Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #546 - Agostino Zoida

Episode Date: January 2, 2018

Agostino Zoida, a comedian, writer, and host of the "Home Schooled" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever!     Recorded live on 01/01/2018.


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Just go to zip recruiter comm slash church. That's zip recruiter Dodge that zip recruiter comm slash church one more time I messed that one up that zip recruiter comm slash church get the best town available to you right now number two You know what your number two new year resolution should be I'm gonna wash my ass more This year. I'm gonna have my ass tip top my goo Four times a day because from time to time I put my hand down there And I'm scared to wave it cuz fucking birds will come down. You know I'm saying That's why you got hello tushy

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Hello tushy the best portable bidet out in the market. I also want to give a shout out to my family on it Always on it with the best supplements out there. You understand me from Alfa brain to shroom tech to the hemp force protein shake cocoa That's my world go to honor calm and press church and get this party started Lee kick this fucking mule Oh shit. Oh shit. Listen You were wasted in a fucking cocktail bar, right? Uncle Joey here the church of what's happening now kick them you'll eat Oh shit the church of what's happening now the New Year's Day edition You know how many fucking gorilla biscuits I eat this Nobody quail dudes. I fucking ain't done this fucking song seriously

That's right you dirty bitch put you back there waiting on fucking people I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me Here we go move those shoulders Don't you want it baby? Oh shit. That's the way Spanish Church of what's happening here. Happy new year may this year better be your best year on fucking record You understand me you'll be healthy because without your health you got dick And with the health everything else will fall into place My guest tonight of fucking the Agostino Zoyn and my little brother and the Christ killer

the original the matzo clisto satyat Freshman's new year's trip to San Jose Beautiful fucking savage. You know I'm saying he made San Jose in the New Year's Destination yeah, just follow me from Long Beach to San Jose the top trips in California. What'd you do up there? I did a lot of stuff. Don't even ask. Oh my god Oh my god, there's a museum. There's a computer history museum. That was cool when it's out of the house with Steve Jobs was Grew up and started Apple we went to a place in the Santa Cruz called the mystery spot

With it was fucking awesome. You know, yeah We went to Santa Cruz. They have a place in the Redwood Forest where for whatever reason Things just aren't the same like compasses go crazy Do you feel dizzy like I like the house like every building they try to build on this hill falls and slides the house Like you feel like you're like really did they felt like you were had a what's the thing for to go? Oh my god, it was cool and We want to tour there. What else did we do? Yeah, the computer history museum was really cool. It was just seeing the birth of Of computers a hundred years ago and we like but actually taking us back to like the avocases and I didn't even know

Computers started with a punch card system like a like an actual paper card Was telling a computer what to do. There wasn't any memory or anything in the computer. It's where it was pretty interesting And yeah, it was uh, it's just it's great up there It was we I had the best sushi of my life up there. It was for with no valet parking and Everyone's nice everyone. They won't just have like you everyone at any store is happy to see you And it just it doesn't happen on everywhere you go. So we had a great time up there Very nice. Yeah. Oh Yeah, anyway

Shout out to the bear anyway, I was your new years my friend very very light. I loved it It's great. You didn't even think about going out. No, I don't want to It's so weird how your life changes from new years at one point. You can't think of not being out on new years And at one point you're like, okay, I'm not even doing dick. Like I was in bed at 10. I Went to Huntington Beach. Yeah, two fucking edibles And I at 730. I knew it was gonna be a it was gonna be a rough night Like I'm like, I don't think I'm making the fucking minute. I had been on the beach We walked half the fucking beach looking for seashells

If I didn't bend over once I didn't bend over a thousand times to pick up fucked up shells and shark-toots and shit So I knew it was gonna be, you know walking in the sand fucking rubs you up a little bit Yeah, so we kept walking walking walking daddy. Let's go chase the seagulls. Let's go do this I look back at the fucking bridge. I'm like, we're a mile down, though That's a fucking walk. Yeah, and last night we're gonna go to Derry Queen But it was so fucking cold like I had dropped so much at that point And we didn't want to walk with her in the middle of the fucking circles of people

We just said fuck it. We stay in and watch the I watch shark tank That was my fucking new years and I sat there at one point like kind of depressed for like 20 minutes Because I was like, what the fuck am I doing my life? I'm in Huntington Beach. I'm in a hotel with my wife and my daughter. My wife told me all three nights She's like, you know, you're gonna stay in and all three nights I stayed and I was gonna go out to watch the fights out of the night. And I was like, why would I fucking want to go out? There's a way to watch on the computer. I gotta just figure it out. I call Lee I got it on YouTube and I was very happy just sitting there watching. I was content. It was the perfect end

Like it was a vacation from the vacation. Yeah Which I don't really I don't want to listen. We got a plane for a living So if you think a vacation for me is going to fucking Hawaii on a six-hour flight Another six-hour home. That's not a fucking vacation for me. That just reminds me of fucking work. You know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm, and I think there's so many like Lee's right There's a lot of places in California. Like I'd like to go to Joshua tree, but she gets sick Yeah, I was thinking about that. I got sick on the way down. I was gonna ask you how she did this trip. Listen to me We I don't do much with mercy in my wife because we cannot drive right

Because for years it was a fucking puke fest and you have pull over and change clothes and then again no puke It was just fucking difficult. We had to take the car and get detailed Just did it was just a disaster. So we we've been working in a lightly So Friday morning we get up we get the fucking car You know 637 30, you know lost man we get up bang getting a fucking car and we shoot down there I Feel great. I had a protein shake. I had been up for an hour. I was already packing. I went to bed that night I was fine for some reason my wife wasn't feeling well She kept saying Joey if I tell you I'm car sick. Would you believe me?

Me one of the whole time Mercy's singing Melon John song came on and that she knows from the water that fucking movies. Yeah, and she was singing off the top our lungs and about 20 minutes out of out of Whatever beach I need to beach where's where I finally broke down. I think it was just horrible Like the last 10-minute ride on the 405. I don't know how I did it Wow I kept drinking water had both windows open. I had the air on blast and I could feel tingles all over my body and Finally we pulled over and dog. I had the puke right here in my throat Okay, yeah, right there in my throat and every motherfucker wanted to stop in a yellow

I was ready to go through a fucking truck with the fucking car like no you did not stop and a fucking yellow light No, you did not stop in a fucking yellow light and finally I just pulled into a street and guys Let me tell you how bad my ear is at this point That when I got out of the car my leg gave out and I just turned around and laying on the car For like five minutes and then push myself back put my neck down and just barfed And I bar to like two minutes. I Fucking wiped off my mouth with a towel. I Washed my mouth out with water and I opened up my jacket and took it off and this cold sweat came out of me

Oh, I hate that just as cold sweat came on my body My wife came out of the car by that time I was able to walk around the car and sit in the passenger side and face the street People were washing their cars changing tires. I'm sitting there fucking the bathroom shit And I finally got back to the hotel and they did something I told I gotta take a nap That's the that's what balances me back. It's like an hour nap Whenever I get that car sickness over for an hour like this when I opened up for Wheeler Walker Two weeks ago three weeks ago when I got to San Diego, I had taken that

Thank God I got the hotel and thank God I left early. She had super car stick on a San Diego. Yeah Not super duper But enough. Yeah, like when I got there. I knew there was gonna be a fucking problem if I didn't get my life together So I take a nap get up jump in the shower eat something I get really carsick, too Yes, you see it's all right if I'm driving though. I remember I first started working with you Like first time we got in the car to go to gig somewhere together I was just like, oh, I'll drive I get carsick if I don't and you're like guess what me too cocksucker. I'm fucking driving I can't I can't fucking do it and it's weird cuz you you go on the Laurel Canyon four times a week and that's really windy

Yeah, I guess the bottom okay to the bottom of a little can because the four fives kind of straight at that point. So I'm I'm I'm very Not going very lucky. I've never had to deal with this. So is it does that have anything to do with the windy or just driving? Has to do with everything I guess for me. I'm just for you. Listen, I started out with it But then for years that went away And then just recently came back in my old day. I'll say you regressed maybe I don't know. I was a kid I couldn't fucking go to the corner on a bicycle I would get carsick on a fucking that bad. I would get carsick on a boat

I remember still going to Miami one time and fishing and fucking passing out and them trying to wake me up The fish they caught they were cooking it and it was fucking delicious. That would brought me back They had to be this fish was breaking. I don't forget that being like a seven-year-old kid and Eating the fish after I barfed everywhere on the deck and the Sunday back on the fucking ship But your daughter was good. That's a good. Yeah, she was perfect. She was perfect We're the ones that got sick But I'm telling you it's still a 50-50 toss, bro. Yeah on the way this morning She had breakfast a little bit of breakfast on behalf of bananas strawberry. She didn't get sick. So I

Was happy about that, you know, I was thinking about you digestino. I'm gonna be doing comedy for now It's gonna be in February nine years. I think I started in 2009 February 2009 Like it's weird. I did today. I bumped into somebody at the park Before I called you I was at the park today with the baby and fucking And I bumped into a guy at the park and he goes, hey, how you doing? Our kids know each other. We started talking about this and they told me his wife had a podcast and he was like a

A comic that never made a jump You know, we broke it down and then we just sat there We watched the kids play And he goes, can you explain to me how you did it, you know, like the beginnings? What made you believe? And I was like, I went to new york, you know, I was lost for two or three years in comedy the first two or three years I was really lost I was just going to open mics. I didn't have a plan even though I had read a book or two and I'd taken some comedy classes. I'd taken one class at that time

But I didn't really get the The workload I was gonna get Was ahead of me before I jumped into it I thought you just got on stage and got discovered as I said in this podcast many times I didn't know that there was work behind it that yeah, you could get discovered And you'll get put somewhere and then you'll fail Because you didn't have the chops and what was the sense of getting discovered, right? So, uh

You know, there's like a pattern. There's like a process There's like a commitment level, you know, when you When I got to colorado in 93 I I knew I was going to be a comic. I knew I was set to be a comic I never knew I'd be in LA and nothing like that. I just thought I'd be on the road I thought I'd be one of those comics that just worked on the road, you know saying that Uh, the success was working on the road. There was no tv credits. There was no film credits It was just road work. That's what I thought I could accomplish, you know

So I attacked it and at first I just attacked it very wildly I went on triple runs and then when I was home, I just get on every open mic That I did and there was nothing Really going on with it and then by the time I got to seattle In june 95 Was when I realized that I had to treat this As I would treat a business and it went right back to my car salesman days I went back with my car salesman days at the beginning of the month. We're all zero

Me you and lee on the first of the month. We're all zero And that's how we work the month and now you start you start learning a path Of how to work. Thank god. I sold cars You could do too. Okay, so I'll go to lee and go lee What do you need on the 31st of january? And leo going, you know, I need 2300 and I'll go. What do you need the agustino? I need 3200. What do you need? Joey, I need 2800 And you sit there and you analyze this you go, how am I gonna break this down into weeks

Because on the 15th as a car salesman, you always get a draw So you could sit on your ass for those two weeks. You don't really have to do much But what does that mean a draw a draw? They just give you 1500 After a while you develop a trusted done And they'll just give you 1500 dollars instead of just taking your all your car deals and everything Fuck it. We'll just give you 1500 and then at the end of the month, we'll watch you out And I'm sure you'll make 1500 plus and then we'll give you the balance of your money on the fifth of the month So

What you tend to do is get lazy As a salesman, you know, you got a check coming on the 15 because you got that 1500 or 1500 on the 15th So you decide to go to work at the second half of the month You get strategic and even though I was on coke and even though I was fucking young and stupid I always I looked at the guys that were making money And I figured out what they were doing. They were very strict about their time They're very strict about their appearance They're very punctual. They followed up

They had a pattern to follow up You know, I would go into work and just fucking pull out the deal sheets. I had and call people go. Diego Steno You're still interested in that car come on down. No These guys had a notebook with a time when they called them and what they said and notes And when I started doing it that way, that's when I started last time we spoke You were looking at the Volvo, Diego Steno. Did you pick up the Volvo? No, no So I took that same plan like that I was doing for car sales and put it into comedy And what the plan was basically was to

Uh Same thing. What do we need To make you a nut every month, Diego Steno Now you like selling what new cars that means you're gonna make a 150 car And fucking whatever you get back from the dealer So the dealer has like if you call the dealer After you sell the car And either they give you 100 dollars to 250 dollars

So your average is going to be 150 to 100. That's 250 a car. What was your number? His was 32 32. What's eight? What's 250 into 32? Like 14 or something. Yeah, you got to sell 14 cars So how are we gonna fucking sell 14 cars? That's seven cars per quarter First of all, you're not gonna sell it on ups Ups is fresh meat. You're gonna do 50% of that business on ups But they're gonna be people that you spoke to the month before and follow it back with yeah And that's why your numbers have to be high

Your percentages have to be high So you have to break it down into a business just like that So what do I need to sell? The three because so it's 14 cars divided by four is fucking well four cars a fucking week You got to sell four fucking cars a week so your kids eat So now what do you do? You got to be there the whole time. That's gonna kill you What good isn't having money if you don't have your fucking If you don't see your kids, right? So your time becomes fucking valuable

So I took all those elements from car sales and I put them in there It took me four years But I finally go So what did that mean that meant that I kept records now? I took a notebook and I would put in january 1st. I would put okay This year I'm gonna do 300 fucking sets Because I was living in bold and in bold I was doing 16 sets a month and I had to drive all over god's creation. I had to do triple runs to get 16 sets a month

In seattle I could get 20 sets a month Just staying in seattle and hustling you could do the three clubs and guess sets and do 20 fucking sets Without doing anything So I figured to get really good at comedy You need to do 300 sets a year You know what 300 sets a year is that's 25 fucking sets a month That means if I go on the road all four fucking weeks, I'm only doing 20 fucking sets. I still got to work on my days off

But you can't do that. So what do you do? You count all these little fucking gigs the sets That's why you do those three set nights because you're like, oh, I got that off my fucking back You know what I'm saying? Even I always have goals when I'm in town three sets a week I don't want you out every night, but if you do three sets a week in two podcasts I'm pretty fucking happy if somebody gives me two spots on a fucking tuesday And I still got a thursday and a saturday that i'm really fucking happy I picked up four Do you guys get the urge to like the does doing this spot make you want to do another one? Do you like multiple spot nights? Absolutely, especially if you're chasing a goal

If your goal is you have set different type of goals Where you're trying to do it? You're trying to be funny and get comfortable on stage That means you got to keep fucking going down there Forget about the funny. Let's just get comfortable And learn how to set the mic down and all that this is all baby steps That people never really look at these little things when it comes to comedy But you could still do this you could still apply these things Whether you're a computer tech or a plum or whatever the fuck you are

You could still apply all these same things that I did From the car sales into the comedy to increase To increase my comedy thing And then it just really adorned on me after about a year economy. I went to a Toyota place And what that guy that I've had him call into the podcast for like the One year we haven't called in on the first day of the year to talk about goals And it was the same thing now I go away the second How do I get funny?

How the fuck do I get funny So how do I get funny and then you have to write like three things under it get on stage Write funny material and fucking you get to come up with a third one And then every day go back to it and rewrite it Like that's how strict my fucking work ethic was then with comedy By the time I got to Seattle, I was making a living Because I put all the things in order. What was it living? I was making 800 a month

And I would have to drive to Bremerton to fucking Tacoma shit like that You know what I'm saying? But I still I'd have to take a plane or drive long distances The longest I ever drive to was to the tri cities like uh To uh Spokane and all that out there they have a comedy club out there now in Spokane I can't go because of the warrant, but we're trying to get rid of the warrant We're trying to get rid of the warrant. In fact, I got to call Greg and wish him wish him a happy new year But I just wanted to go over what Your goals are at the nine-year mark. Yeah, maybe to help you out and to help other comics or people listen to the show

Just to go one year as per, you know, and I was thinking about your Friday Night I went to dinner with one of my young agents, right? How do you know? You told me we were talking on the phone. We were talking about you. Your name came up during the thing And I'm like, that's really wild that he asked me about the Agostino and he goes that he liked you set somewhere You were really funny. I told him that you were a good writer. So I go, you know what, man The Agostino is never quit. You know, you have your little day gig but you're always putting together little hustles I try to give you some work. Shoebie gives you some work. This guy gives you some work And that's what you do. This is the life of the comic. This is where you're at right now

And if you freak out you're freaking out for no reason Because this is the life of the comic Like when I met Simone, this is when you you were Simone Oh, really? And now Simone headline last night at the fucking Minnesota the mall of America He's been working a lot. Is it Madison Square Garden? No, it isn't But my point is that this is the This is what you're looking at now

You have to sit down and go, all right. What do I want to accomplish this year? I want to this year. I want to do 30 more minutes I want to do Four spots of that a week and I want to do I want to get into six new clubs And maybe book a commercial Let's get really creative. Maybe book a commercial Maybe in June I bump into a commercial agent. I'll take my headshot And next you know, I'm in a fucking tide commercial with the fucking Italians jumping up and down

Mom, where's my sweater? You know what I'm saying? Mom, where's my sweater? And how do you like if there's a comedian out there listening How are how are you guys realistic with where you are like with your goals? Like if if If a one-year comedian is doing his goals right and has to go out this year I want a headline you might say that's not realistic. So no, yeah, you definitely should keep realistic. I mean you gotta have realistic goals I mean, it's not like It's not like I wouldn't want to have like a fucking special this year

But I mean, I know that I that's not my list. So I want to write just on the outside looking in like comedy looks very Frustrating as a profession because there's really no guideline. There's no There's no ranking. There's like it just it just kind of happens at everyone's individual pace So to know like I know you have to be realistic, but Maybe maybe you're supposed to reach a little bit. So at a five years Are you that too early to want to headline like no, no, I know a lot of people who had lined in three years

Wow, but let me ask you a question What do you consider a headline? A guy who does 45 minutes Or a headliner, right? Okay, so Yes, there's people who They move off the ranks quickly I was not one of those people

They move with the ranks a little bit too quickly and they headline but I go back to that pencil commercial From the 90s, you could pay me now Or you could pay me later You have to put the hours on the meta The same thing you do with jujitsu the same thing you do with karate All these arts you have to put that time in

There's something about that time now Excuse me, what's time joey? Okay, let's pretend you are headlining No tv credits. No nothing just funny guy You got 45 minutes I've heard your shit before I'm not calling you a thief I'm just saying that, you know, johnny originado, right, but you got your moments. Okay, and uh Yeah, you're working triple runs you're doing one night blah blah blah Yeah, you're a headliner, but it's a different headline

Now let's say you get into one of the chains And again, you you still live in oklahoma, but you work those chains You're getting somewhere. You know I'm saying after 10 12 years You become a good headliner, but guess what? At the 20 year mark you become a really fucking good headliner You know, it's interesting when we started the podcast they were speaking about dave chappelle right and right now you Lee

There's a bunch of people that are young that think that dave chappelle had the chappelle show when he came from that The chappelle show was what 2000? I'll look it up around that time. Yeah There's a long time ago 2000 What is it? First episode air oh three oh three, okay I know chappelle banging it in 93

I remember chappelle being in that movie Robin Hood men in shorts men in tights. Yeah men in tights And you know he had development when I was doing comedy for years Chappelle was already on his way to be a star They just couldn't find the right vehicle isn't the 90 professor wasn't he was not he was doing movies He was in con air, but they were trying to put him in A fucking tv show abc gave him deals. He had a bunch of fucking deals And if i'm not mistaken even shot a few pilots

That just he had a pilot with somebody Greg can hear somebody he had a pilot with They just could not find the perfect and look if they found the he found that with neil brennan In a sketch Comedy black show telling the truth. You know stories telling the truth charlie murphy am you know So he turned the whole culture around. I mean if you look at his shows, it's not fucking black people jumping up and down Yeah, you know i'm saying it's not black people all jumping up and down So let's look at a guy like that. He's been doing comedy

since the 80s men 80s late 80s You know he he's not this good because He just got up. He's been in there for 30 years guys He's been in there for 30 years What do you I mean that's experience it is experience And and that's not I don't want to I haven't seen the comedy store special But the first one I saw the first one where he opens up talking about how good he is was very interesting

Which is fucking tremendous because it's not what you're saying. It's how you say it Okay, it was very brilliant as I was looking at it sitting there going to myself The way he's saying that he's still in the show. He's not lying either Yeah, he's not lying. He's that good. He's not lying He knows he has a set and he mesmerizes you Right mesmerizes you like no comic ads In the last 20 years. He has a different Persona to him. You know what I'm saying? Yeah

to to the To the regular black man, you know to the regular white man He looks like a harmless black dude, you know what I'm saying So I don't know. I don't know what his appeal is. He appeals to me. He's a very sweet guy And I like I said, I saw the first special and I didn't watch the whole thing because I was tired You know, like I always say you can watch 30 minutes and then you got to go to fucking bed and uh It was just great just to see that but I know that body of work took 30 fucking years

You know that took 30 fucking years A lot of people at home thinks he just they think he probably just gets up The same way I thought about stand-up I thought you just got up and fucking, you know, yeah, you had it or you didn't yeah, that's it. No, no, no, no There's tons of work in this league There's tons of work patience eating shit Taking shit sleeping on floors sleeping on beds

You know your buddy making you drive at one in the afternoon and sitting in a strange town for six hours Yeah, with nothing to do. There's just a thousand fucking things That you sit there and go what the fuck am I doing my life? But this is your passion Maybe this is one of your final fucking. I know it was my last frontier. There was nothing more Past this so right now you're at the nine-year mark You're featuring yeah, right And what are you looking for for this year? Like what is a guy like you looking for? um

First of all like for this year. I like I write I wrote a couple things down, you know You need a pen? Yeah I don't like doing like news resolutions. You know what I mean? I feel like that's just setting your like he was saying like dieting is never going to work You know, it's a lifestyle change. It's like the same thing news resolutions. They don't fucking work I I just write things down that just makes me keep more organized and just cross them off one by one So a couple of things on the list is uh, I mean, I just want to get more spots I mean, I am in a place where I'm I'm seeing guys that have been doing it less time than me or the same amount of time

It's me. They just get way more spots than I do um, I mean, I'm sure that you know, they're out there way more than I am and uh I just feel like I kind of hit like a wall and I want to Just maybe kind of start getting into acting now Like like you said, maybe get a commercial agent. That's one thing that I want to do this year All right at the nine year mark for me it was two I started in 91. So what's nine years 2000? By 2000

I was doing comedy. Yeah nine years I had a fucking shitty manager I had a shitty agent I was uh Getting pulling in 80% of the work myself. You know me. I'm a fucking killer when it comes to that shit I was getting breakdowns and I can't no I'm gonna I lied to you about a manager From about 98 To 2000 2001. I had a great manager

He was just more aggressive Than what I needed at the time. I wasn't that good He knew how to fucking take you make you an act to get your deal And then put you on the road with the right people. He was born and raised. He was a bellyhills kid He was just a tough Jew and he had a temper and he would yell at people and hang up phones and tell people to go fuck themselves But on the other side, he was he wasn't scared to pick up the phone Which was why I loved him. He called anybody and tried to muscle him at any fucking time like listen man And he would see was very intelligent before he made the call. He'd get very knowledgeable about the subject

Break it down and call you and say yeah, I can see these other facts Two years ago your show on abc was this this this this demographic What you need is a more a little rich in character Why don't you come see my man? Joe D is at the improv tonight at 8 30 put him on your show. Let's write him into episode four We could still save the fucking season He was those type of Jews, you know what I'm saying? So That that was impressive that you he would she would call you up on a Monday or listen

Thursday night put together seven minutes about Gambling I'm trying to get you on this show on HBO. I'm having the writers come down And next you know you you're talking to the writers and they're telling you what direction And but at least you get to talk to the people who are putting the show together. He got right to the source You know, he didn't go to the producers. He went right to the writers if he had a problem He went to the producer. Hmm. I said your show sucks This is what you need to save your show. Lee sciat is a magician And fucking the Agostino is a pizza maker that's a backwards issue. He's ever thought it

That'll make a fucking show. He was one of those type of managers I got with him I booked basketball Okay And I booked something else But I really worked as a comic was that in 2000

I think baseball was 98 when I met him. I had just booked the pilot for cbs. He didn't close the deal He he made me work for a little while And I booked something like a commercial I booked like a co-commercial And he saw it and he called me goes ass. I'm in a co-commercial. Come on down. Let's talk next week So I'll never forget that before he spoke to me He called a few agents to try to get me meetings and nobody wanted to see me Except one fucking agent

Okay, I learned a valuable lesson this day And he goes meet me at such and such place. He bought me lunch and he goes here's what's going on I reached out to 13 agents and he gave me their names or she goes None of them wanted to meet with you. She goes, I got one person who's in love with you Let's go see and I go, what's her name and he told me I forget what the what her name was. This is 99 maybe And you know When you're looking for an agent you want to be going to the other direction on sunset, you know what I'm saying Towards Beverly Hills towards fucking towards the comedy store. Yeah

This we met somewhere and instead of getting the car making a right He made a left. I'm like, what the fuck are we? And next thing you know, he's making a left on Highland This is 98 he's making a left on Highland. Oh my goodness. Now a 98 Highland was beat the fuck up Well, before you hit that thing where they have parking there like that little circle Yes, okay before you hit that circle that whole area was perversion and crack Right there. I would go to three days a week and sell pornos on the phone When I moved here, there was a job that I paid eight dollars an hour

And you go there and every day was a nude set of freaks If you stayed the day they gave you an extra ten dollar bonus I would send you down there. It was fun. I learned how to sell shit I worked there for as long as I could Which was about four weeks. And I sold pornos on the phone to know to fucking mom people don't watch pornos People watch pornos and fucking Individuals not to store. Yeah, they give you a list of names and you call stores So what's the pitch like? How you doing the agostino here from whatever films?

You know, uh, I'm gonna call you and see if you've seen a new inventory. What do you got tell me what you got Well, we got fucking sex on sex with medgets We got people vomiting on each other. I would never even watch the movies I would just take the names And they'd say yeah, seven me three four. We have an account with you already. Thanks for calling. Yeah, you're my new account Because people quit all the time But in there, I remember coming out of there one day Walking coked out like from the night before. Yeah just showing up because I had no else to talk to

I was living right there in hollywood And I was getting checks from the taco bell commercial And there was two hotels that were cousins You could stay there for 10 days and then they asked you to leave But you had to go to the other one Then after 10 days you'd go back to the other one But you couldn't stay longer than 10 days And I since I lived there. I didn't want to go at that time

A 65 65 sunset that building was all telemarketing You're going and you get a job that day 10 bucks an hour selling fucking insurance or something like that I wanted to sell porn on commission I went up there. I had money so I didn't give a fuck. I had Taco Bell money Oh, shit. So I was going up there just to fuck around and I was making 80 90 a day But I still remember one day walking out of there And buying coke like that's how bad that street was And in that street there's a middle building. It's still there

There's a building that building was filled with garbage Telemarketing scams all that shit on the fourth floor was an agency And I still remember walking into the hallway and looking up in the ceiling tile being removed and going This is the fucking agent that wants to sign me I was like embarrassed. I was like heartbroken Like all his clients were with top notch fucking agents and nobody wanted to sign me except this fucking little Five foot two jewish ball of fire from chicago that didn't give a fuck

That wore blue Fucking blue fucking shadow shit over her eyeballs And she'd sit there all day just pitching you on the fucking phone like an animal And I was like, I don't know. I'll get back to you over the holiday She seemed fucking stern jack. She was like, listen if you sign with me This is how we do shit here And I was like, bro, we're in a fucking building that sounds cracked What the fuck are you talking about? I walked and I don't forget how heartbroken I was

And then something happened and I had to sign with her And she fucking worked guys This lady was a fucking worker She would get me out three days a week For everything and I was on fire with I forget the shit I booked She got me and analyzed that fucking Spider-man 2 fucking

That movie that a lot of tv if you look at my mdb a lot of that tv From 99 to 2003 was her then she snapped because her parents owned the fucking Refrigeration kingdom in Chicago. They were millionaires. So she snapped went back Then they gave her a bunch of money something happened. They're trying to make her find the husband Who the fuck did you go right away to a different agent when she left? Yeah, like right away You had someone that wanted you but that went so fast. No, no, no, no, no You still got to go down to Samuel french and get the agent book

And fucking get your picture and type up a resume and put them all in there And type up a cover letter write up a cover letter by hand To show them that you're an animal. Is that how it works still today? That's the only way I would do it So like do you like describe What you're going through right now like like maybe I just like what it's like trying to get an agent or a manager without When anybody don't have one I mean, I don't even know where to begin. I I've never tried I never for even for stand-up. I've never had an agent I never had a manager. I mean when you were at the nine point you had one already. I guess, huh?

Well, I was here I was here and there were things going on so Did I need I needed one to help me get acting stuff? That's why I went with her I had no choice but to go with her because Jeff who was my manager's assigned he had a system to working things Okay, when he would get up in the morning Jeff would get up at 5 a.m And he would look through the breakdowns where all the jobs would be

So by 6 30 and there would be 50 pages of breakdowns guys Jesus and he knew all his clients in his head And you just go through all these sheets and circle the clients that you want for auditions You just circle and then most people do what traditional people do what I did you take a headshot You put a resume in there and you put a cover letter and pray for the best Pray that she actually opens it and takes your headshot out But People like that could send the picture messenger

She has to sign for it, which means she'll open it and then they call If you look at a lot of breakdowns, they'll always say on top We do not accept calls That's for fucking people who believe that shit To get your clients in there. You got a call if you don't call you're not gonna get your clients You got a call and see what's going on. This is who we have for this. Who's the Agostino? He just moved here from Italy You know, it doesn't matter. He's perfect for the role. You're gonna love him. So Taco Bell was 94 What did you say 98 Taco Bell was like 98?

So you were 97 98 seven eight years in a stand-up you already did a commercial. I was a stand-up Yeah, I was I was I got here at 97 and I had been doing stand-up six and a half years seven years But as soon as I got here, that was the one thing I got signed to the best commercial agent in town Sudden Barton Minari at the time were top notch All across the board and brother. It was like I signed with them like on tuesday It took like a week I got like one or two and then it took off Like if you didn't book with them

You're not gonna have a future here Because nobody did a better job It didn't stop I had a pager in those days Rogan has spoken about an aria and all those guys had a pager in those days In those days, this is how your day started from six at night To about eight you'd get a page or a call. Hey De Agostina, how you doing? Michael Dell Sudden Barton Minari you're going in tomorrow for a tide

1045 Santa Monica 5th Street Yeah, dress with a red shirt. Okay. Thank you. Boom That's it. You got a 1045. That's how your day started So when you went out that night to do comedy, you knew you had to go home early You got to go home early and get some sleep because you had to be at Santa Monica 5th Street at fucking 1045 You get up, boom, eat breakfast shoot down to Santa Monica walking there about 10 o'clock You know going to get in there early get the fuck out of there. So you get the rest of your day going You go down eight you you read

By the time you walk out of there to your car You got another page from them Where you at? I'm walking out of Taco Bell. All right. Take the car and go to ocean drive You got a 1215. You know like fuck 1215 I came out every 10. I was doing the right thing. So they gotta sit down there. That's why you bring a book A movie whatever and then I went to the other plane and then when you walked out of there You got in your car and you made it all the way back to Hollywood And by the time you make it back to Hollywood, maybe an hour later. You get another page where you at

Hollywood perfect Go down to 200 south Lebray They're looking for a plumber for a fucking Geico commercial And you went over by Pekko on Lebray. Yeah on top of that. There's auditioning up there And you went there parked your car. You couldn't park in the parking lot The fucking side street is four to six and the fucking front is fucking a quarter for two seconds You know what I'm saying? There's a quarter for three seconds By the time you turn around your quarter's gone

There's a black chick with a fucked up hairdo with donuts on the air Fucking giving you a 52 dollar ticket. So it's torture dog It's torture. It's a it's a horrible living Because sometimes you go upstairs and you forget to come down and put a quarter in the meter And you come out and you got a 52 dollar fucking ticket All that shit when you go for auditions is heavy-duty ticketing So you better have 10,000 quarters in your fucking car at all times I only ever wanted to be a stand-up like you know what I mean?

Like I don't I never reached out to try to get a commercial agent ever and I didn't either but the problem is that it's the back door Right and sometimes you have to look sometimes you have to go to the back door to get to the front door You know, so that was the way I looked at it. My strategy was I came here and I was already a regular at the store that really fucking helped me so That put me in the other two clubs kind of sort of Jamie let me do Monday nights and the improv gave me one

Maybe two spots a week if I was lucky So from the store I worked that angle Like I would just but You have to it was a different time than it wasn't 9 11 yet before 9 11 a little after 9 11 security tightened And casting agents won't let you go into sony no more Like there was a time I could walk up to the sony gate and I could have an envelope and go I'm here to see carol witherspoon

What's your name joey d is I just want to drop this off I don't need to see it. It's for an audition and the garden. Do you from a different audition? And he's letting in And you go to her office and drop the envelope off and the casting assistant would see you And she go who are you on the agustina? I'm here to drop this off for the roller roody I just saw it the breakdowns. I thought I would be good for it and she'd look at you and go That's great. Leave me a number if you leave your number you're getting an audition This so that doesn't happen anymore down there

I don't think people have the spunk to do that anymore So it's not that it's frowned on to do it no no no you listen as a casting director Your job is to book that job with the right person You don't give a fuck where you find them If I feel if I felt that aggressive and I gotta tell you something I went after maybe 12 roles aggressively and I probably got eight of them the percentages were high You know maybe in casting they decided to make the guy black or thin

Or they wanted to go with a more seasoned actor somebody who got a little bit of a name But all those the angles I took like I I would drop off pack like I remember dropping off an envelope one time For harliss i'm getting a call that afternoon and booking it and I ended up being an episode with james cobra Wow, you know the tape went to producers and one of my friends from the county store was a producer So it was an envelope I dropped off That's that's a different type of mind game. That's to keep yourself busy See When I fucking

When you slip and fall with a jew attorney and they're trying to sue somebody Don't tell you gotta go to the doctor. So every day You start going to therapy or anything you could go to the scan because you're putting the time in you're punching in Yeah, the same applies to this career that we have The more you punch into something the more you get from it If somebody's giving a free acting class at north hollywood high school from six to nine and you can make it make it I'd go for free and get the basics and fuck around and pay two hundred dollars Do you know what i'm saying? Yeah, the little more you take

Especially you just want to dabble a little bit anyway You don't need to be listening. You don't need to be Olivier the book shit I was no Olivier when I booked the Taco Bell commercial made me fucking money that I'd never seen before You know when I booked the pilot for cbs. I was no fucking Olivier You know, I was just a regular fucking small. I had a look they liked. You know, it's a fucked up look You know, I had he had today role and I lucked out, you know I could play like a pimp. I could play a gangster I could play an italian fucking hit man. I could play a fucking pizza man

I could play a garbage man. Look at all this for you You know, there's so many fucking things I could do They just are so specific You get a lot more work than I did at that age At your age right now, you get a lot more additions But I would get when I got here because when I got here I was 30 something fucking years old I was already longer the tooth by their standards And what about the guy who's got the day job?

And you know, just wants to be a stand-up comic. So that's what he does at night And so now he wants to get into Acting commercial, you know, just to get some work that way. I mean if they're paging you three times In a day, there's no day job anymore. No, you got to let go of it It's when you're not in union, right? So you would be you would get a lot of work in the beginning The season you're up, you would just get a lot of work man much and Like I say the more involved you are the more chances you got a going on a roll There's nothing like going on a roll until you're in it

Like there's a guy I used to train with that went on a fucking three-month roll Listen, that may never happen to him again, or he may stay like this for a long time But going on a roll is shooting a job taking a week off shooting another job Taking a week off shooting job that it starts to be a week at a job every week Like I booked four national commercials four weeks in a row three three three Three weeks in a row on a Thursday I shot a national commercial. Wow, that is crazy for me. That's crazy, but Excuse me. I was very lucky

There's people in Hollywood that shoot a commercial every week and you see them you guys that watch tv See these people They're the same commercial actors and everything they shoot every week, bro Because let me tell you something you shoot every week because I have to shit you shoot don't get picked up That's just scary I mean it's scary just to thinking about how much time and And money is spent on things that people will never see Like that's another thing that must like we always talk about people who left

But like I don't think we we consider like Like how terrible some things must be to deal with Like like can you man like I know bill Burr had a show canceled. He left and came back but Like that that that like there must be things that happen He'll throw out your career that much make you want to go home Nothing makes you really want to go home if this is what You really want to do I mean, do you know what I'm saying? If that's what you really want to do

You you know the process You know the deal you've heard the fucking stories This isn't something that you know just came to you This is part of the process You just don't take your ball and go home when it starts raining You just don't take your ball and go home You wait for the rain to fucking end you're going through a bad streak And unless you listen unless you're getting blown

By fucking people on a peep show for two dollars a night Unless they're torturing in korea town Or something like that and you're sucking fucking Japanese dick in korea town. It's not that bad here There's always an existence here. I don't give a fuck what you tell me There's always a job somewhere that you could be a fucking bus boy And somebody's always got a couch in this town You know why because I did it for the first four or five years. I was here

Thank god for people like Ralphie May and Josh Wolf And others that let me fucking you know Go fucking hand to mouth on a daily basis. But let me tell you something. I never sat there all day either I always hustled brother I always dropped off an envelope. I was always somewhere trying to write a joke And I was on stage every fucking night I didn't have a child. I really had a I had a girlfriend sometimes I had no responsibility And I didn't want a responsibility. I did comedy for a living

And that's how I thought that was my that was my brain. I didn't care about holidays I didn't care about new years. I didn't care about seeing people. I sacrificed that part of my life For years to do comedy You know, I would call the store in those days Sunday to Sunday These last two weeks I would get spots seven nights a week At the store, you know, I was always at the store But I wouldn't get to the store till midnight. So what are you gonna do till midnight? Say, yeah, how's your fall asleep? So I would go to willy bar center's rooms and all those rooms

And just sharpen up fly and you know, and there's still those rooms out there Those rooms are there. I just not a hip to it because they don't fall no more because You know, I'm not gonna go to one of those fucking shooting my rooms no more Unless it's like a friend of mine who I really trust and like I go out a lot during the week I know about all those rooms. I mean, I'm doing those spots and you know, there's just uh There's just something, you know, like, uh, I probably shouldn't feel this way But like, you know, you're going like twitter or something or instagram You start seeing like everything for the night before just like you just feel like I'm missing out on stuff

You know, there's always comics that are doing something that are better than me, you know, I mean So I don't know. I feel like I've hit a a wall here where like People know me but they don't You know, I occasionally get spots at the store. They're giving me like once a month and now like not anymore And uh, so I I mean, I just like you said, I think that I have to go through the back door now I've hit a point where It's like I gotta switch. I gotta switch something up. I gotta go in another way Let's talk about the back door was Tony Bennett

Oh I want to be around To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart Exactly Some somebody twice as smart As I What's that? Oh, there's two right here

Will swear to be true as you used to do with me We Let me get some shout outs here to some beautiful fucking people Dante gazini Ali bars Baker X Rockdad Adam UK Montel bamboo Tony Romero Christian Sherman

And Megan seven one five One of my fucking favorites you sexy savage. Anyway Next thing you know, you're fucking doing two the fucking four for calling somebody sexy savage Because it's a fucking federal if it's to call somebody sexy savage on the podcast The back door isn't interesting because it took me About four years to realize They hated me at every level They just hated me

Everybody passed on me. There was a rare glimpse that cAA In 1999 wanted to fucking sign me For comedy that was really developed me. There was a rare that it went away It went away because I had a pitch and the pitch was okay until HBO said no, we don't We're not gonna do that. We're going into the holiday. So The guy from cAA liked me until that went away. That was what happened But at that time I realized Montreal wasn't gonna the dirty show that was all bullshit. They were not gonna give me a shot So I was like, what the fuck am I gonna do?

And I was sick and tired of going to movies Just like stand up You one day, you know one day you go to you keep going to your local club And they're booking these fucking morons and one day you just go fuck this I'm gonna disappear for a month And I'm gonna get really good and come back and rock them. That's exactly what you do Yeah, and now you get work there. But the same thing happens with stand-up How do you become a stand-up? You're watching tv and you go, what the fuck? I'm funny in this fucking asshole

and that's it but What acting the same thing happens how many times are you in a movie and you go, what is that? I could have done this wrong. Yep. Yeah, like I was pissed watching analyze this The first one I went on a date And I remember her asking me like after an hour, what are you? Why does that look on your face? And I was like, no, no, nothing the lights bothered me or whatever I was just angry because I was living here. I didn't know about any of this shit

Yeah, like I was pissed about it. And let me tell you what else uncle Joey did But I think I mentioned on the podcast one time I had this goofy manager Goofy goofy Good dude though. Good dude solid. I still talked to him I wasn't with him at this time. I was a Jeff Gellin And I'm in New York City And I'm just doing like rascals. I'm doing the old governors

When it was a fucking armpit This is 98 99 I'm doing uh Jesus Christ. I'm doing like shit gigs for roger paul You know one nighters and stuff And uh I was I was up with loops And I'm in jersey. I'm eating chinese food on there for like four days

And I go into the city and I drop off A tape for something some tv show That gellin told me to and he called me the next day and he goes you ever another reel and I go yeah And I dropped it off at some other place And then one day Guess who fucking calls me my old manager He goes hey man I just got off the phone with this lady

She wants you to drop a tape off For this new show the sopranos I go, what is it about singers about opera singers and she goes I really don't know I think it's something to do with the mafia or something like that and that's a tape I didn't drop off But you know what what difference would I have made you know I had book shit. I hadn't book shit like that before I didn't really know the variables are going in there later on I went in for the sopranos but at that time

but The first thing I did was I'll never forget I was in a fucking hotel room in dallas, texas And it was sunday morning And I was on fire I was on fire I was at the store every fucking night with Joe Rogan and Eddie Griffin and Andrew Dice clay and paul mooney

And duck stanhope and it just got me sharp like I had been on the road for nine months You know, I went on the road and I left him 99 and came back in 2000 I used to be one of those assholes There was a big shoot out here people if you hear sirens and helicopters We heard about what eight or nine fucking gunfights here. So You know, I don't know by the train they could have been by the train station. So It was a fucking weak dog when I went to dallas and I don't want to say that line I was working with but I was fucking burying him

I was just burying them guys And it was getting obvious It was starting to get obvious It was starting to get and all I had was like 35. Did any part of you think about turning it down? Not even close This was dallas texas And I was going on there before this guy just buried him But I was doing blow

I was eating like a savage, you know, I didn't really give a fuck I never forget waking up in a hotel room that sunday morning All those like I woke up like from the coke a little pissed off And I'm like, I can't believe I'm here taking orders from this fucking mutt He's probably getting three grand for the week and here I am getting the small fucking 750 You know with no fucking plane ticket And I got to stay and do an extra show on sunday for the handicap or something like that It's some fucking, you know some bullshit

You know, you like wonder what the fuck is my career going? I mean, I'm very fortunate to have this feature work But this is bullshit. I can be fucking knocking them out of the park He ain't doing nothing special. Ain't nobody coming to see him. Yeah, nobody coming to see this fucking fool, you know It's not like he's a headliner. No, and he was a headliner. Yeah, nobody was gonna see him And he's getting 15 and you're getting five 500 and they barely want to give me that I'll never forget I came home and I borrowed 500 bucks from josh. Well Like a thou like 500 bucks And I went to the soup place

Hollywood to know that I got three suits for 200 bucks And I went to a van a chopper can sign up for acting classes And I gave her the rest of the money And I said i'm not going on the road. I'm just gonna take acting classes And I went to acting class. This is how I did the back way if you really want to know I went to acting classes and I still did stand up at night But I focused heavy on what they were talking about And again

I started talking to people in acting classes And here these people paying 200 miles a month Times three because they're going to three different things a month for classes for training And they're not even working They're being told they're not even perfect for work and i'm looking at these guys going Are these fucking kids serious? Like i'm telling you you're paying me money And i'm telling you diagostino and you're leaving you're not ready to go to work on film and tv

I'm like i'm appalled So even though I was on a van a chopper the first two or three weeks I was doing good scenes like my first scene was a scene from Carlito's way When the attorney goes to see the mobster when sean penn Goes to see the mobster how to play the mobster And they don't want you to say it they want you to say verbatim But they want you to be your own character

And I remember when I got off that fucking stage dog those people in there were shaking my hand like I was fucking Hemingway Like I was some fucking tremendous actor. I was just a dirty comic I didn't know nothing about fucking acting and right there. I'm like wait a second And that's what I heard They're shooting analyze two I'd gone for an audition for some fucking movie And This is how it started I went for an audition

For some fucking movie that I was not right for as I was reading the line I kept thinking about that dude the mexican dude that started in in net Narcos the first season you the chubby dude with the hat lewis Oh lewis go miss lewis no No Whatever this fuck I was on this pilot. I shot this pilot

Guzman lewis guzman. I shot his pilot for fox But as I was reading for this movie I could read lewis guzman. I'm like this is lewis guzman's role Why am I wasting my time? And at the end of the read the lady said That was a good read, but you're not right for this role. I go. Thank god. You thought the same way. This is for a Mexican person And she goes, yeah, she goes, but you're gonna be right for my next movie And I go watch your next movie because I analyze that part too That was it. I go. So what do I need to be in that?

And she goes stay in touch with me Send me anything you work on Anything you book sent me a copy of the tape I was like you got it And I went to work jack and I booked a mafia thing a game mafia thing And I booked that and I took the clip from that immediately And sent that overturn and I booked something else. Is that when you play the key guy? Yeah, you guys are bearing the body in the cemetery. That's fucking funny. I booked some other I booked something else that was mafia themed

And I got a copy of the senator immediately And then I got the call one day bam You're auditioning for analyze that but in new york Doug I couldn't get the fucking san jose I didn't have a dime to get the fucking new york when you go to new york to audition. Yeah And there's no flight. I can put a gig together when I was there to make 100 bucks at rascals, but not enough to cover my fucking hair fair Or make me a millionaire or not like that and how to sleep on somebody's floor

you know So a friend of mine from the old days reached out and he goes I got a plane ticket for you I'm fucking frontier at lines one of those fucking ally lines You gotta stop in Denver and they chase your luggage over by the time I got to new york. They lost my luggage I had to go buy a warm-up suit and sneakers. They didn't do like audition tapes back then No, you had to show up to book these movies And then you they wanted you to stay to talk to the director

Because you're not getting fucking booked in this movie until you talk to the director So you were like hi, you were like at least being considered then at this level, right? They're not gonna fly I'm not gonna tell 30 people to fly in New York. No There was no I wouldn't tape it An opportunity like that. I wouldn't tape it. I want to be in the fucking room I don't think a lot of people were fly. I want to know. I want to make sure That if I don't get this I didn't get this because it was me I don't want to get this because I sent the tape. I want them to meet me. I want them to see me walk into the room

I want them to see my patois, my je ne sais quoi. You know what I'm saying? As they say in fucking France So that was my big thing Where did you learn that like things like I want them to see me walk in like where did you Just think about it. Just think about that. Think about that Think about that. Well, what do I get? What essence do I get from watching you on tape? No, yeah for sure. Yeah It's probably cut down by at least half if not more But little things like I want them to get my presents and how can I even though you make a fantastic fucking stand-up

HBO hour special How can I really book you for a? 30 million dollar fee no 85 million dollar feature next to wil smith Without making you come in You're gonna send me a tape to encourage me to make you come in That's the that's the tape you sent to me for me to go. Okay. Make him come in and read But most people that reside in new york were going for that audition, right? You just went because she liked you for that. Yeah. Yeah

It's important to stay in touch like do you think a lot of actors Have been in that situation and then just didn't send her anything The the if you go to my email old The last two pages is old casting directors. I've kept in touch with over the years Like they all got them every christmas and shit from me this lag like even though I haven't seen them Over the years you develop relationship to these casting people but back to the agostino situation So that's once I went to acting class the agostino Yeah, I learned a little bit how to act but I didn't go into the learn how to act

I learned how to get work as an actor Again, I wanted to see what they were doing You know, you go behind the comedy store or any comedy club in any country There's a circle of kids comics And they talk about what they're gonna do and how they're gonna do it and you go back that 10 years later still They talked about it. Yeah, I just auditioned for ask me. You're like, that's great You know keep sending tapes and shit because You did it you didn't sit there and talk about it

And when you go to acting classes in hollywood Like I had this at this point I had been to maybe two acting classes a vana chubbock is considered a high level There's her and leslie kahn They're considered high level. There's a few others that have popped up over the years In fact, somebody sent you a link to one lady at that And it was intensive of acting or whatever But I went to a vana chubbock to begin a class and

That's what I went to do. I didn't go to learn how to act I went to talk to these other fucking kids To see if they were working and guess what? None of them were working They were all petrified. I was stepping out of that fucking cupid zone of the acting class And I'll never forget being at a party One night and sitting at a bar coked up And there was a guy and another guy and a chick talking

And the guy goes so what's going on with you and he goes well Tomorrow We're doing the scene from rain man and acting class And they were so excited Like really an acting class. Oh my god. That's so thrilling I hope the teacher out. She really sees you for what you want. I'm sitting there going. Oh my god So they become career acting class people They just pay the 275 a month

They go down there They do the acting classes and they buy into it that they're letting the method and the whole thing Meanwhile, I'm seeing this and I find out about the breakdowns I find out about the breakdowns And I go, okay So you look at the breakdowns. It's the same thing as anything else. You see your job. You think you're perfect for Get the address get that fucking phone number Go down there drop the fucking package off and call them an hour later

And ask them if they want to see you if they liked when you drop off or if they want to see tape I always created the opportunity to go back there You forgot something Don't give them everything Give them one piece at a time If you bring the tape in your resume That's it. They don't need to see you again. But if you bring your resume here, look at you know, what happened to your tape I didn't know you wanted one

Well, come back with a tape. Boom. Even though he's mad at you You're gonna come back and guess what's gonna happen. You're gonna come back. He's not gonna be there But his assistant's gonna be there and she knows you from the barbecue joint when you do comedy then she always thinks you're cute and shit So guess what? You just got no addition Because you forced yourself to go back there a second time. It's all numbers. How many times when it comes to acting It's a complete different animal It's how many times they see you before that audition But guess what if you see something or you hear something

That you're right for you really got to raise your hand and attack in the acting world because they're not gonna find you They're not gonna find you your manager and your agent are gonna get you in for so much I know for a fact for me When it came to acting I hustled 60 of those jobs I still remember booking cold case out of the computer Cold case I booked from the fucking computer At that time it was on show fax

Whatever that is that it's a it's a thing for actors. I'm still on there now. I haven't paid in a while But I'm still on there like those casting websites that you might be right for this if you pay $69 a month $69 a year In those days I got it for the whole year and you'd fucking submit from there And let me tell you something There was a movie I booked from there I got fired from But I got the money anyway, and there was that

For sure that I remember and there was cold case on cbs The episode of disco inferno. Yeah, I booked that from the computer. How many uh Work do you think actually gets generated generated from sites like that? Do you think people actually get work like that or you just got lucky a couple times? Do you think that's kind of just like bullshit and people don't really get stuff out of that? I think that casting assistants look into that. They don't really look at it like very thoroughly They skim through it And they go look at your resume and show like that really fast

By that point I was getting uh jobs already, you know what I'm saying, so But no you always have to do you always have to but acting at scamming It's always going back. Oh, you don't want you don't want me to bring your tape you ever go to the comedy club Yeah, I'll swing by and drop off four tickets for the comedy store Vinny Curdo who I speak about on the podcast where I had on the church When I first moved here, I bumped into him at the comedy store And he said he had a role for me in one of his movies

I just met the guy I had seen him on Miami Vice. I saw him in a movie known named 29th street And he impressed me and he was very nice to me. He was half Cuban Which is very sweet and I bumped into one other time He gave me the address of who to send the package to for acting And uh I put together a package what I had that day I had been I hadn't been I had been on the CBS pilot and that was it And I had done like everything else in that resume was bullshit except for the comedy work

Everything else was fucking minor league shit I dropped off the package no real headshot resume buyer And I dropped it off two three weeks. I didn't hear nothing So at this time I had gotten into a system to send shit out and drop stuff off Monday and Tuesday were my heavy days So that meant sunday night after I emcee at the store till about one or twelve

Even when I was snorting blow I would still go home Snort blow drink alcohol and lick envelopes And get them ready for the next couple days There were some envelopes you could send out and there were some envelopes you had to deliver on hand by mono to mono To really get the most out of your quality because you want the casting assistant to see See these casting assistants are young And guess what they do at night They go to comedy clubs

They can't come up to you and say hello because who wants to talk to a casting assistant Who the fuck are you you'll talk to them once or twice? But guess what they'll recognize you and they'll go oh my god I just saw you last week at the pink pussy cat And you're like you go to the pink pussy cat. Yeah They don't want to go to the comedy store the improv. They want to be a little different So they go to the alternative places And they come next thing, you know, you have no addition, bro

You know, the weirdest thing ever was when I had I went in for the What is that the machinist? What was the show I did? the sheet is show The mentalist yes Why did the mentalist I went to the audition the first day and there was fucking 80 people in the room I'm like, I'm not gonna get this but I took a picture with steven by when he retweeted And that night I had a message from the fucking author of the book What role do you want?

Well, I said this one the next day they called me and offered me the role It's interesting. It's bro. You never know how you're gonna pop a roll everything works that way But if you're not involved like I shouldn't like There would have been a time when I would have gone to the audition looked in that room and cracked a left And then the drive would have realized what a big fucking mistake. I meant because I had nothing else to do And I was gonna get a chance to talk to people and find out about different shit because that's what audition is

Audition you know people always go to you. Well, you have to go to bars The fucking number one place to find out about jobs is at auditions When you see other working actors They're not there because they're fucking taking acting classes Buying into fucking Scientology. No No They're there because they told those people to fuck go fuck themselves

They're working And these people banging out That commercial life is fucking rough You know, you're right if I but I don't know. I don't know how busy in this the Agostino I really don't try I'm not gonna take a quit your job At one point if it's that busy you just go I'm quitting because I can live off this It's a weird thing. It's just a very fucking weird occupation I was just watching some football on sunday and I saw this open micro that I kind of came up with on a fucking home depot commercial

It's insane. I'm like, I just see you in a home depot commercial. He's like, yeah He just started he just started going out for him. Just got it. That's how it is because they like new faces They like new blood. Mm-hmm. Everybody they see they know they've seen these people once a week But they gotta see and they trust you and they don't know what the producer wants Listen, unless you go Commercial editions people get mad at them and I gotta tell you some now in hindsight. I miss not going for them Because me at this age I probably go for four a year But I'd be so fucking excited

When I'm driving to ocean drive because I know exactly what I go eat I know exactly where the park, you know, I've been doing it for years You're not a newbie when you go to like four a year. You think you'd book one a year Yeah, if I go to four commercial editions, it's gonna be for The usual suspects a pizza guy a mafia dude a fucking something, you know And I call I spoke to Lawrence a few weeks ago. We're trying to work on something But yeah, I'm thinking of going back out for commercial editions because it's fundamentals You learn how to go back to fucking it's a different type of acting your mind works differently

Like I always tell people when I go from mobster roles from movies and tv I wear a black or dark shirt For commercials. I wear a white shirt What's the what's the point of that? commercials your commercial has to run in Iowa The same way as it has to run in new york city A lot of times you have to paint the picture for the director I don't want you to go for commercials, especially

I don't want you to go in that dress like the guy to the tee I want you to wear something that camouflages what you're really wearing Like you see that shirt right there. You have on the most distinguishing thing about that shirt of the strings When I went in for baseball, I wore a shirt with strings Because it signifies a whistle around your neck. Uh That's what it looks like sometimes appearances Just make it seem like what they are you go for a maintenance man on the way to dress like a maintenance man Wear a gray shirt. Hmm. Don't wear your name

Just let them know how you look on his shirt. That's tailing as opposed to you going in for baseball with an actual whistle around your neck That just there you go. There you go. Yeah, there you go Those motherfuckers never get dick See those guys in there. I always see them guys You go for commercial editions that dress like a big thing at the chef hat. Yeah, don't do that. Don't do that Don't do that. I don't give a fuck what the fucking agent tells you like the agent will call you go by the way They want you to wear a chef hat. Great. I ain't wearing no fucking chef hat. I'll wear a baseball hat. That's white What if they say they want you to wear a white shirt today?

Will you go and wear in it not a white shirt so to stand out or not? Whatever, just fucking wear a white shirt. I'll I'll see what the role is who the people are and what the situation is There's always I got this audition when I was out I would have had to go all the way up to the valley. I would have never made it back. Okay, no worries Do you understand me? Slip the auditions in Santa Monica. You had to go all the way back up the woodland hills to get a white shirt Unless you want me to go buy a white shirt and you always do have a white shirt in the car Yeah, sometimes you want to mess with that head too

In a different way So you wear white in commercials and then why do you wear black in for movies? Because movies are more realistic That was my strategy always commercials are fucking more for the national people This is you know, you I can't scare people in Iowa With these fucking commercials these commercials. I'm trying to make you like me and the product So I would go always going in a white shirt now it always booked those Everybody who went in there with a black shirt wouldn't book it

Those are the little things I want because after you go to acting class It's going to take you to six months to 18 months to learn the ropes of auditioning to put all the pieces together All the components that you have to reach for You have to use a little bit of your stand-up shit at night, but I can't tell you what it is This is what acting coaches don't tell you. Yeah, especially when you're a stand-up comic What I want you to do is separate yourself from the comedian d'agostino, but I still want you to be there So separate yourself from the comedian And you're still there in that room. It's still the same stuff as stand-up. You ever see the movie

What's the word with the name or with Pacino and the black kid that he plays football Uh I think it's a hand-given thunder. No, what is it? I don't know You guys are terrible Little placements, it's about football or yeah, let us uh lower his tail there I was right any given Sunday any given Sunday There's a thing. I'm gonna be giving Sunday. I know we just stuck with me And I figured that out with acting especially the stand-up comic

There's a scene where you go listen forget about what's going on clean your mind I want you to think about being a kid Being in front of your mom this house It's five to five your mom yells out Honey come on in we're eating dinner. You got one more play You have a lot before you do the play It's the same thing as usual run to the Cadillac and cut left and you score This is the same thing when you're playing pro football just in a smaller level

So it's stand-up stand-up is acting A very close You're not going to go in and do your own material You're going to stick to the script, but what you're going to borrow from stand-up Is the bravado The fucking You know, you're a stand-up so psychologically I could do this with my eyes closed So you have to bring that type of if they see

A casting agent is just like anything else if they see blood They're gonna know you're weak So you got to walk in there with the stand-up type of bravado That everybody knows when you walk in they know you're a fucking real stand-up comic Your timing is on and you go in there. You can improvise you listen to the director That's every director is going to make you do something different even if you're doing it right You know what he wants to make sure that you listen He wants to make sure you can be directed

So when you go in those rooms of the right you do it right and the director goes do me a favor do it again But at the end jump up and down And then you jump up and down on the way home. You go. Why do you make me jump up and down? He wanted to see if you could follow the direction. They actually will do stuff like that. Yeah, they have to see if you're gonna be easy to work with They have dead tricks and you have to have yours It's very interesting what I learned those years it made me a fucking animal It made me an animal I've always felt that a stand-up comic can get into acting easier

Eat look at them look at that any one look at them Rappers get in it stand-up comics get in it But I don't think actors can get into stand-up comedy is as easy. No. No, they try It's it's this is a process brother I want people at home to understand this always This is a fucking process We brought up a great point at the beginning of the podcast That you know, I've seen people headline 18 months and brag about it

and I'm happy for them But I know that any night they're about to get fucking doomed any night and it's such a beating that you get Lee That's some of those headline. I'm a headline of beatings. I'm tough to recover from At this point as a headliner as terrible as this might sound Do you look forward to those people getting those beatings? Yes Yes, I cheer for them to get beatings because This is what's going to snap them out of it

This is what needs to make them quit Or make you a stand-up comic. Oh my god I still remember covering for jimmy shuber and jacksonville At that hotel down there for five nights And I ate dick every fucking show as I had one I had no idea what I was doing. I still have nightmares of that audience

Just staring at me Just waking up in the middle of the night To a bunch of fucking white people. Do you remember specific faces? Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, I still remember that night. I remember my bad bombs. They stick with you like heavily. It's psychological Like a funny painting picture in your head It was it was a wednesday thursday friday saturday friday was great because it was all you can eat seafood tonight So you do your set real quick before you started shitting blood on stage Before you had brown leakage on your pants right on stage

They gave you those crabs from neptune, new jersey that had like barge oil on them from the fucking 60s I haven't heard of neptune neptune, new jersey The whole the fucking jack Nicholson anyway, why are you taking me on the jack Nicholson? Is it really? I think so. Who the fuck knows? I'm as high as fuck. I don't know nothing. Really? I'm saying yeah These stars these fucking things put you in limbo and then you mix them with stars and this fucking reef of this You want a cookie? Not right now

I don't be cookies on camera. You know what I'm saying? He knows how many points those are. He's like, oh my god There's actually points put together Sorry, she cooks healthy Yeah, yeah, she'll put like Half the powder Half the sugar half the butter whatever they fucking put in those things So the first thing on your plan is you're still going to do four spots a week. Yeah, so that's 16 spots a month So that's fucking uh 10 spots is 160

And then you got so you end the month out. You're in the year out with 192, which isn't bad And you're a writer so you'll try new shit in between. You're also going to try to book two commercials And try to get a commercial agent which is going to be a three month task Or it could be a two day task. Hmm It's up to you. You got to go down on Sam your friends and get the commercial. I know a couple agents that'll sign you and they'll get you out Hmm, they'll get you the fuck out And that's what you want. You want to go out till you get comfortable

The more you go out the better you get just like being on stage. Yeah, it's just like being on stage And that's the back door that I took. I was still at the story like banging out with those gorillas But at the daytime I was auditioning for anything and everything Anything and everything And then, you know, I would raise the stakes from time to time And I would go all the way to the end and I get it. But hey, at least I was in the mix I was in the mix for a ton of shit Ton of shit that I could have gone home and cried and taken my ball home

And said fuck those motherfuckers. You gotta be a Scientologist to work But I knew that the more nose I got I was getting closer I knew there was a lot of shit and after the Sopranos they were making a lot of shit And they were looking for guys like me So I knew I was gonna get through. I went out every couple days. I went out for something They were throwing shit at me all the time And there was a lot of stuff I turned down. I just wanted for the audition for practice

I bought a book called audition I think, you know, that's the first thing I read when I moved here You buy that at Samuel French It helped me to a degree But the thing that pushed me over the top Was doing storytelling on stage From going to a desperate stand-up comedian Because you're desperate for laughs as a stand-up

But the biggest bridge to cross Is when you tame the audience And tell a story It's a different type of patience And a lot of comics can't take it. That's a lot of silence for a punch line That's a lot of silence for a long For a payout. So a lot of people fall in the cracker They they spin right out into a joke and now they destroyed the whole thing because people smell their fear

So it's it's that's what really taught me how to audition While I was up there telling the story I said, oh shit. Look what I'm doing I'm auditioning It's the same fucking thing. It's three minutes. When I go in those rooms. I'm doing a fucking three-minute bit for these people And I remember going in for a thousand things that were one line And I would get so pissed. Yeah, I guess Dana hold the elevator

Excuse me. Is this Broadway that type of shit and I would leave there frustrated I went in for 20 of those motherfuckers That I would walk out and just throw the audition in the garbage as I was walking out Because I knew I was never gonna see these people is the audition like 10 seconds 10 seconds Hi, Lee. Thank you for coming down. Okay. Do you know the line? Yes, I do slave for the camera, please How tall are you? How much do you weigh? Are you a vegan? Okay. Thank you. Let's do this. Stand right there. Lee. Are you ready?

Hi, is this the elevator? That was tremendous. Thank you for coming down You just drove an hour That's not taking two hours to drive back But those two hours is where you sit in there And learn how to put that audition together next time And so it took me like a year of those to get so fucking frustrated And one day one night I was high on coke And I went in my fold and I took out one of those one line auditions

And I go, what can I do to this to make it? Because at this I want time My objective is time in that room When you go to those auditions and you sit outside the audition And you see people walk in and walk out and they're in there you go My objective is not to book this my objective is to sit there longer than these fools What do I have to do? To even if I make a mistake

Going in there and I adjust to play with her head so she calls me how to direct it. I'm still longer in there than these fools So I would take a line and cut it in half and turn it into two lines And that's when I started booking Because it would make me hold me in there longer And game of numbers I would do what nobody else was doing with that line And my goal was to sit there as long as possible To hold the scene as long as possible

So instead of you running at me going hey stop Don't shoot or whatever the fuck I'll shoot I would see you running and I go hey Come back Stop I'll shoot I would break it into four breaths Even if she didn't fucking like it. I don't give a fuck

It kept me in there and I was different than saying that same fucking line And that's when I started booking shit Then I conquered the one line auditions. Okay, that's costar But then you had no additions that were costars that were two or three lines That was my next move to get up to that costar boom And then the next thing is guest star Then you got to get one of those you got to write it out I want to be in one guest star episode and you go in for 30 guest stars before you book one

They're the hardest ones because they're the ones that give the movie stars But then one day bro you book a guest star and you're like oh shit Oh remember spider-man I had one line dog Right I had one line spider-man. Yeah, but I flew off the fucking floor I landed on the couch my hat flew off You know, I gave him nothing but heart in that audition. I didn't just go Don't move me. Whatever the fuck the line was. Yeah, I said something and then paused and said it again And then flew fucking backwards

You want to get to him? You got to go through me. I think it was bad. Yeah So even for that I got that shit And then I vowed I got taxi and I got a model log and I got analyze this And I got a little model log in the beginning and then bam I got the longest shard now like I got all these movies that opened up on me with credits going through me Fuck that. I gotta get out of that thing. Did you notice that helped you and stand up at all? What's that booked more? Because you're all of a sudden you're making appearances in these movies. Well, I'll tell you what happens

And I tell people this that's very important and a lot of comics look at me like I'm fucking crazy The most important thing is to let people know to send a message Is when they see you on tv That's the bottom line. That means dockets So that club on that didn't like you before Now doesn't want to be on the bad side of you in case you do blow up So now you will get emcee spots in there And guess what if you're nice and you do a good job and I recommend you you'll start fucking feature

How important is it do you think to have a manager or an agent for stand-up? Okay, at my point I'm like nine years in now. Okay You have to look at what you're making And you have to be realistic with yourself What is he gonna make from my comedy salary? Okay How is he gonna make a living off me if I gave somebody 10% of my comedy salary Would I if joey d's gave me 10% of his comedy salary?

Would I fucking would you even take the time to call me back? You make a 500 at a club maybe he gets 50 fucking dollars. What's 50 what I was gonna do for him? Then why do it? So, but isn't the idea that he's gonna get you more work? Well, if the here's the here's the thing And I just saw it happen with two two friends of mine They went with comics that had comics that were huge And you're sitting there waiting for

Something to fall off the big tree And nothing falls off the big tree and I'll tell you why Because lee leaves my number three client. I book lee on the road for the weekends for 30 g's a weekend So digistino what you want me to do is hang up with one of these clubs And call a club that you're gonna feature at For 500 fucking dollars so you get 50 dollar commission. That's what you're telling me I just closed the deal for fucking lee For 24 grand and he gets a five grand bonus if he sells out

And you want me to call fucking Cottondale comedy club and fucking Cottondale, New Jersey and book you for a feature act for louis the wild frog It's a tough mentality For a comic to even think yeah, he's gonna help me They don't make a few calls for you and then call you one day and go bro. I'm too busy with lee So you have to see where you're at Because at the end of the day is

Again the envelope. Yep. How much are you gonna bring to the fucking table? So for stand-up, he's as soon as not really a point to have manager and agent and tell you you're someone to sell Absolutely and get work on your own. So you always know how to get work on your own That's the most important thing that if the a lot I see a ton of people That'll go bro. How come you go out so much? I got an agent. I don't go out. I got an agent to manage it Well, this is the problem that you sit at home and wait for the phone to ring Even though you have a manager and agent You still have to create your own shit

So they can make the call for you You have to give them a reason you have to create a hailstorm So you got to be doing something at all times a short film Even if it's for free. Mm-hmm. You're always doing something a podcast A short film you're fucking helping your friends write a fucking one-man show And you're gonna co-direct it you look at me like Joey. What the fuck does that do and don't do dick, but It lets people know that you're working It might take it might somebody who doesn't give you work today

Doesn't mean dick that person's gonna give you work in five years Even though now you've called them ten times and he won't return your calls It's fucking crazy, but at the end of the week, it's about money. That's the bottom line Everybody wants to say they have managers and agents. Yeah, you have some agents that put you on this and put you on that But it all depends on your heat. I've seen a lot of comics in this town That have signed with managers that are too big for them They get frustrated the guy hasn't called me back. Sure. He's fucking Andrew dice clays managing his manager. He's gonna call you back to get you a weekend of the boys. Yeah, I know funny about

I'm happy that you're still doing it. I'm happy that you still part of the little writing team And uh, if I have dates this year that I could take you on I always take you on you're a A real up and coming like I said me and my little younger agent was speaking about you And I've always respected your writing So let me know what you want this year You want to book a commercial Yeah, I want to start breaking into the acting a little bit. You want to write material want to write material I want to keep my at least four spots a week. Um

I want my podcast to be doing a lot better Where do you go on tuesday nights? um tuesday Not really anywhere to go on tuesday I mean, I'll usually go to like to the main clubs and just have to show my face in there Maybe tomorrow night. We'll go to the fourth wall. It should be open by the moment. I'm down for that. It's open. It's open They started up again on the 29th. Did they? Okay. Maybe we'll go over there tonight

And tell them who you running with lisa. Yeah You still go there. Lee. I haven't they've been clothes. They were clothes for for the holiday. Yeah One of them when I was here. Yeah, you go up when you go there. Yeah. Yeah, you like it Yeah, I mean, I'm only gonna think I've gone out there like Four three or four times maybe five times. I've been up there before I'm gonna go on there tomorrow night, baby. Yeah, let's go. She was crack. I like him But no, I'm happy you had time to come on the show. Thank you for having me goals are important in common And and a lot of people don't realize you have to know what you're going for

If not, you're spinning your fucking wheels every year and you're in the same place you were a year ago You have to look at the year later and go, okay Well, my goals this year and look at them and go look at this. I went for three fucking guest stars, but I got two of them I went for three commercials, but I got two of them. Why did I do it? I went to acting class one night a week and like I said Listen, bro, everybody wants to go listen. Well, this guy was buffy the vampire slays acting coach Who gives a fuck?

Give me a guy that knows how to break down acting scene for 90 dollars a month Tuesday nights from seven to ten I could care less all you're looking for It's two or three months acting class. Just to realize what these guys aren't doing So now you do that. So now you're always busy as a comic You're working that night. You're dropping off envelopes in the daytime And what you're doing is it's like a positive energy fucking magnet You're creating your own thing because you're you're going to places and dropping off these envelopes. Something has to happen

Something has to happen And you'll go drop an envelope off hoping for this role in this call But you dropped an envelope off two weeks ago that now they're casting that you forgot about and now they call you You go Jesus Christ If I would have sat at home. I would have never got the condition It's uh, it's a hustle and now you're covering two bases You're covering the back door and you're still working on the front door Thank you for coming on tonight. Thank you for having me. How you doing there?

Morta morta I'm mourning it up. I'm doing good, buddy. Look at the shape of your eyeballs or as red as your shirt Oh, yeah, I love it a fucking coke shirt ready to shit these empty. No, no, that's still good Leave those dad. I don't even touch them Don't even touch them. They'll fuck your fingernails up Speaking of fingernails Let me talk to you people about something Does your business have any new year resolutions?

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Zipper crew to calm slash church the smart way To find someone to hire number two Listen don't embarrass me But don't make me not say it It's a new year you want to you want to date you want to go on match.com and christian mingle That's all nice. You got a nice car But you know what when you take your pants off or them to suck your dick

They could smell their asshole by the time you by the time you buckle your pants They could smell that rot developing in your asshole Because you didn't stop home and take a shower and wash that muffler. You think it's cute to fucking leave the house at seven Taking two shits at work And then walk around with that death debt All day why why do you do this to yourself? Uncle joey's here to help you out? You know why i'm bringing you a portable bidet You're like uncle joey. What's that a bidet?

It's portable your statue you're attaching right to your toilet And every time you take a fucking shit you press a button hot water hits your ass And you don't have to touch you don't have to waste toilet paper Fucking disgusting. They kill 20 trees for you to wipe one fucking time. Those days are done. We're back, baby Go to hello tushy.com right now Impressing church your 10% off. Let me tell you something. They got fucking bidets of every color They'll match your bathroom decor in one way or another. You understand me Speaking about decor you have decor and you'll be walking around with a clean fucking asshole

To start the new year off. Nope. Listen. That's the number one thing You gotta keep your mouth for clean go to hello tushy.com and use code church And get 10% off your order. Let me tell you something. You got a 60 day money back guarantee If something happens, listen, i've had mine for two years Lee's had it for two years if we haven't broken it with our fat ass You won't either hello tushy.com I See your motherfuckers Wednesday night tip top magoo ready a rock and roll

I want to wish a lot of luck to the agustina. I hump them any way I can thank you and my main man the fucking Christ killer for getting the night off correctly We ate some fucking tremendous edibles and went deep for your people tonight on a full moon here in california Yeah, stay black. We'll see you month wednesday. I love you motherfuckers. Don't forget Sorry about the ice houses sold out saturday night, but we'll see you january 18th austin texas bitches. What? Cap city comedy club get your tickets now Before they fucking go quick as I don't you know, i'm not going out that much this year So I don't think that I love I love fucking austin. You know me. I make my fucking bi-yearly

Appearance, what the fuck is every other year and i'm coming down heavy. That's all you need to know January 18 ready a fucking rock and eat gumbo with fucking Katrina fingernails in and I'll see you motherfuckers then I have a great fucking two days And we'll talk to you thursday morning. Stay black Kick that fucking mule Oh Now it's too late for me

Yeah Back to the heart Oh Yeah