Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #559 - George Perez

Episode Date: February 15, 2018

George Perez, Comedian seen on "Payaso Comedy Slam" and heard as the host of the, "George Perez Stories" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Vincero Watches - Dont just get a watch, elevate your game and get  a Vincero Watch. Get yours at getthewatch.net and our listeners get 15% off when they use promo code CHURCH.   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 02/13/2018.

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I Have no idea when this song came out But I'll tell you what it's the truth. This jam is a fucking monster Rocky Mountain Changes Jesus Christ So church of what's happening now you bad motherfuckers greetings George Perez here. What's I add to here? What's up Papa? What's up my boy? You know, man

I just wanted to fucking see you so I'm glad it's tough. I'm down there. You know, I'm you know I got a fucked up here So I try to go to the store because I get sick on a little canyon. So I puked him I get down there Oh, yeah, I gotta go to the store smelling like some fucking bomb It's kind of embarrassing I Only go down there once a week twice a week, you know, besides that I just stick around the pay. How you doing? You look good. God bless you. You're still here 24 hell. Yeah, dog banging it out It's the fuck them prison tried to stop you but fuck you're like Tupac

Fuck it. I don't bail fish out of jail, California Fuck it. One of the fools that I fought in there to just hit me up. I don't know. He hit me up on Instagram He's like, hey homie, you know me as this and we had a little miscommunication It's like I'm not tripping and just glad you're doing good and I was like fuck This is a setup wanted to meet up in shit. Good people change. Yeah. No, it was good. He did change people change Yeah, you can't you can't that's why I hate these accusations. Look at cha chi now So you're gonna tell me this happened 20 years ago. Is that what they're saying now cha chi from from happy days And then he had no way out for a while

You can't people change if there were pedophile, maybe they were honed up. Maybe they could did coke the night before You don't know that fucking situation. Yeah, you don't know the situation and happiness people don't ever want to come clean So then you're fucked You know just say listen I did 22 weight balls the night before and I was still honed up that day and you showed up with that little bikini top And you drove me fucking crazy and I figured I'd tell you and I want to squeeze one of your tits and sniff them You know when I was doing drugs that they creepy shit we all do dogs Yeah, I mean I've done some kind of creepy shit

But I mean like I kind of feel mean you have this sensor or when you're like Like when I take the dress off and she hasn't said a word like in 90 seconds I'm like a are you cool or like am I scaring you know that they know what time it is You don't go back to the apartment what I do with an eight ball not your fucking right even if you're married You know you're gonna show me a pussy. You have to do something. I mean, that's just street level type shit You come over you do an eight ball Don't hit me with some story at six in the morning. You got to go you did that snort now. You got to show me some Yeah, let me sniff your bra

Something is that type of body and that's the truth. That's that's guys mentality. Oh, yeah, that's the way guys mentality's always been You know, it's just something it's just I Used to bring girls to the crib and have coke speed Fucking PCP every weed and be like, what's up? Do you want to hang out or do you want to go home? You tell them the truth. Listen if we do this And they'll look at you. Yeah, I'm already fucked up. I'm up here. I got nowhere to go. I live six miles away I don't have cab fare. I'm gonna have to do something cook suck something to get home anyway Put the lamp up fucking horrible horrible. What's gonna happen now?

Everybody's only got a finger pointed about something they did 30 fucking years ago You know, we're talking about the other day with Ali about You know, uh, they're tripping on Ali. No, no, no, no, we were talking about Quincy Jones went off talking. Oh, yeah Business and shit. Did you hear what he said? He said a bunch of crazy shit. You know, it's Everybody wants attention. We live in that light dog. That's what these people do. They they seek attention So they got how to do each other. I didn't get fucked and he asked he didn't rape me once He raped me three times really he came over three times to rape you now

You gotta come out with this. You know every day is always fucking something. This is Los Angeles These people are broken. We're broken as performers. So yeah along the line We saw somebody getting stabbed something fucking happened. Fuck. Yeah, and uh, it stays with you for a long fucking time What do you think happens when you give these idiots this fuel you give them? You give these young people a fire. What do you think they do and you girls and you guys or whoever Don't fucking Help any of you. You know what you're fucking bullshit love of faith You don't even know these people and you're going down there with a poster. What the fuck is wrong with you?

You don't even know these fucking people. This guy's a fucking mammogram around the outside But in today's world, we don't even care You know, we don't even care. It doesn't really matter. Listen, man. We're talking about last uh last night like paul mooney sucked Richard prized dick. It's one of the wow or something like that. Does that make me hate paul mooney? No He's one of my mentors What am I doing? You know what I'm saying like what we choose to pick and decide What's right and what's wrong in our world? Yeah, some people like to go darker. They were just like fuck it You know, I always made the point about the sopranos one of the most interesting thing about the sopranos is

That whenever you watch the sopranos your wife watched it with you or your girlfriend. It was that good of a show Yeah, but you cheated on his wife once every two episodes What do you like an episode? Yeah, yeah, America watched it. They understood it. They told her what he was This shit's been going on for fucking years But you know what if you fell into something 20 years ago before you open your mouth contact that person Yeah, I say hey man 20 years ago. You said something or did something So I just didn't dig and and and you know You got changing me and made me

And then you go listen. I'm sorry, you know, what can I do to apologize or something like that? If you want to go to the press go to the press I went to prison for kidnapping. You don't see him crying. I put him in the trunk of a fucking car You don't see him fucking don't give him any ideas. No, he's a great guy. He's coming on the show like in november He's coming on three weeks We talked man. You got your kidnapped victim coming Bro, I talked to that dude. I have to From my own peace of mind, I'm one of those dudes

I just told the story about giving bobby leadent and the money I owed him and sent I just sent him a check monday in the mail. What'd you do to bobby? I borrowed 400 didn't pay him back 20 fucking years ago for a thing You know, it was like a coat that that went wrong. I'm one of those guys bro that You know, I fucked up. Yeah, I fucked up. I know it before too. I fucked up And now if it was a let me explain something to you. I owe a thousand people $20,000 for coke They're not gonna see a red dime

Those people don't see a red dime. They play the game. They knew what they were getting themselves straight up That's the day you think people need old me money and people will be money. I forgot because I knew I knew the game I was in you got caught with your goddamn. Yeah, that's what life is about Sometimes you win sometimes you lose at the end as long as you break even you're happy, you know I I seen someone that owed me money man and I remember it was a qp Remember stress weed a quarter pound was 125 bucks. No Yeah, well stress weed is that ugly weed that Mexico brought over in the tires and shit And I used to sell that shit and I fronted it to some guy that was from my neighborhood

And then he ends up getting caught with it, but I found out he didn't it was just a story in shit His family moved him back to his to his old city and I was just like Do you have any idea like if I sat here with you? And we just sat here I can probably do a 20 hour podcast Of all the people I beat for cocaine. Oh man, like beat up or like no mentally I know what you mean like like hey homie. I got you beat like I'll be back in an hour Like what do you mean you're not gonna front me the eight boy. I know you're 10 years. Yeah I'll be back here at eight in the morning. I just gotta cast this check. It's at my grandmother's house

I don't have a fucking grandmother. You know I you you you catch people at that week And it's an addiction thing. It's not does not mean you're a bad person It's a drug thing. Not many people fucking how many kids how many mommy You know you get horrible stories about cracks in the 80s when crack first hit People were selling their kids Far it was fucking crazy when crack hit bro. I remember going to a neighborhood That was a weed neighborhood and going back at 84 85 And crack came and seeing vials and not knowing I was so I like I knew a coke was I grew up around fucking coke

But seeing those little vials and going wild vials on every street corner in puddles In new york and going bro. What can I get weed? They were like, there's no weed on this block Ain't nobody sleeping over here. But by 88 89 You were just hearing some horrific stories about cocaine and I lived it. I was up 60 grand and next you know, I was down 150,000 and my phone didn't stop ringing jack my dad's Jesus christ and I left aspen my debts were Insane. Yeah, my friend asked me who's the last time you were in aspen. I go right after I got separated I took my car and I in 91 october 91. Maybe november of 91. I got in a car

And I said fuck it. Let me go up to aspen and just get my head together and bro I was living in boulder. I had a little Acura Integra. So you're living in colorado boulder at the time. I was living in boulder and I left pretty much I left aspen in the middle of the night droids. Damn thief in the night. Yeah cops watching me I owed When I tell you I owed everybody I was doing that scam where Yeah

You know, but I made you a lot of money too. See that's what people understand at the end of the week They all made money straight up. What I was doing was I was getting announced for 800 But in colorado on those days the ounces were $1,800. Oh, shit. So that's a thousand dollars to play with Think about it and fuck that cut Oh, yeah And cut all I had to do was take a plane and pick it up and bring it back And I was getting like the guy wouldn't even really wait. He'd give me 11 ounces 12 ounces for $9,500

And I'd bring them guns And I'd take the coke and whack it with two ounces And bro by the time I got off the plane If I had 14 ounces nine of them were already sold So if I told you give me 1500 I'm gonna give you back to 2250 at a nine o'clock By nine o'clock you had your ship. But guess what? I knew you were a fiend So I gave you the 2200 and then you give me back seven for a fucking cut Exactly, exactly. I knew the game. So I get you in the end

So I kept doing this to people and I was making money judge and I George I can't imagine I was making money to the point where I was like I was getting I was snorting 12 grams a night of the good of the good shit And still counting cash in the morning going Jesus Because if I took that coke and cut it into grams and sold it Yeah, it would have been ridiculous. It was ridiculous. I would put bro out my coke With what I was doing to it was way better than anybody else. I and I left a rock in there You gave me 50. I always left 2.5 rock

The rest was shake that was flake and the cut was sprinkled in there And you didn't know the difference because once you cracked that rock it was overpowered I still kept it. So I would throw I would throw nine on 28 Nine on 28 is what that's nothing. That's fucking dirt and now you get 3700 For an 800 dollar investment. I got bro. I could sell 37 grams and two fucking hours in hospital in those days And I had two dudes working for mad car Was everybody into it over there? Like was it that it was in 1984 was the cocaine capital of the united states of america Yeah, you know, it's funny. I'm gonna end this

I'm gonna end this podcast with smugglers blues and I was telling my wife because I heard it today And I was telling my wife that I remember When he mentioned telluride. I was living in basalt, colorado But every weekend the guys I lived with took a ride somewhere Like to go pick up or no, no, no, they would just they were construction. One was a garbage man They was we all we all grew up together They were just three or four years older than I was And I lived in the basement. I repaid rent and every friday

They got home from work. We would pick up coolers and we would go somewhere. So one week and we went to boulder One week and we went to rifle and one week and went to telluride, bro Telluride at that time was as big as fucking basalt Basalt at that time was one street Oh, yeah, that's it. It was one street and goldie on lived there Oh, and fucking her husband the dude from escape from whatever lived there. It was just a small little fucking town Go to basalt now. I don't even know. I can't imagine. I heard carbondale is huge. You know, this is the from people but

Once he mentioned that song at that time telluride was a sleepy town And the rumor was that they were getting the coke in miami and how they would drop it off and miami was in the mountains So they would take a plane from miami and drop it off In colorado because colorado was right in the middle of everything. Yeah, you got mini ampolish. You got fucking seattle. You got las vegas So they were dropping it off in bundles On top of mountains and then they were storing it and they were the rumor was telluride was the hotspot for Bro, I went to telluride when it was none. I went back Six years later the dog. It was fucking huge boom and and everybody was snorting coke just from that song. Fuck. Yeah

It was there just from him saying they hide it up in telluride Wow, how was it? So we're like were there like Just weed dealers in these small sleepy towns In the 60s and 70s and then we I mean coke and crack comes in and they just They start hearing about it. So they start finally find some way to get it Like how does this how does it like get all over the country? You look at these shows narcos And you hear the numbers of what they were sending in per day. It's fucking ridiculous. They were sending it in by the tonsillie I know. Yeah 2,000 ton. No container a town a ton is 2,000. Yeah 2,000 pounds

That's that's a thousand kilos. So give or take Whatever because there's a kilo is 32.2, which is something like that. Like yeah, right. So 2.2 pounds. That's what a kilo is so Break it up there and you were selling that in the United. That was moving You know when I was growing up I lived in this area and it runs from 7th street to 88th street Just in the 88th street area I remember six dealers That was doing great. Yeah, I know a couple and nobody competed with nobody everybody was making money

Did everybody have like their own block and shit? Everybody had their own phone number. Oh, okay, and you called them and they met you at school or whatever You know, you had gone to high school with them and it was crazy how quick it took over How quick people became because one scarface came out It just fucked the game Everybody wanted Colors came out. Yes. We're gonna do that now Remember when colors came out the fucking cops went to the movie theaters?

Yeah, the first weekend. I'll never forget. I was out on bail Look at the date of colors release It had to be before it had to be before august of 88 I think it was I was out on bail And I went to see that movie and the arresting officer in the case Was playing security at the movie theater. No way And when he saw me at the movie theater, he made like a face and he was a tough guy. I'm like, fuck you punk I got this case beat, bitch

Yeah, but that movie pac-man cable 29th of 88. Yeah, I was out on bail ready to get sentenced for kidnapping Oh, wow ready to plead and the guy The arresting officer was working the detail at the movie theater. I went to What'd you think of the movie colors? Yeah, I liked it. You know, we had him on the podcast Uh, uh, willy bar son had just had him on the podcast. Oh, yeah The cop that Craig Hodges or the cop that that was based off Oh, the real one. Yeah, the cop that what's his name wrote around with to do the the Older guy or the young guy the shaman pen character. Okay, shaman pen. Yeah shaman pens character

We had him on felicia's podcast Six years ago because he was friends with a dude felicia was dating. Okay. He was really interesting You know, he was saying what was going on. Yeah. Well, he was a good y'all. Fuck. Yeah Remember when fly used to live over there Fly lived off a rampart in temple And we used to kick it over there and it was fucking it was scary dog for me to say it was scary It was scary Like everybody was shady

When the cops are shady, it makes the whole hood shady Because you got to battle the cops now and then all these other shady motherfucking enemies you got I have never ever Like LA being itself scared the fuck out of me Like when I came here in 84, I was 21 years old and I went to washington and vermont My uncle still has a bar there on that corner. What is that like downtown LA? That's right before downtown right before you on the way to courthouse Oh in 84. That was a fucking zoo And I remember, you know, the biggest deception

that you have Especially growing up in new jersey of california is there was a beach herby's He's got a bikini on Yeah, but then you go to fucking then you on burbank boulevard and drive on the other side of lancashen It's still 1964 bob hope is walking those streets If you get on burbank, you know, like if you get on burbank boulevard By lancashen and you cross uh burbank bruce lee walked those streets In those days

That's all martial arts fucking The on the corner that either they closed it or they're about to close it Jean Loubell is partners with that martial arts supply store It's the oldest martial arts supply store in california. Suppose Right there. We could walk from here All we gotta do is walk to lancashen and walk up across the block and have there's a chempo school next to it It's a mexican chempo school The guys are great, but they teach in spanish because everybody in that school

Is basically spanish. Oh, okay They're like fucking they're gonna knock that all down. But if you walk up that block, you're like, bro This is 1940 here. Like when I came out here and I saw washington and germanum like What the fuck california is this shit? Where's the palm tree you when you get off the plane in miami this fucking palm trees everywhere You got on the fucking bike when I was a kid I used to land that night And just to drive the smell the sea air The ocean you're like Jesus

I'm in the fucking ocean here. Where's aquaman? You know when you get to la you You land in lax and you get off and you make those turns and you're like, what the fuck have I done? The first man was beautiful. They got palm trees outside lax But once you get to national and fucking uh, century That shit that mcdonald's on the corner there That that becomes real. They got said, you know, it's crazy though The craziest strip loves the right body airport. That's when you're gonna get your dick sucked

Everybody wants that last transportation. You know, I'm almost home, bro right dad I was I was sitting there one day in an uber or cab or And I'm in a light and I'm like, bro, look at this down here by the airport They got thousands of fucking things And strip clubs. Yeah, it's the layover. I imagine the layover. Yeah, if your plane gets canceled, you know, I'll fuck it Take me over there to the fucking bitty titty and shit

Yeah, man strip club dj lately has been fucking crazy joey like right now all these clubs Dude trump has affected strippers like all the strippers now They got to pay taxes or become private contract independent contractors So now they're independent contractors It's like, no, we don't work for them. We just borrow this facility You know what I mean by that? No Okay, so like if you're a girl you can come in and be like, all right, what's your contract? I have to pay this much if I make that much

And I have to work at this time or the later I show up to work the more percentage I got to give So they're like, I fuck it. I'll show up at 11 o'clock or 6 30. I'll pay 25 percent And whatever they make so now It's their own company. They're their own company now So they can report whatever they want to report because we're just renting out the facility to them All we do is charge 25 for you to come and work here It's like uber Yeah, so how does that affect you be the part time?

It's kind of like, uh, I mean it doesn't it's actually better for me because other clubs would be like a 50 off the fucking top Really? I don't give a fuck for you. No for the club So say a girl makes a thousand bucks If you make a thousand bucks where I work 20 percent you you got to pay 200 If you work at another club you got to give up four to 50 So with me that we take out less

But they don't have to stay or do anything and uh Like these other girls they have you on schedule or it's like look you work here five days a week the girls now They can just play you know what fucking I'm only working two three days a week I'm a private contractor. I show up when I want to show up. I'm paying you to use your facility You know what I mean by that so Yeah, man, like it's been off and on and when you dj at a strip club. It's it's kind of like coaching like you and this Girl you get close together. You work with each other

Now i'm working with chicks that want to run their own scams that they run at other clubs and shit That whole like hey, it's a two for one. I forgot to tell you like what the fuck What do you mean you forgot to tell me You could have charged that guy double You know what I mean, so It's affecting the pocket, but it it's cool. It's a strip club industry still as popular as it was. I mean Some places always gonna be horny motherfuckers. Yeah, I mean there's always fucking crazy people now But look at they got networks now joey

Like like like say me you and lee were pervs. They go to strip clubs. They go to this network I think it's called the hit it and quit it and uh, they tell you What I look if you go to that club ask for that girl and like there's an administrator that They have to meet you at a club to let you in this fucking like network And they're always at my club They even they gave me a good review. They're like the dj there's cool man He don't trip Because other clubs will trip if you grab the girls titties on the floor and shit or grab their ass us. We don't give a fuck

We're one of the oldest clubs this web page. Let's check this out. No, we can't get in You have to be part of them Doesn't what you can't pay 899. Did you know you got to meet the you have to meet you have to be a customer at the clubs That they're at and they meet them So okay, so I walk into a strip club and I'm there for 20 minutes and all of a sudden some dude comes up to me And says do you want to be part of a network? No way. He's gonna have to notice you at all kinds of clubs Like, you know what? I should hit up my buddy. I'm gonna. I'm gonna. No, no, no. I don't want to meet nobody No, you're not gonna meet

I'm just saying Okay, so if a guy sees me Have like three or four slips Notice you've been to a lot of strip clubs. Yeah Can I get myself doggy? He's like, yo, man, we got this little network and shit So you can save money check it out this club does seven full new dances on a thursday This one does five. This one does, you know what I mean? Like you get all the deals every club is trying to outdeal each other There's fucking clubs in city of industry

That are giving you four lap dances for 60 bucks joey Where that should be four times four 160 you'd make at my club So they're fighting for a dollar. Fuck. Yes fighting for a dollar like everybody else. That means they give them hand jobs Oh, they're doing that means they're fucking freaking. I used to remember Rudy used to have a room He had a really fucking good room Rudy

For about three months On a wednesday night. He had a room in city of industry Um, it's coming to me. You remember it was right in front of the strip club It was in front of the hawaiian theater. It was it was no no no no was in front of like A bad ass trip. I think it was deja vu or a sin. Yes. It was a bad ass high level If there's six chicks working seven of them are throwing heat. Yeah, nobody's pregnant, you know, everybody's joey That's changed. There's like 40 now 40 in there and they're all minimum. Oh, they're throwing more throwing heat at this place guys. Let me tell you a fucking fucked up story

Every time I went down there. I was broke as dick But I know you I know you came with the sack because I know you're willing to deal with no no no no no listen to me In those days at my addiction at that point was everything I had I kept for myself All right. I don't even want to see you tell me I give you a lot. Yeah My addiction was out of fucking control and I was broke as and Rudy would call me And he'd give me the small 40 and they fed you Oh, they fed you like a nice fucking meal. It was like an irish pub It had a little stage. Oh, I remember now. All right. So was it kasey's

Something like something like that. It was a 40 bucks on a wednesday tuesday night night off It was an early show. It had to be in had to be done by 9 30 so Because you know, he has to go to bed. So he had to go to bed something happened So I just started dating terry Oh, wow with dating about seven months And terry ain't stupid. She notices that when I got gigs I come home busted So she's like, where's the fucking money at?

So this one night she goes, you know what I'm gonna take a ride down there with you Oh, wow So she takes a ride down there. She drove or you drove she drove. I had a bicycle Had a fucking bicycle with a missing tire one of my fucking, you know And I get down there with her and there's 14 people in the audience Excuse me the next thing, you know, something happens Something happens Some drunk dude is really digging me. I'm working dirty

I'm working dirty Everybody don't like when you work there. No way and I'm fucking just going crazy on stage This had to be guys 2000. This is 17 years ago. Oh, I'm telling you guys I didn't have a part to piss in the window through. I was minus 10,000. I was a deep debt And I get that And I'm picking up the small 40 from rudy But this dude says don't get off the stage and he takes his wallet and he throws it up at me Wow, I grab it out of the air and there's a bathroom right next to the stage, right?

So I do my material The guy's drunk with his friend and a bunch of people And I fucking go what I get off the stage. I said, thank you very much and they go crazy But right there I go, hold on. I gotta pee. I'm like going to pee and I open up the wallet And the guys got like fucking nothing but yardsticks in the hand drain that bitch And I took like fucking two or three of them I put them in my pocket and then he met me and gave me a hug and I gave him back his wallet I may believe like it was in my back pocket where he wasn't on stage. Yeah, I go. Oh, shit. That's right

I gave it to him and I kept saying don't open that fucking wallet Don't open that wallet and I looked at my wife. We're gonna get out of here And then we got in the fucking car we got out and nobody ever said nothing rudy never said nothing nobody ever said nothing That would this sheet trip because you came home with a lot of money Probably those nights, you know in 2000 2001 Let me be honest with you, you know when before you come to la People always say you're gonna have to get a job as a waiter. You're not gonna make any money. Let me tell you something guys I got a job here in la

And for the first six months But I think I was rocking and rolling If I would have been a normal person Like no addictions just paid rent car payment insurance I could live here for six months. I'm not lying to anybody No as a comic as a stand-up comic because I was there was a ton of commercials that the first commercial I booked

I blew so much money, bro. I made so much money on it in seven or eight months And then I didn't invest it. You didn't told it. You didn't invest it. I invested in Colombia That's what I invested in I invested in Pablo Escobar, Inc Every dollar that fucking it was it was the first Taco Bell with the dog Bro, I was I was getting checks. I was I didn't have a bank account I lived at Whitley and Hollywood Boulevard the check cash in place I know all the people in there. They would just cash my checks all hours of the night. Wow But the other side of that coin is that people always will tell you not going to be able to make a living. Let me tell you something guys

When I got here I did comedy seven nights a week And I'm going to tell you something else. I made a minimum Of 25 dollars and okay. You just look at me going joy. That's no money. But you said there was no money Because after three or four months Like I got here January of 97 But by December of 97 I had an apartment Wow, I was making a living on $15 checks in the comedy store

The improv gave you 750 The laugh factory gave you 25 on latino night And everything else was from jeff garcia willy barsana filipe's bars Uh That the kid who became a born-again christian had rooms I mean the kid who still books rooms Great kid. I forget what his name is sabash and satina. Yeah, everybody had three rooms. I used to hook you up too

Yeah, you had but this was when let me tell you something They're begging for comedy up in northern california, right? Oh, yeah In between los angeles and like san jose They're going crazy. You know why because 20 years ago. We were up there every other fucking month And some reason every promoter stopped promoting up there Rogan just had like a third show in fresno. No way. Yeah, like that the dog. It's crazy. There's nothing to do There's nothing to do fresno bakers feel he's bakers feel that's one of my best shows every year That's the brewery is the best show I do every fucking year one of the best shows

Bakers feels is weird though Like people there they look like they're on x games and like they are who gives a fuck They laugh they come out and they have a great fucking time. Yeah that fucking breweries right up there bakers feel There is a place out there in prison that is like they're With oil dell. Were you by oil dell dog in prison? Those motherfuckers are like if the hills had eyes people They walk around with no teeth fucking filthy Oil dell. You ever been to oil dell? I don't know California. Yeah, it's it's in bakersfield

Bro, I've been to some places in California. I've been imaginable Unimaginable to shoot I shot I shot a snickers commercial one time. Uh-huh Three hours from here. I had never seen anything like that The hotel was an hour from the set guys And there was nothing but flat and windstorms And there was nothing but fucking dirt guys When we were sitting in the trailer going to shoot

It was like the creepiest environment. I was out there like if I said like desert It was somewhere Fucking crazy probably in india. I've been there's a casino that montoya used to book Years ago montoya remember when they had the management group. Yeah I think before you went away. They when you got out there they had there and he got clipped something happened over there His management group booked the casino And it paid it paid great money. Was it a new mexico? No, it was no. It was four hours from here But something again casino morango

No, it was north. Okay, and they I met I hear once a year somebody goes. I'm doing a show up there I'm like they still do shows there because it was chunk chancing It was a four-hour drive and the last hour Was hill you don't know you don't see nothing Oh, you don't see nothing just old india and all of a sudden you see a light and it's like uh the mad max You know like the mad max movies at night how they're fought in a road warrior Like out of the distance you see like lights like people with torches Yeah, like that's how the casino was out there. Well, I think it's probably like when you're driving onto the reservation, right?

Yes, I mean the last hour dog. You better have a full tank of gas and you better not be hungry And you better not need to shit There is fucking nothing Uh, yeah, they got a spot like that now called the chunk chancy Uh, andre covenant in their name. Yes, he's always He's cool. Shout out to andre. Yeah, he was booking me and that's another one for you 20 years ago so like andre covenant has been Excuse me. I've been here since 97

I think andre covenant was giving me work in 98. He was a dj up in fresno Still is places. He had the radio Nation, you know, he had the comedy nights. We were always up there I just saw the guy in san jose the coach. He wanted me to do single of mine. I'm already in tempi Okay, but he asked me because we're doing a benefit He'll call me for the next one. He used to book something bakers feel the town next to bakers feel That was one of my favorite drives when I had a gig up north I knew one thing

That doesn't get good tacos because there's a place Off the off the whatever north The 99 or the five something the five north You go you drive 45 minutes out of here. You see a taco truck on the side of the road. That's the one Little chubby mexican doing his wife has always has the thing around the hand I don't know how many times I stopped in there over the years. We used to do all those rooms I remember driving up to a freddy soto. Oh, shoot to do A room that paid

Yeah, like we would do that that was your Once in those days. I was going up north three times a month and it paid good right. It was like great You would drive Mike marino had a room up there. Mike marino five hour drive deep into the heart of texas You got a hotel because it was fucked and uh, yeah, you ain't driving back Yeah, you ain't driving back. Fuck that So, yeah, once you get to calo, it's weird because when I first

Came to cali. I was like, okay. If I could book myself in california. I'll just zip into la And this was way before there was fucking make a turn In 30 miles. Yeah, this was way before that shit This was on a thomas guy You had to use a thomas guy to measure it out and I remember like fucking going jesus christ You know, I booked myself in northern california But But uh

But this is still five or six hours from Seven hours from california like where I need to be that it's a lot. It's a big ass state people california is a fucking long Drive no the taxes will kill you but california is a long fucking drive Yeah, it's way more traffic more congested and you run into crazy people the far that you fucking leave No, you know what I mean to hear what I think bro is what I think I think that Driving is great I love driving. I love driving, you know

For years. I fucking drove. I busted my hump and a fucking b2 10 dots and I had a couple cars on the fucking road But I will tell you something Then no matter what your plans are There's one part la as soon as you get into la bro. You could be 10 hours ahead of schedule And la will fuck your shit up by five hours. Oh, yeah Like I still remember one night getting a doing a sunday night show And having to shoot la from tempi

And I had to be on the set and eat in the morning. You came from arizona over here. Listen to me dawg Damn, I fucking drove. I got off the stage of tempi at what what times of feature get off 830 but I went to a pizza place to get a slice. I hooked up with a chick And we went back to a hotel. Can you believe this shit? This only happens when you're gonna shoot a fucking tv show Yeah, this never happens when you have the day off the next day I remember going on paying for a fucking hotel room. I could have stayed in the fucking condo Why did I even get back the fucking key? I can't even take it back to the condo now. God damn it And I left the room at midnight. Do you know I barely made it to the 7th and tempi hours

And you're all drained bro. I got to this. I got the temp. I got the la at six I was 40 miles out of LA. It took like three fucking hours on a monday morning That's happened to me before man. I remember you remember they used to have those gigs in el centro Or like brawley. Yes el centro by mexico. Fuck. Yes. Oh, jesus christ Yeah, so we go do one out there and this is i'm fresh off the mtv your mama fucking show So I got i'm young dog. I got these young chicks out there. I ended up hooking up with the promoter's daughter Didn't even know she was fine go back to the room. Fuck all night And I had to come home and I think I had to audition I had to do

a local comedy jam for micro obelisk at the ice house And I was just a stand-in somebody bombed and I got to get on It was uh, I don't want to say his name. You know what I mean? But uh, I think this is 2003 2002 right when they filmed local comedy jam Jesus christ, I don't remember how many times are you on local comedy jam and get locals? Bro, I barely got on those shows. Yeah, they hated me They hated me dog on those shows. I could not In those days, I was too dirty for a spanish audience. There was still catholic, right?

We did but yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no You look at that audience You look at that audience and you watch my face sweating cut cut to it Lee But yasso comey slam joey Diaz You watch this he just made it look They if there was 600 people in there 300 people hated me that night and a hundred were just sitting there going What the fuck is this? Yeah, Alex Ray Mundo just went up there and did a great job

And when he danced with the mask on something something had happened And I went up there and just ate a bag of dicks. No, I love it. Watch it. Watch it. Watch it. I wouldn't lie to you Are you gonna watch it? They want a picture? No, no, no, no. What are we talking about here, Lee? That's a comedy sling joey D. Not really Man that bong him brought my toothache back. That's it. I'm telling you that's the bong of dutch. Fuck that shit is strong What are you doing there? What do you mean what am I doing? I'm searching. Hey yasso comey slam No, they don't have it Wow, they took it down

No Oh, that's the Gabriel one you did though You were sweating bullets and that one when you was wearing that suit. Oh, please That's the most comfortable most uncomfortable. I've ever been. Yeah, you just look sweaty I was just really shocked at the that the guy gave me a shot Oh, yeah, so doing showtime was way different from the comedy central one I was a complete different person, man. Well, I did. Oh fuck. Yeah. I did piyasso comedy slam I did not give a fuck

All right, see if you can follow me. You just let's see. Let's start off from scratch. Let me write it out Hold on. I don't work. Let's go joey Diaz in capital letters again. We're adults here Use capital letters for Christ's sake. I promise you it doesn't matter. Just please Why do you gotta fucking piss me off all the time? He puts everything up there like a fucking half a mook joey Diaz Nice capital letters joey. Why capital diaz come on. Let's go show you joseph. No joey Diaz capital piyasso

pyasso Comedy slam. That's it. All right. Why you gotta aggravate exactly over the last time? Scan down Scan down see what else they got on there. Why you gotta aggravate me? One thing. It's the fuck another Look at the last fact. Oh shit. I'm on that one getting 10 points from my action. Maybe you go to the trailer God put the trailer on I guarantee I'm not even the fucking down down down down the other way Right there. There you go. Watch

Click that watch. I guarantee I'm the least on the fucking trailer Watch They fucking hated me dawg They fucking hated me. It was hysterical. I mean I had a good time All I gave a fuck about was the 2000 the check, huh? I had to make it back to la by one to get my fucking coke Oh, wow, we were where did we do that? So it's amber and adino amber and adino and Remember they gave us a hotel room and you guys there was an after party and then they gave us the showtime wine bottle

Like what the fuck I give a fuck about that. You didn't I gave that to somebody and I got my card I got that 2000 cash I was part of my deal and cash. Don't even think about giving me a check. I signed paperwork But give me cash good On the next laugh out loud Welcome to the payaso comedy slam We are your payasos For those of you that don't know payaso is a spanish word which means clown

We know those of you that don't speak spanish. I've said it before I'll say it again time to learn fuckers Which by the way, just so you know we have we have gone all across the country And we're bringing you people from all across the country in the first Of a series called the payaso comedy slam. You're gonna see some guys tonight from los angeles, california Please make welcome mr. Eric griffin a lot of fools blew up on this though Ugly chicks should not be able to dress slutty Walk over like hi ma'am. Hi, uh Yeah, I was standing over there and uh, just want to let you look how long Eric griffin's better

Now he's on a tv show vagina boo, it's about to drop I think it's fucked up and everybody makes every one Vegas resident comedian Yeah, but That's hilarious Latinos you make fun of agents don't act like you don't learn how to drive it stupid

Asians we can't drive that's true, but at least we have car insurance Don't get mad remember how many fucking One nine is now you don't have to put this on no more just turn this up fast forward into joey He's not gonna see this shit. I'm starting to get depressed and shit They put me on like last go ahead. I guarantee yeah fast forward there fast forward. He's after jeff After rick Oh, they put me. I'm talking There he is look at the size of me dog. Look at the fucking no no just look at george perez. We're gonna lure young

Danger look at the size Look at the size of me You took time, you know saying Take a whip Seeing yourself Jokes don't I'm telling you you have no fucking idea. They hated me I went up there and I was still hammered for the night before

Like I had it was Thanksgiving. It was the Friday after Thanksgiving But I was I was still fucked up The night before yeah, I went to bed like it's seven in the morning When I woke up that day all I thought about was that 2000 fucking down. I didn't care about my material I didn't think the thing was gonna make it to show time. I thought it was just a blowjob. I didn't yeah It's not gonna make it but you did show up early. I remember you was like I said enough fucking came early You know, we had been lied to so much at that time You know by that time I had shot 50 things that were gonna be on hbo and show time

Wow But the time I shot payaso comedy slam How many fucking things do you think did you see what I put up the other day raffie yellows pizza? Did you see that video I shot and put up No, I saw the I saw the something the other day on facebook junior one raffie yellows pizza Oh, yeah You know, I shot 80 things that the dude already talked to the dude at hbo They were gonna do any of eight episodes

We're just waiting come on down do the first one today for free Or 200 or 300 you worked all day like a fucking slave And then three months later you got to call that Do you know anybody at youtube? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? You told me you knew people next thing you know Your stupid thing is on fucking youtube you did 23 years ago You know how many fucking things I did that were supposed to fucking be on cbs and mbc and you have no idea I'm sorry. I'm supposed to call this actor ed quinn me and him did a fake law and order

During the strike the guys from law and order svu got together and shot a miniseries And you passed a picket line and they were supposed to now we shot it for something I don't I think we shot it for free. It was okay No matter what you you know across the pickle on the union fucking delegate. It sounds like danger. Holy union fucking delegate. So no It was weird that we shot and that was going to be on law and order And about a year ago. I saw it on youtube somebody sent me this and said is this you I was like How many fucking things that I do? Netflix has two things

Netflix somebody emailed me the other day and said joy. I was watching something And you came on. Yeah, you're on one with Felipe where you play a cop. Yes That's a hard hard movie That was a nick tutorial specialty though. Oh, no, you look like you gotta bless nick You gotta bless nick tutorial. What was he like a Nick tutorial got these poor Filipino family That wanted to make movie buck buck Because he don't give a fuck nick to give a fuck fuck

Nick tutorial is a fucking savage. I will Tell you that about them. That's what made me fall in love when I try to put them on the podcast Because when nick is determined to do something He bites into it new york style, but there's always a by the way Yeah, it's always on your behalf But you're happy like for that movie. We got sag 468 a day Oh, wow 468 a day. What does that mean?

460 bucks for eight hours. Yeah 460 for eight hours It's usually scale was like whatever scale is now and they feed you and all that shit They do the same scale. It was only 469 a day I won't even have to audition. He told me to grow a mustache So I couldn't grow a mustache So that had to put a fake one on Did you trim it? It is just the worst thing you ever seen the director had a way to remember it now Oh my god, the director had a wig

But it was mixed with his hair And the wind was blowing another place where the wind was blowing And there was an Ink the tourist special his whole family was in the movie, you know The cousins the Filipino family was in the movie. It was fucking hilarious We you know, like I said, he paid us. You know who I met on that. That was very nice The best part about that whole fucking shoot Was that I got to meet that dude that came out of prison on the Sopranos And caused a lot of problems

up a appeal April not Jackie, April I don't know Not Jackie appeal but route Again, go to youtube, please. What do you gotta aggravate me? I'll give some shout outs. Are you go to youtube? Sopranos Ganglifini's best scenes. Let's give a shout out to my girl. Lizzie Dorazo having a hard time She wrote an article met at the buzz feed

I retweeted it rogue and everybody retweeted it. How about ties gal berry? Nathan Cox bird snake brown Chris Gonzalez will brown down there in sydney evan mason 32 and resilient castaway I love you motherfuckers. Don't forget Stand up live in alabama March 1st 2nd and 3rd And then levity live in nyak new york march 21st on a wednesday fucking night eight o'clock bitches

If you right there that dude the seconds put that right right there that dude This was the funniest thing I did on this movie was I hooked up with this dude. All right. He was cool What was he the producer? No Who the fuck is yelling your 10th go fast forward there This guy here was a bad. He's in some fucking old school movie, right? They write that type of thing umbrellas Click the backwards Click keep going right there right there. Everyone's got a story about why they should go to the head of the line

I've been aligned for 10 fucking years My uncle's just asking for what my father would have given him if he was boss from richie got out of prison And it had nothing to do with they were brothers. We respect him. My father needs respect richie. Those who want respect Give respect See he just told you to shut the fuck up And he thought me Did the fuck myself All right, bro. We spent three days together

The first day he was talking about he didn't get high or whatever I dropped a menable on him. I fucked him up. This is way before There was ego. This is when you didn't know for sure. Uh, like how strong it was. Yeah, people put xanax in a machine You were getting Fucked up jack I gave him an edible. He came back the next day. He's like, where do you get a medic a marijuana license? I bet. Oh my god Is that why he got killed off the show? Did he get him like addicted to weed or something? He couldn't remember his lines anymore. Yeah, we got so fucked up on that set

But the director had the worst week ever But Felipe the producer fell in love with Felipe. So he invested in Felipe's movie Okay, was he like a sheriff in that movie too? Who Felipe because he had a hat on too and shit. Yes, he was a sheriff It is the worst of pico elisa It is the worst movie of all fucking time But you know what you guys would be good like in a cop dude like a lethal weapon with you and Felipe No, who's he gonna run after?

I can't run nobody down. That's never gonna work There's a scene and fucking and lead the weapon where he runs from hollywood and vine to the 101 Three minutes. Nobody could do that. We don't like escape We watch that see it's interesting that you live like me and lee. We're from somewhere else So when you watch that like we I loved watching swat All those movies that they remade because they shot them in my neighborhood when I lived in that neighborhood Like pretty women. All right, if you watch pretty women now

You're like, what the fuck? LA hollywood, there's still places that you know, that place ain't there. No, I don't think it's there But that that location is still like everything's still when oh, there's a movie called valley girl About a girl who lives in the valley and dates a dude. They go into hollywood. It was one of my all-time favorite fucking movies It's a great movie with nicolas cage and the blonde chick disappeared But if you watch it They show places and you just like do pause On ventura, which is under construction. They closed it down. I don't know

Like do pause was fucking huge back there was a club No, it was like a breakfast place But at that time see if there's a valley girl See if there's a clip valley girl this uh, uh, uh I've done the world and where were you? I've seen the difference And I gotta see it. What year did it come out bro 80 fucking two Hold on

That's a foundation credit right there Drop it foundation for golems was look up Valley girl 1982 That's five That's five. Should I spell 1982? Valley girl capital letters Come up like a song or something watch

And you don't even smell that for it. It was loud, but It was your your mark was loud, but your bite wasn't I still got it people. Oh my god still Oh my god, li I did that once when I was a tweaker this this girl was like, uh You send me your number And I spelled it out I got valley girl. Why why is it valley girl? I

You know why it's valley girl That's it right there with yeah, nicole's case classic 1983 bro. This is one. This is still one of my all-time movies, bro There's there's like ten scenes in this movie that destroyed me And the fucking father is the chef on uh Apocalypse now. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he plays a stoner with the mother. She's a hippie And nicole's cage is fucking tremendous See if you get the volume on this lee and how long is he gonna take to get to the meeting?

What's the problem? You're in charge of me Look at all these players like that's the more lee. That's the more right by your house. Yeah. Oh, yeah Look at it. Yeah, okay. So look at that lee. That's the fucking more by your house lee. She's out there somewhere This is the story of a boy. Oh my god. I got a moment. This is one of my all-time favorite movies, dude. What? Because they're from the valley And these guys are from fucking hollywood Look how cute this girl is when I was 18. Are you kidding? This is my fantasy guys

But I was gonna come out of here and meet a fucking regular white girl A little normal life and shit and look at what watch hollywood. Look what hollywood. Look damn Damn, look at hollywood. Look Like the girl from the car save the radio Then they go to hollywood He takes a girl from from the valley from the valley to fucking hollywood you know what i'm saying That's what I do the charlots. I bring them down. Yeah, you bring them down. Then they haze it, huh Her girlfriends hated her. She changed up on them because she changed

And the people who try to pull them apart like don't you think they have parties over there? Oh, where is this? They're one of my all-time favorites right here. This dude was a big star Look at what they're a sherman life If you think she's confused You should see her father. I'm together now. Look at them. Be right there. That's the dude from a pop I'm telling you this is a good fucking movie dog. Fuck. Yeah, she's cool. I'm gonna watch this shit. She's from the valley He's not

Valley girl It looks like a winner. Oh my god. This is a fucking from the valley. This is the shit. Is this in 3d? No, but your face is This is the shit dog told you Dana soundtrack looks bad. Oh, no. No, this is tremendous dog And it's getting better All the time There's nothing you and I won't do Are you fucking right? Here we go. Here we go

Here we go. There's even movie clips. You want to watch it? No, I want to sit here and look at you. Yeah I Damn that hot dog on the stick. That's the fucking that's where we go now Lee How many times have you been there with paula? You know what i'm talking about? That's where we go See that's where the office of my house was Well, why girls like that when you got here? This is 1980 fucking three. I got here in oh, 90. Okay 97

I didn't even know girls talk like this. I don't know nothing. I believe I believe that dog. I'm from jersey. Yeah This was my fantasy to come out here and meet one of these broads and hang out And fucking go to the valley and go to hollywood They go to a bunch of fucking cool places, man And that's what happens they go to the beach And she meets fucking nicolas cage at the beach And then nicolas cage won't leave her alone. He hooks up with us. She breaks up with a boyfriend

And then fucking all our friends turn on the dude with the red shirt. That's her boyfriend Three little punks straight up busters. See but she dumps them for fucking uh, look at his lame ass So all the girlfriends are in love with the dude with the red shirt. What's your problem? What's my problem try two days and no phone call Look, I'll see you guys at the bus. Okay All the girlfriends want to suck this guy's dick She got the woody wood pecker pin though dog boring. I mean she's a dick. She's a cute girl. She's a virgin Is what you want. See if she's done with her. Damn gave them the bracelet. Look at dog. Look at dog. Look at dog

Look at the devil dude with the blue and white shirt Who else is there? Oh the val dude can touch me. I mean she must be really freaking out This is crazy Hollywood like the ghetto to the valley I I didn't live here. I don't know. It was like the valley must have been you know, I read something interesting the other day that one they banned They banned uh, what's the dude that I went to the one-man show When they banned Lenny Bruce Lenny Bruce Oh from all the clubs in the valley. No, they banned them from everywhere in the country

Okay, I know that the only place he could work out was in the valley. Oh in the San Fernando Valley How fucking weird is that? Like this is there was a bunch of strip clubs up here And up here he could be liberal, you know up here he could be free He wasn't Hollywood. He wasn't around uptight people. Yeah, he was up here and he just uh, I just read this maybe I'm gonna compete maybe a couple weeks ago. No last week. I went to the one-man show So it had to be a couple days after that. I was up late one night. I just read up about him Oh, so it was pretty interesting that the the valley was

Look, I watched this when I was like 19 And it was a fantasy of mine like I didn't have a bro at 19. There was no In my life George dog. I thought he was the least thing on my fucking mind that I thought I know I know what you I remember. Remember you remember that movie just one of the guys You know who's in that movie? Uh-uh my friend Georgie Kolodinsky. Oh, yeah, my brother No, that was my movie where the girl fucking cuts her hair becomes a dude and writes for the school paper He has they shot that in new jersey and he was in all they did that was his claim to fame for about four years Lee would have been the guy that brought the pets and the showers that he had a scene

In fucking in fact, let's call him up and see what he says Watch her die. That's crazy. This is crazy. Watch just to show you people Uncle Joey ain't fucking around connected Connected Man, I'm fucked up I That shrooms was nice Yeah, no, no when you smoke those shrooms, it's a fucking killer. That's a different high

Look at Lee. He's looking at me all weird. He took like 10 hits. He never even knew He kept looking at the wrong hand. You don't know. I'm a magician from fucking death I had already mixed it in plus. I put it some of this in the addable too I sprinkled this I stuck a stem in the addable, you know, you gotta watch me like a hawk least Super magician, you know, Ziya Yeah, man, this shit made my tooth hurt again, but it feels good It was funny, uh, ollie city's friend last night. It says the podcast ended just got up and said can't

Can't control those edibles man Can't control those edibles. Why don't you call them up and say hey, better fucking answer the phone and shit None of them gonna be pissed off. You always answer gotta be late. How much time is it in? 9 30 9 30 is 12 30 easy that wow girlfriends house fucking Doing something you shouldn't be doing. I'll keep calling until he picks up, you know me You better pick up that phone cocksucker Because i'm gonna call you back. Here we go Watch band boom

I'll call him too though. No, we're torment this fucking life He won't know what to fucking See this is old school. Shit back in the days you would call until motherfucking answered I will fucking call you until i'll down 9 11 You don't answer that door one way another you know what i'm saying That's how we used to get your attention in the old days. They didn't have fucking caller ID. No, nobody had caller ID What about that fucking emergency breakthrough? I've never used who used an emergency breakthrough What's that? That's where it's you pay the

Like you push a special number you call the operator until the operator. Hey, i'm calling the phone that doesn't have double line So I need to do an emergency breakthrough. I guess they charge five dollars. Oh my god. That was a long time ago Yeah, right. That's way before leased time. Lee wouldn't even understand So let's say you wanted to phone your girlfriend Okay, and I kept trying to call your fucking phone and your phone was busy for an hour and I was your dad's boss I could call the operator and go I need to do a fucking emergency breakthrough And you'd be talking to your girlfriend. Yeah, so maybe we'll go and help and pick a Mexican restaurant Let me tell you something that operator would come on and go excuse me

Is there something named Lisa? I don't know. Yeah, somebody's trying to call your father get off the phone Yeah, and they would fucking call back and tell your father they've been calling for an hour when you get your fucking ass whipped Because the operator would throw you under the bus and you think I'm kidding you on That's old school league. Can you imagine I'm on the phone with your little girlfriend? Talking about sucking the tits on saturday after the dance And also in the operator cut to the girls. Excuse me That's old school shit. Oh my god. I forgot all about that shit That's that that's that original

Fucking stalker, huh emergency breakthrough. I still remember going and paying the phone bill I've done that too in 19 I can that I started paying the phone bill for my mother when I was about seven And you need to see the bar phone bill. I'd have to go around the corner And then sometimes she'd make me walk from north bergen Up that hill to pay the fucking phone bill whenever it's close to a place called the four star diner Of course from a theater. I'm thinking of doing this is jersey future. Yeah, and you need city And I used to pay the phone bill there. That was the weirdest thing and you got out of going there and get the longer cord

Like if you talk shit because the cords were look at this how free oh, I understand you exactly so in those days Let's pretend I shared a room with lee. I don't want to lee listen to my conversations with my girlfriend So I would take the phone dragon as far as I could and then I got a longer wire from the phone To the other end of the fucking connector So I could walk 20 feet with it and talk on the phone. So leave with him my conversation How crazy was that you used to have to get a long cord? I remember those

You know what I remember joey like this general like you'll never do you remember a phone lee? Oh, yeah, of course. I had I had a rotary phone in my house. I'm not that young I didn't know for sure. Yeah the fucking operator will call. That's right Yeah, I remember when I would love my parents to take me to the bank to catch their check Because they had a waiting lobby. They had crackers cook like the the the taffy crackers like Cookie me be a mess. God. I never had a cream puff before lollipops. Yeah Everybody had lollipops when you were a kid if you walked into a business The other day I bought my my daughter a jacket. It was the place going out of business on the way out

She goes to your daughter won a lollipop And I looked at the lady. I liked the lady a lot. I really liked how she treated my daughter like old school gangster Yeah, like old school gangster Anybody could sell clothes Anybody could sell you clothes. Have you ever been? Have you ever been taken by a clothes salesman? Yeah, real clothes salesman I mean when he takes you to the point where you sign up for a fucking credit account

Like bro, there was a dude one time that took me to the cleaners And I was so overwhelmed by him that I became his friend the sad thing is I owned 200 bucks Since 1995 he won't return my calls. I'm trying to hunt him down for 20 years Because he was a very very very dear friend of mine When he sold clothes to you he was a clothes salesman And he was from he was a jewish kid from the Bronx Bronx and he

was The epitome of what a salesman was Small magic feel good. You'll never understand What a real clothes salesman is like when I was a child And I came from you know, and I lived on 205 west 88th street on 86th street in broadway. There was a Uh A men's clothing store a shoe store called Briggs And from time that sounds old from time to time as a goof

My mother would take me in there to measure my foot and get shoes And there was an experience Like it wasn't going a foot lock when some kid just throwing six Not paying six and a half in front of your feet And you got to try them on in the 70s. They did everything for you. They're like tailor measures. Oh my god. They sat down First they got you up and they measured your foot And they fucking took your dead fucking sock off And they put like a party sock out in one Spanish people call party socks the thin sock

Yeah, and then they took different shoes out the guy would come back with 18 pair of shoes He was gonna sell you something. Yes, but when you got up How he put the shoe on how he used the shoe horn To look his touch. I remember that now he would say to you you look beautiful with that shoe on And you went in there to buy one shoe We ended up buying three because he's a salesman. He knows how to make you feel. Well, so I go

With my daughter to the park and we meet up with my friend Who I'll see tomorrow or ballet And then every Saturday is what I do. I take you know, and we take him to a park and they play and then we're gonna eat somewhere And we hang out So we went to eat pizza and afterward I wanted to eat a yogurt And I went and got a frozen yogurt because you could put a bunch of fruit in it And you could feel full for weight watches So I went to the yogurt store

And that's what I do. I got like a little tiny bit of yogurt, but the rest is strawberries I don't get a lot of the on the bananas that the bananas are fresh. I get bananas and I mix it up Bananas all with yogurt and fucking just the plain low-fat yogurt. Have you ever gave me a cascaron? A cascaron. What's that? I didn't know what the cubans fry the bananas uh Chicharon is the fried pork uh On top. Oh, yeah. Oh thong is for how Puerto Rican say it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he's had fried bananas

I took him down there. He's lost his fucking mind He's had scuba food down there. I'll coach and eat them. You know how I don't What were we saying? We were talking about something. We were talking about the salesman How you got your shoes then he would put your shoe on with the professor says what happened like my daughter's five You know eating yogurt and I see a look at that son Now every time I go to that yogurt spot, it's at night When I get bored at night and I got points locked I go over there so I fill up at about eight o'clock I'm just taking right over there stoned

I double parked the car, but I go in there and that place was open till 11. I didn't know that the lead told me But when you go into daytime There's a woman's clothing store there But half of it is for kids And I'm talking about bad ass shit like just banging. Yeah So we're sitting eating yogurt. She knows that look at that jacket. I look like a holy shit That's a badass jacket And she goes when we finish the year, can we go in there? I go, yeah, we go in there

And we went in there and bro. She went in And the lady fucking got up Instead of coming to me. She went right to my daughter. That's a sales. He goes. How are you doing? Yeah, she goes, is there anything you're looking for my daughter goes. Hmm that jacket Yeah It was quick. Are you watching like an I'm watching this whole Interaction your daughter's acting. Yes, my daughter comes in dressed to the nines with a bow You know looking beautiful what she does with that little look and

The lady came up to her and just she just made her feel like usually mercy'll stand next to me and look at me not this time Mercy looked directly at it. She goes, how are you doing today? Good Something I could show you she treated mercy gonna like an adult. Yeah, something I could show you And mercy was like, mmm that jacket And she goes, okay, come with me. Let's take this jacket off you first Oh my god, you have such beautiful hair. Let's push it back Ah, yeah, and she walked her over and she took the jacket off gently like it belonged to a fucking Princess like she left it off. Yeah. Hold on. Are you ready? Are you ready?

And mercy was like, yes. Yes. Yes. And she goes, hold on. Let's put it on in front of the mirror. That was it. Yeah They don't do that at marshals. No way. They don't do that. No way. Do you understand me now? I'm standing there right now. I have an anxiety attack. This is it. This is the beginnings of how it starts Now the only reason why I went in there because I'm the sign that the place is going out of business And I know it's 50% off plus I can negotiate. Oh, yeah, which I'd never do But if I had like 60 bucks cash in my pocket, right? Like I expected it to be like fucking 80 bucks or something And

Sure enough, there's one of those three-way mirrors Ah the jacket on mercy Then she took her hair Then she locked it up on mercy And it fit her like a fucking glove Fitted with a little fucking button on the side. Did you see Ellie? No, I haven't seen it working beautiful So she puts it on it's a mink pink mink. Oh like a princess thing. It's beautiful And she goes, what do you think and mercy looks like she goes, I'll take it

But she did that's how easy And I looked at her and I go, are you sure this is what you want? And she goes, yeah, do you think mommy like, you know, she worked me a little bit. Do you think mommy? I go mom I gotta say We're just telling you need a jacket. They don't see grandma. You know, yeah, she goes. Yeah That'll work So I go, is there anything else now there was another dress over there that I knew fit. I was gorgeous My daughter looked at it and she goes, no, I'm good with the jacket

The lady pushed a bunch of buttons, bro. It's $38. No way I spent $38 on stupidity every fucking day Straight up the lady looks at my daughter. She goes, it's hot out there. Do you want to wear that? My daughter goes, yes My delay looks at me. She goes good choice 90 degrees and he is fucking mink on Walking around like Elizabeth Taylor up in the fucking valley on fucking Burbank on the low canyon boulevard We walk in the house. My wife tries to like scare like boo and she goes, why was like boo?

What do you have on? Look at my new jacket to go see grandma My wife just looked at me like Jesus fucking christ Her type is 38 fucking dollars and the lady Gave her all the attention in the world as we're walking out the door. She was a excuse me young girl. Do you want a lollipop? And she looks at me. She was that he had a lollipop and she walked up to her And she gave her a lollipop and I go give her a hug and she gave her a big hug Solid

Solid she walked out there like a little young lady That's good. Yeah Listen, bro, I was learned I was taught to interact early on my mother made no No distinction in that shit. I had to act because I was always around the adults I know what you mean, dog. I was always around the adults at that age my father died when I was five Like I was watching Bronx tail Five two weeks ago was on AMC three times in one week and I kept watching it And I still remember like being a kid and walking to the corner to get italianized and being five

Like when you let your kid walk 50 yards on Tremont Avenue in the Bronx in 1968 this is 90 they knew who you were didn't know who the fuck I was I was just a little fucking scared kid With a dollar bill in my hand right of your mom my mother would stand there and go run to the corner Get the italianized and run right the fuck back. Don't make a fucking long thing catching that that's a training She was exactly doing supposed to like hey, I'm watching and someone comes I got your back But besides that go get that shit come to me and tell me would you take your daughter right down?

No, not right now. But in our time It doesn't matter. We're boys. I'm petrified. Yeah, my mom was like that. No, no, no, no, no My mom would have done that with me whether I was a boy or a girl. Yeah, my mom. Yeah They believe in toughening you up in an early age and making you know the value of money like she knows Something happened. I told you you got to work three hours and guess what she's been asking me lately No, yeah, when can we go to your office and do the work? I'm in here just fix the arms. Yeah for the wall Ah, fuck. Yeah, I got a 10 year old joey and she's getting at that age now like we went to target

And she wanted these overalls that were kind of short and shit And she looked at me she goes I don't think you're fair I'm like, what do you mean? I'm not fair. She goes you asked me for my opinion for how I want to style myself And you know what me not being understand that's you know what? We're not gonna hear none of this shit no more Let's go. We're leaving So we're waiting in the starbucks line and I try to give her a hug joey and she brushed me off like get the fuck off me And they're hurt. I was like, what's wrong? And she goes you still think I'm five

And I was like, what do you mean? She's like you you don't let me be I'm gonna be in sixth grade next year Look at show me pictures of her friends with the short time. I was like, all right, cool I didn't know my daughter was slick like me dog They were the shorts like you see how my shoes they the if my they fold over yeah She tried to fold them up two more times to make them shorter like her friends and shit And the teacher called me up. She goes, hey I know how you are She she warmed the school, but she had a backup pair of pants and her backpack

That's what pissed me off. I go, hey man If you were down to where those over wrongs With no backup, I would have believed it, but you knew what you're doing was wrong Why did you bring the backup pants? Like you know what I mean? You left the house with those pants and then you put those overalls on It fucked me up dog It made me think like Damn, who's my daughter trying to impress out there? Is there another sixth grader and shits are full

So I just had that crazy talk with to let know how guys are I said look your daddy was one of those bad guys I know how we are. Do you have to protect? It's crazy dog. She's 10 I'm flipping out Is that the age? I don't know what the age is anymore, you know Yeah, she has a cell phone now. All that shit. It's a different world out there, you know It is the pressure. It's a different fucking world. I can't imagine

I cherish The days I have with her now. She's five. Oh, that's why I work the schedule that I work That's why I act how I act when I put the commitment I can into it. I try to make these events and You know, they switched them and they they called me today at five to switch my day to mo and I said That poor bastard I used to do what you need to do, but I gotta be up here by four fifteen, you know To take the fucking first ballet thing is back. That's what's up. That's what's up

Tuesday Wednesdays and Thursdays if I'm in town, this is what I need to do on saturdays. I need to give my wife a break Plus I need to see her on saturdays. How do you get your own round four little hours three hours? You know and dog, let me tell you something. I was wiped out this monday I kept thinking god damn. I'm getting fucking old But I go no no no no no no no no no no I spent like sunday I fucking took a nap and I woke up at four And she was right there waiting for me. She goes daddy. Are we gonna go to the park and my wife died of laughter

Called you out. So I took her to the park and we walked I go, let's walk. Fuck it. You know how get some weight watch a point I just walked with her and I got to the park and there was really no kids there So guess what? Guess what? That's to pick her up eighteen times. Yeah and put her on the zipline I got she's not me. I couldn't be able to fucking walk if I had to pick me up Put them on the zipline Then you gotta push them on the double barrel swing when they get their buddies to do it Bro, I was putting the tens on my back

Every day the last fucking every this morning I had a month grinding it off because it it was too much pushing but it's fucking uh If you come to me and say what would you rather do go to just two hours to spend four hours With your daughter at the park you're like, I don't think about that. Yeah. Yeah, I remember 55, right? Yeah, 55 on a monday 50 fucking five. Damn. So I'm trying to recover My body like no matter what I do whether I go to jujitsu Or do kettlebells or whatever I got four days a week at me

Yeah, maybe three Like last week I worked out five times. I'm gonna pay for that Not this week but the next so maybe like when I go to Denver, I just do body weight shit Because you can't breathe anyway. They get it out. You're doing that Plus I already got people that they're planning on assassinating lee like We're gonna give lee some fucking out of booze. It's just some american ninja tries. He has no idea Lee has no idea. Lee. Hey joey, you know, you know what I noticed in my 40s man that like In my 20s and 30s

I slept a lot and I'm not sleeping as much as I used to Like this last night. I had a dream And when I woke up from that dream I carried into the same dream twice again, dawg And it was I rented out my back house to a pastor. I didn't know he was a pastor And he found out that I was fucking strippers and smoking weed in my house and therefore ran through my house So I went back there and I shot his family up. It was a dream You got problems

No, dawg, but I kept waking up and going back into the dream. It was weird shooting him again and again Yeah, it was like Yeah, you know what I had last night We got we got fucking high last night And for some reason I got fucking higher I had to when I went crazy. I bought this box of weight watcher Protein bars the two points apiece I ate a whole fucking box. I got so fucking high

And then I just did some crazy shit last night like last night. I was out of my mind We're like, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck was in those animals last night I was like, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm like, I went to bed. I was so highly It's like eight times the recommended dose and one is what it gives a fuck You gotta take a chance But I went to bed and I was restless restless legs My legs kept fucking going crazy in the middle of the night dawg. I couldn't keep them still My god, I had a forked up day yesterday in hollywood

I did the stellar adler theater. They put a show there. It was dope packed Killed did 20 minutes killed came outside thought I was smoother than the motherfucking parking attendant. They told my car I was like, oh my god, so I asked this, you know, you know security guards always show up after your shit get towed He came out. I told you not to park there dawg. I was like, honey, you didn't say should I even ask you if he was cool He's like, I thought you was in the white one. You look like you have that car that car you got told didn't look like yours So it I went to the fucking Toe station. Where's it off a millstone or something right there in hollywood? Yeah 10 15 millstone. Yeah I called them. They're like your car's not even here yet. Like I missed it by five minutes

282 to get my fucking car Then I go I go to the comedy store because you know, I need a drink. I need a fucking I almost got a shit towed again, dawg because I was so heated. I forgot to pay the meter Oh my god, George Yeah, and then I had that crazy dream about killing the priest that lived behind me Yeah, it's time to go talk to somebody maybe Maybe we can give you a number No, I don't even fucking dream I get so high

I go to sleep and I wake up and I realize what a fuck am I and what do I have to do do I have to get on stage tonight Am I running late for a comedy show where you get so fucking high sometimes? Yeah, as I said, were you like that in the old days joey? What do you mean? Because I remember sometimes they'd be like, hey dawg joey might not remember if he's fleet people be like fool I forgot to remind him me. I don't know if he's gonna come tonight because he forgets And would you forget to go to shows because you're so fucked up? No, it depends on how my day went. Okay, if I had cash Oh, if I had a check of the man like for 300 from residual

And it was wednesday and you had a gig for me in orange. All right, it was 20. Yeah And I already got my coke for the day I wasn't showing up. I did shit early something was gonna happen dawg and I'm gonna believe I got a flat tire on my car Three went down in LA shit like that's driver got pulled over Michael came used Made me so undependable Like the 2005 to 2007

The shit I was doing was just That did you ever feel like, you know what? I you know, it fucking made me stop a little as I felt a heartache Come a heart attack come but it was like I had my heart was hurting But then I could feel like my kidney mad at my heart like a bitch. I'm more fucked up than you Why you want all this attention like do you ever get those sharp pains as I was getting them in my spine and my neck Okay, like what's that from? Well, that means something's coming down Keep doing what you're doing and this is not gonna be good. Okay That's your body giving you a warning before you wake up in the hospital one day and then like you od or

You had a mild heart attack or you had a heart attack or you had a stroke Or you know that that that's what that is It must have happened four or five times to me. Yeah, like It's scary, huh? Yeah, like once you Don't get down went to work out. I was hitting the bag and it was early I'm working on I'm working on I'm working on I'm doing what the guys told me to do and there was a point there That I was like, whoa, whoa, hold on one second I felt shit missing beats

Yeah And I just walked and breathed and focused on my breath, you know and uh I When I was doing drugs that were nights I thought mine. I was gonna fucking blow up. I fuck. Yeah, dude. I know that feeling You hold it too, huh? You're even holding it You've ever been in a bed laying in the bed the whole bed is vibrating from your heart I've been in the bed that no idea what's likely to lay in the bed and the bed is vibrating from your heart

Yeah, and your heart's going Oh my god, you're right It's fucking pounding in your chest. Your dick can't get hard. You're fucking higher than fuck You got another two or three grams of living room. You got another quarter ounce in the car And you ain't stopping your heart is fucking pounding And it's telling you another one and you're trying to know you're smoking cigarettes. You're up there. You have no idea I was laying on a blanket on the floor and I thought that I was on a bed and it was pounding like the blanket Made me feel like I was on a bed pounding

Scary shit. So what are you guys going on g Man, uh, we really scare these poor people I'm supposed to tell them prison stories and we're not saying one, but it was a fuck We had a good fuck. Yeah, you drank a modello. Hell, yeah You got to see your boy lee We got the single mushrooms now, right? We single he's fucking done. That's it. He's slinging dick and giving out chocolate bars He's got a hot date tomorrow. I heard through the grape behind that Things are happening. That's what's up. I know I I wish he's going to a show in venice. You know what?

Let's take him to the strip club tonight not tonight. No, I'm too fucked up to go. There he is Yo Yo Yeah, dog. I got a guy here that's saying that one of his favorite movies growing up Was just one of the guys And I told him that that was your big screen debut and shit. You know what I'm saying? No, baby. It's you. Oh, baby. It's you. All right. Sorry about that. I thought you played I thought you played

You see I'm saying I'm over here trying to promote you get your movie and shit And you got to fuck it up a baby. It's you cock sucker Which one What was it? What was who's in baby? It's you I thought you had to see him with robber donny jr Right and you did an eight ball with him and you went to the strip club and you bought your cheeseburger He was like he was on 15 years old. He was no boss Vincent Spano and rosanna, okay Yeah, the stars

Vincent Spano like good looking dude He was also another Alphabet city. Look at george kolodinski dropping knowledge on a fucking. What's the name of the framing company in clevisite park? F as in fuck And D as in douche F and D frames in clevisite park if you need your framing done They got a bunch of joey dears memorabilia in there

If you call them on the fucking hotline Ask for george. He's got merch for you to buy He's got shift from the longest yard and many other sets that I burglarized. All right Right there. You don't have to go to ebay or nothing george got the goods Don't and if he ain't got them, don't worry. He'll get them George's gonna have 18 million boys meals tomorrow. Who gives a fuck money business for you. I'm trying to blow them up here Like I thought I would All right, I'll call you the mama brother. Stay black. Love you

Hey, I would have called you back too. Like yo, dawg. What's up? It's late. I know you call you gotta call people late And let them know you gotta keep them in check from time to time That's my body fucking the one that stethas I usually call him at this time of the night to wake him up in this He just stethas his way into your fucking heart Tell me this Called me jesus christ to the christ So I saw that in august you're doing the fucking jam with fucking sky I'm doing a funk fest in august at the anaheim honda center. That's saturday august 4th

I'm doing it with george from curious entertainment It's gonna be morris day in the time the bar case dasband Confunction climax Original marriage. Are you hosting it? I'm hosting it. I'm emceeing in between in between. I think everybody does two of songs Yeah, no, they do. No, they do like eight And if you only have two you go in the beginning a lot of them like Howard johnson sky eveline champagne. Yeah, sky's got two jams. Yeah champagne got three jams. Yeah. Yeah, it's a shame But you know what they do now is they sing other people's shit

I don't want to hear that Why are you bothering me for someone? Yeah, I'll get a league all fucked up and he can sing me a bunch of songs Also february 27th. I'm at the brayer improv headlining with sam trippley. This is what I'm talking about We're just talking about two guys that don't quit that you're the dudes. That's why I love you That's why I'm happy you could show up on the show tonight Not only that the night's the first time I get to introduce vencero watches to my audience. Listen, you know, I don't show up with the fucking fugazi shit here Everything I try to run through you people I try to check them out

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I got 20 watches now. This is the one I wear from now and Lee Have you seen anything else on me since I got this watch? You know why it looks good People have been complimenting me on it and it's just a nice watch. It feels great. It's comfortable. I like your watch too I don't know what it is. I know what I pay. I don't know what you pay for. I don't care I'm just telling you if you're looking for a watch, you know, you're tired of choosing between luxury Styling and high-end quality and an affordable price tag Then several watches wants to help with timepieces that are expertly blend style Timing and class with a price tag you'd never expect to watch

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I want to thank my man lisa yat I want to thank vencero watch and get the watch Dot net right now And i want to thank you people for being a great audience and from letting us come into your fucking homes once a weekend to I meant you With sickening and disgusting fucking stories. That's what I love about you people got heart You're the last real americans. You don't need the rest of these whiny motherfuckers That pop up with a story every four days about

Something that happened who gives a fuck the people are fucking dead But now you got to speak your piece to get the fuck out of you said people listen to this shit You people are normal people who gives a fuck stay black. Uncle joey loves you I'll see you in den. I'll see at the ice house. I'll see at the convent store sunday night I'll see you in den. The next week and I'll see you fucking savages in alabama Decay the 10th planet in the house second show friday night 9 15 show look at these face

He's fucked up how I like it baby boys. Have a great week. All right stay black and most importantly Happy valentine's day. Have a great weekend. I'll be in touch via fucking periscope Go to joeydeas.net for church t-shirts. I love you Oh I make my living off the evening news Just give me something something I can use People love it when you lose they love dirty laundry Well, I could have been an actor but I wound up here

I just have to look good. I don't have to be clear Come and whisper in my ear. Give us dirty laundry Kick him when they're up kick him when they're down kick him when they're up kick him when they're down Kick him when they're up kick him when they're down kick him when they're up kick him all around I've got the bubble-headed bleach blonde comes on in five She can tell you about the plane crash with a green in her eye It's interesting when people die give us dirty laundry Can we fill the operation is the head dead yet?

You know the boys in the newsroom got a running bet Get the window on the set. We need dirty laundry Oh Oh You don't really need to find out what's going on You don't really want to know just how far it's gone Just leave well enough alone eat your dirty laundry Hey

Kick him when they're up kick him when they're down kick him when they're up kick him when they're down Kick him when they're up kick him when the down kick him when you eat kick him all around Get your money up, get your money down Get a little secrets, get a little less We got to get a little fingers in everybody's pie Love to cut you down to size, we love Daddy Logan We can do that in your window, we can dance and sing When it's said and done, we haven't told you a thing

We all know that crap is king, give us dirty laundry We all know that crap is king, give us dirty laundry We all know that crap is king, give us dirty laundry We all know that crap is king, give us dirty laundry Get your money up, get your money down