Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #585 - Josh Wolf

Episode Date: May 16, 2018

Josh Wolf, comedian and host of the "Fairly Normal" and co host of the "Prinze and the Wolf" podcasts, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 05/14/2018.


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Josh Wolf The Christ killer himself Lisa at aka Johnny Belinda Drop it Oh Before the fucking podcast started with all my Sinatra, yeah, and how strong he was and like You can't do protocol like where he's from Where I'm from you can't go up to a guy like that and like and there's a great scene in that close range with Christopher Walker and Sean Penn Where Sean Christopher walking tells Sean Penn as his father

You could come with me a couple times if you like it you're in and One day he's sitting with the whole family the whole five brothers and Sean Penn walks in with his girlfriend They're underage. He said the fucking table and the girl goes by the way he wants and He wants to join you guys We're getting an apartment in the car and he wants to join you guys and they all broke into fucking laughter right in his face And they all got up and walked out of room and Christopher Walker says don't you ever fucking do something They told the girl to get the fuck out of room

And he goes don't you ever talk to me like that? That's the protocol. I grew up with right you can't approach a guy You know, like people call you here and say shit to you and like Facebook you Yeah, yeah, you can't go directly to somebody you have to have a way around or something So we're just talking about like Sinatra's mentality at that at that point the thing I liked about it was you talking about when that you're talking about the tonight show thing that tonight show thing We're Mickey Rickles the Don Rickles. Yeah, just all the story remember. I grew up in North Bergen Which is the people from Hoboken who moved on up Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

When I learned a lot about who I was when the Sinatra documentary came on HBO Because it spoke about Sinatra how he wasn't allowed above 9th Street When he was a kid the Irish would beat you to fuck up. They were oppressed by the Irish. So those Italians moved out and it's really weird that I grew up with a weird mentality like I I think about my life And I think about my mind why I think like that when I watch that tonight show thing I listened to Sinatra's voice and it's everybody's voice Hudson County That's there's something about a Hudson County like the people I grew up with their parents all had Sinatra stories

Yeah, but the best part of that Rickles coming out is that Rickles cut through all that he just walked right up, you know Oh, no, that's brilliant. Yeah, and then he delivered the goods. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And Sinatra loved it Love it. Well Sinatra had a sense of humor. That's what I'm saying My favorite part about him was that even though he was Frank Sinatra, you know, he let Rickles take the piss out of him They all poked fun at them They all poked fun of him and he laughed because he had so much confidence in it that he was like It doesn't matter what you fucking say. I'm Frank Sinatra. Oh, and he calls him over and he goes, excuse us for a second

Got two bullets to the head like you can get shot for saying something. Yeah, somebody in public like you get shot Like why are you saying this to me? Those guys didn't fuck it. He didn't We were talking about the Elvis documentary and then how Sinatra ran him like that story about on Sunset when he went into the restaurant Well, you fucking he was eating at a restaurant and the bus boy was Spanish And he dropped a tray of glasses and all the glasses broke and he only berated the kid and Fired them and Sinatra went up to him and said how much for each fucking glass

The guy's like, what are you talking about? He goes how much for the glasses because I don't know they're a dollar piece He gave him the money he goes next time I come here that kid better work here I'm gonna tell all my friends not to fucking come here Don't talk to a kid like that. Yeah, don't like he was You know, but listen without him. There's no Sammy Davis, Jr. No, this is because nobody wanted to see a black entertainer No, no, no, this is it. Yeah, you know what I mean? Sinatra said fuck you. He's with me You know, as soon as he said he's with me the whole country was like, all right, we like that black guy Yeah, yeah, that's it. That was amazing. It was that simple that this country was all

Duh, I remember going to my friend's house and eating that one night and the mother was like going on and on about I remember one time for two dollars We saw Sinatra this guy that guy and my friend goes and Jazzy Jeff in the front But those were the stories I grew up with and all the little personality traits In 98 I read a script. It was called the Jimmy Roselli story My manager called me goes to the cast. Oh, who's your manager? Who is who you went back then Jeff Jeff? Yeah, I have a script for you to read. I sold you on the casting director and what it was of his The guy that did drugstore cowboy. Mm-hmm. It was his movie and

It was starring John Travolta and they were looking for a comedian and I read the script It was interesting because I had heard the story before And the story was that there was a guy that was better than Sinatra Sinatra will tell you mmm Sinatra will tell you that the guy was better. His name was Jimmy Roselli and Jimmy Roselli was from Hoboken, New Jersey and he Sinatra hired him to sing at his mother's birthday and Roselli didn't show up So it was a sign of disrespect. So Roselli told anybody who gives him work. I Don't do work for or Sinatra told she not relate the fucking groundwork out and banned them

The fucking guys record label fire them everything the guy would have to tape albums and sell them out of the trunk of his car He was the original MCM. Come on and the Italians would go Jimmy close the fucking trunk. You're embarrassing us Come over here. We'll give you the $10 I'm gonna sit there and sell fucking albums. So what he had to do is go on the road with comics. Oh He would open up for comics and sing a song and then the comics will go up. So it was very vaudevillian So when I read the script, you know, I read the script and it was down to two comics me and Everybody was Molly Molly Mike. Oh, you mean Billy Gardell Billy Gardell. Yeah. Yeah, they liked us so much that they said fuck it We're just gonna hire bowties

That was the audition that I snorted coke till 650 How to go in there when I got in the room Travolta was in the room I Give it real once you got to the audition Travolta was this was this before or after basketball? This was after basketball. This is when I was getting my shit together. It was about 2000. Yeah, I Was getting my shit together and I got that I was going to acting class I got that script and I had to go across from The burger king. I'm Western. That's a bad fucking name. Yeah, I know what that is There's a little office in there. That's all tip top of Google. They gave you water like a white person

They found that you're parking. Oh, I didn't even know was there. That's where the director from Drugstore cowboy. Who is that's not Fincher, right? No, I forget what his name is and Travolta were in the callback, bro. The cocaine high Evaporated when I walked in like that residual feeling you get like you even drink orange juice Gus Vance and Gus Vance and orange juice Then he took an extra step and came and watched me at the store Gus Vance So they were in they were in my man. Yeah, go to Florida. Have a great time by the time you come back You'll start shooting first day in Florida the phone rings Travolta backed out

To do the Scientology movie. Oh the battle star Galactica star Galactica bad move The Jimmy Roselli story went fucking un fucking heard Can I tell you something? It's it's kind of probably the way, you know considering how his life went. I'm not surprised That's what happened to the movie. You know what I mean? Like he was gonna be big again, and then all of a sudden he's not and now where is he now who Travolta? No, whatever like what happened to it. I know he's probably dead But what happened to Jimmy Roselli? He's probably dead. I mean, but what happened to his career? He did nothing Nothing, I don't know what the whole story how it ended up. I forget to be honest

I forget how the script ended up and what happened to him typing Jimmy Roselli Dude, you know when the first time I met Billy Gardell It was when I was running that room at the Union remember that room It was right that that one of my favorite rooms ever because it was I like small rooms It was perfect. They get hot and they get loud. It was perfect. I have still to this day I think I've told you this before but I've never the most I've ever seen anyone murder a room is Rogan in that room. Rogan did the best in his life in that room Because it was so small and it was like packed and stand still kind of get set in there

Oh, a bunch stepping on his mother's pussy. It was a spider That was also the first time I heard his joke, which is still one of my favorite jokes ever Which is you know, I told my girlfriend I wanted to titty fuck her and she said how you gonna make that feel good for me and I said I'll tell you what? Right when I'm about to come. I'll stop punching you in the face With the first time I met Billy Gardell was in that room Rogan had was buddies with him and had brought him had brought him from the East Coast or I don't know if they're still buddies, but they were buddies and Billy was wearing those

Cab Calloway white and black dress shoes. I used to wear fucking Everywhere and Joe was like can my can my buddy get up. I'm like, yeah, whatever But he was dressed like you know, he always had a suit in that fucking he was Billy Gardell used to dress it up You know the in those shoes look like biggie. Yeah, he will walk into a room. Yeah, yeah, absolutely I see him from time to time. He's still a sweetheart. He's a great guy. Yeah, I see I bumped into him Well, he has cars and shit. Yeah fucking He's a sweetheart and when you bump into him right in bed back. Yeah, I was there's one coffee shop I always run into him here in the mall and that Union man was

That thought that room Was like a little bar room, you know the difference between like a little when you do a one-nighter Like difference between those big stages. How long have you been doing stand up? Well the very first time I did it I was 15 Right and then you know I did it once maybe again in high school and then I did

a comedy competition the next time I got on stage and in San Antonio And the fourth time I was ever on stage. I opened for Sam Kinnison So I was like, oh this comedy shit is easy. You know what I mean? Like I've been on stage four times and I'm opening for kinnison because I've told you this story, right? Yeah. Yeah so

But yeah, and then I I took a lot of time off here in town, which I regret In the time that I took off if I'm being honest with you when I was writing on shows when I was writing on yes Dear and writing on staff And when I was writing for a little bit on Chelsea, I didn't get on stage because my deal with Beth was I'm gone enough. I'm not going to be gone all if I wrote on the show then I had to put stand up to the side Because I couldn't write during the day and go out there at night. Do you know what I mean?

I had to have a little life fan life work balance And so I took a bunch of time off from stand up and I and I really would now regret that because Right now on the road I'm like, I'm like, oh That's right. I finally because about a year and a half ago, man There was a huge switch huge switch for me I'd finally Accepted what I do well. I always kind of knew what I do well, but I always fought against it a little bit

And about a year and a half ago, I finally Accepted it and was like, this is just the comic you are man You you can't try to be a different person anymore And it changed the entire it changed the entire thing My comedy was always okay in my brain people always had a good time But the last year and a half or so it's been a different beast because I'm I'm I'm truly just Being myself and having a good time on stage and it's changed everything issue of time how like time

Time is so fucking Stand up ish Like it's such a cliche thing to say, but it's just like anything else It's time. Yeah, it's time like When you think it when you can do in comedy nine years you in the back of your head you think you have a figure out Yeah, but it's not even close And it's it's weird. I was doing comedy about nine years 10 years and I remember thinking

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I just knew that I thought I was on the right path or whatever I was doing I was a regular at the store and I saw Paul Rodriguez killing And I walked into the main room and he sucked me in and I walked in and Mitzi was sitting there thinking she goes sit here And I got watching I'm going wow, this is magical shit And she goes you see what happens at 20 years And I remember thinking fuck I gotta do this 10 more fucking years

What the fuck it's two thousand one or something and you're telling me I gotta do this 10 more fucking years to get that good And then I remember being in the game about 16 years And I wasn't really in love with it anymore Like I just didn't see a purpose for it. Yeah, the realities were setting in In my mind the realities were setting in I was out here I had shot movies. I had done tv shows And it just wasn't going my way. That's it. There was no excuse

I had given it everything I had About like 2006 I was really fucking sick like I got blown smoke up my ass, you know And I bought it. It was the what I wanted to hear So the addiction got worse because things weren't happening. I took the phone was in the ring off the hook I did everything I was supposed to fucking do And I said fuck this I'm not gonna wallow I'm gonna go to the improv every thursday and not tell nothing to nobody walking the side

Watch the headliner and I did that for about 12 weeks. I just went down there. I didn't say nothing to nobody I watched Greg Harald. I watched Ralphie. I watched I think it was Bill Burr. I watched just whoever was cracking at that time And I was like bro, I am the farthest thing from that Like I really am the farthest thing from that that I'm not a headliner At the 16 year mark. I was like I'm at the 15 year mark I was like, I'm not a headliner. It's just never gonna work. It's just I remember going out after the longest yard and just eating deck Like people coming to see me because of the movie and me just

Eating a bag of decks and thinking fuck. I've been doing this now for 14 years Can I tell you the people who first when Chelsea first hit? And we were headlining clubs or going and doing theaters The people who first saw Me then I apologize I mean I thought In that moment. Yeah, this is I'm yeah. No, no, this is it so weird, but I

It's it's it's a different Listen, I learned a lot from watching you dude because what I learned from watching you is that at some point You just said fuck it. This is who I am and I'm gonna ride or die With who I am with who I am how many people when you first got to town told you to clean Not to swear and how many people not to swear to sell your show on tv To make your image likeable to make your image So I could write a tv show against everybody. Everybody. It was just something that was but but you were disturbing. Yeah Listen, you know when we first started

I remember your jokes were terrible, but when you got mad and you were you on stage You ripped that place up and I I mean both of us and we're obviously young comms for the time But we we should have picked up to the fact. Oh when he's being himself He's tearing this place down But when we were writing jokes It was dick dick that's the that you write so

What I learned that you were just like and so what happened to you doesn't happen to most people hitting you after 50, right? after Years of I remember going to Columbus the first time as a headliner And just dying a slow death. This had to be When I first signed with Justin First time Justin called me. I think we gave me cobs And something else just to see we liked each other how this thing worked. I think portland helium is when we had our first Disagreement about something

How deep into the podcast were you at that time? Maybe a year Maybe a year and a half into the podcast once When I was doing beauty in the beast, I was about a hundred people to show Mm-hmm a hundred people showing up going. Hey, we was in the beauty in the beast, you know, so That was the very beginning. I still remember doing cobs and selling out with Felicia

And going we're onto something. This is fucking crazy But my stand-up wasn't No, no, not at all. It was not ready at all. But here's another thing that So for me again watching you I know there are things that we're naturally good at right you are naturally gifted at commanding the stage

storytelling uh-uh Charisma that allows you to Charisma that allows you to say things That other people can't get away with yes one of the things that has not always been your strength is to sit and write But the fact that you make yourself do that you've turned yourself into a writer like there that it's It's amazing like the writing jokes is not easy and then the discipline to do it is also not easy You give yourself. Listen, we've been here. Yeah, let's let's let's talk the particulars

You're in the major leagues last week something happened. That was kind of weird Okay, a fighter one of my favorite fighters. I love it to death came in seven pounds over Now We don't know what the strategy is. Some people have a speculation. That's what she wanted, you know You only lose 30 percent of your purse, you know, I'm making a lot of that's a lot of percentage But but not yeah, and let the UFC tell you to go down But at the end of the week seven pounds is a lot seven pounds is a lot That means you weren't there was a joke and you know about my body. She's beautiful

And I love her jiu-jitsu her jiu-jitsu is money. I watch her rolling her fucking money I watch her against gabby garcia with no gigi gabby garcia is a girl that's bigger than me You have to see this woman and mckenzie during roles with her and shit an ad cc So I really like her but the end of the day at the end of the day after all the jokes are told Let's be honest. You're in the UFC You came in seven pounds overweight and the biggest forum there is for stand for fighting in the world Now let's talk about stand-up in that sense Right now. We're at the comedy store

Right now we have the podcast right now. There's so many things going on I cannot get away with what I was getting away with 10 years ago People will not come see me If I just go up there high and try to improvise and be cute He was good, but not good enough to come back and watch. I didn't see anything, you know Each show you try to be different every week. You try to write you can't sell a $10,000 car. We're in $10 shoes. Nope That's it. I always go back to that because at the end of the week we're fucking salesmen You cannot sell a $10,000 car with $10 shoes on

How are you gonna? I'm gonna buy a car from you when you a BMW when your shoes on shine I saw I went to my agency the other day. I saw a kid his pants were so fucking high If he was my age and I'd smack him in the face His pants were four inches over his fucking thing. That's how they're wearing them I was ready to say invite your pants down and have a party like that old stupid shit you know just certain things that I'm happy that a big agency didn't approach me 10 years ago I'm fucking ecstatic

That a big manager didn't approach me 10 years ago because I would have fucked it up Joe the reason we you know when I had those tv deals early on If I'm honest with myself, I'm the reason they didn't go because I had Everybody else they were given tv deals to think about the people who were on the air Rosanne tim allen paul riser signfeld They had drew carry a huge pool of material for their character. They've been doing stand-up for a long time They had a huge backbone right of what their writers could rely on I was given a show

Just because of my situation not because of my comedy. You know what I'm saying? So the situation was interesting to the networks But my count there was no I stand up wise. I wasn't close to ready So when they like they were like, oh, let's take a look at the situation single guy resin three kids in one room Perfect. We love it. And then when they went to my comedy to help write the scripts There wasn't any And it they died it died it died because I wasn't ready for what they were giving me. Do you know what I mean?

and and The same thing was stand-up like right now I feel like If you come to my show And you and you and you're a fan of mine you come to my show You know what my shows are like, you're gonna have a good fucking time Look man, you know, I made a decision about a year and a half two years ago That one of the reasons I had not done it was because

Of the people in this town that I respect so much You know, how many times did you say hey go back on the road? Hey put down that little fucking banjo? And I'd be like, yeah, maybe I shouldn't but the end of the day I I start I do 50 minutes of stand-up I do Which is basically like three long stories and then I end the show with three songs because I like it And about a year and a half ago. I was like fuck it This is something I like to do and I don't attack jokes like you do and that that's what I mean like a

I had to accept who I was I tried to for so long tried to attack jokes like you or rogan or burb because you were the guys that I respect And you were the guys that make me laugh And then I had to realize that's not I just I'm a little sillier than that. You know what I mean? And I just had to accept the fact like that's just fucking who I am. That's the art. That's the art. Yeah The art has no boundaries. Right. The art. Just expect you to be funny. How you get there is your fucking journey Yeah, how you get there is how you hang that tv up on the wall. It's up to you

But it took I really don't give a fuck how you hang it up as long as you hang it up You want to hang it with hangers? I'm telling you to use this fucking thing You want to use fucking hangers Yeah, the chinese wire then this is what you get. Yeah that but it took me because When you are in business with people that you respect and you admire You can't help but want them to be like, oh, I think he's funny too And at some point I had to be like fuck that. I'm not performing for them

You know what I mean? It'd be nice, but I'm not performing for them. You know what I learned early on. I saw people give up their thing for stand-up and I didn't like it Give up their what? Who they are. Yeah for the sake of the town I figured out this way. I did movies. I did tv shows And I was an okay stand-up, but there was still something missing I knew there was still something missing

I knew that you know what? Yeah, I have success there That's where the strength comes from is putting down the ego What you just said is a beautiful thing about why the shows didn't got get picked up a lot of comics 10 years ago You weren't saying that you were saying something completely different. Oh 10 years ago. I was blaming. Yeah, you blame You see this in your journey You learn all these things in your whatever journey you choose whether it's a dentist a lawyer a doctor a stand-up They're all the fucking same journey

You're gonna feel different about it What you did 20 years in and 10 years and then five years and then six months in It's that you stuck with it and that's how you really fucking learn like you like now. I know Like listen i'm 55 and i'm a fucking black belt in jujitsu Uh, i'm a black belt in jujitsu. I'm a black belt in stand-up Yeah, a couple red stripes. Yep, and you gotta add the life aspect to it Like I seen prison. I seen people getting stabbed I've also seen a woman give birth twice. You know, I saw a guy raise three kids by himself with no mom

I saw some shitty shit, but I also saw some beautiful shit My my range to draw from you want to get down we get down I could talk about putting a bottle in some chick's pussy and blood came out in the bottle and I fainted Oh, I could talk about Fucking uh, you know, you ever heard that one yet? Yeah, this tripper in seattle. I put the fucking wine cooler In her monkey and I fucking tried the masturbate and it popped up fucking period and I fainted in shit, you know You know, we could talk there's so much diversity to talk from yeah going to prison, uh, you know

I never even got into you like when I got out of fucking prison and I tried to go back to college and they wouldn't let me And I had a fight and then I had to I had to take him to court To be allowed to go to night classes. I'd get my degree And after I beat him I took three credits like you know what? Yeah Like I had all these fucking trials and tribulations because at 25 I had what I wanted I had a wife a kid and a job and I was going to school and I was making a little bit of money If this is what life is

Shoot me now Yeah, like shoot me now. This is it five days a week. I work saturdays. I watched the kid sunday I go to her parents and watch the buffalo bill game Shoot me now And when I'm 65 I got a gold watch and happy retirement shoot me now Shoot me now. I can't don't tell me this was what I fucking went for all these years. I was snorting coke I was having a good time. I was breaking into people's houses I was having a great time by myself

And I'm sitting here watching tv with a woman telling me the dog. No No, I couldn't do it at 25 You know what you know what is somebody said to me recently that I had never thought of because I know how you grew up and uh They said that poor people Have dreams rich people don't rich kids don't have dreams What do they get everything want because we were talking about entertainment people and I go most Most entertainment people I know grew up kind of on the lower end of the money scale

The guy was like yeah Because poor people have dreams and they don't let go of those dreams because they're always in their head since at a young age dreaming of a way out Dreaming of something better and that it man. I'm the same fucking way, right? You're oh, we're always That wouldn't never work for you because you always were dreamt of something better of a different Life, I just dreamt of not sleeping on a couch. Yeah, dude being able not to go to work I did not want any money Like I just wanted enough money

That I could go outside and get a soda in the daytime in the paper Maybe a salami sandwich from stands up at the corner And I was good like I was lazy I didn't want uh Listen, I just needed existence I still remember going to see a counselor Before you leave prison and they go, you know, I don't know if you know this you could file for social security You're a felon

You're disabled And I was like, oh How much gear is a week? And they're like it's like 600 a month or something. They'll help you they'll pay for an apartment for you And I was like I was almost like like if it was 1200 a month and friend friend free in the shit apartment That that would have been my life charge. I ain't gonna lie. Nobody I love movies I love tv

You know, I love smoking pot if I could have figured out a way just there was just a time in my life Well, I just want to be left alone a little shitty apartment like in bolder. I paid 400 for a fucking one bedroom It was the loot now that same thing is 1600 1800 the apartment, but the point being is I didn't need much I was pretty all I wanted to do and if I could snorkeling three nights a week That even made it the better But then I would go to subways and I would go to different restaurants and I would see those old dudes with the ponytail Yeah With the shirt of molly hatchet spring 83 tour

And the other kids are like jacob's age and they're telling so you really saw ledger please I can't man I looked at that guy and I know that's who I'm gonna be and that can't happen either Yeah, I never wanted to be the cool guy like that that's so I got to find the happy medium And then I went after everything I thought, you know, oh my god, I could I tried to get the best jobs with the felony with A gd and no college education like I was already getting interviews For places like that for some pharmaceuticals started at 60,000 like I was getting I was bullshitting my way in those doors Yeah, like I was that good at bullshitting my way in those doors

But then that comic thing kept coming back Like I would watch a movie and go Fuck I gotta figure out how to do comedy But what was it about? comedy In the movie that made me lose my mind the first movie I saw that I left ain't going It was splash Yeah, but that wasn't stand up. That was 84 still. I didn't know what

I didn't know what the route was I just wanted to be able to do a junk candy was doing I was like, damn, I gotta figure out how to do a junk candy is doing And then that's 84 yeah and 87 I got locked up and right about that time A week before I got two weeks before I got I kidnapped that dude Two weeks before that went down. This is how life works I got into an argument with a guy named Grant A lot I thought about how hard about this name. His name was Grant

And he was a white dude and he was fucking built And in one of my cocaine tirades in the next morning I went off on him about a customer and we went neck to neck. We were gonna punch the shit out of each other A manager came out broke us up. Were you working at the time? I was working at Bill Crouch Subaru And they said listen, just stay at the opposite side of the stores for a couple weeks and don't talk to him And you don't talk to him and we we saw everything we had to say To each other we had said everything we had to say that we both called each other faggots and fucked you and Yeah, yeah, you punch me first and I'll punch you first. So it was cool

We went to manager meetings to file one week And you know like a week later I was standing on the opposite side of the store and he came up to me and he goes, hey man I know you don't like me But he goes, you know what I did for the last 20 years I was an entertainment in Las Vegas And I'm just looking at this dude. What what are you getting to? Like what the fuck are you talking about? I was just thinking of my going home and doing a line of call go who I was gonna fucking, you know, whatever that night

Yeah, and he goes you have a career and standing up comedy goes. I've seen all of them and I can tell that you you're standing up comedy Like a lot that's great And I just went on with my business And then when I got locked up and I started doing those those shows on Thursday nights. I was like Grant might have a point everything just pointed to it. The door was right there And then I came out and got a job and it was all forgotten about like one of my things That's like becoming a christian in jail when you come out you throw the book up in the air You know I'm saying it was like that like I'm prison for a while. I was writing jokes

I there was no resources. There was no internet, right, you know, I didn't know about Judy Carter I didn't know about nothing. I just was just writing on a notebook about uh black people You know White people I didn't fucking know because I was in prison. Yeah, that was my whole stick was white people bikers black people And fucking the italian fetch cook. That's it. That was my material. So I had to work with So once I got out of the prison, I was like, I ain't gonna stand up. That was just a bite break. Do you remember? I remember My first the first joke I told on that comedy and I was thinking about this because I I ran over an old

Flyer of a show me you and Brody did In seattle years ago, right? When I started thinking about what time was that what jokes was I telling and then I I actually found an old notebook and I remember the first joke I ever told on the comedy underground stage was this was that I had I was poor and so I had gone to the sperm bank To see about donating to the sperm bank And I was surprised to know that you had to apply and I was even

More surprised to find out that they accept less than six percent of their applicants Six means it's hard statistically harder to get into The sperm bank than it is into Harvard law school. And you know what that means That means that there's a lot of picky fucking lesbians. That was my first joke. I ever told on that stage And I remember thinking that's the smartest joke I'll ever write You know what I mean? You know that first one where you're like, oh, this is gonna be the best joke ever I'm expecting like a Just

Dude, you know what's really weird because I did it seems like every whenever you start because I had one Like everyone has one with like a stat in it and everyone has like something based on a song Sure. Yeah based on lyrics. It's funny like because that Like whenever I go up, I'm like, oh this person's new. They're doing something big that oh, I looked this up And there's 80% I'm like, so there's a percentage point in it. That means you're you're new I don't know what it is about because the stat tells you that they're trying to seem like they're smart comics I'm gonna do a little research on the interwebs and find out that 8% like and it doesn't mean shit but

That underground those open mics Some of my best memories and I told Lee that I still remember getting there on a Friday night And then that was the first thing I said to that crazy bitch. I go show me this club you saw. Yeah And we took a car ride and we walked around and then we I went in I remember looking in the window. It was a bar and I'm like Like I was there like oh my god. This is the comedy underground the fucking figure with the eat the building and shit I was like, oh my god. This is this is different I went right down there that night and you walked in

And you're from boss like a perfect one guy from the east coast. At least I got an ally And uh, that was it. It was like I remember starting first Like the first couple open mics you go from one Then maybe you moved to number two. Yeah Then you go to number four and then by the end I was number 15 I was just closing it out and that fucking feels great It really did man. It really felt like just a pecking order

of You know, I sit here now Like today I just announced that the netflix thing Listen, this is a blue collar Mentally like the way I did comedy was blue collar. I did a blue collar the whole way I I just went back to the basic rules. Just keep getting on stage They're gonna throw tomatoes at you and eventually they won't throw tomato You know, you go on stage with the fireman's having that

You know, they're throwing shit on you and I knew I just I I didn't have nothing else to do. Well, what the fuck was that gonna do here? In 2007 you think I was really just gonna quit stand up and get a job selling cars like that's what I was planning No In 2010 I went over to that forge door How fucking crazy is that? In 2010 I went over there for three interviews got the job And they wanted me to go piss in the bottle and I pulled a guy over and I go that's not gonna work

And he goes, what are you talking about? You want smoke? No, but three hands. He goes, well, you gotta stop. Yeah That's not gonna work Let me just I want to give a shout out to Catherine Preet Meg Tucson, Lou Russ X Eric Sean James Diaz Jeff slaughter paul lynch And patio furniture. You badass bitch

I'm even rhyming. Let me do a bun. Just to get the party started. Yeah. Well, you know, I was tongue linear they how? You go to an open mic and at first you're number one on the list Yeah, you take the bullet of death. He do not like three weeks in a row and what saved us was That we had a mentor Oh, yeah, the mics Like that was big Like that was big like I think he cared he cared he Carl genuinely cared not just about where he worked in the comedy underground

Carl cared about comedy. He fucking loved comedy So as goofy as he was He wanted to make sure that was a good show and if he didn't think you were doing something right In his way, he would tell you bro. He had such an influence. Um, yeah I think about it now like the first person to influence me Was him like he pulled me aside and said do this joke here You're insulting people do this. Yeah, then he did something to me one day. He made me follow rick dukeman And I went up there. I don't know this fucking guy and that's why it's better not to know who to feel like I learned a big lesson that day

You don't need to know who anybody is. Just go up there and do your material. It doesn't matter who goes in front of you That's how I became friends with rick dukeman because I followed him on an open mic He was working on some HBO stuff. Yeah, you know what I am like Like I'm working on some HBO stuff and I didn't know who the fuck he was and I didn't give a fuck Yeah, I just come home from fighting with carol at dirty hole You know what I'm saying? I don't give a fuck about who rick dukeman is or whatever And I went up there and followed him and I had a good set and he came up to me after he goes Not a lot of people could have followed me. That's pretty good stick with it

And then when I got here, I called him for a lot of counseling Him and his wife were fucking brilliant. They knew exactly that like just keep calling him for spots You're doing the right thing. He goes, I would go down to the improv After the show is done and buy drinks for people and put spotlights on in the back and do it It's all about what you want. I thought then his wife invited me over for dinner one night Yeah, and she was telling me how he did let him in And the next day they drove from new york to where she's from in ohio And they drove all night and got there like at eight in the morning and at five o'clock

They ate dinner and he was putting his shoes on she goes where you going? He goes there's an open mic down the corner at the pizza place I'm gonna go do it because you just didn't let him and he goes exactly that was yesterday And he goes that's your mentality that's but it has to be that she has to be your mentality There was a kid that was opening up for me and I forget which city it was He was uh hosting right for your city was but he was I asked him because he was pretty funny And I said you want to do this full time and he goes. Yeah, I go How many nights you getting on stage a week and he said I do three sets a week

I go, but you should quit I said quit and he said why I said, you know look I'm gonna give you an example like say Joe Rogan is in In LA for a week and he's doing stand-up He'll do three sets sometimes in a night and if one of the best guys in the world Is sometimes tripling the amount of times you're getting on stage tonight. You're not trying hard enough if you're getting into stand-up just getting into it and It's what you want to do forever and ever and ever and ever and you only figure out your how to get on stage twice a week It's gonna be tough remember from 98

to 2007 I had two additions That was just you used to keep a folder or how many times you got on stage And you do you still have that fucking father? Yes, I do You you said a number you said a weekly a monthly and a yearly number. Yes, I did. Yeah, how many years did you do that? I remember I remember that fucking notebook From 96 till today you it was a weekly month and sometimes I remember you To stick to it. You would be like I got one more fucking set I got to do

I don't care if it's at a pizza place. I gotta I gotta stand in front you had one more and you would make sure I stood in front of a fucking mic I remember that doesn't matter. It drove me crazy. Yeah, I was in fucking. I was just I got to do Yeah, I remember that and then for I worked my ass off to do 16 spots a month And it would I would drive to Cheyenne, Wyoming. Yeah, like this is two hours to do an open mic I would kill it on fridays go up there early get the shrimp and lobster sauce. They had some chinese restaurant A bunch of new yorkers in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Yes, I did. I would drive to Cheyenne for Collins A riverton wyoming to do the open mic. I would drive bro. Oh, I know man

I don't know what the fuck people are talking about and then I got here and once I got here. I knew that it was three spots at night. Felipe's Another mexican bar and the company store Rudy's and that was it and you know what I forgot about my health I mean, I was so yeah into stand-up that health Oh, you have no balance no balance. No balance. There was no balance But here's the fucking crazy thing that you just remind me. You know many times I walked in the door Because this was the process just so people know

I would go to the company store get a package put it in my drug pocket from chewy's hat It could be from anybody and I would put it in my pocket and it would stay there So I got off stage as soon as I got off stage and went right to the bathroom Did that first bump? I went to the bar I drank a little bit and once I felt the coke I'd leave I didn't want to get coked up in public too much No, that was never your thing. So I go home and let me tell you something

No, I'd stop I get beers two packs of camels three packs of camels I'd have a gram of coke First thing I did before I walked in and did a line of coke or opened up a beer Was I go piss? And then I go right for the notebook And before I did that line of coke as addicted as I was I would write Pray bull did okay got to work on that joke uh

The improv I ate a bag of dicks I did the same and the company store I did perfect I just need to write this I didn't like how I said that that I don't know how to date How much time and what I got paid for each set I did the same fucking thing That was it that was the first thing I did when I got home. There was no calls There was no cocaine. There was nothing the first thing I did when I walked through that door As much as I wanted to snort the coke was open up that notebook and write exactly how I did What I got paid and what I tried and what died And as honest and as brutally honest as can be

You know what's funny is that I had one of those two where I would write down where I was what I did How much I got paid how much time I did too The other one I wrote down so I didn't have a how many sets a week notebook I because I didn't have because because of the kids I didn't I knew I didn't have that ability to get as many sets I wanted I kept track of phone calls That I made For myself for my career There were a certain amount of phone calls a day every day email a certain amount of some sort of something out

It's it's something I had to do something to keep you busy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you work for yourself Yeah, you are your own corporation. That's it if you sit there in the daytime and watch tv or look at the computer That's exactly what your career. You're stealing money from yourself. You're just stealing money from yourself That's why you have to have a schedule You get up at eight you have a breakfast you go exercise get it out of the way Then you go to come home wash and pussy go right for an hour and a half Then you go home because you can't sit there like a fucking I can't do it I gotta go somewhere right. Yeah. Yeah, then you go get a job from 12 to 8 selling fucking tape on the phone

Whatever and then from there you get on your fucking car and you go start doing your spot You get a little dinner in and you go do your spots and you know I still remember that at the end of the notebook Like at the end of the notebook It would be this last sheet would be what I made that year So new year's eve I get a grandma blow or I wouldn't the night before new years I get a grandma blow and add every month up So I would add it up in the quarters. So january february march was a quarter

This is what I made and I still remember looking at that paper and it'd be saying $8,000 for the year $8,000 is what I made in comedy in 1996 for the year. Yeah, man. And I figured out how to do blow Pay child support part-time Fucking buy clothes, you know, you figure out how to not buy underwear. I don't need underwear. No I need six pairs of socks five never wore underwear. Never. It was like you just figure out what you needed To do what you need wanted to do we used to So I had my bills on an alternate month payment not that not that the companies were okay with that That's just how I paid my bills

I paid my bills like by which one was getting turned off that month And that's the one they got paid and the other ones that weren't getting turned off I'll see you next month. It's just so weird how you get addicted to this dream And next thing, you know, you're living in the house with eight guys on the couch But you don't give a fuck dude because you're doing 22 spots a week You're eating ramen You're fucking selling cigars at a fucking phone company From six to eight on saturdays you work a door because what's the difference?

Nobody's giving you working on the weekends. You're just making money during the week catering catering You're lighting people's houses on fire. Yeah lighting the fucking setting on fire like I did It's so you know and you look at it and you go, well, maybe you were retarded for all those years Like no like was I we were because I was telling Lee that after about three years four years one night That does come a day that after four years That's just one night because it's like a fighter Or anybody else we don't know what we're gonna get it could either be 200 punches before we start hearing people yelling Or it can be four punches. You never know what it is. Yeah, but there's that one night where you

Just pop your head up And you look around the room and go what the fuck am I doing in my life? Okay so two things one You know, there was a time when I was in the luxury apartments with the kids I don't know if I told you this but my dad came in and had a serious talk with me And he said I'm I really respect the fact that you were going after what you love

Uh, and you're following your dreams, but at what point does that become selfish? You now have three kids. How long do they have to live like this? How long are you going to follow your dreams? At their expense and he said I'm not telling you to quit. I would never tell you to quit and you know will support you but At what point is what you're doing selfish and I was like, well that is a really fucking great question and to be honest with you like the I was going to do that one-man show

And I wasn't going to see what happened for six months or so, but I had he was right at some point. I had to stop To prioritize the dream over the kids and what they were getting right um But also what I told my dad was I also I don't mind them struggling I want as long as they see that we're still the fight, you know, we're fighting for what we want But I'll tell you something. You know that moment you you're talking about where you lift your head up You go what the fuck am I doing here?

That happened to me not four years in that happened to me fucking four years ago Four years ago. What happens every yeah, it happens every three years. Yeah normal if you have any normality You find yourself at the comedy store 145 You got it because it never ends See it never ends. You know, I can't imagine being lua ck or kevin heart No, that sounds terrible, dude. I just saw tiffany haddish in another movie. I know So it's nice to be in demand But there comes a point that you just lose yourself

And I have lost myself And I don't ever want to go back there again. Yeah There comes a point that you really lose yourself and this We've seen people bro losing We know people who committed suicide like I was thinking about him Yeah, the kid they used to put the handcuff on In seattle You know, I bumped into somebody the other day like the comedy with 19 years ago

And bro, it's not bad. It's ptsd from what this town did to him. He had a little bit of success And then he couldn't cover the spread which happens to a lot of people in this town and he went away And if you see him now, johnny's room, you're like, oh boy This is no bueno. First of all, it's one of the reasons I went last night, by the way Rudy merino was funny that rudy. Sorry. So once made a comment on him when I first had him on And he goes, I don't know. He goes he goes. I've been around comedians since canis and musicians And he goes, you ever been in a room where it's a fine line between mental health and art Like there's a lot of comics. I know that in the beginning like in the beginning of comedy those open mics could become dangerous

Like you're dealing with mother like you're dealing with motherfuckers who still got a bracelet on From the fucking loony band, you know what I'm saying? They still got a little I remember being at the open mic in new york And some guy was like, I just got let out. Yeah after 30 days and I'm okay and and he had the bracelet Do you remember that homeless clown that came on stage at the underground Jesus? It was it was it never ended Yeah, you're looking at this going Maybe this is me just from a different angle. Mm-hmm. This could be me Yeah, you know, I always tell the story, but the guy that would go up on stage every monday. This is my impersonation of a bird

That's my favorite comedy. That's that's my favorite story. That's my favorite story of all time And he would just go up. He was very happy. He knew who he was He was like the character of the godfather. You could put stickums all over the wall. He didn't care He didn't care. He knew who he was and he would go up on stage every monday number seven Yeah, he had a day job. He was happy as shit. He had 10 people that come see him Every monday this fucking guy was the best and he'd go up on stage and say this is my impersonation of a bird This is my impersonation of a shoe. This went on for fucking months You know and when you're a comic like you're like, okay, it's cute. You figure it out. He's not going nowhere

Like you know it right away like five five. That's 90. That's 96. I'm in comedy five years now. I'm like this guy He's not going anywhere, but it's okay. He ain't bothering nobody But after a year and a half of listening to this every monday Like this is my impersonation of a man in traffic on the farm in seattle. How often when he changed him What do you mean? What are you writing these stuff every week? Yeah, he had new impersonations at the top of google He wouldn't impersonate nobody now. Oh, he wouldn't do anything. No, he would just go This is my impersonation of a boss in red sauce. Yeah This is my yeah

Of jim Morrison at the hollywood bowl. Oh my god. This is my impersonation of a bird singing So it's cute at the beginning. You're like, no one is one of my business Maybe he's having a good time. He's having a great time He has a little girl from wakama with a little boyfriend. I don't know if somebody would come and see him But one night you're in a bad mood. You just got out of jail. You know what I'm saying? Like I just got out of county jail I made the open mic. I'm happy. I made the open mic. I know I'm gonna eat And all of a sudden I'm walking past and he's up there with that fucking This is my yeah

I'm a bw bug And I don't know if it was me or somebody yelled you that was you. Why don't you do an impersonation of a comic and you could hear His whole body crack But it was what we had all been thinking for for months And he never came did he come back? I think he didn't come back. I think he switched up to giggles. What about okay? You know, you know the impersonator up there that made me laugh the most was the guy who sounded like jimmy steward But he never did an impersonation of jimmy steward

But every impersonation he did sounded like jimmy steward doing an impersonation of somebody But he never acknowledged it So it was like this is me, you know, I can't do a jimmy steward impersonation But he'd say this is my impersonation of jack Nicholson and it just sounded like jimmy steward reading jack Nicholson lines And I talked to him after one of the shows I go, you know, that's actually funny You know, that's a whole different take on it. And he was he didn't see it. No, he was like, I don't think I sound like jimmy steward I'm like, yeah. Yeah. No, you don't say yeah It's really rough to talk to comics at that level. Yeah

And explain to them what you see because this so I was the same way people come up to me and say shanah I ain't gonna fucking do that. Yeah It's so weird that I forced myself to go to an open mic a few times a week now Because I don't want to get over Whatever with the comedy store. So I'd rather hide. Yeah, and every time I go I think about I'll sit there and watch the open Micros I go to the fourth wall and I'll sit there and watch them In 10 minutes in eight minutes in my mind goes back to being in new york city

and what I was feeling at that time like in 93 like This is all I want to do. What the fuck am I driving a limo for? I feel so lucky dude that that I started in the comedy underground I feel so lucky to to have started in that scene the comedy underground the original comedy underground is still my favorite stage ever Is it still there? No, it's gone. It's the earthquake. But can I get replaced? No There's a new comedy underground, but it's not it's nothing. It's not even close. It doesn't have you know There was so much history in that cellar dude and you remember you could smoke in there So by the end of the late show there was like a layer

Of of smoke just on the top of the room And it was just dirty and raw But the energy in that place was fucking great And I felt lucky starting there like I said because carl was there to kind of guide all of us in the right direction And it was a great fucking scene man. I mean I mean carl was my first fucking mitzi Yeah, I was thinking of something the other day josh when I called you We were talking the other day And I was thinking about one of my most ridiculous days of my life like this is the most

Ridiculous day of my life. This had to be in the top five You leave seattle I got a job working for a company That sells advertising to pizza companies And they're gonna buy it into every they cut a deal with the nfl So on sundays when you're watching baseball or football or basketball This is 1997

You moved in 97, correct? Yep This is 97 96 because I came in 97. You were already here in 90. You came Oh, I fall in 96. Yeah. Yeah. You came september in 96 and Maybe three weeks. I mean I was lost without you you left and I was lost I was staying with carl. I was sleeping and fucking Because I was asking myself where the fuck was I living with the fucking cook. Yeah with the cook Oh, shit. That's where you were living. I was staying with the cook And that was great. That was like, you know, I think about I think about lee having to stay with that guy lee

We were fucking gone home Every night was something different either. He was the night I woke up and there was three black guys in the room smoking crack Yeah, I think I would have looked I would have fucking died I mean then he did Lionel Lionel Lionel Lionel was one of the best young men. He lives in new hampshire And he's reached out to me on facebook. Does he yeah, I think new hampshire or something like vermont new hampshire Something like that. Yeah, man. I would go there and spend a few days. I'm like, he was just a great guy He's just a great guy. Yeah. He was a big part of my open mic funnest

Yeah, like he made open mics so much fun. He'd cook you something. You were flat broke And you'd walk in then he's like I got some ram and turkey. I could whip you up the sand You fucking look like fuck yeah, and he'd sneak into you. He was solid And then if you missed the bus back to josh as I could sleep in his house And he lived in a loft the windows were broken It was freezing in there. You would sleep and it was fucking freezing in there. Yeah So before you left I get this you leave and this job opens up $15 an hour

Full-time I was like the king in there nobody could sell like I could sell I was calling on new york pizza powers. What's going on? Where's louis? I got this thing, you know, and I'm selling two or three an hour. I'm busting them I get them up to 18 an hour after two weeks. I'm busting it. I'm living on the fucking streets. I'm taking showers downstairs I think I even slept in the hallway one night downstairs I need this job if I could keep this job till december I get the fuck out of here moved to LA And sure enough carol starts her fucking bullshit Yomi money yomi money either. I meet me downstairs at five. It was a friday

She was doing something and I had a spot at the underground. I was Doing a guest spot for somebody at the underground She comes downstairs at five I get in the car with a We go to the fucking bank and she goes i'm not giving you shit And like well carol won't start you fucking shit with me right now And she goes fuck you and she rips The check at a car wash at the hurricane car. Oh, yeah She ripped the check and she fucking smacked me and I grabbed the bite of fucking hair like an animal that I was

And I just pulled the hair real fucking hard and she's like fuck you. I'm calling the cops So I start fucking running and there's a fucking I mean there are fucking helicopters It's crazy. So I hide in the trash can It was a dumpster the trash can makes it sound fun here. It was a dumpster. Yeah It was a dumpster. I jumped in the dumpster The thing and I sat in there with like a twig so I could get air And bro, there was cops everywhere

I mean, it was crazy. I sat in that thing For close to six hours. Who was that? Who was that big? Rico and the big cop upstairs the Puerto Rican guy. Yeah. Yeah, good dude And then I'm with this fucking garbage can six hours Stinking eating old pizza in there. Oh They threw like somebody's pizza Was in there like that. They need the whole pie like there was like three slices left. You bite your ass I was eating that pizza. You ate dumpster pizza. Oh fuck. Yeah. I was in there for six fucking hours

I get out. I'm like, whew I had like six dollars on me. I'm like, I'm taking a bus to the underground and I'll figure this out And there was a movie theater there. It's where I saw pope friction And as I'm walking up the hill the cops are hiding in the bushes. No They knew I was in the garbage can they took they come guns out And they arrested me and I spent the whole weekend in jail and they dropped the charges on friday. There was no charges Oh, because then she dropped the charge she dropped the charge to some bullshit happened And but I sat in that but the whole funny thing about it was that I jumped out of the garbage can

And I went into the hurricane And I called rico and I go rico. I'm in a fucking bind Now rico was six foot six four hundred pounds a black dude With a tattoo of a spider on his face designed with his beard. Yeah, so yeah, he he he Shaved his beard to it looked like a spider. Yeah to top it off. He was muslim I went with him to montana one time this white diner. He got up and got on his knees and started praying Rico was a nice guy But he was telling me he was a criminal from the Bronx and all the issues

I go rico picked me up. I'm at the hurricane. I go rico pull up to the hurricane. I'm at the door watching cops Making patrols. I'm like rico. I'm at that. I hang up the phone. There's no cell phones in those days Nobody had a fucking cell phone I'm looking through and I see rico get out of his car. He's waving in the middle of the street I go rico pull it up And as he pulls up something happened That's when I went running And I was I'm running the fucking cops came out with their fucking peace and arrested me

And I spent the weekend in jail, but I was in a dumpster From five to it had to be 11 I didn't make it to the jail to three in the morning to my fucking bunk bed And you smelled like dumpster and I had to wash a shower in there It was a clean dumpster the garbage was on one side. They just picked it up Yeah, there was fresh pizza on the other side. Aren't you listening to the story? I don't think it was fresh But then you go man This past weekend in cleveland

Made me realize how fucking Also, how fun comedy can be When you've worked hard Do you know what I mean? Like as much it makes me Weekends like this weekend, you know, jackie fabulous is yeah, so she There was a there would have been years past where I would have been like I'm not gonna want her to open in front of me because I'm not gonna want to follow that

But Uh I found now that thing that you're saying it doesn't matter who's in front of you It just doesn't doesn't matter anymore. I don't care. They like like Nothing bothered me more when I was a feature act And headliners would complain about me. Yeah, it would bother me in a weird way. Do your job It would bother me like There's a comic code and that's the comic code if you don't like it

Just switch positions Just come in be a man and go joey do me a favor I can't follow you. Hey by the way on the very first Um blue collar comedy tour Jeff foxworthy is far and away the most popular guy That the the tour is being sold, you know, nobody knew who cable guy was and bill angval and ron white They didn't know those guys those were by the ways it was foxworthy

and by the end of the tour foxworthy was like larry you should close because What's happening is ridiculous 20 minutes of him was just lighting the stage on fire, especially early on him I know most people like fuck you. I'm telling you right now You can laugh at in mock lair the cable guy all you want We counted one night man when I used to tour with him dude had 367 punch lines in his set 367 punch lines and he would turn a set over every 18 months. It's pretty fucking prolific man He also had writers

Damn fucking good roger written houses a great damn good writers. Did I ever tell you what what jacob said to written house? No jacob didn't know written houses has a hook And jacob walked up and roger and I were at backstage talking and jacob was like eight or nine And he walks up and he's eating chicken wings and roger's talking to me jacob takes a bite out of the chicken wing He goes, hey, what's with the hook? And I go jakey, here he goes

Is it halloween like he because the only time he'd ever seen a person with a hook it was halloween, you know dog He killed on stage so funny Remember that petting zoo joe key told he used to kill on stage It's amazing that no, no, I wish I would love to hire a writer to help me but here's the problem the trust issue You know what I'm saying like the trust issue is big like I would love to pay somebody every week To come out a few nights that but then I gotta watch them and what the fuck they're doing Yeah, but you so what's so important for jokes for you is

Your voice is really specific Really specific, right? No, that's why I can't do it. Yeah, I can't do it Because you would even have to you would have to I'm assuming if someone's writing jokes for you You'd have to take the joke and then turn it into your voice, right? I would have to flip it. Yeah I would have to flip it a little bit anyway. It's tough. You know, I've I've Really, I know this is gonna sound weird, but really almost stop. I tell pretty much exclusively long stories You know fifth I tell some stories that are there's a story that I tell it's 23 minutes long

But I've really stopped writing punchlines Well punchlines pop up with the story. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If the story is real and you're telling the truth And you know what a story on stage like listen, I told the story about snorting coke with it With a cat and we little we we know we didn't look out windows. Yeah But that's a mildly exaggeration to make it funny. That's part of it. Well, you take the story and you heighten the reality Right. I did give the cat coke I did take a coke rock and he licked it and fucking ran away and then a month later He came back and licked it again. Yeah, so it wasn't that's what it was

I tell the story on stage that I was snorting coke with him. You got to be fucking crazy If you think a cat was snorting coke the Here's what I do is like I'll tell the story exactly how it happened For the first five times just to see which part of the truth works and which part doesn't right but then sometimes if Part of the truth doesn't work and what's important to me is just to keep the intent Right. So like I used to tell a joke about Jacob challenging me to a fight

Right and that he that it happens to every The premise of the joke is like Every man at some point in time when they're growing up looks at their dad and thinks themselves Oh, I could beat the fuck out of this dude, right? Everybody you look at their dad or or a mentor at least one time Like oh, I'm gonna beat the fuck out of this guy So there was a part where I was talking about my dad and my brother the first time I ever saw them fight And the reality is They were in the kitchen and my brother dan kind of pushed my dad and my dad

Pushed him really hard back. He picked him up under his Underarms and just ran him into the refrigerator, right? So the intent for my dad was Yeah, you might be able to do that to me someday Not today is not the day, right? That's his his intent in the story But the action of him picking him up and running him to the refrigerator Wasn't funny enough. It was almost too real, right? So I had to cartoon it up a little bit to make it funny and almost less aggressive

You know what I'm saying? So but the intent of my dad in the story is the same I had to change how he delivered the message and for me I'm okay with messing with that stuff as long as I keep the The core of the story the same the intent of the story, you know what I'm saying? And so if the character has to change his action a little bit but keep the same intent So it doesn't change the story for you. I'm totally okay with that too. Does that make you know what I'm saying? No, no, no, that's the same thing. I you tell the story

23 minutes I would wrap it around something and keep coming back to it because I don't want to hear nobody tell me a story for 22 minutes. I'll stab you in the fucking neck. It's three. It's one story. Yeah, but it's three different stories in the story Yeah, yeah, I can't have a 22 late. No, no, no. I'm telling me Yeah, it's three different stories in one. Yeah Yeah, it's it's I tell the story about going to Desert night that with the stones and the who and the and mccartney and neil young and bob dillon and uh Roger waters. I'm it's a story about going there for the weekend with my brothers

So there's a lot of stories. It's one story, but it's a lot of stories, you know that by the way that that weekend Made me I know this is gonna sound so bizarre made me really appreciate how good of a rock and roll band the rolling stones are dude I had never seen them live before. I don't hear their records And when they came out After the first song dany seen him a bunch he goes you're about to see the good stones. He said some stones concerts

Keith doesn't fucking care and they don't care He said uh, they're on fire I was blown I I I guess I had never I know this is gonna sound like heresy, but I had never given him credit Like I'm a who guy over the stones. I always had been Not after that weekend. No They the stones are the stones for a reason. Oh, I feel like when you look at the stones now If you're lee's age, you like look at these fucking old guys. Yeah

And look at what he's trying to do you have to Really look at the 75 three to 78 stones. What albums are those? That's in sticky fingers That whole run they did sticky fingers black and blue uh ending with some girls Like that was the that was that was the result like I still remember the destruction some girls was

Like i'm really surprised they didn't do a 40 year Because that's when they really were in the top of that game like that from, you know, made in the shade That one where they went to belgium or they went to hide to shoot the album because they owed the taxes and they Shooted and they went to jamaica to do black and blue like wouldn't that be great? If there was a little fucking comedy club in jamaica that you could say whatever the fuck you wanted to And you go to jamaica for six weeks and write an hour That would be great Take your friends down there bring a bag of reefer blow some chicks and just get a house and write a new album

Like a cat that's kevin heart type shit like i'm going to jamaica the smoke weed That's what the stones are doing musically. That's what people were doing then like if you read the aro smith book They would rent the house and wooster Oh, dude that walk this way. Yeah, that's a great book. That's a great fucking book And you know like they would all live in the house together. Yeah, they all did harrowing great book And and steve perry and the other guy weren't talking. It's my favorite rock and roll. That's my favorite book of all time They couldn't be in the same studio together. That is a great book. They were doing rocks. They were taping rocks They couldn't be in the same

So he would go in the studio in the afternoon because he would stay up all night doing harrowing when he was on rogan There was never more of a podcast. I wish I could have jumped when who was on rogan joe perry What about two or three years ago was on rogan? What and I was dying to call in and say ask him where he got the harrowing to shoot rocks Because that's the harrowing you want to do Rocks is a brilliant fucking arm. I mean one of the first favorite arrows without him No, get your wings. Yeah Get your wings. I think it's brilliant. The first one ain't missing a meal either

That did they had a they had a string of four or five I remember one day I went off on lee and used to seeing his face like he had never heard that type of talk before About what like I was like we were listening to uh, what were we listening to? Was it aerosmith aerosmith? Yeah, we listened to aerosmith rocks And my daughter wasn't born yet and lee came on and like listen to this and lee's looking at me all confused And I think after that talk lee went home. It's like, I don't know Because I went off these are dirty boston people I went off

I go you think you think of your struggle Think about the fuck on aerosmith You weren't just doing it. You weren't just doing a tuesday in worcester. You were competing the southx were good The red sox were good The fucking robruins were good. You know, everybody was good. The patriots were like, uh, andre tipping and whatever But everybody else you were you know, it's either go see aerosmith and go see the southx against anybody Anybody that's when they used to give 16 points at home. There was actually that that was just great There was a good music scene in boston then too. There was a great music. Yeah, but there was no twitter

No, there was no facebook. We know when those five guys went on tour like black sabbath and 75 They they toured they were opening for sabbath Can you imagine rocks and black sabbath 75 that first album tanked and then they you you've heard, you know that story I didn't know the first the first album tanked I think they said it sold something like a ridiculously low number And then they went on tour and they went back and they re-released The album would dream on and it blew up or maybe it blew up after they released their second album I think that's what happened. It died a slow death

They they toured and they toured heavy. You know, they toured heavy. They did an old school. Yeah, no, no, that's when you didn't Yeah, well, you didn't get off the road because the drugs those listen bro sabbath wrote And like sabbath wasn't off the road when they did master reality like they did those in eight hours While on their way to san francisco, we're gonna stop in our land laying out now It's so bananas That whole lifestyle has changed like music has changed like even comedy now

You shoot a special and the next week you're on the road saying that material that you just shot the special for So now when the people see the special they've already seen that fucking material. Yeah The agents don't it's really weird when I watched that Elvis Uh documentary last week on hb a couple weeks ago when he's the captain said that line on the colonel Yeah, he goes. He's fucking wasted. So now just get him out there until let's get as much as we can out of him You're a piece of me. Yeah, you're a piece of this is what I try to explain to people that This is why you have to stay grounded in all areas of life because You're basically a piece of me and when you come to that reality, it's not a good reality for you

Joe i'm doing I I you know at my age and how long I've been in this town the fact that I've just finally figured this out But what you just said it's why I'm doing What I'm doing for my career right now. I do things I'm just doing things that I like I have a good time I'm doing things that I like and like I said, I finally figured out what it is that I do well and you know what I am I I it's kind of irreverent fun It's a little silly and I've really started to embrace it and when as I've started to embrace it man

I'm more comfortable with who I am than I've ever been in my life Now I'm more comfortable on stage. I still got my anxiety attacks. Yeah But I'm still it's why look my facebook fan page and this is I'm slowly turning it into a tiny little tv network On monday night. I have live programming. It's 7 p.m On tuesday night. I also have live programming at 7 p.m It's two things that I just love to do you might as well do it and people are starting your own little fucking. Yeah, man I'm pay attention. You know that periscope thing that you do I do that. Basically. I call it high live and for an hour on my facebook fan page at 7 o'clock on mondays

We're just shooting the shit listen guys. They cancelled Kevin can wait. I know they cancelled brooklyn 9 9 And they cancelled the mech. What's the fox stood behind? Brooklyn 9 9 they can't Brooklyn 9 9 and somebody made a comment and they said you were getting 2 million viewers On fox. What do you think you're gonna do on hb on NBC? The reality about this Joe rogan gets 7 million to 10 million people downloading his podcast. Unbelievable. They get more than brooklyn 9 9 So entertainment right now

It's coming at you from all over like right now. It's like it's like a subway sandwich You get a sandwich for two bucks. Whatever the fuck what five bucks or something. It's like reefer now. Reef is 800 a pound now Sorry, there ain't no more. There ain't no money in a grown-up No, because it's everywhere. Yeah, the abundance is high. It's it's But that's why the importance is right. So you're never gonna get That only three network number. You're never gonna get no that's those days are done So what you have to do is as an entertainer and this is why You know, it takes a long time to get this comfortable

You have to figure out who you are And do that and play to your niche. You're not playing to a third of the country anymore You have to play to the people that's which is what you've done, right? You've found the people that love you and are loyal to you and to what you're and who you are And that's what it is. That's what entertainment is now. You're not ABC who's only three networks. So I guess 40 million are gonna watch because there's nothing else to watch Your niche finds you now a million and if you don't know who you are now those are the people who are really floundering because

There's no voice to pull people in you have a very specific voice it pulls people in And so when you start to figure out who you are you start to draw people in and that's with the dude That's why The last year has been such a crazy growth for me not just personally but professionally because I've finally started to I'm not drawing. I'm not searching people out anymore. I'm just Being who I am and they're finding me There's a difference. There's a difference the hardest thing to fathom And I tell people this all the time on twitter and they must look at me like i'm an asshole like when they ask for advice

It's the most basic thing that they tell you here Not the most basic thing about this thing is Be yourself. Yeah, that is the hardest thing hardest thing. Yeah thing to ever be in your life Because you don't accept, you know, you're not gonna like me If I say I fucking don't like fucking alligators Somebody's gonna be mad that somebody don't like you. Well, guess what somebody's always not gonna like you Even if you're perfect, even if you're fucking perfect people don't fucking like you

They're gonna find a reason not to like you So you might as well be happy and float your fucking boat When you when they came to me and said when when jim masala told me the first day I was here I should move to las vegas that I have no business being here and i'm a cabaret comic Do you know what I felt like? That shit Death yeah death like a club owner to tell you that I didn't listen

And now he sees me and hugs me and I'm his buddy. I have nothing against him I love him. Yeah, at least he was honest with me and then blow smoke up my ass like most comedy clubs did But it was the truth like it was the truth and You have to fucking find your voice Believe in it stick to your guns And tell everybody go fuck themselves. You know why else look at wheel walker Look at wheel walker that he's opening up a kid rock on the tour. Yeah, he didn't give a fuck. No You don't not give a fuck you put your head down

You move forward and you you got a fireman's hat on But two by fours are bouncing off your head Two by six four teens are bouncing off your head choices are bouncing off your head You that's just life and you know what you hope for the best and you believe in yourself and you Always have the distinction that I don't know I don't know that you're not going home beat up. That's the thing though like So what for me one of the scariest parts of being yourself Is that look if you're not being truly authentic to you and somebody doesn't like you it doesn't hurt as much

Doesn't hurt because because you're like, well, that's not me. They're not they're not saying no to me So when you put yourself out there when you really put your authentic you out there when someone doesn't like that That's the scary part because then they're saying You know, oh, that's me. They don't like but after a while you got to be like that can't you can't Change who you are to try to placate other people That's that's not a good way to go through life. You're gonna fucking hate yourself I've seen I've sat next to people at restaurants and listened to their conversations And I've done everything I can not to hold myself from going there some bulties knock it off

Just be yourself. You're not that guy and you're definitely not that guy. Yeah, just be yourself with the cap inside and the fucking What the fuck are you doing? You just wait, you know, how long it's gonna take you to realize you're spinning your fucking wheels That's what it was. Thank god that I had the comedy store like that So I could just go up there and say what the fuck I wanted to Because she encouraged that that made me go into clubs and go. What are you talking about? Go fuck yourself I remember one time I went to houston the other club They paid me 1500 bucks for five shows. Is that the one that that dude used to own? Yes with the daughter. Yeah and I went to that club and

The first night he wasn't there the wife was there and she came in And she was like, oh by the way We were clean here and I go, uh And she sat there and watched me from 10 feet away and I had a bag of dicks I mean, I had such a bag of dicks like I was just embarrassed And the next time I went in I go, you know what? This fucking club don't mean dick compared to mitzsche. I'm doing my thing. I ripped him apart I remember I never went back because right in the front row some chick I could see her laughing

And then I could see her fucking left eye closed and then all of a sudden I just seen the barf on the stage That's how the show ended the first night Her barfing on the stage and it going everywhere all over the stage And she's barfing the people around there getting up and running and she's just sitting there with barf on his shirt And I'm like, I'll never fucking play here again. Joe this weekend at hilarities Some dude was fingering his girlfriend in the second row for the almost the entire late show friday And you were watching it the whole time and somebody was like, why didn't you say something? I was like, it gave me something different to look at, you know, I'm not used to seeing that

What am I they're not bothering anybody. They weren't being disruptive. It wasn't loud What about in columbus a guy had a seizure from edibles And kate was on stage And they had a coming with an ambulance and they take the guy away and the four guys like fuck them We're not gonna They didn't leave no, they stayed to watch me kate had a It took 20 minutes for the ambulance to get into the building I go she's like what the club came on like listen, it's gonna take some time

You want to cancel the show and I go no Let the ambulance go out there kate go out there and do eight hard And just bring me up and it was perfect And afterward the guys the guys came up to me like fuck him He told me not to eat that fucking animal Thank you very much for coming on today. I always appreciate it. Thank you so much. You know, I'm gonna I'm headed to Providence tomorrow. So I'll see you motherfuckers in Providence And that's it. That's that you got any dates you want to promote on here?

Yeah, I'm in at the Addison improv this weekend, which is the 17th and 19th and the weekend after that over memorial day I'm in san francisco at cobs. I'll be there with my beautiful wife bethany And then one night only in houston June 6th at the improv and I'm given half of my money to recover houston So more people means more money for the charity. So come on out to that show. Thank you, brother. You're a good man Uh christ killer sick of more tavern tomorrow night eight o'clock By the time this comes out it was last night No, that was last but if you if you're if you're listening to this the day it comes out

I'll be at the ontario improv with the smash brothers tonight. All right. Look at you You'll be at that time improv with the smash brothers tonight. Hell yeah All right, don't forget You're looking for a fucking quality gi fuji sports.com is the way to go That works. They're big the a5 now i'm an a5 a couple more weeks. I'll be an a4 and I'll be ready to rock I got a new gi. You know what I'm saying? All right. I love fucking fuji stuff. They're the only gi I wear Whether it's a super rato or the fucking Sakai or just a plain one They're my favorite gi they're light you could breathe

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Yeah, we'll go to the road. How's it gonna have a real A good time Yeah, the back of the road. I forgot some of the love Oh Thanks for the people Let it roll all night long Oh I feel my soul

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Let it roll, baby Let it roll Oh