Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #540 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: December 7, 2017

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt what his three days on tour with Wheeler Walker Jr were like and why he likes those kinds of shows. Joey also tells Lee about his very first days in comedy, and how fear can hold us back. This podcast is brought to you by: FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Amazon.com - Go to Joeydiaz.net first and click on the Amazon banner to support the show   Recorded live on 12/06/2017.


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Shit What's happening you bad motherfucker's uncle Joey here with his favorite Christ killer Lisa. Yeah, we're going old school today It's a second podcast of the month First off, I know you're concerned The fires are closed by bro. This shit started Tuesday night when I was driving back from San Diego I think whenever night I was driving back from San Diego Monday Yeah, my super who's a tough fucking car and when I got the Irvine on the five Which you guys I'm talking you sound like Joey like yeah, I know what a fuck Irvine the five is

My point is the wind was fucking so strong that night. It was so fucking strong So when I was coming home that night about 1130, maybe 11. I called Lee. I saw a firetrucks already So when I woke up the next morning my wife, you know And you could smell it outside kids that were in Sunland and Sun Valley Which is real close to North Hollywood where we are now. So You know my heart goes out. I mean, I had a close to fucking 405 this morning. I mean, it's a messier guy It's thank God. I don't have to travel over the hill or anything. I mean everybody who's got meetings today I know for a fact the fucking canceling shit because it was it was even hard getting here today

Oh, have you ever driven on the freeway when there's been fires? I've done it. I've had it happen twice since I've lived here a few years ago It was just it makes this look like a it made it like it made mine look like a like a match or something like a little brush Fire, but like the side of the 405 maybe four or five years ago caught on fire and There was heat like I was driving south so it was on the opposite side of the freeway and I could I could feel the heat through my window and That was in that and then seeing the the end of the videos this morning of the 405 just completely on fire. I Can't imagine and then a few months ago in Burbank on off the 210 which was closed yesterday

The 210 had it too like just little it was towards the end of it, but it was still like little spots of fire It's you don't realize how scary it is until you see it You could smell it a lot of schools were closed today You know, I mean some of the schools didn't eat the fucking clothes, but the problem is the air you could feel it Some people really react. I You know, I feel a little bit my wife. I get tasted. Okay, whatever You know, I don't I don't feel it that much. I didn't find ashes on the fucking car this morning. Yeah I'm mindless covered yesterday. Yeah yesterday. Yeah, but not this morning

So I think whatever was close to us except of Ventura, but still my heart goes out to all you people what you're living through It's a fucking nightmare. I also want to thank the people who came out to the Wheeler Walker show It was a fucking adventure, you know, and there's a stand-up comic guys To do a rock venue. It's very hard Because the comedians are standing up the audience is standing up And when you stand at your attention level something happens people go crazy Ari likes to do those rooms. I enjoy him from time to time the tough in my skin I just run through you have to you know every three minutes. Where's Lee?

Where's Lee? Well, obviously he's in my asshole like I brought him in the fucking backpack, you know And then they get it's like it's like they don't stop like where's Lee where's Lee? I don't know. He's playing the fucking bongo somewhere. Do you see him anywhere around here? No, so don't worry about it Let it go So but no you have to fucking fight your way through that it's not like being at a comedy club What security comes over and says the next word you say you get thrown out so you like you wouldn't even know it's hand-to-hand combat comedy That's called hand-to-hand combat comedy. That's where you go when you want to get really good You do 20 of those deals as an opening act for a band

And that's how you just learn to fucking get the toughest skin in the world Although, you know when I when a lot of comedians have come on the show we discuss triple runs The reason why triple what makes the triple run so hard are then they're not standard comedy rooms Yes, some of them have a monthly comedy show So you train people from small towns to come there, but some of them are like in sports bars, okay? So you go like Marty's a ball sports bar in Montana, you know, it's they're there to watch fucking sports So all of a sudden the comedian goes on stage. That's called hand-to-hand combat comedy. They got that back to you They're watching Oklahoma. They have their back to you. Yeah, like they don't so that is one of the early stages of comedy

That's what toughens you up when you go home After a night of doing comedy in a situation like that You don't think about the laughs you got you think about the people who had their backs turned to you And then you say to yourself you're not gonna go back there But this is what builds your mind is a comic you start going back there to get little goals Like when I started I started a place called the broker. I started at the comedy works in Denver But where I really developed where I really developed my comedy mind I got out of the hand that to them was at the broker

Because there wasn't no going to the stage Joey Diaz. There was none of that shit Like I just walked up there cold and it was steak night So it was 1595 or 1495 For a baked potato a steak a salad and a nice tea or something like that and a dessert and then you got a free comedy ticket So these these are people that just went to get a steak from the broker The brook was known for good steaks Tuesday night was slow and they just handed them a comedy ticket with their dinner. Yeah, they just handed you cut You got no the comedy show the comedy show was in the steak room

So if you want to eat the steak, you have to listen to the bullshit with the comedians Was the owner like a big comedy fan or something? Well, the owner was a guy with a wig at the time that was a sweetheart of a guy He owned four of them and they were all very unique restaurants because the first thing they did was bring you a shrimp ball I told you about yeah already and they had the woman's bank Where you had dinner basically in little rooms that were where you took your money Where you took your safety deposit boxes to look at your what was in there in the box box that they turned them into little Kitchens of the little tables

So and they had a curtain ladies and gentlemen so you could actually go in those places and have sex While you were eating they would bring you shrimp and you could get like go down on your wife It was crazy. Was that allowed or did you do that just to kind of have you give the waiter a 20 times Don't come back for 20 minutes. Oh my god and tell them there's not to let the little Mexican kid come back They're either you're gonna be under the table eating your wife. I don't fucking know Lee But anything is possible, but my point was that they just did it Triple approach to them and they said yeah, let's do comedy and I was very lucky They don't do comedy no more and they don't even consider it somebody

Somebody who worked there reached out to me recently said listen, bro You know we listen to the podcast. I just want to let you know that you're not even allowed on the premises What did you do there It ended good but not like it doesn't sound like it It was just dog. It was Mike. It was my teeth cutting it was a job I had from December of 91 Six months into comedy I got this job and it lasted me till January of 93 until I got five

Wow, that's two years. That's crazy. So it was basically now It's like a year and a month or something like that because it was 91. I Had just gotten separate. Yeah, 91 was when I started so it was December of 91 December of 92 is a year And I think I'm January of 90s. We got it. I got five to four the week of the Super Bowl Because I pushed the manager into the bookshelves as you walk in there. There's all the library books That's funny because I was thinking about you know, you ever hear that song. No, you're never gonna get it No, you're never gonna get it. Not this day. It's by some Duet a four quartet from the fucking 90s

When I started there at this place I they were having You look at your life and you think of the opportunities and how they pop up, you know, I get out of prison. I Get a job I become a good roofer and become an estimator the whole time wanting to do comedy but not having the balls to even Consider it like wanting in the worst way possible Like just wanting it so badly Lee that I was walking around and now thinking back that was what my problem was

They were so I was so I Wanted to do comedy so bad, but I was so fucking scared Like I could just telling you this right now people I have tears in my eyes and I'm holding my plate thing like I'm gonna fight I I can't explain to you how hard it is to live your life and want to do something, but you're so Fucking scared like I was in prison. I had my mother I had nothing going on. I was a thief and I had nothing going on I'm finally married and I got a little baby and I fucking got everything going But I fucking wanted to do comedy in the worst fucking way and I didn't know a how or

But let's cut this shit. I was just such a fucking pussy. I was such a fucking pussy Lee And and and this desire came just from the dice tapes and like the the one to the cabin jail I had a halfway house in 89 and this desire started January of 1990 This desire close to it. Let's just assume because I remember a 9 89 89 I was in a halfway house and I rented the downstairs and brought the Andrew Dries clay intake right and at that time I thought it was very funny and I was angry because I

thought that These are the thoughts I had in my head for years what he was saying So you're mad at him that he said it or yes, I was mad at him that he said it before I had the balls to say And it leads just so weird to me to think about you having fear about my god fear Like wanting to do it and it was a closet thing. I didn't tell anybody Okay, so like it wasn't there's no way I would say it because if I told somebody then they would pressure me So like let's go back to 1990 though. Okay, you're thinking like you're like, okay I'm hoping open Mike tonight. I'm making no, no, no, I'm making

700 a week flat as a fucking estimator. Okay. Okay, and I'm making Maybe 2000 a weekend working houses like re-roofing houses after hailstorms Wow, okay, putting half of that up my nose. I'm putting the other half in the bank I'm giving the rest of my wife, you know the whole thing. I'm living my fucking life I wasn't doing badly. I Wasn't doing bad financially. I

Had a condo. I had a fucking car. I had a You know, I had like this life that I had always yearned for This was it. This is it guys right or wrong. You just came out of prison. You've been a loser Oh, you're fucking life I mean you you had it down to you a fucking 17 and then the coke and the bullshit and all the shit in my head Took me into a a level was was just disgusting and I ended up in jail for it. Okay, so let's just talk about that I come out. It's 90. I

Got this this just pops up and fucking six or seven months, you know, it took me about a Year of roofing like nine months of roofing to realize that the company needed an estimator We were they were the company I was working for was my brother-in-law's company But they again were too scared to fucking go out and get work So they look the guys. Let me tell you what was going right now. So They're subcontracting work, which means somebody else was getting the work and keeping half the profits But I was still making money. So I didn't give a fuck Until one day I was on a family thing and they're all talking about how all these jobs are

Subcontracted by this big roofing company and they're really getting killed and I go, then why are you doing them? Why don't we go out and bid with them and then I like that'll take us to a much away from my job The problem was they were two great roofers, but they weren't as There were three great roofers that the brother-in-law and the two brothers with what tremendous that they the guys Tremendous, I mean when you talk about roofers like I'd say people certain people are born For certain things. I learned something every day from my brother-in-law's They would the two pollocks the Kings. They were brilliant fucking young guys, man when it came to Figuring out shit. They live for that shit

Like they went to work, you know, when you lay roof, it's not just going up there You're gonna bump into different situations every day. They had done it so long and they were in this If I was in my 30s, they were probably 35 36 They were doing this as they were in high school. They knew these jobs backwards and forwards They could do this shit in their sleep Right if they haven't seen that they could know how to fix it Oh my god, they were brilliant and all we did was take off old roofs and then put on new rules

We never fucking re-roofed everything was burnt. We had we so we would have to cut the old roof take it off Put the insulation down put the wood down wherever it was needed and then blade a rubber And then we used to do ballasted roofs, which means their roofs that you put rocks on You ever go to a roof and they have rocks on the roof that means that it's a ballasted roof that It's it's rubber, but it's held down by this rocks So the rubber can then you seal the sides with glue and you put a kind of like a metal molding I forget what it's called now. It's been 20 years. I'm sorry and that's what that's called. We specialized and rubber re-roofs

We did hot roofs once in a while, but my brother-in-law started was very dangerous You ever go into a place and you see two fucking people downstairs with masks on and and they're pumping hot Todd were roof. Oh, yeah, things tend to blow up. Jesus. So my brother-in-laws were involved with a couple of them blowing up So now that they were roofers they just committed to That those type of roofs. So one day I took it upon myself To contact like that. We did work with Firestone We did work with a couple different rubber companies Carlisle Carlisle was our number one rubber at that time and I myself ladies and gentlemen, so you know

thought that How nice would it be if I could create my own position in this company? So what I did was I contacted all the rubber companies I Told them what what I did how I did it how I knew about their product and how I wanted to be representatives for their products and They sent me to estimating school So I think it was either Carlisle a good year with Firestone one of those It was I think it was Carlisle at that time who sent me to a seminar For like eight weeks. I did this guy's even though I was doing drugs and selling coke

I stuck to this fucking little seminar shit and did they expect you to only sell Carlisle? And you're gonna do that anyway. I was gonna sell everything. I didn't give a fuck. I was gonna push Carlisle But if if they were set on if it meant the job, I would get certified in all of them So that's what I did. I got certified in all of them You know, I hustled away to get certified in all of them. So I started bidding. Well, guess what guys? I started getting jobs It took about 90 days, but I started like I learned how to get blueprints I learned how to read the blueprints. So wait, so how does how do you even bid?

How do you even know people people just like have a you go around again like everybody knows? I'm a fucking stiff, but I'm a salesman and I know how to fucking create a position There's nothing more than learning how to what do what I tell people when you call me. What do I tell you every time? What are you doing? I'm putting the pieces together That's a true statement True and true Right now Lee you have a position your position to come in here do two podcasts with me and go home One day you're gonna be at home alone. You're gonna go. Whoa

There's a complete different position there and I'm gonna create it and I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna double my fucking salary That's how people do it ladies and gentlemen and you don't do it by selling it You do it by doing it and showing it to the employer and then once you've made him money Or once you show him there's a potential for money. They'll let you create the fucking position People don't do this anymore. My brother-in-law's had no idea that I was even doing this Until one day they were like, what were you this afternoon? I said I went down to put a bit in on the fucking building downtown And they're like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, yeah, I got that bit in I got another bit here

I got another bit there. I was bitten fucking everywhere and then bam. I Got like this job. I don't know the numbers and the parameters people It was fucking 20 years ago and like Chinese to me. They closed the deal So you were doing it for your brother-in-law's company. Yeah, so I would go to it now. I created my own position I would go to work with them at 7 30 Help stock the roof get on that fucking roof work as hard as everybody else And at one o'clock once the roof was torn up the hard heavy work I would eat lunch with them change my shirt wash my face and I leave and I go on construction sites and start bidding

Construction they gave me a truck. They gave me a cell phone And I started bidding dog And then that process now it became a bidder now I was not only in the now I had my own job It's like the opposite of selling so now they were going now became a stocker also So now I was stocking supplies for the job So I would call Web Rocky Mountain roof and supplies at the time. I opened up an account with them You know, no, I had my own account with them and I would call them up and say deliver Three rolls of this to this place deliver these tools this amount of stone

I would call the stone company and set the drop for 3 30 every afternoon by 3 30 We had to be done with the roof So the stones would come because you have to lay the stones out that day So none of you cut the roof throw it off Lay it all down put the insulation down and then put the rubber down on top and then Put all the caulking and all that shit around and do the ceiling around the pipes and the air conditioners and all that That all has to be done by 3 30 because at 3 30 a truck comes and you don't want to hear no stories And there you are with these things up on the fourth floor

With a thing connected to you a tube and rock shoot out of that Oh, and it's you and me brother and you got to go and spread the rock So take it and then spread it You push it to the farthest end and then you open up the valve and the rock falls and you run back and you load the rock That's what I used to do every day That's what I used to do every day man Wow, and then I created my own position. Everything was going great. Okay, I Got a great job guys

But in Colorado when you're a roof or it snows So they on those days you might go fix leaks People have leaks shit like that. You do little repairs You know, you're always gonna have a leak there. There's always something. You know, it's no fucking 82 inches And all of a sudden the next day is 90 degrees. What do you think's gonna happen in one of those days? I Was at home. It was January. It was freezing at and I was at home. My wife was working The baby was with my in-laws And I went to the video store

It was the first time I had been alone in months And for some reason I rented Something but I rented punchline. It was a movie about stand-up County with Tom Hanks and Sally Struthers And I brought it home and the kid from Angel Salazar that was on the podcast was in there Bunch of comedians the Wayans and it was a story about a comedy club and a big-time comic and He becomes really Roseanne's husband's in it. Okay, you know, you know, certainly. No, I don't think so. It's a great movie It's it's a great see what if they have a clip of anything from punchline Tom Hanks

And I'll see if there's like a scene that really got me started when I saw that movie that day I probably watched it three Fucking times. I remember doing that with the like the VHS from the video store. Okay, like three times Like I watched it three times in a row Because at that moment it let me know that that's Right there like I was miserable in my marriage at that time it it seemed like We didn't love each other which we didn't really at this point anymore

I'm not gonna tell you that uh at this point. I was just a guy working You know, I was just fucking working And I had a little office in the back And I would sneak my little cocaine from time to time but you know beside that I Scroll down let's see what the Because there's a couple things that he says in there that were pretty that got me But anyway, it don't fucking matter so I watched that movie and

Right away. I wanted to fucking I just clicked with you right away. I wanted to do stand-up and something happened that They got a job in New Jersey Your company my company so all the I had At that time the company was based out of New Jersey, but we were living in Boulder They were doing a job in Denver and that's how I got on it was an 18-month job But the 18 months was now over. I got him a few jobs

But now that was over Okay, so they came to me one day and they go listen if you want to you could come to the East Coast with us and Roof, we got a couple jobs back there It might be three four days a week because I have we have to keep our guys employed or you could stay here and Keep bidding jobs and we'll come back you schedule them and we've been By this time I already had my little roofing company going where I just did residential homes And you were good enough just to do with you and a friend me and a friend to do residential homes on the weekends

Got it. So I had burned down a little bit. We were doing them every weekend We did about 20 weekends in a row and then we took like three weeks off We did another 10 and then because he roofed all week, right? See you he roofed on a big scale also all week so the crazy thing was that Sorry about that people had a little fucking allergy to the smoke is killing people So here I am so I go, you know what? My buddy calls me one day in the middle of all this now. It's like February of of

90 of 91 Okay, and one day before they leave to Jersey. They go we got one day on this place Can you do it with us? And I go, yeah, come on. I don't give a fuck absolutely and they go get the supplies for us And we'll meet you there tomorrow morning at 6. Well, guess what happens the next morning I wake up and there's 22 inches of fucking snow But I shoveled my way out and I head out there because the supplies are still gonna drop and I will never ever

ever forget that day as long as I live because The snow was coming down so hard people that I couldn't see four feet ahead of me But I didn't have a jacket on Like I had a hooded sweatshirt and oh my god clubs on because it wasn't cold It was like this really weird blizzard. So by the time I got I think we were doing the job in our Vada And by the time I got to our Vada, they had shoveled the streets. The ladder was up My brother-in-law had shoveled the section of the roof and we were just waiting on supplies So we're up there and it's not cold, but it's you can't see you can't fucking see guys

You know for me, it wasn't cold at that time for my one brother-in-law He had a jacket on and whatnot now There's another two or three guys standing around and I walk up and I go on the supplies here and all sudden boom as soon as I said that the truck comes down the block and And You know like with a high low they pick the stuff up and then you have to get it on the roof and take the chain off It and then you disperse it to wherever we need to do the job This whole time I'm on the roof shoveling. I'm working with them. But now it's 10 o'clock the stuff comes and

We you know now everybody starts to work But everybody was starving And they go Joey, what do you want to do? Do you want to order food and they go no because I had green chili Oh shit, okay, so I would go over there, right order the breakfast and While they were fucking preparing the breakfast and have a bowl of green chili and I'd read the paper So this is my last day of roofing with them for about three months It's February they gotta go home and you're gonna be out of a job so I'm on a job Okay, so I'm gonna go home. They're gonna go home if they need me they'll call me

But I wasn't really out of a job. I just was gonna have a few weeks off to sell And if they picked up in Jersey, I was gonna go back. Okay, gotcha. Okay, so what we had to do is wait with the roof We had done for 18 months. There was a leak when we knew there was gonna be a leak that We knew there was gonna be a problem. It was a certain section that was fucked up So I'm at the restaurant ladies and gentlemen it's my last day at work with my brother-in-law until I Sell another job or whatever. I was not worried. I had my little side gig I had a little money put away and

As I'm eating the bowl of chili There's a rocky mountain post right next to me Okay, just laying there. You ever been the ever consider the table ladies and gentlemen. There's a fucking newspaper there And I don't know what I didn't get if you know the Rocky Mountain news It's not like a traditional paper that you open it sector of the New York Post you open it from like a book like a book Okay, but for some reason When I opened it I went to open it to the sports page I can only you just take like 16 pages or whatever the fucking is like you take a guess

And when I opened it it landed on the page And it was a picture of a stand-up comedian with his hand up in the air and a microphone and it said Stand-up comedy and Denver the new explosion Lee my fucking heart stopped and how long ago how do you watch the movie a month? But up to this month. I'm all fucked up in the head. I watched this movie now I'm more fucked up, and I'm not gonna lie to anybody. I did 9-1-1 comedy clubs 4-1-1 comedy clubs, and I did call the comedy works after I watched punchline and

They said it's Tuesday nights. You have to call a week in advance, and I guys. Do you think I called fuck? No, so like that's what I wanted to ask you so like you're like, okay call week in advance when you're it's Tuesday morning And you you're like it's the day to call. Why don't you call? petrified of what I Had the American dream and now I want to live my life like a nomad. I've been living it all my life was I fucking stupid You know, I got a wife. I got a little kid. I'm becoming an estimator on my own Oh, so you saw like you saw that the career change I almost had a college degree, but the school wouldn't let me go back on campus because of my felony

You know, I mean I just had all these disasters And what do you want me to do? I'm gonna quit everything to become a stand-up comedian That's a fucking pipe dream But I open up this newspaper and it says stand-up comedy blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah It's huge six the explosion of Roseanne. Now. This is February of 91 Roseanne was fucking hugely Like in the TV, it's like King of Thrones

It had just dethroned Cosby's Cosby's had been number one on Whatever night on fucking for eight years in a row nobody beat him Jesus could come on playing the drums for the Beatles and they still couldn't beat out the fucking Cosby show and Roseanne beat him So Roseanne was the shit now So all the article was about was about Roseanne and how she became a comic and Denver and All what's going on in Denver now the explosion of comedians in Denver the open mic scene And

Then they have a thing that says how to become a comedian And they had all these things that you could do But they had one right there in Boulder and it was starting in about a week and a half And again, I proceed out for the first three or four days and Then it was $35 and And I go I buy cocaine five days a week for fifty bucks a hundred bucks. I can't go spend thirty-five dollars And I went I spent the thirty-five fucking dollars

And and so like you you were already thinking I want to be a stand-up comedian full-time not it only Not at all. Please don't embarrass me. Make me cry not at all. I thought I was a fucking loser on a lucky streak That's it who the fuck was I to be a stand-up comedian. I just wanted to do it it It was eating me alive. How bad I wanted to do it, but Who the fuck am I Lee? What the fuck have I done? What are my chances? I'm lucky. I'm walking around I got people looking for me because I own thirteen hundred dollars in Jersey still and I'm gonna be a stand-up comedian Who the fuck am I kidding? I went to prison

So what like what was so exciting about it like the crowd cheering like a little laughing like what was What drop drew you to it in the movie? When I watched the movie or when I read the article and the move like what about the movie you're like seeing them Maybe you want to do it? the movie seemed Like the book I read in prison about Lenny Bruce It seemed like these guys that Drop out of society

In a way You know, they all had day jobs, but at night they hung around this comedy club And I know what this feeling is like, you know, and it's like If you know what comedy clubs are like Tuesday Thursday Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday on the off nights And then Fridays and Saturdays of the guys of Crystal Lee Joe Rogan myself We coming on Fridays and Saturdays, so Tuesday Wednesdays and Thursdays belongs to the local comedians And that's a bond, you know when Josh Wolf comes on the podcast and you guys hear us going back That's not a it's not that's a bond of 22 years of

Him knowing my inner demons and me knowing his little demons. We were there We were there in that same dingy fucking basement three nights a week Weekend week out for two years You know who has money, you know who's eating your french fries You know who's doing drugs, you know who's stealing jokes and you need that That's where the character comes from but at this point. I didn't know these things. I just knew I wanted to be a part of something Lee I thought I wanted to be a criminal and that I didn't want to be living out of Jail is not the place to be if anybody's been in jail, please explain to me. It's it's oh, I don't need to

It's not cool. It's nothing Don't listen to that shit. You're freedom Somebody telling you what to do and what time to do it. Nothing's worth your freedom. So I knew The criminality if I would do something criminal It would be something that would send me to jail. They always had this chance of getting out of but never again Was there gonna be a machine going involved? Never again was it gonna be a two ounce drug by Nothing. I was gonna live under the radar. You want to buy an A-ball?

I got to know you a long time. You want to buy a quarter-round something like that shit for me to make money? I had a really that still seems dangerous to me, but And I know when you're making a buy for a cop I already you know I'm saying like I already know these things so I Didn't tell anybody I lied to everybody including my wife And I would tell them that I was doing something on Sunday. I forgot what I told them Because at that time I was still involved with the Boulder County like system like the county system Like I still had to go to meetings once a month As a felon and fucking they talked to me about job opportunities and career shit or whatever

And I didn't say nothing to nobody The class was at one o'clock on Sundays for three weeks in a row. I Didn't tell a fucking soul people not my dearest friends in Jersey. I told nobody And I went every Sunday, and I went to the back of the class. There's probably 13 people And I kept my mouth fucking shut I didn't say two words And I think like the second week We started talking about ideas and he asked me and I told him

What I thought cuz he gave his homework and then the third week the homework assignment was actually to go on stage That was it. There was no fucking around What do you would you go home in class out here in LA? They milk you to death ladies and gentlemen They put you to the 12 week course and then you perform at the improv For $400 in front of all evil agents. Listen, there's nobody in the audience and the percentage rate of those people that stick with that class are like three percent So my class was basically a couple of like chefs

real estate people people who worked in offices and It's it's crazy. I'm telling you the story, you know, it's just I walked in there and None of the people in there appeared like there was stand-up comics Like none of them made the cut from my visual eye What it took like to click I thought of everybody. I thought everybody had to be like Richard Pryor and These people were just all too fucking plain But that did you think you look like a stand-up comic? No, no, I thought guys by week two By week two, I thought that maybe

This would have this was a great experience Like next week I'm gonna get to go up and that's gonna be great. I'll never do it again I See you thought you were gonna scratch that edge and get it out with that was good enough for me guys At that point I was so insecure about my opportunities and possibilities But that was it. That was it. I'm fucking I'm about I'm about this is like ono psychiatrist because this is terrible I Thought that no that this is it. I will go to one more class

Three minutes he won. No, no a minute. He wanted us to do a minute like like kill toning time Yeah, I'm doing time one minute and man guys that week was a fucking horror show I'm taking myself there back right now like it was just a horror show because I couldn't tell anybody Nobody you think they'd laugh at you or what did you think I didn't think anything? I just it's like It's like some one of your friends coming up to you and telling you they have HIV Like hey, that's what it felt like to me like for Joey. What you did what? Are you fucking stupid when you get out of stand-up comic, but so I did the third fucking thing

The third class the third class. I did my minute and then he consults with you at the class and I made myself like number eight And what you did was just stood outside the classroom and you went in Like they announced you come into the stage. No, no, no, no, no, okay Oh, no, no, no, you sat there in front of the class and you drew from a hat the first time and I can't tell you what number I was. I don't know. I know that when I went to get my review So after the class he closed up it was a three-hour class

And we all stood in the hallway while he went back in and then he went you went in and he tell you your review What you should do what he thought you should do And when I went in there, he was a white dude from Long Island He was cool, you know, he seemed pretty fucking cool But I didn't think he liked my comedy and when I walked in he goes who you influences? That's I really like Richard Bryan. I like Hicks I like Andrew and he goes You should consider this

He goes you should consider this and here's my number if you need help I go, what do I do from here? He goes his open mics everywhere Just start going open mics When I walked out of there, are you fucking kidding me? I'm not listening to this fucking clown You're crazy, so you weren't excited you were like almost I was excited come on Fuck yeah, those are the words exactly that I wanted to fucking hear Right, those are the exact words. I wanted to fucking hear

But then you immediately went to I went home. I went home when I looked in the mirror and I'm like who the fuck I'm like good So I had no fucking gig So I opened up a fucking paper one day and I see new comedy club opening in West, Mr. Colorado looking for doorman security bartenders Blah blah blah all this shit So I fucking got in the car. I didn't say nothing to nobody and I ran up there And I applied and I put Jeff Harms his name the teacher's name as a reference And the guy called me that night his name was Clooney

And he goes, can you work Thursday Friday Saturday this week in the door and I go? Yeah And I went I worked the door and they liked me and I talked went to that night. I didn't say no to nobody But I got a day job selling Toyotas My buddy talked me back into selling fucking Toyotas And I went back to selling Toyotas and what I thought what this place was was completely different than what I had ever And any other car place I had a little bit better or worse It it's checked you when you sell cars. There's a lot of dealerships that don't check you

This place checks you you're like saying joy. What's a check? Well There's some places you come in at eight o'clock You got a cup of coffee bullshit will leave for a little while you tell them how bad the day is and then you go outside And wait for fucking customers all day and you do whatever the fuck you can This place you got to go in there and right away you had to get a notepad and write three of your goals now Remember we had Jim Handy called up absolutely and we have to write your goals down for the day for the week and for the month And then write how you're gonna attain those goals So before you could even touch a fucking phone or talk to a customer

They were by the book That's why everybody went in that a 15 Because you had to write your goals. You didn't want to miss a sales call at 8 30 Okay, so they it forced them to it forced you and if you didn't like it you got fired That it was that fucking simple now again, I had told Jim When I got the job that I had to do something awkward Like I didn't tell him that I was bartending that I was a doorman at a comedy club That was even too weird. Do you like you wanted to say something? I didn't want to say nobody

The only person that knew at that time was my wife And she was like you're doing what and I'm like, I've always liked comedy and that this is what I don't know maybe I want to do this and She fucking looked at me like what I got an 18 month old kid 16 month old kid and you want to try comedy like she didn't even have to say it Lee You know I'm saying like she didn't have to say but it didn't matter because I was making money. It's like I was blowing money I don't know. I was gonna make a hundred dollars a weekend more And be gone for two nights, right then they offered me five nights a week

They said can you work the door Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Saturday? I said sure Then they came back to me a week later. They go to DJ quit Can we train you the DJ booth and give you like a two-dollar raise? So I had myself this fucking You know, we're running the club 25 hour a week job at night and selling cars in the daytime writing goals and one day I finally told Jim I go Jim I'm Fucking you know The bartender I'm a DJ at a comedy club. He goes

You're doing what I'm DJing at a comedy club. He goes you shouldn't be DJing you should be on stage And I was like, what are you talking about he goes proud you I've been watching you those whole fucking thing isn't his whole spiel So I was great and dandy and this is after the class. This is after the class and then a month later I go I sell a car and I go in there early one morning to make sure the car is ready for the customer He's picking it up at 10 So I get there at 8 30 and I'd give the the lock clerks 20 bucks a piece to vacuum it Fixing up a gas, you know, make it look nice for the customer. So when they get there, it's not a piece of shit And one of the kids was Jim handy son

Gotcha. So when I walked back there, he goes, it's funny. You came back and we were talking about it yet on the drive here And I go what am I what I do? He's your dad mad about that. I kept him here till time. He goes no He's he said that he's sick and tired of his life But if he had any balls He'd fucking quit his job and take you on the road as a comedian You can start your comedy career and I couldn't believe it. I Couldn't not believe it

And again Lee this is April and I'm like, okay I'm gonna call the comedy works and I call the comedy works and guess what I did that day They called me that Tuesday morning Joey. Yeah, you're up at 845 Monday night And I waited for that morning and I canceled and I canceled and I kept my guys I kept canceling and canceling Were you what were you nervous about? What the fuck do you think I was nervous about Lee? I like I Don't know what just you're so confident all these other ways. It's I get it's hard for me even picture It was I was scared of the truth. I

Was scared of the truth. I knew that if I Knew that if I failed at this I really had no fucking options I really even though you had a successful to successful careers car sales and I was roofing I wasn't successfully I was Working like a fucking savage I Wasn't successful at all. Who the fuck are you kidding? I was a hustler and You know I was lucky. I knew how to sell drugs. So from that I translated into but I was just spinning my wheels. I

Was just spinning my wheels like everybody else does in that life and not even knowing it Like not even knowing it and I love car sales and I loved roofing and I was good at estimating but I Just wanted to try It was like what you were meant to do you thought so now I started watching videotapes I Just kept watching fucking videotapes at night When I get home and nobody was awake at what's the best of BET? No, no, no, no, I'm sorry the best of depth comedy champ

And I fell in love with Joe Torrey's comedy and then I started watching Rodney Dangerfield's young comedian special and I fell in love with Bill Hicks And I fell in love with Andrew Diceclat had not seen them and I would hide these guys. I Would hide these fucking things like I didn't want nobody to know I would treat them like you would treat porn if you had a wife and you didn't want your wife to know Like that's how secret like listening to them very low and like why are you yeah at night late night with the thing I'm ready to fucking go to cable TV if she even came down the stairs Like it was just horrible and I was you know asking the comedians questions every week when they would come in

How is this life? What do you think you really have a family and do this? Some guys had day jobs and we're still doing it It was just very obscure and I still refused to get on the fucking stage. I Still get fucking canceling and then people were telling me ask the queen to do a guest spot And I didn't have the ball here I was working here and they're telling me asked the guy to do a guest spot and I did not have the balls to ask the guy Lee fear

Will ruin your fucking life if you let it Because we know it's gonna get you to the next one That's when you're scared the most when you fucking know that this is gonna save your life That's when we get the worst Set of fucking fear That's when you know that you're fucking when you know something's good for you It's more that we get scared like if you listen to it's a great class It's free, but it's an eight in the morning, but it'll change your life three times a week

You will refuse to fucking go because of fear Because you might like it and now now you're faced with the reality of it Like that was my fear like I had fear of failure and now with let me tell you something If I wouldn't have gone on stage, I would have been in prison right now There's no two ways of lying to anybody here. We could do the math. I'll do the math in front of you I'll do the math in front of your people. How long do you think you would have taken for you to get the rest of the gun? 10 years There was no way there was no way a leopard can't change its spots

There was no way it took me 10 years of comedy to stop being fucking phallonius For comedy to win. You know I'm saying It took 10 years for comedy to win for me to like when I got to the communist I'm like Whatever I'm doing as a comic now. I'm a comic No more stealing no more You know robbing a case of booze to make 30 bucks like the only person who was getting in my way up to that point was me I got in trouble in Seattle. I had problems in Boulder I got to when I went home in 94. I was just a walking fucking disaster

Come on. How how how the fuck but Just something something kept telling me you gotta get on fucking stage And finally my ex-wife Said when are you gonna get on stage finally? She heard me call the comedy works And she got a babysitter. She got a babysitter that night. She put me in the spot. Oh, that's nice And she fucking uh, you know, we went to eat somewhere or something

And by that time We were done We knew it. This was just I don't know. I don't know what what happened I can't explain it It was weird guys. Like I just lost interest In anything except working and this little child We drove to Denver and I got on stage and Matt Woods was there

And people came up to me and told me I did great. I had great stage presence I just knew Lee I just knew now was more heartbroken Because you knew you had to make a change or something because I knew that I had done it. That's it I jumped over the hardest fence. I could do this again. Sure enough. I got a gig two nights later Up in Greeley, Colorado For like a paid stand-up gig. I think he gave me 10 bucks for gas That's cool. Fight off for gas or something like that

Which came back to haunt me Which came back to haunt me six months later. How I'm gonna tell you how let me do it. No, no, I'm gonna tell you how I got this five bucks from Um This was another angel. I got a right and my book this guy came into my life as an angel He was there that night the comedy works And he gave me the thing to show at Greeley two nights later And he booked a room in Greeley called it down under which they still do comedy at tonight

Excuse me, and he would book me as much as he could at that down under 50 bucks or pop And I would go there and just bomb like you know, and then he would pay my rent Basically, I would call him up and but we get way ahead of ourselves. Okay, sorry So he gave me either five bucks or 10 bucks for the gig Okay, right and then after that This is august. This is july of 91 In august I did some bar And then in september I went to new york

And I did an open mic And then in october I came back and me and my wife separated And that's when I saw that the cop the broker was doing a comedy contest So I went down and won that chapter of the comedy contest That meant you advanced And then when I went back that time I had to figure it out. So I invited all my friends from work But they cheered for me. So I went to the finals And then at the finals

This guy andy patin was there and a bunch of other comics Now I looked up to andy patin the picture in that article in the paper The day I opened that picture was a picture of andy patin with the green chili. Wow with the green chili andy patin was This guy who was very crafty. He's a mayor of a town now in colorado. He was very crafty and he booked rooms So he had made it to the finals also But his big argument was that was a professional

Because that time bill bower paid me five dollars for gasoline He's probably a good mayor. This is december 18th Of 1991 You're a professional for five dollars and he told me I was a professional because I took that five dollar pay It's an ncaa violation. You fucking believe that And that's my fucking and I was But it's so weird how After I went through that fear thing

Everything changed in my life Like I saw everything bigger I became bolder, you know, I mean Would it take four months after I got on stage for us to separate? You could tell That I was done. So after you got on stage that first time how often would you do it? Oh Not at all. Oh, okay. I was a bum

I was a bum I was a part-time till I did it whatever had to go to the broker and then one night I went drove all the way to denver To do a room that started 11 and they put me out at 1 30 in the morning And there was people in the audience and I hate such a bag of dicks That never went out again. Like I said, I'll never go to open mics again. I just go win that contest at the broker Every year every fucking no, I didn't know But that no, I was fearful the whole time

I was very very fucking fearful the whole time. It was kind of scary. It's weird how the brain works. So like even though you like Conquered your fear. You're still kind of scared of it Well, after I conquered my fear of it that I ran into another obstacle Which was called divorce Which really changed the plan Because now the plan was that I can't I conquered my fear But that's as far as really I was going to take it

I was probably going to be an open mic or from time to time get on stage Cracked jokes and that was going to be an extent of it. I was a family man But I know October 15 1991 when I walked home And she informed me she was moving out Like felix and from a form uh, whatever It was weird because I was very sad that I was losing my family But I was very happy at the same time that I was becoming a stand-up comedian like now I had no choice Now I had no excuse

You saw you saw there's like A freedom to do it like you saw like me like how quickly do you think about stand-up? I doubted that the child was going to live with me I knew I was going to see the child every week, right? But I doubted the child would live with me. So maybe I could See the child two or three nights a week and do calmly the rest of the time and keep a day job That was going to be the extent of it. Lee. That was the personal thought But how quickly did you think about stand-up right there?

Well, that's she left right there when I looked at that apartment. There was nothing left And you know Right there. I was like so now I don't have a fucking excuse And all of a sudden now there's a contest at the broker Like what a fucking coincidence Like so my spirits are kind of down. I can't lie to you But at the same time comedy was like, okay

So that kind of picked me up and guys, I still remember this like it was yesterday. I bought an Acura Integra I went out and bought a bunch of music. I didn't buy furniture I had a stand I had a tv and I had a bed with no fucking Post like it was just two matches on the floor I didn't even have they took my desk because it was her father's desk They took my silverware if you listen to testicle testaments Remember I tell you she took my mustard. That's fucked up. She took everything You know, I had my credit cards and I had a little bit of fucking savings and I had credit and that was it

And that's still it wasn't I was doing comedy I became one of those guys that was doing comedy I was getting drunk I was getting fucked up But every week I became tighter and tighter with the waitresses at the bro See after I became after I won the contest December 18th. I won the contest And I waited there were so many people I had there that night

Like I must have had over a hundred people that I knew from bold From like work and your friends work friends people from the halfway house People from abos pizza these hippies. I knew It was crazy It was crazy. I probably had really 75. I'm exaggerating old car salesman Car salesman from different places where I worked Everybody was snorting coke. Everybody was drinking. It was great. I went 500 bucks or a thousand bucks. Yeah So I called the guy a week later and I said listen, bro

Let's be honest. You got that fucking magician in there now What the fuck is he doing for you? And he goes, uh, what do you mean? I go, why don't you fire him make me the house? I'm saying He goes, well, all I can pay is $50 a week done Done that's 200 a month every Tuesday and I get to do comedy How long did you think about asking him to do that? 12 days after I won the contest But did was it like a spur of the moment thing or did he go?

I had gone there every week to watch comedy now And as a fucking it didn't take a genius that this fucking magician was he was listen Like I said, it was 14 95. How the fuck knows to get a steak and to watch the comedy show Okay, uh, the ages ranged in there This guy was old There's a bold as a college sound This guy was 50

And he was to top it off. He was a really really really bad magician Like that that that added insult to injury not even gonna got to the point when the guy was doing 20 minutes They would start talking And heckling them and throwing shit And the wait staff had a fucking interfere a couple times It was those type of situations. Jesus Christ. So then It kept happening it kept happening So I just called the guy out of the blue. This is guys. This is what you need to do, man

I didn't call the magician and I didn't go behind the magician's back The magician was having a fucking hard time there every Tuesday Because he was the host of the regular show So now what it was was every Tuesday two comics went up and then tribal would send two other comics up So it was like a whole show like an hour and a half show Or a two hour show But every time this magician went up people would get up and run and leave was that bad No, you all fucking god awful because he had to be

You know when you're young, you don't know how old somebody is but now that you know about reflexes the guy had to be 55 60 Maybe 70 The birds wouldn't come back The cards wouldn't disappear He would give you like he was one of those guys would say take a card And they go it's a it's the ace of spades and it was really uh a red heart and eight Oh my god, you know, he was just old So people were starting to laugh for them and giggle them and management knew

I knew they were getting complaints. Once I won the contest. I waited two days Boom when I made my call and I said listen, whatever your name is. I've known you for a long time I loved the magician, but if you sit back there, it's painful on fucking Tuesdays Since I won the contest and I'm a local boy and I know people let me come in there every Tuesday and host And he goes, let me think about it and I'll call you back in two days later. Bam. I got the hosting job at the broker And I was often fucking running do you ever run into that magician again? No, he he died. No, they still kept him. They kept him You know what they did a lot of different activities. So they used them on Wednesdays

The place had a social night Where professionals from around the town would come and then mingle and Black guys would fuck white chicks and I'll give you free shrimp and shit Then Thursday it was ladies night Right And then Friday and Saturday it was just a hotel customer. So they didn't need them Well on sunday they the the truth or the matter is In when I lived in that region guys

The truth on matter is Now I don't go to these things no more Because I really got spoiled when I lived in Denver Lee loves What do you call those things that you go to and have all the type of foods? Oh buffets Okay, these two places to me were FOGA the child before FOGA the child came The the place that you see in the shining The hotel in the shiny the place where they worked

The place yes to close down right that was the best sunday buffet in the state of colorado at one point People would fly in there What do they have they just had Everything that you fucking wanted I forget eggs benedict everything all that shit, but meat and cut and chefs And people cooking it was fucking brilliant. It was you know Whatever the cost was at that time that time it was well worth it and the second best one was the broker Why did comedy at and one sunday a month was seafood? So every gavone was down there was still 30 bucks for all you could eat

So they kept the riffraff out, you know saying you're not there eating those fucking vegas shrimps And that type of shit with the nerves still in it and the fucking good blood and guts You know you're eating nice clean shrimp Bro, but they would have a salmon That was cooked like old juice down like nice And you would just go up to it and pick little slices from it They had all I would do is drink 30 glasses of freshly squeezed orange juice It was the best freshly squeezed orange juice you ever tasted in your fucking life

Nice the way that we just leave the thing like his 20 bucks leave the fucking thing I Don't take the vitamin c away from you. I've been snorting below for three fucking weeks And you want to take away the container? How is the bacon? Everything Lee. I mean I didn't I don't think I went really In those days they had so so much selection until this day Do you want me to tell you what their best thing on the menu was? Yes? The rice crispy treats

I would kill a motherfucker for a rice crispy treat there on the sunday Sometimes I would go in there before we eat the regular food I'd eat like 22 fucking rice crispy treats and shit. Give me the whole tray. Oh my god Let me do some shout outs real quick first off bobble lingus. Thank you for the uh the box I love you all my heart. I gave you a call this morning and uh I saw that you you called and I'll call you back my man fat jesus My brother from a different mother always got my back Mr. Jeffrey Collins my man mad homie

Adam osmark bjj today natash disick your savage Gordon taro, whatever your fucking ex saved you. You know what your name is and my man Frankie motherfucking parada The dates are I got no motherfucking dates. I do sacramento guys that come home I relax with my family for the holidays. We'll still be doing podcasts But like I said, I'm gonna get the fucking ear surgery I can't get the fucking date yet because of the hospital, but I should be getting it this week

But I'm here with you motherfuckers till the end. You know, I'm saying there's no big deal guys I'm in at six the doctor said and I'll be in the car by 10 30. Oh your favorite Yeah, the four the one thing it's just like the other thing they'll they gotta leave something in there So I mean for four days. I'm gonna have like a little fucking antenna coming out of my ear And I don't need nobody bothering me. Trust me. If you know me, you do, you know, I goof on myself I'll do a periscope with you motherfuckers and hopefully we get Pot smoke to come out of the tube and then we'll fucking break the fucking internet But that's a complete different situation

Uh, I've been getting a lot of different It's a time of the year guys, it's a time of the year where you fucking go off the deep end Mentally sometimes, you know, you're counting the days You're financially not gonna fucking make it You know, you have you you got couples cousins and nephews and nieces and you're stressing out the holidays and you don't have a job or whatever the fucking is But on top of all that shit, guess what? You lost somebody like this year. We lost a lot of weird different people

That in some way or another you had a connection to you know what I'm saying From Chris Cornell to fucking, uh, you know, Ralphie May. You had a connection to these people. You grew up on Chris Cornell You actually heard Ralphie May spill his thoughts and words, you know, whatever you for me. It was Ralphie and Celine and God so many people but it's also like I got an email yesterday. I haven't got a bunch of emails You know, my man mr. Ted stacks You know you know people Pablo Lingus lost a father this year, you know, there's the time of the year, bro. Were you going to the holidays thinking?

It's my first holiday without my people my back and it's a fucking horrible thought because You know Down that holiday you're gonna break down. This is your first holiday without this individual Trust me. I went through it. I wouldn't talk to you, you know Mr. Ted stacks his mom is going through something

And he wanted to know what he should do and it's been lately the last Two or three weeks. It's been an array of emails. There'll be the debts ODs and your family members and And the holidays are coming and this is it. This is this is the deep waters of life The first holiday without your peeps You have no idea because First off you think it's going to be so bad, but then you get there And you try to uphold the tradition

Whatever the fuck you did And no matter what you try to do there's that elephant in the room, you know Some people don't even want to get up on that day. I don't even the first Christmas without my mom I didn't want to get up on that day There was no way I want to wake up that day That's terrible. That's just terrible And we all think that way we have that thinking the other night I went to I gotta tell you guys, uh

You guys learned from me and I learned from you I've been tormenting Lee now if I don't know how many fucking years And you know what guys Lee has picked up A weird thing in the last six years And it's not his confidence It's not that he's got a girlfriend It's not that he eats more edibles. It's not that oh, we don't like Lee because he winds

I had the pleasure of going to watch Lee on stage last week ladies and gentlemen And you know, I don't blow smoke up your motherfucking ass It just wasn't great comedy It was sensational comedy It was so sensational that it was offensive to me And that's what I realized how sensational his comedy was Lee Syat had Decades and I'm not making fun of him

I'm not making no joke here. I gotta tell you something that night you had a weird cadence or bob kelly Louis CK And just are you joking me right now like no, I'm not joking with you Guys, all right, we went to this place called the fourth wall this fucking knuckle had been going there For the last three weeks on his own you pay five dollars. You go for five minutes You know, I say to Lee every night Lee gotta do something with your time I didn't even know he was so serious about it. So this knucklehead

Two or three times a week he goes down there and pays five bucks next to a sushi place and a bartending school And there's eight or nine people when you go up on stage for five minutes So last week listen, I was home for three nights in my house. There's a slight low But there's not enough time to do something but there is enough time to do five minutes Especially when it's around the corner from your house. So I said, Lee do me a favor pick me up And let's go down to the fourth wall. It's next to the 7-Eleven. I'm gonna have to go there later on Me and Lee torment that fucking we've been going there for years. You just know I'm done the window

Up He just wait There's a fucking Russian dry cleaner in there that I take my action to I love with all my heart There's a there's a sushi place with like It's like a question mark, you know the rating is like a question mark It's like you're on your own, you know what I'm saying And then there's a there's a bartender school

And there's this place and you look at it. You're like, I'm not doing comedy now. Let me tell you something guys This is where comedy begins And I wanted to go back in there and just watch What open my eyes look like again? I'm doing it as a business now guys And when you do it as a business, it just sucks dick and you want to just take it back Into the places where you just went up there and told jokes And there's no agents in the room. There's no fucking

It's just straight up comics and you get to express yourself in a weird way And I went down there and watched Lee Lee went up first before me And he went up there and he did some jokes about his parents calling them And now you don't want to pick up the phone even though you love them because They call you eight times a day Your father calls you to tell you about the lunch special and your mother calls you To ask you if you watched these videos. I mean

And the cadence and his patience up on stage Was just brilliant. I mean he just did all this stuff that was so original That I was blown away like I had to go up there like I had to go up to that do fucking Lee now. You know what I'm saying but uh What the fuck Lee? I haven't I really haven't done it like that much. It's uh, I've always loved it But like as a spectator I never thought I was that kind of funny and I still don't even think I'm really that funny Like to be honest that the things I said about my parents. That was the first time I just said that that night

Oh my god that they fucking he picked up his father and on the way back from the 405 that was enough That way if it was up to him he would take it right back to the airport I mean he was good now. I got offended because I got no parents So I'm thinking this fucking guy's a dungeon jewain. He made a brother of his parents He's the only one who doesn't know how lucky he is to joke then so but it was so crazy how uh My button got pushed for two minutes Because I wish I had parents that called me eight times a day and I can fucking torture them too

You know saying like I would just I would flip it on them If I was you I'd flip it on your mom for sure It's time for you to start loosening her hub started calling her eight times a day Yeah, mom. I just smoked this fucking joint that would kill jesus. Let me call you back. That would kill her But yeah, but no this is it now you got because that means she don't want to hear from you now. You know what I'm saying She don't want Now you're flipping the tables. You see I'm saying this show ain't about ha ha's and he's

We're flipping the fucking tables here And the last thing I want to talk to you people about is my boy Has been uh, we had a discussion Uh, maybe two and a half months ago here and lee Spoke about different thoughts he had going on his head in his life And you could tell I could tell something was going on and he came out and he spoke and then he uh Like the true savage of the easy one on group on and got a Psychiatrist fucking visit. How's it going my brother? It's going great. It's uh

Trying to think it's been I think exactly three months or four months and it's just it's Everyone told me like I might have to shop around a little bit for a therapist And I didn't have to do that at all really I uh I went on my insurance And I just I called a couple and this and she initially told me she didn't know if she had time for me I went in once and she reminded me of my aunt a little bit. So it's kind of a little bit familiar

and uh It's really great. It's uh, so sometimes and it's weird Sometimes I judge what I'm telling her. I'm like, oh, this isn't that bad Like as I'm saying it it sounds like I'm like it sounds like I am whining Like that's what I that's what I don't want to do even to her But it's it's been it's just been interesting to bounce ideas off of someone like there hasn't been I'm not the I don't think I had a breakdown or anything, but there hasn't been It's just been nice to talk about the little things that are usually just

I'm going back and forth all day in my head about it's nice to just say them out loud Sometimes I don't even listen as much as I should to what she says. It's just it's me saying it. I'll I'll say oh That's what I should do about that So it's it's it's nice sometimes just to vocalize it And it's it's uh just working on different things that that like I she she's worth it's something that I actually like it's kind of like how you had when you had the uh The island of serenity

she was talking about how I I have like things that Like stresses that get in your life or things that you worry about or things that I overthink They will go all go into one pool instead of I should have a pool with my girlfriend with my parents with my work and I should separate it and For with my brain. I just oh it it's just a constant

Like if I if I if I get my if I let myself not be busy It'll just go Pretty much all day if I let it sometimes and when it's when it's bad just thinking about things I should have done even in like Like one of my curses. I have a pretty good memory. So I'll remember Stupid stuff from freshman year of high school But like oh fuck that guy or it or just like you like just stuff negative stuff about me It doesn't that changes so often, but it's nice to be able to

Have someone tell you like you should figure out ways to separate your stresses And it'll help you like manage your life rather than it won't see it won't seem so big You feel better now, uh, yeah, I mean I don't I'm not on any medicine She hasn't even mentioned it It's yeah, I don't want to stop I I definitely like going I like going once a week I actually I have to miss this week, but I'm gonna go twice next week

um Yeah, I look forward to because I've had that issue From my whole life. I've always felt it's very weird that I'm doing a podcast because Like I when you say bullied you think like beat up Like in the like, I don't know your shirts ripped all that stuff and that stuff happened a little bit, but not I was just more like in a weird nerdy I was always fat. Let me ask you a question. Yeah

Because I had the same issue where you bullied physically Or that were you bullying yourself mentally? Did you think they didn't like you? Or did you think that they looked at you differently or that there was a little bit of physical but not really like Like two or three times from my whole school late like kindergarten to so it wasn't it wasn't that bad and uh Like what I like what I was thinking about it wasn't like And it was a mix of me probably thinking they didn't like me But it was also like and who knows they could there could be people listening to this right now They grew up with that could say I'm crazy, but

It just I never felt Like I really like belonged or like I just I don't know. I just Like occasionally I would go to like when my mom was when your parents scheduled play dates There's that but once he gets to middle school and kids start scheduling their own shit stuff it It kind of slowed like I would never The way you didn't want to do comedy. I didn't want to call someone up to hang out like if I don't know it just it still freaks me out and And so I vote I always

I never really I didn't talk much. I guess I I but I would I learned I learned that I'd like to be like that the goofy fat guy, I guess And so I would I would talk but it wasn't I had like I always had like one best friend who I would be even sort of open with but not Fully open. It's hard to be open When you normally have like a lot of close relationships. I guess you know a friend of mine called I grew up with

And he said I finally listened to your podcast. He goes in fact listen to like a ton of them. He goes I know why you like that fucking kid And I go why he goes he reminds you of lubes doesn't he they go. Yes, he does a lot and the stuttering I understood the stuttering because when I first became friends when we were 15 When he approached me the first time he was to ask me if I had slept the best around with his girlfriend At that time he would beat me up and no no no doubt about it

But when he came up to me, he wasn't scared of me but the stuttering So I knew because he started I could lie to him and go no, why would I fuck with I And it's so weird how When people stutter and I goofed on lubes all those years, you know everybody did the stutterer You know when we went to the movie theater at that time and Robert plant was singing The song means the same I'm like libretto, you know all that shit But I knew that uh

I liked you because Not that you haven't had security you just You wanted to say something, but you really didn't you know, that's how lubes always seemed unless I got him fired up But that didn't mean nothing. I loved where his heart was Till today. I talked to lubes, you know once a fucking week He calls me on sunday nights or something Is lubes different whether you than he is with like other people he still talks to me

He doesn't talk to anybody anymore. He hides. He doesn't want to see anybody He don't know nothing. He got a job as a high-lif operator And the company promoted him to a truck truck driver And he's happy as fuck his father passed away His mother got put Like a whole folks home and she's reliving life again. She's loving life again and uh He's he has to move out of his house He's got about a year to move out of his house. So he's just living there by himself

But what are you gonna do, you know what I'm saying? That's great. I'm happy that you uh Went to the doctor and you're getting something out of it I thought you were gonna go for three weeks and then not go back because you'd be intimidated That's the first step. That's the first step to get to the next level and it's nice because there's really like I don't know her from anybody And I guess there's always a pressure With people that you know that like how they're gonna react to what you say Or what they're gonna think about it and there's not really any of that with the therapist like they

They're not gonna tell anybody but if they tell anybody they don't know me so it's like Sometime like like in life like like you said where you would lie to everybody about what you were doing not tell them There's no reason to lie to her like it's uh I'm going and I'm hanging and being there for myself like that You just tell them the truth and it They help you work it out and they help you like just realize Just weird things just like little things like uh, I'm just like Just like even weird things that like I always think that people are mad at are mad at me

which is weird And and one and one thing that she said that really stuck with me was Like even if they aren't mad at you like So what then if they're mad at you? and then like you realize like Nothing really happens like nothing's gonna really come of it and it just it It kind of helped me. I still freak out about it sometimes, but it's it's it's a nice way to think about Well, you went over there

As I could see that you're smiling At night I would leave here. You look like gloomy Gus But uh, you're back. You're taking those classes now. Oh, yeah, which is sweating a lot better Body attack and body combat you're going out there and seeing people people seeing you in the room And they love you. They love that you're there. They don't give a fuck as long as you're there They don't like the motherfuckers that aren't there because they're there and ain't in the moment, you know Right. They're like, why should you have an excuse where it's weird when you work out in a group like that now And firstly and wait you become friends with three other people

And they'll come up and you go no no no no go down 11 31 with the other guy Classes way better. They want something you go there die to what happens. It's like anything else But I gotta see you in those classes, right? And then it's a fucking piss. It really is. I'm proud of you. I'm proud that you went I'm proud that you sit on the podcast That you had uh, you were you were struggling with this I'm also very proud to stand up and guys, you know me a long time. I wouldn't talk like this It was smooth that night The shit about your dad was money the shit about your mom was money, you know

And then we only had five minutes and you were happy you had time you did it It takes a lot of balls to look. I just told you tonight how hard of a time I had And 27 years here we are later with all that fear. It's still fucking mad before every show I thought there was gonna be a fire last night. There was a cancel last night I was like, oh my god, but you know, it's like I never want to Get on stage, but I really fucking do you know Like I never want to get on stage, but I really fucking want to do you know, it doesn't make you feel better If I'm on stage in four nights, I can affect my personality and who I am. I gotta get on stage every four nights

It's like I could take time off. I might be able to take a week off or something like that But after that, I gotta get on stage quickly. I feel the difference Because all that shit stocks bottles in my head All the stuff you want to say. Yeah, like now I got the notebook, you know, you know me dog I'm at the place I sit there for a little while. I write. I order breakfast I eat it. I make a few calls And once the food is gone, I write again for another half 45 minutes. I get the fuck out. I got my system

Right, so uh, I've been scared to go to any other open mics. That's the only one I go to that's all you need For right now, that's it. That's your little own personal commitment. That's what people that's what people will uh Fuck up when they start going outside the room. You're there do it for another three more weeks do it till the end of December Then January 1st, walk another one on Tuesday night Where there's a bar and you have to go and you may be you may go up before one in the morning But you gotta get that get there at nine and buy two drinks Okay, okay, then you gotta do those those are always a pleasure to do You know, that's the kind of shit that

You know or either you gotta show up with 10 people Which you get 10 people anywhere. They'll come support you anywhere As weird as it sounded like the other thing that stopped me from doing it for so long as I got in I wanted to go somewhere. I like going there because no one knows who I am. No, it's perfect Nobody needs to know who you are. All right Not that I'm anybody but I don't want them to just laugh because it's It's funny how You know

People think they have to act. I'm very proud that I'm just standing there. I started like a stand-up And I stuck with it like a fucking savage. I'm very proud especially after I told you that story today I thought, you know that you knew how much I was It took so long for me to get the courage To get up on that fucking stage. It's ridiculous, man ridiculous And you know what I'm lucky. I told Felicia to drive home to Santa Ana last night From the final little show with my man Wheeler Walker

Which uh That was the toughest room Really, Santa Ana was tough on me. Orange County. They were a little on the weird side because I'm like, who the fucking I They fucking Wheeler walk was filthier than me for 45 minutes playing music. So And like I said, I stayed the first night. He was fucking, you know, I listened to two. Oh, I was with you Yeah, I lent a nothing. We heard one fucking jam and we walked out of there And uh, then I watched some footage on youtube

He was great. He was great and Tuesday that I hung around for a little while And Wednesday I watched the beginning the opening act was great. Also. It was an experience, man And I'm happy I got that opportunity to do three nights. That's a little different, but it was not a huge commitment I'll just shake it up a little bit. You have to have a lot of energy. They're standing up So once you give them that gap You really I didn't really pound them down last night. It's like alvarez on saturday night. How he went to the body Right. That's what you have to do in those rooms You're going for body shots. You got to go for 12 minutes of body shots, but i'm just to respect you

So you're not going to like a big huge laugh. Huh? No for not like for a huge laugh, sir It's a music venue. You know, they're standing the fuck up late You know, so they had last night they were tipping up, you know every night they had beer cans I mean these people were fucking savages. You know what I'm saying? It was uh, interesting Watching that show After doing like a few weeks of open mics just like the difference in the rooms Like like they were like you like you said they were yelling and and it was it was Like the little room I'm in is the tiny room. I feel very safe. I couldn't imagine being

Doing something like that. Well, that's where people are wrong. This is like The beginning of jiu-jitsu Why are you sparring every day with a black belt if you're a white belt, right? Same thing You're just going over there for a little time Just to get your basics down Get your five minutes down Now in a few weeks then we send you to the barracudas. You've already been you were at my taping

You've been on the stage thousands of times So that's like going backwards for you, but it's good that you did it Because now you're getting out of the way Right You can't go backwards now. You're now you've done open mics and you've opened up for me at The ice house. You've opened up for me like shot the special I think I just that was that was crazy. Yeah, so it's amazing that when I first met you and we started the podcast You said you did not

Want to speak on the podcast? I did yeah I still even now I It would scare me I think and now Six five and a half years later Here we are doing open mics Well, I'm fucking proud. I did get mad at myself. I was like, oh, I should started the open mics for four years ago

I don't think it would have been as good. I think I needed to First off you watch a lot of specials. Oh, yeah Which I could tell when you were up there. You got influenced from different people all good I put my finger on lewis ck and the other guy. Yeah, I don't really watch that one's lewis, but okay So it was really interesting to see But anyway, I think I said I got a shout out to mr. Ten stacks For his mom, you know, we're a family like it's he had the church pages cleaning up a little bit People going there with more straight stuff. We got taken down

But the emperor of the church tiki sciat Put his back fucking together. But anyway, we got to take two steps to the rear and get out of here I got shit to do. I got to my daughter's ballet class. So please don't mind me And then I'm headed to sacramento For my last weekend of the month But we'll be back monday and wednesday night wednesday night podcast prepared to watch it It's going to be a four hour five hour podcast here We're going to have food rick ramos is here and myself

And we're going to show you the ten films you need to watch Over the christmas fucking holiday just to get it out of the way from boogie nights To the exorcist to the whole fucking thing We're going deep on wednesday night. We might even take some hallucinogenics Lee's got to have the scenes prepared and it's all going to be beautiful But like I told you in the beginning of the show Listen, it's the holidays the new year Let's start it off with a clean asshole

Enough is enough already. All you want for christmas are some clean butt cheeks and a clean butt asshole But when you got access bone cones aka fucking dingleberries hanging from your bowels You know what i'm saying and some fudgy pudding smeared all over your fucking Your fucking nutsack behind the nutsack. You ever notice you got that little brown gizm back there? That's what happens But you don't need that to happen because you can spray that all the way With to the tushy bidet. You follow me? Oh, it's the perfect asshole cleaner than a white christmas

They now come in a millennial pink and blue and they just added more colors So you can add to your bathroom to give it pizzazz people come over They take a piss they see that you got a color Fucking tushy and they go this guy's got fucking class mean. Yeah, this guy's a fucking savage Anyway, here's the deal. All right Hello, tushy's gonna take care of you the way they're gonna take care of your asshole. Listen. What are you gonna do with a dirty asshole? Let's pretend you want a 69 who wants a 69 with you nobody because your asshole smells like fucking one of those fucking Uh

Anyway, no matter what your asshole smells like none of your fucking business. It's not good We're just talking here. But anyway for the sake of giving somebody a different christmas present Everybody gets socks. Everybody gets fucking ties. Everybody gets a yeah Who needs all this shit go to hello tushy dot com right now? Like I said, they got two fancy colors And they started 69 dollars Santa could afford that Stipe wiping your ass with nasty fucking toilet paper and get clean ass with tushy

Hello, tushy dot com and use the code church for 10 off your order. Listen Your muffler's gonna be tip top magoo. Take that from your uncle joey Number two Like I said, you gotta be fucking you gotta be up on your fucking supplements And that's where honor comes in the alpha brain. Come on 100 percent money back guaranteeing that they want the product the product back Have force protein Have protein digest so much heat. Come on cut it out

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Uh, no before you go on amazon go to joey dears dot net and click on the amazon banner So we get lee a nice little christmas present this year, right? We could send them away to fucking long beach. Excuse me Somewhere nicer than long beach for new years. All right You know, we gotta take care of lee on this side of benign. He's on the switch governments To start doing the podcast and russia and take all the trump's information. Whatever the fuck it is Well, listen, hopefully i'll see you motherfuckers and sacramental If not, i'll see you around town. I love you cocksuckers. Have a great weekend. Thank you for listening. Stay black

Uncle joey and lee sciat. We love you Oh Oh If I leave here tomorrow Would you still remember me? Oh Well, I must be traveling on This is too many places i've got to see

But if I stay with you Oh Things just couldn't be the same Because i'm as free as a bird now And this bird you cannot change Oh And the bird you cannot change And this bird you cannot change

Love knows i can't change Oh Baby Please don't take so bad If I stay here with you Some as free as a bird Now And this bird you cannot change

Oh And the bird you cannot change And this bird you cannot change Baby Love knows i can't change Oh Lord i can't change Won't you buy

A free bird? Yeah Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh