Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #599 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: July 11, 2018

Kate Quigley, comedian, actress, and host of the "#DateFails" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by:  FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 07/10/18.  

Greetings from podcast bill the church what's happening now is brought to you by my personal favorite on it for all your sports supplements from the new way protein the dolce that Mexican chocolate is fucking delicious to the alpha brain to the shroom tech on it is number two to nobody understand me they're number one they don't fuck around go to honor dot com right now and press in church bam you get 10% off your first order delivered right the house that's how we roll number two you know me dog I'm no fucking any Bravo but I try to do what I do twice a week just to keep the blood flowing I'm an old man people talking on my fucking G and close guard listen if you want a tough solid G you're a big guy Fuji

all the way baby from the all-purpose G to that competition G's in my world it's Fuji all the way go to Fuji sports right now Fuji sports dot com right now and press in church boom and get 10% off again whatever G the super read all the psycho point to the psycho S E I KO point to they redid it or just a regular elevate it's a beautiful like G on hot days they'll rock your world go to Fuji sports dot com right now and press in church bam get 10% off your order kick this motherfucking mule Lee the church of what's happening now you bad motherfuckers kick this mule Lee oh shit hey quickly the juke the Christ killer oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh

are you fucking nuts or what old-school death leopard still on the fucking road doing that thing I got the name of the song is woman it's off the hysteria album and the reason why I opened up but it's because my main woman is in the fucking studio I love you quickly I missed Christ will I miss you too I was worried about you never hook up with the guy in Charlotte the guy in Charlotte yeah yeah yeah we talked about setting some dates up a great guy really want to use your great club Charlotte that's dope yeah talking about doing a few like doing a run and hitting a few cars yeah he's got him South Carolina yeah couple days yeah be so fun good yeah I love it out you want to get you out there how are you I missed you

man wasn't it weird I was saying it was only like a few weeks I didn't see you but it felt like forever I just talked to you so much and I take for granted that I bump into you like once or twice a week so it felt it was weird I was like it was like you're like one of my closest friends like I realized it when I wasn't seeing you I was like oh I need like a hug from Joey yeah no it's yeah listen the comedy game doesn't give you a lot of friends like not Ari and it was great yeah I went with the cactus with Ari and oh that's cool wait what's cactus that a restaurant I go place oh nice Simone show up I go see there's the cactus you

should have gone to that's a little bit bad mouth and cactus you went for a wrong fucking cactus really yeah cuz there's three of them where is it there's one of Beverly up there in the valley there's one on more park and to hunger and then there's one on North Vine oh they're on the valley no no wine in Hollywood yeah across in the hotel so sometimes if you're coming home from the store just hook a fucking right on vine and they're open it's cash only I have to try it like Maddie Aguil is in that name a bunch of cats live in that neighborhood they know about so yeah they were at coffee and Steve Simone was

complaining about fucking the one I'm more parking would've been more parking would've been so today when he came over Ari I go what do you want to eat and he goes I want to eat Mexican I go I only go to cactus or like if it's family I take him to the best is right up the corner you can't get a table what's that salsa and beer oh yeah I've never been I love Mexican Mexican is my favorite if I'm going out to eat Mexican the problem with salsa and beer it's like fucking that restaurant and you know the other day Lee and I were having coffee talking about the podcast and Simone and I'm like I feel like pastrami like I

get three ounces of pastrami with two pieces of bread and it's like six way watch your point so anyway watch it with mustard but the coast law it's not bad it's like three points for coast law only wait two pieces of bread and still under six it's four points for two pieces of rye bread is too how many do you get in a day 39 oh wow I can't believe it's that low so two pieces of bread is four points and three ounces of pastrami lean is like four points something fucking outrageous so I went to this pastrami place it was God awful it was God awful and it's oh it's always been 50-50 I can't lie to you I go there for

convenience the guys is a generic gambler but his wife is really sweet she's 60 she's got the ass of a 30 year old yeah she's Jewish too and she's fucking banging really one of those dark-skinned Jews one of those fucking deserts so far she's fucking banging she's got an ass of a 30 year old really and I went in there the other month the wife wasn't there but the food was horrendous it was just God awful so there's a place downtown if you ever want real fucking pastrami it's called Langers do I sound dude do I strike you as someone that's looking for pastrami I was gonna say I don't think I've ever in my life been like I could

really go but they took an old it's like feel like can't there's yeah okay it's can't there's only high level with a line oh you get there at 20 to 12 sorry Charlie it's a 30 minute wait done so you got to go 1115 when the pastrami comes out of the oven you got to get there at 5 after 11 and wait to 10 minutes like a soldier just have a couple rice chicken and rice yeah a couple chicken and rice is three points you know you don't die I love you I love you on the point system so I love it it's so great and you look it's working it's not a gained weight because something's going on that's why I went

to the doctor thing is something you did you don't look well I couldn't you're still so thin I'm trying to fucking get down to 265 what how much weight did you gain back like three pounds that's it I lost 1.6 so it's like I'm up one and a half something ain't digested and something I'm slipping with something could be the expired edibles no it's the greenhouse I go to a natural fruit place to greenhouse yeah love it's delicious and it's really healthy but that stuff blended kills you what do you mean love smoothies like I'm sorry why too many carbs too many points what do you mean it's hard to count fruit blended

and fruit eaten raw is too very different that's true so fruit eat raw you could eat it all day long and not gain an ounce but fruit blended becomes something else oh you know what so when you put banana blueberries and I saw he blended up it becomes sugar sugar yeah you put the fruit and the granola on top even though it's super light granola granola is a lot of points it's like eight points for a fucking heavy it's heavy so and I'm a big fucking compucha dude oh you love kombucha that's a lot of sugar that's a lot of sugar so it says eight ounces is two points but I'll drink 16 ounces yeah it's a lot of keep

though your belly good eat a lot of edibles and shit expired at a you should just do apple cider vinegar instead I like that I do it I do it it's supposed to help keep I'm like really into it's weird I'm really into like food and dietetics I almost major well I do the green shit every every time I go to the greenhouse I order the fucking kill yeah the whole thing it's like got some great juices there they really do because when I buy the juices I actually look to see how many because sometimes there's one apple sometimes there's a half apple yeah look look right but you know what not to do like an

ad for them but I used to be obsessed with making smoothies and I tried all the different blenders the Nutribullet the Vitamix for real is amazing it's amazing because you can put a whole apple in it I eat the core of the seeds when it's blended up I you can't even tell you can't tell you're getting I sound like I'm doing an ad for them you get all the nutrients yeah it's like when you find out that the best part of a potato was the peel yeah like I would put that potato like a friend of mine we were talking about a restaurant yeah me and your girlfriend what's the name oh Jessica I love today she's awesome you

know we're talking about a restaurant in Boulder that I really came up with them like it's really weird when you come up with somebody yeah when I was starting to go to that restaurant nobody really went to that restaurant and after I started going there because of the owner and then we ended up in the halfway house together his personality blew the place up yeah him being in the halfway house and the worry got on the street like people like that they wanted to do business with him but they didn't but he was such a great chef he had such a great Italian restaurant he had grappa which nobody even knew what grappa was

alcohol yeah bro because he had shots of grappa there were 15 a shot I don't know what that is back in 95 Ladizio's in Boulder back then was my fucking I was in there my wife fucking hated it I was why'd she hate it because I was there every minute I could be there oh she hated that you were there she didn't hate the restaurant no nobody hated oh I see she hated you were always there yeah because it was my people that that's my type of environment they were crazy ex-con's he was an ex-con but his wife was a reverend is a reverend Mrs. out no way yeah she has her own church in Boulder outside of Boulder and then the

line cooks let me tell you something there's a the bakery guy there the guy that was the baker in Ladizio's in 1991 him and I still talk every two weeks no way the type of motherfucker I am Joe Koch he just sold his bagel shop in Mississippi the whole thing did you work there or you would just go and hang out after work I love that his I love that his wife is a go behind the counter and do whatever is necessary pick up the phone you hold on one second yeah okay come here it's for you Joey go back to give me a case of beer back there this guy needs a case of beer and I would eat like all the mistakes Joey you want to

design your fuck yeah I take a little joey's in the back like fucking up the food so there's like a lot of mistake I probably gave this chef a $5 bill okay I'm looking for sausage and pepper oh no no no and I bring them weed and you know just a restaurant I'm that guy that hangs at restaurants I love it I hung there I had a Chinese restaurant in Boulder I got it but I became French because they were gambling addicts were they Chinese people Chinese people and I would torment them they were Vietnamese but they pose as Chinese same shit they were nice people was this the one that you scammed I didn't scam them I never

scammed them I was friends with them that it was really weird I was broke I was a good customer and one day I ordered food and I forgot that I had money like I forgot where I put my money I was so high whatever night before when they came to live it I go listen you're gonna believe this I forgot they go just drop it off when you have it so when I was going through my thing from 94 to 95 when I was broke I could always call them up and get food on the arm and they would run a tab for me and I would pay him like every two weeks on Friday I mean it's Chinese food how much good it could have been for 60 bucks whatever

but I would get three sodas yeah you know after a coke binge when you wake up after a coke you're ravenous you want four fucking cans of coke let me get an order with your hot and sour soup let me get two orders egg rolls let me get an order of fucking crab brain I have eaten the weirdest shit when I come down from coke yeah one night I remember all I had in my freezer was frozen vegetables and I had no food so I heated up a bowl of frozen brussel sprouts brussel sprouts nothing on it like four in the morning and I was laying in bed eating them with my fingers like out of the bowl because I was so hungry and I

didn't know how to get any food my neighborhood is too scary to go out after like one it's definitely like total hood you've been I don't know if you know I've been in my neighborhood is like super sketchy because they were building a target in the neighborhood three years ago and then someone in the neighborhood said that targets too tall it blocks my view of the Hollywood sign which this neighborhood is so far from the Hollywood sign you can't even see it from any of the buildings but this old dude complained so the city looked into it and it turned out the target is seven inches above city code so the

city made targets stop building it they said you either have to tear it down and start over or we have to change the laws that was three years ago the building is still empty so now it's turned into like a homeless apartment complex it's like a thousand homeless people living in this target and it's in my neighborhood so it went I moved in like there's gonna be a target it's gonna be awesome here it's gonna get like more expensive and now it's turned into the slums you can walk that target and buy drugs and how far you from Hollywood I'm I'm like two miles from the comedy sir I'm near like Western and in Hollywood oh yeah

that's scary out it's so bad Joe there's ten villages was it your first place in LA no that's the thing I kind of went backwards like I had way nicer places in Korea town or something like that it's Thai town same thing right so you live on awful Western Sunset like Western and Hollywood that area oh yeah that's crazy it's so bad but it didn't used to be it used to be it was like gentrifying and then it went backwards when gentrified for a while yeah Western and Hollywood is where they used to be a Thai thing there there still is a little Thai center like a post office mailbox there still is a little time they would

do massages and I placed next to a restaurant yeah that corner that whole thing that that's a great place that place that did the massages and everything yeah that little complex is good but a few blocks down it's like I mean seriously it's walk down towards Western or away from Western walk down towards sunset so it's basically like Western and sunset like where the home depot is like that close it turns from like nice like Starbucks to like a tent city no joke like bonfires and trash cans at night it's so bad it's so scared I've never been scared I've lived in south side Chicago I've never been scared and

I'm a brown belt like I'm tough you know I'm scared there now I won't even walk at night do you mind if I ask you why I'm roughly what you pay for rent just because like it's crazy now like you think you're living in the ghetto and then it's like oh 1500 I pay 14 for a one bedroom but that's because it's rent controlled when I moved in it was 1325 for a one bedroom with parking but in my neighborhood now it's like 1800 for a one bedroom in that ghetto ass neighborhood so Hollywood was fucking scary when I moved here it's still scary guys and you know I've been here with 12 telling you on this podcast it wasn't I wasn't scared

like San Francisco scary at night when the 85 or New York City Harlem scared no it has a different type it's different it's different because you're not expecting it it's also things get weird it's different because it's not scary like violent scary like they're gonna rob you scary it's scary because the people seem crazy that are on this but no no no Hollywood Boulevard the other night I went to Hollywood just to kill time I did not feel like doing stand up that's not like you I had to meet our friend had to meet two people yeah that night I had to meet a friend about a dog another friend about a dog for a script

yeah he had to give me a script so I met a friend about a dog I had to go down and pick up something good so I'm gonna go pick up something bad on there that's cold where I gotta pick something up okay what are you gonna do I gotta see a man about a dog about a dog that's the code word like that and it means I'm not gonna tell you what I'm doing yeah I just gotta go do something that you don't want to be involved I thought maybe we're getting mercy a puppy no no no no no no no I gotta go see him even mercy knows my daughter knows she does when I tell her I go see a man about a dog she don't ask I got she's five

she don't ask she knows that the first time she's like yay I'm getting a dog now she's not even just think like she's getting a dog right it's an expression like even my wife who's this straightest can be I could tell my wife I'm going to see a man about a dog and she knows I want to pick up a gun web of drugs I'm going to see something illegal and you can't come yeah so that's what I went to see a man about a dog so when I went down and I went to see his dude oh dude who actually had worked for me but then my other boy called me he goes does your boy still need that thing I got it from I said fuck it I'm gonna go to the bank

get your money I was gonna thank fuck oh with me I was gonna send him on the mission and you're gonna come see me and he got scared because I let this is what happens he got scared he gets he starts with his whining you have no idea and I even called him and said right now I'm at Joe's Pizza having the best life I ever had I was gonna bring you but I didn't want to hear no I didn't get an offer that's the thing because I talked about when I tell you to be ready in five minutes don't worry where we need to go that we got my man have to do some first of all you might have to do something he gets scared right away he

gets scared what's gonna happen to me I need to know I don't want to take no illegal drugs well that shit is settled by now first of all that's it can we tell this weekend he gave me an expired edible and expired Chiwet you how can an edible expire what it was because there's food stuff in it like was it a gummy what was it no it was like a little it was like two years old it was like fucking oddball chocolate I'm used to that by now I wish I could remember the day and I could look at my phone he probably called me 18 times and every time he said I'll be there in ten minutes I was ready you got me so high

that I was like I can't why you scared why you scared of things you also wouldn't touch my friends but tonight no first of all I would have if you're out there I would love to touch your butt he doesn't want me to you to me to the conviction oh my god I'm gonna get you me to please do something but you say that I would and yeah I'm sorry if he calls me and tells me where I got the heroin that killed Michael Jack like whatever he says yeah I remember that I get a little nervous I'm not gonna pretend like I don't have the heroin it's the cocaine that killed that basketball player you say when bias everyone

every person I got the weed that Anthony bought Dan smoke before he died Jesus Christ you think this is too soon what about when he said it like fucking the night of I mean it's all right this is the week Kate Spade had the bag you know what I'm saying I love you in a famous bag I'll fucking crazy is that my hometown my buddy John Ben who ideally love is doing something they're doing like night people's night out in North Bergen it's August 9th people's night out you go to the parks and they have hot dogs and people donate stuff they're donating fucking spade bags at this so all these people going through this

barbecue and then don't hate spade bags they're popular aren't they yeah I want a Kate spade bag I want 10 black dicks up my ass right now if you understand me like if a black dick was walking down the street minus I'd rather have him knock on the door than a Kate best spade bag right now it wouldn't be for you it would be for no wife or no I don't want a spade bag around your house it's a kiss of debt yes they are what they weren't so just spade bag is bad luck the company anymore I gotta spit on myself cuz it's fucking cancer you know saying it's like I've never been like I've never been into that kind of

shit like I have I don't like to shop and I don't like to have a lot of stuff you think she's mush now like the dog I don't want his money around my money was Kate spade really cool like when was Kate spade if I tell you something you don't believe this what I didn't know nothing about it though she killed us how fucking crazy is that that's how out of it I am I don't even I don't know I was thinking of the wrong person I was thinking of the model that really skinny model chick that's not her Kate spades the designer chick see I don't even know I don't pay attention the Anthony Bourdain thing I actually felt

really bad cuz I didn't look at the news all day till like 1 a.m. so I was like tweeting jokes all day and then I saw someone even wrote me something about Anthony Bourdain like rip Anthony Bourdain it didn't occur to me that he died I don't know what I was like what the fuck is he talking about he's hot I'm really bad about keeping up I don't watch TV I mean listen there's so much information getting thrown at you from all directions it's not even that it's cuz I'm about in from how much information yeah it's grown at the human brain today is the human brain designed no what's going on today you know people

getting brain tumors from cell phones today I had a conversation with someone at my daughter's swimming and he's a little old-fashioned like I am we were talking about the disadvantages of the cell phone and what the cell phone you know has great advantages yeah but the disadvantage is them the biggest there's a lot you know what the biggest disadvantage of the cell phone is what do you think like I laugh because you're not living you know what you're so right I don't even look I really laugh at people Kate I'm sorry I'm speaking I am ashamed because people always go to me every two weeks I get I get hate mail

and it's always that I'm telling the lie the stories to the da da da da da da let me tell you something my friend I never I lived life like I was out there I lived when I was that's why I get mad at Lee you know yes it was probably my fault that Lee stayed out there Monday night but Friday night in Bakersfield but guess what Kate what else would he have done that night he's got some adventure he would have got home at 11 30 with the Agostino put on whatever stupid shit he's watching on fucking Netflix and gone on social media and jerked off and gone to bed you know what he didn't turn it into an adventure

because he didn't want it he sat next to an African chick and there was Mexican criminals on board you know whatever on the plane of the fuck I'm on the gray hat how am I supposed to turn the bus into an adventure interview all of them they turn the lights off it's one in the morning it's it's so weird how we have forgot how to live like half the comics if I tell if I get down with you like if you come over and we stay up all night talking like the shit I used to do on Greyhound in 19 the 19 no no no not this shit I used to do on Greyhound but my life on a Greyhound bus for three years you know Ralph you may used to

laugh at me I used to be embarrassed to tell other comics that I would leave in tonight so I would go they would go where you going this week I'm gonna no pass-up and they go what time is your flight they go I think it's either LA X or 8 o'clock and I would lie to other comics why were you taking the bus because I had to save money I was only getting 500 to feature yeah yeah oh yeah $500 to feature yeah from Tuesday through Saturday okay so 500 if that in those days it was $80 each way on Southwest and that's if you bought the ticket three weeks in advance yeah so that's 160 out of 500 what does that

leave you with 340 3 fucking 40 to eat my food and pay in bills taxes and pay bills yeah no please and pay bills so you know 340 but the Greyhounds dirty five fucking dollars to help us at the time was 1750 each way wow how long is that right 11 hours out of your life that's not the two and a half but what you think about it when you're a comic you think of 11 hours and what does a comic pray for in his life solitude yeah that's a solitude you need I would go on that Greyhound bus I put your phones on with a disc man I'd have a disc man and batteries with fucking Christina Aguierra and I would get a notebook and

I would stay up all night and I would roll a joint and every time the bus stopped they would don't say this this bus is stopping for an hour go eat some the food was horrible I mean it was it was like eating pew but at least I would smoke and then I started learning to bring my own food on the buses but I fed you no no no you have restaurants at the station have restaurants at the stations so right now you know right now like right now if I would right now if I got a call right now okay it's what night is it Tuesday it's Tuesday night it's nine o'clock right now the fucking phone rings and they say to me Joey we

have a gig for you tomorrow a week that starts tomorrow night in weed California and then from there it goes to blah blah blah blah blah but you're working with a girl named Kate Quigley if I say to the booker what do I do you know like what do I do like I don't have a car the booker would go okay it's gonna drive she's headlining you're gonna open up a cake but tell Kate we Kato meet you at the first gig yeah so I would have to get myself to the California yeah so right now I would get on the phone call Greyhound 1-800 whatever the number was and it's not by heart Greyhound probably no there was no fucking there was no

fucking 1-8 there was no Greyhound.com back then no no 1-800 Greyhound and you had a fucking call and go hey man I want to go to fucking weed California and where's your destination LA downtown okay the bus leaves 11 but now you still got to get there you know you know what the bus stop is right around here right in the valley no yeah yeah that's right by the big wangs that that big train stop no no no no no no big but where no whole diner is down the corner from down the corner from there it's the size of this office it's the size of this office the Greyhound I look I almost did that one but it would have taken two I would

have had to wait two hours in LA to get the bus to play yeah it goes right there goes right you if you drive by there at night after the haha you always see people standing no way so what they do is they walk to no whole diner so the bus will drop you off you have a three hour wait where do you go that's why the no whole diner is open 24 hours because people who take the bus go to no whole diner yeah but that's when you're a comic like that's like it's like that banjo have you ever seen that video by Bon Jovi wanted that a lot yeah when he's on the bus and then the guy's playing the drums but they show him

looking out a window on the bus like that was my life guys no man you know what I did the same thing not with comedy because I've been very blessed that people like you will take me to feature and will get me a flight in a hotel room so I'm not taking a greyhound but I used to do I think I told you I used to emcee events and I used to do like promotional marketing gigs like state fairs and stuff and they would give us flight money and hotel money but the gig wouldn't pay that much so I would save the money so I would this is actually I forgot I even did this I would rent like an SUV and I would park at

truck stops or sometimes if there was a like a U-Haul truck for the gig like if they were bringing product I'd ask the driver if I could ride with him to the next stop and I would sleep in the back of the truck on those furniture pads one time I was working in an event for dog food at state fairs I was like talking about dog food on a microphone to like everyone at the fair before the country singer would come on stage I'd have to do like 10 minutes of talking about dog food and I would sleep in the back of that fucking budget truck with the dog food at truck stops and I would just lock it from the inside like there

was a way you could lock it and sleep in there for whole summers and I would shower in the truck stop but I would make an extra like thousand like 1050 or something a week because I wasn't paying for hotels you go to those truck stops or it's like a fucking massage bar you pay you go in there they even have a bed they have like a little room for like the movie theater stuff and some of them don't they have like really nice ones some of them are really nice I actually like the pilot ones I'm not gonna lie yeah yeah pilot pilot pilot truck stops I like truck stops oh my god when I was a teenager I would go to

truck stops to write like when I was a kid I used to write music I play guitar I would go to truck stops in the middle of the night this one I was like 14 15 and sit and write and talk to the truck drivers like I always liked truck stops and I always like drifters something about drifters probably why I like you because you have the soul of like a drifter because you probably always like hiding from people do you ever think about being a truck driver like I used to think I would love it I'm sure like I'm sure doesn't pay great I'm sure it's not super good but I like being by myself and all that so like I could very easily

see myself doing it listen I have no qualms with I have a wife and a child right yeah you know I would love to be able to get the car with you and Kate and do the 24-hour drive to Houston listen you've never laughed that hard in your life we would laugh the entire way you would laugh the whole drive you don't know what it's like to drive with comics and that camaraderie with people that you really careful with two comics that are really cool people you mesh with like I was talking to Dean Delray he was telling me that he had a gig once in Bakersfield when he first started and he had a drive up there with

two comics that were miserable he goes it was the worst drive in my life I live a boat telling me to quit that it's all chains that you have to you know do all these things but that all flips when you get the car with people that you care about it's hysterical and if you get high and shit like somebody's got to be sober you know the driver so that was me I'll just smoke pot that's a rescue mother like that you call that sober yeah so I'm just smoking dope I'm in charge of music you please in charge of the directions and you're in charge of saying pull over after this one cuz I gotta pee sleeping at truck stops and

that's so fun I used to go so this is the routing this is the route I used to take Josh Wolf turned me on to a website back then that you went out to the airport you stood online you got to the window it's something completely different that's like Jersey Mike's now you're gonna lax I know Jersey Mike's before you go to lax there's a Jersey Mike's on Century Boulevard okay on the right-hand side yeah there used to be a place that you went there by the hotel by the hotel you went in there you said I want to go to New York tonight and then get your flight for 100 bucks what but they treat you like a Puerto Rican they

lose your luggage they fucking spirit airlines it was spirit it was like somebody you bought tickets last minute huh and I would take one of those but how I would get back here would be by bus so I would land in Newark one of my friends would pick me up I go to his house take a shower eat and then we'd get weed coke my party and then the next morning he dropped me off at Port Authority in New York City and from there you could get all around the world on a fucking bus it'd be fun if you did it with your friends it would and I would take a bus all the way to Buffalo and then my friend from Miami he was so this

is how comedy works I had a friend in Buffalo well I had a friend in Miami who his brother his brother his brother were waiters at the improv yeah his one both good-looking white dudes from New York one sold coke heavy-duty and the other one just slaughtered coke heavy-duty and he ain't Chinese with the one that's not a coke heavy-duty but he dated a Puerto Rican girl so I would I would start or I would take a flight to Miami and work two weeks in Miami and then from Miami I would take an Amtrak to Myrtle Beach how damn that's a long that was brutal yeah and then from Myrtle Beach I would

go to DC I would do Tyson's corner Virginia Bethesda, Maryland the DC improv with John X was booking in on individual but would you take buses to all those places this is all be my bus but the train is so much nightly it's probably more expensive but the train is expensive it's almost as much as flying now it's crazy as a rip off because I'll tell you why yeah it's 160 got it that's for a chair really oh you want a seatbelt oh that's $8 yeah oh you want to blanket that's another 12 oh you don't want to sit next to a Chinese guy that's another $12 option action oh you want to sell a chair that reclines

that's another $18 oh wait a second the special tonight yeah for dinner have you ever been on a train no because the one time I was gonna do it it was the same as flying and so here's how a train works you ready yeah you get to the caboose where they give you food it's salad soup two egg roll appetizer a main dinner and dessert and free wine and coffee so they want 30 bucks for the whole thing you go over and you go listen what if I don't want the salad the dessert or whatever can I just get the fucking entree no you don't get the whole thing yeah so it was just like a rip-off for me so I never took the train

again I don't know what he's talking about there's trains from Boston to New York doesn't like those trains like yeah I've done that like what what Matt Fultron did when I work province he took a train right from Penn Station that's like the long rail road I'm not gonna listen to him he don't know nothing but that's the thing is like Boston to New York is for buses too I did that 8,000 times I can't imagine being going like I even looked I even looked from LA to Boston just once on Greyhound just to see and I think it's like two three days on Greyhound you look just to see what it was there's no express that's

such a weird thing to know you know you have to stop and like express there is an express Greyhound LA to Boston on a Greyhound that's so crazy though fucking days she's thinking like a fucking animal that sounds like you know who does that Eric Myers you know Eric Myers the little do you guys know him the comic yeah from Florida kind of a scrawny dude super funny guys that's he's terrified to fly so bad he's an addict right but he's sober but if he flies it's pushed him off the wagon before so he's too scared so he'll take a fucking bus from Florida to LA every time back and forth you have no idea you have no

idea what it's like to be on a bus I've taken buses from Philly to New York like yeah two four hours six hours I remember one time I went to New York on a Sunday and my week at Hyenas yeah in Dallas started on like fucking Thursday and I made plans to find the mind we're gonna snorkel gonna do all these fucking things and I put away all this money in Dallas no in New York I got to New York I realized I couldn't get a hold of him he had been at a different code party for a night before so here I am all day Sunday waiting for him I checked into a hotel room again I dropped like $80 that I'm like fuck you know $80 I don't know

what it was but at that time this was like this is this is feature money guy yeah yeah yeah no I'm saying that's a good deal for a guy I was gonna meet him alive anymore he died in 99 so this had to be 98 I was making 400 a week yeah and I had a week and I found a flight out of Kennedy to Dallas like 90 bucks no like no like 160 or something but it was a tremendous flying so I was gonna wait the three days and I'm in the city I went into the city I bought some coke I had my luggage with me like my comedy luggage and what I did was when I landed a port authority you could put your shit in lockers so I put my shit in

a locker I tried to hold a friend of mine I couldn't get a hold of them so I did what I usually do I took a train I took the 8 train uptown I picked up two grams two tulips I picked up a couple nickel bags a couple packs of rolling papers I picked up a few lighters I took an 8 train back to Times Square bought some CDs and I said you know what I could either wait till Thursday pay a bunch of money to stay in the hotel and blow all my money on coke with these guys or I could take the greyhound it was the Express to Dallas how not bad I mean you know what sometimes when I fly you always everyone always asks if I

sleep I never sleep because I love I get more work done in a six-hour flight on a plane where no one can bother me and it's completely quiet and dark than I ever do in like two days at my apartment so if I was on a bus for three days I probably write a whole script yeah that's what you do that's why it's not that bad as a comedian when you travel you're like when do I need to be there Thursday okay I got two options yeah I could fucking live there for two days hand to mouth and live in a budget or just be on a bus for two days yeah it kind of sucks but it's just a day and a half now they have Wi-Fi on this bus

yeah Wi-Fi it's not that bad that buses that are pretty pent up like they have the Mexican bus don't pass up that's a complete different bus what's the Mexican bus that's the Mexican people it's run by Mexican companies like a old school music on they have Calamundo that sounds like pinatas and something sells tamales on there like that they have that but they also have the greyhound you know I like I said I just I had I had a lot of long trips on greyhounds I had a couple sexual I cannot imagine meeting a guy on a bus on a bus across country a greyhound and hooking up before we got

to the stop like I can't even imagine that happening to me but that would be my favorite story I had I had a hookup on a plane one time a night when I had a girlfriend no way I got on the plane and I started making out with this girl on the plane next you know I'm fingering in the blank how did that happen I have no fucking idea I was drunk and having for the night before and so was she and she was with her friends and she switched seats to sit next to me like I'd met her at the airport oh you met her before you got on the flight yeah like we met at the bar I'm talking to them I'm 21 at the time that's nuts I met my ex wife at

an airport no way yeah I can meet women at an airport when I was young I gotta stop I gotta start looking because the airport were parties 20 years ago flying was completely different than what it is today in America 30 years ago yeah there's no like 40 pound pit bull on your flight and seat next there was no animals there was no nice shit security was very lax I remember having coke in a jacket one time they told me to take my jacket off and I remember that I had the coke in like the inside pocket like it was like yeah I had like a shirt and tie on yeah and the guy was about to go in there and something made him like

stop and he goes alright go through and that was it why would he check your jacket planes with different parts like coins or keys planes with different back that like a red eye in the 80s meant red eyes weren't for decent people shut up no really red eyes for degenerates you didn't turn the lights off on a fucking flight in the 80s and 90s on a fucking red I wish they still have flights how great would it be if they had adult only flights that were like all right and people knew whoever was drinking what's going on yeah you like the red tunnel and buying the beer next thing you know I'm buying you a drink on the

plane next you know the lady I'm sitting next to she's a fucking boring fuck so we're gonna move up listen you might as well move over there cuz we're gonna talk all night and next you know there'd be three rows not you know it's not 18 people talking and one guy would say you got a bump yeah let me do it shut up bro you have no fucking idea one time being at an airport getting delayed in Denver this is when the last flight to Aspen was nine o'clock and getting delayed at an at Denver Stapleton Airport and then meeting a guy and the guy is like dog I got power and me and him the bars will stay open till two or three and

we're at this bar just bumping and we kept chasing bars where come with what bars open you gotta go to terminal these got a ball shut the coke hidden that's the same that I had like 12 ounces of coke because I was going to New York to pick up coke and I would bring it to Denver then sometimes the flight would get delayed so I put it one of those lockers in the airport and yeah but they would have those lockers I put the coke in there I take a grandma to out so I could bump freely at the bar with somebody I'd meet it's so different now and then I would go back they oh my god you could never even find a locker I

remember my flight one of the best flights I was ever on was to listen to me guys listen to me Lee Lee is my friend I love Lee Lee gave me one of the best compliments he ever gave me it's he didn't even know he gave me a backhand the compliment but it meant the world to me he said that all the people he did business with the only one that worked out from was a guy who went to prison and somebody who kidnapped somebody that everybody else fell apart Lee knows how strong of a mind I have when I got on the plane July 1st 1985 when I got on that plane I was headed to Colorado Springs Colorado yeah but because of a

funny drunk black dude on the flight that we were drinking with he took me into going to Boulder I went to Boulder my life is the way it is today because of a drunk I met on a plane that came from row 10 to row 20 because in those days you know what I do to you like I come back then hit you and we talked for a little while in those days you could stand in the aisles with a beer yeah so I could talk to you like what's up check what's happening that's right what's going on with you in your world looking with your fine ass and shit let me buy your cocktail is that how you talk oh my god in those days I would meet people

on planes no way so in those days first class was upstairs if you watch the movie midnight run first class used to be upstairs there was an airline that I went on one time that the fuck there was a pig with an apple in its mouth when you got on there that's how strong first class way used to be phenomenal perfumes hand creams in first class in the bathrooms yeah flying is changed dramatically but what changed the most was the party aspect of the flight you don't even fucking flights I got on with 12 people were doing blow and drinking shut up you're in the middle of the plane got people moving their hands and

shit fucking people giving cocktail wait what else do it this is 20 I was like keep bringing the fucking lockers everybody was in on it no way come on could you imagine being like you said you left somebody you'd want cake can you imagine though you have no idea how much like flying used to be a party that would be so fun if they did that now they should have adult only you can't you can't fucking party no more I was on a plane three years ago without let's be honest let's be honest I'll be honest to you people these people were being loud but they weren't bothering everybody yeah six people were just going to a

bachelor party okay you know what that's like nine college friends were going to a bachelor party yeah in a great mood we're now 29 yeah five of married four of them have kids you know what I'm saying yeah they're out to party they finally got together and they were sitting behind me on a plane on a Southwest flight from Burbank to Vegas oh and one of them said where's the cocktails at and the fucking pilot came back there and said before we take off I just want to let you guys know that there's not going to be any and the guy goes come on give him the plane and give us a cocktail the pilot turned around three minutes later he

came back with three police guys no next thing you know fucking they opened up the back door and four cops got in the back and they said who said that to the pilot they made the guy embarrassed raise his hand and they said this is what we're gonna do you got two options you get off the plane right now and we'll be bookie tomorrow morning or you could take because the kids were like we know our rights and they started taking the cameras out and they're like we know our rights on the cop said or we'll close the plane you could take the flight but when you touch down in Vegas Vegas PD will be waiting for you and you're gonna

get arrested and guess what else you're not gonna see the judge till Monday what just asking for a cocktail from the pilot tell them the pilot to go on the back try the plane and get me a cocktail that was a joke and then 20 years ago the pilot with a giggle and said I see you guys are gonna party all right I'll see you in Vegas the pilot went and came back with three fucking cops and they packed the fucking plane the cops came on they were riot gear dog and the cop came on there and that's exactly told them the set nine people got up and got off the plane that's exactly they taped it and everything I thought I was gonna

see the night witness news cop told the truth how long ago is that maybe maybe a year ago no way on a Thursday night flight was it the one I got delayed or some yes the last time I went to the South Point like this week I'm at the South Point no way it was a year ago July 8th of Vegas come on of course they're gonna be like they have a TV show about it yeah it is don't play they don't play I get nervous to even tweet jokes about flights when I'm on the plane one time when you had a walk outside first yeah and I was doing coffee it was Sunday I started doing coke on Friday and it was the wintertime everybody had

a jacket on and I had a thermal t-shirt on my body as I was getting on the plane the students is like are you okay I'm fine and I'm coked up to the gills and I'm going the plane hasn't even taken off and I'm blasted I'm getting up every time to blast people put in a lot of joy I'm blasted I've gotten up 20 times before the plane even took off no and then the plane started getting packed and people started sitting next to me and I couldn't get up and I started putting the thing down I put the blanket on my head I do a bump then take the blanket off shut up oh my god I was such a fiend I was the biggest coke fiend this

is right before I got 19 people knew what you're doing right listen I had to I would go to the bathroom pull my pants down and make believe I was shitting and I would hide like I wouldn't let my the mirror see my head because I thought there was a camera a two-way camera no I swear to god dog you know me I wonder if there is a camera yeah you got to think twice and I would do little bumps of coke and I would jerk off a little bit and then I would wipe my ass like fake it like I was taking a shit and I would wipe my ass so the camera would think I was wiped in when you're paranoid your

mind tells you this shit and one time that same flat I got up and when I walked out I left the toilet paper in my pants and it dragged it into the fucking hallway somebody had it stopped me and go you got toilet paper I was disgusting I never I never thought about cameras in there I've taken like hot photos in there I was on a plane one time we did I was gonna go back to and say Kate take a picture you pussy what the fuck I'm sitting up here and mid by myself I could bang one ass that's what mint is for that's what mint is for oh my god I banged one out on planes before I have to first class I rub one

I've done it in the bathroom I was gonna say that that means he didn't do it in the bathroom oh I don't go to the back of the jerk well I pay a lot of money for that plane ticket well you're in like a little booth no you do a cappuccino style I saw a guy jerking off in front of the 7-eleven under a blanket but it was so obvious what he was doing because you could see the blanket moving up and down and I pulled in just last week I pulled in and it was so awkward because I was looking right at him and he was looking right at me like we're making total eye contact I couldn't get out of the car I stared in for a minute and I was like I

can't walk by this guy I was too embarrassed could you really do it cappuccino style like quickly enough so no one would see oh on a plane yeah fuck sleep and keep my head like this to look for this doing this you're insane cappuccino style and at the end you come in your hand and just keep it there like a little gurgle and then you get one of those little napkins you wipe around your helmet you slip it back in your pants and for a minute until you have that coming like your palm in your hand it starts to like what is the homologize just has to get how is it possible I was telling you before the podcast that I

did a podcast the other day and it was with a mom and her son called like sex talk with mom or something and they watched a few episodes of us together and they were saying she said I saw Joey talking about anal and how he doesn't like anal because he doesn't like if he gets poop on his dick and she was like is he vanilla when it comes to sex he seems a little vanilla and I was like I don't think so last night he was telling me about when he came on a spoon and fed it to a chick I was like I wouldn't call that vanilla why did you feed your come to a woman how did that happen you told me you jerked off into a spoon and

fed it to her it's just some form of imagination but how did you why did she was such a dirty animal think of a spoon I was just looking at it like what can I do to her that would be different than anybody else did that I want her to remember me for the rest of my life she can't forget it she went over there with a spoon and I started jerking off into the spoon like you know she sucked my dick I she didn't even ask me why do you have a spoon in your head she thought like it was like a tool for the whole time like I just I thought about it I went over you dick in that mouth that's not me a dick on the coke and then

when I came I squirted some on the face but I squirted some on the spoon and she just looked at me like she thought I was gonna drink it she didn't know she was gonna take have you ever tasted it once or twice not like a whole gallon but just to make sure it tastes okay okay not to step that no just to see what the fuck come in when you're like I'm so proud of you yeah I was like 12 or 13 no you can never say anything about how much ever again how dare you like you taste I would smell it I'd never tasted it like a little finger when you're 13 every guy has taste really how they don't every fucking I'd be guaranteed if

you do it on me in the face before if you do an honor survey with men 82% of men have tasted their own come when they were 12 13 the first wanted to think that's high times they came you should taste it why to make sure to taste yourself yeah no I'm not I don't taste it to see how it tastes at the test at the sea I don't give a fuck that's your job you put up with this fucking crazy glue that's coming out of my dick I'm gonna worry about what it tastes like like I'm a manufacturer of cola I don't give a fuck I'm manufactured sperm it comes out it comes out you drink it and the story that's really bad who gives a fuck you

can control it no no you can yes you can you can by doing what you change your diet no I don't listen listen let me tell you something telling you when you look at a dick it's disgusting and what comes out of a man's dick is even more disgusting only one person gets drink that shit and it's you lunatics nobody else could drink that shit that is disgusting and I've had women who have looked me in the face and said I could drink gowns of it really like I've had women drink out I drink it to be nice like it's a right thing it's at once I think they just drink it like yeah I play it up you know make you feel good

about it yeah you're really you don't know if I would drink it off a spoon to be honest if you're coked up with me for 48 hours listen I'll take it and fucking blow it into your ass with a flute at that point I'm a fucking savage yeah I'm like what are you playing Indian music for the same Indian music don't you feel that coke going up your asshole no I'm crazy oh my god that cocaine shit used to make me fucking crazy it's weird though with me with coke honestly because if it's a few bumps it makes me way hornier and I'll do anything it does coke every idea you have on coke is the best idea you've ever had no matter what

but there is some point where I get too high and I don't want to fuck if I do too much it makes me watch creeps you to fuck up it does get your creep that I've had yeah and it makes your mouth dry as hard to suck a dick with a dry mouth and I need a lot of water and then it's like if the sex is really good I'm like breathing hard and then I keep getting thirsty like one guy one time was so good and I kept on being like wait I need a drink and he was like are you okay and I was like yeah you're just so good and I think I scared him there's gonna be guys are giving you two bumps at all your shows now just look it's great

because I got way way when I first I'd do a cocaine the sex was tremendous the sex was from for me from eighty four okay like 80 no from 84 to 95 and 96 the sex on cocaine was something with the crazy girl it was perfect the girl where we used to roof each other in Boulder like that when she was crazy that was great and I was friends with her mom and I'd have to face her mom the next day and her mom would go since you guys have a good time last night she didn't know we were having sex she though he was just friends she didn't know that her daughter was a fucking animal degree that's what

I'm talking about who I put the coke on the spoon that time and she drank it like it was fucking the most of of God it was tremendous but at that time I wasn't getting hard on Zika what do you mean after three in the morning you have to three in the morning there's nothing there that's why I just shrinks sometimes that you can get what I become evil I become evil to you I start fingering you with four fingers whipping you all this shit you like choking you slapping you with balls making your suck balls making your tongue my ass or while you play with yourself then I just say play with yourself and I sit there watch it play

with yourself I'll give you rocks a coke like that scene the one with Jack Nicholson and what's that movie he did where he plays whitey bulge and when he's getting high with the two chicks and he's black mass and he goes no oh wait the departed the departed when he's doing coke with them he throws the coke at them like that's how crazy I used to get I like all that craziness that's when you get a girl to fucking you know suck her own pussy I should get you to eat her that's my thing was you to eat her well I fucked you from behind so while you're eating her I'm fucking you from behind that is a package that's like my life

dream and then I would switch places oh I would switch places and I would have the 160 with me and I'd finger the other one's asshole I was crazy I was crazy after 95 crazy and I met the stripper and then she outcrazy me she's doing that taught me about smack and choking and fucking throwing her across the room and calling her a fucking animal choking her and dragging her across the floor and pulling her she wanted me to pull by a hand across the floor one time like a fucking caveman like that's hot that's what turned around and I did a Korean girl in Boulder that the only way you could have sex with her is by her

ripping the outfit off her outfit or yours you had to rip her outfit off that is really hot too I'm talking about if she just rip it apart and she has to leave in your clothes like she has to leave in like sweat that's hot I don't have a gay brother she had a gay brother and she would come in I've been walking with her and she'd look at us and she'd go rough night last night I would rip her clothes off everything underwear socks pants she wanted you to rip her clothes apart and I would leave her panties on throughout this whole thing I would eat a pussy with the panties on guys love that and then I

would rip her fucking panties off but then she charged me 40 for a bra one time because the bra was a good bra that's hilarious pissed as a motherfucker 42 for a bra what are you kidding me they're expensive you better start getting those three for $10 oh pop was coming home for Thanksgiving you know that's how it is with me with that guy yeah a lot of people like people like when you rip their clothes off it's different and that's the adventures of life guys that's not being to me too this is what happens when you choose a life of debauchery no what did you call us before us what what you call you call

us a name grifters drifters this is what we do as comedians there's 15 to 18 percent of us that are grifters there's this there's something gene you have inside of you that makes you want to travel it's like a gypsy I found out something about you tonight like you've always been an entertainer yeah at 14 but you've also always flirted on the line of I can get raped you have a truck station like what I always like danger a little risk always I used to hitchhike when I was really young too like I just like always I think it's because I always like doing what people said I couldn't do you know so whatever it was

don't hitchhike don't hang out at truck stops don't smoke don't do I always wanted to look back at it now go Jesus fucking Christ it's crazy did you meet creepy people yeah but I also met really cool amazing people and I think I learned that there's a lot more good people than bad people like in my in my experience I met a lot of people that have really cool stories like I remember meeting I hitchhiked I forgot about this in Ohio I took a run no I picked up the hitchhiker I picked up the hitchhiker I was 16 I picked this guy up he was a rastafarian black dude he's from Jamaica I don't know why he was in Ohio but it

was raining and storming and I felt bad for him so I gave him a ride it's the first time I ever smoked weed was with that dude in my car in my little Ford Escort he was like you got to try it it's medicinal make you feel good he was telling me how they don't believe in modern medicine and then it was the first time also I ever heard Bob Marley he played Bob Marley for me I totally forgot about that and then I dropped him off and that was it it was totally safe and cool no sexual nothing nothing that when you were 14 going to the truck stops what was the scariest thing that happened to you with a guy there

honestly nothing scared me I never remember beings but I was so unaware and I wasn't cute I was never cute until I was like 25 so it wasn't like guys are looking at me I looked like a boy yeah let me tell you something I could get people to pay me $80 for Lee to suck that dick of the truck stop you understand me they're not looking for looks a little truck stop they're looking for meth and the subtle lips that's it I was always there with like a couple other older kids okay you know I was never by myself no because I was 14 but I hung out with like kids that were 17 back then so they would drive and we would go

there and we'd sit no okay that makes a big difference yeah I'm thinking I'm seeing a young girl not ready 14 and you know in a world of you know what type of guy that's a man could really look at a 14 year old it's gross I've never looked at a 14 fucking year old that's a limit when you look at a young girl go wow especially back then when you can really like really tell that they were 14 yes a little different now sometimes I see guys that I think must be like 30 and they're like 21 like I can't tell the difference anymore sometimes they're really young you know like even girls you can't tell anymore they all know how

to do makeup and like and girls out here get like their boobstone when they're 18 and I don't know it's different now I think plus they have sex younger I was talking to some kid the other day was like 15 he's like I lost my virginity when I was 12 like it's crazy to me I was 19 how old were you the first time you had sex because it was crazy I had different things happen like I have like fake that you play house with that you would like yeah make out with I don't even know what I did with them fake cousins what do you mean fake cousins like your

mom and another girl went to high school together they consider themselves sisters oh I see and then you had kids they have kids so as you guys were growing up you guys were considered cousins yeah they prayed that you married their son you know when you were both four they would go oh my god someday they're gonna be married but that never happens that's hilarious but sometimes when you're at that age you play house with your cousins so I remember I had my mom was partners of the dry cleaners and they had a girl named Evie and she was really cute and she was a little older than me and that was the first time I

ever saw like a hairy pussy like I didn't have hair and she did and on Friday nights we were allowed to watch TV till late the living room and she was the first girl like that like told me like well look at this and she showed it to me and no pussy and you know the whole thing and I was like and I can't tell you what I did with it I'd love to tell you that I fucked her I don't remember that because I was such a Catholic that yeah like it took me a long time to accept a blow job it took me a long time to like even though I'm so I always I remember even at very young I was boy crazy and I was always like I was always

really horny always but I was raised very Christian like don't do it till you're married and so even now as much of a freak as I am it's still hard for me to just have a hookup with like a random like it happens occasionally if I'm like fucked up partying but even now as open-minded as I am to like three Psalms and I like to fucking alleys and like crazy shit but I'm super picky still like I don't hook up a ton although I totally forgot this just happened this is crazy so you know I was a virgin when I got married and right after my marriage the first guy I dated was the only real boyfriend I've had

since we pretty much lived together more or less for a year this super hot like model type guy I haven't we dated for about a year he was too young he didn't really want a relationship I thought he was cheating I shouldn't have been in one I was still getting divorced so it didn't work we'd fight a lot and back then I was so much more jealous now I'm so chill back then I would get pissed if he was like out with a girl that he was friends with anything so we broke up I haven't seen him in four four and a half years or something he showed up in LA the other day I didn't know that he was even here and he messaged me like hey

I'm in town we should get a drink catch up so I went and had a drink with him it was so surreal because first of all at the time he was the first guy my sex with my ex I told you before wasn't right like we shouldn't have been really fucking right so this guy was the first guy I ever really felt like I had hot sex with but he was in some ways the first guy I ever really like had any kind of crazy sex with at all like he was the first guy that I like fucked in a bar the first guy that like he would pick me up when I would fly in he would pick me up at LAX and like I would literally be so hot to fuck him by the time I got to luggage I

would be like dripping literally dripping like one time I remember I didn't have underwear on I was like dripping and I would make him eat my pussy in the car on the way home because I couldn't wait so I hadn't seen him so now I see him it's so weird because I don't feel any of that attraction he's still hot but I didn't want him and we hung out we ended up going back to my place and just talking till like 4 a.m. about the whole thing and he kind of was like I think you were the one and I fucked up and I was like I don't think so I don't I don't think it was right and he was like I miss you and I was just like well thanks I

didn't know what to say and then he started kissing me and I didn't know what to do because he's really sweet and nice but I wasn't feeling it but I tried to go with it to see if it would come back and I started getting turned on but I didn't want to fuck him so I let him just go down on me so so he starts going down on me and I'm like wait just so you know I'm not gonna fuck you I'm not gonna touch your dick so if you don't you know if you're gonna be too turned on you should stop he's like that's cool so he goes down on me dude I don't know what happened since we broke up because I don't remember him eating pussy like

that or maybe I wasn't as sexual but oh my god it was like the best I've ever had it was so good I started reevaluating my whole life and thinking in my head like could I maybe date him again should I move him to LA like it was that good and he did it for so long so long like hours and then he kept being like you sure you don't want to fuck right and I was like yeah no don't want to fuck even though I really really did but I I just felt like since I said I wouldn't I had to stick to it so I didn't so I finally kicked him out at like 5 a.m. I didn't even let him spend the night because I was like if you stay we're gonna fuck you

gotta go and I had to get up at like 8 so I kicked him out so he left then the next night I ran into my other ex who I also haven't fucked in a really really long time who was the best sex in my life and I was so horny from the night before from letting oh gee go down on me all night even though I can't stand this other ex when I saw him everything in me was like you have to fuck him so I ended up going home with him and I think it was the best sex in my life I was telling you at the ice house I've never had this before so weird oh gee must be pissed if he hears this even like I said like it was all night and you bump into

the excellent he's next you know he's banging in the fucking muffler I'm but the problem is he wasn't in the muffler Joey but the problem is oh gee number one doesn't live here and two oh gee was like a real relationship that like it was very hard to get over like I really really had a hard time this other ex is one like the girl you were talking about that like we have hooked up on and off for like five years like pretty much since that dude but we can't date because he's crazy jealous to the point of like if you like my photo on Instagram he'll call me and be like you fucking Joey Diaz now you fucking least I like every guy so we

could never date because even if I'm with him and I look at my phone he's like who are you texting who are you so but the sex I mean it's fucking like it's so good when I masturbate he's the only guy I think about still after all these years we fucked on a trampoline I mean but here's the thing that night it's never happened to me before it was like he didn't even have to touch me if we were inches apart I could feel I could feel him without him touching me chemistry is real guys dude chemistry is real so real people do not believe in chemistry I know so real I had a dear friend for years that I knew it I knew why we were friends the chemistry the chemistry I knew it

and I knew it was just and we did we were friends for 12 years yeah but did you ever hook up oh yeah one night I dick busted because just once yeah that's it that's all we needed interesting the chemistry was so strong between us and you you'll see that in life you're gonna meet women that you think or guys that they're the perfect package that's happening they have a job yeah they're responsible but no chemistry and the opposite like I've hooked up with guys you know some of the guys I've hooked up with aren't that good looking but there's chemistry like for some reason something about you something about them something there's people who are perfect for you but your mother loves him he's in law school he got all A's he was a quarter back

and no chemistry but you're like this motherfucker is a sleeping pill I mean I've gone out with guys that are so perfect that I've tried to make them work and there's just no chemistry but they're boring they're vanilla am I blocking his camera no okay but then there's like the other thing though is I've read and I kind of am starting to believe this that if you feel that with someone some theories are that that means they're toxic for you because they fill something in you that you need on a base level which means you need them too much think about something you can write this down if you need to the people you've had the best sex with the most toxic other people you're the most toxic always if they take the most energy from you so you can't move forward yep you know they

always with this uh one of the way in the brother's daemon the one that's on lethal weapon the older one years ago he used to always go how come crazy bitches always have the best pussy at the time I was dating a crazy bitch and I had never experienced what I had experienced with this woman people always go well Joe Rogan always says you got you I was really terrible when I moved out like but when I stopped dating that girl my comedy blew up oh my god because she sucked the energy out of you Madonna fucked Guy Richie over Guy Richie's got no talent left because Madonna sucked his dick to all the talent left have you seen that movie with the guy from the son's anarchy it's so bad I watch it every time it's on HBO it's a joke guys so why do you keep watching it

because I love the guy from son's anarchy uh my point is that sometimes as somebody who's perfect for you they fill every gap except the gap it's true the gap I haven't found it ever that someone the sex is super duper hot and also they're actually good for me it's never happened to me in my life ever but it's interesting you said that what you just said because I swear to god I said it to Jessica my friend earlier today I said since the last guy dated and not just him but right around time stuff went down and I stopped seeing that guy also I cut I just cut a lot of people out that I felt like we're kind of a little toxic friends absolutely anyone that was dragging me down I tightened up my circle right I swear to god Joey and you've seen it I've

told you in the last like three months everything is starting to come together with my career and I'm so much more creative productive like I'm producing more shit I'm writing more and I know that's why because I finally just have this little tight circle of awesome people and also I don't give a fuck even though I hooked up with the dudes I don't care like I'm not trying to date anybody I'm just trying to focus on like my friends and my career and me for the first time I've never in my life put me first ever ever I've always put like my friends first the guy first and for once I'm being like yeah I don't really want to do that I'm just gonna do what I want you're staying in the comic which means you're on stage by yourself with a microphone yeah let me give

some shout outs real quick sherry robeck greg reid dominico salas ross verastro cash donovan jennifer perez pilot valda latisha keaton and my man up there at a true bjj matt motherfuckin baker up there in bakersfield running things we added an extra show on thursday night in salt lake city oh yeah eight o'clock show we had to add an extra show on thursday night and uh don't forget Kansas City uh august 9th to the 11th myself and dean del motherfuckin rizzy bitches so it's going to be a hell of a fucking show i gotta ask you something you said something very interesting that i just want to see what your take is on it i don't know if this is a selfish thing or this is something you need to do like there's an agent in the business and i was friends with this guy

and i swear to god one day i looked at his number and i'm like i'm never gonna call this motherfucker again and here we are seven years later you know he was a guy that got me independent work and i paid him 10 whatever he got me he was your agent yeah he was like an agent you know and somebody came to me about a year ago and said hey man i bumped into what's his name and he said you stop talking to him are you mad at him and i go no no no something else happened and then i pulled him aside i go bro you ever have somebody you have to stop talking to him because it's not getting anywhere anymore and he goes that happened to me recently is that something selfish that we do is it correct to do like is this the way you were raised lee or it's you were raised to do

something like this it's weird because it is different here i think because like i went through something recently super similar i had to basically break up with one of my best girlfriends because just over time i realized that it was becoming that relationship was becoming more work to sustain than it was good for me and it was more like i was putting as much energy into that as i was into my career and i think though everywhere else like when i lived in ohio chicago anyone you met was kind of an acquaintance they were a friend everyone was kind of there was no real big difference because you didn't meet as many people you didn't network it wasn't this industry la is all about meeting as many people as you can and learning what they do and who they are and everyone's like how

can this person help me and what can they do for me and so all the relationships as much as you want them to be just based on friendship there's always a slant to almost any relationship here so when i first got out here i remember thinking i swear to god i remember thinking man everybody i know who's really successful in this business is so fucking selfish all they care about is themselves they don't do anything back for anybody else and i used to think that was like an asshole quality but now that i'm getting to a point where i'm getting super busy it's so crazy you brought this up i've been struggling with it i've been having to really ask myself like what is it worth to make it in this business because it does get so busy especially

you're past it but the point where i'm at right now is like the top of the middle like the hardest part of the grind i was there yeah because i was there you were there too i know i know you're in the limbo well i'm just i'm so busy you're featuring and you're headlining it's not even that it's just it's just that i'm so busy right now but i'm i don't have quite the full team yet to help to help you you're stuck in limbo you're in the limbo it's a weird but the thing is that only the people above me like you know what that's like so my friends and the people kind of on my level or who haven't quite got there yet just think i'm blowing them off i'm being selfish so it's finally hit me those people i thought were selfish were just right here where i am now i'm here so i

get it but i didn't get it till i was here like lately you can see it on my social media i'm barely even posting because i've been so fucking busy i can't even look at my phone and when i do i gotta answer 40 messages from like work shit before i can get to writing a joke or texting a friend back so of course all my friends are gonna be like she doesn't give a fuck about me she doesn't answer me unless it's an emergency but it's not it's just i have to choose do i want to make it or do i want to have a million friends because at some point i feel like you have to pick and that's probably why it's loneliest at the top because you lose people on the way up but don't get it over the last three years i stopped talking to 20 people yeah that i didn't have to stop talking

i had to to move forward that's it because do you actively not talk to them or do you guys just drift apart is there a difference there's a little bit of both yeah there's a little bit of both for me too there's a little bit of both it's a little bit of both and sometimes you know listen people drift if they weren't really your friends they drift that's just the way life is it's the truth and this town people show up as your friends but they have a mitigating circumstance they want something from you ulterior motive and you get to see these people you get to be around them you get to see them and when they don't get what they want then you see how they change camps and you see how quick it is to get their respect and you're like wow they're doing all this when

all they have to do is work that was really hard for me though because like coming here maybe it's because i'm from the midwest or the way i was brought up but like that was really hard that was a thing i had to learn the last year really was like i saw a lot of people i kind of like let them go to see what would happen if i couldn't give them anything and i just saw so many people flip and i was like wow it's just i never i wasn't raised like this either yeah i wasn't raised to be like this either today yesterday a friend called and uh we have you know she lives in san francisco she used to live here she she came here to be a manager but you know what happens here and uh good lady you know she tried to help me she was hard she had no heart you know it wasn't what she

wanted to do and she moved on but we were still friends i know her husband you know and she called me to say hello and she was with somebody who one morning i had to stop being this person's friend after 10 years there's a comic that it just wasn't going anywhere as a comic that every conversation was negative and every conversation was negative in my direction because i was doing things she wasn't doing yeah you know she was mad at me and to be honest with you she was such a dear friend that before this whole podcast thing started she called me one day and she goes have you heard about the podcast didn't before i even met lee and i go yeah but she goes i like to do would you like to do them with me and i go i would love to do it with you because she's crazy and i go when

do you know how to do it and she goes well i my friend taught me how to tape and i could do it like okay when do you want to do it she goes would you come down here tomorrow like okay and i called her three days in a row i go she never called me back and i go this is the same person i've always known so i did the podcast with felicia like six months later and then she kind of said something to me one day that was kind of weird like you left me in the lurch and you know when you want to yell at somebody and you go i'm not even gonna fucking go there yes and then me and lee did something and she lived around the corner and she showed up at one of our events kind of drunk and she started a fight with a gay guy in the back room oh my god and then another

time she showed up at my house and caused controversy that's bad too when someone's embarrassing oh my god makes you look bad that too and this was going on for the years and i tolerated it because of our friendship but now that we're in this type of league and all this stuff is going on she called me one night and she was like uh i'm at the economy store and they won't let me in who do these fucking people think they are and i go can i ask you a question she goes well i go who the fuck do you think you are yeah why would they just let you in i don't fucking you i go you don't even do counting them she goes yeah but i'm down here to to this i go listen that's not the way it works i was at home i go there's nothing i can do for you yeah you're not even there and she'd like

told me off on the phone like go fuck yourself and then one morning i was having no surgery no big deal i'm gonna go there at nine in the morning i'll be home by lunchtime right like i hadn't heard from her in like eight months and right before i'm going to surgery my phone's blowing up in surgery even the nurses do you want to check what that is it could be an emergency and it's her and she's like i just read on twitter you're having surgery i'll never forget this she goes oh my god why am i the last to know and i go because you never called me back to do that fucking podcast you fucking dummy i go do me a favor go fuck yourself you're gonna call me and make me feel bad because like she was like a fake friend all those years so to make a long

story short like that was it like that was the last time i spoke to her and yet today or yesterday her friend called and she goes she's here with you do you want to speak to her and i go why you put me in this fucking position and i felt weird later on i go you know and when you grow nothing bothers me more than when people don't grow yeah nothing bothers me more than when you're befriend somebody and you're kind of colleagues with them and then you grow and they don't grow and they get mad at you because they don't grow right totally also though like i i'm kind of like a guy which is why a lot of my friends are guys but in the way i communicate i am not passive aggressive ever like i say what's wrong immediately because i just want to fix it like if i had

something with you i would call you and that's the other thing you fucking talk on the phone anyone that won't pick up the phone and fucking talk to me at this point in my life especially now i get why you're like that because you probably get a billion fucking texts a day and you don't want to read a paragraph and it takes so long to text back it's so much easier to call i can't tell you i've cut people out just because they won't call me that's it if you are texting me more than three sentences you have to fucking call me because i don't have time so if they won't call and they're being passive aggressive and i don't know what's wrong i used to let like try to figure it out so i'm the middle child i would be like why what's wrong what did i do

why why are you talking to me now i'm like all right i give up and i just cut it off like everything it's making me lonelier because i have less friends but it's making me happier because i have better people well that's the thing that's the that's the decision you have to make you know i still talk to my friends from childhood yep i make it a habit every day to talk to one of i today how to yell at george you know that's my favorite when i yell at george because he's coming out here to do that fucking comic con oh that's cool and he torments me to go down there the chances of getting me in san diego you got a better chance to be fucking making a new snag of myself it's the worst drive it's the worst you'd have to fly yeah take the train well that like

that that's what it's kind of going down it's kind of i've never been though i would love to go to that it's kind of twofold because i didn't really experience it too much before i started doing stand up because i would have friends from work i didn't really have too many friends out here to be honest but it is kind of weird being in LA just because everyone who comes out here it's the vacate it's like the dream vacation for them so i had a friend out here last week who friday at 3 p.m. texted me comes hang out with us in hermosa beach and thankfully i had a show to do so i said no but they just like they think that you're just having fun all the time so you could drop everything and go to hermosa so that's tough i haven't really had to break up with a friend yet

but it is like i always now that i know i've heard these stories about other comics i am a little bit i do put up a little bit of a wall at the open mics like there's some there's some people that i'm friendly with but i also i i'm very cautious around people now from hearing these stories i used to just fucking talk i would just fucking talk i believed everybody not throw shade just be open yeah the way i talk to you i would just i would tell the truth to everybody and share my feelings and i forget if it was you someone said to me oh i think it was dice he said no one is your friend in this town remember that until they approve it and i was like that's that's a terrible way to be but it's kind of fucking true because it's happened before where i've shared too much

with someone and then found out later like they weren't really a friend and now i'm like fuck i never should have told him that story when you tell somebody something and they kind of like use a genshin you're like that's the creepiest thing i've ever heard in my life yeah i read these little people sent me shit a couple weeks ago somebody posted a reddit thing a guy it was beat up joey dea's week remember he posted a trend on reddit that was brilliant about like the like raw people and that no way yeah if you someone goes into the facebook group for the podcast and it's like i don't like joey dea's and even the people in the group were like why are you here well like they're so stupid even going there in the first place because all your fans are going to just

like destroy them you don't even have to say anything guys forget the fans forget all this shit when you decide to get into the comedy business way before i decided to get into the comedy business like i thought about it i'm like people are not gonna like me the same way i don't like such and such like when i got into comedy i watched a ton of comedy we all do yeah we've all watched a ton of comedy and you since you've never done it you're a fan of everybody's right like since you haven't done it you're a fan of everybody's but there's two or three people that you don't really think much of right okay that's natural that's me as a comic yeah it's just like music you know like certain songs when i got into comedy show i decided right then and there

right then and there when i got on stage in 91 that people were not gonna like me that's good that you did that this is the craziest thing i never even thought i thought about was i was bombing all those years because i was in the midwest yeah doing pussy eating jokes guys do you know what i am like that must have gone great yeah this has not been a fucking action adventure lineup i never even thought about it yeah i was in denver i'm i was in the midwest i was a widow you know they don't know i'm cuban they don't give a fuck i'm just a guy remember i cut my teeth in liam and montana it's amazing and august in utah and you know so i was just like a big fucking widow so you like me or you didn't so when i go on youtube and oh i hate reading the

comments and i read a comment and somebody doesn't like me it doesn't bother me i could look you in the face and tell you that i'm already programmed because i know as a as a human being that if we all liked vanilla it would be a boring fucking world if we all liked florida it would be a boring fucking world that's why i like outspoken people when somebody goes you know what i really don't like las regas i'll look at them and go why not tell me your reasoning i'll know if that person is faking the funk yeah like i remember one time being at that diner 101 i love that place i love that place the coconut milkshake with the eggs for breakfast fucking delicious i'm gonna go in there late night and eat aren't they open late yeah till like three or four three of the four yeah

but i remember one night i had my conversation with a waitress there she goes if you ever left here where would you go they thought i'm gonna be old someday maybe i go to vagus and get like a residency and right away she started with that silver lake lingo that self corporate environment of capitalism how can you even want to be an artistic how can you have artistic freedom working in las vegas and a capitalist you know those people i can't i don't want to be around those fucking people that's true those are the people i can't stand yeah me neither give me a reason you know what every time i go to vegas i see i feel a disparity in the air i do i do i feel i do it a lot i feel the money need i feel the need for friendship i need people who really go to vegas

who really think they're gonna fall in love that does happen i feel that vegas i feel so bad i like going into the cheap casinos in vegas where you can still smoke in the whole casino but like the ventilation is not that good like the the old ones and you don't even have to go to old vegas like even on the strip there are still a few yeah and it's so different because you can tell looking at the clientele in those ones those are the people that are there because they either need to make money it's a more desperate clientele it's not the tourists that are on vacation but that is like the best people watching because those are the people you're talking about that are like either old guys trying to just make enough to buy some hot girls to drink so they can maybe get fucked

or a little take a little money to the strip club or old ladies with white hair playing like penny slots like i love watching that see that's the one that i don't like is the older women at the slots it makes me feel sad like they're like they're spending all their money really but i do like there's always the time that you brought me to the u of c like i stayed an extra night went to like a really seedy casino it's just that like that's why i fell in love with blackjack not even like the winning but just the like camaraderie at the table like these older guys were like and my mom has a saying that every gambler almost won like so i whenever i hear someone saying stuff like that i think of her but he had a story like they wouldn't let me make a bet

and i would have won ten thousand and he was going off and telling the story and and yelling at the at the dealer that he fucked him last night but like in a funny way like it's it's yeah everyone has a sad story of like how they almost made ten grand dude the first time i ever i was old the first time i ever actually gambled in vegas because i was always like afraid because i'm so addictive i was scared to bet and i walked in a casino with some somebody i can't remember who it was a friend a guy we walked up to a war table you know that game war he put down a hundred bucks guy goes war whatever we won so a hundred bucks just like that i was like oh fuck this is easy so i immediately thought everybody just wins in vegas so the whole rest of the week i tried to

make money and i just lost i think i lost like a thousand bucks or something like that which at the time was a lot i was like 25 i never gambled in vegas since then i don't gamble when i go there because i'm so scared that i'll get hooked and lose all my money so if you see me gambles with someone it's because like i sat at a table and some dude handed me money like then i'll play but i'm not playing with my money ever but i have won twenty dollars a few times with other people's how often does that happen how often are you in vegas and that old dude just hands you 500 dollars if you're a girl and you stand at a table where a bunch of guys are playing long enough someone is giving you money to play definitely it's fucking crazy but not a lot i mean guys will

just buy you in and give you a few chips it's never happened to me like in the movies but i'm also usually dressed in like flannel and a hacks i just did a show or something i'm never like in a hot dress maybe it'd be different that'd be a good experiment i don't know and i never go to the baller tables whatever there's like high why wouldn't that be the place to do it there i have so many empty seats because i'm always when i'm in vegas i'm always working so it's always i'm always in like comedy clothes never like when i go to the fights i dress up i love that you work a lot okay i really lately i'm like non-stop it's good good for you man and it shows it shows i see it i see people talking you get on the the other day you post a picture of you with those little

baseball titties with some other with some other chick with the bikini one i looked at it and i'm like the fucking internet's gonna collapse today oh the pool the pool party i don't know what the fuck it was you in a bikini the black bikinis with a little bally monkey oh that yeah you look beautiful thank you but i'm like she's busting the fucking computer today but you're always doing today's it's weird because i try to post less sexy photos now than i used to just because like i i know um i want to be more seen for comedy but every once in a while i'm like fuck yeah i'm gonna be i'm gonna be old soon you know why not i still got i say one day i'm gonna look back and go god damn i wish i could wear that which i still will i don't show you pussy yet don't i never

gonna show that's the i've never done topless either one that's the age that's now you can do topless at this stage what the fuck no i'm gonna wait pussy for the last week that's the last card right there i'm gonna wait till i'm 80 to show the call it the hobby winstein that's the end but you're always working man you hustle you're hot every night you do brian monarch i mean you do fucking everything you know and like i totally you know i respect that when i see dean i know who's faking the funk you know i know who's staying home you see it yeah and i know who complains and then i'll do the work and then i see you know that that i came home and told my wife that time i mean you know i just bumped into kate she just did the weekend in connecticut

and she took a six a.m flight with me she didn't sleep neither did i she's gonna go home sleep and do a 9 30 spot at the store on a sunday night when i asked her i go why are you doing that she goes you can't pass up a spot at the store and i go that's why i like kate oh thank you that little statement right there when you know you can't pass up a spot at the store but then this is every time that the economy store sets their schedule up i watch the retweets and i see fucking oh here we go again it's macho night at the economy store just these angered woman comics fucking bitching about the lineup at the store and you've never and you're not even irregular at the store and you get 20 spots in there a week and fucking that's just the way life is yeah so i give fucking people respect

who deserve respect it's that easy like i'm sick and fucking tired and i have been sick and fucking tired like my phone stopped ringing in 2007 the misery calls those i used to call those misery calls you know after i did the longest yard for two or three years in spider-man yeah i would get misery calls from comics every day no i need to do you know your rogan call adam sandler just a dumbest shit i never know what to say when people ask me what they need to do because i don't really know i just worked that's it that's it i know i never but people ask all the time well what what do i do i don't fucking know that's how i lost a lot of those friends of yeah yeah that's how you would be like well you get so many spots how do i how do you get those spots you know what i used

to do to get the fucking spots when i first started i swear to god this is the truth on facebook everybody posts flyers for every shit show in town anything a bar a coffee shop whatever it is right every flyer i would see i would look at who produced it or was hosting it no matter where it was and i would add that person as a friend and i'd message them every couple weeks and just go hey if you ever have a spot if you ever have a spot and i would get up any fucking spot in town i could and that's how but the other thing is i was just nice and i never asked for shit i never asked you to do this podcast ever i never asked anyone for anything i just fucking be nice and wait that's it but i think a lot of people like they just they don't want to do the shows that no one's

listening the biggest mistake you make in my world is asking me to do this podcast yeah i know i know because you're just telling me you're just telling me not to put you on the fucking podcast i want to see something yeah i gotta see you doing something on social media i gotta see you doing something man yep i if i don't know you how can i put you on this fucking podcast what are we gonna talk about yeah like it's different if it's someone i've had that they want to promote something yeah but even promoting i mean if they podcast go on the fucking radio oh yeah totally you know i don't mind people telling people dates i do it all the time but like all that other shit like when people hit us up and i'll tell you even in the sponsor department like i was getting hit up to do movies and maybe

bring like the third actor on the list to the show yeah and i thought about it i told that company now not for what they wanted to pay us and what we were gonna do i was gonna compromise the audience exactly you can't i don't know these people yeah i don't know nothing about these people for the for the little bit of change i was gonna make i wasn't a lie to my audience about the movie that's how i fucking guy that i don't i don't know these people yeah that's how i am with ads on my instagram like people like hold our shake take it i'm like fuck that if send it to me if i like it i'll think about it yeah that's it people think like it's uh i can't wait to get like amelia amelia's done the podcast a thousand times he's gonna be on mayans he's the one of the leads

on mayans that starts on fx or uh september for it i'm gonna have him on you know john brunato i hope to get him on in august you know these are guys that they listen i've known him for years no i know i just don't want to bother him i don't like bothering people you know it's a good example is like i haven't done rogan and like every week maybe five or six people will tweet about it and i never even i would never in a million years like reply back oh yeah i wish or even like it or ask what about people retweet that stuff i feel like it's joe show if he wants me or ask me why the fuck would i bother him or engage you know what i mean that he'll walk in the store one night into the original room or into the main room when you're on stage killing yeah and you say something

that makes him laugh and that's it you got him i know joe i know joe for 20 years yeah and i know exactly how his mind works and joe is like so good to me and always gives me good advice and like he's great i actually think joe is so sweet i think he's so great but like that's what i'm talking about though like i can't imagine when people ask me even i'm like what why it's it's so awkward because they put you on the spot and then what are you supposed to say how many podcasts do you have now well date fails is the podcast i love your date fail yeah the date fails cool but the one i'm so stoked about having you on is the hollywood pool party which so i used to do it as a livestream so far monday have a 10 30 in hollywood and i'm waiting to hear back to see if this lady could

she wants to see me at one in the valley but mercy doesn't get out of school till four just let me know i would have to blow up i asked my wife my wife wait 10 30 in hollywood and then one in the valley maybe you could come do it in between something like that something like that dude it's so 10 30 is a pitch so i don't know exactly i don't know what it's gonna fucking entail yeah this all came about we can play by your your special but mercy i want you to tape it so i can have mercy on it yes so my wife just bought a fucking thing she went to big lots and the lady goes you know we have a sale for and i have an extra coupon from the manufacturer because my wife goes there a lot yeah so my wife goes for $79 this was perfect joey and it comes

to the blower it's a pool it's a fucking a slide is it an inflatable pool with the slide oh my god i have one but it's not the basketball court yours has a basketball she has a basketball court so you fucking we got it in the backyard i'm so excited with the sprinkler that comes out so you stand on the side with the microphone and if it's really hot the sprinkler hits you i was gonna say joey spends all day in this thing no dude i have booms we can do it in the pool i went out there the other day with her she was out there it was like a hundred degrees in the backyard we did it we had a fucking blast her and i and my wife put the whole fucking thing together my wife was back there putting fucking things stakes to drag so excited i'm so excited we don't fuck around we have to do

it at your place that yeah that's what i said to you because mercy had to do it with you and let her be the star you can't curse no of course she'll do the bikini with you in the whole fucking deal oh my god girl on there to give you some flavor this is literally it's like my favorite show when i brought you guys over the end i did that for a reason she knew it like i said i said she goes daddy you have to work like yeah and she goes are you gonna come back earlier do you want me to sleep in your bed and watch the bed for you and i'm coming back early and she goes so are you gonna have your friends with you like oh leeson will be with me and she goes why don't you bring me back and why don't you have a party here so i we just have an after party and she goes yeah let's

have an after party my wife's like what are you guys talking about and i'm like well i have an after party like at 10 30 and my wife is telling like she's gonna be sleeping i'm like no she's not mercy will wake up for us why would i have to party and mercy is like lees coming we have to get beats i go lees coming and so is k quickly you never met k she's probably gonna show up with bikini i had her all shut up and my wife is just shaking her head so we walked in there at 10 o'clock at night your poor wife man she's like half asleep i felt so bad she was half asleep with the babies fucking straight up and i'm telling the hewie dewey and louie we're watching the hewie dewey and louie that told us that cousin stewie's doing 10 years for fucking bonding bezel meant and she got pissed

off at me she's like don't say that to me about stewie there's no stewie she was also in her pajamas and you were like gonna make us some cocktails or something like you brought up cocktails and she's just like let her fly she didn't respond yeah she doesn't respond to it because she knows i'm breaking the ball she's so funny and then she was mad they put the wrong name on her on her doll she made it school she said they wrote hannah my name is mercy not hannah she's all she is so cute she's so sweet though i mean she's like you when you're not podcasting or doing comedy she's got your like hold you know what i love about you i i fucking this is i swear to god when i saw you at the airport in new york at jfk when we were on that same flight every time i see you from a hundred

yards away you have the most shit eating grin on your face always always you always have a big ass smile and that's what it is about you like you tell dirty jokes but you're just fucking like you just exude light like warm like you're just so warm what what is it that at the end of the day do are we really really angry about yeah when you really really think about it we're so lucky all the anger i carried in me in my 20s which some of it was due to life i still had anger in me in my 30s still had anger in me in my 40s and in my 50s i still have this anger in me and just recently i woke up one day and i go you know what listen here it is plain and simple i work eight times a fucking month and i leave my house six days a month and i make a living you have a good life

and i get to go to my daughter's events i'm not missing meals but i'm not getting rich either i'm not lucy k or kevin hard and guess what guys i don't want to be you don't need to i don't want me i am very happy you know i am very happy coming over here with lee you know lee's employed this is this is a dream come true when i when i used to go to the open mics with lee and i'd sit there i'd look at these guys and i go this was me 25 fucking years ago sitting there dreaming about performing at the comic store the impromptu the live factories getting flown in you know i didn't have any there was no tv there was nothing people like well you know listen well i wanted to do is be fucking funny i didn't give a fuck about booking rooms i didn't

give a fuck about headshots i didn't give a fuck i knew at the end of the fucking week if you couldn't do the job on that stage this whole thing's in vain if you're gonna be smoking mirrors because there's they used to be a fucking uh oil commercial years ago and the model for them was you gonna get pay me now or you could pay me later that's never left me that means you're gonna do the work now or you could do the work there it's up to you but you're gonna do the fucking work you have so roll up your fucking sleeves take the bad look off your face yep and prepare each shit for 10 fucking years before you see anything i've been here 12 years yeah i feel like finally for 10 fucking years before you see anything who the fuck are you who owes you anything you fucking

suck of shit prepare to be here 10 years before anybody even says i'll owe you it's fucking 10 years and then maybe maybe if you're fucking lucky somebody will fucking talk to you it's true it's fucking true this isn't you know the other day uh brenner sat in that chair and i've been thinking about the statement i made and you know what's fucking crazy that you really think about and you're like you know what i'm gonna go into the fucking laugh after one day night yeah and being a six-year comic six-year comic but the last three committed like i don't know what you're talking about i don't know netflix what's netflix pussy i know cocaine and comedy yeah and how to drive a fucking car to the next gig that's all i fucking knew and i went to an open mic i went

to a latino night at the fucking laugh factory and i saw a kid by the name of johnny sanchez go up there oh i love johnny and do a joke about no parking in my parking whenever you see irish and in fucking europe they're jumping up and down and that at the end of the fucking week it's the same cousin to the guy in glendale and then the fucking i forget who else went up um somebody else went up that that was brilliant at the time but then pablo francisco went up and i ruled the room yeah he was doing voices and he did the whole cast of sign felt in spanish and guys i sat there and i was like oh my god i'm moving back to Seattle i'm not coming down here i'm not ready for this listen there's a thousand people kate

and you have to think about this there's a thousand people that are sad reality they're a lot more talented than you they're a lot more talented than me and lee they're a lot more talented than you i'm sorry to bring that news to you sorry i agree i would agree with all three you guys including myself there's people who fucking really talented out there yeah but you let me tell you what the real talent is thick skin that's so true that's the time i've seen it i've lived it i've been here you can tell me every story you fucking want yeah i've seen you know i've seen it all i've seen it all you know i also saw dave grow be a drummer on nirvana and now he's one of the greatest performers in the world on foo fighters amazing he sat there and played it out yeah he did this time

this is all about time the talent isn't that you are a fucking prodigy elbow he's a 21 year old prodigy look at him on stage bitch it takes a lot more than being a prodigy to survive at the fucking comedy store tenacity so just remember that the talent is not playing the piano and singing and jumping up and down and yeah you're gonna have talent on some people fucking phenomenal on fucking twitter and facebook and social media they're gonna get 200 million views but the talent is us continually driving to whatever comedy club to do that midnight spot well you gotta love it and you gotta love it because even if you get kevin hart huge at some point kevin hart's slope starts to go like this and then it might come back like this and like i mean it it's always up and

down no matter how famous you get in this business so if you don't love it like that story i told on here about chappelle and go to the store on a monday night at 1am if you don't love it enough for that then why are you doing it because the fame the money like the level of fame that you're at people know you because they're a fan they like what you do they don't know you because they read about you in a tabloid they saw a photo of you out with kim kardash and they know you because they like you i'm not my gig my gig is not to go to parties my gig is not to hang out with nobody i don't want to know but nothing like that my gig has always been to your comic i never told nobody i'm a director lisa yet seven years you've been around you ever hear the word producer come out of my

mouth not really i'm a fucking dirty comic bitch that's what i'm saying day one to day two you know i'm no better than you motherfucker remember the day i went on i went on an audition a few weeks ago and i called joey the minute i got out do you remember i called you and i said this was the worst fucking bullshit audition that i had to go in there and the premise of the show is they play a comedian's bit and then they have another comedian act out the bit but i had to lip sync the bit like i had to fucking they played the jokes on tape and i had to lip sync it like i was lip syncing a song but i didn't know that's what it was going to be so halfway through i stopped it and went wait a second i'm lip syncing her jokes people know i'm a comic and they were like right

and i was like yeah i'm not doing this and i just laughed and i called joey and was like listen to this and he was like fuck that shit we're comics we don't fucking audition for that bullshit what comics that was to me i was like that's why i fucking love joey because you just got it there's rules well why would i do that this is the dumbest shit i've ever heard lip sync someone else's jokes is retarded it's not even acting you weren't even reading the lines you were lip syncing this is the dumbest shit i wish i could say the show but i won't fucking that the problem is we forget in the middle of everything with the parties the tabloids and the e tv sometimes we forget that we're just dirty comics and we're just here to replace somebody

and that's all that's the only self-importance we have i'm a dirty comic but you know what's nuts is lately i'm so passionate about work not just like not just listen like the pool party show is my favorite like i fucking love doing it it's dumb but it's fun it's funny like people tell funny hollywood stories and last in the last week i think i did like 10 spots two of my podcast like three of other people's i'm trying to sell a show so i had a few meetings and i did five episodes of the pool party or whatever i was literally not sleeping i mean i was sleeping how long is the pool party it's 10 minutes we filmed for 25 we cut it down to like 15 yeah it's short great for you yeah it's perfect it's perfect and it's all the point of it is to break the illusion that hollywood is

glamorous so the whole point is like you take like a job you book like the longest yard but then you think of like the moments on that that were like awful or like a terrible audition that you thought was going to be amazing and it turned out to be like a shit like the guy jerked off in the casting room or like just shit like that that breaks the illusion that hollywood is like we're also it's all fame and makeup and red carpets and you're like no bitch like two bucks that way next to the oscars is like tent city where like guys are pissing on each other in the middle of the night you know so um but my point is i wasn't sleeping i've never been busier but i love everything i'm doing right now so much that like i went to a party the other night one night and it was a big

hollywood party like john mayer was there like all these celebrities were there i swear to god joey i walked into this party i was there for like half an hour i was like why am i here i could be editing this fucking pool show right now i don't give a fuck about this shit i'm leaving and i just called an uber and left and that was the first time i ever was like all i really care about right now is what i'm making i really don't give a fuck about who doesn't like me who talks shit who's anything else right now nothing else but i'm so happy not the reason why yep yours is just to do or die that's it but we have forgotten this as americans we forget this yours is not the reason why what are you asking questions all you gotta do is keep showing up

show up and do what makes you happy what's coming up for you what dates you got oh thanks for asking uh well tuesday night i promise to him tuesday night i'm at the comedy store for comedy chaos a sick lineup um but i'm going to connecticut not this weekend next weekend so it's the 19th through the 21st mohegan sun uh comics yes comics you've done that place right i'm gonna see you really yes oh yeah the one that wants to have a threesome with me yeah ah fuck well um maybe send me photos tweet me photos i'm due for some sex you know other than my exes i hadn't fucked in like two months so and then anyway i got august 1st through the 5th minnesota and then i got sonny vell uh roosters have you played that joint ever rooster let me know how it is yeah i heard it's good yeah it was

really popular when i moved here really and it went through different ownership so i don't know what's really going on up there anymore me neither but it's like a two hour drive right four hour drive i think it's more i think it's like five i'm gonna fly really i'm not driving really cool neighborhood sonny vell i heard it's dope yeah and i've never done that area but there was an owner for us for a while they were just doing clean comedy they've gone through so yeah they've gone through so many different things over the year i really don't know what's up i heard it's i heard it's good from a few people we'll see but i'm excited just because i haven't headlined that area yet like san jose ish area so and then hopefully we'll go to cleveland together and i hope so you

know no you're in you're in that would be dope when we do uh hilarities on mother f***ing port street i would love with k quigley's homecoming and s*** and uh i got to just plug the photo shoot with holly randall because we're trying to get that's the one we're talking about right the one that you put up and you had your little titties oh no we haven't shot it yet the one that we're doing the kickstarter for so holly's like a legend in like the adult world but i won't be nude but holly's like one of the only female directors and photographers who shot for playboy and stuff and she wants to shoot me but she has this idea to do like a sexy clown like a clown that's like really like kind of gothic and sexy whatever so we're trying to raise money for it and then we're

gonna do like really cool implied nudes so nothing where i'll be naked but i'll have like my boobs covered but i won't be wearing clothes i can't advocate that why you told me to do it nothing naked nothing you can't advocate that s*** nothing but they're gonna be like artsy like you're hanging a museum like playboy with the other hand in that we gotta go let's go i can't if you're gonna show that pussy show me that clip i can't don't dress up like clown and joey jesus christ no the clown thing is gonna be like harley quinn but like black and white it's gonna be cool i want to see you in a holly quinn nobody wants to see in a holly quinn yes they do joey you're ruining it but i don't want to see nothing but we're gonna let people come watch they don't want to come watch and

hang out come on set and come watch you naked no come watch the photo shoot no listen if you're naked people want to come if you got clothes on well they implied nude part there will be i will be naked how do they imply that you're nude i'm gonna be totally naked but i won't show my pussy or nipple so it'll be like those side angle shots where it's like there's not clothes but you're naked do you know i'm saying okay like pregnant women take to showcase their bellies what do you think she was doing what do you think that meant and the clown one is gonna be cool because i'm a comedian but they're sexy it's supposed to be like a comedy hot photo but that took two weeks by and fucking cheap and shoes plus the fucking rock candy show you know just tell the people to support it Jesus

christ we only need to raise a little money and they get to come watch if they live in the area really yeah so you don't let people come watch you they have to turn in their phone at the fucking door and yeah that's the high background check no we're not security i'm gonna have security what if you're taking pictures of the little nipples on and some guy runs up takes his dicks on lucy k's on you shoots a little as long as he's standing far enough away where it won't hit me i don't really don't give a fuck i'm very chill don't invite that that's like when he said you wanted to be homeless for a summer you can't invite i still kind of want to try that this is why i love you because you got a sense of humor you take everything for what it is and the more i see the

more you fucking grow last week when i was on rogan i was talking about this thing i go to people at grade over there in u.s cryotherapy oh i want to go there uh it's in uh u.s carol therapies and ventura boulevard but i was talking about the thing that they have called novathor and i took the thing for rogan and i checked it out and this fucking thing does a lot man it decreases inflammation it improves lymph draining and improves blood circulation increases energy promotes cellular rejuvenation reduce obesity as part of a diet and exercise program and for performance and recovery improved muscle strength reduced post exercise soreness decrease this this is fucking crazy shit so if you live in the area here by myself or bird or any of us or even the

hollywood area i think this is the only place they have this novathor bed and it's u.s cryotherapy in studio city call up does it get hot or anything or is it just you feel like it's lying down it's warm and you sleep like a baby at night it's fucking tremendous you gotta take me there sometime i've always loved i love all that shit you know me i've never done either the cryo thing if you go to u.s cryotherapy tell them i sent you from the podcast to church i'll probably give you a couple dollars well i think if you're going there the first time one time it's like 26 bucks oh that's not bad no i want to try it just to test yourself yeah just to really fucking test your head to so you go in there with earplugs on you go in there with gloves on underwear they give you

socks what about your eyes that's gotta be crazy your eyes are fine okay you get your favorite fucking song negative how long you in there three minutes and 30 Jesus Christ it is tremendous how cold is it couple i don't know 150 degrees i used to surf in the winter and that fucking water hit your face oh so you go in there and it starts and the music comes on loud i put Madonna burning up or i'll put Madonna physical attraction where it makes me dance and shit like her punches anyway listen the podcast is brought to you by my favorite on it they got a product called alpha brain which gets you fucking sharpening a motherfucker and it's their flagship if you don't like the product they'll give you your money back and then i want the product like that's how much

they believe in alpha brain this is i'm talking about on it on it does not fuck around i've been messing around without it for nine years i've known Arbery for years Rogan's turned me out to some of their products i go to jujitsu i drop on those shroom tech sports right do i not do that fucking jujitsu things with you guys the conditioning hector was saying today that you weren't like you don't you don't you never sit down like in between rounds no i don't sit down i that's that's the character that's the character you don't sit down you breathe it out and you walk around and you maintain and you breathe and you think about clarity you think because that's what beliefs taught us when she came on the podcast that breathing clears your mind you know it's

so many things that you learn from breathing but that's not what we're talking about good get the fucking shroom tech go to honor dot com right now and press in church bam and get 10 off your order number two you want a gi you want fucking shin guards you want boxing gloves you want when you go to muay thai class you want the best you gotta deal with fuji how do i know because i live fuji i breathe fuji they're geese in my world a tip top magoo people give me other geese people give me other geese from other companies they're nice geese but nothing serves the purpose like a fuji gi that fucking superredo that sakai point two even just the all-purpose gi that's 96 dollars rain nine dollars listen go to fuji sports dot com right now you're looking for a tough gi

you're a big guy you get an a5 or an a6 from fuji they also have rash guards do yourself a favor go to fuji sports dot com right now and press in church bam get 10 off the liberty house plus the help out the podcast all right i want to thank my queen the queen of the church quick okay quick wait fucking hi i love you man it's funny i could talk to you for oh me too i you're one of my all-time favorites and the people like you i just don't want to put you on every other week as people get distraught but i wouldn't have anything to say you're always welcome here thank you for your stories i love you mother fuckers they had an extra show in utah so we got a thursday night show bring the fucking bongs and then me and dean del rizzi

are rolling into kc mo at the improv thursday friday saturday october ninth no october august ninth tenth and eleventh are you are you fucking kidding me or what anyway i love you guys thank you very much for watching the show thank you for listening thank you for supporting thanks scott cunningham for running the uh facebook page and everybody on there that shows love listen we're a fucking family i'm with you you're with me and they want to be with us i want to thank k quigley and i want to thank my main man the christ killer for always making it happen have a great weekend and i'll see you motherfuckers monday morning tip top magoo ready to rock let's do this shit lee end of week all fucking good let's do this shit lee what do you got oh oh oh yeah

oh shit we love you have a great weekend oh yeah i like this it holds my cruise behind me mad question asking blood passing music lasting but i just can't quit because one of these emmy's bicky got to creep with sleeps with keep the epa secret why not why blow up my spot cuz we both got hot now check it i got more max than kraig and in the bed believe me sweetie i got enough to feed the need no need to be greedy i got mad friends with benzy by the layers true fucking players jump in the rover and come over tell your friends jump in the gm3 i got the chronic by the truth throw your hands in the air and use a true player

to the honeys getting money playing niggas like dummies you got a gun up in your waist please don't shoot up the place because i see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby uh baby uh straight up honey really i'm asking most of these niggas think they be macking but they be acting who they are tracking with that line what's your name what's your sign soon as he buy that wine i just creep up from behind and ask you what your interests are who you be with things to make you smile what numbers to dial you're gonna be here for a while i'm gonna call my crew you go call your crew we can run they fool at the bar around too plans to leave though the keys the little seeds pull the truck up front and roll up the next block so we

can steam on the way to the telly go fill my belly a t-bone steak cheese eggs and whilst just great cover safe for a few because in our few we gonna do what we came to do ain't that right bulls forget the telly we just go to the crib and watch a movie in the jacuzzi smoke elves while you're doing it throw your hands in the air if you's a true player to the honeys getting money playing niggas like dummies you gotta come up in your ways please don't shoot up the place because i see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby baby how you living biggie smalls imagining bids is giving ends to my friends and it feels stupid tremendous cream fuck a dollar and a dream still took out strap

with infrared beans chopping oil smoking line after modes money holes and clothes all the niggas know a fool is pleasure whatever i had to find the buried treasure so grams i had to measure however living better now who she's sweating now drop top bm's i'm the mad girl honey check it check tell your friends to get with my friend your friend we can be friends shit we can do this every weekend that's right is that i with you yeah keep banging when you're going to throw your hands in the air if you's a true player to the honeys getting money playing niggas like dummies you gotta come up in your ways please don't shoot up the place because i see some ladies tonight

this should be having my baby baby