Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #607 - Chris Porter

Episode Date: August 7, 2018

Chris Porter, a comedian seen on "Last Comic Standing" and who will be shooting his newest special this year in Denver, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Solojitsu.com -  Exercise cards with a mix of the essential BJJ Drills. Tell them Uncle Joey sent you   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    

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You're in your hotel room You can do hip escapes and you can do whatever that tells you it's a solo game you play by yourself You smoke a bowl, whatever you're into go to solo jitsu.com and take a look you're gonna be fucking surprised kick that fucking muley Oh shit Wednesday morning no time to fuck around Are you kidding me or what? Church of what's happening now, motherfucker's Chris border Too much for granted Christ killer

You motherfuckers have taken a lot for granted Oh shit Oh shit Wednesday morning Kansas City, I'll see you motherfuckers tomorrow night Are you fucking nuts so what opening up with Judas Priest 1980 Kansas City's own fucking Chris Porter in the house. What up? What's up beautiful? What's up? Thanks for having me man. Oh always a fucking pleasure

I just read about every fucking weekend on Twitter that you destroy another room and it's so weird how People just think you just showed up like I love this about comedy late like people like where you've been well I've been I started coming when you were in grade school. You're fucked You know the name like where that's why I've been motherfucker. Yeah, man It's so crazy how people just think you just popped up dude I was I did the comedy store the other night and Rogan looked at somebody goes as he knew and I was Fuck dude, I've been here for like 10 years man, but yo you changed. Yeah, I can't look to you no more You know a little Jufro for a while. Yeah, I got a lot

Yeah, yeah, now you cut it. So now you're respectable. Yeah. Yeah, I look like an adult you trim the beard Absolutely. Yeah, I got a girl that does it for me now. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, it's nice So no I love it listen. It's really weird When you've been this town for a while and you see comics We've all aged we were kids when we got into this fucking game. Yeah, we were kids Kids when we got into this shit and all of a sudden now you see comics and their families. I Know Gregford Simmons and he was single, you know You know shit like that like I'm on your brownie

Before kids Brian Cowan Joe Rogan for Christ's sake, you know, and those are the dudes that made it Then there's a bunch of dudes back home back home Never made it out here because they had the kids too soon. It's crazy. I got a buddy. I talked to him He came out no before me in Shilani. He's like, I think I'm about done. It's like I got two girls It's like I don't know what to tell you man Well, you know, it's it's rough for people to know the types of comics that are out there Yeah, there's National Touring Headlines like Chris Porter and Joe Rogan people like that bill Burr Then there's guys that are just regional that

Maybe they have a job as a school teacher Maybe like the one of the best comics I've ever seen working as a guy at a Chicago. I forget what his name is He now he's on a radio show in Chicago. Yeah, but he never left because he had Four kids and his and his wife and him were school teachers or something. Absolutely And you know, I told somebody about him once I go dog I opened for this guy in Myrtle Beach and he destroyed the room and the guy goes to see about five foot eight I think it was Jimmy Schubert who told me the story. Yeah, Jimmy Schubert goes, bro Let me tell you a story about that fucking dude

Dude has a joke about a bus driver About the yeah, we got some and he's a white dude, but he does like a black bus drive and he breaks down every candy They have for the day. This is 20 years ago. Yeah, we got juju bees. We got M&M's We got it was a joke that went something like that, but it was just a brilliantly written joke Like you sit there as a comic and go wow, I'm really watching like good comic I was doing comic like eight years nine years and this guy's like a fucking pro And when you saw those and you know, we were in comedy doing eight nine years when you saw those guys You're like, wow, I'm gonna be that good. Absolutely

It's really weird that this guy I was telling Schubert about him and should we go to pro years earlier when Keneson was alive If the rule was when Keneson played your town He was coming to the late show at the calm at you that comedy club So if he did the theater in Kansas City, yeah, he would shoot the improv for the second show Yeah, and the owner would tell you listen that people called on Friday Sadly we're gonna pay As soon as we give you the light and get the fuck off. Oh, absolutely up on stage. We're gonna pay you just don't worry about It's like what you're pellet show up to the punchline back in the day. Yeah, like you don't let your ego bother you

Yeah, here's your money. This is your money. Just go home. Have fun. You know, you're a pain week off So supposedly they told this kid Keneson in town and Keneson came in he saw Keneson and started speeding through the material and Keneson goes, no, don't give him the light this kid's killing me. Yeah, kid got on stage and Keneson didn't follow I said, I said, I'm done. Yeah, I'm done. You have to come on the road with me and the kids like I can't Yeah, I'm a teacher, you know shit like that. Absolutely their story is just like that dog There's a guy one my favorite comic-workings Chad Daniels and I and he's getting his due for the most part

I think but I think that guy would be humongous But he lives in the middle of bumpfuck, Minnesota He has to drive two hours to get to the airport I think but you know, he's just a good family man And he's like you want to be around his kids and shit, but probably the funniest dude working right? I wouldn't I don't knock those guys. Yeah, because they knew exactly What they wanted from the very beginning when I started in Denver There was two or three different types of comics. There were comics that wanted to be stars Steve McGrew

There were comics that just a triple runs and kept it local and had a day job played it safe Maybe had a girlfriend and then there were comics who were reckless You know the ones that you look at and you know they're doing comedy just as an excuse to drink and party That's it and get pussy. You see you smell them a mile away, you know, like that's well I think the really good comics run through all three of those things. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, you yeah You you really have to find that's why it takes 20 years. That's why it takes 18 years Yeah, that's why it takes 16 years Dude, I love it when a comic that's been doing it four years goes I found my voice. Oh, I left my

Okay, I know exactly what point you're at. Yeah, well absolutely just by talking to a comic now from doing it for so long Yeah, like I know what you're like. I know that you kept them. Listen, you have no fucking idea Yeah, you found no idea and you don't want to put yourself in a position where because they'll be traumatizing Yeah, it's like going to Vietnam at 16 and seeing 22 dead fucking people shoot by themselves mad That's how traumatizing it is when you get somewhere where you don't need to be or something like that There's a pattern and there's a system There's a formula and that formula has worked for 2,000 fucking years and guess what I've seen that formula works And I've seen everybody have a different formula. I remember people going to me

I don't know you I remember this kid from acting class once came to the store saw me and like this is 98 yeah 99 I've been doing comedy maybe nine years and he saw me like the next acting class He's like I could do what you do and I remember even then looking at him going Like at that time I just came off that bombing in Buffalo. Yeah, like I had this life changing bombing Okay, like we all have these bombs Oh, absolutely along the way that you remember like you have a bomb at the 40th year. That's

Traumatizing there was a bombing I took at a at a Buffalo's at a bar and It was a Buffalo Saber game at halftime. That was the did that was the did the kick Okay, you did halftime of the Buffalo Saber game They just I didn't know it was just a place where they threw you it was like gladiator. Oh, that's it was like Burr in Philadelphia Yeah, it was like Burr in Philadelphia, but Burr knew what he was going into when he attacked them Yeah, he'd seen like four people already getting I didn't know what to do. I got attacked Yeah, so is it like because it's Burr in Philadelphia doesn't seem like a bomb to me. No, he almost had it was like he went reverse

That was what made it brilliant. Okay, he didn't let himself bomb He went up there knowing nothing he could do. Yeah, that's very strong when you look at an audience and go, you know There's nothing I could do with these savages It's like when you get yourself involved in those midnight shows remember Oh, I open up your mouth and I'll do a midnight show and they're fucking puke is coming out of their eyeballs people passing out Yeah, and you're bombing going wide Myself involved in a midnight fucking show. Yeah, like those maybe a year 20 years ago the midnight show had just come out It was always late started a quarter of one. You're lucky. You're dead. You're dead. Yeah, you're dead

They've been standing late hosted go 20. That's hammered. Yeah, you're dead Those late they had to do away with them the improv did away with them because the comics even said it by the by the second show Some nice, you don't know after especially on a Tuesday when you're gonna work on a Tuesday and work and it's my Saturday You don't know what's coming out of your mouth. You don't even know where you're at three shows on the Saturday The second show were you like did I say this already dude? I opened for Tracy Morgan like 13 years ago at the West Palm Improv and he was doing Hour 30 and they'd still have me do 30 in front of and so I think the midnight show actually started at 145 so I went on it to

Those shows didn't even get over to four Like it was insane. It was insane. Have you said a joke multiple times in the same set ever? All they'll tell you. Oh, no, you see it on their face immediately The the curtain has been lifted. No, so that's what I'm saying. So you've done it before Oh, yeah, but you get four words in and you can just feel it. It's like it's like you said abortion Like you just it fucking gets sucked out of the room. It's terrible. You have no idea that the journey I Sip like the main question I want to ask every comic in this room that comes in here from now on So young comics the listening is at the four-year mark. Did you have that epiphany? I tell well as comics

We have that the first five years every six months. You ask yourself Cuz I think four years in I was Kind of on the road like I already featured I was starting already featured. Yeah first time my four. Yeah Yeah, four years and I was already featured like it what listen when you start in Kansas City It's not hard if you're a little bit funny and kind of cute and you can carry 25 minutes You're gonna get a lot of work and I think that's what I learned very early is that and no offense to the people that struggle But for me being funny was kind of easy. It was like it was trying to Have a point of view. Maybe we're all funny. Yeah, everybody who gets on a stage has to have a slight

Angle of confidence that they said it did something that they thought was funny at one time. Yeah, like I didn't start realizing it Like people would tell me but I didn't really start realizing it like about a month or two before I got arrested Yeah, it was a lot like maybe I'm on to something Maybe these guys are right, but now come on me. I do blow I fuck but then Tim Allen got arrested Yeah, Richard Pryland himself on fire So they're all promising things for a guy that doesn't all promising fucking thing Yeah, and then I got locked up in the prison library have ladies and gentlemen Lenny Bruce Okay, I was telling Brent this our jiu-jitsu guy the other day

After the commisone to his house to watch the fights and I was telling him I go, you know you I Read that money Bruce book and I was like wait a second. So this guy Works at a strip club and goes in between strippers right there. That's yeah pretty much fun Then he goes home to the Chelsea Hotel a hotel. That's fun right there living in the hotel That's a fucking blast and he hangs out with jazz musicians And other strippers will come back to the hotel They lived there too and they shoot heroin and they sleep all fucking day and they get up at 7 or 8 eat dinner And go do comedy at night

Like I was like I could pretty much handle that yeah, that's what I was built to him. So yeah, but that's that's sad Yeah, that's the that's All I thought I could do at 28. I'm like I could do that. I could shoot little heroin But did you had you done heroin it then did you realize oh, okay, so you know how destructive it was that time I had snorted heroin Maybe once yeah twice, but that's a way different thing than putting it into your right No, no, I wasn't I wasn't gonna shoot heroin. No, no, I don't like needles. Yes Yeah, I was I was just gonna do a couple bumps at night. Yeah, what I I just want to be

Part of something that wasn't part of something You wanted to be a pirate like I wanted to be yeah, like I want to be a boy scout until I joined Yeah, there's too many fucking rules. Yes, and then when I was a kid, you know, maybe I could be an associate in the mob family Too many fucking rules, you know, it was just everything I wanted to do I don't wish too many fucking rules. This was the only thing that really had no rules But there's no rules You just show up you say what you want to say you do what you want to do Yeah, and there's no rules on either side, you know, and then they come to you one day when you're doing comedy four years and go

Hey, man, if you keep doing that type of material You'll never be able to let them in a little and right there you have to decide Yeah, you know what? Fuck it. I rather be myself Yeah, they say fuck then not be on that's big decisions when you're a comic that you have to make it the fourth or fifth year Or go, you know what? I could work a clean set alternate. There's a lot of great guys like you They could do a clean fucking said I can't do a clean son if you paid me So what like what are you guys because there's a few different levels of when you say dirty like they're swearing and all that But something I've noticed uh since I've started is people who are like

I don't know if you call it shock or whatever you want to call it where it's like They're just saying things that Don't even I don't think if you roll with them down and be funny with the other trying to get a groan or well You don't have a point of view. Okay. So your point of view is to go up there and Shock me. There's no point of view. Some audiences will laugh at the I can't believe he just said that Okay, you know what I'm saying very few of them, but like Stone frat boys will laugh at that shit

And you don't know how many times I've seen dudes go up on stage and do something and you go, oh, I know what happened You said this shit when you were high around your stoner ass friends last night and it killed So you remembered what you could and now we're on stage. We're hearing it and we're not high And we're not your friends and none of this shit's really fucking fucking crazy. That's I've done that a thousand times. We all have Absolutely, we all have that's crazy. You just find yourself going. Oh, mate. There's there's something I didn't say And that's it's wild because I mean as a Comedian I'm trying I like to make people laugh I'm I don't know because Joey said something to me a couple weeks ago that I've really been

Not struggling with but thinking about he said that I should try to work clean at least a little bit at the beginning I don't see myself as dirty, but there's a couple jokes that I do that talk about sex And I don't it's kind of because there are no rules. It's kind of hard to know. Does that count as dirty? Can I not talk about sex at all? It's like it's I'm trying to figure out what's allowed My advice to young comics is to write clean Because you're you're gonna say fuck because it's your natural person So if you write fucks and then you get nervous and you say more fucks, that's double fucks So and then that gets too many fucks. So like

I say write clean. Remember the bits clean So can you talk about sex at all or no? Oh, yeah, I'm talking about like hold on one second. Hold on one second You could talk about whatever the fuck you talk about as long as you know what the fuck you're talking about you have conviction Would you would you eat a woman's asshole? No, then don't talk about sex because you have no right to you only the woman's asshole. So you have no idea about sex That's why I told you don't talk about sex You've never come you dated a girl for four years and refused to come in the mouth

You bought into the fact that she didn't like morning sex So you can't talk about sex because you're not a sexual person. Why aren't you talking about those things on stage? That's the funniest thing in the world. I've ever heard in my life four years. You never came in the mouth It's fucking ridiculous ridiculous and even on accident. Oh, no, I think odds are it's ridiculous. So he's not a sexual dude It's like me kind of going going on stage and talking about computer nerd shit. Yeah, I'm not computer nerd, bro I don't know nothing about that shit. I don't even know the url is No, do I want to know? You know what I'm saying? I don't know nothing You got it. So you should be talking about how you're not a sexual person

I well, I guess I don't want to I'm not I'm not going to do jokes but I think it's more Like my because I'm I had years of girls who even before my ex I had multiple exes who just Were into it, but not really into what below the job No, I would tell you when I well, I had one girl say don't go down on me because I'm not going down on you That was the worst. I didn't see end of that really. Yeah That was it. You would track that that's half. Oh, you know, he attracts that because he doesn't set the rules in the beginning Yeah, I'm learning that you learn along the way. But yeah, but back to the comedy

For me with him and anybody else like when I started I didn't write chris I didn't write The first year I didn't write I went up there and I thought I could just I thought it was just showing up Yeah, and I bombed all the time and then I got a job as a house emcee And I started writing but I realized something that was the same people every week So every week I had to write a new five minutes. What an education that was Yeah, and every week I died a slow death once in a fucking while. I still remember using props guys I remember when Madonna vogue

Yeah, when they had the cones on their tits. Oh, absolutely. I came out with cones one night like I had tried everything You're talking to a man that used to walk him on stage to a rap song I'd say hey, everybody. You ready to have a good time. They go. Yeah, I go. You ready to have a really good time Say hell. Yeah, they go hell. Yeah, I go. All right. Let's get naked and I took off my shirt and I was super skinny And of course no one took off their clothes. So we'll get weird and then I'd go. Oh, okay Well, okay, it's kind of bailed on that So here's my impression of a greyhound and then I would get up on the stool and I would suck in and all my ribs would show

And I would look like a greyhound Like that was my opener So like I totally get fucking A strong open with weird shit and amuse the kids You're just finding your way. Yeah, it's years. It's years You know, and I'll never forget this guy going to me like, uh, yeah, I'm gonna do what you do and then A fucking week later. I saw him. He said he got a showcase from Montreal

Yeah, he was doing a set at the black club on wilshire. That's still there And nobody talks about the comedy union. Yeah, it's oh, it's on pico pico. Yeah, nobody talks about it no more No, but no none of the white people. Yeah, but nobody even black people I'm talking to jackie famous about it the other night. Really she goes down there. She goes down there. Yeah Like it's the weirdest thing like I was down. I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about being down there We're openers finding your voice It's just uh, it takes So long and then oh he got a union. Uh, that's what it was that kid went down into the open mic

It's somebody from Montreal gave me a showcase It's third time on stage and he called me I'm on the side of my twitter on my uh pager And I go, what's happening? He goes, bro I won't even do in comedy for you. I go nine years. He was I've been doing comedy three times and I'm already going to Montreal Yeah, well that guy's gonna Savatage his career before he even knows it. Listen to me. You don't know you don't this is the beginning Yeah, he died a bag of death never went to Montreal

Then he opened up a restaurant up here Yeah, he took his family savings his wife's and he opened up a restaurant And they would do comedy in the back patio And he was the house emcee and he was trying to get people But he wanted clean comedy. He didn't believe in dirty like that's why he hated me He didn't like dirty comedy and he opened that up and that died a slow death. He's back in new york Fucking as a waiter or something. I heard about five years ago. He's a swing manager at the fridays I love when people come up to me

And they're doing comedy five years and they're telling me what they're doing And I'm like, I know what you're doing. I've been there. You can't even Open up your fucking mouth To you doing comedy eight or nine years. You don't even know you don't even say a fucking word I was doing the I did tommy chong comedy at 420 for show time And it was like the worst experience ever just because we showed up It was 118 degrees in San Bernardino where we shot it. Oh my god our hotel room the Fucking air conditioning was broken. So it was like 85 degrees on our hotel

And I brought this girl with me. He'd been doing comedy for a little bit Right before I went on stage tommy by the way had demonia Like we're at pre-production. He's on a cot shivering Like not making words and we're like we're all looking at it showed like we're not going to do this, right? And they're like, no, we you know, we You know, there's like a hundred grand into this production. We have to do it. So and also this audience It's like the third thing they've saw like jaymore did a special e and bag did a special and then we were the third thing This is the montoya special. Yeah. Yeah, this is scott montoya special. So

Uh first comic goes out does fine second comic goes out His his mic cuts out for eight minutes Shelby goes out and I don't know if you've ever seen shelby chong do comedy But it's it's it's rough And it's like is that a daughter or a wife? It's his wife. That's his wife It's it's tough So then tommy goes out and he's about 18 minutes into a set And walks off stage mid-sentence

Don't say word. He has to go throw up The director comes out he could have said a lot of things like oh tommy's fucked up man tommy had too many cookies He's got to just chill out for a second. No, he didn't say that what he said was tommy chong is deathly ill and he's going to the hospital So audience starts standing up getting ready to leave Guess who's next by the way Me And so they have to like corral the audience back

I go out on stage the first eight minutes of my set is unusable. They're just staring at me And you know how tabing's the audiences are lit so you're just You're looking at these people look at you and so you're just Finally, I got them. I did 20 minutes like the last seven minutes was tv passable Get off stage and get back to the great to my dressing room and this girl's like So I have some notes

I go are you fucking kidding me? She said I thought you might want notes from a peer And I looked at her. I said there better be a fucking I in that word You better be talking about a place where we park boats Because you have been doing shit for fucking five years There's we're not peers You're just a girl that's done comedy for a little bit

And also, I know I just ate a bag of dicks. I don't need to fucking go over it with a fine tooth comb It's no no no, I know exactly, you know, you've been doing it for so long. Yeah, you know exactly I know, you know, it's when I did this netflix thing I knew when I got on stage where I went wrong How I prepared for it the wrong way like you just but this is Part of the fucking journey. Yeah, and you look in the mirror you man up You take that notebook guy you get the feather you get some chicken blood And you start writing. Yeah, and then you get on fucking stage and that's it

And you there comes a point where you fall in love with it Like this morning I called in for spots at the store at 9 0 1 There was nobody there. Yeah You know 10 30 when they're supposed to be there, but that means that you're back. Yeah I went back to my open mic days remember when they said if you want to be on open mic get a call Tuesdays at 3 You made sure you call that 250 fucking nine I remember going to open mic in Kansas City and the show started at 8 30. We'd be there at 5 Hanging out we grabbed dinner and we just sit there and write for fucking what'd you start at

Started at Stanford and Sons in Westport So what year was this 98? So the open mic was on Sundays The open mic you can't our open mic was Mondays So I'd go to work go to college come in and then I'd come straight to the open mic and we'd be there, you know, especially initially when emery emery ran that open mic Uh, there'd be like a we'd be there an hour and a half beforehand like people would go up rehearse their sets And they'd get notes and like people would try to tag it. It was a very

communal atmosphere And uh, but and but at the very least you got to go up there and run shit before you actually did the show All right, so Stanford and Sons had how many clubs at that time just the one okay, so when I got into comedy in 91 in 92 I dated a girl who Was from Lawrence, Kansas Go Hawks and I drove home without a watch

You drove home without a what I drove home with her to Lawrence. Oh, okay She was from Lawrence, but then she went to Jayhawk And we went to watch them play And then we drove on a sunday night for me to do an open mic at Stanford and Sons And the guy had the guy that ran the room then Was an emery emery it was somebody else if you say isn't that but this is 1992 Yeah, you were a kid. I absolutely was and I went up there. I thought I was hot shit

They gave me six minutes. It was just brutal And I remember I bombed in front of her Her mother like her fucking stepfather brought the family on to watch you. You have no choice people to invite themselves Yeah, oh, they're like, oh, you're doing comedy. They invite themselves You know, the mother didn't like me the stepfather had a wig Everybody had a fucking wig in the family a stepfather the real father both had wigs. Yeah, how crazy is that? What's grandpa is pulling it off? Yeah, I got it and she was a waitress at the comedy club She was a waitress at the bar where I did comedy on tuesdays

So she kind of knew where I was in my comedy career. I was just You know, it was just a tuesday night for me. They paid me 50 bucks and fed me And I sold pills there. I sold valium. So I would make people come up there. They would pay to come see me They would go, oh, you never draw. No, I make them fucking come up. You know, it was just such a scam I was doing But that year was such like I would just do tuesdays I wouldn't do the comedy works. Yeah, just do the boulder broker on tuesdays And then saturdays I would drive to like fucking an hour

To get on this place that was huge and I just go bomb. It was like a bowling alley in denver At 11 o'clock. That was my repertoire. Yeah, and then I started getting guest sets at mccalvies and I would just bomb Bomb bomb man. What a fucking It was horrible I had nothing else going on. So it was like who cares I just keep bombing I've heard I've heard a lot of negative things about starting comedy in la But the one thing I'm very grateful for is how many open mics I have

Oh, I have tons of open mics. Like I've been very spoiled. So I've been going to one mainly and last night I went with another buddy of ours. Eric who's just on the podcast We tried three that I'd never done before and it was you had to wait at the bar for like two hours It was it wasn't as easy as just going to the fourth wall, but it was fun I enjoyed having the one show a week when especially starting because it like gave You spent all week looking forward to that one like that was your show. That was your show That was my I wouldn't sleep on monday nights. Oh, yeah, or sunday nights. No, I would I would do my tour my tuesday night Oh, yeah, my tuesday night. I would stay up on monday night, right?

My friend was a baker and he would take tuesdays off So he would stay up all night monday and bake and I would taste all the ice creams and gelatins and all the fucking Parfaits he made that stay there with him drinking coffee all night writing jokes. Yeah, and I would not sleep It was it was you just looked like that was your night too. Like all it was like your club You'd go there all your friends were there by that Especially if you'd been doing open mic for more than a year like most of your friends were those people so it was like It was equivalent to like going to like a recreational softball game You know, you're just like your team's there. You guys are ready to do it. You're hoping to win. Have a good night

And you know some nights you didn't some nights you did how long did it take Stanford and son to now one of the clubs went Close to you at that time. It was just after the sun It's just Stanford's and it was just west port and then but the cool thing was like you could go up to Omaha Two and a half hours and do an open mic or st. Louis And so and that's what was cool about like we you couldn't send anyone links You'd have to like make a vhs or and that shit was expensive. So we would Like four of us would drive up to Omaha and do an open mic

And then one of us would try to stay sober enough to drive back and I honestly don't know how Some of us made at home without duis or just Long trails into a cornfield especially driving back from Omaha. We just hammered drunk their memories that Like there's memories in my life of like I had you know a baseball game or like Joe named it football camp But those first 10 years of comedy

They're fucking edged in my mind priceless forever. And there was a lot of hard times like from Shitting out a window in Seattle in an office like this I would just get up in the middle of the night and go to the hallway and shoot out the window and you know Because it was an office with no bathroom. Yeah to just Like I can't even describe it like that that journey is so So fucking unique and you have to do it You have to do that journey That whole I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow journey. Yeah, like you have no idea. Like this is it. This is it like

We got three weeks. We're at the gigs. We got 16 dollars And this is it I remember being wisconsin Doing these one-nighters What was her name up there that booked the Cromley cafe She booked mark at university. Oh, I don't remember and then she gave it to her daughter This was a dude. I think this dude's name was Hanson or something Tom Hanson. Yeah. Yes. Okay. So

I show up to this gig and like 99 times out of 100 if you want to advance you just show up and like Hey, uh, can I just after you do the show? You're like, can I get some Cash on the work I just did Well, this was like a bar where they like had contracted the workout I was new to this whole concept and they're like, no, we don't I'm like, I have 18 dollars and 200 miles to get like, I don't have enough money for food and gas So if I don't have any cash

And dude had to wire be money Like I remember just going back to the hotel. I'm calling the guy that booked the thing for me. I need something Or like I'm literally stuck in But whatever the fuck wisconsin, I am right now 18, you know, because I literally I thought I was going to get paid after this All those guys I took to the premiere of the longest yard At one time or another borrowed 200 dollars from each of them I told them all that I needed 200 dollars at one time or another and they all

Told me the same thing This is not alone This is a gift. This is an investment in your future. Yeah, don't ask again I would buy a gram of coke I'm saying something at least 50 dollars worth of coke And I'd use the other money and those are the guys That would send me the hundreds And they would say I put 200 in there

Don't ask again. Yeah, absolutely. I put 200 in there. Don't even I don't even want it back I really want it back, but don't call back here again looking for money Like I had people who really that's what you do That's what you do when you get into comedy you you have A support group around your people, you know And again, if you trust the universe These people will come to you and some nights they got 10 bucks And some nights you got 10 bucks dude. I remember

Uh right after We had filmed the last comic standing, but it hadn't come out So, you know, you get all your tv money when it airs And I was fucking I got to this college thinking they were again thinking they were going to pay me a lot of money and uh They uh, they were like, oh no, we sent it to your man. We sent it to your agent

You'll get it in like two weeks and I had to borrow A hundred dollars from christian finnegan And be like hey like just straight up like hey, man I thought we were getting paid or not if you give me a hundred bucks I'll make sure you get it back and then I'd like call the agency and be like take hundred dollars for my check Put it on his check because he gave it to me and I and still whenever I see christian finnegan, I buy him a beer for that shit Because I you know that was just another time where

You know, especially o5 like you weren't Cell phones weren't huge at that point. The internet definitely wasn't so you're just fucked Especially when we started cell phone, I didn't have a cell phone when I started definitely didn't have gps I remember buying an atlas every year I didn't have a cell phone till 2004. I was the last guy on the block And sprint gave me a two on one month credit Because of my bad credit Yeah, if I was two hundred and one dollars, they shut me down

You know how many mornings I got up and my phone was shut off when I go down and they'd say you're all dollar 34 And I go you got to be fucking shit me So I would just pay 40 dollars every time, you know, and I just built it up and then one day they said you have no credit It was crazy But I borrowed money Constantly like I think that's how I became friends with harisha fear I needed a plane ticket and I looked on like a dog. I need two of those And I'll get a tea in two days and I gave it to me because I thought I'd never see it again

Yeah, people were pissed at me for giving the tea Coke for you. Now I did that shit for years. Now I need all the friends I can get And it's just we like that's what you do. You just uh It just happens every month You just barely make it for a few years But that that's part of the toughness that you need For this shit. I'm going through That toughness you develop

It's what gets you through the 10th 11th 12th 13th year when you come out here and now you're going on auditions Yeah, and now you're dealing with that all that stuff All contributes to that. That's what people never see they try to skip that Can't skip it. It's like pencil. Are you gonna pay me now? Or you could pay me later, but you're gonna pay me. You know, you're gonna pay me this money I don't give a fuck what you think or what they told you or what you expected But you have to do this

To become this Because if not, there's gonna be so many fucking holes in your game. I was doing comedy. I was a regular at the store And I had been doing comedy nine years And I had a little bit of a hat. You know what I am when I was like I might not be a Montreal and I might not have a deal But I'm firing upon morning every night bitches and in my world that means a lot more than what the fuck you're doing And I had a little bit of an ego And they had to be probably February of 99

When I was starting the headline I was horrid headline horrid Horrid they were putting me in headline position. Yeah horrible. You're like five minutes of fire. Yeah 15 minutes of shit Horrid You know, you're just stringing a bridge basically Horrible like just fucking it's uh And you think like you're really fucking good and I got a spot on freaky Monday Did you ever get to do freaky Monday? I don't know what that is freaky Monday was at the improv From about 97 to about 2003 or four

Before it went the urban night It was it was the urban night, but they were very smart in those days. Yeah from 8 to 840. It was white So it would be you from 8 to 810 Judge Wolf from 811 to 821 Me and then they would put a super hot white guy Pablo Doug Stanfield Yeah, and then they would bring the black axe

They would you know, and then they would be by 9 30 was all black. That's it You could see the white leave the room It was fucking because the industry was up there Like in those days If you got on stage on freaky Monday Fat Tuesday Latino night the last factory You got an agent you got a gig

You got approach people would talk to you. There wasn't that much computer people would have to come out and see you Yeah, it wasn't that there wasn't that much streaming yet So when you would do those rooms people come out And one Monday I moved myself up, you know, I started freaking Monday at the fort first. They had a six minute spot And if you do okay for the six minute spot, then they give you like an eight Yeah, and they give you like a 10 and every week they missed it up And it was pretty weird like that. If you got a triple crown

That used to be the old Monday thing if you do Latino night Freaky Monday, then you do the spot the comedy stores is the open mic. That was a triple crown One o'clock in the morning you're walking into the college. So like what bitches I'm doing a triple crown tonight motherfuckers So I I never forget Following I went down there and they said somebody canceled And they go we have a spot for you And I had to follow stand hope and bring up the power

And I thought I was pretty fucking good like I thought at that time Honestly Honestly guys at the eight nine month nine year mark had a pretty killer 30. Yeah, I could rock six fucking minutes Good high energy fucking Oh my god, stand hope took it to another level I went up there and ate a bag of dicks and then nick the power went up there and ate off and destroyed the room Which made my confidence feel You know and I didn't belong there. That's it

I was in the spot where I saw myself going A lot of people wouldn't have said that a lot of people would go That's nothing the sound wasn't right or they're black. They don't like me or whatever I was like something didn't work out there. That's not supposed to be And I think the next week I was on the road But that's it. That's it. This is not gonna ever Ever happen again. I'm gonna make sure that this never Ever

Ever happens again and I went on a two-year greyhound Flight Amtrak whatever I would leave with six weeks and put together 28 Really? Yeah, don't ask me how I would leave with El Paso Miami improv myrtle beach the one club John X would give me the dc improv Okay, John X would give me like one night the dc improv. I would just go up the eastern border

Philadelphia nothing New Jersey would give me you know one night at rascals and east orange or the other one There was a room in Syracuse wise guys Steve Sharipa Bruno Sharipa He liked me and he would give me two weeks Toronto had a room that was run by a magician That didn't pay it was 600 a week american the headline two weeks

But mitch headberg did it Yeah, so I said when they offered it to make it head break good. I did it. It was brutal. You stayed over the club Oh, it was two weeks and one week you were in downtown Toronto and the other week you were in the suburbs The guy that ran the club was an old school russian jew Boris yeah, and Boris's brother. So Boris would run the downtown club and that was cool. There was a bar underneath It was called Toronto wood Like Toronto wood comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there was right downtown

It was 600 a week It was like two days through saturday And fucking this the following week They would put you in the suburbs In the suburb room and that sucked and his brother Was a driver for a hooker service like you can't write this shit. Yeah, right? You can't write this shit so as soon as you got there The first new brother would say first of all you shared a room with the brother

Oh, I hate that so you were in this room with this chubby guy that smelled like salami That could not get laid And what he did was drive hookers around on friday and saturday from midnight To eight in the morning. So you wake up at eight in the morning and he'd be sitting on the bed eating like a sub Five feet from you. It was brutal. Uh Guys, this is brutal. Dude. I remember stanford's back in the day was a fucking heathen Just a den of heathenry. You'd balk in I could get xanax I could literally just give my coat to the bartender with 60 bucks in one pocket

And when I left that night, there'd be an eighth of weed in there and the 60 bucks would be gone And then like you could just get and there were strippers over here that were definitely hooking on the side And it was just you just show up and like the world was an oyster But just nothing was good when you go home now. What club do you play? I do the well stanford's is closed, but they banned me Uh, oh, so stanford's is officially closed. They're done. Yeah, the wig is done. The wig is done Well, and he's the only one left Check the jeff died jack died a few years ago craigs. I guess thick Stan the dad might outlive all three sons. So craig is the one with the wig craig's the one with the wig

Okay, so I never I did the open mic I bombed I never even dreamed of calling them again I went home and I looked at my guide of comedy clubs and I just slipped an x through that one Like I'm not ever calling them again. So I got a call one day from roger paul. Yeah, and he goes. Hey, uh, they want to hire you at stanford's and I go Are you fucking kidding me? Now you go into kansas city. I go, okay. I'll go Shit money. Yeah, of course, but the first time I went

I'm lying to you. It wasn't through roger paul. It was through bill burr's management At the time agency. This is when I got the longest yard. Okay, they hired me Okay, and I was horrible when I got the radio the guy said put your jokes on a piece of paper And I'm like, what are you talking about? Remember stanford's had a radio station. Oh, yeah, yeah The guy was a blonde head guy or something. Oh, johnny dare. He's still there Johnny dare. It's still one of the worst to do. Oh my god, and they wrote they bought like a About it. They they went into like business together and then that that is all the rock and roll. It was called johnny dares

Oh my god. Yeah, look at that. I still remember that shit and then like that that kind of you know Craig's not something you want to go into business with And johnny dare found that out the hard way. So All right, so the first time I go in craig picks me up I don't know who the manager is I eat shit at the radio. We're arguing the whole way to the fucking thing. Yeah, it was five of the roughest days of my life I didn't know what I was doing and I've kind of behaved myself Well, just so people I just want to throw it out there so people know when you do that radio show

He just says how you do and and that's basically your Q to do like five minutes of material. They want you to do your material They went in it's just like but without laughter. So what are you thinking about flying? Yeah, and it's just like man. Can we just can we just read your news stories and like I'll make funny comments and like I'll be funny and not Have to burn 25 minutes material, but they don't want that they just because you can't do that material that night then right? No, it's stupid. But yeah, I do remember what happened though. So the first time I went I didn't have any credits and he treated me like shit, but the second time I went I had a bunch of credits

So it was like he he gave me extra money and blah blah blah, but I booked law and order svu So I couldn't do Tuesday night or something or I couldn't do Wednesday. So I I flew in that night So I land in Kansas City and whatever the fuck you land on Kansas side I don't know you like, you know way up north on Missouri side Missouri side I land there and I get to luggage It's 10 o'clock at night. There's nobody at the fucking luggage almost and I see a cop lights Like I'm not gonna do with me, you know, I got a little weed in my pocket, but Ain't no big thing and next you know a guy comes out and gives you Joey Diaz

Like a guy goes, I'm your driver and the manager from Stafford's now. He's fucked up Yeah, his jaw is fucking gone. He's just coked up. He's coked up and he's like Please calm me out. Do you have your license with you? I'm like, yeah, he goes tell him that you're driving Was this Ron? He went to open up a club in Toledo, Ohio Ron. Oh my god. He has a chick in the car and they're fucked up as shit I get in the car. I gotta make believe I'm driving. That dude's did so much cocaine. He got fat Like he went he got he got skinny He got coke skinny and then he did so much cocaine. He went the other side and it bloated him now

Where is he now? I don't know. I heard not good thing not good thing. No, he was a mess that night He was join the chicks join so I'm gonna call him like, how you guys doing now? I'm a cocaine. Yeah I'm getting off a plane. I haven't done cocaine two nights. I'm like, how you guys doing? Yeah, great. You look like just the people I've been looking for and I'm like, uh, you got any more of that shit? And they're like, what are you talking about? Yeah And I'm like any more of that shit and they're like, we don't know what you're talking about And I stopped the car. I go, I will get that fucking cop right now. You're right fucking now Where can we get a grandma fucking coke tonight after you put me? Oh, we're just messing with you

We got it on us. We'll weigh it out for you. And he gave me a grandma coke. He told me not to tell the staff Then the next night he told me not to give one of the waitresses coke that she goes crazy Well, that's the first waitress I gave coke. Yeah. Yeah, she was a beautiful young girl I just went she followed me around all night Because she had a kid she was hot and she couldn't afford the coke and then she came back to the hotel room I mean, we did a thousand dirty things. It was horrible. It was fucking horrible in the best way Oh, yeah, like he told me don't give a coke. I don't know if I guess she was dry humping the chair one night It was just crazy. It was just a week of what he's saying

Hills it was just mockery. There was maybe two or three Clubs and in the circuit that were drug-infested that was one of them that went three times And all three times I got fucked up every fucking night. I remember There was a dude that had a limo service and he ran the limos for For stanford's but he you know, he had other businesses, but He was like, man, if you just give my driver 40 bucks, I'll come get you at the airport. So I flew in from new york Uh, I just happened to get stopped by the dea. This is before 9 11 But these guys come up to me

I guess also my parents had upgraded me Uh as a birthday present. So I'm a fucking 20 year old kid that's showing up in first class Maybe I was 21 because I was hammered and I so The three dea agents stopped me full out their batch. So like, yeah, we want to go through your luggage And I'm just drunk enough. Also. I have a pipe. I have a weed pipe and I'm probably half a bar as annex and not an

a dust of weed probably and uh But I'm still freaking out. I'm a kid from Kansas. I'm at an airport And I'm I'm like, no, man Like you can't just stop me Again, this is pretty nice. I was like, you can't just stop me It's like I'm I'm just walking down the street. You can't just stop me and he was like, well We can search your bag because you're in an airport and finally I just gave them the bag

And to search they had a dog come in and search it and he didn't hit it They let me go. I take the limo. I go, you know, you're 21 I have a limo. I go home and I go straight to the club The limo driver had already called the club and been like Porter got stopped by the dea. Everybody assumes I got weed on me So they think they think I'm going to jail. I walked in that people thought they saw a ghost They're like, what the fuck are you doing here? I was like, I just I got away. They they embossed me and they're like, oh, well, welcome. Let me buy you a beer

Is that all there is to doing because I mean, so when you guys first started touring you guys both seemed to like to party a little bit Was there a time when you wouldn't do anything because you're like, oh, I don't want to make the wrong impression Or just like fuck it. Well, you're a feature. You go I think no, I can remember one time Me and my buddy brecht claus and god rest is so Uh, we would go to the cleveland improv. We would have our two drinks And come back to the condo where it was stocked with liquor and beer and we would just get shit faced But uh, I the old cleveland improv the old cleveland improv by the flats

The yeah on the other side and the condo was across the street from a bar. Yeah, the anchor bar. Let me tell you something The last time I was there was not a good week either The last time I was there was the first season of the soprano's And I went there on a wednesday night and I did coke Every fucking night till sunday morning till I left. I even got on the plane and whacked like the last two nights I didn't sleep at all. They had the strip club across the street Filthy strip club where they gave you lunch. I never I never went to that I'm not a strip club. No, we neither

But they when you got to that in those days, this is 98. Yeah, the first time I went to the cleveland improv was 98 sarah nigh See, I remember that was binding. Yeah, she used to book it and she had an assistant and she was powerful She was very powerful in the improv chain. She booked buffalo miami Yeah, leave them and she she was kind of a witch of a woman You definitely didn't want to make her mad. No, you didn't want to make her mad and she got mad For any fucking reason. I remember one time I booked the commercial. I had a cancel buffalo She goes, what else do you have with me? I go cleveland miami. She was taking off the books. Yeah next time don't book a commercial I almost fucking cried

Yeah, she was a fucking real bitch And then she had to book me in miami and then she quit Yeah, she quit she she some people just can't hand. I mean that's a stressful game. That's a stressful game Yeah, you know, she used to date how they got into comedy was her alex rey moondo and ron white They all knew each other when ron white was on the podcast. We spoke about her. She used to date alex rey moondo Oh, really? That's how she got to the clean and improv. She was like a waitress in texas and then Something just fucking crazy Like some crazy story

And she became one of the most powerful chicks at the imprint and she quit in the middle Dave becky was a fucking bouncer at the impound. Yeah. Yeah Could you imagine being some headliner that was a dick to Dave becky? And now you're just fucking in hollywood hell Like you're never getting out because you said some bullshit to some bouncer It's 30 years ago There were so many people who abused like, you know, I laugh at the harvey Weinstein's There were so many fucking people who abused their power as comedy bookers when you were young

Yeah, there's such dicks to you. But then again, I was blessed With some great guys that I'll never ever like I was talking about andy payton There was this other guy that came in with his name was What's the political comic? old guy old bill bower Fuck bill bower. That's a deep pull. Well, he had his name was bill bower also

But he was a motorcycle mechanic. He worked on a motorcycle place in really colorado and he booked 20 rooms, you know how many times I call that guy for rent in advance And we go like bill like I can't pay August rent. Yeah, it's the fucking sext You can give me $400 and book me and he would go Drive up. I'll give it to you And like I dates for you and he would give me the dates to work it off Dude, I have the exact opposite because I came up in the Craig Glaser camp I remember that dude pulling dates. I'd have a date booked for months and then the week before

They'd be the last week of the month. They'd be the 26th through the 28th I didn't pull that shit. I remember one time he pulled that shit because the headliner didn't want to follow me He was a local headliner A guy that got a tv show for six weeks moved out here spent all his money and moved back never did shit ever again What's his name? uh, his name's His name's steve and uh, steve fucking

Didn't want to follow me So he went and complained to Craig Craig called me and he literally said uh I don't want to hear steve bitch all weekend. So I'm gonna cancel you. I was like, bro Last week of the month This is my this is literally my rent check that you're taking away from me And he's like taking up with steve So I had to call steve

And luckily I've been on the road enough to where I knew enough bookers to where I had enough I had some leverage and I was like, yo, dude I've never really asked any booker to do anything for me. So I have some I'm just saying if you pull this week from me, I will call every booker I know and just tell him you're a garbage person And no matter how funny you might be You're probably not the kind of person you want to get booked and uh

And that is the only reason I got to pay rent that month Was because that motherfucker was like, okay You can work for me just because I I had to threaten basically his work But that but but that was all craig craig just didn't want to deal with it Do you remember a couple years ago madonna about 10 years ago madonna had a fucking auction for Charity of all the people who turned her down Uh-uh rejection letters rejection letters and she read them out loud

And people were running to the fucking hills like she just embarrassed like 30 fucking people or huge that Yeah, that had the opportunity to sign madonna. It's so weird how You just did something I wouldn't do either. I just asked you I just didn't know if you liked the guy about but I know 10 motherfuckers today That one complained Had a club when they knew they had to follow me dog I know I know I know like four people and I forget with them over the years because I get it But oh my god, there was one guy that

Even the club owner one night sat him down and said look here's the deal. It's thursday You don't want to improvise You don't want him to talk to the audience. You don't want him to work dirty. You got mad at him for work saying that joke What can he do? Why did you take the fucking job? Oh, it was great. Yeah, this club owner like went off on the headline who later on went on uh Blast comic standing out a little revitalization in his career But he's a fucking bum as far as I concerned because

He just couldn't follow me at two different clubs at the first the first week He didn't bitch But the second week he had a little leverage at so he bitched And it didn't it did to no avail the audience was digging me And I knew I know I know a guy that pulled the fucking gig from me one time that's still working And when I see him now though, he looks the other way and I would never hold it against it I get it, but it's not something I would do. No if I can't follow the feature. I just say it Yeah, I'll just say it. Listen. I can't follow the feature. But why let your ego?

I've seen it and it's fucking horrible when they go crazy like like I I don't want to and I get it I get it I get it In some situations like if you're showcasing for HBO at the store I don't want the guy in front of me to go up there and be fucking Johnny creative with sparklers and shit Yeah, because you always hear how well they went to see they went to see chris Tucker for uh American history accident and they've given it to joe tori instead guy tori guy tori And then they went to see

Somebody else for the bruce willis movie and they fell in love with chris tucker. Yeah that fifth dimension So you hear about all these stories that they go on their store to look at lee for bruce willis movie all of a sudden They hide chris tucker. You like what the fuck? They were looking for a jew and they hire a black guy. Yeah, how did that happen? And now you start yelling like you're manager. Why would you put a black guy up in front of me that's fucking funny? You know what i'm saying? Why would you do something like that? Oh, yeah, there's a shot of my life do it before I got any kind of tv credits and you're You were there where you're like

You should be headlining me. You don't have the credit right and you're not gonna fill seats so you do like You'll do like the headline wednesday and then you'll open for like john witherspoon thursday friday saturday because No matter how well you did All he had to do is go up there and do his five lines from friday Which i've never seen anyone handle that shit better than john witherspoon He goes up on stage Does every line from every movie you want to fucking hear

No context. He just rattles them off like here the fuck they are And then he just goes right into 55 minutes of really good comedy that has nothing to do with that shit And so but like once he does that shit It doesn't matter what the fuck you're doing. So like when I was in that level like That's what i'm saying is just like you have to get to that level, you know that level's a shitty level Dude, it's a shitty level. So now You're funny. Yeah, so now you've done everything you've done everything. You're funny. You're fucking great. You know how to write You've been doing comedy for 11 years

You're ripping rooms a fucking part. Yeah fucking ripping assholes apart But wednesday shows up and there's 35 fucking minutes not even that's when he learned that it's a business It's a business and you have and people have to know who the fuck you are And then a guy comes in that puts a wig on and does impersonation and there's a line around the corner Yeah, and you're like Oh, yeah, what am I doing wrong? I had to follow dude at the improv the other night That could do he could beatbox while singing fucking bass lines and then he can sing like a fucking bird

And then he would crush he would sing every hot song that you've ever known from And he was that guy that was like, oh you like this song and he would sing like the newest hottest song and he'd be like Here's my song and he was singing like the older song and it was fun I found myself like in the back just like yeah, get it. It's fun And i'm like, who's the dumb mother fuckers gotta follow this dude. Oh, fuck. It's me And it's like how what the fuck am I supposed to do and literally the only way I could follow him was to go on stage And go why the fuck do I have to follow that? Like I thought we were just using words and this this dude's coming up

And doing all this shit this crazy comics Who will go up there and mix comedy with music? And destroy your room dude when it's done. Well, it's really effective. It's effective as fuck There used to be a black guy in this town called james stevens the third You remember he was from seattle washington me and josh will have the pleasure opening from And he was like a big timer up in seattle. He's that comic that came down and made it So when he came back he rented like a fucking Porsche At the airport and he took us to strip clubs and everybody knew him and he was on the stefanie miller show

at the time it was on abc it was On after politically correct like if you stay up till one in the morning But people would he was still selling tickets like he was a local favorite, but he was a regular at the store and he would Oh level The store but the black guys did not like them The other black guys just fucking hated him But here's the thing about that stuff is like when it works

It's amazing when it doesn't work It's an hour of the most excruciating shit. You've ever done like it's not like There are a few of those guys that can put the guitar down and do stand up I'd say maybe three or four But for the most of them if the guitar shit ain't working or the musical shit ain't working. They're done. They're done But not only that they got no way to like if you and I get up there and say we're yelling too much or we're talking too fast So we can we can readjust In the middle of a set because we're being real

We're true to ourselves. I would say not the guitar acts aren't but that's definitely a character And but you and I are able to be like, all right you guys Need to you guys are tired of me yelling at you So i'm going to chill the fuck out and maybe we're just going to talk in this moniker And that meanwhile guitar act it's like what are you supposed to do? It's like this shit ain't working Maybe do some more van Morrison or something like what what do you do at that point? I have seen shit that like that. James Stevens III

I saw him blow up the melrose improv one night like just standing ovation Huge And then one night like I became friends and he would come to the store and do spots You know like poor morning and everybody else And one night he went up there and leveled the fucking room like on thursday night There was like 80 people in there and then he griffin had a follow And then he griffin goes let's keep it going and eddie griffin his name was james stevens III

But eddie griffin and the rest of the black guys because he was black they would call him james Let's keep it going james stevens III Right to his fucking face they would say it and eddie griffin was ruthless at that time. Yeah. Yeah ruthless And he went up there. He's like, let's keep it going for james stevens III I don't think that nigga saw the sign on the motherfucking store. It's the comedy store not the goddamn music store I'll never forget that me sitting back and they're going. Oh Eddie griffin's not fucking around let's keep it going for james stevens III I guess nobody told this motherfucker. This wasn't the fucking music store. This was the motherfucking comedy store

It's so funny to see comics react to it because to me like it doesn't bother me that much But I used to it will when you have to follow it and you're on the road And you're fucking dying all week and you see this guy That is singing springsteen songs in the 80s You ever see he's high? Oh, yeah, of course brilliant brilliant brilliant He's high. She would go on stage With four people attached to his back, bro. What?

Like puppets puppets Not like actual four black people and he'd be a preacher Bro, it sounded like he won a fucking chorus. He was brilliant Try following that like I had to follow him one night in the original room I found a magician last night. Oh, yeah, that's a slow death too. There's magician. It's just just piss people off It just makes me laugh 10 minutes of magic is the most people could tolerate After 10 minutes people are like, oh, okay. They start getting fucking creepy. They start moving around

Yeah, and then you got to follow. What was the kozak? Oh, you want to hear a story about hit me with kozak? I got a great kozak. So what year? This is probably oh 10 Okay, what the fuck. All right, so Uh, did you you heard that right? Yeah, this is actually the fucking oh the lakuka. Roger. That's rafi mate. That's rafi mate Pick up a pie. Yeah, but I'm also fucking from like night I grew up in the 80s where that was just some dude's car. Right. They just reached under the dash and that was a horn, but So i'm doing the trap in atlantic city

and Me and uh, this feed track show. I can't remember his last name. Anyway kozak's doing every night Six p.m. Show sunday. We go see him. It's us a large jewish family. I'm talking full-on black Black pants white shirt yamakas all of them Uh, there's like another couple and then there's us. It's a light crowd He's doing it's like a family friendly show. He's doing jokes about x wives and boners and shit And so I leave like it's a fun show, but it's like there are definitely times where you're like bro

There are fucking kids in the room And so I tweet uh Just saw Kozak the completely inappropriate family friendly magician I get a I fly home. I get a call from the owner of the trap Who I hadn't met I talked to for like two seconds on the radio or on the tele uh telephone fly home

Take a nap wake up to a phone call from him like yo kozak's mad at you And I call so you have to call it. So I call kozak And i'm like what's up and he was like yo I heard about your tweet Uh, I think you're gonna damage my attendance I got 2 000 followers at the time, right? I go, let's break down the numbers here kozak. I got 2 000 followers at best 10 of them are in the northeast new jersey I go high end. I got a hundred followers in the new jersey area of those people. How many are in atlantic city?

maybe 12 so Maybe four people didn't come to and if they're my followers They're probably going to come to your show because I tweeted that shit And he was like you don't know the power that you have. I was like, I have no power, bro I got 2 000 followers and I just had it It was it was just arguing with like a prisoner. Was he drinking at the time? I don't fucking know because he was big Like I worked on new years at 2000 though. Yeah 2k when the world was gonna end and I'll pass up

He was the headlining And I had just heard all these stories about him. He came down and it was just fucking nuts Like he had a part of his contract was he has his own bottle of booze every night No, like a certain your own bottle like his certain booze that was his okay like a sack Oh crime royal something like that. Yeah, he would just drink crown royal came with a sack and So it was tuesday through sunday and new year's being A saturday night and sunday or friday night something like that and she had to do a show new year's day He did a comedy show for kids. Oh, okay, but this is when he was getting fucked up

He was getting fucking happy in those days. He was drinking a bottle of that shit every night doing blow Yeah smoking cigarettes. I'm doing blow too. You know, I'm not doing it with him I go back to the condom new year's eve and no past like it was just fucking crazy I met a waitress next, you know, we're having sex in the back And next, you know, she's out getting drunk and another comic is going on my back swapping spit with her And I just came in the mouth and they're about an ATM machine. I mean, this is just crazy It was just fucking crazy and I left with another girl It was fucking crazy new year's eve

And I wake up new year's morning And the show starts at like one a second afternoon show two o'clock. It's nine in the morning Kozak already has his fucking magician shirt on ironed Box of shorts the old man socks rolled up to his knees To shoot the suspenders on and he's just sitting there with Half a gallon of that gala wine That's shit like that shit drink. Yeah, that's like five bucks for a handle like he's drinking that shit It's nine in the morning. He's watching college football

And again, I'm like dog. It's a bit early for this. He's got a couple lines on the table So when he goes, I'm going to do the kid show, you know me dog. I know what entertainment is I follow But you weren't on the show. No, no, it's a kid show. It's him as a magician Yeah, and I walk in and I can see Bart look at him. It's like Jesus christ You reek of alcohol, you know, like you just he's doing a kid show And he's reeking alcohol the kids are walking and he's at the bar Drinking shots and shit finally goes on stage and he's fucked up And finally some kid looks at me goes ill

You smell right? I mean just I mean, you know, and I'm in the back howling because I know this shit And at that time they had the mc was a little mexican dude And the reason why Bart hired him was he cleaned the movie theater and he cleaned the comedy club So Bart So Bart Made them, you know, the guy wanted to be a comic and we would torment them The word on the street was whenever you gave uh your intro It was like six pages like write it out and he would go on stage and like, uh, this next comic went to catholic school

He's from Kansas City, Missouri. He hysterical Yeah, so we fucking he was the janitor at night So after the comedy club would close Like well night long he would say hey pick that straw up, you know, because he'd have to fucking like from the stage You were yellow people. Hey pick that. Yeah Because that was one more straw. He didn't have to pay you have to come back that night and do it So one night he begged this

He goes just from my years of experience Bart. You're not gonna throw graffiti around to that. I mean the confetti graffiti And he goes because you have to pick up one piece of the time. That's all I needed to hear I went out and bought confetti just I was gonna make a joke that you did. I know you didn't yes I did Oh, and I when they said happy new you I started throwing confetti everywhere the next day He went there at two in the morning and the next day at five in the afternoon him and his wife was still on the hand and knees picking up confetti

I will just quit. Oh my god. So yeah, he comes on stage And he goes right to the bar And people weren't taking pictures of what you done. They just wanted to talk to you Yeah, and he went right to the bar and started drinking and then people come over And kids would do do a magic trick and he was smoking a cigarette and he'd have like a fucking Shot glass in his hand and Bart had to say something like they're talking to kids But the fucking cigarette away. I mean there's more to the story. Yeah, but I know I forgot it It was fucking hilarious. He did something with the pigeon disappeared. Oh, yeah, the pigeon wouldn't fly out of the hat

It was like fucking something just crazy. Let me give some shout outs. That's crazy. Robert Siriano. Happy birthday Ben McClure Brady McConaughey Ryan roster Jeff quadrex Meg my girl the Omaha fucking charts Barrio Sullivan and the true nji or whatever the fuck don't forget this Thursday I'll be at the Kansas City improv

And then at the end of the month I'll be at Nashville and then Alabama and we'll get to that shit later But this Thursday friday saturday It's hysterical friday night I got like a hundred tickets sold because rogan's in town And now that rogan's really gonna saw because they're gonna boycott his show The christian baptist, whatever it's gonna whisper about this church. Yeah, west. No way. Yeah, they're doing down there So now i'm really doomed. Nobody's coming to my show I want to say some shit about the west barrow valley church

They come down and ban me and call me a heathen see they got a lot of people Maybe they could send a couple people down to the your show. What the fuck is a couple rucks Yeah, just a couple of new guys sent them down to the joey di show So you're shooting a special. Yeah shooting independently for a great company I spank. In fact, he called me till they fucked nuts Brian, yeah call me till I gotta shake him down He doesn't know I know this fucking FBI dude. That's a FBI order That took down the bananas

Okay, if the five thousand dollars are going to your business and find out if you're robbing from me And if he catches you he'll report you to the FBI. That's a civic duty. So you're fucked up I just don't want to put them up brian's ass because I'll be a fucking don't help me Give me a marg man although hate me in the comedy world if I got that guy with brian's ass But it's a civic duty. It's a civic duty. What number special is this for you? Well, I guess technically three because I did want I did a self-produced one right after last comic and then stand up records Pick that up. So that's out there. That's cold screaming from the cosmos Okay, then I did ugly and angry for the same company

And then this will be three. Yeah, and then I put another album out in between ugly and angry in this one You like doing the albums of the specials I'd rather do the specials. They're more effective You know, all that shit's just uh advertisement for the gigs, you know but uh Yeah, the specials are Obviously, they add a whole another element. You can make faces and your jokes can Be silent if necessary when you're doing if you're just doing a record you have to

Sometimes you got to rewrite some shit because you're doing a visual joke that's not going to transfer over spotify I Like records. I grew up listening. So I like the gift of listening. Yeah, and now it's just so many fucking specials that you don't have time to Well, I always put my special out on record like actual vinyl Really? Yeah, I got like ugly and angry is on vinyl Uh and uh and lost and alone are both out on vinyl. There's something burning over there. Something smells like oh, you're burning I'm burning. It's not something like I smell fucking fire from somewhere So you shoot this august 17th august 17th got a week from this friday a week from this friday. Yeah, definitely fucking Colorado. Yeah

Yeah, yeah, it's gonna be fun. Uh, you know, Denver's been a good hang for me For a lot of years. I've uh, I've done a lot of good shows there and then uh, I've spent a lot of time with uh my friends bands there just hanging out and so yeah, it's uh It's definitely gonna be a very compassionate scene. What year were you on last comic stand 2006? Yeah, man

It just keeps getting further and further away But I'm fine with it. Like I it's I'd I'd be fine if that's the last thing people remembered me for what season did you go to four four? Yeah, the first year it came back Because three got canceled like two weeks before Alonzo one And then who are you on last comic? Josh blue

gabriel iglesias Uh tie Barnett finished second Tie Barnett, is he still around? He's around. He disappeared for a little bit, but he's back. I've seen him quite a bit. So But I think I think uh, he had some family issues to attend to Tie Barnett gabriel Yeah, it's quite a lineup. It's crazy when you look at like the old san francisco linems Yeah, like from 90 and go wow

Yeah, just pat nozzwald and dana ghoul and just all these fucking heavy hitters I remember there was a guy that took third in san francisco one year Carlton's richardson from dallas texas or something. Yeah, I remember I saw him in dallas once and he was lonely And I went up to him like bro. You took third In san francisco. Why are you so quiet? He's like, oh my life didn't really Nothing really happened and it's so weird how Your expectations are for different things as a comic and when something doesn't happen But you know what christ the only expectation we have

Is to be funny And sometimes we forget that Well, I mean there's other things. I mean those people thought just just being funny would make it but they You also have to move to somewhere where people give a shit And I think that's where That moves hard to make for some people Like As easy it was for me or other people and it wasn't easy for me

Like I cried the first three hours of my drive out to los angeles But like that and I remember coming home and people being like, how'd you move to la? And it's like if you put your shit in your car you drive you stop you take your shit out You sign a new lease Like it's not hard, but for some people it's hard because you're leaving everything you've ever known For a whole new scene and and some people They keep pulling it off Because they think I'll do it next year. I'll do it next year because they're waiting for

The perfect moment to leave But there's never a perfect moment. There's never a perfect moment. There's just the moment And so one moment you have to take it and you have to put all your shit in your car And you have to get in your car and you have to go you started driving into this fucking hell What you felt like Oh, yeah, I was so excited I remember I did scared. It's it's not just because I was excited scared curious Yeah, I was 18 different emotions when I first saw that

Hollywood sign like the 101 south we came from seattle Like I was scared like everything came through fruition. Like I was scared I was excited. I was curious I wanted to see if things were paying out. I wanted just to I was so Like there was a rainbow of emotions, you know I don't know how it is for other people when you were excited. You had already done the last comic No, I got it eight months later Moved out here. I got it eight

But I'll tell you what I drove in it. It took me two days to get into town I Got into town I stayed with emory emory the first two nights I or first two months I lived here Emory emory edited the aristocrats dvd and I think the movie for uh, Paul in pen So when I showed up literally moment one, I walked into emory's apartment. Paul prevents us in there. They're editing This movie for dvd and I just I remember sitting down

And being like I'm here now and I'm already in it like I'm already I'm already in the middle of an editing process. So I was like I knew I'd made also I had uh I remember I'd gone to minnesota with my uncle the weekend before to his cabin and we were Hanging out and I'm not kidding you Plains and crossed and left contrails and it said la in the sky So I knew I was set

I just knew I I had literally seen it in the sky. So I was fine if you could do something differently What would you have done differently? uh I would have used the money I made in last comic standing a little more wisely I had a lot of fun with it Uh, I was told by a friend. He was like, uh He's like you you know what it's like to live poor have fun living rich. So I I spent my money I would come into town and I remember going to kansas city and running a suite at the nicest hotel in town and hanging out

and doing mushrooms with my friends and This the security guards coming in and laughing at us because it reached like weed But they didn't care because again, I was in a suite in the nicest hotel in town. So they were just like Yeah, you're fine First off the money didn't come with the handles on it Number two, you earned it. Yeah, number three. You were young uh, you didn't know You know, but I also didn't make enough money to buy a house either. You didn't make a no. No. No, there wasn't no big deal like

You know The main thing of this whole thing is loving what you do. Yeah, like it's so fucking weird that We we're lucky. We're very lucky no matter how The story is the horror shit of being on the ground bus or Getting bumped a week of rent. These are all what get your skin thick Yeah for today When you go through today reading today that people think that oh, Joey just walks and no It's a complete different aggravation. We're talking about how about we're talking about people like theo von and

Dean Delray and Kate Quigley that are in that hell They could headline they could sell 60 tickets Yeah, but they could still feature and they could see you know what I'm saying, absolutely Like that's a weird place to be after you're already paid your dues. Yeah, you're always in a weird place You're never at that place Where you want to be that's what makes this journey Fucking just just undeniable like I would you do it again? Yeah, I do all of it everything. I do everything all

Starves Yeah, I have money all of it flat times the starving times were the best times That's what people do not They do not see them a person goes I cannot I don't understand how that is fun Dude, I remember the days where I knew I had to make 25 dollars because that was enough time to feed myself twice buy myself a peg cigarettes and enough To like buy if I saved enough of it for over three days. I'd buy me another eighth of weed And that that's how I survived until I made the next rent check

You know I just and that those were the best times my life Just like literally just hanging out with my friends because there was nothing else we could fucking do And writing jokes and and dreaming about these times, bro. I bought a pack of joints today Do you how many times we dreamed about that in Kansas City as we were rolling one and smoking a fucking cigarette Going man, I can't someday you're going to be able to buy a pack of joints You can't do it in Kansas City But I you I can do it Like just just shit like that

Just fucking amazes me that where I've come from But you know, I was again, I was with my buddy Justin Leon who I've known literally since I've started And we we just sat back and the greatest memories that we talked about Were the memories from those initial years those three those years from one to four where you're You're just doing it for the love of it. Like you you got day jobs You're just or you're just struggling or you're you're at that place where you're doing maybe a week a month or two weeks

A month like enough for where you can't hold a regular job, but you can barely make rent Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a tough spot to be at even a tough spot to be at Yeah, but it's also it's the best spot because you come home and you're like, well fucking I'm probably not gonna make rent anyway So let's go to the boats and you go to the casino and you just hope and he ended up losing 50 bucks But it doesn't fucking matter Because at the end of the you know, it all fucking worked out somehow It really does it really does when you put your trust in you and you're hard into something

And all of a sudden you go fuck it. I'm gonna blow this last 50 something's gonna happen And something always Yeah, oh somebody 300 you only got 75 in the bank. You might as well have fun with the 75 At least you had a good time with it Do you think that's I mean Do you think you got taken advantage of at the beginning or maybe not at the beginning? But because of your love for it, you do stuff that you're not supposed to do. No, you're just terrible You're not taking advantage of this is what you have to do. Yeah, that's what you have to do

Not everybody's gonna give you 50 bucks Not everybody's gonna give you 100 bucks, but they're gonna give you a stage and a mic and an opportunity Because I'm at the point where I'm happy just to do it I'm happy just doing it, but maybe it's at the 10-year mark because I don't know how I would get They always take advantage until you get a movie. Yeah, you get fucked in the ass until you get an opportunity You get fucked in the air you ever go you ever go to a club and they look again They go like well, I'm gonna pay you 800. That's the most we could pay you Yeah, and 10 years later you go in and they give you 20,000. You're like, yeah, I think only me 800

Yeah, there was literally the same amount of people. It's the same amount of people. Yeah, right So it's it's it's you're always gonna get fun and that's part of it Until they like unless you got leverage, you're getting fucked But you wouldn't do I don't think you would do the spot if you didn't love it like if it was No, you're not looking at it like that. Right. You're not looking at it like that at all You're looking at an opportunity to get funnier. Exactly. That's all you're thinking about you gotta Cover your ass somewhere or another. I remember hosting on the road hosting Making 150 bucks for the weekend for the weekend

And and then you know that you if you broke even you were happy because I live with my folks And as long as they come home, they'd feed me. I didn't obviously didn't have rent to pay at that time But yeah, I mean it was I remember being in Wichita, Kansas It's living in the condo. I got there a day early the comics from the last week were still there And I just thought it was the coolest shit in the world Like I thought it was the great if you put me in a condo now I'd fucking lose I'd rage flip a table But in that moment I was like if also if I break even this is going to be a great weekend

All I gotta do is break even if I have 25 bucks to get me gas home Then everything is gravy. I'm gonna tell you comic something Don't listen. I'm gonna tell Lee something that you should get out of your head right now What I got into comic When I got into comedy the day I said to myself It was like 94. I had been doing comedy three years And I go this is it Like this is what I'm doing. Yeah

I knew that it was going to be 10 years till I saw money And I knew it was going to be a struggle and that's why I started shaving away at things I forced myself. I knew that I had to make a decision in a year I I knew in bolder that This ain't gonna work a little just delivering Chinese food slinging coke Yeah, just doing comedy part time one month one week here what this is not gonna work I gotta dive into this So I started watching less tv

I started forcing myself and it's depending how how do you live broke? Well, you gotta get a tent Yep, you gotta get blankets a sleeping bag And I never forget to get doing that first triple run Like two weeks back to back and you get a flat tire and and these are all things that are not included in your budget Yeah, they're not included in your budget all the most terrible things happen when you're first started Yeah, all those things that your car the lease to hold All that your car blows up when you could absolutely afford it. You're fine. You're fine. That shit never happens

It's the week when you go and then you run over a deer and a deer's leg is only could happen to you I'm still in the time Ralph. He went somewhere they gave him 500 bucks And on the way up the elevator The keys fell out of his finger and they went in the shaft And he had to stay in the hotel the next day and the guy could only come on monday morning And he it was 480 dollars He came back from Sacramento with 20 dollars for the week because the keys fell down the elevator shaft And they couldn't get somebody there till monday fucking morning

Like what are the chances of that? Like that's the comedy game and you just gotta if you can't cry Yeah, you can't say none. It's just paying your debt to the universe. I remember playing It's one of my first headlining gigs. I did knuckleheads in mall of america Which is now a corona bar And that's that's the corona. That's the corona bar when you leave uh when you leave the other one rick bronson rick bronson's corona bars old knuckleheads Right, okay, so I do tuesday through saturday

minnesota is Six and a half hours from kansas They give me 1200 dollars. I've never seen 1200 dollars my entire life Take the check I'm la I'm literally laughing on my drive home. I'm like, what am I gonna do with all this money? I'm gonna get a website like this is when websites are just brand new Like I'm gonna do all this. I'm gonna do this like I'm really gonna put it into I'm an hour outside of Des Moines

Going through a construction zone And a deer comes out of nowhere Hit it straight up. I can remember this decapitated the deer I remember that because I hit the body the head stayed where it was spun around a couple times landed there I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? I got a one-hitter. I got the little little dug out the little wood dug out that standard setup I pulled off I lost a headlight Everything's pretty much fine the radiators fine the fans fine

Call my dad. I'm just and I'm still speechless. I'm like, it's a fucking deer. It's a fucking he's like, what are you talking about? I don't I just made as much money as I've ever made my entire life And I just hit a fucking deer and he was like well because my dad knows me He's like you need to get rid of whatever you got and just get here and it literally cost Everything that I would have put in to a website. It was like literally like $500 $600 was everything over what I normally make and that you know is just like

That's part of it. It's pain. It's like you said it's paying your dues. The universe tests you Dude the moment the universe tests you as soon as you commit the universe goes, okay Let's see how really committed you are to this And they test your love for what you're doing and it shows you That you really want to do this You know, I remember being in a fucking Riviera one weekend doing the dirty show for Sharipa opening up a rogan fucking 200 dollars

for two shows And the employer this is a regular at the comedy store. It's 98 I thought I hit the big time 200 dollars and the fucking he gave me through the car that means to the employee dining room Where the food is already bitten and shit. Yeah chicken You know And you know like what like he just insulted me like it was just But I I couldn't sleep. I didn't have reefer at that time rogan didn't smoke So I didn't bring reefer with me. I couldn't fall asleep

So I wasn't walking around. I seen slash He was there for a Game convention. We saw him on the plane. He was on the southwest with us and everything from burbank And I saw him at the fucking thing that night. I went up to him. I asked him I go, why the guns and roses break up, you know, and he was very nice And he said he goes are you broke now? And I go, yeah, because he forgot I had known him from I met I met had a room And slash I got in there one night, you know, I had to go up and say hello or something and so he knew I was a comic and

When I saw him in vegas, I told him and he goes if you're broke now He goes cherish these times Because this is what balances you out later He goes axle Wasn't balanced out and he couldn't handle the money he made all at once and he lost it This is what keeps you these stories when we share them like this. Yeah, this is the shit that You dig up on when Your agent says, you know, I can't represent you no more because you said shit

On that thing and you're like, okay, he gives a fuck. Yeah, how we've had a dick and buffalo, you know I caught the clap and fucking pittsburgh Like you just you just all this bad shit that happened to you that at the time you thought was bad But was really a blessing that made you a comic I remember all this shit makes you a comic. I remember I I had four months or four weeks of work in florida straight ahead. It's like two weeks in tampa Naples gig and then maybe uncle funnies. It was uncle funny. They be florida open Open for headberg as a matter of fact

I'm 17 hours into the trip. I've driven straight men wherever the fuck george I pull off because I'm tired As soon as I pull off the car starts shaking So the car at low revs won't hold up. So I'm literally having to kind of Keep it like anytime. I have to stop. I gotta throw it into neutrals just so the engine will keep running So I get into Naples And I go to a stop sign and I'm putting up into neutral. It's an automatic transmission So I'm going to throw it up into neutral goes into reverse fucking shreds the linkage

So now I got to drive it like a Manual like I got to throw it into low like you'll hear it In the gear and then two and then drive and then overdrive I do the whole run I get the engine service there like your transmission's fucked, but it works the way it is I have to drive from tampo florida to kansas city On this fucking transmission and the problem is When I put the cruise control on anytime the engine goes to

Automatically shift down like if you're climbing up a hill It would shift into neutral So I had to be aware of that and then click it out of the drive click it down myself And then keep going For 22 hours my girlfriend could my girlfriend at the time was with me. She couldn't do it I mean, it's if you don't know any shit about cars You're not going to be able to hear that shit And uh, I did it

I remember I was hallucinating from st. Louis to kansas city just the entire time if I saw a truck I would think there were three cars behind it But meanwhile I had to I had to mine the transmission I drove 22 hours straight because I had to open for larry the cable guy for a week straight the next day And so I got into kansas city at 6 a.m. On a tuesday morning after I've driven 22 hours On no sleep just weed Just I didn't even drink no does no fucking. No, I didn't drink coffee at the time I just kept it was just nothing but pure will and in the girlfriend passed out seven hours out

She woke up in st. Louis. She's like no I'll be up the whole rest of the time that girl passed out Five minutes in outside of st. Louis. It did not wake up till we hit the curb into her house I drop her off at 6 a.m. I get back on the highway. There's a massive oil spill on i-70 Takes me an hour to do what should have taken 20 minutes And I get home. I woke up eight hours 12 hours later Showered did a sold out larry the cable guy show And like literally every month every dime I made from a month of work went into fixing that transmission And you're fucking no regrets. No regrets. Fuck them all up. Yes, dude

Fuck them all what we do. That's why we're here. This is it's so crazy how I see people that think that they just gonna walk up here and And I see it and you know I love these guys that I've been doing this for this like you have no fucking idea Come back and see me In 10 years and we'll talk you have no fucking idea what you have to go through Well, it's like these cats that started in la and have been

Good enough to make it through the ranks and now they're getting Looks and now they're starting to do the road and they look at us and they're like, how do you do the road? I'm like, that's That's the job That's when it becomes a job like you're out there. We're people look at me and they go you do 40 weeks a year How do you do that? I'm like normal people work 50 Everybody every blue collar work either works gets two weeks to vacation a year. Otherwise they clock in nine to five every week Like that's this is what this is our job. We're fortunate enough to be able to do 40. We see you Yeah, I'm gonna do probably end up doing 42 this year. God fucking bless you

I mean, what else am I gonna do? You can't quit now. Yeah, and also I'm at a place where if I'm not doing 40 weeks a year. I'm not making money Like if I'm living out here You know, I'm on the lowest of low when it comes to the totem pole at this moment as far as pay scale So if I'm not out there every weekend, I can't go out on dates You know, I can rough man. Yeah, it really is rough, but it's also like it's not rough Like other than the flights No, it's pretty easy. No the stand-up you do free. It's the fly

It's like when people say like movies when you do a movie, you don't get paid to act You get paid to sit around Absolutely acting you do for fucking free the stand-up once you get there. It's phenomenal. Dude. I like doing radio. Yeah, it's phenomenal I love wake up. Let's get shit done. I love the whole process Yeah, and for a while there the business area of it fluxes here And I fell in love with it again. Like I told you this morning I got up at 9 0 when I called them for spots at the store I was like, damn

You're on to something Joey. Well, now you're calling it night. This is what you Do like on or whatever but august 17th august 17th gothic theater Denver. Listen, you know, I love you guys You can go to the my instagram. It's uh at I am chris porter and the links in my bio same with my twitter I pinned a tweet And then because the tickets are free you can just click on there sign up What if there's two shows there's one at 7 there's one at 9 30 you request tickets They're gonna tell you the week of I've had a lot of people email be like they haven't told me It's like they tell you the week of the week, but everyone's gonna get in right, okay

You know, I'm not the link where can they find it? It's out It's on the link in my bio and my instagram at I am chris porter My twitter is also at I am chris porter and there's a pinned tweet Right at the top that's got the link in it I wish you nothing but luck, you know, I I'm one of your biggest fans I know you're one of those guys that's fucking destroys every week and uh It's just a matter of time, you know, I appreciate it. I love you. I'm happy. You know, I called you weeks ago Yeah, you did I come on. I miss you. You're not gonna you uh, this is what I realized

He's like, you're not gonna let me fail. You call me A week you called me and you're like we're gonna do this and I was like great And then you call me like we're definitely doing this and then you even called me yesterday Like it's happening. Hey for me to be a good comic. I have to be a good comic to the other comics That's what makes you a good comic. So I'm starting to learn that we're not the comedy business We're the motherfucking karma business. That's right. So, uh, thank you very much. I wish you nothing but luck I will see you in two months 90. They always welcome back here. Oh, thank you, brother To promote it wherever it gets picked up and that's it and I'll see you motherfuckers

Tomorrow night in Kansas motherfucking city, Missouri ready to fucking go. I ain't fucking around Dean Delrace lying in from new york. We don't like that fucking place on fire as usual Don't forget if you're looking for supplements milkshakes protein shakes Fucking shroom tech sports shroom tech immune alpha brain, which is one of my favorites You guys know I live on that shit. Go to honor right now honor.com Listen, they got kettlebells. I got a bunch of stuff. I can't help you with that But as far as the supplements are concerned go to honor.com and press in church and get 10% off your order Delivered right to your fucking door. Also. I love these. I love solojitsu.com

I love the cards. I love the product. Take a look. Just go to their website solojitsu.com Take a look if you like the cards order them. I think they're great. I think they're great if you travel You know, I've been I'm playing by myself. I try it. I do a couple hip escapes. I do a couple fucking bridges I do a couple sprawls. I'm an old man, but at least I'm moving. Listen. Have a great weekend. I love you motherfuckers Thank you for listening to Henry Rollins. Thank you for listening to my man, Chris Porter. Stay safe Kansas City I'll see you motherfuckers tomorrow night ready to light that fucking town on fire. Have a great weekend. See you Monday morning Hey No

It is good That's what I say Let the man rapper play and say he's singing home, but his hope wasn't what any should have known It's hard to understand That was not in this man I'm sure all would agree That his misery was this woman and things Now phrase me

That's what I say I Everybody's misused him ripped him up and abused him another jacket plan pushing dope for the man A terrible cloak, but that's how it goes A friend is on the corner now

If you want to be a junkie, why? Remember Freddy's Day We're all built up with progress But sometimes I must confess we can deal with rockets and dreams But reality what does it mean ain't nothing to say Cause Freddy's Day Hey Yeah

Ha Lover Yeah Oh Oh All I want is some peace of mind, but the little love I'm trying to find this could be such a beautiful world With a wonderful girl Don't want to be like Freddy now

Cause Freddy's Day Yeah If you don't try You're gonna die Why can't we brothers protect one another? No one's serious and it makes me furious Don't be this late Just think of Freddy

Everybody's misused him ripped him up and abused him another jacket plan pushing dope for the man A friend is on the corner now If you want to be a junkie, why? Remember Freddy's Day Freddy's Day Hey Ha

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