Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #567 - Steve Simeone

Episode Date: March 16, 2018

Steve Simeone, a comedian and writer, seen on Comedy Central's "This Is Not Happening" and heard as the host of the "Good Times With: Steve Simeone" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded on 03/15/2018.  

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And you throw a little bit of that hemp fourth of our force Osse protein in it and you blend that up your dick gets hard for fucking three weeks. You understand me You want to keep walking around with soft dick or you want your dick to be fucking pink? Like it's ready to stab a mother fuck in the lung. You understand me You gotta go on it.com And press in church boom when you're 10% off to live it straight to your fucking casa I also want to give a shout out to the greenhouse juice house. I'll languish them across on the lemley theta Those motherfuckers are growing heat in there. Do you understand me when i'm telling you heat?

I even had kale for the fucking first time in there the other day because they don't put the stems in it They just put the leaves a little pineapple juice a little coat. They call it kale kalata. Are you fucking nuts or what again? Pineapple juice relieves the fucking soreness in your muscles after you jump up and down all day with a bunch of fucking savages So i want to give a shout out to the greenhouse lee kick that fucking mule Here we go We had a little fuck up yesterday So we got to get wheeler walker back on fucking lee fucked up the podcast, but it's not his fault. It's my fault

I got him too high. I even got too high I got lost on my daughter's ballet. I even made it late the pizza But it's a church of what's happening now. I never let you down I always show up with something and today I got the best The best in my world mr. Steve Simone the jew killer The christ killer right next to him This is like a meeting of the minds on a fucking thursday, you understand me?

If you 18 hang up now Here we go kick that motherfucker mule Time for a bonk at motherfucker's it's thursday kick the kick out the jams people Is I'll take you to hell. Are you fucking Saying you to heaven I What are you fucking nuts or what

Fire fuego in spanish for some of you Spanish people. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Listen my apologies Listen, we uh try to change the show up. So for a few last few weeks You know the stars are dead to done. So we've been laying back on the edibles just for personal reason dieting reasons and whatnot Yesterday, I got a little froggy. I was overwhelmed on monday And sunday and uh, I just needed to blow off some steam, but I went a little deeper and deeper yesterday I mean guys I've been doing this podcast for six years

And I've had some fucking heavy moments here. I know lia's seen the devil and We were fucked up yesterday I mean I don't know what happened. I I didn't even go to ballet I showed up for pizza lace I ate one slice of pizza without even talking to no I just walked in and put it in your mouth. I just put it in my mouth I went home after that. I was fucked up. I really wanted to go out to the fourth warm door spot

I was so fucked up. I went to bed as god knows what time I think I was crawling in bed It was 10 to 10 and I slept straight till five. Oh, that's great. Like I was just fucking high So my apologies will bring a wheeler walker back But today don't worry about nothing. I got my man steve saloon here In house one of the fucking top comics working across the country today fucking Philly fucking raised And one of my emotional supporters. What's happening? I love you joey. Thanks for having me. So you saw dice at the mall yesterday Yeah, it was and I was with a buddy of mine from high school

And he couldn't like well, this was it's how funny Andrew is I see him walking through Macy's with his bags and I go Andrew and he just looks at me. He goes, excuse me Like you didn't even know me Like everything's a goof to him And then my friend's like didn't know what was going on and then Andrew made it uncomfortable And then just started laughing. He was like He goes what I really wanted to do is just pretend Like I didn't know you and just leave and then have you thinking for the next three hours

Was that Andrew? He was somebody to look just like he is a professional Torture check. Yeah, he's To this day, you know, we can't sleep at night Mike rickard Like he just destroyed Mike rickard. Like he just destroyed Mike rickard And Mike rickard would try to tell me stories about how he would go on the road with Andrew And they'd be walking into a castle until like a town Yeah And a guy would come up to him and go Andrew dice clay. Oh my god. I love you and he's like you want to go to the show tonight

And the guy's like, yeah, I really wanted to go to show and that's when it was him the karate guy Yeah, remember that's when it was a karate guy me happy face happy face me you Pepsi what was his name the soda club soda Kenny? I never met club soda Kenny I know he's security for he did security for Andrew. Yeah the karate guy Me you and whoever was opening for him now. I never saw him do this me and steve experienced something different with Andrew We rickard said that they would bump into somebody and the guy would go. Oh my god It's Andrew dice clay and it would be six guys with Andrew Yeah, and Andrew would talk to the people and where you from long island. Oh my god. I'm from long island

Let's talk and they were doing brooklyn or whatever. Yeah, and then they were you know what I'm staying at the four seasons Call room 608 At seven o'clock and we'll get your tickets. Okay, right now. We don't have a pen on us At the phone we ring at seven o'clock on the dot and somebody would answer. Hello. Who's this? Hi, this is Steve Simone I met Andrew. So who Steve who Steve fucking who I don't know that Andrew You know Steve Simone. No, I don't know. No. Hey, listen He says you don't know who you are, but he let you talk

Ah, and you'd be going. Yeah, we met earlier and I'm from stat stat 9. Remember we talked earlier He's like, hold on. Hold on. Then they get somebody else on the phone And they might start on him like what what who's this Steve Simone? Remember you guys met us from the woman lawyer Steve. Let me ask you a question Would you give tickets to somebody you just met and and it would just be fucking 10 minutes with him Then they would pass him to ricka Uh, and ricka would have to torture him for 20 minutes Then they would pass him to somebody else for 10 minutes and then they would finally give him to Andrew

Where Andrew would go go fuck yourself and hang up on the poor guy. Oh I couldn't do that to a person. Yeah. Yeah, it was just hysterical and then the phone And then the phone would ring and it was Andrew going pick up the tickets in the front Like, you know like shit like that like that's what they got You remember going to the restaurant that time with Andrew. He tore met. We did a show He would torture every Bobby Lee and Jim Norton or it was me you and Jim Norton. This has to go 98. This has to be 2000 Okay, 2001 probably is when I first started to

So we went and he took us to a diner and he ordered some and he would send it back Constantly it's got too much lettuce It's got too little lettuce I don't like the toast not the toast is cold But you went back and forth not a toast is cold. Can you remake me a sandwich? And they remake the sandwich and he's starting on something else. You know what I I don't want a sandwich anymore Let me get a bowl soup That's what he does to torment. That's what he does for fun. That's what he does for fun

So there's some and he he fucking howls about it to some people it sounds dickish But at the end there's a payoff. He always Turns it around and he'll let you know it's a joke. Yeah, and he gets the people laugh at an event They're like, okay, we had some laughs like he did this once he was he had bought a house in vegas And he needed to buy everything for the house everything. So I'm with him for two weeks We're going to like Macy's home. He robbed that place blind Every store in the mall and now he's got beds. We have to buy beds. He bought four beds And he's hammered like for fun. He would negotiate prices. He gets salespeople frustrated ripping up books

he would Okay, with the beds he defiling the owner of the store is just like what what Fine just leave I'll take whatever you want, right? So he gets the four beds Was he doing it for material or is he just doing it for this for fun? That's like his version of a video game is playing with people. He does not he just tortures people And everything is a mind thing. Yes, and it's very smart. That's how he became Who he is yeah his mind how he did things

He told me an interesting story once about booking crime story How this is way before social media. He was really big on the east coast And he went from boston to miami He was already selling out. He was starting to do the hickory dickory doc. Your mother sucked my cock all this shit And he got a call One day And he goes I gotta go down there and do a fucking audition. This is when the comedy store was the comedy store Kenison was still alive. You know everybody's having a good time. Yeah

And he said that he went in there till he saw this show like into it At that time to a guy like me in that position when I heard the story I thought it was just insane He said he goes I was doing good as a comic He goes I knew the role was for me. So I went in there and I fucked with him I go what do you mean you're fucked on me because I read everything backwards I go so wait a second. You went to read for michael man For a fucking tv show and you read everything backwards. And he goes yeah

But in between the words I would do the character And talk like the character they were looking for So it didn't really fucking matter. That's Genius type shit Okay, that that was genius. So what he was doing was he told the first off You when you go into an audition You're in your weakest point as as a human being you're about to get judged

You're going up in front of fucking Judas whoever sentence jesus to judge you're getting judged on you're acting What you look like if you're right for the role God knows so many things on so many different levels and you feel it when you walk in there It's really good once you learn to take control of that situation I went through i'ma tell you right now if you're an aspiring actor And I got it. I can't see a person from I can't see lee

Listening to me and going in there tomorrow and doing what i'm telling Lee doesn't have the chops and i'm not taking anything away from lee Lee doesn't know what it is to go up in front of five people for two weeks in a row He does believe doesn't you know like it's weird when you have an audition and we do stand-up What I finally realized was I was doing stand-up in the room I was I was going in there as an actor and I said fuck that I'm going in there. So I learned how to turn I'll never forget that I turned one line into three And when I went back to shoot it they wrote it that way

Wow because it was one line, but I made it three to stay in the room longer than anybody else Wow those you're gonna audition. It's just a revolving door. Yes. I buy that. Yes. I didn't want to be part of that revolving door So what I did was I would stay in there longer And that would fuck with everybody else's head that was standing there because the last 10 guys went in and out of there I would read it wrong. I would let it fall. I would let the sheet fall on the floor I would do anything I could to last more than three seconds Because of the story andrew dice clay told me that He made them leave to let the camera run in

So he they could capture him doing all that dumb shit in between Yeah, usually you go right ready Lee. You're ready. All right one three two one So where were you the night of november 12th and you'll go I was at home my mother All right watching jeopardy or something like that and But the line was uh the hollywood squares And you say jeopardy go cut that's right there

He would say don't say don't cut Let it roll just keep moving. Wow right there that thing You just control the room. Yeah, but it takes Two fucking things between your legs hanging deep To do that because when you go to an audition and you actually see people walking in it's really weird steve simone You don't know what it's like when people cower Yeah, like I've seen all levels of people in audition. I've seen the people walk in Like I walk into an audition now

Like but I learned that in spider-man too When I went to read for spider-man 2 everybody in that movie everybody in that room room to read was somebody you saw Yeah in a big movie. Yeah, I took one look at them. I go, you know what they don't have The comedy story of midnight. Yep None of these people could do that. Fuck them. I'm going in there and fucking it up and boom the next day I booked spider-man 2 I remember reading an interview with bill mary and he said early on gildo radner was amazing at auditions because she was rich She didn't need the money you didn't need the money She didn't have any pressure on her and he was just starving for his next meal

So it was like I realized by watching gilda that I had to go in and not care what happened He was like the only way I could be myself and be loose was to go in there and go. All right Let's just see what where it lands. It's fucking crazy. It's crazy. I've seen people in an audition dress like the character You're lost there. Yeah Once they tell you address. I remember one time that I got a call from arie Hey, yeah, you get that audition. I go. Yeah, yeah tomorrow. We got to dress up like 17th century Soldiers or something like the 1846 And you know, all right, he's like, where the fuck am I gonna get a suit for 1846? He's like, fuck that man

Yeah, I'm going in there like I'm going in there and he goes. What are you gonna do? I go. I'm not going in there at all Great, I'm not even gonna fuck with it like they wanted you to wear some confederate suit or something like that something bullshit Yeah, fuck you and what everyone else is going to the costume store getting confederate suits and You go to those auditions and there's people dressed like chefs. You just lost. Yeah, you lost He's lost. So what do you think the real secret audition? I would wear a white t-shirt Gotcha, I would still wear a white t-shirt But I would never put the chef's stupid hat and I would never go in there with an apron. No I would wear a white t-shirt. I'd give them the appearance

Of what they're looking for You're looking for a cop. I wear a blue long-leaf slur shirt, but I don't wear a cop uniform with jeans and sneakers Gotcha. It's the same effect. Yeah, so they could picture, you know, it's all your mind game I go back to that one audition I did Where it called for a guy on his patio With a big set heavy set guy Watering his plants with like, you know, you ever see people the old-school thing. No, no with a hose Okay, but you ever see people that wear like bikinis on the beach and women walk past men and they go

Like this guy did not need a bikini. Yeah, but when I got to the audition I saw all these italian dudes, bro. That would fuck me up in an audition I go, they're all gonna get it and I thought quick. I got underwear on and I got sweats on And I go, I'm gonna take a chance and I walked into the room and they go give us a minute as soon as they turned around I said perfect I took my fucking Sweats off

And when they turned back around I took my shirt off. I was just there with a pair of tidy whiteies, huh? And I asked if they wanted a hot dog or something like that and that was it That was it. I knew it was lights out. Yeah, because nobody else started going in there with a pair of bikini Yeah, you know This is there's a time to wear the costume and there's a time not to wear, you know, I have this fucking uh Silence of the lambs was on last night And I was watching it for a little while and then Hannibal came on right after that on the hpl And I want and it was casted by this guy

That cast Donny Brasco. Wow. He cast a bunch de jamal lu de jamal His name is he even cast godfather too. Wow. He went to high school with the real Donny Brasco Oh my gosh, Joe Pistone. Yeah, so when Joe Pistone Uh, did the movie Joe went to him and said I want you to cast the movie. They were friends and shit. That's awesome But I did a uh cold reading workshop with him at UCLA This is when me and terry couldn't barely pay rent and terry paid 180 dollars for a workshop Brian Callum is there. This is 2001. Yeah, 2000. This is 2001 Brian Callum is there And I took the workshop home with me the worksheet. Yeah, I still have the worksheet. It's in my daily journal

Wow, so whenever I get an audition As soon as I get the audition I take the sides. I put the yellow in I smoke a joint I had to read it a couple times and I leave it alone then I come back and I give it the flavor But before I go to that audition I pull that checklist out And his checklist is fucking evil Like don't go in there to book the job going there to be remembered You know, if you're gonna go in there and light the room on fire light it on fire. If not, don't go Don't go, you know, like he has a lot of things that you

Make sure you have the carriage like I can't remember off the top of my head. I'd love to take a look at that Oh my god, that's incredible. That's just the bible cheat codes Like just cheat codes like just two pages of What and I'll write little things on the sheet To remember but one thing it is don't go in there to book the job go in there to be remembered That fucking line right there is fucking classic like he booked sleepers And he said they looked at jennifer lopez jennifer love hewitt But one day he got he got to his fucking office and there was a shoe hanging on his doorknob

And it said how do I get my foot in the door and a note in the resume that was the chick that he hired Wow, the australian chick that plays the porto rican chick. Wow Different shit. So for like that's awesome tv shows and movies like they obviously have the bigger roles But for like all these like smaller roles How many people will they see for them? Oh 15 they'll cut it down to six for producers That's still a lot of people like trying to like trying to differentiate between If that's a type they're looking for if they're looking for a steve somone type they're gonna look at eight people, right? Yeah

They're gonna cut it down to four for producers and then Let the producers decide That's a lot of people to like to be remembered But think about going for a commercial audition you're going against 60. Oh my god At a commercial audition, I've only gotten callbacks When I go into the audition everybody looks like me. Sometimes they don't know what they're looking for. Yeah, no It's everybody and I go, you know, I don't do that. Yeah. I don't do it's not even worth it I get calls every once in a while. Hey take a look at this audition. It's a great role

and you read it and you go You have to look at the scene and ask yourself do you belong in this fucking scene and you'll go No, I don't and they don't know what they're looking for. Yeah, guess what? I ain't got that type of time 11 o'clock at Warner Brothers. I'll take a ride over there Yeah, I'll stop at portos on the way back. All right, you know what I am. I got a nice day. Yeah Before 30 off of Beverly Boulevard. You gotta go over the hill. You're gonna let me loose at four o'clock Don't fuck yourself. Yeah, you're in no danger. You got a better chance of fucking roller skating

You got a better chance of roller skating the hell and make me go down there That's crazy. It really is I had some weird shit this week. You know what kind of week you have this week's leaves alone pretty good I I did my first I did a corporate yesterday at nine o'clock in the morning For most of the people in the room couldn't even speak english Oh, they could speak english, but it wasn't their first language And it went great. I'm like this was fantastic the guy saw me at the comedy store. No shit. Yeah I was like, this is great. They sent me an uber. I felt like a big shot

And it was right on the that was at the annenberg beach house on uh right on the beach in Santa Monica So it was a great way to start my day and then uh I've been working out. It's good. How to arry. I'm gonna go to arry's place for a month You are yeah in australia. Yep. Well, he's in australia. You'll be in new york. Yeah, what dates Uh, i'm gonna be in well after after I get back from canada on the 13th I'm gonna come back to la for that weekend And then i'm gonna fly to new york on that monday or tuesday Which is what like the 16th or 17th of april of april all the way through like may 21st

And then i'm gonna come back and forth for a couple things, but i'm gonna try to do that month in new york I'm excited. Did you book nyak yet? No, tell them you want to book nyak and all those little places I reached out to arry hooked me up with the stand. They're good guys over there Very good people and then uh, amy hawthorne that used to hang out at the comedy store. She's booking a club there So if I just get a couple dates Stuff my face eat something delicious get to be in new york. Take the bus back to philly to see my nephews I'll be i'll be happy. It'll be a good month

That's good. You're at that stage now where it's good. It's yeah, it's good fun. It's just fun You do what the fuck you want. You're really looking the right You're not looking to really act if somebody calls you exactly Yep What was it like to stand up at nine in the morning? It was the earliest i've ever done a show But most of the people that were from finland and they're very polite people And they love american stand-up comedy and it was great. It was wonderful

I can't wait to do more of that stuff because it was like positive like business people. They loved it I didn't think I'd be able to pull it off, but it worked. So this morning. I did something this week I did two things out of my comfort zone I went to jiu-jitsu at night the night which is scary as shit I was really overwhelmed this week. Yeah, you know, uh Sunday's podcast with joao romero fucked me up a little bit So cool not the one monday as much as sunday because like I said, whenever i'm around cuban refugees I get this sense of guilt

I didn't pay my dues. Yeah You know what i'm saying, but I did pay my dues in other ways I didn't pay my dues that way. Yeah, and that's why I have a rough time talking to my fucking sister on the phone because There's not much to say. I mean I don't know. Yeah, just feel weird all around But it was really overwhelming monday And after rogans, I dropped them what we went and got a juice at the g-spot over across melendly They got like a potaya bowl. They were they were loving it there

They were loving it. They had been there like three fucking times I took them the first day and they're like this. This is this is for what the fuck The juices the bowls the acai bowls the potai they got a bunch of good like they even have oatmeal Wow, that'll blow you fucking mind with hemp milk and shit like that just delicious shit So that monday night After the podcast was done. I dropped them off and I went back to say mega buys Like on the drive home. I was just overwhelmed

And I walked in the house and I forced myself to do a spot at the fourth wall Okay, even though I was overwhelmed as I was and fucking taught like the more the day started at 807 Yeah, and it was 7 15 and I was just sitting down For the first time. It was the podcast. So I got up at eight I you know played with my daughter 15 minutes. I talked to my wife. I did my little ritual and I went to kickboxing at nine I got out there took a shower picked joe yoel up and those guys are 10 30 And got them up to rogan then finished with them entertained them for an hour or two

dropped them off before their flight And then I went home picked up mercy Played with her for a while and then left her went back to the hotel Hung out with them waited for their car to come and then I went home and finished off the night with mercy And at nine o'clock I shadowed over to the fourth wall You had the dedication to go back to the fourth wall at nine o'clock. This is what we do as comedians, brother That's incredible. People just don't get it. They don't get it and if I don't You know a couple years ago when I started doing this podcast with lee and stuff like that

Something took over my life. That was really weird. I was responsible for my words now So now when I break people's balls or people come in here and I learn something from them I try to implement it in any way that I can because I see that it's working for them Yes, something works for somebody and you're watching it. That's it game. That's it. This is the way I'm doing it Yes, whatever I've been doing it. I've been doing wrong. They're doing it right. Yes What we talking about When you started the podcast someone chant took over your life and it did it made me be more responsible It made me, you know first thing go out of your comfort zone from time to time

Yeah, if not nothing fucking happens in your life. It's nothing nothing will happen You'll live this life like a fucking putz So the other night I picked up mercy after swim class and she's like daddy. I just want to go home When we got home, she said something about fucking She wanted to play a game. I go, you know what? I'm gonna leave for an hour and I'll come back and eat dinner. She goes, okay And I put my gear on I flew over there and I did an hour. I rolled three times and got beat up

But when I got in that car, I had done something different Then I got dressed and went and did two spots at the store. That's incredible I did tripple's room and the fucking original room. That's it. No, no, this is what we do. Yeah What the you know people who live in shock And I have to let me know like Lee. I gotta call lingo. What the fun? You gotta get up kid gotta do it. This is this is it This is the way I've been doing it since I was 21. I don't know no other way Yeah, people don't realize how much work it takes behind the scenes. Yeah

People have no fucking idea then they get well I want so much out of life, but I just saw you sunday watching a football game Do another I can't remember last time I sat down and watched I don't know what the I told Lee that you're becoming a comic now Might as well throw if this is what you want to do Throw your tv away. Yeah Next time you see somebody that's the next level of a commitment when you go Just take the tv I haven't been watching it like I finally this uh this week I on tuesday

I finally felt like a real because I've been going to one place and I had three spots. Oh, that's great I went I went well, and I because I've been doing yeah for me to show you that's great for me You can't talk to talk unless you walk to walk Yeah, how can I tell these kids at home that this is what you need to do? Yep, whether you're 55 85. I'm ashamed of myself at 55. Look around white But he does it 61 I'm ashamed of myself And he goes out four months weeks a month and drinks. Yeah, he just not only goes out. He does tequila and whatever

If a columbian shows up brief it through to roots You know I give my hats off to that guy. Yep, but people do not understand the the extreme of the work And the shit you're running a business. You're running a business What if your business if three employees get sick for three weeks? It ain't gonna run that means you gotta take care of yourself Yep That means you gotta take care of yourself. You know all those little things you gotta drink water You gotta write who the fuck am I not to go to the fourth wall on a monday night. Who the fuck am I? I'm not doing a parkas. I'm gonna sit there for three hours with two women and talk about what and talk about what right now

It takes one hour Takes one hour to go do the fucking fourth wall and you'll always learn something You will always learn something as a comic. That's what I moved to la. I didn't know nothing about tv Yeah, I knew nothing about tv when people said to me joe rogan's on news radio. I thought it was a radio show That's what I knew. I'm nothing and did I did I not even give a fuck right? I don't know anybody I didn't give a fuck about what was on tv. I didn't give a fuck what the score was what your mother's Favorite show was I don't forget doing comedy a night Seinfeld People were like nobody's gonna come to the show. Yes, they are. Yeah, because there's americans like me that don't give a fuck

And sure enough there were 60 people there Seinfeld's final fucking show. Yep, you know When you want to do something Your life changes you have to fucking change It's not what you want to do no more. It's what needs to be done. Those are two completely different sentences It's I wanted to yeah, I know that's what you wanted to but that's not what needs to get done Yeah, if you make it a need it will get done. It needs to get done. I don't give a fuck. How are you getting done? Yeah, how are you doing? Yeah, I don't care if you said you if you wrote on that piece of paper

You go into the gym. I don't give a fuck if you walk in there at midnight Yep, but you're gonna fucking do it. Yes And people refuse to do that and this won't happen and they sit there and they go, why do I have credit card debt? Why don't I have the things I want because you can't even make a commitment to one fucking thing? Yes, one fucking thing. I was so Let's let's put our cards on the table here. Mm-hmm the last time I was proud of myself really really proud of myself Was when I got picked to go to five star basketball camp when I was 14 years old

Wow That was the last time I was as overwhelmed as I was monday for more reasons than one I got the Your Romero looks like a villain on paper But even without meeting him. I knew what his heart was because I've been there and I know that Yeah, I wanted him to my first question time the only question I wanted for this podcast was who are you? You know, I wanted to touch his heart. That's what this podcast is about You know, uh

That was a good thing Number two my friend opened up in jujitsu school. I wanted to help him out. I wore his t-shirt. I'm rogan That was number three Another friend of mine said he wanted a picture with him. It would mean the world to him I got him a picture with him. It was one of those days where I made people's day I got my day made. I made your day with the podcast. It was a really perfect good fucking day Yeah, that's how life's supposed to be. I'm sick and tired of You know what man? I'm a comic and I got a little bit of an attitude

And I got my fucking Ghost or your demons we all do But I got to tell you something man my goal every day when I wake up Besides getting on stage and trying to be productive and trying to take care of myself Is to make somebody's day. That's it. That's the secret. It's been so important to me lately with a joke call somebody Yes, my friend's dad died and invited down to the store the other night. He showed up He's burying his father on saturday and he showed up He needed so he's down there like oh he comes in first thing

I got a box from speed weed A big shout out to my man gino from speed weed He's the greatest if you're in the valley and you need weed delivered to your house Go to gino. He showed up with a utility belt to refread a box of fucking edibles for me and shit They were 15 milligram edibles But my friend his dad just died. I said walk me to my car He'd know he had no idea what he was getting himself into He came over he goes. What's going on? Like he was a little like nervous. I could see that his pain

And I go let's eat some animals bitch and he goes Last time I ate edibles I got fucked up. I'm not sure I got you don't need to be sure here I just gave him a piece of chocolate in the eight one. There was 15 milligrams And he goes, I think this is all I can handle like I'm not tonight and I gave him another one for 15 milligrams Then we went and like what are you drinking? He goes, I think I'm just gonna have a water. I go. No, no, no What are you drinking? He goes Fuck atomic like he knew that he wasn't getting out of there alive. Yeah and then fucking

He got him a seat in the original room They got to watch joe and he got to watch hallie wang and sabastion Oh fire line up and he got off the stage and who's at the store victor with kevin gaestelman The ufc fighter on a mission. Oh, I saw that picture in the back of the in the smoking lounge of the comedy store Kevin gaestelman and he's fucking hugging me. He I introduced him to him. He's like, how the fuck is this happening? I don't know Theo and then Theo von shows up with mickey gall And joe whatever from shilling from the bellator champion with ian edwards the old ufc fighter They show up. He's in the back. He's a jujitsu guy

That his father just died and he's in the back smoking with kevin gaestelman and the fucking nothing Whenever they weren't smoking with them They were in the backpack hang it out and he was smoking with a bunch of comics and me kevin gaestelman victor Rogue and we're all sitting on the other side of the fucking thing And everybody's fucking smoking though, but I looked at him the one thing and he looked at me. He just winked and I felt So fucking good about myself. Do you know what I am like? I made this fucking night. He just winked at me and then I said listen. I gotta I got the five year old I gotta get up in the morning, bro. And I go you need anything call me and

I go i'm sorry, you know And it was just nice like it was just two days that was just nice, but the first day fucking monday When I walked in from the hotel I threw my sneakers off. I put my feet up and I was like, wow That was just overwhelming. Yeah, and I was watching some shit show on tv and I scrolled to see what was on. Oh my god Real's tv hot on the outlaw josey wales from the part where he saves the indian chick from getting raped

Jesus, oh good I watched that for about 30 minutes all the way up to the part where he shoots the fucking strainer off the soldier's boat And they floated away and then and they on all The best is the old indian that's selling that tonic And fucking There's there's a scene when he goes up to the end and he goes this is for people who can't handle their alcohol and the indian insults him and then Clint Eastwood knocks him down on the way out and now they show him again

And he's got his jacket off and he's using His fucking ointment to get the dirt off his white jacket because he was a salesman You know, I love josey wales Is one of those westerns that's just funny like it has little Little miles how Clint Eastwood won and after I watched that bro. I went over. I met lee at the fourth wall And I did my spot But yeah, people white white tonight. I'm gonna go down there and do a few spots. I'm out tonight. Yeah

It's thursday. I'm out tonight tomorrow. I'm gonna actually puncture the weeks over. Are you gonna go to the store tonight, too? Yeah, I'm going down into perfect. I got a 10 45. So why well, you know, maybe I'll do an early spot at the fourth wall Then just go to the store. I think I'll leave the house. I'll leave the house at nine I'll do the fourth wall I'll tell jargon to leave right after my spot at 9 30 and I'll fucking be down there by 10 watch two or three comics I think it's a bastion and mark maron learned something. Oh my god And then I come home. I eat a bag of dicks like I did the other day and I come home I had nobody gets their fucking feelings. And I did my four or five spots for the week

I'm doing a spot saturday for uh, the fucking irishman At the improv. So I'm good. Oh, you're doing great for timon show. Yes. I did my goal for the week. That's great That's it. Nobody gets their feelings. If I stay in town, I'm still going to do 20 sets a month 22 sets a month. That's the number For me at this point, you know When I first got here, I needed three a night. That's 21 a week. That's fucking 84 a month If I could do 30 I'd be happy. Wow. Yeah, that's that's the work ethic

Every time I need to work harder Like we all need to I have to work harder like I hear that and I just go, okay Well, there's no excuses. You got to do more. We all need to work harder and people It's it's it's really crazy that the last couple of years I've seen more and more people that have looked at me And I always knew you had to work hard at whatever you wanted to do. I was just scared of the work Yeah, I was always scared of the work. Yeah Up to the age of 34. I was scared of the work. I'm not gonna lie. No, bye

I was actually scared of working And once you realize that It's either this Or die Right, it's either this or at least eat or get the things that you want to eat You know what? You don't have to eat lobster But it's nice not to get that turkey packaged With a bunch of chemicals shot and it's nice to get a nice slice there at turkey from

The deli sports head versus Yeah, yeah, you know what I'm saying? Yes, you could eat dollar bread. You could go to the dollar store and get bread Or eat some nice wonder bread and shit with some males and some lettuce, you know, it's up to you I'm not saying you got to be bridging Bardot, but those are the decisions you have to make I remember live living off one of these 99 cents menu. Yeah when I first moved to LA Why I was addicted to uncoke And that's the decision I made I also ended up at 418 pounds eating those fucking Wendy's 99 cents menu When I go in there, no, but then when they I'm like, listen for me to live

I gotta eat like a normal human being I gotta fry my own eggs. I gotta eat two pieces of Oscar Maya center cut bacon from the middle They don't give you that fucking hog. You ever cook in bacon. You can smell when it's hog It's in the air. You could smell it You know I mean those are the decisions you have to make and then you start saying well now I need to make 1200 a month or 1400 a month or 1600 a month Yeah, and you know what you won't make it the first three months, but all of a sudden

You'll start making 1600 a month. Yeah, especially when you need to do it Yeah, when you put it out into the universe and you actually work You know when you're working. That's true. You know when you're working nothing happens on the bed And nothing happens on that fucking couch nothing Nothing and to get You know, you look at these olympians. I read an article three weeks ago Do you know what it cost to become an olympian? No idea. What do you think pays for their training?

What do you think the u.s. The olympic sends them money every month and You you and your parents wow Yeah, they do it just for the love of it, which is they do it for the love of it That's incredible How incredible is that that they they go they do everything that you need to do and yeah, once you get to a certain level I'm sure that You get some sponsorship money But I just read an article but the guy who put 80 grand in his credit card for three years or something

Wow, 80 grand a year on his credit card something just ridiculous You know now is he gonna get sponsors is somebody gonna help him with that now that later on you get sponsors I guess I think you get something for when if you win the medal, but that's not guaranteed you the cheerios commercial You know, what's that runs out? What's what's the luck then you do a commercial get three to seven grand What's 80 fucking grand and that what are you gonna do with seven grand? You're gonna have a party You're gonna sniff a cocoa some of these titties What do you think you're gonna do? I don't know, but it's it's it's a lot of fun Like I've been very lucky the last couple weeks to get to do shows with Steve and same Tripoli and then Joey not

but it's Like I'm at a place like just I'm just I'm amazed when I hear how long you guys have been doing it, but If I do one spot it makes me want to go do it like for whatever like it's so much fun That it makes you want to go do another I felt guilty because the other day you said something to me go well these guys are doing this I told you not to do not to get involved with it because I know the value of a dollar one and I know what a spot listen

A spot is a spot is a spot I don't give a fuck whether you get in your car and drop to Wyoming or whether you get in the car and drop to shernman ox A spot's a spot's a spot Now I'm worried about your time Right. Yeah, what's worth your time? You're following me. Yeah, it's fun if Steve Simone says to you. Hey, I'm doing Volcano room in Portland, Oregon I can't pay you but you can sleep on the floor and do guess that's Fuck yeah, that's your brother

You know, he gets 10% off at the restaurant. You know what I'm saying before you to get in your car Going to the unknown unknown. You got the fourth wall Call fucking Rizzo called Johnny rock. They got a room Somewhere, right? I just I like I've heard so many stories about you guys learning from spot to spot And it always gives me a little bit of anxiety because I don't like being late places But like I just had so much fun the other night I like I had I got in line and I got my spot at the pizza place But then I ran and did the skip town playhouse with Steve Dez

And but then that ran a little bit late. So I had to run back up to north Hollywood Wait till lake this season Oh, and I was running from my car and they call they call my name So I didn't get to prepare and I did that and then I ran over to the fourth It just like I finally felt like an actual comedian and wait till lake this season So you get somewhere and they go, oh, we forgot the show is not going to start at 8 30 We got to wait till 10 15 to the lake and that's the night that you're getting 75 bucks a 10 And the lake is going to overtime

You know what I'm saying like oh, man, I'm getting the 75 hours. I can go eat tomorrow. I get a bag of weed And all of a sudden you get down there for the small 20 and they tell you We're not waiting. We got to wait for the league of games that and then you're like what? So what do you do do you run? No, no, no, no, no, no and not only that Not only that you're waiting for the league game then you also drove down on e Because you only got 16 dollars on your atm and you need 20 to take money out of that So you could charge five on your fucking card on the gas But you really don't want to so the 22 they were going to give you the 20 and the drink ticket at that gig

You need that 20 because that 20 was going to get you to your next gig That's going to get you the 75. So now you can't do that because The lake a game delayed you. That's why once basketball season comes The the comedy it changes in your name. But same thing happens if you were in boston You're going to do an open mic in boston and turn off a hockey game. You know red sox game. Are you good luck? Good luck. I'm turning off a fucking Celtic game on a tuesday night when they're at home. Good luck Out of neighborhood and fucking Dorchester or something like that Good luck. My friend same thing happens. Yeah, you got to look at your schedule

Or what about the times you book like your book like a a fucking April in the town and it's the week that they're in the NBA playoffs. Oh, nobody's there and nobody's there dog Nobody I remember going to houston there being four people Four people couldn't get tickets I ever been in calgary when the flames were doing a playoff for on a hockey in canada. Forget it. Forget it Everything shuts down and you're excited So there's 22 people

Do you guys like look at sports and like I'm not to be mean but do you look at them like wishing they lose like Oh now you get pissed every club owner hates the local team Mentioned to a club owner. Hey, do you go to something game? Fuck you and fuck the Celtics You know much money they cost me every time they go on the playoff season They can't wait for fucking basketball season to be over because now they can go back to making money It's fucking crazy league during basketball and hockey season. Fuck this whole thing. Yeah, fuck like done the nuggets Yeah, go into a bar in common city and tell them we're turning off the game in the third corner. Hi day That's so funny. It's uh, it's a lot to

Compete with especially when it's free on tv Denver There's no reason to stay in Denver on a sunday night during football season No If she books you from september to december on a sunday just go wendy I'd rather not live through that because if they win If they win it's a good time and if they lose it's not a good time You don't want to be in the middle of that

You don't need the 50 50 to the 50 dollars. I don't Because nobody's gonna show Because they're party and if they win if there's a one o'clock game in Denver ain't nobody coming to see you tonight On a sunday when it's 80 degrees and it's november and the lord's day on a sunday They're starting drinking that coarse water They got that indian water flowing you ain't you ain't got no count. That is a party town. That's a denver bronco town Yeah, I don't go to fucking broncoville. I don't fuck with the broncos. I learned early. I was a thief in Denver That's time to rob a fucking mall is when the bronco's on everybody's in the hallway watching the tv

You're walking to the malls putting on shirts Those savages in boston rob robber kronkowski's house during the super bowl. Yeah, that's how you rob But you think the cops are gonna respond to How you think one of those rent the cops eight bucks an hour and his little white fucking priest during the super bowl Yeah, during the super bowl. He's got to shut it off put it on the seat Put the car in drive get the electricity going. Are you fucking kidding me? That's how to do things. It's crazy, but there's so many aspects to comedy I remember doing triple runs with one of my triple runs with dan last week

And going into the room and you have this material all of a sudden it says on the bottom. Oh, by the way This is a Mormon room You can't talk about all these topics. These are all the learning curves. These are all the fucking uh What the fuck is this? I almost broke my arm just now. Do you see that? I almost just unbombed myself right there You imagine breaking your own mom on the desk. I'd be the biggest moron That's how I electrocuted myself last week with the pez. Wow What I put the tens machine on my back the shit that gives you electro shock when I wash my hands

I felt smoke coming out of my ears That's how you we had to come over and put crazy glow on my tongue last week. Oh, yeah And I put sleep apnea right right. I loved your house and the fucking glue the sleep apnea heat Made the glue expand It looked like a building when I woke up the next morning. Oh, I thought I had like a gold tooth I felt like I was like a fucking. Oh my god, you know, I've I've had the bad luck in the world Can we tell them what that about that night where you He came out looking like you were in a horror movie

Your t-shirt was bloodied up and then as soon as we got the gum on the the uh, whatever not the gum the glue on your tongue He was rolling a joint. I had to lick the joint But then as soon as you smoke you got blood on it. He's like it's okay I mean, it's good for you. It's 12 30 at night. It was blood on the other side He came over 12 times it comes on miles and 12 times. I got all for you a joint He offered me a mini donut and then he and then he was joint and taking edibles. Meanwhile his tongue Was bleeding like it was like it like you should have like a little use I bite my tongue You bite your tongue you take a xanax the xanax slows down the count. I don't think that's how

What kind of glue do you put on it crazy crazy glue? He for that happened once before with uh, jerry roja and jerry brought like not named brand Crazy glue and it didn't work. So it's still here. It's still here like Puerto Rican crazy glue from the dollar store That shit don't do nothing You put your helmet on You'll fall in a minute It's crazy. It was the shit though. Yeah, I've seen for tongue bites dog. That was a year. I would crazy glue people's phones I just would crazy glue their phone you ever do that

I had crazy glue And I would crazy glue there was a salesman that always take the sales call So I would crazy glue his phones from time to time dog and it would drive him bananas To so his hand to it like if we picked up the receiver so it's he couldn't pick it up. Yeah, he couldn't pick it up Oh my god So I was a killer with crazy glue. Where did you get so much crazy glue you just you just keep buying crazy You have no mohawk. You know, you have no idea what fun is till you get crazy glue You put glue on somebody's door when they open up the car door

Oh, they can't get it. Oh, no. Yeah, I fuck with people all the time and crazy glue Oh, yeah for years in colorado one of my my first criminal mentor The first guy that taught me weaponry showed Crazy glue is the biggest weapon in the world You could glue some of these hands together. It's fucking crazy make do anything by the time they pull it apart their fucking skin comes off If I put crazy glue on your palms a lot of crazy gonna put your hands together I could smack the fuck out of you for 10 years

By the time you pull your palms together Skin's gonna come off. You're gonna lose some skin. You're gonna rip off some skin. Jesus crazy glue is no joke Why do you know how can you get it off because women's uh now polish remover Now polish remover. He was a green beret. That's what he did miracles at that stuff. Yeah, those guys are uh A different breed of cat. It'll be great. Just a stab mother fucking put crazy glue around the cut That'd be great. What does that do? I don't know but I just that's a move for john wick That's some john wick. I feel like the skin wasn't gonna be able to close or something. Are they really gonna do a john wick tv show Did you read that? Yes. Am I going crazy thinking that keanu reeves gonna do it too? Yes. Yes. Okay. That's a show i'll watch

Yes, no i'm looking forward to that. Yeah, that's badass right there Keanu john wick is my shit. So good. I think I've watched it 30 times. It's so good every time it's on hbr I watch john wick do Whatever you like the second one better. I like the first one. I like both of them, but I don't care which john wick shows up One two three Six it don't matter They're fucking good movies. He's very good at that movie very good Keanu reeves is great 55 to train five hours a day jiu-jitsu just that alone

You know, there's some actors that you don't like bro. I love tom cruising and the movie with him and jamey fox I didn't see that oh collateral collateral That's one of my that's one of my that's one of the taxi driver Uh, jamey fox. No, I didn't see that i'm gonna go check it out. See if tom cruise collateral Disco tech chinese disco tech scene. I'll tell you what I like tom cruise when he was in that jack reacher movie He wasn't bad the blonde in that jesus christ The blonde and jack breacher. I don't know if it's one or two She's fucking beautiful. Yeah

The disco tech scene the chinese disco scene and fucking Uh, whatever it is collateral collateral. That is he's beautiful. He's beautiful The other thing you could tell he's five for fucking eight You could tell he's a midget in that fucking movie, but besides that I wish I was five foot eight What's going on leave i'm looking for What are you looking for? I was right. I have to I have to capitalize I have to do it in youtube. So I've uh, oh, I haven't seen this You never this is a great. I think it's a good movie. You know who's in this uh

Uh, you know who's in this movie that's not bad like the spanish guy Uh He's married to penelope cruise Watch this This I think this is even shot in korea town. Wow I can't believe you've never seen this now He's great this this guy Jamie box no the white dude

He was at the comic store a few weeks ago. We're watching somebody. Okay, look at our boy. Emilio Rivera in this movie There's Emilio coming at you There you go young Emilio Javier bar dan is in this He plays the mexican gang boss the guy from uh, no country from old one. Yeah, he plays the mexican gang boss This is a great movie This kid is a great actor He goes to the store from time to time. I forget what his name is

So it's tom cruise and jamey fox Walking into a disco and that guy that's sitting there is the target. He's got to shoot him But the problem is they've already shot three or four people the cops aren't them That he's coming back to shoot witnesses So those guys you saw coming in there cops Oh, I saw this a long time ago He's the hitman or something like that. He's got to get him all in one night. Yeah, I saw this a long time ago This is a very very good movie. He's very fucking good this shit

But he shoots military style this is how That guy used to teach me how to shoot that was a young man military style It's your footing your stepping I guess I guess I really don't know Have you seen that video keanu reef switching his weapons as he's shooting? Yeah, like the military guy says he's He's good at he's phenomenal in this shit. I love when they do all that stuff Here we go. He's just fucking people Yeah, he fucks 29 people up in this

He starts taking bodyguards out one by one Oh, there you go, you can pull a little ladder and just need this We got to go to that place in korea town That guy's a cop he's a cop He's a great actor. I forget what his name is He does a bunch of Michael best All the way back to Miami rice Oh

Tom cruise goes to work jack look at them Tom cruise ain't fucking around jack Tom cruise is going in there stabbing motherfuckers breaking their neck one by one the cops fucked up See they got shot Look a fucking shiny chin. He don't know what the fuck he's gonna do And i'm like jimmy fox and this brings me out. Yeah And the mexicans are in there too Oh That's just crazy

Hey, hey hold on. Hold on I'm mech. I'm mech. I'm the goddamn camp accused. I know I'm the goddamn camp. I know. I know get you out of here. I'm LA geedy come on Yeah Oh Yeah, tom cruises Scientology 101 jack There you go, there you go, I mean he's blasting people, tremendous, look at the mob boss, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, single and that's all he shoots, one to the heart, one to the

head. He's not even worried about the cops right now, tremendous, look at him, one to the heart, one to the head. He knows you're the whole fucking around, two shots and then walking away, walks out. And that's the thing, we talk a lot about bad movies or this and that, you can really tell when someone doesn't have the training that Keanu or Tom Cruise has and they're doing all these action movies, it doesn't look real. When these people put the work in like that, it's believable.

They know it because they've seen the movie where, it's like no disrespect, it's like, I'm gonna lie to you, the last 10 movies Charles Bronson made, he had no business doing it. It's like De Niro now, the last 10 movies he's made, he has no business doing it because you, Grudge Match was on the N.I., TBS late night and I turned it on, it was Kevin Hart, my scenes were already done and it was weird that it just didn't look right, I wasn't thinking about it at the time, I thought it'd be number one in the box office, but while it was on, I would go, who would go watch this fucking movie, do you know what I'm saying? It's weird how many elements have to come together to make it look right, to make it feel right.

I'm a Charles Bronson fan from the end and I'll never forget walking out of Death Wish 4, like going like it's old, like walking out after eight minutes, like going it's old, watching him chase a 20-year-old kid in the streets of New York, Charles Bronson, stop, stop. You could see him running and the kid running, like a 24-year-old kid running and Charles running the way I would run and all of a sudden he's drinking all the fence and I'm like, I can't watch this, this is unbelievable, Steven Seagal, you ever see him run in above the law? Yeah. It's horrible, like they had no running training, you know.

How much does it hurt your feelings when you have to walk out of a movie? I've only done it a few times, but I take it serious, I don't want to do that. It hurts my feelings a lot in more ways than one, especially when you're so- Looking forward to it. Looking forward to it and they blow the movie. There's sometimes I'll stay, you know, but I see the part where they blew the movie, like you just go looking, they had something, but they acted like fucking idiots. I'm excited to see how that Irish, kill the Irishman or the Irishman Scorsese,

he's one for Netflix turns out, because what I read about it would sound interesting is that these guys are older, but it's about this guy looking back on his life. So that'll be interesting to see how they play it. You know, if you notice after the Sopranos, they have mob elements, but not, they don't even break them down no more, because there's nowhere to go with them. John Wick, who's looking for John Wick? The mob, but they don't say nothing, they call it something different, the New World Order. Yeah, whatever it is. God, the movie's so good.

Yeah, you can't sell them off, you know, the Sopranos just fucked it up. And try to watch the Sopranos now. I tried about a week ago, I had to turn it up. Why? It made me sad, and like, I haven't really seen each episode 10 times. Gotcha. HBO puts them on now from time to time. Aren't they going to be doing a movie or something? They're doing a prequel that just got announced?

Yeah, they just agreed to a prequel or something like that. But who knows what they're going to do, you know, those movies, man, listen, you got to remember one thing, and I'm not knocking anybody, you know this. As you get older, we all get a little lack of days ago. Scorsese is not the source case, he used to be. Spielberg is not the Spielberg, he used to be. Yeah. You know, a lot of those directors, they lose it.

And I don't know who's the new guy to take over for those guys, because I'll say this, I look back at the movies I grew up with, John Wick is great, but it's rare that I see a movie and I go, no, that's great. I mean, Crystal Lee is the nicest kid in the world, and the other one, the main room talking, and he said that he stayed home to watch the movie that won the Academy Award, and he couldn't believe how bad it was. Oh, they're not bad. I don't even, I don't even, I had, I get them all from the screen actors.

I don't want to watch any of these. And I look at them, and the only thing I want to watch is I, Tonya, I just, I keep forgetting to put it in. That's the only one that even interests me by any fucking anything. And most of the superhero movies I watch, those, they're fun, I enjoy them, but they're not great. You know what I mean? No, they're not for me.

Like the Outlaw, Josie Wills, that's a great movie. I tried to watch fucking Wonder Woman on the plane. I heard so many great things about Wonder Woman. Right. I think after an hour, I got a tap on it. It's, but then again, the other day I was watching Armageddon. Armageddon is a good movie, but there's a point. I walked out of Armageddon.

What, why would, what point did it get you? Once the Russians get involved in shit, there's no reason to be there no more. That was one movie that they, it started off great for me, and I didn't want to watch the end. And then I watched the ending years later and I saw, I really would have fucking been pissed off. I miss you, baby. And, you know, this was, yeah, that was just too fucking much for Uncle Jolly. Some shit's too much for me now.

I'm, I'm like you. I see right through it. I see right through it. That's why John Wick, I didn't see it in the theater and people are just like, no, I think you'll like it. Ralphie May was the one who said, watch John Wick, nigga. You like it. So good.

Cow, cow, cow, cow. I just saw John Wick. Nigga, this is John Wick. This shit was on. Cow, cow. Okay. I'll watch it now, Alfie. And I watched it and he blew me the fuck away, but I'm also Keanu.

I'm a point blank, point break fan. It was, it was on this week. So good. Him and Swayze. This and the fucking dude before he got hit by the motorcycle, you know, the guy have that junk, you know, who played the guy got died in the plane. Buddy Holly and the crickets.

The guy that, oh yeah. Point break is when he was still a fucking human being. Yep. Before he became all crazy. He got hit in the head with the motorcycle. What's his name? What is that guy from? He was a black sheep.

What's it? Duncan Trussell used to have him doing a voiceover edition for Chevy trucks. It's one of the funniest things I've ever heard because he's hitting on the woman in New York, giving them instructions. And I just remember the one line. He goes, how would you like a backstage pass to my imagination? Have you seen Duncan Trussell? No, I missed him the other night.

I was upset. He was at the store. I wanted to go by and give him a hug. He's making a comeback. I think not next week, but the week after. Gary Busey. Gary Busey. Gary Busey.

Gary Busey was still normal in that fucking movie. Keanu Reeves was young. Young. He was a baby. Patrick Squazy was great. The guys in the red hot chili pepper. The singer was in that. Yeah, the fight scene, the surfer fight scene.

The fight scenes were fucking great. But when you see those movies, sometimes they like, I love the show, but they had horrible fight scenes with sons of Anakin. Just got off of fight scenes, got off of anything when it came to that stuff. When you put a lot of money into a movie, into a Hollywood blockbuster, that person has to look like they really, it takes a long fucking time to. Make it believable. Make it believable.

You know, I think that that movie didn't do well with the chick. Who's the, remember Blonde Bombshell? Blonde. Ultimate Blonde. Something Blonde. Atomic Blonde. Atomic Blonde. That it went, it started off in the right direction, but she couldn't sell it.

Some people can't sell it. Yeah. Keanu Reeves really fucking sells it. Tom Cruise fucking sells it. Denzel and Man on. Oh, it's one of my all time favorite movies. It's really weird when somebody. I wish you had more time.

Put on French connection, the bar room, the bar room, whatever. I'll tell you what I'll say. I'm going to go pee real quick because I'm an old man. And I got to pee every 22 fucking minutes. So hold on. I have it. I'll get it ready. But I mean, Steve, for me, I miss going to the movie theater as much.

Yeah. And they've just made it so expensive now. And the movies, the quality has gone down. Yeah, there's something good. I'll pay the money to go see it. But there's something about seeing, just the way that it's different, seeing a special from seeing a comedian live. Live.

Yeah, you're right. There are certain movies that I only saw on TV. And then since we're lucky enough to live here, they have those cool movie places where they show old movies. And then you see it on the big screen. You're like, oh, this is how it's supposed to be. With trailers and that's part of the best part of going to a movie. Did you ever see Taxi Driver?

Oh, with DeNiro and his prime, Scorsese and his prime. When I saw that on the big screen, it was even more disturbing. When I saw Raging Bull on the big screen, it was a different movie. When I saw Animal House on the big screen, it was 10 times funnier. John Belushi just moving his shoulders would make me laugh. Absolutely. And then the big screens. Where's that?

Even if you even if you saw it the first time, like not only in the theater, but you have to see it in the theater when it's busy, or at least there's some people enjoying the movie. It's just like stand up comedy. Yeah. Like if I go to the movies to see a comedy, that's the only time I go with other people. Because normally I go to the movies at 10 o'clock in the morning when it's just

me and like one other old guy. And I'm like, you sit on that side of the theater. I'll sit on mine. But comedies, you need an audience. Or else you go, you know, it was pretty good. You need an audience. And sometimes I like seeing with people, but sometimes I'll go to a movie by myself. Oh, you okay?

I'll go all the time. I love going by myself. Me too. I'll remember the last movie I won with a group of people. French connection cleaning up. See it's cleaning up the bar. Pop by here. Yeah.

You know, when you saw this. What was his background? Gene Hackney fucking savage. Yeah. Because he see it's all very believable. All right. Popeye's here. Get your hand on your head.

Get off the bar and get on the wall. Come on. Move. Move. Come on, sweetheart. Move. Come on, move. All right, come on.

Take the window. Move. Take the hall. Turn around. Turn around. Move. Come on. Hands out of your pocket.

Turn around. Turn around. Come on, you heart. Come on. Turn around, big man. Come on. Turn around. Get on the wall.

Get on. Get on. Turn around. Turn around. Hey, can you drop that? Pick it up. Hold those hands up. Pick it up.

Come on. Move. What are you looking at? He's old school movies. All right, bring it here. Get your hands out of your pockets. What's my name? Doyle.

What? Mr. Doyle. Come here. You pick your feet. Do you get over that? Get your hands on your head. Hold them up. We told you people were coming back.

We're going to keep coming back here and tell you to clean this bar up. Keep your eye on your neighbor. He dropped something that belongs to you. What is this? A fucking hospital here? Turn around there, fella. What do we got here, huh?

This belong to you? Huh? Stand up there, naughty. That's what everybody was doing. Harold and me. Look at that. Get your hands on your fucking head. Get in there.

You want me to leave it at the bar? Oh, bullshit. You would hide it under the bar. So if the cops came in, it's not in your pocket. Hey, thank you. We're going to ask questions later. This little pills with big barbiturates. They talk about the opioids now.

Look at weed came in an envelope. All right, guy nodding on the fucking cigarette machine. This is classic shit. Anybody want a milkshake? All right, come over here. You and you. Hey, whiskers. Come over here.

Move ass when I call you. Get in there. You. Hey, was Danny disrespectful? See that guy falling in the subway? That was the commercial for it. You know, the trailer. The trailer.

You remember the trailer? Fuck yeah. I was a kid in New York City and it said filmed in New York where it happened. You dick got hard. You dick got hard. That's so cool. I'm like, what are you fucking kidding me?

I'm living on 88th Street. I think he got shot up in Brooklyn, the Bronx or whatever. But these are movies that the characters are very believable. They did the work, you know. We had the guy that did the movie colors. Okay. The police and I had the guy that was based off of it. Sean Penn just lived with the guy for six weeks.

Wow. He did his work, you know, for another three weeks. He went to a police academy and learned the rules and. When was the last time Sean Penn was in something? He's great at it. He just did a movie, a couple, maybe two. They tried to make him a leading like tough guy and something. I don't know if the movie was good or not, but when you do those roles,

you really got to dive yourself into those things. Like when Joey Gallo got shot, what's his name was there? The guy from Law and Order, Jerry Orback was there. Wow. Because Jerry Orback was studying a role to do Joey Gallo. No other gangster would ever go come. But Joey Gallo was so fucking crazy at the time. And so full of himself that he let Jerry Orback

fucking hang out with him to learn all about mafia code and the behavior of the slang and the patois and shit like that. Well, they're not writing stories anymore. Like what's the new one? Like the heist one that's coming out? Snow heist or truck heist or they're just right. They just have themes and the story is not that important. Yeah, they're making movies off of video games.

I saw rampages coming out. I'm like, you know, good stories, good characters. The movies were well executed. I grew up on movies. I grew up on movies. I know how the excitement that it brought to me. Yep. When I walked into a movie theater and you smelled the popcorn.

That's the greatest. And now you walk in and the first reaction is I'm about to get ripped off. Yes. Yep. I'm about to pay $3.85 for a box of fucking mutt balls. They can get four boxes for $2 at $7.11. Yeah. About $8.80.

You know what I'm saying? It's an expensive night. If you take a girl to like, what's the movie theater in Hollywood? The Lemley or the fucking other one? Arclight. This is what I think what you're doing. Arclight. Take the Arclight, for example.

And don't get me wrong. Fucking Arclight is great. It's worth it. It's... If you want to be a white person, the Arclight is the way to go. They even tell you where you're sitting. Yeah, I know. When you get there.

They'll tell you what role, who, what who you're sitting next to. You get a beer. You get a glass of wine. They got the one in Hollywood. It's got a chicken sausage sandwich on Italian bread with rice and peppers. Jesus Christ. I went to a movie there one time. Way before the podcast world even got popular.

Yeah. I did a movie podcast. And part of the podcast is you had to go see a movie and talk about it. Okay. So I took my wife to a movie. I went there with a hundred dollar bill. I didn't think about it. Like, I had a hundred dollar bill.

And I got home and I had like 18 dollars left. I didn't think about it until the next day. Like, we went to the Arclight and spent 80 fucking dollars. We walked because we lived three blocks away in Hollywood. We didn't have a paper parking. It was a fucking 80 dollars between. And that's probably what, 10 years ago? Yeah.

This had to be nine years ago. This, we were still living in the valley. So two, we're still living in Hollywood. So it had to be 2009, 2009, 2008. We had just gotten there. It's probably a hundred now. For the same thing. It's like 20 something.

The fucking popcorn is five or six. Oh, it's way above that now. Is it really? Yeah. They fucking hit you there. That combo package is 1895. Yeah. For a popcorn and two drinks.

For a popcorn and a drink and a pox of candy. You don't even save any money with those. It's a big deal. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You know, and you know, that's what the limelight is, that you're going to sit next to nice white people. Nobody's in the yellow. Nobody's in the smoke pot.

And I've smoked dope in there. I went in there with everyone saying, why don't we time to watch the Clint Eastwood movie? About the fucking Asians and shit. Oh, me, him, and Rick Ramos. And we sparked to join the fucking. We sparked to join up in there. In the theater?

Yeah. We had that place crazy. Oh, my God. Talking the old days, you didn't go to a movie theater without smelling weed. Yeah, but not in the theater. Can you, oh, in the theater. Oh, Jesus.

Right as the movie started, you were popping a fucking shit. I'm just imagining 16-year-old me. Excuse me, sir. Can you please put that out? No, you wouldn't even have the audacity. You would smell it and look straight. You don't know nothing.

You don't know nothing and you don't need to know nothing. Let me give some shout-outs real quick. These were the shout-outs I gave yesterday, but since we're now putting out the podcast, I just redid them for today. My brother, Nathan, from Steakums sent us some t-shirts. He sent them some boxes. He sent us a picture.

I want to give him a big, big shout-out. I didn't know how to fucking say your last name, Nathan, so fucking no last names. The Cronin Brothers, you bad motherfuckers. Ben Riley, Alan Sturk, Michael Grimel, Kevin Glenn, Cole Shaw, Eric Doe, Drought, and the rest of the motherfucking church family. I love you, cocksuckers. And don't forget, I'll be at the Santa Fe Casino

the first week of April, the fifth and the sixth of April, and then I'll be fucking somewhere. I don't fucking know. Columbus for 420, bitches. Bring your fucking reefer. We're going to jail like Jim Morrison. Did the new season of This Is Not Happening come out yet? It started.

Yep. They gave it a really shitty time slot. It's late at night, like on Fridays or something, right? Yeah. Yeah. It's a shame there are some good stories. Byron Bowers killed it this year. I really enjoyed his story.

My story was so fucking shitty. You took me on a ride with that story, though. It was so fucking shitty. Yeah, for some people knew me, but just I didn't know what else to say, and I wanted to get it off my chest kind of story, you know? It was one of those things. I just wanted to get it off my chest. That still haunts me to tell it I got left back.

Like, that's still, and for the reason I got left back, I didn't get left back. If I got left back because I'm stupid, I could live with that. I got left back because I fell in love with some fucking chicks, little skinny pussy that never, I was like, Lee, she never even gave it to me. I never even saw it. And I was walking around like fucking Johnny Gumbaz.

How old were you again? 12. 12, but I was 12, at least there at 29. Walking around cuddling and shit, and making believe like that's what people do. They want to cuddle. Some people like cuddling. Yeah, you're not you. Not when you're paying rent.

There's no cuddling, you know what I'm saying? When you're paying rent, you got to show the chocha. Do you think Harvey let you stay over and fucking cuddle? That's my favorite bit in comedy right now. Your Harvey bit is the funniest thing in comedy. Do you think Harvey will let you stay over? I'm not really modeling my life after Harvey, but... What do you think?

Do you think Harvey will let you stay over on this couch for free and your feet on the chair and fucking cuddle? What are you fucking crazy? That's true. He probably wouldn't. He had this robe on. Yeah, all of the advice you gave me for years, sounds a lot like advice.

Were you giving Harvey advice too? Fucked up. That's fucked up though. The other day I was taking a shower and I'm like, who would want somebody to watch you take a shower? How fucking crazy is that? Where was your head? Like, hold on one second, let me take a shower.

You don't want me to take a shower? As soon as somebody would say that to me, I'm out of there. See ya. You know what? No, and you're a fucking retard. I was taking a month. I'm washing my hair. I'm like, what would somebody think of watching

my fat fuck with soap running down his asshole doofy? What is wrong with these fucking people? I think they think it's going to lead to something else. Yeah, it's like they don't. Yeah, I don't know. So what's going on? I know you're a man of many scripts. What's going on?

You selling any of these fucking scripts? You're a cocksucker. You're worse than Nick DeToro. I just call him Nicky Pilots. That's his new name. Maybe we can get a new pilot. He's got more pilots than American Airlines. That's hysterical.

Nicky Pilots. Everybody got a new pilot. Yesterday, I had to tell him, you're the Nicky Pilots. Well, that's the great thing about stand up. That's why I love it. Because you don't need anybody else's permission. No, it's. You get out there and you get the immediate response.

You don't need to wait for this person to work. Let somebody else read this or no, you just go do it. And it's made me appreciate. Look, I love writing. I love coming up with ideas. I love all that stuff. But it's the only thing that's really done for me. It's made me appreciate stand up comedy more where I go, OK.

Well, the writing takes a discipline. I've been so busy with these shows right in the last couple of weeks, I haven't even written a fucking sentence in the book. I charged the computer up last night because today I thought my day was going to be different, but it ended up being completely different than what I anticipated. But I'm going to get back to just finish this fucking chapter and then decide which way I'm going to go with this. What I'm missing was the discipline I had then to write.

It takes a certain discipline. It has to fit into a niche. Yes. Like from now on, at this time, I'll do this to this. I'll do this to this, you know, and that's how it fits. I got to find the time to really fit it in every day at that specific time. Like Netflix is holding me up at so many fucking levels. It's pathetic.

I want to plan a tour. I want to do a bunch of things because I know that once Netflix gives me a date, I go all out. I hire a bunch of writers and I fucking go all out every night for 30 minutes. And then once that special shot, you won't see Uncle Joey till that special comes up. That weekend is when you'll see me again. There's no reason to go out with no material once you burned it on fucking TV. There's no reason to keep showing it to people who had just seen it on Netflix.

There's nothing worse than me seeing you on Netflix and then you show up at the same hour. Nothing happened. Nothing was accumulated. I wasted 30 fucking dollars. I want to see 30 more minutes. Yeah, I like that bit from there. Wish he does that, but that's it. Yes.

I don't want them and it'll be different. You'll have that. That destroyed me this last time I shot a special. I was going out there for six months flunkering. Yeah. I went old bids trying to steal from this, but here. Yes. I don't like that feeling.

I want you to see a full. That's why I don't go to every town, every eight fucking months. At least do not agents want you to do. Right. 16 months. I know in 16 months I'll have a new 40. Yeah. I might have an old closer.

I might have something in the middle you heard before, but I know. It's a new show. It's a new show. I'll be different. You'll be different. We'll all be different, but I can't do this shit that they want you to do now. That's not the way it used to be done. When I first got here, your year broke up.

You taped eight episodes of a 17th episode season. Those eight episodes, you didn't go anywhere. You went to the store on Friday and Saturday and you worked on your new material. Yeah. And then you shot your special and then you fucking went on the road to support the special. These animals have you out all fucking if it's all the time, three weeks a month, you know what? And then I can't write or I can't see my family.

I have to have a complete balance. Yeah. That's the difficult thing is like not just finding the balance with everything else you want to do with your time in your life, but just the balance to stand up. Because now I got to be honest. I feel pressure at the comedy store where like I started working new bits, but I'm doing the early shows on Fridays and Saturdays. I'm very grateful for the stage time.

But I want to do well every time I'm up there or else I'm not going to get a spot. I'm not famous. So I need to start finding little other places around town and start working stuff out because then I go out on the road and I want to give the people that the 20% of the people that are going to come out and see me. I want to give them something they've never heard before, something they've never seen before. I know it's like to open up for a comic two times in a row in a town and he has the same fucking set. And me as a feature, I'm going, oh, yeah, to the veredom.

I can't do that. You got to switch it around. Yes. You got to give them a different angle of your life and what you're seeing and what's going on now. And that's why I didn't like that whole thing. That's why I'm doing what I'm doing now. I'm pretty much smart.

Two shows in NIAC. You know, there's 20, 30 new minutes of material since you went back to see me last time. And then I move on. Now I'm not, I won't be back on the East Coast till November in New York. That's a complete different 30 minutes. Yeah, I might do 50, 20. You might hear it still. Finally, I sell it.

Gotcha. But I want you to see me in different perspective. You know, these fucking people want you to know. No, I'm just waiting on Netflix because those six weeks that leading up to it, leading up to the special getting released, I go on a writing spree. It's like getting ready for a fight. Just a book. Just a book and then a night going out with Lee and young guys.

I get this fucking special. It's not like I go to the store once a week with Rizzo, Johnny Rock, and I pay them, get rooms every night, new rooms. Let's go try on the material. Get the Agostino with a fucking tape recorder and Lee. Let's go. And between everybody, everybody comes up with a tag. And next thing you know, you got 15 minutes.

Yeah. And my own 15 minutes and a little fucking tie in. And you got yourself a tremendous Netflix half hour special. That's how you do it. That's great. And we're going to do an embedded series. So six weeks prior to the thing being released as footage every fucking Monday of us going to different places, me going to acupuncture, me going to a barfongue,

you know, the whole fucking deal, looking for excitement. That's smart. Man, without a plan is not a man, dog. And at every level, you have to have a plan. It's so weird. This is very inspiring. I needed this podcast. This is the part two, the one Rogan at David Goggins, the Navy Sea on there.

That got me like to do jitsu, taking cold showers, starting to run. Yeah, you got to get that. But now I'm going, all right, Uncle Joe, you're motivating me the same way where I'm going, what do I really want? How do I put together a game plan for it? I enter these emails every week. I enter these in the email. And it's really crazy how, you know, Joey, we like the podcast.

Joey, we don't like the podcast. Joey, why must you do this? Joey, why must you do that? But every eight emails, I get the guy that wants to be a star. And it really bothers me the way they talk to me. Every, for every eight emails that I get, whether it's on the Facebook messenger or whatever, one of those emails is a guy that's involved in a get quick writ scheme. And they don't understand that I used to have that mentality for everything.

That was my whole fucking life was hitting this fucking jackpot. But that never really happens. You know what I'm saying? You might get people some of the time, but eventually you're going to get fucking caught. Yeah. You want to earn your black belt. You don't want the Elvis black belt. God forbid you think you're better than you are.

Yeah. God forbid. And it's so weird how I get these calls from, you know, these emails from these kids. And they think it's just like that. And I know I look at this shit. I investigate a little bit. I know what they're doing. It's no big giant thing to me.

If they came direct to me, I would help them out. But since they come at me in a different way. And there was one kid that was fucking relentless for a while. Oh, he was a man of a thousand stories. Okay. He wanted Lee's job. He wanted to produce movies. He wanted an idea.

I mean, it was hysterical because- Did he even live in LA? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He did not live in LA. He got an animated series. He had, he was the man that had 20 ideas. But meanwhile, I mean, it was getting to the point where I knew he was going to ask me if he could even live with me.

Wow. Like it was one of those fucking morons. Like they really think, and from time to time, yeah, I like bringing musicians down here. And I like bringing rappers on here and a celebrity from time to time, whatever you assume a celebrity to fuck is. But from time to time, I just like bringing my friends down here. Yeah.

And letting them know what we're going through. So people at home know that, listen, we believe when we cut too. There's no fucking secrets here. There's no quick, quick red scheme here. This is 27 fucking years I've been doing this. And for 20 of those years, I've seen so many people fucking come and go. That had way more to offer than I did. I wouldn't say that.

Yes, they did. Yes, they did. They were good looking. They could act. They could, they just quit. They just gave up one day. The secret to everything's persistence. Before the fucking dream happened, they just gave up.

Like we're giving up. This is too much. You have to be gay to live in LA. They gave themselves that excuse. Right. That stupid fucking excuse. All fear. And just can't handle it.

No, it just fucks me up. You know, they could just, they don't understand that I saw all these guys before. Like, I love every show I go to. There's always three creepy promoters now. Hey, man, I got the show. By Saley, I'm not interested. First of all, I'm here to fucking do a show.

It's eight o'clock. It's calmly time. Why are you even talking business? That's your first fucking sign of amateurish. If you really had a show and then you hit me with a number that you're making as much money as I'm making, that's never going to happen either. Yep.

That's never going to happen. You might as well call it Bongo Jones because that's not happening with me. I'm getting most of that registry. You understand me? I'm taking that registry. Yep. You know why? Because when you're fucking dreaming of doing what I'm doing,

I'm doing it. I'm on Twitter tweeting, fucking stand up, grab your dick. Yeah. I'm telling you where I'm going to be three weeks from now. I'm talking to Lee about what guests to schedule when and how. This is 10, 15 hours a week and just doing this. Never mind fucking stand up and writing and performing. And who's late?

Who bumps you? You know, what plane doesn't go there? They have no fucking idea. Yep. You know, Lee's having a great time. When like I told Lee, I go, I don't have a fortune. I don't have a fucking crystal ball. I just know that you getting on stage is going to open up your eyes

to find what you truly love. So true. That's all I could tell you. That's the only fucking guarantee I could say to you. That's that you might 20 years from now, be the biggest filmmaker in Hollywood. And it's because you got on stage. That's what, and you'll go to me.

Yeah. But somebody will go, yeah, you know, he's a fucking asshole. Lee used to be a stand up comment. It doesn't matter. He got up off the couch and he did something. That's the thing to get out of your comfort zone. That's what you started the podcast with. Do that first step.

He went to Africa and ended up in Israel. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You didn't even get up. You just wanted a bitch. You wanted somebody to give you the slow ride on a fucking short ship. Yep. But meanwhile, you by you, the universe knows when you try.

There's something about the universe that really, really knows when you're trying. And unless you lived it, you'll never know that. You'll never know what it's likely to need $400 to make your $1,000 rent. And Steve calls you and says he has a $500 gig for you this weekend. And you get off the phone and you hang up the phone and you just go. And you go, how did that happen? And you know why that happened?

Because two weeks ago on a Sunday night, you had your beginnings of the flu. But Joey Diaz was doing a show on a Sunday at 10 o'clock. And you went down there and ate a bag of dicks. He put you up last to fuck with your emotions. And you went up there in front of 80 Yahoos and ate a bag of dicks. And then you went home and nothing happened. That's why you got that $400. It's not because you sat at home that night.

So every time you go to the fourth wall, every time you go to Valley College, every time you go to that place, I want you to do it like this and imagine every time card. And just go like this. Because I want you to know that eventually that check is going to come in the mail. And on the second half, I don't want you to look at that check and go, why is this check $10,000? Because you did this a lot. You did this so much over time that you gave up.

You gave up on even getting paid. You ever give up on getting paid? Always. Like you just give up. And what I'm doing is the motion of button your time, looking at the wall. Everybody in this fight that listens to this podcast goes to work every day. They look on a wall and you take that fucking card and you push it in. It's the same thing.

Comedy Star used to have one of those for all the employees before they had the computer assistant. Everybody does. So whether you get on stage, whether you go help somebody move, whether you go hold the camera for somebody for one day or hold the cord, all that comes back to you. So that day when you do get that $10,000 check, you don't think you're fucking crazy. Yep. And it's, you know, you earned it.

You know, you earned it. You know, you earned it. You know, you fucking earned it. Yeah. There's no shortcuts to anything. And you're becoming a better person along the way. Oh my God. The journey is.

It's everything. Such a fucking, you know, the other day I was sitting there going, how come I didn't end up a rapist? You ever think about that? Like you're sitting there going, how come everybody rapes people and they enjoy and they put that every fucking night I turn the news on and they're looking for a rapist. Every fucking night, you know, this guy, he's a rapist. So yeah, they, when you get to be 55, you start thinking about why didn't I become a Mason?

Why didn't I become an artist? Why didn't I fucking join the service? You start getting stupid shit like that when you smoke pot. And I'm watching the news and I said to myself, how come I never enjoyed raping people? Like, like fucking falling out of a tree and just sticking, smacking you and ripping your pants off and choking you and sticking my head. That is the most vile thing you could do to an individual.

And I thought about the first time I ever saw rape was Charles Bronson, Deathwish. That is the most horrible rape scene that you'll get to see as a young man. That I shouldn't even have belonged to that movie theater. They should have stopped me and said, you know, there's a rape scene in this. But I went in there anyway. It's a horrible fucking rape scene. And then the second time was maybe the outlaw, Josie Wells, and you, then I found out about my mother and, you know, you just think a shit like this.

Why didn't I become a rapist? You know, why didn't I become a lobbyist, a junior? But, uh, just weird where life takes you. And the journey of it is so fucking important. It's everything. I didn't make any mistakes in, in any of those places I went to early on, even when I bombed at the halftime of the Buffalo Sabre game that time. It came, I got paid for that.

Yeah. You get paid for all those stupid fucking gigs that you did. When you, when somebody calls you and says, hey, uh, come to the, you know how many free shows I did in Hollywood, how many free shows do you do in Hollywood? Constantly. Free, just free. Like free, like you. Constantly.

You pay eight dollars to park. Yes. You actually pay the park. Yeah. And your gas. And your gas to go help Steve Simone who's got a room at the Viper room. And then sometimes you show up and they won't even give you a free diet coke. Oh yeah.

No, no, no. You're like, wait, now I have to pay six dollars for this after I pay 10 the park to go perform for free for people that don't even want to be there for comedy. Lisa, you don't know how many times I miss like, like I got like, uh, like somebody says, don't pay your 50 bucks, but you go into them and you get sodas and like a sandwich and they hit you with a $22 tab and you're like, how embarrassing. They didn't even pick up the tab for the fucking cheese sandwich and shit. It's so, but if you really put the work in, you know, when I tell people all the time,

it's make Jagger set it best. You can get what you want, but you get what you need. If you come to me and you go, well, you know, I can't make a living on comedy. What's your rent? My rent is 1300. I can't live below those standards. And what's your car payment? You know what I mean?

I have a Maserati, you know, you're not going to work. You know, it's really weird. We talked about a couple weeks ago, you have to strip yourself down to nothing. And then you get like a little number on there. Like you figure out a way how to steal. You figure out a way how to flangle Steve Simone into renting you as couch for two weeks a month when you're in town. Yeah.

You pay fucking a hundred a week on the couch. And you're like, that's, but you're only making 1200 a month. So that's your car payment. You're not taking everything. You're driving everywhere. Like you're basically break, breaking even on the road. If you were on the road, your first year in the triple runs, you would make $9,000. That's what you would make.

It's crazy. 9,000 fucking bubble. Do you ever look back and go, how did I survive all this? Like I look back on some of those years. Some are going, I don't know how I did it. You gotta remember that. When I got into it, I had nothing else. Right.

When you have nothing else, when you double check everything, when you double check your catalog and you know, you go, listen, there is nothing else I can honestly tell you that I can realistically do. Yeah. Like what can I do? Okay. If I go to Wendy's to become a chef, I still got to wash dishes for six months before they make me a chef. Like everything I'm going to have to do, I'm going to have to pay my dues in the weirdest fucking way. Yes.

And I'm going to be a slave to what I do. But if I'm going to do it, I'm going to do stand up. And that means sleeping in my car, taking weird showers with weird people. You know, it just, I knew right away. Like it took me, I thought stand up was this weird thing from outer space. It wasn't a weird thing from outer space. It's, you got to roll up your sleeve times. It's, it's not this really weird picture.

I'm sure if Lee Sticks would stand up in a year or two, he'll go, I'm moving back to Boston. My friend said, hey, there's tons of room up the thing. I could stay with my mom, I could pay no rent, I could pay my car payment, my student loans are paying. I could do comedy in Boston for two years, nobody will see me. That's what comes to your mind when you're like, fuck this, fuck you. I'm stripping down a 650 a month, Jack. So all I need to make is 650 a month. And pretty soon you make 400 a month.

And then eight months later, you do make 650 a month. Then you start making 900 a month. And then there comes a time when you make a thousand a month and you're like, oh, shit. I'm fucking rich, Jack. This is like fucking stealing. Yes. It's exciting. Like I looked at my check from yesterday.

And it wasn't, it's not a lot of money to anybody else. But to me, I looked at it and I remembered I would have had to work 100 hours telemarketing, 100 hours at the gym, 100 hours at the pizza place, 100 hours at the comedy store. They get what I paid, got paid yesterday in half an hour. But you put the work in. That's what it was. That's exactly what I was thinking yesterday. I went, this is 18 years of hard work of not giving up.

Take away all the work just mentally, not tapping out, just saying, I'm done. Just not giving up. That's what it was. You know, the expectations that America has now and everywhere, we've lost that, you know, a union is for you, you know, all these things, we've lost them. Everybody wants everything instantly. I talked to Lee, Lee and I have had thousands of conversations about college and how he went. And it seemed like, you know, he'll tell you, he would have had the same career with or without

I'm missing right now. Yep. You could learn to add it online. You could learn through Apple editing and all this. I mean, there's different programs for what TV shows and stuff like that. But it breaks my heart that Lee Payne, he's a big fan of Apple, he's a big fan of Apple. My heart that Lee Payne's school loans because, you know, it's just. I still have them.

I'm in my forties and I still have school loans. You still pay them? Yeah. What do you pay a month? Well, because I'm poor. They adjust it for income, but it's still a hundred and something a month every month. What do you got left? Oh, you don't even want to know it's discussed.

I'll have a heart attack. They're going to charge off before I could pay them off. Because there were years when I was out here, when I was the Fat James years, I didn't have a car. I was working every day. You deferred them? I deferred them. Oh, so they just, yeah, just, yeah, it just keeps the interest and everything keeps on. Oh, yeah.

It's just a fucking nightmare. Yeah. Because they would have been as much as my rent in those years. I got it. And I was barely paying my rent. I just got, they found me after 20 years and hit me with a bill. And I got my attorney and said, this is what we're going to give you. If not, go fuck yourself.

And they took it. It wasn't, they didn't lose money on it. We just didn't pay a lot of fake. We didn't pay all the fake they wanted. But they, they've made me, they've made me heavy. They, they've made me, they did okay. Yeah. Like right now I'm, I'm paying like three times what I'm supposed to pay two and a half times

just to try to get it off instead of 15 to pay it off in 10. Yeah. It's, it's a hard thing to have over you. And I don't think people understand what it's like to start your life in the minus. That's bad. It's a fucking bad feeling. So you have to put away money to go to school or work for a year to really like keep yourself going.

It's just, it's, it's sort of too rough out there. You know, I have a dear friend that called a couple weeks ago and said, you're thinking of moving to California. I said, listen, before you move on here, I just want you to know that they're building whole foods around the corner, which means in a year Lee's going to come to me and go, I'm moving out of the studio city because I can't afford it. Oh, I want to move right now, but I can't because can leave. It's too expensive just to move in the area.

Just move, just cause it's like, just to be in the same area. No idea. I can't rents have done here in just the last four years. I told him I said, I said, I want you to know that I won't see you. You live in Woodland Hills where it gets 118 degrees in the summer. You, that's where you have to live right now. I thought about cause it's 2000 for one bedroom here. Yeah.

Oh, that's crazy. Yeah. No, Lee's in the studio. You got to be in the studio and bite the bullet and get an extra, there's no, this is all going to, and they're, they're not, they're buying houses to knock them down and fucking build apart. Who's on it? I don't know who can afford it because they know it.

They know that this area is about to boom. Once they put the whole foods in. Yeah, they do the research night night. They got the train station. They're building around the train station, all of Burbank after the holiday in, they're about to get fucking served. And no wonder my landlord doesn't want to fix anything. They're like, we'd love you to move out.

We would love you to move cause like right now I'm paying 14. So like, oh, we would love to be able to change 18, 19. Yeah, they want you to move out now. No, you might as well stay cause you're not going to get a better deal. You're not going to, I'm not unless you move. Paper thin walls sucks. Especially if you move all the way out to the edge of hell. What the fuck is that going to do for you?

Right. We're very fortunate. We're very fortunate. I'm so blessed. A bro, we're fortunate that we're in this area and that there's no fucking drama. Yeah. And what, are you going on the road soon, my brother? Yeah, I'm doing the just for laughs tour through Canada, like April 3rd.

It's me, Tone Bell, and I think this girl, Sarah Schaefer, seemed nice. I met her once at the ice house. So it's a bunch of comics I've never really worked with before. So I'm looking, and it's towns in Canada I've never been to. And you're doing, you're going to Denver too? Yeah. And then I'm going to be at Denver for Mother's Day weekend. And as you were saying, like changing up your act, I'm like, well, I got to do my mom,

some of my mom's stuff for Mother's Day weekend. I love Denver. You're still one of my favorite people in Los Angeles. I love you, Joey. It's always nice just to listen, man. Like I said, it's really great to get people in here, different people, but it's also nice just to get my friends in here from time to time. And we can just talk about what's going on.

And, you know, I thought that it was a little heavy with the El fucking son of Jesus the other day. So I wanted just to give us a little breathing just and after yesterday's podcast with the fucking, uh, we both, I got, sorry, again, my apologies to Wheeler Walker and my apologies to Lee. We got really fucking high yesterday. And like I said, I've been with you guys for six years. We had a fucking really bad THC accent yesterday.

Either those people are doubling up their edibles or our system fucking broke down. Either we got to work harder or they got to be on it or they're really on their toes. Can you call me at 530 in the morning smoking a bong hence? Oh, you're lucky because it was just one of those things. But anyway, I want to thank you. I'm going to be at Santa Fe, the casino down at Albuquerque on 4th, April 5th and 6th. And I'm also going to be at the Columbus funny bone with Kate Quigley for four motherfucking 20. But before I go, I got to talk to you people about something.

Okay, listen, are you hiring right now? I know you own a lot of you own your own business, but are you hiring posting the position to a job site and waiting and waiting for the right people to see it? That never works. All right. Zippercruiter knew there was a smarter way. So they built a platform that finds the right job candidates for you. Zippercruiter learns that what you're looking for identifies people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job.

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That's zippercruiter.com slash church. Zippercruiter is the smart way to hire. You understand me? Number two, I want to thank Anit for being there since day one, sending me goodies every month. They send me shroom tech. I get kettle bells. I get club bells.

I get the protein when they have it. And you know what, man? I feel better overall. I, my performance is better. My, my shoulders are strong. Everything's been working out. I can't get you a deal on the kettle bells or the club bells, but as far as fucking supplements are concerned,

I get your 10% off delivered right to your house. Go to Anit.com and look at the great selection of supplements that they have. The jerky, I mean, it just never ends with them. Or we'll be on in about two weeks and he'll tell you where they're going. Go to Anit.com and press in. Church, get 10% off delivered right to your motherfucking house. I want to thank my brother, my brother, Steve Simone, and go see him on the just for last tour of Canada.

I want to thank the Christ killer, Lisa. I want to thank that front that just came out of my ass. But most importantly, I want to thank new people for the love and the support that you're giving us. And we'll see you guys Monday morning with TJ English, the author of the corporation. Have a great weekend. Be careful.

Stay black. Uncle Joey loves you. Thank you, John. Thank you. I got to work harder. This is very inspiring. Now in the parking of the rock, we found the proper place. Just follow all the written rules you'll take into the space.

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