Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #598 - Bret Ernst

Episode Date: July 9, 2018

Bret Ernst, comedian and actor seen in Youtube Red's "Cobra Kai", joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 07/08/2018.

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how we do it. Lee kick this motherfucking mule oh shit Monday July 9th kick this mule Lee kick this mule Lee kick that once he smoke come another fucking speakers it's Sunday I don't give a fuck it's Monday when they start watching this shit okay here we go oh shit church what's happening now the Christ killer my man Brent Ernst and your uncle Joe here you go are you fucking kidding me all right Pete this corner you bad motherfucker

here we go what are you fucking kidding me are you fucking kidding me you like Joey what a fucking bin we took the week off it's the fourth of July we're hanging out with bubbles Gwyneth signing the Declaration of Independence we said fuck it I did Rogan wins that's all you need I want to welcome my brother Brad Ernst I want to welcome fucking Lisa I had who's bubbles Gwyneth bubbles gonna sign the Declaration of Independence like Graba is fucking great great great great great

great great that's a real name yeah bubbles go back Mike Gwyneth Mike you always tell me is a legit I don't fucking do I give a fuck who gives a fuck I don't know. He's a representative fucking North American. I don't know. He was at the Continental Congress. Know your fucking history. I'm sorry.

Bubbles Gwinnett, he's not gonna fucking think that. I hope you had a happy fort. I hope your family's back. Guess what, you're back. And there's the second half of the year and this is what fucking matters. We went through the first half of the year, we're ready for the all-star break.

After the all-star break, the year gets real, bitch. You're a month away from kids going back to school, pencil sharpness, then you got Halloween, then you got a fucking big turkey that's been kicked in the fence for the last fucking year. Because I don't know about you, I like turkey that gets kicked in the fucking head. Oh my god.

And then you got the holidays, then you got Hanukkah, and then you got New Year's, and then you got another year, another year of fucking, and then you get older. So this is it, bitches. We're in the final stretch right now. That is.

The last six months of the fucking year. Fucking Oregon City. So write your goals. It was one fucking 17 on fucking Friday. I got sick Friday. Because at five o'clock, I said, you know what? Let me go outside and shadowbox a little bit. Oh my god.

I'll tell you about that. I was going out to dinner with my wife. And 118 degrees. 118 degrees. I was sitting there bored. They weren't at the house. I was sitting there for an hour and a half. I couldn't take a walk with two.

I was like, let me go out in the yard. Let me get something. Let me get high. And let me just go out there and shadowbox a little bit, get a little vitamin D. I sucked that fucking hot air in. It's like blowing a fucking hot dick. Let me tell you something.

I went back inside. I sat in the couch like an hour dizzy. Every time I got up, I swear to God, I had to go in the shower and put it down to my ice cubes. And just let it hit me. That fucking shadow went in before you did. Oh my God.

It was hotter than a fuck out there. Oh, I finally saw the video you were telling me about that poor girl who got caught on the mountain. What is it with fat people? They want to go to Running Can, you know? The hottest day of the year. Let me tell you what. I can't stand that place.

I can't stand that fucking place. Fucking people doing Tai Chi in the park. It is. It is. Go kill yourself. Let me tell you something. I used to, when I got here, we all got here with different women.

I was just thinking about your girlfriend today, the one that was in the longest yard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's still around, right? Yeah, she's still around. She's still killing. She's still. You talked to her from time to time?

Yeah, well, the family, you know, I've known her my whole life. So my, her parents still talk and everything. Yeah. Okay, wow. Yeah. Like we all moved here with a chick, like, and now we look at that chick and we kind of like them

or we kind of think they're retarded. I moved out here for a chick. You moved out here for her? I was in New York and then I moved out for her, yeah. Oh, did you? Yeah, yeah. Okay, I didn't know that. She was very nice.

Great kid. She was very nice. She was booking a comedy room for a while. Yeah, yeah. It's a boba one years ago. But it's funny that she, you're talking about your girl, the one you came out with. When I came out with a late night,

it's the third day here. She's like, you're not gonna believe it. My friend told me that the place to go was right around the corner because we lived on Hollywood Boulevard, a block away from the brand. So you have to walk up that block to go to Runyon Canyon.

So Runyon Canyon is where you first get here. People are like, you have to go to Runyon Canyon. It's great. And you go up to them when you first walk up there. When I first got here, there was no Tai Chi. There was a bunch of jerk offs doing yoga. And then there was a lunch table. There was two lunch tables.

And every day at 9.30, those tables, there were just two rows of chicks of hot 20 to 27 year old chicks. Yeah, there's a lot of broccoli up there. With fake ticks and hats and the makeup on and they'd bring their sides. That's when you lose me. Sides of the sheets that they give you for an audition.

Are you fucking writing a script? So they would go to this park. So you go up to the hike. Why are you writing a script in a park? They would go up there and these girls would sit there in a circle. And I remember that, the girl. I went, it was one of these girls,

like I was a fucking cokehead. I didn't want to go for a walk, but she was paying a rent. I wanted to eat a pussy. So you got to go for the walk. You know what I'm saying? That's what happens when you fucking, when you're fucking a brookster

and you live with the chicks, you want you to go for a walk and eat a pussy? That's the deal. So I would go to run in a canyon with her. And I remember she was stretching one day, like the jerk off that she was. And I was listening to the table of those girls talking. Not listening, like they were just talking loud.

And that's when Titanic came out. So Leonardo DiCaprio was out every night, me too, and bitches. Clipping everything. Oh, he was cool with Mike Young. Mike Young, Spider-Man 2 dude. You know, when Mike Young was lighting their cigarettes and shit, you know what I'm saying?

Mike Young was rubbing their shoulders. You did great. You know what I'm saying? Like you did great. So fucking, they would sit there and talk about how they all went to Leo's house. And the other table, they were a little older. They were all sucking Jack Nicholson's dick.

So they're talking about, oh my God, we were at tracks last night. And the whole house, the whole house was so interesting. But I think I went up there three times. And it just wasn't for me. And it's not like, you know, like the Chinese dudes doing the Tai Chi. It's like these weird white people doing this shit.

Like the one in San Francisco? You ever get up early? The one in San Francisco. Even the one in New York. It's a bunch of time. Yeah, you see them doing it. I'm talking about just like weird white. Yeah, wannabe.

White kids. Let me tell you that I care about society types. Dude, I had a guy when I worked at the Cheesecake Factory come in and this is just a type of dude. Like he was like a white, you know, the white Asian. Like the white people that take over cult, like they embrace cultures and nothing to do with them. It's got a fucking kimono on, right?

It was just a jerk off guy. And that's how I got written up at work, but real quick. So he comes in, he greets me like, you know, with things like, I'll fucking, I'll smack this jerk off. So we're running the specials. I'm like, yeah, we have an Asian eye. He served in a soy ginger sauce. It comes with Asian vegetables, right?

Hand of God, he got offended that I said Asian vegetables. Like he was just a fucking, like to make me look like a dick. He's like, I'm confused. Like what's an Asian vegetable? Like I'm dead serious. So me being a fucking smart ass, I made a joke. I said, oh, those are the, I got written up for this. I go, those are the vegetables that are better educated

in a working harder and taking the other vegetables jobs. You know, just as a joke. And he went, he went fucking, he was pissed. I offended powder, white guy, he had no pigment in the kimono, dick head. It's, but he's the type of guy that would be doing Tai Chi at the fucking in the park. That running game.

I got written up a couple of times. How long did you work at the cheesecake factory? There's a way that- First job I got when I came out here, I was delivering pizzas. I was working at the cheesecake and I was bouncing at, at a club in, in Third Street Promenade. No. On Wednesday nights.

Yeah. And then I was getting up, trying to do stand up in the meantime. It's a hustle, man. What a fucking hustle. It is such a hustle. I was a grown man delivering pizzas, not even like a fucking college kid. Like I was like 30 in a fucking 97 Ford Escort

You couldn't make fucking left so it would stall out. So I would, like if I had to go here and to make a right and then a right and then a right and then overshoot it and make another right, you know. How shitty is it being in your late 20s and early 30s and being a fucking loser? Cause I was the king of the fucking losers.

I delivered fucking pizzas. In the beginning of comedy, I was just sad, but I didn't care because I knew- Cause we love what we were doing. There was the excitement on it, at least for me. The obvious was being a criminal. And you know, just being where we came from. That was the obvious at that point.

I had already done my time. I had already gotten out. I said, what can I do? I go, let me get into this comedy and then I delivered Chinese food. I sold Coke. I mean, I did a thousand things to make ends meet. Like for me, I committed crimes, but I wasn't a criminal.

And then there's guys that are criminal. Like I talk about it, but- We make mistakes. Well, if people read my shit, like when I go to Canada, they got everything. But when they read my stuff, they're not like going, you know, they're doing like, you did that. You know what I mean?

Like, you told the story about the night you turned yourself in. I was fucking talking. Let me tell you something. You have fucked up my head for the last six weeks since that night I saw you. Yeah, you watched my set. Because it was funny, and I heard you say that

thing before, but for some reason that night it really took me by storm. He has a joke, but he says that, you know, when he grew up that there was always those kids that were always out. Yeah, there's that one kid that was outside all the fucking time. At the age of 16, from 15, even a year before my mother died, to I left, I was always that guy.

You were always outside. And it was me, a girl named Gina, a guy named Mike. There was a dude named John. There had to be eight or nine of us that had no curfew. We had families, because even when my mother was alive, I didn't have a curfew. My curfew was after midnight, I want you to call me every hour on the hour and let me know where you are

and what time you're gonna come home. Or what time you're gonna call me back. That was a pretty cool curfew. I'm like, how old were you? From 14. Really? You were out there then? Yeah, from 14, 12, to 13.

What time are you coming home? Yeah. I mean, that was the question. That was how my mother asked me. I had to sneak out. I would crawl out the window or pretend to be at a friend's house, which everybody did that. But we were outside.

My friend that had no supervision, we'd always just say we're at his house. This kid was always fucking outside. Now, why didn't he have supervision? The parents didn't care. The parents worked. He just was out of control. He was out of control.

Yeah. They had to be... And it wasn't really out of control. No father, no father. That's a commonality, man. Well, that's a commonality, but it really worked the girl. There was a girl I hung with that was always out.

Her mother left when she was 10, just got up and left and kept in touch with the kids. Just told them the truth. I don't want to be a mom. I don't want to be a mom. She moved to Vegas and dug cars. Jesus. So the dad worked nine to fucking nine.

The dad ran a car dealership and her and her brother were out all the time. And I also had a friend who had more money than you and I or whatever fucking see. And his parents, that's it. I had two friends like that. This is the other option to that coin too. I had two friends.

I had one friend that his parents were doctors. Both his mom and his dad. He would just go home to a box filled with money. He would go upstairs, take money and take you out to dinner himself to dinner. So he bought his friends or did you like the kid? I really liked them. We were friends on Facebook though.

He's a science teacher. I mean, his parents ruined him because they sent him to be a doctor to the Dominican Republic. And they kept sending him 10 grand a month. Oh my God. So he was done this, not in coke and smoke and weed. I mean, he's been a pod head.

Like when people say, oh, he's going on this guy's head. Nobody's a big head. This guy was the first guy that took me into the city to get weed. Like he was maybe two years older than me, maybe a year or two, three tops. He's the one that took me to a church in the village to cop.

There was a fucking Catholic church in the village. And on Fridays downstairs in the bingo hall, the priest would look the other way and they'd have my three dealers. You used to come to my neighborhood to cop too, you said, right? No, Pasek. Pasek?

Yeah, yeah. I used to come to Pasek. I used to go, I didn't like the long drive. You don't want to drive with the drugs back in the car. That's the thing. Like, yeah, yeah, there was a Cuban dude in Pasek. I used to go see for coke and shit like that, but that's a 30 minute drive with two in the morning.

You're going right to the Holland Tunnel. Yeah, no, no, in New York, I grew up in North Bergen. So all I had to do was go over to George Washington Bridge and come back on the tunnel. It's a 20 minute ride. It's really a 20 minute ride. It's just a U. All you do is go to the bridge, make a left,

go to 181, cop, and just stay on West Side Highway. You hit the Lincoln. You didn't hit the Washington Heights, though? Yeah, right there, 181. I was in 181. In Audubon? All that, all those, Amsterdam, Audubon. Yeah, you just walked down a neighbor.

You don't have to go two feet. Somebody's going to be like. Oh my God, that neighborhood was right, right? That was, I think to me, I loved that poor authority. Like everybody loves poor authority on 42nd Street, but for my taste, for the authority on 178th Street, they had an OTB. Off track.

Downstairs, that was it. You know what that is? You ever see that? The racing, when you're just like, it's like a 7-Eleven. If you really want to fucking feel good about your life. Oh my God. Going to an off track bed. And you know what, I just thought.

And see the fucking people that hang out there. We should open up a combination of off track bedding and white castle in the Midwest. You know how much money we'd make a combination of white castle, off track bedding. Oh my God. We lost some wild shit over the years of off track bedding. Here's what's crazy, that for a while,

I was going off track bedding. Where it really? Just in the horses? What do you know about horses? Don't you have to know shit about horses? Because I used to, in those days, I would look at the program and I would see, there was a drug that you give to a horse

to stop it from bleeding from the nose. There's a drug that they shoot them with. And every time that the horses, we get shot with that. It makes them run faster. So I would follow the horses that we get shot with. I knew people out in the track. I tell you how, my friend told me how they fixed the Greyhounds. They, the people were, they're so smart.

We finished on the horse story, but don't remind me that. You know, I grew up in the track. I know the track, backhand and forehand. Like before my mom died, I would go to the track. Over the meadowlands. Over the meadowlands. What was it named? The Pegasus?

The Pegasus. My friend, God rest his soul. Vinnie Lynch was the head chef. In fact, Bubbles Gwinnett's brother, Bubbles Gwinnett, having a great, great grandson, and he had a Michael Gwinnett, and his brother was also a chef at the Pegasus. You had to wear a dinner jacket. Yeah, that was like, dude, that was like a hoo-hoo.

Let me tell you something about the meadowlands. Of all the Jersey guys. The meadowlands in 1993 was as crazy as the place as I had ever seen in my life, Lee. Lee, you would have lost your mind. If I would have took you to the meadowlands, how I had it in 93. I mean, from cop and coke to getting your dick sucked,

to smoking weed, to eating that red clam child they had with the fucking hard clams. It tasted like a fucking hard clit. Like if the lady died and she had been stiff for four days, that's how hard the clit was. When you ate those clams at that fucking track, there was a chick that died in the car frozen. I don't want to give her a name, God rest her soul.

We grew up with her, but she got the heaviest later. And she would walk around the track and suck your dick. Like 10 bucks, 15 bucks, 20 bucks. It's so different now. I went to the track with you and your family and they have like kids. Oh yeah, Disappear, Katie. Oh no, that's that.

The Santa Anita is nice too. That's very nice. But even the meadowlands, Lee, honestly, everything's changed. How was the meadowlands? What was the last time you were at the meadowlands? Fuck, I don't even know, man. No, it's great. I think it's got to be 30 years from me.

I can't lie to anybody. I haven't been to a meadowlands race track. Yeah, it's got to be. It's even long, maybe 90. No, no, no. I'm telling you, 93. 93 was the last time you were there. I went like 10.

I was there constantly because I had moved back to do comedy. Well, my mother, my stepfather used to go into 80s, you know, but it's just so different how like, when they were in their 30s and like to what, like I'm dressed in a polo, they would always wear the suits, all the guys, you know, to them it was like the night out to go to the Pegasus.

I couldn't believe how when I was a kid, how men would dress to hang out with other men. In suits. Like they would get jazz up matching socks. Have you seen the old pictures of like, people with baseball games? Like they'd go to Fenway Park in a suit. You wouldn't be caught dead.

You know what was funny too? Like if you call them a pimp or a gangster or something, they would get upset with that. Like now it's a compliment. Even if they were a pimp, you call them that. I'm just saying like, nobody liked that, that generation didn't like that. They didn't, they always tried to appear to have more money.

I remember a friend of mine came out to, this was years ago in Silver Lake, but you know, it's, he was a real mechanic, but people that are blue collar try to dress like they have money and people that have money try to dress like they're fucking blue collar. Does that make sense? Guys in a mechanic shirt

and a kid's worth probably fucking seven figures. Well, that's the- My buddy's, you know, was a real mechanic and he's trying to dress like he had money. But that was always the mentality. See, that was always the mentality I was raised on. Yeah, you don't want to call it- I was raised around people that, no,

I was raised around people that had money. But if you saw them, you'd go, no, no, they played the, the real guys, the real guys didn't need you to know that they had money. But I was more, I'm talking more about like the fake blue collar shit that you see. Yeah. Well, here's a different, listen,

whatever you see here in this city, in this town, you said it best. You said something I've never heard before. You said that. There's people with personality. And there's people with character. This is a town of people with personality. Character is nothing.

You know, character is what you do when nobody's watching. I'm a firm believer in that. Character is what you do. Absolutely. When nobody's watching. You know, I heard a statement 15 years ago that changed my life. It changed my life for cocaine.

It changed my life from being the fucking thief that I was. And it was, don't let your character ruin your destiny. That is the most beautiful words you'll ever hear in your life if you take them the right way. Don't let your character ruin your destiny. When I heard those words, like in 2001, that changed me forever. Because I had so many fucking things that I wanted to do.

And I could not do being the person that I was. There was no way. Did I tell you somebody mailed me a fucking letter and there was a $20 bill. And it's a kind of a $20 bill and I put it on my desk. I don't know if I put it in my wallet or not. I don't know if I passed the $20 bill the last two days to somebody.

Somebody right now, I can't find the fucking $20 bill. I don't know if my wife took it, if my daughter took it, somebody passed the $20 bill. Did you know it was fake or did they? On the letter, it says it. This is for you and Lee, blah, blah, blah. It's a fake 20. I looked, it was beautiful.

Yeah. Remember what the baby powder, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Although you have to fucking wrinkle them up and shake them up. Oh, I was gonna tell you how to fix the dogs. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. They salt lick them before the greyhounds.

What does that mean? They get them thirsty and then they have them drink a shit ton of water before they run. So they told me that, I don't know. Yeah, they want to weigh them down. So they would, like, if there's seven, eight, nine dogs running, they'll salt lick like eight of them. Or like, you know.

That's why, and I would go to the track sometimes and we used to go to High Lion, Florida a lot and go to the greyhounds. But you see a dog just stop and piss sometimes. Now it makes sense. I used to go to High Lion, Connecticut. I never went to the one in Florida. That's crazy.

Well, they just have the thing on the hand, right? Yeah, that's like a fucking pool ball, man. But I used to buy Coke at the High Lion place in Miami. The guy would make me meet him there. Dang it, High Lion. Fuckin' 83, 84. Were you down there? I was down there a lot in 84, back and forth.

You had family down there? Cause you're Cuban? Yes, I had family down there. I have a couple, but my mom wasn't a big Miami chick. No. No, she said that the Cubans in Miami were still crying about what had happened and she didn't have time for that shit.

That she was timed to have a later state. There was no worry about Cuba and all this shit. So that's why she went to Jersey. It was more speed. It was a little faster and whatnot. Yeah, cause that's the, I think, is it Union City? Union City is the second biggest Cuban population. Second biggest, yeah.

I don't know what it is now. I don't know exactly who in Miami. You guys are still there. Are we? No, we're still there, but the blockage is a lot smaller. Dude, we drove, we were driving around. Everything's closed, man. There's not, not even like my mom

went to Holy Rosary Academy. All those places are gone. Holy Rosary Academy is gone. It's gone. In Union City. Yeah. St. Michael's is not gone. There's another Catholic school that's gone too.

St. Michael's, Union City cannot be gone. That's what you're talking about. You have to check it. Yeah. The whole neighborhood changed. Everything's changed. We did a little tour of Jersey City where my mom grew up and my, you know,

my grandparents were from there. But going back to that, that was one of the, I have two friends. I have you and Mike Duffy. That I love you is to death. But because you say that shit, it takes me to a different place. What do you mean?

Like I talked to Mike once every 15 days. Me and Mike were roommates in Colorado back in 83. Mike Duffy, I know Mike Duffy since he joined the Army and fucking went AWOL. You know, that's how long I go back with my father, his uncles, you know. And whenever I talked to him, he goes, you came out pretty good for a kid

that didn't have any supervision. And every time he says it to me, my fucking hair's on my neck, stand up. But he's not lying. No. He's not lying. He's telling you the truth. I, you know what, my mother was alive in 14, 15.

I still remember coming home the last smack in the face she gave me was a week before she died. Because I walked in the door like a five in the morning. I stopped calling it two. And I walked in the five and she was right there and she hit me and she goes, you know, that's not gonna fly. We have a deal. From now on, you have to call every hour on the hour.

And I go, the last time I called, I felt like I was waking you up. She goes, don't wake me up. Wake me up. I don't give a fuck. Wake me up. That's our deal. And she was like, all I want,

the reason why I do this with you, I don't do it the other way, is because I want you to understand that this is what a man does. A man tells his wife what time he's gonna be back home and that a wife doesn't give a fuck if you go out. Just tell her what time you're gonna be home and stick to that commitment.

And you and your wife will be fine. And she like broke it down to me. Like she smacked me at six in the morning. And then at nine, she came in there to talk to me. And this was the spiel she was telling me. She goes, this is what a man does. She goes, I don't give a fuck if you grew up. I need you to stick to that spiel, that rule.

She goes, I wish that. She goes, I hope that even if you shovel shit for a living, I just want you to be the best guy on that fucking job. Be the best shit shovel. Be the best shit shovel. She said it in Spanish, you know? But she said it to me. She goes, what I'm telling you is gonna stay with you

for the rest of your life as a man. To be a man, you have to tell people what time you're gonna be there. And I'll never forget, 10 days later, as I'm calling the ambulance, she's on the floor fucking dead. I'm sitting there thinking, she was saying goodbye to me. She was telling, she was reading me the riot act of 1968.

That was the riot act. That's the riot act that your parents take. How old was your father when he passed? 37. I mean, how old were you? I'm sorry. Three. You were three.

So I was damaged goods once he died. I was just trying to put the pieces together. And once my mother died, I was damaged good. But that broke down the central nervous system, belief system. Yeah. The little Catholic system, I had belief in my head that broke it down

because what God takes away a mother. Yeah. Once you take that belief away from somebody, anything is possible. What you did, I mean, dude, I mean, we've talked about this before, but you know, and just in private conversations, you know? I mean, look, everybody,

you gotta twist yourself up every now and then. But at the same time, you know, you did, man. You came out fucking great. Because you're a good dude. I mean, and I try to explain to people that sometimes, you know, I know it sounds crazily, but sometimes you don't know right for you think, you don't really, like,

I didn't think stealing was wrong for a long time. No, it was part of the science. If I robbed you, I'm a piece of shit. But if I rob like Nordstrom, who fucking cares? Who gives a fuck? Right? You have this weird value system that you create. But as a kid, I mean, but it's with a young mind,

especially if you don't have a father. Like for me, I found that like, you create what you think a man is at a young age, right? And then, and it's stupid shit. A man should be able to fight, fuck a lot of women, getting, you know, be good in sports. And you create this image of what you think it is. And then at about 25, 26,

you start to realize that's not what a man is. And then you spend like the next 15 years trying to break all these fucking bad habits you created for yourself, you know? And like, I was always taught to swing first. Now, it's a practical thing for us. If a guy's wolfing or mouthing off to you, just fucking hit him.

Don't, don't hesitate. Just swing. If you thought about it, you fucked up. That was my mother's rule. Just hit. She'll open satay. I think, I think, I think, I think. You go, you commit.

That's it, you hit him. Or whatever you got on you, you hit him with it. And just, and now, now that's not a practical way to as an adult, you know, but you learn that from other people that, you know, and that just sticks with you. So it's always swing first, fuck it. Just, if we're in, we're in.

If I'm gonna get jumped, take one with you. You know what I mean? And I, but trust me, I'm not trying to be a tough guy. I chalked up many an L. It's like I said in my special, I don't know how many fights I've been in, but I've got about 19 strong losses. Fucking epic, you know?

Punches to the head. But you, but I'm saying there's other ways to handle situations that you don't, and you just think that's the only way to do it. If a guy's running his mouth about you, then you need to confront that because for some unknown reason, your reputation, you know, and then you just think this way, even though,

like I'll be honest with you. Every time I went out with my friends, I was nervous. I was, I used to play cool, but I always had like those butterflies in my stomach because I knew that, you know, if you were with some kids, you know some shit eventually is gonna happen, but you went out anyways when, you know, because these are your friends and this is what you do.

You know what I mean? But you don't make those types of decisions as a young mind. That's what I'm trying to tell you. So you get caught up in shit, but you're still a kid. Like I always say, if I was talking to myself at this age, you know, or if I fucked up or did something and I said to myself at 17, you know, what are you doing? You know, I wouldn't, you view yourself as a kid

with the mind you have now, but that mind is not fully developed, especially if you got all that shit going on. I found an old email. I just turned into Dr. Phil. No, no, this is what the church is about, brother. Lee, are you not lost? No, no, no, no, I'm just listening.

The church is about this. The church is about letting people, because people don't know, you know, I found an old email last week, troublesome email, a friend, a dear friend that one time and life took over, you know, and you know life when you love somebody. You never stop loving them.

There's certain people in your life. And it was, I never stopped loving this guy, but the bridge that was created between us was just a heavy bridge. And if I try to talk to him, I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown at this age. So we keep it very light, but he did send me a troublesome email two years ago

that he heard somebody told him on the podcast that he heard something that I had robbed that he was conclusive now, that he didn't believe it at first, but I had come clean about it on the podcast. And that somebody had called him and reminded him of something. And you know, and I wrote him a thing.

I found this like a couple of nights ago, but I wrote to him back like this two fucking hour, explained to him, you know, my age, at that age of who the person I was. And now I could, it was great. I read it two days later. He's never gotten back to me yet. He still hasn't gotten back to me.

You know, I thought he would read it, but this is how back the pain goes between us because it's 40 fucking years. Well, 40 fucking years. But now here's the other thing, buddy, is that, and the anger is what I realized. I walked around with a lot of anger. Oh, we all do.

But it's a little different when some unnatural shit happens to you that doesn't normal people don't go through. And the thing I found as I've gotten in, you know, older, is you tend to act out, you project it in other ways. Like, even if I'm doing something stupid, it still stems from the fact that I'm hurt. You know, because that's where all that comes from.

Even these people that argue politically, they're all hurt people. Something hurt them. That's why they're this way. Even when I'm fucking screaming at the top of my lungs in my 20s at the comedy store, even, you know, even with my friends sometimes, you develop patterns through like a wounded stage,

if that makes any sense. Does that make sense? It's not. So when you act out on shit, there's so much going through you. Now, with that being said, it's not the other person's responsibility that you may have wronged to understand that.

You know what I mean? Because now you're a cause of something to them, if that makes any sense. Oh, Doug, one of the reasons this is how hot, even at that age, I adored him, but I had to stop being his friend because I wasn't doing him any favors. Right.

Like at that age, at the age of 20. Now, you're not even into adult puberty yet. It was a very painful thing for me to be around him because I had done him wrong. Well, there's this. I knew I did him wrong. He knew I did him wrong. He did know, but he didn't have it known.

And then you came clean that you did do it. No, no, no, no. I knew even at that age, I had done him wrong. He had done a big favor for me. You know, last week was, I was starting to tell Rogan on this podcast that last Saturday was my second family. I lived with the mother's 80th birthday party.

And they had a big thing in Philly, and I couldn't go because I had something Monday morning. I would have had to take a six a.m. flight. Somebody would have had to pick me up in Philly. I want to interrupt you for one second. You know that's not a normal statement. What's that? The second family you live with.

Can you believe this? Right. But I'm saying like as a normal person, when people say that, it's just part of who you are. It's a natural. Right. It's just part of who you are. My mother died.

I moved in with the benders. I stayed with them. But I'm saying that second, the fact that you have to preface the second family that I lived with. 16 months I lived with the benders. Then the week that Reagan got shot, they asked me to leave.

I mean, I was out of control. And I'm not mad at them. And like three months before I was asked to leave, I was hanging out with this kid. We were bumping and he was nuts. I loved him. He was another nut. Drugs, coke, whatever.

We would rob shit. And he came to me like a, I was telling him, like the benders are gonna throw me out any day now. It's just a matter of time. They're gonna throw me out. Now let me ask you this question. When you were doing all that shit, you knew they were gonna throw you out,

but you kept doing it. Was it kind of like a self-destructive thing? Or you just didn't care? Or you just were still acting out? You found what I'm saying? Like if they said to you, look Joey, we're taking you in. You got to act a certain way.

You got to help us help you. And you were just like, fuck it. You were still, was there like a, do you remember the rationale behind it? Or were you just? The rationale behind it was that my mother just died. And in my mind, the back of my head, I couldn't wait to pull a Anthony Bourdain.

That's what I'm saying. I was just waiting for an Anthony Bourdain situation to come up, whether I was gonna pull a gun on somebody that wanna shoot me, whether I was gonna do too many drugs. I was at that point of the, when I was living with them. It was suicide by circumstance almost. Right?

When I was living with them. You ever hear that, by the way? You hear when people do suicide by cops? Absolutely. It was suicide, like I'm gonna do something. I'm gonna go so fucking hard that I'm gonna do this. I don't wanna do it officially,

but I'm gonna do this. I'm self-destructing. I live by energies. I believe in the motions of life. I believe in, I just spoke to somebody and they said that there were the tail end of some stuff, but they understood what was going on. And you have to understand that that time I was,

I was just, I was pure misery. I had brought the misery that was in my house to their house. I could feel the energy I had brought. The same misery that I had at my home before my mother died was now at their home. I could feel what I did. I was causing trouble. You're toxic.

I was toxic. And to top it off, I'm doing drugs. I'm going to high school. I'm getting bees. I got a day job. I mean, you can't believe all this shit. It's not like I'm mugging old people. Yeah, I got you, man.

Beating up 90-year-olds. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I would go to school from 7.30 to one, and then I would take the bus and work from 1.30 to five in a lumber yard. And then I would go to the benders. I would eat dinner with them like a family. We'd talk at seven o'clock.

I'd meet my buddies. We'd get a grandma fucking blow, a couple hits of acid. No, see, no, I wanna ask you another question. A case of fucking nips. So going back to that though, and again, I don't wanna make this about me. I can only relate to what you're saying. No, no, no, no, no, I want you to do this.

This is what we do here. So what happened, as a young kid, and I'm asking you this in a question, did you create a persona? Did you create something that you made you you, that you have just, it's morphed into who you are? Cause there's a big difference. I remember having a very dear friend of mine

who was always into something. There was like a five, six year period where, you know, he got into some heavy shit. And then afterwards we were talking and he's evolved and he's grown and, ugh. I'm in that five to six year period right now. His eyes are long as kid. So, and I said to him, he's like,

I can't believe I used to, I was that way. And I'm like, no, this, who you are now is who you always were. You created that. That was not you, but it's become a part of you. Now for me, I always embarrassed, I was never embarrassed, but I always tried to play tougher than I was, even though I was a scrappy kid, you know what I mean?

Not that I was embarrassed that I was smart, but I just always tried to downplay things. And not that I'm the smartest kind of, I'm just singing, I hid my intelligence, but some of the guys that was around, it wasn't hard to not be smarter than some of them, you know, and my interest in writing and my interest in performing.

But I held on to that persona because it was almost like a safety thing. Does that make any sense? So then you start, you start wilding out because that becomes this guy. I'm not trying to break it down, I'm just curious. Do you understand, did you create, were you always, was this always you or did those events create somebody?

And I know that they- Those events created somebody. They created somebody. I was a very decent kid, I was very Catholic. Okay. I went to confession every week. I would steal quarters from my mother's bar and it would drive me fucking crazy.

Like the roll of quarters, like I would take like four quarters from that. And I would confess that it would drive me fucking crazy. But let's just say after- I was by the book. Okay, so after this event, you were already wilding out a little bit. No, I was by the book.

Until after your mom died. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's what I'm asking. I was by the book until I was about 13. Okay. And then I always grew up around drugs. Right. Yeah, it was around me too.

Coke, all that shit. You know, pills. Subtle lead up. It was around, very suddenly. It wasn't for me. Wasn't for me. Alcohol wasn't for me because my mother had a bar. So none of that shit was for me.

And then one day I just said, let me try this weed. I liked how it smelled. And it was like a secret. It was like a big secret. I had my weed friends and I had my geek friends. My geek friends would call me, hey, you want to geek out and go to Honda and look at karate uniforms today?

No, I'm going to go to Brett's and build a model. We're going to Brett's to get high. Listen to Led's up with this. Brett's father's going to go to Atlantic City on the bus. I'm going to bus 15 to get on. Then they give you 15 and quarters when you get there, but your dad has to stay there all day. So that means we got the house till six

and he can't come home early. If he loses all his money, you say, I got to stay there until the six o'clock bus. So, you know, I was that kid, I was always working out. Well, I was just asking because then there's the guy that we always, I go back to too, which I talk about in my act in the principal's office,

which I'm past that, but sometimes I find myself going back to the guy I was in my twenties and thirties because I find the humor in that, how fucking stupid I was sometimes or dumb shit I did as a kid, you know? But then I asked myself, did I create that guy? Not that I'm pretending to be that guy because I'm-

Once I became that guy, though, Brad. That thing, you owned it. Once I became that guy at 18, by 18, those two years without my mother told me one thing, that I was not a tough guy. By no means was I a tough guy. I was crazy. If we had a scrap and a gun fell from your waist

and I picked it up, I'll blow your fucking head off because I was ready to die because I missed my mother, the pain. That's what it is. The pain and the whole is too much. By the time 18 came, fuck the world. Fuck the world, bro. I hung out with dudes that, you know what, Brad?

That picture's yours. It's a nice picture, but guess what, Brad? It's fucking mine now. You had a friend that would do it. He'd walk in and be like, this is mine. And guess what? What are you gonna do about it? What the fuck are you doing?

I'm not that person. But if you gave me resistance, I became that person. And behind me, you had three motherfuckers and you had to deal with this. So you said something to me. Well, again, the question I was asking. That scares me. That Joe Ideas scares me.

And that's always there. But that Joe Ideas, see, the guy that I talked about on my special, I created at six or seven, if that makes any sense. No, at six or seven. At 10. I believed in nuns. I believed in God.

I believed in Santeria. I believed in society. Because you're first, even though, all right. So even though your father died at three. I believed in the flag. I believed in the United States of America. He's still though. I believed, my mother, my mother was raising me

to pay a lot of the hesito. Cuban moms raised their sons at that time, pay a lot of the hesito. You know what the hesito is? The surface. That's how much she loved this country, even though she sold gold and numbers and fuck them. Did heroin and all that shit.

She believed in this country and so did I. Okay, but then let me tell you what happens. So now my mother dies. I go to get Social Security. I can't get it. Because my father's death certificate was never signed. Really? It was like a thousand things.

So that love I had for the country, I found that it was all bureaucracy. That's a child. That's a 16 year old child. Who gives a fuck with the paperwork, ain't it? Miss fucking money. So there's a piece of paper. He needs money.

What is he gonna do? If he doesn't have this money, he's gonna do something. Now again, do you want me to look you in the eye and tell you I had to do something to get money? No, I don't. I coulda got a job. I coulda got a thousand jobs. I opted to rob drug dealers.

I opted to become that person at the end of your saying. Yeah, no, I was a creature. Why I was a victim of my environment. Am I saying I was a victim? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I get exactly what you're saying. And then I got harder and harder and harder. See, now in my professional opinion,

I would say that if the drugs weren't involved, you coulda had a clear ahead. Please. Yeah. But if the pain wasn't involved. Then the drugs wouldn't have been. I wouldn't have had a clear ahead. Because that pain, after you said that that night on stage

and when Mike last Saturday, when I called Mike to tell his mother a happy birthday, and I thought to myself, when I watched The Godfather, the best scene of The Godfather for me, bro, since the day I watched it in the movies. Cause I saw The Godfather in a movie theater at the cinema theater.

All right. And then I bought the book. You could get the book and I bought the book and they had the picture of the car blown up in the book and all that shit, you know, at the Sicily. But the thing that stuck out the most to me. Mom, they told us they went. Yeah, mom, they told us they went.

And the thing that stuck out the most to me about The Godfather was that, you know, if he's your brother, how can you have a different name? And he goes, my brother's son, he found him one day and brought him home and you're sitting there going, what the fuck is he talking about? I'll never forget that going home. And like five days after that movie, I saw it.

Like having dinner with my mom and some of her friends and go, mom, can I talk to you about something? What if I went out one day and I met a kid that didn't have a mom and dad? Can I bring him home? And she goes, yeah. So dog, I was in a search looking for a homeless kid because I wanted a brother.

My mother couldn't have any other kids. I was already 12 or 10 or 11. So for like two years, I would ask like, kids, are you happy at your house? I got air conditioning, I got HBO. You're trying to steal them away? It was hysterical. I was like a college recruiter, dog.

You happy with your mother? You let her talk to you that way? At my house, we got no curfew. You understand me? You know what you gotta do is call her and yeah. And fried bananas and Malta. You get a little like this all the time. Strong coffee.

Oh my God, my mom had the bar. So the first four tears of my refrigerator were fucking sodas. And I'm not talking about bars, I'm talking about Coke, seven up. Remember that Czech cola shit? We used to put that in a hot dog truck, the Czech soda. They used to have, at the bar,

my mom used to have real soda, but she goes, there's some people don't give a fuck. So she would get the cases of bottles, 32 ounce bottles. And they would be like, live and up with seven up. Yeah, they were all, and they were delicious. They were great. But Czech was from food town. Was Czech soda, was a generic brand?

I was a kid, I used to get orange soda and I'd get vanilla wafers. Oh my God. And dip them in the orange soda. But when you were looking for that kid, you didn't realize one day you were gonna be that kid. Can you fucking believe that? Right.

So for two years, I almost had Michael Olson moving. Michael Olson. Had him convinced. He had been smoking cigarettes since he was seven. Listen to me. Why? I don't know, I don't know why. I don't ask questions.

I just know he needed help because he had never gone to the dentist. So when his teeth came out when he was six, he started smoking right over him. And his cavities were so bad. He's on Facebook now and grinning, like fucking Liberace. Fresh teeth?

Yeah, he got those fresh teeth. Caps. And bro, his cavities were so bad that he could put a cigarette in his front tooth. And it was, the tooth was here. Doug, the cavity was up here and he could put the cigarette in the hole. That's how bad his teeth were.

His breath from six feet away smelled like a dead fucking body. It wasn't stuck. And I used to look at him and go, you know what, this kid just needs a house. This kid just needs a little supervision. Dude, you know what? Why'd he gotta pick the hardest one?

Because all he needed was a toothbrush. But they gotta sleep next to this fucking kid. He's breathing on it. No, I had an attic. I had an attic. I was gonna put him in the attic. I had an attic that was finished. I had an air conditioner.

Shut the fuck up there. I'd send him up to the attic like Boris. Did you take any of them on tours? Like, here's the house. Oh, I would bring them all when they eat. I'd say, you know what? Shut the fuck up up there. I had a great living room.

That's my brother. He's up in the attic. He's got the worst teeth you've ever seen. I had a great living room. I had everything. I had a perfect house for a kid. I had my own bedroom. I had a garage.

Yeah. I had another bedroom down there if they wanted to move in down there. I had like nine bedrooms in that fucking house. I'm giving that terrace. And it's weird that I became that kid. And then Italians opened that door to me. Yeah.

But I still say to myself, you imagine, I'm like, so I got thrown out. Well, let me ask you this question. Imagine you see a kid now going through what you're going through as a 55 year old man and not even having to go through that so that there's no relation. There's no where you can empathize.

You just see a kid fucking 14 years old or 15, no parents bouncing around from couch to couch or whatever, right? Now imagine that that's now imagine looking at that kid and seeing the anger and seeing the sadness and all that shit. If you've already come to terms with shit you've done in the past, then that's even better.

But if you haven't, I'm not saying you have or haven't. Now that's that kid that did all that. And as a 55 year old man, if you're sitting there with a 14 year old kid and you found out or even 18, you found that all this shit that he did, and you're going to look at him, you're not going to be like, this is a rotten kid.

You're going to be like, you know, let me talk to him. Let me help this person. Let me talk to him. So when you have that, the only reason why I'm saying that, when you have that inner dialogue. First of all, I see that anger. Yeah.

First of all, you can't beat that anger. The anger has to wear off on its own. The anger cannot be. That's why low testosterone is the greatest thing ever. Yeah, no, but. Orney Adams has a great bit about that. But an 18 year old, angry kid. Yeah, I can't.

That's the most dangerous person on the world. He thinks that he doesn't, he can't see past his nose. Take a mother from him, a father. Yeah, of course. All the stops calling, all those little situations, destroys an 18 year old boy or a female, destroys. That's a fucking movie. And the anger.

So when I talk to a child, I have to rate the anger. Love will always be that. I will fucking tell you that from, I know it. Love is like a, if you want me to tell you a joke, it's like a finger in the ass. Love is like that. If I, if I wanted to look at your heart and I had to put a tube through your ass with a camera,

that took an hour and an inch. A colonoscopy? Yeah, it's like a colonoscopy. Love takes a long time to overcome anger, but it overcomes that. Well, the other thing is that when you talk to a young kid and this is some of the stuff when I was young, when I was in my late twenties,

that I was working with kids a lot is that, that was very therapeutic for me. Even the stuff, or is it cathartic? Anyways, even the stuff that me and Steve and we do with the children's hospital and stuff, it helps. I don't know, man. I realized one day, and this was just a revelation I had.

Whenever I was getting angry with myself, I was depressed and trust me, there's a lot of that shit that I was going through. This career, this career that we go through, fucking eats away at you a lot. It could kill you. And then we add some shit to it that angers us. So it's a lot, it's, you know.

But what I was gonna say is whenever I was feeling a certain way, I'd go out and twist myself up. I'd be like, I'm fucking angry. I'm gonna go get drunk. I'm gonna go do something stupid. Then it dawned on me, why is that my fucking reaction? Why don't I go the other way? Right?

When I'm feeling depressed or angry, I just go out and say, fucking, I'm gonna go buy two large pizzas and go down the promenade and hand out slices to homeless people, right? I don't wanna sound like a fucking saint. It was just a reversal of thought. Why was every time I was feeling a certain way,

my behavior would be just destructive to me? I wouldn't never hurt another soul. It was just destructive to me. Whereas on the flip side, if I said to myself, well, then let me take that anger and do something good with it. And then I just, it was through a lot of that stuff I started calming down.

How do you get to let the people listening to this because how old were you when you got this clarity piece? Okay, let me tell you what I had. I had a 27 year old daughter that doesn't talk to me. We don't talk, I've come to peace with it. I've come to terms with it. But at that time, when I was 32, this is 95, 94, I was 31 and 32.

This was eating alive at me. Of course. So I would get her on Wednesdays and Sundays. And the mother would, you know, instead of, she could have been cool, but she would just throw salt in the wound. You know, she knew I was fighting for my life and she would pull up with the boyfriend

and the Range Rover and, you know, they were going to dinner at Spargos. I don't know, I'm just making her run. Yeah, I got you. And I remember walking that kid to that car and kissing her and the kid would hug me and tell me she loved me. And I'd look at the both of them

because they were trying to cut my legs off, you know? They were trying to take this kid from me. And every time I'd bend over and kiss this kid and straighten up and look at the both of them, you and I both know, I wanted just to go on the trunk, pull out the fucking gun and shoot him both on the spot. But I would force myself to go in the car. I would cry like a man, 32-year-old man, crying.

Not in wrong with that. I mean, bawling, tears coming out of my eyes. I would open up the ashtray. There was a joint rope. I'd get myself together. I'd wipe my eyes. I'd fucking smoke the joint and I'd get in the car and I'd force myself to do comedy

at a country Western bar every Wednesday. You have no idea what that was like, guys. You have no idea what that was like to force yourself from that yin to that yang. Did you ever do well when you were that sad? Yes. Really? Yes.

That's what I thought. Well, the night my brother died, I went up. No way. I didn't even talk about it. I just went up. And I just said, all right, I gotta do it, you know? But it was, I don't even remember the set. I don't even care.

But, you know, you work through it. There's the one thing, this is the one thing I tell people, you never get over it, you just get through it. You work through it, you never get over it. It's always in the back of your head. But the one thing, the one blessing I had was, and it's not really a blessing. I associated marijuana.

I know it's stupid now because my dad smoked a lot. I thought it was the reason why he killed himself. So I never smoked it, because I thought I'd go crazy. And I always associated drugs. We're crazy. We're craziness. No, that's a good way to get yourself off it. Yeah, but I meant now that I'm older,

I see that weed is nothing. But as a young kid, and plus I grew up with some, you know, a lot of the Italian guys, there was a no-no. You know? I mean, I remember, you know. I was like, why are you retired? Well, I say to you, if you're in jail, if you rob a bank, even if you murder somebody, I'll come get you.

If I find out you're dealing with drugs, you're gonna fucking rot. It was just a big thing. So another reason why I never had tattoos. Me neither, I'm not a tattoo. No. I was Tony Bennett, Texas. I don't just sit there.

I like Tony Bennett's quote, don't disrespect your talent. Never. As I said, I was disrespecting the talent. Tony Bennett's great. That's why every Monday at halftime, I play Tony Bennett. I wanna be around

to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks. Is it, is this the pressing, this time casting now, that we're talking about? No, it's not. This is what, it's about, let me know Tony Bennett. Anybody can come, listen, anybody can come on here and be funny.

Yeah. But these are the conversations we have in the back end. Yeah, anybody can come on here and be funny and we can be cute and we can be high and giggle. I have those podcasts. Tonight, I wanted to see you. I wanted to talk about that joke. I gotta say something too, which I love,

is that people know, and this is why I love the internet, is because the internet is allowing, the people that are blowing up through the internet are the right people. And a lot of people don't know, like with you or even Tripoli, I mean, I did one of his podcasts,

we were arguing, but we're brothers. We're brothers. We're 21 years together. It's like being in the army. Right. Only a different shotgun. And we've always been there for each other, even worse, bad talking.

We could be like, I was talking about when you tell me I'll be home when you're supposed to. I would be at the commie store, set ended at midnight, and next thing I know is 3.30. We're in the fucking parking lot. Talking about samurai.

Yeah. Let me do some shout out. Yeah, go ahead, go ahead. Let me grab a one. First and foremost, Bob Lillingis, I'll give you a call this week. Thank you for the box. My daughter fucking loves the kitty.

Lee said you sent them a yardstick. I really appreciate it. And the fucking Bruce Lee book. I love you, Bob. I love you, your dad. You are a true church family, like in Sky Cunningham and the rest of years. Sergio Tega, I got fucking out of the album.

Thank you. Ian Jones, Chris Dingler. Uki Spooky, I miss you, bitch. Carmen Colosimo, Mateo Oliveris, Nicky Santos, Collin O'Sullivan, my girl Debra Hubsa. I love you, motherfucker, it's all in my heart. Listen, as you know,

the South Point is sold out this weekend. And guess what? Wise guys in two weeks is sold out. Let me talk to them. Let me talk to them and see if we're gonna add a Thursday night, maybe a little fucking woman show. You could show up with your third wife,

you know what I'm saying? What's up? No, dawg, we were a family. We vouched for another, you know, when I did not know you were in Cobra Guy. Oh yeah. I did not know. And I was so happy

because finally the good guys won. Like... Well, thank you. People have no idea that we know, like when Willy Bar Center came on here, he still remembers going to pick up Chris Tucker when he lived in the studio on a towel. Yeah.

You know when he lived on a towel. It's a kinship we have. And it's a kinship for some people. For some of us, some comics come up here, bro, and they get a jealousy bug, and they get an anger bug, and they get popular, and they want what they got,

not to be taken away. In my world, brother, we spread the love. Yeah, and if you're doing it right, you're only competing against yourself. Like, I don't know why people think that there's a limited number of chairs at the table. The table's fucking infinite. It's infinite.

Whatever you bring, you bring. And if you're doing it right, it takes long. If you're doing it right, you know, one of the worst things that can happen to you is if you pop too early, I think. That's so hard to hear, because I just started. Like, that's like, and I know it's probably,

and then I know it's definitely true, but when, I don't know, there's been such a dream sold, especially, like, I never thought I'd try to be like an actual, like, entertainer, entertainer. I thought I was always gonna be behind the camera. What do you mean as a dream sold? Like, being a movie star,

being Justin Bieber, being discovered at 13, and being a Millie. But I'm saying, is that your perception, or is that there's somebody tell you that's how it happens? I mean, yeah, it's probably my perception. I mean, I never, because I've never taken one acting class,

never thought I'd do anything like this. But you kind of want, and it, it's not. You had a good set, by the way. Thank you. And we're at the dojo. I appreciate it. I've been working on it, but I'm also, like, I wouldn't want, like,

I keep thinking about Charlie Murphy, and how he had to headline when he had like 15 minutes. Yeah. And like. Or he don't headline. No, no, no, no, I'm not gonna headline, but it's just like, I can't be imagined being put in that position.

You're not, don't worry about it. That's true. I shouldn't stop worrying about stuff. Don't worry about nothing. But just, we're about, we'll do your job. He said something before about something. I looked at him like, oh, what are you wearing? I know this is why you need to smoke more dope

and stop thinking. Do you have anxiety? Oh yeah. Then you live in the future. Yeah. I have depression. I live in the past. I have both.

I live in both. Yeah. I get depressed when I think about my past. I don't get depressed. I get, I miss parts of it. I missed. Your? I missed the kinship.

I missed the camaraderie. I missed a different type of laughter. You missed the Puerto Ricans. I missed the. I missed doing the barbecue. You had me fucking dying. Listen, listen, and like Renee and Costion, he's my brother, he's a Puerto Rican dude.

But he knows, in the 70s, 60s, and 80s in New York, if you lived in shitty neighborhoods in New York City, you know, and you was Puerto Rican, Dominican, black, white, you know, if you were Irish and you got 13 brothers and sisters and you lived in a two bedroom, you ain't living too good. So the big thing would be to go to the Hudson River to cool off when I was a kid.

So when I was like 13 on the weekends, you'd see a rise like in blacks, Puerto Ricans, but it was hysterical because they'd pull up, like they were going like to fucking, you know, it's weird. It was an education, listen, my mother had money when I was growing up, and I didn't like it. We lived on 205 West 88th Street, but I hung out at my godmother's at 145th and Broadway,

and those motherfuckers slept 18 to a room. They had roaches, they shared one sandwich between eight kids, but they taught me how to shake down the olders. They were young, they taught me how to sweep and take garbage out. When I was around them, I wouldn't tell them that I had a TV and HBO and that I had my own fucking air conditioner in my room.

I wouldn't even talk about that stuff. I'd wear the sneakers they wore and the whole thing just to experience what they were going through. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't even know what the purpose of this thing is, but I still remember those kids saying to me like, what are you doing this weekend? My uncle Vinny's gonna borrow a car from Charlie

and we're gonna go over to Jersey to the Hudson River and swim, it's all big day. And I remember going, wait a second, I've been to Hudson River. There ain't no big fucking day. There's lounge lizards, and I don't know if we can go down. Hold on, hold on, hold on. One time when I went down there with a kid,

they Mike Ascolis and this other kid that went fishing. Oh, the Lopez brothers. The Lopez brothers had a mom who was dying from cancer and she would get strong pills, F-66s. They don't even make them no more. They were stronger than OxyCons. And she would get like 60 of them a month and the mother's like, I wanna die anyway, sell them.

So they would sell those pills for like 20 bucks and you would get fucked up. I forget what they were called. But the brothers were crazy. These two brothers only went down there one day to Hudson River and we were fishing. I didn't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. They gave me a paul and I just fished.

I was just happy they invited me. We were drinking some beers, we're smoking pot. One of them caught an eel. What? One of the white dudes caught an eel and Doug, he thought he caught like a lobster. Oh, fucking, if he was Italian, that's going in the tub. Doug, he thought it was a lobster.

Cut it up for Christmas-y, a lobster. He thought it was a lobster. He cut it up and put it on the grill. Like nothing, he's eating his Hudson grill. Oh, there's no way you're supposed to eat eel from the- Doug, he ate the fucking heart right in front of us. He's like, I eat these things all the time.

He's over there burping by himself and shit. But wow, it's- Doug, he would eat those eels, everything. Whenever he would catch, I mean, he was catching fishes with one eye. You know what was in the Hudson in 1970? Do you have any idea what's in that thing in that fucking Hudson River?

I tell people this all the time. The New York in the 70s, America. Filthy. It was 10, a thousand times worse than it is now. Filthy, New York City was filthy. Which also is why I'm always defending millennials. I mean, granted, they're a little soft, but at the same time, I mean, dude, it was,

we were, my generation hasn't done shit. I mean, and the baby boomers is like, come on. What are you on your third fucking marriage? You know, thanks for cocaine and AIDS. What's a baby boomer, me? I was like, no. Like 10 years, 20 years old. You're a tweener.

You're between me and my parents' generation. So you're a tweener, because you're not old enough to be my father. Well, I got a discounted Denny's. You better lighten up with that shit. I'm getting my discounted Denny's. I got the Denny's discounted. So you're like in between a baby boomer and generation X,

and then there's that in between X and Y, but like every generation after World War II. I think that's what it was. World War II was baby boomers. They came home and they had babies. Yeah, they had babies, they had babies. How old would your mother be today? Because that'll tell you.

Your mom might've been a baby boomer. I think no, I think she's a little older than that. Fuck, my mom would've been 88 probably. Oh, okay. So she's in between World War II and Korea generation. It's crazy, right? 1925. Where the fuck does time go, John?

We were saying when I met you, you were in your early 40s. Right? Yeah, the younger than that. Bro, listen, when I was born, I was 31. That's like fucking late. Like I went from being 15 to being 19. It's so weird. Like there's no pictures of me,

but I remember being like 16 and all of a sudden when my mother died, like aging five years. Of course. Because I remember going to my godmother's house, she going, you didn't have this two years ago. What happened to you? You used to be such a nice looking little young boy.

Like I went from being 16 to 30. See, I remember there's a picture you posted when you were dancing, your little kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, little kid. And that's that spirit. And the bad shit happens to you, but that thing is it always comes out. My mom used to say that about me.

She goes, you got in trouble, but you weren't a bad kid. Which, you know, every mom would say that, but I was always, there's things that happen to you that kind of fuck you up a little and you get sad all the time. I remember being sad, but then there was always that playful kid that would come out.

But see, I moved 15 times, man. I went to 15 different fucking schools. So I was always trying to make friends. Like I was always a new kid. It would always start the same. You're in front of the class. You see the kids, they try you out on the playground. You're gonna have to throw hands maybe the first two weeks

then everybody becomes your friend. And the next thing you know, we had to move again. So I was back and forth from Jersey to Florida. Even in West Virginia, we lived for a minute, you know? And it just, and then the other thing too is like, the shit that I remember, I mean, it just comes up when you get older and you go, how the fuck?

How is that normal? You ever think of something from your childhood and you wanna really think about it, but you know, it's gonna take you to a dark place and you know, you know. Well, my father, when he got arrested in front of me. Yeah, I'm not gonna fucking even think about it. Well, I remember he went to the basement

and this is the thing I had and he was hiding in the basement and the cops came and my godfather came and then, you know, they're like, don't put handcuffs on them. And I just, and I remember it. But I didn't remember it as a kid. I remember it when I, I'll tell you something when I started getting real fucking.

I started writing a book and writing this book was the worst fucking thing I could have done. Horrible. I am going through it right now. I stopped. For two weeks, I almost killed people. I almost killed people.

I stopped and I go, you know what? Cause there's no fucking happy ending yet. I don't write off to the sunset, you know? And on top of that, I don't need to remember all this shit. And that's when I decided to stop looking in the fucking rear of you, man. I want to write the book for one purpose. That really bothers me.

That really bothers me. I was telling Lee today, the reason why I want to write this book, the reason why I haven't given up is because I really want people to know where I was mentally. Every once in a while, I remember and it scares the shit out of me. Well, the church is that vehicle too though for you, right?

Well, I want people to know that you could be at one place mentally and end up in a different place. Life changes on a fucking dime. On a dime. And the other thing- But you have to work on it. Yes, you have to work on it.

You can't sit around and work. I worked on this. You gotta work on it. I worked on not being jealous. I worked on not letting my Cuban machismo get in the way. I worked on working on, hey, don't disrespect. Who the fuck are you to call me that?

I had to work on those things. I really had to work on those things. You have to think about how many times, like we had this conversation one time, Leigh and I. You have to go home on time and write down what it takes to be better every day. The patience. The level.

To have self understanding, everybody has blind spots and to really assess yourself honestly and either take 50% accountability or 100% to where you're at. And with that being said, you look at, you just, when you assess yourself honestly

and the thing, like you need to know, like I needed help. I did not ask for help. I was always, I just did not do it. I thought it was weak. You've been needing help, but you don't want help. I fucking am. That's the worst.

When you need help and you don't want it. Dude, it's horrible. It's fucking horrible. I got myself in a fucking hole. Horrible, horrible. A bad hole. And I just never told anybody and I just had to get out of it

and I tried to figure out a way and it just got overwhelming that I had to pull somebody. I've only talked to two people my whole life and I pulled him aside and I said, this is where I'm at. He would have, he almost smacked me for not coming to him 10 years ago, you know?

And five years ago. But the point is, is that when you assess that stuff, here's something somebody said to me that always stuck with me. A good friend of mine is Kid Darrell Lamontra. He was a comic for a while, but he's just brilliant. Somebody, they're still shooting off fireworks. He said, destiny is persistent.

And that always stuck with me. And then I came up with this right or wrong decisions. And I always said, there's not right decisions. There's just, there's not right or wrong. There's right and long. So taking that thing to destiny is persistent. Say if I'm supposed to be here and I make a left, it may take me off my course,

but then destiny will correct itself, right? And it'll put you back where you're supposed to be. It may be a longer fucking route, but eventually like I'm supposed to be here, even if I did something fucked up. And then that's why I'd stop taking, putting so much emphasis on the decisions, you know? As long as my heart's in the right place

and I'm trying to do the right thing. And if the decision doesn't go that way, then it doesn't go that way. But if it takes me off my course, then eventually it'll fix itself, if that makes any sense. The comedy journey, in a way that's how we... It's fucking long. It's not even about the stage journey.

It's about your own mental journey. I mean, you, I know you as a young man, you've grown up to be a man. You mean my 20s? You've grown up to be a man. You're responsible, you're responsible, you're in this game. You know, you figured it out. I can't, none of these fucking people

can blow smoke up your ass now. You're on a course now that only you could get off of. But you have what I have, okay? And what that is, is that there's people in this business that just take the business home with them, okay? We gotta take everything and the fucking business. We gotta sit there and start replaying shit that happened fucking 20 years ago

that you can't fucking shake. You gotta sit there and fucking, you have all these things that are going on and then you gotta deal with this. And you just, it just fucking, it's a lot, man. The business alone, people can't handle. See, I want you, I think six years, Lee, okay? Well, you're in a different situation,

but I moved out here like you. I didn't fucking know anybody. Well, I moved out for my girl at the time. But I meant, I didn't know anybody in comedy or nothing. Get a job, I work, I work. Now those six years, the odds are against you when you first start, because people quit, they go home.

But once you get past a certain point, now you start playing the odds, right? Once you beat the odds and you're in it, now you're in it, you're committed, okay? Every year after that, the odds start coming in your favor because you start playing them. Whether it's 20 years, 21 years, I mean, dude, not, it doesn't matter,

but there were times you called me fucking five years ago. Brett, I need this, you can't help me with this. Apps to fucking Lutely. And then I'm gonna call you now, you know what I mean? But now you've, you hung in, you're done, you're there. I can't believe I wake up. You're fucking there. I still remember going, I'm never moving to LA.

I was that guy that I was not gonna move to LA. I'll stay in Seattle, I'll do that line up. But the scenes were different then. Back then, the scenes were different. You could develop more and it was more comedy driven, but you had to be here in New York in order to be somewhere. Now it's just the opposite. Those scenes are kind of fucking played out,

but you can be anywhere now, especially that you're established, because you put your time in. The internet is the greatest. This is the best time to be an artist, I think. That's why I gave my special away for free. I put it out there for free. You wanna give me fucking Mickey Mouse dollars?

Because we, I think we had a similar situation in the beginning. And I just said, fuck it. Well, listen. By the way, go to brettcomedy.com. You can watch it for free. Let me tell you something. It's funny how, and-

I don't need permission to exist. Lee, you'll see this. And this could, there are so many obstacles. Oh yeah. There's personal obstacles, and there's obstacles you can't control. Then there's the obstacles of people that when you go to an open mic or you do a show,

they'll purposely not follow you because they can't. They can't. They'll come up with excuses while they have to leave and they have to go up early. And these are the people that they give them shows to and all the money to. People who don't even know how to put the microphone

in the stand correctly. You'll see this. And that's a different form of abuse. That's the abuse of why ain't I getting what he's getting. These are all, and then one day you stop thinking that way. These are all self-inflicted type beatings that we- Here's a question I have for you. Okay.

Did the way, this has helped me. So again, I don't know if this is superfluous or not, but you, the way I came, I never had anything. So I didn't fucking care. You know, me neither. Like if you had more than me, everybody had more than me. I don't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck.

So, and that was my question. So that I think, because there's also a burden from coming from something. Like if you had parents that have expectations and you got a fucking, you have this time clock where if I don't do this by this, they're gonna judge me. I was very fortunate. I didn't have that.

I just had a mom that loved me and said, Brett, do whatever the fuck you wanna do and be the best at what you do, right? But there is that those kids that come here that have that, that come from something that can't handle if somebody has more than them or they feel that they're being judged or that, you know, they have that pressure.

Brett, how many people are we seeing? Then there are those bitch-ass fucking dudes that just, that's in their nature. Oh, a shit ton. Ah, come on go. A shit ton. And how many more, and listen to how scary this question is. How many of these guys left

and you know I had more talent than you did that were more naturally talented? I seen more people leave that had more natural talent than I have in my fucking, and they ran out of here. Natural talent, good looks, they could sing, they could do something that I couldn't fucking do, voices, something, something.

But if you asked me eight years ago who my top five or top 10 were, I would say right now, America knows who they are now. And it has no help by the end, with the exception of Leslie Jones. I remember watching Leslie in the back where like she got on Saturday Night Live. Well, I guess Rogan too.

Rogan was already kind of known. But like Sebastian, you, fucking Theo. Theo's starting to get, starting to blow up. The internet knows who he is now. You know, Bill Burr was always my number one. You guys were my top five. But we had the older brother thing too, for you, you know. And even with Joe.

Bill Burr made me laugh for a year. Bill Burr's fucking phenomenal. Bill Burr makes me laugh for a year. You know what's great about Burr? Is that he's the perfect combination of writing and you know who he is. It's like a perfect storm. But there was a night the other night at the comedy store.

I had to go on earlier. It's just like months ago. I think Argus opened and then it was like spade. And then he brought up Rogan. No, no, Rogan brought you up. It went Burr, me, Rogan, and then you. And the place was sold out. And I just remember watching your fucking set

when you said you ate a pussy as a homage to your mom. As a homage to your mom. Yeah, cause your mom told you gotta eat the chocha. Gotta eat the chocha. And we were in the back and the place was packed. And it was like a fucking, I saw, everybody said, obviously, but my own. So I stepped back.

I watched, some of Joe's went out of the room, came back. It was like a fucking concert. It was like hard. Nobody left. And it was just like, and I'm like, this is standup. It's not a notebook on the stage with your fucking thoughts. It's not a PSA. It's not looking for the clapper.

It was just raw, real, unopinionated. I mean, opinionated, unapologetic. And it was just, and I remember sitting in the back with the door guys and just sitting there going. And you feel inspired. That's what good comedy does. Like if you're, you don't look at somebody go, I gotta be better than them.

It's, they make me wanna be better. Does that make any sense? Yes, no, it does, it does. I love getting high and going to the store and sitting in the back and watching five, six comics in a row and not getting up. I hate when somebody says next to me, I gotta talk to them.

I fucking hate it. I love sitting in the dark and letting your body just crinkle and you got that water and you're just watching and you're giggling and you're watching you and Ally Wong and Ron White or Delia. And then it's like a roll. It's like a six comic roll. I got enough to sit through six.

I'm not gonna let nobody, which is an hour. That's an hour. I don't watch people specials. I gotta be honest with you. No, no, no, no. I wanna watch it live. I wanna watch it live. I watch everybody before me

and then somebody who follow me or like, if you're on Holtzman, I'll run in. Sebastian, I watch, but he's my best friend. So we hang out. I always watch him. I always watch him on Tuesday nights and see what the fuck he's working on. But getting back to you, okay?

So you gotta ask yourself, what are you trying to say? And you're not really gonna figure that out yet. Not four years in. I'm only six months in. Oh yeah. What do you want me to tell him about? You got a long time ago. No, that's why I tell him that.

Take your time. It's like having sex. The first time you have sex, you just sit there, you do missionary, you come. You're like, oh, I wanna do it again, right? You don't really get good at it until you develop your own style, your own rhythm. And it's only through experimenting, you know?

You can be a dude, who knows? How long have you been doing comedy right now? 21 years. Okay, so explain to him when he comes to you. And I got my master's degree at the comic store. And he tells you like what he went through last night. Like, you don't even need to know the story. No, not to fucking know.

It's the funniest thing. We've already been there. We've seen all this shit. We're like, yeah. It's so funny that we'll have discussions. And I mean, he's seen a lot. I like how Eleanor, like what Eleanor is doing. Eleanor sat there for 15 years

and watched 20 fucking careers blow up. And then she said, you know what? I could do this. I could do this. I'm gonna become a comic. And now you see Ron fucking Mark Marin. Yes. And it's inspiring to watch.

Absolutely. And that's the same thing I told Willie. I go at least sat there for five years. And he watched negatives and positives. He would go on dates and go to the store with his girlfriend and watch comics. Wait, Henry, he'll you through the kitchen? Yeah, he'll go through the kitchen with his girlfriend.

Get a room, you too. They get a room. You're always here. But it's just funny that those guys, they watch it, they study it. He's been watching stand-ups since he was 15. He loves jogging that, you know? But at the same time,

only way you can experience it is by experiencing. Oh, absolutely. Nothing you could fucking see or do that comes short to anything we've seen and done. Well, that's why I've been doing as many mics as I can because I never, because you were saying good comedy inspires you. It also, it does.

And this, because there's a difference between bombing and bad comedy, I think. And sometimes when I see, because I go to a ton of open mics, I'll see bad stand-up and that inspire, because I don't want anyone to think, oh, he's just getting on a good show. Can I say one thing to get, to echo that point?

Good comedy can only inspire you when you're at a certain point, when you know how it inspires you. Does that make any sense? Like in other words, when you're six years old and you're watching Dr. J play basketball, or Michael Jordan or LeBron James, right? You're like, wow, I wanna play basketball.

And even in Little League, you still don't know what it's like. You're playing the game, but you just wanna be there. And it's once you get in the league and you really fully understand what you're doing and how the game is played, is when those guys, you really see what makes them great. One of my favorite movies is Amadeus, right?

And when Solari's listening to Mozart, he just is so frustrated because everybody's clapping, right? And they don't hear the brilliance that he hears with that trained ear. And once that ear is trained as a comic, I can listen to somebody do a joke and the audience not respond to it

and you go, that's fucking brilliant. How do they not see that? Your nuances, the shit you throw out that are like little time bombs. But you'll say something that's just naturally you, right? And then like, I don't get sick, I eat ass, I slam a nod. That fucking just, that resonates through the crowd.

And you're hearing it with a different ear. Where you're at right now, you're listening to bad comedy. See, I don't need to do bars. I got everything I got, I have a fucking bar. I don't need to connect with an all, I do all that. Now it's a different thing for me. Watching bad comedy can inspire you, which is where you're at now, right?

Yeah, I mean, and I'm gonna- But 90% of these comics are gonna be awful. Well, it's weird, because it's, if we're gonna go with the analogy you just said about sports. Right. I think maybe, because I've been with Joey for six, or seven years, but six years on the podcast.

I feel like maybe I was in high school, maybe that's where. Maybe eighth grade, ninth grade. What do you mean? If you're in the major leagues. Right. I'm like a ninth grade freshman team baseball player. I mean, six months in, I should be six months old.

Right now, you're in the Pee Wee Football League right now. Fine Pee Wee, whatever. Okay. Just because you hang out with fucking Lou Gehrig or Babe Ruth doesn't make you fucking Dave Justice. You think high school is old? I thought high school was young. I love by the way all my ancient baseball-

You're getting fucked up. Just because you hang out with Ty Cobb. So I'm like a Pee Wee who's hanging out at high school? No, you're a fucking Pee Wee football player right now. You're running out of block. No, no, this is a good thing for you, but it also could be detrimental. Yeah, absolutely.

That's why I told him to slow down. Slow to fuck down. Slow down? You can't, you can't. I told him when he was booking a room, I go, it's not. Just get the fundamentals for right now. This is why I don't like comedy here in the beginning. It makes something too much.

Comedy where I started, you don't even get a head shot. You just go on stage. No, you just gotta get up. Just get up. Keep getting up, keep getting up. Here, you need a head shot. Boston doesn't have a head shot. What's your name?

Well, you're okay. You know, do 20 minutes. Don't do abortion jokes. All right, you ready? Going to the stage. How long? You're at 25, right? 27.

27. 20 at 28 July. What is it? Because you started in the almost mid-boom. I started at the end. So the way you guys came up, because when we were at the store, it's funny too, I was listening to Burt's podcast and some woman,

some girl was saying how like the comedy store should give its white male, should give their spots up to women or whatever. It was some fucking crazy interview. But I remember thinking four years ago, they wouldn't even be talking about the comedy store. Nobody was there. Five years, we was just us in the back.

Well, before you guys left after the whole Carlos thing. Before that, there was nobody fucking there. Nobody was there. And you get a set at 11.30 in the morning in front of five people, or even better yet, 115 after Eddie Griffin just did four hours. And you got to entertain three people.

You know what else makes the comments so great? There's no fucking MC. So if I do well and I bring you up, you got to follow that or I got to follow Chappelle or I got to follow Rogan and Rogan's got to follow Burr. There's nobody going, hey guys, let me do two minutes

and bring up the next comic. It's just fucking one after another after another. And if the person bombs, you got to figure out how to get out of it. If they kill, you got to figure out how to ride the wave. If it's somebody famous and the half the audience gets up to get their fucking autograph,

you got to figure out how to fucking, and it's this little, like Sam Tripoli says, it's like trying to crack a safe. And after a while, you start seeing all these different scenarios and then you're like, I can fucking handle anywhere, any place.

And that's what- Any time. Any time. Throw me anywhere. 27 years, 28 years. Any place I can handle, any fucking scenario. You know, I've done Craig Colorado

where the audience is 80 feet away and there's a fence up. You know, I've done, you know. Sebastian talks in his book will mean him how to do this fucking gig in a boxing ring and fucking Modesto. The point is, you need at least 10,000 of those. Do you guys ever see the Tom Cruise movie

where like he kept kind of like Grand Talks Day but he was in a war? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he kept repeating it. He kept repeating it. I think it's called three, two, one, repeat or something. He was spitting all over the fuck. Tom Cruise is always decent, but he, by the end of it, he knew every,

he would, he had just mastered it, but he had to go through it each day again and again and again. And he would just learn one little thing. And yeah, I'm not, I wasn't- That's a good analogy. I'm not trying to say that I'm, I know anything. I'm just saying like, I, I, I haven't,

I've gotten to see what good, good and great comedy is. And now I'm back there. So I, I, I feel like I have sort of like a cheat sheet that some people don't have. I don't know what it is. But I'm saying that could hinder your growth. Absolutely. The cheat sheet is they got to work.

That's the cheat sheet. Out of all the people that have come in here, we've all had, the only people I bring on here are hard workers. That's one thing. I've never brought up fluff in here. I don't believe in fluff. I don't believe in smoke and mirrors.

I believe in ICP people. That's my next question. Cause I'm the same way. I gravitate to guys like us, like you. I blue collar. I, I could be in a role. I don't have any bullshit shortcuts. I don't like shortcut people.

They bother the fuck out of me. You know why? Cause for years I did shortcuts and got me nowhere. There's no shortcuts. The other thing I had a problem with is I had a poor kids mentality at a point where I was okay with it. You know, I'm okay with fucking, all right, I'll go up.

You know, I'll show them like that type of shit. There is a, there, there is a thing to when I started hanging out with people more successful than me. I saw a trait in them that they had that I didn't. And that was thinking, giving yourself value more, you know? Because again, if somebody had something, I would always be like, I don't care. I don't give a fuck.

I used to walk around with the generic sneakers. I used to get in fights all the time. I remember, I remember my mom, I said, my, I want to, I need a pair of Nike's. My life depends on it. Then I didn't, then I didn't know somebody's going to try and rob them. But, but I'm saying like, you know,

I'm always fighting these kids and make, we used to call them Bobos, you know? Like no name sneakers and shit. Bobos, cat heads. They were called. And if you think you're slipping a slide, take them back to Panty Pride. We used to go Bobos, Bobos, they're so fine.

That's why they cost $1.99. Yeah, like it's fucking crazy. When you're a kid, it's, it's everything. Anyways, but when I was around successful people, there was a mentality that they had like, like, you know, where they're like, this is what I deserve. And I'll expect nothing less. Like for me, if a guy said to me, okay,

I stopped doing this. I used to say yes to everything. Cause I'm like, when the fuck am I going to work again? I need this, we're not going to, we're going to put you up here. And I'm like, fine, I don't give a fuck. I'll sleep in the car. You know what I mean?

And I just found that that was attracting. Once I stopped that, I started getting better things. Once I'm like, you know what? No, I'm one of the best in the business. They're, you know, most respected, I should say, amongst my peers, you know, granted, I'm, you know, whatever. I deserve this. And if I don't get this, fuck you and fuck you, fuck your room.

And then they'd come back, okay. And I just realized that there was a lot of things I was saying yes to. I did it. I, dog, I got beat up for six or seven years longer than what I should have got beat up for. Yeah. Cause I got fucked.

I still remember asking somebody once, and they told a friend of mine that Joe Diaz has gotten a little bit too big for his britches about 10 years ago, because they put a trick on me. They called me to go up there for a certain amount of money. And then when I got up there, I was the headliner and I was taking pictures with people and all this shit from the longest yard.

And I'm like, and he was like, man, we really want to do it again. And I go, this time we got up to status a little bit. And he goes, oh, no, no. I know who that is. It's always going to stay at 200. I know exactly who the fuck that is. And I said, I'm not fucking doing it.

I'll tell you how fair who that is. And he told somebody, he goes, I think Joe Diaz's head's getting a little bit too big. No, you got to ask for what you're worth for. This is what I'm doing. This is the work I do. Two things changed me doing comedy in the Middle East. And when I was given a one night before Thanksgiving,

I was able to keep the door. And I saw what I made in that one night. And I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, you realize how long they've been robbing you for? Well, yeah, but then it is, look, it's a symbiotic relationship. I need the venue, you know, but then I started doing my own little offshoots

and just keeping everything. Right. And you're like, okay, now I can fucking live like a person. Listen, we saw Stan hold do it. Doug, he's always been at it. He's always been at it again. He's always been at it. You know, when he told the guy in Columbus

about his retarded son, remember that this all started at a funny bone with him and Sean Rouse. Just caused havoc. And rest in peace. Rest in peace. They caused havoc at a funny bone and fucking Stan. After Sean Rouse, I consulted the dude,

Stan, I went up there and assaulted the dude again. And the dude banned Stan over from all the funny bones. And they tried to, I forget the guy's name and they tried to ban him. Then he had his balls shaved in Austin. So he was shaved from that. He was banned from that club. But he had his balls shaved on stage?

Yep, he got a girl that shaved his balls on stage. And then he got banned from Austin and a couple other clubs said, we don't need that in our lives. And then he went to Ohio or one of those clubs, somebody not Cleveland, not Columbus. I forget what the guy's name was. And he went to his club

and the guy had a small man complex. And he's got a kid that's got the problems like some type of physical illness. To me, that's off limits. But Stan Hope didn't give a fuck because Sean Rouse, not the hammered, went off. And then something happened, the guy insulted Stan Hope.

And Stan Hope said something to him about the kid. So the guy went after Stan Hope and tried to ban him from one of the clubs. I never heard this story. That's crazy. I meant more about how he started doing the bars. Yeah, well, well, Stan Hope said that. And going up to Montreal and crashing him.

Yeah, well, Stan Hope said, you want to ban me? Okay. I'll call the club across the street from me and I'll do a fucking 100% door deal. He was doing that 10 years. I remember going to see him in Hollywood with Rogan on fucking Hollywood and some dump, dump. And he had fucking 700 people in that dump

standing up yelling, throwing beer bottles and shit. Me and Rogan walked out of like that was fucked up. But he was fucking carrying a sash all the way to the fucking bank. It's crazy. It's crazy what we've done to see. But what I'm saying though, where you're at now, you guys are finally...

I was saying this the other day, Joe Rogan and Chelsea Handler did more for comedians than any of the late night talk shows. That's a true fucking statement. Except, I mean, if you count Chelsea as a talk show, but what Joe's done for people is amazing. And what Chelsea did for the people on her show, think about that.

Think about all the people that we know that were able to come off on that. I only won. Yeah. And Josh Wolf, Cap, even though, I know you guys have a beef, which I found out about that. I don't wanna talk about that, but who else?

But look what Rogan did for everybody, man. But this is what... Because they have the stink. Because the comics, you need a stink. You need a road stink. You need something to you that you look at another comic and be like, okay, I see the miles in your eyes.

This guy, this is a comic. And that's the other thing. We don't play that male-female shit at the comic store. Yeah, I always hear people talk that. It's like... I don't look at that. I don't fucking... None of us, though.

I don't know what the fuck they're talking about. All the girls that perform there are fucking never once. One thing I do wanna stress, that there's a mild misconception about podcasts that people think because you go on Rogan, your life is gonna change. No, not at all. No.

You have to cover the spread. You have to be able to still do the things that you do every day, every fucking single day. It's like when you popped this show, while you were shooting the first couple episodes, did you think this was gonna go anywhere? No, you didn't. I just took it as a job.

You were like, this is a job. I'm a 20-year veteran, I'm just... I hope this goes well. I've been here before. I've had a lot of triples. And look, and look. And now you're going back for a second season. Hopefully, yeah.

Hopefully, yeah. Who knows? Who the fuck knows? But you do know that we get to a point to where it's... You come out like this, and then you're like this, and then you're like this, and then you're just like... You know what I mean? Just whatever it is.

I know I'm... I hope they caught that on the video, but you get... Come out wide-eyed, then you get a little angry, then you get a little like, fuck it, and then you get normal and you get centered. What a fucking journey. Oh, it's crazy.

What a beautiful, beautiful... I love it. Beautiful, beautiful journey. You told me in the beginning that I would be here, and that I would have been at the comedy store. And that was the one thing I had at being at Mitzi's thing is looking at being a part of that history. And to me, my history is with you, Rogan, Sabat,

you know, when it was on the ropes. And let's be honest. I mean, we fucking... We helped bring that place back. And between Marin and Rogan, I was talking about on the podcast, and people were like, let's see. Let's see the fucking zoo.

And you as well. And then all these people came, and this is, see, they can't control what they think comedy is. They can control what they wanna put out there, but the internet allows people to see you. Cause let's be honest. A lot of our comedy, if we were playing by their rules,

we would, they would just keep you in the back. This person has to say, this, this, this, this. We're doing a, you know, we need to push this, this, this. And now people could be like, oh, did you see so-and-so on? Oh, really? Let me pull this guy up for you. Look at Bill Burr fucking shit on Philadelphia. Doug, what, what, what, what, you know,

what do you think people do from nine? Our window used to be from eight to 10 at night. And the late night talk show, no more. No more. Our windows from six a.m. to six p.m. Bitch, I gotta get the fuck out of here. I'm happy that you came out. I'm happy.

I saw you a few weeks ago. I'm happy for your success. If you haven't seen Brent on fucking Cobra Kai, you're missing out. It's amazing that when I heard about it, I could lie to both of you guys. I had a feeling. Really?

I had a feeling because America's looking for that nostalgia. This TV is not working. This diversity, my neighbor's gay TV, it's not working. It's not eight to 10 o'clock. This time I'm reading my daughter a book and I don't see the word stupid. I don't wanna hear that word anymore in kids' books. I don't wanna hear.

I see some Disney shows that say some fucked up shit. I grew up on Family Affair. I grew up on The Walks. I grew up on a different American type of TV and they gotta bring that back from eight to 10, they're gonna lose it. Well, you said you knew because of the nostalgia thing. I had a funny feeling.

See, I read it. I had a funny feeling. When I read it, at first I was nervous because you saw the fanboys online wanting to hate it. Everyone wants to hate everything, right? Everything wants to hate it, but let me tell you something. A couple of years ago, I did a movie with the Cobra Kai teacher and Johnny, the blonde.

Ask him, Dean Cain movie, me, Dean Cain, and those guys, in fact, they had a karate school in the valley, so it was like a fake, it's crazy. It's the dog that saved one of those. The last one I did, well, I dressed up like a woman if the two guys from the karate kid are in it, not the brunette, the blonde, and the teacher. Billy Zapka.

Yeah, and the kid that was in Rambo. Yeah, Cleese, John Cleese. I grew up on that movie. Sensei Crease, John Creese. John Creese. I grew up on that movie the same way that you won't watch The New Mechanic. I didn't see the new karate kid with Jaden Smith.

It's not bad, I don't hate it. Everybody hates it. I haven't seen it, I haven't. I liked it, but it's not like it doesn't give me, because there was a thing with Daniel LaRusso's mom and Randy Heller, right? And when they first moved, she came from Newark and they were together and I always thought

that was how my mom was, hi boys, are those your friends? And they're like, nice car, Miss LaRusso. You moved out here to California. I hate you in all this shit. But they were all that turmoil and then I had that relationship with my mom and that was always our movie. And then when I got to do scenes,

whatever, I couldn't believe it. Brother, where can they find you? Just go, if you guys want, I released my special for free at bretcomedy.com. You can go there, you can donate to own it. You can buy a t-shirt, you get the download for free. Or if not, just go watch it. Just go watch the fucking thing.

Just go watch it, give me your e-mail. And then when he comes to your town, we'll go watch Miss Ella. And then go buy a ticket, Miss Ella. That's it, it's nice and easy. It's always a pleasure. Brettcomedy, B-R-E-T, comedy.com. I love you guys, thank you again, man.

Bro, it's always a pleasure to see you. You're my boy, man. I'm glad we were fucking dying in there. This is like, by the way, this is a kitchen conversation we had today. This is it, this is it. This is where we're getting into each other, trying to fuck it.

This is it, this is it. But as usual, I want to thank Anit, the best, the best. Mexican chocolate protein powder, the new shit. Fucking delicious as fuck. I love the Shroom Tech Sport. I love the Shroom Tech of... Amune. Amune. Alpha Brain, 100% money back guaranteed.

I don't even want the product back if you don't like it. Who does that? Who does that? Anit, that's who does that. Go to Anit.com right now and press in. Church? Bam! Get 10% off, deliver it right to LaCazza, you understand me?

Right to your fucking crib. That's how Anit does it. Number two, hiring is challenging. But there's one place you could go where hiring is simple, fast, and smart. A place where growing businesses connect to qualified candidates. That place is ziprecruiter.com slash church.

C-H-U-R-C-H. You're like, Joey, why do I have to go to ziprecruiter? Why? Because you want the best qualified person out there for your job. That's what you're looking for. You're looking for a qualified candidate and it takes a long time, not with ziprecruiter.

You're like, why? It used to be hard. Multiple job sites, stacks of resumes, confusing review process, no more. Today hiring can be easy and you can have it go in one place and get it done one, two, three with ziprecruiter.com slash Joey. Why?

Because with the powerful matching technology, ziprecruiter scans to thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience and invite them to apply to your job. Ziprecruiter is so effective that 80% of employers who post on ziprecruiter get a quality candidate through the site within the first day. Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? Ziprecruiter sends your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards, but they don't stop there. With results like that, it's no wonder. Ziprecruiter is the highest rating hiring site in America. Did you hear that? Ziprecruiter is the highest rating hiring site in America.

So do me a favor. Right now, the church family, you can try. Ziprecruiter for free, gratis, ugots, nothing, nothing at this exclusive web address. Ready? Grab a pen. Ziprecruiter.com slash church, C-H-U-R-C-H. That's ziprecruiter.com slash church, C-H-U-R-C-H.

It's that easy. You're looking for somebody. You want the right candidate? Ziprecruiter.com slash Joey. I wanna thank- So it's church. Slash church, I'm sorry. They went away from me.

I wanna thank my man, Bret. I forgot to mention too, if you guys like my podcast, check me out on your on the list. You can subscribe at BretComedy, B-R-E-T, comedy.com and watch the special for free there and check out Cobra Kai season two coming up. You're beautiful, brother. I love you, man.

Love you, thank you. And I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday. Tip top, Magoo, have a great day. It's the second half. Grab your ball, salute the flag, bitches. We're going deep. Kick that fucking meal, Lisa. Yeah.

That's great. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Chuck Chuck Get away But I can't see If you fight the way I feel Even though you're not for real Your touch is driving me

Crazy and when you smile It's just making me want you more and more Baby, I want you to stay alive It could be such a fantasy This physical attraction Can not go in action This physical attraction This sweet satisfaction

Baby, we were meant to be together People know we never met before We've got to move it For the sun is rising And you'll be walking slowly Out the door Out the door You're confusing me

Cause I don't know if you've got me But I know that I want you And it's nothing to be ashamed of What are you gonna do? Well, you say that you need my love And you're wanting my body I don't mind Baby, all I've got is time

And I'm waiting to make you mine Say you wanna stay the night But you leave me tomorrow I don't care All of your moves are alright We can take it And be aware This physical attraction

She gets a chemical reaction Ooh, it's a physical attraction Sweet satisfaction Yeah Baby, we were meant to be together Even though we've never met before We've got to move it For the sun is rising

And you'll be walking slowly Out the door Out the door Physical attraction Chemical attraction Chemical reaction Ooh, it's a physical attraction Chemical reaction

Yeah Adjection Chemical attraction With so much satisfaction Adjection Reaction So much satisfaction It's a physical

A physical A physical attraction Chemical A chemical reaction physical physical attraction A chemical A chemical reaction

A physical A physical attraction A chemical Okay