Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #637 - Mikki Agarwal

Episode Date: November 21, 2018

Mikki Agarwal, entrepreneur, restauranteur, and author, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/muffler for 15% off of your portable bidet order.   Ridge Wallet - Use code "church" for 10% off your order at ridgewallet.com/church   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 11/20/2018.


Greetings from podcastville the church. What's happening now is brought to you by oh Hello tushy calm why have a dirty ass When you could fucking have a portable bidet number two this podcast is also brought to you by The Ridge let me tell you something Ridge wallet. I have fallen in love with this thing All right, the Ridge is a minimalist front pocket wallet that helps you reevaluate your everyday carry It's launched by a father-son team Funded on Kickstarter in 2013 the Ridge now resides in the pockets of over a quarter million men and women Okay, it's the RFID blocking wall is made by two metal plates

Either titanium carbon fiber or aluminum bound together by a durable elastic bond Band it is tremendous, especially if you're a traveler. Listen The Ridge is minimal and it's front pocket and it's designed to let you ditch your bulky wallet What we're gonna do here at the church is this I'm gonna give you 10% off today With free worldwide shipping by going to Ridge wallet comm slash church again That's Ridge wallet comm slash church again That's use code church when going to Ridge wallet comm Slash church this podcast is also brought to you by on it with a tremendous black Friday deal

But who gives a fuck about Friday? It's motherfucking Wednesday You didn't know that no years ago in Years ago in Hollywood there were guys in the gay community who mixed Exes see with Viagra or something crazy and put it in their asshole with a turkey roaster The turkey base You mix Viagra with what are the fuck and what what happened? Do you see me fucking jumping up and down with a feathered suit on I have no idea I don't know the guy never fucking told me but just the thought of putting drugs in your asshole

That's and they're saying now that's actually way more intense. It's more intense to put marijuana in your asshole I'm not I'm not doing it. Yeah, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing to put marijuana in my asshole right now. Those days are done You're gonna sold me at 17 at 17. You're gonna sold me on that shit They put marijuana in your asshole. Oh my I'm wallin I'm all fucking in you know saying kick this motherfucking muley I It's the church November 21st Thanks giving weekend your motherfucking pilgrims

Little Eagles for you right off the top one of these motherfucking nights We got Mickey Agrawal on the fucking show, I don't know how you say I don't give a fuck. We're just keeping the mickey Got the Christ killer Lisa Uncle Joey's in the house Happy Thanksgiving to you motherfuckers you're on a plane right now sitting in the car thinking about your hemorrhoid Thinking about how much longer am I gonna fucking sit in this car with this fucking kid next to me? Stinking and yelling and screaming That's the holiday season. That's what it is. If you fly now, you got to be fucking crazy

Like if you fly now to sit in the back in the dungeon next to fucking people with masks on and shit You're gonna sit on one of those playing like they got a mask on next to you. I'm fucking comfortable paying like triple what it normally calls And then there's a motherfucker takes his shoes off in the back But some guy you see Southwest they finally lost the case the lady got sucked out of the fucking window plane tickets are gonna go down again Wait, no, no About six months ago a lady flew out of Southwest window next day. They didn't make no announcement They just put everything on sale for $69 like nobody gave a fuck about the lady The twos are for $69

And your luggage is free you got every Puerto Rico in the world going on that fucking plane luggage is free You ever see those people they bring their own water They bring everything they don't want to lift the fucking dime these people wait, I don't understand So what happened to this woman who sucked out of a window some woman on Southwest there was a defective plane There was a woman pilot flying Which saved the flight she she they just released a recording of her saying Lord help me and then she landed the flight But before that something happened the engine busted and it caused some type of something on the plane the engine part that blew up hit the window and she got sucked out of the window

The actual woman they tried to hold her through from her legs and shit. It was really scary and they landed the flight and then Two days later Southwest on a fucking summer sale No announcement. No, we're sorry about the loss on Twitter Just hey, they're probably trying to just like push it under the rug I'm the buffalo for 3950. You know say who the fuck wants to go to Buffalo You ever call the airline and tell me you want to go to Buffalo. They even ask you why You're a quality and I love Buffalo. I'm not putting you down But I'm just like, you know when you call American Airlines, you know, I want to go to Buffalo that like listen

We tried Disneyland. Why do you want to go to Buffalo? Why do you want to do that? I love Buffalo. I love it. I fucking love Buffalo. I Fucking love Buffalo. There's savages up there Savages So what's going on when you talk to you is tell us tell the world who the fuck Mickey Agrawal is you know saying, okay, great. Well, we're gonna be getting we were born. Okay, born raised Montreal, Canada Okay, how'd you end up in the States? I went to college in upstate, New York. Okay, and graduated 2001 what kind of

Bachelor of Science, which is basically means like Going to college, you're gonna have to suck dick the rest of your life I'm still gonna bump into Harvey along the way, I don't tell you that Yeah Woman studies, yeah, okay, you better get those jaws ready You better get binocca unless there ain't like a motherfucker Women studies leave fucking crazy is America. You got to come out with two guns if you're a woman nowadays It's true. It really is it really is. I mean, you never want guns anywhere. No, but it's really weird how I

Have a five-year-old daughter and I have to decide now after what I'm learning in society how to raise that daughter how to Prepar for the fucking savages that are out there Because if not, you're both sitting there going how did this happen? Mm-hmm, and that's the worst feeling in the fucking world. Yeah, no for sure So you have to look at your children look at the times, you know when I came from Cuba They raised me to be an animal, you know, I was raised on 88th Street in New York City You being raised to be an animal your mom tells you not to cross the roadway We think they had those hands in those days and told you nine eight seven really they told you dick

It was just a yellow light you took your chances There was no hands if you would death fuck you you're dying. You didn't know dick. There was no count off There was now you can cross the street now. There's nothing 88 Street 205 West 88 Broadway to Broadway. There was no fuck. How many times did you get hit? Who me? Yeah, but three or four That's why I got a little lump, but you know stop it I didn't know about the Jewish attorney that that if I do about the Jewish attorney You think I'd be doing a podcast me, you know, I'm living on Amsterdam get my little cigarette slit I know all those all those advertisements about like if you get, you know injured then it's just like call

They're trying to pick a fucking scab. I know, you know, you're dying from asbestos But you know what man? If you grew up in New York, well if you went to New York between the last 10 years You breathe asbestos. That's a city built on fucking asbestos, New York Everything the water. I drank the water when I was back there and I'm gonna tell you something Your digestive system is a lot better down there When you live in New York, like I went to New York. I was shitting like a mule Every three hours to two footers. I wish I had to she portable with me like a portable to she Just to wash my ass right there. I'm a fucking spot. I went to this Chinese plant. I got a poo-poo platter

Took me 20 minutes before I went home and blew up the fucking bathroom I blew it up and then went and got coffee and blew it up again like a savage Because usually I don't shit on the road my asshole is very you know, it knows Savvy he's very je ne sais quoi I'm saying like he'll dump four inches here eight inches here Do you use to she but then Sunday now on the road because you got to carry it and declare it Did you imagine telling the people at Duff? Listen, this is my portable asshole watcher And they're like, okay

TSA here right now Imagine breaking this down at TSA Okay, so listen, here's how it works. Yeah, like my asshole really clean. They just be looking at you This an act of terrorism You're shiny and not the smell you wash your ass and then you towel dry it and you smell the towel still smells like ass Even if you wash your ass when I was spring wait cuz I'm not sure I don't really go I don't really travel that much and I have the bidet. I use it all the time Yeah, every time I'm at a hotel. I'm like this doesn't it's gross. This is terrible

It is easy enough to do that. You could travel if you could travel if you really wanted to be nice playing today's the people It's at that lady. No, but that's the thing You I mean like people know what a bit not a lot of people don't know what a bidet is but but if you've traveled to anywhere in Outside the United States and in Europe or Asia bidets are everywhere everywhere every single There are two floors of like dedicated to bidets in like many malls in Asia Japan a hand comes out and washes and dries your pussy for you You have to say none right and like cousin it just right comes out wipes your ass like in Japan They got everything like that the water the spring exactly they have hot thing that the moisture everything

Exactly, and then in China. You got a shit in the hole on all fours. Like you fucking over the India to India to yeah, you got to get on your hands and knees You just crouch when I was a kid I went to Puerto Rico My mother had a partner a Puerto Rican partner that you like him the book make him make an operation Yeah, I loved him and his wife to Lila and I love their daughter Evie and Every year we go to Puerto Rico, but they were originally from the town called Mojito Where there was no bathrooms in the homes. They just had outhouses and I remember staying there for two nights And like not shit

Like I went to look at the hot house and I saw a crab Climbing on the side and then I was like I'm not shit So my mother had to get a hotel in the phone say And we had to drive like an hour for me just this shit and they had no hot water This is well in 69 you want to hear something you want to hear a 70 Unfortunate fun fact about that how you have to wait for how long an hour before you to go wash your eye or clean your butt Or go to the bathroom. How long to take you said you had to drive looking out an hour regular

Okay, with a bathroom in door. Well, so did you know that? Malt like hundreds of millions of women are having to hold in their pee in their poop all day and Basically wait to late at night when it becomes dark and then travel in groups sometimes up to five miles Just relieve themselves with this India Africa all over the world in the developing world where there's no access to clean toilets It's a real thing. So people have to actually Not drink enough fluids or eat enough food, especially women specifically because there's nowhere for them to go and defecate And they would just get raped. How did you come up with this whole tissue thing? What made you get involved with it?

Oh, yeah, well me from scratch. Great. Um, because you are the CEO. I'm the founder So the story of Tushis, I'm half Japanese half Indian and both cultures grew up with bidets in Japan They have those super fancy toilets that have the hand that comes out and wipes your ass for you and like washes it for you And then dries it. It's a whole thing. It's very expensive But you know Japanese high-end toilet and in India there they have these things called the bum guns the lotas What looks like literally like a hose that you just kind of like move your hand and spray your backside and kind of sprays it Really hard and in India they they towel dry So both cultures grew up with bidets and growing up in Canada and now living in the United States for a really long time both

like the fact that That there doesn't exist an option to wash yourself and only use dry paper And so I basically did a lot of digging into this and realized that and I don't know if you know this but toilet paper was brought to America in 1890s and And it was popularized by these the brothers scott's brothers like scott's paper and Charmin and these are the families that had lots of money to spend on creating this new product that can wipe your butt But if you think about it, like would you?

Would you go to your shower go to your bathroom jump in the shower? Not turn the water on and use dry paper to wash your body Does it make sense right like would you like go to your sink and Not turn the water on and like say you're cooking like a like a like a chicken that's got like fucking You know like bacteria. Yeah, what do you call that salmonella on it? Imagine you just take dry paper and wipe it off and put it back in your cupboards It's like people will call you crazy, right? That's not clean So the fact that we're still we're using dry paper to wipe the dirtiest part of our bodies

It just doesn't make any sense And actually it's causing 30 million and exacerbating 30 million cases of chronic Hemorrhoids UTIs yeast infections for men who use wet wipes It causes anal fissures anal itching all these gross Things because to think about you're sitting on poop fecal matter all day long which causes infection disease It's like it actually that shit actually does spread and so What I noticed was that the Japanese toilets are way too expensive Nobody wants to like spend thousands of dollars on a toilet plus plumbing plus electrical for this bidet thing that they don't really know much about and

They don't want to have a like a spray gun in their bathroom And so what I and also the French bidets are those weird squat things next to your mom had a bidet Yeah, those like squat things. We just shimmy over with your poopie butt Jersey, right when we moved to Jersey that was The bathroom the shitter and it faced this way, right? And then I would have to get up turn around and sit in the Thing that you're right so but it was interesting because as a kid you're taking a shit And I turned the water on and I had my own little fountain, right little pennies After you take your shit you just hop open let the hot water hit you but the first time

I didn't know what it was and I'm looking at it and they turn the water on to hit me right in the fucking face Oh my god, that's how you discover what a bidet is but then I got hooked on it, right from but the thing is We moved in the house and I was 10 and by 11 To 16 I was hooked on that right right. I loved just clean totally And then I would scoot my foot back a little bit and you get the balls nice and wash In case you bump into a victim I would want and I'd let my penis hang And then you go back you get up it's how dry everything and everything because I come from humidville

What does that mean? I come from New Jersey nice, and I have a fucking shower for me So I got to take three showers a day Humidity makes me crazy because I know my balls just went Just in case you bump into somebody that's Cock-Suckers anonymous meeting you don't want your balls to be stinky. You ever bump into somebody got stinky balls Yeah, it's not a nice fucking situation. So I Got hooked on the bidet after my mom died. I didn't have a bidet no more really I didn't think I sat in the bidet till

Three years ago in Las Vegas Las Vegas at the hotel where I do the residency, right? They have a bidet before you this is before you experienced to she but they yes It was about a year before I experienced to she amazing. I remember I sat there going like wow Like this is better than the tongue up your ass This is a real true fucking. No, but it's so interesting because there's such a real blockage for For Americans to use a bidet they so there's historical contact So first of all a French person invented the bidet and so the English hate the French and therefore they were like

We're not we think bidets are just like this Well, yeah, what a waste of fucking time So then so then during World War two when American soldiers went to Europe and fought in World War two They would go to French brothels when they were in France and they would see bidets in French brothels And they associated bidets as something sexual and something phallic and something You know that that was against period technical America And so as a result when they came back they were like we are not bidets are dirty and disgusting We refuse we are not importing bidets, but we're importing pizza

That's when really Americans that you know found pizza and brought it back to America so they basically Accepted pizza and shunned bidets and since then like as buildings got built you have something this Okay, yeah, I'm very I'm very intrigued. Yeah, all this knowledge Well, I mean, it's it's actually it's actually fascinating when you when you understand the historical context of why people do something Why people don't do something it's kind of like, you know, why why is it that we use Purell for our hands and our total germaphobes? I mean they I mean I looked it up like Purell sells 200 million bottles a month You know to people who are like so germaphobic and yet when it comes to their ass. They're not

They're literally doing what people did in the 1800s because I washed my ass before I touched my dick Wash my ass before I touched my ass. Oh, I'm one of those guys. Yeah, like I'm clean all the way Well, so why do you think people haven't adopted the bidet in your opinion? Um, they just don't know it the same reason why people don't try surfing Maybe there's a phobia a stigma attached to it. Yeah, people are always like, oh, well shit spray everywhere I'm like, no water hitch in the ass. They might like it Right. Am I in the tent at a gay bar in North Hollywood, right? They have a bar up here. It's a gay bar They got a tent there anything goes in there. It's true. No

You go there right now and go over you can see some no, it's true homophobia. I did play a big role in that Yes, I think that for sure. I think that people men will go on why would I want my asshole clean? I'm not a fucking gay dude. My ass has to have that wank through If not my wife won't like it. I think it's disgusting. I mean a clean asshole. That's why I Like the whole concept. I believe in being clean Yeah, I mean, so what's what's really what I what I feel what I take pride in in with with tushy is that it's it's not a Multi-thousand-dollar product. It doesn't require plumbing or electrical. It's $69 that anyone can have one and You know and and when you can attach it to your toilet in 10 minutes, so it's something straight

I don't mean to interrupt. Yeah, when the American soldiers were fighting and they went to the French brothels Those bidets were not used just to wash your ass They were used for quickies in between. I heard my mother say a thousand times How she would wash her pussy in the bidet in Spanish on the phone to her girlfriends Like come on. It's a pussy wash. It is pussy wash. Yeah, if you get something shot in you And you want to you know, you don't want to drip into the office an hour later. You got a little bidet there But I mean like pre-sex happy dies in the bidet. Nobody knows nothing. You know saying It's a truth. No, they were used in France is a quick pussy wash

In between fucking what do you call them cliffs? What? What they call guys that fuck cook John's John's John's yeah, so that's interesting. I mean like yeah, but that's a good thing or to keep yourself clean I think I believe right so like it's actually like I feel like wow good for them for like Maintaining no, that's it. You know, yeah, we've seen clean. Yeah, you know You know, high-priced hookers go to the doctor once a week and check out Like when you're charging a thousand bucks for monkey, they got to check it out and make sure it's clean guys No, you got wanky. It's got condom residue

You know, so you got to fucking keep your motor clean if you're I heard this one time Yeah, they're like cornstars say that they're it's safer to have sex with them than anyone all they get tested every two weeks Yeah, they go to the doctor. You got to keep your machine. That's your business. That's great If that's your business, I mean if I was a porn star, I'd have a fucking portable tissue No, totally and actually it's interesting that you were talking about that is because you know We just did a partnership with Asa Akira who's a top tremendous Yeah No, no, I know great friend red man. Yeah, she used to have a podcast with Joe. Yeah, she's a shit and by the way

She's amazing. I've never met her. I've never she's amazing. So we're doing a partner to she's using a partnership with Asa we created the product called the asa wash and Fucking brilliant And if you go to the asa wash calm check it out and by the way, oh for tushy Don't go to tushy.com because that is a porn site right go to hello Hello, so we're thinking back to the invention of hello. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm you hire an engineer Yeah, yeah, so we did the whole thing you put the investment in the time Yeah, I mean it we found a manufacturer in Asia who already made bidets

And so we just told that we want to it to look like an iPhone like a really cool You know shape of a familiar shape that people in America really felt comfortable with and the shape of the smartphone You know was a really familiar thing because it's in people's hands 24 seven And so we wanted the product to have the shape of of an iPhone and so And so then now when you put on your toilet, it looks like an art piece instead of some weird contraption That's makes you feel like something's wrong with you So what year did you launch tushy? 2006 well 2016 really had a grand launch really. Yeah, so it's still pretty new and what's interesting is that more and more people are like

Oh my god The bidet makes so much sense like like from an environmental perspective It saves 50 million trees from getting flushed down the toilet every single year to like make toilet paper that actually doesn't properly clean you You know from a cost perspective like every month you're spending at least $20 on toilet paper and all this stuff Which only makes these huge companies like Procter and Gamble billions of dollars But for us like the the the average working American that $20 a month goes along after you know think about it after 10 years That's thousands of dollars and so to really be able to

You know create something that can in three months you get paid back at $69 product So you're washing your butt properly saving you like ailments and dealing with doctors visits for hemorrhoids and shit And then after three months you're paid back and so all that toilet paper you're using You know you you cut that down by 80% you still have to pat dry you can use toilet paper to pat dry or We have organic bamboo butt towels like they do in Italy where they don't use toilet paper. They use towels So that's another way of doing it but you know to start off like we'll ease you in use a bidet you try to she or whatever you want whatever bidet product and And then to pat dry

You can use 80% less What the fuck, you know, we're just fucking wiggle dry. Yeah I love it because I have it in the back bathroom and my wife and I always forget to put paper in the back bathroom Now I don't worry about that Now I go back there with confidence. I got the hello tushy Dip the nut sack in there boom everybody's happy and it gives you time to meditate When hot water is hitting your ass or cool water Something happens to your mind. It's like wait a second you contemplate you get the condom

Do I really need to go to Santa Monica and talk to those people today? Do I really need to come sit in here hot or cold water is hitting my ass There's not a problem in the world even if we get hit by even if the Korean sends over a bomb I'm in this little bomb shelter, right? It's one of sprinkled in my eyes. I just thought When Lee showed it to me, I was in shock because I really I was ready to Figure out how to get a bidet like I was already in the process of talking to my wife like The next place we move we have to install a bidet. I know it would be three or four grand You got to cut floors, right and move shit over

but to have a bidet in your house is Fucking changing. So, you know, I'm the three four grand You pop the portable fucking hello to she in and it works just the same. Yeah, how long we have our like two years Yeah, I know what that motherfuckers. It makes driving cracked. I use it every day It's like life-changing honestly like the fact that like I just can't it's like it's like in 1890s people used like like Like dry paper to wipe their teeth down That's why people were like having cavities and all these issues and like black teeth and teeth falling out And then they invented the toothbrush and then during like the early 1900s

And it's like the fact that we're like they invented the toothbrush and then didn't solve The fucking toilet paper situation is just so interesting to me It's like you're still doing what you did in the 89 swipe your ass, but to brush your teeth We created the toothbrush. Let's go back to the Indian Because usually an Indian shakes your hand with their right hand, right? But if they hate you they hate they shake hand with your left hand because they consider your piece of shit Because supposedly wiped their hand with their hand. Yes, they don't use toilet paper. Yeah, they just watched That's why I wouldn't they only use their one hand to eat as well

That's why when you hit the lottery at the lotto place Well, they have the bomb guns the left hand Shaker is giving you the kiss of death. Malook. They definitely use toilet paper here. Don't they? I don't know Well, no, no, they have they have they have bomb guns the lottoes So they basically it's basically like a hose that sprays your ass. Who sprays it then they do That's a thing, but it's a really uncomfortable reach around situation. You know, it's just a chubby guy. Yeah, it's like you know You're fucking back on people. No people People

Fucking watching your ass. Oh, I was watching her on stage And I'm no math major you could tell there's no way she could reach around and wipe her. Yeah, no Because you were coming on it. I went to CVS this morning. Oh, yeah No, you a woman has to buy one of those extenders to actually know there for really really like, you know Obese people that you have to actually buy an extender to wipe your ass because they can't they can't reach around So you actually have to buy like a stick that pinches Paper toilet paper and then you kind of like try to rub back there

Look at this little bit day for those people are this ladies really miss her about eight days She was standing so by this time she had moved and I didn't want to be like a 60 minute type guy Take a picture and I just thought about hello Tushy. She's the perfect advertising So hello Tushy the extended Triple X version bigger than 300 pounds And you want your ass or to be clean and it has like the thing I like with hello You have to extend your cheeks also like you have to sit a certain way That's to get the maximum. Oh, I rock back and forth. Yeah, I rock back and forth, too

You're a rocker. I rock what I do use a thing and you just like let it do it. Yeah You know me. I'm half a doctor I don't have no problem. You know why I got a back bathroom So I open the door. I close the door that leads into my office and I smoke Shit, so every time you cough You just drop. Oh, there's no cut Genius cut no more. It just comes all off. Wow. Wow. Why are you coughing? Are you choking?

You hear it going into the water like a shark And then you turn the hello Tushy on nothing Everybody's happy, right? I was kind of disappointed when he gave me the cold one I was like, oh, maybe I'll order the hot water one. I like the cold I like the cool one too. I use the cool one, too I didn't even hook up my warm and cool one Because and by the way, if you bought the warm and cool one and you didn't want to hook it up You could actually just um

Still use it for the cool water one. Oh, I like the medium Yeah, I don't want your asshole to be on fire. I think you leave the house I like it nice and cool. It wakes me up. I like it, but it's like not it's like room temp. You know, it's like mine's cold It's been chilly around here lately. Mine's been cool. I like it. Yes. I cry out therapy for your ass Therapy for your ass. It's fun. I went to crowd therapy. Come on. I went to the Jiu Jitsu this afternoon I went to crowd therapy. Nice. And when if I go to crowd therapy, I always think about how I used to go to a gay bar in the 80s in New York called Ramrods That's why I used to buy kwayloons, gorilla biscuits

What are kwayloons again? I'm I am I are cosby pills, but I know I know before cosby fucking disgrace them random Ah Kwayloons were a fun drug everybody the gorilla biscuits. They were fun Gorilla biscuits and I would go down there and I saw and they had three floors of gay them You know, they had lesbians gay guys and they had like a fetish floor Well, you know and they had like but the thing I remember one time Was a guy telling me that he got his dick sucked the night before by a guy with ice cubes in his mouth And he liked it

Oh, yeah, he goes in the mouth was cold. It was tremendous And I'm thinking about how that guy really invented cryotherapy. He didn't even know it I'd so that's a whoever sucked his dick invented cryotherapy Without knowing that guy, but I thought if you used ice cubes, it made it shrink I don't know unless you suck a good dick, right and it's not ice and it's in your mouth crushed crushed ice, right, right, right White castle ice You're gonna white castle. Don't give me ice cubes. They give me that crushed ice You could suck a pipe and we're not scratching a dick. You're a fucking professional

Not for nothing more family Thanksgiving conversation, you know what I'm saying? We should bring it up when grandma comes. Yeah, fuck grandma Is grandma coming on the show? No grandma's dead and buried the grandma's dead and buried in the vaticubus somewhere. Oh, cool Yeah, poor bitch Nine kids never got nothing for it Dying communism what the fuck Have you been back? No No

Not since they opened it. Yeah, I haven't either. Yeah, I don't know what my problem is I don't know, you know It's like 23 and me And I know those things for some people they can handle it For some people they can't have why what's your what's your breakdown? I loved it I loved doing 23 and me, but I have a friend that found out that his grandmother had an affair So now They call him the grandma whore. They go into the grave and throwing flowers on and on it. Oh my god

That's what 23 and me did to that fucking family Or like 100 accurate. It's one of those fucking things. Come on. I mean, it's right in there Okay, wait, so what are what percentage of you are is they had the person that you me? I'm from the upper peninsula of spain Like 50% is from spanish blood Then I had west african blood. I had uh, chinese blood From when the chinese went around the world and they found their dna. I have some of that dna A little russian jew and that's it. There was something else west african The north tip spain they call it something they have a name for that

I don't mind doing 23 and me, but if you're gonna find that your uncle's your fucking father You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it's not gonna help. No, no, I get that. So yeah, that's scary. That's the last 10 conversations It's about his grandma fucking a cuban guy Instead of fucking the grandpa and that's why the cuban it's fucking hysteria Whoa, and maybe like but are the are the grandkids now like Children from the affair. Yeah, like everybody's fucking a shock Like nobody knows nothing now. Not everybody knows why they fucking They're like fried bananas

You know now everybody knows me bongo drums. They got a certain urge to get up and dance, you know what I'm saying For years. They thought they were italian It's like wow, you ever see the commercial with the kid that comes out. Hi, my name is louis You could tell that guy sucked 18 dicks. He's like I thought for years. I was Something else, but I'm really italian you know italian nobody's gonna claim you all right louis knock it off So that commercial with the white chick with the f of fact boyfriend with his pants rolled up It's like for years. I thought my name was I was irish

But it's really italian. Well, you know my my my well I can't even think husband. It's my first time saying really husband like out and realized and we just got married, but um He just found out he was jewish only a few years ago as well Congratulations I know and then he was like oh He found out because it's his his dad His dad had kept it a secret because his it was it's a long story, but um his dad's family His dad's family were anti semites and they then found out that they were jewish

They sold the information for the nazis. No, they didn't like the insides man. Yes. I saw a fucking movie Well, it wasn't them. No good They were those desert jews will stand their own mother for a dollar It was crazy. I'm telling you. Well, so what's so crazy was as soon as he found jews that are fucked up That means they did deals with the nazis Those people last forever. You don't want to be around them because those nazis are in argentina Oh my god, that's quite a movie. Yeah, well, I mean he He when as soon as he found out he found there's a free trip to go to israel if you're a fight if you find out you're jewish

Um, it's called birthright. Yeah, and free on the free and everything everything They want young people to move there. So yeah, I think I think I had already been so I wasn't allowed to do it But yeah, let's pretend my friend max my friend max's uncle created birthright And so yeah, and then and then andrew went on birthright as soon as he found out He was just like free trip to israel so tomorrow if I do 23 and me and I know somebody down there And he pushes the gaze so 50% of 23 and me on israel. I think you have to be under 30. Let me check under 30 30 years old I get the long sideburns. I got a black jacket with the fucking little hat. I'll borrow the little fucking kiwi hat

Get a little dangerous on my shoulder. Yeah, 18 to 32. What a fucking ripoff. You have to have at least one jewish parent What the fuck what kind of things is that? Yeah, you want to keep all you Exclusionary leticia katin. She's his Puerto Rican jewel on facebook. She'd be all right Well at group in montreal and montreal, there's a big jewish population. I actually surprisingly did not know that but it was So how the fuck did you end up in school in upstate new europe? After you go to prison I know my well my parents my parents are a very asian and they were like you cannot leave Very asian are you my my mom is from japan like off the boat and they look asian at all really

I know when I met you you're like mickey. I thought you were black. I thought you were black By the name like kiwi makawaka mickey. I'm like she's gotta be black. She married a black dude. Something's going on here You couldn't get a job at benihana if you wanted Fucking he's got it by the job kind of get a job at benihana. You don't look nothing japanese or your sister Looks more indian. Yeah, it's actually very true. She's a little darker. She's beautiful. Oh my god. Very beautiful Thank you. Yeah, there's no japanese you look a little japanese. Yeah, she's half china. She after you smoked a reefer That came out of you started buying and shit You fucking valet the rickshaw

Can you imagine that valet in the rickshaw You pull up I can't wait to have that much money to just have a rickshaw. This is gonna whip me for you That's my fantasy. I don't want to say these. I don't want to push I don't want to jet. I don't want to plane I want to fucking rickshaw. Yeah, I love and the h o b lane A japanese guy in good shape just running down the 405 That service pulling up and fucking dan tanis It's gonna take you years to get everywhere. No, what these japanese people don't fuck around

Have you ever seen them how they run with a rickshaw? You can't run 40 miles an hour. What? This guy's at the comportment that drive you around in bicycles You gotta see them. They're in shape. Yeah, they get me on the bike with 300 pounds They got me then two fucking minutes away gotta be so yeah So my dad with me get so interesting you said rickshaw and a japanese person running because my dad's from india And that would be like a perfect mix japanese guy riding it in the indian rickshaw. It's I mean wonderful So my dad pimpin. I know pimpin fucking straight out of what's that movie they made? Where they won the academy award? No, no, no, uh

Millionaire slumdog millionaire. Yeah, yeah, slum. Love millionaire That's when the kid falls into the the mountain of poop Yeah, that was that was a that was a nod to the global sanitation crisis But anyway, no, I um Yeah, so my my so my parents my father came to this country from india with five dollars in his pocket Everybody does I know right like who doesn't ever close up with us at grand My uncle came with two dollars. Yeah, good Yeah, good. Well, he did anybody he had to buy he went to go to like salvation army and like buy a jacket with it

So he really didn't have any money So so when we like, you know going to going to college in montreal was really cheap You know thinking about wow Fucking weird is that line that every immigrant including myself uses, but it's true. He actually had My grandfather came this country with eight dollars in his pocket. Well, I hope he sucked Because Things get my dad after to take out a 50 dollar loan to go take my mom out to dinner Because when he met her he had no money and he wanted to he wanted to take her out to dinner

So he took out a 50 dollar loan this is back in 1974 So 50 dollars was a lot of money and he took out a loan And I had to fill out like 40 pages of paperwork to borrow 50 dollars to take out my mom from where? Um And and well, he was it from india and he was taking out my mom, but he didn't Where were they the incant and in Ottawa at carlton university? Yeah, and so anyway, it's a it's a beautiful story So anyway, so in montreal the the cost to go to college. What's a beautiful story? He bought 50 dollars. He took the home for a handshake. He didn't even get a nookie cookie

You know I'm saying that poor indian bastard. Well, my mom $15 thank you mama. She japanese. She ain't giving nothing up on the front page. She did it. You're right. She didn't give it up at all Until he married her. He got to go home with blue balls down minus 48 She says I never said he got to go home with two dollars. You got blue balls This hot japanese chick. She wanted to keep drinking that sake I kept pushing the sake like cosby But nobody was drinking you know i'm saying i have a sake i have a sake We'll loosen up

Oh my god Well, so they met and actually it's a beautiful story They they fell in love and it was like an against all odds love story like my mom You know Her parents cut her off financially if you know if you if you marry this guy indian lowly guy And my dad's family were like we have an arranged marriage for you You know in india that would make us you know of like fine dowry and set us up So both sides they were like fuck. What do we do and they said fuck it?

We're just marrying each other But my mom said to my dad that she wouldn't have sex with him Or she wouldn't she wouldn't have sex with him until she married until he married her So they they got married within seven months and then they had three of us in one year Yeah, so my older sister's 11 months older than us and my twin sister and I were born May I ask you a question? Yes, you know your dad, you know your mommy They fooled around a little bit before in those seven months Knowing my mom maybe like dry humping

To some japanese music something like that He can't hold on forever. You gotta give me a sample of something Nobody's gonna marry you without a sample or something. You gotta show me something I mean, I think it was my mom was pure, but I don't know She just admitted to me like not too long ago that she took a puff of marijuana Smoke but she like I did not in head. I did not in head. She's just like she just puffed it out right away One of our good friends in In hollywood was japanese and she also got

You know her father on like a chopstick company He was filthy fucking rich the guy had planes and shit She wants to marry fucking kunta kinte and she ruins everything she marries the blackest black guy in hollywood And they live in the fucking one bedroom with three kids. She could have it all And the mom she's telling me the whole story the mother would come the father would stay in his Mercedes And he has not said a word Since she married the black guy Not a word makes a living in one bedroom with three kids

And fucking kunta kinte But did she love it or no Huh did she have to She's a great lady. I call her ma. Her name is messiah amazing. I call her ma and she's beautiful And she's got a fucking body that don't quit She's a mama for kids. She has to go to yoga at 4 a.m I'd be starting coke wacking off looking outside the window and I see ma with her yoga pants Walking to yoga four in the morning. I go miles a piece of ass ain't she

But she was family. I can you ask somebody for a piece of ass before it's my way I still talk to her and are we still together They're still together. They're still that's amazing and the fact that she said no to like a life that could have been Just delivered for her. I mean that that's that's a that's a real thing society's still the mother drops The father drops her off and sits in the fucking car And we'll not talk to her and we'll make wow to go up Check on the kids. She brings the kids down Shows me the kids grandpa, but you don't want to see her and the kids are all half black with michael jackson

Everybody looks like prince. So the father's fucking furious the whole time. He's playing with me. Don't know what he's playing with It's a fight. Listen racism, you know, that shit still exists in fam. No, no, are you imagining a prearrange? I don't even want half of us don't even want to marry the person we're hooked up with You ever get married and go on a honeymoon and go, what the fuck did I do? What the fuck did I do? I didn't check out the paperwork this bitch's noise You know something something you always fight something on a honeymoon. Well in in the india in the indian world In the indian world you only Meet the person like one day before or something. That's horrible. It's crazy

It's actually really fucked up. Can you imagine can you imagine? It's happening still today. It was me me You're mad you're in india and you got to marry your fat fucking cubans and all of a sudden you're like, what the fuck do I do? I better start cleaning the asses. I gotta do something That's fucked up. Like how are you supposed to marry somebody you're not attracted to? I know it's crazy I mean what so what you know and like actually and like and I it's not like a it's not like I'm fucking segueing to like My book, but I mean what's interesting is that I you know the reason why we like follow these preconceived Sort of paths is just made up like everything's made up Right like the fact that like arranged marriages like that was just like a thing that someone decided

Was the way it was going to be and then people were like, all right, we agree You know like the same thing with like everything in our lives everything. Everything is made up our conversation with my 23 year old me's Yesterday about the job market, you know just regular Conversation with a young girl doesn't have a father. I'm tight with a mother. My My wife is her aunt But I've had her since she was three right she calls me and we talked about the job market And I got out the phone and I said I looked at my wife last night go, you know

The system ain't working. No no one's preparing you for for being in the world. No the system ain't working Half these kids are coming out of college in debt And there's nothing for them. Yeah Right now my daughter was 18. I'd have to sit her down and go How about we cut a deal Let's cut a deal You live in a house for a year. No guys You could date, you know, just no guys in the house. I don't want to wake up the fucking cool to get

In the living room. No, I don't give a fuck. I'm not racist like that. I'm cute, but I can be I'll pay the rent or I'll make you car payment But you have to get a job one year. Yeah, I want you to learn If you really want to be a marine biologist, you'll learn after this one year In the real world It helped me a lot. I didn't go to I didn't have the funds to go to college I got a job selling cars and it taught me about people lying credit

It teaches you how to sell that's something I've never lost And I think kids today the old They're soft and but also like the world like they're we're so coddled and you can't even no You can't even sit them down and be like, hey, that wasn't okay Because then they'll go to like the fucking like like board and be like they were rude to me and then conversation I hope I didn't insult you or anybody in the room when I was talking about degrees. No, nothing bothers me more When a guidance counselor prepares you for nothing failure. Yeah, you know what I want to learn woman studies

Then take it as a fucking minor. I know, okay, then take it as a computer science. I want to learn African woman studies. That's great That's great. But unless you get a job at a bongo store You're not gonna fucking make a living in this life. How many african bongo stores are there in LA? Let's tweak them. It's like it's like history or like So I don't agree no more It's like I went to prison. I got out of prison. I got married. I had a kid I got a job And one day when I was 30 I go

This is it This is it Well, you know, you know horseman created the school system to create the school system to basically Turn out factory workers, right? Because they need to create because like the industrial revolution was happening And all these factories were forming and they needed to teach people how to be obedient like sheep And churn them in and churn them out like cogs in the machine So if someone didn't make it the factory like to the factory they could just plop somebody else in literally like a human machine

part and so The common school so the horseman created this thing called the common school where um Where he would basically teach people where where he taught the teachers to teach the students how to become Like factory workers and think like that and just conform them to the societal Ways of being and so that's where all of this Consumers mindset happened. That's where all the indoctrination and everything like that's why the tables were in certain rows And you know in those rows like that that's to basically create these factory workers or create obedient

students like the whole structure Of the school system was created specifically for factory workers And now of course 2018 the fact that we're still Churning students in and out with these standardized tests and all these things that do not work and we know that It you know, there 100 there needs to be a complete shift. It has to be I think the traditional High school four-year college come out and debt Credit cards handed to you from every five. So you take your first school loan Yeah, you're open game and you're young and you're naive and your parents tell you

Not to buy those fucking shoes on the credit card, but you buy them anyway And now once a month you got to pay 34 dollars for the rest of your fucking life And it's we've all learned that lesson But I think it's being you know Leap, you know, I talked to Lee and I go leave when you go to these interviews. Do they even talk to you about college? Yeah Yeah, what's your what's your work experience? What's your work experience? So my niece's beef was she's graduating, you know, five beta fucko

From the university of tennessee and nobody on high, right? So she says, you know, and she said what was her major? Something like fucking smart something like genius shit But you have to have experience so I mean, I will say that you know in my experience of even You know hiring as an entrepreneur I mean you're a startup and you need people With experience and you're hiring a lot of people right out of college, which is also great because you had to find bright-eyed bush And you consider yourself an entrepreneur. Yes several different businesses. Yes, I do you have tushy. Well, I have tushy I have three restaurants called wild which you should come to when you come to new york

They're gluten-free pizza places, but I Love you to death, but I can't I can't let my people down migrants died to bring that recipe over And you want to take the gluten out because your stomach hurts go fuck yourself I'm gonna go to your restaurant. I have three slices and shit. I just told you I almost killed lauren hill on the fly Exactly. That's what we have. We have cheese options that you can eat That yeah, we have cheese options. We have we have non-dairy cheeses and so we have cashew cheese. We've got Killing me. You know, but but you're not gonna then blow up the fucking whole plane I don't give a fuck if you put calf fucking cheese on a pizza. I gotta stand

We also have regular we have organic mozzarella cheese as well. Okay, so we have that. What does that mean? It means that the cow didn't get kicked I want the cow to get a couple kicks to the head and they know The serotonin goes into the cheese, you know, it's like chickens. You ever taste a chicken that hasn't been kicked You ever taste a chicken that's been kicked fucking delicious tender You know I'm saying you got a chicken that's been patented shit. They taste like dick It's like this tender. What is this mushroom chicken piccata with no piccata You need a chicken to get kicked a couple times. I'm not saying nothing bad here. You know, I love you, peter

How do you know it has been kicked because you could taste it as soon as you bite that chicken color You're like this fucking chicken Got this shit knocked out of last night. They put them in a cage against Fuck You can taste it And now there's a fucking turkey recall Two days before fucking thanksgiving salmonella. So now I'm gonna get Not washing their asses people are washing their butt. No, they just can't come up with that many turkeys and this

It's too much. I know they're just it's the it's like the whole The whole system is fucking crazy. It's everything. It's no it's actually and it's all bullshit and all made up Like even money is made up money's an energy, you know made up energy exchange You know, it's actually like all of it is just like fucking made up Let's go back to the pizzas because you got me robbed up. Where are these pizza locations at? Oh, I have so I have two in new york one in brooklyn one in Manhattan and I have one you haven't been lit on fire yet No, no, we we experienced hurricane sandy. We went through. Oh, I had no he means people like him throwing a brick through the window Like I'm gonna put where's your pizza place?

Where's your pizza place? It's on hudson street and where between parry and charles That's why you got away with that shit 535 hudson. You do that up on the west side So i'm gonna throw a brick through your window two in the morning. They want a pizza You're giving calf liver pizza. I'll fucking kill you. No calf liver pizza. What is it? You say we have we have barbecue chicken pizza We've oh, yeah, I'll have to stab you with bayonet. Okay, fine. We've got we've got Well, yeah, we've got we've got margarita pizza. We've got we've you keep it We got you know, we have what we have like a white truffle pizza with mushrooms. It's really nice We've got yeah, we've got our prosciutto pizza

Yeah, and it's up with it with a spite as a price a spicy prosciutto. We've got You know, we have if I want gluten The restaurant The restaurant Fortunately is 100% gluten-free You know 20% of americans eat gluten-free now Because a lot of people are actually intolerant micro intolerances are slightly allergic and they don't know it and they're not exploding For 800 years

No, no, I'll tell you nobody do nothing. No, no, I'll tell you why all of a sudden they can't wait to tell you No, no, I'll tell you how the fuck, you know, you're gluten-free. Who the fuck told you go you do blood work Huh, you do blood work and you check it out. You ask your doctor and doctor this shit People would be at a bar drinking one night having a good time Yeah, then you have stomach ache and shit everywhere What's the problem? I don't know maybe no because gluten today the way it's the way it's made like the way that it's all fucking bullshit I agree with you. Yeah your pizza parlor. Yeah. No. No. No. No. I'm no I listen. I love I love this I thought you were selling like, you know, what's that other? Well, I'll tell you vegan. No, what's the shit that my girl likes

The goat cheese. You don't put goat cheese. I'll kill you. Don't put goat cheese. Okay, fine. Okay, fine Great done. No problem. Done 14 through 19. Go cheese. I'll go. I'll actually you I dare you to come here. I dare you to meet me there and we I will have you taste it I'll do a blind. I'll put blindfold on you and I'll do like a Normal no gluten a gluten pizza and and then our pizza and you won't know you'll actually think you won't know the difference Number one and number two You'll actually feel lighter. It's a little lighter. No, no, but it doesn't even it feels like Like actual like you're tasting you work the restaurants at all. You win. I ran them for seven years before I brought up an amazing partner in

who It's amazing when you find the right person to really run Listen, I love you that you're Japanese and Indian You got to watch the register Listen, I got robbed for four years. No, no, no, I got robbed. No, you're right. You gotta put somebody No, no, I got robbed for seven years. You're gonna agree diner in new york I know the mother's always there. They only trust the mother not even the wives. Fuck my wife Fuck my wife the mother's there 12 hours a day

With a big zit with hair coming out of it. Don't give a fuck. You gotta wake him up to pay the bill Mama, mama, wake up. I had a cheeseburger deluxe If not, they'll rob you the death. No, I got robbed for so many years But I got but honestly I got robbed so long So and this sounds really naive to say but I swear to god like when I met with well lead my partner who's fucking amazing He's what's his name well lead. Well, he's the best. Well, he's a mommy. I fucking love him so much Anyway, so I I Met with him and my first question

Is he Indian too? No, he is Tunisian Listen You gotta pick a flag. Okay, you can't If you're gonna sell pizza, you gotta have an italian in there. So no, no, no, he's he's like an italian You're fucking indian. No, no, you got a Tunisian guy. I can't I can't buy a slice. I just can't sleep at night I can't buy a slice of me. Okay. No, trust me I can't sleep at night. I will I will I swear to god you come to my restaurant I will you will not even muggle to the ship like

So it's one of paul mccartney's favorite restaurants. I don't give a fuck about paul mccartney's restaurant Who else bon jovi? All right, then maybe I'll go. No, there's like he it's actually ask him ask bon jovi What he thinks about wild I'll call him up right now. Call me now. Ask him at the house. He's at the house right now um Yeah, so so that was my that was my first business and it's been around for 15 years It was before the the tushy My first I was 25 years old. I'll bless you. Yeah, 25 minutes. I've been going and you started gluten-free from the beginning We were gluten-free. I just spilled a lot of them. Um, that's sexy

Like a Carl's junior commercial I um, I'm sorry. What was it? What were you saying? The restaurant. Oh When you're 25. Oh, yeah, I was so when I was 25 years old I opened the restaurant. No experience raised 250,000 You know, just like from like random people and friends and family just like people And to tell me the truth you sleep with a no man. No One of them might have loved me, but it doesn't matter. Um, you kept them on the string though. You walk cleavage with I don't have much cleavage, but you don't need much I have a nice ass

Um, yeah, so no, I mean fuck it's fucking hard out there. Anyway, but um, so So, yeah, the right. I mean the restaurant's been going so I finally brought well eat in and I my first question to him was Like do you believe in karma? I swear to god, I was my first question because I have been robbed for so long and just Delt like I felt so betrayed And so I said do you believe in karma and his his literally this was his answer Whenever I have a bad thought a bicycle run over my foot That's what he said and I was like, oh my god. My second question was like I was like, are you are you the genie from Aladdin?

Because I was like I felt like I met the god like the person who wasn't gonna steal from me both of your restaurants. Yeah At three we have one in guatemala as well a franchise. Yeah, random. Yeah, couldn't be like jersey I know couldn't be like Connecticut. You had to go brooklyn new york guatemala Like that's deep like that. I mean on your pizza box It's new york brooklyn and guatemala Who the fuck you know what I'm saying? Like it's usually Beverly Hills, new york and london This is brooklyn guatemala

What is it narcos 3? I don't know. I don't know No, it was like you know a lot of pizza there They well, so they're very interested in in the gluten-free movement Interestingly enough and they want to bring a gluten-free kind of fast food but higher end Restaurant concept to guatemala and like literally it's it's it's it's kicking ass. Do you go down there a lot? I've actually personally never been but I get the posts and the instagrams and pictures. You are it's a god They use your name or you own it also wild they use wild and they're a franchise. Yeah, yeah Yeah, so that's the thing we got like we had like 80 franchise inquiries over the last few years and

It was all people who like either read my first book do cool shit and they were like we love it We love the idea. We'd like we want to open one But they didn't have any experience and so people, you know, like we we've known all the horror stories people Who don't have experience trying to run a franchise is just like the biggest nightmare and like, you know Like walk two words, you know, like destruction of your brand one of the business to you um So, yeah, anyway, so we fractured that and so now we've been open for 15 years while it's awesome come

I'm dare you I dare you to come dare you. Okay, great. And I will do a blind test. I swear to god I don't need to fucking know we're doing it. I want to do it. I want to just Margarita No, we've margarita. We've great it and you don't know and have a great time. I'm going to radio city to take the family Perfect, great. I'll take your whole people. Yeah done. Um, and then I started this period underwear company called things Um, period underwear Yeah, period proof underwear. We're not gonna talk about that. Yeah. Yeah I'm like period that I'm gonna be around

I mean while you're here because of it Really, why? Because my mother I used to my job when I was four or five was to clean the bar and stock the ice And fill the shelves and help her get changed and stuff like that But I was like a little half the fat cube and I believed in like treasure hunters So I would always like get a quarter and and I'd make my own maps and say look what I found

I found this quarter And I my mom knew I stole it. You know what I mean? She's like, well, you think I'm stupid and you drew the map yourself I would wrinkle it and burn the edges Like I would burn the edges to make it look like it was a map And then they had a she had a bartender called pep in siego Right peppy, but he was blind. So he wore thick glasses. So in Spanish they called him in siego So one day they started talking to me like come here. You know, there's a treasure chest in the ladies bathroom And I'm like, come on they go. We can't tell you like they fucking played me like a fiddle

For like three weeks. They're like, don't tell them about the treasure So what'd you do my mother drew a map and then led me to the woman's bathroom to the period box And I stuck my hand there thinking like there was like a hundred million there. I came in with a codex in 1970 Do you know what a codex looked like in 1970? What do you look like now they're nice and thin because everybody's pussy's nice and thin It's a little strip A codex looked like a fucking brick could weight like eight pounds a woman had to be an olympic blifter When a woman got her period she back got thrown out for five days

Because the period a fucking codex was thick and when you bundled it up it was like And I remember taking it out and looking at it and smelling it and going what the fuck And then my mom and peppy were laughing I was crying and I'm like, there was no treasure There's a woman's fucking blood and all this shit. I washed my hands 18 times And after that, I don't fuck with periods if you have your periods. We don't talk Interesting don't call me. Well, you know without that you wouldn't be here without a period I used to have a girlfriend. I would go over there with a rock a coke from time to time We got monkey and she would call me. She'd get drunk

But I always knew her cycle and whenever she called me and it was like the 24th I wouldn't answer the phone that she would call. Why don't you ever call me back? I'm busy because you got your period, you know, you know good to me. What am I gonna eat? Your in Texas actually is quite nice. That's disgusting It's like murdering somebody's blood. You wake up this blood everywhere. You gotta do it in the shower I did it one time and I got fainted. In fact, I talked to her today. I talked to her today I talked to her today. She's all she's one of my dearest friends. We moved here together We were at a beach one time in Seattle her and I had a cold

And it was like and we talked about it today. She was laughing so She was crazy just like uncle Joey, but very hot And she was there was a stream And this place in seattle had little caves you could go into And I was drinking a bottle in james Because I don't drink alcohol, but I could drink like a wine cooler And I'm about third it's 1996 I'm about 33

34 She's about 28 and she's fucking bang and I had been dating her for like two years. We talked about this today And I'm looking at her ass at the bikini. I gotta try this I'm licking the bottle and james bottle and I just started putting it by her little monkey and I'm just Putting the bottle was monkey pussy. Oh, and I'm pushing my pussy and the bottle's empty, right? So I'm putting it by a pussy and I'm rubbing it and she's starting to breathe heavy And I open up a thigh And I slipped a little bikini over and I start taking the bottle because I'm a savage

And I put in a monkey and I'm starting to just give it like little Low pushes, right? Look at mama. She's getting hot over there. She's like joe. He's the real fucking deal. He's a savage So I'm a young guy. I don't know what I'm doing And I'm just giving like a little masturbating with the thing like a dildo And now she's going crazy. I'm working this motherfucker And the vacuum from the bottle. Oh my god suctioned it suctioned her period It was out like in two days and I'm looking at the bottle and also I'm seeing this brown blood at the bottle

Oh my god And I passed out. She had to wake me up because I can't see needles of blood I pass out. She had to wake me up. My head was on a rock We laughed about it today Because she was she was telling me that the guy she dates now Does she she called me today? She's like I've been thinking about you for like a month I go, what's going on? She goes because we dated 20 years ago But we're still like I'm a godfather to one of the kids

So she goes I was talking because we talk about everything. So she called me this morning. I'm at Marie E. T And I'm writing before jiu-jitsu And she goes I love my new boyfriend But I like him because he reminds me of you. He chokes me He makes me lick his balls and he whips me and shit But he's got ed What's he he has dead dick. Oh, he's 45 and he's got to do squats That's what cure is dead dick. You got to do squats. What happened. What happened? We have dead dick

That's what she was saying. She goes nothing. She's crazy for starters. She's crazy So she's like I can't suck his dick for a half hour and not getting my anything for me All right, you know, like she's crazy. She called me once and since she went to the doctor I get it that she had what's that shit? No couple tunnel couple tunnel from giving hand jobs She goes, I got couple tunnel from all those years in high school giving out hand jobs. I'm on the phone Fucking dying till I even had to call the podcast and she said on the podcast. She's the real deal Oh my god, so today she called me out of the blue And she goes I haven't talked to you because I'm with a jealous guy

And I know that you called a few weeks ago She goes he mind me you he fucking tears me apart You know, he fucking chokes me he pulls my hair But then when we go to do it, he's gotta eat D. What should I do? I'm like, oh no, I'm gonna do squats I'm 55. I'm still rocking and rolling because I do squats. You gotta do squats. Yeah Squats It's the truth Look at what you do. Look at what heavy squats do to a man. They change your life

You know the family I got listen. I was with my wife for 13 years. Nothing happened I got knee surgery and you didn't want to use viagra or anything and no, I don't want to use not you but him I don't know I didn't ask What do you want me to call him up and suggest viagra? I don't believe in that shit. Like I'm crazy. Who knows I'll take anything I won't take it viagra. It scares the shit out of me. Yeah, it's scary. You need to take something for your dick, then Just tell it you listen. There's no sex, but I'm gonna suck the fucking anus out of your anus I'm gonna have old tushy your asshole

Via fucking text message, you know what I'm saying? I'm have old tushy. I'm close and personal hahaha How the fuck Is a woman a mom? Intelligent an entrepreneur business woman. How do you do it all? And be so sweet and be so down to earth I mean, how do you do it same thing? No, you do it and you're

Kind of part of a foofoo world, but you're fucking real Like you're fucking real Like you're real. I mean I talk about poop all the day long. Well, no, I know you're infactuated with assholes I can't even imagine what you could do with your tongue You invent and forget about it when you eat ass you go to town. You know what I'm saying? When you're doing around the world, this isn't around the world. I'm in Tunisia. I'm fucking thinking about karma my shoelaces What was the last time you got to go to around the world Lee? Never. That's what the fucking problem is That's why you walk around looking around like a momo all the time. Wait

A rocket ship to hit you You're just an amazing woman and In that way, you would have a different temperament to you because you're in new york I think it keeps you a little bit more grounded How many children do you have? I've won 16 months. Yeah. Yeah. I know you have a twin sister And that that helps me too because anytime we both if either of us are like Not being exact. I mean like for art. I mean we've been together for 39 years

Like every me and my twin sister. Well, I hope so I hope she didn't pop up like four years ago But like but like living in the same like within five blocks from each other for our entire lives And so we see each other Like pretty much every day. Yeah, I could see that she's your best. Yeah And so and so when you have your mirror with you everywhere you go, it keeps you like totally who you were Say you got a shit and she's like, yeah, you know me too. Oh, yeah No, we caught no she like like her she's the reason why she's moving out of her apartment into and she bought a house

Is because her apartment did her there They're one of the only buildings like in new york city. That's not compatible with tushy So she had like she's had yeast infection. She's a deal with the shit. And so she basically Bought a house that's compatible with tushy so she can have bed days and have a toilet That's not compatible with tushy There's like sometimes they're single units when there's no tank and when the bowl and the tank are like one small Unit without the you know, how there's like the bowl where you flush the Toilet, right when there's no tank

Um, and it's like a little flat Just to basically seat with like a little thing never even seen that Yeah, they're very very modern and not not like very few places have them And her in the new building that she was living in happened to have those toilets So she constantly had issues UTIs these other issues now with them being the mom and all this shit How'd you write time to fight a fucking writer book? I actually wrote this book like I I I went through some crazy shit Like over the last couple of years in business just building a really big but on top of this business shit

You're like that fucking guy from virgin airlines Like, you know instead of jumping off a building you go to fucking burning man And feed fucking uh people with tit milk You know, who does that not even the peace court does that not even the peace court You know, you know waste liquid gold You were featured as now. Where was your child when you had this breast milk? Was he at my no Our hero was eight weeks old and he was with Andrew's mother for just we were gone for like four days And whoa, how would you just left a bunch of breast milk for him?

Yes, I pumped for literally three straight days and then you went to burning went to burning man pumped there because you used your Your breast so I saw the pictures of you walking walking around with the pumper and people making cocktails at them Yep, white russians. You had some blind guy rubbing on his eyeball and they could see I could see Oh, shit. Well, they say never let's let's it's actually liquid gold actually cures a lot. It's it's great for your gut It's great for your system. It's a hangover cure. It's got if you want to build muscle a lot. Yeah, nutrients I had to check that one. She was kind of When I was younger and it freaked me out. She would squirt it or whatever the fuck It's amazing. I don't like that. She's amazing. I'll squirt in your face. You don't squirt in my face. Oh my god

You never squirt in my face, but I'm a man's man What am I at the Rock Hudson ball? What comes out of your nipples? Nothing fucking nothing. What comes out of yours? Did you know that when a baby sucks on a mother's nipple The baby saliva sends a signal to the nipple to through the nipple to basically create the exact concoction of breast milk That the baby needs is deficient in whatever vitamins or issued minerals the breast milk will will like literally Like like a machine that we are like produce exactly what the baby needs

And so when a baby's drinking formula, which by the way is important to do but like back when we were growing up Like everyone was saying formula is way better than breast milk like don't do breast milk It was a whole thing But like formula is not sucking at it also that's only to be supplemental There was also other options on that options There were also other benefits of breastfeeding Your child is a little bit more confident. They said your child's a little more intelligent Yeah, there was like three or four things that were I asked my mother you breastfeed me. She goes fuck. Yeah

Yeah, cigarette in one hand I'm drinking the other you was sucking out smoke. Yeah, I mean I breastfed for 14 months straight. That was that's a big commitment It's a lot. Yeah. Yeah, I think mercy breast milk for a long time to my wife gave us some breast milk Well, I mean so yeah, I mean back to like I wrote the book because I was just really I mean sort of frustrated with With sort of the media world that we live in the clickbait headline bullshit takedown vibes that You know that we live in and the way society sort of Is still so structured and so rigid and we're sort of told how to think act and behave

When we can literally like, you know, like I love you because you're so free But like most people can't speak the way you speak and in quotes get away with it societally You know, like this is you know, this is your world and this that you created which is amazing But most people don't feel the permission that they can do that and like the really the sort of the the whole Point of it is to say that hey, like, you know society was created by people You know people like you and me but only like years passed and now all of a sudden they dictate how we should act and behave And even if it's inauthentically who we are it's just so fucking weird

And you know, also, it's like, you know, really thinking about the fact that we really from the point of graduate college the point We die There are only 21,000 days to live That's it and like if we're living those lives in those days 21,000 days, that's it on earth Like inauthentically because of way society should tell us how to think and act and be or suffer Shut up. Sit down. Get you know, get serious like get your head out of the clouds like sit down Like that's just sort of the way we've been Kind of stifled to be fully expressed. I hate it. It's fucking ridiculous at the age of 30 when I got locked up

No, you didn't yeah for kidnapped Oh, yeah So I got locked up all that shit I come on I work hard You know, they won't let me back on the campus And then finally I got a job I fucking started as a laborer and I contacted the company and I took their estimating courses So I just became the estimator of this company

And they gave me a truck and a cell phone and I'm like You know five four three years ago. I was in a hole And here I am living in Boulder amongst these people like living this facade I was not happy Yeah, I had all My parents had money and insurance company the whole thing I had a kid with a I was not happy at all. I'd made my confirmation at 30 I thought maybe the Holy Spirit was gonna help me

Yeah, I joined the classes at Naropa Institute of Buddhist Institute in Boulder I did the walking meditation. I did the talks. I didn't know what it was Yeah, you just were you were just living you were just living a life that wasn't yours But it was the life that they told you right you work you mow the lawn on saturday You go to your laws on sunday and that's it and I'm like So this is it till I'm 65. Yeah, and then they give you a watch And they tell you thank you for your years of service, which is all bullshit. Anyway, it's all they've made millions of dollars on you That's it. That's it. That's what you're trying to tell me and I

and I Got it to stand up and June july of 91 And the house wasn't right Like when you live in a house that the marriage isn't right. Yeah, you can't force to funk Yeah, when the last place you want to be is home Like I had two jobs. Whoa I went home at night just basically to sleep

eat breakfast and leave And I did that six days a week so I didn't have to be home And one day she came to me and she goes I want to move it with my mother and get separated And I was sad because of the baby But I was so happy because I could become a stand-up Hmm Like I didn't want to be a fucking roofer and I didn't nothing against roofing or nothing against Nothing against anybody who doesn't anything. Yeah, it just wasn't for me. Yeah, that was a horrible feeling

When you have something and when you worked hard to be somebody and you're like That's why I don't I'm not agreeing with listen, man At 18 you have no idea what you want to do with your life. Yeah You really don't You're just well, I mean smoke up my ass Frig telling me because your cousin was a Underwater biologist So, yeah, you're blowing smoke up my ass telling me uncle joey. I want to be a underwater biologist

Now comes your third semester. You're like, I don't even like fucking water How do you like fucking go on to the beach? Well, now what do you do? I mean, it starts even before that totally it starts even before that like There's this, you know in my in my book I share the story of this guy named gordon mckenzie who's this amazing creative Designer for hallmark for 30 years and he's like a creative

And he would go to these elementary schools to talk to children to basically seek inspiration from them And just just because kids are like the most open vessels of creativity because they're not fucking full of Piled on societal shame that they can still actually come up with interesting creative ideas So he would basically go to the elementary school And kids and just talk to them So we'd go to he'd go to these kindergarten kids and he would be like, all right Who here's an artist who here is an artist and every single kid leapt out of their chairs and like Me me me the hands waving flying all these kids are just freaking out being like i'm an artist

Then he went to the first graders who here is an artist? Half the kids raised their hands Like very stable like not like ah like they were just like the then third fourth fifth graders By the time i got a sixth grader it was one person Half raised darting eyes back side to side like feeling very uncomfortable that You know he or she was the only one who You know lifted up their hand to be an artist and so just that study just showed that as we get like

Like every single moment of of our lives from the point where born We're sort of like hammered of like shut up be quiet sit down stop talking this this this is how it should be like You know like put your legs get like this that you know like don't talk out of turn like You know don't make eye contact with strangers and just like non stop And so by the time you're like past sixth grade You're already all the light and the shine and the effervescence and the artistry and the creative and the whoever you are is gone In a lot of ways unless you really focus Personal reasons i refuse to go to a restaurant that have to wait online

Yeah When you tell me i have to wait online I do not go to your restaurant like when i go to austin texas And they have people that wait online for you for eight dollars an hour I refuse that i don't want to do business with you Wow I do not want to do but i don't think you're cool I do not think you're chic

I think you're a piece of shit Because if i'm hungry you're there to feed me Not to be cool by having one guy cutting meat get four fucking motherfuckers in there making sandwiches Yeah, i'm i'm very against when my mother died my internal system broke down And even though it's a shitty thing to happen It taught me a lot about life that you don't really have to pay attention Like i drove without a license for 10 years and they're like Wow, people will pull me over on the license. Okay

And finally one cop gave me a ticket and i was forced to go in and i got the license and they said, well, what are you talking about? You don't need a license They said give us 250 and you have to come back with a license or give us 425 and Go enjoy your life You know when i fly I get in the first class lane Even if i'm not first class i don't give a fuck Because what are they gonna do to you when you get there make you stand in the other lane you're there

You're there. So i was never really into fucking law Rules Yeah, i was 10. I was given a decision by my mother. It was very plain and simple It's like we could do this my way or we could do this your way I'm gonna give you all the rope in the world That means you got up in the morning on your own you prepare your clothes Your bed is made You get your own breakfast. I will give you money to buy your own breakfast or I will get up and make it for you

But when you come home, you have to vacuum You have to clean your room you have to earn your keep She would you know in the 70s you had to go to the water company and pay the bill You had to go to the phone company and pay the bill You had to go to the bank and pay the mortgage. I was in charge of all those things So that was my little side hustle and she would leave me the fuck alone Once she died at 16, it's very rough for me like when my mother died I got offered to move in with friends of mine

I couldn't move in with them because I had a curfew. You can't go backwards now Right. I never had a curfew as long as the rule was as long as you call every hour on the hour So what'd you do? That's what you do you call everybody? But so what's in them? Where'd you go? I moved in with a friend of mine that they had no curfew. Okay, right? They had no curfew. I'd see him out all the time. They were an Italian family Yeah, I mean like rules are rules are important like rules are important to a degree to a degree But then like when there's personal rules that you apply for yourself fucking go to a play like if you eat pineapple on pizza I gotta stop talking. I know I don't do that. You put ranch

I know never I can't hang out. I know right if you were to buffalo they'd do with blue cheese That's what it was meant to do All of a sudden now you want to do fucking ranch. No, I believe in rules for certain things If you're Tunisian make Tunisian pizza Don't let me see you making a silent pizza very very international flavored I'm a little open more now, but I'm still I'm excited. I listen. I love the challenge. I'll take it I'll take him taking it on. I'm just teasing. No, no, no. Listen. I I'm stoked. I love seriously. No, hey, please I am so impressed with you

As a person as a woman and you know just everything. That's why I wanted to have you on the show Oh my gosh, and uh, I love your product. I love that you gave us the number two of your work where you we came through for you Yeah, because every week I tell people you gotta watch Like I'm that type of motherfucking on on a plane. I'll look at you and say dog this time. I'll let you slide The next time you better put fucking deodorant on because you're insulting everybody, you know Matthew McConaughey does not wear deodorant You know, uh, john. What's the other guy that's hanging out with kita? The guy that's going broke

Fucking pirates of the caravan Deodorant because they think it's cool I'm the type and then she worked with kate Hudson and kate Hudson brought him deodorant And he stopped talking to kate Hudson You know some people do shit in this town because they think it's chic or it's whatever I don't play that shit. You gotta watch your ass three times a day. It's in the bible It's in the karan Any bible? Everything religious source

Cleanliness is next to godliness. Isn't that the truth? It's true. It's the truth and then they edit it out Ass specifically Yeah, specifically like over the years the carinthians took out ass Like jesus walked all day. Can you imagine what jesus ass smelled like? You know, since the time i'm 15 i had a friend. This is why i fell in love with your product And this is the new fucking campaign for your product Since i'm the age of 13 no 15 me and mike running 16

We would sit on the corner smoke pot and talk about what guys would talk about But every 11 people one of us would always pop that up and go Could you imagine what that person's ass smells like? We do this for years even now on the phone We'll be talking watch the baseball game And he'll go can you imagine what that fucking yams ass smells like a something something Something you know and we'll die on the phone So this day we still a couple weeks ago. I was watching the u.s.c. fight

My wife was in the fucking living room. We had a babysitter and i'm watching this girl mckenzie dern Mackenzie dern's got the best ass on mma. She's a u.s.c. fighter Let me show you this girl. Okay. Yeah, she jacked. She's no no not at all. She's just brazilian california smile. It's just really pretty but she's an mma fighter. She's a u.s.c. fighter and she's fighting And i'm not is it is that where you're really fighting or yeah, she's really fucking fighting So that's so scary. I'm not uh Like i'm not You know, I wasn't watching it to look at girls asses

I'm killing time with the babysitter And mckenzie dern is fighting and i see her throw the girl against the other fence And mckenzie's her ass dern her ass is just Oh Look at her smile. She sent me a message to tell me she's gonna kick my ass Look at this girl smile. She's a jitsu check Beautiful She's brazilian gorgeous. All right, she's got the best ass in the business

And i am sitting there watching facebook and it keeps asking me what's on your mind Because facebook really asks you what's on your mind if you look at it and I wrote down I wonder what mckenzie dern's ass i was gonna smell like After this fight and like two days later. I was in every mma Journal of like They kicked me off of facebook for a few days. It was fucking hilarious And it got back to her and guess what she started doing putting up more ass videos Because she's got the she put out a video of her dancing

Two days after I said she had the best ass in the world She put out a video of her with tight yoga pants Wiggling her ass like Shakira. She's a freaking freaking half She's got a word for that's a brazilian jiu-jitsu guy They've told her that what I said she fucking ate it up She takes pictures showing her ass now. I love that. She I love that. She's got a great ass, too Yeah, really Some women just have great ass

Yeah, you bend them over you just sniff it you just hold and sniff that motherfucker Note before tushy. Fuck it Because I want to eat that monkey with that little arab gyro smell to it. You know what I'm saying? When you open it up and you can hear the arab in there Like that namaste yoga pussy you ever eat some good yoga pussy after an hour and a half of that sweaty fucking yoga That asshole's ripe. It's like a fucking goji berry Fuck it's Thanksgiving. Where the can they find your book?

Oh Forget the gourd McCormick story That's so good after we sniff your asshole and it smells like goji berries. There's nowhere else to go with this Amazon it's called disrupt her they can check it on amazon. I love you But I think but I mean I I mean like this is more of a male audience, right? So 90 10, but they don't give a fuck Okay, great. Yeah, okay, great. I put a lot of women on the show. Okay, cool. I I uh But they probably the men who are listening probably care more about their assholes their assholes. Yeah, hello tushy They're home listening to a podcast that means they're single that means there's a problem

That means a girl suck your dick and quarter with listen when I was 21 I had a girl that would suck my dick Swallow and just keep sucking and then after like four swallows. She'd go you came four times She was tremendous And one day we were out in a bar drinking and she looked me in the face. She goes I love sucking your dick, but you got a little wang to your asshole Well, and we're still friends by the way. We still talk just talked to her last week. She was in Nashville She asked me where to go eat chicken. I sent to the haddy bees But she looked me in the face when I was 21 and she goes, yes, I was got a little wang to it

You gotta take care of it that changed my life after that. I doubled up on the asshole. I got the hand wash the towel I got a little luffa I have cut a little luffa But I just scrubbed my asshole with just to take out the dingleberries and the fucking my luke That's so good. You have to I'm proud of you. You have to I'm actually like I hate washing my ass with irish spring and then sticking the towel and it still has wang of fucking white castle Like it don't smell like real ass. It smells like there was ass there. Then your ass ain't clean. You know what I'm saying? How long did it take you until you invented this new?

special Luffa like how old were you? I had to be about I was on the road and I didn't like sticking the water The towel, you know, like when you wash the towel you have to always do you have to wash your face And then wash your ass because what if you wash your ass and then wash your face? That's fucking disgusting. You got with like a little brown light spot. They think you they think you're part of the Cherokee Indian tribe So you gotta wash everything first You gotta wash everything first and then I would have to you know how thick a fucking A fucking wash towel is

That's thick if you can stick a towel up your ass like if you can stick like an inch And turn it around you might as well go to a gay bar because you're halfway there A fucking thick look at this fucking salami finger now wrap an inch towel So I'd be in the bathroom finger banging like washing my ass. I got a comedy show. I might get lucky. You never know I'm never using those towels again At the hotel. I love it At the hotel you wash up with the towel and at the end how do you stick in your asshole? Don't you use a fucking what do you just bathe with soap?

Yeah, don't you use a hand towel And I'm not really you get beat up in prison Like if you use just to borrow soap in prison, they'll beat you up black people will beat you up Why black people hate when you take a shower without fucking uh, uh a towel you have to have a towel wash your face first Get your ears. Get your nose Get your lips. What do you do with that towel after and then you wash you throwing a hamper Then you hope your grandmother don't catch the brown stain You know what I'm saying? You're like too old to be having brown if you use a tissue, there's no blank brown

So then I came up with the luffa. Well, he sticks it in there because I know that yeah You have to stick it in a little bit just to get the because if not you don't go out You ever wipe your ass and you leave the house and a half hour later your ass is spicy Like your ass starts to burn a little bit You're like something happened and you go back in the bathroom and you're half wiped You still forgot a little bit of shit that's happening everybody Will you go out like a half hour later your ass is spicy You're like something's going on down there my ass is on fire

And then you go down there and wipe and you're like fuck I didn't wipe right or you wiped correctly But there's always that after but you never wiped correctly if you're just using dry paper I'm just saying it's true. If you just I know for a fact with tushy. I don't have no after after foliage, but that's the thing I think all of us go away with with a bit with a bidet Yeah, with the bidet when it hits you it takes away the spicy. That's the thing The spicy ass is the little bit of shit that stays in the canal But that's the thing that the fecal matters. It's like mcdonald's I was telling this mama lucalie a every hamburger you buy has a little piece of fecal matter around it

When they did that movie about the meat they found fecal matter on the burgers Yeah, because none of them are washing their hands or they're wiping their asses with toilet paper And you have should install them in restaurants. I know we're trying working on it people are still weird out You have to wash your hands and your ass before like people would wait super down People are super. I know exactly what your hands and your ass. Let me ask you this No, no, it would be like people in people's homes. Yeah, you have a thousand gay publications I would think you know, I think this would be huge in the gay community. Oh, no, I have a whole campaign Which I really it was called be a better bottom

Like like, you know, because like the no, that's too bossy. See that's too obvious. No, no, we gotta give it a Okay, okay, okay bottom means you get you get you have sex be a better bottom Like he's like, you know, there's a top anybody can be a better bottom It's all about the tightness of the asshole in the cleanser And uh, you know in the 70s, they would stick their fingers up their ass And you would sniff their fingers called the gay salute at that gay club a lot of people don't know that They would stick their fingers up their ass. That was like a sample. You got like a sample of ass like we're dancing together And you'll be getting hot together rubbing dicks and all of a sudden

I would stick my finger up my ass first and give you a sample of the muffler It's like when you go to the supermarket, they give you a piece of salami the same thing you just smear my ass And then you dance and rub stick a finger up your ass and maybe scratch your balls And put it both to me and I get ass and ball at the same time and then I get aroused I don't know Is this true? This is true I swear. I swear to god. I need to see articles at that bar when I was a kid that ran No one's gonna write that no one's gonna write that nobody's gonna fucking say they stuck their finger up their ass and let somebody else smell it

It's disgusting People usually stick their finger up their own ass and give it a sniff But nobody's gonna tell you I get turned on but I know women who get turned down when you don't take a shout Like when you have armpit smell they they want that animal thing. So think about it There's a guy out there that before he fucks in the ass He wants you to stick your own finger like sucking. I can see a guy going I love you. You're so hot in your little motorcycle suit I want you to stick your finger in your ass. Let me smell it and you're like, I've never done that before I don't give a fuck

Who's your new daddy and shit? Well, you know, I'm all about experimentation. I really am I don't know. I don't know about that particular one, but I definitely You know all about experimentation Well, that's a complete different podcast I love you mickey. I'm happy you came out Thanks, Joey I want to bring you on to promote tushy. I wanted to bring you on so they could see who you were And what you were about that you're a real person

You're a fun woman. You have no fucking boundaries whatsoever Tell them what you did for the party for your wedding and um I Okay, tell you fuck Okay, it happened people went pick up witnesses. Yeah, great. See now. I'm hungry for the chocolate. Yeah, great I had we had a three-day love festival. What is this? Is this real chocolate or organic with gluten-free is

goat milk So we had um, I don't have a little it's pretty good, right? Not bad, right a lot of Trader Joe's now. I know, right? I'll well, so I don't we did a three-day love festival and at um and On the saturday night the day we got the night we got married. We had a celebration where at like around 1130 at night right before the dance party, you know, there was an offering of psychedelics or

Party favors edible stuff like that just to kind of get the party going what the in-laws think They were they were in bed. They were gone by they were gone by then for sure. I mean like Most of my friends in our burning man, you know, like we love, you know like expanding our Perspectives like you guys are right now What's your husband do for a living? He's an entrepreneur as well. He started a company called tribute which is Imagine if you wake up on your birthday and you open your computer

and you Get an email and then you press play on this email And it's a video of every one of your friends and family telling you why they love you and how you've impacted their life And so so what he created this is a really cool platform that Collects videos and compiles them into a simple montage So so like collects videos from multiple sources so you can create like so you would call me and say put a video up For kiwi it's a birthday. Yes. See we watch that monkey I know and it would be it would be like all of her friends and your family

All together because otherwise like a great service. Yeah, but because otherwise like you have to collect like hey text me the video Hey, oh you texted the wrong way. Oh, it's pixelated. Oh, it's dropbox No, no, no, he's he's he's half. He's half Jewish white white white boy. Really? Why weren't raised in in Maui? Yeah, but he's like, uh, he's got flavor for sure. Yeah Yeah, he's got flavor. Yeah, so, uh, what do you offer for the holidays for how long to she? Oh, yeah, um, we have a, um, Uh, a code which is what was the code again? Hold on? Uh, muffler muffler. Yeah the code Because what's a muffler joey? An asshole. That's right. That's a different way to say this

Honey go wash your muffler. We're having a party. You know, so yeah use use code Use code muffler for Um, I think it's like 15 off. Okay, whatever you want. Yeah, whatever Whatever the fuck you want. I love you. You're always welcome. Oh my god I think you're a fucking fascinating woman. I love it Uh, I wish I could raise my daughter to be like you. Oh my gosh. Stop sad. She'll be my intern you have A great sense of humor

I mean I still remember talking to you about the product and telling you what I wanted to do I'm dying to do that. We're doing it. I'm like It's just craziness How most people would shut you down. I believe that the internet is going into an R-rated world Yeah, and I think we need to be there. I think that commercials are gonna be a little Push the hand a little bit more. Yeah, I think to the camera, you know, push the hand a little bit more something And that's what we wanted to do, but you know what they call sag and then you don't even they're uh They would have fun fun. I mean we're waiting you tell us when listen, man. I'm doing a voice over

That's what just called me before the thing They've been going through how This was supposed to shoot This is supposed to shoot up till between like What's today's date? Wow, wait non-sag paper. Oh my god Oh every day is like nightmare

You don't know what's going on. I don't I'm not a union guy. I don't know. I just want to shoot movies What the fuck you and you had to join the union? Yeah after the second time you gotta join the union Like he could do whatever the fuck you want. You could shoot him getting the fucking dick up his ass And nobody gives a fuck because he's non-union. They'll let you do the first one for free And the second one for free So you could shoot a sag commercial with lee the first one is free The first series would be free the next time he gets a job

Before he steps on that fucking set he better pay unless it's a non-union unless it's a non-union commercial I can't do non-union because I'll get fined Oh, wow Like if you we shot a non-union commercial, but you showed it in tunisia Brand it would work got it. We shot a commercial and we shot in japan and we added in japan It would work. Oh here You get a call within a fucking year and they won't call you They'll send you a bill

Wow And that bill will be extraordinary Like you're looking at and go what Fuck just happened You know, I had I had a problem with sag 15 years ago over a firing I got fired, but I did work two days

And I wanted to get paid for those two days. I was looking for $1,260 Do you know a year later the guy called me and he goes I had no beef with you He goes I just want to release the movie and sag won't let me Because they fined me $28,000. Jesus. I said so if you give me 12 So I go just put the 12 in my account Or whatever the fuck the summer is 2,200. I don't know what it was I'll sign the paperwork and you can release your movie. Wow Sag had added so many penalties

On $2,400. Yeah, it was 2,400 for the week Then it was like $28,000 That's nuts years ago years ago, which is worth like a hundred that you know years ago I got a letter that I owe child support my daughter in colorado And they called california. They go. Yeah, you owe $60,000. I don't look like I owe $60,000 I've been paying 635 since Jesus left fucking chicago How the fuck do I owe $60,000? Yeah, maybe I sent 600 one month Maybe the agreement one year. She said I didn't get the check at first my ex-wife tried to rob me

My wife's an accountant So she went to the place where I bought all the money orders And did the math then we took it down and then we called then it was over. She was over 18 I got a bill one day from LA saying I owed $60,000. I go, how the fuck do I owe $60,000? I called LA. They said, yeah, gotta pay a 60 2000 I called an attorney said bring me 5000 and I'll get it down for you. My wife said, hold on. Let's call colorado You know how much I owed 140 fucking dollars no

And california had taxed on All the additional tax on their own Because my wife the dummy that she was filed in california At the end just to cover her ass. I was paying child support. Why would you do something like that? So how'd you fix it? I just paid colorado a check and it went away. Oh The hundred forty dollar colorado said send the money tomorrow. So did you send it tomorrow for years? I was getting checks from sag with money getting taken out For years

So now sag had to pay me so all of a sudden they still are getting three four hundred from everybody for you, bitch Fuck you. My wife called everybody. She's an accountant and everybody sent this back on money. Oh, yeah It's a wild system. We live in it. You don't cover your ass You know that right now today I could walk into sag after building Into lost checks right now, but i'm so lazy. I haven't done it. I used to do it every year I'll walk into sag after and I guarantee there's 20 checks for me They know where I live

They know where to build me. They know where to send my residuals But if the director sends a check from a long time ago or something They'll send it to the wrong address, right? I'll have to go down and I guarantee I can just do direct department I'll go down there in a week just to prove you got and I'll come back Yeah with three thousand dollars in checks that they haven't sent me because they sent it to a wrong address Or go do that but even though they send me bills Because remember sag sends you a quarterly bill and then they send you a yearly We want a percent and a half for your take

They're like the mob. So after you pay the dues january 1st You get another one before you get that fucking card You got to pay a percent and a half or whatever you made that year So and then they want 22 21,000 to get insurance. You know many dicks you gotta suck To get 21 fucking thousand or the thousand the costar That's 21 Harvey Weinstein dicks At a thousand and then they'll pay that for costar no more No costars make that no more costars making like 800 750

To get number one insurance. It's 33 thousand dollars. You have to make You know how this Yeah, Brad Pitt makes it one fucking movie. Yeah, Brad Pitt don't even use that insurance But the working waitresses and stuff like that So if you don't get that 300 dollars like that 31,000 or 33,000 they penalize you for the insurance like i'm good because i'm vested Fuck them. I was in there for 10 years And you have to work steady and get maintained number two and then you get nothing level two for life

So now every time I work it's because then they'll give me vision They give me a mental health And they give me acupuncture. I get acupuncture on my plan. So what do I give a fuck? Wow, you get one acupuncture a month. I get two That's great I love that because of fuck because we're all gonna die sticking a needle in my ass to see what happens Just one little japanese needle chinese little You're gonna do it yourself. Yeah, i've been doing it myself. I can't fucking what we want

I would take me it would take me you can pay a chiropractor like the 20 dollars Any acupuncturist you pay him a x of 20 and they'll just tell you you sure? Yeah, I'm sure I want to feel what an acupuncture needle feels like in my ass These people do anything for their league. There's an acupuncture treatment for ed But they don't put it in in there, do they? No, they don't put it in your dick. They put the needles for erectile dysfunction to raise testosterone It's a it's a it's a painful process because you have to do acupuncture through your feet But I had a lady my lady. I was with her for 12 years

My acupunctures, but then she moved to marina dalray and it's too much. So now I had to go up here But me and her got pretty personal after years. I would ask her what ailments people were coming for And she told me once she goes a cuba guy came in here one time They even wanted to get his dick hard. So it took three weeks for me to give him needles Do you know he she goes, do you know he came back two weeks later and said undo it? Because I was getting too many hard-ons like the china Chinese people don't fuck around they have a thing If you go into a chinese pharmacy like a real traditional, they have this black stuff

It's called bakla or something. It's a thin. It's like eating like thin rock Wow a thin gila graphical black ash And that's like charcoal. They'll tell you right at the thing go for the wang Chinese people they got a wang till they're fucking even in japan okinawa Is where people lived the oldest. I think they just switched it something else became Okinawa had a beat you live to a hundred. It's the oldest place where you live In the country because you eat fresh. Yeah okinawa. Yeah the blue zone and you can't just move there You have to get a recommendation to move to okinawa. You just can't move to okinawa, right and I watched the show once about

Bodybuilding in okinawa how big it is for men They have a 65 to 75 year old league And a 75 to 85 year old league and they were asking women that age like do you date these guys? Oh, fuck yeah We date them. I got like two boyfriends. We have sex and shit like that So I don't know how we got in this conversation. That's all started with hello tushy I love you. Thank you very much for coming on. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving to you If you want a nice fucking portable bidet the best in the business

Stop walking around with your ass dirty, all right There's no reason to walk around with a sniffy ass a smelly ass You want more confidence when you take your dick out you want to go. You know what? I'm free I want to know that she licks my nuts. She's not going to get fucking a whiff of this fucking dirty muffler This does not have to exist anymore Right now go to hello tushy dot com right now. They have an array of Different portable bidets starting at $69 and then use code muffler and they use code muffling You get 15% of and you have a 60 day guarantee

Um, yeah 60 day guarantee. You're not going to need it because if lee And my fucking asshole wash you haven't tapped out Yours isn't going to be this is 300 pounds plus odors Because that water sprinkler at one time he's got to say I can't take this no more What's coming out of his ass is like what they shoot at those little kids over there in turkey What's that fucking thing to zippo when the kid was sitting there with the ash I think you're talking about a ran or something. I don't fucking know I don't know my history like this poor lady

So go to uh, hello tushy dot com and buy your favorite relative. It's Thanksgiving Christmas is around the brown friday. Yeah brown friday. What else you got on sale on brown friday brown friday We've all of our everything's on sale on our website. Make sure you go to hello tushy and we have fiber monday as well Fiber monday, but fuck fiber monday brown friday is the day. You know what i'm saying Aka black friday aka jew day That's how we call real jew day. How do you learn how to negotiate? You don't even need to be a jew When I was a kid you go down to the lancy street You know what the lancy street is down, you know in new york city. That was obviously a jew

You couldn't go on that block. You had to argue for hours You would just go down to the practice negotiations skills And then you go to china town see the chinese and the yiddish Believe that if you walk in their store first, they have to do business with you So you go in there rip their hearts out and shit I'm saying how much of my mom towards her sneakers But it's like the first one of first and first the first purchase is like a lucky So we would go to china town. They got into the converse business. We would torment the chinese people

nine dollars too long too long 1299 Huh, you know you go high. I go low. We would torment them ten dollars nine nine. I get them down the corner. All right I know it's just a game. It's a sport. It's a sport I know I feel the same way about like negotiating like terms with my Supplier when you say when he went to israel, they're the best Israel and the

Indians are pretty good too. Yeah, they'll suck. You're fucking my friend. Yeah They hit you with my friend. You're like, what the fuck? I don't even know you Whatever Hey, hello to she dot com. Thank you very much. Love you. I love you. Yay All right, I want to thank mickey for a great conversation. She's fucking nuts I love it at that, uh, you know, I've been pushing her product for about two years now And uh, one day she sent me an email and I saw all the things that she did And I could tell she's a pretty fucking amazing broad. So what the fuck let's have her on the podcast

And let's have some fun. So support her over there at hello to she dot com Any but day they started 69 dollars. They come in all different colors. Let me tell you something There's nothing better than having a clean asshole over the holidays. This podcast is also brought to you by ridge wallet dot com, okay The ridge like I said is a minimalist Front pocket wallet that helps you reevaluate Your everyday carry. All right, your old wallet. You got a bunch of pictures and a bunch of bullshit You're carrying them out for months and years. Well, you really need all these fucking pictures before what?

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I want to give a quick shout out to my family over there on it Doing a black friday sale that starts you ready for this on thanksgiving november 22nd It's the biggest sale of the year. You're going to get 25% on supplements 18% are fitness including star wars and marvel or you guys are the marvel crazy people over kettlebells This is your fucking chance 20% are foods 50% are dvds in books and 30% are for barrel and personal care in addition They're going to have price cuts and they're going to have awesomeness Listen, they're going to have $10 coupons

Free shipping with premium gifts on all available items this year make 2019 your best year of your life by stocking up now on the best supplements in the business Go to honor.com slash black friday and press in church And get the best deal of your life. Listen. I want to thank uh, Miki Aguawa, whatever the fucking name is. I love it a debt that don't matter I want to thank you guys. I want to thank lee. I want to thank myself But most importantly I want to wish you guys all the happy Thanksgiving with your families

And I hope that you're safe and you uh, enjoy yourself from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate you guys for what you've done for me if it's not The fucking siso special. It's a new special out on netflix I appreciate all the applause and everything that you guys and all the love that you've shown me on that So have a great weekend. Have a great holiday. I'll be back here monday tip top magoo Listen, I got shows but I got no tickets left The only tickets you got left are in la joya and the comedy store december 6 and 7

I got the bakersfield tumbler uh Templar brewing company the temple brewing company december 12 And that's it the rest of the year guys. It's all over. I got ox not at the end of december. We'll get to that Let's worry about Thanksgiving. Let's have a great Thanksgiving. I love you guys. See you monday morning tip top magoo We're ready to fucking rock kick this fucking meal lee Oh

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