Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #633 - Theo Von

Episode Date: November 7, 2018

Theo Von, a comedian and host of the "This Past Weekend" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio! This podcast is brought to you by: Stamps.com -  Use code JOEY for a 4 week trial which includes postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, click on the Radio Microphone at the top of the homepage and type in JOEY.   Quip - Go to getquip.com/joey and try their dentist designed electric toothbrush. When you go to getquip.com/joey you get your first refill pack FREE with a quip electric tooth brush.   Ridge Wallet - Use code "church" for 10% off your order at ridgewallet.com/church    

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gift I'm telling you right now you got a girlfriend a wife a husband somebody don't know that you want to give a present to this is perfect it's affordable and they'll love you forever so your first refill pack is free at getquip.com slash joey look at lee boy I love lee dude if I could fucking have an if I had a little bit of a lee man then I could take with me and keep somewhere and a little like a wheelbarrow but for lee's I'd put lee in one of those bruh sounds nice thank you yeah and pillows in there too I ain't just putting you in there on the metal that's real like some people would do you put them in

the shed in the back feed them food I'll put you under a warm lamp Lee that's what I would do starting to get creepy now it sounds like I'm a hostage hey calm down and be a good pet you little buddy put like a chain around his neck with a fucking chain hooked to the wall and stuff like that yeah but a nice chain like a gold chain I don't know if I go that they know go for this you can't put a silk hat on a pig you know I'm saying it's fucking Thursday November 8th kick this fucking mule league come now that's as good as it fucking gets the Ovan phrase go slime the family stone coming at you the gristle missile baby

Thursday morning what are you fucking nuts 20 a life no parole fresh from Buffalo New York you didn't have a fucking beef on wick I didn't have any stop dude I didn't somebody threw a piece of meat at me though on one of those street corners I don't know if that was wick or not did you eat it now wick is the role the role is called wick oh no it's nobody told me that I should have come in here for some way and not I could be a travel agent too no no no I just know what quality is and where yeah and nobody makes a bad fucking beef on wick in Buffalo like it's like a disgrace for them really yeah it'd be

like disgrace for them make it's known right yeah I feel bad I feel disappointed and get that shit five some fucking prerogies from the Polish neighborhoods I'll crowd prerogies fried like dumplings only you know it's not cat yeah the people like Lee and shit I don't mind a little bit of cat but you read Fox me Lee now I think so have you yeah I've had Fox man what was this it's not my it's more ligament than muscle but it's good you know Fox and do the crazy thing about Fox I was talking about this yesterday to somebody but you have a hunt no we caught a lot of shit though and we used to bury animals

we live by like a row where a lot of animals would get hit and killed so we bury him you know the first animals I spent the most time with were animals that were been have been hit by vehicles and so I could we would bury mostly dogs what else I think something else one time this thing looked like a damn fucking small bear brah and it could have been due because they have Louisiana black bears a lot of things you know and I'm not saying they're black or anything like that I'm just saying they happen to be black when people see them and they're just you know and but we would bury all kind of animals that

would get hit by us but what do you fucking undertake I see in that animal I leave it the fuck alone it's bad luck yeah but it was I don't think they were alive and they were suffering and then you shoot them in the leg yeah whatever the fuck you do but if they're dead this is Department of Public Works that's in charge of cleaning up the animals yeah but Department of Public Works I think comes for people that are paying taxes and people they got you know they didn't come bus dude they had some they had a veterinarian or something or like a some dude somebody used to kill throw dead animal carcasses in a ditch outside

of our house right for like seven years my mother would call every week come on big animals to grow up in Africa did you grow up a couple cats and Parsons in my neighborhood and walk around look I and I wish I would have had that man but we had somebody they had a I guess this person was a veterinarian that's somebody that deals with animals helps animals out and so this person would come and whoever they were at night that throwing dead animals you know instead of paying to get rid of them they're probably cost maybe seven dollars to get rid of them you know the whatever I'm

sure there's legitimate thoroughfares how you get rid of animals but this dudes out there you know chucking them in the ditch I guess on his way home because our neighborhood was kind of a cut through between like a nice area in town so you never did like a stakeout to see who was throwing animal carcasses doing off nah I mean we were out there a lot but we never saw the guy unless he drove by and didn't throw one out because we were out there but then what creep kind of sits next to an animal car I mean probably throw it out elsewhere but anyway so the um but anyway yeah must we go out there all the time my mother

would call every week come get these at you know the kids are out there beating each other with people chasing each other with fucking you know fucking horse skulls and shit bro it was it was wow that Christmas tea kettle and if I can serve and leave a couple cups right there boy big lead of farts funds baby welcome to Africa League normally I like all your sayings I don't like the farts but sorry sorry but and I'm just joking about that I didn't mean that I would never say it no it's funny when people he's gonna take a liking to it it's been like two podcasts and he farted on me oh I do need some countries

that's a in Japan that's like a that's like buying somebody a scarf you fart on some Japanese 23 and me he's got the thighs of a fucking kung-fu fighter son dude you got to know different nomenclatures and how to give a hug bro in Africa they hit you with a fucking pipe bro if they love you get a little air appetizer bro treat your nose treat your snout to some of that fucking free booty pasta brah brah oh my god Lee man dude it's so funny you know so I'm gonna I'm not even joking about when we need to think about something good dude I think about Lee man well thank you

that means a lot yeah I think about you man I think you just think about you who to laugh you mean just the stuff you say randomly like I just want to hang out and like listen to what you say during the day to yourself I just I feel like it's hysterical this conversation is getting creepy right here already I think we might be a little but that's good on oh yeah I know you're talking about shopping for peppermint they call it do I'm coming out of the closet pretty soon they say hey you know the boy over there little little Lawrence I don't care either brah I'll let you hang off my dick like a fucking

mountain care no I would never let Lisa not you guys but I don't have the same relationship with him yeah but you're still friends you can't I'm friend with him I wouldn't fuck him I let him touch my dick a little you know saying down to around the holidays bro this to make his day oh he's a prison hey I'm this guy brah fucking love that boy dog you know I told me what won't walk a lead one that mm-hmm how much money we can make with Lee on the inside just sitting on people's laps dealing cards rubbing their dick yeah I'm gonna bring in this back you can't just sit on someone's lap but they're not gonna let it end it just

left sitting brah so they're not in prison cuz they do they know how to hold fast Indiana you're an eight brah a one female in Gary Indiana dog you're a female I gotta pay 10 G's for you to put a wig on oh yeah special type of podcast and just muggers dick with your fucking neck Lee you gotta get out more get off the internet bro you gotta go hitchhiking man I really don't want I don't want to now you should go hitchhiking when there's a school project yeah I'm gonna end up dead what school are you and you doing classes online no I need to be classes here this is the only how old are you Lee 30 now are you really yeah I thought

you were like 19 dude are you really 30 years old yeah 30 years old oh my god my whole perception of you I thought you were like a like a you know he was a college kid when he first came in here oh wow that's awesome now you don't like me as much like that no I don't know he's just different you ever noticed me learn something about somebody you didn't know you know like you see somebody in there like a lawyer or something but then you realize they're like a sorcerer so they do say shady shit you see him like ballroom dancing and you're like this fucking guy ballroom dances I always think that always takes my brain a

minute or if you see a big big person and it got their stomach stapled and now dude I was at a pool one time and I used to work on this farm in the summer times that outside in Natchez Mississippi and they had a and this dude Don Blankenstein was the pool guy every year right and he come out there and I keep an eye on him because the dude weighed probably seven or eight hundred pounds bro you know what I'm saying he broke the gate every time he come in he fucking was the lifeguard he gets in the pool trust me nobody's drowning for all the waters out and the fucking kid who's sick is laying right there to see

the boss of the pool no he was the thick he was the guy who came to put the cleaner in the pool and so but he'd open the gate bruh and every time he walked through it and bring both sides of the gate down like he was just a he was gonna die soon you know when you saw him you know so you treated him well and that's one thing I like sometimes about seeing huge people who reminds you how to treat other people because you're like oh this person isn't gonna be alive very long so you would be extra nice to him and so but then Don once I'm I'm out there laying about a pool and and this skinny guy comes in you know he

could have fit through the gate with 90 of his fucking you know quintuplet whatever and he comes through the gate and like and he keeps talking to me and I'm thinking the guy's kind of a you know peppermint hunter bra you know what I'm saying a little tender and it turns out is Don Blankens Blankenstein he got the stomach thing and he lost all the weight and he was a different person though he wasn't the same I don't know it wasn't the same and our relationship was never the same as when he lost as when he lost the weight I don't know what we're talking about think about when somebody takes away your passion if

you're an eater yeah and you know it's like when you first get sober yeah you know I was telling Rogan the other day the worst two words in a person's life is sober and diet I don't want to be involved in drugs yeah I don't want to be sober yeah I never want to be sober because it would make my battle my inner battle too rough yeah I know my limits with cocaine I know my limits with pills I know my limits with alcohol I've known my limits when I was 25 anything I did after 25 I did because I wanted to but I knew my limits right you know when I went when I got locked up I couldn't imagine a world where I could

smoke pot Wow you couldn't imagine that I couldn't imagine okay cocaine I understand not having a girlfriend I understand being broke but I never understood a world where I did not smoke weed huh when I was 25 years old weed controlled my mood what did it do for you think I was in so much pain when I woke up and I didn't know that then you never know it when you're going through yeah yeah you don't know it takes 20 years to look back yeah you know I was thinking about it tonight how I was taking a shower that if I quit comedy tomorrow you would be to sign back up in college and take a psychology class oh

wow psychiatrist and do whatever I had to take I'd probably be 65 but at 65 I would help so many people so deeper yeah because I went through it yeah this is not somebody who studied it I went through it wrote about it looked at it mm-hmm I think about it I think about what made you I broke it down from the macro to the micro where you could put yourself in there you could put them in your shoes and vice versa when you become a comedian yeah if you're not brutally honest with yourself it's not gonna end well wow and in life in life in general yeah get about comedy and life in general if you're not brutally

honest with yourself it's not gonna pan out yeah you have to be brutally honest and a lot of people can't be honest brutally honest with yourself like this is not gonna work you know it's like I want at 27 29 like we're in what fat like age of 30 yeah I was I had made a decision a decision to do comedy yeah but I also had to make a decision about this hell I was living in I was living in this party hell okay drugs and I would be clean for three days oh yeah and then snap one night and then tell myself how this was the last time yeah I wasn't one of those pussies at a party that was talking about it by this time I was

partying by myself and this went on for maybe a year and a half yeah and I think by 1995 and a half I came to the conclusion like they say in the program you're a fucking junkie yeah and I had two decisions to make I go I could either be a junkie and keep fighting this but the reason why it became a comic was to be a junkie I want I read that Lenny Bruce book and that's the reason why I got into comedy so if I'm gonna get into comedy let's make a deal I'll do cocaine three times a week mm-hmm and that's how it started I just came to terms with it wow so you're thinking I'm gonna get into comedy so I could do

cocaine I was thinking I was gonna get into comedy to have a life I read that book we slept with strippers yeah he opened up the jazz musicians and I was content with that and none of that book we talk about being rich yeah okay no part of that book they talk about being rich they talk about money he lived at the Chelsea Hotel he just talked to life about being what was happy for him yeah and at that time that's all I want I had been through a terrible marriage I had already done time so I was just seeking to be happy but I knew I had a man inside could you was a real yet a deviant soul your soul was pretty sound like kind of

bifurcated I was living you know this wasn't who I was I was a nice Catholic boy who I believed in heaven and hell and I had a belief system your inside didn't match all your behavior right my inside the not that added to it yeah so now I have now I had to have that in a conflict with drugs fuck you this is who I am I've accepted it yeah and whatever happens happens that's it no fucking big deal nobody gets their feelings on Easter eggs again Lee you found one oh you find an egg boy welcome to Easter bra y'all killed Jesus here he comes back boy this is gonna brought a dirty bag of fucking baked ham not a fucking cave this

smells worse than your neck this most like those feet that are walking yeah boy it smells like fucking Thanksgiving night in a prison shower shoes off at night and sleep under a can't even with that little summer camp miss my like they've been walking for 20 fucking days those will be oh hundreds will walk 30 hours in a 20-hour day fucking days and they're really coming what are they gonna do up here do you think I think they're trying to seek asylum you know living in Honduras or Salvador right now those are not good places to live right now Sam yeah my father's Nick or you know that my father's down there if

you know anything about Central America I know like your Salvador is the prices are high they're killing people down there you know there's a lady who I talked from time to time and she tells me she goes only for Christmas time and that she has a house down there but she can't retire down there oh wow because they just kill you on the streets there's more murders something like that for that effect so I don't know if it's also I'm just cracking the right but yeah if that's your neighbor things can be great where you are if that's the neighborhood you're in you know that's heartbreaking it's a different you know

it's like when you read the Roberto Durand book you know he grew up on the streets so kind of Panama you know he grew up with this guy that was called on magical with some shit and the guy was like a shaman and he taught him how to hustle on the streets I live on the streets you know that's Central America you know if you ever watch Miami Vice either the second or third episode of Miami Vice I read the book I think there's no there's no fucking book there's Miami Vice there's an interesting scene where there's a little kid

what are you laughing at me for at least I'm I don't know I'm laughing at both of you I don't know what's right there's little boys in the room oh wow there's a drug dealer cutting the deal there's a drug dealer cutting the deal but he's got like a coin yeah in his hand and what happened and there's like four eight year old with no shoe zone in the room in different corners Jesus is it a magic trick no no no no he's talking in business deal it's like you coming to me and you want to buy 20 kilos or blow okay and what are the little boys doing they're chilling they're like fucking assassins oh really the eight year old assassins that come from fucking huts with their family Jesus and they're just waiting for their

next assignment they're all probably packing a gun or a knife and they got no shoes on but this drug dealer would play with a coin and he would talk to the people with the way I'm talking to you and there from time to time and we just flipped the coin in here when that coin landed one of those shoeless kids would run out and fucking pick it up like it was a fortune wow you know and I remember thinking years later about that scene now that's how you know Pablo Escobar got those kids to love him in in Colombia yeah he went to the poor kids they had no options he said dog I'm gonna put a thousand in your pocket every week

but you're gonna kill motherfuckers for me just like that no questions asked but it gave him a feeling of purpose you know I mean money talks and bullshit walks yeah at the end of the day money talks and bullshit really does I could blow smoke up your ass or I could put two G notes in your week and your hand every week when you've never had a dollar bill in your hand yeah and tell you looker I'm just gonna send you to people's houses yeah I want you to slit their throats kill their kids their mothers the dogs Jesus they got goldfish I want you to poison them too you know that's that's how do you think rat poison or

something what whatever it's just a point it's just a fucking point I'm trying to make that that's how you get you know take it an American ghetto here you know that's why they call it a whatever social social color economic they call the crisis not a crisis it's coming from somewhere poor yeah and what you need to do to get out of that situation yeah you don't know anything better man and yeah you just I mean I do dad this guy when I was growing up named Eddie right and he could have been fucking 13 he could have been about 16 or fucking 50 right I don't know what he was but he always drove he had a

5.0 Mustang you know or he drew 5.0 on the side of it or whatever I don't remember it could have been a fucking it could have been a you know a Pontiac Rinalt or whatever I don't know what it was but he always had these two girls bro sitting on the back of it and that dude was the king you know whatever he said when I was a kid we would have done it because to him he was the king he had a he had a piece of shit Mustang but he had the Mustang you know and he was a champ and he would buy you know the chicks would have like a daiquiri drinks bro and why every now and then he floored one of them we go rolling out the

fucking back right on the concrete brah what do you do for a living I don't know and I didn't care but if he would have said something to do like come do that like I was when I was a kid I would have done anything he said cuz he hung out with us and he spent time with us you know he throw the football around with us and he was a good guy I think you know I mean I still think he is a good how old how older than you was he probably maybe seven eight ten twelve years but he like could drive he had like the ability you know he had a car he had women he had you know he had things that when you're you know an adolescent

12 years old 11 years old you see that you're like oh this guy has mobility you know this guy has ability this guy has women he has everything so anyway I'm just saying I can see how yeah you know you're not thinking about anything else when you're that age and you have nothing when when you're young you get influenced I wouldn't get influenced mm-hmm but I'd look at guys there was this guy that I hung out with that was always at the bar in the daytime he was really good looking mm-hmm not Samuel huh no if I was 17 he was probably 22 no I think he's got same and it was it was a bunch of guys that hung out but I'm

thinking about him in particular and he drove a call that he didn't have a job and what his scam was he worked half the year and then the other half in those days you collect an appointment oh yeah you get a boss that would tell you I'm gonna lay you off for six months yeah like an appointment party cripples easy to call him by us and then you'd either take book or sell coke and that's a great living because you you're clearing 1600 a month already you sell coke make you know and this guy would drive a call that he was a piece of or he wasn't a piece of him he probably was he wasn't a piece of shit he was he didn't have no

careers right say he wouldn't a role model but his girlfriend owned the business mm-hmm and she had money yeah and I remember how that appealed to me for about a month and I was like there's no appeal in that I want my own money right you know I'm saying like you learn through life like for a month he impressed me mm-hmm that he had a girlfriend that paid the bills mm-hmm but even at that early age I was like you know impress me right because he ain't paying the fucking bills not that I could pay the bills at that time either I know bills I was 40 but it's just crazy to people that you look at and you're

impressed with you know it's like when you watch those fucking movies like I was watching the Nite Empire was a mm-hmm you watch Empire like the worst drug movie in the world but it's it's on BET once a month it's one of those movies that's always on between seven and nine you got a spot at the store at 1030 oh yeah and you got no choice but to watch it because there's nothing else on fucking TV yeah it's either that or bull racing live from Bulgaria and there's one scene where a guy goes up to him John Leguizamo's like a street drug dealer yeah and he goes up to me he's like hey man I really you want to kind of cut

your deal and he goes I want I want this new PlayStation buh-buh-buh-bye and John goes how much is it he goes it's it's $300 the kid goes $300 and the kid who wants the money goes he goes no it's $299 and Leguizamo goes I'll give you the money but you got to do stuff for me oh yeah you gotta clean my car so help me God if you you know like he's telling him what he has to do when he buys in the games like that you know those kids grow up wanting to be a drug dealer oh yeah yeah just right because that's the first person that gets the first person gets them yeah yeah that's interesting your first influence how does that yeah

where that first influence is not your dad how much that influences you that's interesting it's really weird and it happens with comedy it happens with anything that you but it happens when you're a young man yeah I was confused as fuck this 21 at 21 I was confused as fuck oh yeah cuz I didn't want to work I wanted a fucking new car I wanted money and I wanted bitches and I want to coke what where's the work Joey sure anything and I really thought that the fucking bluebird happiness is gonna just drop it off at my door wow like I I could look use both in the eye right now I'm telling you like I had no idea about

hard work I wasn't a lazy person right but what's the work yeah why don't I try to put something together so I can hang out the bar in the daytime and I don't have to go to work I mean that was my deal from day one as long as I didn't have to work in the daytime yeah give a fuck do you ever think that like you know you wanted to um you know have like a you know like uh do you ever think that you wanted to have a fuck man I forgot I was gonna ask you you don't even smoke weed no more you better get your shit together start smoking this is what happens when you get sober you get retarded when you go to

college for to get stupid that's like fucking Michael Corleone and see that the end of the god damn man I couldn't have any idea coming to my head man no I think it's funny how yeah what your influencers are you know the first person you see do this for that but then yes sometimes you are able to see past that like yeah there's some people you know we had this dude by us like you know in this guy now runs a tree company right this guy centered a lot and he he had a dude they used to do this thing where they had a lot of sinkholes I grew up running a lot of sinkholes you know I mean you'd have somebody you play

hot and go seeking somebody fucking you never find you know you fucking you go knock like you know you gonna knock on somebody's door and next day their whole fucking house was gone you know it's like I'd grew up in a lot of Louisiana like half of its sinking you know it's like a sinking environment so where are you from in Louisiana exactly Covington Covington Louisiana where am I in Covington Covington is about 50 miles north of New Orleans that's it yeah did they get affected by Katrina yeah everybody lost their roofs that's a big like over there the houses didn't fall down people lost their roofs so when you were

growing up what was Covington like was it a fucking death bed was it a projects was it middle range no it was at your parents have a little bit of money enough to sustain no my dad was fucking oldest fuck dude I think he was always sleeping on the couch used to go drink at this bar called Tony Padone's and he would take me over there during the day and the lady would see how many chocolates I could put in my mouth one of the bartenders back there big Jan at fucking nice is did you did you have nice clothes my mother dressed as poorly man I don't know where she learned to dress like out of an Indian shop and

like a Native American catalog you need for shoes did you need no it wasn't like you lived off hand me down right so Covington is not like you know some fucking neighborhood that's you know where your dog is missing no I lived all like I got hand me down clothes but I didn't get hand me down shoes like every year my mother got us a pair of shoes you know my mom did the holidays were your mom do for a living delivery she delivered what newspapers cookies magazines what about your dad these are amazing called news on wheels you remember that magazine you go to the dime store whatever the gas station my dad didn't

do anything oh you know my dad used to do actually this is funny he used to go to the guy he used to go to colleges remember they had to do that the colleges would sign people up for credit cards you know some fucking old dude barking over there throwing frisbees at kids and shit you know so that my dad had that job this towards the end of his life my parents weren't together anymore but my dad had that job and he would take me there with him he let me drive him I'm 12 years old right I had a little gross spurt I was at 510 that fucking lean bad boy you know ligaments only son dude sometimes I wasn't even bones part of me was just

ligaments reaching out and hoping that the marrow caught up you know that's the kind of guy was what did your dad do for a living for I don't uh he used to be like a travel agent you know he did a lot of crew like he wouldn't sign people up for cruises and stuff between Puerto Vallarta where's that at Mexico yeah between Mexico and America and D and geography yes I gotta deal with walking his room do it I fucking can't think I'm not you don't know what Puerto Vallarta is even I know that number dumb fuck yeah so uh there in Central America and he would he was like a travel agent I guess what did he do when he was young he

wrote for the newspaper you know he had a family he you know he was kind of European in a lot of ways he liked to be you know he worked with the church he liked to do a lot of he liked to just sit at like the coffee place and talk you know I think he drank a good bit how do you feel about religion at this point in your life I need I need a higher power you know and I you know for me what were you raised I was raised probably Christian you know I've heard of definitely I mean but nothing heavily I just always wanted there to be a higher power you know I used to pray at night and that sort of thing but you know now

I just needed to be a higher power because I want to have faith you know otherwise I feel like you feel alone a lot there you go hit him with that fucking Christmas hitter brah that fuck is that fucking booty star of David brah that air calamari brah you hit him with it I can't imagine what you see Lee from New York and head that's right that's right this is straight up you've been drinking aqua valve I got the vanilla on it I switched it up switch them you're accidentally by strawberry you're accidentally by strawberry unless the words you get on Mexican chocolate and the vanilla

chocolate salt the hook and you're not bad either but I switched the vanilla today the Mexican chocolate you reach him for the scoop and a night fucking pops out of like carry at the end the carry when she grabs a head through the rocks what's the deal with this guy what's the matter you fucking part of me three times in 30 minutes you're inhaling your mouth yeah make a wish you don't want to smell it but it's gonna be a lot dude where am I supposed to breathe you may just whiff it out no come on brah yeah a little whiff of this dude that's a no brah 3-4 it's your eye you fucking blowing this dude out his eyes are

starting to fucking heat up I'm sorry Lee man I feel like I'm being rude no we love all this shit yeah there's nobody in that will barrel go get that will barrel and it's got pillars in it to be nice and I put you out there under a lamp like a how old were you when you were driving your dad to campus dude I was 12 years old so that put him at 80 yeah he was 82 so he was driving he'd sleep on the way there I'd stop on my buddy's house dude as long as he was resting I guess I was fucking showing off I had a Delta 88 suddenly my friends are still you know going through adolescence you know inside trying to

you know blow a flute to get their dick to fucking get taller you know like they see on those commercials in India and I can hear I am pulling up you know in a in a cutlass and a Delta 88 I go in I'm like bro come out get in the back seat let's go for a ride right so my buddy Scott get back there and we were just fucking cruise around in my dad's sleeping and here the thing my dad's neck was real bad so even if he woke up I would just tell Scott keep it quiet back there for a minute you know I'll just tell him we're lost or getting gas or something and then my dad would go back to sleep and I cruise around a little

more and then take my buddy back I mean dude at 12 13 years old a friend picking you up we pulled up with a sleeping senior citizen do people thought that we were fucking you know kidnappers bruh senior citizen kid now you blow pots I think maybe we smoke the cigarette but they're one time bro do one time I do remember this I'm driving back from Hammond, Louisiana and oh so this how I kind of got an I don't know if it's how I got in a comedy but this the first time ever really spoke in front of people my dad would give people to sign up for the credit cards and he got a dollar fifty from the company whatever any college

kid to sign up and now if looking back it's like getting college kids to sign up for a credit card he probably started half of the fucking you know you know he probably ruined a lot of people's young lives that's what they do that's what they do that's what they want to do they want to tangle you up at 19 right so as you take that first student loan you get a credit card yeah that's true it's automatic you get your name goes on a list the eligible so I'd be on the table my dad would have me on the table and people come over and I would start barking at him getting them to come over you know hey you you know you

know guy with the nice haircut or something or the black girls a lot of times you know they have all the extra hair you know I'm talking about you have a girl of a fucking rope swing hanging hanging off the side of a fucking head you know you got summer campers swinging off the back and jumping into a river you know black girls have that long extra hair and you'd see them and you like hey you know and be sweet to them and haven't come over and and you would make friends and you would be entertaining and you get them to come over and then my dad would try and sign them up for the credit card you know you know it's

crazy Theo you just made me remind me of something it's so weird how people sound like that chick that people don't know that chick flow mm-hmm that that girl I got all those commercials oh yeah I saw I saw her I don't audition one day and it's funny that flow was packed up and getting ready to leave this town and she booked that campaign now she's a gazillion oh yeah you know and it's so weird that Josh Wolf left Seattle in September he's a funny guy of 96 what a nice guy too huh and my plan was for him to come down at that time we were very tight and my plan was for him to come down check out the waters and then I

would come down in eight or nine months and once I made that decision mm-hmm like all these opportunities started opening up for me the first one being I got this job so he went first he came first in September 96 he left his girlfriend up there and I lived in the back house and she was pregnant so he came down here first to get them set up I lived in his back guest house with just you and a lady it was that scary they had kids no they had children I was the kids I was tight with her she was a great lady right okay I just haven't seen her we were dear friends yeah cuz he's married to a different woman now bad yeah I'm

completely different I never met his first so he came down first right away I got this job yeah company that I know people I know shit this was a cigarette company no this is shit this was a shit idea and they paid me $15 an hour plus bonuses this is 1996 Jesus which is 20 years pretty good money one years ago that's great money and what it was was calling pizza parlors across the country and getting them to sign up for a service that at halftime it was a chain that's what it was that's what it was it was Domino's Pizza it was a scam nope Domino's Pizza had cut a deal with the NFL mm-hmm that during a game if a

Domino sign came up on your screen you got a dollar off a pizza hmm but to get that deal you had a sound like Domino would make its affiliates pay so I had to call those affiliates mm-hmm and make them pay that extra money to get so what it would do is as soon as they call Domino's that number it would go to whatever Domino's paid I see this was a scam inside of Domino's right it was like yeah I worked for a Domino's affiliate that was calling Domino's and saying listen we're starting a new program starting August 14th yeah and here's the deal every time people watching an NFL game this would be a Domino banner on

the side they say call now get $2 oh yeah I remember that fresh delivered pizza and they showed hot pizza on the screen you don't sign up for that the calls won't go to your pizza joint right the calls that go to the pizza joint and fucking North Hollywood and Van Nuys is the North hot really shitty to see what the corporation was doing from within but I didn't give a fuck right you can't fight that battle I could sell like a motherfucker so I was pulling down I was pulling down 1200 a week well how wide you ever quit that 35 hours a week like fucking four like something easy this is what I'm saying I quit that job a

step because one that at the fucking underground a guy approached me and he goes hey man at John's Club you've been a the old colleague underground at John Fox's old yeah John Fox's old man that's a great run this is no this is 95 this is a complete different it was different this is on the Swanish yeah and some guy came up to me and he goes hey man did you ever sell before I like yeah you know I sell whatever and he gave me a job selling phones mm-hmm that was just too good to be like pay phones pay phones so I would sell phones and advertising for newspapers at the same time you know me dog I'm a scam I buy

phone from you right now anything not to fucking have a day job yeah so I would hang out by the train station mm-hmm and I would either sell your subscription for the Seattle Times mm-hmm well I would ask you do you have a cell phone I would take the cell phone cell phones cell phone and he gave me a cell phone with unlimited minutes no in 1997 yeah you're a part of it and if you call like an athlete if the guy was giving me like for every line that I opened mm-hmm the guy would give me like 400 bucks and he was getting like 1600 at this time she told me the truth he was making that much money because if somebody bought a

phone and got a line the company this is 97 before people were having a lot of this right yeah this yeah cell phones cell phones yeah cell phones were a little bigger yeah I didn't get a cell phone till a cell phone till 2000 so if you signed up there was a kickback and the guy would give me a kickback it's a huge I was going over there every day and giving him seven eight numbers he would close three or four of them well and I would stand them all I can't believe I just remembered that way I would stand at the mall either and what buy stuff every mall no I wouldn't buy dick I would be that guy that I'm knowing oh no

way when it was raining I would go to the every body scrub no and I would sell fucking subscriptions to either the Washington Post Seattle Times oh yeah or a fucking cell phone and the cell phone was paying me fucking it was just amazing yeah the guy would show up every Saturday it's at the fucking underground and give me 1500 Jesus it was like Jesus fucking intervene I can't even imagine so the whole month of December I was making money so did you even want to come and do comedy then what you got that money I would have kept that no I kept I needed that money I was paying child support I was paying an

attorney I was in fucking so much debt it was coming out of my eyes plus I was snorting blow but now I'm making six seven thousand a month selling fucking cell phones in a mall every fucking day and now Doug Stanhope comes for new years and I open up for him and he talks me into moving to LA so my point is that it's really weird how places trick you right when you say the universe I'm gonna leave you get the best job in the fucking world yeah when I live Seattle I was pulling down 1600 a week just selling cell phones never mind fucking blow subscriptions to the Seattle Times if I had nothing to do I just you know

you're pushy lined up all your no I live with a stripper I live with a girl that made money and she I paid split the rent with her we lived in a fucking we we all fucking or not no no we she stripped and she was Christian so I slept in different beds like fucking the dick van dyke show we lived in a fucking RV we live in an RV at a place where you back your RV up yeah they connected oh yeah cable TV you got you had a shower in your RV or they had an athletic center this place was tremendous oh my god it was there for 20 years it was like a lot KOA or something it was like a kid no it was a little

bigger had a bigger name a better reputation yeah brother had restaurant crazy bra walking they have three or four restaurants real restaurants they had a gym a pool shower was it a movie theater in Kent Washington where fucking you know who was living in Kent Washington at the time Henry Hill no way Henry Hill was living probably I'm gonna guess Jeffrey Dahmer when he from there at the white note that he's from Milwaukee Wisconsin fucking I'm living in Kent Washington at a fucking RV park yeah with the stripper in an RV and a dog what a lucky guy and Midway Mobile Villas I know a mobile man trying to sell

you the name over here unbelievable wake up in the morning walk into the building we brush our teeth I give her stab and we'd walk into the building wow we eat two eggs sunny side up eggs like nothing at the diner they had a diner in there then we go back to the thing watch TV for a while I'd write comedy and then we'd both go into the gym I would swim yeah I would swim that because that's how you had to take a shower you took a shower cuz you had to work out in those days I was homeless so for me to take a shower I'd have to work out oh yeah yeah I work out twice a day I was tipped off fucking my Google

I love that when I moved to LA I was in great shape it's what happened to me I fell apart with once I got here I stopped doing everything but dude so now and I'm thinking about this while you're telling me that so I'm like you know that when you say so when you when when you start to tell the world or you know you tell like the powers in the world you're gonna move the universe when you tell the universe that you're gonna move that that's when the universe like starts to give you things to keep you they throw curveballs at you right they throw curveball so then you got to be somebody that then you I mean that's

like that's kind of is that the difference between some people and other people you think that you you're willing to just say okay look these are great things but I'm gonna still move away from this and take my chance that cuz some people would just stay do you think like there's something inherent in certain types of people that are then like okay I'm gonna put this on the line and still move there are people that will come to me and say to me Joey I'm a comic I'm moving down putting away money and moving to LA in two years that guy's dead that guy's dead yeah that's never gonna happen you got to build it

somewhere else that's no got what you're saying when you have the urge to make a move you have to make a move oh I see what you're saying the people who procrastinate that move will give you a reason why yeah they're looking for some before on their lap so they don't have to move oh I see they're gonna give themselves to your span so they give themselves a two-year span and what happens you meet some fat chick you knock her up yeah now your dream is quash because you got married so you gave yourself an out yeah sometimes in life we give ourselves our own out yeah but sometimes the universe gives you an

out and you have to take advantage of it you know the universe will give you signals yeah don't tell your science you know if I come up to you if a bouncer has to come up to you and tap you on the shoulder and tell you it's time to leave yeah you fucked up yeah you know when to put the drink down and get out and walk out of there yeah notice because you're an adult and because you've seen how people have acted once a town like I've overstayed my welcome yeah and because I've overstayed my welcome I realized when it's time to go right when it's time to go it's time to go it's time I know when it's time to go I'm the king of

knowing when it's time to go so there was a place I used to rob constantly I used to work there Rob constantly yeah I knew I couldn't do it anymore because I was gonna get caught and my reputation and my life was gonna be shit again I forced myself to quit I took a 50% pay cut because I was stealing but I knew eventually I would get caught there was no because that's the way like you drinking water I'm gonna smell that fun this is tremendous fucking guys are like a merry couple dude no no one this is in your 60s this is what sex in your 60s is like dude

huffing somebody's fucking booty huffing that little booty falcon bro importantly he's been sniffing fights he doesn't know that fight sinking into his t-shirt I didn't even tell you Joey I forgot to tell you sort of man we in our area they had a lot of sinkholes right because Louisiana's eight feet underwater brother if you look at New Orleans that city is eight feet under it's below sea level so here's the ocean right then there's naturally a bottom and that's where they built New Orleans you know that's so that's why it always floods constantly there so it's soggy everywhere around like our whole area

Louisiana's a swamp you know but they had a company for land when they wanted to build and before they hadn't you know now they got the surveys you see a dude out there in the morning you think he's a pedophile he's taking pictures of children or something but he's looking for distance with the lamb with the orange vest they made him put an orange vest on because everybody thought they was you know touching children and looking for children and now but before that they had they would hook a fucking rope to you are you fucking giving him huh that bird is hatching baby your fucking brain

he's getting the core of the asshole what this poor kid is taking that mother earth right that my farts I'm thinking of running out damn boy that fart had breast milk in it huh there's one that's percolating my asshole right now that's gonna come out like that Korean cent oh yeah that's that fucking lunch and I make it ricochet off the chair so it ricochets off the nine corner ball and it goes right through his nose he gets him nobody knows on the I've been far like this for 50 fucking years oh wow I know how to point my hips yeah I know how to bank them off the back the back I know how to oh yeah you

don't rob a pair of so far travel three feet per second so I could even bang it off the wall like I'm like a pool table right here there's a certain cut I eliminate I'm getting hot oh yeah you open the door that that's warm and that's coming out of my ass it's real that's doubt that's how warm it is yeah dude your ass might be really fucking hot oh shit look at Cleo taking off the shirt and shit fucking ass was Cleo Leo Cleo I don't fucking come on man smoke 25 I inhale 24 I spoke 20 yeah don't be such a hard don't be so hard on bro I'm from you get two letters writing somebody's name that fucking counts dude if they

don't respond after that if you get one letter right I just thought about Cleo that yeah but dude so they would put kids on they this one needs to put kids on chains and then have them for fucking walk out into a field and see if the fucking earth fell under them that's when I that's the area I was you know whatever did bad to kids oh yeah they definitely did look it up one of my I was supposed to look it up I don't fucking know you're the wizard over there first searching for sinkholes fucking Seth buttons over there you're the wizard bro type it in I'm sorry leave I'm being wrong look for that shit look for

kids tied up looking for sinkholes why you listen to them for what's wrong with you he's fucking with you I'm not fucking with a man I don't tie no kids up next thing you know tie it wasn't like you were kidnapped is the fucking 40s people up they would tie Chinese people up and throw them over the cliff with a stick of dynamite and that's how they built the railroads these fuck yeah man really the Chinese built the railroads this fucking country and that's how they would test it to see if it was good land they make them go over the cliff with a stick of dynamite on a rope and some shit something fucking creepy Jesus that's

why I don't think they were using white kids to see if there were sinkholes they had to be like from other countries or something like that no they didn't have any kids from other countries boss black kids that was it and then weren't using them to do that but they would have kids made it wasn't a day I mean you wouldn't it's not you're falling in the fucking you know in the like Hades or anything you would just fall like six or eight feet you know that's enough some guy felt two weeks ago until it got a rattlesnake you got to kill three rattlesnakes did you see the night witness news came out with blood rattlesnake

bites I'm sure right here but in the valley somewhere this whole fucking town you could be walking and fall into a sinkhole some guy fell into a sinkhole in his front yard and he was swimming in shit he fell right into that fucking shit pond that tank of shit in front of your house dude I could feel it in my legs if I'm near a sinkhole dude no joke I could feel it in my legs and that's from growing up in that area man you I swear to God you know like you know our senior citizens know like in their spine their spinal rattle if it's gonna rain right like you could feel that in your legs man growing up where I grew up you

could feel if the ground is you know gonna be solid or gonna you know start to give way I mean you got to understand how how soggy it is in Louisiana man you guys are it's soggy man you know the whole state the whole state you build dude you fucking build a doghouse in the morning it's fucking 30 feet away you know so what I see in the news all the time is really like it rains a lot in Louisiana as a whole Baton Rouge Monroe yeah all those towns and the water just yeah though it's so right there on the sea level you know we're probably above sea level right here I bet see we check and see what we are

leading man looking where we are above sea level in just even if you put like Los Angeles studio city we're not even what we're not we're up a little bit not you know Colorado up but we're up yeah you know what scares me about Louisiana well New Orleans as a whole did they prepare it for another Katrina I don't think they rebuilt it did they fucking repair it like did they really know I don't think you go back there do you see anything different I mean I still hear that there's places that are just done from Katrina it's still areas that are done they rebuilt a lot but did they rebuilt it to its stand cuz Katrina's

Katrina storms it just gonna get strong right and every year we're gonna get killed at one location whether it be Galveston the Houston you know Tampa Florida it could be one certain location yeah it's gonna eventually go back to New Orleans it's gonna be worse than Katrina it's usually off Claiborne in New Orleans most people but I don't know what happened they had they I mean if it was in the sinkhole already after Katrina I would have knocked that shit down filled it right more dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt you know yeah that's the obvious the mayor got put in jail Ray Nagan went to jail he went to jail the

chocolate Badger so that means that means that the money didn't get used for funds because right every man always went to jail right when they steal and they're all stealing Morial all of the dudes have always gone to jail from New Orleans yeah how they all corrupt yeah and when Edward he was a governor of Louisiana but he was super corrupt that dude they well yeah it's just a corrupt place man it's just like kind of you know it's like pirates and shit it's a little bit it's like Tampa but they built a whole state out of it now I was gambling a lot in Louisiana yeah yeah gambling right there in New Orleans you

got all the boats and you got Harris has a land casino the only one allowed and they showed that New Orleans when they got hammered that they showed that Harris oh yeah they showed the comic that was there they did know that the comic that was there during Katrina billboard was sideways he was a comedy store guy oh wow his name was uh James Stevens the third wow and he was at that casino that week that'd be interesting to get his take on it showed Katrina when they showed New Orleans they showed Harris on sideways with his name on it and that's why it was just really interesting if they I haven't been to New Orleans since

I I've been to New Orleans two times and the second time was a lot better than the first time yeah the first time is one of most uncomfortable situations comedy wow really I took my grandma blow and I got the car and drove back to Houston yeah that's everybody's story in the hotel was kind of a little weird the people a little weird when I went back to shoot brudge match mm-hmm since I didn't have to go to those weird spots the more comfortable it was more comfortable they put me in a hotel that was it was a home they served three meals a day wow and it was the food was delicious yeah first let me know the food was out of

this fucking world man wow I don't know what the name of the hotel was you know you had your own floor wow tremendous I still remember sitting in the living room like in the dining room mm-hmm like it was like the last supper table mm-hmm and here I am all by myself they gave me the whole floor yeah so you had to use a card and gee thanks and maybe three or four floors five floors I think I was almost downtown a little bit off the city kind of it was a little bit off the city and had a you had to be downstairs from 79 to eat 12 to 2 or 5 to 7 to eat dinner tea and they had two or three things on the menu there's no choice if

you picked one thing it came with a soup salad yeah it was fucking superb wow and I know that the one night we had a party and I went to the club and it was superb it wasn't as dirty as I had been the first time yeah when I went to New Orleans the first time it had to be 99 98 new ones is out of its fucking mind was Katrina 2000 uh no no 2006 when I went to New Orleans in 98 to do county that time I took a fallout it was either 98 or 99 and dog I gotta tell you something from the minute I parked the car to the minute I walked to the hotel to walk into the gig I thought I was gonna get jacked yeah I'm fucking my you know I'm jacked people right so I felt like I was gonna get jacked you got the

feeling even the street lights are fucking telling you were you about to get fucked up there was people at every corner it was lookouts yeah people bumping into you and years later they made that movie focus about pickpockets and then when they when they go to the Super Bowl in New Orleans and I thought about that movie how that dad saw pickpockets yeah too many people bumping into a lot of brothers a lot of brothers with bad intentions you know the black on black crime there especially at late at night it's crazy to drug situation yeah reminding me like I'm walking and some guy comes up to like I you know listen you go to New Orleans you gotta go downtown and see it you know I'm saying I'm not yeah you gotta go to the French Quarter you gotta go

take a walk down there so we got into town maybe two checked into the hotel and went right down yeah I mean I wasn't on that block a minute and I gotta flash back the 42nd street yeah in the 70s where people are yeah come in yeah come here I got coach I'm not drinking yeah so I'm looking and I'm like making believe like I'm having a good time there's tons of people on the street and right away some guy came up to me oh yeah so what are you looking for a player they'll have a baby carriage for the fucking cocaine I don't know what you got yeah and he goes I got this I got this I go let's get some cocaine let's see what you got he goes man I got cocaine let me get dancing shit yeah he goes stand right here my play I'll come over and talk to you give him the

money then I'll come back and it's all that shit and I was like game out at the end game out yeah that's how it always is and that happens a lot and I saw it I mean I saw it within four minutes yeah but a lot of idiots won't see it well they're tourists they're looking for drugs and they want it fast nasty and they're just gonna get robbed they do that shit man I went back to the hotel room when I got to the club the door man asked me yeah you know anything why yeah what are you talking about we got powder give me a gram powder everything it was beautiful yeah I took it to the hotel room I did the line and even the front desk people I thought we're gonna rob me like everybody there just seems so fucking fucked up it seems like a movie I mean I I tell you what fucked me up

they knocked on my door well as soon as I got to the hotel room oh that bathroom I took a piss I washed my hands I took the coke out I chopped it up I opened up a beer I took like two sips out of the beer I had a six pack with me I did a line of coke dog one little line I put the coke away and the door knocked and when I opened it the guy was like oh man I'm just checking up on you making sure you're okay and I was like the fuck you doing yeah we're adults we're checking up bro the coke hit me a little bit but not enough to make me paranoid or fuck me up yeah I called the other comic I said dog what are you doing he goes down like you feel like driving home he goes I don't want to spend the

night here either wow we both got in the car and I left and that was mine and I'd never forget walking back to the car it was 11 30 and all like the smell was fucking vomit yeah oh and if you down by the french corn stuff is gross it's not like but they're redoing it now they're redoing the streets down there when I called you last week you were in New Orleans I was in Baton Rouge are you in Baton Rouge I thought you were in New Orleans but dude even in Baton Rouge man I'm out there we're taking the kids I got nieces and nephews you know and they're little tigers and all kinds of shit you know costumes and we're taking them and you'd have you know couple you know brothers running by like I got coke you know I got coke and it's out there fucking taking the kids like trick-or-treating

you know I got Molly what you need like what the fuck dude I'm already you know they got the kid dressed up like a damn mountain lion I'm not doing a bunch of coke at the house you know yeah reminded me of Times Square like that was just patient barking at you I got coke I got fucking drywall one dude had drywall I'm like I'm not fucking buying that at night the guy I was with that was driving was like a nice feature act like he was like Lee yeah and he was petrified yeah I don't even think he's in the business is leaked open for you no no no no no no no no no I'm talking about this guy had been doing it for like 10 years eight years yeah he had a day job yeah and he drove me and he was like he didn't do drugs he didn't drink he had a girlfriend

he was like Christian and I remember even at the company he was scared he didn't feel good yeah he didn't like it the gig was like a once a month thing and they got drunk people yeah got nine drunk people bro they didn't even get an audience they paid you and I heard maybe a month later they canceled it yeah every time that happens in Louisiana they don't want comedy man they don't want comedy because they like to hear the story Baton Rouge they do Baton Rouge had a funny bump for you I used to go to Mike Mike what's his name had a club down there my buddy Tommy Pankos was the DJ over there and then he ended up being the GM for a while at the funny bomb yeah that's why I started I was there when the girl was there Chris Titus his girlfriend was the man

oh no that's Shreveport that's oh is that Shreveport okay does Baton Rouge still have a club Baton Rouge doesn't how about Shreveport it moved over to Bozier across the river over to Bozier city I opened up for David Tell there one time and Tommy oh fucking Andy Dick tried to blow me at the casino there right then how about this three years later I'm back there again Andy Dick's there shooting something again I offered to blow me at the casino he forgot he'd offered me three years earlier and I told him no what a small world you know what did he say to you how did somebody offer the structure he had a girl he had a little hit man so he baited you with that pussy and then switch it out for his own wiener well that was like his move you know send the girl over yeah

you want to come do something wild or something and then you come over you know and you'd like be thinking about her pussy or thinking about her tits or something and while you're doing that he'd suddenly he's there and then they're talking about like a threesome or something and then she goes to get you know get something get drinks or get a salad or something and then you're fucking sitting there it's just you and him you know you're like fuck this shit man you know I'm not doing this I'm not fucking out here looking for sinkholes for fucking two dollars an hour you know you should have called me a fucking decade ago bro and tied a chain to my back you know fuck you to that too oh he'll fuck you to that bro he'll fuck you like a bishon on fucking on

meth bro he got arrested again recently do you know did he I don't know he's got a beautiful son though his son is a fun is a nice kid sonny uh Lucas or whatever his name is how do you know through comedy yeah I met the son through comedy because the son of a of a always tries to do comedy as well and he Lucas dick is his name he's a super nice kid he's actually pretty funny I don't know if he still does it or not in july and I'm not judging I don't know if everybody's funny in their own world sexual battery what's sexual battery I don't know dude but I could fucking add two charges to it I'm sure yeah I'll tell you that dude I mean they were AAA batteries I saw his dick bro it's nothing to fucking even look at yeah he showed me a dude and I didn't look

for a long time I'll tell you that bro dude it was a kind of dick you could see in one glance like some dicks you got to be like oh you got to almost look at both sides to see the real you know to see the whole city but this thing it was a little township bro it was something that happened South Africa out in the Soweto villages or something like I said when I was a young man a guy tried to in a car trying to grab my dick that's one thing yeah but a guy taking this dick out I don't know what I would do I think you just walk away man or you say something crazy you know I wasn't like I'm not like a if somebody wants to be wild and they're on drugs I'm not a violent you know here's what works for me no I'm out bro you know I don't do all the party

meeting all of that so there's a certain element of your manhood there's a certain element yeah of your manhood you know that one day you decide what you what you are and what you're not gonna do yeah I have nothing again nothing whether you want to be a transgender if you want to be gay I have nothing about your sexual orientation if you want to play for the fucking Tampa Bay Buccaneers I don't give a fuck but okay even boogie nights you've seen boogie nights yeah you've only saw it once though okay there's a scene where the heroin boy buys a new car and he calls markie warburg to see it and the guy makes out with him and markie markie warburg goes what the fuck happened and he doesn't really know and it's tricky that shit to me like I would know what I do

like if somebody went to make out with me yeah like I would know what to do what if they were like a world champion of something I still wouldn't know what to do like dude if some fucking you know some guy who sells you know salads or something trying to make out looking at you on a line of coke and going you know what Theo yeah I don't know if you know this I switch sides in time to time I think you're very handsome right I think you would say to me joy you're my dog and I love you but you and me can't bat that way I don't do that shit I think you'd be mad at me for a week you tell a couple of your friends but then over the years we forget about it that's one thing if we were coped up at five in the morning and I came clean with you that I banged a couple guys from

time to time yeah married I got a wife but I'm bisexual that's one thing but for me to be snorting coke with you at your house yeah and all of a sudden I go to the bathroom and I come out and you're naked on your couch I gotta fuck you up yeah I gotta at least smack you in the face yeah to make you I don't know I don't know how it would react I do something I don't know how it would react if you just took your dick out if you see here's the thing if I've been around guys who've taken that dick out and I've laughed yeah I'm talking about that I'm talking about me going into a bathroom me coming back out and you're naked on the couch and you sit next to me and touch my dick or something I'm not doing that shit I don't know I wouldn't do it I don't know I don't know I say

don't do it and I've been in cokey situations where I could see it coming on and I don't laugh yeah left before it even happened oh dude some guy in New Orleans one time had into had fucking locks on his bathroom this guy gets me into the bathroom we're doing some cocaine after the super bowl or something and next thing I know they have two doors in the bathroom you know and he have puts a fucking bolt on one of them and I'm like Jesus dude now look over the other one and it has a bolt on it I'm like I'm out of here Jack you know and I thought about trying to do a little more cocaine and then just keeping my foot in the door wedge while I did it but I was like fuck no I'm just out of here because you don't know what that guy had I mean it is I don't know I but

you know where the place where that happens the most bro and you can hear it happen in the distance is Los Angeles yes yes this is the kind of place like you know for as much as this as Los Angeles and the people out here call out like the rest of America for having shitty values and this and that this place is fucked up Jack this place is the dark arts bro this is people have no idea you know if you really think about it and I'm not uh being a funny guy here whatever the me too movement is slowed down a little bit yeah thank god a lost momentum yeah I was getting too out of control I have a daughter I was raised by a single mom I have a wife a ton of my friends of females yeah and I feel for you but it was getting I think what Argento got busted for fucking the underage

kids yeah and then these women came out against Kavanaugh and that you know 36 years is a long time I changed a lot oh yeah 36 years it's 1982 I think of the person I am and I've changed four times yeah agreed you know that's number one you can't take that away from a man the woman in number two I think that you know you have your fucking Gosbys you have your Harvey Weinstein Harvey Weinstein was 10 times worse than what we know right right and the people that last night or two nights ago Alicia and there's 20 more Harvey Weinstein 100% and there's a lot of actresses hiding those men still and they knew about him it's only whenever the you know the thing the gavel starts to fall and it affects people's pocketbooks and shit that they or they realize their money's safe then

they'll chime up well I love NBC they gave me Sam from the Sun they gave me cheek on the man they gave me news radio they've given me a lot of shows of life yeah but think about that I want you two guys and the people listening at home to think about that mbc knew about Bill Cosby again mbc knew about Bill Cosby right but they didn't give a fuck because of the money he was generating yeah okay that goes with any sport Conor McGregor could do whatever the fuck you want oh yeah when you generate that type of money you want to come out of the way in with a bottle of whiskey and a fucking and give it to the president of the fucking league or whatever he calls himself you know when you're that type of person Daniel White you could do whatever the fuck you want

you know so yeah there's 20 Harvey Weinstein's yeah that we have not been exposed yet or nobody really Sean Weinstein dicks and Weinstein's yeah there's there's a bunch of Weinstein's that have not been exposed that are hiding now yeah went away quietly into the night that said you know what we got away with this for a long time we didn't nobody came out yeah and we here's one you know one thing that I started to notice when it was uh you know I think there's a lot of comedians out there that start to use it as a not even comedians I mean I guess there's just it's uncomfortable when you start to feel like and I just try to trust my instincts I know a lot of women are you know taking advantage of I know dude a lot of men get objectified by women as well

these days and people don't want to talk about that you know and that sounds like kind of a bitch thing to say but you know there's a lot of women out there using men as they see fit as well you know for different things and you know it's a place yeah here in LA yeah in LA here's a business and so I don't like it when you get a lot of these you know fancy ladies saying oh feminism this and feminism that but they're just selling books and bullshit to you you know I'm saying they're just peddlers they don't give a real fuck about anybody but themselves and I you know that's one thing I hope technology at one point can like tell people's hearts you know like I'd hope at one point like a Fitbit you could wear a Fitbit that tells you like if that person actually has any

genuine care in themselves for you you know and I think that that's when technology is really gonna help us because right now we're out here fucking around you know people jerking off guys addicted to their own you know semen and everything all of this shit on the internet and it's just you know we're in the rock-gut stages of technology right now we're still learning about this shit we're in a place bro but yeah the me too this thing was too stuff too it was too well here's I just wanted to get this point out sorry to interrupt you Joey um girls started asking me can I come on the road with you to open for you right and I was afraid to let them come with me because I don't trust like that's what that movement kind of did to me because I've always

tried to value women yes like have I I'm sure I've objectified women before sexually you know and wanted you know to be with a woman just for sex or had sexual interests you know like lead some of my thoughts I think some of that's limbic and a man you're gonna you know if I see a woman I don't you know my first thought is in like I want to you know buy her a house and just think about her always my some of my thought is in my dick you know and that's nature and that's mother nature puts some of your brain in the end of your dick and the thing that gets me is like now it's like women will ask me what I can could I come and feature for you and it's like I don't know like that's very scary like I've looked two years ago I'd have been like yeah I'll give any woman like

I don't have any issue with it right I'm not gonna try to fuck this girl you know I respect her as an artist but now I'm like what if this girl has some crazy intention well no you know what you're taking on the road right but it makes me second guess that quickly and Felicia Michaels I've known them both for years yeah yeah Kate I have no I have no it would not turn me on to fuck Kate I love it that she's beautiful right like a little sister yeah you know Felicia's like a sister to me yeah so if I went on the road with a woman that came up to me like I've had women ask me and they not don't stay at the hotel they stay at their own home they live in Austin right like that I have no problem bro I don't play that shit at all I know what it's like to be a young girl

I have a daughter and I remember what it was like 20 years ago I'm gonna tell you who can't stand me right well I'll do that I was thinking about this the other day you know who cannot stand me you know you can't mention my name around Chelsea and well she's the worst the first time I met Chelsea and I went off on her in a sexual way you try to fuck her she was fucking gorgeous yeah she was gorgeous I knew that at that time she was doing drugs yeah she was opening up for David tell I was fucked up on drugs did y'all ever fuck no what are you fucking retarded are you fucking crazy no it's crazy would fuck someone I think people fuck each other I think I'm telling you you can't mention my name around I went to that black club she still wants to fuck you

no bro stop trying to be funny I'm not trying to be funny there was no fucking involved I was a fucking asshole tour we were doing that dumb black club on fucking J spot no the other one union station Beverly Beverly Boulevard up down the block in the chicken place there used to be a club there one night and there was comedy union comedy union this had to be 1998 bro and I was out there every night with a package you know and I met your geeked up I'm geeked up Lauren bitches with Coke yeah and I go to she's there and I go to the comedy you need to do a spot and I see Chelsea Hannah looking finer than a motherfucker did she have big breasts then oh in 1998 Chelsea handler was fucking banging so we start talking she tells me how well she's very sweet to me yeah

she tells me what her credentials was and not six minutes into the conversation I'm like let's get a rock of coke and let me eat your pussy and shit and I face turn pale and she's crazy as it is but I knew that I had done something wrong and and then three months later she was dating a friend of mine and I went to a black guy no a white guy and I went to a party and saw her and the look she gave me was just hard and after that somebody came up to me one day and they go why did she hate you so much and I know because one night she caught me you know like just some girls and women throw throw you off you know I'm saying like you you have no idea how good she looked at me yeah like this is when Chelsea had the Volvo that's how that's when she had the Volvo wow she

was banging she would go up to the store and do the 915 spot every night fucking banging but I'd never met her before yeah I'd never met her before I saw her and we started talking next minute we were talking about cocaine and shit and next thing I'm like Chelsea I gotta tell you something you look fine and I'm mother wow yeah let's go somewhere and do some blowing she was like what the fuck are you talking about get the fuck out of you disgusting fat and slob really were you fatter no I just just I was just you know a gross person and I didn't know I was doing coke yeah until this day you can't mention my name it's fucking hysterical but at least I'm honest about it yeah I didn't grope her or Arvia I just asked the truth I'm gonna suck you you know

I was oh yeah when you're on cocaine man from 98 to 2000 until I met Terry 97 96 that was all I had I wasn't a handsome guy yeah so I would just tell you I got an eight ball of coke and you got a pussy what do you want to do yeah you want to sit here talk to Leo night about fucking computers and putt yeah or you want to come up to the room and get your little monkey eating with a coke yeah if you said that the 10 women two of them are gonna go home with you dude I'm about to go home with you if you say it 10 times right now if you go up to 10 women and say that one of you is gonna take you up on your fucking home yeah you want me to fucking it was crazy hunt that fox with this yeah it was fucking crazy oh dude I was crazy I remember

yeah man and yeah I remember she came into the I was working at some club over there they used to have that when I moved to town man I really started doing comedy in Los Angeles you know when I really think about it like I think the first time I ever went up on stage was in New Orleans but after that I just happened to be out here I came out here to visit a buddy and then next thing you know they had comedy I ended up living with my friend and they had comedy down the street from us over on San Vicente over in Brentwood and so they had a place over there that guy with the wooden leg used to run it TJ's white boys a comedy Mark Franco and TJ Mark somebody not TJ Markwell different TJ's but uh they it was two blocks away so I walked down there on Wednesday night

and they started letting me get up but anyway Barucho had a room over there in Westwood and Chelsea Hanna would come in Jim Norton would come in and stuff and this was Chelsea wasn't like famous or anything but she was kind of popular you know she was a comedian it was always like real amateurs over there and uh and yeah I just didn't like I went and did her show one time and she wouldn't look at me and she just treated me and then on social media and stuff like and social media is not a good way to judge somebody but you know sometimes we do and she doesn't even have any empathy for people there's something about her that makes me seem like she's just disconnected you did the TV show for yeah how many times did you do it just one time and what was her behavior

towards you she wouldn't look at me you know she would talk to me well it wouldn't look at me and she just made me feel I don't know she didn't make me feel like welcome you know and when you're young and you're nervous and I already got nervous and I already you know the industry had like you know it was never really giving me much you know this industry's never giving me much you know it's crazy to me you're just getting a show over there at Fox you know or I don't know if we can talk about that or whatever but you know an opportunity for that you know it's like it's crazy to it's like just but anyway I've always had that little bit of chip on my shoulder maybe but yeah she just made me feel like I don't know like I wasn't funny or I wasn't good enough

for just stuff like that you know there's nothing worse than going on something and somebody shuns you like you expect it yeah because I had expectations I had to expect at least there would be some niceness you know like there's some excitement instead it was like she's just kind of like this this star this thing but now to me she she I have this vision of her and this could be wrong of like a lonely you know older woman in like a castle with all this money and she's just lonely and I don't want anybody to end up that way and that could just be me thinking that way to make myself feel better you know that she that I felt like she was mean to me but I you know she seems like a real cunt to me so whatever you know you gotta give something up or something you know and with fame

comes you know like I remember watching some program and Jennifer Aniston said when they shot the pilot for friends that to celebrate the guy took her to Vegas because they kind of produced it took everybody to Vegas wow and then gave them each 500 dollars and said walk through the casino and gamble this because that's the last time you're able to you're ever gonna be able to walk through a casino again wow that's how big you guys are gonna be you know they knew it out of the gate huh they knew it out of the gate you know and it's so weird how you that's amazing listen man I was in this for so long and I struggled for so long as a human being that no matter what you throw at me now it wouldn't change yeah like I'm done like yeah you already baked you only had me

to go crazy when I was maybe up to 32 yeah 33 34 yeah I would have gone a different crazy I would have gone drug crazy at that age but I always knew what I was what makes people crazy in this town is not knowing what they are either they they're too much or too little it's like being somewhere where you don't belong I always stress that because one day you're gonna do that and you're gonna see how bad you feel and you're gonna think of me as a comedian or an actor you know when you when you shoot a show you ever shoot a show for somebody and you go to these shows and you see the same fucking comics they're always coming by to say hello yeah yeah I got invited to this so I came and you look at them and you go have you shot this show and they go no

and you feel bad for them you go then why the fuck are you here because I shot this show one episode and I feel being I feel bad being here like I shot one scene on one show and I feel like a fucking asshole so you didn't even shoot the show but you're down here doing what what is your purpose yeah what is your fucking purpose you look like a fucking idiot yeah you're eating free food whatever you don't belong somewhere do not be at that fucking place yeah do not be at that place you asked me a question before you go to you take Lee on the road he's been doing calmly less than a year yeah I didn't realize I would not do him any favors yeah it would not do him any favors it would ruin him yeah it would ruin him I know that he's not ready by no means yeah

he's two years away or I'd ruin him his whole perception of stand-up would be ruined it's a good point that's that's very true perception I took him to the world but either he saw what it's like now the rest is up to him yeah he's two years away from even stepping on the stage of me on a plane yeah because I know what it would do to him yeah he needs to go on his own now and go to Lexington Kentucky and go to all the places where they've never seen a juke yeah and do that and jail down brother two or three years and you can do blackface too if you're Jewish I think don't you guys get that no I think I'm gonna bring that up and just fucking fire Kelly Megan now you gotta bring up blackface you like the kiss of death tonight what the fuck is wrong with

you I don't want to hear blackface I don't want to talk about blackface they just fire Megan Kelly and you want to bring up blackface you got great things happening in your fucking life leave black face alone all right I just didn't if Lee could do it no no I'm gonna hold off on that one no it's the truth yeah I would not be doing them any favors oh you wouldn't be doing any favors the first guy that took me out I was doing calmly four years yeah first time I got taken out and I wasn't ready but it was fraternities really yeah it was who was it his name was Todd Jordan they took me on like two or three or four weeks of fraternities every night it was rush season whatever that is and he would have a different threat every night two not two frats three frats and I've been doing

calmly four years and I was just bomb I was like an Arab oh yeah I was just going into places to bomb I would call a bomber you guys are prepared you're gonna get a bomb I wasn't ready yeah and at that time that's all I wanted and I would say to myself who I'm happy I didn't get this call two years ago I still remember going like doing comedy a couple months I'm going to an NBC no Johnny Walker the liquor in the 80s and 90s if you wanted to be anybody you had to win the Johnny Walker red competition of San Francisco wow that's what elevated you every year Johnny Walker did a national comedy competition and it would end up on channel 13 or something but you still got national exposure yeah and now you went into clubs that was one of the credits it was either

that the Tonight Show or HBO oh yeah so that was the exposure what were we talking about the first ever Todd Jordan taking on the road so Todd Jordan I took Johnny you were ready you said I was almost ready your bomb and sorry you were you're not saying that he took me on a three week camp wow what that is it's three weeks of doing comedy every night three weeks for five nights a week and you get to adjust and that really helped me right away that was a big push when I finished those three weeks I was a better comic and I was doing triple then I started doing triple runs yeah I did triple runs for four years wow and that's a complete different adjustment that's every night you got to adjust plus drive eight hours plus fucking do radio but oh yeah that's

that's fucking navigational comedy you know sometimes you finish the gig and drive that night because you got an eight hour drive I might as well get to the hotel and sleep all that you know it teaches you how to deal with this yeah that's what I struggle with now yes a lot of people not taking care of myself and not timing things well a lot of people don't know you know there was a comic his name was Doug Williams a great guy great guy he created a show he got a martin to sign off on it wow and it was one of the first comedy shows to go to stars stars was a black network at the time and they had a comedy series and it did like three years that guy today a friend of mine called me and said he wanted a cruise ship and he saw Doug

Williams on the cruise ship wow what happened was Doug Williams got he went to a roast oh yeah and Jamie Fox made fun of him that's kind of mean to Jamie Fox did you think that it was very mean to Jamie Fox but the problem was he didn't belong there he did not belong there who Doug Williams didn't no he was nobody to belong there he was too young to be up there not too young he just didn't belong there just did not belong in that room he knew it but he was a gavone his eyes were bigger than the stomach yeah and he went there anyway they got burnt yeah and that ended everything you cannot go somewhere where you do not belong in comedy or in life right if you don't belong there don't go down there because you're gonna get in trouble yeah that's a good man that's a really a

really would stand up I hate that shit when people say I'm out there what do they call it I'm more than the light no what do they call when they go out and mingle there's a name for that networking networking oh yeah looking at that rub my balls on your network I've never been a network I'm like that working on stage yeah you network on stage I'm really nervous to talk to people I used to be nervous when I would come in here I used to be nervous when I like there's some comedians that still make me kind of nervous sometimes when I see them you know to be around it's just because you don't know them well you always look up to them you know and then you see them and it makes you nervous well the worst thing about a comic that you look up is when you go to

the store and you meet them and and this happens to comics from me probably you don't get the reception that you're looking for yeah that's what I worry about some of my idols I didn't get the reception I was looking for so I didn't talk to them I didn't talk to Andrew Dice Clay for the first year I was at the store and I'd see him up there five nights a week why because you weren't you weren't in your place no yeah he had nothing to say to him he had no circles that was same yeah no no no no you know and then you get emails from people well it's terrible to meet your your heroes because you approach me the wrong way yeah and at the wrong time yeah there's a dude that comes up to me a lot he's always kind of coped up I can tell at the

comedy store and now I hate that guy coming around we have no he knows it's uncomfortable too I'm like why does he keep doing this you know I don't judge people on the drug aspect I don't care if somebody does drugs he's always trying to give me a Ponzi schemes and shit yeah no those people I just delete I told them to get the fuck out of my face I don't want to hear about it well I'm doing comedy I'm doing comedy bro yeah and like this week I have a rough week like tonight I'll be in New York you know and that's my roughest week because I have to deal with family yeah I have to talk to people you know I got too long 200 people waiting to take a picture yeah and you paid 20 dollars and I gotta talk to you for half hour I gotta find the way to say listen bro can

you step aside and let these but wait wait wait remember the time we went no let these people take the pictures and then you could talk to me all you want it's very tough for people to understand yeah it's very weird that's where I'm getting like it's getting like you know I've been struggling a lot with this because it's like you know I love you know it's like you work so hard to get people to come out and then people start coming out and you know it's a lot of like my audience is dudes like me you know that have struggled with stuff or just regular people you know good people you know I feel like a lot of audiences are probably similar like good people that come out to enjoy themselves you know and I want to be able to spend time with each one of them afterwards like

you sell t-shirts afterwards as a regular person yeah see I don't right because I want them to be able to come to me and talk to me and not have to do that yeah yeah I saw it to you want a t-shirt going online yeah I'm not carrying t-shirts across the country I'm not if I don't carry all this shit I'll mail it there and sell it still the same fucking point yeah uh because then again you have a different complication now you have people that feel now I bought a t-shirt so now I'm gonna give you a fucking oh I see what you're saying I don't have time for any of beating in between shows yeah I need to focus in between you want a good show for me yeah or you want a fucking t-shirt right you want a good show let's forget about the fucking t-shirt yeah I'll tell people do not you

don't don't feel obligated to buy a shirt to come and say hey or to but yeah just think about it would you go say hey and not buy a shirt for somebody no I'd rather you not sell the fucking shirt and let them come over and shake their hand yeah you know it's like when people pay for VIP packages I feel bad for you yeah I feel bad for you for two reasons I would never charge to do a VIP package because now I'm forced to talk to you and you're forced to talk to me that's not a relationship right that's bullshit I don't I would never sell a VIP package I want you to come up to me after the show take a picture tell me what you got a time and get the fuck out of here yeah if you pay me the 85 bucks for a VIP that means I gotta hear you fucking here beating for two hours yeah we don't

have two hours right you know I want you to come to the shows I want you to enjoy yourself I want you to take a picture we're gonna communicate while we're taking a picture and then you gotta go there's 200 people behind you right you know I'm saying I don't want to I don't ever want to take money from somebody to feel that I have to talk to them after a show yeah it's like I come to a certain gated area I think that is the most grossest is that how they do that yeah like you sell VIP package and 20 people come in the back afterward and talk to you and you take a picture with them listen how about we do this how about I don't sell you dick you shake my hand we take a picture you go your way I go my way yeah we talk for two minutes you know you gotta be

considerate of other people right and that's it and most people are but here's so here's so the thing that I'm running into right and so this is a good thing that I can ask you actually because you have experience is I'm noticing like so I'll go out after the first show right and there's a line like you say you know there's a hundred hundred fifty people want to say hey when it meet me and I want to meet them but then by the end of that I am so like just exhausted emotionally bro that then it's like the second show I find myself being more temperamental because like all of like your kindness and your just your it's it you just feel a little empty you know and I don't mean that in a bad way like I don't care about those people I don't

it just gets hard you know what I'm saying though and am I complaining is that like just like a no you're not complaining but people will listen to this have to decide what they want I have to decide what do I want yeah me I want to see a fucking great show yeah when I go anywhere to a concert anything I want to see a great fucking show man that's it yeah I want to leave that going you know what my twenty six dollars was worth it my twenty seven fifty was worth it so for me to do that guess what sometimes number one the shows are sold out yeah the staff as soon as I get there Thursday they say to me listen you're sold out Friday and Saturday we only have one exit is there any way you can't come out in between shows now you know anything about me that

breaks my heart right yeah that's how I feel I know you got a babysitter I know you drove you paid the park I'm aware of all these things yeah but guess what I gotta do best what's best for the club and for the people for the second show yeah somebody talked to my wife and to me selling t-shirts and I noticed that that emotional hour in between was by the time I got on stage the second show there was nothing left yeah that's what I'm starting to notice a little bit people there's nothing left there's nothing left the hugs the kisses the pictures you go back in it's showtime now you're running late because your people didn't get in yeah now that show starts 25 minutes late that means there's 20 every time a minute takes past showtime is one more minute

they'll be drunk right right yeah then there's not a babysitter's later there was nothing that pisses me off more than a club that starts a show late yeah me either you want to not make me come back to your club start a show late 7 o'clock at 7 0 5 I understand people driving right and 9 30 is 9 35 yeah I don't want to be on stage at 11 12 30 at night for 9 o'clock yeah fuck that that's why what do you do then what do I do you know man if the first show is sold out I cannot go out if the first show is sold out the club does not want you to go out and your fans are okay with that they have to be yeah they have to be we're not in the picture business we're in the comedy business I'm in the business of giving you the best show that I can give you yeah so for me able to be able

to do that a I can't be out there in between shows slinging shirts with glasses on taking pictures you're absolutely right it draws your energy yeah you know this is the week that everybody wants to take me out to dinner at 5 o'clock at least I at you know me a long time you don't see me after 4 yeah you do not see me after 4 I will when I go out in the morning I will buy a protein bar yeah so I do not have to leave my room before after 4 o'clock yeah you take a rest those three hours before the show those are my time right I put my feet up I watch an episode of sons of anarchy yeah I hit the vapor pen and my notebook is wide open and there's a pen close by and I also got another notebook open somewhere else for what is that whatever comes to my mind

comedy over here and the story over here sons of anarchy over here a glass two things of water a pack of nicotine gum yeah and a vapor pen and that's what I do from four to seven that's cool huh show starts at 7 30 by 6 15 I start stretching I throw some punches I turn this shower on I let the shower get nice and hot I start stretching a little bit just to get my body yeah yeah it was what you do no I'm feeling you I don't want to talk to anybody yeah hey how you doing I got you know my agents they're great you sit here all week yeah on Friday at 6 30 you want to call you listen call your mother on a Friday at 6 30 I'm only concerned with the two shelves yeah that's all I'm concerned about and this is what was works best for you this is what works best for me

yeah a great headliner once told me mm-hmm great headliner once told me that if you headline rest is the most important thing for me to give the audience the show I want yeah there's no dinners are full I'm not meeting you to smoke out I'm not meeting nobody yeah I'm not meeting nobody man it's so crazy I needed a lot I need to talk about that when you pay 25 to 28 dollars to see me yeah you don't see me out of the hotel there's no this Thursday I go to do a part two podcasts in New York you see the show and Friday and I'm back in my room by one yeah and Friday I go to the cemetery and bring flowers for my mother yeah beside that nobody sees me the reason why I stay where I stay is because there's two of my favorite places and they did live yeah and this hotel has

breakfast for free yeah I like that and even though it's a half a Hindu hotel yeah the eggs are good it's white bread and they got oatmeal that's fucking out of this world so I'm at least held over to one of my friends could pick me up at 10 or I take the fucking bus into the city or whatever every city I go it is planned out yeah but I never take away from my show that means there's no t-shirt yeah there's no contact in between shows in between shows I sit I reflect on the last show and I reflect how the next show is going to be better interesting that's it I don't care if my mother's there I don't care if your grandfather's coming I don't really want to do much yeah I don't really want to do much wow wow

wow game day is game day for us people work hard for their doll and I have to give them their value for their dollar and for me to give them the value for that dollar I gotta take care of myself yeah that's what I'm struggling with right now I gotta take care of myself I'm feeling exhausted so Friday night you stay up like Friday night's my pill night if somebody gives me a pill at the show I take it I bring back a protein bar maybe a fucking banana a banana maybe I have an apple from the lounge I go upstairs I drink soda and I watch two or three episodes or something I have no curfew on Friday night yeah that means Saturday morning I wake up nice and early I eat breakfast a nice breakfast I smoke a joint I go for a nice walk at 8 30 I go for a half a

mile walk just to let my body know I'm alive I go back to the room I watch a little Netflix I pass out for another three hours now I get up take a shower and I go for a nice lunch a nice cut of salmon yeah a nice solid water you take good care of yourself yeah and you go back to your hotel room and you write for an hour yeah and while that hour you're writing you're digesting your meal uh-huh so now at 4 30 you go down to the hotel gym yeah and you stretch around you do 25 minutes on the elliptical 10 minutes on the bicycle and you draw some weights around 45 minutes you get that funk out of your system now that energies because now you're you're you're building your own energy yeah you're working on your own cheap yeah you're not letting the world just give

you a jump no no I don't want to hear your stupid stories jack I got time for that I'd rather not have physical contact all day and Lee knows anybody who goes on the road with me they know they see me for breakfast lunch and I don't see you till post time yeah I'll read it that I don't want to say no but yeah man that's that's the best show I could give you as joey Diaz if I deter from that plan we don't have a good show so after the second show you'll do the pictures and stuff yes after the second show I'll do the pictures maybe I need to start trying that because that has been honestly man I know a thousand people don't do dick there's a thousand people out there who don't do dick I will take pictures with you before shows I have a superstition not

because one time in Columbus a hippie hugged me and he had armpit of debt oh yeah and it got on my shirt while I was on he got grilling cheeses I could smell fucking onions for two shows now when I took pictures of people people were looking at me like I smelled yeah you know you it takes a long time to come to terms with comedy by the way I always wanted to thank you for supporting me on the Netflix special yeah you showed up you showed up you showed up on your own dime you saw the response has been good huh the response has been great but uh it's really weird even for that I had too many distractions yeah like I don't wait yeah in hindsight even thinking about that it's like inside you see that it's like man that's like a lot of distraction I don't want to

I don't like that I stick to my own thing yeah in the future stick to what we do I have a way for me to give you a good show I have to do things please I know I know your mother cooks the best chicken I know you do that that's all great yeah I really don't give a fuck I really don't give a fuck when I get off a plane that's why when people contact me on the road to do a podcast I'm not in your town to do a podcast that's never gonna happen yeah some guy some group offered me money to do it last week I did my two podcasts for the week that's it when I go on the road I don't want to do nothing all I think about is stand-up comedy and how I can make it better before before I go to a town I wikipedia I yahoo yeah kickboxing schools you got a good muay thai

school might pop in here on Saturday why not I meet some people I have some a little contact in the daytime with some new people yeah and you blow their mind they blow your mind and you're still back in your hotel room by two o'clock yeah and you shower you're right you gotta take good care of yourself when you're a feature it's a different story when you're an emcee it's a different story the world don't fall on your shoulders yeah you could go to watch the baltimore ravens and go to a game the world don't fall on your shoulders you're just doing 10 minutes when you're a feature actor you think I gave a fuck when I was a feature actor I went out to dinner yeah oh feet track I don't get it I don't give a shit dude you could fuck I don't give a fuck I don't give a

fuck but when you pay and I got a fucking you got a babysitter and you pay the park yeah and all those variables I gotta be at the top of my game there you go that's the ghost telling you allow it die I chair I'm gonna be on your fucking game it's too late it's getting late Tio van I love you any dates you want to promote my brother um any dates that I want to promote yeah I'm gonna be in um Lexington great club yeah I love this Broadway great club yeah great food and the great hotel yeah great city great city in December that's when I'm gonna be on there so I'm excited that I'm going there in uh in December worlds uh January don't worry about January just give me one that's why computer you gotta assume that can't remember that fucking phone uh and then

yeah what else oh I got your eye of favor was on as on my pot as on this past weekend so you can check that out as well and um I just want to say thanks so much Joey you're always such a you know you know you're just a nice man and you always make me feel welcome and you know you call me a lot and I know I just I know that you care and and I really feel that and I'm just I want to thank you so much my blood I came on my blood but I feel I can feel it die but it some people say that kind of shitting you whatever but I'm just telling you I appreciate it man no I know you do thank you and I love you Lee and I'm sorry that I if I made funny when I got in here buddy bro leave me alone don't worry about it he's as tough as damn oh yeah the dude took fucking nine farts bro it's fucking

jeez like he will jeem over here on his neck that's a dead sense like a judge will tell you you know four farts of 90 days and most people take them 90 days yeah this for this poor Jewish tanks act and took five of the worst hearts you've ever smoked and you're fucking like even I was sitting here going Jesus Christ my intestines about to pop out of my ass like anyway I love you guys with all my fucking heart man I want to thank the Ovan I want to thank my main man the Christ killer who I love with all my heart helping an offender with the comedy line to that I just wouldn't be doing you any favors I would take you somewhere and then you'd still have to go back and do the work and then you'd be more mad at me so you always got to understand I got

your back in more ways than one thank you very much for always being a great fucking sidekick and a friend and a dear supporter of what we do and I'm very proud of you for doing comedy and when the time comes you're going to be right there with me so good luck to you in your venture you know I love you to death and I support you I break your balls but I break your balls out of love oh no I understand but I'm not a lot of people don't break your balls they break your balls to be evil I you know I love you to all my heart but anyway forget the love I got for this fucking Jew I love him with all my heart that's my problem I got a soft spot for Jews that I don't know why Jews and black people are doing anything for you but listen this podcast is brought to you by Rich

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all right listen Ridge wallet will make a great present you're going to love it with all your heart okay number three I love you guys these guys are tremendous my wife has been using them for years and again I got nothing against nobody but time is time and if you're saving time you get postage and demand all you need is stamps.com with stamps.com you got all the services you got the post office right up from your desk you can buy and print real US postage for any letter or any package all available 24 hours a day seven days a week just click print and mail baboom you're done stamps.com will even send you a digital scale you can wear your letters and packages and print the exact amount of postage every time I love it my wife uses the

sells out the cups the t-shirts we've been using for years and I'll tell you I give them 100% recommendation whether you have a small business or a large business I'm telling you right now whatever you're doing and you're mailing out stuffs stamps.com is what you need so right now your uncle Joey is going to give you a special offer you ready grab a pen I'm going to give you a four week trial includes postage at a digital scale but don't wait go to stamps.com before you do anything else right now right now I was sitting there click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Joey J-O-E-Y again that's Joey J-O-E-Y on the top of the homepage again that stamps.com enter Joey I want to thank Ridge I want to thank stamps.com and I want to

thank quip okay because quip again the best toothbrush I've had in years quip was designed to make brushing your teeth more simple and affordable but most importantly enjoyable like I said I've used it the last four days my mouth feels cleaner my teeth are still shot truce because god knows what I put in my mouth but everything feels fresh and clean my breath smells like dog shit there's nothing you could do about that as long as you teeth are clean why do you use quip since sensitive sensitive sonic vibration gentle enough to use on sensitive gums people who brush too hard sometimes electric toothbrushes are too abrasive it's built with a two-minute timer that pulses every 30 seconds to remind you to switch sides helping you guide a full

and even clean why because up to 90% of us don't brush for the first for the full two minutes or don't clean evenly it's a multi-use cover mounts to cover your mirror and unmounts the slider with bristles to go on to brushing three out of four of the bristles that are old worn out and ineffective quip is one of the first electric toothbrushes that accepted it's accepted by the american dental association and has thousands to verify five star reviews why i love quip dependable it's right there and i could take it on the road and that's what you're looking for with a toothbrush so do me a favor the big favor is this i love quip so much and then back by 20 thousand 20 thousand dental professionals quip starts at 25 gizmo and if you go to quip.com slash

joy right now you get your first refill pack for free with a quip electric toothbrush who's better than you you're gonna have a nice smile at the holidays you know what i'm saying you don't gotta go to thanksgiving and cover your mouth because your teeth are green you're gonna get a nice clean fresh face more confidence so do me a favor go to quip.com slash joy right now and get your little fucking quip toothbrush for 25 dollars no they started 25 dollars and if you go to quip right now you'll get your first refill pack for free with a quip electric toothbrush that's how uncle joey takes care of you before the holidays i want to thank quip i want to thank stamps.com and i want to thank ridge for sponsoring the podcast but most importantly i want to thank

you people for two things for supporting the degenerates and for supporting our podcast for the last seven years you know who you are from bob blingus to bobby sharon to the goose to fucking my man the greek up in canada i'm watching you i know who the fuck you are my little comedian in vegas where i love the death freddie correa i love all you motherfucker so if i forget to say somebody my man scott cunningham i love you all thank you for the support thank you for the support on the on the uh netflix special and i'll see you motherfuckers next tuesday ready to motherfucking rock a great week of podcast lee kick this fucking mule stay black baby