Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #565 - Dan Cummins

Episode Date: March 8, 2018

Dan Cummins, a stand up comedian seen on "The Tonight Show" and Comedy Central and the host of the "Timesuck Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get $30 off you first order.    
MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your order of first order with free shipping in the US and Canada. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 03/08/2018.

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Satisfaction guarantee Go to me on these dot com slash joey. That's me on these dot com slash joey You're gonna love how they feel you're gonna love how they fit and you're gonna love how they look and remember You want confidence it starts from the inside out. All right kick that fucking mule Lee It's the church of what's happened now March 8th motherfuckers here we go one two three What a fuck you think it's dealing with Churchill what's happening now bitches can make it known that we won't get swayed it's 91 son Pop it pick the music and make sense

Let's run It's the fact that you can't be autistic intricate raps. Are you fucking kidding me or what? It doesn't have to be spoon-fed and I can read it doesn't have to be red So some stay illiterate and feeble legally licked you go to ways of the weasel Oh shit the flying Jew then Cummings Are you fucking kidding me you might as well break out the syringe, bitch Are you fucking kidding me people Pull over just below it's over

You're just sitting there drooling on what the fuck uncle Joey. Why must you abuse me like this? Oh shit Are you fucking kidding me or what that's when that's when it was starting out that's that's Couple white dudes goofing on vanilla ice. Are you fucking kidding me or what? I don't think I've seen somebody have that much fun with third base since 1991. Yeah You just fucking got into that that I can when I fucking found that the other night I just take and I take like that, you know the goma goma and the fuck the melatonin mix together Oh, yeah, I do the melatonin. I do the whole thing. It's goma goma. I don't know

Is it to me and I take it all right And I pop them and I'm waiting an hour for the shit to sink in And I'm popping through videos and I found that and I gotta tell you something for a minute like my body just froze I forgot about that song like it took me right back to that was I was in the halfway house We used to watch that in the community Wow, you know I'm saying yeah, and the white guys would be dancing couple black guys would be dancing Did they not let you watch like intense like Like explicit music and did they let you listen to it? No because in those days MTV was in a whole three Three-floor halfway house and they had a community room with a TV

That you could get your food and go down there and shit chat with all the other convicts Or they had a TV in your own room and you were either in the three-man room or a seven-man room Okay, gotcha you follow me so I feel like that was a I think pop pop goes the pop of the weasel was like a year Two before it was a weird era of hip-hop with like the white dudes like a OMC how bizarre I think he was just remember that how bizarre So many funny songs looking back, but yeah third base I think they took themselves pretty seriously that was my favorite part of like when I just watched that video was them Them I love it like there's no way that that song is less corny than Ice Ice, baby

But they just they're just shitting on vanilla ice. I was living in Boulder when ice ice, baby came out And I hung out with this dude that was solid. I loved him. He was my brother for years And he had a nephew Brother-in-law, okay, that was probably 15 when the ice came out. Yeah, and he was a vanilla ice Freak, oh, yeah, and our job was to torment them. I'm like, we would just fucking We would just who gave you this We tell them like listen fucking, you know, what's a black dude with the baggy pants? Oh emcee hammer Yeah, we go listen hammer. Yeah fucked up vanilla ice

Like he would pull his hairs out. He fucking cut his own skin I Was I was doing your hi when ice ice baby came out and I thought I literally thought it was the best song I'd ever heard of my life. I knew how I could do the dance That was like that was like a run DMC tough for the lever I got that I gotta do that and then fat boys. I was one of the rare people that had a fat boys cassette Remember the song jelly roll. It's like one of the worst. Oh eat. I need it jelly roll Well, it's good for the heart the body and soul. I eat it. I need it jelly

This cornea shit shit was terrible. It really was terrible, but I thought it was the coolest I remember playing well, if you're 12 and 13 I've never heard and you know You like that. This is the coolest thing and then you listen to when you're 16 and you fucking throw the album away Oh, yeah, yeah, give it to mom give to give this to blind kids There's some shit that don't know and what a weird era where it's like, you know NWA's debut album wasn't far behind. It was right around there and iced tea with like body count and stuff So there was like hard-hitting real shit

At the same time as I eat it. I need it. Just a roll This one was right around the corner. Oh, yeah, that was that was the first. That's one of the first CDs I ever bought. Yeah, it's crazy when you look at it and you saw the whole Thing and I really saw in New York. I was a kid. Oh, yeah, I'm an old fucking man. So I saw the disco Go from disco To fucking like sugar hill gang and all that kind of stuff. I still remember doing an eight ball one night when I was 16 Yeah, we listened to that hip a hop habit. Oh, yeah Yeah, listen to that over and over from 11 o'clock till six in the fucking it's the only album we had in the house

That's all we listened to early cool J. Like when he was like 16 He didn't come out too far after or like 85 or something 84 that by that time. I was gone Okay, I was mugging people Not to change the subject Joey, but how many people have you sent to like mental institutions? I can't believe you said this guy was cutting himself Let me explain something I was thinking as I was telling Dan Cummings I had the weirdest thing happened to me for years people trust me with their kids I don't know what the fucking thing was and I'm great the kids. I'm great with kids Josh Wolf kid will testify to a Josh

This is a weird subject to go into after sending people to mental institutions lead in well, but this was the deal I I kind of babysat him and his his His mom would work at Albertsons and they knew I was struggling and they were struggling So we would help each other out. So the struggle was they would let me their car at night to go do a gig If I would watch it's no, this is Okay Really opened my days. Okay Denver and then I would watch their kids and they had a five-year-old kid

And I loved them like he was my fucking son and I would get Chinese food and we were watching movies And he would ask his mother. Please let uncle Joey watch so he started getting older. He liked football So we would play football on the fuck. I would clean out the living room and we would play fucking football I watched that kid for years and he hated he would always carry the ball out So right before he'd score. I just take the ball of his hand and I go fumble and he'd go you cheated You cheated you cheated. This is Constantly so he would fucking go to the room and go fuck you. Yeah I don't ever want to play with you again, but the next day would be out there tackling each other, right?

And one day we were playing football. I'm not To be about 10 How old are you? I had to be in my fucking 28 or something. He still calls me uncle Joey I just talked to him when I was in Denver. He was a fake tooth Baby tooth or but grown up. I think it was a baby. I think it was a little younger But he was he loved me and I loved him and then I moved to Seattle And then I moved to Los Angeles and Josh Wolf just had a kid and She had a work and Josh had a fucking work

And I slept on Josh's couch and he would say listen, you know, what's the fucking kids? Yeah, you know, that's part of the fucking deal and I still remember Me being at the commie store one night and getting a call from one of my friends saying hey, man Have a problem over here. I'm watching Josh's kids kid and he won't stop fucking crying Josh I called Josh, but he's too far away with his wife. Can you come over? Yeah, I had a drive over there and Like they were watching TV and playing like baby music He didn't like that. Yeah, how I put him to bed. Yeah, yeah fucking sublime. Yeah

With him to sublime. Yeah and dog within two minutes. Josh you interview Josh Wolf He'll still tell you from today Because Malia his wife was a bigger woman and she had big fucking jugs of debt And she was warm-blooded tie and Swedish. Okay, so she was bigger and I think at that time I was a bigger guy and I don't know what it was. He loved me Jacob till this day. Yeah, I'm his uncle Joe You know, yeah, yeah, yeah and the girl too. Yeah, because the girl at that time had to be three So she had a brother that was five that would torment her and every time I'd catch him fucking tormenting them I would fucking tell Josh when I'd squeeze his ear. Yeah. Yeah, I poke him in the side. I'd do something to him

But I had them all like when I was I had them all like after they thought they'd go by you So if you farted about Josh's kids, they would go by you know saying Like the little one the girl still calls me uncle Joe And I still remember being in the car with her and Josh one day And she was in the car seat and she was the cutest little thing And we're driving on vista between sunset and What's the street that you could drive on when you're drunk fountain? Yeah It's

Kettison said that you could drive on fountain when you're drunk but leaves ago and so we're driving down that street and there's a homeless guy and he's walking across at a car, but he's taking his time and He looks at Josh Wolf and Josh Wolf has to actually break the car and The guy looks at Josh and Austin Josh goes under his breath. He goes fuck you And Austin they're silent in the car and the little girl goes I Can't wait till I can grow up and say fuck I

Cuz fuck it now, you know, she was always around me and sure sure we tried to control it But I was always up for some people for some reason the weirdest people trusted me with their kids The reason we get good energy got good energy. I feel like this is gonna be a dark story What's gonna end with like she's a man? Yeah, but I would fuck with them. Yeah, I'd fuck with them. You gotta talk to my kids Yeah, or not they'll torment you. Yeah, you gotta torment them from time to time What do you mean? Like torture them like, you know, play I scared the shit out of my son my son Jumpy, he's twitchy. Oh, it's the it's just the best reaction

It's so rewarding where just like you sneak up on him when he's like nervous and like a dark area And I'll just get right behind him. Just like just really like She just got like into Harry Potter. Oh, yeah, well, so she just she's fine. Yeah, just got into it She's wearing the wizard hat shit. You scared the hell out of her. So no So I'm gonna gonna get like a costume like that deal with the beard and waking her up at night in the middle No, that's a good guy if you want to scare you should get to I shouldn't tell you this But you should get to mentors like in one of the books like the scary like flying guards the game they guard the prison Yes, they like they like Dumbledore. I think she's only watching the first one now

But no, yeah, the reason why I was thinking of Josh both of these memories because we were talking before the podcast started about Seattle Yeah, but starting. Yeah, you started in Spokane. I started in Spokane But Spokane didn't have much of a scene. It was the best place to start looking I didn't know anything about stand-up when I when I got there was one room in Spokane That was owned by a karate guy Chris Warren the brick wall comedy. Holy shit. There you go And holy shit you slept in the karate school. I miss yet. I heard about that. That was that You slept at the karate school. I did it one time the mass. Yeah, and I'm like hilarious man That guy's had a crazy come on guy. Oh my god

Well, when I started Chris had his room in the valley in Spokane and then like but you had to oh Be like out of town or something like that to work with him for the most part He would host he would book out of town feature He would book out of town headliner, but there was another room key stubs out of Utah Yes, had a little room at the red lion called laughs that he stole from triple Yeah, I'm sure he did sure he did. Yep. He's yeah, and when they started but he wasn't booking out of town features So there was about ten dudes doing comedy in Spokane But they only booked headliners and they were trying to do four shows when I started and so they just need a bodies

and so if you would just go up and just fucking talk and kill time and Not make the crowd hate you you could get stage time immediately in front of a paid audience So like my second week of comedy I was doing like ten minute sets in front of a paid audience Wow, and I didn't know that was not normal because I didn't I didn't study stand up I just kind of like was trying it on a whim and so looking back It was that so I started getting State time every single weekend because I would just at least try stuff and then trip

They recommended me to triple and that's before I got to Seattle Seattle was like a year in for me when I went and did the Underground I hosted slept on some couches hosted and it was like I felt like a real comic for the first time before that I Would do triple runs these these shitty fucking bars and stuff from Montana and Idaho and northern Nevada and Oregon and Washington Because I had a Honda and a Lanter that ran well and that was all the all I needed That's all you need headliners will fly into Spokane I would pick them up and as long as I would just drive everybody to these gigs and these this shit was like you'd have to The joke with a triple run was you'd have to cut your set early to start driving to make it to the next show on time Like there was so spread out. You'd be in like hours. Yeah for real like you'd be in 10 hours

And then some days it was six hours Sundays. It was too. Yep Like one day you'd have like a two-hour drive. You're like, whoa, thank God for two Yeah, it would be Missoula Montana one night and you might have to go to Idaho Falls, Idaho the next which would yeah It'd be like eight hours away and sometimes I remember this little tiny haunt I balled tires going over those passes Not not being afraid of dying which I should have been just you know, but just like oh shit I hope I make it to this gig. I can't give you what what would possess. You know what a young man You know, I had logic at that time I wasn't the smartest guy in the world right but I remember doing triple runs

You know right now like right now was going on the East Coast. Yeah, they're telling you stay home They canceled a thousand fucking a thousand flights and all these shit. Oh, you still you still make it to the Yep, I never show me my mother called and she said what Lee we got snow tires We got gas we got weed we got a radio and we got an extra tire in the back and I got triple a we're going Yep, and I never miss a gig You got there an hour late Yeah, there was one gig that I was questionable they canceled it was that bad It was important or it was outside of Portland, Oregon. Okay. It's really slippery Vancouver probably

Yeah, it gets really slippery. Yeah, it was like a Saturday night gig or something. Yeah, they got slippery But I bet it was Longview, Washington. I mean think about it. What made you You know comics hit fucking deer on those triple right? I hate hitting deer. You know It's a triple fucking I hate hitting deer as there's some people like Like in those days you got the triple sheet, right? Oh, yeah, the rundown They would fact you to run down and it would say Tuesday March 6th Tuesday we might would be like that little Ogden, Utah was my first run and then my second night was

Rivered something Wyoming where the mafia had taken the federal government had to take over Sheridan was Sheridan or shut. I forget. I've said you Something rock. Yes. Yes. They did it on 60 minutes. There's a think about it That the mafia would take the prostitutes from Vegas. Yes. Yes. Yes. Run them through their rehab them. They had strip clubs that You can't you like you were like You can't be fucking serious Like it was like five dollar Lap dance that came with a handjob a finger up your ass like it was and it was everywhere

So the federal government had to get it Rock City. I gotta look at up now. I owe me Rock Springs I owe me. I did it one time that was they had two comedy rooms in there like a disco that turned into a ladies night and Whatever and then you the guys you have no idea like if I sit here with you like I you know I fuck around with Lee and I torment them. This is To do these triple runs and to think you're gonna like I would book these in January like the first triple run I booked. Yeah, was was a federal gox brings With the first triple run I booked was January 30th and he called me Lee He called me like on a Sunday night at 11 30. I remember him paging me and me seeing to

Like the zip code and going Oh my god out of Vancouver, Washington. Oh my god and running to the payphone and going. Yes, mr. Triple. Yeah, Joey Yeah, I've heard good things and we're ready to go to work and you're on the other side of the phone. Yeah He's okay. I got three weeks of work for you grab a pen and you only do you have a pen and you like Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna pay phone and he's like do you have a fax number and you're like Not really, but I'll get back to you before you you feel like so. Oh, yeah It's a badge of honor when this is crazy. Yeah, this was like your big chance to go on a fucking triple run The professional you're a professional you get 75 hours a day

You get 50 that night and the rest they melty in a fucking check, okay? So that's how it is and he said he tell you the first week. You're gonna go to Ogden, Utah that right springs and then you're gonna end up in fucking the Air Force base in Idaho Mountain home Mountain home Air Force base and to you. It's like saying you're gonna do the Wilbur theater or something It was like sure man. It's big in between you and I at that level at that point in my life It was like doing Madison Square Garden being from New York City. Wow Like I still remember packing that car like going I cannot believe this you get a free hotel Hotel room sometimes get a free meal. You know what the best thing about it. Nobody knows what a fuck I am

Nobody get a hold to me. I don't want nobody get a hold of me. I don't want nobody know what a fuck I am. It's over Yeah, I'm becoming a comedian. That's my equivalent to becoming Clint Eastwood like an unknown guy. Yeah, man You just listen Disappear into the man with no name. You don't know where you're going. You don't know how you're gonna get there You got fourth tires that brand new you just got your car tuned up you got 300 and ten dollars in the bank You got an apartment that sucks dick, you know, and one day you go, you know what I'm giving up this fucking apartment

Did you do you remember this gig in Lewis, Idaho where there was a car? That was in this bar like a sports bar in the stage was just a little prop stage and coming out of the car It was like a thundered home. Everybody's above you. It was like a Wednesday night I remember going to Lewiston. I got arrested and I got a warrant in Idaho fucking a long time What's the day had to Idaho City? Yeah, that one the little tree in and Idaho was across Idaho falls So fucking nightmare. So it was a Thursday and Wednesday Right, and there was polka tello was another one polka tello with the other guy that brand the business. He was his partner Yeah, something I and he booked northern, California those nights Lee was very special. Oh man because they were 75 with no hotel

Those were very special Lee. Do those those gig Oh boy, I saw this is the only time I've ever seen it all the years since too. I saw somebody I watched their comedy career end like I saw the moment when they stopped Yeah, it like like what they left like this this crowd was so rough. This is it when that you Washington I watched this guy. It was some prop guy. He would do you do half hour Then you would do an hour if you were closing the room. So he's doing a half hour I'm doing an hour at this time and the he literally gets no laughs for a full half hour, but it was a rough room It's not like it was easy to get laughs, but it really shook him like it really shook him

And then the next night was this night. I'll never forget this. He's doing his sets. It's a full room But it's it's like people would come to some of these rooms to watch you fail Oh, as opposed to enjoy the show, right? They're looking so this guy. I've never seen this since He does about seven minutes and he had this little suitcase for the props. Oh, no He just stops talking mid-sentence and he just looks around like just to feed it in his eyes And he just carefully puts all his props back in his suitcase And he closes it and he walks off stage and he walks out of the hotel never to be fucking seen again He's really cool for his check. Nope. Nope. He's like triple calls me

I call triple and he's like, can you do the rest of the show? And I was like, can I get his check and he was like, yeah, and I was like fucking done and I went and did 80 minutes I only saw one guy fracture on stage never come back You never forget it when you see the When you see the break you fucking die it was it took this kid 18 months Oh, I do I I saw him every night for 18 months and you saw the moment it ended. I saw two kids crack I saw one I

Saw one guy disappear into the abyss Keechie he would come on every Monday and go This is my impersonation of a door This is my impersonation of a flower This is my and this is constantly every I want him to quit This is my impersonation of a bong but he had his moments. He had his moments like Andy Kaufman s Yes, right. He was and he was a nice sweetheart of a guy. He had a clean soul He didn't do drugs. It wasn't like a mental health issue

This was the style of comedy that He went and he pulled me aside one day after nine months of me knowing him and he goes, I gotta ask you a question What do you think I should do and I go stop doing impressions? No He had something to him. Okay. Okay. He just He was at a point where he was so ahead of himself Stage prepared you look right a joke that Me and you only think it's funny. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah But then you give up on it and then three years later you bring it back and now the jokes are fucking

Oh, yeah, it becomes a closer because you yeah, you're ready for it. You're ready for it. Yeah He didn't he did not know how to do this. He wasn't ready for his material Telling you I would look you guys in the face and tell you he sucked Sucked and he was handsome Which made it better. He was a thin guy Well, at least at least that makes the story less sad. He had a lot of things going for him Yeah, yeah, but he just didn't know how to sell. This is my impersonation of the frame You know, I'm saying like and he kept doing it and doing it and every way we go

He would bomb and he would fucking they would throw shit at him He went to like Bellingham He went to like a no he didn't go to Castle. No, he didn't go to the Elephant Castle. He went to the Navy Yard He went to Bremerton and they threw the name the Navy just like no we live in submarines We came up for oxygen. We got to put up with impersonations of an impersonation of a submarine They drew something at him. That's why I saw they really did throw it to that That's why I saw the broad that we were talking about the woman that she walked the room. Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, the girl. I don't want do you want me to say your name? Yeah, Cathy Cathy. Yeah, walk the room. She'll tell you

Yeah, oh, she's fine. She's like a room in Bremerton. They were the Navy. They were very different than that She was an underground comic. That was not her crowd. No, no, no She went up there like an abortion joke and the end of the story bam They ran out of that place So he bombed he ate a bag of dicks there and then Pat Wilson put him at the Army base on a Friday as an opener And he died there and then he came back to the open mind Yeah, oh my god, and he was fucking just He was a day away from hanging himself, right? Like I could see that his day job was getting rough on him

Him this girl from we're having problems. He was out every night, you know And one night he's up on the stage on a Monday He's like good evening. This is my impersonation of a book, you know, this is my impersonation of an eyeball This is my impersonation of a flower. And also you hear somebody go Do an impersonation of a comic, right? You can hear it from the back of the room physically and emotionally like that was it you can see You can see his soul leave his body Didn't even get the light. He just said good night. He walked out of there. No high-five never seen again

Never saw my god Then there was a kid who came with a he used to come on with a fucking With a open mic scenes for anybody who doesn't know this and is considering comedy and think that we're crazy your first year You're gonna be doing comedy with 20 people in the room and ten of them a borderline mental health issues Oh my god, and Lee is starting to see it now that 50% of us a little like a douche So at first you act yourself like why am I doing this? But then somebody sees right like then you're pretty funny come up to Seattle and you see how it is and you go, okay?

Now I put it into perspective right in judgmental and then by going to the open mics You learn to the people that want to be Hollywood stars and you learn to the people that are hobbyist, right? There's nothing wrong with that right getting on stage twice a week Yeah, yeah, yeah working man and just having a great time. Yep on your week off Yeah a week with Dan Cummings and open firm right make a little money Yeah, some of us want to be part of the scene or they're doing the same thing years later But that's all they want to do. They just want to be part of the scene. That's fine Yeah, you meet so many different

Different people. Oh, yeah, it's such a journey like yeah telling you about is 20 years ago Like I still remember going to the eight ball in the first time I was great falls Montana God damn it that room was a fucking night merit for me. It's tough going in there with a white dude I decided to go in there to call headline with Rico the black dude with the spider in his face We go into a white diamond there isn't a black man within a thousand fucking million yards, right? What do you think this motherfucker does in the restaurant? He's Muslim so he gets on his hands and knees and starts playing. This is way before 9 11 Yes, if people weren't this is when no, no, no, no, you didn't know nothing. This is 1990 fucking 5

Okay, where my heart was praying at whatever my idol, you know, I never heard nothing good about idol with minorities I'm sitting there going I can't believe I'm in a fucking diner filled with white people and other and I'm with a six foot six 320 pound black man who's on the floor playing the hour right now Did you do that after like you guys were already sitting together like yeah Like I didn't know when the bullet was gonna come to my fucking head Then I went back to that bar. Yeah And the dog girl look like Keechie, but she was the owner's dog

So she's very sweet. She's very nice. I'm very polite. I'm working with a female. We'll call a headline She goes if there's anything you need Let me know when I go out to be honest with you. I'm gonna triple run and this is gonna be a long week If I get some marijuana, it would be tremendous. She goes is that all you need? And I thought what else do you have and she goes name it? We have a Mexican cook on the back and he's got 20 Organization up here. So you need roller skates. You need bubblegum. You need cocaine laced fucking bazookas. I Mean she stocked this up for the week. Wow. It got crazy

She was a sweet girl beautiful girl. You know the whole thing. Yeah, she goes out Deliver it to your hotel room, right She got there and she's like I'll take a blast Like I try to give him like 20 bucks and like a little bitch cuz no, no, it's okay I'll take it. Do you mind if I do a taste to you? And I said, yeah, do whatever you want. Yeah, this bitch pulled out of rigs And that's when I was like, when does it end like you're shooting cocaine in fucking God's country. What? Rigment right. She took the rig out. I can't see needles. So I'm gonna go outside She rigged her coke shot it and fucking left and then came back and left me a note in the door like an hour late

Like I like to come back and shoot some more later. I'm gonna I found it in the morning Like I did two bumps that night went to see if I had a drive eight fucking hours Oh man small towns and stuff like that. Yeah, that's and things like that People reach a level of despair people like I'm from a really small town in Idaho and I feel like similarities in some ways to when I hear stories of people from like a ghetto where it's like a Land of no hope when you feel like there's no hope. It's like a lot of people in those little towns Their third fourth generation little town, you know like that and they just feel like they're stuck there forever They want to get out when the high school is over and then when they don't the people who stay

It's like a deep level of despair Sinks in and you just see like the light go out in their eyes And then it's like the math and then heroin is you know, like a fairly big heroin's actually big in Coeur d'Alene Why live now like there's a real Beautiful ski town is beautiful beautiful beautiful if you got money if you got money they used to have a gig there in 95 Yeah, there was once a month. There's a little I worked it and the guy the only came up to me He goes, I got I like you because I'm from Connecticut But I can't have as many fucks so I can't bring you back

He gave me an extra hundred dollar bill and he was a gentleman. Yeah. Yeah ski pass for Saturday. Oh, they don't have that Okay, it was like a special a comics uncle booked it and it was once a month and I got it like yeah December and I went up there. I didn't ski right, but the guy came out on Saturday He's like, you know what I just had a lot of complaints. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah like the fucks But I was telling me Moscow, Idaho. Oh, yeah Vandals so now after I become a triple guy my next dream You want to continue with bookers? So I moved to Seattle and the big booker up there is John Fox this guy had a newspaper that I read

Every week called just for laughs. I would sit there at night coked out crying circling the clubs I was gonna perform at some day to punch mine in San Francisco. Oh Walnut Creek I'm gonna be there someday. Yep the fucking comedy castle and fucking whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and here I am in John Fox territory. I got up to Seattle on a Saturday. I Showcase that the I did the open mic Monday, right, right? Josh Wolf had a show on Wednesday. Yeah, and Thursday. I had a call from John Fox You're going to Moscow. I don't baby on Saturday. I hit the big time If you think triple is big time triple small potatoes. Oh, yeah, yeah, Fox. I'm hitting the big time

This is the level in your mind. Oh, yeah, people now you like called David like you don't call Mr. Like Dave what the fuck you got for me you fucking punk ass bitch I was gonna at the underground now you want it bitch cuz he's I know I know I've met I've said I've been to his house I've been to his house. He's a sweet. He is a nice guy of a guy He knows what he knows what his gigs are. That's what I always loved about David. He there's no bullshitting He knows that he did I love to death. I shouldn't have said that. No, but no But it does throw you the first time all the first time shit. He comes up to you. I'm becoming us. How you doing? I'm David Tribble. You're like, oh, you're like, what the fuck?

He's a nice sweet guy, but you know what there's a lot of he toured he toured for years in a little band Yeah, he did all the same kind of bars and stuff for years. That's how he learned how to book those comedy ropes I give him a lot of credit. Hey, listen, it's how I learned to cut my teeth. It's how you Figure it out. You know, yeah, I gotta tell you something. Yeah, and I back to school zone. I wasn't feeling See that movie Matthew Broderick's No, no, the other the junkie the Iron Man Robert Downey junior Jesus Christ Robert Downey junior is the kid with the blue hair So young is the fucking body. He's danger filled son in that. No, no, no, no

He plays the best friend that danger feels. Okay. Okay, then your son is like the producer's nephew He would only give an 80 grand of his kid. He never saw me right, right, right. I never saw that guy Yeah, yeah, yeah, you could tell it was like the kid from karate kid was in it He was the really good-looking kid of that and I'm watching this movie My wife is in the room my daughter they leave what the fuck I'm sitting there watching this stupid movie Wait for the business scene the business school scene where he tells the teacher, where'd you where do we put our fantasies? Where do we put our? Fictional business and he goes how about fantasy land and you know, and then they I so watch the Kenison scene

Yeah, and Kenison right off the bat. He's like during the Vietnam I mean TV television was completely different man movies were completely goes during the Vietnam Does anybody want to explain the Vietnam conflict to me? He's like the girls like, you know, she's a sweet girl from the valley. She's like the Vietnamese conflict was a north side Yeah, and he goes that's a great answer, but no you're wrong It was it was we we should have pushed a bunch of fucking rice-eating patties like he just Yeah goes off and then Rodney goes whoa, whoa She's a kid. She doesn't even know I mean, I'm fucking howling right now. Yeah, and he goes, okay, mr. Helper

You want to talk to me about the Korean conflict and he fucking goes off again. He goes can I start a crime? Because I still remember being in the movie theater watching that being a 24 year old kid a loser Frustrated Watching him going. I have to be in the movie with him like I Don't know how but I have to do this like I did I wasn't thinking about stand up Stand up wasn't even a mic. Was I even thinking about it? When that movie come out the 86 or 90s 80 yet

Stand up wasn't I didn't even gone to prison yet. I haven't even gone to prison yet. Stand up wasn't even in my horizon But I kept looking at him in that movie 86. I went by myself I went to the first movie it Wow, it came out on a friday at 11 15. I was there 11 15 stone Chinese food in my stomach Ready to go like that was my ritual, you know saying I didn't give a fuck. I had a ritual I went by myself So I don't have to hear nobody's bullshit that you got there late the bus right? No, I'm prepared. I got a plan Serious about it. I'm serious. I know where I'm sitting like I know the whole fucking deal

And I still remember sitting in that movie theater like frustrated Like it took me back there for a second that the frustration I was feeling came out like tears ran down my face Like how frustrated I was at that time in my life But I just wanted to be in a fucking movie if like if I could just figure out How to get there right like from that seat how I could jump into that screen Yeah, fucking killed me And in 90 in 2003 I'm beating myself around the bush. I'm auditioning for a bunch of shit

and I got a call from A cast and director. They go, can you come in it? To 30 you're reading for the new Rodney movie and I'm like what wow And I get down to sunset. It's across the street from the strip club right up the block from the comedy store Okay, that's drip club there almost yen ago. No the other way Okay, up to the comedy store right on sunset across from right in there There's a building where they used to cast high level fucking movies. Wow She cast me in something before I went there for something big

Before and I saw like big guys that I was like, oh my god Yeah, what the fuck like I had been to auditions before but this was where they offered you water They validated your parking there were white people. These were white people. They had parking in the back Right when you went there you would have by yourself like for a pre read So I went in there and I signed my name And no shit. I hear Rodney's voice in that fucking audition. Wow And I'm like, oh no But when they opened the door

It was a comic from the store You know, he runs the comic he runs the laugh factory now in vegas I love him like a brother. I can't think of his fucking name right now Never worked the vagans was direct basal harry basal was directing the movie And harry had seen me at the store. Right. So when I walked in I saw harry rodney the cast and director And somebody else called alan stevens another old school comic that had gotten me on arless with fucking james co bird

Right. So yeah, yeah, so now i'm home. I'm like So everybody's like, how you doing joey d's? How you doing mr. Dangerfield? I don't say nothing about I love him I want to suck your dick. I don't even get to that point. I'm not one of those fucking suckasses I didn't bring it. I love your movie. I want to suck your dick. I want to do like a tough guy I even like I bought them like look at you. Yo, fuck And meanwhile I'm coming all over myself like I'm in the room. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god And I read for the row. I had fucking I knew it inside it out backwards I knew I got coached the whole thing

And at the end of the audition They go bro, that was a great fucking job. Thank you. We'll let you know rodney goes. No We cast that role already, but you know what? They're gonna call you i'm gonna find something for you I swear to god And a week later they called me I went down there and I go, what am I doing? They go, we don't know rodney Just said to call you that he wanted you So they kept calling me coco. Yeah rodney. Oh, yeah like that. He goes. I'm gonna call you jojo

So he gave me the name of jojo and he put me in this movie with christie alley Fucking the dude from vacation. I mean It was filled with names. I mean the movie is a dish out in your prime It was a beautiful the movie was a disaster But just being there he kept me there for fucking eight days It was the biggest paycheck I had ever seen in my life like I had never been on the screen Yeah, I've been on movies for one day Oh day and a half tops eight days eating with everybody

And it was him and they would I would you know at the end of when you shoot they give you a call sheet And they they give you a call sheet that tells you what time you come in the next day and what scenes you're doing They would give me a call sheet and I go i'm not on the call sheet and they go go ask rodney And I would have to walk to rodney's trailer and knock on the door And rodney would open the door with his fucking robot with his balls hanging out They go what and I go my working tomorrow. He's like, yeah, yeah, kid come back tomorrow. Are they you did a great job today close the door So I figured that out that it was It's so weird the journey in comedy. Yeah, like it took me from 1986 in my mind

Like in my mind from thinking it right like it made me cry and it made me emotional And I wanted to let people know that sometimes it's just making that mental note Yeah, like I wasn't invited to his funeral. I wasn't one of his close friends. I wasn't in one of one of his specials You know, I'm not gonna tell you that but he fucking pushed me into doing comedy in a way. Yeah, but andrew yeah It is amazing like what like when you have those little emotional I just started having those like uh recently where it's like when I started I didn't have like a guy I wanted to meet I just had an idea of what I wanted to do And it's like I always loved kind of independent musicians. I was more into music than comedy but guys like

Um Oh like a like a ben folds like a eliot smith like these kind of quirky singer songwriters Elliot smith was big as he was from the newt northwest and he moved down to LA at the end But it's like he would just do little rock clubs But he had diehard fans who came to see him and I'm like right at the very beginning I've never changed in my goal I'm like all I wanted was that if I could fill up a little room rock club Whatever people who just came to see me who like, you know, my sense of him whatever they wanted to be on my ride

And uh for the first time only a couple times but just just last weekend I was just doing this little club in minneapolis, but it was like it wasn't big act me. Yeah, no It's just a little sisyphus brewing. It's a little like an alt room that they have there just two nights It's only like a little 90 cedar, but it was sold out You know and it was like and I and I have this podcast now where people come They wear their t-shirts and I did a live podcast during the day And it was like it caught me off guard But it was like an afternoon show but it was like people wearing the hats and the t-shirts and and they did a little q&a afterwards

And I and and there were just some some ladies said thank you for doing this whatever like that And I almost cried like and I'm not an emotional person used outside But it just like hit me where I'm like fuck this is this is where the guy I liked elliot smith That's what that's what he was doing You know like that that's what I wanted to do when I started and here it is and it just feels You know you grind for so long You had somebody's at least I have so many self-doubt moments where I'm like oh it's never gonna fucking happen But whatever I'm gonna keep trying and then what actually happens and for me just on that little level

I was like holy shit man if I died right now I this this this no one can take this from me How are you doing comedy now as a whole it'll be 18 years this summer Yeah, yeah, you know I started in 2000. Yeah. Yeah grinding triple runs Doing uh, and I had a weird arc where I had Heat early on like four years then I got Montreal And then I got comedy central and I got a half hour and I got an hour like boom boom boom early But I wasn't ready. I mean and I don't regret this

I mean people liked it, but then I got a taste of the business where back in 2010 I had a Hour special air, but it didn't get the ratings they wanted and I kind of got thrown back to the wood pile And it about broke me I was just like oh fuck that was my whole plan I just my plan was like to get the hour and then I thought the business would just you know unfold in front of me And then I remember doing Grand Rapids, uh, which is actually one of my favorite clubs now But I was in Grand Rapids, Michigan

Dr. Grins great club love that club. It's one of my favorite rooms now. It's like I have a good but it's like I had this expectation once a special came out it'd be full And I remember doing it that like two weeks after that thing debuted And it was a half empty room still and I was like fuck man. Well, I don't know what to fucking do now Like and it's like and then I just kind of like had to kind of reinvent I just kept putting out, you know albums or whatever And then randomly randomly for me this new kind of media for me was just this podcast I started doing a year ago that like all the things I've tried all the stand-up things all the albums I did

Were fans like him But the thing that got the people to actually come to the shows was this little time suck podcast and it changed But it took, you know 18 18 years the completion of the christ. Yeah, it really is the completion of a circle You know when we tell these stories like I just saw Lee's face when you said 18 years I know you're probably like I hate to hear that. You're like fuck that. I get it. Yeah, that puts lee at 48, right? Right. Yeah pretty much. Yeah 47. Yeah. Oh, yeah, nobody wants to hear that start. I don't know It's one of the things that it's a real reality. You know, but I'm 55 right so

You really have to have a real like I asked you what possessed you Yeah, who the fuck is Dan Cummings like your father like mr. Right. Is mr. Cummings still alive? My dad. Yeah, he's still alive. Yeah, I don't mind. Oh, no. No. Yeah. Yeah, you know, wouldn't mr. Cummings go Can I ask you a question son? Right? I love you. I raised you. Yeah, your brother's a doctor Your sister's a lawyer. Are you a retard? Right? You just borrowed snow tires for me to go to where the 75 hours Are you an idiot? What's your mother's name? Charlene Charlene. Can you get in here? Please and help me talk to this fucking moron before I smack

Yeah Now he wants to do comedy if the brother just wanted a war because he's a doctor The sister's the lawyer of the year and he wants to be funny, man And and no no no a blizzard is coming. You do. You do know it's a fascination Like yeah, like a natural. We love it. Yep. That's it Like it's gonna be a blackout. That's fine. It's the eight hours. Gonna take me 16. I'm gonna leave in 20 We really believed in our head Like people will come in the room and go leave. Do you want me to smack the fuck out of you?

Like you're going where for where right? We got that passion, man. You got that drive, you know, it's really like you think back on it And you go what what the fuck made me think what mom with dad Cummings could Charlie and get in here What's my mom fucking moron? Can you book Charlie? This is your side of the family that fucking brother the place that you came in with at the night clubs I told you not to talk to him My mom was so worried because I was the first person in my extended family on either side from any generation

Going back to ever go to college like I come from a long line of just like laborers Essentially and so it's like there was all this kind of pressure because I did well in school But I didn't really care about it But I but it's like it was doctor lawyer because no one in my family has ever been something like that And so it was that or uh, and then so when I just after you know, I got a psych degree and then I just stopped It was just my mom was just like what the fuck Like you know like all of her hopes and dreams

She's just watching them being like thrown away and then you have moments too where it's like I did well in school and then kids who didn't do as well, but buddies of mine, whatever They're getting like corporate jobs now and I'm on a greyhound bus To to do 150 bucks to host an albert curkey that laughs for russ revas for the weekend And you know and sleeping on a fucking couch and and there's moments too. You're like, what the fuck am I doing? Where is russ revas? Hopefully dead Russ revas was the biggest asshole

I ever worked god that guy that guy was a legendary asshole Russ revas. There was a guy hippie man. John novus had at a colorado You may remember him out of the denver beautiful person very nice kind of hippie vibe and uh Nice guy nice guy. I saw russ do the meanest thing russ would belittle the comics that work for him I remember he picked me up I took like over 24 hours to get thrown a greyhound and he bitched at me about half and fucking He would talk this weird east coast, but california, dude

Dude, what kind of fucking mc thinks he's a fucking feature needs me to pick him up the fucking greyhound station You use fucking comics. He was fucking he shit on you all the time all the time. Yes He paid you with the gun And and john nova said had a lazy eye a wandering eye And and this is the kind of person russ was russ all of a sudden is talking to him He goes dude. What the fuck's wrong with your eye? It's all fucked up like a fucking lizard or some shit and john

John goes he looked like he was gonna cry and he goes Jesus russ He goes this is my fucking eye, man. Okay, so let me take you back July of 1991. Okay. No, I'm gonna take you back to march of 1991 I am a doorman and a comedy club And I am the dj Okay doorman slash dj slash dj. I got promoted because the dj denver This is denver witsend. Oh, yeah the worst club in the history of comedy And the worst neighborhood at that time in the world. I mean, it was just a dead bark fucking neighborhood

filled with dead white people Dead white people like dead like they couldn't they weren't good enough for denver and bolder didn't want them Nobody wanted them. So they lived in west mints. This is 30 years ago. There's only a mall there The mall was great because I was in the halfway house And it was I used to work on a hundred and fourth and thought and the mall had a fucking magic store That had those cigarette loads that you put into people's cigarettes So I would crack people with those if I hated you I would fill you a cigarette That was the only thing west wisdom was good for was that one magic store at the mall. That's it the magic store at the mall

So i'm the house Fucking dj you come to me. You tell me what time you want right music you want and then I got promoted to the bar back but while in that time I'm of the young comic named roger beerus who was a subaru salesman in colorado springs colorado Who was married to a beautiful blonde woman? He was still married to her. No, I think right now a different blonde woman He's back to him. Okay And she was very cute. He was very handsome Spanish kid

Little bit of potential, you know, I didn't know much a chrysma some stage presence. Yeah, he had some stage presence He drove a justy which was a three-cylinder subaru And we became friends and when I quit witson. In fact, he got me a couple gigs opening for him Okay You know this went on for about a year. I would take gigs from Todd Jordan I would take gigs from him rick currants. I had like five headliners. I'm growing me gigs and that was hustling So I was breaking even every move. Yeah So, you know, I moved to seattle. I moved to la

I'm in LA now. I'm at the store. I'm a regular at the store and i'm featuring an el paso. Okay And somebody says to me are you friends with russ brevis and I go fuck. Yeah Are you kidding me? I mean russ used to do gigs together And he goes call him up next time and do that week first And then come here And I go, that's genius. Yeah, and he was as a matter of fact. Here's his number. He knows you're here this week So I call russ up and I go russ show dears. He goes great to hear from me go russ I'm not looking for nothing for me. I'm working over now. El paso. He says next time I could tie it in

Can you give me a feature spot? He goes, you got to send me a tape. I go, are you fucking kidding me? Send you a tape. I've been friends with you for fucking at that time. It was 91 now, it's 98. I go, don't worry about it, brother. Thank you. And I hung up and then I just heard horror story It was the worst horror story upon horror story and it was ego based on Yeah, I'm a headliner in vegas like that. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That was his big claim Like you don't understand who the fuck I am. I'm a headliner at the mirage

The second thursday of the month. Okay, you'll never get that. Was your guy named david testrow? That was at a different time that guy. Yep. Yep. Yep. Let me tell you. Let me tell you. I'm a monica player Greg man. Nice dude. Nice dude. I saw russ dress him fucking down It was the one of this next to the eye comment one of the other saddest things I saw russ do It was the first time anyone had sold out or the club had been sold out. He used to rock dav testrow Listen, you hear from uncle joey dav testrow would break out that harmonica. Yeah, and would have that room Fucking kill it. He was a jolly fat guy that one night He was there that he was the headliner the night at the open mic when they flipped a beer cap at me

And I told the kid you flip another fucking beer cap at me We're gonna have a problem and he flipped a beer cap at me and I said fuck your mother the kid ran up to the stage And I hit him in the head with the microphone He was the headliner. He had a funny hilarious. So now two years later. I had done a thousand gigs with testrow Now five years later work with him in portland. Yeah, and he's like he comes up to me. He's like, hey You're not gonna hit nobody Microphone tonight. Nice this guy nice guy very funny, you know professional He happened he was there when like the

Russ had opened up some new location in albuquerque and it sold out that night And david all david did was just say that he was oh, this is cool, man. I'm happy to be here when it sold out Somehow in russ's fucking asshole mind He takes that as david is trying to tell him that he's the reason He sold out and he would do this thing. He would gather It wasn't enough for him to belittle somebody he would gather the wait staff to witness the belittling And he starts going he's like, dude, you what you fucking think you had something to do with this You fucking hack you fucking think get over. Hey, come here. Come here. He's like calling the wait stuff

This fucking beats or shit things. He's so this is before the show He was I was like He was a sociopath. Yeah My god, and I heard of his career. It's fucking tanked. I'm like, he's one of those. Oh, no He had no he had he owned the club right and then he went away and I got and then you know He booked in him favors because he owned yep It's all gone now when you own a club a club on go. Hey book my boy. Yeah, I'll give you a Christmas weekend here There's a lot of guys who made a career

Out of doing some kinky shit in the business. I don't want to say no no names But they've done kinky shit and that's how they made a business for you. That's their business, but Hope russ is opening up for david testro somewhere right now. I'll be there David's correct somewhere the p and russ the whole last chain Listen, oh scotty goff and in Tucson too Tucson That the club that was the best one Was he the santa fey last or it was no that one it was albuquerque the owner of albuquerque Before russ died in the motorcycle axe

My new year's day new year's eve a drunk driver hit him Yeah, that guy was supposed to be what was keeping laughs alive because he was booking the laughs club Yeah, and he was a great guy. Huh and they sold that one to him And then there was there was there was albuquerque Tucson, yeah And then there was another one and then it became the one in colorado springs I never worked that one. Maybe no, I worked it when it was jeff valdez

And judy brown was the book judy brown. That's right. She came out of colorado before she was marmel And she would try to fucking make you take a stand-up course for you to be to get on stage and do the open mic 35 bucks Don't fucking tell me my business What did you do you ever work to try cities? Oh, yeah, oh my god, I got the you're gonna love this story What's the name of the place? Well now it's a bowling alley called atomic Uh, there used to be a used to be a red there used to be a red lion or no a double tree or it was both It was a double tree and it was a red lion and the name of the room was the volcano room Is that what the bar was? It was the bar in the hotel. Let me tell you something

Oh, I got a story. You're gonna love that when you looked at when you looked at the clubs in washington state It said the underground giggles in the I and I'll never forget the first time somebody said call this lady if you want to work the volcano room I expected this fucking grandeur right right And it was just a hotel with god awful fucking food It was like that room that they book not in nyak. There's a room they book in one of those other new york city towns

That you go up there. That's just a gas station the whole weekend You're in the basement. It's cold even with the heat on you're freezing in the winter They only do the club in the winter time. Yeah, because everybody goes to it and you're next to a hotel Friday and saturday. Yeah, just a two night. Yeah, and you got to take a bus up there to the cab a $30 cab ride to this gig And they would pay you 500 bucks for the weekend And they would only book me in january. I would have to fly back from here Wow go to new york and then take a bus up there and then

And the whole hope you break even the fuck was the club bananas Bananas was I remember there was a man in jersey. Yeah, which is now it's it's they say they got new owners Yeah, yeah, yeah now the guys helium took it over helium took it over. So that'd be interesting But that tri-cities one that was the first road gig I ever did outside of spokane It was the first page Who booked it then When when I did it it was a guy named nick Tyson and key stubs

Nick Tyson out of spokane key stubs out of uh, you know, it's part of that little short-lived laughs chain. They had up there But uh, you know it switched it was like triple before that. I think what's a triple afterwards chris warren I think had it it would like juggle around chris But wherever is chris warren. He's I don't know his mom went to prison for something He had some crazy family business. His his mom was like british She would have a british accent and then she went to embezzling or something we heard And chris owed a bunch of people money. He got real ugly with chris before he left spokane It was all it's nice. He had a he had a his headshot was him with machine guns with two bitches

He was crazy. He was a little nuts. He was crazy hit his karate trophies, but yeah but I brian Kellan was another he's the guy who's in denver now, but he he was doing he was the headliner. I was the I'll never forget this said either. I was the feature. I do 30 minutes cold I went up and I did 30 minutes to absolute silence. I didn't get a laugh now one laugh In 30 minutes and I was just like sweat going down in your back Where you just feel it in your ass crack and you just did a flop sweat and I just like but I left stage thinking like Ah, well, whatever. It's a small crowd. Yeah, you know, there's there's the shit, you know, they suck

It's it was the crowd brian kellen goes up and murders for an hour Like he brought a life out of these people that I didn't think was even remotely possible And I was too dumb at that time to know that when you have a horrible set just fucking get out of there Go hide like leave But I thought etiquette was you stood by the door And you thank people for like watching the show So I'm standing next to brian after this train wreck and I'll never forget this this one dude comes up

I'm not making this story. He goes to brian. He goes. Oh man. He's like this red-necked guy. He's like, oh man He goes you were funny. He's like, man, I'd love to get you a beer. Holy shit. You were funny, man And then he sees me standing next to him and he goes and you Do Oh, you should do what he does That's literally what he said to me. You should do what he does and he doesn't even think he's being me Oh, I just died inside. What he told me that Those those little runs up there you realize

That fucking potato run when you do uh The air force base and they show you mountain home Your room is a fucking barrack I never actually did mountain home. I know mountain home, but I never did that room it's a room the size of That door right there. That's what you have that couch You hang your clothes up to have a little tiny tv And your shower was down the fucking hallway. You're like, Jesus christ

What a fuck is my life going? I'm in an air force base I mean, it was just and they give you food coupons. Yeah I mean, they just put you through so many different scenarios. Yeah, but if you look back at it, it prepares you For this oh for sure for sure. There's nothing they can phase you there's so many scenarios that you get fucked with Yep, that it prepares you for this shit later on like yeah, this can just get off your shoulders. Oh, yeah It's weird. I bumped into slash once in 1998 In vegas. I was opening up for rogan at the riviera the g&r guitarist slash like these

Wow, man. He was there for a comic. I don't know who other slash would be I guess Yeah, he was like there for like a comic book festival or something. Wow Like he you know, they paid him to shoot. Oh, I see. I said, you know, I wasn't touring. It was 98 Yeah, and I did and in those days I used to see him a lot around town at different comedy shows He would come to the one that we did Next to the room j davis had way before You know the other night we met that kid john adams. Mm-hmm. I'm known john adams is 1998. I met him in that room I'm talking about

John adams was my manager my manager took him with him when he was at his original agency And john adams was a tv guy. You know, you just don't recognize him. He was on tv for 12 years He was on like two syndicated shows because jeff katlin was one of the best managers in the business jeff katlin hated the road jeff katlin knew that if he had you it's for tv and film to get you on a tv show for six years That was his fucking goal. He When you talk to jeff about the road, he got anyone to hear about Yeah, I didn't want to hear about you can do spots at the store and he's in town

And that's what he did. He made that kid one of his examples But I met that kid at the union It was called the union And I saw a slash there like a couple times. Yeah, that's when you'd see vince falling out at night Had opened mics when I met I met You know, that's when the swingers was hot and you're like, what the fuck? And uh, I saw him in vegas and I never forget this I I couldn't sleep, you know in last vegas. I I didn't really have weed rogan didn't smoke weed

So I got up and went for a walk. I didn't have money to gamble and I barely had money to be there I would eat in the employee cafeteria. Lee He likes all that isn't it the leftover from the buffets on the oh, yeah with bite marks on the turkey legs and shit You like buffet. Remember when you used to go to the leftovers You're gonna love buffets when you work. Vegas is an opener boy When they give you that card to the employee fucking dining room And you see cake you see cake with missing icing because somebody has scrubbed their finger through that You know what I'm saying? That's always a real treat, ain't it? That's always a boost for your comedy career

When you just they give you the old red meat that mafia meat But you're so fucking hungry And it's free. You don't give a fuck what you're putting into your body And that stuff keeps you hungry so much later because you don't want to go back there too. I think it motivates you Now it would be fun if I could find two guys you didn't need it It'd be fun if you didn't need it Right if you do it if you did it for for fucking around two weeks in the car. Yeah, good weather Stan hope would do that sometimes you have to do that. Yeah, it would it's like we go to the fourth wall a lot

I go to an open mic up to morning and no booze Five minutes five dollars. Yeah, but you it takes you just reminds you. Yeah, what you see That you have what these guys want right and how lucky you are I know that you stuck with it and these guys have no idea Yeah, what they're about to walk into every time I go to an open mic there I count the room And in my mind I do the math automatically Out of the eight people four of them are gonna quit right two of them are gonna go to

Montreal and two of them are really gonna be big time stars Who is it gonna be out of the eight? Yeah? Yeah Who is it gonna be? That's why I love we were talking about the show right people like Kishi. I love listen Yeah, it feels good when somebody comes up to you after a show And they they say hey man, you had a great show that feels fucking great. Yeah, and it feels great when Somebody comes up to you and talks to you about the podcast. Yeah, that's a great feeling

But you know what feels even better There's two things when somebody comes up to you and says hey man I saw you In Seattle Oh, yeah, and I knew that you were gonna be Yeah, I get those once a year. Yeah. Yeah at the comedy store. I'll get that at a club or somebody will be inside and go You remember that club with the parrot in the background and fucking Washington that you guys used to do on wednesday night I was the manager there and you used to make me laugh back then. Yeah, you know

That's one thing I liked when people say but the second thing I like when people say is This year I went to see Jim gaffigan Rogan Right, right. I want to see Dan Cummings. I want to see Burke Reischer. Right. I went to see fucking Kate Quigley I went to see fucking Sarah Silverman. I love when people say that Yeah, I really get off when people say that because I know you were student of the game Yep, yeah, we got on stage for the first couple times I'm not telling you Lee's gonna be Richard Pryor, but he was a lot better than I was when I got on stage the first couple times

Why because The last ten years right he's been a student now that he's 30. So for the last 15 years He's been watching comedy right and listening to comedy An average of Lee five hours a week since you've been 15 probably. Uh, yeah, I always always have watched specials listen to CDs That's how it starts That's how it starts So I never did that. I never did that I was a fan of fucking prior like bison tenio nigger

Yeah, I know that out now. You know, I was there when now I got like I remember still going to the store and getting bison tenio nigger Right, right. Oh, Jesus. That's the one with him. It's like the american flag kind of in the background right with the shirt off and stuff Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm like going what the fuck is this? And then you know seeing david brenner on tv. There was no internet. You had an encyclopedia You know what I'm saying? And then like somebody when I was about Maybe 20 turned me on to lennie bruce. Oh, wow. And I was like this is crazy. And then when I was 15 somebody turned me on to let him in and the hard thing was he always knew what night comics were gonna be on So no matter what I did on those. I think it was like wednesdays or thursdays or tuesdays

No matter what I did those nights. I didn't get high Right, I would always have a cocktail or two and slip by his house 11 30 And he would bring down leftovers his mom would make and we would watch let him in and we would doubt when let him in was fucking 82 yeah, yeah, yeah, let him in was a fucking bad motherfucker back then and that spiked my interest In comedy lennie bruce carlin a little bit. Yeah, he's my favorite but not as much as prior because I I liked that crazy raw motion and everything. Yeah. Yeah that shit My mind was I never my was saturday night live. We didn't have many sounds like so uh hokey

But like in riggan's where I grew up this little tiny Idaho town We didn't have cable and things for a while like we didn't have very many channels So you get like network channels like like the big three nbc cbs a bc But for a lot of places a house like like you weren't able to get like they literally didn't have cable I didn't run it to that town And so nbc saturday night live that was my comedy exposure for the week was watching saturday night And I would watch it with my grandma Because for most of my childhood was my my mom my dad was up in alaska and it was like and I was my mom was working

Do that uh well my parents divorced when I was young he did he went up in construction and stuff up there in different things and uh But like I would just go to my grandma beddies and we'd watch saturday night live every saturday But then you know as I got older you grew up in a little town like that You don't know anybody I didn't know anybody who had a white collar job Let alone an entertainment job. No, no So it seemed so beyond fantasy That I just went to college and like tried to get like a quote unquote tradition

Just some kind of degree just getting a degree was the goal And then I did sketch comedy But I just never thought of it again never entertained any of that as a job possibility Like who the fuck am I it's like he's doing and then uh I just stand up was what was available when I was just trying stuff. I didn't like my social Social work kind of career that was I was trying to get into and I just went and tried different things But I'm but I'm lucky I feel like I was lucky I didn't study comedy because I think I would have been intimidated

Like because I I'd watched sketch and I so I you know had some Idea of like what you could do I guess comedically in some way on a stage, you know in some form But I didn't I hadn't really watched much stand-up and so uh, I think it was easier in a way where I think I would have been worried. I don't know if you ever worry about this leave But if you like when you watch all the greats Is there an expectation of you're gonna try and be great immediately because I because I didn't have that I just like Okay, let's just go go fuck around on stage. I wasn't thinking like

about you know Prior and carlin and then the modern, you know greats and stuff like that because I didn't know their stuff Well, I mean, I think it helped me back a little bit because I I've had people asking me I've been working with joy for six years seven years I've people have always asked and I had a couple people say I should try it out And I always say I'm not that kind of funny like I like I would see all these amazing I don't I watch every special so I see all these great because you're seeing them with their prime You're not seeing them start, right? It's yeah, it's very different. Yeah. Yeah

Do you but you now you get though that all those guys Fucking sucked when they first started like everyone goes through a shitty periods. Yeah I still think it really hasn't hit me how much How much time it's gonna take to be honest like like even still in my head. I'm like, uh, maybe five years But like it's just you might though. Yeah, every already path is different. You might you know, but it but accelerate faster but it's uh I don't know if I want to necessarily like I'm really enjoying like I've been going to one I've been going to the fourth wall and I'm just now starting to do shows in other places

Like the good thing about comedy and lia's that I know one thing about late that This my comedy always opens up your horizons Once you do comedy and you jump off that clip Now you're a different person You really are a different person so If you're looking at me asking me, do I think lii's gonna be up there richer prior and not Yeah, I don't think so. I think lii is gonna shine Yeah, he's gonna take stand up and after a year or two

He's gonna take it in a different direction. He's gonna see something That's what I see. I think his he's he's got woody allen type right right comedy without the fucking door, you know, daughter Let me give some shout outs real quick here To my man kevin harvick superfan Alex Ramirez is okay. Louie the kid always Manny coders damien hanendez keejin hapa hyro miskin right back

Mike right Mike right back. You know, I love you. I can't see what might out my regular And the church leader mr. Scott cunningham always running shit over there online letting bitches know what time it is But no, that was uh I I People have to see If you're in a rush with anything. All right It's not just stand up

I love I love I love watching Uh fly by night people In my 27 years ago I've seen so many fly by night people right and what people don't understand today is I've seen so many I've been exposed to so many fly by night people That you know The the symptoms right, you know the opening lines. You know the symptoms You know, we get approached three times a week for something

I got approached 20 times a week for something And I know the wording. I know the the you know it already. You smell. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you've been here and you It's weird that sometimes I fuck with them and I let them play that game I let them think yeah, no worries They don't even know how to handle it because they didn't prepare for that They were prepared for getting shut down. I threw that game completely to fuck off. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah We've seen I've seen so many shysters like Lee told me that he was thinking about going to

work for a service that they Offered the they they put the they bought the content from the stand up and they put on the site and people click You know, I've heard right in 20 and in 20 years in LA we've heard Every scam right right you young comics that think You're wording. I smell if you don't have the dedication. Yeah, just talked about where mr. Cummings here I could smell it on you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I smell it on people. Yep. It's like I beat you. I beat you I let you think that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right. I know who's doing that homework

Right because you did the homework. Yeah, so you know when the homework has been done, right right 18 years is fucking You know, it's in your blood at that point. I've been doing comedy 27 years. So 18 years for me was 91 So it was 2001 And then plus eight is what no 2009 That's when I started coming into my own Yeah, 18 years was where I started taking a gamble on storytelling. I had done it before Yeah, but I wasn't sure about it

Then Ari Shafi opened up the door a little bit. Yeah And yeah, I listened to a showtime special that Whitney Cummings had done not Whitney Quinn Cummings had produced Where she introduced a bunch of comics. Okay, and one night I went into my bathroom I was taking a shit, but I left the volume up. Yeah, and I heard this comic without watching him I heard his material right and by hearing his material I realized how bad I was Because he was just doing one liners And they're funny and they take you to a certain distance in comedy, right? But after a certain point Those one liners you'll end up in triple runs the rest of your life

Yeah, there's very few like the the headberg type and stuff like that because you know Shafir changed me too, man One of those first um storytelling shows before long before it was a TV show at the lab With eddie peppatones and the people it was a revenge theme and that one Show changed my comedy trajectory because my first two albums are more joke based And then I did this story about fuck about fucking with these dishwashers in college Like just doing this ridiculous prank that I would I would do these crazy But this went on for like like four months this crazy prank. It was a fucking horrible how far I push these people But I and I did the revenge story was I'm like my theme was

Based on the story was I'm like I this guy should fucking get me like I'm the one who deserves to have revenge Like I fucked with a stranger Horrifically for like almost happy But then I started telling that on the road afterwards and I liked it so much more than the rest of my material Because it was just this real shit that was interesting naturally It changes you it changed all the future albums that changed my whole career completely because the first time My story told on stage was at the belly room I caught mitzi on a night of weakness like oh mitzi

Can I do stories from a cuban street? Wow? I had a show called stories from a cuban. Yeah It had to be 1998. I was in the comedy in seven years. Yeah And I was basically doing low-liners like rodney and trying to be cute up on stage with dirty jokes And I took that upstairs And it changed my fucking life forever. Yeah, because I stayed on stage for two hours Just telling stories about my childhood. Right. It was the first time I saw people's jaw drops It's riveting a real story. It's riveting. I saw people laugh. I saw people cry. Yeah It was fucking amazing. I went out and got really high that night because I had taken myself

To a complete different level. I had forced my hand Like this was way out of who the fuck I was like if I was only supposed to fight I was only prepared for three rounds of fighting. Right. I fought seven rounds of fighting and unprepared Which really takes ganas which mentally takes you somewhere else. Yeah, which uh And I still wouldn't story I still was fucking petrified. Right because it is scary. It's a fucking scary feeling at first when you talk about like I just did I did some little oh to get people to kind of join this little part of the podcast I have I did like a an album that you got when you signed up for this like bonus content kind of premium thing

But it was like I did two albums. I recorded one weekend It like I did one album friday night one album saturday night just recorded two different sets And I didn't even realize how long it was but I can't imagine at the beginning this one bit I have it's 15 minutes long and it's just one story which for me like in the beginning There's no fucking way because what I liked about short jokes early on was it's it's a confidence thing It got you there to the point and if you got a laugh and you got out of the woods quickly Yep, and if it doesn't work, you're on your next job in 30 seconds

When you do a story this 15 fucking minutes long and you set it up and you know the payoff doesn't come the real And you take a fall for 15 minutes You can't bail and that commitment freaks people to fuck out when they're starting because they're like well Shit, what if they don't what if they don't like it? And it's like but you have you just have to reach this point where you're almost so broken in a way that you don't Give a fuck what they like You're just willing to push what you like on them And you and you have to be okay with it not working and just and that's and that's fine

And ironically that makes it work so much better, you know my first two years of comedy all I did was race to the light Yeah, yeah, that's what I played race to the light and you walk off of whoo I would not shut up until the fucking light turned and then I'd run out of there like a fucking felon being chased Fucking by 20 cops It was the club owners would go god, you gotta slow down right Because it was just I just wanted to get a laugh Yeah, I wanted to quickly get a laugh and if you keep talking you can't hear the silence Petrified of silence is beginning right and the bombings like yeah the early bombings like I took a bombing got a fucking private function

I some guy saw me at the new york comedy club and he's like, what are you charged? Is it 1500 right he goes come to this edges on saturday night? I went up there. There's no microphone Yeah, I was not prepared right whatsoever. I was doing comedy two years. Yeah today I would have crushed that right from the top of a rock I would have got up there and done my material yelling and I would have banged them out for fucking 10 g Yeah, yeah, like a savage I would have had them the bikini tops. So I would have been crazy the old man I would have had him because I did not know how to control an audience from 30 feet away without a microphone, right?

If I was in between a pool and them And they were all drinking champagne and I'm sitting there with no microphone You forget we don't prepare you for this dribble experience But you know without that it is interesting though the journey of it where it's like I've gotten into that now It's like without all those lessons and stuff like it's funny what brings you Somebody just asked me when I did that little live podcast last week They did little questions and somebody was like What made you think of time suck? What made you want to do this?

And I just in a moment of like just we'll just be honest whatever I go failure I go years and years of failure is what created time suck You know and it's just because you learn but then you learn from all those fail and had I not had all those failures I wouldn't be able to pull off You know like I do like a times like it's like an hour and a half with no with no guests There's no way I could have done that and kept it interesting Without without so many years of fucking up and making horrible decisions about learning and learning and learning and learning And then it's uh, yeah. Yeah, it is. You know what this doesn't just pertain to calmly

Oh, yeah, I guess yeah, it's like any art that you fucking choose like yeah, you know, I see I've not repeated this a thousand times. I hate that they make you make a pick a major when you're 18. That's not fair You don't know what the fuck you want to do. You just hear what the you stupid fucking friends say at Starbucks Right, right repeat what the fuck they say. Yeah three years in And what are you gonna go tell your father the bad news that you want to be a chef and fucking benny on it You're gonna go fucking play the drums. Hey, you know, it's a horror show, right? It's killed more people in anything because making bad choices. Yeah, that's all apart Of this fucking journey right to get good at something you got to do

You got to make bad fucking choices. Yeah, and you know what really hurts when they hurt your pocket Oh, yeah, that's when you really learn a lesson. It's not when you know Well, my girlfriend left me because I don't play the flute. That's something Wait till your girlfriend left you and they stole 22 g's. You're out of bed. That's two different fucking lessons You know I'm saying. Oh, yeah, I mean that's motivation. Especially like well, I got two kids and stuff now But when you know, I remember like uh, I live back in Idaho. I live back in Idaho. Yeah. Oh, yeah Yeah, man drama you do your podcast tonight. Oh, yep. Yep and a fucking back room of a mansion that you bought for 125 thousand dollars You got a pool. You got a fucking doorman. They

You got a mexican named Paco with a shirt that says I love america on He mows the lawn. You look like a fucking king. I mean, I mean, we yeah, we live good up there and stuff now But it's like but it is crazy like they talk about the financial motivation You know and like when you had those moments, I mean Count I remember reading this book early on is uh, david mammoth some playwright Um, sure theater people are like, oh, it's fucking david mammoth. How do you know? But he wrote some book about uh, truth and lies something it was for actors But one of the main piece of advice I took from that he goes

The paraphrasing don't give yourself an out don't give yourself a backup plan because if you do you'll take it Because this business is so fucking rough and I thought about that like I remember thinking like, uh, you know If I would have had an out, you know Six years ago I had things where it was just a low point and touring and stuff Two kids You know like uh money in the bank was almost gone Calendar was looking fucking dead interrupt you. Yeah, I want you to close your eyes and honestly tell me

I'll give you one minute Give me a number of how many comics could have been stars that you personally know If they would have given up their day job How many people would have been stars if they would have given up the day job? Yeah, I know three of them right now that if they would have taken a chance and really believed And who the fuck they were they would have been on tv right now in some sort of way I'm not saying they would have been a star I know three people right now who are that funny. Yeah who continue to have it and it's

the biggest fear That you could have is that safety man There's there's one name that keeps dominating. I mean I don't want to say but no But yeah, he had a financial advisor job. How many numbers how many people do you know that you feel in your heart? If they gave up their day job would be Making a living today in los angeles

I could name Just based on talent just based on three talent that I fucking respect right that I would go fuck I wish I had that specific gift I wish I could write like that. I wish I had that eye for Yeah, I got two of my head two of my head. Yeah, like uh, yeah I know them personally and I want to punch them right in the fucking mouth But right they always thought that that They always thought that insurance

Yeah Was the key to that and they yep, you don't understand that if you don't cut that out of your life that oh, yeah And biblical cord. Oh man. It's not to motivate you like fear for me at least nothing motivates me like fear when I'm like, how the fuck Yeah, you do your best work. Am I gonna help these kids? Yeah If I put you in the corner and I put a knife to your throat, right, you're gonna do your best work Oh, yeah, you're you're gonna be fucking focused. Yeah, that's when you become a jew. You know crowd my god You're fucking, you know, you're doing elbows your cousins were cheeky over here throwing side kicks to the fucking neck Yeah, yeah, you know your best work right when you're sitting there smoking cigarettes and somebody's rubbing your feet

Yeah, you do your best work when yeah, we don't really do your best work Well, you don't want to hear joey Diaz or your father or your mother or key. She'll right say I told you so right Oh, that's what that's the one that makes my dick hard for sure. That's the one. Okay. Yep. I don't even say a word I don't even reply to you. I don't even reply to you I just make a mental note and I keep it in my mind. Yeah, it's the weirdest fucking thing and it happened You keep mentioning the podcast. Yeah happened with this it happened with the original podcast and now it leads It's happened where 10 years ago the people that are talking to me. Yeah wouldn't

Even let me In their room, right, right, right. They would ask rogan. Why would they bring me and arie? I'm right. We were discussing animals now and now look at the two of you Square business. Yeah, and I remember hearing all those negative comments now. I could be Again, you know the other guy got into some beef with a woman online And then she revealed that she had been raped twice and and I and I go listen. I understand the anger in your heart But until you lose that anger in your heart, you never move forward in this life I was angry at the world too late. God took my mother. I thought there was no more gone

I had that chip on my shoulder for 20 years. I didn't even feel funny Till I lost that anger. Wow so many factors that we put in our lives Anger every fear. Yeah That once you go away from that shit, you just go, you know what done. I'm going to sleep. I'm going to fucking sleep It's over. You're not going to fuck with me no more because that's what keeps you up at night When you're tossing you're turning and you're going up and you're smoking cigarettes. Yeah, what am I going to do? How am I going to pay the rent? You're speaking to me right now. No. Oh, no. No, it's horrible I'm getting some more horrible when you fuck. Yeah first take that chance off the cliff

Yep, you're like, I'm going but but and 18 years in I still fight it. I still I'm getting I love it I'm getting some more. Oh some like a new ink or whatever like that in a few weeks And I've been wanting this tattoo forever and fear is your only god. It's raging against machine lurk But I'm having like that big with some imagery and stuff put on one of my arms because I'm like I have to still fight that to this day To take new chances and it's like I'll feel that like no people aren't gonna like no I can't like I I'll still fight kind of betting on myself, you know like that just because But but then I always you know in the end. I'll take that chance

But it's like yeah, man. Yeah, you have to get out of your own way It's so fucking hard in this business sometimes because you have to yeah Yeah, and life and life in general life in general another business. I guess yeah, you got to come on I know that you requested to come on a few times. I already have guests and shit And we were funky with wednesdays, but I'm happy I got to get I'm so thankful. Yeah, you had me on Like I want people to know you're in brand this weekend. Yeah close to home. Yep. You're not doing anything swing by brand That's a great fucking club. Yeah, uh, I think he's got shows thursday friday saturday two shows sunday Oh, just one show sunday, but but uh, yeah show sunday go see him and the podcast is there

It's time suck and it's just uh, where can they find it? They can find it. Uh, there's an app There's a time suck app, but it's on you know itunes google play all that and it's just one subject each week One really explore one a week serial killer historical figure It's all the same kind of research you would get in an academic podcast But it's more like every person language. It's like, you know, I'm gonna fair amount of profanity I'm gonna throw in some jokes and try to make it fucking interesting for someone who might fall asleep during a normal lecture That's how I am That's it. And that's that when you got planned this weekend that time you got some gigs

Yeah, I'm supposed to you're going up against my man up in santa barbra People got to make a decision now. Do we go see fucking sat fucking my man dan Cummings? Or do we go see lisa yad and santa barbra? Hit us both hit us both hit us both. Absolutely. I go see dan I'm gonna be uh, the velvet jones with uh, sam trippley mike catherwood and mike tolly And then I think tomorrow night depending on what happens Uh, there's a chance I might be on the queen mary on long beach with diagostino zorda and steve simone Look at you know, you're going you're going. I love you're good. Okay. You're good. You got clearance. Everything's good

I'm happy you got to come on here. Thanks for having me like I said nyak is sold out Now you got april fucking fourth And fifth at santa fe casino in albuquerque And don't forget for fucking 20 in columbus, ohio With kib krigley on the fucking drums. Who's better than you bitches? Uh, thank you for the love and support all week. You know, I love you cocksuckers with all my heart I want to thank dan Cummings. I want to thank my main man lisa yad and I also want to thank me undies. Listen Let me tell you something everybody always complains. I can't find a date. I can't look you want to look good

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By going to blue apel.com slash joey blue apel A better way to cook. I want to thank my man dan the fucking truck comings I want to thank my little flying joe over there the original christ killer lisa I want to thank my girl kishi for coming and visiting us And welcome in with our fucking beauty. I got to take the malook offer And fucking that's it. I love you cocksuckers. Don't forget I'll see you cocksuckers in nyak or

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