Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #602 - Bobby Lee

Episode Date: July 24, 2018

Bobby Lee, comedian, actor, and the host of the "TigerBelly" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:    Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first THREE meals for free.    ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 07/23/2018.


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tell you what you're gonna do with your life blue apron you're looking at me joy what's blue open blue apron delivers from fresh ingredients and step-by-step recipes to your door you understand me what you get last week Lee oh I got some amazing stuff I got steak and cheese subs I've gotten Korean beef bowls are delicious that's what I'm talking about skip meal planning yet straight to cook them with blue apron now what I'm gonna do is this check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free free gratis on the arm nothing Niente at blue apron dot-com slash Joe you're getting that's blue apron dot-com slash

Joey to get your first three meals for free blue apron a better way to cook take that meal Lee oh shit the church what's happening now Monday morning Tuesday morning whatever the fuck it don't matter you're slinging dick and saluting the flag yeah my little brothers in the house little Bobby Lee for your motherfuckers on a Tuesday morning oh shit the flying Jews here aka the Christ killer and your uncle Joey oh shit oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah open it open it I went I went I went come on let's go me to let's do it yeah oh yeah oh yeah it's too big it's too big it's too big

give it to me Papa rip rip rip rip give me that fortune cookie a little dirty Bobby Lee's in the house the church what's happening now what's happening little brother what do you do you know you texted me yesterday little brother little this little that I know but the thing is is that just because I'm smaller than you doesn't mean I'm little you're younger oh that is sure thank you thank you big brother thank you big whatever thank you fat brother I want you I want you to understand that we've known each other for so you know lucky you and I are how you know like I told you two weeks ago I worked with

Shama you came at my ex me know she was my roommate she was your roommate yeah you know in 97 yeah I do 96 whatever the fuck it was you know I'm watching her on stage doing a little fucking impersonations and doing her thing and she's killing yes Joan River she had all that shit I'm like you know what that's 20 years that's 20 years so if I talk to shame attach let's do talk to you like I love you something happened to you I would be really sad oh dude if you would you cry would you all really sad I get really sad how many like for a week for a life it'd be like like the people I've lost already something happened when

you're a comedian bro with all the hatred in this town all the stupidity went to comics from the store like I saw you I think Thursday I followed you and Saturday you followed me like I follow each other and both nights I drove home they go I don't understand if Bobby knows how lucky he is because yeah people know that a manager took us out to dinner in San Antonio 1998 at the Latino Lafest and we're broke but to know that it's been 20 years that was still in the game to know that we're still relevant that we still get spots at the fucking store yeah did you ever thought about that that you still get spots at the

store I think in my case dude I'm kind of like a weasel bro I'm kind of like a cockroach I know how to like get into other people's worlds but but I do it in ways like either through guilt or sadness I am a trickster you mean so it's like when I wasn't getting spoon Adam first took over I wasn't getting a lot of spots and then I just kind of you know got sad I wouldn't talk to him for like a week and then he you know but I do I do little tricks like that how many spots you get a week I get every night every day perform anywhere else but the store yeah I play it now laugh factory sometimes now but like yeah mostly the

store but your heart's at the store I got my dude my dick set the store bro my dude I'm telling you right now dude that if the comedy stores closed I wouldn't know where to fucking go bro you would you wouldn't switch governments and go to an improv or I mean I would do you still be spots there maybe but you don't you know do these clubs don't have like a home group you need a home group you need guys because why like the store is you can't it's so hard to get in you know I know a bunch of dudes are like can you get me in like established dudes and I bring them over and then the dude get Adams like nah right so then makes me

realize oh it's almost impossible I like the exclusive video of it fucking she threw something out of there I know she threw 20 motherfuckers out of there like to change the world with that Cali but she kept prior she kept you know when she threw a lot of people out and let people know that you couldn't fuck around in there yeah like I've always taken that place very seriously like I was a fucking straight like I still remember pulling up up there and seeing cases of booze out yeah like that get dropped off like ten years ago I would have put these in my car and sold them on Sunset a 50% off I couldn't imagine

doing that at the store like I didn't want to fuck around at all up there every life experience that's valid in my life was through there my first three so you know where I had like my first somebody eating my butthole or like seeing seeing ghosts I saw at the comedy store really saw those two times me and Johnny Sanchez saw at the same time a ghost where did you see your ghost what do you mean it's only there's only one go there's only one ghost there bro the and his name is Gus do you know that is that his name that's his name bro Gus dude I've seen Gus twice bro where did you see Gus the first time I saw Gus was

Johnny Sanchez you know that little Latino guy yes absolutely yeah he goes hey bro I go what's up let's do a gig in Bakersfield so back in the day I used to I had this truck with no window the windows were blasted open had no money so I parked my truck at the comedy store he takes his car we drive to Bakersfield we do a show on the way back it's like three in the morning now but he drops me off at my car we're standing in the parking lot just talking about the night or whatnot and we both look up at that top window and we see a face glowing no eyes no no features wearing a top hat and two hands against the window looking

down on us we look we look at the thing we look at each other again and we look back up it's gone and we believe that to be Gus my friend I was the first time when was the second time I was playing the piano at four in the morning in the main room yeah why you laughing dude I haven't really heard anyone say that in the main room bathroom what many people can say they played them the comedy store piano at four in the morning I play the back that bathroom that that piano yeah that piano back there yeah yeah but back then it wasn't in back there it was on the side of the state on the side of the state right so it's

completely dark right and I'm playing on my own improvised a little you know Korean lullaby you know ding ding ding dong ding dong ding ding dong ding ding dong you know stuff like that and I look to my right and I see the yellow suit with a top hat but from far away you know where the entrance is I see it coming toward me I run out that back door you know that word to the hallway Yeah, and I come back and it's gone and that I believe that to be my second encounter with Gus now I had one encounter, but it wasn't with Gus. Who is it? I think I thought it was Sam Kenison It's so funny that you say that because once you say this what you're saying

I'm gonna tell you something about Sam and Gus. Go ahead. Go ahead. Don't tell me what well Carla bow, you know Carla bow. Yes, Carla bow and Sam Kinnison were best friends. In fact when Sam Kinnison died Carla bow held his body. Did you know that as he was saying? No, it's not my time to go. Yeah. Yeah, that whole thing Don't make me cry right now. No, I know because you don't want me to cry. I don't do that. Okay You almost got me there. But anyway, um, but Carla was telling me because I got his teeth fixed. You know that Back in the day when I when I started to get making money in chill biz Well, he came up to me and he opened his mouth and it was like boom shaka laka in his mouth Like death Carla bow

No, yes, he'd open his mouth and it's something was rotting in his mouth. I go. What's the matter? He goes my tooth That's not what he sounds like But he goes my tooth I go, what's wrong with your tooth because it's rotting and I went and got his teeth fixed But during that time, right? He was telling me a story how when him and Sam Kinnison Moved here from Houston. They were they would sleep in the main room on the stage and One night Carl and Sam were sleeping and Carl was awoken To Sam Kinnison levitating upside down from the stage

And Carl goes, what you know, you know how big Sam is right? And then he was dropped on his back But he was definitely like four feet up from the stage and they believe that it was Gus that it was doing that Gus apparently was a Bodyguard or a doorman back when it was C. Rose and he was assassinated there and He's like a mafia hitman his ghost and he's angry What's the matter why you just staring at me like that Princess Corey I Saw oh, I thought it was Kenison. I was in the original. Yeah, okay

So I went I was I had like a 1245 spot in the original room It's Saturday night. This is the old days the places happened. I Hear a voice in the main room. There's a show going on the main room on Saturday night I woke up and it's sold out. I know Mitzi's in her chair in that booth there Oh, yeah, back in the I didn't go in I stepped in the hallway But something when I was looking at the comic so the main room is that TV the main room stage is that TV I'm in the hallway Something kept blocking the light from the belly room that was shining on the wall

So every time I would watch something would block it and I finally go What the fuck is this and I stepped back and I looked up and what I saw was What you see you do I don't want to say no you have to when I saw was a guy look at me But before I could see his face or what he had in his head. He threw a cape over And he went into the belly room That was Gus dude. I know Sam Kiddison and I was like Jesus Christ. I finally saw my first ghost at the store That's it. It's done. So just wears a top hat and a cape now Princess Cory has don't doubt it Princess Cory has a story about getting fucked up at the store

And going to the main room when it was dead, you know, we first thought of that There was no main room shows comedy chaos on Tuesday. Yeah, it was skyless stone on Thursday It was Friday and Saturday was open but every night every night was it was dead. It was dark. It was dark. Oh Tuesday Oh, they had a black night black night. Yeah, besides that it was completely dead Princess Cory told me a story one day. She was on the up and up. Her and I were eating like lunch or something And she told me that that's the first time she told me she was out this place is definitely fucking haunted I go, what are you talking about? She goes one night. I got really fucking hammered And I figured I'd go into the main room before I sleep one of the

boots She goes, I just wanted to be she goes. I figured I napped for an hour sleep it off and wake up. She was I was awakened To fucking ballroom music Whoa, blasted in the comedy store creep and she said she popped her head up and the whole dance the whole main room Stage was people dancing with top hats and jackets on like just dancing and that she got Yeah and set the alarm off whoa cops came You know the manager at the store came at the time. She was the talent coordinator at the time This is before Friday. I think I rest his soul. She goes that the cops came they couldn't find nothing

But I have been out in that lot Many a night again in those days. I was on some type of drug. So I cannot The night I was watching the main room show I was not on drugs I was still had a spot so I did not do cocaine yet. So what I saw that night I saw yeah I've seen two ghosts in my life. I saw a ghost At the comedy store and I saw a ghost when I was about four in a building in New York City Remember that always for yes, I still remember what I felt like I Still remember telling my mother the confusion that I had and I still remember my mother asking me the story over and over and over again

Like a cop to make sure I wasn't fucking crazy And then when I moved into 35 15 given that terrace There was a time when I was when I got out of Catholic school. I couldn't stay in that house, Bobby Lee Yeah, I couldn't stay in that house at night. Yeah, Bobby. I'm a big boy. You know me You know the type of guy I love to be independent when I got out of the Catholic school When I got out of Catholic school, my mom had a bar. Yeah, that meant basically I had the house to myself at nights What 12 year old kid what 12 year old kid? Doesn't want a house to himself with cable TV every every night every kid wants a house to himself

I would go home at night. My mother would cook dinner. I would eat dinner with her. She'd leave to the bar I would do my homework watch gets Christy love whatever show was popular in those times Go up to my room about 10 o'clock put the air on go to sleep and within 20 minutes. I'd be awoken by something Bobby leave this one on for fucking a year that I couldn't sleep I would fucking test or and I would feel something. I would just and one night. I said I can't do this no There's something in this fucking house And I remember telling my mother my stepfather and people like you crazy. You're watching too many horror movies And I fucking started living with a family

We just go to the house at night. I played basketball with the kids and their parents didn't have a fucking clue Who was in their couch at night? So you couldn't sleep? I would go to my mother's bar stay at my mother's bar till nine do homework eat dinner with my mother and Then go to 26th Street in central. They were Puerto Rican family named the Torres's and I was somewhat Jose Torres Pop-up and I go to his room we'd watch TV and Nobody would know I was even sleeping in this house I get up in the morning brush my teeth comb my hair and go to North Bergen school So I would stay in Union City and go to school North Bergen the fucking point of the story is yeah that after my mother died

And I found the dead and the whole thing. I found out an interesting fucking story Some people came over after my mom died and they said we're really sorry about your mom's death and They said you know what we never liked this house anyway We thought about buying this house, but you know why this house sold for cheap because somebody hung themselves in the garage And right there I knew that all my premonitions that I had I would hear it Bobby Lee. I'm not a retard I'm not a fucking idiot Bobby Lee. I know what I see and I know what I feel I would feel somebody going up the steps That's what I would feel people running up the steps and running down the step Now the person that killed himself was a were they why I had no idea you have to know that shit

You have to know that shit probably New Jersey you would think so right? I thought he hung himself for years I heard the room because after like my mother died They buried it and these people who had lived on the block. I knew like I wasn't friendly with them Yeah, they came that day and we're like we looked at this house first. It was like $10,000 cheaper Yeah, but somebody killed themselves in the garage. Yeah, they said he hung himself And then I told somebody and they came back to me. They go well now We did some looking the guy was one of those guys that closed the garage. Oh And put the fucking the car on the car

So anytime I go back to that house like when she Lee and I shot the documentary I Could feel that house like I was thinking about buying that house But there's still there. I'm buying that house. I'm still there. Yeah, it's still there Thinking of going back to Northburg and saying what do you want for this house and more from $20,000 more gut in that house Got it from A to Z gut cleaning out the outside. I know there's shit in the yard I know there's weapons hidden in the yard my stepdad. You think they're still there. I know they're still there. Yeah, I Hit a gun in 85th Street. I know it's still there Well, never I talked to the people you motherfuckers gonna find that gun

Yeah, I said by the garage it had to be like three feet in But there's something about 35 15 giving that terrorist. It's always bothered me still till today Wow, my mother died there. I found her in the kitchen. You know what that house had become Well, who lives there now a Family when me and Lee were there an older Hispanic family older family, but they had had it was Lee Lee Nice to meet you. That's Bob. Oh, that's the you are Lee. Huh? Yes. That's my bad. No worries I think you don't you thought his name was Jimmy. I don't remember but I the whole time was thinking what the fuck this guy's name I guess yeah, Lee and I Lee was up

Lee and I went and shot the documentary some people came and they go no I think the people bought that house when your mother died that night they were first people I bought it and they still lived there But I would like to buy that house and there's nothing you can do though Tear it down. No, but even if you build something back up in that that the ghost is still there No, no, I could do something you could bring like Indian chiefs And fucking you give it a go I gotta have the people dance on it shit. I know my mother's in that house I know my mother's tormenting in that house. I know that she's in there. I would give her peace of mind I've always thought about that and I can't believe how cheap the prop might like my friend's dad died

He's got a two-floor fucking house in North Bergen. It's $400,000. Yeah, North Bergen is a throw rock from New York City It's still safe the house in the neighborhood is safe everything safe You would have to tear the house down and build a new house, but the property Communicating with the dead and stuff you now you're getting into I say I want to communicate with nobody listen you talk about a wrong do it No, but you you want to you know what you want to do? I would like to buy that house that house meant a lot to me I know but the thing is is this is that no matter what you do with the house you tear it down You wipe it out. You build something else on there. The spirits are still there. You believe that. Yeah, okay?

It's not in the wall. It's not in the concrete You believe that just just I'm not out of you because I'm not arguing with you I'm just we're dealing with a different plane my friend Okay, they're there. They're on both planes, right? So you have to just you have to go to the second plane take some sort of machine Maybe don't can trust them those about one. No, which Cuban the Cubans called el mundo de la vida get that that they Would get the El Mundo of of truth. Yeah, I understand that but I figured Whatever was haunting me listen Bobby Lee. I had a you've been addicted to drugs

You started hearing things. That's right. I've been addicted to drugs. Well, I started hearing things for 27 years You know, it's a mental prison That's the easiest way to describe an addiction people were going through opioids or whatever you're going through my heart goes out Yeah, and you know, I love you. You know, I'm telling you the truth that it's a mental prison. You can't be reliable You're not reliable no more you and I both know it's a mental prison, but I I still believe in the spirituality of life. I do too, you know What like when I did the longest yard where we shot the longest yard in Mexico Yeah, there was a riot at that prison. They killed seven guards and they shut the power down

And when they turn the power on people thought that there was water It was blood. It was a stream of blood from all the people that had killed until this day They took the blood out and they paint the floor every year But there was so much blood on the floor that the blower the blood still comes up from the prison What the fuck you tell me this about because when we shot the longest yard there They found out about that the paramount it so paramount didn't want no fucking problems So they sent a swami a Hindu a Catholic priest. I'm kidding you an Indian priestess everyone for every every Religion they sent them down there do a cleanse. The funny thing was the producers

Wanted to make sure so they offered anybody who spent the night in the prison. Yeah a thousand bucks and the fucking nobody spent the night Everybody would run out an hour in because they heard noise But you know mitzi though, right? It's he hired an a cleaner from Paris Every year for like 30 years to clean her office Because there was a apparently like things would levitate and crash against the walls in her office. Have you been inside her office? Yes, I've never seen it and I've been there for 25 years. I don't think I've seen the inside that office. No, yes You've seen the inside inside that office. I Not that I thought no one was alive

This was 15 years ago when she used to come in three times a week Yeah, I never saw I was a telemarketer upstairs with a clean But they but they she would clean it every year and they would she would say it still wouldn't be clean No one could clean it. So what I'm saying is is that who knows that these things these Hindus and these like You know cleaners can do anything. Well, here's the deal. I was at the store one afternoon I used to do Bob Oshack's job who before that was Freddie Solo's job and What you did was you basically fucking drove you went to get her a tongue saying which

You went to the hardware store and you made deposits at the bank. Yeah, that was your job And you picked up shift a little Mexican carpenter is he still there? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love him love him He's gotten feet, but he's doing well in life. So he's a little fatter. Is he is she has more cheeks I gotta go see him. Hey, bro. How you doing? Yeah, he would be down there ten after that. Yeah, I like that guy I forgot his name. What's his name? Emilio. Yeah, whatever. What was there one day? Waiting to go on a mission and The weirdest thing happened a van pulled up like a handicap man, you know, it had to be 19

Had to be 2000 2001, baby It's got to be two in the afternoon and his van pulls up guy gets out of the car kind of looks like me a little thinner And he opens up the two doors and he puts a wheelchair guy in the ramp and he pressures a button and the ramp pushes it out and the guy walks up and Very friendly the guy he goes, how you doing? How you doing? If I was 40 38 at the time The guy had to be 80 55 this handler was about 40 45. They were very nice, but the guy asked me blatantly. He goes, there's Mitzi here

Like, I don't know, you know, I don't know nothing, you know me. I don't know. I don't know Mitzi's here And he goes she goes, you know, you're a comedian here. Yeah, I'm trying, you know Yeah, but the pieces together, sir Hey, I didn't know what the guy did but he goes. I was one of the original Dormant here when it was zeroes Whoa Did mitzi ever find the money? Do you know she ever found the money downstairs? Whoa, and I was like, I have no fucking idea and then the guy rolled by me and I don't know if he saw mitzi

Whoa, wait, wait, wait. What you're saying to me right now is in the basement in the basement There could be money stashed away there Yes Because you know, they you can get down there now people hang out down there. We gotta find it Yes, but I heard that this I heard that you could go downstairs and sneak out all the way to The street behind it. No Yes, that that is a tunnel. There's a tunnel because no, yes because the guy who owns seros

Smuggled shit. What's his name? Zero. No The guy who owns seros is a gangster That kid bugsy seagull Bugsy seagull was who created las vegas. Yeah, I know who bugsy seagulls came out to vegas They thought he was rubbing shoulders at the wrong people He was getting a little a little fucking smoochy And he was dating the hollywood starlet and plus the envelopes were a little light in las vegas the mat didn't add up You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, I gave you eight million, but I got six million in contract to retreats

Meanwhile, you're in LA having dinner with fucking sanatre I'm over here in buffalo eating meatball sandwiches with a korean and a fat little fucking jew that's on the diet You know what I'm saying? Lee. Lee. Yeah. Yeah. What's it say who owns seros? Oh, I thought you I thought no, I think it was bugsy seagull who owns seros originally So they would kill people there. That's what I'm saying. They would kill people. Yeah, and That's the result of it people got tortured there. Yeah, they had a room down there They would torture people plus and in the belly room too was an illegal abortion center. Did you know that? No Yeah, there was an illegal abortion center and that's why they called it the belly room

Jesus christ and that's why at times people have said this if they do you spend the night there you can hear babies crying upstairs But can I just tell you something about that belly room also and it brings up something the scariest thing I've ever seen up there One night at two in the morning. I was hanging out there. Okay, and they go, you know, you can hang out here But upstairs they're doing something but you cannot go up there in the belly room I got clothes. Who gives a fuck? He's like, there's something going up there. Do not go up there But I went up there. You know the back entrance up the black I opened up that back thing, right all that it's pitch black in there, but I see candles right

I swore to God. I saw this 15 people wearing hoods and purple cloaks Okay And they're chanting Right And then so I go back downstairs and I wait to see They come down after the the seance. You know who I saw One of them was lily tomlin

Okay, the second one was bob zamuda You know bob zamuda And they were saying on saying andy coffins ghost Did it work? I don't know. I don't know. I didn't I didn't stay up there long enough to know But what I'm saying is is that there's something about that belly room That is a portal of something Why are you laughing

It's just crazy. It's a comedy club and it's it's like a haunted house I still remember living in 35 15 Being a child not a child being a teenager And staying them on friday nights to watch sanford and son and there used to be a show called Ripley's believe it or not. Yeah We go to you first find out who owns zeroes. So yeah, it was Bugsie seagull was the last one to own it. He rustled it away from the there we go So bugsie seagull was there was there ever a zero but that owned it?

No, the first owner was william wilkerson But his nickname was zero. I bet but the people rented it after he did went commits went to sammy shore And said if you want to start a now, what was the second one? Say an honor What was the second thing I needed you to know? Uh, I think maybe ripleys believe it or not. Yeah, go to youtube and see if you find But before you get into that, I want to just say And the last the last point I wanted to make which is there is something Dark about the store. It's not because it's black. There's just something a weird vibe there

A lot of comics even though we're having an upswing There's this girl who She's she hasn't I'm not gonna name her name because I want to get in trouble But she has a netflix special But she doesn't play the store And I was at the lab factory and I saw her perform And she got off stage. I was right after her and I never met her before she's very funny And I said you're very funny and she goes like this. She goes

And she just walks away from me Right, which is rude, right? So in my head, I'm thinking maybe it's in my head and then check it out the next week I'm at the improv and she's sitting there because she's about to go up I sit next to her. She walks up and walks away So I did some investigating and I go this girl You know, she she avoids me. I've never met her before I never talked shit behind her back

And a bunch of comics were saying, oh, yeah, she anyone that works at the comedy store. She won't even talk to I go, why? Because she believes that every we're all like kind of like demons And that we're all like a part of this weird comedy cult That we're dark. We have dark energies But I don't feel that I pray at night and you know, I try to be good Right We are

But do you think that people do believe that though? When I got here the word on the street was industry would not go to the comedy store. Yeah, and Industry would stay away from you If you had something to do with the comedy store because you were drug involved or something like that There was all a bunch of things on there I know one thing and I know one thing about you bobby Lee The comedy store affected both of us in the for the better or the worse For the worst at first to bring out the better

Whoa What the fuck does that mean? You know the other night I was sitting there one in the morning I went down to the store and I followed you and I watched you And I got my car and I'm having a hard time lately bobby Lee if you want me to lie to you my brother I can tell you the last two years I've struggled with people wanting to take pictures with me. I've struggled with people That send me emails and say, uh, you know, you and Lee are changing our lives. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm a fucking criminal jack. I'll put a gun to your fucking head and take your wallet, right? No, you won't. No, you won't

Believe it or not. That's who I was. I know but that's not who you are I wouldn't be here if that's who you were thinking about my ex-wife. I was really thinking about my ex-wife and about life and now She saw me at my worst There is many few human being That saw me at my worst the guy I kidnapped obviously My ex-wife this guy named Mike Robock from uh, he's in the welfare He's called into the show a couple times because he's my brother. There's very few George Kolodinsky Who's my brother? He was dead and not I kidnapped the guy and he saw me do a bunch of dark stuff

You know, I was always a dark guy before I got to the store. Let's not fucking the mistake who the fuck we are here But when I got to the store It does something to you the original room does something to you the main room does something to you that affects you I don't know if you know this. Do you remember when I got the fat ball on my neck? Oh, yeah, I had a fat ball on my neck and I would get my I would do a line of coke and my heart would pump Yeah, whenever my heart would pump the fat ball will come out of my collar bone It would just levitate like it's kennison on the spirit And you could only feel it so after I got off stage and my heart would work up

I go bobby Lee come here and you touch this and go Yeah, you better go to the hospital. Yeah, I do remember that How do you people touch it though? Because I wanted you to tell me that I needed to get help because I was too much of a pussy To go to the fucking house that was your underdeveloped twin. Yeah, like a twin That song was on my my twin my head What was the song that that I checked the speed freak with the boyfriend josh douchemay in the band The philipine humps my hump my little sexy hump. I had a hump there

I had this fucking hump so I went down to see the sign. I boomed. They they took it out And here's the funny thing. There's two things that happen to me that can validate what you're saying to me This was the first thing bobby. You know, they shake your pants. I didn't know you were spirituals you were When I came out of the surgery The doctor came and he was how you feel. He was listen. We had to zip a piece of your fucking collar bone We removed the piece of your collar bone because what we thought was in there wasn't really in there It was a lot bigger. It was the size of a fucking softball Your collar bones going to be a little soft, but we did this new type of medical

You're not never going to feel it which I never have you can't even find the scar I'll give you a hundred bucks. They're nothing. They were beautiful. They're technologies be Jews are beautiful But in the conversation he goes, do you want to see what was in you? Yeah, and bobby lee I swear to god your mind works in mysterious ways As soon as the doctor came in it was a jar You ever see the movie the the jerk with all the man with the brains What's that steve martin movie with the man with two brains? Yeah, they have the jars in the brain

It was a jar like that with the fat ball. Oh my god The bottom half was still intact. No. Yeah the bottom half was still intact And the top half Was what he broke off when he was first pulling it And I looked at it and this is the first thing I thought about bobby lee. Are you ready? All the times you walked in the comedy store after you booked something And people came up to you said bobby Fucking we love you and as you walked away. They said

Fucking chink fuck fuck him. He ain't funny. They never said that they all you have to assume they do Why because that was their thinking back then. They didn't say chink fuck Well, whatever they said when you and I first got to there was a little dose of jealousy That jealousy is not there no more. That's why the comedy store is so great right now Because nobody is mad at nobody. Do you know why though? Because I'll tell you why because at at some point mitzi. Yes Approved people that didn't belong All right, and now you're mixed in with people that don't belong with the people that do And the people that don't belong believe that they go fuck that guy. Can you explain why they don't belong? They just don't have it

They don't have that extra That thing and you know what joe rogan told me that the other day He looked at me and he goes there's something about you you have it. There's nothing He goes all of you. I'm not I said the same. Yeah, he goes. There's nothing There's no science and anything you just have it and that guy over there Doesn't have it And there's nothing it's not about upbringing. It's not about it and I go wow That's interesting, but I believe that

Some people just are born with this thing that they have it And I can I can see young guys Now I bring them on the road. I look at them and I go I think this guy has it. Let me ask you a question What about the guys that had it when you and I were Starving to death. Yeah, and now they're with us and they don't have it What do you say for those guys because there's always because now I'm asian about it I'm science about it. I'm scientific proof. You they were hot for three years. You've been hot for 10 years You've been doing this now. You've been on the television show. This is your

Maybe what your drink Cast position. Well, no, I mean I've been I've done pilots. This is my third only my third on air Show how many episodes are mad? I did eight years You know, that's indication. I did a year on animal practice and now I'm on my second year of splitting up together You're like the wife from married with children. She went from married with children On the anarchy to superior dollars. You just keep getting syndication You just keep getting chance from Hong Kong. But do you know why but do you know why I think it's there's two reasons

Number one, I never left the store and for any reason any reason you're very and number two. Yeah, and number two I got sober Right. So that's all I have And also number three. I still read A lot of these guys like I'm gonna name his name But there was a guy I'm like god back in the day used to be in a lot of movies I go what happened? He goes well, I won't read They have to offer it to me

And in my head, I'm like, I'm like, no, you have to you have to go in Sign up And you have to wait in that lobby And then read and get rejected and that's what the game is. I love it. Yeah, I love there's nothing I even told my wife I miss Do you remember when you remember when you first got here? And we're green green green When you went into audition rooms

Who are the agents in those rooms? Oh my huge now. Oh, no, dude. What's this? No for number one. Watch this. There's two stories number one When I first got into town the kind of parts that I would get Is like you're a ninja and I would show I would show up at the audition And there'd be 40 fools there wearing the ninja outfits, but with the masks But I didn't have one And I'd come in here and I go I'd go into the audition. They go, where's your outfit? I go, I don't know no fucking ninja

And they go, okay. Well, then you're not gonna get it Right that's what it was But the first time I saw all the heads like john chow Daniel day kim all those guys was during the audition of king kong Now if you watch peter jackson's king kong There's one chinese dude in it no lines and he just runs from king kong That's his part right, but let me tell you something they read for that part people read and that was one of them

So I show up and there's like 80, you know Well established now asian heads, but back then we had nothing nothing right If you walk in this room and they had a cardboard cut out of king kong on the wall Oh, I'd love to see you run away from king kong. I feel like you do a good job That's so racist. Yes That is so racist. There's so many And so the cast order goes, all right, so um, just gonna be running in a circle and king kong's chasing after you I swear to the fucking god. I go. Well, do I say nothing?

No, just run, you know So I I start running in the circle. I don't say nothing. I'm just running in a circle And then she goes stop she goes you gotta yell You're screaming. There's a king kong I go, all right action I go, ah in a circle She goes stop you don't seem chinese

I go, what do you mean? When you're yelling you don't seem like asian So, you know what I did? I swear to god. I did this she goes action. I start running. I go And I leave and now I'm almost crying And I have sweat dripping down my face And I'm walking out and I see john cho everyone and they have to go in there too But you know what I do? I don't leave I sat there for four hours just to see the faces coming out of that room

Of complete sadness And distraught and this is hollywood You know man, this is hollywood. This is what we get in hollywood You have no idea for people at home saying what he's saying Because it feels like somebody slapped you on the fucking face. Oh rape Yeah, it sounds like it feels like spiritual rape because Your dream is attached to it Where imagine your dream getting raped

And there's nothing you can do because you asked for the rape Right, so now you're spiritually getting raped and you go home and you lay in bed And you know how a lot of white dudes back then will go one day I'm gonna get you know someone like chris pine I'm you know, I'm gonna get a right role and I want to blow up right and us it's like Oh one day nothing Nothing Because there's nothing there

And then slowly we started working But that's that changes with the time it has to do with ad agencies It's when ad agencies dude I do one ad agencies when we should use more ethnic people in commercials because Chinese people, you know eat hamburgers too Right That I booked when they were doing that I booked like 30 commercials a year for like three years straight Are you still with Lawrence? Yeah

You still go out? No, but I've been getting some like last year Jordan Peele goes You know Jordan Peele. Yeah. Yeah, he he calls me goes. Hey, you still do commercials I'll do one with you because me and Keegan are doing one for booking.com So yeah, so I get a call and He goes all you have to do is make out with Jane Lynch on a bed I got that's all I have to do. I had a couple lines I made out with Jane Lynch on the bed all day

tongue kiss The lesbian she's so funny cool and at the end dude These lawyers came up to me And they go can we talk to you outside? And they take me out and they go Did you say that black people were oily? On your podcast

I go, excuse me. Did you say black people were oily? I go, nah Nah, I don't say that Right You know what it was So on tiger belly my podcast I did say black people were oily And this black lady

Tried to embezzle me for money She wrote me a letter go if you don't send me $15,000 I'm going to ruin your career Did she did that right and every week she would I would get an email $15,000 And she goes I know you're doing a commercial and I'm going to fuck you out of that commercial if you don't give me $15,000 Right I show up at the commercial and she tried to do it And at that point I went home. I didn't lose the commercial because they go we know you do tiger belly We know that we vet you we know you're crazy, but we love you

Right So I call my agent and we put a stop to it I got lawyers everyone involved We run a letter blackmail. I was I was going to fucking kill this fucking lady Imagine work you you work right I work, you know The first 50 20 years 15 years 10 years of your career you don't make any money So, you know, you put all every night you go up Every night you put your fucking time in you get rejected open mics open mics year after year after year

Finally you get to a place where they're making giving you money And some fucking bitch is trying to fucking imbecile imbecile you fuck you Because you said black people oil it. Yeah, but it's not even that bad and also not only that I don't even know what it means number one and number two The episode is before that I did a whole episode of making fun of mexicans and the episode before that We did two actual episodes of making fun of asians and on one episode. I said One time black people were oily

And then somebody tried to imbecile me And blackmail me for money. It's crazy. It's fucking crazy But dude imagine dude, let me tell you something right now if I was on that commercial Because they were paying me a lot of money doing and also jordan put his neck out for me He's my friend, right? I don't want him to look like a fool He won an Oscar for for god's sake All right If I would have lost that commercial because of this random person that I don't fucking know

I would have been like john wick bro I would have got guns. I would I would have fucking hunted this motherfucker down. No. No. No see what We know no no, I I do not understand. Hold on. Give me some toly better Oh, Tony Bennett what? We do learn to load the better It's like fucking animal

That same woman's gonna email you hold on one time. I want to give some shout outs to my man nick costello I'm sorry about your cat. You know, I love you buddy. Thanks for being part of the church Matt homie up there milwaukee Rob got a fucking rob got a rock groove a loose Top quality. Tony. I see you Mark Sturman pit stop entertainment my Puerto Rican of the year Rene and car sion my brother in chicago Bob LaLingus and his family my main man Rip Ripley and always running the page scott cutting hand

And my main motherfucking man dick. So yeah, don't forget. Utah salt lake city sold out this weekend Kansas City Here I come august night thursday night eight o'clock myself and dean del rizzi Friday and saturday, but let me tell you something thursday's your lucky fucking night come thursday You might bump into lindsay lohan lincoln balls Stars a debt or something might give you a seven dollar bag You never know what a fucking church show. So what you mean to tell me is This is what you mean to tell me what?

I did time I got lived back. I did all this dumb shit I lived in my car. I had a dream to Just do comedy as long as I could just do comedy and not be a cremo I would have been fucking happy I get into this car. I drive across country 28 fucking times. I get the hang of this shit I moved to LA to shoot a pilot the pilot don't get picked up. I become a regular at the store I work my fucking ass off. I got a few movies. I start doing a podcast everything fucking gets better

The road I get a netflix special everybody's rocking and rolling And somebody's gonna come out from 1985 and say that I finger bank. Yeah, I don't accept that at all Yeah, that's what i'm saying. I don't accept that. I don't accept it. I don't accept that I don't give a fuck how you feel or what movements going on. I do not accept it either. Okay You know what man? We were all I could tell you things I did 40 years ago And I could tell you things I did 20 years ago when I do those things again. No Because I just won't I'm a different person at least I have I've done things I've done things where I I think that I could have been arrested

For a long time. I know you would have been arrested. Yeah. Yeah, but I can't name those things. I heard about most Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can't name those look I've done things that I'm ashamed of I'll be too But I'm gonna say this though in the last 16 years especially I've been in the up and up bro and for me my taxes everything to me since I've been off the cocaine Listen, you and I both know like we spoke them out in the beginning whether it's cocaine whether it's pills hash Addiction is a mental prison. You think a certain way you act a certain way Because god forbid your little utopia gets broken right or wrong god forbid

Somebody finds about how good I feel on these 10 to 15 vicarins. I mean the day God forbid somebody take that away from us You know what you know what of that lady? Yeah, we don't offer you that deal 14 17 years ago when you were high on vicarin you saying Like people are oily. Yeah, you would have gave a 3,000 30,000 just to go away Because god forbid who cares about the media. Yeah, you didn't want your little addiction to get out there Oh Think about it. How different life is. Yeah, how lucky we are. We're lucky. So all I know is I'm in the same boat as you

The 10 last 10 years of my life. I've been married. I had a daughter I have a full-time employee who I love dealies not even employees family You know, I try to do the best I can I'm not out at bars. You've never seen me at a vip You don't see me in hollywood parties for christ's sake. I drive a Subaru I Do the road twice a month because that's the best I can give you. That's what I do. That's why it's a month Why it's a month? I could be every other every 10 days. When is this air by the way to say it's tomorrow I'm going to be at portland. Where helium when this weekend. Oh, shit

That's one of my favorite fucking clubs. I love that club. Yeah, they say something used to have potato dots Now, you know, I hate ranch dressing. Yeah, but these motherfuckers took it to the next level What do they put in there? They put that scaromachi korean sauce. What's that? Sir, sir, sir. It's not korean. What is it? What is it? Chinese? Sriracha is chinese? Yeah, man. Thank you very much. That's not called scaromachi. It's italian dog. I'm sorry scaromachi No, I don't know. What's it called? Sriracha sriracha and it's chinese. Yeah

And uh, they used to put chinese and ranch dressing Whoa mix it up And one night I didn't know what I was eating at least I got it took a tater tot And I dipped it in the fucking In the thing I ate and after what I looked at the menu and I saw to flog yourself afterwards. Oh my god after I saw ranch Sriracha I fucking what am I gonna do? It wasn't that bad. I gotta be closed-minded. We just think of I'm not gonna say times and places

Yeah Just think of a sit like when when I hear about harvey Weinstein Harvey Weinstein was a bad person Yeah, he was he was a he was a predator, but I know 30 other motherfuckers that were doing the same thing Harvey Weinstein was doing and let me tell you something one of the second biggest homes of sex in hollywood Was the motherfucking comedy store. Oh, yeah, I don't know people know that That was well. It's it's it's it's now. It's right. Well right now. No, it's not. It's a business now Now it's there's management and stuff, but back in the day. It was deadwood. It was like we ran it

Well, we got there. Oh my god that was I saw one night I saw I walked in the main room. It's dark and I see legs popping out On the bottom some girls legs Just sticking out of where the booth is sort of half her body was in the booth Her legs were saying it was pitch black And I look and there was blood everywhere and she tried to kill herself in there Okay, and I'm gonna name you who it is, but she wasn't she was a waitress This had to be 18 years ago a long time ago. I still remember who that waitress was

She tried to kill herself over a manager. Yes a black man. Yeah Now let me tell you how the story even gets quick in here. I like that girl very much not as a boyfriend But she was very sweet. She moved out here and she was taken naive By a manager who was suave He had like a wife or a girlfriend. Yeah, he's like, uh, but he was very very suave And I saw him playing her and you but when we say we're gonna just say when when we say black, he's not like Kanye black. He's more. No, he's more jordy leford black. Right. He was he's more like, you know enterprise You know, he was like dry skin Tina Turner's husband. Yes. Yeah, I said I have a more recent reference. I don't know who jordy leford is

I turner, you know, I turner. No, I know with the name. I couldn't I know I know I know a guy. Let's let's I know but I'll tell you let me tell you the story Donald Glover. Okay, you're gonna. I don't go over. You're gonna die when you hear this. Okay, so This is early on in the comedy store career. This waitress tries to kill herself And I gotta tell you something fucked with me because I really liked her And when I heard why she tried to kill herself, I never really liked that guy anymore. He disappeared I have a funny story about him. Then he popped back. Then he came back years later. Okay I never said nothing. It wasn't none of my business

You're not gonna pick your battles, but at the time I'm blind. I'm buying coke from A couple of different people. I have an Armenian coke dealer I have a Mexican coke dealer I have a black coke dealer and I have another black coke dealer Now one of those black coke dealers happens to be a comedian. Look at my eyes. I know what it is He happens to be a comedian SL SL. He had the worst cocaine That you could ever imagine he was always my last choice because I could front it from him

He would get high and forget I even because he was on pills I know who you're talking about. He was on pills. It was the fucking cra- and I liked him I like him too. He was the worst comic in the world But I liked him and he lived two blocks from my house and even with all my cocaine paranoia I could still drive to his house and get a package like McDonald's of cocaine, right? So I would say to him. Hey, leave me some coke in your motorcycle So he would leave his garage door open millions of people would walk by And in the motorcycle in the little booth

There'd be a package waiting for me. Wow. So he would call me the next day and say did you take the package? And I go no he goes there's no money there. I go he told him about I didn't take the package and he goes somebody fucking take the package this one out for months But I always work things out. So it's New Year's Eve and I go up there and I flip the thing open and I go to that hip Joey and I look up and it's that girl I tried to kill herself At the store 10 or 12 years early and they're looking like what the fuck are you doing here? She goes, I'm waiting for

She goes, have you seen him? Is he upstairs? And I felt like saying didn't you try to kill yourself over a different black guy? Yeah, fucking 10 years ago And now you're another fucking black guy. You want to hang yourself again? What do you want to pull a board game? I go get the fuck I just walked out of there like and I told him the next day I called him up and I go, hey man, you can't fuck with that chick You can't home the whole story. I go she tried to kill herself

Over some black thing before and he had a girlfriend you you got 20 white women that are chasing you travel heart attack I try to take her to a meeting Right because I was sober I'm driving down Los Yenaga. She jumps out of my car Going fucking 40 And then I saw her again All I was doing she was like thinking that I was like some sort of human trafficker or something She goes you you want to go to a meeting right and get sober. I don't know much about him. I go you're gonna die

So I try to be the good dude. She jumped out of my fucking car at 40 miles an hour Yeah, can I tell you something funny about that guy the manager though? So he was doing comedy too. Did you know that? Yes for years for years So I didn't see him for years. So one day I get a call from this guy named Tony Calabrese From San Diego. They guys do you want to judge a comedy competition in um, Tucson, Arizona? So how am I gonna get there? He goes, I have a private plane. We're gonna do the whole thing So I fly to Tucson It's a huge comedy competition. I'm one of the judges

The next thing I know this next guy is from Orlando Right. He's been doing comedy for two weeks only Ladies and gentlemen, it's the guy The black manager He doesn't know I'm judging He comes up there. He's been doing it for 10 years at that time But he's trying to pull it off like he's only you just fart. No, I'm trying to I didn't fart I tried to move my for two for he said he'd been doing over two weeks

He goes up. He wasn't even that good But then I gave him an a zero Out of one out of a 10. Okay Did you just fart? That's so gross, dude. Thank you. Yeah, you did. I heard it. I did not Yeah, I went he's actively pushing it out. Did you smell it? Yeah, I did. No, you did. If you don't smell it Yeah, yeah, I fucking smell it right now, dude. It smells like it smells like Cuban something Yeah, it's rude, dude. Sorry about that. No, you're not you keep telling

Yeah, yeah, relax, all right No, what are we talking about? We're talking about the guy. You didn't even listen to my story No, but your guy that you judged him and he was he was broken. You imagine pulling that off Well before the internet you could I guess right go with probably we should do it all the time Do kindly for two years and go to the average account. Oh, yeah, that's what he tried to do. Yeah People would do that all the time. Yeah, it's embarrassing Then he came back. Yeah, and I saw him and I was like I had a room in brand

And one day I saw him out and he asked me if he was a room brand. I told him I called I never heard from him again Then he disappeared again He's somewhere lifting money from somebody I was at the store one night on a Monday night It had to be 60 people in the original room Somebody in the belly when you whisper dude, it's so fucking creepy. Oh, it's because these are creepy stories I know but the way you're doing it right now. It's like and there was a bachelorette party

I'll never forget this. I mean there's a thousand fucking sex stories at that store And this chick left the other group because she goes I hear that this place is haunted. Could you give me a tour? And you know, I do a couple spots. I took it to the belly room I didn't think nothing of it. We go up to the belly room. We come down I take it to the main room and when we get to the one spot I go that's the office and she goes is that the bathroom? She goes, let me go inside and pee real quick. I'll be right out. So I went walked And sat by the door

Like just like an ass. I coke in my pocket. Maybe like I did two blasts And next day I hear it go and come in here. I gotta show you something when I went in she was completely thinking There's a little couch there girl at women's bathroom There used to be a little couch there. She was completely naked playing with a pussy. Yes They used to that's the shit. There was a woman down there on a sunday that used to go on there with a wig She was really pretty but she'd put a wig on that put on there and your people blow jobs in the back No Yeah, and then she'd leave and then I found out that they passed her around one night

And then she disappeared Then there was a blonde girl that was down there and give them blow jobs out Let me say something it was crazy. It was completely you can't you can't Any girl that wants to fuck me at the store? I'm gonna tell you this. I I pulled up at the company this is before I met my girlfriend Five years six years ago. I pulled up at the fucking parking lot. There was the hottest girl I've seen in a long time She goes, hi, I'm a big fan

Straight up I said, thank you And she goes I live in Bakersfield. Can I spend the night at your house tonight? I go, yeah She comes to my place for a week Right She fucks me for a week. It was the it was a gift from god And then I'm at a dinner with her and a comma calls me. I can't say who

And he goes, hey dude that girl you're with I go. Yeah, you guys don't bring around tonight. I'm bringing my girlfriend I go. Yeah, but she's with me Oh, I've been fucking her too, dude Right I hang up the phone. I look at her. I go Who else have you fucked? I'm not kidding you dude. It was like every paid regular on the I mean it was I mean everyone I go you fuck all these guys

She goes, yeah, apparently I was the last one And then you know what's funny two years later Russell Peters comes up to me and goes, hey, you know Yeah, she goes, did you sleep with I thought everyone That's why from you can't hang out with girls that hang out at comedy clubs Everyone's been inside that Well, you look at me like that Said this conversation with a different friend of mine about the same topic

Yeah About a friend that we had and she called me and said how's she doing? I go I haven't spoken for like years. I go I go the last thing she probably wants to do is talk to a comic. Yeah I go and she goes why don't everybody banged her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She got to the point. I remember one night I was over there like at nine I was already living with Terry guys This is when I knew this girl was crazy and she called me one more

Just real quick about Terry when I found out years ago that you were seeing her I couldn't believe it. Yeah, because she was like the hottest waitress we had, right? I go she's fucking that guy I was just unbelievable. I'm just so happy that so I mean imagine though like the hottest one. What the fuck we said I was right there David Jesus we're so high right now, huh? What we're talking about. I don't forget. I forgot what you were saying Pick up a pie. Yeah, pick up a pie. Yeah Jesus christ guys nobody remembers shaking off the phone bobby lee. You're on a fucking podcast. What are we talking about?

Talking about crazy women at the store. Oh, yeah. Yeah girls that the girls that get around. Yeah, yeah crazy at the store You know what man? I'm happy And I saw some crazy situations so early on from 97 To 2000 and then beyond on the road I've seen and heard some crazy situations. It was a woman five years ago, right before when you were already living with Terry What's that you're living with Terry? Right already and there was a girl to shoot hit on you or something You don't remember who knows

So for these girls that slept with every guy at the store. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no We talked, you know, I know I was living with Terry. Yeah, and one morning I got a call from this girl Now I had those days they used to have parties at this house a lot And I would stop by to be nice on the way out Because once I went to the store and I got coke. I wasn't going to go to your house to hang out I don't want to do coke with them So I would be nice and polite and go early on when I was clear-eyed and shit But she was already starting to get drunk with her girlfriends

And I would go and say hi. How you guys doing? They go listen. I got a 10 30 at the store I wouldn't have a spot to 11 45. I just wanted to get out. That was just trying to be polite And I remember this particular that I was over there at 9 30 And I left like a 10 15 10 30 And the next morning she called me like I wanted she goes. Hey, do you have a minute? Like oh, yeah, she goes. Did you sleep with me last night? And I go no I only went over there at 9 and she goes you weren't here at 4 And I go no I was at my house doing coke by myself

And she goes okay, no problem. She didn't know she had fucked. Whoa That's scary. That's some scary shit That's every comedy scene has one crazy girl. That's why I'm with just Kalilah. That's why five years It took a long time Bobby, but you I cannot do it anymore. No, no, no, who could do it Who could do it? I cannot do it anymore after 40. You have to feel bad If you really abuse women like that after 40 at 40 if you look at a woman and go You know what I could be her dad Yeah, like this is too easy. I could be her dad. Why would I want this on my fucking?

I'm my fucking go sheet. This is too easy I don't even jerk off to like barely legal or any of those kind of kind of porn It's like this is too easy or any of that shit. It's so crazy. It's it's it's it's unreal to me Lee, I guarantee you if I did like comedy seminars like if I got that greasy Right like I would say you Joey Diaz is coming to your town 50 bucks All day Saturdays. I guarantee you that if I did 50 of them I'd get approached at 50 percent of them by a young comic Ask me to take around the road or we get together for coffee

Let me ask you this you think now because of because you're selling out rooms and whatnot. You think right now You could probably land an 18 year old I could do what you think you could fucking 18 year old if you wanted to If I put my mind to it and lie and trick you and got drugs No, I'm just based on your fame and who you are. No, no, no, no, you don't think you could no. Yeah. Yeah, there's no fame I'm a fucking criminal like those. Joey Joey. When you say that it's ridiculous. I'm no, no, no I'm gonna stop stop there. I'm not I want to just do this. I just want to do this Anyone listening? All right, because I want to say this

I know this for a fact. Okay that When I was calling CAA About having them rep tiger belly Which is my podcast They go, well, how many to give me your number this and that and they go. Yeah, you got to get to The church level before we're interested Right, which tells me

Because you know that you're at a different place Right, so you're I know you're trying to humble yourself and go. Yeah, I'm just a regular guy Which you are and you're a great guy and I love you and I've always I'll always love her no matter where you are Right, but my point though is is that you are you've elevated to a different level Can we just at least admit that we've admit that all right? Well, you wouldn't know say that to me. Just say this repeat after me I Joey Diaz

I Joey Diaz have elevated have elevated to a godlike level to a godlike level. Yeah, just say it No, no, no, no, no Different level to a different. All right. Good outside and inside Which is the most important more on the outside though more in the outside I'm done on the inside. I still get fucking promoted though. I don't know what the fuck people in the end And that's why that's why I when you texted me. I came right over Because I love you, but also you're People want to be on this thing people want to be around you

You deserve everything that you have. I won't be around you. I know you came into my house a couple weeks ago what's crazy barbie like The difference between 15 years ago is now is that you would go up to the store at 801 And that'd be an eight or 804. Yeah, that was it explain to lee What it's like to go up to at eight o'clock in those days. Oh, it stayed till two. It was what do you mean? It was death You didn't like it. You didn't like hanging with honoree and torturing your friends Back when everybody was cool back when you used to drive up to San Diego when you're beautiful little bro Here's what it is. Here's what it is. I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna tell you what it

I'm gonna tell you what it is When you when you first okay, imagine Imagine being at a job like I used to wait tables in San Diego I used to get no pussy I had no future. I couldn't go to college. Oh, I'm 21 22 And I have no my car is like the windows are blasted open. I got nothing. All right And you would go to this job. You would work really hard and you would get You know, you would slay for 10 hours straight slammed at a restaurant and you'd get a hundred bucks

As a tip Right, you come home. You get a burrito. You go to sleep and you wake up and you do it again And then you see I had this midget friend. I was working with with Ben. He was a midget And you know what midgets are they're so cute And so Ben used to get way more pussy than me And I used to go should I kill myself? You know And I had nothing to live for and then one day I walked by the comedy store

And there was an open mic and I signed up And I went up and then nine months later I was opening up for Pauly Shore In front of 5,000 people at the Riviera Just imagine now from there boom all of a sudden you're performing in front of that many people Mitzi comes up to me at the end of it. Well, we're in Vegas never met her before She goes, you're a regular at all my clubs. You're amazing And at that point now your life changes you everything is exciting

Then you're at the comedy store you show up you run into guys like dice clay Howie Mandel whoever it might be Tell him the story when they sent you home because he lost like I was working the door I was working the door at the store at store and Andrew does clay walks up to me. I don't even know him And he goes a Ching get in the car He used to call me Ching Right. He didn't know my name for 10 years

Every time Ching and I go my name is Bobby. No, you're Ching. I go that's racist. He goes no as to Ching He got your money Right. He tried to switch it up He flies me first class. I have my comedy store teacher done first class to Las Vegas Right and he goes you're going to be my good luck charm He loses 750,000 dollars How long in in 24 hours it was I'd never see I mean

Imagine having no money and then but what was fucked up about it is the whole ride over there He was like you're going to get 10% of my winnings So in my head is if he makes a million dollars I'm going to make a hundred grand Right, but now he's down 750 Right, and he goes go home. I went home And he didn't talk to me for years. Were you doing comedy too? I didn't know I just went to Vegas to be as a good luck charm

And I came home And it was It was I was so depressed for like a year after that But yeah, that's that's the kind of shit that would happen I'd ever tell you that what happened With the Chinese the Chinese sex party Hold on. Let me get a water. I get a water. No, no, man. You want a water? No This is a Chinese sex party is crazy

Yeah, he's getting real lazy with his edibles Nice the rappers already open when I get it. Yeah, but I did that for a reason He doesn't know what I did What did you do? Let me explain something. You just took every day. Did you take a mushroom? No, every day the Mexican government Ships in a hundred kilos a day until I got there of what of cocaine. Uh-huh, but they break it up. They ship 60 30 And then three intense

60 30 60 30 then 333. Yeah, they six they sent 60 And then they sent like uh four tens So 10 kilos on one meal 10 kilos on the other 10 kilos in the one meal and the grand prize is the 60 they they work with statistics and percentages All right, so they get One of those meals gets busted They lose 10 kilos, but they still get it 90

So it doesn't matter. They they they include that in the profit so today I gave Lee a fucking every day When I have an elbow, you see these edibles here. Yeah, they come in a little butter packet So what I do is I open them and I pop them and I pop them for a purpose Because he thinks there's something in them and I constantly fuck with them and I fuck with him because he lets me So if you open that up look inside of there, there's a little butter pack Yeah, I let you this I have the choice. So I tell them listen

I open them and then I put them in there and receive them. So really I don't do nothing to them. So today Last night I got them with the spray bottles Why sprayed the fuck I sprayed this from out the hide on them and some uh, I do these gummies. Are they good delicious? Oh, yeah, you get fucked up. You really do. Yeah, so tonight I sprayed the Deactivizer and I hit a xanax a little quarter xanax in the bottom It was upside down too. He caught the xanax. He thought he was like an inspector He thought he was like an mpa inspector But next you know, he swallowed the fucking cat tranquilizer

So who gives a fuck, you know what I'm saying? Keep saying he's gonna give me chemo pills. I already gave him to you two nights ago. He's in a free room Then you said you got a girl or what? Uh, no, I'm I'm single now. What happened? Uh, we were together for four and a half years and I'm not ready to get married. Oh, okay. We're still close. We're still friends But he's been going on new days lately. Yeah, I've been recently been dating. It's been interesting. He's been hitting new boundaries Are you high right now? A little bit. Yeah. Yeah, you seem very high right now. Wait till later Wait till you call me. Are you getting more high now? Because you seem a little high right now He doesn't want to stop. So like

What are you a rat? What are you asking me? You constantly asking me. Do you want me to have the ball hit? Sure, I gotta ask you because you look a little uncomfortable. Did you eat one of these gummies yet or what? Yeah, yeah that and uh something else. What do you mean? We have a little mushroom cap. You did? Sure What's a mushroom cap? Just a little mushroom. And what does that do? Makes you see things But why do you do that now? Because on a monday because that's the reason why it's oh, I see most party Everybody wants to do shit on friday. Professionals do shit on monday. But we do stuff on friday, too Huh? We do stuff on friday

See you on fridays. I'm on the road on friday. Yeah, would you when you do get high and go on stage or no? You wait till afterwards. No, I get high and go on stage. Yeah, absolutely. But lately You know, it's funny, bobby. I won't even know I'm coming for a long time 20 years. You said that when you came in here You want to show them of my mind and the way you want to get off the road? You know what the road is our easiest fucking thing right now. I mean the road is pressure because you have to sell That's where the pressure comes in. Yeah, but if you take that pressure away the road is a lot of fucking fun You know since my podcast that pressure's gone

Before it would it would be touch and go some places I'm not selling any tickets But now because I have tiger belly fans They come out and I make great money and I get to see my people and my people are good people They're spiritual people. They're fucked up, but they're all like me You know, they got half their heads shaving, you know acne on their fizz good titties You know, they're killing it. What are you looking at me like that for because I learned what I'm talking to you I see the 20 years that I've known you have seen you grow as a man

You were a fucking kid with a fucking skateboard. I know the fucking you to question me. I'm not questioning you You were a kid Dude, you're only like eight years older than me. You were a kid with a skateboard doing comedy when I'm back You're a big-headed Cuban dude when I'm at your fucking lick the world on fire And you got a mad tv And then you give me pills and I heard one day you pulled the knife on you were fucking calling Kawasaki some bitches Some motherfuckers on a set which I thought was hilarious Then you took care of yourself and you've been a different man just

There's all fucking journeys that people Never get to when I started this podcast the main theme of this podcast Bobby Lee Was not to look down at people Was to let people know That we could be fucked up and still doing what the fuck you dream of. Yeah You know, you know this Netflix special I was I was fucked up like eight weeks It fucked me up, bro. Were you coming up to it? It fucked me up coming up to it afterward It fucked me up kept me up at night a couple nights. You know why why?

Because I started giving a fuck That's right guys like you and me were comedy strong guys. Yeah We went up there with a plan but that plan went away and sometimes our balls would come out Sometimes we take our t-shirts off Sometimes we turn on the audience and that's what made Bobby Lee Bobby Lee And Joey Diaz Joey Diaz. You know what happened to me? I saw John Mulaney's stand-up special Was pretty good. He's a great writer great writer. Yeah. Well, guess what? What I'm not John Mulaney And neither is Bobby Lee. You know why because Bobby Lee is Bobby Lee. Yeah, Joey Diaz is Joey Diaz

You know, Jim Norton said something once But I thought it was kind of selfish And now after it happened to me. I see it's not selfish. He said I don't try to watch a lot of people's specials And I thought that that was a selfish thing And I and now I know why Because when I watched John Mulaney and his perfection It destroyed my insights. I'm up there doing pussy jokes. I'm 55 years old I'm talking about, you know, some this or that. Yeah, it's colorful. It's cute

But John Mulaney's doing real stand-up comedy He's I'm saying let me yeah, yeah, yeah But that now I'm okay. You know why why I'm going to the store from now on exclusively Yeah, that's it. That's it. I'm gonna die at the store. Good road Even if I go there once a week, it's better than going to any other place for me Yeah, I've been doing comedy for too long to be fucking around and The stores my home. Yeah, when you say I'm gonna avoid it when you see people like that You know, what it is is that there's different styles, right?

It's like you see guys like John Mulaney and Neil Brennan's a good writer. Fucking good. Yeah, there's so yeah Yeah, they thought it they do they can do voices. They do really smart like high concept pieces And mine is more Gutteral, you know, I'm more like you You have an eating pussy and some you know, and I have some things that even some comments go Oh, that's a smart bit. But in general I do switches and all that but you know what do at the end of the day It's like I I can only do what I do Right. I can't be anyone else

So if I look at somebody else and I go, oh, yeah, that's great. I just can't do that anyway Right, but you know what? I'll be honest with you. There are a lot of people that can't do what I do That's what I'm saying. Yeah, they people, you know, I I can go up there and get a laugh without even saying anything Right, I could just do like in a little dance or make a sound effects or do a little pose And people just laugh and I go, you know, I challenge myself every time I go Get a couple of laughs before you even say anything challenge yourself And I I've learned how to do it Right, like I'll do a wink and I'll kiss a you know, do a little to a guy and people will start laughing

You mean and make a noise they start laughing Orly, I'll do gibberish, you know, it makes crystalline laugh when I go And just open that way And people start laughing So I just do my own thing and you know what at the end of the day people on the internet call Bobby leaves a loser. We hasn't done shit since meant to and I read shit, right? You know, he's I had some girl goes he's so ugly physically on one of my posts And I read all that stuff and see you know, sometimes I just go, hmm

But you know what at the end of the day? I'm making a good living I keep working And who's right? Who's wrong? Who gets who gives a fuck? I don't get and that's what happened The last couple of times I went up to the store I haven't given a fuck And when I get that car feels good. Yeah, it feels good to go on stage and I give a fuck, you know what?

I'm sorry. You paid 25 bucks But if you don't laugh tonight, at least you got to see me Yeah, and that's what comedy is all about. Yeah, it's seeing me. It's insane. You know how scary it is though to follow you though I was no, I give a fuck. I was backstage. No, but I was backstage following you and lighting on the road I know I'm just saying though. You're a beast, bro. Oh, I love it. I love no, but when people have to follow you It's so fucking scary. We're comedy store train Bobby Lee. What the fuck did you expect? If I sent you into the army, that's one thing But if I take you to the range of training and put you through helicopter and killing with short missiles

And killing with small weapons and big weapons and medium-range weapons. I've created a pretty deadly killer We've been at the store for 20 years. I don't know if you know this That makes you a pretty deadly killer Go home tonight and your project for the next two weeks is to grab a notebook And who would you follow the people you have learned from in there from eddie murphy to martin lorenz? Lee, are you okay? Yeah, he's fine. Yeah, but you you just seem you're drifting in and out of That's what he does every day. I know but you you you looked over there and then you started thinking about something He's my little retarded. Yeah, but he's not are you retarded? No, he's he's just not I've been I haven't been tested yet

I got some tranquilizer. Oh, you're all google-eyed right now. Yeah. Yeah, I gave him 100 milligrams. He's fine He's a good man, but it's just weird And it's great though. The other night I walked in and I'm watching you and like I said, I just saw shamer I did not know you were gonna be on that show I just needed a spot. I wanted to get out of the house. So I called him And there you were and I'm like, let me watch this motherfucker and I was laughing And then I drove home and I'm like, this is amazing. I don't know if he knows how lucky we are No, I know I know I now know I now I now know

and I believe This is what I really believe That we our generation Is now hitting a stride. I can see it. Oh, yeah Because when we were when I was struggling was you me arisha fear All of those guys callin Right and now we've all hit this

podcast world Which is opened us up, man. It really has I mean, I'm on a show But that's because You know, you know, I have my pot. I have my shit going But like five years ago, there was a drought I couldn't get nothing going even on the road It wasn't happening Right. I was like, but now

selling out Getting shit and it's all because my generation, which is you We're doing this podcast shit revealing ourselves Saying things that we shouldn't be saying but still like this is the most freeing thing I've ever done in my career, which is this podcast shit. I love it. I love it too, dude Because we get to be together as a family I get to see your little fucking Cuban titties sticking out of that white shirt. You like that Not really. No, what are you gonna do? I'm gonna do nothing. I'm not gonna do nothing, but your titties are sticking

I love two blocks around the corner Put a tuxedo on the big guy's little fucking green little titties there. Oh, he's fucked up. He's got the fucking He got a little good titties, huh? He's got a the what's the guy that killed the two part Biggie. Yeah, you got biggie's little white titties. No, no, what's the guy that's in jail? I don't know. Oh, no. I should not. I should not, yeah Bobby Lee, you're at helium in Portland this week and then where you had after that I'm done. I'm shooting my show Spilling up together

And then where can people find you? Tiger belly my podcast and bobby Lee live on all my socials, man. It's tiger belly on itunes It's on itunes. All things comedy the whole thing. Yeah, listen. It's always a pleasure seeing you. I love you I'm taking the ride up here. I love it. I love you that don't forget you filthy fucking animals Kansas City August 9th to the 11th. It's gonna be a fucking hoot Thursday night's the night We're gonna get this party started with a lot of fucking, uh

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Slash church zip recruiter the smartest way to hide again. I want to thank blue apid I want to thank uh zip recruiter and i want to thank my main man. Bobby leave my brother in arms My fucking commie marine brother from the stores for uh, gracing us with his presence I love you and i love you portland. Don't forget about my little brother up there In fucking uh at the helium comedy club Say hello tell him that you see him you heard him on the church and don't forget motherfuckers the ninth I'll see you at the improv in kansas city kick that fucking mule league stay black bobby lee Thank you for making it out tonight, brother. I love you

Oh Whiskey bottles and brand new cars oak tree in my way There's too much coke and too much smoke look what's going on inside you That smell Can't you smell that smell? Oh that smell The smell of bells around you Oh

Angel of darkness is upon you stuck a needle in your So take another tow have a blow for your nose one more drink full with drown you Oh that smell Can't you smell that smell Oh You that smell The smell that's around you Now they call you Prince Charming

Can't speak a word when you're full of lips Say you'll be all right come tomorrow But tomorrow might not be here for you Oh That smell Can't you smell that smell Oh that smell The smell of bells around you

Oh Oh Stick in the needles in your Angel of darkness Oh Oh One problem that confronts you You got a monkey on your back

Just one more fix Lord might do the trick One hell of a price for you to get your kicks Oh that smell Can't you smell that smell Oh that smell The smell that's around you Oh that smell Can't you smell that smell

Oh that smell The smell of bells around you Oh Just a fool Oh Oh