Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #552 - Eleanor Kerrigan

Episode Date: January 23, 2018

Eleanor Kerrigan, Comedian and co-host of the "The Comedy Store Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Square Space - Go to squarespace.com and use promo code "church' for 10% off of your first purchase of a website or domain.    Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 01/22/2018.


I wish you could see mine. Welcome to podcastville. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by Squarespace. Ready to start your new business? Make it stand out. Think it, dream it. Destiny is calling. It says you need a new website.

Make it happen with Squarespace. The future is coming. Make it brighter with Squarespace. Keep dreaming, but make it a reality, brother. The website from Squarespace. This is what I'm going to do today. Head to Squarespace.com for a free trial when you're ready to launch. When you're ready to write all your goals down and get this business tip top

Magoo and turn your cool ideas into a website, go to Squarespace.com. Get yourself a free trial. And when you're ready to go, use offer code church CHURCH to save 10% off your first purchase of website or domain. This is your chance that Squarespace.com enter code church. The podcast is also brought to you by, as I like to call them, the goods on it. On it supplements are always there for you. You know why I'm still here?

Tick tock my goo, two planes, breathing on people's fucking neck. Why? Because a shroom tech immune. You take two, they take, they're telling to take two. The more fucking people I see, the more I take. I'm up to about 10 shroom tech. Immunes a day and you don't see me fucking coughing and sneezing. All right.

I got kids shroom tech immune shroom tech sport. You want to last longer? This is how this is how it's done. And for that fucking protein that's needed, the fucking hemp force protein, the cocoa will put a pep in your step. But don't take it from me. Go to honor.com right now and press in church and get 10% off your first order.

If you go with alpha brain, you want to get your head together, get a little alpha brain. Listen to me. You don't like it. You got 100% money back guarantee and we don't want the product back. All right. It's that simple. Go to honor.com slash church and get your 10% off one more time for

Squarespace and one more time for on it. Kick that fucking mule. It's a little bit funny. This feeling inside. Taking you fuck is back. Not one of those who can. When life was beautiful. We weren't selfish fucks.

Don't have much money, but boy if I did, I'd buy a big house where. There you go. We both could live by was a sculptor. This is beautiful as it gets people then again. No or a man who makes potions and travel and show. No, it's not much, but it's the best I can do. My gift is my song. This one's for you.

You play this all week and see what happens to your heart. And you can tell everybody. This is your song. It may be quite simple, but now that it's done. I hope you don't mind. I hope you don't mind that I put down the words. How wonderful life is while you're in the world. How wonderful life is while you're in the world.

Are you fucking kidding me? If you said that to your cat once a day or your fucking mailman, you lived to your 90. You understand me? Those are the kindest words you could ever say to somebody. I heard that song about a week ago and they almost put the car in reverse on the 405. I forgot what life was about until I heard that song. We all forget on a daily how fucking beautiful life is and it takes a stupid fucking song to remind you. You guys look at Elton John, you look at a fat fucking guy with glasses on who probably sucked a thousand cocks.

That might be true. And he wants 800 a ticket. That might be true. But he set the blueprint in this country for guys like me that were fucking immigrants and I came and this is the music gear. And you're like, God damn, I'm in the right fucking place. Elton John dropped this and everything changed. This was magnificent. Anyway, enough about Elton John.

What's happening? I don't know. Hi, Joe Diaz. What your fucking Philadelphia Eagle hat, old school Philly fan from the womb. From the womb. You came out and threw a can at the fucking doctor, you know what I'm saying? I hit him with batteries. That's who I am.

You threw a motherfucker at him and we got the flaming Jew over here. Flying Jew. Flaming, flaming. Get the fucking man. We were talking about Elton John. You're flaming because that queso finally came out of your asshole from Houston, from Austin. I did think about you this morning because I went to the bathroom and it just took a second. I was like, God damn it.

He was right about that. Oh, yeah. That's constipation. That just locks into you. But I want to thank. It's worth it. I want to thank the cap city comedy club for a phenomenal weekend. I mean, I realized something this weekend that that club isn't even a club to me no

more. It's family. I went there as an open micro and got on their stage outside on Wednesday nights. Then Joe brought me into MC. Then I featured there and now I headline and it's a fucking family type environment. Saturday night. I want to thank all the savages that came out. My man from Dallas, Dave, and I want to congratulate Bobby Sharon and Crystal and their engagement.

They had the fucking lieutenants of the church or what's happened now. Oogie Spooky showed up. Ron White was there. Danny Brown was there. I mean, it was just a great night. It was just a great weekend. So thank you for you guys for making me feel at home. Only Texas acts that way.

You follow me? Texas is a great place to perform. They say it's awesome. I've never been only to El Paso, but not to perform. Here's the problem with Texas that the whole state is alive and kicking. You could look at somebody and go, you know what? Things aren't going quite that well for me right now in LA. I really want to get good at comedy.

You want to get an experience? Just get in the car and go to Texas. Do the clubs. It's true. But you could stop at any bar in Texas and go, how you doing, man? You got a microphone here. You mind if I go up there and do 10 minutes? And they'll let you?

It's Texas. You better be good. Yeah, you better be good. I got some angry customs here. Can you imagine that? They got the jukebox on. Yeah, yeah, you can't do that shit now. But you won't, you can't turn the jukebox off.

If you've ever driven from one side of Texas to the other, it's a week and a half. Oh, Jesus. It's huge. It's a week and a half. And it's another week. If you go to the top and go down, you have a month of comedy in Texas. Nobody really understands that you have a month of comedy. Of not repeating the same places like you could go.

Yeah. Wow. But Ron White said that on our podcast. He did the comedy star one and he told us that like Texas made him a great comic. Great comic. Because he played it in those little circuits and then they move you up, you know, maybe St. Louis, they have a one there and they throw you around. He said that's how he came up.

Texas is one of those states where if you really, really want to learn about comedy, Texas, because Texas will let you take the ride. Texas will let you take the ride, but you better back your fucking guns with Texas. Because that's how you lose them. Like I noticed that if you talked about Bush in Austin, they would clap. If you mentioned Bush in Houston, they would freeze up on you. So you have to learn different parameters, you know. Is he from Austin?

And he's from down there. Houston. He had a ranch in Houston. Okay. So, you know, like if you do comedy in Conroe and all those places, they're a lot different than doing them in Houston. Yeah. You know, it's just a Beaumont.

It's just a very interesting, Beaumont's, I think, yeah, Beaumont's towards Louisiana. But it's just, I did everything there. If I went back in my notebooks, Jesus Christ, I remember doing Corpus Christi with Freddie, me and Mark Babbitt. That's amazing. And having 16 people in the audience and, you know, like nobody really knew who Freddie was, you know, like, but I would do, or I remember doing a barn in Corpus Christi. Corpus Christi.

I remember doing a playsthat at the end of the night, Marilyn called me and she goes, did you get your Coke, Joey? Do they pay you in Coke down there? They gave us like 800. Oh, that's amazing. But I left before the guy gave out the Yum Yum treat. So Marilyn goes, I haven't hear for you, but go down. He was looking for you.

I went down and there was a chunk of fucking Coke, you know, I was there in Midland. I was surprised you didn't become the house opener there. Oh my God, I was there in Midland when the guy tried to rape Marilyn and when he tried to push her door in and she called the cops and I go, Marilyn, he didn't know you were in there. She goes, how do you know? I go, because he wouldn't have raped you. If he knew what you looked like, he wouldn't have raped you.

I was going to say, whoa. Oh my God. It happens to everybody. And it was a hotel in a hotel by the pool. Yeah. And the doors were surrounding the pool and somebody tried to break into Marilyn's door. Oh Jesus. And then another time there was a club down there that I went to twice at the DEA, the

DEA swarmed. The host was a combination magician, horrible comic. Always a good mix. And he was married in two different states and he was wanted for polygamy, whatever that is. Polygamy. Yeah. Polygamy when you marry more women.

Sister wise. Yeah. I was bouncing my body. This guy made me look like a fucking kid. He gave us all eight balls when we walked in for the Friday night show and he said, watch this disappear. And there was two shows. He had one too.

In between the second show, he came up to me and asked me if I had anything left. He had done the whole fucking thing. Oh my God. He would go on stage, sweating, shit leaking out of his nose. It was El Paso, you know, I don't go to El Paso anymore. Okay. But El Paso. I cut my comedy teeth.

Easy. They say. Yeah. Easy. He got me into that room. Freddie. What's the club there? The comic strip.

Freddie, Freddie and Roger Paul got me into that room and I ended up doing up that room probably. There was a year. I was probably there six times. Jesus. I was supposed to. As what? As the opener?

As a feature. Feature. Yeah. You just bring it down a lot. Sometimes three. One time I stayed three weeks as a feature there. Wow. I was supposed to work in Corpus Christi, Roger Paul got me some gig.

I think it was last year and I was calling him and calling him. I'm like, dude, should I buy a ticket and then all of a sudden I think the club closed or something. It's a Roger Paul gig. Yeah, that's true too. It's a Roger Paul gig. Roger Paul called you two minutes ago. You don't know what's going to happen.

Book shoes so you don't have to call him anymore. The club is booked. Yeah. Call him a week ahead and he goes, I was just going to call you. Every time I call you. You're not going to believe what happened. They changed it. They didn't want a woman.

They turned comedy night to bingo night. So yeah, you got to watch those. I get all the good ones. Yeah. You know the. All the shisters are out there. The advantages of the beginner comic. Like if you could write a book as a beginner comic of all the fucking thieves out there.

And it's funny that there's a handful of them that are just this like my friend Mikey Klein over at one by one podcast. He does the podcast. He's a dad. And then he does like fucking design on the side for a couple comics and I've hooked them up. You mean like web design? Like those pictures.

All those pictures is Mikey Klein. Oh, okay. Mikey does his picture from time to time. He'll call me and he'll go, this contact, this comic contacted me and I'll tell him, stay away because they're going to be a lot more drama than what they're worth. Yes. Especially the high end comic. They have people doing shifting them for free all the time.

When you ask them for money, their feelings get hurt and then they stop talking to you. Yes. Because they think everything should be handed. Everything should be for free handed to them. Bullshit. For years, I told Lee, I love comics, but there's comics. We don't make money. You know, that's why comics post shit.

Like we'll do this for free, blah, blah, blah, blah, because they don't want to pay. And then it's just a fucking weird dynamic. Yeah. I want to pay you. So you're happy. And you're happy. The person's happy. You get what you pay for.

They don't feel, you know, these people start these comics and podcasts and they'll tell a producer, listen, we'll get you money after the fucking, we got a sponsor. You're sitting there a year. There's no sponsors. Yeah. Giving up five hours of his time. Got to give him something. Got to give him a burger.

Got to give him something. You know what I'm saying? Not stage time. The last comic of the night at JoJo's fucking Chinese joint. But you got to take care of the guys because if not, it's like anything else in life. One day the guy's going to get up and go, why am I even doing this? Yeah. This benefits me at all.

And Hollywood has a very weird way of doing that to people. Oh yeah. You know how many hundred dollar a day movies I shot that the people were working for free? And they worked like mules and they were getting yelled at. You yell at me for free. I will break this over your fucking head ten times. Now, but before would you do it? Like back in the day, you wouldn't do it?

Not for free. There's always somebody's making enough money there that you can give me five hours an hour. I don't have to prove myself that way. Interesting. You cannot expect somebody to come in five days a week for eight weeks for free. They got to feed themselves. They got a family or they live in their mother's basement. They got to justify that.

There's got to be something. One of my passions in life has always been masonry. Okay. I love masonry. Interesting. You know why I love masonry? Why? Putting your phones on and nobody bothers you.

You design a war yourself. Okay. Okay. And they took that trade away from this country because the master fucking brick guys were guineas when they came over. You know, you ever see that episode of Sopranos when he takes AJ to the church? Oh, yeah. And he goes, look at the brickwork.

Of course. All the brickwork on the east coast from Pittsburgh. Agreed. All the way down to Philadelphia. It's gorgeous. They're still doing it. No, no. They're not doing it.

You know why? Some of them. That shit don't break. The guiney fucking walls. Oh, I see what you're saying. Those guiney walls from 1910, they don't go down. Those guineas learned how to build the wall during Mussolini. They know.

They're prepared. You know what I'm saying? You're saying the Mexican walls you can just poke through them? No, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is that over the years, for you to learn to trade a masonry, you got to go to like a trade school. Like a real school, yeah. Because it's very rough for a mason to take the time out to teach you his trade while

he's putting up a wall and doing a job without him knowing that you're going to stick with this. Yeah. This is what you're going to do. Masonry was the hardest apprenticeship ever because, yeah, you can join the masonry apprenticeship. And that night go to school and learn how to lay eight inch brick and block and all that stuff. But in the daytime is where you get your hands on.

Like a hottie. I was talking to Rogan about being a hottie. That's one of the toughest jobs in the world. When you're 19 and you commit to being a hottie, not a roadie, a hottie, your body's going to look fucking sensational in six weeks. Right. I mean, bitches are going to be sucking your pipe because between the sun giving you a suntan and you carrying brick all day.

All day. You just get tremendous shape. So a guy like me would come to you when I was 18 and go, I want to be a hot carrier. So you teach me from scratch. You take a bag of cement, break it, 16 scoops of sand and a half a bucket of water. You have to dump it. You have to dump it. Mix it up in the fucking wheelbarrow and then carry it to each hot carrier.

So let's say there's six hot carriers. You got to carry it to each hot carriers and make sure their heart is done. Their hot, their fucking cement has to be on their board mixed and you have to come by every three or four minutes and put water in it and mix it the hotter it is. On top of that, you got to supply bricks. You got to keep supplying bricks. So you got to pick up, you got to get one of those tongs that holds eight of those bricks at once, pick them up and bring them to each brickmaker.

Yeah. And then you got to go back to making sand. That's your eight hour day. It doesn't end. It doesn't end. Plus moving lines because you have to keep moving the lines for them so they can lay the brick easy. It's a tough job.

So to get on top, the only way they can teach you is if you get on top of it and then sit with them for 10 seconds. And they'll go, me, da, me, da. You see there's a brick here. You see there's a bump. See? How come you take the slug? He do, do it now.

Oh, you still fucking suck. Go, go back, go back and do the sand, you fucking slave. And then you do that for a couple more hours. You know, I really want to be. And they go slow. They take their time with it. And now everybody wants everything fast, fast, fast. Well, they don't take their time with it.

Those, those guinea brick layers will take that brick from here. But I'm saying it's an art form. It's an art form. Like it's a. And they lay it, they like this, then they wipe the side and they lay it on the next brick. It's, it's an art form. For sure.

But it always comes out perfect. And now they won't take the time. Now. So since union, they won't take the time. Everybody wants fast. You have to go to a union thing at night and learn how to lay it and go through the process. And then you become a brick layers assistant, you know, and that's a fucking nightmare. That's a glorified hottie.

That means four hours a day. You had another four hours a day. Plus you have to get the job site ready for them for the next day. We talk about that a lot about people not knowing what to expect when they get out of school or something. So what those early jobs are the toughest ones. So what they're doing right now, they're going to do on this sidewall. So while you're doing all this, you're up to dig across that sidewall to make sure that

side is even for the next day. You got to start laying their little pallets down to see if it works. 18 inches away from the wall. See a mat, you know, by to the inch. You're the first one there. You got to wipe down that wall. But you're doing this while they're still going more. More.

Yeah. That means more, more fucking mud. You know what I'm saying? More. More. You have no fucking idea what that, what that job is like. You know, the first job I had, we didn't even have fucking sledgehammers. You had to do everything by hand.

Like those, what are the electric ones? Bulldogs. Oh yeah. Yeah. They wouldn't let us use jackhammer. So you had to use a sledgehammer. You had to use a sledgehammer and a fucking pick to pick it up. And then you and another gorilla picked it up and threw it in a wheelbarrow.

And then we rolled it to a fucking wall and then you threw it over the fucking wall. That was your job all fucking day. Why didn't they like jackhammers? Because maybe you had to get a special permit for it. Maybe it was just 12 feet. Not sure what it was. Maybe it was just 12 feet of footage that you were going to do. You could do that in a day.

That's why you have these back carriers. I used to love sledgehammers. I love all that shit, but now I don't think that's available anymore. Like a union. Look it up, Lee. Well, no, we looked at the, there's some sort of apprenticeship program for something. Local masonry. So that's what you're going to get into now?

No, I'm not saying I would love to. It was funny for such a lot for you. Like when, before I went in the halfway house, when I first moved to Aspen, that's what I did for two summers. I did it one summer in Jersey. I did it like a, like another summer in Fort Lee, New Jersey for an Italian guy. And then I did it again. When I got out of the joint, I did it in Boulder at the halfway house for a guy.

That's where I kept coming up positive. I was going on the job site, snorting coke. He was having a hard time with me. That's the place where I put the fucking drain on my dick. Okay. And the next day, you know, unclog it. No, the next day when I went to the job site was when I realized my dick was bleeding. Oh my God.

And I had to tell him my dick's bleeding. I got to go to the doctor and shit. How do you, how do you notice it was bleeding? Take a piss or something? I pulled the skin back and I saw my helmet and I saw it was all bloody and scabby. Wasn't it burning? Like the drain. Oh, did something to it?

Like I didn't have my dick called for that long. It was for the p-test. So I would pull the skin back. Oh, you're trying to circumcise dick and I put a chunk of drain. Oh, in there and put the skin over it. And then when I pee, I pulled the skin back and the drain. Oh, it would pull up, fall off into the fucking. They'd be like, look, you're clean, but I broke the machine.

Unclog toilets. Oh, no, no, no. Our piss is amazing. I fucked up so many of those machines. They knew I was doing something. Oh, OK, because I was like, they knew after the first time I put drain. Oh, first time I put drain through pool cleaner. Wait a second.

Like chlorine. You take those little things that, you know, those pellets. Yeah. Is it chlorine? It's a chlorine pellet. OK. And people put them in a thing and they float around the pool to kill all the germs. I said, that kills the pee, doesn't it?

Absolutely. So I took it and I grinded it down with a hammer, like a fucking rock of coke. And I had it, like, powderized. Yeah, because we have big buckets of it. Yeah, it comes in either buckets or it comes in a capsule. Interesting. I went and bought the capsules because I'm an asshole. Obviously, of course.

I smashed the fucking thing down. Lee, you didn't do a bucket today. He had secondary. I'll do it now. But I can't even imagine, like, thank God it's liquid now. Like, I can't even imagine. Oh, yeah, because you were doing powder. I've never even seen a powder, but that can't be good.

You've never seen a powder drain? No. No one likes you. It's a little container like that. It's a circle and you pour it over. Like Ajax. You have to do the whole thing, like Ajax. Oh, my God.

You've seen Ajax, right? I've seen it, but I wouldn't put it on my dick. Well, you're not as exciting as us. Oh, my God. I pour it in my dick. No? All right. I'm just seeing if you're listening.

I can't imagine how much that burns. What's that? Putting stuff on your dick. Well, at first, I would wipe the helmet off with no moisture. And I would, let's say I had a pee right now. Like, I'd pull up here and I'd take my dick out in the car and I'd put the drain on my dick then. Okay.

I'd secure a little chunk to the bottom of my dick and I'd pull the skin over so it wouldn't fall on the way to the pee test. And I would take the skin from the dick and put it upward towards my belt so it would be tied to something. I don't fuck around. No, obviously. I would walk up the stairs, I would do the paperwork

and then he'd make me go in the bathroom and there'd be mirrors on top of the toilet and to the sides. And he would stand outside. So all I would do is take my dick out, pull the skin back and pee in the thing and I'd see the chip fall into the... Oh, okay. ...to the thing.

Would it start bubbling like alcohol cells? Or like, what would happen? Right off the fucking bat. Oh, my God. It would make like a weird noise and close it and there's something else I put on my dick. There was a couple things I put to try it. The drain-o shut me down.

The drain-o was the last one. Because after that they were like, that's it. That's such a bad chemical. That's like putting that kind of chemical on your dick is so bad. I can't even imagine. I mean, I don't have a dick, but... Bro, when you're addicted, you do what the fuck you need to do. Yes, you're right.

But I had friends that would try everything when they had to take a test like that, a drug test. Try everything. Drink this, drink that. Drink Clorox, an idiot. Drink Clorox. I used to drink... These kids think they're cool with tie pods.

No, I used to drink white vinegar. White vinegar. White vinegar and like that. Would that help at all? Not a fucking thing. I mean, I'm just curious because it's like... I'm embarrassed to even tell the story. Embarrassing.

No, because I know my friends would try every fucking thing they could think of. I tried everything. But I never heard Drano. Drano's the top. What's the shit you put in Jell-O to make it thick? There's a thing. No, I tried Zinc.

Because if you eat a bunch of Zinc, your body gets hot. There's something that makes your body sting. I did that. This was way before a headshot. This is 87 when I was doing the work. This is before the internet. Would vitamins work? Would vitamins work?

Because sometimes you take a vitamin and that's very nice. I pissed from 88 to 91 and it was a fucking nightmare. Three years of piss test for no reason because it didn't do anything. It didn't deter my drug use. It just taught me how to break the system. It just taught me how to fool the fucking system. Well, to see you're learning something at least. It's not like it didn't teach you anything or it didn't do anything.

No, because it just taught me how to work around the system. I had become such a... It's not a sneak. But I knew I could get high Friday nights. I knew I could get high Friday nights. That judicial system didn't do much for me at the time because I wasn't really ready to get whatever the fuck the word is. So I would get high nights. You mean clean?

Yeah, I didn't want to stop doing drugs. So I would get high nights. Poor thing, huh? You're a little boring. It's kind of bullying, huh? Not fucking bullying? We're going to get the party started. We're going to do no edibles tonight.

Why no edibles? Because I got shit to do tonight. Oh, okay. I wasn't even going to bring it up. I was like, you forgot about the edibles. He didn't forget about none. I got like 10 pieces in the fucking bag where they sink your ship. But that means I fucked myself up tonight, too.

And I got plans for tonight. I got things to do when people see. Got plans. I got to do some shit, so. No, no, it didn't rehabilitate me at all. No, I didn't think it would. It made me work around the system all along. Like, I know you have bread.

And it really sucks. Like, I wasted my time and their time. Yeah. Like, I wish they would have, like, taken a survey afterward or something years later. Done something. Push that away from them before you tip it over and say, I don't know his jacket. Uh, you know, I wish they would have took a survey to see whatever systems they had worked. Because they didn't deter me at all.

But they were trot. That's what they were trying to do. That you're going to scare you with a p-test. I thought I was to keep you from losing a job. No. So this was just after. No jobs didn't really get p-test. No jobs didn't really get p-test.

My friends all had them. No, maybe, maybe seven, eighty-nine. Nah, they weren't hip yet. Or maybe it was the nineties, right? Yeah, they got hip back in the nineties. And then they really got hip to it now. If you're a mailman, you can't get high. My friend's a longshoreman.

He can't get high. You can't get fucking high. But again, you get highly going to Friday and really be cool. It's the THC. Yeah. That sits in you. I don't know how long I'll be staying in your blood for. I don't know either.

I don't do drugs. I suck at life. I should do drugs. You've never done a drug. Not really. Your brothers and sisters? Never, ever. Yes.

Not all of them. What made you not do drugs? My, me and my brother Billy were very young. I think we were riding big wheels. That's how young. And we saw a guy overdose. Like a neighborhood kid who was like, he was a big basketball star. He was going to be everything.

And we watched him fall. And he just started foaming at the mouth. And he just started. And I was like, Oh my God. And my brother Jimmy, who's nine years older than us was like, get out of here. Get home. So he kicked us out, but me and Billy kept watching and I watched this kid. And then Jimmy saw us again and he goes, that's what, that's what happens if you do drugs.

And I was like, Oh shit. So I got scared and get, and this guy's whole life was ruined. He is from, he didn't die, but his brain didn't come back right. And to this day he walks in our neighborhood. And every time I bring people in my neighborhood that don't know him, they get scared of him. They're like, Hey, that guy, I'm like, Ah, that's cool. That's Gary. He's cool.

He's, he's fine. He won't hurt you. Never recovered. Nope. Never recovered. And today he'll take steps and step back. You know, he's one of those. He's been in halfway houses his whole life.

His parents kicked him out drugs. He was every scott, a basketball scholarship. They were coming. Every college was after him. He fucked everything up. And it just scared me. I was like, Oh fuck. But it didn't stop my brother Billy.

He did it. He does them sometimes. I don't know if he still does. I'm not going to say that. They probably just smoke pot and stuff now. No, they've gotten crafty. Charlie's a, my brother Charlie likes to drink. He's been drinking since the sixth grade.

Full blown alcoholic. But he doesn't care. That's what he does. He still works, pays his rent. That's it. That's it. There's people just. He's not bothering nobody.

He's not bothering you. And I have nothing against those people at all. I like people who are very honest with themselves. They know what they are. This is what I do. They go to work. They put 25 a week for drinking. Yeah.

In their bank account. They give to the house, whatever they have to contribute. And the rest goes to Charlie's grill. That's right. On the corner. They don't want to go anywhere else. Guess what? You can't get them to go to another bar.

That's right. They don't want to go to another bar. If you have to go to another bar, it's the worst thing in the world. It would kill them. And sometimes they do for a change of pace. On Saturday mornings. They meet the guys who work over at a different bar.

And watch college football. And I don't know. I never put that lifestyle down. I just knew it wasn't for me. It's tough. It's tough. To be very honest, growing up. If I had to think about it,

I probably did put that lifestyle. There's nothing like glamour. To me, there was nothing glamorous about that lifestyle. There was glamour to it for sure. But now like. You grew up in the wrong neighborhood. That's true. But now growing up and seeing.

Just listening to that Elton John song at the beginning. I was never a music person. But now that I've had relationships, you start, you're like, oh, I see what's going on when people listen to music. When you see adults and you're like, you know what, maybe they just. They stay too long at that shitty job.

And this is how they survive. And it's easier to be more empathetic now, I think. I think that it's when somebody accepts their position. Which always has. Shocked me. And at the same time, made me happy. There's people who accept that position. This is what they do.

And this is what they're going to do. And this is how they live. And they're very proud of that. They're very proud of their space. And I give those people all the props and the fuck. All the props. I love people like that. You know, like I had that fuck raise a Vietnam buddy in Boulder.

He lived like in a fucking Vietnam nest. Like he thought he was still in Vietnam. Yeah. He got leaves on the wall and shit. But once I got to know him all those years, it's here it is. When I saw him, I knew who he was. But when I went to his apartment, I really got to know who he was. Like that was the simplest way to break it down.

Like you see what makes people tick. You know what? I don't know. That's the thing. People immediately shut somebody out. Like if they see a guy like that or my friend back home, they immediately go, oh, no, he looks fucked up. We're not going to talk to them no matter what. Their house is all dingy.

Don't talk to them. Those sometimes are the greatest people in the world. They're just going through some shit. They can't get out of a rut, whatever it is. They're not hurting nobody except themselves. Okay. When I come here, before I come here, it depends what route I go. I stop at 7-Eleven.

This 7-Eleven doesn't have cigarettes now until February fucking 18. What? Because they sold fucking cigarettes and underminer. So I got to go over here for my nicotine gum. This point over here is a weird one because there's a lot of homeless people out there. Not that. There's a black guy every time I see him, I throw him a 20. Okay.

Just him. Just him. Well, because you had a conversation with him and you see this. I made a decision about between eight bums. Okay. I hang out there and throw him a 20. Narrowed it down. I understood his journey.

More. In my head, I paint, like there's another guy that takes bottles. So I always give him three bottles and a dollar. Okay. And I have my reasoning with him because he's not looking for money. He's looking for bottles. He's got a bag of bottles. That's all he does is walk around all day and grab fucking recyclable bottles.

I got to respect that guy. Yeah. You know, he's not looking for a handle. Just give me whatever bottles you got in the fucking car. And I see more people give him bottles and a dollar than the guys are just standing out and going, can I have a dollar? Can I have change? Like when I see a kid asking me for change, I come to fuck off.

24 to 43. I come to fuck off. Now I understand mental health. Yeah. Now the black guy I see, I got very many reasons. First of all, he's six foot four to 65. If I'm ever walking in this neighborhood and I got a problem and that fucking on guy. He's going to pick some good word, but you're right.

You can tell he's got the strength of 10 fucking yams. You know what I'm saying? Y'all will be there. He's got the strength of 10 black dudes. And I've spoken to him and I've looked in his eyes. He's got a little bit of mental health. But you want me to tell you what the other part of it is? He just gave up.

He just wanted to be happy. Yeah. I see him walking, smoking a cigarette, listening to music, bouncing. And I go, you know what? I wish I had that happiness. I just woke up in a cave. The ultimate happiness. You know, I just woke up in a cave and I'm worried about my bills.

I'm worried about my daughter. I'm worried about my wife. And there's all good things. But look at that guy. No worries. That guy lives in Southern California in a park around here somewhere. He looks like the wolf man. He dresses up at Denny's because one night I was a dean at Denny's.

The baby likes Denny's once a week. She likes breakfast for dinner. So I got to sit down at the turkey club and I see him come in. And on the way out, I call him over to a table and give him a 20. And the people at Denny's looking at me like, he ain't sitting here. He's on his way, but don't worry about nothing. But at least he knows what my wife and daughter look like. My wife told me one day, I saw him.

I say, I saw your boy and I gave him 10 bucks. I go, why? And she goes, because there's a lot of times I'm walking there, same thing. I got a problem. That's right. I know Tarzan will come over and kill him. I'm surprised you haven't given him your address. Tarzan?

He'll kill him. Those homeless dudes, that dude's got the strength of 10 bears. I have always friends with homeless. Me too. When I first moved to LA, I used to. But I know who's a con man. I know who's a bullshitter. You knew the bullshitter.

There's a kid that hangs out that always knows us from the church. But he's homeless? He's homeless as well. Wow. But I could tell he's just out there drinking. I gave him money one time, but I could tell that the first time he bullshitted me, told me he's trying, blah, blah, blah. He sleeps by the library.

Okay. He breaks into the library gate and he sleeps in there on the floor. Every day when I moved here, I would walk to the comedy store on Sunset, from Sunset Martell to the comedy store. I knew every homeless person. And sometimes when people would donate things to the comedy store, like a lot of comics would bring like old clothes and stuff, and nobody wanted them, I would give them to the homeless guys on the way.

There was one lady and mostly men, there was Mary who used to sit outside rock and roll routes all the time. I got a different homeless guy too, that he lives over on Chandler, and he lives like under that bridge, the tunnel, if you go from Kowenga, I don't know, Tohunga to Colfax, he lives under that little bridge. I don't even know what that bridge is there, but he comes out in the daytime, but he goes into the jungle at night, and he's got a cart with hubcaps. He won't take a dime from you.

Oh. I take them clothes and food, and clothes, so I bring them clothes. Oh, that's interesting, say. I take them clothes and food. Usually it's the other way, they get mad if you don't give them money. No, no, no, no, no, no, he doesn't want nothing from nobody. It's very interesting, the different personality. You don't have to go home at times and go.

If I was homeless, how low would I stoop? Would I fucking go to a shelter? Would I live outside? I mean, if I live in California. I don't know. Well, you can't go to a shelter, you just have to behave. It will kick you out. Yeah, you get there by a certain point, you sign up, but I used to hang out with the homeless

all the time. I used to feel bad when I first moved here, I was really naive, and not naive, but I would feel bad. I was like, how the hell are these people survived? It's so hot. I have no idea. I have no idea. There was the lady Mary, her legs were so swollen from the sun, I used to break my heart.

Then I'd see her at the bank. I'm like, this bitch has a bank account? But you knew she had a family, and she just, like, somehow gave up or whatever the fuck she did. I don't know. I would give him clothes. I remember giving him shoes from my first ex-fiance's brother, who was very wealthy. And he goes, these are my fucking size.

And he threw them down. And I was like, Angelo, what do you want from me? Like, they have nice shoes. They're like top of the line. Put them on. He's like, they're not my size. And he would freak out. But then if I give him a sandwich, he'd be fine.

You know what I mean? Like, never ask me for money. But every time I come around, they go in my trunk and fucking see what I had. Not in a bad way, just to check it out. But they, all of them would go to shelters, except for Barry. She liked to stay outside. I don't know why. You're a Catholic woman, right?

Yeah. And you believe in Bible and stuff. You ever feel like pulling over and just sucking one of their dicks? Okay. Uh, Angelo, it was a handsome guy. Not just a judge. Not just a judge. Just a judge.

One guy had a swollen nut or something. Because maybe they need a nookie cookie. Rather than those homeless guys, maybe they need one of those somethings. I'm sure. Well, how did they do that? That's the other thing. There's only a few homeless women. We gotta take them home, bathe them.

Oh, I gotta bathe? I sure you gotta take them home, give them the extra strength soap. Sometimes. Bring one in to clean the shower after work. In New York, I tried to bring one home. My mom got me. You want me to tell you something? There's one I saw, I totally, I went, whenever I go to Hollywood, I go to that bagel place

across in the griddle on Sunset. They make nice turkey sandwiches. Yes. Yes. It's a very good, good, good Sam. They make a decent sandwich. The bagel, they're all the same, it don't matter. But there was a chicken there, I saw one day that was homeless as fuck and she was a tent.

She was one of those girls that came here. Do you remember the girl that used to go to the comedy store? They used to wear a wig, she was really pretty and she got involved with a bunch of black guys. I think they even, they did something to her at the comedy store one night. Oh, this was a while ago or this is recent? There was a black kid that used to hang out with Eddie Griffin. He wasn't famous, his father was famous, a writer, he had a few shows on the air and

he would come into the store and he had something to do with that guy, they did something to her one night. I feel like I know who you're talking about, Mike. She was really good looking and she would come to the store on Sundays to watch with a wig. She befriended me one night there at the store and we started talking and I think she was really a hooker with mental problems and I would see her on sunset with like different wigs on, every day she had a different wig on.

She might have been out there helping the homeless. It was really weird how many mental health people you come across at the comedy store. Really on Sunday nights, like the people that are really, you have to be nervous about it. What was the kid that they said I threw him out? I never threw him out. They did a documentary about him. Boom chocka-locka?

No. I love boom chocka-locka, the old guy that used to come, do you remember? Crispy chicken, Mickey, there's a million of them, we talk about them all the time on the comedy store podcast. There was one guy that used to come in that used to break my balls. Oh, was it a machine ripped her leg off, Gaylord Dingler? Dingler. Yeah.

A machine ripped her leg off. I had to quit Sundays because I started learning their fucking mental illness acts. Like I would know their stand up in and out. And then they did a documentary about Gaylord Dingler and they thought it was me who killed them. Because somebody said he died. Somebody said Mickey killed him, this older guy, Mickey, who he used to hang out with. And they said he killed him.

He beat him up, he left him for dead. And that wasn't true. He was back with his family. So I don't know who made up that fucking rumor, but they probably blamed you, too. I had a fight with him, not a fist fight. No, I fought with him every fucking night. He would break my balls. Like it was like you would have the list of a comedy store with the names and he would

try to muscle his way out of there. Oh, the fight with that fucking guy? Gaylord, stop it. You're not on the list. You better check that list, man. You better check that list. And I would go, Gaylord, I'm looking at it right now. Find your fucking name and I'll give you five dollars.

It's not on that list. I don't need your fucking list. It's not on that list. And one night we had an argument about something. I told him, Gaylord, get the fuck out. I've had enough of this shit. Like, I've been taking this shit from you for years, you know? You know, he was an older guy.

So I felt a lot older, like not a kid. I felt really bad. And one night I just had a time to go fuck himself and then he would show up to threaten me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He would come up there with a nice one. I don't fucking know. He would always threaten me. And one day I think I grabbed him, something happened.

I told him, I said, you're going to kill me, kill me, but stop lurking up. You get the fuck out of here. And then that was it. I never heard about Gaylord Dingley. I forgot the name. And one day when my space becomes popular, I get a hit on my space. From Gaylord? No, they want to interview me for a documentary about what happened to Gaylord Dingley

that he's missing, that I killed him. I didn't fucking kill nobody. I forget who did it. But yeah, I did with Todd Bunton that did the documentary. Every fucking time something happened at the store, they lit that kid on fire one night. OK. The kid that comes at night, that makes the swat stickers, that goes like this. That was a funny comic and he got into a car accident.

And Mitzi told me he could close out the shows. Oh, Robert William Appervaya. Why? I'm sure. So one night Eddie used to light him on fire all the time. He used to go in the fucking bathroom and they would show paper in the fire. And they would just throw. They would throw paper with fire on it.

And then they lock him in there and he'd be in there. Help, help, help fucking lit him on fire. So many little Nazis are trying to kill me. And he would do the thing with the Nazi. He would go like this, put the little mustache over his neck. He would go like that. Nazis are trying to get me the Nazis. He called me a Nazi one night.

I'm not a fucking Nazi. I'm Cuban. Stop it. I used to get annoyed from these guys. Why are you getting annoyed by someone who has special problems? He's special because I don't need the elevation. Listen, I used to host from eight to 10. No, from 10 to 11 till Dice got there.

Yeah. Then I quit. Then I relinquished my spot. I would put two people up. Dice, you ready? No, I'm sick of hosting. Yeah, I'm ready. Do what I want to do all the night. They'd love it when you do two hours.

Really? Yeah, yeah. Just stand there. Everybody fucking hates him in your life. And have 18 comments up there. Well, I haven't gotten a spot in a year. Waiting for a spot. And I would invite them all up.

But what they didn't know is I was also calling Dice or Eddie Griffin or Rogan and told them to get down there. I got a nice spot for them. They could do two or three hours. And these guys would be waiting. I'm going up. Eddie would do three hours. They'd bring their families and everything.

And I would bring fucking Eddie down there. Are there still comics out there who blame you for like, Joey didn't let me go? Well, they wouldn't blame Joey. They'd link Dice or Eddie. There's a woman that still walks around till today and says that she missed her cable show because I wouldn't switch spots with her.

And it's her career's over. Shut your, I just ran into her. I can't believe you brought her name up. I haven't seen her. And I don't even know how many mother's... I still hear it from people. And Char Char Sandoval said because you would switch spots with her, she didn't get a spot in a major league TV show.

I love people. She wants me to do her show. And I am going to do it and then bring her up that she would have been gigantic if Joe Diaz did not. Had switched. Had switched spots. She would have been the biggest comic. Guys, if things wouldn't have worked out as they did,

I would have left here and said, you know what? Listen, I got into Spider-Man too. I got into the longest show and I proved my point. I did a couple of shows. I got into the stand-up. I got into the Missy shows. But what ruined my life was doing drugs. Like that was it.

I'm not going to lie to you. And at times I still feel like I've done more. But those first 17 years of doing coke in the beginning then, you know, I accept my fate. But that's an amazing bounce back, by the way. But no, no, even if we got to remember, I booked a long this year. Coked up to the gills.

With an impediment. I booked Spider-Man too. Coked up to the gills. All those things, coked up to the gills. And nobody do nothing. Following Rogan and Paul Moody at the store. That's right. Not coked up to the gills, but you know,

afterward I get coked up to the gills. But. But yeah, you did a lot considering. If you ask me what happened, Joey, when I'm 85, when I live in a fucking bedroom apartment and kids, you know, kids throw a ball behind your backyard, you're like, wait a second. Weren't you one of my favorite movies?

And you show them your movie posters, you know. You still live in nostalgia. You know, it's like, have you ever gone to that sag place up in Woodland Hills where old people live? Corp that dog. Corp that. And say you want to do an interview. You'll be there for two years.

Because those old people, that's all they want to do is talk. They're actors from the fucking 40s. That's a great idea. They got stories to tell. They'll tell you about the Formosa when they blew John Wayne. Yeah, the sexual assault has a way of life. Well, yeah, it was a sexual assault was a way of life here. You know, they got stories up there.

So can you imagine, it's like bumping into your grandfather and him wanting to tell you. And if a kid looked me in the face and said, Mr. Diaz, do you think you could have been as big as Louis C.K.? What were the reasons why you didn't? I'd say to be honest, one more reason. Because all that shit I did all those years, you know, it just, plus I was 32 when I moved.

There was a lot of variables. And in fact, it really doesn't matter. There's a lottery anyway, but. If you sit there and saying it's a cable show, that's a fucking problem. That's a fucking problem. That's a mental block. I was thinking of Danny Stone the other day.

Bless his soul. I think he died. Rest his soul. Yes, he did. Danny Brown, I saw Danny Stone. I saw Danny Stone was a comic at the comedy store. He only did Rodney. That was there through all those years.

He did a great Rodney impression. And that was his whole act. And that was his whole act, but he was a good looking guy. He was Dayton Mitzy when I first met him. Here's the beauty of that guy. He would look you straight in the face and tell you that Rodney ruined his career. So I would sit there and go, so wait a second.

So Rodney called every comedy club individually and said, not to hire you because you did an impression of him. That's all he did. That's all he did. But it doesn't matter. Rodney's not gonna take the time to call across the country to go,

hey, don't hire him no more because he's doing an impression of me. But nobody's gonna hire him because that's all he does. There's no segues. There's nothing. There's no hire him because he did coke all the fucking time. Well, that too.

That's why they didn't hire him. You have to be honest with yourself as a standup. You have to be honest with yourself as an individual. Why am I not getting the opportunities to these guys are getting? I got the opportunities. I got them. I just blew them.

I just blew them. That was it. At least be honest. But don't sit there and blame it on. Well, Jewel came out with a song that year. And I went to a party and I called her a client and now nobody wants to hire me. That's a lie.

It's all bullshit. They caught fucking what's his name in a suit, jerking off with a Batman suit on. And look, now he's winning Academy Awards on these Iron Men. This town forgives, number one. This town forgives a lot, unless you... If you have what to back it up with.

If you have something to back it up with. And if you're sincerely apologetic and get help. Yeah. They don't give a fuck. I can't wait for Louis Special to come out. You think? Oh, absolutely. He's working out already, correct?

I don't know about that, but I heard he's been showing up to clubs. I believe it would happen. It's all he could do. It's all he knows how to do other than be creepy. And do that kind of shit. And I thought, I hadn't heard any allegations against Louis

for a long, long time. So I just assumed he was getting help. His wife left him, shit happened in his life. Yeah, he was succeeding, but at the same time, I thought he was getting help. And then everything comes out and his career goes away. So I think, like Louis's defense, he got away from Becky.

And I don't think Becky did anything wrong. Truly, is that weird of me to say? What I think is Louis got to him first. You know what I mean? Like when that happened in Aspen and those girls went running to tell, hey, he did this in his room, we were sitting there with clothes and whatever,

they went, they fucking told like you're supposed to do. Everybody got like, oh, we're going to fucking march for you. And then when Louis got to Becky first and he said, these girls, I tried to fuck around with them. They didn't want to. Now they're fucking trying to ruin my marriage. He didn't tell him specifically what he did.

I'm positive he didn't. Especially that first time, because for somebody to go out on a limb to defend you like that, if he did something that stupid, you know what I mean? You would want to keep it real quiet. He made a stink, Becky.

He fucking yelled at everybody. Too bad Louis's doing this. You're trying to ruin his marriage. Knock at the fuck off. You know what I mean? Maybe later he caught on Becky, but I don't think he's an accomplice. Like they're like, his career should go.

Louis should go. This one should go. You know what I'm saying? What he did was creepy, Louis. He's fucking gulped. I want to know the names of the agents that sent all those girls to Harvey Clinton. You know, Harvey Weinstein.

Right. They're pimps. They're fucking, they know exactly what was happening. You know, it was great. The morning after the fucking Golden Globes, they posted all these pictures of Harvey Weinstein and Oprah and him kissing her. Oh, please.

These people are disgusting. If you're listening at home and you live in Ohio or whatever. Yes. And you're sitting there going, one day I'm going to move to California. Listen to me. Stay where you are.

They're all scumbag. At least you have humans around you. At least these people have feelings. They look at you in name, you know. I have dealt with criminals that have more decency. Yes. These fucking people I deal with on a daily basis. I trust them as far as I can throw them.

I don't give a fuck. I keep doing the podcast. I keep doing my stand up. I do what I can control. Not what they can do. Yeah. And that's it. I agree.

That's it. I mean, I think I'm thrilled that women are standing up for themselves and being heard. Absolutely. Some people are going a little too crazy with it. But, and it's undermining the real fucking problems that we need. Like this Aziz Azari shit.

Did you read that one? I'm not a big fan of his, but that's just a bad date, bitch. You got to learn. That's just, you fucked up. You made a bad decision. You sucked a dick. You're blowing an Indian.

Twice. Once you suck a dick. That's twice. Twice. Nobody forced you to do anything. Listen, once you suck a dick, if I do a reach around and stick it in your asshole or finger in your ass.

We're in the middle of something. You didn't give me permission. Yeah. Oops. Yeah. Fucking flinch. You know what I mean? Cut it.

Well, I knew this was going to happen. Listen, I don't know. I'm a way different person than who I was 40 years ago. Of course. I'm a way different person than who I was 30 years ago. And I'm a way different person than who I was 20 years ago. You cannot come out of the woodwork now and say that 22 years ago I took it to a hotel

and put a coke rock in your pussy or something like that. You cannot. You cannot. That was me then. This is now. I don't buy it. You know, so Dustin Hoffman wanted a foot rub in 1978 or whatever the fuck it is.

Yeah. Put his foot in somebody's crotch. Okay. That I cannot live with. That I can listen. Somebody does something to you. Raise your fucking hand. If you're not fearful, then it wasn't all that bad.

If I put a knife on you, Alan, and you make it out of the unicorn knife on one unicorn injury. I would never call 911. You're gonna call your brother. You're gonna call somebody. They would all be here. Same thing with Lee.

I pull a gun on Lee and I'm gonna shoot you. Lee runs out of here, calls the cops. What's the difference when I put my dick on you? Oh, why? Because I'm in a position of power. This has been going on for centuries. That's what we were just saying about those sag ladies. They're whatever those people.

You know what? I feel bad for all these people, but I feel bad for Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn Monroe, they passed her around like a fucking piece of bread. You know like when you were on Italian dinner and they get the bread and passed her around? They passed her around like a piece of fucking bread dog.

And they do this to all these girls. They know this shit. They know who's hot. They know who's nut. You know, when Dean, when Harvey Weinstein calls the black dude and the director, they got in trouble together. What's their names?

Are you talking about Woody Allen? No, the other director. Ratner and the black boy. Ratner? Okay, whatever his name is. It doesn't matter. When he calls him up and says, oh, you're having a party.

Who's going? Oh, this one, this one. Oh, she's gonna be that little cocksucker. You know, they've been doing this for years. Sure, I remember his parties. And I want the list of the chicks that did suck his dick together moving. Yeah.

You know, that's what I do want. That's what I'm interested in. And aren't complaining. And at the end of the fucking road, I think half these chicks sucked his dick. You saw the tapes of them thanking, we all saw them. We live in this hypocrite, this city right here is a walking fucking hypocrisy.

We see it in people we don't know. We see it amongst the people we do know. And it's such a hypocritical city that it makes you sick to your stomach. If you have a heartbeat or if you were raised with any type of fucking, if you were raised in any type of normal environment, this is all out of whack to you.

It's out of whack to me. But the thing is like, I don't like when people say it only exists in Hollywood. It doesn't. It does exist everywhere. There's creeps everywhere. You know what I mean? I have a friend, he's like,

there's a pedophilia only in Hollywood. Only in Hollywood. I'm like, dude, we go to church every Sunday. Two of our priests, we're all, you know what I mean? It's fucking everywhere. I'm just saying, pay attention, look out, raise your kids, fucking make them be aware.

My mom told us about that shit when we were kids. She also told us nobody wanted us. So don't flatter yourself. Nobody's trying to finger you in the back of the head. Remember when you were a kid, your mom has to sit you down. And your dad has to sit you down, you're a daughter. Especially a daughter.

And talk to you again, and talk to you again, and bring it up again. And I've never heard of things till I left North Carolina. I never heard of such things. You know, the girls, the parents, where I grew up, the parents were tight with the girls, the girls were always watching. You know, I grew up very naive.

There was a lot of girls I went to high school with, and I never fucked, and I heard now was sucking dick with three hands and six straight, you know. I'm the dude that always showed up to- Those are good girls. Yeah, I'm the one that always showed up that nobody wanted to fuck after they fucked 18 guys.

They already fucked 18 guys, and now they went to church, ate the cookie, now they're gonna change. Now I decide to take them out on a date, you know what I'm saying? The week they don't want to suck dick no more. The week I take them on a date. Joey. No, no, no, no, no.

But it's, But it's true, it's like, we grew up a different way. I mean, I was fortunate I had five older brothers, you know what I mean? And we were tight, and they would tell me, you know, if somebody does this to you, punch them in the fucking face. Like-

It will come in 10 minutes. Yeah, you don't need to go to the cops, just come tell us, we'll kill the whole family. You got 10 fucking minutes. We're all of shovels, we're fine. I don't, you know, and they will all, listen, even the actors, there's girls that, every actor goes to a city for something.

It happens everywhere. Yeah, yeah. Where you go, and there's- There's a little more entitlement here. There's a little more entitlement here, but when you go to Minneapolis, and you're in a hotel, and there's a girl there that is a fan of yours,

or is a fan of something you do, you know how easy it is to take advantage of that girl, 10 years younger than you, if you're a movie star, and they've all done it. Yeah. They've all done it. That's why they're all hiding right now. They're hoping these girls forget.

They're hoping these girls forget it was too long ago, everybody goes to a town. Yeah. Some innocent girl comes up to you. Have you really been on TV? And right away, it removes everything. Oh, yeah. They put you on a different type of pedestal,

and you take your dick out, and they suck it. I mean, it's fucking, you know. Same, it happens to me all the time. You were saying earlier that this town can be forgiving, and I think it can, but to me, what I've learned since being here is that they'll forgive you, and this could be everywhere, but it's all about money.

You're a beautiful man. There you go. You just gotta be forgiving, and you have to show up and then below. That's right. You have to be forgiving. You have to put money in their pocket again so they understand they're forgiving.

You know, in 1993, or 1995, I was not charged. I was accused of sexual harassment. Okay. A girl in a comedy club said I grabbed her ass. I did not say that. Fine and dandy. I took it like a man. I knew my intentions weren't bad.

She was running towards me, and I jumped and grabbed her ass, you know, like when she jumped. Got it. If you've ever been to Denver comedy work, she'd walk upstairs. She ran down the stairs. She was like, Joey, and she jumped,

and I held on to her ass. She did not complain. A manager there, that was also a comic at my level. Me and him were running neck and neck. He saw it, pulled her aside, and said to her, you should press charges for Joey. There was no charges pressed. They told the club manager, and I was banned for life.

One of the best things that ever happened to me, because I had to decide what I wanted to do, was why stay in Denver with two shitty clubs, when you can't do the comedy works, then it's no fun. Yeah, yeah. And I had to make a decision, and I got the fuck out of there. 20 years later, I met that fucking festival.

Wow. The big festival with Dave Chappelle, and she's there, and she goes, how are you? Wendy. The Aspen? No, the other one. Hardball. Hardball.

And Wendy comes up to me, she goes, how are you doing? Wendy's great. Do you hate me? And I go, no, as a matter of fact, I love you, because if you were to throw me out, I would've still been in bold to humping it, being a fucking stiff. She goes, what do you mean?

And I explained my situation. Like, you didn't know that I was going through that time. I was going through a war with my ex-wife, and right now I was ready to kill her. So you were the only thing that kept me alive. You throwing me out of the club made me who I am today. I never sexually harassed nobody. If I would've done that, you would've heard it a thousand times.

She goes, you're absolutely right. Have your age and call me, get a date for me. There you go. Money talks and bullshit walks. That's right, because she knows you're gonna bring money into the club. And she knows what I did was bullshit. It was bullshit, and I said it 20 years ago,

but I didn't have a life to stand on. It was part of the bad luck that I was going through. I was going through a bunch of bad things at the time, divorce, no money, I was getting taken to court, I was frustrated because of comedy, I was broke. That was part of the fucking thing that toughened me up. And look, it proved it. I'm not fucking sexual, so I'll tell you to your face,

I want to think of you. And that's right, you're very open. And that's the thing, we work in comedy clubs, like at the Comedy Star, I can remember being in a meeting about sexual, they have to give the pamphlets out, like, hey, if this happens during work, the HR people, but Comedy Star doesn't really have HR people, but especially back when we were dead years.

And I remember they were handing out things and the poor manager was trying to read the fucking pamphlet out loud like this, if this happens, because the guy was there watching to make sure we had the meeting. And as they were doing the meeting, we were all standing in the kitchen. And I was like leaning with my ass out

where that servant's entrance is in the kitchen. And one of the comics came in and right in the middle of this fucking speech, he smacks me right in the ass and he goes, what's up, Eleanor? Eddie Griffin. It was, no, it was Dave Tyree, same shit. And so, I love Dave, but I stood up and I went, I think this meeting's over.

Okay, hi Dave, I just came on. And we laughed so hard, he had no idea what the fuck we were doing. He just thought we were just, why is everybody standing in the kitchen? But he hit me so hard, it just vibrated through the whole fucking room. It was the best day.

We had a blast. So it was like, what, is that a sexual assault? No, that's funny. That's comedy. Enough, I mean, we knew each other. We were very good friends. I had a girl at Flappers telling me the last time I saw you grabbed my pussy

and I looked at her and I'm like. You see, now if he did that, you're like, oh. No, I didn't grab this girl. No, but if he grabbed somebody. I looked at her face and I said, first off, I didn't grab your pussy. And number two, don't fucking ever repeat something that fucking stupid.

This had to be about two years. It was right after mercy, he was born. Oh, Jesus. I went up to Flappers one night and she was the social media girl. Okay. I was very nice to her, it was me and Jim Jeffries. I'm there for you.

Okay. We were talking to her the whole night. And I guess she gets hammered. And somewhere in her hammered mind, she said I grabbed the pussy and I was like, no, I don't, don't ever repeat that. Yeah, that's terrible. I don't even fucking know you.

And we ended up becoming friends and shit. She ended up working at the store for a while. She quit that too. Sarah, Sarah dresses. Oh, yeah. Sarah, that's how I became friends with her. Yes, I like her, but yes, she definitely has some mental. Yeah, some problems.

Yeah. She's funny too. She's real fucking funny. I feel bad because I wish I saw her more because she's one, you know, you root for these women that are fucking really funny, not just women who are like, I'm a woman and nobody hires me

and that's why I'm not working. No bitch, we need fucking hardcore funny comics out there. You know, that they're really getting together this thing against the store. And it's all these women that couldn't get arrested in fucking Sin City. And they torment the store. They look at the lineups every night

and they send themselves messages. I'm fucking furious with it, yeah. And it's first off, it's women that wouldn't get spotted at the store. And the good thing about me is I stole all those lineups from when I was a regular in the fucking 90s and 2000s. Good for you. It was the same about the women in the lineups

when Mitzi was dead. I do believe Mitzi worked with more, because this is the thing, Mitzi did the main room and she did it as a variety show. So if you notice in the main room, it would be Janice Hart opening, I don't even know if you remember that name. These are like the 90s.

And then it would be Argus in the 915 spot, 915 crossed the board, Argus Scott. And then it would be another Monica Gaines who was more of a character kind of a thing. And it was kind of like the warm-up. And then it would go Caponera, Mulroney, Mooney, like that kind of, it would get into the stand-up stand-ups. Sherry Shepherds, Reethan Jones, you know what I mean?

They were, and they used to complain, Sherry and Reeth used to complain, we're at the back of the lineup and it's because we're black. And it's like, no, no, like look at what's happening. Like it's, it's a variety show. Val Pappas, they were singing, they did weird characters. You know what I mean?

And that's what Mitzi saw that big main room as. She wanted it to be a variety show. And nobody ever got it. I knew it because I was her assistant. So she would fucking tell me on a regular basis. So then when the girls, Paulie got mad at Monica Gaines, he was like, you believe my mom still books that shit? And so Monica stopped coming.

Val Pappas, they just got older. It just became a weird thing and it just faded out. And then Sherry and Reeth and moved up because those kind of things faded out and it became a regular comedy list. You know what I mean? There was no more singers and dancers and bullshit. And not that it's bullshit.

They were funny. They did a great job. It was just not what you want to see. The black kid, James Stevens the third. James Stevens the third, Paul Mooney called him, yes. The other guy that used to sing that's still in Vegas, good looking black guy. Finis Henderson.

Finis Henderson. Beautiful voice. Beautiful voice. She loves that kind of bullshit. Yes, she liked that. That was her thing for a main role. That was her variety show. And then the original room.

Was your Rickas, your May-May-All-Ease. You know, they were Mitzi's babies, Tommy Davidson. And it was a mix of every. And then upstairs, the belly room. Belly room was at that point when I got there was already into the bringer kind of thing. Not bringer, but produce shows, outside produce shows. And Mitzi did prefer it if you were a paid regular

who wanted to run a certain show up there. But early, she put all the women up there to get them ready to come down, to make them strong. A farm team, yes. And then what happened was, they got so popular up there that like LaBeau and those guys would go up there and be like, hey man, we wanna be up here. Cause she would put the overflow from the original room

in the belly room, the paying customers. So then the girls would perform for them and the room got so hot, they were like, now we'd rather stay up here. This is great. And they wouldn't go downstairs. So it got hot and all the fucking guy comics were like, we wanna come up here.

So Mitzi started weeding them in and it just happened naturally. But she didn't want them to get buried down there. It wasn't that she didn't like women. People always say that, oh, Mitzi wasn't for women. Bullshit. Yes, she was. Bullshit.

Bullshit, fuck you. She did the women of the comedy store. She did it on the Playboy channel for years. Tamayo Otsuki, nobody in their right mind would have taken a shot on Tamayo Otsuki. No, nowhere in the world. She barely spoke English. And Mitzi was halfway had her to being a superstar,

but she's a little bit of a mental patient. So that didn't work out. But she was up there. She was climbing up. She always had women shows. Always, always, always. Do you remember when that chick used to, and when I first got there,

she used to have the chick that would show up and have the pajama parties. What was her name? She had a show on USA late in the- Oh. Rhonda Sheer. Rhonda Sheer. Billionaire, by the way.

You'd fucking sit there and watch all these hot broads walk past you with pajamas on. I'm wearing her sports bra right now, as we speak. Going into the main room, and she would have a night with Rhonda Sheer ladies and they would fucking drink in there and giggle. Did she do it on the Playboy channel or something? She did something.

Somewhere. She did something. But it's real interesting how every time I talk to a woman and look at the spots, there's not that many spots for women to- First of all. I see Eleanor there. I see the chick that's a spark for you.

Punky Johnson's my favorite. Sarah Tiana, as I'm assuming is the- Yeah. First of all, we have a ton of female comics. I see Jessica- Jessica Michelle Singleton. Jessica Michelle Singleton, terrific. We have a ton of female comics.

They're all working. Morgan Murphy, Fortune Femes, they're on the road. All the fucking time. Alley Wong. Alley Wong, she's out on the road. She's working. When a girl is good- Is she not pregnant or pregnant?

Yeah. She might be in labor right now, actually. Really? No, she's on her second kid for sure. But the last time I saw her, she was, I forget how long, far along she was. And I wanna thank, I wanna congratulate Christine Pizinski. Christina Pizinski, one of our other favorites.

Tom, get ready to go on the road and sit there till your ass grows roots. You won't even come, be coming home on Mondays and Tuesdays no more. Cause you don't know what's worse, coming home to two kids and a wife that hasn't seen daylight in a month or being on the road constantly.

You just bought yourself a key to hell. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Make sure you cap out at two, man. Cap out at two. Oh my God, cause one is tough. One, you could, I could go on the road and she could leave for the weekend. Yeah.

Two, you don't wanna volunteer for that job as a man. You know what? I guess I'm going to Des Moines. Yeah. Fuck this. Where's the, where's, yeah, that, that, that kid's shit is fucking tough. That's tough.

And that's another thing, by the way, for anybody, male or female, if you're a decent parent, to do this business and be a parent, like Tom and Christina have it mapped out. Maped out. Maped out. But that was for one fucking kid. Well, yeah, now they got a little.

That's a motherfucker's motherfucker. Her special was great that she just did Christina. His was great that just came out last week, yeah. And they'll just keep working, they work together, but that's how strong you have to be to get on those lineups. The comedy store is like McDonald's. Everybody serves shit meat,

but they always pick on McDonald's. They're the problem, McDonald's. They go to any other fast food, it's the same shit, right? So if you go to the comedy store and you're saying, I'm not seeing any women, go to the lab factory. It's all men, fine, fuck it. Once in a while, I get in there, Kate Quigley is a few, but we have more spots at the comedy store to give out

because we have more rooms. Jamie only has the one little fucking room. So if you notice, his lineups are men, but it's fucking big working comics. And they put asses in the seats. And at the end of the day, this is a fucking business. And if you're gonna put an asses in the seats, you ain't getting spots, fucker.

That's just how it works. You know what I mean? Like if you look at our lineups at the store, it's you, it's Rogan, it's Neil Brennan, it's fucking Tom Segora, it's- Delia. Delia, it's Ian Edwards, it's, I mean, Steve Byrne, it's fucking, you gotta be beating the shit

when you get on that lineup. Like if I get a spot at 12, 15, the person before me and after me is killing that room. If you're not killing that fucking room, you ain't get on. That's just how it goes. And the older female comics that are really bashing the store right now and really coming after the talent coordinator, fuck you is what I say to you.

Because some of these girls that are complaining, women, whatever the fuck, haven't even been out. Bitch, you haven't been to an open mic in 10 years. You haven't been booked on a regular show in years. And now you want to jump in the fucking middle of the line. You think you can follow Diaz? No bitch, you can't, that's crazy. You think you can follow Rogan?

You can't, they can't follow Jessica Michelle Singleton. And she's fucking terrific. You know what I mean? That's what I'm saying. The people you haven't heard of and the people you heard of are all slinging because you can't go up at those hours and not bring it. If you're not bringing it, you will be boxed out.

That's just how it is. Where's Tony Bennett? I got a piece. He's so angry. All right. I love it, I love it. He's so cute. I wanna be around to pick up the pieces

when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody, twice as smart as I. Or somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company? Wait and see. I mean, I wanna be around

to see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits. Let's see if the puzzle fits so fine. And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet. As I sit down. Are you fucking kidding me? From the front row seat. There you go, cock suckers.

I don't know what I'm carrying. What are you day telling me? I know you're gonna be in Big Bad Jersey. Big Bad Jersey, Point Pleasant, New Jersey, I'll be there. Uncle Vinny's fucking comedy fucking club. Fuck yeah, Uncle Vinny's, it's in Point Pleasant, New Jersey,

and it's February, I'm sorry, January 31st, February 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. Nice and cold. Super Bowl week, nice and cold. I'll be in South Philly for the Super Bowl. Nice and cold, no fucking sand. The Eagles will beat the Patriots. Oh, shit.

I'll punch somebody in the fucking face. There's some fighting words in this fucking studio. Look, the lead turn's so ready, you might even need a mushroom, mind about that. I'll also be at the Talking Stick in Arizona this Saturday with Andrew Dice Clay. Good for you, man. Look, when you, I gotta ask you a question,

when you got into comedy, I could tell that the women's fact never even came into your mind. I don't even think about it. You don't even think about it. It's like, it ruins you. Like, it's, I don't not get what it's like when I got here, oh, Joe,

you're gonna be a great Latino comic. What if I didn't want to be a Latino? Right. What if I just wanted to be a fucking comic? You know, Lee and I go to this fourth wall comedy, open mic, right down the bar. Oh, you're kidding. Five hours for five minutes.

Oh, that's great. Is that, ha, ha? No, something different. No, no, down the corner of Burbank. Guy Joe, cool guy, you know, and you go in there, you sign up for five minutes, you walk, you have to sit and watch everybody. Oh, yeah.

45 minute show, so you support, which is fucking great, so people just don't do that time and leave. And like I was telling Lydia that Lee, every time I go up, the guy goes, I don't know why this guy comes here. Like when he brings me up, he goes, I don't know why this guy comes here.

He doesn't need to come up here. It's the best. And people don't know that when you do an open, like those open mics, like remember when, what's one of those fights? They took Rocky back to a shitty gym. Oh, yeah. Like Rocky got real rich.

He was at home with Mary's. Yeah, Rocky 3. We want you to see the eyes. These were your eyes look like when he walked in, there was a bunch of angry black motherfuckers. Ugly, you know, like white fucking people who are angry and shit or broke, who just ate a shoelace for lunch.

You know, they had hot, they got a shoelace, they got a shoelace for dinner. And they had to split it because they had to eat it for lunch. They got so hungry. And that's why I go there. I go there and I told Lee that I went there for three weeks in a row with Lee

and I came up with a conclusion that going through those open mics reminded me that what I was thinking about then is happening now. Yeah. That's so fucked up, Eleanor. Like all those rooms when I was in an open mic and I'd go home at night and do coke and cry, like someday I'm gonna be good enough to play the belly room.

Like I would cry at night, Eleanor, because I wanted it so bad. Just, and I didn't want to be a star. I didn't want to be on TV. I just wanted the recipe to be funny. That's what everybody misses. And that's why I like that open mic. It's a great open mic.

But I also see that people always are chasing the wrong thing. Like they're chasing. I can't wait to be at the comedy store. I can't wait to be on TV. I can't wait. Let's just go for being fucking funny. It's a real symbol. What a fucking great idea.

Being funny. You know what that means? You could be funny in Iowa. You could be funny in Idaho. You could be funny in fucking North Dakota. People are looking at you like, but we're in California. But why don't you try to be funny there?

Then come back. Yeah. And then come back. Learn the butt, nuts and bolts. But by going there, that's what it gave me that. Like I see women there. And I really want to hug them. Yeah.

Like the women, there's the chick from Alaska, Reno. The drug addict chick. The red headed. Then there's this big tall white chick that's cooler than fuck. She's such a good girl. She doesn't know how funny she really is. You know, she's fucking hilarious.

They're hilarious young comics. Yeah. And Felipe sat here one day and said that when he first did his first open mic, that fucking all the people who were in the room doing open mics also, Lonzo Bowden and. Right. And you go to those places

and you're like three out of the 20 people that's sitting here are gonna be fucking Dean Cooke's, Dane Cooke's, you know, they're gonna be Joe Rogan's. They're gonna be Paul Moody. They don't know it yet. Yeah. It's tough to sell it to them, you know? Yeah.

Cause it's a dream. But the thing is, you're right. They chase like, I gotta do this. Yeah. I hear people saying if I don't get into the comedy store, I'll never, I'll never be successful. And I'm like, you're, you're looking at it completely wrong because you're one, you're not even working at your craft.

You're just hanging out here. You should be on stage two, three times a night. Even if it's, if you don't have the $5 to go up. I mean. Listen, there's rooms everywhere. There's rooms everywhere. If you want to get on stage, there are rooms everywhere.

When I lived in Boulder, guys, there was an open mic on Tuesdays and there was an open mic on Mondays. You don't know any poetry readings. I snuck in and got chased out. You don't have any karaoke rooms. I snuck in and got chained up to, do you know any rooms I went and just proposed people,

comedy and they would go up there and do 10 minutes and I just bomb and they go, call me in a week. That meant don't ever fucking even come on this block again. Don't. Yeah. Create your own momentum when you're doing standup. And everybody always waits for somebody else to create their own momentum.

I have to give you something to work with. Yeah. Or you have to give them something to work with. That's the only way I could help you is by giving me, you know, people contact and they go, I got six minutes. That's great. You know, silver's down, call the long range.

You know what I'm saying? You got six minutes. What do you want from me? You got to get 40 minutes that I could trim 10 off. Yeah. And then we can work on the road together and you can do feature work and it's not that easy. People think in comedy that it's a little saving.

Well, if I can do a guest set with Joe Diaz, the tonight show beyond stage, what are you talking about? Joe Diaz is a hard time chewing and fucking walking and bubblegum at the same time. And you want to fucking latch onto the wagon. There's no wagon here. There's no wagon. You got to get your own wagon

and you got to throw it yourself sometimes. That's what everybody understands that. Yeah. It's like, I don't know who it was. I think by the third woman I had to put on the podcast, I started getting hate mail on Gmail. You're kidding. Oh yeah.

Oh, you mean because they're complaining or? Yeah, they shouldn't have woman and I was like, guys, these fucking women have stories. You should admire them more than the guys because women go through 10 times the bullshit guys go. Oh, sure. Because they all get called into the back office. Come on in, let me help you.

Oh my God, really? You're willing to do this? And they're just playing you to see if you're gonna suck that dick. They're all Harvey Weinsteins. All those comedy bookers. When you come in there fresh tiddied with no experience, they try to bust that hymen as fast as they can.

Then they realize you're not gonna give it up and then they put you to the bottom of the list. And then the girls are like, this is bullshit just because they didn't suck it's dick. Bitch, you know what he wanted. You know what he wanted. You know what he wanted? To never give them an inch.

You know, they talk about all these actresses that have suffered fucking female comics, get tormented. That's true. How do I know? I tormented a few myself. No. Well, I actually wanted to talk to you Eleanor because you've been doing comedy

ever since I moved to LA seven years ago. Okay. But you started as a waitress at the store and I started working with Joey years ago because I was a fan of comedy but I never wanted to do comedy. Like what made you make the jump from like working at the store to try and comedy?

Well, at the store, I would fuck around in the kitchen, you know, hold court, talk a lot of trash. That's what we used to, and everybody would say you should be doing standup but here's the thing that happens in Iowa to a lot of people. So I'd be like, I don't want to do standup. I don't want to, I'm here for something different.

I want to be a real actress. I don't want to be, you know. And so I never want, I had no interest in doing standup comedy. Do you remember the night me, you and Mitzi were standing in the back and I was telling her a story about calling the cops on a bird the first time I ever called cops in my life.

And you said, tell Mitzi about you, tell Mitzi what you did. And I started to tell Mitzi a story and I was, and she looked at me and she went, at it, get to the punchline. I almost shit my pants. I wasn't a comic, but I knew the fear of Mitzi sure. And when you tell a fucking story,

get to the point bitch, right? Like so, and that's who I was under the tutelage of kind of, but I didn't realize it. So yeah, when Freddie Soto passed away, I think that was the break, like everything became clearer. Like what are you doing? Why aren't you following a dream? Cause he really would break my balls all the time

to do standup. And I'm like, why and go on the road and be miserable? Like, you know, I would just break his balls back. I never thought of it. But then when I started doing it, it was more like a one woman show to me. I wasn't thinking like, oh, I'm doing standup cause I watched the greatest standups in the world

for 12 years. Some of the worst too, by the way. Some of the most horrendous standups you've ever seen in your life come through the comedy store as well. Not just the best. So you see every side of it when you're not wanting to be in it. You know what I mean?

Like as a waitress. So when after Freddie passed, I was like, I left my second ex fiancee. That was Dice, sorry Dice. And started doing this one woman show. And then Dice came to see it. And he was like, you're doing standup stupid. And he took me on the road with him.

And that was it. I got raped in, if you will. Is that the wrong word to use? Did you say rake or raped? Rape. Well, also because three months in, he took me on the road and the nerve of me to be opening for Dice three months under my belt.

But I took the gig because I was like, oh, he convinced me that this could work. And in California, they were so nice to me. And we had that show on VH one at the time. They were so cool to me. They were like, Eleanor, but we love you from the show. But then when we got to New York, that shit got canceled.

And nobody knew me from the show. And they were there and we were at, not Madison Square Garden, Westbury Music Fair, a theater in the round in Long Island. Have you ever done that one? No. And so it's in the round.

And I go out and as soon as I say I'm from Philly, you know, New York, they're like, fuck you, fuck the Phillies, fuck the Eagles. And I'm like, fuck you. Like, I remember being so mad. Like, I'll fucking fight everybody in here. And my sister Karen drove up from South Philly to watch me

and they're booing and they're fucking chanting all kinds of crazy shit. And I'm so new. Like, I don't know how to handle it. I think I got a few like good lines in, like somebody says that, where's Dice? And I was like, he's up my ass. You want to tickle his feet?

I think that was the only. And then I remember catching eyes with my sister and she like put her hands up like, what do you want to do? I'm gonna fight this whole fucking room. I'll fight Long Island right now. I'm not afraid. Cause she's just like me, but she's 10 years older. But she's like nutty.

And so he didn't hire me on the road for like a year cause he said, go get good if you really want to do this. And that's what I did. Cause getting booed off the stage really kicked my ass. I mean, when you get booed from the front, the side and the back, that's tough. What'd you feel after it? Oh, it was, I remember on stage being sweating so bad

that my bra had a cute little half bra on under my shirt. It slid down. So it was like tumors on my stomach. I was like, fuck, I gotta get out of here. I did a full six minutes too. Like that nerve of me to stay out there. But I remember feeling like, fuck this, I'm fucking better than that.

I can do this. For some reason it didn't make me want to get out of it. And when I called my family to kind of vent, they were like, so what? They boo everybody. Everybody gets booed in the beginning. Like they were just like, who cares? Keep doing it.

And the next night I went on at the state theater in Jersey and got booed again. So you're right. It didn't hurt as much as the first night, but it was there. And then that's when Dice made the decision like, all right, I'll take you out again, but I need you to go get better. So it was about a year.

I just did every, I was working at a furniture store and I did every open mic everywhere. I think I did every show. I did the M bar, I did Marty's, you could pay for it. It's $5 or something like that for five minutes on our side. I think it's sunset and fuller. Right, right, right, right. So Marty's, I would be there all the time.

Comedy store, on Sunday nights, Adam Barnhart used to let me run the sound or the lights and then he would put me up. So that was an extra spot. And then I would get on downstairs. Like it was just fucking hustling. And then I got better. I got, I wasn't great in the beginning. I had beginner's luck when he saw me and had a good set,

you know, and then I got ripped to shreds right there in New York. That was pretty tough. But every time I go back to Long Island, I have the fucking best sets. I'll never bomb there again. See, I would know that Long Island, I know it. Well, I booked in Nashville one year.

I didn't even fucking go to Tennessee. Not even, if the plane broke down and I was sinking, I'd parachute into somewhere else. Shut up, really? Anywhere I bombed early on, I just avoided. I'm like, that's never gonna happen. That was my way of fucking, you know. Somebody videotaped it and they put it on.

It was my space at the time. I was so fucking pissed. And then Dice found it and he put it on his myspace page and he said, see, I told you it was hard to open for me. I'm like, you motherfucker. Why would you, he goes, I just want people to see it's hard to open for me. I go, yeah, I know it is.

But they put two veteran comics on before me. Took a 15 minute intermission and then I went out. Yeah, it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my fucking life, yes. But why would you put it back out there? You go, and then I don't know who took it down, but somehow it went down. When Dice came to you and said to you

that he wanted you to take a year off, did it bother you at all? Yeah, yeah, cause I was like, fuck, I failed. I didn't do it right. And then he would come see me still though. He saw that I was working. He was still coming to the store. He would still, you know, show up in the belly room

and see that I was working on Sunday sat every night. Any night they would let me on, I would go on. And he only saw me at the comedy store, but he'd call me and be like, hey, can you come over? We're having dinner, whatever holiday it was. And I'd be like, I can't, I'm doing these four shows tonight.

And he's like, what? So he still breaks my balls about, oh, she can't do it tonight. She has 50 shows. But I still do it like that. You can ask him, he gets pissed. Well, we gotta listen, here's the deal. You know, comics come up to you.

That's the only way you get good is stage time. Comics come up to you. And they fart. And they say, yeah. Shit their pants or whatever happened over there. That was definitely shit. Definitely, it was wet. Joey, it was wet.

Trust me. I got me on these. My shit don't get wet. Me on these fucking blocks. Does Miyambi's have a blocker in there? It's called a Tampax. It has like a tampon that filters. It filters the fucking.

You wear an ass pack like Ari? Yeah, a little ass pack like Ari. It's very, it's a really rough conversation for me. And I get aggravated. So I mind my business. Because there's nothing more that bothers me when somebody comes to me and says, this is what my plans are.

I'd like for you to give me your advice. And then you give me their advice. And they take your advice and they shove it up their fucking ass. They wipe their ass with it. And then you don't say nothing. You look at them and go watch them hang themselves. And they hang themselves on their own.

Yeah, they do. We've been through, look, I'm not a fucking a fucking last comic winner that came on board with eight minutes. Right. You know, it's funny when people today, somebody sent me a tweet. Joey, we saw you on basketball.

That's 1997. It's 2017. That's 20 fucking years ago. You think about that and you go, wow, Joey, you wasted your time for a long time. I might have, but I do know one thing. I know the journey of the comic. Yeah.

What do you think you wasted your time? You built it? I know the journey of the comic. I see where you are. It takes me two fucking minutes to decipher where you are. What material is coming out of your mouth? The pauses you're taking, if you're selling it, what you have on, how you are towards the club,

and I can make an assessment right there. Seconds. I could tell you right there what time you need, how much time you need to disappear, how many, you know, every 90 days to reevaluate your goals. I need you doing 25 sets a month. Yeah.

Well, what do you mean? I need for you to do 25 sets a month. Well, my girlfriend's parents that you don't need comedy. Because at this time period, it's that crucial. When you're in open mic, or you're not gonna work on Fridays and Saturdays, those are the nights you bartend.

Yeah. And you get a job and you put food on the table. Sunday through Thursday is your open mic bill. That's when you have to be out every fucking night. If this is what you really want. Yeah. If you're just dilly-dallying me or whatever, and it's so weird how every process

is different for everybody. I had a friend here, moved here, kept asking me. I said, this is what you need to do to avoid everything. Yeah. First off, we're gonna head shots and we're gonna get a commercial agent that lets them know you're bookable. Yeah.

As dumb as a commercial is, as soon as you book a commercial, they know you could hit, you could be a fucking star. So now they treat you differently. You're good in a room, that's it. They treat you differently now. Even the club owners, they're sitting there 11 o'clock at night, they're like, look at Lee.

My open is on a fucking Tide commercial. Right? Bam! That means at any moment, Lee could book a TV show. Yeah. If he booked a commercial, he booked a TV show.

Now that demands respect. Something I never thought of, because Bill Hicks said, if you did commercials, you're a sellout. You follow me? So I decided to sell out early because it was my way on the board. The first thing you wanna do is score.

The England Patriots scored first yesterday. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Even if it's three, they put up three because they know how important that three is. Even if it's two, even if they get you in a fucking, what's that called? Safety. They don't give a fuck.

Bill Belichick knows he has to get on the board first. Going to Marty's and going to, aha, and going to all these places, ain't putting you on the board first. It's making you become a better comic, but I'm trying to get you on the board. And then once you get on the board, you can play a little bit.

That gives you more leniency. Because if you book that again, you're gonna book another one. Now you're on the board twice, even though you're still doing stupid spots around town that don't matter. Now that qualifies you for a manager or an agent. That people that were representing you commercially,

now they're gonna represent you theatrically because you put money in their pocket. After the second booking, you put money in their pocket, you ask them about theatrical. They're gonna tell you to take an acting class and you're gonna say, yes, I am. With the money I got from the fucking commercial,

I'm gonna take these fucking acting classes for eight weeks. Doesn't have to be fucking a modern Rashad acting school. They're gonna be Joey Banana's acting school. They're gonna teach you how to fog up a class, how to read a scene, and how to read a scene. That simple. And then mix with your stand-up skills. Those five minutes,

you're gonna mix that with your auditioning skills. And somewhere in between that, that's called an audition. When Mitzi Sherrill auditioned you, what'd she give you? Three minutes. Three minutes. Three minutes. You look at me and go, Joey, I can't even get to my first word in three minutes.

You better. Better figure it out. You better figure it the fuck out. In three minutes, you just have to show them that you're you. You're you. For a movie role that goes away. This is for your fucking life.

Yeah. This is for your fucking life. When you go up in front of the greatest county woman booker of all fucking time, Mitzi, sure. You know what your legs are like? Even your dick shrinks up and there's no cold water anywhere to be found in that fucking original room. Nowhere.

It's just a weird process. So when I look at a young comic, I can tell you what you need to do. First of all, I hate that they develop here. Hate it. Yeah. They develop here because you put so many different outside forces into your head that don't need to be there.

Forget about all that. Just get funny. Yeah. Just get from, well, I'm, I'm sending a tape in for America's funniest videos. You shot yourself in the leg right then and then. Don't worry about none of that shit. Just work on your set.

Get 10 minutes to the funny and get out to that fucking Mexican rooms. They're hand to hand combat. Oh yeah. Lee went to one last week. The best. Embraer hand to hand combat 88 people on a Tuesday night. And that's the process.

And then look at that and go, okay, this is what I'm doing for the next six years. I'll drive an hour, 45, but wherever to do those crazy rooms. To do a free set. And people go free. I ain't gonna do them for free then. Sit on your living room.

That's free though. Yeah. Sometimes they'll give you 20 bucks for gas. Sometimes. Whatever. You didn't get into that. You know in the beginning. That's not what I'm doing.

In the beginning, if you tell yourself, I'm not gonna be a millionaire, your mind listens. That's right. Your mind listens. I just want to work. That's all I'm gonna do. All I'm doing right now is punching the clock every day.

Yeah. And in 20 years, I'm gonna get a check from these people. Yeah. That's all I'm doing. I'm gonna simplify this. When you go to a job, you punch the clock.

When you get in your car at night, you turn the ignition on, you're punching the clock. When you go to that open mic. And if you ever noticed, you ever have the nights where you had plans? Yes. Like I'm gonna stay home Tuesday

and watch this episode of TV with my girlfriend. Okay. Those are the nights when you go out and something big happens. Yeah. It's the nights when you're like, you have plans with some jerk off or something to do something.

Trust me. Is it gonna change your life at all? It's ruined all my relationships, I guess. There you go. And you go, that movie's gonna have to wait. And they look at you like, but I got flowers.

That's great. They're gonna die. Water those motherfuckers. I'll be back before they die. Don't be a favorite. I'll bring you no flowers. Oh my God. I hate flowers.

When you start losing friends and relationships over calmly and people look at you like, you're really gonna tell me that you're gonna risk my cousin's wedding because you wanna do a show in Oklahoma. And you're like, uh, yeah.

Fuck yeah. And that's it. They don't understand that. They don't understand the drill. And the 10 years from now when they see you on TV, they'll call you. Yeah. Thank you.

To be their child's godparent. You really wanted that dream. Oh my God. I'm so happy. Fuck you and your fucking family. But you're their family. Come out to LA to visit me when I'm doing my shit.

Yeah. I mean, it's tough. It is hard. But I love it. And I don't book commercials. So I don't know why. I've been in a million auditions for commercials. I just, it's a look.

It's a funny. It's a look and a nightmare. I've gotten called back. I've gotten real close. I've gotten on hold, but it's never been on. Is that weird? Yeah.

But it's funny. It's like, I don't know why a commercial. Every time I see one, I'm like, I guess I don't really fit in or I have to be really odd looking or really hot. Bro, look at me. I don't do, I'm odd looking.

And I even book on one. If I go out for commercials, Steny, I'll book one of you. I believe it. Easily. I book a pizza, a tow truck. You used to book them a lot. Freddie lived off them.

Freddie had one for a Spanish speaking bell. What is it? A Pacific bell out here? And he would be dancing in the middle of the street, singing in Spanish. So I was like, yes. But it paid his bills for a fucking year. For years.

Now it doesn't do that. Years. Sometimes you catch a good one, man. Yeah. I caught a good one like 10 years ago that didn't air and paid me three times. That's amazing. When they don't air.

Even better. Because then Bill Hicks still respect you. After shit they shoot, you really don't want to fucking see, you know? Oh, fuck yeah. After shit I've shot, I'm like, oh. Especially a commercial. Freddie was thrilled that it only played in Mexico

and then Mahima and I shot a commercial one time in Denver. He shot something for seven days, for Sears. And I shot something for somebody else and none of the commercials got picked up. We were so happy. He was just happy to be out there for a fucking week, getting paddy him, living on a fucking hotel

away from his wife and girlfriend and shit. No, it's a very weird journey, comedy. And it's hard enough. But I got the utmost respect for women because you guys go to places that I don't go to during the week. Like I don't know what goes on there. I don't know what goes on old Pollo Loco in Silver Lake.

That guy could be a fucking pedophile and torment you and not go on stage. I've had the whole, what are you gonna do for me for stage time all the time? I've gotten it a million times. And I've been like, what do you mean? I'm gonna make your audience laugh. And then they'll be like, you just play kind of dumb

if you will for a second. And then they'll go, this was just one particular person. But he was like, what if you don't make him laugh? And I still didn't get anything out of it. And like it just persistent like that. And I'm like, what would you like? Why don't you say what you want? And then they get real nervous.

I'm like, you gotta say what you want. Ask for what you want. I don't play fucking hidden figures here. Just figure, just fucking tell me what it is. And I'll tell you if I'll do it. And then he really shut down. And ever since then has never disrespected or done anything. What about the people that come to you

and are nice to you hoping that someday you bring dice by that? Oh, that's every- How horrible does that feel? If you do that to me, I will snap your fucking neck right now. I lived through it for 10 years with Joe Rogan. I still lived through it. Jesus, I still lived through it.

You still lived through it. People who send you nice things and be nice to you. And then there's always a by the way. You're waiting for the by the way. You're waiting for it. And then they drop you with the fucking, hey man, can you give this to Joe or can you do Joe? Man, I don't do nothing.

Joe don't want to do nothing. My niece was living with me for a little bit. And I told her that that had just happened to me, that this person was trying to book me, book me, tell me how great I am, this, that and the other thing. You know, they love me. They want me to headline. You think dice would do my birthday party?

And I'm like, fuck you. So I got pissed and I just, we wrote him off. Like that was it. And now he's like a big producer, a comedy producer, only shows, but he's still nobody technically. And so he, so forget about him. I'm at the comedy store with my niece. Two days later, and this guy comes up.

He's like, man, I want to put you on my show. And he's got another pretty big show. It was on Comedy Central. And he was like, I want to put you on my show, man. I'm like, oh, that's awesome. And my niece is like, oh, this is great. This is cool. I'm witnessing it, right?

That's the niece was intense. Yeah. And she was all excited. And she's like, oh, you know, this guy has a show on Comedy Central. I know I, she's like, I love to have you on our show. You think you'd be great. You kill it.

You think Dice would do it with you that night? And I'm like, dude, no. That Dice is it. It never hurt my feelings. And my niece's face dropped. She was like, this really happens all the time. It never hurt my feelings. It's more like, now I know what type of person you are.

Oh, they're all shit. Like you're a fucking war. Every motherfucker out there is shit, technically. I'm sorry. Now when it comes to that, let me give some shout outs for starters. I want to give a big shout out to Bobby Sharon and Crystal from getting hooked up last night.

They got engaged in fucking Austin. They were there with us all weekend. I want to thank Danny Brown for coming to the shows and run white. We had a great time in Austin. I want to thank my girl, Big Tool for you, Uncle Tank Top, Swift, Riviera, Big Boat Gonzo, Larry Bird, Flu, Alejandro O'Donnes,

Dennis Reynolds and Todd McMarkland. I also want to give a big, big, big fucking shout out to Charlie Govea. He gave me a beautiful DVD, Things to Do in Denver. And I also want to thank Jennifer Joseph for sending one of her classic books to my daughter. She's a sweetheart. My daughter enjoyed the fuck out of it.

So thank you very much. And as you guys know it, I will be at the Charlotte Comedy Zone Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Tickets are going fast. Don't come crying to me like you did in Austin that you didn't know because tickets are gone, dawg. So I'm just advising you

when I have a great time Thursday night. And then next month I'm at the Comedy Works in Denver. I have no fucking idea what we can just let you know now because the tickets are gonna go fucking fast and then you're gonna come crying to me again and what? No crying, people. No fucking crying. Don't sleep on it.

I don't have it limited about the tickets. I can't travel that much, so this is it. Come on, come to Jersey too, point pleasant. Is it okay if I plug my? Fuck yeah. No, because Uncle Vinny's is hard to sell, point pleasant is like on the Jersey Shore. The problem with Uncle Vinny's in the winter

is a lot of people are gonna go down there on Friday, but Saturday, all those people go down there. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. So I'll contact some of my dogs down there, Gary Richman and the Tabasco brothers. Sometimes I put out, it depends on how hot you are. You'll blow them under Uncle Vinny's pier, right?

Yeah. As long as you're specific, we're not playing no fucking round here. It's, I don't know, it's just, I see what you do. Listen, man, I see what people are doing. You know, before 2007,

I used to get these calls every day from comics. You know, like when I got the longest yard and shit people called me and asked me, oh, like what do I need to do? And there were all people that wanted to talk to talk, but they wanted somebody else to do the walking for them. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

There was so many people that you could tell in this town, they want you to do the work for them. Of course. And that's, that's great. I appreciate that, you know, but nobody can do the work for you that you need to get to that certain place.

Because even if somebody puts you like, people get lucky, people get lucky. They get put on a show at the five year mark and stand up and they think, that's great, but you still gotta do that time. You gotta do the work. You still gotta catch up on that standup work because if not, I love it when sending out lives.

Guys go on the road. I love it. They think that doing improv and what we do is the same thing. And I fucking laugh. Guys, I laugh at home. Cause what I do on stage took 20 years to get there. And what you see a lot of these guys doing on stage,

we think Dave Chappelle just walked off the fucking boat from Africa. You know, no, he's been doing this for fucking 25 years. What makes you think that you're gonna stroll up here after four years and do what we do? You're gonna get a couple of good sets. I'm not doubting that. There's a lot of funny people out there.

What I'm saying is to really have that stage, that stage, those stage chops and whatnot, that's fucking sensational. So I see that you're out there. People like you, Kate Quigley, Dean Delray, Adam Gray, Theo Vaughn, I see these young guys that are out there every fucking night. And then I get these people that want to ho-hum it

because they're working on their fucking Conan set. And Conan doesn't even know who the fuck they are. So this is what this episode was about from that mentality, even for Eleanor. Eleanor, I've seen rip it up. You know, I'll bring you with me if you're around. We go to Philly, whatever. Because I know Eleanor.

Eleanor was killing them that week with me in Philly. You know, I thought- What great crowd. You didn't fucking know that. Everybody knows that. And it's not because you are not in the back of the comedy store or because you jiggle some of these balls is because of what happened when Andrew and I,

you know, Lee's does comedy. Andrew truly took me out and maybe, yeah. I mean, he made me work for it. People are always like, oh, she sucked his dick. No, you fucking worked for it. I did suck his dick, but I worked to ask for it. To suck on his dick too, was work. That was when you were dating.

That was a lot of work. But let me tell you something, this guy here, like Lee, when I see Leon stage now, I giggle because it doesn't surprise me. He watches every special. Yeah. He's been around this night for five years and he finally realized his voice.

He's like a fucking little Woody Allen up on stage. He's frustrated. I love it. Yeah. He makes noises. You're going to marry your daughter? Maybe.

Maybe he's going to hug her to death first before he can have a kid. Anyway, I'll see you guys Wednesday. I can't wait to see you perform. Ready to rock. Don't forget Eleanor, February. January 31st, February 1st, 2nd and 3rd, Point Pleasant, New Jersey, Uncle Vinnie's.

Uncle Vinnie's and I'll be at Charlotte, North Carolina this week at the fucking comedy zone. Ready to fucking rock. I love you, cocksuckers. Have a great day. Thank you for listening. Stay black. What up?

Oh yeah, stay black and don't forget about me, all right? Oh, I forgot the most important thing. Let me talk to you motherfuckers about something. Number one, on it, when you're looking for supplements, you're looking to make rest of the tutions this year. What do people make resolutions? Resolutions. You want to start a new vitamin.

You want to get your vitamin. You're going to get your body in shape. Go to on it. Listen, they got kettlebells. They got the bats. They got fucking vests. They got everything. But on top of that, they got supplements.

Supplements to help you achieve your goals. Supplements from shroom tech sport to shroom tech immune. They got an after work out protein. They got a before work. I mean, they just got it. And as far as the protein shakes, the acai vanilla, and the cocoa, whatever the fuck you name it, the hemp force protein, they're second to none.

Go to onit.com right now and press in. Church. 10% off your beautiful first offer delivered right to your house. Number two, you want to turn a cool idea into a new website? Do you want to showcase your work? You want to blog or publish content? Do you want to sell products that you made and services?

Promote your physical online business? Announce an upcoming event? Listen, all that could be done with Squarespace. They do beautiful templates created by world-class designers. They got a powerful e-commerce functionality that lets you sell anything online and the ability to customize,

to look and feel settings and product with more than just a few clicks. Everything is optimized for mobile right out of the box. A new way to buy domains and choose from over 200 extensions. Analytics that help you grow in real time and a built in search engine for top optimization and 24-7 award-winning customer support.

That's what Squarespace offers you, all right? So do me a favor right now. Go check out squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code CHURCHCHURCH to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. That's squarespace.com and the code CHURCH. Listen, you want to start a business?

This is your first. You want to start a website? This is how to do it. You want to showcase your work? This is how to do it. Go to squarespace.com and the code CHURCH and get 10% off your first purchase of the website or a domain.

I want to thank Squarespace. I want to thank Honit and I want to thank Eleanor Kerrigan for coming on the show today and breaking down all this woman's March shit. Stop March and do stand up, cock suckers. I love you guys. We'll talk on Wednesday.

Stay black, see you then. All right. Got to get a move on Dance up Try to take it higher Dance up Dance up Try to take it higher

Dance up Dance up Try to take it higher Dance up You never knew the power Oh, we're everybody But when you keep on dancing to the music The future might still be dark

To shatter Got to get a move on To shatter If you want to feel good Dancing Keep your body shaking Dancing Got to take it higher

Dancing Dancing Dancing Dancing Got to take it higher You never knew the power of your body But when you keep on dancing to the music The future might still be dark

You never knew the power of your body But when you keep on dancing to the music The future might still be dark You never knew the power of your body But when you keep on dancing to the music The future might still be dark You never knew the power of your body But when you keep on dancing to the music

The future might still be dark You never knew the power of your body But when you keep on dancing to the music The future might still be dark You never knew the power of your body But when you keep on dancing to the music The future might still be dark You never knew the power of your body

But when you keep on dancing to the music The future might still be dark You never knew the power of your body The future might still be dark The future might still be dark You never knew the power of your body But when you keep on DALES You never knew the power of your body

Queen, you never knew the power of your body The future might still be dark I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say Dancer, got to get a move on Dancer, if you want to feel good

Dancer, I keep your body shaking Dancer, got to make it higher Let your body breathe Dancer, if you want to feel good Dancer, got to get a move on Dancer, I try to think it higher Dancer, see if you can make it higher Dancer, I keep your body shaking

Dancer, if you want to feel good Dancer, I keep your body shaking Dancer, see if you can make it higher Thanks for watching!