Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #595 - Tom Rhodes

Episode Date: June 20, 2018

Tom Rhodes, a touring comedian for more than 30 years and the host of the "Tom Rhodes Radio," podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 06/19/2018.

Greetings from podcastville the church of what's happening now is brought to you by on it for all your supplement needs On it will be there for you from shroom tech sport to shroom tech immune To alpha brain the fucking backbone of the organization. Let me tell you how strong alpha brain is if you don't like it They'll give you your money back and then you want the product back. That's how much they believe in alpha brain Number two on it's got a new program called on its six. It's a home workout that you could do right in your fucking house It'll change your body in six weeks call on it six go to honor that com right now and press in church BAM and get 10% Off sent right to your motherfucking house after you people always talk torture me Joey

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Are you fucking kidding me or what? Oh Who the fuck you can Judas Priest British deal 1980. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Oh What's the story Tom Rhodes, what's up Joey Diaz? I'm happy to have you back on here fucking the Christ killer in full effect It's a beautiful day to be alive. That's a Christ killer the original before fucking Jesus even knew about me snuck before Jesus left Chicago who was first Chino or the Christ killer Chino, okay?

Chino came first Chinese guy came first before Jesus first guy to smoke pot was Chinese, you know that Who was that some guy Ming? Confucius said the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step and I was saying only a Chinese guy would walk that far fuck Yeah, Confucius has some good motherfucking sayings and I'm saying that's why he was Confucius. He would confuse you What That's I just want spare ribs. I just want spare ribs. I've been obsessed with since I went to Mongolia I've been obsessed with Jengus Khan. I read his biography And really that fucking nasty. I haven't had motherfucker. Yeah, and so they all they ate was meats and you know and drank milk

So the Mongolians had like really strong bones and they went down and rolled through China and those different Dynasties and kingdoms they were vegetarian so they could slice through their bones really easily because they were so like kind of thin and brittle So you think you mentioned China and I just think about the Mongolians rolling through And they like to attack in winter. They loved winter because the Rivers and the moats were frozen and they could just roll right over it and then in summer their arrows Weren't as accurate because they were a little, you know, the heat would You know soften them up a little bit speaking of I had seen this and I wanted to look it up to make sure I was right

in in the area where he was ruling in Asia 8% of the men living in that area are related to him So if you do like 23 in me or whatever that is ancestry calm in Asia, you have like if you're a man They have 16 million descendants of Genghis Khan limited. Hey, that's how many people you know They did so much fucking everywhere and he did apparently and so I did a show in in Mongolia I'm I I'm gonna go back in August all Mongolia Yeah, Mongolia is amazing and I'm gonna go back in August and That was my opening. I said

Apparently everyone in the world is Somehow related to Genghis Khan, so I'm just here to visit family. Hello cousins. I'm Chinese Yeah, I got some fucking Genghis send me I'm saying I but I would believe that I bet my grandma fuck Genghis somewhere along the line But I didn't know I read something about him when I was locked up I read like a paragraph about Genghis Khan. It was like guys the meanest guys in civilization Why was he was a pretty badass ruler because he wasn't and and another thing like Under the rule of Genghis Khan. No individual was held ever held responsible for a mistake or an error It was the community's fault as a whole

So I said that in my show and I said so if this show doesn't go well tonight, it's all of our fault How's Mongolia like is it great man? And people are so sexy there like they're they are high cheekbones and really just stunningly beautiful people I Think they look like avatar without the blue, you know, they're just really beautiful people and and then and they're you know super friendly and not a lot of people travel there and Food is amazing. It's meat on top of meat with a side dish of meat and I loved it and if you learn anything about the country before you go there

They go crazy. They love it now when you go to these places. What's your passport look like? I'm on my fourth passport. I just got a new one about six months ago, which is too bad because my last passport I had Extra pages put in it twice. So it was really thick and it I Filled it up. It was so great. You that's the you can't get more than two extra Twice you can get extra pages put in it. That was the limit. That's as thick as an American passport can get and You know, it's beautiful. I got stamps from everywhere How hard is it for you to get into those kind of like you have to plan your tour and like get visas from all these places? Or do you just book plane tickets? Well like China, for example, I've been to China so many times about five years ago

I don't know if they're still doing this If you were a frequent frequent visitor to China, they they were given out the 10-year visa So I got the 10-year visa for China I can which is great because in LA you would have to go to the Chinese Consulate, which is like, oh my god where it's between Wilshire and 6th Somewhere down there in Koreatown and it was a day you'd have to you know Did to get in line and drop off your passport photos and the the forms Would take a day and then picking them up place was always really crowded and everything

So to have the 10-year visa is really a luxury now when you do comedy in Mongolia, who comes Mongolia was all Mongolians. There were two There was an Australian guy an American woman and they were the only two non Mongolians there and the rest of the audience was so it Ulan Batar is the capital city of Mongolia and They call it UB city for short and The comedy club there is called UB city comedy club And I think it seats may be 150 and I think I had like probably

95 96 people great turnout and I was interviewed on the Bloomberg television of Mongolia They they were under Soviet rule forever and so they just got rid of the Soviet Union The Russians like I don't know 20 30 years ago. So like they're related. They're just embracing capitalism after Not having shit under being communist forever. Now. What's the guy's name owns the comedy club like what? Why did man the names there? I I don't know that I didn't meet the guy that owns the comedy club, but

the names there There's a comedian there called Zolo and that's just what English people call him his name is actually like You know, I'm I'm friends with him on Facebook. He's he's the best friend. I made there I would love this guy is but his real his real name is like 12 letters long and then you meet people there with names like I Arrived at the airport and and five Mongolian comedians picked me up At the airport and it was great They cheered when I came out and they just bent over backward showing me their country while I was there You know, they're comedians were brothers and the dude driving

Tells me his name is Steve and I go come on man I can handle your Mongolian name. What's your real name? And the guy goes What His name was a noise and I talked about it on stage. I got the guy's name was and they go Oh, yeah, that's like a really common name in Mongolia. I'm not bullshit. Yeah, I go, okay I go, what's your name? And the guy I go, okay, Steve You know, but like they got they people they they're their their languages really sounds really melodic and beautiful But some of the names are like noises you make

After you've had a large meal So from Mongolia, where do you go do comedy? What's the next comedy club after the fucking Mongolia? What what is the country next to it? Well, it's between China and Russia So we've done comedy in Russia. Yeah, I know but I've I've been to st. Petersburg I've I've filmed when I lived in Holland. I did a year as a presenter on a travel show So I got to I got to film a highlight on st. Petersburg incredible city Lots of canals styled after Amsterdam the Hermitage probably one of the greatest museums in the world Catherine the Great had people agents all going all over Europe buying up Rembrandt paintings Rembrandt had fallen out of style

And she so they got the largest collection of Rembrandt's it's pretty pimp now when you do China you've gone China Yeah, cuz Ari were shiny because it was all Americans that showed up Well, yeah, look at Apple or something. He said he was telling me. I don't fucking know You know half the audience will be international people, you know, we won the language We won the lottery when it comes to the language the you know, 300 years ago The international language of business was French now. It's English because of the internet, you know Look at airline pilots. They got to be able to communicate in English no matter what country they're from to to land and I don't know if that's totally true, but

So that on Instagram too, but right by the did you hear that? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? I think I saw it as like a fact I don't know if any of those posts are real, but but it's like when you so when I'm playing in China the audience is Yeah, half the audience will be internationals from everywhere. You got Australians Canadians Irish English you know Italians German Swiss and And then half the audience will be Chinese Chinese American Chinese Canadian Chinese English whatever and then Chinese people who were educated in Western countries and love English language comedy. So it's usually half Chinese and

half international in China Now, where do you go to next? Now I'm going to Philadelphia I'm gonna be at the punchline in Philadelphia July 28th to the 30th And then this is the first time I've been back in Philadelphia since I got this scar on my forehead Oh, since when I since I got sober when I I was so drunk in Philadelphia and I blacked out and fell off that bar stool Like a tree and fucking busted my head open and Philadelphia is a great city to get a scar in you know

that The the couple days I was there walking around and I had the fresh stitches on my forehead and I had a black eye I got so much street credibility from all the homeless dudes in Philadelphia. What happened to you big man? Did you get into a rumble? You know, it was great. How long ago was this two years four years ago? So you've been so before you yeah, how's it feel feels great. Yeah, did you ever think you would be clean? Never no, I never thought the weirdest never ever in my life thought I would Not be drinking and not be smoking cigarettes. It was such a big part of my life

I love I still love booze and I still love cigarettes Just trying to get some shit done and squeeze a few extra years out of living, you know I'm how long have you been clean from the cigarettes three years once I quit the booze. I thought fuck I If I could do that, I bet I could kick the six and the six were harder. Definitely, you know I'm still sucking on the nicotine lozenges once in a while. Let me ask you this was the Age a Big factor in this like for me. I could tell you that I got clean Yeah, I got clean but but but I also think that I

Was just tired. I Was tired of being in that position. They'd have been a long fucking time, you know, yeah, I'm like Fuck 17 years that I hadn't had a day off like I went on some fucking man in the hardcore you and I and when we met You know in Houston, we were both and that's why we hit it off so well I committed like hey, this is a guy who fucking goes as hard as I do. Yeah when I committed to comedy Committee to party. Yeah, but I that was my I always thought did be a comedian Part of it was being the life of the party and being you know, I don't know about being a life of the party

I just knew I had a party. Yeah, I didn't want to be the life of the party and nobody know when I was holding I just knew that Part of the mystique of getting into County was the drug part of it that would have No responsibility to life. Yeah, what so ever? I did not have the same responsibility as other people That was part of me part of the allure part of the allure Was that that I lost control, but I really didn't That was part of the allure that you lose control, but you really didn't You know, I'm thinking about why I thought the Netflix special wasn't so good. You want me to tell you why?

Because I got scared that's not me I'm the type of guy. I don't give a fuck when I go on stage. This is what I'm saying This is how I'm delivering it either you're on board or you're off board for years. That was my backbone of comedy The last two years I haven't been thinking that way You know, that pain to come see me I have to make them go away happy. Do you know what I'm saying? It's not what it used to be Yeah, when you first started doing comedy. So That allure of being crazy is what really grabbed me about comedy

If I wanted to go home and be in bed at 10 o'clock at night, I could have become a mechanic or a doctor Or got a girlfriend that wasn't once you become a comic you commit to this a whole other That's Where you get your material from that's where you get your passion from Is going into the unknown not knowing? A lot of people can't go into the unknown not knowing that's a certain gift When you go on a triple run you basically go into the unknown not knowing You know, you don't know what's going to happen on a triple run. It's like going to the points line in philadelphia

It's not like going to the points line in san francisco But life is such it is like that anyways without Drinking and doing like and I'm not trust me. I'm not down on it Let you guys hear but it's like your wife A few people in life can ever can can do that and you got the It's the magic ticket. You're partying every night party and especially like In the the the 80s and the in the 90s It was like

Drugs were everywhere and then it's you know free drinks everywhere All the comedy thing was living on a tightrope with no net I thought I was part of the Rolling Stones. I just needed had to catch up to the band Yeah, me too. I didn't want that to be a net that was part of me the reason I got into comedy I was going against society And what society believed in right? I don't want to do what society does I never want to do what society does never ever ever ever do. I want to be a part of society in that way I always wanted to beat to my own fucking drum. Yeah, I'll do things that you guys do

But that's not the purpose why i'm living. I never want to live for the jones When I read ladies and gentlemen lennie bruce and he was living at the chelseeds doing heroin Which strippers that was the life I wanted if you woke up with chlamydia you take a shot and you go back on stage on a tuesday night That's just the way you know That was the allure. I got into it this part this lifestyle i'm living now With agents and managers and wives and children. This wasn't I have accepted this. This is the next level of comedy every warrior needs to eventually move on to wise men Yeah, but it's so funny the allure comedy for me was saying the fuck you to society

I had already done time I was already considered a hell's angel Whether I wanted to or not society had already put a sticker on me. I'm a felon If you're gonna ride this wave out, let's ride this motherfucker out. Why not be a funny felon? You know what i'm saying? You know like angry felons. They're all tatted up. I did time Yeah, well, let's just be a funny felon. You know what i'm saying? Maybe there's an angle there and that was it That was the angle I just wanted to be a funny felon. I didn't give a fuck where I woke up

You know when you go on the triple one you leave on monday night and you go on that highway You don't know what's gonna happen That's tremendous that feeling is tremendous people dream of that People go to bed at night jerking off something. I'm gonna be free I'm gonna leave this bitch and i'm gonna get in that car. I'm just gonna fucking drive people say that all the time They don't know that one day it might come real home. They like i'm giving up my fucking apartment dog I'm doing comedy. I'm living in my fucking car

And people I did it. I mean it's exciting. It's romantic. It's exciting. No, no people like are you crazy? You can't live in your car watch me And it's like I said on this, you know, it's got to be the same when you travel and do comedy internationally When you commit to the universe the universe takes care The same thing happens when you go to mongolia, you know what i'm saying like you get there and Picks you up Anybody have weed for you anybody off the line of no, no, no, no, I would not no in the and I don't know what mongolia is but like I in there's certain places you just don't in china and those different countries in asia all of the penalty for drugs is

execution so I don't fuck with nothing and it's great now. I don't drink. So it's I don't um, um, I'm bright-eyed clear So china japan too. Have you been to japan? I don't know if japan is death, but most all the other ones in jacarta and malaysia and the philippines, you know in japan uh on prisoners on death row they Do not know their day of execution Uh, ever when you're on death row in japan, you wake up every day thinking this might be my last

All right. I was in japan early this year. I had been in japan in 10 years I read all this shit about japan and that was one little factoid That thought was pretty amazing and then also if you commit suicide in japan by jumping in front of a train Your family is sent a bill for disruption of service I need to add a motherfucker. I mean those two facts are kind of sad, but um To me like japan's a bit the one country that like I really like that's probably my number one japan's amazing It's the germany of of asia. It's like it's efficient. It's clean and they're fascinating people too Like the way they're so stylish like I saw this dude in tokyo and he had full-on yellow adidas

I put it on my instagram This dude was like he looked like he was from brooklyn and they like gold chains like he was a rapper like Like a hardcore brooklyn rapper from you know 92, but it's a japanese guy living in tokyo I was in osaka About 10 years ago and I saw these guys and they were You know the car culture is big there Uh like the like you know this kind of la hot rod um Cars and stuff. I saw these these dudes in osaka

They were dressed like mexican la gang bangers with even the hair nets And the flannel shirts with like the buttons two on the top and the white shirt underneath These dudes are just like like in the 80s when you would see like the role The 80s and 90s movies would you see like movies of la mexican gang bangers these guys studied that and that's gonna be my style You know see women over there wearing like fishnet stockings and like a raincoat buttoned up and like stiletto heels like who's what pervert and invented that style It's just fascinating culture what they lock on to it's funny when I lived in hollywood a japanese woman lived in my building Who was pretty hot very hot very sweet woman had a black boyfriend real cool

And she used to wear some outfits that you would sit there and yet me and my wife would just look at her like Our heads would just shake and she was a mom. She did not give a fuck hot pants With fishnet stockings and sneakers with no toes Blue hair, you know, she was just stylish as shit and I used to snorkele in that building And she would do power yoga at four in the morning That's the only time she could do yoga. She would leave the house at a quarter to four and walk from Schrader And between sunset and fucking hollywood boulevard she would walk

This was way before the conglomeration of hollywood This is i'm talking about 2000 when you could get mugged in hollywood. It was still gritty when it was still gritty Masayo is her name. I used to call her mom. Masaya. Masayo I used to call her mom. I love them. I still talk to her once a month. We stop over there. We say hello to kids But she would fucking leave the building at quarter four. I'd be coked up looking out the window Let's see Masayo walking down the street Fucking to yoga power yoga with hot pants and heels and socks on, you know, just the craziest outfit She would change that she cuts hair. So she would change her hair every fucking week

I never saw nothing like that in my life very neat very cool And very real It wasn't an outfit. She that's was who she was right like most people have to get up and plan and Go to the tailor and you know shave there. No. Masayo did everything There's some people who faked the funk. She did it perfectly and she wasn't faking the funk I think the style setters for the world are young american young black

males in america and young japanese girls and women I think they are the if you go to japan Whatever like young women are doing you're gonna see that five ten years later all over the world the way like black american males You know the same deal Now when did you fall in love with traveling because I will tell you one thing

I don't know dick about dick But you are out of all the comics. I know the world travel. I mean you really Have you used it to your advantage this comedy thing to travel and see the world? Yeah So again, some people fake the funk when they travel. They just want to seem interesting So they'll tell you about these places that are cool and I've been to a visa and you know, that's great Yeah, you're still a fucking jerk off You know I'm saying you got chlamydia from fucking that shit. What's that shit where they scroll left? Tenor you see l.a. It's like fucking in a fire with gonorrhea and chlamydia. Oh, right. I've seen the billboards around l.a

Yeah, I'm glad I missed all that's that's yeah I'm glad that that wasn't around when I was I never did online dating never did online hookups All that stuff but to what where I started traveling You know, I always had wanted to travel. I had a great career as a comedian you know with You know comedy central in the early days and then that sitcom I always love that story that you tell when you saw me After the my sitcom was was done at the improv and you said I was sitting at the bar by myself

And I look like I didn't have a friend in the world. Yeah, I love this story because like it's true It fucked with my head. It's true. It really and I didn't uh, you know, I once your show gets cancelled people don't call back no more Everybody in l.a. Treat you like you got cancer. Yeah, it's fucking and then all these people I thought when my friends stopped taking my phone call, you know, and like it was fucked up Just the way people treat you in l.a. After your show doesn't make it and it was like I'm still tom rhodes I'm still a great comedian and I thought fuck this town And I moved back to new york Uh, because I had lived in new york when I was 20 like a dog

I moved there from florida to be a comedian full of dreams wasn't good enough I could only afford to live in washington heights This is 1987 as crack was coming to the neighborhood. There'd be gunshots in my neighborhood On cabrini boulevard where I lived in the morning There'd be smoldering burned out cars like people would steal cars in lower manhattan and drive them up there And then yeah under the bridge under the bridge just out of my fire. Yeah, tremendous. That was a great place Yeah, that's funny. I'm living there terrified and you were the guy tiptoeing away with the lighter What you do is that's where you took your car

It's a fact if you want your car to disappear, you know, I'm playing at home Yeah, so that's where I lived and then that's all I could afford to live in 1987 and 20 years. I'll leave the car in the ignition Yeah, you put 20 on The driver's 20 dollars for what so I lived till you call the right way So I I I so I'd lived there like a dog and I always swore if I ever had any money I'd live in new york with style So when that sitcom finished and then you know show biz going ice cold on me in los angeles I moved back to new york got a rockstar apartment in the wall street area and I looked at all that money. I had is my NBC artist grant

So I started I was like, man, I got I got dough. I can do whatever I want So I started taking trips to london And I was focusing on new york. I was still doing road stuff in in the states my favorite places, you know, san francisco, atlanta, minneapolis chicago, seattle You know the my still my main places. I love to play um And then I started making trips to london and I got in with the comedy store in london and then I started playing uh

london started bringing me over regularly And and london's a really exciting great place to to to play Especially then there was so many clubs and the the clubs paid decent and then it's like, you know Nobody in europe knows that I had some sitcom. They don't give a fuck all they care about is. Oh my god. You're a great comedian Let's have you on our stage. Let's invite you to this party. Let's come with me Whatever and then that led to gigs all over europe and then I you know, i'm playing in amsterdam and paris and berlin and uh, and then I fell in love with a dutch girl, but also

You know, I ended up moving to amsterdam, but Getting in with london was the key to the world for me so that also led to to gigs in asia and then comedy festivals in australia and And that's how it that's how it kind of started, you know, I always wanted to travel My mother's from argentina. I had never been there at that time uh, now i've been there three times, you know, and uh, it's It's i've had a really beautiful life As a comedian and that it that allowed me to travel and then all these magical things

happened to me like ended up You know being offered my own television show on dutch television And doing that late night talk show in amsterdam for two years and then I was like like I said I never liked soccer before I moved to holland I always thought that's you know, kind of a girly sport or whatever But like the dutch are fanatical about it the english are fanatical about it So I always really started to like it and get into it there

You know, I interviewed a couple of the dutch soccer players on my late night talk show and uh, and then Finally going to argentina the the you know the land of my mother Uh, my family and everyone in argentina. That's all they care about. That's their main passion in life So my I went to a soccer match in argentina that ended in a riot My family in in Buenos Aires their favorite Soccer team is called river plate and my cousin fernando took me to see river plate plate kilmes Which is a factory town 20 miles outside of Buenos Aires Really intimidating we go into this town

And it's dirt roads and there is Cops everywhere. I mean the most Vicious looking cops you've ever seen in your life and they're holding shotguns And they're holding axe handles with just you know, just the wooden part of a of an axe without the top part on it And they're just looking at you as you're coming into their town Like please give me a reason to bust your skull open And then some of them had you know, german shepherds and it's like holy fuck So this is how like insane south americans are about soccer. These people will you know, just lose their mind and go berserk

and The the home fans sit separate from the visiting fans and there's a wall that separates them You can't even bring lighters into the stadium the people check in you and there's like a big pile of lighters So I don't know who started the fire That eventually happens in this story. So Uh Kilmas is is is in there's a there's a wall of razor wire around the field not barbed wire razor wire a tall Big wall of razor wire. So kilmas is losing four to nothing

And the home fans were so upset at their own team for such a poor performance They set fire to their own stadium And this is a south american, you know, concrete stadium. So I don't know whatever they debris Clothes paper You know Coca-Cola cups I don't know what the fuck Or if somebody brought in gasoline all of a sudden the other side of the stadium

Is engulfed in flames and all the the we're on the opposite side. So there's this big Gap opens all the people over there now getting away from the fire There's a massive fire on the other side of the stadium And then these lunatics like 40 or 50 people on the other side of the stadium Are trying to get onto the field and they're climbing the razor wire And then like a hundred riot police came streaming across the field In him the players scattered Because it's all of a sudden there's a fire and then all these fucking lunatics are trying to get onto the if they're climbing the razor wire

And these fucking like a like a hundred riot police in helmets and batons just went streaming across the field And they're just fucking beating people off the fence and then they shot tear gas into the stands It was fucking it was it was pretty intense, man. And then They let then everybody had that they cancelled the match. There was like 20 minutes left the game's done The kilmas has forfeited it. They've lost it They were and this was on a school night So they made us wait in the stadium for two hours before they would let it they didn't want clashes in the streets So I don't know why they didn't I don't know why they didn't keep the home fans locked in there first

You know, but they they they let the home side out first And then fire to there's You don't know what's gonna. They but they live there. They could have waited. I mean, it's uh, you know, it's a school night Everybody's got to work the next day So all these people from Buenos Aires for the for the river plate They made us stay in the stadium for like two hours And it's getting these people are getting restless and they're banging on the big steel walls to be doors to be let out and then these fucking kilmas police start

shooting uh tear gas canisters into the stadium to where We are waiting to be let out and uh, these argentinian people were very used to tear gas canisters because they just nonchalantly picked them up and threw them back over the wall and shit. I was like, oh fuck this is like This is intense, you know, but it was I would I would I would rank it among uh, probably uh Someone that one of the greatest experiences of my life. Really? It was so cool

I mean at the time I was he and especially when the tear gas started coming over Did like everybody there's this animal instinct when you're in a crowd If you've ever been in a big crowd when some shit happened Like you can imagine like gunshots go off like how terrible the way people scatter So there's a certain animalistic Instincts we have when shit happens. So there was there was a couple moments when you know, the the crowd surged and people started You know Pushing as a whole they were a little terrifying, but it was pretty intense

Now how many weeks a year do you travel? Uh, you know, my wife does the finances So I was on the road more days last year than I was at home. So what I've done in la Is I'll be on the road two weeks a month and I'll be on the road two weeks a month But um, you know, there's been time like Last year I went to asia for a month. It doesn't always work out like that But the schedule those long trips she came she probably made a hong kong a couple months ago Uh, and she'll go to the cities that she loves new york and chicago

um You know in austin texas listen, no offense. No offense to being able to listen at the house, uh, you know to this podcast but Anthony bourdain's dead. I don't feel so good myself You know, you really enjoy this shit. Listen, I know people who fake the funk in LA And they do anything to be cool and you know, they buy the secondhand clothing and all that shit You know, you're real from the heart. Yeah, this is a show you have here. This is a show that It's so weird how in today's world You really don't need a lot of things that you think you need

You know, like right now a guy like you could Have your wife come with you on those trips Tapia tapia interviewing somebody you at the fucking club. Yeah, you at a restaurant That's a nine minute episode you cut it and you put it up and you get a travel pack or a fucking Something that's that every traveler needs you get them to sponsor you to a little tv show And even if you fucking make a minimal amount of money just enough to cover the wife and you and the plane ticket and that shit Yeah, it's really worth it to show people your experiences. I mean, I saw and then also comedians around the world and what What are people making jokes about?

I mean, we've talked about this because by the time you pitch this and sell it It'll be 20,022. You're in no danger. No, but I've already I've had this idea for years Yeah, I was I was I was filming this you have to videos wherever I went. I made a pilot on Malaysia I did a lot of different things. Yeah, but but check it out the uh, I last year Uh, and my my wife and I came up with a great format. I had the idea before but then she like structured a formatted show and and we we we chose 10 cities around the world and made uh, You know it made a structure of what that those episodes would look like and the people we would talk to and the things we would do and

Example episodes basically and so pitch to the cnn pitch to the comedy central pitch to the travel channel and they all passed Yes, they're not they don't even see the vision They don't see what I see the problem with today is that they're one of them said, uh, you know What if you had a younger ethnic guy traveling with you? So it's like that's all la people now They they want diversity. You know, we're not talking about diversity. We're talking about a show you being the same thing I see Look at let's be honest Let's be honest here. Let's throw our cards on the fucking table I barely like the six hour flight to new york

I barely like that flight Okay, if I'm the type of guy when I went to prison they did the Prison psychology department does a fucking test on you and the guy came through and then he goes if I had something that you wanted I'll give it to you because if you really want it, you'll take it anyway And I got really offended what he meant by that was if I want some I'll do it You know why I don't travel overseas. I don't like that. That's a long plane ride. You don't like it's not me guys It's not when I go to jamaica and I see those skinny chickens I can't eat that shit

I can't eat that shit. I'm not into that shit. Yeah very watch hey, I I like those long plane rides because uh One of my obsessions is my delta uh frequent fire status And I've hit diamond two years in a row this year. They made it even harder

So this year you got to spend you got it used to be 125,000 miles not bonus miles Not kicks from the credit card purchases and shit. That is 125,000 miles sitting in the seat Which is very difficult to do. So now they've raised it to 140,000 this year And then you got to spend like 15,000 dollars. What do you get for diamond status diamond is the best so, uh You get to use the first class lounge every time you fly you're bumped up. I get bumped up to first class Probably 50% of the time I fly and then you get these uh choice benefits and One and where you you could use like eight

Coupons for like not coupon whatever certificate. Whatever you want to call it to uh Ensure that you're bumped up to first class or you can use it for like four Internationals and that's what I always get so I love the long international flights because you're fucking smashing it on the miles and um, I can use these international upgrades and man that first class when you're On an international flight. It's like you're you're depressed when you land. It's like, oh my god You got the bed sleeper. You got movies You get you got like you you got real silverware and real food

It's not like that fella saying much of the motherfucker economy I mean you're talking like you're talking like steak And whatever and you know bringing around the warm nuts and just and I don't even drink anymore Which is you know people there there's you know, they got high-end wines there If you look at I've read something about The breakdown of what of how a flight makes its money like each flight 60% of the profits is from first class

So it's like the airline really doesn't care about the people in the economy So it's like the they want to like please those people in first class That's why like the first class lounges get nicer the way they treat you in first class is nicer Um, and it's like it's it's almost you you're bummed out when you get there. It's so nice. So, uh, I'm Yeah, that's a way and that's another reason why you know, I'll go to europe a couple times a year I'll go to asia. I'll go to australia and do gigs because I mean, I love going to those places But also it's uh, I I love Being diamond level on deltas. I could have a helicopter on this roof within an hour, baby

Just let me know I hit the app a bomb. I'm kidding. Um, and then also you get Uh, like a you get like one or two free companion tickets within the united states You can bring your spouse or your partner or whoever for free with you There's a really lot of nice nice perks about it and Uh, when you complain about something they they call you back instantly They really they they really really that's they that those are the travelers they care about the most Uh, I mean, no delta or any airline. I like delta. I like I love and I tell you what I used to do They got a 20 minute guarantee that you'll get your luggage

It's great unless you get 2000 free miles or a thousand bonus miles. Yeah, you got 20 minutes to get your luggage So I stop I get a taco and by the time I get downstairs my luggage is that pick it up and uber picks me right up I got my own arm medium a driver. Well now here's another thing with delta when you're diamond level And you got a tight connection you get off your plane. This has happened to me twice You got a tight connection or or even when I was in seattle, I had plenty of time I didn't but they did it anyway. I guess it was slow for them Uh, I'm getting off the plane and once you step off the plane to go into that little tunnel There was a woman standing there with one of the little ipad and I had my name on it. I'm like

That's me. She goes. Oh, and then she opens up the door You don't even go up the tunnel you go down the steps on the tarmac If you look on when you fly delta look out when you when the plane lands and you're waiting to get off Just look out the window delta's got at every airport in america these little these these porches And as I say delta really small on the window They got a little fleet of porches for their diamond elite passengers Who have tight connections or they just want to spoil them

So I've only had that happen to me twice, but stand up. Uh, I've talked to them about stand up. That's like a thing You're like, whoa It's really nice And the woman in seattle like I had plenty of time and she just like oh We just wanted to you know, let you know thank you We appreciate your diamond status and then she drove because I didn't I didn't have a tight connection She drove all the way around the airport And like, you know, there's you big planes and you're in the you're in this portion

You're like, oh my god, and the woman goes well, she could energize back and she goes well, so um Do you need anything and I said, well, I got another I got an hour to my flight. Can we take another lap? She goes, yeah, of course I go just drive a little slower this time. It was really great So I mean it's it's it's pretty pimp american used to be my airline But after they merged with us air, I think they treat you Like animals. I think the attitude of their employees changed uh

The And I've and I've had people dispute because burkreicher loves american So, you know, and he but he's first class level He whatever the diamond equivalent is for america. I never reached that so in america american I never reached that level. So I don't america for 20 years of rogan I know those u of c's were first class tickets, right? Well, I used to be and then I I I had a few I had a few employees treat me like shit And after that u.s air merger, I thought they're they're the the airline and I was a proud american guy

I fight you three I'm an american delta and jet blue guy And all depends where i'm going right i'm very loyal to southwest too san jose I can't deal with the the corny jokes on southwest. Listen. I got earphones I got if anyone lost $300 wrapped in a red rubber band We have found your rubber band. I grew up in orlando They would tell that joke on the jungle cruise and like southwest is still rattling off these like I don't I put the earphones on and get the business

But I tell you what I what I used to do. I'm a clear guy too. Yeah, I use clear I'm a I'm a club. Oh, that's another thing you get with diamond for delta. You get clear for free. Yeah A box of fucking flight you get clear for free. It's so great in lax and there's like a mile A mile long. Yeah, and you go straight to my god. I love it. I love it And everybody in line's like, who's this why is he get him? And you just cut in front of people moms and shit with kids So you can go and sign up per flight because I didn't want to do it every month No, you sign up. It's you do it for a year. I take your flights per month

So it's 180 a month 180 a year, right? Oh, I don't know because delta when you're delta diamond You get it for free. It's 180 a year. So I take what 20 30 flights a fucking year. Gotcha. Okay Six dollars a flight. It's worth it to cut but a lot of airports don't have it. It's starting to fucking piss me off Yeah, but but but but but some airports have it. They're 80 percent of them have it in this day Yeah shock and if you have to pay for it, it's worth it But with delta diamond, you get it for free. But what I'll tell you what I used to do Uh, because you know comedian you're you're you're struggling and you got it, you know, you got to be economical for years I would go on Expedia or orbits and I would always get the cheapest flight. No, I don't do that shit

So, uh, I got tired of being treated like an animal And about five or six you and you know, and I would always try and get american And you don't really get a cheaper flight on Expedia. No, you don't really get you know nothing You don't get a deal. It's not a deal. It's a bullshit story No, and so those are the passengers that they give the least priority to on a plane Yes, you are boarding in ron sit. You are boarding in zone six or seven There's no overhead space when you get when you uh get on the plane And you're gonna get like a fucking middle seat. They don't give a shit about you

So, you know, I but I would I would lean towards american because I was trying to build up the point set and then they pissed me off Uh in three or four times, which made me say I'm gonna stick with delta and about five or six years ago I made the choice to buy all my tickets with delta and only fly delta even if it's $500 more and in the long run that's better and uh because I get treated like a king on delta and another thing You get to board with first class even if you're not in first class on diamond When you're diamond, which is great because then you get you're the first one on the plane You could put a tuba in the overhead. You got all the space in the world. I do that every weekend I don't fuck around dog

I'm the first one off the plane and the first one on the fucking plane I'm in one fucking d every week. You understand me? I got that little thing. We're looking at you're always in first class I always fucking first class. I've been with american for so long I get my agents to get more money from the clubs. I fucking finagle miles You get them to pay for first class chickens. I get them to pay a little more if they pay 750 What's first class 850? So for a yardstick I travel like a doctor. What do I give a fuck? Right, what do I give a fuck for a hundred dollars? I travel like a fucking gentleman

I don't ever want to get stuck on a long flight to new york in the back on economy That's not gonna or in the fucking middle or on the way back On the way back papa don't want no drone Papa don't like drum on the way back at all. Papa gets up for the first flight Papa don't want to wait on no lines. Papa ain't got no time. Papa didn't take no miss. Papa gets to the airport early to have eggs I want to see the yolks I don't want to see no yellow eggs. You got yellow eggs. We don't do business I want to see the yolks. You understand me and I want to see the bacon

Don't give me those airport eggs that like that's like stadium beer. I'm gonna have an headache for four days and shit But that's not happening in my world I don't do much. I don't bother nobody but when I fly I don't want no drummage Yeah, I got a little I mean as a comedian you spend so much time flying But that was the thing I was getting beat up for years Trying to get these cheap tickets and then it finally dawned on me That that's that's the way for suckers, man, you know people who fly once a year I know scams that nobody knows

Why because I've been flying for 27 you follow me. Yeah, plus you gotta remember I've been flying My wife I went to disney land last week with mercy for her graduation. She graduated pre-k And my wife said when was the last time you were here? I was 10 And I thought about I came out here by myself when I was eight nine and ten And went to disney land with my uncle. I paid for my own plane ticket. Wow. I've been flying on myself for years I used to come up on myself and my oh my I said my uncle would fly east and we'd fly out together And then I take the plane back to new york for myself I've been flying for years. I love it, but I know how to scam people now. I know what listen. You're never gonna upgrade

To new york chicago. We haven't been with the airline that long Those going with people have been there for 30 fucking years and they make our travel and look like nothing Yeah, or they got good companies are paying for their first class travel You're never gonna get to upgrade. I gotta run to the bathroom. Go ahead. Take your time. Hurry up. Let me give some shout outs here real quick That's what happens when you get old. You gotta pee every fucking 10 minutes Even if you don't drink fucking booze, you gotta pee How about Eddie Torres a shout out for him? My man, Joe Grant Tony rule jr. Deborah hubster zander wilson

Stefan McBride jason padroni and joseph harris. I love you motherfuckers. Don't forget Don't forget july 7th. I'm at the ice house 7 30 Working out with uncle joey and don't forget july 13th and 14th We're at the motherfucking south point in las vegas Lee's banned for life. So you won't see him at the south point, but don't worry about nothing We're still doing bomb hits for jesus. Don't worry about nothing But it's good that you're learning about flying people because it's fucking dog. Nothing bothers me more Then when I see people get crushed two weeks ago, we all flew to vegas

I go lee take the flight of the burbank He took the flight like a fucking muckiak that he is but then he started paying 60 for the fucking uh for the lift So it's 120 so that if you for the extra 80 you fly right over here like a doctor And you follow me Yeah, sometimes the math wasn't 60 was 35, but no it I should have flown I should just pre-bought like that's the thing with you guys if you buy your tickets sometimes Right like right when I get the fucking date right when they call me before I agreed to date

First off I love delta. I love american. I love jet blue United's the port of rican airline you take down if you're in a Tight situation and he's having me thinking about taking you know, I just pull up that video on youtube with that chinese doctor Yeah, but it's that chinese doctor. You won't see him again. I wish I took a beat like that that guy's on the island He's got a blonde licking his asshole right now blowing darts into his asshole You haven't heard from china man. Have you you haven't seen him pop up in any videos and nothing he's at a bank right now just Giving everybody 20 suck my dick right now. Oh, give us a fuck. He still has the blood on his face from united

He got a tattooed on his face the little blood stain. He had when he was yelling out But I was gonna say First thing I judge is what time you get me back You told me you always get like the first plane in the first plane out. I thought about that first plan Okay, so if I have to beat your club thursday one show If I could fly out at five or six and being your town by two I'll be in the hotel by three. That's four hours. I can take a shower take a two hour. Yeah Get room service read downstairs and still make it to your club for one show

You told me that a couple years ago and I've done it a few times coming up A lot of times and I'll take the first six a.m. Flight out Which I got you I got that tip from you which is a great because boom you're back in LA like fucking 10 in the morning You're back in the morning. You want to sleep sleeping your own fucking bed Yeah, but for me to sleep half ass to 11 get up I got to be at the airport at 155 the flight's delayed then by the time I land in lax It's all hell in lax is 430. It's packed the 405 is packed the dodgers lost everybody's pissed. Fuck you I'm not getting home till 6 30 at night like a savage. No, that's not worth it

Just get out of there early. Get the fuck out two hours. You get to the airport two hours That's a great tip, man. I used to I hate it. I hate it. I would always try and like I would always think Oh, well, you know, I'll get I'll get like a late afternoon flight back. So I don't have to Yeah, I even work with the agostino was too late for him They got a plane ticket because I got so busy with Netflix and this and that I didn't get the plane ticket to calusa casino So I didn't get him a plane ticket. So I said the agostino I'll just give you cash just do the drive and saturday day We were talking because the gig was saturday night

So I got the agostino drive up friday stay at your sister's because he always goes to Sacramento anyway to see his sister I go then drive saturday to the casino and blah blah blah so saturday i'm outside spoke on a number with him And he goes i'm thinking about leaving tomorrow. I go listen, bro I don't know if you know this The worst drive in the world for me Is that san francisco? Why? Oh, it's a great drive

Take the 101 take your time. No, no, no, no, listen I'm 55. I got one foot in the grade one a bit That's five hours. No matter how you slice it. Maybe one and a half if you're lucky and there's always traffic Stop and get some anderson's pea soup. No, nobody. I don't want pea soup. I want pea soup. I want the exorcist Leave me the fuck alone. I've had pea soup. I'm 55 I ain't got much time I got five hours to drive and wave at people I think at least Wave are down to 101. I ain't got that type of time. So

Yeah, i'm the kind of guy that'll stop at a roadside And buy some cherries. I used to I used to be a time when I loved all that shit Now I got a five-year-old, you know, I can't go to san jose Get in my car at 11 o'clock at night and not get into five And then you don't fall asleep till 6 37 and then you sleep two hours your whole day is fucking room That's how I used to do san jose. That's why for years I didn't do san jose for years They would call me anyone the fuck no because you guys won't go for the plane ticket. I'm not doing that drive I'm not doing that fucking drive. I hate that drive

I remember quitting the san francisco comedy competition at 98 and renting a car And driving back and going i'm never doing this drive again. Like this was a big fucking mistake But at that time I had money from a commercial a taco bell commercial. Yeah, and I'm such a coke fiend I still slept on the beach I'm like, what I just got too much on a label Well, I just paid a 59 for the hotel room in santa cruz. What the fuck is wrong with me? And I finally got a hotel room. That's the worst drive. I used to drive all over the states, you know, we all did

Yeah, but no, no, no, but I mean like in uh In recent years like when I wasn't living anywhere. I still had a car and um When my dad was still alive he lived in anaheim and my mom was in orlando So like if I would go to asia I'd leave my car in in la with my dad or go to europe leave my car in florida with my mom And then in the states I would book things in blocks And work my would do like work my way across the country over like a month or two period Uh my wife traveled with me and we loved it like, you know

leaving from orlando do like atlanta Cincinnati Indianapolis chicago miniapolis then drive You stop off in montana And if I can then you know do gigs in seattle and then portland san francisco down and or or Work my way across the bottom doing like el paso dallas houston new orleans. Don't get me wrong I love that. I love that. Yeah, that is that is something that That's our soul. That's the soul of the comedian

That's when you first get into comedy And even afterward and you just get in the car and you tell your problems to the highway Yeah, and the highway tells you to have problems, you know what i'm saying and you're out there and you just take it That's a different life that once you accept You're in like i'm well in I love all that shit. Yeah, but no, i mean it's different like from when they were started I was doing that and sleeping in the car like you did but i'm talking about in the last 10 years when I had a really nice used bmw and my fabulous photographer european wife And we were we were making adventures out of it. I would like book things

With thinking of you know, oh, well, well, we'll work our way across the country and then we'll spend a week in austin Spend a week in new orleans just and that was when I was still drinking and partying and You know or like go across the week you spent a month in montana About six years ago and then like go hit the go see the crazy horse memorial or You know like there's uh, it's about two miles from Mount rushmore is this they They built their it's there's taken them like a hundred years to carve this This crazy horse on a horse and mount rushmore could fit where the on the horse's head. You ever heard about this?

Yeah, yeah It's amazing. It's weird that you've really Taken advantage of the traveling side. I know a lot of comics that never will take advantage like me I'll never take advantage of that because i'm kind of scared part of this fear Yeah, there's a lot of things I have traveling abroad like in my world. I got into this country I ain't taking another chance. That's hilarious. You know what i'm saying? Yeah, but they let me in one time That's i'm good I'm good. Why fucking spit in fate's face. You know what i'm saying, right? Why come back and they're like wait a second

You came in on the tom road in 1966 you got to go back to cuba over the fucking deport me I ain't got that type of time right now. So right now. Let's leave the paperwork. How it is Let's leave everybody how it is. We won't fuck with you. You won't fuck with us And uh, we're good. We'll send the postcard Send the postcard don't wash your hands when you eat the sushi Just come back on the plane with your little sushi fingers and we'll sniff them. Do you have a passport? They yanked that motherfucker Yeah, man. I'm i'm good as gold. Yeah. No, I was I was born in washington dc, baby

Yeah, I don't like fucking as far as i'm concerned. I don't know where I was born. You know what i'm saying? Right? Let's just paperwork. It's got it. We make believe we don't know nothing We don't know nothing our paperwork says one thing my mother told me the other I don't know who to fuck the belief. So we'll just leave it at that You know what i'm saying? What's that? We'll agree to stay friends. What's that statement? I agree to disagree Yeah, we'll agree to disagree. I won't go to the border and you won't come get me You know what i'm saying? You'll never see me at the border Playing in cages little mexican kids with a soccer ball and shit

Every day They're gonna blow that up every day. They got these kids on the border I like it man. Like and i'm gonna do uh, I'm gonna go so i'm gonna go to asian And i'm gonna go back to asian august for two weeks and you got club days. I'm doing uh, yeah, i'm doing uh Well, i'm gonna do i'm gonna do a weekend in koala lem poor love koala malaysia is amazing The food there is incredible. It's a muslim country And it's but it's sexy muslim the women wear like colorful head scarves. It's hot and it's tropical. So like there's

Um, you eat monkey and shit like that. You know, man. No, no, no, no, no, no. Malaysia and singapore right next to each other And they both do this black pepper crab Crab is one of my favorite things on the planet Black pepper crab is worth flying to singapore or koala lem poor Four and then in malaysia they do this, uh, it's called mertabak Which is just like oh my god, man. It's uh it's like um I kind of like roti bread but with like minced lamb and egg and chopped up onions in it

And there's like a curry sauce that you dip it in. I mean the farts that come out of your ass No, this stuff is better than lamb onions and eggs. You know what comes out of your asshole? Pure fucking hate. That's what ices smells before they go and chop heads off They smell that. I'll be ripping some uh, ices farts in orgas. What else is in them? So i'm doing koala lem poor Uh, and that's one. It's one of my favorite places malaysia and then i'm doing um Beijing Ulaanbaatar mongolia and then shanghai and that'll be like two weeks

And then in october i'm going back to europe. Did I mention i'm at the punchline in philadelphia? Yes, june 28 to the 30th Yes, no, let me ask june to it. So in in in october i'm doing i've never been to portugal. I've been invited by this portuguese comedian to do this comedy festival in porto And then he's also lining up a gig for me at lisbon never been to portugal All my european friends Their favorite place is portugal. They said it's like cheap. It's amazing Cities are beautiful beaches are incredible. Um, so i'm really excited to go. I've got a week in portugal And then i got a week in paris and hopefully

Uh, we'll find out very soon if i get the green light I want to film my next hour special in paris the second week of of october like october 14th Which is sunday. That's the date i'm shooting for i'll know soon. I'll i'll Paris, texas paris france I got a long history with paris my first love of my life I lived in san francisco with a girl a woman from paris natalie. We're still good friends First time i went to paris i was maced uh some guys tried to rob me I got a lot of great stories about didn't anything more dangerous hang himself there In strawsburg. Is that paris? No, that's in the south

Um, i don't want to know where we're going. So then i'm going so after paris i'm doing oslo And uh, and then i'm doing a comedy festival in in ireland in gallway the last week of october So i got all of october in europe. It's like impossible to do What's that? You didn't want to go anywhere when i hung themself. We're gonna go You gonna stay in your house? I think so I'm pretty sad that a guy like that that everybody admired Fuck him wasn't happy. It's like when robin williams killed himself

I thought man if that guy wasn't happy none of us stand a chance, you know I don't know and him bordain had a kid too. I couldn't imagine it's pretty fucking selfish money's gonna solve your problems And sometimes money just can't shut that little voice in your head off, you know what i'm saying We always think something's gonna shut that voice off, but We have to shut it off. It's kind of weird. It's scary. You think about it, but Is this something that beside a passport or delta That you use on an oil you're traveling. Is there a certain briefcase?

Or a jacket or something I I really love to help you with this. You don't understand. Listen Yeah, I I know fakes to funk. Okay, and I know who really enjoys something. I've known you for 15 years First time I met you I I I knew who you were but the first time I met you showed me the second episode of you interviewing The singer from radar love and we connected on that level And you were like a child explaining it to me whether we were doing blow whether it was six in the morning and that

You were like a child. He was so excited about this And you have the same passion today about traveling. Yeah, you got all these fucking humps on tv You know what man? It's so true that Even if you shot a pilot That cost you 30 000 the networks would not get it They didn't understand about you eating. I never heard of a black pepper crab you No, you understand me

Like these are the little things that people don't catch that a guy like me catches I wish I could do what you did. I'd fucking hit it out of the park The only reason you would fail is if you didn't build it up before you released it I can't do that for you. Lee can't do that for you. Your wife can't do that for you Only tom rose could do that. But I think you have a tremendous Project on your hands that could be done on the internet and we could curse We could smoke a bung hit. Yeah You know what I'm saying? All right. Well, let's get the funding for when you do

When you do these uh gigs international I mean, you know, what dain did pittsburgh. I want you to go down to jersey short. You like crabs We'll go to tom's river and we'll actually i'm doing pittsburgh. I've never been to pittsburgh Like the first week of this summer the last weekend last weekend of november What dain did it? No, no, i'm gonna do a gig there. What i'm telling you is you go to tom's river And we'll get those crabs but bore dain went every fucking night in the tom's river

We'll get those crab cages and we'll drop them on the other side But I would do it if I did a travel show there wouldn't be no eating in it because that was his thing My thing would all be comedy. Listen to me. You said you like blue crabs, right? Yeah, crab black pepper crab. I like any kind of crab. Don't worry about fucking what dain or whatever I'm telling you that we'll stop in tom's river We'll throw some fucking those those crab things out And we go we smoke 10 joints. We come back the nets are filled We bring him to louis house down in tom's river

He makes a spaghetti sauce your dick will stay off 18 hours. You understand me? You'll be calling the doctor go and come help me. I got a heart on it for 18 hours Did you take my egg or no? Red brick radiation clams from south jersey. These things will keep your asshole fucking going like this. We are we are we are I mean teen hours tremendously When we're kids we catch those clams or those crabs and bring them up north. Are you allowed to eat those? Listen, it don't matter. You just eat it. I'm plain This is why those those fucking pollution crabs. Yeah, they should test you with pollution those cancer crabs. Oh

You put them in a red sauce. You put that italian bread and dip it in that cancer sauce Oh, you give somebody a taste of your dick when they swallow that sperm to have that taste like it's bad mayonnaise You know I'm saying like when leads california roll. He has that special taste on his face We don't like california roll. It's got mayonnaise in it Anyway, but no seriously old jokes inside better than oil crabs. Shut the fuck up cocksucker Let me tell you something. You're you're a true passion. This is always since I met you This has always been one of your main focus of conversation. You know things That most americans do not know. Yeah

You know do not know and we'll never fucking know You know the comedy side of all these other countries Which is very fucking interesting Gabriel when he did his special He talked about going somewhere Where'd he go and he said the the guy picked him up was a comic his cousin was a comic Excuse me because of youtube All those international places in the middle east. Yes, he went somewhere in the middle east and they were like going crazy over

Gabriel Yeah, and he goes everybody was trying to tell them jokes and shit Because this you know comedy is growing internationally. It's all over the world. It's all over the world I've seen it in asia. There's comedy scenes all over asia That didn't exist 20 years ago. You have a tremendous show on your hands, bro And like I said by the time you sell it, I know you got the talent by the time you sell it Don't give it to a white guy. It's 24. Yeah before they give it to you You know what I'm saying with blonde hand and earring in his nose

Exactly with a tattoo of viva paria of his chest and the sperm shot and there was never Yeah, well, I mean You know, I'm just One day at a time, you know, I'm I'm focusing on doing that special in paris and then hopefully I hope it all works out, man If anybody's paid their fucking dues three times It's you. Did you quit high school? No, I finished high school. I'm not offended. I'm sorry. I never went to college

I thought you quit high school to do stand-up somebody. No, I started it when I was 17. I was still in high school I was a junior in high school and I started with high school to start comedy x Or no, you finished somebody Dwight Slade or There was somebody who quit high school to do comedy. They seen the I forget what the fuck it was I loved high school Are you kidding? I I got the host of pep rallies and the talent shows got to do the afternoon announcements I was like, oh veto florida when I grew up. There was a small town and everybody knew I wanted to be a comedian So

They let me do all this because I had everybody knew I was playing in the nightclub in Orlando on the weekends I stopped going to dances and football games. I was going to the comedy club What comedy club in Orlando back then there was an independent club when I started there. It was called the funny farm and then A year later, they changed it to the unfortunate name of the copa banana What year was this I started 84 Christ, yeah, I was 17 Christ started February 4th 1984 I Was 17 years old I would just land in New York City

I was living in Aspen, Colorado And I said, fuck it. I'm going back for my birthday, which is February 19th And I flew it on the first and I was in the states like the 14th I ended up staying so While you were starting comedy. I was starting my junior criminal career. You follow me junior How do you get to senior criminal? How do you get to like full senior criminal? No, I never made it

I got intercepted along the fucking way as you could tell I'm a fucking comic now with A podcaster so I don't have time to do crimes of passion anymore I'm sorry the fuck yeah, man, and I graduated When I was 18 and then the 1985 and then I went right on the road like a month later Now you already knew guard down at that time. No, he didn't start he started like He started like probably 88 Something like that. I was all right. I was doing it like three or four years When I remember when billy came around on open mic nights and I remember when

Carrot top came and did open mic night and they shunned him because he had props He said come back when you don't have props and daryl Hammond I remember when daryl was doing open mic nights and he was doing the voices and the characters and uh Yeah, man, it was great. And then it was a great club ron bennington had a comedy club in clear water The ron bennington's comedy scene and then that meeting him That was really I was different down there, man Because I was like he was like the first comedian I'd ever seen who was like talking about real shit

and like um Like just people just not being hacks just trying to be real and do some fucking quality shit And so down there in clear water man, it was uh bennington and Jim brewer used to play down there. There was a lot. It was it was really great. It was different than what was going on in orlando You know So it was a lot of great. What was going on? So orlando had how many comedy clubs in the town? Only one And then and then so the the copa banana eventually became bonkers

And oh shit. Yeah, there's in the san felipos bought it and it became bonkers But it was in like some It was in these night clubs these dance clubs like the first one was park avenue And then it was jj whispers and these were like this were like the hottest clubs in orlando So there would be a comedy show from eight to ten Then I tend to clear out the chairs and have no disco with a side small room Where they had more comedy? So like the disco was already raging

And they're like being a young man. I mean I was I had a fake idea. I mean I wasn't even old enough to be in there And like I'm meeting like women in their 20s 30s these older women Ah, man, I I had a great time. I loved it. So you're doing comedy in a room I think some of the waitresses had sex with me just for the novelty Of you being a kid Yeah Yeah, so you're doing comedy next to a room

That's playing music and you can hear the disco music Yeah, not yeah, I mean partially and then this is florida in the 80s So there was a lot of cocaine And everybody dressed like miami vice and everybody thought they were tony montana And uh, it was interesting interesting time, you know Fuck tom rhodes tom rhodes. I can't wait for the book to come out Most importantly, I can't wait for you to fucking do this this little web series This is the only way it's gonna work. Well, I mean I was putting money into into doing it years ago

And it was only big of your life shoots and you both had it in the beginning for the first season I was doing it. I would call it extended arm productions because I had a camera and I would film myself Yeah, yeah, but I did that for years just to get and then it would be it would cost a lot of money to edit it and um You know, I I know I don't have the I don't have the money to do it on my own You know, I need I need something to happen. There's gotta be a way where they tape you And you go get off the plane show them what has to happen where you check in You know for a guy like me, it would be interesting. I just need the right guy. I'm not gonna watch some fake comic Great discovery go to some fucking no, I don't want to watch that. I want to watch a friend of mine tell the story

Do you know I'm saying go to china Show me the toilets that Ari talked about how you have this shit and there's no toilet paper Take a picture of it. You know to me. I've never seen that stuff that that'll blow a guy like mine You know, I ain't like yeah, and I'm the type of guy that I think you're one of the most interesting comics working Like if I was a real comedy fan, I'd go see you every time you weren't down Because I know you're constantly right. You're not one of those guys that brings the same shit every time You're constantly writing and I would ask you questions afterward I would ask you stupid questions. Hey

I'm thinking of going to australia where they're like should I fly because I know you would take 20 minutes out and explain Yeah, well people email me all the time and they'll ask me for travel advice and I do it all the time And it's like there's a lot in it and This guy wrote me the other day. Hey man, my daughters are 21 and they're going to amsterdam Well, I just told this other guy last week all the amsterdam Things to do, you know, so I don't know. I need to put out a travel book or something a travel book You know, who was the guy that put the fucking book out about how to pack

Who had a friend? Somebody had a friend the friend of ours that put a book out. That's how he hit me I know you asked me what I take with me On my travels. Yeah, like is there anything that on every trip? Well, I tell you what I You take because it really helps you be a better traveler. Is there a guide? Is there a video? Was there a watch? I mean, I always bring like books that I'm reading but there's there's things like, you know, bring your own soap

And a thing because there's little hotel soaps or you know, even in luxury hotels are usually kind of small There's uh, I use to me luggage. I used to use travel pro But there's something happen to them. You know, you buy a travel probe luggage It costs about 300 350 you get them. You get them on sale Well, it's just quality luggage is always that expensive But it used to be worth it because a travel pro bag Used to last I would get four or five years out of a travel pro bag. So you one bag

That's your case. Oh my well, right all all luggage is expensive. Well, that was so listen to me. So listen That's valid. The last two travel pro bags I had Only lasted the I had one lasted two years and then it fell apart and then the last one I had Lasted like a year year and a half and it fell apart So you drop in $400 on a piece of luggage and it only lasts a year or two Something happened to travel pro They stopped the quality product they were offering before The seams would bust the zippers would bust they and I said fuck that

uh, I'm not Using them anymore. So I got uh, I The the last two bags I got I got I got a carry-on bag from to me And I I love this. It's the greatest Uh, you know, it's a regulation size fits under the seat over the head And then it's got this zipper in the back where you pull out the your computer. So when you're going through the thing

It's beautifully designed. It's great secret pockets on it. It's got pockets for everything But it's this back zipper and then you go through the metal detector and you got your your computer comes out You feel like a pro and you're zipping through there, especially with clear. Boom. You're through there So then I already have I asked them to sponsor my podcast like two years ago never even got a reply Uh, and then the the the the quality to me bag I bought For a thousand dollars the piece of luggage. So the carry-on thing is like 300 350 and it's a beautiful bag So my wife was like, man, are you going to spend a thousand dollars on

This piece of luggage and I'm like, listen, you know, I'm a comedian. I'm a headliner I got to show up with the quality stuff, you know, and I don't need some punk-ass travel pro zippers busting and I don't want to travel around Oh, now I'm going to hump it out with a year with a bag that's got a busted zipper Fuck that. I'm a professional traveler. You know what I'm saying? So I spent the thousand dollars on the to me bag and I really I believe in this to me stuff, man They make beautiful luggage for the come of that especially like compartments or anything Something I mean, I mean they got different kinds. You can get the the kind where the old style or I like the fold over

Garment bag kind so it's got like inside pockets. It's beautifully designed You got a place for the shoes place for the socks place for the underwear And then you hang the thing it opened beautifully and then you got outside pockets Which uh, I put my toiletries in in case when I land I need to get the toothbrush or something, you know Uh, and then just the outside pockets are beautiful. So check this out last december I was playing in uh, there's this tour of switzerland. I've done it three times and it's great Uh, you do it's a week of one night is across switzerland. So you do geneva Luzon basil and Zurich

And I had a day off and I went to veve and I went to charlie chaplin's house. It was great So flying back actually the tour ended in basil this time So I had to fly back from basil to amsterdam And then amsterdam to to new york and then or no amsterdam to atlanta and then orlando for christmas. So So Amsterdam got snowed in so I got stuck in basil switzerland for an extra couple of days, which isn't a bad place to be stuck in switzerland and when I finally got out and uh

In basil switzerland the airport They used some kind of machines with claws The bottom of my beautiful expensive bag got these these it ripped them It got these it got these these big I don't know about the size of your thumbs these two big nicks Man took a photo of it When immediately like I picked it up and then my first thought was holy fuck I go to

So I did I was on klm which is connected to delta But I bought the ticket through delta because I buy everything through delta and then uh when I landed in amsterdam delta dot com uh Slasher case you listen about the back when I landed in amsterdam and I got my bag back I I saw the things and I went to the to the um the complaint luggage area and I took photos of it and uh Delta airlines, can I kept the receipt for the thing? Paid me

The exact amount of money for so the so the oh shit. I'm spending the thousand dollars on luggage They sent me a check for The thousand dollars so Because so now I look at that luggage and it's got these thumb sized Scratch nicks on it and I love it because that means I got a free piece of luggage Delta dot com don't forget They pay you tom roads at the philadelphia punch line june 28th through 30th Always a pleasure tom roads. I always learned something. I love you so much joey

I learned some follow tom roads If you're a traveler or you're interested in traveling these guys are superb him arie I listen to that shit and they know what the fuck they're talking about and they're passionate about it It's not like sitting at the griddle and some guys like I went to you know I'll be over and you know dropping all these names. Fuck you. You're an amateur you fuck You went over there sucking dick the whole way. They spanked you with you over there Tom roads are respectable individual. Anyway, when are you in june 28 through the 30th june 28 through the 30th I'm at the punch line in philadelphia. Damn. Yeah. Damn. That's a good fucking date. I need to be in philly

Have you ever done this west nyak new york? Yes. How was that? I'm there tremendous I was gonna ask you because I've never been there tremendous tremendous tremendous and I'm like I had to look that up on a map good pizza august 30th through september 2nd Fuck yeah, you're there. You're 45 minutes out of the city. You're mind. Oh my old haunt. What's it like that? It's nice Listen, you go to the hotel. Yeah, a couple numbers. We What do you mean? I got chinese food. Hmm. They got They got italian food. Hmm. They got something else. Is it a nice town barbecue? Let's pretend you shot 18 people and you came in and you need to hide out and you need to hide out

That's where you go west nyak. Nobody's gonna find you but the audience is They're brooklyn the bronx in northern new jersey and queens. All right, and nyak and shit Last time I did it some dude heckled me. He went to the bathroom three guys came in hit him with a bottle You don't fucking heckle Joey. No, no, no, no, no west nyak is heavy duty put his head in the toilet heavy duty nyak is heavy duty. They ain't fucking around over there Uh, very interesting good people. Yeah, man. Have a good time. Good. I'm gonna stay at the whole time I'm playing some new places like that and I'm going I'm going Pittsburgh like the last week in november and then Yeah, Pittsburgh improv last weekend of november and then uh, and then I'm really excited about philadelphia

next week because It's the first time I'll be there since I fucking busted my head open and that was like Such as four years ago. That's a significant moment change your life forever. I'm gonna you know, I think I'm gonna go I want to go 10 years And then I might Start having a glass of wine and have a beer. We'll see how old are you now? 51 So you'll be 57 when you get 10 by that time you wouldn't even want to drink wine

You'll say, what's the big fucking deal anyway? I don't know, man. I I like going to paris in rome and sitting in cafes and reading books. No one else understands. So you know I wish you all the luck in the world. You're a great man. You're a great comic You're a great friend, brother. I love you with all my heart I'm happy you came on today and don't forget to follow tom rhodes And the fucking flying jewel over there my brother my little brother. Don't forget The ice house july 7th And south point the 13th and 14th

Listen, like I told you in the beginning of the fucking show, you know, I fuck around with your people As far as when I fly a lot. I'm always on on it fucking immune I'm always on the spot. What is it from shumtech immune? I'm always on You don't see me traveling like a little japanese dude with a mask on this shit I travel al dente. I take two fucking on its And nobody fucks an uncle joey. You understand me? Whether it's the alpha brain Whether it's the chocolate mexican chocolate protein powder. Listen

On it is the fucking good now. They got on it six It's an in-home training Program for six weeks transformation. It transforms your motherfucking body. You understand me? Go to honor.com right now and press in church. Bam get 10% off delivered right to your fucking house. Just like that number two I'm a fat fuck people joey. What geek fuji Fuji geek the best you understand me go to fuji sports right now fuji sports.com

Why joey? Why the fuck should I go? Why? Because they're geese a quality quality quality quality quality you can hang on them dangle on them I found an old ghee from three years ago. It's a white ghee, but it's black from people hanging on my collar I don't give a fuck. They never ripped it. You understand me. You know why? Quality you're like joey. What ghee should I get you get the psycho the seiko s e i k o 2.0 me. I recommend the super rater. It's 135. You get the 10% off. That's the best ghee for your fucking money But do you all around geese the ones under a hundred dollars? They do the trick too, bro Go to uh fuji sports.com right now and press in church. Bam and get 10% off again

Delivered right to your fucking crib. I want to thank tom rhodes I want to thank the christ killer church and i'll see you motherfuckers next monday morning Ready to rock you understand me out of tension ready to fight off the fucking koreans. Don't believe the hype Stay black have a great weekend and that's it kick this fucking mule. I'm ready to stab a bitch I'm a little too short for you motherfuckers Back to my fucking prison days right here 87. What? Huh? Huh? Do it tom rhodes aka the restaurant go motherfuckers Who's ready for a bong hit? I

Go on and on can't understand how it lasts so long I must have super powers wrap 225,000 hours get a calculator do the math I made a thousand songs that made you move you And for the last 300 months i made 16 albums with me on the front and they bomb Where you get your beats? I heard 93 rappers say from like me Two singers and 10 comedians and i'm still gonna yell at every day you see me in What's my favorite word? Why they gotta say it like short?

You know, they can't play on my court. Hey, hey with the big dog stay on the porch. Blow the whistle Blow the whistle Blow the whistle Blow the whistle Where you get that from? Rather might spend one let me step Pimp C8 Ball and MJG keep spitting that weed to the IMPD Bun B that's Texas baby

Ball and G that's Memphis baby Short dog that's Oakland baby ain't nothing but pepping east as G My fucking C got locked up but these girls still know they got stuff Give them what you say short dog with UGK Do you really want to be like me? Spin game like spoof and TIP Pretty girls in the VIP they came with Tray They don't need ID. Blow the whistle

Blow the whistle Blow the whistle Blow the whistle Your mind is gone this blaze you've been wide awake for the last three days It goes down for real don't stop Just keep rolling downhill crash and burn can't stand fall back You're doing too much you can't handle all that Man it's been way too long time to let the whole world play your songs like me

My shit gets around Need a country come back and hit the town. I'm in Miami, New York and ATL You spin an LA X station pair up by my bitch He got it from me and made 50 million dollars. I'm proud of you, D But I'm crazy. You don't want to be like me. I come from me stumbling with your skin Blow it Blow the whistle Blow the whistle

Blow the whistle Too short Up all night, baby