Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #593 - Jessimae Peluso

Episode Date: June 13, 2018

Jessimae Peluso, comedian, actress, and the host of the "Sharp Tongue" and the "Highlarious" podcasts, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   
Recorded live on 06/12/2018.


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Jesse made Paluso. Uncle Joey. And the Christ killer. What were you doing the first time you heard? How old were you the first time you heard this, Jesse? Just give me an estimation. About 17. The first time you heard it, what did you do? What did you think? I immediately grabbed my vibrator. No, I just, I felt it. I don't know. It just felt like, I think it was the first time I realized, oh, everything else I'd been listening to before this was complete shit. Like you can't go from new, you can't go from new kids on the block to fucking Led Zeppelin. Like who put this out for you? Brother or boyfriend? I had friends that were musicians in Syracuse. My uncle

was musician. He had a band. It was a disco band, but all those guys played that for the gig, but they all loved Zeppelin and you know, just like real rock and roll. And so I just, I would ride in cars with them and just be smoking and drinking weed and listening to this music. Yeah. First time I heard this out, I must have been 12. And I was scared of Led Zeppelin at that time. You were scared of that? Yeah, 11, 12. I was still a Catholic. I still believed in God. These people had long hair and mustaches, bids. They were antithesis. Yeah. You know, when they did drugs, I'm like my parents, my mom did drugs and shit, but this was different. These guys were animals. They were animals. Like they were just white

fucking animals and I was not tolerating it at all. But I heard this. So it didn't like affect you like you wanted to like? I liked black music at the time. Yeah. I liked Spanish music. Like I really liked Spanish music and I liked black music, like WBLS type shit. Yeah. I was going to say like, what was your black music? I was finally breaking into music like rock. I was into pop music, like whatever was on W ABC. I listened to. What was your pop? My pop was El John. Yeah. Don't go breaking my heart. Oh my God, I can imagine 12 years old singing that shit. No, no. When I was 12, when I got thrown out of Sacred Heart School for boys, I went to McKinley in the sixth grade. And McKinley was a public school? Public

school in North Bergen. What'd you do to get thrown out? I beat the fuck out of the nun. I looked at none on fire, Jack. Me and four other characters. I find it really strange. How fucking crazy. You couldn't stand Led Zeppelin. Like their music is literally, it sounds like a nun being set on fire. Well, this whole fucking thing was, I was into the whole Catholicism thing. I'd heard rumors of devils and shit like that with Led Zeppelin. And that just wasn't me, man. You know, between my Catholicism and my Santeria roots, none of mine are my Catholicism roots, but then my Santeria Cuban roots, I'm not listening to those Zeppelin death fucking. It's on the other side. It was on the other side for me.

So I just refused. So I listened to El John, which is, you know, if you didn't know he was a fag in the sixth grade, you better check yourself. You know, when you first saw Bernie Taupin, the guy who wrote the music for him, like, you know, it was Philadelphia Freedom. It was good by Yellowbrick Road. Oh God. It was the heart and soul of Elton John. Yeah, that's a broken. It was, it was brilliant. It was brilliant. Rocket Man. Yeah. That shit that they did on that fucking little genie. Yeah. What's the one they sang on Almost Famous when they're on the bus? And then I'll start tiny dancing. Jesus Christ. All that shit I grew up on. Elton John was coming out with a new, one of those every fucking, it

seemed like every 90 days. Was him being gay a thing then? No. Nobody knew he was fucking gay. No one said anything. Nobody knew. Nobody wanted to know. It was like Liberace. There was like six people. If you didn't know they were gay, there was something wrong with you. But you over, it was like Liberace, for example. Right. You don't say nothing. Like, no, like everybody may believe like Liberace, Liberace. He was sucking it. I don't know. I don't know nothing about nothing, but I know Liberace is up to something. Like he was only original Harvey Weinstein. He was just doing it to young boys. He was. He was. You know, when the movie came out, it was a little disturbing on HBO. Yeah, that was. And if the movie was

disturbing. Imagine the reality. The reality of it has to be even more disturbing. Yeah, because the movie, it's watered down. And I ain't mad at Harvey talking little, young, confused guys into sucking his dick. Showing up with a wig. Big pimpin' behind your ring to suck his dick. If Harvey dressed as Liberace, I would be less mad. Yeah. I'm like, you added some flair to your deviance. Do you ever see how much money Liberace has? Yo, and it's like people like that, they're so creative. They don't know how to handle the money. Like they start buying like gold plated toilet holders. So what are you doing? You're like rapper rich. What are you doing? Fuck it. Everything was gold. I remember still being a kid like

19, maybe 18 and a half and working for an electrician at Aspen. And I was installing electric towel warmers for people who just, you should have seen these bathrooms I was installing. Yo, that is so opulent. This was already 1983. I need it for my house now though. It sounds awesome. This was 1983 and you should have seen this. The size of the bathroom was honest, honest, the size of my living room and kitchen. And where was this? Like was this in New York or Jersey? This was in Aspen, Colorado. Oh, Colorado. Oh, I mean, there's money out there. This was Aspen in the mountains. That's wealth. Right above like maroon bells and shit. Yeah. That's what I call my tits. We did a little fucking

housing thing there. Like there was two houses and we planted the, I don't forget it was December 18th, like December. Fuck. No, I'm lying to you guys. Was it wintertime? It had to be December 20th, December 22nd, Christmas present in 1983. And you couldn't see your hands. It was the snowflakes were so big. And me and this guy, Greg Yeager, the name of the company was Yeager Electric in Aspen, Colorado. That's how good my fucking memory is. Your memory is really impressive, especially for the amount of edibles you consume. Greg fucking Yeager. And I was working at Aspen Electric and things were starting to blow up up there and I put a beat on a guy up there and he disappeared. Right? Like there was a guy

that he disappeared. He disappeared. This movie just took a turn. What happened was, yeah, I was working for electric. I was working with this electrical company. I'm maybe 18. I'm fucking nuts. I'm living around all these yokels in Aspen, Colorado. I can't imagine you in Colorado. I'm a full time criminal, but I'm watered down to an electrician. I'm an electrician's helper making maybe, maybe nine an hour. Oh, and then I would wash dishes two nights a week and I would steal everything that wasn't stapled down at that place from the shrimp bags of french fries. I would have robbed the waitresses. I didn't give a fuck. The Coke dealer was the chef. So he was cooking and run to his house and rob him and go

back and wash dishes like nothing happened. You would not leave your job and run to his house. Yes, I would. Towards the end. Oh my God. How is that fuck? Towards the end? You were 18. Were you feeding, excuse me, were you feeding an addiction? At that time, I was feeding the addiction of just being a piece of shit. It was what made my dick hard. Was if I found that Justin May Paluso was a scumbag, she's going down. And I would fuck with you first a little bit. Yeah, mentally. I'd break into your house and steal like 100 out of your wallet. Yeah. And I'd be like, who the fuck? And then mental warfare. And I'd go into your house to Coke and take an eight-ball out. Mine would be organic green tea.

It'd be really boring. And you'd go, what the fuck is going on? Right. Is there a ghost? And it was just that type of shit. I was just going crazy. I was working for this company, Aspen Electric, and we were doing this taxi cab place where it's like 12 bays. Right. Six of them would have washed them, two of them were for like a... Service. And then the other three, I don't know what the fuck they were. And we had installed like those long light bulbs. I forget what they called and we had installed the plug and we were there for like three months and they kept switching guys and finally hit me with this dude that was just a dick. Like nobody got along with him in the company. Nobody, like they kept me. He got the arguments with people. He was a no-it-all. He was maybe,

if I was 18 and 19, he was maybe 40-ish, 38-ish, 35-ish, just a real fucking prick. Right. And he probably was more of a prick because you were younger. And he used to fuck with me about being from New York. You fucking Yankee cocksucker and all this shit. And one day I said something to him in front of a few guys. Like at lunchtime, some guys were there with us. They were working around the corner or something. And they were eating with us when they left. About an hour later, he just came out of nowhere with a knife and put it to my neck. One of those cutters, the box cutters. He's like, don't try to disrespect me again in front of these fucking people. And he had me. Just a minute, it was nothing I could do. I was standing on pipes

to boot. So I had no footing. And he had me. I had this motherfucker. Just on Street Valley alone. I had him. Just on what I knew. But I couldn't make a move. I couldn't even reach from a wallet. I couldn't reach from a pipe. Nothing. I was on pipes. So I said, you're the man. And I let him go. And I thought about it. And I told this guy I was shooting with on Sundays. And he goes, listen, you're going to go back to Jersey and let your dad down and shoot him, aren't you? I go, yeah, he goes practice on him. So for like two weeks, I went down and I knew all his moves. And I worked at the guy. And then I would say, what are you doing tonight? I'm going to this bar named Murphy's. Just telling you everything. But I lived 20 miles from him. Yeah. So I had

to stalk him for like two weeks. Oh my God. I watched the bar he went to. And then I piped him one night. I piped him with a, I got him with a hanger and one of those, you know, those sticks that Bruce Lee used and into the dragon. The one, just one along the long one. Oh yeah. Instead of using a night watch or stick. Where did you get that? What's with the question? What's with the question? No, at your local dicks? Sporting? No, no, no, no, you couldn't get nothing because they treat you as a zoom, they can trace everything. So everything you get has to be very yeah. A trunk. He got it from a trunk Lee, the same place that Slices, Salami was at your feet. That's really good. You get a hanger. You open the hanger and you fold it in half and you take

electrical tape and you flatten out that hanger. You make a handle, you make like a 12 inch handle. Is everybody listening? And you take that hanger and if I whipped you with that hanger at night, you won't know what's going on for the first two minutes. It sounds like it would also well your skin. All you're seeing is this and you're going and you can't see it. I'll pop you in the face first. Jesus. Oh yeah, it's hard. Why is this being directed at me? No, no, no, no, no. So this is what happened. So I got the guy on a Saturday and that Monday he didn't go to work. I'm sitting at work and I'm like, oh, is he going to come in and say, you know, because I left him there yelling for his life. Did he see you? No, I had a mask on.

Hit him in the face with a hanger already. I had everything. He didn't want to see me. This is my first step. He didn't want to see me. So I beat him up a little bit and just ran away. Yeah. I threw the mask away in the jacket as I was driving and all this shit. I went back to Fred's and I went to my house in Snowmass and that Monday I went back to work and like nothing happened. They're like, oh, he didn't call in today or whatever. He didn't come in. That was it. Nobody said nothing Tuesday. Nobody said nothing Wednesday at the breakfast, at the lunch, at the, when you come in, the guy would always come on and go, okay, today's lineup lead. You're going with Jesse May over to the house up on Aspen. You're finishing up the reroute. Fuck. How come

I got to go get the fuck out? Joey, you're going with Stan. You're going up to Snowmass Village to finish up the apartments up there. Like the guy would give you orders. He would come out for on the third day. He's like, where's fucking whatever his name was? Where is he? Anybody here from? Why don't you pass by his house on the way down to that job and see what's going on? Maybe he's sick. Maybe his phone's broken. Maybe nobody's heard from him. He's dead in his condo. I don't understand that going, oh, shit. Maybe he got beat up. I couldn't wait to come back at 4.30 to find out what happened. And we got to like a 10 to five and we got the overtime, but it still sucked because my heart was beating. When I walked in, they were sitting there and

the guy's drinking coffee and they're like, man, that's the weirdest thing. Yeah, we went to his house. He moved. He moved. He moved. Yo, that's a good beating. You beat someone so bad. They fucking moved. I picked up and he left. I think they don't even want to tell on you they move. That's powerful. I think I'd probably do the same thing. Fuck. You got beat up in the door. He didn't know with me. He had no idea. You wouldn't hurt anybody in the first place. I hope not, not enough to get beat up in the dark. Not even emotionally. I don't know. Maybe, but that's Jesus Christ. You're not worried that he's listening to this? Who could he say he's 80 now? What's he gonna do? What's he gonna do? 80-year-old people still have rights? Yeah, but what's he gonna do? He starts to prove I'm there.

Have you seen them fight? He starts to prove what year it is, what month it was. He starts to come up with a lot of shit. All right. Tell me where he lives. When 80-year-olds fight, they look like they're auditioning for a thriller or a choreography. So, yeah, after like a month of sitting there and waiting, what is this guy gonna come back and get me? You thought that? I really thought that and the job started dying down. And one day I met this guy outside of like fucking a supermarket and he had an electrical thing and I went up to him like a man. I go, hey, my name is Joey. I'm an electrical helper. Do you need anything? He goes, not right now, but here's my card. Keep in touch with me. Because what type of experience do you have? I kept telling him. You're like,

I'm really good with hangers. And then I called him like twice and the second time, because you could start tomorrow full-time. So that's why I remember hanging that. I'll never forget hanging that fucking. I forget what you call it now. It was 30 fucking years ago, people. It was like the first piece of electricity to a neighborhood. Like the first type? It's the first wire that gets the whole hood. And we do the post. You put it on the post and then you put like a board. A board. A board. A board. Son of a bitch. I'll never forget that. I'm like, bro, we gotta go home because the snow is coming down. He's like, we can't go home. This has to be done today. Me and him were in this fucking blizzard. Cars were doing fucking 60 past us. We were like

20 feet from the road. In fact, the cars were sliding off the road. I'm like, don't want to get fucking killed here. For $9 an hour? For $9 an hour. Maybe 10 at the time. Maybe 10. Who the fuck? You're like, I just want to go to people's houses and steal their shit. Why am I in the snow? But that was my cover just now. See, if you sit at your house, I lived in such a small community at the time that if I didn't go to work, they would peg me for the thief. Right. So in my world, I was always working. Just to keep good face. Even when I had those two weeks off over the holidays, yeah, I would shovel snow for fucking 15 an hour cash. Now, is that like a cocaine

euphemism? Or are you like actually? I would shovel snow outside, but I'd be casing the joints. I'd look at what time Jesse may leave, what time she comes back, who she leaves with. Because all the condos were together. It was like C. It was like A, B, C, D. We were all together. It was, I forget what the Greek apartments were called. Snow Creek apart. I don't know what they were. So they were all together. So I'd be out there shoveling. I'd see you leave. I'd see Lee leave. You take a little time stamp in your mind. Sure. That's how professionals do it. And then I had my roommate at the time was an engineer on paper. On paper. So all the fucking engineer on paper. What kind of paper? College ruled.

Listen, let's say you went to school for four years and you got all eight pluses. And you're supposed to graduate in June and in fucking January, you get into a fight with eight dudes and knock six of them out. You're not graduating. You're not graduating. So he came back home. His brother had graduated from Brown. He was at the Air Force Academy. This whole family was genius. The older brother was at Brown going to school with Jackie Cavley's son. We were talking about the Cavley before. Yeah. I still remember visiting him up there. And Jackie O was on campus and they'd be yelling, cunt. They were crazy. They were crazy. Cunt to Jackie O. If they were only alive today and realized what real cunts are. Yeah. No, no, no. That was fucking crazy.

For this from the cunt. So the one brother went to Yale. The other brother went to listen to this. The other brother went to the Air Force Academy and got thrown out of the scene a year and he was a genius. Why did he get thrown out? For getting into a face fight. I mean, come, I mean. And then the other brother was a great mechanic in grammar school. You know those kids that lived next door to you that were fixing alarm clocks? I didn't have those kids. I lived next door to old lady. This motherfucker and he was living out in San Diego. But the other brother's very interesting. Was I telling you this lady the other day? Like a little off? The other brother, no. The other brother's a janitor at the World Trade Center. That seems like a very smart

job. The first time they bombed the building, he was drinking across the street in 94. Because he's an Alki. He's an Alki. Thank God. Yeah. So the first time the building got bombed in 94, 93, he was across the street getting drunk on a Friday. The second time we got bombed, he was down the show. He called in sick because he was hungover. Wow. From Sunday. Alcoholism saved his life. Ironically, you never know what it's going to be. You never know if it's a DJ. It could be a fucking suka la mink or it could be fucking alcoholism. Something's going to save your life. Jesse Maypalusa, where the fuck have you been? You came in here with some white dude that looked like a mad scientist with 18 weeds. Oh, that was my dispensary partner. I still think

I got some of the weed. He brought you so much weed. That was Travis Turner. Still think I got fucking a baguette weed. We call it our earthquake weed. Yeah, that's my shop partner. We smoked a bunch of it. Then we saved like a half ounce. Yeah, you gotta save some. It's still in there getting moldy, nice. Oh, good. There's an earthquake. Me and Lee are gonna smoke that so straight. Just hide under the couch and smoke each other out. That's it. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be fucking fine. Oh, please. We'll be in the here fucking buried. This is a great place to hotbox because you got like professional lighting and I feel like being high with that is really just special. You said you're gonna go open up the weed store. You called me. You invited

me to your grand opening. It was our soft opening for friends. So here I figured you were rocking and rolling and I see that you tweeted something. Yeah, then they go, what the fuck is this? Where is this bitch? I don't see her at the store no more. I'm thinking you down there in Venice with little miniskirt on selling but smoking weed with dirty white people. You know what I'm saying? You never know. Bad mouth in your country. I didn't know what you were doing. No, I was just a fucking event. You're still on the road. You're still on the road. Not as much. I just been writing a lot, writing a bunch of shit and working on, you know, movies and stuff. I'm trying to write a movie right now. That seems like I don't know if that's a good idea because I feel like it takes

17 years for the movie to even be shot. Have you ever embarked on that? What happens if you don't write it? I would go crazy. Okay, then. Yeah. That's your answer. Yeah, exactly. You know, today I woke up sore as fuck from going to kickbox on Monday and throwing kettlebells around on Sunday. You're getting spelt as fuck. And I went to, today I had a chance to, and my daughter's home. She graduated on fucking Friday, so there's no school this week. So tomorrow or Thursday, we're going to Disneyland. So fucking. What a dream for a little girl. Can you believe this? Holy hell, that's going to cost you an arm and a leg. Have fun with that. You better bring a backpack. I didn't even ask my wife. She goes, you don't want to know. You better like bring an

extra hand. I just know. It's going to be a G. Oh, please. A G is complimentary. That's what you're giving them at the door. Three people. Oh, fuck it. You're done. You're already out of G with parking. 50 a piece. You're out. That's 450. A hot dog puts you over a G. How fucking crazy is that? This economy today that a family cannot go to Disneyland, a fucking Laker game. For less than $300. A Yankee game is $50 to park. Gas is $5 a gallon right now. $50 to park. And then to drive there. What does the American family do today? They suck dick to survive. Two kids and two parents. It's insane. They can't do dick. Well, you can't. Well, the reality is 600 a plane ticket. I mean, you're fucking out. No kid prices. You can't do that. You can't spend time together. You're working.

You're working the whole fucking time to go and do shit for three hours because the rest of the time you got to work to be able to pay for everything. It's fucking crazy. That's what I've been doing. I just been working, working. You know, sometimes you work and people don't see you, but you're doing a lot of shit. Like I've been like a cockroach lately, just like working on things that are going to be have a little bit more longevity. I've been doing sets and stuff and still on the road. I told you, I'm going to be in Pasadena on Saturday. But yeah, just been trying to like create shit that I actually care about. My dad recently got diagnosed with Alzheimer's. So that's that totally changed my perspective on everything. Like when real shit happens, I mean, you know,

your whole life has been fucking turmoil and just dealing and surviving. But like when someone you love has that sort of thing happen to you, you start to shake up the shit that you're going through and see what's really important. And then you shed all the fat and they start focusing on real stuff. So that's what I've been doing. I just been like pivoting my career in my life, getting it in a direction where I'm working on shit that actually will sustain me emotionally, not doing anything for money. So crazy. When I first moved here, the first five years, I was at the store every night. Yeah. And in my mind, if I didn't see you, you were like, what the fuck are you? Like I'm out at night. I was in the improv, but I was what I should say is I would

always end up at the store. Yeah. I'd be at the improv. I'd be at all the Mexican rooms, very three or four times a year in the old days. I would go to the Laugh Factory, but I was everywhere else. Yeah. When you don't see people out, you go, what the fuck is up with them? Yeah, where the fuck are they? Well, guess what? Now I understand that. Yeah. Now I understand that when I have to go listen. If I do a podcast two nights a week, if I go on stage two nights a week, that's four. Yep. If I see my wife one night and if, you know, like you try to do two spots on those nights. Right. So you're doing four spots. Yep. So when you're in town, you're doing five to six spots a week. Yep. And you have to break up the time. You have to break up the time.

You've got to have, you've got to have some sort of fucking balance. There's someone said to me recently, my agent actually said to me, there's no such thing as work-life balance. There is. If you really want to be successful, balance is the only thing that's going to get you there. Let's stop right now because you're going to get my blood pressure. I know. Let me explain one thing to you. Yeah. Everything I say, you're like, what the fuck? I love my agents daily. I love my managers daily, but we live in a time when they're not too good at their job. It's really crazy. I like my agents a lot. My managers not like them, but they're not good. Shit's changing so fast. Also, like in their defense, they're competing with like,

you know, drunk people who have successful YouTube pages that are, you know, I don't know, making pasta fajol. I don't know what they're doing, but there's the level of celebrity has changed. Like who's a celebrity now has changed and where their focus, where their focus is, is also changed. There's like a, you know, we're competing with YouTube celebrities and Instagram famous people. So I feel like everything's diluted now and they're in a panic because they don't know how to market these people and they're trying to market these other people who are new in the industry and put them on the fucking road and then everybody else sort of, it's hard to balance all of their other clients. Like, but you're right. It is, it's a, it's a weird

time to be an entertainer. It's a weird time. First off, I'm not competing with nobody because I'm not trying to be famous and I'm not trying to be on TV no more. I'm just trying to exist for five more fucking years. Yeah. And then like, there's a ranch somewhere that's waiting for Uncle Joey. A ranch in the sky or like a legit place in like Omaha. That sounds so beautiful. Are you going to retire there? Somewhere there's a ranch with my asshole on it. Are you really going to retire in a ranch? I have no idea. I better get invited. I'm just holding on right now. I hope you get horses, you know, or alpaca at the very least. You know, it sucked. What sucked? Listen, I knew

when I did my first movie that the life of a celebrity was not the life I like at all. That's how I feel. I feel that. I don't like the way people treat them. I don't like how they treat people. I don't like what they do to people, how they act on the sets. It was never for me. It was always a job for me when I found that insurance and it was just a job for me. Yeah. You know, I did some great projects early on. I learned a lot. I learned a lot about the business. There's so much more to what people see. That's one of the biggest things. So much more. So much more. So much involved in just creating. I'm 55. I took all the fucking junk I had already. I've been here since I was 20 years.

I've been here since I was 55, 35. But wait, so when I said there's no such thing as work-life balance, what is your response to that? Has somebody who's been through this whole industry? My response is this, okay, they have a job to do and you have a job to do. That job is to put you on the road every week from Wednesday to Sunday, which I'm mad at that. Yeah. Think about it. Switch it. That was my job to pimp out Lee every week from Wednesday to Sunday. This motherfucker be rolling in pepperoni. This motherfucker be out every week. I talk him into different town by food. But I'm still getting pimped out every week? We get in a garbage play in Philly. We get in your pizza in New York. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just sending them to places

that have good food. Just for food, motherfucker. You want some lobster roll? To 500, then I'll pull them in and send them to a fat camp, have CAA pay for it, and then put them back out there again, let them bust his fucking head from blood. They don't care. No. There's no science to it no more. We're going to do this, to do this, to do this. The strategy. There's nothing. Yeah. That's interesting. I, you know, listen, I know exactly what I want. I know what I don't want. I love working on TV, but it's got to be a certain way. And I love working on film. It's got to be a certain way. And I'm nobody to the man that way. Yeah. So it's never going to happen. Yeah. It's never going to happen. But there's beauty in that. There's freedom in that. That's it. That's it.

I just want to keep doing this till Lee comes to me and says he doesn't want to do the podcast no more. Until literally his eyes cannot open ever again. Yeah. I think that's what's going to happen with Lee. His face is just going to become like permanently stoned and you're only going to be able to peer through like a millimeter slit in your eyes like right now. Do you think I'll get disability for that? I hope so. You didn't get nothing. I'll help you. There ain't nothing. Fuck. I am like the one of the appealing thing. No, thank you. That's terrible. My cookie. You don't want my you don't want my natural cookie. No. It is appealing to be able to do what you guys do from anywhere.

Like it's if you really didn't want to you didn't have to live in LA. Yeah, that's true. And that's you know, that's the ideal like podcasting. That's my podcasting. So great. And that's my stand up is so great. You can just you travel and you meet people and you have these places that you've never gone to before. And I like that part of it. And I'm just I'm learning and embracing being more independent and selective about what I do. And so I took time to really think about what the fuck I want to do and what the fuck I want to do is I want to write a movie. I want to talk about what's going on with my dad and share that shit. I want to bleed a little on stage. I want it to like, you know, I'm all cool. I'm cool with a dick joke. I love a dick joke,

but it's got to come from my heart. Is there a Doberman barking someplace? Where might be? It did my edible kick in. Is there a fucking Rottweiler on the other side of this wall? What's his name? Measures successes going from area to area and staying entertained. Okay. My philosophy on this was no matter what, I was always going to have three, 20 hour a week jobs. Do you know what I'm saying? Because one would count to the other and the other one would count to the other. You would have two jobs Monday to Friday and then a job Saturday and Saturday. And every job had a purpose. Saturday and Sunday's job wasn't really strenuous. I didn't really get rich, but it saved me 800 a weekend because I'm not doing stupid

shit on the weekends. If you're single, you can live that life and do all this stuff. So the agent's job is to book you and your job is to have a life. Your job is to go, listen, yeah, I'm going out every week. This is what I average a month. I'm living like a pimp and you become blind by that pimp. Yes, you do. And next thing, you know, you have a publicist, you have an agent, you got all the manager, you have all these people that are taking money out of your car career accoutrements. You don't need. And you don't need, you don't need. They make you believe you need all that garbage. And it's such a, it's like, it's like when you go for a car, they're like, Oh, put the pro package. And you also got to get the flaps. And you got the,

the, and it's like, you don't need all those accessories. Will the car get me from A to B? Don't put the fucking fancy shit on it. No, I can put my own gas in the tank. Well, I feel bad when people first get here. And they really put you to leave. You not remember this? No, what does this do? Oh, my God. You don't have an agent and 13 agents and manager. You don't need this. You don't need an agent. Do this. Every casting director looks at these. You put six headshots up and you pay them $300. And when the casting director wants a person, they press a button and your picture comes up. What's that cost you? That cost you fucking 300 a year. And then the headshots are 400. And then the fucking, and then the fucking to put two

headshots down at the commercial place is $50 a headshot. The third one is free. Thanks. Thanks. So the first two or 50 bucks a piece and the third one is free. Thanks. Thanks. Like you're really helping my fucking family out. Like everything's a fucking scam. So yeah, you go out on commercial auditions, but let me tell you what happens when you're like, for you people who are sitting there going, you know what? I can't wait till I'm fucking sad. Let me lay it on you, you little fucks. Let me tell you what sag means. Sag means that they take more money out of your pocket without you knowing. Because first of all, it's $37,000 to get level one insurance and it's $25,000 to get level two insurance. Then after that, you're fucked. You might as well listen.

You know how hard it is to get to $25,000 and $37,000 consistently on a $1,000 a job. You might as well pray that Harvey gets acquittal. Yeah. And you get back to sucking dick jack. You take it. Because I know there's a little bunch of bitches somewhere going, fuck, Harvey's not there no more. That was my ticket. I was just working on a divorce to get out there 23 with this good ass Bombay pussy and dropping on these white Jewish fools and shit and start suing motherfuckers under the me too battering shit. Yeah. Are you kidding me or what? Yeah. Sorry about that people. I want a little tangy thing. We're a civic person. Never apologize for speaking your truth. Don't apologize for that shit. The truth

of the matter is they fucking rape every fucking level of you. But let me tell you about sag and how sag works. So you book your little first job, you call home, daddy, daddy, mommy, mommy. I booked my first job. Oh, we're so proud of you. When you come on TV. Oh my God, it's a new show on CW. They bought two episodes. 11 episodes. I'm on the 11th one. I play a dick sucker. I'm the girl on the back. Yeah. I play a dick sucker. I'm the co-girl behind the lead actor. Does everybody have any lines? I'm the bitch taking a chair. You do get a line. You do get a line or two. I got six words. You do get a line or two. Yeah. You got a line or two. And then you get boom and then you're happy. And then like two weeks later, you book another job. And

now it's tremendous because the agent calls you and says, oh my God, Lee, you booked this job. Congratulations. It pays 1350. You shoot June 14th. And that's it. And all of a sudden you'll be sitting there going, oof. And you'll call your friends going, I made it. I made it, bitches. I made it, bitch. And all of a sudden you get this call beep. And it's three, two, three, five, four, nine, something. You're like, who's this? This must be like fucking some producer that wants to talk to me and the shit. And you're like, hello. And they're like, hi, is this Jose? And you're like, yeah, this is Jose. And they're like, okay, this is Mildred from Screen Actors Guilt. Oh, I was saying Mildred. Right. This is Mildred from Screen Actors Guilt.

I don't think they're going to get along. How are you doing today, Jose? They sound like they have opposing political views. Congratulations on this job you booked. Yes. Yes. Congratulations. Thank you. What? The bad news is this. There's no bad news. I got to tell you, it's all good news. The good news is you're a bother, Screen Actors Guilt now. So what we need from you is to tell us how we're going to pay for this little transaction. You're sitting there going, what are you talking about? I just booked a job. I'm like, I'm getting 1200. I get a check in fucking 10 days. I'm snorting. I'm fucking that little waitress from the store

in the ass. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. What are you talking about? And they're like, no, to shoot that job. It's going to cost you. What's it going to cost me? It's going to cost you 1500. It costs me 12. They asked me for 12 on the phone right away. 1250. How are you going to pay for this? Cash, charge. What do you want to do? You got a couple of molars. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? They're like, we need our 1250. That's a low number. However you get it to us. That was then. It's 20. It's like 30. It's like three. Yeah. It's 2750. And now they finance. Yep. They do finance. Back then, they were like, I'm like, how about I give you three

and pay you when I get the check? And they're like, the Mildred is like, this ain't going to work. It was 1250 and you better have it the day of, but you ain't stepping on that set. There's going to be a dude from SAG waiting for you. Yeah. That's what people don't realize. There's union jobs and there's not union jobs. So, okay. In order to work, you have to get into the union sometimes. So you call your grandfather, he lends you 1000, Lee lends you five. Lee don't got five. And you fucking take a thousand from mom for a small fee and you pay for SAG. Now you get that job and you pay Lee back and you get a few jobs and you pay Lee back and you get

boom and everything is hunky dory. So great. You're killing it. Lee's at the standard and then January 3rd, Lee goes to his mailbox and he sees this letter from SAG that looks like a check. Dudes. It looks like a check. You're like, I got paid, bitch. They even put it like that. So it looks like a check. Yeah. I thought that just a week ago. And you're like, oh shit. I was like, I got some money. I got some money. You open it up and it's dues. It's a check to write to them. It takes like two and a half points. It's a sliding scale. It's like a sliding scale, two and a half points from what you made for the year. What? Then they hit you with that one. And then- I wonder if you go to the doctor so much.

You're just like, I'm getting my fucking- What do you think I go to the doctor for so much? Yeah, I wouldn't even say shit. I would be up there every day. Every fucking day. I got a nose bleeding. I go down there. My ass hurts. I go down there. Sometimes I just go down there and say, hello, how are you doing? Paying a face on my hemorrhoid. You might as well bang me out for the 35. Can you bedazzle my lady? He's from Chicago. So we talk about food. He tells me how he brings the fucking food back from Chicago and stuff. I got a lazy labia, Doc. I don't fuck around. I go to that motherfucker all the time. So then they hit you back, Lee. Again? Then they hit you back with the washout for the year. Yeah, then you got the end of the year dues. And this is the only way-

The end you have to get your new card? Oh yeah, I just got mine too. Yeah, you get that baby. You get this. I just got mine too. And what does that give you? That gives you basically- Do member rights. Let me see. What it gives you? It gives you- Access to health care. Access to dick! Dick! Dick! That card don't get you dick. There was a time. You know that movie theater you go to in the know- There was a time when it got you something. Let me tell you something about that movie theater in know-ho that you like that they read. The Cinemark. The Cinemark. The Cinemark was in a fucked up neighborhood. They got like that fucking- Still in the fucked up neighborhood. They got a jiu-jitsu school around the corner and

stuff. Let me tell you something about that place. That place held on. They were the last place that card meant something. Where you got a discount? Free tickets. Free tickets. See this- Five hours free tickets. You're right. You don't get shit with it. So no, you don't get nothing with it no more. That was the last of the benefits. There was a couple movie theaters in Hollywood that let you go in for free and that place. I got a stack of those. I got every one of my cards. Me too. I do too. Me too. I got a stack like this. I've got a stack like that. Since 1998. Yeah. How often do you get cards? Every once a year. Okay. But they cost money. You just don't get it with that. No, you got to pay your dude. You got to pay your sliding skill dues. I just got

mine too. Yeah, this expires in 2000. Yeah, 18. And then you have your dues. Halloween. Do you have your dues every year too or do they just- Yeah. Yeah. They don't roll that into- Remember since 1998, who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? And you won't get your card unless you pay. So wait, so you have to pay thousands every year plus the percentage of what you make? Yes. For all you people that are waiting to get on SAG. You want your dreams? I'm just letting you know right now. Dreams are expensive. And now I think they want to want- Let's be correct. What do they want, Lee? I don't think they'll tell you online. So Will Smith is giving them 3% or whatever of what he's making? They make so much money. Like it's literally based off of your earnings.

Off your earnings. So I think it's like, I give them one and a half percent because I'm in the lower fucking tier. Yeah, mine too. Mine too. But I think the more you make, I think like Stallone and Will Smith. There's no way they're paying for movie tickets. Their cards must get them, at least in and out burger. They must be getting the milkshake. You think Stallone's not getting nothing free? Yeah, I mean anything Stallone. All these people, they go to a movie theater, you're not going to charge Stallone. What do you think Stallone, like, do you think he gets free shit all the time? Those guys get free shit everywhere, right? Like oil changes and shit. Would you give Stallone a fucking restaurant, Bill? If you own the restaurant and Sylvester

Stallone came in. I don't think I would. I would go over, tell them that. My boss said, thank you, come again. And that would be my chance to shine. I'd go out there and shake his hand and say thank you for coming to my restaurant. You might take a picture. Who's your like, you've had a long career. Who's somebody you've met that you were like awestruck with? Or somebody like in the industry who you wanted to meet and you got to meet and it was like a pivotal moment for you. Was there anybody like that? Like anybody quote unquote famous that you looked up to as a kid or something that you happened to cross paths with along the career? There was a lot of people. Like I dare what creeps me out the most about being here. The people that I watch as a civilian.

That's a great way to put it. That I bump into, that's crazy. Like I saw the movie 29th Street as a civilian. Right. So all those people in that movie from Vinnie Curdo to Anthony Lampoglia to fucking Paulie from Paulie Walnuts from Goodfellas, all those people I saw as a civilian. Right. But pre-career. I want to see this movie, this chick. I want to go see, I don't know what I want to go to see. And there's how pizza ass talked me into going to see a movie called Splash with Tom Hanks. And Daryl Hannah. And Daryl Hannah. Holy fuck. That was a great movie. And my boy, and the fat dude played the brother. Oh god, what's his fucking? Candy, John Candy. Yeah, John Candy. And there's an opening scene. It's a dude from New York. Yep. And he brings some cherries. Vinnie,

what's going on with the cherries? The delivery. The delivery dude. Yeah, the delivery trucks. And he goes, you know, he had a full house. I had to repair. Yeah. We made a deal. He goes, you made a deal with my brother. And he goes, yeah, he said he'd take the cherries. I always looked at that guy and I said, wow, what a fucking great guy. That guy's from New York. That's the guy I need to be. Boom. I did a movie. And he was the guy that played the delicatessen. Put it on. See if you, Vimeo, remember somebody found it, Raffiello's Pizza. That's the name of the movie? That's the name of the, the short. There's very interesting what happened here. Yeah. But let's see if it's on there. Raffiello's Pizza. Maybe they changed the name.

Who the fuck knows? Raffiello's Pizza. Yeah. We did a sketch and the sketch got picked up by HBO. This is. Wow. Is this one of your first things? No. Okay. I've been here for a while. As with last Saturday. Somebody just posted it. Somebody just posted it. Maybe. How old were you? This had to be, I was still doing blow. So it's 2006. BB or AB, before blow or after blow? Before. Before, during blow. That's what we call a DB. I learned something so much deeper into your psyche. Yeah. So this was 2006. Maybe the holidays of 2006. They posted it. There was rumors. Did you find it, Lee? I don't know. There was rumors. There should be, I don't think that's it. I don't think so. No, I can't find it.

Somebody posted it. Somebody found it and posted it on something. You gotta see how this motherfucker spelling Raffiello. What is he spelling? Spelling like a teenage mutant ninja turtle. Right. I just know how to spell it. Can I spell it? R-A. Yeah. But capital R. Does he have a capital? No. No. That's why. He's got like six L's. No. He's a moralist. Trust me. This is what I deal with all the time. This guy does not go to the spelling championship against a Chinese kid. Capital R. I love that. I have to make a sure about something with the capital for the. Yeah, because nobody fucking knows. Nobody fucking wants a lower case. Shit. I don't know. Fucking lower case. I know capital was small. That's it. Pick one, you fuck.

I did. I picked small. Alright, so R-A-F-A. Raff. Raff. F-F-E. Yeah, two F's. Two F's, okay. E-A-L-L-O-A. E-A-R-A-E. E-A-E-A. E-A-R-A-F-E-L-O. I owe you sometimes what? Pizza. Pizza. I did that. Same thing came up. Nothing. No. See? Okay, okay, click that. Which one? Pizza? This one. Or did you mean? Right here. Okay, the way I thought it should be spelled. Same thing. Is it Raff-A-L-L's friend? Vimeo, right here. Yeah, we're on Vimeo. Oh, wait, go down here. This one. What's this one? You believe this? You believe I deal with this young kid? Well, here, I'll look. There we go. These kids live on the fucking computer. Is this your actual computer? Oh, shit, Lee. I just slipped off the arm in the chair.

Are you saying Jesus Christ is dead? Talking shit to me. I was talking shit to you. You just almost fell out of the chair. See what I'm doing. Scroll this, please. Scroll. Oh, yeah, that one's too short for it to be. You think they took it off? I put Joey Dears on there. This is Vimeo, correct? Oh, this is fucking Google. This is what I'm talking about. Go to fucking Vimeo, please. Just go direct to Vimeo. This is what I'm talking about. You see, I got to deal with. You understand what I got to deal with. 29 years old. Do you realize what you look at you right now and look at your podcast logo? You look just like the logo right now. That's why I'm like this. Don't worry about nothing. No, he's just talking to me. No,

I'm talking to him. Put on fucking Vimeo. This is still Google. I'm going to Vimeo. Because Vimeo's on wrong. Look at him. He spells Vimeo Vimee. That's how it's spelled Vimeo. Vimeo with an O and an E. Not an I and an E or whatever the fuck he had. Vimeo. You believe this? He's stressing out. 29 years old. Capital R. Capital R. A. F. E-A-L-O. Apostrophe S. Pizza. Raphael of pizza. Nothing. What the fuck? The confused robot doesn't know what we're talking about. Raphael replaced the two F's with a P-H. Did you hear him talking to himself?

Yeah, no, no, no. Wait till he starts talking. I couldn't. I can barely see that. You think they took it down? Do it again. I did. The same robot came up. Where do you fucking make the glasses? I didn't even know that was me. Both these. Put Joey Diaz videos. I was just saying you should pull up all your videos. Yeah, see Joey Diaz videos and now I'm fucking clearing up unbelievable what I got to deal with. This guy was in splash. Oh, shit. I forgot what we were talking about. And all of a sudden I go up to this fucking pizza place up in what do you call that shit? I go to this pizza place in Calabasas at midnight

shoot. And there's that guy standing there. I went up to him. I'm like, oh my god, you are my favorite in splash. And he goes, what the fuck are you talking about? That was 1983. He got like insulted in a way. The guy really? Yeah. And then we became friends. We was really cool. Me and him. And then I got him a role in something they wanted me for something. I can't believe that audition tape is okay. Someone found it on YouTube. Yeah. You're on your boardwalk. You told me to get off of Google. Google owns YouTube. Yeah. Get off of fucking Google. Google's not going to give it to you. YouTube hasn't. Go to Twitter. Where'd they send it to you? Yeah. Twitter. Watch this.

So this guy totally long go. You found it. Yeah. Oh my god. See, thank you. Thank you. You told me the wrong thing. The type. Yeah. I think the type. You didn't spell it right either by the way. 29 years old college educated. You didn't spell it right either by the way. Just saying, God damn it. That's what you. That's why. That's why I hire you. 29 and college educated. They don't teach us how to spell Italian names. Just sound louder please so she can hear it. Oh my god. What do you sell from this floor? You didn't sell them to me for. What do you sell them to me for? Oh my god.

You guys are so cute. You're like a married couple. Look at this. Joe, you've dropped some LBs. I saw a little thumbnail of you. You've dropped some LBs. Oh, this is going to take a week. What's going on? Let's go. It may be inappropriate for younger viewers. I don't fuck. I eat on the pasta twice just because she is so nice. Angelina. Brandon Clay. Well, that was his fucking name. I keep souping in the strong just to be well. The fuck you laugh at me.

It's that guy. Tony Longo. Hey Joey, how you do? You know how I do. Hey fat Tony, you fat motherfucker. Well, let me get up tonight. You understand me, but no food for you. Look at the nose is clogged, dog from the blow. Who can I get you? This has been getting me balls in a fucking slice. You got it. No problem. Anything else? Yeah. A blow job from your sister. Hey Joey, how many times I got to tell you not to mention my sister? Well, what the fuck are you going to do? You fat pizza making prick?

Jesus. Hey Joey, I love your bro like family. You know this, but how many times I got to fucking tell you not to mention my sister? Don't talk about his fucking sister. Boy, why do you act like that? You know how I act. Don't talk about his sister. What do you act like that? You know what? You make me choke. I love the men. Don't talk about his sister.

Hey, shut the fuck up over there. Shut the fuck up. You don't make me get up. How much? What the fuck do you mean I don't owe you nothing? I got you. Don't worry about it. Well, my fucking money is no good deal. Hey, shut the fuck up. You know I take care of you since you was little. Here now it's my turn to take care of you. Now take my fucking money.

I don't want your fucking money. Take my fucking money. Take the money. Oh, don't make me get up. I don't want your fucks you mother. I don't want your fucking money. You fucking fucking mind. You fucking fucking mind.

Temp the money. Don't make me get up. Don't, Joey, don't. Don't,Зд Who's this guy? The biggest Italian I've ever seen. How's it about you take that stick of yours and jam it up with your fucking stupid eggs? How about I come over and shake off your fucking Jew beer?

Oh, you told me a Jew. You see fucking curly fried dreadlocks in my head. You see me eating chocolate coins? Kiss my fucking eggs. It's behind the counter! You're a true Italian disaster on your four-foot penis-looking motherfucker. Oh, I just come crack your fucking head. Yeah, you should be so lucky to crack your fucking smile after I fucking cracked your teeth.

I just come crack your fucking head. Yeah, come crack my head. I just come crack your fucking head. I just come crack your fucking smile after I fucking cracked your fucking head. Everybody shut the fuck up. Jeans are all right. You can catch them and do what I pay you for. Don't make it up.

Don't make it up. I swear to God. Shut the fuck up. You got that? This is my place. And if I don't want to fucking charge you, I don't fucking charge you. Well, I'm fucking Joey Longuini and if I want to pay for some meatballs and spaghetti, I'll pay for some meatballs and spaghetti. Joey Longuini, you know?

Why are you always gonna come in here and raise your voice? I ain't raising my voice. Just get the fuck out of here already! Shut the fuck up over there! Don't make me get the fuck up. How's that when you're not suckers? You're all a bunch of fucking people. You shut the fuck up over there, you hear me?

What the fuck is this? Just slice. This is triangle shit. Yeah, well, you want to know something? Your head looks like a triangle sometime. This is a fucking triangle shit. My fucking pizza's a silly thing. Yeah? Well, now your pizza's garbage.

So how do you like that? Now you don't get nothing. How do you like that fucking apple? I'm a no-fucking-mooper! Shut the fuck up! Every fucking time I come here to get a fucking slice, he's got six of them in the fucking tape. That's why I can't get one.

You want to know something? You're a real ball buster. You know how to bust my balls, you ball buster. What the fuck is this fucking food now? This is what's coming down. You see a fucking dried food? You see a big purple fuck dancing around with a clown and a fucking lesbian bird?

You want fast food, you don't come in here. You know that. We don't cook fucking hamburgers here, you understand me? Hey, I won't come over here with my fat ass and kid your fat ass. Nevertheless, everybody was in here. I had a heart attack, and that's why I never came back for two fucking years.

Good? I could if I would, Joey. Anything for you. Hey, don't go there. I already want you. I am no longer in the movie. Shit, yeah, I do know how you do it. You can never do what I do.

Hey, I can outdo you doing how you do whatever the fuck you want to do it. You can't do what I do. Hey, boys, listen, take it easy. What did you do? Fuck, we need some more food. Are you Joey? Oh, your mom, I said hello.

And how you do. Shut the fuck up. Then you're gonna get my peppers. Fuck is gonna explode. Shut the fuck up. My fucking fat ass will come and kid your fat ass. That's gonna take my fucking peppers. And then see if I get the fuck up here.

And if anybody will want to fuck you. Fuck him. Fuck him. I'm gonna attack. Should we hold me up again? I'm gonna get the fuck up. I'm leaving. That's it.

I ain't gonna do it. Fuck, take it easy. Put the bottle down. Put the bottle down. Hey, here's something funny. His head looks like a fucking giant. Where's my pepper? Where's my pepper?

I need a t-shirt of your face that says where's my pepper. What was the audition process like for that? What was the audition process like for that? Different octaves of fuck. Let me tell you something. I found this... Look at your face. I found this on...

This was when you could... ...submit yourself. Mm-hmm. On those... What's the name of that? Backstage and those websites. The one that you're originally on. That's all your shit on there? Yeah, yeah, I know what you're talking about.

Has an option. You can submit. 15 years ago, the first year shows would post in there. Yeah. I got a cold case. That's crazy. If you look at the first year of cold case,

disco invasion or something, I was the disco guy. That's crazy. I was the joint minero year to submit all you wanted or a dollar of submission. I took my chance. I paid a dollar of submission

and I booked cold case. I booked low on order SVU. That's crazy. I booked this. I probably booked six or seven jobs. Would you get paid for this one? Do you remember? It was after a low-budget pilot.

And after as a subdivision of SAG. $100, but I made them pay me cash. Yeah, you did. Because you're gangster. I show up, you pay me. They let me out at 11, so the cold deal was open until 1. And you turn that cash right around.

Back in the economy. Back into the neighborhood. Yeah, keep in the neighborhood alive. You're a civilian. I think cold case paid me scale. The job that was kinky was I got a job in Jamaica shooting a movie.

I should have known the movie was kinky. The cast. The cast was pure garbage. And I went down there and there was SAG. And at this time I had done a bunch of shit. So you just smelled different rats. Like once you don't get that, you know this ain't real.

I worked on real movies where the lemons are organic. They overnight you shit from New York every day, even though you're not in it. You know what's that cost? That's $9.95 a shot every day. Well, I didn't analyze that.

That was booked out of New York. They would send me changes every day. Bags of them. Bags of them at $10 a piece. You think any of those things had to do with me? They didn't change that one of my lines. Just the money they spent there. That's such a waste.

Just the money they spent there. They could have flew me first class. It's to the city in the back of the fucking plane on the frontier. And they lost my luggage and some shit. Fuck. Just the money they spend during the longest yard.

I remember one time I asked Adam for something and one of the producers came over and said, that's absurd. We can't do it. And I found out a week later that they decided to hire some guy like Monday night or late. But they needed him there Tuesday at night.

And they overnight flew him from Minneapolis. Jesus. They lost $35,000. No. So you couldn't wait for a commercial flight and push that scene back to 12? $35,000?

Is that a real number? Yeah, they put him on a flight from Minneapolis overnight. One of those fucking private jets. Oh, I see what you're saying. Right, right, right, right. It was 35Gs. This guy was so crucial to the movie.

I don't even want to tell you it was so embarrassing. The scene couldn't wait til lunch. You got to fucking tell us. You couldn't fly the 6am. You couldn't take the 6am flight. Who was it? Do you remember? I forget what his name was, but he was a retired quarterback.

O.J. Simpson. No, he was a retired, like, quarterback. That wasn't any good. But he was a sweetheart of a guy. He was a fucking... Brett Favre. Dennis Rodman. He was a nice guy.

They flew him in for one scene. He ended up staying like four days. And each night, like, the next morning, people were like, dog, the juice of the ambulance. Like, he was lit to the fucking gills. Like, passed out. That type of drug. He was enjoying himself.

Good guy, you know, he was there. I ate in the morning, the next day, like, nothing happened. Got to give him props. Those are functioning out of the heart. Those are functioning motherfuckers. No, that type of shit pisses you off, you know? And just for you people who want to join sagging shit, get ready.

It's not what it used to be. You know, like, if you do a Netflix job now, you can't really get a raise. Yeah. Because Netflix don't give you account. No, they don't. They don't let you know what their... They don't let you know what their show is doing. What their algorithm is.

They don't let you know the data. It's smart on their end, but it's also kind of sneaky. You know, you ever take a shower and you get weird thoughts? All the time. Like, it's not sexual or nothing. No, your brain is just, like, rolling. So I was thinking about an interview with Jennifer Aniston. When she was interviewed for

one of those, the act of the studio. And she told a pretty interesting story. Maybe it wasn't Jennifer. It was Jennifer Aniston. And she told the story of how when she booked friends after they shot the pilot, they took him to Las Vegas to celebrate.

Yeah. And the guy that wrote the pilot or the showrunner or the head producer sat all six of them down and gave them all $5,000 or $500 and said,

go spend this in the casino. This is going to be the last time you're going to be able to walk through a casino. He said that. He said that. And I was for each of you. I want you to walk through a casino and spend this.

Because once this show is, you guys will never be able to do this again. Jesus. That's crazy. I mean, to know whether he knew it or not, I mean, that became reality except for Ross. You don't like Ross?

Like, you got to consider. Like, what's his name, Schneider? Schwimmer. Exactly. He started directing this. But listen, those guys made so much money. They're still making it. They're making money from China.

Whether they had talent or they didn't have talent. They are rolling it. They don't even need to take another project. I can't even imagine why ABC is crying because I know for a fact NBC right now is putting that fucking friend's reboot

somewhere in motion. If you don't think that NBC you know what they do. You think we can put it back together. Will and Grace is back. Any day now. Those chicks will get in a million episodes when the show broke up.

That's that quote, G. They got together. They were smart. They unionized themselves. So those motherfuckers come back at a rate of 750 an episode or something like that to start off for the first ten and then take it to a million.

If they get launched, it doesn't matter because Netflix don't give a fuck. Netflix will say friends come over here and do a hundred episodes. We'll pay each a million a fucking episode. We don't give a fuck. You're worth it to us. And we'll pay the vacant. NBC what do you want?

And we're gonna fly shit in overnight. You want your favorite pizza from Chicago? You want a little deep dish? It really is crazy where TV is now nothing is really knocking them dead guys. No. That's what you really have to believe because of podcast

and all this free content. Like Lee doesn't have cable TV. I don't either. Really? I got rid of it. So you live off the computer? Yeah, and I chisel into stone. So you have Netflix and... I got Netflix, Hulu, Amazon,

HBO thing. Showtime go. I wasn't... I was scrolling. I was rolling through the cable and not picking anything. You know, it's like 37 channels, a C-span,

and 16 other channels were Mexican football. I couldn't even find something to land on. The other two were keeping up with the Kardashians. I was like, fuck this shit. It's amazing how many nights I turn the TV on. What the fuck? Where's the program?

300 channels and I'm watching fucking Lord Order. I love Lord Order. An episode that I've seen three times already. 17 times. Vincent D'Onofrio. No, no, I'm talking about the other ones. The newer ones? He's the purest.

Oh, you're talking Jerry Ober... Yeah, Jerry. Orville Rodenbacher. He donated his eyes. Yeah, when he passed away. Yeah, like Jerry Orrback. The best combination is Jerry Orrback and Mr. Big. I liked D'Onofrio.

D'Onofrio was great, but that's Sex in the City bad, that's not big thoughts. No, it's Criminal on Tent. Yeah, C.I. Criminal on Tent, that's not just rape. C.I. I'm a regular fucking Lord Order guy. I like Benjamin Bratt, that was a nice combination.

That was good, that was good. I like him and the black guy. I like the black. No, no, that's SVU. That's SVU. God damn it, Lee. What black guy are you talking about? Jerry Orrback came on and was with Jerry Orrback. And then...

Both of you look so thirsty. And then came on for a while, that was pretty fucking good. Because after a while... Once Jerry Orrback died... I know who came on while it was pretty fucking Christopher Maloney. No, that's definitely the other one. Dennis Farina. With the black dude.

And he was good. The first episode. They're like, why does Dennis Farina carry so much money? Because Dennis Farina would carry money with a rubber band and drove the cops crazy. So it was a gangsta. And he just had that happen. I forgot that Dennis Farina was on that. Dennis Farina replaced Jerry Orrback.

For about 20, 30 years now. 30 something years. It's been over for a while, but... It's been over for like six years now. They'll bring that back. You want it back, Lee? I mean, I don't have cable either, but... Did you get a drink of water because you look so thirsty?

He's got soda, two waters... His lips are parched. He's got meatball sandwiches. He's got pepperoni at your toes. Don't sound me down the river. Don't sound me down the river. I just randomly have a meatball sandwich at work. That's something I do.

I got my rose butthole wipes. You had a fucking piece of pepperoni. You had a... Not only was it a piece of pepperoni, that shit still looked fresh. And it was right at your foot. Let me tell you something. If he wouldn't have found it, if we weren't here, he wouldn't have ate it. He put it in his pocket.

No, I didn't. This is coming from a guy who eats boogers. God damn it. Did you just eat a booger? No, by my finger. That's terrible. We bite your fingernails. Why are you nervous?

From habit. Listen, you don't have much left. Let me see your hands. Can I hold your hands? You have nice hands. Oh, you've got great hands. They're very soft. I cut my fingernails before I finger you.

You know what? You laugh. Lee, you laugh. That's God's work. That's God's work. You gotta do that. These motherfuckers come at you with like a coke nail and they can slice your coochie skin up. Oh my goodness. You want a double finger loo and your finger's got a butcher.

They come at you like a Freddy Krueger butcher. So you can tell I'm married because now I don't give a fuck. I don't finger bang on them. I just stick my fucking hammer. Oh my God, your paw goes in there? Yeah, just the whole hammer goes in there. Oh my God. I got fucking hair rink in here.

If I finger somebody, they'll fucking die. It's like putting an old, what's that shit when you have an old tampon in you and you don't want the culture shock? Culture shock? You mean toxic shock syndrome? It's the same difference. If I finger you with the third and the middle finger right now, between the things I finger,

the parks I've been to, the cocaine I've had on my fingers. What are you doing with these parks? Because they're all filthy fucking things. The planes I've been on. If I finger you, you start foaming from the mouth. I wouldn't be surprised. You said, what's that thing if you leave the tampon

and you culture shock? Yeah, whatever the fuck. I can't. Toxic shock, whatever the fuck. Culture shock, I don't fucking know. It's some type of shock. I know if I left the same toilet paper in my ass over two days, you'd have some type of fucking shock. Something. You'd reach back there.

You pull that piece of toilet paper out. It's coughed up in your asshole. Lee, there's definitely toilet paper in your asshole. Right now I'm doing okay. When I get bigger, I do that a couple of times. That's why I travel with my wipes, because I like to keep my lady parts fresh,

because I'm a lady. But rose water? So when does the weed store open, lady? Every time that the laws change, we have to adjust. We have our license going in, and now we're just crossing our fingers. So hopefully we're going to have some good news.

We got the location. You weren't in town that weekend, but our location's amazing. We're just waiting for, hopefully we have enough of an incentive for the city to want to do business with us. How fast is it growing down there?

Crazy. You're more likely to get the license if you're doing an equity exchange, or you're giving back to the community, because then it shows that you're going to actually have some sort of mutually beneficial business

as opposed to just selling weed. They're trying to make it so that the neighborhood surrounding these dispensaries are improving the neighborhood itself. So you have to sponsor a baseball team or something? You know something like that, shit. No, but it's more involved.

It's like actually giving back and doing actual things that help them. That's nice, I guess. I just hope it happens soon. Me too. You good? You gonna crack your back? I went to crowd therapy today.

Yo, I saw a video of you in there. When the first time you went in, does it hurt? Is it so cold it hurts? And did you want to get out? No. You...

Hell, man. When I did those drugs all those years, I stopped being... Because when you were a criminal, you should take chances. I was fitting in windows. I was going into attacking people through the roofs.

I was always doing something to that venture. Holy hell. After I got into the prison, I did the comedy that was going into the unknown, not knowing. But once I got hooked on the drugs, it wasn't like that no more. Comedy was just second hand.

When I really got hooked, it was 2,000. By that time, I was doing comedy 12 years, 9 years, 10 years. It was pretty good. It was a regular at the store. So all those little things helped. I just became a junkie after that. So for all those years,

I didn't really take chances. I didn't do nothing. And it was weird that... Let's be honest. Rogan's a dear friend of mine and shit. But he's got that Hollywood mentality from time to time. When people are lifting weights,

no, no, no, I'm already doing catabals. When people start doing catabals, no, no, no, no. I'm doing fucking bats. Elk taint. I'm squatting with elk taint. I'm doing motors. Everything he does do,

if you do it the way he does it, is great. We have discussion about working out. And now the work that I do is inspired by what he told me. Yeah, and you're getting results. I was doing the right workout, but I was doing a little bit too much. He goes, no, you're doing too much.

Do half of that and stretch. And it'll be better for you. And now everything chains. So when he was talking about cryotherapy, that was Holly. That's what I thought too. No one as Holly would think. Right, like Pilates. And then I got really interested in recovery.

I'm not 29. I'm not 35. I'm 55. Let's be honest, I knocked my wife up at 49. So there's some chisel juice in that motherfucker left. And I still give my wife stabbing. And I still like... I give my wife stabbing!

I don't know what kinds those are. I was talking to a friend of mine from grammar school and I said something to her. And she goes, do you still get hard or something? She's crazy. And I go, what would make you say that? And she goes, please, I go on dates with guys all the time at your age.

They can't. They can't. I go, dog, I go, I get good heart arms. They're not like when I was 14, 15, when you get those... I mean, it's you're going to... You're not going to have that. Somebody was talking the other day. They were going, my dick don't even work no more.

My other friend of mine was yellow. He's two years older than me. He's like, Joey, my dick don't even hurt no more. He goes, sometimes it dies. And he was in my head, I'm banging the fuck out of her. And my wife was looking at me like something's weird. I'm banging her. And he goes, I can't even feel it.

It's not hard now. I go, oh my God, you guys are scaring me. That's the day I went outside and did the kettlebells. Whenever I feel my dick ain't working, I do kettlebells. You got to rough that area up. Kettlebells, some cleans, squats. You got that batoova-toofy gland going.

Whatever that gland, you need patitutui gland, whatever the fuck it is. That's the gland you need to spread everything out to the fucking magazza here. Yeah, el-magazza. I love all these technical terms. Batoova-toofa and the el-magazza. People don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about.

That whole squat, deadlift, does something to your body that sets it off. And your dick will be working. You know what I'm telling you? This is my experience, guys. I loved Jiu-Jitsu and I loved throwing kicks with Jesus. Throwing kicks with Jesus! Yeah, kicking Muay Thai at 9 in the morning. Like a bit more title.

But, I'll tell you what. I go in that yard, I take a 35 pound kettlebell. I'll do some squats. I thought you were going to say I took a 35 pound dump. I was like scared. I'll do some fucking swings. Yeah. And then I'll do some cleans.

But the strength is we take an 18 pound. Yeah. Push it three quarters on the Turkish. Just a little bit. I don't know what you're saying, but I know it's a workout stuff. Yeah, you just do three sets of five on each. Just gentle. Gentle. You don't have to kill yourself.

No, you don't have to kill yourself. That night you'll be sitting on the computer looking on the Facebook. And you'll feel your muscle. And then you'll feel that muscle. You feel that helmet getting a little hard. The helmet! And you make sure your door is locked. Yeah, my helmet is hard right now.

They're a little clitoris. My helmet is... The green medallion with the two prong crown. That's a long one. Oh yeah, it's a green medallion with the two prong crown. You know what I'm saying? I'm sorry.

This is a part of the Me Too movement. This podcast. Oh my god. Let me give you some shout outs real quick. Yeah, I have to go to... Christy Belich, my girl, Ryan B. Silly Wabbit, Big Thumb Terry, Adam and V.

Aaron Oliver Roberts, Fitzmanne 73, Ronnie Martinez and my man Tunnel Snakes Rule. Don't forget the 13th and 14th of July at the South Point Casino in Las Vegas.

Then the 26th and the 27th. Oh shit! Oh shit Mormons, sharpen your dicks and bury your wife. In Salt Lake City. Wise guys, Friday and Saturday for shows. Don't come crying to me. Joey, you didn't tell me, please.

Give me tickets. I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing. What's going on? Just a minute. Oh man. Thank you so much. I have to leave you guys soon. We'll take your time, but hurry up.

Just stay till 9.15. Call them. To attack some Tommy on your way. You're going up halfway in the line-up. You're going to bury him. I'm hosting. It's my show. Oh no! Look at you. You bad motherfucker. I mean, you know, it's good for you. You want stage time, you got to create your own shit sometimes.

No, good for you. Thank you. Listen, there's a lot of women that complain. And there's a lot of women that just do. I don't complain, I plan. You got to just do it. I plan. Well, it's this, it's that. It's always something. It's always something.

What do you want me to do? What do you want me to do? They put up Justin Montendale. He's fucking gay as fuck. They don't give a fuck. You think Justin Montendale complains? No. There's people who just are born to complain. And, you know, when you get here, if this place don't give you a spot,

you got two options. You could cry about it, or you go somewhere and do spots. Yeah, you just find a place to do spots. Spots a spot. Spots a spot. They're not ready for you and you're not ready for them. No. Assume that's a situation, go somewhere else. Build it and they'll come to you. That's it. Don't worry about nothing.

Even fucking Lee, host on Saturday night, I'm very proud of Lee. Did he? He took a little fucking Russian restaurant. And guess what? There's people showing up. Yeah? Irina told me. There's people actually showing up now on Saturday night. It was busy. We were doing the UFC thing here, but the week before, we had like 25, 30 people there. Yeah, she said. That's awesome.

You know, comedy is like anything else. You know, everybody wants. Everybody wants it to be easy. All of this stuff, like the blue bird that happens, you know, on your door. No. You busy? No one's ever. Hold on. I got something for you. His dates, his people.

You gotta go get it. You gotta go get it. You gotta get up. You gotta put a smile on your face. And you don't want this, this business or in this comedy business. Once you realize, listen, I wish I told you it's about the funny. It's not about the funny. It's about commitment. Your love for it and showing people

that you know how to have a good time. And like also speaking about shit that you've experienced. Not just trying to be funny, but just talking about your shit. You know what I mean? Because of the podcast age, people are seeing what the real funk is.

Who's bringing the funk and who's faking the funk. The podcast changed everything. It changed the comedy central. It changed a lot of fucking things. It gave people's perspective. How come these guys are never on this? And these guys are the ones that are fucking funny. These are the guys that talk to me.

They talk to me later. So what this guy did a little time. I always am very self-conscious about doing time. I talk about it because I have to. I have to let people know who the fuck you are. But deep down inside, I'm like, fuck, you know, when people come up and take a picture with me.

And they're like, man, thank you for listening to the podcast. I'm gonna sit and like, if this motherfucker knew what I was doing 15 years ago, he wouldn't have his fucking arm around me. No. They don't even know. 25 years ago. He wouldn't have his fucking arm around me. The other day, my friend called me.

He was like, hey, man. And something happened. I was on Laurel Canyon. I lost a call. I tried to call him back. And sometimes on Laurel Canyon, the phone call goes through. But sometimes you just, it just goes. Oh, it dies. It does. As much as you try. Nothing.

And I usually call people. You better not die on Laurel Canyon. I usually talk to people. As soon as I start getting on Laurel Canyon, I start calling people that I owe phone calls to. You do that to me all the time. And I hope to get them off by the time I get to the third light on something. I'm hitting the dead zone.

Or if not, they're like, let me ask you something. And I'm like, wait, there we go. And all of a sudden, they're like, let me ask you something. Back that time. And there's nothing. And you're like, hello, hello, hello. And they're like, okay. And you don't hear nothing. And then you don't get a phone call back to you.

Pass cold. What's at the top? Moholland. The time you get like a call at a mile, you get a phone call. Once you start doing no swerving, no. Nothing. On the way down to Ventura. You start too. Yeah. And then once you pass that one fucking

90 mile an hour cliff. The right, yeah. Yeah. You're good to go. You can call anybody. Who gives a fuck. I'm on the phone with Moisey Tung over there and fucking after the conversation with Trump to find out what happened with Trump. You know what I'm saying?

Culture shock. How many blow jobs Trump and that fucking little Korean guy got last night in Singapore? Can you even imagine? They were eating out these Singapore chicks. Oh my God. And they all splash in your face, Lee. They got those pussies that...

Every Singapore chick does that? Oh, that's why they call them Singapore slings. That cocktail. Shut up. Are you serious? That pussy water tastes like a Singapore sling. Like I've had it in my mouth. A little bit. I used to have a girlfriend that would spray me.

What's that called? Squirt. And at first I didn't know what it was. There was no internet. I couldn't look at it. But after a while I ate it out. I was finger hunting till she squirt. And I would open my mouth like a fucking... Like a saboteur. Like a Labrador at the ocean.

And I would love it when she's... Was she from Singapore? No, she was a white chick. No, she's from Sacramento. And they squirt. It's tremendous, Lisa. Tremendous. You can see the fucking little hornet getting filled. And it just fucking...

And it just starts squirting you. And you can run away like a bitch. I open up your mouth and take it like a man. Like a homeless person in a fountain. Holy shit. Oh my god. Wow. Lee, if it chicks squirts, Lee, what would you do?

Would you take the squirt? No matter if it tastes the fishy water or something? We'll see what happens. I don't know what it tastes like. Tastes like a molsum of cod. Like fish eyeballs grinded up with sugar. I think the woman who might have had an issue. I don't think it's supposed to taste like that. The better, the stronger, the more pungent, the better.

Lee, every time I see you, you're just like in this... What's more, when a woman has a baby... It's catatonic state. When a woman has a baby, she has something afterward. It comes out. The placenta. And you plant it in the yard. Some people cook it, don't they? They chop it up with parmesan

and fucking peppers. Cannibals? Yeah, I think cannibals do that. You can't see your kids. And next thing you know, nobody's allergic to peanuts. I want to go on stage tonight and tell everybody I was late because Joey was giving me a placenta parmesan. I can't even Google that. That's illegal to Google.

People fucking cook that shit up. They do, Lee. They do women eat the placenta. It's filled with stem cells. You won't get the flu for 22 fucking years, you understand? I'll take it off. It's like sucking 18 drinks and drinking the sperm. It's the fountain of you.

I'll just take Nyquil, I don't care. No, but placenta is real. I mean, they make products out of placenta. It's crazy. Get some black market placenta. Put that in my fucking Christmas stocking. For real, some black market placenta. I didn't need to know this.

Or like a nice lotion. Just like... That's the most disgusting thing. When you said something about squirting, he started sweating. No, I like squirting. The placenta threw you over the edge. Let me tell you something, a little placenta with some mucinel on a piece of fucking roll with a cedar roll.

Chicken parmesan. I'll say it's chicken parmesan. It's just a woman. So why do you eat it? You look pretty and ever. Your skin looks beautiful. I'm happy you're in love. I'm sorry you don't have enough time.

I don't want you to do 90 down the fucking helm. I wish I could stay here all night long. I love you. Thank you for coming on. I love you too. And you always have an open door. Don't be a stranger. You come home when I have the fuck you want. I appreciate you. I appreciate you too.

I'm headed to Disneyland with my family. Good luck with that ticket. God damn those hot dogs are like $37. What are you gonna do? Eat them. You're gonna fucking eat them. I work hard all year. It's not like I'm gonna say these brands are a fucking butler. I think you need to put that on a t-shirt.

I'm 55. Yeah. Everything I do now is so she don't end up like I did if something happens. Yeah. I get it. If something happens. I heard my wife were in good shape. They can at least get out of here.

That's it. You gotta take care of yourself. You gotta drink water. I've done a lot of shit. You really do. I'm so ghetto. You ever drink one? You ever stop at El Compadre?

No. El Compadre? That's where they got the Michelottes around point. I'm gonna go check them out. You get the one with the Michelottes and the seafood in it. What? You drink it and it's got shrimp and scallops. Is it heaven? With pieces of avocado.

This is El Compadre. It's like 16 apiece. It sounds like it's worth it. You get two of those and your clit swells up like Harvey Weinstein's head. That's what it looks like. What? Where am I?

What was the Martian? The clit swells like Harvey Weinstein's head. It looks like Harvey Weinstein's head. Where do you go from there? You show it to other men and they crumble. It looks like Harvey. It's a helmet. What?

Are you nuts or what? Jessamé Palusso ladies and gentlemen. Oh my god. I can't get over culture shock. Yeah, fuck it. That's a tampon when you leave it in there for a few hours. Diaz. I love you Diaz. You start playing handball and shit.

You always give me a call. Next thing I know, I string those up that monkey. No, you've got to keep the string out. If you don't, you can't lose the string. That's when you forget it's in there. I took the string in the pussy. That was the game we played. I'll suck it out.

Oh my god. No. You've never played that game? Save me. One time I did it like flip it out. I hate all that shit. What I do like is I give it to you in the butt. I'm banging in the butt.

And then it shoots out. The tampon shoots out. I take it and I work it like a fucking swan. Like a little dick. A little teeny dick. And it squirts a little blood like I'm stabbing it. Oh Jesus. Where do we go from here? Right before the pussy is going to die.

It's that last breath of fresh air. Therapy. I love you motherfuckers. Don't forget the 7... I don't even know. 7, 13, 14, the South Point. And at the end of the month in July, Wise Guys in Salt Lake City,

I want to thank Jess and Paluso one more time to praise killer. But most importantly, I want to thank you motherfuckers. Yo! Fuji. FujiSports.com. They got the McDaddy Gees, the fucking everything in the world to martial arts.

They've been around since Godzilla. Go to FujiSports.com right now and press in. Church? Boom! 10% off delivered right to your fucking crib. You know what I'm saying? And you help out the podcast from the heart. Number 2. Listen, when it comes to supplements, that's the only way I roll.

Whether it's the Alpha Brain, the Shroom Tech, the new protein powder, whatever the fuck it's called, they got a new On-It 6. It's a 6-week course. You pay for it. You do jumping jacks and body weight exercising in your fucking house. It changes your fucking world. You understand me?

It's On-It 6, something else from the mind of Arbery. And that's it. Go to On-It.com right now and press in. Church? Boom! And there you go. Get 10% off delivered to your house. Talk to me just a minute. That sounds delicious. Some Bacon Elk Sausage.

That's probably Joe Rogan's breakfast. I'm telling you. I don't know what the fuck he's doing with that thing. You might have killed that elk. He eats elk taint every morning. This motherfucker. Yeah, you can find me at justymay.com. Check me out.

I got my Shark Tongue podcast. My Hilary's podcast. And I am, I feel like happy that you had me back. Yes, whenever you want. You check in on me. That means a lot. I always got to check in on my sisters and brothers in the comedy world who give a fuck about me.

I love you. Thank you guys very much for coming on tonight, listening. And I want to thank the Christ killer. You got your shout outs. That's it, motherfuckers. See your father's day. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. Kick that mule, Lee. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Sing me a song. You're a singer. Do me a wrong. You're a bringer of evil. The devil is never a maker. The less that you give, you're a taker.

So it's on and on and on. It's heaven and hell. Hell. Hell. The lover of life's not a sinner. The ending is just a beginner. The closer you get to the meaning, the sooner you know that you're dreaming.

So it's on and on and on. So it's on and on and on. It goes on and on and on. Hell. On and on. Hell. Hell. Hell.

Well, if it seems to be real, it's illusion. For every moment you're through, there's confusion in life. Love can be seen as an answer. But nobody believes for the devil's sake. And it's on and on and on and on. Hell.

Hell. Hell. I see the lights of Jerusalem. It ain't fast, you're gonna ride it well. The world is full of kings and queens. Blind your eyes and steal your dreams. It's heaven and hell. Hell.

Hell. Hell. Hell. Hell. Hell. Hell. Hell. Hell.

Hell. Hell. Hell. Hell. Hell. Hell. Hell. Hell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah