Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #589 - Donovan Patton

Episode Date: May 31, 2018

Donovan Patton, an actor heard on many popular video games such as GTA V and Halo; and seen on Blues Clues, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Hims - Go to ForHims.com/joey for a trial month of everything you need to keep your hair - for just $5 while supplies last.   
MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your order of first order with free shipping in the US and Canada. Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.  Recorded live on 05/30/2018.

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Again, that's for hymns.com slash joey. Keep everything together. Keep the hair on your head Keep that And kick this mule Oh shit Wednesday the 30th of May It's over When I'm fucking around today it's a church of what's happening now bitches I

Know you do relax Last time jews started dancing jesus is dead stop dancing. Here we go. Huh what? Tell me what you need me I can go to no one knows It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive if you haven't seen Steven Tyler on the Joe Rogan podcast you're slipping out I learned a lot my guest today is the beautiful my man Mr. Donovan fucking Patton hey, and the christ kill is here. Hello. Good morning ready to rock But the most important thing is I love this guy. He's the most interesting guy I've met in LA the last three or four years

Like at first I saw him and I'm like this guy's just a fucking nice sweet heart of a guy And then he moved to new york for a while and we did the show and got them and he came out And we had to drive over the guy and I'm like this guy's the real fucking deal Like he knew his hand around the city. He knew where he was going And you were raised here. I wasn't raised anywhere. I'm a military brat. So I'm like I was born in Guam Like I I don't have a hometown I I lived in new york for about 16 years. I was born in Guam We moved to colorado springs and uh aurora in denver. That's where my mom's from my father's from utah

and uh and then and then They divorced uh when my mom got remarried. We moved to germany Moved to vegas lived in vegas for three years moved in napa california But then I ended up going to this boarding school in michigan And then I moved to new york after that well jersey city and then new york city after that So I bounced around and then I you know when we moved here moved back to new york then moved here again Can't stay in one place. I haven't lived in the same house for more than two years for my entire life Oh my god, it's kind of crazy. That sucks

Are you happy you're pretty much settled down down? Yeah, I think we're done for a while We got kids now. So it's like we gotta we gotta try at least to stay in one spot for them for a little bit I think now tell these motherfuckers What you did for years because that was the most interesting thing ever when my wife was telling me Right. I had no fucking idea. She filled me in. She knows. I don't know dick about dick Uh, I did blues clues for for eight years. Uh, I did a show called blues clues I took over for the the first host is dude steve and then uh, yeah, how old was steve when you took over? I don't know. He was in his 20s

I want to say I was like 21 22 when I got that job So and how'd you get the job fresh from an agent called you and yeah going there or they saw you somewhere Yeah, no, it was it was just a regular audition. I was I was doing plays in new york and waiting tables And it was like the one that worked. I was up It was I was up for blues clues and Blair witch 2 At the same time and remember being really psyched about my Blair witch audition because I got to make out in that audition and uh Yeah, it was like a weird thing like, you know, you know, I don't know

I got to meet the director this guy joe burlinger who's done some amazing documentaries He did uh, you know some kind of monster and and I don't know some some pretty heavy stuff And but I got to meet him and I used to work at this video store where I would deliver skate on a skateboard Delivering videos around the upper east side. It was like silly So I got to meet this dude who was movies I loved and then uh, uh, and then on the whole flip side of that completely opposite to all of that I was up for this show blues clues that I didn't know a whole lot about And so, you know, that's that's the one I landed and I'm like

It was something I never intended to do kids tv Ever nobody does. Yeah, nobody wakes up one morning. You know what man? I'm gonna fucking be a disney actor Some people do and and well, you see it. You see it. They go from show to disney show It's the world of kid acting Yeah, it's fucking nuts Well with kids it's it's different, you know with kids it gets to be like a whole weird thing

You know because half the time you're like, dude, are these kids actually into it? Like, you know, I had the opportunity to meet a couple of kids doing interstitials, uh We were basically just commercials and stuff like that and I met these two kids um Mackenzie and zoe I don't know their last names and I probably wouldn't say their last names But but they were loving it Most of the other kids that were on set that day

You could tell it was just like a little bit of work for them and their parents were really getting them into it These kids it was in in like around the south street seaport in new york in february And it dumped about a foot of snow that whole day and we were sitting outside shooting part of it and they didn't care So some kids love it. It's great. You know, you have children now. I do. Yeah, I got a uh, I call them frankincense and mur In the public now Would they came home and said we want to act

My daughter's done some voiceover auditions and stuff like that. Like my my voiceover agent sends her auditions She does a great job too. Yeah, she probably does. Yeah, she's got they do it right off the natural They don't need an acting coach. No, they read it how they see it Now, what about if she told you she wanted to do in front of the camera? I mean She she's talked to me about that a little bit. I'd be okay with it Is all if she if it's what she wants like I just don't want to be me pushing that agenda on her I think that's where the problem is. Is that if that's some unrealized dream of a parent?

I mean, I don't know. Isn't that with a lot of things? Could be football could be whatever. I never You know, I don't know you never think of acting and then I came out here and I started acting And the first couple things I did I didn't know this deck. I was just happy to be there. Yeah, and then I started landing rolls that involve kids And I'm a hands-off kids guy like, you know at that time I was Probably dating terry and I was going through my own shit with my oldest daughter So I was like, I ain't talking to fucking kids kids the last time I talked to

But every once in a while you have to talk to them, you know, you have to talk to them You're in a scene with them or and I get to see their parents Yeah, and I get to see the story, you know After a few days like when you were a kid on set for one day, you really don't see shit It's after a few days, you know first off a kid can only shoot like four hours, right? Yeah, there's something weird like weird. They have to get They have school on set don't they? Yeah, there's teachers on set. There's teachers on set and a dog. I like I've done I did a string of movies with kids

And the teacher on that set was creepy that really? Yeah, because this this this production company was cheap So they always hired the cheapest To do things and the teacher they had I could tell he was like a molester Like I could tell like I was looking at him going all this motherfucker I had my on them the whole fucking time But then I did tv shows with kids. Yeah, and that's when I noticed the creepiness When Joe you've told me a story about like a an audition you went on right here on ventura with a woman on the floor

15 years ago Right there where they auditioned people in studio city for commercials. Yeah. Yeah building I think it's next to all can harry's or something sure. It's a big big fucking place where it was a day like this Where it was drizzling out going to rain back to drizzle And when you had you had to park a block away and fucking dry like walk a block Like it was packed. This isn't the height of the audition stage where you were going to two commercial auditions today Like you would believe them one and they'd be hitting you up to drive to

Bundy Because they're looking for a hand model. You know shit like that 545 This is crazily. This is pre 2005 where you went out A ton in this town a ton if you had a heartbeat and I went to this fucking place it was raining out and I walked in and people in there sardine Yeah, like they're sardines, but there's a little asian girl Beautiful, you know gotta be eight nine. You could tell what kid's gonna be a fucking star. Yeah, and I got no problem with that

The problem I had is that she had her headshots Like 22 of them laid on the floor And she was taking this much area The room other people were standing outside and the mother didn't say nothing Was it all the same picture or was it all different and her little girlfriends were picking out pictures I think he creeps out the kid a little bit if the kid is not prepared For that situation if you take that kid past a certain level Well, I mean it's you're asking them to do an adult job. It's weird. It's a job, you know, it's it's a strange thing, you know, it's it's

Doing plays or something can be fun if you're doing them at school or something like I don't know Right. I started wanting to act in junior high, but that's a world away from from I don't know something with it. We're young something that we've been talking about a lot recently is How what this town can do to you and how like how some adults go crazy here? I can't imagine growing up from that and being eight Or being four and then from your you literally your entire life people are kissing you're out doing whatever And like maybe that's why there's a lot of child actors who have issues Because maybe at 20 something they don't get some gigs and they're used to people being certain ways

You know, you've seen it We've had a few fucking crazy people in this fucking place that yeah, they were child actors and you see the difference It it does something to you. I don't know if I want Mercy in that world, right? I just don't even I don't even like it. Yeah, I don't even like the parents Like where I went to breakfast this morning There's women that live like they're fucking Mariah Carey Because there's a writer on a show and my behavior is unacceptable in my world Like how they drive around studio city and how they pull up their sideways

Yeah, they pull up and they're double par and they just don't give a fuck and at the end of the day Your husband's just like me. We're just a piece of meat. Sure. I don't know why the fuck you're driving around acting like, you know The town drove that lady crazy. She started believing the hype at the parties and shit like that I can't imagine what it does to a young mind, but My point in this whole fucking thing was There was one show I did where I recurred and that was the first time I saw the creepiness of

It's like the kids are puppets for the parents and I'm not saying I'm not saying all of them. I'm just saying like out of the five kids on that particular show Two of the parents were beyond creepy But then I did a guest star on another kids show And I had a great experience the director was fucking phenomenal. Yeah, what how he worked with those kids was brilliant The only thing I found weird on that set was the parents That one was the all that was this was the pinnacle of The biggest kid company, which is disney. This was one of their hit shows

And I talked to the one mom first of all on shoot days You think the mom's gonna shoot Right You think the moms are gonna shoot the moms all of them have fake tits All of them have liposuction. I mean they believe they're hot What people call milfs, you know hot whatever hot white women. I don't fucking know like these are milfs Do you think they dress up to try to get discovered for the show?

I don't know how you don't understand it But then you talk to them and they'll tell you the different situations Like where are you from your accent seems and I told the girl North bergain new jerseys. Oh my god. We live in we hawk it Yeah, and I go really and she goes well, we're original. I go I thought you guys were from south carolina. She said oh, we're originally from south carolina But because of his acting we want to be close to the city. So we rent this right over the bridge Yeah, they rent the studio

It's like 2000 a month and I go where's your husband and she's like my husband's back working We're out here while he's fucking busting his ass in whatever town he's in with his construction company Sending money up so timmy could have his dream of acting So the kid was doing like plays in new york So the mom would get up with the kid and just haul off to different cities. He was telling me the story It was like being like a like uh, like your daughter's like in softball only for acting Yeah, but you see it like the parent

Was maybe a failed actor or maybe never even fulfill that dream So they pushed that dream on their child and you see it Yeah That's I mean, I don't want to tell anybody what to do ever In my home like I kind of lived my entire life to try to never ever tell anybody what to do And that's weird as a parent because it's sort of your job to help try to Get them to be a fully functional adult at some point But but yeah, it crosses a total line whenever you you're putting your dreams essentially onto another person

They got to grow up and be their own person. I don't I don't know. It's not like I Anytime I feel like I say anything like I know what I'm talking about when it goes to parenting. My kids are young I got a skip to the end of the book. I feel who knows how that's going to turn out. Listen, man When people when I think to myself that I'm a parent. I just shake my head. Yeah, I can't believe I'm a parent I can't after all the things and the craziness I lived Now I got to tell some child how to fucking live. I'm in the same boat as you I guide her a little bit. You know, I wanted to learn how to protect herself Yeah, I want her to um

Is she doing jujitsu? Yeah, she doesn't even comprehend it. Today's her last karate class. Nice at the school Okay, but she doesn't get it guys. So and I can't push it on her. Yeah, she's a sweet kid. I can't Change her fucking dna. She really really really is a sweet kid. Yeah and I've uh Seen her lately Like yeah, that meant she's we went and the kids wouldn't share with her the blackboard And she said fuck it. I'll sit here and wait until one of them is nice or whatever

And then one of the kids left and she picked up the chalk and she went to her own little corner And she don't bother nobody, you know, it's gonna It's gonna shock her when a kid does something mean to her. I see how she reacts. She's still mad at a kid from two years ago Hahaha Really? Oh, yeah She's the only one there's a kid at her school now that keeps busting her balls, but everybody's balls He's become a real pain he has I feel bad. I feel bad for the parents. Right. I feel bad for the parents, but

You know, when you talk to mercy, she fucking gets pissed off about Without ballet, there's another ball buster girl in ballet And she's got to tell the girl like knock it off You know stop it, you know, but she stands up for herself, you know, it's like a little bit, but I could tell she feels bad She feels bad later on. I asked her I go, what does that girl break your child? She's like that It's too much It's just too much. She said it to me in a funny way that I it was like, okay

This is my daughter. Yeah, you know, this is my daughter. She gets it. I understand. She don't like people breathing on She don't like people moving around too much. Like lights do blow I hated people moved around a lot around me Like I tell like if they physically move around you if you come over sit fucking still you get up to go to the bathroom I don't want no dancing I don't want no looking out windows. I don't want no fucking nothing. All right It makes me nervous. All that shit made when I'm home with my daughter. She's running around. It makes me fucking nervous I thought I'm 15 times the same thing. God damn playground. This is a living room with points

Don't I tell I ask, you know You know those little points on anything a table all of it. Yeah, absolutely. Can you can't relax from there around? Well, it's all eye level right now too, right? Yeah, she's gonna bust her eye Oh, she comes into the room the office and fucking jumps around and you know In the office, I got to watch it because I got everything in that office. I got knees. I got Sizzles. I got a stapler You know, I got vitamins. I got this set of soft You know, you have a big glass thing in the on the corner. Yeah, the big thing could come down

So I tell her you got to be careful and shit But it's uh, I don't know I don't even want to tell her I do stand up. Like I don't want to understand what I do Is she's gonna have to experience that at some point though, right? What's that? Like she's gonna be able to find it or you know, like like because your stuff's all online Yeah, but does that change how you I mean, I don't I guess it probably wouldn't no won't change what comes out of my mouth It scares me a little bit that eventually she's gonna find that stuff But you're gonna have the benefit of like talking to her beforehand

You know, like you talked to her every day, you know, so like every day. So she's not gonna I don't know grow up To me between you and terry, I feel like she's gonna grow up and know how to just stand up for herself Like you're saying, you know, you have to you have to have your child stand up themselves. I don't want to I don't want her to know about the stand up early on Yeah, because I don't want her going into class and acting like the fucking ass class clown That means the world to me that she doesn't go in that And thanks because I do what I do. She could act like a fucking clown in class. That's not acceptable in my world

Yeah, so that's why I want to take her away from that. I mean if she comes to me one day and she goes talk to me about stand up I gotta talk to her about it. Yeah, I have no choice But I gotta be honest here. I've seen daughters Of comics that try to do stand up and all that stuff And it's a disaster It comes from a different place It comes from a different place because as a comic maybe

And I'm not talking about this in general. Maybe This is why I take mercy so seriously because as I see I've seen the daughters of famous comics Hmm The dads are on the road that dad's missed a few birthdays because they're on the road doing a show. Yeah, you know I want to do that. But on the other hand, I don't want to do that. I just want to be a regular dad. Yeah I mean, it's yeah, it's such a mix but at the same time I I wrestle with that as a parent a lot too Just in terms of of how much you want to Be there and be involved and because my schedule is irregular

There's sort of this this idea that my wife and I have we both have irregular schedules That we should be there for all of it can't miss any of it. But then I also think they're gonna have to grow up And you're gonna have they're gonna grow up watching you and and don't they want to see you doing something Essentially, like, you know, they're gonna have to want to go see you like a capable person. My wife always My kids were younger. She she would have to she's a photographer So she would leave town every now and again and she got really upset about everything she missed and I said They're gonna grow up and they're gonna see this woman who built her own business

They're gonna see this woman who basically is like fully capable completely professional and like knows what she's doing That's the model that they're gonna have. So, I mean, I mean, who knows like you gotta be you can't be gone all the time But I feel like I don't know everything about parenting I'm completely split in half about me because you don't I mean, we're not gonna know until they're 20 30 something Like I was like if what we did work, but I've been around so many people That I've been broken including myself. Hmm. And I know where the gaps were Yeah, you know, I know where the gaps were when I first turned

When I was first a parent When I was 27 years old, I wasn't ready for I wasn't even ready for life. Never mind parenting Parenting was about money What you could buy the child And shit like that, right Sort of how my childhood was no way I like the other style of parenting. You know what parenting is watching tv with your kid for now helping them with their own work

Taking that walk with them to men. She's yeah Being at their fucking events You know, letting them know you're there when they look to a certain place. They know you're there You know, they're always in comfort, you know Things are gonna pop up Yeah, things pop up Things pop up But I want to be like this year. I missed a welfare

At the school. I did too. Okay. I missed a welfare. That sucks dick That's her day. I gotta be there. So next year I gotta look around that date and not book at that date and these little things that I'll continue to fucking do While I'm doing comedy because I know how much my presence is important If not, she's gonna be searching for those answers at comedy club is 20 years Well, don't I told you saying I mean obviously your presence is very important But I I grew up with some people who whose parents were always there

To a point where when they get to be 23 when they're moving out of college Or even when they get to just college they kind of lose it because they don't know how to do laundry. They don't know how to just Survive by themselves a little bit. No, no, no, no. I made my kid change attire the other day No, no, no, no, I got mercy mercy cooks. She brings the laundry to the thing She does all that shit and as she gets older That's listen, man Like I say a thousand times and I was 12 In the summers

I would get up and my mom would give me a mission And that mission wasn't a pleasant mission Those missions taught me how to pay bills like she would send me to pay the mortgage And walk Right like walk like this is going to take you four hours You had to like go to the bank. Yeah to pay the mortgage and then take the cash. Whoa She paid me. You know, she paid everything with cash. There was no checkbook checkbook for our business So just the test of carrying the thousand dollars in my pocket at 12

Just a test of me and well, I let somebody, you know, when I was Five in new york this same chain my mom would put on your neck. Who puts a chain like this? No on the kid's neck when you're five in new york city. Is that the one from when you were a kid? No, but it was the same chain with except santa lazaride diamonds in it I was too cheap I didn't want to spring for the diamonds and the asalacha and my mom would say don't let nobody touch that So you sent me with a thousand dollars. I would have come back with a wheelbarrow for the big league chew Yeah, she would have been horrible whatever the mortgage was once a month. I had to pay it

Then the next week I had to go pay the phone bill and the electric bill By the time I was 10 By the time I got out of catholic school like when I had my little beef at catholic school and I came home They were not very happy They were like, by the way life has changed here Hmm the time zones the hours have changed here Because whatever retired Pepe in siego the the but the day bar 10 there or something My mom has split shift in the morning

So she's like if you want to eat dinner now, you got to come up to the bar. That's number one number two You want to wear this clothes? You better start washing bitch Because I don't do the little laundry till sunday now because of my schedule So there's something you want to wear you better learn how to wash it and right then in there We went downstairs and she showed me how to do the washing machine the whites the colors What water temperature the soft nerve by by by just like when little soprano moved in with Tony Remember and he goes just write down what you want

Go to the supermarket and I reimburse you When I moved back from catholic school, it was a different world. Yeah when I went into the sixth grade It was it was all my own ironing I had to do my own ironing like if I want to close during the week with creases in the pants I had to set up a fucking ironing board and and that's next level. I was like, yeah, she didn't fuck around She was like you got thrown out of catholic school Now you got to carry that load on your shoulders And I I never forget that first summer like my friends were going swimming

I didn't I couldn't go swimming how to go pay the mortgage And she would say the quicker you leave The quicker you get back to go swimming Hmm, and then I watched the sampler this summer red fox said it's a job Do it and get it over with and I'm like, he's right So I would get up like at six And start walking up the hill at six get arrived from somebody's dad And I'd be there at eight when the bank opened

I'd pay the mortgage and now I'd walk back down the fucking hill and I figured out how to do it, you know Hey, bro, you go up over the hill in the daytime. Yeah, I go all the way to 60th and bergen line. Perfect Drive me off on 60. Are you here to walk the bergen line that the whole way? Yeah Yeah, I'll walk I'll walk from 60th and bergen line to I think the bank was on 56th tree this summer And then I walk on from 56th tree And I cut through the cemetery and I'll fucking cut an hour off my time The other ones were easy the phone bill was easy And I leave mine going there because it was next to a diner

That made a blt that rock you fucking world And I creamed a turkey soup that would put hair on your balls even in the summertime You were an eight year old getting a blt at a diner by yourself 11 11. That's hysterical Oh, well that would come home on the weekends. I would walk to the four star after a brusley movie At nine I was nine Gotta remember brusley died when I was 10 guys. Yeah. Well, so all those movies I watched at seven eight And I would go to the late viewing of chinese connection So I wouldn't get back to the bar until 115

Do you actually think I would let my eight year old daughter? No go to the movie theater and the movie theater was let's say, uh Uh We're talking about uh What does everybody know on Lancashire? Give me a the lamell center or whatever like Lemley, okay. We're lemley The movie theater in contrast to the bar like if I went down Towards hollywood instead of going north to sullen

I would probably have to walk down to the church. What's that church past more park? Oh, right, right, right. What were that thing for your car? That's how far was the christian nursery school church that whole thing or no right by ernie's tacos Yeah, right by more park. They have like uh, what's that street? More parking colfax or no more parking linkership like parking linkership. They have the fucking coffee shop. Oh, oh Yeah, uh, barma. It's in charles bore mail the coffee bean. They got a gas station across the street They got a mcdonald's there, don't they? Mm-hmm close by. I hate that. I know this but the mcdonald is on riverside riverside I know that too

So would be riverside To the lemley my mother's barn. I would walk okay, and I would walk back at one in the morning Would I let mercy wow go to that movie theater? I don't think so. It's not that long of a walk but at one in the morning for an eight year old That's a long fucking walk. Yeah, no four eight year olds five of us Maybe a nine year old a 12 year old It'd be a gang of us. That's the other thing Well, that gets better and just in terms of like, you know

Safety in numbers it was except for like the stupidity level of what could possibly happen between all of you totally raises We would leave there. Were you going to a bruce lee movie? You leave there fucking ready of stabs You're fighting each other down the street. Yeah, we're talking about fucking yelling and screaming and fighting at each other What made you get into acting at what age did you I? I got in it like eighth grade I took an acting class in eighth grade because my brother had done one. Where was this before this was in vegas Okay, and before that I just I wanted to be a soccer player like I had no thoughts other than maybe I'm going to go to college someday I want to play soccer through high school. Hopefully in college something. I I didn't no idea

Like I don't know we moved around. I I knew I didn't want to go into the military I knew that much I would get suspended from school before that when we were living in germany and I would have to to go like in where my My stepdad was working and it was like the most boring experience known to humankind And some of the people he worked with were just crazy So I was like, I don't want to go in the air force. I know that much and then uh, so I took this acting class and um I don't know because there were girls in the class basically that was that was it

Like, you know, my brother would tell me some of the stories that they had to read the year before and I was like And there's girls in class. So like, you know in vegas. It was a strange social hierarchy at that time Because the the athletes like weren't necessarily at the top of the food chain or whatever. Like it was strange. Like it was almost like, um, um Like real bad boys were the coolest kids and all the girls wanted like but but I went into that class Nothing that I did ever mattered like, you know, because it's like there's two guys in that class and then the rest is all girls and so that part of it was happy and um, uh Yeah, I did this this little one-act play

And um, and then somebody dropped out of the other one. They had me do that one So next thing and all I'm doing two of them and I knew right away that first night Um When we were performing just as soon as it was done. I got this crazy rush And I remember I can still see it in my head just like looking out at the audience And this is tiny little theater in a junior high But my teacher was this woman mary johnson. She also taught me spanish and she just she really Encouraged me and she was super supportive

And I I knew right then Like I kind of like I was playing soccer with like the high school team. They're like summer team I wasn't super great, but I was like good enough. I I used my left foot. So like, you know, they had a place for me essentially, um, and then everything changed like after that one night I knew exactly what I wanted to do and I ended up going to this summer camp called interlock and arts camp where I eventually finished high school and I just got woken up to a whole other world of stuff just in terms of of People who thought artistically and most of the people at that summer camp were were musicians

Um, but but yeah, so it's like eighth grade. I kind of I was lucky in that sense that I knew what I wanted to do at that age I didn't have to go find that in college or whatever I didn't go to college. I didn't get myself the option. I graduated high school and I moved to new york city And I went to an acting school Did it ever give myself no no second option? Did it ever waver? Did he ever For like a year where you're like, oh, maybe I'll go Do construction or maybe I will go to college or or were you committed the whole time? No, I always just knew that's what I was gonna do and I had jobs just to you know

Because I had to survive it was like the periods where I was living on people's couches. There were there periods where I was like You know like talking about long walks like in new york. I would I would have to go I got fired from every single job I would wait tables at all kinds of places and I get fired and sometimes rehired because I was an irresponsible employee Like I'd show up late all the time. I'd try to like schedule an audition or whatever But when I was there, I'd work hard. I try. I was never really that good of a waiter I got fired from starbucks from barns and noble. I got fired from all of them crazy when you realize what We couldn't do. Yeah

Like I couldn't do shit. I tried everything but I couldn't do shit And I didn't want to do it. Hmm Like once I got my mind that I could do comedy That was it. I was I would try doing jobs and there was just a waste of time Like once you want to do something Yeah Anything and you try to say yourself. It's just a job joey It's just a job to get me to that next level

Until I can make money doing that and you're like I'm gonna try to do this. Do you remember the first time like the very first time you ever went up in front of people? Yeah, like doing comedy. Oh, yeah First time I ever did anything was freshman year. I joined the intro to performing arts Oh, and there was a split level class like three credits, but half the year did something else I can't remember what the other thing was guys. And it was my first introduction to improv I don't know why I took it Don't ask me why I didn't like improv. I didn't like setting that live

Even though it's at this height with belushi. Oh, yeah, I still wasn't into that I liked stand-up comedy, but it was So far off the radar So far off the radar that that It wasn't even a thought process at that time. It was When I went into my freshman year, probably it was still Freddie Prince, Richard Pryor, George Carlin, David Brenner That was your

You know, you knew Don Rickles You knew The other guy that had the really funny guy the white dude that spotless clean. He's fucking hilarious You knew him and all Bob Newhart or Steve Martin. Yeah fucking Bob Newhart's out. I'm a great then. Yeah Steve Martin would I still have the button down mine. I have a cd. Yeah. Yeah, it's fucking Bob Newhart was the shit And you got uh, I letty bruce came later once I really started looking at the commie It came later, but the first thing I ever did for that teacher. She was a little lesbian chick She made me get up and sing shattered

By the rolling stone with all the shadoobies and everything. Yeah, it was the hottest fucking Song on the radio at that time And it was my freshman year or something like that. She made me go up there and I was like, wow I cannot believe but I had already In the sixth grade on fridays I used to sing in front of the class. I used to sing over Frankie valley songs I would put a nice like just scooping off or or the teacher told me she said If you either could fucking do this or do I forget the deal. She made me

So every friday I would come in with a jukebox with a fucking little record player Plug it in and I put on Frankie valley my eyes adored you Wow, and the michael jackson songs the early michael jackson shit. I would sing in front of the class So I had really no fear of You weren't nervous at all. Both of you guys never because to me I would I would have melted I I didn't like any of that stuff. No when I was younger. I had no I always kind of got my approval from whether or not somebody else was paying attention I don't know like whatever like

If people weren't then I started to feel crappy because if that makes sense. It's the total opposite, right? I thought The comedy shit now I thought about music for a while. Maybe play Playing an instrument seemed cool, but I always liked movies Yeah, I always loved all that stuff and I'm like, man, I wonder what I could do man And then I'd listen. I don't you know, there wasn't no internet so you couldn't read up on people But I read articles and different magazines on like, oh my goodness. I'm a fucking idiot

I'm an idiot. I can't do this shit. You know what I'm saying? Like you just didn't know and then I'm right there. I'm in the mecca of it Yeah, I mean now there's a show the was at the office That had a little Spanish guy on it. Yeah, uh oscar oscar. Okay. Oscar Nunes has a brother And when I was a kid his brother was the biggest deal in neighborhood Yeah, I can't remember his name is now but he used to Go to he's a model

And he would go to the city in the daytime to take pictures. It was a good-looking kid and then When he come back to jersey he would go to a hot dog stand on 30th And bergenland avenue, which is where the buses go to take you into the city. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah And I would see him over there. He had a street name though like Fabian or something he had a street name like they gave him the The cuban that was my first experience with it, but I didn't know you could take acting lessons in new york

I had no fucking idea I had no idea that even went on like that and then I had little by little I saw a soap opera guy once right And I'm like, oh shit Right in mad hatton. I saw like dexter dexter from From like I saw dexter dexter and somebody else from one of the soap operas dexter dexter was on dynasty But the other guy was on something else and I'm like, why are these guys here? Michael c-haul the actor guy?

No, no, no, no, this is way before I was like dexter. No, no, not even that. No, there's a guy named dexter dexter Oh, okay. There's a character named dexter dexter It couldn't be a cheesier fucking name and he was on dynasty Okay, and he was married to the chicken dynasty, but he was also banging the daughter All right, so That was his name dexter dexter and then There was a guy I'm like, we will watch general hospital I dated a girl and she liked general hospitals

So I would watch general hospital you get roped into that and one day I saw that guy not the singer rick springfield But some other guys from general hospital in mad hatton and then they put it together But at that time I was doing drugs. I mean quailudes. I'm robbing people. I'm like, what are my chances of being a fucking actor So I just abandoned the fucking thought Huh now how far after you got into acting did you get the audition for blue schools? Um Like not not all that far out of out of a like I got that job in 2000 and I had graduated from acting school in 1998 So it's like before that, you know, I was doing plays and things here and there You know, I got paid to do a couple of plays. I remember I had some like, I don't know

But at the same time I was on the border just messing it all up I was 18 19 and just totally irresponsible and like I was the only one of my family that was doing anything like that So I had nobody to kind of ask about what you should do what you shouldn't do and I was doing this play at the vineyard theater and I remember This this director was like, you know, it was a really amazing show And I'm still in touch with some of the people that that we did that with we were all super young and And it was directed by this guy michael mayer who directed, you know angels in america and and a bunch of just, you know

like spring awakening and and sideman and he was just a Like a broadway director and he's directing this off-roadway play and I was just messing up Like I was late all the time or whatever and he just like had to pull me aside and he was like You know, you're about to screw all this up, right? And at the time I was like, what am I doing? Like, I don't know. I was just so I was bouncing around just being an idiot and uh, uh, and and yeah, and then like a year A year later essentially is like when I got that that audition and before there was like a bunch of commercial auditions and stuff like that You know, it's like you never you never know what's gonna land at that point

You know, you're so young You know, it's it's it's such a crazy thing Well, I was I was just looking looking at it Um, because I was a little too old even for the original blues clues, but I remember the original But I was looking it up and it it said that you had like 1500 not not you but they they went through like 1500 people to try to find You like that that's That's a crazy. It's not like there was eight people in the room. It was you went through like a process Yeah, well, I mean it was a bunch of different auditions

They weren't like 1500 people like it wasn't like American Idol where they're all spilling out on the street, you know Um, that would be strange But yeah, I had no idea I actually I don't know. It's a it's a silly story. I have a vhs tape of one of my auditions of the screen test the final one And I need to get it converted because nobody has a vhs player anymore. I need to just like watch it I need to go back and see it because I'm convinced That I got that job because of a Christopher Walken impression

Which is the stupidest thing So I'm on set and and and they treated it just like they were doing the show is a green screen studio And it's like at this point. It's down to five guys and um, and and so One of the directors came out and and she said, you know, you sound exactly like Matthew Broderick And you're in this nervous situation. I'm like, what do I say? And so my mind starts spinning spinning spinning I don't I don't know what to do with that information

So I just go back to this thing like making my my buddy's like, you know laugh or whatever he says it funny People usually tell me I sound like Christopher Walken And just like the crew started chuckling and Steve did this slow burn to the camera And he pulled me aside and he said, okay So the next time they tell us to go Let's both do walking

Let's both do it and I was like You got it, man And so we went out and we didn't tell anybody so it's like we had to start the scene again and he's just like Hey Joe Yes, Steve What are you gonna do today? I don't know. What do you want to do? He's like you want to play blues clues to figure it out and like it's when saying the song's like

We are gonna play blues clues because it's a really yeah. Oh, yeah So we just kept going with our silly Christopher Walken impressions. I'm convinced that that's what got me the job they said it was some kind of you know Like marketing testing that they'd done they put they put like all the people in front of kids and they responded to me best It was I owe Christopher Walken. Thank you

Now how many episodes how would you shoot those once a week? No, it would it would be like six weeks on six weeks off They would write them and then you know They go through the storyboarding process and they make sure that they're all like around the right time and then we would do It was a wild thing to do because Steve had been doing it for years So it was the same crew they all knew what they were doing and we you know We ran out this uh this this green screen or it was blue screen at first and then later on when they changed the colors on my shirt it became like a green screen or a blue screen depending on what I was wearing

And um, we would do shoot for about six weeks. We get like Five six episodes done, but I'm doing the only actor on set. There was nobody else there It was me and then um, they would have one actor Um, both times it was this this woman like different women named katie So like they would do all the other voices. Uh, they were like just off the camera So we get all the timing down and I would show up at like 7 a.m. And I'd leave it about 7 p.m. At some point and we would shoot like I don't know 10 out of 12 of those hours It was just like a crazy process because it's like I would go and then

All right, they'd be ready and they'd move the camera And you know, it's just like whenever I could go again and then we'd go and you know How was your behavior on that show once you got on there? I I had to learn to grow up. I had to learn that's where I actually learned how to be responsible because At some point it was like I realized it wasn't just me When I was the only guy You know, you show up late and nobody can work like nobody can do anything

And so that's when I figured out essentially how to be a professional You know, it took me a while I was a I don't pick things up quickly. It takes me a minute. Bro. It take took me a fucking while too. You have to see it Yeah, you have to see how people act like I was given the worst advice Like a dear friend of mine came up to me and said listen all these meetings you go on after this movie Be there late make them wait for you Hmm That's how you become a star and I actually believed that I was late for like four meetings

And I'll make something isn't right here. It's not it's against who the fuck I am right What did that person do for a living? It was a comedian. It was a sensible comedian So you want you to do to develop some kind of uh air of victory or whatever it is like, you know, that I didn't like it Yeah, I don't get that part of it and he failed with it. So right it was uh, he failed miserably with it He failed miserably with the end of his career in many ways because of his Arrogance towards people and I didn't like it, you know, I didn't like it at all and then I saw it I see it over. He is like I was just at the stress factory and this disturbed me I saw that this comic was there and I go. How was it and they were like

it's fucking Uh I could bothers you that this guy acts this way really like you're not in the room Hmm like he's very nice. He'll come over and say li hi. I'm tata that Not even hi. I'm tata that and then that's it Doesn't talk to the staff doesn't want the staff to come into the green room. Isn't hungry doesn't want anything to drink Do not bother me, you know

You know, it's just And you come in you get him he goes up. He does his time he goes off No pictures no nothing Really? Yeah, doesn't want to be bothered. Don't doesn't want anybody in the green room Is what he's saying that brilliant to where like you have to put up with that not at all not at all Yeah, that's right. Yeah, so the arrogance that every level Balders the fuck out of a guy like me because you know, you put your pants on one leg at a time

Yeah, so it bothers the fuck out of me, you know, I used to think that about like the queen of england It was like at some point she's got to take a dump in that dress. Yeah, it's we're all just people We're just fucking people we As people sometimes blame That kind of cast system on our failure, but there's no real cast system No, we're all the same and we all get the same opportunities It's what the fuck you want to do with the opportunity or if you pick up the ball and run with it

Well, isn't it kind of like what what the what you allow? Because we I've been in situations where people are late and just me naturally I I'm a reserved shy person. So I don't say anything I think there's some people who maybe Joey maybe someone else who let's say someone was late or someone talked shit to them On a set and if you check them a little bit Maybe they like they won't act that way with you anymore because they don't act that way with everybody I think they probably are nice to their friends, but it's just what you allow people to do Like in powers and what was the last time that somebody checked you that you didn't get angry at them

For a few days until you realized They were really helping you out Oh, yeah guy on that That guy that when you got to do the play and he pulled you so yeah And he said what are you doing here? You know at first you walk away thinking just fucking Jericho But if you have any brains as a man and if your ego allows it You like that person just saved my fucking life. If I had any brains, I would have done it then It wouldn't have taken me another two years

No, it's terrible. It's fucking terrible what we put ourselves through. Well, nothing happens on your own like I My thought of it now is that is that you do whatever you can do and at some point Somebody else in your life is going to take a chance on you Someone else in your life is going to give you an opportunity and then your job like a lot of times as an actor But almost as anything is to make whoever put you in that room look good. Look good. Whoever took that chance on you make them look good Absolutely, and so it's it all goes together. I don't forget. I worked for my brother-in-law for a while He was sweet enough to give me a roofing job as a labor and when I saw him I checked the first time

I almost died. I couldn't believe what he was paying me. He was paying me thousands To do a labor's job and at that at that age of 30 Whatever I was 29 I decided That I'm not gonna be like every other brother-in-law I swear to god, I was like I'm not gonna be the worthless brother-in-law That job started at eight. I was there at seven I made myself be there at seven

Even though everybody else got there at eight I got there at seven I didn't do a lot of work between seven, but I was there with him. I'd carry the stuff and load it up Yeah, and I would leave last And I would do Double the work of everybody else or exactly or more than what they did Just because I was the brother-in-law and I didn't want to make him look bad. So way before I got into comedy I already knew the need to make people recommend you good Because these people are gonna keep suggesting you for shit. Yeah, they keep suggesting you for shit

Number two with comedy there's a guy named matt woods And he saved my comedy career by having a long talk with me that was very short and very like It was one of the best talks I ever got to this day, you know, I I Send him my love last 30 was in new mexico But that guy had a heart to heart with me that just sliced me in half about stand-up Yeah, like if you're gonna do it do it type of deal, right just go back to selling drugs

Like he was dead serious. Sure. He's like the shit you could do Yeah, but you want to fuck around you want to show up with a t-shirt and you don't want to write jokes Yeah, you want to cancel gigs? He goes, I can't even imagine and today everything he said was right Hmm that's how much the guy knew his shit He's like when you put your head to this it's gonna be fucking awful People gonna have a hard time with you like he was like straight up like I've been doing this for 20 years And I know when I see it You got it. You just don't want to put no effort into it because you're scared of what the result might be

And that's fine. He's like you could be a pussy all your life Yeah My inside shadows That's how you have to talk to people Either they punch you or turn around and walk away And they'll complain to their friends and they'll go on facebook. Somebody insulted me deeply this evening But the men and their ego is checked they'll go. Oh my god. He was right Well, yeah, he said that type of shit all the time like I'm too scared

To see what the result might be if you're a pussy just go like this on drop I don't know what has started crying instantly. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, because they're right. They're absolutely right when people talk to you like that And and people will weak will quit will never go back Yeah, because they'll never want to be put in that situation and that's too close to home to a parent It's too close. It's even tougher than a parent. It's it's that football coach. It's that yeah, like I've never I never want somebody to have a talk But the last person that I talked with me was rogan and I don't like it Nobody should have to have a talk with you about what's going on

Do you know what I'm saying? And those people that usually have to talk with you really love you to death. Yeah They're the ones that actually care. Yeah. Yeah, they really care about you And it takes them a lot like you've you've Stuck a fucking nerve when they're alive. It's like when rogan sat me down on that plane. I had nowhere to go Yeah, like I had nowhere to go. I had to hear this out and I didn't talk to him for a while I made the point. Eddie Bravo was the one that said dawg. What's wrong with you talked to him? Right. He's heartbroken. He didn't say nothing bad to you and he was right everything. He said was

Came out to the letter Hmm Well, how do I mean? I mean do you guys do that talk with people now? How do you choose because you can look at people Around you and you see 10,000 people a day doing things wrong or ways that you don't think they should do it How do you make the decision to like to have that talk with someone? I don't feel like I know enough to give anybody that talk right now I feel like I'm still learning in some ways, you know

That's I mean like going back to like what's difficult about parenting And there's like I don't believe half the stuff that comes out of my face sometimes But even even like somebody's just gonna call me on it. Even if you weren't a set And so 23 year old version of you you you like you wouldn't feel the urge to be like well not right away I have to get to know that person. Yeah, I have to get to love them And know that shit. I want to say to people. I just careful Like there's comics that I care about that. I want to go ahead man

Knock it off with that I don't have the heart to do that But somebody that I really really really really really care about And then go in a good direction. Fuck. Yeah. Tell them come here, man You're doing this. That's all good, but you can't keep doing this You're just killing yourself to live. How do I know I did it? You just fucking it's a tire and mud You just that's all you're doing. Yeah

Or yeah, yeah, if you see somebody like just destroying their own future. It's it's gotta be telling you to get out of that mud Well, what the fuck do you know? I wasn't a mud for fucking 15 12 years I know how to get stuck and I know how to get out Yeah I know how to get stuck in that mud for fucking years I can do it again. You want to see? Do you guys ever feel yourself?

reverting back to where you were like maybe maybe making a bad decision being late one time Like like do you guys ever and like check yourself a little bit? Why are you still? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. You seem like you probably Not late for anything anymore. You know, which is gotta be crazy. I gotta get there early Yeah, I get that, you know, somebody call if I call you and I go, hey man, I got a tv show for you. It's an abc show Yeah, okay The call time is eight. I expect you to seven thirty Sure

Because you're professional, you know, there's gonna be even if I go to cbs ratford Going at eight o'clock, you know, it takes you 20 minutes to park 20 minutes to park at cbs. Why what's it gonna take you at fox off of fucking what's that street? Oh, yeah on culver city Pico you know what it's gonna take you No, they don't let you and pico no more Oh, you got to go back to avenue of the stars And go down three lights and then make a left onto this shitty dead end street to get to fox

And you got to go on there and you can see the line like people the left hand lane is packed Yeah, because they got nowhere to go. Oh, it's just one street. It's just all the roads lead to fox. Yeah That's crazy. It's fucking crazy So you have to be there and even then you got to go park on like the fifth or the fifth floor or something like that You got to go way up. Yeah Yeah, you got to park you got to park close to the elevator because you plan on walking jack all those auditions You get there and you're like where is and they're like, okay, you see that street? Yeah go all the way to the end Then make a left and go away that and then the maker and you're like what?

And then after like two blocks the sun's burning on you see one of those carts one of those guys Oh, sure. You like dog. Do you know what? Come on up and I'll give you a ride. Oh Thank fucking god. Well, if you're in a studio like that, I always feel like I'm gonna get lost and then Once you if you don't know where you are it takes forever ever They're so big I worked on a show on sunset and gower And it's a studio and they have like weird little streets and houses. I got lost. I worked nights I worked at three in the morning. I was walking through the back of things. Someone had to finally come and rescue me

I didn't know I had it it's it's scary. It's fucking scary as shit Let me do some shout out to you. Yep No, it's great to get you on just to talk from that perspective Stioc Templar, I love you Veselius atomopolis. You bad motherfucker. He's on facebook rocking it the game jay everyday don wrangler Oat and meltdown Brandy lin gibbons. Don't forget keep donating She's making things happen lauren rosinker. I love you, buddy. Hope you're doing well Don't forget i'm at the calusa casino on the 16th. Don't forget eddie bravo and sam triply

Are at cobs this friday night if you're up in san francisco Go get ready some fucking uh conspiracy theories go talk about ghosts whatever the fuck you think they're Are they going on a sacramento the next night too? I think maybe I think so too. Well, let's get them up to cobs for right now and then We'll get them at the sacramento By that time sacramento sacramento is a smaller place Does he threaten to arm bar people if they're like if he has like, you know, no Chuck people I know

It would be nice to like have that like go tour with eddie because if anyone's gonna start shit You're like eddie bravo is here. Got it handled. It was actually pretty fun I uh, we did a class yesterday at a jiu-jitsu place and I was joking with the coach because right above his security Staker like this place is secured. It's just a picture of his jiu-jitsu logo And he says no one no one messes with them One one time one someone came in to steal something and they logged in and there are people doing jiu-jitsu and they ran away That would be awful I mean like

Just breaking into a house at random and you find out it's like it's like the sheriff of whatever town He's just sitting there cleaning a gun That would be horrible. What's he gonna steal from a dojo or either? You know like a sweaty mat like what are you gonna steal? You never know. What's yeah You never you never know the guy might have his mortgage paying for the destiny's rent on starbucks to get coffee Yeah, and you walk in And there it is. Remember joids the guy that drove us to new york with yeah, absolutely George is a dear dear friend of mine. I I love him with all my heart

In 1993 i'm living in bold. I'm not going anywhere like i'm just in a fucking pond and I move back And I stay with mike runny for like a month until his wife has the baby and once she has the baby I have to move him with george But george is on heroin That kid that drove us over was a fucking nutcase Right it was just bad So uh How do you get out of that? Oh my god, so uh

He's on heroin and it's a sunday. I'll never forget this and I had this little College girl friend. I was dating. I had been messing around with her in bolder for about a year and now she was living on By the by manhattan honda Okay on 18th and whatever that sure like all the way on the west side. Yeah on the west side She had a little but i'm the corner was good fellas pizza And there was a wild bar on that like 15th street. That was a wild bar and they used to do comedy there Was that coyote ugly? No. No. No. No. No. This was fucking a bar that just and I'll never forget being in there

And there was a black chick at the bar Like I had a couple of great times in there I went in there with a friend of mine one night. We bumped into two chicks to do open mic And next thing you know, my buddy had the girl on stage with no shirt on what and we're sucking the titties It's fucking crazy. It's this bar was crazy. It was a dirty open mic Like tuesdays and wednesdays from 9 to 11 I was just getting into comedy So to make a long story short, there's one sunday

I'm bored to pieces. I got 26 bucks I got a spot in the city And I can't go over now to get weed because I can't afford to go over and back You know what i'm saying like once I go into the city, I got to go into the city It's one o'clock I got to wait till five or six before I go into the city and those days I would walk over You walk over the george washington bridge? Oh, I would walk from cliffside park and then with terrace Oh my that's actually all the way to fort lee

It's stopping get a bagel when they had the fresh bagels right by the bridge Yeah, I get a poppy seed with a fucking I have a buddy who worked at that store that fucking store at fort lee diners right there And I'd walk over that fucking george washington bridge And I thought I was being really greedy. It was a safe way there like a supermarket there I read something and I go in there and steal like either tampons or a box of fucking uh a yeast medication

And you walk it over You walk it over the george washington bridge and you find the bodega on 181st street And they would buy yeast medication from your aspirin Because all the girls would see you would sell that's something I never ever thought there'd be a black market for black market for everything And it would be like the small 20 We were at we were at a store last night That a store that just had a bunch of stuff that was out It was just like I thought they were gonna put it away or something

But like joey was looking at looking at me like if this was 20 years ago. Oh, yeah, that's six cases of jack daniels Just on the street 12 bottles a piece The 20 bottle that's 200 a case. I can get a liquor store. There were six cases 1200 for six cases. Give me 1100 cash. I'll be out of your life forever Bag of chips on a lottery ticket, you know what I'm saying? That's how we lived plus they had 10 cases of you Plus a case of malibu room. That's a 1213 a lot of score in the old days real quick real quick. Just go get the car Just back it up. Yeah, go get the car. Go get the car. You know where we were parked

Where where we were parked last night, right? I have to grab it over to the gate like we owned the joint And I by where you're going to get the car. I'm bringing cases back And I just load them up And by the time you back up there's already four cases back there You just load them in like you own the place you can't do that now because there's cameras Right, they got you like I'll have to disconnect the 82 fucking cameras I got that type of time or wear a mask or something But then you're the dude wearing a mask and everybody knows something's weird. No, no, no, no

So unless you want to wear a mask all it's a sunday and it's a sunday. It's a beautiful day I'll never fucking forget this. I'm in george is already harrowing down It's got to be one or two in the afternoon in george is already on harrowing. He's going in and out of this harrowing And there was a lady right above us and she's in the backyard cooking hamburgers With like a fucking younger boyfriend giggling And she had like a kid that wasn't a husband that wasn't a kid's father And i'm watching this and I go if she's downstairs Where's her purse?

And I went out the front door I run up to her apartment because they lived right over us And I went for the door and sure enough it's open. I knocked first Nobody said hello And I and she's in the backyard cooking a boyfriend's laying out with one of those fucking guido things with the reflector. Yeah, they were the reflector And i'm like these fucking dummies and sure enough My purse is on the dinner table right when I walk in with a deposit slip with a deposit and no like she just cast a check

Oh, man, I just took the whole thing that had to be 800 miles and I went downstairs. You know me though I'm an old slide dog. I'm a degenerate. It's like you have a spider-man sense, but it's a relieving thing Yeah, it was terrible. I always walked into the right place And I went downstairs and I hid the money and I laid back on the couch like nothing happened And I watched them eat the burger and the whole fucking thing Oh my god sitting there going if I leave george is going to know I robbed them Yeah, yeah, yeah, I cannot leave this lady's gonna say something sure enough the barbecue ends They're not up there 10 minutes. She's knocking on the door with the cops

and and She's like looking for george because the whole building knew he was a junkie right right And they're like, where's george and george is fucking like what and she goes you robbed my money Everybody knows you're in junkie. He's like, I haven't left the bed You know, I've been sleeping all day and she goes you can even ask coco and i'm like he's been there all day And when she goes who are you and I go I've been here with him I haven't left three this goes well somebody went into my apartment and took my paycheck and I'm fucking howlin I'm howling inside. I'm dying to laugh because she doesn't even think about me. She's just blaming george

I'm surprised you didn't go down and be like, oh you're cooking cover burger and then you like share a burger with her Well, just no next thing, you know, I wouldn't I wouldn't have the guts to do that This is this one. I was crazy the cops couldn't press charges on either of us Even george said if you won't look around I have no money. I got 13 dollars. I took my I had like 26 dollars Where did he want 800? Downstairs in the basement in the garbage hidden And dog wants the cops left. We were back to the back room and george goes. I know you fuck I go, I know I know I'll give you 100 so I went downstairs I gave me yardstick and I shot over to the city with seven bills. I bought an eight ball

I got a whole time room in the city. She came over like a doctor, you know me My scam was all right, this is Scam, this is ridiculous. I I was like sneak out of the house in junior high or something like that in vegas And my buddy matt and I and my brother sometimes we'd go down to the 7-eleven and I'd take two packs of bubble licious and I'd pretend like I was Looking in my pocket for money and then I'd come back out with one That was my move. That's the move. That's I was I thought I was like The world's best criminal you take two liars right in front of the fucking 7-eleven

And when you get to the cigarettes You ask them for cigarettes. He turns around When he turns back around you're pulling on a wallet Right, he's looking at you like but he don't have the balls to ask you what's in your pocket He knows your shoplifting but he can't ask You want my wallet I shoplifted a few times but not because they used to uh, there was a store called strawberries Yeah going out from music place clothes and stuff and they had yeah, of course and that's closed now They had instead of gift cards. They had like coins that were worth sending the amount of money. I took one once

Because it was like the worst system ever. We didn't have to Activate it or anything. I did that. I also this isn't really stealing But in college I figured out that this place had a coupon and if you spent like eight bucks You got a free mini pizza. So or like whatever it was I got I did it so many times they they call them and said you're gonna have to order more or we're not coming over there That's why I remember oh man, this takes me back a little bit. I was I forget how old I was I must have been six or seven It was right after soccer practice because I had my like soccer shorts on or it was a game And I had my cleats and stuff sometimes when you'd walk around the grocery store with cleats

And I remember putting a a box of tic-tacs in my pocket that I was gonna steal it and we're out in the Around the parking lot and my mom could hear me because it's tic-tacs. They're going like And she turns around like You have taken what did you steal those like you know, she totally I got totally busted And she made me go back and give her back and apologize to the cashier. It was like that whole oh man I'm surprised I ever stole anything again It was I was so like mortified. It was a shame. I was such a stupidest thing ever I was scared to fucking steal for and then I tried it one time. I loved it

Once I stole and I got away with it. I loved it. The rush is Even for that gift card was amazing I tamed it down for years and then once I became a burglar Once you're walking on ice, you might as well fucking dance, you know what I'm saying Yeah, we live in tight dilemmas today being a I think about that all the time and you do too I know you have a daughter and a son. I just have a daughter and I'm like What the fuck am I gonna tell her she's not gonna see these stories. She's not and I write her I write a journal for her Okay, which is slowly getting to the point

You know I'm saying it's like in three chapters. I write now like every three days every four days What she's going through what I'm going through just to slow her in a little bit Yeah, and she can't she's not from the cut that she could get all this. She doesn't She doesn't see it that way. It's so weird how different we are at the age of five at the age of five I had already been involved in like a fucking drug bust Cops at the age of five I was already involved in the drug bust. What were you selling oregano? I wasn't selling nothing I was at a fucking house that got there. Oh, okay. Let me okay, you know to see a raid

When you're five at a numbers joint and then they raid your mother's place It gives you doubts. You're at school talking to officer Rocco The dare cop of the alfalfa rocky. It's weird to talk to officer rocky When your mother just got fucking arrested for bookmaking Right, I can't imagine. Yeah, think about that secret that you're hiding at five mercy doesn't have that shit And she didn't have that at all So at five she didn't have a five. I didn't have a father at five So she's way ahead of me at five way ahead like I wasn't even talking at five. I was just rating a cry

Do you have a plan with this like when she gets 10 12? What are you gonna give it to her? What am I gonna give it to I gotta see how she Takes to what's going on around there. There's no age Okay, so there's no plan. There's no age She had to see if she's ready You know when I see people when I come up to you like, hey man, I didn't know you had kids and you're like How old is your daughter and you're like 16? I always look at that kid Hmm and go could they handle

Finding Donovan on the floor when she was 16 like I found my mother Not how many people can I couldn't know Most kids couldn't bounce back from that. You you you never know What you're ready for Until it happens and how you're gonna respond to it You know, I I just saw a dear friend of mine a couple weekends ago She's never been the same since her father died. I get that She was very tight with her dad

It takes years of reconciliation and uh, you know doubt When you're a son and your parents die, that's a complete different chapter of your life. Well, we mentioned it, uh Luckily not gonna want both my parents are still here But what do you think? When you when we when you saw that 30 year old kid who had to get taken to court To get thrown out of his parents house as parents. What do you? Like what mistakes do you think they make like what like how does that happen? They didn't they didn't they didn't what's this they should have stopped Hitler in Munich

I got it that line resonates in my head for everything now Yeah, if you're if you're a Fucking a business owner and I come in here late three times. You're gonna pull me aside one thing, right? Yeah We got to stop Hitler in Munich because if he does this every day, then it's gonna become a problem And that's where we slip like we don't remember that simple fact Yeah, and you gotta try there's something that rattles around my brain every now and again where it's like I'm sitting there and I'll be talking to my daughter And I don't know if she's just waiting for me to be done

You know what I mean? Or she's just like just waiting it out like at some point he's gonna stop talking because every now and again I'll get twisted around in my sentence and I'll try to Essentially not curse when I'm talking to her, you know, I'm just like I'll be worked up about something Like she's either done or and my whole thing is is not so much about uh, um It's about intention You know, I say it's it's not a you know, you can succeed or fail Like, you know, some things happen some things don't happen

But but if you don't try that's the big problem And so it's just a matter of like where you where what you're going for like everybody deserves respect And if you're gonna do something like, you know, I just don't want to I don't want to hear Like I don't want to or I don't like that like if I don't even try it You know, I don't I don't know if my I got a little sidetracked on my point there But but sometimes when I'm talking to her I don't know if she's just like like hmm I get to go back to my Barbie in like two minutes

Like whenever he's because we can try and who knows like if if they're actually gonna listen to our lesson If they're gonna want to rebel against that or if they're gonna just Essentially emulate what we do instead of what we say one way or another. I mean, I don't know It's such a crazy mixed bag. We just don't know We're all fumbling in the dark. It's crazy. That's the scary thing. We're not gonna know or you could do is try Yeah, that's what I do with mercy. All I could do is try You know when I saw you do the Christopher walk and I forgot you're a great fucking voice over Yeah, one team will be zooming for a few years. You're sure. Well, you've done a lot of video games, too. Yeah

Yeah, I've done a few like a lot of I was uh, uh, uh did motion capture for Grand Theft Auto 5 Which was really funny just like you got the suit on and you're running around It was like me and this this actor Brad Schmidt and a stuntman named Chris place um, and it was like the three of us just Taking turns doing random stuff like, you know, like carjackings and not called stuff that I never would have Ever done or been considered to do like after blue schools. It was a that was a strange Like one of the next jobs. Did you play one of the main people or they just had you like no, it's the in-game motion capture So it's like it's like the character as as when you're running around and it's not the cutscenes

But I did a few things with those guys. Um, and they were awesome. Actually, that was amazing watching them Like steven aug and guy named solo I have no idea what his real name is, but everybody called him solo on set and I never bothered to find out his real name Fuck it. He's got a real name. Sometimes you don't need to look dick. That's the thing Donovan, I'm happy you made it on to it. I'm happy to be here, man. This is great things go on You know, you're real close to us. You could come on whatever you want. Hopefully you'll get an instagram page now I did I finally when started I I got on instagram and twitter Just for this occasion and I have no idea what I'm gonna do with it. Don't do nothing every day put something on there

Yeah, little pictures let people know what the fuck you're doing. You know, you're an interesting cat That's why I wanted to have you. He's been coming to the fourth wall. He's been coming I finally did stand up a little stand up which is always gets a respect nod out of my fucking Because I know how hard it is to Actually say you're gonna go down there and then go down there and get on stage like it's It's you jumping off the cliff Without jumping, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, and I'm just glad that I couldn't hear my own like a heartbeat and that was the only sound in the room the entire time

It was it was not the worst thing ever and I actually videotaped myself. So I I saw it and then I realized there's like Like just on the first pass I was like there's 16 different ways where I could have been better just even with that And it's like I I feel like a fraud when I'm up there like because I don't feel like a fraud I was talking really about that just a couple minutes ago. I have Full knowledge that I don't know what I'm doing And I want to be good at it like when I once you do it you get that like that I don't know it satisfies that wanting to perform I love that feeling and so I want to be good at this thing

But nothing happens like that. No, you know You gotta you gotta figure it out. I've been doing it 27 years and I feel like a fucking fraud And I'm taping the thing on Monday for Netflix and I have no idea where I'm at No, but I know I practice what I preach When you commit to the universe it takes care of you. I've done everything I can in my part Something will happen. I'll make something happen. I'm not confident. So That's it. I'll see you next time. I'm gonna get the fuck out of here next time we talk cocksuckers. I just

I'm just shooting especially Netflix. Hopefully or I'll be shooting But I want to thank you guys for busting Netflix's balls and And all the support and love you guys to give us over the years the church Scott Cunningham with the page. I love you to death I can't wait to finally meet you when you come out And that's it. That's how easy this is. It's been an easy fucking week. I want to thank Donovan Patton again Uh watching my blues clues on the fucking uh team umizoomi or Any other fucking other stuff he's done. You got IMD being

The flying jew is coming to vegas. Danny brown's coming to vegas We're gonna see uki spooky in Las Vegas. We're gonna see a lot of people in Las Vegas So i'm looking forward to it But I want to thank you guys because without you guys I'd have boogats and have dick So thank you again for your support and love And we'll see you next week. What before you leave. We got to talk to you about something like I told you earlier, right? 66 percent of men lose their head by 35. It's that hairline He's starting to move backwards any ball spots yet me I answer both I answer yes to both of them

How will you feel a year from now when it's business as usual up there? I ask you do two things. Do you want a ball spot to pop up or do you want something to Do you want to do something about it first? Do you want your hairline to recede or do you want to do something about it first? Why do guys turn to weird solutions when they can turn to medicine and science? I'll tell you what we're gonna do for you when I introduce you to four hymns.com a one-stop shop for hair loss skincare and sexual wellness for men Thanks to science baldness can be optional Him connects you with real doctors and medical grade solutions to treat your hair loss

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And a bar in Toledo Crossed from the depot on a bar stool. She took off her ring I thought I'd get closer So I walked on over I sat down and asked her her name When the drinks finally hit her She said I'm no quitter, but I finally quit living on dreams I'm hungry for laughter and here ever after I'm after whatever the other dive brings

In the mirror, I saw him and I closely watched him. I thought how he looked out of place He came to the woman who sat there beside me. He had a strange look on his face The big hands were calloused. He looked like a mountain For a minute, I thought I was dead But he started shaking. His big heart was breaking. He turned to the woman and said You picked a fine time to leave me lucille With 400 children and a crop in the field I've had some bad times. I've lived through some sad times. This time you're hurtin' on him

You picked a fine time to leave me lucille After he left us, I ordered more whiskey. I thought how she'd made him look small From the lights of the bar room to a rented hotel room. We walked without talking at all She was a beauty, but when she came to me, she must have thought I'd lost my mind I couldn't hold her, but the words that he told her Kept coming back time after time You picked a fine time to leave me lucille With 400 children and a crop in the field

I've had some bad times. I've lived through some sad times. This time you're hurtin' on him You picked a fine time to leave me lucille You picked a fine time to leave me lucille With 400 children and a crop in the field I've had some bad times. I've lived through some sad times. This time you're hurtin' on him You picked a fine time to leave me lucille You picked a fine time to leave me lucille You picked a fine time to leave me lucille

You picked a fine time to leave me lucille