Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #628 - George Perez

Episode Date: October 22, 2018

George Perez, a comedian seen on Showtime and the host of the, "George Perez Stories" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.    Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 10/21/2018.  

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It's a church of what's happening now George Perez the Christ killer uncle Joey Oh shit kick that mule Lee Devil Lee the devil Well Sunday night Monday morning chat with my main dog George Perez We're going to Cleveland this weekend gonna have a good time. So I figured we get you in there I got a few questions for you and then you go do whatever the fuck you gotta go do you I'm saying what's going on No, I just chillin my boy, you know, I just got back from Paramount. I was hanging on my home way big sleeps and You know how I was waiting for today dog. I'm excited. You got a spot tonight somewhere

No, I'm gonna go hang out at the store after this. They got some open mics. I'm gonna try to get up, you know You're doing the store a lot. Yeah, I'm doing the store a lot. He's got you as a regular or No, right now. I'm a development spot, but I still grind I do all the open mics if other people are running shows I try to jump on Sam Tripley always puts me up red band always puts me up and Rogan puts me up sometimes when he's there, you know I'm just grinding Making it the journey that it is dog, so it's called developmental spot. Yeah, it's a development spot so right now like

All the shows that are ran at the comedy store They put up two comedians before the whole show we do five minutes each then the show starts That's pretty cool. I noticed that they're doing they're giving people five like to like from 855 to 9 Yeah, real sure all the door guys get spots, too So it's cool It's amazing what you've done with comedy, huh? Oh dog. It's a trip like a homie I was telling these fools are like, how do you know Joey? I was like I met him at Peppers

2002-2003 It was somebody's room dog and you were out there and it was just ridiculous crazy It's been a crazy journey. Fuck. I want to ask you something. I know You thought about you watch the news and stuff like this, you know When this Kavanaugh started started coming up right first. We have to meet two movement. Mm-hmm, which It's it's you know empowering people and it's Point of people that have done some fucking crazy shit, especially in Hollywood. Yeah, but then you have this new movement And I appreciate it all, you know, I'm not I'm a crazy fuck, but I'm not a me too. You know, I'm saying

You dick suck whatever but yeah me two people trick people out like that But then something happened a couple weeks ago with the Kavanaugh thing Dominex fell just like you. Yeah, we both made mistakes We both did our time and we moved the fuck on and guess what little by little with turning our life around with that fucking priests but you're not Involved in doing stupid shit you take the energy that you remember when you used to wake up 30 years ago You awake and I'm thinking about how you're gonna make 50 straight up whether it was delivering a bag of coke Burglarized a checks. We should do the fake checks the gas cards back. Yeah, it's it's crazy

How somebody could pop up from 30 years ago and say well George Perez and Joey Diaz did this to me Yeah, yeah, and so what do you want to do about it now? What do you want? What do you want to talk about now? People change. Yeah, so I believe that you change. How old are you now? I'm 41 And were you a different way fucking when you and I and the family of the church What were you like at 21? What was George's world fuck at 21 if I would have seen you on the street? I just would be like, what's up homie? Where the fuck you from? This is shotgun big bad orange game like that was my high Like like like when I got introduced to another male it always be like what's up homeboy This is shotgun. Where you from put on like it was just like that what we don't work when you were 21

I was doing construction. I was a cement mason. I was finishing concrete. I was making dog I was making a thousand a week rent was 700 a month have my own fucking place. I had my baby's mom I had I had girlfriends in every job site that I was at for like three months cuz sometimes we would rent hotels and fuck bitches at the bars So yeah, dog. No criminal when you were 21. Oh, yeah, like, you know, I got I got caught with the gun I got caught with the knife. I got I already got a couple graffiti charges and shit Cuz I used to be a tagger before I was a gangster. I used to ride on the freeways and shit. How old were you when you were tagging? 15 14 and What do they do when they catch attack fucking that they give you community service

Like cleaning the wall you got to clean all that shit to pay a fine Then like if you get caught again, your parents get in trouble It's it was it was in you know what I mean dog It was in and we were juvie. Did you ever go to Juvie Hall? No, I went to Juvie Hall But like my mom and dad my my dad was like fuck it leave him my mom was like hell no My mom watch bad boys the week before it was like they're not doing that to my son. I Could have hung dog, you know, I mean, but my mom was like nah, but I do I was in the county like by 19 already

You know, I know what prison's like. I can't imagine what you he's like. Oh, like I never was in trouble Homie the rules are different But I I've just seen documentaries and read a thousand books on it. Yeah of people talking about Juvie And it does not your chance if you get Listen, if you get put in the system after your 21 there's a percentage of chance of recidivism When you get put in the system when you're 15 14

You're pretty much done. Yeah done You're done four years with other kids that just as crazy as you are and these were kids that weren't shooters Nothing like that. These were kids that would just smack a cop. Yeah, don't give a fuck I grew up with kids that would smack a cop, you know For just be cool as fuck to be cool as yeah, like fuck this cock, you know, like today You hear about these school shootings and stuff that the kids showed signs. Yeah, you know Fucking being a little waxed up when I was a kid. Let me tell you something. I knew what motherfuckers to stay away from There was a couple kids. I went to school with that

Don't they were just, you know, out of their minds, you know, they were gonna grow up to be murderers. Yeah, but okay So how are you is this the 70s or 80s? There's the 70s So like a dog like described as for me is like cuz you're in fucking Jersey or New York Jersey You're in Jersey dog. Like are you walking by Cubans? We're like what nationality like I've always wondered like is every project a different nationality games like Okay, the only time I was really ever around gangs and my mother had a dry cleaner in the Bronx in the late 60s the gang Fucking thing was huge. Hell yeah, New York the Bronx. It was huge and

My mother's dry cleaner was on royal the royal javelin Yeah, so my mom had to give a piece every week. They were cool Oh, it's mandatory. That's mandatory with my mom's. There was no drama the royal javelins I still remember there in Sydney. It was like a Chinese guy with a ponytail on their backs and they had They were bikers without the motorcycles You know Okay, like the warriors did like the warriors see the warriors So you in New York, you had five boroughs filled with gangs now

Years later when I started just going to Harlem, I can't lie to you I heard about gangs, but I never saw him. It was involved with them at all. Okay. I heard about the ghetto boys at that time the ghetto boys like in the early in 68 I knew about the royal javelins and like I Don't know I can't remember they all had like weird names and they all ran three blocks And I don't even think they sold nickel backs that like they didn't know about financing Yeah, it was a whole different. It was different, you know a gang prostitution probably when I watched sons of anarchy And they showed Kurt's asirees and all the cholos and when Jimmy Smith's came in if you live in

Where Jeff Garcia is from Where's he from La Puente La Puente La Puente has like seven gangs in La Puente and Each a gang is assigned to a different turf And at that turf they shake down and they finance my selling street drugs and that's there That's there. Yeah, they make pennies to a dollar. Yeah, but in their world, they're fucking big shots and that's the social economic That's what it is. That's what it's created for so I get all that The when I was a kid in the Bronx, I didn't understand And when I like I said when I when I would go to Harlem, I heard about the ghetto boys because

Kids would brag about all the things. Yeah, and the word on the street about the ghetto boys is that they had a motherfucking bazooka Everybody else had a knife They were showing up So and the song was do you want to get it higher with the ghetto brother power Oh Power power like that was like that little theme shit. Oh fuck But I didn't know nobody and no gangs I didn't run no nobody came up to me and asked me if I wanted to cut my hands shake hands

Yeah, you know I'm saying nothing like that. I can't yeah Now man like speaking of juvenile hall like a lot of my friends went to juvenile hall and in California There's juvenile hall and then there's those crazy motherfuckers that go to CYA California youth authority. I had a homie that was in there from like 13 or 14 to 25 They call it adult life Like instead of sending you to prison you go from 14 to 25 and like He was fucking he got out and he was just like dog It ain't like prison over here there. There is gang banging Mexicans and Mexicans is like look you're from my opposite gang

We're gonna go back or we're gonna fight. It was like some crazy shit home Like motherfuckers would like get your ass beat like in there if you drop something and picked it up They put you on this thing called the lever We're like from now on people can just sock you and do whatever they want So if you drop something it's just gone now That's it dog. Like if you're drinking coffee and that shit falls you're like hey my boy like yeah, dog And those guys they go to prison and they're out of fucking control. They call them YA babies motherfuckers a YA baby like he don't fuck around and

Yeah, man, that's uh, that's that's they they shut two of them down Joey So many motherfuckers were getting like bad shit happened to them. They had one Norwalk and one in Sacramento and Fuck I can't imagine Hey, dog. I heard people get raped in there. Oh, please. That's that's the main because it's the main fucking thing They're kids. What do you think they're doing in there savages? They don't know. Yeah They don't have the manpower at those places to control those people and they're doing like six seven years You know at that age you don't your head doesn't comprehend it Like your head doesn't comprehend it like you can see the let's talk about the Miami's this shooter in Florida

Like I just saw a picture him. There's a shooter in Florida got that just went off at the school. Okay. There we go. Yeah That kid, you know, he He doesn't even know what is going on Like he doesn't know what's going on and now they're gonna put him into a system That doesn't really know what that they're going on and then he special treatment So he's gonna be on the psychiatric services the rest of us They're gonna mad them up to and they're gonna med you up, you know, the prisons The prison system is not a good fucking now is not a good fucking system

Especially now you can't smoke in there. Can you man? No, you it's it's all money. No, we it costs three bucks a fucking cigarette for a pinner If you had like a real marble light you can break that up in a five cigarettes It's all bad It's all fucking bad And you know, it's even crazier about the prisons. I just read about is now They they have a regular a prison has two yards. They got a protective custody are special need yards for gays snitches

people that What's that she called pedophiles? They separate them from the main main line fools like me that like a dog Now there's so many of these fuckers on this side. They're the the living is they can't live there What is it called bad living or something bad living condition? Yeah, bad living conditions. So now They're putting all these motherfuckers on the main line and Telling the main line like hey You're gonna stab this fool. It's gonna give you life. So they're creating riots every fucking day and I guess an inmate wrote a letter to like their family and now there's families outside protesting Sam

Dude, my my husband has six months left He's been down for 15 years and you're gonna put a pedophile on his yard knowing that they have to stab this motherfucker Like that's some fucking crazy shit once they find out that because I didn't go to any of the big prisons I went through the system First you go to that place where they test you Yeah questions and That was fucking three weeks of hell. I was three weeks of just no sleep people yelling all night

It was cold and the bed was metal Yeah, they transferred me to another place for about a Two weeks that was okay. They had pods. There was fist fights. They were shanking But I I read books. That's it. I didn't know nobody I made friends with a black dude and that was it And I went to my destination my destination was a prison camp. Yeah There was a barrack for snitches. Yeah, but you weren't supposed to know they were not witness We locate a guy is there with that other thing that they put in there Whatever special needs special protection. Yeah, you don't even know we didn't PC protective custody, right?

You didn't know and then somebody would get a letter from somebody going. Hey, yeah, it's this guy at your camp This guy was the one that ratted out Gonzalez brothers in 1984. He's just getting out stab them like it would go like that and we hear it But the prison camp I was at was very calm It was one of the best camps. They had enough in Mains for the thing the city of golden really monitored is where they make Coors beer. Oh Coors don't want didn't want it there. So Coors fought Against making a grow and all this shit. They wouldn't hire the people from the plant

Where the other prison camp of that nature rifle? The city of rifle close to Aspen about an hour from Aspen They the community gave you jobs So even though you were in prison in the summer you worked at the pool as a lifeguard or selling popcorn Well, it's the winter you worked at the ski resort Okay, they would let you work at the ski resort. Wow, and there was people who worked at the movie theater. Wow Don't let trash out all that right. We were allowed to leave for 20 minutes a day, you know, damn We got you none of that shit. Yeah, I was allowed. This is before furloughs. Yeah, we went crazy in Boston

Then when I got into prison, there was still furloughs. Oh Fuck you did like 10 years and you had five left You were eligible for furloughs if you but your behavior had to be impeccable impeccable like impeccable Which was really hard that it's too hard. It's impeccable It's got to be impeccable like if there's a sock outside your locker Like that impeccable But when I got to the camp that You heard the one thing with me was that where I went there was still the isolation groups

But because I knew about money and how money worked I Went through there with no drama at all course The kitchen is filled with blacks and Mexicans. So I had them in the kitchen and Then then you have the white power group and you had the bikers That's weird that they separate like that on there. Yeah at that time It was the white power group and then bikers and then there was this one white power dude There was a different white power dude. Well, wow a certain type of people But he was really badass so when I went to prison he became my friend he was from Philly, okay

So I fucked with those white dudes. Uh-huh the biker white dude was in there from a voluntary manslaughter And he wasn't a good dude. Yeah, you could just tell but he gambled with me. So he was cool the white dude the one who hated blacks and Latinos and Jews he was a generic gamer and he loved Mexican food He loved the fucking Burritos, oh, yeah, Mexican to do to him that would do business all the time That's why that joke from Jerry Rocha has always made me laugh about him going home for Christmas and White people being at this house for Christmas in the back that hate Mexican people, but then they're like man, but this house is good

Look at them. They're fucking up the words to jingle bells and all this shit, you know I love that joke when he says look at them fucking up the words to jingle bells This bean dip is sure gonna be tasty That that I mean the guy that hated Mexicans Love Mexican food. So on Sundays, he kind of deal with the Mexican dude the dude would give him green chili Burritos, oh, man, dude would go bananas So I didn't really experience that like you see in the movies where we're at war, but not really I can't talk to George because I'm with the Italian dog

I live that shit George can't talk to me because the Mexicans and then we'll get thrown into a laundry And after a week you got to say something to me. I can't you believe that shit. Yeah I say something to me I can't you would know already because if we did talk like look Joey if you're my enemy in there And we know each other from yeah, but we're not enemies. Let's say I'm with the Italians I'm with the Cubans. I mean you're allowed to then but if you're here at the Cubans They have no dealings with essays. Nothing in fact with friends. We swear. Oh, yeah, we can't but it's just where I was at There was no contact with any black at all. There was it was it was just common like excuse me

Good morning. That's it. It wasn't more like a dog. So where are you from? How was your birthday? What's your favorite color? Who do the Jews hang out with cuz we can't hang out with the Aryan brotherhood? You guys get great lawyers, bro, you really don't there's not that there's not too many Jews in there That's funny, but there is and you guys roll with the others There's others. Yeah others is there's Mexican white black and others and paisa There's paisa to it and there others is like you hang out with like the Asians Samoans Russians Italians Samoans, okay. Yeah, because I went to between the Pisces and Mac in a jail A paisa is someone that is not from America. They're Mexico, El Salvador, Honduran

When you're Mexican, you're just from here or you claim it. You're from a gang If you're not from a gang you're Mexican and you're just a dog. I'm a paisa. All right, cool You know, I'm your Mexican and you're not in the gang. You've been robbing on your own for 20 years And you go to prison you have to join one thing you got to choose on me or fucking how many gangs I have to choose for Mexican that's it Like northern and southern. I don't I don't speak on that, but okay fair enough What about like the latin kings and all that hell no, they would be like look homie you're over here This is our rules. That's it. Were the latin kings where you were at. Nah, that don't that is how the east coast

Yeah, that's east coast that's that's a whole another flavor because Latin kings they got white black man. They have every race in there. Really hell. Yeah I thought the latin kings are just Spanish, dude Now the Puerto Ricans Dominicans and you know some dominican fuck this black person thinking they were dominican and it's so mixed up How scared should I be that's how my building there's an ms-13 tag on on like the the wall That's probably like the fucking guy that delivers sparkly. It was just like I'm gonna fuck a plaque on the wall. All right fair enough. I know but

Is it old new like it looks it's the first time I've seen it recently here. Where do you I don't don't tell me It's an I live in like near studio city. It's not in a bad area. No He doesn't know 13 year old kids in the fucking block the fucking thing so I know so look at the fucking neighborhood. Yeah studio city. No What are we doing over there? Yeah, what are we doing? What are they doing? It's not really studios. You know, there's a fucking pizza place over there I go to Daniels. Yeah, it's okay. Nice people nice owners. They've gotten broken into three times People are hungry right now, right?

The other night I drove by there. I'm little okay. I was parked at the light And I sat there at the light and I lowered the window because I used to be a burg Court if you smash that window the whole neighborhood hears it He said that all three times the camera didn't catch it. No caught it. He got me. He called he wakes up He calls the cops. He's watching them on the camera on his phone As they're going in going he goes I leave $40 in here at night But the point of the story is that I was sitting there. There's a gas station that's open 24 hours There's a jack-in-the-box that's open 24 hours. There's a subway sandwich on the corner that's in there hidden next to a starbucks

Nobody heard like he's like it's the weirdest thing. I sat there in the car. I know as a burglar If I would break that the way it it would echo It would just echo there's a screen store there I mean, it's tough to be a burglar now. Fuck. There's cameras everywhere There's cameras everywhere in people's houses and you ever catch them on the news how they get confused They take the camera off the scratch their head and the camera gets them right Fuck that's fucking hard in here. It would be so fucking hard to do anything anymore Like I think of the shit I used to do

And I would have been busted trusted Oh, I would I would like steal her cell phone and subscribe to george bresthor is on it. All right. I'm subscriber I'll do some shit I know that about cell phones, but I would just be fucking robbing shit. I used to rob houses, but never like I I was Fuck joey. I wanted shit dog. So when I was like 18 I wouldn't rob a house, but like if a rich ass No disrespect, but rich ass white girl invited me to her crib. Oh, it was going down. Come on. Yeah

From the age of 16 To 30 everything I did was a case Everything if you invited me to your house, you just put yourself on a list for me to rob Like if you invited me to your house, I got that's what I would do I am a security expert when I look at your house. I can tell you If you're gonna get robbed and why you're gonna get robbed and how you're gonna get robbed. There's just different percentages You know, if you leave your backpack in the front seat of your car. Oh, that's where your computer They're gonna they're gonna break it

If you put it on the front floor the black the backpack is black And they don't see it. They're not gonna break out cover with the sweater. It's really fucking stupid what life is about you know One thing I never did was I hated car stereos Like there was just so many things that I wouldn't do There was a point for years in America and you robbed the car stereo. You couldn't do nothing with Because once you took it out, you couldn't play in another car Unless it was aftermarket like if you went bought like a

Whatever, but if you took like a crisis stereo out, there's nothing you could do with it Even if you put in another crisis. It was fucking there's so many crimes that people do For a little shit and they cause so much havoc. Yeah, and it pisses me off Like if you leave dollar bills in the middle of your thing, you know, you pay for tolls Yeah, you put change in there. They're gonna break the window. You put singles in there. They're gonna break your window They're gonna break your window four in the morning for four fucking dollars. Yep And now you gotta pay 150. Yeah, and now you just paid 150 This when I go into a place I look at the security of the place

And I look at the people and I asked if I go to the bathroom I love the people that you go to the bathroom that you have to walk through a bedroom They got a jewelry box, right? Yeah, you're going down You're going down. I'm gonna get the case of the shit to steal one of your weddings I mean, it was just dumb like when people had parties Uh, I would rob parties all the time Like if people would say, oh, yeah, it's a party. He's a friend of mine. He's having a party in tana fly That's the first place that you want and next thing you know, you're on the second floor under the bed

Fucking with the little girl's fucking pony bank, you know, you know, take your bank and shit. It's fucking embarrassing dog It's embarrassing to shoot. You've done some crazy shit. I've done some I used to break into this house so much That they would leave me notes Like fuck you wipe your feet asshole. Like I would rob them once every 90 days for like two years Oh, I robbed them once every 90 days a drug deal. Why didn't they put a lock on the door? Everything they could I would just rob just to let them know it was stupid Yeah, just to let them know it was stupid. They had a back window that I could open like nothing And nothing pisses me off more than when I rob you and I come back and you start to fix that problem

I will rob you again. Just thought of principle. I robbed that fucking apartment. It was a fucking gay dude who sold drugs And I knew he had to work Like I knew him through another gay guy and I knew he had to work And I would rob him certain hours Damn Like the first few places I robbed of him like the first time he left money and like a jar in his uh Like on a dresser or something. Yeah, like on a dresser. I just took my hand and then it was $450 in those days That's my friday morning

And there was like an ounce of coke somewhere. Oh my god And then I waited like 90 days He never accused me and I went back again and this time he hid in his lover's room And I robbed that one And then I went back like six months later and I robbed him again for something else for coke again And then after that I waited and I robbed him again And I went to the first two spots and both of them had notes like fuck you asshole Oh years later like why don't you leave him a note back like

I don't have that type of time Lee Let's say he's a stenographer. I'm fucked up. He doesn't that be I dude I used to do some creepy shit though. There was this dude that just pissed me off I think I told this story. This is what when I went to colorado You know those motherfuckers every time you cook and you're about to eat they ring your doorbell And they're like man, I wish his name was ken. Uh-huh and he was from turkey tail marketer No, he was just a white dude that wouldn't he lived upstairs. Oh, he wanted to talk and eat right above me But he always knew when we were cooking. He always knocked on the door and he always go

I hope I didn't interrupt nothing. Oh my god. You know me being fucking me. I go you want to sit and get something? Sure You know, he was one of those goofy dudes that rode a bike with the helmet on even in the 80s and shit Uh, so, you know, we smoked pot with him and shit And he was like an artist type dude at the time. He was way older than me if I was 18 he had to be like 25 But he lived right above me. I lived on the first floor And he lived right above me on the second floor And you know, we became friends like friends for like four months

He would come over and night smoke with us. A lot of people did any rob you guys No, he pissed me off. Oh his mother sent him money And he came and bragged about and I go, you know, I just made like a counterlist So what's the story once you go get a six pack and yeah, I'm over drinking with us You know, you hear every night smoking our pot and eating our food He's like, oh no, man. I gotta hold on to this money. This got a last one And that night he went out to a bar in Aspen Like on the way out he came I was watching tv and I had money at the time not millionaire money

Yeah, but you had it I was making like 10 bucks an hour the rent was paid and I had like 800 in the bank And I remember watching tv just being pissed off That this motherfucker wouldn't even buy a six pack. Yeah, and then the door knocks and it's him all dressed up And he's like, I'm going to Aspen anybody want to come I gotta meet some girls up there and all this shit I'm going to have a good time. I'm like, this guy doesn't know I'm going to rob this motherfucker Because I know he's cheap. He didn't take all the money with him. He didn't have time to deposit Because he had gotten it later in the day. So there's got to be cash upstairs

So I waited like an hour downstairs. My roommate was on a date I was all by myself lonely as shit. I had the money to get coke, but I was going to rob this motherfucker at one point and I went out there and I put a table out there And I tried to jump and I couldn't make it so I put a chair on top of the table And I went out there like a Houdini. I still couldn't match and I put like a chair on top of the chair on top of the chair on top of the table And I finally fucking got to his balcony and bro the balcony was open I just had to slide it open and I went in the house And I looked everywhere

I fucking looked everywhere for that money and I could not find it He had a bicycle with a little pouch in the bag where you put like your the fucking deflator and your spare tire I went in there Not that this motherfucker took it one of them. I went back to the house, but I left the front door open Because sometimes I leave the front door open just to think about I'll come back and shit And about an hour later I went to the bathroom I hit the bathroom

And sure enough I opened up a metal bandaid case and there's his gui. This Wow A couple hundred dollar bills I take the money. I closed it. I closed the mirror. I locked the balcony, but I leave the front door open So when he comes home, he knows this front door is open. Yeah, man. I think I locked it So next morning sure. I'm not first thing He's like, hey man, I got rob last night. Really? What time? I just played it off And then he left and he came back and he's like, you know what man? I've been thinking

You and your roommate you're both two two new york city hustlers What a piece of shit. I heard that you had burglarized the place once or twice in your life before I think you burglarized and I said Ken, I didn't burglarize you He came back downstairs with a piece of scotch tape He said I got fingerprints I'm gonna take him down to snow mass police department right now and get the fingerprint lifted from the scotch tape And I'm like, oh this poor bastard Oh, shit

And then he never talked to me again. He knew I robbed him. He would tell my roommate. I know it was him. I know he robbed me Fuck yeah, I'm gonna rob you. Oh, you had to just buy a six pack of beer. That wasn't a robber. It's a lesson learned dog Yeah, I'll do shit like that. Fucking with me Mother fuck we buy you buy eating steaks. I used to go every night in shoplift two steaks You wouldn't even buy the meat. No, I would buy salami Uh, I would buy oscar maya salami and I had a lettuce and I would take two t-bone steaks And put them in my winter jacket and I'd go home on the shuttle And I'd have my roommate cook the steaks because I bought them and I cut the salami and cut lettuce

And put salami tomatoes and lettuce and I make like a generous salad with vinegar and oil And we just make fucking t-bone steaks. That's fucking sounds bomb dog. I don't fuck around since the early age I don't fuck around. Yeah, I feel I'd steal those nice tea like those $10 t-bones Back in the day of $10 t-bone. That was big time. Yeah Shit, I was a one-man fucking wrecking crew. Oh, yeah, and I loved it a lot. I think about it sometimes I'm like, dog. I feel bad for the sins. I did But no, I didn't because most of the people I robbed were just plain ass comebacks. Yeah I feel uh, I got robbed when I was like 21 by my baby's mom

And I didn't like put it together till I was like 33. How'd you get robbed? I I broke up with her And back then I used to uh, my parents like they own houses. So they were like, look You guys can stay in this house. It's a four bedroom. I ran out one bedroom and then just pay the difference. All right, cool So my baby's mom back then was a big ass fucking tweaker and she used to hang out She's been to juvenile hall my baby's mom the oldest one though. Is she now you're she's 40 my no She's from my son, george. My daughter's 11 my other son's 19 and my george's 22 george his mom She fucking

So I told her hey you got till today to take all your shit out And I didn't come home because I was out fucking other bitches and I come home and the whole house has ketchup and shaving cream All over the carpet like back then a fucking DVD player was at 150 They took all my shit and they even robbed the roommate that was there and She was hanging out with the girl that was dating some fool that had a had a jewelry like a pawn shop

jewelry and shit and They took all the jewelry and I just put it all together later because I seen that fool from the jewelry shop He was like, yo, dawg, did you lady ever give you all that money from the come up? I was like, what come up? He was like, yeah, dawg. She told me that you guys You guys robbed somebody and she bought you didn't want to come in so you brought the jewels in She brought a man so it wouldn't look like you did and I was like That bitch robbed me dawg

She would have been my first my first suspect You just broke up with her. She like they put ketchup and I know but it was more like I was kind of scared of her dawg. I just wanted her out of the fucking house You know what I mean? Because like She had cousins that would come down and fucking stab me I was just more like, hey I'll take this $300 loss. Get the fuck out of here. I tell you what there's nothing like getting robbed Because you're a thief. You just write it off with no drama. Exactly. I remember the first time I got beat

I got beat big dawg. I was about 16. I was about 17 And I was working at Putnam fuel pumping gas Oh, where's that button fuel? Putnam fuel this place. It was it was on the border of north bergen where I'm from in sea caucus, new jersey Okay, denji a gas station dog truck drivers Denji women sucking deck in the back You know, this was slapping them in the back of squeegees. This is when people were doing black beauties You would snort black beauties

You open up the capsule and snort the black beauties and shit sniffing paint and all that shit I don't know what they did back there. I never got involved. I knew there were white And they were scary and they looked like people from walking dead and the walking dead wasn't even out yet So I left them alone, but I got a job working there and you know It was a couple nights a week the gamuels got me the job Holy old gamuels brother Caesar were both big time is that they had worked there all their life as kids like since they were eight

And now they would hire people for Putnam. It was open 24 hours And bro some 190s brothers came in Cool and shit black dudes Looked like all four super flies. They got out of the car Pay for the gas tip me And I like can you get rid of some reef and you like smoking reef and I'm like, fuck yeah They go come back and look at the trunk of the car And they

I opened up the trunk of the car and it was like fucking 10 pounds around one far. They said take a bud Bro, I took a bud and I cut that bud and I rolled it up and I saw the fucking devil I saw the devil and I had a friend That had big money. He sold coke. This is 1980 I'm in high school. My mother had just died And this dude was a fucking pedophile This dude was like just Harvey Weinstein

And the pedophile put together. He's on facebook now I ain't gonna call him out and shit, but Like I was a kid I would go to his house and he always had a robot There was a couple people in those days always had a robot. There was a pedophile in my block called Puerto Rican Nelson He always had a robot This motherfucker would help you play football with a robot. I'm sure he wants you to suck his dick with no underwear With a robot playing football this shit helped me to change the tire With a robot and the fucking winter time and shit

and this dude This dude I had a friend that couldn't wasn't allowed to go to dude's house for a certain reason Oh, so he would give me money and I would go to dude's house and then made me look like a big shot Dude and him were cousins, but dude was a cop Oh, so dude couldn't be seen with dude. Yeah So dude would go go over there buy a gram two grams three grams and it would help my cred I'd go over there and say look I'm selling for you. Throw me a little something Yeah, straight up like a G and I'm 17

I don't know how many times I want to know what and this guy would always have a fucking robot and shit What time of the day were you going over there always right after school? I would get out of school. Was it just underwear under like he would have like bikini underwear And every time I went out every time I wanted that he'd be coked off the night before this before anybody was getting coked up Like well, the only people I saw getting coked up from the night before at that time was my mother and her friends This is so this is outside of the house now This is my mother was dead and this is the first guy that would get high And I would call him like a two and say I'm coming over and he was still high from the night before

Like the dude in boogie nights. I know exactly that was like that dude with his hair still going good with the Chinese guy That was like firecrackers. Yeah, he always had like a guy over there or some creepy girl There was always something going on when you went to his house But I would go over there all the time and buy coke from him and front coke from him and he always took care of me So I took him the weed And I go listen man. I bumped into these fucking yams from fucking shambon They got a hotel room Up in room 448 up here

And they gave me the number they got the bag I go smoke it come away. You think the guy called me the next day's like dog That's the best weed out of the smoke in my life. I think they wanted 800 a pound bro. I don't know I think they wanted 600 a pound. I tacked on two Exactly. They wanted three pounds Patty boy, that was his name. So I'll take three pounds So I went over there at a certain time. I picked up the three pounds. I picked up the cash And I met the the black dudes at the fucking uh partner in fuel Until his dad don't know how they did it

What happened? it was one of those give us the cash go to the trunk and pull the weed out And when I went to the trunk, I pulled the weed out And they said don't we got cops watching us. Don't look at it till you get to your car I got in the back seat. I opened it and it was three pounds. So let's say

three pounds is uh 32 And 16 is 42 48 ounces There was maybe four ounces of real weed on top. Yeah And the rest was just a brick condensed And I didn't know I took it to him like a fucking dry I took it to him like Tony took it to No, no, no, no. I remember when Tony Montana

Took the guy the kilo of coke and my friend Angel Fernandez died But this is my gift to you. Yeah, I went over to like thinking I was Johnny Vespucci Like here's what I did the guy took the top bag out and the rest were bricks He looked me in the face. He goes listen. I don't know if you know how men do this. We got beat And in reality, I didn't get beat you got beat So I gave you 1800 cash I need my money back whatever. He's like, I gave you 2400 cash. I need my money back. I need it back in two days And that's the first time I ever got put like that was like yeah, it's mission time

I couldn't get him beat up. I couldn't beat him up in my world. That's what it is If I call Lee and I go Lee George Perez is giving you a gig down in Oklahoma You go down and George don't pay it You gotta look at me next time. Shut your fucking mouth. Yeah, now you learn to shut your fucking mouth You don't know nothing about nothing. I don't know nothing because George beat him And then and it happens it's gonna happen. It happens in college straight It happens where you gotta you go somewhere and you get a basketball for a check Uh-huh. You don't know till you come back. I did I did pachanga supposed to get 2400

The guy I was that was supposed to pay me Dog this motherfucker brought his luggage in my room Hung up his clothes in the closet and shit. We got drunk did coke. I fucking passed out. I woke up Everything was gone, but his clothes Never paid me nothing Finally, I fucking found that for I don't I don't want to say his name, but you know who he is He's a punk motherfucker. I just went out. I'm like a straight man. I said look dog I need 200 bucks every two months. I don't care what your problems are. I lost out big

I was supposed to make like 2500 dog Left with like minus 500 because you know you gamble at pachanga You eat you stay and oh that motherfucker got me good No, but that was the first time I got beat And they did it beautifully and I got beat in the city I got beat in the city when you buy acid new york on 42nd street in the old days They would tell you the same line. Okay, don't look at it till you get down the corner and then you open it up And it's a coffee filter

It's a fucking piece of paper with coffee stain on it. Oh, wow. It's how you blot acid, you know, those feelings are horrible Take the worst beating I ever took dog I was selling cars george. Uh, george. That's your name. I don't know why I'm selling cars. I'm the type of motherfucker when I'm wheeling and dealing It's a cost of doing business But when my sweat's involved Straight up it's it's a different story When I'm wheeling and dealing I'll give you whatever you want or when I'm sweating

Stepping on toes now. You're stepping on toes. So Talk about how you were dealing cars. I was selling cars And I had put away money you ever put away money. Oh, yeah Like I thought I was not even in the bank. I'd never put away money at this time I got not a prison And I said, you know what? I'm gonna start taking care of myself a little better And I got a job washing cars

That hurts and they put me in the employee residential manager program. So they gave me an extra two dollars I was making okay money. My rent was 450 a month. That was two and a quarter You know and I put away this money. I don't want to tell the amount. It doesn't matter I put it away for two months after I got out of the prison You know, like when you get out of jail, I was out on bail as a matter of fact I'm on bail And I'm just about put the pieces together and I got a fucking vcr and a brand new Sony whatever the fuck it was brand new, bro

I I had never paid for nothing. I had always got I would put TVs on stolen credit cards By stolen or I would steal the t. A myself This is the first time I sweat And you know when that came on my shit was gone My roommate George was his name at the time of the George. Did you leave the door? No They robbed my shit. I'll never feel like I'm a thief. I was a thief But I've also been robbed So I know what the perspective is like I know Peter pays paul Peter pays paul like you you just it's a

It's like it's like when you get a like when I got arrested for the kidnapping I accepted it Like I accepted it. I accepted it for all my other sins I didn't kidnap nobody you tell what are you talking about kidnap? I didn't send nobody a ransom note No kidnapping is when you do this and this and this and this and it's like last week I made a joke But I I'll I'll say this Again with a different context. You see when round the rousy I kicked in the head. Yeah when she was laying there sitting there Do you think she was thinking about the eight million she was gonna get no she was thinking about all the mistakes she made

To get to that place when they're putting the handcuffs on you That's what you're thinking about when that bailiff says when that judge says bailiff Put the cuffs in and take them into the back When they put those handcuffs on you for a minute you think about all the things you did You think about throwing a rock at that priest when you were six You think about robbing that old lady's panties. You think about the bicycle tube you stole It all comes back to you and you know, they say when you're spitting your grandma's water Yeah, they say that when you die your life flashes before you

It happens in a lot of situations in your life You know like when you're bombing at the common storm mitsis in the back And you're eating a bag of dicks and you're seeing your life in front of you and you're also planning your suicide Why you're on stage you can't even focus on material Because you don't know whether you're gonna jump off the Santa Monica bridge Or you're gonna jump off some polvo the fucking whatever you don't know. I mean that's that that's the truth You don't know what it's like to bomb in front of mitzi on a Thursday night. Oh, it's quiet Quiet

Fucking you can hear I never got to perform it from yeah, you can you can hear toenails growing Now is this in the or room or in the original room? Okay? She saw me the bag of dicks in the main room one time, but there was one particular time in the original room Like it's in there. Well, I remember what did you say to you nothing Does she tell you shit when you eat dicks or is it like she would make an offhand compliment or Say something to you to talk with you But at the same time you would take it she would never goof on you know, okay issue. That was yeah in her world

She would just say it wasn't your night I don't like that joke Like she saw she told rogan one time he couldn't do the end of the cold joke because people couldn't follow it That's a compliment from her. Damn. She's like you can't be doing that joke around here though. These motherfuckers fall apart Rogan was howling She told rogan right how you can't do that room that joke in the main room, dog But I had a call and that old dude she married He wanted a kentucky fried hooker and all that shit you can't

Because that bill that bit used to just level room. Yeah Before he died he was 90 and his dying wish was to get a Kentucky fried hooker So he'd marry down the call his family was pleading with him. Don't do it. She wants your money. I don't give a fuck I'm 91. I'm gonna suck them tenons. I like die Oh, it was a great bit. I forget it word for word, but I Shit and bro when he would do it at the comic in front of him They got a comic that had a follow him. You would just see their shoulders go down

If we go down because they knew he was gonna be a long night. This is when he was still yelling Okay, he was younger. He was yelling. He was kentisoning in a little bit. Okay. He ripped. He was ripping rooms apart, bro That's 15 minutes. He was ripping rooms apart. Oh, yeah, but at that handle the cold bit That uh You know, that's how the joke ended The joke ended with him dying like please don't die And he's like, I'm not dead lick my balls lick my asshole and all this shit and that would just blow up the fucking room

But she would tell you little things like and she was right You did just she's seen it on you sped it up. You sped up your set tonight. You'd walk past her like in disgust Like you'd walk past her like no and i'm not gonna ever get a fucking other spot here again Like when you got off that stage, you were like, that's it That was my run at the comedy store and all of a sudden you call the next week and you got five spots Oh, wow Because she understood bro. You're not in the main room on saturday night. I ate a bag of dicks, bro Oh, yeah, prime monarch show. They just weren't buying me. Okay, but

in the fifth minute I I didn't do what I used to do On an inexperienced comic Folds in the main room at the five minute mark and it's a long Time till that light comes on And you're up there talking and now you're starting to turn red Now you're starting to do stolen jokes You think about cosby fucking he's in jail

That material's free and shit now Oh, shit. You just want that fucking light to end You know I just kept plowing through it. I knew they didn't like me. I knew they didn't like the joke. I opened up with I opened up with a joke that was a little too strong at the seven o'clock show Now you gotta pay for your sentence. I've been there before but I can't give up I don't go back standing on my two feet and plow through it like they're gonna get it like i'm going for a fucking When I got out of that I could just tell when I was walking out. They were like look at me like ill

They were giving me the ill thing and I went into that fucking original room and I just laid a beat down Bro, it was basically I went out. I touched gloves. I threw a jab to feel where the My distance was and I just started taking body shots like Rocky in the eighth round I was just hitting body shots dog. Bam. Even Kate quickly called me. She was like, what the fuck I just did 45 minutes and 15. That's what I do When you do 40 15 minutes of punch lines A 10 seconds a 10 second setup and just punch lines of 15 minutes That's when you're just having fun. You just dissect your act

Okay, I got you take out the chitter chatter and just lay it on you got 45 minutes. You got 15 So you're just laying it on and what you're giving them is just body shots At the end of the set. They just scattered like a massacre They're like all over the place trying to hold on to themselves. I love all that shit. I love all that shit Fuck yeah, I'm a bro. I'm excited to be working with you, man. All the knowledge. I'm gonna get and you know what knowledge I got knowledge from you and no, no, it's just like the you always teach me like how to act and shit I remember one time you be like, hey, you can't be going into the improv with your nose looking like that I was like, oh, shit. Like I remember like you'd always tell him a dog. Don't party till you're done

You know what I mean? Because I used to fucking party hard dog or I'd be drunk and shit I don't know if you remember but you'd always tell me that shit. I did There was a certain etiquette. Listen, when you go to a club now, when you start headlining You're gonna figure something out. You're gonna walk into a club and they can't wait to tell you gossip Okay They can't wait to tell you about who got 10 hookers last week. Yeah, they can't wait to tell you about Pablo staying till Wednesday And they can't wait to tell you about this guy, you know Doing shit to the way staff where they're firing way people they can't wait because I'm normal when I go to those clubs

I'm very thankful to be there You know, there's people that lose that way and they lose that mind. They leave her way and they lose that mind Therefore, what do you mean by that? They go to they go to Nashville and in their minds. They're fucking real stars. I got you I got you. You know, I never bought into that shit. I don't stay very online. I don't give a fuck about credit So I seen people with a thousand credit suck the biggest dicks on stage Give me the guy with no credits that motherfucker. They'll kill you. You go to a local town as a feature act He'll kill you. Yeah, all feature shit doing shit about the city Ain't knows what's going on with there. They'll kill you

Those local features sometimes don't bury They know about everything, you know, the political or the city the views of the city and they're good They're headline. Yeah, they just have they just featuring for you. They got no credit You better fucking watch yourself dog. They'll fucking bury you those guys Those guys that know about the area and the landmarks and they grew up there and shit They're they're fucking local comics, you know, when I lived in Seattle, you know, it's funny when I lived in Seattle When I left Seattle, I had 30 minutes when I got to LA I had 18 Why because 12 minutes was about Seattle. Oh, okay

When you live in a place and you become a local at that place That's your bit. You know, what are you? What am I gonna do here? Talk about traffic done Talk about the pollution done. Yeah, what are you gonna talk about? Oh, there's too many Mexicans done There's too many Armenians done. They've all been done, you know, open up that door for me a little bit You know, so that's the problem you have But once when you're developing in Boston Like if you go to Boston, I've never been in Boston and you go to an open mic on Monday in Boston They're talking about local shit and you're dying

You're fucking dying. It's just yeah, I mean, I'm down for all that shit. I can't wait to I get out to Boston all that shit I'm gonna I want to die with them and come back. Right. That's what I'm right now You're at that precipice. You're at that precipice where You're featuring your headlining You're emceeing. You got the credits. You've been on showtime. I mean, you're right there. You're knocking on Evan's door You get developmental spots at the store. I don't know if you've looked around lately. There ain't too many Mexicans at the store No, no Jesus trejo. Yeah, that's it. You know, in the old days, there was 18 Mexicans at the fucking comedy store. No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah Damn freddy Johnny Luke Luke Where is Luke? Uh, I don't know. I see he posted something kind of funny I he said that he had a bad dream and that He said he had a bad dream and

He was watching a movie with the gay Rambo and he called him Ram bro And he's like they he's are they suck cock first now. I mean, you know, they drew blood first You know luke dog out. He's he's in a band. He's a comedian. Right because he was he always loved music Yeah, he's good. He was a music guy. He was always a music guy But I think he's I think he does two or three years a gig a year as a cop Yeah, I'm fuck. I don't know. I'm out here grinding trying to get mine hustling Working on together. How long have you been doing comedy now? 16 17 years, but you got to take three off because I did three years in prison

Which is time. Yeah, you did time served and then you got to be funny. Yeah And then once you told people you're a comedian will tell me something funny, bro. Oh, that's the worst Huh That's the worst. I was hiding being a comedian I don't want no one to know the fucking guards are the ones that fucking burned me all the other ones Yeah, because the guards are at the prison. I was that The last one I was at was in norco and riverside. So these fucking guards. They've been to well coyotes patio, ontario improv

They've been to the ice house These fuckers knew me like nothing, but they were like homie. I used to watch you a castle latina It was fucking crazy That's crazy shit. Like when a cop would be like, what's up, george on my pitch You can't say fucking hi to me and make me look like a snitch or something Yeah, so they never made you go on stage right? I went on stage in prison a lot and all the dorms they had dorms and a lot of the guards or they're mostly mexican are like Black but like yeah, they were

They they're in there 12 hours 15 hours themselves They were like fucking I go up there do comedy. So they would set it up and I would do comedy in each dorm Yeah, it was dope dog. I had an opener. I found some Puerto Rico for those my opener His name was Rico He was from norwalk But that fucking piece of shit ended up rolling it up Rolling it up means when you tell to go to the protective custody yard because you know, they're gonna get you Yeah, you know drugs fucking get everybody that fuck I fucked

So you were doing stand-up and how many minutes would you do? I'll do 25 30 dog nights a week once a month because like They had to make passes for me because when you're in prison, there's movement So I had to go through two stations to get to where I was going Like the guards will call it in. Yo, I'm sending Perez with two people They got a radio. I would bring a radio like I would play music before the show and shit And then I would get my opener to go up and do four minutes Best intro I ever fucking had Joey this for goes you might have seen him on comedy central

Now you could see him on the yard He's like give it up for joey Perez and they're like it was a dog it was fun as fuck and uh It made me realize that a lot of criminals are naturally funny because like Usually when you get off stage and you do a show no one's gonna try to give you a tag Or like a little something for your joke the fucking gangsta trolleys that they were giving me fucking funny as tags Hey, hon. You should say this. Hey I was like, oh shit. I'm gonna use that. Yeah. It was it was cool. It was fun

Hey dog, it was fun, but I I just remember like Fuck joey be a Friday night 7 30 And I probably think the reason I started doing cocaine again is I got this anxiety of like I'm locked up I can't go out and like be a man tell jokes. Go fuck go to the liquor store Go fucking to the movies. You know what I mean? I'm in there and my window There's a park across the street where there's families having fun people playing And that anxiety was fucking killing me

I remember I called Felipe as sparse at one time and I was like, what are you doing? He's like enjoying freedom. What's up? He like It was fucking crazy dog Crazy this last time you were in how long were you in three years? Three fucking years. Yeah three years right after we filmed by also comedy slam So we filmed by also comedy slam one 2006 2006 I went in June I went in on Felipe's birthday. I think it's uh On this birthday June 11th

Yeah, June 11th And yeah, that was it. I'm gonna talk about 2006 If I tell you where my head was at when I shot that special I remember you were furious that you were there early. No, you would not No, I wasn't furious that was there early. You were a little overweight too. I remember it's a lot overweight And I was just furious about life. Yeah, I wish that you know, that's why I told you in the beginning of this That being cavernot is not fair. You can't come at somebody except if they raped you Yeah, they physically put a pipe to your head or something like that because your character has changed

When I did the payaso comedy slam This is how fucked up life is that You work your whole life for a goal And somebody comes up to you with a major opportunity That you found upon like I found upon scott And I old and I called them like a man when it aired I called them like a man Because that's how I was raised. Yep

I found upon that opportunity You know how much I prepared for payaso comedy slam Zero damn Zero I didn't care about comedy At that time in 2006 It was dark, huh? It was a really dark time. I had done the longest yard And nothing had happened. Yeah, and a lot of people had told me that stuff was gonna happen So when nothing happened

It took me down. We shot that Either the night before thanksgiving Yeah, it was the night before thanksgiving It was the night before thanksgiving they gave us they gave me two thousand dollars They pissed me off because they gave me a check, you know, like I was one of those guys Like I got pissed off because they gave me a check. God forbid I couldn't buy cocaine You know what I'm saying like god forbid I got to stop at witley at the check cash in place Cax this and then go lose my like yeah lose 80 bucks. But I think about the mindset in 11 years

That when I shot that I was a month or two away from not knowing Where I was gonna go Like at that point I was thinking about breaking up with my wife Damn, I was thinking about going back to the crime life Nothing had happened. That's it I had done A few movies had done a few tv shows

And you know what these people don't want me They're never gonna get that the feeling you get in your head because I guess you're with adam sander terry cruz Yeah, that was great that opportunity was fantastic But everybody else When I when I first got here Would do half those movies and their skyrocket success. Yeah would be phenomenal, you know fucking Tracy morgan got the show with the chick Fucking terry cruz got a bunch of shit. Mm-hmm. Everybody got shit except me and lobo

Who's that lobo was the guy who played the linebacker that smoked cigarettes? He got sons of anarchy Oh, yeah, he got two or three up and they cut his head off. That ain't no happy ending and fucking uh, you know You and I was already a comic for 15 years I was already doing comedy 14 years. I had done spider-man 2 taxi I did a deniro movie. My name is earl. No. No. No. No. Now. I just did a fucking Adam Sandler movie and I still can't get an agent I still can't get signed. I still can't get a fee. I couldn't get a fucking theatrical agent

Like I had like a c fucking agent. I went to innovative I went to all these agencies that were like the b ones All of them turned me down This is what a fucking reel that started with deniro killing me at a bar with You know with with fucking Anthony Lampoglia. I had some great fun real Mad TV. I had a phenomenal reel It's 2006 the longest yard was out of year and it's killing and nothing happened I got a call for this. I got a call for that

And I shot something else but what people blew the smoke up my ass and nothing happened Nick the tour that the movie with tracy more again from that Everybody did something from that except me. You know how bad I was feeling I was pretty I was feeling pretty shitty. So I had already done comedy 14 years I did everything you I did mad tv Which is a comedy thing and I did this movie with Adam Sandler and I'm still not going to Montreal I'm they're still not asking me about HBO special I'm still not I didn't picture me at any improv. Yeah, you know, it's time. Like what am I doing?

Like I did every hurdle they put in front of me But now they don't want to do that. I wasn't a fucking bad place, bro I would buy a package of coke at eight I would go to the store. I would get on stage and snorted And then I couldn't lie. I didn't want the drug dealers to know how much coke I was doing So I had to wait till two to a bartender got off. His name was Johnny What's the guy make him buy it for you? No, I would make I would I would have him deliver after two I had a black guy. I had a Mexican guy at El Compadre and had a Mexican guy that saw coke on the street

I'm western boulevard and sunset If you just pull up at the car the light will come up to you and give you a blast A Mexican guy. He looked like a tree dog. It was the craziest thing when I couldn't When I couldn't find coke anywhere else. All I had to do was turn the car around go to western pull into the mcdonalds Make a u-turn and just park your car there for a minute And once I went back on sunset I would go on sunday with the light turn red and all of a sudden you see him come down from the tree He come over to me dog I met him like a year early in that neighborhood one night like that monkey

Like dog I met him like coming back from a gig with coke in my pocket Like I had money in my pocket and and in those days I would get lost and call edwin because you know how they closed the roads Yeah, how you edwin knew that shit edwin grew up here. So I would call edwin go edwin. They just closed the one The 105 what do I do and one night? I had to come home off the two So I went through something came off in silver lake Like by uh flies out. Oh, yeah. Well. Hey, baby used to live and as I went on sunset I lived on shreder dog. That's how I met this guy Out of light we made light contact

Like he was standing there like with shirt on flip flops like it was summertime He was out there sweating. It was like one in the morning and I was at at the cop And he was just like on the thing looking at me from the bus What you want to do and I asked him what's going on and I pulled over I just pulled over He came over to the driver's side and in Spanish. He asked when I was looking for I told him perico That's a he asked me if he didn't even ask me if I was a cop He went in his hand and he crushed something up and he put it in my nose So I couldn't even have a chance. Yeah if I was a cop or not

I give him the amount of money and he just put the coke rock in my hand And I drive home like the domino's pizza guy A little coke rock in my hand before it would melt and shit So I had a couple different connects. I was the dark place George Thinking back now. Oh my god. I'm just tripping out on it myself. I hated being here I was getting ready to leave the store Like I like I left the store in 2007 Around there and I'd already my mind was already made up. I had to get out of there

I had the surgery on my neck for the fat ball. They took out. Yeah, so I thought that there was bad spirits at the store I was fucked up guys. I was fucked up, bro I was fucked up. I didn't scott called you on this like who who hit you up to do payaso Scott called me and said do you want to do payaso at that time? I thought scott was a fucking payaso Yeah, scott was a fucking joke plus Marilyn was on it too. So you had Marilyn was on it. Marilyn got me on there God bless her. So yeah, all right. P. Marilyn Martinez was Who fought for me to get me on there? And if you look at the tape like those jeans look at them that $10 jeans I had combat boots on

The black shirt with a stain on it and I was just a fucking mess You know, I was really really really a physical and mental mess like I What got you out of it dog? I don't know it it was like a slope. Yeah, you you I don't know dog. I've reinvented myself, but it's still me what I feel like I I don't know dog. You've always I remember you podcasted first for all of us From what I know and it's just you're going dog. You're people know you it's going

No, no, no rogan did it and then I did a police and then no, no, but it wasn't like that I'm just thinking about how you really really really get yourself sometimes A dog I wasn't a really dark play and I wasn't suicidal. I wasn't like I was gonna kill myself. I just I had to make a move 2006 I was I was 43 years old damn in 2006. I wasn't no young kid no more Nothing was really happening for me bro. Yeah, I was I was getting spots at the store. I was 29 That's it. I was just getting spots at the store Nothing was really happening for me. I got these movies. I wasn't very much well liked

You know, I'm a mantra you're all telling me that they didn't like the movement in my hand But I created my own Problem exactly, you know what I'm saying? Let's not let's not Blame society in my head in my coked up mind I would created this fucking wall. There's a There's a tape that if you really want to see how bad I was You ask red man, you call red man thing you go red man. Email me the link

To the joe show when joe was talking That had to be around that time That was about that that had to be around january of 2007 When we did the joe show and I was going to vegas Bro, I would get to vegas with joe on thursday Get off the plane. We would do a show on friday into the ufc on saturday Doug Joe and those guys would go eat thursday

We'd go eat and after that I wouldn't see him till sunday on the plane. Wow I had a guy in vegas Who and at the time the ufc's were big this is 2006 I had a guy in vegas that you know how you have to get a key to go upstairs He would just knock on your door. You call him No, you were aware of all the hotel security He paid a vague to all the securities So he would bring me fucking coke and vicarins

That's a crazy mixture right there And bro, I would start eating the vicarins like Two or three or four or five of them. I don't know what I was eating And they don't make you know better either. They take you into a dark fucking fuck. Yeah, I smoked them on a blunt one Oh, Jesus christ. Yeah Jesus christ. No, no, no, no, no, but I would get Doug I was in a dark. I don't know I think I got when I got the two cats when I got dimmy

And harry dimmy started making me laugh. Yeah, I had this kitten that would go home at night and play with this kitten and then By june of 2007 I knew something had to happen. So I signed up In that little rehab on sunset strip under a fake name Okay, I went to a couple meetings and I tried it out, but I couldn't pull it off, bro. Somebody said to me weren't you in the longest yard? I just Said no when I got out of that. You were like mickey rick and the wrestler when he's cutting me. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, your battle ran that fullster. It's cutting him. Fuck you. He cut his arm and shit ran out of that

Punching the chips. It was just a horrible fucking one of my head was that I started doing heroin Fuck That's that's and that was just yeah, you know, I'm telling you you have no idea How lucky we are to be having a conversation here. I know Because like I remember shooting payoffs. I did not want to be there at all it was Like it was an inconvenience to finally do something That I wanted to do that's how twisted and demented. I know what you mean

You're like you've been wanting to do this shit And you're in this all your life. Yeah, and now I give it to you and now you don't want to do it now you're fucking bitching I didn't stay in the hotel. I gave it to dave. Yeah, they gave us like champagne and something else I gave it away All I wanted was the money and I wanted to get the fuck out of it. Yeah, that was it. I didn't care about the art I didn't care about anything if you look at the set. It's a fucking horror show. Yeah, and all I was looking for was the light Because that light meant the big coke rock. Yeah when that light came up. I wasn't doing like people who run the light You're not gonna see me running the lights. Yeah, I never forget getting that check

I'm like they're like we're having an after party of me going on meet you in the after party And dog I got in that fucking car and I remember them calling me like where are you and I saw that sign like 19 miles from my life And I was like I'm already and dave said to me dog. You didn't give me the key for your hotel room Because dave wanted the extra hotel room for him and Marilyn because I had a big room or some shit When he called me and said that they got on showtime I can't tell you how bad I felt Because you didn't give it your all in your phone. I cannot tell you how bad I felt Damn, I thought you did good dog. I knew that they had a bro. I was bombing

Those people were pure mexicans that didn't have a sense of humor. I seen them laughing dog, but there was some like yeah Oh, because they like they like alex tremundo. They thought this would be a night when alex tremundo were flicking your hand And drinking tequila shots and no, I I feel you on that. I'm out there like a fucking animal Fucking and sucking and they were frozen Did we do two shows or we did two shows two shows we didn't sell it out No, they were taking people off the street. It was embarrassing from the first show. They asked them to stay on the second Yeah, they asked them to stay for the second It just you know, it just it just wasn't

What I expected it to be and then The smack in the face was the reality The call from him going and got picked up got picked up And after they gave me the money I didn't want to do the interviews like they kept begging me when you do the interview No, I don't want to know part of it because I had done so many of those at that point That I was sick and tired of getting my fuck. Yeah, I had done so many latino pilots at that time Which so many different I remember doing latino pilots in san Antonio with the back was a castle the latin's uh

You know the latin squires of comedy. I did the the spanish kings of comedy I did 20 of those pilots just for the paycheck. Yeah, I was keeping you a boat. They never went anywhere What's the kid that books The room close by on third nice kid looks like delahoya for years. He would do the delahoya impersonations Sweet kid, you know the money ain't gonna get rich with him. Yeah, he used to book a room. I don't know never forget Like in 2005 after I shot the longest yard He had 20 cameras At the high he paid me 800 flat again part of the deal was what time will we shoot?

715 I want to be out of that by 730 Yeah, you do you do it. I go. Yeah, 800 bucks Do you know that that fool still calls me once every six months is a man We just got good news Tell him who don't might pick it up on my dog. That was 10 years ago Nobody wants to see who the fuck is this person? I want to know and now and he got a finance So he got like a drug dealer. Oh, shit They they built the set at the ha ha and the drug dealer sat like on a throne with the

Three fat ugly mexican bitches that had been beat up A thousand times their feet were busted You could tell that they were failed. They even failed being hoes. I think yeah, I'm not kidding. I know what you mean I am not fucking kidding you the headliner was gilbert Oh, shit with the yellow suit on and the preacher bible Like it was on like I bro. I had shot so many of those things I shot one with carlos oska I shot one when they came to me this I couldn't be dirty. What's the one we shot for jeff al den is the first one

The first one I shot with jeff al den's actino comedy festival Latino comedy. I shot everything that was a weird one. I remember will he hosted that one? Then we shot the one at the ice house for the other guy Fuckin locals local comedy jam So either local made it all right local's made it so either like 22 of them that I shot Three of them made it So you just assumed everyone was gonna fail? Yeah, at that point everybody kept lying to me

How would you feel if there's a time you don't know either, right? And you don't know you're hoping that and then they tell you a story like yeah Your weight's gonna be there and then you blow the room up and you're waiting for your reel I'll wait till you get one of those leaks. Yeah, I didn't even give you real wait till you got a movie And you want your reel they're like you have to wait till the movie gets released Okay, and then once the movie gets released you're like can I get a reel? You have to wait till it goes to dvd And you're like what the fuck

You know how many of those things I did that I got the reel from? Zero after you shoot it. They just stopped calling it because 10 of them were drunk dealer induced 10 of those things we were just talking about one. I did it with porno me sam trippley Jason, what's his name t-bo t-bo. Okay Duncan. Hey, what about that movie you did with Felipe? Well, you're like this sheriff. Oh my god. How bad was that? I don't know like where were you in that time in life? Were you all crazy coked out or oh, yeah Because you look like a crazy fucking cop in that shit. Look wouldn't see what my mdb. I think I was clean by that time

I think I was making the transition. Maybe maybe not. I'm not sure That movie was called a departed that the other department the fucking director had the worst wig You had ever seen and I got to be honest with you. I'm no genius. I got lived back in the seventh grade I'm a cuban that cannot play baseball. So I cannot judge anybody This guy was the worst fucking director I ever worked with in all my life was the nick tutorial special. You got these Filipino investors That then invested in Felipe sparses movie with the eye Yeah, what's the name of that movie that Felipe did? I'm not like that no more. I'm not like that no more

So look at the departed the departed on my mdb Where do you think it was? I'm just saying 2006 2007 Deported the deported the deported I'll find it It's on my mdb So here it is. Oh nine. Oh nine. Yeah, I was clean Okay, I was cleaning sober by then Yeah, but that movie was you know, these are movies unless you're shooting them

you Listen dog. I talk with shop. I didn't think it would make it either. And that's a problem that you have When I shot spider-man 2 I knew It was there that it was there when I shot baseball. I didn't think I was gonna make the cut No, no, because I didn't know what I was doing. What about grudge match? I knew I was gonna make the cut. Okay. Like I have to but then there's movies that I'm not talking about a studio movie. I'm talking about a movie that you shoot that people tell you Like an independent film. Okay. Like last night the guy the host at the comedy store told the story about

He got high. There's a transsexual as a tranny And the thing in the movie and it was funny when I went back to I go I gotta tell you what happened to me right after Seinfeld All the Seinfeld writers got huge deals If you were a writer on Seinfeld, you got a huge deal and there was just one guy Nope, I'm not insulting anybody. I'm just breaking it down. So Lee knows the type of guy I'm talking about He was Jewish, but he was uh white Privileged jew. Yeah, he had become white. He had forgotten his roots

And he was trying to talk all that hollywood bullshit And he wanted to shoot a tv pilot for mbc. They paid me Mbc rates and everything they paid. They didn't give me great money, but they gave me okay money And to be honest with you it was the office Like I can't tell you how many things I've shot That two years later became huge. We were just two years ahead of its time Okay, or they missed a detail or something happened The showrunner didn't do good or something something happened

This was a pretty good show about an office. I forget who the stars were they called me in To an early shoot and they shot me out real quick That was part of the deal when they when I booked the deal that there was not gonna be any overtime That they wanted me to understand was gonna be a 6 a.m. Shooting and be out of there by 9 They shot at cbs redford and it was the original office and for the uh one day for somebody's birthday That the original scene was that I came in with a pair of underwear

And that they hit me with a cake in the face All right now if I wasn't coked out I would have never done that. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, but it paid like three thousand dollars just for that more there Plus I gave a fuck about insurance And sag friend. I always always worried about sag insurance. You got to make a certain amount of nothing won't fucking okay so when I booked it Like when I went to wardrobe to try on the underwear The rider the white the jew that become a white privileged guy said, you know, it'd be very funny

If you put makeup on and did this and I'm fucking fuming I'm like, no I wouldn't I don't even like dressing up like a woman like that shit. Yeah, I don't I'm one of those guys. That ain't funny to me I don't play that guy plays a dress and comes out Don't even know that dude special was very good. I forget what his name was where he wore a dress But the after the first minute the shock has gone and you got to wear a dress. Yeah, it's like wearing a fucking Viking shirt to array the game And losing you know saying you fucking you got to wear that shirt on

Yeah, so I argued I had a shit agent. I told my agent I really don't want to do it. They just gave me an ultimatum They said either he dresses up Or we'll find somebody else and it was you know, and it was true. They shot in two hours But it was one of those things that they dressed me up like a tranny with underwear on in high heels And they kept hitting me in the face with a pie. We were crazy Fuck and after the fucking fourth shot, I had to like call time out and go

I hope you guys got it because i'm done. I got this like I wasn't a bad fucking you're ready to start fucking And it was like and it was like 2000 Two or three when sign felt like In your face dog or like tossed no in my face And it was like four inches of cake with tons of whipped cream and they had like 20 cakes And after the fourth take I said guys it's over and they're like no and I go listen That's it. Like I muscled them like the fucking chinese did to the mafia I go it's over and they knew I ain't doing it again

You guys got it. Yeah, that's it And they cut it and they kept calling me bro every two months, bro We're gonna get picked up And i'm at home cutting chicken heads off I'm doing everything I can for this show not to get picked up Even though I was gonna recur in the fucking show at like 9500 a week or something Because before they shoot the pilot they tell you you're gonna recur

And they'll give you that they're gonna pay me 9200 a week And every week I was gonna do a different stunt as a fat dude I don't want to do that. I just did it one time just to get my head together And that's what I was doing. I was making bad choices just because of the coke problem Got you. So I wanted by the time I shot payaso I was just sick and tired of hearing showtime hbo I had shot bro. If I tell you how many hbo specials I shot And how many head you'd be like floored like if I went home and counted them and went through my books

I gotta say I shot seven hbo specials with three or four other comics. Wow, and I got picked up Oh one in fresno we shot With this black dude. He had a brother his shit at hbo. My brother's gonna help me up and shit these friends with tito jackson You know, oh, yeah, those people one of those guys that the check was like They tried to put you in a hotel room with somebody else And you gotta step up to the plate my bad. I didn't know, you know I didn't know you didn't everybody knows they don't want to fucking, you know, I did all of them So that was my problem with payaso that

I was just sick and tired man. Yeah, it was my first ever. Oh you you guys are excited And I was excited to be there, but deep down inside what I was going through was such fucking misery Oh Deep down inside I was miserable because my comedy wasn't working The coke and the pills weren't helping My relationship at home was kind of starting to slip. I was losing contact weather in a way because yeah It's the disgust too the hurt that you put it. Yeah, it was it was like I'm not doing this poor girl Any fuck yeah, it's like you said when you're all cooked out

You look in the mirror and you really see yourself. It's scary It's fucking scary man Fuck imagine that shit Lee look at yourself and yourself is telling you a dog. You have black eyes You're oh, it's fucking scary. You're unhealthy. So Back to the question. Yes. Did you change in the last 20 years? Do you think that you changed as a man? I've completely changed as a man and like I could see it now like I've become a good fucking great father

I'm more responsible. How's your relationship with the it's Dude, my kid my oldest son lives with me my 19 year old. He's he's doing things and like we always hey I talk to my kids at least every other day or like I go visit them me and my daughter are real close. It's hey, bro It's like super Continuous action. I see you look good. You look healthy. Thank you. Yeah, dog. I'm gonna see you doing spots and it's crazy how You know people I got an opportunity now, you know, I got the snapflix thing coming Congrats my boy opportunity and again, I feel like, you know, I didn't do the job, but it doesn't matter I'm proud that Netflix gave me the opportunity

And hopefully I'm gonna put this no this tunnel rat tour together and I'm gonna use all you guys Thank you, bro. You know people reach out to me all the time like I'm gonna get the close to Irvine I start getting those weird emails whenever you do Irvine Brea Yeah, Ontario you get those long lost brothers that call you that yeah And it bothers me because if they would have kept in contact with me It'd be cool always, but they just come hit you up and they hit you with some line of shit me I like helping the people around me that I see making moves People people Jesus helped those who helped themselves

I've always believed I gotta see you. I'm gonna see you You know, there's people call me up like dog. You gotta come do my facebook and shit come do my podcast First thing I do is get off the phone and check their fucking media and stuff. Yeah If I don't see no podcast shit, you're wasting my three hours. This is an hour to go down there and I would have Do it now. I can't do it. I can't there's a lot. You know, I have a kid now I gotta be there either 220 My day either ends at 220 or at 345 I don't have the time I used to no more. That's it tomorrow at 220. I gotta pick her up tomorrow. It's a wrap

That's a wrap. That's the podcast. I do three things. I do a meeting. There's that My day is done. That's why I got to walk around at 6 in the fucking morning at 6 in the morning I'm walking around writing stupid shit making notes If I go to a coffee shop and catch a breakfast and write notes there I try to work out. You always got to do you got to take care of yourself You got to work out a little bit and then boom I pick her up and then I have a little grace time in between and after it before my spot Or another podcast, but I'm always fucking moving guy

I never that's why that Whole cabinet thing pissed me off and I wanted to talk to somebody who had been locked up and who was honest Somebody was very honest who could look me in the eyes. I'm like, I don't understand You cannot If I did something of criminal intent to you that is a criminal charge And it's still under whatever you could still do your thing But you can't come at me now and say that in high school I covered your mouth. I covered your mouth. That started scaring me for a while

Yeah, I didn't cover no women's mouth and then like that, but I don't know a lot of other crazy things That you got to sit there and say one of the somebody's gonna come out and go I did this. I'm waiting for somebody to come out and say I robbed them. Yeah, I'm gonna go. This is episode 228 I told the story of the podcast myself Yeah, we used to play this game like like, you know how you ghost ride You know how you ghost ride your bike? Yeah, we used to do ghost ride the back seat Where you just finger banged like if it went it went Sometimes his growth has grabbed my hand and made me go to town

Like they knew I'm like, what's up? You guys down? I'm like, you guys down for ghost for ghost ride finger banged He's like, fuck it So they'd open their legs and shit in the back through the car and you can't turn around And you just got to drive and try to get it in. Who does this? We used to do that. Why can't you just finger a girl standing in front of her? That's how I want to finger them when they stand in front of me and I can see that And I can see the look on their face. I gotta be fingering somebody backwards her putting that pressure on my elbow I'm gonna get tennis elbow from finger in the bitch. That's what I need. Can you imagine how'd you get tennis elbow?

I was fingering the chick backwards The fuck is wrong with these people? We're going to Cleveland, bitch. Thursday. Oh, yeah, ready to go. We got one show Thursday, two friday, two saturday George, I'm very proud of your success. I'm very proud of the change that you made and I'm happy you made it on this show And I want to wish everybody a happy fucking monday. It's your week. Grab your balls powder your balls Whatever you need to do last week was last week This week is this week. I want to thank george. I want to thank the fucking Flying jew the flying jew has been silent tonight. I want to thank your boy. Give a shout out to his company

That's a biz woods bzzt woods. They got the best Bluntz pre-roll glass targets. You can see him on fucking instagram And then he's got it in stores, right? Yeah. Yeah, okay, and we'll see him out there. Thank you All right. I want to thank george perez. I want to thank the flying jew But most importantly, I want to thank you guys. Hold on one second Listen watching football is fun, but it's more entertaining when you got action on the games. All right, whether it's hoops college hoops A hockey that's coming guys You've heard me talking about this for weeks and some of you are still sitting down on the sidelines like a mook

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Have a great fucking monday. Tell them all to suck your dick that uncle joey sent you kick this fucking muley I Want to be around To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart as I I Somebody who Will swear to be true as you used to do with me

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And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet As I sit there afloat from a front row seat When somebody breaks your heart like you Like you Do