Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #544 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: December 20, 2017

Kate Quigley, Comedian, actress, and host of the "#DateFails: Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.ag - Join now and MYBookie.ag will match your deposit with up to a 50% bonus of your first deposit. www.mybookie.ag. Use Promo code CHURCH to activate the offer.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 12/19/17  

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Oh Thank you for putting on the church of what's happened now. I got the beautiful and talented Kate Quigley. Thank you The price killer if you look up fucking punches by Lee looks a little like Lee We love bad boys. Oh, that's true. You said you did you did you do 23 and me go? I don't need to Pontius pilot is my great-great-great-great-grandfather. That's the only time anyone ever said I look like a bad boy So I'll take it what you got. You look great by the way Cleaned up. I'm gonna go to the gym. He dressed up for you. You've been going to the gym

No, I got it. I got a butt. I got a polo shirt on Amazon. I have tons of polo shirts No, but this one I wore one on the last podcast. This is a good color You look like a Navy man like a sailor fucking looking with the black death, right? He's gonna kill Kate's pussy It needs it it's a little sad and lonely good to see you Kate quick you too. I love you When did I see you last? I'm trying to think out of your birthday party. I feel bad. Don't feel bad apologies You know when you get out of sometimes I get in the fucking car after I'm with People talking for two or three hours and you have like nine missed calls Some people you have to pick up the phone. Yeah, of course when I get out of it, but my friends from Jersey

They don't understand that shit So when I got in the car I had to call one of them back and they got to talking and next you know I'm on fucking Laurel Kang. I'm like fuck. I couldn't even believe you were gonna come. I try you I don't even get listen. I don't do dick. I know I hate all those things If you're over 12, I don't come to birthday parties. All right, I know that's why when you said I'm gonna special type animals So I love you and sometimes you have to go out of the norm Break your little cushion, but I never break plus if we're gonna drive by it on the way back from on the way home Yeah, let me fucking go over and say hello

Yeah, I did it at saddle ranch which is like two blocks from the comedy store and the laugh factory So I was like everyone will stop by honestly. It was the best birthday I was depressed because I'm getting old and I was like, I don't know. I don't even want to celebrate it but then I decided to and then Everyone came like I couldn't believe you know sometimes you don't realize like how many people care And then you do something like that like some of the people that showed up Terry You know Jack Jr. Who was on yeah, Jack his mom who owns the ha ha comedy club came she's like you like she doesn't go To shit. She's like 60 years old

She fucking put on makeup and a hot outfit Dude she looked amazing and she even went to the wrong saddle ranch first at universal and then realized and then came all The way over the hill to the other saddle ranch and she partied she got drunk It's just like flirting. She was amazing. So I was like super touched. She came My ex-boyfriend came who I thought hated me and I couldn't believe he showed up and then oh And then I got a surprise birthday present in the mail today from Dustin Penner I have to give him a shout out. Do you know who he is? He played hockey for the Kings and the ducks, right? He sent me a magic wand vibrator in the mail

It came in my mail today. I opened it. I was like this is amazing So it's been like I feel loved it felt good. It was fun. We gave you a nice present You guys gave me a great gift. Thank you. I'm being showed up like yeah It's good to see you. You know fucking the house. You're not going home for the holidays No, I'm gonna stay here this they're gonna get fucking drilled next week the east coast really snow. Yeah, is that they're saying? That's great though. Not if you fucking flying in there. Well, that's true I like Christmas to be snowy though. We all do we all do but then but it's well fucking hours for it to be snowy You know what come to the house or free some mice

Yeah, we'll call the columbians. Yeah, call the columbians. It's it's crazy because I Just I don't know. I would love to take the baby and my wife back to her parents in Tennessee. Yeah prize them But the M said man, I'm like always shit two fucking storms. That means delays Even if there's not storms honestly every year. I say I'm gonna stay because one Christmas I did go back. No, didn't you go back one year last year? I went back But like only one Christmas I stayed here I've gone back every year cuz I I love my mom and I mean she always kind of she doesn't mean to she always guilt trips me You know about not coming back. So like she I'll tell her I can't afford it

And then she'll be like I totally understand but then every time I do anything she'll be like I saw you had a couple drinks last night who paid for those can you put that towards your plane ticket? So I always end up going but one year I stayed here. It was the best Christmas I ever had not that I don't love my family, but I went surfing I kicked it at the beach I ate Mexican food and then I went to karaoke with a bunch of comics and then I ended up kissing a stranger It was awesome. It was like the best Christmas ever. So this year. I decided to do it again. I'm staying here I'm not gonna go home. I'm gonna serve food at the lab factory and then probably go to the beach That's it. You know, it's kind of weird when you have like a rough year

And the holidays are gonna come up and you like how am I gonna survive with me? No, you're like fuck And then Thanksgiving is always like a half one maybe the uncle that died fucking made stuffing or something But you know then the holidays come and you expect to feel really shitty And something weird happens that you end up feeling good. That's what the holidays are. Yeah, it's like feeling good by mistake It's true. Like this year actually Thanksgiving. It was funny because I was supposed to go do a gig And then at the last minute something came up with the gig and it got cancelled So I ended up being in LA with no plans like I found out the day before it was cancelled So then I didn't know what to do

I woke up Thanksgiving morning with no plan and I text my girlfriend who's new in town was like What are you gonna do today? And she's like, I don't know and I was like, you know Do you want to just go to the beach and like fuck around? She's like sure So I put on a turkey suit like an actual full turkey costume And we went to the beach and I tried to surf wearing a turkey outfit Which I'm a horrible surfer but like I like to try and we took photos of it And then I like played with little kids and then we went to again We went to a taco joint and drank margaritas. We had no turkey nothing that resembled Thanksgiving, but it was like

So fun and in some ways being here for the holidays because I grew up in Ohio So being here where it's like sunny and warm. It doesn't even feel like I'm missing a holiday I can forget so easily that it's even a holiday. It's just no traffic. It's just a nice day with no traffic That's it, but I was so happy. I think I like being away from family for the holidays That's what I decided There's no stress and I can drop by in the summer and surprise everyone with gifts for no reason and then I'm just like the cool Aunt that came home and like gave out gifts and money for no reason instead of just being like there at the holidays Where no one even remembers that you came, you know, I mean and then I'm sad because I'm the only one single and

The only one without kids and then my mom will be like, who are you dating now? And then I have to like list off the whole you know team just kidding. I'm just kidding. There's no team It's only joking. But yeah, the holidays. I At first I didn't think I could survive the holidays without like being in Jersey Like I still remember my first Christmas out of Jersey. It was like heartbreaking, but then I woke up Christmas day And I go, you know, I'm so hard broke. I'm gonna go skiing. I Never skied before I'd skied why put skis on one time. Where were you? The first time I ski was at the Playboy resort in New Jersey with a bunch of fucking morons doing blow and we didn't even ski

I had a Playboy resort like a Playboy ski thing. This is a no way. I had midnight skiing. Oh I love Midnight and you got you know midnight. What do you do? What is like, you know, I didn't think I didn't think that one out That's I see that's like what you would the zip line. You didn't think it out. You know saying I didn't think it out I'm like wait a second. It's fucking 10 above that, you know, zero In the daytime and I'm going to fucking mountains to fucking ski and I didn't even think about I went with jeans I'm like a t-shirt. Oh, yeah, I was a real fucking. It was your first time. Yes. Yeah, so you didn't even It didn't even matter. Oh my god. You prepared for it

You know, the other day I went to Disney on ice with my wife and the baby You did oh with the Disney on ice with a hundred kids from the school And you know, I just fucking know from going to hockey games when I was a kid that yeah Whenever you go to anything with a hockey ice, it's gonna bring a fucking jacket. Yeah Well, I just know this in my head, but I don't share it with people because I think everybody else knows this to paint Oh god, don't tell me your wife didn't bring any we get in the fucking car and while we're driving She goes oh my god, my friend just called me from the school and said I hope I bring a jacket for me and mercy because we're gonna be cold and I go you didn't know that I cuz I didn't even notice

Mercy had like a little hooded sweatshirt on. Oh god, but she took it off. She was great. Well, she's a kid They don't feel anything yeah, yeah, I saw her shorts in the snow like Anything When does that add like now I feel and now I'm like cold all the time as a kid I would just stand outside. Yeah, you don't give a fuck. Yeah I was talking to my friend the villa today and we were kids He had a shed and the shed had no heat and We would go back there, you know, the night started on a villa shed and never ended there, but every night

started from the time I was in the eighth grade To maybe Six months after I quit high school a villa shed was always a haven. It was big He painted the walls. He had Sabbath bloody Sabbath on one wall. Oh, yeah No, no, no, you had volume four on one wall He had the wall pink Floyd on one wall He had a drumkin in there and a martial lamp nice and if you got too cold just play the drums Dude, I remember as a kid the people that like some of my neighbors had those sheds and their parents would like give it to them as

Like a clubhouse and I was so jealous. I just wanted to live in one tremendous Yeah, you freeze in the winter like you want to drink back there. You're gonna freeze I don't know what you guys are talking about my ever was that had like bikes and like equipment in it You didn't have like friends that had like a little clubhouse in the back. They closed it off and they had a door No, so it was like an extra apartment in the back. Yeah The the the the floor was linoleum that shit you install on your own and we went back there five nights a week His mother would never go back then bother us. They the boys told him I do us a favor You know go back to them barris is yell for us and we'll walk

Well, isn't isn't that the place where you had the punch with the bees in it? Yes So maybe they should have a dick wait punch with bees in it one of the first parties. I went there with There was three of those There was Michael Anthony and Steven, okay? I was friends with Steven, but the real cool one was Anthony and Michael was older He was already out of that whole scene. Yeah, so when I was like a fucking freshman I would know right I had to be yeah, because my mother was still alive And I went over there like at eight o'clock and it was me stinky and a villa or the only

Kids that were allowed at that party that the older guys would let it because we were with his brother So I was just last yeah, it was a Saturday night I didn't go uptown and I went over there not thinking anything and they would double the type of guys always punch it when they saw They would all come over and fucking punch Come on. Give me a fucking drink. Can't do that now guys. No, they get my drink me to and they fucking got a cup It was like a little that cup right there And they stuck to just go put your hand on the punch and they just put your hand in the punch a thousand hands I've been in that punch garbage can whether with a liner, but the garbage can was still dirty

Sounds like the last factory holiday party and they filled it in with fucking every booze imaginable and mix Oh my god fruit and then they put bees in there bees and some of the people eating the fucking bees I started drinking that magic punch and at the end they told the state that they duped it with something like acid or something But I was a young kid wait the bees though. I have no idea. I never I've never been to a fucking me I don't fucking know. I think that there's like poison. There's like some Bees that make you high or something bees in that fucking thing So all I remember is drinking with them having a great time and the next thing, you know I open my eyes and I'm on and the Sun is halfway out and a cop is standing on me with a stick

His name is Ray Ernesto The cops name is Ray Ernesto and I was on Richie Sonsulo's lawn Cuz I hung out Richie Sonsulo. I was just passed on his lawn How'd you know the cops name because we play basketball when I'm at the courts? Oh, you already knew it We were kids. He was the only guy that had the audacity to show up with sneakers and colored socks So we would torment them people would leave fucking Ray Ernesto showed up with colored socks fucking oh my gosh The kids in my neighborhood was strict about that rule. No colored socks at the courts, bro What why cuz you bring bad luck? They tell you that in high school in the 70s and 80s

If you had colored socks in my high school when you went to gym class, they would send you no gym today You're kidding. No, I would have worn colored socks on purpose every day to get out of failure Because if you cut your foot the ink from the sock I'm looking for the cut and you get a poison My school was against the most made-up shit I've ever heard. I swear to God. I swear to God My school was anti-colored socks for everything used to make socks white socks white with red White sweet socks weird racism White No, but they start to color the white socks, don't they yeah, but not that

Gotta be fucking white that's it. They bleach white Right, never mind the stripes. What colors are socks just naturally when they make them white off white page Doesn't fucking matter my point is kind of white, but they weren't whiter my point is they want the fucking bar Then if they wouldn't let you wear sweats and that wasn't my just my school That was a bunch of school districts. Fuck that's cool. I would rebel I would wear fucking neon socks every day. The only time you can wear colored socks if you play baseball With those black baseball socks with the little thing because it was only one inch on your heel What do you think your gym teacher would say if he saw one of those like toe socks things?

Oh, they throw you out of there first off One of the kids in the class would beat you to death before you even Before then we didn't play like that done. They didn't play like that. We take Jim serious I don't want people have stupid rules for no reason Oh, the funny like joe joey. That's all joey. I grew up with unwritten rules that are bullshit I grew up with unwritten rules that were rules and you know Can I just can I just tell you I can't say where but I just did a comedy show tell me if this has ever happened you I just did a comedy show somewhere where they made you

Turn in your id when you got there and take an employee badge and you were not allowed to drink until the show was over At all they took your id so you couldn't buy alcohol anywhere and I was so annoyed because I'm like I'm a grown up I don't even normally drink before I go up But I was so annoyed that I went and found alcohol And drank just to be like Fuck the system because they said I couldn't drink and I think it's so dumb So I went and bought tequila when you make the decision to become a musician when you make the decision to give up

Your ordinary life an american life to become a musician or an artist Or to paint or to do comedy and all that shit guess what man those job rules don't apply to you That's how I felt okay. Why do you think I'm so fucking burnt out because comedy Comedy is this thing that you do it's a grind and you know But it's this thing that you do when you fall in love when you get obsessed with And then it turns into something else it turned into a business And that business wears on your psyche because you're an artist you don't you know all you want to do is make people laugh You're so right you just want to make people laugh and all something becomes just no you can't perform there

Because there's not enough seats. What are you talking about? That's my I still get beat up for doing the punchline in san francisco And every time they call me with an offer they try to sneak it by me Yes, so we're gonna get you in cobs. Listen. I finally had to send them like a note the next time you tell me about cobs I'm done Don't talk to me about but you're right Wednesdays don't talk to me about Thursdays. That's the struggle that makes your brain tired. I know you hate sundays Don't talk to me my sunday. There's no reason why you should have us out there. You want us out there come come fly out

And do the fucking show up me at seven to see how miserable is to miss every flight by one hour Because that's so true one hour Yes, you can't even take a fucking red eye in this country anymore. There needs to be more midnight the last flight out of la x is 12 59 When I was growing up, you could take a 3 30 to chicago. You're right actually 3 30 in the morning You could take any clothes there once you were flying in that motherfucker all night long jack So right you could take a 4 a.m. To miami It is interesting though because you're so right. I mean like it exhausts you You just want to make art. That's it. I get so tired because my brain

I'm so overwhelmed with all the business side of everything everything's a business and everything's and all you want to do I have a book and a job one time Guys you come out of here. You're fucking bro. You're fighting every month. You're fighting so bro Okay, you break it down to the month and then you learn to break it down to the I was down to the day I lived for the day I had it down to it's the day You don't know what's gonna happen because I had this little promoter that used to call me this big fat black dude And he always give me a gig and always go. I got a deposit for you

And you know with me and Felipe we used to always take his 500 And then he called or something the dog. I cancelled the gig then he calls back two weeks letting you listen I got another date. All right, send us a deposit. You motherfuckers ain't right No dog that deposit you gotta have it. Yeah, it was for a date. You fucking banged the south for before Do you know how broke I was when I first moved to la? I got this shithole studio apartment In now, it's like where the target is in west hollywood santa monica and labrea back then it was so ghetto It was all hookers and crackheads. You know where the target is. Yes. Oh, yeah I remember before they even had the before the target was there. Yeah, this was like

11 12 years ago, right? I was so broke. I rented this place I site unseen because I need enough. I have one day to find an apartment. I was in my car sleeping in my car So I've rent this place. It was section 8 housing. I didn't know Yeah, I didn't even know it had a pool though. That's why I took it It was the only place I could afford with a pool So I was like, fuck it. I'll take it the pool by the way I definitely had like aids swimming in it. Like it was the grossest dirtiest pool I take this apartment. I have no furniture

I go in there with an air mattress. I had a tv tray for like a quote desk. No tv nothing I'm sleeping on the floor on the air mattress After a couple days, I go to the grocery store to buy food I waited like three days. I had no money to get paid for a job. I go to buy food I come home with all my groceries and I realized that I didn't have a fridge Because apartments in LA don't always come with a fridge. No, they don't come with a fridge But I didn't even notice there was no fridge. Some of them don't come with stoves Yeah, I was so exhausted from just like moving here and I was already auditioned

Like I hit the ground fucking running like auditioning acting classes. I spent all my money on that I come home with these fucking two bags that I like walked home seven blocks And I get there and I have no fridge So then I all my shit went bad because I couldn't afford a fridge And then like a week later I bought like a dorm fridge off some dude off craigslist for like 20 bucks that had like mold growing in it I was so poor But I was the happiest I'd ever been like I lived like that for six months With no furniture, but I was doing I started doing stand-up and I got lucky and I booked a gig

Right away on a tv show just one day But so I felt like Oh, I'm in the right place. I'm gonna make it. They already love me I booked a job and then after that I booked nothing for like two years Yeah And I was so poor I booked a pilot a fucking commercial And something else And then the weld dried up I couldn't fucking book a headshot and my manager was really good at the time

And I broke up with that girl me and her got into a fight in the fucking street And I took a flight to miami like a week later and I stayed in miami for six weeks and just house emceed And he paid me like 300 a week. I stole like 400 a week How did you steal money? I need these skills how it was fucking craziness and then You know you So I was telling when I first got here I couldn't find an agent so I had a sign with an agency called the coloring book

It was two black chicks one was a really bad ass attorney though bad lethal lethal Yeah Like whenever she booked you a job you were getting paid like paid That's good because she knew all the numbers. Is she still an agent? I'll take her no They both left the one agent that was my agent. I loved the dealie her husband cheated on her with a white chick So she moved back to dc with the kids the other one The husband cheated on her with a white chick and she moved back to Atlanta

So they they used to keep in touch for years if you ever get something let us in on it But the reason why I stopped talking to when I really liked her Was because when reality got really hot I was here right before the boom Rogan was already on fear factor the first year and it was off and running. Yeah I was with this agency called pj linder and associates. They were a host agent. Let me tell you something every day They had my Cuban ass out Spanish shows that's American shows. They didn't give a fuck And one of the shows well, they got me a meeting with this guy

I don't know what his name was but he was gay or they'd fuck And I started talking talking talking and finally he goes, you know what? When you speak it just My soul he's telling me all this shit. He was in love with you. He goes. This is what we're gonna do Did you get cast in couch? Please tell me please tell me Back to my hotel. I want to show you some script. No, can I jerk off in front of a plant? He was he was really soft guy he looked Like not a tough guy, but he looked like a little assertive guy

But after 10 minutes, I just broke him What do you mean all the feathers became flying out? What do you mean you broke him because I was telling he was asking me stories And I was telling him stories about my childhood and he was kind of like getting teary-eyed and shit And I broke him like I brought and he goes. Oh my god I kind of grew up the same way I was You know, I was and I'm like all this guy's gay and then fucking I didn't give a fuck and didn't do with me He was one of the first people that really listened and he goes, you know what?

I have these friends and he got right in front of me. He got on the phone. He goes, hey man You guys still putting that game together that game show and they go We're thinking about it, but we had a bump and he goes, what's the bump? And he goes, well, we don't know who to cast who we really want once a lot of money And he goes who you want to cast to sit right in front of me What game show is this it was a game show where you go out to dinner with your husband and we burglarize your house Shut up something just that's a game show This is this is it was like a reality. How do you win?

It was like a mock That sounds amazing. It was mbc It was fucking mb at that time. They didn't know what was gonna happen. You burglarized the house Not me. Me. Me. Not me. Hold on. So they were picking up. They were picking up everything Cake quickly. They didn't know what reality was gonna buy. They didn't know that that the bachelorette was gonna be popular They did not know these things. So this was a slash. What what do you call those things? What are those cars that a half electric? Half fucking hybrid. This was gonna be a hybrid show

I might have seen this. Is this no no. You never seen that This is 2000 in like the early 2000s with two guys who were breaking into houses But that was to teach you how guys are breaking This was a show where a family went out We got their alarm codes Oh my god, this is evil. And then we broke into your house and I was the host of the show And these people broke into your house and then How did you get your stuff back? The kids come home. They're like crying like all their shit is gone something really weird and then

Was the game show like taking place inside the house? Was the game show like how did how far can you be pushed before you kill yourself? All I remember is guys But they had me at paramount In front of a fuck like oh like right away like Like three weeks later this fucking thing started and they're like you're the man They came to see me at the store They stayed for two spots and they're like you're the you're the host. That is perfect for you. They're like you're the host So we go back we go back and forth now. They want to do a screen test for the network

So we go to paramount and I get up on stage and the lights are behind me and the houses And I got to do this fucking spiel Right. So okay the show's gonna go I had a manager had an agent at the time my agent was good, but my manager was just brilliant He was just brilliant. I was too bad to be with him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah He was over talent like he had he had no business signing me But he thought that he could get a show with me. I still feel like that now like he thought I could get a show Yeah, so he was powerful as fuck

Well, fucking he wakes me up the next morning guys. I'm broke as fuck Okay, I'm living with Terry seven hundred hours a month around. We can't make it. We got three or four cats, you know You ready for this guys? I got a call Bling Joey Jeff. How you doing? I talked to those people last night I got them up to 15 000 episode for the pilot and if the show goes you're gonna pick up 27 five Holy shit first time on tv for the episodes per episode. Holy shit 13 episode commitment Did you listen to me bro? I'm telling you a fucking story. I love when you call me bro. You gotta broke the fucking driver This went on

This went on for like a day and a half Then I got a call from my agent. This is gonna happen to you. Can't wait. Are you ready for this Lisa? You're broke. Lee. You're broke. You just had to borrow money from your father You're about to borrow money from your mother and your agent calls you and tells you got a meeting The next thing you know, they want to do a show and you're the host on mbc not fucking Oxygen or fucking mother Luke central you've been here for two fucking years Lee two years you've been here and mbc is already barking And your manager just calls you and says to you listen to me

They're gonna give you 15 000 for the pilot And if the show gets picked up, which we have so much power around it You're gonna get 27 000 episode for the first season. Oh, okay. Lee you're gonna hang up the phone call your mother Of course, you know, okay I'm fucking the last static. Okay. Now mbc wants to see me again back down in paramount I don't know why we're going to paramount we shoot down a fucking paramount And there's the black agent and jeff my manager. Who's a barracuda? Okay, we go into the office. They talk to us

We're gonna type up the contracts beautiful. I walk out of that room. All I'm seeing is coke rocks and All I'm seeing is coke rocks and women that look like you That's all I'm seeing women flying women getting fingered sucking dick eating ass the whole thing 27 5 That's that means right off the bat. I get 275 thousand now I'm getting about 400 thousand when it's all said and done I'm fucking walking out of that room and all of a sudden the black agent Turns around and looks at the little jew and she goes hey

I think you're undercutting my client No, oh my god. No, he goes. What are you talking about? He goes you're undercutting my client My client she'd be getting 25 for the fucking pilot And 35 for the fucking episode and I'm looking at her and my insides are falling apart And she's like well, I'm the agent you're the manager you weren't even supposed to negotiate the deal What the fuck so I'm going back in there just to let you know that's that's I'll report you What did you do? Tackled it like a football play shit coming out of my ass. I didn't know what to say. Oh my god. I know you don't even go

But wait a second Wait a second one time. You know me guys I don't I don't even like saying this type of shit. Let me put it this way She talked I'm not gonna give you the number like I was flat broke living in seattle And cbs came to me and I called My friend and he told me called her

So I called around for two days first to see if a real agent would sign me and everybody was like fuck no We don't give a fuck who you I was sending everybody credits semi-finalist in the seattle comedy competition And then they take that fax and shut up your ass. Nobody wants to sign you chubby And I fucking she signed me Yeah, she goes what does cbs want to give you and I go I didn't ask I don't even know what they give you I don't even know what they're supposed to give you. She goes a unit. She goes a unit. I'm not I'm not new. She goes, okay She goes, have you ever acted before I go? I did a college film that won the boulder colorado film. It's just shut the fuck up I go, yeah, but I'm like, yeah, but they won the festival

She's like shut the fuck up with a college film It's like, okay, and I go she goes. Have you ever done anything before and I go no I did industrials in seattle And she goes, okay, she goes, let me call you back and she calls me back And I'm not gonna tell you the number because I'm embarrassed. I was living in seattle. I was living in a fucking office I was living I remember that and you know, I had a car that blew up and shit And this bitch calls me and she goes listen There's what they want to offer you. No, she goes you have a fax I

Go, yeah, my office and she faxes me the fucking offer And it was peanuts and she goes, that's what they wanted to pay What do you think I go? I don't know. I gotta get all the way down there from seattle. Yeah, she goes, okay Give me an hour And the number she came back with compared to the offer mbc that I saw on the paper Yeah, was I just I was like, how did you do that? I just like that's what I do. Yeah, she was dope and she goes. I mean, this is she was black and she goes I make niggas money

She got them to move with me. Yeah, no way. I had no furniture. I had nothing. I had a fucking duffel bag I have a duffel bag. This is all for them like a plane ticket. This is for a different show not for the game show No, no, this is for a different show. I'm just telling you how bad to the bone she was That's yeah, she was an amazing So you so when she said she was gonna try to get you more money you on the inside And the inside was like she did it but more money more blow. Yeah. Yeah, you know what I got that more money more more blow You know So now they're both fighting and he's like, what do you want to do?

And he's like, well, if you do this it's gonna be hard for me to work with you and I go dog It's not like she's talking out of line Yep. Yeah, I get it. You know, it's not like she's talking out of line. Yeah And then she went back for more money and then they came and she got me like She bumped them from 15 on the pilot to 22 five Nice for the pilot. She did a job. Yeah And then what they were doing was putting final touches on it and making calls And one day she called me and she goes it all went away. Oh

It's so hard wait till they get into an argument in front of you over money And the agent is young and that's because the agent negotiates. Yeah the manager guides your career He talks to you about your next move what you want to do. It's just all bullshit You know, they don't tell you shit. They don't talk to you. They don't call you back It's so heartbreaking though That happened to me with a show on vh1 that I was like I went and test shot for it and everything and made the pilot Everything and they were like it's gonna go through and it was not a ton of money

But more than what I was making for my playboy show and I was so sure I was gonna get it Everyone loved me and then right before it was supposed to start shooting. They were like, yeah, they decided not to even make it I mean, they just decided to scrap the whole show and I was like Fuck no one understands how often that happens. We're trying to get rudy on for next week rudy saw zone my musician buddy because I watched that documentary And lee at least not a music guy, but you should watch it anyway. I'm definitely gonna watch it. It's called Hired gun What's that about music agents? It's about hired guns. That's cool. Get hired

To join a band for a salary And what happens then and what happens to their careers and interesting how they get, you know, they they get money for some of them We get money for writing Some of them don't get dick. That sounds great. Actually, where's that on it's on netflix on netflix and they talk about you know, they talk about Not bruce springsteen, but the other guy billy joe He started his band with these three guys And he did all these tours with them in one day He's doing this new tour

And two of the guys three of the guys two of the guys don't get calls And it is fascinating. Yeah And then billy joe never even called him and gave his next name. He doesn't need he could hire anybody in the background And one of the guys killed themselves. Oh And then buddy de Vito the drummer went on and then one day buddy de Vito was going through the voice He went up to billy joe and he goes, hey man Can you uh, give me some extra money and billy joe told him I can't do it And all of a sudden he wasn't on the plane with him no more

Damn pretty soon. That's not when you're that rich and that greedy though. Like billy joe No, no, no, he had just got robbed by his management. Oh, okay going dollars So now he put a fucking seat belt on everything Because I just seat belt on everything if I had money I would pay for all my friends to do everything. You know what I mean? I really would like my good friends like my friends that have been around like I would never let them pick up a check ever I just feel like once you have it So many people struggle. You know, it's an interesting episode in the Sopranos where

Christopher gets pissed off because he has to pick up checks He's the low man on the totem pole. Yeah, and he keeps us to pick up checks. These are 800 dollar checks. Yeah These are not 42 dollars 1069 for a bag Chipotle seven people. Yeah, no, no, no, this is fucking Morton's Morton's six. Garoo is going to eat like that. You pick Morton's by the way They went to a steakhouse and he went to Atlantic City And he episode And he goes to him. He goes and Christopher goes into Tony. He goes. Amen. What the fuck?

I'm pissed because I can't keep picking up these tabs. He goes. What are you fucking talking about? You know me fucking tabs I picked up and fuck you He goes pina lugas with fat Tony Salerno. Those guys are ordering cigars and fucking wines and So he goes, listen, what are you mad about? Sunday some kids are gonna buy you fucking dinner. Let me tell you something for years You know when you go on the road with Joe Rogan that motherfucker doesn't play Like that dude just does not play like he goes to fucking Morton's

Yeah, we we go like we were so generous. He's very generous. I see him tip 100 bucks a drink sometimes. Oh, yeah, and and you fucking You have to do that. Are you gonna run with Lee? I'll pick up a tab, you know, you're trying I'm not leaving You know, whatever the road, whatever the fuck. What are you doing? Lee sitting there looking at you like a fucking Chinese Go get me a drink Buy my drinks Lee. Lee's looking at you from behind going Jesus Christ when I do the smell of shoulder How do I do the smell of fucking shoulder?

Can I ask you something? This is this is unrelated But I was thinking about you talking your first year in Hollywood because you're a guy obviously and I'm a woman I'm curious like my first couple years in Hollywood probably first two years I went to so many meetings and auditions that now in hindsight. I'm like, oh that guy Definitely just wanted to be in a room alone with me for hours or you know, I went on auditions How long are auditions for you? I went to okay. Listen, this is what I mean I wonder if this happens to guys or if it's only women because when I was new in town

I would go to any audition. You know how it is. You'll say yes to anything, right? I had this audition one day for a short film And the kid was like he'd won like two awards for like other short films. He made I'm like he was young But maybe he's like the next Steven Spielberg like who the fuck knows I'll go so I go to this house and I show up and the kids like so the scene you're in Is you're playing the girlfriend of the father

And you sneak in the house late at night to have sex with this guy and his son's in the next room over I play the son and I'm gonna hear you guys fucking so We won't see you fucking but we'll hear the sex noises and then we'll show you Sneaking back out and then you run into me in the hallway. I'm like, okay, cool So we're gonna run the dialogue in the hallway. He's like well first. I want to get just your sex sounds On camera just because that's gonna be you know, we need you to make realistic sex sounds mind you. I'm like 22 23 is my first year here and in my head. I'm like this seems like not real like why would he need my Sex noises on camera

But then I'm like well this kid has won awards. So I should probably I should do I was so stupid I got it off like actors access. You know how it is you submit for every fucking thing So I'm like, okay. Do you really need the video? Can we just record the audio and he's like, well, you know, we're then we're gonna run the line So we'll just tape the whole thing So some kids somewhere this kid had to be 21 by the way and in a mansion in westwood Probably like his parents own this place and he's doing this for fun I sat there and faked an orgasm like when harry met sally style

On camera for this kid and then I did the whole thing. You for clothes on during it. Yeah, totally have my clothes I'm just sitting on a couch slate my name fake the orgasm then afterwards I go Okay, so um now are you ready to run the hallway scene and he was like, you know, actually I don't think it's gonna work out Like my fake orgasm wasn't good enough So I had to leave and I didn't get to run the lines and I got in my car and I cried And I was crying partly because I knew I didn't do a good job But then at the time I was also like married and I was like so green

And I also cried because I felt guilty like I was like, oh my god This probably wasn't a real audition What if I just like kind of auditioned for like porno? And I started crying and I called my husband and told him and he was like horrified like I can't this is why you should come back To the midwest you shouldn't be out there. He wasn't even here with me. So some kid Somewhere has a tape of me when I'm 22 Fake orgasm. He's already worked off A thousand times imagine how many girls he got he put like some chinese and that shit happens here

All the time. I mean, I can't believe when you were saying that story What's on uh, you know what hollywood high is You know what hollywood high school the high school. Yeah. Yeah, it's on. Yeah, isn't it like hollywood and highland? Yeah Near there the sunset now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah sunset and highland. Hold on one second Okay If you think of going east, there's a little mall in there There's a little mall in there. Yeah, I know They used to have a buffalo wild wings or starbucks. There's a burger king and it's across the street

I know what you're talking about. There's still a starbucks. Well that little mall in there in the bottom bottom floor There was a little fucking theater I don't know what it was called, but it was a fucking dive And I had gone there to do something else. I'm one that's in theater And I was the type of guy in those days. There was a girl that lived in town Yeah, remember she used to book the sushi joint on kawanga Ye 10 for ruby ruby ruby on kawanga Ruby or kawanga in hollywood boulevard you walk 50 yards

And there used to be a japanese restaurant that was booked by this girl and it was the coolest place On tuesday night. It was the coolest place and I lived around the corner. So what I was trying to do was to get Comedy more in the area like the ios doing comedy stand up on fridays and midnight She ruby ruby did it on tuesday nights. I think in the place would back up with agents and shit Oh, wow. Yeah, because there's food in that area and they got shit to do. Yeah, it's different locations They won't go to the improv in those places. No, that's too easy for them. They'll go down there But for them to hunt talent, that's so weird that they would be like a sushi bar show Oh my god, it was a sushi bar like a japanese type bomb, but

You didn't have to be japanese to hang out there. They had pool tables and shit And the comedy was great. Like I even I think damon still has tapes But I tape from there like I put yeah, like four 20 minute tapes to put on youtube. Yeah But what the fuck was the point of the story? You're talking about weird auditions like that? Okay, so I Get a call one day and they're like listen man Uh, some people want to see you for a movie I go no shit. I'm all excited

And I go who are the people they go, you know the theater over on Highland, I'm like Yeah, I don't say that and they're like they're doing a movie. They got the producers They know a bunch of people they're gonna get into festivals They're gonna finance and you're perfect for one of the roles I go okay, but at that time I had the fat ball in my neck And I was just about to get surgery. I used to have a fat ball in my neck It was all cocaine cut from all the years. You're not serious. I'm not serious. It wasn't it was like a fucking ball of fat

It wasn't cancerous that was in my neck and whenever my heart would beat The ball would go like this it would go up and down. No, oh you have no fucking idea You're freaking me out so bad. So they had a cut right here Rogan talked me into going Rogan was you gotta go get that taken care of did they biopsy it when they took it out And there was cocaine in it. No, but in my mind They showed it to me and that's what it looked like. It looked like a big ball Of cut It looked like a big ball of cut that had been cleaned away from the cocaine

And kept going through this nostril and it just developed by my neck over Yeah I thought there was actual blow in it like they cut it open and it was just all your blow caught there So I go for I go for the first fucking audition And at this time I had done movies and shit like I had done a lot of shit And I go for my first audition and listen It was uh When they called it was a big feature and blah blah blah blah blah

And sunny red's gonna be in it and this guy's gonna be in it And then when you cleared the smoke it was $50 a day ultra ultra low budget And my role was nine days full days And I'm sitting there and I go, let me go down there and read. What do I got to lose by reading? Do you know I go on down in red? You know the guy said to me what? He goes, listen, I want you know, we're gonna make believe this didn't happen Shut up. Yeah, like he was in the mafia because we're gonna make believe this didn't happen

I'm waiting to come home and come back in two days and do the read That that you could do this a lot better you're cutting yourself short He had two idiots in the room with them with little fucking hats like they were like fucking sterlings like professional actors And I looked at him like I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to start a fight with the guy And I go, you know what man? I'll come back in two days if you think that really wasn't me and that really wasn't me I couldn't do coke and I had to do coke Back then because I had the surgery. I was gonna have the surgery about that time

So I was going crazy inside. I didn't have time to focus on fucking sides, especially with $50 If you want to call me in for $50 I'm like, I'm gonna read the sides in the room when I get at least it was a real project. They were making It was get the fuck out of here pretend like you just you just did it for nothing Listen, so you know what the movie was a boxer in a brooklyn neighborhood Goes, uh, you know Go the mafia wants him. This has been done already Who do you play? It was I who I have no idea. Are you the boxer? No, I'm some mobster

This is not gonna win an academy award. This has been done already. It was no big fucking deal and the next thing you know He calls me I go down there and I bang it out and he goes, bro You have to read again for the investors Right, right. What am I the investor? Mom and dad and What the fuck the family He said, you don't understand your role is a significant fucking role in this movie Oh my god, this you're gonna knock it out people gonna love you after this movie

Some people go crazy now. Oh my god. This is why they go crazy. This is why everyone goes and I'm sitting there No, I'm thinking about this 50 fucking dollars if this was a real movie. I wouldn't be getting 50 fucking dollars a day. Okay Dude, that's so boom. He goes, I'll call you and we'll let you know the date when you come in So Guess what? It's nine o'clock at night. This motherfucker calls me. I'm supposed to get up and go to surgery I'm supposed to get up and go off 4 30 in the morning and be a see the sign that by six

And this bitch is telling me your audition tomorrow is at five in the afternoon And I go I got bad news for you, brother You told me you were calling me a few days. That was a week ago. I'm going at the surgery tomorrow. He goes Well, if you want this role You should come in here. Oh my god You know what? Let me tell you how I feel in the morning after surgery. I'll let you know. I'm sorry. It didn't work out

He goes, I can't believe you're doing this to me. You were the top. You were the top choice I picked you always over all these stars and shit And I'm sitting there going wait a second stars Went into your little clubhouse. This place was a theater that sat 60 If they were in the backyard it was like a shed in the backyard If you go there now all it could be is like a fucking closet the fucking brooms. Oh my god So he said you don't understand. We have big money. We have wise guy money in this. Okay

So I get my surgery Listen to me. That was fucked up. I've told this before but I went uh Guess what when I come out of fucking surgery I got an audition for Hannah Montana Shut up a call back a producer's session for Hannah Montana I went in for Hannah Montana 18 times and I would run to those auditions. They were right around the corner from my house Plus I wanted to be on Hannah Montana. I watched this show. Is that Disney or Nickelodeon?

That's one of those right there on Sunset because you on Nickelodeon is is just hilarious Well, the Nickelodeon does background checks, but I passed it. So they're looking for fucking pedophiles not coke deal is Yeah, for sure. That's why they hired me. Look at my resume. I got a bunch of Disney stuff Disney XO Yeah, I got a bunch of right. You're right that one time I went in and I left there going that was a great read But you have to do a background check you have to sign the waiver right there because Nickelodeon caught somebody You got to sign the waiver on the way home. I'm not gonna get that wrong the next day. They called up Joey D is three episodes. What? I said, whoever's doing your drugs at home. I want to tell them when I got there Who's they not watch you on youtube? Who's ever doing your background checks is slipping? You know, that's hilarious

They won't even let me on the lot there. I don't think you're ready for this. Yeah, this is my point of this story. This is the juice So I get out of the fucking thing and they're like, you know, do you have no because I don't even yeah He goes, you have that other audition like how are you feeling? I go dog. I'm not gonna make that audition We gotta produce a session for you at 3 30. No, I like one Now I'm getting out of the house. It's about 11 I stopped at the weed store. I already popped two fucking vikings and I stopped by my buddies and got a half an eight ball So I ran right home into two or three lines after surgery. Oh my god. That's when I was crazy Jesus Christ. I was crazy. You could die

I waited for about an hour And I go, let me see how I feel Let me see how I feel And I'll decide what I want to go to these auditions. Fuck Anna Montana. I'm ready for them a thousand times And fuck the other guy the mafia guy So I was supposed to go for the mafia guy at 5 30 I said, you know what? I'm okay. I went over with this patch on my neck with blood coming out of it guys And me with a sweater up to here

I did the surgery in january and I walk and they're like, oh, thank you for coming I went to Hannah Montana first and I thank you for coming You know, you're great. What time was the surgery and I'm I'm fucked up on the fucking I'm the vikings. I'm like, oh, yeah, I get an envelope and I I did like three lines But from those days that was nothing for me. Yeah, that was like me in the start It was nothing three lines are just for me to get the flavor for to calm me down It was just calm me down. That's cocaine to calm down Me

So I go to Hannah Montana first and I fucking read and then I get in the car and I drive to Highland, hollywood Two blocks down three blocks down. I park And I go in there early and I go in there to a room filled with a cake quickly One better looking stupid. That's Brunettes blondes blacks Bunch of pretty fucking girls. Yeah, yeah, because I was early

So when I walk in I tell the guy he's like, hey Joey, how you doing? Kissing each and he's told him in town And I go listen, bro. I just had the surgery. I'm fucked up I came in here because the guy wants to see me. He goes, can you give us like 15 minutes? I go, okay So I go over to the side. I'm starting to get the effects of the viking and his shit And all of a sudden he looks at the girl the guy comes out next Like this girl walks out and she's walking out like a cheek to red like something happened. Oh god, okay There was Harvey Weinstein's office. No, no, no, no

The guy walks. I think it's hi Kate. Hi Nicolo, you know, like one of those french names like to make you think that he's cool You're like, I feel so warm and he looked at the girl. I was maybe seven feet away It was a small place And he goes, you do know the scene is a top of the scene And you have no problem with drugs and he's like I didn't read the whole script at that time No problem with drugs drugs. Okay. And then she goes, no, no, no, you can do drugs I mean, okay, because the scene that we're hiring you for is a big drug scene. This is the party night So you have to be topless and oh my god

And then he looks and he goes, did you do you mind if a guy does cocaine off one of your breasts? And this girl and I'm sitting there going Joey's like take me and take me I'm sitting there going Honey, here's what I said to you Kate as your fucking uncle. Yeah, I said you've never showed that monkey until the end How now like like that's that's the ace That's the ace. That's the ace. I agree. But you're not gonna show your tense either for the small 50 hours And I'm I'm looking at the girl going

You want to say something don't go don't go. It's a small 50. She's young and new in town. It's a small 50. That's it So I sat there and I watched three girls going and all three of them like, oh, yeah, we know it's a top scene This movie's gonna be huge and I'm like, oh, no No I remember going in there and fucking dying like I was so high And they're like, well, he just had surgery. Thank you for coming down Then they called me and they gave me the dates and I fucking said listen, bro

I I'm so sorry, but my manager called me with some I got 11 days on the movie when you're sharing You was like, oh my fucking god. I had a fight to get you. You piece of shit fight to get Fuck that guy. They wanted James con You know those asshole But I'm going I wanted to go with you because I believe in you. I saw you in the longest shot. I'm like, listen, bro I gotta go so I get off the phone And the next day that night I got a call and this is guy tony something Tony Russo he was in splash

He was the big Italian guy in splash over the years. He had a great resume I didn't even know he died. He died like three years ago He called me that night and he goes joey Did you tell those people to go fuck themselves because they called me with the row? And I'm thinking what happened to james con? Yeah, right, exactly Russo ever and we talked for a little while and I go, how is it? He goes, bro I don't know about this. I think I made a mistake. Is that why you didn't do it? I go. Yeah I think it's a mistake. Why would anyone do it for $50?

And this guy was for real this guy had dug big movies. Yeah, he had just he did something with bread pit I mean this guy was the real deal. He had been out here since 83 and he booked splash with uh, with Tom Hanks Why would he say yes? Because he figured he needed to work work those old timers Damn mentality's work is take anything like I used to do all that work with dean kane Dean came works for 10 days for 100 miles a day Then he'll work for another 10 days on the movie for $150 a day plus a producer credit

So he makes money on the back end But then he'll go for four days and work on a movie that pays them Scale plus works because he wants to work all the time. He just works. Yeah, that's what real actor does and their mind They take everything if it's a role they could do something with whether it's crazy. So You know, I talked to him about a week later. He called me. He goes. Hey, bro You got a crystal ball and I go why he goes. Oh my god He goes it was a horror show and they were cheaper than fuck. He goes one day. They had no water No, they wouldn't give out water. So three of the actors quit

It's crazy that you went on the audition so high and the guy but I wasn't by that by the time I went on the audition the cocaine wasn't even in my system The pills were starting to kick in but I started I was still high from the amnesia. That's what I'm saying Like I yeah my boobs done like I know how you are. I was high. I did the surgery Seven 10 I was out of surgery three maybe four hours and I'm walking around But that's what I love about you is you were so hungry even then like you'd already done shit Like the people that make it are so fucking hungry. Do you know that after you know? I got my left boob done three times. Have I ever told you this story? No, I didn't know that

Yeah, so I got my boobs on I talked about this on stage, but I never talked about it seriously I had so many Hold on. Hold on. Let me tell you what really happened. So I go ruso. Why was it so bad? He goes beside He goes, I'm a dad There's not two daughters I got a son. He goes, you know, I have no idea what they were doing to the girls I go, what happened? He goes there's a scene with the party scene that I told you he goes He had all these young girls topless

Cam is everywhere and he's young and come on girls This movie's gonna be bigger than the Sopranos This is the real deal. Shake those tits. Let them snuck coke off your tits. Let them grab your tits Squeeze those fucking titties squeeze them. You fucking faggot. You're just doing this for his own I don't know. No, no, no, no, listen the movie never got it. Of course not Nothing ever happened with this fucking movie. Nothing. Oh, nothing Nothing no screen because I kept in touch with him. I'd see him in auditions and bust his balls How was that fucking movie? He goes, bro, I never even heard from those people again

That movie never got finished that movie never got done I've gotten hired on stuff like that and I just walk off the minute I start to see it turn shady I just walk off. That's why I can't relate to a lot of these women now that are coming out Like I did five movies with this guy who harassed me. I'm like, I don't understand that because as soon as I see Any sign of that just leave Literally just leave I've had guys where I have a meeting in a hotel lobby and then the guy's like, we're gonna do this in my room And I'm like, no, we're fucking not. Why would we do this in your room? And I just walk away

but I had When I got my boobs done, that's what I was gonna tell you when I got my boobs done I had to have one. Are you okay? Okay, I had to have one redone three times I can't believe you didn't know this because I had like Scar tissue was building up in the left boob So I kept having to get it redone and I hired like a Beverly Hills surgeon

So The first time I got it redone. I paid for it. The second time I told him I had my show on playboy channel at the time and he tried to charge me full price again And I was like, if you want me to pay for this, I will but on my show I'm gonna talk about it and I'm gonna say your name and I'm gonna talk about Like how I keep having to get my boob redone and how it's been botched by this doctor And I thought like Asians were the best surgeons, but you're doing a horrible job So he did it for me for free that time, right?

But here's the thing after the third time I had a blood bag Have you ever had surgery where you had to have a blood bag like a drainage bag? No, I wouldn't have had the surgery. I didn't know I was gonna have it It never happened before Dude, I had a fucking tube a drain tube coming from my boob out my armpit With a sack hanging off of it that I had to empty twice a day that would fill up with pus and blood Okay, but wait, I know you don't like blood, but the story the story has a point I did blood

I'm ticked up And by the way, it was supposed to only be there for a week and then they were going to take it off me And then for some reason I just kept draining too much They can't take it off you until you're draining less than some certain amount of day like two ounces or whatever And I was filling the bag still like two weeks later and the doctor was like, we don't understand what's happening But we can't take it out. So for like two weeks. I'm walking around with a fucking blood I had to hide it, but a blood sack. Okay, so I can't shower myself I didn't want to cancel my spots. I was doing stand-up. This is only like five four years ago

Maybe so I didn't want to cancel my spots So I was going on stage like the Hollywood improv like the comedy store No one knew with this sack of blood Hanging out of my armpit performing. I couldn't gesture with my left arm at all And then I had no boyfriend and I couldn't shower myself So I called my ex-boyfriend and I asked him to come over And help me like shower every couple nights and this is when I learned that men are like Absolute fiends for sex because he came over. I'm so gross. I haven't showered in days. That's how we want

I'm sweaty helpless. Thank you. I have a sack of pus. Oh, yeah What would you do if you would if you had seen like a girl and you took the shirt off and there's a blood Yeah, you don't know Fucker in the pussy like a fucking like a locksmith, you understand You said you hate blood listen to me if I take your shirt off and I see a pus blood sack I'm gonna punch you like tj miller. You understand me out right in the fucking mouth I love you. Um, I love you too. So here's the thing So this so my ex at the time he starts to like and I have bandages over my boobs still

Stitches in one boob and then my ex. He's like cleaning me off. I smell And then he goes, is it weird that this is turning me on? Yeah, and I was like, yeah I'm fucking disgusting. I'm a pus bag hanging off me and he was like, can I fuck you? And then I didn't even want to but I felt like I owed him because he's taken care of me So I was like, I guess so I wasn't supposed to have sex for a month. So I was like, you can but you ought to be slow You can't you can't raise my heart rate Or the stitches my bust so

I let him fuck me with like four day dirty hair and a pus bag hanging out and I was smelly and gross I hadn't shaved and um He enjoyed it though. I think so Tony. He took that condom off and sniffed it for a month That pussy smelled like fucking But that's when I learned because you know how girls are always like Like when I go out, if I don't want to fuck a guy, I don't shave my legs I'm like, there's no way I'll fuck him with hairy legs as if like that's gonna stop any man

We don't give a fuck. What turns a man on the most? Dirty women. You ready? Nope. What? If your man hasn't given you a stab in a week or two ladies write this down from your uncle Joey Oh god, I'm afraid better and wake up the next morning and call and tell him you got the flu And moaning grown nothing turns a man on Then when you're sick and when a woman What are you talking about? I'm telling you as soon as your wife tells you she's a little sick. You want to give her a little two

Why because there's something about a sick woman. You know what I'm saying? Joey's like walking through the cancer ward of the hospital just with a hard boner Giving out dick and chemo pills Who the fuck are you? The charity he does Do you know what really turns me on the most when a guy's really really really really mad at me when he's so mad at me He wants to kill me. Oh my god. That's when I want to fuck the most I love to like I love when a guy

So mad at me never wants to see me again because I know on the inside He wants to fuck the shit out of me and that's what I want him to do at the most like punishment Mama lia used to tell you all these rules that kate wants you to pull her hair and she wouldn't give her a stab and all this This is She can't a fuck you leave you take kate home tonight. You gotta punch in the neck You gotta just draw a jab right like a stiff fucking all the head jab That's the saddest part of at what point during the sex do you throw the jab is it like right? I don't know

Has an opener has an opener wait a minute. No one's a jab No, no, no you go back to that a little holiday and over there across the street Yeah, and when she closes the door, she's gonna ask to go to the bathroom right as soon as she comes out of the bathroom before you I'm hiding right there You have to drink in your left hand. She goes to get it And then throw the drink on her face open hand slaps open hand slaps no punching No, we don't condone punching and you throw the drink on her face and go tell her go make me another drink Oh my god, and do a dusting Hoffman rub my feet

You know what i'm saying i'm in the mood for a foot rub And a dusting Hoffman movie all these all these stories that are coming out like a lot of them are bad I don't want to get I can't argue that I mean I don't want to get punched by a guy coming out of a bathroom but I'm not gonna lie like oh god. I'm afraid to say this This is why your podcast freaks me out because I get so buzzed. I tell the whole truth But when I when I read tj's Story this morning you masturbate the first thing I thought it said it said the girl said he he choked me out

And punched me in the face. I was like god, I kind of want to fuck him now. That's a party consensually That's a party right there. I know it's love when you choke him and fucking poke him in the eye Not poke him in the eye Let's do it with your dick, and I used to have a girl that I'd poke her in the eye What are you talking about just to fuck a visual with your finger? Yeah, okay, okay I have a question now So I haven't been single for a while, but you don't say right you've been off the market

She's wanted you for three fucking years. I know man, and you've been off the market. What can I say? I heard about your huge cock too. Joey told me he's a savage. I don't tell you that Well, he said that he heard it. I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing about cocks I don't so but and I don't I don't go on mendates. You know what I'm saying Joey's never seen my penis in the locker room. No, but I don't look not I look straight ahead I straight forward I've been to prison. I didn't see a dick. What I didn't see one come on I went to prison. I didn't see one dick. You have to see at least a dick nothing I don't know no way you've never seen a dick. I don't know that all right fine

I saw my stepfather's dick when I was like eight And that's what that explains a lot When I watch porn the dick comes out. I got so uncomfortable You know what I send I send guys like porn tapes of me Fucking but I I do pov from my angle so they only see the man. Oh, I don't want to see that at all That's all my porn collection. It's just me fucking holding a camera and it's just the guy Guys love it. No, I don't know what your question Okay, and I don't even like the joking and the smacking thing, but let's say I did

In this like world we live in today like How do you you can't just go for it because like what if the girl's like It's so funny you're saying that because I was just saying to my friend the other day I was like, I really want to shoot a sketch Where a guy and a girl start to have sex and then like every step of the way Like some lawyer pops out of a side room with a contract to like have the girl Sign and notate like each end like it's okay to fuck me But if you touch my asshole, then that's like it's just guys now are afraid like listen to you

You're like, well, what if I choke her and then that's too far like you're actually afraid a girl will I never even heard a choking somebody. What I never heard of none of these things I was like really naive when it came to that until when I started dating a fucking lunatic And then you start dating a couple lunatics. I became a comic and started dating lunatics To find lunatic Joey lunatics just women outside the norm that you meet them and After two weeks, you know that you like them. You're in love with them, but this ain't gonna go no way She's too far. I can't bring this bitch home. She's crazy. She'll fuck my grandfather by mistake Oh my god, it was only the middle of the night. She'll suck my grandfather's dick

And my grandfather's dead. She'll suck his dick. You know, you just know you just know It's not a trust thing. They're just lunatics. This is gonna be uh, uh, I mean, I hope you always You always go I am optimistic maybe But she's the fucking nuts So I met a bunch of women like that in a row that just Illuminated me to the world of choking and smack me in the face and I remember the first time Like a girl asked you to choke her like everything everything I've ever done is because somebody asked me She never had the impulse to just naturally knock somebody out. No, not knock them out

But like no choke them a little or be like really like I mean, I just didn't like it Interesting some guys don't if you if you coke me up and drink me up At four or five in the morning when I'm trying to get my dick hard and shit I'll have to throw a couple left hooks at you You know smacks to the face Like smacks to the face open-handed and it was weird It took this girl close to four years for me to hit her how she wanted me You're only supposed to smack to like slap a girl the way like your parents spanked you when you were a kid

Like they didn't really want to it wasn't that hard But they did it because they knew they had this girl wanted me to fucking smack her hard Yeah, like in the cheek like fucking Boppa Like I would take my dick out of a mouth and just hit her in the face like a fucking Boom and bounce it off her face her face is like one of those bags boxers I love it. I would shove it and pull it out of a fucking mouth and tell her you like that dick you fucking twist the head Twister like this like this all twisted like And you put them back in the you know, she was that's what she wanted though, but I didn't know

I did not know that existed. I don't like to have to ask for it though. That's the thing Like if I have to ask for it Here's the problem the guys that do it naturally that just like want to do it They want to like Choke the shit out of you and they're like angry at women Those aren't usually good men to date and the guys you have to ask for it They never do it like they really want to and you know it so it doesn't really work I could do it if I'm lunatically coked up

So you don't choke your wife. No. Are you fucking crazy? I don't know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no Lee you you never choke. No, she'd kill me And I know I have no like that's the thing like who I have no interest in choking anybody. All right, let's say I took you home Let's add to the girl home. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I take home. We do some coke We talk a little bit and then the fucking shirt would come off I'd suck your titties. Okay, take the pants off. Oh, you know the whole fucking stupidity thing I would eat your pussy, you know, put my dick in your mouth. Fuck you eat your ass. I got it I flip you over and eat your ass

I would I would lick I would machine on your ass with my tongue And then grab you with two finger louis and scrape the bottom of your pussy so we go Oh And you lick that fucking asshole and if you don't and then if that doesn't drive them to say Just put it in my ass. You have to be a gentleman and go And in the middle of it go You gotta spit their ass on go

Hold down one second. I'm gonna stick it in your ass if she goes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no That's where it ends Not I wouldn't have a pop in your ass just because it was sticking that I would always lick it manipulate it I would always at least work that pussy to where you go. You drive me crazy with those gorilla fingers Pop that fucking cuban egg roll in my asshole. But if you don't say it, I'm gonna just go Jane Put my dick in your ass and you don't know you're not and that's where it ends and I'll put it back in I'll take my fingers out and slam it in your little monk wall

I'm afraid to talk about this because it's it's a very It's a touchy topic. This is the christmas special. I'm gonna make This is a disclaimer to say that I'm not condoning this for other women, but like I was so scared To take it in in the butt, you know, I've only done it was one guy because of you Because you said no one would take me to dinner ever again, but I was really scared So I kept telling that guy no also I was trying to save it for love Like I really wanted to save it for like my next husband, but This guy, you know, he kept kind of trying and every time he'd try a little more and I'd say no

I need to stop and he'd try a little more and it's you know, I need to stop and then one night I was like, I don't want to I don't want to and he was like, let me just try and I was like, I don't want to I don't want to and then before I knew it was in there Oh, yeah, because now you already busted your hymen. You have no rubber band But what I'm saying is we replace the rubber band and tighten it But you should never say you should never you should never do it when the girl's saying no He shouldn't have done that but then once it was in there. I was like, oh, it's not that bad And then it was kind of nice. So now I'm like

I should be mad at him for doing that But in some ways I'm kind of like glad but you but he was very careful and I never knew what was happening The last two podcasts I might kill myself tomorrow Like I could slip in your ass and he was a professional If we're coked up and we're fucked up in six seven in the morning And I could tell I have you halfway there. Why the morning halfway there mean halfway there I got two fingers in your pussy

Okay, and I got my middle finger in your asshole and I'm licking around like a popsicle Okay, and I'm finger banging your pussy in your asshole at the same time in unison, right? You're but you're popping that ass if you can't that feels like the whole way there I mean and you're like this always happens and then you take those two fingers out and just chew on there to clip for a little while while you're like gnawing it like a dog Oh This is the Christmas edition, you know My mother would be so glad I'm not coming home this year

She'd be like, you know how I guilt trip you every year forget it fucking drown yourself in the Pacific 35 35, okay That's 15 years a dick and that fucking clip What do you think happens it gets softer It gets tougher like but during my marriage there wasn't a whole lot of that don't mean no You caught up over the years, but you caught up you made time for that So the clip gets tougher like uh No, it doesn't No, it doesn't no it doesn't no it doesn't I put coconut oil on it every day

That doesn't matter you somebody's gonna come along give you a fucking a stab before like a year I hope suck all the coconut oil out of you and what do you think happens to your noodle? It looks like beef jerky and I can buy that once you get to but be about 40 your noodle's gonna be like beef jerky Joey don't say that no No, it's not I'm gonna keep getting I listen. I'm gonna get vaginal Rejuvenation, okay. Here's what's gonna happen. I'm never gonna get shit done to my face I'm just gonna get shit done to my pussy. So it's like Benjamin Button vagina. That's the plan for my vagina by the time I'm 60. I'm gonna have the pussy of like a 15 year old girl

In the face of a senior citizen That's the book Joey anything can happen now with chemicals and I'm gonna chemical peel my vagina. Oh Jesus What don't do anything to anything. Why not? Joey said I'm gonna look like beef jerky one of the surgery goes wrong. How can it go wrong? Look, Joey got rid of his fat nugget. He's fine. Yeah, but that's in his shoulder That was a fat ball in my shoulder I'd rather die in surgery than have beef jerky pussy Oh, just a clit gets hard. I would rather die like by the time you're 50

You can like do things to the clit stop it. It one drops. How do you why do they replace the clit with something? What? What are you talking about? You're talking about your clit. You put crazy glue on it And it gets tough. I swear to god. You don't put crazy glue on it. I heard this on the streets. What are you talking about? Do you listen? This is an old old trick. Do you want a soft clit? I don't know. I think you want a soft clit. No, you want a soft clit No, you want a medium rip me you want in the middle little men's amends men's amort. Okay You're a little tough on the outside and I'll dent a little fucking soft on the inside Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What were you you were just saying the duty or quick crazy glue? Yeah Tell me I don't understand. Hold. Let me do some shout-outs and we'll talk about can we can I take a bathroom break? Yes, you can

All right Well, I'll do the shout-outs here Take your time Oh my god, there he is Oh god Your clit hardens up. I'm gonna go super with my pussy. I'll be right back. Take your time but hurry up I'm trying to help her out Lee. You know what I'm saying? You're like I'm like a fucking crystal ball What what what? No, I was gonna say it's like

You're like a christmas miracle or something. You're gonna eat this mushroom with me. No, okay All these people waiting for you to eat the miracle. That's okay to eat the fucking mushroom with your uncle joey You don't want to eat it. You leave me here. You told me all day you're gonna eat the mushroom Let's get some shout-outs here. Forget fucking Lee Johnny Lee Baza O'Shea Phil Drolett Boutola

David Robertson Josh Kenny Lauren Rosenka my dog Leon Vegas slinging dick and fucking taking german's money Little pancake be careful with the fucking edibles and my man Dom De Niro always showing up on the job. You follow me? I also want to say happy holidays to everybody. Uh, Lee and me want to take a minute To the church family extended church family

My australian family my fucking english family UK, you know, Ireland Listen, man. I love you motherfuckers Thank you for supporting us all year and I hope that You know, you're fucking christmas with your families I just tremendous and if you're having a hard time I want you just to fucking close your eyes and think about next christmas

How good it's gonna be, you know, everybody has tough christmases So, uh, I hope that motivates you a little bit not to be down If you're if you're scared about what christmas is going to feel like, you know what? It's gonna feel like any other christmas. However you want it to feel So go to dinner eat with your family no matter what go show up Be a bigger person. Don't be a mope like I did for years. What do you think cocksucker? Yeah, if you like I because I for I'm someone who is away from family For the holidays and then and you were very nice. I always invited me over for Thanksgiving and and christmas and everything and

And uh, but there's also I had asked some of my my best times with people I work with we had Pollock dinner so do stuff like that guys. I mean, it's It's tough being alone and if you're if you are alone You know what go like I Make the best of it go to a movie. I was just gonna say because I just I used to fucking do the craziest fucking things when I was single I just bought a movie pass 9 99 a month a movie a day. That's it 9 99 a month you get one ticket to a movie a day. So you probably get three for your family It's great. It pays for itself after one movie

Up to two three and you could go to the lemmley. No, uh, they go to a lot of places I don't know about the lemmley, but maybe you're gonna go to hollywood down up here. Yeah The only place the only places that I know that I that I checked was uh, they don't go to uh What was the nice one? At shaman oaks I don't know. I don't know never I usually go to hollywood or this one. Do they have arcland? No, they don't have arcland. No. Fuck. No, that's white people. That's fun arclades like 80 dollars for 995

The people that go to arclight don't even want to talk to you. I'm saying arclight. They fucking kill you going in The fucking chicken sauces sandwich though. If you ever go to arclight hollywood, I don't know if they still have it's been years for me but the chicken sauces fucking sandwich Uh with uh the country's chicken. Oh my god, lisa. I would mustard and onions delicious whenever you go You can't eat a hot dog in the fucking movie theater But at least they try at the lemmley they have a little chicken sauce and they got a couple things They they bang you out the ass for it. Don't get me wrong. I mean you're gonna pay for it. I'm sorry I just got a case of the fucking burps

I do I do like the way that because I we wanted to see coca the other day And I like uh, the there's a couple theaters aren't here that have really nice reclining chairs Where's the regency the regency? I bumped into a listener today at the car wash I went me and my wife went to wash our cars. They were fucking filthy from mercy colorings fucking apples Fucking uh headshot. No, no, she don't have headshots. What do you call those things sunglasses? I couldn't believe how much shit was in both cars. Hold on Hold on

Thank you Just uh, so he was saying that uh, he he goes to regency theater. I think it's in burbank It's an old theater. Oh, there's one in van. Okay, that's a good one the van eyes plant one It's kind of a little bit. It's really high up in van eyes. Oh wait. It's a movie theater. Yeah. Oh, oh And then there's one in north hollywood valley plaza six Why are you talking about movie theater because he bought a pass to move you gonna learn movies? No Really? I I literally only go to movies when guys take me and that's very rare You know, you're not a movie check. It's not that I don't I love movies. I'm just so busy

Honestly, I hardly ever have a night to go to I see more movies on the road when I'm by myself Maybe I'll go like in a mall. That's pretty much it or I just Netflix stuff I used to watch more I used to love movies Like that's why I wanted to act because I love movies and then slowly over time I just got more and to stand up and I just hardly ever Go to the movies now. I used to go to horror movies all the time. I haven't been on a movie and God knows how long are you a star wars guy? No. Oh my god. I was telling you this story earlier I have to tell this because I want to know what people think because I think chicks will be on my side

Okay, but I'm actually like still bitter about it. I wish I could say who it is so fucking bad I dated a cop if you can't say who it is. Don't tell the story. I kind of want I think I maybe can because He said on his podcast that he fucked me. Did I ever tell you this story? Okay, fuck it. I'm gonna tell it He's gonna get so mad, but whatever. Okay, so years ago. This is years ago I dated bobby lee years ago, right? I would never have said it except bobby went on his podcast I'm still mad and he talked about fucking me I never told a soul that we hooked up because I don't like people to know my business

But bobby went on his podcast and he said that fucking me was like fucking michael phelps Because I'm so athletic and I was so sad and then no one knew we fucked and the way that I found out is someone on my instagram People on my instagram started calling me like michael phelps I said I have michael phelps ass and asked if I was like training for the olympic swim team and shit And that's how I found out that he told this story. Isn't that a compliment? No, well, that's the thing is later he did an apology episode where he apologized and he said it's a compliment You're athletic whatever, but I was pissed that he told that we fucked so I never would name him But now I feel like hey, I can't okay, but here's the thing

So and I love bobby for the record. I really do. He's who doesn't fucking love and I love his girlfriend. They're both awesome Yeah, I love him, but So I know that someone asked him to I don't know if he did it. That's crazy. I mean, he's a nut He's a fucking nut, but I love him. Oh my god. He's gonna kill me for this. I'm so buzzed. Okay, so Long story short, I meet bobby. I instantly loved him people said shit to me like, oh, I would you bobby Lee I'm like, he's so sweet and he's childlike and he's cool and he's funny and at the time I had just come out of the most like Abusive horrible relationship and bobby's like the complete opposite. You know, he just was so like affectionate and just awesome

He's an awesome guy. So I liked him and we started hanging out And he was just like he was so into me like he Drove all the way to palm springs to take me to lunch one day. I was like working a gig in palm springs he just was like so into me and he would like buy me gifts for no reason and He told all my girlfriends like comic friends like, oh, I'm so in love with your friend. Kate. She's so amazing So it didn't even go on that long. It's just a couple months, you know a few months I don't know but one day we're hanging out and I mentioned I had never seen star wars

Any of them like I'd seen them. They've been on in the background around my house My brother's a nerd but like I'd never sat down and watched one. So bobby was like horrified He's like, how could you never have seen that as just like a person like a comedian? Like you need to see it and I was like, well, I saw spaceballs. I like that like to me I got all the innuendo like I get it. He's like, no, you have to watch star wars so One day I come over to his place We start watching star wars

part way and we kind of started fooling around and we ended up having sex, right? So we have sex We watched the rest of the movie After the movie, I wasn't that impressed. It was it wasn't bad. You know, I remember thinking Harrison Ford was really hot But and it wasn't terrible, but I just wasn't that into it. You know, yeah So afterwards he's like, um, let's go get food So we went to greenblats Uh, we're sitting at greenblats we eat and I will never forget it because it was the first time ever I was out with him that he was on his phone like the whole time. He never looked at his phone

We were together. He was just like it was so obvious. He lost all interest in me. He wasn't talking to me He's looking at his phone And then he was like so without even looking up. I remember he's like, so what'd you think of the movie? and then I was like You know, I thought it was okay. I wasn't really into it. It wasn't really my thing. That's fine. You know And he was quiet just quiet the whole meal and then On the way home. He was like, I'm dropping him back off. I'm driving I'm dropping him back off at his place and he's like stop at this gas station. We're gonna get cigarettes

I'm gonna get cigarettes. We stop he goes into buy smokes He comes back out opens my car door and he's like, you know what? I'm just gonna walk home. It's just a few blocks, but I'll hit you up I'll talk to you soon and he left and I never saw him again We never hung out again like every once in a while I would text him like yo, what's going on? Are we are are we cool? Did you want to hang again and he'd just be like really busy really busy and we never hung out again And then finally one day he said something like

Uh, I don't know. I just could never date a girl. It doesn't appreciate star wars Like it was like star wars was like the end all Be all which in hindsight he was right anyway because we never would have we didn't have enough in common Like we really didn't but like star wars was that the the whole like deal breaker Like that was such a deal breaker. There was nothing more humiliating Than you loving a movie as a man There is nothing why I don't know what it is I don't know if this has happened the guys who listen to the podcast

You're in love with a movie And you want to share it With the woman of your dreams and she's not into it in the movie She goes, uh, you might as well tell us you have a headache The next six months Maybe it's a good test of a relationship if they don't love it because I just thought about that But was there a movie that you could show your wife that if she didn't love it you would have been like it's over Like my favorite movie is the big Lebowski, but if you didn't get it, I wouldn't be like I can never fuck you again. I'd be like

That's weird. It's my people say some wow shit. I heard a woman say, uh, she was only on a date, you know I got one of those To the dates and she she noticed a guy was a democrat. So She declined but he was perfect except for that You know, you didn't even get to meet him. That's different. That's a whole like belief system Well, I mean I get it I get it because in some ways like my brother is such a big like Star Trek star wars nerd type guy that he could never date a girl that wasn't into that because it's almost like a religion

Like they they would have nothing in common as a man or a woman Listen, the best thing that is out. I can't fucking stand I don't fuck with lea. I I I love lea to death What do you mean, you know, I wish lea would do different things because he's a jew and he's a go-getter But this is the only jew I know that wants to relax. He he thinks that He's the only jew I know that this one's to relax. He doesn't he he deserves to relax that the world owes it them to relax So it's kind of funny. You feel like that and I appreciate them But like I don't I would never bother lea on a sunday

because if I go to lee's house and lee and paul I have on New england's shorts that turns on I'll finally on the spot What wait if I go to lee's on the sunday. Yeah football and paul I have on new england sweatshirts I'll finally on the spot. That's hilarious. I gotta pop it on because you hate the patriots so much. No, no Why I don't understand because as a woman. I want you to have your own shit Oh, you're saying if they have on matching shirts Oh, yeah, I hate that you ever go to a purse you ever go to a family's house and

And it works vice versa He's a fan of texas. She's from fucking jersey But all of a sudden she knows more about I know what you're saying. Yes. Yes, you feel bad. You're like, look at this dummy She joined the gun. I mean, oh my god. What do we do with texas losers? You're from jersey What do you give a fuck? I hate when people like that shit. Yeah that for a couple. Yes. I hate that too I want you to say, you know what I watch it with him because it makes him happy But I don't really give a fuck what happens. You know what I don't even like I respect that I'm even yeah

I don't even like when people put their couple photo as they're like when someone puts their couple photo as their profile photo On social media. I'm like, oh, you just made yourself into two people like that's so gross to me like no matter I love my wife. I love my wife. Of course, but I don't want I want her to have her views She's a person you're a person this time as I walk into living when she's watching something. I don't even jack the tv I go back to my office and I I go smoke pot That's the way it should be and I go why and then when I know when she's done Then I go back in there. Can I tell you I like that she gets up? Yeah, I watch Spanish tv sometimes and she'll sit for 20 minutes and she gets the fuck out of there

She won't tell me to change that she hates this shit. That's why I watch it at night Oh my god, I hate today literally. I can't say who this is but today. I was googling Uh, a friend of mine looking for a photo of him because I'm gonna have him on my podcast And his wikipedia came up and it was funny because I clicked on his ex-wife. He's divorced now I clicked on his ex-wife because I was surprised she had a wikipedia because she was just a regular girl Most people that have wikipedia, you know, like a public figure So I clicked on it and she was just listed as his ex-wife And I was just thinking like how sad

For like you to be a public figure, but you're only your status or the reason you're known is so-and-so's wife Like I would never want to be some guy's girlfriend some guy's wife Like I always feel bad for girls at parties that are introduced as like this is Jessica so-and-so's girlfriend like don't you just want to be Jessica the amazing publicist or the amazing writer the whatever like That really bothers me But my mom was so independent that I have to be like I can't ever be half of a guy

I have to be my own person than the guys like Whatever he has his shit going. That's probably why I'm single though guys hate independent women You know, george for us you have him on here. I love george. We're like super tight homies george always says to me kate One day I sent him a photo of me in a dress because I was trying to pick out a dress to wear to an event And I sent him like three dresses. I go which one do you like and he wrote back I like this one because you look like a woman with no opinions and it's a joke george and I have where he says Guys see you and they think you have too many opinions because you're smart So you almost got to like have no opinions for a guy to

Want to be with you because guys get intimidated by like women that are their own person Like your wife is a baller So that must turn you on that she's so like independent smart and cool You like that about her it didn't make you run away No But were you always like that? Did you always like girls that had their own shit going or were you ever one of those guys that I don't want you around me 24 7 Oh, yeah, I don't want nobody around me 24 7. No, I don't want you holding on to my arm

I don't want you going to certain things with me. I'm the type of guy I need to breathe for fucking 10 minutes Do you guys ever disagree on like major issues? Like like does your wife kind of have your same mindset when it comes to like society politics? Really? Yeah, she's not allowed to talk politics at the table. Shut up. Yeah, because it's all you you'll fight No, not that we fight. I just don't want to hear it. I don't give a fuck. I don't talk politics either I don't give a fuck. I really don't want to hear it. So if you're gonna keep talking to me about this I'm deaf and one here. I'm the same way turn on the other fucking here We talk about shit. I don't talk, you know, I don't say nothing to her about shit

I know she doesn't want to hear and you have to know You have to know that like it not everybody wants to hear your shit Not everybody wants to hear about your life. Not everybody Some people just don't what the fuck's going on the Mars landing. I know what the fuck I think Mars is a fucking landing. There's a UFO coming down. It just that's one of the things about a relationship that I always want to be in a relationship. I also want to tell you I'm independent What it was independent is you're gonna see other people What is independent you're not gonna come home and then independent is that

They think for themselves. I want you to do shit on saturday. We're your friends Yeah, have your own life outside on saturday afternoon. Yeah, sunday night saturday night. We'll hook up Yeah, but saturday day go do something don't jump in the fucking lake But that's what's so cool about you go do something you can tell that you like respect But it took me fucking years Really? We're all jealous You know, we're all jealous

So we all have to come that obstacle in our manhood You know, every guy is very jealous. Are they do you think at their base nature? I always wonder that if you have to go somewhere on every saturday at two o'clock I'm gonna ask you right so so what do you do at your job? And he goes, I don't I meet this old guy and suck his dick and he gives me the small 300 now You know what I'm saying, you know, not many women have that job. That's a small that's a select category What I'm saying is it just takes levels

You know, I failed marriage the first time and I looked back at those failures to see what the fuck I had done wrong and You have to you know, I would my feelings would get her to If not if she didn't like the same movie, but if she didn't want to talk to me about a certain subject You know, my feelings would get hurt. I'm like, what is that? Why am I feeling getting hurt? She don't want to hear about that shit. That's not her world Interesting. It's not her world. Yeah. Why would I impose my world on it? She's my wife. She's my girlfriend

Why why why give a fuck if she don't like it? You have to be you have to get over that There's also something too like society says like your partner is supposed to be your best friend, but I actually think like I talked to my girlfriends about shit that is girlfriend shit Like guys don't want to talk to you about every fucking thing that goes on. So I try to reserve I try to listen. There's no guy that gives a fuck about your end in Oklahoma's foot problem. That's what I mean That's like the if I come home from a hard day's work And you give me a kiss and while I'm eating you're like, can I tell you about on me? First off, I need to take a shit

My balls are sweating and itchy. I just want to take a shit jump in the shower I'm letting me use toilet paper. I'm gonna wash my ass in the fucking shower Like a Puerto Rican bidet. Stop and before I go in there, you're gonna stop me with your bullshit I hope you don't share a loofo with your wife. You're gonna tell me about your bullshit About your ran from oklahomo's foot hurts and she's got limbego and you might have to I don't give a fuck I got shit on my mind. You know what I'm saying? That's what I mean. I'm trying to pay the mortgage I've read an article where they were like women the problem is women want men to be their best friend But then also be a fucking savage like we want guys to be guys, but then we're starting to treat them like women

Don't read no articles. No, we know I read all the articles joey. That's why and I watch the videos Listen, I'm doing better. I'm doing better. I am The last the last relationship I cut it off at six months instead of a year. Oh, I'm getting I'm getting so much better Yeah, no, no, I can just imagine. I am I'm telling you I'm reading those magazines and go with your heart. I read it. No, my heart is wrong Because you let your pussy dominate everything. No, I let my brain die. I overthink Oh, please. I overthink like if he doesn't send me a kiss you emoji. I think he hates me You see a dick with a tuxedo one. No suck it

No, I'm very horny. I will admit like super horny, but you know, I don't fuck that much I've only had sex with like three guys this year. I know or four three guys times eight No, three guys times eight you're fucking you're an animal. I'm trying to think You keep talking while I count the guys. I'm trying to think. Yeah count them keep counting. No, I'm serious It's not that many. No, what is this? What is this? It's it's December. It's the 12th one I'm trying to 12 times two 36. I'll take the over 30 more. I'll take the over. What's that? Do we count one that like 12 is 24? Hold on. Hold on. Wait, do we count three a month? Do we count one? No Not even close. That's 36. Not even close. I'm taking the overlander at 31 and a half

No, no, no, you know, you're wrong. Give me a pen, please Hold on a second. Hold on. Give me the pen. You're so off. My number's still under 22 for the whole life for my whole life Oh stop it. I swear hand to the bible No, I can still what wait. We're talking about sex, right? I don't count hand job Hand job blow jobs I don't blow guys that I don't have sex with very often. All right once a dick comes out. It's over I don't believe in bases. It's first a home run for me, but until I'm sure I don't fuck them

Unless I know it's going to be one time and I've only done that twice. All right, so let's pretend two times a month Times 12 is 24 guys the year started. I still was a 24 guys a year Plus you slip a couple dicks There's only been 22 a couple terry job grabs terry cruise jabs Terry cruise, how did he pop into this? I did not assault terry cruise. So the old one on this 21 and a half I think it's only like 22 lifetime. I'm telling you I'm gonna count you. Do you keep talking about politics insulting me 22 lifetime? I swear I swear it sounds 37 years. I can still name them all. Okay. Hold on. No, I'm 35

How are you gonna have divorced 30? It's only been five years and there's only been like four or five a year Please I swear four or five. Please one year. There was a lot. Let me ask you a question when you fuck bobby lee Did he smell asian? Why did I bring this up? I'm gonna kill myself You could smell the tea on his neck. No, stop bobby smells great. He smells like essential oil That's not what I heard. I never said a bad word about bobby Except for when he talked about his podcast only because I was pissed and I called him Dude, me and bobby got into it. I never said shit actually smells really good I heard you smell the east. You said he smelled gookie. I never said that ever. I don't even know what that word means

Yes, you do. I never said a bad word about bobby be real I never did the only thing I said about he was Two weeks ago leave him alone. Was he really this is really what happened after that all went down I was with red band actually I was hanging out with red band when it started to like pop No Oh stop red band and I have never done shit. We've been friends since Six chicks is not a manaja. Yeah, three is a manaja as well. My math is off Brian and I have always been friends. We've always been friends, but uh

No, I was with Brian when all this shit started to come out because you know what else bobby said There's this walka-flocka video that I did. Oh my goodness. Did you ever see the walka-flocka video? It went so viral. It was on it was literally on like TMZ. I think entertainment tonight. It was on everything and basically it was backstage at the avian awards Walka-flocka was the performer. I didn't know who he was. I'm so white. I know nothing like jay-z could punch me I wouldn't even know he was jay-z. I mean walka-flocka to me was just a cute tall rapper guy We met backstage He was like, let's get a picture and I said, let's do a funny video where you walk into that hallway

And I'll come out and I'll like torque on you But really bad like a shitty white girl dance move and then you just look at me like I'm the biggest loser You've ever seen and walk away and we won't tell anyone. We're gonna do it, right? So we do this I post it on my instagram walka repost it Everyone in the world thinks it's real It went so viral. It still pops up. This was now like almost two and a half three years ago It still pops up all the time on like the most embarrassing moments of all time on the internet because everyone thought

I was just like a drunk pathetic fan trying to get his attention but horrible dancing and Women were so angry because he's married Women were like they made it into a race war online people were like This is why black men get accused of raping white women This ho is trying to fuck walka his wife was his wife was there and knew we did it and she was like hella cool but anyway Bobby on his podcast because the video went so viral He brought it up and he said that it made me look racist

He didn't know that it was staged So then red band called bobby almost like that shit was staged You shouldn't talk shit about kate then bobby called him and apologized the next day Then he called me and apologized and then he did like an apology episode And then I saw him at the comedy store a couple times After that and he wouldn't talk to me but like run away like hey kate and dart off like he was afraid Did you do an episode to apologize? For what to tell people his next smell funny?

No, his next smells of bobby smells amazing because he smells like seriously He smells like like like Chinese oils like he wears like nice oily I don't know what it is. He smells great and his girlfriend is stunning as you know, but the point is I texted him and I said hey when you see me at the comedy store, you don't have to run away We're cool now. I'm over it and give me a hug and say hi we can be friends and he texted me back Yeah, kate. We're gonna be great friends That was his reply And then since then actually when I've seen him he's been cooler

But it's just funny because the whole thing is like way more awkward than it should be but I guess I this isn't gonna help This is probably gonna fuel the Awkwardness bobby. I love you. That's what killed me about Messing around at the comedy store because you have to see these people You have to keep sitting like with comics. That's why I try not to date comics anymore. Oh my god because now you gotta see him Yeah, and now you gotta see but now it's fine for a long time But I won't lie. It's still weird like if I'm on stage and he walks in the room I'll at least notice like it does change the dynamic when you hook up with the comic

That's why I try so hard not to the last guy dated was a comic But when I met him, I didn't know he was a comic really I thought he was just more of an actor then all of a sudden I was like, uh, he's a comic like a real comic He's like everywhere and then I wanted to kill myself So life is great What are you playing happy holidays? For 2018 what do you want on 2018? You know what I I just uh I almost don't want to jinx it makes me I always feel weird talking about things that are like supposed to happen

But I just don't talk about I'm working on a book and I got a good Book thing going that I'm really excited about Um, and I want to bring back the Hollywood pool party. I think I'm gonna do it with all things comedy We're talking about that and then I have a couple. Oh my my podcast date fails is actually doing awesome. I still have to have you guys on I want to have you guys on it. I haven't had you and I've got tons of road dates, which is awesome Like I'm I'm actually I'm going to be in vegas with dom. I'm with dom era at the laugh factory

december 26 through The through new year's and then I've got tons of headlining road dates. Are you doing new year's eve? Yeah, we're doing new year's eve at the vegas laugh factory. It's so fun. Really? Yeah Yeah, it'll be a great time and actually jack juniors there with adam hunter playing uh la comedy clubs So like we're all gonna party together in vegas. It's gonna be awesome So I'll be there all week and then next year. I got lots of road dates. It's it's nice because I'm getting I'm getting a lot of headlining dates and that's what do you want to happen in 2018? I mean career wise

Would you like to would you like to book a pilot network? I almost don't even want to put it out there because I feel like it No, you always have to put it out there. It jinxes it to say that loud though. I meant jinx that Jinx if you got something working, you don't want to jinx it. No, but it jinxes. I feel weird like I want to get I'll say this I'll say this I want to get I do I do just make me nervous to say it But um, I want to there's a show i'm trying to sell I'd like to sell that and i'm working on this book And I want to get the book done I mean they told me the timeline they gave me it should be done next year

So that would be dope and then comedy wise I mean, I just I just submitted my half hour to comedy central So that would be awesome but I'm thinking about If it doesn't get on comedy central i'm thinking about putting it on YouTube Because I have a couple bits on there that I think would do You know, it's funny. We were talking about this me and you but it's almost like in some ways

I feel like now the shit that goes viral is almost more Beneficial than having something on a network like netflix or hbo like I was just at ontario improv. I don't know if I told you this and uh Angela johnson was coming up And they were telling me that anthony jezz on a cat a weekend there and they said he did well with sales But then they put angela johnson's sales up and they she sold out like two weekends in like 15 minutes or something And they said it's all like that viral that one that one bit So in my mind there's part of me that's like

Everyone's like I want the comedy central half hour the netflix special But part of me is like I have a couple bits. I'm like, what? Let me explain some to you just because Comedy central or netflix does not take you special It does not mean the end of the world especially in today's climate. That's what i'm saying in some ways today's climate is so internet that you don't want Okay, so you book a half It almost doesn't matter. They're here on a friday night one time

Then they'll play it against saturday at midnight. Yeah, and it goes bye bye Then people have to look it up and blah blah blah So it's not all it's cracked up to be you take that half hour cut it into Really put focus on your youtube page before you release that's what I think too six months of good focus on your youtube page You know what? Here's the problem. I think you're so right what the problem is. I've seen millions of people Trying to shoot that video that goes viral and you know You don't have a big window because after why he's becoming annoying You're right. I saw it happen with joey karate and I try to tell people all the time people beg do bring it back

It's that I saw the numbers decline. Yeah, and after a while you look desperate So knock it off But you know what else is I mean, I don't know a lot of people don't realize but Because these younger kids growing up all they watch is youtube. That's all they watch. That's lily's knows lily spoke about two weeks ago on the podcast Yeah, I mean I did the avianna words. I had a show on the playboy channel for two seasons I had an mtv show. I had all this. Oh, I was on josh wolf show on cnt Nothing matters now compared to the internet. Yeah, but I was gonna say if it's streaming

If you did the dumbest show if you did mark maren it streams That beats all that shit on tv. That's what I was gonna say like once at least once every three or four days I'll get recognized from all deaf digital, which is just a youtube channel But they have like two million subscribers and I work with them a lot I get recognized more from that from this podcast from my podcast more than anything And instagram like instagram is like As powerful as a tv channel at this point. Yeah, I auditioned from netflix. I love to get it I I put my time in

I'm asking for a file If they don't give it to me, I will not be mad at all. It will not hurt my feelings. Yeah, because I know there's So many other avenues and you can monetize it on Whatever a billion different channels. I can get it out there. Yeah, exactly You know, you shoot it, but nothing happens. You put it on youtube I mean that's it all these people you talk to now Are all they're all chasing the same nickel That's kind of why like it's when people are like, what is your goal? I'm almost embarrassed to say it because it's not like

Necessarily like a one hour special But it's more like this year. I'm headlining a bunch of dates My goal is for to sell out those shows and however that happens like if it's putting a viral video out If it's continuing to grow my instagram if it's my podcast growing. I just want to keep becoming more known and respected That's like narrow it down now. Yeah narrow it down and write it down. It's not about that Just to become a better comic. Well, that's like always the goal That's the number one thing to become a better comic a little sharper in my writing up Yeah, you know, it's so weird. I have to look I'm so happy that and quit drinking that I took these weeks off

Just to really reflect on what material I was doing. I'm glad you did. Yeah, because you never know you get into a rut, man And you have to perform but also have to perform life is short You have to perform, but no, it's not that life is short. It's that You want to come out with something new and fresh? So you take a couple weeks off you get entertained and you let the new you come up with those starts Maybe you're saying something you shouldn't be fucking saying because it's not really the new It's not really where you are. It changes things too. You get out of your usual fucking groundhog day routine You know lea couple weeks ago asked me a couple months ago and I almost fucking stabbed them

He goes, do you ever believe in taking a week off? Taking time off. You never take time off. No, I don't believe in it I talk about you to people because I literally like, you know, I'm taking time off from stand-up Yeah, but I'm writing a book. You don't take time off. No. No, I take I'm writing 500 words a day I'm trying to write a fucking sitcom with my buddy on the phone every day You know, I'm trying to tighten up the podcast and tighten up january and end the year Next week with you know, you have other avenues just because I'm not doing stand-up Exactly doesn't mean when I don't get when I got up at 5 30 and I put that coffee out

I drink water now first I drink a glass of cold water to get my body going Then I go and I hang out for a while. I smoke some reef and I drink some coffee I'm gonna come do a morning joint with you. Oh my god Then and then by that time her bees fucking up tormenting me asking me questions and she and then But what was the point? The point is how hard oh The whole time like I sent emails but you never take a vacation ever Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we're going away next week. You gotta take vacations. We're going to Huntington beach next week Yeah, you got to no hunting to me. I love you're going to Huntington. That's like an hour away

Yeah, perfect. And it's a fucking and it's a different world. I love Huntington. I really do. I know I love it there. I love the pier. It's a different world. What are you gonna do down there? Who knows just hang out I love that hang out. We're so close to mexico We do it all the time something because now she gets carsick Listen, are you gonna complain the child gets carsick the child? So I can't take it longer in a fucking hour because now we got to change your shit. I'm not doing that no more so We know we made plans to fly to different places But my ear is fucked up. So we're gonna go to Denver

In february and I was going to do the county works and then from there meet them and ask them And do the last week of fucking february and ask them gangsta style. That'd be so funny. They're snowing or snowboarding Take her. No, I can't 55. I'm gonna just put her on the fucking slopes. I'm coming with you I'm putting her on the slopes to baby and let her be a fucking snow bunny for a few days I just get some food and relax. I was thinking about doing that. I gotta do the fucking surgery And my ear and then uh, so I'm like you. I'm in limbo too. I gotta wait to hear what they say. I only got a week a month Until june. I didn't book heavy at all

At all at all Just to keep everybody happy Yeah, yeah, man, but it also makes you better. You change things up. You look at things now And I didn't know about this guys And I didn't know about this. I'm learning about this now You every once in a while, you gotta take a minute and look back and reflect And I haven't reflected since I got out of the prison, you know what I'm saying? You also gotta go away like that Thanksgiving I talked about. I mean, it was just a holiday

But I just didn't give a fuck about like work my phone social media I just spent a day just chilling and having fun and I I swear I felt like I went to rehab for a month Like I just felt so refreshed from one day of just chilling. Yeah, I might do social media tomorrow. I'm done till tuesday No Yeah, why why what were you doing? What are you doing on social media friday? If you if you're anybody have you got a family if you're legit You ain't gonna be on a social you don't have a family to be legit. I don't have a family. I have nothing I'm talking about if you're not

Listen, if by friday if you're on fucking social media, you better fucking figure something out I remember you and I got into this set where where was that? Yeah, because you were like you don't need to post so much you only get so many every tweet is money You fucking tweet too much. You're yelling at me I look at these people and I go they tweet all day Some people about everything All fucking day. I don't tweet about everything constant 24 seven You they tweet that people and you sit there and go when does this end?

Why I just don't understand it sometimes. I know it goes on. I remember I see people tweeting on my why they fucking tweet. I don't people tweet me stuff at me for no reason Sometimes I'll be sitting outside smoking a joint. I just look on twitter to entertain myself guys tweet at me and they go You're the worst feed. I follow on twitter. You suck and I'm like, why do you follow me? Go away I fucking hate when people criticize. You're followed. Go off just go away dirt you yourself Take a fucking hike fuck off. I don't need you. That's right. It's christmas bitches. Let me tell you something, man Yeah, and I didn't mean it in that sense, but it's the truth man if

You cannot be on fucking social media weekend. It's christmas weekend Turn the computer off Who gives a fuck about podcast or what fucking this guy had to say? or that guy had to say Just fucking go for a walk and get some air into your fucking brain And with that again, we want to wish you a merry christmas. We will be back well next week for one show only Again, I want you to hang out and breathe a little bit. I'm gonna show four shows down your fucking throat. It's a holidays If you if you're in the fucking house the time to get the fuck out of the house, bitch

You can't be in that house all fucking year. Nothing happens on the goddamn couch So get your shit together. But if you need to get your shit together and you want to get the party started And you're a little light on geetus Let me explain something to you. You need it and I know where you get it. You ready? My book is the place to score serious cash on your sports predictions Believe it or not, the holidays are just around the corner. What five days and while this means plenty of parties Gifts and most important and most important spending It also means that there's a lot of football bow games pro football

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Let's talk serious now When you're writing your christmas list, which is over if you didn't write your christmas list yet Go fuck yourself or write your fucked up But if you if you didn't write your christmas list You better tell santa. He still owes you money and all you want for christmas is a clean asshole When you got excess pine cones When you got excess pine cones hanging from your fucking asshole And some fudgy putting smeared all over your fucking fat fucking ass on holy night

You need a tushy bidet. That's right bitches bidets are back It'll clean your ass better any toilet paper on the fucking market Plus you save trees Plus your finger don't go to the paper and your finger banging yourself Now you got shit on your fingernail Then you rub your kid's face and he gets pink eye. Who needs that shit? The tushy bidet is the way to go and uses clean water to spray your butt Sparkling clean providing you with shower fresh feeling after every shit after somebody licks their tongue up your ass

Let's say you're gonna get a ball lick you go write the tushy pull out your fucking helmet It scrubs your balls and you dip your helmet in there clean the jism off the sides of it Go write the mama's room and pop in her mouth like a fucking soldier Plus no more skid marks. No more sugar burnt ferries hanging from your ass crack Just an asshole Cleaner than a white Christmas You understand me your asshole will be tip top magoo. Plus it kills germs. It keeps the hemorrhoids away Listen, this is the best gift you can give somebody. I'm telling you right now. Listen go to hello tushy dot com right now

The they got bidets portable bidets that started 69 dollars, okay Santa could afford these stop wiping with fucking nasty toilet paper And get a clean asshole nice and clean you dip your nut sack in there You pull the fucking skin back from your helmet and you'll wash that fucking helmet nice Hello tushy does all this shit with nice cold water. That's what's about. Let's see. I'm gonna do your board You can sit there all day and let that cold water hit your ass go On christmas day with your the only grandma's house for that fucking christmas card with five dollars and grandma Shop that five hours up your ass

I'm gonna stay home on my portable bidet smoke weed and let that water Tinkle my asshole. You understand me go to hello tushy dot com right now And use code church for 10% off your motherfucking order. You know what I'm saying? They started 69 dollars. You know, I love you guys. This is just an idea for a christmas president Again, I want to thank my bookie Dot a g I want to thank k quickly Thank you. I want to thank the christ killer But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for being family all year

And for being a great fucking audience and for letting us run our fucking craziness by you And for coming to the shows and for just all the support and love I wish you and lee wishes you and kate from the bottom of my fucking comedian heart And you know, I got nothing but heart. I wish you all the fucking mary Happy fucking christmas. Hanukkah. What's the black one? Kwanzaa. Yes, sir I'm in the japanese one. I'm coming deeper you motherfuckers Bottom of fat little chubby heart. Yeah, mary christmas. Have a great holiday And we'll see you next year to tip off the fucking new year, right? I love you stay black

Get ready for this fucking jam from honorees. Use jones I Saw you Walking in the rain You were holding hands and I never Be the same Toss me the tourney Another sleepless night the rain crashes against my window

Jumped into my car didn't That moment I knew I would never be the same Walking in the rain You were holding hands and I never Be the same You Girl, I love you and I almost will but darling right now I got to say good bye I saw you

Walking in the rain You were holding hands and I never be the same I saw you Walking in the rain You were holding hands and I never be the same I saw you hey, hey, baby. How you doing come on in here Got some hot chocolate in the store waiting for you. Listen first things first. Let me hang up that cold Yeah, how's your day today? Did you miss me?

They did yeah, I missed you too. I missed you so much. I followed you today That's right. Now close your mouth because you cold That's right. Now sit down here. Sit down here. It's so upset. We don't know what to do My first impulse was to run up on you and do a ramble We're about to jam you and flat blast both of you. I ain't want to mess with this 3700 links code For instead I chill Chill that was the bank took out every dime

And I'm wouldn't cancel all those credit cards All your charge counts I stuck it up every piece of jewelry I ever bought you. Yeah, that's right. Everything Everything No, don't go Looking in that closet because you ain't got nothing in everything you came here with is packed up and waiting for your new gas room That's right. What was you thinking about? Who you trying to prove?

Huh, let's look at juice You know, I gave you silk suits, Gucci handbags, blue diamonds. I gave you things that couldn't even pronounce Now I can't give you nothing but advice because you're still young That's right. You're still young. I hope you learn a valuable lesson from all this You know, I'm gonna find somebody like me one of these days Until then know what you got to do. You got to get on out of here with that out of cat cold When the hush puppy shoo in a crump cake. I saw you with because you just missed. That's right Silly rabbit tricks are made for kids. Did you know that?

You without me like cornflake without the milk It's my world. You're just a squirrel trying to get a nut