Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #584 - Joey's Wife: Terrie Diaz - A Mother's Day Special

Episode Date: May 14, 2018

Terrie Diaz, Joey's wife and the mother of his 5 year old daughter, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio for a special Mother's Day episode. This podcast is brought to you by:   FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear.     Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded on 05/13/2018.

Greetings from podcastville the church of what's happening now is brought to you by Fuji Sports, let me tell you something if you're a fat fuck you're looking for a gi you're a skinny fuck You're looking for a nice quality gi work the gi this Fuji is the way to go. They're the only company I do business with I'm a fat fuck You could tug at me from inside the guard pull at me You're pulling me that those geese are fucking battle tested you understand me whether it's a psycho or the seiko The separato or the new competition gi. Let me tell you something. You cannot go wrong. They got a fucking purple gi That's ninety six thousand something

It's fucking tremendous, but listen go to Fuji Sports comm right now and press in church Bam, but I'm gonna give you a ten off right off the top To live it to your fucking house who's better than your uncle Joey go to Fuji Sports comm right now and press in church There you go number two if you're working out you need a good supplement, right or wrong. Yeah, go down at calm Why they got out for brain hundred percent money back guaranteed you got them the new Mexican chocolate protein Which they switched around Mike Dolce fucking delicious And you got the shroom tech sport and the shroom tech immune if you fly around and you don't want to wear a mask like a Japanese dude, huh?

So go to honor that gun right now and press in church boom and get 10% off to live it right to your fucking house All right, happy Mother's Day kick this fucking mule Lee. Oh Shit The church of what's happening now the Mother's Day edition I didn't forget about you little cocksuckers You know, I love you You guys are running shit Kick it with a kick kick. I want to see the speakers fucking burn. Oh shit Are you kidding me or what

Are you fucking nuts it's Monday morning, are you ready to fucking rock or what there we go On the border real fucking grand It's Monday you cocksuckers It's like watching the outlaw Josie will listen to this out of respect for Mother's Day I got my wife on who's I don't have a mother my mother punched the ticket 30 90 years ago Motherless, so I brought the best mother. I know that I could bring on the podcast, which is my wife Terry Clark and the Christ killer himself the original

You haven't heard that nickname yet Christ kill enterprises LLC, that's his company. Yeah, tell me start it right Oh After Mother's Day to you Terry The other night I went out Friday night, and I took the baby out to shop, you know We went to dinner at her favorite Boston market wide go there. I don't know the chicken's fucking brown Yeah, it's a favorite mac and cheese restaurant. I took her on a date went there. We went to CVS And we went to Marshall's which was a fucking mistake because

There's just too much. There's too many things that you know, daddy have to stop by the toys You got to stop by the vases. There's they were looking for earrings There was no fucking earrings till we got to check out line Then with the ugliest fucking earrings in the world, which I have on you did you did put them on You can't see talking to the mic, please you're killing me. I'm gonna beat you in the head with this mic So what happened was? We were talking tonight. Oh, we're talking about moms and this and whatever and She was just saying how much she loved you and stuff and

And I explained how that you she didn't understand how much she meant to us, you know, like How it changed your life and your mommy and how did it change your life? Good grief it you went from an office Check fucking dedicated not even we weren't even thinking of a child. Well, you know You don't think that I mean you you know that your life's gonna change, but you don't know That your life's gonna end as you know it I'm like you always think that oh well once she gets a certain age You'll pick back up and I'll be me again that certain age is like 18 or

after because yeah, I Was ill prepared for To the extent that my life was gonna be different We did not have any idea of a child coming like we didn't even talk. Oh, no I was actually telling somebody at the park today because he was like, oh, yeah I'm 60 something and my wife was 40 something and we did all the In vitro and I was like, yeah, well we didn't She just showed up out of nowhere 12 years into our relationship, you know

So we were Not looking for it and not ready for it in any way. I don't think Not that I think that you could be ready for it, but I would just It threw me for such emotional loop That I actually felt like a bad mom for Most of her life. I think I've I've felt inadequate I have and not From talking to several other mothers. I think that's just

How you feel as a mom you just feel inadequate What the fuck you think I feel like I went to prison and I'm walking around hand-in-hand with this beautiful little girl But I'm thinking people look at me like I stole her from somebody But everyone's looking at you like you're supposed to know what you're doing and You've got to put on this like I know what I'm doing and I don't know what I'm doing You knew what you were doing. I'm glad you thought that stuff started with the cats in the backyard I Seen the suffering that you went through with those cats. Those are cats. This is a kid

but you could see The nurturing you could see how they took to you how you would feed them and You know, we we saved. I don't know how many fucking cats back there. Well, no, we I don't even know what I'm saying We and you got a couple people who adopt the cats and I was watching you one day And again when I married you in 2009 I didn't Even have an inclination of children like that wasn't even like a fucking thought. Oh, I'd give it up No, it wasn't even that I'd give it up I just did not think that it was possible that I didn't think it was impossible

I wasn't even going to ask why or the house or I thought maybe I was sick Maybe the marijuana, maybe the drugs, maybe something that killed the cell reproduction, whatever So you came in you told me, you know, it took me a couple weeks to have my nervous breakdown I don't I don't I don't ever want to go through pregnancy again Well, now we get it Now I get it now, you know, remember I was coming with that I was coming with that confusion from the pain from jackie So you also have to have to remember what my head was at Oh, god, I realized years later where that confusion came from

Because of me having a child and losing my bond with her So for that reason, I didn't think I was prepared For mercy. So I was walking around for nine months thinking You're you're much calmer now Then you had been this is the most calm you've been since you found out Definitely, I think now you well, I've grown into it. You grow into the position. Well, and I think she's she's uh At an age where you feel confident enough that she can kind of fend for her

Self a little bit not like yes, she's gonna go out and get a job, but it's Don't ask me but she's you know capable of uh speaking up if she doesn't feel good or you know Before I think you just felt helpless And you have to realize that You're not alone feeling helpless I felt as helpless as you

It's always been a matter of insecurity with me whether it's been stand-up fatherhood basketball I'll look at this bracket Okay, leo say to me, you know what I think we should get two milk crates and put them on the wall And I'll look at Lee for about a week. I just look at me. I'll look at the fucking wall I'll look at Lee. I'll look at the wall and I'll ask around I'll ask carpenters like how much did you charge to put two things up

And then I'll start getting quotes and then one day I just get pissed I'll smoke a joint. I'll come in here and I'll fucking do it myself and I'll do a way better job Why because for three or four weeks or a month or six months I'm always insecure that I can't do the task in front of me I get that think about that having that on a nightly basis when you're going to do stand up I think I think everybody goes through that. I don't think you're alone in that I think that you thinking you're alone in that Is the only thing that's I think no

Not that I'm alone in that feeling it magnifies in me. I we were talking about leave before we felt Uh through his psychology that he was depressed before before me and him with before you got through your what we were doing a bong hit and Lee was laughing his ass off. We were fucking like and I stopped and I go Tommy that you're depressed, you know, and I go Lee you're not depressed You just go into the department and you get let your thoughts get in the way When you smoke some pot and you block those thoughts and you disappear for three hours You're fine. You're giggling. You're the man from outer space You're over there making juice noises and fucking nodding and whatever

You know, we all have a strong sense. That's my strong sense fucking fatherhood. I failed Why would I try to be a father again if I failed the first time? So that's why I couldn't adjust. Well, it was I think that with me and motherhood It was this is something I've always wanted to do So I should be really good at it because I've always wanted this. This is what I You know women are built for mothers and I should be a great mom You know because I did with this the cats and yeah I've never felt so inadequate in my whole life

It was like all eyes on me and I am dropping the ball Now when you look at her now and she's talking and she's reading the fucking alphabet and she's counting her fingers And you know those moments and you don't have to tell her twice to do something Because I see the work you put in those moments. I feel us like a success. Yeah But when we're at the ymca and we're supposed to be going into swim class and her bathing suit is twisted And she doesn't want me to help her with her bathing suit And I try to help her anyway because we're late for class and then she starts screaming and she goes It's twisted mommy and I cannot twist it and I'm like, I'll help you. I don't want any help

It's twisted like a wool. It's untwisted. No, I want it twisted and I'm like, oh my god She's a demon. What is wrong with her? And I'm just like mercy with class And she loses her mind in the middle of the dressing room at the ymca and you can't calm her down and you're like, all right Well, the wools just go home. If you don't want to go to class. We'll go home. No, I don't want to go home Well, then let's go to class. I don't want to go to class. I don't know what the right answer is And you're losing that's when you feel like I have to be an utter failure because everyone's turned around looking at me And I can't calm this kid down my god

I can't calm this kid down and I don't know what to say and every time you say something it makes it worse and you're like, I'm a I I'm either too emotional to get this done correctly or uh That's not how I see it because Let me tell you something. I was a burglar guys before I became a comic. I was a burglar Sit for five minutes and think about opening somebody's window And jumping through the fucking window and looking through this shit and think about imagine what your heart feels like imagine

What your heart feels like Putting a gun to somebody and telling them to lay the fuck down and to be an animal and all that behavior All those feelings and emotions Do not compare To the one mistake one day I made but then she was about six months old Maybe eight months old And I decided to beat johnny on the spot. I took her to the park And on the way back she threw a fit into the fire department

She fucking had a nervous breakdown in front of the fire department that the guys came out and was staring at me I thought they were gonna take the kid from me. You know what I'm saying? I'm looking thinking like right now These people thinking this is not my kid They're thinking number one. This guy is straight up out of the fucking sopranos. He's selling this fucking kid Like my heart fucking sunk and mercy would not stop crying And I didn't know what the fuck to do when she was in the stroller and it was just And so of course his first instinct is to call me and scream at me as if it's my fault. She's screaming on the side of the street because I can't Trust me. I didn't fucking pick up a phone and called nobody

I kept walking when that light turned red. I tried to do everything I can to just run across the street before they asked me for paperwork I mean, I was just petrified when he got when you got home. You were so You seemed angry, but I I'm sure it wasn't anger, but it seemed angry because you felt Fucking out of place confused scared impotent No, I wasn't impotent. That was fucking that's not what it means Uh, it uh helpless helpless Helpless I felt completely fucking no, no, no, no, but helpless And that I had no fucking idea stupid you feel helpless and stupid it's doing what I was doing

Oh my god Well for like I'm I'm 29 so for me It seems so Like almost like another world where I would have a kid and I see people my age having kids I see other people like you guys I was I remember when joey told me that you were having mercy, but it's It's kind of scary, but it's also kind like proves what life actually is like I figured when I'm 40 in my 40s Like I'll be like, okay, but then I'd know what to do with a kid But like until you have a kid you just don't know

Oh, you don't know what you don't know any news for you When you have the kid you still don't know you still don't know and the best is they just leave you in the room with the kid That was joey went home The girls who helped me in the delivery room went home But then all the medical staff left and I'm just there In a room with a newborn. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing And then Duncan comes in with a camera. I'm like, oh my god and

God what it's going on. It's some surreal strange planet I'm on And then nobody shows back up by the way I'm in there overnight with a newborn in my room and I don't know what I'm doing and no one's like Coaching me through or you know, it's you You know, it's great. It's like please this cannot be the rest of my life

This cannot be the rest of my life because I don't know what I'm doing It's like those moments in that whole top of that hospital room And that shitty bed was where it all began where the bond began Like it was two people not knowing what the fuck to do I heard somebody the other day. Why don't you sit? Why aren't we sitting with a parent? Who said that their child remembers coming out of the canal? Remember the day and let me tell you something up to the age of six I remember coming out of my mom's little fucking pussy. I don't like I thought I did I fucking really thought I did

You think all this shit when you're a kid. I I still remember being in there like sweating. I don't fucking know. I don't know But when she said that I thought about it days later. I'm like, wait a second That's not too crazy because I thought the same thing to a certain age and I stopped telling people that But I remember coming out of the fucking placebo whatever the fucking is. So are you talking about? I don't know what I'm talking about. I mean, even just to go a little bit back Like I remember because I don't know. I don't know exactly how long you were pregnant But it was going on longer than you're supposed to be Yes, I was I was uh

Like that must be scary too just being pregnant for the first time You're like, is she ever gonna come at 44 43? I was 43. I went online one night high And I just wanted to learn what my wife was going through And that was possibly the worst mistake. Oh god. I ever made in my life That set my anxiety my blood pressure up what they were like every pregnancy is gonna fail or yeah It was just one article to the other to another science doctor to another science doctor That the chances of mixed ethnic ethnicities. I mean, it was just they took me into this fucking That's why I don't read about that much

Off shit on the internet. I just don't Because it took me down a foxhole that it took me two years to get over. No, he was there And they took me two years to get over and they keep doing that to you. You know, my mother died guys You're coming into this with baggage You come you already lost the kid And your mother died and it's telling you the internet's telling you That a wife of 44 has a certain percentage of not fucking making it So what do you think i'm doing? I'm surprised I didn't do fucking coke. I'm proud that didn't snap

And do coke and fucking go crazy on alcohol. I'm really happy Because the old me would have snapped like a fucking twig That's really funny. Terry's like he was terribly like I think I did a pretty good job I think I did because I was a fucking wreck I was a wreck inside a wreck a wreck it really killed us thinking that something bad was gonna happen on the operation table You know, just things went I read stuff on that internet that were fucking Just sold Vivid yeah, vivid like the words were so graphic

That I said I left it alone and then it ate at me Like a weed and every time I looked at you I was I felt guilty for getting you pregnant So that was another fucking fox all that got into so I had all these emotions going on as a man that Fuck I'm surprised. I didn't go to a fucking bar and start doubling Southern conference and armies juice. That's what I would usually start with. I would have preferred that. Yeah Uh, as opposed to picking a fight in the middle of portos at the line. Can you and you know portos line? It's like 50 deep and he's like picking a fight. I'm like, oh my god. I'm a seven month old

Seven month pregnant woman. You're fighting with me and I'm in tears. I'm in tears in the line at portos I'm like, oh my god. This is awful. He says I should just leave I should just leave until the pregnancy is over with and I'm like, that's all I want. Yes, you should you should That's what I wanted. It was terrible. I couldn't fucking stand it I'm surprised. I didn't go down when the baby was born. I really am. I'm telling you guys I hid behind the curtain. He was at the door and I watched thumbs up I watched from a distance Because I'm the I get overwhelmed

It was overwhelming anyway because the stuff that they do to you while you're in the hospital He was like, what are they doing to her? Like the q-tip There's a q-tip. It's this long. I don't I don't need to know where that. Oh, yeah And it just goes all the way and he was like, oh my god. Where is that q-tip going? Oh my god Oh, and it just disappeared I'm not good with that stuff It was and You're up by the way, you're like four feet up in the air when it's happening and he's like, oh my god

Oh my god, no and the the way my water broke which was fantastic the The hospital bed that they have you on the delivery room thing There's a cushion on the top end and a cushion on the bottom end and they're supposed to connect And stay together. Okay, mine would not stay together So the bottom kept flying forward so I had been in there for like 24 hours already induced because I was already over a week late She wasn't coming. I'd carpal tunnel so bad. I couldn't hardly grip anything

But my cushions flew out from underneath me. So they were trying to get it back underneath me. So I had the bar Behind my head They couldn't get it up. So I said whatever and I just grabbed the bar and pulled myself up like this And as I did my waters broke And I was like, uh My water just broke. They're like, are you sure you didn't just pee? Yeah, I'm sure I'm absolutely sure no one has ever peed that much in their entire life. Are you comfortable now from what I see? You've grown into your role like just tremendously like

I'm more comfortable now, but I'm more comfortable with Just uh My whole life in general right now not just the motherhood because again at the time I had had a vision of myself In my head of how I saw myself and what kind of person I was and I I worked at the fill the LA Philharmonic in their finance department and that's who I That was a big part of who I was. It was it was a huge part of who I was and I was very proud of that

And it was I was really reluctant to let that go Because it was such a big Part of me. I remember how hard you worked for that job and when you got it how quick you moved up And it was very it was pretty amazing to watch and I was getting better You know, I was just growing in the position and and uh, so I was thrown for a loop professionally when I got pregnant And I wanted so very badly to continue to have it And

I was pissed When I came to the realization that I was going to have to let go And hurt that I was going to have to let it go And it took a long time to come to terms with that I've come to terms with that over the last year and a half So it's been easier To deal with being uh, someone who stays at home

Because one I have What I do for you In our business So it's been more fulfilling over the last couple of years. So that's helped but um I'm I'm really lucky that I At the time you don't see that you're lucky you feel like you're Losing and I was you're losing a lot of yourself

Uh And people go, oh, you're so lucky. Oh, you're so lucky. Oh, you're so lucky and you're like, fuck you I am lucky. I I've I saw myself as this and I liked it And that got taken away from me and you feel like a bad person for feeling that way You feel like a bad mom And it's like I like I don't have the right to feel

Upset that I had to give up part of myself And people just keep looking at you like, oh You don't know how lucky you are. Oh, you should be so happy. Oh, you should mind your business That's why The house is happy You know, I didn't grow up in a no fucking Brady bunch, which is what I always wanted And uh, the house is happy The house is clean

The child is healthy the husband's happy You fulfilled You know I mean, we work great together as a team And she's just a beautiful little girl. She's just a mirror of you That I look at and I go, holy shit. Like it's Like I freak out every day. You guys think I'm comfortable in my skin I'm not comfortable at all, but I've learned how to adjust now. I'm her father. She's my daughter

It is what it is. That's it. Do you ever Do you remember I'm sure everybody has those memories of their childhood Where you had a really bad moment with your parents You know, right? Yeah, like like, oh god, they're the worst parents in the world. They did this Every Time like you're in the middle of a parenting decision. You're not a hundred percent certain of You have that fear that this is one of those times that she's going to remember when she's 26

That's going to say remember when you were a bad parent You're like the whole time you're going. Oh god, is this one of those moments? Is this one of those bad times? Am I doing it right now? Well, how crazy is it just like it it blew my mind at her last birthday party? Just hearing them her land them her call you mom and dad. I'm like, wait Like when I think of mom and dad, I think of my mom and dad And I'm like, wait, they're I've known them for years, but they're to her their mom and dad It must just be weird like having that title Uh, it is weird sometimes to look at her

You take so much for granted and then you'll catch yourself like How small her arms are and you look at her and you're like she's such a big kid, but not really I guess in a group of kids she's like a larger kid, but Her little arms are so tiny and her hands are still so tiny Even though I look at her and she's like that's my that's mama's big girl. Yeah, she's not really No, she's still she's still her feet on the other hand are enormous. She's still have a baby inside. She's not She's a sweetheart of a child. She sees the world in a beautiful fucking way and

I know I didn't see the fucking world at that age. I told her yesterday. I'm a walk I go you way ahead of me when I was five and she goes, I know You know, she's way ahead of where I was psychologically You know, I had a loss at that age already. I was waiting for the door to open and my father come home So she's fucking way ahead of me, you know It just reflects It reflects on the work that we put, you know, like I tell you guys I

I Could go on the road. I could do a thousand things But I'd much rather be a husband and a father Two weeks of the month. I'd rather be on the road six days And be home 25 like right now I do tv from time to time I don't like it when I do it on the days when I'm missing swimming or something. I don't like it

You know this week I'm going to Providence. I'll be swimming on Thursday. You know I think it's beginning to affect her more Now that she's older and uh, she's kind of Being uh, more aware of the his absences when he is absent and she's taking it more personally Then she used to take it and that's Uh Troubling like I said a little bit sacrifice six days. She understands six days In comparison to

Five days on a fucking set 12 hours a day me coming at nine o'clock and not having the energy Yeah to play with her. I'm telling you what the breakdown is. This is the best breakdown Yeah, I love to sell a tv show and be on the tv show at this part of my life, but At the same time, I don't want to be an absentee parent over You really have to pick your battle. You have to pick your battles and for me. I was raised without a father And now today Because of the drugs and the prison and all the shit I did. I realized how important that gap was And I see it when I'm with her and she holds my hand

When I sit down watch tv with her. It's not that I have to take her to disneyland She's never even been in the fucking disneyland and she's five years old. I'm ashamed of myself But she gets crossing you have to bite that bullet. We'll bite the bullet for what we'll bite the bullet for graduation, but Uh, it's the little things. It's the watching tv. It's the Coloring with her at night one hour. I've become a great fucking color He's actually really talented with the crayons. I was I love it. I fucking love it. I fucking love it It's a therapy for me. Does he make you put it up on the refrigerator refrigerator too with her When we do our colors

Coloring with her the ones we do she keeps that those are for her and the ones that she colors we keep so Oh, okay. Yeah, no, we're not between. We're not in our coloring like that between seven and eight at night I'm usually coloring and I get on the floor. She goes and gets my glasses He was really good. He did some shading I shade it in with his it wasn't like then I sign up la coco to piss her off. She fucking fumes What does she want you to say dad? No daddy then she wrote her fucking name. Yes, there's something Oh, yeah, she's got a new way of writing her name. Yeah, something crazy So like some

Tag looking thing. I'm like, what is this? Yeah, it's crazy. So she gets pissed off when I sign at the artist's name la coco She's like doing some sort of graffiti style name signing now You know, I thought for years I spoke to somebody years ago when I lived I think in boulder uh, the chef's wife Came to me when they were just in conversation. This is when I first discovered gentiles like these crazy fucking people The boulder was the home. That's the first place. I ever saw that brand the person and this girl did coloring therapy

Like I was like, what are you talking about? And she goes like going on people from war incidents and shit because they had a big bar Vietnam community in boulder and she goes we color and it calms them down And I thought this lady had been drinking too much tea Fucking mind. No, it moves your brain from thinking from one side of your head to the other side I've fucking been doing it now and I do it for that one 45 minute stretch

And I think of material we really don't talk much except for every like two minutes. She goes Look dad. What do you think show me yours dad? I like your shelf dad I like that color dad, you know should just say something but pretty much I watch her focus And I go into a zone and I think of material I think of my day They say such thing as coloring therapy. I'm telling you, you know why because I see it now I love it I go back there and I sit for an hour I lay on the floor with pillows. I plug my phone in. I don't even give a fuck

It's kind of giving you permission to do nothing for a little bit a little bit And she's looking colors and shit, and I can't see the colors without my glasses There's 96 fucking colors in there You see her running through the house going into his office and I go daddy knew his glasses Yeah, you know why mommy I go because he can't see without him. That's right mommy. Good job Yeah, I can't I can't they're all fucking purple to me. I don't know what the fuck's going on So I don't give a fuck. Where's tony benetly tony benet

Oh tony benet it's mother's day I want to be around Monday babies to pick up the pieces. It's the 14th. I think right when somebody breaks Yes, the 14th already and you're sitting there on your ass thinking about your future Some somebody twice as smart As I You're a good nipkin up somebody Will swear to be true

As you used to do Let me get my glasses here. How to get new fucking glasses the end of the cb. I had to go to cbs all week I got on the plane. I got to put my glasses on they're fucking broken. My heart was on a fucking plane I got to sit there for five hours with no glasses. Thank god. I got 19 pairs Spread out again around my luggage. I got one in the one compartment one on the top One I had a backup. I always have a backup for the backup plus. I got the prescription. Where'd you got me? From the fill when you had insurance over there Those are the worst fucking glasses ever like the hinges are fucking loose. So how can we only have one in the carry on?

Huh, I have two of the carry. Okay. Thank god. I always got a little pair of old man glasses Just in case I don't get fucking stuck on the plane You gotta you gotta take a head. You know, I know I know these things fucking break and then you doomed So I got glasses just to hold me over So when we went out on a date there and I included cbs because a we had to get a card and b I had to get new fucking glasses I'm always one step ahead of the game Anyway, I'm about to shout out for Tammy Hernandez my man leon bob lalingus

dominic warren eston 1971 alans 313 mike zewicki I don't know what the fuck this is scoundrel the scrub and ian williams He's so goofy That's what we're supposed to be goofy. This is uh, this is uh

An out of our wild imagination people put you on just to go away for a little fucking while you know what I'm saying It's not supposed to be a heavy hearted I know I know we're a little bit of ways from father's day But you said he's change how has joey changed to you like how does mercy see joey do you think? Oh, no, yeah She wants nothing to do with me when it uh when her dad's around she's daddy's girl she uh Especially if he just comes in off the road it's like

She will come up after swim class or something. She's like mommy me. Uh, we're gonna go get pizza Just me and daddy not you Oh, no, I'm like, oh, okay And that started maybe what six months ago. Yeah Just me and daddy not you. Okay That doesn't make you feel bad at all It makes me feel bad She says it I always try you try really hard not to get your feelings

Because it is a five-year-old and she's not trying to actually hurt your feelings, but it is a little hurtful I'm not gonna lie to you But is she There's no one like your dad. I'm a daddy's girl And it's not that I don't love my mom I have the best mom it's that I don't know you just girls

I mean, I would say my sister's much closer to my mom and I'm much closer to my dad So I get it. I get how she feels towards him I was thinking the other day that we need to have another one So I could have a kid of you know, someone who loves me See we little giggling, but that's incorrect. Let me tell you something Like I wish someone loved me the most when It's like when I used to go to Nashville or West Virginia in 2000 98 and 97 I wasn't a good enough comic

What is the point I'm trying to make I wasn't good enough comic The the southern belt would I'd go up on stage and they'd laugh for about 12 minutes And then they'd realize wait a second for christians And then the bomb and I saw that when Doug Stanhope did Nashville like 98 He was killing them for 12 minutes and they realized they were christian

Nashville was not cool in 98 Neither was Atlanta Forget about West Virginia. They would find your $50 if you said fuck I don't know an open not an open miker that they had My point is He has no idea no idea She is cool until she remembers mommy Do you follow me like the other night if I would have said to her

Let's go to Toys R Us after Marshalls She would have said no She was all ready for you at Marshalls And Marshalls when she bought the earrings and the thing She was done I couldn't talk her to take a plane I couldn't talk her into going stop and fucking nowhere She wanted nothing and that's what happened when she's at the frozen yoga place with me or at a park

It's real easy. She'll come up to me and go. Let's go home and see mommy There you go. There you go. Just a little something a little rabbi out of fart. You know what I'm saying? It's mother's day It's like you already have the second kid Who likes you a lot No, you would think I was more prepared for children After being with him for so long. I think I'd be good for like the teenage years like 13. I feel like Think about it. I'm gonna be

63 when she's 13. I'll be farting up a storm when her friends are over and shit. Oh That's gonna be his when you embarrass her. She'll be fucking dying She'll be dying dog. I'm exasperated right now. Yeah. Yeah She'll love you when when she's like 13 15. Why does she oh no, she's all she's already mortified with This she doesn't want us to dance or to sing I can't even when he's going out somewhere and his pants are falling down. I can't even she he had no shirt on this Afternoon when we came home from the zoo. We got out on the front porch his hair was all jacked up He had no shirt on he's scratching his ballsack on the front porch and she's like, look daddy's got no shirt on

He's naked I was like, oh my god Yeah, fantastic This is gonna be a great great great time Well, I I've just uh You know, I remember a waitress in the store That gave me cigarettes and 36 dollars to go to New York one morning. I don't think I gave you anything I think someone stole my cigarettes and it's funny how

It wasn't two years later. I was like she would be a good mom when I saw how You reacted to the cats and whatnot And I gotta tell you after the first five years you got an a-plus in my book because that little girl was uh She's turned out to be quite a little young lady. You've done a great job. She's She does things that uh Just surprised you and And and in times you're like, oh, I'm doing such a good job. I'm doing a good job

I'm doing such a good job and then you know, she'll have a fit but it uh It is very rewarding and frightening and uh Uh I'm absolutely terrified of the next 13 years of my life I don't think I I

I I'm so ill prepared for what's coming up and I'm tired and I'm tired I think that's the worst part is that I'm 40 some I'm right now. I'm 48 years old and I'm so tired I cannot even imagine how tired I'm going to be in 10 years when she's 13 and I need to be like all points, you know all hands on deck you know Well, she's 13. I'll be fucking 63. What do you think I'll be fucking? I'm hoping to be like nick the owner from fucking uh The the club and cleveland hilarities like nick is 77 or something like that

And he still works every night. He still wrestles with young kids because he goes to the gym He eats right, you know, it's just it's just an age thing Why do you think I do the things I do? I think go to weight watches Because I really want to put focus into this and this is I have to I have to to Maintain my weight and do yoga and otherwise I'd be a disaster right now You know, she's given us a lot of reasons. I mean Every time I look at a you know, I live in anxiety Sometimes when I just look at her

For a couple minutes. I can't even believe she's my child. I think it's like a fucking dream So I just wanted to put you on the podcast and thank you personally Thank you because I love you and stuff like that. You're a knucklehead And uh, that's it. I got no dates. Uh, whatever fucking provenance is sold out. Your motherfuckers get ready for uncle joey And uh, the stress factory sold out the only other date I got is may 26 at the ice house It's gonna be a 35 minute set. We're gonna have a couple fucking stranglers up with me That night. I'll give you a lineup to be determined, but you're not gonna be fucking disappointed I'm going over a 35 minute set if you know what I'm saying. So get prepared details

Coming soon What's up flying jew everything all right? You got the sick of more tavern on tuesday night Yes, sir, like a bad motherfucking eight o'clock. I'm depending on what time swim class and what we do I may show up. I may not Don't start till 8 30. So you'd be good got the ovan christina p Whitney coming so far. Steve Simone. You got a great fucking lineup down there at the old acapulco That used to be the old really that was it. That was it. That was all you could eat how many times you're going there for All into the old days. That was a spot and shit

I didn't know I didn't know that was the place. It's funny. That was the old acapulco with valet parking And a buffet and a buffet they had the valet park the sweet corn tamales. Oh my god That's the first place I ate when I moved to hollywood that night. That's where I went that acapulco was something about the name I went in there and I got the oil you could eat buffet and in those days they used to have a band Oh, really like on monday nights or something like three. What are you calling three guys at the guitar mariachi Mariachi was three speaking of mariachi. I'm going to be with a korean chat on wednesday at the ain't ontario improv Oh, shit. You're making the drive for the dirty show. Oh, yeah, that's my dog. Look at you Look at lisa yak guys fucking stalking these people getting fucking spots

Make it. It's it's fun. It's good to it's really exciting. So how long have you been doing comedy officially now? I think Like five months six months something like that because I started a year and a half ago with with you at the dark horse Black horse whatever I always forget which one it's called But like full time since like the middle of december ish You were just going up at the dark horse. You had no intention. You were just fucking around I would think about it on the drive up high and get going And then yeah, and then now i'm actually

Working on I did 16 last week 16. Yeah, so that was I'm trying to get to 20. How many minutes you got? I could probably do 10 to 15. That's like the most and it's not that's stretching That's sweating a little bit at the 11 minute mark. It's and it's not like I have like a set It's like I have a couple jokes that I could do like I'm I'm hosting at the sick of more So I have some stuff that I do But I like a joey's been giving me tips on hosting and I've hosted that uh the open mic last couple weeks Joey

You never really saw him do the open mic at the comedy store. No no Oh my god He let me tell you He is a phenomenal host And oh I can imagine. Oh, yeah. No, he's a phenomenal. I told you that I worked on it really hardly Yeah, because I realized by becoming a good host You learned you're a quarterback You're the quarterback of that show even if the headline sucks

You could turn around and there's an old clip That you could find a d. L. Hugh glee It's gotta be 93 94 on uh, what was the hbo one? Jesus christ, it's all right. It's all right. Def comedy jam. Yeah. Yeah. There's an old clip of d. L. Hugh glee getting a standing ovation Off a mc spot. I saw that with my eyes And I never forgot that and I remember how important it was how he turned the fucking show around Like he destroyed that fucking room off the whole spot

Like he made sure That nobody could fucking follow him after the whole spot he did it so brilliantly and unintentionally That my jaw dropped like I saw Doug Stan hope killing seattle I saw a couple live performances that have baffled me But that one on hbo that night if you could ever find that it's

d. L. Hugh glee circa 1993 92 def comedy jam He filled in for martin lords And he just fucking leveled that I when I saw that That The guy from the dirty guy had hosted A bunch of good comedians

Had been hosted at the comedy store Like david letterman hosted Uh, the guy that's dirty full house. Oh bob sagan bob sagan hosted for a long time. It was really weird people Who hosted at the store? And they divide you get a certain talent from hosting at the store. It's every three minutes. That's crazy. You've got to be Quick with your quickly quick quickly funny and you've got to do it a lot Oh, yeah, because I've just started doing like the last few weeks And I don't I don't know like the fear I have is I don't want to take too much of their time

No, you got to learn to sizzle the room in 18 seconds Okay, yeah, yeah, exactly. I try to do like a really quick something 18 seconds and you can't sizzle them every time Right, right. So you you also moving it along if the guy kills White kill his kill keep the momentum going let the other guy deal with him. Okay. There's all these strategies from hosting that you learn If this guy bombs You've got to get their attention You got to bring them back now You got to suck them in and get them and once you got them

Fuck with them now Now fuck with them. Fuck it. Fuck the time take that minute Fucking you've got them and then blam bring the other comic up. Hopefully this guy's stronger than you and he kills the room Don't say a fucking just joke. Don't say nothing come into the stage nick johnson boom And let nick johnson take the room if he dictates to keep but the first time one of them bombs or Is extremely dirty Okay, all right Anything that like throws people off abortion somebody who's just trying to be a fucking jerk off

Right somebody who's trying to be Joe jerkoff and fuck up the the the the attendance of the room The aborted baby joke The kick the pregnant woman in the stomach that that type of fucking off-color joke, right a racist joke something like that Go back up then get the confidence back in the room. Don't shit on them But now you got to win that crowd back So there's all these little secrets, but you don't do it until you're doing it, right? No You're not doing it until you're doing it like last night We had someone come in with a a boombox and a song they wrote and you should have seen irina's face

She's like not on my mic She goes now now you also have to learn who you can torture Okay without torture You got to learn the gift of torturing without torturing. Oh my god, and that's where your eyes come in Okay, so that's a complete different game that you'll feel Like somebody goes in need some bag of dicks and you know the audience is like What the fuck am I watching? You have to punctuate that feeling

So keep it going for Yeah, you got to go up there and go like keep it going for terry clock and then move your eyes like what the fuck was that? And bam and now you got them without saying a fucking word. So there's mental torture in the host game And there's comedy torture in the host game There's the gift of saying without saying okay, right, you know, let's keep it going for what? You know what I'm saying and just do he just doesn't know anything without saying it like adjusting your tie like Yes, anything without saying it. So the hosting job I had to be a host for four years. Maybe

I would wow that how often would you host for four years at the store once a week every sunday every sunny every open mic 10 o'clock just close and no first seven to a 10 And then I got graduated to 10 Wow, that's a lot. Yeah, that's a lot. It's the long 25 25 bucks to walk up and down those stairs 15 minutes 15 times I settled that I got dice's number eddie griffin's number Joe Rogan's number and I would call him and tell him come down and do as much time as you want I would let people wait online all fucking days And then I'd call everybody paul mooney and say come on down. It's a free stage

Get there at 10. They get there at five after 10. I'd do 10 minutes in front of mitzi She'd give me spots for the week. I'd pull paul mooney and go home And I was also a door man on sunday night. So I was doing the first guy. Yeah. Oh my god And I let him do 40 minutes like fucking that's it. I was done for the night I was gonna be on yours because like even me like I like I've been like sweating because you you're running up there every three Or five minutes. Why would I want to go on stage on a sunday mitzi's not gonna be in the room once mitzi leaves the room? What do I give a fuck? I'm gone. I'm done. I did my fucking job. I'm getting spots this week. I'm eating this

That was my strategy with other comics like be like, why are you putting up? What do you believe? Oh, would you be like, oh, he just came down? I'm sorry. Let me tell you something You can't what this week somebody asked me. They said have you hold they said that's right They said you ari's doing it this week Really ari's hosting tomorrow night. Oh cool So ari's doing it and they're like you know, it's torture Now I did it one time and became something else Now women take it personally

It was too much. It was totally that's still a girl. I will not talk to me because of that night Because I don't know who's hot and who's not What am I fucking comedy central? I know who the fuck is hot who's not There's a list the names are on the list and I read them And this girl worked at the store. So she was supposed to go. I don't know. I don't know the fucking rules So it's too complicated. I don't want to piss nobody off. So I moved on never again I'm not banging on down there Sundays

Walk up and down those stairs 80 times. That's work jack That's work and you got to get them in between sets and shit. That's work Yeah, that's a it was like four hours or something. Yeah, it's three hours. Oh, it was a long time That's why I chose to do the path. I'd bring up one guy I'd do my 10 Boom one guy the boat and I see barris and he'll come in. It's all yours. Really? Yeah It's all yours. Mitzi's gone. What do I give a fuck was in the room? But I learned how to control the room

Which is I can't uh, you can't replace because it is important I've always you always hear comics come sometimes they'll complain or so the crowd is great But at a certain point Like if you can get them going like I even see it open mics if the first comic is a little weaker Sometimes everyone else has a hard time But if someone goes up and has fun at the beginning And gives you either people something to riff off of or even just have a good set like it'll be a better mic Now you gotta remember I came from the Denver school first

Where it was three minutes every one Tuesday every four weeks. Okay One Tuesday every four fucking weeks. That's it. Yeah, Jesus three minutes. I like that two minutes And if you ran that fucking light you got tortured Then I went to Seattle and I was the number one spot and Seattle was five minute light six minute to get off Because of the contest that they have They want the local people to be ready with those six minutes So the only spot that does 15 is number 19 on the list on mondays When I got to Seattle, I was number one on the monday night

Any year later, I was closing the show on monday night. So it'd be me josh wolf brody Me josh wolf brody with you know, you go up the rotation I would imagine though that a hosting would give you um a greater edge of following a variety of comics because you're used to having to control a room after People the bomb people do really well people who are really funny people who are off color You know, you get a taste of how to get a crowd back

No matter who came up in front of you So it doesn't matter as much about who you're following because I know a lot of people get oh my god I'm following so and so yeah, but if you are a host and you've been used to following all kinds of people It wouldn't upset you as much. Okay. Here's the secret the hosting more than ever more than ever You have to make them fall in love with you And it's a weird thing to say

Because it takes a long time to develop that skill not that they like you they love you You got six minutes to let these people know that they love you Not that they like you not that you're like anybody else they would even even if dice is going up even if chris rock is going up You're gonna control the room That's fucking wild That's what a host does that he has him whether he's in the beginning of the show Or at the 10 comic mark he still controls the game. It's like joe montana. You're a quarterback So no matter what happens you always get them back

So as a comic you have to find their center As quickly as fucking possible So will you test a joke out like that's kind of dirty joke out A stunt in the audience You pray for a guy with an orange shirt Really? Oh my god. Yeah Why what did the on shirt do you do material?

Now you come up the second time bang the guy with the orange shirt now Don't come into the stage. Now you go back up and every two times you call him back up You pray to god that he's good Pray to god that he's good and he falls into your hand and afterward he hugs you and he tells you it's the best night of his life We have one of those like we had a real person in the Okay, this is it you have to make them fall in love with you and then you Are the quarterback you see the field a lot bigger for years If it didn't even matter where I I would always open in the rogan shows

And Ari would follow me or Duncan. It was well known Joe took me on the road to be up there first And I Fucking honored that I said, you know what? I gotta get good at it For him to bring me next time and then it became to the point that I was already headlining and I'd still go out As an opener just to get the fucking 50 give me 14 minutes and I'll wreck your fucking room I'll wreck your fucking room. I'll I won't even use segues I won't even use segues. You don't got time for him. I don't even have time for segues in 14 minutes

I just bombarded Understand it's like apocalypse now when they fucking when you see the chinese people running and shit and they drop them I want to thank my wife happy mother's day for coming on the show I want to thank uh the flying jew aka the christ killer most importantly I want to thank you people for listening and uh, I want you people to appreciate your moms and shit I don't have her moms, but if I if she was around until I'd be rubbing her feet giving the flowers telling her to go fuck herself for fucking me up and

All that shit. Anyway, listen, you want to get in shape. You want to look good? Everybody wants to fucking Go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. All right. You got to go to honor dot com right now Why because they got the supplements or the fucking taking to the next level alpha brain Shroom tech immune 100 money back guarantee if you don't like it, then I want the product back. Who tells you that? It was the last time you went and bought weed And the guy told you if you don't like it bring it back. You don't have to give it to me I'll give you back the money. That's a fucking industry standard right there So you got to believe people like that shroom tech shroom tech immune

Shroom you like the flyer look I fly every weekend Boom, I eat 20 22 of those shroom tech immune. I'm tip-top fucking magoo. You understand me why you drink water on the plane You don't drink scotch and get dehydrated. Anyway, honor dot com right now Go right there. Look at the great line of supplements Take a chance columbus did you understand me the protein is tremendous 16? Grams of protein per scoop go to honor dot com right now and press in church Bam and get 10% off your first order delivered to your dog cocksuckers. All right number two

You're gonna put on a nice gi listen you want to look good You want the gi to be light And you want it to be fucking durable you work hard to get your money, right? This is the way to go fuji sports dot com right now That's the only gi I fucking wear fuji sports the first time I put on a fuji I knew I was fucking home. They could tug on it shrug on it pull on it Fucking bulletproof those geese. You understand me if somebody shoots me and I have my gi on I'm confident That's how fucking much I love

My fuji gi whether it's the super rito The sakao the basic one and whatever the fuck you they got shin guards They got fucking mats hands. Oh, Gracie. They got everything Go to fuji sports dot com right now and press in church. Bam get 10% off right now And that's it. Happy mother's day to all you moms out there. I'll see you motherfuckers Thursday night in private Then stay black. Check that meal, Lee Go home, I was with the big boys breaking all the rules Dead tears with my baby sister over the years. We was born another little kid

And even though we had different daddy's the same drama where things went wrong. We blame mama I reminisce on the stress I caused it was hell hugging on my mama from a jail cell And who taking elementary? Hey, I see the penitentiary one day Running from the police. That's right. Mama cast me put a whooping to my back side And even as a crack fiend mama, you're always was a black queen mama I finally understand for a woman. It ain't easy trying to raise a band You're always was committed a poor single mother on welfare. Tell me how you did it

There's no way I can pay you back. But the plan is to show you that I understand You all appreciate Yeah, I want you knowing love is sweet Dear mama Please know what I'm about You all appreciate Yeah, I want you knowing love There ain't nobody tell us it was fair

No love from my daddy because the coward wasn't there He passed away and I didn't cry because my anger wouldn't let me feel full stranger They say I'm wrong in the markets But all along I was looking for a father. He was gone I hung around with the thugs and even though they sold drugs they showed a young brother love I moved out started really hanging. I needed money of my own. So I started slanging I ain't guilty because even though I sell rocks it feels good putting money in your mailbox I love paying rent with the rents too. I hope you got the diamond necklace that I said to you

Because when I was low you was there for me and never left me alone because you cared for me And I can see you coming home after work late. You're in the kitchen trying to fix. That's a hot plate You're just working with the strap she was giving and mama made miracles. Everything's given But now the road got rough. You're alone. You're trying to raise two bad kids on your own And there's no way I can pay you back. But my plan is to show you that I understand You all appreciate Awesome Because through the drama I can always depend on my mama and when it seems that I'm hopeless

You say the words that can get me back in focus When I was sick as a little kid to keep me happy. There's no limit to the things you did And all my childhood memories Are full of all the sweet things you did for me And even though I at crazy I gotta thank the lord that you made man. There are no words that can express how I feel You never kept a secret always stayed real and I appreciate how you raised me And all the extra love that you gave me

I wish I could take the pain away if you can make it through the night. There's a brighter day Everything will be all right if you hold on. It's a struggle every day got a roll on There's no way I could pay you back. But my plan is to show you that I understand You all appreciate Dear mama Dear mama Don't you know we love this dream Dear mama

Dear mama Dear mama