

the light off till seven in the morning what yeah like he was one of those guys if you ever hung with one of those guys dead tremendous like all going all night he would whatever my roommate my roommate in college this kid would be up all night and then go to class and play football and i'd be like how aren't you exhausted because i don't need that much sleep man i don't need that much sleep and he would just i mean i would i'd get up to take a piss i'm talking i'm in school and i'm staying up room you know kind of late like past midnight but i could take a piss at four in the morning lights are on music's on in his room he's just like just fucking hanging out you know just like that's how that's how he would just go through and then go to class had a girlfriend played

football he just he he would sell to us that he needed very little sleep i don't understand how you do it i don't know how you operate man and like he was a fully functioning like not a not a not somebody here like this guy's not all there he just didn't need it he just he could just run on these fumes and it didn't really catch up with him i never understood it when i went home every time i go home i see this guy if i have blood in this world he's one of those guys i love him like a brother for 30 years you couldn't figure him out but i learned at an early age just to let people be themselves right like i always had that i don't know why i remember my goal to drink beers with these guys and these guys would be bitching about this guy and i go how has it hurt any well because

you know he's supposed this guy was 2021 he lived in his no well he was about 15 i met him yeah and we became friends probably family he had fucking three brothers and three sisters bro in the house and one day i'm talking to him about something he goes hey you got 10 minutes come let me show you something and we fucking walked through a back of his house and we moved some shit and we opened up a door and he goes look at this and he goes what do you think like i don't i don't know what are you talking about at that time my mother died i thought he was suggesting i move in that it was just a blank space with fucking my shit all everywhere and he goes i'm thinking of building this and moving down here i worked at a lumber yard at the time so i had access

to wood paneling carpeting the whole thing we measured it and one day i told him to get a fucking city truck and he fucking came down we loaded everything everything he needed from a to z from fucking lighting to build to build his the first original man cave 1980 okay everything was brand new he bought couches he bought a fucking glass piece you could snore coke he bought a tv which he built into the wall he had a reel to reel he had tremendous speakers at this time he worked on the sporting goods and at night he worked at the local deli from six to ten loading the liquor and registering and shit and the guy who owned the place was a fucking baboots so if you went over to the court at the time he'd get in the car you know he was always ready to go this guy but there

was three or four nights a week and he wasn't ready to go and he would take his mother's car and go somewhere and you would you knock on his door 11 he wouldn't be home and then you go back like about 130 and you could see his light on and you knock on the glass they go go go to the back and he let you in he had let him in on and he went where did you go to that i was looking for your dog i went to this place you're hungry i got steak upstairs and he would go upstairs and slice up snake steak and he would roll the joint and we'd fucking eat the steak and roll the joint and we smoked the joint and we'd watch whatever the comedian was on letterman but we both loved like he turned me on the letterman yeah and then after letterman we put the reel to reel on and we listened to

Judas Priest and i'd sit there with him till three in the morning and then the next day i'd be at the hash ways the deli and somebody would tell me how they dropped mike off and ate in the morning and i'm like how did you drop them off and ate we stopped by his house at 3 30 he said you had just left we got his shirt we went over to the city you went over to the rooftop don't fade in the morning we did a bag of blow like he had that type of lifestyle you know he was just a night out yeah i love i love night time i love listening i adore it you work in real not reality but tv post production yeah i had night jobs from our first couple years here i lied i did i did graveyard trips a few times oh it's it's terrible but it's it's a great way

to experience it like there's no there's usually no traffic unless they close the 405 but i like night time i don't know it's just i've always i've always liked being up late i hate i don't know i don't i don't i don't like being up early yeah i like i was i was a definitely late night dude i always i mean now it's shifted i get up early man so i had to shift but for yeah for a long time i was always up always up late you know and i was always late because i snorted coke well i always be up early tip top my goon now i was never that guy before okay no i love to get up early yeah i know you you you're like let's get the day started let's fucking but here's the thing i love doing comedy on the road yeah but i'll tell you what my favorite thing is why why

why what do you think it is like your favorite thing about being on the road is sleeping no why what do you think it is uninterrupted work time friday night it was a time where i was going on the road and i couldn't wait to get off stage so i go to the room and snort coke and maybe it waits as i come over but now i jerk myself off right okay now friday night means that whatever i got for lunch i only eat half of it and i put in the refrigerator in the room and friday nights after shows i love these people that invite you to do shit on saturday and you're like i'll tell you what i'll call you in the morning and let you know when the back of your head you're going back to the room worst case scenario i'm watching the

law and order till four a.m. yeah i'm watching three law and orders that's how i'm rolling tonight i'm gonna go back to my room i'm gonna take a shower after the second show switching to my little sporting pajamas my little sweatpants and my little hooded fucking sweatshirt i go outside i smoke that fucking number as i'm passing through the hall i get an extra bottle of water i'm not gonna lie to you there's some other butters the little pack the little six pack i take a six pack up there i eat whatever snack i have and i love having no responsibility yeah okay yeah there is nothing better to me than having no responsibility on friday night that if i go to bed at five in the morning it doesn't matter right i'll get up at nine i'm gonna

upstairs and i get that free breakfast i'll get two pieces of white bread with scrambled eggs bacon i got a cup of oatmeal i get coffee and i'll go upstairs i'll watch another episode of something that i'll sleep till two thirty that's me all day yeah get up drink another curry in your room yep it's saturday right get up a little bit go over your notes yeah maybe walk down the corner maybe there's uh jersey mics it's gonna take you 15 minutes yeah you're back to your room you're smoking two tuts you're back you take a shower and guess what it's six thirty it's time to go even do your two shows on saturday night and you're not responsible that's true i don't like being responding when people and you you feel bad when people invite you on saturday well we're having

a little get together listen if i wake up i call you can i tell you what i hate the most on the road when anybody basically anybody asked me to do anything like i hate when people are like hey you know you're in town uh do you want to come over to our house like on whatever day thursday friday saturday i'm like no do you want to go check out this uh museum i'm like no dude like for me on the road i like keeping my whole life within like a eight block radius of the hotel so even if somebody says like let's get together and have lunch i'm like all right do it near where i'm staying like don't make me go far don't make me do an adventure today drive out to your fucking farm or what like just let me stay around where i want to be and i like to do

low energy necessary things i don't like people asking me to do too much you know all that fucking drains me like psychologically mentally well here's i know you just don't look remind me of lucy k why because you're looking like from the side i don't know if you're playing with your dick there i don't give a fuck if you play with your dick i would never doubt that i wouldn't want i'm not that type of rap people have bad days you know what i'm saying yeah dude i've had a lot of people grab my dick i never complain one time no i know i know facts to have a long you know it's a long week for a fact they grab your dick but you know they just gonna squeeze the dick they put on tender all week and there's no facts available they want to grab your little

stomach you know one time and squeeze it what are you gonna do you're gonna be mad at them let it go say a prayer yeah it's uh here's the big thing that's and i want to break it down for tom a little bit because uh if tom was on the road with dave chappelle yeah okay and you're doing 3 000 seat theaters yeah tom knows that he's blessed for being on the tour tom understands that uh not a lot of comics have this opportunity maybe dave chappelle goes i'm taking you out for the whole year because yeah three weekends a month you know a theater on thursday one on friday one on saturday and kind of the second show yeah you know what i'm saying yeah and you're doing 20 in each one a comic like you and i that we've always been grounded because since day one and i know you want some comedy thing i

want on tour and shit yeah you at least been grounded you've never pulled me aside and say hey guess what last time i did houston i sold more beer than joe rogan yeah you know those fucking morons yeah so oh yeah lee there's a bunch of those more why does that even matter because in their mind do you have no idea what some comedians think so you've always been very grounded what the fuck we're talking about it we were talking about oh oh so so you said you said you want your howl and your feature for dave chappelle right you're doing 20 minutes okay it matters but it doesn't matter matters what that i'm doing it his show it matters that you're doing his show but in reality it doesn't matter right i agree with that you then see dave chappelle they're paying

62 50 you know and then at least you know this going in yeah but my point is you're in san francisco with dave chappelle if joey deas is a feature act that you know through joe rogan and he says to you hey dog where you stand and you're like i'm at the four seasons i don't even know if there's four seasons in san francisco they're i'm like listen i'm four blocks away bro my mother's cooking Cuban food yeah i'll pick you up at one to have you back in the hotel by three you have to do that because you're a feature act they only want you for 20 minutes yeah that's true even if you come over smoke a joint and go back and take a nap and wake up half high it might even help you out a little bit you won't be so fucking nervous you're in front of 4 000 fucking people yeah but that's

a complete different story you don't you're not supporting christine yeah you're not supporting a child that's totally you're not putting you that's one thing i want people to understand so you have time to walk the fisherman's worth and look at chinese people giving foot rubs and you have time to go to columbus and go to the track but there becomes a difference now there becomes a difference where instead of going as a feature act people are now paying harder and money 22 50 to 27 dollars to 35 to see you right so what does tom suger would do all day he spends his day at the fucking museum with the kid then he meets joey deas for snapper 45 minutes away but at timeshow time comes how good is fucking tom suger gonna be right tom tell me the truth

there's a man yeah no you're right comic how at seven o'clock you're gonna go fuck that traffic from deas's house oh right christine i'm sorry to bother you can you make a curcuring make a double with sugar you know and the first show is over and and in your mind you can't even wait you're pissed at your agent even asking about the second show you're not gonna do a fucking second show and you do a second show and you know what man that whole afternoon because you tried to be a nice person and go to joey deas's house or lisa yats house just ruin your night's performance because you weren't on your red game right and guess who told me about that shit Marilyn martinez told me about that on game day now when you're a headliner it's a different day that's totally true it's about

tom segura he wakes up he eats his breakfast he reads his paper he calls his wife he talks to the baby the sky i got you disney at the fucking airport you turn it off uh above what's the mood ben afleck with him in the six jerk offs go to the moon to save the asteroid oh yeah i'm again it's on t&t guess what tom segura watches it and does his off till about two three in the afternoon you nailed it then at two thirty you wake up you go over your material and you know what because you're tom segura you go to the gym and you do 35 on the elliptical you do 25 push-ups and you do curls and you do stretching and now you feel tremendous feel great you know what let's be honest tom segura ain't going out for peanuts so you got an option you can walk

downstairs take an elevator walk down to the corner take an uber go to a restaurant have ten people come up to ask you for pictures or you can open up the room service you eliminate the charge in your mind this is the piece of this is what you pay for for peace of mind you get the chicken breast cover the mushrooms or whatever the fuck they got that looks good you eat it in your room you don't even have to leave your room they come you bring it that's what i do now and that saves me the book is the most important thing in your world there's those two shows it's not going to meet these uncles got a museum an hour from here yeah exactly i don't even know what in my mind i always plan about going to jujitsu school i call every town before i go and they or there's great

guys that have offered me their gyms i don't want to leave the hometown no that's i'm so saying if you do too is not walking distance i don't want life to occur around the ground that's how easy when it comes to comedy on sunday you want to get to the airport 25 minutes you drink a protein shake on the way there you take your vitamins once you're there you pray to god something's open right yeah you pay everything you can to cut through the express lane have you have you joined clear yeah the best clear and tsa tsa rejected me but after a while they haven't given me tsa because they know the fuck they're dealing with you know what the thing is if you do if you're clear and tsa i mean i didn't know until i sign up so i sign up for clear and then they go oh you're pre-checked

they go yeah they walk you to the front so like now tsa will have a line they walk you to the front of the tsa line and then the clear agent tells the tsa oh yeah he's he's tsa it's a party and he just goes yeah and then they just walk you right to the fucking security it's a party lisa yeah clear out of aliax now clear i don't find that clear listen listen i put my two fingers down and i put my eyes in there's a picture me come up yeah the first thought i think about is living like a doctor yeah and like i always put a five in the chick's hand you do listen out of respect who does that for you who does that for you i mean he just looked at me the last two times both the chick looked at me halfway like nobody's ever done done me a tip that's because from now on clear's gonna

get popular and there's gonna be a bunch of white type people here but you know see me and there's always a $10 bill in my hand i'm gonna give it to you with the id because she walks you away like excuse me excuse me it's like nothing you could ever do in your life excuse me to go to the bank and just get a bunch of fives or something like this oh yeah no you have to go prepare it always you stop and get a hundred and tens excuse me excuse me excuse me and dog somebody could be ready to put their box on it she's like excuse me she takes the boxes out for you even helps you with your jacket yeah thank you mr. d and see you next time you feel like a half a month oh man you just cut through 20 people who've been waiting there they're suffering

we're totally better cuts like us that is the best when they just look at you like what the fuck just happened i want to be around to pick up the pieces just tell me about it when somebody breaks your heart some somebody twice as smart as i yes he's torn with lady gaga right what i think he was at least what he's torn with lady gaga bro this song came out the day i was born i'm 54

the uh last time i left your podcast i downloaded the linard uh saturday night uh what was it no no saturday fucking whatever it's called the linard skinning song right saturday night this is saturday night yeah yeah yeah it's not that special yeah saturday special because you were talking about that um and this shit is that's uh that's a beautiful song man tony bennett i'm gonna download it too no i dropped knowledge on my i know you do 100 percent it's funny we used to have a bar this was my mom walked into the bar she turned the alarm off she turned the lights on she'd go behind the bar she put the water on put soap in so the water would start getting ready you know she turned the lights on the back

and the first thing she did was turn the jukebox on and then she would take quarters and if these quarters what she did what i did as a kid sometimes she'd go take a roll of quarters and put red shoe polish on it red nail polish and that meant there was a whole quarter so the jukebox guy would give her those quarters back oh okay it's just like i'm putting my own quarters in here so if you pick up a quarter this 1974 and it's got a red fucking uh nail polish on that's one of my mom's quarters that's wild dude somebody sent me a picture years ago when i was doing beauty to be somebody sent me a picture it's still out there of those quarters of those quarters it's fucking crazy did she like tony Bennett she liked this song because my dad someone heard

my dad i don't know what it was so the first song she always played was this little jam you know what i'm saying so so tom do you mess with people with spanish because people don't think you speak spanish or no not not intentionally usually it's just somebody would say something and then i would respond and they go oh like you know so doesn't happen that often i mean it happens but it's not like you know what'll happen is like you know the guy'll come to my house and start talking to another guy about work he's doing something on my house and then as that conversation goes on i'll jump in in spanish and then they're like oh then they kind of like stand up a little bit straighter like we can't talk behind his back you know that kind of thing how's it going teaching your son spanish

it's going great i mean you know he's two so he uh he speaks he speaks uh he understands english and spanish right now and he's i mean he says a few more english words but he says a lot of spanish words that's pretty cool yeah it's definitely cool does mercy speak spanish no but she knows what the fuck i'm saying yeah she knows what the fuck i'm saying it's uh and i know she knows what the fuck i'm saying because she uh responds to it in number two i played the same game at that age when i can you know when you're uh when you come from another country you want to uh fit in yeah i didn't want to speak spanish no more so my mom cut me a deal in the house you could speak spanish but up there you gotta speak english

but then i started getting cocky and i'm like i'm not even speaking spanish in the fucking house how you like me now bitch so she was like oh baby so from now on when you ask me for something i don't know not me either so if you want money for sneakers or a gun they gotta ask me this Spanish but she made you keep saying it so i'm very proud of that thing that she made me keep speaking yeah she wouldn't respond to me unless i spoke to her in spanish wow but when you got here how were you when you got to the to jersey when i was three maybe two and at that point definitely only spoke spanish for sure yes yes and i spoke spanish a majority of that

you know at the bar they spoke spanish it was all spanish bar pretty much you know but the people who in there spoke spanish you know and they spoke to me in spanish yeah what are you thinking thinking about what like what are your thoughts what language are they in what language are you in your thoughts he wants to know what language you think in like do you think your thoughts in english or spanish or both i have a lot of thoughts i have a lot of worlds that i laugh at you know i'm saying like i have one of the coldest stories you know i came from a society that uh i spoke spanish up to about 72 and then from 73 to 79 to my mother died it became a thing called spanglish right everybody spoke spanglish very funny very

very uh hilarious the words that they chose yeah to pick uh you know and i think and i was goofing you today with the lucy k thing yeah uh there was a guy when i was growing up that was not a comedian he was a bookmaker they would jerk off a lot no anyhow not my mother's bar and he was there he was one of these guys that got a job years ago and claimed disability and after that he paid the doctor percentage to claim him on disability and he collected a check plus unemployment those days it was a scam yeah so you got an employment oh yeah it was going to doctor be six months give him next to 300 and he kept your fucking disabled from those days and the doctor would come to my mother's bar so it was just a paternal scan that went on

and then he would go back to work for six months but in the winter so in the summer they lay him off so he'd be there taking baseball bats but anyway he was just one of those guys who was a fixed trip my mother's bar he would get there attend and sit at the bar and make some calls and walk to the corner then he'd come back he'll not want to say busy thought he would start off with beers till about lunchtime then about after lunch then he'd start with the hard stuff but at 501 he was home and I grew in love with the fact that the night before I did Gotham for the New York comedy festival I got together with some friends at a bar called bar one in north bergen my high school teacher bar he was my seventh grade teacher's bar and a kid showed up Dean

LaPreet and he brought up this guy Arnardo because he this kid Dean LaPreet I know him so long that he went to my mother's bar and one day we were playing with football and we tried to cut the bat open to put rocks in it the tape it up to make the bat heavy yeah so you get the bar go the ball would go false sure and I cut my thumb right there and the scar is still right there I cut it with the knife I had a couple lemons with and he goes what have happened to that guy and I go you know man I've gone through Facebook looking for his kids Google I feel lucky I never traced his kids back not one of them he had two daughters and a gay son and in the 70s if you were Cuban you had a gay son it was something that was taboo you know yeah I loved him the same he said some of the funniest

fucking things I ever heard in my life in fact I said one of them today to somebody like we were talking on the bar one time I must have been 17 in conversation you know and we were talking about dicks or something like he he would always ask me like what's going on with you with that skinny chick you're fucking me yet like what yeah like you know like yeah like he wasn't my uncle but he was unofficially my uncle sure and I really liked him he had kids his wife was called like a Ega there's a different part of Cuba and they cooked tremendous she used to cook and send food to the bar so we're like a family but he would always ask like one time I used to drive up this girl so drove my mother crazy so I used to lock my door so my mother

made him get a ladder and put it against the side of the house while I was dry humping New Yorker and he made him go up and I kind of heard something on the side of the I kind of heard something and finally through the air conditioner I heard the ladder fall and him fall and he slipped he broke like his ankle and I go back then he I what are we doing oh we were fixing the air conditioner like he was just a solid dude like I like him but he told me two things one time one time we were in conversation and he was talking to me he goes what are you crazy or what he goes out of the fact it sucked my dick one time with an ice cube in his mouth he goes the hell I woke up like an eagle and he was dead serious and what he said was he let him like who's just talking

he was just talking like I'm like 16 it sounded romantic yeah and there was like a fag at the bar you know like hanging out and he was like look at that fag over there and you know like and also he's like they ever tell you the story by the time all the facts like my dick with an ice cube in his mouth I'm like no you did not no you did not say that to me and he looks at me he goes at this he goes his mouth was cold it felt tremendous and I just fucking but then another time we see his mouth was cold that sounds terrible but in Spanish yeah he goes oh yeah male my mother male my mom that's all but they don't have a girlfriend look at another time I had already I was about 18 and I was bartending I was still in high school

and I would bartend one afternoon shift and all my friends were there we were all smoking dope and drinking and he like I said he would hang out every day till five times ago and like a week before that my friends got him high he was talking about smoking dope and they rolled the big bamboo and they got him fucked up he was on the table just laying there and the next day he called me he's like what was in there because I don't remember walking home I mean he he was just a funny dude yeah so I had a friend called Darren Regal who was a bodybuilder steroid fucking nut cocaine solid dude solid you would love to talk together you know my I hang out with his cousin his cousin always says you know what's crazy cocoa right now Darren would be in California with you I know that

for a fact and by now he was my three people he would have been my personal Mike Tyson Darren did not fuck around especially after 80 when that white pilot came around he became is he not around anymore no he died before he died he had gotten arrested for attempted murder I knew I knew him all my life he was my brother but he saw his mother got cancer and died in front of her he never recovered from that Tom's a girl when you see your mom one day she's healthy the next day you know you gotta pick her up and put in the bathtub that affects you a certain way and he already had they had gotten divorced that's what it was the divorce triggered it and the mom with the cancer put the fucking and 80 this was it this was the answer there was no other answer

there was no let's hold hands and say a prayer yeah the answer was let's go snort a fucking able and then he added decker to the fucking mix and now the juice the contest the cocaine the whole thing there's an interesting story that the guy almost got me one night and I grew up with this dude let's just name his name was Tommy and when that I asked the guy because I think it was a cokehead I don't tell anybody anything he goes yeah what do you want I want like a g-bonus on he goes give me 100 bucks I said you got an onion he goes no I gotta call the guy we'll go we'll call the guy he goes no no no no you gotta call the guy you gotta give me the money and I've outside and wait for him you know what Tom's a girl I know you a long time yeah I'm not just giving

your yardstick call the dude this one under 10 minutes I finally act I said forget about it and I looked at him like I know you're a long time if you're gonna beat me just tell me well a year later I hear the story same thing but he did to my friend rago he took the money rago didn't play rago went to his house the next morning knocking the door you know when you know when people have glass squares by the door yeah curtains in front of yeah rago just put his hand through one of them opened the door and let him in he ran and Darren Darren punched him he went through the table it did a table Darren pulled the leg and started hitting him in the head with it cops came Darren got arrested for a

10th and murder he was out on bail when he died that's a true story Darren was ready to start fucking I saw him pick up a dude one time and throw him over a fence in front of a vfw another time me and him couldn't get coke there was a fucking snow storm I told me the story we couldn't get cocaine and we were sitting at a bar called Joe and Mary's and this is the bar yeah we're facing this way that's where the tv is that's where the pool table is but there's a window here and me and him have our drinks here and we're looking out the window at the fucking six inches of snow and how cars are on out and we're praying for this coke dealer to get here there was no coke on Thursday because of the blizzard there's no coke on friday because of

the blizzard and now this saturday and that's still not coke the george washington bridges clothes jack unless you got a canoe you're not getting into the city so we had one guy who kept saying man I don't know my car might get stuck this three feet of snow out there couldn't even get the newspaper in those days fuck me and this guy who's sitting there I told Lou I told Louie that I told the christ killer this was sitting there and he's fuming there and we look and there's a guy minding his business cross-country skiing like wait I said whoa whoa whoa like like this is new jersey this is bergen line avenue like you want to go skiing together the mountain yeah right this guy's out there like this is a lucky day he's doing exercise now I know about cross-country

skiing because I was living in colorado for a while yeah and people would do it there were people who were like fucking half retarded like you go down the hill no you want to fucking pull yourself here's this poor bastard I'll never forget this pulling himself down the fucking bergen line avenue bergen line is like broadway in fucking new york city yes but there's no traffic but this guy's going down darin looks at this guy and he goes look at this fucking guy and he goes he looks at me goes let's just fuck him up and next thing you know he just pushed me and he's trying to chasing the guy down I'll never forget this the guys pulling himself like you know second like a darvis day so yeah and darin just tackled them and started hitting them with the skis it was crazy and

it's still like eight of us were out there kicking them it was like a scene from the sopranos then we dragged him this guy had no idea what the fuck was going on nothing we drew all fucking pissed pissed and then we brought him and we put him over the vfw offense and we threw the skis back then he's back there moaning growing and we're like fuck you nobody skis I'm bringing like that we went back in the bar and guess who shows up the coke dealer the coke dealer shows up oh my god oh my god everybody's fucking buying blow everybody's ordering doubles we're fucking snorting we're having a great time oh my god and all of a sudden it's a quarter three and there's police cars everywhere

and we look at them you don't think they're good to go home after after doing that three am the bars closed it's 10 to 3 we're all fucking gizilled yeah the whole if there's 20 people at the bar 16 and then their jaws are gone yeah telling stories about the war and god knows what else all sudden we're like what the fuck everybody please come out with your hands up right so we're like well we hide the coke but I know one of the cops I see one of the cops and I know that if I shake his hand and put some minute I might just be able to slip away because I had like a little extra bend I put it in my hand when I saw him I said hey what's up I put he goes yeah just keep going yeah he goes he's okay with me and he's walking me but as I'm

walking away I'm looking at police car remember the guy we threw over the fence sure he's in the back of the police car and he's just trembling right they got blankets on them they got like a guy with a heater on him he's just fucking trembling classic Jesus Christ you fucking psychos what a great fucking night that was yeah Jesus that was a crazy bar guys when we when we went out to dinner that night I went out to dinner with some friends we brought it up that was about two weeks after we were getting a lot of snowstorms that year yeah and that was about two weeks after we were having a party there on a Saturday night now the owner of the club it was Joe Mary's Joe and Mary were both dead the guy's name was I forget what his name was it really doesn't

matter for the story but in real life the guy was a loan shark yeah the guy was a mob loan shark was he in the mob I did not say that I said he was a mob loan shark how do I know because he to borrow money from him you gotta go to a bank he would get you a check but you have to cash with a certain bank and that's how he got his percentage he was way ahead of the game and this is 80 fucking two so don't come to me with no fucking stories you got another one of those that's a little all for you know I don't know if you've been drinking oh yeah well I never forgot fucking it was a Saturday night packed again you know everybody's doing fucking blow who's not eating gorilla biscuits

and I'll never forget a fucking cop came in then the cover cop he's like hey man something like some violation or whatever isn't it the owner's name was George but that was the bar owner's name George he was a little stocky guy you could tell that if you were gonna have a problem this was not the type of guy you he was a bar guy bro yeah he never worked behind the bar he always sat at the bar he bought your drinks you know he spoke to you he was a gentleman but he watched that register and that night this cop came in talking shit and he goes can you do me a favor can you show me bro the bar was 50 deep with all of us in there snorting blow and god knows and he asked the cop in front of everybody at like fucking two in

the morning uh let me see the badger in the cop the cop was like all jovial body with some other guy his backup he showed it to him and George is spinning the guy's badge he goes do me a favor you call your local whatever you tell him you came in here and george is spinning your badge now get the fuck out of my bar that bar fucking froze jack that's when we knew and i knew i was dead because i owed him like fucking eight thousand because i kept borrowing from him i would tell him tom ciger and he's 800 but he's embarrassed i asked him is tom good for it tom this sound i know tom 20 years all right how much can he pay me every week he'll pay you 75 a week tom you didn't even know you had borrowed the money what you were doing and i would pay him

under your name fuck until finally i had to just bail him on everybody she was crazy so they don't he would he come after you he never came after me but when i left to colorado i left for like uh 10 months and when i went back i went back that was my high school bar that was i went back one night i went to the side door and my friends were playing shooting pool and i was at my buddy stinky who also owed him money and i'll never forget we knocked on the side glass and my friends looked up and they're like is george here and they're looking at me like and i'm like is george here and my friend's like what and the one finally when my friend opens up and goes cocoa how you doing i go shh i go to george here and all of a sudden i hear no

george is up here i look up me and stinky and george is listening to the way they goes how are you boys doing it's been a while i go yeah we wanted to see you he goes give me 10 minutes i'll be right down all right we fucking got in that car we took off and i never saw fucking george again you understand oh my god and today it's not joe mary's no more guess what it is what it's jose and maria's mexicans took it over you know what i'm saying fucking christ man your stories give me anxiety they're so vivid i said crazy that was a crazy fucking bar bro you know they were serving us when we were 16 on bergenev on bergen line that i knew they were on 80 streets i might tip up there listen bro we would go up there junior year think about how old you are

10 of us now we're cool you couldn't go up then drink and then like you couldn't tell like everybody like tom yeah there's certain people you can't bring right you can't bring up there this is us here we go we got a couple mugs of beer we get potato chips lee bar potato chips not wise there was no lays there was bar potato chips and we get frank's hot sauce and get a napkin and lay it out and eat potato chips and shoot pool till six like we were tough guys you know what that feels like when you're 16 oh yeah you have the idea lee what type of person you would be no no drugs lee how different would you be today if every day after school you went to a bar shot pool had three or four beers ate a bag of chips and went home and your mom's like how was studying you're like great

and then there would probably be very different at least i had let me explain it to you when i look what you didn't do it no no i did a couple times but the only sorrow i have is that i didn't meet lease i had when i was 16 because right now i sat as this is lee with a weight of 600 pounds two doors down from that bar joe mary's all right a block six blocks to the south of it was the original my loyalty don't cook tonight call chicken delight they were my that's how i became an american hot dogs mcdonald's and chicken delight but up the corner next two doors next to that bar was something else it was like chicken delightful mm-hmm and it was owned by richie sidel little part time bookie his kid had was retired and we were kids they used to get madder off they used to

get madder on 1980 and they used to have time to his bicycle and make him fly off his roof it was hysterical and every weekend he'd have a different babysitter and if he had 10 babysitters i sucked four of their titties because that's where he went the one side of that live and the fuck 11 o'clock hysterical times ago what would you have done with lee sciat if he was if he met him at six i would have lee at 10 o'clock every night right clockwork if you were joe mary's the manager of the chicken place would come over with two buckets of whatever chicken they had left over from the day and they just made the chicken at six lee so for two hours you would just sit there and eat fried chicken and drink fucking mugs of heineken for 65 cents a muggley

how would how would you be you'd be that bar what's the what's the show you fell in love with about boston cheers cheers that's you oh yeah they used to give you for free at this bar joe mary's for free so as you walked in lila was the bartender and for free there was a circle and on that dish you know like when you go to subway and they had like the yeah the dishes of sandwiches for parties no no no this was a circle like that but it was white bread with ham and swiss cheese with a little bit of mayo maybe a nice piece of tomato and they would put them on they'd be like a thousand of these things under a container and if you were drinking you were allowed to pick up the container and eat one and put one back like a little like a normal american yeah

that's what a normal human being does oh my god me and my buddies would destroy those things we would smoke dope go to joe mary's order two mugs of beer a bag of two a chip we just eat every chip on the rack in those days that have chips on the rack we just take every bag of chips and eat every fucking sandwich in there 16 they were served us jesus christ man sounds like fun it's not that it's fun it's just thinking of what how different society was and people knew it tons of people knew it oh dude it was different even when i was uh a teenager we would we would go into bars you know like we would drink people would serve you at their homes at their like if they if you if they knew you weren't one of those just fuck off kids like you know just you weren't

a jerk off people that i knew would serve you in high school and not in like a oh my god you're getting away with something way they were just like you can handle yourself you're fine they give you a drink i had a couple parents friends of parents that were crazy and there was a couple in particular told me you can do whatever you want in my house just don't ever drink in my house can we tell you that couple of friends of parents one in particular said you come on my house you could eat sleep here i just don't ever want to drink in my house i never drink with you i don't want it you know and it was cool oh it was cool i knew he drank and i drank and i'm still friends with this car oh i got you okay you mean like as a kid they would the parents will tell you that

yeah i don't like it you don't like i won't drink in front of mercy yeah i don't want to go home really no from my perspective i know they did to me seeing i know the freedom it gives you you know your parents are your heroes until whatever once they see your heroes drinking it's okay to drink yeah once they see you smoking a cigarette okay to smoke your parents are heroes you know yeah i never thought of it like that actually if they see you doing coke what are the chances that they're going to do coke it's probably a lot higher yeah so are you careful with we then at home or no

very careful and that's why i know that within a year after stuff she watches she watches and she moves around the house like a rust snake you don't even see it coming gotta be very careful with it so you keep like in a private like locked stash that kind of thing i got hidden somewhere hidden somewhere yeah and even if she opens it she can't see it you know it's very hidden she's gonna trip out one day when she learns about weed tolerance man she's gonna lose her mind well you never know you never really know your tenth level with that for sure how you approach things as a parent and you want the best for your kid thompson you know what you get to do blow up pills of course you want the best you know you

want them you know you look at them first you say you want a healthy child then you want a child that fits into society you know through his grammar school years in high school i don't need him to be a high school star or anything i'll take a fucking kid you know what i mean i don't mean anything i mean it would be nice to have a fucking to line back over there penn state as your son see you can smack some bitches you know what i'm saying sling some dick then your little ck looking at you really take your dick out of the fucking penn state theater and say here's the one for joe paterno and his cousin what was his cousin's name the cool clinsky what's the cousin who you talking about the the football coach in penn state that's 211 years sandusky

sandusky fucking crazy man it's nuts it's good to see you always always good to see you brother fresh air it's nice to see you doing well you know your wife is a fucking knock as usual i haven't seen the child i'm excited dude we're gonna have so much fun tomorrow man you're so happy you're coming on your comedy is fucking second ladder now what's the special coming out now it's coming out uh january 12th so this is your fourth netflix special third you're like fucking johnny netflix i don't know man i'm not super happy they let me do another one man honestly i'm just happy listen man you where you wanted to be this is you know we were talking

about touring before and uh and the efforts of being a feature act and a headliner you know you want people to leave there and go they paid money i don't want to take a chance it's like the people go let's go out to dinner at six what and do what talk to you about what for an hour right then they always bring the goofy friend so how is it hanging out with our eatless money business eat your fucking what right why are you bugging me how is it hanging out with our eat your fucking food if you're gonna take me out to dinner ask me a thousand questions yeah i'm not gonna do and that's why before show time i don't want to see nobody that that reminds me i told you okay that reminds me of something you said one time i had no idea what you bet you said

you go black people eat to talk and i go what and you said i'm serious like they go that's right to eat to talk and you said if somebody fucking talks while i'm eating i'm gonna fucking stab him in the neck but you had a whole rant i don't know if you even remember saying this a whole rant about eating to talk it had never heard anything like it in my life drives me fucking crazy he knows the exact trend he knows what you know the exact trend you know you know what's going on where do you know what you're talking about do you know what i'm talking about i don't know that stone to the hills yesterday that i can't believe you're taking new years off yeah i'm a middle-level fucking savage like yourself taking it off i'm scared

i can't lie to you about what new years where are you doing it i'm not if i did new years it would be the eight o'clock show at the ice house in the small room small intimate yeah talk from the heart end of the year review lisa yet playing the drums why don't you try to do that anyways i'm taking the family away oh you are okay going to the nice beach resort up north good for you good for the kids you come back monday morning the first it's like fucking mad max like the apocalypse yeah there's nobody on the 101 yeah i'm gonna go chase a fucking nickel yeah on a night stand i'm chasing you know it was thinking about that when when you first start out Lee you know you you met your mc for a while then you start milling then you start hearing about all this money

you're gonna be paying on new years yeah that's the big thing that i could look you in the face both of you isn't tell you the answer got true i never got paid for big money on new years every fucking club rob me oh i got fucked on a bunch of new year stuff but you did like the the stories about what new years was like was is like uh it was such that's the hottest rumor you know but like it there is some truth to it but people would be like oh you know you just hear like someone's getting like 10 grand or something you're like what they're like yeah new years shit really pops off i remember i meddled once on new years we still did five or six shows but instead of a hundred dollars a show they gave me a hundred fifty a show for the week

because of new years because of new years and uh i thought that was crazy money like at the time i was like wait what i'm not gonna get 600 i'm gonna get like 1100 and they're like yeah i go like holy shit this is so much money like i really thought that was a crazy amount of money that was getting an extra 300 or something um and then a few years later i remember i did a new years gig where the money was like just marginally more and i and i looked at the ticket price they're charging like 85 dollars to go to some of these new year's eve shows and i tried to get you know a little more money i think they they kicked it up like another 250 dollars or something but if you can get uh you can still make crazy you can make crazy money sarin and rob me

two new years to the row who never forget that sarin and i she used to book the buffalo in uh the buffalo funny bone in connection with the miami improv to get into miami you had she threw you into buffalo in january first oh if she didn't like you if you weren't part of the agency well let's say uh joe rogan recommended you yeah she threw you in buffalo first i got two weeks for your time buffalo okay you got miami no no no no no you're going to buffalo first january 8 through the 12th you'll be uh featuring for bingo the clown and then the following week you go to miami and you're going to go for the hypnotist and you're like oh my god i'm quitting this shit yeah and then she robbed me a few times i always got robbed

rogan took care of me all those years you know he gave me a little bit extra listen this is what i feel about new years and i'm gonna be as honest as i can with you i'm with the next guy i like making money i try to make money i've been doing this for 27 years i deserve to make money yeah i ate shit for a lot of years and i got robbed for a lot of years am i crying no it made me the comic i am today but you look at what the clubs charge they want to charge some fucking piece of salmon that they got from katrina left over some fucking guy bought 22 000 orally fucking salmon you know crab legs they want to give you all this shit and hype it up and pay the comic and you know at the end of the day it's just a fucking dumb

fucking show and if you get caught up in the food the whole thing and here's a guy like me telling you right now i'd rather you come see me january 22nd somewhat yeah and it's a lot easier it's a lot painful for you you're gonna sit next to people for a late show that i haven't had a drink yeah in six months i got a puke on your dress i've seen shit on new years evening that you're like i was excited yeah i bombed one time on new years in miami that could that could that was a rough room and not one show but both of them in front of age fellows but i mean death of a thousand dicks tell your worst bomb ever no this is one of the many oh wait one other thing i hate about this new year's pricing is that the last one i did was at a club and i think some of the things

were actually a hundred dollars for like the full yeah no but here's the thing that sucks is that people hit you up and they go you charge a hundred dollars to see you and you have to explain to them that no on that night yeah it's like they're gonna give you a bottle of champagne that's gonna give you a headache for three days yeah i don't like the grapes they got from noriega and you couldn't explain that to everybody because everybody was saying that and you try to be fair in your mind and you go you know what i would love to do a new year's show like i said it's a sunday night into monday i would really consider an eight o'clock show 200 people tops i would love it if they were able to smoke reefer in there yeah and drink you know and no intermission three comics you're out

there at 9 30 yeah listen you don't want no pictures get the fuck out it's gonna be low end go take pictures for no years and jump up and down no blow just real comedy fans yeah that want to watch a comedy show that's what i like to do but we're gonna we're gonna get that type action sure i like your idea of doing the annex the ice house that's it eight o'clock everybody's home by 9 30 that's a great way to do it i don't want to toast yeah i don't want you out at midnight i really don't want you out at midnight i really don't want you driving at 1 a.m for stupidity unless it's jesus talking why you had a fucking new year's eve stay home by 10 30 you should be home 10 30 and i steak smoke a number get a package i don't give a fucking you get a heroin as long as

you're home by 10 30 shoot never on i don't give a fuck what you do maybe don't get heroin but every minute you stay out over 10 30 you get an average you get hit in the head with a stick yeah getting busted for something who don't do this who's drinking and driving who know who's not puking and once you've done all those new years yeah you're like you know what this is the last one i'm doing yeah no i would i like your idea of doing it in a small room that seems people like yeah let's do the world turn we'll do eight o'clock show can't listen then you find out it's a 10 o'clock show yeah not gonna be down there at 10 o'clock i know it's too late now you know what man as dumb as this sounds i got a family now guess what i'm gonna get grapes i want to get the bottle of wine

my friend sent me that Cuban peanut brittle yeah i got family now let's toast the family i need the money i got to be out there fighting like an animal i knew you see where many of them where we go yeah now i do one then the next day when my leg you got a foot in the half of snow and now we're stuck at the airport fucking hotel for two days leave me alone there's tons of the weeks to work and with you and that venue is not going nowhere and people don't get offended i remember doing new years one year somewhere that's a high level club and they couldn't get the meal on time you know what that's like when the computer goes down on New Year's Evely and people ordered filet mignon but instead they got the piece of salmon that looks like fucking oh it looks like

it's 10 years old and now you got to go up there as the feature act and be funny and while you're on stage they go no i ordered a medium rare you know what that feels like on new year and you're getting fucking 600 for a week for eight shows that's what i got that's 600 for eight fucking shows so i paid my dues on new years i cut my teeth on new years god bless the people who offer me work this year on new years that's my offer and i'm sticking to it it's too late now now i'm leaving on saturday where's the um uh what's your where's your worst bomb do you know which one it is but Jesus Christ there was a period i was just bombing really all the time i wanted a bombing i used to call clubs ahead of time and calling the bomb scale like listen

get ready because i'm gonna bomb tonight no no bro if if when you're a comic in the beginning you have to bomb you have to bomb you have to bomb you have to bomb and you have to bomb and you have to keep bombing and the situation's worsen and it's just like any other fucking situation that you get yourself into that has that has high stakes later on yeah down in the future if you stick with it any of these things any of these dumb things that you become a specialist in doing you have to pay your fucking dues one way or another i don't know what they are but uh i can't describe comedy to you you have to live it i love the people who call you and go hey didn't you say it took you five years to feature yeah it took me nine years you fucking asshole

and you sit there and go watch the beat and this guy gets on the road yeah this guy's gonna get demoted so many times that he's gonna quit right they get demoted leave they go out his features and after the first night the mcs eating their lunch bro and the guy ain't got 22 minutes and he's eating dick people people will change a lot they'll like the night oh yes they will yeah oh no it's brutal you guys it's brewing bro i know a dude that started as a fucking headliner on wednesday and by saturday he was the house he was emceeing and i'm telling you that i swear to my mother's grave that's a true fucking story dawg i got demoted before the show once so like not even due to the show no you did not yeah i showed up and they were like well actually no i got the

email that said hey we booked you to middle but you're gonna emcee and i was like okay and then uh the next email said actually you're just off the show so they they emailed me twice to let me know that i was demoted like the day of the show i'm thinking i'm gonna feature for a weekend like no you're gonna emcee for a weekend and actually you're not gonna do so i got just kicked off the show but i was i did a show i did a weekend one time where i was the emcee and they made the middle and i switched they demoted the were you doing bad or was he doing that good no no the other way around the middle i was emceeing and they told me the middle and the middle to emcee the the middle was doing badly and i was having good sense so they switched us okay one time that was that was

brutal to fucking witness man brutal it's embarrassing it is yeah it's really embarrassing one time i did so good at a feature spot in a florida town that i made the comic quit the headliner jesus through the glass he was so pissed because he at that time i was at the store and i was doing the 1245 spot following paul mooney every night and i had 20 that would bury you you know i'm saying yeah the first 20 were really uh i was at the store you have to follow dice yeah what are you gonna do you know follow dice if you go up to that stage and go let's keep it going for dice what am i gonna do i'm gonna die i don't even know why i came up and you died and after you take 10 of those you go okay i'm not gonna surrender right off the bat yeah i'm gonna give him what he

deserves and i'm gonna attack these motherfuckers and everything i got yeah and that's where you learned that strategy that's why i love people going dog i couldn't follow him because you died before you even got on stage don't give him the limelight thank tom segour for coming on stage and attack him like a fucking pit bull for four minutes until they forget who the fuck tom segour even was don't forget if you attack them hard yeah the first four minutes tom segour don't even exist they won't remember you until the way out oh remember him he was funny too and you're like uh because you attacked him i used to lose the war in my head as a young comic go i can't follow that clean stuff look at all those people with white hair in the audience yeah it's not till i eliminated

that factor i don't want to see the audience i don't give a fuck who they are yeah just go out then do your material because once you start catering and bantering that's where you learn to bomb well that that that chinese that yeah that there goes this can you smell my feet no there goes this set you know like if you go i have a bunch of chinese people want to do a a set about the guy i re-rendered that was chinese there goes that eight minute bit if you don't do that bit you just lost in your head you're totally right do that bit with all the confidence in the world that you have do that bit like if you were in front of 20 white people in fact i want you to turn to them as you do that bit because the more confidence you show the more they're gonna laugh their ass off because

they're chinese they know they can't drive they can have a hard time walking around the airport they all stop at the door at the airport you're gonna hear a really rushing to get to your gate yeah they all stop and look around like it's a what the fuck you look at that move move the fuck this is the end of the exit they want to sit there and look around man this is look at the lighting in here this is a great journey yeah this is a great journey this has been a great journey for a guy like me it's been a great journey for a guy like you definitely what made you get on stage i mean your college educated nice i mean i just i always wanted to perform man that's the truth i just

wanted to be in comedy i didn't think it was gonna be stand-up i really thought i was gonna be like a comedic actor you know like beyond tv being movies like that was the the the thought for me no you've still done tv in movies i mean i've done a you know a couple lines here and there you're interested in the recurring show and taking you off the road for six weeks and just focusing on something two days a week like that's all i ever want yeah that'd be great man listen of course i don't want to be number one i don't want to be the joey dea show yeah i want tom segura to have his own show and i'm the guy that comes in every three episodes to break his balls yeah for five minutes and he loves joey yeah i love joey tristine but everyone's allowing him

to come over here and straighten me out and different you know yeah that's all i wanted to do yeah that's it the neighbor the garbage man yeah for sure i grew up watching good times and all those types of shows there were character driven and it was a guy that came on every two weeks and you were yearning for him but they didn't throw him in your face to save the show i'm not gonna steal the show from tom and christine yeah i'm gonna add flavor one week you know i'm saying something with the kid sure whatever when you stay home you focus on that you eat some fucking water brothers food right why fight yourself and go on the fucking we just work on the set for a couple of days it's not the same money on the road but you focus on that and you get some more

experiences to write off you know there's always something yeah the last five years like i said i got caught up i always love going on the road knife i can get i love going on the road four five weeks at a time by the third week you're just destroying audiences yeah you're just destroying you know you you warm up on thursday night and friday and saturday you get your beat to you and you're just leveling up and if not you learn how to level and you take an old bit and put it in between this bit yeah and middle of it here and lie this one here and next thing you know you it's a great fucking feeling but all this decided that is fuck i've already done the eight week runs and the six week runs and the ten week runs and now i was down to the last year and a

half i've been to the two week a month runs and even that's getting to me a little bit it's wearing on you yeah because sometimes you get that four out of five week thing yeah yeah so you know it's two a month right yeah yeah i know exactly that that's a slick agent move too they're like yeah you're just gonna work you're gonna do weeks every month so you do the last weeks of this one month and the first two weeks the next month you're like oh no more and do that shit no more now i need a time she's growing yeah you know uh you like being home too you're a good in town guy you'd like it it's a good feeling too by the way i'm not saying it in a negative way i'm saying let me tell you something man you live in los angeles you've moved to los angeles for a reason come to me with whatever

reason you may have you moved here for a central reason a square route as they say in math that square route is to walk out of here something somebody something a writer a casting guy whatever the fuck you do if you live in los angeles wherever the fuck you live guess what i want to go to meetings i don't want to be involved what does involvement mean that i got to be fucking jack bruce and i got to be harvey winstein it means that this studio is doing 10 movies a year there's not three rows and three at three of those 10 movies that's your time to tell me something is an intelligent guy that's lived here a long time same thing with all this programming on netflix hulu original programming itunes amazon has original programming not to mention the four

networks there's not six episodes of you you don't see yourself i'm not saying yeah tom segar with a counter i'm saying tom segar with a funny guy in the surgery room yeah you don't do this six episodes for you somewhere for sure man i'm sorry so that would be 10 weeks off the road you wouldn't be making the same money but it would throw you off and give you a little bit more insight and you wouldn't just feel like a piece of meat that you're out there constantly all these agencies were with they just don't have one floor they have five or six floors yeah i call i know i'm not involved in five or six operations but there's three of those floors i can help you with yeah and i want everybody involved instead of like i told you the nelly

story they gave them tv show and uta said when are you crazy so wait a second you're gonna pay him after the executive producer and after the actor and the creator you're gonna give them 150 000 that's what in our pocket what's 10 points 150 000 like what 15 yeah but if you put them on the road like a fucking hooker yeah on friday and saturday let them sing it's getting hot in here yeah they'll take them for you close and you throw water at them and him is a little fucking saint louis fucking buddies jump up and down they fucking they fucking net 250 and yeah t-shirts and merchandise and nelly gives you a hug and a kiss so that's a half a middle of weekend that's fucking 50 000 commission what do you want you want 15 000 50 000 dollar

commission yeah what do you want guys what do you want the best for your client but sometimes you have to control that a little more and go to roles you're here and when you do get the audition you have to prepare you know i can't see anymore those days are gone those days are going in and using the paper part time again when i go to an audition though they really want like the one that went in the last week for the mick mm-hmm i was off bookjack completely i brought it in there to have a base i always bring them in there just to have a starting point did you go for the role of burt yeah yeah burt bellinger yeah were you there too yeah yeah everybody was there everybody was there i saw brian persane i saw two guys the soprano so who was there when you were there

um who was there oh adam ferrara right that's his name i think that's his name wow and um um john daily i think it's his name like the golfer and then uh who else was there a couple of other guys but those those two guys for sure julie ashton she cast yeah all that she cast me in four pilots she's great three tv shows oh man she's really great for you but she's i think she's the best she called me one time in a quarter to six i said i don't know if you can do me this favor there's a pilot called nypd blue 2069 it's three lines it's a co-star if it gets picked up it's recurring because it's a newspaper guy in the corner can you do it can you be a fox in the half hour fuck yeah she took care of me and paid me a little extra had nice lines two lines

i was out of there by 11 o'clock at night i read the pilot had no chance in how i got picked up that wasn't a network in america whatever this thing really oh man not man i like to do a couple movies a year something at least you've done a lot of it though man it's impressive you've done all my mdb is rocking i can't even what's wrong i'm saying like it's impressive man i look at my mdb every six months and i scroll and i cannot believe that i can truly look in the eye and i've told leaders and the people before i thought i would be an extra one time on the tv show really when i got here there was a girl she's still here maybe doing comedy and she was doing extra work and she was telling me how much fun she was doing

she was doing extra sag work on friends so the fuck with her with her friends at home she would put certain objects on the set while the people weren't watching you know what i'm saying yeah like she would put this weed thing in the chair and they would tape with the weed thing and then she'd go take it and hopefully it would make the cut like she was having so much fun she was loving it okay and there was a guy at the store that was very creepy and he would always come up to me and go you they were shooting the titanic and then sonata at the time i think it's in sonata don't fucking yell at me people it wasn't in sonata they were shooting the titanic somewhere from san diego

you know like i'm from san diego and every day they were looking for extras and this guy scam was he took a polaroid of you you paid him 50 bucks and then you went down there stood online like a slave and they gave you $50 for the day if you made it but i did know a guy the guy that opens the elevator he was an extra dog you know this first of sigil check was for opening up the elevator what you don't want to know what like 30 g's no oh my god for opening the door the elevator remember when that's flooding downstairs i just saw him about a month ago he's still here he's a commercial guy and he he had a line or he just yeah when he tells her run in here and he's all scared and shit and she comes in it's flooding and he opens the gate he closes it he pushes the

button he has like a line or two his first check put him right in an apartment got him a little car because i was trying to coke commercial with him after they died coke that was international he's a commercial guy yeah dude your um your resume for acting was nuts because i wasn't getting any love as a comic there was no zero and i didn't deserve any let's be honest let's be strictly honest nobody was touching me but theatrical agents were signing me and commercial people i would walk into any middle-level agency and get fucking signed within minutes in those days it was the big ones that would not touch me they would fucking take my envelope and put me through hell which is what i needed at the time i needed a a gersh theatrically as a character agent yeah

somebody who sent out characters then i did get with the best character comedy guy but by that time he lost it at that time but i was with a chick for a while that was very good my name was nancy hoff and i was turned on to her by a really good manager she's not in anymore or you're just not with her anymore no no no we both moved on but she was somebody that i met with when i was looking for agents my manager took me to like three different agencies where they offered you water and shit and they validated your parking at the time unless you lived here in like 98 2000 you remember highland going up highland think about going up highland yeah past the what's the fucking hard

rock place the rock place over there where terry used to work is it highland or lebré i don't know how do you get on the 101 north anybody you go you go north on highland okay if you pass that place the disney concert hall yeah that hollywood and highland thing there yeah but if you would make that first turn there was a building there that was decapitated it looked like it was about to go down okay wow so this agent christmas week he goes joey we gotta get your pilot my agent that i had that was also very good a black lady my first agent was called the coloring book that was the name of the they were on the water brothers lot and they were black and the one chick was a badass agent and the other was an attorney and the bro they got me a pilot

they closed a nice deal for me they were badass bitches but her and her husband broke out so they left me out there like a hot potato so my agent he showcased me i got in some interest from ca at the time but they were like he's a good character actor but we don't want him comedically at all like at all i don't even tell us he's a comic he's terrible so i'll never forget i met with this big dude who's still around i forget what his name was one of those places where they offered you water and shit at like 10 30 yeah and then at one we met with this other guy i'm wilson boulevard i still remember the building the guy was a greasy fuck just telling me all types of lies you ever sit across and those guys yeah i'm so good you know what

before you came in yeah i looked at your headshot and i saw something oh yeah and i called tarentine i told him tarentine well what's tarentine yeah quinn quinn and these guys will tell you this people they will fucking tell you this like i just got off the phone with quinn and we're really interested in you getting this row and you're sitting there coming in your pants yeah because you're going to syncing out of here pick up 250 this week and your plane ticket is a hundred dollars because you have to sit in the back next to escape convicts from some fucking uh oh my god you have no idea what those freedoms are like uh it's the dude i remember one guy one time was like hey i think i have this thing like you only have to do this is like early on like host this

event like a live event in san diego pays like two grand would you be interested in that and i was like what and this is and then he goes do you have a media kit i don't even know what the fuck that was man so i started to like make shit not knowing how to do it type up and format documents and then i sent it to him and he was i was like you get it he goes yeah yeah i'll hit you right back and then those the guy that like those guys that make big promises like just never hit you back so you just wait on that call call the beginning it's horrible it's horrible it's the worst man they tell you when you send them the stuff and they give you the dates then the dates come and they go with somebody else and you're like what the fuck

and you really need the fucking rep money but time you were fortunate you took what you had you're a funny fucking guy you know you uh you're in a real deal though thanks buddy and that's why where you are today you and this burt that's a tv show that i'm watching this hold on let me give shoutouts we'll do that topic yeah you know fuck out all right man and then we'll go back to prison food because i know you're still very interested look at me on louis c k christian edwards bobbling us you know i love you i know it was a tough thanksgiving i got you cocksucker kevin k robbie danger whatever alex honey match lawn rozenka i love you j bigs over in pittsburgh and sherry robeck

don't forget about me next sunday at the novo downtown la with my man wheel of water how did that come together don't wait what's with the question what are you talking about all of a sudden you wrote a variety and then monday i'm at the observatory in san diego with wheel of walker jr and your uncle joey and then tuesday 12 five we're again at the observatory in san anna tickets are going fast they're fucking cheap 20 hours it's a pussy king man go get that shit he's the pussy king there'll be freaks there if you like fingering motherfuckers this will be your type of night you know i'm saying just walk around with a good like a good jew with vaseline on one finger that's all you need two hands and two fingers of vaseline what finger did you put it on

me i'm a slimy fuck so i put on four fingers you have to catch what you can sometimes you catch them with the hoof the back of the pinky you know go joey how you're working tell me what how did it come together you're doing shows of wheeler i met him twice yeah and we spoke about it and he said he was doing some bigger venues and he wanted to use a comic what did i think and hey i wanted to give him a try that's awesome man that's fucking awesome why not i'm a it's time for comics to start opening up for bands again yeah it's time for comedians to start opening up for ufo and you know dean delray had put something together this year bus tour yeah with uh uh some band and then they realized they couldn't fit the two comics on the bus which jesus christ how old are we now yeah

yeah you're an adult you want to be in a bus fart and your feet you know what i'm saying how old are you now i'm not i want to go to bus tour like i want to be raped you know what i'm saying that's how i want to go to bus i don't even want to go to bus tour you call me up with a bus tour that's what the conversation is i'm a i'm an adult i want a hotel room listen i'll sit in the back of the plane but i don't want no bus no bus i don't i can't sleep with somebody driving really yeah i just can't do unless i'm driving i'm not i don't listen i'm not gonna sit there next to you i know how life is one minute i'm dreaming about getting my dick suck because i expect i'm going off a cliff because the fucking joint is burning on your shirt and what the hell you're like responsible

driver joey who the bus companies yeah yeah yeah i see it all the time like the little retarded chink that died the back of the bus to let them back there from heat exposure pull the little retarded chink you know what i'm talking about what am i just sued this little fucking retarded he every fucking other week there's something with a bus driver getting high texting i don't know that one you know about the little chinese kid that fucking died of heat exposure he was back this weekend don't you people have cnn don't you yeah i just i must have missed that one man what's the what's the future like for thompson girl what do you want brother

i mean right now you got the world by the balls you're doing theaters you're doing well in the theaters i mean you're a great guy you deserve everything you've gotten you're a great writer you know thanks man i don't know dude i i want to keep doing it and i want to i mean i'm trying to develop a show honestly so hoping that that pans out to something and um yeah man i'm trying to make this movie i'm trying to do a couple things you know what the crazy things about tv shows are right now listen you think about your life and you go you know i like to show on that fact because they're not gonna go there every day and break my balls yeah the reason why you get into comics because you don't want a job yeah once a comedian feels like he has a job that's when we

don't respond well that's when the problems start this can never feel like a job if we wanted a job we would have quit this a long time ago i'm taking a nine to five right that's the problem for me i never wanted to feel like a job you still have to get seriously i wanted to feel like when i go to somewhere to do a free set and when i go somewhere on friday and get paid i want the same feeling right i wasn't getting it lately i just want to get on stage and get the fuck off that's lately yeah i want to fall in love with it again do you think time away will do that time ends up you know i'm saying time away going on the set and working and i'm working with a few asshole directors and yeah doing some dumb shit from time to time makes you realize how good you

got in the stand-up world and at the same time you're writing you're writing from a different perspective you know you're writing with a gun to your head pushing jokes that really don't work but they have to work because you're on the road getting 25 dollars a ticket yeah do you follow me yeah i go to flappers monday through thursday i call barb tomorrow i go listen monday through thursday i'm closing the show now i'm gonna charge you who guts i'm not gonna tweet it i'm not gonna do nothing that's your job yeah but i'll be there every night ten thirty to close this show that's my fucking 90 days of training on friday and saturday i'll take it to the battlegrounds you take it to the commie store follow run white and see what you think now bitch yeah see if that

little jokey poo works behind run white that's the way to do it yeah but for you to kill audiences with new jokes in Omaha and then try to go back the next year i don't i just don't want to do it right i try to space it out every 18 months that's the good schedule they don't they hear it again and they've been hearing it now i want to change my whole demeanor i've changed are you with me yeah i've changed you know the the the the jujo used to be funny the eating somebody's monkey used to be funny that these are the this is how Madonna changes everybody changes yeah so you feel that transition yeah and i'm not talking about it i don't even know what the fuck it is right i don't even know you feel it that's all the matters i'm feeling that i want to raise a

daughter yeah so she doesn't run into harvey winesley yeah that's your main goal you know you are your son you have goals for your son right for sure yeah i mean there's so many things you want you know do i want to go up there do people want to hear my political views who the fuck am i i'm a fat fucking fellow yeah and my political views are like fucking uh i'll franken i'm taking a picture grabbing your tits it sucks yeah i'm saying yeah fucking uh they want you to pour out franken that dirty bitch all all of it he's what grabbing butts he's grabbing butts and photo shoots that's him bro you know america's man all of a sudden he's been going you don't think abe lincoln got his dick sucked yeah for sure they all got that dick suck you know they just found out half of these fucking

presidents had fucking uh goomans that were black and they were having three some slaves and shit they were all hip threats yeah yeah where did you see this what you have seen in huh you know i've seen in no you're too busy reading yoke reports on some Thai restaurant you want to go to the century city me i'm looking at shit up look at his eyes look at his eyes there's nothing left whoa so the cd comes out the new special on netflix comes out january 12th yes and it's called disgraceful okay and when does the tour start to support the cd fucking there's no tour plan right now man i plan on being home for a while like this thing's coming out and i'm going to be home for a while you know people understand that after you shoot a special you put so much effort

and thought into it you physically emotionally work out but because of your situation you go you know what i'll go out the following weeks after that yeah and that's just a waste of time that's what i did and that was a waste of time i should have canceled 90 days after that and you watch movies for 90 days yeah the great poor movie told me something once i said to him what do you do when you're stuck writing he goes don't pick up the pan and go get entertained oh really go get entertained and sometimes bro you know what you go to the comedy store and you'll watch the greats marin burr Sebastian yeah have a good time and you'll giggle but sometimes you walk into a coffee shop and you see a beginner and you see their eyes and you see the eyes that you used to have yeah

you know marin burr Sebastian Rogan alive so they're killers yeah they have a certain look in their eyes but it's not have you ever done Tony's thing on Monday night yes yeah when those guys go oh yeah look at their eyes oh yeah it's different you when you look at their eyes you drive home going i remember my eyes go like that yeah when doing five minutes in the belly room home and being like met the world like if this didn't work out tonight i might go home and shoot myself yeah you don't like that and you look at those comics eyes those guys inspire the fuck out of me yeah i love it man i like seeing young comics i really do i love it i like i don't actually love a lot of those uh i don't want to say when people come up to me and go join me yeah go look at this

next comic it's really hot my dick just went soft right i want to get super high i want to sit in the back i'll get a water and i just want to see 10 guys do six minutes a piece and laugh my fucking ass off because i know where they're going i know where they're at yeah i know what they're not thinking about that they haven't even thought about and they're funny it inspires you though right that's why you like it i love it i'm gonna start going back to them i have to yeah because this shit is ruining it's ruined us it's uh you're right we take this i'm proud you said that today thank you for reaffirming my beliefs on uh saturday friday and saturday yeah for me to have a better set i also have to do a little workout definitely and i don't leave there either

i did very happy with the elliptical on this tour probably 98 percent of the shows there was a workout before the show i have to do it now to feel normal feel i like the five to five o'clock thirty five minutes on the elliptical 25 lifting some weights maybe 10 on stretching you go upstairs you call room service you go to dinner you wash your pussy yep you come on the shower you're dressed there's a knock on the door you eat your fucking whatever you wait 15 20 minutes it's time to go that's a perfect fucking knife of it yeah you go there sit there there's an opening act you still got an hour before you go up to food digest you go up on stage nourish tip top magoo it's the best bloods running through your legs how to do it you have a little

edible in you and if people out there if you do stand up you haven't tried the pre-show workout just start easy man do like a like do a casual 30 minute uh walk on a on a fucking treadmill but get out of your room get out of your room it'll make you feel no tv exercising in your room no i want you to get out of your room because you go in your room too much in a room the room starts creeping up on you yeah if you want to walk go for a walk around the neighborhood put a hundred sweatshirt on or go downstairs starting the stamina i never did it yeah and fucking rogan used to do he used to drive me crazy with what the he would call me in hotels and when i go down to the gym you're gonna join me and i'm like i just took a coke not out of my nose from last night

i'm chewing on it and i'm fucking numb as hell and you want to know if i want to meet you in the gym not in a million years he would always do something yeah i would go downstairs towards the ending on you leave him like i was gonna stay and his shirt would always be drenched yeah and he would go up then do a fucking great show and now thursday night i thought i don't have time to go yeah but friday that elliptical you know every place has dumbbells yeah so you do the benching you do the incline you do the bent over rows you do the shrugs you do the curls you do the tricep extensions you do sit-ups push-ups you do the elliptical you listen to side one of fleetwood mac rumors you got your whole thing laid out it's a pleasure to see you you too brother it's a

pleasure to come on we did not discuss parts which is always successful but we'll save it for your show your mom's house tomorrow and we'll save it for the shit of the year that i had last week can't wait don't tell me you say yeah how you feeling my brother you're fucked up you went to vegas you lost money you came back like i'm i'm i'm i'm done with blackjack and i think i've done poker too you're done with both of them poker stunk i'm gonna have to go with someone else then maybe go to a better room they took it so seriously like i'm used to having fun at blackjack and like no one would talk at the table poker oh really son we're playing for keeps it was a 65 dollar tournament you want to do jokes go fucking watch comedians that's what your problem is you went

there haha and they tricked you with that mental fucking toughness and your folder and the pressure which is no problem what's the buy in there 65 65 it wasn't there i was just trying it out yeah it's fun but i like pagao and uh i've been on the Celtics in one so i'm happy you went to vegas and had a good time thank you you needed to get some shit off your fucking chest to drive helped you look better i like driving thanksgiving was great at your house brother where'd you go i had we hosted this year we had friends over we had family again i don't get a call where was yours at the house yeah same thing i called you and he did call me back you you were fucking at the lucy cave looking like contest i thought i'm the lee sciat looking like

isn't that no you're getting handsome uh yeah no so what do you do because are you like the no sugar keto i try to yeah that's that's what yeah you tried that no i haven't that's what i have to do because yeah yeah cut the sugar man change everything i think i'm not a sugar guy you know yeah i don't give a fuck yeah i drink that's a tba shit in my uh my iced tea yeah that should it's a cancer-free one right what's right yeah yeah steve yeah yeah tastes like dick yeah but you're like a little longer yeah the mice just go cross-eyed that's it yeah just go cross-eyed that means somewhere along the line we go cross-eyed no big deal no big deal and that's it right but yeah the tour dates coming up well i got yeah yeah i got phoenix okay december 7th eighth and ninth

stand up live and then i'm doing hawaii i'm doing this uh place in maui on the 14th and the hawaii theater in honolulu on the 16th say hello to bj penne like i said always a pleasure it's great that you're enjoying fatherhood it's awesome yeah thanks for having me man and she's a great mom no i don't have you to kick off fucking this is uh the week after thank you when we ain't fucking around no more lisa yeah i love you cocksucker we'll be back uh wednesday who don't worry about don't ask no fucking questions all right let me just drop it on get nice and easily again like i told you in the beginning of the show holiday season's coming it started this week with the fucking pumpkin pie and the whipped cream and you had a little extra whipped cream we all did and i'm not

gonna throw you in jail for that but like i said if you're trying to eat better the holidays are a minefield between the chocolates the cookies the candy canes it's no fun being left out of deliciousness let nature bark help with snacks that you love that are seriously delicious and better for you the holidays are not always a holiday you got stuff to do people to shop for and cheer to spread you need to keep your body fueled for all the festivities but a lot of the holiday treats are just junk you and i both know that yeah they're delicious but healthy no and throughout the day you know how many calories you eat stopping at this guy's house this guy's house let nature box help with snacks that are better for you and delicious nature box

has over a hundred delicious snacks all snacks are made with high quality simple ingredients this means no artificial colors flavors or sweetness it's easy just go to naturebox.com choose your snacks and nature box will deliver them listen to me right to your door new snacks are added every month inspired by food trends professional chefs and customer feedback all right i told you last week they sent me the beautiful jerky they also have these crackers these salt these sea salt cassava chips that'll make your head spin you understand me the sriracha roasted cashews i can't the whole wheat fig come on guys i'm throwing heat at you over here and there's no risk if you don't like the snack nature box we're replacing for free and like i told you

you're the church your family right now nature box is offering all of you savages you know i love you listen 50 50 50 percent off right now off your first order if you go to naturebox.com slash joey this is what you want in your house for the holidays right now listen i can go on for hours about the snacks it'll kill you we'll be up in three years that's naturebox.com slash joey for 50 off your first order again naturebox.com slash joey for 50 off your order nature box this is the healthy way to go listen the holidays are going to kill you this is the way to go again naturebox.com slash joey what goes up must come down what you put down your throat comes out that muffler yep so i'm feeding you but at the same time i'm keeping that who gots clean because when

you're writing your christmas list to santa this year tell that little son of a bitch that number one he owes you money in number two you want the christmas some clean butt cheeks all year you know you live around with that swamp fucking ass you're gonna blow job with the chicks eyebrows going it's like drinking poop out of vodka you know why her eyebrows looking at you weird because she could tolerate sucking your dick but she knows if she opens up one of your legs it's gonna be like fucking tear gas like this shit batman released on fucking the green on it anyway you don't need to live like that when you got that excess pine cones coming from your asshole what do you call those things dingleberries that's what they used to call them and that fudgy

fucking pud and smudge all over your underwears on holy night let me tell you something you need a tushy bidet you like joey what's a bidet let me figure it out for you right it's a portable device that you attach right to your toilet takes you 10 minutes lee how long it takes you to attach it it takes you less than 30 minutes to attach it i'm an idiot and i know you're a general mechanic let me tell you something you're attaching you take a little fucking shit you turn you turn the water on the pressure takes your asshole at different levels you understand me and for some people it might change your life you just sit there all day when you give a you've got nothing to do but it'll clean your ass better than the fucking toilet paper you've ever had in your life you agree oh my

god i have the cold one and i start every day with it i love it it's amazing in the morning and you sit and you pee while your asshole gets cold water yeah that's the best yeah you might not have to take a shower as long as your asshole's fresh with some cold water i do right before the shower let me tell you something the asshole getting the cold water it vitalizes your nerves yeah it gets everything moving once you eat the oatmeal and close it right now but one of my nutritionists what i'm telling you is this hello tushy dot com is the way to go why because you get a 60 day money back guarantee which i've been using mine for two years and i'm 300 fucking pounds and if i haven't broke it you ain't gonna break fucking yours so clean your ass better and you use clean

water to spray your butt providing your your shower fresh feeling after every fucking disgusting shit you take there's no more skid mugs no more sugar burn fairies hanging on to your ass crack just an asshole cleaner than white christmas you understand me i love mine i'm telling you this is the way to do it go to tushy go to hello tushy dot com and use code church for 10 off your order and they started $69 surely santa could afford that stop wiping your fucking nasty asshole with that disgusting cheap toilet paper that breaks through and then you got shit on your fingernails till new year's day stop wasting your good time go to hello tushy dot com use code church c h u r c h and get 10 off your order as usual i love you guys with all my heart don't forget next

sunday no vote with wheeler monday san diego with the observatory and tuesday at the observatory and santa anna and i want to thank one of the best guys in comedy and i tell you this from the bottom of my heart tom sagura go to tom sagura what dot com and check out his dates and give him the love he deserves lisa yat happy hanukah thank you buddy we'll come into the holy month absolutely i want you to reserve it no more fucking around only kosher me no more Thai food and shit you know filthy cox they like Thai food you go fuck yourself anyway you're the best man thanks for having me i love you guys with all my heart have a great week and we'll see you wednesday stay black by kick that me

i count the phone and tears they fall before my eyes seems like a thousand years since we've broke the ties i'll call you on the phone but never give your eyes so sick they're all alone again you take your wheel out and run the paths of both men reach them searching for a change of peace and love is to these regions i scream and i'll just make the time that time i thought so long but now i change the night and i'm not sure do

I hope nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody Nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody's foolin', nobody Down it feels good fell Down it feels good Blowin' all the day Blowin' all the night Blowin' all the prolong

Blowin' all the day Blowin' all the day Blowin' all the day Blowin' all the day Sound of ice falling, ice falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling Naughty Stones, Naughty Stones, Naughty Stones Naughty Stones, Naughty Stones, Naughty Stones, Naughty Stones, na dancers you