Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #641 - Jake Ellenberger with a surprise visit from Kate Quigley

Episode Date: December 6, 2018

Jake Ellenberger, a retired UFC fighter and Marine, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. We also have a special visit from Kate Quigley. This podcast is brought to you by: 23andme.com - 23andMe is a DNA testing service that can offer you insights on to how your DNA can influence your weight, sleep quality and much more. Order your 23andMe health and ancestry kit at 23andMe.com/church before December 25th for a special discount.    Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/muffler for 15% off of your portable bidet order.   Recorded live on 12/05/2018.
    

Greetings from podcastville The church of what's happening now is brought to you by 23 and me From today now till December 25th. The 23 and me DNA kits are on sale 23 and me helps you understand what your DNA can tell you about you and your family's family story It's named for the 23 part pairs of chromosomes that make up your DNA Now the 23 and me DNA kit is a perfect gift for everyone you love There's never been a better way to give the gift of genetic discovery To your parents your siblings your friends your grand body anybody in your Christmas list. This is an easy way

It's the one gift that you can buy the entire family that will be unique for each loved one And I'll tell you what it's good for like your friends at work and whatnot. What I'm gonna do is miss From today till December 25th till Christmas I'm gonna give you 30% off any 23 and me kit order your DNA kit at 23andme.com Slash church again 23andme.com slash church. I'm giving you 30% off That's the number 23andme.com slash church again 23andme.com slash church now. She was here a couple weeks ago. We had a great time

I'm not gonna tell you again Why be genetically and generically fucking unclean? Why must your ass? Oh smell like fucking ten Billy goats? Why must you walk around with your balls stinking? You don't need that no more. You know why? Hello tushy.com. That's why the leader in portable bidets Across the fucking world as far as I'm concerned I've had mine for three years with my fat fucking ass It still hasn't broken it and they give you like a 60 and 90 day money back guarantee You're not gonna need it. This thing is tremendous

You could get they started $69 and you get them with a hot or cold setting Oh, you don't know what it's like for medium lukewarm water to be in your ass. Oh my don't know me It's like a fucking party. You know I'm saying all these people want a Artificial intelligence listen go fuck yourself get somebody to blow hot water in your asshole. That's artificial intelligence Do me a favor to forget a hello tushy.com right now. You see any bidet you want press in muffler muffler Mufler fff LER and get 10% off your orders to makes a great Christmas gift. All right, mule kick this motherfucker Thursday

Hey Hey What Got Jake Hallenberger, The Christ Killer, and your Uncle Joey coming at you. What's your story Jake Hallenberger, what a fuck you've been, I got you in a witness relocation plan up in Omaha. What's up buddy, you look great. Thank you.

Good to see you guys. Good to see you man. It was great to see you at Irvine. Yeah, I appreciate that. I know when you're a dad, a night out, two hours out, as always, and you don't really want to leave. I hate leaving my wife in the lurch. You have other family down here to help your wife out?

Not really. We got her brother and sister-in-law to live down here, but all my family's back in Omaha, so not a lot, but yeah, no, by Mackenzie, she's super mom, she's amazing. No, they have no choice. They really do. I mean, they just, I give my wife props. My wife is done at 8.30, and I get it. There's some nights I feel a little alienated, but I got over that years ago.

It's tough. It's tough. I know. You know, even when I sit with Mercy, three, four hours, when I leave there, like your head's spinning. Last Saturday, I was on the road, and I spoke to my wife. My wife left the house at 9.30 in the morning, and she didn't get back till 6.30. She went to three parties.

Damn. That's tough, Lee. Watching your kids yell and get them in the car. When I'm around, it's tough when we go to those parties, but I enjoy them. You enjoy them. It's crazy, because I used to think, and I still do think I want kids, but whenever I see parents with little kids like out, and I'm like, that's, I'm nowhere near ready for that.

That's a different kind of commitment. Here's the thing that nobody's ever ready. Nobody's ever ready. You don't get a phone call that says, hey, you're going to have a kid February 8th, 2019. Nobody says that to you. So you meet a girl, you start dating, you get restabbed, you get along, you talk. She tells you she's knocked up. They read a handbook.

What are you going to do? What are you going to do? You think about your father. Exactly. And you think about his work ethics, and how you made it work, and you look at your life, and you figure it the fuck out. And then you have to, what it really did with me was it taught me about time. I knew about time years ago, but once you have a child, you really learn about time management.

No doubt. Because you want to spend most of your, as much time as you can just playing with them. It's just, you can't put it on somebody. You know, there's a line in the Godfather when he smacks the guy that's supposed to be Sinatra, and he says something stupid when I was 10. I heard it. He goes, any man who doesn't spend time with their family is not really a man. And I thought about that.

You don't know how many times I'm sitting at a fucking swim class, and I'm thinking to myself, what the fuck am I doing here? I could be right in a joke. But in the middle of that thought, your kid will come up from swimming and look over at you for like that visual type of support. And that's why you're there. You know, you have to show up to those things. You have to be a part.

And it's tough for some families. We're living in a world right now where, fuck, some parents have three jobs. They have to. Yes. There's a guy who I do open mics with who's almost exactly my age and has twin five-year-old girls. I'm like, wow, that is. You know, whatever your dream is, now you got to pay the mortgage. I'm gonna be Houston Alexander.

I'm gonna be Houston. Yeah. I don't know if he's still fighting now, do you know? If he's still fighting. I don't know. Actually, I don't know if he's still fighting. Last I talked to him, he was still fighting. But some were local.

I don't even know. He was out of Nebraska somewhere. Yeah. He was out of Nebraska. And I remember that. He fought twice and he knocked some people out. And I didn't know how I felt about him. I didn't know if I was a fan of him.

You know, whatever. I was just watching MMA. But then I saw one-on-one on him that he raised his kids. I guess him and the wife broke up or something. And so he would have to get up at six or five, something crazy. Train for an hour and then make breakfast, get the kids ready. And he drove a UPS truck, which as we know is no fucking cushy job. And then he would get home, feed the kids, bathe them, read them books, put them to bed.

And then he would go to the gym at ten o'clock at night. Nine o'clock at night for an hour and a half or something to train. I gained a whole new level of respect for that. You know, you have to look at a guy and go, wow. It looks like he's a trainer in here. I think he says he has a radio personality. So maybe he's not, he's retired now. You know, I mean, think about that life, Lee.

Think about you. I remember Josh Wolf. When Josh Wolf, it was a time Josh Wolf was raising three kids and doing comedy by himself. His wife had had problems and she had to go away for a while. And it was me and Jonathan that would Josh Wolf's help. Josh Wolf will tell you that I watched his kids and I watched his kids because I couldn't let somebody do that all by, like he did everything he cooked. He did dishes.

He did laundry. He vacuumed. You know, whenever you went over to Josh Wolf's house, he was fucking working. You didn't just talk to him man to man. You know, while you were talking to him, he was cooking or washing dishes. So after a while you pick up a vacuum and help him out or whatever, you know. What do you, I mean, what do you think about someone? I was thinking about Derek Lewis who like said in interviews for his last fight that he's

more, he just, he's there to fight to like support his family, but he's not, it's not as much of an art. Like what do fighters look down on people who aren't in it as like a martial art? Like what is that? Uh, it's, it's hard to say. I mean, you know, there's so many mouth breathers in this world and the fight culture is just, it's just very narcissistic, very, I don't know how to explain it, but as far as, I mean, I get it, you have to support a family at a certain point.

You had to break fucking Jake with like a deep question. You couldn't keep it to light questions. I'm sorry. Like what type of boxing club do you use or shit like that? What type of jump rope do you use? You see the kids, when four kids going through fucking hell, you know, in other words, he got hit in the head with the same thing Kennedy got hit with. Except he's alive.

And you want to hit him with compliments and be fucking questions. I'm sorry. You see, he's struggling. You shouldn't leave poor Jake alone for a minute. I don't know what's going on in the room. You know, your side is not around. Sometimes you leave the kids and you want to live it up a little bit. Now you want to get deep with them.

You got to warm them up or you got to kiss them in the neck first. You got to lick them in the ear. You got to tell them sweet nothings. You want to, you went to stick a finger in his ass. No wonder you're single. You're fucked. No fucking gaming skills. Keep it simple.

But like, you know, do you like handwraps? You know, shit like that. You know what I'm saying? Do you spit in a bucket? Do you spit outside the ring? Shit like that. Oh, okay. It's the fight game.

When we got here, we were talking, we were comparing the fight game to the comedy game. And then you say, well, it's two different things. I did comedy for 10 years and I never got punched in the face. Well, then you're doing comedy wrong. I got punched in the face every night for the first six fucking years. Well, at least it felt like it. It felt like it. It's the same thing.

A beating is a beating, whether it's emotional or small or punched to the face. There was some nights I'd rather just get a punch to the face and drive home and know that I'm just a fucking asshole. Then do comedy and get humiliated in front of 200 people in the fucking room. Think about it. Yeah. If I would come up to you in an alleyway and smack you in the face, nobody sees it. That's a lot different than getting smacked in the face in front of your girlfriend. I don't know.

I feel like I'd rather bomb. Oh, yeah. No, it's the same fucking thing. So, you know, when you talk about Derek Lou, yeah, I do comedy to feed my fucking family now. Yeah, absolutely. But I still respect it as an art. Right. I definitely respect it as an art.

And this is against Derek Lewis. I like Derek Lewis. It was just, I see it a little bit in comedy. People look down on you, always hear about like the road hacks or this and that. And some people just, it's more of a job. They don't, maybe they don't love it as much or whatever the reason, but it's just more of a job to them than an art. Listen, man, last week I went to Portland, Oregon, and I was doing helium. Thank you for coming out, by the way.

I had a great time in Portland. It's a beautiful city. A big shout out to, uh, Paul K. No, the fucking Mexican restaurant. One of the best I've eaten in the country. You know, I used to go to Portland in the late nineties, and it was a fucking dark cave of death. Now it's alive and kicking, you know, civilization up there. So thank you. When I went to Portland last week, there's two comedy clubs.

There's a popular comedy club, Harvey's. No, a popular comedy club, helium, where I played, then there's like a lesser room. That's like a little, they don't really hire outside of certain budgets called Harvey's. And the guy was there and now I'm too high. I can't think of David Crow. Me and David Crow started together. In fact, the year I did the Seattle comedy competition, he fucking won it. This guy had more talent and one thing that I had in my whole fucking body.

And now when I saw him, I gave him a big hug and I was happy to see David Crow, but I learned something. And no matter what we're doing, we're both still part of the same army. We're both still comics. I respect them, whether he was doing big films with the rock or I respect them. If he's doing circuits in Seattle or whatever, I still have the utmost respect for him. When I left, I was happy to see him. I was happy. He came by and said, hello.

That's a 20 year relationship. I've known him 22 fucking years. Wow. And we both took different paths. He had a family. He had, you know, close ties to his, and he didn't want to leave Seattle. Me, I was a bum. I got chased out every place I lived at.

So I settled here, you know? So for everybody, everybody has a different situation and everybody has a different motivation on why they do something. It's easy to judge someone else, I think. So it's nice to hear that not everyone does. Well, why, you know, the minute in fighting, writing, comedy, the minute where you start getting angry, you stop getting angry at other people's successes is when you really grow as an artist. As much as I hate calling myself an artist, which I'm not, I'm just a dirty comic that does an art that works on an art. I am not an artist.

Right. Most people consider themselves. But when you're an MMA guy, you're an artist. You're an artist and you express yourself in different ways. You know, I can't get an armbar when you have a gig on and hear these guys are getting armbars with no fucking t-shirts on and shit like that. It was, I do a circuit training class at the place where Joey does Jujitsu. And he always has something Jujitsu on the TV. And so I'm hoping that he will never start the class.

I watch it. And it was a documentary about the Gracies and how they kept going over to Japan and like fighting one guy. And like each different brother would fight him. And one guy had like an hour long match. Like it's, it's crazy how for like a brawler, you'd be like, oh, like heavy weights. They just punch and the fight can be over in six seconds. But for something like Jujitsu, it's, it is an art and you have to like it. You might spend 10 minutes trying to get your leg in one spot.

It's pretty, it was pretty interesting to watch. It's everything's an art, you know, boxing is an art. When you watch the, when you watch a true pure box or box, it's an art. How they trick you, how they know if I throw a fucking right hook at Jake. I already know how Jake's going to react. And I'm going to keep taking Jake in that direction. And once he nods, I'm going to get him with an uppercut. It's an art.

It's a fucking art. And it's interesting that we, it is an art, but like I'm just thinking about, we were talking about kids. My mom would never, like we, I never watched the WWE. It was too, she said it was too violent. But it's, there's a different, like it's interesting that people are looking at it now and looking past the violence and looking at like the skill. Like that's, that's, it's as much of a sport as any other sport.

Well, I signed a contract to get in a ring with somebody and fight, organize with a ref and scorekeepers and whatever. I don't really consider it violence. I consider it two people agreeing to fight each other for money. Violence, I don't know, is when I watch a movie, when I watch Narcos, and it hits the guy in the head with an asterisk. That's violence. You know what I'm saying?

So it's an art. Absolutely. It's an art that you express just, you know, when, when you watch movie tie, a movie type out, the guy just doesn't walk up to the ring. He has like a fucking thing and there's a snake charmer behind and he goes up and he does a little dance. Yeah. He expresses himself with that dance before he fights to show you what

nobody comes from or what village he comes from or whatever the fuck. Have you ever seen the, the haka that they do, the Samoans do in Hawaii? No. Like football teams do it. It's like, I get choked up sometimes. Yeah. It's pretty, it's intense. They like, they had like the entire, it's like, I don't know if it's a tribe or

what, but they all do this, like they're just yelling and like stomping. And like there was one video like a school doing it for a teacher that was retiring. And it's, it's, it's, I don't know if it's a song or it's not, it's not a song. It's like, it's a chant, but it's just, it's a, it was, it's wild to see. I'm so, I hope to see if I can find a good one. No, please. Okay. I don't know.

What's going on with you, Jake? I want to talk to me. You bad motherfucker. Are you retired? What are you going to do? What's your life about now? I'm never, I mean, the door's not, the door's not closed for, you know, we'll see. I'm not, yeah, right now I'm not, I'm not planning on fighting anytime soon.

So, but it's always weird. He's sometimes, always, sometimes the offer's coming. You know, we don't expect it. So it's gotta be, stay with me. And you got mouth to feed dog. And you got mouth to feed. It's a different type of pressure. Sometimes, you know, I go to Japan and fight for some dude.

That's an Uber driver. And he's got the Grim Reaper on his back. I mean, but there's so many options as an ex fighter that you have, you know. It is pretty cool. Like Brent is an ex fighter. I don't know if he fought in the UFC, but he fought. Yeah. And it just, it's cool.

It's cool to be able to learn from like an expert. Like if you get to be a professional fighter at any level, you're an expert, I think. Like just watching these, like, because it's amazing watching. Like I like watching the embedded and I see them like working out. I'm like, there's, even if I got in shape, there's no amount of shape that I could do the workouts that they're doing. Like I said, like the highest level. That's pretty fucking amazing to watch.

I like it. I like watching the whole development program like the whole. I love watching fighters. You, for example, you always grew as a fighter. You know, you always did something from match to match. That was something different. You know, I think that sometimes fighters are like old comics. They depend on certain jokes and they get too dependent on those jokes.

And that's what you never want. I never want to go. Well, when I fight Jake, I got to look for his right hand. No, I want the three guys in the room to say no. Not only that, he's got a mean triangle and he's got a mean fucking guard. And he's got a nasty guillotine. I want to be known for having a couple of fucking weapons. It's great to have a hard punch, but guess what?

78% of the UFC, they hit hard. That's why they're in the fucking UFC. So your mind is still the strongest weapon. Your mind is still, you have to say to yourself, I'm going to go into this fight and I'm going to make sure Jake doesn't hit me. He doesn't touch my face. I'm going to keep moving and bobbing and waving. It's a weird mindset, but an art is an art is an art.

We should have not done those bong hits tonight. Those bong hits are uncalled for at least. I'm a really bad influence on you too. I apologize. Yes, you are. You're like that little fucking devil on my hood. Like a poor Jake. I wasn't expecting that.

No, it's weird inside this world. It's 32% THC. 32.69. Wow. 32.69. This is directly fucking Los Angeles. He comes in. He comes in every weekend.

Every week we have to break records. He said this was Lamb's breath and they don't make it anymore. The last of the. I tell you whatever you need to hear. You know what I'm saying? Lamb's breath. Whatever it takes for you to smoke some fucking reef. No, because I was watching the New Narcos.

And the New Narcos, they talk about a weed called Sensimia. And I remember being a young man. And the three weeds we had on the East Coast, because yeah, they were moving all those tons, but everybody on the West Coast was getting them. The East Coast wasn't getting that weed. We were getting Colombian red or Panama red, Colombian gold. And a weed called Lamb's breath from Jamaicans.

The Lamb's breath was so fucking good, Lee. It was so fucking good. And there would be 12 spots in the city who sold it. Like 181st Street, 188th and Amsterdam. Were they all Jamaican? They were all little Jamaican spots. Nice. And every once in a while they would get a batch.

So let's say I bumped into Jake and we smoked the joint. I'm like, Jake, turn that off. It's too strong. Where'd you get that from? I just got it and now we're going 183rd Street. I'd get on a fucking bus and shoot over to 183rd Street and buy a quarter of it. That was always the place when I was growing up, was that one day

I'll go to Jamaica and I'll smoke weed there. But you were smoking it in New Jersey. I didn't smoke it until high school. I didn't give a fuck about smoking in Jamaica. I'm Mars. I don't give a fuck if I smoke it in your bathroom. I just want to be a hot. I'd never been one of those people that had to go.

I went to Jamaica and it was the weirdest thing. I was shooting the movie. I got fired. I was shooting this really awful fucking movie and I knew it was going to be awful when they didn't give me a script before I flew. I kept asking for a script. I'm like, ah, it's not really ready yet.

And when I got down there, I had a limited amount of money and I couldn't wait to smoke Jamaica weed. I'm like, I can't wait to go down. There was two weeks on this movie. And the first thing I did was I asked a cab driver. And he goes, they told me not to buy weed from the cab drivers. So once you get to the hotel, at the hotel, buy it at the hotel from the bus boy or something.

Oh, smart. OK. So I check in, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I make eye contact with the Bellman. I have like five hours ago. You don't walk me to the room. He goes, yeah, I'm gonna walk to the room. I said, listen, where's the fucking shit that killed Bob Marley?

He goes, you want weed? I go, yeah. He dropped me off in my room, dog. You know, this motherfucker. That's all I said to him is I want some weed. And he goes, OK, give me some time. You gonna be here? I go, yeah.

He goes, my name is whatever Jamal. I'm Joey. He fucking left Lee. It wasn't even 10 minutes. I got a knock on my door. He goes, man, come in. And I'm like, yeah. He fucking comes in.

He goes in his pocket, Lee. There's no baggie. There's no brown bag. There's nothing. He pulled out a fucking. I'm holding my fingers out for you people listening. It had to be an eight or nine inch torpedo bud. Holy shit.

Just one bud? That was ripped off the fucking tree. Like it was just ripped. Like he just ran to the plantation and robbed it from somebody. Wherever they grow weed. I don't know if it's a plantation. I don't know what it's called. I'm not even so nobody.

I'm not making Kelly. All I know is that he went and picked it up somewhere. The weed fields. And he wanted like 40 fucking bucks. And I don't know if I didn't have the cash. I don't know. My point was that that's how fast it was. He left.

I had rolling papers. Jesus. I fucking broke up the weed. I fucking smoked it right on the balcony. And I got fucked up. Have you ever been so high that they have to give you like high drops on the set? Cause I'm thinking about my eyes. Oh yeah.

Like they must, you know, I must get you. Oh yeah. I do. I don't, not only listen, I'm one step ahead of you. I do the fucking eye drops and since I was 35 I put the fucking wrinkle shit under my eyes. What's that? Like a wrinkle stuff so your eyes won't get wrinkled so you don't look Chinese.

I'm way ahead of you. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? I'm a professional. I can't be walking around looking like I'm cheating fucking John. That's my figure. And your Snoop Dogg you can walk around looking like you got hit in the head with a hammer. And when you're a fat fucking comic you can't walk around looking like you're high all the time.

So I would put vizena in my eyes which is not the best thing in the world, you know. I can't do it. I'm petrified with things going on my eyes. Really? Yeah my mom used to have to sit on me when I used to have to get eye drops. What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't like eye drops. You still don't use them?

No I haven't used it by myself I don't think ever. So when I got that sty in that stupid hot tub. And who put the... I'd have to put cream in and you'd hold down your eyelid and then put it in. It was a... I talked to Steve Simone because of La Jolla. I was like should I bring sheets? He's like Sebastian did.

So I'm gonna bring my own... I'm sure it's gonna be fine. It would be nice but I have bad luck with shared beds. Every time I'm near him I get a sty the day I'm gonna see him. He could be gone for a week and on the sixth day I'll get a sty. Just because he's gonna torture me. That's because you get the Airbnb check. We got the Airbnb check they killed.

What? We were fucking whatever. She went to Airbnb and the security guard killed her. They just identified the body till today she was missing. I was talking to a comic last night who Airbnb'd his place when he was at home for two months. And he said that when he got back they had broken the locks and there were two hookers living in there doing heroin with guys and there was blood all over his walls. So yeah I think you're right probably don't do an Airbnb.

Like he was renting a room. Yeah he was running his apartment out here. Fuck that shit bro. I don't want nobody in my fucking house. Me either, yeah. You know Jake needs a place to stay for a week. You need a place to stay for a week. You're always welcome but a stranger paying 66 dollars.

And how creepy are you that you want to stay in some guy's house and share his tub. I can't fucking stand that shit. I've never liked that idea since day one. Yeah and I heard they're making more money than hotels now. What Airbnb? Yeah. People love them. People feel more comfortable.

I don't like hotels. People like, some people really don't like the feel of hotels. Really? You know and there's people who now I bring more stuff. Like I bring my kids teddy bears. I bring my daughters teddy bears. Really? Yeah.

Okay. Whatever she gives me I take it all out and I put it on the bed. You know I don't put a, I don't bring a picture or anything. But I knew people who I went on the road with who you'd call them. In fact I just watched a documentary. It was the one about Leonard Skinner and they were talking about that they had a girl on the crew that you'd be at a hotel now and she'd call and you go to her room and she'd rearrange the furniture.

She'd hang posters on the room. She would burn candles. Just to give it that lived in, not that sanitary Four Seasons feel. I mean don't get me wrong it's very nice to stay at the Four Seasons. When you're a starving comic it's nice to stay at a motel sex. Right. But I just always, when my mother died, guys I lived on so many fucking couches. I stayed in so many people extra room.

I stayed in so many people's garages. I stayed on so many people that once I was done with it I was done with it. You know for the first 16 years of comedy every time I did something I would have to do it and stay at Lee's house. And one day you just get sick of it. Like I can't do it anymore. Now I can never stay at somebody's house. Jake loves me.

But Jake's wife's gonna say then why is Joey up at two? Why does he, you know maybe Jake's has one of those alarms that when you open the door the house beeps. You know his wife's gonna hear that all night me going outside and smoking dope. She's got kids. So I can't do that. You know what I'm saying? I get like when I stay at somebody's house now now I'm forced to stay up at night because

I'm not comfortable. Oh yeah. You're not comfortable. Even if you give me my own bedroom like you have like a spare bedroom. I'm not gonna be comfortable in there. I know they're next door. I gotta go pee at three in the morning. I gotta tiptoe to the bathroom.

I can't leave the pee in there. So you gotta flush it so your wife hears that. That's a weird thing that I see a lot of with the pre-fight stuff is that even for UFC fights like there's like a bunch of guys in a room like when they go for like when the whole camp goes they don't, each guy at the camp either doesn't get a room. Hold on. What do you think? The UFC gives the strength and strength.

This guy's own room. It's four guys to a room. You're smelling fart. You're sniffing feets. You're fucking smelling jockstraps. You hear people snore. Jesus. Yeah.

You don't know what life is to you. You're in a hotel room with four people. And there's one bed. There's one double bed. You ask for extra pillows? And you're fighting for the fucking, you know, you know. Can you imagine that? No.

But that's all part of the whole thing that toughens you up. That toughens your mental game up. That's all part of it. That adds to your frustration. You're really not the guy out there. Fucking, what if I put you in the Fred Astaire suite? You know what I'm saying? With a jacuzzi and a fucking big king size bed,

you might get soft on me. I need you to stay hard. So maybe it's good that you sleep in the same bed with a guy that looks like me. That's 20, 40 years old. I mean, you're 20 and I'm your trainer. I'm 55. And you gotta sleep next to me at night.

I'm farting. I'm scratching my balls. The whole night I'm watching TV. I'm scratching my balls. You're watching my left hand. You're just focused on my left hand because you don't want to know where closely in the bed. And also in the middle of the night, I hug you.

What happened? And I'm not gay. I just hug you. I'm used to sleeping with my wife for 20 years. I gotta hug you. That sounds terrifying. Oh my God. Planet to Jake Ellenberger.

Planet to Jake Ellenberger. What's the report over there, brother? What's happening? How are you feeling? Look at the tacos on the way home. That's the leftover weed from the fucking CIA from the Bush regime. They just released it today at the funeral.

As a respect, oh shit. This is the shit that killed Bush. I gotta give it to the dog pretty soon. You see a little tribe of me. This is a service dog. That dude is so happy. I love sometimes whenever we're like, we're out and he'll just give it to someone random.

I'm like, that guy is going to have a fucked up afternoon. Like sometimes you, like sometimes you like, I left edibles and the maid's going to have them. I love when I do that. I love leaving the edibles for maids. Do you think they eat it? Huh? Have you ever heard that they ate it or something?

I don't know nothing. They even forgot. They probably eat it, go home and pass out and they don't even know what happened. Yeah. Oh my God. The next day they're like, what happened? I don't know.

Some guy left two cookies. They look yummy and I ate them. Nice thing you know. We'll go put an alley. I always leave food for them in the room. This last time I left fucking beautiful sandwiches for them. Beautiful fucking sandwiches. You think they, he didn't, I think they would just throw it away.

Fuck yeah. Because Gino brought me sandwiches and my brother brought me some Cuban sandwiches. Oh nice. So I ate all the Gino sandwiches. I ate a half of a Cuban sandwich. I left it because they're Spanish maids. They're not going to eat prosciutto with mozzarella.

They'll eat a fucking Cuban sandwich. Planet to Jake Ellenberger. Planet to Jake Ellenberger. Where are we at? What's the status? How about this? What's your favorite thing to eat after a fight? Do you have anything?

Isn't that, that's a light one. That's a good one. That's a good one. He's high, he's thinking about food right now. What's your favorite thing to eat after you fight? Mmm. Just what, whatever at that moment. Oh, it's a buy the moment thing.

Yeah, I mean steak, burger, fries, yeah, milkshake. Any. That must be tough. Like especially around this time, like if you miss Thanksgiving because you're on a fight camp. Fuck, you're like, I'm really fucking struggling for this. What's the usual fight camp? Six to eight weeks?

Yeah, usually eight. When you start cutting weight. At what point of the camp? Well, you probably like three or four weeks out. You know, you really start to pay attention, but I'd say, yeah, I'm on it to more of what you got to get to. Sorry. And then once you get to weighing and you weigh in,

you still can't, you still can't go crazy. Nothing's going on. Don't worry about nothing. I'm just as high as you are. That's why I'm going. If you're hearing things, Jake, don't just pull this into the voices. This happens all the time. I just tell him to go away.

When I got that high, he called me every 60 minutes. The cops call, don't answer. I'm like, why are the cops going to call? Yeah, we just hang up on him. And he would call me back. Why are the cops going to call me? Don't worry about nothing. Don't say nothing.

The wine's open. Hang up on him. Oh my God. So after you weigh in, well, how much are you allowed to eat? Oh, whatever. You can't go first. A big deal because you got stomach cramps and stuff. Yeah, I mean, most.

I'd say a lot of, a lot. A lot of protein. Well, yeah, I mean. Don't worry about nothing, Jake. Just sit there and smile. Make believe every three minutes is what it is. So we know we're going to be all right. Just wave, whatever you can.

Can you eat before you go on stage? Yeah. Well, you eat a little bit of them, but I've never, because to me, even still now, and you had a funny joke, you said you should just start doing more shows. It's not that I'm like, I can't eat. I can't eat before I do a show. I go, then you start doing more shows.

That's true. If I was you, I'd be doing a show every hour on the hour at the London Meadow there in Chandler. And fucking Chandler and Laurel next to the fucking Isis. Isis, I put it on the corner with the homeless guys. That's still, I went in there about three weeks ago, late at night for rolling papers. That's still an Isis.

Oh, really? He, the guy who I've seen there late at night plays rock music. He plays like Led Zeppelin. He's Isis because I ratted him out and somebody went in there and said, listen, people call Anki, they know you're Isis. So now he's trying to Americanize you. He's playing the national anthem. But they got a training camp in the back.

They got people doing jumping jacks and killing lambs and shit back there. Isis is 7-Eleven's the scary place. I did something with our buddy Ross, dude, a couple of weeks ago or the last weekend. He does like alley reviews and we were in an alley and the homeless guy, like the end of the video is a homeless guy like being like, get the fuck out of here.

Sometimes like the, that's something that I, I tend to, I try to give them something, 50 cents a quarter, whatever I have, but something like there was just one person who got stabbed. This lady got stabbed giving. You know what, Bryce, stay away from homeless people now. Really? Yeah.

They're to a different level now. There's one guy around here. I give him a 20. He's a big black guy. She said, shit if it gets deep. And I'm not gonna send him loose on a motherfucker. I know for 100 hours, he'll strangle you to death. I got him on the 20 program.

I give him a hundred. I could sick him on you. He's got a black scarf. He smells bad, but he smiles. He knows what my wife and kid look like. So I told him, you see him in a jam. You choke that motherfucker. Every time I see him, I put a 20.

You gotta see when he looks at the 20, how big his eyes get. Oh, that's like a week of money. And he's not on drugs. He's not on drugs. He doesn't drink alcohol. He just probably went through a war. I guarantee he's a veteran.

I know for a fact, he's a veteran. Just by his look and his demeanor. That's really sad. He's probably a veteran. He's probably 36 or something. So he's a veteran of one of the Gulf Wars or something. I could tell. He just has mental health issues.

How can you not come in back from one of those things? Well, every time I see him, he's one of the guys I really take care of. And there's a new guy next to Lizard Meat Place. Really? There's a new guy over there. That's really interesting. Sometimes I pull over and I watch his art.

Oh, he's an artist? And I gave him like 10 bucks last time I went just to look at his art. He asked me to buy a piece that was really nice. But I got enough shit at the house. I can't, if I bring some home, my wife will kill me. Where do you get this from? Homeless dude.

No, no. No, no. Right there. Instead of making the straight to Lancashire. Right. You make it right down that Lizard Street. Yeah, exactly. And pull the car right over.

He's got like, he's homeless. He lives there. He's got like a little art exhibit. And, you know, looking at it from, I don't know, it just made me, I saw, he's black. And I saw nice white people talking to him. Like people walking past him with dogs stopping. I always take that route when I go to Brett's,

whether they go to Muay Thai. Oh, okay. You go that way. I got down that way and go down the side street. So I started seeing him and the other dad had time. So I actually pulled over and asked him a few questions. I mean, as much as, I mean, I don't know if I could survive. Like it shows you how strong some people can be.

Cause I don't, I'm not a suicide person. I don't think, but like to be able to survive being homeless is something that not everyone can do, I think. Well, it's like I told you, from 90, you know, 97 and a half to maybe 99, I was semi-homeless, especially out here. So what I would do is put myself on the road, which is still homeless. It still gives you that homeless effect. You know, on the road, you have those four nights that you work,

but you have three nights that are off. And you can't spend all the money you just made. Well, what do you think that money goes to? You can't stay, you know, so if you're in a one night or you have the first night, you stay in your car and you save the 40 bucks. So you're basically homeless. Then the second day you break down.

And I mean, if you could check on that two o'clock, you squeeze every hour of that hotel. Oh yeah, you're there at 1.55. You bring food upstairs with you. You don't leave that room. You just fucking bathe all day and clean your toes and, you know, you just mix it up, you learn how to mix it up. But I was physically homeless for a while

when I got hooked on drugs. And what am I mean? How physically homeless was I? Four or five days to stay outside, take a shower as a friend's house. Yeah, that's what I would check into a hotel for a week and then I would stay two days out. LA is LA is a different kind of homeless, though.

Well, I was never homeless like that. Yeah. The home. When you go down, listen, every city right now, every time I go to see, when I go to these cities, I look at a lot of things. I look at the construction in the city. I see how much construction there is going on

in this country right now. Construction is big, man. That means money? Yeah. Any city I go to, they're building buildings. So I see a lot of construction, but I also see a lot of homeless. You know, you don't know what homeless is.

Do you go to San Francisco? Oh, yeah. You don't know what homeless is. Do you go to Portland? You know, it's part of the culture. It's mixed with pills and heroin. It's just part of this culture. You know, there's still runaways.

There's all this stuff still exists. This will always exist, but the populations are getting bigger. The other factor to that is socioeconomic. Some of these rents are so high, you know, you have to, if I was young and single right now, I'd really consider investing in an RV.

It's like $20,000? Yeah, might as well. It's a couple years rent. Investing in an RV, finding an RV park, where you just pull up to an RV, park your thing. They have a laundry mat in there,

a breakfast place in there, a movie theater in there. They have them in select places. I think they have one in Malibu. You know? Really? Wow. Yeah. You know, I mean, it's,

but there's people out here who are just parking on the street. And there's a lot of, there's a comment, just with the other night, who lives in this car, and he just got totaled. So, like, they give him a rental,

but he has to live in the rental. It's a, there was a story that I saw that they're opening up parking lots in LA because there's so many people who are living in their car. So it's like a safe place. They can get a permit to park there.

It's a little safer than just parking on the street. I remember those days. I remember going in my car on Vista. Like, I would, it was like I would overstay my welcome at Josh Wolfs. I would overstay my welcome at Ralphies. And there were some nights where I was like,

you know what, I'm not in the mood to embarrass myself or anybody else. I'm just gonna sleep on my car. This is 20 years ago, 1998. Wow. And I would pull over on Vista. And I would go under a tree or something. And I would lock my doors

and open up the sunroof. And just make the driver's seat go all the way back. And I could figure out a way how I could lay on my side. Listen, it wasn't a silly post-apetic. But I could sleep. I mean, it was horrible. You got horrible sleep.

You sleep, I'd sleep three hours and then I'd move into the back seat. The back seat, I'd have to sleep on my back with my leg, with my knees up and my feet, you know. It was a Nissan or a Sentra or something like that. I think I'm short. That's a...

And did cops mess with you? Never. Never? Roof. Never. Not one time in a cop will open saying I'm not allowed to sleep in your car or why he's...

I still remember being a coach in horses and getting so coked up one night. And I had nowhere to go and I still remember right there being on Vista and it had to be 1130 at night people walking their dogs and I'm in my car with a blanket over me jerking off.

Fucking beard. You know how embarrassed Nutt is looking back at it now. Like with a blanket over me with the air conditioner on with the sunroof open. Oh, you do the AC on the whole night? Some nights.

Yeah, especially out here. Some nights. And when I first started doing comedy those triple runs. Oh my God. I was... I trained myself how to sleep. And you learn a lot.

Like you learn how to go to bus state while train... Truck stops. Truck stops. Like there's the ones that are lit and they pump gas there and you know, you can take a shower there

and buy food there. They have like a subway sandwich in there. Those are okay. It's the one that's like a park. Like a rest stop. And it says, enter here. Trucks go this way.

You go that way. Those are the ones that always worried me. But I slept in 20 or 30 of them. You get up in the morning, you brush your teeth, you put hot water on your face, you pee, you walk around, you know.

Well, we have a lot of truck drivers. I'm sure who listen to this. What about them? In those days I would drink a soda and have a bag of Cheetos for breakfast. Because that's what I could afford. There was no two eggs of bacon or continental breakfast, you know.

So many nights, I slept in a fucking rest area. And then there were nights when I would, I still remember one particular night, it was during the final four. Like during March Madness. Right, yeah. And I did something.

I did Boise, Idaho. Boise had a comedy club at the time. But they also had a one nighter on a Saturday night. So my plan was to in between shows as a feature act, go over and showcase at the Funny Bone in Boise.

So do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, so you can come back. So you would go up, I would go up, the headliner would do 45 and there's an hour. So I would have an hour and 45 minutes until the show started again. I would run over to the Boise Improv,

the Boise Funny Bone, and do a showcase of the way and then come back. But that night I had to do that. But I also had a problem. I had visitation that next Sunday at two o'clock in the morning. And it was a 12 hour drive from where I was to Boulder, Colorado.

I will never forget that night for as long as I live. And in those days, I wasn't doing coke on the road. I couldn't afford it. I would eat half a box of no-dose and just drink Mountain Dews. And I can't tell you how bad you feel. Like I can't tell you how bad you feel,

but I still remember that it would be snowing or like shitty weather. So I couldn't pull over and just turn the car off. It would be too cold, yeah. But I have to pull over and pull over with the heat. And I remember that particular night pulling over but not at a rest stop. Just pulling over the side of a road.

Holy shit. I'll never forget this. And letting the seat drop, turning my headlights off and just sleeping dozen off. And the car was on. And I'll never forget opening my eyes and popping up and thinking

that I had lost control of the car. Yeah, you fell asleep driving. And I fell asleep driving. Oh, fuck. Like I got to that point that you would fall asleep driving. The most I've done, I think, is like eight hours, 12 is a fucking long time.

When I was on the road as a driver, as a comic, I got so good and efficient at it because my plan was short and simple. I could do everything I wanted. Once the tank of gas was finished, I went tank to tank. There was no stopping in between tanks. I stopped when the tank was empty.

Because you had to get 12 hours in, yeah, that's fucked. I had to get eight hours, nine hours. It could be three hours. It could be six hours. It didn't matter. I'd get up in the morning. I'd get a good meal in me. You know, especially if I did a triple ride this time,

you got 20% off of breakfast. But you have to be careful. You can't have like pancakes because then you fall asleep when you're driving. No, no, no. I wouldn't eat pancakes anyway. I would just eat like a good hearty breakfast because you're living on the road.

You don't eat solid meals. Yeah, okay. You know, on those comedy roads at first, there was a week that I, oh, never forget this. I got no reason to lie to anybody. There was a week that I stayed in Saginaw, Michigan, that all I ate was two-for-a-dollar hot dogs from the supermarket and Subway veggie and cheese sandwich.

Like, I budgeted my money. Like, I knew I wasn't picking up money till Friday. And it was a Sunday. I had already bought Coke. I had enough weed to hold me off for a week. Now I had to make it on. And that's when you eat all the oranges and the apples in the lobby.

Oh, those oranges are good in those days. When you go downstairs in the middle of the night, you get like two apples, two oranges, and a bag of Doritos and vending for a dollar. It was that type of shit. Like those veggie and cheese sandwiches, I would buy a foot long and eat one for lunch and the other for breakfast.

And pray to God they would offer me food at the club for free. Did they ever offer you food? You took it and then they asked for money? Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Yeah, they'd give you a tab at the end of the night. And you, you know, it was like 50% off, you know. A lot of places fed you for free.

Especially like a burger or something. And some places were very nice. When a fucking comedy club gave you something to go, that saved you, but that was your breakfast. That was your breakfast. I don't give a fuck what it was. I don't care if it was chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, whatever they gave you.

That's why I went from being 240 to 400 pounds. I mean, when I got off the road, I was probably 320. I'm not going to blame it all on the road. But it was the beginning of a healthy diet going off the rails. Because you're not really exercising if you're just doing the gig, driving, eating. After a while, I brought a basketball and I had a Frisbee. How do you play Frisbee by yourself? You find other comedy in the other comic.

Oh, okay. So the other, you will always work for another comic. And for some reason in those days, the Red Roof Inns used to have a little basketball court. So when you worked for Tribble, you worked a lot of Red Roof Inns. So I would just take like jump shots and shit like that. Yeah, because otherwise you're just going to do nothing. Any of those things, listen, acting, you know, how do you feel if you're fighting in a UFC event and you're the co-main of it and you get there at seven o'clock?

That's three hours to kill. I can't imagine that. My anxiety. What would you do? I go to sleep, like get to the locker room. You fall asleep in the locker room? Yeah, like it's best. It was when I was at my best, fall asleep, good nap.

You know, just in the locker room. Yeah. On the mats. Exactly. While guys were around you warming up the little punches and shit. Yeah. You got headphones, just try to ignore them, you know. Because sometimes like if you're fighting internationally, don't you fight it like one in the morning sometimes?

Yeah. Super late, that's wild. One, two, yes. It is, it's, it would suck to fight it like two in the morning. Save to practice, I always notice that. I, because I used to hate when I was growing up, I used to hate when people would hand tests back in school. Because my, my name is Syed, I'm towards the end. I have to sit there waiting, wondering when I got on the test.

So I always think that during the fights. Like how on, like how Conor McGregor and Khabib felt. It's like a two, three, four hour experience. They're at, they always show them walking into the arena. I'm like that. I can't imagine falling asleep. That's wild. Like just being able to like calm yourself down.

But I guess that's why you're a fighter. I could never calm myself down enough to, to sleep. Do you have to like do like a, do you have like a workout to get yourself jazzed up? Because sometimes if I have a, like if I mess up and take a nap too soon before like a comedy show, I feel like I'm a little bit low energy on stage. I have to plan it out right and wake up early enough to really wake up before I can't wake up and go to an open mic. It's not going to go great. Yeah, it's.

I'll ask you again another time. Do you ever do that? Do you ever fuck up with your naps? I'm like, you're low energy. When I first started out in the triple run and stuff like that, I would nap in the afternoon and there was a couple of nights at the phone rang. And they were like, Hey, where are you? We're about to start the show. I was never, I drank Cuban coffee as a kid from time to time as a goof because of the sweetness of it. Yeah, it's all sugar.

But I didn't drink coffee till 1999. I still don't drink coffee. And I was whatever I was in 1999, 37 or whatever. Wow, really? You started that late? Yeah, I was never a coffee drinker. But you have to? You had to? You found like the caffeine? I found it to wake up, to drive in between drives. And then I fell in love with it with the smoking cigarettes and weed aspect of it.

Really? It's better? Oh, a cup of coffee with a joint. Stop it. Really? I'll have to try. But you drink it black. Did you drink it with milk and stuff? Black is beautiful. Black with that cancer sugar. Oh, you do put cancer sugar in there? For stevia? Whatever the fuck is it?

It's all cancer sugar. It's all going to kill you. It's going to rot something. So, you know, there's something that's going to get humiliated by that type of shit. Whether you're small in testing, you're big in testing, you're colon. It's going to affect something. It really does. Yeah, it has to. That's what they say. And then sugar is the alternative. For 2,000 years, everybody drank sugar like it was cocaine.

All of a sudden, now sugar is the fucking enemy, you know? And it's weird. I don't eat anything sweet at night, very seldom. I don't want that sugar in my bloodstream at night for me to flip on the diabetic side. So, I watch that a lot. You know, if I eat sugar, I'll try to eat it early so I could burn it throughout the day. That's smart. It's funny, we were talking about cereals before and we didn't know at the time, I mean, what you were really putting into your body at that age. Yeah, we're about when they used to show part of a complete breakfast and it's cereal with orange juice and toast with jelly on it.

You're like, that's all sugar, that whole thing. My mom would never, that's why I fell in love with it because my mom would, as a kid, you're like, oh, my mom always makes breakfast and never gets cereal. Looking back, I'm like, that's fucking pretty cool. But I wasn't allowed to have it. It was like an after-school snack. Cereal? Yeah, we would have like Cheerios or cake, like I still love cakes. I have cakes at the house right now.

We could only have like Fruit Loops or something like an after-school snack. It was never for breakfast. So, Fruit Loops with milk or Fruit Loops with plain? I'll do both, but I mean, I prefer it with milk. But think about it, we were allowed to sit in either half a box of fucking, I loved Cocoa Krispies. Oh, yeah. I will fuck anything that makes the milk chocolate. It was that or kind of chocolate.

But I don't know which one was, I think it was, I was a Cocoa Krispie guy. Because I could, my daughter eats Cocoa Krispies from time to time. And every once in a while, I'd get a small bone. Let them get a little soggy in here. Listen to them crack and you wait for them to get the perfect soggyness. I love all that shit. Shred it wheat. Shred it wheat. Shred it wheat.

My favorite, I like life. You guys, have you ever tried life? Oh, life is cinnamon life. That's bro. That's what I get all the time. Cinnamon life is fucking tremendous. You think it's healthy? Kind of healthy, but really not?

Yeah, no. It's not just... Whenever we get you, listen, as long as you're not fucking eating Frosted Flakes. Right. Like a box of Frosted Flakes. Bro, there was a time I could eat a box of Frosted Flakes. Oh, yeah. Without blinking an eye.

Yeah. With the same milk, you just pour a little bit more. Until the milk gets fucking... It's just sugar milk. Yeah. That's what happens is I'll get high and I won't want to go to the fridge to get more milk, but I bring the box because you have to take care of the rest of the milk and then I'll just start shoving drys here in my face because it's...

I'll wake up next to a pile of Honey Nut Cheerios. I used to take regular Rice Krispies with no sugar and put sweet and low on it. Like, that's what I would do to get a little sweeter. When you were a kid, did you ever like any healthy cereals at all? Healthy cereals. Like, how old were you the first time? No. You said, fuck it, I'm going to eat the Special K.

When I was a kid, if you hit me with Special K, I'd sue you. I fucking hated Special K. Really? Cheerios, the regular ones. Oh, I fucking hated it. I liked regular Cheerios. I liked everything with sugar in it. Oh, yeah.

And then once you go to prison, once you go to prison, you learn how to like Special K. What's the other one? There was another one that was... What's the American one? The box is yellow. The Wheaties. Wheaties, yeah, Wheaties. They have pops.

When I went to prison, there was one before I got locked up, Iron Man cereal. What? It was more like sweet. Oh, it was delicious. I used to mix that with Wheaties. I love mixing two brands. Oh, that's the fucking... That's when you know you're a Mac Daddy.

This is... There's part of... It's just a true story. One time I ran out of milk, so I had sugar-free pudding, and it was the same calories as a cup of milk. And I took kicks and chocolate pudding, and I mixed it together. That tastes... It's amazing. It's...

Really? There's nothing... I like putting cereal and ice cream. That works. But if you have pudding... Cereal and ice cream. Oh, yeah. How much of a fat fuck do you have to be to put cereal and ice cream?

Who doesn't? That'll work in Tom and Jerry's. Oh, everybody I talked to. In fact, I talked to a guy this morning that told me I just had a whole box of cereal with fucking ice cream. You don't do it every time, but if you have a pint, and then you're like, oh, shit, I have cereal. That's... Well, you weird shit when you're... I don't eat it when I'm sober or eating ice cream, like ice cream's enough.

But when you're stoned, you just start looking in the rest of the cabin and you're like, oh, this'll work. And I love... That's how you... You're being stoned. Wait, when you have the mentality of a fat fuck, which I had for years, you know, I still have the mentality. You never lose it. But when I first moved in with Terry, there was a point, I think in 2004, after I shot the longest yard was when I saw the films and I was like, wait a second, something's not right.

You know, I got to find the healthier alternative. At that time, I was eating four or five eggs, sunny-side up, half a loaf of fucking wonderbread butter on every inch until it dripped off your toast. And we make a whole package of Oscar Mayer bacon. So I came to a conclusion. I go, why don't we eat? And then I started eating the worst thing in the world. It was Hagen Daz frozen vanilla yogurt.

Have you ever tasted Hagen Daz frozen vanilla yogurt? No. Is it good? To come squirts out of your ass. Because them too, they have a heart in front of it and the whole thing. So for a month, me and my wife would split a container of Hagen Daz frozen yogurt with granola and strawberries and blueberry. Oh, in the morning?

In the mornings. Oh, my God. I'll never forget getting on a scale and gaining like 16 pounds and then she got on the scale. And we looked at each other. We're like, well, what's going on? Like, what is the meaning of this? How did all this happen? The calories and that frozen vanilla yogurt and granola is no granola.

There's no walk in the park. Eat. Yeah. They're banging out on granola. That's why I had to stay away from those Acai bowls. Those Acai bowls are like eating fucking, you know, it burns me up. I love when I see two medium chubby chicks with yoga pants walking like a half a mile. They get a Starbucks coffee.

They did so good by walking the mile to half a mile to Starbucks. But then they get one of those milkshake drinks. Frappuccinos or something? That fucks up the whole walk. Like, sometimes I look at those drinks and I can't believe like, I'm a fat fuck. Yeah. And I don't like those drinks. They give them to kids.

That's what I'm crazy about. Every six months, I'm not going to lie to you. I go to the coffee bean and I get their signature one. But it's like, guys, it's been maybe a year since I had it. You don't put like the chocolate syrup in it and stuff. No. This is the coffee with the ice cubes and the, they put espresso beans and they put Maricino cherries.

What? So when you're drinking the coffee, the espresso beans and the Maricino cherries get caught in the straw. Oh my goodness, whipped cream on top. I love whipped cream. And they put chocolate syrup and you mix the whipped cream with the coffee. I can't lie. You have those once a year.

Nice. Right there on Lancashire and Riverside, I think. No, Lancashire and right next to the gym, right? No. There's a coffee bean on Lancashire and. Oh, yeah. I know exactly what you're talking about. Right.

Yeah. There's like, it's a shitty road. It could be the hunger maybe. No, it's Riverside. It's Lancashire and right next to the, your favorite Zanku chicken and the McDonald's. Yeah. I know what you're talking about. Right, right, right.

Where's the McDonald's? Right across the street. Riverside and like other side of the street. You're right. Thank you. You're absolutely right. Trust me. I know where the, I know where the McDonald's are.

The Valley. Yeah, the 134. 134. Yeah, I can't lie. Nobody, I love those. And I was hooked on flat whites for a while. They're not that bad. If you look them up on Weight Watch, they're like three points.

What about hot chocolate? That'll kill you. Oh yeah, I like hot chocolate. Yeah, who doesn't like hot chocolate? Only communists don't like hot chocolate. We don't like fucking hot chocolate. But I would make it with water, but if you make it with milk, oh my God. I get those Hershey's and I get three or four packs.

Really? Oh yeah. Fuck you and your fucking, fuck you and your fucking. And where you at? Yeah, call me when you're outside. Don't be wasting my time. I'm done doing the podcast. You're going to show up with a kilo of Coke, show up with a kilo of Coke.

There's no, there's no code. Just call me and the gate will open up. All right, bye. What were we talking about? You would take it four packs of hot chocolate? Four packs of hot chocolate and get a little bigger cup and put half milk and half water and stir really good until it's really fucking thick. Like what's the Swiss mist comes with marshmallow?

Oh, the small ones. Fuck you and your marshmallows. I put my own marshmallow in it. Yeah, the small ones? They absorb it a little bit. Oh no, my God. I tell you what else is a great fucking cereal. What's the one with the little marshmallow?

Lucky Charms. Oh fuck. That motherfucker. Oh. That's the diabetic. That's the one. And now with Amazon, they're trying to kill you because they sell just bags of just the marshmallows. Yeah.

No cereal at all. Oh God. Yeah, they're trying to kill you. They don't fuck around. You can buy bags of just whatever color or starburst you like. Amazon's devil. They're evil. No, no, let's go back to the marshmallows and the jack in the box.

What's the name of the cup? What's the name of them? Lucky Charms. So I can just get the little purple hearts and all that shit. Yeah, just a big bag of marshmallows. Put them in milk. Yeah. I don't know your Cheerios.

If you like Cheerios better, I guess. Oh, I love cereal. The one thing I never got and I kind of want to try it now is like the generic cereal. I was lucky. We always got the name, but the big bags of like fruit circles or whatever. It's like the generic fruit loops. Why would you want to go backwards? Because you have a whole bag.

Because the Cheerios, that's something you don't realize as a kid. Cheerios is fucking expensive. It's like four or five bucks. Don't fart on me. Yeah, I see him opening his leg. I don't want to fart on you. I had one for you 20 minutes. Jake is here.

He's fucked up enough. Jake's tall is one of my farts now. He won't know what to do. Oh my God. It's dangerous living. Because I didn't grow up in a place where there was late night food. I couldn't go out. You grew up in fucking Boston.

No, but the suburbs. I'm 45 minutes from Boston. My town was so white they wouldn't allow fast food places. It was towns outside of it that you could go to. But there was nothing where they didn't allow drive-thrues. Was what? Were you in like a farm or something? Kind of close to it.

I mean not. My town was upper middle class. But like the other ones would close at like nine or ten. Fast food places brings on your property value. Yeah. So maybe they didn't want the fast food. Yeah, that's exactly what it was. Yeah, I think.

Or, but you said there was no drive-thrues. No drive-thrues. The Dunkin' Donuts didn't have a drive-thru. Oh, Dunkin' Donuts. That is something that I'll regret with my kids. Because I was talking with a comic whose dad owns like a chain, like a bunch of franchises. And my childhood is one regular glaze, one chocolate glaze, and a hot chocolate. Like my dad would bring my brother and I, or my mom would bring my brother and I.

And he'd sit there and there would be like 18 old guys in a corner talking because they go to Dunkin' Donuts every day. I love that. One chocolate glaze, one regular glaze. The problem is Dunkin' Donuts isn't Dunkin' Donuts. That's why, yeah, it doesn't taste the same. The Donuts are just God fucking awful. You know, when I work the stress factory, I fucking love it because I'm 30 feet from a Dunkin' Donuts. And I get the coffee and you first of all, you can't drink the coffee for 10 minutes because it's gold ring.

Like if you put your finger in the coffee, a bone will come out. Like it is the hottest coffee that they sell. So I will stand outside in the cold weather with the coffee and not to cool the coffee down. You have to pour a little bit down and take the lid off it. If not, that coffee never cools down. But the donut is God damn awful. And I'm a fat fuck. They're God damn awful.

God damn awful. Yum Yum Donuts is way better. Yum Yum's is way better. Look at right there. Donut place in Burbank on Magnolia where we used to go. You have to go early because they got a blueberry filled donut. It was fucking phenomenal. You know, at this age, listen, I drink water, Jake, and I gain weight.

At 56, my metabolism is so fucking horrible that I have to stay away from all that shit. Like, I'm stuck. I've been stuck on my weight watchers' weight for fucking months. I don't know if it's the weights lifting the heavy weights, but... Well, you're working on a lot. You're looking skinnier. It's really weird. I'm looking thinner, but I'm not dropping the weight.

I'm burning the fat and throwing the punches and the kicks. The lifting has really helped. But my metabolism is shit. Even with the Muay Thai conditioning and the ropes and the whole thing. Did you have metabolism when you were younger? Jesus Christ. I never had it. No, I rode a bike.

You know, you do so much that you keep it at such a high level. And that's why people get fat because they slow down. They continue to eat the shit they were eating before. And all of a sudden, it's like you're 100 pounds overweight. You can't figure out what happened. Yeah, happens quickly. Your lifestyle changed. You know, I saw it early on when my mom sold the bar.

When she lost the bar, the weight gain after a year was amazing. Yeah, because she used to be on her feet all day walking around. Walking around, walking steps, carrying ice, talking to people. It's a big lifestyle change. That's scary how quickly you can gain weight. Have you always been in shape, Jake? No. No, really?

No, I was younger. I mean, I was active. In between fights, you let yourself go? Not really. I mean, you know, you eat a lot more freely, but I wouldn't just say let go of anything. You're still eating healthy? Yeah. But maybe you have some bread or some pasta every once in a while?

Yeah, exactly. If you eat two pieces of, if you have two eggs and you scramble them and you put ketchup on them, and you eat two pieces of white bread, it's not the end of the world, guys. It's the seven pieces of white bread in a day that kill you. That's true, but especially with Dean, it shows me how much, even like if you can cut it completely out, how much it helps, because Dean's skinny now, and he just doesn't have bread. He has brown rice every once in a while. Dean got scared.

Dean got diagnosed with diabetes, and Dean had to make up a decision. And Dean knew that he's a candy guy. Dean will tell you he loves candy. Oh, yeah? What's better than candy? So he had to eliminate sugar from his, but you know what? Man, people are finding out great things about eliminating sugar from their diets. Yeah.

Listen, don't get me wrong. In one form or another, there's sugar in everything, especially when you eat out of the house. I know one of the most sugary things is ketchup, isn't it? Oh, yeah. To make a question, tomatoes doesn't taste like that. There's that. Even Brent was telling me he'll go to Thai places or Chinese places and make the food, but don't put sugar in the sauce.

If you get Kung Pao or stuff like that, they just put sugar straight in the sauce. And we made jokes like they put heart stuff on the boxes, but you grow up thinking fruit's okay, and then you tell me, like, oh, no, it's really not okay. Like, oh, you can't really eat an orange. You can. It's better than maybe a candy bar, but not really. You could eat 2,000 oranges. You could eat 2,000 bananas.

You could eat 3,000 apples. They're great for you. The confusion that people have is when they drink smoothies and acai bowls. And again, I didn't notice that you have a saliva that when you eat a fruit, that saliva converts that sugar before it hits your system. But when you blend the fruit, it overpasses that saliva. So when you eat an acai bowl, even though they blend the bananas and guji berries and blueberries and all these fruits, they're usually great for you

and they're high in antioxidants and all this shit. Once you put it together, you have a big result of sugar. Yeah, like, what about that place on Hollywood with the juice and the sandwiches? Like, the one I used to get was like orange honey. It was like oranges and honey and cream. It's delicious, but that must be terrible for you. I used to have two of those a day. When I got up to 418 pounds, if I really looked back and looked at the path to it,

I would go to that place and have one juice there, take two home and one for my wife. Take two home for yourself? Yeah, and lie to her about the one I had there. Not lie, but I wouldn't mention it. Like I'd say, I didn't have anything there. I just wouldn't really mention it. I went from working out a lot, Lee, up to 1995 to doing nothing. And then when I moved to, at least in Seattle, I was semi-active.

Once I moved to LA, my only priority was comedy. And I ate freely and I ate very, you know, I ate a poor man's lunch. I used to go to Wendy's on Sunset and get to Wendy, Jr. They had them for $0.99. When you're a comic and you got three bucks, are you fucking kidding me? Three of those, what's the big, what's Wendy's burger? Yeah, I have junior bacon, it's just a junior, cheeseburger on. Junior, whatever they had, whatever it was, junior, they had a value menu of a dollar.

You know, I always walked a lunch special, $5.45. You still know the price? At least, you know, for fucking shrimp and lobster sauce, shrimp right out of somebody's fucking pond at the house. It was a sea monkey that became a shrimp. And they give you an egg roll, a bowl of soup, a small salad, a cup of white rice, or fried rice in an entree. And then a cup of ice cream, or fortunately, for dessert.

When you're a broke comic, that's what you're going to eat. You're not going to eat great food. Right. I would go to Pollo Local on La Brea and Sunset every other day and eat that fucking communist chicken. Those are chickens that have been beaten and abused. And often they were taken from their mothers. Those poor chickens are horrible at Pollo Local.

You think they're beaten up for a fact? They're chickens that nobody else qualms. You're probably right to upsetting the thing. Because I like it when you look at the screen. I don't know how they rate chickens. It's not A, you know what I mean? I guarantee Pollo Local's chickens. When you go to those chicken places,

you have to take all the meat off and look at the bone. That's when you see the abuse. Once you bite into it, like when you go to Popeye's chickens, those chickens have been physically abused, psychologically abused. You could tell by the inside. I had no idea. When I was at Popeye's chicken walking distance from the house, I applauded you on the control.

I'm not going to say I've never been there, but I get like the strips. I don't get like a whole big... If I wake up and smell that shit early in the morning, I'm done. It's just a countdown to when... As soon as I wake up, it's just a countdown to when they start frying chicken at 10 o'clock over there. The one that gets me is because I have an elevator in my building.

I hate it when one of my neighbors gets pizza delivered or has Chinese food and you can get in the elevator and you smell it. That's when I go crazy. What's it make you go crazy for? Whatever they... If I'm in the elevator with like a Pizza Hut guy, I have to like control myself and be like, not go get Pizza Hut or run down.

That's disgusting. When I see a Pizza Hut guy pray for his soul and whoever he's going to deliver it to, that's what I fucking do. Jake, Ellen Berger, check it in with you. What's going on, buddy? How you feeling, my man? Yeah, mom.

I'm good. You're halfway there? You just think I'm going to stop at all these places you're mentioning on the way home and make a Pizza Hut chicken. They do... There's a thing that's messed up because it's getting kind of weird. We talked about all the disgusting things I like, but now, especially on Instagram, they have really terrible things.

They have something called the Philly Taco, where they get a big cheese pizza slice and a cheese steak and they roll the cheese steak up in the pizza and you're supposed to eat it at once. That's too much. I don't find the necessity. Yeah. I don't find the necessity.

And again, I'm a fat fuck. Yeah, exactly. I don't find... I enjoy the slice of cheese pizza by itself. What is the point of putting the fucking... Cheese steak. You know, it's funny. The other night, I drove in Hollywood and I went to Long Rout

and I realized that that place was closed. I don't know if it was closed that night. Fat sales? Yeah. It says it open. The reason why I'm laughing is I saw on Facebook that they're running a deal now, so that maybe they aren't doing too well

just for the price of one. Because that's... I love mozzarella sticks, but I don't want to put it in the sandwich. I'll get a side of mozzarella sticks, but I don't need it in the sandwich. Last time I had a mozzarella stick. Oh, so good.

I had a fucking hat with a propeller on. Oh, I had them like a week ago. Like, how old are you to eat a mozzarella stick? These places have like one item minimum and I don't really drink, so they said the mozzarella sticks were good. That Robin Hood place. Oh, no, you didn't.

Oh, yeah. It was good. What are you... Marinara. Oh, Jesus Christ. What's wrong with that? I saw something. I saw you were a marinara.

Well, it's tomato, whatever. It's fish juice, you know. It's good. I saw a comic dip in Ranch Month. I just... Every time I see Ranch now, I just think of you. Yeah.

I wonder what happened. But then I... It was funny. I did something I never, ever do and I gave the waitress my number. She didn't call, but I saw her in there the whole night and then as soon as I gave her my number,

she never came in again. I realized me probably eating mozzarella sticks probably isn't the most inviting site, but... No, you're giving her a number. Wasn't the most inviting site. Well, yeah, obviously. That's what I'm saying. I'm fucking giving her a number

for who the fuck are you? I don't know. Fucking... What would you say that would give her a number? What do you mean? What did you say to her? I said,

I think you're cute if you want to get a drink. Here's my number. She ain't gonna call. You gotta ask her for her number. It was during the show. I was trying to be... I'm also kind of a pussy. She took that number and threw it away.

Probably, yeah. Let me get your digits. Let me take you out to invite you to a beautiful evening of dinner and a comedy show afterward. Yeah, that would have been smarter. That's a smart thing. Now she got, you know,

who the fuck do you think... But then again, going up in an open mic doesn't make it look like I'm that funny. Well, no, it doesn't make a difference. Well, at least you got a heart and balls. She sees you for where you are. Yeah.

You got some fucking smoke at least you're getting on stage. Some women just watching you on stage turns them on. Yeah, that is pretty cool. I bet you used to get a lot of fan mail from dirty women. Yeah.

I would say we love when you walk up with your type of shorts on. Well, look at him. He takes his shirt off and they love it. They cheer for him. You don't need to take a shirt off. He's got style, class,

minky, and gotica personality. You know what I'm saying? But he has the muscles that you can see through the shirt. That's when you know you're in good shape. He's got the main muscle. You think of that. You think if he had milk shaky,

he'd be calling her up to him like, can't meet until I have to get done with it. Fuck no, he's playing dick. There's only so many that you can slug dick. How long have you been with your wife for? Been together about five years. All together. Yeah.

And how long did it take you to marry her? Mmm. What kind of like right now we're in the process, so. I'm getting married. Yeah, yeah, like going through the wedding and all. Are you really going to do a big thing? I don't know.

No, you already had two kids. Let's go down to justice of the peace. I'm saving 10 G's here. I'm going to walk around and you with a white dress on. She's like, let's go. You already spent two kids out. Who are you kidding? Who are you kidding?

You already had two kids on. We're going to the courthouse when I'm timing for a big wedding. No, once you spit a kid out, why are we lying to these four people? Is there a toaster out of them? I need a toaster. I want a black dick up my ass.

I can use a toaster. You don't like cheese toast? Not really. I just like regular toast and you pop it in. Nice little cheese toast. And you eat a piece of egg with that. Put some pepperoni on it. You happy, Jake?

Yeah. Do you miss fighting? What do you want to do, bro? Are you in limbo right now? In more ways than limbo. I don't know, man. I don't know. I mean, Jake, 31 and 15, 16, 14.

That's 44 fucking fights, Jake. That's a lot of fights. You're still alert. God bless you. Yeah, thank you. Until you came in here. You were there into this house. I got the weed that gives you PTSD.

God damn. This shit. I'm telling you, you smoked it. All of a sudden you look like chuckled out. You mean CTE? CTE or PTSD, both of them? Beep the fucking thing, man. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Microphones picked it up. I think it opened, hopefully. I hope so. 41 fights or whatever the fuck told them, right? 31 and 15? Yeah. 46 fights all of them. When did you start?

2005. 13 years. Long time. See, I always had you down for college collegiate wrestler. I did not know to the podcast. So you took wrestling up at the age of 20. So you took a wrestling at the same time you were starting. Basically, yeah.

I just started training. Yeah. We all haven't so fast. Even with competing, you'd be like when a fight, opportunity, opportunity, opportunity. 15 years later, you know, it's... What was your first competition? Jiu-Jitsu? Boxing?

Yeah, I think Jiu-Jitsu. And how did you do? Yeah, I did good. I did great. But I was always, I don't know how much time I want to spend when I was wanting to, you know, MMA. It was always about MMA. So I don't know...

What made you jump into MMA? Fuck. That's a deep question. Did you have options where you called, or you called it educated? Do you ever agree? Yeah. I went ahead of options, but it was like... It was the most fitting, you know.

So it's... Well, I mean, what... I always thought about... Because when you talked about what it thinks to bomb, it thinks to get punched in the face. How great is it when you knock somebody out? Like that feeling, there must be nothing like that. When you knock somebody out, that has to be pretty fucking badass. He's still going to the cage.

I've never knocked anybody out. You know, I got the shit that fucking... They gave the push on the last day. I don't fuck. Kate Quigley's in the studio, by the way, ladies and gentlemen, she was in town doing the house right there. So she decided to stop and say hello and just look good over there in the corner and shit. The place smells like fruit now.

I don't know what she's wearing. Make a J. Kalenberger feel a lot more warm. Yeah. J's going through changes and shit. I don't want all the disciplines. What's your favorite? Do you want me to talk about Lee? No, I'm talking about you.

I'm my discipline. I go between video game watching and TV watching. Do you really enjoy the ability to box? Do you really enjoy the wrestling aspect? I mean, you've had KO's. You've had submissions. You've won by split decisions. I mean, you're like, yeah, I don't remember that one fucking thing.

Well, I remember shouting with some bitches in 84 and next, you know, I'm in fucking Vegas having coffee with Dana White for lunch. I thought it's going to be all right. I just took you. I thought that you lived down in Orange County from time to time. You go out in the balcony in between. People give me shit. Yeah, you take him.

He has like a vape pen, probably a little pen. You have a vape pen? I hit it. You what? Well, I said, I don't fucking got the hell. I'm telling you, this week is too much. This is what they give some people just to shut them up sometimes. Lee, you're trying to communicate to me through Lee.

We can't help it. I don't know. No, because I've been there. Lee's like the medium. Lee's like the THC media. He'll do that to me sometimes. Like, he did it to me earlier. If I start getting too talking, if I start asking him questions, he'll just pass joints.

I love when someone comes into like a green room or an office and starts asking you questions and out of nowhere, you have an edible. You have a joint. You just like smoke this and it just shuts people off. It slows them down. My job is to slow you down. Whatever's going on in your day, whatever you walked into that threshold thinking, that's what a host's job is to do.

If you really think about it, think about what? A good you. Anybody here watch Molly's game? No. No, you're too busy. It's about a chick who's a skier in the Olympics and she breaks her fucking legs and she moves to LA to be a model, but she gets a job working for a guy that runs poker games at night. And she's real personable and whatever.

You know, when you come on the podcast, I can't stand going on a podcast and everybody straight up wants to be a gangster. If shooting heroin makes you a better guest, I want you to shoot out. I'm not going to judge. That's not a popular opinion. I've never heard that before. There's something there for you. Oh yeah?

There's always something there for you. No, I'm going to offer you Kool-Aid. You can't quit it. Yeah. There's tequila, there's something, club soda, there's something. You want to vodka and loosen me up or you're loose? I'm good, yeah. All right, yeah.

He's as loose as a guts. He's loosey-goosey and shit like that. I'm just happy that it's so weird that I've known you for a long time, 10 years. I know it. And you've always been a fan of comedy. Why? It's kind of like training, just an escape. It's another world.

I've always enjoyed comedy though. How long have you been into comedy for? Probably since high school, but when I started meeting comics and just going to live events, that's when I was really more of a fan from live. Did you go to the funny bone lot growing up or no? Yeah, once in a while. Not like it is out here though, being so close. What's the closest club to the house?

Oh, sure. We got one like two blocks away. Which one? Can I imagine? I don't know. Well, it's closed now, but I don't remember what it's called. It was always, it was in the 90s, I think it closed down, like mid-90s. But where do you live close to now?

Do you live close to the Irvine improv? Oh, yeah, where I'm at now, yeah, Irvine for sure. Have you been to the, there's a place called the rec room near you, that could be pretty fun. So do you, like when you're doing a training camp, do you like every week or so, every couple of weeks you go see, do something, go see a movie, just like your mind relax every once in a while? Yeah, definitely. Because yeah, if you're focused on that for all day, every day, you're going to lose your mind.

So probably the reason you fight, I mean, not that you fight, not that you fight, you do jiu-jitsu and you do muay thai. I like, Friday and Saturdays, I like working out, going to the room, having like a protein shake. One of those ones that you get at a 7-Eleven or a health food store. And I like watching something on Netflix. Something completely different of what I'm going to talk about, do or anything. Just to really get my mind off what's in front of me. The next step from there, my clothes already laid out for the night.

It's just taking a shower, coming out, getting dressed, going over my notes one more time, and then leaving. That's the way I do it now, to really try to help me at life. That's why I like sitcoms, because I'm not going to pay, I don't need to pay attention to them. That's why I haven't watched snorkels yet. Because it's in Spanish and I have to really pay attention. I just turn something on and I'll play on my computer, do stuff on my phone if I have to, or if I'm eating lunch. But I don't have, when I grew up I loved TV, I would have TV on constantly.

I used to love TV. Now I barely have it on. I watch one or two episodes a day of something, just when I'm eating, or if I have ten seconds. But I love sitcoms, old sitcoms. I have to watch San Frans, and I think that's the next one when I start, because I just finished one. It's great to watch, especially in the field that you're getting into. It's great when we watch old television, so you can see the contrast and the change over the years. Camera angles, and once you start acting, you start thinking about that shit.

You're not up to that level yet, but it's good to watch movies. I'm not a fan of the movie. I'm not a fan of all that shit, because eventually you're going to do one, you know what I'm saying? Did you think you were going to act when you first started comedy? Because right now, did you think you were going to act? No. Because me, I have no plan other than maybe trying commercials. No, I didn't even know commercials existed.

When they approached me at the improv, I didn't know what they were talking about. You're like, I'm barely doing it. If you want to do commercials, I'm like, what are you talking about? And they're like, come meet us at the office. I asked my friends, and they go, yeah, all those commercials you see on TV, what do you think they shoot them? I go, I don't fucking know. They were all like this. You go down there.

So I went down to the sun and bought them an Ari. That's a good one. That's what I heard. This is 20 years ago. They were one of the best. And they asked me if I wanted a sign. And the first commercial I went on was a church's fried chicken commercial. On Sunset, two blocks away from Fairfax, heading east on the corner.

That was a commercial spot. It's amazing how this town is set up. It's set up for this, but today I went and got envelopes. And the envelope was $1.50 each. The one that you put your headshot in and there's an open window so they can see the headshot. So it's not just a regular yellow envelope. They just want to send a regular yellow envelope. They said, I want to look that.

Forget them. They don't book. I'm telling you how to book. Oh, OK. Because once they see it. I got like 50 of them, so I never have to go back down there. They see that it's an envelope with your headshot in it. They know it's in it.

I want them to look at it to think they're getting divorced proceeding. I heard they were never even open it. That's what I heard. Dog. They open them. OK. This is why the guy already made a mistake when he told you to mail them in. Oh, I'm definitely going to drop them off.

But because when you mail them in, it's you and 20 other people. When you're trying to get an agent of any stature, right? You're trying to do what the other guy isn't. Exactly. No, absolutely. If I'm getting an envelope with your headshot already in it, I know what you want. It's the holidays. I don't want to look at it.

I want an envelope to not be yellow. I want it to be white. I want it to stick out. Everybody's dropping off an envelope with a Manila envelope. I want your envelope to be red. I want your envelope to stick out in that bunch. This is from A to Z. This is a psychological move from A to Z.

If not, you're doing what everybody else is doing. And your rate of success is just as high as everybody else's failing. I'm not getting an agent. There's people who will sit here for 10 years and tell you they can't get an agent. I used to get an agent a day, every day. I'd start with a call, go up there, drop it off personally. I don't give a fuck what you tell me. There's a guy by Laurel Canyon across from Gelson's.

There's a little building over there. In that building, there's four or five little agents. There's an old man over there that in his thing, he says, please no soliciting. Don't drop off package. You know how many fucking times I dropped off? I knocked on that punk ass's wall on his door. Really? And then there's House of Pies.

And then if you go down more, there's a building there that looks like a regular building, like doctor's office. They cast three shows out of there. Really? I've cast a mentalist out of there. I think it's like a SAG afterbuilding, isn't it? Yeah. So you go in there, you go to the second floor, it's casting people.

You drop off your fucking headshots. Okay. That's the hustle in this town that these motherfuckers don't know. Because that assistant might be a podcast listener. And he's going to run back there and go, guess who's here? Lisa Yat to find you. And the casting director's going to go, what? Who is that?

You got to see him. He's a fucking, he hangs up with Joe Diaz and Kate Quigley and Jake Ellenberger when he's not high. He's funny. No, yeah. Someone recognized me when I got the envelopes today. Don't fuck with me. I know how to do this from A to Z.

You hear wet hands. Who's the hardest company to get with? Three yards. Oh. Okay. Ricky Cruz came up to me and he goes, I'm going to go mail a bunch of things. I go, don't. I go, if I look like you, I would not mail a thing.

Walk in there. Put on your prettiest shit and walk in there. You know that motherfucker came to me three days later and said three yards signed them because the chick was cute at the reception desk and she was young and Ricky was young and she went right back there and she goes, you got to see this hot guy. So you always drop your shit off. That's why I got the mail. I love you people at home looking for jobs.

When it says to mail your resume in, you don't have a job. You don't have a job. You might as well walk it in and let them see your shoes, how they shine and let them see your shirt, how it's iron and let them see your hair. That's the higher rate of getting things. That's why I'd never believed in none of those casting workshops or anything because they do everything the white way. When you get breakdowns, breakdowns or what comes out every day and it tells you what

movies they're shooting. When you get breakdowns, the first thing it says under the title and the casting director's name is no phone calls. That's the first thing I'm going to do because you're not playing by the rules. You're trying to feed your fucking family. Yeah. It's interesting. If your head shots look like everybody else's head shots, I'm not going to open them.

Every fucking agent every day comes upstairs with a bucket of fucking envelopes. I'm sure you absolutely. And they're all in mineral envelopes. So what do you have to do? Send a pink envelope. Smart. That's the next one I'll get if I run out of these envelopes. Not when you run out.

You're not going to waste your time. I have the way they're white. They're not mineral. They're white with a clear front, but maybe you're right. I'm going to walk it in. I don't want people seeing no. I want them to see it's a mystery. What's in there?

Okay. You don't want me to do both and see if they. You got to give me a mystery. Why am I going to open up that envelope? I get 50 fucking envelopes a day. What can I put on it? What can I write on it? What can I do to make this envelope stick out?

And we're not talking about acting here. We're talking about generalities, even if you're looking for a job. I don't give a fuck if they tell you to mail it in. You're always going to walk it in. And then that may be wrong. You might get in the doors locked and there's no receptions. You put it under the fucking door, let them step on it. I don't give a fuck.

If you're looking for a fucking job. Listen, do you know how I got my agents and managers in Hollywood? I would find out where the agencies were that I wanted to be at. And I would go to happy hour, like right when the agencies would let out work. Fuck taking, like you can take an envelope there, but hang out where they hang out. And I would just talk to people and get to know people. And I would never ask anyone to rep me just slowly over time. I'd mention what I do.

Network. That's the secret. That's smart too. I also don't look like you, but it wasn't. I wasn't Jake Ellenberger. He didn't throw his voice. That was quick. Before you people go and fuck Jake and throw his voice when that weed is good.

I'm not going to put you through this anguish anymore. I'm going to let you sit down. It was a bad night. We're going to have you back next month and not let you smoke pot no more. This one hit home. I could see you were getting flashbacks of wrestling and all that shit. But it was just great seeing you. I'm happy you came out to the shows and never vine and said hello.

Oh, thank you. I've always been a fan of your inside and outside the ring. Me, I don't want to see you fight no more. You got a wife and a kid. I don't want to see you counting fingers and shit like that. I know. So we got to figure out. You showed up today with a line of great stuff, whether they're massage balls.

You once gave me a foam roller that was vibrating that I still use from today. So the quality was good. That was probably three years ago. We met at the back of the Denny's like a drug deal. And you gave me that one of the balls which my wife uses. I'm more of a roller guy. What's the website they can go to? Hyperice.

Hyperice.com. Hyper. Hyperice. Hyperice, I see. Yeah, I see. Hyperice.com. Do me a favor. If you're any type of, whatever you do, whatever you're doing to get exercise.

And I like Kate. That's for Kate. This one here because it's a, it's a hypervolt vibration massage device. And I know Kate likes when the guy holds it himself. So he can hold it with his right hand and put his cock in your mouth with his left hand. Bro, that's how you do it. And he classy guy knows you hold the vibrator and control it. And he classy guy knows.

And we have, see, because they'll do it to their speed. You got that machine gun vibrate a hand and then you put the cock in it. But this, this is brilliant. I'm shooting her in the pussy. So everybody's getting turned down in the room. Kate thinks I'm shooting her in the pussy. I think I'm shooting her in the pussy. But in reality, I'm beating the fuck out of a clip.

I'm taking it. I'm pounding it down into something. Ground and pound. It's like the Pizza Hut people. They're fixing sidewalks and roadways. Dominoes, yeah. Dominoes. We're doing the same thing here.

They're fixing clips. So they go to hypervolt.com. Hyperice. Hypervolt. This is called the hypervolt. All right. It's featuring quiet glide technology. So I don't know.

Is it hypervolt or hyperice? Yeah. Hyperice, the company. Yeah. Right. Hyperice.com. They have the hypervolt. Hyperice.com.

I don't trust shit. He's making up my website. He's making up my website. The fucking website. That's funny. And I believe him. No, I really enjoy that phone roller, guys. If you're a little old, you know, your recovery is very hard.

I roll the back of my legs. I roll each side of my back. Never roll on the spine. Yeah, he's right. They're having a holiday sale. They'll give you a free case. And they have free shipping over $75. And right now I see Kate's new vibrating and jumping up and down.

In fact, we were high at Kate for a spokesman. But Kate, like, with a construction helmet on and goggles. You don't have me come over and drill with that fucking thing until something busts. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it'll be on Pornhub. Let me tell you something. If you have sex and you don't wear goggles, you're not living. Last time I had sex with a stranger, I wore goggles that was sperm everywhere.

I thought it reached the eyeballs. No, it's not going to hit me like viseen. I'm a soldier at that. My brother Jake, I wish you and your family a beautiful happy holiday. Thank you. I'm happy you came up here. It was just good seeing you. You're a good, good guy.

And I appreciate that. Whatever you decide to do, I love you no matter what. I'm a fan of the juggernaut. Thank you, Joey. But I appreciate it. You have a family now and a wife and children and you want to be able to communicate with them. You don't want to sit in a couch 20 years from now. Swat and Leeds flies in his neck.

There hasn't been a flying month and you know. I saw a fly two weeks ago. You didn't see nothing. I swear to God, last week we're sitting here. No, you didn't. It's an awesome piece. We were talking. He opens up his backpack and out flies a fly.

That was in his backpack. No, he's lying. There's no fault. He's like Ben. Remember Ben? He's had mice. You know, Willard. You ever see the movie Willard?

No, you're too young for this shit. Anyway, I'm at the Templar Arena. It's probably sold out. Brewing company? The Templar Arena. In my mind, it's an arena. In your mind, it's a brewing company. In my mind.

Well, they're going to Google Arena. In my mind, I'm performing in front of 30,000 people. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, move a CK before he took his dick out. I'm living large, bitches. I'm at the Templar Arena Wednesday night, the Templar Brewing Company. And then nothing until December 27th or 29th. I'm at Levy Live in Oxnard.

I hope to see all you motherfuckers out there. But my man, Jake, always a pleasure. I'll invite you for those shows also. And no more marijuana. That's it. I made a mistake tonight. Will the real Jake Allen Burgess please stand up? And nobody stands up in the room.

There ain't no Jake Allen Burgess, nobody. I haven't seen him. You must be looking for my twin fucking brother. You have a twin brother, right? Yeah. Right. What's your name? Joe.

Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe.

Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe.

Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe.

Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe.

Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. ugly for showing up with her tight pants and little fucking ferries with boots, boots.

And I can see through those pants, she's got a thong on that's burning. You know what I'm saying? The bottom of it is nice and stiff. You ever take a thong off and it's nice and stiff like that? Anyway. It's crusty? Yeah. Yeah.

I like when the middle is crusty. That means she's got character, you know what I'm saying? All right. My man, Jake Ellenberger, who was fucked up to the gills, forgive us tonight this weed. I got it. 32 percent. It's killing motherfuckers. I'm surprised the poor bastard walked out of here, but I love him with all my heart.

He's a good man. He's retired whatever he's doing. He's got our blessing come back whenever the fuck he wants. I want to thank the fucking Christ killer over here. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys and don't forget 23andme.com. That's the way to go. It's the easiest Christmas present you're going to get for anybody. People love that stuff.

And today, from today on, December 6th to the 25th, 23andme DNA kits are on sale. 23andme helps you understand what your DNA can tell you about you and your family's story. It's named for the 23 pairs of chromosomes that make up our DNA. Now it's easier to do. You simply split into two, provided in your 23andme kit, register your sample to your personal account, and 23andme in a few weeks you'll receive a personalized online report. For me, it was nice and easy. I found that I'm from the tip of Spain.

I got people from West Africa. I'm American Indian. I'm a little Chinese and I got a little Russian Jew in me. It was all very interesting, you understand me? And they show you health stuff. You learn how your genes play a role in your well-being, your lifestyle choices, your muscle composition, your sleep movement, your arms and legs twitched while you're sleeping with 23andme sleep movement report.

Listen, it doesn't stop the cilantro taste aversion. Many people just like cilantro describing the taste of soapy. Do you have the genetic markers associated with the aversion? I mean, this is how deep 23andme, it's a phenomenal service. And as a present, they're going to love it. So do me a favor. And today to December 25th, you get 30% off any 23andme kit or to your 23andmekit.com slash church.

That's your kit right now today, 30% off. That's the number 23andme.com slash church. Again, that's 23andme.com slash church. You'll be supporting us and you'll be getting somebody a tremendous Christmas present. That's it. It's easy. Get three or four of them. What are you kidding?

You give them out like handshakes. Go to 23andme.com slash church. Get 30% off your DNA kit. All right. Number two, you know, I talk to you people. I talk to you people from the heart. I don't need to say some things you don't need to sell. And that's an asshole wash and clean a portable bidet.

And that's where Hello Tushy comes in. Why have I been with them for three, four years? Because I love them to fucking death. If it holds my asking, you imagine when it does see a nice skinny ass. Now you want to keep it nice. You want to keep the muffler clean. Say, I got a little loofah. I like keeping my asshole clean.

Even though I don't go down that street, you always want to keep your asshole clean. And listen, Hello Tushy provides that service fee with a portable bidet. You could pick all the prices started at $69 with a 60 day money back guarantee, which listen, there is tough as fucking nails. Okay. What you do is you take 15 minutes to install. You don't need a plumber. I could do it.

Lee taught me how to do it over the fucking phone. You could even get hot water settings. Me. Can you imagine reading the paper with Luke one water hitting your ass? So what the fuck are you going? Where the fuck are you going? Go to Hello Tushy dot com. Take a look at what they got again.

Another Christmas present. That's easy. They started $69. You show up with that for Grandpa. Who's going to leave you more money at the will? Nobody takes care of you like Uncle Joey. Go to Hello Tushy dot com. Again, I want to thank all the guests this week.

Who were they? Jake and my man. Who is Monday? Somebody. Oh, fucking Ricky Rocket came in. Nice. Nice guy. Listen to both podcasts.

I want to thank them. I want to thank 23 and me. I want to thank fucking quip. I want to thank Tushy. I want to thank Fuji sports dot com. Anybody was in our corner. You know, we got you too. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys that listen because your family

with the church family here. So do me a favor. Enjoy your weekend and we'll be back Monday morning. Tip top Magoo ready to rock. All right. Don't forget October 27th to the 29th. I'm at Liberty live December. I'm at Liberty live up there in Oxnard, California.

If you're not doing nothing up to Christmas, come on up. Let's smoke a fucking number and have a good time. All right. Beside that, I'll see you this weekend at the lawyer commie store. If not, I'll see you next Wednesday at the 10 blower up there in beautiful fucking Bakersfield. Have a great weekend. Be safe.

Uncle Joey loves you. Stay black. Check this fucking meal leak. So you can't see the teeth. So you can't see the. Given. Love and pain become one in the same. In the eyes of a wounded child.

Because hell. Hell's for children. And you know that little life becomes such a mess. Hell. Hell's for children. And you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your balls and your flesh. Hell's for children. It's also confusing this brutal abusing.

They blacken your eyes and then apologize. Because the girl don't tell me a thing. You get little boy and you get a new toy. So grab all you fell off the swing. Because hell. Hell's for children. And you know that little life becomes such a mess. Hell.

Hell's for children. And you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your balls and your flesh. Hell's for children. Hell. Hell's for hell. Hell's for hell. Hell's for children. Hell.

Hell's for hell. Hell's for hell. Hell's for children. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Come here, hands behind, come here, hands above, hands below, hands behind, hands above, hands by children, hands by children! You're the one who has a junior You're the one who has a junior