Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #561 - Sam Tripoli

Episode Date: February 22, 2018

Sam Tripoli, a Comedian and co-host of the, "Punch Drunk Sports" and "Tin Foil Hat" Podcasts, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Harry's - Get your FREE trial shave set at Harrys.com/CHURCH Square Space - Go to squarespace.com and use promo code "church' for 10% off of your first purchase of a website or domain.    Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 02/21/2018.
  

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The time is now you've been thinking about this you've been wanting to do it the time is now It's today go to squarespace.com right now and the church and get 10% off your first purchase And let's get this idea flowing. All right, because it's been sitting in your brain forever And nobody else is gonna push you like your uncle Joey number two You know what I love to shave in the shower for years I was one of these fucking mooks that shaved after you brush your teeth and then you cut yourself 82 fucking time Yeah, you're gonna shower you put the steam on like you put the earplugs on next thing you know your shave It's like butter your fuck

Beautiful, you know, I love to shave because I use Harry's that's why it's beautiful The blade the shave the comfortable glide my don't not me you wouldn't believe how nice it is They don't want Harry's is doing for you right now. Harry's so calm You're gonna love that blades are gonna give you a trial shave set for free. That's how uncle Joey works it free gratis Nothing on the arm I'm all doomed for free when you sign up in harrys.com slash church and you're just gonna pay for shipping That's it claim your free trial offer from harrys today 13 dollar value for free when you sign up just for cover shipping I'm gonna send you a weighted ergonomic razor handle five precision blades rich laddering shave gel and you ready for this one a

Travel blade cover. Who's better than Uncle Joey you come on to get your free trial go to harrys.com slash church right now That's harrys.com slash church Lee Stick a finger that mule's ass. It's Wednesday cocksucker Who the fuck you think you're dealing with Uncle Joey Sam Tripoli the Christ killer Lee raised this motherfucker. I want the speakers to light up the devils in the house Right, but it must have been a wrong time I said the right thing But it must use the wrong. Are you fucking kidding me?

But I must Hit it in a bad place And I wonder what's good for I've been in a right place But it must have been a wrong time My head is in a bad place When was the last time you heard this fucking monster. I've been running track of dr. John up in my mind You've got to give myself a good talking to this time

Doesn't need a little brain salad surgery I took you I'm not in security Oh shit I've been in a right place Mother been wrong Dropping on your motherfuckers on a Thursday Well, who the fuck you think is swinging with you want to get up and sling dick or you want to get up and walk around like a Fucking Zombo like every day. It's the church of what's happened now cocksuck is my little brother

Sammy trips and my other little brother fucking The fucking main Christ killer last week Lee and I was sitting here after a podcast stone to the gills and said something that he had done with Tripoli shows and blah blah blah He goes, you know, man, I gotta tell you Tripoli's a bit crazy, but he's a really good And this is you know, he's just a young kid, you know, and I'm I am crazy sitting in that chair and I go, you know what man Call him what you want. He's been here for 20 years swinging like Pete Rose Diving, you know, some people sometimes people show for a while. He had chicks on stage

Imaging on a bicycle that poor kid that you made him lose a hundred pounds in the bunny suit You broke that poor kid that motherfucker what left here like old Benjamin lost a hundred pounds stop drinking He was selling souvenirs in Hollywood. He just broke that Yeah, where is he I don't know man. He got mad at me for a while I don't know dude. No, he took it. So like he went to fucking like like high tree You know, some dudes go deep so like you go deep and you come back some people don't come back I respect the fuck out of guys like you in this town. I respect that fuck out of comics that Have stayed pure to that game because every once in a while you see like a good friend of your comic

I was doing direct the film and you know, here's another one. Yeah The humble reservation the humble brag that's not going nowhere. In other words, he's telling you I'm not gonna do comedy no more because I'm gonna do this I'm not gonna put that much focus on it because you gave up. You saw what the fuck this war was about This is fucking apocalypse now. Yeah, dog. This is apocalypse now. I am sick and fucking tired of people Thinking that you just stroll into fucking California and they hand you a spot at the store You're the same 85 like who the fucking you. Yeah, you have to dog it out here You know the best thing I ever did the last 10 years for myself was go to that fourth wall with Lisa

Yeah, I think I'm every fucking day Because it made it mean it made me even more of a Jew like it made me Because it remembered what it felt like when you lived in Vegas being the trend you forget like you forgot about it Yeah, go to like a stringy open mic where there's no booze nothing look at their hearts Look at their eyes and go this used to be me. Yeah thinking of being where I am today. Yeah, I mean Yeah, sitting in a room with six of those guys going. You know what out of us six. It's gonna be me in 20 years that takes fucking balls and persistence and I called you like a lunatic. I was high as

I get that but it's me and Lee were high as fuck and I go, you know what bro? You're crazy But you're still here. Yeah, I know a lot of people that came into this town that we're gonna light this town on fire with Reputations that they're gone and I see a lot of people they got fake reputations because listen these people that you see and ho-ho and he They ain't at the store hand to hand combine it. What yeah, you know the improv is a great club in a great chain The life factor is a great club in a great chain But get caught up at the county's on a Tuesday night behind Chris Delia after Bobby Lee went on stage And you're fucking hard through this fucking savage on stage at the original room. Oh, dude Well, how long did you do?

Seven minutes. I think seven and a half minutes. It was good. I like first of all Did you hate me after? No, I was like it was and I tried to talk about it and they the crowd didn't like it like I was trying to get a little sentimental at the beginning because I came there before I even what did you know? No, no, they liked me They liked me when I did stand up when I when I was doing when I said started doing jokes But they like I went up and I started I was just like hey man. This is really cool for me like this my My first time at the store. I've been I came here as a tourist and they it was silent like it wasn't good at all But then I went in and I started with a few jokes that I have and I was fucked up

I was kind of high so half it like I think like maybe half to three quarters was the jokes and the rest of it was I was a little I was a little high which the church people love, but it was a Your love it was like when you know, yeah, of course in there like most one of the most loved dudes I know but when you get on stage it really It's funny what happens to comedians when they see somebody else on stage like now you're a Marine You know saying like if I don't know you and I walk into a place and I see you in a Chinese restaurant dying on stage When you walk off that stage, I'm gonna shake your hand. Yeah, nobody else I'm gonna really shake your hand and go I've been that right. I know what it is to go on stage when people eating

And they won't look at you And like that you don't know what abuse is and I was trying to say that but I like that I didn't get like I didn't want Like it like the store is pretty cool And I know I didn't want any of like the door great door guys your young comics to think Who've been doing it for years longer than me that I was taking that like that opportunity for granted and no It was just it was a I think anyone would ever think that it was it was one of the coolest experiences of my life Like it was a I'm glad I got to do Austin a few weeks ago because that one was really crazy They were like it was a different kind of crazy. There was I think and probably a few more people there

Just did the bigger room But and I was talking I was at first I thought it might freak me out But we I looked to the side and there were two of the guys from the fourth ball literally Like the first row on the stage right to the side of me and I even said oh shit Eric's here it like it made me feel kind of almost at home I like it made me feel safer because like those two guys magic leaf and And they know they they took the ride I I fucked up I got when I was high and it this was a little scary when you kind of like blank on what you wanted to say

Oh, yeah, and it's and it's it's it's obvious like I don't have the skills yet to like kind of make it seem like I didn't blank and I forgot but then it was kind of cool because it can't I brought I remembered later in the set and that might have been the biggest laugh of the night when I said oh, that's why I brought that up and they went crazy so that it was it was just a Leg shake with your heartbeat. Oh my heart was beating really puking. Did you well? I don't know so, you know I mean, I just want to know here's the thing. I you were thinking I don't know what exactly how much of what is to blame, but I had a really terrible uber drive down there The guy was doing like 45 down in little Canyon, so I thought I was gonna get sick

I didn't think I was gonna be able to go on but then when people started getting there They were like, oh, that's just because you're doing the store. I was like, oh, well, dude a couple things. I've heard do you say I just want can Give you congratulations on the thing about the OR is that you have to be so much in the moment The fact that you just talked and recognize your friend and then you go back you're like, ah, that's why he's bringing that up That is what that room is. I've watched that room humble everybody David tell Daniel Tosh everybody I've only seen one person ever go in there and it was their first time doing it or at least the first time I'd seen them do it and they did well and the God I screwed the only person I've ever seen do it is Sarah Silverman

And she filed Capparello during his fucking when he was like his his his star was at its brightest And I was blown away by how well she went up there because I'd never seen her and I'd been at the store for about five or six Years night in night out she went in there So the fact he went up there and you ate a little bit that is that that is the base Basically the ritual that we all have to go through you know the jump in that becomes the OR Where you just have to go through it to get to it, man I've won in the fact that you gotta laugh to put you in head of people. I know who I have a lot I airing Cater his first set there

Wet 15 minutes not one audible reaction to anything you said It's so fun to watch and now he's a great comic. So that's nothing against it but you just run and I've said a thousand times when you go somewhere with We're down when you go somewhere for a weekend And you have a great five sets with somebody with Rogue and with Ari and On a Sunday you go home. You took a nap. You're feeling good You go let me go down to the store and you go up there with the same material verbatim and you will die a slow death

Yeah, and it'll make you go home and it's such a death that you don't even stand on the back Like you just go you know what I got another spot somewhere. Yeah, you go somewhere eat by yourself for a while I've got I've got used to it. Yeah, like I got I died so many times in the original room Like there's so many. Oh, yeah, dude. There was like a 90-day stretch When I was adjusting to that 1245 115 spot that I was having doubts like a lot of doubts That's a doubt spot right there But you can't cancel it you're at the world famous comedy store If you go outside and put a sign I got a spot at 1 30 a.m

How many signatures would be on that fucking thing to perform on that stage line around the door? So I kept going up there even though it was brutal and I've said a thousand times I had to follow Mooney or In my real nemesis that I could not follow is that fucking down forever and She'll put you behind these and that's You know, it's rough while you're living it But afterward you see the result of Doing those like even when I open for Wheeler Walker in December. I

That's back to your roots. That's people standing up. Yeah before a band survive. That's surviving That's just going up there and knowing you have to do if you didn't learn from Bill Burr in Philadelphia That's it. You go up there. You report for duty You do you sing to you stick to the hem that throw and shit. You don't miss a beat You're just ducking your barge bush in shoes. You're ducking shoes and shit. I mean It's really a gift like I sit The town to drive home that night Terry and I in the car after we dropped off our friends only Can you believe that's been 20 years of our lives?

Yeah, how many people can you went? Did you know Sam when you were getting on that stage in Las Vegas? Did you know with fucking jiu-jitsu man from headquarters? Yeah, Eddie Bravo. No, no, no. Oh Scott yeah Scott Ross, weren't you roommates with him? Oh, yeah, dude for ten years. Yeah, so think about it Did you ever think I mean we would see people come and go in this town? I've seen stars come and go What made us think that we were gonna fucking stick it out here craziness. Well, I mean, we were just crazy We were crazy enough to stay in it. We're crazy enough to be like when we lost

We it wasn't the it didn't define us and we just kept going now for me I have changed the what the goals are, you know, I feel like if you sit there You're like I gotta be this isn't this you're gonna drive yourself. Yeah, you gotta change every 90 days You gotta reinvent you gotta be just like dude I am where I am and I love where I am, you know The rent is paid the lights are paid this food in the fridge And I'm doing this or something that somebody said I would never be able to do People told you

That you were not gonna be able to make a living doing this. I remember people the comics on the road going Don't move that line. You ain't gonna make a living. Yeah Well, I mean, I don't know about you guys, but between the store what did I and I did I feel like I did pretty okay But then you were the first guy to give me a paid gig or like a real show and then red band I have the $20. He's the first guy to pay me for a gig. So it's uh, it's cool I like that stuff. I guess I'm glad you're doing it. I guess that stuff would keep you going like when you're saying like What made you think do it for 20 years? I'm sure it has to get bigger. It can't be just 20 bucks But maybe in two years, I'll get to a feature for somebody or about $5

Wrinkled up with two drink tickets. Yeah, wait till you get one of those Lee I've been paid in drink five dollars and four drink tickets and The drink ticket to gold like in the world of open mic comedy Come here. I Got drink tickets. Yeah, I did how many six of them don't know nobody like when Felipe and Willy Bar Center ran that room Was the main attraction if they didn't pay you 40 bucks. There was drink tickets and you took those drinks to heart Jack You had you had money a tip you were a gentleman, but there was a time in comedy were a drink ticket

Like I used to get vouchers from Mexican food for next week At what's the fucking place across El Torrito? El Torrito El Torrito in Colorado when I first started I mean 48 miles away from where I lived on Thursday night Sam I still remember like stealing nickels Like I was a car detailer and I would steal a quarter from this car a quarter from that car this car And $3 bills I take one you know I'm saying so the guy goes I thought I had three but now nobody stole maybe the windblow Like I kept it like that just to fill up the gas tank I get it to get me there to pick up the

$15 voucher and the $25 payment and then with a five I tip him and I put $10 in the car and that last ten dollars has got me home with a smile in your pocket You drove home with a smile in your fucking pocket one of the craziest nights of my life What I was paid in drink tickets. I was hosting a bikini contest at the key club which is no longer the key club I forget the name of it here in Hollywood here in Hollywood dude and You know, I mean I'm in my in my disease. I'm drinking hard dude Drink ticket drink Jax Jax Jack So the guy so we're doing a show a man and I'm hosting I'm bringing people up and this one girl goes for gold

She fucking shows the monkey in the bikini contest. She bends over shows everybody We're baby. I mean the fucking golden snatch dude and for me. That's all in with aces. You know what I'm saying You got six jacks in here. Yes. Yeah, you're Harvey Weinstein. You know I'm saying You're not responsible. They even tell you I'm the I'm the bottle of Jack after four of Jack and you become Harvey Weinstein So I Run the whole thing they hand me the thing I don't even read it because I think I like I read it wrong. She's number one I see number one I go and the winner is number one

I put the crown on her the fucking staff goes nuts the owner of the club at ring Rigged it his girlfriend supposed to win and I read the wrong name But I was so shit-faced right I read the wrong name. So they're like wrong girl you asshole You gotta get that gotta put it on the right girl because the owner's girlfriend was pissed So I had to go up to this girl take the fucking crown off her and put it on the other girl who'd won at that point Two giant security guards come and grab me carry me out and when I say they threw me out I'm not lying to you. They threw me out go your band for life from the key club. I'm like fuck I give my car. I'm not even thinking because I can't believe it. I drive a block. I get pulled over by the cops

At this point. I'm like, well, today's the day we go to jail They go hey, dude, what's up? I'm like, uh, do you really want to know they're like, yeah And I tell them the story of the chick who showed her monkey And I hand the god they put me in my car and fucking Gave me a police escort home to my fucking place And I let me park my car and they didn't give me a DUI that night And they made sure I got home and that's a fucking true story Because I made them laugh about the girl showing her fucking pussy to everybody to win a bikini contest

And that's the night I drank too much from drink tickets Let me ask you something Sam. What was the craziest night you had in vegas as an open miker? I mean, you were there with scott and stanhope and I mean, dude We I mean like like stanhope came like you were living in vegas. I lived in vegas. Okay. What were you doing for work? I was a waiter by day and I would do stand-up by night and Basically, well, you know, I've said this before but they're sorry one more time. What year is this? Well, I started going college out in 92 you thought of doing what I started doing I started doing comment

And I started college in 92 Okay, and then it wasn't until about three or four years later that I started doing or I'd say about two or three years later I started doing stand-up I moved out to vegas because I thought it'd be a great place to start doing stand-up And luckily it wasn't and I say that because I was such a crazy person back then I was able to burn a bunch of bridges and it didn't hurt my career if I'd gone to new york I would have been fucked dude. I would have Me in colorado. I was a crazy guy. I was like an armenian italian fucking just fire dude. I was fire and i'm like

Oh, dude, how the no, you know cocaine came a little later later. Okay cocaine, but I love to drink No rifa. Oh some weed, but I was more of a i'm a booze. Yeah, you like i'm a booze and coke, dude I love booze and coke. I love jack and coke if you throw a little snatch in there Sam's a happy man If I can get because the guy gave me a gift two gifts, man Gave me a gift of funny and gave me three things gift of funny hard work ethic and I can get fucking erection on cocaine Okay, that's all the time. Oh, dude rock hard ginsu knife Shakin bitch. No nothing. No suck it again. No. No. No, that's a gift. That is a viagra bound

No, dude, just all natural fucking pipe dog and I found out a friend I grew up with in union city just recently died from taking too much viagra. You can die Obviously he took like fucking 20 of these things. Oh my god something happened. I don't know the exact story I was talking about this book came out. I called a friend of mine and we were talking he goes You know, he died about three months ago. Oh my god. He fucking took viagra's and a hotel with some chicken That's how many I don't know bro. Like is there a number we need this number I wouldn't even take one of those things in my heart. I would not Well, they say call a doctor for less longer than four hours. No, I don't want to even put one in my fucking mouth

People hand them to me constantly What are you talking about they They hand you boner pills, bro. I got a guy You understand me. It's gross I like just taking them at the guy. I see them at like like black rhino and then it's got some number I don't even know what it means like 50,000 kg and I'm like What does that mean and then of course because I'm an addict I like the pop-up and then my girlfriend finds she's like, why are you doing this dude?

Why you take these boner pills? I'm like honestly because I'm just a fucking crazy person and I you take I think it's funny You take yeah I tried a couple like a few years or like like maybe way before paula I had like for some reason I had uh boner problems So I took a couple then but I like it was like it was like I think it was even called it was extends This is what I bought at cvs now. You're good now. You got a mean one. Oh, yeah. Now. It's fine now It's angry it extends work shanky bitches It what it made like I only took them like once I didn't take it like to grow it like the the coach says to do

but I uh It made me feel kind of sick like it wasn't like a great Oh, if you take too much you can get your legs are fucked up you can get headaches. I took one I took I took them like twice I got enough problems. You know what I'm saying? I got enough fucking but you look the best I've ever seen you more than any time and sleep by fucking work. I had it man I You know you you look at all the waste you have in your life from time to time Like I love doing comedy and I love writing at night, but it comes with a price you have to unwind

If not you lay in bed and you get more hyped up and now you don't sleep So online I watch tv, but sometimes You get into two episodes or something or three episodes or something and it's two thirty in the morning And at seven I hear somebody waking me up that that that that You know and then you go do something and next thing you know, you're fucking wiped out after that and you got to do a spot and another spot and So I try to go to bed earlier, you know drinking water That's it. That's all you could do. Yeah, take care of yourself as much as you can

You're doing it. Don't do nothing. You don't need to do. I don't never some guy called me at one Do you still want to meet at one time? I'm leaving tomorrow. Yeah, what do you want to talk about? Yeah, I gotta be here beating about something when the fuck are we going? I gotta go do a fucking table read and come up and You know, it's like I'm preparing for next week. I got six shows and then Then I got Monday Tuesday Wednesday. I gotta do 22 things in three days And now I gotta shoot an episode of I'm lying up here. Am I crying? No, not at all Why did this happen when I was 28 when I could snort through all this? You know what I'm saying?

Right like these next three nights if I was snorting coke, I'd be all over Like I was I know already Canceling not showing up No, I would show up because the package and the envelope was waiting for you Yeah, it's right there the as soon as you land the mexicans at the hotel sitting in a chair. He nods at you. I'm here already And I'll be here tomorrow at this time. I love it. You're dying laughing this week. You're dying up here. You're you're just Yeah, I got a recurring role three episodes. That's great. Yeah, so I shot one episode I shoot another one. I got you another one in march. That's great

I'm super happy for everybody involved. They're great people. Is it weird for you, Joey? Going back to denver or you did all that all those drugs or not at all. You don't get flashbacks or nothing Not at all. I'm not going to bolder. I don't have the two hours or three hours to go to bolder So, you don't have to dude. I like that type of time. I'm headlining. I'm doing two shows You did stuff in denver or whatever, you know, it's so but I don't know downtown denver Was a fucking desert when I was there There was nothing there

Once the rockies came and they built that stadium then all that built up around it. They built a new airport I don't know this. I was there. I used to fly into Stapleton the greatest airport in north america This what we're flying into tonight is a fucking nightmare There's a three mile walk Okay, and then you got to get the 40 minute fucking it's a 40 minute fucking drive Those are the worst sadly. We got to get breakfast before we get in that fucking car. That's a 45 minute fucking drive And then you look at it and you go who designed this Because if it snows you're clobbered

You get stuck at that airport. It's not it's a denver airport. Yeah, it's shady as shit This is and they got you know, this is like you it doesn't when you fly into denver now and you go why are we 40 minutes of civilization the big joke is you fly into Kansas You're like, why am I driving 40 fucking minutes into it's ridiculous that denver airport's got a lot of shady shit involved with Guys when you walk around look at all the artwork. It's very dark Very beautiful the fucking the best thing about that airport is you need for nothing You can take a shower there. You can rent the hotel there You can fucking work out there. They got a gym. You can eat a steak

Or you can eat fucking burger king You get your nails done There's never a dull moment at denver international airport. I respect the fuck out of that I remember one time when I got to analyze that I was fucking dirt poor I got scale plus 10 no plane ticket to analyze that I had a place to stay And my friend gave me a buddy pass on frontier airlines. Oh god frontier

That's like lending somebody a pen to write a suicide note. Yeah, for sure, dude Given somebody a frontier buddy pass is just like saying to somebody. Oh, you're gonna kill yourself. Hold on Don't use the feather. Let me give you a fucking ballpoint. You know what I'm saying? Like that's that's all that is. Yeah They lost my like I flew in like a tent into new work or something crazy Oh And the audition was it too and they lost my luggage With the warm-up suit and the whole thing. So now I had to borrow money. I didn't have go get a warm-up suit Sneakers

And then the luggage never came the luggage by the time I got the to fucking Denver I picked it up in Denver, but let me tell you what I did. I was so broke when I got on that plane I didn't have any cigarettes And I didn't give a fuck I went right the lady who was looking the other way. I went right behind the count and took a pic of camera lights And I went right in the bathroom with a little bit of a fucking cigarette I'm not walking no three fucking miles to smoke a cigarette. They sold they sold cigarettes on the plane at the airport. Oh at the airport Yeah, nobody can do back in our day, dude back in our day

Could you're a young guy there was smoking on the airplane and there was this magical thing that said this is the smoking section This is the non-smoking section the back and there was no Nobody complained nobody got cancer Nobody did nothing Those are the days where you would get on a flight and you enjoyed flying because there was six other degenerates on the plane Just like you dog I was thinking about this about

And I'm not gonna say from where to where Because then people people have to fucking say the truth But I'll never forget when I was doing and in it. No, I'm not gonna say the year There was a time when I was doing some creepy shit. I was I was going from Colorado to Jersey and trading guns for coke and then I would fly back with the coke But Sam I went on a bender

Like I was I stayed clean from January 1 of 85 To about April Of 86 because a buddy of mine came out And uh said he was getting because the snort this coke Because i'm getting this for this price What are they paying for shit out here? He told me like I can make a thousand dollars an ounce not even look at it Thousand dollars an ounce and not even look at it. That's how good this coke was

So I started snorting. You know sam I went on a fucking I went on a six month It was like in six months. I slept five nights legit The other nights it was like I did coke where you either not sleep or you sleep three hours But it's cocaine sleep. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, like you don't even go deep into your fucking system So you're just walking you're just a time bomb here the coke birds here the coke birds Oh, they just fucking mocking you good coke is like good food, right? You're like, oh, this is excellent It just disappears and you know because when you do bad coke your nose just goes

And you're like, ah, fuck. This is bad shit. I just snorted fucking Paint thinner, right? You know and then you get that good stuff It just disappears and everybody's feeling and the ladies are feeling good and that's the whole reason to do cocaine Is let the girls let you do weird shit to them They're just happy just to be on coke and they're just like yeah, whatever you want to light me up And they're like cool, man. You're like, oh, I love it. That's my problem the sex addiction I'm fucking coked up on a three-day bender and I got a plane on

I got on the plane in Newark Headed back and I sit next to this fucking chick in the middle That is throwing the heat jack And you know, I don't talk. I'm coked up. I'm shy at that point You're the only coke head that doesn't talk by the way I'm going to the bathroom doing little bumps by myself She notices and she starts talking to me And on the slide she asked me do you got a blast for me?

You go hold on one second I went to the bathroom like a fucking ounce on me I took a little out put in a piece of paper and I gave it to go knock yourself out This bit started showing on the plane next thing that we started drinking Next thing was she started touching my leg. I'm like, this is fucking getting weird here. She was banging if I was If I was 22 she was 19 20 She was a college student somewhere And she was snorting we were fucking high and next you know, I'm fingering her under a blanket

On a fucking plane I never got her name on her number That's all I have left Raisy like it was who do you meet on a plane and you're fingering them? She was grabbing my cocks. You didn't jerk me off or blow me or nothing like that nothing But it was just crazy. I was fingering this girl That was the time I went to Denver airport and my flight to aspen was delayed. I got nine ounces on me So I said, what am I gonna do on that at the airport?

And I had I hid the coke in those lockers where you keep the key like fucking get shorty Yeah And I and I would take like an eight ball of the chunk and I would go to the bar And I was just fucking drinking doubles in those days I was drinking that fucking whiskey and scotch doubles on the rocks and another one don't touch the ice cubes. I'll fucking kill you You know how much money I spent in quarters getting that coke in and out of this I must have done an ounce at the airport that night by the time we flew out the next morning I was so fucking coked up. Oh, dude, that's the word. I snorted with this music executive

We got fucking drilled at this airport. Then they shut the bar down at three. Oh my god. So we were at this airport coked up I mean if it didn't stick out like I saw some I don't know how the fuck I didn't get arrested that night. We didn't leave till the next morning at eight. I was tuned up I got on that plane tuned up. I started drinking bloody marries. That's why I used to drink in the daytime I didn't give a fuck Now I'm gonna have a fucking pussy. Do you drink stills? Yes and no I got to the shot and fucking somewhere. I was that recently. Yeah, I don't drink man Once in a blue blue blue blue moon

I'll do a shot jack, but I don't really drink. I don't like it I don't like I'm not a weed guy. Like I said once in the blue moon. I'll do shrooms Just to talk to god, you know How's the conspiracy podcast tool? I like you and your partner We got up to uh bean ryan davis tim foil happens saying triply got Got up to 120 000 last week with uh our youtube video and our on our feed So we'll see how it goes man, you know, I'm going well I never knew you were a big big conspiracy guy

I you know, I talked about this on mark marron's podcast But I got in the conspiracy the first time I really knew those conspiracies when the iron cheek and uh Fucking hacksaw jim duggin got busted in the car together Do you remember that and they were supposed to be enemies and then they fucking were caught drunk in a car and I'm like Oh, fuck there's something up here, dude And then my dad always taught me believe nothing what you hear in half what you see and then I've so that I've always questioned everything For me, it's just like I just kind of like I just enjoy knowing what's going on It's not really that I'm trying to solve anything or uh, write any wrongs. I'm just trying

I just like to figure out the game that's being played and they interest me Like I have two podcasts punch drunk sports and I have tim foil hat and my whole days are when I'm not working on stuff I'm either going back and forth from uh, you know espn to reddit and I just it just interests me I love all of it. I love all of it. I love hearing about I love talking about it Sometimes uh rub some people wrong foot ufo not you I'm really in the money and power corrupt That's my thing, you know big foot stuff doesn't do much for me I always had people hit me up not really my thing special be an Armenian. I say leave the furry people alone Let them do their own thing, right?

UFOs I think there's definitely something going on with that But I'm really into the money and power corrupts eddie, you know eddie bravo is the flat earth guy We have this big show this weekend. I don't know when this comes out, but we have a big show this weekend friday and saturday at the La comedy club it's on the tin foil comedy night me eddie bravo My buddy read becker out of hueson who says hello at the uh secret group So the three of us are doing some stand-up in vegas late nights. It's all conspiracy laced It's a it's a woven of a little bit

I mean eddie bravo goes off and it's fun to watch and I go up there and I I do my conspiracy stuff I have enough in there that you know, I can get everybody rocking I'm a conspiracy theorist to a degree But I'm I don't I have time to sit and argue for three hours Well, I get that like do you know what I'm saying? Like I could sit at home and break it down by myself as they're spitting it out at me But I don't know my problem is who to trust So how do you like figure out who how do you figure out what's right? Oh, there's a lot of that, dude

I've been doing like this show about Versace right like I was down there with jim florentine as I was getting off the plane checking into the condo They were killing Versace in my hand And we were both in uh Fort Lauderdale davie at the time when they shot him Yeah, so uh Like it always I always knew they had to be a by the way

Nobody comes up to sam triply A beautiful gay man that owns a clothing company in the middle of the fucking day And just shoots you and creates this fucking manhunt all over south florida. Yeah, they had to be something going on But guess what? I'm a comic I don't have time to be a fucking roving investigator. Yeah, do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, you're not and all of a sudden You're not a pi and all of a sudden I heard little tidbits. I used to work to uh The miami improv yeah time and I would and I would ask What's going on? I would hear little tidbits

That it was crazy what was going on in there. I think it was just crazy You got a fucking mansion in south beach. What the fuck do you think was going gay man in south peace for the mansion money Get money power crazy. It was crazy and at that time You know they had that that bad ass club down there where on monday nights was their busiest busiest night you couldn't get a flight from uh kennedy in manhattan into miami on a monday Because of that one club that the gangsta had The one half of gangsta so miami was very very hot. Oh, yeah, dude

And they just killed this gay guy at two o'clock on the avenue. That wasn't mine. I didn't know Like I said, I'm not an investigative reporter, you know Political stuff. Do you follow that? Yes? That's what you say you think he was off by some powerful people? No, no And not at all. I think he was off by uh scoring lover A scoring lover and somebody who again had mental health issues. Yeah, you know Mental health issues exist in the gay community like any other community The student community in the comic, you know, we talk about it all the time that what we do is a thin line

Of insanity. I mean when you first started comedy, there was a place that you went to One night a week that became your home. Close your eyes trip close your eyes Take your sunglasses off this had an episode of magnum ps Close your eyes and think of remember that that place that used to go that the list was kind of long Like 26 people on a list and you're number 22 Do you remember that trip? Did you ever go to one of those? Yeah, okay Do you remember like number eight? He came every week And he would wear like a handcuff under a suit

And he'd talk about stuff that was normal and then you have like seven minutes at the fourth minute He'd start talking about child pornography And he'd start talking about the dark side of child pornography and that what affected me and and you sit there and go Oh, oh this guy's but at that time no, we were shooting people You know I'm saying it wasn't like a comic's gonna take a gun out and shoot the fucking audience at that time Now you got to be worried because there's a point of stand-up Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa the store on sunday nights 20 years ago Oh, dude, I've had so many big clear remember the old man that went after me

That that place is a thin line between they just let you out of one floor of the cuckoo's nest Right, right, you know, and then you look at the other side of it There's another side like listen I Mean a few movies Yeah, I never wrote a show and never pitched the show right you don't pitch shows ever You know not I've been in this town for 21 years. I've had an agent for the last five

Before that I had some halfway that I give him instructions and I do have to work Do you know what I'm saying? No, I get that before who I'm with now I just had guys that were poses all they were Were I was a corrupt guy and they were the ones that made the call But I would call them and go hey, you know anything about the other I haven't heard anything about it Came out two days ago and this motherfucking idiot don't know nothing about it. I'm wondering why I'm in alabama Opening up for fucking carrot top this weekend on a fucking indian resort. You know what I'm saying? So I used to fucking push the agents

When you're a good manager When you're a great manager by the time your agent gets to the office at 10 and he looks at his facts or his email You sent three emails with three rows for him to get on it, right? Let's go lee get on it not later Not after you rub you now get on it And I would call him at 1001. Yo, what's going on? I just got in drinking my coffee all right one way you drink your coffee Call fucking Jerome Bennett casting in new york. They're looking for a plumber three days on the movie I haven't seen that. Yes. I'm gonna grab a pen

grab a fucking pen 1001 chop chop. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I don't care about the 405. You should have left 15 minutes earlier Yeah, you know, I'm up working since fucking nine. You remember the days of the breakdown. Yes. Did you ever get the break? No, I I used to get them sorry, but I you know man. I used to just go through the motions In acting I've always just wanted to be paid to talk and I'm doing that now and I'm really excited about that I mean if I ever got something on tv, it'd be something where I could just talk Or like now I'm shooting something with my good friend right now. David Deary. We're shooting a uh, it's called mad skills And it's a skills video, but of weird shit like you know trying to if it's a zombie apocalypse

How do you get a gun? You know, you got two grand, but the gun cost five grand So you got but your buddy has coke so you buy coke turn the coke to buy the you know, it's like this weird fun That's what I'm into. I'm into talking I'm not really an actor. I used to get I just never really cared. I just love talking. Well, when I got here My plans are being to stand up before else because nobody wanted me Montreal didn't want me No comedy agency wanted me There was an agency. I'm not gonna say the name. I don't want to hurt nobody's feeling this agency was horrible And I remember they wouldn't even sign me. You're saying like a bad agency even guys that had horrible reputations would pass on me

So I had to do the every 90 day thing I had to go for the lowest common denominator the hanging fruit as they say commercials And I popped like two of those in the beginning to put a little jig in my nose Yeah, and kept me in pork chops and fucking wapa jr. What's on what what's wendy's? What's the wendy's one the jr Yeah, cheeseburger From 97 to to to the 99 to 2000 That was my little four o'clock snack every day 99 cents with some fries and I lived up Had a bowl of chili right there right there. You know what I'm talking about right on you chili from wendy's

Oh In 90s, I would eat chili It was $15 a spot I would eat chili out of your asshole. You understand me $15 some spot and cocaine's a hundred a gram. You do the math. I lived in my car but The best meal of the day was an egg sandwich I would get a nice I would open up the day with a nice

Fried egg sandwich with the sunset. There's dollar sandwiches down the street for me dog. Where when I lived on Hollywood I got to dollar sandwiches dollars egg sandwiches, dude I would eat that shit all the fucking when I first moved there me and scott ross We moved there. He didn't have money, dude So we had to live in a weekly which is one step above a homeless person I'm not trying to make fun of anybody's situation But you know, I was blessed. I had a little I'd worked really hard before I moved I cash in my fucking bank account so we're working hard and uh

So this weekly, uh, it was so hot at night, dude. I couldn't Sleep so I just get up and I just to the I still love walking. I lived near Hollywood Boulevard I love the walk the boulevard and just see the people man. That's when it was nasty Yeah, well, that's why I loved it because I like the shady shit if you lived in a weekly you lived on like 5501 Hollywood Boulevard. I lived right around, you know, they have a uh hostel that does stand up That hostel used to be a weekly on Schrader. Yeah, I lived in there. Yeah, I lived there Yeah, you could only stay for like three weeks in a row 21 days and you had to move to a different fucking hotel Yeah, let me tell you something if I ever write a really dirty dirty dirty dirty book

There's a couple chapters that but I will tell you what happened in hot man Oh, let me just tell you this real quick and then give you So I would walk the boulevard at night because it was so high couldn't sleep but one day scott's working at at the Starbucks by um The saddle ranch, right? He used to work there way back in the day with with the other chick What was the chick's name that moved to christie miller? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, christie miller used to work there So she christie miller used to give me handjobs while we wait for show. She'd always give me a nice hand job

I was we were just sitting there because I was a shady motherfucker, right? So we were I think we were wait we were doing uh gangist cone. There was stand up there. I'd sit down She's done zip and just started fucking jerking me off and it was fun. So anyway, that's terrible So that's maulin brando type shit Sorry, dude So we were we so I feel like you're a median quincy jones for sure, dude So I get a knock I get a knock on my my door one day. It's the manager. These two giant black guys I know they're like you got to move out, dude. I go what they go. You got to go now

I go why he goes we don't have to tell you. I'm like, okay So I get my ass kicked. I just grabbed my shit So I started to grab my shit and then the two black guys are like, oh, dude, this guy's really nice What the fuck and I go, can I just know why you came out? I'm gonna go he goes. Yeah, you're a gay hooker, dude You walk the boulevard at night and you're turning tricks. I'm like, no, I'm not it's just hot as fucking here And I can't sleep at night. Whatever you're a gay hooker. You got to go So they threw my shit on the fucking out on the lawn They'd thrown out somebody else, but they did not go quietly, dude

And they these dudes were just grabbing this guy and his girlfriend and just Throwed him against the wall and threw them on my fuck Gates there and shit. Yeah, and then so they had one apartment on Schrader Yeah, and then they had the other one by the old tower records up there Right up by where the pizza place is now across the street from the pizza place. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, lee. You have no idea Oh, and I used to get that taco bow money I'll never forget buying six packages for a hundred bucks from chewy And getting a ride from an old comic friend from seattle and stopping and getting like a 12 pack and splitting it

And I would go up there and let me tell you something. Have you stayed there for six nights? Three of those nights somebody would knock on your door. It was creepy Lee It was creepy. I had some fucking crazy shit happened to me in that building But I would tell you what else happened that building I'm laying on the in the room one day And the phone's ringing. Remember they had a pay phone. Yeah, this is 97 Is that yours? Yeah, that's yours. This one's mine. This one's yours. No, that's yours. Okay. Was this one yours? No, no, you had that on the couch. Okay

It had to be 97 98 Maybe I was snorting up a storm And some fucking one night a trick just not in the door Oh, hey, uh, but I'll tell you what else happened to me there. I heard my name in the afternoon Is there a joey df in here? I'm laying there watching tv on that they used to have that furniture that

Lee the rooms were a bed With like this old tv old tv. I think one is like the blues brother status Uh, it was dirty and it had like a channel that was just like fucked up porn Yeah, but not really. It was just like We had porn that ran all fucking there was just disgusting And but it was a room and a town and I don't have to deal with anybody man And they let you stay in there for 21 days. I was never in town for 21 days. I was always on the road then So it really didn't matter. I thought she wasn't for a per night

It was super cheap like you would do you do a week like um, it'd be like a hundred bucks a week So you yeah, it was like And they had a bodega and they had a bodega on the corner across the street They had a check cash in place Yeah, but do you remember if you went a little bit more west towards the beach on the corner there There was a diner Tight place, but they were known because on saturday night they would do What a men who dress up like women drag queen drag queen, uh, uh, uh karaoke

Lee sciat lines around the fucking block. Oh, there's still they do that Hamburger marries. It's packed out still over there because they let that shit up That area used to be and I remember going in there one son on one day morning Fucking coming down off an eight ball at that, you know sunday nights at the store In the old days lee Friday and saturday didn't matter at the county store is what you brought on sunday. Yeah, it was what you showed up Oh my god, so much fun. I used to get lit up at the county. I remember one night drinking that mdma And I was passing out and coming back to and shitting passing out and coming back to

Oh my god sunday nights at the store used to I love it, dude. Let me give some shout outs real quick. Yes Give some shout outs First of all, I want to thank everybody who gave me a birthday shout out. You all did the family. Thank you very much 55 I don't believe it. You're looking good, dude. We're trying the bro. I know people who look good drop dead the next day Don't put the malook on me. But anyway, Jesus Christ. Thank you very much. As a matter of fact I brought the malook with me. Look at this right here This is a horn. This is a cornio

And you put fucking the malook. I put a jew malook on it. I don't think he fucks with me from now I'm gonna eat animals. I put the malook on you and shit This is the jew killer right here Anyway, my main man matt homaya randy veyarbey veylarbey donovan salazar Salza

Rulo, you know, I love you cocksucker Lizzie dorazgo keep writing don't let him fucking take you down My main brother surgery or tega my other brother danie bianculo Lexis ardui my main comic court macauan Jojo pad j and that's it. You know, I love all you motherfuckers. Don't forget Do not forget This weekend is sold out. There's nothing I can do about that. Thank you very much denver. Thank you

next week i'm going alabama and then March 21st nyak i'm going into new york the corporation gets released on the 20th So i'll be in the city somewhere. I'll invite you motherfuckers If you want to come by and pick up a copy maybe tj signs it for you whatever you want to do I don't know how it's going to go down. I'm speaking out of line. Anyway, but the 21st the next night I'm at nyak At one of my favorite clubs last time I was there somebody heckled me They got up. They went to the bathroom five guys came in and hit him in the head with a bottle

That's what i'm talking about. That's church family strong. You know what i'm saying? That's nyak That's that me before dude. What's what's who do you represent 607 607 for life homeboy My buddy anthony I was doing stand-up But this guy was just heckling me and the dudes like my friends like this guy this guy who's the family He's a friend of mine now, but he's like dude shut the fuck up and try to list this guy This guy's like I can say whatever the fuck I want Boom drops this guy, right this dude who got dropped girlfriend starts screaming at me like I caused it

She's like you motherfucker. She goes. I know your cia. I know your fbi mother fucker And she throws her bottle beer at me and I just go Just dodged it kept doing stand-up as they threw the fuck out dude Happens all the time dog people come up on stage want to rumble dude I was talking about one time I was at the comedy store and uh this drunk australian chick is like given our uh Brody shit so brody brings me up and this time brody did like the you ever follow follow comic who like Introduces you but it's like a five-minute introduction where he's working a couple more jokes as he's going and you're like let's go home boy Let's go

So I mean bro. I'm like brody bring me up and like so we have this weird interaction And he's leaving also in this australian chick starts screaming at me dude. She's like you're not fucking funny laying into me for five Man's you know all the fucking spot all the guys who work at the commie store at the time We're all little emo fucks with skinny jeans couldn't stop anybody, right? I don't know where this white girl from the corner gets up, man Walks over this girl grabs it goes enough of you turns her around Smacks her on the ass hand to god picks this chick up throws her up over her shoulders and walks this girl out At the comedy store at the comedy store walks her down the stairs

Puts her on the patio tells her not to come back in i'm like who the fuck are you saying i'm just watching show I don't know where a car full of five black guys. This is a true story pulls up Graves this white chick throws her in the car fucking takes off dog We don't know what the fuck happened to that chick Nothing good. It's nothing good. Probably i'm porn hub right now. She's under the fucking 170 So you throw those little dirty bitches up there in the 170 by that one stop there. Yeah, that's fucking rotten bitch corner there I

Was going to put that on google maps now, you know, it's crazy how many Wild things like I wasn't there for the shootings and the what but I was there like Did you hear this story dude the reason there is nobody everybody makes a joke that the reason nobody else got killed Was cute tiffani hattish read the light so long and the fuck every time she talked in the fucking roast battle She'd go on for five fucking minutes the show ran over 30 minutes late because tiffani hattish wouldn't stop talking because she was shit Face god bless the queen she's killing it But she talked that's when the shooting happened because nobody was downstairs Because we were all waiting for fit tiffani hattish to wrap up her summaries of the fucking roast battle

Dude comes up boom boom And everybody was upstairs and they never caught him. Oh dude, they had that shit set up They knew exactly where the park that car so nobody could chase them Listen, that's a that's a great spot to shoot. I've always said the economy store Is a great spot to ice somebody Well, that's what they used to do back now. They got cameras in there now you're fucked unless you know exactly where the cameras are And we spray paint the lens or knock them down But the economy store if I had a beef

With somebody I mean, you know, I mean, you know, I know he didn't uh He said you win your joke. So he called your mother fat. I get that all the time. I'm not talking about that I'm talking about if you had to get sent on a mission To fucking kill somebody but you ought to plan it out like Charles Bronson in the mechanic You had to get them to the economy store because You know like what in the in the original mechanic Charles Bronson plays a thought that's what they they just in the resurrection whatever I wouldn't see it But I know it's just about a guy who kills people

That's not what the character the mechanic was The character of the mechanic was to figure out How to do you with the least amount of damage when he got an order It was either messy Or we got to make it like like so he would look at your records And know you had a weak heart So while you were fucking on the beach he would shoot at you You know, but you're a bad guy anyway, he would shoot at you which would make you run and have a heart attack

Instead of shoot at you so people would say we heard gun go off But why do you die of a heart attack? Right? Just it's a different way of icing somebody science But if somebody came to me and they were like You know You have to kill lee And I knew lee was an avid comedy fan somebody says his weakness is comedy He spends a lot of money up there. He's property problem. He's fucking one of the young girls up there banging them

And uh, he hangs out up there on saturday nights with one bodyguard Probably holding lights and slashing your dog. That's where I would get him or I would get him in the way of if he's married. I would just call his house and say you won two tickets to the comedy store come on down and then put fucking the Pay one of the waitresses to put a pill in this fucking thing that makes them piss and stab him in the bathroom In the old bathroom in the original room when you had to get up and go back there That was the perfect place to ice somebody and know right

There was six feet back there And it was always dark and the light would bounce off the red wallpaper So you I would sit there every night dog in that corner and watch comics And unless you're fucking retarded unless the the comedian is not funny You would look to the left He's lee doesn't know what we're talking about because he never saw the store before they constructed that That used to be wide openly They put a table against the wall that used to be wide open so I could walk straight through the main room

So no matter how dark it was in the original room That little hallway there was gold If you want an ice somebody it would be like that zine in scone face I would make you get up And as you walked into the men's bathroom, I would make sam walk out and tell you They're all packed in there. You got to use this bathroom And as you made it to the fucking thing I'd pop out like Pacino in scarface for the friend you fucked and stabbed you in scarface

Just stab you right there And just leave you and nobody would see it for the friend you fucked by that time at 20 a.m There's maybe 18 people in the main room. They haven't nobody in the back of the main room Guy drops like he had a heart attack and you walked out of there like nothing happened You put a cap on as soon as you hit the door you all walked three different directions for two years. Nobody knows nothing That was the hallway. I used to look at that hallway every night and go boy I hope that fucking like one of my enemies isn't a hallway one night because I know exactly how to get this But that was the heart and if not

You can ice them in the bathroom You got no escape You got no escape in that area Trust me. I used to be angry when I first got to the company store Me too, dude And I would look at ways of icing people like for years. I would look at different ways How would you ice this guy if you had to ice them just this homework? Just to jog your memory, you know what I'm saying just to see if you still have

Run scenarios run the scenarios like I was watching uh What was I watching? Hold on. Hold on and there was this drug deal. They said you cannot get to him It's impossible to get to every all those guys have a mistress And they all sell their pissy to the highest bidder Well, he was banging this mistress. They came out of the closet and fucking kidnapped him right in front of his bodyguards There's always a weakness in their fucking Where there's a will there's a way and you're right there. You know what I'm saying, right? So you gotta break that shit down though. No, but the company store was always like when I was in my angry part of my life

Like I remember one night being up there There was a possessor a particular individual up there who I went on to find years later And I saw him in the main room. This was way before I went off on it Right and in my mind it just dozed off and my cocaine craziness If I was to ice this guy, this is how I would do it. Remember when oj wrote the book? Yeah, yeah, if I was about to do this same thing. It's just stupid fucking No, I didn't do but if I did like that was a book that's crazy Shanking people the main room by people back in the day were fucking all over the place

What happened to playboy radio? Let me know what happened. Well, uh, this basically what used to be big over there Yeah, they used to run my show 17 times a week We record myself vicky gareth reynolds gareth went on to be part of the dollop And the dollop is fucking killing it And then I would uh, you know vicky now doing I think she's doing some a bunch of podcasts now Yeah, vicky buzzer. She's doing great. Yeah, she's killing it. And so we've all kind of it's just kind of hit You know, we kind of did I you can only interview so many transsexual midgets before you're like, I've done it You know I'm saying uh, but playboy the big thing about playboy was that uh, I think it became a um

a loss leader for this company called mind mind geek And mind geek was this allegedly was this company that um owned all the tube sites Right, you know, like you porn red tube Porn hub all those people And I think they were just making a lot of money and they what happened was the big fallout was is that serious radio One more porn stars on playboy and playboy is like, oh, that's not our brand and this was done by uh, Gentleman like I say his name, but he made a fatal decision that in a fight with serious

He's gonna pull it off serious radio and that was the beginning of the end and they had the most beautiful They had the best studio. I was on howard stern twice. I've seen howard stern studio the playboy Radio studio was just as good. I forgot all about that. I thought about that about a year ago What happened with sam bean on howard stern? I mean late This is he had a tv show on spike He was on howard stern toy. I mean, you know, this guy's bulletproof And still fucking you know what i'm saying like he gets up every morning like it's a beautiful day to be alive He knows

That there is something in it. He can't go nowhere now. We're gonna go. We're gonna go. Who's gonna take it now You're in it now till you're fucking. What's the old dude that comes out that has the radio show on sunday night A gentleman of comedy phraser smith phraser smith the charity event with that kid that kid that yeah that man He did uh, we did a skid row during all star weekend. Uh, charles oakley growing up back in the day nicks patch cueing one of my favorite players of all time last time. Yeah this last weekend. Yeah, I went down. It was me uh, shawnee shan joshie phraser smith and dude that guy Annihilated with these young people these people who are in bad places in their life and

You know you go down there man. You see people hard times like we're dude Like we are blessed that we did a lot of drugs and we didn't end up there that we We had a work ethic that was stronger than our drug ethic You know and that some people fall through the cracks man and they're for the grace of god go I so whenever I asked like i'm doing vegas this weekend, dude I'm flying back 9 30 to go in the morning at Yeah, I get back at 9 30 to do a charity event I'm feeding people. Do you remember when

You would go to vegas or swertown and you wouldn't even get a return flight because You knew it was that type of party weekend like there was a time 2002 To 2006 when I went on the road like I would stay clean two days before I went on the road Because I knew it was going to be every night they already were waiting for me

I knew exactly where to go. They were going to drop it off during the first show on wednesday night. It was great It was just crazy this Like it was fucking crazy this and now you go into these times you do you show you right back to the hotel room Your watch I like to sleep dude. You sleep. You read a book. You're fucking right jokes You know in the old days I used to sleep all fucking day get up hung over eat I wouldn't exercise. I wouldn't do shit I would walk to the restaurant and fucking eat like a the cocaine hangover. Oh You know where you would just eat like two breakfasts

fucking Four slices of toast every one of them had one of those things You have the little round thing a whole thing of scoop You and then I would drink like freshly squeezed orange juice feeling healthy which in my mind would make me be healthy What are you talking about cocaine? I tried to get out of the water this morning. Did you go for a walk? Why would I go for a walk? I drank fresh and squeezed orange juice. Do you ever take uh, Allergy pills for your runny nose So your nose wouldn't be so blocked and then you wake up and it's like the the desert in your nose

Just dry because you don't really have any problems you thought no I would always take cold like hit my fingertip With my finger and I would always dip it in the coke and just shove it in my nose and you give it a couple minutes And that's draining that opens up everything if it's real Within two minutes, you'll be fucking breathing smelling farts from 1973. You know I'm saying this coca-cola cold Coke kills everything. You know I'm saying no way about that. You got the book bronchitis. Do a line Run with it. Who gives a fuck? You took a flu shot didn't you take a chance columbus did what the fuck?

Totally didn't matter like when I was when I was 20 I'm 21 22 it didn't matter if I had a cold it didn't matter nothing If somebody had a line and we had a potential to get down the cold went away right away That's why I know it's all in the mind Because I lived through it. That's why when people tell me shit I sit down and what are you talking about? I I lived through it. I I flew what fucking flew I'm not I'm not gonna lie to you. I ended up fucked up a couple times I couldn't One Christmas I was sick for three fucking days. I couldn't move out of a bed

But that had been after six months Of being out like a fucking animal this kid Anthony Sabatino took me home And everybody knows days knew if you took me home, you didn't know when I was gonna leave Like it was I and like you took a chance taking me to your house and feeding me even though it was Christmas and shit But I grew up with Sabatino He took me to his house and I laid there for three days. I slept. That's how hard I was going I get it, dude. I tell you all the time 29. You're worried about sleep at 29. I didn't even know what a blanket was I slept right there. Go ahead taking that for now. You'll be fine tip top magoo. You brushed that too

Tip top magoo dog. Shit Gackers Oh my god girls letting you get weird. Dude. That was my favorite just the thought of it Just is like, oh such a fun time Yeah with sexual harassment bill. Oh, dude, my moves. I used to ring the doorbell. That was my opening move Like talk to girl ring the doorbell. What do you mean? That's your opening move? I like, hey, low I grab her clothes. I'm I close, you know, there's some there ring the doorbell and now you can't do that shit no more Yeah, that's like the 18th move. I thought no, no, no, dude

Like you gotta know when the when the when they want to seal the deal, you know, when you know that you gotta go in You know chicks like knuckle draggers. They want no gentlemen knuckle draggers. They don't want the dudes running through the airport Fucking, you know crying about how much they love them, you know, they want respect But they want grown ass men who are fucking cavemen who are a fucking show some Some respect, you know, but they want grown ass 15 fucking years dog 15 years. Yeah, I google how to fake my own death daily, but I love her to death, dude. I love her. I love Yeah, we've lived together. We got a dog and who we I love that dog Pollyanna stinks majinx, you know, I love that dog

I'm a little fatty too. She runs. It's so funny to watch her run because she's a little chunky It's I love it. Did you ever dream you'd still be doing this 20 years later? You know, man, I don't ever remember dreaming of like anything like nothing Dude, I'm from first grade, dude. They didn't expect shit from me. My parents were looking around for the reseed And you would tell you have a degree. Yeah, I got I got a degree from UNLV I mean, you're a smart guy. I mean, you know, I'm not a test taker though. I can take it. I can put I can put you You're you're a you're the type of guy could drop you off on a corner with a dollar And pick you up at five and you now 15 dollars. Yeah, and you ate lunch

Yeah, you're following me you figured it out and you got new sneakers for yourself for sure You brought home a five for papa and you got sneakers. Everybody's happy everybody's happy No, and that's what that uh, that's uh, I've seen you like One of the greatest quotes I ever heard about you. Uh, you Kept that. Well, I don't know what I was doing at the time It was like every time you did that fucking show on a thursday I was out of town. I have my friend owns vmack. It's a really good jujitsu guy john bud And every time he does something

I'm either off by an hour or i'm gone for the weekend We just this weekend. He's got a great seminar over there. I think I don't know joey haas and somebody else And I saw it and I go god damn it. I've been sitting here for three weeks. Nobody does dick Also, i'm about to leave and he wants to have a seminar. That's the story of my life too. I'm surprised. I'm doing reason I'm looking at this thinking. When is the audition gonna come in? There it is right there. No Thank god Thank god, i'm sitting there going when is the audition gonna come in

That they need on tape by tomorrow at one o'clock to really fucking burn my grow You know what i'm saying and it's perfect for me And it's not bad enough that you got to be on a fucking stage at eight o'clock at night And be and do two shows on a thursday shoot something sent to what's that you got to shoot something sent to Is that most auditions now they like put it on camera if you're gonna fucking call me, okay? Yeah, tell me put an audition on tape At 3 30 and bevelly drive. I'm gonna ask you can I ask you a personal question sam? Sure Are you sending this to the producers and our producer's gonna be in the room?

The producers are not gonna be in the room. Okay, so i'm gonna go down there into bevelly fucking drive 3 30 For something i'm not sure of well, guess what right around the corner here on laurel canyon There's a kid that you go in there He puts the timer on 20 minutes You sit on the other side he puts a camera on you He gives you one of those things that you sing, you know those conductors that put music Yeah, you put your sides on there

And he tapes you he slates you you do it Within an hour you have your audition. Oh, that's great right at the fucking house and then you send it to your agent And guess what? It's the same fucking thing It's the same fucking thing So do it And it saves you three hours three hours. I did it. That's how I got am I lying here They called me a year ago to come in for an italian tailor one day shoot

For a fucking tail. I'ma stand up. Why would I want to i'ma stand up? It's a stand up show right? Why would i'm gonna fucking be a tailor right? So I said no i'm good. Thank you very much. I'm busy that day Again, that was one of those drives into the mouth the hell You know, I don't if if i'm home for the week I'll take the drink when i'm home for a whole week Is when I do podcasts for people I got time to spread my wings one day through wednesday. I got much time. I got the kid I got a little swimming, you know, I got ballet tonight. You know what i'm saying?

So Yeah, you just don't have the time So if you're just gonna make me go down there's just for producers for a pilot That we're gonna shoot. Yeah, and this is real money like we're talking. Yeah. Yeah, I'm there with the shoe shine I got toenail polish on my fucking nuts are fucking shaved. I know my lines But and i'm giving it hell. I'm giving it how right now I love those rooms when I walk in then there's four motherfuckers in there And I get them going in there and I get them going before the lines even come out

Get laughs once they start talking to me about something I take them through a journey of psychological abuse And then the lines are on And now even though I don't get it They thought about me for two days before they pulled the trigger story for you. Yeah, they pulled the trigger They they they made me they they were like wait a second Before we pay this guy 60 000. Let's look at this guy again one more time for fucking the small You know I'm saying I uh I go on this audition. We're doing this audition We're just kind of slating everything and this guy's having conversation

And somehow it's brought up like how do you want to do as he goes? I don't know man I think you should do whatever the fuck you want to do. We had this motherfucker in last week This guy's dropping n bombs on fucking everybody and you know the the the producer The casting director is like you'll never work in this town. You'll never work in this town. You're fucking dead Gets a call from the director. He fucking booked that motherfucker. Who do I find out it is? Joey mother fucking Diaz Fucking is the guy that they were talking about that booked this fucking gig to start dropping n bombs in the middle of the audition And the fucking casting director went nuts

But the people above them fucking loved it and you got the gig that's a fucking real story I fucking heard in an audition for a video game Probably dude, I don't know where it is. You start dropping n bombs and the casting director's like I don't know you're never going to work in this town and the director's like hire that motherfucker In an audition you got to push the envelope got go for dude, but if you don't if you don't push the envelope You're not going to get the road the director wants to see you push the as for forgiveness not permission to go big in the Hole I tell people when they do the audition just I mean for the podcast just be out She don't have to worry about funny just be outrageous go hard in the paint

Go hard make them fucking have to look at you tend to bring them back in again Sam thank you for coming on Class where you performing again? Okay, so tomorrow night thursday, uh the 22nd I believe it is we are i'm doing the naughty show pet house pet Pet house presents a naughty show live at the LA comic club in the stratosphere. I got Kenna james panels pet. We're giving away top co Vibe bears for all the ladies and there you go and then the fucking next night friday and saturday night eddie bravo And I and my buddy read back becker. We're doing the uh tinfoil have comic night conspiracies in comedy all night

LA comic club 11 30 friday saturday night go to the la comedy club dot com and finally march 25th I'm shooting my special at the viper room. It's called zero fucks And uh, we're shooting two shows. I believe it's going to be 7 30 and 9 30 so I think it's only going to be 100 people in each show so Let let a brother know because i'm handpicking these motherfucker some chicks like i'm bringing like five of my friends I'm like no dude you bring you and one other chick Do you know is dead on the inside and is he going to be good and offended about anything? I'm handpicking every motherfucker in here. Nice touch brother. Viper room. I like your fucking style

Sam triply. Let me drop some money and I'll let you go. I know you got things to do. It's thursday You like joy. What the fuck you gonna talk about me talk about shaving. All right When I shave I ain't fucking a handsome dude So I gotta I gotta get the most out of my fucking gi to see it. You follow me I gotta get the most out of my money. I love harry's. You're like why joe? I'll tell you why the blades the closest of the shave the comfortable glide Listen harry's is all about a great shave at a fair price. Why? Which is why over three million guys have switched to harry's

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Big off a fucking plane with a parachute It's all over and then i'm going to fucking levity leaves Levity live and fucking nyak the home of the witness relocated Anyway, I love you motherfuckers. I love sammy trips. I love you too, buddy Thank you very much for coming on any time all the time lisa. Yeah, don't forget about me. You know the jews love me Have a great weekend and i'll see you guys this weekend in denda. Stay black You Need

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