Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #580 - George Perez

Episode Date: April 30, 2018

George Perez, Comedian seen on "Payaso Comedy Slam" and heard as the host of the, "George Perez Stories" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Hims - Go to ForHims.com/joey for a trial month of everything you need to keep your hair - for just $5 while supplies last.   
MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your order of first order with free shipping in the US and Canada.  Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 04/29/2018.

Greetings from Podcast Ville. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by Hymns. Listen, 66% of men lose their hair by the age of 35. Thing is, when you start to notice the hair loss, it's too late. So it's easy to keep the hairdo you got than to replace the hair you've lost. Now listen, Hymns connects you with real doctors

and medical grade solutions that treat hair loss. For Hymns.com, a one-stop shop for hair loss, skincare, sexual wellness for men, all right? Now do me a favor. Today, if you order now today, the church family gets a trial month of Hymns for just $5 while supplies last. See the website for full detail.

This would cost $100 if you went to a doctor or a pharmacy. Go to Hymns.com slash Joey. That's for Hymns, F-O-R-H-I-M-S.com slash Joey. All right, go there and take care of your little hair loss or whatever other problems you may have, all right? And this is the real deal, Hymns. Number two, listen, you heard me talk about me on these and you know, I'm a big believer in the product.

I think they're the best. They're comfortable, they keep you dry. They keep your nutsack and tip top McGuire. I'm 55, so nothing can do that. But anyway, listen to me. Me on these, you got 100% money back guarantee, 100% satisfaction guarantee. Me on these guarantee you'll love there on these

or your money back, all right? Now, me on these has a great offer for the church family. For the first time purchases, when you purchase me on these, you'll get 20% off and free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee. To get 20% off your first pair of free shipping and 100% money back satisfaction guarantee, go to me on these.com slash Joey.

Again, that's me on these.com slash Joey. Kick that fucking muley. It's Monday, April 30th, the last day of the month, cock suckers, let's do it. Everybody wants to fucking go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Wash that pussy out of those nuts. We're going in like fucking paratroopers.

It's fucking Monday, what else you want from me? Ain't nobody going to give it to you, cock suckers, let's do it. Oh shit. This is fucking Joey Bandolini here tonight. Forget about it. Step on that fucking music. For the way to whip the ponies dead. You know what I'm saying?

It's Monday. Oh fuck yeah. I hope everybody had a great weekend. Welcome to the church of what's happened now. The Christ killer in full effect. But my brother's here tonight to talk to you people about some shit, my main man. What I was fucking doing.

George Francis. George Francis. What's up my boy? You know. Oh fuck. Put the pieces together. I got a busy week fucking later. You've been busy dog.

Nah, you know what bro? I do it nice and slow and nobody gets their feelings hurt. I get to spend time with the family. Yeah. I get to put my efforts into the podcast. I take care of myself. Smart. But we were talking about something really interesting.

I know. I forgot too. I was talking about Roseanne Bar. Oh yeah, Roseanne. I don't know why she's getting shit now. I don't keep up on poor Roseanne now. Whatever the fuck the deal is. Her ratings are up there though.

Oh yeah. She's killing it. The biggest. I think it was ABC's biggest premiere in a decade or something like that. It was huge. There were like 18 million people or something like that. You know, it's fucking weird that we were talking about when she shot her special at the store.

Uh huh. Betsy Shaw told Larry Blake. And Noy Gonzalez. Noy. Not to talk to her. Yeah. And they talked to her and she told them to fuck off. You know, it's, you have no idea what Roseanne Bar was doing at that time.

What year was this? This has to be 97. When I got here in 97, Roseanne Bar was tearing these motherfuckers up. And if it wasn't Roseanne Bar, it was the other chick from the south. Remember, they caught her show with 90 episodes. I'm, I'm, it's in my head. I'm talking about the comedian chick. She never recovered from that.

She still does gigs a couple of years ago. I thought she was going to go on the road with Eliza Slashinger and some other chicks. But something happened. She's too far gone. Yeah. I gave her a show and she fucking left the planet too. Bro, that, that, the other side of the world, when you sell your soul like that, it gets dark. You start acting weird.

But Roseanne, like I saw a great interview years ago on Larry King. You know, you know, when you get home from the comedy gigs or your hotel room and whatever is on, is on, and you, and sometimes it's something interesting. And it was Roseanne. And I was sitting there going over the nights, like your, your jokes from the night where you fucked up, what joke didn't work. Like that shit. You had a bag of nachos, you know, you got a soda out.

You just relax and you're just unwinding. But she did a great interview where she spoke about, they asked her about the Cosby's. Oh. They said, well, specifically they asked her why she threw out the brass from ABC from a Christmas party. Well, who's the brass? Like all the top people, maybe see Roseanne wouldn't let them into her Christmas party. No way.

Fuck. Like she was that powerful. Like when she knocked Cosby down from Thursday night, that, that put Roseanne into a different. Yeah. It was another level. She got fucking crazy and that, but she was firing writers. When I got here, they were firing writers. There was always something going on there.

Well, well, the show was done by that time, but the attitude was huge. And over the years, she humbled. I mean, she's worth millions of dollars. Yeah. But like, but at the store, Joey was like, does she come in strong or does she get strong there? She came into the store blowing heat. Oh.

She was a character inside a character. The story goes that she was in the original room. Mitzi saw, made her do a set in the main room and the people from the tonight show were there and they told her you're on tomorrow or the day after. Oh, wow. Like that's how fast it moved for her. In those days, the tonight show was the Joe Rogan experience. Yeah.

You did the tonight show. You did well. You got work the next day. It was that fucking easy. Whether it's one time at 10, he was still on JRE bitch. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's a million downloads.

A million people know about you. What you do with that million downloads is up to you now. Yes. You attack those million people. Do you lay back and just, well, people are going to come see me. People are going to pay attention to me. So there wasn't that. Roseanne had those.

I mean, Roseanne was fucking huge, bro. But back to Larry King. She told Larry King that ABC came to her and they said, our dream is for you to knock off Cosby. So she fired all her riders and everybody and started from scratch. And she got two riders and she mixed them with two stand-up comedians, which is brilliant mix. And she let them battle it out of the room and she executive produced, you know, she

made the husband Tom Arnold. Yeah. She put him on the show. Oh yeah. She kicked Goodman off, huh? No, no. She had Goodman still on, but something, I don't know, that was her brother. I don't fucking know what happened.

Tom Arnold was smooth by doing smooth smooth. Tom Arnold played it like a fiddle and walked out of there with $15 million. He Kardashian. Yeah. He Kardashian. It's fucking amazing. He did. But Roseanne was huge, but the attitude was even bigger.

Like the attitude was big, bro. Like fucking walking on stages and shit. But she had so much dough, it didn't matter. And she had power, right? And she had power. How many women shows do you think have been out before Roseanne came out with that heat? I don't know. I just remember I love Lucy.

Yeah. Yeah. You can't fuck with that. I love Lucy and I remember Mary Tyler Mosher. I don't know about how big she came out, but I just know that I started in Denver and she came out of Denver. So as I was starting comedy, Roseanne was fucking killing taking off. So Denver became a hotbed for stand-up.

Everybody moved to Denver now. Oh. Denver had the recipe. Comedians think that way. I started in Denver. That's where I lived. I lived in Boulder, so I had to start in Denver. When I went down there, once I got into the scene little by little, you heard Rumblings,

the older comics all pissed off. She stole my joke. Yeah. I wrote for her. Yeah. Everybody wrote for her all of a sudden. All the ones I didn't make it. Yeah.

I got her. So half the camp in Denver loved her, but the other half of camp didn't fucking like her because she either stole their jokes or he wrote for her and she didn't pay him. There was always, and all that shit's just bullshit. How it trickles with everybody. Let me tell you something. As a comic, if Lee gave me five jokes a month, but I could run with, why would I get rid of them with Stiffen?

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I know exactly what you're saying. If I run white, hires five comics to write for it. So does Kevin Hart. Yeah. There's people on laptops.

I've seen his show. There's people on laptops. Hey, homie, stop. Stop. Do that again, dog. Yeah. That's some shit. That's how you make a living.

Yeah. A good comic knows he gets three other comics that he, like I like. HBO gives me 300,000. I'm pulling like Chris Rock. Oh, yeah. I'm taking three comics that I like. It's 50,000 a piece. Until I shoot the special, you're with me every night.

We're hanging out every night. Pick me up at 7.45 every night. We'll get an Uber to drive us around. Wow. The improv, the ha-ha. And you're writing. Lee's writing. And somebody else is writing.

Each get 50 grand. Damn. I'm down. So the first. That's Chris Rock style. Yeah. I can invent that. Chris Rock did that.

Oh, yeah? Chris Rock did that. That's Richard Jenny. Oh, wow. Think of that. That's why if you watch Chris Rock's early specials. Yeah. Fire.

He gave everybody 50 or 75 and said, 15, 15, 15, 15. Takes the pressure off me. Yeah. Plus motherfuckers do what you do. Do what you do. Web it how you want to web it. And they'd be outside the store talking. No, put it here.

That put it. Bro, they'd be right there. And they'd start at the improv. You do 20. Last factory guest by bumping motherfuckers do 20. And sometimes one of them will go up. Chris Rock would go up and Richard Jenny would go up after him and do this joke. Let me work it this way.

That's how bad ass they were. Wow. So I'm walking in there with George Perez and Lee. And not only are we walking in, we're all going up. And you're going to try the material you wrote for me. And you're going to try the joke you wrote for me. And then go, ooh, when I was on stage, I fucked it up, man. Yeah.

Do it this way and add Joey to it. Now put, fuck that. Boom. We got a joke. You're 75,000. You're 50,000 is worth weight and gold. Now the comic to have his ego lowered by doing that. Yeah.

You're not lower my ego to me. You're fucking telling me, Joey, I'm putting my life in your hands. Yeah. I'm going to take care. I'm going to go, what week do you need me? Get off the road. I'll be right there with you. There's a way to do this.

It's six, seven nights a week, three spots during the week. And on the weekend came it down, spent some time with your family. It's 15, 16 spots a week because half of them are going to bomb on purpose just to talk. Yeah. You just want to talk and get a line. Yeah. One of these guys got a tape recorder. Boom.

We got that line, dog. All right. Now use email to Lee. Email is at the fucking giant LaBamba. And by the morning, we got three fucking jokes from that. That's true. To try out. That's how you do it.

Yeah. Plus the camp stays fed. Like motherfuckers are happy because everybody's getting paid. Now nobody says, well, he wrote my joke. I wrote a joke. Nobody says that. No. 50 grand, bro.

Fuck that motherfucker. I'll babysit him for six weeks. Before, like as a fan, when we talked about this before, I was really not against it because like, but it's, if I always imagined if I was to stand up, I would never let any, like, I wouldn't want people to write for me. Like, I liked people who wrote for themselves, but like you said something like you've been giving me advice here and there. Like one thing you said is just your material is like how your world collides with that.

And like, so I, I don't, I don't even see it really as writing. It's like, cause it's, we were talking about specials and how like when people do a few specials, they kind of run out of material almost like you just, you're just writing for so long. So if someone else is just like kind of like lobbing it up for you. And then you like, like, Joey, if you were hiring us, if we gave you an idea, you'd probably change it a little bit. You'd adapt it to your point of view, but it's just,

No, no, no. But see the people that you're hiring, you can open mics with. Right. They know you for the last 15 years. Okay. They know how to write to you. They know how to write for you. It's not just anybody.

These guys are your friends. You started with them. You, you featured for me. Yeah. Remember that time, bro? We did that club for $16.82. Yeah. That's what it is.

Remember, remember what we did? Cohibas. I've had. I've had thousands of people. That I've known over the years. I go, bro, I wrote or something. It's not working, but I see your name on it. Oh, it's different.

It's different. Yeah. Some people do it from the heart. Some people do it on the way before they hang up. They go, bro, if you got any work, throw it my way. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. They hit you with a bad joke and shit.

You're like, so you call me with a bad joke. Now you want to work. Fuck. Your resume was weak. You know what I'm saying? But it's the truth. It really is the truth. But was Roseanne doing that?

Roseanne had. In Denver. I don't fucking know. I don't. I didn't check the facts. All I know is when I got. Scott on stage in Denver. Everything.

Everything. Every time you went to a room with six comics, they talked about two comics, Roseanne Bar and Sinbad. Why? What was Sinbad? Sinbad supposedly lived in Denver. And he did.

He did. A benefit one time. And a bunch of the Yoke and the Micros went to the benefit, you know, like to be open micros. And Sinbad said to these open micros, they said, Tim, bad, give us some advice. And Sinbad was like, listen, what I need you guys to do is to write clean comics.

Stay away from dirty comedy because you want to be universal and all this shit like this. So all those dudes became anti-dirty. So just like Rogan and Boston, when I started in Denver, everybody was probably too dirty. Like your shit's too dirty. Like it's too dirty.

Like that three, you said three fucks. Too dirty. Because everybody was trying to be fucking Sinbad. Yeah. It's so weird how the heroes from the area define you. You know what I'm saying? You have to figure out what they did, what was different.

Like when you read the Sam Kenneson book, it's a great read. Because it tells about Sam and Houston with Carl LeBow and Bill Hicks, which is everything. Carl LeBow and Bill Hicks, which is irreplaceable. That's what comedy is all about.

You getting to the top with your friends. You know, when your friends are there and you can go back and go broke. Remember Cost Latina on Tuesday nights? 40 bucks. Come on, the $40. What are you talking about? Because everybody thinks we just met.

We've been doing comedy for three years. Yeah. They don't understand that. I know you since old fucking two or something, 98, 99, whatever. You know me since old two. Oh, two. Oh, three.

We've met each other. We gained mutual respect for each other because we saw each other at all the fucking hell holes around LA where guys wouldn't step foot into those fucking things. No. Most people wouldn't step foot into those things. Me and hindsight, even back then,

I knew they would make me better. And they were paying the ass to do. They were paying the fucking ass to do because there's always a Laker game on or a Dodger game on. And now you're doing four spots. So if one of your spots is late, that's fucking your shit up.

Yeah. So once one of your spots is late, then we go for the money. Where's the money at? That's who gets my attention. That free one in Melrose. See you later, Bob. Because I'm not going to make it.

Good night. Yeah, but you're headlining. Come on. My father's here. He came from Maine. I don't give a fuck. Get somebody else with the improv. I'm going to pick up an envelope though.

Yeah. I used to give you a hundred bucks at El Patio. Yeah. That was big shit, too. Big shit. People don't like one of the things that really frazzled me before I moved to LA. And this is for anybody who's moving in general

for whatever occupation. Whenever I would speak to people, like if you're a dancer or you're a fucking archeologist or whatever, people would always shy you away. Like whenever I would mention LA, when I was a feature on Triple Runs or in shitty comedy rooms, the headliner was usually a failed LA comic.

Yes. We told you that you had to suck dick to be in LA. You got to be gay to get in LA or you're not going to get spots and you're not going to make any money. Yeah. It was the weirdest thing, Lee. How many people told me I was not going to make money?

I know what you're saying. And it was the opposite. Yeah. I so know what you're saying right now. You just have to make money. You have to know eight people who have a room and don't throw you 50 bucks here. Yeah.

And then you put something together and you put them on a line up and next thing you know, you're part of a network. Yeah. And you're part of people calling. You're going dog. What are you doing Tuesday night? I got a $50 gig for you at Barla, Cheche.

And then somebody else calls you and says, I got a $50 gig. What do I do? Hold on. Let me call you back. What time do you put me up at Barla, Cheche? Put you up at 9.15. What time is your show?

I'll put you up at 10.30. They're both lying to you. They're both lying to you. He's going to put you up at fucking. He's telling you 9.15 because he's putting you up at a quarter to 10 or 10. And he wants you there early. Because Joey's known to come late.

Yeah. Okay. And the other dude. And the other dude is really going to put you up at 11.15. But you already got a 12 at the store. And you ain't canceling that for nobody. No. Whether it's 15, unless I needed a package badly,

then I pushed the store back a little bit. Listen, I'll be there a little late. You know what I'm saying? Now, I remember when I first started comedy, Edwin San Juan had a lot of rooms in Felipe. And I was in a meeting with them because we were just like smoking weed. I think we went to Felipe's house when he used to live

on Temple in Boylston by that high school and shit where he lived. It was up a hill. And Felipe was like, hey, full check it out. Joey needs to pay rent this month, dog. So George, you got him on Wednesday. Casa Latina Tuesday. I got him a wild coyote.

The big homie. We got to have him on rent this month. And it was just how you said it. Just like you said, it was crazy. Yeah. Fucking crazy. How I'll never forget when I realized I was making money when I didn't have it no more.

Oh, yeah. Because from 2000, I got to say, from 2001, if I'm lying to you, I'm dying right here in front of you guys. From 2001 to 2006, I was making 400 a week as a comic during the week here. Damn. But that's actually not bad. You got to remember that then you guys started

booking improvs. And that up the ante for everybody. Yeah. Like once the improv started giving us Tuesdays and Wednesdays and some Thursdays, that changed the game. Yeah. That automatically put money in your pocket now constantly. Now, again, you're like, Joey, 300, 400, 300, 400 to do it

or two spots at night. What should you do in the store? Ain't that bad when you first get here? No. You make that shit work, Jack. I did a lot with 1600 a month in those days. You make that shit work, Jack. Wonder bread, romans.

You make that shit work, Jack. The Chinese lunch special of $5.95 with a free soda. Woo. Woo. Hummin'. Hummin'. No. You make it work.

But I never forget. In 2007, the economy fucking went out the window. I got cleaned up. And I got locked up. Yeah. I got cleaned off Coke and all those rooms went down the hill. Yeah. I was getting there with my dick in my hand going, bro.

Why am I so broke? It was because I was making three to 400 a week. Tuesday, no, Monday, true fucking Thursday or Friday. Doing little gigs for these guys. Even Satina paid you the small 40. Yeah. Even Satina paid you the small 40. On a sold out show.

On a sold out show. On a sold out show. Give you the small 40. You were picking up envelopes all night long. At the end of the night, you were looking at 160 in your pocket. You're not getting rich. That's four or five spots, right? Four spots.

Yeah. You got to figure with the comedy store, 15, 60 from George, 100 from Felipe, you know, to 175. But guess what? Thursday night, you're only making 65. You got to spot at the store and you got a $50 gig up at Universal. And you got to figure out how to pay for, how, you better hope he pays for your parking. Yeah.

Because it's not just a small 35. Yeah. Because you got to pay 15 for parking over at Universal. The small 35. Yeah. The small 35. And one time I was at this club called Wild Coyote and it's fucking gangster Lee. It's gangster club.

The women in there are packing. Jesus. And Felipe's hosting and he's like, yeah, Joey D's is closing the show tonight. Joey shows up. The show goes till 12. Joey shows up at 1030. I'm headlining at 1030, dawg. Yeah.

Because in those days, dawg, I had the addiction. Yeah. I was hooked on Coke. I needed this money. I got to get out of here. I was like, wow, I've been waiting all day to do a fucking line of coke. I'm headlining at 1030. Oh yeah.

I get that go up first and shit. Welcome. Bring up your headliner. And then Felipe goes, damn, after tonight, a lot of comments are going to say that Joey opened up for them. But you know what, man, those are some great fucking times, Joey, because like, hey, dawg, I'm not here to like to kiss your ass or shit, but I seen your whole evolvement. We all did.

I saw your evolvement. Yeah. No, but watching yours was crazy because like you were already power. But like I could see like there was just something wasn't letting you get in, dawg. Like you were at the strip club in the VIP room, but like Dick wasn't getting hard for some fucking reason. And then it was just, it was over. It was over.

Like I remember getting out of prison and you were just like, damn, George, I was going to fucking start selling cars because when I got out of prison, I was like, I need money. I opened up all these rooms again. And you told me me and Rizzle started to take you in. I just, I just seen this evolve and I was like, oh, shit. It was fucking weird. But I know what you mean. I see my involvement a little bit too.

I see it. No, I saw it the last time you were on stage or red man or something. I'm like, look at fucking George, man, trying. This is years. This is, you know, spots every night. And so as repetitive as the sounds, I don't think like Lee knows, leaves her at all. You think Lee could have done Casa Latina? Not the first two times, but after we got him drunk and he hooked up with a Mexican chick.

Bro, if the show opens at eight, he'd be there at eight oh three. If Alma was there. You ever spent three in a night? Lee would be there because it was a fucking open bar in the back like food. Rice, beans. And it was actually good. Not bad. And if you got there early, they would eat chips, salsa.

Plus there was tons of chubby Mexican chicks. Lee loves them. Is that spot still going on? Yeah. And dirty horse. Yeah. Dirty horse, dog with kids and husbands at home. Straight.

And they'll get dick in the parking lot. Straight up. And waitresses that were down. Down. Fuck. This is crazy. Lee, the stories. I could tell you, what about the room?

Who booked all? Who the fuck booked that room that we went on a Wednesday and the following Wednesday? Somebody got shot. That's my room. No. Martina ran off oceans. Oh yeah. The one off a telegraph.

Oceans. I remember that shit. When they shot the dude. The next week I go back. Why did they shoot him? Lee, it doesn't matter. The next day I go back. It matters a little bit.

It matters to him. Oh shit. It sounds like the DA over here. But the funny thing was the next day I went back. The next day I went back. DA or something? And they had flowers and candles right in front of the bar. Can you imagine doing comedy in a place where a guy just got shot the day before?

This is what we put up with that you don't see. Straight up. You don't know what it's like to walk past a Mexican candle fucking factory with flowers and toys. Little GI Joes. That's the whole heck of last week. And you walk in this bar of oceans. There was a little stage with like a fucking sparkle behind you.

Remember that sparkle behind you. It was like a 70s, 80s vibe in that picture. And they had a thing that said oceans. You were supposed to be on a boat. It looked like the bar that Pacino had. It looked like the bar Pacino had in Carlitos way. That's what it looked like, guys. I swear to God, they were trying to make this bar look like a fucking inside of a boat.

It was hilarious. But the night I walked in there and I saw the flowers on the side, I'm like, bro, my comedy career better do something because I'm doing comedy in a place where a guy got shot. And years earlier, people don't remember when Darren Carly drew a knife out of an ocean side. No way. Like some dude, one of those knife throwers was in the room.

Like a magician, my love. I like my girls. I like my knife. He took that flashlight out. And right into the wall, an ocean side. I'll tell you, next time you see him, tell him. I was with him Friday. Tell him, tell you about ocean side.

This had to be 2001, 2009. I wasn't even in yet. Yeah, and Darren was very sweet then. Yeah. Like Darren was drinking tea and shit. Oh yeah. He was a poor mother fucking through her life for having a dog. He was pale for four days.

Me too. I'm pale for him. Oh my God. Yeah, but he's ginger. I don't want me not to go to ocean side. Now ocean side is nice now. I mean, I don't know. I haven't been there in a while.

But Joey, you know, I've always wanted to ask you this, man. You're like a God in the old Latin world scene. And I remember like, I hit you up. I go, hey dog, I'm going to go do a show in Vicelia. You're like, dog, how much are they paying? I'm like 500. You're like, that needs to be a $1,500 check for us, dog. Like how like back in like, in the 90s, Latin comedy came out.

Get locals, right? We're talking about this. Yes. Dog, how was it? Because like when I got there, I heard everybody fuck. Like I had to go out of my way to fuck. Like, like how, how was it? What do you mean?

Like I heard the rooms were just jumping back then. They had a taco truck outside Margaritas. Like you guys were doing 1000 cedars. When I first came here, the Latin comedy movement was in full effect. In fact, I snuck in through the Latin comedy movement because all three clubs had a Latino night that time. Oh, all right. The store had a Latino night? Sunday nights from eight to 10 or something Monday nights.

And the improvs was big. Okay. The improvs was well produced. The dude who did it was a manager. Oh. He had a couple of comedians, like not big time comics, like people on TV. Okay. He had TV actors.

What the fuck am I saying, comedians? He had actors, but he was a Cuban dude. And he was a very sweet dude. He was married to a black chick that had like one of those diseases. And she was a fucking soul of God. That's awesome. And I came to this town and I fucking did his thing. And I think he was Cuban.

So that's why he was like, come back next week, but he goes, don't come to my stage without a suit on. What? Yeah. He was like, I need for you to put a suit on. That's some wack shit. And I thought about it. And I thought about it. And I thought about it like that.

And I was going to cancel. I go, who the fuck am I to cancel the spot at the improv? I went to Melrose and I bought a secondhand black suit. That's how broke I was. I just bought it. Fuck it. You gotta do it. You gotta do it.

And I committed to that suit. I bought the suit and a week later I got a call that I'm opening up. I'm doing a show at the Desert Inn. This is the Desert Inn was open. Where's the Desert Inn? Vegas. Exactly. It's gone.

They sold that shit. But the Desert Inn was one of the old school casinos that the mafia ran. But they were doing comedy now. And it was me, David Tell. Oh. And like Louis CK. See dog? 1500 bucks dog.

That was the biggest gig in my life. Fuck. You ready for this? I get there. Everybody canceled. I'm in Vegas and ready for a reed on Tim Allen. Oh. When Tim Allen forced Tim Allen.

Damn. I think the fuck is sitting in a room right now for nothing Vegas and Kevin Hart walks and goes dog I'm doing a gig with you but they don't even know it. Damn. The people in the audience didn't even know Tim Allen was there. So I went out first. I brought Vinny up and Vinny brought out Tim Allen. The place nearly erupted.

Fuck. That's how I became friends with Tim Allen. He was telling me that he's doing this. He doesn't want nobody to know his business. He doesn't want people to come to watch him That's so fucking smooth. He can go when I suck right now, but I just want to do stand up But nobody gets that Everybody I call says we wow I understand it now. He kills. They have to put your name on the

Gazebo, so he was doing spots over at the lab factory in the 98 97 But he would pop in he didn't want them to know when he was coming up because they would advertise him He got busted for cocaine, huh? Yeah before he's he's from Detroit. I don't know. Yes. Yes. Yes. That's crazy. Sorry go ahead No, no, no, no, yeah I just trip out because like if you if you look at the comics like a dog I'm finally not judging people like I used to judge people like if we're locked up on the street I was like, you know fuck this little dog. I don't like the way this will eats You know, I mean I used to judge people like that and I stopped judging people like that and in my head

I was going Joey D has been locked up Tim Allen been locked up your C's been locked up Toby Hicks been locked up How many comedians have been locked up There's not that many of us dog. Oh, well, I'm gonna tell you the truth. Okay, so I got into comedy in 91 For like a year. I just did comedy and then Something sparked me renting videos That was the shit. I went up to this video store had three floors in Boulder They were the biggest video in the store in the fucking state of Colorado or something and he upstairs was just comedy

There was a wall to just stand up comedy. Everybody was Wow And one of the tapes I brought home one night was Tim Allen on the show time all stars and dog I fucking laugh my ass That two days before he goes to the dentist. He don't brush his teeth. I Haven't heard that bit each Oreo. Sure is 1980 fucking Seven damn, but before he goes to dentist He would eat Oreos and pack sour cream in there so color would stick so when he'd open his mouth a bird would fly out of

Just some stupid shit, bro I thought it was amusing and I and I'll never forget that I did some reading up on them and I can't lie to anybody my heart Melted when I found out Tim Allen had done time and he was a rat He'll tell you he wrote away. He read it read it I can't kick it with a nice one. I tell you something. It was a mistake, but he didn't want to do time He really he had already started doing stand-up or something, but when I read that he Did time and got a deal from Disney

It made me a relief like it gave me a breathing room. I can't yeah, but they won't give it to us I mean who knows yeah, you right? But now I know it's okay. Listen before any network gives us anything They don't do a background check yeah before they invest in you. They're gonna do a background check What are they gonna find on that background check George? They're gonna find a lot of shit for me They don't want to ship for you, but as long as you don't stick your fingers in the kids asshole So drugs to the kid or you don't beat your wife. You can't judge you like that. Yeah, and I'm cool I got none of that. I'm cool. I'm cool with that shit. So what uh, what do you have to fear?

You made a mistake in 1987 you paid for it and you went on with your life That's what the story is that they look at my background check. Yeah, I had a couple coming kidnapped a bitch And he's showing up next this weekend in Tempe. Oh, yeah, Ken Vell is coming to the top of your problem Friday night You're getting your tweet cleared Right. That's that's what's up though. Listen, bro If you judge it, this is this is why I don't like this latest shit that somebody molested me in 89 Someone molested you. No, I'm saying that this latest shit. Listen to George molested me last night Let's call the police right now. Let's make sure that everything is all right

But for you to come out and say right now that I feel you on that comedy store in 2001 one night some chick Just come out of the blue You get a call from the motherfucking police going they coming over to the house George Perez Hey dog, and they knock on the door and they sit you down. They go listen Some fucking lady just came to the station for last three days and said that in 2002 You were at El Tortillas for Felipe as far as the Joey Diaz And you took her in the back and you forced her to have anal sex and right now what what's stopping? What's stopping anybody from doing? Yeah, that's the fucked up shit

So when you look at if you look if you do a background check on me, you're gonna find Kidnapping that have been pleaded down. I pled down. They wouldn't have fucking pled down They wouldn't have pled down with nonviolent. Okay, okay, right? They might bet I thought it was like no It was have grabbed them. No, it was heavy-duty, but at the end of the day, no the stories collaborate I feel you they wanted a conviction They're like the reason yeah, the reason why I kept in contact with the victim why I made a reach because at the end of the Day, it wasn't the victim who ratted me out. Oh, it was the biker. Oh, I feel you now I found that out a year later, but I knew that all along that

Bella didn't talk first Yeah, you know they went to Vella at the hospital later and said what happened He's like, I don't want to talk about it. Yeah, and then days later. They went to him and now they see with him What happened with him was he was on bail. I'm in shock. Listen to me. He was out on bail This dude I kidnapped was out on bail for having a DUI Going through a war with a car and when they took him to the hospital against it's up While he was at the hospital, he cut him the pharmacy and he robbed liquor cocaine

Fuck so they pressured him with that. I Got you now. You follow me. They said to him with a testifier against him. Yeah, you're done We got you on this in my hella whole held on at the end. He had to go to court Yeah, let's say what he did, but he just went to court and kept it light He didn't really say nothing and then I bumped into him. So this is I went I did my time in 88 I bumped into him in 83 at a bar in Boulder, Colorado. Yeah at a bar and I go, what's up? You didn't do this in Jersey this one, Colorado With my time. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. My bad. Yeah. I'm let's go ahead. I'm at the bar

And I bumped into him. I don't know. Can you give him a package and while he's weighing this shit in the hallway He's looking at me going. I can't believe you kid that He was all fucked up Fucked up afternoon He's like I can't trust anymore and all this shit he waited out and gave it to me and that was it, right? So I thought we were cool. So when all this social media popped up I thought about him and I reached out to him and Bro for like two or three years. He wouldn't go back and then finally one day is on the crack

And he's like fuck you you fat motherfucker. You kidnapped me you ruined my day, you know this shit Yeah, that's I hit him back and kept hitting them and finally he would loosen up a little bit finally go This is my number and he called finally So I got it off my chest, you know I'm saying I'm not if he goes to tell me I'm gonna bring him on the stage It's a tell the story. Hell hell. Tell the story. Come on. People what happened? Yeah? Yeah, straight up. I set you up Hell yeah, I set you up. So that's what I was thinking the whole time I was like well people don't understand imagine kidnapping somebody and he's like yo man. I'm cool He didn't hurt me. Yeah, like I was I was in the trunk like

You kidnapped this fool and he was on bail imagine being on bail you're like I'm freeing like some dude just grabs you Throws you in the fucking truck Like he was going through how I got everything I deserved and then some because I just took advantage of this poor fucking guy Like he was going through hell and when he came to me He was you know my roommate because his whole plot was he was robbing his roommate Yeah, so the dude who let him stay on this couch when he got in the jail and bailed him out That's what he was robbing like this guy's just crazy. Fuck This guy's crazy. Yeah, I'm like if I'm gonna if you're gonna rob him, then I'm gonna rob you

Why am I gonna give you the cash if you're gonna rob him? That's how I looked at yeah Yeah, it's bullying too as well as a yo dog. You're on my block. No, he wasn't getting bullied He was he's a big guy. He was okay. You had to pull out a pistol in these days these guys Shit You got to pull out a pistol. It's fucking crazy bro when I think about all that craziness. Yeah, I feel like a different life It's like I died and came back. Yeah, that and that was like a different fucking life ago 30 years ago All that craziness. Yeah, you know this last time I was locked up I talked to recent enemies because when you're in there your enemies are now your homies

There's no more set trip and it's like and there was this dude that I jumped like I didn't jump on this full walked up to my cousin Was like, I'm gonna fucking kill you bitch and he didn't know she she had five dudes outside So we went in there Joey. We were it was at 7-eleven. It was an orange off of Maine But right off of Maine in our la Vida after a Mary Jane Girls concert and These fools were from I won't say where they're from but they're from Santana and Dog we beat the shit out of these fools Like I threw that full by the slurpy machine stomped on shit

And and it was crazy cuz like back at this time Lee like gangster movies was in boys in the hood fucking colors American me bull of our nights bound by honor blood and blood out. I was like I wanted I Was like trying to reenact the scene I seen in there Are you allowed to go into 7-elevens anymore? Yeah, but there was no cameras back then. Oh, this is before that Thank goodness. We threw one of those motherfuckers through the window Lee. Oh What window the front window? Oh, Jesus. We were some like we were some crazy fools cuz I was from like a hood That was like we were all the guys that got cut from the varsity team just cuz we didn't give a fuck

But we still had game. We were still with it. You know I'm saying I didn't have game It was just it was in a different area, right? Yeah You know what I mean Joey dog You don't have to fucking break it down for me. I Sit here some nights. I just fucking wake up in the middle of night. I think or something dog This should trip me right now like I didn't know you kidnapped the motherfucking fool that was on bail That's crazy. He was out on bail

Dan yeah, that's a movie dog and the other guy was a biker fake biker. Yeah, that's a movie kidnapped him because He he was dating a stripper that was divorced trying to get divorced So he moved the stripper into his mother's house He moved out of the bedroom moved her into the bedroom and he slept on the couch The mother slept in the other master bedroom And I would go Tidwell, are you fucking her and he goes no no, she's a Catholic girl Meanwhile, she was a Titty dancer. She danced nude

You know, she's making thousands of night, but she was she was Catholic. She was fronting. So she told him I'll fuck you. You're my man, but you have to pay for my divorce. Oh You know how strip is work. Come on it with it that like I thought about the deal real quick, too She was beautiful. Yeah, she was a Spanish girl. It was beautiful He was big white and dumb and stupid. He fell for the hook And that all that's why he kidnapped this guy. He didn't even do it for him He did it because he needed that money to pay for a divorce so she could be with him. Yeah That's a you don't understand what what Joey just said right now. I hear this every day fucking daily

These bitches come up to me and give it to and it's crazy Lee because the only motherfuckers that can scam strippers are hardcore gang members This stripper was like a man my fool that I was with he got locked up. She's like I already sent him a thousand dollars, George I sent him two packages. I even sent packages to his homies that are in there And I was like you're getting fucking played home girl. I've been that dude, but she's like, but he fucks good. Hey Fuck Every day like this girl's like, yeah, man I'm gonna bone down full for three months and he said he's gonna buy me tits and an ass and what they do is that in TJ

The doctors and TJ Joey have stepped their fucking game up Like they came to San Diego and they got their degrees and said, you know what I'm still a fucking citizen of TJ I'm starting my shit over here They do what San Diego does in TJ. They do it for half And yeah, exactly And you got to put the deposit in she's like you put because she got her tits She she's taking the fat off her stomach and putting it in her ass. So it's like a better look

And then she's getting her tits all fixed up and shit and I think it's only costing her four and five thousand dollars That's all that's all so the guy smooth He gave her 1200 He's like I'll give he's he's gonna give her 1200 and increments of those three months That he's and he's like i'm gonna fuck when I want to fuck and that's it But the girl's like, okay. Yeah. Yeah, that deals in play But you still gotta be my customer. You still gotta come in this bitch tip me Give me my money because

I still have to work. I can't just fuck you when you want. You know what I'm saying? So this fool comes into work Pays the fucker at work that we watch on the camera as this bitch is getting fucked Did you give him a discount or nothing? No because They have to the club always gets to we have to know what you're making like Like say a half hour cost 300 bucks, the that's what it costs. Yeah We're taking you dog. So half So dude 300 bucks to fuck. Oh the fuck. Okay. I thought those are just

The lap dance everything Anything but that's still a lot. Jesus christ. Yeah, they'll piss on you. Lee. I don't want them Yeah, yeah, we gotta leave exactly the pack. How much do you have to give them to not piss on me? Yeah, let's get a whole package where they fuck you suck you know, they pee on you. I'll give you a brownie I don't want to know what that is. So so lee like the club has to get that 300 and they take a 50 out And they give you 250 back Because you're paying for that space you're using when you when you fuck at a strip club You're paying to be like, all right. This is gonna be done quick. There's no hotel. There's nothing

It's just me going in somewhere. I'm fucking and I'm out Okay, do you get the full 30 minutes or is it just like as soon as this is over we're done It matters how much that that's when the negotiation then girl goes. Well, look, I'll fuck you for 10 minutes in there But if you pay me more These fools don't get a cut of what I'm making now that you don't even have to tip none of that So like I heard I've been to clubs. I ain't gonna lie like I don't fuck but I go to see the competition Like to see what they're doing. I always go to industry and I'm like wow research Yeah, hey, these bitches are only charging 450 to fuck for half an hour and I'm talking 23 year old

The 28 year old only and they're beautiful and it's like It's the fucking og pimping brothel house to the finest because you know Cholos run it. It's all sharp and shit. They got candles. Everything's clean sharp drapes curtains How do you know Think about it. Are you walking somewhere? They got like old theater curtains on that shit people are fucking those are sound barrier curtains Fucking 55 years old. I know I would love to Take my dick out or like an apartment building and shit, but at the other hand, right?

It is so fucking disgusting. It is it really fucking is disgusting as as much As you want to sweeten up. Listen, everybody should try it one time Try one go to a strip club and oh Go show you with a chick and fuck her right there and oh, yeah And let us suck your dick in the boot. You got to do it at least one time in your life Yeah, I hear you man. Who gives a fuck Lee? Yeah, that's what it's 300 bucks is for her to never talk to you Again, you just give her the 300 to swallow your jizz to do whatever you want again You can live your life. You ever get a rash. It's on you. You took a chance. Columbus did who cares. That's it

They'll take an uppercut for for more bucks. It's how you feel after that It's how you feel when you get home and you're like, oh my god. Yeah, I just paid a check to suck my balls And she did it for 10 minutes. She jipped me but I came Because every time I get I'm saying yeah when you're come you're done You're done. You're done because your pants are all wet now. It's gonna be a half hour And you're done in two minutes. Yeah, you're done in a minute. So what happens like are you really saying we have to tip after that? Yeah, if you work the negotiation See, but you know what the best part of it dog is is that

How are you customers out there? This is how you win guys You could be like look This is not a whorehouse You guys told me the VIP is 300 bucks. There's 300 bucks Well, if I pay more now i'm paying for prostitution If I and that's what this one fool did to us over like damn. All right, dog Sorry hung girl like if

If you are uh, say you're the bouncer and you go get that money you're now the pimp because you're negotiating this deal That's where they get you the club can only be like hey that it says 300 on the board. Sorry, you know like But then if the bouncer gets the money, that's where you you get the extra tip It's pretty crazy though because like some girls a lot of girls they'll con you they'll be like They'll be like, hey, yeah, we'll have sex and they'll take you back there and they'll be like Oh, you don't have a condom. You're like what the fuck bitch like I thought it came with the deal And they'll come back and be like, hey, she tried to be 500 and she didn't give me no sex and I was like If you didn't fuck home girl, you got to get that money back

Because these are paying customers. We want them to come back too, you know like it's weird joey like The girls will try to get them and that customer will get that 200 back And be like you fucked up. It's now i'm gonna go get your friend and spend a thousand on her Because these fools are in there to show off. It's weird Some weird shit. They serve food at your place. Handle. They serve pussy You can't serve food and pussy in the same place. Really? Handle. That's like health code Yeah, I'm sure I'm sure the health department really. No, no

There's been like that when you first go to cleveland in broad the first time you work in cleveland as a feature act When you walk in the door, you walk back there. They give you the keys to the condom And then on the way out the door guy that answered the phone was hey man here And he'll give you 10 passes for free lunch and there was a strip club 100 yards in the condom under the fucking bridge By the water and you would go in there at lunchtime and they had prime rib So you went in there you got lap dance for the small 20 You got a hard on you felt the titties on the slide and you ate some fucking horrible prime rib. It was just discussed in this place

And however the meat looked on monday. It looked the same on tuesday. They just put it like in a cloud And chopped it up. It was hard as fuck When I went the first day there was a chef by friday. Just had a strip of cutting me and shit with no hat on It was fucking crazy. It's pretty like it. So yeah, you know, I've been to strip clubs where they had food in there No, but naked full naked I don't think they do full naked. They do topless Because there's a there's one and uh, there's one called the library joey Ooh, we hey this club is so good

It used to be owned by hustler And they bought them out They got this method these motherfuckers serve sushi In the strip club on top of naked women that place Now like they do it. They got a sushi chef back there. Like this is a business spot There's like 50 girls there on a tuesday and they get like three dollar anything like It's more couples there than anything fools of money. Just trying to get bitches horny It cracks. It's classy

Well, it's a little If you got the right right in there, it's like you're paying 700 up Oh, because yeah for what for half an hour. Yeah right upstairs Yeah, you got a sucky sucky room up there. They got a sucky sucky. Fucky. Duh everyone does Everyone does the the price is always a man. Those are the players you give the bouncer a hundred bucks He'd be like, hey, dog. You want me to park your car? Like, you know what I mean? It's motherfuckers are trying to get their money on Wait, what if you give it the bouncer like 20 bucks? Would he give you an extra 10 minutes or something?

I went a few weeks ago to a strip club for like 30 minutes And I get through creepy gb's I really do man. I really want to be that guy People like people don't go to strip clubs in the valley at all Like up in the valley. It's like fucking too russian, dude And a creepy mexican dude. That's horned up. I don't fucking kid in the ass. Don't fuck anybody Oh my god, he just goes and then they search you at the strip club. It's like Jesus christ Yeah, I don't want to be nowhere where I get fucking searched. All right

You know, I'm over all that shit guys I feel now this I went to one this last thursday was psych dick eighties birthday And we went to the house of eating And this one's different man because this one's more of a dominant black girl club It's like it's known to have hot ass black chicks and everything else, but the black chicks there like They run that shit and uh We went hard dog If it's weird though because

I don't know how to say this This one chick was like, hey, man, like after like she would try to tell me she trains and shit She's like, hey, I I try to be a marine and I was like, what the fuck? You know how strippers try to spill game And then she's like, hey, look the lapdats is here only costs 20 bucks No 10 bucks. She's like if you get three of them, I'll let you punch me in the stomach 40% afterwards I'm not lying. My son was there. I'm not my son tripped out on me. I was like, you swear to god I could punch you at 40% She was like, yeah, and I was like, all right

Where's Tony better that? Oh my thank god Hey, I'll take you dog. You can meet her. I don't want to be nobody. So Put the christianity back in the room and you should punch your women in the stomach Next thing you know, I'm gonna rehab with Harvey Weinstein. There's some reactions To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart Well, the peace We gotta go deep tonight

Sunday night Who's better than you? Somebody who Will swear to be true Let me get some shout out here real quick my main man Adam Milan who sent us some fucking flutes made out of wood. They're beautiful when I go to the jungle Larry Ziggler

Kevin Arnold mr. Yeah Sparky mega reese Anthony Eiffelies freddy da daal Sherry robeck Dante gazini John Jay Ramirez. Don't forget

Thursday night tempi coming in big Thousand milligram brownies and shit Right off the fucking airplane like a like a fucking airborne ranger. You understand me And then the third week of may I'm in fucking the stress factory jersey. I'm coming home two days Don't fuck around all right, so Let me ask you something. When did you shoot taco shot? I think we shot it in

2010 no 2011 can you believe it takes fucking six years? Yeah, we off the ground like after you shoot it Yeah, like hey, I was pissed like I remember talking shit. I remember we all get pissed. Yeah, you all get pissed because they kept telling us Hey, it's good to make it and I was like come on guys with five years I was like you guys gonna change it into taco flop like what the fuck dog like and uh finally Oscar Torino the guy who wrote the movie

He was like look we're having a fucking we're having a viewing they got a fancy hotel in LA And they had corrupt and dads from the dog pound there like we got new investors They had run our tests from the Lakers there So these new investors took over and it was like okay now it's moving you know and uh It got picked up. It's gonna be in select theaters It's gonna be on video on demand

And in target So we'll see what's up with it. It's funny how sometimes you shoot a movie Like I had Rambo. There was a problem with this shot Rambo seriously the first one For real? Yeah, there was a problem like they shot it and then they released it and they re-released it because it didn't have any heat They re-released it after Rocky Uh, that was a wrap like it's it's yes exactly how you said about that. It's really weird how films work how I did this movie years ago. They changed my life But I'm still a little pissed off at the dudes because

While we were shooting we were gonna be on Broadway. We were gonna do this. We're gonna do that And then the movie came out and called everybody like dog. Do you know anybody in youtube? Do you know anybody? You're like wow We worked for three weeks around this movie no days off three weeks fucking straining this movie right through Thanksgiving I'm not mad about the work. I had a good time making it But it's the shit that goes afterward for a while there bro after the longest shot. I was doing fucking I did like three years of death I did movies that were fucking god-awful but I didn't fuck straight to walmart

Bro straight to fucking walmart. I didn't fucking know you know when you shoot it Yeah, you know they pay you and you take the money and then They call you up when they tell you they're having a premiere on Sunset Boulevard at five o'clock on the friday afternoon You're like what the fuck is that shit I got shit to do. I'm not driving this sunset friday at a fucking five o'clock in the afternoon I mean I did a bunch of those for a while You know you when you hear you you don't know what you're shooting You don't know what you're fucking shooting. I I knew what I was shooting when I was shooting spider-man 2

I knew when I was shooting the longest yard and grudge match and shit But there's movies that you shoot. You know like yeah, I don't know what's gonna happen here Yeah, I got two of those under my belt. You pray for the best you know what's gonna happen One of them I'm glad didn't fucking make it these motherfuckers flew me out to kansas. It was Hutchinson joey Cholo like me. It was I was in shock. I thought they're gonna kill me because like these were like crazy white boys like hey These were 35 year old men That had on a spongebob t-shirts at the fucking bar dog

You know the spongebob they had those t-shirts and shit and uh Yeah Kansas Hey, what were we saying right now? Sorry. I fucking don't worry about the edible jumped out. You relax. Don't worry about nothing We got this. Oh, yeah, I was talking about the part so They had me play a fucking rapist like that I guess there's a story in kansas where there is this um

There was this rich ass guy that restored Anything antique and he hired these two a cholo and a white boy They just got out of prison because they took wood shopping all that shit in prison and they could repair anything and I guess Me my character and the white boy we would rape the people that came back in when they paid And it was weird because it was the director's girlfriend Was the lead chick and he was like hey homie. You're not even raping her dog

I was like, what the fuck is I want you to grab her and throw her and I was like I can't be doing that shit dog I was on parole I needed the money. That's the only reason I did it And uh, that's what we do most of the dumb shit we do in the beginning is for fucking money You know, I'm glad that motherfucker never made it. Oh my god. If I tell you how many bad things I did for money In december especially because in december you crumble. Yeah. Oh, yeah Those type of deals show up in december in december is do what you don't want to do month

If you don't want to do it like some people bro one young guy hit in the face with a pot No way, but it's 1500 The two hours cash in an envelope nobody do nothing. How many pies is like four I still see the guy every six months. Man, we're gonna release it. So Yeah, I got a bug it was in this the guy who wrote the movie was supposed to be a writer on sign film This is when sign fell first fucking ended They called me in for this fucking secret to project and The meat meat handy whatever he's a writer on sign film the guy was smoking a cigarette

Like he was fucking chowkowski or britowski, whatever that guy's name is and they auditioned me and then later on they called back And they're like, well, we want you to get hit in the face with a pie Uh, I got me their pizza pie. I forget what the fuck pie it was I said warm and I was like, you don't break my nose. No Shit, but when I got there, they made me wear like a diaper. Oh my god Why they throw because they throw by the way in there like they usually do they forgot to tell me that you're gonna wear a Dye before I got there something weird, bro This was weird shit. I put studio city

at eight They gave me one of those envelopes one of those fucking cash envelope I got another call one time from a friend of mine. I know well because you want to make a thousand bucks I'm like, absolutely. He goes come to this address or something. He did porn Joey. Did you do porn? No They put like it was a video game or some type of game I left this fat chick the flowers all over me something like that. Wow, you know Yeah, a thousand bucks and you gotta check like that the next day you get the overnight check to the fucking house You're crazy, bro. And they ripped me off

You know, they rip you off. They give you a thousand. It's because they're getting 10,000 They rip you off straight up, but you need the cash. Yeah, but you need the cash What about the one year bro? I was dying on a vine. I got the call on a sunday afternoon If the fucking two thousand bucks First they offered me a nickel And I go, where is it? And they were like it's in bone. I go, no, I'm not driving there for a nickel for that shit Yeah, I'm embarrassed to tell you what it is So they called back and I said, listen, give me a fucking small two thousand

Because I'm the real deal. I've been in movies and shit. Yeah, she goes. Okay, two thousand dollars And I drove to orange county and had a walk in with a suit and they believe I was big pussy That's how much I love cocaine that like it was like yeah, I was in cash. That's a good week But I did a bunch of shit. I remember one year George specifically. Oh my god I just looked up with terry I looked up with terry that july And about that November we moved in together

And I'm living with terry and you know me dog. I don't give a fuck of you broke 11 months a year Christmas time You always want to be straight when I was broke when I was flat broke on the streets doing comedy in the beginning All I wished was one thing to have a decent Christmas Can we at least have a decent holiday season 11 days give me 11 days of the year God I'll fight like a fucking savage the rest of the year But make sure that I'm covered because there was a lot of Christmases that

Bro 84 83 85 they were brutal hurt. There was one Christmas that destroyed me 84 I acted like an asshole. I ate in the hotel room by myself. Damn, you know that type of shit. So But that's all I ever asked for was those 11 days of the year to be straight. Give me a little coke You know I'm saying a little coke on the 26th to get the party started till new years And the new year's day you lie to yourself and you start all over again One fucking year, bro. I'm dead, bro I'm doing stand up. I'm being by my mom, but I'm snorting up a fucking storm. It's 2000 2001

I'm out there four nights a week snorting seven nights a week doing comedy writing How old are you at this time? Oh Jesus Christ 38 39 damn 39 just going out there for fun. I know I seen your old headshot. It was the old headshot day You look like you would fuck some shit up dog That was that was 34. Yeah, bro That headshot. This is how that headshot went down. Yeah

I became a regular at the store on a sunday and that monday I went to the store and they grew from bump me So they told me to come back on tuesday and the old days Jeff didn't work on tuesdays A piano game. Yeah, so a spanish guy worked there that had like a half a fact mustache I rolled up and shit But he would always come up to you always wore like hats. He was colorful You know what I'm saying? I don't know if he was in the closet if he wasn't but you want me to tell you something, bro He was a good-ass chicano

I said we were talking one day and he goes what's on your mind? You know like he's a piano player, you know, they walk out of the store and they go on the bottom This is my second day in LA Lee remember, what was the lesson two weeks ago if you commit the universe takes care of you? Well, I'm here. I become a regular that monday Before the comedy story I got a call from my so-called manager and an agent wanted to sign me If I had a headshot, I'm like what the fuck is a headshot? What are you talking about? Yeah, they need a headshot immediately

If you go out on theatrical auditions, they're great agents that night the comedy store I was telling this guy that he goes all right. Do me a favor Where do you live? I go hollywood. It was perfect. I live in hollywood. I still remember where the place was it was down the It was down the block from this disgusting restaurant that's still there It used to be you ever see the movie american pimp No, american pimp was a huge brothers film or something. I don't don't quote me. I might have I might have There used to be a famous hamburger stand on sunset where there used to be hookers And but that place down the block from that. What the fuck we talking about?

I don't think you know it There's 2001 and there's like a hooker out there Jesus christ It was your second day in LA. Yeah, your second day and I met him over there for the headshots and dog that dude goes come by my house 11 10 and he took headshots they developed in that night and I went over to the corner of labrayer and I made 10 copies That was that bro. How much was that like five bucks in those days? It was like three dollars a copy Damn, I don't remember that dude. I said, what can I do for you? You know, just be my friend

And he did my headshots those headshots there Those days agents were saying, you know We're rejecting those you have to have either these three had people take your photograph And then we'd fall under the piece and I was like, fuck you a headshot to headshot, bitch Even then I knew you're not sucking me into those photographers Fuck you. It was like a union, huh? Like it was. Yeah, it was really clickish as shit No, you have to have headshots from one of these five people And they would give you a sheet of paper and that's what you had to do your head shots with if not they wouldn't take you

But these two sisters took me and they got me auditioned and me and whatever they got me started But the point of the story is that this dude just approached me. He didn't want to suck my dick He wanted nothing from me, bro. He was just straight up gang suspicious doing he goes I'll take your picture tomorrow in my backyard That's what's up. He did it for like and there was an hour out of his time and he made my fucking day I never forgot that headshot that Joe Rogan posted. Uh-huh. That's that headshot. Wow. That's my first There's only 10 copies of a headshot So it's like limited edition. Yeah, you see that headshot steal it because nobody's got the headshot

They're gonna they're gonna have that headshot after that. I got headshots with a different photographer But I had that I I still had like five of those the six of those Because in those days, you gotta take your resume and staple it behind the headshot Okay, so you got to make copies of your resume And then cut it to the size of the exact size of the headshot and couldn't leak over the sides It had to be perfect So you got to do that staple the corners and then you had to bring it to the agents every two or three weeks to refuel You know, it was crazy. It was a complete different world, but I was on top of that shit

My agents never called me and said we need headshots. That's the worst neck I happened to you in those days As soon as your agent would call and say you need that shot now. You don't even find me the headshot All those headshot places are out of fucking business straight up gone No, it's a it's a different world and it's good that this movie came out You got a little light shed on your taco shop. You're gonna have one for me in the morning at the comedy store Yeah, do the show if I get out of guest book. I'm sorry. I'm shooting tomorrow in Don't worry about it. Yeah, we're gonna show the movie first. So, you know, how many people want to start? It's gonna start at 8 30

We're gonna show the movie the movies an hour and five minutes and then after that we're gonna do like 45 Hour comedy. Okay, and then, you know, it's monday the comedy stores are better. They got killed tony You know what I mean? They got killed tony and they got potluck as well It's gonna be a packed night tomorrow Good for you, George. You're always hustling bro. Try fresh on the jail. No, let's see George you let hold you what you let hold you How many people you meet bro, but then the first two minutes of telling you they were in prison You meet those guys

First off, they tell you know, you don't even need for them to tell you. Yeah, they were like a bad job Yeah In my world, it was a bump in the road and you get back on the road Straight up. That's all that is if you're really that person when they say they are it's gonna be a bumpy fucking road You know what I'm saying? It's gonna be a bumpy road But if you're not that person they say they are you can prove them wrong Straight up and guys like you and me didn't we proved a few people wrong That's it. I take pride in that before anything

You know, oh, they're never gonna make it to felons. Whatever. It doesn't matter. What when they put on you If you wear it as a badge honor, you're fucking dead if you just go that was something that happened 30 years ago Fuck you, you know, yeah, fuck you. I paid my debt. Sorry. I paid my taxes. I did everything I paid my back taxes. I did everything bro. It's over. You're right Hey, you remember that quarterback from the Chargers Ryan leaf. He was like the biggest flop Man yesterday. I stayed up for a little bit. It was like four in the morning and I Did you know he got locked up? He did three years. Yeah, you know, I looked up a couple times Yeah, but like now he's like a fucking big time rehab counselor now

And it's crazy Like fuck All off oxy cotton It was just fucking crazy Talk we live in a weird zone in life I thought listen, you're at the commie store. You're at the commie store. That's Yankee stadium Yeah, straight up. Okay That's Yankee fucking stadium. That's that's that's uh

The old boston. What's the middle of the family? That's Fenway. You're in the major leagues. That's dodger state That's chavas ravine. That's that's everything. You're in the major leagues And you know, we started the podcast off of a rosand We weren't When we're talking about rosand rosand got so powerful By the time I got here, you know, I had heard thousands stories She was just like vicious, huh? Bro. They said she'd never work again

She pissed everybody off that much but all those people got and guess what? She's still around. She became relevant on social media You know, oh, yeah How many followers she's got she gained all kinds of motherfuckers all kinds of people and she got all the fox news emails As she gave she went right in the slick way. She went right into the back door The fact that they're paying her again 20 years later, bro You got to take your hat off to her. Whatever. Oh, yeah, she says on twitter or whatever. Who gives a fuck? You ever think of these people maybe ruffling your feathers

What does she have to lose if this show fails nothing? It's not she goes back to her own hawaii And she still has 20 million dollars left and 50,000 farms that grow mangoes or something coconut fucking something You know, people have to realize that shit that sometimes People just getting you riled up for no fucking reason and at the end of the day, they shit at the end of the day You know what they're just trying to get numbers on a fucking tv screen and you buy into it Whether it's rosand or connor mcgregor or whatever the fuck fucking Kanye west Kanye west whatever move they make This is five white dudes in a room going. What's our next move? What's the strategic move? You know what i'm saying? This is what they expect from you. They're throwing a jab at you

What do you expect from george? Is george gonna counter it with a kick to the body? Or is george gonna counter it by taking me down, you know, these are the options you weigh so Who the fuck knows Me and my my business you you mind your business you do your spots you go home You see your kids and you try to enjoy the second chance life gave you and that's it This this is this fucking easy I want to be in fucking. I don't I don't bro. I don't give a fuck. I rather come here two nights a week Fuck around with lee smoke some dope talk shit with a friend and go home and be on the fucking studio all day

Oh, fuck for that. Yeah No, no, no you learn what you want to do you learn How you want to do it especially out here This could go fast or this could go easy meaning you've been around for a long fucking time You've been around a long ass time. Fuck. Yeah, bro 20 years watching Watching one of the most interesting lines in any movie is apocalypse now When he takes the acid trip And he's not sticking to himself and he's like, you know what charlie's in the bush getting strong

And i'm in here getting weaker by the minute We've been in the bush You know in the bush watching watching everybody else fucking Get famous. You know, we were here. I saw gabriel hit Yeah, am I mad again? No, no, no. I'm not saying nothing like that. I'm just saying you see The way people hit you see the people who stayed on top Who are still on the road? I saw the people that breathed through everybody bro They were on the road for 18 months

And that's it They bombed out their little tv show them paying out for them. Yeah, that's why we were just talking about this at lunch today I saw a little door kid from the comedy store in diagostino at mariette And we were talking about how you see so many headlines that come and go You see the people who do stand up until they get a tv show Then they drop out of stand-up Then they try to come back six years later, dog And they ain't the same size. No because you got up stage. You stop that muscle

That's no bueno. No way no matter if you're on tv or not You got to get on stage four times a fucking week and you'll figure it out if you really love stand-up You'll figure it out. You'll figure out how to get out there one night a week or two nights So we the fact that helps you it helps you with people watching now you're out Especially today if you go to the comedy store, you're like a fucking rock star now at the comedy store A lot of actors go there not to judge at the time is always fucking there Yeah, no, no, no, it's a different fucking place a different fucking home Well, george, I wish you a lot of luck with this movie. You know, I always got your back dog. I'm happy you came on tonight

Me too. It was gonna be a ho-ho. I'm not a go fucking. Let's get george pares to promote this fucking thing Thank you. Like I said, if I get out of guest book tomorrow early, I will take a shower start today Yeah, start to 8 30 comedy star main room tomorrow. Look at you. You bad motherfucker Doing spots at the world famous as shit. That's how we do it best club Like I said, thursday friday saturday tempi, arizona Then the end of the month stress factory prominence is already sold out. You know, I love you fucking sad As usual, uh, we'll see you wednesday. Lisa. Yeah, what's going on with you thursday? I'm doing good, buddy. Yeah, you look good

Tremendous. Thank you. What'd your mother say? Tell me it's not Yeah, she was not happy. Anyway, who gives a friendsman fuck. I love you george pares I love you too, brother. Good luck tomorrow night at the comedy store. I'll see you savages thursday in the tempi improv Lee kick that fucking mule. Oh, shit That's right. I almost forgot how the fuck That's how stoned I am. I almost forgot to read the ads. You know what I'm saying? That's what you know You're stoned to the ground. He's fucking good that brownie creeped up. I tell you it was the horse with the red He was all the way in the end for the whole race and he just blew right past us

Listen, you heard me talk about me on these and you know that i'm a big believer in their product The perfect bounce and a comfortable fit every month now They have new and exciting prints and they arrive at your door in a little fun bag I got a fun bag myself the other day. You never know. What's in that? Listen me on these lensing micro mold all in their underwear. All right. It's a substantially Source natural saw fibers that starts with beechwood trees and ends with the most amazing fabric You've ever experienced the results have been downright dreamy me on these adventurous prints and designs are all limited edition

And new patterns are released every few weeks on a rolling basis. It's unbelievable Every like three weeks. I got a new pair of fucking underwear and they send a matching one for my fucking girlfriend She don't worry my wife girlfriend. What the fuck am I talking about? That's how I am Me on these has 100 satisfaction guarantee. All right Me on these guarantees that you'll love their on these or your money back Now i'm telling you what i'm gonna do me on these has a great offer for the family here for any first time purchases When you purchase any me on these you get 20 off and free shipping

Me on these is so sure you're gonna love their underwear. They offer you 100 satisfaction guarantee If you don't love the first pair, you get a full refund. It's that fucking easier, right? It's a no-brainer Get 20 off pair of the most comfortable on these you'll ever Put on they grip on to your nutsack They make your ass feel tight and there's no sweat sack when you go like those wipes underwear. No, no, no It's over 2018 get your shit together now to get you 20 off your first pair. This is gonna do And free shipping and 100 guarantee. You got to do this. All right. Go to me on these dot com slash joey Me on these dot com slash joey. Listen get your pair. I'm me on these

You're gonna tweet me and say joey. I'm happy. I get me on these now. You're a fucking savage. All right number two. Listen to me Listen to me straight 66% of men lose their hair by the age of 35. All right It's the hairline silly starting to move backwards any bald spots yet Yes, how will you feel a year from now when it's business is usual up there? Do you want a bald spot to pop up or do you want to do something about it first? Do you want your hairline to recede or do you want to do something about it first? Why do guys turn to weird solutions like captain voodoo and all this stuff?

And when they can turn medicine when they can turn to medicine and science, listen It's a one stop for hymns.com is a one stop shop for hair loss Skincare sexual wellness for men. You hear me one stop shop. You ready hair loss skin care sexual wellness men Hear me out Him connects you with the real doctors medical grade solutions to treat hair loss Well-known generic equivalents to name brand prescriptions to help you keep your hair No snake wall pills or gas station counter supplements. None of that none of that Prescription solutions backed by science. No waiting rooms. No awkward doctor visits

Save hours by going to four hymns.com. It's that easy answer a few questions A doctor review it and they can prescribe you products are shipped directly. You ready for this to your door Directly to your door All right directly to your door me. I'm starting to lose my hand in the back. I'm 55 years old. Listen I'm an ugly dude. It worked while I had it. Well, I need it now I don't need it right now But if I needed this stuff, this is what I would go with Lee You should give me the shot Columbus did because from what I've read about this tremendous for hymns. This is what I'll do. All right

The church family again if you order now, I'll get your trial month of hymns for five hours today Right now while supplies last Right now five hours today for a month A trial month while supplies last see the website for full details This will cost you a hundred the dollars if you went to a doctor or pharmacy Go to four hymns.com slash joey You want to stop being boy? You want to prevent them before it goes crazy? That's four hymns

fr h.i.m s dot com slash joey for hindsight for hymns.com Slash joey. Anyway, George Perez. Good luck tomorrow night. Thank you. Lee Sayon. I love you dirty baston. You know when they giggling And you guys I love you. I'll see you in tempi Thursday night. Don't forget about me. Kick that mule Lee see

Oh Su gata lo va a buscar, de noche brinca la verja, que está detrás de mi casa. A ver si puede jugarse, sin que ya lo pueda ver. Y no tan pronto, no tan pronto es nada en mi estat. Sin vestres el hilo, tiene que echar a correr. Esto si es serio mi amigo, oye que el hilo, que el hilo se va a formar. Cuando mi gatito sepa, y es tan simple la razón. Que el que a su gata le cuenta, que el que a su gata le cuenta.

No es nada mas que un ratón, un ratón. De cualquier malla, sale un ratón. Como se encuela una rata, como se encuela un ratón. De cualquier malla, sale un ratón. Cierra la puerta, Claudina, que se te cuela un ratón. Salud rat, oye, el paquete Yo quería una libre queso Y me la cobió el rato

El paquete, ayá Salud rat, oye, el paquete, ayá Salud rat, oye, el paquete, ayá Salud rat, oye, el paquete, ayá Salud rat, oye, el paquete, ayá Salud rat, oye, el paquete, ayá Salud rat, oye, el paquete, ayá Salud rat, oye, el paquete, ayá

Salud rat, oye, el paquete, ayá Salud rat, oye, el paquete, ayá Salud rat, oye, el paquete, ayá Salud rat, oye, el paquete, ayá Salud rat, oye, el paquete, ayá Salud rat, oye, el paquete, ayá Salud, rat, oye, el paquete, ayá Salud rat, oye, el paquete, ayá

Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-Coo-Cha-C