Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #596 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: June 26, 2018

Bert Kreischer, comedian and host of the "Bertcast" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first THREE meals for free.  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 06/25/2018.  

Greetings from Podcastvill, the church is brought to you by Blue Apron. Let me tell you something. Blue Apron delivers the farm fresh ingredients and step-by-step recipes right to your door. Blue Apron's mission is to make incredible home cooking accessible to everybody. Blue Apron achieves this by supporting a more sustainable food system and by setting the highest standards for ingredients and building a community of home chefs. Now, Blue Apron offers three plans. They offer a two-person meal plan, a family meal plan, and they offer a tremendous wine plan. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Do me a favor. Go check out this week's menu, alright? What we're going to do is this. You're going to get three free meals. Three free. Free ones. Three. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, you're going to eat for free on Uncle Joey. Because you're going to go to blueapron.com slash Joey. That's right. That's blueapron.com slash Joey. I'm going to give you the first three meals fucking gratis on the house.

Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Also, I'm going with honor. You understand me? You're lifting weights. You're jumping up and down. You're doing marathons. People are pulling over. They got diarrhea. You know why? Because they don't use honor fucking products. They didn't have the immune tech. That stops the shit from coming out of your ass. The shroom tech sport. They didn't have the Mexican chocolate protein powder. If you're going to run marathons and jump up and down and do all that type of shit, you got to take care of yourself. And that's where honor comes in. Right now, go to honor.com right now and press in. And get 10% your first order delivered right to your fucking crib. Who's better than that? You could start a whole new life today with honor. Taking care of yourself with the alpha brain. You got 100% money back guarantee. So go to honor.com right now and press in. And there you have it. You get a free fucking 10% off. Deliver it to your house. Kick this fucking muley. Oh shit. Monday the 25th. It's a church what's happening now. Bad motherfuckers. Uncle Joey. Bird Kreischer. And the fucking Christ killer. Special guest star. The face of the church, Kishi LaRue.

And that's it, you bad motherfuckers. I used to be able to do an impression of him in college. We go like this. You had to look up. You see that face? Yeah. Are you fucking nuts? Are you fucking nuts? Nobody remembers how big this fucking album was. I do. I fucking remember. Freshman year college. I grew my hair out like Eddie Vedder. So you're 44. 45. Okay, yes. Because I was in my 30s. When this came out, Allison Chains, Soundgarden, fucking bad motorfinger. Do you remember the album Singles? The movie Singles? The soundtrack for Singles was fucking amazing.

I had a paper route. It paid 40 bucks. It was every Thursday you had to do it for like two hours. We got 40 bucks. Sean Simmons and passed it down to me. It was like really a coveted thing. All it took was like four in the morning. Thursday morning you'd pick up and fill my Jetta with papers. And I'd listen to fucking the single soundtrack. And you'd do one hour. You'd drink coffee for one hour. And then you'd smoke weed for the second hour. And then you'd just get back into your bed and just pass the fuck out. So you, me, and Rogan all delivered papers. For real? Yeah, Rogan delivered papers too. I was a great gig. I used to love that.

I delivered newspapers door to door. Rogan used to load the truck up and then drop the papers off to the people who delivered hand to hand combat. Yeah. And then you did the same thing. Thriftynickel. That was the name of the paper. Thriftynickel. Yeah, yeah. I think Rogan did the thrift. I did the dispatch. The afternoon paper. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

That was my least favorite part about working at a CVS. Because in the mornings, if you open, they have to put the papers together, especially on Sundays. They have to put the fucking thing inside the periodical, inside the whatever. I would just throw in the fuck away. Oh, I was trying to get skinny. So I was just, like, you'd lift up the stack of papers and you'd hold them like you're doing your biceps. And then walk up the steps, walk back down the steps, walk up, oh, you get fucking insane. I took the route that was not in my neighborhood, which only an idiot does. Yeah. Like only an idiot takes a paper route that's not in his paper route. Because once you get mugged, right, the neighborhood kids know you're not from the neighborhood. They try to chase you and shit. They try to intercept your shipment.

It's worse than the drug business. It was like being narcos when I was fucking 10 delivering papers. It was like being narcos. I swear to God, because they dropped the paper off on the bottom of five corners. Believe it or not, there's a place in my hometown that's got five or six corners. Six, it's impossible to believe. It's a bagel shop, a bank, a thrifty store, another fucking refrigeration store, and another corner over here, five corners. Yeah. It's fine. And as a matter of fact, I robbed the bank in there when I was there. It was a drive-through when we took it in the weird kids.

But we used to, I used to get the paper dropped there. So I'd get off from school and run there just to hope nobody stole my papers and would deliver them themselves. Because kids in my neighborhood were hustlers, Jack. You don't show up for papers. They steal them, go up to Kennedy Boulevard when people get off the bus. They sell them for 15 cents a piece. What do you get for a paper? A quarter? You mean 15 cents? Yeah. And you don't lose nothing. It's like you paid the nickel for them. It's all profit.

So those kids were hustlers. I grew up around hustlers. That if you didn't fucking bend over and pick it up, somebody else will. That expression, pick it up and put it in your pocket, or somebody else will. That was written in my fucking neighborhood. And the other one was, if you want to shoot somebody, if you want to kill somebody, invite them over for dinner. That was big in my neighborhood. You want to kill somebody, invite them over for dinner? Yeah, Carmine Balzano did it. He invited a guy over, shot him, and it's his word against yours.

You know what I'm saying? You do whatever the fuck you want. You can kick them, starve them, put a fucking fork in them. It's your word against theirs. He used to always say that. We were kids. You know, kids always remember. If you want to kill somebody, invite them over for dinner. And we'd just look at them and go, what is he talking about? And sure enough, we're all growing up. And one day we go to eat lunch and a friend of mine goes, do you see the paper?

Front cover of the paper. Carmine Balzano shoots a guy in the back seven times in self-defense. Right in his living room. Fuck, hysterical. I didn't have that growing up. Yeah, we had it. Ernie Herford got shot by his wife. He was the car dealer in Tampa. My dad was his lawyer. And his word against his and he was dead.

But I think something happened where she went into the safe to get money and the gun was in the safe and he came after her and she just pulled the gun out and shot him. God damn, I remember that. I remember like that. That was yesterday. She got away with it. Yeah, she got away with it. Mary Ford. You want to shoot somebody and invite them over for dinner. That's why it's great to live in Colorado because you got to make my day law.

All you got to do is tell somebody I got a hundred dollar bill in Bert's window. Go get it. And they come put the hand up in the window and I'm sitting there with a gun. Boom. They got four fingers. Fuck it. That's why I love it. I love for somebody to come to my house. What's the law in LA though? I'll shoot you and drag you in my fucking house. That's what they said in Florida. If you shot someone in your front yard, drag them in your house.

Drag them in your house. That's well known for years. I see somebody in my neighborhood that I don't like. He comes close to my house. He's getting shot and drugged into my house. I already got things hidden outside that I got the ring. I'll break the ring and put something in his fucking hand. And there you go. It's my word against his. That's the way you got to be careful.

And I got three neighbors that are Puerto Ricans. They're on board with me. I got three neighbors. I got two neighbors that are cops. And the other neighbors slash his aunt. And I talked to her every fucking day. Really? Yeah. So we're good to go. You come to my house looking for problems. You're going to leave there a limping motherfucker. I'll tell you that much. I think about that. I think about someone. I just got guns.

You just sit there at night waiting. Dude, I have a joke. I have a joke about it in my act. There's no better feeling than drinking with your gun the middle of the night and just waiting for shit to go down. Just two in the morning with the clock on your lap just going, come on, motherfucker. Make sure that shit don't go off by mistake. I don't put bullets in my gun.

Keep the magazine out of it. When the Joe E.D. is booked and movie comes out, I know that directors and producers are going to go, that scene is not going to go in it. But I spent the weekend in Miami with a guy that I grew up with. Like, I grew up with this guy. He was friends with my mother and my stepfather, and he was well known in the community. But as I was growing up, there was always a rumor, bro.

Don't let him at your house at night. And I didn't understand what the rumor was. I was too young to understand. And there was warnings that I would wake up in my house, like to go to school, and he was at my house drinking with my mom and my stepdad and 20 other people. And he'd be fucked up. He'd be giving me money and shit.

And his eye would go sideways, so they called him Muneco. That was his nickname. Muneco, I know what that word is. Muneco, yeah. Muneco means like a figure, like a doll, like a figurine, like a Muneco, like a clown. So they called him Muneco. And then after school, I would go, Mom, what the fuck was that this morning?

She's like, fucking Muneco. You can't get rid of that motherfucker. Even though I love Muneco, I mean, everybody loved Muneco. Muneco was a great guy. He had two kids. You know, I knew he did something kinky for a living. I always knew as a kid that he wasn't on the up and up as a whatever. Then I did something for him.

Until this day, I can't remember what it was because he took me shopping. I did something for him. Like his wife came looking for him and I lied. I did something that was right in their eyes that was wrong in life's eyes. And my mother was like, you did a good thing. He wants to take you shopping. So him and his son took me to Macy's and I bought like hot wheels, like a track and three cars.

I'll never forget my mom going, this is what you bought. You fucking idiot. And she took the hot wheel and whipped me with it. She goes, he had an envelope full of $100 bills to buy you like a car. And you bought like a hot wheels on the side of the fucking track. You fucking dummy. Get in your fucking room. You can't be any fucking dumber.

And I felt like such an idiot because he took all this shit. But anyway, the guy was a great guy. Yeah. You know, I saw him as he was growing up a couple of times and people go stay away from him when he's partying. So once my mother died, I didn't see him one night. I'm at a fucking Cuban joint on 48th Street. I'm eating Cuban food and some guy comes in and he goes, you don't know where his son.

I go, yeah, he goes, people are looking for you. And it was Muneco. And he gave me his number. He goes, he's in Miami. So I called Muneco up and he flew me down to Miami and he fucking told me the story. He goes, he goes, I need a big favor from me. And I go, what's the favor? And he started crying.

And he goes, my eldest son Julio got killed by this fucking junkie. And if I kill her, they're going to know it's me. You got to help me with this. And I'm like, what are you talking about? So when my mother died, I moved in with the benders. But they called them a policia. Everybody thought Mr. Bender was a cop. It was Bobby that was a cop.

But the other people thought that Mr. Bender was a gangster. So the other Cubans would say, you live with the mafia. So when Muneco would ask about me, they would say he's living with the mafia. So that's why he flew me to Florida because he goes, if you could talk to your friends to kill this bitch from me, I would give them $50,000. And at that point, I'm like, I'll kill this bitch myself for $50,000. I didn't even fucking know. Oh, bro, I was crazy. I was 19 years old.

I was 84. So he lived in Miami. And he goes, spend the weekend with me. Make some calls, see what you can do. This is why they didn't like hanging out with him. Because whenever he would get coked up, he would lose his mind. He was one of the first guys to start getting paranoid. Have you ever seen somebody paranoid on cocaine?

Oh, yeah. It is the most amazing thing in the world. When you're sitting in a room with somebody who is watching the same thing you're watching and they will not stop looking at the blinds, or they will not start looking at the bottom of the door to see if there's a son coming through the door. Yeah. So I didn't know. So that Friday night, he went to his house, his wife was there. So I grew up around and his one son was there.

And they're like, you just sleep in the back room. And his son's like, oh, no. I'm like, why? And he goes, so the fucking, the dad comes back to like an hour late. I'm watching TV and the dad comes back there with a margarine tub filled with water. Remember the old margarine tubs in the 80s? Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. Filled with water with a little dish with cocaine floating on it. Okay. Because in his mind, if the cops came in, he would take the dish, throw the coke in the water. And so now, listen to me, he comes back there. And as soon as he comes back there, he starts sliding down things. You know Miami? Yeah.

They have the slide down fucking windows like this, just in cases of hurricane or something like that. Yeah. So now I'm thinking, this guy's going to fuck me in the ass. He's coming in here with this tub of coke and he's going to fuck me in the ass. This is why they kept saying, don't hang out with Muñeco when he gets coked up. And this is after he actually killed somebody? This is, yeah, like this whole like an hour after he asked me to fucking, if I could go to the mafia and get this girl killed. But the more coke he did, the creepier he got, not sexually.

He just got creepier and more paranoid. So the last thing he did was he put boxer underwear on and he had a 38. And he put the 38 and he mangled it, the 38. And he would have chancletas on. Those Cuban chancletas would alive be like Chichi. And he would just walk around like paranoid, like and look from window to window. Even though the blinds were metal and they were shot over the windows. Yeah.

He kept looking at him and the fucking gun kept falling out of his underwear, hitting the floor. And I'm like, oh no, oh no. And after the third time, the gun went off and he shot his foot by this time. It's seven in the morning. He's bleeding and he's not even like, I would have been on the floor like a pussy. Ah, ah, ah. He's like, don't worry about, don't worry about his wife and his daughter, his son. Here the gun go off.

They run back there and they're like, oh no, he did it again. I go, should I call the ambulance? The son's like, he's gonna be fine. He does this like every month. The doctor came. It was the eighth time he shot himself in the fucking foot. He had no foot left. I kept looking at him.

It was one foot and I kept seeing like little holes. I thought he stepped on something on the swim from Cuba or something like that. That's what I'm scared of, that a gun fucking goes off by mistake. That's what I've always been scared of. Dude, that happened at the end of the island in Tampa. We were about to get into a fight with Robinson, the school Robinson. One of my buddies, I won't say his name because I think he's a teacher at NYU. But let's just call him Alan.

He had a little gun in his. This is the same guy. He pulled a knife on a guy one time in a parking lot. This black guy got into a fight at a ride aid or it was called Eckerd's back then. I mean, Alan had a butterfly knife. You know the ones when you... Yeah, the old school children. Yeah, he swung it open at the guy like this and the guy goes, oh, you're gonna fucking stab me?

Let's do this. And Alan was a rich kid. He was like, ah, and just ran. But he had a gun in his waistband right at the end of the island. And then you see the Robinson kids coming out and they pull out and they all get out of the car. And one of my buddies, I think my buddy Sal goes, Alan, you strapped and he's like, you know it. And hit his thing and the gun went off and shot down his leg, ricocheted off. A little pebble shot out after everyone.

Everyone in Robinson got in, took off. They were scared of us. We were more scared of us because Alan just shot through his pants. He had like white pants on, bullet hole out of his pants. Plaxico Burris style. And it fucking, Alan got rid of that gun that day. How old were you when this happened? We were 17 years old.

That's crazy. Isn't this crazy shit? And he didn't shoot himself, he just shot through his pants. Just shot right through his pants. Just shot right through his pants. And then we had a bunch of fights with those Robinson guys. But that was like when... Robinson was a family?

No, Robinson was a school. It was predominantly, I think predominantly black at the time. Now it's not. And it wasn't for a period of time. It's just a way, you know, the cities change, like demographically. But I think at the time it was predominantly black and so was Hillsborough, where the two schools Dwight Gooden went to Hillsborough. Darrell, not Darrell, Strawberry.

His cousin who played for the Marlins and played for the Dodgers. He went to Hillsborough. Hillsborough had a gang called TWT. Together we thump. And now they, you did not fuck with Hillsborough. Hillsborough was like fucking scary. But Robinson was in our... They were like, yeah, there's a little South Tampa.

And we had two gangs. Not gangs. That's really... I'm really overstating it. One was a gang that were called the Cavemen. And that was like all... It was all preppy white boys. I was not a part of the Cavemen.

And then my school had this... It was more like a club on campus. But we would fight together. And we were called the EPU, a Pluribus Unum. You know, your gang is not tough. When it's named after the thing on the penny at Pluribus Unum. Together we're one or whatever something. But yeah, I remember fights.

I remember not being afraid of fights. Now I look at fights. I'm terrified of them. But I remember in high school just being like, fight, let's do it. Grab a golf club. Fucking grab a baseball bat. My buddy Weecho got hit in the head with a steel pipe one night.

Now I look at it and go, what a fucking lunatic would swing a steel pipe at someone's head. But back then you're just like, shit happens. It's like, I think that's why I'm most afraid of young kids. People that are racist, I go, no, I'm more agist. I don't want young kids around me. Young kids terrify me. Because they don't feel like there's any repercussion in life.

All your dirt you did that was horrific happened when you were young. When you just figured, oh, life will never end. And then you get older and you're like, I would love five more years. I start looking at it going like, fuck, where did it all go? Like, did I really just drink from fucking age 20 to 45? I don't remember anything.

I look at it pro and con. Because I look at it when I was 20 and 21, I had nothing to lose. Nothing to lose. When I kidnapped Bella and I was doing all that crazy shit, there was nothing to lose. And if you were my friend Bert, I'd go, Bert, just stay in the car because you got a family. Let me do this because if I get busted, I don't got a family.

Just send me 10 bucks a month. You know what I'm saying? Don't be a douchebag. You know I took care of you. So I always took those type of chances. But I also remember having my eyes on a couple dudes that were older that I thought I was going to take down. And within two years of my thought,

both of those guys did something that I'm very happy that at this age, and now at 55, I welcome somebody to make a mistake around me. I would welcome it because I'm so experienced now. I see the move coming. I see the steps. I hear the footsteps. I know the walk. I know the talk.

I know how they show up. So now I react completely differently. I react for an eye. You know, because what am I, 55? What's life sentence now? It's 10 fucking years, helpful Joey. And they're going to put me in a fucking hospital because they got sleep apnea. You know what I'm saying?

We got money for a good attorney. We'll go fund me a good attorney. Go fund me a good attorney. Go fund me a good fucking Jew. We'll fly him in the right from Israel. Don't take no shit. He doesn't know nobody. And they'll get me up in Lompoc up there with the horses riding horses.

Right off of San Francisco. You can visit me on the way down. All my buddies will visit me. You know what I'm saying? Because I'll be in Lompoc playing tennis with... Who did they roll play in that movie? They robbed everybody. Bernie Madoff.

Set Lompoc. All the main players. If you got Doremi, you ended up at Lompoc. You could stab 20 nuns. And if you got money, if you could know the right attorneys, they put you at Lompoc. We did have the right review. We did a shoot. We did a shoot for Travel Channel.

I think in Utah, I think it was in Utah. It's where the corona arch is. Can you Google where the corona arch is? Sure. The corona arch, we did this shoot. You get hooked up underneath it. And then... It's hard to explain.

Where is that? Grand County, Utah. Yeah. So the corona arch is like this big McDonald's arch kind of thing, but out of stone. And they have ropes anchored into one side. And then they drag the ropes up under it. And you harness into that rope and you dive out under the arch and you swing under the arch out far. It's fucking insane.

It's one of the craziest things I've ever done in my life. When I went to do it, the guy said, I was like, I should put it on a helmet. And he goes, you don't want one. If something goes wrong, just die. You don't want to be out here suffering. And I was like, for real? He goes, nothing's going to happen. But trust me, if it does, just go out.

That's the end of it. Trust me. So we did it. We shoot it. It's fucking amazing. And then right when it goes to air, they call us and they go, your shoot was illegal. If you air it, there's possible prison time for the executive producers. I'm one of the executive producers and this guy's Paul's one of the executive producers.

But it's such a badass shot. I mean, it's such a badass shot that I feel like we'll just go viral. That me and Paul literally said, all right, let's pro and con out a year in prison. Like a federal prison, right? We'll get healthy. You're not going to put you in prison. Yeah, right? They never put us in prison.

You're going to pay a little fine. Yeah, you pay a fine. I go, you're going to go sing for the black boys club. Take your shirt off and go sing a song. Yeah. You know, we are the world or whatever with Lee. That's it. You're not going to do no fine.

What was illegal about it? It's so funny. We didn't have a, we didn't have a, we never got a permit to shoot it. It's so funny how they scare Americans like the other day. What's going to happen to Connor in court? Nothing. Who's Connor? Connor McGregor.

Nothing. Yeah. Nothing. Is he going to court? Three misdemeanors in the family. Bye. You can pay. That's easy.

That's an easy one. That's an easy day for Uncle Joey. Yeah. Take care of the family. What's a misdemeanor? The civil courts, what's going to get them, right? Because they're going to, those fighters will sue. Well, no, no, they can't sue because they both took fights like assholes.

Are you serious? Ray Berg has a baby who's fucked up. Well, they got to go from me, paid to pay for the baby. And then he got sued, but he took another fight. That was me sitting in that thing. I'm walking around like Ray Charles. Do you understand me? I got glasses on, touching walls.

I'm grabbing Chichi and telling like, I don't know if she's a man or a man. I'm sorry to grab you. He sexually harassed me. I'm blind. What are you talking about? Wait, so they both can't sue now because they took fights? They took fights. So if you sue, you sue minimal.

Oh fuck. 8,000, 6,000 Michael K.A.'s that took a fight. Now you get minimal. I would have put eye patches on dog. I heard radio waves from the glass in my eyes. I would have been a fucking nightmare. Are you fucking kidding me? You know that the feds could take voices off glasses, right?

You know that football thing? You ever see when you're throwing a football and they have those microphones on the edge? Well, in the 80s and 90s, the feds, we could be having a conversation in here. And if they knew that we had high-tech surveillance equipment, what they could do is put a fucking thing to the window and they could hear our conversation bounce off the window. You do know that. You do know that the feds are that high-tech on all that type of shit.

That's what they were doing in the 90s. Once the mafia started getting boxes to sweep, once people started getting sweepers, because the problem with sweepers is like if I go, Lee, call the sweeper, they hear you. So when the sweeper comes, they're watching from across the street. When the sweeper comes, they turn the bug off. So there's no micro, macro, whatever the fuck.

There's no magnetic fuckings. There's no electrician genius. Then when the sweeper walks out, the feds are watching you with a binocular. They turn the thing back on. So in the 90s, I don't even know how you got this conversation. That's how they would listen to you. We're talking about the Conor McGregor. Some fucking glass.

So that's what I'm saying. That I would have taken that glass from that bus and said I'm hearing voices from Gotti talking on the fucking bus. It's a New York bus. I heard the mafia talking in my eyeballs. I would have sued to the end. There was eight settlements there. There's eight paychecks there.

If I'm Michael Kiezer or Ray Burg, are you kidding me? I can't throw my hand. I'm hearing voices every time I see glass. I get flashbacks from Vietnam. I'm walking around like Rose McGowan. You know what I'm saying? Just PTSD'd up to the fucking gills. And every day I'm making another million

because every day I'm going to eight different specialists in Beverly Hills. They're at 3,400 a pop. You understand me? I don't give a fucking mic credit gets ruined if I can't pay them 30 days. So Connor's going to ditch out pretty easy in this? Pretty easy because they gave them the F.

The UFC gave those guys fights right away. Probably paid them good money. Gave Kiezer and the other guy fights so they can't sue the UFC. The UFC ain't stupid. They gave them good fights right off the bat. Me, I wouldn't have taken those fights. I can't see.

I can't see. I couldn't even see the phone and pick it up. That's why I haven't called you in a week. Well, growing up in New York, you must have grown up around rich people who could pay off. I saw all the time. Did it piss you off? Not at all.

That's a part of doing business. That's a part of doing business. When I went to Disneyland last week, I saw people who cut in line with fucking things and they pay 500 an hour. Yeah. Next time I'll suck three dicks instead of one. You know what I'm saying?

Next time suck three dicks and you could take your kid and don't have to wait online for 75 fucking minutes. I've always believed in that. Leanne's always that like, oh, we're not getting the fast pass. When you go to a flea park, you'll get the fast pass.

It makes it so that you can ride the ride immediately and you're not waiting in line. She's like, oh, it's just a waste of money. It was not a waste of money. And even the fast pass, you can't guarantee that they're still sitting there like a fucking bump on a log like patients on a monument. But that's the way life is.

You know what I'm saying? You want to get on the plane early? Get a first class fucking ticket. That's it. Get a first class fucking ticket. I just had this conversation this weekend with the guys I was on tour with. I was like, I can't,

it makes better business sense for me not have to worry about everything. Know that if the flight's canceled, I'm definitely on the next flight because if they don't have it in first class, they definitely got it in coach and I'm getting the first chance. Like it just makes more sense.

And there was a time where it didn't make more sense, but now I'm like, oh fuck yeah, always. I don't think I could fly coach back, middle of the plane. I upgrade 90% of the time. I just know the cities I'm not going to upgrade to. Oh, Chicago and New York, you're never going to get an upgrade.

I've gotten a business upgrade. Nashville, Nashville, you won't get upgrades. Yeah, I've gotten upgrades. American? Yeah. Oh wow. Every time I've flown in Nashville, I never got the upgrade.

Yeah. And if nothing puts you in the rose to the back with the more leg space, which is still you got to smell other people's farts and burps and fucking what not. I was just burped on Lee as you said that. But yeah, I would have never fucking taken those fights if I was those guys.

Yeah. I would have sued the garden, I would have sued the Brooklyn Place, I would have sued the security people, UFC, I would have sued Rogan for not being there in the bus. I would have sued everybody would have got a letter on Monday. Everybody would have got a letter on Monday.

Oh yeah. Just to send a letter for people to say no, because I might send five of them and somebody might go, pay them. Yeah, I am. Pay them 50 grand to shut them up. But they both fucked up. The UFC called them and blew smoke up their ass

and they accepted the fights. Now they can't sue. Now they can't get no big money. God, that fucking sucks. That sucks. I wouldn't want, I wouldn't, and I wouldn't, like if I was Ray Borgo, the other guy, I wouldn't fake it not to put Conor McGregor out of money,

but he's got a hundred million dollars. He could pay 40 of that. Yeah. And they were 16 and still fighting again, bitch. I'm not looking to put Conor McGregor in jail. That's not what I'm saying. I'm looking to make him pay. I bet there's a part of it with those guys where they're

such men, meaning like there's such alphas where they're like, nah, I'm good. I'm not the guy that sues. You know what I mean? Like I wonder if like those, those guys, like we'll deal with it in the ring type guys. You know what, bro? I was one of those guys too.

Yeah. And now you have to, in this day and age, if the wheels will turn around, you bet your ass they're going to sue Berkreicher. Oh, yeah. You bet their ass they're going to sue Berkreicher. You know, you know, John Brathano, what's that guy's name that plays the punisher?

Oh, yeah. Oh, I know who you're talking about. Great guy, great guy. Yeah, he was from Walking Dead, right? He's going to be on the podcast next month in August. He's a good guy. He's in New York shooting right now. He tells a great story about a guy having a fight with him.

Guy did something to his dog or something. He hit the guy. He got sued. I found out he was an actor. He got sued for big money. He had a barrel of money from his family and everything and worked it off. Yeah, because these people look for that.

So if people are going to do it to you, people in this day and age, fucking forget about it. In this day and age, look at the day after the school shooting. All those school shootings and shit. In this day and age, they don't give a fuck, Jack. Those attorneys come to you at the wake and tell you how much money you're going to get,

what you're going to get, how you're going to get it. I guess it doesn't pay to be honorable. Well, the other thing, and I always get, because I'm a sports fan, and that's a big thing you hear, even just people leaving their hometown. These guys aren't going to be fighting in the USC forever. So even if they get a fight right away,

it would make more sense for them to set themselves up for life. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. That makes sense. People get shit all the time for taking money. Did you watch the fucking thing on HBO Real Sports? Which one? The one two weeks ago, but the NFL.

No. The NFL came to the conclusion that, yes, concussions kill football players. Yes, this thing, and they put out two billion fucking dollars to pay out all these families. The only problem is, they ain't paying nobody. Why? I mean, they're not paying anybody.

Fucking, you know who's got it bad, like the guy Gaston, huh? Who, by the way? Mark Gaston, huh? His fucking wife had a baby yesterday. His ex-wife, Rocky Balboa's ex-wife had a kid yesterday at 50. Oh, Bridget Nielsen, four years old. Oh, yeah.

Remember, she left Rocky for fucking Mark Gaston. Bridget Nielsen. Had a kid at 50 fucking four yesterday, guys. That's crazy. That's crazy. You wouldn't do that? I would be scared for my wife. The kid could have three fucking heads.

Welcomes her fifth child. Yeah, 54 fucking years old. Had a kid yesterday. But she left Rocky, I think. Wow. From Mark Gaston. Mark Gaston was a bad motherfucker. Dude, he was a bad motherfucker in the NFL.

He was fucking up the Patriots League. And he was living life crazy. He was living life crazy, that dude. Well, now he's got the disease, and he's going, yeah, we've all been this, that, certified, doctors have said yes. NFL ain't paying. So you have to look at a team like, you have to look at football now and go,

Jesus Christ, I can't support this no more. Even though I really like it, I can't support this no more. They've all become fucking scumbags. They've all become scumbags. That was one of the funniest things, Ralphie sued Spellbinders, because he fell through the stage one time. Fuck that player.

Your stage has got to be built for guys like me. He fell through their fucking stage. Spellbinders, you didn't know this? Spellbinders. Spellbinders is the Houston improv. When the Houston improv first moved across the street from the improv now, was Spellbinders. Spellbinders was a huge club in Houston, Texas.

In the 90s. And that's where Ralphie really cut his teeth on. And the beef with Ralphie and the lady was that he fell through the stage. And then Ralphie judged us. Can you open that door? She's not dead. An attorney.

Oh my goodness. An attorney, Jesus Christ. An attorney was at the show. And as they were pulling Ralphie out of the ambulance, he was like, here you go, play it, call him here. Some shit. Oh, shut up. So this is Ralphie calling the next day.

And the guy told him that, you know, I looked at the thing and it was against code. They didn't have no two by fours under there. You should sue him. And Ralphie's like, well, I'm never getting to work no more. And the guy's like, fuck it. You can buy your own comedy club. That's how Ralphie, suppose, I don't know how true it is.

I know he fell through the stage and sued him. Really? Did he get any money? Yeah, he got money. So the lady's name was like Kim Collins, Kim something. Look it up, Lee. Let's see if we can find spellbinders. Houston, Texas.

It probably closed in 97, 96. So Ralphie fell through the stage. Has never taken him to the hospital. Some lawyer came up to him and said sue him because I looked through the floor and they didn't have a fire, garden or whatever. And Ralphie got him for a couple of grand. And I asked him years later, like I found out on the sly. Like I didn't find out from him.

He never told me. One day I asked him, I go, hey, Ralphie, I caught Kim Collins looking for a job. Is that the name? It closed in 2013. What was her name though? Deona. Let's see. It says Danny Martinez on this article.

Right. No, no, no. That's the comedy lab, lab spot. No, no. That's the lab spot. That's the lab. In Houston, they used to have the lab spot and the lab stop. And the lab stop.

I put the lab stop with Pete. Yeah. Me, Pirelli. Pirelli. The lab spot was the other one on the outskirts of Denver, on the outskirts of Houston. That was, it was where the fucking there were like animals out there. And then there was Spellbinders, which was inside the city limits. No, it was outside the loop.

That's why it's, and so then they opened the Houston improv there. And then once the Houston improv, they had to grow, they moved across the street. But yeah, years later, I said to him, Ralphie, I called Kim Collins looking for a week. And she said she couldn't give me a week because I was friends with you. What's the problem? That's how I got him. I couldn't go right up Burt. That's how I got him.

I didn't go up to him and go Ralphie. Did you really fall through the stage? Yeah. I went up to him and I'm like, Ralphie, I don't know what the fuck happened. I called whatever her name was to get a week and she said I couldn't do it because I was friends with you. What'd you do over there? And he's like, ah, player, you know, the fucking stage is fucked up. He tried to like go around it every way he could.

And then somebody, I think Jody was in the back and she goes, he fell through the fucking stage. Oh, bitch. No, I didn't. And they started getting into an argument and some shit. The thing had faulted towel. That's what he kept saying. They had faulted towel. And no faulty tile.

Faulted tile. He jumped to something and went right fucking through the thing. Oh, that's fucking hilarious. So I think he sued him. I asked him years later why. He said because they did something shitty to him. They didn't pay the hospital bill. Something.

Oh, really? So he said, fuck, I sued him. I got like whatever. I think he paid for that for a runner whether or not whatever. He paid for that for a runner. Moving the floor runner? Yeah. Yeah.

I remember when he felt through the chair at my house. Oh, don't bring that up, please. He was like, I can't stop laughing. Last time I couldn't stop laughing for days. He had no recollection of it. And I think he came on and did your podcast. You talked about it. No, no, we talked about it.

And he texted me. He's like, playing a lot of fault through a baby house. It's all right to believe he's been gone almost a year. I said to Island the car today. I said, she wanted to get fried chicken and watch TV. So we were going to get fried chicken. And I said, are you home tonight? And I said, yeah, I'm home, but I'm going over to do Joey's podcast.

She goes, what was the name of the big guy? And I go, Ralphie? She goes, no, I think it's Tommy. I said, no, you're thinking of Tommy Buns. And she goes, Tommy Buns and Ralphie are two different people. I go, yeah, they're two different people. She goes, what's Ralphie doing? And I said, he's dead.

And just sat there silent. She's like, yeah, babies. Didn't he? I was like, yeah, she's like, where are they? I said, I think they're in the hills. I don't know where they live now. Me neither. It's very sad.

Yeah. That bums me out. Where were you last weekend? We did. We did the mean Savakano, Nate Bargazzi and Kyle Kanane did the shape performing arts center for Chicago theater and the Fox theater in Detroit. Like a three day run. It was hard, man.

I'm not going to, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not one of someone who work at night, fly in the morning, work at night, fly in the morning, work at night. I can go into one place and do a weekend. But that, that three day run is going to, I'm supposed to do a bunch of them and starting in January. And I don't, I don't know if I got it in me. Like I may need to find a work around like a, like a tour bus or a sprinter

and just get done the show and drive that night. I don't know if I can fucking fly every day like that. It kind of takes it out of me. It's like that. I did an Australian tour where I did a Perth, Melbourne, Sydney. I did like five cities in Australia and you, and it was set up. They kind of fucked it up so that it was set up. We're supposed to be like a day into a place, fly, hang out for a day, perform,

hang out for a day, fly, hang out like, but I had to go and do press. So I had to fly back and forth from Melbourne like twice or three times. And I ended up flying and performing every single day. And I was a fucking mess, like a mess. And so I'm, I gotta, I gotta figure a way to do a tour. I can't do it the way like Segura just goes in and does a show and then leaves. He doesn't say hi to anybody. He just leaves, goes home, watches TV, gets up, gets on the earliest flight,

flies in, takes a nap, performs, gets out of there. Like he's out of the venue. I went out and did a meet and greet with the audience in Chicago because it was like, they were like, you know, there's still, it's a 3,500 seater. There's still, you know, 700 people waiting to say hi. And the way my brain works, I know this isn't healthy and I know this isn't popular and I know this isn't what everyone else does. But part of me says, if, if I paid to go see one of my favorite comics,

it would be cool if he would take the time to come out and try to say hi to me. And so I went out, I did a meet and greet with everyone waiting in the street. They were, they were, they had like security guards and barriers and cops. But you just go out and you just go, let's circle them out. Get your phones in selfie mode. Let's do selfies. And people were cool. And I did, I probably did maybe, I don't know how many people,

but I did a couple hundred, a few hundred people of selfies in a really short time. But I don't know if I can do that every fucking night, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I enjoy doing the pictures. Yeah. Some clubs now, because we do clubs. Yeah. I don't want to do a theater. So the clubs will tell you.

I mean, we talked about this. We talked about this. Yeah. The club will tell you, Joey, I'm sold out the second show. You can't go out there. Yeah. You can't go out there. You'll cause fucking pandemonium.

It's too slow. Yeah. The show won't start till 1130. Do us the favor. Just fuck it. Go out the second show. And that's what I do. They're, they're clubs.

There's nothing you can do. I love to meet them. I love to fuck them. If you do the meet and greet, then you are literally doing the meet and greet and then walking right on stage. On stage. You don't get any time to like sit back, relax, go over your nose. And what kills me is that the people that are coming in for the second show will come

and take pictures. Oh, that drives me fucking nuts. And it drives you crazy. So now you can't do it. You can't do it because it was supposed to be 100 people, but now it turned into 350 and you see the people taking pictures and going in and going. So you took a, you know what I'm saying? So now you cannot do it.

You cannot do it. I love to work and I love doing comedy, but here's the fucking bottom line. I'm an older gentleman now. And you know what, man? It burns me to fuck out. And I'll tell you what else. I'm not a feature no more. If I was featuring, I wouldn't give a fuck because it really doesn't matter.

They're not there to see me. I don't give a fuck. When I was a feature. Yeah. I don't drink all night and I work every week because it doesn't matter. I don't have to take pictures. You know how many people want to take pictures of me? Three losers that don't like the headliner, but like me.

That's it. You're better than the headliner. We liked you a lot. Oh, that's great. And these are the guys that I'm going to call CAA on Monday and tell them that they like me more than the headliner. Shut the fuck up. You know, but that's the truth.

So you cannot give your all and like that's why I don't do it every week. I cannot do it. It's a lot. I look at those guys like when you hear about like, you know, those Disney stars or the Jonas Brothers or, you know, those people who do the meet and greet and who give everything to their fans. Like Dane used to. I go, man, that's a lot of fucking, that's a lot of, it's a reason, I mean, Segura is

not a dick. He just goes, I can't, you physically cannot do it. You know, I remember texting Rogan one time and I was like, Hey, what are you, I was at the Wilbur. I was like, am I supposed to a meet and greet? There's 1200 people here. Yeah. He was like, you can't do a meet and greet for a theater and you can't.

At the Wilbur, when I did the Wilbur last time, I did one show, early show, couldn't do a meet and greet and there were people upset with me, like upset. They bring presents. They draw drawings. They make a care basket and they're like, I just wanted to say hi. And then the late show, I was like, I was like, fuck it. I'll go to the bar down the street. If you want to meet me and say hi, go down to the bar.

I showed up. I know lie. There was probably 500 people armed to arm in a bar and I was like, maybe that was a bad idea. We'll see that the problem with the bar is that I haven't problem with this. Yeah. But there's only one problem as soon as the first camera comes out. I'm leaving.

Yeah. That's it. That's my deal. I'll meet you at the bar, but as soon as the first camera comes out or the first stupid fucking question about the Joe Rogan podcast, episode 48, Jesus, when I was on there with Bert Kreischer and I talked about the Martians landing in Cuba, that's when I got to go. Like I got to go. I just did two shows.

I don't know what I talked about in episode 484 of Joe Rogan. No, do I want to remember? So many people tell me about Joe Rogan and I was a great guy and they're like, no, no, no, no. The best is when they come up to you and go, hey man, tell Joe to come on back and see us. Yeah. I'll tell them right tomorrow morning.

Hey, I got this for you. Would you take this to Joe for me? No. Nope. No. You take it yourself. Man, assume yourself. Fucking God forbid.

I'm gonna fucking. You know, yesterday we had a conversation about the emails that we get. Yeah. And like the creepy emails you get from people, demanding things, like demanding things. Like, oh, well, you know, I'm doing this thing and I want you to give it to Joe and tell Joe that I need this. And you're like, fucking tell Joe yourself. First off, Joe doesn't answer a fucking email.

Joe doesn't respond to an email or a fucking tweet. He knows better. Yeah. He keeps them way at fucking distance. We're the only assholes that talk and say hello and shit like that. He does meet and greets, which he's great at. Yeah. He's really good at meeting.

But he don't take no shit. I saw him. At a meeting. He don't take no shit. He's like, all right, come on. Let's do it. Awesome. Thank you so much, brother.

Thank you very much. Hey, man, excuse me. That time you talked about the tub. Get the fuck out of here. Who knows what the fuck I said. That was eight years ago. Yeah. You want to talk about a tub now?

Those are fucking hilarious when you see the guy go, um, I just have one question about chemtrails. Um, if you talk to Eddie about this and Joe's like, buddy, I'm sorry. It's over. Thank you so much for the picture. Who's next? Let's go. I wish I could be more like that.

Yeah. No, no, no. I have to tell him. Knock it off. My problem with my problem with pictures, my problem with like going to hang out at a bar and people bringing out cameras is that it's always the girl who wants the fifth or seventh picture. She wants to just keep taking pictures.

You're like, you got one already. You got one taken. Like, yeah, let's let them go get people. Oh, hey, you recognize this guy from brothers to conquer the guys like not really. Yeah. Can you take a picture with my friend? Not, you know, it's a no. Yeah.

You bring him over. He's soliciting for me. Why are you soliciting fucking pictures? If I see somebody sitting in a conversation, I do not bother. If I see somebody involved in a conversation, my world is done. My minute to talk to them. That's how my mom raised me. I don't know how your mom raised you that when somebody's in a conversation, you have

the right to come over and tap somebody in the shoulder and ask them to take a picture. That's completely wrong in my world. Yeah. The one that completely wrong in my world, the one that gets me because I love going to see comedy is when I'm in the back of a show and when people I've had people when other comedians are on stage, try to take a picture and it doesn't happen to me that often. So I still like taking pictures just because it's weird.

But to do it in the middle of a show when someone's when a comic's on stage, they have no fucking class. No. No class. It's like the other night we went to Irene's room. What's the name of it? Roomie Cafe. The Roomie Cafe.

And there was a guy talking while a girl was on stage, like a comic talking like about his before. I got burdened by next. Yeah. Thank you. That's it. Yep. Burdened by next.

It's an okay. If I do the joke about the pigeon, what'd you say? It's an okay. If I do the joke about the pigeon, I really want to try it. I'm doing an HBO showcase and I'm like, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. There's somebody on stage. Do you not see somebody on stage?

What's with the fucking questions? They drive me fucking crazy. Yeah. Or they eat. Or they just do little things that you sit there and go, is this necessary? There's a guy at Roomie coloring or drawing the other day. You know, and listen, I know it's an open mic. You know how many fucking poetry readings I snuck into in Bowman when I first started

comedy? Yeah. But after a while, I got the hint and I stopped going. They didn't want me there. If you show up with a guitar to an open mic, I'm going to break it over your fucking head. You know what I'm saying? Like, especially like a musician, like if there's a comedy open mic, don't come in here with folk music.

I don't want to hear your fucking folk boring music, man. I really don't. Save it for a music. I don't go to music open mics for a reason because I'm disrespecting you guys. Why would you bring a guitar and want to play at the Roomie fucking cafe for when it's all comedians trying to, it's getting weirder and fucking weirder out there? The people are the guys that bring the guitar on the plane. Those are the best.

They're not even in a fucking band. Like why are you guarding this guitar? Why? And then they sit all the way in the back. So that means they got to take a whole fucking space for that measly $233. They got to take the whole fucking space with that fucking wooden guitar because it's a piece of shit and they can't check it. It drives me crazy when I see a guy checking a skateboard or a guitar or a surfboard.

I want to fucking show it up their fucking ass. I flew the skateboard once. I believe it. And the guy, and I was, I was. Every time I see it with a skateboard, I make believe like I didn't see the skateboard. I got on the plane and I had a skateboard and the guy said to me, uh, going to see your son. I was like, what?

I looked like a divorce dad. He just goes going. I was at the bar. Is it going to see your son and get him a skateboard? I was like, no, it's my skateboard. And he was like, are you a skateboard? I was like, yeah. He goes, how old are you?

I was like 43. He was like, wow. You gotta be careful, man. You could really hurt yourself. And I was like, wait, what? And then I was like, and then I looked at it. I was like, I don't look like I'm cool with this skateboard. I just look like I, I'm taking this home for my son.

You know, when you see those dads coming home from drop off on their scooters, like the dad's kicking the scooter home and you can say, oh, the kid rode the scooter to school. The dad's taking it home. So that's why I stopped. Now the girls, the girls have taken over all my skateboards. Really? Girls go with the skateboard. They are.

They just, they got into it like a couple of months ago. And uh, and so they go out in the front, in the front street and skateboard around there. It's a one way street. So they just skate around and I don't like that they, of course I'm, I'm a helicopter parent. I make them wear helmets and the f**king pads. Like I'm like, no, you can't.

I'm like, I can't, I can't imagine that my dad didn't even know I had a skateboard and just was like, I was hitting ramps with nothing as a kid, like, how many f**king head injuries did I have growing up? I've had, I've had probably like legit six concussions, I think, just so you know, just being a kid, not knowing. That explains it. Yeah. That explains this behavior and f**king skateboards and calling times to go refat.

F**king cigar is disgusting. Dude, I've gained so much weight after running that f**king marathon. Now running that marathon was the dumbest thing I ever did. Why? Because I did it and I couldn't walk for like a week and then I couldn't run for like a month. So for a month, I didn't get to work out for a month. Like I could not use my legs.

I couldn't use my upper body and I put on 10 pounds that month. Quick as s**t. And now I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, now I've got a nutritionist, nutritionalist, nutritionist, and a coach and I'm training for a triathlon. Isn't that longer than a marathon? No, triathlons. Much easier, I think, in my opinion. It's a short swim, like a quarter mile, half mile swim, 10, 15 mile bike ride and like

a three to five mile jog or run. All the things you don't do, let me get some Tony Bennett. All the things you don't f**king do. You want to do now? Yeah, I'm starting. Is this, what's this? This is Tony Bennett. This is the song I'm playing for you for the triathlete.

Let me get some shout outs on my man, Matthew Humphrey, Ralph Weimer, Saw Twittable, Rob Dukes, Edward Kaz Koneckoff, Jimmy's brother, Curtis Stillwell, Brandon Pagano and Rony Mann. The Ice House, the 7th of July is sold out. All I got left is the 13th and 14th at the South Point Casino in motherf**king Las Vegas. I'll see you there. I got nothing in July. I got that and I got the Utah tour.

I got the Burbank Airport tour all of June and July. That's how I do it. I got one gig. I only have one gig in July. That's it. You know how weird that is for me. Where you going? I'm doing, I'm hosting this thing called Rover Fest, which is a big event, big festival

in Cleveland and I'm doing two shows Thursday, two shows Friday at Hilarities, like right before Rover. It's in the middle of the month, I think 18th and 17th of June, July. That's a good place to be. You're going to sweat your f**king balls off. That's going to be hot as f**k. Hot as f**k, but the Cleveland Indians are in town. You'll have a good time and you're home the rest of the time for you.

I'm home. I go off to Pittsburgh this weekend. I do a theater, the Burnham, Bynum and then I'm doing a live podcast the next day and that's it and then I'm done. I'm done for three weeks straight. I do the July date and then I'm done for another three weeks, two weeks. I can't f**king wait. I'm done this week.

I got nothing next week. You going to be going to the store? Nope. Yeah. I'm going to do Lee's thing. They call today. I was like, I'm doing Lee's thing tomorrow night and I was like, I think I'm just going to do one gig.

I got one joke I'm working on about poor people and then that's it. I'm not in the mood. Like I just did a month and a half of pressure work and I'm not in the mood for it. I agree man. You know what? If I want to do comedy, I want to do it. If I don't want to do it, I don't have to go nowhere. That's it.

That's the program I'm on for the next couple of weeks. I got to go to Vegas, which is just a workout, which is how I work out two nights. Yeah. Then I got to go to Utah. I've been writing a little bit, nothing too serene, but I had to start giving it a breather. I had to start doing this like music people. Yeah.

You know what man? It's been a long time and I'd rather focus on podcasting, focus on writing, focus on different things than constantly on the road. It takes a toll on, I don't like I tell these agents, they got no creativity. They got no creativity. There's a thousands of dollars online and you want me to carry my luggage to Pittsburgh. I'm not doing it, guy. I'm not doing it.

I'm trying to get the fuck off the fucking road. Like I'm trying to get the fuck off the road. Like one week a month is fine. I don't, I got a kid to raise. I don't want to end up like these guys. I don't want to end up like these guys, bro. You want your daughter to end up like Prius daughter walking around telling people, my dad, stop it.

Your dad didn't know to fuck your work because he was gone after fucking time. I'm not mad at him. I'm not. I did the same thing with my first door. This is what you commit to. Yeah. But I don't want to do that the second time. I don't want to do it right now.

Yeah. I want to make sure I was, I want to set, I had a meeting the other day with this guy. He was like, what do you want to do? I was like, I want to do a four camera sitcom that shoots a CBS Radford. I can ride my bike. That's it. Yeah. If that ain't it, don't bother.

That's it. That's all I want to do. I don't know what the fuck else you want to do. I don't mind. I genuinely wouldn't mind if a company got invested in what I do digitally, like the podcast and shooting videos and like taking what I'm doing a little bit to the next level and putting money into it and getting a studio, not a studio, but you know, like what Rogan has like a much smaller scale and doing stuff out of there every day, going there every

day. I could do that very easily, be very comfortable, do the road when I want to, but not like, but not be beholden to the road the way I am now. But the reason I'm beholden to the road now is that's the way I write also. Like I can't, when I'm home, I try to be a dad first. I try to hang out with the girls and the girls don't want me doing spots. I don't do spots. You know, yeah, they go to sleep at Georgia set one time.

Remember the night we were going to go for the, for the Jack Jr.'s birthday? Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I'll meet you there. I got in the car with Georgia and I go, just drop me off at the, ha, ha, Joey's be, Joey be there. I'm going to ride back from jet with Joey and Georgia got in the car and she goes, it would be nice if you came home with us. I said, okay, I can come home and I'll just get a Uber over there.

She goes, no, I mean, like, and you were there when we woke up. I go, I'm going to be there when you woke up, wake up. She goes, nobody like to know you're in bed when I go to bed that, that you're asleep there. I was like, oh, fuck. I go, that bothers you. And she goes, yeah, it kind of bothers me that my dad's out. I was like, it does, it does. My wife tells me, my wife tells me at Mercy says little things from time to time.

There's little things and you know what, I have to pay bills. I have to do what I have to do to keep the fucking lights on. But I also don't want them like, I think a Ralphie every day. I think Richard Johnny all the time. Yeah, I think a Mitch Hedberg. I think of a lot of fucking comics, bro, that had a way to make a living here. And the agents just threw them on the road. That's their easiest viable option.

Oh, I forgot them on the fucking road. And what happens is it's like anything else. It's like anything else. It's like when a girl strips, like when a girl's been working at fucking the greenhouse, juicer, you all fucking day, making eight bucks an hour and tips in the jar and she goes up to Van Nuys and shakes her pussy for an hour and makes a thousand bucks. What are the chances that girls are going to squeeze another fucking

orange ever again? No, it's very fucking tough. Then you buy a house, now they got you in debt. Now you have a kid. Now guess what? Now you've got to go out on the road. And once you have to go on the road, that's a horrible feeling. Yeah.

When you have to go on the road and be funny, it's not bueno feeling. It's a bueno feeling when you're on top and you want to go on the road and you're happy and you want to make them laugh. And you know that you're going home in the morning. You don't have to do this for another week. I look forward to hugging that dude and taking pictures of people and giving them a hundred percent of what I got. But it's like anything else.

That's why baseball is such a difficult fucking sport to play. All these professional athletes. Dude, I have thought this so. Think about that, that you have to be great for 160 games and you can't be great for 160 games. You cannot. If I go out 20 times a fucking year at five shows a weekend, that's how many shows.

How many fuck? What is that? That's five. It's a hundred shows. That's a hundred shows. I'm going to eat dick. Eighty eight. I'm going to I'm going to do a seventy eight percent.

Yeah. OK. I'm going to do seventy eight percent, but that's not bad. That means people are going to come fucking see me. But the more I go out, the more bad sets I'm going to have. It just makes fucking sense. You can't kill eight nights a fucking week. You cannot do it.

You cannot be on top of your game. And like you what you said about the marathon, you're a great athlete. You got a Mickey Mantle gene. You did the whole thing. You ran the 26 miles. But what good was it? You couldn't walk for a mile. I walked after that.

That's why I'm training for this marathon. What do I tell you all the time about working out? Remember when I used to go to Jiu-Jitsu on Monday and I couldn't walk the rest of the week and then I would go to Jiu-Jitsu Monday and Tuesday and I would do the eighty pound kettlebell and I'd walk around like an eighty pound man because I couldn't do it. Last week I went to Jiu-Jitsu three fucking times, two conditioning classes and three kickboxing classes.

I can never do that. You have to pace yourself. What are you looking at, Bert? I'm looking at Lee. I was trying to figure out what Lee was doing with his hands on the back. I'm just on the cameras. I was wondering how the fuck you did cameras. But no.

What's this, guys? What's that, mother fuckers? Shut the fuck up. That's right, bitches. That's hand quickness. I've been doing that since I was a kid. I've been doing this shit since I was a kid. I could get these motherfuckers all day long.

All day long, I'd get these motherfuckers. I've never been able to do that. That's because you've never seen the man have died. People have no idea. When I was a kid, I used to kill flies and put them in a stack and light them on fire with fucking... What? Oh, yeah.

This is a big biking funeral for the flies. So I have all Dean LaPreet right now. One of my good friends said, I remember when you were a kid one time, you'd kill like 100 flies in an hour. And you put them in a circle and you put the gasoline on them and lit them all on fire. Oh, my God. I would take their wings off and shit.

I'm definitely telling my therapist that. Sometimes I would... You know what I do? Sometimes I kill a fly and I feed it to Lulu. I take the wings off and I get my cat, Lulu. Lulu, come here. Look at this cat. This fucking fly. She goes bananas.

God, we have flies in our backyard and I never can do that. Oh, I kill them. I kill 10 flies a day. Easy. Really? With hand quickness. Fuck yeah. And if they're on a wall, I can just squish them.

They don't even see me coming. I can do a wall with a towel. I love them when they're on a window and they get kind of goofy because when they're on the window, the sun goes in their eyes and they get kind of goofy. Oh, my God, I light them on fire. You ever light them on fire? You take their wings off and put a light to them

and hear them fucking screech? No, I don't. You little filthy fucks. Watch, I fucking kill this one. Land, land, I dare you. He's gonna land close to Lee. Have you ever seen the people who tie strings on flies' legs? Oh, my God.

For what did they do to it? I think I did that one time. I did some creepy. Somehow you catch the fly. I don't know how you catch the fly and you freeze it. And then it gets like mind dizzy. And then you tie a string on its leg and you hold and you tie it like this and they just go

does Peter care about flies? I don't give a fuck. We're going to get something that they care about flies. Hold on one second. La, la, la, la, la, la. I spray stuff like that at the flies. I spray like Lysol or any like bleach. Hairspray.

Hairspray would freeze a fly. It would just go. I don't have any hairspray at home. Then you light them on fire. Remember, the final result was lighting them on fire. What a terrifying feeling for a fly. So you hear them going. Are cats bringing in rats lately?

No. Is eating them. Is eating half of them. But today she brought in a baby rat like fresh out. Like there must have been a nest or he brought in a baby rat. And it was still moving. It was kind of limping. And so we made a little nest and put it up in the tree

for the rat to grow up so we can only kill it later. But Isla and Georgia didn't want to kill it. They were like, Dad, we got to, we should take it to the vet and see if we can get it back to nurse it to health. And I was like, we're just going to kill it again. Like we're just going to put a rat trap out to kill it. But so we made it fucking out. How big of a rat did he come in with the other day?

This big? Oh, that's not right. That's a baby one. But it comes in with the ones like this big, tail out this long. Yeah. And they're still alive. Those ones, those ones are always dead.

Oh, thank God. Always dead. I stepped on one the other day. I was walking through the house. I stepped on it and I was like, fucking, what was that? And I turned around. I'm like, motherfucker, lost my shit. Is that why you don't have cats outside Joey?

Oh, cats are fucking, they are hunters. I watch this cat sit at our bird of paradise tree, just sit like this, just sit watching them, like for an hour, just staring. And then all of a sudden just leap, grab it, and just bring it inside. That's what the book Cat Wars is about. Cat Wars is about people getting pissed off at cats

because they kill everything. But what people don't know is that they even, they even fucking let them out of Disneyland that night. That's how they keep Disneyland clean that night. Really? They let out thousands of cats and they eat all the mice and all the garbage and all the bugs and shit, like that cat is necessary.

But this is what Cat Wars and what people are trying to do is to fucking people that kill all cats in the neighborhood because they kill birds. They're the worst hunters in the world. Cats, our cats kill a bunch of birds. You don't know the strength of a cat. And I think, who was saying the story the other day? It was Damon.

Was it Damon that was telling the story in here that we shot a video and the cats were out? No, Damon wasn't here. Well, somebody was telling the story that God damn it, Joey. There you go. Two for two. Did that go in my fucking beard? Probably.

Fuck. He was telling the story that he shot a video at my house and that the cats were out and you could feel the energy from the cats. You come out of my house at one in the morning and we'll take a bird out with a stick, like a fake bird. Oh. You start playing with the cats

and watch what happens to your home. Yeah, they'll fucking go. Your home goes up to a different decibel. You could feel it in the air. The power of the cats, especially when you have four or five of them and they're sitting around in a circle, their alertness is so fucking high

because at night they turn into fucking ice cold killers. Yeah. At night they are killers. They are known to be fucking killers. So if you're in a living room with a cat, like at night sometimes I get high and I'm like, what the fuck is going on in a living room? It's because there's four cats in the room

and they're sitting at opposite ends and I'm in the middle of that fucking spectrum and you can hear the fucking hunter-ness. They're killers. They're savages, savages. That's the show I pitched to Animal Planet about cat wars, about the book. To go around and let people know

and then we went down to the place downtown and the flower store that lady owns a business in LA that if you have problems with your cats, with rats instead of using pesticides, they'll come to your business, leave cats there and food to give them and where to put them at night and everything. So you don't have to use pesticides in your restaurant.

Really? It's credited the whole thing. Like if you have food and you have rats in that neighborhood, you call this lady and within 30 days because she inherited the flower market downtown LA and the big market down there and they didn't know how to get rid of the rats. The rats kept eating the gladiolos

or the white roses. There's something that they eat and they couldn't figure out how to kill the rats and she just started putting cats down there and the rats have disappeared and she goes, the rats were bigger than the fucking cats at one point. The rats are in our backyards.

We have an orange tree. We have a bird of paradise. The bird of paradise. We have this, the dude who cuts our bird of paradise or not a bird of paradise. It's a queen palm. It's just big, like, it looks like a big pineapple and with this guy, Mr. Gamble is an old black man

and one time he got up there and he's like, you're man, you're damn lucky. I ain't scared of rats. We said, yeah, he goes, man, you got more rats in here than I've ever seen in my life because they all go into the, they all go into the orange tree, grab the oranges, take them back to the bird of paradise and eat them.

So we have tons of rats. And man, we had, ever since this cat, we got this cat, she just started, this cat's fucking up rats. Can't you plug up that tree or something? No, you got to get rid of the orange tree. You just got to get rid of it. Cause there's squirrels eat out. As we were killing, they have rat traps,

but they have rat traps that, you know, you can't just put out a rat trap. It's just going to kill squirrels too. So it was, it was tough, but thankfully our fucking cat just kills rats now, like two a day. Do you ever see rats in the man cave? No, no, never. I would lose my fucking shit,

but I keep the door shut at night. But yeah, I would lose my shit. They could still creep in. I had a squirrel come in the man cave one time in the middle of a podcast, came in the, and I forget who I was with. He's like, it was some New York guy. And he's like, there's a fucking squirrel in here.

I was like, oh yeah. It's cause the orange, he picked an orange out of the tree and it rolled into the man cave. Like it dropped and rolled in and the squirrel just came in, grabbed the, grabbed the orange and started eating the guts out of the orange in front of them. And I was, I'm so used to it that I don't think anything about it.

And whoever it was was like, what the fuck? Hey, I got a goddamn squirrel in here. But yeah, I saw, I have a pellet gun that I used to shoot rats with at night. I just shoot rats. Then you got to do the, you got to clean it up. So I did the two rats and then I was like, I don't want to fucking pick up dead rats in my backyard.

And they just, they breed like crazy. They were in our attic for a while. And we had to have someone close up our attic fence cause they had just chewed holes through the, what you call it? And you'd hear them running around the attic. That's a horrible feeling. That's when I get up and get a hotel room.

That's it. Once I hear them in the ceilings or in the walls, you lost me, Jack. And you're like, fuck laying in bed going, that rat's going to crawl in my mouth middle of the night. Dude, I'll tell you the worst one we had was, we had an infestation of black widow spiders. That was the worst because we, we saw,

one day we saw one, we were getting ready, we were leaving at night and there was one crawling on the shutter by our door. And I said to my wife, I go, fucking black widow spiders. She goes, you know, I've seen a couple on the front patio. We should Google it. How can you tell?

The hourglass? They've got the thing on their back. It's, you can easily tell it's a black widow spider. No questions asked. You can tell it's a black widow spider. The red thing on their back, I think. So we go and go online and they say, black widow spiders are nesting at this time of year.

And they put these like little, they almost look like tennis ball nesting things under things, flip over your lawn furniture and see if you have them that way you can tell. Joey, we flipped over those Adirondacks in our front yard and there were 30 on each chair. It was just covered. And I started freaking the fuck out.

We went, we got spray, we started spraying and then we started looking. I have, you know, you know that, we used to have this thing in our backyard. It was a, it's like a, it's a bird house, but it says, they're very popular. I saw a rock city is like a bird house. I looked inside this thing with a fucking flashlight.

I'm not fucking lying to you. There was maybe 30 black widow spiders all crawling around inside it. And I started losing my fucking shit. Grown black widow spiders, grown black widow spiders. You slept since? Dude, I got to the point where then I was like, we had wood all on the side and I,

I started looking for them and then Leanne got bit by one. And so we had Clark's pest control come out. And this guy was like, bro, I've never seen so many black widow spiders in my entire life. And now to put it in perspective, we were never paying attention to them. And we never once got bit by them.

But then Leanne, once we started paying attention, Leanne got bit. She put her arm through the IV to grab something. And she was like, oh son of a bitch, something just bit me. And she got, she swole up and got sick. And, but you know, Leanne's a tough redneck. She lived through it. But we have had Clark's pest control once a month come out

and spray the living fuck out of our yard. Like spray everything. And now I haven't seen one, I haven't seen one in like a year, two years. But yeah, it was, dude, I was, I had a hard time sleeping at night. I used to say to Leanne, there's two times in my life, life before black widow spiders

and life after black widow spiders. I couldn't enjoy the front yard. I couldn't, I couldn't. When I was a kid, I had an infestation of mice right before my mother died in that fucking house. Yeah. And it changed me forever. Like I had never seen anything like that.

Oh my God. I'd never seen anything like that. Like I had been to people's houses and I saw a mouse. But to see thousands of mice in your house. No, there weren't that many mice. Yes, there were a lot. I would sit in the living room watching TV and I'd see them, they made tunnels.

They went to the point where the tunnels would go when they built the metal hands. Yeah. All those animals moved up. Possums, fucking, I remember walking home one night a hand heard from Steve Avillo's house and I heard this fucking thing jump. And I looked and there was a possum the size of a human.

It was like a little gorilla jumping from a tree. And he was holding on with those hoof hands. Yeah. And I fucking ran home like a fucking fag. Because I never saw a possum that big in my life. And I saw, it's Jersey, there's possums everywhere. I told Rogan this, he didn't believe me. When I was a kid,

a possums and rats would come in people's toilets. And what they do is the cops come to the house and they put a netting in between the toilet seat and the back and they pop the thing open and they shoot the rat or the possum right in your toilet. New York City, bro? Really? Rats come into the fucking toilet system.

Nope. You're shitting and there's a rat in your fucking toilet. Oh, fuck that. Can you imagine that shit? Fuck that. Can you imagine that shit? Next time you talk to- Fuck, you're gonna ruin,

I won't be able to shit comfortably. Do you ever go to talk to Opie? Yeah. Opie and Jimmy and all those guys. Next time you talk to Jim Norton or Opie, Opie was telling me a story that in New York there's so many rats now that they're not even waiting for the sun to come up

before they go out now. That now they go out looking for food when the sun's out. So your kid's playing at the park and there's rats all over the fucking park looking for food. That's how bad that is. I cannot deal with the- I can't even look at a mouse. I saw a mouse with you, was it with you?

I saw a mouse the other day with somebody in a car. I was in a car with somebody and we were by Bank of America and we were on Laurel Canyon Chase, Chase, right back there. And I went back there to pee or something and I saw a fucking mouse, I almost died. I never see a mouse out in the street. Every once in a while you see a big fucking black rat

right by the office here. Dude, we had our thing in Florida where cockroaches. Oh my God, you just took the words out of my mouth. Dude, cockroaches? I remember when I was a kid. Those Cuban people, they brought cockroaches with them. Listen, I tell the truth. I tell the truth.

Okay, that's one thing. I'd say things about people, but I also include myself when I fuck up. Nobody had roaches to the Puerto Ricans of Cubans came. That's the fucking truth. I did the fucking research and that's the truth. Cockroaches? Those Cuban cockroaches, bro.

Those things that are like this. Cockroaches? Those fucking cockroaches that come from Cuba that they open up. And they fly, they can fly. I don't give a fuck what anybody says. Those are Cuban cockroaches. I'll vouch for it.

I claim responsibility. That's what happens. That's why the Cubans kill. That's why they killed Kennedy. Ooh, those things bother me so much. They are disgusting just to look at. And when you step on them, they crunch. Don't you like the people who have

hissing cockroaches for pets? Oh yeah, I hang out with them. Who asked me? What the fuck? Madagascar hissing cockroaches, it's a thing. Don't listen to him. He don't know. He's a, whatever the fuck you call it.

Dude, I, when I was in- He's a polar retarded boy. He lives down the corner. We let him hang out with us from time to time. When I was in kindergarten or first grade, I was laying in bed and I was looking at the ceiling and I couldn't figure out what was moving on the ceiling. And all of a sudden, it drops and lands on my chest

and it's a fucking two inch cockroach on my chest and I lost my fucking shit. And I couldn't sleep in my bed alone for another year. I was in a store. I was eating sushi in New York as a grownup at like 25 years old. And we're eating sushi and I keep feeling that someone throwing shit in my hair.

And I'm turning around and there's this group laughing like behind me. So they do it once. I'm like, what the fuck? They do it the second time and I turn around. It happens the third time I go, hey, are you guys throwing shit at me? And they're like, no.

I go, what the fuck are you laughing at? And they're like, it's a cockroach. It's flying into your hair. And it was fucking falling in my hair and flying out. It like three different times. And I went, huh, I got up, walked out. I was like, oh my God, I want to throw up. Dude, fucking roaches are the,

that is that in Florida there would be infestations of cockroaches. And in New York too. Listen, I saw a fucking, I had to be six, maybe five. And this is how much it's sunk into my fucking psyche. I saw a fucking, my godmother used to have a wolf. They used to call him a logo. This dog's fucking eyes would shine.

He was evil. And he would hunt the rats in the basement. I mean, big New York rats in the 60s. I'm talking fucking rats with heads. But one night I went back to the tie of the wolf up. Me and Raul, Raul was my god, he wasn't my godfather. He was married to my godmother. I'll never forget this.

We made a turn and I saw a roach that had to be the size of a small mouse. And what I took out of my head was his eyes. He wasn't no fucking water butt. I'll tell you that. I know the difference between those Cuban cockroaches and a regular fucking roach. A Cuban cockroach will fly at you.

Yeah. It'll go right in your face. Right in your face dog. You're shit, you're fucking them. When the tentacles, the way the tentacles move and the legs, when you step on them and when your cat eats them, if your cat eats them, the one leg sticks

out of that fucking mouth, it keeps falling like that. It's fucking crazy that shit. And I know for a fact it was Cubans and Puerto Ricans that brought those roaches. I'm not accusing nobody. I'm not saying nothing. There's certain nationalities that brought certain creatures

to this, you know, you go to fucking Miami, they got everything. Between the Brazilians, the fucking, all the South American they brought, every fucking spider, dude, every fucking snake. Boa, boa. Boas, the boas run. And I'm not accusing anybody.

I'm just saying it comes in your luggage. College boys, college boys are the reason that pythons are all over Florida. And myself included, my buddy Chris Carter bought a python, a ball python and put it in a cage. And then in the middle of the year, it was just gone. It was gone. And we were like, hey man, your python got out.

And he was like, ah, fuck. And then we realized we're living with a python in our house. That there's a python floating around our house. And then we don't know where it is. How big was this thing? It was probably this big. Probably maybe like three feet at the time. Let's say four feet tops tops.

But don't they grow? Okay, oh yeah, they grow. But they don't grow really fast. Ball pythons aren't that, they don't get that big. But it's enough to fucking, it's enough to scare the living fuck out of you. So he has a ball python, it gets out. We're afraid for like a week and we forget about it.

And the only time he brings it up again is the day we're moving out where you're in college. You have like loads of laundry. You just grab an armfuls of laundry, put them in garbage bags and he just comes in and I have a closet filled with laundry and he goes, if you see my ball python, remember to grab it for me. Like, hold on to it, don't kill it.

And I went, oh my God, now I'm reaching into bags of laundry just going like, what if I feel a fucking snake in the middle? Like it was the scariest moving process I've ever had in my fucking life, but we never saw it. And now they have pythons all through the Everglades. They're pythons in backyards, attacking children in Florida.

Like pythons run rampant in Florida and that is frat boys right there. That is frat boys and fucking rednecks. Rednecks, they just didn't want their python and just like, I'm done with it. Put it in the backyard, let it go. But yeah, I had a guanis, never let them go. I had nothing.

I had a dog growing up, like normal fucking people. I didn't have no hamsters, I didn't want nothing. Nothing, I have no love for nothing. Then finally when my mom died, those people had a cat and that's how I started liking cats. He used to bring home everything, birds, animals. I'll never forget being coked up one morning and not being able to sleep and being laying on the bed

and Frisky was his name, black and white. He climbed up on me and the window was open with the screen and there was like a blue bird. I'll never forget him, like he would make that noise with his mouth. That noise is fucking amazing. He would go when I go, Frisky, go get that fucking two hours later, Frisky would have that bird

in the living room. That's fucking amazing, the cats can do that. Well, he was bringing home skunks. He was bringing home fucking squirrels. That cat was tougher than nails. He had his ear was missing, his leg was missing. He got into fights with fucking everything and everybody, they had a dog in my neighborhood.

Jimmy Balzano had him, Jim Balzano was a gay dude. I love him to death, but he had a dog growing up. He wasn't gay when he was a kid. I know he was gay. He was fucking chicks two at a time when he was a young kid because they all thought he was good looking. But he was like George Michael, he was hiding the secret.

I still can't believe George's Michael is gay. We used to dress like him. I watched that show, it was fucking great. The autopsy of George Michael and the fucking final hours and his loneliness. How lonely he was and shit at the end. When I moved here, they caught like, I moved here when I was on fire.

Like I moved here on a Monday and that Friday was a North Hollywood shootout. Shut the fuck up. And I was on my way up to get a job with Doug Stanhope's car. I borrowed Doug Stanhope's car. Do you know about the North Hollywood shootout? Yeah, the bank.

Oh, but that was right up the street from us. Right up the street from us. And then also that week, the following week was when George Michael got caught in the bathroom because listen to me, guys, I was living in a trailer with Carol in a park in Beverly Hills. And when we left that park, like three days later,

he got caught jerking off in the park with a kid in that same park. The park you lived at? The park me and Carol lived at in the fucking trailer. That's fucking crazy. Were you here for a North Hollywood shootout? No, I wasn't here yet. I was still in, I think I was still in New York.

No, that was in the 90s. Where were you in the early 2000s? Where were you in the early 2000s, right? And what was it like? You weren't in this neighborhood then. Where were you up in Ventura? Were you like in high school or something? And it was fucked up that day.

Remember, it was fucking, fucking crazy. That's crazy. That changed the game. Is that what, did they have less strict rules on assault rifles in California at the time? You know, I don't know what it was. I know you couldn't get on the 101. And like, I couldn't get on.

And I had to make like, I backed off the ramp. You know where I tried to get on? I tried to get on the 101 by the 101 cafe. Yeah. Right there, Gower. It's the Gower exit or whatever it's called. And it wouldn't let me get on the ramp. Really?

So I went up the corner, I went around, and I went to the 101 diner to eat breakfast. And when I got to the 101 diner, they're like, North Hollywood, shootout. I'm like, I'm going to North Hollywood to apply for a job. They're like, no, you're not, the 101 is closed. I was headed to North Hollywood to apply for a telemarketing job.

Really? That was that. I remember when that, I remember seeing the footage of that. And then reading, I read an article about it. Just recently, there was a great article about. Was that, yeah. Yeah, just about a month ago, a great article came out about what they wore,

how that really changed the game. That changed what cops used, that changed. That was fucked up there, man. Were you guys here for like a huge earthquake? Were you here for a big earthquake? There hasn't been a big one since, I don't think, what? 94?

94. I've only experienced one earthquake that I can acknowledge. Maybe two, but like one where I was like, well, but it wasn't an earthquake, it was just a tremor. It was just a tremor where you went, whoa. Oh, wow, that's crazy. Nothing big, nothing massive.

My wife, there was one, like probably now, like three years ago, I'm guessing. There was a morning one, it was like 6 a.m. And my wife was outside walking the dogs, outside with the dogs. She said it was pretty amazing to be outside during an earthquake, because the ground just kind of moves under your feet.

And the trees all just, the leaves shake, like shh. She was like, it was really crazy, and then you hear car alarms go off. But yeah, I haven't really experienced one. Oh, you will, keep fucking around. I've gone on the road so much, Joey. That scares me, that you're on the road one day and all of a sudden there's an earthquake

and you can't land. Like we can't get back. Yeah. Like LAX port is closed, Burbank airport is closed, John Wayne airport is closed. Like a big earthquake. Like that petrifies the shit of me all the time. Well, Leanne's got guns and food and what can catch.

Yeah, that's all we need. Two big, one big dog, a cat that can kill rats. Yeah. Neighbors with guns, cops. I got the whole thing. That's why you leave, you leave in peace. The rings, the back rings, the front rings. We were gonna throw, me and like these kids,

the George's friend, like three of our kids' friends that all live in the same neighborhood. You've met them, you've met them over at the house a few times, Eric and Darren. You've met a nice people, you have a nice people. We were gonna throw an emergency party, right? The theory is, let's see how fast we can react to an emergency.

So like one weekend, just out of nowhere, like on a Sunday, we just text each other, attention, emergency party, there's been an earthquake, get over to our house with supplies now and you bring over like, like what would you, what would you bring in an emergency and see how fast you could react? Cause I think everyone thinks they're ready

but no one's fucking ready. No one's ready. I got a lot of ammunition. I got a lot of ammunition. That's the only thing. I just bought a ridiculous amount of bullets for the guns cause I just thought the shotgun's way too heavy. I don't fucking know what I'm doing with the goddamn shotgun.

I'm just gonna be redoing drywall in my house but I got a bunch of hollow points. You were nuts, didn't you? I was nuts, Joey. I didn't want that many weapons in my house. I didn't want that many because I'm crazy. Yeah. I don't want that much shit in my house.

I bury shit. Oh, I got a lot of shit buried. I have just in case. I have a taser. I have a taser, like the gun that shoots it. I have like five refill cartridges. I've got a stun gun. I've got these flashlights that are bats.

I've got so much shit in my house and the one time a homeless guy tried to break into our house I couldn't get any of it. I couldn't get to any of it. I just, Priscilla was the only thing that stopped it. Priscilla was the best. That dog is the best purchase I made because everyone's terrified of that fucking dog.

Everybody's terrified of it. Priscilla, you're done. Yeah. That's a good, that's a good, but there's motherfuckers that'll poison your dog. Like in my day, I'd take some fucking bread with some fucking paint thinner and your dog is sleeping for an hour.

You know what I'm saying? I don't give a fuck. I was crazy like that. Crazy like that shit. But I would never hurt a dog or an animal, nothing like that, but there's people who will. I have something everywhere. I'm always prepared.

There's always a knife. There's something. I tell my wife where they are so she don't put a hand back there or touch them. Mercy go back there. Were you doing that before you had kids? I've always been from my stepfather. I've always learned to be prepared.

I got something hidden at the store. I always have something somewhere. Just in case, just in case. That time I had to be from La Jolla. I went down there early. They said they want to come get me and I got all the poo balls. And I'm strategic the poo ball all over the fucking place

plus two in my pocket. You ever get hit in the head with a poo ball? No, it's not a good feeling. It's not a good feeling. It's like getting hit with a baseball without the stitching. You know what I'm saying? I felt that.

So yeah, I have shit stacked everywhere. So if something happens, there's always something I could go to. If I meet you at Starbucks, there's been a knife there since 6 a.m. I put a knife there at six o'clock and I know exactly where I'm gonna sit. I know the reaction time.

I know the whole fucking deal. You have to do that when you're a fucking creepy person like me, you know what I'm saying? You have to be on top of that shit. I learned that from my stepfather. I learned all that shit from him. Like just, you have to assume they're gonna search it. Yeah.

So if they search you, you don't have nothing on you but you still got the piece in the flower plant, then I gotta fucking know. I used to hide shit all over Marie T too. Yeah. That's the place you could definitely keep pieces everywhere. There's so many potted plants. Oh, there's so many potted plants and everything.

Who's gonna attack you at Marie TTC? Just get it. You're out in the open, man. As soon as you say that, I go, you are out in the open. I'm out in the open. Whenever you're out in the open, you have to have something. I have a hanger in the car. I'm always there.

I remember you telling me of that. Never beat a man with a coat hanger at night. They don't see it. They don't see a fucking thing. They don't see a fucking thing. This is what I'm saying. When I was younger, like there was this guy, there was two guys that was thinking of Robby.

I'll never forget. There was a guy that I had even the cops watching him to help me rob this guy. Like I went to a cop buddy of mine. Like I go, listen, we're gonna rob this guy and I'll cut chain on him. Give me all the info on him. He's like, gladly.

And I'll never forget that cop calling me one day. Not calling me. Coming and getting me at three in the morning going, you're lucky to jump that dude, bro. He just, some guy went to jump him. He took the gun off the guy, shot both guys. That guy is no joke. I was like, whew.

And then I went to rob this bookie one time. And he was another crazy motherfucker that I thought thank God, cause then a year later, he shot two people or something. He did something crazy. So all these people that I thought were older and that they were a little weak. Don't fuck with those guys.

They got it down. They've been through it. They know the fucking deal. When we got the guns, I told the girls, I was like, obviously you guys don't ever touch my guns in Georgia, of course. You know, Georgia is like, nah, Dad, never. And I was like, worst case scenario, then I'll grab one.

I was like, whee. What's worst case scenario for you? She was like, if I come home and people are tied up and like you guys are all tied up and I'm free, then obviously you want me to break into the house and go around and grab the guns. So I'm like, no, that's not the last thing I want you to, what fucking movie have you been watching?

Really? I mean, I, I guess, no, because my theory is they're just going to take the gun out of her hand and she use it and shoot her and then shoot us. Yeah, she is a young, not to say she's a young girl. I mean, she's a young girl. She's a young girl. She's a young girl.

She's a young girl. She's a young girl. She's a young girl. Yeah, she is a young, not to say how young I wanted to do. Yeah. God, I'm just, because when I moved out here, I have like a kit with some clothes and like a water bottle and some batteries,

but I don't have anything to protect myself with. I never thought about it. You should go get a gun. No. Why not? It's good to have an apocalypse. I guess, but I also don't think I really want to live through the apocalypse to be honest.

Oh, come on. I don't think I'd do well. You already set up to succeed. No, I'm not. I'm the slowest one. No, you've got all that fat. You can just live off that. You don't have to go get food.

No, that'll be good for the, if I survive, but if there's anything leaving this building, then I'm gonna go downhill. Do you have any plans for natural disaster? For like an earthquake, just kind of leave. You just getting on the road? I wanted to get, I wanted to get like a dirt bike so that I could get my family out.

Right in the middle of the interstage. What if the roads are all messed up? I'll jump it on my dirt bike. I got a shotgun in the back sleeve. I got a glock on a holster. I can see where your daughter comes up with this movie. You have like a whole The Rock movie going on. That's so fucking funny.

Oh, look at this fly right here, Lee. You ready? Let's see if you get it. You got it. I got it. Oh my God, you did get with your phone. Holy shit, now it's on my fucking phone. My first time, Joey just does it with his hands

like he's like Mr. Miyagi or something. I did, I've never, maybe these, maybe it's because these flies are all flying into these bongs and they're a high as shit. And they're just like, my reaction time's off. I don't know what Joey's smoking. That's probably just dragging him in here. He always says my neck smells like hummus, but I don't.

Your neck smells like hummus? Yeah, I don't eat a hummus before I come here because he will say it, so. Where's the thing that you're touching to switch the cameras? It's my keyboard. Oh, oh my God, I'm such a fucking idiot. I've been watching you do that with the keyboard

and I'm like, what are you typing? Some people think I'm having like a tremor or something. They think I'm having like a seizure. So wait, are you high right now? A little, yeah, I'm like a five. Yeah, don't tell that to Joey. No, yeah, well, he's going through all those squirts. So, I mean, you fly a lot.

Yeah. Do you ever get nervous about going through and then finding something or? Yeah, I won't fly with anything. Nothing. I'm afraid to. I went on a cruise and I brought this pen with me. Right.

And I was terrified and they stopped me and they're like, we have to go through your bag. You have some stuff in here that you're not allowed to bring on the cruise ship. And I was like, I was with the girls. I was like, oh my God, they're gonna find weed. But I had little bottles of vodka. I didn't know it was, you know, it's just a plain bag.

And so I was terrified bringing this through and then I only used it once. So I was like, what's the point of me bringing it through? I'm trying to not smoke weed because I'm legit. I'm training for this triathlon and I can feel it in my lungs immediately. Well, you don't like that.

I know the DS brothers do triathlons. Yeah, but they do legit triathlons. I'm doing a sprint triathlon. They do like legit, like two and a half mile swim, fucking 20 mile run. Okay, so that's what I thought earlier when I was saying, yeah, I thought the triathlon was harder than the marathon.

No, no, no. You know, the Ironman is harder than the marathon. They have Ironman sprints or they have Ironman series, Ironman. And then they just have regular sprint triathlons. I'm just doing a sprint triathlon, which is still really fucking hard, but it's not, it's very doable, I think.

Especially if I train. I'm only doing it so that I'll train. I'm only training so I'll lose weight cause I feel fat as fuck right now. So when do you start with the nutritionist? I started last week and I was doing great and then I went on the road this weekend and the fucking wheels came off.

I didn't train, I didn't run, I didn't do anything. I ate like shit. I ate pizza in the middle of the night in Chicago. I ate fucking Coney dogs in Detroit. And then she's coming over to my house tomorrow. She texts with me. She, everything I eat, I register on my phone as she can see.

And then she'll text me and kind of keep up with me. She is the nutritionist for the New York Nets and for the Yankees. So she's like a legit nutritionist. And then my coach just kind of sends me like training things. And my goal in training is to do two of the events every day. So like I get on my spin bike and I just pedal. Not really hard, not like killing myself

but it still does kill you. Pedal for like 45 minutes, you know? Like 30 minutes and then get on the treadmill and run for 30 minutes or 25 minutes. Yeah but that's not, that's what Rogan told you. I'm telling you, why are you doing it? That's not training on the elliptical. No, no, no, no, no.

You gotta run on the street My treadmill is the aerosol runner. I don't give a fuck if it's the aerosol fucking runner. It's harder than running on the road. The treadmill's not powered. You power it by your own feet. So it is a fucking, it's the most uncomfortable treadmill

you've ever been on your life. If you run on that, then you go on the run on the road. The road feels so much easier. So that's why I do that. And then I'll do that every other day. I'll do the two and then I'll do like a hike from my house up to Freiman, up to the top of Freiman and then hike back.

And where you riding this bike at? Cause that's the cause of danger right there. That's where you gotta get the helmet. That's where it gets, it gets really dangerous on a fucking bike. Yeah, so you can't, where you gotta ride the bike up Prime in a bike. You gotta drive the car with the bike in the fucking car.

In order to find 12 miles to ride a bike, you gotta go into the middle of fucking nowhere. You can't just, They have the Chandler bike path. I think it's like 16 miles. No, Chandler bikes back there. Yeah, that's good. That's good.

Isn't it a bike, it's not on the street. No, you gotta cross fucking every road. You gotta cross little canyon. No, no, no, no. That's debt. There's too many stupid fucking people. Yeah, dude. You have to assume when you're on a bicycle

that the guy that is just too, and I see it, I see it all the fucking time. I see it all the fucking time. There's two people I know that personally got hit by fucking bicycles cars after I told them, are you fucking crazy? A girl that hangs up with my wife, so I put a helmet on one night after yoga.

Where you going? She said, I ride my bike home, I'm eco-friendly. Listen, don't do that. Oh, a guy opened the door. She broke all her teeth, surgery on her lip, the helmet, you can't ride your bike on the street. You can't ride your bike on the street. I can't ride your bike on the street.

My cousin broke her elbow. You can't ride your bike on the street. It's terrifying. That's why a lot of people go up to Malibu, but even still, those cars are flying down the PCH. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's the nightmare. You have to go to North Hollywood Park,

go to Noho Park, and that track, you can ride your bike around. So you take your mountain bike and you just ride around there for fucking two hours. That's it. And you run around there for two hours. That's a track. I'm taking my bike to Alabama,

out where Leanne is, because there's just fucking long stretches of road there. I'm gonna ride there. I still have to buy it. I'm just riding that, right now I'm riding on my spin bike. Yeah, you gotta get rid of the spin bike, brother. You only get one of those paddles.

And then you're swimming in your pool, or you're swimming. No, no, I'm swimming at Olympic pools. Where at? I did one up in Pacific Palisades. That's where I... The best pool around here? Where?

You don't have to go to Pacific Palisade? Where? That's the best pool. And they got a program. Where's the Burbank pool? Verdugo. Verdugo pool. And they got a swimming program there,

a master swimming program. You could be there at seven in the morning, nine, 11, one, three, six, nine. Verdugo Park? That's a baby, right there in Burbank Boulevard. Who the fuck are you kidding? That's the best pool in the area.

And they got a pool, fuck. What's not far at all? No. What do you think you're dealing with here? Joy Bananas? Pacific Palisades. No, no, I had to do that cause we did, my coach was up there.

Tell him to go fuck himself. Tell him to be a Verdugo Park. Pacific Palisades to swim. Let me go fuck himself. That's an hour and hour to swim an hour back. Meet me over here, I'ma pay you. No way, I'll pay you for your money. It's over there.

Right over there, there's a pool. Nice pool, nice white people. I mean, clean, hot dogs, fucking tremendous. They got a kiddie pool. It's cold in the fuck. They're open at 11, but you can go over there. Well, he went twice, didn't he? Now I went to my 24 hour fitness pool.

How's your 24 hour fitness pool? It's okay, it gets kinda busy, but it's not bad. I don't think it's as long as you need it to be. You just need it to be 25 meters. I don't know what that is. It's basically, there and back would be like a- 30 yards or something. Yeah, yeah, you-

Oh, maybe it's okay there. You know before I went to prison, I got into all that shit you're into. For real? Before I got locked up, the UPS man was built. And one day I opened up my fucking mouth. I was lifting weights and I was riding the mountain bike, right?

Yeah. I would ride at the Hertz and I would hit the bag and lift weights. When I knew I was getting locked up, the question was when I wanted to be in tip top shape. You gotta see this fucking UPS man. First of all, this guy was fucking every chick on the road. He had six kids and he was fucking married women,

single women. Really? Women were fucked up kids. He didn't give a fuck. Yeah. I would watch him. I was going to college. I'd be out there watching cars.

And every place he walked into, he made out with the chick. It was fucking hysterical. Good looking Italian dude from like Cleveland or something. So I asked him one day, I said, how did you get in shape? You got fucking six kids. He had six fucking kids. I go, how do you fucking get in shape?

And he goes, I swim. I go, I'm going to come swim with you all these days. You know when you open your mouth, you're like, I'm going to come with you all these days. He's like, oh, okay, I'll meet you there tomorrow. I go, what time are you going to meet? He goes, yeah, yeah. Six, me there about 545 AM.

And I heard AM. I go, what are you talking about? He goes, yeah, I swim, quarter to six. There's two classes. Six is a seven, but the beginning class is at six. And I'm like, all right. I'll be there. Yeah.

And when he walked away, I was like, what did I do? What did I just do? And I can't get away from this guy. I see him every fucking day. It's not like I'm never going to see him. Like those karate schools you walk in. Yeah, I'll be back next week. You sign up, then you never go back in.

I'll be back next week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll bring the money next week. Then you never come back. That's how I couldn't do that to him. So the next day I woke up at 530. I drank some fucking Tang. Those are the old Tang days.

Fucking Tang, delicious. A little Tang in the morning and a glass. And I rode my bicycle down and the lady was a lady. Built like Keechie. She was Hawaiian, beautiful. And she was Miss Iron Woman, 1984 and 85. Oh well. She was Hawaiian and white, fucking beautiful.

Three kids, she had, her body was fucking spotless. I mean, spotless, spotless, three kids. And she's like, I gotta evaluate you. Jump in the pool. And here I am, 25, muscles, you know. Yeah. Fuck it, let me show this bitch what I got. Shit, I never forgot, I jumped in the pool

and I must have burned, I must have gone for four minutes. And I popped my head up, dog, and I had moved. Maybe two steps and I had gone sideways. And she goes, okay, we got another beginner. And then my heart just sunk. Like I was like, oh God, I thought I was a good swimmer. I learned that the Y would black people when I was a kid, when I came back from Cuba,

I got the fucking patch that you could swim and shit. And for fucking one week, Bert, for one week, I would have to go there in a quarter to six for one week and just hold on to the edge and kick. And she taught me how to kick correctly because there's a way to kick. People don't kick right all the time. You have to kick, but there's gotta be

a little bend in your knee, slight bend. If not, you'll fuck up your knee when you swim. There has to be a slight bend and you have to swim a certain way. She wouldn't let you use your arms until you learn how to use your feet. She's not gonna let you use your arms. So come back, so for two weeks, I used my feet.

Then for a week, she just made me fucking put the paddle between your legs and just pull. Pull. Yeah. Put the paddle between your legs. Oh, you remember that? You put that ball between your legs and you gotta pull.

I remember that. You get home, you're like this, Lee. Your back is like this. You're like, Johnny, back. People are like, what happened to you? Nothing, I've been swimming all day. You're fucking yoked. You get a V from doing this shit, from pulling.

Because that's all it is, it's just pulling. She taught you how to correct your hands. Have your hands come in like this? Swimming is so detail-oriented. Dude, it is. It is so like, and you think you know what you're doing. That's the problem with swimming. You're like, oh, I've seen people do it.

When you jump in a pool, the swimming coach teaches you how to swim, you leave there like, that was fucked up. That's why I had to go to the Palisades because he wanted to watch me swim. He was like, I need to see if you can swim. Yeah. And I was like, I can swim.

He was like, no, I need to see that you can. Like, you know, there's two different types of people that know how to swim and people who can swim. And luckily, I mean, not luckily, but just luckily I was always on the swim team all the way up until high school. So I'm like, I can legit swim. Like I can swim, I could swim a quarter mile,

very easy, and get through it. It's not gonna kill me. It's gonna win me. Like when I did it the other day, I was definitely breathing hard, but I can do it because I just know the proper technique and I know to go slow and I know that when you're taking your breath, you need to rest up on your arm

and make sure that that's keeping you buoyant. All the little techniques, they knew how to flutter kick and especially freestyle, I'm fine with it. My stroke was the breaststroke, which today if I do, I get, I'm out of it. I can't do, I couldn't do, I probably couldn't do a 16th of a mile on a, with a breaststroke.

I could do this. Yeah, the breaststroke. I could do that all day long. I can't do this anymore. That I can't do. I can do that one super easy. No, I can't do that. Forget the butterfly.

I can never do butterfly. I can never do butterfly. I was starting to butterfly before I got locked up. Oh yeah? I even did a triathlon. I swam and rode a bike. Really? Yeah, I did the two, the bike, not the tri, the bike.

I'm not gonna lie. I rode the bike and I swam or whatever the fuck it was. Right before I got locked up. She was great. Her name was Jane. I really liked Jane. I always liked Jane, but she was a tough bitch, bro. She didn't give a fuck.

And you know what? By the time I got locked up, I was already in lane number three. There was four lanes and you had to move up the lanes. Really? You'd be like, motherfucker, you'll be in that lane for 10 years. She moved me up to lane number three

because you have to do like, it's like Jiu-Jitsu. You have to do competitions. She wants you to get involved. So first I did a couple of slim things out of Boulder Reservoir and that was scary as shit. Oh, I hate it. Nice open water? Yeah, I don't like none of that shit.

That scares the shit. Mine's in Lake Castaic. Yeah. That's up here. Yeah, Lake Castaic's fine and then I'm doing the Malibu like a month later. That's scary because that's open water, half a mile. Which means what?

Open water, you go swim out to the ocean in Malibu. Big waves, done. Who gives a fuck? You're swimming in big waves. Oh no, no, no, no, no. Me, I swim in pools, controlled substances. I don't wanna get bit by a shark or a Chinese fish. I don't wanna be bit by a shark.

That's all I'm thinking about in this dark attack. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, keep it light. That's all I'm thinking about in this dark attack. You're 44, you just wanna do it for fun. You know what I'm saying? I was, I wanna do more, I wouldn't mind Lake Triathlons,

but then I think the real challenge is, can you do that open water ocean? Cause that's, open water swimming is so different than, than like pool swimming. No shit. No shit, Sherlock. This is a fucking, yeah. No shit, open fucking water swimming is different.

Yeah, pool is nothing. A pool is nothing. Who you gonna hold on to the side? Oh, and the, and the warm of the water, the easy, you're like fucking John Claude. When the water's warm, you're doing all this shit. Oh yeah, you gotta see yourself. You're doing fucking somersaults underwater.

Try that motherfucking shit when you're off the beach. Bro, I almost drowned when I was fucking five in Coney Island. I got caught in one of those fucking things. It took me years. One of those riptides. One of those fucking spinners. Undertow?

Undertow? Yeah. I got caught in one of those there. I got caught in one in Miami. I don't know how the fuck I'm here. I'm scared of all that shit. I got utmost respect for the ocean. Upmost respect for the ocean.

I grew up surfing, so I never, you had respect for the ocean, but you understood that your connection with the ocean was you were simply something in it. You didn't have control over it. I think people who get caught up drowning, and there's like pro-servers that die drowning. So I'm not saying that I'm some amazing guy in the ocean,

but a lot of what happens with people that get caught up in the ocean is people that maybe don't respect it enough. And so I remember we got caught out in a riptide surfing and you were like, all right, very quickly you knew. I don't swim against that. I'm just swimming with it and to the side and getting the fuck out of it.

And then I'm gonna rest. I'm not gonna be afraid of how far out I am. And I'm gonna paddle back, and I'm gonna paddle back, and I'm gonna rest, and I'm gonna paddle back, and I'm gonna rest. But you see some people like to get out in the ocean

and they're just like, they're like in jeans shorts, and they're like, yeah, fuck this. And all of a sudden they get caught out in a riptide and they start panicking. And that, when you panic in the ocean, you're fucking done, you're done. I've been a lot more scared of the ocean than I ever was recently.

Like these last probably five years of my life, maybe a little less, but these last five years I've been scared of the ocean more than I've ever been. Like scuba diving's freaked me out. They never freaked me out before, but scuba diving was freaking me out. Just the ocean in general,

I just start, maybe I've gotten to the age where I'm like, I don't know if I need this extra thing in my life that might kill me, you know? But yeah, I went surfing in Fiji and just part of me was like, I get thrown off the board and I'm just like,

winded, I'm not the kid I was. I'm like winded and I'm fucking like holding on to the board and I'm trying to get out of the white water and I'm just paddling and I'm like, oh fuck this. Every time I went surfing, I went surfing in Puerto Rico and it's probably the first time I've been surfing in big waves since I was a child. I was never afraid of big waves.

I was never afraid of wiping out. I was never afraid of anything. And as I'm paddling out, all my instincts that happened when I was a kid of like, all right, these waves are pretty big. I need to get past them. The instincts of getting past the big waves so you don't get mauled,

all were very, I was very cool with. And I got out pretty quickly, but then once I got out past them and I'm sitting on my board and I'm watching waves come in and judging where I need to be in the break to not get fucked up, I started realizing,

oh, I don't have the ability to catch one of these waves. I don't have the ability to surf one of these waves and I definitely don't have the ability to survive wiping out on one of these waves. And I sat out there, Joey, for 45 fucking minutes without catching a wave, just sitting there, panicking going, fuck. And some guy came by on a jet ski

and I was like, I'm scared and I need to get out of here. And he was like, I figured that's what was going on. You haven't been moving. And I was like, okay, he was a Puerto Rican guy. I said it, like broken English. And he just, I grabbed on until he had a little surf thing on the back. I got to the front of my board,

grabbed on a little surf thing and he waited and he towed me through the surf, brought me in and I just got off and I was like, I'm done. And I couldn't even catch a wave. I was like, I'm done. I would have gotten fucking killed. But yeah, I don't fuck around with it. One of the most beautiful beaches I've ever been to

with intense waves is Bondi Beach in Australia. Oh man, that place, those waves are fucking legit. And they're not even that big, but you just, there's so much power in them. You know, growing up in Florida, we always had bullshit waves. It was like, you never could get really hurt. Then you come out to the Pacific Ocean

and you're just like, oh, you can fucking die out here. Yeah, I don't fuck around. That's a comparison really. You see it that way in the Pacific to the Atlantic. I don't really look at it that way. Atlantic was different. The Atlantic Ocean, in my opinion, was tricky in that there was riptides, there was undertow.

You get that in the Pacific, but like the Pacific is just, there's so much stronger. Like the wave just is so much heavier. And then I got into a thread where I was watching at this place called Tiapu, where it's like the big world's biggest wave, just the thickest wave. I don't know how these kids fucking do it.

I really honestly look at them and I go, the thing about youth, you just don't know what, you don't know what can kill you, I guess. I don't fucking know. Yeah, Malibu. Come do a triathlon with me. Not at this age. My knees are shot.

You know, my left knee, my right knee, I got that surgery done again. I mean, I try to stay, but there's just some shit at this age that you just... Yeah. For me, it would be, I'd love to drop another 30. You look great, man. Yeah, I'm down to like 270 something.

That's great. I gotta go down to 230, and then I'll have the knee surgery and maybe throw a run into the repertoire. I bumped back up to 235, 237 right after the marathon. That's where I'm floating at right now. And I'm just, it's all in my gut, my belt. And a lot of it's just booze when you know,

and I'm not working out. I'm just on the road boozing, not working out the next day, not burning any calories, eating, trying to eat healthy, but eating like shit. And I gotta lose, I gotta get down below 220. I gotta lose like 10, 15 pounds. How did your dad know?

You know, he just started eating marijuana regularly. Why? He came out, he came out like a few weeks ago for something, for my daughter's graduation. And we went to cryogenic therapy. We went to cryogenic therapy place over on Ventura. Yeah. US, US crowd there.

They're fucking great. They're great people. And I told him, I said, I said to my dad, I was like, my back's hurting. I'm gonna stop by cryogenic therapy. It was George's birthday. George was with us. And George goes, you know,

my dad, I've always wanted to try that. I saw a video of you doing it. I wanna try it. So we go in, I said, hey, can I, can my daughter do it? And they're like, how old is she? I said, 14. They're like, yeah. And they're like, you're her guardian.

And I was like, yeah. So George and I jumped in to do it. My dad has had heart procedures. And so they could, they needed a doctor for him to get in the tank. But they said, you know, we can do isolated and like freezing. We can just bring you in the room. Tremendous.

Your knee, my wrist, I did my knee last week. They did his knee and his hip. Yeah. And he felt fucking amazing. Tremendous. Tremendous. U.S. crowd therapy, Chris, they're great, great fucking people. And he, he got out and he was like,

now if I just had something that would help me sleep. And they said, the marijuana place right down the, right on the corner is not that bad. And my dad was like, really? He goes, would that, would that help? And I was like, yeah, definitely helps. And it's George's birthday. And you know, my dad, he'll try marijuana,

but he's never been like, he goes, buy me some marijuana so I can take it home with me. So we bought him $180 worth of edibles, got him these pretzels that are three milligrams, got him these mints that are 2.5, he eats a couple pretzels. Those mints are delicious. Yeah. Those mints are great.

Yeah. The CBD mints, the breeze mints, they're fucking great. And now he's, he's every night he'll eat a pretzel and have a glass of wine. And he's that, he sleeps like a log. Like a log. And then, and then on Sunday, this last Sunday, my mom was home and she goes,

your dad ate a pretzel when he woke up. So really, she's like, yeah, he was having anxiety and he thought a pretzel might fix it. And I go, did it fix it? And she goes, yeah. But he keeps calling me dude. Cause you know, my dad's not a big weed guy. So all of a sudden he starts getting eyes like,

hey dude, let's listen to some reggae, dude. You know, he's all over it. He loves it. When I first went on Weight Watchers, I got off the edibles. Yeah. Really big. Like I was like, and I was finding myself sleeping

three nights and then having problems three nights. Frustration sleep problem. Yeah. Frustrating. Like drinking Nyquil and fucking, you know, because I mix it up a little bit. I don't let my body get used to one thing. I don't want it to get used to like,

what's the shit in Turkey? Trigonosis? No. Triptophan. Triptophan. Triptophan. Trigonosis. Like we'll drink tryptophan.

That works two nights for Uncle Joe. Yeah. Oh, you mean melatonin? Melatonin. That's two nights. Gabba Gabba, that's two nights. God have had that. Yeah.

Then the other tea, that's two nights. The reefer two nights. You follow me? So, and then one night I'll take a fucking anxiety pill. Yeah. Which will put me out, I'll drink a half a beer. But for, I wasn't, I wasn't. I'm always eating an edible.

Yeah. All that Gabba Gabba and all that shit. That shit don't work. It don't work like an edible does. You sleep like a fucking baby. Really? When I eat edibles. I've never eaten edibles to sleep.

Oh my God. When you eat edibles at night. Those mints work? Eat 200 milligrams of those mints. And you will sleep like a fucking baby. I don't think I would. I think I'd be up panicking. You'll be sitting on the couch hearing,

go to sleep my baby, my baby, my baby. Go to sleep my baby, go to sleep bird please. Lolli hee, lolli hee, lolli hee, lolli hee. I'm telling you, I was watching the champ. Yeah. Last night when I got home, that he just signed over the horse. Just signed over the horse.

He just signed over the horse at the betting parlor. Yeah. And he borrowed the 2000 from Faye Dunaway. And the book he just came to the track to take the kid's horse, Ricky Schroder's horse. And he beats the fuck out of the bookmaker. He beats the fuck out of him. Yeah.

And next thing you know, I'm like, I gotta watch the rest of it, cause he's in jail. Ricky Schroder, you ever see that movie? Jesus Christ, where the fuck have you people been? I know, fuck oh, I haven't seen it. He's too busy watching Orange is the new purple with fucking none of the Scott shot. Let me tell you something,

Ricky Schroder comes into that jail cell. If you're a man, oh, if you're a man, any type of man, you will cry. Even if you were transgender and you switch governments, you're a man, you will cry. That's how much it affects your manhood. When he punches the wall and he tells that little kid, he can't watch him, no one wanna go live with that lady.

And he forces him, he throws his own son out of that cell and tells him to get the fuck out of here. I don't want you no more, you little fuck. It is, you have no idea. This is when movie making was fucking real, not this shit that, oh, that was a great movie. That movie sucked ass, dude. But next time, and I was so high on that edible,

I had to turn it off. Like I was like, I can't believe I'm turning off the champ to go to sleep, because I am so fucking tired from this edible. And I used to play with the edible. That's the problem you have. When the edible tells you to sleep, you have to go to sleep.

Because if you don't go to sleep, when the edible tells you to go to sleep, then he fucks with you. Then he keeps you up, which then the edible turns on you. When the edible turns on you, and people at home going, what the fuck are you talking about? I've been there. I'm telling you that when that edible tells you,

it's not be no new time. When you catch yourself falling asleep the first time, turn the TV off. Because if you stay up against that edible, then it turns on you, then it wakes you up. Then it's like a shot of fucking espresso. You might as well drink coffee, because you ain't going to bed.

Now, guess what else happens? It wakes you up, and it starts making you think. It starts making your mind think. It starts making that joke. What happened when you were in the sixth grade, when you kissed Lucy at the prom? All that dumb shit comes into your mind. Now it's five in the fucking morning.

And you gotta be up for a plane at eight. That's the worst. So when that edible tells me it's time to go to sleep, I go to sleep. And that's your lesson for the day. You know what I'm saying? Perfect. When that edible tells you it's not be no new time,

it's not be no new time. What do you have this weekend? I'll eat one of those mints tonight then. I'm in Pittsburgh this weekend. Yeah, this is the same stuff. Breeze, but this is the spray. A thousand milligrams, 20 milligrams of spray. Pittsburgh this weekend.

And then I think it's, that's it. I think it's that. You're just doing one theater this weekend. Doing one theater, the Bynum. Friday night. Friday night. And you're back Saturday. And then the 18th and 19th in Cleveland,

Houston, August 2nd, 3rd and 4th. That's it. That's it. That's all they need to know. If not, they forget anyway. Yeah. What are you wasting that time? Well, they wanna know where you're gonna be tomorrow.

Not in two fucking months. I'm gonna go make a blue apron right now. Are you? What flavor? I don't know, we got four, we got backed up. So we're gonna make two. What flavors you got at the house? You don't know?

I don't know. We've, we've, we're a big blue apron family. Well, that's why tonight we're gonna talk about blue apron. You understand me? Because they got the two person meal plan and you have the family meal plan. We got the family meal plan and we got the wine meal plan.

This is what I'm fucking talking about people. You understand me? Blue apron. Skip the meal planning and get straight to cooking with blue apron. Enjoy unforgettable meals inspired by the vibrant cooking of the Mediterranean, like seared salmon and spicy army salsa,

centered around fruits, veggies and lean meats and plenty of olive oil. You understand me? These recipes are deliciously nutritious with incredible ingredients and chef design recipes. Blue apron lets you see the power of what food can do. Blue apron will deliver fresh proportioned ingredients and step-by-step recipes right to your motherfucking door

that can be cooked in under 45 minutes. The menu changes every four every week based on what's in season and is designed by blue aprons in-house killing every team. Blue apron offers 12 new recipes each week and the customers can pick two, three or four recipes like Burt did based on what fits their schedule.

Let me explain something. Let me check out what this week's menu. You got creamy caramelized onion burgers with apple and pickled pepper salad. You got Christy Teigen's garlic and soy glazed shrimp with charred broccoli and hot green pepper sauce. Are you kidding me or what? You got spicy panna pasta with zucchini and capers

and you got roasted chicken drumsticks over cauliflower with orzo feta cheese and olives. Are you kidding me or what? That's a meal, you understand me? On top of that, you learned to cook like a family. A family who cooks together, stays together. If you got a girlfriend, you cook with your girlfriend. A couple that cooks together, stays together.

So you check out this week's menu. What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna give you your first three meals for free at blueapron.com slash joey. That's blueapron.com slash joey. Get your first three meals for free. Blueapron, a better way to cook. Number two, like I told you in the beginning,

everybody wants to fuck and go to heaven but nobody wants to die. Bert, contact fucking Aubrey and I and tell him you want some fucking strength and protein. Get all this stuff, get the fucking. Cowkinsbury, that's a guy. Yeah, Cowkinsbury was here last week.

Did you talk to him? No, no, I started watching, I listened to the podcast with Joe, it was a great podcast. He's a great kid. And then I think I followed him on Instagram, I followed him on Twitter. Yeah, he's a great guy.

He's a great guy. And he's got great supplements down there, whatever you need, call him up, especially if you're triathlon, that shroom tech, the shroom tech fucking sport. I will, I'll hit them up. I'm gonna send them a tweet. Go to audit.com right now and press it.

Church? Bam! And get 10% off your next first motherfucking order. And that's it and that's that. I wanna thank my brother Bert Kreischer for stopping it. I wanna thank the Christ killer. I wanna thank the model of the church, Kishi coming in.

And I love you motherfuckers. I'll see you motherfuckers Thursday morning, Wednesday night, ready to rock, all right? Stay black. I love you. And don't forget about us. Kick that fucking mule, Link. Come back, what do you know about the ease to your door?

You will never disappear. I've seen that road before. It always leads me deep into your door. You have everything right. And you are sure. There's never more love to you. Trying for the dead. Why leave me standing here?

Let me know. How many times I've been alone? How many times I've cried? Anywhere you'll never know. How many ways I've tried? But still leave me back to the Lord. How many more? You left me waiting here.

A long, long time ago. Don't mind the things. Don't leave me standing here. Leave me to your door. But still leave me back to the Lord. You left me standing here. A long, long time ago. Don't keep me waiting here.

Leave me to your door. Don't leave me standing here.