Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #570 - Michael Rapaport and Nick Turturro

Episode Date: March 26, 2018

Michael Rapaport, an actor known seen in "True Romance" and the host of the "I Am Rapaport Stereo Podcast" and Nick Turturro seen in "NYPD Blue" and "The Longest Yard", join Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:  ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 03/25/2018.  

Greetings from podcastville, and it's gonna be a good one. Yeah, this show is brought to you by zip recruiter Are you hiring? Every business needs great people and after this show a couple people's resumes Something better than posting your job online and just praying for the right people to see this is the one. It's gonna shut us down Yeah, zip for the new there was a my career. I'm close It's gonna fucking finish Shut it down Nick. Shut this fucking thing down. I'll be making sandwiches tomorrow. Hold on Now where zip recruiter knew that the smartest way fuck so they built a platform that finds the right job candidates for you

zip recruiter learns what you're looking for Identifies the people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job What I'm gonna do is this uncle Joey's in a good mood Businesses of all sizes trust zip recruiter for their hiring needs. So right now the family can try zip recruiter for free That's right. Gratis who gots on the arm. Just go to zip recruiter comm slash church that zip recruiter comm slash church Zip recruiter the smartest way to hire I want to give a shout out to my beautiful Chubby men and women who joined jujitsu and you join a full Fuji gi

Let me tell you something from the element to the say go to the super rattle with the one I got You're always gonna be safe when you're a fat fuck up on top They pull they pull they pull and Fuji don't fucking fall apart. All right Those geese are the real deal go to Fuji sports comm right now and press in church and get 10% off your order delivered to your house All right, and that's it. It's gonna be a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. Kick that fucking meal Lee. Oh Yeah, yeah, oh shit Oh shit What

What Monday morning you want action dungeons of wrap you got it Kick that meal Lee All the way hold on hold on stop that stop that right there play the closing song for fucking Nick Nick needs to get his blood I'm flying this Italian vino hasn't hit him. This will bring him back to his fucking days Is that my thing dancing in the third in the third grade? Oh shit. Here we go. Oh, yeah One more shot Pump it Oh, yeah

Here we go 17 In my room, baby. Yeah Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, feel it nice. I'm feeling one day the church what's happening that motherfucker Lee come on Oh Monday the 20 whatever it don't matter, baby. It's your day to grab your balls And let these motherfuckers know you're not fucking around Here we go you bad motherfuckers You got it you got it Michael rapper boy Nick tutorial the Christ killer

While I Move those shoulders Like totally in any ball Oh shit This is that's how you open up a fucking podcast TV shows Crazy You're gonna need Zipper crew to after this fucking show

I got no career I come here two days a week and I go on the road and crack stupid fucking joke I'm gonna start in a fire. They can't take nothing from me that Castro has them already done They really can't they really can't so come on. I don't give a fuck things happen You're gonna say things. That's the best thing about my podcast. I fucking hard file for bankruptcy What does that tell you I heart radio file for Humilistic to and humorless whatever the fuck what are you talking about? Why happen? Why because listen I didn't even listen when you go on fucking Twitter when you go on Facebook, okay? I want you to see what it says as soon as you click your code

It says what are you thinking? When you go on Twitter it says what's happening that doesn't mean Michael rapper ports having lunch with Leonardo DiCaprio, that doesn't mean you're doing jumping jacks. That means to tell me what's really on your fucking mind Times are changing now. Well, you know when you and I were kids We wouldn't have a dream of seeing Julia serving now you could tweet Julia serving every day Until he hits you back right and you fall off your fucking chair or blocks you yeah Cuz you're harassing your harassment you're harassing the doc. Did you get on this podcast? Not yet. Did you email him? You know Joe, I did that big three with him last summer and I was with these guys

ten weekends in a row I Couldn't everybody else I got it together with him. I can't I can't get it together with him. I Can't I can't I mean I I can't I can't I can't I can't even talk to that guy I love him so much That I can't I can't be normal with him. Me neither. There's a handful of people like I come on Ali You'd be normal. He was coming to see his daughter at the store. I left because I knew I would have a nervous break Yeah, yeah, who wants to do it Richard prior. I thought I saw towards the end and I cried on the walk past him as I did the sign of the cross and I walked past him

He was sick, you know, and I told him right out. It was it was it was you know those days It was the brothers who are the two brothers that did a range No, in fact, he was at the store Martin Lawrence is at the story at night the way in brothers No way brother way in but hold on give me a fucking minute here Jesus Christ. I forgot what brothers I was even talking about Comedians They did uh, what'd they do? He did the movie with Tupac and Janet Jackson where they go up But what brothers don't hit the I forget what the fuck his name is if you give me a chance

No, no, no, no, no, no boy the justice the actor Joe Tory the Tory brothers Tory brothers used to book Joe and guy Tuesday nights at the comedy store when I first moved here and one night They saw me at the lab factory. They put me up I go up in front of 400 black people for the first time in my life. I shipped my fucking pants Well, while I'm on stage, I got my composure Because Richard Pry was sitting in Mitzi's chair you saw him and I stopped but I was doing I said listen I gotta tell you something. I Was fucking listening to the white album thinking it was the best thing and my brother's my friend

You know when you go to your friend's house, and he's got an older brother He came out he goes, what's this pussy shit you listen to well He gets the Beatles he goes fuck that shit and he put now mom by the name of the niggas crazy And my head almost blew up like I ran home and got six bucks and went and bought that Then I bought was it something I said and then when my centennial nigga came out I bought that and I told him that I Said this is what you've done for my life, you know I had that option or the option of listening to that out But it changed my fucking life forever it changed how I talked

There's a kid that still calls into this podcast Rick Cannell that said my mom's still mad at you For bringing that out over here in the sixth grade like I brought that out more But you know so when you get to meet people there's certain people you own the business that you can't keep it together No, yeah, they wrote the first time the first three or four lines. I had one. I didn't know what was going on I had to live I had to get myself ready. Yeah, like you have that shit in a trailer like I was like I have to like just go out you gotta get past the guy, right? Like when you Maybe thing but first one was coupling. I didn't have to get past the guy had to come There was no time to get past it cuz you know how we feel about fucking Bob, right and you're working with him, right?

You have to leave your bullshit in the trailer from the first time you meet him. Otherwise, you're not you're not right Yeah, no, no, you're right. It's even John told me that when he did a color of money He says Corsese was like freaking out because he said to John. He was like, man Freaking out. I'm gonna direct this guy. It's Paul Newman. My brother's like, yeah, I don't know either I'm gonna act with him because it's Paul. No, it's fucking Paul Newman. Not only is he beautiful. Look at him That's Paul fucking Newman. That's like, you know, these are guys you grew up watching Like when I was working with Bert a little Bert Reynolds and I said uncle bird because we mean uncle bird I'm in my uncle. I just said something stupid just to break the ice because I'm looking what are you saying?

He was giggling. He's you're right kid. You're right. You're right. You know, you have to know at one level Whether you have an ego or not after, you know, if you did Did you ever said do you remember the beginning of the original long? Oh my god, he smacks a woman. He takes a car got it by the throat He's got a fucking throat fucking isn't Bert Reynolds. This is America's here right at the time, you know, right? I mean, I grew up. I came from Cuba and the first thing I seen was a majesty's secret service So I fell in love with James Bond, but once I saw fucking, you know, Charles Bronson and death wish You know, I was thinking about the I was telling Lady and I did a joke on stage

Charlie B. I was wondering why I was never a rapist like I never thought of raping somebody like that You know why because of that movie the first time well that image is I was such a young man They destroyed my fucking like I'm like that could never happen to this day. If you look at it is disturbed It's disturbing if you look at it is day even in the 70s somebody getting their ass spray painted And imagine somebody did that to somebody you love you would want to kill them you would yeah You'd want to fucking he fucked New York up. Oh, he really did He did but you know watch that movie now. It's like a different it's like literally like it's a totally different city Yes, it is. Oh, yeah, right. There's not the Bronx is the only thing that looks and Brooklyn still looks the same

They're different kind of people But the fucking trains the buses the cars the way people dress. It's not the same New York There's been a New York long time. I went to I had to go to a book signing Tuesday night And I remember driving past that place as a kid there was nothing but rats down there shithole 21 Battery Street his box You went down there to get your dick sucked like my people who were hemophiliacs Like they bled to death if you stabbed them with a needle or something now It was crazy. It was beautiful. You should have seen this place called the black hat Nick fucking Cuban joint by the upscale cigar room dance room upstairs or derbs people bringing

your shit Beautiful beautiful. It's a complete different New York fucking city. Totally different, you know, it's so weird how you have it cleaned it up They cleaned it up too much. No, they did a good job But it was supposed to do it. Listen, we grew through a thing called evolution. We saw things evolve Times Square wasn't dope like in back when you look back. It's not like that was a fucking place You went to to hang out when you went to Times Square. You went with your fucking head. I Went there. We used to play hooky and go there and I think now like I forget half the shit

But I remember going over there with a dude named Paris Pizzeriana and we went to a peep show And what and it was three types of peep shows It was a peep shows that the window window goes up and they were closed And there was the one that just had plexiglass and you jerked off And there was the one that the window just stayed up and you had fan participation The chick would come up to you with a stick that 11 guys sucked on 35 cents you let you suck a tit Oh, you'd be jerking off on your fucking thing as soon as you walk out a little Puerto Rican janitor comes in with a bucket

Oh with steaming water Down he just soaks it and there you are with your long fucking jacket standing there waiting to go in Well, he went into the one where the window opens And if you don't put it on the quarters and it closes quick He started sucking a tit that then closed on his neck. They had to call the ambulance, you know as we left Playing look if you can't get caught with this fucking moron He ran out of dimes who runs on the dimes in a fucking phone booth. You know, I'm saying like it for me. It was a I Don't know. I dug it. I dug that I told you on your podcast. I

Learned from the three-card Monty. I saw the scam I learned them everybody that you know Or a friend of theirs in 1970 got beat on 48th Street buying a bag of wheat Here's a bag five hours. Don't open it till you get down the block right cops are watching me You get down the block. It's a fucking bag of stems. Yeah, you learned lessons You learned lessons. I went to this thing in Glendale today parents thing and with their kids and They had a play area first off. I don't like alcohol and kids. You know what it was okay with me Because it was a different time when you grow we're growing up. We're the fuck you grew up Brooklyn Manhattan Manhattan

We ever the fuck you grew up when you walk Queens when you walk me when you walked in to see your dad at the bar They wouldn't say shit to you your dad would give you a soda with a fucking with a cherry I surely temple. Yeah, you thought you were Johnny bananas You were with a bunch of adults drinking a fucking thing. You can't I don't like that shit for me It was good. It worked for me You know I'm saying like if we were back in Queens and I needed to give you a message I'd send my daughter up to I'm gonna sit right here go up there telling Koniki to stick his head out Give him a note, you know something but today you can't do that. No, right? Well, they had that so they had a play area for the kids

My daughter's five. I've been watching her lately. The deal in the house was You got it from zero to five from zero to four and I take it from there That's your deal. That's my view of my wife And I'm sitting there with her and I'm watching and she takes these rings She goes around and collects all these rings and the poor soul. She's just like me. She's an only child So she lives in the world. She's playing with the rings. There's 20 kids around And finally she goes all the rings in the hole She takes three of them and some six-year-old takes the fucking ring and takes her for

And my daughter went to put her head down and like get depressed and I go whoa Take the fucking ring back, you know me. I'm old school. That's it I said mercy take the ring back and mercy looked at the girl the girl looked at me and the parent the father was 10 Feet away with the mother and mercy looked at him mercy grabbed the ring back. I got he goes That's no way to parent. You know, it's a doggie dog or I'm trying to raise a daughter here You know saying you do what you do. I gotta do what I gotta do. They just froze my wife White My wife he's no way to parent when he's when he stole the ring. Yeah, when his kids stole the ring

Then then I'm sitting there and I see this table I see this fucking table of these fucking fat women with dogs Do you know there's gonna be kids there? They each got two dogs in peace and the dogs start fighting and they got the French dude The one gay friend with the steroid it up with another pit bull there now they start fighting that I'm saying if this gets out of control I'm gonna go to the car get the gun and shoot one of these fucking dogs Uh-huh three fat women that should have been walking to Arcadia and back

They're sitting there eating pretzels and fucking drinking at the bar with dogs Nothing bothers me people when you have to bring your dog to lunch. I love my dog. I love my cat Right see me with a cage right lunch right fucking cat, right people have gotten out of control Dog at home people have gotten out of fucking control My fucking lunch and it's eight dogs two feet next to me with kids every I love dogs, too But this is a cafe. It's a fucking lunch in that You're fucking lunch in that I know you're fucking it's a dog still I mean, it's not a human being fucking Fucking dog away now. I know he's under the table. I got that bulldog. Now. He's always got his fucking face on my balls

It's bulldog. I love you didn't I didn't know that about this that Trump was from Queens. Yeah I'm from Queens same place that Nick Tutorio and the tutorials are from right think about that shit Well, he's Jamaica estates that which was a nice area maybe about 15 20 minutes We were in Rosedale the end of Queens But his dad Fred Trump my dad knew of him or knew about him because he was a builder my dad So he said Fred was like a tough tough You know tough freakin German some shit like that their name is don't that's their fucking name

They can't even come back to Queens. Their name is don't but he's right Imagine if somebody else anybody else was from Queens was the president of the United Cuz people think Queens is like Manhattan people think like sex in the city Queens is not Manhattan. No Imagine a president coming from Queens and that can't come back to Queens. That's crazy You'd be like if I made it to the president forget it Forget if you made it to the president on a TV show If you're on a TV show people Heroine Queens because it's not like even Manhattan where Mikey's from Manhattan has got status Queens doesn't have that kind of rep

You know, I mean, it's it's like the forgotten borough Queens the fucking Dodgers left New York Right, why because they didn't want to play in Queens, right? That's the truth They ran them out they ran them out because there was a fucking guy who had the that's how bad it was That's right the Brooklyn Dodgers who left town With the New York Giants you should be heralded. That's right. If you're from Queens, right? And he can't go back. Can't even go back to your own fucking place Trump goes to Iowa he goes to Florida. He'll go to Alabama. He'll go everywhere. It goes to Arizona with his First of all the elections over you won. What's with the pep rally? Yeah, why don't you come to Manhattan?

Why don't you come to Queens? You haven't been home since you won the election. You're a New Yorker You don't come to New York and see your own people. He's right. You should tell him that Mikey You should say you should come home have a pep rally in Queens. I don't see your fucking people, right come see your people We were you you know why cuz we know this fuck That's right. We know this fuck. We know him very well. Do you ever see him in New York? Yeah, I worked for him. Where at the same rates on the park when you were when you were the doormat man Yeah, when he met more than you sure Donnie I saw Donnie in the morning And this is when he was that's what you used to call him Donnie in the morning Donnie in the morning

He had long coat. He said it was uh, he said she was his niece But we all know, you know, we've got that. Yeah, we all know So Melania was his niece not Melania. This is Mala. This is going way back. This isn't the 80s Yeah, this is the late 80s It's uneven when I got on television. He kind of remembered me somewhat You know, he pretended to reason how you made it kid. You made it so proud of you Actually, I did the Drew Carey show with him I did the Drew Carey as my character from NYPD blue with him and Mala and he was hugging and kissing me

He was happy to see me. This was years ago on Drew Carey. We're in an episode together. That's crazy Me and Donald Trump whoever thought he was gonna win, but I told people I said I think he's gonna win I hate Nick weren't you here on the election night? I was here with you guys on election night You guys did the podcast our election. Yeah, not just not about election stuff. We give a fuck. I got families What are you talking about who wins? There's no difference to me. I can't vote when I gotta listen to you. Have you met a mic? I never met him. I saw him a couple times. I saw him one time in New York The first time puff daddy did one of his big parties because he's two small parties But he did a big one down at Wall Street. I think it was his birthday or some shit

And it was one of these like this is when parties started to become like events big Everybody was there Jeter was there Mariah Carey was there every fucking rapper every fucking actor white black and Dick Stain Donald was there and I remember But at the time you didn't think you didn't think much. It was just like oh, it's Donald Trump You like you didn't you gave him that name right? Dick Stain Donald. You created that one. I created that. It's a good name. It's good branding. Yeah I should be able to brand myself as good as I bring that fucking guy Hilarious guys Tutoro Joey Coco in the fucking church and the Christ killer and Buscemi sandwiches send up some sandwiches. Yes, Uncle Pete

Buscemi is the well the guy's guys partner Johnny Buscemi his name is John Buscemi Oh, the joint is Uncle Paul is that going all the time not bad little joint Beverly Boulevard. Nice It's got a New York a New York taste. Yeah, the potato salad's to die for good She's not the one I ate when Lee was delicious my little hunger I had why didn't you make any sauce Nick? You knew we were coming. Yeah, so he had sandwiches And so I didn't want to overkill it with the sauce next next time. We all make I always bring it in I have meatballs These guys love it. I got the dip. No shit. I know you like that sauce. I'll eat that fucking sauce. It's a good source, right? Oh, yeah, I

Was gonna make some bombs, but I didn't make some what bombs, you know with the blue cheese you guys tasted it with the Blue cheese in the middle. Oh, they're like hand grenades. It's a tutorial thing. It's like a fucking zeppelin with Zeppelin with a little blue cheese. You couldn't make any of that for me, Nick Just what you need for the heart. I want to take care of yourself, right? We put it to those fucking we both need to drop a little bit. I've been on the drop. You have yeah You look good. It's got to keep keep the going to the gym. Are you exercising a little bit? What do you mean a little not enough not enough, right? We got it now. Have you been I? Have to I slacked off because I'm in meniscus, so I've been healing up for my tour your meniscus

Yeah fucking thing took a long time to heal no joke, but it shave it down Everything's going on me my eyes my eye. I had a cataract a year ago. How old you know? 56 55 things are starting to fucking wear out. I wish I could trade this body in I really gotta start doing you every you gotta start doing shit man. You wake up you feel like a truck can't get out of bed, right? I do everything I could do I do everything I could do I drink water. I do everything I could do Acupuncture I froze yesterday. I go to the cryo therapy. Do you Is that what did what did you think of that? Let me tell you something. No, or is it just bullshit? I went in there to month Friday when I got off the plane jet bloom and laid down the whole time

Got up just to piss that type of shit Got a three-hour night sleep the night before I Got off the fucking plane. I took a shower. I didn't even eat You know how you feel after that fucking plane ride from New York? No matter what you did doesn't matter for Listen, I went up to Ventura and fucking the pangolin. I went over to that cryo therapy and I jumped in there After the flight three and a half minutes It's like fucking being a new man. Is it really? Well, what is it? What is it? Do me a favor?

Just go after you fly Go the next time you get off a plane Look it up on the thing. What is it the freeze shit? They free we should go together you and me you put your favorite song What's your favorite song name it? Boom. They got it. Wow You put a fucking robot. Oh, they they they encourage you to put a song in to sort of keep you like sure You put your shorts on you put your own socks because your socks will be sweaty They don't want nothing to be sweaty. Oh, it's hot If you come in the gym and you're underwear gonna be sweaty bring another underwear because it's cold

So you're not so fucking freeze So you go in there you put a robe on you put mumps around your ears and you put a cap on and The whole patois the thing is to shock your body. How cold is it hurt 200 not for a second What you got to do is as soon as you go in there you take the robe off and you hang it up You start throwing punches. Oh, you know, they're putting in fresh oxygen. You're breathing out of your nose real soft I don't want you to be the raging bull. Just do punches and then Look half raises and then do squats squats in the thing in the thing. It's good for what does it feel like?

It's cold. I mean you're fucking freezing. How long are you in it three minutes and 15 seconds and Every minute they'll go two minutes and you just keep moving any exercise you could do in your house Just to stay when just to stay warm to lumber up to make the muscles move Move a little bit and then when you get out of the fucking thing They text your temperature and your body drops 30 degrees and now your body has to naturally warm himself up again All of a sudden do I believe in the scientist? No, but you got to try this shit. I'm gonna try it. It's keeping people alive. Let's mean you go You know, yeah, do we do we get nude together me and Nick?

No, no, no, you stripped down to you But you know, you came in here before and said you had a little trouble last year. Yeah, all you're gonna do Was pick yourself a fucking I'd rather you go to a fucking hacky punctures and give them four weeks of your time Then take whatever prescription they're gonna give you I Went to cupping, you know, these fucks burnt my fucking back. Well, some people are fucking average. What's that? That's when they put fire on and then you know, the cups, you know, it sucks And I went to one it was good and then I went to another one. It was good. I went back to her and It was like fucking blistered me up. Why did you go there? Well, yeah back trouble. No

It's good for circulation. Oh really? Yeah circulatory problems. They got I got inflammation Nick Yeah, you pop everything you cut between your legs you cup your nutsack you cup your back and calf You ever get cup Nick? And what they do is if you go to a sports If you go to a sports one, they move it around back and forth on So that's how they keep moving it and it looks like somebody gave you a hickey. Really? You see a lot on the olympics and stuff they have it on their backs like the swimmers and stuff What's the big thing? It's a big thing for circulation. You know the chinese people listen They live forever those cocksuckers. They know they're thin. There's something to be in thin

You never got cupped. No, I never got cupped Even all your years nobody took that little hand. I had a bulging disc. I had two epidurals. That's what I had You ever have a fucking epidural? You see the devil, don't you? All right? It hurts like a mother, but I took the Michael Jackson drug And then uh to give you the epidural fantastic Propadol the best fucking drug. Did you feel this and even with that you get paid? I want to like no, no, you're right. Do you have an epidural your back issues bulging disc a couple years ago I could I bent over I couldn't get up. I was locked. So I said to my orthopedic. I said, what do I do?

I said, what do I do get me out of because you want to get out of pain? Yeah, that's what I've been coming to you for I said, you're gonna get me out of fucking pain because all right. I'll send you to a pain management guy You gotta be careful. You could turn into a junkie. No, but I had to have the epidural and then they said you want to have the Propadol I was laying on my back Michael Jackson. Yeah, you're out like in 10 seconds They go you're gonna be right out 10 seconds. I said really? 10 seconds you'll be out I said really and then I woke up And I was balling crying, but I heard you. Yeah, but I had a beautiful dream

I like saw like I was in a beautiful place like very happy Very melodic because I scream in my sleep. I'm told Curse I say a lot of things Have a lot of magic. I have a lot. So I woke up Joe. Can you imagine waking up to nictoturals screaming at you? No, it's bad. I would be fucking. Yeah yells in the sleep. I yell a lot of shit Yankee stuff You yell Yankee shit. I heard listen when he goes to bed and I say like sexual things too And if the Yankees lose me I say, you know, that's what I heard. I don't know If the Yankees, yeah, yeah, if the Yankees lose what I heard. I'm not sure if the Yankees lose

It's like watching narcos and going to see I have a door. It's always like those and going to sleep Yeah, you have dreams you're fucking shooting people. Yes rubbing it over people So he goes to sleep if you ever watch his tweets There's always a blame for who lost the Yankee So he goes to bed angry at that person Then the top of all if he hasn't gotten his dick sucked in three weeks You know I'm saying he's about to fucking die blue bloods ain't calling them back. Can you imagine when he says this fucking sleep? That's why I got to take a wild calm down

You know, I mean after the game. Yeah, I need time to like relax and unwind and Do a regular season games or some some games not every game. It's a long season. I have to pace myself I can't fucking burn out over every game, but I have my moments, you know I have my moments once the once the fucking chips get real with yeah, then it's August you you're a different person. No, he's not normal. No you take it more Deep and more serious than the fucking if I if I call you and I say to you listen I know it is a check and two Puerto Ricans with BB guns And the checks got 50 g's cash over there be there at five o'clock

And I tell you there's a Yankee game at five o'clock I could count on you to be there for the Yankee before the 50 g Absolutely, this is how fucking bad it is with you But that's why I love you because you're the last of the Mohicans Michael Rappaport a few questions for you Which seems fucking odd to me especially in this world But also makes me realize where you're from and why I've always loved even just from watching in the movies It didn't take a fucking genius to knew you were a wild man

There's a lot of actors in your position right now. I'm saying and uh, you're still up there. You still work constantly A lot of people in your business and your level right now would keep that fucking mouth shut What makes you the funniest fucking guy? When I read you attacking Johnny Manziel When I wake up and I go on your page and I see the Johnny Manziel shit And I'm smoking dope and it's 5 38 in a moment And I'm on my second cup and a half because I only do like a cup and a half I fill it up twice, but I'm a cup and a half

I'm fucking a howling Most actors wouldn't say nothing except You know, god bless the victims of the las vegas massacre and everything that you want them to hear Well with the fucking man's else shit Specifically he you know, you heard about this thing with barstool. I was with barstool These fuck I don't know. Barstool sports barstool sports And I don't even want to give them the satisfaction of being mentioned on this because this is like This is like the real McCoy here

I went nick tea and Joey fucking Diaz on the church for my first time and the flying Jew And the flying Jew That's right They fucking talk about these fucking barstool Saturdays for the boy those guys Saturdays for the boys How come you're working for those Saturdays for getting some pussy? That's right Saturdays for the fucking boys the boys Fucking pussy when my podcast was housed there. There was no working. That's what I was doing there podcast just like Where's your podcast Joe right here? No, but it like is it what what network is it on right here? You're independent

Yeah, we're independent. See good. Okay. I'm my fiddle caster. I don't work with nobody except the russian Man the prescription or a pair of shoes have price Whatever forget the going down that road manzel Sort of sided with them publicly during this barstool shit and I'm like I've always defended manzel Give me a chance all uh, I never really cared that much about him either way I didn't have a problem with him But like when he was in cleveland, I was like I want him to find a way when he started fucking up I was I felt I was like this fucking kid, but

Three weeks before he started talking, you know before he sided with barstool. He was on Good morning america. I'm a changed man And I've I have bipolar. Well, when did you get diagnosed? Oh about june or july motherfucker? If they if they diagnosed me as bipolar, I remember the date and the time June or july, you don't remember nothing about the drugs nothing about all this. He's a change man And then two weeks later you're talking shit about me michael rapaport when you're trying to get in the nfl You're you're a want to be professional quarterback. I'm a actual professional shit talker. This is what I do This is my superpower. You're your superpower was being a quarterback

My superpower is talking shit and making people So you're just on your tour and you're gonna come you're on your fucking your your white privilege apology tour And you're gonna try to talk to me you fucking you fucking Crack head and I have no problem like like you fucking clock head go go steal some fucking some hubcaps you fuck Go go go go. Give me one of your jerseys I'll sell you back one of your jerseys that you signed you fucking junkie. You're talking shit to me Me you're trying to get in the nfl You shouldn't even have a if you're a changed man

And you you've been through all the shit and the embarrassment that johnny man's uh, you shouldn't even have a twitter account Let alone go after me. What do you say? What do you say? What did he say? He bought this fucking shirt. They sold these fucking shirts on barstool that imply i'm a clown and he bought one I'm a fucking clown. You're a clown. You're a fucking coke head, right? You're a foot. You're a fucking pill popping Bass old sniffing mother fucker. I don't give a fuck up johnny football, right? Johnny fuck up. Is your fucking name? Yeah, that's a good one. You johnny fuck up So so that happened like I never I never thought twice. I never had anything again johnny man. So

But but but coco. This is what we do. We talk shit. I'm not a football player. I'm not a basketball player My superpower is talking shit, right? Maybe you don't know that because you're from the stick somewhere I don't know where the fuck you've been. This is what I do. You didn't look me up You didn't wikipedia me. You don't know my reputation. This this is what I do So you want to come at me? No, you fucking junkie you fucking clock head. Go get some fucking hubcaps Okay, and i'm gonna sell you back your johnny man's l jersey. Okay that you that you had to sell Because you ran out of money because you're taking too many fucking pills down there in tampa or in vegas in a blackout

The next time johnny man's l will ever be dragged the fuck out of somewhere. It's not gonna be off a football field It's not rudy. You're gonna be dragged out of a club. You fucking clock head. Don't talk to me He still gets fucked up like that. I don't know now. He says he's sober and he's sober. I'm your sober He's a change man. Then stay off of twitter, right? Stop trying to bring me now You're buying a shirt and playing at me michael rapaport is a clown Fuck you right cowboy Fuck you this guy's Fuck you you fucking cowboy. Let me ask you a question

When you go on these movies and tv's do people pull you aside and go michael We've been going through your twitter account. Not yet. I've never had anything like that and your uh And your uh Periscope and please you have to tell it down a little bit. It hasn't happened. You know what it is joe It's like there's two. There's two. There's two Mees in terms of professional life. There's there's me as a regular person And and there's me as an actor, right? So you go to work that i'm a i'm a gun for hire or whatever the fuck and then Since I sort of you know, I started podcasting and social media and like stuff where i'm sort of being myself

A version of myself. There's that person and then hopefully they differentiate they understand that the the the social media michael raport and the and the and the Podcast shit talking michael raport is like it's like almost like a stand-up comedy. It's like i'm a comedian It's like a a second incarnation. It's just It wasn't the first thing you found at first. I started as an actor and then like wait a second You're michael rapaport the human being right your michael Rackaport the actor And you're also michael rapaport the fucking social fucking savage of death that you are right you found the voice right

And you know, it's so funny. Look at the people Let's say seinfeld happened during now right and each character had a podcast each week talked about their life You know, you just wouldn't know The chubby dude is being the chubby dude right and once that tv show up to seven years goes off the air michael rapaport still retains 75% of those people that were watching the tv show Even though the show is off the air. We live in such a different world totally different, but that's for people who go on

rap Tell you what you want to hear. I don't give a fuck joe. That's what i'm saying I mean, I give a fuck. I don't want to sack like I don't give a fuck because I care You know, I'm a nick knows me a long time. I'm a I'm a I'm not a tough guy You know, I think people that are not from new york They they think like the way just simply by the way like nick I know nick doesn't think he's a tough guy But simply by the way he talks people go you think you're a tough guy or just because the way we talk and like

They see good fellas. They see sopranos and they think that but this is how new yorkers talk We have we we we sort of punch when we talk even if we're not talking shit like it's just sort of so so I I give a fuck About what people think about me if they know me But as far as like my my shit talking about Manziel or we're talking about like social stuff or political stuff Like I've never talked about like when i'm talking about sports that you have to understand that's bullshit

Like if I if i'm sitting there saying lebron this lebron that you don't think I know that lebron james is one of Watching on tv throwing tremendous argument I'm talking about the fans though like sometimes they think you really think lebron sucks I'm like no you actually think that I actually could sit here and say what astralia is lebron It's like tom brady. They get so offended. I go of course. He's the best quarterback No, but deep down you know that you know lebron is great. We all know anybody that knows you know It's just like red stuff. You're just arguing. You're just arguing you're talking shit and and if you're if you're if you're a Giant's fan. I'm I'm I'm genetically programmed not to root for the patriots

It's just like you know all the great red socks, but you're never gonna sit here and go. No, I love him No, you want him dead you want him to lose michael jordan when he came to the garden joey When he was killing the new york nix you think I was one of these people applauding yay Fuck michael jordan. I want to be mike. I wanted to bury fucking mike exactly dog Do you remember the first time he went to the garden? He also had a cover benard king. Yes, and benard king was fucking him up. Yes, and we'll put the footage on I think there's footage on there. Yes benard king was no joke. No, no, no, that's why you were not I am benard benard is the real deal biggest benard. It's julius

Or I mean benard was a motherfucker took the nix seven games with nobody. Listen, they caught him in jersey A sleeper the car with cocaine on his shirt. He was ahead of his time with that They shot him to golden state And he went out to golden state and he fucking went bananas And he became the comeback player of the year out there. He just went a walk Right, like he just went to a different level out in golden. He was sobered up and playing sobered up and playing Then they brought him back somewhere to the nix from golden state right to the nix And he just became there's a machine. What about the week he killed the Celtics and somebody else with 60 points

He did something somebody Unstoppable unstoppable. Yeah, he had that fucked up injury slowed him down and then he came back from that But when jordan once he figured it out, it was over forever. It was on jordan. It's just that's a thoroughbred I knew jordan was going to be a savage in college when I saw him His freshman year or something. He was daisy. Yeah, but did you know he was going to be that? No, you can never know No, no, but I knew he was gonna I I knew he was going to cause damage his sophomore year I saw him slam. Yeah somebody with this shit and I went, uh, we're gonna have a problem with but but I I mean Well, but with Mikey, you know, there's nothing malicious if you know, you know, Michael Rappaport

He's a passionate. He's a fun loving listen trash talking dude But at the end of the day the guy ain't a mean guy. He ain't got a mean bone in his body But there are people that he's right. They think you talk a certain way You look a certain way and they'll say that guy's fucking mean. I've had people that say that about me like Yeah, I'm like, no, no, no, you don't understand me. I'm not mean. I'm not I'm just saying you don't understand and they think that you think You're a tough guy. I think you're a tough guy because oh you think you're tough because uh the way we speak It's just simply the way we speak. That's it. It's like saying like, you know, it's like it's literally like it's like if cowboys Like if you like it's like prejudice like if we were like going, oh, this guy with a southern accent

He's dumb. We just assume because he talks like this. We think that's it's the same thing It's the same sort of like say whatever The shit talking is a shit talking. It is what it is. But he's always been doing that. I've always talked shit He's always been nick met that way when I met him and I've been arguing with people. I've had death arguments But but you know if it's a good argument. It's a good argument. I like it. I like a good argument if it's legit Right if it's legit and it's like you got some value You know, you got some credibility if you can argue then fucking argue you want to talk sports. You want to talk specific All right, then let's get specific

Yeah, but otherwise if you're full of shit, I'm not gonna argue with you if you want to fuck. What the fuck right? Hey, dude. Yeah, I'm gonna fuck you. You don't know what you're talking about. Here's the here's the big thing You're not you're talking about right now I've had two troops. I'm working with two sets of riders We start pitching next week blah blah blah blah blah blah I have this podcast here And I come here for twice a week And you know what sometimes we get stoned and sometimes we don't depending on who the guest is

And we we say some outrageous shit. I'm mostly you okay. Yeah, I say jojo doesn't fuck around I say some outrageous shit. I'm here. He doesn't fuck around. You have to go What what would I do what would at what even if I sell a show What episode are they gonna come to me and said hey You made a a thing on your show about some woman's asshole And we got a thousand people who were mad how long is this gonna last? Yeah This is for me You know, like I said, all right, all right file for bankruptcy. I didn't know that the other people file for bankruptcy

Because this is what people want it all along. You hear this conversation. We just had people would pay for this conversation I'll say one of the good things about trump and and and and One of the very good things about trump is he made it so he's made it so he's made it okay To have said anything you want. So when we talk about oh, you said a asshole thing or I said this Like it's like, okay. Well this fucking guy is doing it. He's doing it daily, right Well, at least he's taken that away. I know that's a good thing It's because because you could literally like think about think about it's been a year

I can't even I could rattle off a few things but like there'd be 10 15 20 more things where you go No president could ever he's he's he's trumped himself time and time again with the shit that he said While he's been president let alone before he was president He's got these fucking broads coming out weekly What every fucking week there's a new broad. Yeah, but you know what the amazing thing is they've never gotten them You know, I mean even with these he's really like the he is the teflon I tell you one thing about trump you gotta give him credit because he's an animal. He's a fucking ass savage

Savage better than like a gangster. I mean everybody's a gangster in their own way. He's the real deal, but he's a real He's a real gangster and there's something to be said that he hasn't been nailed that they're looking to get him They're looking the russians and now broads. I don't think they're gonna get him. I think they're gonna do Here's the beautiful. I don't think they're gonna get him. He's going down. There's too many things I'm telling you. I I think he's gonna last the four years. You think do you think you think he'll physically last This guy, I think he I think he'll I don't think he'll drop has no remorse No, but do you think like I'll be totally honest with you? There was a couple of times I was like, I think this guy might fucking drop dead during a fucking like like one of these

These speeches and then I was like, no, it's got a lot of energy. He's a savage. Mike. He's got 70 something years He's up all night. He when he did that from tweeting all night when he did that speech in Alabama The the Colin Kaepernick get up off the field you son of a bitch. I just happened to be why I don't watch all these fucking speeches I'll watch the highlights. I just happened to be was on 515 in la on a friday And I watched the whole thing when he was down there and he said, you know and these football players You know, I want to be like get off the field you son of a bitch. You're fired. I watched the whole speech. It was 85 minutes Not one time. I swear to god. You could fucking fact check this

Now one time joey imagine you're on stage for 85 minutes imagine you're doing this podcast for 85 minutes Now one time did he take a sip of water? He wasn't sweating and he didn't take a sip of water for 85 minutes And I was like, that's an animal Just think about that. If you do a set for 85 minutes, you're sipping water Oh, you're fucking thirsty. You're sweating. Fuck. Where if your podcast and we're going through waters I was like this guy might have gotten his like saliva cans the cleanse removed. He's a savage He's like a like he's like a crocodile. You ever spend like around a crocodile. They're like these are prehistoric animals He's a savage

You can say what you want about him and go down there But I'm just in terms of like the stamina and then not giving a fuck And and you got to give him his prompt. That's what I'm saying. Like I respect it. He's a fucking beast I don't agree with it. I don't like it. But just in terms of a personality and then the Fuck the rappers, right? This motherfucker. He's like fucking fuck the world. He doesn't give a fuck He doesn't give a fuck, you know, he's got a point there. You gotta you gotta tip your cap Animal animal. Oh, no, I sit here, right? I sit here and you if you want a sip of water 85 if you watch world news tonight

The first 15 minutes Is about him and I think that he even plays The american public like I think he's at this point. He's like watch this Like, you know what? He's just got three people going to watch this. Yeah, like he got that chick That chick looks like donnie and marie went off neutrosystems The chick he sends out there that poor Sarah that poor woman. Oh, Joe. I don't say why do you I don't say poor woman Let me tell you something. I don't care. They got to give her at least two million a year for that job. They do Okay, she's an animal too. She oh, she's a beast but but but but you know, I don't a fucking beast beast

But I'll say I don't doesn't give a fuck either Sean Spicer Scarimucci and her and anybody around him Jew face Jared and I'm Jewish His fucking two punk sons his wife his daughters anybody around him that that they're they're they're they're they're play They could all suck my fucking dick because they're all guilty. Those are the nazis around hitler Sarah sanders is a fucking she's just she's just as responsible as the fucking people that kept things quiet For hitler that piece of shit scarimucci like those bar stool fucks

This is I never said this publicly when they had scarimucci on their podcast and they treated him Like a fucking hero. I knew I wasn't gonna last there I was like you have this guy on your podcast and you don't hold him to the fire You don't like you they're treating him like he's the pie paper. This piece of shit scarimucci This fucking scumbag. I don't care that he came in there. He's talking shit Like if unless scarimucci is gonna write a book to bring this piece of shit down get the fuck off of my podcast You're not a fucking hero. You're a fucking scumbag showing spices a scumbag Cock-eyed kelly ends a scumbag scumbag

And sarah fucking off the beat She looks like a fucking bouncer at a club She looks like a fucking bouncer. She's a goon She could kiss my fucking ass too. You're all accountable as far as I'm concerned Jew face jarrett that little pipsqueak who doesn't speak That fucking jew never heard his voice. He makes me sick to my stomach. He's a jew He's he's a practicing jew his his grandparents are nazi holocaust survivors Oh my god, like they're their stories in the in the holocaust museum. I listen to it

And when when when his father imagine your father-in-law Your your your family has your mother your grandmother and your grandfather who he knew they lived long nazi holocaust survivors they went through the they went through it And your father-in-law sits there after he's got these white people throwing up hail hitler signs says there's good people on both sides Oh, boy, get the fuck out of here. J jared kush. You don't say anything about that. You're you're a fucking piece of shit He's the kind of jew That makes i'm jewish. I can he's the kind of jew that makes jews look bad. He's a fucking jewish stereotype You don't say a fucking word your father-in-law says there's good people on both sides and these pieces of shit

Tiki towards fucks are throwing up the hitler sign the hail hitler sign and you got nothing to say and your grandparents Saw atrocities that people shouldn't see in their life. You have nothing to say kiss my fucking ass That's why I can't stand them that jew face jared Bravo Fucking bravo. Michael rapper put putting like it is nick. That's so fucking real. That's you got nothing to say about that These fucking guys are throwing up Break their fucking arm off. That's fucking it's gonna be a big night for zippercruiser tonight How you feeling? I need to sag insurance is good. It's been good to me for all these years. I've had it. You're vested

You're vested right zipper. Yeah, yeah, they can't do 30 years Yeah, they can't do dignity. All right. You're vested. We need that shit now. I have to for each of you to go to arizona I'll be in arizona You gotta hit 10 years 40 45 years old And you've been there for 10 years. Oh, yeah, okay level two Unless you okay jack. All right level one every where's it cheap to live? Like where should I move after this podcast comes out? Where do you want to? I don't know. I'm trying to find a cheap living. You know, you know, arizona v

Go, you know, you know and know what we're buying here cuba At this point, they're not commies. I love it. They're not commies. I couldn't go married though Yeah, you can I'd lose my the women gorgeous. I don't know. I haven't been there since I was three. I left with a heart on though No, uh, they gotta be beautiful. Yeah, it's a different type of fucking it's a different type of savage. Yeah, it's different I they have to be I would just I want to go. We should go to cuba I'm trying to get my passport back now. I gotta pay a $10,000 fine in seattle You can get it, right? Why seattle because I got into a fight up there warrants

When I came down here, I was supposed to go to anger management class, but it was how many years ago. Is this 1997 Are you sure it's 10,000 still 10,000 fine and see you need your passport Joe You gotta get it. Let's just probably comedy on the fucking road for you out of the country My cousins own the fuck to ria. That's a big club in cuba But I'm saying like you must be big in australia. Like apparently you know Australians they love they love Yeah, they love it england england. They want to hear me You gotta pay that 10 g's and go worldwide. Right. He's right. I'm gonna go to england first

Get that back go to island see the motherland Go to all those because from what I hear australia. They love podcasts. I love comedy. I can't wait to go to china Fucking shit in the hole in the floor old school. China where you open up your butt cheek a little hand comes out Really shit, right? I don't know. You know, I got the colitis. Yeah, you have the colitis the 405 is It's it's a freeway to some people at times a public fucking bathroom to me Like nothing you pull right over Like nothing and just open the car door and kill over. I mean, I don't want people to see me best I could do it but years you had that colitis because I'm 17. It's great now all sort of colitis right now

It's good. It's good, right? But when it's a flare up if I have to go I've tried not it's not my choice But if I'm on the 405, there's no starbucks. There's no diner around. I can't get up. I pull right over Right right there boom boom. It's quick. I got it down to a system. It's being done. I'm not proud of it You're going to the weeds. No Well, I do I don't do the weeds. I do a three-point system. Nick. What do you do? So I face out so I take one door, right? I open the front door I open the back door you hide in the doors. I'm looking this way so I could see if somebody sees me, right? There's a three-point system. I'm blocked here. You can't see me here. You can't see me

I see you got the package if you're right in front of me and you can see me. I won't shit So now I know the car's behind me. I got a door here. It's a three-point system. I patented So you got it down to a science down to a science is the three-point public Shit system. I got it down to take a solid dump It's either a solid or it's usually like a like a like a blast from the past a blast But it's not like a long thing. It's like if you got to go it's like a And I'm not trying to gross to be well I gotta go I gotta go and then I but it's a three-point system

You want want to make sure because you don't want to get filmed talk about lose your career No, that's bad. You don't want to someone to see you a surveillance on the side of the road Yeah, I mean I took on 25 30 years ago in a parking lot, but that was because I was nervous and I had I thought I had a flight at night or some shit. I was But can you imagine tmz? Yeah, and they like they see you like oh, did it did it? Yeah, Michael and they show a videotape of me That'd be bad. I'd be humiliating You like to piss outside, right piss is fine. That's nice, right? If you're shitting outside like an animal That's more animalist a couple times. No, but I'm saying imagine it's on tmz. No, it's bad

But what are you gonna do? You have a brother you if somebody tapes you on tmz. Yeah, all you gotta do is listen I'm not an animal But we've all had situations when you just can't make it through a bathroom right, you know Yeah, I didn't choose to do you think I was proud that I you caught me shitting outside I'll be careful because everybody's I have a three-point system You got that three-point system. I got anxiety at the comedy store one night Can I sell ads on the show for my three-point system? I like that. I had anxiety at the comedy store one night And I left there without going to the bathroom

And I low-canned you guys on the way up the hill My car was stinking like a fucking blonde yard I was about to shit, but everybody's doing nothing doing farting It had to be 11 30 at night and right there passing Ventura and lower canyon as a bank. Yeah I went right behind the bank I pulled over right I opened up the door The three-point system. You didn't even know you were doing the three-point system Healed over and what came out of my ass was pure

It was like 17 inches. There was peanuts in the fingernails Paper towel And I threw it on top of the thing and I shut the door and I'm like my stomach was hurting I took off and I called Lee and I go Lee. I just shipped by the bank And let me tell you something I went to the next day to look at that animal because that's the type of dude I have if I run a if I run over yet and I come back come back and take a look Let's take a look what happened. It was gone. Was it they came in sandblasted it like the people must have like somebody Cleaning somebody clean. It was I can't go to that grocery store anymore. It's across the street. It was animalistic

Oh, you know, I'm a comic. I lived in a car. Yeah, when you're driving eight hours you when you got to go You got to go. Yeah, so I shit wherever fuck TMZ It's not that you do it full time. I'm not I'm not proud of it I'm not bragging that I had to sit up a how great would that be to be like in the neighborhood should Just shouldn't fill in people's houses every day. There was that woman and leave a note There's a woman in Arizona You ever have to run like for your life to a bathroom happened to me one time in jersey I was running and I wish I could make it there. No, I'm saying you're running and I had diarrhea

And you you think you made it to the stool, but then you come out of there and it's coming down your leg and Fucking bad. I had one time from eating these terrible crabs These Filipinos got me sick man. Watch what you fucking eat They put you to death No, I don't like that situation of being out and having to go to the bathroom You don't then you got to run your neck of sweating when I fly Because I take the first fly down But you you have a problem. You need about an hour to get going and you take that good

Two comes to call for your piece of nicotine gum three or four long hits You eat a little yogurt or something when you fly you when you get on the flight you can't go I would never shit on a plane that was raised not the I don't like the shit on a plane. How you gonna go you Michael rep or you should have playing 25 people know it But joe I got all sort of colitis. Oh, no, no, no, but then you figure it out. No, no, there ain't no figure in it I told the guy they were like we're landing. You can't I said sir I need to use a bathroom. He said we're landing. I said I'm gonna shit my pants. He said go to the bathroom, sir I tell him like no, you gotta I had grown man. If I say to him, sir, I need to use the bathroom

I'm not I'm not in the third grade. I know we're landing But if I say I have to go and you're not letting me go. I said I'm gonna shit my pants Okay, sir It's amazing. I travel to sleep at me a bag I'm a pep You fuck with me. I just come up to you and go listen I got a sleep at me machine And if I don't get through security my blood pressure will drop and

I'll need to get an ambulance and they look at me and they go go right through sir I do whatever you fucking yeah, because they know you're not it's not a bomb I gotta get through the goddamn thing even better than clear I fly like a doctor at the machine with you I bring the machine because I can't put load it because how big is it? It's this fucking big like in a box. You have it though. No, it's a little bag strap I put my fucking iPad in there. Oh, you mean for these flights. Yeah, but why would sleep happening? I make you pass out. Listen, you tell them whatever you're telling them because I'm warning you. I got a problem

But I gotta That's better than the Crohn's right It's all they're cousins. I have IBS. I have that irritable bow. Yeah, that's it. That's in the family of that family Thank god, you don't have it. It's all stress. It's not good. It's not good But you would know if you had it bad if you you were saying you never got a colonoscopy No, I'm getting one you need to go nick and I'm gonna tell you something right now the worst part of bar you're gonna get put out Yes, yeah, I heard that not not I heard that no you have to make it's like 500 bucks even with the insurance Oh, it's okay. Okay. The worst part about it is the prep stuff the day before it's just but it's like taking really sour

almost rotten Sprite You you drink it. That's it. It'll start you do the propa tall. You did the regular They're gonna put you out on the pro propa tall. Okay. Yeah, you literally it's gonna be like 10 seconds and then there's no pain There's no pain after nothing. I'm worried about the day before it's just all diarrhea It's watch tv. Yeah, you hang out. Watch your best. You should do it, right? I'm 56. Yeah Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't know and I bullshit around about the colitis But you need to know what's inside you because god forbid my my uncle died of

Of of of colon cancer and plus I have the colitis and it's hidden And if you don't know what's going on inside your body like that hidden in there Unfortunately, and I don't I I bullshit late. It's too late. Get the the the the procedure is not bad When did we go Lee three years ago? You did it got to go again probably close to five years ago because you do I gotta you gotta go every year. I'm gonna go again. I just had another one Have you ever had anything knock on wood? No, I've had little polyps, but nothing But I I have to go I've I've had holding now Mike 48. I've had you're not even 50 No, all right, you just turn but I have the colitis though

But you had the colitis so so you're supposed to go when you're 45 to get You need to go. Don't be afraid of it. I'm telling you. I'm not afraid of prep is the worst thing I just the procedure. Nothing bothers me that prep. It's it but nick well fucking prep. There's no prep No, you gotta drink Listen to me. It's not day. It's fine. It's like milk and magnesium. It tastes like fuck It's like milk and magnesium tastes like sperm. You drink one shot at fucking 12 Yeah, and the other shot at six. Yeah, that's it sleep the night before. Yeah, you don't want to sleep too much Go early nine o'clock. All right. Yeah, six a.m. No six a.m.

But he just don't get the three What do you mean if you get if you get in the afternoon you spend the whole or that no no no six a.m Six a.m. Seven in just get telling me you want the seven a.m. Tip top my ghoul get it done right over the hill six a.m. That means you're leaving your house. It's nothing You can't drive there. You need someone to pick you up. I already picked you up You get out of there. You go home. Nothing. They send you pick fine. Hopefully you got nothing But you gotta do it pick to the asshole. It changes your whole life. Yeah, because they send you play by play Yeah of the camera going outside your asshole

The asshole is the beginning of they go with your whole life into the tube. You see him go through the big intestines They're gonna see your whole life. How do you feel after you feel fine like nothing nothing happens You feel cleaned out. No, you feel like you had a tune up like nothing nothing like there's just you'll feel relief No, there's your body. No cleaned out you feel relief They don't clean you drop weight when you drop five pounds nothing you know what you'll feel though You'll you know what you'll feel good that you got it done. Yes, you'll go. I don't have anything You'll just know I just got a colonoscopy. I'm 56 years old. I did what I was supposed to do There's no there's no problem with that. We got enough things to worry about right

There's other things I might have to worry about but at least get the colonoscopy I say I every man 40 or over get the colonoscopy Spend the few hundred dollars to get the stuff put out because it is it is When I first had my first colonoscopy, I'll never forget it I was 17 and I wasn't 18 so they couldn't put me out And they did it without the medicine and I'll and this is 1987 Very very very very painful. Oh my god. Very fucking painful It's just it's it's it's it's people go. Oh, it's like you get it's not getting fucked

It's just you it's like having like a terrible terrible stomachache while they're looking at you right Give me anxiety Mike. No, get the pain to get the medicine. It's nothing already. I did it. I gotta go back You gotta go back I got in fact I was gonna call the doctor. I'm gonna try to get a physical next monday at 8 30 You gotta go back. I go to the first one tip top my goo finger in the ass blood early No breakfast. I had the finger in the ass I never had the colonoscopy. The finger in the ass is that's no big deal. The thing about a finger in the ass Joe is I'm talking to you, right? Like let's say I'm like we're here doing the show

And then you know, I'm like, okay, Joe, we're gonna I gotta check your prostate and like I'm still talking to you And like you get naked I I feel like out of respect to you I'm not gonna continue the conversation like I don't have your finger up your ass Like my doctor will talk to me like how's your summer? And then I'm doing it and then while he's got his finger on my ass We're continuing to talk about my summer vacation and I'm like, no Let's let's just let's let's stop speaking now

And and let's not try to act like you don't have your finger Not just a little bit in a friendly way on my ass. You have it all the way up my ass I don't want to talk about my summer break Let's just let's just take a break for a second Let me wipe myself off Let me get my dignity back and then you could ask me how my kids are right Because I don't want to talk about my kids while you have a full finger in my asshole, right? You understand nick Now your stomach. Do you have a certain diet or what? I you know, I've been really good in the last three and a half weeks

Three and a half weeks very good recently recently because I did I did a fasting thing Where like I did this fast for the colitis Where you you ate like nothing pretty much nothing and it's called a cell rejuvenation thing And the and my my doctor told me to do it. He goes when you don't eat for three days The body this is how he sells it to me. He goes the body thinks it's Starving and he's the doctor says it to me and it prepares itself to die I go kind of this is how you're selling me on the fast He goes yes, but when your body is starved to a certain point

It prepares itself to die And the cells in your body it kills them off and what starts to happen to So the body survives it creates new cells So this diet you're you're it's basically tricking your body into thinking you're dying It creates new cells cell rejuvenation. So as far as the colitis and the damage in my colon It it it helps rejuvenate the cells in there to just sort of make fresh cells So I started doing that and I've been good since it wasn't that hard not to do to add like what did you have water?

It was water very small meals like like small little health bars like little snacks like 10 olives you have coffee no coffee no coffee But you didn't really eat for like three days five five days But I was fine though because I the stuff that it gave me gave me enough energy And like when you're cleaned out like that Your energy goes up Yeah No, maybe I should try something like that. Go get the colonoscopy first and then take it from there

Yeah, just get that done, right? Let's start with that because you're like a brick. Nick me like a fucking brick I gotta make sure there's nothing going on in there. No, I've had a lot of stomach. Are you able to use the bathroom? I go I go a lot. I go like two three times in the morning. I get up But like you must shit like bricks I I see no I either shit really hard or I shit really soft like hard balls like soft Yeah, sometimes I could see nick taking big softball shit sometimes very soft And very and then very hard you sound like a fortune teller No, but I mean and then I look at my shit and I look you have to I look at it when I'm wiping

You have to look at it. I look at the color because you have to know what's coming in and out of you Yeah, make sure you're healthy. No, I definitely have I get I don't I'm not plugged up. I'm not constipated So at least that at least I'm able to shit. That's one good thing. I get it out It's just the quality of this shit that I want you want a healthy. I want a nice stool And I don't I don't really ever get like great stools. I get you know, sometimes I get a beautiful stool and I go Oh, wow, that's a nice shit. I'm very happy when I see that shit. I'm very happy. Me too. Most of the time I'm disappointed see the too hard. I don't have enough roughage. Yeah, you want healthy It's called a healthy so soft

It's too soft. I'm gonna name our production company health healthy stool production. I hate to talk about it But I'm sorry. Well, the people want to hear. Yeah, I mean my stomach and my shits are important I need a healthy stool. I have what you call a leaky gut, which is not good. What the fuck does that mean? No, just I named it. It's just like you have a bad. No, there's a thing called leaky gut syndrome. Yeah Oh, I don't know somebody told me that I don't want to say who but somebody told me told you what Something about leaky gut now. It's in my fucking head. Sounds It sounds rough one of these people that know everything, you know, they know everything you say something I'll see all the internet to google. Yeah, you know, that's what the worst thing is reading google

I I get definitely afraid everything I read. I think I'm dying of something. It's terrible I google this I google that it's not good. Don't do it. It's not good Because I'm a little bit hypochondriac as it is. I mean, I now thought at times I was dying many years ago I thought I was dying when I was a young guy They took me to donate my blood me and my friends took me one time Yeah, no, it's 20s my 20s. I thought I was gonna die thought I had everything wrong with me You just convince yourself. I convinced myself. I was dying and my friends and my mom said take them to donate his blood Just again, there's nothing wrong with this kid and I was losing weight. I had this I had I had every symptom there was

And I thought it was over and I thought and then my legs were shaking when I donated the blood and then they They told me like you're fine. You're okay And I was able to breathe again. I really thought I was dying for a few years there I did something stupid then I read something What did you do that was stupid? I don't want to go into it. I did something stupid I did many stupid, but I did something stupid and I read something. No, I Something not good. I anyway, then I read something. What'd you do? I don't want to say what I did No, I'd rather not I'd rather keep some things to the mystery. So I read it. There's no mystery

That's not for the world to know No, I can't tell because this is public I just talked about shit on the 405 No, this is this is different. This is different. No, I'd rather not say that I took a shit on the 405 on my way over. That's but no, but this I thought I was going to die of something And from what walking you're positive. It doesn't matter. I read something. Did you suck somebody's dick? No, I never did that. What'd you do? No, what happened doesn't matter. I was okay. The point is, you know, you can convince yourself

Yes, you can the mind is the mind is the strongest thing the mind is very powerful controls everything Yes, throws your body controls. It's amazing as I'm getting older. How old are you now Nick? 56 A couple weeks ago, I got into an argument with my agent and I love him daily. I love my agent with all my heart He called me and I was so pissed That I actually he called me like at six and I was so living at the question That I actually took off and went to 630 jujitsu. What was what was the question? He called me about ticket prices. What do you what I needed the ticket prices to be? After I've told him a thousand times

How come I don't when you're doing a show asking you what you need to ticket prices, right? I got you a thousand times Gotcha They want you to charge this and I don't know I want to charge this got you. I'm at this point I got you. Let me charge this. They always want to charge $10 more And then when you're not selling tickets They move on to the next person This is a level. This is levels. You go up in teas. You know what I'm saying, right? You can't fucking magic Johnson me You can't be at fucking 51. Yeah, and then next year I go for the same tickets $91

Fucking magic Johnson me. Yeah, that takes the tape with the Dodgers We're giving you two tickets at Costco two tickets I'm not a mooch Michael rapper boy, but I'm not a big lose my baseball mind anyway But I will tell you one thing If I'm sitting here stone just sitting here staring at your fucking ass at 11 o'clock And I got two tickets two parking spots two sodas two hot dogs and two popcorns of 50 bucks We're going to dodge the stadium, right? I would go to Costco and buy three of those cards for 150 I would go to three games every summer. They always upgrade you

You know, yeah, you don't give a fuck who's in town half the time you go. It's hat night umbrella night Whatever nothing you go. Guess what that enticed me to go to Dodger games now for me to give you $61 or whatever the fuck you want and sit all the way up at the top and risk my life Fuck that you risk your life. You go up there. You get three angry Mexicans and the Dodgers lose You go off the balcony. I don't need that my life. So I don't go I'm I'm I'm are you a baseball fan. What did I just say Michael rapper? But I grew up a bad friend because of my mother

But I'm saying to go you're you you dig the games enough to go Listen, if me you get stoned to the gills I won't go and your wife's not coming home till seven and my wife's doing something with the baby I'll take a nap and there's a one o'clock game. No, listen to me. I'll tell you why after listen to me We will go to the first game. We'll go to the game. We'll get about a quarter to one. I don't want to go We'll get tuned up We'll watch five I'll tell you why I can't do it. So baseball to me going to the park

Even sometimes football and I love football sitting there Especially during the day in the fucking baking hot sun. No, no, no, see where that's where you you got to pick the right day What do you think? I'm a fucking joe mook. Joe. I can't sit in the sun. I Fry and I don't like fucking baseball on top of it. So I'm sitting there literally Catching skin cancer five innings don't can't five innings in the sun. You know what I got I got blisters. Why don't you just go to the night game? Well, we don't want to see it I don't care in the day. Maybe like a night game. No, no, no, no

There's always a section in this stadium that has a shade. I need that you have no idea one year Ralphie Maybord tickets August the rocket What's his name the guy from Clemens? There's fucking hillbilly Clemens was patient against the Dodgers And we were right on the field, you know, it was 108 degrees down there three innings. We lasted Three innings when he was in his prime in his prime. It's unbearable to sit out there too much during the day Unbearable I was I went to a Dallas combo game once giants were playing Dallas In Dallas opening day. I'm there doing comedy one o'clock game in the new stadium

I would have known the old state and this had to be 15 fucking years ago This had to be 15 years ago getting cooked. No, I'm in Dallas eating fucking seafood Had a bar that you know, I went to Addison, Texas every year twice a year to do comedy And you learn the hot spots in town The name of the place is the chucking jive in in austin the shuck and jive in Addison, Texas Fucking delicious gumbo jambalaya that type of shit And the guy knew me the bartender walking there one day 11 30 goes. Hey kid

Some guy here left a ticket opening day Dallas cowboy game go on the field It was like 20 yards and I went down there A hundred and fucking 20 degrees. Fuck that. I don't care who's playing I lasted a quarter and a half and I went home. Who can do that? But I know I know but at least you go. Yes, you make an appearance. Yes Now, how are you at nickgames? I'm in a fucking kid a pig and shit basketball. I'm a pig and shit football I'm a pig and shit, but basketball because it's in basketball to this day And I've been to so many games. I've been to fucking practices. Watch the players play. I'm like

Like I was just at a golden state Warriors practice. I was like, what the fuck is going on here? Like I'm elated I'm watching these guys shoot around Basketball. I'm happy as fuck, but I'm not a big baseball guy But basketball to this day doesn't have seen a good baseball game And I got an important game ever in your life. You have service. I went to you with you Well, maybe if you went with me to a good game a good crowd, maybe like a fenway or somewhere That would be that would be that would be different

I'd go sit on the green monster. That would be different. We love it You know, I mean take the ambiance before but I'm just you know, I'm not a fan of baseball But you could become one I could definitely become one could become one and I want to see the Nate the Yankees do well. I'm a fan of the Yankees You know, you can say yourself a Yankee. Yes. Yeah, you're fishing me. No, you're fishing the nick tutorial No, no, I went once or twice. I got again again Four four guys get together, right case of sodas a couple sandwiches get tuned up before that tuned up before that Sit out there with a thing even if the fuck that's fun. Don't show out. Yes. It's not about that. No, I got it

It's about sitting there for three years. I get it In breathing and watching what's america's all about watching kids. I mean, I got you. I got you. I got a couple of cold ones I think that what they've done to it. You know, see that's the shit that pisses me off Is that the american family the the the new age american family can't enjoy baseball game They can't afford it that sucks a family of four The cheapest what's the cheapest lake at ticket 191? That's insane and you sit by the air condition for each one Yeah, 190 leek leek take a look. No fucking way. Yeah One ticket for a lake again. Uh, hi guys

I remember one sounds high. That sounds expensive. It's like 120 or something That's fucked up christmas day one year. They want a 180 Well, christmas doll. That's christmas. It's whoever still 200 a ticket by the air conditioner Yeah, fuck that the air conditioner falls on your head. You feel like really don jonovich And you go back to the garden. There's still that you don't go to now. I banned it. I banned it. I won't go I won't I won't go to madison square garden until the oakley situations cleaned up with the bad I won't go and now I know they they since I started, you know, I used to I mean, you know, this is the same like this is the same thing

With with all the social media stuff, but I'm a nicks fan But being a nicks fan doesn't mean being compliant and not questioning the fucking team Right, I did a goddamn 30 for 30 when the garden was in here on the nicks Fucking I'm a nicks fan But when it starts to be shit, I I have the right as a fan to say this is shit And the nicks if they have a they have a right to go well, we don't want to give you free tickets and I go fine No problem. So that's where we are. You're still you're still roofer. I'm still I still want to see them do good But when they banned oakley from the garden, I won't go back whether it's free tickets bought tickets your tickets

Joey Coco Diaz tickets until charles oakley is allowed in madison square garden because he's the quintessential nick You don't let charles oakley. That would never happen. Imagine the fucking pittsburgh stealers Going oh, well jack Lambert isn't allowed to a game Now what was the beast with yeah, what was the beef with? Why did they do that? Yeah, yeah, I think I think oakley was I mean oakley listen He'd be the first to tell you he's he's had problems with the the nicks But all those 90 nicks have been treated bad by the by the by the by dole

Latrell spree well all of them have had problems with them So oakley was at the game and he probably was a little fucking You know a little feisty and dolin like sent his goons over and the goons came over and and we're looking at oakley And I imagine it was somebody like this I imagine the goons are looking at oakley oakley's like what the fuck are you looking at because he's a goon They come over to oakley oakley stood up and he's like get the fuck away from me and then you saw what happened Right, I mean to take the man out like that in that fashion. That was just Wrong and then even after that. Let's just say that was the worst of it. We should have a sit-down

I apologize. You apologize. We move forward. You don't start saying he's an alcoholic We're gonna press charges to charles oakley, right? Yeah, that's that's charles oakley. No, he was a fucking love net but love neck He's on the floor diving for nicks fucking for loose balls charles oakley gave his heart and it was a bad night It was a bad situation. Let's fix it right now. You don't press charges against the fucking guy Because come some goons came over and he finger pointed him is hey charles oakley, of course He's gonna finger poke you in the fucking head, of course This is fucking manhood. Is that steak over there? He's gonna punk out

Oakley and the place where he was fucking Smashing picks and grabbing rebounds but to do that to the dude to do that to the guy to like To embarrass him like that and then to continue because it was a bad night. I thought it was squashed I thought they could but it still like seems like it's not squashed He ain't allowed in the garden. He's still not allowed. Hey, he don't go. I don't go. Fuck that Michael rapper boy. That's good. You're as passionate As can be that's why I've always loved you dog. You don't fuck around Let me give him some shout outs. Hold on. Hold on to that thought first off

The church extends their condolences to cleo A dad pass if you know cleo from twitter Send you love when one of us suffer we all suffer you understand me And that's the church. It's all about cleo. We love you Number two the hubster. Thank you for the beautiful card. You gave me this last weekend In nyak and for everybody who came out to the shows. I'm sorry about the thunder and the snow storm and whatever the fuck it was I want to give a shout out to tablet the stevens My little brother andrew nandiao

Daniel fenton edgewater edgewater pool and spa l bar bone Tommy of lungs word philly of god the philly godfather hosenhagen And buchemi's deli. No hold on Uncle paul's uncle paul's Uncle paul paul's deli

on bevelie boulevard And also to my girl meg my little indian queen don't forget This saturday night 9 30 The ice house working out with uncle joey Take what should be up monday afternoon ready for you And then we also got tuesday night

netflix 9 30 at the comedy store. It's a 16 comics on it Sell that motherfucker out Let's go. Let's do it the church. Sell the fucking place out and that's it right now. Don't worry about the rest Santa casinos sold out sell it. Sorry new mexico and that's it and that's that Yeah, Michael rap pool. How long have you been doing your podcast for for three years three years and you love it I love doing it. You love the voice. I love it. I love it. It's so much. I just love the the um the the

The free for all of it, you know, and it's such an outlet You know, and it's such a it's such a fun place to get sort of gather your thoughts and articulate your thoughts And and and you know, I was listening to your podcast before I even started doing a podcast You know what I mean? And and you know when when you came on on my show You said something that was interesting Because when wheezy, I think my dog was barking and you said, you know, if wheezy's barking, it's a podcast If the police sirens, it's a podcast if you spill your drink or oh, fuck It's a podcast and and and when we were recording when wheezy was barking

I've always been like, ah, but now since you said that to me When wheezy's barked, I just like because it's true. It's just a you know It's like a personal diary the style that that that I do which is similar It's like your diary it's your thoughts. It's your ideas. It's your your highs. It's your lows. It's your colonoscopy It's your fucking, you know, and and that's the thing I love about doing it it's uh I I don't know how to do it any other way

But I I I know I didn't want I still remember listening to a red fox album And your whoever album you were listening to it that kid that Was cool, but for some reason this fucking album went like this And it skipped a little bit, but I still remember that needle that And I still remember what that felt like right kid And then they cleaned it up over the the imperfection of it the imperfection of it is what I like

When you listen to the old Whether it's Jackie Gleeson tapings or Lenny bruce. Yeah, it wasn't the perfection. It was the imperfection We live in a world today that We have netflix so we're so used to watching Watching watching watching and every tuesday they release a new special netflix And every tuesday you're forced to watch it or whatever comedy or whatever and I love it I love that concept But what I hate about that concept is that it neglects the gift of listening. I agree. I love

I love that. I agree. I've always loved those photographs of people sitting around a radio listening to the green hornet One man doing 10 voices Playing and selling you a fucking show You know what the concept of that is a man's voice selling that's crazy Now we all four of us. I don't know lee. I know all of us come on lean somewhere We listen to how it started. Yes, he destroyed a generation With what he was saying and what he was interviewing and have you ever been finger banked by a midget and you know just wish and now

Now it's a different fucking realm Now it's a different realm Just because you play A gay character in a cop show michael rampa boy Now you have a bypass that comes out every monday with you rambling about fucking Whoever right and they're like wait a second We thought he was gay right Do you follow him saying yeah, yeah, yeah, we don't we don't have that interpretation. Yeah, what I thought of

Lieutenant he was he played lieutenant rodriguez. Yeah, there's a direct. What was it detective martinez detective martinez So right away. I'm watching him. I'm watching nypd blue Okay, think about this today. Think about different ones. I'm watching nypd blue and one ham in the city I'm about to go to a yanky game and I walk up on detective martinez and i'm porto rican Is that how you guys met no, no, no, but think about this concept I'm porto rican And i'm watching this guy every day going wow He's fucking porto rican. I'm not even and I'll tell you how crazy it gets

That for spanish people. We actually believe we'll make believe to turos porto rican That's nicky to tour from the bronx and shit Yeah, I know nicky to and one day at a yanky game. They'll go. Oh, yeah partner right and you'll go. What's up, man? Yeah, yeah, i'm nicky to tour. I'm really italian That'll never happen again because they know everything he's detective martinez He still has the nick to tour show on itunes every week What a different job it would be now To have a tv show and one hour of your week

Go on there and tell people what you really thought, you know, sometimes you're gonna step on people's toes This happens this week. It's amazing how time has changed yeah, and how michael wrappaport star Fucking tv endless nick to tour the same fucking thing tv series emmy nominated Right now the biggest voice in society is this yeah Because as we both know, you know, if you if you're sitting in this town anymore waiting for the phone to ring as an actor

It's tight right now. It's tight for a lot of people. It's over It's tight for a lot of people. It feels like, you know, it feels like a different world It feels like sometimes like wow, did I did I have a career? You know, I'm like, I know I did a lot of shit, but you know if you feel that way Just feel like wow, it's like you call up people like oh, yeah, I remember this or remember it's like nobody It's like nobody remembers I mean something people do but it but it's really like like we were talking about this with my brothers Sometimes people come up to you and they go hey, how you been go good. They go. I haven't seen you in a while

What do you mean you haven't seen me? What do you mean? Do we know each other? Like, you know, I like like where you been like like did you die? Did I pass away? I passed away, right? I fucking i'm dead. Well, you know, but I haven't seen you like what do you do? You know, what are you doing? No, I'm right. Yeah, what are you doing with your life? When did you take a shit? Right? Why do you ask me what I'm doing? Right? I already had a life. I had a career. What the fuck did you have? What am I doing? But I haven't seen you. You haven't seen me get the fuck

Do we know each other? You know what I mean Some guy said to me years ago in Pennsylvania said there's a bother you when people don't recognize you And he was trying to piss me off. This is when I was dead serious It is when I was like everybody knew me and I said no I said does it bother you when they don't I just said it to him. I'm not in a bad way and he goes Oh, you got you got an attitude. Huh? You got an attitude. I said, no, I don't have an attitude You have an attitude you came at me. I said I didn't come at you and my wife said, oh, hey, listen a fella

He was being nice to you. I said, that's right. I was fucking being nice to you You know, I mean if you had said that, you know, put it that way you would have responded that but people are Fucking weird man. People are and I usually try to be nice to everybody, you know I'm not like a guy like my brother's a little standoffish and sometimes he's he's good for being that way He's good for being that way, but it's a it's a different world now. It's like, you know You feel like wow, well, where do I fit in? Yeah, that's why the podcast Well, like you guys have found your voices more which is good because you know every tom dick and harry can do it But you guys are doing it better because you've actually lived and have something to fucking say

Hey, when you when you do the podcast, you got to bang him in the ass. Yeah, you bang him in the ass Every right right off the top. I was fucking barstole I'm right in the ass. Listen, man. I'm a fucking dumper. You could fucking you could do Bang him right in the dumpers Yeah That's the stories you have about being a door man in new york. Oh, yeah, I think john goddy lived in the building I watched this car. I fucking did you really? I met everybody. Yeah At the at the same region. Yeah, same ritz. Yeah

John was there johnny g came out with all these Shit mobbed up guys and said leave real govons real govons I couldn't even get near him and they said leave the car here. No problem. My mouth was open I met so many movies. That's when I saw goddy John goddy. I was like I was I'm telling you I was like stashed. Was it the real thing the real thing it's fucking scary and Charisma like up the gauze. This is when he was like at like in his fucking. Yeah, did john goddy When he was the teflon john, I watched his fucking car for like 50 bucks or whatever. I didn't care

That's crazy. I was fucking great because the world used to pass me by The world would come by me. Oh, you know, I was and when I was a door man in my 20s I was like 23 to 32, you know, people used to love to come by and just watch me sometimes I said, I love to come by and watch you because a lot of times I wasn't even working I'll just be I'd be down the block. They say, where's the doorman? You see the guy talking down at the plot. That's that's the doorman There's the fuck around but I suggest, you know, I I love people so I used to love that

All kinds of people from the top to the bottom, you know, I mean I was out there people algero one time was crying on me. He was telling me his problem. Really algero. Yeah Yeah, I don't know. He was fucking drunk algero. I was like, well, he came back Yeah, he was drunk man. I was like I was crying Billy Joel lived there. Wow fucking first day. That's it Yeah, Billy would come out man. It'd be like 50 people waiting for a cab and I I'd take Billy before everybody Hey, hey, take it easy. It's Billy Joel. I told everybody take it easy. I gotta take care of Billy, you know Billy man's first date with christie brinkley. I was with him. He had balloons. He's all excited Nick I'm so excited. Are you serious? Yeah. I said, what's the problem?

Because I'm going out with christie christie brinkley. You believe that? I said, yeah, you're Billy Joel The fuck's wrong with you. Yeah, you're right. Nick. You're right. Fucking Billy Joel. Fucking Billy Joel, man You were my I used to go to nassau coliseum and watching my all of a sudden. He was my boy Did you see him in nassau coliseum? I did I did I knew all his songs and he wrote that album there. That's when he met christie brink innocent man. That's crazy Yeah, he wrote it there Fucking don't believe what he was going out with was the album in fearson. You know who to pick us. He put it in Oh, yeah, he had a good fucking run. Yeah, he had a nice one. He's still plugging right? He's plugging now

And I was a baby. I don't know. He's old now and he's but I think he just had a baby He just had a baby. Yeah, he's about to sell out The garden just saw the commercial when I was there. I don't know what number in a row 50 60 something up there in a row in the garden. Yeah at the garden. He has a residency He's crazy to just have a baby Mick jagger just did that too. Can you imagine have a baby at 80 I had a baby at 50 and I feel guilty And imagine in 30 years do us re regrouping

We have a friend that his father had him when he was 74 And he had two kids after that That's an animal Spanish dude Spanish people sling dick those spread roaches Like nobody they don't give us they can still do it at 70, huh? Somebody I just talked to Our father just had a a kid in Puerto Rico

Seven his father's 70 Had a chick with a 40 year old god bless him man. How's your shoot nick? It's all right How's your shoot still get a woody, you know, yeah, it's not bad for 56 you're still shooting I shoot but not the same, you know, I don't shoot blinds, but you know, it is what it is I try to I try to eat my natural testosterone I have met what's natural testosterone vitamins. I take those vitamins down you shoot I shoot chocolate chocolate. It's good chocolate works to shoot. Yeah, dark chocolate. It's good. You go from TM GnC I go to GnC. Yeah the new genics

I get the new genics you take a couple of those and you get you're ready to go with the new genics What is it like the instant action? It's close to it without all the side effects You know, you don't want to you don't want the rubber dick No, but you know, you ain't 25. No, no, you can't choose. No, unless you take the pill Now do you lift weights when you do the new genics? No, what do you mean lift weights? Why?

Because that gets everything going to get like like like what if you did push-ups listen for years. I was I was I mean, I was clean at that point five years But I rehab I rehabbed my knee. I tore my meniscus And the guy goes Go to a trainer and insurance will pay half of it and this chick had played the WMBA So she was telling me she was Joey I'm gonna do things a little different when you're heavier But don't worry about it. She did she strengthened my fucking knee doing a bunch of stuff

But towards the end we started doing deadlifting Ah and squatting that's good. She's drinking protein powder from GnC the waybalic male protein powder And six months later my wife came to me and said I knocked her up I never I was I was with her nine years before that nothing ever happened. Wow And I was with another bro before that six years Nothing ever and you were skeeting

What do you mean skeeting like you were you were you were fucking I was fucking But I was also snorting coke and not taking care of myself But I always believe something Hmm That's why I believed Like I go to an acupuncturist and she was telling me one time. I asked I was I became friends with And I said do guys ever come in here and Strengthen their unit and she goes this is a thing we could do for you. Why?

I thought just put needles in a bunch of places in your feet and your toes I don't have a problem with that. They'll get your dick hard, but she goes listen. I go there Backfire she goes I had one guy Like we came in here and said to turn to shut it down a little bit that he was going too crazy You'd open them up it opened the job. I got the vasectomy Yes, you could you go forever down. You could how many children to yeah, but when I got divorced I was in uh Can't remember. I think I was in Chicago

I was with this girl. I didn't know her you were no jack You had bumped into ogre. Yeah, that's what he flew into. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah But I was with this girl going raw dog And I I swear to god, joe I while I was having sex with her I I started thinking about shorn kemp You know because shorn kemp had a lot of kids and I was like Like I was like you're gonna you're gonna wind up if you keep fucking around like this

You're gonna wind up getting a girl that you're just trying to have a good time with pregnant And your life is going to be changed. This is after I already had two kids And then I was like a friend of mine had already gotten a vasectomy. I asked him a couple of months later. Boom Got the vasectomy. Oh, I see so you can knock I shoot puppy water Puppy water. Yeah So all those years you were doing all those movies early on you were slinging big broad deck. Yep You didn't give a fuck job when you're in the 20s. You don't give a fuck when they knock on your door You know I come on and swallow the fucking load of life

But then when you're after you're like, I don't want to have a illegitimate child in Chicago Right where Iowa Yeah, Texas wherever the fuck it might be Atlanta, Florida. Who knows where new york. Oh, yeah I don't want it. Right. I don't want to be shone camping and I love shone camp I don't want to be fucking have some kids that I don't know. They have a call you tell you Nope Knock on wood that I that I might be there. I'll shoot you shoot loads on that titties though Well, I mean now then I then yeah, I did

Then I did But now I mean I'm married now, but there's no you could do whatever you want when you have to reject me It's it's there's no Okay, I'm if I can't if I can't knock you up I'm not gonna waste. I'm not gonna waste my coming your fucking pussy. I'm gonna shoot it in your hairdo I'm gonna do something dirty. I'm gonna shoot it in your ear. It makes it fun. There's nothing like it though Like what? When you uh

Coming somebody. Yeah, it's the best. Oh, yeah, it's tremendous. And when you know Yeah, but when you know that you can't There's no babies you feel cheated when you pull out. No No, it feels the same. Yeah, and you know what I don't you know what I'm not doing I'm not I'm not thinking the next three days four days four weeks going that girl that I But but I'm married man. Those days are over Yeah, you're done done happily done had enough how long you've been married for now We've been married only shit

A year and some change. We've been together seven eight years But we used to date when we were young when I first met nick I same girl Then I fucked up and married a white girl Never a good thing Never Unless you're Cuban, right? See that's that's what people really don't understand. They don't get it that That's that's David's gonna confuse people the flavor is really weird like Lee's Jewish

Lee's mother's alive Lee is programmed and been raised to bring home a nice Jewish girl. There's only one problem Lee wouldn't fuck a Jewish girl if you pay him doesn't nor does he want Nor does he have any interest even if they left the money in the will He would figure out a way to marry and have a killed within 72 hours within the check cleared You know Lee likes women of flavor. He likes his latin nose He likes his sisters It's so very weird how

We're programmed to like who we like. Yes, you know what I am? Yeah, I've always Since I was a young man. Oh Spanish women are hot jack And sisters shit Shit, give me one of those jersey city sisters with afro half and afro And the whole family moves in that's my type of sister with that good ass and shit cooking pork chops Latin women. I love them, but let me tell you something for me. There's nothing like a dirty irish white chick That's what I like. I like a dirty irish white chick. Nick. You like latin and you're a married man Yeah, I long ago. Yeah, but still I did I didn't I had a few of them

Nick don't do good with latin chicks because they start yelling at each other for weeks To yeah, it's like mookie and his girlfriend and do the right thing. Right. That's how you're living 22 hours a fucking day. I'm better with the part Asian the way, you know, right? That's your thing That's my thing. It's gotta have some sort of Asian some some sort of Asian blood I don't know something happened to me. I don't know why people were asking me is and you feel comfortable I do remember the first time you saw bruce lee. He was a superhero Yes, and when you found out he was married to linda lee, you were like jesus christ Not the best-looking woman in the fucking world

Linda lee rocked his world. She controlled him. He is late if you interviewed people during enter the dragon. They said When she linda lee walked in the room all his troubles went away. Yeah, you know, it's amazing what you're attracted to something You know, you like what you like you like what you like That's it the day for you to bunker down have kids in love like there's no predicting the looks the color to this all the things You thought if you if you if you go for somebody you go for somebody because all the looks and all the bullshit and everything Day into the day that everybody gets old The the the jokes get old the fucking bits get old the ass gets old the the dick gets old You gotta it's gotta be your friend. Yeah

Right. Yeah, it's gotta be your friend. You think you think that I think that my wife Enjoys I mean look at me nick you're looking at me close imagine waking up to this imagine me having to wake up to you screaming about Reggie Jackson when you sleep. Yeah, imagine waking up to fucking joey coco Diaz It's like pretty good With a sleep apnea mask on I know with a sleep apnea mask on to boot. Yeah, but you ever look at their faces when they're sleeping I like to look at the expression

Yeah, because sometimes I like a mean look on their face And I do and I go I go I go and I catch I catch little movement sounds coming out of her sometimes I go what the fuck was that nothing I was giggling Oh, I said that's For me, I equate that to something else I'm wondering what's going on in that fucking dream I hate to wake up and see something going on because I'm thinking when we didn't hear something because they said they like listen to me I don't know what the fuck mine. I have a dog that's always biting me

Yeah, in your dreams we occurring animal. Yeah, I won't let go motherfucker wakes me up. I have to come out of it yelling It's my fucking ex-wife Jake That's her She's on facebook still fucking I found out taking shots and Let it go you're fucking let it go. What kind of shots I went with you as a child. Whatever What kind of shots you took me posting pictures when I was 17 with And I'm wearing pink pants. I mean come on

Fuck you talking about Jake Jake Lamada broke my tooth with a telephone Would you like your fucking tooth busted with a telephone or somebody Fucking swing a club while you're driving in the backseat club me right when I'm driving 60 miles an hour That's Jake fucking Jake Fucking Jake Lamada man You were married to my family didn't even go to the wedding my brother mother Yeah, they knew they knew my brother my brother sided with them the only guy that came was the black sheep that's off That sucks. They knew you know, I well, I wasn't ready. No, but I get it

My mother threw all my clothes out of that. I came home one night. Michael. What's going on? My brother Ralph was goes Yeah, she wants you out now because she can't take it to the last day I was a kid with the fuck that I know What did I know? Fucking stupidly over 10 years then I got crucified because I had a kid I tried to you know, I tried to hang in there and then when I finally made something out of myself I came out she came for blood. She came for blood

Like I was like, you know A big guy big shot and I was a doorman most of those years Mike knows Fucking jack. I just made like five cents and they they treated me like I was fucking, you know a movie star And this this this state forget. That's the wrong state this state I should have listened to a guy years ago agent told me get out of that because you're gonna be successful I didn't know what the fuck that I know. Let me tell you something. I won't fucking jack And they said that I owed 64 thousand dollars in child support And I was like, what the fuck am I gonna do?

And one day I was about to bring an attorney of $5,000 retainer, but my wife is an accountant And she goes, wait a second Why do you owe California money? You will count if you owe anybody money. It's colorado. We call colorado colorado is like You owe us 14 grand for child support And we go, what about this 60 at California? She goes, that's them trying to get interest from you for us We don't want that money. We just want what you owe us That's how fucking treacherous it is. Oh, yeah, I've had a lot of those guys tell me brutal ruin my life

It's it's and I paid you gotta you go to put you in fucking jail They don't they will look what they did to Martha's they put Martha Stewart in jail same shit For child support. No, but taxes they don't play. They don't play with taxes They will throw your fucking ass in jail. I don't fuck around with that shit. No pay your tax. I don't play with that They'll get you don't be deductible nothing nothing or you could try it But if they come for it give it right away and don't ask questions That's the one people when they send you to check you don't ask questions. I don't want FBI come outside, please never happened to me. Fuck that. Let me ask you something Michael Rapport

where do you see yourself in this podcast game in three years, do you see yourself like a once they put periscope and once and about two years apples and a half and apps Which puts periscope and podcasting together If if if if you had a weekly show you just stuck to movies That means that every night at nine o'clock your time Once everybody in the house is calm down. It could be the Michael Rapport show

You open up your computer you hit a switch on the top It's got a camera on it. You already got your graphics set in You know you got your videos that you can play and talk about can you imagine Would you be the first one to do it? I'd be down for that I love it. It's amazing what we could do now with this technology. It's fucking crazy where it's become where you know We talked him into We recently talked him into finally watching baseball games that he's gonna watch anyway

and Stream him and let people watch this lunatic Watch the games throw from absolutely jump up and down curse at the tv and I don't and in the sad thing joe I'll say this they're gonna see greatness with nick tutorial greatness, but but in his prime 15 years ago watching the game. I know I know you've had have you lost the step or is it still the same same tenacity every time Because because I remember he's frightened me. We watched the playoffs. I'm still not. I'm I'm still there. I'm still there Okay. Yeah, I still okay. So the people aren't missing out. They're not too much

Not too much. No, you know, I can still bring it pretty good. Right and and then some Yeah, I'm not I'm not finished yet I'm not a leaky fan to the how many days how many days a week are you gonna do the games because you can't do every game You should pick a couple of like Yeah, remember the game in a week. He's never got game. That's the that's it right there Yeah, and then in the playoffs you do all the playoffs the game of the week And then if there's a specter if there has to if there happens to be a special game Double to do

This is the emergency game of the week with nick tutorial Right because remember we used to look forward to a game. You got to do it, nick First of all, you love baseball. You articulate it. You know it. You're not a fucking dingbat And on top of all the fact that you know the game and you're a true flan you're nuts totally engrossed Savage lunatic passionate quintessential new york yankee fan people have to see this they have to see it

They have to see and i'm not doing it. No, it's not happening. I'm gonna gonna do it. We're hooking it all up right now We're about to hook it up. Yeah done. What's the name of the company, lee? Uh, let me look at that sports. It doesn't matter what it is done. You know, i'm doing it I mean, you know, what the fuck, you know, and you just got to pace yourself right and sometimes you could have a guest No, sometimes you could say me me and me and joey coker. We're gonna watch a yankees play You could have me and we don't have to talk about the game and sometimes it could just be you and gabe Because let me tell you something that's true. If if i'm watching the baseball game with you Yeah, you're not you'll bring regular fans into yankees are down

And you're hot. That's what i'm gonna do. Yeah, i'm gonna throw in fucking alcohol on that fire Yeah, i'm gonna bring up topics and get you to throw things and get me out of your house when i'm concentrating i'm working Yeah, no, no, you're not working. You got the i'm working the angles Hey, are we doing this podcast live joe? We're talking live on youtube stream How on what on you stream whatever it's on youtube, check it out But they could hear us or see us. No, we think they could just wait a second joe So you're serious and when i had my shirt off on there Yeah, you're done. It's all over the shot. You're on tmz tomorrow. You just booked three movie roles

Check it out. See, i give you the maloyk here. Oh, yeah You got the maloyk here, which is like this I didn't know we were fucking live on tv. No, what do you think we're doing here? This is the real deal. Holy field. So these are cameras that are working. No, I work for the dea. Yeah, these are fucking cameras You think I work for the dea or something like this So so when you record your podcast you do the live recording Yes, and then you put out the podcast the podcast in the morning and the youtube stream will come up by tomorrow afternoon But the youtube stream will come up tomorrow afternoon like a another

Another version of it people who watch the podcast and to the listener, but but then what are they watching right now? They buy you He just thought it What are they watching right now the live version of this they're watching the live version of this on youtube But stream is the streaming service on youtube. I got you. All right. Don't sweat the small Don't worry. No, I just didn't know but I would not have taken my shirt off Everybody saw you had my shirt off during the fucking playoffs do it again. No big deal Big poppy thought I was nude. Hold on. Let me but let me let me finish this up and

Don't be fucking taking your clothes off because you know what's going on You know what's going on in america today. Hold on. You know what I'll let you do walk out I'll finish up the show here. Michael Rappaport. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart Coco you've been fucking I thank you for having me on my brother. I love you I love you too. This was the most fun and as far as the show for the fucking future aka nicky pilots Nikki red so every week nicky baseball Yes, let's check it out one day a week the game of the week. I'm bringing that mother fucker back the game of the week

When nicky tomorrow at a kirk gowdy or cosel. They're gone The brazzuto has gone all these muts out there. Just hang with me for one day a week At the Yankee game in a week, you know, we're gonna have fuck and we're gonna have a blast together You never know what's gonna happen. It's gonna be organic. It's not gonna be fucking fake There might not be excitement every other inning, but there will be moments There'll be moments that you're brilliant. Well, right. There'll be moments of pure brilliance Pure and you know baseball and I know the game. I see the game. I'm 15 steps ahead of these people You know what I mean? They're not they're not with me

Well, thank both of you for coming out. Let me let them loose. I'll be back to you in two minutes That was a crazy show with nick and my man, uh, michael wrappaport Both of them come from a different school Of mind the thought, you know, pretty fucking crazy. Anyway, who gives a shit? The beauty of is we're still here. We're still taking the church on what's happening now Why because we got great sponsors and they start with people like zip recruiter You know what are you hiring position your position?

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Listen businesses of all sizes give it a shot Zip recruiter will will will help you with your hiring needs zip recruiter dot com slash church Zip recruiter the smartest way to hire Listen, you're a big guy. I get emails every week. Joey. What type of ghee? Where do I go? And for me, it's always been Fuji Listen, I love the geez people give me and whatnot But that light these geez are light. I used to get heavy geez and I get like Anxiety from there's no need for those heavy league geez

Fuji geez are nice and light and they come in three different types. They come like the basic They have like this beautiful purple one. That's like a weave They have the the seiko the seiko They have the separato. They have the element. I personally personally personally love the sapriato I think it's 134 dollars. Listen what i'm gonna do is Go to fuji sports.com right now. Take a look at the ghee. You like it. You're a big guy This is the ghee for you. If you're in that closed guard, they're pulling pulling pulling on your neck That fucking ghee all it has is fucking fingerprints on it. The ghee's still intact

Why because it's fuji tough Right now go to get the super rato Whatever you get press in church and get 10% off to live it to your house You're a big guy fuji is the way to go I want to thank ziprecruiter.com. I want to thank fuji Sports.com. I want to thank my man Michael rapper port and my man nick the tour for crazy ass fucking podcast I want to thank my main man. Lisa. Yeah, who looks like he's Fucking in zomboville

But most importantly, I want to thank you fucking savages and don't forget This saps this friday saturday night. It's not posted yet It'll post by uh by the time you hear this Tomorrow night you get tickets online Working out with uncle joey Saturday night at the ice house or the 31st or i'll see you tuesday night at the comedy store I need this netflix thing. I need the church down there ready to go fucking bananas at 9 30 I love you guys. Thank you for listening. Have a great week. Have a great day

Stay black. All right Oh Shit, here we go Oh As down as he's tough, he made me wait in the house He has me burning, burning Oh One more shot

Cause I love it. You know that it's real and you feel that it's real All I got Is worth nothing. There's no place left to go He wasn't born with hands that glib. He was smooth just like Uh by far as cruel I kept my distance Serving it all down I flip off this wall around the ground One more shot

Cause I love it. You know that it's real if you feel that it's real All I got Is worth nothing. There's no place left to go I need to line Falls on I'm in the top with red lights Oh, I'm in the rain And I let me live

I'm burning Up, down, down, down I flip off this wall around the ground I know I know what you call love But I just don't feel that you're real Cause all you want is One more shot

Cause I love it. You know that it's real if you feel that it's real All I got Is worth nothing. There's no place left to go One more shot He wasn't born with hands that glib. He was smooth just like Uh by far as cruel I kept My distance Oh

Oh You know You know I miss you So But I You know that one night And they write I can't find you One more shot

Cause I love it One more shot Cause I love it. I love it. You know that it's real if you feel that it's real One more shot Is worth nothing. There's no place left to go One more shot One more shot One more shot

I had a boy who's a thorn Has done some stuff He made me wait He made me hot He had me burning He's burning All down Left following all around

Wrong They know You know I miss you So But I I mean more than one night And they write I can't find you One more shot

Cause I love it You know that it's real If you feel that it's real All I got Is worth nothing There's no place left to go One more shot Cause I love it

You know that it's real If you feel that it's real All I got Is worth nothing There's no place left to go One more shot One more shot One more shot

Thanks for watching!