Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #575 - Kevin Brennan

Episode Date: April 11, 2018

Kevin Brennan, Comedian, writer and the host of the "Misery Loves Company" and the "Burning Bridges" podcasts, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 04/10/18.  

Welcome to podcastville the church of what's happened now is brought to you by fuji sports calm Go to fuji for your geese rash guards Whatever hell your MMA needs are the mats Listen, I'm a fat fuck a six. I'm down on a five But you could tug on that Saperito fucking G all day long and nothing fucking happens You can just get the plain fucking purple one and I guarantee you it's better than a G world before If you're in the fucking G business go to fuji sports calm right now and check in church on your way out and get 10% off That's how we're rolling here tonight Lee kick that fucking mule

It's Wednesday April 11th you bad motherfuckers get up wash your little monkey hole. It's the real deal Kevin Brennan's here the Christ killers here Lisa at oh Shit little Sylvester little transgender music in the 70s here. Oh shit Tonya so that's who is the black transvestite a Transgender dude he wore like a wig, but he had a big black dick and he made this type of music and he drove fucking Gave people crazy in the 80s. I even went to see him in 85 in San Francisco August brilliant brilliant

Oh shit He wants to know right now I want to know why you went to his concert. I had a girlfriend tickets were on sale. We went down at night of He sang three songs that lasted two hours He only had three songs this is one of them This is like 45 minutes live in concert. He takes office outfits Here we go cock suckers You

Do you want to fuck with me? Oh shit That's a little startup music on a Wednesday you might be feeling a little cool see-cool My man Kevin Brennan's here in the fucking house representing look at you Looking good. I'm ashamed of myself. Why what's the problem? I don't party who gives a fuck Last time I got high I thought I was gonna fucking overdose. That's fine. I'm pot But it never knew you never overdosed on pot. Do you it's impossible right couple things? Is anyone in history ever overdosed on pot? I've come close a couple times. He's been close. I guess I got fucking so paranoid I'm like I I'm not I'm never doing it again

We've got a couple people Overdose and just kind of leave the podcast Really just got up and we left he just walked out just walked out Wow because he was he was he couldn't he was gone Yeah, he was gone now. I was kicked off Twitter of Twitter Yeah, but he did that on purpose. I don't know what happened. I know I was on purpose He was fucking using every word that you're not supposed to So they kicked them off Twitter. Yeah No, but it's genius because he got kicked off Twitter and now he set up a patreon to support First Amendment rights

And his patreon is fucking doing great. So I think he I think it was like all it like a scam Get kicked off Twitter. You look like a fucking hero, right? Everybody always has a fucking side angle. I I got kicked off Twitter for a week and I felt like something I'm like a real dude now Twitter for different reasons. I got kicked off to it twice And I think ticked off Facebook one time for like a week. I got shut down like a read but I couldn't boast Yeah Yeah, you guys sit there and then people are tweeting about you and just got to sit there and fucking take it

You're like, who gives a shit? I'm only gonna do it in my life. I'm worried about what now Well, then you couldn't even like I couldn't even like people's comments They every time I click like on Twitter, they'd be like they remind me that I like six more days in fucking They would tell you like five hours and yeah, I'd be like god damn it You could click again. You're like you cock suckers Then you then you realize you like it you need it and then you really you like, you know what? Maybe they forgot let's go and then you hit it and it's like three days and 22 minutes I know fucker and then that holds you to it that first tweet when your thing's suspensions up

That's a sweet one. I had a picture of my balls up Yeah, seven eight months on Twitter and then somebody finally reported you I got into a Twitter beef with somebody you'd rather be right Yeah, that's what happened. I called some guy a cunt and I guess you can't I thought you could call a guy a cunt No, I know you can call why you can't call women cunts because that's disrespectful But I called somebody a cunt on Twitter and they're and they put me on probation Nine months later. They hit me up on that cunt. Really? Yeah. That was one of the words. They did ban me for I One was using n-word like random f-word Faggot I know you know, I don't know what you guys say here, but you say faggot

No, I know I Word and he f word and the fuck I ain't got time for all this. No, I know I don't Want you to talk how you would talk behind your walls This is what about people come on the fucking podcast and all of a sudden they want to be like this fucking I want you to be some people want to be smart. I don't want to be smart on a podcast I want you to be you. That's number one. I don't give a fuck if you got something to say I don't say it who gives a fuck if it comes back to bite us in the ass I come back to bite you in the ass. What do you think about like it's a professional athletes who have side accounts so they can go comment

So like Kevin Durant got caught this year So like if you said something bad about Kevin Durant, he has the different account that would come and attack you But it's just him. Hmm. That's interesting. You should come up with a side account I don't even have time for the account You know what I'm saying, yeah, but that's a bitch move on Kevin Durant's part, isn't it have a side account I guess I don't know and then everybody they can figure out who it is anyway It's like I have the side account then he was like, I know but then he said well, I didn't know I didn't know that was me Oh, I thought it was my assistant. Somebody hacked me or some shit. Yeah, someone hacked me. It's all it's all a fucking crock of shit

I got enough time for Twitter and Facebook Instagram a friend of mine does it for me. I email in the pictures Your Twitter goes crazy every time you treat it goes fucking yeah, no, no, we go nuts on Twitter We got them under control. There's savages and they're ready to how many people you got on Twitter? I have no idea, but they're fucking all good people I gotta have three three thousand four thousand X Falons ready to really oh, yeah, they send me pictures like a fucking arm Arsenal it's fucking crazy ready to attack. I got them in every state. You got guns. You got guns here me and a couple But you need a gun, right? What do you mean you need a gun? No, you need a gun for to protect your property, right?

Oh, you're gonna protect your property. Yeah, but someone get to school. You gotta bring a piece now Do you I think in the next you got it. Listen my daughter's five you have children Yeah, it's gotta be your biggest fear today. Absolutely you're in your writer's room You're with your friends talking also and you got a fucking text that you right schools and lockdown, right? What are you thinking right now? Right? Well, you gotta get I almost got in trouble already because of the I said What's the security here? Yeah, no, no, you got a so either you have to get together With eight dads and go listen you said seven sacks of shit You're all clean. You're all stock brokers. You're all faggy fucks

It's time to get a gun and we take shifts at that fucking school. Well, seriously. Yeah, this is what it's gonna do it I think I think the principal whether she's up. This is Charles Brown tonight is bad No, the principal don't gotta know dick you just stand at the door. No, you're just sitting your fucking car with coffee a guy Reliesia 12 guy comes in a tree every day alternate dads come all guys that are clean Give me a Vietnam vet that's dying to shoot somebody. That's a guy one I'll pay him to sit outside the school and blast the kid in the head with a fucking bazooka. You think I'm fucking with you I'll go to bolder and find my old friends Fred from Vietnam. They got agent orange They don't give a fuck about anything really don't right, you know, what what do you do as a dad?

What are you supposed to do sit and wait? I told me get a cop there? Unless unless you go now all private schools these people who charge you 30 grand a year They're better come up with fucking security. No, I said, where's the fucking cop? I go So if there's a shooting happens, there's 50 cops here. So we're we're we don't need 50 get one here We just and they go we can't do that. I go. Why can't you there are other on patrol? I go patrol and what what happens at 8 30 in the morning on a fucking school day Even the blacks take that time off. They wake up late The blacks my wife's Hispanic so I can do black jokes. I'm just worried about my buddy over here

I was with the with the virus fucking cough drops Fucking and the fucking no, I'm worried. I'm worried. I'm worried about the fucking skate the kids and the shootings No, you have to as a concerned parent as a Fucking uncle whatever you got to think of yourself. What the fuck is going on in these schools? All right, and something is gonna happen like that. So you want truly something will happen like that that a fucking kid Makes a threaded school and the dad finds out about the dad goes down there with a submachine gun and just blows some kids at all And what are you gonna do? How are you gonna justify? It's gonna happen eventually, you know, 20 years ago We didn't think something like Vegas would happen. We never in our dreams

Thought that you could go to a constant and shot Las Vegas So my brother anything is possible until he's fucking world and you have to prepare for fucking anything Nothing they come at me anymore. It's like wow, what a fucking surprise. I don't even like big crowds. No, that's why I like my shows I don't draw a crowd. I sell maybe 30 tickets. That's all you need to start people to get the party started If you take your dick, I don't leave seven get offended. You're in the fucking winning percentage. You can't go to jail. You follow me But it's true. It's fucking true. It's gonna happen somewhere Yeah, well, it's gonna get a win the dad's gonna get a win and he's gonna go, you know what I'm not gonna call the cops But daddy, please

He's gonna pick up that couch and under that fucking couch is a shotgun An oozy and a leftover fucking bazooka from his Nazi days And he's gonna go down that school and wait for that fucking kid watch It's gonna happen. He's gonna shoot a kid that bullied his kid. No, no, no One of these kids is gonna go home and go look. Did you see the YouTube shooter? Yeah, no, I didn't see the video. Did you see the videos of the YouTube? Yeah Let me tell you something if I was all that video, I would have called the feds You knew she's about to shoot somebody. Yeah, look at the fucking video. Yeah, you knew she's fucking about to shoot somebody

Don't take a genius. You could tell that that bitch was crazy. Yeah, but everyone's crazy, right? You can't tell after the told after the fact so who's crazy, you know, I mean you can't say all this person's crazy There's not enough evidence At least they found her that morning They found her sleeping in her car. Yeah, and they they did a check and they called the family and they go, okay I guess you she's okay They should have checked Facebook It's just

Everybody puts their fucking testimonials pretty soon they're gonna NC. I see you like, you know, they should I don't give a fuck And your Facebook and I'll be fucking interested right if your social media comes up They have a score for you for saying like crazy shit or something. Yeah, that's gotta come next. I Don't give a shit. I don't I just don't my kids murdered and it's it's scary because it's like you would think it's gonna be in the Worst neighborhood said the school I went to my senior year this guy someone stabbed another kid and it like a Lot of these school shootings are happening at like nice places So that you think you're gonna move to a place and put your kids in a good air a good situation

It really you're not really safe anywhere now. Yeah, I live in Jersey City. So I shouldn't even say that but no Jersey City represent and I love it But people you know people say it's not gonna happen here, but you don't know where it's gonna happen We live in Jersey City for just a couple years. We I was I was I was general square. Look, it's better It's still dumpy, but it's better movie theater still there. Yeah, really Yeah, but I think now they made it like a like a church like a like a more like a not a Mormon But like Jehovah Witness kind of a church because I see a lot of people dressed up stand in front of it They got places to be scary. It must have been nice growing up there, right? Just fucking no rules

I used to go to the movies there and there was a sporting good on that street when you went running journal square So the buses come this way from North Bergen this way and right there where Going like South I guess so you would say they used to be a street in fact The guy that blew up the World Trade Center. His office was right on that and office. It had an office on the first time Yeah, that's where they're off in 1991 or whatever. Yeah, 91 93 whatever it was there Across the street from there when I was a kid that was the best sporting good Even though North Bergen had levees and had two floors That one had the best shit in the world

And we would take a bus go to sporting goods and go to that movie theater. I Went to see all those pink pantomovies there stone to the gills on the Saturday You know six of us were not supposed to smoke we we buy a nickel bag get seven joints and go to the movies there I saw Richard prior live on the Sunset Strip there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I must have seen 20 movies there It was always an adventure. Yeah, there's got to take a bus down there Where'd you smoke on that before you got after you got off the bus after you got off the bus? So sometimes before on the way up the hill on the way up before after during we would smoke. He's smoking a theater ever Ah

None knows in New York City theaters. I've sparked up. Yeah, and the 80s you could spark up at a movie theater in New York you could spark up and and On 42nd Street and maybe an usher would say something. Yeah, that was a rough theater But there was a movie theater on 181st Street that two movies for two dollars Yeah, you could light a crack pipe and nobody would say a fucking word. Yeah, I smoke cracking that one. There's not a joke I saw office in the gentleman there And fuck you smoke crack run off. I didn't know crack. I smelt it in that one. Oh, he smelt it. I think I know like This was like when people were putting coke in this figure at that point

85 yeah, I was as a matter of fact, I wasn't doing coconut. I was just smoking pot And I remember smelling in the movies here to go who the fuck Would smoke fucking this shit to come see like it was like a kung-fu. Oh, I know exactly what movie it was the one with the black dude that he owned the pizza place and they knew kung-fu and I don't know. Oh my god. I was gonna say do the right thing. No, no, no, it's similar. It's before do the right thing and It's Leroy Bruce Leroy. Yeah. Yeah, see if Bruce Leroy comes up there. They the guy just died

The guy that played the karate expert in the movie just passed maybe two years ago and they had posted about him up Uh, the show gun of Harlem for real. That was his name. I'm a show gun a Harlem Yeah, my wife said she used to go to all these fucking movies now She grew up on a Bronx, but she said they used to just They she grew up loving kung-fu because you watch all these kung-fu movies on saturday after noon on the tv That's all you get. There were only four channels and one of them was just kung-fu movie Now, where'd you grow up? Boston. I know I grew up in Philadelphia Okay, how'd you end up in new york comedy? Yeah, I mean I went I didn't start that but I started in chicago

Now when I used to talk to pete all the time our first mutual friend That's when you were at it. You had a deal at abc. You were developing the show. Yeah, each. Yeah 10 years ago in 2005 and then I didn't see you anymore. I know I just Where'd you go? No, you can't me. I couldn't maintain it. I never podcast then it's it's fucking looking back It's very frustrating to watch these fucking guys Not that I'm bitter, but I am a little bit but watch these guys they get something and they can they can kind of Keep it going with a podcast, you know So I had a lot of fans

But then they just you just lose them because I couldn't I didn't get another special, you know I didn't the the pilot for mbc didn't get picked up It was just fucking then you just sitting there. You're like where'd everybody go and there was no communication like there is Yeah, there's no twitter. There's no like people People just you know, I had a lot of fans then but they just fucking drift away, you know, and it's it's annoying There was like the with twitter. I could have kept them, you know Because they just people even say now. Oh shit. Oh, fuck. I listen to your podcast. I remember when you did your fucking to your podcast

I don't know for a fact But they say they say oh, yeah, I was a fan when you did your hbo thing and it was I didn't never I didn't either I didn't know about my podcast So it's it's fucked up that like all this shit were like you could just build your base off of twitter And and you know do just you can kind of stay in touch with your friends. You couldn't back then I did a hbo half hour and then it's fucking done, you know, I mean some of it's my fault because I'm not that good, you know Fucking I did it with bill burr. He's doing pretty good. He fucking parlayed it into something Louis ck. He was one of the fucking patrice on Neil. He's dead, but that's his soul

Yeah, but I'm just saying like oh, but but some guys fucking norton, you know some guys, but but you know, it's hard show business is not fucking uh It's not easy, you know And that's in 2009. I was ready to drop out like for real from the road Yeah, and maybe do stand up and yeah But you like doing stand-up, right? I like doing stand-up, but when you have a family, it's different. Yeah, right, you know You love doing stand-up when you're single right fucking deal Once you can't enjoy it as much because then my wife's like how's that on the road?

I have to say it sucks and then it kind of does suck because I know she's fucking mad that I'm not there, you know Well, when you're married and you have kids you gotta come on, you know, can you imagine this is 20 years ago? When we were working tuesday through sunday. Yeah, you came home on monday through laundry Pay your bills deposit you check and leave again tuesday fucking morning right and then wednesday you did radio thursday You did radio and friday you did radio But that was work jack Now we do thursday friday saturday and that's too much Like that's too much. I can do that twice a month

And put my whole heart into it And do two shows to the solid. I can't do two weeks in a row no more really three four a week in a row bullshit Can't do that no more that ship sail I could do the every other week For a while and that's what you tell your agent every other week. Yeah. Oh, yeah You could do every week, right? I send the dates if I wanted to but I don't want to yeah, it's too exhausting I don't want to have a family. I want to come home. I want to enjoy what you're exhausted Then you feel like you're gonna fucking die. You know, I can't do attention to this

Yeah, right do that much stand up. I can't give the podcast the attention that I did that Four years ago, and we lost we went down the tubes. I wanted an eight week run You can't do it. Oh, you people just dropped out of the show You gotta remember that a podcast is like a fucking wave. It's like a people come and people go Okay, that's true come and people go and then they you have two bad podcasts. They disappear And then they come back And it's free and it's free They see something online and you make them laugh and they come back and you have to accept that as a human being

Right, right. I don't look at my numbers anymore because I don't want to get depressed No, no a new flavor is is always on the horizon And there's nothing you can do. That's why you got to respect the guys like burr and Sebastian and Who keep pounding it? The little mexican kid, you know The fat kid fucking fluffy. Oh, yeah fluffy. Yeah, you know fluffy at one stone. He goes. I don't know how long this wind doesn't last

So I gotta attack it. Yeah in ten years. Nobody remember fluffy. There's a new fat mexican kid and you're out there at the fucking uh Fucking chup hoger hills casino and flags somewhere hoping to get half a room full hope You know getting 30 people two of them that remember your podcast back in 98 We remember your podcast man The nightly eight to 20 edibles and eight to stop because I always think I'm the same age, you know And I see fans they go, oh, we saw you, you know 10 years ago and then I'm like, oh, they look old I guess I look old too, but when you do comedy you just you kind of lose track of that

So so I guess you do got to push it when it's hot But you know back to your point about Like my like whenever when there's like some scandalous something happens with my podcast the numbers fucking go crazy And then as soon as it stops they go away, you know, and then and then you know I get into fights on my podcast and people like, you know, my wife's like, what the fuck you're doing? I go, that's what you know, I'm not doing it because people like it, but they do like it You know what I mean and and and I don't mind because I don't mind fucking getting an argument with people, you know We're gonna like even somewhere just you know, like I was on I was gotten a fight with fucking on

On norton show on a serious show because some guys some guy fucking said something about my daughter, you know I said, yes, I said his wife was fat, you know I said you're fat you're what no I said you're you're fat your wife's probably fat you're from the midwest and he then he said something about my daughter So I fucking grabbed him, you know And then norton's like you can't fucking touch people And on radio, but I'm like, I knew the fucking numbers would go crazy, you know, I mean like I didn't do it for that reason But when you go in there, you just try to have a fucking regular conversation

Like I barely even want to fucking do it myself, you know what I mean like when I do a podcast And I and it's just you know, and like I did one last night. I forget the name of it I'm like, I just wanted to fucking leave, you know, it's just a fucking regular Like I don't have a fucking regular conversation and I know the fans can get that anywhere, right? They can listen to fucking talk radio on fucking. Yeah, no, I agree with on 10 10 wins or whatever the fucking station I just don't want this to be fucking poisoned backstage MTV awards 91. Like I what your show. Yeah. Yeah, no Yeah, but you're already you're already like a guy. You're like a guy, you know, like I'm a regular white guy So I don't want to have a regular white guy show. Fuck that. You know, I mean, I want to be I want to be a regular guy

No, I don't want to be a regular guy. I want it to be a I want to be outrageous You know, I mean so so that's what I try to fucking do I try to push fucking buttons and I try but every time I get into like a situation The numbers fucking spike. So now I stop listening to that I stop watching numbers because I don't want to be a fucking whore to the numbers You know what I mean? So I don't even want to know. I'm just like I just try to have a fucking good time And now I sound like I need to have a good time No, but I try to like I try to make it fun for me if it's fun for me

It's probably fun for the fans, you know, how many podcasts do you do a week? I do I've won at kumia's network, you know kumia from o and a And that's like behind a paywall and then I have another that's called burning bridges And then I have my own ship my my other show called misery loves company and I do that that's that's you know That's nope. There's no paywall there But you know and even doing two shows a week. It's it gets a little fucking, you know I mean, could I do a fucking show four days a week? I don't know. I mean I admire like Rogan, he does if he does four hours twice fucking two shows a week. I don't know how he does. Yeah, it's amazing

And even bill burr. I asked him I go. How do you just sit there and talk to yourself? I couldn't fucking talk to myself like I think it's like amazing. You can fucking or either he's crazy You just sit there and talk to yourself. I go. Do you pause it when you run? He goes? I just keep talking I'm like, I can't even imagine so even doing two shows a week is a little bit of a Is a little bit of a challenge, you know, how many spots do you do a week still in the city? I don't I you know, I'm I'm gonna do more my wife was like Going to school and because she's bilingual. She was going to bilingual school so my nights were a little bit cock-blocked but now I want to do more spots because

I I just it's more. I don't know. It's been more fun lately I have new material my podcasts are going good. So I want to like get out there I want to be like I want to have like a fucking late I want to have like a late and late in my career renaissance. You know what I mean? Because it's it's not most many people do it. You know what I mean? So I think it'd be cool if I could fucking have like be like an old guy And be like keep up with the fucking young guys, you know, I mean like I work at a commie seller and So many comes up and one of the young guys or a young guy kills and I follow. I'm like, yeah, fuck you, mother fuckers

You're like, I'm not afraid of you Let's do this, right? Because I'm supposed to be like in my in my in my later years I'm supposed to be like just fucking feeling sorry for myself and being like, well with me, but my son's five I don't have time for that shit. How old are you now? I'm older than you. I looked up. I look out. Yeah, I am I looked up on your wikipedia 63. Yeah, I'm older than you You look great. I do You're like you're 42 with some shit

So, yeah, I I mean, you know, my mom looks my mom's like 80. My mom looks still looks good I wouldn't fuck her but you know, I mean she still looks good. So But so we hold up, you know, but but I'm saying I I'm still old, you know My brother's three years older than me and he had a heart attack. So you don't know It doesn't you know, and he he exercised or whatever. So you don't know So I'm saying like I want to have like a fucking And that's why I like this putt. Yeah, he's fine. But I just want to have the no He's like a vegan now and you know, whatever

But I'm saying I want to have like I want to have like a fucking late in career in my career I don't want to be like I want to be one of those guys to be like, I'm not afraid I'm not afraid of you Following your young motherfuckers, you know, I mean, I don't give a shit, you know Because I always thought like when you watch these guys, I mean probably it's like my brother Neil's in the business So I'm like, I'm kind of like competitive with him in a way. And so I'm like fuck this So I think you need that you need somebody to fucking keep you like competitive. You know what I mean But you're doing great. So I don't know why I'm fucking talking to you about it

I'm an old man. I know but that's what I'm saying. You're like a role model for me. You're like a fucking It was hilarious because I was already going a different direction like I was getting movies and shit. Yeah, you know what the stand-up is just not getting it And that's fine. What do you mean not not getting it for you? I wasn't clicking the stand-up just was but it is now Uh, yeah a little more. Yeah a little more. It wasn't clicking back then in 2009 I started clicking in about 2010 Was when I started putting it together. That's a sad fucking situation that

Wait, you're saying forever and then it just you just got good. You just we're in 2010. You're like, I'm clicking now To doubt it took me 19 years to find my rhythm. Okay the rhythm. Well, I feel like I'm finding my rhythm now because I'm like Too long too fucking long, but I feel like now I'm like I'm madder I have I have reasons to be mad and I'm fucking like I have kids I gotta fucking support them. So I'm like, I don't give a fuck, you know I mean like I'm like, let's let's just fucking do this, you know, I'm not I'm not as nervous as much I'm like, let's fucking do this plan of attack I just I'm like just be as aggressive as I can. You know, I mean for a white dude who would page

Yeah, like a website. Yeah, no, I don't do that. I gotta do more of that But I have people helping me this podcast has like been good because people come out like you got the fucking guy for with aides You know, I mean, but people come up and they and they want to help you, you know I mean guys who can like technical. I don't know. I don't know how to do this. I gotta work page Yeah videos you gotta get a youtube page, right? Web or youtube, but they gotta be able to go somewhere Kevin, right? If you're gonna Go for it. There's certain steps that yeah, but I gotta I gotta go for it. I got I don't have enough

I don't have enough money It cost you 10 cents to make. No, I'm not talking about that. I'm saying for my kids. I gotta fucking. No, I know So this is how you make money. Yeah, I mean, I remember Louis CK was like, he's like, yeah I got a man. I only have so many years to make money. He was right because he got fucking busted You know, I mean, but I'm saying like you only have so many years I I can't I can't sit around my kids. It'd be like, ah, daddy Fucking he ran out of jokes. You still write a lot. I try to I don't write as much as I used to but writing these scripts or anything No, never

No, I think there are ways I don't even like the fucking I don't like that. I don't like the format I don't even like the fucking type Like I don't like the what's the format you have to fucking do screenplays in like that thing where you have to like I know what you're saying that like the stage fright. Yeah, you like to have to like do parentheses and shit I don't want to do any parentheses I write in my book. I have a notebook. I write in the in the notebook, but But I don't I don't I don't like show I don't like show business either That's why I don't like LA. In other words, I don't like LA because a lot of fucking rules

There's so many rules out here. You know, you do any meetings while you were here. No, because no couple times No, I didn't get on stage at all because I was kind of on vacation Plus I I know I know how to do stand-up. You know what I mean? Somebody asked me you want to do a show in Van Nuys. I go no I don't know. I don't want to Van fucking nice. Where were you now north hollywood? Yeah, it's even farther than that, right? No van is even closer Yeah, that's what I'm saying It's for it's 15 minutes and then I told the guy I couldn't do it and because I said I couldn't do it

He wanted me even more in that typical He told somebody he was a fan. No, I'm saying no if in show business if you tell somebody you're not interested They're like, oh, he must be good. You have to act like you don't want to fucking do it, right? You got a point Oh, it's like if you if they say can you do it for this much money? You go no, even if you even if there's not a money reason if you go no, then like they offer you more money So whatever so that's it. But anyway, I don't want I don't I don't like doing the vacation Yeah, and I don't like doing stand-up like I this guy's doing a this guy's from new york, huh?

And I gotta be like hey, I'm from new york. You want pizza? You know, I mean, I don't fucking be like that. I don't you know what I mean So now we just go up to everybody go. Hey, I'm neil brennan's brother because neil lives out here And he's big he's like people think he's like very successful So I just like mocked that I'm like, hey, I'm neil brennan's brother Even though I'm fucking older than him and I'll fucking beat the fuck out of him Esther said you said you didn't he did you thought he didn't like you or something? Yeah, he don't say much to me. I always say hello. Where you see him the comedy star. He's probably afraid of you

No, he's a sweetheart of a guy. No, he's not No, he's not a fucking sweet. He's a fucking gold digging star fucking show business type He's like a no, he's doing you know, no, he's he's he's probably that's what he's he's probably afraid of you Because you're like a real dude and you can probably sniff it out. No, no, no. I shake his hand. He's not a bad All right. He's a good guy. He doesn't bother nobody. He just sits there. He doesn't he doesn't I know He's he knows how to work it. Yeah, he works and he writes. He's a great writer. I've complimented him Yeah, I told him a few times if I could write like you I'd be a fucking Murderer, what do you do? How do you write your jokes? You just not like him? I'll tell you that much

It's a fucking joke that guy, but you write you just go up with with something in your head. Tell a story Sometimes you have something in your head sometimes you tell a joke But to sell the joke, maybe you tell a story to go with the fucking joke It's different styles. You know, it's it's I used to just be machine gun like Rodney. Yeah, that's one liners. That's funny for 18 minutes When you got 45 minutes, I ain't that fucking it's fucked up people don't understand that so

People understand like a one liner. Yeah, I work for Stephen Wright one time and people just got sick of his fucking act After a while the 18 minutes you yeah, there's a one line. It was a one line. Yeah, B They look at their phone. Yeah, and there goes your line. Once they get the rhythm once they get the rhythm You're done. If you tell them a story justify why you're saying these thoughts Tell them something that happened in your life. It's easy to tell them the joke sometimes. Right If you believe in something and you bring it to the stage Even if it sounds wrong, but you sell it the right way You're a fucking genius

You'll be you've been at a comedy club watching the comics before you And some guy that's not edgy tries to be edgy and a backfires on. Yeah, it's not edgy. Right. Why is he going? Guys like you and I We'll say whenever whenever the fuck is necessary. Yeah a point and we'll deal with the complications later, right? That's that's a good part about the one stand up though. Oh, that was the part I If it was up to me, I'd go fucking nuts on stage and I do go nuts on stage to a degree I tame it down a little bit because I just tame it down because doesn't necessarily have to go there. Yeah

Yeah, but also you can't you can't do what you want to do because you gotta you followed the guy you're on a show You know if you go on the commie store, you're want you're one guy in a show. So unless you're gonna go up like kinesin Screaming with the fucking jacket and like the whole thing But that's a lot. That's a lot of work to go up there every night fucking doing the comedy store is a tough place to go up Every no, that's what i'm saying. So you gotta follow the lea your brother rogan wine white Chappelle. Yeah, you don't fucking know alley wong. It's a combination of fucking killers, right? And there you are a quarter to eleven. They've already seen three killers, right? You better go up there and bring something a bow and arrow

A fucking drum. You better bring something bitch, right? So your energy, you know when you go to the store when I go to the store, I get anxiety, right? I 20 fucking seven years of comedy and i'm looking you in the eye telling you that I sit back there and go How can I get out of here right now when i'm nobody knowing and without me not pissing people off? Yeah Like that's what then when you get up. You're okay, right as soon as I hear my as soon as I see that light turn blue It's post-time, but right right you didn't run now. You know you can't run now I'm just saying sometimes you what you can't really you know if they saw somebody if you go up who somebody who kills

Right before you it's just it gets a little you can't always do exactly what you want to do because you got to deal with What you're with the wake of what they created, you know, I mean let me tell you something The whole wake Is whatever wake you creating your head when you follow somebody? Okay, think about that. No, I know I know you've been doing comedy for if you've been doing comedy as long as I have You know that There's times There's times I go into that fucking main room. I gotta follow crystal here

And I could feel the shit coming out of my asshole Because she's up there just killing them clean. He's likable. He's good-looking in my mind I can't follow that If I walk up there with that mindset like I did for 20 years You're dead Yeah, you have to go to the comedy store wanting to follow the best motherfucker, right like, you know what I'm saying I want to go to the store. Yeah, I like to follow some fucking magician But that's not the case. Right. You're following Joe Rogan tonight

And you know, like I always said Going to the comedy store is like getting in your car to go get get it Nobody gets in the car to go get shot Like where you going? I gotta go down the sunset. They don't put a boat in my heart. I'll be back in about two days. You know what I'm saying? Nobody does this. You gotta be crazy to do this when you go to the store. No, I know like this week I'm trying to write new material. I'm not going to the fucking store. I'm not fighting those savages I go to flappers and hide. I go to the fourth wall and hide

I'll stop at the ha ha and hide But you know, there's some weeks that you just this you can't lift like a heavy weight every week Right. There's some we should just go and fucking do a couple push-ups and a couple sit-ups And you do some yoga. You switch it up a little bit, you know The store you sit back there I mean, you don't want to sit. I'm not drinking Right. I'm not drinking. So what am I gonna set the bar for? If I sit back there, I'm blocking the girls

So I'll just sit with mitchie shore set up at the top there that last row And I'll watch three or four guys before me And I'll fucking work myself out. Jack. I'll be scammed and fuck As long as I can see light And I know the door is open. I'm all right If they lock the door I get anxiety. It's like a cage fight. Yeah 27 years doing comedy and still get fucking that anxiety and butterflies and shit It's like seeing kichi. You know what I'm saying? Well, it's kind of like I just started comedy four months ago and it's

Part like I live there's a part to it that I love and there's parts that are great but then there's also parts of it that Like make you think like why am I putting myself through this to maybe in 20 years? be one of the top 10 percent that's doing like there's There has to be something about it that keeps you in it The percentage if you we've never discussed this the percentage Somebody broke it down to me like maybe 15 years ago at the comedy store one night

the percentage of stand-ups compared to doctors and There's thousands comedians guys Thousands in this country, you know, lucky we are kevin brendan to even be in the circle that we've been You have any fucking idea like when I wake up in the morning I used to be pissed off I'm not pissed off anymore because I proved my point Which is why I wasn't a criminal. I was a stand-up comic

Yeah, I don't know I mean yeah, no, I know I mean I know what you're saying, but I I have a problem like I can't like I don't I'm not I'm like I'm still mad about something like I don't know what it is. I'm mad about something So I use that To go up on stage like if I don't feel it. I'll just tap into that like I'll just tap into like and that That gets me nothing wrong with that. That gets me away from being nervous, you know and people go Why are you mad? I do the same thing sometimes. I go. I don't know why I'm mad. I might be mad at my wife I might be mad at just life or just like the fact that like

You know like show business or whatever stand up or like I'm following a guy who's fucking killing, you know And then you're like why the fuck the why is the this guy have to be fucking killing? Because I don't want to deal with this shit tonight And then I go up there and the fucking crowd's looking at me like where's the other guy, you know And then it's what I just used to fucking but I'm still I still feel like I'm mad I'm just fucking mad and I kind that's what I'm saying. I want to be like I'm like a mad fucking comic or use it to advance No, I'm not when I go. It's still when I go up on stage. I want to be mad and just fucking mad Even if I follow bill burr or whatever. I'm like, I don't give a fuck. I'm mad. You're the captain kirk of the enterprise, baby

Yes, so I'm going up. I'm mad. I'm so fucking you're from the homo rocky bar boy. You know what I'm saying? Who are you scared? So if I the worst thing that can happen is like I get murdered You get shot in the head. Who is a fucking you go out like a soldier? They build a statue in front of you in front of fucking the comic strip So if I get murdered you and lucian out there with statues So I get murdered I get murdered who gives a shit, right? So who cares about dying at a fucking stand? I mean you're you're worried but now I'm like I gotta fucking worry about dying and all this You're killing in the name of

You're killing in the name of that's it. Yeah, I love that. Fuck it. Let me give some shout outs here real quick here I could tell you're mad. So Eddie camberos C. Dizzle That's quads in arizona. I'm coming the first week of may the tempi Eric c Quadrex jojo manisi Julio sians

What are you nuts? Jimmy from fucking road arkansas there jimmy roads from arkansas chase lepid And my man nick fattigato Are you fucking nuts? Who are these guys? Who are these guys? Don't worry about me? The people the people who send them the pictures of the guns. Oh, right We got people out there in the jungles get ready. Don't forget Columbus next thursday night. That's all this left Either you show up thursday night. I'm not gonna see you conch sucker. So now you're fucked

One's a 20. It's right sat friday. So you show thursday the people who show real respect Show up on thursday. Anyway ready to go prepared. You're waking up high. I'm fucking 420 If I was here with lee, we would have started the marathons on wednesday. You're going to bed high We're going to bed high and waking up high If you get over to beside us, I'll take you to fucking columbus and you'll be eat nettles for three days straight Eat net fuck in the california. What's that place that has all the fun? The thousand dishes you go into the cheesecake? Cheesecake factory Tells me I know they got one right at the columbus funny bone, right? Yeah, right outside You'll be in there every day for lunch. That must be pretty cool though. I mean, how long have you guys been going to columbus ohio?

like Yeah, like to me like that seems like the coolest part of comedy is getting to travel the country and I know Going to the same malls 20 years in a row must get old at some point But to me like it just sounds kind of cool to be I've never come to this club or this city for 20 years I never do nothing. I go to a city. I never do nothing Well, if a lot of times I don't have a car and then they go then they go to the club that night that they go What'd you do today? I got nothing. I don't have a fucking car. I just sat in my fucking You don't go for a walk. I go for a walk. I exercise, but I don't like go to the zoo. I've never been to a zoo

I've never been everybody's like everybody wants to go to the fucking aquarium. You know what I mean Nobody's asking you to go to the fucking no, but they but I talked to other comments ago I went to the they go you want to go to the ball game. I got no sitting a fucking son all day It'd be a football game depends if I was headlining. I can't go but if I was featuring I'd be there Why because you'd less responsibility. Yeah That's true. You could talk all day and talk shit and tell stories All you gotta do is go up then do 25 minutes. I'm right. It's so funny that you said about the 19 minutes from online Yeah, somebody comes in and pays 25 dollars for you. You can't be an astro game. Oh, fucking dang. Go to a fucking

That's true. You gotta you gotta rest up. You really can't people understand that I used to get livid when that when Waits is who want to fuck the feature because he did better But I'm like, he don't you don't have a check spot. He don't have you don't have last call you motherfuckers And they thought he was and he was younger and he was like I'm like you fucking dumb whores And they wouldn't fuck me Because I call him a dumb horse. No, it's just front people don't know that side of the business You know, I mean like that you got all this responsibility. I think you're it's like all fun and games

But it's no it's it's very little funny. Listen. I only have one opportunity at this In my world, this is never ever gonna happen again It's not gonna happen again. I'm not 28 and this is gonna happen. Right So I'd rather give dude nine shows a month And give a hundred percent. Why am I bomb one of those shows? No, what happens when you bomb what happens when you bomb you take the ride?

No, but what happened you just taken out but what happens what happens with the crowd they just They're your fans, right? Yeah, and listen, are you them bomb bomb? You just don't have your good show. Yeah, you just don't have a good show Maybe a thursday night. Yeah, you're rusty. You know, you have you haven't done 45 since sunday night, right? Well, that's saturday the week before it's not like la 45 minuteville, right, right? So if you stay home for 10 days, that's why I always do at least 145 minutes set At the ice house in between those two weeks. Yeah to stretch that muscle if not that thursday night It's gonna be a fucking long night my friend. Yeah, have you guys bomb like bomb bomb like

And for me, I just started my whole but my whole body started sweating and like Have you do have sets like that anymore where maybe it's not the whole set But maybe like 20 minutes of it's just silent. Absolutely. Whoo. Absolutely I didn't think I connected with them that well this time in nyak as I did the first time After the snowstorm that thursday night and shit. I could feel it something wasn't It wasn't clicking but as long as you know this As long as you're not getting on the phone calling your brother neil and going dog. I just killed the nyak That's where the problem starts, right?

When I go back to my room that night, what do you do? I have a journal Yeah, and I write that I ate a bag of decks And I write the reason and why it happened. Yeah, I do too You write you exactly know what happened. Mm-hmm lack of energy You took a fucking chance on the joke You took a joke in the wrong direction. You know what? Sometimes getting there at five in the afternoon when you have an eight o'clock show isn't that good of an idea? You might be a little scrambled

There's a thousand reasons why the the single reason is we fucked up. I was doing a show Uh, I don't I guess like a year and a half ago. It was right near christmas and uh So I thought I thought I was getting tired, you know So I get I got some more caffeine and then because I just thought I needed something for the show, you know So I get some more caffeine and then I'm and then I'm sitting there louis ck walks in so I got uh, fuck so I mean, that's not a big deal but then uh Then he goes, uh, I go. When are you gonna go on he goes? I'll go on after you

So then everybody hears that louis there so now everyone's piling there the guy from conan was in new york They're all piling in this fucking in the the village underground at the commie cellar So I go up on stage. I'm like a fucking mess because I'm I got too much caffeine And now I'm like hype now. I'm like nervous even though I shouldn't be nervous. So I go up on stage I'm like I'm like I'm like I got dry mouth And I'm just I'm so disgusted with myself because I'm like you're a fucking how long you've been like even on stage I'm like, how long you've been doing this and I felt like I had no idea how to how to like deal with it I know how to add any idea like what to even you know, I did some crowd work

But it was and then I got off louis goes that was good. I go was a fucking mess. So it's it's just it's it's amazing how like And I'm but I learned like just don't fucking don't get too whatever like you I learned my lesson But it was still like it was still like so annoying to me because I've been doing it too long to have a fucking show like that You know, it's one thing if I'm new and I get I got an audition for fucking letterman and I'm nervous But I that wasn't the case. I've been doing it too long and I just was like thrown So I don't know if it ever fucking ends where you're just thrown for something. We'll just fucking get you, you know Whether it's your tired travel. You just didn't eat, right? You're fucking got diarrhea or something Fucking variables. You know, I don't know that people don't know that people don't know and some and they think like what's wrong with joey today

Sometimes you do a show where people laugh And they come up to you after the show and they go that was a great show I've seen you two times before and that's the best time I've ever seen you But you still go That was a shit show. Yeah, like I just did a shit show compared to what I did last week Right at this place. Okay. Now you go back to your room and you make your adjustments And friday early, maybe I pick up the energy And there it is. Yeah, and then the late show is easy now. I'm steamrolling. Yeah by saturday

That's good. I mean, I wouldn't not gonna fucking stop me. You know, I wouldn't think that you'd be You'd be this dedicated to the uh, listen, they're gonna pay 25 bucks for you. Yeah, I mean, it's good that you know 25 bucks for you Even if I they don't laugh, but they know I left my heart on the stage. Yeah. Yeah That's how I feel now. Like I can't control everything, but I'll fucking I'll fight it. I'll fight it I fight and I fucking yeah, and I try to give him fresh material. Yeah, you know, you always try to give him something fresh You're always trying shit. Even if it bombs you try it. Yeah, even if it bombs you try it I don't want to go see a comic that I'm excited about

Do the same out what he did last year when I went to see him something in your life had to happen Something had to happen Something happened, right? I dare myself sometimes. I'm like, don't be a faggot do the joke like I'll have the joke in my head I'll be like, uh, it's not it's not the right time. I go. Just do it. You faggot You know why I love to improvise at the store I could go crazy at the store When that dude when I walk up he plays music for me

I could run with it and I've done it a thousand times before Now I don't do it no more And the last time I did it was about three weeks ago. I went nuts in the original room And I felt good about it. Like when I walked out and I'm like, uh, I still got that animal And yeah, I just tame it in here from time to time because The crowd has tightened up a little bit in the original room I've gone in there some nights and I've said some shit that The church people get it. Yeah, I pass people get it. Yeah, but people that are just visiting here

We're going to the store to see Chris Delia and I'm flying with it. Yeah, but you tried it. Yeah No, it is gonna little how many is about it is a little weird It's gonna a little weird, but you know, you you got it. You could if listen If you're if you're like, I'm gonna do it Then I then that's the way it is. You know what I mean? I go I see Louis C. K. walk up. You know, he's he's just I'm like that joke's inappropriate Even I'm offended by but I'm like at least he's fucking doing it and he's taking the fucking chance, you know

He's committing to it committing. Yeah, he's committing to like I go to open mics to watch Lee at the fourth wall Yeah, and I see this eight comics nine comics and you steal their best jokes. No I'm kidding. Of course everybody of those kids Will say something that is funny But that's what I learned Their commitment is not there. Right. So the joke is null and void. Yeah, they'll keep writing witty stuff But until they commit to that joke and I don't know what Part of it. Do you commit it's when your whole soul is into that joke

If you tell if you throw a punch and you throw it like this, it's not gonna affect the fucking pan up here That's what it's like. You're throwing punches like this You're covering yourself. You're timid. You're timid. You're timid. I can see you're afraid it'll bomb So you're timid with it even like the best guy a commitment that I've ever seen in the business is Doug Stanhope Yeah, when he commits He commits. Yeah, and he commits and there's people slamming bottles and saying I'm out of here But he committed right and I could agree like it's from an audience member. I'm not laughing at Stanhope But I see a couple people get off and stuck duggers up there with a bottle of booze

Smoking those fucking cigarettes and he's fucking talking from the heart. I'm all in with Doug Stanhope I'm all in with any comic that does that. Right. It's when a comic is talking on a line And they're not committed. They're telling you the joke, but their shoulders are hunched up, right? That's lack of experience. It's not their fault. I'm not mad at them You know, maybe when you were doing comedy at the 12 year mark You did a joke that didn't work And some somewhere six years later you popped up the joke and now the joke works What do you think you got funny? No, you committed to the joke. Yeah

You committed to the fucking joke. I used to not be committed I know people are getting sick of this But I used to not be committed because I didn't think I was the best guy on the show Because I used to be on a lot of shows with david tell so I was like he's funnier than me So I I shouldn't really I shouldn't be but now I'm like fuck that. No, I'm like fuck that I'm like it doesn't matter. It's like there's always going to be someone funnier than me So I got I got to commit to I got I got a fucking family Like I got to commit to this shit or just get the fuck off stage. Don't do it

I used to shit my pants featuring for david tell Like just knowing that he was going to be watching you he was going to be watching me I'd be shitting my fucking pants on stage when I'd feature in Miami and weird places. Yeah so I would you know, like I would go nuts and a couple headliners would complain He never complained a lot of guys. No, he don't care. He don't give a fuck. They follow anything those guys He's a he's a beast that beast he'll fight. He don't he don't matter what he I'd never said he just he don't it

Doesn't matter what he follows. He's like I he don't even say I don't give a fuck He just you just know he don't give a fuck from like for third for like 25 years And that's what the audience wants to know No, but that's why they pay for and that's why they look because he's like he's you know a lot of comics They they even if they pretend like they're pretend edgy, but they're not edgy You know the audience knows that but if you're like legitimately like A little bit loose upstairs like it tells a little crazy, but that's but that's what they like I mean the jokes are great, but they also like that. He's that fucking thing like stanhope like he's like norton

Yeah, he's the fucking right norton fucking kills me. Yeah, he's the thing. He's a real thing They commit to that fucking joke. Yeah, what's a comic and you'll know when you start committing The laughter changes. Yeah, what can you explain? I I think I know what you're saying or I think I understand the basis of it But when you say commit, what do you do you mean like? Go go like further into the topic or what what do you say when you say commit? If you say something out of your mouth I don't want to hear the words. I want to hear you so So don't say like for a long time comedy became

You know If this doesn't play that for me I'm gonna kick the fetus of an aborted child and the audience some people laugh at that like They would take it down like it was kind of weird You're not making me laugh. You're gonna kick a fucking aborted child Commit to that fucking thing That's it's experience Lee. That's all it is Yeah, but it's experience and it's experiencing your writing

And what you're right. How can you write about kids if you don't have kids? You know, I know I see people I how can I fucking do is how can a cuban dude be the head writer of a jew show? If I if i'm not fucking just only happens in this country That they'll give fucking you the job to run blackish You know what i'm saying? Yeah, then they wonder why the show don't fucking work because it didn't feel authentic Yeah, it didn't feel authentic that that's why It's the same thing with your comedy Now I follow a lot of people now where they you know because now everybody wants they

They do jokes about kids or they either don't want kids or their their nephew And then I go right up and I go I got kids And I just do my kids jokes and they fucking kill but um because i'm basically saying like Don't listen to these fucking mother these pieces of shit that are just trying to like do the kids jokes They don't want kids But they want to they want credit for the kids jokes, you know, I'm like I got kids I want the fucking credit for the for the laugh, you know, I mean because it just to me it's just I don't know to me. It's like when I used to watch like ray raman or whatever. I would just be like

Having kids you get jokes out of it, you know, and then I would I don't know the point is that it's like I If something's not authentic, I'm like don't talk about it You know, I mean like don't I don't talk about being black my wife's Hispanic I talk about that but but if you don't have kids don't talk about it You know, that's and it won't work. Anyway, don't work anyway, you know Because they don't know what the fuck they're talking about You'll get them for a while, but you'll never get to that Top the confidence thing the confidence thing is is and commitment thing is confusing because like I can be

I can like have confidence and then not have confidence But it mostly it's like you got to keep your act fresh Is is what I would say to anybody like you got to keep it fresh whatever Whatever it takes to keep your act if it's like improvising on stage If it's like constantly coming up with new material, you got to challenge yourself When you really feel like not committed is when you're sick of your act, you know And then you just go up there and you just do it by road and you fucking you don't like it and the crowd Don't like it because they they sense that you don't like it

Even if it's authentic material even if it's material that you really believed in at one point But now yeah, it just it where it's like fucking clothes. They just they just wear they just wear thin and then you you just You want something new what you want something new to wear and then the fucked up thing is the crowd Even if they're drunk and stupid, they're still pretty smart because you're the only thing up there So they get what you're doing or not doing you know what I mean? So when you go up there if you're really fucking breathe the fire they get it even if they don't know you They get it but if but if you're not breathing fire Then they're like, uh, you know, it's just some guy, you know, I could tell now when you're a podcast person

Or when somebody brought you to a show Yeah, like I could tell by how they laugh right now they look at me Yeah, I could tell that they were brought to the show like You went to work and told your friend you got to come see this guy Yeah, and he never that's and they you went they and they laugh they come around or at the beginning They're just fucking staring at you. They just don't know That's a phenomenal feeling like when ace opened for rogan I opened for rogan for like seven years. Yeah, it was always a dice throw

Why when I bombed I bombed But he probably loved it when you bombed right right because it set him up even better better, but when I went off Then he I went off. Yeah, but there was always a 50 50 fucking shot Yeah, because I wasn't prepared, you know, I didn't really give a fuck 20 minutes I could do 20 minutes on my head. Yeah, and then when I got it I'm like, I'm sick and tired of doing 50 50. Shit. Right. Right. I gotta take these bitches to the hoop for 18 You know what I'm saying? Yeah, there's some about 18 minutes That you could sizzle a fucking room. You can buy the room on fire in 18 minutes

And I said that was my goal even at the comedy store My goal is to light that room on fire for 18 fucking minutes The best is when like that my my always favorite show when I start out was The night the night after I bombed because like when I bombed I would get so I was so disgusted Oh, I love it I was so disgusted till next set and I was like and then I would go up and I was so fucking pissed And I'd always have like a good show and I always thought like I wish I could bomb every night because the next night I always fucking have a great show

So so that's I still I still like that feeling where I just had a shit day and I go up on stage And I'm like I just want to fucking like I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck who laughs I don't give a fuck who's in the audience You know, I just want to I just want to like fucking tear it up You know, and I know it sound like you know, whatever I know it sounds like an idiot like I've been doing it this long But I still like that feeling of like leg let's grab the mic and let's fucking do this, you know So you go to the company somewhere a lot. Yeah

That's your home Yeah Yeah So and they you know the acts used to be stronger there, but they're not as strong as they used to be but A lot of people, you know, they when I it was like a z's and fucking Amy Schumer and there was a lot of fucking Louie They're all coming through and but now it's not it's not as uh, and I'd rather follow somebody really good, you know Then then just like just I don't know like I'd rather somebody who fucking challenges the room and challenges the The whole thing I just I don't like I'm like, you know, I'm like I like a guy who's like

I don't like anything that's like fucking cutesy. I don't I almost I don't I don't like any guys that appeal to women Like I don't like a guy who's like if if women like this guy a lot Like I I just I don't like that because I just think that's like he's doing something wrong Even though that's not even though that's not even a right mentality. That's that's my fucking That's what I like I like somebody where the women's like this guy's kind of a fucking asshole, you know, or this this is inappropriate But if a guy if a guy really has appeal for women, I'm not impressed. Anyway Is it hard to get people to shows like harder now because I've noticed because I do smaller shows in la and sometimes

it's Because they have the store they have all the three main clubs and then they have the ice house and flappers in new york There's tons of places to see comedy So is it like when you have all of those Amazing crowds is it harder to get people to show up to specific places The seller's always crowded the seller's probably like the comedy store, right? The comedy store is always crowded So the seller's always crowded the people have high expectations And then you know, so you kind of you kind of have to live up to them

Which is which is the frustrating thing is because you can't really fuck around too much because they want they want It's like the store. Yeah, they want they want you to deliver, you know, they came with high expectations They don't so that's why like I said like we're saying you got to challenge yourself to like I'm gonna do this new joke I don't give a fuck it might be inappropriate. It might bomb, but I'm gonna fucking do it, you know Because the number one the the worst thing you can do in any in any of the any of this show business thing is just Is to be afraid, you know, it's just the worst and that's why I don't like it out here because I'm always afraid I'm like who's gonna who's this guy? Like when I came in today, I didn't even I thought he might be I don't know who he is

You know, I mean I might fucking rub him the wrong way. Maybe he's a fucking big deal You know, I mean like I go to the commis ester coups like come to the comedy store. It's your anniversary I'm like, I don't want to fucking I want to I'll go up on stage But I want to fucking mingle because it's like because he I don't know who I'm talking to Uh, this guy was I was talking to a guy at the fucking he goes. Oh, I booked a this in New York He goes I booked the uh, I was just talking regular to him, you know And then he goes, oh, I met you in an aspen and I go, oh, I go You know, he turns out he's booking Jimmy Fallon

And all of a sudden it's like fucking change, you know, like I'm like, oh, yeah How's it go? He was there to see somebody and then I had to do my and I did I did my 10 minutes I knew I wasn't gonna get the show But I just I'm like, I know I'm not gonna get the show So I just fucking had a good time but out here I feel like Everybody's somebody the guy at the fucking the concierge at the fucking hotel somebody, you know, I mean, so it's it's I'm joking But I'm just saying like show business is like a little bit funky out here. You know, I mean

Because I don't know. I don't know who's who, you know It doesn't even matter like burr christ I did burr christ show today and the guy's a fucking he's a big deal I he almost made me nervous going to his fucking house. Why because he's a big deal He's a big deal. You're a big deal. You know, I mean, I gotta fucking I'm like, I'm out of here. I'm just talking to comics and it's like don't When I was talking to uh teams to team he goes go in there and fucking He goes go in there and kill it with fucking joey. I'm like, what I thought we're just gonna have a fucking podcast, you know

No, I keep it. No, so I'm just saying it's like I feel like, you know, I come out or there's a little There's a like two weeks. I just met the guy. Where'd you meet him? I met him at kumia I met he just was sitting in one day. He was came they've they've like a little they've like Spectator seats So he came in he was waiting to watch kumia show and he watched mine. They said go watch kevin He's funny. So then I was like I was he was the only guy there I was incorporating him into the show and uh Attorney and then he was calling us a bunch of faggots because we were doing all these dick jokes, you know

He goes you guys talk about the other other guy's dicks a lot. Were you a bunch of faggots? And I go, maybe we are faggots. I don't know Because you know guys talking about if if you're if you're a fucking truck driver, you know And a bunch of men are talking about guys dicks. Comics don't care. They're just joking around But he so I thought he was funny. He's like called us out and being for being fags, you know He was the getaway drive on the michaels julia. Yeah, he was telling me on the phone Fucking how I have no stories like that. Tell me the teams. I have no stories. No getaway stories. Where'd you go up? I just I grew up. I was catholic. We grew up big family

We couldn't get into trouble because my dad would have beat the shit out of us He beat the shit out of us even for like little things, you know, boys six boys four girls Jesus christ 10 kids Jesus christ god bless us. Did you imagine having 10 kids? Fuck Two kids and getting on stage. No, could you imagine 10 fucking kids? Oh my god. Now, I know why you guys are fucking savage. Just no wonder. I know we're all we never got enough You never get when you have 10 kids you you can't give your kids what they need What do you have? Not to not sound like a fucking sad song, but like it's I have two kids

I feel like I fucking jip one. What do you have the four brothers do? One's uh, they're all kind of nobody has like a real real job my one brother. He's works in that he works for titleists My other brother used to be a pizza delivery guy. I don't know. I don't know if I can get into that, but uh and then my other brother is uh He like is a he's he's in restaurant business, you know So neil follow me into this neil's the youngest out of 10. So that's why he's a little bit fucking spoiled But he uh, you know, he followed me into this stand-up and uh, he met a lot of people At boston comedy ever worked there in new york

Well, I first went to new york in 93. I did the open mic there and I ain't a bag of dogs Did you ever went back? Really? No, that was a rough room. I mean the audiences were the audiences weren't good This is a long fuck. This is like when dave chappell Robinhood met in titan. Yeah I was there. I was there. I might have been emceeing I might have been emceeing a long time ago. That was a rough room. It was like a sunday night of like 10 40 And it was like 11 o'clock and there had to be maybe 30 people

Well, that's a lot. They used to drag people in off the street. They would basically bring them. They just no cover I get anxiety just thinking about really I was I can't even imagine you've been through so much. I can't even imagine a fucking stage whatever You know what I mean? Like I was reading your wikipedia. You've been through a lot. You know what I mean? Like Going I mean Stand up. I don't know. I mean, it's it's it's uh, it's not You know, it's not for everybody, but You know, it's not like the scariest, you know, it's scary, but it's you know, I mean bombing sucks

But but you think you wouldn't be afraid like, you know, because You're upbringing and all the shit you've been through. Oh, please. That's part of the fucking No, but I'm saying you people wouldn't think you'd be a nervous to go up on stage, you know Even at the beginning even a boston comedy club, but that was a shithole. That was a shithole And I used to go to new york comedy club and die a slow death It was just a summer of death. I went on the summer of death to I lived in new york for nine months of bombing But I put it together And I went back to colorado and the open mic scene was fucking phenomenal at the time

Yeah, and it was way better than new york way better because they had regular audiences. Yeah, they were So you learned your lesson you appreciate colorado. Yeah, I went back to colorado I did like 18 months of straight fucking comedy like a savage. Yeah seven nights a week You know riding riding riding crying bombing. Yeah bombing going all the way out there to a rap home and bombing A mexican joint On thursday night, but it was still better than new york Oh, yeah, because no matter where you were during the week in new york It was like going to an audience of all comics. Yeah, and then on the weekends new york comedy club

You had to bring Six people to get six minutes. Yeah, so I would tell my friends listen They would call me and go can you get a scope and I go now you're gay And they go right where do you want us to meet you and I go at the comedy show So I would make them pay the ten dollars together. They're like, what the fuck is this? We just wanted to come It was just pay the ten dollars and like give them the fucking gram a blow two grams a blow And I'd fucking make them sit there. Whatever you had to do. Listen when I won a contest

I figured out that if The first time I won on skill Like it was like, uh, it was like a full fledged six month contest. Yeah becks Beer sponsored it. It was at the broker joker. That was the name of the club Yeah, it was the back room in the banquet hall Wednesday night the best buffet in town Pick up lounge the only buffet in town. Yeah, that's shrimp Wednesday night. I mean this place was crazy on wednesday night. It was kind of like I would go down there just to laugh

Yeah, just to see like old guys Fucking like rich filthy old guys like mind bottles of champagne for women Like it was just a joke in it It was just a joke, but they did comedy on tuesday nights. Yeah, and it was it was like 15 bucks. You got a steak Really? I see a comedian Fucking great. They would eat during what I was emceeing. Yeah, so I was the house emcee, but to become the emcee I had to win a contest The first time and you had to qualify

So the first time I went up I won on scale believe it or not I stayed up for like two weeks writing those fucking stupid jokes about godzilla God knows what else Then the second time I just brought all the people I worked with at an office So just those 13 people laughing made me win that category. Yeah, so I figured it out So when I went to the corner finals I had to go deep deep deep into the bank of death A couple people in those days. I used to sell value. Yeah, I was getting value from this fucking hillbilly and in long enough for best

The last time I got him was like 10,000 valium. I said, I'll be back on now. He didn't see me for like a year What happened to you, man? I was waiting for you I lost your address Before cell phones Uh, how do you even carry 10,000 valium? Do you have like 800 bottles? What do you talk? You have I had he would show up this crazy fuck Would show up, you know, like when you go to work with your kids to a gummy bear store. Yeah, you ripped a bag Yeah, yeah, yeah, he would have one of those bags double

With a seal and there were 10 milligram valium that the ala won a game to me for 50 cents And if I took him to new york, there were three fucking dollars So I just took him to new york with me. I had those things for months Out so people like those things. Okay. It's like those things. Yeah, so both coke and valium So I would tell people here's the deal. You want to buy coke? Yeah. All right. Come to the broker at eight o'clock Come on, man. I don't want to pay for comic show. What if I throw in a valium throw in two? All right, you got it So I'd make them sit out. So the night of the championship I had a hundred people there. Yeah, and I wouldn't give them the coke till after I go upstairs. You know what I'm saying?

Because they're not they leave. I need them there. Yeah, that's how I won. Cocads. Yeah, they're not gonna sit around Oh my god, I would torment them to death. I tell them. Yeah, it's in my pocket. I can't reach the camera Come on, man. Give me this shit. Fuck you Yeah, because I started in chicago and uh The open mics there were good because they were regular audiences then when I went to new york I was like, this is a why chicago. How does it because I my parents were they were living there at the time Okay, because we're chicago and philadelphia. My parents were from chicago. See what they would my dad lost my dad Switched jobs. So they were in chicago. So I moved out there. I dropped out of college

But anyway, so I was I was doing shows there and I was like, oh, I'm pretty good So then I moved to new york and I was like, holy shit I couldn't get a fucking laugh because I was I was performing for all comics, you know And they don't fucking laugh and then that's such a rough life And then you want to then you want to fucking kill yourself because you don't even know what to do You can't get you can't get your hands on a regular audience. You know, well, that's what like out here open mics out here Yeah, it's the same way. Oh, I was like, I really I was like, I really fucked up. I should have never left chicago I should have stayed but then if you stay somewhere too long you get comfortable

And then you never fucking leave and you end up marrying a fucking fat lady and then you know, whatever and then you Like I should have left I should have moved to new york or or uh LA or whatever, but that's whatever. I'm not against fat people by the way. I'm just saying I'm happy you came on You're a crazy motherfucker and you mean it and that's what I like about you 10 kids irish catholic You got all the makings to be a fucking psycho. You could have been standing people. So look you're you do Yeah, I kept it under control

My wife's a good wife. My wife's an hispanic, you know, so she uh, she she understands like, uh She doesn't mind my personality Uh defects, you know what I mean? Puerto Rican? No, she's panamanian. Yes, very crazy But she don't mind like I I'm always like I'm always like why the fuck does she like just not pack up and go she don't have any money But other than that, like why don't you just fucking pack up and go? Like I don't get it because I would if I I could I would leave myself I don't know. I don't know what you're gonna do. I mean she threatens to but it's like I I'm just amazed because I'm not

I'm not I think you know being from a big family fucks you up and I'm doing being show business fuck you up So I try to like, you know, I try to like be a good dad, but I'm not a good husband, you know But she she like tolerates it, you know, I don't fucking cheat on her nothing But like I should be more nurturing. You know, I don't take her she always wants me to take her out And I'm like I go out I go out to the clubs. I don't want to fucking on my day I don't want to fucking go out and sit there and fucking He'd go out to dinner and look at you. I want to be better one Since 2005 or some shit, but you women want to go out, don't they?

I like to go to comedy clubs, so Yeah, but she I don't but I don't want to take her to a club because that's my fucking job, you know So I always feel bad. I can't take her out But like I tried to and then I always fail, you know, I just don't want to go out I don't like going out Said it around in New York. You go to you you go out the eaters like there's like a fucking dude right next to you You don't get a you don't get any you don't get any space So it's annoying

You're mad. I mean, I don't I don't know. I have a date night. I try. Yeah And then where do you where you go out to a nice restaurant? Yeah, get a nice bottle of wine. No Nobody drinks here. No No You just do you just whatever you do what you do. Oh, shit Yeah, so I should do that. But hopefully there's a tv at the fucking ball. We're gonna watch the game So you keep talking about whatever, you know, yeah, because I another thing that's when you're married long and long enough There's really I mean, it's like you you don't you just run out of things to talk about, you know

And I I shouldn't have in podcasts And you know my wife will go how is the podcast and then I'll talk about that She'll go how was the show and I'll talk about that. So I'm like not a good husband Like I almost don't give a fuck about like I should give like she's like you never asked me about me I'm like, how's it going? But I don't even get I bet, you know, I have to do a tightscape, but I barely I barely like I'm trying. I'm trying to be a better husband. Have you considered counseling? No

No, we went to camp. No, I know but I don't know what they're gonna say What are they gonna say? They're gonna say just take her out. So take her out I know I'm gonna when we go back. But we've been going we've been going out to the fucking This is like a big vacation. We're out where you know, she's in the beach She's at the in the sun all day because she said she if she doesn't get sun, she gets depressed Yeah, she's in Panama. Yeah, she's Panama says she the winter was too long this this winter and so she's like so she She seemed happy today When I left she seemed like she was a little like

In a good mood. It's close to the water That's really what it is. Yeah, if she gets they're saying No, good Chinese food. It really I heard there's a I heard is crawling with Chinese people Chunks the panamine is they don't make their own food. They're not known for that, right? No, no, they have a market like a ceviche market that is fucking phenomenal. You went there as a comic or you went there just I never went there. I can't let me in the country. I got found these. He can't go into the country How do you know where they have good Chinese food because I know

That's true though because my best friend Is fuck don't make me call My best friend My brother is from fucking But it's true though because my wife says they they got so they got a lot of rich Chinese people there A lot of rich Asian people there. They buy all the condos and they they probably want a good fucking Chinese meal Yeah, I said I got tremendous Chinese from kevin brandon. We're done Can I get my twitter kevin? Yeah, give him whatever you got kevin brandon six six six

On the instant on the instagram and twitter facebook. I got six six six. What's the problem? No, I just I had children No, kevin. I know kevin brandon was taken. I'm like slow to all this because I was done when I was in 2008 I quit I basically quit 2007 2000 I was like i'm done but six six six was available Yeah, six six six was available kevin brandon and then uh, so I just took it as a joke and then uh, but now my podcast It's like i'm you know that people think it's like part of the whole Branding where i'm like i'm crazy. I talk a lot of crazy shit and Like I got into a lot of fights. I I respect for you. I'm not I was not I was not too combative. No, no

I'm too high. They even know I know so i'm not gonna get a fight with you. I don't want to interrupt the church No, no, we love you. So so you're in the area It'll be a pleasure kevin brandon six six six on instagram and twitter And uh, I would like to build up my twitter a little bit I I was when I first started doing the like opi and norton stuff My twitter was like a 500 now. It's like a 15 000. So it'd be nice to get up to 30 000 and sure and just like that Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, don't have to buy people don't have to buy fucking asian bots I'll do it. No, you got to fucking go on twitter and talk to your people and tell them i do

Tell them what's and then I get suspended when I get when I open up I get suspended Anyway, it's a pleasure. Thank you for having me. Thank you. Thanks shout out to shout out to ester coup and uh teams to timmy for helping uh Consolidate this uh, this happening. This is this arrangement. I love teams of timmy. He's a good. He's good people That he's solid his brother's fucking solid I grew up in that house Timmy h running seek caucus. Anyway, thank you, kevin Supply christ killer. Hopefully

Next week the bronchitis will be gone. I got prescriptions. Let's hope so. I got anti my alex I do i'm oxasillum. He doesn't want to fucking the generics though. Are you having a reaction today antibiotics? I'm having a reaction every get to reaction to cheeseburg It's because he's got like he's got a little blotchy on his head. I can't please you ain't say nothing That was whatever we we came in here two days ago. I'm sick as a dog. He gives me two different kinds of edibles He like the fact that I didn't take a bong here. I'm surprised he didn't throw the bong at my the edibles worked or no They do whatever they're supposed to do the edibles. They do they do work the cbd stopped them from coughing I offered them again. I don't think cbd stops you from coughing

He's a half a fag. He keeps hitting those discount cough drops CVS Yeah, they were I use them I go for the discount. You gotta go for the vix the full blast for the no that no They're too strong. Give me one of those things. They got my none. They're sugar pills No, they're not with the gooey center. How many fucking calories are these? I don't know how many count You don't look at calories for cough drops. You know, you just eat like 82 No, I mean, no, I don't eat it. You don't eat 82 fucking things of these I know you they rot your teeth. I go for the sugarless ones. I had to sound like a half a fag

But I could take sugarless cough drops CVS brand too And I and I like ranch dressing What are you gonna knock it off? And once a while eat some hummus No, that's I only I wait till the end of the show you tell you so you don't kick me out No, no, no, no, I I was wondering you don't bring it around me and I never see you doing it We're all right. See you doing it in public then I

You gotta you gotta take a stand taking a glove and just smacking me in the face. I'd rather you do that to eat the ranch dressing Also, like I said in the beginning If you a five a six of your fat fuck like uncle joey, you're looking for a gi foodiesport.com Slash church, like I said, whether it's the fucking purple one Whether it's the seiko whether it's a superado Or whether it's the element all those geese I got and they're fucking tremendous

I'm a big guy people tugging on me in the closed guard tugging on me tugging on me Nothing no rips. No nothing. I had a gi I got before from pro Some guy went to fucking pull me over and he ripped my fucking gi Fuji you could fucking pull that thing Solid and if you're a big guy, you feel comfortable go to fuji sports.com right now and press in church. Bam Get 10% off delivery to your mother fucking house. All right And that's it and that's that I love you guys I'll see you sunday tit top magoo

Ready to go next thursday. It's all that's left in columbus. So get your shit together Columbus funny bone. We'll be doing fucking by the bing the whole fucking thing We're doing everything next week And if we don't get healed then he can't come to columbus Because we're gonna give them two cushy bears a day For four 20 you're going to columbus tail. I did that. I think it depends enough. I'm doing better, but two cushy punch for breakfast What do what do they have for breakfast in columbus? Can I get something good? No two eggs? See that's that's a fucked up part. He'll take me somewhere

Give me all those animals And then he's like you got over the salad and no diet coke and no bread and you give me all those edibles And you try to make me eat good But then then at the end of the week order a milkshake and say I have to order a milkshake That's the one time we went we got high. I'm the fucking that's the only time I remember. I like that milkshake Yeah, because I have I'm a genius you would go to this fucking denny's and get shot You know what i'm saying this fucking time this place in the Lancashire. You got to be shaky over that

When people are missing an icy shit, man Anyway foodiesports.com Get 10% off again. I want to give kevin breton. Thank you The flying jew and you people for supporting us Stay black and my girl kitschy sitting there throwing heat as usual. Stay black. Have a great weekend. Love you Kick that mule Lee Oh I get this part of me

Oh Sand rains down in here, I said holding In the sand See I Look at me now Me Down in the hall

Feelings are small Down in the hall Losing my soul Oh Another way to fit Down in the hall and they put all the spells in that Is I will speak no more I'm not feeling

Down in the hall Feelings are small Down in the hall Losing my soul I got to fly I My wings are fencely Very me something

I want to be inside of you I give this part of me Sand rains down in here, I said I want to be inside of you Oh Down in the hall Feelings are small Down in the hall

Losing my soul Oh Down in the hall Feelings are small Down in the hall I control I like to fly My wings are fencely

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