Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #612 - Eleanor Kerrigan

Episode Date: August 28, 2018

Eleanor Kerrigan, comedian and co-host of the "The Comedy Store Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.   Onnit.com - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 08/27/2018.
  

Welcome to podcastville the church of what's happening now is brought to you by listen before I even go into this It's August 27th motherfucker. I think on a week and a half. It's the NFL time It's time to make some fucking eaters and I know that you got a system or you have a friend and this and this But by fucking October when he gets ass busted, you're not gonna have a book I'm gonna offer you a book today because ever since I started the podcast people have been asking me for advice I'm fucking terrible, but what teams to bet on but the truth is I don't know what's going in I don't know who's gonna win. I don't know nothing, but I do know one thing. You got to check out my bookie Remember if you're betting it's just important what you who you're betting with

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What Monday August 27th It's a vacation week for some this is what I'm getting warmed up, baby We think you're fucking with joy bananas I Smoke in my reefer Washing my muffler and trying to get my taste on it

Grab your dick cocksuck and it's Monday. You have a long week Forget the vacation forget labor dad. I don't give a fuck about potato salad. It's what you're gonna do today cocksuck is I got Eleanor carrying the Irish woman. I got my man the clip the original price killer This motherfucker is not fucking around today Smoking since he was the blower smoke I'm pretending here we go here we go shake it get up get up shake that ass Put it right there fun for Joey put it right there. Let me let me sniff it one time What's up you bad motherfuckers uncle Joe here for starters

I want to thank you if he came out to either Huntsville, Alabama on Thursday night Well, his ain't he's in Nashville you audiences were fucking sensational I want to give a shout out to the staff my man in the kitchen The bartenders all the sexy waitresses and waiters. I love you motherfuckers out a great time there and I'm coming back Nashville and I want to thank hearty bees for sending us fucking chicken and Lee's chicken from fucking myelin the fucking tremendous black people with no gloves on giving you fried chicken takes me back You understand me to my days in Harlem and fucking the early 70s anyway That's all

Exciting what a motivational Monday my goodness. It's all about dog. If you like Monday, you ain't shit I don't even need my anal beads today. We just do it. No, no, no, let me say great. I got a Monday. It's like 20 to 6 In the morning. Oh, yeah, Monday. I lived to get up at 6 20 to 6 coffee a few fucking tutturuts Get on that fucking computer that people know it's Monday. You got rotten choked that motherfucker. If you want your money Because people walk around a little fucking debt that you know, they walk around a little lost You gotta remind them that this ain't a fucking pinball game. This is life motherfucker. You know feels like a pinball game Listen, I don't give a fuck if you're doing drugs if you're eating opiates, whatever you gotta get up on Monday and hustle That's right. As long as you make a deal with yourself. Listen, I'm gonna work 40, but I'm gonna eat 55 pills. I'm good

I'm gonna work 40, but I'm gonna eat 55 pills. You know I'm saying if I can have some pills, that'd be great There's nothing there's nothing like waking up on a Monday. There's nothing going on, but guess what? Yeah, it's true There's never nothing going on. Let's just read something on Monday Excuse me. We were talking about that. You saw the Leonard Skinner documentary I couldn't believe you saw it. I didn't know what made you what made you watch that I'm just randomly up first of all. I love documentaries, but randomly that one was on and I was like Oh, I've been wanting to see this because I've been seeing the promo for it on Showtime I didn't know anything about it, but I watched like the affair

What's the show as I went like Shameless I'm dying up here is done, but like the affair is still going so I've been seeing the command I'm like, oh, I love Leonard Skinner. I love Leonard and then it was all I was like I caught it right at the beginning I was so happy. It was like one morning. I got up at seven. I must have been channeling you I never get up that early and I botched it Monday mornings I believe that whatever you do any other day of the week Monday is the day. I never get up early Monday sets the tone for the whole week. That's why I'm so against Sunday night show Like for years. I was always against Sunday night shows on the road

I fought hard as a feature act not to work them because I feel that Monday is the day of the spirit It's a day that you're home. I think it's Sunday You like candles you fucking think of the people who died and how they're not around but you're still still are on Monday Monday I get up every morning and think of somebody who's dead right go. What the fuck? What would he give today to get up to go to the gym? Yeah, I'm saying like what would he give today? Like I'm thinking of going to the gym, but not really my right. You know what fuck that Motherfucker was here. He'd be at the fucking gym right now. There you go because that's how he would change life So I draw on that shit, especially on Mondays for the rest of the week. That's amazing

But when you watch that documentary like I've been preaching Leonard's skin it's something about the Oakland show When I watch like I watch I have the Atlantic City shows on tape I've watched tons of their performances online. Okay, and when you watch the when I watched the Leonard's Skinner live from Oakland It the first time I watched it destroyed my insides like I had to shut it down And think about what I was doing wrong with my comedy. This is maybe two or three or four years ago

When I first I discovered that like in a stone stupor where you just keep it Yeah, yeah, you're in a rabbit hole for rabbit hole whatever And I it just took me away and I played it again And I couldn't believe it and I didn't say nothing nobody for a long time And I was starting jujitsu And I was going through this thing comparing jujitsu to the anything. That's an art. Okay. It's all really the same Yeah, whether you paint whether you got on a subway and draw one hand You have to do you know I'm saying like those guys are going on to the subway and they pay with one hand. The train is moving

It takes a special skill to do that, you know, but that just doesn't happen overnight You have to find it You have to get the strength to pull yourself because I can't even pull myself up Never mind go for two miles drawing one right like I want to see mission impossible You know, that's that's a mission right there holding on to a rope The bomb was supposed to go off for 15 minutes two hours. I sat there before the bomb went off I never wanted to kick myself more in the head. How long does 15 minutes take? Tom cruise can make 15 minutes turn into a fucking hour

I'm sitting there going Jesus Christ A rock slips then a fucking thing and then the hand then the glove falls off It was craziness, but I would say spoiler alert, but I don't I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck about spoiler alert. I don't give a fuck about spoiler alert Do you know I'm just even mission impossible go fuck yourself That's it. It's that simple if I went usually gone I want to see the equalizer too and it was the new one. Yeah, it was men's a month I'm still in love with man on fire

Man on fire was great. I can't take anything else. He does equalize the first one. I like but I just see him so I related so much to man on fire. Yeah that it's too much It's like Charles Bronson the mechanic when I saw Charles Bronson the mechanic. I related to that dude Okay, that's what I wanted to be my mother died I did I when I first saw that I was a kid But I always remembered that how he killed people for a living That's an interesting fucking concept He killed people for a living. He got their dossier and medical records. Yeah, and he just shot people for a living

I never thought about it again till you know 10 years later when my mother died, maybe I should rent myself as a hit man because I got no emotions, you know But then when I watched death wish, okay, you know like death wish When you think about death wishing like that, huh? The rape scene In death wish. Oh, yeah Like as a kid like that gave me PTSD like that Taught me what the sexual harassment was Like that's that for as a kid 10 years that movie came out in 72

And you saw it when you were like I'm 42nd street. I didn't check IDs. That's true. If you could breathe into a glass you had the money Yeah, they let you in and in the union city cinema. They let you in so all those movies I saw those movies and I went left down like what the fuck Charles Bronson that rape scene even today bothers the fuck out of me. You know who's in that rape scene I think the first yeah go boom Jeff

My old acting coach. Yeah, one of the rapers. See you're lucky. He didn't rape you in the end. Did you see that? Yeah, he wasn't into me He was sleeping with my other scene partners. Oh, yeah, he fucks everybody His acting class was a sucker dick class that guy was he was teaching women how to act like him and harby That's what harby was doing harby's learning how to suck a dick class Him on the first floor Every gold bloom on that and the other guy the junkie from taxi Oh, uh, he had a fucking acting school. Oh, you're kidding. He was he was at the end. He did anything

I mean, that's all they do every time we do a scene. He'd go. Why isn't this rehearsed? I'm like because you took her to hawaii jerk off How am I supposed to rehearse it when you took my scene partner away? Like he they did it every time. Are you all right, Lee? I'm just I can't imagine I'm trying to imagine harby's dick sucking class I'm going to learn a scene study We're going to see study from last tango in paris and I'm going to play model brand that you're going to suck my dick And do they like does that go because I've heard like a couple years ago

This is not sexual But I heard a casting agent for a major show was running a casting seminar that you had to go to to get on the show So but are people just like having sex with their acting coaches to try to get somewhere or they just Can talk to me anything everybody's having sex with everybody to get somewhere somewhere. Yeah You you want to move up somehow Whatever way you can When I went plus it's a story me and I don't know we're into acting classes. I love that. I don't love acting classes I don't know I used to go to the one on

Santa Monica where you stand up fountain where you stand outside like a mama look at the a with the other kids Every time you see me out there. I would beat the horn go fuck yourself. Don't stand out there in the street I would always the great brian reese. He's still there. Yes, but he don't make him stand on the street no more Yeah, they have to go outside to rehearse those scene and then you come back in and you do it It's a cold reading technique. He's great. I remember it was great and everything when I'm not standing on the street The fucking muck cars are doing 90. I'm out here with some check And you're rehearsing or talking to yourself. Yeah, you're out there. Fuck that shit brutal. So that was your first one. No Uh, yeah, yeah, no playhouse west was the first with jeff goldblum and robert robert

carnigan Now, what was the one that you signed up for where you couldn't audition for three years? d.w. brown and joe baron joe and baron But I never listened they they told you you couldn't take off the rams were in the super bowl I took all I didn't I'm listening to nothing. They say like that. No, that was there were also a front for cosmetology, right? Scientology Joanne baron did like a little time. Oh, yeah, she didn't invite me that piece of shit. Oh, no something over there was kind of I'm not putting out

Sherry shepard. We were all in bo shack. We were all in those classes That's I nobody ever offered us anything. So my first acting class was frank magna Okay, frank magna was if you bring his name up to dice. Dice will look at you like we Frank magna is one of those italians that you can't mention andrew dice play around why he'll He loses his mind like in a good way or a bad way frank magna was like a writer And he wrote something for andrew and he clicked it. I don't know what the story is. I don't know the guy was furious When I went in there, he's like, well, man, because I had to like call him in those days You're gonna call him

Okay, and then I remember that I first went the first place I walked into was on sierra bonita It was a little fucking dingy place small in this you went in there and the guy made you buy the book audition Oh, yeah, I still have I still have that book audition. Sometimes I reread it and he you had to go home and read it and then call him I'm paying 275 hours eight weeks and shit and there was easy monthly payments and I'm like, fuck you And then frank magna wears where toy is Yeah toy tie if you go toy to walk to the corner, you know, you got the guitar sitting on that side You look up and two doors there. It's still there. I don't think his wife passed But like he's still in business. I think he's still in business. Maybe I'll have dice come by with me one time

One day I went in there In those days you had to meet with them And they would interview you and shit like they were legit like they were legitimately trying to steal your money and Totally they would ask you what is your purpose of this mission? And and you would say I want to be an actor and I'm gonna stand up and I never forget when I said stand up He looked at me And he goes, okay, I'll give you a shot, but the first time you mess up you're out of here He goes stand-ups are a little loof. I'm not really a fan of stand-ups becoming actors

Robin Williams kind of pulled Whatever but yeah, doesn't like stand-up acting Because I try to work. You know what we we had it going on. It was good. But the only problem was it was mondays From seven you can't do Monday's Monday's was no Monday's was the hottest night in LA the 97 It was Latino night the last factory sold out headlined by Pablo and fucking poor Jews and those guys Freaky Monday at the at the improv, which was huge Who did freaky Monday? I remember that name, but I wasn't doing stand-up Monday was like fucking

It was it wasn't as big as a black show as they had at the commie store at the time with the with the tories and It wasn't 450. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This one was packed Fat Tuesday your fat Tuesday was the store. Yeah, but Monday if you could get on at the improv Killed you walked out of there with a card because from eight to eight twenty It was josh wolf. We knew the booker So we got in early. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and it was like josh wolf me somebody else in the store and then David tell Pablo somebody big that was white would come in. Yeah and destroy the room and then the black guy will come up

And then they would take over the room. It was booked by gersh at the time Gersh ran it gersh ran it but not really that's the improv was all industry industry at that time So if you walked in there on a Monday, you better bring your a-game You will you would walk out of there with something and the same across talented laugh factory. It was latino night 400 deep Yeah, people hanging off the sides Carlos Mancio going into place would blow up Yeah, it was just it was great. It was a different day and then you went to the comedy store as an open mic So if you could do a triple crown on a Monday, that was like getting your dick sucked

By a guy with ice cubes in his mouth. You know what I'm saying? Like that's what that that's what it was like Lee you're remembering that or I really took that in. I just don't know how I don't want to hear the story behind that But it's funny because I don't know I was sitting behind the sidelines watching all this. Yeah, I was waiting tables back then. This is what's interesting that You're watching the You know like I was talking about James Stevens the third one day Oh, Mooney used to call him James Stevens the third. Oh, yeah, and I was telling the story that one bring him up He but he would get standing away. James was terrific. Absolutely. He was terrific

He was because he was talented And as a stand-up as a school from a traditional stand-up you hate that shit. Yeah, okay? You hate props. You hate all that shit like I'm from traditional stand-up Right. I'm you know saying like I don't want to see a prop. I don't want to see a drink in your hand on stage I don't know like nothing. Yeah, I want you to do straight-up fucking comedy So I remember I was like this is when this is what the frustrations you go through as a comic Like people that sing on stage. I hate it. That's a lot now. And it kills by the way And it kills Lee on the road. I didn't like it so much in Tulsa, Oklahoma

If a guy goes up there and sings songs are the kill I don't listen whatever makes them laugh and whatever makes them feel good Now at this point I understand James Stevens the third Will go up there do a little bit of comedy play the organ and then go into song His voice was brilliant. Yeah, he sang he did great song were the comedic songs and um not Not really but he would get a standing ovation Then I remember Eddie went up there when Eddie Griffin. He's let's keep it going for James Stevens the terror Yeah, they always did it. I don't know if he's he notices just ain't the second star. It's the motherfucking comedy star

People hated it but he did he hated it was a lot and then you had he fights people still hate it But he put props and he did a whole shebang I'm lying to you because I'm telling you because I appreciate the art He fights was a comic that had this big brilliant That at the end it wings would get attached to his back the gospel singer gospel singers and black people singing and clapping And there was 20 people behind them clapping. There was all faces. It was great. It was great. It was great Mitzi had a great eye for that type of bizarre and there was just you you went down there if you had to follow him you go

Fuck he was brilliant. You're done as he's cleaning the stage and you're walking out And he's still pulling his props behind the curtain. You're like, come on buddy. Let me try to Let me get this going. You're done. These are all the experiences, but you saw all this out more I know it. I used to help teeth pull his fucking props in because it was so many Harry basal too. They would fucking run around and flip around on stage. That's right. I brought him Rusty Dolly. I brought him down to the brand. He did I was like, that's 20 years too late, ain't it? What's what's the guy who does the the watermelon

Gallagher did he ever go to the storm? Yeah, I still have my poncho because when I first started He was doing he was doing a show in the main room or something and unfortunately It didn't draw a lot But they gave us ponchos to wait tables and I was like, what about the drinks? If they're going to be like pieces of watermelon and whatever else he's smashing In the drinks and they're like, no, don't worry about it. Just wear your poncho So I still have my Gallagher poncho and it has his name all over it like amazing Jonathan, right? Oh, yeah

The fucking guy that with the with the puppet Both of them. Oh, well both of them both of them. I'm a big fan. The one guy who hates that guy with the puppet If I'm doing because he makes 82 million dollars. Wait, wait, there's one that not Jeff Dunham Andrew doesn't know him There's another one in vegas that got a deal from america's got talent. I think I can't figure his name but every time His billboards are everywhere. We also knew the other guy that had the puppet and yeah Willie Tyler and no, no, he had a dick and people would do lines of coke off the puppets dick and shit like that Otto and george. Otto and george

And I have nothing against this guy, but have you seen the one from america's got talent? He wears like a dragon suit and he has a little chihuahua and I see him on Comedy club calendars like when I go to look if he sells tickets, man, they're gonna take them. They sell tickets It's a business and some comedians get pissed Some comedians like I'm not going back There's a gig to that Yeah, you're like, I'm not going to that club if they support like I'd never forget When that when the when the first reality shows was marina melina and the guy that one was a comic

But he was out of the game already. He lived in portland And his closing joke. He would light his pants on fire And he would say is it me or is it hot in here or something? I swear to god, he would light his pants on fire and say is it me? Is it hot in here something crazy and sometimes his jeans would turn off sometimes they wouldn't So when he went on america's whatever this is 98 or star search 97 It was probably star search or something. No, no, no, where's the start? This is a uh a marriage show that they found out he really wasn't a millionaire

He was a liar He was a realtor that didn't really because he was a realtor in malibu. I remember that show like it was a bunch of girls Who thought he was yeah, like do you want to get a millionaire? Yes? And he went on the road but started selling out So the improvs were booking on my wednesdays and thursdays and they became a millionaire They took a fucking thursday from shimmel show millionaire show millionaire. Oh my god. They took it from shimmel. That's that's disrespect They took like three thursdays from shimmel. Oh, that's severe disrespect. It's my first time working with shimmel. I'm in miami I'm opening up one of his greatest

I'm opening up for this google till the thursday night who lights his pants on fire people chairing a bunch of hot women Bunch of hot women. I'm dying of death. I'd slow death of dicks Okay, because they're there to see him because he's not a bad looking 45 year old And the next thing, you know, I fucking I get up the next morning and I go to the improv and the management is livid I go, what's going on there? Like fucking robert shimmel. He called he cancelled via fax 10 minutes ago Robert shimmel said if you want to fuck with my money I'll fuck with your money and he cancelled

God rest his soul But it's brilliant. It's so weird when You decide to stand up for yourself when you're a comedian Yeah, you have to a lot. I started standing up for myself like in 99 was when I started standing up for myself and going wait a second The same right now. Yeah, just gotta change a little bit. Like you gotta give me an extra 50 bucks or whatever, you know And it's really weird when you watch that documentary we were talking about last night How well it's gonna kept evolving but they kept growing and the music writing kept getting better

But then they did something and this is what defines you as a as a fucking artist They went to the edinberg music festival and they were slated to open up for the stone, right? Which that's how the word became worldwide They didn't get the memo. Like I said, they had that hot hot hot box So they would rehearse that and if you see them in 80s and 77 in oakland They're playing like they're in that box in that box But they don't like they don't see the 18 000 people. Yeah, it's giant They're just and that's what this art is about. Yeah to do a show to put 100% in whether you do a show for eight people

That's right or 18 and when you see that video, we're playing after the show You watch it and you go, wow, I get what they would now and I didn't know about that red hot house I didn't know about that red hot house that hot house or whatever they called this right house Like when they did sweet home alabama, he said I came in one morning and the one guy a little late I started playing opposite him and But the thing that defined them was when they went to edinberg or edinburgo. Where the fuck the music They don't even say it right and they came out and the rule was not to walk on the tongue Yeah, there was a tongue for the rolling stones

That was the rule not to go out on the tongue and he didn't give a fuck He took the guitar playing and walked on the tongue and they said mc jagger was very very angry Right there. They blew the they blew the plate and the stones had nowhere to go If you watch that before oh, yeah, you're like the stones pull their seeds They were up there smoking cigarettes and yeah, he had a bow on because they knew it They had just seen something that was real like those people were like they closed with uh one for the free bird And it was when you close the free bird It's very tough to follow that

That's like joe rogan's and the colesmith bit. Oh my god. Remember you were done. You were done. Don't even just do your best I love how he said free bird builds from like an eight minute song sometimes It would be a 20 15 20 minutes. I'm like, holy shit, but that's like building a bit the same thing But talking about that hot box thing like I learned that from dice He taught me like Whether whether you're in front of 20,000 people or eight people Always give them the show like you're in front of Of you know 20,000 people no matter what I learned on the original well the late nights at the stores

That's what he always has 16 people and you know, that's what it was. I do not believe That I was doing stand up around town for 40 people a night Now I'm a regular at the store and I'm actually going up attend the fucking two for eight people That's what I did last night. My life going Like it's 10 to two and there's eight people and I'm going up on stage and you have a choice to make Yeah, you can go up there with your stupid fucking material that everybody's heard all night long Or just talk to them and see and feel them. Yep. That's exactly Sometimes when you seek a diamond the diamond shows up. I don't know if we're going up there one night

This is 99 I was up there fucking cucked up one night. Oh, I took some How do you do that? I took some chick to the back after I do my sets I get fucked up at the store. Oh, I thought you meant before No, no, no, I thought you meant while you were on stage. I was gonna say that's that's extremely impressive I would always have it in my pocket burn it all in my pocket So as I walked up to that stage, that was a great set to great I would go right to that bathroom Ba ba ba bam

And then I go see the the korean guy that his teeth would come out of his mouth Oh, you mean the huck I give him a tie. I give him a couple lines of coke And his teeth would get stuck his false teeth with Hey, Jody, is that the parking? That cocaine is good. I cannot feel nothing I would give him a couple lines of coke and that means I drank for free the whole night And I would start doing oh my god Oh, yeah, and I give him another line of coke and I'd be doing double jacks coke

Smoking fucking cigarettes. Are you kidding me or what? That's what the story is about jack best. Huck was the man Yeah, I those late nights. I just last night I went on and I was beat to shit because it just came back from Oklahoma I'd done a podcast and I had another set like a little shitty bar or whatever But then I went to the store and it my friends are like, oh, you got two more than you I'm like, all right, whatever and they're like, you're gonna stay. I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna stay I'm not gonna leave they booked me. So I weighed it and I'm telling you it was I would say 18 people phenomenal phenomenal There was people from norway england like there was this girl from norway so funny

She came up to me and she was like you all so funny. I'm like, I didn't know they had black people in norway Oh, no, I used to love people Don't want to go home. Yeah, they stand to hide so they don't want to go home I'll never forget one that I went in and when we're from denmark, and I did a book report idea I fucking died. I'm like shit like that comes out of you. They love it. I love it. I remember one night I was in there. I was coked up and I took a girl to the back room And I said, this is where the bathroom is and she was where's that line of coke and I gave him a line of coke And then I walked outside

Something happened that I walked outside. She said, where you going and she stripped naked And got on that little houdini couch in the main room bathroom The best the best is little that's old school. They put that in there for women to rest She started playing with a pussy in there, right? And I mean shit was coming out of me You know when they're playing real hard, wouldn't you see like a pinata? She had like a busher hair That I sniffed half of it like I gave a little sniff or something I just whacked off in the face and I walked into her limo. She had like a She was part of like a girl's

Night out like that. We get married on saturday. That's amazing. It was amazing But my point of the story that I went home and I'm like that chick had the ugliest pussy in the world On the next night I went on stage and there had to be eight people And I really wanted to try this joke, but that pussy was so ugly I had to talk about it and I'm like that pussy was so ugly It looked like any monster's teddy bear wolfie. I'll never forget that and wolfie really looked like chewy the door guy Oh my god, like shit like that was what came out of you Because it was 1245. Yeah, you're like, I had that joke. I wrote. Yeah, fuck that shit

There's nine people. This is real dick around. Yeah, they're not gonna go for that joke and I'm just gonna get my feelings hurt No matter how bad your dog. Oh, I got this joke. It's gonna kill You try that motherfucker at nine o'clock is at that two o'clock is gonna die Forget that new material start talking to them from the heart. They're fucked up in two How long did it take you guys to figure that out though? Years a long time years years that you're not going anywhere. So can you read an audience now? Like I think I can look up in jujitsu They give you a black belt and for every year you're a black belt every three years

They give you a red stripe and I always tell people honest honest honest to god I'm not as good as my technique is But I know the comedy game so well now 27 years, you know, I started watching dice I rented the halfway house room When I was in the halfway house that only the half. Okay at two rooms that were for rent for new years and nobody was I don't know. I'm gonna have a big party. You couldn't drink. You couldn't do nothing. Yeah So I said fuck it. Let me rent it. I got dice clay's tape. I was not doing stand-up then And I put the tape and new years and me I chated it. I got some chinese food and a pizza

And that's what we did on new years. We couldn't go on and watch dandruff dice clay But before I got on stage I watched Hours of stand-up like what once I watched the movie with Tom what's his name Tom Hanks? Okay. Yeah punch line punch line. Yeah, like that was it That was it my whole mind. Yeah dominated by stand-up I watched as much stand-up and I knew who I liked and who I didn't like and what styles you like That's what before you get on stage. That's what you did. Yeah, you did a same. Yeah

I hung out for a little while you watched these comics and you're like, I like Tom's the girl But then you see him and like there was a lot of times you tell me you went to see a comic and you went to see And one time he was really good, but the next three times he sucked a bag of dicks That's why I started I started learning from lee telling me little things From a fan perspective, right the same way you did you we were talking whatever So now when you get on stage, it's a lot easier. That's what I didn't have. Yeah Like we have to really acknowledge how lucky we are as comics because you had a family when you jumped in I didn't have a comedy family. Yeah, I always tell people that. Yeah, you're a comedy family now. I don't

Once I got to the store Is where I started picking up my family family. Yeah, I mean I picked a few guys up along the road like jerry roca Who I'm gonna have on a few weeks. Oh, isn't he terrific? He's terrific, but I wanted I wanted to tell his I think that The rogan explosion and the comedy explosion is making a lot of young comics very confused It's making young comics not see the work When we were kids when we were kids your mom the teacher used to go. I want to see the work I want to see 55 28 times 18. Come on. Yeah, if you just gave her a number that means you didn't do the work

She wants to see the one over the one the two over the two. Yeah, I don't think that people Really understand the cultures of this business Like you've been doing a how long for now a little over 11 years. Okay, and you were student of the game for how long 12 Okay, so that means obviously 23 of but you've been around it. Yeah, you know the ins and out you saw pitfalls Plus you saw people come And people go you saw stars get made. Yeah and stars But I saw you guys put the work and I saw you put the work and I saw joe rogan put the work and like people

Somebody wrote on my thing. Oh sherry shepherd's a comic now. I'm like, no, no sherry shepherd's been a comic for a long time Like that she was there when I first started at the comedy store. She was one of the hot Comics at the store putting the work in and then she got on the view and got into all that maybe The stand-up subsided for a minute, but she never stopped Like doing it now. She's doing it and somebody was like, oh Really now sherry shepherd's a comic. I'm like, no, she put the work and she was banging out up there when there was sabbages Yeah, because sherry shepherd's got big breasts Yes, she does those comics were going crazy. Oh, yeah sherry shepherd, but she was always a christian, you know

She was I can't I always love it all my heart kim tivar is all those girls. Yeah, those, you know Read the jones. They used to kill read the jones is still doing shows You know, uh, it takes a lot People have no idea how hard it is just to be a comedian Never mind a woman comic and again. I'm not being gender biased or whatever. It's tough. There's a lot of obstacles The road has to be The roughest thing For a woman unless you're self-confident. Yeah

You're it's really hard the road for a woman. I can see how hard it is for a guy I can see how hard it is for a guy with a family But for a woman, you know, I'm just you know, and nobody Ali Wong had a bit about it. Yeah, she doesn't particularly like going on the road You know, she gets picked up at a hotel by somebody she doesn't know and taking back by something She doesn't know and that's just a hotel room. Yeah. Yeah yourself and the hotel knows you're in that hotel room You know, I know I thought of that this weekend You know, I'm half a gangster myself and because I'm always looking for a fight

But in my head I couldn't we were at a little shitty hotel that I booked because Andrew let me do the road managing Which he'll probably never let me do again. Anyway, I booked this shitty hotel and I couldn't figure out how to turn the lights on So I made the guy at the front desk in the middle of nowhere Fort Smith, Arkansas come up in the room and show me and I was like, oh, yeah This is probably how it happens and then I thought I'm looking around for weapons now like why I put that I made this guy come in my room Andrew's three doors down, you know, he's not paying attention He doesn't know what the fuck could happen But then when he left I was like, then we get to the venue and you're talking about women on the road

They were like, I they go, who's the opening act? I go. I am they go. No, no Seriously, and I'm like, what? I'm like, no, I am they go. Oh, we thought you were Andrew's girlfriend I'm like, no, I was 15 years ago. But right now I'm gonna do some jokes and they're like, okay Do you do you need anything? I'm like, what do you mean? Do I need? No, I'm a comic I'll do it up good and then afterwards the guy was like suck at my dick like, oh my god and expect that And I'm like really like, why would you demean? Someone just because she's whatever like he was like, oh, I didn't think you could speak like what year is it for you? I really give I really give Andrew props

On his treatment of you like Amazing Oh my god running from him and then you would see you get into his car like you were on the fence for a while Should I suck his dick should I suck his dick you on the fence? If I was in his car was pleading don't please don't please stop hitting on me. Please stop And then you started dating him and he'll wear you down bro. Just ladies if you're listening He will get it if he wants it and uh, that's who he is And it's funny that he stayed your friend

Yeah, he's my best but he helps me with everything comic and He's guided you and that's what makes us Better comics when I see The viovans and I see the fucking I saw him four years ago. I've been back at the store four years. Mercy's five Mercy's five. So I'm back there five years or something like that. So 2014 four years And I had to get reevaluated, you know, I still remember Ari being a fucking phone guy Oh, yeah, I'm in Duncan running around and arguing with each other And now they're these fucking superstars. Don't you love seeing that though fucking love it. How can you love it?

How can you not love it? And then when dice was going through that divorce, which I didn't believe which is why I wouldn't Accept it when he hit on me. I was like, I know your wife go back to your wife. Stop messing around This is not you. You're not this person Whatever he was really going through a divorce and I didn't believe it and he would come to the store and he would film us Do you remember that like he was making a reality show? And so Ari was the star of it. Steve Wren is easy. Simone Mike black me katie seaberry like anybody Ari's was the best like Ari would he would make him skateboard or

Throw him down a flight of steps fall off his skateboard Beat him up have his kids beat him up. It was constant He's going to start putting those tapes out on youtube because they're old school He was trying to sell them, but it never sold it wound up being our reality show was Dice undisputed on vh1, but all those tapes He's got he changed all the lighting in the comedy store because he was that crazy From going through a divorce that he was like fuck it. I'm just gonna buy speakers. He bought the system He bought the system. He bought the system after he had a fight with poly one time

I don't know if Steve Simone ever tells you this story But we were having a meeting as staff me Simone I think Simone was the manager back then he was begging to get out of it And poly's leading the meeting and he's yelling at us And then dice comes in they get into a huge fight huge fight Screaming at each other and then he walks out in this fucking sam kinnison lookalike walks in the back of the room Steve and I both of us nearly just passed out like what the fuck just happened Did they wake up sam kinnison right now like it was the weirdest thing and he was like

Hey poly i'm just coming in and say hi the sam kinnison lookalike and we were like What the fuck is happening? But that's the day andrew put the speaker system in was when he had the fight with poly In the original room or in the main in the original room Yeah, and rogan did something in the original because those speakers. I think blew the ones andrew bought But andrew took the old ones that had been there for 20 some years 25 years or something like that. He took them And he has them in his house, but they still work. They just weren't good enough

So he he bought them and then rogan bought them eddie griffin used to do Benefits so we could have a roof that was another thing every time eddie would do the main room He's like is this for the roof or can I keep to check what the fuck, you know Yeah, because they kept putting shit on the roof in a place with leak you'd walk into the county store their fucking tire Those holes in the oh orange. Shit orange cones. You gotta walk around If I was a real draw with a slip and it's kind of deal with in those days I never thought about it. There was always every time a rain, bro And she was too cheap bucket. Yeah, she was on my customer's tables

She was too cheap to put a roof on it So like a real real she would send the little mexican kid up there Juan Carlos with a scalpel and that fucking stuff that you just put on there fix a flat or some shit It's derrick. I went up there one day. I'm like, no they need because I know about roots There's no way you can feel it cave. Yeah, it was caving in like Juan Carlos. What did you use? This is a trampoline. Did they finally put a new roof on there? I don't think so. I don't know. Yeah Yeah, they had to because if not it would have been done But it was shit mitzi always made Juan Carlos do it and he would come to her. He goes. Oh the problem is miss mitzi

I'm not in electrician, you know And he'd be like covered because he got burnt trying to fucking electric Trying to put electric days to send me I used to have to go because I took oshax job Oh as a runner. It was it was oshax. It was freddy's job that freddy gave it to oshax Then bob oshax offered it to me and it was two days a week. I think like mondays and fridays And I would have to get her a tongue sandwich From that always cancer or or greenblast greenblats. She was a greenblast for Or I would have to go to hamburg a hamlet and bring her food

I would have to go to the bank chin chin Chin chin and I would have to go to the hardware store Yeah, the one that they charge you 94 hours for a screw ace hard the one on san amonica San amonica and gable. No way. Yes. It's not ace ace is the chain Shit and then and the eye of the real narrow. It's a family. Yeah, probably not anymore now. It's no It's still there and the aisles are real narrow Real fucking small and they got everything you need go get this and this and this for Juan Carlos So I was a runner. Yeah, let me forget one friday. I went

She ever sent you to air one go to air one. Give me some peanuts almonds. No, I never went to air one I went I remember one day I went and they gave me a hundred over on the deposit. Thank god. I counted And I fucking it took the yardstick and then they called me a day later. They're like, was that deposited a hundred over Hey, whatever you gave me I gave to the teller. So they were calling the teller up the teller that had already snowed It was already long gone. You know saying you made a mistake here I ain't no fucking angel, but I ain't no Tommy either. You know I ain't no sticky finger Tommy

But if you put a yardstick over I gotta take it And you always gotta double check because I wouldn't want them to say we gave you nine And there was eight so Joey stole it. So right in front of you. I counted I counted it twice in front of manager. This dumb fuck put an extra yardstick in there. All right. Thank you A day later. He's like man. I know and then I got blamed for the cigarettes Her cigarettes you used to they used to buy cigarettes and put them in the front bar So I used to date carol at the time when I first moved to town Oh, I remember her. Yeah, and carl was just a dirty whore

But carl would just wear cleavage and the tits would be out and Yeah, really pretty girl. Yeah, but carl was just if you didn't know carl like when I first saw carl I know she was a dirty whore Like I was talking to him and right away. She went right forward. She's like, I don't know what to do tonight Like when I met her in michigan, okay, this is the conversation. How you doing? I really like comedians I saw this comedian in jamaica and I really liked him and now I come to comedy shows more often And she's like, uh, I can't go home tonight because my boyfriend's gonna beat me or something like that So I said you just stay in my room. She's like, okay

It was that easy When you do that you just to fuck him tilt the end And I sold her on the double bed. I go there's two beds. Yeah, but by the end I jump over here with pop I'm lonely. You know, did you have double beds? Yeah, there was two beds. This is this is an old like this club had class They put you like uh something sweets Mbc's like before that this was cresswood sweets is on And there was two rooms in the bed And I started messing around with the first night nothing really bad happened

The next day she wanted to arrive for the callum azure. That's gonna cost you Yeah, drop your pants and dry fucking so I drove over with a fucking panties on the whole way Where do you come up with this like Like every eight miles I make a play with a pussy play with your pussy a little bit for uncle joey She would just beat that little bat up on her. She'd have those little dirty feet hanging out the fucking Passing you with uh hilarious hilarious, but I loved her. I loved her. She was good I fell in love with her. Who would play with that pussy in the car while you're smoking reefer? That's true. That's a good friend Yeah, she was a keeper. That's a good girl. So we moved out here

And she would go to the store, you know, you move together. Yeah, we moved from okay I met her in michigan. Yeah, I met her in michigan. She came out the boulder a week later I mean me and her and her brother went camping and I was stabbing her in the tent right next to a brother She's yelling and screaming the poor brother sleeping by himself. She was an animal She had no fucking class. Who fucks with their brother next to you in the tent? I'm over there sticking it to uh Fingering up fingers in her ass. Yeah, she's going, uh, uh, I'm like your brother's next door She's like, you know, I'm gonna give a fuck. What type of family? He's a heavy sleeper. Yeah

What type of family do you have because yeah, I didn't I didn't I was gonna finger maybe like a blowjob real quiet Maybe jerk off into a belly button something like nice and easy But no, she wanted to fucking do it and I'm like your brother's right next to I don't give a fuck And as soon as I just put thank you, uh, I might shut the fuck up Your brother's next door. She didn't give a fuck. That's when you know, you're an animal when you fuck next to your brother I know a lot of girls that did that to my brothers while I was asleep right there They would just have sex right there in front of me I'd be asleep on like my mom like on the couch or something. My brothers would have a girl on the floor

And then I'd see her outside at Dunkin Donuts and I'm like, I know you if I give leave to if I give leave 2000 nanobots and he passes. I'll give you a stab on the couch. You know what I'm saying? That's how to do it Can we keep the cameras on how funny can we just do a thousand How funny is that if you actually wake somebody up and go you were so passed out Don't fuck somebody in front of you. How come that never happens when I'm awake? Yeah, I guarantee I could get that fucked up on animals You you're halfway there. No, I'm really not that trust me like this is agent your eyes aren't even open That well that just kind of happens

I gave him the fucking batch of that urban trees over Fuckin ventura boulevard has got this shit called fucking kill yourself slowly. Oh, it's like 26% It's the Bourdain fucking blend. You know what I'm saying? This reefer is deadly if you don't want to kill it if you want to kill the goat Goblin urban trees to our Uncle Joey saying to tell him to give you the same thing Joey got It's like glue Mendo Sino something. Do you say it was like a super glue? Like a super glue. Yeah, you said it tastes like super glue. Yeah, that's what we sprinkled in and after it He shot some heroin in there and she'll get him all going. Let me ask you a question. Yes. It's part of the toughness you acquired

For comedy growing up with fucking 10 brothers and sisters in the two bedroom in Philadelphia. Definitely You gotta sleep on a couch here in this whole tower room. Is that right? You're like, uh I've lived in a corner with roaches crawling on me. I got a couch tonight. That's a fucking All the cushions are on the couch. Yeah, that's an upgrade that's a fucking upgrade There's no stains. There's no semen stains on the bottom. What was the worst condo you say that the worst condo? Used to be la joya la joya was up there But the one at tempi improv was pretty nasty too. There was roaches everywhere Really? Yeah, it was pretty nasty at the end. Uh, it was a single. It was a single. Yep up the corner

That we used to be pretty nasty I think it just over the years got I remember being panicked like fuck There's roaches in here because you know growing up my mom was like if you see roaches, you know You gotta let me know because they spread they drop eggs and whatever like dirt roaches The anxiety that my mom gave me growing up with dirt roaches Is the same there was a lot in that condo. I was afraid to shower It was a lot. It was everywhere. It was bad That condo was pretty nasty, but that was

About 10 years ago Well, almost 11 years ago because dammer had me come and host For david tell and I was like, yeah, I'll do it and I had a day job at the time And I told the guy oh man, that's terrible stomach flu And I drove to phoenix to do or tempi to do the hosting for dave And then when i'm sitting in the green room a tell comes in and he's like, what are you doing here because he knew me from The comedy store waitin tables and mitzi's assistant, whatever But he goes, do you work here now? And I was like, no, I'm doing stand-up. He's like get the fuck out of you

Like and then I got to host for him and then I was such a big fan of a tell I was giving him a giant intro and he's like, hey, you gotta not I can't follow the intro. You gotta calm down All right. All right, so I'll just give like two things you've done Because I was given like he had a great set 98 Store, you know what I mean? Like my memory was just jogged with like every great Fucking love him He would crush I worked with him so much when I was a feature and he would tell me what you're doing is good because

When I was this level, I was so positive. Yeah, and then he was drinking But he was still positive in comedy like Dude keep doing that or whatever. No, he was always always very Positive and always told you to do what you do And I don't give a fuck if you curse because at that time I was working a lot on the road and I had a problem once a month Yeah, once a month like people a comic complaining. Yeah The what what's the Bob and Ron show? Nobody cried Bob and Tom Bob and Tom. Nobody cried more than that. Oh, yeah

When I would work in front of him nobody nobody canceled me more than those guys and back in the day 98 99 when they were all big shots Yeah, Bob and Tom dudes 99 2000 2001 I still remember the longest yard and they wouldn't put me on Wow, because it's like a dude from Omni pop that left Omni pop years ago They both hated me because they were booking head features as headliners in bee rooms. Yeah, and I was at the store Following Mooney every night. I would go into a long killers. Yeah, I would go into those rooms on the road and fucking level them I still remember being in michigan and Grand Rapids, Michigan

And when I got off the guy came up to me. He's like, how you doing? My name is john yoda. That was spectacular He goes it was funny because the feature the headliner was at the bar Drinking and he goes I went and got the headline and go. Do you know what you have to follow? Like at that time yeah 99 Are you paying attention because at that time I was already a regular I had showcased for missy And what had happened was I went into the store I went into the improv on the freaking Monday. Mm-hmm. And I thought I was hot shit I really really honest to God. I'll tell everybody I thought I was hot shit. Yeah, I was doing comedy eight and a half years

I was rolling in two rooms I had a taco bell commercial and I had a pilot Okay, I had made a little money, but now I was still a fucking junkie The only guy that didn't like me was jayme masada, but mitz he liked me and richard cooper Who is the booker at the he was a fucking buta doots? So the first time he saw me doing cocaine jokes. He came right down. Oh, he's like do calling for spots So I was a regular at the improv and at the store within a month when I got here That's amazing. So within six months

You know, I am like it takes you about nine feathers. They're full yet It takes you about nine months to get the rhythm at the store. You bomb a lot a lot You really start like wait a second mitz he passed me. But now me and dex. I just came from a restaurant. I'd leveled At the store. So now you have to learn how to work the store. Yeah, it takes you about nine months to adjust the followings The bumps. Yeah. Yeah. It takes you nine months for you ego to check Yeah, and then your ego could go one way or your ego could go the other way My ego decided to go the one way. Okay, and I got and I had I got a spot a freaking monday somewhere where I shouldn't have been okay

And at that time I would stay at the store and snorkeling till two And I would just park the car and wait till four and then I would drive to ivar and there was a company on ivar between hollywood boulevard and Franklin whatever that street is That sold screws nuts and bolts on the phone So I oh, that's what you would do. I would have to be there before To call the contract coons coons hardware the coons. No, no, but this coons hardware was i'm sorry. This was a different company

I know but it just came in there I did that for a while And then that guy I used to send my avails through there. That's when everything was a fax and everybody wanted your avails Yeah, so I would send out 20 avails monday 20 avails tuesday the different club My name is joey dears. I'm a semi page. I'm a regular at the store I've been in the pilot bronx county on cbs and I also got the taco bell commercial dog I love to play your club as a feature act Contacting me and I give my pager number and I'd write my calendar out

I put the calendar out for like the year the whole year and I just make updates Which is bad in hindsight because all in those days. They couldn't really go to a website Right and see if you were at that club, right? So I would make sure that that guy didn't know that guy I would pray to god that you don't know elinor. Yeah, and I would go on a feature for elinor And I would tell you that you follow me Or I would call you and go. Hey, man. I'm gonna do a elinor's room in Grand Rapids, michigan. Do you mind if I stop and each time I mean and do a guess

Yeah, I would guess that I was hustling. That's how you hustle Yeah, I get paid 75 from you. I take that 75 and I stay an extra night Yep, and I go do a guess out of the club and now you got you booked a club and you booked another club Where were you working at europe? I was at the Toledo funny boom. What did you do the mc? I'm gonna feature you bam just because you stayed an extra night and drove three hours It's really weird how the system worked But I would sell those screws and then one of the guys quit and he took me with him to sell investments In chewy's building

And vine there was there's that building there Up on the 11th floor right by the newsstand these fucking idiots had like this cartoon they were trying to sell But they were already Selling the guitar for the cartoon player It was just too much and they were trying to get those investments where if you lose your money you lose it Oh, okay, what's it called? There's a certain name for that people actually leave money out to lose money. It's a write-off But they were looking for $50,000. Oh, Jesus. Oh, yeah, each call was $50,000 But they paid me 15 an hour

So I didn't give a fuck if I sold one they gave me 20 percent Which you know nobody nobody saw So you were cold calling an investment in a tv show. Yeah for a tv network pilot to get investors for this movie That's a fucked up phone. Oh, yeah, it was the guy that ran the office was on knots landing He was like a regular on knots landing. It was canceled like 10 years at this point That's amazing, but it's so weird like this is what I did I had a day job And at night I did spots and in the day I had a day job and not at the spots and same we all did that

It's so weird like we all worked the store at one point because you never really make money in the beginning Like you're saying that's $75, but then you had to spend that $75 to stay the extra night So you go home with a nickel and you're like, I'll fucking but it doesn't matter because I got a weaker work from him A weaker work from him. So I made an investment in myself That's what that's this whole thing when you're an artist is all about investments. Absolutely It's investing in yourself and how much you want to invest into some if you invest 50 percent of something You're gonna get 50 payback even less. Yeah 40 percent If you invest 110 percent, you'll get back to 10

If you really invest in the right different opportunities, which tony better that got second. Oh shit We're already at tony I want to be around To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart As I I

Somebody Will swear to be true as you used to do with me Who'll leave you to learn I want to take this chance really fast to just say i'm really proud of dean del re Hopefully this podcast will come out by the time This show comes on or you good guys could go back and watch it dean del rey That's done this podcast 20 times with me Is on colando brian tonight? He was he sent the tape in and they fucking did it, you know

And he really wanted the tonight show But he sent the tape and and there's a guy that you see a second before we started the podcast I was talking about the next lineup of stars like now that i've been here a long time I could see it. I can see the people who put the work in and see it. So I see you up there Theo is a different comic than he was two years ago. He started sell tickets You know fucking uh, who else are we talking about who's right there sam trippley is knocking on the door He's gonna end up getting something quirky on some network about fucking port urecan's bro. How about when the drummer Jesus trejo Jesus trail, I think I never last so hard

Watching that documentary last night when the drummer said he hit he did a hit of acid And he was sitting next to the guitar player And all of a sudden the monkey came rolling skating in and sat next to them And the monkey grabbed the bottle of jack dangles and started drinking the jack dangles and the guy's like here. I am Tripping my ass off on acid going. I got a hold on here I'm sitting with a monkey who just roller skated in here and he's drinking a bottle of jack dangles Unbelievable listen that shit only happens when you do the acid to the universe throws you something For the commitment to take a fucking chance. Yeah, we're doing acid this week

Hey, where are you going? Where are you gonna do acid? I'll do acid with you. I've never done I've never smoked weed. So we're gonna do it here. We're gonna do it. Oh, you don't go out of this place So we'll stay here and then I'll take him to my house and then we'll sometimes aria'll put people in the wilderness and ship Yeah, that's what he wants to do to me and Simone That's what li needs li needs a good trip by himself to really become I'll do what they were doing me you and tell li how they were writing music in the house They were waking up at 7 30 in the morning and one of them will go out to the fucking field And they would tip all the cow patties and get to the psilocybin mushrooms

And then fucking bring them into the house And cook make a tea and he goes that they will start drinking the tea and from time to time They would start tripping and shit like that. And that's how they wrote all the li i'm telling you You gotta keep it for the next level If you're gonna be a comic you gotta remove The safety that it's over. Yeah, I've done it before. You're not lisa. You're not lisa at the human being no more You're lisa at the comedian. No, that's how you really have to look at it. It's true You know, you gave up a lot. You could have said, you know what i'm quitting the store

I'm gonna marry the first guy that comes along right have a kid to spit this out How old were you when you decided to get in the comic? Uh 34. Yeah, like me 20 38. Yeah, way too fucking late way too fucking late So you have all this you have all this catching up to do look at dean. Yeah dean two deans started late Hustling but it's it's a matter of hustle. It's a matter of you know When he told me he was giving up his apartment to live like a nomad. He sold everything he owned. Yeah, that's That's what you gotta do. Yeah, that's what the universe wants to do. I'm close to doing that I'm just because I just want out. I just want to work. I just yeah

There's comes a point where you're like, you know what? I'm not stopping. Yeah, I don't have no kids I've no boyfriend. Yeah, I might as well get up You know put the money in the bank and go on the road and keep doing this and then come here for little batches Three four weeks just to keep alive. Yeah, can I air get something going? Yeah, who gives a fuck people rent out airbnb's now for three weeks So fucking time. Yeah. Yeah, it's a different world out there. You know, but look at dean I mean, I'm just in New York. He's been he's just traveling going everywhere Jumping on the road with people. It's the best, you know, it's uh, he called me last week and he goes, listen I can't do Boston with you. I feel really bad unless you could let me do it. I go listen. I can't hire somebody for one night

Oh, yeah, no somebody for two weeks. So I go do the forum with Bill yeah, that's amazing. My blessing. Are you kidding me? I mean you're doing the la form, you know, he's just and he's Like right now. He's soaking it up Like this is called soaking it up. He might go to the forum and eat a bag of dicks Doesn't matter. He's gonna be stronger than that. Let's say he goes out then destroys He's gonna keep getting stronger and that's the momentum and that's what I think that I think the podcast has Has let people forget that. Yeah, you know, it's when people go. Oh my god. I didn't know you were spider-man 4

Yeah, and that was 2003. I know it one line. I auditioned for that. I was wrestler 14 fucking years ago How about you calling? Sharipa to tell them that me and dama rara are gonna audition for the Sopranos and I get fired Because Sharipa went to the producers and never wanted to tell you that I never wanted to tell you cool culture Wait, say it again. Tell me what I'm doing spider-man 2. Okay. I got 14 days on spider-man 2 I don't know nothing when they hired me. They go. You got one day july 31st 2003 I got a call in june. They go into wardrobe. Okay, and when I said, okay, see july 31st. So like We'll see you next week

Okay, and I went in there and they kept going you're not shooting today come back tomorrow You're not shooting today come back tomorrow. You know what come back next tuesday. Oh, you're not shooting today And then the guy would say you're too big So one of those days I got a call from georgian walking And she goes joey. You got a spot in the Sopranos Big pussy is going to give you Uh, it's two to four episodes depending on how much they like you. Okay, go put it on tape and send it to me So I said do me a favor georgian. My wife is at work

And i'm at sony. Can you fax it to the economy store? I called the store. I got permission They said fax it over. I got the net line And the guy goes he'll leave it downstairs for me. I think it was Duncan. It was a town coordinator 2000 maybe two or three. Okay Next thing, you know, I go to the fucking Store And I see you and you go, I don't know if you know this your sides are inside for the Sopranos. I'm so excited you and dom are auditioning And I go, I don't remember this. Yeah, and I go, okay

The next thing I go home. I take the sides. I put the sides on tape. It's like a wednesday I guess that day by mistake. You didn't know You called Sharipa just to give my heads up that me and dom were auditioning He was already on he was already on Whatever baklava. Yeah, okay and Sharipa went to the producers because Sharipa didn't like me Why because in 97 see when 97 joe started taking me on the road

And they took me to vegas and Sharipa said when I left Sharipa said I made a button for Sharipa didn't like me From the beginning. Okay, like I called joe and joe goes you want to open for me in the dirty show? I go, yeah, he gave me a direct line to call Sharipa Bro, I called steve steve. How you doing now? I know a lot of his friends. Yeah that was said to me Do you know Sharipa? He's gonna love you. Yeah, so when I called stripping like how you doing man? Nice to meet you. He's like, who's this? I got joe ideas. I was told to call you He goes, let's cut the shit It's 200. It's uh, it was like 200 for two shows. Yeah, he could be pretty direct

I'm like in vegas 200 for two shows There's no fucking airfare and we give you a card for the employee cafeteria I get off the phone when i'm rogan calls. He's like, what'd you say to that guy? He's really pissed off So we check into fucking vegas And the vip and he calls rogan again and says, you know Tell that dude to come to my office. I go downstairs and they're like just being weird to me He gives me like the card and he gives me employee dining And then midnight comes and we go upstairs the place is sold out and

Playboys that playboys gonna do a show about dirty show at night with comics. They're looking at dirt different comics late night Right, so I walk in You know Listen, I just to let people know what it feels like You know, and I know lee feels this at times when I walk in somewhere with lee. They don't even look at lee Like so I walked in with rogan and the guy took rogan and he goes come here. I want to introduce you to the playboy people And there I am standing like a mook with the hives. Oh, that's so mean. I felt like a guy with the hiv You know what i'm saying? Like i'm just standing there. So I went and got a table

And sat got like a soda and he came over and like you can't sit there You know, and it was just one of those things. So he had a like just but guess what? I fucking went up there and from the anger And from how you treated me I fucking destroyed that room for 15 minutes. I mean, I'm surprised the roof didn't fly off it. Good Like I said, I was a comedy store guy. I kept no hang of it And I knew what I was doing And rogan went up there and rogan lost him at like the eight minute mark somebody yelled. Where's phil harman?

Oh, it's fucked up and that was the beginning of the end But the funny thing was the next day I got to call in the hotel room Danny Robinson He's not even my agent. Okay, and he goes dawg the playboy people going back to see you tonight That's great. So sherpa kind of got pissed off You follow me. It was like the weirdest thing. It was the weirdest thing and like I always tell people because I know he could be a Hard ass. Yeah, but he was always good. Not everybody's not like everybody in this life. Not everybody's not like everybody Yeah, and sometimes it happens in you go, you know what that guy's in a powerful position

And him and dom are real tight. Yeah, I'm not but at the time dom didn't like me He didn't like you. Yeah me and dom weren't getting along either Okay, you know so at the time like I was hanging out with rogan and rogan was explaining to these guys He's a cool guy But every time I get off the stage dom would always go. It's nice to see that you're right again and turn his face on me Well, that's fucked up. Yeah, I mean I was getting tortured these days. Yeah You know why I didn't give a fuck And then I was going to the italian auditions. So now they started hating me. Oh, yeah

I'm never forget going to the what was that you get mad at that shit like even with andrew though Like you know, he's a jew. All right, man. He says it on stage you idiot What was the guy that used to hang up there that had muscles? And he said he was a karate guy and he used to take your finger. Very Very treachery Like I don't know if they're going in for women versus men And they're all there the whole guido crew is there. So bestest along's brother Frank. Oh, yeah, they're all there

And I walk in as I'm as I'm signing my name. They're all like, oh here comes the cuban kids Let's all go home. Here comes the fake italian and I would sit there and take the abuse and I would go You know what? I'm gonna book this motherfucker now out of respect And I'll never forget that veni was an analyzed this He's the guy that you know throughout the window. Yes. So he's sitting there going I got this with chairs Like I don't even know why you guys are here He goes I'm friends with chairs Oh, that's funny and I went in there and just knocked them off their chair in the next day when they called me I'm like

I wonder who's the other Italian guy Because there's two of us that yeah, I don't know me and some other guy throw a guy into the ocean That was it. That was the scene. Get out of the car. Are we taking him out of a trunk? Yeah, I vaguely remember that. Yes. Yes And I I got that and they were fucking furious. I Well, see everybody's so sensitive about that shit like I I don't get bad if somebody gets booked as an Irish person But the fucking when I got the longest yard how many Italians know what main one wrote in who I'll tell you after the show Oh my god

I just got I just got hit up from one of his buddies So he wants to be on my podcast, of course if I wanted to be on his yeah I cornered him once and I said to him I saw the letter you wrote Adam Salem And he starts he started started really shit And I wasn't even violent. I just go I know I'm not mad at you but Jesus Christ really Like you should be ashamed of yourself. I've never told nobody just to let you know He was pale Because that's the way people are in this town

They're very but I would go to those auditions and look at their glares and all that shit And it would make me want to go in there and knock them out of the fucking play really Oh now watch my mother fucking smoke Well, you kill it. I'm I'm tear I feel terrible if I called Sharip and blew that for you because you would have been perfect on The sopranos I've been rewatching the sopranos right now like while fall asleep. I'm like I put the sopranos on That's my shit. It's the brother remember when the one Phil comes in to get the car fixed And pussies brother comes out wiping his eyes

Oh, yeah, I wasn't around when your brother with all that stuff happened with your brother. What happened? He goes, it's a long story. We don't like to talk about it. Yeah, so I still remember those lines It's a long story. We don't want to talk about it And Sharip is not even in that scene like it was so funny because you know what time? Georgine called me to fire me At 2 20 in the morning, los angeles time. Why she called she called me at 5 30 in the morning New york time to fire me to go that you Violate the breach of confidentiality agreement. I never knew I had a breach confidentiality agreement

She goes once you auditioned those days. They were really tough on you like you had to go Like sopranos was real deep. Yeah, spider-man two would have lines on it. So they were decoded So you couldn't steal the sheets. Yeah, a lot of people but to talk about an audition That that mean that's that's weird. Yeah, like you can't it's a it's it's sometimes it's very There's places where you go in and you better check what you write sign Yeah, because like now today when you book something They give you an extra sheet that you have to sign And then I want you fucking run on twitter look it. I get it. Yeah, but if you're just going in to read for it

That's a whole nother that doesn't make sense. Oh, no, no if you like if you go to nicoloni and now you gotta do a background check And they hired me. So the background system ain't that fucking good. You know what I'm saying? It's very light only goes back six months I got three episodes. I'll clean up some shit. I'm gonna forget signing the background search release And just going what am I gonna do like what do I do? Do I go home? And I go no, I'm gonna go in there and fuck their world up Yeah, and I went in there and fucked their world up and I go I'm not gonna get it because the computer's gonna come back kidnapping and drugs or And the next day I told the director. I don't kind of talk to the president

You know how bad my record is that you you molest kids? No, you're good That's true. That was it. They just want no molestation. No fucking sexual shit And you're good any sex stuff. I got no sex stuff on my creepy fucking record I got a couple thefts a couple fucking robberies No big deal a couple possessions which aren't really mine I never got coke really In fact, there's one possession that you were charged for yeah, I got there's an arrest that I was doing time in colorado There's an arrest. I got in Fort Lee, New Jersey. That was in colorado doing time

Yeah, I just haven't bothered to take it off because what's the use what you're gonna do? What's gonna what's gonna make me a better individual if I take off a fucking coke possession? I don't give a fuck at least, you know, and they asked me your character. Oh, yeah That fucking thing is dominant possession of stolen tools Possession of uh stools to fucking rob things. Yeah, I love it larceny. I got charged with larceny a couple times. That's tremendous I don't even know what it means. I just like it You go to court. You got charged with larceny. I like Fuck it. I like it

It's funny because right now you're in this weird cusp And everybody who is about to hit it always gets into a weird cusp and you accept it Like what I was doing like there was weeks. I was headlining For nice money and then a week later. I'd be fucking emceeing for Joe Rogan. That's how you do it, man The back of my mind. I know I'm just getting better. Yeah, and I'm getting exposed a feature for dice last weekend I'll go home to Philly to you know I'm going home for a little bit for taking a couple days off Go get some water ice at italianos like a person and then I'll go and headline the park's casino out there

And you're there when uh september 5th, but I'm there september 14th. Oh, you're doing the big room now I'm doing the big one. I'm doing downstairs. You gotta start somewhere. Hey, man. I love this your headlining in your backyard How'd they get to you before helium? Well, I do helium, but I feature at helium with you. I've done it with dom. I've done it with a bunch of people But they never booked me Again, like they changed hands or something. I don't know the girl that used to book it She moved on to somewhere else because I headlined the ashfield comedy festival Last two years ago and that a different girl that I met from helium came

So I was like, oh and I gave her all my info and they never They never reached out. I've reached out. They've never responded. Yeah, you're on that cusp. That's it. That's okay Yeah, you pick a momentum, you know, I was like I said, I was really proud of you when I saw you on the marron podcast Oh, that was great. Look at my girl Yeah, he was fun. That was fun and we because he's on glow So we talked a lot of wrestling shit, you know, and he I introduced him to my guy because the guy who does well Or did well, whatever. He still doesn't I shouldn't say did it Uh, the guy who does well, he started glow, but he sold the rights

So he's not affiliated with that show. It's just it kind of a Yes at the forum at the forum. I played the forum dean del ray. You're gonna kill it brother And then we went to see you. What else did I go see that we used to go watch shui perform Chewie was the best at the house of blues. I remember I was always the forum was talking about a few weeks ago The podcast going you just thought he could park cars. You saw him play the fucking guitar Hey Fucking tremendous He killed it

But yeah, the the wrestling so now I do commentary for wow women of wrestling and at the belasco They do live shows they're going to do a live one the 10th and 11th of october And I'll be doing commentary on the side. Look at you hitting it from more lower. That's what you're supposed to do Yeah, that's where we're at man. I'm happy you came on today. Thank you so much for having me come on and talk some shit It's a vacation week, but I don't give a fuck. I go to philly tomorrow. I'm good today Really? Yeah tomorrow morning and what do you do when you get to philly? What's the first thing the first day I go to my mom's stay my little sister will pick me up at the airport Go to my mom's I'll go get a hoagie or something

Probably just get lunch meat bring it home Then we go to italiano's get water ice then I start to you know Blow get sick a little bit Then I come down just hang with my family because nobody left my mom's still in the same row home We grew up in my brothers are up the street around the corner Edie's around the corner We might go to ohio to see my nephew. We'll see what happens. Good for you. I'm very very I need more material So I gotta hang out with my crazy ass family

They're out of their minds this week. I'm taking the week off just all right I never take a week off, but I take a week off. I will because I want I really want to go on I'm gonna take at least five days to go to sam's room. Yeah, but you know what? I gotta force myself to do this to really be in love with like a two weeks next We have to laugh the ice house on saturday. That's great. That'll warm me up philly Oh, yeah, I'm excited for you philly. I'm gonna tell everybody and the 15th. I'm at the 930 club in dc So it's perfect. Like I'll just take this week off right. I need one more Something to get that set really going. It's gonna be killer. It's a nice

Who's opening Simone? In philly. I have matt full-tron. Oh, I love matt full-tron. We worked together at governors. He worked with me matt's matt's like You know, he lives in new york. He's terrific. He's terrific. He's great to be around I got nervous He asked could he feature for me because I was headlining at governors and I'm like fuck full-tron's great And he was he was great, but it was a fun like hard follow You know what he mean? Like I was like, okay, he killed and and this is great But we worked together. It was great. I love that full-tron. It's amazing. But when I shot that netflix thing like

That wasn't even me. Like it was a different person like of what i'm doing on the road now. Like I'm really happy that I didn't crack a couple months ago. I'm really happy that Sometimes you go through phases in all levels At the 20 mark at the four-year mark at the two-year mark. It's a roller coaster. It's a roller coaster I had a call pheo yesterday when I arrived You know and just to see because pheo Is always taking care of himself in weird ways

I don't want to call pheo and see if I need to do the same thing or whatever because It gets too real sometimes. Yeah, you gotta tame it down And I know for you sometimes you've been there where one week you're at a fucking bar in la joya And the next week you're at a fucking tremendous club with andrew. Yeah, and you have to like test, you know Pinch your finger and kiss yourself and save yourself. Am I really fucking the other this guy or what? So, yeah, uh, go out and see elinor september 5th at parks casino. What time is the show philly eight o'clock? Oh, shit my philly girl, and then i'll be there. All right, and then i'll be there We lay at the parks casino on a on a fucking friday night the 14th and then saturday

September 15th I'm at the nine mother fucking 30 club and that's it and that's that before you leave I just want to tell you one thing it's football season And everybody's looking to make a little money and uncle joey's gonna help you make a little money if you're smart You can't be a fucking degenerate. You gotta remove has to be calculated Like I said since I started this podcast people have always asked for advice But when it comes to gambling, I can't I can't pick a team to fucking, you know But the truth is I don't know who's gonna win

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You think they're gonna fucking give you the money back without a bite missing from the egg roll They fucking cover that up and sell it to somebody else. That's just the way it works You really need an egg roll that's short. That's because somebody bit down And they just redone it up and listen you're fucking uncircumcised dick anyway Go to honor right on it dot com right now and press in church and get 10% off deliver right to your motherfucking house Eleanor, I love you. I hope you do great. Thank you. Thank you for sticking with it Thank you for being an animal and thank you for believing in yourself. Thank you for teaching me everything I didn't teach you dick. Yeah, watch yourself and shit that egg roll taught me everything

This egg roll is a mother fucker. You know I'm saying the human egg rolls are savage It's got a bite out of it. You got to do something. I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday morning ready to rock tick tock We got a couple fucking periscopes. I'll keep you fucking posted. I love you guys. Have a great fucking Monday Have a great week. We'll check in with you again. Stay black kick that fucking mulee I know what you want. Let your mind see one, see two, workplace, know what you're doing They want to move it up. I'm sure one of the things I do to you, but I'm not so I can't get no more Get right to sugar The day I know that you're a human I can't get

Useful and trying. It's so good. It keeps my lips sugar No, not just so right now. Just a little bit more baby They love my name. All I gotta say is If I push you, girl, the things I do to you I make it call. I might remind us who it was to you If I push you, girl, the things I do to you But I'm not so I can't get no more Get right to sugar

The day I know that you're a human I make it call. I might remind us who it was to you If I push you, girl, the things I do to you But I'm not so I can't get no more Get right to sugar Wow I'm not so I can't get no more Get right to sugar I'm not so I can't get no more

Get right to sugar The day I know that you're a human I make it call I might remind us who it was to you If I push you, girl, the things I do to you But I'm not so I can't get no more Get right to sugar The day I know that you're a human I make it call I might remind us who it was to you

If I push you, girl, the things I do to you But I'm not so I can't get no more Get right to sugar The day I know that you're a human I make it call I might remind us who it was to you If I push you, girl, the things I do to you But I'm not