Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #627 - Josh Wolf and Greg Garcia

Episode Date: October 18, 2018

Josh Wolf, a comedian and host of the "Fairly Normal" and "The Prinze and the Wolf" podcasts, and Greg Garcia, the creator of multiple sitcoms, such as "My Name Is Earl" and "The Guest Book," which will begin airing in October 2018, which includes two episodes with Joey Diaz, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by: Robinhood App - an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETF's, options and cryptos - all commission free. Go to church.robinhood.com to get a free stock like Apple, Ford or Sprint.    MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.    ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church Recorded live on 10/17/2018.


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they'll give you a hundred you play you win you get paid that's what my bookie does all right so go to my bookie right now and login with promo code church chur ch and double your dump your your initial deposit by a hundred percent kick this motherfucker muley Thursday 18th of October I don't know what happened that day I got no history on you all I know is it's a church of what's happening now it's a double fucking guest podcast tonight we got the famous Mr. Josh Wolf from Wolf and whatever the fuck the podcast we got Greg Garcia fucking writer creator fucking savage of Hollywood the most unholy with guy in

the fucking room you know I'm saying we got the fucking Christ killer the original Lisa at he just did his 23 and me and it came back his uncle was there when they killed Jesus he got your uncle Joey Diaz can you imagine that getting that 23 and me your uncle was there and we killed Jesus we got DNA here we go take that motherfucker Lee you fucking kidding me or what this is the last stand the sapper right here fucking bottom heard this and got so drunk he fucking was like this is too much I still remember this album coming out like that's how old I am and like

waiting around because it had been three years since they released an album his kid died and really nobody knew the future Led Zeppelin physical graffiti was a fucking masterpiece but when this came out you took we took beatings for this because no matter how good it was there was always a beetle fan that said don't wait to get back together I see what's happened sorry I didn't make it bash I was talking about my cat last night walking around yeah and Greg this only happened in my house once before when we first moved here there must have been a cat that was pregnant a neighbor and one day I'm watching TV and

I'm hearing under the bed like what the fuck and Fidel was swollen oh Fidel was the nicest cat in the world and he all of a sudden he looked like a fucking raccoon oh no and he was about to attack the other one and I had to get Fidel and Fidel was hissing at me I had never seen that before and then one time Fidel and super bad have beef since day one they got the same fathers they've had beef since day one Fidel was always superior to super bad the super bad's a scrappy cat you gotta watch super bad super bad's a type of cat that you'll beat him up and when you're fucking shaking hands with your friends you'll

come back and bust you he's black and white nobody really likes him in the neighborhood nobody likes super bad when we first moved up the corner one day super bad was fighting Harry and he beat Harry up Harry ran away and super bad is like you know what I'm feeling my oath right now he looked over on the couch and Fidel was sitting on the top of the couch and my wife had just put the laundry basket down and she was taking the laundry out super bad looks at Fidel like you know what now while I'm fucking you up I might as well fuck you up too he jumps on the chair he jumps on the couch and he heads towards Fidel Fidel's

got him by 10 12 pounds super bad scrappy to the death super bad jumps on Fidel Fidel's not ready for it they're fighting they land in the laundry basket the laundry basket flips over it's like a fight I open it up they both break away like what the fuck just happened two cats enter one cat leave my god that really yeah I hate all that shit guys I hate when my cats are at war and last night was one of the scariest things there's two there's I got six now I'm down to six there was a little there was ten at one time I lost Demi I lost like the one I lost Fidel Sissy and somebody else then I gained one when I

moved to this neighborhood okay she's my bodyguard alright she's loyal to me even the owner said the cat and you you know the cat was walking up the stairs scratching on the door and my other cats were hiss at it wait it wasn't lost no the owner gave it to you I rented it from the I rented it up to bedroom apartment yeah to house and they had an outdoor cat I became friends with this cat I would come home from ending from doing comedy and go the cat would come out of a fucking bush and bring me a mouse a fucking raccoon the cat was tough as nails you know you know my brother found an atom you know he loves

cats he found an outdoor cat and he said that that cat first of all just goes through the screen like if you the screens open she just cuts a hole in the screen comes in but with like outdoor animals but kills them and eats them next to my brother like like she's proud up to the table yeah no just when my brother's sleeping he'll wake up because he hears the cat eating a dead animal yeah so loyal they're bringing you their prey fucking crazy when you live with a cat you live with a fucking killer a killer yeah after midnight once darkness sets in when you're around the couple cats you could feel it they have a

certain energy at night it's very tough to describe living with cats and dogs is too dead I love them both yeah if it was up to me I'd have 20 of each do you remember I used to have this huge Saint Bernard oh my god sure but he looked like Beethoven you know all the kids and everybody thought he's gonna be super friendly but he had been hit by a van in the head when he was like a puppy and it turned him super mean yeah so you remember people used to run up to this 140 pound dog like hey it's Beethoven and I used to always going slow slow down slow him down he came so close to biting off so many little kids faces it

was fucking crazy that he had a dent in his head so whatever side of the head that he got hit on changed his like emotions entirely how do you deal with that on it was fucking he almost bit off my cousin Scott's nuts in my apartment he oh he hated him and I could tell he hated him but because I was in the apartment he wouldn't do anything but I could tell he was he put his head down and just kind of oh I want to bite the fuck out of you right and we were moving me out of that apartment and Scott and I were in the apartment together and I we were about to you know walk out and I was like hey I'm gonna go get the elevator

and as I turned the corner out of the front door I thought oh that's a bad idea and as I was turning back in his name was Bud Bud was lunging for Scott's nuts lunging it was like he was like it was hard it was hard to control a little bit on the thing nothing crazy oh my my sister has this little dog and I went home and she said yeah come on over and just you know when the dog sees you it's a little hype or whatever but you know just ignore it I was like all right so I walk in and dogs barking all around and I just ignored it I wouldn't sat on the couch and the thing came up and sat on the couch next to me just kind of stared

at me for a second and I was like hey buddy you know and okay and then I slowly started to get up and it bit the inside of my thigh and last on so if I pulled my leg up and it was hanging for a second and it was oh it was rough it's good for a tetanus shot all that shit I don't think I did you're supposed to do yeah I think I had one I think I'd had one I'm really careful with mercy and dogs yeah because I was traumatized young I got bit in the face by a German shepherd five oh and the Bronx I stem they kept telling me not to look in the mirror don't look at yourself in the mirror and I remember just having cotton

and taking the cotton off and seeing a patch of my face missing going Jesus Christ and not fainting you know crying yeah I was scared I didn't know but then I went on a rampage of getting bit by dogs because of the fear yeah you can't have fear around dogs so I would see a dog get fearful they would bite me so I went out I got bit like four times after that until I had a you have to what's that fake it till you make it type of attitude yeah that's it you really have to believe it in your heart that you're not scared of dogs no more than I stop getting bit huh but I had such a fear that they would they would leave like a

dog would see me two blocks away and attack me because that's how much my fear was towards them oh wow and then one day I had like let the fear go from inside and I'm like that's what it feels like not to be scared and they never messed with me again oh that's crazy one time I was doing a burglary and then I had a burglary he turned on me that fucking juice what you feed him whoppers give a dog a whopper they either bite they love it they'd spit on the tomato did you show up with a whopper the day of the burglary no see that's why you know what I mean yeah but how do you not show up with the

whopper that's the most important day apparently not apparently not you made a very good point yeah you gotta bring the whopper every day you gotta bring the fucking whopper that's my that's my slogan for life you got to bring the whopper every day that's what I wake up and say to myself every day the whopper every day he's getting charged with raping 19 different states they got him for raping India how can you rape somebody in India you know I'm saying even ISIS is looking for rape that's their middle name that's how you get into ISIS you gotta rape somebody and ISIS is looking for Harvey they got a post on Harvey

pull fucking Harvey where's the hiding days no they know they just took a picture I haven't seen one in a while I took a picture of him at a supermarket reading no no no they just took a picture of him at a supermarket reading one of the fucking mags just catching up reading one of the Hollywood yeah one of the mags one of the gossip mags I guarantee he's like looking at the start going I didn't even come on a tits I'm out she's such a fucking liar no I came in her asshole why is he saying that I came on a face he's something because he's I believe he's getting accused by 25 women I believe 25 women it's a it's a 22

other women are just jumping on the bandwagon or something I you know what I I would I wouldn't be surprised if you gave me a super high number of actual cases I would not be surprised if you think about all the access he had to these girls on a daily basis on a daily basis he had access to these women and women who aren't even famous now who we don't know about who aren't for sure are coming forward because people are gonna be like me like you know we they're gonna be dragged through so much shit so man I I don't know I saw a video yeah you see that video of him where some woman was pitching him some idea or

something and she had a her camera on on her laptop and she's just sitting there very business-like and she's showing him what we could do this and we could brand your thing here in this movie here and he's just daring at her the whole time and then he says yeah yeah yeah yeah we'll do that so so you gonna be you gonna be nice to me you're nice and it's like within like a minute I'm sitting so he has so much access if you gave me if you said the number actually is in the triple digits I'd be like he was in this business 20 years yeah I fucking believe that you know if you take your dick out 10 times a day three people suck so what

you're saying that your odds regular your dick sucked in your odds for like in Major League Baseball those are about the same odds four out of five yeah three out of ten times you really think it's ten I guarantee you can make it the seven without the cops guys you should get through a chubby man just came into your house again he got his car and then he popped up in Culver City you know if you can make it the 10 spots in one day that would be tremendous one day just take your dick out like he left nobody knows what kind of car he had like you got actually because people looking for you with a gun people looking for you

with like a bag yeah somebody yelling but you just walk into Whole Foods in the like three house moms yeah with yoga pants on you take out your dick give it a minute oh minute you got to count the 30 seconds like practical jokers that's the show we got a pitch Josh will take us we got to find something take out your dick for three minutes in the fucking supermarket and see who'll suck it this year on true TV I used to go acting class I'll tell you something right now I would bet you this because in college we used to take out our nuts at a bar and we would call it hanging brains and we would see who could hang brains along as

well nobody fucking notices you know who notices other dudes other dudes will come up to you and go hey man your nuts are out I'm like yeah dude I fucking know I know my nuts are out other dudes but like no every time somebody said something to us it was a guy who was like hey man your nuts are out you know I was staying logistically I know like four men that can press charges I'm yeah because I used to wear jeans with holes in the balls so poor that I would have got a little rip dude why fix it you I would sit there and show you my balls and I still remember one day chasing Rogan with my balls out and he was losing his

mind like nobody had ever chased him he's like Joey I swear I'm gonna hit you but he wouldn't turn around he kept running because my balls are in my hand he could definitely take me the first 10 years that I knew him oh he didn't wear underwear and he had holes in his pants I still don't want sometimes yeah I got a kid but you had a hole you had a hole in your pants for the first 10 years that I know oh please I love a hole in your pants you ain't shit I saw his nuts look at these right here count the holes this is all from marijuana one these are all my because I slow pot while I take a shit I have a back

bathroom everybody complains that they have a hard time taking a shit I have a back bathroom in the office I opened the door I could open the door into my backyard so in the mornings after I have my coffee a piece of nicotine gum I give it like 20 minutes I sit out there and I fill that pipe up and I start and when you cough the shit flies out of your ass so the other day I'm sitting there taking a shit with my pants down my things yeah me on these on I got sweatpants on and dog do you know that went like one of those yeah an ash flew right out and flew right between my legs and I could see the me and these

going on fire a piece of shit's coming out of my you know you don't have to push no more like nothing how you're blowing the smoke it comes right out like fucking yogurt at Menchie's comes right out with this world you don't have to wipe your ass and nothing there you go how long did it take you to figure this out like you have a scientist or something I was not it's not like I invented it I went to the bathroom one day I'm sitting with the Apple yeah I don't understand

when you take a shit that's disrespectful of course that's disrespectful yeah so I'm sitting there looking at trees you have a mentoring school behind my house right here kids playing in the trees nice so I'm sitting there one day and I go what else can I be doing while I'm sitting here I got it they kill two birds with one stone I got the weed right there yeah so I take the weed out and I smoke and when I push the first time instead of going nothing you cough and all of a sudden just every time you cough piss you you get little pieces fly out of your ass and hey genius and I've been doing it ever since I've been losing

weight steady you know what I'm saying dude I thought I was sitting next to you on my plane ride from LA to Boston last week this dude was lighting up the light I'm up on fire I'm like those tolerant now so before I fly I have a milkshake can I just to make sure I make my statement on the plane can I tell you this dude so first of all he was trying to be sly he he would do that little shift and right when he did the shift you would get hit with just yeah and and you know it was him just because of like there's a certain freshness proximity gives you you know what I mean I know you're talking to me like like

you can tell how much it's been deluded by the time I guess you but if you're on full blast you know you're right next to the person right so so he hits me right and the first one I'm like you know I'm gonna respect that okay we respect you by the third one I actually it was so bad I said out loud come on right he's looking on his iPad he's got his headphones in he never looks at me he's gassing me the whole flight we're at about the tenth time and I'm not kidding when I tell you I this is how drastic it is you know the pillows I have I have them over my face so just my eyes are over and when he farts and I

smell it I put the pillow over my face and I turn and I look at him do you know this motherfucker never even looked my way not once like a fucking pimp did you have the window yes mistake number one he never take the window because then you're trapped in the hailing that fart the fan the air condition is at your feet that's what if you blow if you smoke a vape pen on the plane watch what happens to the smoke go like this blow it at a angle down and you'll see it go right into the floor so you're inhaling even if I'm in row I'm across from you and I'm blasting you're inhaling if we have to fart breaks like it's supposed

to like it's supposed to now when I got on the plane I make sure he's got earphones on if I see everybody with earphones on I'm going off I even pivot the hips up do you know yeah oh yeah cuz I know how to pivot the hips up yeah my goal is to make it bounce off and I'll pivot like this so it bounces off the screen right into your face you know so you sit down game of Paul and now listen to this like a George Gerber you gotta understand what people don't understand is if you take an early flight you're in danger because that means 20 people got on the plane without their morning shit and they had a coffee and

and I'm jet blue where Papa sits I'm drinking double express so yeah double express oh you understand me double doubles that I tell you the menu last week I did I read you the menu on jet blue man yeah that I read it to you last week let me read your last weeks Sunday this is what 27 years of flying has done is you know how to fart on a screen this is last for exactly right this is Sunday's menu you ready all right it opened up with a p ricotta pesto dip with crostini's I passed out I had like a Xanax and I smoked a joint of that dirty bazooka and I woke up and there was fucking a little tray of dip

with a bunch of Italian bread and cheese it was peas and then I had a kale cob salad a tris a citrus salad seven grain risotto panciate halibut and citrus braised pork that's how you live on fucking I'm looking at what it was oh my god I forgot that she was there look what it was oh my Jesus I forgot oh oh I forgot oh look at this one oh he sent that to me I took that shit in the morning I sent it to her like a brown carrot all right so I look like a black spear look at that thing it's sticking out of

water beautiful that's it and when you flush it it breaks in half and then it gets and they choke each other like I'm going down first no I'm gonna break those sticks of that yeah it looks like something they would fight with on Game of Thrones yeah it does right yeah I think so imagine seeing that it's seven in the morning oh my god well I hit like two or three people with that email and they were like what the fuck Tom Segura always gets one the big of the pieces Tom Segura you never he probably loves you never post these on Twitter because that it's endless you'll get shit from all over the world for

days is that true yeah if you take a picture of shit and put it on Twitter and tell people like a joke you're done because now everybody somebody takes a shit for the next five years you're gonna open up your Twitter as a picture Instagram I'll make that mistake but if you have a friend that enjoys those pictures yeah if you have a friend that enjoys those pictures Tom Segura the bigger the shit he gets the first picture 18-19 inches he gets the first big it's like a fit like you and you measure a fit you can hit Tom Segura for a job anything it'll take him an hour to get

back you hit him with a piece of shit right back oh Jesus right back there wakes him up reciprocate do you get do you get pictures of shit can nobody can throw heat like that no that's that don't compete what I do is see that's after three days like I was telling Lee when I go on the road my asshole knows it doesn't want to fuck up the bathroom at the hotel so it just drops off a little turds from time you don't shit at the back at the hotel my asshole don't like it but once I get off the plane and I hit the 405 that's when your asshole starts telling you what's that song here we come by the time I hit the 101 and my

asshole spots a Laurel Canyon exit in two miles ooh then you hit that little exit that's got that magnet and when I'm making that left around Laurel Canyon I'm hope there's not a homeless lady I put the luggage down I run right to the bathroom and I mean what that's the first thing I do when I land I the bathrooms at the hotel I love but they're always by the door so that's the whole room so next thing you know you all the room service in the poor guy from Haiti has to come in yeah mind himself of his country I was in a hotel that's what he's been here for two years got a great card he's

working midnight room service they need to smell this shit again I thought you'd like that it's like a grenade or something no if I'm shitting my hotel I got class I don't know destroy the lobby you'd rather shit in the lobby than in your room yeah I'm gonna sit in that room for 12 hours can't you shut the door even if you shut the door this is Uncle Joey yeah I just had peered pan-seared fucking Christina you know you don't want that in your room yeah a lot of those hotels don't have fans so you sit there all day rotten ass so no no I just take me believe like not I get a couple

call things excuse me where's the nearest roller skating rink and you just was there a bathroom just throw that in the second then we even look you go right there to that hallway and blast it out when you're walking out the janitor's walking in and you look at him like who the fuck was in here look at you see get best I know sticky white people fucking animals like five in the morning do you go downstairs no I would never wake up at five to have to do that but if I have time like if I'm civilized and I don't have to go to the bathroom like if I'm getting anxiety I'll shoot downstairs and go on the

hallway I don't want it in my bedroom my room then the room stinks for two fucking days I know what comes out of my ass no ventilation no open windows because the fart smell goes away but you always have that center smell like if you ever cut a piece of shit have you ever lost anything like swallow the ring and you have to go cut a piece of shit in half the smell that now in the middle is brutal my kid my kid this while the little metal ball once and I had to the duty of making sure that you know that it came out at some point so yeah did you go in with a spoon oh you're going with a spoon and a paper plate and

it's fucking disgusting like a bucket yeah I had a little like a colander thing that he could yeah take a dump in and how many did you have to go through before you found your I mean you know what the early gold miners there's probably about four or five yeah you've got a spaghetti yeah put the shit in there no and then hit the spaghetti strainer but in the kitchen sink though yeah you know your birds are dying in the neighborhood you kid ruin the whole fucking plantation so for you had to go through it four times yeah yeah and then you fight and you've never been so happy to find something in your entire life treasure you never

gonna have to do that again yeah wow yeah and did and does he remind you that you did that ever no how old was he I'd remind my dad yeah I think I would you remember when that time when you had to go through my shit yeah I think it's just got all that stuff what do you do with the spoon after oh you use it for coffee today you throw it out you throw it away it's a plastic spoon okay yeah I used to save it watch it yeah if I did I had to wash and give it to you so you get the taste of ass in your mouth so you can finally like to eat ass something something to bring you there you don't eat ass after you eat the soup you'll

go Jesus the soup is good I was in a spoon with ass see it's not that bad how miss an ass what's the difference I told you I told you to me the asshole is like the bodies vanilla extract it smells and tastes completely different you know what I mean like it you know how vanilla extract you're like oh that smells nice and you taste it you're like that's bitter and you smell the asshole and you're like that kind of smells like shit but you taste it you're like that doesn't really taste like it though you know I mean I think I think this is just everyone who's done it wants everyone like wants me to do it now cuz it was so

terrible you have to do you have to pretend like it's up no no I'm just telling you often to put a line of coke on our asshole he would lick it off with a line of coke are you kidding me what's a little numb tongue I don't want to numb tongue but you I mean that's quite an offer and for that's a good story for it to be your first time I don't want it that'll be any time so like I would really eat pussy why is that weird please don't get them started really everyone are saying I have to do it it's there's shit up there I don't care how you see all those heroes all my heroes they didn't eat ass you thought you think

Charles Blanton ate a hundred percent no I just came from eating ass that's why he always looks like great man eight ass they flipped them over opened up that asshole stuck a finger in it those guys don't let the vapors the best is when you finger the asshole for a while and then you take your finger on that face vapor comes out and you take it like a man you smell the asthma you're like I don't give a fuck I got 20 lines of coke in me I've done worse you know I'm saying you just get that first fume of kidney and fucking colon like everything oh my god you make it sound so great you can smell a liver without the onions

oh my god Greg Garcia what's happening I love this this is why I just come listen to stories this is crazy I love it not gonna ask you something yeah because I'm just telling a joke on stage lately and I don't know if it had to do with you if my memories fucked up okay when we live in Seattle don't tell them that I got beat up with the umbrella I don't want to hear that shit again who whose idea who was the promoter of that show the promoter of that show was the skinny weird guy drove up in the hearse the blood he was he was talking about he was that he was a DJ and he used he used to travel around a hearse and then

he would bring his stuff in in a coffin and he was the name of the night fetish night okay and so they could come in with any fetish they wanted and then downstairs in the basement there was that side room where they could do extra weird shit but they had to pay an extra $50 I think to get into that room and so that was the room behind the bar remember downstairs behind the bar where the guy was putting like jumper cables on his nipples yeah and that's the way that's also I told this guy a story that I went to a place one time when the guy was upside down and they were sucking his dick and it was I remember leaving they

going that's tough to suck a man's dick when they're upside down because all the head all the bloods in the head yeah and I remember going like I went over a look and the guy was sucking like like his cheeks are sucked in I'm not I don't know if that was my place your place was I went downstairs it was a chick on a pool table one night there were milks and they had a tied up to every hole yeah like and they weren't fucking or not then she had like a thing that with a key on it the chastity the chastity belt and they would melt wax on it she had like nipples on her ring and there was your place yeah there was there was a that

back room there was one night where there was a glass table and dudes would get under the glass table and watch naked girls squat and and poop and they would pay a ton of money so he got me the guy's pay a ton I'd be up keeping the piece at this place no no no no I'm upstairs checking IDs but people are coming up saying what's going on and I will go pssst Josh come here work the door for five minutes let me go downstairs and take a peek and let me tell you something all those fetish things it's like when you go to a nude beach there's nobody at a nude beach that you want to see yeah nude like when you hear

advertising for a nude beach do not go there you know people that look like oh yeah women that look like Tom Brady's wife does not go to a nude beach no and when you go to those fucking fetish things it's people who are just there wasn't one like the lady that we saw that was naked her pussy was so fucking ugly like her pussy was so fucking ugly like if I remember anything from that club was the one night when the chick was tied to the pool table and in your wildest dreams you couldn't fuck this chick but they were all like they were all lovey-dovey it was a scene where the ugly war the better you were in and

that was yeah I remember that she was real sex on HBO and they do like not good looking people gross people the woman had a gut like mine like at that time I wasn't even that heavy yeah but she had a gut they were put they were putting like piercings with hooks huh so they would pull on her from different directions but do you remember the one thing I'll say never a problem that night do you know what I mean there was you were security but not really do you know what I mean like no no there was never out of all the nights that I had there there was never a problem and then you had an Asian night where you made you stole a

thousand dollars but they they were drinking Dom Perignon and he would come home and go he's 50 like I stole a thousand they were paying obscene prices for I was like how much you want this bottle of cream to creme de myth yeah and they'd be like $500 I'm like you got it $500 creme de myth it was ridiculous yeah but we had there was a lot of security that night yeah those night was a lot of shootings and shit that yeah I would come food night because of Seattle why yeah it was rough it was rough and those brothers ran it and that one dude who owned the club partially owned it when I first started was part

of the Korean mob Jesus and that was a that was real shady the first six months or so that I worked there until the Japanese got to go over until Aki took over and he was a real good dude he just won he was he was a really good dude he just won the reason that place got shut down memory got shut down because I was out of town doing a gig and he decided to throw a party at UW and and just put posters up all ages it's not an all-ages club I kept telling him he was like yeah but it won't be a problem I'm like it's if you do this party we're gonna get shut down he was like no no won't be a problem because we'll make

sure they're not drinking I'm like how are you gonna do that and sure enough before I got home he called me they shut the place down I'm like yeah you dumb because I had the sweetheart of a deal man yeah what did you do exactly I he gave me 10% off the top because he was gonna close it down and remember I kind of I was like hey dude before you close it down give me three months to try to turn it around and he gave me three months and he was like this is going way better than I thought it would what's it gonna take and he was like how about 10% and I thought he meant to like whatever his profits were it was

10 he gave me he wasn't a great business guy he gave me 10% off the top and I was like that's good and then I got to bartend any night I wanted to I got to hire my friends I get to set up all I did everything yeah he had a great lunch oh dude there's that Mexican guy could use to make chocolate mole sauce so good lunch at the place yeah alobo loco he let me rename it and I would go on any on the up yeah is yeah is the woman tied to the pool table during lunch no Tuesday night okay that's a special that's a special night yeah okay that I just pictured now a lunch lunch crowd yeah I didn't play as well

lunch but also Alex Rodriguez is 21st birthday yeah yeah yeah all right you know a woman walking around with shots there was also a night in there where they had a release party for the aerial heroin chick and I heard horrible stories that she had guys shooting her the Kurt Cobain's wife oh yeah they had a party for you gotta remember this was downtown Seattle and it was down the block from the bass player from Sound Gardens bar sent the central was it was no no no no so Lobo local had a parking lot next to it and then you walked to the corner then you cross the street and if you walked 50 yards it was

somebody from Sound Garden on the bar on that street at that time so they were Sound Garden was never there but people were always there yeah and then if you walked the other way down the block you hit the Tommy underground yeah which was my favorite club of all time that fucking block and a half to the comedy underground and I'm looking at you and they have his you could have gotten killed down yeah yeah you could have gotten killed yeah it was that bad there was something about it that you don't know what it was heroin I'm gonna never forget one but it was really just there man it was that that square yeah just that

one three block section yeah was a skit cuz I still remember you booked a club on a Monday night one time after the open mic right down the corner yeah and we walked out and we were yelling at two guys that were getting into a fight like these guys were about to stab themselves and we're like hey fuck you and they're like fuck you and they kept fighting them and like the guy would stop and look at us like I'm coming like it was crazy yeah it was it was it was one of the best times in my life yeah one of the best fun how long were you guys up there he was up there way longer than I was 93 to 97 for me wow no no 94 to 97

I walked in 95 and I made it to 97 okay yeah 97 I got arrested six times in two years no wait Jacob was born 97 I made it to the end of 96 yeah cuz I came in January 97 yeah Jacob was born after that yeah yeah fucking crazy yes what year did we meet 99 okay all right yeah 99 you know what's funny is I I so the first TV deal that I got off of that one-man show thing he was the writer for it and he but he was being oh he was being over yeah some guy was super supervising it's a guy named Danny Jacobson was supervising him so I but you know I I saved that I tell you I saved that script yeah that you wrote and I

read it the other day and I was like this is still a fucking funnier than anything I've ever written in my entire life like that yeah dude it it's still really fun we had fun that would that yeah but Danny Jacobson was bananas now he was nuts we but Joey they had this guy like I hadn't really done that much and so they're like this guy's gonna oversee you or whatever but the guy was fucking nuts and and he didn't know he didn't know what he was doing big ego oh I remember he was somewhere one night and I knew he was connected to Josh and I thought to myself Josh might have a problem with this guy and I

didn't meet him I didn't shake his hand somebody just said that's Danny Jacobson I'm gonna tell you yeah I think he did something recently but I don't know tabs I'm gonna tell you something I don't think I've ever told you might make you feel yeah so he handed the group that his script it was way better than I think Danny wanted your script to be this is me just guessing and after he read the script which we everybody on the team was like this is a good fucking script when Danny Collins said we don't need Greg anymore that's basically how that went yeah and said we don't need Greg anymore and I was like we do

actually kind of need Greg this script is really good and he was like yeah he convinced me he was like nods and I was like I think it is everybody thinks it's really good he's like I'm gonna write a better script he went over his resume a couple times which was at the time really good yeah yeah so every day we go to his house and by the way he was the first dude that I ever thought I can't believe how much weed this guy smokes he had a drawer full of joints and a drawer full of just money he had a dude that he came that came over to type for us that he called clacky but he didn't tell me his real name he was like he's the type

writer guy so he he said his name is clacky we never put a word to paper we were there for maybe three hours he had a huge screen TV he loved the honeymooners we watched a lot of honeymooners smoked a lot of weed you know nothing he was like now and he was like no now for but for the meeting with the network we were at he was there was a script promised and he was like don't worry I'll bring it'll be good I'll get it to you it'll be good good good good good good I think maybe a day before the meeting we're going in he sends everybody's script and I get the script for the first time because I'm sitting around I think I'm

waiting for notes I'm just like alright I gave my script to this dude I'm so showed to he'll give me notes soon I guess he's taking too long to write it and then or read it and then on my doorstep there's a script and it says written by him and then me underneath them and I'm like what and I'm looking through it and I'm like this is I this isn't anything that I wrote and it went to everybody network everybody it was okay we walk into the meeting the next day now I will tell you this so Danny had told me that Greg's script was not that good and I knew that Danny's script was completely different than Greg's so do

you know what I mean I was like well maybe the one that I think is good is bad and the one that I think is bad is good because they are completely different you know what I mean we walk into the meeting the guy the network guy standing he holds the script above the table to me and Danny my manager I think drops it for effect bam and just looks at Danny goes I don't fucking get it at all and Danny was like which part he was like the whole thing he was like what happened to that other script his and he and it was a fucking scramble it was a scramble but I was sitting there watching what I thought was because of

how excited the network was and this fucking guy watching what I thought was oh this is gonna shot too as the script was dropping that was mimicking my career just well I don't fucking get it at all I was like oh my god and that was yeah it's crazy I didn't know that part of it but um it was yeah yeah what a crazy fucking business but I didn't know you got the script I got it on my door step I think they just maybe accidentally sent it to me or maybe he was trying to go and he was like you want to read a real script yeah and I call I called the network I just picked the phone call the network I said I just got

a script I don't I didn't write it so just so you know I don't you know I don't know what to tell you okay where'd you go after you wrote that script well that was a funny thing because that guy too while we were working on Josh's show at one point I had two pilots going on and Josh's and another one and he said to me oh you got another pilot Danny Jacobson said yeah and he goes it'll never go and I go all right well that was yes dear so that went for six years so that's what I did right after the Josh thing I did yesterday for six years who was your boss on that with Danny Jacobson no no no it was just me me and I co-created it

with a guy named Alan Kirshenbaum so it was just the two of us created the show together so what would you say Danny Jacobson well he was before this when I was working with Josh he told me that yes dare he said it'll never get on he just like in the middle just for no reason he just was like yeah yeah that show's not what he had done what mad about you Roseanne that are both of those yeah that's why he was so hot and and he was for the story that I was telling it was Roseanne was the right tone that we were kind of going for but you know what's funny about that yes dear pilot I remember you sent it to me and I got to

read it and I remember thinking to myself as I was reading this scene this scene this scene is so funny it could get a show made and it was that scene with the baby with a baby at the end yeah that's the only thing I got that show in the area dude that scene I was I would show I was laughing so fucking hard yeah but like it was hysteric yeah but the whole the whole script was a joke doesn't work today it's just too easy to manipulate yeah you know video and stuff like that so it's a bit where a baby walks across water because these two idiots they needed to splice the home video and what have you and it's just a

visual gag but now wouldn't work yeah you just put a filter on anything you do whatever and stuff but yeah they were trying to get away with taking to the baby to the casino right yeah yeah something like that and so they had video and they were just they tried to replace it with something but they made the baby when they showed the wives to convince them that they weren't at the casino they showed the video the baby walking on water yeah which is a messed up which is a dead giveaway you know that they but that I'll send you I said you take it's funnier when you see it I'm just blown away that you grow up you

know you grew up wherever the fuck Virginia Beach yeah you grew up watching stupid fucking TV shows and now you've been in the business I'm 20 years you've controlled three or four fucking big-time shows like it's nothing fun lucky you think about this shit you know it's not just being out here he's been out here in home runs like you know and and and we've both been on some sets your sets are different than anybody's time you have a good time different but from the moment you get on the set to the moment you leave the people on your set are super friendly yeah it's good when I most of them work we've been working

together yeah you know 10 15 years it's really important to me that when I know somebody and I go in that if the director is friends of mine or somebody important in that film is a friend of mine I go doubly perfect prepared yeah so the first time I booked my name is Earl I knew my lines forwards backwards I went in there straight but with weed in my bag and I still remember wearing camouflage shorts but my name is Earl shoot was like an 11 and I had to go to a meeting remember when I was making those stupid joy karate videos those were not stupid I had to go to some fucking meeting a meeting that was a

pot company or something so I wore against all my beliefs because if you look at any piece of my clothing there is never a piece of clothing with a pot anything on it I've never done that in my life I don't like my clothing I don't like psychedelic clothing but for that reason that shirt was so cool it was the first original California sign they made of reefer and it was a yellow shirt and it mixed with the camouflage shorts with white sneakers you're pimping so I take a shirt with me and I go I'll go to the meeting with this weed shirt on and then on the drive up to my name is Earl I'll switch t-shirts I was sold and they gave

me money I got so caught up with the video that I didn't realize I was walking with this weed t-shirt on till I hit the first AD and she goes cool shirt right and all of a sudden I'm on the trailer and I'm like what am I gonna do and my wardrobe wasn't in there so I went walking around and everybody started going crazy like everybody was like man fucking tremendous cool and with the minutes I smelled weed and I go I'm gonna cool fucking yeah okay yeah you will occasionally you also without a doubt consistently best food on set there though whatever trucks you're doing and whatever money you're spending you're

doing a Andreas oh so Andreas damn does it make good big different like good food on a set makes it big difference good food on a set makes it all work why but it shows you like that you that person that you're working for cares a little bit right there they're putting a little extra into it you're there so long yeah like 14 you know you only a few people will give you cards when you shoot or give you something him you know what gave me something that I cried and I still have it dick man like all right I shot one of his lifetime movies and he gave me a bottle of something wine after shave something with a little no thank

you for doing it handwritten that's the world it's great 69 yeah 469 a day I played a bookie and I cried every time I looked at it and he finally came to me goes why are you crying did you have a death and I go no you were the first guy I saw when I came from Cuba on TV I can't stop crying he was like really I gotta learn how to speak Spanish by watching he's like really English and he just became my and then his son was working it's those little things even when you work for Adam a year later he sends you like a blanket I still got my longest your blanket do you fuck yeah I take it to the beach all the time I got

a guestbook towel for you okay yeah a little blanket yeah yeah yeah give him out last night it's crazy how this thing came along called the $100 a day movie and people really took advantage of that and I'll never forget one night doing a pilot for aftra a pilot for after that was a hundred dollars a day I had two scenes but I told them I'll do it but I want cash because my drug dealer and what time is my call and what time am I getting out because my drug dealer closes at one you better have my money I'll never forget going up there the first night and they had nothing they had nothing what do you mean they had

the apple oh yeah yeah yeah those granola bars the next night I went up and it looked like the Taj Mahal because the after guy was there and I told the guy go big difference tonight and he goes what are you talking about I go last night didn't this is a pizza shop they didn't have pizza and he go he gave me his card and he goes from now on you want any set and they're missing it because I started talking to the guy thinking he was Josh mom yeah and the guy took a like and told me goes here take my car I work for after next time you go on a set there's no food call me fucking immediately so I became the guy whitey

bulger of oh yeah this movie that the director just recently passed away good guy oxy's got him or whatever got him good guy but I'll never forget like they told me when I got the movie that I was in over 21 days straight it's like I'm cool with that you know and the first day they're like you know you pay for your own lunch you got to go off the set hmm and I had just done spider-man too where they didn't give you lunch but they gave you 25 a day and they really did give you lunch yeah they really did give you lunch and I and after the second day I go can I ask you guys and there was nothing to eat I go can I ask you guys

quite like it started shooting on a Thursday so Thursday and Friday sent this out to the director and I go you really want us driving around if you only have 21 days to shoot this and he goes well that's the budget that we had so then we had to work Saturday and Sunday I came in bro now let me tell you something I'm shooting something on a Sunday I'm taking a man or a woman away from her family on a Sunday I'm gonna make it a little special yeah I'm gonna make it a little special yeah what I usually do plus some you know I'm saying and I'm gonna make it a short day I'm gonna make this like a three take a

scene day let's get Sunday why are we fucking around I'll never forget going there and at this time I was very quiet on sets I was a comic and I didn't like how comics would act on sets that they would try to steal the show so I learned to shut my mouth that there was no trailers it was you know isn't and they had names in this movie at the time but the main guy being the father and the fighter that's how I met him okay he lives right around the corner the father in the fire now he's on the fucking Broadway doing a play with Denzel I just bumped into him when he got back from New York he was in the movie and I

remember going no disrespect I've seen you on the show with Dennis Leary what's going on here and he was from the Bronx and he fueled my anger he was like I know they don't have no fucking food I've been in this business for 20 years nobody's ever sent me out for lunch and this was like we were out there like in scaryville how many days you supposed to be on the set so much 21 in a row all out in Silmar out in Silmar in a fucking stage sound with one it was it was a it was a true story it was about a meeting the most popular one on Radford it's Monday night well that's where if you want to sell a script you go up there

make believe you're an alcoholic because all the big-time directors and stuff go in there yeah like that's what seriously the guy who got this movie made was a guy who played an out he went to that meeting on Mondays got it networking and he would network it was all heavy-duty people Monday nights up there is everybody the guy from office and the gentleman do you suck dick all the black dude he's up there all the top have Hollywood heavy weights go up there yeah because it's their own little circle it's a true story in the 70s there was a robbery and the two people went into the meeting and hid in the meeting

and every and held everybody captive for 12 hours this guy found out about it wrote a story about it so when they got listen to the weirdest thing great Garcia when I did the episode with you of let's light them on fire yeah if you look at my tooth it's black people think that the makeup department did that was my cocaine habit okay the drip was already starting to eat this enamel on the tooth and I caught it and I gave it went to a dentist and dentists like it's gonna cost you it was a day before Christmas 1500 to do it I got 500 done I'll see you later but that black tooth was starting to rot yeah and on

that movie I did the table read over here next to a row aroma mm-hmm there's a little stage in there I did the table read there were some actors in that movie the chick that played the the mistress and good fellas was at the table read the guy from mission impossible it died was at the table read Jack was at the table read there was some big names mm-hmm I'm sitting at home this I gotta get this movie this role is me and they were like we'll call you you know and when the movie when I signed on it was $1000 a day plus 10 for your agent or something yeah they called me a year later like with the movies on but

it's a hundred a day and we want to take you out to lunch and they took me to some shitty Chinese joint in the valley and made me meet him like in Wilden Hills yeah and there was three producers and they sat me down this is the first time anybody had ever had the balls to say this to me we're talking and they go you know we want you for the role but there's only one problem we've heard about your drug problem and that is say nothing I go it doesn't affect who I am whatever they're like listen we're shooting 21 days in a row and everybody shoots in every scene if you're not there we can't shoot so before you make

a decision tell us yes we want you to go home and sleep on it yeah because we're gonna need you for 21 days straight what year is this this is 2007 this is when I quit coke and I went home and I was furious that my little secret was yeah I was fuck I was ready you're fucking on down whoever left my secret out it's obviously your pale you're cutting it with sour cream yeah one of my favorite jokes here is what are you cutting this shit with butter and it wasn't even my joke what's her name gave it to me she stole it who and the guy gave one after me and had a spittiness face at the improv then he died of cancer but before

he didn't know before he died had to do a movie with him and sit in the room with him all night we kept looking at him who who was it one night I'm at the comedy store doing this joke about cocaine and I'm I'm snorting coke every night and one night I forget what her name was who's I love her to death who's Luca Polanka's girlfriend wife Tammy Pascatelli Tammy Pascatelli comes up to me in a sweetheart away and she goes Joey you should say you're cutting your coke with butter yeah so 9 out of 10 for 20 years Greg I don't care who the fuck you are you come up to me with a tagline I'll tell you yeah yeah yeah but

I won't really use it yeah I'll think about it first something made me use it yeah it was funny it's funny something made me use it that's why and a fucking month later I'm getting threats from this comic this old-school Jewish comic but I stole his joke and I go bro I wasn't even around when you were doing that joke if any you kept on it and kept on it and every time he come to the improv he kept on and I'd see my commercial auditions and he would say shit to me and at that time I had my little addiction God forbid I smack in I go to jail for 24 hours I go crazy I just want to snort coke sticks and

stones will break my bones if I stole your joke I stole your joke and I didn't steal his joke I swear to mercy I didn't steal his joke and one night I went into the improv had like $18 too short to get a 20 when I would smack in the fucking mouth remember at the improv and the old improv the checks would be up yeah so you could go to the checks and I check remember how many checks Drew Carey had there Drew Carey in there oh my god we would just take two Drew Carey checks deposit 30 bucks I went in there like with $18 $2 short of a 20 and I had to go up on stage and I found out they weren't paying me that night it was one

of those deals when I walked in there and that guy came up to me and he squared up on me he was you stole my joke dog we're gonna end this tonight and I before I just looked at him and spit this fucking face and it almost knocked him over he went backwards he couldn't believe nobody's ever spitting my face well come close to me and I went on stage and he created a campaign that I stole the fucking joke but by the way but by the way all this shit but no by the way it's a joke so the odds of somebody else well he was a coke fiend yeah and that's the company's doing those days as I'm sure somebody else in the

80s wrote it to you know he's we had this war at the improv they have to hold them back they got to hold me back I pushed the manager the whole fucking deal I get suspended for 30 days whatever and I got a call from Nick's Watson and he goes do you want to be in this movie I'm doing like yeah I'll be down there sadly guess who's in the trailer next to me no yeah the guy's spitting his face oh no and we're in the same scene together no don Johnson and some other guy movies so in between takes what's the worst movie what poor kid rotten tomatoes almost went under grandma's boy yeah well as well as well

is the the porn one the porn one Nikki Walt is what oh yeah I was in that and that got rotten fucking tomatoes like they they almost gave his money back he couldn't even the bank of America with cash is checking with that movie's terrible but he poor but I go in there on a Saturday morning and my scene is with this guy he's supposed to like each other and I went up to Nick's Watson like a man and Adam they go come in for a second I told Adam and Adam like he loves all that shit Adam saying loves all that shit like Adam wait what's the scene though do you guys like each other do you hate each other promoter is

showing us his movie and we have to agree to it and so your buddies you me and him are producers yeah and Lee is showing us porn to sell and the movie ends and I look at you know I'm like I can't even see a clip like the agent called me and said I can't even read the lines to you they're so bad so we had a I had a walk in with Don Johnson and sit next to this fucking moron and the whole time he was talking shit like once they broke us for lunch he kept telling Nick Swanson that guy stole my joke and at one point out of town at that point he had a guy like working with him because he was telling people you spit in his

face oh yeah he's got no class he spent my face and I'll spit in your fucking face again keep it up cocksucker I was crazy you know yeah yeah then the guy got like throat cancer and died good Lord so I thought yeah so how good do I feel what happened to the woman that told you to say that I went she got in the middle and she stuck up for me and you know whatever and then but the guy didn't believe her the guy just had it out the guy just wanted to pick a fight yeah so that's it he got cancer so were you wishing cancer are like no I didn't wish nothing for all I wanted was for him to leave me to fuck alone okay you

know he went on remember he went on last comic towards the end he did okay he was an old guy and he went on that comic the one year he came in 16 so now that gave him some plug so I walk into the improv and he wants to fucking pick a fight with me and I'm like dog I just want to go home pick up my 20 and go home with the cats you know I went in the comedy store I went to the you know the bathrooms in the main room yeah I haven't been in those bathrooms apparently since what when we used to that we used to the main room used to be empty the woman's bathroom yeah the woman's bad that main room is no no the men's room

when you were going that through that little hallway and you take a left right away and that's between the original yeah but that room used to be the main room used to be empty most nights but and but that was the bathroom that everybody went to do coke and I hadn't been in that bathroom since because I don't use the main room bathroom because it was it's it used to be basically set up for us to do coke those bathrooms yeah it because nobody was using that bathroom except me and you and probably Schubert and the back piano in the main room that was for cocaine yeah but I would go back there by myself and

I would hear fucking spirits so I would not snorkeling what the basement to do then no but I never went to the basement to snorkeling there's no reason the basement help the hell yeah yeah and the woman's bathroom is the best at the comedy store in the main room because they have a little couch you can sit her down you can sit it down and rub her back and let her tell you about her problems while you do some cocaine and then suck a laminate you know what I'm saying next thing you know you're naked in there and the fucking it's they really do they have like a little cow yeah yeah yeah the bathroom that brings

me I've been going to the comedy store for 21 years and nothing brings me a better memory than the belly room bathroom Josh at the time had a child and he was involved with this woman that was how we didn't make a show for her at the time a reality show yeah he was the real deal she had everybody by the balls and she was a gorgeous woman she was 40 pounds overweight and she was still I remember her coming in a month after she had Jacob into the union and every man in the room looked at it she was voluptuous she had a face so her and Josh are going through some stuff and one night Josh you know Josh is has at

that time Josh had a weird sense of humor he had a different type of sense of humor was a little darker yeah so I guess it was a little darker yeah she gets home one night at six in the morning and Josh yells out and she has a heart attack and takes fucking 20s annexes and she falls over and Josh is like you're gonna die because I can't pick you up you know like Josh is just saying nasty things to her then the ambulance came and they tried to pull her out Josh is like I'm telling you you're not gonna get her out that door because she was a voluptuous woman like just tremendous knockers she was big big face and she

didn't give a fuck no she didn't wear a mini skirt she didn't care she didn't care now like you have to give her like if if I have to put a list of most memorable people in my life she's in the top 20 at that point whatever happened between them was whatever but for that time she really would make you laugh from time to time not from time to time she was funny she was funny she was funny there was a guy she was funny I remember she used to take $20 out of his ATM machine every day listen if you want to piss Josh I've always said that they should do another fear factor and taking Jew and hold them back like hold and like

put a gun to their father says their father's head but then take the ATM machine and take the thing and take that money out and cut the 20s in half and if watching you just go crazy like ah she would take a 20 she she talked Josh into taking it into her giving him a credit card with her name on it like so they could split the household duties but she was taking on a 24 lunch every day she did clerical work I could spit in his face and he wouldn't get his mad at that 20 he got so mad at that 20 you remember you remember that best bits of his life was about that 20 he said you know what that's like that's 140 a week

that's 280 a month that's 560 a month that's you know I'm gonna you know I'm gonna turkey burgers I could eat he had like a bit about I would say that and then I would ask him for a 20 just to fucking destroy him yeah like because that's the lie he would go on the come in those days you didn't go on the computer because here's your fucking machine and find out you were broke but you didn't even know you were broke that you got but you Joe you're missing the I was making a thousand dollars a month a month so $20 a day was huge a lot of fucking money he was getting pissed his face would get red like I mean turkey

burgers and fucking beans and she's not shake she would order fucking to go at this clerical job and she would bring stuff home and that's what she was eating and everybody was tormenting him the brother the brother couldn't pay rent but he ordered every night from what's that place sancu chicken sancu chicken the fucking mix bowl it smelled like 10 Hindus in the apartment that's when I would leave I don't give a fuck I gotta go and then one night he was getting tortured from all over I'm living with him mooching off him the chick is taking 20 a day and then there's long distance calls to

Compton and the only person who knows black people is you remember that you walk into an argument in the house one night and he's like I didn't call Crenshaw it was a child's crunch and that day they charge you had to pay anything outside that area like 55 that bill and you just see like 10 cents 12 right yeah just add it up so we had a black girlfriend in Crenshaw and I'll never forget Josh we're going like wait a second wait a second Jonathan you're trying to sit there I'm walking into this like excited I got a $20 bag of coke I'm taking Josh with me Malia's gonna babysit you know we're out and Josh is

like so you're trying to tell me you you got a black girlfriend but you're not calling Crenshaw and he would sit there and go yeah just cuz I have a black girlfriend doesn't know I know any other black people and it was just fucking hysterical do you remember the other part I go I go you teach at Crenshaw high school yeah it was a study it's not you you're not making that call he's like still not me and I'm like okay well that's a pretty strong denial I mean what else to say yeah but I was the craziest alright he would deny it to this day he would deny it to the which I respect yeah yeah yeah once you want

you once he's in he's in but you know what here's the thing is that like when there's a lot okay a friend of mine just came to my show in Boston and when we were like 14 years old there was one of these big town tennis tournaments and we were in it and we ended up playing each other and you got a referee your own match he's been cheating the whole time whatever so match point I serve he swings any misses and he goes do over and I'm like what do you mean and he goes do over I go why what do you need to do over for he goes you didn't see that butterfly I go what and he goes that butterfly I go I didn't want to hit it

with my racket we gotta do a do-over and I since names and time I go and time there's only two of us here one of us is lying like that we were both looking at where the ball was how can you look at my face and tell me there was a butterfly and he just you know he just he goes do over butterfly and I was like yeah because I'm like you with it he's never gonna I know guys like that are just never gonna break they're never gonna say there was no butterfly yeah and there was only two of us there what how'd you do on the do-over I beat the fucking crazy argument and then we leave so this one night Malia has been going

out and not coming home till six and Josh is on his last row and Josh yells other one night and she eats a bunch of Xanax and she's she doesn't she can't even write the note and she passes out and Josh has to call 911 I go over there Josh calls me and says did you see her I go I thought I saw like a two you always from Malia yeah but I didn't see her at six I had no money in those days to be starting cook till six and if I had I'd be by myself so he goes last night she ate a bunch of pills or she didn't ask but they pumped the stomach cheeseburger came out spare ribs you know she ate at some fucking 20 so it's like it's

Thursday morning with it's Tuesday morning when this happens so when you try to commit suicide they hold you for 48 hours like there's a legal hold on mm-hmm well Wednesday night I'm outside standing in the hall at the comedy store outside where my name is and who do I see walking into the comedy show but Malia and she walks right up to me like nothing happened like I didn't hear about what happened yet me a hug and says where's the dude with the coke and I go you just like I tried to explain to her like you just and she got money so she goes she she knew the guy she gets the packages she goes where

can we do a bump I go we have to go upstairs Malia and the whole walk on the way up I'm trying to get out like what happened but I don't have the balls to ask her yeah so we finally get to the bathroom she empties the whole five packages out like it's just a fucking little mound and she's chopping it up with an ATM card and I finally whose name was on that ATM card she takes a gram and it was like Chewy would give you six twenties for a hundred in those days so it was like a gram it was like a gram point two that's a lot of coke and she cut it into two lines I looked at it I go Malia before

you do that can I ask you a question weren't you just in an insane asylum and she goes yeah and I go why are you out and she goes I talked them out of it yeah and she said something to me she goes I talked them out of it I'm not crazy and with that she just did the whole line of coke yeah and that is every time I go to the belly room to do a show that memory comes back to me of her going you're looking at me and going I'm not crazy yeah you just did a fucking half a gram in one line and you're sitting there telling me am I crazy you guys should I show about this yeah that's my memory that you're open about

scene right there every time I go to the belly room I sit in that boot and I still remember that ladies bathroom that's when there was no shows in the belly yeah there was nothing during the week it was just the original so you could smoke coke in the main room or the belly room so your heart was and witches upstairs belly room she yeah man she you didn't take the car away here's the crazy thing she was the one making money we had decided because she I was like I'm gonna have to go out at night and perform so I can't work during the day and go out at night I'll take care of the kids you get a job and then I'll go

out at night which she preferred anyways yeah so that was easy it just you know she was doing a coke at work though dude yeah with that dude what you do what boss yeah the boss that's right boss yeah and one of the yeah yeah and a girl they were had a boss yeah that was in the coke and then she the boss is buying coke that's how she was getting some of her coke yeah I think so and what did they do she worked in an insurance office something like that yeah something like that she worked maybe an insurance office but it was I mean it wasn't my healthiest relationship I hope not no it gets better than Josh Wolf launched a

company a peanut butter and jelly corporation yeah I've heard about yeah I still are with $250 yeah it is outstanding tab because he had you lose yeah you ate the shit he would come back over the street yeah oh I can't you know and you drink you who's like a mother I'm surprised it's only three to be honest oh he was you just had a cooler and you moved around town right or with a page man yeah and then we would make the sandwiches in the apartment and we got shut down by the health board really yeah because can't make sandwiches at house not on the ground my kids were putting I'm surprised to get found out

we were doing like we were doing all right you're doing well yeah not well but enough like when you're making a thousand dollars a month if you add an extra $400 that's a lot yeah you know so and I was trying to get air conditioning for my Saturn you remember that fucking car it had no air conditioning and the same Bernard used to ride in it so you could either ride with the windows down but the air there was like a tornado of hair yeah and so you would get out and look like a wookie you know I mean or you could roll up the windows but if you rolled up the windows it's hot as oh yeah and you're in there with the same

Bernard and the kids sometimes I think you some of them got so hot they just passed out like sometimes I'd be sweating in the car and I'd look in the back and they were just all asleep I'm like man I hope I'm not doing bad shit to their brains right now one time we took that car like Abbas and there was couldn't be covered in hair you gotta save this for one of your TV shows yeah we took that car to Lake Havasu no air conditioner it's a hundred and fourteen last hour we got the sunroof open and the windows open just living on more man and all the fucking flies and mosquitoes yeah and there's a little

vizine bottle there when we get there was stoned to the gills and fucko here decides to put the vizine in his eyeballs it was a hundred and eight oh he's like I remember that and then I had the handicap room remember and I didn't have a shower with a head I had to sit down in the shower and it shot water at my chest and there was a snake in my fucking room it was and that gig wasn't Brian Dunkelman with us that we had wasn't Brian first of all you're ready Lee's cuz Lee's getting into comedy I just want to drop it on all right it was 150 for the night yeah and you had to drive down and you got 150 so

you already lost 80 in gas yeah yeah like it's force it was five down and five back you had to go over to London Bridge yeah 150 150 that last weekend we went we got them for 250 because it was dirty white people weekend that's right it was the weekend when everybody goes down and they jump from boat to boat and you can see the Chlamydia of Sluts did we have to discuss did we have to judge something we had a judge and do and we like that beached out on it the funny thing was that what did you judge like a bikini contest and something stupid but that was an ugly weekend yeah because his cousin Scott had a party on that

street Scott was living with your other brother and they were living in Hollywood towards Mimi's cafe up the corner type by that neighborhood by the Jewish neighborhood to be no Gary Gary and Gary Gary and Danny and Danny no it was Scott I think and then they were living there cuz we went over there one night and we listened to Santana and we went there one night and the cops came at two in the morning we were all gacked up and Scott went to the door it was like Ferri de ever since Scott went to the door into the cops he was on party of five he's signing autographs and the cops went away we had to be in the

Havasu at 12 so it was two in the morning we got fucking six grams of blown like what are we gonna do you want to snort those six let's just drive all night and we left we stopped somewhere we got a bunch of beers Carol the stripper may you Brian don't come in had to be like eight of us and three of us were performing yeah we were getting four hotel rooms and three hotel rooms so somebody had a share yeah you could and with the hundred fifty dollars hundred fifty I think they pay they only paid for one meal right when you were performing in the bar yeah and so you got it and if you drank you blew your

mum yeah it was it like if you found your break even what do you mean if you drank there's no way you're going to one of those gigs and it was one of those gigs there was a lot of those gigs in fact I just watched that movie where you go to the gig and the waitress would ask you what you wanted and you're like I'll take a beer and bring Leah beer and all of a sudden at the end of the night you get paid they give you a tap and you're like what's this for oh you're burnt drinking you're like the waitress asked me if I wanted something yeah I'm saying like you were the guest I thought you were the guest and they're like no it was

like the Blues Brothers now we got to pay for a beer right here yeah you know like you gotta pay you you pay was 250 but the band drank 280 so I'd appreciate like that used to have like I did this room one time in St. Louis with Jody oh shit she was the feature act I think they're paying like 500 bucks 400 bucks it was a Yoda room but she's a fucking boozer and I kept telling her buy a bottle at the bar and drink it in your room not her she would be at the bar and I'll remember Sunday night she was crying and I go what are you crying about and she goes I owe them 72 dollars I go what do you think those fucking beers were for

free yeah you know a bar will give you two beers usually to use them to give you two tickets once they see you're an Alki they're like turn on the light bro yeah seven dollars of cocktail we don't give a fuck there's no there's no comic discount the last club I went to I forget where it was where they said so you get soft drinks for free and everything on the menu half off and I was like what about bottled water and they said no that you gotta pay for water soft drinks and where was that but I said to the guy right when he said it to me I said this will be the last time I perform here it was the first and last but he was like

why do you say that I was like that's not man that's not like I have to pay for water and he goes well I have to pay for it I said yeah but you know you're the only club in the country that makes people pay for water and he was like that can't be true I'm like that is so fucking true there's a there's a refrigerator filled with water when you walk into a room but dude was stood fast to it soft drinks half off the menu it was crazy he wouldn't even like not even a drink if I was if I was like can I get a shot Saturday late I'm gonna do a shot with a crowd charge me for it was fucking crazy but I never I can't like

you know here's the thing when I go to on a gig the hotel you put me up in tells me a lot about how you want our relationship to be you know what I mean let's get that very first time you go if they didn't spend the 20 extra dollars that I know it would cost to put me in just a one step up so that's an extra 60 dollars three nights if they don't want to spend that then that tells me something about okay yeah you know how you're perceived by how you're being treated and this is how we're starting the relationship you know I mean yeah and so a lot of times I'm like okay and that also judges that tells me down the

road like you sometimes you have club owners sometimes you have club owners ask you for favors and there's some guys I'll do anything for and there's some guys that know yeah because right off the bat they told you what they think of you know what I mean yeah I'm sure that happens in your yeah people treat you a lot different than what they treat you now yeah oh yeah sure yeah but I also came up like I started as you know the lowest getting scripts and lunches and all that stuff so for the most part people were nice to me so as soon as I you know when I got the opportunity to be nice you got you got to was there ever

set you were on when you were at that spot where you were that that said that person ran a set where you were like that's how I'm gonna run a set I mean I think I took I tried to take the best things from different people because you see things because nobody's perfect and somebody come work for me and go okay well I'm gonna do that but I'm not gonna do that you know that as you work for people running shows that's how you kind of do it you could it's not like just good and bad you just collect you see what's working and what's not working and then you kind of adapt all that I think why do you think then some people make

their sets so tense I don't know it's so crazy to me because you can walk on to a set and then people are just and they're not happy to be there I guess if they're you know a lot of times people get behind on these sets you know they get they get behind and now it's super stressful and you don't know if you're gonna have something next week and bubba and I can't I cannot ever let myself get anywhere near being behind or I'll feel that anxiety then so I'm like no I gotta I gotta stay ahead of this and then I think it's it from there you can be more relaxed I think a lot of it sometimes is that well you're dude you're

up you're no you're up at like four or five in the morning sometimes right yeah sometimes I like to get early yeah yeah like you you I remember I asked you because you don't live necessarily close to your office and I was like how's traffic and you're like I don't know I'm in my car 4 a.m. yeah what you get there pretty quick in there for it so just to write it but you're there six hours before anybody else yeah those on the on those single camera shows I did that because because then I could look at what they did the day earlier in the in the writers room and I can read through it and put notes and whatever

else and then give it back to them when they come in and then I can go to set because you can't be in two places at one time and a lot of times somebody's running a show they want to be in the room and they want to be on the floor watching you know the acting and everything making sure that's getting getting done the way they want it to and then people in the room are just waiting and so then that's when you get these terrible hours so I would just get up early and go back and forth that is it so because in writer's room sometimes you're waiting for the you you know whoever you are yeah unless you

have instructions yeah you know what's going on then you but if you're waiting for notes sometimes it's like you can just be sitting in front of your at your desk just waiting for hours yeah yeah so you get up early do the work and so ever because you want to get everybody again though dude not keeping people there for 16 hours if you don't have to makes people happier to show up to fucking set you know what I mean yeah and also like I'd notice like some writing writing rooms you go in there and you don't know what you're doing all day long so you just fuck around because you don't know you're gonna be here

till 2 in the morning anyway you know it and whereas otherwise if you just give them instructions at the beginning of the day they're like alright as soon as we get this done we're home so then they see an endless you know they have better hours because they get out of there they don't stand around while people tell stories for like you know four hours or anything like that let's get going let's get going there's not as much gambling with dice in the corner what do you do now now so now you sit you wait to see if you get picked up do you do any writing at all what do you have I'll probably proactively be starting

to think about season three the guest book just hoping that you know something comes of it and the good thing about that show is every episode is different so even if I come up with like three or four stories for season three and they don't do it I could use those stories someplace else because they're just you know they're just random standalone stories how many stories did you write for this season 10 did 10 scripts well I like how many did you have oh yeah how many did how how big is your catalog oh from from the stories that I left in guest books only three of them this season are in season two and then the

rest of my just sit down and come up with do you like it more writing these that are standalone episodes but they also have through lines they do a little bit they have through lines they watched the whole thing yeah they have through lines so do you prefer that or do you like writing the show like Earl they kind of had definitely had a through line I like right now I like this one I like this one because it just the fact that you can do absolutely anything from one episode to the next episode yeah you know and and then you know then they're all written to and you can be shooting them and you're thinking like okay like we got to

this one episode Joey Joey was in Joey's in two episodes and the first one he was in I didn't know he was gonna be in the one later and then I was writing that part and then I would gave him a little backstory so it would make sense let me ask you this what are we gonna do because I'll put up 500 yeah but we gotta figure out a way to let people guess what I did here's gonna be the episode here's gonna be the problem with this they aired it as a sneak peek last night they showed me already yeah doing it yeah so so so they showed it that the real premiere is next Tuesday on the 23rd but they did show something

after baseball like way after baseball after the post game they put it on nobody said nothing I saw like one thing on Twitter they somebody had a frozen screen oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I don't even think it's like a really a spoiler to say what you're doing no because nobody all right I won't say all right okay all right I'm proud of my work yeah you should be proud of your work how many how many days I don't know we will just laugh three more than I wanted oh my god we had a blast I just laugh I love you know I did a movie with I did an all-star movie about that Howard Hughes guy flies what I yeah and it had

like Alec Baldwin and everyone else did it and I gotta tell you something that was the most uncomfortable set really just tense it was just too much too much like once you have too many stars in the movie see what the name of the movie is wait till you see this line what was your first one baseball yeah I remember when you booked that and I had no idea what I was doing yeah I remember when you booked that but they were so big at the time they were just blown up oh my god when you also did it Alec Baldwin yeah Alec Baldwin it's just looking at IMDB Joe Diaz no I'm talking I didn't show for me when you booked that first movie where you um did you have time to enjoy it and be excited about it or did you get nervous right away

great Garcia I didn't know what I was doing yeah you have no idea not to know what you're doing yeah so was it instant anxiety the first thing I booked was an industrial I booked a movie in Colorado that's still floating around that one win award I hit a I throw a guy in a trunk of a car it was based off me the girl knew me a father knew me that's funny so she wrote smiley face do you have did you get a copy of it no 2015 oh 2016 fly away something and I went to I told these guys that I came here to shoot a CBS pilot that started with six pages of dialogue yeah and every time I would go to rehearse I would lose another page until I shot the pilot where I was basically a deaf mute

because I had no idea what I was doing yeah there was no formal acting there was no just thrown right into the fire right and I took uh whatever in high school improv my freshman year that's it I didn't know nothing and then I didn't know about acting classes 200 a month I'm snorting coke I got no time for that 200 a month and then I booked baseball I remember I went to NYPD blue for a guest star audition there's a coke dealer nine pages and I remember they stopped me after three and they were like that's great thank you for coming in yeah but it was a Bosco building so it was oh it's a mile walk in those days those days if you read for NYPD blue you had to read the Bosco building all the way they must have hated Steven Bosco look up Alec Baldwin

okay it's not on your thing all right look up Alec Baldwin okay and look up what movies he did in 2016 whatever you had to be excited for him when he got that moves oh we were all really excited when he got that move it was 5500 a week yeah in but they were because they were that was right around also right after that fucking VHS with santa fighting jesus do you remember that yeah that was their VHS and then South Park was like crushing it and they came out with that movie and we were all like oh he's gonna be a star yeah I wanted for NYPD blue and as I was walking down the hallway as soon as I hit the end Libby Goldstein opened the door and it was such a coincidence that I had a shirt Paris can wait with string no with strings on it and she goes are you here for

the audition yeah and she gave me something and she goes you got two minutes and I read it and I went back and read it and I didn't think and I was living in what's now the when people come from other countries the hostel the hostel it used to be a $6 hotel on Schrader yeah in the middle I was staying there and then it was like the phone call from Rocky like is there anybody in the building named Diaz Joe Diaz I had to run down to the pay phone and it was my manager and he's like hey man you booked a baseball it's three weeks 5500 a week but you got a joint sag 1250 yeah I'm like who's got 1250 and I called Danny Robinson I told him my dilemma he wasn't even my agent still doing it and he called yeah he's got the hottest act in Hollywood yeah yeah still doing it oh yeah yeah

crazy is that good friend he had he called the production company and made him pay for the sag and I went on there I told the story a thousand times I was pure fucking jumped up yeah so they had roller skates on the set and they had a truck full of roller skates so I went to the truck one day and I saw a size 14 and I just took it walked out like nothing put it in my car and I stopped at Swiss chalet one of those hard one of those and I walked in like I got these here for Christmas and the guy's looking at me there was no computers then there was no beep yeah yeah yeah I was like I don't think we had them here maybe I could have put them in the store let me look it up the guy comes back and he goes I think they're like 289 would you take cash

yeah why not yeah so pretty soon I was going on this set every day and just stealing a pair of roller skates every day the ones that they would give me to go I would go get and go back to the same place it's different there was a different ski show I remember the day you told me the story about getting Christmas presents at Target because before computers he would pick up like a big blanket and you know something else and then he would walk them up and bring it right to the return counter and be like I got those as a gift there you go and then that's how he'd buy the Christmas presents way before the system came along yeah the one year I was broke I never forget going into Toys R Us with nothing that's what I was with my daughter and I would just

take like a 300 dollar stencil yeah and go up to the front and go I got this for Christmas and they would go you have a receipt no because from December 15th to Valentine's Day though on everything yeah receipt yeah it's gifts yeah they're gifts we definitely bought it here you know but I would do I would get that Jeffrey money I remember Christmas day I walked in there with no money and I walked out there with a bike like a toy just returning things that never left the store well it didn't affect them I mean they're doing great she's like dad you're a magician I was doing it to so many people in 1945 like I used to hang out in front of a Kmart and wait for people to walk out for receipts to blow oh that's right I'll never forget one time

I found the receipt for a $400 loan more yeah so I couldn't go back and then get it so I drove to Longmont Colorado to the Kmart there went right up with the went to an assistant in the loan department go hey where's this loan more he goes it's right there and I went right over and they hauled it over the thing and they go my wife just got me this I got one here's the receipt I got one and he gave me 400 plus tax and I walked out of there I was doing that everywhere yeah it was like a little and then the first people suspect me I was doing it on the road yeah I was doing it on triple runs I would go to triple runs and steal a tent and then put it back and they give me $179 for the fucking tent so I would bring them back and I got a loan they finally caught me an Idaho

Falls and how'd they catch you they caught me because they caught me on the computer okay they caught me after they gave me the cash they arrested me they gave me a ticket and then they let me loose and everyone back so there's a warrant an Idaho Falls all right and I got a call this week to go to Blackfoot no Idaho Idaho yeah to do a movie and the guy goes you're gonna have to fly into Salt Lake then into Idaho Falls and right there the conversation ended I go listen I got something you're a no how crazy is that it's funny that I was just a serial shoplifter that wouldn't even walk out of the store yeah you were a magician at a seven left so I would come to Josh's house and go what are you doing tonight he's like I'm going out with some chicks we're gonna get an A-ball

what do I need 100 I'll be back in an hour and I would shoot to the mall in Boulder and there was all there was a made DNF made DNF they had $300 blankets and then something happened that really fucking I started making big money express on machines once the express on machine came out with the combination cappuccino yeah they were 400 I was doing two three a day and you know you just walk right and grab it right to the right to the register so today I would go to Accentury City Wednesday I would go to Willing Hills Thursday I would even like I would even get fucking crazy let's go to San Diego eat a steak on the way back and get a whole thumb room like I would just go to anywhere they had now you'd need your role of those stickers yeah they hit you with

when you come in you'd be walking around with one of those in a holster just walking around the that's because of me I got so good I never forget one day I made 1700 bucks and I got so high on weed and I walked into the comedy works this was while I was a comic in the beginning but not getting spots I paid to see somebody and I never forget I was so high that I took the money out and put it on the counter and paid the guy and I sat down I left $1,700 on the counter and I came back and I left my money and I know you didn't and I'm like you motherfuckers rob me but it was like nothing I'm like I'll go get another $1,700 come on and I woke up the next day and stole four coffee machines it was crazy great guys it was just it got to the point where I would get

coked up at night and I was making notes I was going to contact all these companies and explain to them how I could do security for them like on six like I wanted to be on 60 minutes they would have put you in jail but that's the thing I would have broken their system everybody wants to know how you break their system if I come to you and say josh will if I come in peace yeah I robbed $11 million from you last year you're like no you didn't let me give you the proof yeah and I say to you this is how I robbed it and this is how other people are robbing you you're gonna be interested in what I got to say to you don't you think they call the cops no no no now if you're gonna stop water great guys I'm good no you need a water I just want to clarify one thing isn't every one

of the companies you stole from now bankrupting gone that's what happened we just found yeah seers is the only one I know when I was on I'm bail for kidnapping seers we put their CDs right by the door yeah when I was a kid there was a seers in North Bergen there was also a seers in richard park and they had car stereos that they were put by the door if there was a hundred car stereos I swear to my mother's grave I stole 98 every day I walked out of there with a car stereo so I'm on a hot on bail for kidnapping and the hottest album is that Bruce Springsteen 4cd kit with him with the guitar yeah 87 maybe 88 I don't know what year I don't even know dog I was stealing those every day 4995 but the cd store in town will give me $25

I was going in I'm out on kidnapping bail for kidnapping and I'm going in every day putting stock in all the cds together and at one point I would just pick up a stack of cds and walk out of the came us seers and go to my car and go up on the hill and sell the fucking cds and I get 150 for the day that's enough for me in those days and one day fucking I set it up and I'm walking out of there and I hear hey you stop and it's the skinny black security guard and they got a cart and I start running and I'm throwing cds at the guy he's done got a cart and in those days I could run I was still not heavy I had to be 27 28 I'm out on bail and I'm dodging the dog I'm dodging I'm fucking jumping over trees I'm like oh jay and every two minutes I throw another cd out of his

ship I must I must add 20 cds yeah so they got me for finally a cop car pulled over and I'm like I'm fucked and they asked me what my name was and I lied completely like I would get out of Congo Rob but I believed my license and everything in the car I would never go in there with ID so I could be whoever all right so by the way good note who do you think you do yeah yeah that's actually this is a long time yeah yeah I never had a night day even if I had an idea I didn't have a night day well by the way I knew you for a couple of years yeah I don't know your business what's my name is don't worry about so they took me to jail and I went under the impression I gave him I told him I was somebody else this is the funniest guestbook ever I walk into the jail I

had just been in there for a month and a half you know yeah I had the place I was running the Kool-Aid scam so I walk into the county jail everybody's like Joey oh shit it's party time now the card had I can't tell you the alias I use well let's just say I used the alias Josh Wolfe the fingerprint card had Josh Wolfe on it no it had Josh Wolfe on it and the cop was still calling me Joey so Joey how you doing and I'm like when is this cop gonna look up and see that I'm using a different name they fucking fingerprinted me which there's no good because NCIC will give them the report in a few days but it wasn't now yeah like now I fingerprint you in ten two seconds well they know you come up yeah in those days I had to send that off and depending on what crime

you did it could take 30 days yeah so I don't forget I gave him the fingerprinting put me in the cell now I had to get out you got to produce an ID I go I lost my ID my ID got someone well somebody has to come in here and say who you are so I called my girlfriend at the time and I'm like hey it's Josh Wolfe and she's like what are you talking about it's Josh Wolfe I'm in Bowman County jail but I wouldn't even let her say Joey what are you talking about it's Josh Wolfe I took down a date a couple nights ago you're in Boulder County jail come down here and identify me I get out and she came down they bought the whole story and they let me out as Josh Wolfe and me being the loyal guy that I am I went to court as Josh Wolfe he was a dear friend of mine

the day I gave he's a dear friend of mine I grew up with him and I so I went to court did the volunteer work paid the fine asked somebody else and I went on probation for six months and somebody else I go back home and I bump into him and we're talking at dinner one night he goes did I ever tell you somebody use my ID I'm not around oh man that is and the volunteer service the volunteer I did was working at the age unit for some reason I go I want to do it the age unit and they made me go to the age unit in town downtown and painted but because at that time gay guys were getting with age were so getting ridiculed there was 87 yeah people were still throwing bottles at him and shit

there was a cop there this is a funny this is how life works we were having a conversation last night about God two nights ago or something and I said that I don't believe there is a God but there's situations that lead you to places where you got to think back and go there might not be a God but there's something so every day I would go to paint the wall there was a cop there with a holster first couple days he treated me like a criminal that I was but after that he started talking to me and he noticed I had a heart and he had a heart and when I finished painting after the 60 hours of community service guy turned to me one day and he goes you ever have a problem in this town you call me he goes I

know you made a mistake and he gave me his card and I kept in touch with him you know me though I'm relentless I would call him once a week and say what's up everything's good so when I went through my divorce I started calling him and I'm like she's not giving me the kid and he would calm me down and blah blah blah blah blah and one day I had two felonies and my ex-wife's boyfriend called me a speck and I go I could either go to jail or let this guy keep calling me a speck like you know what I'm gonna go to jail have my friend send me the fax machine and I'll write jokes for Jay Leno this isn't where my head was in 1995 so I fucking smack the guy at a safe way and the cops came and who was the cop that came the guy and he came right to me and took my story

first and the other cop was like we got to put him away and the guys like he ain't going nowhere he called him a speck we're in the city limits of Boulder you can't use a racial slur in the city limits of Boulder it's a free smack to the mouth free smack to the mouth because in 1988 a chick called JJ Flanagan the n-word and he smacked her and he got away with it because it's it was instinct yeah so they didn't charge me but that cop that's how that's why I say there's gotta be something out there because that cop the other guys holding his face with a nice pack usually a cop goes to him yeah he came right to me and I told him oh there's the motherfucker that's been fucked with me for the last two years and I couldn't take him no more and he got what he got and I even put

my hands on he goes relax you ain't gonna know it and the other guy was like a white cop and he listened to the story oh he struck him he was like my boy's not going nowhere and then when they sent people to break my ribs at that time and they came oh yeah they hit my dog with a two by four I got the one guy and I hit him that's the cop I called I got a guy here with a broken rib cage and fucking I just took my foot in his mouth what do you want me to do with him he goes I'll be there in 10 minutes yeah and he came over and we took a rapper like like paint rapper for the floor we put him in the trunk of a police car and there was no cameras in those days we threw him out by the ambulance in Boulder that cop was solid I still remember his name he was solid solid solid yeah

didn't ask no question I told him the truth I go I was watching the ESPN a football game and I let my dog out because in those days I had a remote control I would just open the garage and the dog would go outside and I heard them hit the dog I came down two guys jumped me and I grabbed one of them and kicked them and hit him with a two by four and I kicked them in the mouth and I could hear his teeth crack and it was tremendous so I couldn't down nine one one I'd just been on probation yeah so I called him like a man I go dirty these guys jump me handle it he goes I'll be right over there and he came over and he kicked the guy in the stomach we booked them up we put them in the trunk we left it open and we just drove them to the

ambulance and dropped them off in the back of emergency so they wouldn't even see him and he goes don't ever say anything to anybody that was it he's probably dead now he was an old man but my secret died with him until right now until now who the fuck is all those people dead great Garcia you did it again another masterful fucking tv show for me is next Tuesday next Tuesday we got you in the first man the first one on the 23rd yeah and then a week later on the 30 two weeks later two weeks later you'll be in the fourth one yeah Jesus Christ yeah yeah so on the 30th my netflix special comes out okay so then we got shit going on for a few weeks and you just got a special you released a special it's on my website

comedianjohnsworld.com it's called father of the year it's five dollars five hours comedian josh well that's it nobody knows mine yeah yeah yeah yeah five I guess that feeling no you spent five dollars on the fucking subway now get the same yeah you still got $15 from your husband for lunch exactly he's good to go I like breaking it up I see how how mad he gets he would talk about it constantly and like I would ask him for 20 bucks like I would say can I get a 20 and he would like look at me like really like really like 20 was you couldn't even say the number 20 round you can say 1948 you know who won the Lotto last 1964 she because 33 2020 let me tell you about fucking 20 it was because I remember I just remembered the joke you know what the joke was

hmm wasn't the one where because she called me a Jew remember she was like it's 20 dollars a day you Jew she called me a Jew because I was saying 20 dollars a day it's not a big deal but at the end of that's 30 days in a month that's $600 $600 is a big deal $20 not a big deal and she was like you just count that much because you're a Jew and I was like you think I count because I'm a Jew and she goes yeah I go well you're Asian you want me to say it so you'll understand she said yeah I said that are you are spending too much of money you're not spending no more I don't know how this relationship didn't work yeah she hated that joke you are spending too much money and no spending no more she fuck if I tell you some she's the reason I don't eat Thai food yeah

because she would never wash the dishes and there was always flies she hated washing dishes dog yeah if that bitch had a washing dish it would kill her and they would kill josh well every time you saw josh he was washing dishes yeah because josh wouldn't take it no more they would be how long did this last yeah man well 20 fucking years yeah 20 years of abuse no it was 20 how old is jakey yeah but how old is jakey 21 so it was 19 18 years when you got when you got your first deal she sent you a note that she wanted to escalate yeah she wanted some like she wanted like a $30,000 car just like I gotta tell you something I asked Malia don't he goes don't even mention that name she called me she said she'll leave me alone but she needed a new car yeah she

wanted like a fucking $30,000 she was like it never stopped but you know what I mean you had to laugh you had to laugh you had to laugh you had to laugh but she was funny god she was funny but like also a little bananas you know but that bitch could sing like mariah yeah yeah yeah she could definitely sing she could sing she could sing but she was she had funny she said funny shit and when she got drunk she didn't look asian just her eyes looked a little asian that's it but everything else wasn't asian about it yeah but there was something about that just made you fucking dude she didn't give a shit did not give a shit and you angled it up you were the you were yeah you were the tv screen tv screen it's gonna bounce off the josh

as soon as you see the little chair squirming yeah you know it's coming for you you let it happen i wasn't looking at your chair until the last second so when someone listening has to work for osha you have no situational awareness you gotta have your head on a swivel over there man head on a swivel man he's only six inches away from you a dog he stopped doing this for a while i don't know why he's back i'm a professional and especially i got told you i got on the plane i look around i see everybody with earphones it's every man for himself i'm on a plane tonight this time you are this time i'll fart and i can hear it with the explosion on the chair and i know the guy next to me has to like get the vibration i can't wait till i sit next to you next time

i'm gonna fart you know i'm never sitting next to me i don't want you next to me you're in the back of the dungeon i love getting upgraded the first class and i just sit there in one day and as people walk by i look at them i go get to the dungeon and they look at me like what the fuck are you talking about get to the dungeon i see all these la people with like they always have extra like to make themselves be special yeah and i always think to myself what a fuck are they sitting and if i see them and i sit in the first class i torch them with all their tattoos and bracelets get in the dungeon they just look at me and shake the head in one day get in the dungeon come on dog i upgrade on everything except new york or chicago

i got an upgrade tonight yeah i got great i live in upgrade so i live in first class and i tell the guy next to me i ask him nicely can i get the aisle if he's a nice guy i let him live yeah if he's a fucking scumbag i asked for fucking something milky i'm lactose tolerant what comes out of my ass if you're a tear gas oh yeah what are you asking for last something milky no like what how do you determine if he's a good guy like to sit can you switch with me yeah oh because if you're in the window yeah because i don't like the window gives me anxiety so you're gonna get fucking bombarded anyway see i love the window i like to be i don't want to be in psychos i get anxiety and i got and i gotta pee more because then the guy next to me fucking falls asleep

and i gotta break his balls all fucking night so i tell him that i say listen if you don't want to switch with me you're gonna have a hard time because i'm gonna get up 15 fucking times from anxiety to pee and then if they say no okay i'm gonna open up this asshole and i'll get something on the menu that's got some milk in it and i'll just open up a can of whip ass atom so every time they smell it what a threat they're hoping i'm gonna open up this asshole listen to me their whole body shakes crazy when you fart does anyone like switch seats with you midway like okay okay i'll do it i've had you got it i'll switch i had about six months ago i had an old lady next to me that was catching like horror i went to like texas or something she was catching and i the problem

is you don't shit that morning and you get on the plane so the last two hours of the flight it's those death shit those death farts that come up before you shit that last couple of that they real close to your asshole this poor lady asked her husband if she could switch she had like three of them and she was and she was the best is when i wake people up yeah with a fart that is what i know the you know the best is the best is when their makeup looks worse when they get off the plane you're like what the fuck you know because their face has been scrunched up the whole time and they get that pillow like you smacked in their face josh well if i have woken up i've heard people go

in their sleep like just choking on it especially in mint because they have to wear goggles there was a lady who was i stood up to fart yeah and she's gonna kick you up a plane not this last trip to fort lauderdale the one back from boston yeah if you've been on mint so i had the solo booth oh the two or four the i got a solo yeah you got two two or four or six i went i was blasting so many farts in the tube that i couldn't take it like i was in the cubicle myself the farts were going low to the floor so every time like i bent over to get the night part or something i could smell it it was just the root of the asshole like six inches so i opened up the door and let it out and there's this lady sleeping next to me and i can see her

she's full horizontal they give you those things to put on your eyes you know that right they give you a gift pack i'm mint tremendous toothbrush the whole thing yeah she's got she's playing the game she's deep asleep with the goggles and all of a sudden when i got up i turn i make believe i'm doing i'm getting something out of my overhead compartment yeah but i'm also doing toe raises because i don't want i'm a fat dude i don't want to get blood clots uh-huh so when i'm doing all that a fart just slips out and i'm making believe now like i don't want to bring it back into the cubicle yeah so i'm standing in the hallway crooked in my cubicle making believe i'm pulling something out and all of a sudden nicely i see it and she swat her nose like it's a fly right

like it started off with like this just must be a fly she was deep and sleep and finally dog she actually like popped up like the whole fart got her it hit like something it was like it was like the exorcist she took a deep breath of this fart and her whole body stiffened up and she took the goggles off and popped up and looked around and i was like you smell it too yeah she was like man that is terrible i go i had to get up i think it's him and i sat back down this poor lady sat there for an hour figuring it out oh man but the all-time best i had to be 13 and i took the number one bus from georgia city to north from north bergen to the high school but that bus originates in georgia city outside the methadone clinic when we were kids people would

take the number one bus to georgia city get methadone drink it then get back on the bus and we were sitting towards the back facing him you know those chairs where you don't face the front yeah you face each other three people could sit in that room well i was faced right opposite him and i had been fighting all morning it's eight in the morning he's on heroin his head is down he's got drool from his lip to the newspaper he's reading the the daily news and he's just passed down the heroin and i fucking took my hips and i pulled them up just like i'm telling him he was like four feet away and that's when i was addicted to stakems i would eat stakems stakems every night for dinner two stakems with american cheese and a ride of french fries what comes out of

the stakems it's just not real meat it's just somebody's leg yeah like when you see an axel on the 405 and somebody loses a leg it's staking calls fucking uh stakems they get a couple of no uh the the meat in the can spam they all gotta call this and i got a black leg it's fresh you wait about 600 so you got like fucking 20 cans of spam i'm calling white castle next so get back to me it's like you know what i'm saying they call spam white castle and like wendy's and they go we got this dead leg where do we send it to and stake them so dog i've blasted one of those stakem farts yeah i remember like positioning my hips and laying back in the seat and it hit the chat and you can hear it just go and it just went right to his nose and he was

passed out and i remember he just went like he just opened his eyes and he won't like this and he was like what in the world it's like an adrenaline shock yeah exactly Greg Garcia you did it again my brother congrats this is your what your 19th year in television uh in a row 25 i think just crazy yeah yeah did you ever think that this would be this way no uh no i had no idea and uh yeah and then when i started working you know you don't know how long you're gonna work either so no you just uh consider yourself lucky every day we've all been here 20 years it's crazy it's really fucking crazy man absolutely insane i can't believe it like i still cannot believe it i look at that comedy story lineup that you sent to me every now and then i don't

send it to you you sent it to me darin carter puts it out darin carter's got that one me you dave chappelle closing sully mccullough's on that sully mccullough this it's it's just i sit there and people have no idea that i came to this town like on a whim like yeah let's just see what happens yeah let's just see what happens i got into the comedy store and i just never left that was like a bug on the wall it's so crazy how now you're in it yeah you're in it yeah i think all of us just came i was just like we didn't know anybody like let's just give this a try you know i have a conversation with somebody in your last 20 years that you left and said i can't believe i was just talking to that person all the time like i can't believe yeah i was just talking to that person

like i just saw him on like this still happens to me too yeah especially if it's somebody you watch growing up yeah it's just crazy i'm buddies with the the guy you did you watch those uh uh hr puff and stuff and land of the lost and those things sitting marty croft yeah yeah yeah there's a dude that i've become buddies with marty croft it's just amazing to me i just watched those shows non-stop when i was a kid hr puff and stuff yeah but you also like uh you didn't you get a smoking in the bandit car i did yeah i got a smoking in the bandit car and uh and i got it signed by burt reynolds yeah and then the car wash guy washed it off oh yeah that's how you would tell them that's right when the week but reynolds yeah that's right exactly yeah yeah got scrubbed up

and uh he was gonna resign it in october yeah you know what like he went when he died i went back and looked at all the movies he made he was in the 70s was a fucking the dude oh yeah but and like a true movie star movie star movie star more like you know like they i don't know that they have movie stars like he was now it was do you know what i mean like everybody's so accessible now the difference between the stars then and the stars now is that they and nick nickerson never made him self super accessible yeah they removed themselves from the regular people do you know what i mean it's crazy which gave them some like mystery there's no mystery to anybody and i'm not here to put anybody down but like when the guy won the oscar for the heart blocker 30 years ago

that guy wouldn't be invited to a room steve mcqueen would have punched the fuck out of him it's just the way it is you know yeah steve mcqueen and bronson would have knocked the fuck out of matt daemon and his little buddy like they would have ripped his wig off and told him don't come back to his fucking studio ever again like it's these guys were different like when you you know when you were around burt reynolds there was something about him that you know we were telling the story i think here when we burt reynolds wanted to shoot something and if he watched the longest yard this one scene where he tackles me and i actually go down yeah i remember going down going this guy could still fuck somebody up yeah like don't get correct he

still has two good punches in yeah like if he watched the longest yard now the original they cut it out but he slacks that bitch in the opening of the movie he gets in a car it's it's saturday night uh whatever by lennard skinnard he was truly a man of the 70s yeah and those stars do not exist today no the guy that does the movies with whatever that is not uh deadpool what all that brian reynolds that's not that's not what i'm talking about those guys wouldn't even they would get beat up they would actually get beat up yeah they were they was a different type it was a different type of star yeah absolutely you know it's funny when i told you that the one day steve he told me a story that steve mcqueen called what clenice would call burt reynolds said get

your motorcycle that director died we're gonna drive out to vegas and piss in his grave because they fired clenice would and clenice would goes it doesn't really matter when you die i'm gonna piss on your fucking grave you know all those type of it's a different hollywood yeah it's a different hollywood you know when they booked the magnificent seven the star was yule brenner and all those guys got together that are in that movie and said he's not gonna come from something else i'm a foreigner there's not gonna come here and steal a movie from us so they fucked with him at that foremost the cafe george c scott mcqueen charles bruntz would call him up all night and send him room service at the hotel so he wouldn't sleep all night it's a different type of fucking animal

you know now everybody's fake they gotta be buddy buddy you gotta be politically correct you really can't say what's on your mind so these guys don't i wouldn't what's the other one you went to see not deadpool but the bug you know not those guys aren't stars what bug ain't man i gotta know what that was they just they just act maybe ten man i don't know i didn't see a man in the what we judge good acting today gets eaten alive what i grew up on that scene that i showed you that's real acting that was fucking great that's real that really made me want to watch that yeah until you said five hours that's for four hours surgical into that once upon a time in in america went with uh with uh when they played noodles yeah all those people the jews they went over and then maria

lansky that's a five-hour fucking movie once upon a time in america it's four hours and 46 movies you didn't tell those people to cut your movie down in those days i cut it down what get the fuck out of here before i smack you you know it was a different savage then you know that's why they didn't want marlon brando for the godfather after what he did to them on mutiny on the bounty yeah they just sent marlon brando down in and he picked somebody he's like hey you come here you were direct before no you're directed yeah yeah i'm gonna go fuck this hawaiian up the ass for next two 20 years and that's what he did yeah and they wouldn't they'd like we gave you millions to shoot a fucking movie then you put a hawaiian to shoot the movie and you go fuck some other

chicken and they bought the island they don't have that no more no they have to act it out to be that yeah there's two there's two uh i think there's too much stuff to be that crazy you know when it was like you know it was like not a lot of things you could also hide it a little bit yeah it's harder to hide crazy now it's really hard to hide crazy because everybody's got a fucking where you're gonna be crazy everybody's got a camera yeah all the time all the time way more yeah where you're gonna be crazy uh those days a long fucking yeah yeah yeah i mean i do know some part people who have parties now who make you leave your phone at the door that's how you know it's gonna be a good part yeah if they don't ask for my phone i just turn around leave yeah you gotta invite the bodies

of people asking no somebody asked me to leave my phone at the door i told them to go fuck themselves yeah you can go fuck you and your mother i'm gonna give them i'm giving you my fucking phone fuck you fuck you yeah your responsibilities bitch you know what i'm saying i got responsibilities i got some hoes out there making money and shit Greg Garcia always a pleasure josh always a pleasure always a pleasure they can find your new cd comedian josh wolf dot com it's called father of the year and you on tbs the 23rd the premiere yes with uncle joey and i will remind you people next tuesday next monday to watch it and that's it and that's that we had a great week i love your motherfuckers i want to thank great garcia who has a fucking twitter page and who gives away

more money than fucking uh you know this guy gives away more money than the fucking Kardashians if you're not following him you're fucking up the other day he had people fucking gambling giving three numbers like he's cuban all of a sudden running the numbers yeah he was running fucking numbers i'm like i remember my whole page was a sunday was coming out 447 834 844 and i retweeted because i love it make some money with Greg Garcia let's see it i saw that yeah i love it and then i laugh because you get every single guess as well and then i gotta go through all that shit it's crazy i love it i like joey retweets it forget about it that's my sunday night i love it i'm you it's the first person to say the number yeah yeah yeah it's gotta be a tell you have a tie it's

gotta go to the first person so then i go through it i gotta figure out sometimes i just put out there like i think this is the winner somebody speak up if it's not like no i look at this i had it earlier i'm like all right you're the new winner i only retweet funny jokes and when great garcia is giving away money yeah somebody's giving away money i retweet those motherfuckers if one of my friends can make a dollar bill i'm here for you why not why not yeah you buy on my smashing i love you guys have a great week all right i want to thank my main man josh wolf always a pleasure i can't believe i know him 20 years i want to thank great garcia for stopping by but most importantly i want to thank you guys for listening for giving us an opportunity

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motherfucking uh hilarities in cleveland and then 11 8 kate quigley and myself invade the new york city comedy festival at gotham tickets are cheap thursday night friday night two shows saturday night two shows so you got hilarities 11 25 through 11 20 set uh 10 25 to 10 27 which is october then you got new york gotham who gives the fuck about new york gotham i'll see you motherfuckers and hilarities in cleveland all right have a great week have a great weekend god bless you motherfuckers i love you and i'll see you guys bright narrowly tuesday more no monday more than i'll see you guys all right stay black have a great weekend uncle joey loves you kick this fucking meal leak

baby me when i feel cold you're warm me and when i feel i can't go more you come at home me it's you and me forever i if you feel like leaving you know you can't go why don't you stay until tomorrow oh if you want to be free you know all you got to do is say so

and when you feel cold i'll warm you and when you feel you can't go more i'll come and hold you it's you and me forever oh i won't you smile away from me sarah smile let me feel you and i keep on me crazy crazy you