Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #623 - Bonnie McFarlane

Episode Date: October 3, 2018

Bonnie McFarlane, a stand up comedian seen on "Last Comic Standing" and heard as the co-host of the "My Wife Hates me" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:     MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Deposit after 7pm EST and they will give you another $25 in free play.   Onnit.com - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.

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Out of that nutsack it's gonna be a good one I You go a little fucking black Betty Bambolam the damn thing going wild Bambolam said a word not a mind Bambolam the damn thing going black Bambolam I said, oh black Betty Bambolam. Whoa black Betty black fucking Betty on the church of what's happening now Bonnie McFarlane the Christ killer and Uncle Joey coming at you cop sucker. Oh shit. Here we go There you go The fuck is up Bonnie McFarlane. It's good to be here. It's great to have you. I never come to LA

Now when I called you yesterday you go you were in Hoboken. What the fuck were you doing in Hoboken? There is a I say Hoboken which is wrong But I feel like it sounds better than Hoboken, but yeah, so there's some kind of comedy festival there. Really? Yeah, it's not great You know rich did a show last night and I went with him so that I could spend some time with him You know and because he'd just gotten back from Ohio and then I was leaving today this morning for LA So we didn't have much time To spend together so I went with him to his show and and they had a porn star on The show's porn stars and comics and so they had this porn star on the show. I don't know who a star

I don't know. It seems unlikely but She'd comedy for the first time and I was thinking What what kind of appeal is that like who like isn't that the last thing you want is to Your porn star talking like you know what I mean? Don't you fast forward through that part? You know, you just want to get to the cocksucking or whatever it is. Don't you at least you're honest about it. Fuck it I mean who like no, you don't want to see that you don't want to How is that bringing people into it to?

Does it oh, I gotta go see this porn star speak that's like the last thing people want It is because I got lumped into that for a long time Like when I first got here people would have strippers and comics Well, I was telling Lee right on Santa Monica Boulevard across from this place that when I first got here We go over there next to a 7-Eleven across from the Strasburg Theater Whatever second acting thing on Fairfax. Yeah, yeah across from there was like a place 53 40 And on Thursday nights, they did comedy and burlesque, but topless at the end they would take a top off and

The chick that hosted it was a porn star and it was God awful Yeah, she had 400 people would show up on fucking Thursday But why to do to listen to watch her she just cuz they she'd show her boobs at the end Wouldn't it be more comfortable to sit at home and just Google it up She would just be with a fucking bang and dress on and looking like a lady The rest of the girls who went up would do like a burlesque type thing right at the end They would take their shirts off and they didn't have a license so I had to put pasties on the nipples And I didn't never saw the magic of that

Appeal there, but you take the 50 bucks and you pay rent. No, no agreed. I mean listen They have it in LA too or in New York, there's a this friend of mine Karen Feehan does a burlesque show Where you go and you do stand up and then there's burlesque dancers in between. It's like great I I'll go do it. I you know, I'll just stand up anywhere anytime, but I don't get it Three or four year level I was doing comedy a strip club opened in Denver when the casinos opened a strip club opened with to compete with shotgun willies the biggest strip club in Denver and They did comedy

On monday nights and I would go down there just because I read that lennie bruce book And he used to do right with strippers, right? But I remember getting off stage and going nobody wants to see me right Well, that situation is the opposite You know is like you want to see strippers if they're stripping But you don't want to see strippers if they're trying to do stand up. You know what I mean? You don't want to see I don't listen I don't want to see strippers mix with comedy and no fucking thing

I think I'd rather go to a comedy club and see strippers and go to a strip club and see comedians You know, can you imagine like if you or I went out? They're expecting to see naked girls It's just it's the same thing is when you go to a restaurant You don't know there's comedy there and then people get up and start if you're ready to do stand up in a restaurant It's the worst. It's so humiliating and people eat and then they get mad and they leave and they're like, you know When I you know You always thank the stars. You don't thank the stars while it's happening

You just say how fucking rude But when I started comedy it was attached to a steak night What do you mean? It was five it's for 1595 for steak night and comedy night A prime rib night or something. So they gave you a baked potato a prime rib And a little fucking piece of corn and a comedy ticket 1595 So when the host went up they were biting and he was eating at the same time. Yeah, they were eating so everybody's eating Nobody's actually steak. It's like you can't do anything else You literally can't do anything else with you

But I also felt bad for the feature act as the feature act was going through it too Like they would be getting dessert right this place gave you this play gave you a shrimp bowl You know, they gave you a fucking shrimp bowl. That's a pretty good deal. I think right off the bat They gave you a shrimp bowl unlimited fucking deal on each shrimp Which is just disgusting when you think about they're getting from like some country. Yeah, who knows? Yeah, they're getting tons of this shrimp and you go in there thinking of johnny bananas You're dipping this shrimp and they let it run you go home. You have a stomach ache for three days I can't imagine that the waitresses with servers are being quiet either during your show right now

It was a nightmare. It was just a nightmare looking back at it now Like it made me the comic who I am today But then I would go home feeling fucking defeated, you know, I still do these shows I go to you know, because I don't go on the road because I have a kid Uh, so I do, you know, I say I do every steak and seafood restaurant in the tri-state area And um, if I do well at these shows I go home I drive home feeling shitty because I've had to do what I've had to do to do well And then if I don't do well, I drive home feeling shitty because I you know, you have an ego about it

It's like there's no winning in some of the shit. No, what do you live now? So I live right in the middle of new jersey right in the very center Of that how far from the city. It's about an hour You know, so if I'm going in for like a nine o'clock show or something. It's fine You don't leave at seven thirty, but if you have to be somewhere at seven It's a fucking pain in the ass because that the tunnel gets backed up How did you adjust leaving los angeles? Going to jersey having a fucking kid

Adopt him like nine kids because rich is like half or to reekin. Yeah, he's got like 19 fucking kids on the side You never know. He's got a daughter in college. He's got the other ones driving his two kids are there You know, they're one of them's gonna marry the other ones checked up. They're they're uh, they're adults That's it. That's amazing. Yeah, I remember when he was like on the struggle and we would talk Oh, yeah, no, he was He was talking about his his girls and taking them on stage and now we're doing the same thing to rena She's 11. She's funny. She's so funny though She's just she said I said to her one day. I was watching louis ck on on uh

YouTube and he does a bit where he fucks the stool and I was like Jesus Does every guy do a stool fucking bit and then she goes you should do it, but you should ask for consent You curse in front of her. Yeah, I don't care and what does she think? You know, it's like I feel like it's like it's like beer you would drink a beer in front of your kid But you wouldn't let your kid drink beer, you know, it's like some things adults get to do and kids don't you know and there's also like a time like she's sworn before when it's been very funny like in A joke and it's been in context or it's been at the right time in the right place. It's totally fine

It was the first time she cursed. Oh, she used to do this thing when she was really little where she would She would she would go through some cursive. Oh my god. It was so funny, but she's never gone in trouble at school I mean, she knows where you know, it's when and where yeah Yeah, I'm scared of my daughter picking it up. I picked it up when I was young and my mother's bar in Spanish And then going to new york, I got it translated to me in English and it never ended And that's why I'm the filthy animal that I am today So I know it's irreversible like once a kid stops starts cursing you can't turn that wheel back

well, she doesn't You know, she she doesn't hurt like she you know her friends, uh You know, she's you know, I took her to her friend's house the other day and her parents were she had her in a sleepover and her parents said, you know Can you come pick her up at 8 30 tomorrow morning because we have to go to church and You know, I was like, oh boy, you know, but the she just knows when and where and she I know she would horrify People if they really knew some of the stuff she said I'm I'm cringing. I know she said shit one day But I don't think it's bad. I honestly don't think it's bad. Oh, no, no, no

it's gotta start at a certain age and I'm an old school motherfucker. There's no booze in my house, buddy. Yeah, wow Pretty soon. I gotta start going for a ride to smoke dope or I gotta quit smoking dope. Yeah And I'm gonna have to do it. I have to do it. Oh, they'll know I grew up around parents. She knows Oh, yeah, they they have never she knows I do something in that bad Follow me, you know, many times I run like what like we run in and I put things away Like we just been on like a two hour excursion. Yeah, and I'll run in and I wash my hands at the sink And I'll show go daddy. You're gonna come draw with me. Yeah, I go get everything set up

You know how many times I've gotten into the office I go into the back. I open up the back door. Thank god. I got that back door I fill up a pipe and I blow the smoke outside. I have a big backyard. Yeah, so I step outside I come in I put the pipe and I pop a piece of gum in I wash my hands I lock the door. You know, many times I've opened up that back door and she's been there waiting for me with attention Oh my god So that means she knows Well, she knows someone's going on only what also she smells it

I mean, honestly, you don't smell it because you smoke pile up but people who don't they smell it on people the first time She says I know for a fact That the first time she says something to my wife her mother about smelling something. I'm done even in the back Like my wife will let me know immediately like it's over Yeah, you better go to the office and get high and put cologne on And for me I have to do that I was introduced to drugs in the early age when my mom had a ball

And I fucking regret it now. I regret all this shit. I did At least let her make a decision, but not at fucking. I can't have her around. Right. I wouldn't I wouldn't you know Give a fuck if weed is legal or not. I don't give a fuck about none of that shit I'm telling you there's a time and a motherfucking place for everything Right when she's 14 and she comes to me and goes I smelled these guys smoking weed Then it's time to sit it a fuck down and explain the situation How many times a week did I smell it show her how to show her how to roll it filter in listen My mother showed me fucking heroin coke and pop

number six What because they had gone to the police athletic league And they took me to the police station as part of the trip in new york city and they fingerprint you They'll let you shoot a 22 And they give you like a junior g-man badge So they would tell me like, you know, you have to report mysterious acts and shit at that time I knew my mom did something. I just didn't know what it was. I knew she did something I knew what her and her friends did something and I still remember seeing my mom doing blow

Wow out of an aluminum foil, you know, like old cuban style Women's night and all my aunts would get together and never know They would play cards and like dominoes and shit and they would do little bumps. Oh my god By the time I was seven or eight, I would tell my mom to wipe her nose Oh my god, my wife knows like you're fucking embarrassing me So then like when you got older, did it get worse? Did she stop doing it? She didn't stop till she died Wow, so were you embarrassed of it? No, no, no, it didn't come up in the drug report when she died It was just a heart attack. No, no, I mean

Was I embarrassed about her doing blow? Yeah At that time nobody she wasn't doing it like people were doing it now Right. It wasn't the way she had under control She worked on a bar. My mother believed for you to sell drinks You got a drink, right? You know, my mother believed that if a woman works behind a bar, her boyfriend should never be in the bar You know, because he he shouldn't see what's really going on. No, you just break away the dream Oh, oh, oh, gotcha. I'm in love with Bonnie. I don't need to know Bonnie's got a husband Right, right. I don't want to be he always I want to I want to have one of them in there spending money every night

Bonnie, can I go out with you? I can't Bar policy the normal fine, but you never got a boyfriend or husband. You just don't mention it You know when you ring at work, that's how a woman makes fucking money I'm saying you shut those titties a little bit but not enough. You know what I'm saying? Just perfect cleavage when you bend over Together be able to Texas and go to a bar every woman has fucking cleavage They said you ever go to a bar in Houston? Even in new york Yeah, you gotta show those titties you gotta give me the illusion that I might be able to score with you

Right That's what's gonna get those dollars flowing out of my fucking pocket You know, it's like when you go to a strip club But you take a stripper side when you go a little creepy at the end of the night I'm much to spend the night with you It's like meet me at Denny's and you go to Denny's and she don't show up, you know She's got a husband and a fucking six kids. Oh, yeah, you tell them they'll always tell you meet me at Denny's I'll meet you there in 45 minutes. There you on a car fucking putting cologne on your neck

And the chick never shows That was done to me a thousand times. Yeah And it learned after your first yeah, the chick ain't gonna show the chick showed one time Oh, and then she just ate breakfast. Yeah, we kind of talked We kind of talked and then we went on like a legal date Like three days later And then I told I was a stand-up comic and I was in the process of a divorce This could only happen to me at the time. Yeah, this could only you know, you have a bad luxury

Like, you know when the phone rings and you're like today can't get no worse So I'm going through a divorce. We have a child This chick Went into a barbershop where my wife worked And sat in my wife's chair without knowing that's how fucking famous Oh my god, and she's like cut me up nice because I'm going out with a comedian this weekend. Oh, no That's that's the luck I had at that time. Did she say your name? Oh, yeah, my wife goes. What's his name? Oh my god, as soon as the girl got up and left my wife. She had a one fucked up hairdo. Yeah

She's lucky. She had ears. I don't even think she called me back the girl She's like, you didn't tell me you were married. I don't fucking get in the voice. She goes, no, that's cheating It's not cheating. I'm just she's with another guy. I'm trying to meet another woman there. Oh my god That's a crazy story. How crazy is that? That's like a movie And she was pissed my ex-wife Pissed of course. This chick was 23 banging big fake teddies. Oh my god. It could only happen to me You know what I'm saying? Going out with the comedians and I do me up nice

How many fucking comedians live in Boulder too? And I was one of them. Can you fucking believe that? There's probably more hairdo's than comedians There's fucking more everything than comedians in bold. The bolder didn't even have a comedy scene It's weird. There was a club called the blue note. That was a jazz bar. Yeah in new york. No, no in bolder Right, and that's where roseanne used to do a majority of her work. Oh, wow It was that place and then the comedy works. Did you try to say the no, she's talking about roseanne? No, it's not me

Who's got the your daughter today rich? Yeah, he's got the whole week with with this, you know, this is a rare thing Uh, it's an experiment. We'll see how it goes. I told rain. I said you gotta, you know He's he's got a he's got a short fuse. So You know, they get into fights. They're like two children a lot of times You know where he tells her to do some and then she won't do it and then he yells at her and then I got to step in and You know and then she fucks with them because she knows his little idiosyncrasies and You know, it's

No, it is what it is. They get along. They're they're fun. They love each other. Obviously, you know a father daughter Situation is a weird one to have especially when the dad is a fucking lunatic I mean, he's he's got so many weird little fucking things. It's it's You know, it's like walking through a minefield sometimes But but I just called them before it came here and they're out playing basketball. So they're having fun 61 still playing basketball He does Whatever it is 10,000 steps a day or something. Does that sound right? Some crazy amount. He's got

He's always like, I gotta do my steps gotta put get my steps in He's insane because he still thinks that he's gonna somehow he wants to like do stand up with his shirt off I don't know. He thinks like He's always like, I'm just gonna lose 10 pounds. I was telling the other day I was like, well, don't you want to just be happy? Like wouldn't you rather just be like, ah, it's good. You look great. You lifting I do I do a lot of dumb shit. You you look fucking great. Thank you Jesus christ before we started the podcast we were talking about when I first met you It was at the improv was very casual. We never hung out or nothing. We never really chit-chatted

I'd say hello to you say hello to me I forget who you used to hang out with in those days. I'd like to say it was like Doug Benson Yes, it was Doug. It was that crew and uh, what crew was that because it doesn't our comedy store guy But the guy would give me spots at the improv From time to time and I'd watch you guys and it was a fun crew. Everybody was very nice But you guys had your own thing Well, because we would there was there was a group of us that would work at the improv and then also at the all in the alt scene You know and we could do both for whatever reason

What was the name of the fucking place that did the alt scene fargo? Largo Largo, okay And the guy's name. Where was the place where josh donato was that that started at Largo Largo Wait, it might have started at m bar and then moved over to Largo But he was the guy who started Largo and then you know, obviously they they found out that he was paying them He was paying the comics and that's what happened Oh, was that what happened Largo was paying the guy. He was getting names that were absurd. Yeah Doug to line up at Largo during the week like his night was absurd

It was it was my it was the comedy store meets the improv meets the laugh back Yeah, yeah, like six of the best comics working every fucking week. You would sit there and go jesus christ So yeah, then he teamed up with mitch headberg Josh Begonado de donado did mitch started taking him on the road And then he took him to toronto. That's what him mitch got in trouble for something weird And then supposedly when he got back here It got to somebody like he was he had margacho in there. It got to somebody That Largo was giving him like 600 bucks a week. That is right. He was not paying the comedians

He was just pocketing all the money. It was like the fucking hottest room in hollywood. Yes. Yes. It was the hottest room in hollywood I will say this for him. He was the first one to sort of like You know, he curated a room, you know, he would only put in he was very You know specific about the kind of comic he wanted and they brought in a certain kind of audience and then And and he was kind of a little mean to the audience in in terms of like If anybody talked they were kicked out It was he really ran that show and that's why it became the show that it became but yeah, he he Then they kicked him out of it because now Largo was on Fairfax. It used to be. Yeah. Okay. Now. What was the place?

When we first when I first got here that was the hot hot spot in Boys Town What's Boys Town the gay area? Oh, you know Santa Monica and La Siena got you made a right And you went around two blocks and then you made a left And you walked around 50 feet and there was a the guy sam used to book it you had to go downstairs Oh, the banana club or something like that. That also became yes. Yes a hot spot for agents and managers And if you walked in there, you got a deal Even dice was in there one night like that like yeah, like if you walk if you had a spot down on Tuesday

You got a deal Like you walked out there with a manager and an agent Well, there's a thing about la back in the day was that you would be you would do these crazy sometimes okay, we used to do this show that was um at the uh In the basement of the Ramada in like What the like on Vermont on Vermont? Yes. Oh my god. That's that room has been in existence Now it's a pot hotel. Oh it is. Yeah, it used to be about three or four years ago

They turned into a pot hotel and they were doing pot comedy in there. Oh Oh, right. Okay, like a pot hotel where you could pop smoke pot in the hotel room and shit It's got a green leaf outside. It's in a weird neighborhood in Vermont. Yeah It was I don't know why we would all because I guess it was a Monday night Monday or Sunday. Yeah, it was a good room And it should it be like fucking open micers people just starting out and then, you know, like uh Mark Maron would be there or you know, David Cross would show up or like it was a patent Oswald It was like and all places were like that it was like You know, there'd be these because people just wanted to get stage time

It's not like New York where you get booked on, you know, five shows a night You know, so you're just always looking for a place. So an open mic fine I'll go and I'll get on and there'll be uh, you know, fucking 10 open micers and uh, you know Jeanine Garofalo and You know, these like big stars that were there, you know, what was the comic book place on silver? Like Lee just told me About a somebody cosmic vinyl. Is that still there? I just do doing comedy there the vinyl place. Yeah I that used to be the old scene the owner the owner knows you the owner listens to the podcast that used to be the old scene

Yeah, Duncan did for a couple weeks. Yeah, I I left before that and when Duncan booked that I went in and ate a bag of You did. Oh my god, because it was just silver lake. It was like, you know What what do they call them now? Hipsters hipsters hipsters. Yeah. Yeah. It was hipsters before they were even known. They were hipsters, right? And then they used to be a taco place that whole area Used to have tremendous comedy What's that fucking silver lake before silver? That one mexican bar and silver lake was badass. They gave you a free margarita when you did the spot

And listen, if you were getting a free margarita, that was a pretty good Well, you gotta remember if you were getting a free car margarita, that means you were getting two free margaritas Because you gave the bartender fin and now you had two and you're under your belt Now you add a little pump to your step because Even if you were getting you know, they wouldn't give you a fucking soda at these places Like you were getting you weren't getting paid and and you had to you know Put out for anything you wanted at the bar for most of those places You know, then there was a treated comics like shit like shit in those days

And the and the promoters were making a little bit of money And they would break you off like three drink tickets and that was huge. Oh, yeah, yeah And if you killed he'd give you an extra one. Here's an extra one dawg Well, that's why the impromptu was so great because they uh, they would send you your check They'd pay you by check, but they would let you um run a tab at the bar So my whole theory was is i'm gonna you run up a tab at the bar So they have to keep booking you so because then they just take it out of your check, you know I never ever got a check because that's brilliant

I never knew there was a tab available I was buying people drinks And then um, yeah, then at some point they stopped letting you uh, you you run up a tab You know, but that was those were the good days because in the impromptu Oh, man, we used to get so fucked up out there. Fucked up. That was when the party started Yeah, and they had that big bar there. It was so I don't know. I don't think they have that In there people beat dinner there. That's some bud used to go down there and eat dinner with hartman But there'd be huge stars in there too. I remember going in there one time and um

Ellen DeGeneres was in there with uh, ann haish when they were dating and um, she was talking to me and and uh, so I was talking to ann haish and and uh, Ellen DeGeneres and bill mar walked in and he sees the three of us in the corner and he goes, hello lesbians And I was like Excuse me. I might add something. That's when bill mar used to hang down there a lot. Yeah, he is. Yeah That's why I met him the first time they put me on his show To do a sketch And he was always like top, you know at least he was friends with ron zimmerman. I think who would drag him in there all the time

He's friends with weird people. Yes good friends with the kid in play Oh, he is yeah We kid the one that we had on the podcast with the flat top his best friends He does the music for the show Oh, I didn't know that watch the end of the show. I had no idea this kid that did the theme or something for it Like he has now do you still remember this bill mar story? When I first got here I got here because of doug stanham doug stanham did seattle

And they told me come down. You're gonna do great and about three weeks later. I was I got here and I remember that He said something to me goes. We'll try to get you spots at the end problem But right now i'm not doing too good there. Let me see your nails again. They're beautiful mom. Look at you take care You're a fucking hot mom Thank you He goes come do this podcast more off. Yeah. Yeah, he goes. I don't I'm not in good terms at the improv right now for a few days So I'll tell you when I'll get you in when I first got here

So I said, what'd you do? How come you're not but he goes, ah bill mar had a party And I fucked some girl in his bed. So bill mar called the improv complaining and said Doug stanham I like personally apologize when fucking the chicken bill mar can go suck a dick I I mean who like if you if you're that pissed about it say something to doug stanham Don't try to take work away from the guy. That's a fucking shitty move It was you know, it was a different time then he was a different person

You know, you're walking to your bedroom somebody's fucking doggy style Wasn't his girlfriend you got kids. I think something I think it was the girl he wanted to fuck something crazy He was really going to bring him down. I opened for bill mar a couple times and uh one time I was in the green room and You could hear the guy on stage the the mc or whatever You know, and I laughed at the guy and he told me I had to get out of the green room if I was going to laugh How many years have you been doing currently for now? 23 years, you know a long time And you started in Canada and you up there for how long?

um I didn't do stand up in canada very long a couple of years and then uh I uh, I I moved to new york. I it's a funny story about I called see in canada when you were starting out We were talking about yuck yucks before the we started the podcast, but They wouldn't promote you as a comedian. They would only promote Comedy so you could never get out from under The yuck yucks hold, you know because you could never you know go sell tickets on your own

you had to use the yuck yuck's name and uh people complained about it all the time and I was like fuck this shit I'm gonna you know, I'm going to the states and uh, you know, they had caroline's comedy hour was you know One of the big shows back then and um, I called caroline's The club I just looked you know got the number and and called the club and I said who books the tv show No one there seemed to know what I was talking about So they put me through to the manager I think his name is joe felsorano or something like that and um, I'm talking to the guy and I said I want to do

Your tv show and it turned out he really was the guy who booked the tv show and um He said uh, okay, uh You know, he asked me some questions about myself. He was kind of you know, amused I guess am I what the fuck is this girl? and then um, he asked me if I was cute and uh, I was like, yeah, I think so And um, he said okay, I have some workmen in my office. They're fixing the ceiling I'm going to put you on speaker and if you can make them laugh I'll give you the show

So he put me on speaker and I have my notebook open And I ran through some jokes and I heard the workers laughing and I did a little crowd work and uh, He gave me the show from from doing that so then um I I came to to new york and and did caroline's comedy hour What year is this? So that there was a last year that that show was happening. So I don't know Which what year that was but mid to late 90s probably like 96

96 or 97 maybe something like that And uh, yeah, I was just young I bombed really bad, too Where'd they take back caroline's? Yeah, and I got my managers through that and everything and then um, I had to go back for a little bit to canada You know just a couple weeks later. I was back in new york for good And I was like I got a uh an apartment in uh in harlem Fully furnished apartment for 500 bucks a A month no rats

No rat. It was a really nice apartment But uh, yeah, the woman who lived there just died and the people were looking for someone to just Sort of stay in the stay in the place until they could Um, you know sell it or whatever It's like I just got lucked out Yeah, but no one would come visit me back then But you know your season opportunity what street was it on 125th and broadway. Oh, that's a fucking phenomenal neighborhood. Yeah What year was this?

So that was like 97 I guess 95 was the last season on the show. Okay, so 95 96 Then I was in um, and then I only stayed a year and then and then came to la So when you were on 125th street, there was a couple bodegas on the block that sold reefer Oh, I didn't know that you never went down there I mean, I I cruise around walk up to 125th to the to the kentucky for what what that is a Popeyes absentee Yeah, yeah, yeah, there was a Popeyes there right by the train station and down the block from the theater Yeah, right right. Mm-hmm Yeah, I would get that was my weed neighborhood, but I'll tell you I mostly walk the other direction. Yes. Yes. You did. Yes, you did

That's I didn't know that you lived in Harlem and then you came out of here Then I came out to la and I had a deal already by then I got a development deal right away Now when were you on snl? I never did it. I never was on snl. That was I thought you wrote on snl with some shit No, no, never did nothing Nothing, I mean, I told you this story before that people would say right where you on snl, but they just I never did I didn't really know it's so crazy when you go out there And people tell fake credits and shit and then after them I saw people actually get stumped Like give us a comics get stumped. What do you mean? Like a comic would go up

Let's say la comic would be on a triple run and he would be an extra on star track the next generation Yeah, the mc would say it coming to the stage. You've seen him on star track The next generation and after when he get off stage People come up to him and go, you know what? I'm a star trek nerd. What episode was it? Oh my god? And the guy would sit there and go like episode 338 He goes, who are you? Are you the guy who's like, no, I'm the guy that walked past the guy He goes, oh my god, did you get the talk? It was crazy. They were just being doing well Well, that's like that's I know but that's like a shitty show to lie about because those people really do know

No, but any of those shows always there's always so many of the audience who geeks out on you This is what episode did you do? You know, it's like when sign fell was on right when sign fell was on If you did an episode of sign fell that weekend you sold out. Yeah, wow That's it You sold tickets because they won like when he played the umbrella man. Didn't Don Marrera Yeah, he Don Marrera was on there a few times a few times. Yeah, that made you famous made you famous coming to Kentucky The umbrella man from sign fell you're buying tickets, right? It's so different now. You do you can do 10 episodes. There's so much shit. I mean you can do 10 episodes of a show

Nobody knows Who the fuck you know, it's so okay. Like I I don't watch the Walking Dead I've never seen it. So if one of those guys walked in here, I wouldn't I would just treat him like a normal dude I wouldn't know who it is and for somebody else. That's the most famous person in the world So fame is really we it's like person to person now, you know, it's It's whatever show you fucking watch Yeah, I don't watch a lot of tv. So I don't like I don't fucking know, right? I'm a comic man If you watch tv, it's kind of like now you're you're more accessible to watch tv

Because you could watch netflix and hulu when I first got into comedy in the early 90s I just stopped Like tv had become something that I never watched. I had one in my apartment But I watched like the news at five. I got didn't know what tv shows were on I didn't watch tv So I came out here and I got called in for nypd blue And I said, let me I shouldn't fucking watch it before I started auditioning for this shit And I watched it and that's that that was the first time I had watched tv in like eight years

I I you know, it's so funny. I didn't watch tv at all I didn't even have a tv until i'm at rich rich came to my apartment in la here and he bought me a tv That was the first uh, I mean, I you know, obviously, I'd been in other people's houses I watched tv a little, you know, but when I came to la and I started having meetings with these executives And they'd say what tv show do you like and I'd say murphy brown or something. I don't know. I didn't know what to say I just I've never you know, I would say just weird things that I'd heard Just um

Like I don't even think friends was on yet, you know or anything. When did friends come on? I think like 97 maybe Yeah, if you did friends, you became a star isha taylor. That's how she yes, right Isha taylor, so there were certain shows that if you did those shows that weekend 94 Yeah, that weekend you were hot that weekend. I could have said friends Yeah, that weekend you were hotter than the pistol that doesn't happen anymore Yeah But you you know, like when I told you before the show I'll never forget there used to be a girl like a group of common girls

They used to go to the improv that hung out with a guy with a van That smoke pot in the parking lot behind the improv like we would go to the parking lot and I'll never forget that one night. We were out there smoking pot and that was the night I had a conversation with you like a semi-conversation about Because you were with Susman or something. Yeah, that's the manager that I got when I got with susman at the time you got rid of him Something has happened. Yes. Yes. We had like I had to pay him for years after I left him. Oh, yeah

Because back then he had con like actual fucking written contracts and he wouldn't let me out of the contract So I had to pay him 15 percent or whatever for years Yeah, he didn't play he doesn't play at all. Yeah, not. Yeah, this is rogan's manager She's brogan's manager and kevin james. We were talking about something Fuck I was just thinking about and that's how I got to know you a little bit You were telling me about something you were doing and then I just see who's van was that? Somebody that would just go there and smoke pot. I'm sure plenty of us would go out there and get high and a fucking guy with a van

If anybody said you open up the back doors and we'd sit there and smoke with the guy And one of the girls believe it or not That was hanging out in those days was the girl that ended up on chelsea lately that she travels now She was on the podcast talking about eating goat cheese. Heather mcdonald. Oh, Heather mcdonald. Yeah Heather mcdonald was out in those days. That was 98 97 with her long fucking legs And we'd start at the improv and go to lago. She was always a fun girl Yeah, and then we go to fucking that Chinese restaurant the legendary one On that street. It's the name of the fucking street right off of labrea

On I think it's melrose or Santa Monica. It's a well-known chinese place Where everybody used to drink in the 50s steve mcqueen. They just redid it I forget now who the fuck knows but I remember being in there one night And we weren't doing comedy. We just like I was broke living in a car that you were and I was having more fun Then like yeah, I was living like in front of rafi's house. Oh my god, and some nights rafi would let me in And sometimes he'd be sleeping already because I wouldn't he lived in that place where he had the most massive stairs He used to live in a place where it was like

The highest steepest stairs to get up to and I'd be like why around? No, no, no, this is this is when he was still broke This is when he was on we were on this was like. Yeah, this is when he was in dug stan hopes Doug stanhope had a friend had read and the andris and rented that apartment And he went to alaska Oh live with a girl. So Doug stanhope took it over and rafi needed a place to stay Trust me. There was no stairs there rafi broke the toilet eight times. Oh my god. Are you fucking kidding me? It was a toilet for like a hollywood, you know It was like a condo for like hollywood bimbets in the 50s and rafi's dropping 600 pounds cracking the toilets

Fucking once a month. We were going to a gig once and The car was rubbing. He was so heavy that the car was like leaning down like, you know, and it was like was this the Forerunner Yeah, and he could hear it going And he goes, I don't know what that is and I was like, I don't know what it is Yeah, he popped the fucking springs in that that car Let me tell you something toiota if you know where that car is buy it And put it in your fucking showrooms like if you go to a uh, this is toiota place in denver when you walk in the showroom

They had a car with five million miles or three million miles something crazy It had gone around the earth twice Just and it still ran. Wow, they would prove so they wanted all those cars by right. Well, here's rafi's. Yeah, so rafi I think rafi's nephew Still has the formula rafi gave it to him when he won last comic stand They fixed it up. Yeah, because it was right before that. I remember him talking about that. He'd done a pilot for the the Last comic standing and then I was like it was before reality shows

So he was trying to explain it to me. We all live in a house. I was like, it sounds awful You know, it's like, no, it's gonna be a great show. I'm gonna do the show That's funny that jaymore created at the time. Yeah, that's how hot he was after jerry We got in jerry jaymore was at the top of his fucking game for a while there He was like on every show and and he couldn't miss he's in every movie remember the game First he played the agent right and then they gave him a show on fox as an agent That's why right, right, right him and rafi became tight and then he would rafi would open for him on the road In that process him jaymore had a black friend that was really funny

But didn't do another comic. No He was a black dude that was funny And he would bounce it off people like he would like jay would keep him around to bounce stuff And I forget what his name is. It was him and jay that created well rafi one last comic standing I went to uh, uh, I did I opened one time in vegas for um jeff ross And rafi was the mc. That's how long ago

and jeff would say to rafi every night You got to do all your time before bonnie Because he couldn't follow it even if rafi did five minutes after me jeff would have a hard time with it because he was fucking funny He was funny So he would do all his time before me and then I'd have to go out there and eat it for a half hour

And then jeff would go on and every night we go back to jeff's room or rafi's. I don't remember but uh, you know smoke pot and jeff would say hey, what about this and rafi was just so good at telling him Oh, you put in your punchline before you're set up or you know do that joke before you do that joker Here's a line, you know Just smoke not caring about it He wasn't like really thinking and jeff was making notes and writing it down and he was just good at doing that You know when he got on last comic standing. He was already a headliner. Yeah, that's what people have to understand That's why it was impossible for that fan to win and people knew it and they felt weird about it

But mbc had to go with some I don't know. I don't know what went down but rafi I'm doing the same with him at his house at two in the morning While he was cooking He was the guy that told me that I had to stop playing for the back of the room. He told me right to my face Right, you know people think that people like me like like if I say something to lead Oh, he hit me with a tweet later. No, you shouldn't talk to me that way. I'll never forget like

The company advice I got was all bad like Anybody who ever said something to me about my set Wasn't pleasant. He was trying to help me It's not pleasant right, but that's you know, we were the business that we're in is that There's no school or anything how you learn is other comedians So if the comedians that are ahead of you don't tell you then You know, that's like there's things that you can't fucking know until somebody tells you about it, you know And now everyone's so nice. It's like acting class all the time. You're great. You're great

Yeah, no, let me tell you so people aren't getting better in some ways. He said something to me bonnie I'm gonna tell you what there's nothing I might cry. Oh, no because he was cooking as he said it to me He was cooking He was 600 pounds 700 pounds He barely fit in the kitchen in those days He would have to do like a 360 like a robot In the kitchen to turn around and that's lazy to drink all his orange juice And he would go crazy cocoa really

You left me a swallow of orange juice He said something to me one night that was high on coke And I fucking didn't even sleep on this floor. I just went in my car and cried That's how hard he hit me one night and I never Held it against him because he turned me into a comic. What did he say? Yeah He said that I had blown up the room. He goes you blew up that fucking room tonight cocoa Yeah, the funny motherfucker and he said something he was we were still broke. I mean everybody was broke I was living off him. He was living off his mom somebody was sending him checks

He was opening up for jaymore. Like he was headlined. Yeah And he's was staring whatever the fuck he was cooking and he goes You're only You're not gonna get I don't even know how he said it. He said to stop playing to the back of the room right He goes you're not gonna you're gonna starve until you learn how to play the front of the room cocoa You keep playing to the back of the room when those people don't pay in the back that comics, right? And I remember looking at him like what the fuck are you talking about?

Playing to the back of the room. What the fuck and I was all right. Remember getting in the car and Popping the car seat back and going he's right. It's a tough lesson to learn. It's tough when I go back there I'm worried about what the comics think I'm making fun Yeah for the comics because all the comics we get in the back and I perform for the comics and he goes you never see a successful comics comic He goes you'll never see a successful comics comic. Well, I I feel like you have to do a little of both You know, you don't want to be just the guy that's Selling it to you want to like it's like a Doug Stano for something. He's doing a little bit of both

He's still trying to make the comics laugh, you know That was a tough lesson to eat that fucking 12 year mark or something like in 2000 But it's true. It's like you you spend you see all these comics making that mistake Yeah, I kept doing it. I kept doing it and I would fucking destroy the comics in the back But the people in the front were looking at me like you're not funny, you know, like that we know this shit Like it was just weird. I used to watch Andy kindler Yeah The audience would do because all the comics would come in the back

They improv Andy kindler would go on and all the comics were laughing and and this was what the audience was doing They just kept turning looking like what the hell are these people laughing at? Like we don't get what is going on at all. They didn't get it. No, we just be like Losing our shit back there. That was some advice. He gave me He told me to throw a joke out once Which you know those jokes that you got emotionally attached to yeah, and he was like, I know you think it's funny But it's fucking horrible. Oh my god something crazy and I was like Jesus Christ And you know, I never wanted to punch him or call him fat, you know

Like I get it because he's ahead of me. You have to listen to someone like that in your life I'm rich and I say all the time. We're like, you know, the the the quickest way to get unfunny is uh to get fans You know, I mean like once you start playing to people that already like you it's like it's so easy to fall into that trap that's why comedians that that get Really big a lot of times they have a hard time staying sharp because they never have to like Work through that, you know That's what happened to me this year. You got you got too many fans

I fucking started playing to the fans and started fucking with me I didn't know what was fucking with me and even when I shot the netflix It was fucking with me. Yeah, and then after the netflix on the plane ride It hit me like a punch to the fucking mountain nose And I was like I've been fucking around for the last three years I'm going back to saying shit. I want to say I don't give a fuck Yeah, I don't give a fuck about the consequences. I'm 55 Well, there's the thing is that it's always like a little bit of this a little bit of that

No, what are they gonna say? They're not gonna like you. I'm not gonna laugh at you yourself. Yeah They're gonna appreciate that more than anything else I've seen guys that do a movie that have no comedic talent at all And they go on stage and they bomb for 40 minutes, but they tell Shit about themselves and the people leave happy As long as you yourself that's all they want to say That's what the audience some authenticity of some they want some authenticity. That's it. That's better than going up there And playing to them. That's right. You know, I want to every time I watch a clean comic. I go. Wow. I wish I work clean

And that sets me back 2000 fucking years I know but wait, it's hard not to it's hard when you watch a good comic You think well, I should be doing that. Well, when I saw John Mulaney's fucking special on Netflix I go why am I one of my stupid? I gotta start writing like that And all of a sudden you go into this writer's trap and it's like this is who you are, right? So I went through that I went through that for about two years the last two years and I just said Fuck it. No more set list. Right. I'm going back to comedy store comedy. Yeah, I'm going off the flow energy I'm starting with this and wherever it takes me. That's where it takes me and if they get offended

They shouldn't have been out on a fucking Thursday night Right, right And I feel better now. I feel liberated You know, that's why I was telling you I go out every other week. I feel very liberated now back to back I can't give you that 100% So I'm cheating you if you see me coming two weeks in a row. I'm cheating you right. I'm taking money out of your pocket Spending on something else. Right. I'm tired. I'm 50. I you know Well, it takes it out of you people realize doing a fucking hour while you're doing two hours a night basically

You're doing two shows You know, I um, I was at uh in philly doing the um, what's it called? What's that club called helium helium? And I had my dog and my kid with me and I was fucking exhausted by the end of it I mean, I was just like I can't this is really hard to go out the saturday last show Doing that last hour. I was just like I like five shows I like five shows. I like five shows. I like the new three show combination. I'm doing One show on friday

Getting the train go somewhere else and do two shows in the bigger city. Yeah, I like that combination I really enjoy that theaters would be fantastic and then one show a night. Yeah, but you have that still too to fucking Scratch the first one goes to the house And so the first one is always scratch you're like, well, I'm taking the bullet But at least I'm in the fucking theater now and you know, I'm trying Bonnie I mean you still you're working out you're taking k yourself. You're beautiful. You got the daughter but once For me it was throwing the kid into the mix

That's what really got to me that I didn't want to be a comic that died and then they had to learn about who I was from somebody else Right. Oh my god. I already got I already was involved in a marriage that I don't see my kid I have no communication With my kids and she's been 17 16 and she's welcome me and the wife just didn't Didn't click and you know, I think about it with this one I go What I would have trusted me with a kid 25 years ago, no wonder I wouldn't have trusted me I was nuts when I was with that kid the kid was five

And that's when I moved away when she was five and then we just broke it just broke it just Something that broke. It's like I gave up a life to get a life as a comedian. Yeah It was hard for a few years. I accepted it. I reached out a thousand times It's a different world and I live with that now. So I didn't want this to happen with her now So now I will over extend myself with her Because I see it's the little things back then it was I thought it was based on money and doing shit with your kid your kid just wants to land Your kid just wants your attention. That's it. They want to see you light up when you when they walk in the room

That's it. That's it. My whole fucking wall is and an iphone x and that is it That's all they want my wife won't give her for my wife. That's a play with her phone Yeah, and she texts me at night. She'll text me from her bed hearts and pictures of her doing shit Yeah, I'm at that level now where I'm I'm all in I'm all in for sunday dinners. Yeah, there's a rule in my house We got to be in for sunday dinner and eat like a family and then I watch my 60 minutes Well, I feel I think there's a thing where people, you know, it's all about making it big But really I honestly think the sweet spot is making it medium

Because when you if you're if you're gonna be a star people don't realize the amount of fucking effort it takes To make it to that level and to maintain it at that level You've got to be working and thinking about it all the time And so if you want to have a life where you know, like You have your kid and you have family and you have these like, you know actual real relationships and and um You know, you really there should be more everyone always says in this country like dream big dream big it should be like, you know Try to pay your mortgage and then spend some time with your family. That's I don't know. I mean, it sounds cheesy, but it's no it's not cheesy. It's really uh, let me explain some to you

I love That nobody knows what the fuck I am. I love it. I love it that people hate to break it to you I don't know if you know how many twitter followers you have. No, but people don't know who the fuck I am They've you know, half of those twitter followers have come and gone. They moved on to other comments right now and shit like that But it's so weird how I couldn't imagine Doing a lewis ck or kevin hard. That's not for me. Right. I I even feel uncomfortable like the wilber theater is as big as I like That's anything after that. It's too echoey. I feel the people uncomfortable

If it was up to me, I would just do 200 seat rooms right of course where I can fucking be huge in there Yeah, I'm huge in a 250 seat room. I 100 I can't imagine doing 20 000. What is I mean, I guess I don't so I get it. I get it like they say if you do the garden anyway You don't make no money Don't make no money at the end of the night when you add up the tickets and the money The union takes half of it. It's new york city, baby girl. Wow They want, you know 50 just you for you walking in there

Then it's security then it's advertising. Oh, yeah, so I guess so when the people do the garden like they don't do it They do it for the to say I did the garden. Yeah, but it's it's one of those things where You know, you need to do like 19 fucking shows like what I was going to do new york county festival They made me an offer. There was no money right? I couldn't believe it. Like there was no money like they were like 25 000 for advertising Wow, what are you talking about? What are you advertising Mars? What the fuck you sending signals to get it Puerto Rican with little flags, right?

That shit they did in the 70s when you were stuck out on the boat. I don't give a fuck 25 grand, you know, so you gotta think of all this shit Puerto Rican with a flag You don't remember those guys They would stand that thing give each other signals all that shit went to the garbage. I'm an old man I want to know what happened to Morse code. I was tremendous at Morse code I was worse than motherfuckers in australia tick tick tick tick tick tick tick I knew Morse code when I was a kid. That's amazing Morse code reason to talk to people who I don't know they would tick tick back

I don't know. I didn't know what the fuck was going on in case you're a kid now Isn't that from a titanic? Isn't that what you had a Morse code thing in your house? Yeah, you send fucking signals to people. Oh my god. How old are you? Are you? I'm that old I'm that fucking old that I know how to send more signals When you were in the 70s, they taught you how to do that shit in grammar school. I think Really? Yeah, dot dot dot dot you learn how to do the flags in case your boat your boat broke down You know how to send signals how to do sos. I can't even imagine you on a boat. Yeah

Yeah, you're gonna want to know all that shit as a kid in new york city, but I wasn't fucking the king of Morse code I can send that fucking. Do you still know what you think? No, I forgot all that shit And I used to know pig Latin too when I was a kid Oh my god, we used to speak my mother taught me how to cheat the cheetah cheeto all that shit Lee isn't he just had a why to the end something fucking crazy in spanish. No, but it was spanish wise Oh, you're doing you're doing spanish pig latin pig latin. Oh my god. That's another cheetah cheeto some fucking shit I was all confused as a kid sending more signals to people Morse fucking code that was how bad to the bone. I was tick tick tick

There was like a whole little chart and you would just fuck with people and send them Morse codes They couldn't trace your calls, you know, there was no call waiting. There was no nothing. This was straight up people I mean, we used to have one of those walkie-talkies where we'd sometimes get somebody on there Do you remember the Pittsburgh funny bone? Yeah, the guy was a fucking pervert. Yeah, he was creepy He had lawn furniture for fucking He had sued the funny bone and broke away from them so he could do whatever the fuck you wanted So the whole bar was pictures of naked women, you know Artistically taken by him

But you could tell this motherfucker was harvey jr. Because he had a couple of them that had bushes and shit But this guy only went there with rich. You only went there rich. Okay. He had a room So like thursday, he was too cheap to pay the radio But one guy liked them and they put you like am sports and then friday you went to his house and you you got a cb No, dog. He had something like ham radio. This is 1995 when the longest yard came out I probably went there from 95 to 98. What is he doing on a cb radio? He would sit there. I'm in my total I said, what time we hit the first podcast. He had the first podcast

Like truckers and stuff something only three or four people would listen to it I'm telling you this is the truth in his basement and we would sit there and it was like it would come on am And nobody would listen to it because I asked him like and he moved in and people like no, it's terrible He's terrible. He doesn't know what he's doing But he remember the one of the last times I went there we got into a fight over that podcast because I said listen We got to go eat and he's like I told you and I don't give a fuck what you told me I took the earphones off I said throw me out. I don't give a fuck. Get me the fuck out of here

40 years old on a cb ham radio to doing a fucking there wasn't even a podcast and it was 96 guys 97 98 I was like get me the fuck out of here. That was it after that. He never booked me again And then I heard he sold the club years later or something. Yeah, he had his own little radio station downstairs in his house And he would talk to you about the funny bonus pictures and shit He was a creepy fucking dude, man I just want to know what you said to those poor people on morse code. You probably Imagine the other end like who the fuck knows they would just get signals from me and panic. This is for official business

I used to fucking beat whatever. I was looking at my daughter. I'm looking at my daughter last night. She's five and a half She'll bitch. She's the cutest thing and I was thinking about what I was doing to five I lived on 88th street And my mother would give you remember Yourself at five and a half. Well, this could only be five and a half or six and a half Because I was still crazy It was before It was before I got hit in the head with the lunchbox. I got hit in the head with the lunchbox in central park

But we lived on 88th street and my mother had a jukebox at the bar So she would give me all the old records that they would take out of the bar And and there was and still to this day people sent me pictures of 205 west 88th street It's the corner building But next to it was a parking garage And we would play stickball on there and you know handball and there was a sign that said fallout shelter And we used it as a basketball thing a hoop You know, this is like it was a really a fallout shelter

Yeah the 80 in the 70s when I got here from cuba everybody had a fallout shelter because you know the russians right right Vedas so every building would have a sign in front of it that said fallout shelter And it would have like a radioactive sign And that meant in case of something you go right you go down and lock yourself in And they had like tang and vegetables in a can right there. They're ready. Yeah, and then you come out when the apocalypse is over Oh, my yeah, so they had fallout shelters and I'll never forget that there was a garage the kids would play stickball But the way my building was shaped It was like it went up three stories and on the third floor where I lived

Now I could see my neighbors that lived on the other side of the hallway We could see that yard where they would play I could see them and hear them But they couldn't see me So they'd be playing stickball and I'd take those fucking 45s those singles And I'd whip them out the window And by the time they got to the fucking bottom level they're like a boomerang Oh god now it could that could decapitate somebody. Oh my god. I'm surprised you look odd job from 007

Sometimes you didn't take anyone's head off I was like a Like a three-minute run. I would just throw out singles out of the window. Oh my god. The kids were yelling. What the fuck is doing that? Stop it One time I went down and I would do it and then go downstairs and ask what happened Gaslight like what's all the commotion about some fucking somebody's throwing singles out the record. Oh my god They got me in the head. I go, yeah, there's a crazy guy living up there Oh my god, that was such a fuck. I'm in my shit my pants on time and you were five and a half

He's like five and a half or six and I would not wipe my ass So my mom would take my underwear as a staple in front of my door. So I wouldn't bring my friends. Oh Oh my god And then I had to wipe my ass because I wouldn't wipe my ass and she said, how do you not wipe your ass? I don't know. I forget some tough love there And then she would go okay next time you fucking come up with a dirty underwear. I'm hanging on the wall I thought she was fucking around. Oh my god. She stapled it on the top of the wall That's such a mom thing. How long did it stay up there for like for a week or every time I ship my pants

He would staple them up against the wall like Like a trophy for me to look at it. How did you learn to wipe your ass? Not that I don't like that. I can't imagine mercy doing Mercy's like a little like a little kid. I can't imagine you throwing Did you ever get caught throwing the records? They never figured it out until I got When I moved out of there until the dad moved out of there I would wait till I had like 40 singles And I would just do I'd wait till there was a ton of kids out there on a Saturday playing

And I just started whipping them out And they would come around like flying saucers and you'd hear the guys. Fuck you Die and then also in that hallway. We were like flies. I was like, uh, not a pervert. Pyromaniac Listeners if any of your parents or anyone lived in that area during that time because someone has told the story about the records Well, I lived on 88th street defer like my father died when I was three Bonnie. I was lost My mom was a single mom trying to do the best she could, you know, she owned the bar She made good money But those years I put her through out like I look at my daughter and go I'm gonna pay for all those sins

All those sins I did to my mom those years were fucking cruel like the the shit You can only really come to terms with this shit when you have a kid, right? Then you start thinking about your mom That's it. I really do. I really do. I looked at the last time I was looking at I'm like I remember throwing singles Out the back fucking window like and then going downstairs and people be cut the heads would be cut. So what would you say on fire? I would set newspapers on fire. Anything I could set on fire in those days. I love fire, too As a kid I was I loved fire And I would set fire to everything like anything that's light on fire around the corner. I had a lighter

I figured out how to get a lighter and I would light a fire like the kids that I hung out with on 140 Anytime I saw a lighter laying around I stole that I stole it Yeah So one day it was in behind that building the building next to it If you went around the back that was stared down to the basement And we would go back there and do shit one day I go I start a fire Me and like two other kids three other kids and we put a bunch of newspaper back there We lit this fire

And in those days I would light a fire and turn and pee on it Like I was buck wild and turned the fire off And this one day I lit this fire in like this hallway Like it was just a single person could walk down the stairs and it was outside. It wasn't inside the building Before I fucking knew it the fire just blew up and I'm out of piss Like I'm out of piss and all my buddies are out of piss and we're like, what are we gonna do? Like get the fuck out of here. I don't know if we get running upstairs and Locking myself in the door and watching the fire department go back there and turn off the fucking fire like we were crazy

Turn off the fire. I like how you make it sound so easy It was just a little fire like nobody got hurt or nothing like that. It was just a stairway They just ignited we put like a tree every day. We got a little cocky. Jesus Yeah, I was a little pyro. I felt your entire plan was just a pee on it That too, but I was just a little pyro. I loved it. What do you got with your daughter? We got time here I just gotta make sure I got because rich won't really you know, he's called me before Coming in he said talk about the roast He said if you don't talk about the roast, I'm gonna kill you

The the roast so my life is the roast is fucking hilarious Vosros.com. Yeah, it's fucking hilarious. Yeah, so for his 60s birthday. We did um Did a roast of him with all his, you know, his friends jim norton. Yeah. Yeah. It's tremendous and uh, whatever I don't know. He wants I don't know what to say about it. It was good. It's saying it was really good I retweeted from I bought it. I think it was five hours four dollars three dollars. It's uh, yeah, it's on vimeo. It's five bucks To rent it, but you might as well buy it for 10 because you're gonna want to watch. Yeah, my wife even wants it My wife is a big rich boss fan. She's an american indian

What right? So one night me and my wife were having a regular conversation. We were dating in the living room There was no kid in our future. I think I was still doing blow and I'm ready to go out and rich boss is on some, uh You know collin quinn show that show. Yeah. Yeah tough crowd And he's talking shit about something and he goes I did when I was a kid the teacher would tell me to go Lay down in no go sit the indian style. So I would go lay in the gutter with a bottle or something Yeah, yeah Get a bottle and you know if you're having a conversation with somebody and like you both hear something

Like we both heard it. I didn't want to laugh because she's american indian But we both busted out and ever since then rich is like my wife's favorite fucking That's crazy. See that goes against everything we've been taught recently Yeah, no, no, no, my wife fell in love with rich after that joke and then Rogan told me a couple things about caroline that rich said one night like a long time ago that today Rich would have got thrown out in prison. Yeah If you would have said, you know But rogan said that it was him and rich and rich went up to rogan and goes watch this

Like it was one of those things like rogan rich went up to rogan and go watch this Isn't it funny that fucking Are you sure you should say this? What's the chick that I forgot who I forget the joke. I'm just gonna kill itself forget about Well, he's I I know like, uh, you know Actually for the roast we went and interviewed rich's friends and you know because everybody hated rich when they first met him as we made this little video of uh, you know, I'm saying the first time they met rich and um You know, it's like there's so many black comics that we're like I saw him on stage

I said, who's this fucking white guy? Because he used to do all black rooms, you know, that's that's that's where he started and he would beat him up And he would go after him this little fucking jew and and and and they said they'd watch him for a few minutes And then they'd go, oh, this guy's got fucking balls And they'd like him after that, you know, that's what I think that's his appeal is that he just I even see it now with these, you know, politically correct audiences is that rich goes up and then They try to bully you, you know into to to not saying or doing what they think you shouldn't say or do And that noise doesn't bother rich. He doesn't care. He doesn't hear it or he doesn't notice it

And he just does what he wants to do and at some point the audience just goes Oh, well, he's not gonna change I don't know if they know rich is the type of comic but if you turn on them Richard just stepped on the pedal a lot. Yeah, he's the old school type kind of oh, you didn't like that joke Yeah, well, I got another one to really get your panties on fire And if your cutting wife don't like that joke wake thought the joke after that one She's gonna shit her fucking pants. You might as well leave right now Once you have that type of of he's been doing it 30 years to he's got funny in his bones, man

Yeah, he's been doing it 30 years now. Yeah. Yeah, he can do any room at any time Doesn't matter. Yeah, he'll do any room spin it Torture him take him through different emotions. That's what you do at that level at that level you take him You control them like a puppeteer You could really control them. You could push him a little bit Listen all my audiences like where you just said about politically incorrect. I don't give a fuck about them Right. So at some point they'll come they'll come around because they're like, well, I guess that's that I guess this guy's This ain't abc bitch. Yeah, and you know what you got stuck on the wrong channel like when you get stuck on telemundo and you can't find

When you get stuck on telemundo and you can't find the remote, you don't know what the fuck's going on Why won't this lady stop speaking spanish on my tv? Yeah, that's me on stage. I don't give a fuck. I'm not gonna stop You know, whether it's the comedy store, you know, I'm doing a laugh factory with dom tomorrow You stumble in there tomorrow night. You're a tourist, you know, you're like, oh my god. This is where But you should be You should be seeing a variety of things I cannot I have to stay at home if you wanted to be safe Do you know what the fuck I was doing 30 six years ago?

It wasn't putting my hand on women's mounts It was fucking going to gay clubs and getting drugs It was robbing drug dealers. There was not a fucking day apiece. Right. I quit high school in 81 I quit high school in october 81 That was that started a two-year thing that ended with me robbing a fucking jewelry store and going to sarasota, florida Oh my god, this was this was just yes. That's what I was doing in 1980. You never went to jail. I went to jail in 87 88 I got arrested for what was it colorado? It's not gonna be burglary, but it was kidnapping and aggravated robbery really gone. Yeah

I went deep like rich. You just go deep on those drugs And then you you know, you wake up one day and whatever but Tired of being tired. Well, you can't come to me now and say that I robbed you with a fucking I robbed Georgie amicals gas station with a water pistol in 1981 With a water pistol. Yeah with a why put I I thought would you paint a water pistol? I took a water pistol and just put tape around I'll let you put tape. You make it look shiny. They don't know and you drill out the hole

You drill out the hole in the middle So because a lot of times people show up with the gun with the little the orange thing Yeah How long you in town for Bonnie? Um, I leave Friday morning. Are you doing any spots? Why are you I'm doing some spots at the store doing a couple at the improv and uh, Then I'm doing just a bunch of meetings and stuff and Promoting you still got boss roast calm Boss and my wife hates me podcast. My wife hates me. Yeah, we still do that

How many times a week do you put one up? We do two we do one for patreon and one regular, you know And you like doing podcasts you're great on them. I don't mind doing um, I some I mean I think like when rich and I do it sometimes I get embarrassed like I feel like we're putting all our shit out there He loves it. He doesn't care. He's got no boundaries. You know, you can't and uh, sometimes at the after during get them fine Then after sometimes I lay on my bed and go What did we talk about like we'll have full blown fucking marital fights on that podcast That's what people want to hear That's why people tune in

Listen nobody wants to talk about the couple that takes that kid to the pool and their life is happy Right, that's just on fucking television. That doesn't exist and people going through that right now So when you guys are actually going through that people listen to you going fuck. I thought my marriage was bad. Oh my god I think we do you know what I'm saying like people write me all the time and say like I hugged my wife today, you know We make people feel better about their marriage, but you know, we've been we've been married 13 years and uh You know, it's sometimes I see other people get divorced. They say what the fuck

How does that happen that we're still together? But you know what it is. He just still really fucking makes me laugh that guy Even in the middle of a fight sometimes we'll both just bust out laughing He's you know, then go then we'll get right back to the fight. You know, we don't we don't let go of it But uh, you look happy. You look great, man. He's a good guy. Yeah He's a good guy and God bless him. I'm 55 and I'm like, do I really want to be doing comedy at 61 God bless him. I called him a few weeks ago. He never wants to quit. No, he was somewhere he had just

I called him he had just gotten to kentucky. Yeah, he was pissed. Yeah, he was pissed and I made him laugh and I felt so good He's like i'm fucking in kentucky. I don't know what's going on. Like that's a great club That's a great club comedy on Broadway. That's a tremendous little club They got ducks outside. What are you pissed off about? They got a little bond with ducks What do you got to be pissed off about you got the world by the balls? He loves bane on stage You like new york living in new york. You miss l. A at all? I do miss l. A sometimes but uh, no, I have no regrets. I you know there was a lot

You know, I had just done an hbo special and then um, I moved to the middle of new jersey and had a baby and sometimes I feel like that was probably not the best career move but Then I came around to like I have all this, you know, I mean, I really do have a nice life I have a you know When you stop comparing yourself to others. I know this sounds so fucking cheesy But you'd really do start to realize like oh my god. I got all this free time during the day to ride and You know, I did all this stuff one day. I was like Went to the dry cleaners and I I just was doing air and after air and I told rich all the things I did

I said I just stopped and I was like, oh my god people do that and have a full-time job You know, it's like it's like really, you know, my day doesn't stop either I mean my day doesn't stop today. I had a great night's sleep last night. Oh my god I didn't move for eight hours. Nice. Those are those are rare. I took a nap in the afternoon I fell asleep on the plane on the way back from boston But last night was just brilliant and I got up this morning with venom in my eyes I Wasn't a bad mood. I was a phenomenal mood, but I was fucking ready to go. Yeah. Yeah

Stop I went from one move to the next to the next to the next acupuncture I knew you were gonna call me as soon as I fucking laid down He goes you want to get that? I go no, I know who the fuck it is. I'm ready You said after dual third handed I go no because I was going in there after I fly I usually go to acupuncture on monday and it works. Yeah, he cleans me the fuck out He even told me goes. Oh, yeah, I can tell you because he does the computer You hold the two the two magnetos at first and then he goes through your body And he could tell me what's going on. He said you got a problem there and you digest them

Yeah, because I my friend swears by it. I gotta try this is probably 13 years. I'm on it now. Wow My ankles when I first started going my ankles are really thick. I had a problem with circulation And that's the money. That's why those chinese people leave to be on that's why they they smoke more cigarettes To us, but there's less cancer that because they had their bodies and more oxygen Jaded plus they do that tai chi. They just go outside and push the air. That's gotta do something for you You look beautiful, you know, I'm happy. You're still doing your fucking thing, you know, I like doing stand-up You know, I do it. I still do it every weekend now right now Like look at the life you live in when you train that into be amish human to put a fucking a target on your back

Well, you know, I thought about it. I could I could never I just know I could never be that I don't want that. I never wanted that. I was I was When I got into comedy, it was just to save me Yeah, I didn't expect anything or whatever. Everything has been a cherry on a sundae. You know, so yeah, I take it for what is right now You know, like oh after Netflix comes out. I go listen I'm still sticking to the same schedule right until everybody the agency man like it's great But well, that's the thing you gotta push so hard to get to that level I'm still sticking to the same level because

That's the level that I work at the best, right? You know, that's where you because I'm for me so about being creative. I want to just be creative every time I want to go on stage I want to feel enthusiastic about it. You know, it's like that dude. I watched that molly's game and she quotes that dude She goes uh success is moving from area From area to area With full enthusiasm. Yeah, and it really is Tuesdays and mondays you do a podcast fucking great. I don't even I wouldn't even consider doing stand-up to that Right. I don't care what you're paying me. I'm focused on a fucking podcast today

So sunday monday tuesday is my podcast days, right? And then you know on the weekend you do comedy and then for a week. I'm a fucking dad straight I'm a karate. I'm a fucking pool So and I'm enthused at every level how many times you should let your daughter stand when she was a kid going What am I doing in my life? An hour fucking ballet class. I I I yeah, I wasn't that thrilled about the dance classes all that shit But guess what you got to do that. You know what I see? But you know what it refills you it refuels you when I sit there with her after 20 minutes

I go what the fuck am I doing my life? I get material. I think of things. Yes. I got a lot of material plus that's what she likes She gets older. She's gonna be such a great sounding like I've always wanted a friend that just Hang out and you do bits all day with and that's what I have I have an 11 year old that loves fucking doing bits all day, you know, so it's like we go to the park We hang out it's you pushing her into comedy. No, no, no, I don't think kids I don't like I don't like when kids want to be in show business. I don't like it either. Thank god. We agree I don't like it. It's fucking creepy. Yeah, and the krips these fucking kids are forever

It's too creepy. Yeah, even three years on sitcom For these kids it's traumatizing. They see a world from a different view They they have they have had it's like it it fucks with this natural order of things Adults aren't supposed to be talking to you and hanging on your every word like you're the smartest person in the room, you know And when you're the star of a show Even if you're only 14, that's what everybody does, you know, their jobs depend on it What days is the podcast come out? Uh, what does it matter, you know, we don't we just do it whenever we can do it and put it out

So one a week, you know, usually it's Wednesday or Thursday, but and you have a lot of dates coming up Um, you know, I work mostly in new york on the weekends and the new york area. Yeah, you stay jersey You do the rd lang tour Yeah, rd lang works every week in jersey. I don't know how the fucking does it him and him and the reverend bob Fucking savages, you know, they're a basket I think bob leavey's the way he's the driving force of that train. Yeah, I think he's a savage. They're savages He's always like they're in jersey every fucking week. I love it. Yeah, like if I live in jersey, I would go on their tour Yeah, that's it. It's a tour of just jersey every week or in some fucking different neighborhood in jersey

And jersey's not what it used to be that there's some politically correct mother fuckers now in jersey I used to always say I think I think jersey still is I say nobody's ever been like, oh About a joke in jersey. I still feel like that's true. How about in whole bokeh? This is a whole bokeh into whole bokeh's got a lot of comedy Um, do they have a weekly thing? Yeah, they have some weekly shit there But still the the club is a stress factory in new jersey. That's just I love it. I have a show there once a month first, uh, I'm actually Supposed to be there on the third but the first Wednesday of every month. You have a show there. Yeah with, uh

Alley me Okay, so good for you, buddy. It was great to see you like thank you for having me on. This is awesome when you were a young girl I spoke to fucking Your husband and he told me you were coming out and I go listen, you know, she's always welcome. I love to see you He's always fucking me on things. God bless him. No, thank god. I thought you know, you're great and I haven't seen you and it's weird that We talked about Ralphie a little bit and we found out that this week is his one-year anniversary. Yeah on the sixth, right? So it was uh

It was bittersweet to even do the podcast. We'll dedicate it to him dedicated to Ralphie So it was great to see you again. I'll see you motherfuckers Next weekend in west palm beach. I'm just doing friday and saturday and two weeks after that the 25th of the 27th I'm at halarities in cleveland with my main man, george perez. All right. I want to thank bonnie mcfarlane for coming And don't forget she's over at the stress factory the first wednesday of every month. She's a sweetheart I'm so happy We got around the show today But let me talk to you real quick about something sure watching football is fun

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