Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #572 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: April 2, 2018

Kate Quigley, Comedian, actress, and host of the "#DateFails: Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Hims - Go to ForHims.com/joey for a trial month of everything you need to keep your hair - for just $5 while supplies last.   Vincero Watches - Dont just get a watch, elevate your game and get  a Vincero Watch. Get yours at getthewatch.net and our listeners get 15% off when they use promo code CHURCH. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 04/01/18.

the meat's different? The clip meat and the flat meat is completely different. I could do more like I'll suck that flat meat and finger bang you with three fingers. Tremendous. No, no, Kate. I can tell that. I can tell that from masturbating. You can feel it. Sure. But anyway, I'm a connoisseur of my own pussy. Greetings from podcastville. The church of what's happened now is brought to you by hymns. Listen, I'm going to explain something to you one of the worst things is losing your hair. I mean, there's a lot of things that are going on. But sexual performance issues are more common than you think. Over 25 percent of new ED cases are guys under 40. 40 percent of men by the age of 40 struggle from not being able to maintain

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I've popped the empty key lock. Yo, yo, yo, check it out. That's for later. Is that Daner? What is that? That's fucking vitamin pill. It's all everybody. I thought maybe it was like a Viagra. What am I going to be a Viagra for? You got the clue of death. I think it's bigger than Lee's dick. You know what I'm saying? Here we go. What? Oh, shit. I'm more of a valiant girl. Listen, it don't matter. Just take the fucking thing. Now? You must. No, three years from now. Almost.

Why? Here we go. Lisa Yacht, the Christ killer. My little sister, Kate Quigley. And your uncle Joey Diaz on a Monday morning. Who's better than you? My little sister, who I show my balls. I show my balls to my family. I love this. And in my heart to be. Always your sweet passion that got to me. Oh, shit. No, no, no, you can't hear the music from me.

Who the fuck do you think he's dealing with? It seems to weak. Jesus is back, motherfuckers. Oh, this is the best used forever. Oh, shit. What the fuck? Oh, my God. We came out the box. Slap strong. Now listen, we're sitting here and we're talking and listen until about hours 34. The game changer would be when I'd take my nuts out of the pockets. People would die. It would be hysterical. It was hysterical. Joey, show me his balls for Easter. That was my Easter gift. I walked in here.

And those are the eggs of life. They weren't waiting for you. That sounds boring. No, they weren't waiting like out when I got here. When you looked at them, you should have seen the look on your face was fucking priced. I didn't think you'd really pull them out. Oh, yeah. I don't fuck around. If you guys weren't watching the pre-church periscope, Joey's like, I'm going to take my balls out.

And I was like, no, you're not. He's like, I'm going to do it. And I totally thought he was joking. And then he fucking pulled out. You have the weirdest, hugest balls. And that was huge. You got to see if I stand up and I dip them into your mouth. Oh, my God.

Oh, tea bag you. Joey, stop. Oh, my God. Stop. I'll scrub my ass real good and I'll tea bag you. They wouldn't even fit in my mouth. Yes, they wouldn't. They literally decided your head.

One at a time. One at a time. I think you put them on my Instagram. I'm going to get. Watch. I'm going to get it. So I was Instagram live. I used to be my favorite thing was teabagging and then

reaching over and three finger Louis with a pinkie. And so who could figure balls in their mouth? They're seriously they're the most enormous balls. Two feet away from you. No. Like I could be two feet away from you. And you got my balls from here to there. It's like a piece of bubble gum that you stepped on.

Oh, my God. No, they really are. And they've been like that since I was a kid. Holy shit. Shut up. When you were really little, did you have massive balls? But they're not balls like my dick. My dick shrunk over the years.

Because I was laying back. No. That you even when you stood up, they're like pancakes. And I got a beauty mark. No, you don't. I don't believe it. I'll show it to you. No, I don't want to see.

I trust you. It's a beautiful beauty mark. Oh, my God. I'm I'm dad. Sometimes when I'm home naked at night, there's nobody home. Sometimes I pull my balls to the side and I just take that skin and I rub it. I put cream on it to maintain them.

I've taken care of my nuts acts over the years. That's just called master rating. Isn't it? Isn't that just a version of master rating? Man, I got problems with that area because I can't. Your ball problems? Not ball problems. I have rash problems.

I have heat. I can't be around heat. Of course not. When I work out and stuff like that, the moisture, like I have to go right through the gym to wash. Ever since I've been a kid. Of course, because your balls are the longest. And I get and I get a rash under my armpits.

I can't have moisture under my armpits. Okay, I know that. My legs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm a fat fuck part of it. So I always take care of that area. When I come out of the shower, I dry it off. I put cream on it.

You know, you get. I like that. You have to take your. You're like a lady. You move your nuts around to give it some blood and oxygen. If I go like right now, I'm going to a new acupuncturist. But he looks horrible because you take your youth for granted. When you get to be old, you have to start doing different things.

I agree with that. But also. I'm not trying to be funny. I tell you that I put cream on my legs. I believe you. I got horrible fucking feet. I got a fun guy toenail. Oh, Jesus.

I don't know how to fuck. I'll keep my socks on when I eat them. What sort of lotion do you use? Is there a special ball lotion? Yeah, what kind of lotion? Goldbond? What do you put on? That's not lotion that's powder, right?

No. What do you use on your balls, Joey? Some cream my wife got from my mind. Oh, that's nice. Is it like Mary Kay? For your skin. No, no, no. It's for you.

I have my fucking. If I like anti-wrinkle or something. Mary Kay, make a ball cream. If I don't put, what do you call that? If I don't put. Look at your legs. You have no leg hair. Yeah, no, no, no.

If I don't put cream on my legs every day, it's like I'm chalky Joey. Well, yeah, I do that. And I drink water. I try to do everything I can. Chalky Joey. And let me tell you something. And I tell you this honestly.

Sometimes it gets so dry that it hurts. Like when I went to Boulder, Denver would leave this last time. That Friday, my fucking legs hurt from being so dry. Like I had to go right to the storm by cream. I know I'm a pussy. What do you want from me? I can't stop thinking about your balls.

Just so you know nothing you're saying is registering. Oh, no, no, no. I understand. You're done. You guys don't understand what I saw. I'm so, like his balls, they're so huge. And they look like one ball. And they look really like flappy and stuff. They're like flapjack balls.

Show the cover to us. This definitely can't go on YouTube. You guys should go on my Instagram live before it gets pulled. Because it's going to get pulled. No, you didn't show my balls on that. The first time I was ready, so I didn't have the camera pointed at you. The second time you whipped them out by total surprise.

Well, that's how you do it to people. You don't tell them. You don't announce. You don't say it coming into the room to the grand Santini. Don't even say that. And you drop your nutsack. We're going to get into trouble. You have to drop your nutsack.

So when somebody, well, I used to do this to men. I would do this to people just to throw them off. Shake that hand with my nutsack out. What are you talking about? I was a struggling comic. I always had a hole in my jeans. So a nutsack would pop out and I would squeeze it. So it would pop out like a pimple.

You know, I had Chinese women. Oh, God. I don't think they have it on Google. They have to have it somewhere. What are you looking for? What was he looking for? Your balls? The cover of my seat.

And here's the beauty thing. When I asked Felicia to do the picture, like I had, I was driving and I had, I went to the weed store and I'm like, wow. The name of the document is where I got my balls from. What am I going to do? A picture of my city? Anybody would do that.

So I went to a house because she's a professional photographer. Felicia? Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. She's fucking tremendous. I knocked on the door. As a matter of fact, the best pictures that you'll ever see of me,

which I don't like taking pictures because I'm not a good looking dude. Yes, you are. But Felicia takes a picture of me. She's phenomenal. Her photography with me really works. So I had seen that and she's a friend like you. So I knocked on the door and I told her the name of my documentary and I explained to her.

Can you take a photo of my balls? You asked her. I swear to God, I go, I did a big favor from you. I go and I told my wife already I was going to ask you because she's friends with my wife. Yeah. My wife, my wife. Your wife doesn't care, right?

No. When I told my wife at first, she looked at me like, she goes, you know what? That's between you and I. Like my wife is that cool. She goes, if you want, I go, well, who else is going to take a picture of my balls and do it professionally?

So I knocked on her door and I looked her in the eye and I'm like, listen, would you mind taking a picture of my balls for a cover? And at first you should have seen her face. Like at first. Did she think you were joking? Because I would totally think you were joking. Yeah, she thought I was joking.

But then she's a professional and she goes, okay, I'll go get my stuff. And she got all done up and everything like I said. She got done up. She put on like makeup to take. Like I got to her house and she was like in a robe basically. Like I'm like, let me talk to you about something. I love that she put on makeup to take a photo of your balls.

No, no, she just got dressed. Oh, she just got dressed. Oh, okay. You know what's funny is you saying your wife is so cool about it? Like, of course she is because a girl taking a photo of your balls is not a turn on. Like if you're taking naked photos of a hot chick, your guy, it's one thing no girl ever is going to see a dude's balls

and be like, I have to jump. I just found this picture. I just, I found the picture about a month ago in my old, you know, he goes through your old and you know, section you clean it out. Sure. I found that picture and like that whole day came to me and how. Of your balls.

We went into the back room and she goes, okay, and I turned around and I took my balls out and I held my dick. I covered it and I turned around and I never forget like her lens. She went like this, like this is exactly what she did. She took a camera and she looked and she put her camera down and she goes, show me your balls are huge. I have to get a little closer to you. And she walked a couple of steps closer to me and she goes,

if this turns into a blow job, I'm going to be pissed off. Right. She's like, wow, wow. Your balls are so weird and huge. I want to, I almost want to see your dick now, but I don't put. I put the fucking thing on, on, on Twitter when I first released the CD. When I first released it, it went like number one. Do you think that's because of your balls?

What can I, you know, I was raised, I was raised on covers. I really like album covers, you know. Me too. That one's really cool actually. I was looking at it. I'm looking at this cover here of Hotel California. Yeah. That's cool.

If I'm walking in a music store, Hotel California. Now, does it say Hotel California anywhere? It's just a picture of a fucking something about it. It looks like a hotel with trees around it. It does say it. It intrigues it. Yeah, it says Hotel California. It doesn't say Hotel California brand.

It's really cool. Actually, I would buy that and put it on my wall. Look at the lobby. Here it is. Yeah, it's dope. Can I see that? Yeah. Where is this?

Where is this? This is, this is, no, somewhere around here. Obviously, because they were recording in California at the time. I don't know exactly. We can find out. We can find out. It looks like Sam always a bispo or something. It's cool.

Something like that. I believe, look, look. I'm sure we go, oh God, oh God. Why? Why? Ew. No, they don't look like that anymore. Yes, they do.

No, they don't. They even better. I'm telling you, I was laying backwards. Holy shit. Remember, I was 315 then. For the people listening at home, not watching. We're looking at a photo of Joey's balls on his album cover, but I have to say, they don't look like that anymore.

First of all. First of all, if you can put the right one in your mouth and massage the other one with your left, like an exercise. You know how you girls like to exercise your wrist? Oh, the Ben Royal Balls. The Ben Royal Balls is the one I put in your asshole. And then pull them out once I blow a nut. Oh, Jesus.

You put a ball in a ball? A ball? Not your dick, a ball. In the 70s. In the 70s, the big thing was I come over your house, can't you do a couple of bums? And then what we do is right before you eat your monkey, we start swapping spit.

I lick your asshole and I insert a string of pearl, little Ben Royal Balls up your ass. And I leave them in there. That's anal beads, I think. And I leave them in there with the fuse. Like you have your period, you know, you have that little fuse. It's not a fuse. Jesus Christ.

Yeah, of course I know. A fuse. I've never heard that. And then I would give you a stab and when I was gonna crack a nut, I'd take out, put it in your mouth, and while I'm shooting jizz, I'd whip that fucking beads out of your asshole. Sounds not bad actually. No, no, no, it's a party.

Kate, this is a party. I can't stop looking at it. Like his balls are on the screen right next to me. They don't look like this. Can I just say, they don't look worse. I'll show them to you. No, please. Keep them in your...

You can do a comparison. Right now. I don't... We can do the Pepsi challenge. You want your balls really on YouTube? You'll get kicked off YouTube. I don't give a fuck with this. No, no, no.

He can take his balls out there. I just won't show that. Yeah, he won't show that. We'll do a comparison test. You can feel them, squeeze them. I'm not touching them. You should squeeze them. I'm not touching your balls.

That's when women really fall in love. When they squeeze them and they go, Jesus Christ, this is the real deal we feel. Can I just say two things about this? Okay, number one, what I love so much about you is you are someone who can talk to me this way and I never feel creeped out or threatened. No, why would you?

I know, but it's like, it's weird because... Why would you? There's a couple reasons. You're family. Yeah, like you calling Felicia and saying, can you take a photo of my balls? If 90% of guys... No, I would never, first off,

I would never call a woman and ask them that. I thought you did. No, I went to a house directly. Oh. I knocked on the door. Oh, that's better. I called them and said... You showed up at her house.

Hi, can I show you my balls and you take a photo? No, no, no, no. I called her from outside. I go, do you have a minute to talk? And she's like, hey, can you talk right now? She goes, yeah, what? I go on my side. She goes, I'll come in.

You called her from outside her house? Yeah. That's interesting. In those days, we were doing a podcast together. So we were goombas. Oh, it's different. So she was like, what's up? And I go, listen, I need a cover of my ballsack for a DVD

I'm trying to sell and the look on her face. But then if you're a photographer... That's not that big a deal. And you like art like that? Like sometimes I look at a picture from like the Andy Warhol days or something of a woman naked. Yeah. And you look at something and you see something different.

Yeah, of course. I mean, it's just like a comic watching comedy sees it different. Something different. So like that, I did it. I'm a comic and I did it for that reason. I have big balls and I wanted to show where I got them from. But at the same time, look how I left the underwear.

It's an artistic type picture. I can't believe you're wearing tidy whiteies. That's the best. Do you wear those still? No, I wear me undies now, you know, because they didn't sponsor me at the time. But I would love for somebody to frame that and put that in a museum.

If you send me that, I'll put it up in my apartment. I'm not kidding. I would love that. You would curate that. That's a good picture without the fucking gettings, whatever. But you know, the thing about Felicia doing that too though is she's a comic.

So like, I feel like women comedians, we hang out with guys so much. We're desensitized to things like looking at balls. I really, really believe that. Not that if a stranger poured his balls out, it wouldn't be slightly weirded out, but unless he was being scary, it's just balls. What's the big deal about taking a picture?

I would take a picture of these balls. Anybody, really. The world I'm from, it's really funny. I was thinking about this last night. Lee and I went to our friend Irene's room, a dear friend of mine. She's a comic. Irene Skia?

Yeah, she's a sweetheart. And you know, I met her at the Ha Ha one night. She hooked me up. She did me a favor. We've been solid ever since. She's cool, yeah. And I went and did her room last night. And it's so weird that here's Lee and I, you know,

I'm about to do the 930 fucking spot at the ice house. And I'm in a restaurant. I've been touring the back room. That is a quaint. Like when I go into those rooms, I totally, I feel like a bully. Why? What did I tell you, Lee?

A bully pedophile. Pedophile. Because I'm an old comic and an open mic. They're like, what are you doing? They love it though, right? What are you doing here that you have spots at the store? Why would you be in here? And so I learned so much from these young comics.

But it was funny. The main thing I learned last night is that after 27 years, I understand why I am the way I am with women comics. Because I feel that you just joined the Marines. Like if you hang out with me as a comic, you just joined the Marines. You were a green beret. You're in a guys club for sure.

Okay. No, no, no, no, no. Do you see guys around me? Do you see guys around me? No, I don't mean you. I mean comedians. Yeah, but I'm not. I mean women comedians are in a guys club.

Not you. But what I'm saying is that I have to act in front of you because you're a female comic. And I hate using this term. The same way I would act in front of Lee. If not, we can't be wombos. Exactly. So if I tell you Lee, if you're not gonna believe it,

I just scratch my nuts. That's why the sexual harassment thing doesn't work for me. There's a line with comedy where, yeah, I can't take it to a hotel room and take my dick off and jerk off in front of you. But I have to feel around and feel like, and that's the women that I've gotten along with in comedy have taught me such a lesson.

And I do it on purpose when I first meet a female comic and I'm around her and I kind of like her and I kind of respect her as a comic. I let her know who the fuck I am right off the bat. Like I'll say something raunchy. And if she don't talk to me no more, that's cool after that. She shows up like you, not raunchy in a sexual manner. No, yeah.

Like I'll say something like, look at this fucking cunt over here trying to tell me what the fuck to do. And I'll just, but just that statement will let you, you know where I'm coming from. That's true. But you also have a way of, do you remember the first time you talked to me?

Because I do on the phone. Do you remember this? Because I remember it. You have a way of letting the girl know you're not being a creep because you called me. I'll never forget this. You're awesome for doing this. I used to post those in a bikini photos.

I don't do it much anymore. I miss it where I would go to places. I'd wear a bikini, you know, you know this if they don't. And I shouldn't be there in a bikini, but I would act normal like a hospital. So I'd just be like pushing a gurney in a hospital in a bikini. And the funny thing about the photos was no one knows why I'm there.

So people are looking at me weird. So they're funny. You called me and I used to take shit for this, which we'll talk about. But like people hated that I was doing it. They were like, you can't be doing bikini photos and be a comic pick. And you called me and you said, hey, Joey Diaz,

I don't think we've really talked much, but I just wanted to tell you those in a bikini photos you do are so fucking funny. And you said, my wife and I sit around and laugh. We how? Yeah. But the minute you said my wife and I sit around laughing, it you let me know. Hey, I'm not trying to hit on you.

I'm not being creepy because I didn't know you yet. Well, you know, I didn't know you once. Yeah. I don't know how we followed each other, but I don't know. There was a six month thing there where, yeah, you're attractive and yeah, you're fucking hot with a bikini.

But those pictures you were showing me, you were putting yourself. It was a part of marketing that you did on your side that I think was genius. I remember times just howling because it was like you with cowboy boots talking to a homeless guy or you online and the faces on people online. I tried to look not hot in those photos on purpose.

Like the only hot thing was a bikini, but I would wear ugly shoes and be goofy. Goofy, yeah. That's what the thing was. And then I saw you did like this fucking podcast. The Hollywood Pool Party. Pool tub. I'm bringing that back.

Thinking you were like at the Chateau Madrid. We're a waiter, you know what I'm saying? I'm bringing that back to all things comedy. I really like as a small seven minute web series. Talk show. I'm doing it. I'm fucking hot. You have to do it.

Gay guy. No, no, no, no, no. The waiter's got to be a hot gay guy that because Lee and I have been talking about flipping people. Can you imagine me being gay? But I thought you flipped me like you flipped me. Like you're like, Joey, you're so hot. You have to fuck me.

Like and you flipped me. What, what? You can't flip a gay guy. I mean, I've made out with some gay guys. Okay. They never tried to bang me. That's crazy. No, because they're gay.

So what? You can flip a girl. Maybe. Oh, yeah, you could always flip a chick. Yeah, but you can't flip a guy. This was coming quick. But you, you know, you were just, I used to call my wife over and go take a look at this.

And my wife could go, what? I go, just look. And then me and my wife caught one of them and we both were howling. And I know that my wife is by the book. And just from her laugh, I knew I wasn't crazy. You did something that was really funny. You were online.

There was a black woman looking at you weird or something. Oh, yeah. I remember that. And that was the one that I... The ice cream truck. But I go, Lee, I got to get that girl on the podcast. Thank you. Well, it was cool too.

Because when you told me your wife liked him, that's also great because I like to be the girl that's cool with whoever your girl is always. So if I have... If I'm friends with a guy who has a girlfriend, I try to make that girl feel like super cool. Like I'm not trying to steal your guy. So once you told me your wife liked it,

then I felt cool about us being friends too. Like it just made the whole thing easy. Dom Raer is the same way. No, I try to let female comics around me. They get to a certain point where I really like them. I'll try to... As soon as I see my wife, I go, this is who this is. Say hello to them.

But it gets better over time too because I know you now. Like the longer you're friends too, it's like you can say anything to me, but I'm also hard to offend, man. I even got in trouble today. Somebody called me out today for... I see shit on your Twitter constantly. It's like, but what these people don't understand is

when they give you shit, they're just giving you a spotlight. If you don't like Kate Rowan or Bikini on Twitter, unfriend her, block her. Yeah. Don't say I think you're the most untalented chick and you're hot and you use it. Because I read some of those sometimes.

Yeah. And I feel like responding and I go, they don't understand that they're giving Kate free fucking publicity. It's weird because I told you this, but it used to bother me more when I... Like a few years back, Sam Tripoli gave me the best advice

when I was like new in comedy. I asked him... Because I love Sam and I respect Sam's opinion. And I asked him, I said, do you think I should not post sexy photos do anything with skin? Everybody's giving me shit. You know what Sam said to me?

He said, get all the eyeballs on you can. Everyone in town will know your name and then prove that you're funny. So it won't matter. Yeah. That's basically it. That's it. But for a few years,

I felt like I was doing that and I was like an okay comic, but I was new. I wasn't great. You know, I'm still not saying I'm amazing, but what I know now is I can back it up. So now when people talk shit, I'm less insecure. I used to really...

I used to want everybody's respect so fucking bad. My peers to the point where it started to make me hold back on posting some things I wanted to. I didn't follow my gut all the time because I wanted comics respect. But then I was like, you know,

the thing is the comics aren't paying my bills. They're not the ones that really matter. And the ones I do respect truly respect me back because they see my grind in my hustle and how hard I... Like I fucking worked the first two years I did comedy here in LA.

I would fucking go up at any shitty bar show, Mike, anywhere. I would do like three, four spots a night. And I mean, that's why when people say stuff, now it doesn't bother me as much. But man, you know, it's weird. Every once in a while, someone will say something that's still...

I'm sensitive, I'm a person. Every once in a while, something will get to me. You know, I get caught up in that too on Twitter sometimes. People say something, depending on what you're going through. That's what it is. At that time.

That's what it is. Sometimes you're walking in and I just did... I just me and Lee just went for sushi on Friday for Good Friday and we got high. And we walked in and... You know, I do two shows, three shows. I bomb and one, I kill and the other.

I go home and some guys bitching, Joey, you're a liar. You say that you charge $20 that you keep your ticket prices. It's $27, $20, $27. I'm talking about that range. And then the club charges like a $7 fucking ticket fee.

I look at what comics are charging and my jaws drop. My jaws drop. I'm more of a working man's comic. I know you like to keep it low. I try to keep it... Listen, in New York, you got to keep between $27, $30, $250.

I think you're a fucking sham. You know what? The agents are telling you. They'll all tell you. We all get attacked at different levels and you have to... It's our reaction that... Sometimes my reaction is a fucking crude butted one

and sometimes I'm so caught up in what I'm doing that I just move on with my life. You know what's funny is I used to say, and it's really true, that if you follow me closely enough online, you can tell when I'm on my period by the way I respond. Because most of the time,

the trolls go right over my head. I really don't care. But every once in a while, when I'm like PMSing, I get more offended and I'll reply a little. I can tell when I'm punching back, it's because I'm PMSing always. What are your dates?

What days of the month usually you're at? That I have my period? That's what's funny. I don't know because I'm really athletic. So it's kind of spotty, but I know and it's coming because of how I react to trolls. One of my girlfriends,

I had her scheduled down to a fucking tee. Like some guys are just so perverted. That's amazing. I knew those days I wouldn't have to buy coke and be around the... No way. Because I couldn't eat a pussy. Yeah, we're good at doing coke with you

if I can't eat your monkey. I gotta listen to that. You're beaten. Well, I know when I start to get really horny and a little crampy, it's coming and I'm not gonna lie. I start looking for someone to fuck around that time because I know once I get it,

I won't be able to for four or five days. And if I'm not having sex at all, it kind of goes away the urge. It's like breaking the seal, right? But once I start, if I'm hooking up with someone or two people, whatever, then I gotta get laid off in.

I need it. So right before my period, I make sure to time it. And then right at the end, I try to find someone because they can come in you that day and you won't give in. You're such a fucking savage.

I said I wasn't gonna talk about sex on here when we talked about your balls. My balls weren't sex. I showed you my balls as an awakening. It's like, Jesus, come out the fucking hole today. And there's a thing I don't get. Just to let you know, pack and eat like a motherfucker,

even at 55. The period. I don't care about the period at all. I won't eat you out. Listen, let's not discuss period around. The first day? I've got a couple of animals in me and... Oh, we can't talk about periods,

but you can whip your balls out? I don't want to talk about blood. I don't want to talk about blood. All right. Who wants to talk about blood? I don't really want to talk about blood, either. Jesus got killed on Friday. You should have talked about blood on Friday,

not tonight. All right. I don't think we should really compare your balls to Jesus. What don't you get about periods, Lee? No, I just don't get that. Anything. No, the craziness that you do, you talk about taking the tinfoil out of a girl's asshole.

Like, you do all that, but a period, you won't even see them. It doesn't... Hold on. Why is there tinfoil? When did you say tinfoil? Son, check. I was dating one time.

I was giving it to her in the muffler. And something was hitting my... Something felt weird. And when I pulled out, she must have had, like, a Hershey kiss, and she swallowed the aluminum foil by mistake or something. What? And I just took it out, put it to the side, and...

Wait, you think she digested it first? You think it was digested tinfoil? What am I, doctor? I'm one of my Dr. Ken. I don't know. I look Chinese. Yeah, you're fucked. I don't fucking know.

That's fucking crazy. You're so... You're... You're... Oh, God, Joey. I love you so much. You're fucking young. You go through these escapades.

I don't have a little blood, no. Especially when you're a comic. You go through... If you're traveling and you're going to weird cities, these things start to happen that you just can't believe are happening. Being a girl on the road is especially... Like, it's getting a little weird for me. Yes.

I'm also, like, I don't know. I don't... You can't do one-nighters. I wouldn't... I would send you to a club where, you know, you should take a feature with you. That's your buddy. I try to always.

Some clubs won't let you, though. Yeah, they do. If you tell them you're bringing a feature... You're Joey Diaz. If you do whatever you want. But you're a female. I think that you should be comfortable. There's a guy that you feel comfortable around that you're not sleeping with.

That's why I take Jack Jr. That you truly... You could connect with him and write with him. Yep. That's what I would do if I was you. Just so I walk you to your door. You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah.

You go to your door. I see you in the morning. Call me. I'll be in my room if you're hungry. Come over. You know, whatever will smoke. I like that. I like that, too.

I like having someone on the road, too, just because it can get depressing sometimes, you know, and lonely and like... It's just nice to have somebody there. I like Lee. I like Lee a lot. I like taking him on the road. I only feel guilty about one thing with Lee.

That he's on his own during the daytime. We might hook up for lunch and then I'll go back to my room. That's why I love it. But that's why Lee loves it. He has his own adventures. That's why he goes and has his little sneak around things where he goes and eats his favorite shit. That's not a big deal, though.

I tell all the people I bring during the day I like to chill. I do. I don't like to be around people all day, but after the show, it's nice to have somebody to kick it with, you know? Red Band's fun. Red Band and I have fun on the road. A lot.

Too much, actually. Red Band... He's a psycho. He's a lot of fun. I fucking love him, man. You gotta remember, I used to go out with Red Band in 2003. Back in the day.

Back in the day. And it was him dunking me and Ari and Joe. And then Joe got really big. And it was at any problem. It's hate to that. So... Every week? Every time Joe went on the road.

You know, sometimes Duncan wouldn't go, but I still remember a young Red Band. Very shy, very much like Lee. And then he started drinking. And the best is when I got him Coke and Austin. Because this had to be... I stopped doing Coke in 2007. So this has to be 2003 when people would hate me before Rogan.

But Rogan, I was such a high-energy dirty comic that I would create such a ruckus that he would force himself to follow me. Yeah, I can't imagine. You're hard to follow. He wasn't that this is why Rogan is so good. He took a challenge on. It's weird that we have a mutual friend at the fourth wall.

You and Rogan? No, Lee. At the fourth wall, that's Sean. The open mic you go to in the valley? Yeah, right down the corner. I haven't been there yet. Your buddy. The guy that took you to the fucking gay bar.

Eric. Eric. And it's funny that one day Eric pulled me aside and he goes, I want you to tell me about Paul Mooney following Paul Mooney at the store. And last night I started talking about that, that open mic, because while I was sitting there watching these young kids doing comedy, you know, going,

fuck, we have to go from here to a library and do a set. I admire that shit. I did that. You got to. Yeah, I still remember that shit. But I still remember getting past at the comedy store and thinking I was hot shit for about a week. Because the first night, the first spot they gave me,

I got bumped by a fucking Eddie Griffin. I didn't get to go up. He did four hours that night. Hilarious. And then she gave me a spot two nights later and I had to follow Paul Mooney who I had just, like, I had started hearing of my Paul Mooney like in 92. And that's, you know, there was no internet for me.

So I read a Richard Pryor book where he broke down Paul Mooney and his relationship and their allegations that he sucked his dick one night. Because Paul was... I remember hearing that. Paul's gang, which I give him a... I love Paul Mooney, by the way, guys. He was a big influence in my life and as a comic.

But it was so weird because here I thought I made it. Yeah. But now I had another hurdle, bitch. I had to make those sets happen at the store. And these were my killers, okay? The guys I could not even follow were... Number one was Paul Mooney. Number two was Dom Ireira.

Dom is amazing. All right. This was Dom 20 years ago. And number three was this cool ass black dude. And I've told the story before on the podcast that it was a hurdle because I didn't know who I was going to follow between these three guys. And one of these guys could do as much time as he wanted,

which was Paul Mooney, which meant I had to sit there and watch him. I couldn't be in the hallway talking to Kate and Lee about tomorrow's day. So for two years, I would sit there. My spot would always be at 12, 15. 12, 15, my ass. I wouldn't get on to one of those days. And I would have to sit there and watch Paul Mooney and see how he would navigate an audience, Kate.

And I saw some good headliners in those days. I saw people that were fucking killers in those days. But he was, he would go up on stage and he's like, you know, how are you white people doing tonight? Shit, you know, oh, uh, you know, look at half the white people walking out of the room down 911. There's a nigger on stage who won't stop saying nigger. And hilarious.

And then from there, he would just go on these roads. And I would have to sit there and every, like Lee, you know, how you skate yourself to death. Think about scaring yourself to death following this guy. Of course. And then he would bring you up and half the room would get up to really make you feel bad about yourself. And leave, you mean?

Yeah. Like if there was 34 people in the room, 20 would get up. And he would bring you up and I'd take the mic, Lee, and I'd try to do my material and, oh my God, you want to talk about, I was telling Lee about that ball of sweat that sometimes you wear a loose shirt. I remember you saying that. But it starts by your neck and you could feel it running down your back or down your fat stomach or something.

Like I went through a hundred of those things. Of course. Because she was giving me four spots a week following those fucking savages. Yeah, but you know what's worse than everyone half the room leaving before you go on is if they leave after you go on. That to me is worse. No. How about when they leave as you're on stage?

How does that fucking feel? You know what's interesting? I think because I'm a chick, people are nicer because I even when I was really bad, I rarely ever had people heckle mean walk out. I think people are nicer to female comics. Okay, so you have. I have a little bit of an advantage. You have so many advantages and so many disadvantages.

I agree. But here's the disadvantage that you have that slightly. And it's not a disadvantage. I know what you're saying. The advantage is this. If you're married. Okay. Who do you think makes?

I think if you look it up. I mean, I'm talking to you guys from scientific and studies. As a salesman's point of view, if Lee Sian is married and he's married to Kate quickly and they contact hot and say that they want to buy a house. Yeah. They just got married a year ago. Lee's a comedy writer for a TV show. Kate's making the half million dollars a year on the road.

And you guys come to me as a realtor. I know during the conversation, I'm going to shake Lee's hand. But you know, I'm picking. I'm talking to her. Yep. My conversation is basically going to be based on Kate. I'm going to do some research on Lee and know that he's number one podcast. I'm bird cast, but I'm also going to focus on Lee because 70% only exact percentages

of a family are made by the wife. That hurts when I'm sitting down in a comedy club and I'm a woman and I'm 38 and I've just had two children and I feel a little overweight and I'm sitting with my husband and Kate walks in and as soon as my husband walks in, as soon as Kate walks in, if me and my husband are sitting there with the cocktail here and we're holding hands, as soon as Kate walks in, your husband pulls the hand away. No. Oh my God.

I've seen it. I've done study. This is what I did all those years as a feature act. Yeah, no, I agree. I sat there even though I had a little line of coke in me once I finished for the night. I would do a line of coke and my focus was on the audience to learn what the headline was doing. Can I say something about this?

Do this. Because I'm so glad you brought this up. I've been talking about this so much lately and I'm not saying this in a way like, I'm killing lately. It's not that, but I made a realization. It was probably about a year ago where I started really focusing at least the first half of my act on the women. Everything is self-deprecating at the top, right?

So the women don't think I think like, um, hot shit, whatever when I come out. I always, you know, I dress down anyway. In real life, I do though. But I realized something which is, and this is, you're right. It's like a sales thing, but it comes through in comedy too. If you win the women, you win the room, period. Yes. Because once the women are on your side, which is why lately I've been feeling like I'm a

little borderline like being jaded guy-hater girl, just a little sometimes. But then I try to turn it back towards the end. But the thing is when I, when I say like, I can say on stage like, I'm, you guys are going to hate me, but this is for the women. I'm going to stick up for the women. The women fucking, they love it. They're on your side. And then the guy can laugh because now the girl likes you.

So the guy's allowed to laugh. But if you don't have the women, you lose. Well, what happens is that, all right, a couple going to date and there's three comedians and all three of them are men. Yeah. So two of the guys are going to go up there and goof around with women. So that night, the date night, yeah, Joey Diaz was funny and Lee was funny, but I didn't feel like I had a voice that night.

That's why I like working with women on the show because I like, I really enjoy it. You know, I agree. It's different. One of the best things I used to love about the comedy store was Saturday nights. And even though I used to have to go up on midnight and 1245, I would go up there about nine. I would secure my grandma blow. It was always in my pocket. I wouldn't snort it and I'd bounce from room to room.

You know, Mitzi Shaw, when she created the comedy store, her belief that it was really going to be a comedy, a comedy university. Yeah, it really is. If you read the back, she touts it as a comedy university, which means that you're going to go there and spend time there. One of the great things was the other night, Lee, did you see this? Somebody tweeted from the store. The best thing about the store is you go into one room and see Joey

and go into the other room and watch Joe Rogan. They did a video of it, just walking in. And I did that as a human being, Lee. It's true. So one of the things I learned years ago, when I first moved here, there was a comedian. No reason to mention names. Very hot girl. Yeah.

No, a fucking train. I don't know. You said a hot comedian. That could be a guy in my mind. She was very hot and she wore cleavage. And I remember Lee and I had a discussion last night about ever going up to a comic and saying something. And I usually shut my fucking mouth.

She wasn't as hot as you face-wise, but her tits were redone. And they were pointy. They were perfect. And it was pure cleavage. And I remember going, let me do an experiment here. This is called the Joey Diaz experiment, where I watch where you're going. I watch your career along mine. I don't wish it bad or put a balloon on it.

You watch. I just want to watch moves that you make. We all watch. And she got an episode of a show called Real Sex on HBO years ago. This is the 90s. She got an episode of these actors on that show? Yeah, I don't know what it was. And basically disappeared because I always thought that tits were the first thing they focused at.

And it was tough for a 40-year-old guy that's been married to his wife for 20 years to really get the material. I always thought that experiment. Look, in my mind, it was right. A tits were too big. When I see a woman that's as attractive on you on stage, did that work with you on time and tell you to get dolled up? You did tell me to dress up more once.

But I forget how you said it. You said it's like putting a Lamborghini in a... Yeah, I said to you that why give a $10,000 presentation and $10 shooting? Something like that. Yeah. It's what I said to you. That's what... I dress up sometimes a little.

And I meant it to you, yeah. You have to because the first thing I don't want to see, you know, what's the first thing I see when I see Kate Quigley going up to the stage as a... You know, I'm thinking about the audience here. Something that we don't think about from the beginning. I think, and Lee is great. This is why I knew Lee would become a good comic. This is why Lee took the comedy because for years Lee watched comedy.

Yeah. He would go on dates to watch comedy. If I'm out of town, Lee, what are you doing? I'm not going to watch... And he would tell me a name and I'd go, why would you go watch him? He likes comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For sure. I love comedy too. He watched comedy and that's the thing about me. I love watching. I like watching too. Now, not before I got into comedy. Now I love watching live comedy. I always liked watching, to be honest, growing up and stuff,

but it's funny you said that because Rich Voss said that about me. He said, oh, I liked you because you stayed and watched my set in the belly room. I knew you liked watching comedy, something like that. Well, you know, here's the thing about how I dress on stage. In LA, to be really honest, I don't think as much about it because some nights it's like, I just want to be comfortable. I throw in a hat, a flannel, the ha ha, whatever. Sometimes I don't really think about it.

When I'm on the road, I put a little more thought into it. I don't dress up. I think it was Eric Griffin gave me the best advice. He said, dress for your material and that's really what I do. And it sounds weird and maybe it's psychological, but I notice if I look cute, girl next door, kind of sporty, a little maybe dressed up, I have better sets. If I look, if I wear dark colors, black leather, anything too like cool, it's harder because it makes my dirtier material seem like, oh, you look like a girl who would do

dirty material. The contrast is funnier if you look innocent and do dirty jokes. It's funnier. It's more unexpected than if you look like, if I had a bunch of tattoos and like tons of makeup and, you know, cleavage and do dirty jokes, that's not really funny because you're like, well, yeah, of course, she's the bitch telling dick jokes. Can you imagine on top of writing jokes and getting sets, this is also the journey that you learn, what works for you even as an outfit.

Yeah. But I told this to who is it? Rick Bronson, you know, the guy that owns the house of comedy. Good, great guy. Great clubs. I love him. I love the clubs. Yeah.

But I told him, I said, I feel like this is where some comics miss the mark a little because you got to have good jokes and you got to be talented. But 50% of this, it's a business, you know, it's a lot of branding. It's a lot of like, you got to present yourself in a certain way and you have to think about all of that. So it's not enough to just do jokes and be good on stage. That's important. But I don't know, man.

I just really try hard. Like even with my Instagram, it's funny. People always bring up. Can you go to Young Comedians Lenny Clark real quick? Pour that shit up. You know, when I first got into comedy, I was just separated. Oh, yeah. Like I just, I was married when I got on stage the first time.

Me too. But I was separated within August, September, October, three months. Same. And the first couple of times I went on stage, you know, you're just barely thinking about going on stage and what works for you. I was so nervous to begin. And that's when I started renting movies and comedy videos. Go to that one right there.

This was one of the early influences I had. You could turn it up if you want. This is when Rodney was Rodney. Hey, look at you. You hold my hand. I got excited. Hey, come on. Watch my show tonight.

After the show. I was doing comedy for about a year. And that's when I started watching more tape. Tell your husband you're busy tonight. You know, there was more tape. I was indebted. Why didn't you tell him? I would get great comics, but I wanted to see more.

So I would, you didn't go on the internet to see comedy. Then you had to go to a video store. So I rented the best of BET. And I would watch the Tory Brothers and bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. And look at this fucking lineup. Oh shit. Yeah. Look at this lineup in 1987.

Have you ever seen anything? Look at this lineup. Amazing. Look at this fucking lineup. Look at this opening. Look at this lineup. Look at this lineup. You've never seen this.

This is your homework. Assignment. This is how to become a comedian. Look at this lineup. Robert Schimmel. This is how to become a comedian. Barry Sobel. What was this on?

This was HBO. Amazing. When Rodney got hot, my bull, look at him. Fucking 59, 60. Look what they gave him. They gave him that chick. Everybody else got hot. That's hilarious.

These things are hilarious. Now watch this. So a year into comedy, can you put volume to this? A year into comedy. This is what I watched. And this was what I watched every fucking night. Watch this. What a crowd.

What a night. What a bullshit artist. Now I tell you I'm all right now, but last week I was in rough shape, you know. Now last week I made love to an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me. I tell you what, girls, I never had any look. I'm not a sexy guy.

My dog found out we look alike. He killed himself. Oh, I know I'm not sexy. In high school, I was voted most likely to masturbate. That's okay. This is my comedy lesson. Am I right? This is classic shit.

I'll be the one to watch. She was afraid of the dog. She saw me naked. Now she's afraid of the light. Well, my wife, I never get a break. We made a rule. We only smoke after sex. I got a same pack now since 1975.

And my wife, she's up to three packs a day. He's like... He's rocking this audience, man. I'm waiting for him to do the Frasier Smith snap. That's okay. He's amazing. My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

You've never seen this guy. No respect. Not this. You've never seen him. I've seen him. This is a bomber out of this tape. But I've never seen this guy. Oh, my God, Kate.

I got to watch this. You were going to buy this? Is this whole thing on YouTube, the whole thing? Yeah, I think so. I'm going to watch it. When I was a kid, Halloween, my old man dressed me as a hydrant, took me to a dog show.

Yo, Lee, you got to tweet this link out so I remember it with something. When I was a child, and I had my whole family were drunks. When I was missing, they put my picture in a bottle of scotch. That's hilarious. When I was a child,

did my uncle's dying wish he wanted me on his lap? He was in the electric chair. Oh, it's funny. That's all right. And my doctor, too. That's another one. You know my doctor. Dr. Vinnie Boombast.

No, my doctor. I got a way for a doctor. He's really mixed. He grabbed my knee and told me to cough. It hit me in the balls with a hammer. It's amazing how well some of this stuff holds up. Not every jerk, but like almost all of them. Am I supposed to do a jerk him off, too?

Amazing. Every time he would do a set, it was fucking new. Every time. Because he had three years of material. Kate, I used to watch this and cry. Loathe this a little bit, Lee. But watch this.

But as soon as I saw him, I started wearing suits. Little loudly. You're in a suit with the hilarious. Watch this. And Lenny Clark. Let's make him happy. Watch, this was my first idol. When I saw this kid out of Boston,

look at the suit he had on. That brought the exact same suit. Oh, thank you very, very much. How's everyone doing? Y'all have a good day? Yeah, my day sucked, too. It's okay. I'm not like a lot of these guys you see on TV.

Hi, hello, how are you? What a nice looking crowd. Funny thing happened to me today. Nothing fucking funny happened to me today. I'm lying to bed around 7 o'clock this morning. I get in around 6.55. So I'm fighting for sleep. My wife comes bouncing in the bed.

She says, come on, Lenny. It's nice. So let's go out and play. Because she likes that. She's young. She's 15. Well, in a couple of months. But I said, honey, I said, I don't want to play.

She said, what do you want to do? I said, why don't we have a couple of beers and watch some cartoons on TV? You're going to drink in the morning? I hate you when you drink. I said, good, because I hate you when I'm not drinking. All right, speed up, Sundar Morer. Yeah, work, folks.

What's this shit? Oh, my God. Kate, you didn't notice? Dude, I've seen tape of Dom, but not this. They're assuming the position. Keep going. Keep going. The thing about Dom and these guys is like, Dom's still.

Keep going. Keep going. Click and see what you got. So she can really shit her pants. All right. Oh, yeah. Go before her. See what happens.

I think Dom is before her. Dom spits jokes. No, faster. He spits jokes like he's breathing still. You know what I mean? Like, he doesn't even think. This is what the life is. Look at this.

Yeah. This is it, Lee. This is. I just want to see him. He went to see you. Yeah. Well, he came to see me too. Yeah.

He's a psycho. I love him. See, he lived to not say anything. Look at him. He would do an exercise and not say a word for two minutes. He still kind of does. He does this. Yeah.

Lee, can you imagine going up there and forcing yourself? Little Miss Muffet sat on a topic. He's so stupid. Eating occurred some way. Long came a Spidey, sat down beside. He said, hey, what's in the bowl, bitch? Jack and Joe went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter. Joe came down with 250.

Speed it up a little bit. Now, Dice ends up destroying this room. I'm sure. Right here. Right there. He's so funny. Keep going. This guy goes on.

And Dice really fucks this room up. But this is a history lesson. This is what Tommy, he followed Dice. There is news for smokers. I'm sure you all have noticed. Certain genitals warnings are different on the sides of each pack. That's pretty cool. Mind say, certain genitals warning, cigarette smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth.

Hey, fuck it. Just don't get the one to say lung cancer. It is your body you should shop around, I think. I can live with low birth weight, you know? That's nice. The cigarette companies come out with different types of diseases. You find the one you can live with, continue to smoke. Like, what are you smoking, Tom?

Uh, throat polyps. I'm going to stick with my yellow fingernails, buddy. Thank you. I can live with yellow fingernails. Speed it up a little bit. I know guys do take breakups hard. I was reading about Vincent van... Oh, no, no.

Go back to that. Excuse me. Go back to that. Vincent van Gogh. You ever hear that? Tom? Uh, throat polyps. Go back to this.

I think it's an extra. It's an extra. You never heard this, okay? I don't think so. I'm going to stick with my yellow fingernails, buddy. Thank you. I can live with yellow fingernails. I know guys do take breakups hard.

I was reading about Vincent van Gogh. You know what he did? Cut off his ear. Sent it to the girl that left him. Yeah, that makes a dozen roses look like a bug or that. I didn't know he did that. Watch this. You sure she's the one?

Vance, think about it. Vance is going, what? Is that Susie? Did she call back? What? Did she call back? This is brilliant. This is comedy 101 if you're a young comic.

Speed it up to Dom Herrera. Dom has to follow Bill fucking Hicks. That side over this break up. So next time you see Dom, think about that. Cut off, here we go. All right. This is crazy, K. I got to see you have a good time with him.

This is late. This is 1987. It's four years later. It's how long? Four years later? God bless you. I love you. You're beautiful.

Before I go into my hilarious comedy routine. I would like to talk to you as a real man. Not one of these bullshit comedy characters you'll see so much of. I love you. I hope to God you're happy. I hope you're healthy. I hope all of you are regular. I am not one of these vile or vulgar comedians.

I say only cute words. Excuse me. I have to poop. Excuse me. I have... That's how good he was. Not I have to pinch a loaf or to cap a squat. To roll some logs or to heave a Havana.

These are disgusting things and I don't talk like that. Do you? I don't. Do you? I don't. As I have to poop, I have to pee. Excuse me. Excuse me.

I have to pee. I have to pee. Bad and I'm not kidding this time. Come on. I really gotta go. Come on, will you? How do you want? Not I have to shake my monster.

Or to drain my lizard. To squeeze the weeds. To drain the van. Or to choke the chicken. What kind of talk is this? To choke the chicken. I don't talk like that. Do you?

I don't. Do you? I don't. Why do they have to ruin? Even to make love, they ruin. They ruin. My God, I hurt my throat. I can't go on.

The arrogant, big mouth husband. What did I tell you last night? Mr. McChoice is excuse me, fellas. I have to go home. What year did this come out? To pork my wife. What kind of talk is this? But think about it.

This was 97, 2000. This is 30 years ago. To hump my husband. And he's still out there doing nothing, baby. That's crazy. Are you imagining 30, 70 years of your life, Lee? No. That's wild.

Okay, this is good. Keep it coming. To shove the sherbet. To slam the hem. To slap the monkey. To yodel in the can. To squeeze the weeds. To smack little Johnny behind the ear.

After kicks, dice. This is brilliant. We don't know how lucky we are to be around. I was just going to say. I don't talk like that. It gives me chills sometimes. Because we do forget. I forget.

I never forgot this show. And he didn't like me in the beginning. You know what I mean? And it broke my heart. I say that I am not gay, not right now. But if I were to go to prison, I think I'd like to be in the same cell with you. Maybe we could just spend schooners.

The night is young. The cell, she's also small. Or can't you hear me screaming in the night? What happens when you turn gay? They always talk about a guy turning gay. Like he was the wolf man or something. Oh yeah, I heard he turned gay. Hi.

Oh my god, he turned gay. He was a lumberjack this morning. I got to go out and knock down some trees. I'll be back. He comes back in. Oh, this place is a mess. It's so busy. Straight and gay is an interesting phenomenon.

You never see two straight guys dancing with each other. You'll see gay guys, straight women. You never see two straight guys. Hey Al, big Al, would you care to boogie? Come over here and wrap those construction work or meat hooks around my big, hairy, mole-filled, muscle-bound back, Alan. Spin me, will you?

Spin me like you know I like to be spinned. Hold me like you know I need to be held out. Come on, put your hairy man hooks on me, big boy. You know what's crazy about comedy that I think a lot of people don't realize is he still does that. I have a school for Italians. He still does some of these jokes.

But in a different manner. No, the opposite. What I was going to say is people just don't, I don't think people necessarily realize so much like once it's crafted. I mean sometimes you still add to stuff forever, but like some of these jokes he does, every beat word is exactly the same, which is just,

it's like people think sometimes we just make it up in the moment. I know lots of people. Somebody said to me the other day, I saw, I saw Crystal Lee. I can believe he just made everything up. Because it looks that easy. He sells it.

You have to sell it. It looks that easy. Yeah. Crystal Lee is very good. I know. And he sells it. Let's do a little Tony Bennett cocksucker. It is funny, man.

We just are so lucky. I really do take it for granted. I got to tell you my Chappelle story after the, are you doing a break? No, we're doing a little fucking Tony Bennett. What's going on here, Lee? It's Tuesday, April 2nd. You got another shot.

You start from zero. Here we go, baby. I'm going to take the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some somebody, twice as smart as I. Somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with Lee. Who'll leave you to learn that misery. You know, I talked, Lee came to the gigs with me last night. And I'm happy that he's doing stand up.

But I'm also happy that he's on a journey. A journey is so fucking important in life sometimes. And it's a journey that had highs and lows. So it's not always glamorous. You know, when I took Lee to Denver with me, I put him up at the condo at the comedy works. And when the comics found out, I could see how they reacted. You know what I'm saying?

Because most people have to work for 20 years to go in that condo. Oh, really? But I get to show you the highs and the lows. Of going from, you know, that to going to the ice house. And even for you, you went from doing comedy in front of 10 comics to doing comedy in front of 100 paid ticket people that were really happy to see you. They applauded for you. They brought you up.

So sometimes people miss this whole thing. This is Don Marrera. And I can't tell from me. Is it 1987 or 97? 80. 87. That's 30 fucking years ago. Let's say he was already doing comedy seven or eight years at the time.

That means he's been in this business for 30. Could you admit, imagine Lee doing anything for 38 years? No, it's my whole life. Like it's more than my whole life. I'm saying to you to call like how fast the college go. You did college in four years, correct? I actually did it fast. I didn't think but I just like these seven years

that have been in LA six with you has been, it goes by quicker than you think. It goes by very fast. That's what comics don't understand. I could tell that those comics that were in the room last night, excuse me, have been doing comedy anywhere from eight to nine years. What room? Where were you? At Mooney's Cafe.

Oh. Is that it for what? Rumi's? I think something like that. It's one of Irene's room. And these guys are doing comedy between eight and 10 years. You think so? You know, it could be four to six.

It doesn't matter because at that point, how long have you been doing comedy? About eight years, seven, eight years. Did you have any doubts? Sure. But when I first started, I did. At what years did you have your doubts? I got what points? I still go through moments but for real, like the first two years I did comedy,

I would get so nervous and I've been on stage my whole life. But I mean, I would wake up in the morning, if I had a show at eight, I'd be nauseous all day. So nervous I'd want to cancel and sometimes I would. So I just thought I shouldn't be doing this or I wouldn't feel this way. But then every time I go on, I would do okay. Well enough that it would be fun and I'd want to do it again. But then the next day, the anxiety would fucking start all over again. But I was also married at the time and my ex was really trying to tell me like,

what to kind of say and stuff not on purpose. But he was like, don't do jokes about my family. Don't do blah, blah, blah, whatever. Once I got divorced, I'm telling you, I think it's going through the divorce was so hard. I was like, if I can deal with this, I can fucking do comedy. And I just wanted it different and I didn't care anymore either because I didn't care about being famous. When I moved to LA, I cared about being famous.

I was a kid. I wanted to be famous. I came out here. I started working, whatever, acting, commercials, little modeling. And then I started doing comedy for real. When I started realizing how much I loved comedy, when I started to kind of get it, be myself on stage, it started clicking. Every ounce of wanting to be famous went away.

I didn't care anymore. Where was the first place you got on stage at? First place I ever got on stage was Room 5. Doing stand-up, Room 5, which is Acme Comedy School has like a side room. On La Brea in LA. That was the first. The second place was a comedy store. It was a bringer show at the comedy store,

which for people who don't know means basically like, you get to go on stage, but you have to bring like 10, make 10 of your friends come watch you and they hate you because you make them keep coming back. You're like, you have to come see me again or they won't let you on stage if they don't show up. So your fucking friends are going broke. You're the thing there.

Joey, put your fucking Jesus face. Joey just pulled his balls out again. I got you. I am. I got you. Me too. This is a me too moment. You owe me now.

You owe me a thousand dollars. Do you know how much trouble I'm in, by the way? First on stage, I do me too jokes. And I honestly really said in Ohio, if anyone wants to jerk off in front of me for like $500,000, meet me in the hallway after the show. And people are mad. No, listen, no, no, listen.

Nobody's jerked you off. It's like trick-or-treat. If you want to pull your balls up. I just had to do it to you. I hate people the whole day at this time. It was such a serious talk we're having. Oh, we're definitely on YouTube now. It was a real moment.

Because I had you turn around and then you looked back into it, so it's a mistake. I hope you're butt cheeks. We're on camera. No, there was no butt cheeks out. It's like looking right into the sun. It's like my eyes are burned. Nobody sees nothing.

You know what I'm saying? Nobody saw nothing but you. You should have put your butt cheeks out. At least give the people a show. It's just a hairy asshole that's brown. It's got for you. You ever look inside a tree? You ever cut a tree in half?

Yeah. And you ever look inside a tree and it has the circles around from all the years? That's what your butt hole looks like every year? It gets a new circle? It gets new circles. It's filters. It's 50 years of fucking shit.

What do you think your ass is about to look like? Jesus Christ, Joey. God damn it. You have a beautiful ass hole at this point. I'm not going to lie. I have a nice butt hole. Have you ever taken a picture of it? Have you taken a picture of it?

Yeah, of course. No, you don't need to bleach it. We want that color. We want to see the brownness. It's not that brown. We want to see the filter. I have a nice butt hole. What do you mean?

Of course you've taken a picture of your butt hole. I've never taken a picture of my butt hole. Yeah, but you're a guy. No one wants a picture of your butt hole. Who wants a picture of a man's butt hole? Disgusting. Someone asked just for a picture of your butt hole? If Kate, let me explain something to you, Lee.

You've never asked your girlfriend to take a picture of her butt hole or her pussy? Please don't get them started. Not the butt hole. If you were going to go to fucking Zipline with fucking Marla, whatever. Carla, what's her name? It's not his. Carla? His, Paula?

Your ex-girlfriend. And you were in the bathroom. And all of a sudden you got a text from fucking Kate Quigley. And there was a picture of an asshole and she has to come over. What would you do right down in there? I don't send it like that. Are you going to fucking go zip lining? Or are you going to zip line your way to Kate's asshole?

Which one is it going to be? I would zip line my way to Kate's asshole via fucking electrical cords. Oh my god. My asshole is not like, I don't just send it randomly, but yeah. Do you get a good shot of the asshole? It's not easy. It's a lot of mirror work. It's very tough.

You got to do a lot of mirror work. You got to put the camera first. Is it selfie stick or something? No, you just, you know, I practice with my iPad. She's got long arms. She's got long arms and short pockets. I recently lost my iPad. By the way, I have no idea where.

And I know for sure there's some dirty shit on there. So I hope no one finds it. But look, you ruined my beautiful moment of my beautiful moment of the first bringer show I ever did. You know who I had to follow? First time at the comedy store, main room, bringer show. I was so fucking nervous sitting in the main room or in the green room

because you know, legends have been in there. And if you're a comedy fan, you feel like just lucky to even be in there. Like now we take it for granted. Like we were saying, like now I'm friends with Dyson, Domet. We forget how lucky we are. But I'm sitting in there waiting to go up. And I hear a guy like clearing his throat in the bathroom, in that green room bathroom.

I'm like, oh shit, someone's in here. And then he comes out and it's Michael Richards. Michael Richards Kramer. And he's like, hey, what's up? He was just as weird as like on Seinfeld. And I was so new to LA. I'd been here like six months. I was, I didn't know what to do.

So I kind of froze. I was like, hi. And then he goes, do you mind if I go up before you? I got to get out of here. And in my head, I was like, fuck. I don't want to follow Michael Richards. I'm terrible. I've done comedy once, literally once.

But I'm like, whatever you want, man, go ahead. So he went up. He did fine. He actually just was like reading jokes almost. But then like two nights later, it was when that stuff went down. It was right after that, that stuff went down with him where he got in trouble for like saying the N word, wherever, laugh factory, whatever.

But that was my first time at the store. Second time, I think I had to follow David Tell. That's what people don't get about doing comedy in LA. You could be on your third show and fucking Ron White drops in, wants to go up in front of you, Bill Burt, whoever. And you just have to go on. How many years have you been doing comedy for now? Now, like almost eight.

Eight years. What do you feel is going on right now in your career? Now, like first off, you're here. It's good right now. You could be in Michigan right now doing comedy for eight years. And you're doing the one night of circuit for what's his name. And you're also doing feature act right now. You being the midway, you be co-headlining.

They told me to only feature. They told my agency told me to only feature for like you and a couple people. They said feature for those people otherwise had lining. I feel honestly really good lately because something just changed for me. You know what it was? I let go. There's a moment on stage and you know it. They call it finding your voice in comedy, whatever.

But it's like, I just started being myself. I feel now on stage the same as I feel off stage. Will you say that when we're not talking about this? Yeah, yes we will. How many times a week do you get on stage? Can't have an average, do you think? Now, if I'm in LA, I try to get up at least five nights. Five nights.

Once or twice a night. I used to do, I used to try to get up every night. The first like three years. It's the weirdest thing. And Lee's going through it now. You have to get up. The wake up process and the first thing you think about is your feet hit the ground. Is where am I going on stage tonight?

Yeah. That's when you know you have a problem. Yeah. Like as you're as you're showering, you're like, it's Tuesday night. We got the rusty onion. Like at least I'm not looking at my phone. I'm trying to count my spots from last week. Just because I'm in the spot that Kate was a few years ago.

Like yesterday I did four spots, but like it's crazy. You did four yesterday and one day? Yeah. Good job, dude. I may have a job for you, Lee. I may have a fucking invention for you. An invention? Yeah.

All right. It worked for me. No, it worked for me. I think I want to pass it on to Young Comics. I love that. I've been, I've been learning a lot from Young Comics lately from you. You know, it made me fell in love with stand up again. It made me realize that feeling of wanting what I have now.

Yeah. Which is crazy. Like when you're there's a part in stand up where you give yourself PTSD. You basically do. You go like this though, don't you? Yeah. There's times you're like, oh, all this new, like lately all my stuff has been hitting and I feel great about it.

And I feel like it's original and it's like vulnerable. And I'm at a place right now where I'm loving it. And Lee, once you get deeper into comedy, you got to cut the psychiatrist. I'll let the stage become your psychiatrist. That's dangerous. And it's very dangerous. Well, I'm doing that and it's not going very well. It's very dangerous, but it's lethal because let me tell you something.

It's great for comedy. That'll push your limit. Great for comedy. That'll push your limit. Now that you're not seeing the psych, you're used to talking about those things. So one night when you're dying on stage. Should I keep an eye on therapy and just write down what I'm saying? No.

You know what you talk to your therapist about. Can I say that I find my best bits on the nights that like it happens sometimes laugh factory when I do late, late Fridays, like 1230. And I don't really care because there's only 20 people left. And I don't even do material a lot of the time. I go up whatever's going on in my life like that week. But you do get to a point and you know where you've been on stage enough. You know the cadence to make them laugh, even if it's not a joke.

You know, you can make them laugh. Right. You know, you can make them laugh. Yeah. So I go up and I will talk through shit that's going on. And that's how I find because I can't sit down. I've never been able to sit down and write jokes in my life. And they don't work.

They are the ones that work or the ones that you just come from the heart. That's what Joey told me last night. Well, I watched. You just be real. I watched. Real. I sat in the car with Lydia and he picked me up or something. And you know, Lee and I goof around and we get high.

But we also I learned from Lee and he learned from me and he's 30 years younger than I am. I learned from you young guys. So I told you the truth. I said, you know what, for a guy who just went through a breakup, you don't seem like you're fucking, you know, I thought the first week I was in the company, the tears and. Yeah, he seems fine. He seems fine.

That can't be real. And he this moment of sadness. I'm not going to lie, but overall, which proves to me he really wasn't in love. Or he's high all the time. But I know he's not high at all. He does. Plus he's doing comedy like seriously. I had his 13 times in five days putting himself in weird positions.

That helps. And then I grabbed him from time to time and put him in front of his audience. It's awesome. You should have seen his applause last night. At the ice house. And it's so weird that he's learning from two worlds. I'm keeping him in two worlds. Like when I first started acting, fuck, fuck.

The first movie I did was basketball, where they do everything for you. But tie your shoelaces. They bring the clothes to your trailer. Then the second movie I did, I did mad TV. And then I did like a couple of NBC shows and a couple of co-stars. But then I did like Taxi with Wayne Latifa. And when people come up to you and they're like, is there anything you need? Yeah.

There's three waters in there. And if you need anything. And then I got Spider-Man 2, which is basically the license to steal as an actor on Fridays. They have lobster tails. Oh, I know it's the best. And instead of eating salad, all the fucking regular people being salad, I would eat 15 lobsters. Hell yeah, because you're a comment.

I was three fucking 80. I didn't give a fuck. You know, like I was just a steal food for movies. That's my first two years living here. I was extra. I would take a suitcase and fucking take everything home. Everything. You remember when pomegranate was big juice?

Yeah. I would take, remember it was like $3 for a little bottle. They would have it by the half gallon jug, the good stuff. Oh my God. And I would just take it to my room and drink pomegranate juice all fucking day. You know, so what I'm trying to say is I remember that when I would walk into Spider-Man 2, they paid a guy just to open the door for you. Shut up.

But that's all he did. He was union. They also paid a guy. He was union. To stand there and tell you not to step on the courts. Yeah. When you were walking. And then once you got in there, Lee, a guy grabs you.

Lee, hi. My name is Morty. Come with me. Hi, hi. How's your day going? Great. Did you get some lunch? Yes.

Okay. Here we are. Sam, here's Lee. How are you doing Sam? Very nice to meet you. Do what you did in the audition, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you'd go in there and in between takes a girl comes up to you and puts makeup on you and wipes a sweat from your eyebrow because you shouldn't.

You don't even have to touch your eyebrow. Yeah. I know. They come over and they do everything for you. And then from there, I went to the longest yard where I had girls that looked like you as umbrella girls. Sevens. Do you know what that's like?

An umbrella girl with a bikini. It looked like Kate. So any move I would make, that'd be a girl with an umbrella because Adam didn't want the sun to hit you. And then there was another girl. Then there was another girl that looked like you. That's a power troupe. Yeah, because he didn't want you to look like a doctor in between scenes.

Of course. It makes sense. She got to be comfortable. But it's just awesome that it was hug girls. And then he had another girl. That's weird, actually. Then he had another girl that would come to your trailer, basically put the shoulder pads on you, tie up your shoulder pads, help you with your shirt,

make sure you look good. They had this every morning. I mean, they had a girl that came up to you with a trailer. You know in the fifties when girls would sell cigarettes? Yeah. They would have girls that came up to you and they would have protein smoothies, diet smoothies, protein drinks, shots of wheat grass, shots of fucking turmeric with all this shit.

By the way, a shout out to the greenhouse on Lancasham, the fucking anti-oxidant bowl, the acai bowl is one of the best I've ever had. You understand me? Wow. You must really like them because you never give free shout outs like that. No, these people fucking love it. But my point being that, wowly, this was crazy. This was crazy.

And then there was a movie drop. I got into like a little movie drop. I got into American gangster. I got into a couple movies, but it really wasn't. I wasn't there for a long time. And then my career crashed. And I got a call one day and they said, listen, can we meet you for lunch? And they took me to some shitty fucking place at Water Village that sucked.

And they go, listen, we want you for this role. I did the table read for the role like a year and a half earlier. And as I walked out, I told the guy, listen, this role was made for me. They go, we know. So when I went to meet with them, it was like, we didn't get the money we wanted. It's going to be $100 a day instead of scale. Love it. You have to work 28 days in a row because you only had Thursdays off.

They scheduled it like that for Thanksgiving. We shot in November. And they said, we have one other issue. Your cocaine problem. You told me this. And my body dropped like everything. And they go, we know about your problem. We want you to take the script home, read it and give us a call in the morning

and let us know this is something you're interested in. Because if you, you can't miss a minute of this. Yeah, you had to quit drugs. It's one scene in one room. So if you don't show, we can't shoot. Were you doing that much below that you would just miss days? No, no, no, no, no, no. At this point, I was always on time towards the end.

So how is it a problem? It was a problem because they wanted to double check with me that they like, and that hurt my feelings. Okay. That's like me coming up to you and going, okay, I got this TV role for you. I want you to play the series regularly, but I can't have you doing a particular thing if you're going to do this because I want you to be at the top of your game.

I kind of get it though. I couldn't act on. I can't have you there at nine in the morning hungover. So we shoot, we're going to shoot three weeks straight. And what I'll do is if you show up nice and everything, I'll give you five Gs to go on vacation and for your big bag of blow. In fact, when you get to where you're going, I have a bag of blow waiting for you in the hotel.

Get it out of your system. Suck 20 dicks. And when you report back to work on Monday, you'll kick quickly the fucking actress. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, well, I don't think there's too big differences. There's too big differences. And that's what we, that's what the mistakes we make.

Once the success gets a little higher, you're now in VIP rooms. People are giving you free vodka. They're giving you free blow. And that's the traps of the business. It's so funny. You said that because I've said this like it's weird. Everything you're saying today I've been talking about lately. I was talking about this with someone recently because

I said all the comics I know who are the most successful are pretty much sober. Like maybe a little weed, whatever, maybe a drink every year in there, but either totally sober or mostly sober. And I think there is a point you're right because you get to a point that I don't know if people realize where, and I'm kind of there right now.

I feel like I'm there right now. I'm right on the brink of making something that'll probably make me a lot of money. I feel like my comedy is getting right where I want it to be. I feel right on the edge of like something, but I'm so busy. I'm doing so much. I'm so overwhelmed.

I need an assistant so bad, but I can't afford it. No, you don't need an assistant. You have to do all this work. I know, but here's- What the fuck are you to get an assistant? No, I know. I can't anyway. I can't afford it.

No, no, no. I like your girlfriend a lot. She's awesome. I think that she would be a great assistant. She would if I could afford her a lot more. Four hours a week. She's fucking great. She's a great lady.

She's such a good makeup artist, so I'd hate to take her away. You know what? I don't even know. I would hire her to take care of me. She's amazing. Like, that's not my child. I feel very warm around her.

She's such a good person. She brought me here. We have a lot of history together, like not history. We both lived- In Denver. In Boulder and in Seattle, and we both have great memories of it.

She's just really sweet. It's somebody who- I would never hire an assistant. I could never give him that title. I could never send somebody to the dry cleaners. I could never go leave. Can you get me a water and make sure it's Perrier or an egg white omelet?

I don't want that. I would never do that to somebody. That's demoralizing. If Lee comes to me and he goes, dog, I'm going to the taco stand. I'm going to get 22 fucking tacos. You might as well get something. Yeah, get me something.

You know what I'm saying? But I would never want an assistant to go. I don't- I just mean like- Bro, I knew assistants that were walking dogs. No, I would never do that. Fuck that. Like walking fucking dogs.

That's just lazy. Picking up that dog shit. That's just- There's nothing that wants to get me in this business. No. I didn't learn anything from that lesson. That's just pure fucking abuse. I agree.

I like an assistant. If you come to me and you go listen, bro, I want to be tip top notch podcasting. How can I help you? That's what I mean, though. You know, how can I come to the show and I go, well, you know what? You go out every night?

Yeah, I'm 50. I don't go out at night. Why don't you do a segment on the LA club scene once a month and come in every night and, you know, little by little, once you come in and go, Joey, I got this club to sponsor me. This club will buy us dinner whenever we want to.

Because that's all it is. That's what I mean. Publicity is such a scam. It's not even just that, but like that's what I mean. Like, for instance, my podcast, the podcast is doing really well and I'm really happy,

but I don't have time to like chase down sponsors. And like it's just I feel spread thin is what it is. So like a producer for the podcast, I could do those things, but there's a weird point in entertainment. I think everyone gets to where you're starting to pop and you're getting busy, but you're not making that money yet.

And it's I think that's when a lot of people start abusing drugs, drinking too much because they get overwhelmed. And I said this to my friend the other day, I go, I feel at this point in my career where I could go one of two ways, get way more sober, or go down a bad road

because I'm like taking too much Adderall or doing whatever it is to like get everything done. And that shit is what I think kills. I feel like I have so many friends that were right about to pop and then got a drug problem and then they just disappeared. And I feel like they would have made it.

Well, let me tell you something. From 2004 to 2007, my drug problem was totally out of control. Like I wish I knew what I knew now and would have documented it just to show you what my eyes look like. You could see the pain in my eyes of wanting to get out of this addiction.

But at the same time, I was doing little things that kept me here. In your addiction. In my addiction that they kept me here. And I had my addiction to a check where I wasn't bringing it on the stage. I wasn't doing it in daytime. My shit started at eight o'clock.

After your spot. And I would, you know, I needed it in my pocket before the spot. But you didn't do it before the spot. I mean, that's what I mean. It would be in my pocket. And I, you know, you never want to be a fucking hypocrite,

but I always want to tell you the truth. Yeah. I saw a whole comedy scene getting eaten up by an alcoholism party and stupidity. Because when they came to Los Angeles, they realized that this wasn't what it was about. It's like an appearance. It's really weird.

Even me with like reefer. Yeah, I love to smoke my reefer, but I do my work. I know what you mean. Lee pays me the biggest compliment anybody's ever paid me. He says that out of all the people he does business with, the only guy that sticks with everything is a guy who went to prison for arm kidnapping.

You are so professional. It's crazy. Because we have to, and you are too. You get that it's a business. You wouldn't be on this show. I know. If I didn't think you were hustling.

As crazy as the bikini pictures. That's all part of that. That's what. It's all part of it, right? Yeah. That's the image. Listen. Not an image.

It's a heightened version of my real personality. It's just a little heightened. But yeah, because it's all part of the business. You get it. And I think that there's a lot of women, like I told Lee last night, I know the experience in comedy. The long jump in comedy is finding your voice.

Yep. Finding your voice is so important. I'll tell you why. Because you have your voice down to 60%. You're doing comedy 10 years. You got 60% of your voice. And your stupid agent will come see you. And he'll go, okay, hi.

Me and my assistant was talking. And we think you should stop doing that royalty material. And maybe switch it up to being a family. How you want to switch to being a family girl. But now you can't meet a guy. This is the show we're pitching. And they make you adjust your material. You know, I love Tim Allen.

Yeah. I think Tim Allen opened up a lot of doors for me. He's hilarious. When I found out that Tim Allen, have you seen early Tim Allen like on videos? Not really before. The shit about when he'd go to the dentist the night before, he would eat sour cream and Oreos.

No, I don't think so. And he would open up his mouth and eagles would fly out. Tim Allen was a funny motherfucker. That's funny when I was a kid. Think about this. Think about the transition he made from working dirty to doing ABC. Now he became this icon in this eye. Family television.

But behind the scene, he had a skeleton in the closet. Sure. He liked that cocaine. And for a lot of people, sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for. Because it comes true. No, you can't handle it. Yep. You can't handle it.

And I was one of those people. I was not ready for the longest yard. When I got the longest yard, I was not ready for it. And the smoke that got blown up my ass. While I was shooting it was so strong, Kate, that I thought once July, May 25th come out, my life would change and guess what happened. Nothing changed.

Nothing. I know. I got one audition. I got one audition. Kate, this is how crazy I got. I got one audition that a guy like me moves in with a guy like Lee. Because Lee can't find a job after college and I'm totally crazy. And it said everything in the audition but blow.

Like the guy does drugs and he drinks and he doesn't pay his rent on time and leaves frustrated with him. And I remember going, you know what? I'm going to go into this role and stay up all night. You told me this. I remember this. This is great. So the short end of the story is this.

Once you get to a certain level of comedy that people are paying for you. And they want the best version of you. It's cool to get drunk and all that stuff. But you really got to be in the top of your game. And for the people listening who don't want to hear this. I'm going to tell you the truth. It's basically an illusion to get you through the door. Yeah.

I mean, I party a little after, but I'm not crazy like people think at all. I want you to come see me because I'm funny. Also, I'm way better sober. Not because I smoke a lot of weed. Listen, I love to roll 10 joints and leave them on stage. I could do an hour and smoke three or four of those joints and be in my top of my game while I'm smoking because it's the real me. I would love to have endless joints here and just be able to talk and smoke and put them away

and buy it out of a sandwich and go back to doing coffee. But you're not as quick when you're doing that. You're so funny. You're quick. You think you're quicker, stoned? I'm not. I'm slow. No, no, no, no.

There's a point of being stoned. What Lee and I were doing for years on this podcast was not fucking funny anymore. We were getting to the point where we were going beyond our limits. It slowed the tone of the podcast. So we decided just to stop, cut it down. Now the handles of THC we can handle. I can tell. It's better.

No, it's been a lot better. We're trying to get there. We have to be more professional. You have to clean up your act. And these are the distinctions that you make on your own. You have to decide what envelope you're going to push. Lee and I, for five years, this was endless. How high can we get Lee?

And Lee would say shit that you'd sit here and go, what the fuck is he talking about? Because the poor guy was in Santa made them friends. Look at him now. He's pretty high today, though. It's not as bad, though. Not as bad. No, not as bad.

We took a lot of bong hits today, which is, I think still, I think that's what he upped a little bit. Yeah. And you know, today, when I walked in here, I was a little discombobulated. I was tired. So was I. And I took a nap. And I even told Lee.

I called Lee. And I go, Lee, I got to get something to eat. And let me tell you something with my wife gone. It is a fucking pain. Oh my god. Can I tell them what you called me and said the other day? Because I laughed so fucking hard. He calls me or talking.

He's like, man, my wife's out of town. I almost blew up the house today. And I was like, doing what? He's like loading the dishwasher. How do you even blow up a house? And you were so serious. I hung up the phone and was like, how the fuck? I was thinking for like 10 minutes

about how to blow up a house loading a dishwasher. I'm the type of dude. And you said you had one cat that was extra anxious that you were trying to like calm down. Your life is hilarious. Demi, Demi, because he loves my wife. Demi is a cat that he was bleeding. All right.

So this is a top story story. This guy was a fucking cat that was fucking two different, a one sit cat. And he kept getting the pregnant. And then he waited till the kittens had been six months old and he started fucking these girls. So the whole father was fucking these cats and he was knocking them up when they were six months,

seven months old. And they started spitting out kittens. Okay. And one day one of the really, really pretty Siamese ones spit out like six kittens. And they were living on top of a roof because he would kill the males. Oh, wow.

Because the quicker he could kill the kittens. The babies really? Yeah, the quicker he could kill the kittens. She'd go back to breastfeeding, which means she'd get back to his bacaluch. He'd get real little stabbing in. So my wife was sitting out the day before we took Harry upstairs. Harry was a cat that one day was so smart

he stood in front of the door and he just meowed like one of those Trump supporters until somebody brought him upstairs. And I remember walking downstairs, leaving, coming back. He was still meowing at five o'clock to go, honey, this cat's not stopped. We brought him upstairs and he fell asleep for two days. That's how much he had meowed that day.

That's cute. Then he meowed for eight years after that. Took him eight years to meowing, meowed so much that day. He's wrong to be with you. So he was Demi's brother who turned out to be Demi. My wife was outside hanging laundry or whatever in Hollywood, whatever the fuck she was doing. And she saw a kitten fall off a roof.

And when it landed, he heard his nose and he was bleeding. And the mother jumped off the roof to see how he was. And since he was bleeding, she left him behind because she couldn't have him protect her kittens. If he was bleeding, the cats could sense that and other animals could sense it. So she left him there. So Demi didn't know how to get back up on the roof.

So my wife scooped him up, brought him upstairs with his fucked up little nose. This is a true story. Brought him upstairs. I was out of town. But she goes, she laid him in the room next to Harry. They were brothers. Yeah.

And Harry went up to him, bit him on the nose again just to fuck. No way. Yeah. I thought you were going to say something sweet. And Demi started crying and my wife took him and on paper, I have to tell you people something you might think I'm crazy. The bond between Demi and my wife is something that it makes you love the ant.

Like I don't understand the science. I love the science of having a pet, whether it's a dog or a cat. Yeah. Like I just spoke to one of the toughest people I've ever known in my life. And he said his parrot died over the holidays and it killed him for two months. He's heartbroken. Yeah.

He goes, that parrot was my best friend. I would pet him. I would put him on my shoulder. He goes whenever I would do coke, I would tell him to shut the fuck up because he would attract the people. The parrot would go, what are you doing? What are you doing? He goes, shut the fuck up.

They're going to find me. You know, the whole thing. We got attached to pets. Pets are so helpful for you. I'm fine. If you do the benefits of owning a pet, they say that G is for your life. That's right here. And Demi and my wife are fucking inseparable.

Like if a cat lays next to my wife for a long time, Demi will try to attack that cat. He don't like that shit. He's number one cat to my wife. And he torments my wife till she gets out of bed. Till the moment she jumps back in that bed. Oh, I want a pet. So while she's been gone, he has been waiting by the door for her.

He always lays on the couch by the living room. And Evie and the other female lay in that chair. He's been waiting on top of the chair for my wife for the last four nights. Since she left. And then when I put my shit in the office, I know I can't hang in the office because he's going to hunt me down and he'll sit there and meow at me. And what he's basically asking me is where the fuck is he coming back. Yeah.

It's, it's the craziest thing to interpret. I know people listening are going, Joey, you're out of your mind. No, that's real. She saved his life. It's really weird that he'll chase me. And so now what I do is I put my jacket away. I close my office door and I go in the living room. And as soon as I turn the TV on, he jumps on my lap and I pet him.

And I got to tell him, I know mommy misses you. It's weird. No, that's normal. She misses you. He plays with me for a little while. Then he goes, he drinks some water and he comes back and he sits next to me until I go to bed. But I hear him and his brother, his brother, Harry, misses Mercy.

So two nights in a row, I've had to come out of four in the morning and go, Harry, knock it off. Because he'll sit outside. It's like having a baby. Oh my God. He'll sit outside Mercy's door and me, I went for Mercy to open the door. And usually Mercy opens the door and he jumps in bed with her and they go to bed. It's animals. They bond.

It's a special bond. It's a fucking weird thing. And if you're thinking of getting an animal like adopting, and you know, you just, the only problem is guys that when you get an animal, your commitment changes. It's like your life changes because now you've got to be home. Depends on the animal. Did I ever tell you the only pet I had in LA?

Did I tell the snail story on here? No. Oh fuck, no. I had snails. That was the only pet I ever had because I never saw a snail before I moved to LA. They don't live where I lived in Ohio and they were everywhere in my building in Venice. And I just thought they were, I was fascinated with snails. This sounds so stupid, but I thought the only place I'd ever seen one was like Alice in

Wonderland, like fairy tales. And I, I was so young by the way, I was like 24. But I went out one day and I saw someone had stepped on one and it was like dead. And I was so upset about it that every time I would see one, I would bring it inside. Sounds like something an eight year old would do. I bought a tank. I made a house for it. I put little castles in there and stuff.

And I had three snails. Stella, LeBron and Clyde. Okay. So I buck and put these three snails in there and they're just amazing and they're easy to keep alive. Spinach, cucumbers, that's all you have to feed them, right? I ended up killing one by accident because I did research. I wanted to give them the best food and they said eggshells.

So I took an eggshell. I cracked it in half thinking that it could like chill out in there. And one of them went to climb in. You know what happened? The edge of the shell, it like cut his head off almost. It like impaled itself on the shell. And I came home and I saw and I cried. I felt so guilty because I killed it.

Clyde, he was the first one. I knew it was going to be Clyde. Oh, Jay fucking eggshells and stuff. Yeah. So he dies, but this gets so much better, which by the way, the snails are like me because all I really eat is like cucumbers and spin. I felt like they were my people, like the perfect pet. So I come home.

Now all I have is Clyde and Stella. Clyde and LeBron and Stella. I mean, yeah, LeBron and Stella. Thank you. LeBron was like a huge black snail. They would not stop fucking. Have you ever seen snails fuck? Not recently.

It's disgusting. Like it would make me nauseous to watch it. One gets on top of the other and there's a little hole in one snails, like sludgy part, body part and sticks. They stick on their humping all day. Jay, what disturbs me is you probably got popcorn and watched it. No, I was such a filthy savage. You would think that, but I was actually grossed out.

So I ended up separating them. I put them in two tanks. That's so mean. I couldn't stand watching it, dude. It was disgusting. You can't stop LeBron and Marlisa. What do you think? Yeah.

But then here's what happened. You know what I found out? Couple months. I had them for months, like two, three months. Snails are hermaphrodites. They can fuck themselves. Did you know that they have male and female body parts? They can they can produce babies alone.

So I separated them. How many snail babies do you have? Well, they were fucking so much. I was scared they were going to have tons of babies. So I separated them. And then one of them got pregnant alone. And you know how many baby snails have at one time? Like hundred, like tons.

I came home from a trip. There's fucking little snail eggs all over the tank. So I had to decide whether to keep them or kill them. Oh my God. So I couldn't keep them because there's too many in the tank. So what'd you do? You crossed another tunnel? I had to abort snail babies.

I feel guilty still. I actually feel guilty. I had to kill. I washed them out. They were like this big around. But there were so they were covering the tank. If I let them grow, it was going to be like. You're still talking to your side kinds.

No, Joey, that's what the stage is for. Remember? Let me give some shout outs to my boy, Joey Alvarado. Kettle Jitsu. He's running up special over there. Give him a shout out. He's a great fucking Jiu-Jitsu teacher and a great guy. My man Quadrex always on it.

Harry Patsakos. No, Pirate Stick. Pirate Stick. Mr. 52. Pamela Mooney. My man Ben Saunders still in the game down there in Orlando. Fucking still in the fight. I love you.

Nicholas Dantato. Happy birthday to my man from Skank. Louis J. Gomez. I love you. You're my favorite Puerto Rican. And I want to give a shout out to Pat Shea. Don't forget April 14th working out with Uncle Joey at the motherfucking ice house.

And then 419, the funny bone with Kate Quigley in Columbus, motherfucking Ohio. 420, Kate's going to be all edibles up in shit. Jesus Christ. Don't worry about nothing. The story of the week is this, that it's funny. You travel a lot. Your agent's getting you a lot of work.

Yeah, it's great. And you like headlining? I love headlining. How do you feel about headlining? It's so fun because you just have so much time to... It's great. You know what? It's made me...

Every time I come back to LA and get up again here, I realize how much I grow just every weekend on the road. You grow so fast when you're headlining because you have so much time. And I do a lot of crowd work and I find new jokes all the time. So I love it, you know? Joey's going to pee. I really want to tell this Chappelle story.

I got to wait for him to come back. What else can we talk about while Joey's gone? No, but it's funny. Give me one. Oh, wait. Can I promote my gigs because I didn't even do that? Sure. While Joey's gone.

If you're in New York City, come Wednesday to see me at Carolines on Broadway and then at the Stress Factory over the weekend in Jersey, Thursday through Saturday, and Philly Helium Sunday. This tequila is hitting me. I'm a little buzz. Oh, yeah? Yeah, a little bit.

Very nice. Well, it's funny you mentioned doing more time because that's the one thing. Whenever people talk to me about being scared about doing comedy, one of the things they say is like, oh, I don't know what to say for five minutes. And now that I've been doing it for a few months, I love when I get to do more than five minutes

because five minutes is no time now. Yeah. I mean, it's so nice getting to headline too because you have certain bits. Like there's certain bits that I've been doing forever that I know will work. And I'm bored of doing them, honestly, just bored of it. But it's cool because when you're headlining,

if you want to, you can try adding a whole bunch of tags to it. I do new jokes. I'll read tweets sometimes, not read them, but I'll try like Twitter jokes. Like, I just, it's, there's no pressure headlining. There's pressure the first night. You don't want to bomb or anything, but it's not like LA where the room's all industry either.

It's regular people. This is my favorite thing. And I like to meet people. There's no industry at the rooms I go to. Shut up. Yes, there is. Like at the comedy store. Well, yeah, when I'm lucky enough

to do the comedy store, the ice house, maybe, but. No, it's funny. You've been doing comedy eight years, you said. Yeah. Let me tell you something. I didn't become, and I'm not saying that negative to you. I already know what you're going to say. I'm lucky it's early.

No, because it's funny how right now you're going into the beginnings of your headlining. Correct. You, now you, it's like when you become a black belt, now. You start getting that. Oh, shit. Now I have to really learn this game. Like when I started headlining,

I was, I was still playing to the back of the room. Yeah. The back of the room was I was the king of making comedians laugh. Not the people who pay money for your tickets. It's a really weird science people that are listening at home. And I had to learn when I first got the longest yard, I started getting close to headline and I was just horrific.

It was just horrific. Well, I definitely got to headline before I should have no offense to these people because I'm so grateful now. But three years ago, I featured at the House of Comedy in Phoenix. This is the first real club to let me headline. I'd headline, you know, you get like gigs at bars, whatever. They're like little one-nighters. But I featured for somebody at House of Comedy

and I just guess I got real lucky and had a great weekend featuring. And Tammy Bronson called me on the way back to LA and said, hey, we got such great feedback from you. We want to give you a headliner day. It was like six months later, something she offered me. We're going to give you a headliner weekend. She's like, have you headlined a good room before? And I was like, not a club like yours, not a whole weekend.

Never. And she was like, well, you know what? We like to break people. We see potential in TJ Miller. We are the first club to give him a weekend, whatever. She goes, I believe in you. We're going to do it. She gave me a weekend.

I was terrified that first weekend because it's just, it's such a different pressure doing a club like that versus, you know, the ranch or just some one-off place. But I grew so much just in that first weekend. And then I was just like, oh, this is the way to get good. You've got to have that. It's really neat how you grow at every level. Like I was an emcee and I was featuring on the road.

But I knew that to become a good headliner. I had to learn how to emcee. A hundred percent. So I would emcee at the store on Sunday nights for the open mic. And I would do my three minutes and go back. I went back to hosting and I focused on hosting and people go, why do you do that? It doesn't matter if Ari was already signed up with Joe

to go somewhere. Joe's a generous guy. I would go, Joe, I'm coming. Yeah. And I knew I was the host. Yeah. And it didn't bother me. People go, why do you do that?

You're, because it's not the fucking position. It's the set. You dumb fuck. Yeah, I still hope so too. I'm going to call Lee when he starts featuring and going Lee. By the way, Lee caught the break of his life last night. You got Lee in? No.

No, I'm not even lucky on that. What happened? So last night, I went to Irene as, me and Lee went to Irene as gig. And what I was going to do is since Irene let me do her gig, I go Irene and come by me and do 15 minutes, let Lee do six. At the ice house? At the ice house. And then Irene, he'd bring me up.

Yeah. Irene's room went late. So I'm sitting there and I'm in my heyday. Because the guy's like five minutes, Irene is not coming. I'm like, Lee, get ready to get a light at 12. And I knew Lee was going to shoot his pants. He'd look at me and go 12. So did you, did you want me to do 12?

Or do you want me to do more? And I was going to give the kid a 20 and go, don't give him a light in 20 minutes. That's amazing. To just really burn his ass. You really did that to him? No, he got lucky. The Augustina was there.

So I took the burden off. I didn't want a shocking system yet. I didn't want him falling apart and having a nervous breakdown. It's so mean when comics fuck with you like that, but it's also hilarious. And you learn. And you learn. You learn.

This is a learning, this is a learning. It's so weird how I went on the road in 2005. At that point, I'd been doing comedy 14 years. And I can honestly tell you guys that I stunk it up that summer. Stunk it up horrifically. And then I started headlining. The Wednesday before Rogan would do Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And I was staying headlined Sunday.

And I did that for a while and that was still shitty. Like I still didn't know how to tie the circle together. And in 2009, when I started having doubts, on Friday nights, I wasn't doing spots at the store anymore. I would get in the car and drive to Irvine and watch every comic. And, you know, I watched Patrice O'Neill. And I wouldn't even say hello to them. I would sit in the back.

The manager would know I was back there and I would watch them. And the most people I learned from were Patrice and the other kids who died. God bless their souls. Greg, the giraffe. Oh, God, I love him. And I was so embarrassed. Like I'm like, I can send myself a headline. I can't do what these guys are doing.

Yeah. And then the podcast world came in. And at that point, I was just doing ha ha, flappers, and whatever else I could get. People were calling me for off the cuff headlining jobs. Right. And I'll never forget that I didn't become a headliner until about 2013. At that point, I was doing comedy close to that.

12 or 13 years, 14 years, where I started getting into the groove. And I still remember going to Columbus one of the first big clubs with Justin when he became my agent. And I got to tell you something. I hit a bag of dicks off five shows. Did I make them laugh? Absolutely. Yeah, but you knew you weren't great.

No, I knew that I wasn't a headliner. Yeah. And I came home and I fucking. I had shows like that, too. I think I went on Netflix and I watched a bunch of old specials. I watched one of Hicks's I watched. And I remembered what it was, you know, when you become a headliner, that's why writers, there's a lot of comedians who are writers.

I write on this show. That's great. But you ain't no fucking headliner, Jack, because you have to become an entertainer. Yep. And that's why you were sitting in a room. I'm not knocking a writer. I'm not knocking a writer.

No, of course not. And it's funny how sometimes people send me clips and a couple of weeks ago, Rogan was saying, DSB has become an entertainer now. And it was a big compliment because it took 27 fucking years. Yep. You know, it takes eight or nine to find your voice. Remember that it's like this guy yesterday,

the fucking dude that was married to Roseanne. You look beautiful tonight. Oh, thanks. Oh, Tom Arnold, I like Tom. Your skin looks good. Your skin looks really good. Yeah. But Tom went on a rant that Roseanne is like Trump

that he went against this. I saw something about that. He hates transgenders. Tom does? Since when the, no, that that Roseanne and Trump have been disgraced for the transgenders. Come on, let's be honest, Americans, since when the fuck did anybody give a fuck about transgenders

so about six or seven years ago, till they brought, got brought into the spotlight before them. Bruce Jenner's moment. Everybody threw fucking rocks at him or whatever. But that's not the point. The point is that us as comedians, when we first start, we do material to please the audience, especially when we get put on the road early.

Like I saw a comic that was basically a cheerleader. Let's keep it going for the comedy staff. Okay. They need to say something to my jokes. Let's keep it going for the United States Army, the boys in blue. And then who wants to do it? The killer shot.

Woo. So it was 20 minutes of that shit, which is air. You know what I'm saying? It's just air. And the 30 minutes were all garbage. Yep. So there's those guys. And I remember watching those guys going,

oh, this is bad. I didn't want to be that type of headliner. Can I just tell you, and I haven't been doing it as long as you're saying you were when you felt that, but this year is the first, I don't mean this year since January. I mean, like the last year has been the first time I've really felt confident.

Like, you know, there's years, you know, you're okay. You're getting there. But if someone's like, so are you funny? I would never be like, yeah. But like, I just always felt like, well, I'm getting there, whatever, always. And this is the first year that I felt really confident about my sets and headlining.

But I know why. I know why. It's two things. And you said basically both just now. One, the shit I'm saying on stage now, I care about. It means something to me. Ready, Lee? Right.

Remember we're talking about this last night, Lee? Yeah. It's funny, but I even say it on stage sometime. I'm like, I don't care if you laugh at this. I need you to fucking know. Like, I'm so passionate about what I'm talking about right now. And it's changing my sets because I care. It's not just some hacky bullshit.

No, people are paying to go see Kate now. You're not Joey D as his feature set that could, you know, when I was a feature, you call me the feature. That's a gift come true. Yeah, I still like featuring. Especially with a cool headlining. So when you're gonna break your balls or whatever, all you got to do is go in, do your sets.

I remember Dirty Joey, see that through a late show. Yeah, sure. Get the fuck out of here. By the time I hit the stage, Kate got her purse. She's on her way to the fucking bang. Featuring is great. Featuring is awesome because you can leave too. There's no responsibility.

Yeah, you can leave. You're done. And it's easy. You're in the middle. You're in 20 minutes easy. Show starts at 10.30. You're off stage at 11.15. That's true.

You can make plans. Yeah. You can always make plans as a feature. I'll be there by midnight. How do you know? Because I get off stage at 11.15. And then you become a headliner on the way home again. Lee referenced me about a certain friend of mine

that's a headliner. And he plays shitholes. And I go, that's the other three years of playing these fucking two night bars and fucking canning them. I do both. I'll do whatever. You have to do whatever.

Yeah. Yeah. And then you start headlining and they're paying $15 for you. You know? Yep. And now you really owe them. Because now they're not there to see David Tell. They paid 28 to see David Tell.

But now they're paying $15 to see you when you get into a vicious cycle now. And now the next time you come, they pay $20 and you double up. Then the next time, they pay $21.50. And it's just, it's such an escalation. You know? It's such a, like I said, that is what has made me fall in love

with stand-up again. That I see these young kids' eyes and those are my eyes. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's, and that's what I was going to say, too, is like something changes when you get real. Like I'm so real on stage. Absolutely. I'm so real.

It's, people ask me and you know, when you go do press, whatever, people are always like, what's your comedy like? I'm like, well, basically everything you would never want anyone to know about you. I'm going to fucking say because when I started getting so vulnerable and real, regardless of funny, forget funny, right? I go up, if I'm open, vulnerable and super passionate about what I'm saying, I have found that people always enjoy

that, whether they think you're funny or not. I mean, funny obviously is the point, but people always come up to me afterwards. And when it changed for me is when I started getting women following me around afterwards instead of men, I knew, because guys used to follow me around because they'd be, oh, I heard your tit jokes, whatever. Women now will not leave me alone because they relate

and they're like, oh my God, I can't believe you said that. You're crazy, but I've been that crazy. Once they relate to you on that personal of a level, for me, that's changed it. But also what changed it is I'm not afraid anymore to sit there and talk to them. I'm not afraid anymore to take control of the room. If they're not a great crowd and I notice right away,

I'm not afraid to like sit down and like, what's going on? What's up with you? When you think of comedy experience, do you think that the experience is from just going jokes to exposing who you are and what your true feelings are like when you really think? That's what I was telling Lee last night. For me, that's what it was. For 14 years, I was saying these things that were funny,

but I wasn't telling you why and how and why I came to this conclusion because I'm a fucking moron and I went through it. And that balances out the field. It makes them feel a part of you. I never wanted to feel, I've been to comedy shows where big fucking guy on stage is Johnny Intelligent. And as a member, I feel like a fucking asshole now. I, when I lived in Seattle, I learned that.

I'm like, this fucking guy is talking down to people. Fuck him. Or you remember a couple of his jokes, but you don't remember anything else about him. You're like, oh, I heard this funny joke, but I mean, the thing is too, for me, is if you're saying shit, you're really passionate about truly and they don't like it. Imagine you bomb completely, but you know everything you said up there.

You're like, I'm so passionate about this. I'm so into this. It's getting funnier. You can at least leave and go, well, fucking passionate about all. You feel, I feel honestly, I really mean this. Like some of the stuff I'm saying right now, guys come up to me and go, I never knew that. And women are like, thank you for saying that.

So if funny or not, I leave and go, thank God, I'm spreading this fucking message. I feel like I care about what I'm doing. So comedy is fun, making them laugh is fun, but then also you're like, oh, that's when you're really winning. You're playing fucking the stress factory. Isn't that crazy? I can't believe that.

No, you're playing that Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Three nights. Pre-looting with Caroline's on Wednesday night in Manhattan and shit. How do you feel about the big fucking apple? You know, I've done comedy in New York, but I've never had lines, but I love, I love playing. I mean, New York is amazing. You know, I was there for a week once I did 21 sets.

Guys, let me tell you something. I don't ask you guys for a lot. I really don't. I want you guys to give Kate a fucking church salute when she's in Jersey. I don't give a fuck if you send one representative from your family. Go show it. We've had some good podcasts with Kate. Kate has grown with us over the years.

Kate is one of the original fucking podcasts. We're the original dozen, I mean. And I know for a fact that there's people that actually think that I favor you at times, which I do because I respect your work ethic. And you've never, if you could put that up on the fucking graphics, you've never called me crying. Yeah, that's true. Lee is another guy that never calls you crying.

And he's honest. I didn't do well in the first two shows. I'm going to go home and get a ham sandwich and go back and do another set. That's the whole essence of comedy. That ought to be. To keep showing up and getting the shit knocked out of you. But this week, when you're working in a rough fucking room, dog. Really?

I heard it's really great. It's a great room. It's phenomenal. They're going to take the ride with you. It's going to be so fun. I'm excited. Vinny Brand's a great fucking club owner. I can tell.

You know, you're going to have a great time. The hotel's great. You got a bagel placed down the corner. You got a Dunkin Donuts across the street from the hotel. And you're just going to have great fucking sets. I hope the church comes out. The New Jersey section of the church comes out fucking Thursday, Friday, Saturday in a yellow church.

And you got to tell a joke about me showing you my balls this weekend. Jesus Christ. How tremendous it was. And you got the vision of life. It's like seeing Jesus on a tortilla. Oh my God. Not exactly. But I got to show them to you again.

Did you see the beauty? No, I'm good. I think I'm okay. Did you see the beauty mark on the picture? You know, send me a photo of that. How beautiful is that beauty mark coming? I didn't even notice. I just saw veins.

But there's the veins because that's the juice of love. But did you see the beauty mark on the left side? No, I missed that. We'll look at that over dinner. See, that's what I would make you suck. Suck the beauty mark. I stopped, Joe. Take the beauty mark.

You know what? What's that? I forgot to even mention too. I'm at Philly Helium Sunday. I'm going down to Philly. Really? So you're doing the whole thing? I'm doing that whole thing. Good for you, Kate.

I'm excited, man. I'm really excited. You know, and that's what... I had a really interesting conversation about a week ago about a dear friend. Not really a dear friend. Somebody who we're friends with. And I thought she was cool,

but she disappears from time to time. And I asked her. And then she called back and she goes, I was upset with you because whenever you do shows, you let people on stage that have been doing comedy for a year and a half. But you never think of me, you know? What she's saying, you know, kind of got to me

because I try to spread the love as much as I can. I don't even think that's true. Yeah, Agostino, you, Irina, whoever. Whoever I bump into and I know that, listen, I see you hustling. You don't think I see you hustling? Yeah. And I remember hustling and people coming up.

And every once in a while, God throws a fucking miracle on you. You get a gig that somebody gives you 500. You're like, wow, I wasn't even looking for that. But I hustled and I deserve it. And I'm at peace with it. It's not like, oh, I got a sniffer's nuts. And I don't like that.

You know what I'm saying? That's how I kind of, Where else are you going this month? You fucking savage. Oh my God, I'm everywhere. Well, and then I'm doing Columbus with you. And then I just got booked. I can't roosters and Sunnyvale.

Yes, that's a good club. I got, I got so many dates coming up, like pretty much all summer, not every weekend, but a couple of places a month. I know I'm going to Boston, Connecticut. I'm doing Mohican Sun. Have you done that? Yes.

You know, that's a good one. Doing that place DC improv. I just got the small room, doing the small room. That's a good one. That's a good one. Yeah. No, I like, I like the DC improv. I'm excited about that.

You know, I got the DC improv that you go out there and you think they're not going to laugh at your fucking jokes or the dirty jokes. And they take the ride. I fucking take the CD there. I have the best set there. You don't have to fucking tell me that. I love all that shit.

I like it there. I'm proud of your fucking bikini showing ass. I love you. I love you because you never complain. You always work. And the other night I called you with Lee in the car and what I say to you. I got Lee in the car with a grandma blow

and a bag of condoms. And you were like, I'll come back and meet you guys. I really did say I'll come back and meet you. But not because I wanted to. No, no, no, no. I don't hear that. Dom Herrera told me I'm unsexually harassable. And I think it's because I just,

I'm so used to you guys talking with that. I don't think about it. Because everybody's trying to fix you and Lee up. Everybody. That's hilarious. This is like the back. If the church. What's going to happen?

If the church had an episode of the bachelor's show, this would be at Lee courting you from day one, coming over to your house with roses and taking you to his friend. Let's go to my favorite sushi place. And he walks and he knows all the Japanese waiters. And that's, that's what we're going to do. Let's go out, Lee.

We're going to invest in the reality show of Lee courting fucking. We'll put them up against five contestants. Is he fueling these fires, by the way? I, I mean, I love Lee. I would feel bad about his recent ex. I'm really bad about that. Like the Christian woman in you doesn't want to go Lee

and take your balls out. Let me like. Nope, I'm good. We just want to see what your Christianity was at. I don't know how, how close are you to ending? Cause there's something I was going to tell you. I think you'll like. Are you done?

Tell me. No, no, it's never done when you're here. You're going to like this story. And so will they, because I never told it, but it's the best story to inspire you to keep working. All of us. This is crazy. My birthday was December 12th, right?

That the night of the 11th, I did a bar show, the parlor, you know, J Davis show. Dave, not David, Dave Chappelle and Donnell Rollins dropped in and I'm friends with Donnell and I've met Dave in passing, you know, but I didn't know him personally. So I'm friends with Donnell and he's like, yo, isn't your birthday tomorrow? I'm like, yeah, he's like, we got to go get dinner.

So me, Donnell, Dave, Chappelle and Moe Ammer, we all go out to get food. Moe Amir. Yeah. Late, late midnight, we go to get food after the show. We actually went to the fuck is the name? I can't remember the name of the place. We went to a pizza place.

So we're at this place eating. We're all pretty drunk. I was drunk. Whatever. 1 a.m. And Donnell's like, what do you guys want to do now? And Chappelle goes, let's go to the comedy store and get on stage. And Donnell goes, really, man, we all did like two spots tonight.

You want to just party? We're already drinking, whatever. You know what Chappelle said? This is like in this past December, he goes, why, man, no one gets better by partying. On a Monday night, we drive to the comedy store, which on the way there, this is one of the most surreal moments of my life,

but I was too fucked up to appreciate it. He showed me on his cell phone some of the Me Too stuff on his new special that just came out before it came out. So I got to see a preview of that. And then, and also he told me, he liked one of the bits I did at the parlor, which like, you know, I'm like, oh, this is the best birthday. And then we go to the store and Chappelle gets on stage.

There's like five people left, the OR, one o'clock, 1.30 on a Monday, gets on stage and does like a half an hour. But I will never forget because I'm like, he's Dave Chappelle and he's still like, not going to get better drinking on a Monday and went back to work and did a third spot and had a special about to come out.

So it's not like he's like running stuff for another one yet. You know what I mean? Like, and I was so inspired and I was like, that's what you do if you want to be fucking Dave Chappelle. It's so funny that that's what you want to do if you want to be funny. Yeah. Like that's, we and I have this conversation.

I remember when I called Lee and I go, what are you doing? I'm doing stuff. Get out of the house, go to the gym, get out. Get your mind going. I don't want you watching TV on the elliptical no more. I want you thinking about jokes. And as soon as you get one, write it into your little pad. Get your mind going.

These are the things I didn't do. If I could do it all over again as a comic, I would get up at seven hungover. Now I'd get up, write for an hour, drink some coffee, smoke a few cigarettes, smoke a joint, take a shit. And I would force myself to do something athletic to take the stress off my mind and release those endorphins. So now whatever I'm writing,

at least I'm not writing angry, you know what I'm saying? So that's the whole thing about comedy that I missed. I missed a complete circle. And that's what I'm trying to spread right now, the young comics. You're doing a phenomenal job. I mean, you're at least doing a fucking tremendous job. At least he shows up and he's down there for the 15 minute spots. Oh yeah.

So it's just great, but you got, I cannot believe you're at the stress factory. I can't either. So it's Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Five stress factory. And then Philly Sunday.

And all my fucking peeps are going to come out from Jersey. All these savages from the church. Yeah. That'll be good. Now you don't smoke weed. Sometimes a little bit before bed. You still got the stars at the house I gave you. I actually have like maybe a quarter of that bag left.

And I use them to sleep, man, but I can only, you know, I can only take a tiny nibble or that shit. Did I tell you about the night that I took one and couldn't fall asleep and got so fucked up? I was so high. I don't know if I told you this. I wasn't going to tell you this, but I started masturbating, right?

Of course. Alone. I was so fucked up. I was like almost hallucinating. Like I really thought someone else was with me. The whole fantasy. I wasn't watching porn or anything. I woke up the next day confused because I was like,

didn't I have a guy here? I thought that I had actually had a guy in my bed. And I was just that high. And I was walking into shit. I woke up the next day. There was so much shit knocked over that I walked into. And I remember being so thirsty. I went to my kitchen and got like eight bottles of water,

but I kept going back for one instead of grabbing a bunch. There's like eight empty water bottles on the floor. I was fucked up. It's the only time I've ever felt the effects of it and not fallen asleep. That shit is crazy, crazy. Now I get why you guys are so fucking nuts on those. We stopped.

We got to cut them down because we're trying to put a podcast together here that people could understand. Right. And at least we're three quarters of the way there. Like I said earlier, you know, yeah, I got shows in April, not too many. We're still waiting on Netflix people.

Yeah. I have not gotten an answer. And either way, it doesn't matter. We keep pushing forward whatever they decide. God bless them. I'm not going to be mad at anyone. But you know what? I found out Kate was going to be on this show.

I really, really wanted to talk about this because this show takes you into weird places. But one of our sponsors, Hymns, is just a... I read. I look at everything before I even get involved with somebody. And this is just tremendous. See, I don't suffer from fucking ED and nothing like that. But my dick gets hard, my dick gets hard.

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Thank God, God gave me a little erection. Even if it only lasted a minute and a half. Even the world's greatest actor can't fake one. Why do guys turn to weird solutions that do nothing when they can turn to medicine and science? All right, you know what the solution is if you have like hair loss or skincare issues or for sexual wellness for men?

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Why let this, you know, I mean, with this, there's no waiting room. There's no awkward doctor visits. There's no lines. You save hours by going to 4HIMS.com. So what I'm going to do is this, for all you savages on John the Church that are ready to sling dick,

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That's 4HIMS.com slash church. F-O-R-H-I-M-S.com slash church. Listen, we're family here. If your dick ain't working, it ain't going to work out for you. You're going to get depressed and you can't get what you're looking for in life. Go to 4HIMS.com slash church right now

and get your $5 membership for the month. Number two, let me tell you something. For years, people sent me watches. They told me about this and this. I put the watches on and go, ah, they're okay, whatever. Next in one day, I got a call asking me if I'd take a look at Vincero watches. Guys, I was blown away by the quality.

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And that checkout, right now, even better. Vincero is going to give all our listeners 15% off the entire purchase with promo code church. Go to Vincero right now. Take a look at the watches they got. They're going to blow you the fuck out of the water. So I'm going to give you 15% off the entire purchase. All right?

With promo code CHURCH at checkout. It's time you step up your watch game. Go check out Vincero at VinceroWatches.com slash promo code CHURCH. I want to thank my girl Kate Quigley and listen from the bottom of my heart. You know I love you guys and I never want you to have a bad experience.

Go see Kate Quigley this weekend at the stress factory. Say hello. Give her a hug. Bring her a joint. Tell her she's banging. Don't touch your cucksuckers. But it's okay if you tell her you look great in the fucking bikini.

I would eat your pussy with flan on it. She likes all that shit. So drop it on her. Where you at Kate Quigley? KateQuigley.com. I love you so much. KateQuigley.com. You can get all my dates through there

or KateQFunny. You're beautiful, baby. I love you so much. Lisa, yeah. I love you. Happy Christ killer day. Easter. You're going to love it.

I saw a bunch of Jews walking around yesterday depressed. This fucking Jesus made a comeback. They thought they killed the cucksucker. Anyway, I love you guys. Don't forget working out with Uncle Joey on the 14th. And on the 19th, I rolled into fucking Columbus, Ohio with the great Kate Quigley to fucking do 420. 420, she's going to smoke dope on stage.

Hi. And we're there Saturday night too. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. Have a great fucking Monday and knock them to fuck dead. Kick that mule, Lee. You're the best, man. I love you.

Well, I'm an ever, ever class high society. God's gift to ballroom notoriety. And I always fill my ballroom. The event is never small. The social pages say I've got the biggest goals of all. I've got big balls. I've got big balls. They're such big balls.

And they're fancy big balls. And he's got big balls. And she's got big balls. But we've got the best balls of the ball. And my balls are always bouncing. And my ball is always full. And everybody comes and comes again. If your name is on the guest list, no one can take you higher.

Everybody says I've got great balls of fire. I've got big balls. Oh, I've got big balls. And they're such big balls. They're fancy big balls. And he's got big balls. And she's got big balls. But we've got the best balls of the ball.

Some balls are held for charity. And some for fancy dress. But when they're held for pleasure, they're the balls that I like best. My balls are always bouncing to the left and to the right. It's my belief that my big ball should be held every night. We've got big balls. We've got big balls.

We've got big balls. And he's got big balls. He's got big balls. She's got big balls. But we've got the best balls of the ball. We've got big balls. We've got big balls. And they're just itching to tell you about them.

And we've had some wonderful fun. We've got big balls. People cocktailed. We've got big balls. We've got big balls. 🙊