Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #592 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: June 11, 2018

Joey Diaz talks with Lee Syatt about an emotional topic, suicide. From Chris Cornell to Anthony Bourdain, we have lost a lot of people who (from an outsiders perspective) appeared to have perfect lives. Joey and with Lee discuss how Joey has coped with similar issues and feelings in his life and why he believes his techniques have worked for him. This podcast is brought to you by: FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 06/10/2018.


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It's Monday grab it. It's life This ain't no fucking bingo game I Monday June 11 the day the devil was buried at sea Slinging thick and giving out chopsticks. Fuck it When they told this we shouldn't know that's always a bad call Here we go Here we go

Are you fucking nuts? And you're going for it What's happening you beautiful motherfuckers, this is a solo podcast uncle Joey Lee Syac coming at you direct. We want to talk about a few things The start is welcome to the fucking show. Hope you had a great weekend It's Monday June 11th, which means you're getting dirtier and nastier by the week now We're six months away from fucking Christmas and you still haven't done any of the things you said you were gonna do January 1st Do you think about that?

It's already fucking June 11th, and we're still playing games with ourselves including myself, you know I'm trying to write this fucking book now today. I tried to write a chapter. I'm the worst fucking writer In all of the world like I am convinced I am just that fucking bad But you know what I'll keep plugging along because that's the the whole fucking momentum That's the whole patois of this show is to keep showing up who gives a fuck how bad you are But I was looking at my writing today Every time I write and then I go to look at the next morning. I'm like, oh, I'm gonna be impressed. Oh my god

Is it fucking bad? Oh my fucking god, but At least I'm honest. I just looked at the The first 10 minutes of the fucking netflix special from the seven o'clock show. Oh my god. Oh my god people But what are you gonna do? I prepared myself. I tried to do everything I could I got on stage as much as I could Sometimes the pieces just don't come together, but you got you keep plugging along, man That's why this show is gonna be really weird A lot of people are not gonna like this show today. I hate doing shows when when they're marked

by something You know that's going on in media today. I mean we talk about stuff But very lightly, you know, I don't talk about a lot of things because other people talk about them and they're better at them But this is something i'm really good at and I want to talk about this because it bothers the fuck out of me You know this week. We lost another guy to fucking suicide. We lost two people But I knew nothing about the fucking chick spade and nothing about I don't know nothing about you know, I knew about anthony bourdain and You know, I wanted to take a few days to absorb what was said on the media a few days

To see the little things they were saying on tv and I didn't really get much But I thought about it and I and I read a lot of the things that people were saying, you know and Listen last year. We were all devastated. I mean, even if you don't know somebody even if you don't know somebody And somebody committed suicide like chris cornell. It fucked me up that fucked me up for a week And still there's days I put on, you know Bad motor finger. I'll put on fucking hands all over or fucking I'll put on super unknown And I can't believe that this guy's gone And you know people go always listen. We're all gonna go. That's the beauty of this life

That we all go and we're not gonna be around forever But for somebody like chris cornell, I know that you guys have your own dilemmas You're fighting for your life the economy your kid this that And then you got a guy like chris cornell that's on top of the world or at least we see that And he hangs himself And then we see a guy like anthony bourdain who's traveling every week something that we'd all love to do 18 years 18 fucking years books You know, he had final cut on all his tv stuff. I mean

Just unbelievable position to work yourself off And one morning you wake up and the guy kills himself and you sit there And whether you like him or not, whether you like the guy or not, listen, he wasn't my best friend I never met the guy I'm just talking about as a human's perspective You have to ask yourself what the fuck is going on with these people Let's start from scratch A dear friend to the podcast and a dear friend to me

From the internet is a guy by the name of lauren rozenker And he lost his son a couple years back and he's still In a tough position, you know, I mean I could see it in his posts He disappears from time to time his son When your child takes your life, it's it's it's got to be devastating because you don't know You don't know what's going on there little fucking head, you know And then you get a guy like anthony bourdain at 61 and does the same exact thing, you know Suicide is suicide whether you

Jump off a bridge or hang yourself. You're still taking your life Without thinking about the people in your life and how it's going to affect them never mind you being A celebrity or somebody who talks about food, you know The guy's like you this is like the endless fucking siren here This is like the endless fucking siren. Where's he going califucking mars? But it's really weird. I mean I've been thinking about this with everything else that's going on in the world I've been thinking about why a guy that's successful why a guy that's

The epitome of what all of us want which is success money You know people recognize this. This is what most people want in our life And you kill yourself. You gotta ask yourself. What the fuck was going on in his head To me what all of like because you said with the uh the purse designer All this week has shown me is just Like now none of that stuff makes you happy It seemed like at the end of the day it must not

because if it did These people you would never do it guys and I was 25. I went to prison for kidnapping Or whatever the fuck I went to prison for but it was all the same The reason why I went to jail for is because I wanted money All those years I went after money like it was this fucking Thing that was gonna change my life And I don't know what happened after I got divorced and I got into stand-up and That whole thing went away and that's when I started living

when I got that whole money thing out of the way that Money is the biggest lie that's sold to us And if we want to believe that a little bit of money's gonna make us happy there you proved it this week proved it I mean one guy one the woman had an excuse her husband came home And said he wanted to leave her or whatever, you know We don't know what drove Anthony Bourdain yet, but think about it You know, even if you have money somebody comes to you and says I want to leave you they leave You still have your money. You still fucking have your job. You still have your child

You know these people she's had a 16 year old child You have to think about how this affects them, you know If if you don't think I mean, we all know this we all know that Rhonda Rousey's dad took himself Took his life, you know, she she put it out there on broad street And it's on a couple of the countdowns and whatnot. You don't think that affects Rhonda Rousey I mean death and if your dad dies of a fucking heart attack while getting the bread it affects you Could you imagine if your dad killed himself like in your mind in your little mind you have to wrap your little head around Your dad going into a garage at one point of his life when you were a baby

Or something and then having to fucking Put a hose in the car whatever the fuck he did how unhappy was What trick was his mind playing on him? Well, I actually spoke with my therapist about it because it was just I wasn't like you wasn't Anthony's biggest fan, but I was a fan. I've grown up with him. I've seen his shows And the happiness thing I and what she said Is that a lot of times the people that she's spoken to Feel like the people are going to be better off without them

Even though we can probably say that they wouldn't be That's what like that's what depression will do to your brain Convinces them like oh It'll be easier for them if I'm just not here. It'll be better for them Even though yeah, he had a daughter. She had kids You know at first people were looking at it as Him Cornell a couple others were looking at it as like this affects People who are on drugs at some time in their life

Right, so a guy like me Oh and other people will listen to this podcast and who are you know family? We were all on drugs at one point. You know this has to skate Like where is your mind going to go? Well, I mean and I felt guilty, but that was my first That was my initial thought when I saw that he had killed himself Because I thought because it's I I read Either one of in one of his books or seen on one of the shows that he was on heroin when he was younger

And I thought I thought it was another like Philip Seymour Hoffman thing And then he just started doing heroin again and by accident he killed himself, but it ended up being for Like that the that must kind of suck that that's going to be people's first thought for if you if you're like pretty open about your drug use That's going to be where people go some people go Like oh, I wonder if you just did that again No, I was thinking as the fact is like Because for some people after they get sober, they can't find peace They don't feel comfortable in their own skin. I've spoken to people for years about this

Because I was very scared of getting sober myself That statement I made on the phone the other day is a true statement that I lived with for years What are you scared of that your life is going to change? That's what we're scared of the life is going to change So when I was on drugs all those years and I would think about getting off cocaine, I was going it's not going to happen Because number one, I won't be funny no more. I won't be spontaneous I won't be alive on stage boy. Was that a lie Boy, was that a lie? You know as a matter of fact, I've become a way of better of a comic

Since I gave up cocaine. There's only one thing That was good about doing the cocaine and having that state that you just went off from time to time But I still go off right I still go off and it's not controlled. I can't control it You know, it's the same thing as if I was on cocaine. So But I have no regrets, but in your cocaine mind You can't see yourself without The cocaine even the reefer like before I got locked up. I know we spoke about this a few weeks ago I couldn't think about going getting locked up

Without the reefer after I did a week. I was like this ain't shit, right? You know, we don't know how strong we really are We never know how strong we really are And that's why I wanted to talk about this today because I'm sure that there's people that listen to this show that have set themselves up one time another joey Did you ever think about in my world? It was more From the age of 16 to like 18 19 I wanted to kill myself, but I didn't want to be conscious of doing it

I wanted the drugs to do it or something to do it, you know As a matter of fact When I did my little od in 2005 2006 and boomer That was the tail end of that. I think Nobody eats those pills. I knew I was well aware Of what was going to happen to me if I kept eating those pills drinking yank of meister and I kept doing it So I could look you in the eye and talk to the people who listen to this podcast and tell you that yeah Maybe a part of me still had that, you know

After the longest yard, I went through some shit because I thought the longest yard Was going to make peace with me All these things I thought that were going to make peace with me and they didn't they didn't make peace with me They didn't do anything for me It just so happens that you have to do it for yourself No movie no movie star no album no music Nothing's gonna give that thing to you that we're looking for Except what we could heal

And once I found that out my life changed completely So Yeah, there was times I was low in my life I think there was one or two times 16 and 17 when I physically thought I know one time at the runnies. I thought of jumping off to george washington bridge And right after my mother died. I thought of stabbing myself But I didn't have the balls to like I just

It's weird how you're wearing out because I'm just gonna say Sometimes like I've never thought about I've thought just about the idea of it Like no, I haven't I haven't gotten to the point of oh, let's do this now or like this But it's weird like sometimes I'll get down on myself because I'll think like oh You can never shoot yourself in the head And that's like that's not something you should want to be able to do But it's like oh, you'll get down because I like yeah, you won't be able to do it Which is a weird thing to get down on yourself about

But your brain is just crazy. That's just It's weird it's It's scary what it can do to you And especially with going back to bordain even if you take out the professional stuff It seemed like he was personally happy recently with his he had a new girlfriend He was in I mean he was in France So that's Every way you look at it. You wouldn't expect it

Yeah, it messes with me Part to me is scared scared because I wouldn't want my mind to do that I would never want to let be listen. You're gonna die You take one look at me. I'm halfway done already anyway, but Ah The point being that I don't want to go out like that that that'd be a That would be a way to hurt

That or for me to do coke right now and to die Would destroy my friends and my family They would destroy It would destroy my daughter it would destroy my wife You know I can never do something like that Like I said, you're gonna die Nothing you get God gives you so many heartbeats And once you hit those heartbeats, it's over

You know, there's not much you could do there's no negotiation There's nobody you can say Lazarus can't come and save you right, but I would hate to go out those ways Like I would hate to get back on drugs and go out that way I wouldn't want to let down you and my wife and Rogan. I wouldn't want to let these people down so right That's one thing, you know Oh, absolutely. And then the I think that's the scariest and also like the saddest part about it and the thing that like came to me was They're doing that in theory or hopefully because something is so terrible that they can't deal with it

But it's not like that. It's not a relief. It's just over Like it's not like like it's not like they finally get to relax Or like be okay with it So it's not It's not really a fix at all Unfortunately, you know, I always thought about what happens when you're 88 And everything's starting to fail you and People aren't paying attention to you like they used anymore and they have their own lives

You know, uh, do you have the right to ice yourself, you know Like I've even thought of that theory like you have to your 80 Sometimes I just did it in Australia. He had to fly to Amsterdam Because he was like over a hundred or something and he just he wasn't feeling well He was he was like a scientist, but yeah, that's a big thing going on right now There's only a couple states in America that allow you to do it Like I think Oregon is one of them

But it's not I like I haven't I haven't seen many of them for like just age. It's usually for people who are sick But yeah, I mean that's I wonder if like it would be like legal battles like kids wouldn't want their parents to do it You know when I was 16 17, I really had nobody and my mind was really playing tricks on me then Like my mind was really putting guilt trips on me then like Guilt trips about my mother yelling for me and me not coming downstairs just tons of guilt trips And I was there was a period where my mind went dark for a while Even when I think about that period now and I want to write about it

It seems like it was black and white a black and white time in my life, you know But uh, no, I never really had the bulls I got really fucked up one night When I lived with the benders I went over to a party at Joe Lucci's house And I really got fucked up. I ate two kway lutes that People told you just eat one and I ate two of them and I passed out About four in the morning I woke up and went home and the word was out already so that was I had turned green So John's been to pull me aside the next day and said bro, it's all over that you were fucking dead for a minute or something Like I was really fucked up

like and I Part of it was me You know the pain inside was just horrible Without a mother and what I was going through No, but I never went into that coma And I lived and it was horrible It was horrible and I kept going, you know, and uh This is why all these things shocked me

Like the chris cornell the singer from the other band uh You know the anthony bordain they shocked me because I was 16 17. I was a young man And once I knocked on that door, I was like, oh, I'm lucky that door didn't open You know, I'm very lucky that door didn't open but Now at this age, I knew I would never even try to fucking ice myself like no way

Like that'd be fucking no way I don't see it I hope not I don't see it at no level, but this scares me if this is what I have to look out for In my mind That means I'd have to talk to people like I'd have to talk to people a lot Like this is the way to do it. Like I always thought like suicide hotline and cocaine hotline And all those things were kind of creepy, but now I'm starting to see that they're not

You have to talk to people, you know that you have to talk to people when you're feeling like this And I always talk to my wife. I let my wife know everything A couple weeks ago. I wasn't feeling too good. I pulled her aside and told the And I'll tell people like that one night. I felt really shitty before I left the province that week That monday I felt really shitty and I told Donovan at the fourth wall I was like, I'm really scared of leaving Because I don't feel good. I don't feel up to par like my body's not feeling well. I'm not feeling well I would hate for my wife to have to fly to Tennessee drop off the baby and fly to new york to see me in the hospital

Like I was even concerned about that I mean, we do go to the worst possible scenarios. That's another scary thing. The thing that I've always been a hypochondriac. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm very very much a hypochondriac You made a pretty funny statement here that you said that And I thought about what you said You said that you had read something about how much LeBron James spent on himself You know And it's so funny. I thought about your statement

You got to remember Lee There was a time I was spending the minimal Minimum a 400 a week on drugs That's 1600 How much were you making a month at that point? I have no idea. I sit here sometimes And I you know, you have to

400 times 4 Equals 1600 a month right times 12 12 Equals 19 to a year. That's minimal. You got to remember. I was getting let's just go for a gram of blow Let's just go for a gram of blow times seven It's 420 a week And I was getting a gram of weed a day at 20 bucks. That's another 140

Plus 140 560 That's 22 2300 just on drugs alone So If I go to jujitsu right Plus I go to kickboxing plus

I go to cryo cryo right Plus I go to I Whatever acupuncture acupuncture two of those a month. I'm still ahead by 1500 Can you imagine that Can you fucking imagine that so What I was spending on that was evil for my mind and my body now I spend a quarter on

And And it's good stuff and it's good stuff a quarter of what I was spending Between the kickboxing the cryo a month The fucking acupuncture It's it's just amazing what happens What the result is what you get back from what you put in How healthy my mind is how healthy I feel How healthy my eyes are how just a lot of things that I wouldn't have been right now

So I was spending close to two grand a month Now I'm spending a little under 500 a month And I'm getting the bigger result How the fuck could that be Think about that for a second You know what that's like 400 a week. That's just Let's pretend I got high five days a week That's five times 60

That's what that's 300 right and let's say I bought a gram of coke a gram of weed six days That's 120 I had a 140 So 140 and three is 440 That's still 1800 a month You have no idea plus the road what I was spending on coke on the road Because I would go on the road and spend my whole check. Oh my god, I would come back with a hundred bucks And no part of you thought what do you think about saving during the day?

I feel like I'm gonna I'm gonna start saving. There was no saving a car. There was no saving in my world God It's weird how like different things affect different people for 40 years. There was no saving Fuck And you weren't nervous about it at all. I didn't open up a bank account. I was 43 Holy shit Before I got off coke at 45 I think right

some uh, yeah, yeah 44 I opened up a bank account at 43. I just put like five hours a month in there I Like 35 hours when I fucking quit the coke in there 33 dollars So what would you do? You just have all the cash you had on you? Yeah at all times. Yeah Jesus Maybe put a 200 or three in the jacket and just leave it there for an hour

Because I would say I'm gonna save this and I'd burn right to fuck through it Holy shit And if there's a way I like I it's it's crazy my mind Set was crazy the way I thought was crazy I was headed to do them. I was headed to failure everything about this plan I had Was about making money snorting first and everything else was second But I didn't have my nut high enough for it to affect anything I

Kept my nut small so it didn't affect anything So nobody could tell what I was doing If I was driving the Mercedes and then you'd see me in the Subaru you go oh something's going on But I always kept everything small That's wild that you basically do you did a budget but you got your everything else your apartment Car to as low as humanly possible so you could snort as much coke as much coke No underwear You know just just bad bonds of life, but you had why don't you wear underwear now?

That's the thing I still wear on the way you were a little you were during jiu-jitsu. Yeah, I wear underwear. All right I don't like underwear and jeans feel you always wear jeans though. I like how underwear and sweats feel But I don't like underwear and jeans feel That's like your weed thing like oh We had sunday. We got a smoke. You always wear jeans I tried I like jeans But it's just uh, it makes you think

that's it it's just really food for thought when people take their lives and Like I said, I don't know much about depression. I don't understand Much about that mindset um I respect it I understand it To a degree, but I don't understand it fully

I've been in situations where I wanted to jump off the fucking bridge More than 10 times Like most people in their lifetime Have one hand, you know the death of their mom the death of their dad Maybe uh, they wanted to do something with their life. Maybe a heartbreak Like You know for me I had heartbreak since I was younger and yeah, most of it was inflicted by me. I'm no fucking

special case here But you figure after the tenth time, you know You just say fuck this shit You know once you get into this racket that word This is suicidal living To say no fucking normal living. This is suicidal living To really be good at this there's one point in your life where you have to Just remove everything

And it could end in suicide Hope not. I mean, it's because it sounds like you're you're not Afraid of opening up to people like that's my issue With like that. I like the therapist because I I'm getting better at talking I would never tell anybody before if I was feeling a certain way I just didn't really feel comfortable doing and it didn't sound like you're a little bit more comfortable So maybe that's maybe you don't need it, but that's that that's why I like therapy Just even just to get those thoughts out of my head and I've said it before but you

Like even if it's not that level of depression sometimes if something's bothering me and I just say it I'll realize while telling my therapist like oh, this isn't as big of a deal as I've been making it I'll even tell I'll even tell that to her, but like I haven't had really had like thought about suicides since I've had Versions I've been with her, but I don't know if I'd feel comfortable telling somebody. So I think that's why It's good that you do tell people I guess Like maybe that's why you don't get let it get as far. Well me. I never Let's just get this out of the open. I may talk some shit

I may talk some shit and I may say some crazy shit from time to time I do not understand that psychiatrist thing Because I believe in the gift of friendship Jesus Christ, this was like an old little Um I really do believe In the gift of friendship. I don't think people use it enough

I may have six friends in the world, but I know everything about you The six friends I have I know them inside and out. I know them better than they know themselves That's what you do is having a good friend 40 50 years 30 years You're not looking for quality You know, you're not looking for quantity quantity. You're looking for quality I'd rather have two good fucking friends than five mediocre fucking jerks So because I have you George

lubes james Timmy I got people I know who they are So when they're acting a little off I whack them And let them know yo This ain't what you do. You're falling outside that perimeter again And because I have friends like that I use them in the same way I can't see

Like I can't see paying somebody to talk to them when you have good friends that you could talk to And nobody knows you like your friends Like if I right now I Which I didn't think about really but I did I did in a lot of ways You know, you have to trust your friends So you go to four your friends three your friends and you'll listen. I'm doing the special

Help me out when you start with people This something about the relationship you have When you start with certain comics when you're both in a lineup for a year or two together And then you break away. They know everything about you the same way you know about that While you're talking to that waitress you're listening to their set And you're going he's doing that joke again. Oh, he's doing that differently now, you know, you're learning about that person So me I've always had a hard time with psychiatry Not because I don't like psychiatry because I believe in my friends

If you have good friends they should ground you And you could get grounded just by talking to them on a daily You don't even have to ask them You don't even really have to ask You know What they're gonna live with and what they're not gonna live with And the reason why you don't want them to know about certain things is because you don't want them to know about that That you live into that behavior again

Because they'll pick it right the fuck up We have to do is mention it to them. No, bro. You're doing that thing again. Aren't you? No, no, no I'm just going over there once a week. We're not fucking with You know So I take pride in that that I have friends that I know I'm inside and out and they know me inside now Yeah, I I mean I think I'm not lucky enough to have At least that level of friendship with that many people and then also even the ones that I do

I don't know. There's now. There's a growing con to that. Okay. There's a growing con to that the pro the con is That your friends aren't really going to tell you the truth But that's a lie I'd rather hear the truth from my friend than the truth from a stranger Why that You would do you think they will tell you the truth? Yeah Yeah, I came from somewhere where they tell you the truth

That's why I'm the way I am All those years when I was slipping my friends would mention things to me from time to time And it would hurt my feelings a little bit. In fact, it would piss me off for a few weeks But then I knew where that where they came with that from what place they showed up with that And it made my life a lot easier And whether I changed or not I looked at them a little differently Like they really cared Yeah, at least they care but

I mean, did it take you how long did it take you to open up to people because that's my biggest issue Like it's hard for me to make friends because it's even just a little opening up is tough But to tell to tell someone how I'm feeling like that's even that's even tougher. Listen, I've known Joe Rogan for 20 years And there's a lot of things I can't tell him but I tell my friends I grew up with So everybody's different Everybody's different You know who's gonna understand you and you know who's not gonna understand you And if you don't know you're gonna find out the hard way, right?

You know what people can understand you and you know what people can't understand you what I could tell ari I can't tell joe and toms ago They're too close knit. They're too They're morals are too Do you know what I'm saying? I could tell ari basically There's people you can just tell them ari come in for saying this one went down the other There's certain people that you have certain friends that tell your friends. Don't get me wrong. They're your best friends But they wouldn't go over with that too good

So in a way, they're really not your best friends You know what I'm saying in a way they're good friends, but they're not all the way there The kids I grew up with in jersey that I talked on the phone still They ground me like they don't let me believe this shit that's going on. They don't let me believe anything I'm still cocoa. That's why I get mad at them when they call me joe Oh, really? Yeah, I don't like my friends calling me joe. They're gonna call me cocoa Because I still want to feel like that person. I never want to not feel like that person

Even if it's just for that through conversation, I still Want to remember that that person is still close by That cocoa was still close by You know It bothered me about the Anthony Bourdain thing And criss-core now because people were comparing it to people had done drugs one thing about me is That's why I always smoke pop

And as lame as an excuses this sounds like I was in two halfway houses. I was in three halfway houses Okay, I've been around people that are trying to get clean For 30 fucking years. I know people still today They're trying to get clean that I was getting high with Okay, I personally know three people Right now like a call up on the phone that I was getting high with we were getting coke from the same place They're still getting high

I'm not saying that I know how to get somebody clean but I don't know how to say this. I know the ways to keep you there Okay, because it's all a mental thing staying clean The biggest thing is losing something feeling like you're losing something That's why I continued to smoke pot because I didn't want to feel like I lost something And I can look you in the face right now and tell you when I bring when I wake up in the morning This is when this weed gets me in. I this is when I really need this weed throughout the day

I'm just smoking to waste my time That's why I gotta eat 22 of those mints That's why I gotta eat 300 400 milligrams of thc because my resistance is so high I smoke it because it's like a blanket for me It is a psychiatrist in a way so even though Things have gotten so bad on the coke

You still felt like you were like missing something. Yes, you're losing. Yes anybody who's been on drugs any drugs at all And they get off it a piece of their life has gone. They won't tell you this, but that's the truth They know it They know that life is never going to be the same again and they really enjoy getting on you think I did Drugs I didn't enjoy getting on I loved it. I loved meeting a girl like Kate Quigley and getting an A-ball and locking up in the hotel room Doing disgusting perverted things and taking pictures and coming all over the place and Feeling like a fucking loser the next day

Because that's what you feel like a complete loser when the cocaine is done Whatever drugs you're doing are gone and you come down and you have that come down phase of your your habit That's a horrible feeling. That's a suicidal feeling also. Yeah Once the drugs are gone and you're like wow and all of a sudden your life Comes up in front of you And even though now you did the drugs See because you have this pain and you did the drugs And it shut down the pain for the nine hours or the eight hours that you were doing the drugs for

But even now that you're numb the pain starts to recede At five or six in the morning and that's when it really sucks When you're sitting there after nine hours of doing drugs And the pain is still coming through But you can block it. You're like wow, that's amazing that the pain can still come through Good. It's good to know You know, it's kind of a weird weird weird feeling Because that something that never made sense to me is that like I've heard

It's a big thing in movie tv and I think in real life that people drink to forget stuff that happened like I've just I've just luckily maybe never used that I As lame as it always sounds for me the only thing that I can connect to what you're saying is the way I am with food Which I know isn't as as dangerous but To me like to the thought of trying to block pain With alcohol doesn't even like it doesn't even make sense to me, but I um people must do it They get so drunk. They can't remember it or I don't even I don't even know how it works

It's just to forget, you know anything to forget Whether it's the weed the pills It's anything to forget, you know to take you away from that moment in time and it's uh You know living with that pain is very weird whether it's You know a divorce or a child or a death or A death of a parent or a death of a friend or a fucking spouse Pain is real man, you know and there's different ways to deal with it

And that's what it is. We all have to find A way to deal with that pain how to control it and then we win You know the pain's always going to be there the pain's always going to be there for whatever reason You just learn how to work with it, you know, where's tony better that cocksucker? It's monday june 11th I don't have the answers, but we're just knocking on the door trying to find out why people do what they do I want to be around To pick up the pieces

When somebody breaks your heart. Oh, shit Sun somebody twice as smart As I Fucking beautiful fucking beautiful piano somebody who Will swear to be true As you used to do with me Let's give some shout outs to my man Dante gazini

Lawn Rosenker bobby chariot bobby lalingus My man one by one podcast renais and cassione Brandy lin over there. Don't forget her go fund me page My man leon watching the fights last night Cassius morris and the man of steel scott cunningham Putting the fucking church page together with your motherfuckers and a shout out to the fucking minister of defense dicky sciat down there In west palm beach, florida showing up with a big dick in the fucking bellyache

You know i'm saying ever since you gave him that poison I didn't give him any poison. How dare you fucking taco place this shit He's had poison, but no it's just really weird that I wanted to bring this to the podcast to the church family because I had been thinking about it affected me It takes a lot to fucking bring me down and I wanted to talk to you guys to see how you felt about it I know that a lot of people go through things that go on that page and People who email me and people with facebook me Listen man, just do me a favor. You know

I would love to Get one of your friends One of your good friends sit them down take them to lunch Even if you don't want to utter the word suicide Don't say that word But tell them that you might be calling them one night That there's times that you get thoughts Just let somebody know

Let somebody know Who you love somebody who loves you somebody who cares for you man. We all have one Fucking person You don't have to sit them down and go lee. I get suicidal thoughts and then lee goes blabs his fucking mouth And next thing you know people calling you. No, no, no. That's why I'm saying don't use that word Just tell them that Tell one of your friends that you're wrestling with something You know about your career that you might be calling them one night, you know

Let your friends know prepare them Let them know that you're going through something You don't have to say suicide. You don't have to say you want to take a swan dive You don't have to say you want to shoot yourself. You don't have to use any of those words Just tell them that you're going through anxiety even if it's those words those are the words I use Because I really don't know what it is that I'm going through This times I go through something before I go on stage You know, but there's times I'm in my office

And I get so fucking frustrated guys that I kind of black out in a way like I just kind of Like I'm going to pass out or something like that and I'm telling you guys because I need you guys I need you guys to understand how this works I get so frustrated some nights where I can't fucking see straight and You know, it's like that night. I didn't go to the mitzi short thing That I had that anxiety attack here and at home and I wouldn't fucking take the medication. I wouldn't take the

I breathe through it. I dealt with it You know, it's not always about a pill. It's about a workout. It's about getting a notebook You know, it's about writing shit down You know, I complained to you guys a lot the last two weeks about my sleep What I didn't complain about is whenever I can't sleep There's a trigger There's a trigger. You're not that fucking stupid. I'm no psychiatrist. I didn't take four years as I have But I'm not that dumb you get a notebook and you write it out

You feel something you get a notebook. You write it out and then you read it I can't tell you how important reading it is Never mind writing it writing it and then reading it and reading what you're going through Really solidifies it in your mind really Breaks it down to your mind. It's not just writing it It's reading what you're going through Like I tell you when I fuck around with you guys and tell you oh my god Yeah, I robbed this fucking drug dealing. We all get a little giggle. That's one thing

When I go home and write that story out and I read it. Oh Do I feel fucking terrible about myself? Horrible horrible. But while we're here giggling about it, we have a good giggle You know, and I feel shitty on the drive home and then I go home and write about it And then I read it and it's not a fucking giggle And you could do the same with your mind Your mind is just thoughts random thoughts. You ever can't sleep at night. What are you thinking about just random thoughts that you have no Fucking you have no reason to be thinking about them half the time

Half the time half the shit that goes in our mind. You should not be thinking about Yeah, it's got nothing to do with your day today. I was sitting there playing Uh tennis with mercy, you know, we're just hitting a little circle ball And my phone went off and there was an email from my agent. Who am I bringing as a feature? to cleveland in october If I was there, I would have strangled them with both my hands Because not only is it four months away, but it's fucking sunday And you want to know who i'm bringing to cleveland as a fucking feature act

That's what you're trying to tell me on a sunday. These are things you don't need to worry about Like if you bother me with that out there like at 22, I didn't know I thought that was important That's not important You see how mad I get at you when you hit me about well, who's on the podcast friday? We didn't even do monday's podcast Why are you worried about friday for so i've learned how to eliminate All those things over the years, but boy, i'm still fucking horrible at it I mean, so I can't imagine what you go through and what other people and they hit me with emails on the podcast about Sometimes having a hard time. I can't imagine it because i'm the king of it

I'm the king of eliminating that shit out of my mind. Sometimes it goes back to middle school I'll there's something that some get and some kids said to me in seventh grade that i'll never forget And it like i've said it on stage, but there's I can't find a way to make it funny yet But it's it's it's stuff like that not even doesn't matter And it's not even like a week old it's 15 20 years ago that for some reason I remember And that it just you get stuck in your brain So that's I think the it's similar to saying it to a therapist, but that's probably why writing and reading helps you

Is it just out it's just out and you can see it Yeah, I don't want to I need to I need to read it write it read it and then uh What's the word i'm looking for process it You really need like listen man I struggle with a lot of the things I did 20 years ago. It may not appear to you like I do But I really do Some of those crime stories are a little bit much

And if you're a regular human being with morals, you're like, what am I doing talking to this moron? What am I doing listening to his fucking jokes his fucking dumb podcast? I mean because there are a little bit much And if you don't think I will struggle with those a lot of those stories, you're out of your mind You know the other day I was thinking about zoreida You know, I was thinking about how I pulled that stunt on my fucking godfather where I didn't pay him the money, you know and he died God knows what he was thinking when he died, but his thoughts weren't pleasant about me

You know, I mean there was a lot of people I let down over the years Trust what I'm telling you, you know, it's It's not bueno. It's I don't feel good sometimes Yeah, it's a different game, but I still did what I did and I didn't forget it And that's Really fucking important That I never forgot about the things I did, you know when I write them down and I wrestle with them and Hey, it was a long time ago

You know, you can't cry over spilled milk But you also did them and you have to deal with the consequences And I do I do deal with them and I feel bad them You know for every 10 kids that hit me from north barricade in union city In hunting county that say they're a fan Every once in a while a kid hit me on facebook saying My dad said you robbed him Your piece of shit, you know, he was your friend and you're robbed, you know shit like that. I get those

Once a month and the people who say they love me, those are great emails, you know, that made me feel great But those little simple ones That's I robbed the dad or I was involved in something they bothered me too They bothered me a lot too And I'll do just that I'll take a notebook out rip it out Go to a coffee shop and write the story out and then read it Make some notes on how bad I feel or fuck them for what he did Maybe I remember something that he did

That antagonized the whole fucking deal and it makes me not feel as bad as I should do I deal with all this shit. So For all you people who hear me giggling with Lee and Joe Rogan and telling the story, that's my way Of dealing with it, you know, it's like yesterday during the sports boot thing I talked about Anthony Bourdain. I cracked the joke even The guy from sports who told me today that they were laughing but on the web page when it comes to death. That's how I deal with it Is by crack. I dealt with so much death early on That the only way I could deal with it is by cracking a joke at a funeral

I come to your dad's funeral god forbid you crack on a joke to you And you don't look at me and go, Jesus Christ, Joey, when does it end? But you're gonna laugh And you're gonna go, that was a fucking good one because I'm not gonna hit you with a bad joke at a fucking wake I'm gonna throw he that shit and make you go. Jesus Christ. That was a fucking sensational joke. You know what I'm saying? Do you think about it beforehand like do you prepare a joke because it's it's funny that's an that's how you deal with it Is this humor? No, sometimes you go to awake and your dad's got a tuxedo You know, motherfucking never wore a tuxedo when he came to a comedy show

Now he wants a wet tuxedo on his way to have you know, there's so many fucking things that happen on awake in the funeral They're just funny Number two, if you know me, you know, I'm gonna hit you about what you get in the will I'm always gonna hit you with that. Well, what are we in the will? Who do we have to hit that with a broom? So you got a bigger fucking envelope We have to bury your sister right behind the fucking sample for funeral parlor We have to crash her car princess Diana style You know, what do we need to do to get your sister out of the picture?

So we got a bigger envelope. We get the patio furniture You know what I'm saying? We need that patio furniture. We need to make a poker game here Oh my god No, but you I always add light to a A death by cracking a fucking joke It's a work for you. Yeah, I must don't when I found my mother on the floor. I cracked a joke in my fucking head That's pretty crazy on the way of trying to pick her up and revive her looking at her black and blue arm From the heart attack

I cracked a joke Because I needed that moment of levity if not, I would have ran out of the fucking house crying So I'll always crack a joke to myself or something just to level out the fucking situation just to not make it As bad as it is. So please If I can work with me on these little fucking details here And that's it and that's that this is just a quick little fucking podcast To uh, let you know how I feel about it to see how you people felt about it to see how you people deal with these things and if Suicide is fucking bothering you. Like I said, bro. You got two ways to deal with it. You got friends

You got friends plant the seed in their head let them know that you're going through something if you're embarrassed to talk about it and You have a hotline But don't leave people hanging Don't leave us hanging thinking what do we do or what could we have done? To help you that's a helpless fucking feeling That's a helpless fucking feeling. Don't do that to the people that care for you You know when I wanted to get off coke. It was two reasons

I wanted to prove people wrong and number two. I didn't want my wife terry to find me She didn't just Lee doesn't deserve to find me on the floor. No some people. Yeah, you're a piece of shit anyway You've done fucked up shit There you go a little something for the podcast people can't start off on monday without a good fight, you know what I'm saying But this I didn't want terry to find me on the floor with a purple fucking arm And my nose all fucking black and blue from fucking snort and coke and I didn't want that I did not want that she couldn't handle it And you have to think like that sometimes you really do you have to think about the people that love you and the people that care for you

So before you do that dumb shit like when I was doing all that dumb shit It's because I would put in my mind purposely that nobody gave a fuck about me Well, that's what I was gonna say is that I think that there's a lot of people that feel like that They don't have friends. I would put that in my mind all the time. Nobody gives a fuck about me. So lee come rob this thing I'll take the gun you sit in the car and you go. Why I want to I really want to shoot that guy go Because if we get caught you got a mom with a dad. I got nothing So I would put in my head that nobody cared for me. That was my excuse to do the crazy things I did, you know, which

Who the fuck knows, you know, you do them and you move on and you live and I don't live there no more I do not live there. Some of the things I did bring me down But I don't let them get me down They bring me down for a minute or two, but I don't stay there I get myself out of there. I remind myself of what I was The person who I was and who I am today and what I am today And I don't stay there because that's not who I am anymore at all

How long did it take you to be able to do that though years Took me years to deal with all these things That's I mean it's You have to really be honest with yourself. But that's something that I think A lot of people can't do is be honest either with their friends or even just with themselves It's hard. It's hard to be brutally honest sometimes 1990 I went on a mission to do something good every day Because for years I had done something bad every day And even if there was there was days I just shoplifted

You know in 95 and 94 but from 1990 on I really make a conscious note To try to do good that if I had a dollar I would give away 80 cents to somebody just for the bad things I had done before Like I put that in my head. That's really in my head even today And today that's what makes me feel good about myself That I could help young comics that I can help some people out

You know last week with uki spooky. I made it up to Ralphie. You know, that wasn't my thing. I love uki I would have brought uki anyway. I'll do anything for uki But I wanted to do that for uki and for Ralphie. It didn't mean anything to me, you know, I'm saying Getting her a plane ticket and flying her up. What's the difference? What's I'm gonna pay the taxes anyway, you know, but it wasn't about the 300 bucks It was about the commitment and making somebody's day That's what it was about and for somebody not to make my day in the future But maybe someday my daughter's in the need

for somebody to make a day And that karma gesture will come back to her and the person won't try to fuck her or won't try to put a pill in her soda or nothing like that That's why you give people the respect they deserve And you never have problems You know, yeah, I was a piece of shit for 30 years Maybe for 35 years But I'll tell you well for the last 25 30 I've been You know for the last 20 I've really tried every day to do something

That I would never do before something conscious to make somebody's day whether it's the cats Whether it's a neighbor or whether it's a ride something Well, how much is having a kid change that? Because I mean you do you look at her and not want her to go through these issues. Is that what makes you think about it? I look at her and I I don't want to go through these issues And I look at her And I don't want her

To get hit with a karma move from me Because you have sins of your father That you have to live with And I worry about that There's a lot of creepy things. I fucking did And I worry about that she's gonna be a recipient of that karma that I did, you know specifically four or five things That I'm scared of but I pray I try to be a good man every day. I try to help somebody every day. I try to

Take somebody's frown away into a smile That's it I'm not talking about giving somebody money or nothing. No Just taking somebody's frown away To a smile talking to them on the phone maybe making them laugh Something you know checking in with somebody letting somebody know they're not alone in the world It's fucking good. It's good for you It's little disciplines that you do

To help you you know Anybody could donate 500 bucks to something that that's not it That's not it. I want you to work for a little bit every day. I want you to get on the phone. I want you to have to Mail something I want you to have to something Something to show the universe that you're a human being, you know, that's what I had to do after all those years Show the universe that I was a human being. That's tough

Because the universe is seeing your other sides. He saw all the wallets I stole All the dumb shit I did, you know, so But like I said, if anybody's going through stuff or whatever, please Before you jump or hang yourself, what the fuck are you gonna do to the sad in our world? Talk to somebody that's the most important thing. All right people talk to somebody People are there for you. You'd be fucking surprised And it's the person you least expect but

You have your friends And if you gotta pay somebody 140 dollars pay somebody 140 dollars whatever it takes for you not to fucking jump off the building And that's it and that's that don't forget next saturday. I'm at kalusa casino. It's sold the fuck out july 13th and 14th at the south point in las vegas and july 26 and 27th At wise guys in utah. I do not know when the netflix special is coming out But I'll let you know the date and we'll have a fucking party and we'll stream and we'll do the whole fucking thing Besides that don't forget fujisports.com

Gs mats shin guards Boxing gloves, whatever the fuck you need rash guards fujisports has it fujisports has it Tremendous quality tremendous durability Toughen and shit and it's quality you pay a dollar you get a dollar's worth of quality And that's what I fucking tell you people. That's why I like fujis That's why I like the rash guards. That's why I believe in them. So do me a favor. How about the church? What's happening now go to fujisports.com right now and press in church bam and get 10 off your order right now number two From day one. I've worked with fucking on it today. I made the best

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Bam and get 10 off your order delivery to your house. Don't forget. I love you motherfuckers. We'll be back Wednesday morning Ready to rock And I'll see you then have a great week. Have a great monday. Don't let nobody fuck with you And remember we're out there to help man So Before you do that swan dive make a fucking call. Have a great day. We love you motherfuckers stay black Kick this fucking muley Thinking the thing is gone by

And the thing I want out of life is I want you I want you You can run, you can hide, but you'll never get away You can lie in the night, but you know you're gonna play Never loved, never thought you could Reach your eyes, girl, you know how I would You can fight for the nights of drugs and you can lose

I want you You can walk in a haze, you can travel till you die Hey, you can live in a dream, not your life will pass you by Every day that you have to take You'll never change in the hands of a mate You can fight for the nights of drugs and you can lose I want you I want you

Hey, baby, baby, baby, I want you I want you I want you In the morning, I raise my head And I'm thinking the thing is gone by And the thing I want out of life is I want you Baby, baby, baby, baby, I want you

I want you Baby, baby, baby, baby, I want you I want you Baby, baby, baby, baby, I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you

I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you you