Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #611 - Steve Rannazzisi

Episode Date: August 22, 2018

Steve Rannazzisi, comedian, actor and host of the "Hear Me This Book" podcast,   joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Hims - Go to ForHims.com/joey for a trial month of everything you need to keep your hair - for just $5.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.  

Welcome to podcastville. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by hymns Listen to me and listen straight to me 66% of men lose their hair by the age of 35 The thing is when you start to notice hair loss, it's too late It's easier to keep the hair you have than to replace the hair you've lost now. I Want you to go to four hymns calm because it's a one-stop shop for hair loss skincare and sexual wellness for men If you know what I'm talking about him connects you with real doctors and Medical-grade solutions to treat hair loss without having to break the bank well-known generic equivalents and name brand prescriptions to help you keep your hair FDA approved

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Why cuz they got alpha brain hundred percent money back guarantee that you get the product back They don't want the product to give you the money back if they don't if it don't work for you Who else gives you that type of deal? Nobody go to on it calm and press in church and get your party started your 10% off deliver right the house All right, kick this fucking muley. Take your time. What the fuck it's Wednesday the 22nd. You bad motherfuckers Uncle Joey here with my main man Steve Renize easy the Christ kill on the drums A little arrow smith little heroin music for you on a Wednesday Oh

First hour max before you see you know Oh Damn, that's a good fucking jam Steve Renize easy in the house part two of our little conversation We're having my books and shit, but by the way, it's for a show that's coming out called authors Oh, yeah, where they take they just do a take on authors, which I think is interesting, too There's so many great podcast ideas that I'd love to Do don't have the time of course like just one with authors, you know Yeah, just get like three fucking houses to either have the authors call in and talk about their writing experiences

That's that's always Fucked with me I've interviewed a couple authors or two authors on my podcast and just their styles and talking about what they you know One grew up in Brooklyn this guy Reed Coleman and just went to a public school got dropped off latchkey kid Just started reading crying novels was his thing and then he just started like in college started writing shorter and shorter crime novels And that's what he wants to do and he's actually the guy that's gonna write the prequel to heat I think it's heat Right. He's doing they're doing a prequel or something like that to heat That's crazy crazy. That's crazy that they would do a prequel to heat when heat was such just to rip off of thief. I

Didn't see thief. Nobody has nobody has because it won the cons film festival 1980 It's a movie with James Kahn Belushi's brother Nelson and Tuesday. Well, really? Oh 1980. It's one of the greatest fucking movies You know, if you watch the Godfather the regular Godfather comes on. It's a great James Kahn is great Mm-hmm, but if you watch the woman they put those old pieces back in James Kahn ain't that really good. Now you're talking to somebody who's a James Kahn fan Okay, I'm telling you that some of those scenes. He did you watch him go?

Who was his acting teacher these scenes are terrible But what they got them in the Godfather? Yeah table telling them that you know, you joined the army and all that shit Mm-hmm. You're gonna hurt your dad on all that is brilliant, but thief He just hit it out of the park. I gotta check this thing out So that was Michael one of the Michael man's first movies So Michael man made thief and the prequel to silence of the lambs called Search of the green dragon or something like that. Okay, and Hannibal like there was completely different

Yeah, I vaguely remember. Okay. Yeah, I that movie was Michael Peterson Michael Peterson went on to do a movie called to live and die in LA. It's red dragon red dragon red dragon So if you look at the Hannibal like there in there, you're like who the fuck is that as a matter of fact? This is crazy because last night Silence of the lambs was on and and Hannibal was on afterward and I remember thinking to myself This guy is so good at this role like he hid it out in the fucking park I'm the second one when he fucking takes the guy. Yeah, I'm out in the building and takes his guts out Oh, the fucking knife and his guts come out into the fuck. Yeah, La Plaza. Yeah, so whatever the fuck it is

He's brilliant. Yeah fucking brilliant. That's a killer. Yeah, and it done wrong. It's just gross And I read that book in prison Really like I read that book word for word and I see that movie and it's the exact book There's nothing they shot that whoever executive produced that they cut a deal and whoever the author was he said If you move it around or fuck it up, it's you're done. Wow. This has to be it's done. Just like the fucking book They don't miss nothing. There's nothing added. You know when you watch when you read Donnie Brasko, there's a whole Chapter about what he did in Milwaukee with the central mob the people who live in Milwaukee. Okay, they're into vending machines There's a whole you know when you read good fellas good fellas

Is really about when you read Henry Hills book. Yeah, yeah, yeah when you read Whatever it's called wise guy. Yep when you read wise guy It talks about Henry how Henry Hill got really in that they took out the book Of the movie his son Paulie So he was friends with Paulie since he was a kid You follow me the same way I was friends with Anthony Balzano when he was a kid got it So whatever Anthony got Joey got because that's how they were raised So if Paulie got a job in the beach house in the summer, then he took Henry Hill

That's how Henry Hill got him with the Varios They don't tell you that in the book. They tell you in the movie. They tell you a complete different story But in the movie, I mean in the in the book they talk about them being bus boys In a exclusive bar in Long Island I wonder if that's done if there's versions of the script that are like that that have all that stuff still in it you know, I have a version of a good fellow script and it's Similar to the movie it's only revisions. Okay, just gave it to me as a gift In Toronto, there was a store that the the guy sold scripts with signatures

Yeah, I'm gonna shoot this one signed. I don't know who the fuck I don't know if it's did you read it Is it similar to the shooting script or the one they shot or no? There's a couple of things that are out of place. It's so weird Okay, because they make adjustments as they shoot a movie a lot of people know that you know when I first got analyzed that They were shooting that in New York and I'm not kidding you guys This is how much we that's why when you guys would read about a movie and they go Oh, well it made 800 million dollars and then you go to box office mojo And you see how much it costs and you see how much that film costs to make

And you go wow now if that film is 180 million guys, I'm gonna tell you something at home 60 million of that is pure waste. Yep It's a write-off guys It's an investment for the movie company. That's why they have to turn that movie around so quickly That's why it's very rare that a movie company if if we put a lot of move money into a movie That movie's coming out whether it sucks. It's coming out, you know, they'll they'll run it through it's different What do you call those focus groups? Yeah, get a rating we'll kind of feel for it. I don't even think they're running them through focus groups anymore

They're so fucking bad when movies cost a lot of money They're coming out on big days where they want people to go see movies When you see a movie that costs a lot of money that they're burying at different times Like that are not popular you can tell those are the ones they probably don't have the listen how many even how many movies Are making money? Look what happened this last weekend? How many movies are really making money anymore? It's the marvel movies or the fucking comic books the black panther movie killed it this year Yep, or or it's the guys like seph rogan who are doing like

15 to 20 million dollar movies that are making 60 to 70 million dollars or now 100, you know So now what you're doing is you have guys that that were like seph rogan made a couple of movies for 15 million dollars Like the dictator movie or whatever that was and they probably made about 50 Now he has a budget of like 25 or 30 Because those movies are making 100 or 120 now like the you know Neighborhood watch and those other movies that he's producing and directing and stuff So he he's got a formula where if you don't ask for too much upfront You know, you've got a fan base that's going to build that's going to make you now

It's not going the big exceptions are like get out You know like jordan peels movie that you make for you know four million dollars and then it makes 250 million dollars and gets nominated for an oscar. I mean that That guy should he should be able to make whatever he wants for the rest of his life because think about how you know How much money he made the original and rest investment eight million dollars I think the shooting budget was well eight million dollars Well, listen, and it made it's probably 250 million dollars. We've all We've all fucking been or been part of movies or whatever where

I've been on a day movie Yeah, you got to get something. There's a fucking apple and and cheese chips those chips with cheese in the middle Processed chips the six pack. Yeah, that's it. I've been on those movies guys. I know 100 hours a day I've been on those movies never been on movies where there's lobster tails on friday. Oh, yeah You know mall cop We were like had segues to drive around whenever we wanted to those little fucking the mall cop segues You want to go to the other end of the mall? Take a segway. Here's a jacket. Keep it. Don't worry There's a nintendo in your fucking hotel room, you know, and that's what people don't really get that

You don't really need 60 million to make a movie that the the studio gives you that And you could chop it up and weigh so that's the thing though, but you have to spend it Yes, see that's the thing But do you have to that's what i'm that the point is i think they're saying is like do you have to spend it Do you have to buy everyone jackets and nintendo's instead? You just go look instead of getting that shit. We got a tighter budget We're going to work a little harder for a little shorter, but Instead of that we don't have as much pressure to make as much money

You know i'm saying the mall cops that that have that extra budget and even for the budget You did the first mall cop. Yeah, the first one and the budget wasn't even that much money It was a fucking home run. It was 30 million 24 million dollars and it made a hundred January on martin luther king weekend, which has now turned into a great weekend. Yes Plopped it up with mall cop huge and it's funny because i still remember shooting spider-man And walking on sony lot and walking to my room and my Let's say the fucking like And let's say it was studio six

My room was fucking. I have my walk You know, I was a nobody. Yeah, there was a nice room. Yeah, no idea. I never forget walking and seeing susan And going what are you doing here? And i'm like i'm shooting spider-man doesn't get the fuck out of here Like what are you doing here? Because i'm trying to get kevin james a film career. Yeah, he was a tba And then he got him hit you Yep, and i never forget that i went out to dinner with rogan and him one night and i go hey, bro I give props and props to do remember when i bumped into you and the spider-man set He goes, yeah, what were we talking about? He goes kevin james getting the movie. I go you got him an itch

Yeah, you got him and fucking him. We'll smite that that would Launched him for fuck it and then he did more and then he did mall cop his own thing And that was it and I mean that just he's so likable in that movie. He just took off huge numbers He I mean that was that's a that made a lot of money, but then you I the other movie I did eddie murphy movie It's called imagine that the shooting budget is 92 million dollars It's made 16 16 17 you could look it up. I think it's 17 That I mean think about that l for paramount

Think about that l that's a big l But here's where people don't understand that you have all these l's But all you need is three home runs. Well, he's having hundred million dollars eddie murphy's got well. Yeah, I know I mean, so he's got a track record of you know, but you take an l like that And a couple of those he took a couple of those you know or black Dracula Norbit He took a couple beatings there for a while. Yeah, I was I There's a whole crew of us that were all in those movies we were all thrilled yet to work with eddie murphy

And he was they never you know, it was never really there What was the name of the movie imagine that I think it made 17 million dollars it's 90 million The movie business is fucking the entertainment was 10 years ago Well, I mean it's rough jack if you're not eddie murphy like if you guys are acting in a movie Do you see more money if they sell out tickets? What do you mean? I'll say that again like if you make more money if they sell a lot of tickets

You or joey? Yeah, and like yes from all cop. I get residual checks movies that are successful Especially worldwide is that from tv or like when they play on tv and dvd sales or is that ticket to every dvd sales That's internet now. That's when they played on hbo and shit Because like what I was thinking was is like if they took away all those perks for you You know that you know the studio is making millions and millions Do you really care if you if like if like would you really be like, okay? Yeah, I'll give up all that food and I'll give up the nintendo because I want to make it like 500 more bucks Well, here's the deal you will if you make if you know you're making a good movie

But if you're a guy that just gets 25 million dollars a check and it's just like well What's the next grip coming through and you just do it like it's a crappy movie like we did like eddie murphy Well, how many times are they gonna, you know, they're not going to give you 25 million dollars Any more to do those movies? Oh, they might because it's a fucking write-off When it's easy, you know, they have a certain amount of money to make a certain amount of movies But I think they'd rather give 12 kids two million dollars to make a little movie like that They might just blow up than eddie murphy 25 to be in anything. I don't think that way You've been here for 20 years. You've seen it. Yeah, they don't think that way

I just i'm optimistic that he can like figure something out people. Listen, we're all in the car I'm always in a I love to hear stories about A guy that put together a movie for three million. He had a fucking co-sign his mother's and grandmother's house I shot a movie called you got nothing Okay, mm-hmm this motherfucker sold the script Sold the script moving somebody attached the whole thing. He wanted to play some western store His girlfriend signed with somebody's manager fey doneaways manager You know hip pocketed her so what did he do?

this guy had done Seven episodes nypd blue or he had a lion or less Guess what he did boy like they came to him. I'm not kidding you guys they came to this is 2003 this is the first movie I ever did that was more than one day This is the first movie I ever did that had more than one scene And this is the first one we ever did where they put you on a plane And we shot sacramento and I didn't have to shoot for two days and I got a grandma ball at a bar

At a vfw. I went in there and had a drink and right I was in there two minutes and some chicken money I got blown speed. Give me a fucking grandma coke I was supposed to go to rehearsal. I never showed because it was one line. I told him I had the flu Just just if you watch this movie dog, you're like joey who gave you that orange shirt I couldn't even use the scenes in my reel Do you understand me these guys had the movie sold? This was a home run. They had like three people attached paramount But the guy

Just couldn't let it like fuck it. No, I'm gonna have my parents Fuck and put up. Uh, they remorganed. That's when remote remorgasers were huge They had her parents remortgage refinance refinance his father refinance They're all the both of them refinanced their houses in bellie hills leveraged to the tennis to get the one guy had a wig Oh my god, Murray's wigs don't fall off and the one guy that I knew from the movie Was the guy that played the sidekick in Okay, now this I hate this shit

Sidekick and why I brought some girls to meet you. Where would you bring regular bimbos? No, they're not bimbos. They've been bets Oh, uh bachelor party. No the one with the kid from that we used to use to date a girl in my hometown and fucking Matt Dillon Matt Dillon 1984 Hector Elizondo and About a kid who leaked in the summer. He goes up to the fucking the flamingo kid flamingo kid. Yes. Oh my god He was in the flamingo kid. So when I went to the audition, I reckon. Oh shit. All right. I love the flamingo kid

Yep, that's all it takes is one of the person that you recognize. Oh my god. I was like, this is legit This is legit. So I took this movie on there. I forget the fucking costume lady goes. What would you bring? Ralphie may had given me a shirt It was orange one of his shirts like a 5x that didn't fit him no more that somebody gave to him I was like a 4x at the time Coked up to the gills You know who was in that movie too. Look it up. You got nothing And give me the names. There was a guy in that movie that was married to the chick

From nypd blue that one that was Married to jimmy smiths on the show the brunette. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So this was really beautiful. You're the second Chilean person On the on the cast. Oh, yeah, they had to move me up. Who's the number one greg lincey? Okay, who's number val lauren go ahead keep the rest is alphabetical keep reading Philip angiolotti Benjamin carpenter joe corti cortis. Okay, joe cortis joe corte joe cortes. Okay, whatever you say

Joe cortes's story guys, you're gonna die about this one. That sounds familiar. This guy was a bit. He's still around Joe cortes still around in about 70 looks good Goes in for a few rolls from time to time. Oh, he looks real good. Oh my goodness But joe cortes was this fucking dude that in the 80s Was just a woman killer in this town Oh, really? And the story goes He was mammy vise

He got it. He was the original don johnson. He was the original Look, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah Who's he with as an agency? I don't have problems. All right Oh, I should have logged in a month. Oh, he died. Did he die? No, he's still alive. Yeah, he's still alive Paterson and jersey Yeah, joe cortes does look good had a tremendous career in this town 72 American history acts was he in that? Yeah Joe cortes brow was a bad motherfucker, but joe cortes was the original don johnson And don johnson did walk in tired audition on a Friday

I nailed it. Is that what happens at the story? Yeah, it's like you got it Steve run is easy. You're the guy and then don johnson walks in last minute go see some one Just go see this guy don johnson at the time was hanging out like with fucking Frank zappa Don johnson was like a gold don johnson was hanging out with Either let it skin it or the almond brothers if somebody there's like this in fact one of those bands Say that he called wrote a song Like don johnson was like a fucking actor in this town. That was just a good-looking guy

But he was fucking tearing up. He was married to melanie griffin. I think he married melanie griffin's mother Don johnson has an interesting story. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He did some pippy something He's he's fucking nuts don johnson really but don johnson walked into that thing on a friday and got it And the rest was fucking history. Joe cortes. That's his it's like that dude That he turned down friends And he looks like a dick Who turned out there's an actor that's out there. He was in the movie with jenna davis In 1995 where jenna davis did with the black dude

Who's the black dude that does all the spikily movies the dj? Oh, wesley snipes If the dj and do the right things Come on guys. He does the credit card commercials now. He's huge now. Who's the biggest black actor? Oh, um, the president from 24 24. No, no, no, no, no By the way, filipa Joe cortez all those guys We did that movie you got nothing and I mean

Did it make any money? It didn't do anything Nothing Nothing a lot of those movies don't It was such a shame because while we were doing it they kept talking about their lives and their money and The investment they had and they weren't trying to spend they really Were keeping the budget low. I mean that wasn't a nice hotel or something. It was like a motel six in sacramento I was really excited. I had like eight days on the movie. Yeah

So it was great. I knew I got the movie when I walked in there, you know It was the first time I ever shot like That and then like a week later. I got the rodney movie Oh, which one they were at the comedy store. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I got an audition like I just finished that And I got an audition at right across the street From the it's down the block from the comedy store on sunset adding towards the strip club Across from that bar. So there's that mexican bar in the corner When you come up that street and make a left and then there's the the train where you get the hot

Yeah, that's yeah, carneys. Yeah, carneys. Yeah up the block from there used to be a big time casting director She was old and she'd throw you out of the office if you weren't prepared Like the first time I got an audition with her they were like, listen This lady is fucking 60 000 years old And she doesn't even like you bringing the sides in you got to be off book off book from the pre-read Those days in the pre there was to impress you. You got to be there in those days. There was a pre-read Yeah, you got to go to the odd the the casting director first before that you she puts her fucking neck out there for you So she was going to pre-read and then you would fucking do this and then there was six hoops

And I remember I went for the pre-read when I walked in rodney was in there At the pre-read listen to me rodney was in there. Who uh, who's the guy that runs the laugh factory jamie? No in vegas He was the director garret no no no no no who runs the the laugh factory is uh, I don't know I just spoke to him about a week ago two weeks ago Uh, great guy. He put me in that movie. Really? He was a director. He had done Two movies with rodney as a director And fucking I walked in and I just seen him and a bunch of all those producers were walking around the store I didn't know anything about anything. Did you see anyone else you knew in the waiting room like the like other people auditioning?

Like because usually that's like the other comedians that are like just like oh, we're all going into this fucking thing together No, I don't remember they were the only other comedians in the movie were harlan williams paul rodgers The guy with the big ears. That's a drunk That's still around. I forget what his name is A couple fucking annoying comics, but no no no there was no comics from the store that was like my no no no no no I went in there like uh, that was the first time it's a movie about the prison

And I was one of the guys in the prison that we ran out and we ran and we we robbed the hardware store at night So we had jacuzzi's or shit bro. I had scenes with that chick the Scientologist Leah remony. No The one that uh, did the movie with travolta. I had fucking scenes to do for vacation The guy's brother. I mean that movie had. Oh, yeah back by midnight back by midnight. Who's that cat harry basal is the director harry basal Oh, who's in the movie? Randy quade, kirstie alley, kirstie hallmark, paul rodriguez, harlan williams Marty bolaski, I don't know him Marty bolaski. Yes, he was gonna be the next big fucking thing

He was skinny and shit. Oh my god. He was a laugh factory guy. He was supposed to be a star Like Marty bolaski. Marty bolaski. Wow. His head shot is still black and white. So I don't think it worked out Yeah, no, I haven't seen him around. Tony cox Uh, Tony cox little black midget. Yeah from from uh The little black midget from fucking the movie you like I'm gonna see part two with johnny rock and his girlfriend. Uh, the band santa bad santa. Yeah. Yeah. Tony cox is a little black midget Oh, dude, he's hilarious. He's hilarious dog. I mean, we had a blast on that movie christie alley Was eating she had to be tipping the scales at 350. Oh, it's big and i'm tipping the scales at 350

Gilbert godfried, isn't it? You know, we were eating we were eating like animals on that fucking set It was tremendous and I didn't listen they hired me, but there was no character Oh, really the script like it was up to Rodney every day It was When is easy did he just put you in scenes and stuff? He just like he just he liked me so much as the ambition that he's like Just we just bring them down to find something for yeah, so they called me jojo. He called me jojo. That's amazing. This is this is You know, this is like fucking this guy was everything to me. I had to do everything I had to do To keep cool in front of him. Mm-hmm

Like everything I had to do like when I watched the young comedian special with bill hex and Canis and all those guys and he's hosting they're hilarious But he was fucking hilarious in between. I still remember gonna see easy money with beers And the movie was sneaking beers and as soon as the movie started all you heard was beers opening up the whole Like I still remember being excited for easy money two weeks out I was nervous meeting my girl my girlfriend at the time now my wife's father And I remember when walked in a couple times I met him But the first time I really was bonded we sat down and watched back to school

And we laughed at the same time at the same. It's just it's impossible not to laugh It was the first movie he showed me like when we first started first started going to his house He like pulled me down. He had it on his dvr. Which one back to school. No, no easy money. No the one with the he's a photographer Oh easy money. Yeah, I'm sorry. It's historical because it's funny on so many different levels Fucking just visually. It's a funny. He's a funny perhuman being. No, you know, I don't lose my mind Like I saw the america in the store. I didn't lose my mind poem woolly I didn't lose my mind. There's a lot of people at the store when I first got there, but Here I am in a roddy movie

And there we go Go knock on this trailer and see what he wants to do to you and I would walk and then he'd have a robot He was naked under the robe and shit smoking weed and the fucking thing and I'm like He doesn't have an idea That if he told me to suck his dick right now, I'd Harvey him like that's how much I idolized Rodney like just he was apart. Yeah done like done like he was who I was So for six days, I just got to watch this old Rodney

But I didn't give a fuck. Yeah, I think he was old. He couldn't remember his lines guys He would come out just to do his lines You know like they would yell the lines lines So they would say uh, but then he would just he would he was old. Yeah, it just wasn't him He just doing movies for the check for his pension now Well, he didn't start till he was 50, but he was still smoking dope and drinking And walking around with a robe barefoot like he was just a fucking legend And like I I talked to him a few times like we would talk about the scenes and shit

Jojo and this is what we're gonna do here. Take your shirt off. Let me show you look You don't like like there's one scene where I'm 400 pounds. I'm just sitting there with no shirt on In the fucking prison chair looking around. Look at this guy, huh? The movie is god awful. Oh, man I mean we went to the fucking thing That was no like like like I was telling Lee next week Moral day labor day labor day labor day I'm gonna do a podcast with Lee and I wrote down I did the Abe Lincoln clothes and I wrote down

Since I got into the prison The good things that I did and the bad things that I did And I gotta tell you this is like my good accomplishments and my bad accomplishments Let's say your bad accomplishments are triple Your good accomplishments, but you just did a couple good things like I I keep looking at this list and going That was a good move. Yeah, that was a good move like That was instinct, you know, like now I'm looking at what made me do those moves And I look at the other moves and it's just just straight up drug mistakes drug

And stupidity drug and just being 20. Yeah and being 30 and being immature You oh my god, I got out of prison at 25 years old And You know, I had been through From 16 it didn't end like it just didn't end prison was like the first time that things slowed down Like who I know where I'm gonna get an apple from tomorrow. I thought was the first time So when I got out of there, but did you need it? You think that I need prison at that time It was either gonna happen then or now

But somewhere it was gonna come down and it was either gonna be a I think they've got a I did a mistake and I got a short sentence and I went out with my life But in those 30 years, I just wanted to crown a lie, you know, like got married blew the divorce You know after I knocked my wife up Like I was falling apart Like most men do it when you knock a woman up those nine months are fucking emotional for a man We keep it together like I'm having a child. Yeah, but deal. I'm so excited. His name is lucifer But deep down inside you're breaking inside. You know, yeah, what if I slip?

I can't slip. There's no more fucking up the net's gone. There's no more fucking up. Like that's it Yeah Like every punch I throw Has to connect. Yep And that's what and you got to pull something too. It's weird how life Throws though, like you guys I went to the break. I went to pee and you're like, I don't know when I'm ready to have a kid I've said this once I said this outside. You're never ready to have a kid. No You're never ready to get that big movie. Nope. You're never ready to get that big call from a producer to do that big comedy show

But you step up And you cover the spread And you walk out and go Yeah, well and we figured out they didn't let me see they didn't see me sweat That's the most important thing like I look at that list and I go. Oh my god. I mean, I don't know how I did that I was howling howling But the moves that were good

were thought out I know that they were calculated Like the stand-up what makes you get on stage the first time pure Fucking stupidity Alcohol and bravado. Yep. You don't know why you get on stage the first time You have no idea. You know, I like I threw this poor bastard up on stage in Chicago during my special He did great and he never talked about it again. He was an experience

It was such a rush. Oh my god. You don't know my name. It's it's it's what are you doing? Why'd you get on stage? For me? Yeah, I mean dumbest thing we ever did. It was the dare I mean, I was I'm like, I don't really want to do it. My my girlfriend was like, I'm gonna sign you up tonight drunk I'm like, all right. Let's do it Get on stage tell three minutes of jokes Had people told you were funny before kind of yeah, but I feel like you're either There's only a certain amount of people that would ever take the risk of doing that and embarrassing themselves

That's a small amount and then out of that amount anyone that's willing to do it That's ever willing to do it again or multiple times. That's even smaller So I think it weeds out real fucking quickly real quickly The people that are like never meant to do it, but the whatever whoever's drawn to that microphone for whatever reason mostly it's just Yeah, for me was like some sort of false bravado thinking that I'm funny person that I could do it and

a little bit of alcohol That's it and going back Is because I felt okay and I didn't something about being on stage was like, oh I'm this isn't the worst feeling in the world. I kind of at some level enjoy this Are you saying there's something about how much? I really want to hate my wife and how much I like to stab her and how much I like to do a lot of to my ex-wife, but

She did what she had to do and I can't be mad at her for that, but she did do one thing She fucking like I kept calling up comedy works and cancel it Oh really and yeah, and then one day I told her I got a spot and she got a babysitter So she put me against the wall. Yeah go down there. We went got dinner. It was like a date night And I went down there with her and I fucking got on stage and when I got off that owner of the Comedy works is there at Nichols at the time He's like keep doing it. You got stage presence and shit now. I remember like walking up the stairs the comedy works going like how Am I gonna keep doing this? Yeah, like I have a wife and a child like what am I gonna tell him?

Like I remember the next couple weeks at work. It was like I hope this ladder falls, you know like Because I was a roofer and I would help them I would estimate roofs And then we're going like I wish this ladder falls and I break my legs so I could get out of roofing And while I'm rehabilitating getting to stand up kind of like I was like, yeah Like I didn't know how I was gonna do it And I kept getting on little stages and I kept eating a bag of dicks Then I went to New York for 10 days just strictly to do blow

Like I hadn't been in New York for six years. I left in 85. It's 91 And I just basically went to New York to do blow And get on a few stages and I went to a few places and It was kind of scary and I just did blow. I went to bianque stadium every night and bought fucking I rented a car from Hertz and it was like a white police car You know, every time I go to the Bronx, these black people would run away and I'm like, no, I'm not the cops I could try to blow with a white police car. Oh my god. I was taking cash advances on this credit card. I was Those big percentages fall on those fucking 18 at least on those things. Oh, they hit you out

That's how the first time you got a cash advance on a credit card. You're done Yeah, because the tags onto everything The 18 tags onto everything. Yeah, because the 100 they're not charging you $100 on your credit card They're charging you 118 and then you don't pay that and then the interest is on the 118 They're gonna pay I went bananas when I got divorced. I had like every credit card in the world And I went through them like a fucking bandit The worst day I ever did was discover like I tried to reapply for discover I got a fucking application came back ripped up

Like mush is taking some shit It came back ripped. I got a discover card in college And they gave you a t-shirt with it like a long sleeve t-shirt And I remember playing basketball that day and I had to go To a class and then I had to go do something later on. I didn't want I had it was all sweaty So I wanted I basically just wanted to fucking tea. I wanted a long sleeve t-shirt. So I signed up the card came in the mail $12,000 later, you know, they give these fucking cards to people. I don't know $12,000 and about six years later. I finally pay this fucking card off

I still have this fucking t-shirt It's got a thousand holes in it and my wife keeps trying to throw it away You touch that it was a $12,000 fucking t-shirt. I'm gonna be buried in that fucking t-shirt It's got the discover card on the front of it Thousand holes up the fucking sleeve and shit holes everywhere But I held on to that fucking t-shirt because it cost me 12 grand $12,000 I don't know if they still do that, but they signed

They had discover Mastercard diners club all in the fucking union hall of the college of the college That's how I got up. That's how I got as soon as you get alone Soon when you go to that that that intro day. Yeah, there was an intro that had huts. I couldn't believe it I was like a candy candy store I was a thief and I just wanted a fucking t-shirt. Here I am with like eight g's in my pocket Scholarship money from pool Latinos. They donated I'm signing up for classes. I'm withdrawing

I'm okay. I'm banging out these checks. I'm a fucking animal collecting wick. Nobody knew nothing. Nobody knew nothing No, not even my wife. I had money coming in from a high scholar I had a friend. That's what he specialized in You paid him 500 bucks and all he did was get you scholarships And he had lists of them five nickels. Oh, I was getting nickels. I was just banging them out like they were my money bang Fucking I was saw an eight ball and I got a nickel and saved 250 fuck that then I go get a jacket Then I go to the movies. I go get a fucking one of those chicken fill sandwiches

I need three or four of those chick filets In bold. Do you think I'm kidding? But I'll never forget going to pick up a pal grand $2g ones. Yep. They're free and I was like, oh, I'm going to get some blow it all this shit And I go downstairs and the visa girl came up. Oh, how are you? Did you get a pal grand? Yes. I did you qualify Really sign me up sign me up. I signed every one of those things the week later All those cars came in the mail with a nickel and let me tell you something. I didn't touch those fucking things didn't touch them

Didn't touch them got locked up came out didn't touch them every once in a while like I go to No, I'm one there was one car and I would repay but it would kill me That's why I didn't gamble because I don't like paying that motherfucker on thursday That's what happens with a credit card. You're out spending drinking. I would go to What's that place that gives you the bottomless fries? Robin robin and bold I had a coco loco That would fuck you up like vodka and fucking gizanga juice and ice cream

I got up to like Thousand pounds drinking 10 of those a night and putting them on my credit card the 16 grand 1000 grams of sugar Oh my god, bottomless fries. I used to spend there and had a place called the harvest I would get my credit card and it would just be harvest harvest harvest harvest harvest harvest harvest harvest harvest harvest harvest harvest harvest Harvest was a vegan joint. Okay, that I thought was just the tea you had methan it The tea would make your hair stand up. Seriously. I wish I'm I wish I was lying. It was like a cinnamon tea When they Tried to switch it because celestial seasonings is in london, colorado

That the ball bolder. Okay, basically So I guess they put celestial seasonings in the town got together and signed the petition for the harvest to bring the tea back This is 1987 80 889. I was I went in the harvest every day From 1987 to about 1994 Jesus for tea every day. I went in there for tea The swiss granola or the australian pit chicken or the vegan despacho

That's all I ate was the harvest. Hmm I loved it. The breakfast was the best high calorie breakfast. You could eat it was fruit This fucking frozen vanilla yogurt. It doesn't sound bad with blueberries, but a ton of granola Which kills you it was called swiss granola with two pieces of multigrain toast and butter That's what I'll eat for breakfast every day heavy on the bananas and the blueberries No kiwi none of that shit. I would go in and destroy those things So for years I kept my credit card use low. I didn't know but when I got separated What do I give a fuck

I started burning through those things like a motherfucker, but the last one was discover Discover I just took to the cleanest because they were done with me But I got home coked out when I started looking through the drawers and I found those discover checks Discovered checks. Oh, yeah They were like you get a hand you know, whatever you get a credit card. They also send you three blank checks Oh, I don't remember that same thing is getting in advance my buddy His dad was a gambler and they almost lost the house off those checks Don't give me those checks. You could put whatever you want. So I waited till that was a saturday night 10 o'clock

Wow, I fucking signed it for a thousand And there was a bank of boulder And I had like 300 in my I don't even know I don't even know no I couldn't add 300 I had no money in my bank And next you know, I put in the driver's window And usually the check would come back into a tube and I picked open it up and it was $100 bills I took that money and ran. What's that feeling like?

But I had also taken a loan out from these people for the Acura at the time I had an Acura car And I had my bank loan with them. So I guess they but from monday 905 my phone ran to Diaz But we have bad news for you discover declined that check you better bring back that thousand dollars. What? I was like Me and some girls snorted that shit that poor girls on the bus right home thinking to herself what happened Dude thinking to herself what happened. She was coming over to snort a line and go meet her girlfriend She ended up sucking and fucking for two days in that basement of debt. Oh god, and they were serious, probably

Yeah, I never heard that they go 12 o'clock. I said I called the lady at the bank. What do you mean? You have to tell me what are you gonna do over clock discover some of the press charges? I said, okay And I fucking called the lady I had the loan with And I told her what happened. I go was a mistake whenever she goes. Let me see what I could do That's fucking up my clothes went back and she goes what I'm gonna do is tack on the thousand We're gonna pay discover and tack the thousand on to your car loan. That's how fucking Ballsy I was well So one night I'm taking the Acura. I'm going to a nugget game

I got two tickets to see the nuggets courtside And I hit black ice and I fucking bang out those Acura rims or a thousand dollars a piece I bang out the fucking Acura rim. I gotta drive home with a flat tire. You know me. I'm lazy I don't know how to change the tires. Just drove home. I didn't give a fuck. Oh my god. I'm making payments on this car So Mike Kessler the wolf that's been on the show like he worked. He was a general manager at the At the accurate place. I told him listen leave the leave the keys in the car I'm like over there one night. Just take the Acura and take a bring it in the house take the tires off and switch rims This is how crazy I was dog. I was proud of my mind. You did that

Please I can't talk to it because people will know I think you just copped to it. No, no, I didn't say no not necessarily necessarily. It's funny as shit Oh my god, and then there was another there was a dealership up there And I was I knew them I used to go up there sell them coke and shit And I used to go up there at night and I used to get Gouda cheese I love Gouda cheese crackers and then freshly squeezed honest juice and I would sit there at night. Look at the accuracy And one night I go, let me see if the door is open And the door was open and I went in and it was a friday night. I went into the dealership. This story's out

So I don't give a fuck And I knew where the spiff box was where they have the cash for saturdays like if you sell the most And I clipped the bag it was like 300 400 the next day they blame this guy named david means Who lived in florida? I mean he was a thief and a coke fiend There was a bunch of coke fiends who worked at the Subaru. It was a slag Subaru accurate dealership. Oh my god I got it. I got a hide on the accurate side and I was fresh out of prison And I had a big chip on my shoulder dog. I was out of control

Really? Oh, I was out of control when I was in the halfway house dog I was itching for a fucking And the guy's name was jeff jensen I still remember the nicest white guy in the business And my first three days there. I sold three cars. I had already made like three grand And I could have used to have a car called the vigor And the finance guy was black and he drove in vegas so they used to call him the nigga with the vigor You can't write this shit. You understand me. I mean, yeah, this is only in bolder because they were racist people

So I could used to have a car in 1988. Look at that. Look who invented the nickname though That's all I remember the dealership dealership. You gotta have a nickname. It was fucking hilarious. So One day I found out something they were gonna revoke my probation or something So jeff jensen was one of those guys that was just the night, you know, like the guy from zany's nashville No, yeah run or door or door. Nice. This guy in the world. Yeah, this is the nicest guy in the world It was only sold in america from 91 to 94 See it was called the vigor and they Listen, there wasn't a black person in the 90 mile radius. They bought that vigor. No that that there wasn't a

Person 90 mile radius a black person And the one black person they hired them to be the finance manager at the accurate store and then they gave him a vigor So the white dudes just sit there that were racist and they'd go look at that fucking vigor with the nigger with the nigger with the vigor And I would just sit there and go there's only in bolder because they are racist fucking those, you know, it's a That's why they had all the problems with the football players. They're shit like that We do 8 000 podcasts last two podcasts. We said that we're like 18 times because it's true It's not a racist word, but usually I'm not using a racist term at all. Well, you're just repeating it with what?

Yeah, no, no, I'm just repeating what they were saying, you know I'm saying I mean that Why would they make that obviously what did the car look like do you have a that's right? Yeah, I mean it was a smaller whatever It was a smaller version of the fucking car that put them on the map Oh the uh What's the car that put them on the map this well, they just look so old that's four door whatever that was Oh, yeah, that looks like a dots. Yeah So

Integra Acura, what was it the Acura? I had a two door Acura Integra. I used to call it the act The white little Integra with the fucking it was tremendous It had the best fucking stereo system in the world. I bought it from my brother jim wheeler bigger for fucking book Oh, really? For book and then we got like 11 five from the bank. We chopped up a nickel piece You know us dog always wheeling fucking dealing because he gave it to me from book But it was worth more of the stereo. They had paid the kid like eight thousand for the car He told me if you just put five over on the thing. I saw you the car right now through the bank

So that's what I did. Oh, perfect. And they paid off the thousand dollars, too Then no no no no no no no when I left colorado. I just left that car on the corner I just left on the corner Dog I listen like I owed I had no insurance Yeah, so I had I hadn't made a payment and fucking I used to hide the car and on the bushes I had to hide the car three blocks away under fucking camouflage So you parked your car at night three blocks away. They were looking for me. They were looking for a tarp on it or whatever Oh, no, I would park in some guy's garage. I told him I had a problem

He would let me park in there and he parked outside so the tow truck could knock the door down It was I was going through how I was starting comedy. Yeah, I was in my 32nd year comedy All the money I was making was paying an attorney off to keep the wolves off me from my ex-wife I was committed to comedy at that point 93. I was like in like that's it. This is what I want to do So it was just a rough patch. I had it was just a really rough patch and I just left the car there And you know what years later with my credit app. There ain't nothing there. So it's crazy I had two cars dissolved into paperwork that I know I owed money on I had a car in 83 that I bought off one of those buy here pay here

and the bank got involved and I left on 143th street 135th street in the small storm one that came back three days later They picked up like a chicken bone. I was just pay was down to the frame on bricks. I never said nothing I didn't call a cop. I just got on the plane to colorado And dog that thing still hasn't popped up on my credit app I got like a perfect credit store now and I got my amix back and I banged amix For years that when I was going to that divorce I would drive up to the casino because you can't get a cash advance from amix

Unless you go to a casino on those days Oh, really? Why because the fucking pit boss will call american express himself. I'll say steven's easy needs a nickel Wow Yeah, and then in the 90s into in the 90s If your car if your car had a five thousand dollar limit and you went to las vegas You just call the pit boss A pit boss would up your fucking limit on the car. Do you know that? No, I would go to lanc city Yeah, but we'd have to play we were under 21 to get our IDs chalked and stuff

So we just wanted to win cash. We weren't looking for big big wins Something that we didn't have to like go in and sign paperwork for a couple hundred bucks. That's all we were looking for But I didn't realize that you needed like if you needed to get a cash advance You needed to talk to someone a fucking pit boss or a dealer or someone like that to get you a cash advance Fuck they get your cash advance. They call the card for you. Bump your limit And get your cash advance Damn, that's how much strength they had like in the 90s 80s a fucking casino in las vegas Well, you can still do it now. He would know somebody at the company

Like let me talk to mariam mariam joe over here at the yeah ceases Seattle a nice guy big player been coming in for about four years. It's got 50 000 limit on this car I went up to 75 000 Let me see what I could do. Yeah, okay, and then you'd be able to go. You heard they could still do that Oh, I want no, I know you can get an advance. I didn't know it makes sense though because the casino probably has a relationship And they're probably like, well, we'll cover the losses. Like well, like we'll just have him or us Like they they they probably like I'm I wouldn't be surprised Yeah, I destroy and it makes sense

They just want you gambling while you're spending money in my fifth year of comedy fourth year comedy I would get through a comedy club And somebody would go somebody just called here for you Called this number and I would go that's hbo That's an agent And I call them back and it's like hey joey sam's from fucking discover. Oh my fuck You have no idea how many places I would go then they call me You never had student loans or anything. Did you I mean besides like they came after you for those pills and shit like that or

No, no those are just like yeah came after me about seven years ago for the student loan Oh, they did they found you. Oh, yeah seven years ago. Yeah Where they try to pop you if you don't mean you know But I had to pop me for could I grab one of those too a big fucking envelope Holy shit seven years ago. That's a while after too. Fuck. I skipped. There's no statute of limitations on that No, not on student loans student loans. They will fucking hunt you down. Listen. If you die Your wife is responsible. Yeah fucking student loans There's a big vice article a year or two ago about people who are leaving the country and just never coming back

But they're not going to pay their student loans like they'll get arrested if they ever come back to america Seriously, yeah, they don't they don't fuck around you get a letter As soon as they see something listen, I didn't pay taxes from 91 2000 like fucking three My wife god bless her talked me into going to the irs And I've said it a thousand times

They were the nicest people in the world But i'm gonna tell you guys something You don't have to pay taxes Do you know people that don't make no one's like have you make 30 g's a year? Oh, let's say you're a wheeler dealer and you're making cash. You have to pay taxes But i'm gonna tell you something If you're making money they know it If you're making deposits and cash and checks

They know it and they in time they'll come get you They'll come get you when you make money That's why those years they told me that I wasn't responsible from 91 to 80. You'd only go back seven years Those years it doesn't matter. I made I made no money one year I made money the other fucking seven years were $8,000 years in 1996. I made $8,900 In 1995 I made like $9,000 One of those years I made 72 because I made 60 000 in december working for a sports betting service. I made $12,000 one year

You know delivering chinese food trying to just put angles together But all those years let's make a new brand. I made like $20,000 in 2002. They don't give a fuck about $9,000. What are you gonna do with $9,000? When you start making money, they will reach out and touch you remember that them reach out and touch somebody What was that? They'll reach out and touch them. They know exactly where you are, especially now Especially today Yeah, now you can't go anywhere, you know when I was doing all this crazy shit Remember we were still you know, I was telling these guys a story the other day that had a friend who used to

Was I telling AJ or you about my buddy with the with the ATM cards? Then he would close accounts. Yeah, who was I telling was I telling you was AJ About he would fucking go into a bank put 2000 and Leave it there for six months and take a $2,000 bank loan on it A book loan on it on the 2000 so he would take 2000 And then in those days the computer systems weren't fast enough So woodland hills and studio city so he would walk into studio city bank of america 259 and close the account And get the 2000 back get the 2000 back and then shoot up the woodland hills by five and close the account

Because the computers wouldn't move fast enough And then you do that was that process it they caught immediately, you know, they didn't catch you But now you can't do that. You know over the year, you know, this I had to do a background check two months ago for a passport This shit on there. That's not even mine Really? Oh, there's cocaine arrest on there. We got arrested for cocaine But how many hose ad's is on there? Yeah fun So there's probably a lot of shit is on there

But let me tell you say that because my first american express card or no, I I got a new one You know the day comes up. I got a new one probably five years ago And you get the I don't I looked at the number of whatever and all of a sudden I'm using it the guy's like, man It's this it's crazy. How old this card thinks you are and you know on this on american express says member since yeah Mines had members since 88 And my dad has the exact same name as I and he had he was a member since 88 So the card they sent me was my card

But they must they had his name and they had members since 88 So now i'm you know, i'm a fucking I'm a child trying to you know get it So I I said to them I go you guys this is my card, right? This shit's not going to my dad's bill. He's like, no, no, no, we fucked up. We just you know We looked the name and that was it. I was like, oh shit, but yeah, I can imagine that Jose Diaz has many many different You know

Citations against him, but then the shit like I did a ton of shit from 81 to 85 None of that is on there That's good like I don't start coming up in the computer like I had an arrest in bergen county And that's not up there But there was a couple of arrested with those arrested if you don't get in trouble for six months It's clean off your record. I don't like six of those

But there was a couple other ones that you know, I know they should be on there There's no way on there. How close are you to getting it all taken care of? Not close at all I still got the warrant in washington state But it's a non whatever warrant and they're gonna come get me and I'm not gonna surrender. So we're on a stalemate. Yeah, they just want money They just want me to pay a fine. That's it. That's done. I think the Idaho warrant is null and void I think Idaho finally gave up I was like we're done chasing Joey Diaz. We're done. It was a different time. Yeah, it was a different uh

You know something weird happened, I don't know if you guys read the paper. It's really fucked with me the last couple days And I'm gonna talk about them. We'll get the fuck out of here. I know you got things to do with people to see Just think about auntie board Dan's girlfriend. What about her? I haven't heard about this This is beautiful. She's one of the earlier accusers of r.v. Weinstein But it just got released that she's getting sued She's already she she settled she settled For raping a 17 year old kid on a set woman. What? Her she did. Yeah

And you know, I told my wife I go we look what people don't really understand across the country is that hollywood Let's start from scratch Wow, this what's that expression they say about women There's no wrath Angry woman. I'll have no fury like a scorn woman or scorn woman. Let me tell you something There's a lot of men in hollywood that are bitter But think how many women there are

to the fucking bitter You know, there's a bunch of women that suck dick and got success But there's a lot of them that suck dick and just got plain lied to You know, I just bumped into a comic from 20 years ago About two months ago and it was great to see her and the whole thing But she sucked her way out of this town Yeah, you know, like you ever see somebody and your your friends are doing you never had nothing to do with her But you just see her now and you're like you sucked your way

out of this town you know I went to prison. I did something wrong. Stephen is easy. I got locked up and I paid my due to society And I got judged, you know, I had to get judged and all this shit, but at the same time I don't I have daughters and I have a wife and I have friends. I have daughters and I understand the whole me too project But you really have to think of the whole thing and if there's smoke, there's fire You know Before you fucking throw a rock you better make sure you don't live in a glass fucking house

I mean Okay, that's number one the most painful interview I've seen so far is matt lauer when he's interviewing bill oriley Just literally like, you know, you're the head of the network. You're the face of the network You don't think these accusers have And then for him to be a month later It's like, how do you do that interview? It's how do you do that interview knowing that you you know, it's gotta come down the other way We live a weird fucking time

We live in a weird. This is a weird So this woman did a made a payout already for this To the kid. Yeah And she's one of the early accusers was it it was it uh, um Like he was like was he like drugged or something like that or was he just like I was just 17 He was 17 in 2013 Now he's telling me to smack the fuck out of him. Yeah, he's got to be something Some old god's kid because you know, what's he doing there? Jento sucked his dick off

Like she you could tell she got the twos and she's nasty and you know the age of consent in california is 18 So maybe that's why that's why really But yeah, he uh, yeah right after she Uh, they did a movie together or something. Yeah after but he went after her right after She'd start talking with her Harvey Weinstein. Oh wow, okay Yeah, you got to make sure your house is clean before you start pointing fingers I try you got to check your fucking closet from time to time and rather those bones

I always do and just look and listen man. That's why body. I don't get down when people You know, they talk shit about the fucked up shit you do or I've done or whatever. It's like fucking I don't give a fucking you like you you have to know like your house is all fucking cleaned up. You've done all your homework You're perfect You know the thing that gets me the most about this town is I was a criminal I fucking used a gun if you're gonna do something these guys don't use guns They're like fucking little wormy fucking dudes, you know and my point before was being is I've done a lot of fucked up shit. We were at the store when

I seen a lot of bad shit at the store I seen women get put through a lot of shit at the store. Absolutely. I seen women walk into situations at the store I saw a lot of bad Crazy stuff at the store, you know, I I raised my hand on some nights. There was some crazy shit that went on there but uh I saw women get eaten up in this town And I you know, you try to pull them aside. You like them as a comic and you're like, hey man, don't do that

Fuck you. You know what you're talking about and then they gone I saw women that try I know a lot of female comics that used that power But at the end comedy always wins At the end if you can't be fun here Those titties and that pussy and that all that shit goes away and I saw it. I saw I saw women do it You know, I saw Women go through it. You know, there was a girl at the store when I first got to the store She would suck your dick for a spot

in the belly room Tell you Yeah, tell you. Yeah, I'll suck your dick for a spot the belly of me like are you fucking crazy? I'll get young things Yeah, hold on one second. Don't go nowhere I'm gonna talk to this chick. You know real quick. You know, I mean it was that crazy at the store Yeah, so when you hear when all this shit went on I looked at it from you know And I Harvey Weinstein's a piece of shit in my book, you know, but we all know he was doing that everybody know everybody was in on it

They were all in on it. The agents knew it was like a joke How do we fuck around? When we're together when you know, what's sitting there is meant three guys, you know when When three guys are sitting together by themselves What do you think we're talking about fucking? Cars. Yeah, when three animals are sitting together. They're talking about their conquests That's what they do. They talk about their conquest three classless fucking guys Which there's a lot more classless guys in LA than classy guys

Bro, I have people that suck my dick. I've never said nothing I've never said nothing I know people that say don't listen. I give them the suck your dick But don't say nobody said and you're like, this is the best blow job in the world If you say something that everybody don't want one. Yeah, you don't say don't say none. You know what? I won't say nothing You're absolutely right. I know how to keep my match up. But there's guys that have to Tell about that conquest. You tell you you didn't mean to tell me Harvey Weinstein Never told guys come in for a second. Fuck them roses. Whatever her name is sucks a tremendous pipe or whatever

They they chit chat. There's plenty people. So they all knew they all knew You know Harvey goes to a party. He sees the hot 20 year old Who's her agent? Come in for a second. Send her into my office tomorrow. He knows that agent knows exactly What's going down? You know, not one agent was mentioned that has sent all these women. I would attack the agents I would make the agents liable go. Hey, man, you sent me to that fucking office and fucking Godzilla stuck it up my ass You know, it's a truth. We just ain't a joke. I used to yell in my agent if they sent me to the wrong building I used to call my I'm like, can you guys get your shit together?

And you know, I'm like, but then there's two sides of that story where it is easy There's a lot of people who know what they're walking into This town is not there's a lot of people who don't want to do the work in this fucking town They don't want to do the fucking work And I guarantee there's women that come out here going I'll suck a dick You tell me that that's not true. That's the truth. No, I'm saying it is I also think that some people think it's their only way that that you know, I'm not that good And this is the only way I'm gonna be able to go. No, you're right. And we saw it. We saw it. I saw it at the store. Yeah

I remember one night coming back from the store with Leah and just telling stories that I got to the point where my body was shaking We were outside. It was warm weather. I just told them calm me, you know, just Shit that I had forgotten about that your mind gets exercised as you're talking And you remember different sexual and crazy situations and You know, and I'll tell you what like I've never really Been like a fucking and and I wanted to tell this story on the podcast When I was 13, I went to Cuban dudes and there were animals You know, Cuban dudes are animals. Yeah, the white dudes on how it were a little bit more

Classy, but the Cuban dudes like yeah, I wouldn't make I wouldn't grab a titties and shit So I didn't really fucking know You know, I didn't have a father give me that guidance So when I was at this girl's house, I knew I grew up with we all grew up with this girl We all go to a house and we're at a house and We're watching like Saturday Night Live and there was this girl another girl that came over That went to a Catholic school. We grew up with her

But I hadn't seen her in the world and I was like Holy shit, she looked good. Oh my god. And we had I had no one else. It's like maybe the third day I moved to North Bergen I became friends with her and her brother And the brother I think joined the army and got shot one night He came back home. I'll leave and got shot on the drug deal or something like that But they lived in our neighborhood, but she went to a Catholic school And I was a little fucking savage at the time. I didn't know nothing about nothing I did not have a control like I didn't know anything and she didn't have a bra

And she had like a a shirt on yeah and the tit was popping out And I was like I couldn't take it. What are you gonna do? I couldn't fucking take it. Would you deal? And I just told I said can we meet downstairs? She's like, yeah, but she didn't know she thought we're gonna meet the smoker joint And we went downstairs and I started smoking a joint with her and I told I said, you know I started giving her the typical lie shit. I've always had a crush on you We started making out and I remember I went for a tit like the tit was out I like grabbed the tit, you know, and she let me suck it for a couple minutes and then afterwards she started crying Like she was 13 though. I was 13. Yeah

She put a tip back in the shoes. I can't believe that. You know, I let you do this. I feel terrible And she started crying on that first. I'm like, what are you doing? I got mad for about two minutes But for some reason I saw the little girl in her And that's when I discovered sexual harassment That's my sexual harassment story. Mm-hmm Like just seeing her cry Because she had given me her tit the first time this is the first time she ever Like she just went out to experiment. She ran into a wolf. Yeah

Yeah, like you know what I'm saying? She went out to experiment and you saw the You still had enough innocence. I think to see the sense in her and say yeah This girl is not like rejecting me. She's just scared right now And she's not like saying like it's you're an asshole or foot But it's more like just like I'm in this uncomfortable situation that I you know, didn't know I was getting myself into I didn't know. Yeah, I didn't know was that's a great. I mean, well, look That's a great lesson to get especially and be able to lock into it at 13 She was my friend. You got to remember. Yeah, she wasn't a girl at a bar. So you weren't trying to hurt her

Yeah, you knew you wanted to have like a cool relationship. I thought she was sending me a message every time she bent over And she even had like funnel tits like the tits weren't big developed yet. They would just like fall forward like she was beautiful She was a beautiful girl. She had grown up to be a beautiful fucking girl. You know, like she was 13 I was 13 But that was the first time I saw a girl get upset like that and it bothered me and I knew like right there. I knew that That's it like she didn't say no She just pulled away because she was a catholic fucking girl And she's like my brother's gonna find out, you know, my father like she was just ashamed

She went on to date some fucking tow truck, dude Like you know what he is later who had a filthy dick and shit. Fuck her But yeah, all the story was I learned something you learn. That's great. I really did learn something from her That was weird And I like when I dated that girl in New York in the seventh grade like we used to just dry hump Oh, I try on one time. I sucked her titties and that's it. That made me get left back Like that's how weak I was at that age like that. I got left back From her just dry humping me like I didn't I didn't she told me I want to wait and I would just take it

Yeah, you know, I would take what you can get I was just happy that people were dry hump with me Fuck dude That dog everybody keeps telling me you want to start this gambling podcast. Oh, yeah I'm starting. I'm gonna do a dry run the end of the week. Just practicing. Yeah, here's the deal. Here's why it's not just gambling on To gamble it's gambling Because now that it's legal everywhere It's sort of the like the taboo. So tell me that it's legal. What is it?

So now you can go into it used to just be vegas. You can get a bit better sports book. That's what you when you want to gamble on The emmy's or the hot dog eating contest or a fucking baseball game You can't just go to the otb. You got to go to let you used to have to go just to vegas They had they were the only one with a sports book Then jerseys had the big lawsuit and now they won supreme court because they the the whole thing was you can't have a sports book And a professional sports team. So that's why atlantic city couldn't have a sports book for all those years So now Now that anyone can have a sports book they're everywhere

So you can literally go down to your local sports book and gamble on anything or you can do it online That's another option. So my thing is this it's not just going to be football. It's not just going to be sports Not just be baseball. It's going to be the week of the emmy's. I'm going to have someone come on We're going to talk about the categories. We're going to see the odds and we're going to gamble and bet on that We'll talk about that for the week. We're going to have all these different bets building up So that we're going to have payoffs and have to like, you know, have either it's not going to be monetary bets But like shame bets and things like that. I'm going to bet, you know Baseball yankies red socks say they got a world series game coming up. Whatever. We'll do something like that

So it's going to be all arenas politics sports Anything so it's not Just gambling to gamble on money But I do want to have some experts on because like baseball. I don't know how to bet baseball is a thousand different ways So I want to have one someone to talk about that You know what I'm saying to explain to people how to bet baseball. Yeah, how to bet baseball how to bet, you know What's the how to bet golf when you play golf is all these different games you can play wolf Last man in all these different things you can do so have someone on to talk about the different games you can play like that

What was the last what was the first thing you ever gambled on? For me blackjack For me it was professionally sheets That's the first gamble. What do you mean like football sheets people give you Oh, like the all of it. Yeah, they feel pick the teams had to pick four for four for 10 bucks for a dollar five for five They do like 13. That's the first time I learned and then you had to pick college besides like card games like at the house Like my grandfathers and uncles would play card games and stuff. I didn't like losing I don't like paying

On thursday, so that's what got me. Thank god. Like I'm in a decision If I'm gonna pay a bookie might as well snort coke Yeah, it's my decision early. Yeah In 83 I was like wait a second. I can't gamble and snort coke But I'll tell you what I will do. I won't gamble and snort coke at least I'll get something out of it I didn't like paying a bookie every fucking week I always thought about doing A sports betting podcast and I have a friend a dear friend that that's his expertise

Oh, really getting me on cool. Oh, that's his expertise. I mean they did a segment on them on hbl On real sports 97. That's why I told Justin our agent. Oh, yeah, I go. I should put but Danny lives in Hoboken Well, we can skype he does his own thing. Oh, he does. Yeah, he's tight with the ref Oh, okay The ref did our show early on. Okay, and then he's tight with this other guy that has a sports betting thing out of philly johnny I follow him on twitter. Good guy. Really good guy But I'm in with all those guys. I just for years, you know Donagy for the ref. Yeah, okay Donagy, you know those guys

For years people add, you know, because I do know but I don't know I don't know nobody knows nobody knows. That's why nobody knows That's what I was gonna do. I have like people were like, oh, you should do a fantasy football podcast or whatever And I'm like it the market sort of saturated with that But also like I used to go on those fantasy football expert podcasts and I used to sit down like nobody the ball shaped Fucking crazy. It bounces weird. Nobody knows the ball bounces this way the ball bounces that way. You're right. You're right Who's who's an expert? There's no fucking expert. There's no one knows I mean, there are dudes that do their homework

There are dudes that know who kick well in the fucking weather and which way this is going on But nobody really knows now though now because of the whole gambling thing The nfl one of the leagues is the first one to sign you can bet the bet at the fucking stadium That game probably the Raiders Yeah, so you can now have you can bet at the game on that fucking game that you're at right there So now they have like nfl guys and and and you know, they have gambling guys in these fucking locker rooms I'm just saying before and along There's a reason why all these spreads and all these numbers are so fucking close every single time. They know, yeah every single fucking time

These guys know So Yeah, those guys are experts the guys that could call the lines and stuff like that But as far as like fantasy football and all that bullshit, that's not really but the guys that really make the lines It's like seven or eight dudes that know exactly what the fuck is going on And they trick you but I mean if you're if you're a if you're a casino Think about you got to find someone Ever that's going to lay the odds for your casino to make sure you don't fucking lose money

It's I mean, there's probably seven guys in the world. Yeah, there's seven No, but there's every can do that a couple guys they get they see it coming They fucking trick you they're geniuses. Well, that's the line. That's that's a genius. But remember a wise man once told me I'd sleep sir Was a starting quarterback and he lost Pete Rose was playing the game. Yeah, and he was a loser and so was Michael Jordan Was back the game and he was losing What makes you think?

You could pick a fucking game once I heard that I was like You got me that I think it's you got to have separation. Those guys have too much skin in the game Jordan's too emotional. He doesn't want to lose. He doesn't I think the seven guys that know how to do it They don't give a fuck. It's a math It's a it's either a gut feeling that they just believe their gut And if they're wrong that was a fluke thing or that's some sort of math problem that they go This is what the answer is. I don't give a fuck. Listen. I've been on the receiving side of the hook for years The hook means, you know, the line says seven

When you call your local bookie It's a seven and a half because more people bend the nicks than the other fucking so they move it over Detroit pistons. So they move all this shit. Like I know all about that local stuff I used to do it myself. I used to have my coke dealer. This is the Jenner gambler I had three coke dealers, but one of my coke dealers is the Jenner gambler. So I'd set him up during football season I call him on Fridays and start telling him what to pick And then I call him Sunday and go, I'm really liking this game. I knew it was gonna lose Oh god

And then he would call me Sunday and go, can you get a better now and sit on it? And he would pay me with cocaine that night. I gotta go pick up the money tonight and just take coke from me God damn it. How do you do it? I'd set him up on Thursday With what the Beck? But I knew they were losers and every week I was right. He bet against me or whatever. Oh my god bets I just knew it. That's how I got free coke on Sundays when I hosted the store on Sunday nights. That's how I got free coke That was my Sunday night hook to set him up and shit And I would even call him and go he you got a bookie. He would call me you got a book. Yeah

Let me call you right back I'd set him up wait five minutes. I got like one guy. He said seven and a half But you gotta bet a hundred. I would always keep him low and shit like he would always grab about 500 No, no this guy first time a hundred dollars Just in case you long cut just in case. Yeah. Yeah, but he was the kiss of debt. He couldn't pick the fuck up the mush I see, you know, I just saw so many guys that now If I like something overwhelming and I'm in Vegas, I'll bet it. Mm-hmm But if not, I don't I don't give a fuck. I want to have someone to talk about podcasts

Well, it's funny because bet on pot. Who's gonna have the most hits this week on their podcast Whatever it is like you can have a topic about any it's like doesn't have to be Sports at all. That's why I like it. It's just like people have opinions and they feel like they're like no fuck you I know what I'm talking about. All right. Let's bet on it. You're wrong. You wear a bikini on the podcast next week I'm wrong. I'll grow fucking mustache for a month. Whatever you want to pull like the triply thing spin my mouth Yes, something. I mean that maybe not get that filthy, but yeah, sort of like They're fucking crazy with it with those guys. Yeah, those is he is. Well, you know, Ari and I got a long-standing one It's it's it's almost a year old now

When the whole Louis thing happened. I told Ari That I'm like, that's it. It's gonna be a while before we see him again. This is october of 17 Last year and he goes, uh, he'll be on stage by the end of the year. I go, are you out of your fucking mind? You think he's gonna go on stage? I go, what comedy club is putting him on stage? I go, forget it if you want. I understand. I I would have no problem with him going on stage But what if the waitresses walk out? What if there's a protest out in front of the fucking thing? This is like right when it happened. No, I go, I honestly should be allowed to no fine I go, he'll be on stage. We'll bet on what he's gonna be on stage. So it ends up being by the end of this year

If he doesn't step on stage, we did the bag of bets on the on the podcast So we reach in and the thing we pulled out was we The loser has to act in the three-page gay porno that the winner writes And there could be no no fucking but it's gonna be pretty, you know Terrible and neil brennan's gonna direct it and then we're gonna put it up on So you've got four months for him not to get on stage four months joey. He's been going to the comedy cell No, no, he's been going but he has not gotten on stage He has he has to stay not get on stage

December 31st 2018 And then that's gonna be terrible. I already have three different ideas for the the three-page arc I want already go through on the porno, but none of you nervous. He's gonna get on stage What are you nervous that he's gonna get on stage? Well, I see, you know, you see articles like like adam ebay sends me an article like Because he's my ears on the ground. I go if becky starts telling you like Start clearing I go you got to let me know first because I got to start preparing myself mentally, but So I I have ears on the ground, but so does arry. No one's more embedded in the new york comedy scene than arry So he'll know first but as far as la is concerned

And then I have like people talking to me like Fitzsimmons is like, well, I think he's gonna start in australia. There's a count of I go Yeah, stage, but he's like I think over there. He'll start there because it's a little bit Looser, you know his reputation perhaps over there. It might be a little bit better. So there's a whole like where's it gonna start? So let me ask you a question. Yeah, how would you have handled the loy thing? I think guess what I would have gotten on stage the next night. Well, I would have gotten on stage the next night All I can say is I was not in the same situation. I was in something somewhat. I took me a month I'll tell you something

But I mean the first time you get on the fucking stage and face the horse Is when you're done. Yeah, you have to face the horse now My whole beef with this whole me too thing this whole thing that how we'll wrap this up is When I went to court, I got accused. I got evidence pointed against me and the evidence went against me in today's world you could just Say something and we're done and I don't like that I do not like that power that that see the first time somebody says something I'm got I got a blog up. I got a thousand things coming up. I wouldn't just hide

I would say yeah, this is what I did. But it was also 10 years ago. Does it fucking really matter now? If you don't think I changed in the last 10 years, then you don't know then you didn't change We've all fucking changed the last 20 10 years you changed Of course So for you to hold somebody accountable like that to end this career. It's not fair. It's not fair to a man Especially after this fucking arhento thing This is what I'm talking about a couple months ago. They accused the nerdest you've been around the nerdest Yeah, does he look like he's a fucking animal to you? No, and I know that girl. I know her well

I knew despite a man too with that girl. Oh really? Yeah, she was on the podcast I've had her on the vinyl when she was 14 years old and I when I read that thing. I didn't read that You know why because hell has no scorn Like an angry fucking woman. Okay, and there's a lot of people that walk around mad in this fucking town there's a lot of people who are happy because they Depended on their talent I had a big problem when they only they depended on their talent. Yep If you depend on your talent, then you don't have to do those creepy things

I've done a thousand creepy things in my fucking time But let me tell you something when it comes to stand-up comedy the reason why rogan talks to me is because I don't fuck around This is what we do. This is there's no shortcuts There's no well. He said this there's never been that in my world I know that the answer is getting on the stage and working and writing. That's it But anything else is background music. Well, if you go there and hang out there if you go there If you make out with this broad, I never believed that I never believed that I never bought none of those stories

And that's the fucking problem That a lot of people come here and mistake that shit For work and then guess what you come and go. Yeah You come and go and you have to put yourself through the aggravation to do what Sleep with some guys suck some bad balls I know I look at my balls at night and I go can you imagine making some 25 year old girl Suck these rotten fucking nuts to get the moon. No like after I read about harvey like how look at my dick It looks like a fucking science project

Like you look at my dick. It's got scars and holes in it from Shit, I used to put drugs in my dick that come back clean and shit and drain on my dick It looks like oh my god. I got rashes from fucking Jiu-jitsu and shit down there Can you imagine putting your nut in somebody's mouth and you acting in a movie and like I'll ask them walking around and you got You know, I know and all those people who suck the dick. They're not around anymore. I guarantee it. They're not around Yeah, they're not around. It's it's such a Talent is talent man, and it stands on its own

It really does. Yeah, and all the fucking short cutters. They're gone All the short cutters are gone I tell you all the time. I've seen people come and go I remember going to diners with these people and having a three-hour earbeat On their plans on how they were going to be comedies comics And they just fall apart and none of them were to be funny. It was always like I'll talk to this person Yeah, yeah, I'll talk to this person. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna read this book. I'm gonna go to this club

I'm gonna go to this premiere. Listen funny is funny. You got to work on it. Mm-hmm with that It's always a pleasure to have you on. What's that me your podcast hear me this book Hear me this book and don't forget. He's back on it. You're back on it back on it now every week No problems remember Thursday sold out and fucking tomorrow sold out In Huntsville Saturday sold out or you got tickets up to friday night in Nashville So I'll see you motherfuckers this weekend in Nashville. Where are you at next?

La Jolla comedy store last weekend in september. Oh, shit head into la Jolla Oh, shit, then up to Edmonton the first weekend of october. I'm doing la Jolla in december. Oh, you are I love that I do it once a year now. It's so much. No, you know what? Why not? We'll do you probably store guys wife fuck around. I love it. Thank you for listening guys. Don't forget The church is brought to you by four hymns.com a one-stop shop for hair loss skincare and sexual wellness for men Have you seen more forehead than ever before? Has someone mentioned that you have a bald spot that wasn't there before?

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Delivered right to your house. All right. I want to thank steve run is easy. I want to thank the jew Don't forget nashville friday night. That's all we take as we got left this weekend. That's it. Not that I love you motherfuckers stay black have a great weekend. We'll be back monday morning ready a fucking rock Take this fucking mule Do I am sitting in the morning with the diner on the corner I am waiting at the counter for the man to pour the coffee and he fills it only halfway And before I even argue he is looking at the window at somebody coming in

Do It is always nice to see you says the man behind the counter To the woman who has come in she is shaking her umbrella And I look the other way as they are kissing their hellos and i'm pretending not to see them And instead I pour the milk Did I open up the paper there's a story of actor who had died while he was drinking Was no one I had heard of and i'm turning to the horoscope

Been looking for the funnies when i'm feeling someone watching me and so I raise my head Do There's a woman on the outside looking inside Do she see me no she does not really see me because she sees her own reflection And i'm trying not to notice that she's hinging up her skirt and now she's straightening her stockings Her hair has gotten wet Do Oh this rain it will continue through the morning as i'm listening through the bells of the cathedral

Oh I am thinking of your voice Oh You