Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #541 - Jack Assadourian Jr.

Episode Date: December 12, 2017

Jack Assadourian Jr, a comedian, actor and writer, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first order.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever!   
Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.   Recorded live on 12/11/2017.
  

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and again the holidays are not always our day we start eating stuff that we shouldn't you got stuff to do people to shop for and cheer the spread you need to keep your body fueled for all the festivities but a lot of those holiday treats are just junk delicious yes healthy no let nature box help you with the snacks that are better for you and delicious and right now today nature box is offering the church of what's happened now family 50 50 50 percent off your first order when you go to naturebox.com just think of all the beautiful snacks you could be eating for you know the holidays instead of that

garbage you're gonna be eating like crunchy barbecue twist and dark cocoa nom nom and a siago and cheddar cheese crisp and garlic plantains yummy for your tummy so right now go to naturebox.com slash Joey for 50% off your order that's naturebox.com slash Joey for 50% off your order I'm gonna tell you what you got all those great gifts but there's nothing you can give for Christmas that's the gift of a clean asshole that's why hello Tushy's here to solve your problems or your relatives problems you ever look at one of your uncles and you're like you know what I know his asshole smells like ten dead

fucking spaghetti and meatball dishes that's the dude you got to get a portable bidet for 60-day guarantee me and Lee both have one we haven't broken your skinny bony ass ain't gonna break it either why waste toilet paper why kill a tree when you could have sprinkling clean water shot up into your asshole and clean out all that fungus, amyroid juice, bacteria and just in case you bumped into a victim he stuck something up there on the weekend go to hellotushy.com right now use code CHURCH for 10% off your order kick that mule Lee

highly respectful Ralphie May here we go cocksuckers kick it Lee kick it I don't want to hear no bullshit from that Lee here we go December 11th the church what's happening now tomorrow December 12th I think it's Ozzy I was on birthday but who gives a fuck oh oh shit The church you bad motherfuckers I got my main man the Christ killer your uncle Joey Diaz and my guest tonight is my little nephew Mr. Jack Jr aka Jack Asidourian associated with

the New Jersey Armenian Asidourian not the California Asidourians he's a New Jersey Asidourian so I got I think you're my first Armenian guest I'm ashamed of myself I should have an Armenian on once a month given our group on advice you know I'm saying I was thinking about that Armenians invented Groupon people just got sick and tired of Armenians coming in going come on how about I try it five times twenty five dollars they invented Groupon probably yeah they probably didn't shit how much you want for jiu-jitsu 150 a month okay I could only come maybe five times a month what if what if I give you $50 ten times a session and then I tell you okay and then white people got sick and tired of it and said we're sick and tired of these fucking

Armenians coming in here and juggling all this shit so you might as well just give my Groupon and let us get beat from the beginning instead of going through the fucking back and forth and lose it an hour let me lose an hour in labor instead of an hour in negotiating with these fucking people they're worse than Jews I grew up with Armenians I didn't even know it like but in my town I don't even really worry right outside of Boston okay really oh yeah oh god I thought there were like four or five at least families oh that's it I mean to when I came here and I hear us all these eons I was like what is this and then yeah I didn't I didn't realize and I'm a little Burbank North Hollywood right there it's crazy because I grew up with Acedurians

Karnik Acedurian and he had his brothers and then there was another kid Parish Lackin he was a wrestler and I remember him because he made a big noise when he knocked out four fucking dudes he four of them challenged him and he goes I'll fight you one at a time he fucked up three of them the fourth one said no worries he's a group I'll take you where for he's a group on shit and then the chronic kid was a weird kid because I was friends with him he was very sweet to me and when my mother died he came up to me one day and he goes anything you need like fucking anything like I'll strangle a motherfucker type he was a very nice kid and what made me stick out where he was a power lifter so he was him and his brothers were picking

up Volkswagen's and turning them around that night and you know what I'm saying so if you park going north yeah him and his brother would come pick up the Volkswagen turn around and park it south so when you came out in the morning you go what the fuck happened those are some big guys they were gigantic they were power lifters wow one night they ripped a bumper I mean they always had a story bro one night I was with one of the brothers I was with another another family that were uh strong guys the burkles and he had gone to brown and he was like a power lifter with Perry and the other guys and I go dog you got a mirror to do coke on and I'll never forget this we were on the street at three in the morning he just looked around and he went up to a car and he

just ripped oh my side mirror off that's how strong he was I'll never forget we were walking out to a fourth doing coke off a mirror with four screws coming out of your shit nobody gave a fuck when you're doing coke you don't give a fuck what you do it off that's hilarious you don't give a fuck what you do it off if you really don't toilet seat bucket cell phone you guys know from time to time you know yeah we have all types of guests be it guests on the show but I really like to put young and up-and-coming guests comics that I see and you know what man this is what my formula for young and up-and-coming comics this is the guys that impressed me the guys that I see whenever I go out guys that call me and offer me rooms guys that I know are always doing something

you know you called me jack and you asked me for work if I had like give it to you yeah most people I won't give it to because they're looking for a fucking handout yeah you know I usually tell people I have 20 friends that I know that work fucking hard yeah and they could use this week this week could probably put them over the top they worked that fucking hard that I'd been in that situation I was a feature act where I got two weeks of work a month they don't pay your shit but a guy comes along and he gives you two weeks now that balances out the month so it's so funny how I always get hit up by people but it's always like a charity case like the people that try to say hello to me it's like a charity case I know the motherfuckers that are out there I see him tweeting

I see him on social media not giving away free tickets letting people know what they're doing you know it's uh it's very inspiring for a guy like me I'm inspired by young guys I see you young guys and I go shit I'm gonna tighten my shit up I mean you inspired me to do jack gets I don't know how many times jack can be getting home from a long night of party and I'd be getting up starting my tweet game at six and we'd be going back and forth jack what the fuck go to go to bed cocksucker no man you inspired me to do calm your hustle motivate me you know you always told me like I want you to call me one day and be like hey what are you doing where you at you in Vegas you know where you in phoenix where you at and it's got to that level where we miss each other

because I'm working on the road and it's it's a blessing well I know y'all because you're tight with Kate yeah and it's funny Kate always talks about when she comes up here and Lee was saying he's heard you on the podcast and you're very good and today I was sitting there like you know what man I want to put somebody on who hasn't been on before just so you got a different flavor I'm doing a movie podcast on Monday on Wednesday it's going to be long it's going to be drama comedy so I wanted to add some flavor this week so who better than the fucking Mexican Armenian there you go to get the motherfucking party thank you man appreciate both of you guys for having me hell yeah plus there's the other thing that I admire another thing about you you know say what you want to

say about Paulie Shaw he's always worked yeah I'm saying he's a complete on the goofy side but there's people who have businesses in life and we all deal with these people and we all went to school with these people that their father owns a business and they get an x they get a z28 for their 17th birthday and you're working at CVS or the movie theater where you work right yeah and you become a little jealous of those people yeah you you really do sometimes you're like fuck fuck that and then motherfucking don't work like oh he has to work is on saturdays and when he goes he gets the the construction guys coffee and he fucking goes home hungover yeah and that's what those guys do and people fucking that's that's uh you know Joe jr. yeah so people kind of have to

like him because of his father but nobody fucking likes that guy but they hate him because they hate him he comes on here he causes problems and he have to time you know fucking work yeah I look at a guy like you that you basically took over that business yeah basically one of them started booking certain nights and then once I saw you on the road and shit I go okay he's kicking up to an extra level because he doesn't want people coming at him go oh your parents on the comedy club no bitch I work as hard as the next yeah you know and I told you on the phone yeah whenever I see you I think of myself and like 90 91 whatever I would roof with my brother-in-law's I was that brother-in-law you know they were paying me good fucking money and the other guys were getting paid great money

because these guys weren't cheap but I had to outwork everybody yeah why because they were my brother-in-law yeah I could have shown them dead 10 after and gotten coffee and said what's up guys look at you fucking slaves it's good to know the boss you know but no I would get dirtier than them I made sure I worked that I got there the first one on the job and I was always the first one to believe so yeah my father told me when I got into this business he goes no one's gonna respect you if you don't start from the bottom so I worked the club I swept I cleaned the toilets I made food made nachos I sat I seated I did the DJ I did everything from the bottom worked my way up when it became a comic I thought it would be easier because I thought these are my friends

they'll help me do it but no when I started doing comedy I had hate from everybody like what they would corner me like you know how to comedian you're the owner son don't don't do what we do name a few comments but I'm not gonna put them on blast but I'm saying like I had I had to really prove myself and I gave myself five years I'm gonna say if I don't if I don't do something in five years then you know this isn't for me so I've been every day I work hard I wake up and I hustle I hustle I hustle I hustle and that's because I'm Armin I'm Mexican that's just that's a beautiful thing right there you know I'm saying it's a good combination yeah but I saw you a couple weeks ago and you've come a long way yeah comedy yeah you know uh your feature act you know yeah I'm saying

your good feature yeah you're finding your roots you know people always everybody always wants to be a headliner that was the last thing I wanted yeah I don't like it because I was having such a good time yeah it's so much as a feature as an emcee I was having such a good time you just show up you just show up do 25 minutes get fucked up you drink for free exactly you could do the club three times a year because nobody gives a fuck about you know nobody gives a fuck about the feature act so you get to work the club every 90 days no pressure you could work every week but that was a feature I worked every week and people go hey man it's time for you to headline fuck you yeah no I'm working every week I rather don't get 300 less than what you're gonna give me the headline

your shitty fucking club all the pressure and have all the pressure I gotta get up into radio and make believe I like people fuck you yeah when you're a feature act oh you had to show up snuck coke drink and break even and it's a sweet spot they're warmed up they're warmed up yeah oh I love there's no check dropping nothing you just go in there boom boom boom bye good night you know no it's such a different uh and now like I'm not stressed out but I know I can't fuck around yeah when I was a feature you know what I got 30 minutes I'm gonna do 15 and fucking known material good material and I'm just gonna fuck around 15 minutes because it really doesn't matter yeah and then I learned that you can't talk to the audience because that fucks it up with yeah and

you can't be too dirty to know you can't but you you could be dirty but a classy type dirty it's gotta get somewhere listen man when you go to a club it's not what you say it's how you say it okay it's not what you say it's how you say yeah if I did comedy and my first two scenes when I was in Seattle and Denver I did comedy where guys would come up to be as obscene as they can you know like so I took this up the fetus of an aborted baby and I fucked it in the ass type of shit like that that gets a laugh from a fucking jerk off yeah do you know what I am like that's who laughs at that type of joke like a fucking jerk off like Joe jerk off you know like you know like it's something you know that it's just a little added extra that the audience doesn't need

yeah you know just because Doug Stanhope does it and gets away with it beautifully yeah because he knows how to do it doesn't mean you know how to fucking do it and all you're doing is look at the audience faces but you don't know there's a feature act you lost yeah in your mind you think you won dog I went up there and I said uh you know the most offensive fucking thing to them just to really push my limits but you didn't do nothing yeah they're not gonna like you made the headline to work harder yeah you made it you know the headline is not gonna work harder you just look that bad the headlines would be easy because if he has any street sense or any common sense his first 10 minutes he's not gonna attack you but he's gonna attack the soft side of himself to

win just to show how dark and stupid you really were yeah you follow me your opening always depends as a headliner for me what I've worked better on is the mood of the room if the mood of the room if the two people before me have been dirty that's gone somewhere I might as well open up with my dirtiest shit and tame him back to my world but this is fucking years yeah of experience you know this is completely different it's a muscle you gotta work and you know you gotta put yourself in bad positions in comedy and I've seen you do it it's oh I love it I love it I learned different Joe Rogan when I first started working with Joe Joe was the king of bad positions it was horrible to watch and you always climb out of the hole yeah you learn how to climb out of

the hole and the beginning you panic the first six or seven years of comedy oh do you fucking panic but after a while you learn how to how now make your face turn red like I remember the first two or three or four years of comedy my face would turn red that's it I lost once your face turned reds and the audience sees that you lost yeah you know there's so many little things that you have to overcome you know the the frustration you know I remember I still have a bombing at the comedy store in the very beginning like I mean crickets bro really did you cry ever no I cry the first time I ever but just fucking pulling my face down and going what am I gonna do when somebody goes just get off the stage you know that type of like oh my god and you and you if you address

that person then you look at it as yeah like I never knew how to get myself out of those binds that's all experiences and the way to you know those clubs I did last week a wheeler walker okay let me tell you something that shit was work what were you at I did the Novo theater the observatory in San Diego the observatory in Santa Ana and all three nights of work really yeah it's not comedy they're standing up number one oh so you can't do comedy for people standing out okay number two because they're looking for a chair the whole time they're just restless it just sucks even if they're fans of yours they like your stuff and half the people were good but it was just bar room comedy for years people been hitting me up clubs hit me up once a month hey

man come to our club it's a hundred percent of the door it's a rock club in St. Louis I wouldn't step foot in there to do comedy because it's hand-to-hand combat there's no security there's nothing it's you against the audience hand-to-hand combat and there's always the you know like the other night in Sacramento the guy said sticky Charlie 18 times you know Saturday night a couple came with signs it said Wesley and sat at the side of the audience I want to thank Sacramento the punchline the city for a great weekend last weekend those are great crowds great I'm up there this weekend great you would my laughs in Sacramento okay yeah you know it's a it's a great fucking town for I love that they're on the foot you guys are on point so if you came to the shows

at the punchline I want to thank you personally you guys are great but Saturday night this Mexican couple are they were Mexican side sat state side with signs that said Wesley oh I love it I love it that was it was like it I don't really go in the road with you that much so my life is still pretty similar to what it was five years ago it's a little different but I don't really get to see it and then when you went out to take pictures on a Friday night after the late show they just erupted when you when you can when we came out and it was just it was so cool Jesus Christ stop going stars it's time there's Hanukkah his eyes are shut I just take three more you know what I'm saying let's go keep going keep going just like the zoo tonight

you're right not really all right let your intestines do the work you know what I'm saying you got pastelitos tonight that my main man brought just you can be here all night eating Cuban food yeah I got a I got a you can fucking Uber some sodas meat pies and uh yeah you forget about it then I gotta fucking stop you you know I wanted to eat them on the way here you're gonna get up in the morning and go over to 24 hour fitness jump up and down farts will be coming out of your ass oh dad I can't wait oh my god you're going deep tonight how many you got left over there one but that one's gonna take a minute no that's not minutes here we're only eating I already ate 10 you're still over there on six maybe six you gotta you feel like 18 we have those two we have those

those are free ones and you guys went hard dude it's like wait watch as you get 43 action points and 42 no we don't this is the sugar I've never seen anything like this till tonight no one doesn't you guys so you guys set a record for we don't fuck around you guys don't there's no reason to fuck around especially on the night before Hanukkah yeah you know what I'm saying congratulations we don't thank you you almost fell he just jumped he just jumped he thought it was the hand from my top way too how long have you been doing comedy though I uh when I got a divorce so eight years ago and how long have you been a fan of it my whole life I mean I grew up I grew up in the comedy club scene so I never wanted to be a comedian when I was younger because it's like you're like oh your

dad does this I don't want to be around I don't want to you know I wanted to do my own thing and I did I opened up a cell phone store I did my own thing for a while and then uh that went on there I got married divorced had a kid and then I wanted the therapy because I was paying this high child support and then my ex took my son up north and moved there and kidnapped him for like a year so I told my dad I'm like hey I'm thinking dark shit like I want to kill myself I need therapy I'm paying all these 1100 a month I'm like going crazy and my dad goes are you crazy you know how expensive therapy is is it go on stage cry right now on stage right now so I went on stage that day and it was Vinny Damon Wayne jr. and then they were coaching me and I did it and then I found I

fell in love with it and that's that's it you know how much therapy is today yeah it's like go on stage here's a group on it's interesting how long did your dad have that club at your location uh we opened it in uh when I was what one it was like an 86 86 wow yeah and then at first it wasn't it was a Swedish smorgasbord right I don't know I don't know there's someplace you would go eat that's why it's not there no yeah and he goes he goes you know Elvis came over here to eat pancakes yeah I was gonna tell you that there was a costume store next to the haha yeah nudies yeah that's been there forever right yeah and I guess Liberace and everyone went over there everybody went over there yeah but Elvis the haha all the guy used to have a room in the back yeah where Elvis

would sit and fucking eat at the back like 29 fucking pancakes he'd go back there these are smallish pancakes I'm 227 so it went from Ola it was called a Swedish smorgasbord then he went to Ola amigos and then they changed it to LA amigos and then they became hacafe and then it was a funny story it wasn't even gonna be a comedy club we just did karaoke and we were dancing that's it and then one night buddy Lewis and Kim will he walked in and go hey do you guys do comedy here and my dad's like yeah comedy go and then he just did a night and then it boom they went great and then it became a comedy club overnight like boom crazy by accident so it's called the haha before there was comedy yeah that's just because he goes I like to laugh and my dad says it's because my

initials it's ha ha which is my legal name hago bass adoring how deep is the mass adoring but he just lied to me as a bullshit it's funny because I had moved here in like 97 and I had done I was a comedy store guy and I did the improv during the week and sometimes I do the live factory on Mondays then the first people that ever come up to me one Christmas to do comedy at that club was the LA cabaret do you remember the LA cabaret is an Encino yeah I'm in tour right I'm into a boulevard and I've been there forever Lee a comedy club right I'm in tour there and I went up there one night it was fucking weird like my life was weird I get off stage at the comedy store at one in the morning what the fuck you think I am I'm dirty the guy books me

pays me says I'll pay you 75 bucks come up on a Thursday night I go up there when I go upstairs the guy gives me the 75 bucks and he goes don't ever step foot in my club again that was the dirtiest thing I've ever heard I go they laughed I go and you booked me from the comedy club because I must have been drunk because I'm like oh I don't know what I'm worried about and then I got a call maybe I must have been drunk yeah something fucking weird and then I got a call a year later and it's Gilbert asked about oh shit and he goes do you know the ha ha cafes and I go yeah I used to live up there because for a while I lived I used to have a girlfriend that lived in studio city and she showed it to me she said there's a comedy club around the corner from where I live so

and this is where Noah was nothing he was not just furniture stores furniture store liquor stores and I went up there Gilbert booked me on a Saturday night and I went up there and when I walked and I'm like this is a fucking mistake this was a mistake there was no door man nothing the late show and it was pure gang members from uh sit sit what's up here what's that sit Van Nuys Pacoima San Fernando a little higher yeah it was all gang members because the kid told me outside no bro we're from Pacoima or something like that we're Richie Valon so much so far yeah and I'm like these motherfuckers are getting people from fucking so much down here I went up there and I said a joke bro and they turned on me was it about somewhere no it was just one of my jokes

that you know I've been doing for fucking months and they turned on me and one guy started heckling then another guy said shut the fuck up so when I got off your mom till I started a war yeah up on the thing and I go wasn't me yeah she paid me she goes you're never allowed in here again I'm like what the fuck bad luck do I got that's it I go I'll never do a spot up in the valley again I always had bad luck and then there was another place that somebody booked a steakhouse in one of these fucking things and supposedly you got a dinner yeah and you do comedy and you get 25 bucks yeah something like that I'll never forget I forget it maybe diamond card and maybe done one of those fucking a Dante yeah somebody like that and the next thing you know fucking

we eat and they give us a bill oh and sure you know you're a comic you order the 16 hours you know you're a fucking gobbler you know you are the most expensive thing on the menu what do you want to order anything I'll never forget that what the guy gave us the $50 and he gave us a check he gave us a bill for the steak and the four beers or whatever I didn't even drink that and I was like well you said when you called he was well after you guys were on the steak I changed my mind what I was like that's it I got no reason to go to the fucking valley you know more two places told me I was dirty when I caused the riot at and the other guy don't want to fucking feed me the steak he told me as and then as soon as I got old enough and that my parents

were taking my advice I knew all the stories about how my parents and when my parents they had they know nothing about comedy they don't know who who's a comedian they don't know the business they were learning as they said yeah but I was like listening to the comics and learning everything and I was like yo this is how it's done I would go to the improv go to laugh at three or the comedy star and just I would before I was a comedian I would learn I wanted to run the ha ha and I learned everything and that's how I feel like the ha has been doing a lot better so I do I do say a lot I put whisper stuff well no no you've turned it more into a comic environment now yeah I tell I started going up there because they used to give it to crazy people on Monday nights

because your mother wasn't there yeah so Casey Armstrong Kate no well I remember I started going up to a marino had it Mike marino on Monday yeah on Monday nights and then Casey Armstrong had it and that was just pure oh my god chaos Monday nights nice that was fucking chaos on Monday nights and the only reason why it existed was because your mom wasn't there yeah like your mom was hidden somewhere they're like don't come on Monday night go to Vegas go to Vegas and shit it was crazy I remember I was I was crazy it was what I'm telling you it was crazy dude I heard stories about uh the wages they were just hooking up in the back like nothing it was just a puke I don't have them and I wasn't old enough yet when your dad had like one night a week that you

wanted to have fun yeah I was a sound guy see I'm strong I come up here with and then I would do first I would do Monday nights was my big night I always love Monday nights if you like comedy if you like doing comedy I would like I used to have a goal of sets I'd do a week like 15 sets but I'd push out four on Monday yeah like Monday was my big night I could hit the store I could hit the laugh factory from the Latino night about 835 and then we'd get in the car and shoot up to Universal City and pick up 40 bucks from Ernie G at the at Roomba room Roomba room that was my favorite I was even older I would sneak in there I would Monday nights that was my favorite then from the Roomba room you could go to the I don't know no no no from the Roomba room I would

go to the store and then I would tell what was the other Monday night place I told you about on Mondays you could you could pop you could have a good night on Mondays there was a bunch of rooms back then the wild coyotes I remember that back then but that was Tuesday and Wednesday Tuesday Wednesdays Mondays and this is weird if you're a comic you it's kind of weird that every night when you're first starting out it's like it's like if you're into music when you're into music Monday night you go here Tuesday Wednesday you go here it's the same thing with comedy and when you're a comic and you remember those names for the like I still remember my open mic week in then it was at the outback on Mondays which was a fucking ugly bar in Boulder Tuesdays I had the

comedy works Wednesdays I had club 52 Thursdays I had what's the Mexican joint across from the tonight show that they just tore down El Torrito El Torrito El Torrito like a motherfucker and when you're a starving comic and El Torrito would give you no money yeah but they'd buy you dinner and they'd give you a $25 gift certificate it's gold so that meant that next tomorrow you could come in for lunch with five dollar bill and eat your twenty five dollars worth and have five dollar tip for the waitress yeah you know or ten dollar tip for the waitress I mean that's how desperate you live you you live like that it's still like that for you in Congress that oh I love it I love it I did us five other night for $15 gas money yeah yeah gas gotta go 15 when they say it's gas money it's

under 15 dollars this is what I'm gonna do I gotta do surgery right I'm gonna have surgery and I can't go out with the tube sticking out of my ear because I don't want to look like my favorite Martian number one and number two I'm with you know with comics bro no but some of you slap me in the head yeah it's good to see you and go to hug me you know kiss me in the cheek or something like it's a fucking godfather unless you know I got a fucking tube in my I mean you walk in a room everyone was yeah they respect no so I give them a hug too so they said listen you can't do dick but what I'm gonna do is because I went out with Lee to that fourth wall mm-hmm I went over to the fourth wall one night we both and he goes over there all the time where's that the fourth wall's

an open mic next to a sushi place at the the the rating is a question mark it's not even an ABC and D it's eat here on your own it's a question mark but it's it's a we've eaten there you brought me there don't don't put that at a bride took him there one time Burbank and Colfax it's next to the 7-11 next to the police station come on Burbank and Colfax you look at this they go further down you go to the 555 the strip club on you know I'm talking about Sadakoi I'm talking about Sadakoi look at that Sadakoi and Rosita it's a it's a strip club with the bar bro about a year ago I had some buddies in town from like fucking Colorado and they called me like hey man because they were staying up here they stayed up here and I saw them at the store and they stayed in Burbank

at that nice hotel in Burbank where all the firefighters stay that the real nice one off the pass Avenue and shit and they called me one night it's like Joey I don't mean to be rude I know you're married you know but you don't need good strip clubs there I go listen I don't know any but hold on I think you called me you called me and I go Jack June I got these dudes they're gonna get their fucking poles up bro the next day they called me they said both of those places were so bad did they I'm sorry they went to the one they ended up going to the one in Godfather and the Kenoga Park which one no the long one I like the dirt it's horrible but there's comedy fans there which one so if I go in they get to talk to the girls for a little while my comedy

is shit yeah the one on Laurel Canyon and Victory Laurel Canyon and Victor when you get off the 170 VIP VIP I worked there did you yeah that's right back to back I did I worked there that place has always there's times I go in like you know you get off the 170 it's quarter to a lot yeah you see it's open I know my wife goes to bed 930 I make a u-turn I know let me walk in there you walk in there bro it's it's just a horror show the girls are pretty yeah the girls are knockouts in there that's it's I mean nothing I mean with the lights they look knockouts when you go in the back room forget about it bro let me tell you something I only went to I think I went to the one in to pick up my ex-girlfriend on La Cienega La Cienega plan B no no La Cienega right off

for something oh I know you saw him up the one where I saw the dude who died the fat dude who died John candy no who's the fat dude that same vein Chris Farley that's where I saw Chris Farley I saw him in when I went to pick her up she goes you gotta see this oh but you don't like to get too close to him down there huh it's like three foot rule yeah what are you fucking kidding me in Hollywood yeah so then up here that one time I made a u-turn as close to Christmas I gotta be going there it's quarter to 11 fucking nobody's around I call Lele's with his girlfriend nobody's out I'm like what am I gonna do gonna yum yum donuts I go to 7-11 torture the guy or fucking even the house close the house close at 10 30 so I made a u-turn

I walked in there bro I paid that 18 bucks to Pat go in to come in yeah I paid the 18 to go in and then they charge you two drinks inside no alcohol alcohol which is another red thing yeah because I forgot if it's alcohol they can't show you that pussy yeah it's just so yeah you can see that pussy they got no no their tits are out everything I mean some of those pussies you don't even want to see I was there for like seven minutes and I got I drank some water and I sat there and two fucking girls came and said hello it's not that they are typing out you get anxiety and as I was walking out bro I got in my car started and the baddest blonde in there popped out and she goes Uncle Joey come back in and I'm like what and she goes come back in and another

head popped out come in come in come on and I'm like how do you guys know we watched the Joe Grogan podcast we can't believe you're in here please come in can we get more in the one time I gotta I got a tremendous lap dance from a girl who said this uh boyfriend loves the show and then I said I brought my boyfriend bro he came she came up to me about my boyfriend loves the show she goes my boyfriend wants me to juice no no no no no no no no no no I totally she didn't talk to me the whole night very very hot very gorgeous whatever that at the end of the night she came on she goes by the way I just talked to my boyfriend he said to give me the best dance I could give you it's okay I had one in my pocket I think I had like 75 bucks I would just give her

like give it to her as a tip so I took it out she goes no no no no my boyfriend he's gonna give me money time when I get home he told me to give you a special one next I know she's fucking completely naked I'm sitting there turning purple I'm a 54 year old guy I can't handle that shit and I said I haven't I think I went back one other time and notice you went and then another another girl came up to me how long it was this I went up there the night George Perez I made did the spot at you one night I went to your club and you guys were going out after it so I called George because I think these guys want to go to the strip club I go tell him to go up by Laurel Kangan and I think I even did go up there with George yeah yeah I think I even did go up there

with George that's great I haven't gone there in a long time because it was dead that night one of the dancers I I knew over there uh her boyfriend got shot on the face in front of the club it was like a couple years ago so I haven't been back since really yeah crazy like there's a pool hall next to it I don't know what happened but in the parking lot in that big parking lot yeah in the back yeah the guy went tapped him on his shoulder went shot him in the face and instantly dead so I was like yeah I always park in the front and then I don't know I don't know no nothing very nice I know I shot a movie one time a TV show at the other strip club that's with clothes on or something which one the one on Lancashire I'm up a little north oh yeah I know

that's 30 so yeah 30 that's like I never talk about I think I shot there yeah I shot a couple strip clubs in my day you have that effect on woman I told you I was at the gym and this woman in this class came up to me and said my ex-boyfriend loves your show and be sure to tell uncle Joey that I watched my monkey this morning absolutely that's beautiful thing I watched that monkey in the morning you can't be at Starbucks with a little nest in the back of your head because that lets me know that that fucking your little monkey smells like a condom he's been watching for the night before and those condoms got that fucking monkey glue on them and that grows and next thing you know you got a fucking tree growing in your fucking kakutza you know what I'm saying it smells like a condom

what are those what's the last time you used a condom Lee over four years and I haven't I forgot I don't like it hey bro by the time listen well I was doing coke you don't care what your dick goes into yeah right comes out it doesn't really matter you just take your chances yeah you're like I'm already poisoning my body I think Dean Dower has a joke about did you wear a condom nah she seemed cool you know listen it's a fucking crap you know I mean last time I had like I was crazy like that I was young that wasn't that bad and I made some mistakes I know I scratched a few times but I think my own fucking immune system got rid of a few diseases I caught on the road

what was itchy everything you know sometimes your neck sometimes you know everything well I was on the road those years bro you know 90 even on that day the cattle the cattle it was a great lady and stuff but let's face it she had threesomes in college yeah you had to check yourself every she was a stripper dog right she was about the worst of the worst so god knows what I got from her you know great personal that's an uncomfortable feeling when you go get checked though and the doctors grabbing I'm always scared to get worse listen you ever been checked fuck I mean I give blood tests to shit like that one time I gave a blood test they told me I'm syphilis oh shit I'm like I can't because I've been with my wife for 10 years

you know so that's wrong I heard you get it from like a toilet though and I went and then they said no it was a mistake oh whoo that was the only time before we had the baby yeah before I had the baby I had to take a drug uh to see if the baby had something down there was there was a mistake there's no fucking syphilis like this I just recently got a life insurance from my you know my kid and I did a whole full test and I was like nervous like I drink I have funny you know and then the they're like oh my god you qualified for the highest uh you're perfect and I was like really I was like I'm like you're lying how old are you 32 yeah so you're young just don't smoke yeah but it was I was I was like surprised I'm like oh thank you like yeah yeah I'm happy

how was your son though he's eight he still lives up there he lives up north I'm gonna see him this weekend for Christmas uh Christmas play you got beef with the wife no no we're good now well originally we had beef and then I kept losing every time you know and I was like there's to be friends and we became cool and we're good now it's great it's we're actually really good like I'm happy for her and her dude she's remarried as a kid amazing it's the best the best thing that when your ex moves on it's it's it's why get jealous go leave it's like the I'm so happy for you know and we're friends now we're good better than ever I'm like I told her I said Oscar is the best thing that happened to us you know like it's we're good you know I'm saying and your

every uncle right your sister in Chicago had the kid am I still had a kid I'm an uncle how fucked up is that it's crazy I go to Chicago one day check into a hotel a little hotel downtown no big deal get on the elevator elevator opens up I look at your sister really on the fourth floor and she goes what are you doing here I don't know what the fuck are you doing here what are you doing there she goes I'm here visiting my boyfriend for the weekend no way this had a beast I can't be didn't tell me this this is way before I could have prevented the pregnancy no no this was way before she got pregnant oh wait she yeah I saw her on the fourth floor and she goes where you perform and I got Zaini's and she goes close take her around the corner I go but stop you know

you live around company the last thing I don't see is a fucking company yeah yeah now she actually really enjoys it she doesn't she didn't live she didn't put the time I put in no but when you live in it yeah yeah I guess when you're in it at four nights a week and guys are hitting on you and comics are being queued around you yeah I get fucking old so I just told I know yeah I'm around the corner but you don't want to fucking show up now but you're you're funny you change it up every time no no no no I just didn't want to know I don't want to felt like she had to go what are you fucking crazy yeah I saw on the hotel that's she was alone she was alone it wasn't like she was with a guy and she was at home and she's married as a kid in Chicago she left everything here and went

over there and it's uh she's how fast you know there's a lot of young kids that listen to this podcast and I try to tell them that your life could change and I fucking blinked I'm gonna yeah she left her family for the better everything for the better or for the worse you know for the better or for the worse you know it's it's it's like when I leave the house I'm really appreciative because I had one of those days when I left the house when I came back the cops were looking for me for the felony so you learned that you know every day it could be something completely fucking different when you leave the house you might go to the corner and a guy runs a red line he pulls a gun yep and he doesn't shoot you but he's having a bad day you never know you never

know you never fucking know man yeah that's why your day always has to be planned your roots your escapes now yeah I'm always looking back every time I walk around yeah me too I pay so much fucking attention and it's not even because of terrorism or whatever it's something that I picked up growing up as a kid in New York City yeah I pay attention to everybody when I'm walking on the street yeah I'm looking at that bong but I'm also looking at why that guy is standing on the corner I'm not attentive to him yeah he doesn't know I'm watching him but I'm watching that motherfucker you know that's how I was in London two weeks ago I went to London in Paris and when I was there I was like a military I was with my girl and I was walking but I walked behind me like I was just

like on point no matter what I wouldn't I wouldn't fucking go to Paris right yeah that's the capital fucking blowing shit up yeah that's New York what happened in New York today I know and you know the other time I'm on stage goofing around and I'm not goofing around they're not going to stop huh till they blow up fucking New York something fucking stupid I am so scared of New York what's your what's the matter with the soda Lee you're looking at like somebody poisoned this fucking soda no I'm cool you're looking at his son like Jesus I wish I had two coke two coke zeros hell yeah but you could tell I don't know if you've been to New York lately yeah I don't know if you've been to New York lately I've been here you know two weeks ago they tried

to blow it up today they did they tried today they did you know many times I was not fucking poor authority you know that guy wore the bomb on the fucking train listen Lee I love you and I love being fucking active and I love all that shit I did my trains I did my eight trains already I did as many as I'm going to do in my life the eight train runs north and south on Broadway and they have the a express and the a regular which stops that's the one you take when you want to do the comedy clubs in New York unless you want to go to these village or yeah but that's the one that stops close to Caroline's and all that you could walk or take it so I'm an eight train guy and whatever with the Yankee Stadium I forget that one and whatever with the Shae Stadium those I took

them up trains so now that guy had the thing on in the train then he went to Port Authority you know Port Authority's like on a Monday morning or eight o'clock in the morning bro oh my god there's buses coming from all over New Jersey the Bronx Brooklyn trains landing downstairs that that's complete fucking case taxis cars taxis cars hot dog stands you know Mike's you know many times I walked out of those doors when I saw that today because I saw that 4 30 in the morning when I got up it already happened yeah I called my niece she was going to work I know she goes to work over there the phones wouldn't go through I finally got a hold of her at about 11 and she told me that she was just in she was in a Lincoln tunnel when it went down oh so no no no if you

live in New York dog keep your fucking eyes open be very vigilant because this is the season when those I don't I don't know the backstory I haven't been home all day I was busy all fucking day but just to let you know that that shit just petrifies the shit out of me when it happens and now in today's world you motherfuckers and I've said this a thousand times with your phones out in the daytime walking around not paying attention listen I took everything I got twitter on the phone and Mike and the real important hotmail the old hotmail the one I give to fucking the agents and everything else I could care less what's on Facebook I travel I don't even take Facebook with me I don't bring a computer no more I bring the iPad I don't put social people are just walking

looking down yeah looking down shit I pay attention to everything I don't give a fucking today's world you have to man and you're traveling a lot now correct yeah uh two three weeks a month at least you know I'm already booking my calendar for next year I got a couple dates so doing good you know who's doing new years at your dad's club I don't know no yeah it's still open yeah Jesus Christ I'm not gonna be there I'm in Vegas that week are you really I'm at the LA comedy club with Edward what uh no me and Adam Hunter okay good and then I'm headlining a one show at uh on saturday at three o'clock like an early show happy hour show and the after those yeah where give a shit I want to pass like group bonds all day long I saw you on instagram uh

month or two ago in Vegas you picked up a show from a show yeah like for cops or something yeah yeah I did uh I was in Reno and I was performing at the lab factory and then this whole front row was just heckling me and we're going back and forth back and forth and it was a great show at the end of the show they go hey just to let you know we're not truck drivers we're cops and I said fuck you they're like no we're really cops I said get the fuck out that they were just drunk they all pull out their badge like at the same time and that we're not even cops were detectives and I said holy shit are you guys serving me again like I was like scared and they're like no we're here for a convention and then they go do you want to party I'm like fuck yeah we I went to

their hotel we're freaking drinking all night and then they had me perform for the whole convention for like 800 people for 800 cops and I did it they gave me a plaque it was it was one of the best experiences ever a fucking plaque and you're gonna snuck cocoa off in two weeks next time you have a party of your house we're gonna snuck cocoa off the plaque I got I got a couple plaques of my day too god knows where the fuck they uh once the coke gets stuck in the leather you get pissed off and you're like god damn it there used to be mirrors in the 80s that had designs on it yeah especially if you have a

friend in prison that's what they send you what if you have a friend that's in prison that's what they send you for prison it's a mirror that you could see yourself with but at the same time there's a design or something so let's say you really like that album cover the Sabbath bloody Sabbath with the skulls and shit they'll put that in the mirror okay so one year somebody sent me one he was in prison that was his gift to me and I'm living in I'm living in snow I just love that concept I think he was in Cali jail it took him eight years to make no no no no no I lived in snowmass and he had done something he had been in county for like 90 days and I sent them I put money on his books and that Christmas he sent me this fucking mirror and I

held onto that mirror for two years I didn't know why but between you and I I knew eventually I was gonna get the snorkeling off this mirror right he gave it to me like and uh I don't know maybe fucking I thought you could have done that the first night Joey no he gave it listen to how crazy this is he gave me the mirror he was doing time in 83 I helped him out and then like that Christmas I got like a box at the fucking door and it's him from county jail it's like a mirror I forget who the fuck was on the thing anyway I give it to I leave it in my room I moved to New York my buddy puts it all in the box and when I come back years later he gives me the box so I move into my new place in snowmass village and sure enough one night I see that fucking mirror

I couldn't find a good good mirror and I saw that mirror and me the asshole like I had red colors and then shit and I took the coke and I flipped it over on the mirror and I started chopping it up and the next thing you know you move the coke around the ink from the rain started mixing it with the coke using like berries for paint or something let me tell you something if you don't think I snorted that pink coat you better check yourself I snorted the ink the fucking glue you blew your nose and opened up and it was the picture I'll never forget that the next day I looked at it I'm like I love if I should go to the hospital or go to the doctor and tell him the truth of what happened because it was gone have you ever done that before

been too fucked up and tell me you don't tell him the truth no no I never went to a hospital god listen bro god forbid for a drug related thing never ever I came close two times I'm not gonna lie to you but you can't fucking go unless you're on your last fucking ticket yummy drug addict unless this phone comes out of your mouth that's the only way I'm putting you in the truck and dropping me how many coke ads are at the doctor now I'm like the fires are giving me allergies and no let me tell you something my friend fucking god I had friends that had to go to the hospital you know when you go home at night you're coming down you get that you rhythm in your heart that that fucking heartbeat and it gets away from you and that's a scary feeling they would downline one

one of themselves I would fucking lay in bed until it just went away yeah I would suck on an orange peel and fucking hopefully that that thing would make my heart stop racing and knock on wood guys I mean I'm not proud of it because you you're you're you're you're born with just so many heartbeats that cocaine takes years off your life it's all right it's like cat years I'm really fucking I'm 54 but I'm like 98 years right now and shit well you got a lot of knowledge well the knowledge was some great stories bro the knowledge was from the fucking mistakes I mean it's crazy that I started snorting coke it's 1979 and I stopped in 1987 you really gotta think about that I was two I wasn't I wasn't born until 88 oh my god so what is that 79 to 80 to 2007 is

what Lee yeah 28 that's a long fucking time of making mistakes that's a long time plus that's a lot of party that's a lot of hotel rooms that's all listen to people's stories that's a lot of people's stories a lot of secret ideas a lot of secrets and I have nothing to be ashamed of I don't judge anybody who doesn't I don't give a fuck anymore I mean you know people gonna do it people gonna do whatever they do until one day they decide no rehab we've all had friends that went to six rehabs and nothing happened yeah they just take a break and one day guess what they meet a girl and three months later it's done the girl meeting you you yeah you gotta meet someone to change you I know there's people on Facebook I could tell I could tell people that talked to me on Twitter I

could tell people talk to me on Facebook that I know when they're on drugs I could tell there's a lot of people go to the church website don't check the church web the Facebook page and they're doing what they're doing I wouldn't have a fucking judge them at all I don't give a fuck I'm happy for yeah I hope they're having a good time if you're gonna do it do it I want you to do a Pablo Escobar style so if you did strong for 28 years how how many years were you having a good time of those 28 years I had a good time for 18 of those years plus it put me in prison plus it made me change addresses 80 fucking times you know you just become a slave to the fucking game

but you see it now and like I said I can't tell somebody what the fuck to do I can't tell nobody what to do but because I know that you'll wake up one day and go last night that was it yeah whether it's pills whether it's cocaine whether it's whatever that shit that's fucking fucking your whole life up you're gonna wake up one day and go you know what what if I wake up tomorrow and go that's it I'm not smoking weed no more and I know I'm gonna come to you guys in a year and go you know what let me tell you what's gotten better since I haven't smoked weed you don't think I know that people but I know it's the last fucking addiction it's the last temptation of Christ if I give up weed I give up everything

I got nothing I changed completely I'm holding on to deal life just so I can be a bad person you know I'm saying yeah this is the only thing I still do that makes me feel like I'm doing something you do a great we tell like what six long heads sure because I'm a fucking professional am I proud of it no but again over the years that's what you can't whatever you're living through right now you cannot bro come on you want me to tell you I mean you've been doing kind of me eight years you know you're starting to see a little bit of success you know what county does to your head at the 12 13 year mark especially when you started with people and they've already gone to Montreal and they're making money and you're still a little stuck yeah it messes with your head

totally so you know I'm not saying that I had any right to do drugs or anything I was doing at the time I'm not saying that at all it's just heavy it's a heavy burden to carry yeah you know I have nothing against people who work a nine to five job but you have a nine to five job you know and the first we all start from zero you know you start all over again the process starts all over again hey what are you doing jack jr yeah you got anything this month yeah call me next week you know high enough okay hey how you doing jack jr maybe send you an email and give me my evils hey how you doing you're gonna swing by my mom's this month do us by yeah what about that room up in Oregon you still got a small 850 you know every fucking month on the first and whether you're

again wait any any job that you have that you're on commission or you're an owner of a job if you listen to this show you know I'm talking about it never ends never the fucking grind never ends and for a comedian think about having to do that grind and then having to go in front of the stage at night yeah that's just part of the fucking grind and yeah you're talking Joey what's the grind consist of how bad you want it you know I used to snort till 330 at the store and then go to a place on in Hollywood Boulevard and sell screws and nails on the phone so we had to start at fucking 430 because that's 730 New York City time yeah so you want to catch the contractors walking in and that's the first time I used to send faxes out to people so Monday Monday at 430 when I get

there in the morning I would send faxes to your mom the comedy store the live factory in those days the improv yeah and then you started abroad uh creative entertainment uh Dana and Don McGraw whatever Dan Dave Tribble now you look at me go enjoy who's David David Tribble's a guy who books in Pacific Northwest this guy wouldn't even take my calls but I still got his fax number he still sent the faxes you think that thing yeah yeah you email yeah it didn't matter every Monday if you were a booker you got a fax from me so if you're a comic right now this is a fucking free tip from me uncle Joey would you put a note on top or something no let's pretend let's pretend Jack is my buddy okay Jack is my I go to Jack's Club and I go up there on Sundays

and I go up there on Tuesdays I go up there on all you off nights I don't bother Jack on Friday and Saturday and I go up there and I stick to my light and I do 10 minutes a one night jackets in a bind Joey Diaz doesn't show up so Jack tells me to stretch and do 20 and I do and I got a pretty good fucking 20 to be honest with you I mean Jack isn't lying the audience is not lying I'm not dirty I'm a little on the clean side you know at the end of that I'll go Jack bro anybody you could hook me up with and bro you start getting these things and I'll call you Lee and go hi Lisa yeah how you doing Jack has a during told me to give you a call or you wanted Jack's friends give me a call in about a month and a half maybe I'll have a feature spot for you leave me a number

you know and then they don't call you back or you know Rudy Moreno he's a great guy I got the town everybody told me Rudy Moreno was the room we got to get in with I called him four times he never called me back yeah that's what I did I showed up in his room like Don calling only yeah and pulled him aside like oh bro what the fuck you don't call me back ah I've been busy well let me get a guest spot me put you up they put me up and that's how me and Rudy started relationship when it comes to comedy you have to do things that are not unsavory but you have to be extra business like so what I would do is if Jack told me that Lee and I'll give you some names Lee Theo Von and Sarah Tiana booked rooms I wouldn't even call you motherfuckers I would start sending you emails every week for

about three weeks for you to look and go Joey Diaz what a fucking Joey Diaz and again and again and again and I would send you the whole month of December and January and I'd make updates that were important like I'm in fucking punchline San Francisco I've never been to San Francisco what fucking punchline you know I'm here I would put clubs that he wouldn't find out because there a sea room anyway yeah there a sea room anyway I mean I would double check for sure that this person didn't have contacts yeah before I started dropping names that's the quickest you like fake clubs um you just say casino I'm doing a casino over here in the middle west let's pretend let's pretend I was doing a guest set at the ha ha for Mars Gibranie all right I would say how you're

doing that day they put openings for Mars Gibranie I'm not lying yeah but I'm not really telling the truth do you see what I'm saying I have done that you know have you ever you ever going anybody here ever go to a commie show and the comics the the the mc says coming to the stage this guy's been seen in Game of Thrones and all of a sudden you watch the fucking guy on stage and you're like I seen all the Game of Thrones three episodes the time ten times a piece and I've never seen this motherfucker and after the show you get up and go up to him and go excuse me during the little fucking interlude there you said that you were in Game of Thrones not for nothing I did 18 episodes I saw 18 episodes who the fuck were you and they'll tell you well what really happened was I did the

episode but I got cut yeah I got cut because my hair was longer the producer didn't like me well then you didn't really do the episode yes he did yes he did if you go on my mdb there's nothing about Bronx County shooting that pilot I shot that pilot there's nothing about like two other mbc shows if I put them down and you question me you're not gonna catch me by pants on it's not when I like when I was looking for a job when I was looking for a regular job everything I put on the resume was a lie oh my god you know I used to put this this uh I'm not gonna say what they are a friend of mine worked there and he was like an assistant manager so I would put down that I worked there I go I would call him and go what did you work there and he'd tell me off from like

February of 86 to March of 87 so I would put his name down like I would put Joey Diaz but worked for manager so I fucked him up like they would call and they go did Joey Diaz work there from February the guy would go no we never had a Joey Diaz he said he worked for a George Jack Juni we got a Jack Juni here huh that's weird how can he say you know I'm saying throw him up yeah so sometimes they think about it go yeah give him the job like sometimes they call me up and go well they said they didn't know who you were at this place they said you didn't know who you were at this place I didn't really give a fuck man when you're trying to get a job you gotta do what you gotta do if they catch you with your pants down then you're not gonna get the job you gotta have

coverage yeah I did it on a commercial audition Vinny was going in for the audition I was with them and I went and I just signed in and then like oh who are you here we don't have you on the list I said well the guy told me to come and I made the whole thing he's like all right well and then I gotta call that but I didn't get it but you gotta take chances like that though you know oh no I've cracked and seen the old days you would crash on this yeah that was the name of the game you know me fucking auditions I cracked cracked the longest shot hmm I crashed along the shard I crashed American gangster there's a bunch of movies I booked because I crashed yeah I crashed to come out you know how there was a time I didn't have a commercial agent and one day I called Darin they already

do me a big favor I need 200 bucks and he goes um I'm not gonna be in Hollywood till about like three and I wasn't doing coke don't I just got into a spot on a Friday and I need 200 bucks he goes well I'm not 200 South Lebray I'm at the other one I'm at South South Lebray doing an audition if you live in an LA or the LA area whenever you audition for uh what used to be a commercial the big ones are Santa Monica Ocean Drive I go there so and then the one up here Ventura Boulevard and then the one on over a petco I would have loved to go because I would go inside and get cat food and cat toys and shit but then there's one down more Ari said to meet him there so when I get there to take the money Ari goes by the way they're seeing mobsters in that room in there like a what

like what up beside my name same thing she came over and she goes don't say yes don't say I don't see your name on here I go yeah they called it I don't know she goes who you with I go Ari who you went aqua aqua and they are I going bam I booked a commercial so I showed up on an envelope aqua signed me and that's how you do it yeah I said nice and easy where's Tony better cocksucker I want to be around to pick up the pieces how many more stars are we got the some somebody twice as smart or somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me

Let me give some shout outs real quick first off to my main man Gordon Warnock coming up and supporting all weekend long and bringing me a beautiful album. My girl Jeneca Jones made three types of banana bread which Lee was delicious the one with the walnuts. I love walnuts. She made chocolate chip banana bread. Oh, I didn't get any. No, you get dick. You left. You had to drive and then I opened up a thing and she sent a wallet for my daughter so she's beautiful. Collins sack note. Hubster, you know, I love you. Bob, Becky, Oliver, whatever your name is, Tim Purcell, Kevin Gilbert, Brandy Lynn Gibbons. My girl, Jeremy Sladegoff, Bitfoo, and my man

Jeffrey Collins always causing problems on motherfucking on Twitter today. You know what I'm saying? Telling people I don't know something about fucking Denver and no fucking reefer. So you and this is what you want to do. You're the head of the fucking club. If something happens, nobody could raise their hand. You bit slap everybody. Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones. I got two sisters. I'm gonna take care of them. You guys relax. It's a weird thing on the comedy club isn't it? Now it's on the side of the fucking coin. Yeah. And to see, I'll never forget man and I still think about it. You know, when I moved to the valley, the ha ha was right around

the corner. You guys were having a phenomenal time in there. I gotta tell you that that was the first time ever that I was sober that you guys made me laugh because I knew exactly what you were doing. I remember that. You Rico and poor Di Agostino who I loved with all my heart. So funny. And it was something to watch you three every night. And then the other crazy fuck really, you know, I'm a 50 year old guy. My daughter, my wife just had a daughter. You know, we just had a baby. We were living in the valley maybe two years. I enjoyed the valley and I would call over there from time to time and go down there. And I would just sit

and watch and you would always be a gentleman and offer me something. Your dad, if you want to eat the water, your dad loves his fucking fruit late night. And I would watch you for guys. And it was like being for me. And it made me a good, you know, I prepped for the Gabriel Glacius show at your club. I just told you, Agostino, just count on me to show up late because the taco stand was on the corner. Yeah. So come on, you know, skinnies, right? And skinnies across the street. Yeah. Skinnies, the taco stand across the corner. So I didn't have the comedy store in those days. I basically sat home, my wife on Fridays and

Saturdays and watch TV. What, you know, your mother solicits as long as he's dirty, he has to be on last on Friday and Saturday. Still like that. So I said, fucking fine. So I would go down there, go last to 15, 20 minutes and then go get fucking four tacos and a hot dog with fucking bacon on it. You know, but it was just inspiring to me like I was going through whatever the fuck I was going through. I was becoming a dad, but watching you for fucking, no, you weren't watching you for idiots because that's exactly, I remember being one of you guys and you're an idiot. We were idiots. You know, I remember you said, Oh shit, Jack,

Junior chain smoking on a go to one. Oh shit. I would see it because I knew what time it was as soon as I walk in. Dude, when you said the finance also I'll repeat it. You're like, Oh shit, one eye on the tip jar, one on the register, halfway home, make the call. Forget about it. I got one eye on the tip jar and one on the register. Do we still say that till this day? It's so funny. Oh my God. Cause you know, I worked at a bar. Yeah, there is nothing like the most frustrated. Like my mother was a genius. My mother was a genius because my mother knew from nine to three

that's your business. If you don't want to cry, if you, if you want to save yourself millions of dollars and anguish and aggravation, at least I add, if you ever buy a bar, make me a promise that until the night you sell it, you're there from nine to close because nothing is going to rob you. Yeah. Listen, they're just going to run. They're just going to rob you every day till this day. I don't know. Those years that I was doing coke and drinking, you know, before we turned the podcast on, I was talking to Jack Jr. And I told Jack was at the store one night and I was telling Jack, I pulled them all and I go, Jack, I'm not accusing

you of anything, but do me a favor, whatever you do, don't do cocaine down here because once the word gets out, these people use it as a weapon against you. Even if they do it with you, they'll do it with you. They'll do it with you. They'll come to you and go, where can we get it? And then three days later, you'll hear from a manager, listen, don't come up here no more. What's his name? Said you sold them cocaine or tried to sell them cocaine. You're like, what the fuck are you talking about? So, you know, it's because I had experience up there. Oh, I used to go to the finals, Lee. And I would, there were some nights where I

had no choice but to stay up there because my girlfriend was waitressing. So I would stay up there and I'd be drinking those rum and coax. You know, if I was taking, drinking 10 and 12 of them, what do you think Jack's drinking? What do you think you're drinking? How's that bar making a profit? Yeah, nobody, nobody, nobody. I saw people destroy bars. When I worked at Tom and Corkees, when I worked at Tom and Corkees, when I used to hang out at Tom and Corkees, when it became Gregory's seven day weekend, you know, he wouldn't come in on Monday nights. It still made money. There was a two dollar bluebird

special, the cans of bluebird armaged juice with vodka, two dollars a piece. Fucking tremendous, Jack, Johnny. We go in there with a fucking eight ball on the Monday night to watch Monday night football. Do when I used to, when I used to DJ at the strip club, the manager trusted me like crazy. He'd leave for like an hour. The Russian dude never came back and I would be in charge. I would literally tell the girls, just go tell all the customers you're going to have sex with them. And then when they take their pants down, just signal me with your hand and I'll raid the room. I'm like,

what the hell are you guys doing? And we'd rob these fucking customers. We're literally like five, six, eight, but we make so much money for that hour when the manager wasn't there. And then we split it. Like we literally like, you want to go to jail? You want to go home? Give me your fucking money. We just take their money. This is on Sepulveda. We taste them. That's a scary business. Yeah. Because those are cocaine's are going, those are demented people late night. They're out there trying to cheat on their wife, trying to get a blow job on a strip club.

And they're just with their ankles, their dicks out. That is fucking crazy. And with the flashlight with a big mag light, that big ass one. And I would just boom, come in there with my Armenian ass. You were so, you know, you hear all these stories about all these places on Lancashire and the valley where there's like runaways and fucking there's a place from bad eyes. They're all Cuban chicks to the hot and shit. Well, my biggest fear is going into one of those places. They got you. They got you. You don't think they're illegal. Those people, they're not stupid.

They got cameras somewhere. Because one night, guess what? Brad Pitt is going to want a piece of ass one night. He's going to walk in there a little fucked up. And they got him in a month from now. He gets a letter and they want 80,000 fucking dollars for the fucking tape. Yeah. You don't know, but this is how you have to assume people think. Yeah, it's crazy fucking people out there. You know, strip clubs are a crazy fucking business. I don't like them. Like for a guy like me, people looking me and go, this motherfucker goes to strip club four nights a week. I was never a strip club guy because I used to go to the best strip club when I was 16.

They stuck a banana up their pussy. What'd you see a banana in the second best place is Toronto Canada. Yeah, there's nothing like a strip club till you go to Toronto. You put coins at her. No, you can bite that pubic. I kept biting that pubic. You kept putting a monkey in my face. And on the way back, I worked the pubic kids and she go, ah, yeah, I'm a savage. You know, I mean, I don't want to stick with that all anymore because I work there. I know what's up. Yeah, you know, I see the girls like, oh my god, can you see my tampon? Can you hide it? Like, can you look at the string? Can you babe, when I go on stage, can you put like bright lights, like a red lights, no black lights,

because my stretch marks like, I know like all the secrets. So there's no fantasy. It's not hot to me. Now I go there. It's like, oh, these bitches are just disgusting. Before I left Seattle, one of the best jokes I ever wrote was something about, this is why me and Felipe Sparza till this day, whenever I'm stage at some point in the night, Felipe will always yell tampon fool because I used to say a joke when I first moved down here. I was having sex with my girlfriend last week and I was going down there from behind next, you know, I saw a little string. I didn't know whether to pull it or light it. That was my joke and Felipe used to love it. That was one of the nastiest jokes I ever said. I used to go, I didn't know whether to pull it

or light it. So I lit it, you know, that was it. That was my like comedy story joke, you know. So for years, Felipe would at any time pull the tampon fool and guess what? The other night I did it in Sacramento, off the cuff. I haven't done it in 20 fucking years. And the other night, it came to me when I was on stage. It was those alpha brains I took with the with the TEC fucking stars that night. I ate like 10 stars and two of them between shows and when I went up there for the second show, I was in a different planet at the 40 minute mark when they gave me the first light was the first time I came to consciousness and I started getting an anxiety attack on how to tell the audience, let me tell you what's going on. Let me just stand here for a minute

and they thought I was fucking around, but I really wasn't. And then I had another 20 minutes left to me. The alpha brains kicked in and I fucking just laid it on and let me be legal and Jesus Christ. That was a CD right there because I was talking about kind of know what happened. Sometimes you go and say that was it. And the other thing was it was the fucking end to a, I had done eight shows that week. I did three shows opening up for Wheeler Walker and guys, you know what? I do two weeks a month. I like to work out during the week and I never took a break after the special. That's what fucking killed me. That's lesson number fucking one. And I didn't listen to myself and I kind of went to New York. So as I shut that special, I should have gone home for 60 days

for two, three weeks. Just get your bearings back, lose all that material, lose it mentally, lose it. You know what I'm saying? The material I was doing till Saturday night, out of that, I got 10 minutes because by the time I come back, then I can remember Harvey. You know what I'm saying? I lost all that. I have a feeling Harvey is going to be in the news for a while, but we'll still work something around the other thing. We talked that thing and they still got a couple things I'm working with, but I wanted to take this time off. It clears your mind of bad habits. When we work a lot, we pick up bad habits. We get good, we get solid, but we're not HBO solid. See, we get really good in one direction if you're shooting a special, if you're preparing for

something. But if you're just going on the road and trying to put together 15 minutes every week and switching it up so you're always fresh with a club owner and the wait staff goes, bro, that guy comes in here with four different sets. You know, if you do that type of shit, then what are we talking about? A fucking stone. If you want, when you're doing it for a while, you get good minutes and always the right time. You pick up bad habits. You'll say something during your set, you know, and that's why, like I get out, go, you know, you start going here to go jokes. I want to get rid of the to-go jokes. Yeah. And when you do those jokes and they don't do well and then you're like stuck like,

oh shit. Okay. We all have to go jokes, which are jokes that we go to that are 90%. They take you right there to 90%. It's like slam dunking. You know, when you don't, when you start going to those early on, you're starting to burn out, shit's going on. I'll never burn on comedy. I love it too much. I'm just trying to get ready for 2018. You know what I'm saying? Let me get the surgery done. Let me take this little breather here. You know what I'm saying? I can't take cross-country flights for a while. You know, I got to stay close to home, Tempe, you know, San Jose, shit like that. You got Oxnard. Yeah. You got Ontario. You got fucking, I'm going to Albuquerque for the first time. Nice. Next year. I got dates and fucking Austin.

I don't have a lot. I'll tell you that much. I'm sitting at home until I figure out what's going on with Netflix. Netflix gives me a special. Then we're ready. You know, it's, and listen, it's so hard because you're doing comedy eight years. I'm doing comedy 27 years and I'm still struggling. I'm still in the same boat you are. But I love it. It's only a different ship. I'm in the same boat, only a different ship. I'm over there swimming towards you. Yeah. No, you're not even swimming. You're in another boat making progress, but you're guys one engine just with that. Yeah. Okay. My problem is I got a good engine. Yeah. But now the fucking windshield. I got no windshield. You know, I'm sure you haven't. But have you seen this show that the amazing race

works like you have to keep doing obstacles or do like challenges or puzzles or something against teams? Wow. It just seems like comedy might be something like that. Like how you're a few steps ahead of him on the path, but it's the same path. You know, and this, when I talk about comedy, I want you people to generalize it as any art or even law school, anything where you fucking got to put your life into this. This is what you're going to do for your life when you commit to something, especially as hard as comedy or being a lawyer or being, I'm going to commit to painting portraits. I'm going to fucking feed the family of three, pay a fucking mortgage and keep my wife happy and put away money and retirement by painting those fucking pictures.

You see those pictures? Would you do that, Lee? Would you look me in the face and go, fuck you in your podcast? I'm going to fucking support a kid in Paula, paint those fucking pictures. I believe in myself. Lee, what's your plan? You know what my plan is? I'm going to have fucking paint different themes every month and I'm going to go into a restaurant and cater it and have people come down and pay 25 bucks. So I cover my thing and look at my art. And if I sell, I could do six in a month. If I could sell two of the six, I could pay that. And I'm like, really? And you're like, yeah, that's how I do it every month. And some months I get lucky and sell all four of them. They figure out a niche for themselves.

You gotta motivate yourself. You know, like I want to put food in my kid's mouth. I want to get him what he wants. I want to give him that Nintendo. That's what motivates me every day. Is it still Nintendo? It's a Nintendo Switch right now. It's a new thing. How much is this thing? I bought one, three, 25, bro. That's not bad. That's a lot of money. You want me to make shirts I got to sell? Do that. At least, you know, it's a closet hustle. It, uh, for me, it was once I got it, I got it because it's like selling Coke. Only it's

a different energy. You know, one time when I was locked up, this black dude said to me, can you imagine all the energy? You see, I know all the energy you're doing to doing bad things. Think of if you took that energy into doing good things. I'll never forget him. It was like close to Christmas and we were outside and it was cold out and we all had those prison Lee jackets on with like sweat shirts underneath and he was a black dude. I can't remember what his name was. It was the librarian, me and maybe somebody else. Chicken Hawk. No, it wasn't Chicken Hawk. There was a Cuban kid when I was locked up. His name was Tanner Hill.

He was a fucking trip. He was a gang member too. Something Tanner Hill. I think about him from time to time. I always sit here very puzzled that nobody I did time with from that fucking halfway house or whatever has ever reached out to me. Do you know that? Oh no, we had the one kid, the one kid that was my roommate and he sold him Coke and he tested positive. And I kept checking the bro. This is one of the funniest things that I'm in the halfway house. I'm about to get married. My fiance is three months pregnant. Okay. And I'm like, Sam and the Bo Gravado. I'm selling cars and selling Coke. Hand in hand. And most of my action is at that fucking halfway house.

Of course. Like till this day, I still sit there and every six months I think about this shit and I go, how, and they knew I was bringing them. I was like, hold on, hold on. They knew I was bringing them because bro, when I'd pull into the parking lot, cause I even got to the level four where I could drive a car. I was a car salesman. So they gave me a car. When I would pull in, I would see all the invicts jumping up and down there. Where would you hide it? In my ball sack. Wow. I put a half ounce in fucking grams in my balls. You could hide a half ounce. Was it a broken operating? All into grams.

And by the time I walked into the building, everything would be fucking gone. And one of the guys was my roommate and his angle of being awake all night was that he was shaving. Oh my gosh. So he would sit there from two in the morning to six with steam on and every hour the guard would come in and go, Oh, what are you doing? Shaving. How can you be shaving? Because he'd be sweating. Cover it up. So if you keep doing that, they'll piss you. I would fuck with them from time to time just to test them every time I stood up past two next morning. I had a piss test like fucking automatic. So I knew if they saw me up past fucking 1130, I was getting a piss test. So I would always do blow and lay down and just jerk myself off. And just look at the stars and

make sure I would pee before they would come in the room. If they catch you peeing, you're getting a piss test. And you're getting a piss test. So it was crazy. That was their psychology. Why are you up watching TV? And if you beat them 10 times, then they would stop. But they would bang you up. I had a neighbor in one of the rooms that was clean and sober. And he was, in fact, he got, he tried to get an injunction against him because he was calling it like prejudicial. He was white though. This dude was white and smart and intelligent. He had cash. So he said, every time I'd stay up past, he goes, I'm a fucking night hawk. He goes, look at my prison. I mean, like I did like 10 years in prison. Look at my prison

shit. I was a night guy. I worked in the night yard or some shit. He goes, I worked nights. My body's still used to nights. He goes, every time I'm fucking up, I'm late for work because they fucking piss me and they piss you on the way out. So they don't even come to your room and knock on the door. So now you're already running late to work. You've been snorting below till 430. You got one hour sleep and they stop you at the door on the way out. Excuse me. Go fucking pee and you ain't got no pee in you. So you have two hours. So you got to wait. You got to wait. So you got to sit and drink water from, you could leave, but when you come back and pee, they sit right there with the mirrors the whole thing. Jesus. What are they doing with mirrors? They watch

you. They're not even nutsack. But I kept beating them, man. I beat them for months. Undefeated. They caught me. They caught me two times, but you got to assume they hit me with fucking 40 fucking piss tests by the time they got me with the second one, so up a second, but that's, they just play the field like anything else. That's a great record. Yeah, I got them. I got them because I would time them. I played it clean just to watch them. I watched how they would maneuver off my reactions. So if I came home late from selling a car, I knew I got piss tested. You know what I'm saying? Even though when you come in, they breathalyze you. You were probably the best car salesman ever. No, no, yeah. I could picture that.

But that was the thing. They were always, so for the first two or three months I played them. So why didn't you just try not to get tested? Well, me? Yeah. Because after a while they just played it, but after a while I got to know their tendencies and I knew what they would do. So what I did was I stayed clean, but I got greedy and I was selling coke and I would pick it up with my hands and it would go through your skin. And one time they got me out of that. Really? Yeah, it goes through your pores. No way. It goes through your... Must have been picking up a lot of coke. Yeah, you're picking your way up an ounce. When you weigh up an ounce and it's fucking right off the fucking bat of light. You lose 0.5 at least. Yeah, it goes licking your fingers. Yeah,

you're doing the whole fucking thing. So I didn't realize I came up hot that time one time. And then another time I came up hot three months later. So they talked about putting me in rehab. I cut a deal with them. I cut them out of those six to nine rehabs, like six o'clock at night to nine at night when they taught you for four weeks. And then they let me back and I got back to level four and that was it. But yeah, dog, I... That's crazy. That is fucking crazy. I still think about that shit and I laugh my ass off. But yeah, they pissed me. I watched them for the longest time because when I was locked up, they didn't piss me at all. The rumor was they were gonna, they peed people. Yeah, they peed the old junkies, but they didn't pee. And then we started,

they said that you couldn't get tested for acid. So we sold acid and we did acid. We were in prison. You know what? There's a sale on acid today, guys. It was a sale. It was good acid. Me and the librarian. He was a genius. He did a couple of hits of acid. You get a group on. There was no group on. There was no Armenians. There was no Mexican Armenians and enjoy. It's the last place I want to do acid would be prison. It sounds like a terrible idea. Why would it sound like a terrible idea? Oh, because it just makes you think of all the terrible things you, like you've done in your life. And then you, then then you like have panic attacks and you're already in prison. See, that's you because you plan everything out and you think

everything out. Oh, yeah. When I did the acid, I wanted to think about my life and where I was going and what opportunities and what possibilities I had. That's it. Only you, Captain Doom, because it's in your fucking dungeon, you DNA, not to disrespect the Hanukkah holiday. Happy Hanukkah, think the shit like that. You see what I'm saying? That's why people have, whenever somebody tells me they have a bad trip, I laugh my ass off because guess what? I out tripped them by 300 hits. I can look you in the eye and tell you I never had a bad trip. One time I had to turn off the exorcist, but besides. What are you talking about? Were you in prison too? Watching the exorcist? So funny. One year was my birthday when I turned 17.

Happy birthday. I bought a, I bought a fucking me and a bunch of savages went out to Union City and we bought a $10 bag of THC crystal, aka fucking horse tranquilizer, aka fucking gorilla biscuits. This was way before all that shit. This was when you were doing Angel Dust. It was just a modified Angel Dust. Come in. It was, it was a modified Angel Dust that you could snort. We were probably, I don't know. What the fuck am I talking about here? Angel Dust, you back then in the, how old were you? The first time I did it probably 3rd to 14. Jesus. Oh, that fart is tremendous. I know. You got, you got to wait for that little bit. Little bit. Wait till the lead gets it. It's not bad. It has a little bit of star action too.

It smells like wasgumies, hermanos and shit. No, I love snorting that shit. It made you feel like Gumby Dust. But the first time I went down there. What does that even mean? Gumby Dust. You just feel all soft and shit. Remember Gumby and Pokey? Yeah, of course. Okay, Gumby. I had their fingers as a little child. Okay, Gumby. They remember Gumby was all bendy like that? Right. That's what you feel like, Gumby. Your eyes are almost shut. It's so crazy. His eyes are shut. His eyes are almost shut. He's on star probation. I'm on probation. So no, no, no. So we would go down, we went down there one night. Oh my gosh. I think I did that in a fucking, in a hit of acid and I went home and I put on the exorcist

to watch. But I put Black Sabbath master reality on to listen to. And that was the first time I had to take the earphones off and go, this is ugly. This is not good. This is not fucking good. I'm not doing this. But besides that, I never had a bad trip on acid. Even after the death of my mother, that's what cleaned up my head, dog, because I would think about my life and I would think about my mom and then we kind of put everything into perspective. Not on acid. I disagree. Let me tell you something. I want you to do me a favor. Sure. Let me talk to you about torture. Okay. Okay. And this is man to man. My favorite album at night, when I would come home at night and I would be like in the daytime, I'd be with Jack

and Vinny and, and Di Agostino and be by your mother's house and your mother knew my mom had died. So she'd invite me off for dinner at night. I become family and then I go home and take a shower. I was staying, you pick me up. You know, it was that type of lifestyle. I don't know what the fuck I'm going with this. What are we talking about? It was a, I'm talking. You see those stars hit me too. You guys are both fucked up. How many, you guys take a lot of star. I mean, you still have a star right there. I might need that one. He has to eat it. He has to eat it. He has no choice. He has no choice. Too many. You don't remember what we're talking about. You don't remember what we're talking about. Your eyes are closed right now. No, we're talking about fucking bad trips and

I would never think that way. That's what I'm trying to say to you. If you ever took that, like even the time we did it, somebody put that compilation of you giggling. Right. Oh, it's so funny. Yeah, you couldn't, you were having a great time. I didn't know I'm not thinking all that, but I'm, it's scary. No, no, no. Oh, I want you to put on black Sabbath, megalomania. Okay. I would at night, at night, I would go home after I did a hit of acid. I would go home and take out a couple lines of coke and play this song at night and play it real quick. Give me one second. Why is it taking so long? What's going on, Doug? You're slipping and shit. How do you spell it?

Just put black Sabbath. Right. And by the time you get to megal, it'll come up on our zone. Megalomania. M-G-M-E-G-L-E-M-A-N-I-A, something like that. Got it. These things, I'm no fucking spelling bee champion. I just try it, right? Think about fucking being on acid, and here's what I would torture myself with. Just put this on loud. And I'll speed it up a little bit. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going.

Keep going. This is like self torture here. I heard this on the radio the other night, and I almost crashed the car. It was on Ozzy's phone. This is very emotional for you. No, not at all. Do I look fucking emotional? No, I mean when you were driving. No, no, no, no. I just heard this, and I don't listen. I don't have this album in the office, so I don't listen to this a lot. This is as scary as it gets with me. Oh, yeah, fuck that. Oh, no, no, no, no. I can already tell it's bad. But kick it up. Kick the mule up.

This is my acid song. If I ride here, I'd be in the corner shaking me. Stop it. Stop it. And then Ozzy right here. The ghost of tomorrow from my favorite dream is telling me to leave it off. Are you fucking kidding me? This would go through my head. You keep slipping away. Slipping in tomorrow. Are you fucking nuts? 17? This is why I don't give a fuck. He's awake now. Are you fucking kidding me? This is where I listen to. This is Soulja music. To listen to this, you're going to be a fucking good level. Right here. Listen to what he says here.

He just goes after Ozzy. No sex scandals. Nothing. They were fucking the kings. This is 1975. They were going up against Alton John. They were going up against the Eagles. Are you fucking kidding me? But no, this is the acid trip song. Anyway, on that note, Jack, you're having your what? Your fourth anniversary party? This Wednesday night. The hot comedy club. Doug, I'm happy you came on. I've been wanting to have you on. Appreciate it. It's December. I wanted to put you on. Merry Christmas, man. Thank you. I was invited, but I didn't come because I was tired. I understand. I fell asleep. I was a long flight.

That means a lot. I had five fucking shows. You've been very supportive. You know, I love you and shit. And I want you to come back and leave. How are you feeling over there, Cuck Sucker? I'm feeling really good. We've got a plan for Hanukkah. Happy Hanukkah to you and your family. Thank you very much. You're going to call your family tomorrow morning. What's the story and let them know. He absolutely felt he has a good presence for people, but it's going to be a good holiday. I can feel in the air too. Speaking of presence, every year, millions of people receive the least like gift of all time underwear, but we still give it to our family. Our loved ones who just don't want it.

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when you go to naturebox.com slash showy. That's naturebox.com slash showy. Listen, it's healthy. Stay healthy over the holidays and start 2018 with the health care. Right or wrong? Why you gotta start 2018 minus now you gotta go to the gym? Forget about it. Go to naturebox.com right now and get 50% off your first order. That's naturebox.com slash showy naturebox.com slash showy. Now you're eating healthy and you got nice underwear, but if your asshole stinks like 10 dead camels, what good is it? Right or wrong? That's why when you're writing your Christmas list to Santa this year, tell that cock sucker that one, he still owes you money. And two, all you want for Christmas is your asshole to be fucking tip top magoo. When you got access to

pine cones and dingleberries hanging from the fucking bowels of your asshole and that fudgy pudding smeared all over the fucking sides on holy night. Nobody wants you at the house. You need a tushy bidet. It'll clean your ass better than any fucking toilet paper on the market. All right. You know why? It uses clean water to spray that muffler, providing you with a shallow, fresh feeling after every fucking monster shit that comes out of your ass. I mean, look at you. You're a fucking muck-de-law. You're eating like shit. What do you think's gonna come out of your ass? Flowers and roses and that shit sticks to the corners. Is that what you want? Even if you take a shit and you wipe it, all that mildew and horror sticks to the corner of your asshole,

next thing you know, you're walking around with a cane. All right. No more skid marks, no more sugar burn ferries hanging on your ass crack. Just an asshole cleaner than a white Christmas. They now come in millennial pink and blue to add a pop to color to your bathroom and even two models with fancy bamboo knobs. And they start at $69. Santa could afford this. All right. It's just $69. So stop wiping with that fucking nasty toilet paper and get a clean ass with tushy. Go to hello tushy.com and use promo code church to get 10% off your order. I want to thank Jack as a durian junior. Listen, if you see him in a comedy club, opening for somebody, you got the stealer approval. He works hard. He's got heart.

And if not, he wouldn't be on the show tonight. And I want to thank my little goomba leech over there, the Christ killer. And I want to, and I want to wish him and his family a fucking special honor because I love him. How do you say it in Italian again? I love you, mother fuckers. Wednesday was starting earlier. Rick Ramos, get your paint, get your pencils and paper. It's going to be more of a video type podcast. Don't forget Felice Christmas present. When you go to Amazon, click on the church. What's happening now? Banner, right? Go to the joey, go to joeydia.net. And there's an Amazon banner there. Click on there for Lisa. And you know, I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great night and we'll see you guys Wednesday. Stay black. That was amazing.

What's it gonna do when you get out of jail? I'm gonna have some fun. What do you consider fun? Fun, not so fun. There's no beginning and there is no end. Diamonds and presents in that dimension. You take my heart when I walk. Ruling and lucky. It's one time I'm glad I'm not a man. It feels like I'm dreaming, but I'm not sleeping. Amazing, of reputation. The touch musicians such as Josie Fallin' raise expectations to a new attention. No one can answer. Why would smoke smoke you up in the sun?

We need to take it to that mornie. Red eyes extending with snot and lobby. Oh, God, we're here. What am I missing? I shall miss you. I'm here only in his power. We want him saying, let me talk again. I'm here only in his power. We want him saying, let me talk again. I'm here only in his power. Step in and welcome to a girl's display.

Who needs to think when your feet just go? Who needs to think when your feet just go? Who needs to think when your feet just go? If you see him, please remind him I'm not your boyfriend Where is the genius of love? He's got a better life for freedom Where is the genius of love? He's so lonely

He's got a better life for freedom Thank you for watching!