Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #605 - Greg Garcia

Episode Date: August 1, 2018

Greg Garcia, the creator of multiple classic sitcoms, such as "My Name Is Earl" and "Yes, Dear," and "The Guest Book," which will begin airing it's second season in late 2018, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Solojitsu.com -  Exercise cards with a mix of the essential BJJ Drills. Tell them Uncle Joey sent you   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 07/31/2018.
  

Greetings from podcastville the church is brought to you by Fuji Sports dot com If you're looking for a G if you're looking for shin guards if you're looking for boxing gloves or mouthpiece Whatever the fuck you're looking for Fuji's been there since day one. They survived the bomb. You know I'm saying ain't fucking around Me I'm a big fat fuck. I go to jujitsu a tug they pull that fucking Fuji geezer tremendous Go to Fuji Sports dot com right now and press in church Bam get 10% off sent right to the fucking cause and you don't even have to leave the house the Japanese guy shows up number two You know me dog. I always come up with something new revolutionary for you. You ready for this one solo jitsu dot com These are those playing cards that have like hip escapes on and rollovers and what you do is you play by yourself

You're in a hotel room and you flip a card and you do 22 hip escapes We're the fucking cause whatever the fucking cause for you do a push up whatever at least you get entertained by yourself Go to solo jitsu dot com and tell them I sent you and take a look. All right. Kick this fucking mule Lee Oh shit August 1st you bad motherfuckers the rent is due Don't go planning shit the rent is due cocksuck this is The church of what's happening now Mr. Greg Garcia the Christ killer and the flesh

And your uncle Joey and the motherfucking Eagles Oh Shit What's happening mr. Garcia, how you doing man, you know, I just forgot I even had that you know that is No, I don't I was sitting there trying to figure out his name is Hollywood Henderson. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Okay, and this motherfucker was the guy that invented cocaine like he oh my god He fucking took it to the next level like in the NFL. Yeah on the dolphins team He was on the cowboys. He was a linebacker on the cowboys

And they did an odd article on him in 1980 in Playboy Mm-hmm. That was one of the best articles ever read in my life And then the Sergio Otega a guy from the church found the Playboy at a flea market and sent it to me And next time I'll have it here for you just the first paragraph. Yeah, I was a rookie It was a hundred and eight degrees and I was in thousand oaks Just a Dallas guy. Yeah in Oxnard. They're still up there. They just started again. I think so he goes at twenty three dollars A half a gram of coke and eight hits of acid I mean, that's how the paragraph something just crazy, you know

And then he goes on to go to Dallas and how he would come back to LA and hang out at the comedy store With Richard Pry and the point of sisters and they would fucking free base cocaine and then he went nuts But against the doubt against the Denver Broncos in the playoffs right before he went to play the Broncos Yeah, can of orange crush and he fucking crushed and he goes Fuck you motherfuckers up and in the Super Bowl He intercepted the ball and fucking scored a touchdown. So he was bad ass. Yeah, but he's snort and blow with three hands This is the 70s Nobody knows what to do with this fucking the NFL's got him the NBA had this guy Marvin bad news bonds

They threw him out of the game once he came out with a 45 wanted to shoot the ref You know, this is when they were still fucking crazy back when sports were fun fucking crazy Yeah, and this fucking nut is a great linebacker, you know He's a great linebacker his drug use is kind of coming out little by little and then one day when they had the old coach Tom Landry the real old yeah with the hatcher They were losing a national TV and this motherfucker Got a towel from his Drew Pearson had a towel company and he put the cow company in front of his dick Like it was it wasn't a sexual anything. Yeah, that's who you put your thousand if you're quarterback

And he went like this with the towel number one the next day Tom Landry fired him Like fired him knowing he was a coke fiend Yeah, if you watch the footage today as they're going into the locker rooms after a game and people are going yeah, yeah He's like yelling party Where's the Colombians at and all this shit? This is night. They're not ready for this shit. Guess who picks them up Who do you think what team picks them up? I don't know good Miami Dolphins, okay? Perfect. He goes to Miami. I don't even know. I don't even know if he got to play. I don't fucking remember But he's down there maybe a week and he pat like he got caught for smoking pot

So now they can't find me's MIA and they send the big guy from the Oakland Raiders that cop the guy that Wow, bam no every year. He has like his top dozen football players Madden. Oh, okay. Yeah. Madden They found they said mad interview and Madden's like we're here in a disco in Miami in the afternoon And fucking Hollywood's like so what I smoked a joint with a store this and that was the end That's it. Then he went off the deep end But then he found Christ and then he won the lottery in Texas like eight million dollars like the lotto I don't know if he's back on that. What a life. Yeah. Now. When did you get that poster though? A friend of mine named Bob

Lincoln's knew I was a fan like his legendary. Yeah, and sent me this poster I think he sent me a poster. He sent me two great books on him You know, there was just fucking 7-up didn't care that he was doing coke. They put it right. No, they put it right That's why I just forget that it's a 7-up post. I didn't even saw that before. Yeah, America's turning up 7-up. Yeah, what's up dog? How you doing? Fresh fresh I like that new concept. Yeah, so you have this show They don't bother you so you'll never go back to network television. I don't know man. It's gonna be tough Yeah, this new one that they they yeah, they just let you do what you want, which is cool

Which is cool. Somebody if it sucks, then it's all on you But it's it's it's been a good ride with this one. I did a network show about two years ago I was only there for two days didn't bother me at all. I Felt bad for the series regulars because of a CBS. Yeah, and they were getting fucking tortured Yeah, they'll have a lot of thoughts. I was sitting there and I mean the writers and then some guys making faces and then The director would tell no when there was just all and I'm watching this going Why does this even have to happen for us to make a dolly? You know and the something the writers wanted something to work, but the network didn't

And I'm sitting there going what the fuck and it was a popular show got canceled now. It really don't matter I mean at the time, but it's so it's hard, you know It's hard enough to do one of those things every week without you know without having to be at war at the same time You know and protecting stuff and and what have you but there's a lot of places now I think where they've been a little more hands-off Well, you do your thing with you. There's very hands-off. I mean they nobody bothered me on that fucking set at all Marin was I have oh, yeah Do whatever

Nobody shows up. Yeah, you know when you get into And I'll say it I'm 55 years old. I think the worst I ever worked for was Fox. Yeah, they just broke me They really broke me early on I shot five pilots for them. They just broke me. Yeah, they just I couldn't CBS has always been cool with me NBC cool like a motherfucker, you know, yeah, and everybody changes and ABC was cool Fox has always been the one that's always gotten on my nerve every time I do a show for Fox There's a fucking by the way. Yeah, like I'm in a trailer in a bathroom or there's always fucking something I did the best show there was always something, you know, like there was always something with Fox that I didn't have with anybody else

They're the only ones that's it CBS has been cool, but you you know when you get to the set It's like when you do When I did spider-man 2, you know, you get people that open the door fee Yeah, they pay them scale open the fucking door fee and then you turn around to a hundred-dollar a day movie Where ain't nobody doing dick for you, you know, I enjoy we're also gonna need you to open the door Yeah, you gotta open the door. You gotta put your own bro. Did I tell you to bring your own clothes? You know those I've done a thousand hundred-dollar day movies. We're like, wow, I couldn't handle this. You have run to kukuru for us. I mean You know spider-man people would tell you watch that cord. Yeah, they were you know Friday lobster tail

On the grill. Come on and all those people like eating salads. I'm taking lobster tails to go Yeah, I was stealing lobster tails. I had more lobster tails in the room. They run lobster I was fucking you think I'm kidding you. They had a grill They had a 20-foot grill with four guys cooking fucking lobsters on Fridays on spider. Yeah, it's a different world now You can they had the gallons of Palm uh-huh in 9th in 2003 it was five hours for a little bottle of palm It was like 30 for a thing. I would go to spider-man 2 at first for breakfast. I would pour some and I had a duffel bag Best damn sport show don't make right there. It's Sony where we shot that

Yeah, I put the whole down the palm in the fucking bag and take it right to the 30 hours Yeah, you gotta squirrel away and then I'd smoke dope in the green room Sony has a back section That nobody knows about it's like a little hotel And they it looked like little barracks and they put us back there for the overflow They were out of trailers and I loved it that a tv in it that a phone you make long distance calls This is 2003 cell phones still banged you out for a minute. I'm there like fucking carry you're catching up Oh, I'm calling Europe. You know I'm saying I'm making calls, but every morning I get there and I would be lazy

I got so lazy on spider-man 2 that I would just smoke dope in the barracks And then I would pop my head up and I'd see the costume lady pushing the cut the wardrobe in and right behind there I'd see Sam Raimi And right before Sam Raimi would hit the building. I had to run out of the building and grab salmon. Excuse mr Raimi. I don't mean to bother you So they keep smoking marijuana. I'm a christian this shit has to stop And he would walk and go let me get to the bottom That's a good move and then go back and drink your palm

Oh Did you see what the budget was for that the spider-man? Yeah, 200 million. Yeah, they were throwing away money for no reason Like they were those movies like that are fucking crazy once they get that big hit. I guess then oh my god It made them 783. So oh, yeah, no, no they they dropped two To to make a ton of dope the guy wanted an academy award for the set designer for he wanted academy award for star wars I mean that movie was no shortage of dope. Yeah the fan they had To keep you warm because it was August when we shot that dog They had a fucking fan that i'm not kidding you had to be

Okay, you know when he was on the train He was stuck to the train. Yeah, that was a fan blowing at him This fan was like a fucking airplane engine. Oh, yeah, you get out of the way People were fucking things that go flying and shit You know, it was just great when you work on a movie like that it spoils you You know, I had a couple of like I had like taxi and you know, these are okay Yeah, and then when everything hit the fan and the hundred dollar movies started coming out and you're getting there They got like apple

A jar of peanut butter with like a fucking fork in it and you're like I miss spidey. Yeah, there's like three half a donut. Yeah spider-man had Walls of food. Yeah, like well, I'm not kidding you walls of fruit and fucking coke cuts and And never mind the longest year when we were in Santa Fe Adam Sandler hired these women to just carry trays like this like cigarette girls And they would have smoothies and protein like a cocktail party just walking around. We had umbrella girls They went to a strip club in the abacurty and got umbrella girls I want a yard and a half a day to so you wouldn't get a suntan so you would look the way

We were we were shooting uh url ones on woodley and it was hot as hell And uh, we had a pa with an umbrella over jamie presley And somebody she's you know, the pa's following her around a little bit Makes you sure she doesn't get all burned up and somebody drives by and yells at us Yells something like get the fuck out of the road or something and presley starts chasing down this car And she runs about 200 yards chasing the car and the pa's running right next to her with the umbrella on with the funniest looking thing You know the pa's like i'm gonna get a fire if she can sit exactly the sun hits her i'm next

So he just kept right there with her kept her in the shade the whole time. How fucking crazy is our business? So stupid. Well, I like I was I worked in post so I didn't really get a ton of it But I had uh the guy who was the doctor and like dr. Cox and scrubbs come in And he probably didn't say anything But the the my boss went around to everyone that danced and don't look him in the eyes when he comes here I'm serious. Like don't don't look him in the eyes. Do you ever have that great? No, no, I had it. I had it Who'd you have two sets with okay? The first set was in 2001 during when the sopranos was first very very hot And I'll tell the story because he's a great guy. I think he was always cool to me

Uh politically incorrect when you get on the set they tell you come here for a second Don't touch him and don't make eye contact with yeah I got him laughing the one day and then we you know and now when I see him, he's a gentleman Yeah, he'll try to wait. Who was it? Uh, whatever his name is bill marr. Okay. Oh Right Funniest thing I ever heard with bill marr was when I first moved he had dug stanhope went to his birthday party Yeah, because he would hang out the improv and stuff. You know, he was like So Doug stanhope picked up some chick and fucked her on his bed at the party and he found out about it

So bill marr called his management and the improv and the improv make Doug stanhope write an apology He had to apologize Oh my god, dear mr. More. I'm sorry for fucking that girl. The first the first time I saw Doug stanhope was So it was it was a long time ago and it was for a showcase for a network showcase And it was I was like a staff writer on a show and somebody said hey Do you want to go to this thing and I said, yeah, I'll go to it and everybody was getting up there So this must have been like 90 Eight six seven something around there. Yeah eight maybe and so and he gets up

And everybody's just trying to be on their peas and queues. It's all the networks are there or whatever He got up there and just didn't give a shit and just went nuts and was hysterical Nobody everybody was looking at each other going. This is the funniest guy. Nobody knew what what they would do with him So that was that but good lord. Was he funny? David speaking of funny, you see our boy made the fucking cover of rowing stone who we love walker. No, he didn't Really seriously let's pull it up That's amazing. That's amazing. Oh good for him. He hasn't answered the phone in days That's hilarious. Once you hit the cover fucking

Oh, I gotta see I gotta see that unless somebody made it up Unless somebody just made up a fake cover and how is that I? Well, what's the chance of that about 95 percent? We'll see I mean, I hope he did I hope he did He's the guy that they wouldn't sell his albums and came on and he put on the album like that was when I went and saw him Live, uh, and you knew open forum. That was a crazy night. That was crazy. I was standing next to uh, uh, Ron Jeremy the whole time

I think will it deserves it? But I think you might have had a one too many animals, Joey You think so? I think you might have Yeah, I think somebody put on like a fake cover or something I get high at night. Hey, I understand. It's understandable. Sometimes I go home at night. I just I'm lonely dog at night Those fucking two broads go to bed at 9 30. Do you know what happens after 9 30 in my house? It's it's circus time. It's either smoke dope or eat myself. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I I found a bag of expired animals two years old. They were so fucking strong And so good that I went to Weight Watchers I gained four pounds

Like the lady said what happened to you? You were doing so great. Do they give you points for the edibles? Do they tell you the star dad 60 points there 60 calories is one point. Okay, so I always You know I'm sorry. I got put down on the chart edible. There's no chibichu on my fucking. Yeah, it's not on there No, I can't go to Weight Watchers and put chibichu Let's try it. Let's see. Let's just see for maybe, you know one of these days. I'm sure it will be I'm surprised. Yeah, they might have got with the program food. Oh my god. Let's see chibichu chibuh Chu

Yeah, no seven points craft pizza cheese and macaroni Fuck that that's because it knows what that's what you're gonna eat after you eat the chibichu Yeah, no no no no no That's 60 the point the the stars of death were also they're done. They're done. You'll never see a star again No, anarchy rest in peace. Okay. What they just stopped making them out of the government cut them down to 100 Oh, okay The lady wanted to give me something the other day The one I drew wanted to give me something that I think

I've put lead through a lot the last six years And I love him very much and he's my little brother and I tormented him. I gave me heroin like No, he didn't give me heroin. Yes, I do. I always tell him don't go for a pistas because you never know what's in Oh my god, he gave me a bottle of THC liquid That was a thousand milligrams. I think I was the only thing we could take it to the syringe When I saw the syringe for two minutes ago, I'm gonna bring it just to petrify Lee and just yeah But I think I think he won't come back from it. Like he'll never come back from me coming in here with a bottle You're not gonna syringe me. What are you gonna bring a nurse in to put in my pain?

He would definitely go into the therapist and tell her on Friday Joey can give you a shot. He doesn't need a nurse. No, no, no. This wasn't even a needle in it This is just a thing that you oh just to take the water. Oh, yeah, it was right in your mouth It was very white. It was for white people. Got you. Got you to be you know, like, oh my god Look at this you take it and you put it under your tongue You know like now we had a spray. There's a spray that you could thousand milligrams 20 fucking milligrams of spray That's insane

But they cut it down because as of july 1st the law changed again So there's no edibles over a hundred no more. So those sheba chews were the last Now I gotta eat 10 of those together. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it That's too many points. Yeah, did he try the the dropper because if you tried the dropper Lee, I'm not bringing the dropper because I don't think you'll come back when I saw the dropper It gave me goose bumps looking out for you. And if it gave me I was gonna say if it scared Joey, I don't think you would make it. I don't think you come I think you'd sit here that night do the dropper and the next day it'd be like mollum brando and apocalypse now

The letter he wrote his wife saw the house saw the dog. I'm never coming back He went for a pack of cigarettes and never came back Oh my god You might be you might be right if it scares you I'm not gonna argue with you. Oh, yeah I was like, you know, well, Lee's had enough in this life. Yeah You know, fuck this bridge I'm gonna make a clip of this part. This is funny because nobody anymore like he knew about it And I was very surprised we were talking about notters

I grew up in a generation of notters. I spoke about it this week in the United States that I grew up in a time that that light in new york, you know when you press the light and it tells you like 14 There was a time the light didn't tell you that You just yeah, it just went to yellow and then fucking red. Yeah, but junkies would Be at the light waiting across the street and they would not at the light And then they would like miss the whole thing. Oh my god, they would go down to one knee and then get up I mean, I grew up in a generation of notters And I was telling him that one time a guy nodded on up

We got because jersey city was where you got methadone So when we get on the bus to go to high school, we get on the bus With notters that took the bus Like if you took methadone, they give you like a free bus pass. Yeah Yeah, like last week you gave blood and they gave you a five dollar gift certificate Yeah, but a cookie a cookie and the soda they give you five out It's the same thing when you go get the methadone If you went down to they give you like a bus pass

And something else and this guy was our methadone sitting on the bus already gone And he had a newspaper open and it was open And he was drooling and the drool was connected from his lip To the paper great garcy and there was just a big circle and this motherfucker was hitting, you know, how much desire Yeah He wouldn't wake up And we're throwing and those days we shoot spitballs at you like if we got on that bus And you were on heroin we were tormented me and my boys were tormented

These are the last five minutes of happiness the whole way. We start throwing spitballs at you and shit I go I got this and I blew a fart like one of those you who Because in those days I used to always have a butter roll and a you for breakfast and that goes right to your fucking There's no cereal. There's no oatmeal in jersey It's a butter roll and a you who just bread and you don't never forget that blew a fart And this guy was out out like he was like this. This is exactly what his eyes did great garcy. He was like this one Like he just woke up and he he looked around. He's like man, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? They got that shot like pulp fiction that they give to people when they're uh, when they're uh, too too high on heroin

When they're going when they run out of that shot, you could probably bottle your farts What do you mean? Bottle your farts get it to the the the the the the the paramedics Because the whole smelling salt industry is exactly it's so fucking funny. I have a friend who was a junkie My dear friend. We still talk every day. He's my brother. He's my brother I've known since I was and he went through a rough period and whenever they would so when he was my roommate He was on heroin. I was just starting comedy in new york And it's a job was every thursday. He went to the park to move a few rocks And they give him 140 dollars in food stamps and then he'd go to the city and trade in for heroin, you know

He wouldn't trade for cash. He would just direct it for heroin directly for heroin for the food stamps And they'd give him a bus pass But I wait until he get on the heroin I clip the bus pass every thursday Because I used to work in the city So for me to go into the city my friend's father drove the bus But even if I had to be at work at 10 I was so poor that I would have to get up to six o'clock bus because he would let me I'm for free. Now I could sleep late. So I would clip his bus pass And I remember he'd get high on heroin. He looked at me goes. I know you stole my bus pass

I used to call him the pin cushion at the time. He was my roommate And he would get he would go clean from sunday to thursday And then he'd pick up that 140 dollars and he'd get like a gram of coke and whatever you could And was he sick from sunday to thursday or? He would sleep and he would yell Strassley said me and I call me a loser and tell me I'd never be a comic and I loved him I knew he would he was going through So in time to time I'd give him 10 bucks and tell him to go fix and shit

But once thursday came he would go into his grandmother's room and start fucking blasting And I mean when you went into that room sunday, gregg arsia, there was blood on the walls You thought Sharon tain had gotten killed from him missing the vein Like and he would have to spend his whole monday wiping down the walls I mean he would lose like a gal in the blood every fucking weekend So me and my buddies used to call him the pin cushion We'd see him walking back over the bridge and we'd beep out and get in the car. You're fucked. It was Now he's cleaning himself like nothing happened, but

He knows when people are lying Like as soon as prince's plan pulled over he called me and he goes prince got about a week left I swear to my mother's grave. Really? Yeah, he sees it Like one time we went to do the arty lang show and when we left he goes I don't know the fuck. He's kidding. He's higher already. Yeah, and I'm like, no, he's now he's been sober for years But this dude's been there so long. He tells so it was funny yesterday He calls me out of the blue And I'm with mercy. I'm with my daughter watching the news and I pick up from way. What's up, George? And he goes

Look at these fucking idiots Demi Lovato is going through a rough time at the hospital. She owed deed on the 24th. She's not going through a rough time She's dope sick. You dumb motherfuckers like he was arguing with the fucking newspaper Yeah, like he just picks up shit. He'll tell me little things that I don't see You know, you think you're like a man of the world But man, he always picks shit off like he'll tell me this guy's eating pills Yeah, this guy smells like Like how do you know I can smell it? I still smell that shit

He's like an airport dog. Oh my god. He's amazing, but he'll tell me when people I can't tell I can't tell him people. I know people doing coke. Yeah, I did it for 30 fucking years But I can't tell when somebody's doing like a pill or something like that. They came though. Yeah Huh who gives a fuck I mean, we're a weird talent coke. I was blown away when I moved here how much coke was in LA like I I'm sure there was some way in Boston, but I just I didn't hang around with those people and everyone does go Why did you see cocaine? Uh, the first party I went to here was someone I worked with

That's crazy. And it was it wasn't on a table wasn't anything like the hollywood parties that you hear about it Was just so they were taking key bumps is what they call they had like right in front of you They went into another room, but they said that what they were gonna do and and and that's I hear everyone talking about it. I've never that's one of the few things I apparently haven't done but uh They they talked very openly about here and that that's one that I don't hear about is heroin I hear pills now. I don't know that's a huge thing across america because they're communities Drugs are a community

Okay, like I'd sit here for years and tell you I was a junkie for 27 years I think in 27 years three people approached me for heroin and maybe two people approached me for meth Yeah, because it's a community, you know when I first moved here and josh wolf will tell you next time you talk to josh Tell them to tell you about the heroin lesbians in the building. Okay. They were fucking hot I mean torture the ones father invented Something yeah, so they got checks At that time we lived in a building I slept on josh's couch He had the nine kids. Yeah fucking wife and your baby brother

and then The building was crazy. We had a jew upstairs. I thought he was black And he called himself white lightning and he sold weed Then there was a mexican guy the third floor that sold coke Then there was a publicist Then there was a chick that had the best taste you ever seen in your life, but she had no chin But she still sucked a tremendous dick if you would coke that you went over there knocked on the door But there was these then there was a chick that was a light porn actress that was phenomenal

She's from canada. I just saw her in a movie with eric robberts recently Fucking phenomenal living that building. Yeah, but there were these two checks that lived in that building that were Beautiful 25, you know, I never hit, you know, hi. How you doing? I didn't know the whole story. Josh knew the whole story Josh would talk to him. Josh is good looking. They would talk to Josh Josh would film me and they wouldn't even take shot. It was Josh says they have body odor because They were harrowing people that once your clogs filled up

You don't want to sweat because you don't want to sweat the heroin out So when you eat chocolate it activates the heroin again I mean good lord when then I got to meet them and when they were telling me they always wore sunglasses They didn't work and they would just shoot heroin on that But they were none. They were not a little bit. They were both skinny. They were puking. Yeah What a and that's when I learned that this community like any They had 30 friends that would come over. They were all on heroin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like, you know, they're stuck to their own So nobody who does meth. No, okay. They sell 29 000 kilos of meth a year. Somebody's got to be fucking doing it

Yeah I don't do it. I'm not running into meth crowd. I don't think yeah, it's it's so weird like who runs in these crowds So That's why they have little like pills community. Yeah, I know a couple people I know I have two friends that do massive amounts of blow And they eat Massive amounts of pills and every once in a while the guy calls me he goes Joey You're a comic. Do you know anybody and I know a few people I'll get them a hundred of this or a hundred of that

but the community And the price Is like absurd. Yeah Like absurd like I get 60 fucking xanaxes and what do you call those anxiety 1.2 pills? They last me a year I think I get a fucking $14. Yeah, you know, my buddies pay for pills Like $13 a fucking pill. That's crazy. It's a big one of those oxy that thing that that fucking do was eaten That we were talking about them rush limbo

Oh oxy cotton those things are $50 a piece. I heard. Yeah, I don't know I never knew I knew one person who did oxy cotton in my life. Can't get off that shit either Yeah, that's great. It's uh, it's scary But but do you do you agree? Do you think that coke is Maybe a bigger circle out here like I think I think I think there's You walked outside if you talk to people about coke when I was growing up it was you do coke and now it's like, oh Yeah, it's fun. You watch you watch an articles at all. Yeah. Love you watching at all. Yeah Do you see the part when they he thought he was gonna get fired and then he quit

But when the guy called him back goes, we'll make this bullshit Then go away and they talked to him and they said something that they moved 370 metric tons of cocaine A ton is 2,000 fucking pounds The united states alone in the early 80s Was doing 400 tons a year of cocaine Good lord somebody was doing it Yeah

Yeah Somebody was fucking doing it Where'd you grow up Lee right outside of Boston? Okay, and I'm sure they had it But I was I was a dork and I I mean I saw weed and stuff but I Even talking to people like I would hurt people about doing ecstasy I heard about that more than I but I didn't hear anyone doing heroin or Math or when you grew up where you grew up in virginia. Was it a drunk neighborhood? I mean were you exposed to it? No, you'd see some stuff. There was weed people smoking weed

I think I saw coke like two or three times randomly Uh ecstasy wasn't around so I never even heard of that Um, there were guys that did acid a bunch of guys that ended up following the grateful dead They did a lot of acid my first uh my first day of college somebody put acid in my beer Slipped it right in the beer Yeah, what'd you think? No, it was the second day first day. We were all drinking in the dorms

And we were drinking vodka and the second night we were drinking and these guys came down and they the night before it's Saw a grateful dead poster on my dorm room and they're like, uh, hey man Hey, you want to take some acid with us tomorrow? I was like, no, I'm good man. I'm just gonna drink. So are you sure? I'm like, no, I'm good. I'm good So then they called me down to the room. I mean the southern guy and they're like come on down We're gonna drink some beers and they gave me a beer Miller Miller genuine draft I think it was and the top wasn't on it, but I wasn't thinking anything that like here you go

let's let's have some beer so drank and drank and Then I started feeling like Uh, something's a little something's a little wrong here. You know something's something's going on and then I chugged the beer Uh, because we were playing some tricky game and I threw up and there was a little bit of blood And I was like, what the what is this? You know, I got a little nervous and I uh, I decided I'm gonna go to the doctor. I'm gonna go to the doctor and these guys drove me there And then it wasn't till I got back

Because the doctor was like, what'd you do? And I go, I don't know. I drink a lot of vodka yesterday. He goes, I will take these pills You'll be fine And uh, I came back to the dorm and that's when somebody told me hey those dudes put acid in your beer and then I just was up all night and You know just finally fell asleep at about six in the morning Woke up around 10 a.m Went down to grab the empty bottle of vodka from two nights before knocked on their door One guy's laying in bed. The other one is standing at the door. I said, did you fucking put acid in my beer?

He goes, yeah, man. He goes, we thought you thought it was cool You thought it would be me and I hit him with the bottle and gave him about Eight stitches in his chin blood started jumping out of his, you know And they were all bigger than me and then the guy in bed started to get up and I told him to stay in the bed so he did and then uh Then they came back to school and I was pissed off at them obviously because you know what the hell and uh And they didn't get in any trouble in the school

They ended up turning themselves in because they thought I was gonna turn them in that turned crazy And then the funny part the the the ending to this was I decided you know what I'm gonna sue these dudes because they're they're they're they're being assholes and they're they're They're flaunting it a little bit I've still pissed off that they did it and I'm look I'm 18 years old and I'm thinking you know I wouldn't do that today, but I'm like I am 18. I'm gonna do this I sue them. I end up suing them for six million dollars right

Now these guys don't have I hit them with a lawsuit for six million dollars They don't have any money And my lawyer is my soccer coach when I was a little kid, right? So we're talking about we're gonna go to court with them and everything and this was all happening over the summer and uh and a day before court um My soccer coach pulled me and he goes listen man. They've they've they've made an offer, you know, I'm thinking all right Cool. What's this? You know what he he said they've offered

$7,000 And I said seven thousand he goes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I'll take my cut You'll get about five grand and uh I go but you were suing for six million he goes Yeah, but they don't have it and if you get up on that stand you got to sit there in front of everybody You've got to talk about every single thing you've ever done. They're gonna grill you Your parents are gonna hear anything you've done or your perjury. I said take the seven thousand. Take the seven Jesus, it's fucking crazy how you

An attorney could make you become like a fucking victim Yeah sad we live in this that's the sad part of But he was right too. It would have been blood from a stone these these they didn't have anything You know when I robbed that jewelry store when I was 18, it was the same thing The guy made a smart move when I disappeared the cops were looking for me the guy was a little connected They told them they said listen if you arrest them What's he gonna do pay your restitution? I go in front of a judge and go I only make ten dollars a month. Yeah, you got a dollar a month for life

By the time you get your money back So he paid the cops to look the other way And he got the insurance in 30 days There you go Because if you get arrested then you gotta get restitution the guy was like one million Yeah, I didn't want to chase these guys down the rest of the funny one other thing was they said When we hit him with the lawsuit they said to my my lawyer they said Hey, we're gonna counter sue you because your client

You know hit our client in the chin with a bottle and he got eight stitches in his chin So we're gonna sue you right back and my lawyer quickly said well. Yeah, my client was on acid I mean, he's not he's not responsible for whatever the fuck he did quick thinking soccer teacher. Yeah. Yeah, exactly He was a good soccer coach and a good lawyer. So yeah, that all that was a crazy little intro to college for sure You know, it's so crazy. I was telling Lee that It's like my situation with my ex-wife, you know, we have a really bad situation I have a 27 year old I'm talking to and a couple weeks ago. I wrote a letter I was like, you know, I wrote all the things how I fucked up, you know

And there's times till I go, you know, someday she's gonna raise her hand, you know But you can't She can't yeah Because she's gonna expose herself to even worse, you know, it's even worse for her She's a pillar in her community, you know, she's that all I had to do is open one thing She could probably sink me but I can sink her Because those type of people are very concerned about what people think Do you felt like yeah, she came through one time and she goes

I'm changing the baby's name because the friends I hang out with aren't really crazy about spanish last names You know, yeah, she's part of that community in boulder that they're very avant-garde and she wanted the kid to have a spanish last name now you wrote the letter. Did you send it? No, I live on fire now. Now why not send it? I wanted to come clean with myself. Yeah, whatever you wrote it for yourself Yeah, you know for a long time. I had anger I had this anger at and I'm like listen Let's say it was 1995. Wasn't I really ready to be a parent of 95? Yeah, would you leave your kid with me in 95? I don't think so. Not that I was a bad person. Yeah, I just wasn't ready

How old were you? 32. Yeah, I was 32 going on 16. I was mentally fucking, you know Between the drugs and the deaths and the fucking damage I had been through. I was done, you know And I said a lot of things and I made a lot of actions, but I'm not stupid either. You know, this is one of those situations where you did this and I did this She could never like she could write a book about 85 to what she saw in those six years. Mm-hmm fucking destroy people It would destroy people. She was right there with me. Mm-hmm, you know, like she would make me take piss test for marijuana, but she would break into my house and steal weed

I She's one of those type of people. Yeah, you know, I say so you never went with those type of people Like I would I say to her I I would get to my house and I could see the trail of weed Because I always had weed in the bottom freezer and though in the lettuce thing That's why we keep from wasting colorado the crisper the crisper. Yeah I was taking weed in there And this is when I was dealing pounds. She would go in there and take weed and Go to the probation department. They would test me for marijuana. So that's a playing field. She was that

Yeah, so when she went to that playing field I took it to the playing field that I grew up with To fucking seek and destroy, you know, and I was telling Lee that When I did speak a couple years ago, I apologized to her because we went to court one last time for contempt And we went up in front of the judge that sentenced me And by this time I had this judge in my pocket. I was writing them letters every month telling them I'm trying and I'm going back to school I got my gd. I'm turning into a comedian. I'm trying. Thank you for giving me a chance Thank you for sending me to prison. I mean, I had this guy. Yeah, I had him just in case something happened again

He he had documentation. Yeah, we walk into civil court and there he is And I won I never forget on the way out Like I had they told her if you don't show up with the kid again It's contempt the court. We're gonna lock you up and have a sheriff And I remember walking out of there and that 200 yard walk Was the worst walk of her life. Yeah Like red garcy. I said things that uh human being doesn't say You know, I went way below the belt in front of her husband like

Did you ever tell him I put the carrots in your pussy and you say, I mean, oh, yeah And she even brought the detective that arrested me to be a character witness against me like he was how he's still involved in drugs And he's telling me to shut up. I'm like, you shut the fuck up, bitch. You can't arrest me I'm just talking out here. This is this has nothing to do with you And her face is red and then when they walked out, they were a husband and couple team I said so many things to her like I stuck it up her ass With the carrot I call it Kathy carrots. How long did this court stuff go on for? I mean, it's so toxic It went on from 91 to 95. It ruined me Greg Garcia. It ruined me financially

It ruined me because we were friends This didn't have to happen this way But I knew after the third month of our separation That I was gonna have a hard time with that kid something was gonna go down with this kid. That was her weapon. Yeah to show me You know, that was her weapon to show me that she was the boss So it was weird when I got in that car June or July 1st of 1995 and I left bold I knew I knew that my life was gonna change and I was never gonna be a father's never gonna get invited to a first communion or

I knew yeah, you know, you know, it was done and then I would come home I booked a Taco Bell commercial I was making a lot of money here and I would go home to meet her and At that time since I had left the state. I really had lost my rights to see her So I would call him and say let me meet with her on Wednesday and she would go okay Then she called me back on she's too busy with Girl Scouts She can't come see you. So that's how then she took her out of the country playing games. She moved to london for a few years It was uh, it was rough for but now you get to do it all

What do you mean? Well, would you know? Well now I got a second chance. Yeah, and this is why i'm To the book with this then i'm to the book with this great like I told you I had five lives A cat's got nine lines. You know before I was telling you I was a volunteer fireman for a while and Then you know the start that I was telling lady on that about the 90s You know like that the success I have today in comedy is because of the work I put in the 90s Yeah, yeah, I heard you talking about sleeping on buses and trains and you know, it's it's uh So You get to do it all again

And there's nobody that that isn't gonna be a better parent in their late 40s and 50s Then they would have been in their 20s and 30s I had kids in my 20s and 30s and I know I was I'm a better parent now For the youngest one than I was for the You know for the other ones because I you know you're young you're young too How old is your oldest 20 and what's your relationship? It's great. It's great. I I would say That's the roughest relationship as he was growing up because he Knew what he wanted to do. He was you know, he was more

You know bullheaded than the other ones I guess and then I was also working a ton You know, I I would work on my name is Earl. I'd work 14 hours a day You know every day and so I would see people I'd see the family on the weekends Because when I left in the morning, they were asleep and when I got home at night, they were asleep How was that correct? How does that feel? It's rough. It's rough. You know now You know, they all turned out great. My kids all turned out great So I'm not gonna say like oh, I wish I would have done that because also that afforded us Opportunities for other things, you know, it's a balance and I think you know a lot of people, you know

In your 20s and 30s, you know, it's a balance and of just like, you know You got to provide for these people and at the same time you want to be there, you know So I I tried very hard on weekends to be there, you know and and not work on the weekends And then when I did have time off, you know, you get stretches of times off, you know In tv during the hiatus and I'd make sure I was around for that But I know for a fact, you know, I'm definitely better dad now I got more time now too, but but you just you mature, you know, you're less selfish. You're you know, everything Everything is a good older. I was not ready

For anything like I was not ready for My marriage You know, I totally that I failed that marriage who fails at marriage It's the simplest thing in the world. You fuck and you talk It's right or wrong. That's pretty much it. Yeah, I mean you fuck and you talk and you communicate When I failed at divorce, I don't know if it was my Catholicism or me being me It really got to me that I had failed at something so simple With a human being that's it. Hey listen, you fail at fucking rock climbing. That's one thing

Yeah, you you come and you take a bronze and skiing in the olympics. That's another thing Us failing as human beings That's absurd to me Yeah, but you also have the added You know Stuff of you're talking about having to deal with another person, you know, I mean your rock climbing. There's just a rock You know, you got a to fail at a marriage, you know, it is a two-way street I mean, you know, there's a lot going on there. I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about that

No, there is Greg because no matter what happens throughout the arguing or whatever There's got to be a point before before you Go to the court That I could turn at you and go Greg. Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah seven years here Three we dated before that that's 10 We need this

Yeah, you think you'd be able to figure it out then really great. We need all this What the fuck you you dropped a half a mil that you didn't have I dropped 200 grand that I didn't have plus another hundred and credit cards that I didn't have For what what did we both fucking we lost 800 thousand dollars? We're not friends no more She doesn't have a dad. She has a stepdad who did a great job. I can't take nothing away from but That always comes back to the bunch in the air. Yeah, but everybody wants to win. It's about ego It's about ego. So I put it in simplest terms as I can you ready

She got a life and I got a life I got to become my comic And she got to get away from me and raise her daughter the way she won It's just like man on fire a life for a life. Yeah, that's it. It's man on fire a life for a life This time as I sit here. Oh, Jesus Christ, you know, she was there the night I robbed those dudes with the nine millimeter You know, she could she go on any talk show today

And tell three hours of stories, but I got stories. Yeah, you got stories too I got and you got more places to tell them. So oh, yeah, and I've told half of them And I got a forgery story that that that shit don't go away Yeah, I'm saying I got a forgery story that I could get fathers Behind me a support, you know saying like father's groups this father's groups that I just had too much pride to contact them at one point That you contact them and their groups and they tell you these are all I have a friend I can't say I grew up with him another guy. I know from the fifth grade

He married a chick that our father had so much money Dangerous yank the kid Like the wife changed her name the kid changed her name. He hasn't seen his kids Since she was three just vanished vanished, huh Went to court beat him in court for soul custody He got visitation. She turned it around She turned a rehab stint around for pain medication

He had broken like a leg and got hooked on pain medication like in 2001 And she turned it into this fucking and I know this guy this guy's had the same job all his life He's one of those dirty dudes. I just grew up with him. He's never no contact. No nothing Hmm Yeah, I you know, I I definitely if I would have uh If I would have married any number of girls that I dated uh instead of my wife I don't think you know, it wouldn't have lasted, you know, there's luck there too, you know finding the right person

But you know growing up there wasn't a lot of divorce growing up where no no And then and and then I moved out here. I moved to my neighborhood probably 16 years ago and I met about Let's say I met like 10 to 12 couples 11 of them divorced At this point and it's crazy Crazy to me and I said to my mother I was saying that to her and I was like, yeah 11 She goes, that's because that's because you uh, that's because they have money And I said, I don't know about that people, you know get divorced. She goes no

It's because they can afford she goes you think I would have stayed with your father if we could have afforded two houses She goes you think for a second if I thought I could get my own house I would have been and I thought yeah, yeah, I got it. I could see that I could see that But It also reminds me of something that somebody said once they last this old couple. They said, how did you stay married? What was your secret? How'd you stay married for 50 years? And he said, well, we didn't get divorced That's pretty much it. We kept fighting, but you know, we just stayed I mean, I have good and bad days with my wife. Yeah, but I couldn't imagine a life without my wife at this point

Oh, no, absolutely. No, absolutely. Especially a guy like you that worked 14 hour days and she covered the spread Most wives are like, oh, no, no. I couldn't have done any of that, you know Fuck you She ended up, you know, she's got to carry the load for all that stuff And I think you're also in the thick of it with a with a with a a kindergartener I mean we the most we ever fought was when the kids were little when We're stressing about the kid and and we're arguing over what's the best way to deal with the kid and whatever

And then I noticed as you know, as the kids got older And we stayed married longer you kind of mellow you you mellow out with that stuff And and it gets to the point now where like if somebody raises their voice or it starts to get mad It's almost like the other person's like, oh, shit. This is that important to you. No, no, no, that's good You got it your way. We don't need to fight I grew up in a house, bro, where there was yelling screaming that drove me crazy I hate walking into a house with his yelling screaming. Yeah, it reminds me of my house growing up I hate that shit

So I always swore, you know thinking over the years that I don't like dropping my house Like I don't even want to see a fucking beer bottle in my house Like I like coasters and shit. Yeah, I was fucking ass. Uh-huh I always think that your house should be your sanctuary, you know, like I go home for peace like when I was married The year before I got separated I would go home to hate myself Like we didn't really it was uh, it was uh It was a home without a heart. Have you ever lived in a home without a heart?

I have been lucky not to but I can imagine it sucks I lived in two homes without hearts before my mother died the home didn't have a heart She was like two people who lived together me and my mom. Yeah, and then when I got sick She became mom again, but it was too late. She died two months later. Uh-huh and then uh when I got married I lived in a home the last year was a fucking horror show I basically went home at six ate dinner kissed a baby and I was a doorman at a comedy club But it was like I didn't want to be home

That's a horrible. Yeah. No, that's rough when you have a child that you don't want to be home And I've worked with guys that don't want to go home and it's just like it kills me Yeah, those guys those type of people fucking kill me Yeah, so either either in charge and they're keeping everybody there because they want a good don't want to go home Or you see them just staying after it's over and like they're just staying in their office and I don't get that man. That's that's that's rough. That is rough. I can't imagine I've had 50 000 arguments with agents over the years about this shit that we do And how it works for me and what doesn't work for me the every other week works for me

And time off like in june and december Works for me, you know Uh, these guys that go out a lot with kids. I don't see it. Yeah, you have to be home Yeah, you have to be home Uh I love Doing stand-up and making money. We all do especially you got because they got to go on the weekends And that's when the kids are home

I mean it's one thing if they can get out during the week or something because you know kids are busy a lot of the time But yeah, then those weekends are important. They got the games. They got whatever else other thing I do is I don't I don't Talk about I never bring any work home with me either. I think that's that's uh a key sometimes too Do they ask you like that? I was a cool working with this guy dad. How was it working with this chicken? That's not what your house is about. No, no, I mean once in a blue moon I mean my oldest son he he's interested in entertainment business. So he'll ask more questions, but Like I won't come home and talk about work at all Like we've just finished shooting that the season two of the guest book my wife doesn't know

What it's about nothing and she'll sit down and watch them all and that'll be great because I'll have a fresh audience But I don't I don't come home and talk about work at all. There's too many other things going with three kids There's other stuff going on They don't need to hear about it nor do they they don't really care too much Now what's your typical year look like? Now Well now it's been pretty it's been pretty relaxed now because with this new show we do 10 episodes at a time I write all 10 of them myself

So I just take my time to get those done and then we shoot them for 10 weeks and then we edit them for You know about two months. It takes so how long does it take you to write the 10 episodes? Usually it depends on the episode, but usually what I'll do is I'll have a pretty good idea I'll let something something just like kind of marinate in my mind a little bit. I'll be thinking about it I'm not even writing stuff down, but I'm just thinking about it for a while. Then I'll sit down. I can usually write a script in a day But I sit down at 6 30 in the morning and I don't get up out of that chair

Except to go grab something to eat sometimes my wife comes in back of the house says walk around a little bit I won't get out of that chair until four in the morning And just write and I'll just force myself to just keep going and going and going and going And by the end of it, I got a first draft and then next couple days I'll kind of mess with it a little bit and uh and play with a little bit But it's that one day when I decide I'm going to write I just write it on the calendar And that's it. I just sit there and I just refuse to get up until it's done That I could do two two hours of the shot

Yeah Because of my back I could do two hours then I force myself to get out and walk if not I'll stay there all day Yeah, and that's not bueno either for me Because I lose my fucking mind. Yeah those four walls and you're not really on it But also you're not on a on a deadline necessarily, right? I mean because you're you're writing you're collecting all your stuff But is somebody saying to you it's got we got to get it by here. We got to have it then that would kill me Yeah, that would kill me because I'm not confident in my writing

So when I wake up the next day and I look at it If I wrote two paragraphs one paragraph always goes. Yeah, what the fuck is this shit? Like what the fuck is this shit? Yeah, you know, so one paragraph always goes. So I'm basically writing A little every day, but I'm also cleaning up yesterday's garbage. Yeah Well, you got to just write down whatever and don't worry about it and just get through it and then go back So I write four different things at once when I wake up in the morning. I have a notebook and I put my feelings up I feel like shit is what's going on. I can't believe I did this. I'll never eat those edibles again You know, you know, just spill whatever's on my mind. Yeah

And then I have a notebook that I write to my daughter Every couple days. So what's going on in my life? So if I die I want to know what the fuck I was thinking. Yeah at that time period That's very important for children. So there's never any doubts When my mother died left out a lot of doubts in my life. I don't want my daughter to have doubts This is what it is. Got it. And I'll wrap them up in rubber bands and Leave it in the fucking safety deposit box or something. Yeah for mercy And then on the iPad I have jokes now. I really like the iPad that my wife got me. There's a writing app on there

And I have jokes in there I have the book Then I just have individual stories. Yeah Like this one I'm writing is about martial arts in america today When I joined martial arts, there was a black dude that walked around with a shinsu wooden sword And if you giggled and shit He hit you with the fucking sword and you had to do push-ups and You had to bring your karate teacher your report card and if you didn't get good grades

You're fucking you were allowed to go in and do Jumping jacks and sit-ups, but what you weren't allowed to learn he would make you sit there and do fucking homework With your uniform on like a fucking bunch You know, you can't do that today. Yeah, I take my daughter to martial arts and I had to tell the teacher a few times Yo, tell her to fucking knock it off Tell her to stop doing somersaults Tell her to stand with attention. Don't be scared yell at my fucking kid. Yeah, that's why we're here Yeah, that's why we're here for discipline yelling at them. I don't they look at me. Don't look at me

Look at him. He's the fucking boss of the hour. Yeah, you know, uh I got a little pissed last week for the first time. I got to be honest with you guys She came home with a medal. I go. What the fuck is the medal for and she told me that There was a race, but she raced herself. So they gave her a fucking medal So yesterday at karate she couldn't do the punches combinations. She started crying Whenever we get home, she'd always get out of the car and took she won a race And then she'd say I win I win I win, you know, I wanted to teach how to fucking lose sometimes It's not all win

I play a card game with her. She's fucking good at it. She beats me every time. I gotta cheat to be there I actually have to cheat to beat her and she gets pissed when I beat her, but I gotta show her You know, you have to show you they gotta lose to get that To get that feeling in their stomach. So they want to win the next time, you know So I was taken to jujitsu But there was one guy and there was no other kids and she was learning great stuff But I wanted to see what her reaction would be the kids her age You know, if I hire you to come over and beat lia, you're not gonna beat lia

You know literally if I give you 200 a day to come over and train Lee You don't let Lee choke you in shit because the day you bit slap Lee He's gonna come tell me you bit slapped them and that's the end of your 200 a day Yeah No, I'll give you an extra yard for punching them in the fucking stomach. That's the school I come from I want to see him in his worst So in life fucking really, you know, when I went to karate one day they kicked me in the stomach so hard That they knocked the air out of me when you're a kid and you get the oxygen knocked out of you. It's a script

Oh, yeah, you think you're dying. I'm not telling my mom. I'm not going back and my mom goes listen You either get back in there right now while punching the stomach 50 fucking times You won't even you won't get oxygen in that fucking stomach for 20 fucking years You understand me and she made me go back in today's society your parents aren't allowed to do that Don't call the cops. Yeah, if a parent sees you do that. Yeah Yeah, my buddy was telling me a story about he just put his Hands on some kid's shoulders because the kid was acting crazy at the park and he said, oh, come on, buddy And just they went nuts on him

Don't you touch my kid? Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba my kid's fine. But you know, I don't and just you know, just just trying to move him You know out of the way I tell my wife because my wife is part of the white generation that she can't I tell my wife all the time mind your fucking business About three years ago she went to a park and thousand oaks or something for one of those fucking things and there was almost a child abduction They ever tell you about that. I told you I told the story. All right, and how they do it is they cause a commotion And then you go run over with your kid and they state steal your kid And I told my wife, don't you ever run turn your back on that? My wife knows the rule now. Yeah, don't ever turn your back on mercy

I'd say I listen I don't give a fuck I had to tell my wife about a month ago at a pool thing. Do me a favor I'm not here to insult you. You know, I love you and respect you I make the cash in this house. Put that fucking phone away Watch your kid. Don't turn into the studio city of parents. I've seen shit in this Facinity here. Yeah, that'll make you fucking curdle I've seen people bring their kids to swim class That'll allow, you know, like mommy and me and they put the nanny in the pool with their kid

Yeah, nanny they sit there And fucking text and do whatever the fuck they do parents filled with tattoos and shit What do you think this kid's gonna grow up to be? What are his chances? Yeah So with me, I'm old school. You know what man? I I did some bad things growing up and I had some bad breaks But I got myself out of it because of what I learned as a young man What was instilled in me by my mother and I learned all those lessons. I remember dog. Oh, sure I remember my mother going if you don't get back in that karate school

It's not gonna be good for you in the cause. Yeah, it's gonna be a long day for you in the cause I'm gonna beat you to like fucking and I was like I used to get spanked all the time I would get hit with this metal ruler and there was no Doubt that I deserved every single one I got and it made me think twice about doing some other stupid shit It was it It was the way to go really is fucking crazy It was the way to go how much time has changed But I kind of got pissed at that like this friday. They're doing two buddies are getting married

Yeah at the camp. I gotta go witness two buddies getting married. You know that shit's cute. I like it But there's a lot of shit that's going on today in the kid world that fucking doesn't doesn't cook for me great garcy Yeah, just you're not doing nothing good for this kid. You're not doing them any fucking favors No, I trust me especially with my younger one I see these other little kids he runs around with and they run rough shot over their parents and it's just like What the fuck man? How are you gonna be talked to like that? It's like Kids just say no, uh, uh ain't doing it, you know It's like what I freaked me out as a kid because my parents weren't like I got spanked a few times

But that was the extent of it But when I saw kids talk back to their parents and like yell at their parents. Oh, shit. I almost died Yeah, first time like first time I saw like a white kid my neighbor white kids were notorious for yelling at their parents I saw that shit and I was like, oh That's fucking stitches in my house. That's automatic fucking stitches that talking back Yeah, my mom used to give me this backhand Like it was calling top. I woke up Just a backhand. Like if I said something wrong from time to time it was like effortless. You just give me like a bam

Right, my lip would bleed the shit a little bit like I got a thousand of those I remember getting the beaten ones at a restaurant And do you know my mom used to the Cuban doctor we had In the days the Cuban doctor would make a house call But my mom was in with him so much he'd go listen. There's no reason for me to come back Here's a syringe and here's some penicillin if you get sick just give him a shot yourself. Yeah Bro, my mom was shot happy with that fucking thing every time because I was a sickly fucking kid every time you sneezed Oh, come here and she would get me like an uh, what's that when they hold your head like a headlock? Yeah

Because I would go it's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt. She would get me in a guillotine And fucking stab me with the needle and I'd toughen up so I'd have a bruise halfway down You know how many blood clots I had all these people that died from blood clots go fuck yourself I had so many blood clots. There was a time she gave me a knee. I couldn't walk for four fucking days because I would fight her I would fight them. I had this doctor called Orlando. No value. That was a coke fiend So he would come over to the house. He'd take my temperature and he'd go, oh, son, don't you we're gonna have to give you a shot And I go, all right, let me think about it. He loved it because he'd go out in the room Have a couple drinks. Yeah do a couple bumps of coke and shit and then he come back in and then give me a shot

I didn't know he was a coke head until I got older years later. He'd come and join Don't move. I'll give you a shot. And then we're like after my mother died. He was my family doctor I went to him for years. Oh, I don't know why yeah, so I cut a deal with him I would give him an eight ball every week if he gave me prescriptions for steroids with my friends See all my friends had anavar and windstraw and I would just bring him an eight ball And the last time I saw him was a discotheque in new york and he came up to me. I'm like 19. He's like 50 He's like, oh, son, don't you get in it by the car? I saw That means what do you got for your head? I go up

Beena Asked me was When he asked somebody just walked away from me and that's it and about two years ago I heard he's still alive in miami They stripped his license. Yeah, I wonder why because he had two kids that were my age and during the 80s They stole all his prescriptions past. Okay and fucking were giving out valiums and fucking xanax's to the whole town He does all that shit and the kids screw them over the kids screw them over dog There was a time in this country if you didn't go to school

You had to get a doctor's note the doctor charged you 25 for a note. Yeah. Did you know that? No You just go to you could you could you could start a school for a week Give him the wrong number and then just go to a doctor say that was I need a doctor's note. Well, what's wrong with you? doc With 25 hours Yeah And they give you the 20 give me a doctor's note. You go into school and give the doctors know the tone You can't do that no more

Where are you getting 25 dollars? Don't worry about it. No, he's he's sold drugs He's stealing from your dad somebody's got some 25 hours Greg Garcia, what else is happening? Oh, man So what do you do not talk to but you just editing just editing and then this show should come on in october And uh, I gotta figure out what's next is actually, you know, just thinking about some ideas and uh You know, that's I'm gonna chill out a little bit. Sorry. I did not know about the jimmy buffet thing Oh, yeah closed in about four months. It did not do as as uh good as they expected But it's going to go on a national tour in 2019 and they think that's where

They're really going to get the audiences the new york audiences the theater critics They were not ready for a jimmy buffet musical, you know And you really need those really good reviews to get people to come in Broadway with the jimmy buffet ever show up Was oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he would come he would come on special occasions and play at the end of the show and stuff And he was great. He was he was a cool guy I loved working with him and everything ended up hanging out with him down in the keys and Flying in a plane with him where he's flying the damn plane and it was it was a lot of fun 70 or 71 one of the two

And still plays shows goes out there with just shorts and a t-shirt and no shoes and And tell me he still gets 10,000 people a show. Oh, he he sells. Oh, yeah Yeah, he'll sell out major major stadiums. Yeah. Yeah, he'll yeah, absolutely And that's why they're going to strategically what they do is now that it will the show will tour And it'll go to all those cities where he sells out, you know, and so once we get out of new york I think it's going to do pretty well because it did great in uh, La Jolla in new orleans houston and chicago it went to all those places and sold out the whole time Did great then went to broadway. They booked a theater that I think was too big 17

Seat the 1700 seat theater And you know, you got to sell those seats to keep the lights on in those places Are they going to put another show in when did margarita bill come on? I got to go take it quickly. Yeah Keep you entertained them So do you do you write this this broadway play? Yeah, so we wrote the uh, we wrote the story for it So basically you take jimmy they tell you look here's jimmy buffett's music. We want to uh We want to sing all these songs in the show you guys got to come up with I wrote it with this guy named michael malley You guys have to come up with a story that it makes sense to to to hit these you know to hit these songs along the way

So you you got to sit down and listen to the songs and be like, all right Well, what are we going to do here? So you listen to a song and then maybe you think all right I'll create a character that's in that song so it'll make sense when they're you know when they're singing that song So you kind of create the characters listening to songs then you start to figure out a story and and and see how it all Weave together so it was a big big math project really because I was lucky I went to a lot of uh Theater as a kid I got to go to broadway But it's very different like because you just said you wrote you write sitcom pilot sitcom scripts in a day 24 hours, how long does it take to write something like this? Well, this was ridiculous because I mean

I don't know how long it took from just like sitting down and writing but the process would take it took four years Wow, it took four years because All other people like the producers and the director they're working on other things So like you'll turn in a script you won't hear anything for six months And then it just keeps changing and changing and changing like you you know You do you do so many performances of it and so many rehearsals that they just want to keep changing and changing and changing So it takes forever. Have you ever written a play but like previously? No, no, no This is the first time I I didn't even I didn't go seek this out. I was sitting in my house one day and

Actor writer Michael Malley called me up and said hey, you want to write a musical and I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? A musical and he's like, yeah, man He goes we got it's Jimmy Buffett's music and we got all the producers and the money and everything's there And all we have to do is come up with a story and knowing that my oldest son is Wanting to be in theater and wanting to work with Michael Malley again I was like, yeah, let's just yeah, why not and how and I thought at the time What's going to take a month two month will write this script will be done with it and then four years later That's how long it took because of all the stuff

But and it turned out that Buffett was a fan of my name is Earl and that's why when my name came up He was like, yeah, yeah, yeah get him get him and And so it was interesting. It's a different it's a different world because I'm used to being in charge Which is nice, you know When you have a vision that you can just go do and make sure that you get it You know the way you want it and you can direct it yourself and whatever But that wasn't the case with this, you know I was like I was the I was the writer and the director was in charge

And so that was a rough transition for me to all of a sudden sit there and watch Him give the notes to the actors and not necessarily I'd give him my notes But I couldn't give my notes directly to the actors So I'd have to give him my notes about like, hey, this would be funny or if this person said it like this And he'd be like, oh, okay And then he I'd watch him go give the note, but he wouldn't give the note all the way right So he wouldn't really give the note So you're just sitting there going crazy

And then you got to give the note again and again and it was a it was a it was an interesting Process, that's for sure. Was that your first shot at theater? Yeah, my first and last I'll never do it again It's so competitive in new york. Yeah, that's why people go to new york, bro. Oh, absolutely It's to go to fucking theater. Half of them get one ticket, which they fucking bang you up for How much are the tickets for buffer? They were anyway I mean, I think they started to go lower and lower But I think you could get in there for about 80 bucks and then if you want to sit in like the best seats

It's like 250 dollars You know and they're trying to sell 1700 seats. How many shows a week? eight Eight shows a week So what was happening with that show thousand people you got to get a week a week 13 14 g's a week you got to pull it and what was happened on the weekends They they were they were doing really well, but then you know tuesday wednesday thursday, you know It wasn't it was you know, they weren't filling the place up and they had to they had to shut it down

When did margaritaville come out 77? imagine that so 77 I was about 13. Yeah, and I would smoke pot and I would go to the shitty fucking nine around tundly avenue was horrible horrible It's not there and nobody remembers. It's like a ghost like nobody. It was even on wheels This diner and they used to have those jukeboxes, you know, that you play a seat 10 Yeah, and we would listen to margaritaville and we would smoke pot and go in there when the waitresses are coming

We would laugh in the face And then she would say I'll come back when you grow up That type of shit Yeah, we'd all drive to the beach and listen to jimmy buffett. That was the craziest part because I'm you know My friends back in virginia. They're all big jimmy buffet fans and my wife is a big jimmy buffet fan And so they came to the shows I flew everybody down to new Orleans and they met, you know, buffett and everything That was the best part of the whole thing like I don't It works. It doesn't work. It doesn't matter to me

I just you know, it was a whole experience and to be able to live that with the people that you would listen to that music with And all of a sudden they're just like this is crazy. I'd be in my office writing Working on stuff and I changed some of the lyrics to to make sense for the story I had to change some of the lyrics and my wife would come in she'd be like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm changing the lyrics to changes in latitude and she's like, this is crazy This is insane So it was a trip. It was definitely I'm glad I did it not gonna do it again, but I'm glad I did it It went so funny when you came in. Let me give a shot. Shout out some yeah

Cassius Morris, congratulations on your hundredth episode one by one podcast always there Brandy Lynn. I love you. Dakota utep viny tokes tom betts Sinclair and killing them over there in europe, man. Do you see his pictures? Oh my god. Jesus christ And my man wane woods. Don't forget Next thursday kc improv bitches Thursday friday saturday i'm going up against rogan on friday So i won't see nobody there, but i'll see you mother fuck this thursday and saturday and then at the end of the month i'm in huntsville alabama

And one show and then I go down a fucking nasa will for four shows. So if you're in the area stop and say hello You know, it's funny. I was at a pitch meeting And people always, you know, well, this is a cross between masters of the universe and the sopranos and People and I was sitting there going Nobody ever says this is a show about this and fucking raising hope Or this is a show of this and my name is zero because Nobody does what you do bro. Yeah, those shows both had they both had pretty specific You know one guy, you know, what was one one guy got a serial

Serial killer pregnant and took her and took the baby and then yeah, the other guy had to listen everything those were pretty specific Pretty specific story. So I guess my name is real caught me when you had the episode leg was on the one That's what he was saying That was a then you had josh wolf was hilarious running. Yeah the shirt on and shit running around in that field This motherfucker is crazy But just I we I was telling only I go only I can't find my name is her Hulu Hulu place because it was on netflix and I used to watch I used to download them

They won't let you download them because they're NBC. Yeah, so I would have to fucking watch them in hotel rooms And after you came on last time I go, let me watch this in the beginning First of all the people you got on that show. We got some good. We got some good guest stars. Oh my god number two just He was great. He's great. Oh, yeah, he's great. He's great and You know, I always had a crush on jamie prasley. If you don't have a jam Pro crush on jamie prasley. Yeah, what's wrong with you exactly? I haven't seen I see a UFC fights

She was right. She was gonna go to those fights with joe and fucking y'all Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd be sitting like 10 feet from her like go look at her. She's a fucking. I love those things Yeah, I'd seen a one night. I'm thinking this chick might take her shoes off and go that after god play She was into it. Yeah, she was back and then she got pregnant Yeah, see her anymore. She got pregnant and then she just had twins. She had more kids She's on that show mom On cbs. Yeah, she's on there. I know we talked about it last time But we had burt reynolds on my name is earl and when he was there

He signed I have a smoking to band of trans am, you know black with the gold eagle you have the car No, no, no, I have one of them. I have a car like that Okay, you know when I was eight years old I saw that car and I said I'm getting that car one day So I have one like that not one that was in the movie But one exactly like it and so he he I drove it to set and he signed it by the stick shift And he signs to greg. You're the real band at burt reynolds, right? So I've had that for 15 years sitting in my garage It's all careful Took it to work about a month ago

Guy said hey, man, I'm gonna get this detail for you. I'm gonna take care of the whole thing I said, look, look, look, look, look, look That's a signature from burt reynolds Tell the guy don't touch that he goes. No, I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it back at the end of the day It's barely there the guy just scrubbed and looked like he scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed and tried to get it off and so I'm I'm pissed right and I never get mad and I'm just like pissed because I've taken care of this thing for 15 years I go to the guy go man. What the hell what what's going on? He goes I talked to the guy

He said he just put a towel over and he never touched it And now I'm even more mad because I'm like, all right. Look look come on I can't so I said that guy has to show up tomorrow morning. I got to talk to him So he comes in and I said hey, man, come on. What's what's the deal? You put a towel on it and he goes he hung his head and he goes look man I messed up. I was on the outside. I had another guy on the inside. I looked in he was doing it I forgot to tell him I screwed up and then I was like, all right Then I was like fine like I wasn't mad anymore because I was like, all right. That's all I that's fine people

I fucked up people fuck up. What are you gonna do? I mean, there's nothing I can do about it I'm not gonna you know But now at least I can sleep because that night I couldn't sleep the towel someone put a towel on it I was gonna say don't maybe look I got some molds on my back. Can I can I can I borrow your magic towel present? That's how to make that all go. Yeah next time I see all right Well, I found out he's gonna be I'm gonna track him down because he's gonna be in town doing a Tarantino movie The Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio and stuff and Bert's gonna be in that So I might have to track him down give him to sign it again

I He was one guy that I expected some completely different And I got some completely different. Yeah, like he was dynamite. Yeah I expected just to not talk to him or whatever And at the table read he came right over and started talking and I was like, okay And then in the mornings, I you know, I'm an old I like to get up early. He's an old man Yeah, so he'd see me and walk over to me And we talk and from time to time

I'd be smoking a joint. He goes, what are you doing? Nothing. He would smell it And he goes, I haven't smoked that shit in years and I would just put it up and he would hit it a little bit And then he would walk away. Yeah But he was just yeah, he was great on set. He just sit there and tell story after story after story Dog, yeah, that's that's the one-man show. I have his one-man show By the way, that's what I'm gonna give you. Okay. I have his one-man show I've never given another show to anybody. He gave it to me as a present. All right And it's did he do it down in florida. He did it in vegas. Okay

fucking climate about him and meeting jack demsey and I'm just ours, but him going to an audition. What's the guy that he went to an audition? We're trying to figure it out when What's his name? Ed Quinn was on here an actor. Okay, that he went to an audition for count out kazan All right And the guy that was in the hook in that movie Showed up with a gun And pulled the gun on kazan

Like he just has hours of those. Yeah that when he got he got a call from clonieswood one day Or steve mcqueen said I'm picking you up We're going out to vegas and he goes, what are we going to vegas for? He goes, remember when we started the director that fired us? He died and I always told him I was gonna go piss on this fucking grave. Let's go piss on this fucking grave Then that he did the thing that nobody ever did. He brought down deloisa. Yeah To the longest shot and that was

Like for a guy like me bro. That's like watching Lucy and desi. Oh, yeah, you know, they were old and they started telling stories. Oh, I bet And it's uh, if you like all that shit, you know, yeah, you like all that shit Yeah, I couldn't stop asking them questions. Let's I was I was speaking about people bringing up your shows I was just listening to bird crushers podcast and he brought up the pilot to yesteryear Oh, really? Because I didn't I didn't I never watched the pilot but it was I was thinking today like he was the pilot No, he he said he auditioned for but he said it was the best pilot he's seen for a sitcom

And I I was because there's a lot of people like sath mcfarlane has fox loren has nbc Uh, chuck lorry has cbs. You kind of have tbs Like I remember going home in high school and it would be the king of queens Which isn't you but then yesteryear every like five days a week and I I loved yesteryear And then they put her they put her along tbs. Yeah tbs bought a lot of my shows after after after the fact Yeah, yeah, oh, that's cool that bird crushers said that I'm a big fan of bird Yeah, yeah, yeah, no you have some great shit man. I mean it's uh Like I don't I didn't like breaking bad. Yeah, then the characters didn't sell me. Sorry

He didn't sell me. Yeah, I've done met. I don't look like he does met I'm saying I've done coke. It wasn't real enough. It was it felt like something It was bought by p. Seriously, and I'm normally get a lot of backlash for this. I didn't enjoy it I you know, I I didn't understand the hoopla sun's anarchy I I'm not a big curt son of guy. Yeah, but he did a great job with son's anarchy of what he had Yeah, it's a it's a miami vice music type shit

But yeah a little soap opera, but he is his arc and everything was beautiful if you watch that's why I watch my name Zero Yeah, I wanted to see what you had done just to watch just to learn. Yeah, you know, you don't want to watch a shit show You want to watch these shows? Yeah, you're the man And just the arc just what because I have that that that redeeming like I'm trying to get redemption I want to let it to my ex. Why if I apologize to the guy kidnapped and then he didn't show up to my shows I'm in the same boat as that guy. You could do that. You could do the reality version. My name is joey d My name is joey d. You know

Where is he? Jason. Yeah, he's in texas Retired I think he's semi retired. He told the Scientologists to take a hike. Yeah. Yeah, he's not he's not part of that anymore I think he's semi retired. I was trying to get him to come out and do a um episode of the guest book and he couldn't make it work with his schedule because he'd just done this photography book And he was uh, he was doing a lot of book signings for that Um, but I hope to work with him again soon, you know, I I gotta get in touch with him because um

We had this uh remember that show orange county choppers. Yeah. All right, so At the time I was the mustache. Yeah with the mustache yelling at his kids and stuff Yeah, and I I just had a kid and I was always up late at night with my kid And I'd watch that and that show deadly as catch and I got into orange county choppers and I thought at one point I go, I want these guys to make a my name is earl motorcycle, you know And so I looked into it. We talked to them and we all decided all right We're gonna make this motorcycle and we're gonna then auction it off for charity So we went out we went to their to their place and hung out and was in a episode of their show

And then they were an episode of our show and they built this big chopper this thing I can't even reach the handlebars on it. It's this big giant chopper So we auctioned off for make a wish foundation Well, I bought it because I knew I was always going to buy the thing So I bought it and I gave it to my uncle who lives in virginia So he's had it for about seven eight years or something and it's uh, it's a cool-looking bike But he was riding it the other day and a bolt flew out the front tire and he almost crashed And he called me goes you got to take this thing. You got to get you got to take this thing back

I don't I don't want it around here. I'll ride it. I don't want to ride it And I said all right all right So I actually got to get in touch with Jason because I'm just gonna see if Jason wants that thing because he likes motorcycles I don't know what the hell I'd do with it It'd have to be a piece of art just sitting in a room somewhere So I'm gonna hopefully get in touch with him soon and hopefully he takes this thing off my hands You know, Greg, you're a breath of fresh air It really is an honor always to work for you and just to be around you

Because hollywood's such a sack of shit. It's rough man, isn't it? And you're one of the only guys that's like the anti hollywood and you're really good at what you do. Oh, thanks. We had fun. We had fun on those episodes Let me tell you something, bro. I don't even want to talk about it. All right. I don't want to talk about it We want to talk about it. Yeah. Oh my god. I haven't told anybody. Yeah, it was fun You know, I sound like a confidential. I agree with myself. I love it because I can't wait for people to tune in. Yeah We'll bring you back before they It's so weird how you're the anti

I went to, you know, I did a couple episodes of them dying up here. Yeah, great people. Nice people. I had a great time But I went to the party And there was a mistake, Greg Like I don't do good at those. I hate those things and the other day Like I hate those things like I I have I have a lot of problems. I can't sit in the room with no windows That's what happened to me on your set. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's what happened I wanted to apologize to you for my behavior. You don't have to worry about it. I go give blood If I give blood in the room with no windows, I pass out. Yeah, if I could if there's a window

I could I don't get anxiety at the comedy store with my anxiety when I walk up those stairs to the original room It's definitely fine. It's like I'm gonna go get hung. Yeah, but as long as I know that there's a path outside I'm okay. Like I could never be one of those kids in that Thai cave that little Yeah, dirty soccer coach and trying to take him down and fuck him in the ass because that's what he did Why take a bunch of little Chinese kids deep deep deep into a cave? He was gonna fuck them and kill them Don't tell me I know a criminal when I see one that guys they got a lot of explains to do that little dirty filipino Whatever the fuck he was tie, whatever he was those people filthy fucking animals Don't you go to Thailand to fuck little boys and shit? I think that's that's where they go

They do have a reputation. Yeah, that's what that then he was like the leader. He was like the fucking sandus. Oh my god The Philippines or Thai. I'm sorry Filipino people. You know, I love your catholics I don't think everyone was in Thailand for that. Oh, what's that things to do in there? What are you doing a fucking cave as I fuck people in the ass and leave him for that? I think that's it I don't think he'd go into a cave. They couldn't even fucking see he was planning on fucking him in the ass and then leaving I know those Thai people You think I'm kidding you case closed. I ain't no fucking swami, but I ain't no fucking half a fact either I know exactly how the fuck

I love you great Thank you for all the shows and thank you for everything Thank you, man. Always a blast to talk to you the anti-hollywood, but I want you to think about that today on the drive home Why else would that coach? Take those kids into that fucking cave if he wasn't planning on fucking them and killing them All right, the last guy took people in a cave was fucking the ice man Remember the ice man that killed a bunch of people for the mafia? No, he took him in a cave He had a cave in Pennsylvania and he would take you in the cave

film it and Let the rats get to you cut you and let the rats eat at you And then film it and then when you like let's say He tells a particular story about a guy that his daughter got raped by some He told two stories where some of these daughter got raped and he went and took the one guy and fed them to rats The other guy he posted to a tree in florida And sliced his skin off with a razor blade threw it into the water Rubbed him down with kosher salt nice and juey

And then threw him into the ocean when he saw the sharks He took the guy's own skin to lure the sharks you got to read the book good lord So he would slice inches off his belly and throw it into the water And touch the feet that took so the sharks came and then once the guy was nice and cut up He was just untied of the two old men and he put it all on tape and then he get greg would you give me 75 000 there's your proof And he'd give the guy the tape at the rats He the fucking guy who raped your daughter nothing good happens in a cave nothing i'm telling you nothing

What are you gonna show me in the cave? And then they had to go on the water and canals. Oh, he was gonna fuck those kids good He was gonna shish kebab those motherfuckers I Love you motherfuckers. Have a great weekend. Greg Garcia. Thank you. Don't forget anything by Greg Garcia's fucking gold Yes, dear raising fucking my name is eril and now the guest book have a great weekend Stay black. We'll be back monday the sixth ready to rock kick this fucking mule league I

Can't lie No more of your darkness All my pictures seem to fade to black and white I Am growing tired and time stands due before me Frozen here on the ladder of my life Oh Too late

To save myself I took a chance And changed your way I But you misread My meaning when I met you Close the door And left me

And Don't let the sun go down on me Although I search myself It's the way someone else I see I just allow the fragment of your life To wander free Oh But losing everything is like the sun going down on me

I can't find Oh But see me once and see the way I feel Don't discard me Oh Just because you think I mean your heart But these cuts I have Oh, they need love to help that need

Oh Down at the sun go down on me Although I search myself It's the way someone else I see I just allow the fragment of your life To wander free But losing everything is like the sun going down on me Oh

Don't let the sun go down on me Although I search myself It's the way someone else I see I just allow the fragment of your life To wander free But losing everything is like the sun going down on me Oh