Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #538 - Felicia Michaels

Episode Date: November 30, 2017

Felicia Michaels, Comedian, photographer and writer, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.   
Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.   Recorded live on 11/29/2017.


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slaps Joey again lift.com slash Joey limited time only terms apply kick that motherfucking meal league we fucking around today it's the end of November bitches the pilgrims got back on the boat it's time to throw some fucking heat motherfuckers it's like 26 days till ho ho ho so let's do this shit kick it kick it are you fucking kidding me or what the first down the cause unbelievable church what's happened now the Christ killer Felicia Michaels

speaking of sexual harassment this is the sexual harassment scene meaning the movie yeah which movie just because he jerks off in the bathroom to her on the bathing thing all right what's the movie with Jeff fucking Spicoli in the 80s that we grew up on fast times it really mind I fast times it rich guy masturbating type type type that fucking video in right now there you go that well yeah that could be considered I guess yeah right can you believe how much we've changed what I was oh shit the other night me and my got stuck watching and not got stuck as it's one of the greatest films of all

time office in a gentleman Richard yeah Richard G is best fucking yeah in the first 30 minutes he says 22 fucking offensive things like just fucking offensive that you'd say like that he beats up a guy breaks his nose I'm like look how much time yeah have changed that that that was just and he says something that he said something offensive like a racial racial just a rich oaky from was cookie or something shit right there yeah Phoebe this is the one they've been looking for they like been hunting her down right here look how beautiful she was say look at this shit Lee you know how cute I always

thought you were motherfuckers forget this fucking girl they just hunted it down she looks like they just hunted it down yahoo and now the sister catches him blasting off watch watch this seriously I don't know check in the house or somebody catches him blasting I think she catches them look at them this is real comedy people whacking off with a pirate this is real comedy right here this is real fucking comedy this is a classic fucking film look at her Jesus Christ nobody remembers the shit I got to drop knowledge every fucking day that was a tremendous I take

fucking alpha brain I remember all these deep down secrets I do love that watching old movies and you see stuff that wouldn't like pass today like they wouldn't they wouldn't let it in at all like you had that one that TV show where the guy said the n-word in the in the courtroom or something oh Sanford and sons you know he yeah they haven't on YouTube go to you to Sam from the son courtroom scene it's it's it's brilliant and it's it's well then I was reading that Angela Lansbury she's like 92 years old and then she came out and was like you know sometimes it's women's fault too and blah blah blah the third

one and people got on her but it's like she's a 92 year old woman she had to bear the brunt of all of the evil you know what I mean my NBC let me say I'm black well you the judge that don't count listen why don't you arrest some white drivers I do you do well where are they look at all these niggas in here look around here there's enough niggas in here to make a chosen movie this is 19 look at it look at this is 19 what for me now this is like 75 or four right yeah this is this is this is a great show yeah so

fucking crazy that I get stuck sometimes watching movies and you know when you're like like look at that press that Archie Bunker on the Jews again CBS 1970 you know this is crazy how much we've changed oh yeah you must be doing pretty good if you can lay out eight ten dollars a date for a cleaner woman ten dollars oh they're getting more than that for good cleaning people today maybe she's a live in maid well what are you talking about ain't the only people nowadays can afford live in help of rich people and Jews not all Jewish people are rich I never knew when it wasn't the stylus from our old neighborhood weren't they didn't have as much as we did even to hear them tell

it hey you don't suppose bowman sold his house to one of that tribe do you I mean he was always a jerk but he wouldn't do a thing like that to this name well what I'm wondering is if a rich Jewish person could afford to hire a maid why would he buy Jim Bowman's old house to make trouble these people are always looking to make a test case why do you think they got that their organization now what do you call it to Benet Briss well I'm gonna go over there and fight out where are you going I'm just gonna take a walk over to Jim Bowman's house and I'm gonna talk to him about it that's all where's my lumberjack right in there where somewhere in there but somewhere in there ain't

right in there Eden how about right in there somewhere oh well you get in there again it was right there you sure have your little ways of torturing me Eden how much have we just crossed my mind remember old man McNabb yeah we still live down a street there remember the time that he was going to sell his place to them Jews oh and you come around with that petition to all the rest of us to sign remember keep mouth we all signed huh yeah you really saved the block that time Jim well you know me so I mean you wouldn't then turn around and and do what McNabb was trying to do with you you mean sell to Jews yeah oh no these people are Baptists

oh Mr Bowman I just talked with the telephone company and they are putting my phone in today now I really believe the house is mine oh hi neighbor and that's the birth of the Jeffersons can you believe that Felicia that's the birth of the Jeffersons such great TV right fuck I forgot all this shit look at his face you know it was uh the coon that's the name of the coons account oh my god that's the name of the episode well let's just leave it out I mean this is we're watching all this shit take for instance what this represents this here is the struggle of the races man's inhumanity to man yet's for all the shining hope of a new brotherhood see

the girl has gone crazy I'm all alone I'm all alone in this house isn't anybody else interested in upholding standards our world is coming crumbling down the coons are coming this is CBS Felicia 12% of the population is black there should be a lot of black families living out here yeah this is only a beginning but I think it's wonderful wonderful huh well let's see how wonderful it is when a watermelon rinds come flying up wow right oh my god oh my god we have all about these episodes and it's tough because like they're funny because like you see how ridiculous they are now but there are people who are like yeah

the Jews are moving in but nobody was complaining that's true well because it had a morality to it where he would learn his little lesson you know what I mean it wasn't you know when Sammy Davis kissed him in the lips yeah that's that time or when the Puerto Rican guy found his wallet I don't remember that one it was an episode when Puerto Rican guy found his wallet and he couldn't fucking believe the Puerto Rican was returning it you know it was such a sign and when the Puerto Rican came over he was like hi Hector it's the guy that was the typical Puerto Rican at the time he uh in fact he was the original cat he was Julio he was Julio on Sanford and son he played every Puerto Rican and he comes in he goes Mr. Bunker here's the wallet I

found and the cash is stolen and he goes yeah you know you're a hero you know I never expect that bumper he goes eat it don't just stand there give him some to drink right and then he turns he goes she goes I don't know what to offer him and he you know like the guy's right there and he goes I don't know a Puerto Rican's drink you know and he also he goes how about some pineapple juice you know like and even as a kid it didn't get it didn't offend me in no way at all well I think it must be interesting like for Lee to watch it because we remember it from when we were kids so can you imagine that sense in the time television today like can you imagine that on listen Sanford and son came on at 8 30 on Fridays after Chico and the man on 8 okay it was Chico and

the man and with Freddie Prince which was it's a man I can't explain to you what it meant to a guy like me on Friday night I didn't do anything I didn't do anything till nine o'clock so Chico and the man and Sanford and the son was over with and then they had Crime Story with Andrew Dice Clay nobody fucking remembers that either it was no I'm lying to you people that was earlier then Freddie Prince died then that old thing went down the tubes and then they came out with Miami Vice at 9 and Crime Story with Andrew Dice Clay at 10 that was a good fucking show no it was a good show yeah for sure for sure so on Friday nights Lee if you were 13 you watch Sanford and son you just didn't your parents went out on Fridays and you were like thank god bye yeah we're gonna do

homework fuck you we're gonna get a pizza from Sal's and we're gonna sit here and watch Chico and the man and laugh and then we're gonna fucking watch I still remember watching him say the nigga thing about don't you ever ask any black people what the fuck are they look at all these niggas in here I still remember sitting in my living room with a loner Merton's a German girl that was beautiful and her and I on Friday she was two years older than me and she had a boyfriend moved to Miami so shit me and her boyfriend were friends and we did that on Friday so she would come over eventually we made out because it always goes that way do you remember what's happening that was my favorite what's happening good times uh the white shadow about basketball yeah that was

a big one yeah that was uh and these were all shows it's funny to Rod Carmichael had a show a short-lived show on NBC that I really enjoyed and it was I really enjoyed the guy from uh in living color on it he was great Tiffany Haddish was great but what I really liked about the Gerard Carmichael show that it had to do with issues of what was going on right now today you know that's what was going on in the 70s people were moving on up like I always tell people I'm from North Bergen New Jersey but I'm really from Hoboken because the people I grew up with were all from Hoboken they were people who moved on up to North Bergen and bought a house like they moved out of a tenement and North Bergen was the new thing to move up to so North Bergen was all

Irish and Italian I can't imagine when I moved into the block and then like there's a new spectator on the block so I understood all this type of shit I got it it's tough now because like I grew up in a time when this wasn't allowed like I've heard stories like Jews not allowed into country clubs and I've heard stuff like that before but I never really experienced it when I grew up everyone was I guess it was like the start of the PC world or whatever you want to call it but it doesn't it doesn't hurt my feelings but I can see like if you grew up in it maybe it's something you're just normally like it's you're used to but I can't imagine not being able to move into a neighborhood because they're not gonna like the Jews are living there it's like

that's a weird thought to have yeah but that's how it was I mean that it was well even Trump got in trouble with his dad because they wouldn't rent to black people like you know what I mean like it was completely like that it was very and I like it's it's interesting now looking at like Boston there's this part called Dorchester where it's a lower income area there's a lot of black people there now but when my mom's parents were moving to the area there was all Jewish people so it's interesting how like sometimes I'm like why do all these Jewish people why do all these Chinese people live together and it's like maybe that's the only place they had to live and now they have a little area but it's it's just something that we never really have to think about at all

when they migrate you know like that's very interesting the migration it was really great when I did the 23 and me and you and Terry were talking about the Chinese thing right about how I had a little bit of Chinese the fuck you laughing about me because because oh I know you're laughing about which should I tell should I say it about I was dating this Asian guy right and so Joey would always be like you going out with the doysin the doysin and I'm like what the fuck is a doysin because like that was the name we called Asian people when I was a kid Chinese people and then I was I was like shut up that's so fucked up and then he does the ancestry in me or 23 in me and he's like I'm 2% I'm like oh my god you're a doysin I'm a doysin and then you justify that you said

that the Chinese way before Columbus took a tour around the world well there's also I read a book once where the there was a great armada as a Chinese empire fell that had gone out like because they would go out for like three to seven years or whatever and that they went all the way around the world and it'd be like a lot of ships together you know and armada and so if a ship crashed you know they would take them on but as soon as they hit land the they had to go on the land and then they would just kind of you know meld into the people that were there and that genetically that's why they can tell and say Asian like that makes complete sense because they probably went all the way around and were up and they went all the way around and and they had a

certain types of chickens that genetically test like that are in South America are Asian you know have some kind of Asian component and they say that's part of it I mean it's interesting when you start thinking about history like that you know no and especially your history like I ended up with well I always knew because the Cuban history you know I always knew that the island was originally Indians Columbus came and then the slave trade and then people from Spain went there after a war and you had this big fucking galash of people Irish went there during the Battle of the Boyne so you had all this you know just like anything else there was a big Jewish community like I couldn't believe how big the Jewish community was now well in Cuba they have a big Chinese community

right biggest Chinatown and the world from China until 1960 or something something just outrageous I remember what Dane went he went to the Chinatown they were like it's not Chinatown I don't know like all the Chinese left you know like all that and there's only one left now that we've discussed there's only one Cuban Chinese cook left oh really and he's on 77 79th Street in Broadway like Harry Dodd there's even a video about him on YouTube like he's the last guy left like that's it that when I was a kid there were probably five of those Chinese Cuban restaurants in the area now they're down to one how crazy must it be to move to a different country like now it might be a little bit easier but like I'm like third or fourth generation maybe even

more I don't know about ephelesia but Joey I mean you're you'd immigrate like immigrated from a different country that's it must be terrifying it must be like I don't think I can even understand what it's like I don't think that it was just terrifying because of my age that's true right it wasn't really a thought like if if I really really really really sit and think if you ask me anything about Cuba there's nothing I remember except looking at the ocean one day and I remember driving with my dad in the car like but I also remember driving through the Lincoln tunnel with my dad sitting in the driver's seat with no seatbelts you know and you could still drive like I still I have more memories with my dad in the United States than I do in Cuba

you know I gotta remember none of that shit I remember going to kindergarten and the language barrier like I was telling Felicia when I was a kid I wouldn't eat chocolate till night time and people go why do we eat chocolate at night time I says because that's what it says chocolate late yeah so I thought it was chocolate late you know so I didn't know like when I was five I would always save chocolate for the night time yeah why do you drink it because it's chocolate late you know like all those things to me seem interesting that's why always I try to be nice to people but I'm extra nice to immigrants because I remember those two or three year window how insecure I felt and it wasn't just the insecurity I tell a joke on

stage that it really bothers me to tell this joke when I say it about that time period I was allergic to maple syrup mm-hmm I was a really sickly kid so it wasn't bad enough that I was sickly now I was an immigrant so I was to this little with these little white kids on 88th street I was this fucking speck pariah that was always with bandages or you know I always had bandages on my arm from getting blood drawn so like not only are you new which is scary yeah your your Spanish couldn't speak Spanish and I was fucking sickly that fucking destroyed me and my dad had died mm-hmm so my mom said every time a door opened you would look at the door right you know so I was just a fucking mess but I still remember like I don't think somebody made fun of me I think somebody

said I was an American and in my mind I was like you know what fuck you I'll prove to you I'm an American I'm gonna go eat hot dogs like I still remember thinking mm-hmm if I had enough hot dogs I'd be a fucking American like things like that right that did your mom already speak English when she came over here to say yes another answer you have to know my mom my mom spoke English when it was convenient to her right okay that's it she spoke as good as English as you could when it was convenient to her right when it wasn't convenient to her she played it off so it got to the point where she wanted me to speak English outside the house inside the house I had to speak Spanish she wanted she encouraged for me to learn English and keep the Spanish which I didn't want to well I

think about your mom all the time like how strong and strong willed she must have been to be able to go through that period of time as an immigrant you know as a single mother as someone who is working in an industry that is not ladylike you know how she just that's pretty amazing you know it's not that part of her life that intrigues me about my mother it's 1955 through 1961 or two which is the most intriguing part of me that I wish there was a way I knew everything that happened because it was just a mess like the warrant her going to the Bronx her meeting somebody on the street and them getting jobs as runners you know for a bookmaker in the neighborhood and then the bookmaker has a heart attack and they're the ones that know how to do it like you know it's like

Lee is smart he knows that the cops are looking for male runners it's 1950 fucking five in the Bronx he knows they're looking for male runners so he enlists two 16 year old cute girls to run the numbers for them well guess what the guy gets some type of heart attack so guess who has to run his business these two 17 or 18 year old girls now and then they had to maneuver their way and keep it quiet because if the neighborhood found out that Lee was sick they wouldn't pay the girls the girls would get so they had to figure out a way these two girls and the you know I don't know the whole story but that's the story and then somewhere along the line she met my father went back to Cuba and had my sister and me and then they would go back and forth they met in New York yeah they met in

New York yeah they met in New York and young kids yeah I thought that meant you know they met in New York and like a weirdest fucking way my uncle told me no he goes she got to New York and bam a year later they were hooked up together and then he was doing his thing she was doing her thing and I you know like he goes did you know your mom lived in Venezuela what no I did not know that like my uncle told me because yeah she was in Venezuela with your father for six months then they lived on island wow they lived in Curacao Curacao they lived in Curacao for six months like they were like two fucking whatever and they went to Cuba and I said those are the years what do you think they were doing like what's your guess that you know what were they doing because

they didn't have a lot of money right they were investing the money from the numbers they were making nobody really knew the money my mother was making from those numbers it was and then they opened up a sandwich shop across the street from a grammar school in Union City right next to the bar of the guy that had the big dick I told the story of Andy club 38 it's an appliance store now it's like a air refrigeration but in the 50s they have a sandwich store and they'd be okay and it was up the block from me the Washington school or something in Union City then they sold that and bought the bar the whole time they were doing numbers but my father had a secret business the heroin business with these Jews on the lower east

side him and a gay guy named Angel would take coke to Connecticut and shit heroin to Connecticut and shit like that and that's how they were really making that money wow so they had this bar business but at the same time my father was a committee man he was a Cuban committee man uh he was the first Cuban committee man in Union City are you serious yes oh wow so that's why when he died it was such a mystery they had to get him out before they did an autopsy right to reveal the drug use because the politicos weren't involved on it so it's kind of fucked up how it all went down like those are the years how old do you think she was at this time my mom yeah 30 something she's 36 maybe because yeah I was three so she died when I was 15 so 12 48 minus 12 is what 36

but she was 36 and she picked up like I'm saying to her why do we move from the house in Jersey she was like when somebody dies you move that's it like she's like I didn't want to live in Jersey anyway I hated Jersey she wanted to be in New York those that era really I want to know what happened those years and those are the years that have always intrigued me about it I still remember the dry cleaner I still remember her going with her to different banks like let's say she had her own bank but Felicia had her bank my mother's bank was in uh studio city mm-hmm but Felicia's bank was in Sherman Oaks even though on paper we should be kind of enemies we're fighting for the same nickel my mother didn't look at it that way so there were days I'd go to your bank with my mother

when we go over there and you'd be surrounded by 12 guys yelling numbers and writing them on a black board and go get 20 pounds of lobsters and fucking whatever let's celebrate the norm you know like we used to go to different banks and see how they ran them god knows what kind of went down I was five you know wow but I would see how she would maneuver around men and how you know it was it was like disrespect she was a woman and she was making her own money and there's women's and there's men's world you know and then when she got the bar I got to see how guys would treat her at night like she she never let us slip up like she was one of those women that always like she never let us slip up like it never got to point B she would fucking know you on point A

check you so fucking hard that you would just shit your fucking pants like you would just go right and then 20 people would stare you down and go what were you thinking right like it was that type of when men came on to her or something and I like that I like that style or she would just shut that shit down like I still remember different like one night this guy hit me because I said something to him and she found out that he'd kick me and my mom asked me did you fucking kick I go yeah but I call them like a fucking half a fag or something because that don't mean nothing he can't be kicking no son of mine and she picked up the phone and she was saying shit to this guy that she goes you know before you hit my son there's what you need to do you

need to go get a guy to put a big dick up your ass and fuck you and then you carry that kid for nine months and then you spit it out of your fucking pussy you little miserable motherfucker don't let me see you again I mean she was just going off on this guy she scared the shit out of this guy this guy like closes mechanic shop like four days until until fucking the closest clearing yeah until they smoothed it out like it was just a weird thing to see right but when she was younger and lived in Cuba uh how did she go to the United States the first time it was like going to Atlantic City there was no TSA yeah right you remember flying in the 80s oh when I remember explain the people flying in the 80s when I was uh at the beginning of my career flying

quite a bit and you would always try to get the cheapest ticket so there was this guy uh that had his office travel agent down by the airport right down the corner this guy you would fly and you would fly under 106 different names because he would finagle like when people couldn't get the uh where they couldn't make the flight blah blah blah they would like source it to him so you would pay like you know 100 bucks or 100 and fly on the least I had yeah you would fly and then there were celebrities that did it too and then it stopped because once a celebrity comic I can't remember who was like Jackie Mason or something like that someone recognized that that his name didn't match his ticket I don't know if it was Jackie Mason but it was something like that and then that's uh

when things started to change when that came but it was awesome because you could get the cheapest tickets but I still remember going to an airport and going what time's the next flight like there was no online leave like hold on what's the next flight to Vegas tick tick tick tick Burbank Vegas there's none of that yeah you have like going to yellow pages and call the 800 line and all right this is melon what can I I like to go to Florida I'm flying out of Burbank what time hey they well what do you got and they tell you in this like how do you pay for it well you pay for it two hours before flight time yes yes you would go on to the airport leave with a cash of money or a check or a credit card diners club that's what you traveled under and you could pay there was no

ID Lee I could go to the airport and go what's your name Pablo Escobar okay your ticket's 300 Mr. Escobar pay him and that was it they took your word for it how do you spell Escobar there was no fucking no TSA there was a guy with a fucking thing that you went through anyway that's it or how about no cell phones how about that traveling with no cell phones how about that remember that I remember that I'm not that young I still remember like when I was a kid my brother and I got by we had bikes and we were old enough to go away from the house we didn't have a cell phone we had a my mom got like these long-range walkie talkies that would go like five or six miles and we had I remember carrying those around yeah but I well growing up I had silverware with American

Airlines on it like actual silverware that my dad or mom must have taken off the flight or something like they had actual silverware for meals no they gave you a flighting was completely different I told you I still remember going into an airplane bathroom and there would be perfumes perfumes and hand creams for free you know there were planes that were two decors there were double-decker planes so first class was upstairs there was a guy playing a piano and there'd be a fucking and there'd be a fucking uh it was crazy a guy playing a piano even if you watch if you watch the movie with deniro and that guy that he has to take him cross-country midnight run remember they had to go upstairs yeah planes are double-deckers Lee and first

class was upstairs and there was a pig with an ambulance man he'd come over and take a piece of the pig and shit wow have you ever been on a plane where um they're moving a convict from one from one city to the other so that is weird that and and then one time they happened to me but they were sitting right behind me but it was so it's like so paranoid you know I had been on the plane they put those people in regular like I've always heard Joey joke about that when you do Expedia or something but they they don't have like regular planes for criminals it's like they have a con air but uh for quick trials and shit like that like for a witness relocated guys like let's say you're a witness relocated guy and you're in Indiana but your court cases in New York

they won't fly you direct they'll fly you from Indiana to Michigan to from Michigan to San Francisco then you stay a day and you go from San Francisco to Oklahoma then Oklahoma to New York City I got the whole load down and why did they do that just so nobody's on your tail you don't know where you're going uh-huh it's so weird yeah when you're in the witness relocation plan you don't know where you're going to an hour before you're leaving when they hand you your ticket and your dossier of what school your son's gonna go to what's his name gonna be in Reno that sounds terrible like the only the only uh I saw it I just watched my name is Earl so I saw them go through it I can't imagine just being like yeah you're moving to Nebraska and your name is Joe now

and you can't tell anybody you can't contact anybody do you know anyone that ever went under the witness protection program? Salubatz yeah Salubatz I met him here in Studio City he lived around the corner from your house oh really and it was very interesting because you grow up you know with this code that you'll never snitch you'll never rat you know you know I've never rat it I don't believe I don't know but it's crazy when you actually rat like I don't I always want to know the reasons you know and I like to figure them out you know with Salubatz it's a very interesting story he was gonna get 20 years for heroin he could have done the 20 years standing on his head Sal

is fucking 78 and he just got married a month ago like he's one of those guys he looks great he's in great shape but when people don't know about Sal was that when Sal was going through all that shit with John Gotti he had two sons that were fucking college heavy-duty prospect like they were in high school and fucking colleges were already looking at these two guys like big time so here's the story when he got flipped you know he thought about his kids and he ratted on John Gotti and he took his kids to Texas and changed their names and I mean it was they took the government a lot because they were looking for the boys that's how Gotti was gonna find them through the boys so they had to switch their names and put them in different high schools

in different fucking parts of Texas and guess what they both got scholarships to Division one school oh really fuck yeah oh so they still played one primarily the University of Colorado in Boulder oh really so all those years when I was living in Boulder Salubatz was up the corner in North Boulder yeah that's what we hit off after we met son went and then he played pro football so now Sal was when I just spoke to Sal a week ago he's in Vegas and he got approached by a writer now and he's got a little deal Paramount or somebody threw him a little deal and they're going to write the story of his sons so but uh so when you get to leave the witness protection program when do you get to leave yeah like so if he's telling you this and we're talking about

when we live when I when I met him he was already gone from the program he was still had contact with the handlers we shot a horrible movie called the Sinatra Club and when I got to the set not only was the FBI there was but Henry Hill was there drunk you know just he was just a fuck oh really who was a fuck you know really like when you met Henry Hill Henry Hill is like 70 percent of the people in Hollywood they did something one time but they blew it up into something else you know uh you could tell Henry Hill was just a half a mutt like and even Sal said to me he goes one time when I first got into the program I got a job working as an apartment building manager and I got a hold of Henry Henry lived in Venice or the valley or whatever and I

invited him over and he when he was drinking coffee he saw the apartment keys to all the apartments and he's like why don't we rob the apartment keys Henry you're 50 something and there's all really like Henry was still like he was just a fucking thug that got to to tell his story first then a bunch of people wrote that book saying that guy was crazy but Scorsese bought them all so nobody could deter from his story primarily the daughter Henry Hill's daughter wrote a great book and she was like how can you believe a guy that was he married listen Henry Hill was so crazy there's a part in my blue heaven with Steve Martin goes into the he's a mafia guy you've ever seen that movie brilliant movie but there's a scene where he calls his handler and he

goes hey Vinny I got married say hello and he goes but Vinny you're already married he goes don't worry I married her under my other name Henry Hill at one time was married to his wife in the same house in Washington state he was married to his wife and she lived in the building in the basement and he was married to a young chick upstairs under his witness relocation name and naturally told his wife because what are you talking about it's not cheating I married her under my witness name but in his criminal fucking demented alcoholic cocaine mind right he thought that was like fine like so did the two women know about each other and you have to live in the same house and then you know shit turned over then he got busted in Washington and then all this

shit went down but you know you it's like the most interesting guy in the world to me the last 20 years like I find a lot of people in spring hamming away is interesting but I like when somebody makes something out of nothing yeah those are the people that impressed the fuck out of me whether it's a woman with an A1 company or something whatever he's a guy but he just got out of jail Sam of the Bulldogs got out of jail I would pay to have him on the park gas to pick his business mind apart and to pick after 30 years why he read it and I guarantee that he'd say that I'd write it I'd write down why he read it and give it to him and he'd go how did you know because I thought about it he had to get to them before they got to them

you follow me sometimes it's better to get your story out faster before he tells us exactly yeah when the tapes first came out it made the tape sound like he was crazy Sam of the Bulldogs like God he was just talking all his shit about him meanwhile he was making 12 million dollars a fucking year like giving you 12 million dollars a year off his construction rackets when I give you a million a month off my construction rackets do you know how much money I'm making 10 million a month so you have to understand that guy figured out how to become I mean they this is why I never understood why Trump beside the politics and the elections and the wig and the bad hair and the Russians I never understood how Trump got elected because in Sammy's book he talks all

about Trump yeah it was the construction business and it was the construction business well I remember you telling me about that when it was uh during the election way before the election I told the people I'm like he mentioned it in the book and then she came out and said I hope Trump wins because maybe hope pardon my dad they're old friends she said it the daughter said it on entertainment weekly or something right they would that's the construction is construction and he gives the story how he would shake Trump down how are you shaking a building that Felicia Michaels is building a a fucking tremendous new building in New York everything a blowjob room you're sticking dick in the wall and Al Franklin tickles your balls you know what I'm saying like

the whole fucking thing my cute tiny little balls so you have this loan from the bank you got to pay this fucking loan back you borrow 200 million dollars you know what your vig is every fucking month so construction has to fucking be on call like constant like they got to keep moving like there's an article down that came up that he was playing those poor pollocks four thousand hours uh oh yeah yes yes yes yeah remember when the sopranos when they would give him envelopes okay by union law I got to have 30 laborers on at 18 dollars an hour you know what 18 dollars an hour is that's 18 dollars for fucking also workman's cop so if I pay you 18 you're really costing me fucking 36 plus the 10 for the union bullshit so that's 36 and 10 is 46

so I'm paying fucking Felicia Michaels 46 dollars a fucking hour or whatever the fuck it is plus I gotta fucking give her a 15 minute break while the scratch her ass and smoke a cigarette fuck you so what they do is they take 30 laborers and they take 15 of them and they actually pay them but then they take 15 poor souls and they pay them non-union wages and they pocket the union wages and that's who the mafia gets the payback from so you have if you have 15 fucking guys and you'll saving 40 dollars 40 dollars an hour that's a lot of labor fucking that's a lot of right so they were that's what they do but why do you think people see past that money that's all no I see people pass that because I'm very confused on what's going on lately and what happens we forgive

we forgive as americans we have to forgive as human beings I know but you we always forgive after we really superset someone on fire and it just seems like he puts he makes so many fires were so distracted like oh he said this and he did that no that happened I'm not talking about right now forget about right now I'm talking about 15 20 years ago all the little actions that he did that you know like the the trump thing I mean I said it and two weeks later the Washington Journal Review had a write-up about it Trump official ties to Samuel the Bull and Philadelphia he bought that property directly from the Philly mob you know like there's like you know nobody cared it was forgotten about you know we also live in a society that glamorizes mafia you know we why did we love

Sinatra so much because he could sing because he rubbed elbows his people he was cool yeah now with a fucking black Jew to other guys the glamorization you know if I come to you tomorrow and say I cheated on Terry with some chick I don't think you talked to me for a while but Tony Soprano did it every week to his wife right and you can wait to watch the soprano and not one time did you look at me and say he's a fat fucking little cheater actually I wouldn't say anything to Terry no no no no but I would say to you get your shit together no no no no no no no no you on you understand I'm trying to say to you that I know it's how we look at different situations right you know right now we're living in a country right now where I could say to you

uh Felicia I gotta confess something to you I'm gonna say what I'm gonna say you know when I did the longest yarn I was putting my football pants on one day and had him say I'm gonna rub my nutsack yeah that happened in 2004 and you'd say to me so did you say anything no he's Adam Sandler I was 12 years ago I was gonna believe fat fucking Joey did you enjoy it what was it like you know but I also have to go to I also before I open my mouth and say something like oh well has he been convicted of it again like it's funny you and I had this conversation a month ago and I thought about it now I understand where we were coming from why people come out afterwards right because that I was you felt very strongly of like that's not okay you come out right away

or shut up right away or whatever but then you go in awesome when they were sitting here Lee has a few drinks and he goes did I ever tell you that day in the longest you're Adam Sandler trying to finger up my ass during the shower scene and now we got a problem yeah because now he did the two of us and now we'll both go public you know but at the same time I always think about what I was doing 20 years ago and what I'm doing today and I can look you in the eye and have completely changed that like I don't see a lot of that I used to see before like that low-end vine as you call it you're a criminal so I can't eat it are you with me on this like it's it's rough for a guy like me if you said to me two weeks ago I went to a comedy show and somebody fingered me in the back

we got a fucking problem you know what Joey I was just having lunch with Jackie Cation and a bunch of comics and there was a young guy comic that was defending girl comics about how newbie girl comics are afraid at night at the clubs and I was all like whatever and then someone brings up Louie and I was literally like I was around Louie for a long time and he never did anything to me and so I am suspect and then all the stuff came out and you think and you start to realize you know people that are predatory are picking people that no one will believe you know what I mean that they're going to pick some people that if you heard something to be all that girl's questionable or I don't believe you or this or that you know and I just think that that there needs to be a

clear conversation of what we're going to tolerate as a society you know like like if a guy hits on me while I'm at work you know that what is the rule like what are the rules we need to have that conversation so like one part of me is like god Al Franken must be a creeper but then the other part of me is like wouldn't it be great if someone like that could really have a conversation like start a conversation of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable you know because I think a lot of people are getting called out righteously and I think I worry about because I heard a girl comment say oh now bookers aren't going to book girls because they don't want to freak the guys out you know what I mean it'll go underground it's like all this shit like let's just have a real conversation

about it I don't want this to be like for girls a handicap bathroom for comedy like now two girls can't get hired because the guy's in the condo right I don't want that to happen I really shouldn't anything it's you know what I've shared thousands of condos yeah me too I've been cool with them it's uh I've never you know I've most of the words you use predatory uh-huh I've never been predatory with my hands but when I used to get coked up the coke would make me be predatory with my mouth right so you talk some shit I would talk about some shit but my salesmanship pussy skills will also get enlightened you know were you good at it when I was coked up yeah I could talk you into fucking anything if you were on the fence if you were a little coke if you like

their own little coke and getting fingered I could get you halfway there do you know what I'm saying and I'm the type of guy that I never wanted no surprise because I never I was such an addict that don't think you're going to come to my hotel room snort coke I at least not suck a dick or do something like that right you're snorting the coke in we're family even if tomorrow we're back to being friends tonight you gotta suck a little dick you gotta show me that monkey you gotta do something I would set it up before we went to the hotel uh-huh so the girl knew exactly what was happening yeah I would pull your side and say for you to check out an able we got a bottle of Tino's when we get there I'll put you to work a little bit what do you mean you know

you gotta show me the monkey we gotta do something okay you know the deal some people knew the deal going in so you have to be like I was you know like what are you gonna do here you're sitting with next to this as I come here but do you ever even worry about saying stories like that because I'm sure there's people that hear that that interpret that differently I'm not saying I'm talking to you I'm telling you from an addict's perspective right I'm not telling you from a Jodea's perspective during the the coke years like I was telling the story at dinner about somebody you know somebody to save my life tonight sugar bear let me tell you a fucking fucked up story you know part the story I didn't feel you know the whole fucking story because I didn't remember at

the time we talk on the phone every night from time to time and we giggle and with dear friends I was if I'm 54 she's 52 but she was hot when I was 15 she was 13 I used to have an above ground pool and when I was about 14 everybody would come over the pool and I had goggles on one day you know when you're 14 that's when you start reacting to women you know and I was you know swimming underneath and I saw her go underneath and when she went up her bikini went down a little bit and she had the hairiest pussy in the world and my body just froze in the water I thought I was gonna fucking drown but she was like kind of like a little sister type I hung out with her brother and we all hung out together and this this nothing happened

Felicia we were tight and guess what my mother dies yeah my mother dies November 8 and it's Christmas Eve and I felt terrible inside Felicia I mean I didn't know what I felt like I just can't describe the feeling like and we spoke on the phone and we were fucking how you ever know mean you howl about weird things right yeah like her and I were howling because I had to tell her what happened I go I was with my friends we got Bala Jack Daniels and we went out and I bumped into you at that party she goes I remember and I go when I was fucking mind fucking you I wasn't I wasn't doing coke that night I was mind fucking her from a friend from a from an angle of pain I just didn't know how to tell her I did not want to be alone that night right I did not want to be

alone I had never really had sex with a girl before and nothing would make me feel better tonight so if I could have sex with you and I told her just like that Felicia I go even if you just come home and let me suck your titties and I don't even know how I said it wasn't really in a vlog away and then when I told you I went back she said no that she was still too young to lose her virginity and I told you this story then I went back and I jumped the fence and I drank at the grave the rest of the jacket I kept thinking maybe I should dig my mother up I mean I felt horrible at night like it was the first Christmas away from my mother and I jumped the fence and I cried the whole walk home right and when I walked in the fucking house the phone

was ringing and it was her and she goes what are you doing and I go I just got home you know and she goes are you gonna be home for a little while I go yeah she came over 15 minutes later and we made love and till this day we're best friends and I finally called her two weeks ago and explained to her when she left how I felt like it gave me a lease on life as stupid and as selfish like she was an angel that night she didn't come over and was I still remember her bleeding and us me holding her like I had never done that before she lost her virginity like I had never done none of this stuff before and I remember her leaving and like we didn't sleep at all that night the people I were living were just coming home they were playing cards on New Year's Eve and like that gave me another three

months of life like it wasn't just a piece of pussy like you know what I'm saying right after my mother died the chick did give me a piece of charity pussy she called like a week out my mother wasn't the dirt wasn't even stiff yet and this chick was an old good piece of ass from the old days I had never made love to before I used to finger her and we'd you know props fitness shit sometimes I'm like what the fuck you have to remember he's 15 I was just thinking how many fucking different finger bang stories I know of your person I was such a Catholic that I wouldn't dare to put my dick in your pussy for this shit like I would rather look at no I wouldn't even look at it I'm just I'd finger you through your pants

I even got quote one finger the German girl her father was watching me finger that they told her coming that she couldn't move because my hand were in her pants she's like five minutes I'm like yeah five minutes pups the next day they transferred her butt she was at holy rosary academy the next day they put a like in fucking Jupiter with Christians up there but it was funny because when she left that night like it was oh no I was talking about the other guy that gave me a piece she told me she had a piece for me she had never made love to me I had finger them behind the barbecue at John Bendis house that's the third finger story in three minutes but that's all I did I used to just finger them at barbecues that one I finger at the barbecue at John Bendis house

and then I mean that's over together where would he do it at the barbecue that's just a terrible visual John Bendis had a picnic table with like a tablecloth over it you do it outside oh no I did it inside at the four seasons yeah I did it outside no I got the room at the four seasons when I'm 14 yeah the fuck you think this is roses isn't there a couch somewhere you know there's no couch I had my mother you know it is to bring a girl to cuban listen here's the weird thing like Felicia I love you to death but if you're Spanish these conversations we have about your boys would not exist you would sit them down and go here there's plain and simple the first bitch I see in here she's going to the hospital and you're going to the hospital

that's how Spanish moms are like you both going to the hospital for broken bones and other damages don't bring one of your skinny bitches over here cuban cuban moms do not play like I used to try for a while and my mom used to make me leave the door open oh yeah but we're trying to study we can't hear what you're music I'll put the music down but leave that fucking door open and if a girl called the house God forbid my mother would interrogate it but I did I did that too Joey with my sons and I had I don't know if I told you this but I had done a gig where they were giving out at a gay club where they were giving out condoms so I had like I opened my person literally poured them in and then I gave 15 of them to each of the the kids and then like two weeks

later my oldest is like we're going to the drugstore and he's like mom you got any more of those condoms and I'm like what the fuck dude I bought you 15 condoms I told you not to mess around him he's like no no I use them and then I go what and I go with who and he goes with these two different chicks and I go when and he goes when you were home and I'm like where in my room and the door was open that's how fast it happens Joey that's and I had to say to him don't have sex over here you know crazy when you're in the back looking at one woman you're like I'm having way juniors and meanwhile your son's in there getting his hammer suck like a savage I know I know it's terrible taking pictures like Al Franken and shit grabbing titties

I can't have judgment on it because because now his bedroom is where we used to do the old podcast where I took a picture of your balls how crazy is that I went over your house one day very straight faced like oh listen I want to take I want you to take a picture of my balls and you looked at me like what are you talking about let me get my camera let me get the camera and I had to hold my dick up while you took my balls it was funny because at first you started from eight feet away and then I had to get up on that shit you're like wait a second this is like Vietnam I gotta get up close and shit do you imagine if you try to do that now like if with all this stuff happening if you got that call today Felicia or if you got that I would do it I would

do it I was thinking about something let's say a girl wants to get a I'm not again I'm not being fresh or anybody I'm just asking you if a woman wants to get her because I see all these women see all these women like I'm a fucking sexual um somebody was talking about pierced vaginas like an article that pierced vaginas really got in 2015 it was the year the pierced vagina there's some shit everybody got their vaginas pierced and I was thinking about like who pierces vaginas women or men I think both I think it depends on how you go to like is there a doctor or there was a tattoo do do this I don't know maybe they just get a potato in a needle you know I mean to do it themselves can you imagine where they pierced like the clip I don't fucking know you

know I didn't ask the New York Times you know where the fuck they pierced that no I'm kind of scared I don't want that in my fucking history my wife goes in there and see the vagina piercing and next thing you know I'm fucking you know living in this office yeah living in the couch come to my office that's crazy it's uh oh it's falling down it's at nine no nine nobody hate nobody hate nobody call this motherfucker Jesus Christ but it is it is weird how like different like you can be okay with different things like Joey you say all these things we've joked for years like how you talk to the denny's waitresses and it's not even anything sexual but it's just something that you wouldn't expect like women to be okay with so it's it I I think it would be kind of hard to know what the

line is for some people well that's the thing it's like after the whole Louis thing came out some girl comic young girl comic put on there uh I wouldn't care if Louis showed me his peen or whatever and uh and yeah that's cool for you but that might not be for everybody I mean you don't know what experience people have had you know like if you're going around masturbating in front of some chick that was molested as a kid or had an issue or even if you know like why do we even have to endure that you know I try I'm crazy really I know I have moments of fucking craziness and I thought about you know I've been thinking a lot lately I've been doing a lot of soul searching just like the Gina story with the door 14 and shit like that like I always thought about that

story the wrong way she was an angel that night she really did save me I don't remember the sex I don't remember what acts we did I came in a minute doesn't matter I've always been a preemie I just know that I felt different after that not that I'd conquered like sometimes you have sex and you feel like a conqueror this wasn't a conqueror this was like she had given me three moments I swear to god it's the way I think it's a beautiful story and I don't think that equates at all even though you were you know uh talking her in but you know yeah yeah yeah but even though you were talking her in I think that's a beautiful story and that was a very kind thing that she did uh but that's a way different than you know what stuff is going on like what about that

Matt Lauer thing how weird to wake up and hear okay so what exactly did Matt Lauer there's just as far as I know they were saying that someone that worked there uh they had some meeting and some big story came out about how he uh I guess was harassing someone however I don't know the details I don't know the details but I read an article that just before you guys came over that he had a button at his desk that could remotely lock the door so no one could come in oh yeah but was he using it to do the stories haven't really come out yet from what I heard is that he had a reputation like one time he had a producer bring a pillow up to his room that he he thought was pretty so it's just but it's it's a weird because I grew up I started out in post-production

and it's different for me like it's it's not a sexual thing but there's a little bit it's like it is kind of a boys club there's a little bit of hazing a little bit there's a so does it do you think stuff like this even though like it's you obviously it's terrible what's happening you have to report it do you think it's hurting women in a way almost so that everything is coming out right now just that in some ways I think it would scare some people from hiring or bringing in women well you always worry about that but the fact is like why should we have to be your lesson like why for Louis to learn the lesson of not to do that why why do those women have to endure that I mean they shouldn't they shouldn't yeah the whole thing is but then what

are the rules it goes back to what are the rules I mean as far as uh if you're at work and you're in an editing bay and you can can you ask a girl out is that considered harassing you know like what is then what is it going to be like where you can't even ask other people out because that you know there has to be a line somewhere no is that a line is asking somebody out a line but if you're working with someone in a workplace do you think you know especially if it's a corporation I think some corporations have rules about that but and I've heard I've heard some people like he would continue asking people out which is would freak people out I guess but I don't think like one asking on the dates the thing I I'm just even thinking about like stupid like farts or dick jokes

or just like I don't know I don't know where the line is with that like I don't know like there's this guy who I'm still very friendly with who would come up behind me and just start rubbing my shoulders just I was a 23 year old kid getting he freaked me out and we would laugh and but I can see with a girl it'd be a very different oh absolutely be a very different situation because that's some guys that's how they get into it about oh I'm really good at giving a massage oh really you're going to give me a platonic massage right here in the workplace like please but that's kind of creepy did you feel creepy when he did it the first time like I was just like it was just it was almost like it was it felt a little weird but it was it we just started laughing it was just

I never I never viewed it as as something bad and I don't know I didn't keep trying to do it well he would do it like we would do it he would do it all the time yeah well then every time he did it would he just go a little further like a little hair further a little hair further he never would touch anything but he would like he would hug me and like yeah it was uh and I don't know it's in a way because I can't I can't imagine what girls go through but I will part of me doesn't want them to be able to miss out on that because I know there's there's a lot of women who are editors and working the tech side of things and it wouldn't be fair really for them to like not be able to get positions or or they don't have the same yeah but the

experience the same thing is like here I am sitting with Joey and you right and Joey's talk told me three finger story jokes in a row like if we were in a corporate atmosphere that wouldn't be okay but it's but because we're doing this kind of stuff or you're doing editing where it's a it's a little bit more of a relaxed atmosphere there's you know as a woman when you're joking with a guy like that when it's cool and when it's not cool I fucking hate since I was a young man to put a fucking facade on for a woman I would rather not fucking talk to you and not be around you any woman if I ever had to put a fucking facade on because I had I got called out maybe 30 years ago you did I got called out by a woman at a car dealership

because she said I didn't include her in my conversations because I was trying to be a gentleman and one day she goes maybe I want to hear that pussy joke did you ever think about that and I felt so shitty because I would always crack stupid jokes but I would always pull guys to the side and about them and she really liked me she was an older woman if I was 22 she was 40 she had kids good looking as fuck you know good looking husband nice people so I didn't think I'd curse in front of her I was trying my hardest and one day she came over to me she goes let me ask you a question what don't mean you do I go we do everything we giggle she goes how come when you tell something dirty I'm not invited I don't know and she goes well you don't think I want to hear a good pussy

joke myself from time to time and I lost my so everything I suspected about myself at that time I threw out the window like everything my mom taught me growing up at that point so I've always included women like an equal I can't tell the story about anal raping somebody in front of somebody but if I'm gonna tell a good dick story or pussy story I want you to hear it right I want you to hear and understand because that especially if you're a comedian you know again I don't want to talk about black comics I don't want to talk about white comics I don't want to talk about German I don't like differentiating comics I put women comic I love I love everybody I want you just to be funny so when I'm in a car with you and we're taking a six-hour drive on a triple

one and if you think me and Lee have to sit there and be fucking Mormons because you get offended right I'm not treating you as a fucking comedian man right so there's so many thin lines here that you have to understand as what we're doing what am I gonna every time I see a hot chick I'm gonna look at me and go and you're gonna sit there like one of my third tinnigan just say that you like her ass guys you know that's what's part of a comedian right me taking my clothes off in front of you and just taking my dick on yeah that's not the right part of being a comedian do I am I mad at Louis and listen I never lived in those shoes I had different shoes I lived in and I'm sure he heard of the shoes I lived in neither like me so but I think that that's the other part of

I've never treated you like a second I've always treated you like one of my brothers in Jersey I don't give a fuck your feelings get hurt tough enough you're a fucking comic you know my friends in Jersey don't cut no corners they don't cut no corners and that's why you don't you don't tell like there are guys you wouldn't say and tell an anal rape story too I mean when you're out in a society yeah right I wish I did and have some fun from time to time but we're all I think the problem too is sometimes people can't pick up other signals with people you know like people and I think like if you're in a situation we're working together and then I'm the woman that says that to you yeah like a dirty joke it's cool we're all cool right but then the problem

becomes there are people out in society that aren't picking up the subtle cues of just because I'm saying I like a pussy joke to them they might see her saying I like pussy jokes is man I'm like some fucking pussy you know what I mean like people's filter is all different and that's the problem like how do we how are we gonna regulate uh this whole conversation when when people don't see things the same way you know that people has to have a different filter by the way I mean the majority of us have the filter of you know don't shit where you eat and be respectful obviously but how do you regulate the rest of it and and who do you throw in jail over it and who do you get rid of over it like what what is the the line you know do you think

Louis can come back do you think he can come back is absolutely do you think so do you think a guy like uh Bill O'Reilly can come back no yeah this is because it's it's over it over it over and he's such a fucking puke to look at and if you didn't know he was some type of dickhead before you watch if you don't if you don't like like the one who had me fooled was Charlie Rose he looks like yeah Felicia's father like I go over there and not even if I dated you know the type of dad's like hey how you doing hey look what it is come on in that's Charlie Rose to may grow up on Charlie Rose right you know but the fucking dude the Roy Moore oh that guy he's molested little boys too he was a Cub Scout leader they got fired I guarantee they gotta dig deep

that dude's just a dirty fucking freak yeah that's you know there's people you look at and it doesn't it doesn't you don't ever want to judge but like when you look at Harvey Weinstein I had heard stuff and when you look at him you could tell he's a fucking pig I mean he's just a fucking pig and then you can't blame the position he's in you know the position he's in he would do stuff like that that's what people in those type of creepy that's what's coming on every day every day as a CEO there's you know who I bet is at home fucking jumping up and down Cosby nobody has said a word about Cosby like right now Cosby's attorney is like this whole type we need three more of these white motherfuckers to get caught and we're gonna just gonna get thrown right out of fucking

well can we like Felicia can I ask you like the like the difference between and maybe Cosby's not a good example because he he raped people and he dragged them but with like Louie the thing that I was thinking about was at least so far it's always come out that he asked beforehand and then like the issue was at least in the articles that I read is that people who he asked some like because of who he was didn't feel like they could say no or didn't know what happened where you get paralyzed you don't know what to say look and I was thinking about this when you were talking about the girl that came over and you said that you had jumped into the swimming pool and you seen her little bushy bush and I was thinking and I'm and I'm

being completely fucking serious I was at the mall a week ago and it was a mom and her daughter who was like 18 and we were on the escalator and she had on short shorts and I she had like her she was it was so bushy it was like halfway down and I and I was paralyzed because when you when you come up for even if it's that lame and stupid I was like oh do I say something oh don't look don't you know you have that moment where you're just like what do you do and so when someone says y'all I'm gonna do this real quick as they're doing that you're paralyzed and and it's not always out of this tremendous fear it's just like what do I oh my job and if I say how do I exit how do I back out of this without losing my job that's what it is and then that's a problem like that

that's the part that I think and it doesn't justify what he did at all but if he's been doing this or if anyone's been doing it for 20 years when they're a normal person and a girl couldn't say yes or no and wouldn't be like wouldn't I think there's a job online or anything but now Louis just happens to have a tv show and now people are putting that on him oh now he won't like me or take me on the road if I say no yeah so like that it must be like that's something that you also have to think about like okay now I'm who am I and can I still do these things because like I don't I don't what I would another guy who did what Louis did be in the same amount of trouble I don't know well I mean uh yes you can trouble you can go to jail you can get in trouble

for that that's not okay you know the thing is that when people do stuff like that they're picking on people that they have power over you know they're not going out and doing it at a at a bar where they're really vying for the most beautiful women with seven under other hunky guys you know they're picking people that they have a shot with and that and and it's because they're in the position of power you know it's funny uh before we go on let me give some shout outs real quick before I fucking forget because we did a podcast this week but the fucking heat it was I don't know what the fuck happened doesn't matter first off I want to thank Scott Cunningham for putting the fucking page back with my man Dicky Syat VP operations I want to thank

Cassius Morris Jay Z Michael Loon Joe Rookland Gino Robles Troy Pierce Jordan Barnack and Ari knows don't forget Sunday Novo Monday Observatory San Diego and Tuesday Observatory Santa Ana and all you got it left is Thursday for Sacramento and my dates are done for the year I'm fucking retiring for 2017 I don't want to 2018 you know I did a podcast a couple years ago it was a great talk and it was something I learned in 1985 I learned in 83 I went back I got a call and I needed some place to stay and a girl called me and we were talking one day a girl that I had known in high school 1981 to 1983 in my neighborhood everybody you know if we were corkies together and we went to

a bar and we did coke at three of you went back to the thing we were fucking and we were friends and in the next day you'd go out with your girlfriends and nobody would say anything and we just move on it was fine and I came back from Colorado and we did coke a couple nights like two nights I remember the second night Felicia we were both in the same bed like we're both laying there and something made me not touch her like I turned over and I sucked in those days to come down from coke I would take an orange and take the guts out and suck on the peel and they said that that would bring you down whatever and after that I moved out I moved with friends and nothing ever happened between us and I came and I always regretted it like fuck I could have fucked

to that night she's such a fucking odd piece of ass and shit years went by and something happened and I got into a beef and she heard about it she bailed me out she even gave me money and she was a friend she helped me stay with her for a few days and I learned a valuable lesson that you can't fuck everybody I learned that lesson at 21 years old you can't fuck everybody there's nothing more than when I see a guy over 24 thinking that he could fuck everything when you're 18 you can fuck whatever you want you can go guys with 18 got no class they actually have no idea they're finding that sexual who the fuck they are sexually when you're 21 everybody you know those guys that musicians and you mean them and you can see them they'll work you and if there's no one window

give them two minutes they're working the girl next to you and then you sit there and go what the fuck by the way how come we haven't heard anything from musicians harassing women that's gotta be the next big chunk of people coming out well the really weirdest thing I had was uh not to go away from that I'll go back to it because you're gonna love this story but that's rule number one man you just can't fuck everybody you gotta look at some women and go you know what she's gonna be a fucking ally you know where she's gonna be this or something or and then if you do take them on professionally they have to be professional you have to be professional you know I've always kind of really believed in that you have to be fucking professional man you know who you're

gonna fuck and you know you're not gonna fuck when you're on the road you bump into victims and you know and then you go back to your room and you can't believe shit happens at the time you can't believe you asked somebody for a blowjob and they sucked your dick or you were doing coke you can't you know but that that's the main thing about this like even when you hear Trump's conversation that jesson on the bus with billy bush or billy burr whatever his fucking name is that jesson that wasn't just trump that was the voice of a lot of men that think that way oh absolutely you know i'm a star i can just go up to felicia and grab a fucking pussy and that you know that wasn't the voice of just trump that's that was the voice of a lot of men in that position

yeah of entitlement the voice of entitlement yeah you know and i'm no fucking saint but i'm no fucking sinner you know i've been on both sides of the fence i just i always kept that in mind that you can't fuck everybody you can't fuck everybody and why would you want to even sleep with somebody who's really not even fucking enjoying it why do you even think of that yeah why would you ever sleep with an ex you ever fuck somebody for three years but he had good dick felicia after six months you go over there for a dose of dick and it's a good dose of dick but how badly do you feel on the way home oh yeah it's like killing at a d club you ever go to a d club do you get a standing all right on the way home you're like i should shoot myself right

it's like you know i'm saying like that i i i i don't want to be with somebody who doesn't really want to be with me well that's because you have learned to grow your empathy muscle you know and people that do that don't have aren't having empathy they're they're unable to feel sorry or bad for someone else they're doing it because they're unable to put themselves in the other person's shoe i mean don't you think if someone's doing that they're also being a fucking bully i mean it's like the sexual component of it is bad enough but that's a bully personality you know no nice guys like sorry you know what i mean it's a fucking bully that's doing like all those guys are bullies you know i want to know the agents that were sending those girls

to those meetings at a hotel that's the next thing that's gonna come up it has to right eventually they have we have to shoot the messenger who sent all these young girls to the meetings they knew what the fuck was going on who hooked up these fucking meetings with with with fucking harvey how did they find out about harvey harvey just call felicia michael's up and says have a project for you meet me at the four seasons sweet 111 i want to know who the messenger was here did you ever think about that who the fuck there's the messenger on all these but the thing is it's like this it's the same thing is if we're on the road what do we do if you and i go on the road we're hanging out in your hotel room you know what i mean like there there is

a lot of normalcy in the business maybe that's the part that will change where if someone is living in new york but working on a project here in la and they have a suite in a hotel like there is an argument to be made for like it seems kind of reasonable in a in a way right but then the way he did it it wasn't like come to my hotel room it was like come to my let's have lunch oh let me go get you a script oh just walk with me to go get you a script oh you know what i put the script in my suitcase i'm not saying this is exactly how well you know you know it's all the you know i didn't bring the script down come on let's take a walk up to and i'll even tell you that's how they suck in you can wait down here but then i come on up yeah i want to show you

this other script i got it's those little pieces of crumbs that they throw out you and and you're like well i don't is this what guys do do meant because that's the thing if then we're two guy comics and we're hanging out in the room right if i'm the opener and i'm the girl comic and now two guy comics you're like oh listen you know a lot of we don't want to get in trouble or whatever and then you don't get to go in the room that sucks too because that's the best part is when everyone's equal in a private situation and you're having a great conversation or you're talking about a project or you know whatever it is you know so it's it's a complicated thing you know but i'm sure show i'm sure now show business will change in that they have to the whole business

has to change and i was talking with john fugal saying he's always is up on everything and he's like the mainstream media isn't even reporting how much sexual harassment is bubbling up in all businesses like people are getting called out and all little corporations it's not just uh media that but mainstream media isn't really reporting you know tell me the most about hollywood situation that they're blowing it up like harvey invented it and it's been going on in hollywood sister fucking 30s they've been abused and fucking women have been maryland Monroe i said a thousand times that poor that poor woman you know what but you know what it is it's like when you do a gig right and you have a comic friend that's booking the gig

and he's making and the gig the venue is giving him four grand but he's only giving you like 500 he's giving them the middle 250 and he's taking the other 30 200 whatever it is or 40 200 whatever it is it's like that is equated to me about the whole sexual harassment thing like everybody wants to take a little cherry on top no one minds if you take a little cherry on top if you're working with someone and you like that chick and you hit on that chick or you touch your shoulder and then and then you know it creeps her out but nothing is said that's you know okay we're not i'm not mad at that guy it's the people who are pigs about it it's the people that want to not just take the cherry on top they want to fuck you in the ass you know what i mean they want to

take that you know that's that it's the bully mentality of that though like how do we regulate that what's the answer for that there's no regulation on it because like you said look how many people 66 people came out after the fact you know i guarantee there's still another 50 women that just don't even want to think about it how did he even have time to work you know what i mean like that was just a lot of energy you know what does he do does he read the script he's got three guys he hired like people to hush the women up like all that drama that he had to constantly put out fires can you imagine just to get his dick sucked like jesus christ counterintelligence people to see what was out there about him and prepare us you know it's again what a tangled what we weave

right when we tangle to deceive i mean his you have to sit there at one point and go is it that worth it to have really was it that important i mean this is a different type of addiction this isn't coke or alcohol this is your addiction to the action of the lie the action of the whole this is a whole different fucking thing and let's say i don't know if he did coke but what would make you want you know he had so many lawsuits out there what would make you hire fucking uh people to find out what was out there about you i mean it's brilliant yeah yeah no the whole thing is just nuts you know it's all tangled web we weave and all we had to do we let's go back to the details going to the fucking best restaurant in town find yourself a little pretty girl

talk to her a little bit and say look and i'm married i'm 42 me and my wife barely talk i give her stab and once a year she doesn't let me come to her ears anymore i make fucking five million a month what if what if every month i gave you 10 grand and you got a brand new car i come over twice a month and give you a stab and like you're pussy i'm fine and i sign a fucking way but that's all you can do and i don't tell me that people don't do that not let you all the fucking time i know guys have got four of those bitches really i know a guy years ago that had four bitches out of payroll do they even sleep at night like i would how do they even tolerate all that anxiety over every every moment must be like oh fuck i'm gonna get caught i'm gonna get caught no no no no no no no

what caught you mind your fucking business felicia i give you five grand you shut your mouth i come over you suck my dick you give me a piece of apple pie i leave here i go fuck your ass it's none of of your business. Your rent is paid, right? The lights are paid. You're having a good time dancing and singing all night, right? We went to Al Capucco last month. Did you not suck a dick down there? Yeah, okay then. These guys just pay for that. It's called peace of mind sex. Peace of mind sex. I don't want to hear it. And every month I want to report from the doctor. I want to tip top Magoo check on that little monkey. I want to break him down in proteins, altruids, sperm counts.

Well, I was thinking about you, Joey, because a few months ago we had a couple episodes where you were really interested in sugar daddies. We were talking about sugar daddies. Vegas is full of them. No shit. I was walking around and there were guys, I was like, how did you, I would be embarrassed to walk around and be like the grandpa and the high school senior look like. It was crazy. It's an arrangement. It's an arrangement. You look good. You're tremendous. I got a wife and three kids. I don't have time for this. When we go to Vegas once a month, I'm going to put chocolate fudge on your ass home. You're going to get a check from me from the corporate office once a month. You know how it is. You know the fucking deal. Well,

I mean, there's a difference. And you sign it. I'm not mad at those kind of chicks. I'm not mad at those kind of guys. No, not at all. And you sign a confidentiality agreement. Dad, whatever happens, I don't take pictures of you. I don't do nothing. We're always covered. And if you do take my, you pull John Gotti. He got a beer. Wow. I hope you never make $11 million. John Gotti was fucking Mark Gaston's wife for a long time. Oh, really? Mark Gaston's wife was the actress. Yeah. She ended up marrying Stallone. Right. Right. Well, I think there was somebody else. Gotti was dating and he couldn't be seen with her in public. So he just would set her up with one of his friends. So they would go to Nickgames and you would be there, but you'd see the next

delete. Meanwhile, I'm taking you home. They called Beards. Right. Beards. You know what I mean? You know, I'm a fucking Ali Mali. I don't know much about it. I just survive. You know what I'm saying? It seems like you do have a plan though. No, no, no. I don't have a plan because I dated a girl who had a sugar daddy. And when she told me about it, it crushed me because I didn't know that existed. That's how naive I was. I'm hip on. You know, I'm watching the show. I was telling Terry before you came that I don't give a fuck about Martians. I don't give a fuck about politics. I don't give a fuck about nothing. I give a fuck about human behavior and intelligence and why were people judged as intelligence and were people don't judge as intelligence. And I've always loved

writers like Hemingway and all that type of shit. But I'm watching that show Horta Horta, the guy that was Pablo Escobar's hit man that turns himself in. In the first 40 episodes, it was so unbelievable that I had to really like investigate the guy and watch another documentary. And they said at the end, they said Pablo Escobar was a genius when it came to part of that stuff. But his main source was this young kid, this Horta Horta. And they're just people who God puts on this planet with that type of mind. Your axe is very good at what he does at his business. His business, God put him on this planet to be a great manager. You know what I'm saying? My wife is good with accounts. You're a great writer.

This fucking guy, I'm watching episode 20. And I forgot about it. And these are all true stories of what he was doing. There was a new warden in the prison that would do daily, get out of your cell, go through your cell, rip your mattress. And when your wives came in now, he had the police stick things up your wife's pussy to make sure they weren't bringing drugs or money in. So nobody could drugs anymore. So Lisa wanted to kill Horta Horta Popeye, right? So Popeye went into his cell, he was going to fuck you. I'm going to take care of your itch. You can't get none of your cocaine in here. I'm going to bring in the guys like you'll never do it. How do you think Horta Horta broke the cocaine? He hid it in the warden's car. So the warden would park in front of his house.

He would have one of his friends go at four in the morning and put a kilo underneath the car in the panel. And then they would drive the car in and they would pay a fucking cop to go take the kilo out. There's people that have different minds for different things. Like they just really come as natural. You know, Harvey's mind, you know, these people's mind, Cosby's mind. Can you imagine what Cosby was living with? You know, I always talk about Jeffrey Dahmer. Think about going home tonight, Felicia, eating a steak, right? You know, kissing your kids goodbye and then knowing that Lisa has under your bed dead. He's been under there for a week. Think of what mind is. What is that? Where they just don't have any,

not remorse. Yeah, they can't feel remorse. They call them psychopaths. I don't think it's way beyond the psychopath. What, listen, one time, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know what my friend told me about when we were kids, we got girls from Warrney, Felicia. Spanish fly. Spanish fly. Okay. So my friend told me about the Spanish fly. This is a cute little girl on my block named Felicia. I'm going to invite her over for lemonade and give her some Spanish fly. And you actually pass out Felicia and I, and I go in your shirts and I squeeze your titties. After a while, I feel a little remorseful and I don't do it. And I never do it again. Well, you should be in trouble for the first time. No, no, no. You'll wake up and just say, what the fuck? I don't think so, Joe. You'll

pussy will be okay. It won't be your pants won't be on backwards. Well, imagine if that happened today. Imagine, you know, I'm just saying one time, okay, my mind is, what makes you do that? How much power did Cosby have that he would actually bring him to his fucking trailer? With MPC around him and assistance and fucking producers and, you know, how many chicks said that he fucking raped him right in the trail that they came to the center of the show? Well, I was on a show like a comedy strip live comic strip live. I used to do with the laugh factor and the makeup artist told me, don't if you're ever on a stage with Cosby, you be careful. Like that was, it was out. This is like years and years ago. What year was this? This had to

been like 91, 92, maybe around there, three, I don't know, something like that. Yeah, so it was common knowledge. But what do you do if you know, if you hear something and you can't prove it and then, you know, because then what do you do if you do say something, you know, it's quantification, I'm not saying that that's the right thing to do. In your world define what's going on right now. I mean, what really offends you as a woman right now? Like what would a guy have to do? Like, you know, like would it be your ass? I'm just, I'm not even trying to be funny with you. I'm trying to just see what's really going on. I wanted to have you on today, not just to look at your beautiful face,

but just see the temperature. Because sometimes I get confused. I don't know what a lot of words mean. I'm not here molesting people. I'm not here doping people or groping anybody. But it's getting so sensitive that I'm really thinking of not even putting my arm around a woman doing a picture anymore. This is what gets on my nerves. Like when the whole Louis thing came out, there were, there was guy comics that were like putting up all the articles and, and, and were like, you know, fuck Louis, fuck this, fuck that. Yeah. And fuck Louis. I get it. But then like one of the guys the next day had a picture and of him and his three friends and, and they were like, we're going to go see the, we got into the screening of the Woody Allen movie. Yee-haw. And it's like that,

that's what is sickening about it. It's like everyone's knee jerk reaction is like, yeah, fuck that guy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but then people are still participating in the behavior if not doing the actual behavior in not understanding that, you know what I mean, how ironic that is. Like you're saying, oh, Louis is bad, but then you're excited to go to a Woody Allen movie who's been accused of molesting his own daughter. You know, so it, you know, like I, I just wish people would take a stance and kind of stick at it or like when this whole thing first came out and you and I had huge conversations about it and to be able to talk to you so that you see a different side of it because of what I'm saying. And I think that's what the great

thing is now is all these women are coming out. I mean, I'm no spring chicken and I had a guy touch my fucking puss two years ago in a club, another comic that didn't have any money and that's a drag, you know what I mean? But, and the fact that that happened to me, like someone who's not 21 and, you know, and isn't worldly, that a person has that much privilege that they can do that, that's not okay. And to know that, like with my ex-husband, you know, it's such a complicated thing to talk about, but that when that's touched my ex-husband's life in business that he's experiencing, you know, you know, going through that as someone's protector, manager, whatever. And to know at the same time, his ex-wife is also being assaulted. That's how much sex abuse

and sexual harassment and bullshit is going on right now. It's like, you know, every girl you know has five different stories, you know, like it's we're all connected by it. And we have to figure out what the right thing to do about it is. And it's good that we're having this conversation finally, because what we, and it's good that media and comedians kind of kicked it off in a way, it's terrible, but at least we're trying to take care of it. You know, they fire Matt Lauer, Louis Loss shows, at least there is a repercussion. Yet the fact that Trump is in the White House and it's been accused by even more women is ridiculous. It's ridiculous. Like everyone's got to be on the same page or shut the fuck up, you know, and it's not fair at all. And it's your

sisters. And I hate to be this person. I'm just going to stop myself because you know, the whole fucking spiel, you know, like this mean you won't take pictures of my nuts. I'll take it. Let me get up. Can I, and can I have the cocksucker right in front of it? Sorry to be that person. Sorry. Sorry. I wanted you to tell me what it was today. At the same time, I'm trying to teach my sons not to be a misogynist and giving them condoms to have sex and saying protect women and be respectful and don't share pictures of a girl sends you a picture. And I'm trying to do that to my son. You know what I mean? Like, like we have to figure it out because what about for your daughter or when Lee has kids and you know what I mean?

Like we got to figure it out. Anyway, my apologies. Well, thank you. Thank you for your, this is why I wanted you on today, especially after a lot of things. How weird because he's shocked that that was shocked me. He seems like the sweetest guy in the world. And you feel cheated as an American, whether it was Louis, your Cosby now. Yeah, right. Something that you really liked in my growing up and they kind of let you down. I mean, you know, Matt Lauer, my life still goes on. I still got to go pay for groceries or rouse and we still got to pay the mortgage, but it just takes away a little bit from you. Absolutely. Even my youngest, because we would always watch as we eat breakfast, a TV in the kitchen and watch NBC, the Today Show. And today

he woke up as a young teenage man, you know, and looks on his phone while he's in bed. He's like, fuck Matt Lauer too. And, and feeling like, oh, well, you know, that was someone I looked up to. There was somebody do have to tell you, I got a brilliant book from Bob Loringas, who was family out of Chicago, big white socks fan. I loved the death. I read a fucking disturbing chapter that I had heard about before, but it was the Jimmy Page, whatever to it when he tore it with a 13 year old girl. Yeah. You know, I mean, he fucked that girl for years. Jimmy Page was a grown man. She was 13. And why doesn't anybody talk about that? What do you want to do? It was a 1973 tour of booze, honestly. I take it in court. I know. The attorney will say that's the first thing.

I said, excuse me, before, what drugs did you consume that night? It was a Led Zeppelin show. Was it not? Were you sober at the time? Yeah, I was a member. No, you weren't. You did acid. You do not remember. She was 18. Now shut the fuck up. What's his name? David is niece or nephew. The piano player. Then he dated a 16 year old girl. Billy Joel. No, no. Liberace. No. I know you said voice. No, the other guy, the guy that's really fast on the piano in the 60s, the 50s. Oh, Jerry, Jerry Lee Lewis. Yes, he dated his cousin. Yeah, he's Roy Moore, right? He dated his cousin. No, no, he dated his cousin. Yeah, and she was way younger, too. She was like 16 and shit like that. I thank you. And don't forget Felicia Michaels, one woman show premieres

January 26 and 27. And I'm also going to be at the Denver improv on Valentine's Day. Are you with Chris Monseca? That's a good show there. Chris is a good fucking dude. He got me in the business. Let me talk to you people about two things. And we'll call it a fucking afternoon. All right. Number one, everybody's looking for a hustle. When you drive for the right right sharing app, every trip can feel like a walk in the park. With lift, you can pick your own hours and drive when you want. Lift makes driving the best gig in the world. So the more you drive, the more money you make. That's the type of action you get. Lift knows that their drivers is what keeps them moving. So they do everything they can possible to make sure their drivers are happy on every trip.

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want it. Maybe it's because it's not the underwear. It's the problem. It's the kind of fucking underwear. Let me tell you about me on these. That's the only underwear that makes an amazing gift. They're soft, flexible, flexible waistband, three times softer than cotton. And let me tell you something. My camouflage ones are four years old, and I still got them. That's all I wear is me on these. I wear them to jujitsu. I wear them to the gym. They keep your nuts comfortable. They keep the sweat out of there. They got the mold door, which keeps the moisture out of your nut sack. And that's what you want to ask when you're a young man and you're dating. Nobody wants to pick a woman up with sweaty, stinky nuts sack. So me on these is the undies for you. Me on these made

underwear the perfect gift that everyone's going to love you for. And it's a goddamn holiday miracle. This year, don't give underwear. Give me undies. What I'm going to do is this. It's a holiday season. I'm going to get your 20% off the best underwear and socks you'll ever wear. I'm going to get your free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee. Go to me on these dot com slash joey. Again, that's me on these dot com slash joey. The best underwear you'll ever put on. They're not even underwear. They're fucking like spacesuits. You follow me for your nuts sack. Don't forget, you're going to join jujitsu this year and try to get make better yourself. If you're a fat fuck Fuji sports dot com 15% off code church. Start off with the purple G or the lightweight.

I'll go right for the separato and knock yourself out. And don't forget the holidays are coming. December is going to be dead. Lee's going to have to strip that month to make extra money. So instead, if you're going to buy something on Amazon, click on our banner. Where's the banner at? Just go to joey Diaz dot net. That's right there. Go to joey Diaz dot net and the banners right there and legal to piece of the fucking action. All right, I want to thank Felicia Michaels for coming again. Most importantly, I want to thank all you motherfuckers for being soldiers. I'll see you Sunday night in the Novo theater or Monday night in San Diego. I love you guys. Have a great weekend. Stay black.

I hear your heartbeat but you're never there. Like on the rush you hunt me everywhere. All day long I've been for you lonely in the night. I tried to live alone but I just can't get it right. You know that this sounds like a fainted desert. Deadly moving in the city. I'm lost in a fainted desert. In a fainted desert without you.

I've done this, I'm thinking now that you're not here. I know your reasons and they're still not clear. All I'm sure of is what I got to lose. I tried to be a better loser but it's just no use. You know that this sounds like a fainted desert. Deadly moving in the city. I'm lost in a fainted desert. In a fainted desert without you.

Walking the sun's down and I'm searching for you. Waiting on a wind that whispers out your name. I'm so hungry and I can't wait for all of our love faces. No directions like home to the world's my way to say. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. You know that this sounds like a fainted desert. Deadly, moving in the city I'm lost in a painted desert

In a painted desert without you In a painted desert without you Where is mine, where is theirs? Where is mine, where is theirs? Where is mine, where is theirs? Where is mine, where is theirs? Where is mine, where is theirs?