Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #551 - Jim Florentine

Episode Date: January 18, 2018

jim Florentine, Comedian, host of the "Comedy Metal Midgets" podcast and the author of the new book "Everybody is Awful (Except You!)," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first three meals for free (a $30 value) and free shipping!   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 01/16/2018.

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Check out this week's menu and get your $30 off with free shipping at Blue Apron dot com Slash Joey Blue Apron a better place a better way to cook number two. Listen the year starting off I'm sure you got what do you call those things that you make everybody makes those things resolutions resolutions number one Resolution on your fucking list Which should be I'm gonna keep my asshole clean this year just in case a chick falls out of a fucking bush Rips my pants off and sticks a tongue up my ass that might happen that might not happen But just in case that's why you got to have a hello tushy portable bidet Why leave the house without bidet in that fucking muffler of yours which smells like Billy go juice and

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You could even take it with you to go you could just go from place to place Put the bidet on take a shit and sit there for two hours and let that water creep into your muffler and take all the fucking Stamina juice out of there. Go to hello tushy dot com right now Pressing church and get your home bidet delivered at the crib kick that fucking mule Lee. Oh Shit when I'm fucking around tonight We're taking it back old school. You understand me Wednesday the 17th

Little staying class for you motherfuckers here we go Oh shit When I'm fucking around tonight, it's a church of what's happened now Oh Oh Oh Fucking tremendous. I'm ready to jump out a window when I hear that fucking song That was an album that we couldn't have in our house. My mom was real religious Catholic saints in hell plus dis to ban Judas Priest forget it

How to keep that shit out? I had that I'm in the fucking house. Nobody fucking cared. I Just imposed my satanic will on those cucksuckers. Yeah, well, you know, no, I like this out Yeah, well, it wasn't red hot white heat. Yeah a bunch of shit the production wasn't great Those albums in the 70s, you know, when they when the live album the When when they put the live album out the shit sounded so much better fog hat live phenomenal fuck phenomenal Judas Priest on Lee's in the east and Ted Nugent double-live gonzo UFO strangers in the night the best, you know what I mean? So all those live albums and Peter Frampton comes alive They just sounded better. I don't know if they could they could get that the right sound or something

But that you know, not that I'll sound a shitty in the 70s, but it just for some reason really kind of dirty Which one that's stank? Oh, yeah, I know and I kind of like it. Yeah that AC DC Let that be rock fucking dirty. Yeah. Yeah power ages half dirty, but right that be rock I think they wanted it to be fucking that was one out if you want blood you got it wasn't didn't sound that much different than the record That wasn't like a classic live album Yeah, right Like the jack the live song is back because the dirty lyrics step on had different lyrics for the live version About a chick giving him clap

But other than that, I was not a great live album But most of those 70s live albums were fucking phenomenal new new young crazy voice put out wasn't it? What was it live? It's never something like that. Yeah, it wasn't a would they adjust the vocals for that Or would they would it just be like whatever they sang live is what you got on this album? I don't know what of skinner one more for the road. I mean that was a double live album phenomenal I Don't know how they did I read something in the Keith Richards book Well, he said that they forgot how to wire how to do those things. That's why you don't hear live music anymore

They forgot how to actually Technology got to ahead of itself probably and they can't something weird if you read this book I think towards the end there was a pretty really good explanation on what was going on I thought it was just an old guy like me talking shit about, you know society today, but it makes sense They wired everything they might did that's the word I'm using for they might a different They might did differently and these guys didn't across over never really You know never really I don't know cuz but by the time the 80s came out No one really cared about live records for me when a lot of band put out a live record

I'm like, yeah, whatever it didn't sound that much different than you know iron Maiden live after death the motor had no sleep The Hammersmith Black Sabbath live evil speaking a devil was great because that was Ozzy doing the old black Sabbath songs and Rudy played on there I'm right. Yeah, I was the play them two nights to play them That that was a long. I remember having that like cassette Yeah, and Ozzy had that shit that like Jello coming out of his mother like that I have a cassette. Yeah, I probably have a cassette to that because he had some blue purple like jam coming out of his mouth Open his mouth. I

Used to go to the Palladium to disco dance back in the day Real 82 my friends would go over and I go over there with them Then one day they turned into club MTV and I was like, that's it. What happened, but I was living in snowmass Reading the fucking album cover the live speaker the devil whatever that double album and when I saw the plane I'm like, what are you talking about? But in those days those clubs doubled and tripled because I went to see To be 52s, I'd like the Ritz Like an 81 80 right that's when those bars were like during the week. There was something else and

Long fucking time ago long time ago Yeah, they just did like two shows there You know what happened was Sharon and and Ozzy were feuding with black Sabbath at the time You know when Ronnie was with the in the band and they had the two different bands going out black Sabbath and Ozzy solo And they caught when that black Sabbath was doing the live evil record and we're gonna put a live album out So Sharon goes, you know, it fucked them. Let's put a live album out before them So they had like two weeks to record an album and did all black Sabbath songs and Randy didn't want to do those songs Randy Rhodes was still in the band alive at the time. He's like, I don't want to I'm already playing like three black Sabbath songs live

Rudy tells the story in his book. He's like, I don't want to play old old black Sabbath songs on a record He almost quit the band over it him and Ozzy had a big Falling out over and then Randy's like fine. I'm gonna do it. I got one more album after this and then I'm gonna leave the band But he didn't want it to but they they rushed that out mouth They wanted to get it out before the black Sabbath live out live evil album. That's the only reason they never did any of those songs Like live the wizard and all that stuff. They never did Ozzy solo never did that But they just did that the fuck Sabbath before whatever live album was coming out And how you remember this stuff is my it's it's I know who there's no reason I should remember that now

I do the same thing. It's no reason. I'll never forget. I was dating this girl. It had to be 1986 She's young. I'm young and where the parents house And a bunch of family people there a bunch of neighbors I'm the only one from Jersey there and I've been there like once or twice before and this one time I'm there and the dad thought he was Johnny intelligent He was from like fucking some hellhole, New York He moved to Colorado got a pair of glasses started reading this balcony also these fucking Johnny intelligent And I said something there. He goes, you know what man?

You have a fucking great mind to retain useful useless information. I was like, I know that I didn't know whether it was a compliment or a fucking I Like all that trivia shit to a lot of people don't I don't like it too much There's some people go a little fucking overboard with it. That's too crazy for me I like to keep it light. You know what I'm gonna know what his dog's name is It's like in that movie with Marky Warburg when he sees the guy from that was supposedly Judas Priest the guitar player Yeah, rock star. Yeah, he's like I sent you a card when your dog died. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah You know, there's people that are that nice that you open up the car and go my dad with what the fuck is wrong with you?

Go get a life But there's people that are that nice that people from Jersey like me. I can't comprehend Like if somebody's too fucking nice, I can't take it Like there's some Americans that are really just that nice and guys like me. I can't understand I think they want to suck my dick out. Yeah, just something. Yeah, absolutely something You know I'm saying there's some people were nice. You could see they got edge to them I don't mind those people because I know they have like fucking the faults But then there's people that just perfect

They're nice people. They always I'll help you move. You kidding me. Yeah, I'm bringing the truck. I'll pay for you Come on knock it off. Like they're just too nice Like you're waiting for the fucking left hand to come but the left hand never comes So you always make a bad judgment call and then you feel like you got it. Now you all you say the fucking dick Well, then also you got a you feel like you all my favor now. I don't mind doing that I don't mind. That's that's part of the given goal. It's part of having friends, you know, I Can't help you fucking move you're in no danger. You know, man, I'll give you a ride to the airport It's something sitting down

I can't I'm not gonna live couches to fucking stories. I can't do that no more, you know You Joey we're talking earlier. You brought up like you went and like went to disco dance Can you like talk about we've never talked about that? I wasn't disco anymore, but it was it's not like the thing with the other hand Oh, no, no, no, no, no, it was like fucking like radio music like case. Oh, it wasn't like No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I would never salsa dance in public Those days, I would I just saw it. I was at this club up in Albany and they had like salsa Friday night like Latin night and it was like it was like a porno on the dance floor. I'm like they're all five It's like they were all fucking crazy. I'm walking by. I'm like, this isn't so bad

You know, like just a regular fucking white guys dancing, you know, you're three feet away from the girl But these I was white. They're all mingle into a fucking stick party Every weekend I like hang out where the fucking announcements come up Like I go to the Spanish bakery in Jersey. If I was a white dude I'd be getting top-notch Spanish pussy every week. I was a white dude You walk into those things. No abla the grandmother pulls you over Fixes you up gives you a plate next thing. You know some chicks up in your dick talking to you in Spanish talking about visas and paperwork You're already on the boat. You're already on she gave you a dick suck and that was tremendous from a chick that had hunger

No, it's true saying I know these chicks with hunger. She wants a doctor card. She wants to be back on the dream list You know, I you know, so I you know, I lived on Bergen on Avenue for a long time and Union City, New Jersey and West New York and stuff and I was like the gringo. I was the what they love all white Dude, I was six one walking on the street. I was like Brad Pitt. They love it. They love it And then my Spanish girlfriend one day out of the blue. She just decides to eat my ass And I'm like, what's going on? I go where did that come from? How did you get to it? Was it like a blowjob into like how did yeah She was give me a blowjob and then she just fucking lifted my legs up

Yeah, they like she was changing my fucking diaper and she started to eat my ass and I'm afterwards I'm like, but she goes all my friend Nino. She's Spanish too. She goes she said, you know, you gotta eat the guy's ass You gotta eat his ass How to pay the rent, you know, right in there, you know, how do you come home and give them the rent money? And I told my buddy my buddy came to town and he hooked up with a friend that said, you know He'd ask and he goes shit. I told the next day hooked up But he goes shit. That's the first thing she did was it was my ass So pick up your nuts and it was amazing and she was in there like everything I was like this is all they love it

Every time they suck your dick. There's always a ball sucking That leads to two licks to the muffler just to make it complete. So there's no complaints You got a blowjob from a Spanish woman in the morning. Forget about it. That's an ass eating a ball sucking They swat the whole fucking kitten Kaboom. That's not good in the morning. You've been sweating all night Sweats about your butt. Yeah, they came from one of those fucking Countries with fucking Trump won't even fucking see the postcard from They don't give a fuck you have you leave you can't imagine how hot Spanish women I can't imagine someone picking my legs up and oh, yeah. Oh, yeah

I would freak out. I'll do the trombone with your ass and whack your nut sack from the front Yeah, swallow the goo pick it down like a sugarcane I had a panic attack when I had a girlfriend spit when she was doing a blowjob She went I just started laughing. I never understood that you spit my dick and spit in your face There's tons of moisture in your mouth Don't spit on my dick. That's disgusting. I've never had somebody's either right. That's disgusting I don't get what the whole thing of it is Spitting on my dick. I'll spit in your mouth

Don't spit my dick. Let's let's trade some DNA. Let's get the part of my dick. My dick didn't do anything Do you know you gotta spit in his face like he's a racist spit on me tomorrow when I don't call you I thought it was a proof. I mean, I am a proof I guess some a little bit but the whole like for like years I've been thinking I messed up drawing that I'm like that's what everyone wants but no I was I mean I started laughing and I made her stop like please don't bite Why did you spit on my dick? Would you let a girl eat your ass? Oh, I don't think so. I really I

What if you just came out of a bubble bath? Yeah, maybe the bubble you just can just showered it's like it's like that's definitely part of it Like the worry about this about my smell. Listen if they're not worried about what they go for you as holy They're not worried. They don't go for your ass on it. Don't put a gas mask on Obviously they over they took a chance before they know what they're getting themselves into you know what I mean Listen, I'm like don't worry about them worry about yourself Just always have your asshole tip top my goon and you'll never sweat that a moment like four or five years into like not

Being weirded out by like kissing a girl after a blowjob like that's like just like what is wrong with you What what they're coming in my not in the mouth with them. Yeah, I make out Yeah If it's your girlfriend as soon as you shoot that pepper load in their mouth you tell her come in Let me make out and you switch that sperm in their mouth. They go fucking bananas You gotta get it together Fucking movies And that's what they got mad about it's called a snowball

Yeah, that's how you do if she swallows it all the way down then you can make out with her I mean, she's you know, she's a good sport for doing it I'm gonna hum this in front of you every day from now. How could you say no to hummus or Fuck it. Whatever green beans, but you'll oh I'm not gonna swirl it around so if your girl swallows swallows it all. Yeah, that's you won't make out with her a minute later No, no, that's different. Oh, yeah Get the when when do you feel weirded out when they're still coming her mouth? What is she doing what is she gargling with it? No, I don't know it's never come up before but apparently Joey just goes right down there

That's a lively You're young you could still do that shit We shared bongs and you're young you could still do that type of creepy shit I'm an old man. Nobody wants to swap fucking sperm Joey's been at parties where it's been two pounds of coke on the table So some shit like that's gonna go down Strippers 5 6 in the morning up all night stuff like that's gonna go down It's fucking crazy that cocaine discussed world is another fucking it's all that shit Just fucking freaks me. I always avoided it man

I was I was a and a lot of parties a lot of hot chicks a lot of strippers They had to coke out and I just and always avoided it. I get called a pussy. I'm not gonna hook up with you You fucking baby. What why not all the girls are telling you? Oh, yeah, absolutely They give you shit cuz they want you to do it, too Don't put a coke rock in your mouth and suck my dick you get the full effect. I got a skin fucking rash Who cares I got some Colombian skin rash with the jungles of fucking Panama or something because I always knew my friends couldn't get a Hard on when they when they were doing coke. So I got I got two hot strippers here. I'm not gonna risk that Well, there's two thoughts of that think of Leon Suarez is licking Leon Suarez a guy in fucking

Germany a Spanish dude that gambles and he's a dirty animal. He's always on Twitter He's living the light the line knows you do three blood you do three bumps or coke But you get them coked out where they'll suck your dick for two hours So you really don't give a fuck if you that dick gets hard You just take the dick sucking and tell him it is and eat their ass and eat that pussy and spank him The whole time nothing happens the next day. They got a swollen jaw. They just You broke my jaw last night. I sucked your dick for two hours You weren't complaining why you were doing and snorting that fucking coke

Were you but what happens you get two girls naked? They both want to fuck and they want a threesome and then you can't get a hard I do you gotta wait you gotta paste the room and fucking put a you gotta put like one of those army stilts Like when you get it hard, you gotta tie it up the bottom like the blood go to the top I don't fucking know. I mean it was I've had many of embarrassing nights with that shit But some way we made it work because girls like to talk That's why you always well that was another thing like if I wasn't doing coke, right? They were Crazy insane. It's like we don't drink alcohol

So when somebody's drunk my my last fucking neck is standing on my I remember telling my this girl I used to date. I go look I go she's like you would be in the mean last night I go look you guys were fucking saying the same thing over and over again. I go next time I'm gonna record you guys When you're on coke talking and we're gonna listen to her in the morning and you tell me who was fucking right and who was wrong It's a horror show It's brutal You almost want to do it just so you you could fit in because you can't take it sober or even just a few beers

You don't know what the fuck they're talking. I would go in the other You know, I play hard to get I go in the other room I go hey, I'm gonna go watch sports center like no no hang out Look, do you guys just do your thing talk or whatever? I go just be hanging I'm just gonna go so and then they feel like oh he needs attention so they'd hang for like 10 minutes They they get jealous that I was kind of like blowing them off and then they would come in the room and I'd fucking bolt. It was great What a weird fucking lifestyle, but that's what you had to do you had a yeah, you had a trick them Yeah, you got to trick people, but I didn't want to I didn't want to do coke. I never did it before

I I see my I saw my friends on it. We'd all You know, we go to the bar every Friday and Saturday night go try to pick up girls and we get We'd start drinking at like six o'clock soon as we get off of work drink till about 10 10 30 We're only getting into too early. You're never gonna pull one out that early You're not pulling one out of 9 30 in a fucking dance club. There's no fucking way They just got there. They need some drinks in them. So we get there around 10 30 11 to close at 130 So they got a nice buzz on you have to buy them drinks Then we get one guy would pay and they get us we get a black stamp and then we could walk in

Oh, I forgot something in my car and I go back out what a stamp is still wet and press it on like nine other guys hands We'd all get in with one price Do you remember when the beach had the thing on your hand down in lava letting seaside when we were kids They'd stamp yeah, and then you went up to the thing and there was like a glow in the dark like a purple Yeah, light and the seaside part. Yeah. Yeah, one of them. I'll never forget one time I went on one of those things and it was like six gorillas going on to the beach and there's like an old guy Yeah, they'd be like fucking 80 and he's like, hi don't guys And me and my friends walked around and we all gave him the handling the fourth guy's like the shark ate it

And he kept walking the guys like what are you talking about? The shark But I want to take you to write this fucking book I only got a couple excerpts I didn't get the book But I read like 10 pages and I kept reading because it was interesting But then my daughter came in the room. I said you got to put on cocoa and then yeah, yeah, yeah I get it. No, I you know three years. It took me three years. Yeah Well, you know what also it's based on my podcast basically

I just rant about different like social media shit bad Facebook posts and stuff like that and then I started, you know, I Transcribed all these podcasts and then I cut it down, you know, I transcribed and then I cut it down I sent it to a book editor and we worked on it together, but it's been three years in the making It's crazy how you were talking about Facebook and I felt What you were talking about at every level and it's weird that When regular people read that book like progressive people, they're gonna read what I read and go He's so wrong. He's so Because they don't get it like nobody would get no you really wrote

About the likes and before I got on Twitter and Facebook. I was on Rogan's podcast one day And I wanted to rant about you know, why would I want to be on there tonight? You're fucking friends, you know I had like 700 friends at the time And I was talking about that how stupid it is. I wouldn't go on Twitter in those days I just had a Facebook and Twitter was just starting to pick up steam. I'm like, I don't fucking know You know, man, my space was the biggest thing since Jesus and that dropped like a fucking awesome my space had AIDS No, we wouldn't go on. There's no more. It's still there. It's still there, but nobody goes So I'm gonna figure going on to it and saying that and I had a

Like part like I've met a lot of great people through social media to shows You know, but when you look at Some people in particular and look what they're doing like I follow people on Facebook Just to read how ridiculous they are Like they're on the side now click them. They say they have like seven postings. I'll click them Just to fucking laugh but at the same time a part of me feels bad for them because they're part of that

World even in real life where they're surrounded by people that just tell them everything's amazing that they do You know I'm saying yeah, and when I was reading what you wrote about that. I was thinking of this particular person Because There's two people I follow on Facebook. I would never drop their name Because I can't believe somebody's this fucking stupid There's two people I follow on Facebook because they're so fucking stupid. I Never seen anything like that in my life. How often do you check in on them every two or three days? Like I'll leave tomorrow and I won't check on them till Monday or Tuesday

Because I just shake my head one person I've known for 20 years and has changed completely and He's become very political But he'll call me every fucking week and tell me why he's got no comedy career And I feel excited. Have you seen your Facebook post? There's not even nothing entertaining Everything is Trump. Why don't you and your fucking stupid wife? Trump hating wife go shoot yourself. We didn't stop this shit. Cut it out

Then there's a broad that attacked me one day Years ago And I see the part of the world that she's involved in comedy like there's like a couple different levels of comedy that people really don't know about There's the level that we do we play for keeps. This is what we do We've been doing it for 20 years when we die will be on a stage but then there's a lot of hobbyist and then there's people have done comedy for a long time and They go to a circle that it's like these weird shows they do and They all have a theme and that under theme is

hate the corporate comic like that You know their whole show She had a bad experience at one of the clubs like the improv was something like ten years ago And for ten years she's gone on a rant About the clubs and how bad it's like I'm saying to you. It's that stupid But she's never really let it go And it's pretty interesting to see That if she would have just focused on the comedy store a laugh factory should have been straight

But for ten years, she's been attacking the fuck and it's so weird like where they go now What part of comedy they belong to now they belong now? She's in a woman's comedy thing and They go to a woman's thing that these women you've never seen or heard of and all of them have a Hat on or an incognito tattoo or you know It's not really comedy and you see the common-stay life and you want to smack all those people you want to go to that show and smack All those people individually for even you know saying these things like it's just it's bullshit That's basically what it is. You're not doing your friend any favors. I Posted that nonsense. I don't know am I getting clear to you. No, absolutely. Don't know a hundred percent. I mean

You know, I don't want to sound mean You know like a mean-hearted person, but that's what whenever I tell Lee I'm giving that person rope To watch them hang themselves That's what I mean. Like I watch people from time to time And I learn not what to do on social media from watching them Like you're like, why are you posting that? Oh my god But this is why that dudes on a cruise ship Yeah, and uh, you know look, yeah, I mean people

I really focus on now just telling jokes on stage like I always did but I'm like I'm just I'm just gonna give you jokes because I feel like Every comic all of a sudden this is all political and and none of this so you look at the timeline or on facebook I like dude. All right, just fucking people follow you not that you have to entertain them all the time but at least you know Nobody gives a fuck everybody else is everybody saying the same thing as you You know what I mean? There's a million people doing the same thing. It's just like You're gonna get to the point where you're not going to know what's funny anymore

You're so angry at what what's going on in politics that you can't how are you going to bring that on stage and be funny? Like how are you going to even be funny? It's not just you're going to take a lot of your weapons away Like if you're worried about everything that everybody says You know and you're offended by this and this and how are you going to go on stage and talk about that? Like these girls like you know cry of the me too and all those other shit like okay So you a lot of girls had like rape jokes in their act like I get raped if the guy was good looking What so you can't do those anymore? So you just took all those jokes out of your act

Because you're all about this and you believe women and believe and then you can't go on stage and joke about rape So now all these jokes are out of your eye like shit now. What am I going to talk? I can't do that I can you know So they're taking a lot of weapons. Why just go up there and be fucking funny. Whatever is a joke Whatever, it's funny. He's funny. You know what I mean? But when you when you side with that then all of a sudden you're gonna you get to me like man I I better not bring that up anymore Shit, how am I gonna joke about that when I'm just bitching about how awful it is and you got to believe everybody or whatever the fuck it is

Yeah, we just live in a weird time like that where people don't really want to say What's in there fun and it started about 10 years ago, but now with all the accusations and How many people you sexually harassing your day? I gotta go for fucking 2000 well You know, yeah 25 years of comedy You know you meet some fucking savages out there or just even just hanging in the clubs even before Like when you you know going to those nightclubs to coke and beers and

Hanging out and hooking up and all that stuff There's a chick I hooked up with I follow on facebook They torment her from time to time Hilarious hilarious That was borderline fucking sexual harassment Fueled by cocaine I just went to a house where she was a nanny. She really wasn't nanny. She was fucking the husband The husband I had the wife had so much money. She didn't really give a fuck what the husband was doing

I remember going over there three in the morning to get coke from the husband He wasn't a coke dealer. He was just a friend and he goes come over. I got like an eight ball take it And she was there with a robot and he's there with a robot watching tv. I'm like, where's your one? She's upstairs sleeping This is fucking crazy. So flashback to like three months later It's like the first week of december and i'm in a bar in jersey, you know, one of your little neighborhood bars Motley Cruz on looks to kill the whole fucking deal We're snorting coke in there. We're drinking bluebirds vodka and bluebird orange juice in the tin can two dollars

And she comes in the ground. She's fucking banging. I hadn't seen this since that night Like what the fuck is that? You know, why is she here? He's like 45 She's my age. She graduated from me high school. What the fuck? And I fucking saw in her fucking legs. I didn't know it was her just a body. I go, who the fuck I started Snorting and drinking I finally go. That's who it is. Jesus. You look really good to that I kept looking at her legs. She looked fucking tremendous. I think I gave her a blast of coke She asked me if I was doing land and then at the bar one thing led to another she disappeared. I go, what happened? They said she went home down to help that dudes house

I sat there to the couple more lines to the couple more cocktails at three. I walked down that Jim I knocked on that door. I go, can I talk to her? He answered over the road. Hey, how you doing? What's going on? I go, can I talk to the nanny? She was at the bar before my wallet disappeared And he goes, yeah, hold on. She comes back. She's like, what happened? I go, I have thought to go. Let's get the fuck out of here. I want to eat your pussy. She said, I can't She's like, I can't. I'm gonna get fired. Who gives a fuck? That's tomorrow. Come on. Let's get out of here So fucking she went She goes, wait outside. I'll be out in five minutes

Because I kept selling all this. I'm gonna stick my tongue in your ear. So I can't Come on. I'm gonna suck your pussy. I'm gonna fucking lay your nipples on fire I'm gonna put a coke rock in your asshole. Okay. Okay. I'll come She opens up the back door. She's like, hold on. He's sleeping I know if we got a look on top of the refrigerator. There's a deposit bag from like a business. I just took it to go She didn't know we got down to the hotel this cash in there. I hide it in the bathroom We got one of those tunnely avenue hotels down those disgusting things like a tunnel motel

Uh, there's a couple of there's two in Bergen They're pretty good. There's one on 91st street And there's one on 70th street. Both Hindu run No free breakfast. There's just a A vending machine with potato chips and fucking cinnamon buns and shit But the one they have two rooms in that hotel that have the star jacuzzi Yeah, and I'll never forget. I went to one for a coke party And a bunch of people went wearing the jacuzzi while they were in there. I could see him scratching

Like the herp was on fire. It was the same tub that Lee jumped into the nbmb that time When he got the rash on his neck, he came I got a rash all over my body. I got a stye. It was terrible That's right from the nbmb fucking jacuzzi Sex or harassment they're gonna throw us in jail, Jim That's like the fucking that's what you're doing Jersey That's what you do when you grow up in Jersey you sexually harass people Mediates anybody you just torment you don't give a fuck offices. What are you doing to midgets? I don't know you smack them and you fucking say something. I don't fucking know

Well, how many times the guys grab girls asses in the bar when they're walking by him like a night club You're always doing that rubbing on. I don't I get too scared I mean just like, you know, we're younger. That's you always did that stuff If I grew up with you and I knew you like there was one or two girls I played that with But at the same time, you know I didn't get out of I never went for that monkey and nothing like that No, I'm just saying like, you know, you kind of like brush up against their ass as you're walking by him and In a crowded night club

That always happened like when you brush up or when you take a picture with you're on the road No, no, I'm just saying like you ever take a picture with a husband and a wife and she got big titties Yeah, she takes a jacket off and lays them on your arm and you can feel the vein pumping From a fucking heart in her tit and you're like, what the fuck is this? But you can't say nothing. That's sexual fucking harassment. You know what I'm saying? She's giving me a fucking heart on She's taking me into the murky water. She's giving me false hope. Yeah, I've had girls grab my ass in a picture Yeah, the husband's there too where the husband's taking it and she puts around grab my ass Oh, I'll tell you sometimes kiss a tit and you're like, what the fuck guy

Like smelling tits. Yeah, or like honey. Just show me your tits. Come on. You you grew up a met fan or yanky fan No, well, um more San Francisco's Giants. I liked okay. It's funny because when I was like in the sixth fucking grade All right, there was a basketball game at the high school And it was the new york Mets against north bergen faculty And this was like my first year in that whole curriculum I had lived in north bergen, but I went to school in carney But once I got thrown out of that school in carney I had to go to north bergen

This is my first semester in north bergen basketball season It's like november and the Mets John Matlack a couple Mets came over and they played against north bergen high school faculty And I went up there with these fucking gangsters from 26th street these little fucking kids or savages There was a project up there on the north bergen side And if you cross the bridge it turns into a nice residential neighborhood But I'd go over that side to play basketball and you make friends with those kids And they had a lot more fun than we were having on that side of north bergen

They would go up to union city and beat kids up with socks filled with flowers They had duro tests where they used to steal light bulbs and the dumpsters and beat themselves up with light bulbs The long ones you had a fluorescent ones those fluorescent one. They would beat the fire. You didn't have powder all over They these kids rock. They rock things. They always have cash They were always involved in something. I knew a little feelers leader of this little patio in the sixth grade So I would go over there in the afternoons. It was a cute girl There was a girl one of the first girls I haven't asked on a date maria kava. Ha I just met with

My high my sixth grade teacher's bar in north bergen when I went home in november We still all meet the thursday before the friday. I played gothams. We all meet and that teacher's bar We eat chips and shit, but I stole my maria being in that neighborhood and I would fucking go over there And chest what was the point of this story anyway before we started sexual harassment So these guys are When then I go and they go hey doggy You want to go up and see the mech game against us the what am I going to go? Yeah We're a little cold out nothing nothing extreme

We took the number one bus candy boulevard up to the high school watch the game And then with three minutes left two minutes left one of my buddies goes. Let's go. Let's get out of here before we get caught in here So we're outside hanging in front of the high school the high school's packed And it had to be you know like eight of us And we would meet like six other fucking gorillas We half of us were even sexually developed. I probably just had the air on the sides I didn't had the the whole feeling yet. Right. I had the bozo look. Yeah. Yeah, I was just I wasn't coming yet But I was already whacking off. I already wanted to suck somebody's titties and shit

And I'll never forget that there must have been this girl if we were 12 she must have been 15 And she came out of the high school What about two other girls And we were kids and one of these guys I was with just went up to the girl started grabbing the tits Then two guys went up to the girl Then three guys went up to the girl They had been like a rumor that had gotten out that she had blown somebody

My friends didn't even want to go to like usually you find another chick sucking some dick You wait a month and you ask her on a date you send the flowers you help with homework You get her out one night you give her a fucking half eight pack and she'll suck your dick in the car Yeah, but if you attack like an animal, she's not going to suck your dick the word will get around This girl must have sucked somebody's dick and I don't know what happened But next thing you know this poor girl was covered up Covered up like her friends were just pushing guys away And nobody was raping or ripping off her clothes

All they were doing time was grabbing the tits and grabbing her ass and grabbing the pussy and grabbing the tits Just fucking that's it She was going off and I remember that I was one of the guys that I grabbed the tit And then I backed off when I saw what the fuck was happening Then like one of the security guards came on everybody ran away. That was the craziest thing I ever did as a kid But again, I was 12 nobody hurt the girl They did something must have happened sexually She did something these gorillas had no fucking

they had no Logic or whatever because it was rare back in that day at 12 years old for a girl a blow you or a girl fucking Like there was only a few of them in the school I don't think there was anyone in my school at 12. Maybe there was but I had a friend who knocked somebody up in the seventh grade One Soto I'll never forget that poor one One solo got the girl pregnant quit school never saw him again him and the family packed up and moved away Cuban kids

There was a couple kids I went to school with that had kids in high school That's fucking scary Yeah, it's always something yeah, but back to the facebook post. Sorry. No, no, it's all right But yeah, I mean you do you see well, I like you know when people go Because a lot of it's just a tension-seeking people just looking for attention Maybe they're not getting it at home or who knows what it is. You know, everyone's just everyone's just trying to compete with each other You know, so someone leaves a post like uh, I'm on my way to the hospital and that's it So now you're gonna have to have like 75. Are you okay?

What's going on? Oh, if I lived in new jersey, I'd meet you there Keep me posted. Do you need to have you know wall of stuff and meanwhile It's never anything serious Finally when you read down to the bottom in a 35th comment, she's like, oh, it was just a sore throat But thanks for everyone's concerns because you know what posting that everyone's gonna go is you know, what's wrong? You know shit like that so You know that it's all it is a tension-seeking post. Yeah, facebook is getting weird. I actually like I don't know if you've seen this there's people on facebook like who sell drugs

Like have you seen that like like like when I was going to high school like facebook was just coming out So it was crazy to have like a picture of you with a beer in your hand Right Because you were underage now like people are posted like people are getting caught all the time like for to have selling drugs or Or going on facebook live and shooting people. It's crazy. It's good. It's like Yeah, that's crazy what people are willing to put up online And I'm saying that and I we do podcast and everything is public, but it's like geez Yeah, um, you know look it's just if you're

Constantly putting pictures up you guys party in and you know being at a party beers and you could see some Coke maybe or some kind of weed laying around and you're posting all these pics on your facebook page When you go for a job people are gonna look for that shit Oh, yeah, absolutely and they're gonna see this stuff like I as no I can't hire this person Look at this or you roll, you know all that stuff. So it's all all those pictures are out there They are good at it though Like do you ever like I'm not really great at social media and I like some of these people like better social media Experts and then people who do it professionally like the people like these like there's some pretty girls out there

Who have like amazing social media and they all their they don't do anything. They're just pretty Yeah, well, yeah, of course, I mean And they're not even getting paid for they just post every day 95 percent of my instagram is just hot chicks I just looking at look looking at hot chicks There's a lot of them on there But we were just saying like it's I think it's crazy how there's some people you're you're really good at social media joey But there's a lot of people who aren't who do it professionally myself included

And I think there's like a lot of teenagers today who are Who are better than if I was 22 I'd be I'd be making a half million a year on social media if I was 22 And I was good looking there would be no stopping me Especially on instagram because I know the buttons to push. I don't know how easy it is Look at what this girl did this week tiffany hattish She got group on to fucking sign her as the spokesman for a year If you really wanted to do that you could do that now today

It's very easy. Just what did you put a instagram post about our group on or something out there to all the followers She went on kim on told the group on story On kim on she took uh, well smith and his wife and his wife on a group on tour when they were shooting a movie in new olin's and How she had been a fan rabbit fan a group on for years. I love group on myself I love it. I'll look on group when I'll get anything on group on before I go fucking see it Especially I got I got doubts about you sure. Why not, you know For 26 bucks, whatever the fuck they charge. It's worth it to go down there twice or three times. She got the place

So she kept fucking with it and eventually and that's very attainable today You know, if you just you just contact the company and go, hey man Is there a code I could use to get like 10% I do a podcast or whatever even starting at that level And you just keep attacking the the product You keep attacking it, you know, if it's a cup Every sporting event you go to bring the fucking cup with you Eventually you're gonna get get momentum with that fucking thing Especially if you're doing different things with that cup

If you're just taking a picture with the cup and you're a guy you're in no danger But if you got a chick hung upside down by your fucking ankles And the cup is in a cleavage and the ice cubes are falling in your mouth All right, you're gonna sell some fucking cups somebody's gonna reach out to you eventually it's being creative With that product. That's it. You could brand yourself into that with all the social media Social media has a lot of great stuff. No, it definitely does. It has a lot of and I'm not saying I'm not knocking social media But it has the other side of that coin that it's just a little too It's getting

To someplace and I still say crazy shit on that. I'm waiting for them to throw me off. I've been suspended a couple times But never, you know, I would hate not to have it for 30 days right harry harry's band Yeah, I heard he's threatening a bird on a bird on there But I don't use it to how other people the social media is great to promote to promote yourself I remember, you know, when I first got my website in the mid 2000s It was like 600 bucks a month were all the bandwidth I needed to play audio and video on there I was paying 600 bucks a month and then facebook and all these things come around that I pay like $100 or 50 bucks a month

From 600 I'm like this is so it's basically free to have all that shit But yeah, and then you just got to keep up with it. You got to keep You know, but my stuff is more of like, you know, the people that just uh You know just post nonsense Like there's no reason for a post, you know, like, you know, take a picture of them, you know, because they're out to dinner You don't mean like a ready to eat, you know, hashtag hungry. Okay. I you know, I had a feeling you went to a restaurant It's probably gonna be food there You know what I mean, it's like, you know, just dumb stuff like that. It's like, okay, I got to scroll through all of this shit

There's one good one. I saw there was this guy who every time he was out with someone taking a picture like that Would smash their food right before they took the picture and people would get genuinely upset at him Sure No, the food is fine. They were just mad because they ruined the picture How would he smash the food? I'm sorry. It's just the spoon. He would So if he was out with friends and he did it, okay, okay, I thought you meant if like I went to your table No, no, no, yeah, that'd be a problem. No, no, no, no But yeah, and you know, just uh, and then also, uh, you know the vanity license plates

Especially out now late are all over the place, you know people bragging whatever they do or trying to be funny You know, there'll be a license plate lol. Okay. What is that going to do? Is that going to make somebody laugh? Yeah, but that was invented in jersey when I was growing up. What those creepy license plates Not for nothing. Nobody has creepy license plate. There's a ton of jersey does an Italian people when I was growing up What did they say? Oh, just you know, they always had You know, that's that's like listen in new jersey from the society I came from There's only one thing that beats customized license plates That's a fucking uh, you know, what's the top room in a hotel?

penthouse Penthouse suite in the Bogato and Frankie valleys in town Like that's the only thing that probably beats that from the people I grew up with. I love them to death. They're hysterical when I was a kid I had two buddies who had Valley license plates and it drove. Do you remember what they what they said? One buddy owned a funeral parlor. So it was htv number one, you know, anthony peever nary number one funeral parlor and the other guy owned

A store his name was hash way and he put hash And that was a bad idea Two people went up to him and said, you know the drug And he changed to something else deli deli That's a good one. Yeah deli number one right shit like people would have those frank You know back in the seventh like you had a when I was growing up you really had to know people

Like down at dmv to get personalized license plates Like that was like a cashier type deal So I'm putting them on the car and I'm going out of the bogada. There was no bogada. That's right There was something else but but I still remember the bogada opening And a friend of mine calling me going dog. I just saw you opening for real good at the bogada. This had to be like Four months after it opened Like really in the beginning there was a fight down there And that's why I was down there with him. I didn't stay for the fight. I went up north

I left him and Tate a bunch of the savages that But I'll never forget like a week before I was going a friend of mine goes like my My son's going to see Richard Rowland. He says you're working The you you're in the bogada. Oh my god. I was down there last week. It's like a dream come true It's better than any casino in las vegas. I mean he just went on I was so fucking excited. I don't forget opening up my room and I could smell cologne From the people who were in there the night before I was like, what the fuck is this I get some other fucking cologne. I get some other golf balls in my room and shit. What the fuck they were doing in there

Who the fuck in the house jimmy warranty, you know i'm saying i'm just trying to fucking I was just then I just went to a seat this uh sunday. What'd you do? Me and my buddies got suites Went down there watched the games drank fucking gambled Went to a strip club Stayed out till three four in the morning got down there at noon Both games are all of the sunday game football games the NFL games were on Hung out in the bar fucking putting bets and bookies

Fucking drinking going crazy. They're all getting high. Then we hit it off with a strip club. How was the strip club phenomenal nude No, there was one that's all nude, but you have to bring You have to bring your own booze in They don't sell it in there We have to go buy it next door as a package good store right next door to strip clubs So you buy it there you bring it over there and it's all nude The other one was they keep that you know bikini the g-string in the top on that's better that one's better Why

Because yeah, because when it's all nude there's a lot more rules. You can't go near them They can't come close to even water like a lap dance You know, I didn't see you after florida I remember your name and I watched you at different clubs not watched you personally But then you did the HBO thing and it was good to see you on that I knew you were still alive and kicking And then you used to do the show in comedy central you tormenting people on the phone I never really watched that show. I don't watch a lot of comedy central. I'm like, oh, why do you?

But reading your book You know reading your book. I know we're both the same souls because we grew up in the same area But there's a chapter you got in there An episode whatever the fuck I got you know what I'm saying And I read it. It's you being whatever in your room Not knowing that what you were doing was The building blocks of your career. Yeah calling people and harassing people And I'll never forget the first people I used to arrest. I was johova witnesses

And he owned the barbershop like two blocks away And me and my buddy will walk past the barbershop and like fucking look at him He would tell us to get off the thing and then we go to my buddy's house And we this is the 70s when there was no caller ID Yeah, there was no star 69 and you picked up the phone There was nothing you had no idea who was calling the other you had no idea you call the cops Unless cops came in the house. Yeah hooked up something to your phone to trace it. There's no way no way no way You used to have a field day. I mean this guy he was just the barber was a johova witness

And he only cut your overwitness ass So we would go to my friend's house And just call and say, you know, like that thing or the hoa like that means johova witness In spanish, they said came out on me and then we'd say and then we'd sing a song And we just hang up on them we do this like 20 times the daytime that was The extreme of my torment and you did the How long have you been writing songs of like tormenting people since you're a kid you've been singing it people That must have been 12 and then somebody told me the jersey things, you know

Is your refrigerator run or go catch it, you know all that shit. Yeah, you go through all those stupid phases You call people Well, we had this girl in our class in seventh grade. I remember my buddy, tony She had these huge tits So we got her phone number somehow I had a phone book and we called her up and we're like, hi This is a national survey. We just want to know what your bra size is and she's like is this tony and jim you You creeps and hung up on us That was like my first prank call and then there was no time we'd just go

I we dialed numbers and if it was a woman answered Yeah, we dial random numbers and go how big are your tits? That's all we would say So we're doing this all day if we get a guy, we just hang up So i'm downstairs at my buddy, tony's house. He's upstairs the other other line on the phone And i'm he's are you you dial and I look on the refrigerator and I see mom's office number So I his mother's office number. She works at dental assistant. So I fucking called there I go, okay, it's your turn. So his mom picks up. Hello, uh, madison dental. He goes, how big are your tits? She's like, is this tony?

Oh My god That's the last time he did that he hung up fucking chase and chase me out of the house down like through the neighborhood Like fucking for like a mile That he yelled that to his own mother how big are your tits? I used to love calling people hanging up on them and all that creepy shit We were just doing that my buddy was on fucking Percocets coke pot and had like nine drinks

He was out of his fucking mind at the table. Well, that's you tomorrow. I know what's doing We're watching the game watching the game. He's out of his mind. He's fucking all over the place So we just keep calling his phone his cell phone. We hit star six seven first So it just comes up no caller id and he's like, hello, hello And i'm just and i'd start talking i go, what'd you put on the bed on the game? He's like, what i go, oh, sorry you're on the phone. He goes, who is this who's calling? We got him 20 times in a row. He had no clue. He goes, somebody keeps calling I'll go, well, you should pick it up. It might be important. It might be your wife. He's like, you're right. Hello and

20 times in a row Oh, I love doing all that shit to people And then when he goes, where's the bathroom? I go, it's right down there. Just make a left over there I sent him in the kitchen at a fucking of the bar We never tell him whatever. What's the waiter's name? Steve. He comes over. Hey, steve. No, my name's jeff. Oh Why'd you call him jeff? It's non-stop Some guy ordered mozzarella sticks at the table. I get a beating for 20 minutes. What are you five?

You're a grown man. You're ordering mozzarella sticks What's next fucking? You know, do you guys go to therapy like for all this stuff? No, that's just that's your way of showing affection Oh, my god, you know what I mean? Like, okay, you're what you're part of the crew Okay Yeah, i'm like, what's next grilled cheese you want the ends cut off You want you want to gogurt with your fucking mozzarella sticks on the side? But that's just and it's just like, okay

Just you just take it And you just hope it goes to somebody else never order mozzarella sticks again I hate fucking mozzarella sticks. Yeah, you said I can't order calamari this weekend. No, no, no, that's shit You guys going to austin? Yeah, i'm taking them to austin. These are like a calamari. You'll save it when you go back east Great barbecue down there, man. Yeah, I'm just worried about the barbecue. All right. Don't worry about the fucking calamari We're going to pop a dose We unless you got a mouse in your pocket, you're going right over to the barbecue place

Okay, so as we land i'm putting you in an uber You're going to the barbecue place at two. I'll see you by six Bring back some brisky. You're going to the mission going lion mingle Get to meet people in austin Tell them some stories Sounds good. What do you think? right You know, he's a young guy go mingle

You're single too, right? No, no, i'm not you're gonna. How would it kill him? You know stand online Take pictures put them on twitter. Take picture with who you're by yourself. You got a girlfriend. I do No, she your ass No No, I don't need her ass. It's a mutual relationship I I can what if she just does once at all all of a sudden because that's what happened with my spanish girlfriend She just one day added a blow I don't think she's gonna one day out of the blue do that but

I don't think so man. I don't I don't think that's for me. I haven't even had anal sex like that's I'm not as grossed out by it as I used to be but like the story when joey said that story I don't remember what podcast it was on with the tin foil Like I can't imagine even going near a woman's asshole like that. That's just too much for me I don't know. There's this poop in there. I'm like, I just can't I'm sorry. Can you believe this? Can you believe it? Yeah, but a girl's gonna know, you know what I mean? She's not gonna be holding in a shit. Yes. Well, let's have anal. She's gonna know She prepares herself. She's not gonna let you go in there

Well, sometimes you put in her muffler and you get shit going And you pull out your little dick Some jizz comes out and then it comes on like soft serve ice cream Yeah, this is why can't you know sometimes if you take them to the cleaners What if you stick that helmet in their muffler and you're pumping at the same time you rub that clear with your hand like a fucking machine gun And you do a double loader. I'm telling you sometimes They just squeeze out that soft serve when your little helmet's in there It's like george washington sticking the cannon and you're trying to light the cannon, you know

Oh my god I've never been involved in that I heard a particular friend of mine took a girl home one night and while they were having sex She fucking just let it all go Yeah, my buddy did that on his honeymoon. My buddy tony his wife had like they were they went down to mexico So she she must have drank the water and she had diarrhea and he was fucking her in the ass and it was just all over him He's like fuck. I was on my honeymoon. I just kept going. He's like I wasn't gonna stop You wouldn't never do that right there. Fuck. No. He's a gentleman. Oh

There was this girl. She came to my show. I did a college down in like tennessee. Oh my god. She was 19 years old. I was like 25 I go to the I go to she worked at waffle house. I go to the waffle house in the morning She goes, I was at your comedy show last night. You're really funny. I go you in the audience. She goes, yeah Like okay, and I was in town for another night. I go I'm we're talking. I go we should hang out tonight She goes, I have to work 14 hours today. I came in at seven. I gotta work whatever I go. Oh, I go. Why don't you come to my I go? Why don't we hang out later? She goes why guy more I go didn't just come to my hotel room We'll have some beers and she looks at me like what?

I go I go whatever I and then I go look i'm in room 320, you know the holiday and she goes, yeah I know where it is. I go. I well if you can come this would be four phones She shows up after a 14 hour shift In a waffle house uniform. I ate her ass 20 minutes later After a 14 hour shift you tell the family that's a soldier right in there. That's a soldier 14 hour shift. Not even a baby wife or no. Nope. No, that waffle house uniform off right in there There's no hello to see how often am I gonna have a 19 year? I could cup her ass in my hand one fucking hand You gotta take it to the hoop

You gotta bust that home Let me get some shot out You gotta take it to the next level. I am a Hagan Michael Escusi Mikas Christopher divas Justin Stanley listen to the jungle Weedemars

Nate is here. Jeff Collins Jesse Lindquist And my man Geno packed digital or something like that You know, I love you motherfuckers. I write this shit, you know When I'm high and I don't understand what the fuck I'm reading after time But you know, I got you. I got you. I got you in my fucking mind. All right Emma Hagan, you know, I love you. She always says nice things in the morning. We have a lot of nice people

We're about to see ookey spooky. I can't wait fucking Thursday night. Bobby Sharon crystal Fucking a boyfriend Dallas is coming down with some Cuban pastries. Like oh We're getting barbecue on saturday night We're getting Chinese food. You're gonna get all this shit. I'm getting it. I'm saying I'm eating poppins those fish and salads I gotta stick to my little way. Watch this shit Speaking of writing stuff down when you're high I after that party last week Yeah, I had a little edible and I went shopping high. Do you ever go shopping high?

That's the only way I go shopping for the last 20 years. I can't do it I always I always like I always get something wrong Like I went and looked in the fridge and I always get something fucked up Let me explain some to you even when you're sober You do shit this fuck that's true. At this point. What does it matter? At least have some fun while you're doing it Last time you were fucking sober. You ended up in San Jose for new years That was fun. The room with disgusting omelettes I didn't have the omelettes. It was fun. Yeah, get it together. Let's go

Why are you tormenting me? Let's have a deal with that So the book comes out February 20th. Yeah, is this your first book now? Yeah, really? Yeah Oh, I thought you had books before no I know you're working on one, right? You said last time I was talking writing every day. It's it's It's the toughest thing man to do you think it wouldn't be that tough but just The process I'm doing an audio book too Where you gotta go be in the studio for like nine hours a day reading from it to like four nine hour sessions, which is horrific I

Like the writing process. I'm enjoying it now I'm on a roll now. So now I wake up. I have it outlined. I know what I'm attacking. I was really prepared before I'd been fucked. So you never would you're stand up. You never sit down and write like you Yeah, now I do but you never did before you just kind of like when it came to you you kind of work it out on stage You have an idea. Maybe you listen to it Because the theory is if you weren't good at school if you didn't have good school study habits You weren't disciplined like to sit down and write like like some other comics that were good in school Like to sit every morning and write out shit. I was never like that. I'm like when it comes to me. It comes to me

I'm gonna write it. I'm gonna work it out on stage. I'm gonna listen back You know and shit like that But I was never one that I could sit down every day at 10 o'clock and fucking and write because I wasn't good at school I just fucking did whatever I did could to get by So I didn't have good study habits at all. I've always had good study after I got left back Oh, you got left back. I got good study habits I was always I was all I always did well in school

But I discovered women in the sixth grade. Yeah, see I got sophomore year in high school. I was playing baseball I was on the team Starting and then I got into weed drinking the girls So that was it I quit baseball three months later. Yeah, I was looking at hustling magazine. I'm like I'm done Yeah, there's a whole lot of life out there. They fucked me up completely. It threw me off completely just just threw me out of my game love the whole fucking deal I ended up going to summer school. I I didn't go I would play hooky from that

And the third time they threw me out and they said I had a fucking get left back What grade did you get left back seventh? Oh, that's a tough. That's a tough If you do it like first or second or third no one really kind of knows you're young enough at seventh Oh, it fucking destroyed because then you're in the school with all the eighth graders And they know that you got left back and you're still in the seventh Yeah, so everybody knows it was funny because I got I got put in a class with a guy that I didn't like right off the fucking bat And once I became his student We got along until today

We talked on the phone Like this was the weird and on the last day of school I stole his car keys and his house keys and threw him in a dumpster And he found that it was me came to my house We got into an argument and in september it was like it never happened I was going in there expecting the worst And it's like it never happened and him and I were on very Whatever basis

Very touch and go for a couple months, but in those days You went to homeroom And then the rest of the day you alternated classrooms There was four of the classrooms that you would go to history Music whatever so you would only see him in the beginning for attendance And at the end or a lunchtime for attendance And then basketball season came and I found out he was in the fucking hall of fame In the fucking hall of fame

He's like one of the only guys from jersey He has the record for a glass barrel He made the most free throws in college In the fucking lead day. Yeah, like I think he still has the record. Nobody's broken his record 73 free throws right, so He went to the aba. He played for the miami floridians They went under He was too slow for the mba. You know, he's just the fucking he was a good shooter though So he sure I tormented him

To fucking coaches and he went fucking coaches So I finally showed up in his house one day And he had a hoop in front of his house and he came down And he goes, all right, I can't coach you guys, but I can coach you off record. We'll do it here And we did it a few times and we were like a fucking and we turned the The whole season around we made it to the playoffs and I just became friends with him after that. So me getting left back Was like a fucking good move from me because still today I took him to the premier grudge match

That's how tight I am brown. He owns a bar now the whole fucking thing in north peregan Yeah, man So out of something good out of something bad you get something good Yeah, um, yeah, I never got left back, but I just you know, you cut corners I remember 10th grade geometry. I couldn't figure that shit out either. I still can't yeah I was just like I I don't know why stuck. I just don't get angles I I'm okay with algebra But I just can't I got that in chemistry

Maybe it's related Yeah, maybe But I remember When there was a day of the test I wouldn't show up because I was I knew I was gonna fail it So I don't know. I would just not go to that class I had like four tests that I didn't take I was gonna fail for the mark appeared of it Because it was just I was gonna have to go back and take him at some point I remember the teacher goes hey if everyone wants to go up to my desk and look at the grade book and see your grade

You can't I'm gonna leave it open So everyone was just walking up, you know like looking at it and she went out of the room She went like down to the office or something like that So when I got up to my grade book and I looked I had four empty slots and my grades I fucking took her pen right there put 86 84 82 91 filled in every grade and passed with a C She had no idea I I used to do kinky shit like that

I hated doing and then the report card would come to the house like they'd mail it to the house So I get the mail first and you can erase like the number that they gave you like an f Would it like a little erase and my buddy had this little eraser And you could trace it and put like a d or a c or whatever like that So we trick our parents by doing that unless your mom looked real close. Yeah, you couldn't tell there were some professionals There was these two chicks right by my house. They would fucking clean up your report card jack You dropped it off. It was one hour service How old were they?

16 15 two sisters I see them at my shows from time to time They would take your report card dog Fucking white it out make copies. They were just geniuses Saying the white outdown so you couldn't see it It was crazily with these fucking freaks as long as you got it because they would mail them So you just knew when they were going out so you'd get them before your parents You get that mail that day at three o'clock to mail it

You could at school at three o'clock and your parents were gonna home the five you got the mail You didn't give a fuck jack that day. You didn't go back to school after lunch Do you think report cards are online now? Yeah Well, I know they're not for college but for like even high school and stuff. Yeah, my boys in first grade It's uh, it's online. Oh, he can't scream. Yeah That's how old your boy. Yeah, your boy was a lot older by now Well, he got left back to the end then He lives with you full-time, right? Uh, he's with me like four days a week. Okay, and then I work, you know

I'm home with him And then uh, you know, and then I go to work on the weekends What's the mom do? Um She's close by she lived like 15 minutes away. So he sees with her the rest of the week. Does she work? Yeah, she's uh, does lacrosse stuff Perfect. That's big in jersey lacrosse. Yeah Now when I was there, I know no, I never heard of it until until la duke

Lacrosse case when that fucking woman says this dude's right there. I didn't even know that's a sport I never fucking heard of it. What is that? It was it was big when I was going to high school. That was like a rich kid sport You know, I say shit. I'm still in 1982 Like and I feel it there's parts of me that still live in a world that Nobody really understands and because I just don't fuck with it. Like when I left jersey Only fucking Like when I left jersey only dark Spanish people played soccer

Yeah, and they had to play it like saturday afternoons in the park and their own little corner and shit Soccer wasn't legalized yet. What when I left jersey soccer was not across the board the way it is Okay, you knew about paleo and that was it I've been playing soccer I thought you meant it was illegal It was kind of illegal because every time you saw 12 people playing soccer a car will pull over and go immigration And they would fucking take off mutton county park. Yeah Okay, every sunday they would get together and play

Oh, it's crazy I never heard of all this shit lacrosse. I didn't hear about rugby till I moved to aspen No, I lived in yeah, no, no. Yeah when I moved to aspen I was walking home one day and I saw a bunch of guerrillas tackling each other I was 18 years old and play rugby in jersey. I went skiing one time in jersey I went to the playboy resort. Yeah, and wherever the fuck it was way up there and they used to have midnight skiing And a cocaine bender my friends thought it would be a good idea To shoot out to this place for midnight skiing

And do blow listen There's none to blow in the world to numb you to restrain that fucking cold winds that come off whatever the fuck and midnight I went out there and ran back to fucking And it wasn't skiing like you get in colorado This was rocks ice with a little bit ice on it and shit If you fell you hurt you were breaking your back. There was no two ways about it You were breaking your back. It was a jew's attorney's paradise up there. You need money go up there and fucking slip and fall It was so disgusting. It was so fucking cold jim

And then I wanted to call around and I'm like go skiing. I'm like fuck you I did that shit already. Fuck you fucking savages And my friends like no dog you you went skiing in the dump You didn't go skiing in snow bands literally and I fucking got on skis and I loved it I used to I even got a job that gave you a ski pass And I would ski early in the mornings because I lived close to the mountain right so I would ski right off my fucking backyard I would take my little three runs and shit go home wash my pussy And go to the video store just like that

Jesus, that's a perfect life. Never went skiing before never never Jimmy you have no idea. It's so much fun. Your kid will love it You take him to like a small resort. You do the comedy works And then after the comedy works is wrapped up Take him to aspen but take him in all season. Oh, there's a couple like there's a one in new england that I went to It's like really small Has been so big. Yeah, because even in jersey like the polka nose is where like that's outside of jersey They owe every year was fake snow. They had a fake snow man. If you're gonna ski let's fucking ski league

Yeah, no reason to go to fucking boston with a bunch of fucking carnivores. It's not in boston Whatever the fuck it is. He's gonna go to aspen. He's fine. You go to aspen during all season You go for a three four day. You take ski lessons. He takes ski lessons. I'll tell you what if he's fucking six You'll go. Jesus christ. This is beautiful And you'll be trying to struggle to ski The next thing you look over to the right and you'll hear like Children's team children's team And you'll see your boy in a deep tuck with a helmet on

Doing dirty miles an hour and your heart will stop because they're close to the gravity So they could ski the first fucking day. Well, they gotta just bend over and And they just snow plow and done they're done those fucking little kids Fucking savages is like you and me. We take a few falls at first. Yeah, absolutely Pa pa pa pa skis are over there. You gotta get up with the one ski on your foot and walk upward You're sweating profusiously You put on like a vinyl shirt to cover you from the snow Joey Diaz told you to put it on but it's fucking hot now

Those things get hot jacked and if it's not snowing or it's not really cold You're basically skiing in the fucking sauna So it's worse for you. So my friends don't always go if it's skiing a lot Put that on so the snowflakes don't stick on. It's not a big fucking difference If you're sweating in the cold to get you colder Yeah, you get cold. You don't want to have that sweat underneath you. Yeah Can you put like three four pairs of socks on that was always the theory it's gonna get and then your feet sweat I had never had health insurance. So that's why I never did dangerous shit like that

Like when did you get health insurance as a comic or I think I like 41 was the first time I got health insurance. I didn't have health insurance till 1998 Which put me at 35 years old. I think I like 2003 for that. I didn't have insurance I didn't give a fuck And you really didn't need it. No, you didn't because what's gonna happen needed you break an arm You go to the fucking emergency room and then every I went to like 32 emergency rooms And that was the only like one bill in my credit bureau Because I did a whole sweep just to look for what has been on there over the years

Well, because if you don't give me a cell security number, they can put it on your credit report So if you put a fake cell security number down or just leave that blank and then it'll tell you to fill it in That won't go on your credit report Like the first time I went to sag When I first signed with sag, I had a fucking I was out one night and I had this pain in my head And the next day I woke up and my buddy said you have a abscess He goes at your point. It's right there. You have to go to the hospital So I was like, I have sag insurance. I went down to the hospital. I'll never forget this the first time

Went down to whatever the fuck is down there. See the sign I waited Saw the chick. She gave me this thing. She pierced it They took like an emergency fucking tooth out tremendous They sent me around the corner All fucked up from the ether And then About six months later I got a bill with zero zero zero. It's been paid by sag and

A check for like $18 for a cab ride till I never got That's when sag was sag, I don't know what's going on there No, no, I have insurance and I'm I don't know I'm Insurance is weird. It's 500 bucks a month. I feel fucking horrible about what they're they're just killing people I got sag insurance and yeah, it's it's you have it I don't have you have to make For family insurance. You have to make 30 grand a year. When did you uh Become sag

2000 well after it was after and then emerged with sag but I've been after sag since like 2002 When I got the crank anchors gig I had a join And it cost like a grand to join I've been with them since 2002 and I've always been on tv shows where I made enough Where I basically get free health insurance that I have to pay a little But not anymore. I have to make you have to make 30 grand now In sag after to get family health insurance get you and your family covered So I'm not making that in that actors to eat enough tv and and film work Where I'm not getting this is like the first year I had to pay out of pocket

Because when I had that metal show was on for 10 years and that crank anchors and all other shit. I always got I always covered it So I pay like 560 bucks a month for my insurance and then uh My kids would as well as mom's insurance with to her job But it basically for a family of four it's like 19,000 dollars in new jersey if you don't have insurance the baseball 19,000 for you your wife two kids a year 19 grand a year and that's just to be covered

That doesn't you know, there's not you don't care that much and deductibles or you know and shit like that But that's basically what it is We when I lived down in florida we used to fuck these skanks. This was in the 80s My friends were all in bands these metal bands and I would just be hanging out with them And I'd get this just the leftovers And if we didn't work we had no money we're making like like 30 dollars a A day at this like day job of construction So we didn't have any money if we caught anything or something all of a sudden we got that leaky dick

There's always back in the 80s you get that shit We couldn't go to the doctor because the doctor was like 75 bucks and then the the pills were like another 40 So we went down to the fish store and got fish tetracycline and took that Because I was like a former penicillin Because we had a fish tank and the fish we get they said you got to put tetracycline in there some kind of Infection or whatever it's like that so we go down to the fish store and just get it there and just start popping them And it would go away And they were like four bucks for like 20 pills. It's supposed to be for fish

Like sometimes the girl was really skanky before we even felt anything Well, we'd better start popping them now because it's probably gonna be a problem I'm proud of you. You wrote a fucking book, man. I thought it was like your third Whatever now hopefully I got a second one from yeah, I wrote There's always like a story about me growing up in jersey some crazy shit We didn't have to construction site or prank calls and then I go into All like the bash and social media stuff Pretty interesting shit. You're probably you're a savage. I'm out there, man

I didn't know you had it in you to sit down and put it together. It's a pain of fucking ass people think you're at home fucking Head bang listen. Oh, I am in the high and main But little do we know you're by the desk this morning. I had to put my kid on the bus We get up at seven he gets on the bus at eight. We're listening to Sabbath I had never say die on And then I had Johnny blade on for him He loved it. That's what we do in the morning What a little no SpongeBob

Sabbath no SpongeBob at that. Well, he likes it, but it's still but if we put music on I can live with that It's always good to mourn and listen to Sabbath. Yeah always to get out of the house after listen to a little Sabbath Get your day started. How come every time we hear there's a fire? Give me those deadly every time we hear there's a fucking fight And it's close by like this guy's got a fucking mosey along like a fucking is that a fire or a plane? I think that's a fire. That's a fire Did you see the documentary on showtime the end black Sabbath

Yes, I did. Yes, I did when they were doing that stuff in the studio Yes, a couple days after the last show when they do changes Okay, oh man, and they do wicked world in the wizard like it, you know Just Tony just the four guys in a studio and singing a just playing it right there was phenomenal When he broke out the harmonica Yeah, almost shit. Was that great? That was great. That was great. Who put the harmonica Ozzy Ozzy What do you was he got it when he took it out? He just like started fucking around like And I knew he was going into wizard. Yeah, it doesn't take a fucking mastermind

And I was like, that's pretty cool. I love changes though. Man, that's a great song. I just The whole thing was very uh It's amazing that these guys are in their 70s doing what they're doing That's scary Ozzy just turned 69 And then Tony also he's 130 in cocaine. Oh easily. I know like these dogs are three, but he's really 21 and dog He is same thing with cocaine cocaine runs your body. He did it for 30 fucking years. He's got He's 108 In cocaine years. He should be done. He's 70 when we were children 70

Seemed like you were dead. Yeah 50 Seemed like such a number that you could not even imagine like you're 50 Jesus, you're fucking old. You know now i'm fucking 50 I don't feel that old I'm tired You know, I'm fucking old. Yeah, I'm not old. Yeah, I don't feel as like What the illusion I had old people did

I thought this was it being 55 meant you went home at five o'clock. You had a couple shots before you went home You yelled at your wife. You had dinner. You had one of those reclinable chairs You watched tv. You didn't bathe. You didn't do anything. You sat there until 10. Then you went to bed. That's it That was my dad. Yeah, that's it plain and simple. No fucking must No fuss Because you're putting the house together that gives you the right to sit on that chair for six hours every fucking night Maybe you get up and take a shit Put your house slippers on eat dinner. You get up about 9 30 to get some cookies

Besides that that's it. There's no fucking movement. It's really I I don't know I'm up and fucking about all goddamn day, but then I have friends of my age The deliverance shit for fucking fellow express that drivers And I see those guys on my fucking block Unloading the shit in my I can never do that at this age. I'd be done. I could do that shit two days a week I do one day on monday and one day on thursday, and I'll give me enough recovery time but to get

I don't know off those fucking little stairs with a box Run upstairs knock on somebody's door. I'd be dead that I don't fucking day you could do that gym I mean, I could but I wouldn't how about you Lee? What do you think? I don't think so. I read that Imagine how sweaty your ass would be walking up and down those stairs your girlfriend would never eat it I wouldn't either So if you washed your ass holy right and you looked at your girlfriend and said eat my asshole Would you would you let her if she was game?

I'm not gonna say now I'm not gonna say never but right now it doesn't seem like it's on that one What if you what about if you meet a girl this weekend Austin and she's sucking your pipe right? Yeah pulls up your little stomach and get dick sure and she uh Sucks you dick and then she licks your ass. I want to go I think I probably scream and uh, forget a little bit I mean unless it was just amazing. I don't know I think he's afraid he's gonna like it. I mean it could be part of the part of that Well, if your girlfriend came to you tonight said hey, let's we should mix things up right?

We really should you know, it's getting kind of boring and stuff and let's you know Let's try some different things right take a shower and we'll just experiment and then I'll next know she's eating your ass I Guess maybe but I don't know it still freaks me out down there You're gonna love it. You'll be fucking back in anywhere like you were a cat trying to rub on her Like uh, like how far how far does this go or like our fingers going up there? No, I mean, you know, maybe they're the first knuckle first. What knuckle maybe but or it's just you know, whatever whatever she does Jesus

I mean, what's the big deal? I don't think I want anything on my butthole Well, it's not what you want. Sometimes, you know, you gotta say yeah, sometimes you gotta take the bullet Well, luckily she doesn't have like a urge to go down there. So that's cool But if she doesn't but if you met a girl let's pretend right I'm gonna oh jesus christ Nothingly I don't think so

I don't it's uh, I mean, when did you guys get because we guys always cool with that stuff I don't like butt stuff to be honest with you. I was very scared for years and it happened But I moved on Lee no big fun. Exactly. You don't never know you never know So get it together where you're slipping. I guess so, you know what I'm saying let the practice on this girl there's any there's any woman who Our pro butthole stuff like Tweet me and tell them but like tell me why it's like not the most like I don't like it Like tell me why it's like not gross. You're out of your fucking mind. So I got you see what I gotta deal with

Yeah Get a relax you do a bong hit you take the two bong hits Take a couple gummies. You should be relaxed. You're not gonna get to them. You're not gonna get there. All right. He's not I've been trying for years He's been we've been trying this Here I had a black chick that was gonna find his face And just to break the whole patois of this for a year. I kept pushing it. I had a girl that wanted to do it He wouldn't do it

He had a girl there was a girl in Denver that sent for him Loves you that tied her out. You know, there was just so many things. I don't want to bring them up now I know you got to get going And I went through this it's a tough subject. I don't want to have someone for on their face Listen you're 29. So what these are the things I didn't do when I was your age I wish I had the chance again a little handsome guy like yourself on the radio You shave your head. You shave your beard. You look like you're 22 fucking years old You go into a bar with a long jacket on they're gonna start bringing you home Lee

One of these little mills is in a farting in my face. No one of these girls is gonna. Well, listen what happens She's gonna spin around on you and get into a node south position And suck your balls, what do you think a fucking muffler's gonna be in your face and you got to take it and sometimes when you I'm looking at it, but I don't want to do it. Sometimes you're 69 and you're sitting there And it's right there staring at you and you're in the bottom and the legs are down your neck So what do you do to it? You either sniff it, right? You take the ride, right? I mean when in Rome I don't know Lee you have to use your imagination. Just get it together. You're slipping. All right My uh, my ex-wife would never let me eat her ass

I I was fucking she'd fend me away and push me away And I finally gave up after like a year And I I filmed the comedy special And she saw me do two shows in a theater And she let me eat her ass that night I think she was just like I got it. He just had an unbelievable night. He just filmed the comedy special You know what I mean six camera shoot and she goes, I don't know that was the first time I ate her ass I give you a gift. They saved the best for last

To take a good fucking party three three months later our marriage is over, but I got in there I got in there on the night I filmed the special. She was there with her family. They all watched All knowing that she was gonna eat. Yes A family is there going he's he did such a good job Are you gonna take him home and eat his ass? Say are you old school? Are you gonna take it to the hoop? And that was where you're gonna go home and give me a fucking story. Lee. What do you think that was two sweaty shows? I did. You know what I mean? That's right. Lee see You gotta get it together and then yeah, so she was a hard work for

I guess I'm just saying it was just it was a special night, you know They so I I think it at night more of shit that there was some ass eating going on then I filmed the comedy special That meant more to me prior That's how good it is Maybe that's a good review. I might have to try you know, she's like You have any stories. No, no, nothing really like that Jim Norton wrote the forward and he wrote about us hooking up with girls like the whole forwards about that But you know, he's gonna wind up like trump

There was a whole thing that trump hooked up with his porno girls because he just liked it one one position That was it. That's lee That's lee. You don't want that getting out there. It's getting out there 20 years ago when he fucked his porn star. He only like one position. I have a couple of that's what you're Gonna be the same way. Ah, he's just kind of What position can you I'm not that I'm not gonna go in all the positions. Yeah, you possibly have me Are you on are you on all are you on all fours? That's one of the that's one of many starting positions, but

I'm gonna do it this fucking guy. I can't believe I know who knows Come on. I mean joey would have to get him an eight ball of coke Do all of this stuff be drinking not he might not get pussy till seven in the morning These girls are giving it up at fucking eight o'clock at night. That's right You don't have to spend any money. You take a bunch of poli and they'll fuck. They'll fuck you No, he has to bring about like a strange attack I see how women look at lee when we're out in the shade and like They're looking at them all strange

What a couple they look at them. They go, you know what uncle festively the fuck out of my pussy Joey had to put a nine-hour shift in with an eight ball of coke He didn't have to drink in and then listen to them babble all night and he maybe he would get it at like eight in the morning Eight nine in the morning of michael down I had to tell her boyfriend killed herself out of white or shit When's the book come on jim february 20th beautiful make a pre-order now. Yeah pre-order it everybody is awful except you What's up on amazon and all that stuff and uh, yeah, it's good stuff any concerts in there you talk about Um, that's the next one. That's the next one

I talk about the scorpions concert where they scorpions took took the girl. I think I told that story on here I go to the spectrum to see scorpions probably 85 86 I sneak down to the front. I got all way to the front row. I'm in the front row. It was general mission I go to get a beer. I see this hot chick And I go, hey, I go when I start talking I go you want to come to the front with me She goes, you can get me up there. I go. Yeah, so we just pushed her away. I got her all way to the front We're in the front row watching the scorpions She's so excited. She's up there. She's a big fan. We start making out there on the show

Right scorpions are on she's grabbed my dick. I'm grabbing her tits She starts flashing the scorpions in the front row these big tits. It's beautiful blonde chick like 20 They're they're giving me the thumbs up. They're like smiling. They're all pointing over and I'm like, yeah I'm grabbing her tits and she's grabbed my dick and And the scorpions like that's what a cool score a cool dude. He's letting his girlfriend show her tits whatever so after the show ends One of the um Rody comes over he goes, hey the scorpions one you guys come backstage like holy shit

We fuck he walks us all around the side of the building. We get to the door. She's walking. She's first she goes through The fucking bouncer stops on my way. He goes, no Just her I go now they just the guy just said the scorpions what he goes. No just her And her name was melanie on there for you. I'm like melanie melanie melanie. They won't let me in she never looked back And I was mad at the scorpions for like a year That fuck them they stole my girl But meanwhile who I as a comic I know when I was like single back when I first started playing down in florida She's like, I didn't want dudes backstage. Of course. Why would they want me back there?

I was gonna ask them, you know, who you know, who was that on the blackout cover and who was singing back up on fucking Some weird song. That's what I would have talked to him about Meanwhile, she's flashing her tits. So why would they want me there? She left me in the dust Didn't even look back. So that story's in the book She left you for the band. Yeah, of course. Yeah, no blame her. She didn't even look back. I'm sorry or let me see what I could do Maybe I can get you pass nothing come out in 10 minutes if there's no drugs And I had no I didn't even know like I had I didn't ever phone up or none of that shit

I'd still be mad if I were you What are you gonna do? You know what? I hold the rug. I would do something the guy fucking with the guitar lettuce. Sure I'll get open. You know what? I'm not mad at her anymore. I'd eat her ass in a second. I would have done it that night Even after she was with the scorpions. Oh god Sometimes you got to go, you know, I mean the going at all put old you go in New York City those old school peep boots You know, what's on the floor? You got to do what you got to do? Sometimes you do, you know, it's sticky. What do you do? You're in a war zone been to a strip club You were in a war zone sometimes. Yes. Yes. Your sneakers stick to the floor. You just untie them and just walk out in your socks

Oh, it's not worth it That's what you got to do. You're in a war zone Why would they jack off on the floor? Where's it gonna go? On the ceiling somewhere tissue You don't have tissues. You're just you're horny. You're struck out. You were at the palladium all night It's four in the morning. You're going to a fucking booth. You watch a movie. You jerk off He's thinking you're not thinking about tissues

You're not thinking about where it goes. They got a mop guy that's gonna come in in like five minutes I know but who Disgusting that's like that's like an extra level. You think those people worried about the flu You think the people going there sit on your fucking No, they're hoping for the flu. That's disgusting when they sit on your milkshake. They care about the flu I love you. Lee How can you jack off just like it's a joke? No, but no, no, no, I know you're not sitting on everybody It's true. There's a mop guy

Yeah, so that means they don't clean up after themselves No, they just leave it. They come on the floor and we only do step on it and kill it I brought a girl in the booth one time this hot blonde and We're fucked up and we went in one of those boots because we didn't have a hotel room and I was on my knees eating a pussy In the booth, I I could what am I gonna do at that point? You know what I mean It's my one shot. I don't she's not coming on the train to jersey on an hour train ride And still gonna do what you want in that moment. That's what needed to be done

I applaud your resourcefulness, but that's not you it makes sense after you got burnt the first time By the scorpions you tighten your game up. Absolutely. Now when you see him your fucking hand come from You hang something to yourself right off the bat. This ain't shouldn't gonna happen again jack And I only cost a quarter because you put a quarter in You get the movie going. Did you even start the movie? Yeah, well, I used to throw a quarter in a movie plays for like four minutes Which this is the place with the booth. Yeah, the booth like I'm 42nd like show world Yeah, but I was saying when you were there with the girl you started the movie too

Yeah, because we wanted to get her in the mood too. Okay Wait, he's resourceful again. Yeah, and you want to have a Rambo. It's like a Boy Scout It's a Boy Scout back. He's gonna close you from some angle and you wanted to her to forget what was on the floor And what a creepy situation it was What a disgusting place I've never looked at it from this view till you said it Like I walked in there when I was 13 14 the first time played hooky. Thank god for the interview Not knowing what you're walking into

They could have taken us in the back and sold us in spain Because the creepiest people hung out in there. Oh my god the creepiest I would go in there with six or seven kids, man How would they just tell you they didn't give a fuck as long as you had a dollar bill And you got change in there. That's it. He died boy. How old are you 18? How are you getting there you fuck? He knew you weren't fucking 18 or you were 12 You know how many things they could have done to us

I was just telling that we used to go to those things We would fucking do like Like we'd get a joint and dip it in formaldehyde And smoke it six or seven ways and then take a bus into the city And then down by 42nd street down there we go right We meet up on 178th street, but I pulled it already up there At five o'clock we'd be roaming the fucking cities You and Lee would go down

Broadway and me whoever I was where we'd go down 5th avenue And go wherever gets up to 178th street And you'd have to get up there all fucked up. We do the same thing with angel dust We call it t8c crystal That was the longest four hours of your life You thought like you were in a fucking dream And you would come up on people and they'd talk to you and you'd talk to them And next thing you know you were walking around a corner with them to smoke a joint. It was just fucking surreal

It was surreal man Yeah I'm happy those days ended. I'm happy we never got killed. It's formaldehyde tastes like Like fucking chemicals Like eating ass Someday you want to try it for my family No, I'm surprised. I haven't already. I think we did it one night. Yeah, I knew we had something We smoked and enjoyed one that I think so

Always a pleasure having you. Absolutely. You have a website to think you go to jimflorentine.com. There you go No, fucking don't and I do a podcast every week comedy metal midgets So I'm Ozzie's boneyard. You're on my serious too. Yeah. Yeah, I do a show on Ozzie's boneyard every thursday I'll do a tribute to fast eddy clark this week from motorhead. You are the original guitar player died So all three of them are gone now fat filthy animal tail or lemmy and fast eddy I was a big motorhead fan back in the day. So he just passed away last week I saw he passed away. I don't know that there was three fuck and he was with fastway too He started fast way after left motorhead

They sounded just like zeppelin those guys You're a fucking savage, you know You're coming from you that's a that's an honor You're a savage in a half. You don't eat no stars. You just drink your water. You're perfect. You're beautiful Yeah, I'm working my way in that at my buddy just got me some gummies Okay in jersey. So I haven't tried them yet. He gave me the other night I gotta be home. I don't know. I got I'm gonna do very slow because I haven't done this stuff Do you know how many milligrams the gummies are? No, you don't need to know nothing

Just take a little bite or whatever. I'm gonna take a little bite. I'll make sure I'm at home Make sure you have ice cream and then we'll see what happens Tame the animal Just in case he comes out American cheese The animal like salami, you know White bread. That's what the animal likes. I'm just Let you know. Yeah, I'm gonna say so you're not quite with your pants down

What happens when the animal doesn't get what the animal wants then you eat cookies and fucking turkey bacon And all this shit you eat cocksucker. That's what happens. All right. Okay. What would you ask me next question? You know what fucking happens, all right Unbelievable people first off when I think Jim Florentine for coming on Great comic go again to Jim Florentine dot com Get the link to the book and also get tour dates Number two Let's talk about food right now. All right

Blue apron is the leading meal kid delivery service in the u.s. And while many people know What we do many don't know about the types of meals You eat when you cook with blue apron. You're not just having burgers for dinners. You're making Short rib burgers with a hoppy cheddar sauce on a pretzel bun You're preparing seared steaks with thyme pan sauce and mashed potatoes green beans and crispy shallots All in under 45 minutes and without a trip to the grocery store. You understand me Listen blue apron delivers fresh pre-proportioned ingredients and step-by-step recipes Right to your door that can be cooked in the 45 minutes the menu changes every week

Based on what's in season and is designed by the blue apron in-house culinary team Blue apron offers 12 new recipes each week and customers can pick two Three or four recipes based on what fits their schedule blue apron sends Only gmo ingredients and meet with no Added hormone. All right. Lee. How much did you enjoy blue apron? Loved it. I just sent you more codes to get some more blue apron sent right to the house. How easy was to cook it? It's it's super simple. They give you a step-by-step guide that they keep improving It gets better every few months

They take you through every step and they tell exactly how long it's going to take And they give you a card everything comes to the house to know the entire nutrition you open up everything You know exactly what's in there and let me tell you something Lee uses it a lot as a date night You know this girl from get together and cook together. Listen a family eats together stays together as corny as it fucking sounds and For eight weeks ending at the end of february february 26 Blue apron is teaming with whole 30 to bring you delicious recipes Our menu will feature whole 30 approved recipes each week like mexican spice by ramundi with avocado

Tokarashi chicken lettuce cups with avocado and kale and sweet potato salad kick your new year with blue apron and whole 30 which and this is going to really break through Because you're supposed to be a little healthier meal for you. But anyway, this is what i'm going to do for you Blue apron is going to do something for whoever listens to this podcast if your family here you go They're going to give all the listeners a 30 off your first order if you visit blueapron.com Slash joey again. That's blueapron.com slash joey. Let me tell you these weeks menu All right, just to keep you on board here. You got whole 30 approved see it steaks with warm lemon South subverte with roasted broccoli and sweet potatoes. Can you imagine cooking that?

I don't know you're going to cook it with blue apron. Look at this one whole 30 approved chicken and kale orange salad with spicy tahini dressing Can you imagine cooking that bam? You're going to cook it with blue apron Here you go spicy pork and korean rice cakes with baby Bak choy Are you kidding me or what? Just say bak choy at the bar when we want to hang out with you There's a type of savage you are blue apron is going to get you in the relay

Listen, blue apron has a lot of options. All right fried rice with togarachi peanuts. It's the best But listen go to blueapron.com right now get 30 off your first order I gave you this week's menu get 30 off your first order and free shipping at blueapron.com slash joey Blue apron a better way to cook number two Listen, no more stinky asshole valentine's day is coming You want them to lick your ass? We just did a whole segment about the asshole licking You're sitting there like a fucking bumpy all your life. You're 29 years old. Nobody's eating your ass

You know, it ain't something wrong with society. It's something wrong with you Maybe you're not confident about your asshole. You don't have to feel like this anymore Not now the hello tushy is around go to hello tushy.com and take a look at the great selection Of portable bidets that you could attach to your fucking toilet within minutes within minutes. You could change your horizon Your asshole will become a fucking menu selection now For years you've been like the ugly girl in the corner Hiding your asshole because you think they're gonna smell the tuna fish you had for lunch Never feel

In superior again, who gives a fuck suck my dick and call me shorty. I was born in 1940 And while you're getting your asshole steam clean Dip your fucking helmet in there too and add some fuck at my little cuckoo juice and wash that fucking thing Listen, hello tushy's even got a little towelettes to scrub your fucking squash. I do In case you in case you got a victim over the house And you could uh, you know, whatever i'm saying You know what i'm talking about. Listen It's a fucking luxury to have a bidet and now you could have one like this

Pampampoom you could have one go to hello tushy.com right now and press in church. Bam and get 10% Get 10% off your order. You understand me. They got a great selection 90 uh 60 day 90 day guarantee Lee and I have had ours for years We're both over 300 pounds. I'm not over 300 pounds. Stop it. You're a fucker. How dare you you're about 289 No, i'm not listen to me. I'm not even close and wabba days are still intact They're still spitting water if they keep our asses clean. They'll keep your asses clean Go to hello tushy.com right now

Impressive church. Bam and get 10% off. I want to thank blue apron I want to thank hello tushy. I want to thank my main man jim florentine A fellow jersey man. Give him some love on jimflorentine.com And i'll see you motherfuckers in austin and the rest of you guys I'll see you at the comedy zone next week in charlotte, north carolina Bring the fucking penguin suit. It's gonna be cold cuckzuckers Have a great weekend. Stay black There's some my buddies over in hudson county put together a band

I want to give them some love take that fucking muley Okay You You You You You You

You You You You