Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #625 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: October 10, 2018

Kate Quigley, comedian, actress, and host of the "#DateFails" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  See Joey and Kate LIVE at the New York Comedy Festival November 8-10 at Gotham Comedy Club.  This podcast is brought to you by:  Quip - Go to getquip.com/joey and try their dentist designed electric toothbrush. When you go to getquip.com/joey you get your first refill pack FREE with a quip electric tooth brush.   MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Deposit after 7pm EST and they will give you another $25 in free play.   Recorded live on 10/09/18.

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Are you fucking nuts or what it's Wednesday March 8th, no It's Wednesday October October Wednesday October 10th, it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive Fucking put some powder in your bags. Don't worry about the fucking Let's get this party started this Wednesday What are you fucking kidding me the one and only Kate Quigley's in this mother fucker Uncle Joey the Christ killer with spots and his own personal fly

We're all the fucking house today. Here we go That's right. I'm pleased to meet you My name Don't you believe in mystery? Don't you want to pay my name? I've never been in love before I'm looking for a man that'll do it anywhere Even though I'm in a sea war

Cause you're never living in a fantasy My own little nasty world To me, don't you want to come with me Do you think I'm a nasty girl Blowing up a fucking Wednesday morning You understand me? Blowing it up here on the church Don't you want to come with me

Do you think I'm a nasty girl I guess I'm just used to say love I think they got water on the brain I think they got more water upstairs Than sugar on the candy cane Are you fucking done? Are you fucking done? I love when you sing

I was telling you that I still remember when this song was on the radio When? This is November of 83 I like that you played I don't think I've ever been here when you've played A girl, a female vocalist I love all that shit

I like this song I still remember getting in a car It was cold I had just come from Sarasota, Florida I've been hiding from the cops And I'm in this car And I got a job at a factory Painting shells

And putting boxes together Cause entomines When you go into a supermarket Those entomine shells Spray paint them With a gun And then we put them in shells And you'd have to build them at the store

So I got a job If I stayed there for 30 days I'd become a union It was my first shot of being a human being again How old were you? I was 19 And Ferney, my buddy His father had the HMB diner

Around the corner It was right in Edgewater Right downtown Edgewater where they shot And HMB diner was The heart of the city It was packed every day I don't think I knew you lived in Florida No, they say fucking Florida

I was in Sarasota hiding out from the cops I come back When I found out the cops weren't looking for me no more And I moved in with my buddy Ferney I love that you hid in Sarasota By the way I had a friend that was in Sarasota His name was G Hartman

Not like Alaska or Mexico, just Florida At that time everybody from Jersey He only goes to Florida If you know anything about Jersey They go to Atlantic City It's a big time of the year when they bring out the white shoes And then the other side They go to fucking Florida

That's it Nothing west of the Mississippi So I had a friend that is father work for NASA And they lived in Florida They moved to Florida when he was a sophomore And he came back my senior year All fucking Jumped up like fucking young

If you ever want to come down That dying and loneliness man He would have taken anybody Really? And I remember going The cops were looking for me on a Sunday night And I remember going fuck I called him up, I had his number

And I go Gary I'm coming down I didn't tell him the cops were looking for me or anything No, you don't usually lead with that He was coming in I'll pick you up He was so fucking excited Just to have somebody He was so lonely

Just to have somebody that knew What he was about How crazy he was and shit How much time of your life would you say You spent hiding from the law? Hiding from the law and from people All together Maybe three years

Like if you combine everything That's amazing So those are those first two months But I always had something bad going on Kate Like there was always something in the pipe Like criminal or just personal I always had something in the pipe I was working on

Kate came over here with a bag of coke And she made me drop her off in front of the dealer's house So now I knew that there was a dealer in there now Right So I would walk over there one night And then I'd find out what his name was So I always had something working I always had somebody looking for me

Yeah, you always had a period If I got to the point in my life That if I wasn't in trouble I wasn't happy Huh Like I lived in a place That if I wasn't in trouble I wasn't happy

I had to go to sleep every night scared For me to go to sleep From the pain I was going through with my mother And having no family I got to a point that I didn't care about life And I would just beat people I've been there I've been there

Like where you Or you just almost like When you're in pain You want to do reckless shit Because somehow like the more reckless you are Well the world was mean to you So now you're going to be mean back to the world The world was a scumbag to you

And this is the first time you've That the world has been a scumbag to you So your immediate reaction My reaction as a young man Was to lash out against the world Me too Regardless of who I hurt And I kept a circle of people

That I didn't try to involve them They would always get involved Because they would always hear about it So if everybody knew Kate was my goomba Every time I did something Kate would have to hear about it Yeah of course Your fucking buddy is up to it again

And you're like listen His mother died You know give him a breather Fuck that He robbed my friend's house And now he's out there doing coke And he told him to go fuck himself So my friends are always getting

The blunt of that And that's why today I'm really good to those people Because all those times I would disappear They'd be in the bar And they'd take the blunt of it Damn Somebody would come and go Where's Coco

What are you even talking about Yeah he robbed my house last night And we know it's him And fucking We're gonna fuck him up And my friends would giggle What would you They would

They would They would love it They would love it That's insane I'd be scared They would love it No way Just two, three days ago

Sometimes like I said I go to a coffee shop to write Yeah And I end up writing something else As an exercise Yeah you told me You just write You don't even think about it

You just write whatever I wrote a story that was really funny to me I met this cat When I was a freshman in high school I really don't want to say his name You know I'm not friends with him I haven't spoken to him in 30 years But I met this cat

And he was a rich kid His father was a mobster Left his mother for a younger girl Typical shit Yeah And his father just placated it By throwing money at him And you know he had his E-28

He always had new cars He always had new stereos His mother got fucking fat and ugly And he had his aunt That was a half a Momo She had had like her nervous breakdown And she couldn't go to work or some shit A Momo

Yeah like she just sat in the kitchen And watched game shows all day With drinks Fucking tea So I became friends with him Through other friends And one of the guys that adopted me Mike Runny

Lid him up on one night One night he tried to be a tough guy And Mike And that's the wrong guy to be a tough guy with And Mike lit him up at the park On 51st Street Park Bloody his face No

That was he broke his nose Yeah it was blood everywhere So he always knew I was Mike's goomba So he was always kind of standoffish with me You know what I'm saying Like every time I'd see him He'd say hello and he was courteous But he knew I was Mike's brother

And you can't tell me a story about Mike Of course You can't come to me Tell me anything about Mike Cause I'll smack you I have friends like that So me and him became kind of friends We would take rides

And they were all scared to go into the city They were reefer heads So I would say I'll take you to the spot My fee was a bag To drive them? They would drive Oh

And I would get out of the car Walk into the spot Get to reefer them And get back in the car And get with them Little did they know I would take a butt out of their bag Of course

I was working them to death Yeah And I knew the guys in the bodega They would take care of me Ba-ba-ba So you know I kind of liked them But he still wasn't one of my favorites

And one night When I was like a junior Or the beginning of my senior year I saw him out one night And he goes Get in the car You want to take a ride with us And we're smoking pot

And listening to loud music Going around North Bergen Where I live And he had a crush on this girl And the girls were hanging out In front of this park And it was four of us And he got out of the car

And started talking to the girl Well guess what My boyfriend That was a fucking gorilla He rolled up With one of his buddies And without provocation Just started beating up on my buddy

No Just started And just opened up So all of us three Get out of the car And I'm trying to de-escalate the situation How? By just breaking them apart

The guy he was rockin' They called him Rocky Like his father owned a diner In Fairview, New Jersey And some shit And the guy was a big kid He was roided up He fuckin' pummeled Perry

That was the kid's name So we all got back on the Z-28 He dropped us off And about a week later Somebody said to their dog You know, he's manager Cause he said you didn't have his back And I go, what are you talkin' about?

It was four against two We would've killed those guys There was no reason to escalate the situation They would've just come back with 20 guys And then with our whole town's at war Let's just break it up Everybody take that punches And that's what I told them

And he goes, well, he took it like whatever So I confronted him about it And he goes, well, I wanted to fight him And I go, Perry, he was knockin' the fuck out of you You weren't goin' nowhere out here There was nowhere to go So over the years, him and I had had this thing We were cool because we had mutual friends

So we ended up in different places I leave, I go to Colorado I never think about him I move on with my life I go back to New Jersey in 84 Everybody's a drug dealer Everybody's the mafia Everybody's selling Coke, everybody

It's like leaving right now and coming back And when I come back, Lee and you A big time Coke dealers And I'm like, he never did Coke It's so weird, though Like how come no one just got a... That's how cocaine spread in the early 80s It was that fast

Damn 83 to 85, it spread like a fuckin' wildfire When you watch the 75 Or the other documentary They're not lyin' It took over You would be coming here for years To this corner to buy weed

And one day you shut up and they're like Hang on no more, we ain't sellin' weed no more This is straight up rockin' this motherfucker And you're like... That's how quick it had taken over Huh So when I moved back I bumped into him one day and he's like

I got this Coke, nobody else has this connection He gave me two Blast Canes It was out of this fuckin' world What did you, like the first time I tried Coke I didn't even feel I was like, I started at 16 That's insane Now I'm 21, 22

21 and I moved back to North Bergen For some stupid reason And I bumped into him and he's telling me That he's sellin' Coke His father owned a construction company So he worked construction, he was always a big John Construction leader, he was a degenerate gambler So to placate this check

He had stolen that check from that dude No But she was like a high-money chick Looked to rock if he wanted that pussy That's why she was dating the dude who was father On the deli, she was one of those girls Oh, on the deli, that's the high-money Yeah, that's where the money is

She ain't gonna date no stiff So he had to come up with guiness To date this girl, you know And he had the construction job He gambled and then he told me one day He got into the Coke business So I say to him Maybe you can sway some customers in my way

I'll take care of you from time to time So I started helping him out, it was easy in those days Everybody was looking for Coke every day Every day you woke up To some amount of food An eight-ball, a gram, a quarter ounce They were leaving to my aunt Somewhere for a month, they wanted to take it with them

There was always a way to make money in those days So one night I saw him We were working together for like three weeks Me sending people over there Or me picking it up from him And we had worked out a percentage Like five points a week Give me like fucking 100 cash

And I'll tell you what, give me a gram of Coke Because it's 100 to me But it's 65 cost to you He's like, no, I'm cutting up a percentage And I was like, you just made a bad mistake Like in the back of my mind You fucked with the wrong guy Yeah, I go, you're getting robbed

Like I already knew I was gonna rob him That's hilarious Like he was just on a hook, I would just put people on a hook Give him time to forget about what happened Yep Whatever altercation happened between us I'd give him six months And one day when the timing was right

I'd clip you I would bang you out And I'd even learn your delivery schedule That's insane You were getting from If I would drive by and see his car in front of the house You just picked up That means it's in your house

If I go to a bar, you're at the bar drinking with your friends There's nobody at the house That means I got an hour to get down to your house Kick the fucking down I would just kick your door in There was no fucking thievery Well, it's not like they're gonna call the cops My blow is missing, what are you gonna say?

No, no, no, that's what I knew And then they would come to me Yeah And I had six gorillas that I grew up with That wouldn't let something like that happen to me You know what I'm saying? They wouldn't let this go down So they was forgotten about People would just move on and go

That motherfucker robbed me Did you ever do that and regret it? Did anything bad ever come out of it? Yeah, I got a reputation And then everything that happened got pointed at me Oh, right Then everybody thought you did everything So, any time somebody got robbed

It was me, and then what happened was I got accused of doing something that I really didn't do And it destroyed me What was it? Because they were close friends of mine A friend of mine said I robbed his house I wasn't even living in that area at the time So I had to call the chief of police

Who I knew personally, I hung out with his son And I go, these people, these political people All accusing me of robbing the house I live up in Crestgill I don't even come into that area Because I had people looking for me I had like three drug dealers looking for me Because people looking for you everywhere

This was crazy That's how I lived I would beat two or three or four people For ten thousand a piece Eight thousand, six thousand And I would lock myself up in a hotel For a fucking month Jesus

And I'd wait for it to cool down And I'd come back like nothing happened That's so crazy I've never broken into someone's house Well, I like to get revenge But only for personal If someone hurts me personally Emotionally, I'll get fucking revenge

And do crazy shit At that time, like you said, I was in pain And everything that happened It was the world doing it to me So I would have to rob you That was my way of lashing out at the world It was my robbing people Yeah, and sometimes I just feel like I want to make someone

If someone hurts me, I'm like, I want to make them feel it I want to teach them a lesson But I want to do it in a way that they'll like Never know it was me But they'll feel what I felt And then I get revenge on people And then I always regret it My friend Sarah says before you seek revenge

Dig two graves, one for you, one for them Every time I've gotten revenge Like within a month I regret it, really bad The last person I got revenge on Actually, the last person I got revenge on You were with me Well, you weren't with me when I got the revenge

But you were with me when I was talking to this dude and he hurt my feelings And he blocked my number and I was upset And he said some mean shit to me And then I came back to LA Now I can say this because there's no police report But I came back to LA And one night I got drunk

And I put on a cape, a super girl cape And a fuckboy patrol hat And I went to his house With my girlfriend and my gay friend In the middle of the night I got up to fence And then I got inside And I sat on the ground and I had no plan

Like I came for revenge but I didn't know What I wanted to do So then I started pulling pieces of paper And markers out of my purse And I made a bunch of signs That said crazy shit Like seeking hot guy who will fuck me Has to text me back

If you know someone please give him this number I wrote a number on the sign Then I drew a picture of me with like huge boobs And I drew like a caricature of what I look like And said this girl is DTF No drama This sign has been glued to your door With pussy juice

And I taped all these signs to this guy's door In the middle of the night like 3 o'clock in the morning But the inside of the house Well on the outside of his door It's an apartment complex actually Let's get this out of the way This is not revenge, this is an act of alcoholism No, no

That's why I was You were a little mad I wasn't mad at you, I was just It was revenge It's disappointing because You're on a different level in your life I shouldn't be dealing with that If he fucking hurt you directly

I could see He did hurt me He wouldn't have been going back in this stupid game For 10 fucking years So you know, that's not revenge I've never, there was one girl I thought it was funny Because she called the cops on me

Something like that, I seek revenge But that type of stuff, you will end up in trouble You will dig two graves for yourself But it was revenge It was a small community It was revenge for something he had said to you Say something back to him No

But to jump his fence And to put pussy juice on his door And to put a video of your pussy with you talking That was just a little out of all talking You didn't think that was funny Not even by a fucking third The apology video, the talking vagina Not even at any level

Wait, Lee In fact, Lee and I even had a conversation We were both like No, yeah, we were both like, what are you thinking Wait a minute, if you got in a fight With your girlfriend, me and this guy were like That was just Out of fucking bounds

The pussy video or the hopping the fence The whole thing I think the pussy video is hilarious The people don't know He is not even your boyfriend No But he was mad at me so I sent him Okay, listen, the people don't know

I sent him a talking vagina Apology I said, I'm sorry I made you mad And I made my vagina talk And I said, don't be mad at Kate Be mad at this pussy, you can even beat it up I thought it was hilarious That was just

That was way over You've been with this guy messing around Playing head games for five years You know, you get what you deserve I don't play head games People really don't know You really gotta know the animal you're dealing with And the relationship and life

And sometimes you gotta learn When to fucking back the fuck off Yeah, but you He I am the most vengeful person In the world He blocked me Move on with your fucking life

But you don't want to be bothered Now for you to jump his fence Listen to what you did We have plans What if the cops would have showed up That would have been amazing I would have got a mugshot No, it wouldn't have

Not in today's fucking society In today's environment Some guy fucking smacks you And grabs your pussy and you stab him I'm driving you Yeah Some guy gets out of control with you I'll drive you and give you the weapon

And get rid of the weapon And burn the gunpowder off your hand I'll help you Because I'm that type of person I know what it feels like It's like a dear friend once told me If you come to me and tell me the truth And don't miss a detail

I'll do anything in the world for you Me too But when you picked those battles That was the worst thing You know what I wrote it off to The Adderall and the alcohol Because you get crazy I see you get crazy on those Adderall things

I hardly ever take Adderall They stock up on your body And I could tell when you're tweeting And you're on that shit That's how good I am I just told my Listen, I am an addicted sack of shit I have done every drug there is

So There's one thing about me You cannot come at me any other way We have a mutual friend About three months ago I looked at him and I go That guy is doing blow And Lee was like you know

I know what you're talking about Trust me I'm telling you I've been there and I know the characteristics I know the characteristics I've been at every I've been hooked on Vicodin I've been hooked on Valium You know I never got a dependency

The heroin because I never did it back to back nights I always waited a week But I know the steps of a junkie I am a junkie That's why I was depressed with you Because the drugs had something This is something Kate the comic

Would have not done And this is why you have to check Every level of what you do Especially in today's environment You know what for me When someone blocks me And I know it's my abandonment issues And I know it's my own shit

I need to like work on But when someone blocks me I would rather a guy punch me Especially if I didn't The thing is with that dude And I know what you're saying It was immature But that guy literally like

Does it for fun And I couldn't take it anymore I just snapped You know why he blocked me Because I said that he went down on me While I was on my period And he was in love with me Nobody wants to hear that

We're adults here Nobody wants to hear that We talk about puking all over Nobody wants to hear or tweet it When it's about them I didn't tweet it I didn't say who It didn't matter

He's gonna be the first one To broadcast It's a compliment How do you get in some of these pants? Me? When you really want somebody How do you get in some of these pants Anybody

When you really want You leave them alone Or reject them a little Nobody can figure it out When you're on somebody for two months And one night you're like I'm done with this bitch You go to a strip club Bitch every night for two months

She's not interested She's got a boyfriend or whatever And then you pull out the baddest bitch For 800 or 1000 bucks Whatever she wants The next night when you come back That strip is gonna be pissed off at you It's just something about women and men

That drives us crazy When we get shut down Comics have the same I used to study comics at the store When a comic is big time And he's holding court He's not concerned about The six people that are holding court

He's concerned about the one guy Standing in the corner Not listening to him Okay, he's not pissed off About the seven people He's not concerned about them He's got them I've seen stars go up to the store

I've been sitting in the lodge Smoking pot watching And I would watch The so-called stars You know, holding court But Certain comics Not even giving a fuck that they were there

And you could see it was driving them crazy It's human nature To want the one That's not paying attention I do this sometimes I was at a party one night And there was a guy I was into And all the girls were into this guy

And I sat down with him And I talked to him for a few minutes And then I just went in an empty room At this party And I sat down on a couch And I just started watching TV Like I literally just did my own thing Done, I come over to you

15 minutes later, he came in the room Hung out with me the rest of the night And it was just because I was the one that wasn't trying Done, that's it I felt like I won We were talking about it yesterday I need to break your balls Like I've had

I've been involved with one time when I was on a date And I had met this girl You know, it wasn't like an outline date I knew her and we went out to eat or something And I didn't know Like you ever see that movie Blind Date Before they took it It's an old movie from 87

It's hilarious, Bruce Willis and Kim Bastinger No Kim Bastinger really didn't know what she wanted to do She was making all these movies With these good-looking leading men And she did this movie with Bruce Willis And they told him Specifically not to give her booze

To give her a booze There were some people that you cannot give booze to And before I took this girl out With my demented mind A friend pulled me aside And I go, whatever you do You'll never give her a boo And then my demented mail

But like, yeah, I'm giving That's the first thing I'm doing So the first place I took it was for a shot And once she had the first shot She lost it And she started having more shots and getting louder And now I'm like, what am I going to do with this girl So I figured, let me take it back

To the bar where her girlfriends work So she could calm down Now, by no means I don't want anybody to get me wrong I wanted to fuck this girl more than anything in the world She was beautiful I didn't even believe she was on a date with me I was just starting to do comedy

And she had a beautiful ensemble And we would pull up at the parking lot She's going crazy in the car Like singing loud Like Lee, a couple weeks ago A girl came over to Lee's house And was talking about how you was good And all this shit

And Lee was almost down 9-1-1 Because Lee can't handle that shit either I don't drink So a drunk woman gets on my lap There's two types of drunk women There's drunk women that are paying the ass And there's drunk women that are fun At least this girl

Was fun She was making me laugh But as we pulled up She turned around and looked at me And she goes, this is a perfect place For us to fuck And she took her shirt And she just ripped her clothes off

That was her freak She liked when you ripped her clothes off She ripped her clothes off In the car? Ripped her skirt off And here we are in the parking lot And I'm out of water She fucked the shit out of me in the car

I got to walk into this bar We're pussy on my breath and shit And they were like, whatever her name was And I'm like, she's in the car I couldn't tell if she couldn't come in Because her clothes were shredded She was sitting in the car Waiting for me to bring her a vodka

So I came out, I brought her a vodka tonic Holy shit We finished fucking in the car We went back to my place I gave her like sweatpants and a shirt Now she was adopted And her real brother was visiting her Out of town

And her brother knew how the type of freak she was When I dropped her off She had her clothes When I dropped her off She had her clothes in her hand With her heels I took her back to my house and gave her like sweatpants She was tiny

She was a tiny chick I had like fine clothes From other chicks A surplus size over the years You keep like a pair of panties Of course So I dressed her up and I haven't been taking her home And I'll never forget

Her like she was in Like she loved it That I attacked her and she ripped her clothes She kept telling me to rip my skirt And then we kept dating And she would tell me to rip my clothes off Just don't rip the bra because they're $40 Rip everything else off

She would have like dollar store panties And I would have to rip them off Oh my god I don't even know the point where you're getting to it When she first told me When she turned to me Kate said So are we gonna fuck

Kate Every piece of energy left my body Like I was ready If I could have I would have pressed the button You know the early James Bond car You would shoot out of the car Like I would have shot out of the car

Because I'm the type of guy I have to tell you Kate you're looking good Let's see what that pussy tastes like If you bring it upon me There's guys that fold Have you ever met a guy When you were aggressive with him And he kind of folded a little bit

I'm one of those fucking fags I'll fold under prepping questioning It's happened to me before where I'll go out with a guy Okay this drives me insane If you want to get a girl to fuck you Here is a great way to do it It's happened to me a couple times that I'll go on a couple dates with a guy

And I'll be into him But I'll hold back on fucking him Because I don't want to do it too soon Because I like him Or I'm trying to set some president like Oh I want to actually date him Three or four They kind of disappear

And if I like him Then I start to try to use the sex To lure him back in I haven't done this in a while But there's one guy in particular I literally the last night we hung out We were like almost hooked up but we didn't And I was like next time for sure

We're fucking And then the guy never took me out again And I would text him every once in a while Like I would send him a hot photo Like I eventually just went straight to Let's fuck Like I was just throwing it out there Because once someone won't sleep with me

But I've had a taste I want it I can't help it And especially when they pull back Yes Especially when they go you know what I'm going to pass on Kate Yeah

Because I'm like why what happened And then it makes me go a little nutty I'm like he's got to be gay Why won't he fuck me or he has a girlfriend But it's happening to me three or four times If I don't fuck him by date three or four They don't try And then once I yeah

Once you throw it out there you send a naked photo You try too hard They're out Some guys cannot be And a lot of guys listening to this going I'm telling you I've had friends that have told me the same situations I had a friend that

I have a dear friend that I still talked to And when we were kids I was living in Colorado Went home and one night He goes I want you to meet me at this bar I want you to meet me to my new girlfriend And her name was Karen But after years we started calling her crazy

Karen she was the real deal And this was like maybe their fourth Date Or their fifth date And he got up to go to the bathroom And she looked me straight in the face and she goes So what do I got to do to get your friend to fuck me And I was like at a bar

I was 21 I didn't know how to react What are you talking about And she goes I've done everything I can for your friend to fuck me Is he gay or you was gay lover Like she was from Jersey She was like are you a faggot Is he a faggot with you

And he walked back right into the conversation And he goes what's going on And we were just talking and he goes no no tell him What's the deal you ever gonna fuck me And he was like what type of fucking woman are you Like I was in shock and then they end up dating for years Oh they did Yeah but after that she was crazy Karen

So it worked though See like that's my Like dream Like I was always like when you said That like girl if you like someone The way to get them is to not pay attention to them I didn't get that memo Like yeah

You have to figure it out But no it's true I've been single all like 10 months And when I don't return a call Or if I like have to cancel because I have a podcast Or I'd rather do this Open mic They call it like they're

All they want to do is come over And I was nice for 28 Years 29 years And it got me nowhere And like it's So that That annoyed me but then it also

Was crazy that you don't like when girls are aggressive Like that's what I need I would love that Oh you need a girl to smack in the face I don't want anyone to smack me I like one that Sometimes I feel like a pervert because As guys you always have to be the one to initiate

You do not But once a girl initiates I don't know I like the guy to kind of like manhandle me a little But every once in a while it's fun to dominate A guy every now and then I would be dominated but just like Every once in a while Manicate the smack you open hand in the face

Like can be did to Conor McGregor in the third round Just bit slap you and call you a faggot Eat my pussy you little faggot You know You're like fuck you I'm not a faggot You need a girl to throw you down and just sit on your face Then she back hands you with like a glove Eat my pussy you fucking little

You faggot You're like don't call me a Jew You're antisemitic and all this shit Wait Lee do you eat ass No not a chance Why? You don't have to stick your tongue all the way up You don't even like leak around it

There's plenty of other things to do Seven years I've tried to get it You have to That's what brings them back There's shit up there and I don't care how many showers you take Or how little you eat You have a story about taking ten foil out of a woman's butt hole Okay but I'm still here

Did I die? No I'm still fucking here That's what I'm saying I don't want to live my life You eat somebody's pussy You flip her over you lick her ass hole Even if you get a little piece of shit on your tongue It's no big deal Go look up the rate

Of a fast food burger Remember when they did that movie years ago about McDonald's But it's not wrapped up They last forever That they had a 98th of a burger Those frozen burgers at McDonald's They didn't say McDonald's It was called supersize me

They said that every hamburger They found fecal matter Well there's fecal matter on your phone There's fecal matter everywhere But I'm not going to stick my tongue in the source But there's probably some on this cup I don't want to get fecal matter from a phone But if I'm going to get fecal matter

I'm going to get it from a girl's ass hole I'm getting it right from the source My thing is if you I like guys that love to devour women So I have time to do it That's why you always be single If I have to do that I don't want to do that You were in love with Paula because you didn't have to have sex

No I like having sex Once a week she wouldn't suck your dick in the morning She wouldn't suck your dick at night She wouldn't suck your dick when you were dry You like that because you don't want to be You have to be free with a woman Lee That doesn't mean you have to eat asshole

You have to eat asshole It's just we really like it If you love somebody and you get a little fecal matter on your tongue A little piece of shit You spit it out like a watermelon You ever get a watermelon in your mouth You just spit it out And you keep eating that fucking asshole

Like it's a cupcake I understand not wanting shit on it You want to please your partner Not in that way Oh my god you don't know what it's like to put two fingers in their pussy from behind Just move it gently At the same time Lick that little asshole

Lick it and machine it on that tongue And they'll start going You just start fingering them fucking harder And then you put three fingers in there And you start switching it Like a washer and dryer And that pussy is making noises When it goes like this

You put three fingers in there And you spin cycle And then you spread it out You give like a three single And you eat that ass the whole time And then moan and groan And then all of a sudden you feel a different type of grease Coming out of that pussy

It's like a different type of Mabukia juice And it's making noises And you fucking And then you press the clip with your thumb Like a fucking savage You fucking turn it around and your whole hand is spinning They're going crazy

But you don't need to lick the asshole You lick the asshole, you do the spinning And then you take that leg and you fucking spin them violently And you pick up the one leg And you put it right here in your shoulder And you just stick your dick Fresh in your asshole Because it's nice and mabuked up from your tongue

No, you can't just stick it in there No, you can't There's consent I just had my tongue in your ass That's a hint No, that's very different from a dick I'm going with the tongue And then before I switch up in the tongue

I'm going to take my finger from up here And stick it in your asshole And if I can push it all the way back And feel connected It's smaller than your dick My finger is a lot smaller Yeah, but that's why I'm priming it I'm priming it, I'm warming up the joint

But what I'm doing is I'm putting the maluchia finger in your pussy I want my index finger to meet my pinky What the fuck is that maluchia finger? Maluchia finger is what Ronnie James Dio does Like this So if I could put My finger, my big finger in your asshole

And then my pinky in your pussy And touch them together deep When you have your finger In their asshole that deep The cave of death opens up And there's going to be like a smell of ass In the air The cave of death is the ass

Okay, once you have the cave of death open In the room and you're fingering them And it's going when you've got spit in your finger It does smell, you can smell The inside of that kidney You can smell deep in the kidney But you don't give a fuck because you're in love You're pleasuring your partner

She knows, so right there the asshole Is three quarters open Plus it's lubed with saliva The best lubed there is You flip them over and you keep that one leg by your ear You hook the fucking Arm in, you hook it in so the leg can't go nowhere And you got two ways to put your fucking

Kakuta in their little muffler While they play with their pussy in front of you Which Kate loves, you put it in their ass And they start playing with that monkey And you just pound on their fucking asshole And you reach over and grab the far shoulder To get momentum So everybody, oh yeah, oh yeah

You need to draw a diagram of whatever This is craziness, this is what fucking animals like Kate What you have to do to them I mean, I stopped letting guys put their Dick in my ass After you told me they wouldn't take me to dinner anymore Let me ask you this If a guy puts his, like

We're doing coke, we're coked up I got a fucking Viagra in me, the coke ain't the kick The gang thine, so I'm banging Kate And she's playing with her Malook stick Myself, right? Now I can't mix dicks and asshole No, you can't mix

So now I gotta pull it out and come in the mouth directly While she's playing with her pussy That's the party She don't give a fuck, she's a savage Do you think she's concerned about fecal matter? I would be She just got fucked to death Her insides feel like fucking

They threw a bottle at the Korean shot of missile in her pussy That's who it feels like right now She's sucking that dick like To get her oxygen back No, no, I don't And now she starts coming in while she's swallowing I don't want fecal matter In my mouth

But it's four in the morning and you're already in You're already like this y'all I don't do anal anymore You know the whole fucking deal I like a finger in there while you fuck me Maybe like, you know, I'm cool with that Which finger? Finger thumb, whatever

Which finger? A thumb A thumb is good And when you get the finger up their ass You know what the closure is? You hook it You hook the asshole with the finger You don't leave it in there straight

You're hooking too Whatever's in there And I pull you towards me From in your asshole I trim my fingernails So I pull you deep in Into the asshole And that hook is the whole thing

The finger in the ass is nothing It's when you curl your fingers And you scrape You ever hear two cats fucking And the mama cat's like That's because he's scraping that helmet I don't think I've heard two cats fucking Oh, it's terrible

You have like seven cats, you're a cat's fuck? No, you hear it outside In Israel there's hundreds of stray cats You hear it every night, it's terrible That's not what I think of When you come in that mouth And they finish playing with that pussy You mysteriously get your hand to their face

So they can smell their own pussy And their own asshole And women love all that shit It doesn't seem like they do, we have one here She didn't complain, she didn't say a word about it Listen, here's what I have to say This is the mindset you have to have I'm very careful to be

Sex ready to the point where If I shit during the day If I shit during the day I will like get back in the shower And make sure everything is clean In case I hook up And I will even like go so far as to like Clean up my butthole

Not for anal, cause I'm not doing that Until I'm like in love But for a finger Do you look asshole? If a guy wants me to I will But I will say I will make sure he's out of shower I'm not looking a guy shit, fuck that

I go in the shower, that's what I'm saying to you A piece of American goes in the shower Like if I expect a girl To suck my balls, my balls Are in bad shape You understand that So I gotta give them all the attention they can I go in the shower, I dry them off nice

Do you like a specific soap? Like a real intense soap? I got this creamy, I think I use like a luffa You luffa your balls? And I luffa, I have a little luffa And I luffa my asshole Because that hummus

Delivers around your asshole When you lick some of these assholes They can wipe all you want Put water around it, but barnacles Clean up the sides So you have to get those barnacles That's why I get the luffa And I stick like a quarter inch of finger

See she can even know about the barnacles I don't even trust her ass I clean up my ass with Summer Z The girls that fuck the most Clean their pussies the most The girls that fuck one guy a month Or one boyfriend

They have filthy fucking disgusting snatches I have fucked chick to the fuck A different guy every weekend That pussies have been marvelous Because they know it's apparatus They gotta keep it clean It's the chick you start dating They eat their ass in the morning

And it smells funky Because they take you for granted They don't like sex that much No you never But because I am really Horny I'm always ready So if the opportunity presents itself

I don't want to have to say no Because I know that I took a shit And didn't take a shower So I'm just always ready I went to a girls house after a spot And I took a shower there That's okay I've done that I was sweating the entire show

I recently hooked up with a guy This is a new one for me I hooked up with a guy And it was just okay But I knew we had potential for it to be amazing But I think he was just a little too drunk So he wasn't like as hard as he could have been And then

We ended up not hanging out again And it's been really bothering me Because it's the first time in my life A guy ever fucked me And didn't hit me up To do it again And now it's like I'm on a mission to fuck him again

Because I have to prove That it can be better Like I feel like it was mediocre Well it's like when you take that girl out the first time And you don't expect to have sex That's funny because I wrote a joke about that years ago About a particular girl That I saved money for

To take her out And I was going to be the perfect gentleman But the first night turned into a fuckfest Really? Like on the way home I was like fuck That's how rude I didn't flip her over I didn't lick her asshole

I didn't come in the mouth There were so many things I hadn't done So I hit her up This is when I'm 22, 23 I was a fucking animal and I had no manners In fact this is in Colorado And I called the girl back up And we went to a movie

Like after you fuck somebody Like there's two parts to you And she was a young man You really want to be romantic And do something with them But at the other time you want to take them home And fuck them to show them what you can really do Like you can bring notes this time

Eat her ass This time choka And I remember going out with her And I like stuck my foot in my mouth It was like dinner in a movie And it was one of those movies that just would not end You were dying And the whole time I'm fantasizing

And sucking the titties And eventually I went over there But it was humiliating Four hours of fucking nonsense For me You forget Like you were so hot In the moment that you forgot

To look at a pussy in the light or shit like that So it would force me to call them back That's how crazy I was At that age At that particular age I was that crazy When I was really young I was in love with a girl

I was brutally honestly in love With this girl My mother had died Something had happened And I thought this girl would save my life You've been in love with somebody And you think they're going to save your life That's how much in love I was

With this girl And I played this stupid game with her You know I played this stupid phone game with her Like I knew it I'm not that crazy But the girl held me up She held me up

And then she made a bad mistake One night we were having conversations She goes like somebody like you I would never ever hook up with you And I hadn't said nothing to her And my feelings got really fucking hurt Like here I was thinking I was making progress with the girl

You know she doesn't have a boyfriend She always breaks my balls But if I'm dating somebody And I was like okay You're telling me You're trying to tell me I'm not going to get you in bed

You got the wrong guy And I'm not even going to cause be you I'm going to do it straight up You know what I'm saying Like I'm going to prove it to you I'm going to prove to you That I'm going to fuck you while you're Fucking strong sober

It took me two years Kate But the reason it took me two years Was because I walked away from her And the first night We hooked up After I ate her pussy in the car And the whole thing after lobster fried the avalanche She broke down

I don't know 18 You know She broke down and she said that Those are the hardest years of her life When I wouldn't call her for six months at a time Like when I cut you off I cut you off Like I don't even pull a penny

I don't even bother I hate that shit When I was at that age At that age I had a motto I lost my mother By the age of 22 I had an adage in my life And the adage was If you loved me

You wouldn't do this to me Yeah And I took that for friends I took that adage For everything And I was told Even with a woman Like we would date for a few weeks

And they would do something crazy And I was out of there Because for years I stayed And I played the pussy girl So what you give a piece of pussy to somebody else You want me to come in your eyeball Nobody else is going to do that for the price you let me do it I take it to a hotel

I get a half a gram of coke and I come on your face And you scoop to come off your tits Because you want to cheat on me I'll cheat on you I had already gone through those levels But then came the level of If You really love me

This is not when we date we fall in love I'm talking about friendship If you really love me you wouldn't do this So that was a time period After I was like It was really bad after I got divorced But the first time you did something I didn't like

Gone Gone I'm the best at doing it Because I lost my mom and my dad So I know how to cut people out of my life It's weird because I can do it really easily I would do it to friends Now I do it to people but I have to do it

Like I was good like the first person I did it to was that girl We After that night that she told me she wasn't going to sleep with me I still remain kind of friends But you know my fucking feelings were Your feelings have been hurt So I was kind of cold to her

And then one night She came up to me Somewhere outside and said some shit to me Like I just stopped liking her For a while after she said that to me And I didn't know That it was bothering her

So she came up to me one night Went off on me And threw a cup of vodka in my face And But she didn't know when she left the iced tea That she was drinking She was drinking outside with her friends on the floor It was cold out

The iced tea was half cold And I walked up behind and I poured the iced tea on her head Oh my god I'll never forget her shrugging her shoulders Because that iced tea was cold And it was cold out You're going to throw a glass of vodka in my face I didn't say nothing

She was drunk so she just came up to me What is your problem lately? And she threw the fucking glass of vodka And I'm not staying hit by an old woman So I cut her off completely I cut her off for about a year Wow And then I had a birthday party

And she didn't make it And the next day she called me Like I didn't invite her But she called like nothing had happened We became friends And I kept her on a short leash She told me she was going to be somewhere Each other that wouldn't show up

Oh no I fucking knew So at 18 I already had it I already had this thing with this broad Yeah I'll see you at that bottom You and your girlfriends will be up there I'll see you That shit makes me crazy

I would do that twice a week She wasn't my girlfriend She wasn't my girlfriend, she wasn't nothing She wasn't my girlfriend She wasn't anything to me But We always had this little light We would go out to the same bar

We would both go to a comedy store You would go talk to Dane Cook And Joe Rogan And I would go talk to fucking You know Eliza And fucking Whitney Cummings And then I would talk to girls You would talk to guys

And throughout the end of the night We'd just be getting closer to each other So by two o'clock we would be back to back And she would ask me to light a cigarette And we'd talk and I saw you talking to that girl And here we weren't even dating Like there was nothing on paper We hadn't fucked

We hadn't even swapped spit Two years earlier And she was like that'll never happen again So I knew I had her So I was like fuck you bitch So I stopped showing up in different places I would tell you I'll be down there And then I stopped showing up

I stopped showing up With my friends And then I didn't care at all And people would come up to me like Bro she was looking for you at the bar last night And I'm like I got this bitch And then one day out of the blue She called me and she goes so

When are we gonna fucking stop fucking around And when are we gonna do this And I'm like I don't know It's up to you Depending on your behavior And I mean my metaphor lunch Didn't kiss her Anyway I gave her coke to hold for me

And her mother found it And she didn't tell her mother And her mother was like are you on coke And she's like no I'm holding her for a friend of mine She was cute, cool as shit She was cool as fuck And I had played her like a fiddle It took me four years to

After she told me she wasn't gonna sleep with me So what happened And then she asked me When are we gonna fucking Put this shit aside And then I had robbed a jewelry store That afternoon, like I spoke to her that morning

And that afternoon I told her I was to see her that night It was a Tuesday It was a Tuesday in like June, the beginning of June We had just gotten out of high school And on the walk home We went to kill burros to get a Cuban sandwich

Me, Ferney And two other dudes It was Ferney's birthday three days ago And I wished him a happy birthday And he said thank you That was good enough for me That put a smile on my face It was June of 82

And it was me, Ferney Stinky in the skin belly And we went to go burros And I'll never forget saying to them Hold on one second Let me see what's going on across the street And Michael, they were in the car We went to get food

And I walked across the street Didn't have a buzzer on the door I opened the door, walked into the jewelry store I had a football jersey on And that was fishnet So you could see my nipples and shit So I had a football shirt on That was knit fishnet

That's how buffed I was And from here it was like a regular white t-shirt And it had white numbers on it And the rest you could see was my stomach So the lady comes up to me And I go oh, she goes how can I help you And I go I want to look at wedding rings I was 18 years old

And in those days I would go in there And they would put the rings out for me Like 30 rings But I would look and whatever one Would have two rings and the same thing I would just take the ring And put it in my hand And I would put it in my socks

I was a kid I would have shorts on And one time I went in there and took two rings And I brought him to a friend of mine And he paid me for the diamonds Like 300 bucks or something That's where I am I'm standing in this jewelry store My buddies are in the car like waiting to go home

And the lady brings the tray of diamond rings And she turns it back She goes hold on I have to talk to another customer And the place was packed And I took the rings Put them under my shirt All of them? To go Jack

Oh my god And I walked out of this jewelry store Into the car and my friend is like what are you holding And they're like oh shit You fucking did it You crazy motherfucker So I went to Kurt DiLorenzo's house Got restless so in fact I'm going to

West Palm Beach this weekend And Louis Castellino's coming Saturday night And if Louis Castellino comes to the show On Saturday night if you're listening I'm going to pull him up on stage And I'm going to tell stories about me Having Kurt DiLorenzo look I'm getting emotional Just thinking about him because people are going to go

Holy shit I hung out with Louis from 1980 To 1984 1985 I knew Louis all my life But what me and Louis did together When we had the story about Kurt and John Crowley And how we hung out together once a week

It's going to kill that West Palm Beach Improv Like he says he's coming for the second show Or the first show on Saturday If he shows up ladies and gentlemen I'm going to stop my act I'm going to get a microphone And I'm bringing Louis Castellino up on stage

And I'm going to open up with the story About what we Me and him may believe that we didn't hear Sirens, a buddy of us We all took asses and we were walking home For the first time You were pretending not to hear When they were there because one of your friends

My friend kept saying You guys hear that fucking siren And you could hear it It was loud as fuck I look at Louis like what it looked like And Louis is like I don't hear no siren And I'm like I don't hear no siren either The guy is like come on you hear a siren

I can't be tripping that hard on the ass Me and Louis look at each other like bro You are tripping that hard on the ass And I just told the story There was a puddle on the floor There was a pothole with like three inches Of rain water And the kid looked at us and we kept saying

We were there no fucking And he bent over and he started throwing puddle water Shut up He just ran away Wait wait I want to know About the jewelry store Don't they have cameras? This is 1983 they did have a camera

Because of this incident These people didn't even have a buzzer On the door at the time It's insane So this is June of 82 I had robbed them over the last Two years maybe ten times Single digit things

A bracelet A little fucking thing And That time before Now listen to this Before I robbed the jewelry that day But when I was looking at the wedding bands I looked over on the counter

And there's this circle thing The thing that you spin around And it had gold chains in it And on the bottom it had gold bracelets And I remember looking at it going That's next And I took the rings, put it under my shirt And I got in the car with those four savages

I told them to take me to Chris D's house The fish man And I go fish you got to get rid of these For me and he got me I think it was 600 a piece for him It was 6000 a piece It was a ton of fucking loot

I think I cleared 12,000 something like that It was something weird I gave him a thousand for making the deal Because they couldn't be traced back And we went on a tear And that chick was waiting for me And at the time we were buying coke

From this dude named Mr. McGrath He used to smoke camel cigarettes We used to call him the camel Camel breath because he would smoke camel no filters And his mustache was red And his fingers were red And he would sell you the coke already in a bottle Without the spoon on it

So he would sell you the coke already in a bottle He was the only guy that didn't sell bendels Everybody else had a bendel He sold you out of the little spoons So I called that girl about six And I go Doug I didn't tell her what I had done She wasn't part of that world

She didn't know that we were a bunch of fucking criminals And I said I'll meet you at the bar In about 10, 10, 30 In fact I'm going to go In those days that kid Louis Castellino His street name was Digger And we used to hang out at a pizza place Named Roma Pizza

Next to it was like a business But at night it was closed and it had stairs And we could sit there On that wall until maybe 20 years ago He fucking went up there one night And wrote Digger On the wall So when we were sitting there it said Digger

And this is summer of 82 I got to meet this broad And I went and bought 10 of those little vials And me and my buddy sat On Kennedy Boulevard And we bought our fucking case of nips Which is eight six packs We hit them to the side

So the cops wouldn't pull over And we just sat there on the steps Doing blowout of the things drinking beer And I popped a couple of vials and I blacked out And I didn't meet her Which drove her even more crazy I woke up blacked out I woke up blacked out

I was at home like one of Cosby's victims I had to sit up and think about What happened right before I remember sitting on the stairs I started eating pills and snorting coke I woke up I still had like 9,000 cash And I still had like Two coke vials and I called her right up

And she's like What happened to you last night Jesus Christ And I go we got fucked up with these guys And this took all week And then I was supposed to meet her again Wednesday it was ladies night At this bar that we used to go to So what you did was you gave a broad 20 bucks

It was 50 cent drinks Oh so they'd buy your drinks Yeah you gave them 20 and said Go put it started to happen Just buy me a bucket So fucking crazy man And I was supposed to meet her again Bam again I went to Jersey City

Got a package Went to some strip club and I didn't meet her again Oh my I would have murdered her And listen to me guys I was brutally in love with her Like my whole day Was thinking about us having kids Like I'm not shit nobody I was

So heartbroken from my mom's death And I was yearning such a family That I actually thought I was gonna Marry her and have kids and you know I was a fucking common thief I had quit high school This girl had a great family Her family was going oh they all went to college

They had a family business In the fucking area And it was It was just fucking crazy You know what's crazy about that story That guy that we were talking about earlier That you said we've been going on for five years With this bullshit

When I first first met that guy I was so in love with him Right in love But I had never done drugs When I met him ever Yeah I didn't ever try cocaine till I was like 32 or something I met him when I was like 31

So he would do that shit to me Where like we would go out And I was like I felt like he was so in love With me but then half the time He would just blow me off and not answer And not show up and no guy had ever done that to me And it would make me fucking insane Like so crazy

But years later I always assumed he was sleeping with a whole bunch of other chicks And that was why I'm like oh this guy's just Fucking a bunch of girls Later When I learned about drugs I realized oh Once he starts partying getting fucked up

I'm not gonna hear from him He would do blackout shit Like he would send me photos the next day of him In like a freezer at 7-Eleven Like you know stupid naked or something So now in hindsight I'm like Oh I don't think that he was fucking a bunch of people It said he was always high

That's what would happen When I went out with my friends in those days No matter how good looking we were I got to look you in the face Look you in the eyes and tell you this We did not go out to pick up pussy That was the least of our problems Fucked up

We didn't want to talk We wanted to nod on fucking ludes We would get Our goal was to get Fucked up wasted Whatever you call it Wacked Lots of guys do

I was never like that Even now if I go I went to Danville's Aryans party a couple weeks ago Which was like a huge party People go to get fucked up Party a little but like I go to meet people and like I didn't want to meet, I didn't want to talk to nobody

I don't want nobody on that table I don't want nobody that belongs there on that table We would go out to get Fucked up And if a girl dead to come into our lair We would Say a couple things to her And if she wasn't on board

We'd stick Pelleon And Pelle would say something to her Horrible when the girl would just walk away He had no He had no remorse for anything So if a girl did come into our lair And talk to us We would tell them right off the bat

Listen Where's that piece of ass you were talking about And they would look at us like Pelleon told them to take a hike Because I had a buddy who was Indian and Italian Very good looking blue eyed brown head But whenever he would drink That's how he would pick up girls

See there's two approaches to pick up women There's the nice approach And from him I learned that there was No nonsense approach He would just look you straight in the face You have nothing going on You're going to sit at this bar with these fucking losers Really

You got two bottles of Dom Perignon Let's go back to my place I'll stick a coke rock up your pussy A woman would freeze Like they would just lose their inhibitions And go okay And he would go tab whatever Before the girl even knew what she was doing

She was in the car going to suck dick It was too late to get out It was too late He would talk them right into it Like Kate You're up here at the store You're wasting your time Go do a bump in this and come back

I got an eight ball in this to set the house We'll start with the house, go get a bikini Come back to my house with Jacuzzi I'll eat your ass home Get this party started Like I remember seeing him one time Pull a piece of ass at the beach

A piece of ass At the beach Took her under the fucking tunnel Fucked her and they came back like nothing happened Like he just met her at the beach At the beach in front of me Two minutes talk to her I can't imagine that

Next thing you know they went up They were holding hands They went in the water They went that way Then they came back on the way home I fucked the shit out of her under the fucking bridge No kind of straight cock This is 82 before

I've never been able to do that He was fucking people straight up Straight up gangsta And coke is that big of a deal for some women? Like they'll be like It makes you horny Give me a credit card Every license on you

When I first moved to Aspen in 84 The cocaine How do you get a girl in Aspen? Make this noise I mean It still works at some parties It makes her coming over to your house A lot easier

Like nothing happened You don't have to ask twice You just say that I'm sorry, just go listen I got a grandma blow at the house I love those pants on you You pay for your tab Because the first person who speaks loses Don't even let her talk

Just pay, go through the motions And turn your back Most people follow you Because I don't like to have sex too high So if I do too much, I don't want to do it We're not going to really tell you about the sex We're going to feel it out first Try to lure you back with the coke

And the quail lutes and another broad is coming over Another broad is coming over That's either half a biscuit What the fuck What was a fucking magician Who was a wick in Who's a rabbit out of a hat You're like coming all over yourself

We've got it together But actually that guy Okay that guy managed to seduce me In a way that no guy ever has And it worked so well And now in hindsight I'm like I probably was retarded And it was like clearly game

But this was his whole thing His whole thing was Dude, I've never done any of this. I never like every time you would touch me like he touched my light and go I'm sorry. I'm touching you. I didn't even I is that okay? Is that he kept asking permission and acting awkward? Kind of like how Lee is Yeah, but then like he kept on like he get a little closer and then he kind of cuddle me And then before I knew it He was like, is it okay if I just feel your ass and I was like, yeah

You don't have to keep asking like you're harmless like he was making me almost feel like God He's never done anything like I need to like let this guy have some fun Like he seems kind of nerdy to the point where he even said to me. You're not gonna believe I fell for this He said he's never felt fake boobs. This is a rock star. He said I've never felt I've never felt fake boobs Do they feel normal and I was like, do you want to touch them? Like I seriously believed everything great thing about this town is What there's only one of the town that equals to disgust and the level of men Like this town it's Washington Oh politicians like when me and the stripper broke up. We remained friends

We really remained friends like we there was a bumpy period there for a few minutes That was awkward and then why it was funny because she showed up at the improv. She was I really miss watching you do comedy Do you mind if I bring a date? And one time her and I had gotten into an argument and she pushed me and I pushed her back and I got arrested for assault. Oh Shit, and I never forget that she showed up with this guy that was steroid it out to the gills And Josh Wolf was staying the next to me and I look at Josh Wolf when I go If she thinks I beat the fuck out of it though, this fucking Tarzan But I saw

What happened to her and she was a really pretty girl I Met her when she was 25 and we moved here when she was 28 at her peak And she was a sexual deviant like she lived to be a sexual deviant You know she she would call me and tell me her pussy was Bombay and all that fucking lingo shit Which drives me crazy, you know, what does that even mean? I don't know if I get that she would die a head blonde and she would die a pussy head blonde I'm put a little streak for me with a fucking What's her? What's what's when you go bam? What are you a lightning bolt exclamation point exclamation point?

It's on a pussy and dying blondes. I mean she was crazy. This is what she did She grew up in a cult. She was abused as a child. This is the result One thing I know about her was and this is why I Did get upset about the video and I did get upset about the nonsense with Vinny Because the duration If it chicks that play in that world It's not a good longevity. It's like they say a running back has three years in his career You can't play this game for a long time. Yeah, no, you're right

I'm not mad at you and I'm not here to judge you or put you down But I care about you and love you that now I was very disappointed because The percentage of women at this town eats up and spits out it's amazing Do not want you to be wrong me neither You don't need half of these good dudes that you've dated since we've been friends They're pure garbage. I Mean they're not even there's not even a little bit of classroom except for the guy that you did that stuff to I really like him You do. Yeah, there's something about him. He's a respectful young man. That's why I told you don't play with him

Yeah, you know Two things happen this last week and things happen in life that people understand, you know, I was watching the Nicole Simpson OJ Simpson And I tell you and I tell Lee and I tell the people listen to this podcast every day I want you to know the animal you're messing with Before you go to that next move before you go to that bar or that function. He was so cool He worked any I don't play none of that shit. Yeah, I want you to size up the person you're dealing with So when they do slice your neck, you don't sit there and go, I can't believe he sliced your neck

Yeah, you know this weekend kind of McGregor got fucked up by Kabebe Come make a mega loss. Yeah, you know that animal existed. Yeah, when he lay there at the end of that fight He didn't know that type of animal existed and you feel bad and it happens to you Every eight weeks that you don't know how Not often, you know two months ago You were guys house and swimming and having a pool party and he was engaged don't know the chick for eight years You know, you have to fill that was a year ago or whatever it happened. You're like worse than Lee I haven't got one I know he is I know and then the Agostino don't I take exact when it was

I think I'm getting better at it. What I try to say is the longevity of that shit for that one those those women in this town When I went to Vegas this last time I saw somebody who I was dear friends with in this town here And she's still beautiful. She's still hot But I could see the PTSD that this town did there. I Don't want that to happen to you either. You're a great comic. Thank you I'm not talking about and I don't classify you as all you're a great woman comic No, you're a great comic and you're getting to a precipice like like Bobby Lee like myself like see how we're always at a precipice

You know, it's time for you to you know, I know find the steady piece of ass. I Don't even care right now. Nobody ever cares, but that I was not mad at you or nothing I was just disappointed because Where I'm coming from is that it's like if you met me 15 years ago, you'd be disappointed with me Yeah, you go Joe. You're killing at the store on a regular basis. You're still doing coke. Yeah, you know It took somebody on their deathbed to tell me to call me out and go. Amen. You got to stop Yeah, you know, and that's it. You know, like I said to you Embarrassing I know you eat those fucking speed pills. I really don't take those much. I could tell when I don't weeding

How good is that? I could tell when you tweet not at all I don't take it much at all me to wake up in the middle of night and see you tweeting and talking nonsense I always tweet all night. No, you miss this shit that you say some nights and some nights You say crazy shit and I could tell it usually depends on what's going on in my in your head Personally in your head. Yeah, you type it out. I've been trying not to tweet at night though But you know, like I I do know what you mean and I think I think I'm getting better But I'm also like really really trying to work on myself because I have a pattern with guys and at some point you go Okay, it's not all them. It's your choice. You're picking these guys and even the lat even the musician

Like I really thought I picked a good one need turn out to be it's just I need to pay attention to the first red flag and like walk away and and also though like I Think I use guys as a form of cutting. I really do I think sometimes in some ways like it's a form of self-sabotage like when everything is going great in my life Things are too good. It's like I'm not used to that. So then I need a little Drama and then there's always some dude that's like hurting my it's it sounds crazy But I always say like I cut with dick like I pick guys that hurt me But I don't mean to but I always do so I'm really trying not to you know self hate and

Pain is a fucked up thing, you know One of the things I used to do when I used to do cocos look at my face. You see the scars I would feel worms inside my face And I would take a tweezer and just pick in my face Until the worms inside my face would come out That's a form of pain, you know when I did drugs. I didn't do drugs to be cool I did drugs because I was really in pain and the hatred like I've said a thousand times I wouldn't even look at the mirror when I was on coke. I would pee and wash my hands and avoid looking at myself

self-hate self-pain, you know women use it by being promiscuous Women have a thousand weapons. They do some of us cuddies. I'm themselves some of us made bad choices For me it was lashing out at the world and doing drugs and robbing people and not having no Like wanting to die Like putting myself in situations where I really don't care if I die I don't really want to be on this planet anyway I just want the balls to board to pull aboard a thing to get aboard Dane starter kit I love the balls to fucking do it, but so I'll do other things to demolish me, you know

Life is a weird thing and the behavior we have to recognize it and we don't we don't while it's going on We don't recognize it for years later I mean the thing the thing that's weird with me is like I really don't I really like me Like I feel like I like me like I know my flaws But I also know like my good qualities and I know I really do people say I learned to love yourself No, I really do love myself. I just I'm I think that I'm finally getting to a point though where I'm happy alone And I think that's what it is I think for so long like I needed someone to feel whole and now I'm finally like like right now. I'm like I

Love being by myself. I was never like that like when I went up to San Jose recently I rented a car. I went by myself for the weekend I like drove out to the coast and I like pretty much didn't even talk to anybody other than the shows and it was the First time I ever did that was like happy. Not lonely comfortable. I've never been there, you know I'm in my mid 30s. It took me till now to feel okay by myself So I think that's changing it So like with the last guy even though I really liked him like when I saw you know that it was gonna be awful I cut it off and I haven't gone like try to go back which is different for me

I'm after the stripper. It took me two years to get a girlfriend not because I couldn't get a girlfriend Just because I was so in love with comedy So I didn't want to go through that Shit again Well, there's something to that too because I just went out with a guy who's a perfect catch You would love who's amazing and was super into me, but the truth was I Kept choosing work over him every time every time and I realized like probably part of the reason I date the piece of shit guys is cuz I know in my head. It doesn't really matter

comedies first, but like My career really is first right now like that's it. That's all I really care about and then even fucking I don't I haven't even had sex in so long. You just said you hooked up two nights ago. You fucking dirty No, I didn't I didn't say two nights ago. I said the last guy, but like it wasn't three nights ago It was a little while ago dirty bitch. I think the last guy was the magic guy So, you know, it's funny that I Told what 30th my special comes out. Yeah I wanted you to open not open be my guest

Star in New York So we're gonna kick off the New York comedy festival Thursday, November 8th two shows the 9th and two shows in the 10th So yeah, the part of this tour what I'm doing is I want to take people who have come on the podcast Who are fucking, you know starting the headline? Yeah, who could probably get a hundred people to show on their own And get exposed to bigger people make the shows that much better. So I'm gonna have like George Perez in Cleveland. Yeah George that's always a fucking thrill. Yeah, I'm taking lead or dirty black room for me

Make him do 45 Uncle Joey's training service The guy called me and offered me the room and I go, yeah, I haven't done a black room Where is it somewhere down in Compton? I go, can I bring Lee with me? It's like I love Lee I go lovely do 15. Hell. Yeah, no, I'm gonna cancel the night up and suddenly down to Compton by That would be so fun man. I get to keep the check What chick wouldn't that have to be a check? There's no check. You know, it's a black room There's a lot of hugs and maybe a drink ticket

That's a black room Jack They don't pay they give me a lot of hot dog Your shit was tight shit. I love they hug you or they crinkle up five-dollar singles It feels like a 50 with a drink ticket, you don't know nothing till you get out in the car You go in the pool and you're like, I don't want to drink on that. You want in the car. You're like five hours. Fuck You're already in the car Compton, I wonder where it is. I'll never forget years ago about Ten years ago, I was still doing coke and some guy called me. He was like a beat promoter around town

And he goes, hey man, where are you tonight? I got a big room. I got a big shot and I need a headliner And I go right and I made the mistake. I thought he always paid me a hundred bucks. Yeah, the headline So he said it's a big show. I figured it'd be like 200 bucks and stuff like that And I'm not forget getting the money and putting it in my pocket and walking out to the car It was $60 and I fucking put that car in park and I walked back and I pulled beside my dog Everybody in here paid fucking ten bucks. Yeah There's 300 people in here. You better give me fucking some more money He looked me in the face. He goes if I give you another dollar, I'm never gonna book you again

I go give me 200 more dollars and never I lose my fucking number. What the fuck? Why would he show you fuck cuz there's people there was a ton of them that were running game out here for a while That thought everything was settled by a handshake. What's up, dog? That was a great set, bro You're making two thousand at the door. Yeah, you got a break something off for somebody here. You got a gas Yeah, come on a fucking nacho platter make an effort. All right, if you don't want to give me money, that's fine But at least have a case of beer back here for the comics. Yes, not okay. No, it's not okay There's a club out here that I that doesn't pay features that I worked an entire weekend at At the end of the weekend, I was like, where's my check and they're like, oh, we don't pay features people want stage time

And I was like what the fuck it was like six shows or something driving back and forth Orange County. I was like, no, you know, I Took a look around for a while. What was going on in the young scene from on the young comic scene I got to see I got to tell you something was really upset like I went through some shit in New York New York was rough when I was back there. Yes old tickets Yeah, bring people and I thank God I had friends that would come to the shows and stuff, you know for friends But it's abuse. It's borderline abuse. That's why I left New York the county scene And then I'm going to Colorado because all the comics had their own rooms with a budget And they give you 20 bucks fuck 20 bucks is better than anything. Yeah, give me 10 minutes of stage time when you had eight minutes, you know

But I see how rough it is, you know in these areas this New York in the bigger markets You go to a smaller market, you know, there's no for fucking bringing right no five hours for five fucking minutes No, there's none of that shit like San Diego. You can get up I remember when I started I would go down to San Diego sometimes because I could do like four shows in a night Like you there's so much time down there. Yeah, it used to be great. Yeah There was a room down there that the Agostino called me a few weeks ago used to be called the comedy Palace It's still there. Oh, yeah, I just did it with Sam Tripoli and Jim Florenti the comedy power. Yeah They still you know the old owner the old guy that booked it. Yeah, you stay outside with a bucket

No, and do what I did it one weekend. I almost killed myself. Wait, what do you with a bucket and collect money? What are you doing? No, we didn't know I've never done that. I've done that room It was embarrassing thing in the world. Oh, no No, I was such a drug junkie that I needed the money he called me up He's like you could probably make about a six or seven hundred. We break it up amongst the comics You're a name. You've been in the longest year. I said, okay At the end of the show, you have to stand outside with a bucket and shake everybody's hand They put money in the oh god

You like salvation army Humiliation no one. Oh, I don't even like to sell merch. I don't like to pedal No, no, no, listen, I don't like none of that shit. I know the show Talking to people after what if I could come on in between shows sometimes both shows are sold out Yeah, the club is like listen, you can't come on in between shows. Yeah was too much of a fucking nightmare out there So that's crazy, but I it's always Fucking great to see you. I can't believe it was this long. I haven't seen you in like two weeks I I think it's been even long. I feel like I haven't really talked to you in like a month

I've been a podcast in a while. Oh, yeah, but I mean, I don't think I've seen you really and it's been a minute I don't you know listen The time I have now is I Love doing comedy, but I like doing five spots when I'm in town for the week So tonight I'll get back if I could do if I'm if I'm home for the week I'll do five spots. I'll do two Thursday to two Tuesday and one Saturday early 9 15 And I'm back over the thing tonight. I'll shoot down there early. Are you going to store? Yeah I got a 10 15 and I'll jump on Sam Tripoli's

comedy and Thursday, I'm off the fucking for a lot of their West Palm Beach improv Yeah, and then I'm two weeks from now. I'm going to hilarious in Cleveland. Now. You're doing the Cleveland comedy festival Oh, I am at November 17th, but the weekend you're in Cleveland the last weekend of October I'm at the comic strip in Edmonton like October 24th to the 20 now What is the Cleveland comedy fest November 17? Where? Oh, it's at Playhouse Square. It's like the theaters I think my shows and like the Allen Theatre it's me and

Rick Glassman, it's two of us. I think really yeah, I think he's from Ohio also I think it's like a hometown Local comics. Well, I think there's other shows with other comics, but I think ours is just there's probably host or something But I think it's just the two of us on that one We'll be fun and then and then with you and then I got a bunch of dates coming Yeah, that New York comedy festival before it's gonna be so a lot of people show up a lot of people from the other shows Oh, yeah, come on. We just hang out in the green room. Yeah, and then it's there'll be a lot of fun You'll get to meet Timmy Holloway and fucking I'm so excited to meet your friends. Yeah

I got a fucking email like I can't wait to see Kate. It's gonna be hard to focus. I want to fuck her so bad Like to some random fucking email God, it'll be fine. Don't New York is ready for fucking cake quickly We're gonna have so much fun. Oh, November 8 from the 10th. I'm gonna take you to Rudy's Bards feasts with spaghetti, you don't like spaghetti. Yeah, I can't well I can't actually I have to eat gluten-free pasta. What about seafood? You like see? Yeah Oh, this is to see if we're gonna change dragon in for some nice Chinese food I like Chinese food. I'm gonna turn you on to the best Cuban joint edge water And that's it run and then a slice of pizza from down the block from Gotham. I'm so excited

It's gonna be 545 right back to LA to get here at 9 in the morning on Sunday morning. Nobody even knows you're gone I love that doesn't even matter jet blue like I love jet. I love the fuck. It's the best Oh, I wish I could only fly jet blue. Oh, I'm flying them again this this Thursday before a lot of Dale Of course, you are I upgraded to mint like a doctor Give a fuck about Wednesday night. I know you're so lucky man jet blue. That's like a whole bet You get a king-size bed in the front. It's the best. Yeah, you see the fucking the menu I had last time And I got upgraded I paid like the extra 120. I bought a cheap seat. I got upgraded

You're so funny. Was that the one when dice was on the plate with us? No, that was that one that time I got upgraded to you always get upgraded, you know me dog I know how to play these bitches. I mean, I can't wait. I can't deal with the fucking Cuban. Look at the menu on The way that to Tuscan kale salad crab avocado rose Ricotta dumplings black garlic chicken and pork adobo if you're Filipino and on the way back We had fresh fruit. I saw you yogurt parfait Grilled and chilled avocado plum clifatis. I didn't have that Clifatis looks like a fucking plum clit

And they had that potato risotto, but poached egg ham cheddar Amarillo Alioli and poblano fucking feta cheese. Are you fucking this is jet-blue on my flat? I got cheese. It's this is the first thing he showed me at the airport last night. I frozen chicken nuggets I didn't even heat them up because I was lazy and hungry eat frozen chicken. They're not really that frozen You can like suck on them. This is how I eat. I'm so lazy. I eat like cans of tuna and frozen vegetables I just don't care when I'm alone I'm like I eat like the way people put gas in a car like it's not about the food

No, it's just frozen chicken nuggets in there. Yeah, but I mean you you sometimes put the cheap gas You don't always put the premium. Yeah, but you can't even microwave them. Yeah, but I was really hungry It was like 3 a.m. And I and I had done a spray of the weed stuff. Oh my god, Joey's friend Deborah hooked me up with this weed Banaca THC spray that you spray in your mouth. Have you tried it yet, Lee? I've tried other ones I don't think I've tried that one. I'm gonna tell you something By the way, she's gonna get this late The night was Deborah Hupps's birthday. So I want to wish her a big time. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, Deborah Thank you for the weed spray. She is a fucking the real deal. She's a great lady. She's awesome

She's great on the fucking church board. She was great at the thing. We saw her when we went to eat lunch And she was already having a party. We were smoking pot outside me Lee was watching the Steve Simone and we saw her and she already looked cute and ever. She's so cool Man, I had a pint of blackberry brandy. She goes, I'll see you later We Facebook back and forth and I didn't hear from her for a couple of hours And then I went up to my room when I looked on Facebook. I didn't see her afterward. I didn't see the girl afterward She fucking Facebook me. I thought I got so high I fell asleep past out

Make it to your show Well, that's how cool Deborah. Oh, she showed up at my show in Connecticut at the casino And she brought me this weed spray and I'm telling you it changed my life like I spray gave me a tube for you It's just in my bag and I forgot to take it out. She told me she mailed me one, too Like I got six hits of acid for Lee I let I put them in with batteries in case TSA pulled me over that little pieces of blotter acid So it's got the acid from the batteries sink into it. No, oh We're gonna do them next week. I gave him a bio call TSA and he's got a bio

Anonymative that's insane. I've never done acid. I got a liquid acid, too And I took a little dot of it the night before the Conor McGregor fight. I didn't yes I didn't I gave something I gave the tube to the guy from jiu-jitsu. You're crazy, Joey I don't fuck around. I know I'm scared of all that. That's why you're so fired up that night Sure, I was fired up. My friends are like, let's do ayahuasca. Are you busy on October 15th? And I'm like where they want you to do that I don't know they all want to go out and some like into the woods or some shit I'm like who plans their drug use ahead like I hate that shit. That's all I'm planning it. I'm not doing I'm look

I'm boring. I mean, I'll do a little, you know party every once in a while drink a little. I'm not doing crazy drugs I'm terrified. I'm already crazy sober I don't need to add in acid and mushrooms and ayahuasca. I don't even know I told the audience in Boston I stopped doing other bulls. They booed me You stopped to eating at a one but I didn't know that months ago Why don't openly ate it though? I took a half a bite of it Went in Rome. You got to get down Lee. I'm proud of you You know, it wasn't it wasn't like an addiction thing. It was I know I'm the type of guy like to evolve

Sure, I had to catch people up. You know, I was walking out of the house with a backwards sweatshirt on My wife looked at me. She was you know, by the way, I go to the death. I like it like that I get a reaction from people I've been doing that since 1981. I've seen you with it inside out before I'm crazy drives people crazy. I just never say people cannot handle that shit at all. So funny who cares To finish the conversation from earlier That was the first time in my life. I learned something like I took like I was so frustrated with my love for that girl I was like, I'm done with this bitch like I'm walking away and I fought it

I took acid every night and cried. I was in love with her and I fought it and when she put it on me I was like, no, you're not gonna get it And then that went so that Tuesday I was supposed to meet it and that Wednesday I was supposed to meet it Blew her off right then Thursday. She was like, I'm going out, but I'm not drinking. I'm hungover from the weekend So I met her that night. She gave me my coke back and I walked it to the car and I go How about dinner tomorrow night? And we went out to dinner and then after dinner we went to some fucking parking lot We were swapping spit and I just started eating her monkey. It was delicious. She had topping powder on it I ate it and then after I finished we didn't fucking nothing. She that's when she broke down

And she goes all those nights. She wouldn't call me would drive me fucking crazy when you wouldn't talk to me And I learned the big part about women and men that you can't Always be there once you pull away and drives them crazy their insecurities come out It is interesting because I have had a few guy friends over the years that I'm really close to and at some point I know they have feelings and if I don't and I let them know yeah, sometimes they get but hurt like or upset the way you kind of didn't they pull away and It's hard man because it's like you care about the person. They're your friend and you don't want to lose them But it's also like it and it is even weird when they start to date someone else

And you see them giving that affection to someone else even though you don't want it. You're like, oh, they're not They're for me anymore. It's a weird thing, but all those guys eventually I've become friends with again But it's never the same when they come back It's never the same level of friendship like they're always a little more like but it also teaches you less It teaches you a lesson about men that You can't if you don't give them what they want now, they don't give you what you need That's the problem that we've had here. That's the problem that we have. Yeah Men do hold that against you. I've been guilty also when I was younger

Yeah, when I didn't know any better before the age of 30 when you're a stupid and you're just finding out, you know there was a time when I Would just Like the story about the girl I dated and she told me she didn't have a mother and I just stopped talking to her Right, you know like all that shit like I think about that today I'm like, oh, why did I do those things? You know because you're young and stupid you grow You know last week when you came in you had a conversation that was very interesting Because from a female perspective, I have a daughter and if you look at my roster of friends, I

Have I am Heavy friends with women as much as I am with men Yeah, I talked to maybe six women from Jersey on an occasional every other day type and work brother and sister Yeah, there's one girl that we did sleep together. We remained Solid like I don't even think about that. It was just a mistake on our part. We were always better off friends You know the the thing with this guy last week, you know that was going on Listen, a lot of shit could happen when you're in high school, you know, as long as I didn't put my dick in your ass and gang rape you or whatever It would you know, I don't know if it was I don't know much about politics

I don't know if it was a smokescreen by the Democrats or whatever the fuck was but I'm happy that it worked out how it did Because you can't use my behavior against me when I was 18 against me We can't have that happening Yeah, we all make fucking mistakes when you're a kid that you don't know about if you want to rape somebody Yeah, we need to know that. Yeah, but you know, I read something a story one time 15 years ago, it had to be even longer because it influenced me turning myself in I Read about a guy that went on a date in 1950

With some chick and something happened and they both got drunk and he bit her Okay in the neck like a vampire And she almost died and he was one he was wanted for assault in 1952 Well, guess what? That guy stayed off the radar for 40 fucking years something crazy I'm the timing I got arrested in 87. Yeah, so it had to happen I read the story a year before I got in trouble And he had gotten caught like in 86, but the crime was done like in 1948 or something

He had been off the grid. He had a wife Children he was part of the fucking faculty at the school. He was this big timer Yeah, but he got into a car accident when they took him to the hospital to the background check Then they fingerprinted him and he was the guy wanted For biting this fucking woman in the neck when he was 17 years old Holy shit, and if it was I don't remember what state it was in or whatever But it was somewhere in the Midwest because it was very small-minded. Yeah, but The his attorney argued that think about it. He did this

But then for 40 years He never did anything else. So where there's smoke. There's fire. There's DNA testing They couldn't figure it out The point is he didn't continue to do it. Yeah, you know, we made a mistake when we're 17 16 18 at a party You put your dick in some girls mouth when she's sleeping. She's 14. She's passed out. You know, we've all fucking done Shit, we cannot live in a country Where we I'm responsible for what I do today yesterday and the day before I Can't be responsible for something I did when I was under 18 18 then he went to yell what kind of people go to yell

What kind of people go to yell? Smart people rich smart and uppity. Yeah guys who think They could fuck you when you passed out. Yeah, and their dad's gonna buy him off. You know, I'm saying he didn't appear that way to me Yeah, it's really weird it's so weird like I posted something about it But it's super weird for me as a woman especially because I feel Sometimes pressure even from my girlfriends, you know, all my girlfriends like Kate I don't like what you posted about saying you don't know who's right and you should automatically Support the victims and the thing is it's like well two things. I'm not saying that I think Kavanaugh is a good guy

Obviously, but like they asked him. Have you ever been blackout drunk? He has to say no because if he says I have been blackout drunk then It's you don't know what you did but everyone has been blackout drunk anyone who drank in high school or college has been blackout drunk and I know girls like people Sometimes victims wait to come forward like I have a family member who's like I was Victimized as a child and I'm just now coming forward and there's here's the reasons and it's like traumatizing and you're like holy fuck This changes my whole view of all these people in my family and I understand the reason to wait in some ways But then at the same time, it's like

There's There's also people that lie. There's women that lie. There's women that say they're pregnant sometimes when they're not Listen, how many people could give you an accurate account of what happened 30 years ago? Yeah, accurate, you know what you know who gives you an accurate account of victim that lived through it a victim remembers everything That's something that sticks out in my mind. Yeah, but I think about once a week I saw I saw a woman get beat like a dog. I Saw a woman get beat. I didn't see her get beat I saw the result when she came to my house and

When my mom had a wrapper up with a towel and they had to put cigarettes the husband was putting cigarettes on her I mean, it was just a fucking horror show, but you remember it I remember every minute from that night. I can sit there with you go to a psychotherapist Somebody to hypnotize you put the five people in that room and describe What I was feeling, you know, it was two nights after Christmas. Yeah, you know, there was this joy in the air You could smell people burning wood and their fireplaces in Jersey You know, I still remember all those smells and I still remember like about just being up like I had no school Like what were the chances of me being up at two in the morning? No, yeah, I'm having no school and all sudden hearing like

Like people banging like how you let me help me help me and I'm like looking around and also my mother's like opening the door She's putting a bathrobe on and she's like what the fuck was that? I don't know somebody's in the door. My mother was like step back. I'm gonna look out the door She's like Jesus Christ get a knife and it was this lady like hunched over like in a fetal position I keep she kept saying he's gonna kill me. He's gonna kill me We had a fucking pick her up and drag her in and she was half naked like she had a hot body I remember being like a kid going damn look at those titties But she had blood coming out of everywhere. Her face was smashed and

Then one got up my stepdad got up and he said what the fuck is going Jesus Christ closed the fucking door and as he was saying that we could hear the husband Walking up the block with something a knife in his hand saying don't let that bull die Why are you fucking whore? I'm gonna fucking finish you off And I remember my dad looking at me like looking at my mom and running upstairs and coming out with a gun and going Don't move another fucking step We were thinking about calling the cops but in my house we didn't call the cops

So my mother just took the lady and bandaged her up and I stormed him like like wiping her and seeing the rag Full up with blood and that stayed with me Start you remember like I still want to cry like I remember wiping her and crying going I hope this never happens to my mother. I hope this never happens to a woman when they healed her up My mom and dad had a put McCuricrome on all the cigarette burns She must have had ten cigarette burns on her fucking chest and her back. It was just So from that lesson on I always learned that

You're gonna have misunderstandings with a woman, but you can't raise your hand No, I learned that night That night I learned that lesson at the age of 12 or 13 or whatever I was there That's crazy, but that was the 70s and 60s You know, you gotta remember oj brought it to light in 85 before then I could smack you in the face You could smack me with a lantern the cops come they might make me go to Lee's house for the night Yeah, I mean that that's the thing is like lately since I've been Trying to do like work on myself. I've been talking to my family and stuff and there's like stuff that I'm finding out that

I don't remember though because sometimes you do block out trauma, you know, and then I Don't know. I mean the whole thing is just it's a really weird We're living in a really scary time in a weird time where people Can be penalized for things they did when they were in high school, but then at the same time it's like That is horrific and the guy that did that to that woman like if he if 30 years later We find out he did that it's he was still a monster and he should be Accountable so it's just But it's also like I've thought about that guy many a night. What happened to them. Do you know?

She moved She Waited till the next day or something And I think my mother went over there and got some of her clothes and then when he was at work She packed up and moved to the Bronx with a sister or cousin or Something and then I saw him For maybe another four months and I had told everybody in my neighborhood what I had seen like this guy is not a good guy Yeah, he lived on the bottom of giving on terrorists. He didn't have any kids

You know, I would just see him out there work on the fucking cars all the time And every time he seemed me he gave me a look and he would look their way because he knew what he had done That I knew what he had done and then he moved and I never saw him again. I never Always thought about it. I always think about it, especially now that I have a daughter I have friends, you know, even alley one one night was on stage talking about that She hates going on the road because as a woman you have to get in a strange car with a strange man Who drives you you don't know any of these people as a woman, you know as a guy so

I don't even know we got in this conversation. I know I know that's talking shit. No, I mean it is it's just it's it's weird I I don't remember much from my childhood. I just hear shit I hear stuff that I don't remember all the time, but the more I hear the more it explains No, remember one thing and today I went off on Lee that went off on a we were having a conversation about working out And I told him what I thought about psychiatry psychiatry is very helpful sometimes. Yeah psychiatry is very helpful It's helpful to go talk to somebody. There's one part of psychiatry. I do not like and that's the picking on the scab If it's not bothering you and it's not affecting your life Why pick it up don't pick it up. I agree with that

You don't remember getting molested, but your cousin did and your sister did and the cat did You know, but but under the fucking state with leaving it under there is Unless like the reason you're doing XYZ is because there's something in your subconscious that you don't know I don't want you to think it out make it up. Oh, yeah, I don't want you to think it up And now make up a scenario. That's what I want. I know a girl that I'm friends with not anymore That introduced me to her in like we're comics with comics and one time I did a gig with her and Her grandparents are there and she was fine and the grandparent left her money

Yeah, then one day on the drunk spoo. She wanted a thing like grandpa molester That she had just remembered grandpa molester. That's what I'm saying people remember stuff all of a sudden. I Wonder that sometimes too. How what if how do you know it really happened? How do you know? It's not a story. I'm not just talking about molestation. I'm just saying in general Like I hear about all kinds of violence that happened around my family, but I don't remember ever seeing violence Do you know what I mean? Like how do you know what's real? I've lied to myself before if we don't know what's real and what's not Then leave that where it's supposed to be out of your mind. Yeah, I guess I'm gonna tell you a fucked up story Then we'll get the fuck out of here

My mother used to wake me up every night at three in the morning when she got home from the bar Yeah, but Chinese food a Cuban sandwich a BLT whatever And she would wake me up and I would fucking hate it some nights I liked it because the food was good before the most part. I hate it. I just fall asleep. Yeah fucking waking me up The night she died. I heard her yelling for me And I turned over I was like So for about a month I kept saying maybe she was yelling for me while she was having a heart attack and I could have saved her life If I would have dug into that foxhole, I wouldn't be here with you guys right now

Yeah, I'd be somebody living in a home on the medication Beating myself up being the victim that I didn't save my mother's life. I heard her yelling in the crib You know, there's a movie called paradise It was on about three weeks ago when I taped it and I watched it and me and my wife cried My wife had never watched it. It's a movie that Don Johnson, Melanie Griffin made Right when they remarried in like 91 John Johnson was fucking beautiful and Melanie Griffin was a piece of Melanie Griffin's built kind of weird like a hip. She's got a flat ass and big hips and but in this movie. She looked She's cute and it's about a couple who the kid from

Harry Potter not that fucking goofy kid with the glasses, but one of those kids shows up to the house that Don Johnson's wife has a college girlfriend a sorority girlfriend Yeah, and her and her husband having problems. They have a kid So she calls to Johnson's and see if she could drop the kid off for three weeks That's about this couple that had a baby and he died and Their relationship hasn't been the same and now this kid teaches him how to be a couple again It's a fucking beautiful Don Johnson Fucking hit it out of the fucking park with this movie. Yeah, I'm a big-time Don Johnson fan

And I'm gonna be telling them one time I did one of Adam's house movies Yeah, Nick Swanson's movie the one that bombed really bad It was me and Don Johnson in the closet for like an hour and we would have to walk into the room together So in that hour in between takes we were talking. Yeah, he was great. Everybody said he was a dick He was great to me. Yeah, and when I said to him like a bright on things. I'm I think your best movies paradise He thought about it for a minute. He goes. I think so, too. Huh? If you ever see it, but when the point of that thing is that the end she breaks down And she says that she heard him cry and she didn't turn over to pick him up

So she has to live with that the rest of her life You know what I want you to make a decision like I did like what that happened to you You have to make a decision on what happened and move on because it was eating away at me And I was starting to turn into one of those people you would do coke with people They'll over some they tell you everything about their childhood when I'm wrong and you you went from having a good time Yeah, suck the guy's dick like oh I don't want to suck your dick depress me so much. Yeah, you know, you totally you take a girl home You got down on bikini

You're snorting coke and also she looks easy. She goes never tell you my father raped me when I was nine Yeah, night is over. You know saying yeah, I'm gonna give you aspirin. I'm gonna crush her up. You ain't doing no more coke Yeah That's what that becomes in your life. I think you're right. I know I'm right because it had me for about a year Yeah, I had me for about a year thinking of that. I could have saved her life. No, you couldn't first one when God Picks your number that night at midnight. God takes a list out of 20 names He starts reading them up and the lucky winner is Joey Diaz. You're right. Don't matter There you go. You're right. You're crossing the street at the ha ha. Yeah

There's a car with no lights coming down the street and you just get hit by a guy No, we understand when God wants you to go It's time to go if he wanted me to save her he would have fucking woke me up and made me save and also It's just living in the present. Yeah moment The future if you got molester, I don't want you to come tonight this poor this girl. I'm talking about this killed her Yeah, I don't want to know until she came up one day So I think my grandfather molester me you think now I was just saying that you spent this money in Mexico Yeah, like now you remember that you just bought a house and you spent this money in Mexico now with a carrot

Do you yeah that the guy molester you why you were spending 20s and jumping up and down? Yeah, I don't know about a finger up your ass now all of a sudden now you figured you're a church Give me a fucking break. Yeah, I don't want to know. I don't want to know Yeah, my friend my friend just went to therapy and they like dug all this Yeah, I'm like, you know, I think I'm okay No, you know what I never hung up if I got a finger in the ass and belong there. I don't remember it I'm fine with it and we're gonna end on that note. Okay. I love you. I love you so Where are your dates coming up?

comic strip Edmonton October 24th to 28th, and then I'll be with you in New York at Gotham and then Cleveland Comedy Festival and don't forget you bad motherfuckers. I'll see you Friday Saturday night West Palm Beach improv we're dropping some knowledge. We got some home motherfuckers coming over Eddie Brancaccio's coming to the second show. We got Louis Castellino with Joey Caracapa We got fucking Tasia Romero's husband's coming. We got a party. So you don't want to fuck them I'll see you motherfuckers at the West Palm Beach improv and I'm down in Cleveland also. Yeah, two weeks fucking later. All right. Thank you very much for I love you. I love you. Have a great day. Yeah, I want to thank Kate Quigley again for coming in

Always a fucking fun time with her one thing before we wrap up First off sure watching football is fun, but it's more entertaining when you got a little money on the game All right, guys, you heard me talk about this for weeks and some of yous are still sitting on the fucking sidelines Sitting there broke like a mama Luke whether you're an expert or a rookie. You should be betting in my bookie Why I'll tell you why I'm the kind of guy that likes to bet a little and win a lot But like playing numbers on a roulette, you can create a big parlay You could pick three teams to win if you hit all three of them You could turn a yardstick $100 into $600. There's so much to bet on playoff baseball hockey primetime fights

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With a quip electric toothbrush, all right, I want to thank quip. I want to thank my bookie I want to thank on it.com, but most importantly I want to thank you motherfucking savages because I love you without you and have fucking dick. Thank you for listening Thank you for being part of the church family again a shout out to Kate Quigley and my main man the motherfucking flying Jew I love you motherfucking see you Tuesday morning Bright nearly the rest is I see you in West Palm Beach Friday fucking night Ready to smoke reefer eat gorilla biscuits whatever the fuck you want to do. Let's do this shit. Kick this fucking leave you Kick this mule Lee. I'm getting this lucky than my old age, you know I'm saying

You You You You You You Nice and easy And when she had me hollow and naked

Yeah You You