Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #555 - Tom Rhodes

Episode Date: February 1, 2018

Tom Rhodes, a comedian for more than 30 years and the host of the "Tom Rhodes Radio," podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: eharmony - Enter code CHURCH at checkout for a free month when you sign up for a 3 month subscription. eharmony brings compatible people together.    
MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your order of a pair of MeUndies Matching Pair underwear with free shipping in the US and Canada.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 01/31/2018.  

Welcome to podcast bill the church of what's happening now is brought to you by and by the way It's January 31st right now tomorrow's February. Not only is it black history month when we do celebrate that here at the church It's also Love month. Okay, so I'm here to promote love this month and we're gonna start right now today Thursday morning with love Okay, what's love start with love starts with a date a drink you go back to her place And they'll do a little dancing. Maybe a glass of wine. Maybe you tell us some bullshit story You like cats or whatever the fuck you want to save the world Next thing you know you take yandies off

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I gave you hello tushy. I gave you Me on these and now I'm getting your date and I'm finding you love with e harmony Dot-com. All right. Who's better than Uncle Joey? Nobody at the code church at checkout and let's get this party started kick that mule Lee. Oh Shit We're taking you back fucking Prince out of respect for teaching in the house. We ain't fucking around tonight Tom Rhodes is here The Christ Killers here

Little song written by Prince League I was gonna print throughout this song. Yeah, the fucking things don't let you what I Do Do you think I'm a nasty girl You kidding me I Some black people could do English expressions. You know I'm saying how did Because Prince was throwing heat and I guess Vanity was part of his little stable at the

Yeah, I'm hanging out and he wrote that song like that was like you started writing shit He just it was like Michael Jackson a for he had thriller somebody's watching me and he had some mouth Yeah, that's how he was he was working the ladies by writing songs and stuff. He did that apollonia Oh, yeah, what was that song the manic Monday? What was the no for Sheena Easton she wrote uh, oh He wrote another dirty song Prince Sheena Easton, let me see. Yeah, there was a one song God, it was a better. Oh

It's like they did a football thing to it once so what the war you got the look you got the look your mom can't cook You must oh, I loved Prince. Did you know I did I ever tell you I was invited to a private party at Paisley Park? No, I won 1995 I was playing at Acme comedy club in Minneapolis and Prince's keyboard player Tommy was a fan of mine because I was like doing tons of stuff for Comedy Central at the time and Prince would do these parties in the summer where he would jam from like three in the morning until six in the morning It's how he came up with his tunes and stuff or worked it out So we went I invited this other comedian the feature act and he didn't go Oh my and the guy with the when Prince died

He was the first person to call me and go man. I can't believe I didn't go to that fucking party So it was one of the best nights in my life there was only 50 people there and Prince is walking around the guy gave me a tour of Paisley Park before the concert and He had like a sewing room Like what there was like four sewing machines and all these beautiful fabrics where he made his own clothes You know his recording studio. He shot his own videos there It was like a one-man hit art factory and then in his you know big room where he the airplane Hanger room where he shot his videos and stuff

He had the the stage set up and he wailed like Hendricks he had that white guitar that had the little loopy look like a musical note and It was his girlfriend my tie's birthday and so she like had a white flowy dress on and she danced around him And it was magnificent man. He like he wailed for like three hours. He could fucking well He was better than Hendricks, man fucking way and And and and then like he's walking around after the concert He's like right in front of me He's like two feet in front of me it took every bit of myself

Controlled not to grab his perfect little purple ass and just squeeze it you know like a turtle ask you what you were doing there No, we should know no no no no no no no his dude introduced us. I I shook his hand and he was a complete gentleman and He was nice to everybody that was there it was amazing It's a great fucking story that's part of me good way to start and with a little Los Angeles sirens in the background for Great to see you great to see you healthy. Yeah, great to see that you're still in the game We've lost a lot of soldiers. Yeah, and we're still plugging away. You're still fucking going overseas

I just got back from Paris last night. That's what you were saying. Yeah, I played this beautiful theater theater la over Like a over your your life work like over it like over like I don't know how to pronounce it Over it's like a Like an oover is like your your life's work your masterpiece But this theater man, it was beautiful it seats 340 I had 240 there. There was balconies place was built in 1850 and

I'm booked back there October 15th, and I want to film it as my next Netflix special and do you think yeah So if anybody's thinking about taking a trip to Paris go on with your bad self Yeah, I was trying to fucking be in the game always reinventing yourself. That's it. Yeah, man Yeah, you're a comic to the end like Tupac said, right? That's right. Well, I got a long history of Paris the First big love of my adult life was with a Parisian woman I lived with in San Francisco for seven years and the first time I went to Paris. I was actually maced pepper spray these guys tried to mug me and

I got away and all this Stepped in dog shit there. I've done a lot of things in Paris put flowers on Morrison's grave. So you like it? Yeah, I love it. I like sauntering down the Boulevard with a baguette under my arm I'm in pepper sprayed in a long fucking shit hurts man. Oh my god. Shit. I never got pepper sprayed like by a woman Or I was assaulting somebody The guy that had the big dick in Jersey that there was a guy when I grew up that he said he was a the guy from Godfather 2's Grants up so the Godfather 2 there's a scene where Michael takes Fredo To his underground bar to see like a semi rape

Where they tie a girl up and the guy comes out with a big dick and a cape and the guy's dick is like four foot long But they never show the dick the director is a very good director That's when Michael finds out that Fredo betrays him All the guineas are saying look at him. He looks like Superman, but they never show you the guy's dick You never even think about it, but I'm my time my luck Right like you never even think about it. You'll see Godfather 2. It's like a scene from Godfather 2. Okay Godfather 2 of When Michael Bita finds out but the Mike of Fredo betrays him

Okay, and there's a little Cuban doing the back playing little Congress and shit to make a long story short This could only happen to me in that Cuban community in Union City It was a club called Luther in the ultra club 38 and the guy that owned it His claim the fame was his grandfather had the biggest dick in Cuba But now he had the biggest thing like it was a generational thing that went down. I mean, this is this is just ridiculous It's just ridiculous It's ridiculous, so we can't leave my father the time I saw This is it. No, I know it was you Fredo. No, no, no, no the Godfather

Godfather 2 I want capital letters Lee. You went to college. I don't do anything. Yes, they do. Yes, they do capital letters for Christ's sakes Jesus Christ, he's like a two-year-old these fucking kids. They text they forget everything All right, hold on scratch for Godfather to include so what is the big dick in New Jersey? I have to do with getting me because the big thing in the big dick in New Jersey I went Michael finds out Fredo, but Michael and Fredo in the Cuban Jesus Christ All right, the thing that has to do with it was Right there that's okay

There you are three minutes in old videos on a no, no, watch this scene. It's a brilliant scene It's when I talk about directing Can you imagine people would leave New York to do this on the weekend to go watch this on the weekends? This is brilliant See all this Vegas shit started in the van and you fucking 50 they were doing this. I'd speed it up How far just keep going to we see What's with the questions Keep going keep going keep what's with the question. He's on keep going keep going keep going right there

Listen to the bongos in the back tremendous when you Everybody stands, but it's worth it watch. You're not gonna believe this All right, so they take this pull a little immigrant girl They tire up right and this guy with the big dick comes out gives it to her and people pay this to watch this shit That's the guy with the big dick. He's got a cape on now Michael's just hanging out right watch this ah He shows her the dick she fucking loses her mind look at it. No That was his grandfather

The director never shows you the dick Here you go Right there he ratted himself out look at Michael he gets fucking on you He knows he betrayed Is the brilliant scene but if they were to show you the guy's dick you wouldn't have seen Michael's face right right right That's a brilliant directorial scene so everybody in the room how they show you the guy now they would do that in 1975 this kid was doing that in Union City and

He would come to my mom's bar and always like we'd be shooting pool and in the conversation like even with my friends I didn't know nothing about nothing. He'd just say you know my grandfather had the biggest dick in Cuba And my friends would look at me like why is he telling us this and then he's like he's like shooting He's like shooting pool wish now we're shooting pool And then he would tell us that he had that it was a thing in his family and I told my mom was my mom was like Don't worry. He's not a bad guy. His name was Willie Vandy So Willie Vandy had a bar once I found out he had a big dick And this is what he did that that bar on Saturday nights during the week

They played salsa, but on Saturdays. He would showcase his dick. It was like a comedy show You know what he would showcase it every week like every Saturday night I believe the neighborhood knew if you wanted to see his dick you went down there He finds him like Dog he get like some Nick Erdogan runaway cuz like in the 70s nobody gave a fuck about Nick Erdogan Right like take a think of a country nobody gave a fuck about in the 70s He would get one of their refugees they dope them up and it was legal like they paid the cops off Wow, every side doesn't mean it's legal. Well, you know, whatever they were having fun

He'd come out and he gave go they paid him and he'd give him a stab in in public with that With his three-foot dick. Oh and fucking people would pay 20 bucks and hang out and have drinks with the guy What the fuck does this shit? That's like Willie Allen's friends. You know I'm saying like you hang out after that But couldn't the guy just learned how to juggle It was fucking with a dick. I think I mean like I never liked the dude But the first time my dad, but there was a car valve down the corner. Do you know what a car? Well, yeah ice cream. I scream joint that was one of my favorite things you feeling on ice cream and I go Yeah, so when we went to get ice cream it was down the block from that bar goes

Let me stop in there cuz Willie has to give me money But then another time I went in there with him I guess my stepfather was like a half a loan shark and he loaned Willie money and Willie always kept fuck with him So one night Willie was supposed to meet him there and Willie didn't meet him so my stepfather on The Saturday night I'd fucking 11 o'clock and we went in there and he goes to sit right there And he took a thing out of his jacket and it was uh, you know those homemade zip guns

Only with what's a zip gun a zip gun is what you make it and Homemade gun with a 22 and it's got one bullet it and I got to get you with it I know like a nail then a shoot like a nail. It's like a fucking pen No, no, no in the 70s and 80s. I had friends do I know a place in the Bronx where you can buy them They were like a disposable one bullet Lee. How long have you been doing this podcast with Joey? You've never learned you ever learned what a zip gun is yet. So he's he's been too busy telling me He had a zip gun only with that air in it that that that tube that onion smell that would break out in people's He put me in the corner and he went to the back of this place and left it like bammed it off

I'm not forget like a stink bomb like I still like it was a stink bomb, but uh, whatever that is mace Oh my god, pepper spray he discharged it in the back of the club and then we walked out together like nothing happened But that's the last time I got it in my eyes. I must have been 10 or 11 or maybe tops 12, but I don't think so Oh, I was a kid and that was his way. Oh Fucking with the guy. You're not gonna have my money. We're gonna make no money on a Saturday night either I think I had his money the next week. Yeah, but nobody got hurt. It sounds like it was a full shirt Lone shark, that doesn't sound like half of where I told you that he was fucking when it came to all that shit He was a genius when he came to all that type of dirty. I got maced over there

So there's the first time I ever went to Paris and I think it's kind of cool that I was maced in the city of love But I was living with this this French woman in San Francisco We go to Paris to visit her mom She got sick and I got to go out by myself one night So I'm walking around the the best deal area is like the Greenwich Village of Paris So I'm walking around the name of the area best deal best deal like when they had the French Revolution It was the Bastille prison that they tore down and broke open and let all the prisoners out That was the big symbol of the revolution. So

I'm walking around the Bastille area. There's a street called the Rue de Lap And that's a street with all these bars on it and I'm walking down I can go to any of these bars and have a drink. I come across this bar called some girls That's the name of a Rolling Stones album. I love the Rolling Stones. I go in they only play the Rolling Stones I'm in heaven. I'm drinking beer brewed by monks. I'm having a I'm enjoying my my own company I'm making notes, you know, I'm just really having I'm in Paris and Every time I wanted to leave they play another great song like can you hear me knocking? Give me shelter and I'd order another beer finally. I leave this bar

It's late There's no one on the street now It's this thin Parisian street and these two guys are walking towards me in the distance And this guy had a metal walking He had a metal pole and he's walking like it's a walking brace, but it wasn't a walking brace It was a metal pole and then they got close they get closer I move over to make room for them Then they move it over a little more and then I moved over a little more and then before I knew it

They were right up on top of me and dude with the pole Jams me in the stomach with it and it's go time, baby It's two against one and I'm not proud of it. I don't know where it came from. I barked at them No defense whatsoever and then the guy with the pole starts wailing on me man But it was winter and I had a big coat on and it actually didn't hurt too bad And you were drunk Yeah, that helped for it not hurting too bad and then I looked to see what dude number two was doing I looked at dude number two and he maced me right in the eyes

I've never felt such excruciating pain in my life You have no idea how many nerve endings in your eyes and I I broke free and I'm just you know I wailed my arms and broke free and I'm running and I'm blinded in all this pain and I got away from them I'm sure they you know looked at each other and thought did that guy fucking bark at us But why are they attacking you? What do they want? Well, they don't have guns. Okay, they don't have guns There so I heard later that that's a very common way for people to get mugged in Paris or where you they may see you they beat you up. They get you down. They take your money. Take whatever so It took me it was probably staying

About a mile and a half from where I was maced it took me I think two or three hours To get home where I was staying because I would I would walk a few steps And then it would it would hit me and the pain was so crippling I had to sit in like a doorway and just you know And just sit there in pain and whimper and then thank God it started to rain And then I could I'd like hold my eyes open and then feel the rain in my eyes And and then finally eventually I got back and I used to have really long hair back then you remember me and My French girlfriend not to do

She tried to help me. Oh, baby. What's your eyes, baby? And like I guess I had little particles of it in my hair and like a little some particles got in her eyes And then she's fucking on the ground rolling around in pain and shit man It went on until like sunrise this shit lasted forever Gonna Paris fuck that. No fuck Paris has had a lot of problems lately, right? Yeah, the Bataclan and Well, that's it, but I'm from Orlando. Look, we had the Pulse nightclub shooting. So Yeah, you're nobody's fucking rabbit foot either and someone a bill a little kid got

Whatever what the fuck do you want to do you are from Orlando originally? That's right. Well, yeah, I mean I'm I was born in DC and then my family moved to Orlando when I was 12 Well, that wouldn't stay out of Paris Lee Well, do you rather be in Paris or you if you went to the patisserie's there and had some hey I they have they have bakeries here. They're pretty good. I mean our cheap imitations of what's happening in I would love to I would love to see parts of Europe, but if they're gonna maize people I mean, I've been back. I've been back twice. I've been back 35 times. It's never happened again. Okay, you know, you'll never be Mace Lee I love croissants. I'm gonna stay whether you're gonna go to a country cuz you're like fucking croissants. What else? Yeah

That's what he said. That's right that you said patisserie's whether that's what I'll give you I'll give you a chew I'll give you a good travel tip for Paris here if you ever go to Paris Some of the the subway there is called the metro. Okay, and some of the metro cars have a flip latch Because you have to like flip this this the latch to to open the door I learned that the hard way the first time I was there like I got to my stop and the door didn't open and like a fucking moron I was like Then like some perigee I just walked over with his finger just went flip the fucking thing opened so Avoid the jackass moment that I experienced

If you're in Paris and the doors don't open remember there's a little flip It's one finger. No, you go you stay the hotel. Yeah now. Yeah, you're the same hotel. No, no, no I stayed different parts of town. Oh, it's interesting. I stayed there in December. I was there in December I did this small club and this female Comedian who lives there was out of town and let me stay at her place and she lives in the st. Germain neighborhood of Paris which is the the Beverly Hills of Paris and I couldn't figure out her heat and it was fucking freezing

So I was sleeping like with my clothes layered and my winter coat on So it was funny to stay in like the richest part of town and then like I'm it was like sleeping fucking outside in this place I'd say like really hot showers and it's like for an hour and everywhere you go. There's Americans, right? Yeah, some there's a handful there. I already said he went to did all those shows in China. He goes tons of Americans Yeah, yeah, there's expats all over China, right? Yeah I'm like, I'm very jealous of all that traveling. So you're 29 You got the world by the balls and you want to sit here and fuck around and go to Long Beach Jose

Nobody would you like to go Japan's Japan's my number one in Asia. I'll be back in Tokyo the end of June Come on early. There's your dirty excuse at the end. It's a great little club. Where else would you go? Uh, I'll show you get Lee five minutes. Yeah, I'll get you five minutes. You come there. All right So you could do five minutes and fucking Hong Kong. Yeah, that'd be crazy Stand up Tokyo, so here we come Tokyo. Well, Australia would be really cool. I think I was in Australia in September at the comedy store see like that's that's a guy I haven't done anything in Europe, but uh, and then I also like honestly like something that Joey's talked about I haven't really been anywhere in America. I've been a few places, but like that's part of the traveling

I'd like to see like I haven't been into any like that national monuments on the east coast Israel did you make any stops anywhere? I went to Jordan for a day a couple days. It was fun Jordan it wasn't that I went to the where they filmed Indiana Jones. I Like Jordan because they like Michael Jordan so much. They named their country after him. So you do comedy in Israel at all I have not I'm supposed to go there in December and do Who books to re? Yeah, somebody books the room, right? Mm-hmm. You have to be clean. You have to be really clean real clean Yeah, right. That's that's that means I'll never get there. Yeah. Yeah

No, there has to be somewhere in Israel that would put you up because it's I Heard the Tel Aviv you can You know you can you could be more risque, but in Jerusalem. They oh, yeah, I know gotta be right clean Really? Yeah, they take Jerusalem seriously, especially like the old part It's like them for like every religion that's like the most sacred part of the world So they take it pretty seriously that is that's it. That's as good as it gets right Yeah, for everybody like there's the Armenian side the Christian side. There's the Muslim side and the Jewish side

Yeah, so you have to be clean there. That's a fucking church time. It's pretty cool You can see like monks walking around. Yeah, my friend's wife ex-wife is there now. She's been posting pictures on Facebook And it's pretty interesting What do you see when you go there? It's gotta be Whatever religion you are or thinking of becoming it's gotta Wake it up a little bit. It has to wake up your Religious experience a little bit going over that even like I was I I know was never really a big religious person Not like I'm wondering whether I'm agnostic or wherever I am

But yeah, I've been over there twice and it's pretty It's just it it makes you because all the stories you heard growing up. It's just it makes you think It's like you try to be respectful that it has a lot of me even if you don't necessarily Believe in God if you just have to to see all those people coming together to do what like it's pretty impressive You I have any religious anything in your body. I I used to be more religious. My family are a hardcore Christians and I Think there's a superiority that comes with Real staunch believers in anything where they think they're absolutely better than anyone like I live in a

Right in the neighborhood. I live in is like Orthodox Jewish like not the nicest people Beverly fuck. They don't say hi. I walked in the neighborhood and they don't say hello to you so It's interesting. I I Wanted I pitched a you know my comedy travel show idea and you know, they do stand up in Israel And then also they do stand up in Palestine. There's a Ramallah comedy festival every year I'm not doing fireman there Joey. I Thought it would be interesting to show how people on either side use humor to deal with their circumstances and

you know the the the troubles that they're dealing with and The Comedy Central when I pitched it to them I mean I it was a whole travel show about comedy and humor around the world and and they said that they they didn't think that the idea was provocative and subversive enough What the fuck is more provocative and subversive than stand-up comedy in Israel and Palestine? You know, like what are they making jokes about so? But you know, if I if I was if I was 30 years younger, right? I always thought that'd be a great idea to have a travel show

where a comedian would do stand up in a different country every week and Talk about his experience on stage what he thought was different, you know, it's like in the old days when you went to Austin you could talk about George Bush on stage when you went to Houston mentioned Bush and that was the end He is set you follow me. Mm-hmm There's got to be certain countries that You have to touch on one thing and they might just fucking stop breathing, you know, like I've been you know I was in Charlotte this last weekend And I went off a couple of nights. I

Was eating animals and shit, so I went off early. What'd you go off on? Just went off, you know, like on stage like you just go off on a fucking tangent about fucking whatever and I Was kind of risque and I remember that I did this creative entertainment. I remember 30 years ago Oh, yeah, I started out on the southern circuits with us. Yeah, you start out with them For me creative entertainment the two weeks I did with Vinny light bulbs was If I did 10 shows I bombed 11 of them I'm not gonna lie to you and then they put me the headline in Jacksonville

I will never forget this 98 97 Jimmy Schubert got him go. He got the movie go and He had a cancel quick So I could I got a plane ticket for a hundred bucks to Jacksonville and I ate a bag of dicks From Tuesday straight to Sunday Including Friday night after all the oil you could eat buffet, you know, like I just died Tom Tom first off I wasn't a headliner. That was number one. I had the time but that doesn't mean I was a headliner and When I got to those one nighters I couldn't flip it The only one I did decent that was Clarkville or there's an army base was an army barracks

And the only reason why they even liked me even better because before the show Mike They couldn't start the show because the world series was on but I was running a commercial at the time for Taco Bell the first one with the dog It was the first series with the dog and they were popular and I was in this commercial So that's the only reason why they laughed at me But that whole run West Virginia there was a college I did on that run that you did come here on a ping-pong table And if you said the word fuck they find you $50. I think I'd break the ping-pong table, you know, that was in Yes, Morgan Morganville Something fucking I'm not saying nothing bad. I remember all those rooms. I

$50 if you said the word fuck $50 fine and I didn't find out till you get there. I Was like this is not gonna work. How much were you getting for the set? 250 I was headlining. So what if you said six fucks dig that I'm in the minus. I ain't a bag of dog I ate a bag of dog dicks at University of North Carolina Like my fuck that was the school. I wanted to go to when I was a basketball player I was finally in Charlotte, whatever Chapel Hill. I finally get the Chapel Hill and

Before the headliner goes up. There's a fucking drinking contest through you know It was one of those tours like I just got the kiss of fucking death on me Knoxville was the best night because Some crazy girl was there and it was just crazy. It was just a crazy night But that that was it, you know went on the way home You end the weekend like I did it was two weeks on a creative run tour and the first week was all those one-nighters But the second week I ended up in a club in West Virginia They have and they actually had a real club on Fridays and Saturdays But the problem was

For me to get a ride back to Charlotte. I had to leave at four in the morning to get a free ride So basically I went back to Charlotte to sit in the fucking Denny's All day because my flight was at 10 o'clock at night But I had gotten a guest spot at that same club where I performed last week so this is Nine out of ten bombings in two weeks and I'm going into do a guest set into the Charlotte comedy zone and Not only do I eat the biggest bag of dicks of the week. That was it like that was the longest flight I ever took in my life and I swore on that continental flight because I never forgot what the airline was

But I would never go back to the Bible belt again. Like I bombed everywhere Nashville. I Just went on a fucking like a Vietnam tour Like I just got bombed. That's all they did. I started out doing those shit. Oh my god and I grew my hair long and I was called faggot nine million times Lee in those rooms And I had been doing comedy Time was I prepared? Like I said, there was some rough rooms man

I remember that like that and then there's the booker, you know Like we're gonna book you for these one-nighters in the Carolinas But you got a swing by Memphis and pick up the headliner. Yeah, what the fuck is that? It's nowhere near the Carolinas like that like Tom I've been doing open mics for like two and a half months that probably Even just that I was looking at I'm like I'm after spending like a hundred dollars. I think probably at least a hundred bucks and Then like with gas and just waiting because you sit there for 50 minutes to do five It's like a lot. It's like mentally

You have to like be hard. It's kind of like a taxing a little bit like it's harder than it seems Shitting for the week Like a hundred dollars like and I drove to Brea back and forth one night. I was like Jesus Christ That's what it's fine. That's what you do every night. That's That's the that's what You don't understand when you do it for free, you know, I'm saying like you'll never do anything for free If I tell you time you're busy tomorrow. You want to watch my conjoint? Yeah

You can be the small 25 at least let me get a little six-pack. You know something to get the party started. Yeah We did it for how long did you do it for free for a time? I mean nice a long time Yeah, yeah, it kills me when people still do free sets are you down there? Yeah, people still said I love when people I am I've been doing comedy for three years and Somebody asked me to do a free room. I don't believe him. Okay. Well, he's killed me young guys, Alaska Hey, when can I expect to start getting paid for this? Oh my god? Yeah, you got I think you're You're in the wrong business if you're worried, you know, so they're on there on their first open mic night They're second open mic night and they want to know when they can start making money

I fucking knew in the beginning money No, I like that. I want a contest and they made me the house emcee So I got $50 a week since 200 a month So for two years, I made 2,400 a year That's 4,800 big gizugas guys, you know what I'm saying? Tax-free 50 and all the tater tots you can eat. Oh my god. Oh my god Shrimp shrimp in those days on tuesday nights, but it's just crazy that You uh, this comedy has taken you

All over now. Let me ask you a question Before the mbc show were you were you traveling abroad? No, I was the When the sitcom ended I looked at that money As my nbc artist grant so I started taking trips to london and And that I took in a few trips to london And and that's how I got in once I got in with london Then I started working london and then london was the key to the international circuits for me Because like everything was booked out of london back then all these international

This hong kong china tour australia all these cool gigs. Um, you know, but before that You know, I I told you I lived in new york city when I was 20 Like a dog In washington heights. I couldn't afford anything else and I always swore if I ever had any money Uh, I'd live in new york city with style. So after my sitcom ended I moved to new york and I got a place in the wall street area and uh total rock star pad lived there for two years and then While I was living there and playing new york and you know, I was really

Party and harder than I ever had Um, and then I started taking these trips to london and um, you know, did the peripheral rooms first Because you don't go to the best club first You know, you want to get your sea legs as a performer especially going to a different country But this advice applies for new york san francisco la chicago Yeah, I told you you know, you go to you go to some peripheral rooms first You know, see if your shit's gonna work in that city You don't go to the best club and fucking have a wobbly set and then they remember you as

Some wobbly fucking act, you know, you wait until um, the pistols are hot It's so The little rules in comedy Uh, it's so subtle but that could change your life like I wish it was podcast to listen to when we were starting Yeah, like you know these fucking young guys they listen to you know, they just got that Pearl of wisdom But it's funny how they usually where you start you get no respect Like for years, I wouldn't get booked in denver. Yeah, and then tickets started selling so all of a sudden now i'm in denver

And I get it. I understand the business level of it But throughout my career now one club from denver ever contacted me and said hey man I saw you in a film, you know, right people don't realize that that's the most painful thing That that's your home Fucking club I always say like for you for years. I you know, um I didn't get any respect in orlando and I would always say uh, they thought jesus was a punk in nazareth You know, he had to take his show on the road before he got any respect

You know now orlando book now orlando. Yeah, I've been playing orlando like like 10 years You get so frustrated for years. I couldn't get them to fucking work me and it's like my hometown okay for years there's a club that I used to go by on a bus Before I ever dreamed of doing comedy when I was robbing gas stations. Yeah, I would look at that comedy club It's just a comedy club and go what goes on in there Do you know what i mean? Like I would look at it and go what the fuck goes on in there?

Like I'd never even known on me about stand-up comedy, but I became a comic. I bugged them for years. Can I get in? I'm originally from north berg and no no no no no then finally some of a friend of mine worked there And I asked him to bring me and he brought me and I got like More fucking people came to see me That went to see him. This is 2000 fucking two 2003 maybe 2004 You know, they never offered an extra envelope. They stuck to the original pay four shows for 200 bucks

You know, even though I brought a bunch of people in there and my friends ate in there So for years I would call them and go hey, man Let me have a line. Thanks. Give me no no no they treated me like fucking shit Well, two years ago. They started calling me and offering me like fucking the door Like how about if we just give them the door and I would say no Like for some reason you're supposed to forgive. Uh, what's what's that word forgive and forget that have grudges Yeah, but till this day I have a grudge against them because they never gave me any fucking love when I really needed So you don't play that club? No, I didn't ask them for much. It wasn't like I was even asking them for money

Yeah, I would have done a wednesday night just uh for me to get together with my high school friends and have a good time And they could sell drinks. Yeah, you know, it's so fucking weird how Where you start you that's why you leave. It's because you don't get no respect So if you start in chicago, they don't like you you moved to detroit The next thing you know, you're in LA and people like when we just started started chicago But they hit my fucking guts I think the same thing happens with people in offices like at a certain at us for like I love my first Job here in LA, but at a certain point. They're gonna sit if you start as an intern. They see you as the intern

at For at least for some people some people can break through that but it is hard, I think Well, we were fucking those it's all different with comedy and whatever Yeah Comedy was that it? Yeah. Yeah No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no wasn't comedy was a club called bananas Which is next door to the bottom where they shot the sopranos You don't understand the sopranos in denver. They shot the soprano with a jersey. Oh, okay

Offer room four. Okay, and this club was called bananas now. They sold it's on the new ownership And i'm considering playing there, but i'm not sure yet They needed to sell, huh? And they just wanted the owners you didn't want to work with those owners anymore That was in the club in jersey where the it was like the owner guy had like a garage sale set up in the front yard in the front Foyet of the club with these glass cases. Do you remember that? I don't know Right now you have the stress factory. Yeah, brand, which is a good club. Love Vinny. I haven't been there in a long time

I used to work there a lot. I love Vinny. Love that room. That's a good little killer. What a crush You know And there was but then there was rascals There was rascals north and rascals south Rascals north was a fucking great room. Yeah, I think it was rascals south that had the garage sale in the lobby Rascals south was route 35 next to a russian strip club That day you walked in there. You had to have a fucking winter jacket on Russian chicks like the cold

I wanted to have one time after a comedy show. I'm like, why is it fucking freezing in this fucking place? and then bananas Bananas is inside a hotel And there's like a restaurant next to it like a hotel restaurant And bananas is like you're going in they have like lawn furniture It's one of those clubs where they have like picnic tables. What do you mean? They have lawn furniture It's the east coast so nobody gives a fuck like that type of club

They have those type of clubs in boston also where they were back at all They were back with all but you turn them into a one night. I've been to a one in a chinese restaurant. It's fucking awesome Yeah, they're awesome. They're awesome. That's bananas. It's small the ceiling small There's no stage. It's like a stepping thing What are they you step on you never did bananas and all your fucking houses are coming It's right under the george washington bridge Right underneath the george washington bridge. It's the last off route four like you could see As you're going for the bridge you could see it right there

And then just happened to be next to the bottom bank The bottom bank. I don't know if that's the real name of it in real. They closed it recently It was next to the strip club where they shot the sopranos So for years recently They was uh, if you're a tourist you go to time square And take a bus over to the bottom bank and to the museum there But the two idiots got in trouble for tax evasion They didn't pay taxes on the fucking money and they just recently closed it down this article

Hunt it down by the bin closes See if i'm going to be sad You see a pattern here listeners if you're a criminal Pay the taxes. It's always where they pay your fucking taxes where they get you Look and they get you on those autograph shows and shit. That's how they get Wait give them the 10 years all these comic con jerkbops. They're all going to be doing 20 years A bunch of these fucking comic con nickel heads Because they go down there. They sign 20 five dollar autographs

And you cheat and what do you think if tom rhodes got 50 autographs and lee got 50 autographs Ysd has only got five autographs. You go to jail, bitch And they'll let you do it for like five or ten years. They'll give you leeway. Yeah, no problem They'll come to fucking comic con take pictures of you and 20 people And then one day you get the letter in the mail Excuse us Our fucking records indicate that you really had 90 a line that that You go to court and all of a sudden they play this video when you giving out autographs and

Jumping up and down as the character you were 80 years ago. Oh shit They're sending that kid from fucking jerseys short of jail. You bet you're asked that son of that motherfucker the jail What from the tv show? Yeah, which one 15 fucking years the one the no way 15 years. Yes, they are How much did he last how much did he make it's fed time? He'll do six out of fucking country He didn't uh, it was an autograph money. Yeah, let's find it find what's his name. Yeah, they hit the bottom been closed on the 17th Okay, the bottom been closed on the 17th. Don't look up. What's the situation? He's gonna do six years 60 They're looking at 15 That means if it's federal time you do seven good behavior five and a half

They send you up to Lompoc you play tennis you learn how to milk cows, you know what I'm saying? It's not that bad. It's not going to fucking So they're taking you to jail and fucking them spraying base in your eyes You got that kid Yeah, when you don't listen, let me tell you something when you don't pay your taxes and they throw you in jail That ain't that bad. Hold on You've sat on this podcast that you didn't pay taxes for like a decade. You went in there and they said they said you're up on a plan Why can't he go on a plan because?

Listen, the plan is you when you fuck up and you forget to send your taxes in and you made nine $1000 one year as a comment. They don't give a fuck about that. Okay. It's when you make how much did he make? all right, uh He How much oh he defrauded them by almost 9 million 8.5 million you're gonna do with some fucking time But in three years 10 2010 to 2012, so it's nine million. He was selling a lot of autographs What would they get them? They got them on and then he tried to do something else nine million I don't know if it was the autographs. I might be wrong on that

bit fraudulent business deductions Income Five years down each account Oh, fuck they don't fuck around. He faces a maximum sentence of 10 years. Wow Oh, so he's got a great attorney So all the money I put away and all the money he stole he could have used a better accountant while he goes into an attorney Hey, bro, they got forensic account in the feds They go through your app. They found they find one discrepancy

That's why all these people for years would Write off everything in comedy and then comics started getting fucking whatever the fuck Because they were doing those business dinners and all that shit. Everything was a fucking write-off. No, it ain't No, it ain't Good luck You got to do something a little bit different They have people they're forensic accountants. That's what they do for a fucking living I

Carried the piece up What's going on? I don't know What's going on Tom Rodgers Man, no, I didn't fucking had a bullshit. You know vikings and you're acting like You're acting like somebody does you know what I'm saying? Unless you're holding out on me. You're holding you got some xanax. No, man. Uh, I haven't done xanax Tom I go so you're sober now. I'm sober. Yeah completely. Uh, I smoke Um

A little weed once in a while, but I have told you before my wife Who's from holland hates it? Okay, and I've had fucking people send me emails and I just tell you what think it man Just like do some edibles and don't tell her like yeah once I start telling a long story with a lot of pauses She knows You know the goose is cooked. Um, now she just You know, um, she only I only smoke minimal amount of times a month

and uh, treat it like a treat That type of thing has it changed you as a comic then because Don't work focused. I get more shit done. That's you know, because I used to I used to smoke like every day You were professional. What's up? You know, I hate when people use the I hate when people give people stereotypes You're a comic bro When you sign up to be the comic If you know like I I love june gaffigan. I love I love every fucking comic guy, you know, whatever Everybody has their lifestyle

But when I signed up to be a comic it was to do this till you ended up like fucking Lenny Bruce. Yeah, you know That was the book. I'm not gonna lie to you. Yeah me too man. All my heroes died fat Uh, naked and bloated on the bathroom tile. So You know, when you Dive into this you you hope that you get good you figure out how to do it She would figure out the lifestyle we want to live which is a no responsibility lifestyle whatsoever I don't really have an address. I got a p.o. Box somewhere in michigan And that's all you need. I didn't I didn't have an address for 10 years

It's you know, the weirdest thing when you commit to that life For somebody like lee it's imaginable But with comedy you could just drop out Of society right now, lee Like if you didn't want anybody to find you all you would have to do is just do Triple runs get under like a different name. No, you could use lee sciat You're still gonna pay taxes and do anything But nobody would know where you were you would discommunicate with everyone

With comedy you could do that With comedy that's the reason I did it When I fucking left boulder The main purpose was to discommunicate my life had been I already went to prison. I got divorced I I I steeled I lied. I got thrown out of fucking the university I got my gd. I quit high school when I dove into comedy in 1995 That was it. All that was was a pager and a p.o. Box jack You were not gonna get a hold of me. I did not want a cell phone

You I did not want responsibility. I wanted to be charles bronson in the single apartment With some books a little caught And the black and white tv and I was good to go. Yeah, that's why you got into it. I didn't expect to become You know All to have money in the beginning for years. I knew I was gonna suffer I do think I mean, I don't I don't really want to do that. See that's honestly That was part of my thinking whenever when anyone would ask me if I why I didn't do comedy is like I don't really Want like to do 10 years of like that like that doesn't really sound appealing when you guys tell those stories

But when you like you got to do it, you're never gonna get to the you're never gonna get to samurai status Without how long were you broke for before everything started clicking for you? Um 10 12 years remember when you're accepted being broke asleep on friends couches I used to hitchhike to gigs. I'd take grayhound buses in the south to do those buttfuck gigs You talked about earlier those comedy zones those shitholes. You were a fucking hitchhiking. You were 20s Well, no, I was like, uh, I started when I was 17. I went on the road at 18. So like 18 19 I'm in the backwater

Southern circuits And then when I was 20, I moved to new york city, you know, but 18 19 I was doing all those buttfuck gigs all over the south everywhere. I don't mind driving I don't I'll drive everywhere, but I need at least like a motel six or looking I can't I'm not I don't I don't like sleeping On people's houses. Did your family have money that's gonna pay for those hotels and gas and stuff? No, see that Yeah, that's the thing. It's hard. It's uh, no, let me see if you're starting in california too. It's a whole different world You know, here's the problem with me. You can sleep out on the grass anywhere. Here's the problem with me nobody's ever shut the lights off only

and uh, what does that mean To really build yourself up You really got to scrub some type of the bottom to really see the top You know, there's no motel six You know Take this job away from you and go on the road and live on 100 hours a night. You love this So in your heart, you will make it work that vokes wagon becomes uh

Previous Prius, uh, the back has a blanket See, I'd rather do that and sleep in like a looking crappy hotel cooler And you learn to adapt making sandwiches I would I could buy an RV and just do that. That's great. You could buy an RV. Listen to me the biggest gift I got from comedy Was the gift of survival learning how to survive We learned how to survive learned how to pee into a coke bottle while driving. Yeah No, there's no time to stop you just got to get to this gig you learn and you accept

You know, you'll take a gink for 75 bucks to break even Just to get the hotel room that night to cover you till you get the Santa Fe on friday The first gig I ever took out of florida was in Tulsa, Oklahoma I tried the the week to mc for 150 dollars I drew from or I drove from Orlando to Tulsa halfway across the country For I probably cost more than that in gas, you know, I'm sleeping in rest areas, you know, I mean, but I was like 1918-19 I was like and I just felt like I'll never forget pulling into the Tulsa city limits

I mean like I was like excited about it. I felt like I could have been doing like to tonight show or the SNL or something. I remember feeling like man, I'm in show business Yeah, you don't even yeah. Fuck. I'm gonna play in Tulsa. Fuck it. My first gig was My first triple gig was in Ogden, Utah A girl and her boyfriend just tweeted me the other day from Ogden And when I heard that name I went back into that that time for like two minutes How excited I was that I was performing in Ogden, Utah In my world, it was bigger than Las Vegas at that time. My shirt was ironed

My shoes were shine didn't matter. I bombed But what you looked great when I looked good I looked and you know, like that lead that's it's a different mindset You're just so happy to be That somebody's paying you for what you've done for the last four years for free That that's the last start you had I'm asking them to get me the hotel. No, no, no, no, listen to me You probably got three hundred and eighty dollars in your account

When you get this two dollar gig, which is gonna cost you one hundred and fifty to get there and gas them back You're not gonna has nobody for a hotel. I ain't gonna talk to you. This is all done by email You have no negotiation They tell you two hundred hours and sleeping in your car and your car breaks down and then yeah, you live Listen Dean Delray is 50 and I've seen him do things that I admire Dean Delray Because Dean Delray will do a comedy show and wait till 10 o'clock And tap into that website that gives you two hundred dollar hotel rooms for 38. Oh, yeah, I'll do that

And that motherfucker will sit in there till five minutes after 12 the next day. He'll get room service. He'll live like a doctor That there's a way if you really love something right it happens You don't know I have no time thanks. I thought no you go three days without a motel And you'll love what you're doing You'll love eating no subway sandwiches You'll love pulling over rolling those joints And peeing outside in the winter and peeing in the snow It's just becoming I remember being a weed, but you wouldn't make it a hotel room. Listen who cares?

I'd rather have weed in a hotel room and have a story to tell Any day of the week me and jody ferding are driving on the five on a triple run And we've got a two-door car That the back seat the trunk fits nothing There's a two-door car. It was a Saturn two-door Uh coupe and the back was up to the top with woman's clothes Like I had a suitcase

But jody ferding had enough clothes To go away for 10 years And on the top that was a white shirt With a fucking beautiful her favorite white shirt to wear she would wear it on Friday nights Because it showcased the tits She's passed out. I'm in the fucking car. She's like joey We should stop and get a hotel in those days. We never had but she was getting 85 bucks and I was getting 175 I wasn't dating. I wasn't paying for the hotel room if she was freezing I was fucking freezing

And I'll never forget. I was smoking a cigarette with the window, but I would throw the cigarettes out the window And I one of those I'm sitting I'm like, man this car smells fucked up And I look back and I see jody's white shirt with a six inch hole and it's smoking I had to fucking take the shirt while she was sleeping and throw it out the window And something else she owned and I took like a jacket of mine and put it there like nothing ever happened For three years. She kept asking me. I never knew what happened to that white shirt I should call the hotel and shit now. I live on fire Like those of the adventures league

Adventures going in that car. I love driving. That's that's that's that part sounds like fun Just doing open mics across the country. You know, you imagine a world that doesn't exist Yeah, no, we're everything's fine. There's no struggle. Yeah, he's delusional I don't pay my rent since I've moved out here. I don't know where you're like to tie this into You know, you ask me about being sober and everything another Thing about How I'm conducting my life right now is I'm trying to get some shit done You know, I've been working on this book

For like six seven years now. I wrote the first draft Finished that like about a year ago. So I'm trying to get this book Ready for publication. So like it's got these insane road stories from when I first went on the road My life, you know, uh, when I had the sitcom when I had the late night talk show in amsterdam Getting maced in paris the almost drowning in thailand all these like Insane stories that have happened to me as a comedian. I mean my you know, epic life basically and um You know, my dad was killed by a drunk driver. My sister died of breast cancer I got married at her hospital bedside hours before

She died of cancer, you know, I've had a pretty fucking epic story So, uh, uh, you know, a lot of these a lot of comedians put out these books and they're these little cream puff Fucking 105 page books and it's their act that's transcribed and it's like double spaced the sentences It looks like a third grade book with like big thick letters to like so it can fill 100 pages You know, I mean mine is like a Work, I mean mine's gonna be I don't know how many pages Uh, I'm trying to To chop it down, but I mean it's a it's a legitimate book. I mean, it's you know

Uh, I hate to use the word literature, but uh, it's not a cream puff comedians Fluff book of his fucking jokes written, you know Huh So the fact that I'm not smoking pot every day, um, I've been able to whip this into shape fairly, uh, fairly well Because you were a wild guy. I want to know how it affected your stand-up at night To to to go sober. Yes Uh, it was great. I think the, um Beginning when you make the adjustment it takes it takes a minute. I think

You know, my my father I've always been a heavy drinker and uh, my philosophy was always, you know, give me more drugs and Uh, my dad who I was very close with My dad's the reason I'm a comedian. He's killed by a drunk driver and um I I I was I was I was pretty um I was pretty sad over that and then my sister died of breast cancer a year and a half later. So Uh, I kind of went into the I I saw no joy in life And I really started drinking heavily more than I ever did and I started to look like shit

And I my I started to get this white puffy, you know, I white guys who have that puffy alcoholic face with the big bulbous nose and uh, I I looked like shit and I was sluggish and um I blacked out in Philadelphia and busted my head open and just decided to stop You told us that the last time you were here. I just wanted to know Because I noticed a lot of young comics out there You know, when the when the thought came to my mind that Anna stops nought and coke

I was like my career is done Like I'll never be funny again. Like that's the first thought I had Like I thought that the look at this poor bastard Get the napkin, please get the napkin Get the get the are you gonna throw up Lee? I don't know Jesus Christ when I gotta live he's gonna vomit Here, let me get you a bucket or something. I'll let you know. I'll let you know What's the matter? What do you mean? What's the matter? What are you gonna puke from? What did you eat that you're gonna puke from?

What is the fucking problem? I saw you over there drinking water crinkling the fucking bottle. Then you switched bottles. What happened? Are you thinking about motel sixes? I'm thinking about what's worse than motel sixes. Nothing. There's nothing worse. Yes, there are. I've seen a lot of Worse motel. Well, where you go and all those FBMB's when you got the rash The FBMB in Long Beach. That's terrible. You're the fucking kiss of death on your own. You don't even need a fucking travel agent This guy picks the worst little cows ever And then he goes into a jacuzzi. He gets a he gets one of those rashes from the 70s

Yeah, another FBMB and he FBMB you go to you get VD VD wasn't even around anymore and he fucking got it got it Someone has to get it. It's uh, it's a scary thought for a lot of people. What to go sober to absolutely I think it's fine. I found it's made me a better comedian because I'm more focused on stage I got the I mean, I was always, you know, I the the thing I always said about comedy the best thing about comedy is It's the only job you can show up half in the bag and everybody's still happy to see it You know, uh, but I mean, I was the party guy forever and I enjoyed it. Uh, I don't regret anything I was there with you a couple nights

You and I we went hard and let it fuck Houston when we met. Oh my god and uh, you can't Houston is some of the purest cocaine available in America and you would go to these towns and you would start on tuesday and it was Every night till fucking sunday morning at sunday morning. You were at the fucking airport eating those breakfast tacos thinking yourself. Thank god the fucking week is over Yeah, I was I flew back from paris. I changed planes in atlanta And um, Atlanta was always a fun town for me and I just remembered like that airport

I've I've I've been in that airport like on like where I would party all night after the last You know, I have so many great friends in atlanta and the staff that worked at the club and I just remember just going to that airport after party and all night and I have flown on um, every possible substance and high And I I think the best way to fly is definitely sober Way better than you know still on mushrooms still high still drunk still whatever I like smoking a joint Or eating the park cooking getting on a plane. I'm not gonna lie to nobody Getting on a plane hungover a night before to me. That is just

death death I remember drinking till five and the car picking you up at seven. Yeah, and you showing up in your eyes are just Beaming of alcoholism and drug use and they look at you in the counter They look at your god, jesus christ Yeah, and you just read you could brush your teeth 18 times and you could fucking do 19 listerines and take a shower What was coming out of your pores was pure fucking I would smell it I smelled it at the airport this sunday was a UFC

So a lot of the guys were going home that and I smelled that smell on the plane Both it coming out of your body and it coming out of your breath It's I can't deal with I couldn't deal with that 20 years ago That was horrible getting high and having to fucking fly. That's a horrible fucking feeling That I don't know how people do. I applaud you. You're the king of it. I did for a long time I applaud you. I would just party and all night get on a plane. Fuck you go straight to the airport Yeah, I think I so now you know, I mean, I think I've reached some kind of level of maturity And you're an adult you've been doing this for 30 years. You've done it all right next week

February 4th will be 34 years 34 years. You've heard every story. I've lived every story I mean you've gone to every you know, you're traveling internationally is fucking amazing. Yeah, it's great And you know what I think what I've found is um, you like the who's the guy they found in Santa Monica Whitey bold you like the whitey bone You know Like my wife has conditioned me to like if I if I smoke pot to Make it a special occasion and it's you know, like if I'm hanging out with joey Diaz

It's a special occasion. It's got to be somebody who's a good friend of mine. You know what I'm saying? I can't she doesn't want me, you know, um getting high with open micers fucking random people and Like I said, I think my my life is more focused now I'm really sharp on stage while I'm telling a joke or a story my my rolodex Is in my brain. All right. I got this and fucking this we can take him this way we can it's uh, it's I I I'm a I'm very happy with uh The way things are right now for me

You know, I'm also because I I wanted to ask you because I know I feel the difference. I For me it was 10 years to blow, you know Rifa I could I could do I could do the national anthem on rifa. I love it That's doesn't affect me on stage or if I don't do it a lot of times. I don't do it and I think it's I think I have too much energy when I don't get high sometimes Well, you're right, buddy. What's going on when you talk to uncle joey? You got me concerned I'm very you're like the first time you're the first time I did your podcast. I think that I think that's what's very sorry You tell the story about your dad and your sister. Okay, and I looked at him because he was fucking making faces

That was killing me. I don't know what the fuck was going on. Look at him. You're right. Maybe like a headache or something I don't know. You got the headache What's the matter though? You think you got a fucking tumor? Maybe five edibles wasn't a good idea. No, we had six six what We had two of the cushies and the four of those whatever those fucking those things are like 800 milligrams of peas Yeah, don't worry about nothing. No, no, they're fine He's all right. This poor kid. No, I I remember I had some edibles a couple years ago

And it felt like it felt like waiting for an illness to pass. It was nothing enjoyable, but no, man He's used to bring a little pillow here Before the niggas Chee-Chee leaves she'll rub his shoulder. She got hockey puncture She'll put a needle in this temple I'm having a stroke that could be happening I hope not later on with Christ Jesus Christ knock on wood that bong it Took it to the next levels and shit. Do you want to do another one?

Just straighten you up a little bit San Francisco punch sign February 7th to the 10th. I'll be at sidesputters in Tampa February 22nd through the 25th, and then what's your international schedule like? Uh, yeah, well, I'm gonna I'm gonna do uh end of March. I'm doing this This magners comedy tour it's uh I'm doing uh Bangkok and then it's on on my website and then I'm gonna do Hanoi Ho Chi Minh City, and then I'm gonna do Manila and Boracay Philippines and then I'm going to Hong Kong

And then uh, that's that's the beginning of April end of March beginning April End of June. I'm gonna go back to Tokyo. I'm doing Tokyo in Osaka And then in August I think I'm gonna do Shanghai and I'm gonna go back to Mongolia. I did Mongolia last um Months ago. Is there you laughing at Lee because he's so fucked up He's rough with his head Because he's playing with him his own head is playing with him Like he was sitting there thinking he was getting the stroke. I saw his face He's like, maybe I'm having this while I like that if you were having a stroke you'd still finish the show

I think that's why they're mild strokes. I like three of them All right, what happens is you puke a little bit. It's white. It's foamy You're taking that You get up. You're you're a little dizzy. I don't think like my entrance covers the mild stroke You only have to go to the doctor. I've had a couple mile strokes at the house. No, baby He's just laying bed watch long order You get uh, the girlfriend to make some chicken noodle soup and you'll be fine tomorrow You don't have to do another podcast this week. I think in this what's that?

This is why I say that you're always in training This is no training. This is craziness. How many? You have not done an edible Since we came back from awesome. I've been giving you a breather. I figured you go this sunset herbal Get yourself some chiba-choos on your own begin. You're not even conscientious. No more. You've lost it I can't do apples like this every night. You know, it's not like this every night, but you gotta It's training. You got to do this three four nights a week. No, you don't that's why when you go do comedy at night You stop at the weed store first

Then you pop the edibles and then you do comedy. So when you get off the stage Bang bang boom Not up there when you get off stage. I don't that'll help you kick the the adrenaline will help you kick But that's a complete different lesson. I'm trying to have a conversation with mr. Rhodes here I'm about international. So do me a favor and stop making funny faces. You're not gonna make me funny You're not gonna die and if you do don't worry about I got a place where to drop you off. Thank you Nobody's ever gone. He left last night. What are you talking about? He was here. He did the potka. He didn't see him He didn't leave a note nothing nobody saw

Over about a 170 there's a little spot in there We can drop off people nobody knows nothing There's a hawk up there. Do you want to be that girl in that? In that the big dick show, don't you? Oh, absolutely from godfather, too It's what he's gonna be dreaming career opportunities it's

you know I I've always admired you I really have because I learned something from you that you know I got into comedy for all the I didn't get into comedy to be on tv. I didn't get into comedy to do movies I got into comedy to disappear I got into comedy to play shit states

and play shit holes Just to survive if I could just survive and pull a little bit of money away and live that life of riley that we all admire that guy that you know Ever seen we're major league Yeah, what's uh, what's the catcher who plays the catcher in that moment? Nobody remembers Fuck tom barringer Oh, yeah, tom barringer's character is great. He gets a phone call. He's got two naked women on the bed

And he wakes up drunk and he's playing the mexican baseball league and he lives in the whorehouse and you know And that's your life and you wait for the major leagues to call you but until then you survive And someday you get old and you die you accept that you know what I'm saying like that's what I accepted comedy to be I was gonna be tom barringer In the fucking whatever. I was just gonna be a minor league Comedian I was never gonna attain any success if I ever did come out. He had to be an extra But my whole passion with comedy was that I didn't have to have a day job

I didn't nobody needed to know who I was like that's it. I would call a booker. He would book me and that was it Nobody knew nothing I loved that idea when I read that book You know, he he did strip clubs Lenny Claude Lenny Bruce So he would do strip clubs go back to the Chelsea shoot heroin and sleep till fucking Four in the afternoon wake up to get a bagel and locks. Who's better than that? Who's better than that? No responsibility. No phones No, nothing. You don't even want people calling you

That's what I thought comedy was obviously became something else And my life turned into something else, you know, but that first couple of years Especially when you realize you need to live on the road to become a good comic to get a good comic foundation You just become a notemad like I was a notemad and I know you were all you're the king of the notemads But I that's not what I learned from you. I learned that when you get into comedy You look at The spectrum and you go, you know what the highlight of my career would be getting the tv show And for you that wasn't the highlight of your career

You became a great comic The tv show was one of just one of the many things that you did that didn't define you. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, there's some comedians that were great comics. They got a tv show Then they just forget about being the comics I respected all that level But I also respected what you did because I remember seeing you at the improv maybe Four months after the show was cancelled. You didn't have a nice look on your face. Yeah It was at the melrose improv. I could be wrong the timing

But the look on your face wasn't I didn't know you personally I still liked the show and I liked what you didn't win all the comedy I used to watch I was a young comic watching you And I always thought that after a comic show we get cancelled They would just wrap it up and go to sell real estate. You didn't do that Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, you know like after who who could tolerate that like my show got cancelled You Margaret show you guys didn't give a fuck. It made you a better motherfucking comic. Yeah Well, I mean, you know, it wasn't I mean it wasn't that easy. I mean it was kind of chilling. Yes. I understand that

You know like Show business goes ice cold on you and people you thought were your friends stop taking your call It's crazy and I stuck around la for for like a year after the sitcom was finished and You know people who I I thought were my friends and you know, even my manager stopped taking my calls and It's pretty fucking chilling and then that's why I was like, you know Fuck this town and I moved to new york to Get deep back into stand-up comedy and then also like I said, I started using that money to take trips to london Because london is a massive

Um stand-up comedy town, you know and and brilliant comedy comes out of there and You know, there's people in new york and london and all they care about is stand-up and they don't give a shit about About tv. So and and all I Cared about was stand-up. I didn't that that that tv show was just uh, it was just a blip You're you still with us link? so far It's so weird when I learned the last Oh my god, you know

It wasn't just doing comedy It was also learning About life. I saw a dear friend of mine that Got a big deal twice And I saw how His manager would be everywhere if you saw him You saw his manager, right once the deal fell through. I never saw the manager. I didn't even know Yeah, I knew the deal felt through because I went somewhere and he wasn't with the manager anymore

Yeah, I was like this is deal felt through and even though I would ask him. Oh, yeah, it's still a lot, you know But that has to be Like the way, you know, I was writing about it this last week Like when I got out of fucking county jail the first time for kidnapping and my bail and my name was in the paper In my mind, I thought that you knew like even if I didn't know you and I was shopping, right? And you look at me I go You have like this feeling that people are looking at you as an experience To go through that it was a two-week period

Or I thought when I went to a restaurant to order eggs She was looking at me because I just got out of county jail for kidnapping And I think it would be the same if I had a show And it got cancelled like you think people are looking at all that's happening. There's no shows I don't even know the fucking you want like don't even watch tv You know, but then the people who were close to you That's the weirdest thing

ever When people just stop returning your calls. It's the weirdest fucking feeling. Yeah, you know When I was in the longest yard Adam Sandler has his right hand man You know, many times I call him in the daytime to get directions or something and some phone I mean the day I was off the set he never picked up the phone again. Well It's crazy. Yeah Well, you know, that's uh

20 years later Yeah, well, that's why having performed on every continent and you know, and I had I had many more tv shows after that so Um, but it wasn't even about the shows It's about you stand up at the end. Yeah, that's all this has been about the 34 year journey You never stopped And I'm better than that And I think like if if we boil it down and then that's You know, I'm I'm I'm telling the story in my book. I mean, you know, everything has been for stand-up comedy

You know, I moved to new york or I'm so I moved to new york for for stand-up I moved to europe You know everything because you know, your human experiences are where you're the best comedy material comes from the truth The life you've lived, you know, and so traveling the world moving to europe all these things and then I think ultimately me because for for years partying and Uh, I I got great stories for my act, uh, you know, I so much of my show is, you know Still x stories of excess and then I think it came to a point where

Um, I knew I could be a better comedian if I wasn't fucking drunk every night And when I busted my head open in philadelphia, you know the next day, I I that is the reason why I stopped drinking because I thought, you know, what was your typical drinking day? Well, I mean not not i'm talking about what I ran with you I'm talking about even then you were rocking them roll always No, and that's the thing and I got to the club with me at a quarter eight Yeah, and you get two or three at a shot or something. Well, yeah, then after the show then that's when the columbians showed up You know saying the uh, the hamburger helper for uh for the booze. Yeah

um A normal evening would be like You know, like when I busted my head open it was pretty surprising because it was a pretty normal evening. I had 10 pints of sierra nevada And oh, yeah, I do that. That was it. If I didn't know that was that that was that was that was a thursday And I'll pass out. You know, uh, if I was drinking wine, I would drink. Well, you know If I like if I wasn't uh at a club and getting them by the glass I'd drink probably Uh, you know two or three bottles

Uh, maybe sometimes squeeze out a fourth one. You know, I love booze And I've always been able to handle it and stay up all night. You know, I was a fucking tank How crazy is that? I'm so obvious That that's not one of my shortcomings Like i'm like a fucking retard Like I like my little marijuana and even though I stopped doing the pills and the fucking drinking and the snort The drinking was never my problem But I wish I could look a man in the face

I really do all my life There was a couple of years when I was doing it because I was doing coke And I was trying to act like fucking don johnson So I would see and try to always get a a drink. You know, but it's not my forte It's not my forte to look at lee and go Let's go have three beers at a bar and sit there. I don't know why it's never Been in me. I wish I could I mean, every once in a while, man, I'll wake up one day and go

Man, I go for a fucking cold. I like it. It'll take me eight days to get that beer That's how much of a scary cat I am like when it comes to alcohol You don't drink on planes because you really die That's what killed karry fish and that and this weed The same weed that lee got the headache from this is the weed that killed karry fish. No way. Yeah, it's the weed She smoked the night before no way No, but I wish I was a social drinker If I could do it again, I wish

I could Like in the 70s all the tv shows had Bottles with no labels on them and people if you walked in the thing automatically I didn't even ask it. It was No, Kishi, what are you drinking tonight? No, it was brown. That's all you needed to know I went I opened up a thing. I put three ice cubes in there I put three fingers in and I handed it to you. There was no i'm driving There was no i'm not I don't have an uber app

There was no I have a meeting in 20 minutes. You fucking drank that thing tick top magoo like nothing happened You know how how bad I wish I could do that tom runs It was it was never in me I go into a comedy club What the fuck we're headliners we can drink whatever the fuck you want I go to a fucking bar and I'll sit there at the comedy club and I'll look at every bottle And analyze it and at the end go There's nothing I really want

I want anazette Like if the you know, uh, what's anazette? What's the the gorilla the gorilla anise? Yeah, I need a gorilla. Why that's so Oh, over ice. That's just delicious. I like quantro Over ice who drinks quantro only a half a fact like me Drink quantro. Can I get it? I want to buy my friend a friend jellico. Please. Oh my god A friend jellico with a fucking splash a fucking Baby's irish cream and a little fucking cream and you're shaking up with ice cubes

Oh Twenty two dollars nothing happens the only drinks I see him with have whipped cream in the who you One time you saw me One night I went in there and they were making uh Uh, pinion coladas and I told the guy give me a drink and put some whipped cream on but I don't have pink ones too No, I don't have a fucking color, but it's weird I could never just go into a bar with tom rhodes and go give me uh, give me a fucking A do or do is on the rocks crown and ginger would have beer back and give my friend whatever the fuck

He's drinking and by the time the bartender gets to you you already do the fucking The fucking do is and give it to the glass Like here go get another one before the party even starts. I don't know a lot of periods, man I used to you know drink stoly on ice. I just I love I loved booze. I love gin and tonics Wine gin and tonics are great with a lot of lime in it and short Yeah, for some reason a tall gin and tonic wasn't my shit But a short one after I couldn't do a couple of blasts to cope forget about it I would tell you any story you wanted to hear you know what I'm saying

I also like do is on the rocks when I was snorting I think when I turned 70, I think I might have I started having like a glass of wine every time Yeah, no once you hit 70 He's like I like hanging out in Paris in Rome And there's something cool about sitting in a cafe sipping a glass of wine What I'm not going to go back to the fucking staying up all night. No, no snort going cold Yeah, yeah, yeah That's uh, I could there's nights where I watch narcos or something

It's life's higher Life's higher wisdom isn't coming from fucking doing coke all night. No anymore and we thought it did for a long time Yeah, who the fuck were we looking at how wrong we were It's so weird how sometimes I see people doing coke on narcos Or the other show. I love that show when I turn the show off. I like going to the office and think about What would happen if I haven't done a lot like I don't even Have a desire to stick anything how disgusting is that Putting a dollar bill up, you know, that is the most disgusting

Fucking thing you could ever fucking do in your life. You know that you know, many fucking diseases you get from that I had a war removed in my nose. It had to be from what it had to be from dollars or something Something was in my nose That grew for a long time Like a fucking snot that wouldn't come out. It was connected I'm not gonna lie. No, but anyway, I don't even one of my aunts older aunts Uh got hepatitis C years ago and she told me um Always always use your own dollar. Yeah

That's what that was very uh Very helpful, you know Air family heirloom advice to pass down So I'm happy for you. Thanks, man You're off the booze. You look good. Let me give some shout outs real quick to some fucking tremendous people Uh your nephews, I I hope they still listen to the show The fucking tip top Tony whatever the fuck his name is

quality Tony over there in vegas Don't fucking uh, you know, hold on cocksucker and don't make me find that kind of clever dead movie star bro Jimmy Nunya, Anthony j Miles b mk ultron Rob molly ryan mcgawley and alan alec and my girl Chee-chee whether you kid me or what anyway

And I I I have a new album out on itunes. It's called all hail laughter Since when when did it come out? It came out like a month ago. Did you really? So see what i'm saying guys Most people's tv show would have got canceled. They would have rent Ran under a tent got a real estate had nine ugly kids and then told their kids They did comedy with Joe Rogan, but not tom rhodes For tom rhodes, there was just a bump in the road. He didn't give a fuck. He knew what his true calling was stand up his mind And that's all that I was born and put on this for you young comics that are getting into this because you think of all this other Shit that comes with it that don't don't even do it. Don't even waste your time

Just go to college and go to theater and jump up and down But if you want to get down like this other my poor little struz friend When I least want to some more talent. You don't even think like that The passion to do stand up the passion to be a fighter The passion to go to the olympics, whatever your fucking passion is you don't look at a fucking a couch for me In 1998 was the fucking four seasons. You know what I mean? Yeah, like I was sleeping in a fucking dot And b210 and I loved it And to wake up with no chiropractor and to get back in the car like those triple runs you have to

Drive eight hours from one gig to the next How do you think you get there lee? You click your heels. You take a flight You got to drive so sometimes if a show started at 7 30 for example I would say lee we're gonna call the fucking hotel and see if they can check the senate 6 a.m What are you talking about? We're driving after the show So we could sleep all day. You're following me like you did things like that. That's absolutely, you know And I understand roughing and I and that's what I was That's what I said at the beginning of this is that that was one of the things that deterred me from it

but it I can see now where the Like some of the love came in you guys Man fucking love is love whatever you have a passion for guys Don't think about money. Just make believe there's no fucking money involved Close your eyes and go into it and and go. This is what I'm going for If you're good and if you do the fucking work you're supposed to do The money will come later. I guarantee you but you got a clock in every day

But joey my deadline is four years. Listen go for 20 Go for 20 if you get into something like this go. It's going to be 20 years before I fuck Yeah, let's go and be able to go. I'm going to give it two years. Yeah, you're gonna give it two years If I ain't famous in two years It doesn't work that way guys You got to put your heart into this shit. That's all I need to tell you Lee next time get it together like I told you people in the beginning of the show

All right, it's valentine season and you want that muffler to be fresh Just in case you bump into an important significant other This could be your wife But you don't want to make a bad impression with skid marks on your underwear And your asshole smelling like 10 dead billy goats. That's why you need to go to hello tushy.com again. Hello tushy They have a beautiful portable the day that comes in all colors It takes 10 minutes to install and it'll change your life You don't have an idea what life is

So you go to the bathroom take the biggest shit of your life And then you just open your legs let that water go into your muffler. You have no idea You gotta you gotta watch that ass joe. You gotta watch that ass. That's why you gotta go to hello tushy.com right now If you want to get far in this life, you got to keep it clean. You got to keep it clean. You heard it from the man That's international Okay, international this guy got crabs and fucking Malaysia Who does that? Do you have that on your fucking resume? Anyway, go to hello and you know how I got rid of it. How fucking

Baday, uh, what's it called it? Hello tushy.com go to hello tushy and press in church and get 10% off Your next portable bidet for valentine's day get your grandmother a gift. She's 80 her asshole smells like that Let her die with respect and dignity. Let that little old bat die with respect and dignity Get her a portable bidet you install it it comes in different colors Listen, just go to hello tushy.com. You're gonna love me for this That's your valentine's present for your significant other, right? I'm pressing church. I'm giving you 10% off What are you feeling right now? Lee? What are you?

What is in your heart right now? Lee? You're sitting there looking at me like mongo jr Oh, um, I'm doing come come good, man. Yes response time is so slow. I love it I thought it was gonna be like the echo chamber Everything we say is like I thought that there was the beginning to the next day. No, there's no beginning to no exact I'm just asking you how you doing to make sure you feel good. Oh pressure on my head sometime Nobody hit you in the head. Correct. I just want you to make sure you say on tape So the cops don't come here and try to sue me 10 years from now because I hate you that the bong did not touch your head Oh, I'm like, correct. I don't think so. Okay as long as we all know that you're gonna get through this way

You did a bong hit. Maybe it went the wrong way. What are you feeling? It's pressure. Where? Uh, in my face and your face All right, we're gonna call 911. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think I don't think so Listen to me. I got a neck brace in the car. We can make this look good. I could throw you off the balcony And we can see it's hard to talk because I take so many edibles. I don't want to call 911. No, no, you'll be fine You'll be fine. Let's call 911. But let me throw you off the balcony. So we collect All I want is a small 10 points

I won't make you land on your head. We'll land you on your shoulder. If I go to the hospital. It's gonna be the end of that I can't I don't know I'm on why'd you take six edibles late? He didn't take six edibles. I don't know what you took He took how many did you take two edibles? He took a few those edibles. Look at look at me. Look at me This guy do I even look anything? No, you took six. I saw you even took nothing. There's nothing wrong He he probably went to that wholesale sushi place again I hate that fucking bat blood homie seeds. What do you for dinner jersey mikes? Again

How many times you're gonna go to jersey mikes a couple times a week and what did you eat tonight turkey and roast beef together? Yeah, oh jesus christ. I'm fine. That's how malusia died mixing it. That's how malusia died. You're right mixing it up You got to do one or the other you got to pick a country jack. It's tight You're taking number six with probe alone. It's like six points with lettuce tomato and fucking onions You know what that roast beef does to you don't blame it on the edibles You're all pale and shit. Does your lung hurt? I mean It did for a little bit before this. Yeah

Well, you want to do another bongan? Not really. All right, because the bongan let us know at least at the bongan Jesus christ Jesus, how you get the headache you didn't eat dinner. That's what it was you Don't forget people. I told you seriously earlier So saturday nights already sold out. So all you guys thursday and friday and denver At comedy works in the following week. I'm in alabama and after that i'm having surgery So don't play no fucking games people. All right. I'm having the insurgy. I'll be in and out. No, no, no, never fear Uncle joey's here. You understand me little anesthesia. I go in at nine and i'm home by 12 o'clock. It's fine

And i won't get carsick no more. Hopefully once they take the two about I won't get carsick. So that's the fucking plan people But before that don't forget the 55th birthday. Uncle joey's double nickel birthday show The 17th of the month at the ice house the small room tickets are gonna go fast whatever they're cheap It's a saturday night workout before I go to denver and at least I get to see some certain some church soldiers Fucking on my on my 55th birthday. I get to see some action I can't get fucked up because I gotta drive home But you know me always when there's a will there's a way

So i'll say yeah, it'll be 55 years old. Um, wow, I just turned 51. I thought i'm on january I thought i'd be lucky if i'd made it to 37 Keep you got anything you want to report You sure you don't want to say nothing. No special report Get you get you guy Anyway, listen to me like I said to you earlier I'm gonna take care of you for valentine's day You want to look good with your significant others valentine's day, correct? Then check out me undy's

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And why be alone again? I'm hooking you up. I'm getting your muffler washed and buffed and i'm getting your sexy underwear Why are you gonna be alone? You can't get to know somebody just by looking at their picture. That's the problem. All right If you're trying to online date Chances are you've run into lazy text messages and just that in conversations and random matches that don't turn into dates Let me tell you some lee. How great is he harmony? It was great. It's uh, it really takes the time to like when you're when you sign up It takes a little bit of time, but it's Really matches you with a good person and you had other time you were at other dating services, correct?

Correct. I've had e-harmony is the way to go. Absolutely. It's the best one out there. It's e-harmony is unlike many other dating It's unlike many other online dating site e-harmony takes steps that other dating sites don't in order to find you a more compatible match They're built to help you find lasting Meaningful relationship not a shallow hookup site. All right. They have helped over a million people Find their perfect match e-harmony uses years and years of science data and psychological research To send you the right matches. It also Brings compatible people together. That's what e-harmony is about. There are plenty of hookup sites out there

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There's only one app. That's brick built to bring your real love and that's e-harmony Come see e-harmony.com and see how they can change your life. All right Come see e-harmony and see how they can change your life Go to e-harmony.com and get started enter code church and let's get your love Year started. All right. I want to thank e-harmony. I want to thank me undies and we want to thank Hello tushy for a tremendous january. I'll see you guys next week february I want to thank my man tom rhodes. Thank you, joe and don't forget to go see him Love and respect is there a tom rhodes dot com tom rhodes dot net tom rhodes dot net for future dates. Listen

Have a great weekend. I love you guys. Stay black. See you at the ice house Hit it league You You You You You You

Oh You You You You When she was I Does

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