Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #635 - Ryan Sickler

Episode Date: November 15, 2018

Ryan Sickler, a comedian and cohost of "The CrabFeast" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Ryan's new album, "Get a Hold of Yourself," is available for pre-order now and will be available November 20, 2018. This podcast is brought to you by:   Hims - Go to ForHims.com/joey for a trial month of everything you need to keep your hair - for just $5.   Robinhood App - an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETF's, options and cryptos - all commission free. Go to church.robinhood.com to get a free stock like Apple, Ford or Sprint. Streamed live on 11/14/18

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That's four hymns comm slash Joey Take that motherfucking mule Lee Oh shit November 15th the church of what's happening now Ryan sickler the Christ killer Here we go here we go Push that motherfucker in the bus listen to her hit it up top take that mule loop Oh shit, it's the church of what's happening now in the bush This is Harvey's favorite song

Either he jumps out of the bush or he attacked your boys somewhere is a person on these Oh Shit She likes it in the bush bush I bet she's not part of the Me Too movement. You know what I'm saying? Fuck it. Fuck the Me Too's. I like it There you go. Put it in my ass There you go what It's Thursday morning cocksuckers

Here we go. Here we go. There she is That's Obama's wife right there That's Michelle Obama It's my girl Michelle Looking good with the book and shit. She don't mention my name in the book But she better talk about me in the book. Here we go This one is Obama. Oh shit Fuck yeah, I ordered that book someone who knows Mrs. Obama has to listen to this

I swear to God, I got a crush on Mrs. Obama. She ain't like she gained like ten pounds I don't care. I think she's looking good in those polyester suits. You see here. I'm fucking good morning America. Oh my god She looks good. Oh my god. What's happening you bad motherfuckers Thursday morning. The man the legend himself is to Ryan sickler Straight out of Baltimore before the fucking wire. You know what I'm saying? He lit the wire this motherfucker lit the wire and left Thank you for having me on what's going on brother. Good to see that's good to see you Dude, you're not first. This is what I want to say first for say anything about myself. I watch your degenerate special I thought it was fantastic. Thank you

and I don't want to blow your cover but A lot of people know this and some people maybe they don't you are the nicest fucking guy like you really care about people I tell everybody like Joey Diaz. You see that guy on stage. That's that dude But you know what that dude also does calls you call not text you call How you doing resident every time you're checking on me all the time, man I can't thank you enough for your friends. You're great though. A lot of people don't do that You're really good at it. Listen, man. I'm sick and tired of your sweet. I have no friends You're a sweet. You got a lot of friends. You don't you don't friendship doesn't

Come because you're such a nice guy Either you could have millions of dollars and buy your friends or you could earn people's friendship And one way one way to earn people's friendship is when the peanut butter jar broke The peanut butter on the floor your kids yelling you're late for an audition You're going crazy. You know, also the phone rings and somebody just doesn't want something from you They just call you to go. Hey, man I was thinking about you It's right there in that moment

I Even though Everything's going on for somebody to say Dog, do you know at the comedy store? I saw you and I forgot to tell you Your set was brilliant. You know sat something about saturday night A couple weeks ago I went up there and uh Who's the guy that had the show when we first started comedy with the long-haired tom rhodes is up before yeah Brilliant the set he did was brilliant. Tom's great took me five days to remember to call him and call them

Like, oh, hey, man. I'm calling you to say hello, but I'm calling you to say that you set the other night was brilliant That Comedians don't humans don't have that no more When I got a text message that says happy birthday or happy Thanksgiving Merry Christmas that I'm guilty of it too. So I want to call you up and say, you know what? I hope your mother gets hit by an m track

Because you got know what she raised your wrong way Don't you fucking text me mary holliday's you pick up that phone you don't call don't even bother don't waste your time I want to hear your voice I want to know what you're feeling. I'm friends with you. I know what makes you tick. I I think it's beautiful and If you don't do that, you're not gonna have for everybody wants to have friends But everybody wants to have friends I want to have a friend Then if I stab motherfucker

My wife says ryan sickler called Your bail is a half a mil but he's got 25 that he could lend you till you get out and do a benefit, you know On you there you go. Mm-hmm. That's not friend. Those aren't the same people that come to your birthday party at lamarajan You know what I'm saying? Oh my god To a wonderful man. Let's raise our champagne glasses. That don't happen. That's only in the movies That's what you're looking for. You're gonna die with nobody you're gonna die alone because those people only come When your pockets are full They're not gonna be there when your pockets are empty

I look at how many people are aware around me when my pockets Were empty and I was struggling in comedy and I look at where they are. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, those people now come to the shows and juries like last week. I did Gotham I saw people there that I used to make go to open mics, you know, they make you bring four people. Yeah They were kids in that crew that I would bring to those things Like 20 years ago, really you gotta do me a big favor Before you go to the city tonight stop at stand-up new york And just pay for a ticket. It's eight bucks

And they would go for you. I'll do it And they would bring like six of them would show up and they'd spend 600 at the bar and they'd be snorting the bathroom and And look at the club all over go listen, you could come here. Whatever you want as long as your friends come Because they spend four or five I still talk to those people, you know, those people were there when When I was doing open mics Dude, I'm still friends with guys from elementary school

I'm still strong. We're good friends with guys from elementary school middle school and high school There's a couple college people but the core of my friends Back home and I see every time I go home. I see a good chunk of them You know, everybody's got kids and things now, but still we still have to make time to get together But they're all from back in the day all of them and every day I go I gotta call this guy And they'll take me three days to call him. But in the meantime, I'll call a lot of people They'll take me three days to go. I gotta call this fucking guy Wait a second. This guy works nights

I'll call him on my way to the comedy store right on my drive. Yeah, you know Timmy works nights But that's beyond considering someone it's also their schedule and when you can actually think you've got a shot Getting a hold of them instead of just throwing on a voicemail that no one listens to anymore. Anyway, you know I mean like remember when it used to be like You had to be Somewhere to get that fucking call. You had to be right here to get this call Then it came call wait and you were like, oh my god Two people think enough of me to call me at the same fucking time like holy shit. Hang on a second

Then you got the answer machine was like, let's listen to this message now I see people on their phone with 300 miss fucking calls and and 80 voicemails. I'm like, what the fuck happened What happened? I don't know if you guys have run into this it blew my mind Just as I grew up on the phone There's a lot of people especially my age and a little bit younger Who say they get anxiety about being on the flag? They don't want it. They won't make calls to anybody That that that doesn't make sense to me. But I people can get anxiety about anything I guess but I like the personal aspect of life

I think that If you don't want it in your life, you don't have to have it for me I prefer that contact You know, I like talking to my to my friends. I grew up with Instead of talking to these people in LA like You could do So much in LA they have people in your corner that say yes to you Yeah, you could hire four people and have a big payroll and

Everybody's saying yes to you and getting your coffee and you could yell and make scenes and he's having a bad day Who gives a fuck? You know what keeps me grounded is in the morning when I call one of my buddies from my school And like I told Brodie Stevens. They're delivering a FedEx package And they're making 12 50 an hour at 55 and they're running up and downstairs And I go to a comedy main room on a Tuesday and pick up 300 dollars or something like that, you know And I'm sick thinking to myself. It it it brings my It levels me. It does. It's a balance. Yeah

We've uh Years ago 10 12 13 years ago A company on a company ran a ran a commercial And it's a sales force And the guy walks back in and he starts giving everybody a plane ticket. Lee sciat. Here you go Ryan sickler. Here you go. Tony bananas. Here you go. Johnny gumball. Here you go. They're all looking at that plane tickets He goes ladies and gentlemen, I looked at the stats of the company and I looked at the national stats Sales are down

Because we do everything on these like this is a commercial And he goes we're going back out there talking to people and we're gonna get back in people's faces. That's how you sell accounts Good luck gentlemen. They were like looking around like at each other And it said like the name of the company if Their sales didn't make a count, but it's true. We've forgotten All those personal little things that person I know those little things when I sold cars I Was two things guess what I used to do a lot a lot more than I do now. I was a letter writer

You were I loved writing letters to who? Whoever you would do it for someone like I could say hey, okay. This isn't this is contact Prison in me. I was gonna say I'm not trying to make a joke. Was it from you being in prison? No, this was something that I learned from a guy named Carmine Balzano When I was growing up That is the most italian Machine guns this guy got caught with fucking You know not paying parking tickets ripping tickets up like you'd come to him and go

I got a thousand dollars in tickets and he'd rip them up This guy lived corruption But what he did was write letters to editors And he would get his stories always printed. He was a letter writer And I would look at that and he'd always say the uh The pen is mightier than the soul at some times, you know, you know, he'd say in his words Sometimes the pen is mighty and the gun, you know, like he was he was a cop and

Something he did something just I got into writing letters And if somebody did something like uh, timmy halloween Put up some pictures a media day And he goes he asked his father where'd you get these pictures from he goes after cocoa left He wrote his letter to thank us for everything we had done for him and he included those pictures. He was fine I was a letter writer I love sending out letters, but when you Go to prison when you go before a judge

Before I went in front of that judge. I wrote that judge 15 letters You did oh, yeah Talking about what what happened what my situation was what I learned from it You know, but the probation report Said I still Didn't have any empathy like I wasn't taking responsibility for the situation But I built the relationship way before I went in there and once he sentenced me I wrote him letters in prison

You did thank you Was it a lenient was it more of a lenient sentence because you had established that connection with him told me that I could My lawyer could set a motion for reconsideration in 90 days. Wow That means it's a good judge too though. It's a good judge because that guy could have been like fuck this guy I also had a friend of mine that was his brother was a dentist And my friend was best friends with that dentist and he went to him and played golf for him So I reached out to that guy to reach out to the dentist He hit an every angle on the judge sent him because I've never

Done this for anybody else, but I'll do it for you because it seems like you really like the kid so he talked to the judge so Because he did that I kept in touch with that judge For years I got sentenced in 88 and I was still writing letters to that judge in 92 Oh, yeah, I'm a savage. You are I was out of the system. I had no reason to write him a letter But I would still write them letters and one day I got in trouble And I got taken to civil court by my ex-wife and who was the judge? No Come on, and I'm writing them letters about our situation. She's not letting me see the baby

I don't know what to do. He's not replying. Right. Well, he's getting these letters and he's reading them. You follow me Surely they read them. You got to remember when you're a judge You want to move up politically So when a person dies Funeral parlor makes 250 mass cards That means that every time I come in contact with Ryan sickler If I treat Ryan sickler the wrong way, he's gonna tell 250 people that Joey Diaz is a dick Or lisa. I asked a dick you have to assume that when you run him when you have contact with somebody

That reaches 250 that reaches 250 So when you go up in front of a judge And you're going up there. Let's say for manslaughter and you did plead out and you there was mitigating circumstances I'm getting nervous just thinking I'm being in front of a judge for manslaughter right now. Let's say you negotiate with your attorney Zero to nine years the judge could give you anything zero to nine years If I show up into that courtroom with 20 people To all talk on my behalf and they're allowed to get up and speak. What's 20 times 250? Let's see. Uh, yes 25 5,000. So that judge

Instead of giving me nine years. It's gonna give me six and a half That's great That's how you have to work. Did you and did that did it help you out in that civil case? It did benefit. Oh, yeah, he told the next time you come up in here and you don't give him the kid I'm gonna find you a thousand bucks and throw you in jail for contempt She fucking turned red Son of a bitch has got carpal tunnel over there. I'm gonna write me. So it was funny because I was telling Uh, last night I took my jiu-jitsu teacher to the commie store

Yes, the last since jersey. I've been writing a lot again in the book And I thought about the story that was fucking when I whenever I go to new york and perform I swear to god I always see this kid that I grew up with And he just waives at me And one time in jersey, I looked at him and I double looked at him and I'm like, I know this guy And I went over and gave him a hug But he didn't want to take a picture

We didn't even want to talk And then I saw him again in new york Then I saw him again last last summer in the borgata Just by accident. I I always just see him really and he just waves He's like an extra in your life like an extra in my life, but that's more to the story I was very good friends with him and his family growing up He had two other brothers. One was a wrestler and the other one was a gangster The wrestler I sold upster black beauties because they had a big weight

he Since their last name started with a d I became friends with him in homeroom and he was dear friends with a dear friend of mine And I loved this kid like a brother and he loved me like a brother. I used to go to his album but throughout the years My relationship with the younger brother sound them the pills He this kid knew he wanted to be a cop when he was 10 So he would tell me to stay away from his older brother

But his older brother made me 25 g's when I was 17 one time handed it to me to them below I love 25 grand at 17 25 20 grand In 20 dollar bills It was a fucking two rubber bands stacked together fresh bills out of a bank He robbed the bank. No, no, no, no At that time he was already in with these good dudes And he used to this was crazy This was crazy. I went to him and said can you do this?

And he was a drive two through tower. Okay. Yeah, I remember you put the tube and so there was two checks Because I'll do it, but I got to keep one and you keep the other one. You keep the higher one. I'll keep the lower one I was had a way with it and then later on He became he grew in the bank even though he was involved with a crime family He grew in this bank And then in the early 80s when everybody wanted to be a drug dealer He would take money out of a vault on a friday at three and give it to you Like he'd give you 60 for 85,000

But you better have that money back sunday night at nine o'clock Because he had that was his bad family, but he would take money out of the vault That's nuts to pick up two or three kilos to move them And he'd take a percentage of your earnings But I mean he that's what he would give you 60 for 85 60 for 85 and nobody do nothing and they never got caught never got caught. He never got caught Everyone was always there was a loan shark and there was a loan shark that I would borrow from I was into him for thousands

Because I would go up to him and say, you know Ryan sticker. Yeah, good kid comes to the bar He knocked up his girlfriend. He has to get an abortion. He's 500 He doesn't want to ask you. So you wouldn't even know you were taking a loan out from the guy I'm getting beat down two months later not even know So because I was going up to him as like to go between he was giving me 10% anyway So he thought I was giving you the loan So you're getting 10% on your own loan from that he thinks is my fucking money And when you don't pay that back, he ain't coming to you. There you are at the bar drinking having a good time

He'd be sitting there fucking bat across the back. You know, he'd be there watching you and you'd be buying drinks for people No, no on his money. Yeah Hilarious I had one kid that owned my 40 grand. He didn't even know it and after I left he was he was going to their shoe pool And that's when the guy went up to him when they said, but where's my 40? Oh, what are you talking about? So now me and him were wanted by this guy So I leave I started with him being a great friend I leave for nine months. I come back and this bar is still the hot spot in north bergen. It's called joe mary's

And the owner owns it and he lives upstairs alone shark, but over the year I heard that he got sick and he wasn't in the bar a lot I'll never forget this. So there's a front door and there's a back door and there's a bunch of people shooting pool I me and stinky the guy that I told that bar before We're walking back to the door like tiptoeing and we're not going to back door. We're like He's george in there and the guys are shooting pool like what like come in and we're like, it's george in there They're like, no it wasn't here. No george is up here And we looked up with george and he goes, how you guys doing? I haven't seen you. I hope you have some money for me. We're like, we do george. Come on down

And he goes, I'll be right down. He closed the window. We just took off And I just never saw joey's the fucking loan shark. What year is this by the way? 83 So 40,000 like 80,000 like what is it food? Oh, he's dead. He was 60 No, I know you don't owe him now. I'm just saying like it's a lot of it's a lot of money now There's a guy out there that owes him 250,000 that joey had on him somewhere dude. Never even knew. Oh my god It was fucking hilarious. Hey, can I promote my album real quick for I won't forget to do that I Want to forget you're gonna forget nothing right here

Uh, I want to tell you a story though. I came with a story to tell you because I think you'll appreciate this story. So When I was in college I went on a I went on a run of like oh for 21 trying to get jobs and I was a hustler I've been on my own the whole time. I've always worked. I've always had multiple jobs with these resume jobs Or like a job of a little bit of both. It was uh record and tape trader, you know Anywhere I could anywhere I could try to get some summer resume And uh end up going Uh downtown baltimore. I go to this it's it's like an employment office

And I am the white guy in the room of like 150 people. I'm the white guy And It's for ups. Okay. Shout out the ups baltimore hub primary one joe avenue And I end up getting hired as a Christmas helper a seasonal helper to call them driver's helpers, right? And they said look the the guy that runs this route that's been doing this for years is hurt his backs fucked up So we've got this younger kid in his 30s on the gig. I was in college. I'm 20 One two

And they're like, uh, he's got to do his next day air packages meaning he's going to take that package truck He's going to deliver all the ones that are priority By 10 a.m. At 10 a.m. He's going to pull up on your street He's going to beep the horn and you're going to walk out of your house You're going to get in the passenger side of that truck and you guys are going to start delivering packages All through baltimore county in this area And you're hustling the deal is He does the packages on his side of the truck. I do them on my side of the truck now

This is before amazon all that shit. So we're hustling. It's non-stop They're letting you work overtime till we go 10 a.m. Till nine at night go back to the hub So it's one day They're they're uh, they're they're fucking um What is it their rules for package delivery is out of sight out of in the city You have to get a signature you leave that shit on the steps in baltimore city that 10 people come running for that fucking thing But in the county out of sight out of weather a lot of people at a deck you could put it under there Whatever you let them know where it was

So this Delivery on my side here and I get this package and I go up and I wrap on the door and I can hear people in the house And nothing So I go around the back and I wrap on the door back there. I can totally hear him in the house Shit's going on. I go back around again. You know, we're hustling. So the driver's like, what's going on? I'm like, I don't know man. I can hear people in here. They're just not answering So again, I'm ringing the bell. I'm knocking on the front door. Nothing I go back around the back again

To leave the package under the deck and while I'm back there just for the hell of it. I bang one more time Nothing We go on about our day We get back to the hub nine o'clock at night and the supervisor comes up and he's like, how about that crazy guy on your route today now Look, we're in baltimore. Like there's a shitload of crazy people all fucking day. We're seeing we're going through the same neighborhoods all day we see these people so He had his crazy people on the route all day. He goes, no man the murder and we're like, what he's like the murder

I'm like, both of us. So we don't know what you're talking about. He's like This address right here where you delivered that guy Killed two people and he was burying them in the basement while I was there This motherfucker, I just looked it up again the other day. I'll send you the link I thought it was about seven or eight hundred dollars. This it was somewhere. It was under 300 bucks This guy owed these two to what this this ain't even dealers. These are fucking friends that borrow money And he had a house in our beauties And it's where we were and there's two cars on the yard

You could have sold those to a salvage yard got this money for it. You know what I mean? They had to come out in total for you could have paid these guys off but He goes out to where I grew up carol county and meets these two dudes And Instead of giving them the money he kills these motherfuckers right there puts them in his car Drives them back to his house and then starts to bury them in the basement Now what he didn't know is one of those dudes had just had a newborn with his girlfriend So his girlfriend calls the police after he's been gone for hours. She hadn't heard from anybody

And there's no cell phones or anything and the police she says They went to this Patapsco State Park to meet this dude. His name is this he lives here like So my baby's in this car. So they go and the baby's fine. Baby's there But she gives them everything they need they go to this dude's house This motherfucker killed these two dudes And he's digging up his basement to try to bury him in the basement But he busts the water a lot a pipe or something and then bodies can't be buried. They just float in there So when they show up

They're just there these two fucking bodies and they take the dude away and I'm out there beating on the fucking door Trying to deliver a fucking ups bag. It's like I got your line It was fucking insane He probably never got your package in hell. No, he never got that pack. It was under the deck He might have but the cops got his ass and now he's gone. I just looked it up the other day It's a link on the Baltimore Sun I was like what the fuck amazing what you would have to do right now you're gonna get caught anyway because

To kill to say you pick up the bodies and put them in your trunk of your blood everywhere All red dna So I mean you gotta like that car on fire At the end of the fucking jobs now you gotta take them somewhere wrap them Dig a hole throw lime on them To help the body decompose And hope that fucking johnny jogger Doesn't come by you know how fucking heavy your body is

Imagine when it's dead and you got to drag it. I mean i've carried a couple buddies that drank too much Yeah, wait in there it failed like 500 pounds Well, I love in movies when they show a guy just digging up a bar that guy is that's an all night job Sounds like you You gotta go three or four feet. I was gonna say you keep saying this with like so much more You got to go three or four feet And you got to cover it good and you got a hole and then you got to that's ours It take you by yourself with a regular show. It's ours hours. That's why you have to have

I've dug in ground pools and it's taken days. That's why you have to have the bear the whole dug already By the time you kill the people if you're gonna go to make the drug deal So you're just strong in the front two hundred dollars joey ds. Yeah, I know Listen, there's people that'll kill you over 35. You know what? You're right about that. There's people that'll kill you over 20 Yeah, you're right. You know me it have to be two guys carrying 22 kilos of blow You know, and then you got to chop it up. You got somebody's got to help you with that job So that means you got two people who know your secret. That's right. So now I got to kill you

While you're digging I gotta shoot you and take the money Because now I gotta live the rest of my life knowing that that's the truth You know this 20 years from now. I'm in my backyard They knocked the door down league. I popped heroin and up in manhattan. This is the gem He gave him that we bet he takes them right to the body and they find my fucking t-shirt on the grave in the sweat There you go. That's how quick you go away now. That's how quick you go away That's very vivid. Hey, I've thought about it Clearly you thought about that and then you got to take your car and burn it. So now

Six weeks later cops are gonna come to you. You're already in a ledge suspect They already came and spoke to you told me you haven't seen nobody And now they only come back to you and say mysterious that we found your car on fire because you can't hide that I'm pretty sure this guy wouldn't didn't have a plan yet. No, he's I'm saying he did not have a plan Well, a man without a plan is not a man. I need she said that so But that's it's that's why it kills me when people Get caught for murder Because I know for over 20 20 years

People not in my neighborhood, but in those five barrels in new york We're killing people on a daily and making the body disappear. How nobody No murder If you want to send a message Then you leave the body on the street But if you want the body to disappear and ryan sickle was here. We did the podcast. Listen to it They come back nobody know nothing. I have to have that pre-planned. I have to have taping the car Taping I got a burry with a fucking cap on because

I shave my head before I kill you and my body You've thought a lot about this. You have to Do you don't You might have when I was going through my shit years ago. This is This is what you know, this is what I learned And this is what Who do you learn from the guy in Denver? In prison or out of prison way before prison way before three or four years before prison

And then you just learn from watching guys and reading How many murders the mob got done with That you'll never see the people they just got rid of the bodies But people get in trouble for murder every day If you cover every trace There's a lot of steps. I was gonna say these days and I eyelash I'll get you I'm eyelash a fucking clone with a camera You know what right about that fly on these days. They listen as far as I'm concerned

You know, it's funny when I grew up I grew up around these old-time Cubans That would not even have a conversation if a phone was a room Like if there was a phone on the desk they'd go outside and talk They were already hip to the NFL The microphones the feds in the 80s and 70s would bounce that off the glass So even if you were standing in front of a bodega The feds could point at you with those guns and get the vibrations of what you're saying off the glass They were hip to that. They wouldn't even talk around glass

Wow They were talking the middle of the street on concrete Very hard very hard to tape unless you know, they're gonna have a conversation at that, right? They fly a drone over there, but there was no drone back then Now there's not much you could do. Look at this. I've said it for years. Look, there's somebody just got arrested for Alexa You want to buy Alexa and talk shit in front of her? You're going to jail. I heard uh, they help solve a murder or something, right? Yeah, I don't want Alexa close to my fucking house These phones that are kissing death. They tape everything. They do these phones. They tape dude. I shit. I will talk about a pop up my feet

It happened all the time recording everything recording everything Absolutely when you're jerking off in front of the camera in front of you poring and you're going back and forth looking chinese Your eyes are rolling. There's video. I'm mad out there. There's video. The sad part is it's probably in those Terms of like service that we all agree to because who's going to read it? And any day we can make a montage of you and put it out on you. I think I for years I've always said when you go to the bathroom on a plane that remember they're watching you That's too much an investment for them not to be watching you Keep a little camera behind there and keep an eye on whatever the fuck you're doing back there

Way before 9 11 in my paranoid cocaine mind I was was even scared to do bumps in the bathroom I would sit down and make believe I was taking a shit and then bend my head down And do two bumps of coke And I wipe my ass and everything like if I didn't get up and show my never got caught never got caught Never got caught. I have an aunt that uh, she was on so you know, we used to think she was crazy and now I think she was right But she had uh back in the phone uh home phone days. She would hear her phone click and Gone new number right away new fucking number and we would always be like you're fucking crazy

And now I see that they admit they've been listening and everything else I'm like you you fucking you were on to it early on in the 80s. She's like, why don't you call me? I'm like because I don't have your new fucking nut. You changed 10 numbers this year. I knew when I was a kid I read something once that different words activated different computers bomb cocaine the word eight ball

Different things like programming into this and then when it hears it'll start pick that's when it starts recording It starts picking it up. Oh shit. I know in the 80s and 70s I know this for a fact That if I tapped ryan sickler's phone I would have to buy law Go to the phone box Because there was not just a cable box at old school gray box box. Okay, and if you open that box and looked on your tag They would have to be a tag on it that said fbi

county sheriff's office prosecutor's office So legally they have to identify about 99% of people never go look at that box and not even know what's on there in First place. I had a red box in 87 What's a red box got me a red box in 87 It's something that you plug into your phone and if the light turns red, they'll tell you if your phone is tapped Did it ever? Yes. Did it? Yes towards the end of boulder a home phone you like plug it in Yes, and they're tapping you for what do you think? Do you know at that time at that time? It was drugs

I was involved in the drug range and they're just listening to see if they can gather as many people as they can and put them all together Damn You should never say I was raised not to say anything on the phone And it was funny because my stepfather was anti phone And he would yell at my mother all the time don't fucking say shit on the phone. Don't talk about numbers. Don't talk about anything And my eighth grade year My mother still had the bar But she had two phones

She had a pay phone that rang behind the bar And then she had a private phone in her office So if you call the bar phone she can pick up the phone behind the bar But the phone the phone booth would ring One day somebody made a drug deal on that phone And they came and arrested my mother they did because the phone was in her name She didn't go to prison right but she paid the tyranny right still made her life hell it made her life hell. Yeah It was one of the things that started the beef within her and my stepfather that they split up

Because he told her for years Don't say she don't have that's every fucking mafia movie you've ever seen. Don't talk on the phone. Say a fucking word Keep it light. Everything was code Even if you could avoid code You know, all you got to say is we're sick. Let me be at the coffee shop number three Have three of different four coffee shops So, you know what number one is what number two is number one is the starbucks on langesh and number two is the starbucks on laurel kangen

And like that they can't catch it after a while. They're gonna catch on but by that time you're gonna switch on them again number two is now Laurel kangen they are listening. I love the criminal mind, man I mean, no, some of those people are so masterful if they would have put it toward anything They would be Fuck me. I respect her. I do too. I love it. I love it. There's parts of me It's a way of thinking that I respect it because I respect the guy like sammy the bull gravado for example never mind. He was a rat

Let's pretend. We don't know nothing sammy the bull was dyslexic In quit school in the eighth grade And when he went to jail one of his many businesses Let's say his worst racket He was making 15,000 a week a loan shark damn

He was making 60,000 a month a loan shark Jesus christ that doesn't even include right just loan sharking 20,000 a lee 50,000 of ryan sickle to shoot his video But you're gonna give me 75 on that 50. You're gonna pay me every fucking week on time. We're tax on to the principal And people do it. It's a way of life of people. It's a school loan Yeah, it is a school loan. You're right. It's a school loan and but at that time just deadly potentially deadly interest Just on that alone like a guy like that when

God he let him loose You know, it's well known if you read anything about sammy the bull gravado He owned a company that did everything in the construction trade marble floors Italian floors cabinets So they could do the whole thing. So he would bid and he would win the bids and people going to john goddy going dog We can't get work Sammy has the city locked up that tight. He was in bed with trump

He was way in bed with trump Everybody knows that and he was just building buildings You know what an out, you know what a square foot of concrete cost you in iowa 10 cents You know the square creed a concrete cost in new york 2010 cents. Jesus. That's the mafia tax. Yeah The mafia tax was making three million a month just off concrete Every time the mafia would see concrete getting bored they beeped on We'll make the money today

It's crazy when you see that type of When you see a guy that makes the zero to 60 and you can't fucking put it together You can't put it together in your life, but these guys minds Are completely different. I have a chapter in the book dedicated to the guys mind That twisted me I gave him his own chapter Because he was four steps in front of you It was something I had never seen before

Like in what way? Like would you go to him for advice or would he just always be telling you like here's how it goes or like how I watched him. I watched him I watched him and I studied him You know in the beginning of fell on black days One of the larynx is what so ever I feared Has come to life, you know Mm-hmm

And there's times I find myself being him Even though I hated him Because being him in a way he was meaning you're four steps ahead of what these people were thinking He was already he had money If you looked at him, he wouldn't give me the impression that all you're looking at him ago now That guy's a bum He plagued you to the last minute he always

Kept you guessing I loved that element of life And then he would fuck with people without them knowing he was fucking with them That's another element of life. Yeah, like I'll put on a sweatshirt backwards That drives people crazy Which is shit You know how many people come up to me and go you know your sweatshirt's on backwards It drives me crazy

You know for years I had pants that I would purposely put a hole by my dick So my nutsack could pop out You put that in yourself I did it myself I would have got a little hole and rip it open a little more I have one more time where my balls stuck out So you would have to see my nutsack And then when you come to me and say there's a hole in your nutsack

I go can I ask you a question? Why were you looking? And it cracks people. Yeah, you can hear them The psychological Why are you trying to crack people because you're too stupid think about what's in front of you know The fuck you're looking at my balls for look ahead straight ahead cut shut your mouth and pay attention. I love that criminal mind he I do I got he was my stepfather and I'll never forget they caught me with a knife One time they like I was so out of control

Before I went to catholic school That they would have to do drop by zombie So they would drop me off at my godmother's house and I would never know when they were coming So my godmother would tell me in the morning. They're gonna be here at five And next you know, I was running down the street With a pocket full of cash and I'd see my mother and I'd be dirty and she go come here And he would tell me turn around they'd search me and I'd have a knife I'd have $22 on me. Where'd you get this from you in the third grade?

So in my mom's band I'm able to give me money like anybody who came to the bar Like oh you would hustle those guys We'll buy some candy I'm over here trying to suck these six pussy. You want to tell me about batman? Get the fuck out of here So I go to the bar working for like 20 30 dollars when you're fucking eight in 1970 40 dollars like a hundred dollar bill So I would go up to Harlem and buy weapons weapons. What kind of weapons you're throwing stars We would take the eight train to china town and fucking they would say the stars that weren't sharpened

So you go back home and throw them against the tree and they wouldn't stick then you had to go to a local hardware store And harry the fucking guy wouldn't want to do it. I'm not responsible That's all sparky like i'm not responsible So harry would say he'd sharpen them for you. Oh my god this guy would he would say I won't I won't do it. There's always a guy We'd break his window and then he would do it We'd break his fucking window and then a week later. I'll sharpen your fucks You know these kids were way ahead of the fucking curves

So my stepfather searched for one day and found the 007 All right, but wait, why is he is he is this a daily thing or you just were in trouble a lot So now he's all right. So now he's checking you because you've been a hell yeah, look at my daughter. Yeah, dang I'm bouncing around my lap And i'm like, she's gonna be in the first grade. I still remember vividly in the first grade. I was stealing the teachers editions Of book with the answers. Yeah and selling them to kids No, you were even the teachers for yourself. No, I was even selling them to the kids like for a dollar fifty cents A can of soda

I don't believe I'll never forget the teacher going where's all my teachers editions book Like I would rob every single teacher's edition including hers with the notes and everything How much would you sell them for whatever fifty cents as long as I could buy like a record out Candy bar or stuff. Yeah, I was already into that trouble. They used to have this thing called sra standard reading assessment And you went up in colors But the last thing was the answers Not one of them had answers. I had all the answers to sra. So the only way you can move up is by

First grade he's second grade third grade I was already hostile like I already knew the word of hustle. Where would you keep this stuff? Like you had a locker I would have money under my in the closet in the shoe You know, I would hide different things and then I didn't start stealing I never stole from my mother, but I'd steal from one At an early age when he married my mother and he moved in he would always leave money on top of the counter And I would and I would take a 20 and he would fucking catch me every time He would take like a hair out and put it on top. Oh, you know, yeah, he would flip the rubber band twice

He would put tape on the door And I would never see it. That's my old one tape on the door. That's a whole technique all type shit. Yeah Were you in the room? No How can you not be in the room the tape was broken And you know, he always busted me like this motherfucker So he started shaking me down So before I left the house I would have to shake down

So that would do. Oh, they pat you down on the way out and on the way in I would have to lift my hands up They would pat me down on the way out And on the way in so if I had a weapon I would have to throw out the window I would have to call my friend on the eighth floor and go go outside. I'm gonna throw you the fucking BB gun outside the window Bro, I had a BB gun when I was like in the third grade. It was called the marksman repeater Dig up a marksman repeater marksman repeater was brilliant They cost 10 bucks and they delivered them to your house. Your mom never even knew it. Oh, they brought it to your house

They asked you a question were you 21 or 48? Look up a marksman repeater. Oh my god. Look at the size of these things I had a daisy 880. It was a pellet and bb. Remember those pump it's marksman repeater In the eighth and so who would bring it to your house the store with the mailman You were going to fucking website. Oh, you'd order it. Oh, you would go on it wasn't an in town Look at the marksman repeater. It's the second one. Look at what this thing. Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, that's one of those metal ones. I've had one of those in the third grade But the specialty about the marksman repeater was the third one the third one and done the front right here flip up like

Yes, and that shot dark. Yeah, it shot darts pellets and BBs. Yeah, so I was a three-way fucking killer I could shoot you with a dart. I could shoot you with a pellet. You know, many fucking people I shot with pellets for no reason Just fucking shot him on 148th street. It's like from my window Because I was a geek. I used to build fucking models So the model was the first thing I do that But I've been thinking about a marksman repeater for a week now. You know how much damage I call I caused with that fucking thing When my parents caught me with that my mom snapped

Like she just snapped she was broken hearted So they put me in a catholic boarding school because of this right here. That was it that and the knife Just killed my mother And she was like that said I'm putting you with the nuns to fucking straight See my my dad was good about it. My dad gave us a buck knife My dad gave us the BB gun like I know but you were you weren't a lot of fucking trouble already Plus that was until middle school and you were in first fucking grade third grade Marksman repeater

I would wait all day the box would get delivered to your house And you could buy pellets anywhere. Yeah, and I would fill my remember you get like a milk carton of them Yeah, I would milk carton. That's right I would fill my pockets with the pellets because the BBs you could play 30 So it was like a machine gun like a shoot lead. Yeah The time he left you all the way to the time he got to his car just Belting with BBs all over the place The pellet she had one on the time and the dart she had a load one at a time. Wait, it shot darts

Yeah, it shot all three darts pellets and BBs and BBs amazing. You didn't kill anybody as a child No, but you have like the the throwing stars that were actually sharpened We used to play BB tag We would do this thing where we'd have our daisy 880 rifle And we we'd tie a cookie sheet to the front about you But the holes in the cookie sheet tie rope and just lay it over like shoulder pads You have the cookie sheet on the front and back

We'd all run around with goggles on and the agreement was one pump because on one pump You could see that you could see it coming. You know, I mean it wouldn't hit you that hard But then you know, everybody always Cover right in the leg all the time get one of the leg my buddy got one It's still he's still got a scarf from it being buried up under his leg It's crazy. It's a BB tag stupid shit Fucking BB tag BB tag. I still remember playing hot peas and butter Okay, your mother so we would we would be in that yard outside

In front here. It's fenced And when you say yard, this is a concrete yard It had to be 100 yards long on 88th street 205 right next to it. There was a Parking garage that wasn't being used So that whole space became our playground Our peas and butter go get your mother's everybody turns around against the wall And I got a belt and I hide it

All right, and then we all have to go looking for the belt It designated There's a home base You're not allowed to use the buckle. You can only whip with the belt So At least you have rules so I'm sitting there and you guys are looking for it And whoever's close to it. I gotta go you how to leave you're cold you're cold Ryan you're hot ryan's hot ryan's hot

Ryan when soon as I say ryan's hot lee and the other kid attack ryan Because they know it's in that area right but everybody's scared because somebody's gonna get that belt at any minute But you've been whipped all day. So you you're sick and tired of getting whipped You're gonna get it lee and next thing you know in a brick you move the brick There's the buckle and you take it out and those two guys are behind you And the base is over there. You got to run past them with the base So now they whip you with the belt all the way to the base That game would always end with somebody getting whipped to the head

Buckle to the head Doesn't look like a Passover when Jews find the afi coma and said we don't hit each other with a belt We get a quarter after When he tells us for hot peas and butter go get your mother Because your nose is broken get the belt then you whipped each other to death with the belt Then we got into If you look not in today's modern chairs, but in the old chairs before the roller It was a flat piece of metal

That had a cork in it with a nail a screw that went up And that's how your chairs your chairs and you can move them back and forth. You couldn't wheel them We would fucking take that We take a chair Turn it over This is the second grade My grandma's school every chair You're not doing you're doing this in the school not at people's house

Second grade While the teacher would give us an assignment. We take a chair Take the unscrew the bottom piece of it And then you take it to the hardware store and he would click the screw out With the gut of the same guy doing the throwing start would give you a flying saucer Okay, it would give you a flying saucer that was made of metal And then you would take a crayon And melt the crayon into the saucer. So that was your piece of metal. So you were blue

You had a red one. You had a purple second grade second grade and then in the middle of the street It would be like the man would be like shooting pool number one number two Then you got to hit it over the body by trying to hit them out of the way and hit it with your thumb Okay, you got to hit your flick in it and then we'll go to number four Then you have to get to number eight, but we're playing this one cars are going by Like a car would stop and we go fuck you. Hold on one second

We were like fucking the second grade dog in new york city. Those people. I hate us I wonder oh my god. No wonder why sounds like like how you How you like in prison will get it like a knife together you were Wouldn't how didn't you even think you know what? I bet we could take the bottom of this chair And mr. Whatever would melt it down and sell it. I'll never forget in august in new york Every august They would shut the streets down And they would replant all the trees

It was called the street re was your nation And for for from eight to twelve they would shut the street And they would replant every tree But the top three inches was this Uh generic dirt that had all been even pushed together And with rain the dirt would melt into each other and it would cause a topsoil We caught that ship before it even started raining So as soon as those construction guys would leave

Four guys would go across the street. We would go across the street. We played bomb with those things And when you hit somebody with those it just blows up and smoke comes out and dust So you're dirty as fuck We would throw those at each other for fucking hours And then we would go to a street like if 87 didn't have kids on it Let's go to 87th street. There's no kids and their trees would have that shit. We played for two hours there Just bomb dirty one another. I still remember being a kid on 88th street

And one night me and like six little gorillas are hanging out like in the second grade And one kid goes is that a rat? And this rat had to be a foot long and we chased that motherfucker hit it with a stick We hit it with a stick so he was making noises. We're hitting with sticks Then we threw rocks at him that we threw more than we fucking hit him with a two by four He was dead. We must have beat him when he was dead for an hour I still remember and then we got a food figure out of way how to drag him on to the middle street and let him on fire It's god so I'm riding over

I mean, you know Chilling a rat when you're a rat. Yeah is fucking that's new york city. Shit like that was how New york city and that was on 88th street That was the calm kids I hung out with Once I got into santeria. I started hanging out on a bunch of 48th street, right? And that's why I bought the knife That's where I got the marksman repeated A delivered to my godmother's house because she wouldn't ask questions She just says it's a package for you

What a year old isn't getting packing right at that time. I was hustling columbia house Yeah, I remember record company named columbia. Yeah, so I was hustling them So I was like, uh 20 cassettes for a penny or some shit like that eight cassettes At least they had that rossini's when I was going and then the next three were at 21 99 And you had to buy four albums in a year to cancel your subscription. Fuck you I would put that penny on a postcard because remember you had to put a penny You had a fucking scott's tape of penny on a post and your little stamps for the album And you want to stand for the albums and send it so I would keep sending it to the same address only in the different names

So my godmother wouldn't know what the fuck was going every time I go to my godmother she kept You keep getting these bills up here. Who's Carlos Torres? Don't worry about And then I started doing it I started doing anybody's house. I went out would take their address down And I would talk to my mother my mother would go you got a box over at Guillermo's house And I go really that's and I go over to Guillermo's house and for a year. He got bills for me And he would come to the bar. Why am I getting bills at my house from columbia house?

I scammed for columbia house like every album. They had christmas album black albums Spanish we had a teacher that told us if you're he told us in high school We were we were sophomores. He gamed it straight up. He's like, I'll be honest with you If you're under 18 You don't have to pay for shit and he told all of us he encouraged Just go get all those CDs you want and then when they send you a bill He said take out a crayon and write i'm 16 and send that shit back. You'll never hear from him ever again So we would do the same thing, but we wouldn't do it that much. We would send it to the

Buddy over here or down the street. Oh, I ordered everything on Everything I ordered the thing. I wanted a little trophy when I first came from cuba. I couldn't wait to get a trophy You just just a trophy Sometimes you just want a trophy Sometimes you want to kick cat? I just wanted to show what kind of trophy do you want? So I just want to show anything So joe weta had this thing the There was a guy at the beach a chick with a skinny guy at the beach and the muscle guy comes over and kicks sand in his face

It was like a cartoon And then you sent a dollar 99 to joe weta and he sent you back training tips And a trophy that you were a weightlifter And you would have to do the push-ups and then you came back a week later and beat the guy up to taking your chick When you had muscles What a marketing scam Jesus christ This is hilarious. Like I had a little trophies from joe weta

I owed that's when you had to order whoopie kitchens Right x-ray glasses So they'd show you x-ray glasses. There'd be a girl at the bikini And you with x-ray glasses on like this With the amount open those x-ray glasses didn't fucking work. You got beat jack. He did you'd be like then they had spanish fly And I remember that the first time me and my buddies bought spanish fly Who we're gonna give it to and we gave it to one of my friends grandmother We all went over there and watched fucking donnie and marie

And we just stared at the grandmother for like two hours to see if she would scratch a pussy Anything give us a sign that you don't want a grandma Grandma didn't do shit So we never bought this because if she was you were eyes were ready. So yeah, we were like in the eighth grade I'll never forget the kid giving up his mother He's like fucking let's use it on my mother I don't want to say his name because people I hate him But I stood by the going to his house

Watching the donnie and marie for family Like four of us just sitting there going if she's scratching the pussy yet like if she fingering herself like we're all waiting Like she's just gonna do that in the living room Like you're such a fucking idiot when you're a kid Spanish flies and make a woman go crazy And that was the ad like the ad was a girl in a bar and then a girl passed out like cosby's And you're fucking that that was the lead that was the ad In the late 60s 70s

You meeting a girl at a bar like with a martini glass And the next minute you're both in bed like giggling like making love That was the ad for spanish fly. So guaranteed women will get loose Yeah, but then you're not supposed to give it to the grandma. But that was how we wanted a kid Before we gave it to girls in the seventh grade was a tester Before we gave it to girls in the seventh grade seventh grade like eighth grade We wanted to test it like we got in the mail on a friday and we couldn't wait We couldn't fucking wait to test on somebody. So this kid volunteers grandma

That's grandma She's gonna be over there. My mom's gonna be out playing cards If she dies, who gives a fuck and we get like we I never forget he gave grandma like two capsules And would have been like what are like milk or something? Grandma you want some warm milk? Bless your heart. We're sitting there all night fucking howlin Waiting for grandma to start finger banging herself that night. We left her depressed as fuck We lost our investment We were a bunch of perverted kids and there was a time before the pornos

You could order pornos and it came with a fucking projector It came with equipment super eight projector. So it was a super eight projector And an important two homemade pornos And you had to send the money order. So you had to walk up to the fucking chinese store or the post office Get a money order. You couldn't go to your mother and get a check In those days, it wasn't like now that they could deposit a check You had to wait 22 days for a check to clear in the fucking 60s and 70s. It was a nightmare So we had to get a money order

And I still remember waiting six weeks for the fucking camera to come And it came in a box and you plugged it in and it was very frail And it just had two things and it was super eight So it had two reels and you connected this one to this one your best play And wow until you and then we just go 10 9 8 7 and it worked Yeah, and it would go down to like an all sudden Like a fucking chick that was beat up would come up and she was sucking some guy's dick that was huge and They were disgusting pornography

It wasn't nothing like what you see today The chick didn't know she was being taped You know, most of the times there were rapes That were being filmed and these are being mailed to people There was no legislation nobody nobody nobody Was this like a porn magazine like they wouldn't have this at these ads It would be like a cheap porn magazine. There was a Puerto Rican porn magazine called pica pica Naked women with their faces covered

Why do I want to see that right like this guy was tricking chicks like he would take them home and take their pictures and And put like black over their eyes And they would show you that pussy like they had that magazine I forgot what magazine we got it from But I remember it was like five of us that chipped it And we all went up to my attic and we fucking put curtains on the wall Like a sheet and we made sandwiches Sandwich we thought we were about to see like this fucking

You know like fucking It was some chick with flat titties had been shot Some black guy with a big big dick the kid I mean one of the kids, you know And I in the bed I said that one of the kids started crying He was like 12 Like we were like 14 13 And we're watching this big black dick fucking a white chick like we never saw that before everybody went home Like when I turn it off turn it off. It's all over like nobody wanted to have sex no more

That's bad. Well, that's how bad porn was. Yeah You could buy anything in the fucking mail anything Right out of a fucking magazine the best was getting magazines and send them to people's houses You mean for like just like the cd or the cassette? You go to the magazine people magazine that big thing. Yeah fill it out send it in we'll send you 10 copies I'd fill it out send it to Lisa. Yeah For a year any one time I went to an office and there was something I'd send them to Lee And I'd wait for him to say one night. I don't know what's going on

I keep getting these magazines up to my house and I would die a laughter I would do that to people confident if I wanted to fuck what you had send your cabs Like at two in the morning And then they're expecting the fair and everything my grandma's death, please ring the doorbell And kids would come to school next day somebody said I can't And me and my friends would be howl because it was us Have you ever talked to like parents from your friends and be like, what did you think of us as the eight year old? like

How what was it like having us as kids because they must have been like they can't have recovered yet like this is great Who were you the worst in your group or was there always one that that would go and um, uh, you know an extra mile And your crew who was the guy that would just I feel like you're the guy but I also feel like you know a guy like yeah, let's be honest This is what was going on because I thought about a lot. I'm trying to write a book There was only three or four Spanish kids when I moved to north bergen in the neighborhood We weren't the popular breed. We were the fucking arable today. You know what I'm saying like these people with them either me the language and fucking

Talamundo and you know They didn't really know the culture, you know maracas and shit like that so For me to get any attention as a kid I had to be above and beyond that Do you know I'm sorry? I do. Yeah. It's like when I tell people you want a good piece of pussy fuck a white chick from Miami Because she's been competing with Spanish She's gotta suck that dick better than them

You know I'm saying all the white kids are fucking the Spanish chicks because that pussy's good You're a white chicken man. You look up with a white chick from Miami like southwest They will suck your dick to the pubic has fly out of your head Because they've been trained they have to They know they're competing against hot Spanish chicks with Brazilian chicks and Puerto Rican chicks. You gotta suck a good pipe it's It's the same fucking thing with

with when I was growing up so like It wasn't really an act to me like I was fucking kind of out there as it was my dad had died You know, I was a little out there. My mom remember what age three three But that fucked me up that my mom remarried. He do you remember anything anything? Or do you more remember pictures that you've seen? No, no I remember there's a picture of my father in the living room. My sister sent me from Cuba via my cousins. It's my dad and my mom

Circa 1954 on the street corner in New York City with like three other couples Like way before the Cuban revolution. There were kids There were kids He was six before and I remember I remember being in a living in a kitchen in Union City When we first had the bar, I remember being a block away We lived a block and a half away from the bar And I remember that him and I would dip bread into olive oil

I look till today every time I see olive oil and dip bread and I think of my father Isn't that crazy that connection with food? Yeah, it smells and I remember going through a Lincoln tunnel with him sitting on his lap at three. You remember this Me driving his car like I remember that But I don't remember the tone of his voice or conversation. I don't remember that like that I recently someone sent me a video on my grandmother and I mean, she was such a great woman took care of it. It's like she was a mom to us and uh And I heard that video and in my head

Her voice was lower. It was weird I you know what I mean? Like the pitch was a little higher than I actually really remembered it And I started realizing like oh, you know, you start hearing that voice in your voice almost Uh, but that was interesting to me because I was like, yeah, if you would have played that for me I'm like, I don't think I would have guessed that was my grandmother at first And then when the camera's on her she starts talking I was like, wow, I don't remember it being Sounding exactly like that if that makes any sense. I have two connections left to my mother's world

My godmother's daughter in Miami And my mother's brother in London And when I talked to my mother's brother my uncle and we've had a rocky 55 year relationship him and I But I spoke to him over the weekend and it's weird when I hang up with him It's like talking to my mom only if she was a man They have something in their voices to the very similar You know they like I could call my uncle on the way back from the comedy store. I know he's awake

Midnight is when he comes to lifejack. He starts watching old baseball games He puts on Spanish music. I'll play his answer machine. It's hilarious. It's him. How old is he 80? Is he really he's 80. He walks five miles a day Monday through Friday He's had cancer for 10 years and he switched his diet. He refuses to get chemo So he has a no sugar diet. You got to see this guy's body, you know at 80. It's good. It's the bag now we're day Wow, it's crazy. Yeah, it's crazy and he runs a nightclub on friday's and saturday's at 80 Damn, he's still got it Listen when you go to cleaver and hilarious take a look at nick

Take a look at nick costas At 75 you look at nick costas and you go Wow, when I was growing up A 75 year old man was frail and hunched over in a cane in a walker. Yeah, nick at 75 You know why? Because he lives ways five days a week in his basement He does 35 minutes. He does calisthenics He's checking he stays away from red meat. He drinks a little bit of rump wine

His wife is sick. He's you look at nick and you go go ahead touch your shoulder You know when you tap people on the shoulder? It's like hitting a fucking rock It makes you think it makes you really fucking think, you know Uh, we're going you how old are you now 45? You're not a youngster. No, I don't know I tell you all the time, you know, I wish I knew now Then what I know now about going on the road and eating healthy when you go on the road at first you're broke Chicken fingers fry whatever they give you whatever the fuck you give you it's pizza

But you do have a choice you do You do have a choice to eat the vegetables and the salads or whatever But you you think of the mozzarella sticks of this bed The the salad's gotta be brown. That's right. That's right. I'll eat it if I made it But I think of all the I I think I look at these guys now that a little older You'd have to take care of yourself to go out on the road and You know, you can't go on the road and drink fucking three nights around. No, no, I'll die. I'll die. You will die I'll die. I'll die

I don't drink much at all anymore. Really? No, I mean choice. Yeah. Well, you know a handful years back I started it was like a run with comedians where like five or six of my new god DUIs and I just started looking at myself like oh shit I sit here in the same. I have three four beers I can I have a tolerance. I get a I get a buzz But even if I'm not fucked up I know that if I drive home and and a dog runs out in the street or a kid or something It doesn't matter. I've been drinking. I'm getting a DUI

And I watched a girlfriend of mine at the time get a DUI it cost her 10 or 12 grand She didn't have a car for a year AA classes all this shit like the time that's the other thing that's not just the money It's the time that you have to put into this DUI and um, yeah, I smoke I smoke weed but I I mean, I'll go two two three months without having a drink It's and but it's I'll have the same six pack in my fridge for eight or nine months and not even have one It's I had a beer last night. I like a good cold whenever now in the store

I love the taste of beer alcohol I have a problem with More than one beer I have a problem with But can you have one? Yeah, I do it all the time because I've had a lot of people come on the podcast and say an hour before I go on stage So by the time I get off stage, I have no misunderstanding. Right There's no misunderstandings. I will never have a beer and get in my car I could know I can't handle it. I can't if a cop gets behind me. I lose my mind

I can have a body in the trunk And 20 kilos of coke in the trunk and drive perfectly It's amazing. I have nerves of steel Give me a cocktail and a cop gets behind me I completely fucking lose it. Well, that's the thing about weed like adrenaline or override a high for a marijuana high Immediately when I go to the comedy story tonight, I'm not high I get high when I'm down there and by the time I go on stage, it's gone. Right. I never have weed Listen, they gave me a privilege in the state

They've given me a privilege That I could even drive a weed in my car. I don't drive a weed in my car I don't like smoking in my car unless it's me and Lee when we get to the ice house Yeah, we pull over we open the windows and we smoke and then we add a car out We have a privilege. I don't ever want to abuse that privilege I don't want to be the one to abuse that privilege. Yeah, so they let us smoke You can smoke all the weed you want in your backyard You can smoke all the weed you want in your fucking house just open the goddamn windows and put an inside sticker

But there's no reason to be driving on the four or five. No I see people do it all day long. You're in trouble when you feel fucking an asshole's like that ruin it for the rest of us It is a DUI. So that's the problem. See in maryland, we have dwi which is driving while intoxicated And then also DUI which is on anything pills anything, but here it's all DUI Like there's a specific breakdown in maryland for alcohol And then everything else but here I mean, I had a buddy of mine, right this dude So he had this old uh pickup truck for a short bed and um the gas gauge was always wrong on it

It always read a half tank wrong And I believe me I've taken the fucking thing out for a push up and down the brayer before hopping in pushing it to the next Light hopping in pushing it down past melrose hopping in sweating my balls off and one night He's helping his buddy out at the equestrian center in burbank. He was in the horses He's got a cowboy hat on he's got spurs on And he's down at he's headed to the beach for a party And he runs out of gas And he grabs a gas can out of the back of the truck and he starts walking on the tent and the police see him

So originally they stopped to pull over a pedestrian on the highway. That's the initial pullover He's probably I don't know 50 yards 60 yards from the truck at this point. He's got a gas can in his hand They're like, where are you going? There's a guard ran out of gas. I'm going down the hill here to get gas And they smell alcohol So they arrest him they give him a DUI And uh, I he calls me he's like guess where I'm at. I'm like jail He's like, yep, and he's making friends with all the cops. He's going to poker night the next fucking week

And I told him I go, why didn't you just say we had an argument? And I fucking bailed and you were stuck walking with that I would have gone to court and done that for you. I'd have been like, yeah, we got an argument He's a fucking dick and I got out of there But they got him on it And then he had to move to new york because he was an actor and he couldn't drive out here He could not get the audition so he goes to new york And he has to do his AA classes in new york and he's in there with lawyers and everyone that they they're all telling everyone

Well, they're telling you make sure your prescription if you have any kind of painkillers You better have that prescription in the car with you not just get a copy of it And because they're gonna pick you up. They're gonna take you so this one dude This fucking idiot drinks. I think it's like a case of beer. He has and he needs more So he lives above a liquor store. He goes down liquor stores closed. He goes up a block or two walks drives right Gets beer pulls back in the cops pull right behind them and arrest them. Okay Liquor store was open the whole time. Well, fucker pulled on the wrong door. The other one was unlocked

This motherfucker would have never got a DUI or anything I've heard DUI. That's so fucking stupid. This is why stupid. I act the way I do Because you're gonna get a DUI When you least That's right When you least Fucking a thousand dollar cab ride isn't worth it. It's worth it. I love I love When the Lancashire they have cops you pull up to the cop

And then 10 feet from you there's a tent There's two Indian nurses taking blood out and there's 10 cars lined over I love pulling up to them looking at his eye And going what's happening And he's like licensed registration. Have you been drinking? Do I look like I've been drinking officer? I just left the comedy store and they'll go. Oh my god. We know it I love it. I love it being able to pull up to them And laughing at their face like you got nothing on me. There's nothing in here

But not not not even a fucking gum wrapper. There's no alcohol. There's nothing This was right at the end that girl I was seeing literally the day she was relieved of her DUI the year end of all of it and everything I'm I go to a fight party. It was uh, it was Pacquiao Ricky Hatton. Remember he knocked him out He knocked him out like I want to say the first 30 seconds. It was quick Well, I'm drinking thinking this is going to be a long fight. So I'm drinking I'm drinking I drink up till The the fight before the main event and I'm done now I'm going to watch this main event that's going to go all 12

And then I'll be good to go stay another hour and I'm out of there And Pacquiao knocks this motherfucker out quick and the dude was lost money. So he kicks everybody out. All right I get in my car. I drift drift down the hill. I make a right on wilshire boulevard into A DUI checkpoint. I'm like here fucking is she just got off hers and I'm gonna get it And I've definitely been drinking I shouldn't be behind the wheel and I pull up and I see the math You know, you start doing that because there's one go one over one and I'm doing the math I'm like, oh, I'm getting pulled over. I see the math, you know And uh, they pull me over and he just stares hard in my eyes and I'm nervous man. I go give my license

I dropped a fucking ticket. I'm like, oh And he looks at he gives me he gives me about three of them And he goes, all right, and I fucking pulled over around the corner and almost shipped myself like I was terrified terrified But the thing about alcohol is adrenaline if you're fucked up and they open that corridor you'll fall out If you smoke the little weed and you're scared you're you can cartwheel down that middle of the fucking line like that adrenaline over at Weeds like see you later, man. So smoke me later cops are behind us right now. I'll see y'all

It's like I'll see you back at the crib man. You ever go to your door and there's a cop and you're smoking The high jumps from right out of your body. You're gone, dude. You can even see it stand next to you going Ha ha ha ha just slowly It's like a bat. Yeah. No, no, no, I don't get the only time I get sizzled is early in the morning I watch before I work out or late when I get back from the comedy store. So when you like it when you work out No, jiu-jitsu but kickboxing and lifting. Yes. See I don't like the so when I I like to smoke and go hike or something like that where I'm not it's the it's the counting

Repetitions when I'm high that makes me like when I get to five, I feel like it should be 50 I'm like, that's all I'm at. You know what? I mean, it's some it really makes me focus and when I'm outside without I'm listening to music. I'm just hiking these canyons and stuff. That's when I really enjoy it. I I've never been Uh, I've never enjoyed smoking weed and lifting weights because of the counting involved I was growing up. I was really skinny bony shoulders And my mom wouldn't let me lift weights. I was 15 So I would take the sliding door off the hinges and put it on two chairs And I would get those sand weights and I would lift them and hide the weights under the fucking two by fours

And then When I realized what real lifting was That's when I didn't really I didn't take to it too much. Yeah I have that sushi right there. I didn't really like it And a friend of mine one day, you know, when I realized it was bench press and incline and Bent over rows and t bar rows and a push and pull technique And you had to do this four times a week. I was like this blows But then it became a basketball was like I respected basketball then one day somebody told me you don't smoke before you're playing

I'm like, no, why would I? And you're like, oh my god, it feels like you're flying through the air. That's all I needed to hear Yeah, right. I started smoking and I started hooping. I could hoop a little bit And with working out like if you definitely hate working out You do hits off a pipe before you work out Get good music on you little fucking. Yeah, I love I love getting outside like that. That's what you do Yeah, you know, it's a shame that I kickbox inside and I go to get to inside But there's days I'm like, I'm not going to one of those places today

I got a punching bag in my backyard. I got three or four kettlebells. I got clubsticks. I got a ball I got a jump row and I inhale that fucking vitamin D. There's nothing Like a little bit of vitamin D when you're working out. Yeah, that natural suntan from the sweat Because your sweat works as a suntanning fucking thing. I love I love all that aspect of it But the bottom line is it's Induced by the smoking weed I don't think I'd enjoy working out as much if I didn't get high Jiu-jitsu, you got to think too much and I'm on my back. I gotta go in there. So yeah

There's a guy at Muay Thai that when I pull up in the mornings He's smoking in his car. Really before he wraps his hands. He started. He smokes a blunt And he knows he's 50 something 40 something. He goes this is the only way I could do it Is if I don't think about what I'm doing And you don't think about it. You don't think about you focus on breathing Yes, it's the focus on your day. That's the way it is. Like you focus on breathing and you focus on your day What am I doing after this? And how much better am I gonna be that I did this today also take time like during those moments to appreciate like

All right, let's focus on what's fuck yesterday. Fuck tomorrow tomorrow. We already know it's gonna be a shit storm Let's think about all the positive shit today that we've got going on and what we've done and focus on that because You get bit by rattlesnake right now on this fucking canyon and you're dead, you know That's why I don't like hiking. I've seen a bunch of them up at Freyman, but I go to Tomesco I probably can't now with those fires at just but I like that's a real fucking hike down there, man You know when I was like a junior in high school, we would jump the fence to a cemetery Knock over the gravestones and there'd always be a little Snake in there and then we'd put them in a jar and then take them to school the next day and chase girls and shit

And I remember one day I was chasing a girl with a snake and the snake shit Like a little bit of shit and wet my arm. It was just a little snake shit So last week I got to go to my mother's grave And when I went last I always go visit her, but I went up when I went in march It's this year this year. I'm on march 20th to do nyak and for the release of uh, what's his name is book And I didn't go because it snowed a foot of snow. So when I went this time on friday It was fucking

just It was like a pussy in the 70s. Heria ship and grass and weeds So I had jeans and sneakers on and I got on my hands and knees and just started ripping weeds out, you know I don't even know what the point of the fucking story snake on an attuned and while I was ripping the things out I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa Whoa, wait a second. Let me watch my so I kicked it in there a little bit And I started ripping it and I looked and then I cleaned it out and I was tempted to push the tombstone

To see if there was a snake under that because that means your mother's in hell Like if there's a snake under that means your mother's in hell Lighting the cigarettes and shit, but I don't want to know she's in hell. So I just left the tombstone alone I wiped it down with my sweater, but it was so funny because I was smoking a joint For years I would go to my mother's grave and just smoke a joint and talk to her When she first died, I was there four times a week and there was no gravestone It was still muddy, you know, you have to wait for the grave to sell me a year before you put a thing on And then after a year, they put the gravestone. So when I pull up, I see a high-low worker

Like a guy that digs trenches out. I see him when he's on the phone a black dude. I don't say none When I sparked that reefer it must have smelled good because I'll call you man. Yeah He saw me on the floor ripping the grass and he's like can I help you brother? I said man You work here. He goes, yeah And he goes, man, you look familiar. I said, yeah, whatever. What's your name? He told me whatever his name was I shook his hand. I go you work. He goes, who's who is this? I was my mother. I grew up around the corner. He goes, yeah

He goes, god damn it. I'm all fucking tv star right here You know, we started talking and then I said, listen, do me a favor from now on Can you move this for me? And he looked at me and I went in my pocket and I gave him 320s I said, take care of this fucking grave and he went over he wrote to plot I go just trim it a little from time to time because I even took the bricks out. I had like bricks around it Yeah, like grass. Okay. He goes leave the bricks. I'll fucking put the the zip zip wacker in there So it was kind of weird that while I was ripping all that up

I thought about all the times I would go to the cemetery and kick over the fucking tombstones There'd be a snake under that. I don't know why I thought of that. My uh, my brother was big in the snakes, man Like he would catch him in the yard bring him in the fucking house There was one time we went to the doctor with my younger brother. We're probably elementary school middle school, maybe sixth grade seventh grade and uh, he my brother's inside We said we're gonna wait in the car and my other brother reaches in his fucking pocket and he pulls out a fucking snake And I'm like, what the fuck? Where'd you get these? It goes in a bush outside when we were coming. I'm like, yeah, how long has it been in there?

He's like the whole ride So one day it's my turn to cut the grass and we had the same Uh ride mower and can't buy me love the snapper ride mower with a bag catcher on the back Okay, and it's summer. It's hot as fuck. It's humid in Maryland. It's my turn to cut And back then, you know, it was before driving. So that was driving, you know, I mean you got you got to cut you like to cut the grass And um about four yards four back yards up I our buddy Jeff lives there and I see my brother and him with a big trash can and they're standing back from this pine

tree with a broom And they're hitting the fucking pine tree like this and I know I got my headphones on with the cassette I know They're getting a snake out of this tree And I'm our backyard square I'm going around and cutting it and as I come up under our our deck right here My brother's standing there with about a six foot black snake doing it like this He's acting like he's gonna throw it on my on me. I'm like, don't fucking do it, dude

And I go back for getting about or whatever the next time I come around I feel something slap across the back of my motherfucking neck and I look over here And there's a black snake looking at me like this. I said, I mean hi, bitch I grabbed it by the neck I threw it on the fucking ground. I put that blade down my brother said don't do it I rode over that motherfucker chopped that thing up in a hundred pieces Dumped that motherfucking bag thing out. So there's your motherfucking snake. You dick My brother was ruthless. I could deal with listen. I could deal with snakes

To a certain size Like what do you what's what's too big that boas and the anacondas is just kind of can rat pick you up Some fucking guy in the yard fucking around that leave alone. You know what I'm saying? Yeah I had a friend that played for who the fuck did he play for the NFL? His name was Chad Brown And he hung out with a guy It's funny because Chad Brown Also was

Very good friends with that receiver from New England. I told you about They used to hang out at Swanee's and you go, you know him And Chad Brown was uh, I mean Linebacker to tip it. No, no, he was uh, he was a Wide receiver from New England a tight end And he won a few Super Bowl then oh uh, Fourier in the beginning Christian Fourier Christian Florey and that guy were best friends But he took his girlfriend

And they became enemies. So When I lived in Boulder Towards when they were in college He sold weed for a living Chad Brown At first I had an intermediary guy and then one day he goes, listen, just go over there Chad knows you're a comedian Whenever I was just starting out. I was no comedian But I remember going over there and he'd have 20 snakes three of them rolling around the floor out. Yeah, no 20 in cages like, you know

But a couple of them out on the floor with three of them Like what pythons and bows what all that shit and he'd tell you be careful because one of them got Parable Don't stand next to that chair because there's one that's loose. I don't know if he's under there I don't have to bite you. Oh my god. Every time I went to buy weed over there. It was like going to fucking snake jungle You're out of your fucking mind. Yeah, fuck you. You went to Baltimore a couple weeks ago I'm going I'm going this weekend Is this goes up tomorrow, right? I'm there in 17th and 18th. I got the shows at jimmy's the famous

Sold out saturday sunday night 7 30. There's still some tickets left And how are you taking the whole family home? No, I did that in the summer this time. No, I might talk to you and you said you were taking your son somewhere Well, my daughter I took back in the summer. Um my stepson I'm going to take to see the chargers ravens out here this year But this time just because it's so much going on. It's just me going back for the shows And you have a new special coming out. Yeah, I got a new album coming out It's available for pre-order right now on itunes amazon google play. It drops november 20th. It's called get ahold of yourself

Did it with a great label blonde medicine Uh, it'll be available on spotify pandor and everywhere november 20th. Wherever you get good comedy podcast start Yeah, that's going to come up too. I can't really say much about that yet But uh, definitely have a new podcast starting if you're already subscribed to the craft fees You can stay right on that fee because the new show is going to pop up right there But yeah, go get that album. I'm actually making the shows in baltimore an album release party it It doesn't drop till uh tuesday november 20th But the people in baltimore are going to be the first people in the world to be able to get it

And i'm really excited to be able to do that. I think that's really cool And everything else is going well and everything else is great. You're my friend. You call me you check on me. I love you Thank you for having me on to do this. Amen. Uh We're brothers you fucking killed me. This is what we do, you know when I see you at the store you make me really happy Same to see you out, you know It's so weird how your priorities change over the years like I'm getting so old 20 years ago. I went out to become a better comic

Now I forced myself to go out. So I have human contact, you know, we're talking about it. We're broding the other day And every time I go down there as hard and difficult as it is like in my head once I hit laurel king and I'm ready and I'm ready to see somebody Sebastian or last night. I watched christa lia I watched burt go up in front of me and then uh He brought me up and I had to bring up feo. Yeah, so it's all of us It's it's You know the circle of us that you go down there. Yeah, I had to follow you the last time I went up the store

Just a couple weeks ago. I followed you But I didn't know why because I was there all night Yeah, they were looking for your son bringing it. I was there all night. I would have closed out I would have you know what dude when I heard it. I was like Nobody's got stories like that motherfucker, but it made me work harder. I did really well And uh, it made me dig in deeper and I appreciate I don't mind working hard man. I grew up working hard I'm a hustler too. So yeah, all it does is make me better That's all it does. I mean dude your joke about you don't get sick because you eat ass and swam in the hut

I was just talking about it today in the Hudson River dude. There's there's probably some Truth to the immune system This dude Johnny Lopez and Mike Astley's one fish in the Hudson River and we ended up catching an eel an eel It bounces and I ricochet it right off the chair So it goes to the 45 degree angle. What are you right through his nose, right? So we caught an eel And there's a grill That little park down by the Hudson River has little grills. Yeah, there's little, uh, rusty fuck. You gotta bring your own coal

Yeah, you gotta be crazy You're gonna get something right off the bat We cooked the fucking eel on that we didn't know we chopped it up and we ate like it's hard and shit And after that might change my life changed forever like I wasn't getting sick like the rest of the kids I didn't have bags under my eyes no more I recovered quicker from doing cocaine Like I could do cocaine for 48 hours to take you for two days to recover would make to me one day recover An eel from the Hudson did it

Fuck and they're electric eels. They're the ones that electrify you in the middle of a fucking night You're gonna It's funny the other day I took my daughter to the park And she's all about the fucking monkey bars, you know, she's getting strong Hanging upside down and she's starting to hang upside down with the hang upside down. You have to do it over the concrete So I went up to like a man. Can I talk to you for a second? Look I have my you fucking admiration, but do it over the fucking dirt And she goes why daddy go that's concrete. That's dirt if you land in the dirt

You'll be okay. I landed on the concrete. I had a twitch for a month. She's like, what's the twitch and I kept going like this She's like, what do you mean? My day she kept going daddy found the concrete And he had a twitch. I swear to god though. I landed Neck first on the concrete. He's twitched at the playground at 205 west radiation I was knocked out for like a second that was the first that started that explains a lot my dad My dad died was the first sign of PTSD at three This fucking not how old

I had to be five or five That's might have been the justice right here five or six When I landed on the base of my spine and the back of my head. I saw a couple of stars. I heard some voices I heard a A bunch of electricity going through my body Like I had fucking gotten caught in an electric fence and sing singers And the next thing you know, I woke up dog and everything was moving real fast. I think I didn't tell my mother But for a couple of days after that I had like a little fucking

You just twitched I had a little twitch reaction. So I went to like fucking like a like a carnival I went to a carnival and got like a seesaw or something I told you you'll be twitching or you'll be holding the ball squeezing with your mouth open You know, come crying to me do it over the fucking sand. So if you're fall, it's a lot lighter Oh, yeah You look at your kids and you're like you already know when they're gonna fall like I was tongue lady I did listen these are controlled things I enjoy controlled falls like my daughter likes to run back and forth on living room. She's gonna crack her head

I see it already doesn't take a dummy But at least it's a controlled fall. It's different than falling off a building for stories. You know, you get six stitches in the living room But ain't no big deal. You're in the living room. We'll put some ice on your head. We could take our time We got a red red lights. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, next thing that you're running red lights, she's gonna die Anyway, uh, I want to thank you Ryan for coming on the fucking show. It's been a long time I know that a lot of people the stigma was don't come on joey's show because you'll test positive for harrowing Oh for a while the show was taboo people

I'm there for get chris the lea called me one day like really serious like listen You know, I don't mess with that stuff. I hear that you can't even touch the microphones That everything's bugged up the two. Come on, bro. People were petrified. Listen back in the day I tell everybody because when you when your first introduction into the studio, you were like I got lsd up over top of the door jam. You had all the old school shit there But see there's legends of like sagora having to take a car service home Like people get scared to come here. Yeah, you remember when I had the lsd over the fucking wall That's old school. That's all that I had a grandma blow behind look piece. Look at that picture right there

Somebody came here to give me fucking something. They gave me a grandma blow. I hit it behind lee's picture I left it behind and came to cops came it was lee's And one day somebody came into the oasis. I go for a bump I go, I got you and I hit lee's picture and or coke rock Fred zanford tabba twice and lee's and lee's like, how come it's gotta be behind my picture? Yeah, you got a clean record. So really that was a rumor if you even leaned up and touched the mic you can test Oh my god, I remember people not calling me back getting tested for heroin anyway Fucking at that time fucking sarah tiana went down

The one chick ended up at the hospital. Hey, then once what's his name walked out of the studio Oh, yeah, and then once his name oh and benjamin Hey, didn't pauli freak out to pauli freaked out pauli see the devil knight wants to come back I can't let him back Once you leave the we're like the we're like the haunted kids Once you leave you can't come back. That's great. I love it that people were scary people actually like that was a rumor That would tell me to my face Like that generally we just can't get on the podcast

I can't be on all those drugs. My wife is pregnant. You know shit like that. They were petrified But now you know what we don't need that was no more. We haven't with the other day, but we It was guess I say 16 milligrams don't do nothing to the mule. You know what I'm saying You got to show up with a heavy artillery to kill us But anyway, that was a great thing. It was great seeing your man. You too. You're always family You're always welcome to come on the show And once you got your path podcast go and let me know and I'd love to come on there come some nasty stories of Of this fucking cop. I can't wait. All right. I love you. Thank you very much. I love you brother. Thank you

And don't forget. I want to thank ryan sickler again great fucking guy I want to thank the christ killer But most importantly, I want to thank you guys listen My church tonight my show the night before thanksgiving is sold out But I'm back at the Irvine Improv Friday night 9 45 Fucking tremendous the church all stars will be with me. No names. No names, but we're gonna have a good time 9 45 Irvine You're gonna be bored to death You're gonna be sitting there all day thursday with hamer always eating fucking turkey

But let's no traffic. No nothing 9 45. You're in Irvine So if in the in the area next friday night 9 45 joey 3 years and a fucking bunch of savages at the Irvine Improv But before I want to get off I want to give a shout out to my beautiful sponsors. Looker. You're losing your hair. It's it's not good Maybe you suffer from erectile dysfunction. That's not good. Looker 66 of percent of men lose their hair by the age of 35 like I told you in the beginning of the show You see their hairline slowly starting to move backwards any bald spot yet?

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Move ahead Like to detect it It's not too late To whip it Whip it good