Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #614 - Joey Diaz' first 10 years in comedy - Part 1 (1989-1994)

Episode Date: September 3, 2018

Joey Diaz takes us through the most important moments in the first 10 years of his comedy career. The story begins in 1989: Joey was fresh out of prison and living in a halfway house. From there he takes us on a journey through both the good and bad choices that he made, and how they impacted his life.  This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.   Onnit.com - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 09/02/2018.


Greetings from podcast bill the church of what's happening now was brought to you by on it Listen, everybody's trying to get healthy. It's Labor Day. It's a whole new set of fucking rules You got four months till Christmas. You got the Yamaha bill around the corner. What else is coming, right? That's next fucking Wednesday already. Yeah, Rosh Hashan Rosh Hashan the party start motherfuckers. So that's it Bikini season is over. It's time to get your life together new 2019's around the corner and what a better way to start with on it some honored supplements You want to get your head together with some alpha brain some shroom tech sports some shroom tech immune?

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Dollar for dollar use promo code church CH you are CH to activate the offer right now. No fucking around you could be betting tomorrow by tomorrow You could be making fucking G this don't forget to use promo code church when you're creating your account to claim up to a $1,000 in free play again my bookie you play you win you get paid. Take this fucking muley Fuckin Labor Day cocksuckers it's here Uncle Joey takes the day off never with savages, isn't we pick it up? The fourth quarter It's over first you got Rajesh on them

Then you got trick-or-treaters, then you're eating turkey with a bunch of fucking mutts and next thing you know you're exchanging gifts And then you're making resolutions, you're never gonna fucking do that changes today What's happening now the flying Jew aka Christ killer uncle Joey Here you go What are you fucking nuts break out the heroin where's that cheapa truly? You haven't Generals gathered in their masses Just like witches at black masses

Just because it's a holiday don't mean you got the day off cocksuckers plot destruction You're in the game put the uniform on Death's construction In the fields of bodies burning As the war machine keeps turning Then hatred to mankind Boys named their brain wash my brain washed you cocksuckers. Here we go Oh

Shit Uncle Joey here Monday morning ready to rock and roll happy Labor Day to you motherfuckers. I Hope you had a great weekend the whole fucking deal you had your potato salad the whole thing But now it's time to get back and roll up the sleeves It's the last fucking chapter of the year. You got to go to work now cocksuckers. No fucking around. How was your weekend Lee? Oh, it was great tremendous. You're looking good as usual. Try you got the kid rock shirt on your fucking smoke And anyway sugar night shirt should night shirt kid rock who the fuck knows so who gives a fuck Anyway, something happened last week that stared people up online, you know, I

Didn't give a fuck about it. I could give a fuck less but people asked me so how to tell them That was that Louis C. K. Got back on stage, you know, like the people went nuts. It was too soon It wasn't too soon, you know, first of all You know what a second chance is a Second chance is your move It's basically your move a Second chance when somebody gives you a second chance and society gives you a second chance When the universe gives you a second chance, it's basically your fucking move

So you decide When you're ready To save face or whatever the fuck it is that you're trying to do But it's so weird that we're living in this world that you are guilty by internet now Like you're guilty just by going on the internet now We never had this before Like somebody accuses you of something You look bad and then two weeks later she's getting accused of raping somebody

like it's so fucking weird but In the case of louis i'ma stand up, you know, we all make mistakes. Whatever the fuck it is You know, I know that it's not like he took somebody and killed somebody's dog. It's not like he You know raped a woman. It's nothing like that. He took his dick out. He jerked off whatever the two were in the room I don't know. I don't know the whole story. I didn't even fucking know most of it, you know But the whole thing is when p one is too soon for a second chance Would you go see louis? Would you pay to go see louis? I don't fucking know

Me, I don't know But if he pops in what do I do slam my beard down and walk the fuck out of there like an asshole that I am At least I give somebody a benefit of doubt But this is the first time in my 55 years That I've seen people there's people that are out of work that are gonna be done because of accusations Done done done Whether the accusation really Uh is factual or it's not or you took it one way or because there's two sides to every story

Then there's the truth if you don't anything about life. That's what life is. There's two sides to every story Then there's the fucking truth Well, how how is this different in your mind from like the michael vick thing a few years ago? Because there were people protesting him Even years later when he was on like his third or fourth team I Forgiveness is when somebody steps out. Listen when something happens you go inside your house and you fucking think about what happened and you You go to therapy or whatever the fuck you you do to make yourself feel better

And at one point you can't stay in your house anymore You have to come out You can't stay in this mental prison sort of speaking There's two types of prisons There's the prisons where they put you in Then there's the prison that you put yourself in that's called the mental prison You know when I got out of Being locked up for example

If I would go to a supermarket if I went to Whole Foods and Kishi looked at me two times In my mind Kishi knew I just came out of prison. Kishi ain't no fucking mind reader But in my mind, that's what I felt when she looked at me two times So the point where I would put my groceries down and walk out of the supermarket Your mind plays tricks on you you feel this thing but in reality I didn't Forgive myself. I was chucking and jiving

For the first three years after I got out of prison And then it hit me what I had done like what the rest of my life has been it hits you years later The impact of what you really did And then I lightened up on it and then I turned it into a joke because that's my That's my automatic response But like what we're gonna talk about tonight How quick did it take me to change? I didn't change over fucking night at all At all

But I knew the second chance was what I did with that second chance If he just is trying to make a living and feed his kids and you pay the 22 dollars to go see him That's your choice It'll be interesting to see how his tours dude. Do you think they're gonna do well? I don't know. He hasn't announced a fucking tour. So it doesn't really matter We're just talking about him getting on stage right now in new york. Okay, right? That's it. Nobody's announced a tour Nobody said nothing about tour. We're just talking about him getting on stage And people are you know right away raising their hand and not giving him a second chance in my world

I love dogs I love dogs. I can't see somebody hurting a fucking dog But I could also see somebody getting caught up in something People get caught up in things they don't even fucking know it. I was watching a documentary last night not not a documentary I was watching something on reels tv about van halen And how any van halen married valorie burton ellie and instead of and everybody thought valorie burton ellie was this smooth nice white girl She turned out to start partying with him

You know, they started fucking doing drugs together and going out together and blah blah blah blah blah My point is that sometimes good people get caught up In bad things that doesn't make them a bad person at all Sometimes life moves so fucking fast It moves so fast and now you're involved And now there's no turning back because either you need that money You fucking this is how you support this girl that you really like

You know, you just get involved in awesome next, you know, you get knocked on the door And it's the cops at the door You know, so always remember that there's two types of people And then I look at them both from two different perspectives that they're good people There's people that big make bad mistakes and there's people that get caught up in things And don't know how to get out of them Until they get out of them and then you realize you're out of it and you're out of it for good So that's why for me

When michael vick got in trouble as much as cuba is dedicated to saint lazaro and the dogs and the whole fucking thing I didn't get pissed off and michael vick. He did his time. Did he not do his time? Yeah, he did his time He paid his fines And he lifted his chin and went back to playing the nfl Has he gotten in trouble since then? I don't think so. Okay Then my point is good people get involved in bad things sometimes

You're my homie lee. You're my homie. What what if what if you're my homie? We start this podcast and also one day start selling fucking coke And i'm making fucking millions of dollars every two weeks fucking doing coke and I asked you to put some money in your house And I pay your rent and I buy your new car and you know, it's not drugs You just hold the money for me But one day the feds kick down and you're doing you got 20 million in your fucking thing. You're a good person Who just got involved in the bad thing? The judge will give you 90 days to show you never as a punishment

And then they'll release you to a halfway house and a guy like you'll never ever ever even get a parking ticket again Do you understand what i'm trying to say to you? So Always remember that I want you to look at things for what they are Which is americans. We don't do anymore We forgot how to fucking do this like we just all of a sudden we forgot the due process of things And how things have to be looked at but I look at things like that because i'm a criminal And I got a second chance Right, so I understand now am I a hypocrite at times? You bet your ass

You know should a child rapist get a second chance? Somebody who takes a child and rapes him and throws them into the bushes or something like that How do you feel about that? Would you give that person a fucking second chance to be moved next door to you? I said that that those are the hard ones. You gotta play with your kids. No, you understand me So there's so much hypocrisy that we live under So for us to say who gets a second chance who doesn't get a fucking second chance I watch what people do Fucking what's his name?

Iron man was out of his gourd for years. Robert Downey Jr. He was out of his gourd for years. He went to prison, didn't he? I don't know what he did. He did something. He got caught with batman suit He was doing drugs in a closet. You know, lindsay lohan wasn't trouble for years You know Paris Hilton People go through phases shook daddy. What's his name? I remember they caught him with a gun with jennifer lopez and he gave the gun to jennifer and there was a shooting These are people that go into a world you start rapping You know what happened with tupac? He just wanted to rap

They just wanted to rap and they built this imagine every world and guess what that world became their fucking reality That world what they wrote about became their fucking reality art became life or whatever they call that I've thought about what you were talking about a lot how like the difference between good and bad people And it's and I think what you're getting at is it really changes Based on like the time period like there's things now the like If you told people in the 60s or the 40s like there were just different things that were Acceptable or for people to do or like that people didn't frown upon I guess as much

Sexually or whatever the case may be And those people are looked at as good people and someone does something like and like so that's I'm just it's interesting How did the what we have changed? We have we have the thing called the internet which magnifies The latitude of what was done So you asked me joy, what does that mean that means that now We hear more about shootings than what we do muggings and stabbings We we amplify more shootings So now you hear about every fucking shooting with 20 years ago. You don't know what happened over the weekend in fucking Chicago

The internet didn't let you know these things so When judging people, you know, it's very tough not to judge a person to say you judge them If somebody says to you this guy just got out of jail for raping 12 fucking kids And he wants a job at your store, you know, what the fuck do you do as a human being? What do you do you give that person a second chance as a Christian? So we're all hypocrites in some way Or form, you know, that's that's that's a point. I'm trying to make well with Louis C. K

He has to make a living People make mistakes now they can't make a living I Since when did that fucking When did that fucking was just communist cuba? It'll be interesting to see like they can make a living but it'll be interesting to see if like the places give him the rooms if people goes Because people are gonna get upset. I think if I was louis right now, I keep getting on stage. I would write I would do an interview

I would definitely Do interviews on mbc cnn I'd be the first one to break the barrier There's a barrier. Let's break this fucking barrier, but you living in the shadows. You're not doing no good for yourself or for nobody to fuck else We were established on making mistakes and getting somewhere You don't learn from being perfect. You learn from making mistakes So If I was louis right now, I would have already done. I would have called 60 minutes

I would have beat somebody else to the punch You know a year ago two years ago and it's fucking hysterical because I love to do in movies. I love television But the more I'm around these people I despise them and I despise I love what I do I love coming to an office Talking shit for an hour and I love doing stand-up away from Everything that is hollywood. I really fucking do

so two years ago Kathy griffin cuts off the president's head And she gets in trouble and she's crying like a fucking pussy that she is Didn't she slam louis ck last week too? Probably yeah, she slammed louis ck. This is the society we live in People who have gotten a second chance. I mean she's back out there doing theaters and selling out So people who get second chances they slam people who are trying to get a second chance This is the society we live in today that fucking angers me to no end

It's like me slamming somebody that's trying to get a second chance Well, I mean don't you think more than anything being like a convict is is probably people judged most harshly? Absolutely But I thought that way for 18 months and then I stopped giving a fuck about it Because before I was a convict I was a human being And you have to look at me as a human being the same way I look at you as a human being Even when I was not convicted I knew people who had come out of jail That I didn't look at in a weird way. It was just a part Of them for the business they were in

Whether it was bookmaking whether they shot somebody to like to prove a point Whether they fucking got arrested for selling coke or whatever I knew a bunch of people that got not a prison and I remember thinking boy if I ever go to prison I know I wouldn't want to treat you know what I'm saying I I think you had a very unique upbringing because to be honest before I met you I had some people who I knew that went to jail after high school or were dating people who came out of jail And I didn't say anything to but I'd probably judge. I think I remember Why would you date someone and like until I until you meet someone or it happens to you and it changes your perspective

We all judge. It's our natural instinct to judge But I you know, it's a funny fucking story I started liking this cheerleader And we started swapping spit when we would go on dates and we would hold hands and shit in the eighth grade and In one day like I you know, I like the girl But one day We were starting a little hot and heavy and I go we played hooky together like we had like a monday off

It was like a holiday monday But her parents worked or I assumed her parents worked So I took the bus down there and we started swapping spit like a hold on one second What time did dad get home? She's like my dad gets home at 5 30. What time's your mom? I got home. She goes my mom is dead I think I kissed her for another 10 minutes and I fucking left that I was like that's the creepiest thing I've ever encountered At the age of 13. I had never met anybody who didn't have a mother It freaked me the fuck out. Do you understand me?

It freaked me out so much. I had dumped out like I dumped her I still remember who I dumped her for I still remember calling her and going like she kept calling me when are you gonna come down here? I'm like, man. I'm just too busy with basketball. I'm in all these fucking leagues, which I was But I was always available for a nookie cookie You know what I'm saying? But fuck that when she told me her mom died I was like, I'm not dating this girl no more Who the fuck how does your mom die?

What did you do that your mom died like I never heard of that before And guess what when I found my mother dead As I was putting her arm down that girl came into my mind So I learned how not to judge at an early fucking age It's it's it's a struggle every day not to judge and it's it's crazy how like you have to catch yourself Like do you catch yourself all the time? All the fucking time But in minimal not as much

As when I was like 13 When I was 13, I thought how you did, you know, I don't eat I don't eat mushrooms because they got dark shit on them You know, I don't give a who gives a fuck Then one day you realize everything you've eaten that shit on it For years people's fingers every restaurant you eat that even your mother's a filthy animal She scratches her ass when she's cooking Jew food insane It's all the fucking same, you know, so it doesn't really matter Once you remember I was the most fucking

pathetic Individual before my mother died that you ever encountered I would cut the fat off a steak I did things that only a fucking spoiled kid would do But when my mother died guess what I learned how to eat that fucking fat off the steak, you know what I'm saying? Like I was very You know, there's things I'm not gonna do bitch Bitch, you know, if you're gonna fucking make it in this world, there's things you have to do

You have to do and that's just the way life is You don't want to do them, but you gotta do it's just the way life is Life ain't fair life ain't candy candy coated. That's why this psychiatry You know what I'm saying? That's why when people blow smoke up you're actually not doing nobody any favors You're not doing nobody no favors Then the tv show ends and they actually think they do stand up and they go on the road like signing out live guys And they get tomatoes thrown at them Because somebody told them one day on the set they were funny a director told them after he said the same line 10 times

You follow me. So that's why you don't blow smoke up somebody's ass But it's really weird that this year Was the 30th year that I've been out of prison So a couple weeks ago like in utah, I thought about I had been thinking about it a lot Way before the second chance thing and I started writing about it And I broke it down into a chronological like 10 year periods So I started it like the day I got out of prison and walked into a halfway house

Which was uh, February of 89 to 99 And I looked at I did an abe Lincoln close. Do you guys know what an abe Lincoln closes an abe Lincoln closes when you take Like like let's say you go. You know what? I've been a manager at a lo's movie theater For eight years and I'm making 75 000 a year But lemmy offered me a hundred thousand dollars But I have to go to wilderness now instead of whatever

So you get a sheet of paper and you split it down the middle of pros and cons and you put the pros and the cons I have to drive 80 hours. I make 25 000 more dollars. I don't get much insurance I don't get to see my kid on wednesday play softball no more and then you make an assessment of what you're gonna do That's what I kind of did with it. I remember coming in here saying to you that I looked at my first 10 years in comedy Like how my first 10 years out of prison and into comedy how there was more Like it's fucking hysterical There was more failures than there were successes It's so we and by a fucking long shot

Like by a margin of error like that you wouldn't believe How much more Defeat I had the success so you wrote down like all the good things that happen all the bad things that happen Fuck and I brought them down for the first 10 years of comedy just because it's really like since I got out It's like I got released from camp george west to bctc february of 89 Right two days later I was snorting coke Like not 30 days later not three days later not two days later

I was snorting coke and a few weeks later. I was selling coke And loaning out money at the halfway house So let's talk about fucking uh all right lewis ck So I did my crime in 87. I got locked up in 88 I did about eight months. I put my family through hell when I had left. I put myself through hell I was out two days and I was already doing cocaine but I learned my lesson

Not really after a year. I learned my lesson After I got sentenced in front of a fucking judge here. I am in a halfway house And two days later, I think I got to the halfway house on the tuesday I went through orientation like tuesday wednesday and then thursday let you out to go get closed and shit like that I went to get a package full of coke And you hadn't done coke for eight months nine months nothing not a drop Fuck not a drop All right, and I was lending money on a big I got a job right off the bat washing cars on commission

And I broke every rule that they had You had to have a number where they could reach you. I got a page I told them that where I worked the phone rang but we didn't hear it So not to call me at work. I didn't have a day job at all I did not have a day job I sold coke and I watched a couple friends of mine cars for 25 30 bucks That's it I wasn't supposed to drive. I was driving like fucking james bond I was driving like an uber drive. I was driving all around town. I had three different fucking cars

I remember being on a light next to a halfway house counselor one day Like pulling up at the light and looking and it was her And looking away one of the chicks a black chick her name was judy She worked in the halfway house and me being at the light going she's gonna turn that was two weeks in house Detention that means for two weeks you couldn't do nothing but go to work and come back to the halfway house And like three points lost off your fucking thing and you had to go down the system

I was parked at the light right next to a fuck All right, so I got out of the half of I got out of the prison 89 in february By 80 by april I got I got my first hot urinalysis Two months two months I came up hot for cocaine And so like that and like being next to that lady in the car weren't like, okay No, no, no, no, no, no, no, there was no stopping me. I didn't give a fuck I had no rules. There was nothing I was 27 Maybe I didn't give a fuck. There was not gonna stop me. I had an attorney and I just threw him money

To keep me out of jail so they were gonna put me in County for 60 days I cut a deal with them To put me in an outpatient halfway house an outpatient rehab That cost me like four thousand dollars For six weeks, but I didn't give a fuck Because all I had to do was go from uh six to nine at night

And I would just sit there and tell stories and shit and fucking fuck around and talk to women. That was it So I wasn't doing nothing. I was just chucking and jiving And we're nervous at all and they told me if they caught me again that they were gonna throw me in jail Jesus that they were gonna revoke my fucking community corrections. You think that stopped me fuck. No So now guess what happens in may of 89 Something bad. I knocked up my girlfriend Oh, geez and if you thought I was wheeling and dealing by that point, you should have seen me go to work then I was an unstoppable machine. I quit my job and I started selling Mitsubishi's on 104th and Thornton

When the eclipse was the hottest car in the fucking country and you would make 800 per car I would sell two a day of those motherfuckers and I was loaning money. I was selling coke I was like a one-man fucking wrecking crew dog A one-man wrecking crew They let me out of the halfway house like in september and I got married 99 of 89 We weren't I got at the fucking wedding I was snorting coke

But here's the funniest story out of all of this shit That when you get put on community corrections They're allowed to come to your work or to your house at any time in 24 hours And actually to take your dick out or you pussy out and piss in the jar So I played the game in court, but then I took him to court and I said I didn't want him at my job And we cited some fucking case And we beat them. They said no piss test at my job. So that's why they never showed him at my job But there was a two-team operation

It was a woman That was about if I was 27 28 She was like 36 kind of attractive But she had like a wooden leg like some kind of She had leg dragged and still is here coming. Huh? She could hear her coming. She could hear her coming. She dragged But she was very nice and very sweet And then her Sidekick was a guy that was like a that a guy that wanted to be a cop

But he was too stupid To be a fucking cop and he got his head cut like a marine and shit And this motherfucker would come to my house now you guys know me You know, you guys know me like I told my wife the story there then we're fucking dying Do you know I was on community corrections for two years That motherfucker came to my house 10 times I swear to mercy. I never opened up the door not one time He would sit out there for hours. I remember one time they called the sheriffs

And the sheriffs were parked outside and I jumped out the back went no wind got a slice of pizza This went on for two years. They didn't make you wear a bracelet. No No, no, no, no, no, no. I had an attorney that I just kept shoving money at him I didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck guys I remember one time I had friends visit me from jersey And they brought like an ounce of coke and I told them I was leaving at two in the afternoon to go fly somewhere I wasn't flying nowhere I was just I bought a plane ticket and everything I had to show them the plane ticket and the whole fucking thing

I bought a plane ticket I was just gonna lock myself up with my buddies and get fucked up and then to somewhere Do you know an hour after my friend's land? I don't know what I did with my ex-wife me and my buddies were upstairs fucking snorting coke And I heard pounding at the door and there was this motherfucker downstairs trying to piss test me before I left Jesus and I was like fuck you I'm not opening the door and he knew I was I I see you I know you're in there open up the door. I wouldn't fuck you. I'm not opening up shit I didn't open up that fucking door for two years and then open up that goddamn door

And you still got out of probation and then I would fucking I would put stuff on my dick All the drain I was on circumcised so I kept fucking with their piss tests So I would take the the skin from my dick and pull it back and put pool cleaner on it and pull the skin over it And then when I would pee I would pull the skin back and all the chlorine and Draino aspirin they told me to put aspirin to beat the piss test I was fucking with them. They kept getting these tests. I was saying like tampered with And they couldn't figure out. I mean, they would make me put my hand up and everything

But let's go back to the chick with the wooden leg So there was times when I would go into piss And she was there and she would only test me for thc Do you follow me she wouldn't give me a full panel So I knew if I pissed on certain days, I knew their schedules So I wouldn't go there when she was there So my probation because those piss tests are expensive So they would panel me twice and just thc one time

But you were smoking weed too probably I was smoking. I was smoking weed under the level You like Joey, what's under the level? I would roll a joint real tight And I would go I had a little gym 35 bucks a month. I had a garage and a punching bag with weights and radio And I would close the garage and I would take One hit off the joint and turn it off and hit the bag and work out So as I was before you'd even got in I would drink water and sweat it out of me

I never got caught for thc. I always beat them for thc But if you're in smoke, this is also in coke. This is also 1990 The the tests weren't as sophisticated Jesus, but there were times when I would go with her And she would have to watch me piss and I would like take my dick out and show it to her a little bit Like just to play with a little bit like to play with a head Because she was cute, but I could tell she hadn't gotten dick in a few years I could tell

And she was kind of cute, but nobody you know in bold. It's all young college girls Nobody talks to you if you're over 35 And I would tell her you know, you're looking pretty good to her because she did she had a nice body except for the Leg whatever the fuck the leg was I know she got shot in vietnam. I don't know what it was, but she had a fucked up leg So My relationship with her was pretty good. She knew I was up to something But she liked me my ex-wife cut her hair

You know, so she kind of liked me. So she was always really cool with me. It was the marine guy That kept fucking tormenting me to death. You weren't showing him at your dick No, I would never show him my dick He would he would sit in the room and watch me and he would actually put his glasses on And watch me put my hand under my dick. He would make me put my hands up He thought I was like you had stuff on chemicals in my hand the shit The chemicals were in my foreskin and they could never figure it the fuck out But how did you have like a rubber band around it? How nothing nothing

So how did they stick in your foreskin? I would take my dick in front of the probation place I would take it out in the car and sprinkle the chemicals on my dick And then I would sometimes put like a rubber band. You're right. Like I would put like a rubber band Or like a fucking meat tie or something, but the meat tie The rubber band they wouldn't know the rubber band would just go into my pants So I would just take my dick put in the thing and then just pull the skin back The helmet would fucking go in and then when the piss would hit the helmet the stuff would fall off the helmet I would drink like two gallons of water

It wouldn't mix right in there. Oh, I was I was treacherous treacherous. They didn't that's they didn't take your hair out there I did not stop. So I got this pool girl pregnant And we this is from a Polish family. We decided to get married on Cobra 89 We got married on a Saturday guys. I just got out of the halfway house We got married on a Saturday. You got to give me credit for one thing. I did put together like 15,000 dollars over the summer in two months Like I said 15,000 like that was the first time my life

I had ever done something like that in my life. That's how much I was stealing That's how much I was selling coke. That's how much like I was I think it was from cars It was from cars too. I was making money from cars too But this is the most disgusting thing I ever did in my life. I got married on a Saturday We got on a plane to san francisco She was pregnant Do you know we messed around on the plane like the plane was empty We had like the whole fucking back 10 seats back there. We got fucking naked as fuck

It started messing around on the plane, you know, I'm a savage and I was a fucking savage then We went back to the hotel room. She was already tired I laid down when uh, she fell asleep and I got in the rental car And I went hunting for my friends from san francisco From five years earlier And I ended up finding one of them like at one in the morning at the spanish bar in san francisco And he sold me an eight ball While your wife is asleep. My wife was asleep

And I drove around for like three hours about five drinking and snorting coke like this is how crazy I am I'm on fucking probation And I'm driving around san francisco drinking And snorting coke but not like drinking like you know Like a fucking I would just take the little sips of the beer and then throw the can of beer. I was paranoid I went I parked in the hotel. I don't know what hotel we were staying at and I finished the rest of the cocaine And I went upstairs about seven in the morning. I laid down And I laid down I was awake in bed till about nine till she woke up

And we had like the fucking The next day it was just stacked We weren't going to one baseball game. We were going to like two baseball games We went to see the oklanes against the Yankees with kenseko and all that And then we went to monday night football The diners against somebody else Something crazy like I was out of my mind. This that was my idea of a honeymoon Was going to fucking baseball games and football games and shit

But you hadn't slept the night before I hadn't slept at all. Did part of you plan on sleeping and you couldn't like No, like I just didn't even know what the fuck to do. But that didn't last like I went back I went through the honeymoon and moved into an apartment with a the whole fucking deal And I think at that time I once I got back from my honeymoon. I wasn't getting high. I was just selling coke. I was in too deep now Now I was just selling it I was getting it from a guy that was getting it from a guy That would give him like a pound or two a month and then he would leave and then I would have a month to give him the money

So I would take that I would sell that coke in a week. So I would take that money and buy from other coke dealers So I would just buy coke and sell it with his money for the month and then when he came back from Mexico I would give him his money I had to put in a paint can and fucking hysterical. This is all crazy shit But I was pretty good But like I told you guys earlier from touching the cocaine I came back positive So now they had a big problem. My wife was seven months pregnant And here I am

They're gonna put me in a fucking prison For how long? To finish out my sentence Three fucking years I paid the attorney again And what they did was they put me in the halfway house for 90 day violation We got them down to a 90 day violation and I was going right back to level one That means grunt you have to start you can't eat out

You can't bring food in you have to give them 75 dollars for frozen dinners and shit Fuck you couldn't get caught with over 40 dollars in your pocket And now they were watching me like fucking hawks. I was still lending out money. I was still slinging coke I got a job at a fucking car wash Because I could walk to it because I didn't even want to drive anymore So I got a job at a fucking car wash at the puddle car wash in Boulder, Colorado They came to me and offered me a job. They came to me and we're like, listen, man, when you work here before We notice that you could see you want to be a host our host is quitting

You work three days. You made a thousand bucks Wow, if you were a good salesman out there, you can make a thousand bucks cash But I figured out how to rob those motherfuckers me and this other girl that were inside were robbing So we were getting them for four grand apiece a week. Oh my god. I had more money than fucking god robbing these poor people It was like a fucking entity. It was like we she was the sheriff's daughter She was like the sheriff's daughter Like the lead sheriff's daughter and she came through and then she goes, you know much cash They pull into this place and they

We should split something like, okay, I'll put I asked the customers when they come in like you paying cash or credit card That they were paying cash. I put a blue line that that means she was gonna rip it up and throw it away And keep the cash and every three hours she come out and give me a handful of money It was like fucking tremendous. It was crazy. So wait, so you said the last time Like when you got out of jail like two days later, you were starting coke two days later So now you're no disregard for nothing now you're back in the halfway house for three months could have gone for three years How soon are you robbing the bottle car wash? Right off the bat like within a week house within a week. I'm on. Oh my god. I'm on this scam at the bottle car wash

I got a wife that's knocked up Her parents don't fucking like me too much at this point. Nobody likes me at this point You know the cat's out of the fucking bag But I can't stop doing blow but I have kept it together I kept it pretty much together. I stuck to the program. I went to a couple of meetings But I knew I wasn't done. I was just getting started like I knew I'm like, you know what I'm just getting fucking started I'm just let me try to stay clean for a few weeks And that's what I did. I stayed clean. I got out of jail on february 2nd

And my daughter was born on february 3rd. It was like a fucking omen. Holy shit. Like it was like a fucking omen And guess so she was born on february 3rd While she was in the hospital recuperating What do you think I did? Built the crib. I went home and got an eight ball and fucking celebrated by myself That's how much of a degenerate I was so again, that was my second chance I was just running out of luck at this point. How many chances do you think you had more than a fucking cat? That's wild. Definitely more than a cat. That's why I accepted when people when I was gonna get locked up people kept saying

Why don't you run? Why don't you leave the country and I go because I'm gonna pay my sins for everything I did For everything that I did this is not for kidnapping this fucking moron This is for all the other crazy shit. I don't I looked at it that way So now I got the kid And I sold cars for But let me tell you what happened when I was back in the halfway house. This is what started it all

When I got out of fucking prison The guy I lived with before I went to jail Kept telling me I had a watt wash watch this comedian He was a big comedy guy And he kept telling me you gotta watch this guy. You gotta watch this guy. You gotta watch this guy And I finally went to his house one day and I sat there and it was Andrew Dice Clay And I watched the tape and I was pissing all over myself, but I was also very angry Because he was saying all the things that were in my head when I walk around the street

Like the shit I say to myself Like uh, look at this chick over here. What are you gonna do with the flower showing up your ass? All those thoughts were were was going through my head So that destroyed me. So for new year's eve 89 I was stuck in the halfway house, but I didn't give a fuck I rented one of the rooms in the halfway house And I got some cold cuts or something like pizzas or something And I watched Andrew Dice Clay special with like eight guys

The same one you'd watched before the same one I'd watched before I wanted to turn other people other people on to Andrew Dice Clay And that was the first time ever like I was like maybe But nah I'm gonna fucking halfway house I can't just stand up kind of That's Because you had that librarian and president give you the notebook or something right?

So all of a sudden I saw a nice clay. I was like, uh This is what I really want to fucking do. But who the fuck am I? I'm just fucking criminal. I'm charging fucking Invicts big on a fucking 75 dollar rent For a fucking piece of shit. How can I fucking be on tv and do comedy? And it's great because I for whatever reason I imagine you always having like very high self-esteem No, not at this time at all. Now. How can you your mother's dead? You quit high school. You got left back in the seventh grade or your friends are in college You you had to get a gd and you went to prison. What what's self-esteem?

What leg did I have to stand on to have any self-esteem? The self-esteem I had was the drugs were giving me a fake confidence I was just living for the fucking drugs that that was it. But at least I knew this But you were judging yourself. I was way ahead judging myself. Why wouldn't I? I guess how can listen There's got to be a time when you have to fold your cards and there's got to be a time when you hold them and there's got to be When I wrote this thing, that's what I found out over this 10-year thing

When I wrote this I wrote that I realized something about my life that I I always knew when to fold my cards And a lot of people do not know that Do not have that thing because of an ego Or something they have a switch that and I understand You know when I was a fucking freshman I was a great basketball player But the coach didn't like me and I didn't play But then I started realizing one thing the biggest person in my family is five for fucking 10

The biggest person in my family was my father. He was six for four After that, I haven't seen a D. Azar of Valdez. It's over five foot 10 That means I either had to be really good in defense or really fucking quick Or just like to be a Boston Celtic That's the only person who's gonna hire me was a Celtic because they hire white people that are slow and fucking goofy So I was gonna be a Celtic. So when I had to break away from basketball, that was bad enough for me When I had to walk away from basketball, that was painful enough for me. I lived with that scar for years So I was looking for something at this point. I couldn't quit and everything

I would sell cars for six months. I'd be a bartender for six months. I was a carpenter for three months Everything I did I failed that I was a brick mason for nine months. I either failed it or didn't stick with it So do you understand me there'd be a comic I'm like I can't even be a cook I don't have the patience to be a bar back To be become a bartender like I was one of those guys like You know, you want to be a bartender you can make 500 and I really give me a job that you got to start as a bar back And make 125 and wash dishes suck my dick

Why why why I could I could steal 125 a day? That was my mentality. I could sell drugs and make 125 a day. You pay me 500. That's a different fucking story So I didn't want to try nothing. I was a failure at everything. So when I saw Andrew Dice Clay The stand-up seemed great the guy in the library told me I was great, but he was also doing a life sentence It's not like he was nostradamus and told me something, you know knowledge or psychic or nothing So I was taking this from three people. I told me I was to do county, but it was one person When I got married and I had the kid and the whole fucking thing and everything was going smooth And I got a job offer after I quit the car wash. I got a job off from Boulder, Toyota

And Boulder Toyota was a really Straight-up car dealership You had to be really straight like when they hired me I was like these people don't know what they got involved in Because I came from really dirty dealerships This one was very straight. You had a white shirt on Every phone call was taped You had to write your goals every day. It was fucking creepy. You had to do a thousand things a day to work there And I was like, I'm not used to this. I'm a renegade. I'm not used to this

I just want to sell cars. It wasn't like that So that slowed me down. But there was a guy that his name was James Handy. I still talked to Jimmy handy was his name and he was different than any other car manager I had ever had That whole crew like I worked with this Jewish guy that you remind me of His name was already presley that motherfucker sold me on the cell cars That you know how to sell cars because he would sell you a car psychologically He did the same thing every time. He would always sell you a car But he sold you a car psychologically

So you learn how to sell a car psychologically when I went to work At for jimmy handy and and this guy named Marty Sadler who works out at uh, I want to give him a shout out He works out in long mon Honda I'll they honed my skills. They took my juicisms And really honed them. They were fucking sharp These guys were already presley was a fucking jew, but he was like a stone jew Those jews that sell diamonds and stones and shit. They will close you until your head spins They close you psychologically and then the next day you have buyer's remorse

And then they talk you out of it. They you know, they fucking how about we knock three points off or something like that But then we'll charge you a point for the new case. This guy was notorious He was phenomenal at what he did. He was a new york jew. I loved him He taught me how to four square Four square is a system of selling cars So you get the person to commit to a down payment the monthly payment How much for their car all on one shot and you make them sign and you fuck with their heads He was the king of that shit. But when I went to bold to tell you that they do a four square

They sold cars from the hip What does that mean they sold cars from the hip Jim Jim handy would just get up and come over and go case you here's the fucking deal Listen, you haven't paid your water bill in six months and you're coming in here and demanding fucking situations This is what you're gonna pay for the car If not, take a fucking hike because it was bolder people have credit in bold. I don't have to put up with your shit So you're gonna pay for the fucking car take a fucking thank In bold the people did five line credit apps

They they credit is solid They can pay for the car cash Or like a financed a car. It didn't matter right when you sell cars in denver. There's always a by the way How's your credit? That's great You haven't paid the phone bill in two years. You know what I'm saying? Then you gotta Then I gotta get you a lender that'll lend you the money, but he's gonna lend you for 24 points And you're gonna cave again. And then you know what I'm saying? Like it's a constant fuck up But when I sold cars with those guys

They taught me how to slow down how to be a gentleman They were they were different, but jim handy made you write down your goals And then we have like a christmas party or something And I went off at the christmas party and jim handy pulled me aside. He's like dog. You gotta get the stand up copy You gotta quit this shit, but jim handy was a really good-looking dude And he pulled pussy from all over and he was married with two kids But there was a chick in the office that had a crush on him because he was a good looking old dude And I knew the chick was watching

And one day I sold the car And I had to be there early the next morning to deliver it And there's two sons were there and they were talking in the garage when I walked back there And as I walked back there, they were talking about problems that their mother and father were having Then I interrupted the conversation. I went jimmy you're gonna have that car jimmy jr. Are you gonna have the car ready for me? And he goes yeah, and he turned around he goes we were just talking about you this morning On the ride to work And I go what were you saying? He goes my father said he had any balls. He quit his job and take you on the road as your manager

And I remember delivering the car and going that's fucking crazy That this guy would quit his fucking job and take me on the road. Why would he want to do that? Like he was dead serious He was dead serious I went in and said to him. Are you serious? He's like He goes, I I'm a fan of stand-up. I think you got all the fucking tools to do it I'm about to tell me about it I want to be around

To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart One day morning get your shit together A somebody who Will swear to be true As you used to do with me So anyway Like I was telling you oh, by the way, I got a good call from a friend of mine

Joe motherfucking luchy from 30 years ago. I grew up with Joe luchy I went to cac dc it with Ted Nugent at the garden August 4th with him 79 I don't know how many concerts I went to see with Joe luchy But he called me at the end he goes, you got to do me a big favor You got to give a shout out to a friend of mine Edwin Rios or something like that a friend of his down there And motherfucking Orlando, Florida. We haven't given out a shout out to people in a while But I want to give this guy a shout out. He's a good friend of fucking Joe luchy And uh, I owe D to Joe luchy's one time. I ain't a bunch of quailers

Just started some coke and my eyes turned fucking backwards your shit tremendous. You can't write this Is that on the list? No, no, no That's not on the fucking list. All right, so uh It was but what was fucked up. I was at when I was at Boulder, Toyota I hadn't met the the lucky thing about The car wash was that I met a lot of people in town So I met these guys that were coming to say sheriff's office And they would have regular cars. Well, I finally figured out they were the undercover agents

So boulder undercover agents don't work in Boulder. They work in Denver And Denver sends their agents to Boulder when they were where did they say? police department They would come in and just say charge it to the boulder sheriff's department. Oh So do you understand me people would come in so I became friends at undercover cops Then people come in and say charge it to the boulder county district attorney's office Charge it to the boulder county district attorney's office and all this shit. So I would just write this is attorney's office and bring it in This one guy who would say charge it to the boulder district attorney's office

I didn't know who he was and I started talking to him I would talk to him the way I'm talking to you two guys like good morning. Are you doing what's going on? Like just being me I didn't know what he did. He looked like a cop, but not really. I didn't give a fuck And I worked at the car wash for a while and then I would see him around town I made a lot of contacts at the car wash And one day I bumped into him and he shook my hand and I go. Hey, man. I never even know what the fuck you did for a living Because I'm one of the da's in town and I gotta tell you something

I'm on probation right now. He goes you For what and I told him what I did he goes that was you He goes, oh my god Because who was the da on that and I told him who was the district attorney on that he he hated me The guy hated me. He showed up at all the hearings and tried to put me back in jail and shit So this da his name was bill wise He hated that guy too So I took him a side of bill. I'm trying to get my life together

Mr. Wise and I want to move back to New Jersey, but this probation Is not letting me move back to Jersey This is how I first found out about Trump when I had that job Through construction. I was on the cell doors and moldings and saddles And I was supposed to go back to jersey when I got out of prison. That was the plan That's what that was my selling point for them to let me out of prison that you don't have to deal with me I'm gonna go back to jersey Don't worry. I won't kidnap no more people in bold because I was being no more being jersey

So that was the plan all along after I got out of prison. I felt that people eyeballing me type deal So I was thinking about moving back to Jersey at one time. I was still married Whether we were happy or wasn't I just thought you went through those phases So I went to him like a man. He goes do me a favor. Send me a motion. Just send it to my desk Have your attorney send me a motion and I'll dismiss the probation This is in the middle of me fucking hiding from the fucking guys and the sheriffs Like he knew nothing about that. He just goes send me a fucking motion. I'll dismiss it

Just like that. I called my attorney I go write a fucking dismissal thing to bill wise. He goes, are you fucking crazy bill wiser? I go just send and do it watch he called me a week later. He goes, how the fuck did you do that? You know bill wise turned out to be the it was two of them was alex hunter And bill wise also got in trouble with john bernie ramsey. They took the heat for the john bernie ramsey case It was alex and the hunter And bill wise when they redid the show a couple of you about two years ago the 20th anniversary or something that they redid The cop that I turned myself into jimmy cola. He was a cop in boulder at the time. He was under

So that's how I got our probation Everybody was pissed The detective was pissed the da the detective actually came to the uh went looking for me one day And he's like how the fuck did you get all probation? We got our own you piece of shit We know exactly like fuck you guys. I got a friend in the da's office. You know what i'm saying? That's it. Now I had him by the balls. I was all probation So is that that's on the good side because you got all probation? Yes Yes, I was about to go back to all I needed was a fucking parking ticket

So yeah, and that's what I've heard that that big movie was very hard. It was hard Like you can get it's it's hard easier than prison. I've heard boom. It's easier in prison. That's crazy That there's so much scrutiny on you. Yeah Wow, okay, so once jim handy Quit Toyota he went somewhere else Our crew broke up I said fuck it. I didn't want to sell cars no more and my brother-in-law's offered me a job Working for them and I started as a fucking roofer

On a flat roof tearing it off. I was a just a regular roofer No title. I had never roofed before I never did nothing they started me at 12 15 an hour or something like that $11 an hour. This is still in colorado This is still in colorado. I'm still not even thinking about comedy I had seen dice Jim handy told me to get into it, but I was still kind of like I can't I got a kid I'm never gonna. I'm a fucking criminal dog. Here. I am wheeling and dealing the University of Colorado school loans I'm getting Pell grants. I'm putting them directly in my account

I'm buying an ounce of coke with Pell Grant money. I mean, you know, how the fuck was I gonna be a comedian? When was I gonna find time to do comedy in between all my bullshit? And my wheeling and dealing so now we're still at We're still in 1999 91 I'm roofing and fucking it's January And it's really cold And then we had the day off and I stay in and that movie punchline is on

With Tom Hanks and Sally Struthers about what not Sally Struthers. Whatever the name is about stand-up comedy And I watched that movie and that was it That was it. I called the comedy works afterward And I got my name on the stand-up comedy Sally feels Sally feels and I and they called me a week later and I canceled That was January of 91. I kept canceling And then like in March one day I went into this fucking now. I gotta tell you guys something at this point. I am miserable

Miserable In your life for 28 years old I was lied to I was lied to Kishi. I was lied I saw the Waltons and that's what I wanted and you're fucking crazy if that's what I wanted at that age I thought success was having a wife having a child I had a condo. We had two cars one for her one for me And I was just a working stiff. That was my success

I looked at myself at 28 At this time I was probably making 12 50 an hour And I was fucking miserable For years it took me to get to this level Of having everything I wanted or I thought I wanted And I gotta tell you something this ain't what I want to do This is as boring as it gets I gotta come home to this fucking mooch every night

this fucking mutt every night And play with my kid till 10 and then I go to bed and get up at five and go to work from six to fucking five and do it again And do that with two weeks off a year Until I'm 65 that that's who you're telling me That's who you're telling me God I know you can't do nothing. I'm married. I can't do nothing I mean, I can't do nothing. I felt like a fucking, you know I just felt fucking immobile. I didn't know what to do at 28 here. What I had a more probation

I'm making not bad money. I'm wheeling and dealing cars. I was not making bad money guys I was not missing meals. I wasn't making a quarter of a million dollars a year But I wasn't dying either. I was making a hundred grand. I was 28 years old and bold. That's not fucking bad Bold everybody gets paid 10 bucks an hour When I started roofing I would work six day. I would work five days a week and I learned how to sell Residential roofs and I would do them with a friend and I would pick up an extra three grand on the weekend doing a roof with it I didn't know the meaning to stop at 28. I didn't stop. I worked seven days a week And then one day I fucking

They sent it snowed And at this time I was we were doing we were in between jobs. So I was stocking jobs And I was estimating, you know, I got that estimated job. I created the position myself I'm like, what are we gonna do after this job? They're like, we don't know. I go you guys have no idea And I went I contacted all the rubber companies carlyle good year firestone And they sent me estimation packages and I started getting I started writing bids by myself I swear to god, I taught myself how to write bids. I started getting jobs So when it hails in colorado all these residential people do their roofs over to it's a scam

So I would go and put flyers up Fucking j&d roofing. I don't even know what j&d roofing was Joey Diaz roofing Jesus And I would fucking go to a neighborhood I swear to godly And I would go talk to you and by the time I was finished with you on your lap I had five people come out and go While you're here take a look at my roof

So I would do the rooms or I would sell them out To a friend of mine and he would give me like 20% of the roof Which was like 300 400 hours I was selling cars out of the newspaper So I'd buy a car you won you won four thousand for your car and show up with 32 cash We wanted that car for 4400. I'd sell it to leave 4200 I would give you 200 if you sold it under your name because you can only sell three cars a year under your name Then you have to become a dealer. So I would give you a dog. You're dealing with the wrong type of animal here

I do not know what it is to stop at that age. I was a one-man wrecking machine I was a one-man wrecking machine But I was so fucking miserable in my marriage So fucking miserable I Love being a dad, but I wasn't ready for that he had beaten I just was not ready for that shit. That's why I'm when I called you that day And you were in Boston and you said I'm with a lot of my life

I almost went to Boston to shot you in that You're 25. You don't even know what the love of your life is love of your life is cheeseburgers It ain't some fucking Spanish girl. You know what I'm saying? You don't know what the fuck you want to do with 28 You don't know what the fuck you want to do But I knew I didn't want to be broke And I knew I wasn't gonna go back to prison Those are the two things I fucking knew And I knew I was gonna figure out how to make a fucking living that I enjoyed this roofing shit

It was for the fucking birds. It was fun. I like being in shape. I like working outside in the sun, but I'm not gonna be 40 doing this And I went to get Food at the diner one day and I saw an ad in the paper like a you know when you just open the paper I just opened the paper to the sports section And there was a guy there doing stand-up and said how to be a stand-up comic And it showed about the rosanne had just hit So she had hit out of Denver. So the comedy boom in Denver was huge

All of a sudden everybody was becoming a comic in Denver and I'm like this is what I want to do now I'm just becoming a comic So I took a class I took the class I can march Or april and then I got a job as a doorman at witsend Tom any club I started as a doorman Then they promoted me to a fucking sound guy then I got promoted to the bar back And the guy always told me the first time you get on stage you're fired Like the owner was named as cootie was his name. He used to tell me I don't hire comics

So the first time I hear you get on stage you're fired So I enjoyed this job because I got to watch comedians They weren't a-list comics by no means they were it was like a c-club But I still got to ask questions I got to ask the comedians stupid questions about touring and traveling. How do you make a living and shit like that? When I kept canceling and then one fucking day I told my wife at the time that I got a tuesday at the Comedy works and she was like well, that's got a babysitter

And she held me feet to the fire So now I had to get on fucking stage. I had Judy Carter's handbook And I fucking got on stage and I remember walking on stage and Ed Nichols came up to me one of the owners of the comedy works Then he's not the owner anymore And he was like your jokes need work, but your stage presence is fantastic keep coming back And I just knew I just had to figure out how to get rid of this fucking mutt next to me my wife I really did I wasn't happy at all And we got into an argument in July. She was selling muffins

Her and my other friend's wife were selling muffins My ex-wife can make a fucking muffin jack She made an almond poppy seed muffin that would rock your fucking world She was selling muffins and we got into an argument about the muffins one day And it never really recovered after that And I wouldn't like this fucking depression Like I tried to become a fucking buddhist I went and got confirmed in the catholic church. I mean I was going through hell. I was going through a living

Fucking hell being married And then I went to I got on stage and this guy who Was at the show hired me For a show two days later. That's a great feeling. He goes. I'll give you gas money He gave me five bucks for gas money And I went in front of the Denver Broncos at the training camp and that was my second gig ever I just I just ate a bag of dicks. That was it and then I had another gig like a week and a half later

But at that point I was by august I was depressed to shit I was like, this is terrible. I gotta do stand them. I gotta figure out how to do fucking stand them I couldn't even think anymore. Like I couldn't even think I just And in september she came to me and she goes This is rough aren't you? Do you want to take a vacation? I said, let me go home for a week And I went back to new york for a week and I actually the plan was to get on stage I got on stage like one time and I went and watched more comedy. Like I was so scared. I went and watched comedy

I was so intimidated I went and watched comedy watch comedy watch comedy. I'm like, you know what? I gotta move back here And I went back to colorado. I just went back there basically do drugs. I hadn't been home in six years I left new jersey and I didn't come back for six fucking years And I basically uh Came back maybe a month later. I came home from work because she was can you talk to me in the kitchen for a second? And she goes, I think we should get separated and I gotta tell you guys I didn't see it coming and I didn't have the heart to separate from her

Like I didn't have the heart To go to her and say i'm catholic Like in my world, I'd rather rot with you Than divorce you you know what i'm saying? Like that's the way I was built. So is that a pro or a con? That's a con Like i'm that old school Like I don't like getting fucking married and divorced like these fucking animals today. You just can't get married and divorced like that all the time You pick one person and you try to work it out with them, but I wasn't happy with her at all So I had to figure something out and and I just knew I just knew she had changed and I didn't

When a woman has a baby and they get married they change And I didn't I didn't I didn't grow up And once I did comedy I was completely gone like once I did comedy it was like Like I didn't mind being a criminal. I like being a criminal, but I wanted to be a comic more Like that was it. I wanted to be a comic more. I fucking loved it So she was gone out of there two days later and I was on stage that night Then there was a contest in my town at the boulder broker The broker was like an old pickup type bar. It's still there

And they had a contest on tuesday nights And the guy I lived with before I went to prison. He was tight with the boulder So I had him call the manager at the club and he gave me a spot in the contest and I won I fucking won that night. I was like, holy shit And then I went back in november and I won again And I made it to the semifinals in december and I won again and I made it to the finals And at the finals That five hours that pj more paid me got arrested. So

Denver came to want me Because one of the guys that was there said you're a pro You took five hours from pj more. I go. No, it was gas money It was five hours. So The judges had to have a talk and they're like, no, you're still an amateur I was still an amateur. I've been doing comedy fucking Six seven months, maybe Was it one of your friends told you out or something or one of the other comments of the other comic sold me out

That's crazy Who I laid off the game because he gave me a ton of work and he we ended up liking each other He brought it up and I still won the contest. I packed it up And then there was a house emcee there. That was a magician And by this time she was gone two or three months And I gotta be honest with you when we split up, we both made a deal We go let's figure out what we're gonna do and then let's start dating people until that time And me I just wanted to do comedy guys. I just want to do comedy

I didn't care about dating nobody. I didn't want to date nobody. I didn't want to see nobody's pussy I just don't do fucking comedy man I was bit. I didn't care about women or nothing So for too much I just did comedy I just did comedy I did comedy as much as I could I wrote as much as I could I rented videos and I stayed up all night watching videos I would just watch a video after video after video after video that's it. It was like this was way before youtube There was no fucking youtube

So you have had he actually go down to the video store And get videos and watch the ones I liked over and over again like a george carlin one I'd watch any murphy delirious. I'd watch andrew nice clay I'd watch kennison, but the ones that really got me with a The uh Young comedian young comedian specials day really got me hooked And I just dove into it and then when the december Before the night before the finals it was december 18th

1991 I had the baby She made me pick the baby up at daycare and she goes can you watch her till about six thirty? I'm going out with my girlfriends from work The contest started at eight. You know that dirty bitch walked into my house at five to fucking eight Oh You know, I had a contest and she goes oh, I wasn't thinking about it. She goes my date went over And I go, what are you talking about date? I don't weren't supposed to date nobody

She goes you're free to do whatever the fuck you do wrong answer wrong answer You know, I was like and I was hurt at that point. I was like You know, I didn't care that we were separated. I knew that this wasn't like I didn't know what was going to happen I knew we weren't going to stay together, but this was just a little too soon You just told me not to date And now you're really pissing on that agreement So we glad I was already like that date this little this little fucking girl from the broker

It's a little wages from the broker We spent like new years together and all this stuff and I started dating another girl From the broker pretty serious and again You talk about your life and decisions. I was pretty happy. I was now the house broker the house mc at the broker I had been doing it like the third week And I was doing a good job I all I had to do was going there on Tuesdays at 7 30 get the uh Entrance from the comics and do five minutes. It's all they wanted me to do

I figured out I had to do it no five minutes every week because it was the same fucking people with steak night $15 for steak a big potato a salad a bowl of shrimp and a comic 15 fucking bucks So my job was to go up on stage while people were eating the fucking steak And talk to them while people were eating the fucking steak. It was horrible But I did it. I kept doing it and doing it and doing it and one and on Monday I would the show was every tuesday And on monday nights, I would go to la diesel restaurant with this chef named joe cotch. He was the fucking

Uh dessert chef and I would stay with him all night and he would make desserts and I would try him I would eat desserts and he'd make me pastas and shit And what and I had that little hot girlfriend But I was I was I was headed to la diesel was pumping gas in my car And a car pulled up behind me and when I turned around it was my ex-wife And she got out of the car screaming and yelling about shit. You're a piece of shit You got a girlfriend and all this shit. I bet you're happy And at this time she was living with the guy

She was living with homey already And she was yelling at me at the gas station. I bet you have any great time with these girls I think that you should be a father and you should be willing to work this out And I thought about it for two minutes. I go, you want to work this out? Let's work this out And she goes, okay tomorrow lunchtime at your house. I'll meet you at the condo And I said, all right, and I went by joe cotches that night And I was kind of excited and I ate a fucking couple xanaxes and I went by my girlfriend's house and did some Blowing we got fucked up. We started fucking and sucking

And the next day I woke up it was two in the afternoon So I never met my ex-wife and when I got there was a note that said fuck you But that That changed everything again. It was a fucking decision That was just something that happened. I was planning on going over there talking to I really really was in my heart But I guess those annexes were a lot stronger than what I thought They fucking knocked me out some valium's is some shit that I had But it was weird. This is all going down and I'm and I'm a comic at this point. I got money put away

I got some credit cards I'm hustling a little bit. I lost my job as a roofer Because it was your ex-wife because it was my ex-wife I lost my job at the comedy club because I was doing comedy So I was basically selling neon For my friends part time like two three days a week pick up an extra 800 But my spending was fucking out of control because I was dating So when you're first dating a chick you're spending fucking every night. We're going out to dinner

We were doing something every night for dinner. We're going to a bar and drinking plus. She didn't know I was doing coke So I'd get a package just to hang out with her and her friends. I was 28 29 Her friends were 21 22 She just got out of college But I did stand up on tuesdays in those days And on saturdays There was a club all the way on the other side littleton And I would drive like 40 minutes all the way up there and it was a huge stage guys

It was intimidating as fuck and the guy would always put me up after the headliner The guy hated me So he would put me up after the headliner and I would eat the biggest bag of dicks But I I kind of know what I was doing like that whole year at the bolder broker I had no idea what I was doing as a comic Not at all. I remember coming out dressed as Madonna one time She did the vogue video with the tits. I remember having like the cups for tits

I was just remember we were talking about finding your voice as a comic I was just finding my voice and I made it. I I think I was the host there from Uh, january of 92 And then I got fired this uh, December of 92 There was all new management and stuff There was new a new manager assigned to comedy and all the entertainment and that guy just didn't like me And he would break my fucking balls every tuesday night about this or that or this or that So the broker has a bunch of books

When you walk into the broker in those days had bookshelves And he kept bugging me bugging me. I told him get the fuck away from me because he had a few cocktails And he got in my face and he was like the next time you go up on stage you fucking curse right off the bat I go listen get the fuck away from me and I pushed him I remember I pushed him against the shelf and all the books fucking fell off the shelf. There was books everywhere He goes you're fired. So he fired me And something else happened that girl from new york that happened the girl I was dating from kansas. She went to new york So I started dating her roommate

Like a man of convenience. No, no, it just never ended and her this is the crazy thing That the girl her roommate was really really hot And she had a boyfriend And me and this girl went to a wedding my girlfriend at the time and she had the wedding she breaks it to me She goes by the way. I got a job in new york I'm leaving in three weeks and when we go back to the house The girl is there with her boyfriend and he's talking about how I got a job in seattle I'm leaving. I'm like you're leaving this hot piece of ass here

You're crazy my girlfriend was hot, but the roommate was torture And sure enough when her boyfriend left and my girlfriend left We're the only ones that do each other So I got her a job at bolder Toyota and then I went back to bolder Toyota with her So we started selling cars So her and I kind of became tight And one day she would always say to me, we're gonna show me your dick and I would go whenever you're gonna show me your pussy And she goes, all right, let's walk over to a car. We went by a car one day

She was gonna show me a monkey and the customer came and she's like, we'll take this some other time And we became friends And I was doing stand-up and she was such a good friend to me I didn't have the money, but she got me tickets for Seinfeld Seinfeld was really hot at the time As friends, she just bought me tickets for Seinfeld And we went we had dinner, you know, I bought dinner and then we went to like She got like really expensive tickets for Seinfeld like we were like in the second row

And I remember like heckling Seinfeld Like asking them like a question like the asshole that I am like to be cool Like I asked him like where's Kramer or something like Like I didn't fucking know guys, you know I can't imagine doing that Yeah, I didn't know I didn't know what the fucking rules were at the time for comedy or heckling Or whatever, you know, but it's so funny. I wanted to this When I got fired

I had already exhausted all my credit cards And I was broke I was flat broke My ex's boyfriend sent two guys to beat me up And I got one of them and he broke my rib and I fucking fucked them up And we put them in the trunk of a car with a cop and we dropped them off at the hospital My life was fucking crazy And my roommate was cool

He let me live with him and you know, he didn't charge me rent a few months But I was just in the deep fuck like I had crashed my Acura I couldn't get around I was I was gonna make my castle leave the keys In an Acura open so I could take the rims off his car I was just living in this island a friend of mine called me from Jersey And we started talking and he goes, you know what man, you sound like shit While I send you a plane ticket and you come back and stay with me for a while and get your head together And I said, you know what man, when you're broken, there's

There's two things you could do. Either you go to psychiatry or you go home And I would be I went home, you know, I hadn't been home in such a long time I had been beat up Between the divorce, comedy, prison, just everything. I had just been beat up. So I went back home And I figured I'd do some fucking comedy When I went back home And I stayed with him for about a month I just got high

I went and did a couple open mics from here to there And then I moved to cliffside with a friend of mine So I lived in a two bedroom apartment with Georgie and his grandmother And Georgie was fucking on heroin And I got a car I got a job driving limos and I still didn't know what comedy was about But if I didn't know what comedy was about at that point I was about to find out that new york was completely different than dinner Like it was completely different guys and we kicked out of the comedy works at this point

No, no, no at this point. I hadn't even been in the comedy works I started at the comedy works and I was doing spots at the comedy work I hadn't even nothing nothing. I was doing with a broker This room in little tent and jimmy and bae that would give me room from time to time This guy jimmy and bae that would call me and give me a room here for 40 bucks a room here When I went to new york bro, that was misery If I thought doing comedy was hard, that was a fucking wake-up call They didn't give a fuck about nothing

It was either bring five people with you or you're not getting on fucking stage period good night And the rooms that didn't have you don't have to bring people with just horror shows You just want to go on stage to stab yourself Fort during the afternoon open mics and hamburger harry's or something Like I did it more like the catcher rising star You had to go get a token and stand on line for five hours. Like I tried them all and I'm like This is fucking brutal This is brutal

And my friends would knock around and try to get me into rooms and I would do a like I would do a Like a a restaurant. I would just eat a bag of dicks. I was terrible I was terrible, but here's the funny thing you said something before when I went to the bathroom When I was in new york Like the first couple months when I went back I worked as a deli clerk And went right back to the heart of north bergen And all the kids I had grown up with would now go into this deli and here I was 10 years later after high school working at this deli

You want to talk about feeling bad? And they're all successful and kids and shit. I'm working in the deli and I'm like I'm doing comedy. They're like Yeah, right It's gonna work out for you There was nobody like everybody would just go. Yeah, right Guess who were the only people that believed in me? My criminal buddies I had two or three criminal buddies that when they found out I did stand-up comics

That dicks got hard one in particular One in particular that He would push me Like did you get on stage today? You got to get on stage and he'd be fucking this coat Would be dripping on his nose while he'd tell me And then I got to the point where he would tell me I want to start going and watching you I want to go watch you do stand up. Do you ever see the movie? There's a movie with chas palm and terry

They muscled on a play and fucking chas tells the writer what to do and it's right He's a better writer than the writer. He turns out to be a great writer. Even the writer goes. You're a great fucking writer That was that was me. Like I would like a like that was him I'm here ended up being a good stand. I fucking knew everything about stand-up And we would go. What are we doing today coax? Nothing. Let's go into the city. Let's pick up a bag of coke And let's go watch you do comedy and I would call you fucking serious I had him I had this guy diamond rago That was a full-time fucking savage

But he would do anything if I told him I needed a ride to the Bronx to do comedy He would fucking tell his wife I'm driving to the Bronx. I don't give a fuck about work I had this other guy jimmy burkle He's dead god rest his soul. He's the one I went to colorado with jimmy burkle would pick me up every tuesday afternoon And he would drive me down the shore and he'd dinner at his house And then he'd drive me to rascals and I'd do the open mic and I'd die in a bag of dicks And he would laugh at me at the way back in the car like you you got no chance of doing this shit I'm just kidding you

Here you go. You're pretty you were the funniest dad tonight In fact, his wife put up a picture about a year ago of me With a suit on on stage at a strip club with sparkles behind He had driven because there was a strip club after rascals that did comedy till like midnight So he was a window washer in the city. So he would drive all the way down the shore and back to the city every day So I had to deal with him on tuesdays. I'll come down with you. We'll go on the boat. We'll go fishing And then we'll go back to the house. I'll take a shower and he would drive me to rascals south And I would do the the open mic at the bar the eat a bag of dicks

eat bags of dicks guys In front of my friends And I didn't know and I had Judy Carter's workbook and every night cocaine was $35 a grand You know how cheap that is no how it wasn't normally 80 damn It was $35 25 There was coke for 35 that was uncut and 25 that was cut. They were still good

So I would buy coke every night go home and read Judy Carter's handbook and gene perry's workbook And all those things and I would do the exercises all fucked up like I knew what I was doing And I would wake up the next morning and go i'm this is never gonna fucking work out for me And just the new york comedy scene sucked for me at the time it sucked It was hardly like I would get spots at the new york comedy club like all right you doing 115 And then you're doing 215 in the bowling room And then four in the fucking back room and you're like four in the morning. Yeah, like it was crazy like I just I was like I can't fucking do this shit anymore, man

And that September I was I was driving a limo. I wasn't working at hashways anymore And I decided to fucking go to yell triple in Just fucking open mic that I had become friends with the guy So the thing started at 11 and if you got there you had to get there like at nine To sign up for 11 and you would still be number 60 Because the guy had all his friends

You know guys that are probably famous today that I don't that I don't even know that they went there This is 20 25 years ago So I would go there sign my name and then come back at two and just die li There'd be like four people in the audience one of them getting a hand job It was horrible like you you just just thinking about it makes me want to fucking cry like I was like What am I gonna do with my fucking life? I'm 30 years old. I'm cracking jokes. I'm driving a limo. I'm delivering sandwiches

What the fuck? And I went in there after this beating and I saw John Leguzama went there at two in the morning And everything I had read in all those books and everything I had read in all those Lenny Bruce books and Richard Pryor books And everything I read in the Judy Carter book all clicked And I'm believing they're going number one. I'm leaving new york That's number one I'm leaving new york. I'm not doing this no more I'm going back to Denver and I'm gonna become a comedian. I got the fucking formula

I know how I'm gonna do this now And I had to do but I was by that time I was 20 000 dollars in debt. What year is this do you think? It's the september of 83 93 So you're five you're halfway into the I'm two years into comedy. Just hit me just hit me what I gotta do Now I know the fucking formula now. I know how I have to put my head. I gotta put blinders on And this is how I have to do it And I had I'm like how the fuck am I gonna get out of here because I couldn't go back to colorado because I owed an attorney 10 000 dollars I owed like three months in child support

I mean I was just broke I had two suits one white shirt had a wash the same shirt every night and iron it I mean that was that broke I had like three pair on the west three pair of socks three pair of jeans I'm like if I go back to bolder and this attorney knows I'm back in town without his 10 grand. I'm dead So I went back to what I knew best I had a friend of mine who had a da jacket And he got me a gun and he knew he goes this is what we gotta do We gotta follow these guys and this guys so for about three weeks I would do the limo business

But I would hang out with him in the daytime And we case our guys the first guy we robbed basically got paranoid and he pulled over and ran away from the car And that's the first guy we robbed and then the second guy we robbed We actually kicked in the door and tied people up and that type of shit and that was scary. I think I got like 9 000 out of that So all together I think I got about 19 000 I paid the attorney off. I paid some child support. I paid some other miscellaneous bills. I bought some clothes But I was still a little bit like I was still a little bit like

And the jets were playing the fucking philadelphia eagles in jersey and I said, you know what? Just from my previous experiences I'm betting the fucking the jets the jets were getting like two points at home. You could check it out You could check out september Or october of 93 jets against philadelphia and they knocked cunning ham up cunning ham was everything philadelphia had The jets knocked them out and they won and I covered and ended up winning like three fucking grand And that's how I got home

I still remember the last weekend before I got home I went to buy cocaine. I was staying in cliffside And I had a car that was loaned to me from A nissan dealer a friend of mine worked at the nissan dealer and he was like Dog for a hundred a week. I'll get your brand new nissan with a plate And I said, okay, and I gained the hundred bucks and I knew I was leaving. I want to take care of some loose ends And I'll never forget going

to uh The city to cop some coke at this random building like just think of going to You know san diego to get coke at a random building october 5th The philadelphia eagles out the jets and the jets beat them by Uh, it says the eagles won 35 30. Yeah, they didn't cover. That's what it was. They didn't cover. They were giving seven or something Oh, shit something I lucked out something fucking big

But I took that money And when I went back to the nissan store to bring back the car Hold on to this. I go with the nissan. I parked on 181st street. What happened? Uh, it says the jets were minus one sucked in crazy. That's crazy something crazy. And I bet something something really weird crazy So I knew they were getting points at home and I did something that I want and fucking uh I went to get coke at this building in Harlem And I hear cocoa cocoa. It's this girl that they called mindy head

In high school. They called the mindy head. She was a good-looking girl and they said she gave head I never knew she never gave me and I never knew she was older than I was She was like three years older than me. She's like you gotta bail me out. I'm like, what's the problem? Mindy's just like I met this guy at a bar and he's outside and he wants me to go home with him But he's kind of creepy. He's got a gun I go mindy. Are you fucking crazy? I just want to go home in pieces. She's like, come on Choked, please. Let me let me go back in the car with you and I'm trying to avoid her like mindy. Let me go upstairs

And do what I have to do and then I come back down because you're causing a scene in the fucking building And these people don't like scenes in their fucking buildings. They're upstairs in the fourth floor selling coke I go go outside and stop causing a scene And I went upstairs and I was upstairs for like 20 minutes. I figured mindy head would leave when I got downstairs She shook the guy and she was down there waiting for me And I remember going come on mindy and I gave her a ride back and I go where are you staying and she's like I'm staying at the fort lee hotel So we went back to the fort lee hotel

And I remember she kept telling me all night. I'm not gonna suck your dick. Don't even think about it like that from the minute We walked in she's like I'm not gonna suck your dick. Don't even think about it at that point. You know what mindy Like I like mindy, but like I heard they used to do torturous things to her They would put her in a car and drive like two miles two hours out of town and say you gotta blow everybody in the car We'll drop you off here like they used to torture her in high school like that to pull Mindy head So I didn't want to bust her balls and I remember that she goes you could sleep with me if you want And I went in the bedroom and then take my clothes off. I looked at the bed and there was like a pubic hair

And I was like, I don't want to sleep here and I got my car left. I never saw Mindy head again But when I went to bring back the car My friend was selling a car to a Puerto Rican girl And I started talking to the girl she had a boyfriend with her and I started talking to the girl She had a boy and one thing one thing happened to another the girl gave me her number And I started talking to the girl for like a month She would call me and I would call her and one day she called me out of the bush She goes me and my boyfriend aren't dating no more

You know how we started talking about Denver Because she wanted to move to Denver to be a drug counselor So I ended up moving with this girl to Denver As she was a drug counselor and on the way whatever happened We swapped some spin and we kind of became a couple and we moved in together in Denver for about four weeks This is crazy. Shit. Like here. I am doing comedy and I get this girl from the moving in with her and she has no idea I'm doing drugs No idea and what do you tell her like? Oh, yeah, I hate drugs too. Yeah saying all the drugs. I'm part of there

It's fucking crazy this late I'm part of there And she throws me out. She goes that's it. We can't we can't date no more. This is too crazy. You're doing drugs And I got a place in fucking Boulder And it had to be like December of 93 at that point. It was right before the fucking holidays I got a place in Boulder. I got a job selling cars and I would make them give me a thousand dollars advance If they wanted me to hire me in a car because I spoke Spanish And the Spanish market was heating up

And guys I dove into comedy like I never dove into anything in my life Like I got the notebook I had the golds I was out every night the worst case scenario. I did poetry night That was worst case scenario I would go to a poetry night and go in there and they do three minutes and they say like a dirty joke And they didn't tell me to leave But I would not

The same way I was addicted to coke that I would wake up and go. How am I getting money for coke today? I would wake up and go. Where am I getting on stage tonight? Next thing, you know, I started making waves Like little waves like people started calling me remembering Denver. I was making 30 dollars 18 dollars The black room gave you 15 dollars and three drink tickets on saturday El Torrito gave you a 25 dollar gift certificate and a free dinner So it was a different comedy scene So I have all the 94 dogs. I remember just hustling and then

June of 94 I got a call from Jimmy a beta that HBO was looking for three comedians to open up for Carlos Mancia On the HBO tour he was doing So we had to do three shows with two shows new Mexico, Colorado Springs and Denver And Jimmy sent my tape in and I got on and I so Boom right off the bat. So now everything in my life was shit I was still a drug addict, you know, I was having problems with my wife, but the comedy was on point

Like I was starting to make strides. I was starting to do spots at the lat at the comedy works Little spots, you know, I was fucking Doing spots for this guy bill bow or every other thursday at this club I was a little working comic was I paying bills? No I was making anywhere from five to six hundred a month But at least I was in it. Now I was hooked. It was like a drug I was in it to win it and I was doing about 16 spots a month But at the same time I was taking a beat with my wife with the attorneys and the money

So I took a job I had gotten fired from this job before for doing coke on the job But I I worked for a sports betting service and the guy ran it like Hitler He was he was very good. He was two jewish guys. They were very good at what they did A.J. Benzo worked for them in long island when you work for them You got really good at what you did. They fired me the second the first time around But when I went back to colorado something happened one of the top guys quit started his own company

Kurt who was smart and jewish didn't want me to go to that company So he goes, what would it take you to come back here? Right down what you need every month and I'll pay you that plus extra if you come work here So I threatened it with almanini for a while like I'm gonna go work for al And then Kurt said I'll give you the money. So Kurt gave me the money. So now I was pretty much set. I made Kurt pay for an attorney for me to see my baby The guy's name was Barry Seiko. That thing was a really good attorney in boulder So he started leveling shit off of me. So it got leveled for a while 94 was a great year comically

Because I was committed to it like I knew that this is it Everything else was just background music at this point I knew I was on to something the carl's been see a thing Carlos gave me his number You know, I put you said to me. I give people second chances I put Carlos on this podcast at that time because of what he did to me in 93 and 94 You follow me even in 97 Carlos put my name down to For me to showcase at the store

So whether he's a joke thief, you know, all that stuff, that's true But he also did help me and I can't take that away from That's why I put him on the podcast because of what happened between us in 94 He was really good to me after they told me to call him if I've had problems Or if I hadn't and I didn't abuse it. I called him when I had a serious comedy question Right, so that's when I called him but The shit with my ex-wife and me it was heating up. It was horrible So now it's december 94

I'm fucking rocking and rolling money-wise. I had the best money-wise. I had I think I made 60 grand in december from sports back in december Yeah, december is your biggest month because you have you have basketball, right? You're pro basketball college basketball pro football and college football bowls and hockey That's the apex of gambling Is december and people hustle to make money for the holidays Jesus Christ. Oh, I was getting paid but all my money went to attorneys

Every time you pick up that phone to complain it's 400 So I was getting three thousand dollar bills a month from an attorney league You have no fucking idea So everything is running smooth everything's running great And I got a letter Handwritten letter a week before christmas That I'm not getting the baby till december 30th

And I went nuts. I'm like, what do you mean? I'm not getting the baby on christmas. They're going away. I'm like, they can't go away Read the divorce agreement And they go, no, they're going away and I call this Barry seiko guy. I'm like, hey man Look at the fuck in a moment. They can't leave the state without written permission from the court And Barry's like, it's the 23rd. There's nothing I could do It's the 23rd december. I can't call an emergency whatever I said, really? Okay

And I got off the fucking phone and I stood in that little apartment and the apartment the size of this And me going back to new york Put me back together It made me the person I was before I left. I wasn't fearful anymore That's what going home does for you. It takes away that fear That's why when I went home, I put together the pieces of my comedy career because I knew exactly what I had to do now I remember when I went home. This is how you do things. You don't do things. I'll people tell you You do things you grab things by the balls and you fucking go for it

and I had the same thing with With the divorce like I was pissed that I was spending all this fucking money on an attorney I didn't have this money for an attorney. I was fucking pissed You know, I'm spending good money on an attorney because you want to play games Because you don't want to give me the kick as there was dog hair in the corner You know, shit like that because you found out I was dating a stripper like you had to judge you she had She thought she could judge me on all this shit So that christmas eve morning that christmas

That next morning I woke up And in my house, I had never cooked. I had one of those little knives and a fork And just beer and water in the refrigerator and I got in my little fucking car And I went over to the cuban's house and they had one of those knife racks And she was home and I go my day. I'm cutting some meat at the house Can I borrow a knife from you and she kind of looked at me weird? She goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah And it was like, you know, you have the set of knives that big fucking butcher knife you have

I took that thing and I put under my jacket. I go. I'm going to kill john I was going to kill my ex-wife's husband wanting for all this I said, that's it. I'm not taking these people's shit no more I go listen, man. I've got a fax machine And I'll send jokes to Jay Leno That was my plan Because Jay Leno was paying 25 dollars a joke then Do they only have a fax machine in prison?

Yeah, they let you have a fax or you could fax it from the warden's office or whatever In my mind, I was going to go to a prison and faxed jokes I drove the baseline I walked past the receptionist downstairs like I was going to kill the motherfucker She's like, come back, come back. Yeah, yeah, come back my ass I went upstairs. I fucking opened the door like I owned the joint and the reception with the man Oh, it was John And she didn't know I was pissed. She was like, chon balls. She goes, you just missed him

He went out for lunch and I was like and then I didn't know what to do with the security came up and there's there's a problem I don't know. I thought a friend of mine was stuck up here And I walked out to the car with the knife and I remember I broke down in the car and started crying I was like, I was just gonna kill a motherfucker I was just about to do life in fucking jail to kill this motherfucker And I cried in the car for like 30 minutes and I drove the knife back And the next morning I got a call like somebody must have told John I was down there because the next morning when I woke up

I had a page from my ex-wife would drop the kid off at 11 They knew I wasn't fucking around They dropped the kid off and then again, I had no money for Christmas I had to go shop with toys And I decorated the apartment and I remember that there was I went to kmart and next to kmart There was a christmas tree place And they had christmas trees outside and they said take a take a tree just leave the money and the thing And I went over and I took the most expensive tree like the one Henry hell brought home and good fellas with snow on it

and shit And I went over to the envelope and there was like 200 bucks and then I took the cash with me That's how much of a degenerate I was I took that cash and I bought chinese food the Jackie and I scotch taped the walls and I did a bunch of shit And when she came oh, we had a pretty fucking good christmas And that's how I made christmas, but that motherfucker was looking at and stab him But right off the bat like that next day. I got a call from a friend of mine rick currents And he said that he had a gig for me and like rivets in Wyoming or something like this

The first week after new years like january 5th and 6th that type of shit fourth and fifth Lee it was the coldest I had ever experienced in my life I had never experienced cold weather like that ever ever It was two feet of snow and all four shows were sold out. It was like a barn with the heaters That's fucking crazy And the green room must have been cold. There was no green room. What fucking green room are you talking about? The green room is a bar. There's no green room in those days. There was a barn in fucking rivets in Wyoming You don't even know what green room is. What green room are you talking about?

I don't know but I was because we were talking at the beginning of the podcast about how Like you just get caught up in something and something happens Yeah, that was you you got so into your head that you almost killed somebody and if he had decided to Finish one thing before lunch you might have I might have been done That's so funny two days later my phone rang my page went off and it was Rick Kearns giving me that gig And I was like, thank god it didn't kill them Yeah, you know, thank god and then I was at the sports betting service one night on the monday night

And the phone call came in and I was waiting for all my life It's so funny that now we goof on it. I gotta call from david triple When david triple called you you had made it Like that's it David triple is a booker that books the pacific northwest anywhere from seattle Anywhere from like the canadian border all the way out to montana His reach goes all the way out to like the in those days that went all the way to the coders A little bit of nebraska all the way oming all of colorado a little bit of new mexico

A lot of fucking nevada A lot of nevada nothing las vegas like alco nevada And went with a muck of nevada places that you never even heard of and you don't want to go to Like you don't want to go to win a muck of nevada the casino there like all those casinos are like People with oxygen masks and people have dead and shit like that So when triple called me triple called me he goes, hey, I got a gig for you But if it works out, I have all the work you want in the world And he goes, I got a fallout in the broker tomorrow night

So I had been banned from the broker I had been thrown out for pushing that manager when the books fell down Okay, but now He goes you're going back there tomorrow night and if you do good, I'll throw the book at you I'll give you the rest of my fucking work for the year And I invited all my friends down there packed the place and when I got down there There was one manager down that was in charge of comedy and I used to do coke with him all the time So I went back and I go dough. You gotta give me a good report. He goes dog. I got your headlining next time

He gave me like flying colors. So it's not who you know what I am like I could have bombed and he wrote a report that said I did great He sent it to triple the next day. I called triple. I followed up. He said, let me see what opens up I didn't hear from fucking triple for months I was pissed I was fucking heartbroken, man I was fucking heartbroken

And one night I'm driving back from a gig and he called me like midnight And he goes, where are you? And I'm driving back from a gig. I'm gonna pay for one And he goes give me a fax number Just going on the road tomorrow morning I didn't even have a fan. I didn't know who the facts had a call somebody who had a fax named sammy And he gave me a fax and he put me in Ogden, Utah He put me in a couple places. He gave me like a week first And I did that week for him and I rented a car

And like I told you the universe works for you. I was I became friends with a guy at the sports betting service and not a lot of people would talk to he was very introverted But he was from long island and everybody called him with ratso riso Ratso riso was the best salesman in that fucking set on that sales that sports betting company He was brilliant Ratso riso weighed 400 pounds. He was a sweetheart. He was very ashamed of it Because at night him and his girlfriend just went home and at that time

There was a company in Boulder that would deliver homemade cookies and ice cream to you. Oh my god And he would order it every night. He would tell me dog. I ordered all four because they had combinations Like butter pecan with chocolate chip coconut Or like vanilla swirl with oatmeal each cookie was everything He would send them to my house like the cookies like he was cool as shit with me riso Rizzo also did something else. Rizzo was my friend that I could ask him for anything Like I told him one day that I had a problem with cocaine I told him the truth and he was making so much money in the office that I would just say on riso

I need a hundred bucks And he would give it to me and he goes I'm putting on a tab some day. You'll pay me this money Every fuck on tuesday night. He would give me a ride home and I go I need 200 300 200 So after a few weeks of renting cars and going on the road a friend of mine worked a national rental car and he would rent me cars cheap I had to get a car. I didn't know what the fuck to do and Mike Kessler who's been on the podcast He got me a car. He goes. I found your dotson 210

It's 60 it was beautiful It was like, I don't know what year it was but I had like 80,000 original miles It was a four door little car. I think the owners wanted like a thousand bucks for an 800 bucks And I had to get insurance and shit, but I had like three days to get the money I didn't have the money remember I told you when you commit to the universe I went to riso like a man when I go riso. I'm gonna bind I want to buy this car right away. He's like, let me buy you a Mustang

Like that's the type of guy he was. He's like, I don't want you in a car. I don't want to be in a car. I go, no, bro And we went we looked at the car. He paved the car Holy shit, and he bought me that car. He goes, that's my investment in you. Hopefully one day you'll be able to pay me back He bought me a dotson b 210 And that was my open mic I fucking went on the road for triple after that I used to stay on the road and hide a hole Till midnight and then drive all night to see my daughter at two o'clock

I wouldn't sleep at all. I would drive all fucking night And at this time it's like april And i'm starting to get spots at the fucking comedy works. Now i'm starting to get star spots Fucking star spots. I'm like, holy shit. That means i'm getting 10 minute spots That means i'm gonna be a regular any fucking day now So You know me and my wife we would go back and forth like it would be okay for four months Then there would be drama for four months. Then it would be okay for four months

Well, we were cool for like four months. We were cool till about april And then she started with a shit about changing the baby's name or some shit And he had said something to me one day He came up to me the boyfriend said something about taking it to a movie And i spit in his face when i found out that he said the two guys to beat me up I just didn't want him even as a friend. Like don't even talk to me, bro I know exactly what you did. You sent two people to beat me up. Now you're parading around like a good person I don't like you people at all

Both of yous don't need to say a fucking word to me And i was just looking for an excuse like they were both getting on my fucking nerves Constantly i kept getting these letters from lawyers and shit of what i could do and what i couldn't do And they didn't know how thin they were writing on on clear like they were fucking walking on thin ice Like i was doing well in comedy But i was also struggling Like i was fucking struggling guys

I didn't have lesions. I didn't have i was delivering fucking chinese food You know, i was struggling like i was struggling and i liked comedy that took my mind off things But i was still struggling i was still in pain That was my daughter. I mean, you don't know what pain is till you smell your daughter and she smells like another man You have no idea what pain is so that's what pain is, you know, so that's where all that stand that was coming from that fucking pain I was going through But usually somebody has to pay for that fucking pain So one day i was fucking picking her up from daycare and she asked me something about a beater

And spanked she says whenever you call the house John always says the bean is on the phone And i never forget being in the car that day going, you know what man? This motherfucker's going down today I don't give a fuck about jail. I don't give a fuck about prison I don't give a fuck about anything And i had a meeting mother say for you and i showed up and i left the baby in the car And i went up to him and i said tell me the truth tell me you said it you'll be off the hook and he kept saying i didn't say it

And i'm saying so you told you you calling my daughter. You're a stepdaughter a liar Just say you said it you're off the hook and he goes i'm calling the police so i smacked him twice I punched him in the head one time i smacked him another time and i'll tell you what that smack i felt so liberated Like every piece of pain i had in my body went away after i smacked him in the fucking head The cops came didn't arrest me and they gave me a ticket And i got away with it again But the beauty of it was my daughter was in the car. She was crying And i saw that and i go again

She doesn't need this shit. That's when i really started realizing things Like, you know what man? I didn't fucking kill him. I got these gigs I was broke I was doing drugs. It was right around the time the guy blew up oklahoma city That happened that year nirvana all this shit was going on It wasn't affecting me But what was affecting me was my battle with my wife and now i fucking smacked this guy now I gotta go to court

Then my wife tried to pull some other civic shit on me some other civil shit And i went to court and believe it or not. I caught a break and i beat him in court I beat him in court The judges like the next time you don't show up with the kid. It's contempt and this and this and this And i say the story a thousand times and we walked out of that courtroom I just unloaded on him her her attorney And they tried to get the arresting officer

From my case in to testify against me that i was up to something I laid into that motherfucker too. I just went off. I didn't give a fuck about cops or judges What time i told the attorney what i thought of her i told my ex-wife what i thought of her I fucking said things i shouldn't have said i said a bunch of shit in front of her boy And it was so funny because by the time they walked in a car the boyfriend was 10 feet away from her He his face was red and she was crying. I called the attorney a cunt 80 times I called the cop a fucking cunt 80 times He kept saying say another word and i kept talking and i go you can't arrest me for talking

You can't arrest me for telling the truth i'm just telling you what i feel And when i got in the car i broke down because i had one but i had really lost He didn't have a daughter i had one no i had my daughter now i could get my daughter But what good is i'm not gonna do i'm not a fucking father i wasn't I i couldn't even take care of myself I couldn't even fucking i would pay the i would get the rent you know i would pay the rent

I would call bill bow and go bill i don't have four and an ounce for the rent Give me gigs And he would pay my rent and i would do the gigs make up the gigs in the month. He would give me like my homing Greeley and Something else in denver and that's how i paid my rent. I barely was paying fucking rent, man But i started getting work and i got a weekend in baltimore and i drove to baltimore and the guy kept me for another week wow And then i got a week todd jordan we were supposed to go to the bahamas

I got a week in the fucking bahamas with todd jordan And i was supposed to take the flight like on a tuesday he was going to florida to do like Two gigs and then i was going to meet him in miami on wednesday While he was doing the gig monday night. He got appendicitis And they had to do emergency surgery So he i lost the gig to the bahamas and then I got a call from wendy

I call him on monday for spots To open up for george lopez The two star spots And i got a call back from wendy two days later. She goes you've been banned from the club For sexual harassment because you grab some girls ass. I got nothing grabbed nobody's ass And that went back and forth and i just had nothing going on. What what am i going to do staying denver and do what? So this is the first five years Of my open mind career

And so i went to michigan i met a girl in michigan. She told me on the way to seattle she was going to stop and see me She came to boulder. She stopped and see me and i realized Beside my daughter. Why am i living in boulder? Why am i living in boulder beside my daughter to get abused? And then one day i took my daughter to the park and she had a bicycle Had a bicycle and we were riding in this path And she sped up away from me and they go checky stop slow down and when i finally caught her she spit in my face And i was like, you know what something's not kosher here

I'm not going no way and the girl kept calling me from seattle saying she saw the underground and that the club's around the corner from my house And again, it's not What i did it's a decision you make I really wanted a second chance right so i said fuck it I'll go to seattle for the summer and do some time and come back in september If you want me to lie to you guys i'll lie to you guys. I know i wasn't coming back I paid the rent till september to make myself come back in september But then something happened as i was getting ready to leave fucking seattle

I got a call from john fox to open up for lori kill martin On labor day weekend 1995 is a feature so it's gonna be the first feature gig i ever got Without anybody's help I got it on my own talent. What would you do? Would you go back to boulder? Or would you do the feature set? Because once i did the feature spot now i feature that the underground that means all the other bookers would give me work around the area Now my life was that much easier now when i called you i said i just featured at the underground you could feature me now

I mean From a comedy point of view i understand it, but i also understand that leaving your family or your daughter It was very rough But again, it was like going back to when i was fucking 16 What are the chances Of me Being the dad and getting it together at that time I was doing blow five nights a week

And I was never gonna i was fighting for something That i didn't want anyway I was making this big fuss in my head About this father that i wanted to be and meanwhile i had no leg to stand on The only thing i had going for me was stand-up comedy And at one point i couldn't i got thrown out of the comedy works and then there was no reason for me to go back And once i got the gig in seattle like i just got signs

I just kept getting signs Of me to pursue what i was pursuing You know once i got the feature act there i started getting work from pat wilson I started getting work from the other clubs. I started getting work from giggles I got work from there was a guy that booked the improv alberto a cuban guy Now i was a working comic in seattle, right? It I'm just thinking about the process you went through and like what you call the ablinking pants or clothes

All everything else you talked about was kind of cut and dry like this is good. This is bad This is kind of the biggest one and also it's both sides. It's great for your comedy But it's not on the other side. It could be a bad thing. Oh, i lost my daughter Right now how you have to look at it is I lost a life to gain life I didn't have a life Well it involved. I didn't have a life. I didn't have an identity. I was a convict I was in the system. I wasn't end up in the system

There was no way once you're in the system is very rough to get out of the system I had gotten out of the system, but I was treading on it I was treading on that system and I wasn't going nowhere. That's number one number two. I had to think about the child I had to think about the child and what I had to offer the child What did I have to offer the child 10 hours a week? I was always fucking I wasn't high when I was with her on cocaine, but I was probably I am marijuana You know just recently one day. I was eating that with mercy somewhere I think we're at McDonald's or something after a fucking swim session

And I had to ask myself something 20 years ago That poor woman had to be crazy To give me that child for five hours She must have been going through hell Thinking what can he possibly do with that child? You know like that's the truth. That's the fact. You want the truth? I mean I wasn't prepared to have a child for five hours twice a week There was no way

There was no way I had her one night In three years from 91 we separated. I stayed there till 95 one night My wife gave it to me and I like One in the morning I had to go out and get a bag of coke And I left her in the house with my roommate that downstairs sleeping. What could have happened guys? I could have crashed on the way back. I had no responsibilities. I had no

I didn't care about anything, but my addiction and cocaine and comedy I loved the child. I still love it today. I still love with all my heart today I just wasn't ready to be a man So what what side do you put this on them? Gerber I'm in the middle. It's it's like a hypocritical move in a way I had to give up a life to get a life But what do you think what would have happened if you had stayed

I wouldn't be in on a podcast right now if I was staying I would have been in prison right now I've just been getting out for something for this all door A drug violation or because it was just going to get worse on her angle She was already starting to make up lies my ex-wife Like now the lives are starting to come out like she said something that really bothered me in court one time That was a lie flat out a lie She had no pictures no proof and if I did what I did you have proof And I knew I'm not the type of person. I told you something a couple weeks ago

You know the difference between my friends out here and my friends I grew up with I never had to tell them something I'm the same way You don't have to tell me something. You don't have to tell me when to go You don't have to tell me when to stay. You don't have to tell me when I have to leave the room. I know it I know when it's time to go. I know when it's time to fold Nobody's ever had that's a gift knowing That you know again, I regret quitting basketball. It was the first time I proved to myself I was a loser

But I regained that face when I stuck with comedy for 27 years I never wanted to live in that position of not knowing what could have happened If I would have quit comedy and just been a father and stayed in boulder You know my income salary is in boulder. There's a ceiling in boulder $12 now I would have worked for the sports betting guys. There was dead disbanded today All those guys ended up crazy because they were dabbling in other people's karma It was bad karma. They were selling bad information. All those guys ended up not in a good way All those guys ended up not in a good way

So the decisions I made must have seemed a little rusty. Yeah I was fucking doing arm robberies and I was an open microwave. There was a lot to pay for But I got out of my system We'll keep it up to 95 now and we'll do part two some other time. Okay. We have more time I appreciate you guys listening one more time. I want to give a shout out. Listen, man If you're really serious about your health, you're serious about what you put in it You're serious about your mind. I love alpha brain I go in and on I do six week cycles alpha brain and I can tell the difference in my writing

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I love all that stuff the jerky. I just got the bars the protein bars. They're the fucking delicious Go to honor.com right now and press in church boom and get 10 off Delivered to your house like I told you motherfuckers at the beginning of this show if you haven't noticed it's football season bitches Since I started this podcast people been asking me for advice Sometimes people ask me what team they've been on until they realized I went like oh and eight and three weeks And I don't fuck with me no more the truth is I don't know who's who's gonna win But I knew the one thing for sure

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My b o o k Ie and don't forget to use promo code church When you're creating your account to claim up to a thousand dollars in free play All right, my bookie you play you win you get paid bitches We'll be back Wednesday ready a rock and roll. Don't forget. There's a few tickets left for the parkasino in philadelphia I'm september 15th September 14th the 930 club is sold out But they're gonna add a 930 show the will be sold out

But there's still tickets in mohegan's son bitches. So get your shit together. That's my only work I'll see the rest of you guys next saturday at the ice house 7 30 I love you motherfucker. Stay black. Have a great monday. I hope you had a great summer. Happy labor day Kick this mule fucking lee You Never mentions the word addiction Come

In certain Yes, she'll tell you she's an orphan After you meet her family You Paint her eyes black as night now Oh Shades Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain comes

The pain gonna make everything all right There's any Hey She keeps a lock up here in a pocket She wears a cross around And Yes, the hair is from the little boy And the cross of someone she has not met

This he talks to me This there I don't know one day Hey There's a color She don't know no No Hey Hey

Oh, yeah, there's a smile when the pain comes The pain, you wanna make everything all right Oh, yeah, there's a smile when the pain comes The pain, you wanna make everything all right Oh, yeah, there's a talk of the ranger There's a call around my name Oh, yeah, yeah, there's a call around my name Oh, yeah, there's a call around my name

Oh, there's a talk of the ranger There's a call around, yeah, there's a call around There's a call around my name