Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #621 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: September 26, 2018

Greg Fitzsimmons, stand up comedian and the host of the "Fitzdog Radio" podcast and "The Greg Fitzsimmons Show" on SiriusXM, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Robinhood App - an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETF's, options and cryptos - all commission free. Go to church.robinhood.com to get a free stock like Apple, Ford or Sprint.    MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Deposit after 7pm EST and they will give you another $25 in free play. Streamed live on 09/25/2018.

I got the missing Trump tape, you know what I'm saying? The p-tape, I got the p-tape. Wait till that shit comes out, man. They should do it on pay-per-view, and they pay off the deficit, that Trump p-tape. They could pay-per-view that shit, they could put it up in Madison Square Garden on the big screen and sell the place out,

three shows on the Saturday. So what is Tom Arnold looking for? Keep bugging. I'm recording audio, but video, they'll hear this. So you guys cool with this being out? Yeah. Preston, let's do this shit. It's not like the president's vindictive.

And we'll hold this against us. Greetings from podcastville. The church of what's happened now is brought to you by Robinhood. Robinhood is an investment app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFs, options, and cryptos all commission free. They strive to make financial services work for everyone, not just a wealthy, simple and intuitive. With a clear design, with data presented,

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and they'll give you an additional $25 free play on deposits over $100. Use promo code CHURCH to activate your offer. Kick this fucking mule, Lee. Hey, y'all, have fun! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, Little PE to start a fucking Wednesday morning. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. I don't know where to go. Little fee of a black planet. Colin Notp'ner goes missing into shit right now throwing $20 bills in the air and shit. On a one knee. To condition your condition, we're gonna do a song What you've never heard before

Make it all time alone through the education Brothers gonna work it out and stop chasing Here we go, motherfuckers It's a church, what's happening now? Come on, let's go Little breakfast simmons The Christ killer And your Uncle Joey Diaz throwing it

Here we go Huh Call the brothers in the street I'm willing to work it Ta-da-da-da-da-da-da-da What? Fucking tremendous What up, Greg?

How are we gonna follow that? How are we gonna follow that, Joey? What the fucking thing? Now, what is Tom Ronald looking for at this fucking show? What is he looking for? I haven't seen it I just saw the commercial for it He jumps on the desk

He's looking for a P-tape Yeah And all the missing tapes Yeah, I thought he was looking for the N-word tape That's what it's for Apprentice From the apprentice, all that shit What hurt some more?

The N-word tape getting out or the P-tape getting out? P-tape None That's supposed to be true You know, they were talking about something What we forget as a country is that we've Hated every present the less Since I came from Cuba

Your motherfuckers been hating presents Yeah All right You hated Kennedy so much you shot the motherfucker Then you impeached Nixon, whatever I mean it I still remember the night he fucking was on TV I was a kid

And I was crying I really believed in America How can I pray? I didn't understand Watergate I didn't understand none of that shit But we were always crying We've never been happier The only way we're happy is if somebody brings us

We want the president That every day we wake up and there's a check The $20 limit That's the only president we want Just put your 20 in your mailbox every day Unless it's that we're always going to cry Or complain about something So you're trying to figure out

Listen dog If you put the fucking tape on in here all day If you just clicked on a tape recorder in here for a week The things you hear You mean before the podcast starts Before the podcast Yeah, the shit we talked about before When me and Lee sit here at night

You could make millions listening to it Yeah But anyone who listens to it knows That whatever is said isn't really coming from the heart First of all, you're dealing 50% with a comedian 50% of our humor comes from comedy Which comes from pain When I found my mother on the floor

And her arm was purple And I could see that by the shoulder It was just like you got hit with a train purple She had a massive heart attack I cracked a joke to myself So why wouldn't I crack a joke about anything else? The most sacred thing in a man's life is his mother And I'll never forget to defuse that shock

I crack like a fucking joke Like I cracked a joke to myself Like she'll never know I got left back in the 7th grade I knew it like just stupid shit Yeah Like I said, we got a thing sent to us from Reddit Like a thing And the guy said that I made a joke about

A Mexican little boy crying in a cage And then you should have seen like 15 people Said well Joey Figuetti is an immigrant I never forgot I was an immigrant What convenience What we say is the first When you see something Greg Fitzsimmons

That first voice That your reaction That's the reaction the audience wants to hear We just don't have the balls to say it Right I'll never forget 9-11 9-11 Was on a Tuesday morning

And Monday night I was at the store And Paul Mooney was on stage And it was the week that the black guy Was going to break the home run record Barry Bonds Barry Bonds against the white dude Mark McGuire Oh was it Sammy Sosa?

No, no, no And then Sosa was later It was Mark McGuire and the white dude going head to head And I forget that then he opened up But they're never going to let that nigga break the record Like he just went off on a tangent And he went off on it so deep That it actually went into my fucking subconscious

Okay Like they're never going to let that nigga hit a home run That's never going to happen homie They're going to do something to make sure that nigga is whatever You know, return So the next morning I wake up to my wife going Oh my god Oh my god

My wife was really like I had just gotten with her She was overly emotional And I'm waking up from a cocaine fucking hangover And I'm seeing the first tower go down And I'll never forget laying back down go Mooney was right They're not going to let that nigga break the home run record Because it was like on a Tuesday when he was going to do it

That was the first thought that came to my head Then the second thought was The Giants didn't cover last night The Giants did not cover the night before And I go That's comedy That's what you wanted to hear Yeah, well my dad died

They had a priest come by And say a few words But he handed out a He handed out a The prayer On a piece of paper To everybody like a little Like a little misalette

Because they know half the people aren't you know We're Irish Catholic But there's some There's some of the The other tribes snuck in Some of my dad's friends that were Jewish So they gave him Gave him all a cheat sheet

And we say the prayer And then we're done The priest goes Okay, if you can hand those back into the front again And I go I go he lived like He died like he lived Cheap

And And everybody started laughing And the priest got fucking pissed And I was like good You should get pissed Collecting the fucking prayer back That's the reaction That's the reaction

Yeah It's really weird that That's what comedy is Comedy is your first The first thing you really say To yourself Yeah That's the comedy

And then that thought Your Your smooth side Whatever that part of your brain Comes in smooth It's not the joke And you say You talk yourself out of doing the joke

On stage that night But that first thing That comes to your mind That's the joke they want to hear Yeah That takes you a long time Because you don't have the balls to say it But that's the truth

They kept saying that Nigga ain't gonna hit the home run They're never gonna let them hit the home run And as soon as that building got hit With the first plane That's all I kept thinking about Was he was fucking right Because it was that night

When he was gonna do it That Tuesday night Yeah Dude, I was on stage Last Thursday night And I did this joke I did this stupid new joke It wasn't like

Anything I thought much about It's probably not a joke I would have kept But I just threw it out there Because I had a piece of paper With new bits written on it And it was Thursday night There was fucking 12 people there Where was this?

At the improv And so I go And the joke was just You know, my nephew's complaining He can't get any pussy at college You know, I said, well, don't worry about it I got this thing called the freshman 15 I go, you find all those girls in the spring

You're good to go And this girl, this woman stands at middle-aged woman Fuck you! Fuck you! With that fat-shaming, misogynistic shit But I mean, Joey, she went 0 to 60 She didn't ramp up The second I had finished that joke

She was on her feet screaming The whole crowd turns around And looks at her like What the fuck? Is this a terrorist attack? And the bouncers come over And I'm throwing gas on the fire Because she's with her two daughters

And I'm going, look at mommy Getting thrown at the door I go, that's how you burn calories Getting that angry And they drag her out, screaming And I have to finish I got to do another 10 minutes And the whole room is fucking awkward at this point

So I joke about it I'm getting big laughs But then I still got to eventually go back to my material And so I come out front And I'm standing there talking to Owen Smith And a couple other people And all of a sudden the woman comes out again Full head of steam again

Fuck you! You fucking, you're not funny! I would never fuck you! I go, what are you talking about? And so I'm standing there And I'm going back and forth with her Until I realize she's not de-escalating Like her pitch is staying at 10

And I'm not going to stand on Melrose In front of the improv screen With this crazy lady for any longer So I turn around, I walk away Down the street to go to my car But she's screaming at the back of my head And I feel like a bitch Like I'm walking away from her

And all the comics are watching I'm not even turning around I'm just beelining back to my car And so, same thing, the next day It got tagged on some social media mine And she wrote this fucking letter The daughter wrote this letter Saying that I was a misogynist

When I said about her mom and blah, blah, blah And blew it all up And then of course all the comments are like I would have kicked his ass and all this shit Like nobody, they weren't there They're here in a crazy And so, yes, it was a whole thing It was a whole thing

What do you think of this thing That's going on right now? That I could come out after 36 years And say that you choked me at a party or You showed me a dick What the, where are we going with this? Where are we, this is what I was scared of This is the first time

That I, okay, so now it's not about What we did two years ago Or that I showed you my dick in a room Or nothing like that Now it's something that happened So for 36 years while I was a judge You didn't say nothing And there's already women fucking saying no

Like they don't even know the whole Nobody knows the whole story Nobody was there Well, I think that's the scary part Is that just because of the way things are now Is that not that they can't say it But everyone immediately goes guilty And you can't really recover from that

So I don't have as much of a problem with them coming out If he did it, if they didn't do it I think there should be a punishment if they didn't do it And have some repercussions for that But if he did it I don't have as much of a problem with that But I just, it's scary to think about Like someone could just say anything online

And if you get enough people behind you No matter what the truth is People are always gonna, like I just saw One comic is gonna be in Boston It's pretty coming up and they said Coming back after assault allegations Even though it came out that he didn't, like it No, he never did it

I was like, that's crazy Well, here's the problem Is that when there's a movement There's momentum And people get swept up into it And that can be used for good That can be used for bad In this case, obviously it's for good

You know, this movement is trying to Help women see that They should be believed when they come out That we have to not Marginalize them right away But then people get swept up in that And they suddenly go Oh, this is part of that

As opposed to Let's judge each case on its own Let's not say Oh, I'm already riled up Because, you know, there's been all these cases That have been proven about men abusing women So I'm already angry and now Let's grab this guy and put him in that

That same energy As opposed to Let's look at this one individual case And try to judge it by those merits This morning I spoke to a friend of mine Joe Luci And I met Joe Luci, probably in the eighth grade The band

The area where he lived Was the wildest area in my hometown There's five or six grammar schools That grammar school by far Takes everybody away Like, they were doing shit in the eighth grade That nobody was doing in the town And everybody had to catch up over the years

Like, they were The real deal They had the field They didn't just have Lincoln School But they had the field They had the rocks And they were on the rocks every 90s, guys Which meant they were out there drinking, smoking

Fucking ghetto blasters with music They were crazy You go down there four in the morning and find people Like, if we live downtown We go, let's cut through 64th Street Field You'd find eight motherfuckers trippin' on acid I mean, they were just deep And he goes, I'm coming to the show

To see you in West Palm Beach And I'm bringing my wife And he goes, should I bring my daughters? What do you think? And I go, uh, no Unless you want them to know That I owed Dean in your backyard And me and him started howling

I went to his party Like, I was a junior in high school And I went to his party like at six o'clock at night His party was starting like at four in the afternoon And I got there like at six with a grandma blow I was in high school in Kwayloots But there were the counter Kwayloots That's when I started eating the ones that people were making at home

Yeah Which is a table of crooked Right Which means that the thing leaks Into the bottom ones and these stay weak So I ate one of the weak ones first And then I ate the second one And all I remember is waking up in an alley at four in the morning

With drool and puke all over me And the next day hearing the stories Yeah How are high school kids allowed to be drinking at four? I mean, obviously anyways, but at four p.m. Like when I did that we tried to hide it His parents owned the bar Oh my God

Oh, is that a bar? His parents owned the bar So they were always at the bar Yeah So he would have parties in his basement that were just legendary But his legendary parties were before concerts So I still remember going to his house You ready for this, Joe Looch?

August 4th of 1979 They would start at four You'd get there and it'd be a keg of beer And there'd be 12 guys and 12 girls or 20 girls or whatever the fuck And people were smoking, snorting, blow, eating pills And then at about 6.45 we'd walk to Kennedy Boulevard Take the bus into the city And walk to Madison Square Garden

Fucked up Fucked up And go watch We went to see ACDC and Ted And he said all that He goes, that was a rough one He goes, I remember just Angus running through the audience on top of whatever But then we all had the same trait

He goes, I started doing that tradition way before anybody before concerts Like me at my house at three He goes, the first party I had was Monday, December 6th, 1976 And he's my age So he had to be fucking dirty He was 10, not 10, 13 And he goes, I went to see Black Ted Nugent open up for Black Sabbath When he released Free For All Tour

And he goes, guess what else happened that night The Cleveland Browns beat the whatever in Monday Night Football I mean, that's how good his memory was But I was just thinking about how Could you judge me from that night? Well, you can't judge somebody from what they did 30 years ago Or I'd be under the prison Yeah, but drugs is different than holding down a woman against her will

Trying to take her clothes off You know, that stays with her Her memory of that night is going to be a lot more clear Because for a woman to be attacked like that is dramatic And it stays with them and it fucks up their head Now, why wouldn't a woman wake up the next morning And contact the authorities or contact somebody? Well, because there's a-

Or hold it in for 30 years I mean, the whole thing about holding it in that long is It's a mystery to a lot of people But I think the reality of coming out as a teenage girl At a time when you're embarrassed, you got a zit You're trying to cover that zit on the way to school You don't want to be noticed You don't want to be the center of attention

And you're raised to respect people that are older than you So you take shit for granted If it's an older person There's a lot of reasons why a girl that age doesn't want- Freshman year of college I came home to the dorms It was my first week in school And I came home and we were snorting crank

Because that's what this kid from Philly came to school with I'd never heard a crank in my life So we snort crank and drink a tequila And then we go out to these parties And we come back to the dorm And now it's like two o'clock in the morning Three o'clock in the morning And I see this girl

And she's walking up the steps of the dorm And she's got her arms around two friends And she's crying hysterically And I go, what the fuck happened? And I said, well, she just got sexually assaulted by this guy I go, well, where is he? They said he took off He's wearing a Bellevue Middle School hoodie sweatshirt

And I remember what it said, but it was something really specific So I'm staying there with this other kid, Jeff And I didn't know Jeff I'd never met him before We went on to become close friends Still friends with him to this day I met him that night And so they described this sweatshirt

And we go to Com Ave Basically, BU's campus is built on One Avenue It's not round It's a straight line So we get to Com Ave And we're in the middle of it So I go, all right, I'll go up You go down

Let's find this guy So I run up And sure enough, I'm, you know, I'm five foot eight, 150 pounds Of course, I come on the guy And the guy's a football player And he's with a buddy Who's a football player But he's got the sweatshirt on

And I said, hey, they want to talk to you back at sleep or dorm And we have a couple of words And his friend comes over and he knocks me down And then they take off Just, you know, cocky So I'm out of the sprint Just a jog away from me And I'm on the ground

I find a very fine fruit punch bottle And I smash it in half And I chase these guys up the street And they cut into Hamilton House Which was a dorm about two blocks away And they go in But the dorm, the security guard There's like a, there's a, there's a lobby

And to get through the door Which is bulletproof glass That guy's got to buzz you in So he's about to buzz them in I come running in with the bottle I go, these guys are wanted On the other campus for rape So the guy doesn't buzz them in

Two guys turn on me They come at me I hold up the bottle I say, I say, the guy called the cops He calls the cops For, it takes about four minutes And I got these two football players And I got a bottle

And I got them And the cops show up And they, they take statements from everybody And everybody goes home And I got, I got a call from the head of the dorms About four days later Saying that this, this, these guys are pressing charges on me For assault with a deadly weapon

And that the girl who got assaulted She's not pressing charges Because she, it's her freshman year It's her first week of school She's been, she's been taking SAT prep courses Taking AP classes in high school All leading up to this experience College is her first week

And she decides I don't want to spend my freshman year in a courtroom I don't want to get Taken apart by the prosecution I don't want to, you know Whatever And she wasn't raped like penetration But she was assaulted

Which means I don't know Could mean, could mean a lot of different things But I mean, she wasn't penetrated So not that that means anything But she's a time, the reason I say that is because I was thinking about a rape kit And there wouldn't have been a rape kit in this case

So she didn't have to undergo that So I say to her, look, you gotta You gotta press charges on these guys So we, we did that And she leveraged it She goes, well, if they don't drag If they don't drop the charges on Greg I'm pressing charges on, on that guy

For assault So it all came out in the wash They dropped the charges She dropped the charges we went on But it made me think at that time You don't put yourself in the reality of a woman is up against When she's gotta press charges And what, what else is going on in her life

That would give her the flexibility And strength and the independence From everything else in her life To be able to follow that, that track And it might not have been the time for, for her At the time that this happened She's at Yale, you know This other girl, she was a Puerto Rican girl at Yale

That was what, half of 1% of the population She was low income She was there on scholarships She already felt like she didn't fit in Everybody else at Yale was wearing fucking Quarter-right blazes with leather patches on the Elbows and pipes and Here she is, this Puerto Rican girl

Probably wearing Sassoon jeans and a halter top She doesn't know how to fit in And now she's gonna press charges on a guy Who's Kavanaugh This guy who's a made man His father went here, his grandfather went here You know, so she sat on it This is a reality on college campuses

Right Because I used to hear about little things in Boulder That would like I wasn't a private investigator But I would just hear things Yeah You know, you just heard little things that This fraternity was kind of crooked or whatever

You know, when girls pass out They run trains by them and shit like that That was never really my thing I didn't understand that whole thing Yeah There was a girl in my hometown That they called Marathon Woman There was this family, the Denny's

The Denny's were a fucked up family But thank God for them I got my license a year earlier I got my driver's license when I was 16 Do you use one of their IDs? No, because their uncle owned a driving school Okay So for like 50 bucks you get a license

No matter how old you are You got a mustache and look 17 You got a license but One of them was a guitar player And he acted into everything like Jimmy Page And he got some fucking groupie chick And you rolled up on him And he wasn't a bad kid

He was shaking his hand Hey, what's up? You know, he was one of the few kids in the early 70s That had a long game in my neighborhood And he would ask you You want to get your dick sucked She'll suck your dick And I was like scared of all that stuff at that age

So I just avoided How old were you? Maybe 14 or 15 When I first met Jimmy, I had to be maybe 12 But as I got older, I started hanging out with Jimmy's brother When my mother died I started hanging out with Jimmy's brother Who people would pull me aside and go

Why are you hanging out with the devil? Yeah And I liked him because he was the devil But after a year I couldn't hang out with him no more Because he double crossed you on every deal Yeah You always got double crossed He was just a bag of lies

But it was an experience But his brother would take that chick to like a house party And go, everybody want their dick sucked And everybody would go, yeah And she'd go in the room And he would send guys in one by one Nobody paid a dollar Why'd she do it?

She just liked it She just liked it There's a thousand different variants One night she blew 18 guys The other night she blew 21 She did that thing twice And would go to high school the next day Jesus

And she would sit in the middle of the class And the guys in the back would go, Marathon woman Marathon woman And she would turn around It was And even now thinking back I still remember what her face looked like And you could tell there was something not right with her

Sadness There was something No, no, no There was something not right with her Like she was half of something Yeah, yeah Something wasn't right with her Jesus, that's a sad story

And she graduated Because she was a year older than me And I remember she I was like a junior when she went off I was a sophomore My mother Yeah, my mother died sophomore year I was a sophomore when the rumors

Of her started coming up And then one day we went to school And it was everywhere Yeah Like she had blown 18 guys And came out and burped She said, who's next? You know what I'm saying?

Like that type of shit Jesus And I spoke to somebody recently And they asked me, do you remember that night? Like, I wasn't there I wasn't there I heard about it Both times that she went off

I was at a party somewhere else Uptown Both times was downtown Because Mike Denny lived downtown They were a downtown family But I can't imagine Well, this girl who Kavanaugh and his buddies had all

They'd all tagged in their yearbook There was some What was her name? Prater, alumni It was a first name Yeah, Prate Who's it? Anyway

It rhymed with eight Because they had a little rhyme About if you can't get a date It's never too late Call up Prate Was it Prate? Something like that And so

So they all had in their yearbook It was something like 15 guys That all had her name in their yearbook quotes As like a conquest Renate Renate and 18 Renate And here's this woman

She's What is she in her fifties? How old is Kavanaugh? 50 something? She's in her fifties She's living suburban Connecticut She's got two and a half kids of Volvo And all of a sudden

This is coming out in the national papers That she was The woman to conquer In high school 30 years before She was one of the women who Supported him And not Joey Kavanaugh

And signed the letter like Oh, he always treated me with respect And then the yearbook comes out I mean, Greg, you have older kids Do you feel like Can you blame porn? How crazy it's gone? Like that kids know more stuff now?

Or did you guys know just as much When you were growing up? Oh, shit, I didn't know shit I knew just as much Oh, I didn't know shit I had a couple magazines And I remember the first time I saw a porn movie

I was at my buddy My Colombian buddy David Arengurran Him and his brother Hector They lived above a bodega On Cortland Street in New York Had projects Or Tarrytown

Where I grew up had projects downtown Because we had a GM plant And it was a big Cuban Colombian Black neighborhood downtown And he lived in the middle of it It was actually really fucking It was dangerous We used to get robbed all the time

And so we're sitting in his apartment And Hector comes in And me and David are maybe Maybe 13, 12 Probably more like 12 And Hector's like He's already like 18 And he's already

He's already done some time for cocaine Bringing cocaine in for Miami And so He shows us a porn movie on a reel-to-reel That's what the original Yeah Know what year it was this? It's 81

Yeah, reel-to-reel And so we're sitting there watching it And I got a chubby And he starts laughing He starts grabbing it He's grabbing my dick And I'm watching these two women Go down on each other with the muffs

More hair than fucking You have Joey on your head Yeah, it's hilarious Going at it And noise But you jazz band Little some good funk Not that shitty

Back in the 70s Late 70s, 80s They had a real fix of shit Yeah Played the guitar Right, right And I kept grabbing my dick And I was like, you know

I didn't think it was gay or weird or anything I thought it was one of those like You ever have an experience That just sort of gets bottled up in your brain And you don't open that bottle again For like 20 or 30 years And then you open it up and you go Oh, oh, that was fucked up

That was wrong when he was doing He showed me that porn for a reason Now let me ask you this Would you, if he was running for governor today Yeah Would you call a brain and fucking pharaoh And say, guess what? One day he showed me a porn

And he touched my dick And my dick got off No, because I didn't feel victimized by it And it didn't scar me There was no trauma Did you look at it as a joke? Like I got pulled over I got in a guy's car one day

And he went to touch He asked me if I like basketball I had the basketball between my legs Yeah And he hit the ball and he grabbed my dick Yeah And at the next light The fucking door opened by itself

God God had just showed me Like what I had gotten myself into Now he's gonna get me out of it But don't ever do it again And I ran away and I got the guy's license plate number And the next day I told a few of my friends If we saw that license plate

We're gonna fuck him up Yeah But that But that's the point You had the power to do that Even though in that moment You were disempowered You still had your boys

And you still There would have been retribution on your end That would have been satisfying But for a teenage girl It is The system's not in her favor You know And so

And I think with this guy I didn't feel I didn't feel that violated Because A I didn't attach any sexuality to it on his end I just thought he was fucking around And maybe he was But looking back on it

The odds are showing a 12-year-old porn movie And grabbing his chubby How old was he? He was like 18 Maybe 19 Yeah So But it's different, I think

I don't know I don't know I think it's more scarring I was introduced to Right now I can say a thousand bad things Which are honest I love my godfather My godfather's one of the best Catholic godfathers

You could ever have When you're Catholic and you're Cuban When somebody baptizes you It's not how white people act Like you don't see those people again Yeah The Cubans hold that very sacred Right

They come to the house every week And they talk to you And I still remember my godmother And him and her had a divorce And they had a pic I had a pic I was forced to pick a side And my godfather used to throw me 50s

He used to take me to the movies But one of the things he did was He would take me to his like girlfriend's houses And he would not fuck them in front of me But I remember when I was like eight one time We went over and he goes I want to show you something There was two chicks eating each other out

When you're eight You're like traumatized And then every time he would see me He would say something sexual to me Like Do you still piss sweet in Spanish? That means are you Cuban yet? Yeah

Like he would just say little things to me To prep me for women So by the time I was 11 or 12 I was already prepped Yeah But I was so indoctrinated So indoctrinated in the Catholic religion That it was against everything I had

Like to take my dick out of a touch of girls So you had shame about it Even though you were ready to go Yeah, I was a prude I was always always a prude Like I talk a lot of shit I didn't get my first blow job too late Because I thought if a woman sucked a dick

She was just disgusting Like at that age I was disgusting But there was an incident There was an incident When I was about in the seventh grade Or eighth grade There was an incident one night where

My high school teachers played the Mets My faculty from North Bergen Played against the Mets In a celebrity charity basketball game The place was packed I was with the kids from downtown Martin Perez This other group of kids

Peter Jimenez, Julian He was dead now All these guys And on the way out there was a girl I mean there was It was a school auditorium You know when it was emptying up And there was a girl

And everybody was grabbing the tits Like at one point She was like coming up And people were just like Grabbing the tits Or grabbing her ass And she was like turning around And I even think I grabbed the tit too

And I was really young I remember that I got really Like my dick got hard And my face got red And I remember that It started off as a joke With this girl Like they were saying

She was giving free squeezes or something But then it was like 300 guys were on top of her Like it was really ugly And we walked home And they always thought about How bad that girl felt Like she was older than us

If we were in the seventh grade Maybe she was in high school You know I saw her years later And she was still crazy And by that time she had fucked 50 guys So she had no credibility If she would have attacked anybody But that was wrong

That was wrong Thinking back now 50 years later Like that was wrong You know Who the fuck knows Who the fuck knows what they're doing Like Cosby got three years today

Yeah Three to ten yeah Three to ten That means That means a year and a half That's a year and a half Good behavior That's a year and a half

And he's got tons of money Yeah And he's gonna claim that he's six Or you put you in a hospital It's really not jail And then you get special privileges And you get the TV He's never gonna

What he did in my world Is just fucking terrible 60 women came after him And that's just what That was just the ones that came forward That's just the ones that came forward Triple that There's triple that

That said you know what We don't want to deal with it We don't want to open up this wound Yeah You know They can go into somebody's house And wake up on the couch And go

What happened? Ah We were fucking around We ate a star You know Like we just ate an edible Don't worry about it You'll be fine

Which did happen to you a couple times To men It happened to men We just left George Perez on the couch We just left him on the couch Sarah Tiana I helped her over to the couch And put it down

Put a blanket on her You know what I'm saying? Owen Benjamin just never came back He just got up Walked out Next you know He walked in Vermont And the next thing you know

He was getting chased out of Vermont Now he's off in Twitter Him and Alex Jones And starting a webpage together And shit He didn't get Did he get thrown off Twitter? A while ago

Yeah He could before Alex Jones I remember watching his videos And they were They were fucking They were bent He was He was losing his mind

He gets mad when people say stuff like that Apparently Oh yeah I mean Who knows Maybe I don't think it's fake but You think he believes all that stuff?

I don't know It seems like it Cool What does he believe? He's a super right wing There's a lot of like All right kind of stuff You know conspiratorial shit

And just But I don't know I don't want to speak I shouldn't speak about it I opened my mouth before I should have Because Because you know

He's a friend I've seen him in a while No he's a very nice guy I'm not saying he's nothing about it We're talking my edibles out Yeah He was fine So he came in here one day

He ate one of those red stars I saw him like stretching his neck and shit Yeah Like he was doing something weird All of a sudden he goes Do you mind if I take a walk? And that's it Yeah

Like he never came back Right And we spoke briefly the next day He's like man I just started walking And then next you know A week later he's moving through the month Like that

Right That star Changes his whole world Like they put him through changes Well your whole week We were just talking before the podcast About how Greg's producer Who produces XM radio is a good producer

And forgot to press record once Because you gave him some I don't even know what you gave him Who the fuck knows? Gummy's Gummy bears Yeah it was gummy bears It was like

It was like Mardi Gras You were throwing those gummy bears around Like you were like a bunch of fucking frat guys It's But every time you No chiba chews Chiba chews Oh boy

That's what it was Those animals Or even acid That's one thing I stick up for Like acid Really? Chee but chew Let me tell you something man

Let me tell you this And you could say whatever you want Or whatever Number one I would have been dead right now If I would have done acid after my mom died When it was real acid When people were getting real acid

It opened up your mind It really did As dumb as this fucking sounds But smoking marijuana opens up your mind If you smoke marijuana If like if you don't smoke marijuana Like we for example You started smoking in the morning

Yeah Putting the iPad I'm a why Whatever iPod Speakers of music And you went for a walk You'd be surprised at the thoughts that come into your head

That's why I always enjoyed marijuana I enjoyed marijuana from the beginning Because now I had somebody to answer my questions That's the truth I think in some ways marijuana It's not necessarily that it gives you the thoughts Is it quiet's all the other thoughts So you can hear the one that was down there in the first place

That's what I loved about I loved Like that's why I don't even drink when I smoke pot I always just settled on reefer Because I didn't like the effect alcohol added to it Alcohol added to yelling screaming effect to it I don't like that I just want to smoke a joint

And put it on out Don't ask me no question That has no meaning to it Because I really don't give a fuck I'd much rather listen to the album What's the last time you put on an album And just sat transfixed? What album was it?

It had to be about three weeks ago I came in here one night I was home all week Like we did the podcast in two nights And I didn't have a spot flight three nights I came in here And it had to be ten o'clock I knew Lee was at the fourth wall

And he wasn't going to stop by And I put on for the first time Okay, we listened to parts of it on the radio But for the first time I listened to both sides Back to back smoking pot here And they fucking destroyed me Pink Floyd

Dark side of the book Yeah My first CD Yeah, like just Listening to the whole album on both sides Made me realize I got up in my comedy game Yeah

Because this was the fourth Of five masterpieces in a row That's never been done Did they have five albums that good? I think it's metal Wish you were here Animals Animals

Dark side of the moon And it ended with the wall The wall Right The original liner Yeah, that is five So even if I remove metal And I put wish you were here

Animals Dark side of the wall And it ends with the wall Dark side of the moon Ends with the wall That's four world class Yeah Those are the four specials that

Even you got up in the living room And gave you the standing ovation Yeah On Netflix or whatever the fuck your platform is They have 15 studio albums Did they really? Crazy Damn

Yeah, and the electronics that were going on in the wall All kinds of like pre-cursors for the music We're listening to today Well, the music we're listening to today Is lacking a lot of things I think it's more costuming Yeah Than music

Did you see that thing yesterday ace freely? Will be your best man for $6,000 In a chapel in Vegas Is it a reality show or for real? No, from October 26th to the 28th If you get married a kiss in Las Vegas For $6,000 healing of Mary And walk her down the aisle

Or be your best man And then sing two songs for you Or something like that I was thinking of splitting it with somebody And getting like a gay marriage And having ace freely be my fucking How funny would that be? Marrying Eddie Bravo in gay church

Right, right In full makeup When full makeup, kiss makeup No, no, no, he's He looks like a bus hit him Yeah You know, people think that I really believe that

If you're doing drugs at your 60s Keep going Yeah Don't stop Like, I stopped at 44 But if you're over 50 Once you stop doing drugs You're gonna look worse

Yeah You're gonna look worse Just keep going Just He looks fucking like a bus hit him But I love to death I think he's one of the funniest people on this planet Yeah

Ace freely Yeah One-on-one When he's high in shit on interviews I fucking laugh He's from the Bronx So he's got that little accent And he's got that attitude

I crack up all the time I watched the interview today with him That he was dead for the first two minutes of it Because I know he was sitting there going What the fuck am I doing with my life? Yeah Yeah I got this fucking kid asking me

About too hot to handle Kiss alive and all this shit But for $6,000, he'll be your best man Shit, I'd do it I'd be someone's best man for $6,000 That's exactly the number, as a matter of fact No less, no more Yeah, but then you gotta put up with the wedding and hang up

I'll be your best man If you pay me $6,000 I walk in, walk you Hug you, take a picture and leave I'll be your best man for $6,000 Oh no, there's no reception If I hang up at the wedding, I got that skyrocketed That's $20

Yeah $25 Hanging out and getting up on stage Yeah That's $50 If you go into the $50,000 I'm hitting you heavy Five minutes, $50,000

And then hang out at your wedding I fucking hate weddings Yeah Oh my gosh Like I fucking hate weddings And do you remember in your 20s loving weddings? No I do

No, no, no Number one, I'm a Cuban Yeah And Spanish people have a thing called quinceañeras Yeah, they go from 8 in the morning till fucking midnight I know, and they have to do it when you're 15 or 16 And I was one of the only Cubans ever And I knew that went through a fucking quinceañera

I signed up The girl asked me to be one of the guys with the tuxedo and the whole thing And I fucking went there in an hour and I faked that I was sick I left and I never went to a quinceañera or anything like that And my mom's friends would beg me My mom would beg me and I'd tell her not in a million fucking years And then my stepdad had a daughter And I went to her wedding

When I was a kid I was a kid, I didn't know what a wedding was about I had an okay time But that shit wedding Where you have to take a plane for somebody Oh yeah That's where it ends Then you show up and they got a table number

You don't even get to choose who you sit with I did that one time I made that mistake in 1987 I went back for a wedding in Jersey You know, it cost me fucking $800, $900 This life didn't have Yeah Right off the bat, you're like, what the fuck am I doing?

I could just put 100 in the envelope and live my fucking life I actually went back there and I hated the whole experience Like now weddings to me have become annoying Yeah It's annoying Yeah And the more bourgeois, the more annoying Yeah

Yeah, because nobody relaxes Yeah, nobody relaxes Yeah The more bourgeois But the worst though is you buy that plane ticket You buy that hotel room You put the money in the envelope And then they sit

Then they give you a knock I'm 32 All right, I'm at table 32 You sit there and you got the second cousin of the bride You don't know the bride Now you're sitting with her second cousin Your friends are all sitting on the other side of the room They got the good table

You got the shit one So for all this money I can't even have the freedom to talk to who I want to talk to at this fucking reception That's crazy So I don't know I like weddings that are just parties The wedding I went to Jersey

If there was 100 people at the wedding 84 would do a blow at the reception Yeah So the cake Nobody was touching the cake Nobody even thought of eating the meal Everybody still had fucking roast beef and half a chicken on the table Thought everybody was sweating

Everybody had their tie off That dance floor was fucking jacked I had never seen nothing like that before There was a line at the bathroom All the conversations were in the bathroom That was the wedding of 87 I remember sitting there going How fucking embarrassing is this

And the families like the old people were sitting like Why are they all in the bathroom? Everybody I remember going into the bathroom And there was a thousand drinks which draws them Like everywhere in the men's bathroom Toilets because God was just going in there Smoking and leaving their drinks in there

Are they still married? No They got the long gun Oh my God They got divorced ten years later They're a long gun But that's the wedding where I found out Whitney Houston did coke

She was there? No The guy that got married on the car wash He told me that Whitney Houston would come in And when they would sweep the back of her car It would be empty spindles Like she would take spindles And throw them in the back seat

I'm like Not only is this a bad wedding But these guys are lying to me Yeah You know what I'm saying? Whitney Houston doesn't do cocaine And look at the fucking story I'll tell you who else had a badass wedding

You know who else had a badass wedding? The first time I got married Was one of the fucking craziest things Because I got in a prison I got in a prison in February And I knocked her up in April And I mean I was snorting I was doing everything with three hands

It's like nothing had happened And I went to a halfway house So my goal was to get out of the halfway house So we set the wedding for $9.99 of $89 That was the wedding date The anniversary just fell a couple days ago We would have been married I don't know, 20-something years

29 years, yeah We would have been married And she... The whole family on her side Was in that I was clean and sober But I had changed my life And I had a weekend pass from the judge So they couldn't piss me till Wednesday legally

So I knew I was gonna go fucking A wall off the reservation So we get to the church My brother's flying And he's gonna be the best man But he had gone to a wedding the night before He went to a wedding the night before And got on a red-eye And came to Colorado

And when he walked in I had a couple of my friends come in When he walked in, the priest pulled me aside The priest goes, I don't know if you know what I did Before I was here I worked with drug addicts in San Francisco You're best man That's not gonna work today

He's got rings around his nose the night before That's how fucked up he was So another friend of mine, Georgie, had to step in And be my best man Mike was in the back fucking habit He was the guy that would sue everybody I had a friend that went on a suing spree He teamed up with this Jew lawyer

And they were just suing people One after the other He got tons of money He got one because he was carrying a tub up a thing And the tub got cut He got one stitch, the guy got him 200 large This Jew was a fucking savage He got him another one

And then he got his wife one Because she was walking down the street with groceries And the kid was on a bicycle on the street She was on the sidewalk This is how good this Jew was as an attorney And the car cut the bike off The bike went into the sidewalk And hit my friends

And she fell down, nothing happened He got her like 80,000 Because she sued the property owner For not having a fence This Jew was just notorious So Mike at the wedding being coked down He's like, I got 8,000 in my pocket And I got about four working

You know what I'm saying? That means he had four lawsuits working They were suing people He was getting commissions The guy's name was Cozy C-O-Z-Z-I I'll never forget that They're like, you need money?

Go see Cozy Like Cozy would sue you Like he just goes see him And then he'll come up with a case for you? He had an idea Yeah, come up with something Did you fall in the last year? It's a pitch meeting

Yeah, it was like he was tremendous But I'll never forget he was loaded Mike was loaded at the time We get married at St. Sacred Heart Church And now we got to go to this courtyard Marry it for the reception But Nebraska's playing Colorado that day One of those big games

And my buddy's a degenerate gambler So as soon as we get to the reception He goes right up to my wife's family He's like, where's the TV? And they're like, TV? There's no TVs here These guys, he brought like three of his friends My other buddy brought like two of his friends

They probably had an ounce and a half of blow Between them We were in the bathroom with my wife's brother She had two brothers But one of the brothers, Joe King, was crazy We were in there It was like a blizzard in there As soon as you walked into the bathroom

You're like, hmm We were snort with three hands I was crying at the wedding I had fucking My nose was leaking And my wife knew I was doing blow She was the poor girl I was like trying to play it off

But what broke the wedding Was when my buddy was like, I'm serious I need a TV And they're like, there's no TVs here He ran to the room He went up to the room He took the TV from the room Brought it downstairs

They gave the stock clerk 20 bucks on extension cord So at the table He had the game on During the wedding? During the wedding And he's young and cherished Do you know my wife mentioned that the divorce She's like, at the wedding

Your friend had a TV at the fucking table Did the photographer get a picture of that? I have no fucking idea I would love to see that picture I think I ripped all those pictures up I ripped them all up So this is when we got divorced I ripped those pictures up

Did he win money that night? I have no fucking idea He was, I ended up I ended up, his daughter just had cancer That's, my niece just had cancer She beat at 18 But that's who helped me out When I got back into comedy

And it was weird because when I moved back I moved back to Jersey in 93 I was just starting to get momentum as an open miker And I stayed with him and his wife His wife was pregnant And he would go out seven nights a week And get fucked up He would get fucked up

And he would go, I'm paying you to stay with my wife And his wife and me would get Chinese food And sea caucus There was a place that was open till two Every night at 11 we'd get $50 worth of Chinese food Egg rolls, fried crêpe, rantudes Whatever the fuck you call it Rangoon

Rangoons We would destroy that fucking thing So when she was pregnant I would smoke pot And she would go, please don't smoke pot with a dog And I would go, what the fuck? Just smoke a little bit And she would smoke a little bit When the baby was born

They had a keeper in the hospital for an extra day Because the baby, it was fucked up The baby came up and stoned this fuck But she's all right, she just got married a month ago In Colorado And she beat cancer The younger sister, Alexa was the one that had the weed That the one I got stoned as a baby

As a fetus As a fetus, the younger one had the cancer Lindsay, which people from the church helped out And sent money to go find me She beat it She beat it Yeah, that embryo is sucking on that umbilical cord It's got the munchies sucking the marrow

Let me tell you something I can't imagine what my mother did when I was in the system Yeah I remember seeing pregnant women smoke in the 70s Oh yeah Fuck Oh yeah They didn't give a fuck

Yeah That shit just started maybe 15 years ago I remember seeing a picture of my mom full Belly full of baby And one of those green creme de mince You remember those fucking record? She used to drink those That was her drink

Cream de mince She was standing there hauling a bright green drink in her hand Well at a certain point Wasn't weren't doctors saying like cigarettes are good for you Like nine out of ten doctors recommend camel I'm pretty sure that at one point they said it was healthy I don't fucking think so They just didn't know the

Like I remember when you were able to Have you been in a plane recently Where they still have asterisks? Oh yeah You ever get on the plane and they still have asterisks You're like what the fuck Yeah, how old is this fucking airplane? How old is this fucking plane?

Yeah They could be in a plane and be able to smoke I still remember that Yeah I said the back You gotta sit in the back The back people would be fucking sparking up Like nothing happened

Yeah I don't remember that But I remember going to restaurants as a kid And there was a smoking section on smoking section My dad used to smoke three packs a day My mom smoked a pack a day And we would drive I mean you know it's in New York where it's cold

You got the windows up six months of the year And just chain smoking Just sit in the back I had asthma too I'd be having fucking asthma attacks And so he cracked the window to give me some air Just to crack And then he would

I remember he would flick the cigarette at the crack You know Like somehow it was magically sucking the ash out It was blowing it in the back seat So not only were we inhaling the fucking smoke We're covering the ashes Ha ha ha ha ha You know

Parents really didn't give a fucking The sixties and seventies No It was such a different fucking world Yeah Just Lately I've been going to You know I have just played dates with the baby

And stuff like that And I tell you what I see a lot I see kids that like playing inside the house This is the third played date that I've been on And the people have huge yards I got a huge yard I throw around Every day in their yard

I throw around in the yard Or I make a play in front of the house Every day for at least a half hour I took her out there yesterday We looked at fucking flowers In front of the house Those things that you blow Dandelions

Dandelions Just to get them Because I'm sick and tired of it We are programming A couple of months ago I went to a beautiful house Cuban people Pool

Fucking jacuzzi Huge yard I'm sitting there watching these parents talking While the kids are running in the fucking house There's fucking expensive lamps You know the whole thing And they're running in the house And I'm fucking

You know I can't relax I can't relax because I smell the accident coming I smell the blood It doesn't take a fucking genius Yeah You know there's eight kids running in the fucking house And I had to fuck Like I had to go back there and go mercy

Get out Like get outside And the other kids are going Well we're having a good time You know when I finally told my wife I go You got to help out too You got to

You're out there sitting there This kid's going to get hurt one day You got to come and answer to me Because I know what you're doing You're sitting down talking with these women When these kids are running But this last week I went to a play date Saturday

And again Guy had a huge backyard with a fucking trampoline They went out there for five minutes And right away The kids were like I want to go inside And they have a huge living room And they're playing soccer in this glass everywhere

And mercy's a mule Mercy's been playing soccer She's won If mercy could do anything It's kick a fucking ball She was kicking Even the people were like Jesus Christ

And I'm like guys I think it's time to go outside Yeah And the kids are like Well I don't want to go outside The parents are like Well he doesn't want to go outside Let's force him outside

Let's force him to go outside You know let's force him to get some fucking vitamin D That's why these kids don't go out I've noticed it lately They don't go out I don't want my daughter You know my daughter's only allowed to be on the computer Ten minutes

You know that right My wife's got her on the Nazi program With the timer and everything Ten minutes a day Ten minutes at night And ten minutes when she gets home from school Geez That's it

Because she doesn't want that That world Good That's great I don't want her to get involved in that world And by the way Well this subject here I don't live on social media

I check it You know what I'm saying? Yeah Like every three or four hours I check social media So I'll go home and check Twitter If I'm out Like I don't have Facebook on my phone

So you can face me till you're blue with the fucking face I don't know what you're talking to me about Facebook? Yeah Yeah I check it twice a year I don't have Facebook on my phone I get on Facebook for two, three minutes I promote I answer some emails

But I don't check it all day long And the same thing with Twitter I'm not on Twitter all day long I check it And I move on with my life There are people that around that motherfucker Constantly Constantly

You look to see who's tweeting Kate Quigley Is constantly tweeting Dean Dowray I don't know how the fuck he has the time to be here It's a bad fucking habit Rogan I spoke to him last night He goes

I asked him how the hunting trip went He goes I had a really good time He goes you know what the best part of the hunting trip was? There was no internet there for a week I go what kind of whatever did you have the first few hours? He goes the first day was a little rough After that It was smooth sailing

It was great to give it a fucking breather Yeah Guys do me a favor Scott Cunningham The whole fucking Facebook group All you guys I love you to death But stop Go outside

Go do something Yeah There's guys that around there All fucking day Talking about shit at the end of the week It doesn't matter I know and then I see comics like that And then I see him at the club

And they got no new material They're doing the same shit I look at them like You know you could have spent all that fucking time This We're going to your act It is a time for this And there's a time

It's like I was telling Lee That When I was 27 locked up A black guy in the kitchen made a comment to me We were told we had like insomnia one night We were talking and he goes you know Think about all the shit you spent your energy on

That's bad And even the thinking Think if you took that energy and expanded into something good And ever since that statement with him I looked at everything a lot differently I love football I love football But I don't have eight hours to watch football

Prior to that I'll never forget I could sit In Colorado Especially in Aspen From The seasons from November 18th

To maybe March 15th And then from So May There's nothing going on in Aspen Like if you live in Aspen Only the locals will work And they close the restaurants The ski shops are closed

Everything's closed And everybody goes away I would stay You know why I would stay Lee? Because I would get up at 8 in the morning Get a bong Even my girlfriend would go back to her parents' house And visit them in Boulder

And I would stay in that house All fucking day Watching movies Like I could stay there All day Going for movie VHS I could sit

And watch six movies in one day And watch one movie twice And I would get up to go to the bathroom Eat But I would do that Three days a week No shit Watch movies

Every fucking movie that you think When I worked at that video store I would go there and take ten movies No porn They had everything That's when the sixteen-year-old was sucking dick It was Tracy Lloyds Yeah

That's when Tracy Lloyds was huge Yeah The octopus in the pussy Tracy does Japan Tracy does Tokyo She put an octopus in the pussy Like an octopus wing One of the fucking

Just one Not all eight Not all eight No, that's a fucking That's a pisser right there I had eight octopus arms in my monkey What are you fucking kidding me? And they all had a condom on it

That could be a sex toy, man You should develop the octopus The octopus and put eight different women on there But then you end up like fucking Judge Karowak over here Like he choked one of them Whatever his fucking name was You can't even invent the dildo now

They'll throw you in jail It feels like a merry-go-round almost Yeah, it's like a merry-go-round in a dick Like with a foot in between them and shit How funny would that be? I was telling them a story one time At the ice house I went to this gay bar Ram runs

And on certain nights Like I didn't know Every night they had a different theme night And one night I went in there Like one night it was piss on somebody night Like spit on somebody night Like that big guy in the third floor on a tub But I went in there one time

And there was a guy And they were playing like Wheel of Fortune It wasn't called Wheel of Fortune It was called like Spin the Cock And the guy with They would tie him up naked Like on a clay Jesus But spread his legs

On a wheel On a wheel And if he won the ballot Or whatever they would make him go upside down And somebody would suck his dick Why he was upside down And I'll never forget The winner or the loser

I don't know I don't know what the fuck But I'll never forget going in there one night on a lude Looking for a grandma blow Like me and my buddies Like that was the last resort to get blow And we went in there And everybody was around this

Like you know, cheering Go, go, go, go And I'm at the bar like Yeah, let me get a grandma blow And the guy's like, hold on five minutes And I'm like, what's going on over there? And it's like, oh, you didn't know Because he was gay as fuck this guy

His name was Joe Gash He goes, you didn't know It's, you know, Wheel of Cock Night or whatever So I go over this poor bastard Who's upside down And this fucking Puerto Rican little mustache And little earring Is sucking that pipe

But I figured out I got to know this for years Like this type of shit You're not supposed to see that when you're 18 But here's the thing I don't Here's the thing I don't understand about Joey Diaz And the church, what's happening in general If I had one story that good

You would know I had that story Because I would have told I would have already told it 30 times This is one of many That's what I'm saying But I thought about it And I thought about one thing I'll never forget

That he was sucking the guy's dick And that was behind him And all these gay guys were like, go, go, go, go Is bankrupt? Bankrupt? You got to eat his asshole? No, I don't know I don't know

The guy's upside down He's yelling Because the blood's in his head So this guy's sucking his dick But I'll never forget that Something made me go around And look at what the guy What looked like

That was sucking his dick And he was sucking it You understand me? With all the blood goes to your head I don't think your dick gets hard So this guy had both his cheeks connected Like he was like And I'll never forget

At that time I don't even think I got my dick sucked But that's pretty interesting That guy's sucking for his life Like he was sucking for his fucking life I love how you pass out at the set of blood But you just sit there and watch this I watched it for about a minute And then I went back

Got my grandma coke and left And then I said to her, nobody There's nobody's business You know what I'm saying? That's all I got His dick goes right down Who says that type of shit to people? Who watches that type of shit?

You gotta watch it If it happens in front of you at least one time You have to wait for his coke You gotta wait for the coke I might as well watch what's going on What's going on with the talent You know what I'm saying? Maybe I want to jump in

I would love to get my dick sucked If I was upside down I think I'd get a panic attack Thinking back like if my head is underneath I don't care how hot she is If she's just sucking my dick Well, it's a race between passing out and coming Is that what it is?

Yeah I think You hear about these people that Asphyxiate themselves while they masturbate And I've always thought You know, I've masturbated for a lot of years And I'm good But could I take it to another level?

No But I'm afraid what if I did And I forgot to let go of my neck Or whatever That's not the way you want to be remembering Okay, so like the guy from the XS He goes into a room I think he was in a closet

And he put his belt around his neck You put your belt around your neck And you hold one and pick your weight up Or you just choked yourself I think you have to tie it off Because this is how David Carradine One of the Carradine brothers died doing that And then Robin Williams supposedly

Am I wrong? So let's go back here So it's like suicide While you jerk it off Yeah, you try to choke yourself You know how when you're getting choked out You get lightheaded and a little euphoric So I guess you combine that with masturbation

And it takes To me, masturbation after all these years Is still so fucking good Like I don't picture making it better It's like it's all in my control It's joy It's a release There's a little shame afterwards

But the actual experience of it I still can't believe after all these years There's nothing that I still enjoy As much as that one activity And there's nothing else close You know, when it comes to me I like banging one out But I like banging them out of the road

Yeah Like in the shower In the shower Like I love banging one out in the shower When I can lay down and sit And I got time Like I'm dishing my hair And I shave

So you lay down in the shower? I love that shit I hope for years I lay down in the shower To me, it's If when I get off a plane That's the thing I look most forward to When I land

Especially at a hotel That's why when I go to these fancy, fancy hotels I don't have a shower curtain I don't have the whole glass anymore They don't have a tub Yeah, they pissed me off I turn the hot water on I fucking smoke a half of them

But sometimes I'll take a little piece of a Xanax And I just sit in that water And I fucking think I wait till it gets hot Nice and steamy 20 minutes in You shave It's like shaving through butter

Yeah You know How long you in there for altogether? Sometimes an hour Sometimes two hours The fucking room The shower at the You're gonna get a call from the

From Greenpeace about that one I don't give a fuck Where's the hotel I stay at? South Point South Point Shower Is Where the brick ends Yeah

All the way to there Yeah You walk in You open the thing They have a sink In the shower And then they have a gun And then they have a shower

And then they have water that comes out of the walls And they have a little bench You know how many times I've gotten up there Four in the morning Rolled a fucking joint Smoked it Gotten toasted Because I paid a 255 there

I don't give a fuck Because by the time they It's just a big room I'll pay I'll smoke a joint in the bathroom I'll sit there from four to six thirty Thankful about my life Imagine a neighbor at Lee

You know, cause you can hear that shower going The next room in the hotel He has a big room in that thing He's been in there But you used to do that When you were big, right? You used to sleep in there? When I had the sleep apnea

I realized that the only way I could fall asleep Is if I was on an angle Yeah And you know You go to these people's houses They're rich And You would take a shower with somebody rich's house

One point eight million Two million dollars After ten minutes they got no hot water You got a waste of the house Yeah You got your house is a waste Yeah Ten minutes

And I gotta wait another half hour for the water to get hot You got beat Right I lived in a building in Hollywood And they had one of those old tanks Do you know I used to sleep in there? You keep the water running while you slept? Because that's the only way I could sleep

When I had the sleep apnea I was four hundred pounds So I would go in the tub I'd take a pillow And I'd put a garbage bag on it Because One of those fucking hefty hefty hefty hefty There's so many ways you could die

I would fucking close off the pillow I would put it behind me I would put the hot water on it And it would hit like my stomach And I'd just fucking sleep there When I'd wake up The paint would be peeling off the wall Before we moved there

We had to paint the bathroom I peeled the primer off the wall Sheet rock was coming off Mold The fucking top was just mold Yeah And you could see where it was just dripped With brown mold

Every time you would paint it The mold would come right through When I fucking first got diagnosed with sleep apnea That's the only way I could sleep I love showers Yeah I've always loved showers I don't understand dirty people

Whatsoever Do you take baths? No I don't want to bathe in the same water The germs that came on I want the stuff to flush Okay I want to sit

Baths Baths is something Like drinking for me Like in the 70s When you watch a TV show Greg walked in here In the 70s I would turn around and have a bar

With a bottle filled with brown booze It could be scotch, bourbon, whiskey You don't know But you didn't have the balls to ask I poured two of them And I just gave it to you That was the 70s That's what we learned from

I don't even know where I'm going With this conversation But uh Baths Oh, baths Baths has always been something else That seemed overrated You ever see some people on TV

They take a bath And it's like their whole world changes Dude, I love baths They get in there with bubbles And they sit back and drop a music Right Right And they close their eyes

And they make believe they're having a good time Yeah That's two minutes for me That's like a hand job I don't like that shit I want action I want continuous water Well, what about a jacuzzi tub?

That sounds like the answer for you No, I like the water coming on I like the water hitting me in the face I like water hitting me on the titties On my stomach I sit in the back I'll just sit there with one leg up Like a thinker

Yeah I'll just go in there and clear my head You know, when we were going Clear out the fucking reservoir in that town too When we were going through a drought here in LA You couldn't take showers And I lived next to hippies When I lived in Cunston

I lived next to hippies So I would take showers And they would yell There's a water restriction I would go, fuck you So now I couldn't, you know, abuse the water in LA I would take six, seven minute showers

Yeah But when I go on the road That's the first thing I do When I get off a plane Listen, you ever wait to get on a plane? You see what comes off that plane? It's like jungle fucking fever It's somebody from every different country

Breathing something fucking else And one of those is a fucking travel band The league just made it audible You make that fucking I'm telling you from your face here, guys I'm not trying to be racist or a bad person But look at all the people that are coming off that plane All the national, all the different countries

They came in from What do you think that plane is? One big germ Didn't we just have to land the plane Because people got off the plane coughing In Philadelphia in these international flights? I'm not lying to you Before, how can you

Now, let me ask you a question Break the sentence Just so people know Home of not lying Have you ever seen the last person get off? Oh, it's yeah How long till they start boarding? Two minutes

They don't even spray Lysol on the fucking plane Oh, no, they're waiting by the time If you're, if you board from the back of the plane By the time you get to the 10th row That army has already They've already been on They've already cleared the first 10 rows They're worried by the time

Five minutes later That thing is gone The only thing they got time to do Is steal your shit Because I have left about a half a dozen things On planes in the last few years Laptop, computer, a phone Couple hats

Nice hats Nothing ever gets returned And I always fill out the accent Those people are fucking They're thieves That's granted They're probably being underpaid Whatever

But that shouldn't make you a thief You know, they got the bag The garbage bag They take your computer They put it inside They hold onto it And then they, uh, and then they sell it later Well, they had that TSA guy

Who had like a house full of iPads Oh, no shit That was a couple years ago Let me look at it Really? Yeah No, but I don't trust planes Just because the fact that

Life saw the plane down And at least in first class Get that wipes and wiped down the headrest Yeah I don't know what this guy's fucking hair has been Right I don't know I don't know what the fuck

Maybe he was at that fucking game while last night Getting his dick slept And his hair was touching 20 pounds of sperm from the 80s I don't fucking know What about that TV screen? You know They have to touch to order stuff

All that stuff All that stuff I bring handy wipes with me Yeah Like my wife got me a thing of handy wipes I put it on the behind the line Do you really? Oh yeah, man

I wiped down my fucking handles When I get off a plane There's one thing for me to do And I have to take a shower Soon as I get off that plane I got a Mayuba Whether it's going or coming When I get home on Sundays

My kids are already gone They're a church My wife is at church already So I'm walking in at 9.30 I unload everything I put what belongs in my office In the office I put the laundry away

I strip down naked And I go in that fucking In that shower When I scrub, tub, wob Everything comes off Then I take the homecoming shit Because all weekend Why'd you shit before the shower?

Because No, I do take the homecoming shit Before the shower I'm lying to you I take the 40-inch shit Because the whole weekend Your asshole isn't accustomed to the toilet You're shit not

So it's embarrassed It only lets out like 8-inch dumps of 4 inches Little Cuban cigars You're like What the fuck? What's going on with my system? Let me tell you something

Soon as my asshole hits the 101 That little magneto From the 405 to the 101 And I blast that one fart In the fucking In that Uber And I got to open up the window And the Uber driver's talking

Fucking Arabic on the phone To his cousin And I blast that fucking Pre-fart That last blast Of three fucking days of eating On the road Your body's not used to that

Soon as I walk in I just drop my luggage Go to the bathroom And it's like a 40-inch That just comes out And breaks in half You break the surface of the water That's a victory

It looks like a question mark Sometimes the riddler Took a shit in my bathtub I take a picture And send it to Thompson You sent it to me A couple of weeks ago You know what I mean?

You can't unsee that shit either No, you can't And I won't put it on Twitter no more Because then people send you shit pictures You used to put it on Twitter? No, if it's a good one You got it Like if it breaks in half

It looks like a cane that's broken The one I sent him Looked like it was a bullshit mistake Yeah, skinny Yeah, it was really skinny But it was long and it was fucked It was like the hemorrhoid Tapped into the shit

And put a dent in it It's like when you shoot a bullet You can tell what gun it belongs to If somebody looks at that shit They're like, this came out of Joey Diaz's ass It's got the markings Like a mug shot Like a mug shot

I had to text him like three or four times So it would stop showing up in the window And I didn't even see it I saw it like two days later You didn't say a word I must have missed the text And opened my cursor Oh my god, that's terrible

What's unbelievable is when you It's so long that the head of it goes down Down the drain Oh, I like that Down the tube So you only see it It's like a It's like a iceberg

You're only seeing the top The body You're already clogged up the pipe And then you get a swirl going On a real soft thin one You can get a swirl going That keeps snaking And you think

I don't think I was rotating my pelvis on that But that is a perfect curl And it's about, you know 1,800 degrees of curl Benchy yogurt type Yes It's like one of those Benchy's And then on the lap

And then when you clip it And you look down And you broke the water That's a celebration The one I like is the one where I'm sitting there And I got to push it for a couple of minutes And then it feels like I could feel my asshole Expanding when I'm all constricted

Like I could feel it actually going Like you're about to give birth? Woof, yeah Woof, I always got to go like Ugh And I look down And it's like a fucking It's like a 22-inch ship

But in the middle it's got like two little Like it looks like a snake That ate like two birds It's got like a lump in the front And a lump in the back Oh my God Those are tremendous I like the ones that come out clean

Like clean Like you have to wipe your ass Yeah They call that a A white flag, I think Because on the Because on the wipe you get nothing on it That goes to the intelligence level on the podcast this afternoon

It's a good thing when I'm running for president But then if you're If you're photographing it That means you got to take the toilet paper after you wipe And you got to try to drop it In front of it or behind it So you get a clean shot of the shit Like what did you do when you sent that picture to Lee?

I just took it Took it It's not every day But where was the toilet paper? In the photograph I don't think I had I didn't need that Oh you two

What? Sometimes Sometimes if I know What? Sometimes it's clean Sometimes you just wipe it How do you know? Because you wipe it

Oh on the first wipe If you get a white sheet You walk away No I wait a couple more minutes Because there's always a by the way There's always something There's always something And then you get in the car

And leave someone Your ass is spicy Like it has a little burn to it And then you go home And you put toilet paper There's a little piece of shit in your ass So I always wipe it And then give it a few minutes

That's why I have a door in my bathroom To the outside And I smoke pot Because when I cough Whatever's stuck in there Will come out at the same time So when you go Ah!

All of a sudden you blah Bah! Bah! It starts dropping out That's my inventive So if you use it Give me credit for it I'll come out and see you in 110 years

Smoking marijuana while taking this shit Is good for you out And the whole time I had been doing it Since fucking I moved into this place You should make like a bathroom bomb Like they have the squatty potty That helps you should make like a smoking kit For the bathroom

Alright No, because every time I smoke That's what I do I get off that plane I put my shit away And I go in that bathroom I open up the back door I can't imagine

I always save a nougat The best weed I took Yeah So I don't have to go right to the weed store There's always weed waiting for me on Sunday Yeah I fucking blast that off Full of the shower

And I'm good for Sunday I don't do dickers I just can't imagine I'm trying to picture Joey Diaz And again I don't want to picture your ass But I'm picturing your ass Taking a 22 inch dump

And followed by one wipe That frightens me Sometimes Sometimes That's like the fucking You know That's like a ship going down You send out one life preserver after it

Sometimes I take toilet paper And take a rip of it And put it down first So when the shit lands It doesn't splash Yeah What? Yeah, yeah, I do that

That's how much we're professional I do that So you lay a base for it to land on? And it doesn't splash? Yeah, you make a nest Like a little runway Like a sort of plain nose way to land You pull a little runway

The asshole sees it It dips it right there So when you flush it goes down even easier You're gonna clean the bathroom of your somebody's house In a hotel That's right It's courtesy It's a courtesy move

This is a gentleman do I've heard like 8,000 shit stories I've never heard of laying down until That's why the church is here So you can always learn See the church is not about ha ha's and he's We want you to take something home with you That you learn something

You know I learned this today on the church I didn't know that if you put paper down first It goes down the rabbit hole a lot easier Just to Yeah, it's the lessons that are learned It's like an after school special You always walk away feeling a little moved And a little informed

I never do that story about you About college That's something that stays with you For life Yeah You know I don't drink and drive I just I refuse

I barely smoke pot and drive I don't like drinking and drive You know why When I was 18 I saw an RX-7 Fucking hit a pole And I heard the girl yelling inside Yeah

My boyfriend's dead Get me out of hand The jaws of life And The fireman was on top of a car Cutting And you can see the blood on the windshield And I made a mental note

That was PTSD for me That's like you know I didn't look at it I haven't really looked at it from that perspective in the last Couple weeks I think because you have an older daughter You look at it from that perspective The shock value

You know I give thanks every day I give thanks to the Lord for letting me live to be 55 I give thanks to being at this point in my career But I give thanks for when my mother died That I didn't get taken in by animals Like I could look you in the eye And tell you as a man

That anybody I had contact with in those days Nothing had to do with a sexual thing That fucked with me in my head Right I'm very fortunate That I was around legit Americans You know That nobody took me in to fucking bless me

Or do crazy But I couldn't imagine the afterburner effect of it You know it's like Joe asked me one time Do you ever have a girlfriend that killed herself Or something like that Or I know I would kill myself If I sucked my own dick You know what I'm saying?

Like if I knew I sucked my disgusting dick I would kill myself But that's just me being honest You know So you're shocked that any girl that sucked your dick Is not yet suicidal No, no, no I'm just saying that

You wouldn't be surprised I always Or they all have a kind of a Even if they seem okay There's like a little bit of a far away look in their eyes Like there's something they're not quite over yet There's something that they've seen That's

They can't unsee They can't unsee it Or taste I saw a girl about ten years ago That I had dated for a while Kind of enough You know, we would get high And I'll never forget that

One night I saw her at the store or something And she goes Can you give me a ride home? But that time I had a girlfriend I had no intention of banging her She was just drunk And she was You know, she was taunting me to go up the store

She was testing me To see what my loyalties were Yeah And before she got out of the car She looked at me and she goes You know what I've always thought about? That I licked your balls And she got out of the car and slammed the door

And she goes You know how disgusting that is? She would get hammered It sucked my dick and licked my balls And she licked my balls What do you say to that? Nothing Goodbye

Good night I guess the night's over I wasn't even looking for a nookie cookie and nothing She was drunk And she said Fine, you're not coming up to have a nightcap And I'm like No, I'm going home

But you know I don't drink and drive And she was like Fine then And she was getting out She looked at me She goes You know You know what I've always thought about on a daily basis?

That I licked your disgusting balls at one time And she slammed the door Whatever Whatever drives you through life I'm pussy too And there was no fucking cream to the crumpet You know what I'm saying? I had a couple lines in me

I'm eating this fucking Eastern fact that fucking thing I wake up with a fucking roll in my mouth You know what I'm saying? With a butter roll in my mouth Ha ha ha When you're coast up and doing drugs You don't eat anything

I ate a girl one time But I could see the chlamydia juice No, stop it Like it dripped And it's the thing Oh Jesus Christ Like it dripped out But it had dried

Oh Jesus Christ And it had dried And I'm there licking the noodle And I looked down And I see this little like I don't like the At least politics chin after a bong And he has a nerve to yell at me

But where are you? But you're you're looking chlamydia juice who gives a fuck at least you having a good time You eat this is only a good time to make up those and hummus. You got a fly chasing you I'm surprised you're never flying your neck tonight. You filthy fuck eat that hummus here This is a pet fly this guy's the only guy that's got a pet fly and he brings you know, I don't it's you Every time I kill him He's got flies and follow all the time Fly around his neck all the time he eats something he leaves the door open. No, he doesn't I leave the fly in the fly

I'll come right in sit on his lap. He's over there pet them like a fucking sir He's got a service fly Yeah, you got like a little service fly that's his friend This guy shows up at the end, but I got a board first me and my service fly Is it on a leash or I got service flies That little bathroom might take shit. So yeah, I have all my way which bath the bathroom. Yeah, I have a back bathroom connected to my office They could open the door and take a shit and it's funny that that's the only place you shit in the house

Yeah, cuz I'm just cost controversy anywhere. Yeah, the other bathroom is in between Mercy and my wife's room I'll fuck that bathroom up Yeah, and the other bathroom is outside of Mercy's door, and it's just too small Like I feel claustrophobic in there and I can't move this to too much chicken with this toy I can't shit with this toys. Yeah, yeah There's like a little black doll looking at you Now you want to see you want to see an ace freely bobblehead Yeah, I want my leg loose. Yeah, I like my legs outward. Yep. I take a leg out of the pants. Do you oh fuck?

Yeah, I want to be loose. I don't like that. You're gonna fuck your fuck somebody with handcuffs on their legs Why would you do that to your son? I take this shit. I take the legs out of the pants I open up those two legs like I a fucking home before it wait. What about in public bathrooms that too? Fuck I don't give a fuck If you're looking in here means you're looking for dick to the people Man you're supposed to be like a catcher I Take the leg on then I rip my one-ass cheek up and I put it on the toilet seat So there's no misunderstanding so my asshole is in perfect

It's like when the Koreans are gonna send the missile, you know that thing moves over Just like that. I'm positioned to open up the fucking thing and once I sit I can't get up Yeah, if you get up my ass sticks to the toilet seat my nutsack will go under the toilet thing and I'll sit on it You know many times because I don't put my balls in the toilet. I don't do that because I respect women No, I don't sit all the way back. I put my balls over I take toilet paper and put on the toilet seat Oh, I see yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't put it on the seat No, I don't want I don't want people Joe I've never heard of anybody putting their balls in a toilet seat in my life. I'll kill us

I don't want I don't want my wife to lick a thousand set of balls if she licks my balls I've been doing this as I was single. I don't want a woman licking bad balls So I'll put toilet paper down put my nutsack on it But if I get up, yeah, like if I get up to flush or something Yeah, sometimes the toilet seat sticks to my nutsack to my leg skin and my nuts go under the toilet You know me No, many times I smashed my my nuts under the toilet seat because I've got up for a reason. Yeah, more than once. Oh Now I hold them now after years

I hold them and I get up to do anything and I sit back down Yeah, I have a whole process so wait you're at the front of the toilet. I'm trying to tell my brother Okay, so that I instead of taking you see you see those containers of weed Yeah, those are all new so instead of throwing them away what I do is I have these flies They get caught in the bathroom Yeah, and they get caught like a glass and they get all fucking retarded You ever see a fly whenever the glass by the sun. Yeah, they get like their vision is lost So they start getting close to me

So I take one of those cans and I leave the dust in it from the weed and I take the fly I'll hit it like oh, I'll just capture and I take like a wing off and I'll put them in there And I'll close them in there and I'll put holes on top of the fucking things so they can breathe And I just leave in there so I can experiment with weed for three or four days just the corners Don't give me flies. I let out and they don't want to go nowhere No, they don't have one way they can still fly part-time It's a one-way trip. They can take a lot of lefts. Oh my god. You have no idea how much fun I have with those flies I got like three of them. I got two of them in there now

They've been in there for like two days. It would have flies live a week Let them let them have a good half a life. I take a little starbucks Coffee stick and I take a little piece of shit and I'm feeding to them just to keep my life. It's shit I it's like oh, he's TAC lumber. What do you call those chocolate bars with nuts around them? They give away on Christmas. Will you a little truffles? So they got like a little weed truffle. They get shit wrapped up with a little weed But and they get fucking crazy. He's like Hannibal Lecter feeding the girl on the well That's my therapist about this

Now where do you get the shit that's not your shit No, I borrowed from the guy next door. Yeah, it's my shit I go next door knock on his door. You take a shit yet. Let me fucking scoop some up And you take a shit and you take that test yet when you're 50 when you take a little piece of your shit mail it in You think that's that's why don't use those starbucks sticks you're gonna start with have those wooden sticks The same ones you use to cut the shit Why don't you just use your cat shit you have Because that's not fair. They don't want to catch it. They want good human shit. It's like giving them this is grass fed

Refa, this is free-range jelly. I'm eating chicken from Kansas City That's been kicked in the cage. I take care of my flies. You know what I'm saying? I want my flies to have the best marriage They got to be strong Yeah, and then I got to beat weed for two days. There was like three flies. I turned over the shit was gone There was little TAC dust left. They just lived on my counter for like four days. I went away. I came back There was one left. I don't know what happened to the two other ones What if the flies talk about you know, they're like is you're going to that guy's house? Yeah

I don't give a fuck. That's what I wanted to get the word out or don't go there The main thing is to tell their friends don't go in there the guy's fucking medieval. He put me in a fucking He was like the black guy from Pope fiction. He got four heart-cracking pipe motherfuckers to come over here Go medieval on jazz and I always take one of their wings off. I always take one of their wings off Just let them know the bosses And then I gotta wash my hands 18 times Because the disgusting They're bored out of shit. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's nasty

Yeah, we used to have cockroaches in college freshman year The dorm rooms because all the kids were drinking beer and we wanted to get the five cents back So you'd keep you have three cases of beer cans or bottles in your room You know stashed under your desk under the bed and the cockroaches would come and That's like a super food for cockroach beer. They love that shit And so there was so many on the dresser I would take a cup from the cafeteria clear a clear cup and I'd put the roaches underneath it I catch them throw it under and there would be like a death match

So it'd be like eight or ten cockroaches and they would they would they would they would start eating each other after a while And then they would they would lock off and then one would die and they'd all eat the body then another one would die And they attack each other and that was entertainment for us for a year How would you catch the roaches again? You just grab them and then you slide them under the cup Oh, well, so you put the cup over. Yeah, and then you just put them into the jar. Yeah, how big were the roaches? No, not water bug big, you know like I would say Half the size of your pinky. I Don't know what it is. Oh what it since I was a kid. I've hated flies. I

Fucking hate it fly. I've been killing flies for 55 fucking years. I hate flies. I'm good at it, too Yeah, quick hands with flies. I'd I'd zero and catch I can catch the big ones I guess I was a tough I can catch him or kill him I know how to I know how to de-able him like I don't like fuck him up a little bit Yeah, just to just clap him and they're still alive because if you smack him the shit comes out of the back to the dead Yeah, they don't live We just gotta be able just to smack them and I know exactly how to do it Well, you know the key is they say to come up

Directly behind them. They can't see behind them So when they're sitting on the counter take your hand flat and just move it slowly and you can literally get You can get within an inch of that fly and then once you're there they sense a cake Yeah, but they sense they have sensors they sense movement movement So you got to move so slow They don't notice you coming up and then once you're there you just you just you don't even have to move your hand that fast Just close just close it as you move in their direction You got it and then I slam it on the ground till they get dizzy and then I pick them up and take them outside

I think I don't know if a lot of people are especially from the church. You haven't been on in a while You've been writing yeah a couple years. Yeah, but went back to and not a fucking regular show But a hit show crashing crashing. Yeah seasons. Yeah, last day. It's been on for three I did the second and the third season and You know, I've been but I've been right ever since my son was born So like 16 years I've been writing on shows almost every year like I usually I get my I get a job I make sure I make enough where I get my health coverage for the year So I can go talk to a shrink so I can get some shots of my ass

Whatever I need it's taken care of by the writer's guilt Just got to make sure I work a certain amount of months and every year I get it But this these past two years have been much more full-time, you know, like this show The show is like we work a couple months in LA and then we go to New York for like three and a half months So in LA you do the beginning of the writing. Yeah, we write the scripts. We we pitch the ideas You know, it's a lot of comics and we sit in a room Ian Ian Edwards has been a part of it the last couple years and uh, Jamie Lee and you know, Pete Holmes and So we sit in a room. We all just tell road stories

Just like what's the most twisted shit that happened you on the road? But you know waitress that you hooked up with at the back at the condo or a club owner that fucked you over And you just tell these stories and then they they just get put on cards up on the wall And then later on we're trying to figure out episodes and we pull from those And it's really weird because you see like like this past season There was a story right out of my act that we ended up shooting Not out of my act out of my life the summit had happened to me on the road and I pitched it out all sudden You know, you're shooting it with actors and you're like, this is fucking trippy, you know

and uh, but but I think it's uh It's the best way to write for me is like just stories. It's stuff to sit in a room And uh, I've written on shows where the characters are pre fab It's like those houses you buy and then they move them to the site and they plop them down That's what the scripts feel like like this is what the network likes They want uh, they want four characters workplace, you know, these these two are dating and there's so many rules That by the time you write the script is no creativity left And with a show like this it all starts from just stories

And so you sit around you tell a good story and then You don't have to stop down the thing about hbo or amazon or or netflix Is you don't first of all you can curse you can show sex whatever second of all You don't get notes from the network hbo does not send notes. We shoot the show You know, if they if we get notes, it's minimal very minimal And they say we trust you. It's jet apatow. Do your thing and then at the end of it Lock up give us the keys. We'll let you know if you can do another season. That's it

And then we also don't have commercial breaks. So one of the things about uh sitcoms It's so hard is that there's two commercial breaks So you got to have two cliffhangers in every episode you got to have twice Where you got the audience where he's like, we got to give him something that they're going to sit through a fucking Matthew McConaughey add for a car and a watch commercial and a mr. Clean commercial and and and so It falsely puts things into the story that build up the stakes So you got to deal with that So if you're not dealing with that dynamic or notes from the network, then you can actually write stories that flow

I like the show I when I first watched it the first season It took a couple episodes for me to fall in love with it because it brought me back to my open mic in When I was walking around new york, there was no barking yet There was no barking, but you still had to Sell tickets for people to come to your show. Yeah, so they would like uh, what was his name lucifer over Lucian holt russian holt comic strip will give you 20 tickets to sell for 40 bucks and you kept 20 You gave them 20 they never got that 20 from me

I just sold the tickets and kept the money And depending on how many tickets you sold you get stage time like that was my thing, you know You guys did an episode where? He started dating a girl and they went to naka Right and she did well and he didn't and that's the he did well and she did well and she didn't yeah And it was the it was a great episode for me because it was like that's why you don't date a comic Yeah, like these are the lessons where you don't date a comic, you know, you have them do a warm-up work Which it just took the comic through different levels for a guy like me. I enjoy it

I watch it every sunday when it came on Because we do the podcast at eight so we get to show it like six or six thirty young In california. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, and I like the one on showtime too. Believe it or not. I like them both I'm dying up here. Yeah, I like them both. You know, they're not well one's a drama and one's a comedy So they're different enough, you know, and uh, I think the tone is very different with their show. I think there's a lot more stakes about Success whereas with pete it's as much about his journey as a person leaving the Christian faith and getting exposed to kind of this dark this darker world And his transition out of that and having relationships for the first time

So I think in this past season it's probably more about career than the other ones were Because he was still getting his footing. I think personally in the first two first two seasons It's uh, it's a weird Place to be where pete is on that show. Yeah, it's a weird place to be as a comic. You're in the middle of that World, you know, and you have to have this certain Certain humblest to you You have to you know, keep your mouth shut Keep your ears open, you know, you guys had him go from couch to couch for a while

The funny thing is The him and already perspective. Yeah, which I always thought already should have been a lot bigger With him and scared him like When I first started coming had a guy named Rick Curran. So I love deal. I still speak direct He's a writer or so. He wrote he writes from Ron White and My first couple experiences on the road with him were just like I don't think I can handle this Like I don't think I'm gonna

What are you talking about like the first time I because I beat my house at four to pick me up pick you up And I got there and he's like around parking car over here. We're taking my truck You're driving. I can't drive. I got 3d ui's And then the first stop is at the liquor store And he goes in he comes out and he takes out half a gatorade and puts the whole thing a lock in there And then we had a stop at his coke dealer's house And he came out of the car and you know, it's four in the afternoon. He's like

All right, get on the interstate And and you're learning about his car and he's scaring the shit out of me the more You know, you want to sip of this and not only is he drinking the vodka and whatever But he's drinking and I'm not talking about rick courage in particular I'm talking about when I first started I would work with other comics that while they were drinking They had a bottle and they were drinking that they were doing drugs They stopped the gamble and I'm like is this what I want to be. Yeah I worked with a guy that killed himself a couple years about

2000 he hung himself at the lap stop Oh, yeah, you remember that guy he was he you they said the guy was really really was going to be a star But the drugs he got deals this he was a star. I met him Oh, I know who you're talking about. I met him at 93 and people were like, bro That dude's a badass comic drugs and should just fuck them up And I'll never forget it was that was the situation He took a bus in from Denver And I picked them up somewhere in boulder and from the minute he got in the car. I was like

All right, let's go for booze. And I'm like, what are you talking about? We're professionals. What are you talking about? You want to be a comic or you want to be a pussy kid? And next thing, you know, we're at a fucking drug house in longmont, colorado At a park buying like coke from fucking people don't speak english and shit And they were his friends and the next thing, you know, we're driving to four collins And the next morning I had to get back. He called me at eight in the morning to drive an hour to to an or to a horse track He was a degenerate horse guy and I mean eight in the morning. He's already doing blow with drinking and popping pills

And telling me kid if you want to make it in this business, you better take a fucking pill, you know, and I'm like, wow, okay All that shit is what I wanted to see like from already in him Yeah already because people like that don't really know I didn't know that the show was basically Him being taken out of his christian based and becoming a comic. Yeah now it makes more sense to me Yeah, that's a big part of it and that's hard. That's hard You know, when you have to take somebody away from their basic fundamentals Like for me, once I read Lenny Bruce I knew this wasn't going to be a

Ladies gentleman Lenny Bruce We lived at the chelsea hotel in harrowing when I read that I knew what I was getting myself into I'm like, okay, I'm gonna prepare myself, but I wanted the viewer at home Turn on that this and fucking crazy comics out there That you know, they did that show on a and e about the dark side of comedy and didn't come close now I remember I remember when I started out. I was a I was an mc Back then like I I came out of boston, you know with joe where we didn't go on the road We had new england

So we went to new hampshire one night the next night we go down to east providence front island Next night you're in main and never a hotel never a hotel you drive three four hours to get to a gig sometimes They'd give you they'd give you a check that may or may not bounce because it's from out of state You get back in the car you drive through four hours home again and uh And I remember um I finally said I want to go on the road. I want to go outside of this See see if I can do stuff around the country. So I get hooked up with this gig. I drive down me and tom codder. You know tom codder

We got we get in his car together and we we decided to drive down the east coast from boston down to florida And we're gonna stop in every club on the way and we're gonna we're gonna do five minutes set We're gonna try to get into that club So we spent like a week and a half two weeks driving down the coast And I remember we did one room I think was charlotte, north carolina and the guy booked a bunch of rooms the comedy zone right out of there Absolute what year is this? This is

91 92 Somewhere around there So you just got in the car. I like mitch headberg when he did it with charlotte hogan right just got in the car So back then there was this book that came out and once a year and it was called the uh comedy Something it was a directory of every comedy club Yes, yes in the in the country and who booked it and their address So you'd send your tape at you'd make your half inch The vcr tapes you'd make you'd spend all your fucking money making 200 of these tapes

You spend all all this money mailing them around the country and then there's no answering machines So, you know no email so you're calling you're calling these bookers Meanwhile, you got 500 other comics all calling the same from st. Louis And they got a stack of vhs's next their next their desk that they never saw so we said fuck it Let's cut to the chase. We'll go there. We'll get a five minute set. We'll be in their face. We'll get some gigs So sure enough we get some gigs out of this guy from north carolina ronda nunsio. Maybe we got in there so They sent me down my first my first date is three weeks and it's going to be jacksonville florida the bahamas

And then somewhere else in florida. I can't remember but but my job is I got to pick up this degenerate headliner first I got to take him to jacksonville And then this guy had all these marching orders because he lived he did he did so much coke and did so much gambling That he lived off his t-shirts after the show. He had t-shirts that had nothing to do with his act It wasn't like a catchphrase from his act nothing. It was just like it would just be like A t-shirt that said like fuck that bitch and he'd have stacks of him suitcases full of these and it was down south And so all these redneck swints line up after the show and they pull out their cash And he would just have his pockets stuffed with 20 bills at the end of the night

And then he'd go by blow and then he'd go to the casino. I remember in the bahamas Every night they would send me out. I was the mc And so I would bring up the feature act and sure enough this guy I'm not going to mention his name because he's still out there And uh, and uh, and they'd say go find him and I'd have to go find this guy And it was on it was in the in the bahamas and they had a casino Uh with with the club. So I'd be running around fucking the craps tables to the slot machines everywhere looking for this

She's short guy was about five foot four and he wore these glittery blazers like real cheesy Double-breasted cruise ship with the black polyester pants with the crease down the front and fancy shoes shiny fucking Alligator skin shoes and the hair we was like he looked like a magician What that that hair was like feathered back on the sides with the hard part And and I'd go looking for this guy and I'd have to drag come on man You're on and fucking five every night that feature act instead of doing 25 this guy was doing 30 35 40 minutes Waiting for me to find this guy and drag him back to the show him because he was coked up in gambling And he'd come back and he'd do his show

And he was a pro but he had this act you could tell he'd been doing the same act for 20 years word for word He just mailed it in he got up there hit play and he was a showman You know bigger than life played at the back of the room little crowd work same crowd work every time sir Where are you from? Bluh? Oh, I didn't know they I didn't know they made blank And then after the show sell his shit and then right back to the tables and on saturday night three shows on a saturday night All three shows Tracking this motherfucker down and trying to get him on stage so that feature act could stop sucking his own dick out there Burning material he didn't have stealing by the end doing anything to just keep stretching it out until this guy got there

That was the hardest thing in the beginning was meeting the headliners That were worse people than I was at the time. Yeah, I hear I was a fucking criminal on these guys Yeah, but you knew what you wanted to do these guys had wives never cheat. Yeah, right? Just it was just It was like two or three years of meeting these type in those D rooms. That's what you're me right in those Triple rooms and all those other fucking little rooms. You don't be you know, Joe Rogan's not gonna go in there fucking You know fifth seventh is not gonna play those rooms. It's a fucking D room, you know You work with the bottom of the barrel and you're like

And they borrow money from you and they try to borrow money from you the game. I mean, that's fucking crazy So you're taking do I even want to fucking do this? Yeah So that's what I thought the arty character But the arty character has been good to him the arty character has been very very good to Which is what you need to do those guys you can tell you don't want to like I was watching training day the other day and he makes Ethan hawk Get high And the car he makes the smoke angel dust then he fucks it'll be shit. That's evil stuff. Yeah, but that's part of it

That's part of the fucking thing. You gotta You know, we want you to know I think for a lot of guests coming in here I think it's like training day. I think you're done So Washington and you get people you get people some fucking Some gummy bears in them Some chiba chews no more. That's it. Listen two or three hours later. They could they come walking out of out of the park A lot like what the fuck just happened. It's so weird how my life is That I go through phases and stuff

The edibles I loved because like they really got me high and they calmed me down But it also came with a price of a fucking bad appetite And it was doing something to me and like in february I started getting these weeks. First of all, I couldn't eat half the shit anymore Half the that gummy stuff has to be bad for you. You mean it's too strong And Are you just meaning the ingredients? One of them that we it was like on a list like something that caused cancer

Oh, really? Well, the cushy cushy cushy So something happened to me at one point. I was like, I gotta stop eating something was going on So I had to eliminate stuff from my diet, but you were in that shit every day, right? I would blast 250 milligrams. I got 11 in the morning And be high like for a little while. What's a normal amount like 20? Yeah That's a lot for some people and then we come in here and do 2000 milligrams And let me tell you some this podcast I listened to and I love you guys. I I love that you Supported us over the years, but there's podcasts that I would not listen to

We were just so fucking up. You know, somebody posted the p. Ovan mushroom podcast today I listened to that podcast 10 minutes. That was crazy It's like our most popular episode. Wait, you guys took mushrooms. You sat in here and did a podcast multiple times multiple times What's that? We took acid with Ralphie a couple times. Yeah one time we took acid with Eddie Bravo and Ari And Ari took his shirt off and everything. It was fucking great It was great to do a pot. You know, all these things are great, but you got to move on. Yeah, you got to move on Yeah, and this is in comedy. This is in whatever you do you evolve And I find now that the podcasts are a lot more entertaining

That we're not doing the fucking edibles. I don't need the edibles no more like I liked it At the beginning is as like a catch thing to let people know that we're high and stuff Now I'd rather get the fucking conversation out of people you listen to some of those podcasts and didn't And it wasn't us. It was the guests Some of the guests would get blasted and they come in here trying to talk about something and they'd be lost The last wheeler walker podcast he was in count. He couldn't even talk. Yeah He couldn't even just sit there. Would it be it and then the next day is like you can't put it up? No, we're not gonna put it up Because it is just you know, there's nothing to put up. There's nothing to put up. So

You evolve in your life. If you don't evolve in your life, you're gonna fucking die anyway, you know, I want to switch it up So you're not doing acid or mushrooms anymore either and I got everything I just got a whole new batch of The shrooms. I got liquid acid. I got tabs. I got some new windowpane that they say is growing And you're not gonna use any of it. Maybe this weekend in Boston It's Lee's first weekend Of mc. Oh, yeah, no shit. It's really great. He's bringing me to a big place Wow, we'll work here. Do you're gonna have a blast? But I can't just he's got to pay his dues a little bit

I just yeah, right. I'm gonna have to make him carry luggage this week and yeah run to the store and get milk And that's the wrong milk and smack That's right Treat him like an mc a little bit just so he doesn't make him get your gatorade and your vodka sure and fucking He doesn't even drink. I don't even drink but that we can't be on a fucking mission Well, he knows I already got some from out of the high and I'm gonna dip a joint in And smoke with him his mother's coming to the first show on saturday. So I'll be good. I'll keep him legit Yeah, but after the mother's out of the building, it's all that's right. You're a boston guy. Yeah, it's gonna be great

We're rolling five joints per show this weekend. We're going deep. Oh, that's great. That's great it's uh Like I've had to learn like the first time no, this it was the second time I did this store He I walk in he gives me 10 edibles and then he says Oh, yeah, chappelle's going up and doing 30 in front of you and let's me sit in that and sweat for like 20 minutes Like 30 minutes thinking I was gonna have to go up after chappelle I had everybody telling them that chappelle's coming in Just sit tight and watch him do it

That should be the calmest this is great Listen, if I tell you I'm putting 400 pounds on a bar and tell you to lift it. You're not gonna lift it You're gonna say I can't do it. It's after you do it Then you go, what the fuck was that thing? I was three and a quarter you're gonna go. Damn You know the same as would stand up when you go. Give me a light at 18. Fuck him. Yeah, fuck him I've been worried about that 18 my ass and you get up there. You know, you've done 18 You've done all your jokes. You're like, he hasn't given me a light something's not right And you're like you're looking at me and I'm like

Uh-huh So that's what I'm worried about like what I would get I'm getting nervous Like what if I don't see the light and then I just get off Thinking I missed it and then you're like, no, I didn't give you the light Yeah, go set your set your timer to vibrate on your phone in your pocket What about when they give you the light and you get off when I tell you you should have gotten off that you didn't get the light Because I'll fuck with you. Yeah, I can't pay you Yeah, dude, I had I had a beef with a comic. Yeah, you won't get paid for that show this guy

This guy was on I had I had a show at one club And then I had another spot at another club and it was tight. I had to get on and off and this guy's going on ahead of me and and and he uh You know, he's an okay comic, but he's going on and on he gets the light gets the light again And then he's then he's got the ball sit on the stool and go what else Let's see. What else should we talk about and I'm standing there missing my next set So I go up to the light and I just start flicking it me not the manager. I'm flicking it up and down And he gets all pissed off comes off stage. We got words. We're fucking screaming each other in front of the whole club

We're just talking a minute the other day. I see a light. I wrap it up. Oh, yeah I'm good for I'm good for one minute after I see the light for other. Yeah, that's it is Huge of my world. It always has been right when I see a comic running a light on purpose You're telling me you don't give a fuck about none of us that you're not part of our army Yeah, so that's good that I know that now. I know that you're a selfish motherfucker You know, I see a light. I get the fuck out. I can't wait to see that light. You don't got to like me twice Yeah, not at all. No once one time when I was doing xanax In bulma the light didn't mean nothing. I just laid down and took a nap

Yeah, they were like me. I can't see the fucking light. You know, the problem is a lot of times you got Comics that are used to headlining on the road. So they're doing the club owner says do what you want I do 45 do an hour and a half. You're not an hour and a half But you know, if you want to do an hour and 15, they're fine with it And then all of a sudden you're told to do 12 or 15 minutes Well, you're not headlining tonight. You're doing 12 to 15 minutes. That's it. That's your job And like you said, there's other people you're disrespecting everybody else on the show and you don't do that No, excuse me. Right. I don't care if you're used to doing two hours in there. Don't call the store if you're not going to get off at

right You go on the road. So that's the one thing I like about you Yeah, that we're a lot alike in the same way. We like to give the road a break. Yeah, it's not our bread and butter like I think the road is a slow killer in a lot of ways. I think it's helpful at times But then it becomes a time when it's the law diminishing returns So you and I have families we like to stay at home Well, yeah, you want to make sure that when you go out it's exciting to you and that it's not a burden because then you're You're gonna have better shows. I go out there. I'm in town. I try a bunch of new shit

You just it's wind sprints. That's what your sets are in town You're doing wind sprints and then you go out on the road and you get to step those bits out a little bit You get to, you know, feel what it's like to control the crowd for an hour You know and build it close strong all that shit. You don't really worry about in town You know, you work in town you spend you could spend three four five minutes of your 15 Adjusting to the animal that went on ahead of you before you even get into your new shit And then you got to close with something strong So that that leaves you three or four minutes in the middle of trying new shit out

Now you go do an hour. You can fuck around have some fun. The crowd loves it. They love that you're experimenting a little bit So yeah, I got some day. You want me to read my dates? Yeah. All right. Shit. I want these guys to go see you All right, Mohegan's son in kinetic at October 4th through the 6th And then I'm coming out to Niagara Falls the canada side The comedy corner October 11th through 13 And then each Providence, Rhode Island October 19 and 20 in and out comedy connection doing that and then A bunch of other dates after that San Francisco punchline in November Then how long is this tour for you Grand Rapids, Michigan

Portland, Oregon all through the fall And then Christmas when do you stop? Uh, I don't stop. I'll be in nyak, New York December 28th through the 30th And then 31st. I'm up in Portland. You're doing new years. Yeah, you are doing. Yeah, I'm not gonna leave that money on the table I don't drink. What do I care? I'm not doing new years. Yeah, I'm doing levity live December 20. Yeah, I'm doing that But oh, so you're you're coming. Oh the 11th. I act. No, I love that room by the way Yeah, that's a good room. My favorite fucking great pizza. Yeah the pizza place in town is phenomenal

Chinese food delivers a hotel fucking phenomenal The barbecue spot that they take you to is phenomenal. Right. I used to go to nyak as a kid because they'd serve you if you ate Oh, is that right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're from north prairie. You're from all the new jersey. You just got on that 9w Yeah, and go up to nyak. They don't give a fuck how old you you're seven. Fuck it. That's a hot wheel They got a valet for your hot wheel. Fuck it over there. Shit Greg I gotta be honest with you the reason why we have so much fun whether we're doing your Show my show is the love and respect Absolutely. I have for you

You're one of the funniest guys in the business. You're loose There's never any drama and you're always welcome here. Thanks, brother. I appreciate that whatever talk about shit Yeah, or talk about enlightening what you did today. That was great. You know, I look at my daughter every night Sometimes I go in and I dry her off But I always ask anything happened at school till I should know about Somebody touched you weird or something like that. She's five and she was looking to go What the fuck is he talking about? Yeah, right like I can't leave the house so she gets out of the shower

Yeah, because sometimes my wife will come in and go she wants you to dry her off Yeah, and put up a job as long as she wants to talk to you and I'll go in there while I'm dressing it I'll never touch her or whatever. I'll I'll towel her down Yeah, and I throw in the towel. I go dry your little monkey off in your muffler They still try It's not my monkey daddy. Whatever it is. Just dry there. I put him on a beautiful I don't want to touch your fucking shit I don't want to be that fucking dad, right?

I brush your hair Who knows you could be running for supreme court justice one day. You know what that should come back I love brushing the hair. That's nice. That's nice. I love brushing the hair is the best thing in the world you know, it's so weird how I'm happy that I've taken this plan and I and half of it I stole from you because you We spoke about it at the other Spot about how important when it was for you to raise your daughter and your son, you know, like to be a part of their life You you look at these kids from comics and they're lost

Yeah, they're lost and their daddy's probably left them a million dollars and that's great Yeah, but they didn't leave the thing that these kids really needed You know, like I sit there sometimes at karate class And I'm like why am I here? For a fucking hour and from here we got to go to the wine swim for half hour. Yeah You're like, why am I here? It's because this is it. Yeah This is what most people give a hand for Ralph. He could walk out of the grave right now He would do this. Yeah, go fuck the road on a Wednesday. Yeah, I'm going to karate classes

And so thank you for making me a better parent. Oh, thanks, man Making me aware of that because I was a little lost when I first met our agent, you know a mutual agent and You know, I just went on the road every week, but I realized something was missing. Yeah, and you Told me what it was. You have to be a dad And stay at home and fuck the road. It's not about the money. If I wanted money I kind of sold coke right made millions of dollars, you know So thank you. Yeah. Thanks man. That's nice you to say and I'm a good dad. Yeah, I'll be in Boston

It's sold out. Here we go. The other one is sold out, but Florida I'm coming down and I'm only coming for one fucking week to one place and that's west palm beach So if you don't get your roller skates and your cape on you're missing me west palm october 11th through the 13th And then I've been Cleveland the 25th through the 27th I want to thank my man, Greg Fitzsimmons for coming on I love that guy with all my heart all the respect if you listen to his podcast to show, you know, the guy's the real deal I want to thank you guys for listening and number two I want to thank my family over my bookie. Okay, listen

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You get paid speaking of money You don't mean to guys. I don't we're family here. We talk to each other the right way Robinhood. I love this. I got the app down on my phone. It's an investment app that lets you buy and sell stocks EF ETFs options cryptos. Here's the beauty all commission free They strive to make financial services work for everyone not just the wealthy people, right guys like you and me Values of Robinhood app. Are you ready other brokerages? They charge up to ten dollars for every trade But Robinhood doesn't charge a commission on fees trade stocks. That means you keep all your profits

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A free stock like apple for the sprint to help build your portfolio You sign up at church dot Robinhood comm again That's church dot Robinhood comm and they're going to give you a free stock apple forward sprint Something like that to get the party started who else does that for you uncle joey? So I want to thank my bookie and I want to thank Robinhood for reaching out to the church family for always hooking us up I want to thank greg. I want to thank fucking daniel and o'neill I want to thank danish and o'neill whatever the fucking names. I want to thank the christ killer But most importantly, I want to thank the church family for listening and for support without you guys

We have we gots I'll either see you in Boston or October 11 through the 13th in motherfucking west palm or the 25th of october to the 27th pre-holloween weekend Bring the fucking fireworks acid bazookas. We're going deep at hilarities Beside that I love you motherfuckers. Thank you for bearing me And thank you for having my back all the time. Have a great weekend. Stay black. Stay healthy And we'll see you monday morning tip top magoo kick this fucking muley

Oh Oh They found a way to kill me yet I was burned with staining sweat Oh Wife and kids Oh A bullet screams to me from somewhere

Yeah, they come to snuff the rooster Oh Yeah, here come the rooster Yeah No Oh Oh Yeah

You know he ain't gonna die No Yeah They spit on me Oh Oh Oh Yeah, they come to snuff the rooster

Yeah You know he ain't gonna die Yeah No You know he ain't gonna die Oh Oh You