Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #620 - Jeff Danis and Ryan O'Neill

Episode Date: September 24, 2018

Jeff Danis and Ryan O'Neill, comedians, writers (including the web series "Daddy Know's Best), and the hosts of the "Danish and O'Neill podcast, join Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Deposit after 7pm EST and they will give you another $25 in free play.   Onnit.com - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 09/23/2018.
  

Greetings from podcastville. It's Monday September 24th. The podcast is brought to you by on it You know me dog. I've been one on it for years now I love their products from the shroom tech sport to the shroom tech immune You know me. I'm flying to Boston this weekend I pop like eight of those amunes on the plane cuz you don't know who's gonna be on the plane foreigners You don't know and you're always gonna be prepared But anyway, go to other dot com right now and press in church and get 10% off your order Listen football seasons and fucking high tail the Cleveland Browns one after 2000 fucking years

You know, New England just lost two in a row. You could be making money You understand me like Joey. How am I gonna make money? You know how my bookie? Listen, it's not what you bet is as important as who you bet with that's why I always tell people to bet with my Bookie. I only recommend a service to my listeners. That's been good to me the church family That's why I'm urging you to make your way to my bookie. You win. They pay now This is what we're gonna do this week my bookie so slammed with new bettas throughout the day What they're gonna do is they want you to have the best service possible So after seven o'clock, they're gonna give you the national twenty five dollar free play on deposits over a yard stick

That's a hundred dollars. So go to my bookie calm right now My bookie will match your deposit dollar-for-dollar use promo code church. Take this fucking mule Lee Oh shit Monday morning September 24 Zulu fucking nation. Oh shit. Oh shit Oh Africa Zambala on a Monday morning Give it to me, baby What

The church what's happening now you bad motherfuckers Monday morning Rocking the whole fucking week slinging dick. We're giving up fucking club stuff cookies We got Danish we got O'Neill We got the Christ killer We got Uncle Joey, we got Africa Zambala This one black people with black people no fucking around you understand me everybody had a fucking knife here we go Everybody had a knife

What's happening you bad motherfuckers Uncle Joey here, it's a beautiful day to be alive I got guys that I want to be on the podcast for the last fucking 10 years, but I just don't bump into you as much I know fucking we made it man. Thanks again. Thanks for having us. I was the weekend Dude, I don't even know if weekends exist anymore. It's like dude. We're comic every day. Yeah 724 taking it to the hoop For me the weekends are the worst because people are out man I do shit during the weekday because everyone's working. Yeah, that's when you go out and do shit You live the work week is basically a weekend as a comic and then you know you kind of you kind of reversed It's it's weird that the bullshit they sold us as kids

Gonna work 35 hour weeks. We were lucky. We're gonna work 10 hours a week of overtime Yeah, Saturday. We had a mow the lawn Then on Sunday, you got pretty much everyone was yeah, that's it everyone we know that doesn't doesn't live that lifestyle I don't know like out here. No, no, not at all. Yeah, people don't have class Yeah, no, these are like people don't have that Don't have a party unless a celebrity's coming over then you know, they're making a big fucking deal But I'm talking about just that was a dream that was sold to us They needed to sell it though in order for us to become consumers to run this fucking economy

But that's the dream we were so we're gonna work five days a week and have two days off and put money away And then go on a cruise ship And hope the motherfuckers and hit an iceberg you wear the shirt and tie during the week sweater on the weekend khakis And it's weird. It's uh It's a it's a fucked up day When you come to realize that you got to work Saturdays and Sundays. That's a that's a fucked up day like when you You just have to learn it most people learn it like at 17 or 18 Some motherfuckers learn at 14 like I learned to like at 14 Saturday and Sunday cartoons done the cartoons

Yeah, that's over. I said no no more pop. I know more fucking pop. I we got to get up You got to go to the Bronx and run around the neighborhood make sure there's no cop cars in the neighborhood shit like that You know, but you then yeah, then you start with the fucking Sunday And then you go to college or whatever and you realize that you're in the library Saturday and Sunday you really are you're doing homework and if you're really doing something You're in a library on Sunday or Saturday. Oh, you're with a group of people do it So you're when you're hungover and you realize that you're hungover You can't really do the fucking work. So at what point do you realize that the American dream the 40 hour week was bullshit?

You know, I meet people out here that have three jobs legit, you know Morning job a fucking two nights a week. They do something and then Saturday and Sunday. They're banging out ten hours a day the coffee shop That's just a cover rent car payment and a fucking comedy show once a month. Yeah, you know, think about that The I remember when we got into a comedy, you know, you Distinct shifted like I always knew I wasn't gonna be a positive influence in the regular workplace I always knew I knew it at the age of ten. Did you ever have a nine-to-five job ever? I really tried to be an American? I really fucking tried But I knew as a kid. I like my mother's lifestyle my mom owned the business and she worked nights

There was something about that freedom in the daytime with everybody else's at work That got my dick hard. Yeah, you could do whatever the fuck you want So she would do was hours worth of work from 9 30 to 10 30 open the bar a bartender would come in and she'd boogie out of there She'd go home finish as she was doing at home catch the afternoon bet game Go home cook dinner and then jump back in the jersey at six and then work the bar till three Were you always up late as a kid? Yes, so you know from very young you were you had late hours. Yes And then I always had a problem sleeping and then then what I did get to sleep and

She would wake me up at three in the morning when she got home anyway. Tell me about a day and make me So I was always you're being groomed for comedy. No, I didn't mean to I like stand-up I like prior the Alms, but I thought it was always like a far away go or far away back Then it was I don't know how many people watched it and was like hey I can do that we're now it seems a lot more accessible obviously with podcasts and how much stand-up there is then it was it Seems such a far away thing to be like even say I want to do stand-up people that for the fuck are you talking about in the early 70s? It was David Brenner. It was Richard Pry was George Carlin and A couple other guys and Freddie Prince came along

There was a couple other guys that you knew from the tonight show if they were gonna be uh, yeah, then you'd stay up There was no DVR and no You fucking missed it. Yeah, you fucking don't take a piss man. You better hold it So growing up in New York you had the honeymoon is an 11 and then the outcouple 11 30 so from 11 30 to to 1215 you'd be Physically pushing, you know, zero 11 11 4 there was no rewatch What's that button your last channel last channel? There was no

There was no last channel That's we'd have to use when your kid watching softcore porn if anyone else was in the house You'd have to have your last channel queued up to something that you knew what it was So if they walked in the room there titties you could go to that light. Oh I'm watching MTV. What are you talking about? This is everything's cool. Did either of your dads have a VHS porn because I had to go I had to remember the time where it was and the wind to make sure Well, let me tell you this so we had a motel I grew up in a motel my parents owned so to special customers They'd give him a descrambler and so my dad would have to go downstairs in the basement and change the porno movie out

Like every hour so we'd be watching Dallas and he'd be like close your eyes at a commercial Because he had to check to see if the porno was done, but he'd watch it for like four or five minutes So I'm just fucking watching this. I'm like four years old watching porno's and then he would go Oh, the movie's almost done. So we got to go downstairs and change the new porno So you grew up in a hotel Yeah, so I know it's a nine-to-five job because my mom would run the motel during the day and then my dad would stay there at night And so then we used to live there and then once my little sister was born We got a house in town about a mile away because it's just too small. You always on call though without all 24-7 for

35 years my mom Shit you see the hotel Jesus man. I mean a lot of times my mom would be like hey Can you go check to see if this if this guy hasn't checked in in a few days? Nobody's seen am I go in there and the dude's just dead either drink himself to death or fucking suicide I mean everything that you can imagine like what you know because in the 80s people would stay there like families would stay If you're on a road trip and then the 90s people started going it was in Valparaiso, Indiana Which is what's the closest Chicago's like 60 miles away? Wow, so it's like but it's pretty rural. We had a guy

He fucked a chicken to death in the early 2000s in there It was like a big piece like Leno did Hotel or just in your town no no in the in the hotel my dad found the feathers and like the carcass and shit What was this guy wearing a boa? Oh, no, he's fucking chickens again. And so He called the guy's mom because the guy's mom had put this guy a guy was and he's really fucking off You can see a picture of him online though one eyes down Below his cheekbone those people with the fucked up eye And they're not smoking at all okay, I don't trust people with those sleepy eyes. I never did I got a sleepy eye

That's why I don't trust nobody was sleepy It's like looking in a mirror. Yeah, it's fucked up But the sleepy eye was doing the coke to do the sleepy eye from doing like more sign of my right eye We just started. Yeah, I got a droopy eyelid, too. I got hit in the head with a two by four Nerve damage that is fucking crazy finding people. I Yeah, the last thing I don't want to do is find somebody dead From either a gunshot wound or suicide my price or somebody hang on I would fucking Oh, that'd be yeah, my brother found a guy who killed himself. This was like early 80s

He was probably like six we had geese in the backyard So in the morning he would have to let the geese out and so we saw a guy in his car Who would later we'd found out committed suicide he ran a hose through the tailpipe And this was probably like 83 and it turned out he had AIDS and this was like before anybody knew anything about AIDS So this guy just thought he was done So he killed himself and my mom had to go clean out his trailer And she was like none of you guys can come in here because I don't want you guys to get AIDS because people thought it was fucking Airborne people think you get it from a toilet seat

So she was just like but somebody had to clean out the trailer and re-rent it how old were you in 85 84 85 I was like six. How do you see them? How old were you in 85 4? Oh 83 I was Five five years old remember the big so obviously you remember the AIDS care. Mm-hmm like people lost Yeah, fucking I remember even in the 90s like with Magic Johnson people thought he was he was a goner by by 91 It is it was still but 80 86. Oh my fucking god

That's when they were talking about like handshakes and shit You might get it from a fucking handshake. It was still fucking, you know poor Gay men were getting fucking abused But it helped me because that's what I got went to prison So they built an AIDS unit and there were six beds But they had four of them in the bed like four get guys with HIV in the unit so it was It was

There's room it was two units that were two rooms that were open and There were two units that were open and I would hang out in there like everybody knew to hang out in the age unit Because they explained it to us. There was four guys that had a HIV So instead of people being weird to them they came out and would talk to us about it Four guys were gay. Well, that's what they told us at the time. They told us that they had all gotten it from intravenous use You know, listen, I don't have HIV so obviously hanging out with them Yeah, but it was really like that's how Even prisons that don't give a fuck prisons don't give a fuck

They work a year behind schedule You know, yeah, when it came to HIV Everybody was fucking quick fast Like in a way it was kind of like governmental, but it was in a way It was like let's build something to get away from these fucking people like here's this prison camp that was there So Lincoln was there and right next to it though of all of a sudden they built this beautiful fucking six room condo with fucking a kitchen of microwave

Refrigerator, you know the whole fucking deal. It was just It was tremendous to watch. I don't know what the fuck we're talking about It's tough though to tough thing to have to get the HIV to get into the nice digs. It's a tough price to pay Price of admissions a little little pricey. You're like, I'll be a friend of theirs and go hang out But how crazy is this that those guys got me through that prison sentence? Yeah, it's like it was me him there was a Four or five of us that hung out full-time in the hiv unit And there were two particular guys that had hiv that had hung with us

and they were hilarious The one black we were gamble we were gamble big in there and they controlled all the gambling Like we have controlled the third of the gambling in the prison and the one black guy that had hiv Would just taunt you and you couldn't beat him up. Is he already? Right, he already has a great defense man. Yeah, so he would just go Dennis it looks like your team who would you bet the browns? It looks like And they know if it's a fat lady sings, but she's busting out a limo right now and he would go walk walk walk walk

And that's what he would do to people. He was just talking talking guys. He would just taunt people to death. He would just keep going walk walk walk walk Oh my god, there was no there was a mexican guy that was like the original Leader of the mayans Oh the fucking like the motorcycle like he looked like it the whole thing Yeah, he had the tattoos everywhere, but he was a harrowing guy And the hiv guys were still doing heroin in there nobody bothered Like that's how much people didn't care they even fuck with them damn

How many guys do you think who you did time with have seen you on something like is that fucking? I don't think anybody you don't think anybody can you open that door real quick? I'm getting fucking that how expensive our needles like why is everyone's sharing needles all the goddamn time? Because when you're getting high right when you're getting high And you're in that fucking world, you know us three hook up It's like the way we smoke a joint we share a needle. Don't you? Oh All right, listen. Lee. I'm fucking scary. Lee. Do I share needles? No? No I mean you don't

People are still sharing needles now and they know shit. Yeah, like they didn't know I don't share fucking needles So I don't know anything about that world, but it's weird that That's when you're getting high. You're that far gone. Yeah. Yeah, you're that far gone Yeah, I don't think the priorities are you know, let me make sure I just mean I just met him at the train station I just met him at the train station north hollywood He got me he got me to a guy that sold me a four dollar bag of h and part of his thing Is that he gets a taste So now we walk over we get to meet each other

You're from whatever boston or from jersey. Holy shit. You're busting red sauce. I like the Yankees. We come over here And it's just like when a guy tells you he's got hiv We come over here and also we're like, all right, you I go. I don't have a rig I Don't have a rig and I haven't used in 10 hours So I'm gonna look at him and go he looks like a pretty trustworthy guy Right. He's from boston. I mean, what kind of him can he have what kind of disease can he have? This is same as not using a condom. I mean, it's like yeah, it's all the fucking time. You're like, yeah

Boom and all of a sudden I shoot in 10 years from now. I got a cough I'm getting a little dizzy. I go to the hospital. They tell me I have hiv and I go. Yeah, but I'm not gay Uh, uh, yeah, I know, you know, yeah, we know that No Whatever, you know, however it gets transmitted. That's how that's how quick it is Well, did you hear about the uh, and I forget the name of the group, but it was like punk rock artist in cuba who specifically Infected themselves with hiv or aids to like they got put into like a little like some

Housing with just them. So they wanted to get messed with Listen, you look over at a guy. He's like, I got fucking hiv and they give me all these benefits. Who knows Who the fuck knows why I do that shit? I don't live in cuba. So I can't tell you Maybe if I lived in cuba, I'd shoot myself with the I go down to the local cvs. You know what I'm saying? I want the heavy duty flu shot today. Give me the one on the rocks I Give me the one that gives you a fucking cough and foot sores, you know I'm saying so I can really complete the fucking process I don't know why

Where do you get this shit? Lee? You have too much time on your fucking hands to read this Are you a fan of the band see this shit? No, you never saw it. I think it was like a vice video or something No, I don't look at you I'm trying to feed the family. I got tired to look at the vice video. I thought you No, I don't give a fuck you but now I don't give a fuck. That's the people other like people sent me like videos I just put a thumbs up and keep moving on with my life. Yeah, I don't look at your fucking video I ain't got time. I might press that thing. They see now. I voted for trump and russia. You know what I'm saying? Like, you don't know what you're changing. So I don't have video people always think you have the weirdest allegiance to

Shit just because people think you have all this time. Yeah, I would have fuck ass tonight I wish I had time to sit in front of a computer and see who's tweeting what and what time I don't I get on there I say what I got to do Move the fuck on it. Yeah, sometimes somebody calls me go. Hey, I just sent you the details I tweeted it to you And uh, Twitter the message thing and I'll look at that or two of them the address to the podcast to them besides that I don't go. I don't read any articles on the fucking computer. Do I give a fuck if it's not on yahoo When I click in if it's not that first article on yahoo

You're out and I even give yahoo an extra second to click in that second one You know I'm saying yeah the first one is always some Trump shit Then the second one they show people running in the tropical storm. That's it. Yeah, who's always the same and just clicks on It's no more Kardashian stuff. No, that's they don't give a fuck anymore. You gotta scroll down pretty far to get to that shit I don't even scroll Like I was getting that top. That's it. I don't give a fuck about the news But you watch a world news tonight. Whatever that is. I watch world news today because I have dinner like a family person And at 6 30 you can't just run out on your fucking family

So you sit there you put tv on and I like I like the old lady the blonde lady for fucking 10 years I like Todd Diane Sawyer now. She retired. She moved on She went on to interview somebody last week sally field big yahoo. Like I was really excited about seeing that one Diane Sawyer She's been it since Bert Reynolds didn't she have a book out or something too at the same time She dated Bert Reynolds, right or married. Yeah, she married I just see her everywhere now that uh once he passed away you keep seeing stuff about sally Man sally field looks like a million fucking bucks. I don't think she's in plastic surgery No, I think she let it go naturally, which is fucking rare even for dudes

You look at like Elon musk. Have you ever seen that dude? No, you see what he used to look like when he was like 21 just bald scoots dudes now got hair plugs. Looks like he has chin implants all this shit Yeah, I saw him smoke the joint on rogue Isn't that crazy that that shit like change the stock price It what that did for me was let you know that podcast now people are going to pay more attention to podcast Yeah, yeah, that was just a step up when obama didn't marry it. Well, yeah when obama didn't marry it That was a step up for people. Yeah, like fucking obama did marry. That's a pretty step up Now Elon musk goes on rogan and smokes a joint on on rogan

I don't give that just gave podcasts enough up Thank me the television industry went home that night. No, we'll lose. Yeah, what are we doing? Yeah, they couldn't get them on They couldn't get them to smoke on world news tonight Diane Sawyer doesn't smoke She quit not even vice got him to smoke. Fuck that whole man water channel. What's the other one they got? Fuck you guys too He went on rogan took a joint hit a joint of it like he had been doing it for years his eye opened up. He looked like lee But he got just upped it for everybody. I don't know. Yeah, man

I think was that same week or the week before marin had paul mccartney. Yeah, it was like fuck I mean, it's two of them. That's tremendous. You imagine that like that podcast caused A multi-billion dollar company to go down like six fucking percent I mean, that's what a fucking power but then a week later. He's a world news tonight He's sending people to the moon and people sign it up. Yeah. No, I don't think it's gonna affect. I'm crazy The short-term thing and I wouldn't get listen listen to me. There is no way I learned That they don't let somebody regular Go up in the fucking

It's a chinese billionaire. That's you got it. Listen to me. It doesn't matter. But the chinese billionaire I don't get who the richest guy in the world is that plane will blow up like with that school teacher Yeah, I'm fine. I never forget that thing going up and be going She's never gonna make it. I swear to my daughter mercy That I never got a premonition like that before I remember still being what I was in the video store in snowmass village, colorado I was working and I had the tv and a bunch of people walked in and even before they launched I go I think it's not going to make it because they don't want to get the american public the idea No, I go shit. We gotta listen to this guy. What should we write? I didn't say it. I didn't say it. Yeah

When they all started yelling at a thing and the thing it's going down the school teacher from florida is dead That's a message. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I was watching that live in first grade. Yeah, the teachers were like, uh, Let's turn that off. Turn that the fuck off that killed people. But in my heart I swear to god, I knew that mission was never going to be complete Because they're not gonna let that happen. That's always worth spent billions of dollars Just have to go into the fucking move regular jones. Go up to fucking elan Elan must keeps failing at a fucking self-driving car. You're gonna trust a rocket ship to the moon. You're fucking dummies really Would you get in that car though?

With not even a million dollars Not even for a million dollars when I get in the self-driving car. Fuck that is the dumbest white people shit in the fucking world You got to be the dumbest, you know, what's that thing they call white? That's supremacy privilege Kind of shit ever that you get in the white car. You you deserve to fucking die in the 405 But you deserve for a truck to jump the ho v lane and to catch you for your car to go flames Don't never let that happen either Don't never let that happen either. You can't make it happen. Don't never let that happen either

Because that's one out of fucking that'll be responsible for one fucking accident per week one of those fucking stupid cars or somebody takes over the grid and it's responsible for like 200,000 people died Yeah, no, no, no, no all that should never happen. This guy's I don't care if it's a chinese billionaire That day will get shot down before it even starts If you think kennedy's head blew up with that fucking bullet hit him Wait, do you see that rocket blow up? And there was a complication and it set back three years of my lifetime nobody wants to go to the moon, but you're fucking business That'll never happen

Well, there's people who've signed up to like be the first group of people to move to mars permanently Yeah, and I know people who signed up to get it up the ass with Shaquille and me He's gonna put that big black dick up that fucking asshole either You need some old school guys like those bad ass guys the first guys to go to the moon like those guys could handle some Shit I could sell you I could bet all of you motherfuckers. I could disappear for five years and come back and sell mars vacations

on fucking late night tv like I'll come up at midnight when it's my time and start selling mars vacations Vibrators uh Time-chairs operators are there right now waiting for your call. Here's a bro short of mars It'd be just funny how many pamphlets you would send down Yeah And how many people you would close and get a deposit on I guarantee you I would get if I sent out a hundred pamphlets a week I would close 20 of those people a week. That's how good I am

Especially now at this age But I don't give a fuck. I was killing people on the phone when I was 21 I can't imagine what I could do to you now on the fucking phone with fucking mars time-chairs Mars time-chairs grab your american express card. This is how easy this is We're gonna it's it's 50 000 dollars. I'm not looking for 50 000 dollars. We're looking for 20 000 initial investment down payment Yeah, but my internal is the attorney can't see anything because your attorney's been talking out of it because it's a trip to mars I think you're fucking crazy. Okay. What we're gonna do is this grab your american express card It starts with a five. I think it starts with a five. That's discover whatever

What's it start with? How's it and every time they reject you? What's your how's your name starting to call? It's jose, right? Give me the j. How does it start j? You just keep closing And I will get 20 motherfuckers to sign up for mars trips and never see who gots joey mars. Diaz joey mars I will send you to wherever you want to go if you let me do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, you let me I'll send you wherever you want. There's there's enough people out there to enough fucking morons There's still people at home that are taking calls that are going to the bank and paying somebody on the corner

Because the irs is coming to the house. Yeah, man There's still people paying people online to get emails that they've inherited a million dollars But it went through london and you got to pay a Nigerian call my luke my luke A hundred thousand dollars to be a fucking africa. There's people that fall for that dumb shit every day I see it. I see people, you know, I tell you all the time why he hasn't borrowed 20 000 and opened up a podcast in school And put a picture of joe rogan be like joe rogan and put Billboards already put billboards all over hollywood. Yeah, put one in front of the grumblings one of those shitty impromptu groups All those shitty groups

Yeah, where you going from there the grumblings You know, man, dude. Yeah, he that's it. Yeah, but he don't want to do or do the late night talks Sell fucking tapes of you teaching people how to pocket. Oh, you have no idea. Clean up, man Clean up when I first got acting teachers this acting teachers get their balls fed right now And there's a dad writing a check because it's gonna teach movement. Get the fuck out of here What do you think queen latifah learn how to move an ice cube and to get up? I could make it active. I'm saying you just can't Fathom it. I met kids along the way that told me that I would bump into it seven years later I'm like you still going to acting class. Yeah, she told me I'm not ready yet

I saw a guy that wasn't ready for 10 years then he became an agent and then he got out of business altogether 10 years he spent for six years on a vanity job And then four at the other ripoff school on the brand And then fucking think about those stand-up classes too Like how are you going to teach anybody how to do fucking stand-up? I wouldn't pay for one of those. I wouldn't pay I wouldn't pay 50 over 50 dollars. I'd pay for a 50 dollar Stand-up workshop from a fucking working time. Yeah, but very how mean how often is it guys?

That's the teacher very rare 50 bucks is the most you should pay For a three hour seminar and something. Yeah, but some of these are like multi week. Remember they used to do the belly room Was it uh, greg dean's comedy school. Where was greg dean? I fuck I don't know disappeared somebody shot him He gave me his book once on stand-up comedy So he used to work the phones when they would do that and I mean it's just I mean it's I think that a comic needs a little guidance He wants to ask a couple questions in the beginning or just do a show like a veteran comic A friendly environment they give you that very friendly first show where it's ever all the students go up

So it's it's it's kind of like a padded. I paid 35 bucks for three weeks Unit yeah, that's not for it. It was three hours every Sunday for three weeks He covered comedy Stand-up that we did a performance and he gave you A little bit of critique But did he at all try to like stifle like if you say you had a joke that was like really you and they're like Well, I don't know if that's gonna fucking work. Why don't you do? Hey, I look like so-and-so had a baby or something Did they ever try to pull that time? It was really basic 101. Okay

Uh Open up with your second best joke close with your best joke It was the teacher. His name was I just You know what? I think he's pissed at me for something So everyone someone I hit him up on facebook. He's never hit me back. Nothing. I give a fuck. He's in florida Teaching improv classes or some shit, you know, you'd be his number one of the number one students Yeah, he was like he was like a stand-up guy And then early on he went to ships and him and his wife were like a comedy team that were part of him and his wife

with Like part of an improv troupe that was like fleetwood mech Like everybody started fucking everybody else's wife And it wasn't fucking drama behind the impromptu. Yeah, it was like when I first joined up with him I took that as a continuing education class at the university of colorado But you get it to like just get over some just get comfortable on stage because I mean Stand up as a art form. Like, you know, you're gonna have to fucking eat shit for years A lot of people don't think that I mean

I've heard if you ever heard comics, I've never bombed once. Oh, no, no, no, no, no I know comics that destroy every night. Oh, yeah all the time. That's how you know right there. Well, they tell you that Okay, but you've seen them and you're like, why? Yeah. Oh, no. No, it's I'm watching but yeah Yeah, you destroyed what about the guys that you see years later. They tell you to destroy and they haven't written a joke Yeah, you saw four years early Those are the ones that really scare the fuck out of me Or the guys that you've seen on their hbo special in like the 80s and then you see them and they're doing the same Shit, which one are you guys working at the store? Well, both did. Yeah

Where did you get that? He started we both I showed up there. Uh, I moved here in 2003 early 2003 He started working at the store. What a year before me. Yeah, I was there. I started working in 2003 at the store I did the open mic for like nine months started like Thanksgiving ish 2002 and then uh Yeah, I got hired probably like nine months later to work your work there for uh four years Did you become a regular should be yeah, she was she was at that weird time where you know, she was like I showcase for her

I don't know a dozen times and every time she fucking Nothing it's the worst and do you remember when you used to go up front? Like it was the only time I ever had like shortness of breath and you're fucking like you're like this never happens And then she's in there and the way she would ice that room I mean you would be like you'd be like a child. It was like you never did stand up before they would so we We got hired I got hired there after him and it this was it was a different era there There was no audiences there really at all nobody did Dean Gilbert ran it Mitchy wasn't coming around and Tommy would come up to you. Wow

Mitchy's coming in tonight. You guys have to showcase for your jobs. It's like wait Which is all illegal now when you think about like this shit So to keep your job you'd have to go up in front of mitzi and if she deemed you not Like you could lose your job because of a bad set And so you'd be terrified and you would see you know like I remember I remember seeing Chris rock look in the room and he was gonna go up and then he turned the corner saw mitzi in her the seat She always said it out. He was gone. Yeah, I'm good. Thanks. No, I'm gonna go I live this I don't know if

I don't know what the guy's name is. He's still around I get up there. I'm the host on a Sunday night. We when we started you you were hosting. I was hosting on Sunday That's the Cuban egg roll. So I used to host take my dick out Yeah, yeah I took my dick out of you were on stage behind the curtain. I knew how to get them behind the Ari Shafir once hit me in the balls from behind the curtain. I was on stage I figured out how to go from behind the curtain To the stage and take my dick out at you. You can get great laughs back there. Oh my god, but no cool

They think they were killing I did it to somebody and she bombed every She bombed for 20 fucking years up there mitzi just liked them because there was something about her There's a there's a handful of those and I took the curtain and I got completely naked And she was on stage. So it was like 19. That's when there was scattering of people 23 scattered in the room which sucks dick in the original room. Oh, it's horrible And I would just open up the curtain and go like this Like with the curtain open and then I would just close and she would think she was slaying She would think she was killing and then I got dressed and went out there and watched her like shake everybody's hand like

She was like, oh my god. Thank you. You kill And she ended up suing down mattress couple years I'm not saying today, but we know exactly what Sunday night I'm down there And there's a guy with a wig now listen If you're missing a You gotta fucked up eyeball or you're missing a foot on which if you're doing comedy if you're in a wheelchair But if you're a comic and you have a wig

It's gonna be a tough night for you. Like I don't give a fuck. Like this was a fucking rug That was a good rug. It was an expensive rug But it was a rug. Yeah, now i'm at the door and in those days. I took every year beating imaginable because I was uh She used to let me host the tent to close So i'm getting every comic in america chucking me up and we hosted there. We hosted the other mic there for years Yeah, so you know getting headshots. Oh, you're everyone's best friend. You are everybody's best friend

Holly told me I could come in and get a fucking spot. Yeah, it's fucking my uncle's dean's uh landlord He told me to come in tonight. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. But then when you say I don't have time you've never lost a friend so fast So she's like he's telling me that he just opened up a run white And he blew run white off the stage And i'm sitting there in those days like I was already hip. I'm like that's great man, you know I don't think of the man who's doing this with coke rock. That's in my pocket I can't wait until any griffin gets here and I can pull him up because I was I remember that you used to leave You'd be like halfway through

Don you were quick you and I figured it out. I was doing ten up You give it over to don barris. I give it to don barris. Yeah, that's all you would get your shit in and you'd be like Where'd joey and you're fucking your car was out? God no drama from uncle joey at all So i'm listening to this guy. It's an early sunday I'm there early. I'm not hosting I'm hosting ten, but it's like seven and he's waiting because he got he got somebody off of the job as a doorman So sure enough Whoever gave the job as a doorman. He puts his t-shirt on and he admits he sure

He's been a doorman an hour And they say do you want to go up and he goes? Yeah, I just blew off run white on stage and all this shit talking shit I'm sitting there and I actually went up there just to see what was gonna happen. You knew you knew something. Come on dog I'm over. Come on. I've heard every fucking story. Especially there. I told most of them. You know what I'm saying? I told half these stories. You're gonna tell me these fucking stories, but especially there You know, you know the or is gonna give him a beating. No, the original was gonna give him a beat He goes up with his cloudy store. Shut up

At the one minute mark. She's in the back going fucking a walk. Lie down. Lie down Lighting up. Oh my god. He's got a wage. Lie down Get him off my stage. You can hear it. You can hear it. You can hear it. She's fine She fine. Oh, yeah, yeah, when he got off the stage, they go, you're fine. Can we get the t-shirt back? He had to take the t-shirt off. He threw it at the manager. Take you take your wig and go home Yeah, take your wig and go home. He was pissed. He walked down that block yelling at the comedy store. Fuck you I'm a great fucking comic She she's put ptsd people

That was ptsd. Well, you want to see it watch comedians and cars when Shanling and Seinfeld he takes him to the comedy store and Seinfeld's like, I don't want to go there You could see it in his eyes. He's like because she wouldn't pass him And he's like, I don't want to go in the building He convinced him and then he went in and that's when he came back whenever he went back to the comedy store He like, oh, yeah, this is a good room. It's fucking crazy. That's like a fucking. Yeah It was it's also I love the comics too that are like, oh, I can't do three minutes. I'm used to doing 45 I can't do three minutes. Okay

Yeah, let's see how the work out that's how the three goes. Let's see how that three goes not one laugh. That's weird It's fucking hilarious. Yeah We used to have a lot of stand-up waterbees In 2000 and she would throw them off the stage and then one night we got a guy And they would do stolen material From comedy store comics in front of her That's when you should be shot like yeah In most of those comics are in the room. So it's like that's mine. That's mine. He stole me

He stole his whole thing of bill hicks and the whole room turned out in front of the t-shirt Like everybody like that was one of one of my favorite, uh Bill Hicks bits. Why would you wear a cross around your neck? That's the last thing jesus wants to see when he comes back He had the balls to say that joke and I remember like my goose hairs went up and half the room was like Like that that that you know, you could steal but at that point I'll take that. Yeah And she was like get him off. She threw on this other kid That came up here to be the next bill Hicks out of houston She threw him out and she was like get him

You imagine you get tossed and then when you get tossed out of there, you're done for good I'll never forget I'll never forget that his manager walked in with him But on the walk out he walked out his manager was 10 feet behind Never forget that Like that is fucking human like that relationship ended on the plane That's dude. I couldn't imagine you do the open mic at the comedy store Because I couldn't imagine just going in there like because you know that room is such a fucking weird vibe to it Like we started out doing the open mic for a long time

Like there's a level of comfort you have to get in that room Before you can fucking make that thing work for you. Oh my god We were open mic and with the legends back when they did like the freak show open mic So gay lord dingler scotty bear, you know, like we're talking the og What happened to gay lord dingler? Why was I accused of murdering him? Like I read that years later they even hired an investigator to see if I murdered him I never touched that guy. No, there was a guy mickey his best friend who Admitted the hitting up with a beer bottle in the head and an alley and left them. We thought he murdered him

It's a mac lindsay actually like went to the police to try to like have this shit solved Mac lindsay was the kid with the nose hearing. Yeah, where is he? He's in new york. We just saw him in july We were in new york. What's he doing? He is uh a phlebotomist So he takes blood at hospitals and he's like going back to school very bright dude the dude runs very smart He runs like eight miles a day. He got out of the stand though. No, he's back now He's still doing a little bit. He was great when I saw me as a he was a great writer But something was not there and I heard they told him to leave with something nice kid It was almost like if he was doing really well, he would try to push it to the right

They asked him nicely. I think it's time for you to leave but he's fucking funny, man. Yeah, it was naturally funny Yeah, but gay lord dingler arish a fear held the trial when he was hosting he held the trial for this guy mickey Did you kill him? Did you kill gaylon and he held the whole trial in front of the whole audience? They got a documentary the other gay lord. Yeah, I didn't want to interview me to see if I killed him I never heard your name. I didn't know who how are you associated because he used to torment me Really gay lord gay lord would be very tormentable. What was one of those people? Are you serious? Are you used to torment me? What would he do to you? It just talked to me Thank you. Thank you. I just asked me stupid

Questions constantly What I was like when I had 18 dollars, but I needed 25 to get a half a gram of coke Well, that was seven dollars away. The last thing I needed was a question I could see that I could see that. Yeah to the stadium. Like the last thing I fucking need is a question from gay lord dinglin But he would ask me 50 questions a day Was it him you would throw ice at? Was that the count or is it scottie baron wasn't one of them you hated Was it scottie baron? Yeah, somebody got it. You got you were you used to get into it

So if I maybe it was gay lord because if you say that he was always fucking with you I remember you would come in and throw ice at somebody while they were on stage. I don't remember who it was. Yeah If you were there early you would go in listen dog from you got a figure from 97 when I walked in there To about 2000 the screws weren't really tight If I look back on it like the screws were not tightened yet Yeah, the the criminal Instincts were lowering and the comedy confidence Was getting a little higher, but I would still let you fucking throw like I would still rob me if I had to

Like I still did a lot of creepy little things that nobody knew at that time But at that time I was still a little bit On the craziest side then I had to beef with the guy who I told not to touch the fucking microphone It doesn't take it when you do comedy the most important thing about doing comedy is being intelligent And being courteous to the guy behind you You'll never nobody nobody nobody nobody overtaken that run of light Yeah, don't run of light in front of me dog When that light comes on it means to get the fuck off in two of the fuck minutes. That's it

Once you do that you're disrespecting what we're about. Yeah So I'm very disrespectful. I'm very respectful to a comedian Okay, but you want to lose my respect do dumb shit If you're sitting there watching him on stage And you see that dodo keeps hitting the microphone and it's loosening Don't be a favor when you come up. Don't touch that fucking microphone I don't give a fuck what you're actually called for Okay, you're gonna break the fucking mic because don't know over here. He ain't coming back ever

Like don't worry about he ain't ever coming back here We already made a note in the back and he fucking broke the microphone So now you come up here. You're gonna touch the microphone So I'm sitting in the back and I tell the kid do me a favor Don't touch the microphone because it's about to break There's a hundred people on a sunday night. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, don't fuck you tonight. Yeah We've been working on 64 people every sunday for the last two months. Yeah, this is we got a hundred and twenty Don't touch the mic. What do you think this motherfucker? What up then did first grab that?

Grab the fucking mic and it broke Shut down the show for six minutes If you might as well fart in the room and stab somebody and hang Anthony more dating for everybody Just come up with Anthony and hang him. You ain't gonna laugh now for another 30 fucking minutes That show's all about momentum. It's great. Yes. Yes. When that guy had a plan he couldn't do Yes, when you got the three minutes momentum going to the room and good open makers are going up and they're fucking Improvising and they're bombing and they're improvising the bomb and you're going up there Yeah, you come to say a couple funny things you get those laps you bring the next guy up

Yeah, and this motherfucker actually after I told him now Here's the other part of that story. I get it I didn't become a car because I follow rules Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I get it. Yeah. Yeah, but you see that the fucking microphone is in some rules Are you the string is barely hanging off especially barely hanging on those mics are from like most of those mics were from the kinnison arrow And they're all yeah, they were dented because yeah dice re-bought them And then rogan did rogan re-bought them. Yeah, so rogan paid for the system and dice paid for something But that night when he got off and I got off I went up to him like a man. Like oh, hey, man

I asked you like a man not to touch the microphone. He threw a verbal tirade at me That ended up not bueno for him Yeah, he got thrown out of there that he attacked me in san diego that hit him with a cue ball Remember the fucking this is like fucking a seagull boogie man. Yeah, remember the little table they had It wasn't a pool table. No, it was not foosball. It wasn't foosball. It still has pool sticks Yeah, yeah, it has a little oh middle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know you're talking about right like a fucking miniature one Where they called us Lahoy and said they were there to threaten me. I took all of those put it in my pockets But without the flower plants in the front

I took every knife from the kitchen no no bartenders could cut lemons every drink was given that night with fucking no lemons in them I had every knife in the fucking building And I saw them make the left turn on the main street and I saw them pull out water pistols And as they were about to throw water pistols I elicited one of those cue balls at their car and a dentin and they fucking went off into the night And they called the hollywood county store. They called the police on me and everything Yeah, I had beefs from those fucking monday to our sundays because It was a thin life a line between mental health now boom chakalaka

You could tell they let him out on sundays for spinnerette day, right? Yeah, yeah 20 years you could tell they let him out on sundays to see the birds And different colors. I never had a problem with him I also got accused of lighting one guy on fire one night and that would lock himself in the bathroom Wait, uh, was zap? Oh, no. Oh, uh, at provide Yeah, he uh, he's accused us a few times. I got a call in miami one day that you light them on fire in the bathroom I'm out of the fucking state stop accusing me of doing shit to people They let him in the they let him on fire in the men's bathroom. Oh, no, they locked him in

They locked him in the bathroom and they put toilet paper in the window and they let him on fire And he's in there banging the fucking door. Did you let him on fire at a different point or no? No, I think I did something else to him, but it was a different boy. We would always lock him in the bathroom That was a given We always locked as soon as he got there. I went up to him with a heineken I don't drink here. I have a water there was a night where robin. Williams was in there In the store and we we've been working there for a long time and approviah who was he Missy would let him close the open mic for like 25 years

So he saw robin. Williams coming all these guys come and go But when they would come back he was like stuck like a fucking mosquito stuck in the amp You know like from a hundred years ago doing the same bit So we see robin. Williams watching him from the back of the or and there's nobody in the or it's just robin Williams in the back watching bob and we're standing in the back hallway And onil goes you ever see this? Do you remember this guy? And he turns to us and he goes no, I've never seen that guy in my life Look like he saw a ghost and he fucking bounced out of the club

We went outside to go where'd he go? He was he disappeared like he was in rehab three weeks later. He was spooked it was a fucking He was fucking we knew that he knew him because don said he used to do an impression of approviah And he's like oh, yeah, he knew him and so yeah, I think seeing him of like my life is gone So far in one direction this guy's been stuck in this same exact spot Doing the same exact thing There was a couple people who had mental health issues in those days. Yeah It was very heavy mental health on sunday nights. Yes, it's changed a lot. Yeah changed a lot

That's how we were able to stand out just because we were normal guys normal guys. There were their employees who had When I got there there was a little couple of employees that were a little on the crazy side white dudes Yeah, they looked like let it skin it. It was like four And one of them will be in the back on heroin. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this was 97 and then they cleaned up a little bit the store cleaned up, but the or the Open mic side of it

Stayed it's fucking crazy. There's still some crazy people who I see it open. They cleaned it up though compared to what it was It was like it would be like sometimes it was no normal people because you know you had to draw those numbers So sometimes it would just be all insanity. There was a girl that was really pretty They used to show up sometimes on sunday nights this is 2099 Because sunday nights were cool because It was open mic from seven to ten

Employees and friends from nine to ten So then you had the professionals from ten to close And I would host that and bring up eddie rogan paul mooney dice one of those guys dated an hour and then everybody else went up but What the fuck it started getting popular Especially sunday nights with monday would be off. Oh, those were crazy. Those are the crazy ones when we would host the og Paid regulars would come in and demand to go up because they knew it would be a packed out that fucking house

So those nights were always crazy. There was a little run that what was the japanese girl that came in for a while And the black guys took her in ate her up and spit her out alive Yoku real cute. I mean I go I go. No, no, no, no, no. She's not around no more. This one Oh tomayo was it no tomayo was the one that was that was kettison. Yeah, and then one came in like in 2000 pretty funny She started getting spots, but she's leaned over to the fucking freaky monday side And she ended back in japan with a black baby Right like they fucked them pregnant to death. Nobody knew who the father was Yeah, they fucked that old japanese pussy to death nobody knew who the father was

She was scratching their head. I know nothing. She may have left right before we got that. Yeah, she left It was it was crazy down there But there was a girl that would show up and I didn't put this together until like a year afterward because everything was moving so fast And you're trying to decipher different characters on sunday nights sunday nights mondays There's such a different character count out there. What was the old school guys that just waded them into those guys? They were kind of embarrassing They were there from the kettison days And they would sign up on sundays and nobody would really talk to them no more would they would stick it out until two o'clock the duo

Was the duo there's there was a couple. Are you talking about piper and tupper? Do you remember those two dudes piper and tupper? No, they were from like a whole over from a whole little era and they came back There were yeah, there were there's occasionally some people that would show up and be like I was here then You know, they tell you their story. You're like, yeah, I don't I don't give a shit man. Your name's not on that list This is my kid now. He's 18. He was it's like, okay My name is written by the other side of the building When I would work the lot you'd have guys come in like that and they'd be like, do you know who I am? And I'd be like, I just started working here like no, I've never seen you and they'd be like you got a

Piste you know that you didn't know who it was. You're like, I've never seen you in my life That was a crazy girl that would go there sunday nights on a week Oh, there was a wait that she ended up in the dig dog show blue iris Oh Yeah, wait that granny real pretty girl real pretty 24 Open biker. She would always pull up in a cab and go in and then She would do her set in the wing and she was pretty in the way when she took the wing off. She was even prettier But then one night like she cornered me like you're the host yet

She cornered me and she gave me a ferocious ear beating I thought you were going to say blowjob You could trade spots for like They were fucking crazy people. Yeah, people do anything to get on there anything anything. It was such a crazy But I still remember a certain woman What was the woman the girl who come at the missades? And she had fake tits and the doctor didn't do it, right? So there was a shade in her tint

That was gigantic up in the top of the tip The tip didn't just go natural. She was she wasn't even that attractive But they did the fake tits for and she had a yellow car like a yellow Do you remember she had the big tits but the tits were up here like that she did it in mexico Yeah, it's like right and they put them under her neck like right under the collar bone And it took this vein from the tip of the neck and they put it over the tip. You like you stabbed that vein you'd kill it Yeah, it's like it cost too much to run it underneath but but she put it over the fucking she would get spots just on sundays Yeah, I know you're talking about I have an idea that I could be completely off. I'm not gonna say it's it

No, I think I know who it is barbie Yeah, was it barbie? Yeah. No, I was in a different direction. Oh, we oh, I know you were going different Mercedes Same do you remember the bit? I don't this may be a one time But you know some people's bits you remember but you once did a bit about doing fucking wheat grass a shot of wheat grass And then you said you made it out your door to the garage You had to pull out your pants. He took a shit so big it looked like a lion just took a shit I remember the bit We grass for a while because in my mind

No matter how much coke I did If I drank a shot of wheat grass and had some sushi I was nullified. You know what I'm saying? My system is the yin and yang. Yeah, so I would blast out two of those fucking now they called e3 Like now it's a complete new supplement No, one of you can eat hot animals if you're drinking wheat grass in the day They give you they just would rip off a piece of grass And put it in the thing. Yeah, you just do a shot of it with something else And it would clean me up

Like it was like getting frozen yogurt and looking at it going. Jesus And I've been driving over it one night like I remember one night. I had to stop I couldn't even make I couldn't even make it. That's the night that I wrote the joke about So I had like two shots of it And I went out and the way home. I'm like, oh my god. I got a ship and I'm never gonna make it upstairs So I don't forget this that I pulled up to my driveway And I go there's only one way to get away with this if I shit in the garage So I opened up the garage door and when I went in I forgot I put the headlights on

So here I am with taking it around my ankle The shit's about to blow out of my ass. I got the headlights on me how to run with my pants around my ankles Turned the headlights off and the middle of all that I turned around and it just blew out of my ass like boom Like one of those things I just went ah And you can hear like my stomach training and every intestine just draining out And I fucking like looked around there were some rags had to bring On the car with I just wiped my ass with these oily rags I pulled my pants on right and I never forget like staggering out of there. It was like

And I'm not even trying to be cute. It was like I got fucked in the ass by 20 fags At a party like I was it that night and they all fucked me because I couldn't they had fucked the equilibrium out of me Like I had shit so much that the equilibrium had been out of my body Like that's how sick I was like I got up and I was stumbling around and I had to sit in my car Like off and puff and I had the headlights off So I just drove in over it that was the tire No, I'm saying like over it like it was like right under the car just covered up the evidence So I drove over it with the car like the wherever I was sitting the shit was right under it

Like burning simmering out of that And I remember closing the door and walking And then like going oh my god, my wife's gonna get the car in the morning She's gonna see this shit and walking back and I could still smell it like it was in the air like I'm like I'm not going back there. Oh my god. It was horrible. And when I walked upstairs I remember my wife was sitting on the couch and I walked right to the bathroom And finished like the other 20 ounces that I had left And I remember when I came out she goes what is that smell like that's how bad it was

It came in from outside it came no it came. Yeah, it was following me. It was like it was stuck in my clothes You ever find I just get stuck in your sweat. Yeah If you're sitting on a plane you're like I can still smell my ass through this fucking sweats That fart is trapped in between the other way of life. It's a fucking Have you guys ever peed your pants or shit your pants on like on the way to a gig or add a gig? And have to do it. I know I almost had to happen the other day. Yeah, that's you Because Which one was it? I'm assuming almost shitting pants on the on the drive there

I didn't I didn't but I thought I'd have to cancel the show You didn't piss or shit him. I didn't how do you have to you didn't you couldn't just pull over in this fucking? No, no, I had to shit Oh, and I got I'm not gonna do it outside a friend of ours Shit his pants and then did a commercial audition with uh with with his pants He farted and then shit his pants And then he took his he went the bathroom and he had uh, he shit through his Underwear and then the back of his pants had like a dime size speck of shit on it

Which he says dime size, but if he admits dying that's at least quarter And then there was a bunch of kids at this audition because he was auditioning for some kids thing And so he gathered them all around and he's like hey kids any of you guys smell shit They're like no and he goes all right. I guess I'm all right Is it me or does somebody smell something that's what I always say I'll open up with that line. Is it me and somebody say I smell something too. Now you got it off you Now at least it's not on you. Maybe you walked in with it or Where was that where I farted the guy walked right into it

Before bass line just farted I could feel it creeping up my neck I could feel that he hit my neck and he tapped me from behind He's like you're up next and when he looked at me I could see him going for like this fucking Sad my trance and he didn't admit it. I go you smell the front. He goes no Bullshit it hit him. It hit him like the next day. I asked him. He goes. Oh, I was terrible Do you remember Brad Watts and the piano guy? Yes, sir He once farted so bad that Eddie Griffo was on stage and he did like 20 minutes on how bad they should smell

Nobody accused these two women who were sitting here the keyboard. Oh, that's the worst Poor women they ended up leaving poor Brad Watts. Yeah, and he got no respect that poor guy. We always liked him Where where is he? I see him at the hollywood ymca when I I don't live in hollywood anymore, but he works on the hollywood y He still plays the piano on sunday since they don't have the open mic He's a sweet out of a guy. Yeah, but I'll never forget we tortured him one day Because he's one of those guys that got a dog to get girlfriends I remember you would ride him pretty hard. Yeah, we used to torment him

Yeah, well, you would pull up. I think if he was outside the parking lot, you'd be Watson Yeah, because he was a piano player on sunday nights and he'd always say something fucking crazy to me like are you gonna do? No, i'm gonna no i'm gonna do a magic trick tonight. Yeah, don't fucking stand up Like he would always ask me some creepy fucking questions and fucking just obvious. Yeah, and I like Jeff You know i'm saying like I was used to Jeff you just went up with Jeff Watson would always drive me crazy, but I don't forget one night Watson got a dog Just to meet chicks, but but he got the ugliest dog in the world and the dog was missing a tune Like the ear was gone. Nobody even liked the fucking dog. I remember going up to him go

Why did you get this dog? Was it to meet girls? He's like kind of I got the wrong fucking dog guy Like he was just like he couldn't do anything right. Yeah, he could not he could fuck up like a wet like that was just so much Go sunday nights I did him for what 10 years, baby Like when I started going there Freddy Soto was the host Yeah, we got there. Well, you were still out. Oh shag. Oh shag. Oh shag. Yeah, you were like I think just about done with it. Yes. Ari was starting Renaz easy was starting bobby lee Uh bobby strobshire, you remember her?

Yes, oh, yeah, caparillo the rat tail braid. Yeah, but where is bobby stratosphere? Who knows? I don't know man. She's a very nice lady. She was nice. Yeah. Yeah, no clue though. She there was a couple other women too Who is there? There was another woman that uh, christie miller. Yeah, christie miller Why the long face? Christy biller was a soldier. She's still around mooney. Yeah, I would take her on. Yeah, she's still around christie biller She's still doing a bit about uh sucking the gear shift to jerk it off the park. I don't know. I know that she's still around She's new york, you know

That's crazy. That's why I see pictures of her on facebook. She was good. You know what I always wanted to ask you In like 2004 I'm riding my bike along the la river Down by like frog town and I stopped to get some water like out of my water bottle And I hear this voice and I look over this fence and here's you walking out of this fucking warehouse And like this industrial area and I was like, what the fuck is he doing here? Where was it that you know where frog town is like that? Or do you know where so you know where like the two freeway is between the two and the one tan along the la river like between Like Dodger Stadium and like Highland Park

It was just a real shithole. I was ever asking arie about it And he's like, you know, who knows what he could be gonna do again. He's like there I remember you walked out of this. I heard somebody I heard your voice and then I look over this fence It's just you leaving this fucking warehouse and this is just like a totally abandoned area. Do they have a bunch of shit stain rags? I mean, I don't know why you would remember it, but I don't know if you were I don't even know what area you're talking about. You got to be more fucking I'm trying to think of the fucking name Hollywood Park. I don't fucking know. Do you know where fuck what's uh

Yeah, I mean, it's it's not really like a distinct area It's like a round Highland Park and like Glassel Park by the la river Like on the other side of the hill from Dodger Stadium Huh by like you know where Fletcher is you know where Fletcher and Riverside is No Just on north of the silver like I don't like Duncan and Glendale. I used to go to Mimi's and Glendale. Yeah, I don't know what this is my uncle lives in between the Mimi's and

Like when you make the exit most released, but that's it. That's the only reason why I don't be in those places at all I feel like I derailed to show like that. Yeah, I grabbed the fucking microphone But it was I was just like what the fuck because I was in it it was a sketchy area and I was like What the fuck over here There was that voice. I remember you guys from the commie store where the commie store was just It was down. It was just uh an or it was a a place run by the inmates Yeah, that's when that's our time there was mitzi was her health was failing And I remember Fraser Smith used to come in and say man

This reminds me of brantwood, which was they said the inmates ran the asylum And so it was just a madhouse. There was no rules really. It was just insane And remember you would come in you would drive and I'd be working a lot He would usually be doing the back door and he's like, who are you guys fucking with tonight? More often than not they could there could have been someone in our crosshairs Yeah, man, that was a fucking it was a great time to develop though because you can do whatever the fuck you would have been You know, it's become a showcase club. It's got it's it's changed a lot But I went back to doing what the fuck I do in there again. Yeah, that was it

I changed up. I I I had that fear for about the last year I kept bitching and then I realized it was just an excuse on my part. I kept saying well If you go down there, you can't work out. What's the use of going down there if you can't work out? It's still The best place in the world So who gives a fuck Just go down there do old material new material if you get one thing off that's new Go I just go down there let my mind run away I use the economy store now. It was like how lucky am I?

Yeah, that I could go to that gym in florida or mahamad Ali. Yeah train. That's what that's what the economy store is I don't put the radio on on the way down to the economy store. I just dip into a part of my life That hadn't thought about in a long time just to get my mind exercising So when I pull into the store, my mind's already moving I don't really want to the only thing the only problem I have with the store is That now we have people that go down there to see us. Yeah So that takes away from the original planning of it. Yeah, especially you got you rogan burt I avoid those people before I go up. My thing is to smoke a joint

And get there an hour before my call time and watch the four comics before me That's how I do. That's my tuesday night assignment to watch ali wang Sometimes people corner you though people fucking corner me like I sit that'll fuck the wrong There's a rule number one number one rule number one of your comic Don't fucking talk to me in that row. You know, you're not supposed to talk. You're a comic There's nothing you got to say to me. I understand Guess what I understand There's nothing you got to say to me. Look at my body position. Look at the description of my eyes

Does it tell you in any form? I want to hear hello Or a conversation from you when you're in a room where your last job is to listen, you know, yeah Last night I was having a great time watching Justin Farmingdale. Whatever's Martin Dale Martin Dale Fuck this room up and some girl tapped me on the show. Can you do my show next? I just want like that in my head like get the fuck out. Yeah. Yeah, that's not the you should know better Don't even fucking say a word to me. I'm in here. I'm in the fucking seat. I'm getting butterflies in my stomach I'm thinking about what I got to say. Maybe they're gonna give me something to play off of

Maybe she'll give me something to play off of and you want to come and tell me some story about I'm really give a fuck. Once I'm in Mitzi shows row row There's nothing I want to say to you when you walk by just put your hand down and get it. I get it I'm ready to rock and roll down there. I'm not dead Afterward, we'll take pictures and we'll talk and I don't take pictures of people before I go on stage anywhere Anyway, because you catch a guy with stinky armpit and now you got to go on stage He's got armpit on your armpit thinking about Fucking the smell of that fucking garlic hippie fuck

On my own so there's no pictures before what uh, what dice calls being in the cage. Yeah, I'm in the cage I've seen a lot of great people. What do you want to talk to people for when they were in that row? They're not to talk about yeah when you see me in that back row. I Purposely did that on purpose. I went down there an hour earlier So I can sit in the back and watch the four economics in front of me and learn something And learn how I'm gonna gauge my set for the fucking rest of the night. There's nothing I want to do I don't want to hear about my mother. I don't want to hear that. Oh, you felt we found 10 million dollars that belongs to you Tell me later. I don't give a fuck right now

I really don't No, I I agree Matt. I 100% why uh, is what's the reason that you won't stay in the condo in la joya When you were doing la joya comedy store Does it have to do with a rat or is that a made-up story? The rat was number one The rat was gigantic that I saw that david caught marillan's husband. Yeah under the bed Oh, he caught under the bed. Yeah, he put a trap under the bed Didn't somebody say it ran over their face while they were sleeping. I don't know and then from then on you were No, no, no, and then I went outside one night to smoke a joint in the balcony

And I saw the rat in front of that was all the same weekend, but I can't sleep I can't sleep with him too. I was no Yeah, I remember I did you remember do I did remember we did christmas weekend It was me you shampoosky and rena zeezy and you would drive down For the shows and I rena zeezy was up and like you got a straight like they were worried you weren't going to show up And it was like I don't know if it was it was like either your phone was off or you didn't have a force and like that I didn't know where you were you showed up like 10 minutes before you were going up That's it. You were in a white long sleeve shirt and you set up like a chinese food fucking

A meal in front of you. I was like this guy's got some confidence to eat You had the white shirt to be eating across the street the chinese food was delicious In lube the the keyboard is one of my favorite stories lube is hovering around you and he just keeps going Those wontons look pretty good joey. Yeah. Yeah, and you're eating and you're eating you're trying to get to go up What about those wontons kept saying the fucking wontons finally lube you want a fucking wonton you just asked me for Yeah, I think I would like And you went up. I remember you murdered it was uh, do you remember that that weekend? It was christmas weekend It was empty

But you fuck I remember you murdered with some of the craziest material from your youth and I was like it's it was christmas eve And you were saying some of the craziest shit, but you fucking slayed. I still remember that That comedy store The fucking comedy store in the hoi and this comedy store in hollywood. Just prepare you Yeah, they give you this different mindset They give you a different mindset all the way around Because you're just worried about what's in front of you. Yeah, I got paul mooney in front of me. What do I give a fuck? About your tuesday night show at some spaghetti restaurant in the valley

What made you think I even give a fuck about your restaurant? I'm here watching paul mooney dying inside Thinking about all the missed opportunities I had I could have been in the Hertz. I could have been in the Hertz management program right now You know i'm saying I didn't need this I could have been in the apple business with my uncle in wisconsin making millions right now But no i'm sitting here at 12 30 on a tuesday night waits for paul mooney to get off There's eight people that means he's gonna be four And you want to ask me about a show next tuesday night at some spaghetti place. Get the fuck out of my face

All right. I'm trying to figure out how to pay the rent. This is way like You know what i'm saying? Yeah, like this is it. That's the life of a comic. Yeah Like it's the 29th. I gotta figure out how to pay rent and i'm fucking three days from now The rent is 400. What am I like the whole way? I'm like the whole way and we're going into friday I gotta come up with a yard stick of two for some cocaine Plus, you know, I got an audition on tuesday plus. I gotta follow paul mooney right now. Yeah I mean, there's nothing scarier than going that room and there's four people nothing you go. This isn't coming man I know and then you go home beat up. Yeah

The soul is beat up And you have to fucking snore coke and jerk off and look out a window and write Fucking question your every decision Only thing that makes that feeling going away is going up again in front of four people and doing well It'll haunt you with that whole fucking time You know people think that we're giving away fucking lottery tickets here like this is like Come on stage. You're gonna get it in three years Even if you do get in three years, you're gonna falter at the seven-year mark

Yeah, good luck They're gonna put you in a position where you're not supposed to be in and your legs are gonna go out right from under you They've seen it before and those people don't come back The best thing that can happen to you is it takes 20 years to make it 20 years because you don't give up You've prepared for everything. I prefer that's why I said to myself. Why am I fucking around with these other comments? Like before I shot the netflix special Which you'll see you'll go it's terrible. Why because I wasn't training at home I was training at all the other clubs in the area

I should have been training at home. I should have been following whitney houston whitney coming I should have been following christily every night bobby lee and rogan and jeff ross You know, that's the environment you need to be in When you're ready for it. It's like a u of c fighter. You got to train with the fucking black zillians and I Let me tell you something. I was drawn into that comedy store and I wasn't ready for it If you want me to lie and tell you I was ready for the comedy store. There's no way She just liked me She just liked me and I didn't fuck up

She just liked me, you know, she saw something And the first year and a half the first two years, bro Every time I left that place. I was like, well That'll be my last spot there That's a bad spot, you know, you know, yeah maker brett's break set every time Because at that time the word on the street was that she had it bugged And that she listened to it at home and asked those like me believed it No, we we even heard that she said that she had hidden cameras and shit

We heard the same same thing even later, you know, I mean, so you if you ate a bag of dicks in the original She wasn't there You still heard about him like you couldn't wait to go in there on monday and bump into it by mistake You know i'm saying it for her to go I told you not to do that joke And you're like, fuck She saw me fucking do that joke. That was the thing about the economy start that time That you're trying to develop you don't even know where your next meal's coming from. You don't know where rent is coming from

Yeah, but every time you got in your car, you're like That might be my last side of the store jack. She might fucking hear about it. Those are dark days, man Those are early Where you're like I could be thrown out of here and then I would have nothing this is literally all I have To say that I have a any sort of career or anything Tell people like I was telling Lidia That was she was around Half the people in there that wouldn't be in there

Because there was no outside promotions. Yeah, yeah, it was a lot if you promoted on tuesday nights Everybody you put on that list had to be a regular You follow me like yeah, I didn't shine wouldn't be going up You know like a lot of guys wouldn't be going up because she wouldn't allow it You had to be a regular in her club Broward's day and night The fucking main room was packed And she threw jade davey's out there. He's car

He's what and the people like but he sold out the room. I don't give a fuck I mean that was the beauty of my bitch. You sure That she didn't play that shit. Well, he's selling out rooms. He's not funny, but let's let him headline anyway She didn't play that and that club was tanking. That's why I fucking that's why I fucking that's why With all his bullshit. He won't go back there That hurts to walk out of cladding stone get beat up. Yeah, that hurts. That's why sign for wouldn't go back in there It's straight through a lot of people out of there That's ptsd. Let's be sure die in a ptsd

Because she gave out a ton of ptsd to people She shattered a lot of people. She shattered people. Yeah, that's why tell people don't go fucking around in there unless you you know what I'm saying Yeah, Richard Pryor has an old joke. Don't go messing with them Jews and I don't know money You know, that's the same thing down there. Don't go messing with them down there unless you got all your spots covered I know I know your girlfriend told you you're the best comedian you ever seen I know I know You also paid a rent. Do you know? Yeah. Okay, then shut the fuck up You know, you know

You have to know with your heart that you did this you did that Yeah, I did this I fell apart at this level I fell apart at this level because every time I was going to the store There was a saturday and friday night lineup that I couldn't follow AJ Jamal Remember the name. Yeah, AJ Jamal and when I'd see fucking Dom are ever's name and I had to follow him Dom's always You know, and that was it and she was gonna be there there

She was gonna be there there so you would watch her and you would hope that any griffin would get her or one of the girls would get it And steer her into the fucking original room But if you seen her making her way to the main room your heart just fucking stopped you would just go like And then she's sitting at bench and you'd go up there. That's the three jokes. You got a long 16 minutes, Jake That's a long 16 minutes. We're having that fucking booth over there and she would light a candle so you could see her face Yeah, so you could see how fucking how much either like you or hated you. So here's what here's what gets ugly. I bombed Consistently In the main room like I'm a big boy. I can tell you guys legitimately

Open that door. I'm getting anxiety Oh my god, my fat little heart's gonna blow up like I love you never shake that shit I love I love people who doubt me like every once in a while I get emails from people who have written something like What's that page where people talk shit about you read it read it? The other day somebody sent me a reddit thing and they were like Joey and Ari they're not good comedians They just kissed the right rings and all this shit and I laugh at those statements Because they have no idea Like I started bombing in the original room talk

Listen, she made me a regular on the sunday. She put me in the original room on Monday I got bummed by any griffin then I ate like a bag of dicks wednesday How long did you be doing comedy at this time? Square business. Yeah square business. I started in 91 and she made me a regular In 97 But I was doing comedy from 93 full-time. Okay, so you weren't in it very it was so I was four years, but I was a good four years like I was featuring on the road. Okay. Like I was legitimately featuring on the road I had the power to walk in there

It's these motherfuckers that know I was already featuring on the road I went in there via stand hopes thing now. I got out of my car on a monday a dinner I took a shower with the al capucho With the sycamore in the sycamore lounge. Yeah, that motherfucker used to be al capucho or you could eat a night and shit I went to al capucho and I went right to the comedy store that monday night And as I was walking in the comedy store Eddie griffin and tumak from the movie The black kung fu movie from the 90s that was popular the the the show gun of harland

He just died two or three years ago the guy in the last dragon the last dragon shuma Leroy Bruce Leroy Eddie griffin and Bruce lee where we're walking out my fucking head almost blew up I'm like that's fucking any grip than Bruce Leroy. I saw Don Barris wheels is up there talking Lies behind the store He had a show with dama rara Never forget that through the grace of god substance somebody went up there and remembered me I think it was james stevens deterred

and on that monday night Somebody pulled on barris over there was maybe two people in the original room And somebody talking about barris until let me go up there And I went up there thinking I was at the garden boys and it was Eight minutes of just death death

My timing was off. Yeah, a couple comics came up to me and consoled me. Ah, that's the worst Hey, man, don't worry about it. It was you know, it was all right. It was pretty good. You were great. Yeah Come back next monday. I'm like, yeah, come back to my ass And then I got I became a regular within the month But my point is this the main room and I have no reason to lie to you guys because you guys working there I ain't ass in there From 2000 no from 97 To 2002 or three

And then I figured something out I figured out that I had to attack them the same way I attacked them in the No, or in the or forget that mr. Nice guy shit Yeah So when you saw ours in street fight or ours in street always has been the old days the cowboys used to go down And then the quarterback would go hot and they would all bounce up and go down again And that second bounce meant they were coming to kill you. Yeah, that's the old one I was going into your main room thinking

You know because you hear don't be mean There was a dress code too. They're like midsy you got to dress up if you're doing the main room Yeah, you're wearing a fucking collared shirt. Like it was a different set of rules So I didn't think I could be me Like I didn't think I could do what I was doing the original room in the main room That main room does have that vibe though. That's that vibe where you're like, ah, I better not do this joke It's maybe a little too dirty for the fucking main room But it's also like a big brother who beats you up for 10 years straight

They keep getting you with the overhead right one day you actually just go And you go, oh, shit the second time he does you go. Oh, shit Now every time he throws that punch I'm gonna come in and come in there with a left a one two and a kick Once I went like this and figured out the main room Oh And it was about 2003 in the summer

So it took me Six years It took me six years of beating dicks the original room was some completely different. Yeah, I already had it down the original room I was hosting. I knew every looking kick ready to see everything that I knew every trick I knew everything. Yeah, I'm not up there saying to hell. Let's give a raw applause for the troops No, kill you use the cheat codes for that room. Yeah, you need you need the fucking but the main room was something different And it took me three years To learn how to just grab the mic

And just tell them all to suck my dick Like I saw you I started seeing the main room in 04. I am sick and fucking tired of getting beat up Like I'm sick and tired to get beat up. I was like farah forced in the burning bed Remember when he beat her up the last time that she let him on fire? Like I'm not getting beat up in the original room Ever in the main room ever again. I made a decision I remember used to be like take your fucking sticks out of your asses people. Yeah, I made a decision that that is it I'm gonna bomb but I'm gonna let these motherfuckers know who I am because I read a thing

Written by the casting director of the godfather 2 and nanny brask when he goes auditions enough for you to book a job Auditions are you for to be to be remembered? And I'll never forget that I go. Why can't I do that in stand-up comedy? I don't have to be the funniest guy in the room, but if I let my ballsack on fire, they're gonna remember me I like my balls on fire that motherfucker had no sense of humor at all But when he lit his balls on fire, it was pretty funny Especially they were putting the extinguisher smoke on and he was all white and shit You're gonna remember that guy the rest of your life every party you go to you're gonna tell him

But the guy little self on fire So once I started thinking out of the box like that in the main room like these people are better than me You follow me like yeah, absolutely the original room was like the people who I could deal with they don't pay rent They do drugs and you feel you could you're smuggling their own booze in there You're like booze in there, but the main room are uppity uppity. Yeah once I started attacking them It was a game changer It's crazy how long it takes you to figure that stuff out like everybody Like it just seems now when you look back you're like, what the fuck took me

But who right now was at home listening to this podcast That's saying seven years Joey. Fuck you. I might as well become an attorney and get paid. Oh, yeah That's true. Go to med school. Yeah a lot of all the shit. I could do it Yeah And by the way, if if if you don't have a fucking burning passion This is the only thing you could do Please become that attorney because it's gonna be a better lifestyle for you I started going up so hard

In the main room So fucking hard. I started going up There was a time period where I was just going off in the main room in 1145 And then they were gonna get holt'sman again at 145 by that time. They weren't they were gonna either be in therapy I was just going off. I was just going off holt'sman in the main room is uh It's pretty fucking I was just going that's what what what's taught me from watching him in the main room. I got memorable He's not going up there playing games. Why are you going out there playing games? But let me tell you the truth

What happened one year one year was the holidays It was that week after christmas before new years. Yeah, where there's a lot of action at the store And I fucking win the original room when I came out there like dog. There's nobody here. You gotta go up in the main room when I'm like I don't want to go up in the main room. Like I just had tears in my eyes. These are the real white people Like these people are the ones that are here for christmas that go to the ball games Yeah, they were in there fucking wiskons and sweaters. That's the worst week. I hate that week They're really really white and then you know family. I mean and there was listen to me it was 945

And there was no comic staff in the main room No Comics at all for the baby So you ready for this one? That's when people you like you find out that there were comics there and they're fucking They're up in up in the belly room. They're making themselves scarce. So they come grab me And my fat little heart is beating mitzvah sitting in there And there's got to be sold out there and my fat little heart is beaten And as I make the turn into the main room mitzvah, and I make believe I don't even acknowledge her

I don't want her even going into my mind Eh, nothing. I just walked right past her like fuck this bitch And as I got to the fucking door guys Who's walking in? Who who could possibly ruin any griffin worse? At that time who's walking in it's two nights after christmas It's 10 o'clock. There's no comedians in the building and either I go next Or I follow somebody

Yes, who just walked in the building and looks at me and goes Chris rock So I was at the point where okay, so he's at the main room So either I gotta go up or I gotta follow Chris rock Okay, this is it now. I've been bobbing for seven fucking long years I gotta either go up and die in front of mitzvah or follow Chris rock. What are you dying? You're dying so I never forget. You know that step you go down to you walk in you pay your 15 dollars You walk into the main room

Then there's like a little step and there's like a dip and then you have to go up. Yeah, I fell I fell that's it 400 pound I'm 370 I'm doing a pound of coke a day I take out a table and do it at contents like the people are like Fucking taking the drink often like I see Chris rock and I just walk I just keep walking. I'm from bam and I just fall. I got jitter on my shoulder

You know, and I'm dying inside that walk in those days I couldn't even get up like the breathing like I had a breathing issue Yeah, and I was and I was getting anxiety And now I got to walk up those little two steps to get to the main room thing and then walk to the main room I don't know who the fuck was on it. It was somebody who was spotless clean And I fucking went up there I couldn't I prayed to the Jesus, please let him do one more minute so I could catch my breath Because I don't even have the breath

To walk out to the thing my knees starting to swell from the fall I took My elbows bleed the fucking table still wiping the gin off their faces Now Chris now I looked at the curtain and Chris rock is fucking sitting next to mitzy Oh, that could get worse yet. Oh shit. Oh, how could this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? I just want to do comedy and not go to jail Now you're trying to tell me Chris rock is sitting next to mitzy sure hugging it up And I got to go out there. That's what you're trying to tell me and guys

I just went left there and I avoided them I looked to the right It's to the left And I just went off I didn't come to till about the 13th And by that time it looked like a massacre had gone up I just leveled that fucking room. I just went off I told him about all my beeps god knows and I told him about shitting on the weak grass

God knows what came out of my mouth All I know is that when Chris rock went up when I broke like all I remember is getting up there That initial surge of adrenaline and anxiety And then I just remember seeing that red light And going oh my god if I could just squeeze out one moment in the material. This is the perfect set Yeah, this is the perfect set I squeezed it out. I took a bow They fucking went crazy when I broke Chris rock up

Chris rock is like, I don't know what the fuck I just saw like he was just complimenting me Yeah, and my wife saw that and what the time was my girlfriend And I remember walking up that stage and going I just don't know what just happened Like whatever happened happened because I was possessed by a spirit And I walked out of there and I never ever ever thought about it again So I shot the longest shot and he reminded me Oh, really?

Yeah, fuck He's like what was on your shirt? No, he goes he said something to me about that night because I never forgot that night. Are you fucking? And he don't say much no offstage. No, he doesn't say much I've been at the back door with he and I for 15 minutes like five feet from each other And not a word not a word not a peak so for him to say to me the first day at the table read It was the first day of the table read He gave me five and he goes man. I never forgot that set that night. You didn't give a fuck

Because he goes homie went off That's the kept saying you went off You just went off. I don't know what you were on. I go nothing. I was just pissed off And embarrassed because I either had to follow you. I was in a dire slow death Any way you put it they just told me to jump off the cliff or jump off the bridge That was the option I had there, you know Fuck that's crazy. That's great. You I mean, I remember though You were like that you were the guy though. Like when we were coming up like people were like, I gotta follow Joey Diaz

Okay, I'll take my dick out. No, no, but no people. I mean, but you were a power out Now were you the night when you did a night where the chick took a pussy out? For which night? Yeah, we've been there many a night My favorite night at the stall was the first time I took my dick out up there and I got in trouble didn't get banned But I got in trouble because I was there and I was watching I was watching and she a girl was drunk and she kept insulting all the comedians And I went over to the side and I'm like this girl's too pretty to be insulting comedians and she was on stage It wasn't don was don doing no

No, this is friday. Oh, this is okay 11 o'clock and I had an 11 45 And they started jacking it up like at 11 they started tormenting comics And she was really pretty. I remember walking over to the side going. Why is that pretty girl? Heckling the fucking god, I didn't know the dynamic the comedy clubs I didn't know that women went out and got drunk to get attention and they yelling shit So I didn't understand the dynamic of it and she kept saying something then she said something to somebody you want to see my titties

And I fucking got pissed off. I'm like fucking ten girls don't come to show shows dead titties And I never forget I had about seven dollars in my pocket. I was scratching The fucking I needed a fucking shot of coke jack. I had like seven dollars in my pocket I couldn't borrow money from my wife. I couldn't borrow money from anybody I'm like, what am I gonna do to make money tonight? I'll never forget I went up to the stage And I go before you fucking say a word lady Don't say a fucking word. I don't want to see your fucking titties Unless you're gonna come up here and show me that fucking pussy. Don't say two fucking words

And this chick got up. She goes, I am gonna go up to show you my pussy the place was sold out She fucking walks on the stage. She grabs a man. She goes, I'll show you my pussy if you take out your cock And I go deal And the place fucking erupted and she took off her shirt first She fucking take the heels off And then she took a pass down to her ankle and she faced the audience and even opened up a little noodle She had a little wine ahead going down and I was like, I'm like, fuck this And I took my dick out and started dancing in front of her

And next thing you know, I remember that there was people watching from the outside window They had all come into the sides And rogan and bobby lee were throwing money at me. I remember I kept picking up every fucking point I was like, that's my cock money And I remember like that monday at mitzy called me What happened? I went mitzy She fuck is

I was coerced. No, I told her I was coerced. I told her she challenged my honor That's medieval times over here mitzy loved all that shit. She loved that talk Okay, what are you talking about? She told she took out a pussy and she said that I was a fucking nothing if I didn't take out my dick She said that. Yeah Okay, I'm gonna take my dick out no more It's crazy though. Sometimes like that's the kind of shit you have to do to survive A set in those late night spots Sometimes you have to fucking sometimes it has to turn into a circus

I don't forget complaining one night at the great brian holstered I go, what the fuck am I doing up here in my life on a wednesday night waiting to do a 115th spot and hopefully those We don't want to do it Put a sign out in the front. It's the only people sign up that spot hundreds if not more They put it into perspective for me and I was like, okay. Yeah

Like I fucking get it like that was That was very that that put everything in and then I I don't care what spot I go up, you know, yeah I was always very lucky to be Like at that time the last factory was the hot club But I didn't give a fuck. I didn't want to be at the last factory. I thought the last factory was mbc or something No, I mean when we go how many times I open mic'd it like I think twice you have to wait outside for like six hours And then you'd go up and this guy back in the day this guy. I think his name was harvey You would sit at a fucking school desk on the stage with you and if you even got to approaching edgy language

What? Whoa, wait a second time out like that's my They would fucking jump the mic on you. Oh my god. You're fucking. Oh my god, harvey. That's right Because jamie said you have you got to work clean. Otherwise, you'll never work That's right. He told me the same thing. He gave me a lot of doing they threw me out of there the first Fuck that because that was the first open mic. I went to the commie store ruin day And the last factory was tuesday and they stood on line all day What's his name drops off water for you?

No, brother woods. No, no other woods The the white comic the one that always touches his head He's jewish. He plays the piano on stage. I got problems. He's like I talked to my psychiatrist I don't know Richard. Whatever his name is. He would drip. Oh Yeah, he's in uh, Kirby and louis. Yeah. Yes. Oh, oh, Richard Lewis would come. Oh, really? I never saw. Yeah, he wasn't there. Richard Lewis would drop off water He was a really good guy. You better bring your suntan lotion if you want to go Wait out there, man. One of the people would drive up and down sunset. Everyone you know, they'd see you fucking sick

It was right there. So I did it one time. I did it one time He told me not to come back. So I never came back and then the impromptu gave me love right off the back of the Latino night Yeah, calling for the schedule. So I started calling. I had no beefs there. So the ha ha, right? You were at the ha ha what? No, no I didn't get to the ha ha To the ha was a fucking valley Oh, yeah, I mean that was I lived in hollywood. It was the club My business is hollywood. You were gardener, right? Yeah, what's I was gardener. I was gardener and Yeah, you were out there right across the street

I don't do gardener and everything I did was around garden. I went to karate school in the corner You were the one that got that guy had the fucking uh, a little sports car with a dragon Take it on the hood with a ponytail and back to mccanae had the garages behind those buildings where he has his garage Because he collects some type of cars. Was it you? Oh wait, who told us Ralphie may who told us that you Ralphie may and you used to fuck with mccanae mccanae had his car collection back there Who was was that bird? No, I don't know. I don't know you got Ralphie used to scream out there That was a great mccanae all the time until mccanae like lost his shit You know, you really think of it like that and so that name was 99. You ready?

It was josh wolf on Vista It was one street over Ralphie may on gardener It was nick de palo and mitch hamburg on syro bonita and jesus and dungstay hope lived on cursa There's a consecutive blocks. Okay. That was all consecutive blocks and these guys. I would see all these guys We would see each other at rouse rouse that rouse is all fucking comics the place across the street with it The headshots. Oh, yeah, I think I died and he left the asian wife That was really cute and then she closed it up eventually. He was like an older man with an asian wife

She was very sweet. That's where we got our headshots. I got my hand cut there I did everything in that vicinity that hotel. What's the name of that hotel? It's like sunset hotel or some bullshit motherfucker I lived in that in that neighborhood when the hamburgers stand was still there and the pimps used to hang out there Then they did that's American was that where that bar is now or something. There's something there What's the two brothers did a movie in 2000 about pimps american? American jiggler was a american pin or something. Yeah, I know what you're talking about

The Hughes brothers the documentary about pimps. Yeah. Yeah, I know you're talking about that's one like pimp culture mechanic It was really good. Yeah, and it exposed that hamburger place that hamburger place We walked past the hamburger place right on the sunset right in between rock and roll routes And el compadre. Yeah, what's that hamburger stand? Then they closed it. It was closed for years and god knows It's It's not the gas station But it's that little mall next to the gas station that gas station is not a gas that was a tire place It's a tire place now

But it was a gas station and the guy ran it for his father by himself So I would stand by the corner and wait for him to go outside and pump gas for people And I would go in and grab a soda and stick my hand behind the counter and take a pack of cigarettes any cigarettes He would let me charge the sodas on the arm and fucking like candy cakes That's a great day, but like that was no, I don't know it's different now I mean remember he's changed when I when I live there. There were stills a little bit of criminal element I remember there was a night. What night did what year did you live there? I lived there? I lived there my whole time. I moved out just this past year

So what year did you get from like 2003 so you were we at 98? There were pimps and hookers So it was that was like starting to leave when I went there that was Pimping hooker though. We did see a lady uh get abducted. Yeah Some guy was trying to shove her in his truck kidnap her and we look out the window because he had a bay window that overlooked We were just screaming and we see this guy dragging this lady and she got away. We were like what the fuck And somebody robbed uh Yeah, this chick at gunpoint. We were watching tv in my living room. This girl knocks on my window

I go these fucking idiots always leave their keys. I lived in the front of the building I go just ignore it. We were watching tv and I hear please let me in please you're crying and I go Oh, shit. I'll open the door. She's like, we were just robbed at gunpoint. Uh, they took our phones or wallets and fucking right outside Watching tv. It's happening two feet from us And we would walk that neighborhood like nothing at night because we would cross Your building. Yeah, we'd walk behind that whole The whole sunset to avoid the cops and then we walked behind Sierra Bony with her son And those days the 7-11 sell sold be it or two. Yeah, so we would try to catch we'd be fucked up

There was a liquor store there on the corner. Yeah, I started to walk and coked up to the gills To that fucking liquor store, but I still remember knocking on Ralphie's door 99 and then telling me that I pimp knocked on this door the night before and asked him who was looking for companionship Gee door to door pimping. That's impressive. Wow to work at they killed the hooker Once they murdered the hooker on that corner, then they cleaned up that whole neighborhood There was a night I was because I had the big the big windows went from my living room But in my bedroom too and I lived right on gardener and I was always scared of on the ground level Someone's gonna throw a fucking brick through that window. My bed was right there. And so I like two

Something in the morning. I came home from the store I'm going to sleep and I was like in that state where you're like kind of asleep But kind of not and I heard someone say give me your fucking money Give me your fucking money, bitch. And so I go. Oh, shit. I spring up. I have like, uh, you know the curtains I open them up. I see this guy fucking punch this woman in the face in the street Like, oh, shit. I get on the phone. I call 911 like sir. Can you see I'm like like 30 feet? Like you got to get here and I see a fucking Helicopter come in hit him with the fucking light and in my mind. I'm like, oh, shit. I called that in and uh

So I don't I don't I can't see what happens They like go like they like keep going and like five minutes later Ari Shafir texts me and that fucking weirdo. He followed the west Hollywood police like their twitter page or something He's like cops just came your block. Uh, I got arrested for having a gun It was a pimp shaking down a fucking hooker had a gun on him got arrested It was like, yeah, two in the morning. It's fucking crazy. Yeah, they pushed all those hookers down further like They started clearing out what west Hollywood and just started pushing them down towards like western We were getting high one night me

And a girl and another girl was snorting coke and the first floor a garden that we're going deep It's got to be five in the morning And all of a sudden we're sitting there and we're here You've been sucking my dick for 20 minutes and all I got is teeth Sucked that dick correctly and we're like looking at each other. We thought like somebody threw their voice in the room like We felt like like all of us like did you just say that who invited Jeff Dunham? And we looked outside and the guy was out there with this hooker on the hands and knees Sucking the guy's dick. He's like, I just told you stop using your teeth, bitch

That's how fucking nuts That name was all right off gardener too if you went down towards like uh, Santa Monica It was called Vasley now. Yeah, that's trannyville. Yeah, they'll fuck you the ass astro burger. Yeah, that's what they give an astro slide That's why that that was the vastly now that's invested. Oh, yeah They used to be a bar a restaurant across the street from there When we first got to LA if you didn't want to go to rock and roll denny's Stand home We'd go there for breakfast. They had a back you could smoke cigarettes

And they used to keep it open at night and somebody got Raped in there or something then they had to close the place like we used to go to restaurants where play a woman got raped in there like a guy got raped We went in there the next day the place is closed. We got to close it out too many rapes around there that night They were like, yeah, the place is gonna be some deals today. The place was used for Fuck denny's. I need that cheddar cheese. I'd rather eat the rape place. This rape place is run by like Hawaiians Come to rapy's diner and they had like the best The best breakfast on that neighborhood

But at night it was like doubled as a bar. I never went to the bar But I guess some guy it was like a rapey place for guys They were starting raping guys and then guys are going they get lower today and get fucked in the ass It was their new marketing campaign Your dude looking to rape another dude Everyone around the corner from right there and he bravo. Did he? Oh, he did. I remember. Yeah And he bravo lived a block down some from astro burger right there on the corner You all you got to do is walk 25 yards next to a body shop

Is that why I got into jiu-jitsu teaching self-defense for the Hawaiian restaurant? That was crazy done there And now you nuts met at the store. That's the first time you've met Yeah, and what possession become a comedy writing team Uh Basically the spots at the store were like we're not gonna make it as comics doing this shit You know, you couldn't get like I mean basically doing stand-up was just trying to display your writing ability more or less You know And so I came out here because I wanted to write movies which you know was kind of uh, what are you majoring?

Uh, well, so I didn't go to I went to college when I was like 21 Because my mom really wanted me to go to college, but I was selling cars. I was racing cars and I thought hey This is it But then I got an accident that shit didn't work out for me And I was like, I don't want to sell cars the rest of my life. There's no way So I was I enrolled in this film school In uh, Chicago and then after that I did my last semester out here in LA And then literally after school ended I just I did stand up my first open mic at the comedy store

and then uh, I just I was writing movies I met him and we started writing movies together and uh, we we haven't gotten a movie made yet What's your process? I mean for writing. Yeah, you guys have a process more or less. Do you? Uh, I mean it's tough. Um In terms of like some do like whenever we have meetings people would always ask like how how do you write because so many When there's two people some people write like one writes and then they hand it off to the other guy We always would write together We used to sit right we used to literally sit right next to each other

and then like literally type and then talk Like literally right next to each other on a couch And just look watch the screen and do it But then we started doing like screen sharing and stuff like that the technology Yeah permitted that you can sit on your own couch But you know like and we were so deep in that but the industry has changed but man we can't god we're we're close on a lot of A lot of things we could always get a good agent or a good manager because we always had good material But it was just like you know, it's like everything shifts at one point

They're looking for this and you have something like that But by the time you get everything set up and go into pitch they're on to something else and so I don't know I think at this point, you know You're just tired of playing the game and like the more shit that you can just do on your own without having to rely upon a studio or Anybody a network to like get your shit out there. I mean, you know, it's like doing do your own specials or doing your own thing Man, it's uh, it's so weird. It's a movie business. You make a good movie now. That's great But guess what there's a lot of people that make a good movie

You gotta make three or four good movies to get people to pay attention to you know Comedy you get one good special one shitty special, you know what you need all of them to be good because so I think writing Is a beautiful thing that i'm horrible at like i'm horrible at it, but I like it because you control your own destiny. Absolutely. You can write shit put it away Keep tuning it up and then that tide comes back. It's like the guy who had what was that Showing abc about the whims and the one block and

That was like a script he had for fucking 10 years There's a lot of guys like that and they go into a pitch meeting and they go. What else you got? That's that's the only say that to every fucking minute. You'll pitch them a whole fucking Think you spend three months together working out this pitch every word every fucking joke You do it all for them there. I you know, you can tell they're really not paying attention. What else you got I just what about the fucking thing I just gave you that I spent three months of my life I'll think about that. But what else are you working on right now? I'm working on this and that's when you you know, how long have you guys been writing together. I mean

Oh Three is like when we say, you know, it was it took a while for us to kind of like get good material together It's crazy that like oh three you started. What are we 17? Like so 18 whatever the fuck so that means you guys been writing together for 15 years Yeah, so in about two years one of you'll look at the other one. You know what you're the kiss of death You know I'm saying we can't put together nothing. Let's split and all of a sudden a month later We're gonna call. Hey, we had a meeting with you three years ago when you gave us the script I just got an offer for 600,000. Do you have anything else? And you're like, yeah, hold on. Let me call him back on the phone

That's what happens. Oh, yeah, it's you know, it's waiting for the miracle to happen And that's the crazy thing about writing is like people like, you know, if you look at the career It's like what what they don't see is all this great things that you have written that haven't gone anywhere Or are still waiting they don't people don't realize like the process Even if you even if you had a show now and it got picked up It's gonna be three four years before it fucking even debuts if you have to deal with all the development Then you go casting then there's pilots and there's test screens and it's all this shit. It's a fucking nightmare. Yeah It's you know, it's amazing that anything ever gets made when we just anytime any lawyer gets involved like even

We've done shit on the web. It takes forever for four months five months forever I mean, yeah, the last thing we had six months for just just lawyers to agree Um, I'm specific wording. Okay. I don't like this wording and I go back on that for fucking two three weeks And like you're just sitting there. You're like, I need a fucking check man like agree But like they're just like no and it just gets crazy But this town for me, I think for both of us been great Kicking you in the balls

But like right like a day after you get kicked in the balls You find a dollar bill and it always gives you something to stay around keeps you in the game. Yeah, just enough To be like, well, this is light this light at the end of the tunnel Even look at like leslie jones who got fucking what you got on snl at 47 48 48 years old So it's like leslie jones on snl at 47 years old Oldest we just cast member we worked through with her in 2012 on this thing we had and like I mean Yeah, I mean she's like wouldn't return our call our manager because she's always like bill collectors coming

So fun. She's like, oh, I didn't know his opportunity And then yeah, and we just did this little thing with her and like Yeah, I mean she was just like happy to do like she's like, yeah, fuck. Yeah, man like Nobody's coming to me to do shit. She was a she was a powerhouse comic though. She was slay She was tougher than fucking males, man. It's the thing that just goes to show you even if you like there's guys that go I mean you for it. Also like you were just fucking You would crush but you have to be like the darling of the industry You got it. You got to check all the boxes. You got to have the look

You got to be able to go on tv Like if you're doing what you do and being you a lot of times that involves like Some sometimes you're gonna interact with the crowd Sometimes you're gonna do like but they want shit that they can throw on tv You got to do quick jokes That people will get right away if you want to do its night show in order to build you up in order to do this It's it takes a lot longer when you're just trying to be you

But look what happened with the internet Yeah, I mean, okay when I got here. I was too old I wasn't I didn't fit the type not clean it was it was very gut wrenching for the first two or three years and very frustrating Because I had I didn't have one of the qualities they were looking for Not one of the qualities that they were looking for But I had one quality that kept me here. I was on to something I wasn't funny I was on to something

And that's why mitzi kept giving me spots. I was on to something. Do you know what I'm saying? I didn't fit that. You know what when I got here all these non funny good-looking guys were getting deals Good-looking guys getting deals that had three minutes of material And couldn't hold their own at the county store. I remember one guy in particular He looked like steve reams Had died and come back to life 20 times better than him. This guy was gorgeous I forget what his name was every time he walked through a comedy club. He had two jews with him That's how much they protected his investment. This guy was a guarantee fucking

television star And one night they made a fucking crucial mistake They set up a showcase for him at the county store Like a benefit and he had to follow dice And I'll never forget that he fell apart at the seams and I never saw that guy again that man You know, so I knew I had one thing going for me that I had I was on to something And number two I was at the store

So, you know what you don't want me to go to montreal because you think I'm too dirty. I don't fit your little scheme Really doesn't matter to me. You don't want me for comedy central. It doesn't matter to me I'm at the store I'm over there. I may not be with the gambinos, but I'm with the lukezis and we're picking up steam We just we just we just figured out how to fucking hook up with cocaine So we're picking up fucking steam Within a year, we're gonna have three million then we can battle up against you. So that's how I always looked at it looked dimmer

Every year it looked dimmer like once 2000 came in 2001 It looked like I didn't have a chance, but then they told you you have a If you book television, you have a chance So I booked a pilot. Nothing happened. I booked baseball. Nothing happened. I booked a deniro movie I was already with that one. I was already getting the fucking suit to walk into Nothing happened. So all that shit was bullshit So it's like every year they rewrote the rules on you To what you need to do to get to that next level and also you think like oh once I get in at cAA or

We were at one of the big agencies and they didn't do anything for it I mean, then you realize now you're the lowest guy on their fucking roster and now People say well, where'd you guys come from? We came from cAA or we came from ICM Well, I'm joe schmulp and fucking willard hills If they couldn't do that for you. Yeah, what do you think I'm gonna do? What am I gonna do fiend? So now you're on your own and you're pretty much shot. But see I believe in something completely different I believe that now you have the internet. Yeah, absolutely. I believe that now you have the internet You know what you want to book you got it. You want to read right you could write and he booked that motherfucker

You want to shoot sketches or something like that? I mean, yeah, you could fucking go out there and look for money and beg for money and Get $50 on the go-go account or whatever the fuck. That's not what you want to fucking do You want to shoot videos or something keep the money low? But to shoot that you got to use either actors that are known or actors that have internet presence Every fucking day there's a new web series and what happens? They go down to pizza. No, why because number one you never told nobody about it. You didn't prepare them You didn't prepare it. You didn't let them know it was coming You put it on this guy's facebook page and waited for us to sell itself

Web series could do great in this economy because i'm going to work I would love to be able to watch a seven minute clip Five days a week every day at work with a fucking ending on friday I would love to have that and every it comes out every fucking day at 6 a.m So basically all you're doing is shooting 10 episodes And cutting them into seven minute clips five days in a row That would fucking kill right now. Yeah, that's what we I mean, that was what our when we first started doing stuff We did stuff with the run as easy. We did a web series. We did a couple seasons of it

And it was a big hit like I mean, you know if you can get half a million or a million views on something It's fucking I mean you're doing as well as comedy central is doing And so, I mean, yeah, that's where it's just kind of like You just got to do everything yourself now. It's like we everything is yourself. We thought here's the beauty of it Here's the thing that nobody really understands That you do everything yourself since day one True at the end when they ship you in that casket. You're like my agent was great But all he did was piggyback the seeds that I planted

You always have to plant seeds. That's why that's why there's such a high failure rate here Because people sign with an agent they think that's it the end all be all not me I bought backstage every fucking wednesday if it was at that curse on and 7 11 at 455 It was at my house at five o'clock By eight in the morning the next morning. I had my envelope soft for student films You follow me that was different to me and everybody else that by that. Yeah, and guess what? I throw those envelopes coked out to the guild I'd be snorting coke

Right in fucking residence in the envelope fucking putting it in the envelope But I ate them next morning as coked up as I was I mailed those fucking things So even though the agent kept telling me no, you're not going to get in for this. No, okay Let's just see because the casting director's job is to get the job done and get the job cast She doesn't need more politically more fire. You're the one for that movie Sending your own audition tapes not talking shit There's there's money in this town. There's money at every different level You guys are a cut hair away from being millionaires

You have a cut hair away. You're great writers. I like your stuff. You're a little out there You're a little bit fucking crazy It's just hanging in there. Yeah, you've seen the people around you grow. Have you not? Yeah, yeah without a doubt. I know you says 2003 it's 2000 whatever I would see Ari at Ralph's When he when Ari lived on sunset And and he'd have a fucking car full of meat and what the fuck are you doing? He was buying Meat that was like expiring or like on that day

For very cheap and he would freeze it all Because he was like 30 pounds of meat. So he was so he was so broke that he was buying fucking old meat To freeze and I mean now I look at Ari now and he's a fucking It's a little different. What's the difference that he did was he He finally stopped playing the game. Yeah was that's that's what that's it. That's it someday. You got to wake up You go. Hey, what am I doing playing this fucking game? It's like I told you I'm listening every week. I got an email guys Every week I get that one email Okay

And it's a how you doing and see the mister Or we love your podcast it starts off fucking complimentary of shit And then it goes into I'm shooting blah blah blah We'll love to have you on this product project and you Sometimes you click the link sometimes you say you can't whatever The shit that comes my way is so fucking bad And you know when you read it, you know by the structure Yeah, like I know as soon as I see structure, you're done. This is no better. Well, you've read so I mean

That's the thing actors know No, I see like I got one a couple weeks ago There's a lot of dough attached, but I read the thing and I go this ain't no How much will you read before you're like, I know this sucks four pages. Yeah five pages. Do you stop or do you read? You're like, that's it. I'll come back later on. I'll think about what I read Yeah, I become back later on but I know in the first year four pages What it's something that's what I want to do. Yeah, like I Was with a guy that we were trying to pitch something

And I would talk to him. I would this is very difficult I would talk to him and explain to him what I wanted and what I didn't want to do He came back with this whole thing. He started telling me all these movies. He referenced. I fucking hate it So all this shit he had so in the middle of the night pitches I go, I don't want to do it because that's not what I want to do Then what do you want to change? This is what I have to change. This is what I you know, I just know I've been here long enough. So I know you know how many mob things I've read I'm sure yeah

I believe mob things I read after the surprise those When the surprise those are getting ready to get off the end you have the idea. I believe mob things I'm sure everything that was ever going into production came through here. No idea. You have no idea So I know the first four or five pages I know You know like you just know you hate being judgmental, but you got to look at the time Yeah, it's how you spend on fucking and I gotta look at what that move is going to do for me guys I'm gonna get no young if I was 32 I'd do it in the heartbeat

What is it gonna do to me acting next to this, you know acting next to this guy? This guy's no got no IMDB. What am I gonna gain from this? Not gonna gain that you're just taking me away from your family and make me do something I don't want to really do or you're not gonna lift the rock and at this point even if you lift the rock I really don't want to do it. It's not it's not gonna be good because your heart's not at it I really don't want to do it attached to it. You got other revenue too. I mean you got stand up. You got you know I mean, it's not like you fucking know, but I remember I got disenchanted with acting years ago Like once I saw first of all, I was I never came here from Broadway

So I'm not that guy, but I did enjoy it. I did like it as a you know What's his name said that Whatever is enthusiasm when you go from field to field. I love doing stand up. Guess what? I don't want to do it 52 weeks a year I remember even back in the day. You were like, I gotta get off planes. You were like, I'm done You're like, I don't do Sunday shows. Yeah, and I gotta get the fuck out of here. Yeah, they know I paid my dues So, you know, it's like, uh But it keeps me fresh. I love doing stand up. But as far as typing 10 years ago

I think a little after the longest yard by 2007 I was done with acting unless you come at me what's and And I decided that like I was getting all this shit thrown at me YouTube stopped this and I was like, I don't want to do none of this stuff And I made a mental note just to put no then they offered me grudge Match which sucked But it still gave me a level up. Yeah. Yeah, that's like we're acting opposite to the hero, you know So I don't mind doing those things that's gonna help me a level up

I get to experience different people But to be honest at this point in my life to work with like something three days I got to drive to Kalamazas I can't shoot my podcast. You're gonna get enough Like you gotta get it. No, I can't do it. I'm not even interested Yeah, it's so fun. I'm weird But my heart goes out to you guys because I know you've been in the fucking game In the trenches all it is is sticking with it. That's all it is

And also if you've adapted your life like my lifestyle is so cheap now I can live off anything like it. You don't give a fuck if they pay it. It's like a cherry on the sundae Yeah The most important thing is that you love what you do and you didn't get trapped back and fucking You know still sweeping at the whole town You didn't get trapped back in Boston. What the fuck you came from do what you didn't want to do That's the shit that's the most important about being out here It's keeping that dream alive and also once you get a certain age and all your friends that do have money

And they're just like all they ever want to hear is the stories of what you've been up to because they got there's nothing Like they have money now But it's like can't go anywhere because they're working all the time Can't do anything two weeks out of the year that they want to go on vacation They're too tired from their job the whole year to fucking want to go anywhere probably like the man said It's better to want than to have I agree sometimes I fucking agree. It's better to want

Than to have that's why you better fucking think about it really good You know because one day they might come to you danish and on nail and go. Hey, we love that sitcom idea And for eight out for eight years For 30 weeks out of that year you're working 14 hour days I mean you hear a lot of fucking, you know comics act whatever and they're like my glory days or when I was struggling creatively I mean obviously money-wise and all that but well, yeah I mean we even know like just of stuff we've worked on and then you start getting notes and you're like man

This was so much more fun when we were just writing shit that we wanted to write all this shit I could give a friendship to fuck about if I could turn the clock back And get to sleeping on Ralphie Mays wall when Ralphie was broke If I could go back to when Ralphie was broke That was the best times I had here the only person I knew what money at the time was rogan and not really he was just on news radio I remember years ago I was a door guy and I you just like when you worked that job you just sit

I didn't know you very well at all. Yeah, remember seeing you talk to rogan and you had this like 10-minute conversation with rogan about What are you going to do if the apocalypse comes or like some fucking like a flood or an earthquake and you're like Fucking atm's are going to be close. Your money's going to be no good And you can see You can see in his eyes like oh shit, this guy's got a fucking point. Your money's going to be no good So you gotta always have 20 league g's lodge at the house. He thought I was trying to sell them up to rob them He's like oh if I put 20 large in my house

You're just fucking robbed me. He didn't know that I'm dead serious. You gotta have it. Oh, man. Yeah You gotta have it up and up in 10 different places that atm system is set up to shoot down some day and you're gonna go I'm a cash guy and your balance is going to be zero and they're not going to know what the fuck happened The power without china you're fucked when he was looking at you like this guy has a fuck You had like an hour long plan. Oh, yeah, what you were going to do and he's like I have no idea Like I could see the way you're like, oh, shit. I better fucking think about oh, yeah I'm not conspiracy therapist. Uh, whatever the fuck. I'm a realist one day. That's what those atm's are for

You can have every single dime you have invested in those things And one day the power's gonna go off like a computer and all the files are gonna get erased And you're gonna go up there looking for your 9 000 There's gonna be zero on top of zero and they can't they don't know what's gonna happen What happened? We don't know it went into the fucking universe. You didn't down cloud it to one whatever that one cloud Look at one cloud my dick. Okay. I got 10 different yards with money in those yards You follow me I got a couple of safety deposit boxes all over the country in place. I gotta fly into them make a pit stop close to the airport

I'm way ahead of you, mother fuckers. When you stand when you see jelly with the shovel, you know Oh I'm way ahead of you guys I've always been way. I like way ahead of you guys. You got a fucking math. It's on a cereal box Fuck. Yeah. Fuck the bank. I trust them like the fuck you Guys, it was a real pleasure. Thanks for having us man. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much We can talk about the top topics. I wanted to talk to you about whatever you want. I'm not writing shit We don't want to write for money and when they

Sent to your writing you know sometimes when you write shit for that You don't want to write for money. You wish you had a nine to five day job Listen, man. It's like when I shot this Netflix thing. They're like the first five minutes You got to write about your life and then go through and I was like You're killing me. Oh, they gave you they wanted me to say because there's only 30 28 minutes So they wanted your first five minutes to be a little bit about yourself to introduce yourself But then the night of they changed it up So I like ate a ball of shit. You know I'm saying so was like

You learned a lot. You learned to stick to your fucking guns When when you wouldn't you just rather when I'm in those you just rather fail on your own fucking your own stuff Yeah, you know what I mean? You'd rather go down on your own sword and someone say hey do this and you're like, oh, that's exactly what I did I died. I died a slow fucking death I died a slow fucking death. I mean, is this I just I mean, I have a feeling I'm gonna watch it That's gonna you've killed no I died a slow death. I think it's just what I'm doing now is completely different It's so weird like this. I'm back to

2006 at the comedy store dangerous again. Okay dangerous not giving a fuck I don't give a fuck about what comes on in my mouth If it hurts your feelings, it just makes no difference. I'm 55 I got one foot in the grave one of an ad appeal and what are you gonna do to me now You got to come back and be like cavern on 36 years later. You just suck my dick You know what I'm saying? So you got choked at a party big fucking deal He put his dick in your ass. No, he put his dick in your mouth. No, no harm done He just choked you a little bit because you were a dumb bitch in the closet room

She's lucky to go in the closet room in my hometown They would have put fucking jackets on top of you. Fuck in the ass There would have been no choking or grabbing what the fuck is wrong with these people 36 years later now you want to come out and say a judge grabbed you really he even put his Did he put his dick in your mouth? No, did he put his dick in your ass? No, there wasn't a big deal But he went home unscathed, you know what I'm saying? He's a fucking asshole What the fuck is going on?

I love you guys thank you. Where can they find you danishononeal.com? Yeah, find us at uh find the podcast at danishononeal twitter account danishononeal Uh danishononeal instagram you can find me on uh ryanonealcomedy on instagram I got uh, yeah, I got a new twitter at uh as well as our own, but I got uh at v jeff danis So you want to check this out? Yeah, I'm looking at that. Yeah, thanks for thanks for having us. Thanks so much I want to thank danishononeal for coming on today. Also, don't forget boston and uh foxwoods is sold out

right now all I got to work with is Uh west palm beach improv october 11 through the 13th And hilarities from october 25th through the 27th now like I told you in the beginning of the show Listen since I started the podcast people always wanted vise and pics and who's gonna win but Comey but I don't listen. I don't know if I knew who's gonna win I wouldn't be here doing a fucking podcast every week the truth is I don't know who's gonna win But if you think you know, you got to check out my bookie. Why? Because who you bet on is just as important as who you bet with

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And I want to thank you guys for being fucking family and for giving us a chance to listen every week Have a great week. I hope this gets your week fucking started correctly and I'll see you motherfuckers in two days Stay black kick that mule I Want to be around To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart as I I

Somebody Will swear to be true as you used to do with me Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company Wait and see I mean I want to be around To see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits Let's see if the puzzle fits so fine And

That's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet As I sit there a plodden from a front row seat When somebody breaks your heart like you Like you Uh Uh You