Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #643 - Whitney Cummings

Episode Date: December 13, 2018

Whitney Cummings, a stand up comedian, author, and creator of television shows such as "2 Broke Girls" and "Whitney, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Quip - Go to getquip.com/joey and try their dentist designed electric toothbrush. When you go to getquip.com/joey you get your first refill pack FREE with a quip electric tooth brush.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/muffler for 15% off of your portable bidet order.   Robinhood App - an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETF's, options and cryptos - all commission free. Go to church.robinhood.com to get a free stock like Apple, Ford or Sprint.     Recorded live on 12/11/2018.
  

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slash Joey number two listen 2019 is coming you want to start to you you're getting a little older you're not getting no younger Robin Hood is an investment that that lets you buy and sell stocks EFTS is EF ETFs options and cryptos all commission-free the Jamia all commission-free they strive to make financial services work for everybody not just a wealthy for guys like you and me not intimidating way for the stock market new companies to invest for the first time with true confidence simple and intuitive clear design with a data presented in an easy to digest way I'll tell you what my wife's been using it

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know I'm saying I'm no rockin the patient guy or whatever I got Whitney Cummings in this motherfucking I got the Christ killer in this motherfucker it's Thursday morning bitches here we go you ever see him perform this line with a fucking brown silk suit I got snakeskin suit on with boots at the Hollywood Bowl bitches of fame shit coming out I could be wrong nice time stick my gets out You know what, Whitney? He must have been fucking blind for the time.

He was fucking dumb-blind for the time. No, Burnett. This is his lyrics. That's quote for... You're going down, bitch. Take a walk with me. Who do you love, Papa? You do you love me.

Listen to me. You're smoking. I mean... You do you love me. I said... Who do? No, fucking tremendous. I'm harmonica.

Oh please, Whitney Cummings. Tremendous. Why does that touch my heart? Harmonica. This is... Sometimes I put this shit on that sounds outdated the doors, but you're like... Classic.

It's fucking classic shit. If that song were to be released today, it'd be the number one hit for two years, I feel like. You think so? It's just timeless. Don't you think? If it was a new artist. Yeah, somebody redid it.

Really? The guy that did the 50 for 50 tour in the 80s redid it. Not as good. You know, I like... He sings... He always sings about booze. I don't know. I don't know.

J.T.A.N.Y.O.s and fucking. Don't fucking matter. Oh, Johnny Cash? No. George Sturgeon? George Sturgeon the destroyer redid it. But not. It wasn't no fucking Jim Morrison shit.

Jim Morrison took it to a different level. Whitney Cummings. A pleasure. You are like the Jim Morrison of comedy. I'm fucking waiting here for you. Seven years I'm waiting here on the street corner like fucking the singer from Guns N' Roses. In November rain.

I'm just sitting there. I've always wanted to do your show. I'm too intimidated by you. And we just didn't know it. We were both intimidated by each other. That's so weird. That can't be true. First of all.

Wait, is he bullshitting me? No. I get very intimidated by some women. He would bring you up and be like, I don't want to bother at the store. I don't want to bother you and only bother people. You know, some women have. And it wasn't an era of bitchiness or nothing.

It was just an era of un-Whitney fucking Cummings. And I respected that. That's super kind. I knew have this too. Like before I go on, I'm not that social. Like I'm kind of like super focused and I'm trying to get a vibe with the crowd. Like I'm not great at socializing at the comedy store

until after my set. And I think a lot of people think that I'm like a bitch or like a loof and it's not. I'm just like insecure and I'm trying to like try out new shit. And you know, and the comedy store has gotten super like popping lately. And it's there's like agents in there and I just get nervous. Here's the deal. You go there to the great Paul Mooney once told me

to be an entertainer. You have to be entertained. So Tuesday nights, what I do is if my spots at 1030, yeah, I like to go into Sam's room and make some extra money or whoever in there. But I'll tell you what's fun. You know what's fun to smoke a half a dude, maybe about a quarter of his annex and sit in Mitzi's chairs in the back

and watch the three people that are up before you. If you did that and watched my set, I would leave. I would stop performing. I do it all the time. I went down there to watch you the other night. If I had known that, I would have. No, I didn't let you. And then I walked out of the front when you get.

This is why I do flapper. This is why I do little clubs. No, I don't like comics. I respect to learn from you. I see what you're doing. You remember, unless you're a fucking moron, that you could learn something from every comic, whether at the open mic level to the highest level,

an open mic comic is something that'll go, fuck, I used to do that. Yep, yep. Okay, don't count me. Yeah, that's right. And a fucking pro like Ron White will do something. You go, fuck, I got to start doing that. That's right.

So. When I watch Ron White, I'm just like, the music. So you got you, Delia, Ali Wong, Rogan, and then me. No. Okay. So I got to watch everybody. I watched Delia and I'm sitting back there going, now when I'm watching Delia, I'm going,

thank God, I don't got to follow this bitch. Because that's been a slow death for me. Yeah. I followed Delia. It took me about six months to get the hang of how to follow Delia. And if they're with him, you're done. I had to follow you one night. I don't think you remember this at the comic store.

That's right. You were killing, like the building was shaking. Like it was like shit was shaking. And I think you did a half hour. Am I wrong? 22. I think you did more than 15 minutes. And it was just like, I mean, it was like a pause break after setups.

Like you were killing so hard. I was like looking around. I was like, anyone, I got to, I lied about having a migrant. I do get migrants up. But I was like, does someone in my head starting to hurt? Like just thinking about going on after you. And I got up and I was like, I can do this. I can fucking handle it.

And I had to regroup. I just like, like barreled into my material. And I tried to just like channel your momentum. And they were not having it. And I had to like, I had to go, okay, guys. Stop, take a breather. I know you guys miss Joey. So do I.

Let's just regroup. Like I had to just address it because there was this like a morning in the room that you had gotten off stage. And I just had to totally reset the energy. Sometimes Sebastian will do that. I learned that I learned that from Sebastian when he higher follows like really high energy act. He'll kind of just pace around like a, like a fucking lion in a cage for like 30 seconds. And just kind of like get the focus back onto him.

That was the original teachings of Mitzi Shaw. Really? To, for me to punch you in the face and for you to be able to put your hands up, breathe and think about what your next move is. That's why I take my daughter to bully buster because every class she gets belted in the head and it makes her think or she belts somebody in the head. And life is all about getting belted in the head and what's your next move. If I belt you in the head and cover your head, you lost a war.

You know, when I first went to the store, it was Don Marara. That was unfollowable. Unfollow. I mean, I would, I remember driving down there like with tears in my eyes. Like, why am I going to go down there to die? And a black guy with dreads, but isn't around no more. He was spotless, clean and a killer. He had been around for 25 years and he was there from the beginning

and Mitzi would still give him spots at 1230. And I would have to go from following him in the original room to Dom in the main room. So I would go down there just to take two beatings. And then it takes a couple of months to learn. Once you go up there and go, let's keep it going for Whitney Cummings. Isn't she great? I wish I could.

You died. You died. I have to go up there and say, let's keep it going for Whitney Cummings. But then without saying this, I got to go fuck Whitney Cummings. Uncle Joey time now bitches. And you have to learn how to make that transition. What you're saying is now clicking for me about watching the comic before because Dom, whenever he goes after a comic,

I've noticed he'll kind of do tags on the jokes before him, of the set before him. Why that? And it kind of like fuses the energy. Bombs of energy and it's tremendous for the room. Yeah, it's tremendous for the room and it feels like we're all a team and it's not like the audience is like, oh, here's our commercial break. It's not such a hard pivot. And he does it so masterfully.

Like whenever he follows me, he'll do a bunch of tags on my jokes, which I'm like, can I have those? And I think it makes it less like traumatic for the audience, energy wise. Now you're a young woman. You've had great success in LA and a long time. You've been here how long? 11 years? More than that, I think.

I said 11. I feel like I said five years for like 10 years. So I moved out here in like 2003. Fucking tremendous. Yeah, 2003, 2004. I popped straight out of college. I'm kind of from Philadelphia. Yeah.

And just started writing, boom, bam. You know, I, yes and no. Like I think everyone kind of knows about your successes and nobody publicizes your failures, right? No one's blasting out all the shows that didn't go or all the scripts that didn't get made. But the first job I got was that show punked, which was that, um. Steven Aziz.

Yeah, he was on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I forgot he was on it. Fuck yeah. I think he was the season after me. BJ Novak was on it. Dax Shepard, I think was on it. That's right. That's how Dax blew up pretty much.

Yeah, that first season and, um, and, but that was paying, you know, for after scale once every three weeks or something. You know, I wasn't actually, um, you know, paying my bills or anything, but I remember I would write specs. Like I'd write specs for TV shows and I was like writing scripts, but most of them never got made. I mean, I wrote like four pilots that never got made. And then my first real job, I got a job

writing on last call with Carson Daly. Like I got a standup spot on there and then they let me write because I think they just like needed a girl. And then I always wanted to write for the roasts. Like that was just my dream. And I would like write jokes. I would write jokes. And they said like, nope, they're not hiring anybody.

Like they have the same group of dudes that they always have. And, um, I just kept writing jokes. And I just wouldn't take no for an answer. And I wrote for the, was it the flavor, flavor roast? I want to say I wrote like 17 pages of jokes for everyone that I thought might be on the show. Lisa Lampinelli, Jeff Ross, Greg Geraldo, like all the guys that are kind of normally on it.

And, uh, I sent it in and there was a joke they really wanted. So they had to hire me for a week. And it was, uh, it was ended a comic named Samore ended up doing it. But the joke was about Flavor Flav. And the joke was, uh, uh, Flav, you look like what Magic Johnson should look like right now. So that was a joke. And they wanted to use it and they couldn't just, you know,

so they had to like hire me for a week, which like was a formality. But I was just like working my ass off, uh, to try to get them to help me back the next week. So I ended up writing on the roast and then I ended up doing the roast. So I think that's kind of the first thing that I kind of did that anyone cared about. You've been relentless. Relentless.

And then I still remember I wasn't going to the store. You were really fucking smacking people around. What? And you produced this stand-up show on Showtime. I can't believe you remember that. Okay. And this is, this is, this is why I'm going to tell you why I remember that. Because up to that time, yeah, I was funny and I had my moments and whatever,

but I was missing something. Something was missing from my act to get me to that next level. And your show came on on a Friday night or something. And there was a particular comment that I'm going to leave nameless. That I was dear friends with and he told me was going to tape your show. So the show came on, you come out, welcome to my show. And I got to thank you. Shit.

But the bathroom was close to the TV. So I'm like, she's probably going to bring up somebody else before my friend. Let me just go in there and take this shit. But shit with the bathroom door open. I was probably taking a shit on stage. She brought my friend on stage. You brought my friend on stage. And I really, and I had been friends with this person for years.

And then I like to stand up. He had moments that he made me laugh, but he had the same problem. My had that something was missing. And for me listening, I couldn't watch him. I had to listen to his set while I was taking his shit. I said, that's it. I'm not doing those style of jokes no more. And I became a storyteller from you doing that show.

And me listening to that comic and realizing how bad he really was. I started storytelling. This is blowing my mind. This is how crazy it is. And I'll tell you after this show. So I'm the reason you're the Richard Pryor of our day. No, no, no, no. The reason why while I was taking the shit, I heard him do the material.

And I, I love, when I, when I had the opportunity to do a podcast, I loved it. And I did not want it. I did. I did not want music at it. You're so fucking good at anything to it. I wanted it. I wanted to, I grew up on how old is your dad? He's past, but he's would be 74.

Oh, it's okay. No, I think I'm sorry. Oh, thanks. You know, when you're 50, we grew up on listening to albums. All those Richard Pryor albums and all that shit I have. I learned the listening, not viewing. There was no special for that was a kid. So I had to buy by Centennial Nigger.

I had to buy was it something I said. I had to buy George Carlin live. I had to buy. And you had to sit there and listen. You know, Lenny couldn't walk around. It wasn't in the car. It wasn't out in the gym. It was so by being listening to that guy.

Do those fucking straight dumb type jokes. So the, yeah, they get a laugh and they get a laugh in the club. You'll be a feature act for the rest of your life. You'll be a great feature for the rest of your life. Doing those things. But no one, you go off stage. No one knows who you are. No one knows who you are.

No one's changed. Right from that decision, from being that bad to my wipe my ass. And I went out there, watched the rest of the show. And that Monday I started writing a blog on Myspace. I would write a story about my life. Misspelling words, your and your. Like I hadn't written since college. I hadn't written anything.

Some kind of joke on a piece of paper. And you try, but I hadn't gotten in front of a computer or anything since college. So I lost all my pronunciation. And I started writing a blog every Monday. No matter what I did, that blog had to be up. About a particular story in my life. Me mugging somebody, me fucking.

Having sex with somebody by the tree. And then turned me into a story. All stuff that couldn't be one line. Letting people, even if it is a one night. Why is it a one liner? And how does it affect you? And how is it going to affect the audience by you saying it this way? So this is the reason why I'm telling you this fucking joke.

And this is the reason why you're going to fucking believe it and laugh at it. And remember it and be bonded to me. I wasn't doing that. I was doing kind of a Rodney type thing. One liners are great. Have you ever seen somebody do one liners in 45 minutes? I have seen it. You want to stick a knife in your face.

It's hard. No disrespect to anybody that's handicapped. I love handicapped comics. But it's tough to pay 45 dollars. 20 minutes. You're like, how much yees can I get? You know, that's why you got to put them in 20 minute shows. Because if not, you get all yeed out and fucking, you know what I'm saying?

I'm going to no offense to nobody. I'm just telling you the truth. That, you know, it's like the Chinese guy with a ping-pong ball. 20 minutes. I don't want to see it no more. You know what I'm saying? All right, you can do a ping-pong ball now. It's like, I'm just fucking seasick.

Yeah, I'm impressed. I don't know why I'm not just from it. You know, I want the guy that sucks you in and tells you why I suck three dicks that night. Tell me why. Yeah. If you're a woman, you go up on stage and go, well, I suck three dicks. I suck the great dick.

I'm impressed with you. And you know what? If I had a Rocacocca probably talk to you after the show. But if you told me why you suck the three dicks, it would make me feel a lot different. So that's what I did from that, from listening to that comic on your show. And that was at the... And it was like...

What year was that? That was like a must have been if I was in 2007. Yeah, seven, eight, maybe. Because that was like the first thing I ever produced. And I kind of fell into it in a weird way. They wanted me to write jokes. But then they were like, well, you know comics, why don't you just produce it?

Like, I didn't really know what I was doing. You know? Didn't matter. And I really kind of just like booked comics that I either had their number or I thought they didn't like me. And I wanted to like give them a job so that they'd like me more. Like Ian Edwards, I never knew if he liked me or not. And I like loved him.

So I was like, hey, you want to do my show? It was like my way of just like trying to get out with him. Yeah. Or just like people who I thought that I at least knew that I knew needed like a TV set. Or like Chris DeLiga. I don't think he had done a TV set at that point. And him and I were doing like open mics

and doing like Long Beach bowling alleys and shit. And I was like, I think this guy's pretty good. And then just people that needed like a tape, you know? Because back then if you didn't have a tape, you didn't have shit. You don't have shit. You need a tape. Remember that? You need a five minute tape to do the talk shows,

to do Letterman, to do Leno. Everyone was just trying to get a tape. And I would never send the tape. Yeah. I would send blank tapes out. That's amazing. And sometimes they'd call me and say, yes, that was great. But we're not going to use you for this segment and shit like that.

Wait, shut up. You would intentionally send a blank. I would send blank tapes to everybody. The best one was the guy from Houston, Mark Babbitt, who called me back and said, your tape was great. And he was a cokehead in the half. That's how I got with him. And then years later, I heard about Chelsea sending the tape out

with her fucking on the wash and dryer at the end. Is that true? I know. I know. It's like fucking everybody. I never saw it. But was it sent to the comedy store? No, it was sent to different bookers.

And it was sent like as a joke from Chelsea. I heard it was a joke from Chelsea. Oh, got it. Because Chelsea put five minutes of her doing stand up. And then her getting fucked on the wash and dryer, just to see if they would watch past that certain point. It's a pretty good. It's a pretty good.

And then they came back out of years later and said she put out a sex tape and she was like. No, it was a joke. Oh, she did it as a joke. I sent it out. I remember that now. Do you remember now? That's why she's like.

She totally fucking slapped. They were like, yeah, asshole. She's like, hey, dummies, guess who sent that out? Yeah, me. Me. Because the guy at the comedy store was one that edited for her. And he after about three weeks, he couldn't take it. And he had to tell somebody.

I just hated the tape with Chelsea. They tried doing five minutes and they're fucking at the end on the wash and dryer. So Chelsea just wanted to fuck with people. Well, I thought that's what it was. That's so funny. I think you're right. You're definitely right.

And then towards the end of her show, they came back out there and said. Yeah, they tried to unearth some scandal. Don't try to make this a revenge. They even tried the blackmailer. Then they even tried to like say we have a sex tape. Chelsea doesn't give a fuck. She's like, no fucks.

You want that tape? I got it at my house. No. Yeah, I'll tweet this shit a right this minute. I'll tweet this shit right this minute. Yeah, I looked good back then. Yeah, I would love to tweet my naked body from 15 years ago.

Do you know when I knew Chelsea back then? I knew Chelsea. I think you knew her probably before I did. 98. Yeah, you knew her before I did. 98. I mean, I knew her when she got her like right before she got the title. I tortured her and she fucking hated me ever since.

Oh no. Hated me ever since. At the black club next to the chicken place. In LA? Yeah. Down on Wilshire. There's a black club. The union or something?

Oh, yeah, yeah. The Tommy union. Oh, yeah. What happened to that place? I think it's still going on. Yeah, it's still going on. I remember growing there. Is that the place in the open mic you have to pick out of a bucket?

Like all these open micers come and they put in their name? They have a lot of those now. But you wait. You don't, they don't even pick it out. Yeah, it's a lottery. They make you wait the whole time. You have to wait the whole, she wait four hours. That's why I try not to do them.

I get stuck at going to a few of the same places because that's brutal. Like the Improv Olympic does that too. You wait for three hours. Nice house does it a lot of places do it. Improv Olympic is done. It is? How crazy is that? The one on Hollywood is.

Yeah, close to the year too, right? It is crazy. It was there for that long. That like the best real estate in the city that Improv Olympic was paying that rent next to the Roosevelt. The Improv Olympic was to rip off. I don't know. I only went to go to stand up and you'd go at four o'clock and you'd wait till 10 and probably not even get up. Jesus.

It was a fucking rip. That's why I only did bars. I would do that Westwood Brew Co. Do you ever go down there? Never. In Westwood? That's Neals, right? It was no, oh no, Neals is West Side Comedy Theater.

That's now. But there was a bar at Westwood on UCLA campus that we would go to on Mondays and Thursdays. You show up at 10 o'clock and you go on at like 1 a.m. You just wait. There's a bunch of drunk college kids like, like just walking out during your set, singing karaoke next door. It was a nightmare. I mean, I did shitholes for a long time.

That Lucky Strike bowling alley. This is why I think you and I never saw each other. That's why. Because you were doing clubs and I was doing like rooms. I was doing rooms. I was doing like Miyagi's. Do you remember the sushi restaurant? They used to have a room there.

Tuesday nights. Yeah, that's right. Tuesday nights at 10 o'clock. And they'd have MTV jams playing on the TV loud. So you'd have to scream over the 90s R&B news. Now across the street, was there still Jay Davies and Dan Cook? I missed that. Dublin's, I never, I was never there.

I came right after Dublin. Let me tell you something, man. You get nostalgic about your comedy career. And you think about like, there's nights I make that ride on Laurel Canyon to the comedy store. And my heart stops. 20 years ago, that was complete. First off, when you're apart on Laurel Canyon, right there,

this is sunset. That's the fucking mall and the fucking dragon. Virgin Megastore. Virgin Megastore. That's a gas station. Crunch. If you look to your right, right there, that used to be a rock club. Huge comedy.

Huge comedy. Really? That nightclub, please? That nightclub was an old guitar like Nirvana. So Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, they let 10 comics up between seven and nine. And then the rock bands came on at nine. You went down 30 more yards. Taquito, whatever, across the street.

There's the National Lampoon building. Yep. Yep. Pinchies tacos. Then there's the Pinchies tacos. There was a bar under there, the union. That was. It's called The Den now.

Now. Yeah. That was booked by Ahmed Ahmed. And what's the movie star? Tom Cruise. No. You used to run a room? No.

Hey, man. Well, this is when they. Dodgeball. Dodgeball. Hey, man. Will Ferrell. No. No.

When they, when they hit that movie in 98, what's that movie him and John Favreau and the other fucking guys that swingers, when they did swingers, they were all doing, they all lived together. So I met Ahmed and Vince Vaughn lived together. So I met Ahmed and Vince Vaughn put together a room at the union. And they would go, then Vince Vaughn broke up with his girlfriend and she stayed in the apartment with Ahmed. I met a pretty girl, great girl, and they would run the room together. That became a fucking drug comedy, Nick Topolo, Paulie.

I mean, that was like, because Tuesday night was the all black night at the comedy store. Right. So the original room would only get eight white people. So wait, tripping Tuesdays has been going on. Is that, that's what? Where? Is tripping Tuesdays? Where's tripping Tuesdays?

Isn't that comedy store, Urban Night? That was, that's, that was something else. That was called, that was the brothers, the two brothers from St. Louis that the one guy did American X and the other guy did the Jackson Jackson movie, the Michael Jackson, the Janet Jackson movie, Joe Torrey. That's right, Joe Torrey. Oh, that's crazy. And that place was sold out every fucking Tuesday.

Oh, I remember when I first came, like you have these little photographs in your mind that are just emblazoned in your brain. And one of them was Torrey. Like I remember going to a comedy store. I remember the first time I went on the OR stage and, you know, Letterman is written in lights, right? Yakov Smirnoff. I never knew what that even, I didn't even know.

And I was just like, yeah, go. And, uh, those were burning in my brain as I was bombing as an open mic. Or cause I would go every Sunday in money to the comedy store open mic and Doc would help me out, you know, and, uh, I remember going up there. But Joe Torrey, that's one of them also. Crazy Cindy. Crazy Cindy. And then Vargas.

And then the union fizzled out and Jay Davies moved in there with the beginning of the Dane Cook in an area. But across the street on Tuesday nights was danger. Why? Miyagi's was pure danger. Because every comic. Eat that sushi. You're in a lot of danger because every comic found out they give you free sushi if you

did a set. 10 p.m. Tuesday sushi is, I don't recommend it. Brown Fimea. It was all those savages. But I still remember being at Jay Davies' room. Dublin's. And getting a call from my ex-tripper girlfriend going, where are you? And I'm like, I'm at the Dublin's.

And she's like, come across the street. You're not going to believe this. It was Whitney Houston singing, I will always love you. Bobby Brown was in the audience. And then when she got off, fucko got up on stage. Hit me, baby, one more time. Britney Spears. Britney Spears.

At Miyagi's. At Miyagi's on a Tuesday night. Or you can eat sushi. That's how big it had blown up there. Like Tuesday. That is bananas. Next to the pink taco now. I know exactly.

That two, it was two floors. Upstairs. You know, you got on stage. I remember there was a bridge. Remember there was a moat? Like you had to go up on stage and there was a little bridge between you and the audience. Like a little koi pond.

I don't think there was. There was, I remember, because I just remember one time watching Duncan Trostle go up there with his fucking suitcase. Back when he went to the ventriloquism. And I remember he's like, no one could hear any of us. And we couldn't tell if we were all just bombing so hard or if they actually just couldn't hear us because the audience was so far away. And they were playing MTV jams like loud.

And he just started like insulting people in the audience saying the most insane shit. And we were done. I mean, it was like the hardest, I think. One of the hardest times I've ever laughed besides Brody Stevens ringing in the New Year like eight years ago at the comedy store and telling people in the audience that he was going to ruin their New Year's Eve. I will ruin your New Year's at 1145 on New Year's Eve.

A bunch of couples just sitting there with balloons hanging. Just booking. Are you doing New Year's this year? Phoenix. Are you really? You're a balls and savage. Yeah. Phoenix is fun.

Phoenix stand up live. I don't think it's stand up live. It's the new place. I don't remember what it's called. It's brand new. Is it stand up live? Yeah. It's stand up live.

650. I think it's. See, are you doing the whole weekend or just New Year's? It's called CB. So you don't see it at all. It's new. Maybe. It's called CB on Tatum.

I don't even know. They just booked a shit. I don't ask a lot of questions. But I think it's the same owner. Okay, so. Phoenix. And are you doing the whole weekend prior to that? I know of them just.

I'm in Portland up until New Year's Eve. I do Portland and then I go to Phoenix. Hittin' it. I'm doing Oxnard that week, but I'm not doing it. That club is gorgeous. Love it. I love it. I can't wait.

Perfect box. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect club. Perfect. I love. I love Ontario. I love doing shows around LA that aren't right in LA.

How's the new brand? Huge. And excellent. Yes, it's great. I did an Irvine. You know Irvine, I ate a bag of dicks. You know what, I always eat shit at Irvine. Okay, there's two people.

Irvine and Cobbs. I go there just to die a slow death. You know Bob and Cobbs. Oh, how much we're just going there? Is it because they're so politically cracked? I gotta go in there asshole first. Just asshole first and no grease. Cocoa butter, maybe if you're lucky.

That's how I gotta go on stage at Cobbs. Is it because they're so PC, like San Francisco? Yeah, the punchline is where I get down. I get down. Yeah, punchline is fun. You should just do Palace of Fine Arts. You should just do a theater. You get your people.

You don't get a bunch of balls. How was the Palace of Fine Arts? Beautiful. Okay. Theater, what is it, 700, not even 1,000 seats? You do two shows? I haven't done it in a while because I did Cobbs last time I was there. I did a full weekend at Cobbs.

But yeah, you'll do two shows one night. Yeah, you do a seven and a nine. It's beautiful because I think that Cobbs, you need a lot of walk-ins that are sort of like, hmm, you're not allowed to say that. For one week and I co-edlined with Ari, I bombed until the little Saturday late show. I just couldn't take it no more.

I just couldn't take it no more. You know what I'm like, I can't take it no more. By the way, bombing at Cobbs is a very specific type of bombing because it's very cavernous. Oh my God. It's very deep. And it's very, like you can't, like there's certain places like the punchlines.

If you're eating shit, you can kind of fix it. You can kind of, because you can see the audience. But if you're bombing at Cobbs, I mean, you are. It's a death. Buh, you are just. It's death. It's death. Bluff.

Shit, shit, shit. And it's like, you know what else every time I'm in there, I always think a fire is going to start. I always think of the movie Carrie when I'm up on stage. It's one of those places that has that fire look to it. By the way, I would love for blood to come down and drench me. That might get some laughs, actually. I love to see them light them up.

Like every time I'm up there, I'm like, somebody could start a fire in the back. I don't know why. I always think. Every comedy club. I'm surprised they don't catch on fire every day. It's an old building. That one looks, smells like arson.

I know arson when I see it. I know arson when I see it. And I can tell that building has arson written all over it. You know, they built, they birthed the old one. No, everyone in services. You do. No, no, they built the old Cobbs. I'm not joking.

What do you mean? Go online. They used to be in old Cobbs. I got lit on fire. Don't tell me my business. But here's what I get. Don't tell me my business. I know I'm building when it's going to go on fire.

Here's what I'll say. Everyone in services go vapes now. Nobody smokes. I don't mean none. All you need is a little butane. I got Jews that are going to your place, a little butane in their sock. And one of those lighters, one of those matches,

they light off their foot, you know, off their shoes. You're business will be in flames like fucking, the Communist guerrillas lit the palace of fucking whatever in flames and that fucking thing. What's that Marcos show? I watched it again this week. I love that show. Wait, so Cobbs used to be, it burned down?

Cobbs used to be somewhere else. In 2002, hold on. Come on, Doug, why do you think I've been down? Who was it? I don't. I believe you. It was on Chestnut Street in the marina. And then in 2002, it moved to Columbus Ave.

What was it? Was it a carrot top practicing his act? I don't know what happened. How did it catch on fire? I don't know what happened. I don't know. That's fucking crazy. Well, you know, whenever you walk through kitchens

at comedy clubs, it's kind of a fun thing to do. You walk through the kitchen, you're just looking around and you're like, fingers crossed, we're going to survive tonight. You know, when you go around some of these older clubs. Oh, that's something like, I was lawyer this weekend. I loved that club. I was there two weeks ago. What I'm going to do is that is the club.

I'm going to the week before I tape. I'm doing it. I'm doing four nights at the March 20th, the week before my special. Oh, you tape it? Always. DC. Are you going back home?

Yeah, yeah. I had, you know, the last two specials I taped here because there's something to be said for like, you do 50 cities and then like, you're doing your special and you get on the road and you're sleeping in a hotel. And, you know, so I was like, let me just sleep in my own bed. So I did that Broad Theater in Santa Monica for one. And then I did Irvine Barclay Theater out there.

University of California Irvine. And then I was like, I want to do LA again. And I was like, you know what? It's just, I'm worried LA's, it's feeling too much like an echo chamber. And I don't want this to feel like a liberal elite comedy special. Like I want it to work everywhere. I'm going everywhere.

And then I just want to shoot it in DC because there's a little bit of everything there, like a diverse city. DC is the weirdest town because I do great there. Why is that weird? You do great everywhere. I go off in that place. I love it.

I see these. I love it. I go off in that place. I love it. There are secrets in DC. There's lies in DC. Everyone in DC has like, you know, it's like Hollywood, but a different business.

You know, I grew up in DC and it's like, it's, whereas LA's about fame, New York's about money, DC's about power. You go there because you want some kind of power. You want to be involved in the scene. You know, it's just a different kind of Hollywood. And it's a lot of, it's a lot of sinister shit goes on in DC. You know, it's a lot of motherfuckers live there.

And that's kind of what I like about it. And there's a lot of diversity. This last time I went, I had John Berthal on the show. Yeah, I love him. I'm, I, have you seen a movie called Me, Earl and the Dying Girl? No. He is, his performance in it is A plus. Well, I didn't know he was from DC.

Oh, I didn't either. Yeah. So we were talking and I'm like, I'm in DC this week. It's like, wait, you gotta go. I'm at the 930 club. It's like, oh, that is the 930 club. So he went off. That is like, you don't understand.

That's like a religious experience. I used to go there to the go-go dancing. Well, Dave Grohl. I mean, that's like DC. So Henry Rollins, I saw Henry Rollins for the first time when I was 15 years old at the 930 club. Like 930 club was like where I saw like MXPX, all these like straight edge bands.

Like like 930 club is like the Roxy in DC. It's like, I was tremendous. I can only do one show that I could have sold out to. I can't believe you've won. Was it awesome? Awesome. And I think I'm going to go back.

I think I want to go back to the two. You should. That was perfect. The 930 club is like one of the top five most like magical venues. So most history. It's just that every great band like rock bands kind of, it's like a rite of passage to play there. Like so much history has been made.

And what's go-go music like? Like this. Go-go music is like you can't not like you just can't. Like I don't give a fuck. I love when you dance. I don't give a fuck who you are. I don't give a fuck who you voted for. I don't care what your bodily injuries are.

When go-go comes on, you're just like it unites us in a way. Like no one's like, oh, this shit. You know, everyone's so opinionated about music, but there's some kind of visceral, it's like, it's like you're rolling on E or something when you hear it. Like you can't not smile when it comes on. You know, it just like unites everybody. Whereas I feel like now music is like polarizing people.

People are like, oh, I like this band. Fuck that band. And you're like, Jesus, it's music. Like when did we get so angry about music? You know, Dave Grohl did that show on HBO. And it was, what was it? I think I might be getting the name wrong, but it was like episodes of music in different cities.

And did he go to 930? He did one on DC, a whole thing on 930 Club. And like the DC music scene in the 80s, it's fucking awesome. It's awesome. And it kind of explains a lot. What was your childhood like? I mean, obviously awesome. Really?

No, I grew up in an alcoholic home. I grew up in an alcoholic home. Mom, dad. Mom, mom. And dad gone, you know, I don't talk a ton about my dad because I'm still kind of processing all of it. And I'm still really like protective of him. He was my hero.

But, you know, being a man without money at that time with kids and complications, you know, you got to do a lot of sketchy shit, you know? So I actually have a lot of admiration for him. Whereas when I was younger, I was like, my dad lied to me. My dad didn't pick me up from school. And his mistress has picked me up from school and he did all this fucked up shit.

And like, I'm in a 12-step program now, but it's like I now know like in my cells that like he did the best he could. And that being a man during that time and the way my grandfather raised him, like, you know, he just didn't have the tools. Like men back then weren't like, I have to hug my daughter and tell her how smart she is.

Like he just didn't learn that, you know? And I liked that he didn't raise me as if I was a girl, if that makes any sense. He kind of raised me like I was his son. You know, we were playing sports, we were playing basketball. You know, the time I did have with him, he was just like beating the shit out of me on the basketball court, making sure I was good.

You know? And like slamming me with spelling words to make sure I was going to do well on the test. Like he didn't care if I liked him. He only wanted me to succeed in life. You know, he taught me a work ethic that was like next level. You know, I'm the same way with Murphy.

Really? I'm to the point where she's big into martial arts. She's really excelling over there. That's awesome. At the age of five. I mean, she excels. That's crazy. He pulls kids and excels at everything.

Like she's good at the pool, they like her. That's because you probably don't coddle her when she doesn't achieve anything. I try to raise how my mother raised me. I was raised without a dad for a few years. So my mom had to play both hands of the fence. And when you see a woman do that, it's really hard. I respect it like you respect your dad today.

I respect my mother for that smack in the head when I wouldn't get off the donkey on 86th Street and Broadway and shit like that. You know, like I just, so I try to treat it the same way. The other night she clocked me in the face. My mom smacked me in the face once. I didn't smack her back. I just grabbed her and said, you can't do this.

And I explained to her why. And I gave her a timeout and she was very apologetic. And she's, she wants to do good. Yeah. She's good. But I'm going to try to raise her. Same way your dad raised you. He would always say to me, I don't need you to like me.

I'd be like, but I hate you. And he's like, I don't care. He's like, I'm going to make it hard in here. So it's easy out there. How long go to the past? Two years, a year and a half. You still think about home alone? Yeah, a lot.

I'll start crying. Yeah, it was really fucked up. The story is too horrifying. I don't want to upset anybody. I don't want to bring it out of you right now. Yeah. But he was a badass Duke of Deception warrior. You know, and-

Was he a gangster? He was a what we just call like a white color criminal. Okay, we'll leave it at that. Yeah. Like we would have like really expensive paintings in our studio apartment. And, you know, I got like an Acura when I turned 16. I like, I'd get collateral, you see.

Like I would, you know, for Christmas when I was eight, I got like an engagement ring. Like, all right. You know, he was, and I think at the time, I didn't understand how like magical his existence was because I was so, I just wanted more of his time and I couldn't get it, you know, and because he was always gone

and he'd leave for a day, but then I'll be back tomorrow and I wouldn't see him for like a month and then he'd come back with, you know, with all these incredible stories and gifts. And, you know, that was confusing for me. And he'd leave me in dangerous situations and stuff, which I think at the time,

he didn't understand how dangerous they were. So I'm still at the place in my life where I'm trying to delineate like anger around it and resentment around it and just acceptance that like he did the best that he could, you know, when he was a motherfucker and I'm grateful because you have to be a motherfucker to survive this world.

Mom is, you know, I'm really grateful that she worked when I was a kid because I saw how hard you have to work. And I'm grateful for that. But yeah, I mean, she's, I have a lot of addiction in my family. A lot of it. You said you were in a 12-step program yourself.

I'm an Allen on, yeah. And this is the one way you grow up around people. That's right. Because a lot of times- You treat it a certain way. That's right. Because you, when you grow up in alcohol or comb, you develop this over develop sense of responsibility

where you think you have to solve everybody else's problems. Because as a kid, you're the one making dinner. You're the one handling shit. You're the one, you know, going, we got to go to school. You're the one like organizing, you know, carpool. Like I just had to be an adult way too young.

And you also get addicted to adrenaline and excitement, you know? So even coming out of the womb, like I was already like, so you tend to recreate your childhood circumstances by seeking out broken people, other addicts, chaos, adrenaline, stuff like that. And then perfectionism

because I had to work so hard to get attention that the message I got was like, if you're not perfect, you're not worthy of love, you know? So that's, Al-Anon is like, you know, a lot about that. It's, you know, they say like in AA, you know, whereas addicts that use substances or alcohol are addicted to alcohol or cocaine, whatever. Al-Anon's are addicted to people

who are addicted to alcohol or cocaine or whatever. Fuck ups. Right. No, I mean, just addicted to the drama of like, I'm going to save you and I'm going to fix you. Right. And I'm going to. It's going to work.

You're the fucking dude in the rest of zero. And it's really, it's a martyr complex. It really is. We say the three M's. It really is. Mothering, murdering, micromanaging. That is sort of what we end up having, which it's its own defect.

Like let people have the dignity of their own experiences. It's like you have like a God complex. Like you have to rescue everybody. And it's just like obnoxious. So. My mother was an Alki. My mother had a bar. So her alcoholism was based off her business.

She thought like Burt for her to sell drinks. You had to have drinks. So she would get there at 10 and start building them out. I grew up around her cocaine like in the 70s and late 60s. I would tell her to wipe her nose. Like you're fucking embarrassing me. Like I still remember being seven or eight and going dog. Wipe your fucking nose with you.

I had it that together that I could say that. And she would apologize later on. And you know, she was like, I do it on once in a while. I don't give a fuck. Yeah. Just keep your nose clean around me, you know. I grew up with that. And it was funny because Monday I went to Mercy's school recital

at 8 30 in the fucking morning. It was that night that I got home and I couldn't fall asleep. You know, it was night. Yeah, every night. You gotta be up somewhere. And it's her thing. And I wanted to look nice and fucking all night long. I kept, I thought I had a pee and I would get up, take my pick out.

No pee comes out. Why am I waking up? Why am I waking up before no pee comes out? Then you go back and then again. Hi, you're cold. Yes. You check your phone and then you really can't sleep. Yeah.

It's a night. It was funny that I went to her thing and I got a little high before I went that morning just to soothe it out of my set. I went to the kindergarten with her and read the book mom while my wife got the seat. So we would have to wait online like studio 54 was a huge line. So we got the seat when I was sitting there watching my daughter. It's so funny.

I went to the other kid with him. When he used to come with me some day. And all this shit comes back in front of you. And that's why I'm in Allen Island because I don't want to repeat the same shit. Like all this shit that, so no, no, I'm not doing. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about while I'm sitting there. When she came out, I saw her like go like this.

And when she saw me, her little face just melted and she just went. Like she can't wink with this eye, but she really tried to. And she looked at me and my wife goes, she didn't even look at me. She doesn't give a fuck. But right away, I thought about one time when it was my birthday. And in those days, my mom would get home, you know, I was five or six. My mom would get home at 330 in the morning from New York. She would wake up with me, dress me, get me ready for school.

But just from the smell and just from the look of her, I knew that, you know, that was as good as it was going to get. And I never questioned her. I liked walking to school by herself. Her being an Alki gave me the independence that I wanted. At the same, yeah. Do you understand me? I do like being alone.

You being passed out at two is actually kind of convenient for me. Most people want their parents to be passed out all day. So I would go to school and sometimes I'd come home for lunch and she'd still be passed out. And sometimes I'd come home at three and now she'd have the house caught on and she was making bets on the phone and numbers and figuring out what the score of the bets game was. So I had a birthday party.

It was my fucking birthday. I'm in kindergarten. I'm Spanish. It's all white kids. Nobody really likes me. They don't know what a fucking Cuban is. I'll never forget that at two o'clock in the afternoon, there was a knock on the door and there was my mother with the Puerto Rican,

with her little Puerto Rican buddy and they were both fucked up already. You could see and they came with two cases of coke and cans and a Carvel ice cream cake and I became the hero of the day. Like I never forgot that. Carvel, oh the whale. That's my shit. Oh shit. That was, that was.

She brought the whale with happy birthday. All those first graders at kindergarten went crazy. My mom was the favorite mom. Everybody's mother brings Kool-Aid. Little fuck. This lady showed up with two cans of. It's a Carvel bitch. Yeah.

Two cases of coke and cans and whatever. And I'll never forget that memory. Like I was good with my mom after that. She never did anything else ever again. I was good with that simple memory of her showing up at two o'clock, hung over his fuck. You could already tell she had a shot or something. Because in the morning she would wake up with Heineken and tomato juice.

She would do three or four of those. Those were her breakfast. Then an egg. And then wherever the day took her. We got to go to the Mech Games. So let's get going. She'd stop at a liquor store. So she could do sips all the way up.

That's. But she was functioning. Yeah. Was your mom functioning? Highly. Highly. You know and yeah and it's interesting because I think for me like you know my family a very good, like there was this illusion of affluence.

You know like you don't know you're poor until you go to someone else's house. You know what I mean? But we lived in Georgetown and D.C. And it was this like ostensibly really fancy area. But like then there was the eviction notice. And that like I remember there was you know I was just I haven't thought about this in a long time.

But when you talked about school I carry just like embarrassment with me all the time. You know like I'm like hey sorry. Like I always think I have something in my teeth. I always think I'm like embarrassing myself in some way. You know whenever I like say hi to someone or talk to someone I'm like why did you just say that? That was so stupid. You know I just like beat myself up.

And I always think there's some kind of like elaborate like prank going on. It's like a paranoia and remind me to tell you my Irish fear story about that. In a minute how it like perfectly collided with this paranoia. I have the time he hid my backpack at the comedy store and I went crazy. Because I thought that my worst fear was actually confirmed. I'll tell you about that as I get but one time I remember I got pulled out of class. And because the tuition wasn't paid for the school and they put like a note on my shirt. It was like a safety pin and it was a little note.

And it said like you know a note to my parents saying you have to pay this. And I could read I guess at that time and I didn't. And it was like a scarlet letter almost like I wore it around. I think it was a Catholic school as authority wasn't enough like shame and embarrassment. And I remember like having to wear it around like why the and I think about that now and I'm like what is that legal. Like I can't believe a school would do that. Like I can't believe they didn't just wait till the end of the day to do it.

But I remember having to walk around all day and everyone was like what's that sign. Like oh you didn't pay your tuition you guys are poor. And everyone was just like making fun of the fact that I was poor and then I didn't pay the tuition and I had to go from school to school because the tuition wasn't paid and all that. But little things like that that were just like oh this does a number on a psyche. Because I just from them then on was always so embarrassed. But I think on some level it did make me funny. Because I felt like I always had to entertain kids to make friends.

You know I always had to be more entertaining than I was embarrassing or something. I had to like earn my seat at the table. So I started being funny. You know because I think that there was also so much stuff I had to hide in my family. I had to hide the you know the mess I had to hide the you know the thing and someone's passed out and this and the kids haven't eaten and there's no food in the fridge. And I always had to make up stories and I had to basically lie and be like oh no. Like look at the silly monkey and like distract people when friends would come over you know.

So I think that being funny very much was like a sort of device that I developed in order to like play defense on other people's perception of what was going on in my home. You know and I also thought I had to be funny because I thought oh my mom drinks because I'm not interesting in that like that's I mean as a kid you just make whatever assumption doesn't accuse the parent because it's too traumatic on a psyche to say like my parent is a mess because then you just feel too unsafe. So you actually just go oh I must suck you know because you don't want to blame your parent as such a young child you just don't know better right.

So I remember just going if you're just funny and entertaining. So I used to put on Jerry Seinfeld records and memorize them and then go out and do the jokes for my mom like while she was like doing things. I'd be like hey so Florida eventually left like I would just go try to do jokes and make her laugh and like I would put on costumes and stuff you know I just thought that that was like oh this will fix it you know if I can just make her laugh she won't need to drink. And this was the beginnings of your stand-up. Kind of yeah.

These are the roots of your stand-up. This pain this calmly this embarrassment I mean I think that you know we all have that pain that and then we make it we make it funny so it doesn't sting as much. Have to. That's amazing that you put that safety pin on your wrist and never. This actually so I just put it together right now it's just serendipitous that it matches the story when I was a kid I used to play with safety pins. We didn't have a lot of like toys and I played with cosmetics which is kind of sinister.

I'd go to like the CVS which was called People's Drug at the time in DC and I'd go and I'd like save up money and I'd go buy like lotion or whatever because I learned from my mom you always have to look a certain way you know and and I have compassion for around that. We're kind of in this place in society where like women aren't supposed to objectify themselves and whatever like you know my mother did not learn that she is from Texas she learned you always got to like be on point you got to be glossy you got to have the eyes shut you got to do so her bathroom was all products you know so I just learned like it's all about I was putting like anti-aging cream on when I was like seven I said I was seven and I looked four and so I

would like play with my little sort of products and stuff and um yeah that's kind of what I did it's just but when my parents would fight I had these little safety pins and I would take the I'd open it and it wasn't like self-mutilation or anything I just sort of pricked myself just as a weird little way to distract myself and I always forgot about that and then I got the tattoo of it like I was had a surgery and I was on a painkiller and I was like I'm gonna go get a tattoo of the safety pin I used to play with as a kid I thought it was like a really poignant thing and now I'm kind of like oh god I always forget that it's there you're an interesting woman man really fuck yeah so now you hear you're rocking and rolling who gave you the right to write a script

and sell it to CBS which one came first Whitney or two broke girls they were kind of um simultaneous I had written the show for NBC the Whitney show for Chris Delia and I so we became friends uh just through which you are a cutest couple in the world are you two motherfuckers ain't married the first couple of comedy I if I if I was you I married Delia just to call up Brad Pitt's ex-wife and call her a dirty cunt you got nothing on me take a look at me and Chris Delia not prime and you and Brad meanwhile Brad was fucking other people so you had nothing Angelina so go fuck yourself just hang up on it I think I think so much of why Chris and I love each other so much is that we haven't dated you know that sometimes brings out the worst in people I think it brings

out the worst in me because I get insecure I get fearful I get you know so I think so much of the like our relationship has to do with the fact that we didn't like soil it with that messy shit you know and get like a bunch of like feelings involved but I just we had such a good time together and I just uh I wanted to write a show about you know a couple that had been together for a while and kind of a gender reversal like there was a lot of this like on tv every fucking female character like was obsessed with getting married and I was just like who are these people like who writes these character you know like it's just not my experience you know I saw seven divorces by the time I was 12 years old I heard people screaming and vases flying and shit and I was

like why would anyone want to get divorced like I was very I mean Mary I was very repelled by the idea so I kept having relationships fail because I'd be like I don't want to get married I'd love to stay with you but I'm not signing anything um and uh so I just saw that marriage caused a lot of problems that was like a really big message that I got as a kid like the blueprint and I wanted to write a show about it and about how the guy didn't want to get married he came from a healthy environment and she came from a really you know twisted sick environment and like how to make that work and can you love each other unconditionally and also I'm just in general obsessed with opposites like the idea of can you love someone that voted differently than you you

know I feel like when I watch the news today I worry the answer is no like we're in this place where like if you don't agree with someone on everything you can't even be in the same room together which that's not healthy it's not we've gotten to a pretty fucked up place I think so I mean if I love you I don't give a fuck if you voted for Hitler yeah if I love you you voted for Hitler what am I gonna do that's what I love about you I never know what you're gonna do piece of ass you're so spontaneous so what you fucking voted for Hitler what am I gonna do you know what I'm saying I'm gonna be mad at that I love the idea of just picturing Hitler running for office can you imagine that I know I can she's fucking fucked up I don't think this is his

whatever please I think so I think he would come out I don't think that's it I think if he made a comeback now this would be his new thing he'd come out like this piece fucking the whole thing right yeah maybe um anyway so it was about that and it was also like I missed I grew up on sitcoms like my sitcoms raised me you know television was my parent growing up and that's good on some level but bad on other levels I guess the messaging I got but um I really wanted I missed that like shows had these little like human moments you know like I love the show mad about you and I loved how the whole episode would just be about like you know you put the spoon on the hardwood and you should have put it on the napkin you know just and what that brings out in people something tiny and every

show I'm watching it's like the White House is on fire like all the the plots for every show had to be so big and it just didn't feel relatable and I just missed that kind of like everyday pedestrian humor and how universal that is right so I just wanted to write a show that's about a couple just navigating little stuff like that um and I wrote it for me and Chris I gave him a copy of it he didn't even read it did not read it he's like oh I will go to it I'll get to it this is by the way before fucking Instagram where he had time to read it like he we were maybe on MySpace or something but he like wouldn't read away like didn't like you know how many times do you get a script from a comic where you're just like did you read it yeah yeah yeah I loved it it's like the blank

vitay it's my Chelsea yeah and uh and then it got picked up by NBC and I had to audition with a bunch actors that were like this tall that looked 15 I looked like a giant pedophile like it was like they made me audition a bunch of people and I kept going like you know I really want Chris I really want Chris and he came in I'll never forget it I was like this is the guy because we couldn't find a guy that was like alpha enough for me like I instantly just seemed like their aunt like whenever a male actor in LA would walk in you know because they're all shaved everywhere and just but you know like all of it the hairline and the tan like everyone's in tanning and shit and it just it felt weird and so we're like we got to find an actor who would actually look like he could I

didn't want to be like the top you know I mean someone that where I was the beta that could actually like put me in my place and we were having a hard time finding that because I didn't want to be like cutting anyone's balls off it's not a good look you know um I didn't want to come off like shrill and aggressive and annoying uh and Chris came I was like this guy's so alpha he's like you know this is back when Chris was married I think but it was still like girls would just like go nuts for him right and like he's got swagger and he's kind of silent and you know tall dark and handsome and I was like he's the guy he comes in in neon pink converse sneakers like the guy that I just told everyone straight as an arrow alpha male

he's like this is gonna be perfect and I was like god shit like the high top ones they almost look like little leggings like little Robin Hood men and tights like they're all up on his ankle and shit but he of course killed it and you know uh made it happen but um but that was and then Michael Patrick King who wrote Sex in the City was looking for someone to make a sitcom with and he was talking to a bunch of you know because he started as a stand-up actually he used to go on the road with Don Marrera wow Michael Patrick King he has the most amazing stories about how one night um uh Don Marrera because you know he didn't have any money for food or anything and one night Don Marrera slid some spaghetti under his hotel room door like or like through his door but there

was no fork so Tom gave him like this little thing of spaghetti like somewhere outside Philly where they were touring and he just had to sit there and eat spaghetti with his hands but it was still the nicest that's that's that's it no fork it was no fork yeah and uh and anyway and then he was and I went in and I mean Michael Patrick King was like you know I mean he did Sex in the City which you know for me was just kind of a big deal because I liked it I really enjoyed it I really enjoyed it I learned very early on that women should be competitive with women that's what I learned I think that's what happens when you have a dad who cheats and you see a mom who's freaking out and who's that and da da da da and Sex in the City was therapeutic for me because it just it

was just showed me women getting along and I like I just needed to see that because I had a sister and we didn't get you know my mom I like it just was tricky so it was just therapeutic for me in a lot of ways um and uh anyway so he was taking all these meetings I went in I had like six hundred dollars I went to Neiman Marcus and Beverly Hills and I bought a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes because he had done Sex in the City you know the show with all the fancy clothes and the fancy shoes so I went you know Louboutin's the Red Bottoms are very important right I went and bought a pair of Christian Louboutin's I drove to the Warner Brothers parking lot and they were in the car next to me and I um put them on but I put tape on the bottoms so that the red wouldn't because I was

going to return them you know I was just I just bought them just for the meeting and then I go into the meeting I go to the bathroom I take the tape off we sit down you know I cross my leg so he can see the red bottom you know so I'm trying to impress him and uh I don't know why I thought that would get me a writing job I just so badly didn't want him to know how broke I was you know I wanted him to think that I was like successful at making it or whatever yeah and then um we had the meeting you know it was interesting I wasn't prepared for how funny he was because you know we're comics like I was like I'm gonna kill this meeting and then he was like really quick and funny and I was like oh shit like it kind of threw me off I didn't know he was a comic you know and um

so I was sort of thrown off by the fact that he was funny and it was like almost like this Penn and Teller situation was like oh shit like I just wasn't talking because I was panicked and then I pitched a couple things that I think he liked and on the way out I knew I had bombed the meeting and I I closed the door and then I popped back in and I said to him hey I know you're not gonna give me this job but just please have me at the table read it I'll punch up the script and I closed the door and that was it and then I went and I took the shoes off and I walked barefoot to my car and I went to Neiman Marcus to return the shoes for that I need that 600 bucks back and then he asked for a second meeting and I was really prepared the second time and he gave

me the job and he's like I knew you had to have the job when you said to me I know you're not gonna give me the job but just had me come in and do punch up on it and he's like I knew you had just the perfectly low amount of self-esteem to where you would be funny and be able to do this I thought you were one of the creators yeah we created it together I thought you had based it off of your experiences both of us yeah both of us yeah it was both of us so the cat Denning's character cat is very much kind of my background and his too you know like we kind of made these two characters like morph them based on our back because him and I are very similar he grew up you know very similar than I did you know so similarly than I did and I and yeah we created these two

characters and um sort of built a show and I think people responded to it because it was about money it wasn't two girls being like did he call me back we need to get makeovers like man it was two girls like how are we gonna pay our taxes we don't have this money how are we gonna get our teeth fixed we don't have health insurance you know it was it was really relatable I watched a couple episodes it's really I mean look it's I thought it was about you I thought it was very semi biographical I thought it might mind I'm like Whitney must have been a waitress in New York I didn't know about it yeah no I had a lot I mean a lot of that is I mean it was like so many the stories because when I first moved out to LA I had you know no money so funny the other day I

was on a tv set and one of the sound guys said that he had used to work at Pink Dot and he's like yeah I used to work at Pink Dot and I was like oh god you know so much about me and he's like yeah I do because I used to go into Pink Dot on Sunset which is right next to the comedy store I lived right up on Miller Drive before I even got spots at the comedy store I would just drive around because I wanted to live near the comedy store because I was like I want to be able to walk there every night and so I before I might have even been before I ever did stand up and I got an apartment right up Miller Drive you know you go to Las Vegas on Sunset right up there got an apartment right there and so I would go to Pink Dot every night and I had like $15 usually I

was hovering about like $15 for a couple years now I would go into Pink Dot and I would buy Oberto turkey jerky because you could eat it for a couple days you know when you sort of have solution that you're actually eating when you're not and it got so gross that I started buying maple syrup and putting maple syrup on it and so I would every three days go to Pink Dot and I would buy Oberto turkey jerky I can't believe I'm telling you this and maple syrup and the guy would just be like I mean looking his eye was just like do you need help like should we call like child service it like should we like do a food drive for you and I would see the sort of pain in his face about it um and I would get like protein bars you know like I would show up with like quarters

and I'd be like how many can I get a and then I have to pull something away you know I'd say like can I get two of these and I didn't have enough and I go okay I guess just one of these and he used to watch it and he like gave me this huge hug like this was like three weeks ago it's crazy how you that those struggles you'll never ever forget never like I still remember living across from not Chibo Chibo and Sunset Quintetia down more down two blocks what's the Brazilian place oh Lala's no Lala's if you stay on Sunset you hit boss and Nova boss and Nova I used to live across the street from boss and Nova if you went down no and I I remember waking up there broke just waking up hung over from the store broke I would get up brush my teeth take a

shower with the store paying $15 bar back in the spot you hustled Mexican rooms Felipe Esparza all yeah yeah George Perez yeah had rooms all over so you could do two rooms pick up a buck 25 yeah 40 60 here but I still remember walking on Sunset across from what's the big big big Israeli restaurant Aroma Aroma Aroma love that place across from Aroma was a gas station and his name was like Jaime and Jaime was a one-man operation he would come out and check your oil and pump so I'll always stand by the shadows and I would always wait for him to go out and pump gas and I'd run and stick my hand behind the counter and take a pack of cigarettes whatever they were winstrel uh menthol whatever the fuck it was that was my shot nope maybe if I

got lucky I could take more bro and I would take a soda and a bag of like what were you talking about the night those onion things onions and fun onions oh those are good those are my breakfast yeah that was it walking on Sunset and then I go to Joshua's house and hopefully he would make turkey burgers he used to buy frozen turkey burgers and I go over there for lunch help him do dishes watch the kids and we eat frozen fucking turkey burgers if I got any money at all I would go to Wendy's and they had the dollar menu and I would get the chili and the baby junior like that was it those little yeah the cheeseburger and the chili but that's what I that's there were all stories that we ended up putting in two burger girls like when I got first moved

out here I started doing focus group testing you know they say hey for $50 you show up and you tell us what you think of this night cream or this whatever and I remember I would do them for like Neutrogena like they send you the product like a week in advance and you use it for like a week and then you show up and they give you cash you know so it's it's think about the kind of person who's showing up for cash 50 but you know it's me in a bunch of like methods you know it's people that need cash like they're they don't want to check they might end up a bank account and I don't ever have a bank account because I would get those overcharge fees so I couldn't because I kept getting fucked on those you know you have seven dollars you do an overcharge and then if they

charge you 50 bucks or something so I would just keep cash in an envelope I remember and um and I go to those focus groups and one time I was uh doing one and I guess I just like I wanted to do a good job you know like I was a dork like and it was like a face scrub like machine you know that you scrub your face with and I was like because I was getting like free shit on top of it and I remember being in the focus group one day and they're like so what did everyone think and I was like we loved it we loved it great you know can we can we get our cash and I was like you know I feel like if the if the handle was like I was like actually trying to like do a good job and everyone would just be like this bitch like everyone hated me because I actually would everyone just want

to get their cash and get the fuck out of there you know so I would do that I would do like clinical trials I used to do Buffalo exchange you know the store Buffalo exchange you go you take your clothes and you try to sell them you know you can get you know someone's like so I haven't sold my eggs I knew a chick who sold her eggs and she ended up crazy I was thinking about it like 80 dicks had a restrainer for selling her eggs yeah she went crazy because they put her on some she was because the hormone she was a waitress at the lab factory and she was very nice but she was a fan of the comedy store so I'll never forget like I never like she was a young girl and I even just she would come to the comedy store and get good money for your eggs we would just talk to her at

the store and she liked doing drugs she smoked pot so one night she came to the store she's like who has an eight ball up in this motherfucker and I'm like what are you talking about because I want to buy an eight ball I go hold on two we sell her an eight ball and I go where'd you get the money she goes I hit the jackpot I've been selling my eggs and all this shit those eight ball eggs those eight ball eggs so we went over to fucking that hotel across the street from the Rouse that's that's on the renovation this is when it was okay central I know now it's like a vegan place so we would go to pink dots get a case of beer yep and run over there she paid for the hotel and like three of us stayed up all night doing coke but she kept telling us how she would

sell her eggs and they were giving her this and but then she didn't stop I guess she's supposed to stop selling your eggs you do them once or twice I don't know exactly I'm gonna get you have to get crazy I don't want to get in trouble right and the hormone shots put her over the fucking top like she ended up robbing the lab factory she escaped with a comic you know she got knocked up and she mugged him oh and they left him tied up in the rooms I'm not kidding you I wish I was kidding you I forget who the comic was this chick disappeared I like her I like tops came around like a month later asking questions about her she went that's pretty badass the fucking rails is she still around no I haven't this is 2003 2004 people do weird shit here

like I let I just love the idea of these waitresses or managers these people that are around for two years you know 10 15 years ago who saw the most epic shit who are like now you know in Bakersfield married have a normal life and you're like you know shit that would just be like a number one best-selling book but they're just living normal life somewhere else you know people that get in comedy and then they get out did you ever walk through the comedy store like I was just thinking about this year if you ever walk up to the comic store if you go up to Mitzi's office before you get to Mitzi's office there's an office and that office used to be her accountant really and supposedly when he quit he had to tell our story about Mitzi and the show is how to pay him down something

weird I don't know the whole I forget the guy's name I brought up to something like yeah where is that guy yeah he had like Harvey Weinstein type shit when the store like wherever you if you're listening sir wait you're welcome on the podcast anytime you know this accountant guy oh yeah I think he died there was a couple guys that were giving her trouble the guy that ran La Jolla was down there for a long time towards the end he did some interview and once she started getting paranoid like that she started ice some people then he got iced for writing the book then they paid him off then he died then his wife showed up with the book and they had to pay the wife something weird I don't know all the fucking story you know I'm just tell all stories that the people you know

it's funny when you meet people on the road now like I lived in LA for three years right you're like what did you do on I was Mitzi's assistant for and you're like no I bumped into somebody who was somebody big's assistant on the show like not their assistant like uh he worked on a show and I bumped into him this year in Kansas City and he was like I fucking hated it if I ever see that guy again I will fucking kill him because you think of now what you did at that age yeah you think about what shit you took from people at that age like the first 10 years I was here I kept my mouth shut pretty much kept my mouth shut I didn't say shit if I went to a set you said something to me even though it's a little bit offensive I would brush it off like and then once I stopped doing

drugs I said before I was a comic I'm a man so you gotta take me like a man and I went on a set one night to do a Hardee's commercial Hardee's Carl's Jr commercial and we had a shoot in fucking Long Beach and it was an SUV and it was two mafia guys we pulled over when we go to fucking see the guy the guy's already been shot he hasn't been shot he just ate an Arby's fucking Carl's Jr chicken Parmesan sandwich which will kill you anyway I love to just come right out of your ass and when he bit into it the blood hit his shirt so when we get to the car he just nods so the other guy says to me I'm the end to look at that end though and then we go we get to the fuck out of that that was the commercial so we had a shoot in Long Beach and that was the first time ever that I came back

into being myself when I realized that I had been in that life too long it doesn't really matter what comes out of your mouth as long as you're a great comic but stick to your guns that's right stick to your guns show people because we live in a town that if you do open your mouth they say you're troubled to work with if you say excuse me excuse me I grew up in New York and nobody would use this word you think I could use this to go no use it as it's written yep that's a period not a comma I'm not using it I'm doing this way and then they'll stop and say are you a problem to work with no I'm just giving you the best I can yeah are you from New York bitch no you're from fucking Kentucky I'm born and raised in New York what the fuck are you talking about this is the word when I did the

Lewis Guzman project me and the director were almost like blows over a word that I said but Mexicans Puerto Ricans don't use that word it's also like I'm helping you I'm helping you're gonna get credit for the thing I'm doing why would you want to yeah I kept saying I call amigo amigo that's a Mexican word yeah Puerto Ricans on 150 you should don't say amigo I mean dog the guy the next day I got there they Lewis Guzman and the director and like the EP were like I hear yesterday you would trouble something to work with I go no I just recommend the line the same way I did it the audition yep the line I said that you stole from me and put it on yourself because I wanted the audition improvised yeah you stole it I figured I'd use the line and they're like no it's ended

with that don't bring it up no more like okay I don't pilot shoot I still didn't say amigo you know me though you got the wrong mother fuck I said the word I thought it was supposed to be was like premium turns into like a power play after the show the director came up to me and looked me in the face and he's like you know what I'm slated to shoot three pilots at Fox next year if I see a headshot I'll rip them all up and I looked at them like go fuck like I didn't say it cool well guess what the show got picked up and it got fired it got taken down at the four episodes because Fox has no time for that shit and three nights later who do I see at the comedy store but the director and when he saw me he just stopped in his tracks and I looked at them I go

if you would have used the word I told you your show was still but on tv asshole and he just froze and looked at me and just eyeballed me till I went until the original you know it's so it's like the only people I trust are comics like when I have comics come in and do shows I'm like just let them do let them do comics no comics it's like you cannot yes some people had bad behavior that's not what that was like like we're in the field we're doing the field research for you we're making your life easier like let us come in and tell you what works and what doesn't like we have that gut instinct you know like the best have you ever seen anything like that have you ever seen anybody who goes this is the line but do what you do literally he's the most

and he's like I hired you here because I think you're the best person yeah I'm now going to leave you alone and let you shine you've never seen anything like that you're like this guy nobody works harder than this guy we did a movie in New Mexico one of his Netflix movies he was in a native in Santa Fe I think so how great was that hotel Santa Fe that one that with the pool in the middle gorgeous what it's called with the flute um uh it's like it's like a resort a resort yeah tremendous gorgeous gorgeous the air is like food's amazing I'm with Swartz in and it's just a blast and so uh we're on set Adam is the star of the movie he's in a Native American Indian costume the hat the thing the whole thing and he's like running around placing extras he's he's reading the script

for his next movie he's like pitching jokes like I I I've never seen anything like it nothing like it and nothing he gives you three options and if you're a joke mason that's the joke they go with yeah with me no ego I wouldn't that after the third week I finally stopped looking at the scenes because it didn't really matter no and then we would do it didn't really matter we do the scene yeah and then if if if it wasn't he'd go oh let's just change it what do you do that what do you think do you have a joke there like do you want let's like it was just the most fun collaborative it was like doing um you know just a little fucking web video like fucking around and they're like oh millions of people are gonna watch this like he he he he it's not it doesn't feel like a

big production with a bunch of pressure there's no executives around it's like all his friends yeah that's why he shoots out he shoots out for the first six or seven so he gets a grip going then he comes back for three or four yeah white people show up he's nice to them it was love it's and and and schneider and all his friends and that's the easiest way to do a fucking movie the most loyal scrape I did a locker room scene with him when I was I was 400 pounds and I'm sitting in I'm like man my favorite baseball my favorite one of my favorite movies is major league yeah the cuban guy major league wore a jock and I said what if I would wear a jock and I'll never forget he was talking to these two white kids from syracuse you know with suits on vps of

entertainment somewhere I had him and the dudes like and Adam's like hold on what's up Joey I go listen for this locker room scene I'm gonna wear a thong he's like why I gotta wear a thong like Serrano did major league and he's like hold on the people like he can't the ratings it's no he won't because it was either R rated a PG what's it say I can't see it was either R rated I think it's probably PG-13 so they were like we don't know if you could leave your dick out and I'm like I'm not gonna leave my dick out I'm just a jockstrap you haven't done fat fuck with a jockstrap and they kept yelling at him and Bernardi the executive producer's name was Michael Bernardi and they kept saying we don't think this is right and Adam looked me straight and he goes go for it

and then when I went and I and this is what I do I made the fucking guys come around me they took my clothes off right in front of everybody in the locker room and put the jock on balls ass and they give a fuck Adam loved me even more for that he was like that's tremendous brave can I tell you I uh had a dog bite my ear off it was like two years ago came off hanging down had to get its own back on I go to like a Hollywood it was like some Hollywood party like I couldn't not go and I had I still had the injure I still had it wrapped and it was whole thing and I had like a Santa hat on I just showed up in a Santa hat like no one will know like no big deal and someone there knew and made like a scene of it like Whitney got her ear bitten off by a dog you know and I was

like oh shit so it's like everybody at the party like knew about it like all these like Hollywood people and I'm kind of talking about it and I'm on painkillers and this whole thing and I actually ended up leaving the party kind of early because I was embarrassed it's weird I find like as a comic like when I'm on stage I'm super comfortable with attention obviously but at social events like I'm not great I get awkward and I don't want a lot of it if I'm not doing stand-up I actually don't love attention I get weird and uncomfortable and I don't like being the center of attention if I don't have something to offer back I just get confused and anyway so I left the party the next day I mean there were maybe 200 people at the party they probably all knew about it I get an email

from Adam Sandler hey are you okay is there anything I can do how's your ear like he didn't have to do that you know like he saw through the bit of like oh it's fine and I was like sort of trying to minimize it and making jokes and stuff and he like sends me an email the next day to ask me if he can do anything like it was just it meant so much to me it was just such a human thing to do he's a he's a different dude I still got Christmas cards from him like why did I don't get invited to the Christmas parties no more because I cause havoc when you're the one with ice skating and the bowling what did you do do people know I mean for your lizard this is a party that is like it's like when I first moved to LA it was like the part like you had to go to the the like it's

still go I just don't the happy madison christmas steven dorf is there yeah you know all the fucking hot david spade is there like that's like hollywood food and you go and it's like it's like a mall yeah and there's bowling there's ice skating there's like in every executive everyone hollywood's there you have like check in like you're going to a fucking lakers game like it's a big deal and the fact that you were too rowdy to go back no I wasn't rowdy I some shit went down and obviously since I was five feet from it I took the blame like right away like I was the one that was involved like something happened misunderstanding with two broads over bowling shoes you know me I don't know nothing I took my wife I was there my wife it's weird so it was just

really weird I didn't get along with one of his executive producers like I got along with Michael Bernardi I loved Adam Adam was my dog so one of the producers he had was not his producing partner anymore me and him had had beef you know so it was rough on the longest shot but he put me in a couple more movies after that always giving me nice respect always been a great guy I see him maybe once every 18 months at the store he stops he gives me a hug I don't ask him I love to special I could write a letter bro it's not bad yeah I watched this for like for first 20 minutes but he's all talent guys I was just like you know it was also just like I'm dancing I'm laughing oh they're getting 15 million too so I'd be up to dancing banging a fucking drum I'd be doing

everything 15 and I don't and look and my next special is definitely very like there's a lot of heavy shit in it whatever but it's like I think the days of just like innocent comedy are starting to kind of you know now it's like you gotta make a statement you have to make a political statement you have to like move the needle on social progress you can't say this you can't it was just kind of nice to watch a special that was just like we're here to laugh I'm not here to lecture you I'm not here to yell at you like I'm just here to make you laugh and enjoy it was I was dazzled it was like I felt like a kid watching it you know the last time you won rogan was one three months and before that one wasn't like every six four six months weird because I don't know if it was his

last one the one before you spoke about the transition you hadn't made in your life you had gone through a big transition I don't know if you went to therapy you all you were talking about how when you went to a place and somebody gave you a gift you would have a hard time like why is this person giving me a gift receiving drives me crazy drives me crazy if you give me a gift if I even let you give it to me I have to wait till you leave to even open it it drives me crazy and then you realize that you are providing us like today we got three great posters somebody sent three great Clint Eastwood posters Italian fucking that's beautiful like one like that I already got me that one because you know that's my favorite movie of all time but this guy sent

me Italian versions of it three of them so I only got them framed in New York makes me play I have my brother frame what we talking about the gifts getting gifts when I watched that podcast I was going through a lot right before the Netflix special something happened to me I don't know what it was something happened to my stand up I had spoken to you one day and we spoke about flappers now we couldn't do material at the store and I was kind of I was happy with my Netflix set but I wasn't I had something was missing and then the day it just it didn't matter it all went away like two weeks after I shot the Netflix special and that's when you were on the podcast and I watched it you were going through and it was like I was going through the same shit you were going

through I was going through the because it is the gift of acceptability accepting what's going on sometimes just moves quick yeah and your mind don't have the process the time you know one minute you're at the store next minute you're in a lot we Christopher walking at CBS yeah and somebody's asking you what do you want minty or lemon minty from Europe with a lime of twist and you're like you're talking about I was at the store last night talking about eating some fucking midget ass home and I'm here with Christopher Walkman and you're asking me if I want to eat you know what I'm saying you know how much of a do you have any idea how much of a shift that is that people and I'm not putting anybody down but it's not like one day you're on you're working on a construction

job and the next day Trump comes on your job yeah it's it's it's or Trump or somebody who you're a fan of so for us sometimes just moves just a little bit too fast and we got to slow it down thank god thank god that you yourself and your higher power or whoever you're depending on puts the brakes on one day when you're on the 101 and you're about to get off lower canyon in two miles and you're like why is there two lower canyon exits but there's really just one in two miles you I wasn't accepting things I wasn't accepting the Netflix special I couldn't accept why I was selling out shows yeah I couldn't accept the fact that Whitney wants to take a fucking picture of me at the comedy store I can't affect I can't accept the fact that this guy not Lee I'm saying this

guy just came up to me had tears in his eyes and said because of me and Whitney talking about her dad and my mom or my mom and her mom being out he's day-to-life changed you can't wrap your arms around that shit when somebody hugs you and says amen that conversation you and Whitney had fucking made me go to Al-Anon yeah like I wrote a book and in it I talk about my struggles with addiction and eating disorders and all the stuff and yeah now I have people coming up to me like I read your book and now I'm in a thing and I got out of an abusive relationship and I just am like it's and it's hard because it's so much pressure in that moment because they need so much from you or they need some kind of reaction from you and you

don't want to reject them or ice them or be awkward or go like set about example of not being able to receive so it's so hard when it happens in airports it happens it happens a lot and you're just like thank you so much like you know and I don't know what to say and I feel this shame come up and this embarrassment and this like I don't deserve this I can't see that's it I was having the same but if you really knew me and it's imposter syndrome of like if you really knew me if you really knew me that I ate honey on maple syrup on top of a midget's basil you wouldn't you wouldn't be taking this picture so and then I want to go no no no I'm actually a phony I'm a fraud I'm I'm so full of shit I still do horrible things like and then I feel like I'm being dishonest or

something I get really confused by that dynamic you know I think you know I've just been a dirtbag for so long it's like when you when people see you it's up you're like put you on a pedestal you're like no no I don't belong here I don't belong here throw me back in coach go watch bill burr what do you bother me yeah what yeah go watch Sebastian that's real comedy what do you bother me and then you make them feel bad for liking you and they're like fuck you like yeah I don't know how to handle it either yeah you just took away this moment from me by self deprecating and having low self-esteem and then um uh I realized like okay this isn't about you like you can be of service to this person in this moment and just let them have their experience with you and just

kind of do nothing because they'll project onto you whatever they need just shut your mouth say thank you don't argue with them don't tell them all the reasons that you don't deserve their attention don't self deprecate take the photo be gracious and walk away it's it's been really difficult for me to receiving compliments whoa I gotta ask you one last thing I know you got shit to do and motherfuckers to see do they be able to tell you a half a psychic what does that mean I mean how the fuck did you know to abandon ship on rosanne a week before the ship went down I mean if I can't ask you that you can ask me whatever you want Joey I understand for legal ram I don't know if there's no legal anything um no I I mean it's weird because I guess there were lots of tweets before I just

didn't see them like even when you know like how did the whole rosanne thing come about I was gonna say I don't want to be boring and waste your time on it but like no when after the election happened um this kind of full circle to what we were first talking about like when the election happened it was just you know I think every regardless of who you voted for regardless of who you support it was like whoa like this is crazy and my family started breaking apart and I very little family left it was like my aunt wouldn't talk my uh and I mean and everyone's fighting and I was just like this is fucking crazy Facebook just turned into fuck you fuck I was like damn like something just changed something shifted and I've always been a little bit disgruntled about Hollywood in general

and feeling like an outsider in Hollywood very like I want to write about like you know middle class people like working class problems I want to write about paying bills and everyone was like you should write about her getting married and it was like who wants to see that you know like I just never understood that sort of elite storytelling because I grew up poor and that's just not my experience and I can only write what I know and I always loved rosanne it's always a really big fan and Michelle Obama had done a conference call and she had a bunch of show runners and producers on it I'm jumping around I know but she said that the metrics were in and who like Obama or not it doesn't matter the point the point is the method this research just happened to have come through her

that is objective which is that they can now link the passage of marriage equality to the show will and grace so for people that might not have gay friends or no gay couples like they could you know have that show in their living room you know once a week and they felt more tolerant and more accepting that you know gay people have problems just like us and they fail and they have heartbreak and they have you know triumphs and you know so that was helpful and she was like you know so please in your tv shows just keep that in mind that like television can move the needle on social change and awareness and I was like oh that was that's interesting because I thought that we were just a bunch of like frivolous narcissistic selfish people like you know like at our tv shows

you know I always kind of felt like guilty about my job choice and indulgent or something so I was like oh that's cool like that's what rosanne did you know and um because I mean rosanne dealt with some heavy shit I mean there was an episode where dj wouldn't kiss the black girl in the play yeah that was tremendous tremendous and then jackie the domestic violence episode which I mean this isn't a sitcom you know jackie got knocked in the face you know so there was a lot of really amazing and and I just john goodman is you know were you a fan of the show what was going on okay huge did you ever see the larry king interview with her with her back then no about four years ago I don't think so that's the one where she said that uh see if you were to watch that interview I would

have known yeah she said that uh Oprah kidnapped her and put sensors in her brain to try to steal her ideas but she said something wow that was so fucking brilliant and that whole conversation that I'll never forget and it gives me even more pride of being in our rated comic I don't give a fuck he asked her about the show in 8070 he goes why did you throw the abc executives out of your christmas party and 80 said you heard about that yeah she asked him and she goes I'll tell you why because she goes they didn't know shit she goes I'm a fucking comic and when you're a comic you direct you produce you write you do it all yeah they wanted the number one show I gave them the number one show we beat fucking Cosby and his perverts over there and now they wanted to come

and take all the credit so I threw them all the fuck out after they said don't do the black kid show don't do the all the most genius stuff they said I respect her I respect her all the way you know I'm still not mad at her today you know she started in Denver I started did she I don't think I knew that yeah she's in Denver that's why she was blowing up that's like I still remember me in the honor because of the Roseanne success comedy in Denver is now a boom and you could take classes and that's when I went into classes 91 I started right off the heels of Roseanne fucking killing explode just explode and look and yeah so I didn't know and I knew about you know she admitted to having some psychological limitations I have a lot of that in my life

and my family like I'm never gonna judge someone for that or make fun of them for that or not work with them because of that and you know I heard she was like you know a Bernie supporter and then voted for this and I was just fascinated but you know without having any judgments like I think you should be able to work with somebody even if you don't necessarily agree with them yeah you know it was just sort of like yeah it was just like oh shit this is gonna get rebooted at a time when all of this is happening in the zeitgeist like I can be a part of something that people are gonna actually watch because most people don't watch shit let's just be honest like a lot of tv shows like like you know there's there's we're in this echo chamber where we watch our shows and

we all pat ourselves on the back at look how great these shows are but like a lot of the shows that are doing really well are these multi cams that people in Hollywood kind of make fun of and are really sort of glib about like oh the CBS multi cams and da da da it's like all right well those are things people are watching so this is a democracy why aren't we listening to the people that we're entertaining you know it's like being a comic and you're bombing but just like moving forward with a shitty bit that's not even working you know they yelling it was pussy joke yeah and they're like how am I talking about drums well let's talk about yeah uh Thoreau's pond it's like what the fire like so for me I'm wired as a comic to just go like what do people

actually want and like let's go from there and multi cams you know we're always um such a big part of my life so this whole like like people not liking multi cams makes no sense they're all the shows that we grew up on and are still our favorite we're still watching Seinfeld and friends they're still like the highest rated shows like no one's making new good ones um for and that's what people want anyway so I thought you know what I can't say no to this opportunity I mean she's one of my comedy heroes this was one of the best multi cams I want to learn how to make good multi cams because it's really hard it's a science to not make it look corny and make the lighting suck like it always felt like a play you know there were drama moments there was lots of silence you

notice with the shows now it's like joke joke joke everything someone says is a joke they will go a minute without a joke you know they were eating they had cereal boxes out it was messy the set design you know you look at sitcoms now it always looks like a fake sort of like store window there was like the wardrobe they would wear the same clothes a couple times they really honored the reality of being working class and a lot of shows even if there's a show about a poor person they're wearing fancy clothes and it's just doesn't feel authentic and so I just was just fascinated by how they did that everything from the set design to the acting to the writing to the camera work to the lighting and casting and the wardrobe so I just thought like I had this

is how I'm going to make sense of this moment in time and you know got Wanda Sykes and Norm McDonald and Morgan Murphy and all these incredible writers and then we paired up with a lot of the writers that were on the original Roseanne you know Bruce Helford and Bruce Rasmussen and Dave Kaplan and all these guys and um and I just I wanted to expose myself to point of views that I didn't hold or necessarily even agree with or understand because then you're not growing what are you doing if you're just hanging out with only people that agree with you you just get stupor you know what I mean and you get narcissistic and you're and I was just like felt like I was in my echo chamber my version of doing it a couple years ago is I just like went to Vietnam for two weeks

you know I just like try to get out of my sort of little bubble and um and again I was a fan of Roseanne I didn't follow her on Twitter um I didn't find out till later that there were lots of old tweets and look you know again like if you're being crazy and not hurting anybody like that's none of my business I'm not going to hold you accountable for that I didn't know about the drama and the Nazi photo and the Hillary pizza parlor like I just didn't know about it because I just didn't follow her and then it started to become very clear that the tweeting was a big problem and I had been trying to convince everyone to shut that down for a while to no avail but I also didn't want to silence a comment you know it's not my job to tell you to stop saying whatever

you believe so I was in this kind of really tricky situation where it's like oh I'm going to tell one of the best performers in the world to stop like having her creative outlet like that's arrogant so it just became clear that it was just going to continue to be really hard and unnecessarily controversial and um I just wanted to slowly kind of back out of the burning building and then well it was it was actually like a couple months you know it leaked to the press because I didn't want to make a drama out of it I didn't want to be a news story that I was leaving because I was really only going to do one season anyway I just wanted to do the one season back because I was just doing other things and touring and stuff but um I'm still really

glad I did it I mean it's heartbreaking what happened um and frustrating and I was really angry for a while I'm not angry anymore I'm kind of just more like sad well I'm going to tell you something and this is what a lot of people understand I got here in 97 and by 97 there were two people they wanted to kill Roseanne was one of them and Grace on the fire Grace on the fire pissed them off so much that canceled that bitch with 98 episodes they wouldn't even let it go in this indication because the abuse ABC was getting from those women I was in shock when they rehired Roseanne because I was here to hear all those stories you know it was crazy I saw it she could not have been more lovely to every no she's lovely I know when you tell a comic you don't

think that one moment with the amigo she got that every day all day on her material imagine someone coming to you you tell a story that's been killing for two years and they're like ah could you do it this way and you're like get the fuck out of here this is already killing like it's this is proven to be good what the fuck do you know some executive giving you notes on what's funny you know so she had to endure that for so long and yeah she was struggling with addiction you know there were all sorts of things going on but I was never deterred by that reputation you know because I had a modicum of a moment where I had my own show and I've tasted like you know one one hundredth of what she had to deal with and I was like I get it what's in the future for you

beautiful especially breaking motherfucking hearts on a daily basis and shit you're still breaking hearts trying to get funny enough to follow you at the comedy show that's the least of your you got a boyfriend I have a fiance congratulations thank you I didn't know that that weird nothing gonna ask I don't give a fuck yeah he's gonna need it you've never seen me do stand up how long you've been with him almost two years hey never want to see you just never see me do it live yeah that's his best bet isn't that funny I don't want him to love him I do I do are you ready to get married I think I am like I'm trying not to overthink it kids I froze my eggs so I think maybe you know I didn't ever want kids and then my dad died and I was like oh I want something that looks

like him in some way you know like the concept of like procreating became sort of more of a like calling that I never felt before I was like I have dogs I have horses like I'll just do that I'll adopt a kid let needs a home you know like I always thought I would adopt a kid but then after my dad passed away I had this weird like so I want an adopt yeah that's a good idea right that's a great family I wish you nothing but look when I when I talk to people about you you know what I would love to show Whitney Cummings my balls because you probably get up told me to put mine away and put yours on the table and they'd be bigger than mine so you did say that to me once they gave me so much strength you have you have all the respect

and admiration from me I love you congratulations on your wedding and whatever you're gonna do and whatever you want to come back and talk shit about your and I wish that if this goes further with Fox I get you involved with this I'll do anything I'm like I'm with you and I'm gonna be aggressive about it too like please please let me come both with CAA yeah no but I'll just come to the table reads and I'll just you know I want any insight even if it's just to say don't especially after what you told me today you know what I went through yes you really know what I guess and the network notes and I love there you know my mom used to do two pinatas one for the kids at three o'clock and one for the adults and the adult one she would fill up with a little cocaine

and the kids would be gone the adults would pull the pinata down and mommy would go go in there get the aluminum foils for mommy and I would bring them back for my mother there's your cold open that's your flashbacks yep there it is come on wipe your nose that's it these are all things that only you would understand this fall on fox wipe your nose wipe your nose wipe your fucking hashtag yeah they're all there I'm doing a million fucking dates but I'm shooting my special in DC March 20 something and it's Whitney Cummings.com yeah sorry you never know because gmail.net some people are like hilarious lindsay.net yeah just make it your fucking name get your domain please go to uh Whitney Cummings.com check up her upcoming dates she's one of the goods

she's one of the ladies in the comedy store who destroys who's in the lineup with fucking killers on a Tuesday night most women would stay home and watch orange is a new purple she comes down to the fuck people up so in my world you get all the respect that you I I'm ultimately what's he say what's the end of what's grease I'm not a fool for Whitney return around and wait for you you're a good singer where's Altamie what was that song oh I just know grace lightning or something oh oh oh uh hopelessly when they're singing on that fucking rock that's me I love you I love you I feel like this wasn't I feel like I'm never funny on podcasts and then I I'm gonna beat myself up in the car for like two hours after this no no you know I should have been funny or I should have

only a funny story I love you thank you very much Whitney Cummings.com she's family give her whatever she wants and that's it I want to thank Whitney I want to thank the christ killer his mom's coming to town he's all happy cool from where boston cool so you guys are having a great time next week and I'm your uncle Joey I love you motherfuckers we won't be around next week you have a rough week without me because I'm gonna be in new york city with my family but we might do something maybe Thursday just to keep you on ice with me and Leah bored and leave sick of his mom by that can you please just do a video of you and your mom oh absolutely yeah I'm trying to get her to start a podcast oh good I'll do it I just yeah just a mom advice one yeah the attorney's that's

actually a really good idea to tell her that yeah she's nervous no but that's good and don't forget you after christmas motherfuckers where are you that week or you're in Portland after first week I'm in Raleigh there's a new club in Raleigh a new one yep not Charlie Goodnights nope uh I think it's an improv oh sorry I should really know my venues but anyway if you've not got nothing to do after christmas the 27 28 29th I'm up in Oxnard at Liberty live and that's it and that's that all right I want to thank Whitney Cummings I want to thank the flying Jew aka the christ killer aka the momo savant aka leah not a space aka my little brother for helping him out and I want to thank you guys for always having our backs and supporting this like I said if you came to Ahoy you guys saw

a great show lead did great Eric Rocha did great uh me I don't know what the fuck I do I get up there I do what I do but I want to thank you guys for all your support throughout the year but hold on one second I want to talk to you about a couple things first of all Robin Hood is an investment app that lets you buy and sell stocks etfs options cryptos or commission free it's a non intimidating way for stock market newcomers to invest for the first time with true confidence simple and intuitive intuitive it's a clear design with data presented in an easy to digest way all right number one and this is how this is how easy this is there's no commission fees other brokerages charge up to ten dollars for every trade but Robin Hood does not charge commission

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the kickoff this is how you kick off a year Robin Hood is giving the church family a free stock like apple for the sprint to help build your portfolio gratis free sign up at church dot Robin Hood dot com that's church dot Robin Hood dot com when you think the perfect gift you probably don't think of an electric toothbrush but the quip electric toothbrush is one of the most gift guided gifts of the season here's why it's perfect for everyone with a mount and it's something they'll use twice every day listen me and my wife we love it you plug it in it takes one charge every i don't know what the 30 days or something like that don't matter especially if you're a traveler quip is the way to go why as sonic vibrations gentle enough on your sensitive gums and a built-in timer with

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a good gift for you quip has been great to be in my wife and with over 5 000 verified star reviews you can't go wrong quip on the outside it looks like a big ticket tech gift but with the stocking stuff at price starting at 25 dollars and if you go to get quip dot com slash joey right now you'll get your first refill pack for free with a quip electric toothbrush but you don't have to tell you're gifted at all right merry christmas spread some cheer this year go to get quip dot com slash joey right now and start cleaning your mouth and give the gift a clean mouth so from now on you don't get shot in the face with bad breath you know i'm saying because bad breath will kill you too i also want to thank i want to talk to you people about something it's that time of the year enough

is enough for the last 30 years your asshole's been stinking like a billy goat and this can't continue because you're a filthy fucking eight i got my issues too my ass is no fucking wonderland either that's why i got a tushy dot com let me tell you something hello tushy is the number one provider of portable bidets takes you 10 minutes to put it on you can have hot or cold water as far as a 60 day guarantee you can wipe your ass with it because it's held my stinky ass for fucking three years you understand me so if it could hold my 300 pound stinky fucking muffler can you imagine what the wonders it'll do for your nice simple asshole you're a nice guy you eat fucking kale you eat you take honet products but anyway hello tushy is one of the

best gifts you could give somebody because they started 69 fucking dollars listen 69 dollars listen 69 dollars they come in all colors they got little turkish towels for you to drive your little muffler after that you you put a little taco powder in your ass and later on you stay naked in your fart and the powder goes out of your ass i used to do it all the time in the fourth grade that's why they almost drew me out of catholic school but anyway go to hello tushy dot com right now take a look at the fine selection of the portable bidet you see something you like press in muffler and get 10 off your that's how we're rolling tonight again i want to thank my girl whitney comings i want to thank lian i want to thank you guys for being family and for having my

back i ain't shit but with you guys i got a mother fucking shot i'll see you guys next week or in 10 days but i'll pop up i'll be on the periscope i'll be i'll be around don't worry about nothing i'm like don't need better i want to be around all right i love you guys stay black have a great week get that fucking meal week oh oh She ain't got a brush, no, she ain't got a brush, no Now she's bored with me, she can't hold her clean

She won't leave me alone, she's no more protein Don't try to fight me, let's go, she's looking under my door She's gonna turn on a huge boy, she's gonna turn on a flower She's gonna look like Keo, like Keo She doesn't look like Keo, like Keo She can't hold her clean, she's got a brush, no She's got a brush, no, she's got a brush She's gonna turn on a huge boy, she's gonna turn on a flower

She's gonna turn on a huge boy, she's gonna turn on a flower She's a, she's a razor sharp, and she don't get bored She doesn't ask you for votes, why should I call, call back? Oh, I can't give you a guess, okay? You might not make it back She's a razor sharp, and she doesn't look like Keo, like Keo She doesn't look like Keo, like Keo She's got a brush, no, she's got a brush, no She's got a brush, no, she's got a brush, no

She's got a brush, no, she's got a brush, no you