Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #646 - Jimmy Shubert

Episode Date: January 3, 2019

Jimmy Shubert, a comedian with more than 30 years experience and actor seen on "The King Of Queens", joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Jimmy's new special, "Zero Tolerance" will be released on Vimeo on January 15, 2019.  This podcast is brought to you by: Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/muffler for 10% off of your portable bidet order.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 01/02/2019.  

Greetings from podcast Ville the church of what's happened now is brought to you by on it Start the new year all fucking healthy you made resolutions like a fucking mama look didn't you now you got a follow-up on them Start with a little alpha brain a little shroom tech sport give mama a stab and give you some more oxygen Little shroom tech immune take care of yourself. It's a whole new fucking year as Tony Sopranos said be a good friend to yourself Go to honor calm right now and press in church Bam and get 10% off delivered right to your crib now since we're starting a new year of healthy You also want to start the new year with a clean asshole. Let me tell you something

The the fucking internal system it starts with the fucking muffler first once your muffler gets all fucked up It eats you from the inside out the next thing, you know, you're walking around with a tube Why wipe your ass and you left that little peanut on your ass and the skin grows over your ass And now you got fucking problems that shit ends today. Why hello tushy calm is here to rescue you joey What's hello tushy? Hello tushy is a portable bidet. You put your favorite bathroom at the house and After you take that fucking shit of debt you put that fucking water on it sprinkles your ass. Oh Mexican music even though you're fucking French You might be French and also you start here in Mexican music when that water hits your ass

You wipe it down with a little antiseptic forget about it your mufflers clean ready to be licked You understand me go to hello tushy calm and press in muffler boom and get 10% off right now Start the year off healthy and start the year off with a clean asshole. All right, kick that fucking mule Lee what oh Shit It's the fourth of January you bad motherfuckers We're starting out with some real fucking these little brothers the BT express dropping it oh shit Sit motherfuckers it's 2019

What I You fucking give me a what music right here As long as you can This house will cause you get you through the trailer Put this music on what come on and do it do it do it while you're passed out Oh shit It's a church of what's happening now motherfuckers Jimmy

The Christ killer and Uncle Joey coming at you Happy fucking new year you dirty fucking savages. I love you. We made it another fucking you believe we made it another year Did you wake up on the first going what the fuck happened last night and do dick? I stay on my mind my business. I don't want to see nobody. I want to talk to nobody I don't want to get no fucking here beatings Jimmy two shoes shoeberts in the house. What's up, baby? Happy new year direct from fucking Philadelphia my man the Christ killer got his dick sucked on new years like a doctor look Yeah, he called me and I was home alone. He's like you got to do something. I told him you're 30 years old I give my pinky to be 30. I'd be out there man. I'm getting a media

That'd be on my fucking Resolution was New Year's Eve don't jinx me a quiet calamity. Yeah, that's get some gender 30 years old He won't stay in and watch fucking. Well, you watch inside man. I like that. What's an insight man? I forgot how good that was in this movie as soon as you said that to me. I almost went over then dick smack You 30 years old go take a hit of coke or something do something you can't stay in the fucking house You need 30 me. I'm 56. What the fuck do I give a fuck? Yeah, I said those days are going out, you know, okay, I'm saying I'm over it You know, it's like amateur night. Everybody comes out

I was actually surprised like more people aren't like when you're out there doing the clubs You know, it's always a good night, but I'm surprised. I was most people were relatively behaved You know, some people just in the years past you get a hammer just throwing up in the audience Like people start the new year off like that, you know, you know people people really don't know you're young You know people have these new year's party started six, you know, no, you do two bunks of coke At 6 30 you're off and running by 9 o'clock. There ain't no stopping you got fish lips You don't even remember the fucking bell going down. You don't remember nothing And that's what happens to people and I and listen, I'm guilty guilty

I think I did it one year where I got whacked and then I didn't I didn't like getting high on new years I thought it was bad luck to be high. I didn't want cocaine in my nose on the yeah Well, cuz it's a new year. You got new opportunities. You got new things and so that's not my ass off on the first. Yeah January 1st, you know those bowl games. I'd be snorting and whacking off banging one out, but it's so weird how No, like New Year's never really in comedy. I think they taught you to fucking consume it too much I don't like that. I want a comedy club patron to have a good experience. Absolutely There was one particular year

That I was working that never went out of my mind and I felt bad for the consumer in my world I'm not supposed to think of the consumer, but I don't like getting ripped off none of us as consumers Like getting ripped off. So I'm not paying double For a fucking comic I could see yeah, so you give me a shitty piece of salmon that comedy club salmon It's got eyeballs and shit Six eyeballs and it's brown skin, you know or steak at a comedy club. I'm not doing it That's the dumbest fucking thing in the world That's like going to a strip club in order and salmon the guys got pubic hair falling on it and fucking stripper juice and you know

I it just doesn't make sense to me. I don't I always think of the consumer I would I feel you know years ago I got a call from an ex-girlfriend of mine years ago and she said she was going to see Jane Moore and the club She was at was the worst thing ever that they treated her like a piece of meat Yeah, and I always thought about that, you know, I've always thought about How people think as much as I have no empathy a lot of times people might not think I'm empathetic. I'm very empathetic. I remember working with a comic and Me going up to him as a feature act and being a fan of his right

Like wanting to be that guy and going up to him and going there's a bunch of people outside That want to talk to you like 11 people he goes fuck them And I was like that that's a mental note that I'm not gonna have that attitude Absolutely get to that. I don't get it either. There's just little little things that you don't understand. I don't like I Don't like shows where people have to stand I Don't like shows where I have to look at the audience and they look like they're fucking in a bad They're just having a bad experience. Yeah, I don't like putting Because it's not really well you can make 10 more thousand up. I don't care

Yeah, I'd rather not make the money than piss them off and have them come back a second time Yeah, then go I went there and I had a bad experience. I know what clubs I go to that It's a bad experience when I'm there. I could feel it. Yeah, those clubs I'll never go back to like I just won't go back to them Yeah, cuz it's kind of productive what you're trying to do what you're trying to do Everybody in a good mood you try to make them laugh you I mean the whole purpose of your thing is to make them laugh and put them In a great mood and it's really tough to do that if they're jammed in there's no room to move They're like you said they're being you know being charged double or triple what they pay for a normal show and then they throw out

I mean some clubs do it right. Don't get me wrong. There's some clubs that do it right They catered the food in it's top shelf. It's you know and They want everybody have a good experience because I think a lot of clubs think that that's cool Like you're stepping over a dollar to pick up a penny. Yes, that's a big for for one fucking night Those people will never come back never come back again. I had a bad experience. So like you said, it's kind of productive You're right. Some people do it. They like to gouge so it's like price gouging during a natural disaster like people raise the gas like three dollars That's like fuck. Well, you know, it's like why would you do it to people that they're already down?

Why are you kicking them? You know make sure you have a good customer experience plus people to come to your clubs now They have a great customer service. They'll come back again and again. You're building a brand every time I come here I see great comedians. Sometimes I look them up. Sometimes I don't but every time I come to this club I have a great Experience and and that's kind of what you're up against now. I mean, you know, you gotta it's like, you know How many clubs are doing well coming seems to be on a rise and then someone goes and there's a bad experience a club That's one I go to a club and I feel a bad experience. I don't go to that club again I don't yeah, say it publicly enough like that. I just in my mind go if I had a bad experience

They had a bad experience and like I said, you can't make a good, you know Well, you can't make a good deal with a bad person I mean if they don't give a shit about the audience members or I'm having a unique experience Then then didn't find but I mean like you said it's weird But I stand there and shake every hand in the way out and I thank people for coming to see my show and you know Larry the cable guy used to do that. That is essential. That's just they want to meet you They what they had a great experience you shake their hand You come back next time and follow me on social media come back. I mean you want to I mean, that's what it's all about now

You know these these people have become fans of you you want to nurture them and tell them come out and see future shows I mean, I don't know but you're right that the clubs do that and it's kind of kind of creepy, but It's it's weird how what I learned as an open-micer When I went back to Denver in 93 I learned something about business. That was really weird You know, I had a couple guys that all they did all day as comics when it was Huffle Rooms, right? God bless these guys. Yeah, God. God bless these guys They'll always be in my heart because in those days the major clubs wouldn't give you stage time Yeah, you know, they had an open mic once a month on a Sunday and there was 12 people in there

But where you got better with these bar shows where there's a Laker game on or a Bronco game on or a nugget game And you got to go in there and do comedy That's where you learn how to become a comic and then every three weeks you you go to an A-room Yeah, and you figure out how to put your bar set into an A-set now. Yeah, because your bar says a little dirty It's a little bit more rugged But one I remember is from all those sessions where I could always tell the guys that were fans of comedy and Always tell I'm talking about the bar owners. Yeah, I could always tell the bar owners that we're in it for business Like a karaoke, right? I didn't want to do business with them, right? I wanted people that would say to me. Hey, you know

Can you get Jimmy Schubert in here? Wow, you know Jimmy Schubert is yeah, my favorites Bill Hicks Like those are the comedy club owners that you want to do college with yeah Because they care about the art form and then two weeks going in there Well, come in for a second. Can you get me fluffy and now you got to bring them down earth and go Fluffy's 20 G's. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, but is there another fat Mexican out there that we could say, you know They are a fan of comedy. Yeah, I don't even if they're losing money Yeah, they continue to show and I always love working for guys like that. Yes, and I always love

Guys and open comedy clubs that are still like that. You love working for guys like that, you know, because they understand that You know the art form their fans of it How could you get mad at the guy who you know creates an environment for you to make a living doing something you love to do That's a fan of the comedy and the art form. It's I love working for those guys That's like, you know, there's a lot of guys you work for that number one. They have when you get to that club They show up on Thursday listen If you think after 20 years, I'm gonna watch a comic five nights in a row if I'm the club owner

You got rocks in your head Okay, I don't want to see it from the comic. Yeah I've been here for 16 years working every fucking night banging out with comics. I got a kid in high school You know, this is the essential comedy club owner. Well, you talk to now when I go to a club You know, like you get a survey from the airlines now You satisfy when I go to a club the first thing I look for is Thursday night, right? I want the owner to show up, right? If I fucking worked on Twitter and social network and gave the podcast Sell this place out. Yeah, I expect that you see you there shake my hand

I don't give a fuck if you show up the rest of the weekend. I'd rather not have you around with your tired ass Because I'm gonna be sparking in here, you know, I'm gonna be doing what I do. I don't want you around but I like those guys I like those guys that call you Friday and go if you need something call the club manager and he'll drive you to whatever Yeah, I don't need anything. I'll Uber. Yeah, but I like those guys that goes into the package for me It's not the money. I'd rather make less money and get treated like a human being and for them to understand You know, when I go into a comedy club and have to stab sister me I heard the podcast with Jimmy Schubert That that means the world to me. Yeah, you know, me and Lee used to do a podcast at a club

Where every week the lady would call me she didn't know what a podcast was And I sit to leave we're never coming down here again because I can't deal with somebody When the height of podcasts doesn't know what a podcast is and managing a comedy club Yeah, I'd rather not make that money. I'd rather avoid that whole fucking situation Because if you're a fan of comedy you're a comedy club manager, how don't you know about the podcast world? Yeah, dude It is the single thing that has made comedy clubs come back again is the podcast You would go to comedy store. You got three shows or so out. It's because of the podcast He's people talk about that place. It's I mean, it's right sold out of it

I mean, how are you like you said, how could you to be business? I can't I mean what the fuck it's like somebody go somebody's looking at that, you know You're your comedy special you're trying to sell it. Yeah, I watched a couple minutes of it So did you not watch the whole fucking thing and just a couple me watch five minutes of is that enough? Maybe it's like it's weird. It's the same thing. It's like, you know, take a minute I think I mean, you know, how busy are people? Well, here's the thing the comedy podcast brought comedy back because People got to meet who we are now. Yeah, people get to see the real you, you know

For years, I thought, you know for years, I thought like I said, I was a fan of that guys And I saw him do HBO specials and I saw him do young comedian specials and then I worked with him and I never fucking paid attention to him again and Now people avoid all that you know, what's in my heart, you know, what's in my head? You know, my opinions aren't certain fucking things. Yeah, you know, they know People don't come to a show very rarely anymore. Do I see somebody get up in the middle of my set and walk out? Ten years ago people would walk out by the dozens. Yeah No, now you found you found your family when I did the wrong as you are. Yeah, people would walk out by the handfuls

By the handfuls, I still know they know what they're getting. They know what they're seeing They know who they're coming to see, you know, I still remember one particular weekend in Atlanta Before laughing skull. He had a big club Do you remember before laughing skull? Yeah, it was it was it was like an amusement thing I'm using and the guy rat was able to pay the comedians with the coins He made off all the music games. Yes, yes, because that place was packed But the comedy club and it was like he didn't care if the audience was he just I don't remember it was fucking crazy Yeah, I remember going in there right after the lonely shard on the way in

People were touching me Taking like in those days people didn't really bother you for pictures, but people like doing different shit Like we can't wait to see it and I still remember getting off that stage and those same people looking away. Yeah, I Still remember going to all those rooms and just walking people by the handful Well, you know, I did I tell you the truth, you know Your kinesis used to do the same thing I would remember as a dormitory the comedy store before he got his fucking before he was, you know, he would fuck I want you to take the names of three people who died

There were close to you just write down the names and three seconder and then put on a napkin And and just hand them up here so I could wipe my ass People would make a fucking beeline for the door like they never like but you know, but that's what happens until you find Your fucking groove, you know, I mean, I mean people like, you know now the people are coming to you want to come see you They know what you're doing, you know, I mean, but it's so funny like people go like how people come to a comedy club And don't like Google somebody and see what they do and they get upset in the showroom going I didn't know what didn't you fucking Google? No, but three I seen three famous walks. Yeah, the best walk I ever seen was One of the best walking a room was James Inman out of Seattle, Washington

Yeah, no James. I've been around for a long time. Yeah, I've heard that name crazy crazy motherfucker would walk a whole room He would walk half of it A blonde little cute thing from Seattle and they just walk around but then walking Bremerton one night like walking dirty people Wow, and then but the walk the best walk Out of it was Stan Hope 98 Seattle, Washington They were walking out in packs of threes and he would yell at them and go hold on before you leave I want you to hear this tit-fight joke or he would say something to me. Why are you leaving?

Come on, you know, you're gonna go home and fuck her up the ass and put your dick in the face I mean, he was insulting them as they were leaving. Yeah, that was fucking classic like they were walking out in threes Yeah, and just I love that dog just but just the not giving back to give a five That's a complete different gift. No, that is I mean, dude, I watched fucking bill But I was at the show in Philly with bill Burr got fucking booed I'm always getting booed by like 10,000 people and just Fucking going at him like fucking just like This sheer information he had about the city of philadelphia and their sports teams and their losses and

Just jamming it down in the throat. It was fucking brilliant Like just people were have to be were loving have to be But it was fucking great. I'll never forget. I was watching I was looking at dom and dom goes He's got 11 minutes left. But just after that bill Burr, I got 11 minutes left and I'm doing all of it I was just fucking dying to what balls that fuck but it's it's fucking great and I love that What are the options? You can't walk off the stage because you lose. Yeah, it's a psychological loss You just lost it's you in a microphone against 300 people Yeah, dude, I was the first guy out there when they started fucking booing me about fuck

I'm sitting there taking fucking haymakers. I'm trying to take him haymakers A couple minutes till I fucking realized I go these motherfuckers are booing I didn't realize they were fucking booing at first and then they're fucking booing and 10,000 people and your fucking family should be audience And I know those fans if I go fucking off on these motherfuckers I was always supposed to do like eight minutes anyway And so I said hey, thank you guys been great But the minute I fucking next to you know, the throwing fucking bottles at my head

That's Philadelphia, bro. They threw batteries. It's fucking, you know, they throw batteries at people They blew Santa Claus. They're horrible fucking people. Listen. I just want I said, thank you Great I love Philadelphia Yeah, I do too. I mean with my heart. I belong in Philadelphia. The way I belong is in all of Mexico My thinking is of Philadelphia. I think of when I think of Philadelphia, I think of getting off the plane and seeing

Joe Frazier's jamming my dick in hard Yeah, that mentality that Joe Frazier mentality. That's the mentality of the city. Yeah, I remember their football teams I remember going there to see the stones. Yeah, I remember going there to see black Sabbath the video You know, I spent a lot of time at glassboro college I spent a lot of time at those stupid cheese shop places Which I have no fucking idea what with their names were then or whatever Oh patching geno's the cheese thing. Yeah, this is 80. This is 80 81 82 83 I was in Philadelphia 10 times a fucking year

Then when dr. J went to Philly forget about it. Yeah, I learned Philadelphia I would go to those games at the spectrum And save the coupons because if they scored over on in 25 points, you got a free hamburger At the corner joint and then there'd be a thousand fucking molyneans and Chinese people you got to weigh it up. They got a free cheese burger Do you know what happens when you give away a free cheese burger in Philadelphia? You know what that's like? That's like bat bat day at Yankee stadium where the red socks are coming You're just inciting a war. You know what I'm saying? You're just inciting a fucking war

but What is well known about Philadelphia that I don't tell a guy like you is In the 70s They already had a jail At rfk state or jfk stadium as a courtroom in the jail a courtroom in the jail This is this is just to let you know people In the 70s if you look at all the biggest world tours of rock musicians The first night was always philadelphia

Why to get it out of the way To get it out of the way We're gonna get tortured and let me tell you how back I go with philadelphia just to tell you motherfucker as I go back to philly July 81 look it up and google me back or whatever if i'm right or i'm wrong the day dear It had to be july of 81 80 black Sabbath With ronnie james d.o. Sammy haygar before van halen And somebody else

Philadelphia i'd never seen this before my fucking whole life at the age of 17 18 They were spitting on their fingers They were clam on their fingers and flick the finger spit at you I was in sixth row at black Sabbath And the first five rows were just people spitting on their fingers and flinging it at at sammy haygar Sammy haygar's on stage Fucking evading spit Okay, so I put all these things together in my head that you can't sing in philly

The football didn't they hit somebody with a battery at a football game? Yeah, they threw There was a one of the house cowboys. They thought he heard his neck. I think it was maybe jew piercent at number 88 I don't give a fuck and he fucking it was like a fucker And they started throwing fucking batteries at the guys they're carting them off like they booed fucking santa claus the granite That was like december 15th santa claus only santa claus one day a year that's december 25th That guy was just a fat guy in a red suit rooting for the wrong team They fucking booed him out of but I mean, they're notoriously fucking horrible Why else would you put a jail like they're consistently number two worst fans in every sport, but

Nobody it's a scrape. It's what dice tape is special. Yeah, which is if they love you, bro They love they love you. They love that they love that's why I love going every year. I go to every year Was it the heaven and now tour? Yeah August 9th of 1980. Yeah August 9th they they spit at them Did when ronnie james deal took the stage they were booing them They were throwing that on drinks. Yeah, they fucking and security couldn't can't even control you We did that's where the my buddy. In fact, we got to the show with like shitty tickets

That was like a whole fucking day. We got to the show with shitty tickets My buddy left and came back with meta tickets He finagled 18th row for six row center And then he came back with these qua ludes that weren't really qua ludes They were these long purple things. I go don't What's wrong with you? You know, it was acid He came back with these thick acid. I go it looked like a little marshmallow that somebody spray paint the purple

I go, that's not acid He kept saying i'm telling you it's acid He did hate two of them and during the show he passed out So on the drive home, we kept telling them those are purple qua ludes and he was pissed. I'm telling you those weren't qua ludes That's a little acid. Why the fuck did you pass out here? So for years every time he come to me and go shoot But it's got the best coke or something. He go, oh, you know, it's got good coke We I go, why don't you the guy did the purple qua ludes in Philadelphia? He never lived. Fuck you

It was i'm telling you that was the best acid I ever did Did I remember I was going to Go downtown these They'd shave pencil shavings and they'd sell the dudes for like, you know, that's real good weed, man It's like a Mexican rum, but it was pencil shavings and these second stupid kids would buy it because they never know What the fuck a pot looked like and I go you ripped it you got ripped off again. You idiot talk i remember being in philly And snorting coke we had the trunk open for that black saboteur The trunk in those days you put coolers in your trunk. Yeah, and you went to a concert and you tailgated the same way you tell

We had the trunk open. Yeah, we had the two coolers out getting pre-show buzz on we had the car stereo on heaven and hell We're hanging out. We had a little bottle We were the plan was to go to philadelphia and then drive to seaside heights and spend the night on the way back That was the plan. So I had one of those little brown bottles filled with coke to the fucking brim and the next thing, you know fucking uh car poles up and the cfbi And they throw us up against the car and they go through our shit and that bottle was in that dog It was in plain sight. They were looking for bootleg t-shirts

uh Because people were selling bootleg t-shirts back there and they just they were looking for the FBI or some shit Fucking they didn't miss it. They missed a brown little brown bottle. They didn't touch that little fucking bendle of death It was the one it was the days When they had the little bottle with the spoon at the top. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember. Yeah, you get it all One man happened one man, bro. It was a guy with the bass drum and a cymbal on days Oh, yeah, it was a one man back then they sold the kits Remember they sold them they started opening up the kits. Yeah, and the kit was like a a wallet. We it came like a wallet

Yeah, it was a little I had that little a little like green. It was like an off-color green When you flip it up a little Then there was a green thing right and there was a scale that was tiny That was accurate as fuck. Yeah, bro. Those things were a little scale. How'd you come to your house? What was it to say gram to no three grams the way they bought it had a fucking and a little Alligator clip on the end of it you put on the thing and you'd hold it off your thumb and it would weigh down like it was just So that was the weed one. Yeah, that was the weed one That was the weed one

There was a weed one that you put on your thumb and it hugged down and it would be perfect And you put the bud in it and it would weigh perfect And then they came up with the green one The one that was compacted you put in your pocket and you took it out and you could weigh coconut and put it at whatever It was good for eight balls grams. They had a digital readout That was also pretty good. No, I never got to the digital readout That was one and then we robbed the high school And we robbed the science lab and we took all the triple beam scales. I was like a big shot

I teach you how to come to my house. Listen, you got to give a couple of them back Like they cut a deal with us and you keep dirty But you got to give us dirty back. You can't leave us without triple beams We were walking out of there every day without without with a triple beam scale One day I go one of my walking out We went to the high school. We took all the triple beam scales two days later camel breath George McGrath One of the fucking crazy teachers might have listened right now. Just give us after scales back I had to show everybody had those triple beam scales the fucking down

Everybody had a scale at the house Lee. How crazy is that in the 80s? If you didn't have a scale You went like an outcast like if I went to your house Let me get a scale. Okay. It's in the back room There's this famous story that was like I was with uh, it was one time we were at the back in Crestill days And there's this guy named magic this middle eastern dude There used to be like, you know, it was the guy would be able to get sam stuff You know, he's like he's kind of like a deal his name is man But I watched this guy one time he had it to control. Now. What year is this? This is like shit 89 now

He was arab was yeah, he was a guy remember that's and there wasn't a lot of arabs around No, no, so if one arab showed up, he had to be really cool. He had a show with diamonds and coke Yeah, yeah, you know, but he was one of those guys. He was sam the arab and did a last jody arab in new york Because I tell him yeah, so basically it was cool to be arab in the 80s So this dude this dude has a bag, but he digs his two fingers Digs him into the he like tore a page out the first time I've ever seen this done I go this is going to be a scene in the movie. He tears a Page out of the magazine like almost straight falls into like the perfect triangle makes a bendal on

Then he looks in the freaking bag and he fucking eyeballs. He takes his two fingers in He grabs a bitty fucking looks out of the eye. He throws it in the freaking bendal You know a bit a little more like I did he just died in eight ball Then like there was stuff on the end of his fingers. He just like I mean he just folded it up and he goes here Like take that and take that over to St. Louis. It was like he eyed an eight ball I've never seen anybody do that before in the front seat of a car I go from like, you know right out of the bag into the bendal into the thing

If I knew what was in the bag, I could hire an eight ball Yeah, and it could be off 2.5. Maybe yeah If I knew I had if I knew I had seven in the bag, I could hire an eight ball If I knew I had 14, I could hire an eight ball, you know, I could I could hire You could pretty much I yeah, I could hire it take some out I was just a young kid. I was like, you know, I probably like 26 or 27 I saw that guy do that. You know, man, that's amazing. How long have you been doing comedy for now? Jesus probably started and I started in Philly. It was like coming up on 30 30 years

Yeah, but I did you know Don back in Philly or was No, I didn't know Don back in Philly. There's a couple I knew Keith Robinson back in Philly and who Todd Glass back in Philly I knew like, you know, those were the kind of guys that you kind of started with, uh, you know some and Yeah, but I only I did comedy for about two years in Philly I was going to go to New York and I said, well, if I go to New York Eventually I'm going to have to go to LA anyway And I go I got this, you know, and I because I wouldn't you know been performing like, you know, basically like my whole life I was doing fucking magic when I was 11 and 12. I got like three or four shows. I'll bring it up

No, bring it up. I so won't so then and then I went to I hit 18. I just went to clubs for a couple years and headed out this way Because I knew I was gonna if I went to New York, I was gonna have to go to LA anyway So I just said let me just skip out the middleman and just go to LA and then I started working at the I showcased for missing like two weeks later I didn't pass but I got a job at the doorman the night they hand the night that Tony Clifton Was supposed to appear in a man was like a year after Andy Kaufman's death

And I mean Tony Clifton is appearing at the main room in the comedy store and everybody thought oh fuck Andy It was a character that Andy Kaufman used to do this Tony Clifton guy They thought Andy Kaufman was like a year after his death. They thought it was gonna be and that was the day I started working as a doorman They needed extra people because it was crazy and it was really Bob Zamuda dressed as as Tony Clifton because So but all the media thought it was Andy Kaufman playing a joke on him and he went up there and his fucking I never seen any leg and the guy was on stage like probably 15 20 will start walking people He's flitting like cigarettes and people throwing drinks and people this character Tony Clifton was a fucking nut bag

Empties the fucking room out and that's people were walking out like well we felt like you know It was just hilarious But ever since then I started working at the door and then eventually we got passed as a as a like non-paid regular I could do the belly room. So probably like you know 86 87, you know, that's where I started Yeah That was big when Bob Zamuda. I never got all that by the way. No, I never did either I mean it was because your Andy Kaufman used to do this character

And then when he would do it like about halfway through doing the character Andy Kaufman do it He gave the character to Bob Zamuda and said you do Andy caught you do and he said you do Tony Clifton from now and you just here's the thing because they were dressed up It was a big deal You know, everybody knew that Andy Kaufman was doing that character. They didn't realize he had handed it off for him to do So a year after his death When Tony Clifton's make an appearance at the main room at the comedy store Everybody thought this is where Andy's gonna. This is where he's gonna tell everybody didn't really die

They thought he was like playing a joke on so but it was fucking crazy. It was insane. That's like, you know Bob Zamuda to this day continues to do The Tony Clifton character, which is yeah, he does it around town. He does. I've seen him at flappers I've seen him. I've seen him do it in in Chicago at the one of the Chicago comedy festivals I mean he's just I mean that's not like a big thing because most people don't remember Andy Kaufman used to do the character It's way beyond like like you should have dropped out like years ago, but he still does it I mean, it's it's the stupidest thing like, you know, it's just like at one point it was good He would actually try to do a show but he's been in the comedy store in the main room

He does Tony Clifton. He has the singing girls not recently But they're probably like maybe two two years ago three years ago. He was doing it I mean, you know people, you know people get the backstory and they think it's kind of fun, but Most people don't even know who fucking Sam Kinnison was let alone who and even though Andy Kaufman The big enough body work most people don't you know the younger generation. They don't have any fucking reference They don't like no, you know, you got to turn people on to Sam Kinnison They go back and look at his YouTube stuff go out. That guy was fucking great. They don't know him now He's been dead for 26 years. I got the Sam Kinnison foxhole

I went to look up something on young comedian special Oh, yeah, and I watched Sam's set and then there was something from I watched something else like a longer one From hell or something. Yeah, and I was fucking howling. Yeah, let me tell you what happened About an hour later, I turned off the thing When I think I look a soda something must have been 11 30 at night I went back on social media and I checked my Twitter and the first tweet that came up was

Hey, how fucked up was kinnison? at that taping in vegas That fucking go how creepy is this shit some guy out of random on twitter? Wow New Year's Eve said this to me. I went down the foxhole. New Year's Eve. Yeah, I was in the mood for dude New Year's Eve. You don't even know how crazy that was. I mean he had scheduled three fucking shows Dude, he was like when we did like we did the universal amphitheater in freaking That show and he had like ginger baker on the drums. He had cc deville from poison It's fucking david lee roth was there. I mean it was like a fucking news

And then we all go to the van eyes airport jump on fucking lyre jets fly to vegas for like a 3am show I mean that was one of the years he did it but kinnison also did like he was 3am show a 3am show in vegas bro And but but that's the one where sam was so fucked up his brother bill's doing the countdown from behind the curtain Damn because his brother bill because like sam was so fucked up. They didn't even want to do the show But they you know, they got him on fucking oxygen. They got him breathing I mean this is after like three this is after like staying up for like three four days in a fucking row Like you're saying your fucking room service bill is 7500 hours for three days just in booze and shit

I mean, dude, he didn't I mean believe me, bro. That was like I mean that was it, bro I did that that one trip in vegas. I came back and I started going to fucking a a meetings. I said i'm done I'm fucking done, bro. I mean I was I did I had to get a cat scan. I thought I had brain damage Go today in comedy no that behavior No, it doesn't it can't go. I'm you know, I'm glad it happened when it did bro because I mean Joe, you know how fucking look how hard you fucking work. You can't do that shit. You lose fucking three or four days I mean, it's not I told li that if I was still doing coke li would have been here Waiting for me 10 times. Yeah, I mean, it's not even I would have been calling you go only I'll be there in 10 minutes

Yeah, it's just That's 6am podcast we used to do Yeah, there's no way it would last it would have lasted 90 days It's insane. Do I think about it sometimes or I get I get physically oh when I think about the amount Of drugs that's just the fucking people hanging out the fucking all these fucking like it was just kind of like like creepy You know, I mean the fucking kinesis was my body man. I got put fucking great moments in my life I get to do the spectrum in philadelphia open forum in front of 6300 people. I mean this guy was fucking you know

I had a I just felt fucking bad for the dude, man. You say you say, you know, like you go to comedians today are prepared for success It's like nobody wants to be that guy. It wouldn't fucking play. I mean look at looking You know and god rest their souls But the you know, chris farley's and the and the guys that you have the john belushi's and kinesis. It's like these mitch head bergs What's that the mitch head bergs? Yeah, I mean guys that you fucking were I mean you just killed the it's not It's not enough to be fucking a great fucking comedian

You really have to be prepared success when it comes and just some of us are you know Just taking some of us, you know longer than others I mean I was I learned how to learn how to become a professional you have to learn how to do these things and sometimes It's just you know, I mean I always think back on freaking kinesis like what would he have done and I do the exact opposite It usually works out my big I'm gonna go my big fear was not getting high Because I wouldn't be funny Like for the last three years of my cocaine life

I was at struggle with myself. Yeah, because I really it's like being that fat guy and you get a bunch of work But your doctor tells you need to lose weight. Yeah, and you lose 100 pounds and you stop getting rolls You know the fat guy no more. Yeah, well the same thing. I was really concerned about If I stopped this cocaine thing, you know that the funny will not be there anymore. That's part of the whole Craziness, I thought that was really ingrained in what fueled me Yeah, so the fear that fear was what kept me from stopping From maybe 2004 on I wanted a quick cocaine. Well, yeah, but I'm like I can't do this. Well, it's interesting I mean, I think, you know, you're such an authentic human being. I mean some guys

Uh, you know like like us. I mean you sometimes you there's two versions You either fucking drink and and do the cocaine the fucking to fuel the fire or you fucking Try to put the fire out with using drugs and cocaine and sometimes, you know, some guys I mean, I don't know I I feel it's the same way. I just see and I just had to come off it I just I just didn't enjoy who I was on it anymore and I and I think I wore out of gear because You know, you do that stuff. I just I I just couldn't do it now I just think I just all I just think of is like, oh the fucking time. What do you do after a show?

What is your ritual after Thursday night Friday night and Saturday night show? Well, usually I get up at six o'clock in the morning So I sit there. I literally I really try to have a really great show on Thursday night I get you know, and I need you to get up at six and go do media So I go home right home, you know, I drink a bunch of water and Get up and do my media and just plan and know like what I did on those shows before to try to do some new How about Friday night when you get Friday night and Friday night? I just relax. I just you know, I You smoke reefer you do his annex. Do you do in a pot cookie?

Yeah, I do I would do a pot cookie that would put because it's kind of helps me sleep That's why I really do it. I mean, I would do uh And then and then just get ready for set for for me It's all about working on the on the material now the high for me is going doing great You know come up with some new bits and so that gets me excited more than anything It's come up with a new bit that kills me. I got in the new 20 minutes in the front of my act that I just I just kind of got working I mean the first bit you come out gets a round of applause in the second bit in the third

And I'm excited about that. I can't wait for this. How do you feel about that today? Like We had this fucking stupid excuse It was a fucking excuse that oh, you know Well when a comic go performing it's offstage Yeah, they're adrenaline. They they have to keep the high going. It was this fucking bullshit that I bought into also I'm not gonna lie to you. Yeah, but I'm gonna debunk that bullshit right now. Yeah first off Yes, you need that needs something

To take that edge off when I come offstage and I have a great set. I'm ready to fight somebody Yeah, I want to stab somebody in the fucking lawn. Yeah And then you talk to your peers behind stage a little bit and you go out and take pictures or whatever And then you go back to your room And your mind starts racing, you know for me my mind starts racing That's why I bring the vapor with me. Yeah, I roll the extra joint when I get back to the hotel Yeah, you know because that's my night to be loose. You know, I love my friday night in comedy my friday night in comedy I don't have to get up

Yeah, the next time right yeah, you know, I don't have to do shit Yeah, all I know is I got to beat that hotel breakfast by 11. That's right Okay, I could make it down there by 11. That's all I need because even if I go to bed at four I'll be walking around at nine and get up at nine and drink a cup of coffee in my room I hit the vapor pen to get the appetite going And then you definitely join. Yeah I roll the joint sometimes I'll wash my pussy. Sometimes I don't want a dirty pussy I just wash my hand put some monkey juice on it

And then look at the temp top before I put viseen in my eyes I eat that breakfast downstairs the two eggs the two slices of bacon one piece of wheat those a couple of oatmeal I go around for a walk around the name, but I blast that fucking number And then I go back upstairs and I put on something on narcos. Yeah until I feel a little tired I take that nap till two and I'm good Yeah, so that whole debunk of the wool we need to keep the party alive That's just an excuse

It's bullshit actually I lived off it so I could tell you when I go back into the green room I take a couple of fucking deep breaths and I let it fucking go I mean, that's the biggest thing I do is let go of that fucking energy from the show because it was a fucking show Just kind of fucking calm down go out there I get a nice fucking big bottle of water or maybe I maybe I have a drink one drink And then get the fuck out or say hi take pictures and get the fuck out I mean, I'm not about keeping the party going I gotta do stuff I think I like you know how those nights where you like fucking knock back like four or five drinks

You just you lose the next two days, you know, you're sleeping a little bit. I guess I can't I can't afford to do it anymore, you know Like you said, it's not taking care of yourself the recovery time the recovery time. Listen I couldn't handle hangovers That's 35. Yeah, exactly. I was already puking blood. I would go to that fucking miami wet willies And I drink those red drinks. That's just a cat. Call a cab all the cab And I'd be fucked up. Oh, you know, I saw twos and say davin area davin elliott merrill's How are they? Oh, dude, the merrill's boys are great. They think you know, I was in west palm

And I thought about them the whole time And they they're such good guys Dude, I was just down there hanging when we had we had lunch there. They're good. They were paradise point hotel Paradise point hotel brother those guys with it. I mean those two guys are great man, they're like they're from the old school, but they're they're 20 years And they still haven't made that movie and And they spent millions they got millions those two cocksuckers

They both walk around squeaking those new brothers. They fuck One plays tennis all day the other one quit smoking pot. Yeah, so now he don't smoke pot. No, no He was a fucking big pot. I mean the moment you went the paradise point was a hotel in Oh, yeah, South beach. Yeah, but they still have it. They still have it. You know, they're being beat But they you know, they're the reals that they're very low-key, but they like you said they live like doctors And they look like doctors in west palm. I think the father had invented the tennis racket He's got more money than fucking, you know, and they were just these two sweet brothers. They were tremendous. I mean, yeah There was a time where like, you know, they you can't hang out with those guys are too carry it

Oh my god, you went there. I would stay in Miami. They give me a room at the hotel for free That you could walk to a bodega Where they were at there's a movie called empire one of the worst movies you'll ever see It's got john leguizamo and a couple other people who Madonna's husband's in it It's an interesting movie if it's late night, you buy yourself an hbl But the scene where he goes to Miami to shoot the guy And he meets a guy and he tells him the guy tells him to spit the gum out of his mouth when he goes Why he goes put the gun under the piece of the table the gun's waiting for you

It's like me calling you go and go in the filly and the piece when I get there And all of a sudden you go meet me at this bodega that bodega Was walking distance from paradise point and they sold Cuban food by the pound lee You have no idea. I would get Fucked up till six seven in the morning Get up at 10 and walk over to that fucking bodega a bodega That had tremendous Cuban food And they would get one of those fucking containers like you get a childlings. What's that fucking chinese restaurant?

So when you get the five different orders, you know, they will put black beans on one rice packing in Oh, yeah, I remember that joint. It was great Oh with a side order of fried bananas and two or three cans of coca-cola and I'd walk back to that hotel And I'd inhale that food smoke a joint and go right back to bed every room that has a different theme Yeah, they're like the pirate's room. They got like the fucking that those one was the sea Where was all the sea creatures right the sea creatures all the rooms had their own theme But they had like eight rooms down there and dude doing and they had a rooftop patio Rooftop during the season all the models that were down there shooting would stay there

So they all these beautiful girls these skinny hot Sexy european models would come down there and then every afternoon would be a roof in the part and then they play guitar They go up the roof party and montrez would sing his you know plays music And he's made montrez as well as black singers that would make white girls pussies go crazy Yeah, you could bring out the panties. Oh my god montrez was fucking brilliant. Yeah, he was he's great You know he still lives in the basement. I think yeah, they still got him living in the office Montrez is one of those guys that Fell between the cracks and it happens in comedy. Yeah, and it happens in music and it happens all the time because

Just something didn't click. Yeah Well, it's it's like anything else. I mean, you know, it's like, yeah, you're right. It happens You see all that stuff you see with music you see with bands is for the you know Comic-com on the young one was has been a fucking same. I know he could sing he still can sing, you know a couple weeks ago I did a thing about My first 10 years of comedy I came on the podcast and wrote it out I really thought about it because I just wanted people to know What you need to go through, you know, I went through the first three years where I was just tell people

I was a comic and I get on stage once every two weeks and yeah I would improvise not every material and then I finally found love with it and I attacked it and then Then I moved to LA and I felt bad after it because I re-looked it over And I didn't mention you one time And this is why I'm having the other podcast today to apologize to you Because there's nobody who helped me out when I got it more than you. Oh, really? Like yeah, like I remember talking to a certain comic up at the store one night And I don't know how you and me connected and you said don't talk to me. He's a fucking loser

And then at that time you had just gotten your first deal When you came back from Montreal and the guy from NBC came up to you. Yeah I mean you hooked me up with your manager who I just spoke to the other day Jeff Katelyn who I love so I love Daly You taught me the ropes. You even gave me a briefcase To take my notes And notebooks on the road with me that I just recently threw away When I moved to the valley because it was such a beat-up suitcase. Yeah, it was all right, bro But it had so much tradition

Yeah, like you had like you had put 10 years into it It was like a suitcase to have your headshots and resumes Yeah, well just because you don't want to take it seriously because you're coming out here You know people don't get it's like it's a really kind of like when you're out on the road and you're traveling You're touring it's like playing college ball But when you get to LA and even though it's a fucking it's really kind of running with the pros because you're gonna You're gonna have auditions and you're gonna have shit You go this isn't a fucking game anymore and you're competing some of the best people

You just got to have your fucking shit together a little bit No, you schooled me and I want to thank you. I wanted to take your time Dude, it's my pleasure. I remember you was you were taking acting classes on monday's at the improv With that dude who was like a high-level acting coach. Yeah, he was he worked with comedians specifically I want to say Krakauer. Yes, Bob Krakauer. You got me. I I couldn't afford that guy, you know, wasn't that acting class It was Jeff Chenna. It was Jimmy Fallon It was me. It was Kathleen Madigan. It was like, you know, there were some There were some fuck Todd Glass was I mean some heavyweight

Like fucking comics at a time and he was specifically worked with comedians and trying to do that book everything with that I love Bob Krakauer because I he was he got what you did he goes and I would work Like if I had an audition I could work with him in class and then go do it later on Amazing him and the woman named Karen West. I mean, you know, look, I got little parts here I got bigger parts here. I got some but you know, people don't realize that collectively you get that fucking money from Shaw and you get residuals and you get your insurance and you get the fucking bank at a credit union You get benefits from the fucking union that you didn't get would fucking stand up And so I was always like, yeah, I gotta keep my fucking feet because it's just it's funny that I learned that from you

Yeah, when I by the time our crew our paths crossed I had already realized that I was not going to get any love as a stand The stand-up cards were not not at that time Montreal didn't want me the improv didn't want me. I couldn't find the manager. Yeah, dude I couldn't find an agent. I mean it just and you had books. You had book go Yeah You had just book go and I just what year to go come on. It came on 99 99 I was I was hanging with you before that. Yeah, we were hanging. I was hanging with you before that

But I booked that fucking roll. I mean, I just got back from the barrack my my 12-year-old cousin Joe Casey passed away and I wasn't in the fucking move for the Hollywood bullshit And I went in and I had a couple auditions that day and they called me back for it And I just fucking through and I just fucking did my thing I really put all the food a chair down. I kicked the fucking chair a couple times I was like, I supposed to fucking freak out. I just fucking turn around. I just walked out of the fucking joint And you know gitlin our our our amigo calls me and he goes You're in first position for that fucking movie

I went big deal because I was still in the middle of doing the fucking development deal thing I was trying to get a fucking tv show on so I didn't give a fuck about that movie go as a fucking brilliant Fucking cult classic. I used to work with the Doug Liman the guy who directed that but it was like I mean, it came in a really fucking shitty point in my life But I got the role and I was like that's when I started to realize but yeah I mean, you know, you you don't realize is a community you can still get these things if you can audition Well, you can get them, you know, you and so yeah, right because you got the deal first I hung with you

I met you when you were in the process of the deal. Yeah and trying to find out go to Hoy's walk You would always buy me lunch at Hoy's walk On our sunset in La Brea We would smoke a joint we go back to your house And then you also discovered that I was the real deal when I called the the quarterback that we were I was I made my chili. I made my fucking chili. I had the world class You were watching the game and you were calling the place to all the place John always going to run this thing in a Monday night

Oh my god, are you called it? He was called up and and that was the play where he jumps in he gets hit in the back and spins around I go watch Elway's gonna run this in I was calling the play because I knew Denver so well It was like I was watching Denver for years. I was there when Elway got drafted I was there. Yeah when against Cleveland when he made the drive against Cleveland I knew Elway like the back of my hand. Yeah, I knew that he had to get the right team Dude, I knew I did dude. I knew football and you were like three-point this motherfucker. Oh, I knew I knew that Legitimate I knew them by this time. Yeah, I was watching you used to collect book over there

We were watching for the booth for the first so I would watch I would watch The Broncos till the end. I knew Elway's, you know, I still remember when they won their first championship I cried Because I always knew Elway was a winner when I heard that story about how The Yankees went fucking the guy went into the meeting And Steinbrenner opened up the cabinet and left field was Elway Yeah, he goes. I don't care about fucking football

That's my team in two years. I want John Elway because Elway could They had this baseball player and it's a baseball baseball player. So if nobody really knows the story It's very interesting. There's he got signed of San Diego. It was a scam. Oh, they scammed everybody They scammed everybody. First of all, it was the biggest football draft ever for quarterbacks. It was Elway marino Uh, boomer Siason, it was like a big fucking draft And fucking you got to watch the 30 for 30 because I'm not giving in any justice Right Elway got drafted by the Baltimore Colts That's what it was and he didn't want to play for Baltimore. He's like, I'm not going to Baltimore. So Steinbrenner

Cut a deal with him. Steinbrenner goes, listen, I'll give you half a mil. Give me a quarter of a mil back You say you play baseball. I send you up to fuck up there for a couple months. Just play baseball for a few months Forget about this whole thing and then I'll sell you a Denver. It was like a kinky deal But Elway the rumor was Elway could step Elway could step on the warning track with his left foot And without moving put it in the catcher pit That was that was the rumor that Elway could get a ball And just fucking launch it and put it right in the catcher's mitt

That was how good Elway was but he couldn't hit He was phenomenal. His arm was great. He could field Something he really I don't know the exact story. So that's what they did. It was a scam Steinbrenner the king jew that he was because Steinbrenner did not take shit from anybody He got involved And he got fucking what's his name? Got him on there. Yeah, you'll take yourself one. He got him on the fucking team They did something and then the Broncos picked him up

And that's how the Broncos ended up with John Elway And John Elway got tortured from day one and Denver. They didn't like him because they were a football town Yeah, and then they started winning but then he lost four Super Bowls or something like two Super Bowls or three in a row They got killed against the Redskins the only black quarterback to ever go bananas Yeah, once against him fucking Pete those racists in Denver were going crazy Oh, Doug Doug Doug Oh, that's a plate from washington. Yeah, uh, geez. I know who you're talking about. Yeah, he never played football again

Well, yeah, he never got the credit. Kkk showed up at his house. Whatever the deal is But I mean, you know, Elway did one boat two years to Doug Williams was his name He played for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and they went bananas on the Broncos that guy never played again They went to his house the next day and said you're playing football again. You embarrass white people You destroyed white people. We will never fucking let you play football guys He's coaching fucking high school football in the witness relocation league. You think I'm fucking kid Well, you know, I love I love that Elway towards the end of his career wins back-to-back Super Bowls Oh, no, he was a bad mother, but that's what I'm saying like you don't ever get that one

No, no, but also love that he also got with Peyton Manning and got him to go out Well, he got surrounded with enough good players and he got a second ring on his way out and I mean he wasn't Peyton Manning of Years before but always do have to manage the game because that defense was ridiculous But I love that he got the second Super Bowl ring playing with You know Doug Elway is the you know running the front office of that team Sorry to go off on the fucking whatever, but it's true. I know because of you I got into an acting class

Because of you I did what you said You know Three out of ten comics are gonna have a pension Yeah, three out of ten comics walk around with no insurance. Yeah, you know three because they never Really thought of the acting side No, I Didn't want to be an actor. I didn't start off to be an actor But I thought it would be a valuable tool in my tool shed

Yeah, I knew that somewhere or another it would help me on stage make you better stand up Make sure by the stand up when you act and then Comes the day when you incorporate your stand up Into your acting and now you're acting it becomes a fucking like I don't do a lot of things good I don't fuck good. I mean I'd be able to cook a fucking steak But I will tell you what I'm very good at is going into a room Yeah with four people and fucking them up. Yeah, and it's because of the original room I give that credit to the original room and cold reading workshops. Yeah, you combine that together and you got something special

Yeah, I mean because dude, I look at all the all the roles I've done I've got a lot of fucking roles and it was just going in straight up auditioning I didn't know anybody I didn't have a fucking famous uncle. I didn't have a famous dad I mean you had to go in with three hundred and eighty other fucking actors and do the best fucking reading you could The competition side of that got me fucking excited. I mean there was a there was a there was about six months With me and Billy Gardell if I didn't get the job, he got the job if I didn't get the job He got the job. I got the job. He didn't get the job But for six months, we were going for the same stuff and then one time

We're just coming around a corner or Warner Brothers and he comes around going to go Shubert Have a god now I go, but you know that friendly competition makes you better. It gets you know, I mean I mean if I didn't get I want to know if my friend got it But but like you said that that acting stuff I never I knew When I first got here, I cannot lie to you or to the audience when I first got here. I had a mental

competitive naturally But to succeed I had to eliminate People as competition. Yeah making my comrades. Yeah, because you you're competing against yourself. That's what I do usually What I did for years was when I get an audition I made as a cosmic karma thing for me I would call somebody who was my type and say did you get a call for this? And then we go. No, I didn't you gave me a couple calls like you're raging. Yeah Even though I wanted that role

I would call people just for the karmic energy That's great to let people know that because you don't know what they're looking for. I'm the same way You don't want to give me the job Don't give it to me. We give it to Lee. Yeah, you don't want to give it to Lee. Let's give it to the agustino Yeah, you don't want to give it to the agustino. Let's give it to fucking rogan You don't want to give it to rogan. Let's give it to hinge clip. Yeah, but you're gonna give it to somebody in my family Yeah, you gotta give it to somebody you're gonna give it to somebody in my family And that's how I thought when I went into those auditions. I eliminate everybody. I got no competition this time

Yeah, I don't I have no ill will to no comic anything at all. I agree with you I always feel when lee gets a special. I just got up I feel because I hang out with lee. I just got up. That means I just got up My friends wins are my wins and you have to have that attitude And if you don't in this town, you'll fucking you you'll when I see a hater We brought like a piece of fruit for the inside out when I see it when I see a hater I giggle because I know they have no future. Yeah They just signaled out their own future themselves. Yeah, I told him one day

These open mic as you hang out with you go to lunch with them through it. I don't want you hanging out with them Because they don't know what they're talking about and they're hating The same way I hated at that level. Yeah, because at that level I hated Because you don't have what you want So your frustration it's hate brought on by frustration. Yeah Now when I go for an audition the first guy calls nick tutorial Nick you going out for this pizza guy. No, I didn't You know, I call I would call Vinny Kerr though. I would call

Another friend of mine that me and him started together a mafia role. I'd rather you get if I don't get it Yeah, you know, I'd rather one of my friends get it. So absolutely that helps you As a karma level. Yeah, because you know what people are worried so much about getting the fucking job They can't actually go into the room and be who all they ever get paid because they're trying to give them something What they think they're looking for you got to go in and not give a fuck about any of that You know, I don't even care about what you do in the audition. It doesn't look. I'm already going in Look if I get the job great if I don't find I'm not fucking attached. What do I lose? Yeah, exactly what I was meant to put on this earth. That's exactly the acting is a fucking cherry on the sundae

That's right. That's it's a cherry on the sundae Yeah, so I don't give a fuck if I get it or not. It doesn't matter to me. I started as a dirty comic. That's what I am Yeah, everything else is background music. I know for a fact like and I tell people this I don't want you to be an actor Yeah, but I'm gonna stand up. I just want you to have the tools. Yeah, so if they do call you You don't look like a fucking Johnny Jericho Yeah, and they will call and they will call eventually somebody's gonna call you one day You're gonna look like Johnny Jericho because you had to do the work because you didn't do the work And then you're gonna blame it on them and then be it's like when I first went to the south to do comedy

They don't like you in the bible belt They didn't like me in the bible belt. I'll never come back. That's what a loser says Right a winner says I'm gonna go back there and make them love me. Yeah, I gotta slow down my acts like Elvis in Vegas Right, let them fall in love with me first. I can't go for the finger bang I gotta kiss him in the neck and tell him I love tell him I love that song he wrote I love when you sing bedfoot And then you go for the finger that's it and it's like a fucking finger bank No, but it's but it's you know, and I gotta tell you I've always I feel obligated to like, you know guys are coming out

They don't get that I always feel obligated to help because you know how many people did that for me Like people fucking took me aside and say you got to do this. You got to do this You got to do this you got to do this and know all those things And and over the years this cumulative help that people would give you and I feel obligated to fucking pass it along To my friends that people I think that are worthy to have ability to have talent You know, like you said, I'm not I'm the last guy to get envious or bitter or job I don't have it in my heart. I don't have it in my heart, man. I root for fucking everybody I root more for the guy on stage that he you know, because it doesn't make it who is some there's somebody

You know, they put the work in they've been doing it 20 fucking years I mean, I think only another comedians realize the the effort and the tenacity and the fucking grit and the guts It takes to hang in there even when you think it's all going wrong and still believing yourself and still do it And still banging away and then you fucking look back and sometimes it's ours I don't stop to sometimes just breathe. I have to look all the way back. Wow. Look at all the shit You're able to do look at all the study. Yeah, sometimes you're gonna stop and Give yourself credit. I just saw you in that movie the other night. What's that? I've been thinking about you for a month. Oh, because I saw you three times in the matter of a couple weeks

I saw you the no king of queens, right? I saw you. I saw your mr. Mrs. Smith Yeah, about two weeks ago when I go, I got a call shoot. Yeah, it was two in the morning the other type of guy could call I don't give a fuck I called you in east coast. Yeah, if you're sleeping you're sleeping. Who gives a fuck? I was thinking about That's great. Yeah, I did that freaking uh, did that uh American nightmares on uh I was on cinemax. I was on now. It's on demand but people have no idea Danny trejo's in it Go was being filmed when go was being cast. Yeah

How much heat? That movie had already from the script. Yeah, like when that script came out Everybody was trying to go out for the movie go There's certain movies that come out in this town everybody's trying to get people know And every I mean everybody Was getting in to go. Yeah, I still remember having a specific conversation with a comic Saying that he called the managing office and the manager wanted to sign him and then he gave an ultimatum I'll sign with you, but you got to get me in for go. Like that's how big people knew it was going to be

Scott wolf jaymore. Yeah Katie uh The young girl that's cuter than the fuck she was dating Doug Liman at the time Sarah Polly Sarah Polly Katie Holmes Katie Holmes or Bill Fickner wasn't it? the girl uh from Allie McBeal the blonde girl was uh, what's her name? She was on also on the 30 rock Yeah, that a fucking amazing cast and it tay diggs was in it

Uh, you know, there was a there was a it's a big cast. I know English guy from fucking. Yeah, that's menascu That's menascu was great. I mean, you know hunger, but uh, jimmy duval jimmy duval Who also wound up being in in the movie? I did on cinemax where I ran over the fuck you doing jimmy duval but uh, he was in it that that and uh, Yeah, it was crazy man that that kind of like really gonna Really kind of solid if I didn't realize how big that fucking movie was it came out and went against the matrix It's a cult classic. It made like 19 million over the sun I'm probably like probably more now worldwide, but it was a great fucking ensemble cast to be part of the

Doug glime and he also put me in fucking mr. Mrs. Smith there for but I mean you get these little fucking jobs These little things and like you said, dude Well, the guy who played my dad screaming freeman I used to call him he played the dain in fucking Miller's crossing was a fucking that guy was the coolest Fuck like his old fucking marine and we were in his fucking trailer and he says you smoke potty So we started we smoked nobody started giving me acting lessons Like you know when you're filming over your shoulder you're taking left eye you put it against my left eye So open yourself up to camera give me like five or six great little fucking cheats

And I'm fucking high and I and I think are you guys ready for it? Oh, shit And it was just a pickup shop, but it freaked me out. I ran out. I read it fucking five movies It's just a look of you know all of my favorite actors is to study them and shit And he goes and ever since then ever on the movies that when I went working high you go They call it acting lessons You want to get some acting lessons after the fucking martini shot But these guys but he kind of took me under his arm and kind of told me about these things and we worked at these scenes And it was so great to have a guy like that

Doing your first big movie and the guy's kind of giving you all these little inside cheats On how to be a better fucking actor and stuff because you think as a comedian You're always kind of playing to the back, you know But film just registers thought so you want to keep it tight That was a nothing scene. I did but I never did it again for the rest of movies Like I came in there serious and I had to work and I said, oh, I would only do it after we get done doing It's really weird the people we've liked the guy that gave me acting advice The first time ever

And he didn't give me bad advice like he just fucking tore into me about it was james cobert James cold. How fucking weird is that? How great is that though? James cobert, bro. That's old school shit though. That's cool. What's fuck like I had to say nothing to him I got there. I shook his hand Alan Stevens got me the job You know james cobra. I shook his hand. How you doing nice to me trying to say nothing He goes you want to run this once or twice? Yeah, let's run it once or twice. We did it And he goes look at my fucking hands

Because he had arthritis and shit and then we just fucking rehearsed the scene And then we were doing it and while we were doing it He said to me that I had natural instincts Like this is when they move the cameras around you. Yeah, you're standing there like johnny jerk off Yeah, you're standing three feet from the fucking greatest mother fucker of all time We're trying to keep it together study with bruce. Yeah study with bruce late He was one of bruce lee's mortars. He carried the casket I know just you don't even want to bring it up like the first dad and say look

The first dad and say no and I took his advice. He goes are you an acting class? I go yeah, he goes get the fuck out of it because they're gonna ruin your natural instincts. Wow. I go done Did you start with jimmy d stafano? At first jimmy d stafano remember jimmy's I took a couple classes with jimmy d stafano The first guy I signed what was a guy that was very good He just hated comedians because he had a bad taste dice This guy was over on gardener and sunset and

When he found out it was a comic he Worked me hard and then one night I said well, what the fuck is your problem? This is a new york guy He goes I was one of the first guys to ever work with and the dice clan. He fucked me over on uh On the movie he made I'm making the grand or whatever it was. No the big one the cattle back one. Whatever the one Oh, well either poor fairly. Yeah something happened with him and dice

So he goes I fucking hate stand. I'm coming the class was on monday nights So monday nights was the hottest night in LA in those times jelotino night the laugh after and the fucking Show at the impromptu freaky monday. So how am I gonna so I would always have to do my scene and leave frank magna That was my first acting teacher. I did not book anything with him. I did not get what the fuck he was saying. Yeah Then I did a black guy that had hiv He was over on gower and those little huts. Yeah in between sunset in the hollywood boulevard, right? Some comic took me there

But I just thought of his face. He's way long gone. He's somewhere married, right? He took me there to a class on saturday and I fell in love with the guy and that guy Taught me That's who I had when I got the call back with billy gardell for the travolta movie, right the one about the fucking the singer, right? It was me and billy gardell there that morning. Oh, I was all coked up Me and billy is sitting there And it's a director from drugstore cowboy and travolta in the room

And me and billy had a read he was either gonna be me and billy. Wow, and then they said fuck it We'll make them both stand up comics So me and billy were up for the same fucking role and next thing, you know getling goes you got this Go to miami when I was in miami. I got a call travolta decided to do the Scientology movie instead Oh, wow So the kiss of billy gardell even bit me in the ass at that time because billy was kicking ass at that time Yeah, billy had just booked four episodes of that law show Oh, yeah his own show on mbc got paid up. Yeah. No, he was in the black dude. That wasn't any good

billy gardell was booking but everything he booked was wrong for him like it was just like a stretch of Billy just that was having a hard time. He was booking But it would then he booked four episodes of that law in order. Yeah with no the show on abc on sunday nights That was huge. I think I built the studio down in Orange County you had to go down the Huntington beats to audition down the block from boston market They only shot four shows down there. He had so much. He was married to michelle pfeiffer or somebody. Oh david Yes, he had so many shows going on at the time. Yeah. Yeah, he just told abc I'm not leaving on ain't them beach. Yeah build the studio down here. They were all for

So they would shoot all four of his shows down there. Wow. What's his last name david lee, maybe david subton Yeah, but are you all right? He was he was right now. Lee mcbeal Right, right. All right. He had four fucking shows at once dawg. He was rocking it. Yeah, and he shot his show out there And I'll never forget that That was the same week that I was going into the spider. I went all week I would go down there and I'd see billy guard down go guard fucking damn it But they were looking for three different mobsters four different mobsters So we all had a shot, right? And he was telling me to get to the next quarterback fucking billy guard. Oh

What's good though? It's good competition. No, but it wasn't a competition. I'm like, fuck The kiss is dead. That's it because at the time billy was the kiss of death Everything he fucking was in would get canceled. Well, it was always a bad role billy shot Before billy got that show on cbs. No, he was unlucky. He was lucky. He was in the show the other the john the anthony clark and The anthony clark show we did like fucking probably like 13 episodes of that show with uh anthony clark and uh, Michael michael michael malley michael malley. They weren't that show before king and queens on cbs Yeah, he had billy had a billy's had a great fucking career actor michael malley

He's done. He was in you know, he's the manager in the jersey boys. I mean, he's you know, billy's worked a lot billy gets it, you know Great kid too. That happened to a better fucking god. Yeah, no question about he was struggling for a long Well, everybody is until you get those first couple breaks instead, dude. I was doing lojoya Listen to this bro. I'm doing fucking lojoya. I'm gonna call saturday at 5 p.m Can you do this fucking movie from our boy rick bronson? Who runs the fucking clubs you go? I gotta go shoot me. I got this director. He needs somebody. He's an amazing fucking Idaho, Idaho falls. Did you shoot that dude? Yes, you were supposed to get it. Yes, you couldn't do it You couldn't do it. That was a west palm beach. So sunday. They call you friday. How great's this?

So he calls me saturday and says, can you be on playing on fucking sunday? I flew up sunday and they they fucking got the got the hotel the plane ticket. Everything's right I'm fucking all day shooting with hopper pen. Sean punson in this fucking movie. It's already had five or six offers on it Uh called puppy fucking love the director michael maxis is a great fucking guy. We great guy Shoot all this fucking stuff and that scene frames the movie. It's the beginning movie. It's all throughout the movie It's all these little stories. It's probably going to premiere in south by southwest But that was a role that you were supposed to fucking do they wanted you he goes He called me friday. He called you and he called me saturday

I would have to thank joey this for not being able to do it. I was a west palm beach. They called me friday They made an offer friday I thought about it I go, so when do you need me? They go monday. I had 20 things on monday. Yeah No, I was just about to sell that show to fox. Yeah, like i'm right there like I had those meetings with writers I had uh, yeah, I had something and I had something that monday Because when they first called me they said we could shoot it monday or tuesday the latest

There was something going on still and I go monday is going to be hard but tuesday So I would have had a flown from west palm all of a Changed shit. It's 11 pages of dialogue too. It was a fucking it was like a monster where they would that was like Oh, shit. I mean that that whole night. I got there if saturday I flew in saturday sunday night and I was just fucking working on those lines the whole thing and he was great about it And he goes against, you know, he goes I needed somebody to anchor the scene

So I mean I wasn't his first choice, but it didn't make a difference. I got the role I meant that I meant to thank you for that too because it goes, you know, it's uh Shit man, you know, you it's the movie's already a kick-ass fucking movie these scenes were just reshoots for him So he could get the fuck because he wants to fucking premiere it He's been editing it for a year and a half with sean pan and fucking michael matz and rosanna our cat fucking Wayne newton There's a bunch of fucking cool fucking soundtrack things in it. It's a killer It's like far as gump except the other direction where the life guy where far as gump has an amazing spectacular life

This guy's life is filled with freaking, you know Hookers and crack pipes and fucking all this shit in another direction It's and puppy love is such a just like such a fucking like it doesn't but i'm telling you the guy's a fucking great Movie director was great to work with a michael maxis and I think this movie's gonna be a big fucking deal It reminds me of go. It's the same kind of vibe as like go, but this guy And so yeah, it was a plane To utah Another flight to eye the whole springs where I got a warrant

Yeah, and then I had to drive for an hour. Oh, yeah, I'm like, I don't know I don't know. I got a bad back as it is plus the six hours from west palm up That would have been a whole day of flying. Yeah, dude. I don't fucking know We know what dude it is, but I had the thing on monday, but I'm happy you got it. Yeah, I'm happy I'm happy. We're just what we're talking about. I know that's what I'm saying I just I did it was fucking karma because it was like one of those things because You know, I came at a right time for me and I just yeah, just fuck. Yeah, you can what what I got to lose Yeah, I could do it. I get they let me out of the show on a sunday night at the lawyer

Which they never used to do a sunday night show down there before but now I guess they're cooking with gas So they do third it's the friday saturday sunday show So they let me out of it went to fucking i'd o falls got the fucking part worked on all day Then hung out with like a charm penskin hopper pen we hung out went out for drinks afterwards and jumped on a fucking plane flew to philadelphia where I did the parks casino to the wednesday nights I literally had that gap sunday How great is the parks casino? It's great. It's great right there. But so I do that that's seven minutes from mom and dad's house that parks

That's the neighbor like we're up and out there. Yeah, yeah, dude. I love it. That is that was tremendous. Yeah That was I'm going back next year. Yeah, it's a great. I'm going back. They were made an offer and I said absolutely Yeah, like I loved it. I loved everything about that. Yeah the drive there everything was sensational Could you land you got a drive the guy took me there for some cheese shake Place and I didn't even know yeah You get there was a steve princess steaks up there in front of her. Yeah. Yeah, dude You got to take a hot shower at that's the best one of the best cheese steaks ever It's right around the corner from parks and it's like this real gooey

But they use the real like cuts like like thin cuts and like prime rivets like delicious It's like one of the best best steaks I've ever had and steve princess steaks Which is about five minutes from where that joint is park casino tremendous No, I don't try I thought park casino that was where I fucking just got off the stage and went into the audience They were that crazy. Yeah, like I didn't even go on the green room a big fan to joey. Yeah, my nephew's listening to your food They're crazy. They're crazy Philadelphia's crazy. That's why I love it. That's why I belong there Like whenever I go there I go say some crazy shit I watch I watch Eleanor on stage

Talking about getting fingers on the mortise pier I almost puked he would laugh and sore. Yeah, what's mortise pier? I was down a while with new jersey Everybody goes down the shore. It's like one of those things is like, you know, it's uh It's like said everybody goes down the shore Everybody went down a while with new jersey for the summertime. He come down there You know, my grandmother would pawn her jewelry so she could get enough money So we go down the fucking shore for two weeks as kids and we would go down there and spend time in like, you know Long port or fucking so where's mortise pier mortise pier is that wildwood? Yeah, it's like, you know

That wildwoods, you know, all those fucking, you know, all those freaking Wow That's like part of Philadelphia culture the mummers scrapple all that Philadelphia shit soft pretzels Fuck a wildwoods every bit of part of that go Let's get down on the boardwalk and play play play the shoot shooty shoots for a quarter I gotta say fuck a case of shave, but I'm drinking shave for beer Or like, you know, when you were a kid growing up and the boardwalk and all that shit comes flooding back And she got finger-bagged under the mortise pier

She said that I lost my shit. I didn't know what mortise pier was How funny is fucking Eleanor Kerrigan, dude. She's fucking rocket. What is that story? I love it, dude I love that she you know, I mean, she's fucking really tremendously uh Fucking how much the watcher go from the the waitress of the comedy store If I could do a wwe and the stuff and they actually go open for dice now strong She's become as a as a comedian. No, it was like a fucking sister to me man. I fucking love her dad She's a she's a sweetheart. She's got a heart of gold

Yeah, me too. I mean, I but I mean she I just love watching somebody like her gets so fucking good and so funny And dude, she's fucking my to follow her once I was working with me in La Jolla. She just fucking She's I mean, dude, I love it. I love it, dude She mean you believe 30 years you're doing this I know that's a fucking 30. What five 30 no 30 fucking years 30 years. I mean make a living like a professional I mean it could have gone either way. I could have gone. I would have doves up my ass and on my sleeves I could have gone into magic, but I went into fucking comedy and I I'm like you I feel this is exactly where I'm supposed to be I mean, I love making a room full of people fucking laugh

But there's a thousand people or 200 people or 14 fucking people. I don't give a shit. I love it I love being able to create comedy. I love being able to take control of room and just make people laugh So that they fucking pissed themselves I mean, there's nothing better than that I mean, you know, I mean people come up when people come up to you and go they grab me by the arm and say I haven't fucking laughed like that in so long. I fucking needed that I mean, you know, I don't ever take that for granted I fucking I just to be able to do that is a fucking gift and to be able to touch people and move people with your fucking jokes

And something you created and write comedy and you don't know there's somebody in the audience I'm thinking about killing themself. Maybe they lost their favorite aunt Maybe something's going on in life and they come in there sitting in front of you In front of you for 45 minutes you get to make them laugh and before you know it They forget about all that shit and they walk out and they're going god damn it That's real power and it's healing and it's fucking everything. I fucking love and I just Dude, it just feeds my soul and I believe I'm exactly what I'm supposed to be doing Making people laugh to me sure, but I feel in my heart. You want to attend top comics working

to that That's fucking nice you to say that bro. All the confidence in my heart. I could tell you that because I know what you've been through You know, I watch these guys. I think this is a fly-by-night business Nobody pisses me off more on these fly-by-night comics They get the comedy for all the wrong reasons. Yeah, you know, you're a guy that This is 30 years and take every year how it comes and I get better and better. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, imagine Imagine doing this for 30 fucking years. You're gonna get good at it Eventually you do the same move for 30 is hammer nails. Good. You're gonna get really good at it

I feel the same dude watching fucking you and I remember I remember all the fucking old nights at the fucking original room And the fucking, you know, I'm watching you go up there and fucking annihilate, bro You are the most authentic fucking voice in front. I did I watch you do the fucking just fucking slaughtering You're fucking hilarious. You are authentic. You are true to who you are and you're doing it's the same thing Man, it's like fucking you watch guys who put the time in and pay the dues and you just go man It's fucking amazing. You know, which one of them I'm getting booed but I got booed at a buffalo Oh A lot of fucking places to get booed on, you know, it's it's it's those things that you remember forever

Yeah, I don't mad tv was a great experience for me. Yeah, do I wear like a badge of honor? No, I did two episodes. I tell you what I wear that bombing and buffalo like a bad at giovanna because It made me who I am today. Yeah those bombings those beatings They either take you out of the game Or you come back with a rosebeam sandwich with horseradish and they suck my dick and call me shortly By 10,000 people before I fuck a mom and dad in my hometown It was like fucking he lifted a kettle off the fucking

Sheldon temple and now you can leave because there's nothing you're ever going to do to me in a fucking comedy room Or a comedy place or anything that fucking that was as bad as fucking that getting booed in your fucking hometown Or from your friends like yeah, you can't do anything to me in a fucking comedy club That's going to hurt me like that you can't I'm not fucking nothing I got fucking six brothers. My old man was a homicide detective. I got one feeling and I fucking dare you to hurt it I mean, it's like, you know, I mean when you go through you would do you wear those things with a badge of honor It's like I can't you can't do anything to me as like, you know, it's but it but it's great You got to get those those it's like you said all those all those

Worst nights and they're the things that build up your foot. You know me like you said you sort of bet I mean all the winds are great too, but still you know those bombings are great the special you come on you shot at flappers Yeah, you shoot it about last year. Yeah, I shot of the about a year and a half ago and You know, we had to like do all the posts for it through the color correction. I financed the whole thing myself I did the whole fucking thing topped the bottom myself. I got the guys that shoot it. We went in there We hung curtains hung lights. I just want to go in there and we shot it in 4k It's called the zero tolerance and it's a fucking straight up fucking hour of fucking stand-up comedy

We could come up with a cool little opening for I really like the opening Yeah, because the opening so the opening is just a fucking like, you know, it's like in this day and age Like the things people get fucking upset about now. It's like you're overreacting to all this shit That's why that kind of like diffuses the bomb, you know, you're It was being censored by social media and and Oversensitized as being expurgated by the political collect correctness police. It was like that that opening is just like, yeah Fuck it. It's comedy man. I mean Jesus, dude. I was watching Rodney Dangerfield or like an old youtube thing I went down or Rodney Dangerfield rabbit hole and I go man. If this motherfucker was alive today

He's fat shaming people. I mean, you could could you couldn't even fucking be Rodney Dangerfield today? I mean, dude I fucking It's just it's just funny like some of the stuff you see like do you think kinesin could get away with the stuff He was doing back then. I mean it still holds up But I mean just with the climate and how sensitive people become it's fucking ridiculous I I'm 56 years old February 19th, right If you think

I give a fuck about your feelings anymore. Yeah You got another thing coming. I'm gonna talk to you. What's in my heart? Yeah It's so fucking weird that I don't give a fuck. Yeah, I'm with you. I don't Can I an apologize for fucking anything? Fuck you. It's like, you know The thing that we love the most is gonna kill us And that social media You know

I use social media for something completely different. Yeah, I don't involve my political thoughts. I don't I don't involve my Views or my opinions. I involve what I'm thinking. Yeah, and I want you to think what I'm thinking today If you want to make it through today, yeah, you better fucking go drink some cough medicine Take a vicar and grab your fucking balls salute the flag and go be a fucking american and go hustle Yeah, but if you're gonna sit there on your ass and bitch, I don't want you around. Yeah, I really don't There's a formula and it works dude. I'm fucking with it work Yeah, it works It's called washing your pussy and getting out of the fucking house

And doing what you fucking love until you figure out how to make a buck doing it Yeah, and if you don't want to do that then lay on that couch and you could cry to anybody the fuck else That's what I put on there the mornings. I tell you my dates and I get the fuck out of that I don't need to take a picture of the celebrity. I'll need to show you my fucking diet I show you what I'm smoking. Yeah, because I want you to know what the recipe is You know what I'm saying? Well, yeah, I'll show you what I'm smoking. I can show ideas like coach Now you get these people that go to a comedy show this listen Social media has just become you know when I go on social media on a saturday

Just to look at the climate. Yeah, and I see those same people tweet and I feel bad for them Yeah, I feel bad for those people that tweet and Proposed on frat. I want you to get off social media from friday to sunday. Yeah, I want you to go to live your life Go live your life. Go have some experience life. Yeah, I'm not new years. I told him right now I go if I was 30 years old, I'd give this pinky up right now to the japanese But for new years, yeah, I give this pinky up if I go on new years eve to a bar Be comfortable do two bumps that have three beers and maybe take a xanax and go home I would have done that. I told I'll at least do something

You cannot stay home. He went he made a call some chick came over some little victim I make this ball and the rest is history. You know what I'm saying whether you like it or not, but You have to live your life. Yeah, I mean, you know, you cannot be stuck all day Well, people do this like they fucking hashtag that they act like they're brave. He was so brave to hashtag it I go fucking go out and fucking You know, I did on christmas, dude It's the first time I've done this I went down to the last factor and I fed those fucking homeless people all fucking afternoon

Because I didn't have nothing to do. I wouldn't go home to my fish I don't have kids going through a fucking break up. I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna go fucking I went down there and are you in the fully chicken done? Yeah, I mean with Jesus But anyway, we're out there, you know, just feeding the homeless people and just uh, you know, uh I mean, I felt so fucking good doing that What did you get out of it? I just I just just I'm not questioning it As I felt about my fucking life. I felt how fucking blessed I was

I fucking I went home and I fucking thank God for all my fucking blessings I got on stage. I told some jokes. We filled their bellies and then we filled their souls with entertainment And I gotta tell you jamie miss out of that guy. He does it on thanksgiving. He does on christmas. It's tremendous Tremendous fucking act of kindness. It was I felt fucking great to just to be a part of it Just to get out of the house and fucking tiffanie haddish was there feeding people And you know these people don't have to do it There's fucking tom jeece and everybody's down there feeding people making sure they're enough to eat And then they went up on stage and gave them a show and I thought well

You there were one day you treat these people like fucking you and beings. I know this is fucking fantastic I mean if christmas ain't in your heart, I ain't gonna find that underneath the fucking christmas tree So it was a really a really cool thing to do. I'll do it every year now on thanksgiving christmas I thought it was tremendous and so but yeah, but you can outside your own fucking shit, you know And that's social media derives everybody. They all think they're all caught up in their own bullshit I mean go fucking go down to the hospital and fucking read the fucking sick kids We ain't never getting the fuck out of that hospital or go feed some fucking homeless people go go to the old I mean go do some real shit. I always say that get outside of your fucking self if you're depressed you get outside

You see how fucking lucky you got it, you know, you know, but it's just uh, I mean I'll be doing that again too on thanksgiving crazy what happened dude if I do he ran over a thousand people through there Thousand people fucking awesome hungry people just fucking having a good meal No, a good meal, but just fucking didn't you know, we treat some like human beings in there Hey, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Give them a plate of food here. Watch your show was just for the kids coming in with toys They had toys they could unwrap it was fucking amazing and he doesn't have to do that. I've been doing it for 39 years I thought I was I thought I was just uh It just I just kind of fucking moved me man, you know, I just thought it was something special

A couple of bums, what's that a couple of 20s on Christmas day? It was funny because Lee and I Eric Rocha went up to Oxnard last weekend. Oh, yeah, we would always have to stop at the 101 by Tonga and Magnolia Riverside there's there's homeless people living under there I mean and I would beep the horn and there was no they weren't in there They just weren't in there. Oh, there was their shit was there, but they weren't them like Lee open the window

I would open Lee's window and go hey and leave the window. We're gonna get killed here Whatever and you make the right hand turn and you hit the 101, right? Christmas day. I got up and I was sitting there. I'm like What the fuck is going on my life? I gotta take a ride anyway And I got in the car and at that light. I finally saw the three homeless dudes It's it's a black chick with backpack And two white dudes and they were dressing up like teddy bears. They were trying to hustle teddy bears So I just beeped the horn and gave me to fucking 20

on Christmas day and every the black chick looked at me like take your dick out Like I'll suck it for 20. I mean I've been hustling for quarters and you just came they had a starbucks. They were happy That's it. Yeah, I mean that's the best I could fucking do on Christmas. You know, I mean, you gotta do something You gotta do you gotta help something on Christmas. I think so. It's that time of year, you know I think you you know and you just sometimes people like if they if you reflect on your life and you look back You go god, I'm incredibly fucking blessed. I mean, you know, am I where I want to be? No, am I gonna keep working to where? Yeah, everybody wants to be somewhere else, but you know sometimes be thankful for where you are You're still alive like my man's like my man says you get up every morning

I'm my fucking habit. Just be awake on the fucking right side of the grass You know, my old man's 85, you know, I'm still lucky enough to still have him So I don't take any of that for granted either. I mean, you know, you just get to do something You love to do you still got a I got a great family. I mean, you know Fucking knock wood man god, but you know, what is a special come on shuber the special is going to be dropping on January 15th People go to jimmy shuber.com and it's shu brt like the theater jimmy shuber.com It's going to be on vimeo demand, but you could just go to my website It'll take you on the vimeo demand and plus it'll be on vimeo, but I'll be tweeting about if people want to check out my

Social media everything's at jimmy shuber at twitter and instagram and everything else will be a big announcement's coming So if they found me on social media or they want to check back january 15th, which is a tuesday I'll be dropping my brand new hour special on vimeo and demand so they can rent it. They can buy it. They can do whatever they want with it but uh I'm really excited about this hour. I worked my ass off on it. And so it's finally coming out and I'm just going Just going right to the people I gotta tell people all the time you tom roads all you guys You guys are the backbones of comedy. I watch you guys and I always learned something like

Uh And one the flip side of the coin, but the coin flips at any time. Yeah, and so I wish you all the luck in the world And I thank you very much for helping me out when I got here Do my pleasure the world to me and now I can do the same for lee and other guys I mean, I do you understand that you have to pass the long part of this is not about talent. Yeah It's about passing out Love to somebody, you know, people have a hard time. Yeah

Fucking bobby lee tells the stories or the back back is that the comedy story? He said he had it eaten in three fucking days. Go. What the fuck are you waiting for? Come on. I fucking took him down the carnage. I fucking shoved the hot dog down the throat I said get something to fucking go to you. Fuck. I've been that guy had to sleep on the fucking roof of the comedy store To fucking sleep in my car. I had to crash a crest till I wasn't allowed up there He was trying to fucking hustle make a living and hang out till things got better I totally get it man. It was my pleasure and that's my fucking pleasure to see you have this fucking huge success That you're having now. I fucking love you. Joey Diaz. Happy new year. Thank you for having me on man

Thank you. Good luck to you too. Don't forget January 12th. I'm at the fucking ice house just working out All the notes have been doing the last two weeks all coming out on the 12th Come on by and say hello then at the end of the month The 20 something. I don't know what fucking day there's the 24th. I'm in bray improv the whole weekend It's the last week of January. Come on out And say hello. I want to thank jimmy shuber for fucking rocking it And if netflix ever does the five

Good guys are coming. I hope you're around it because you're a really fucking good guy. No, thank you, brother I want to thank number one on it Listen, it's january fucking third. You wanted to change your life. It all starts from within writing golds walk and whatever those things you want to do but At the same time you could fucking go over to uh Honored.com and get the party started with this an alpha brain Or some shroom tech there fucking golden seal is the alpha brain You want to focus a little bit more fucking energy alpha brain is the way to go

Listen, it's that fucking bread and butter if you don't like it They'll give you a refund and your money back without the fucking product only on it stands behind their fucking Flagship product like that. So do me a favor if they have that much belief How much belief should you have go to honored.com right now and press in church and get 10% off your order I could only help you with supplements. I cannot help you with kettlebells or fucking bats or anything like that But you know what get them to who gives a shit number two You want to start the year off healthy? You want to start the year off smelling clean and nothing says I love you like a clean fucking asshole. You understand me?

I bend yo I open up those cheeks. I smell fumes of death. What do you expect? Nobody's gonna lick your asshole Everybody wants to lick your asshole, but nobody wants to wash it. That's why you got to go to hello tushy.com Because they got portable bidets that you would store in seven minutes And now from the end the fucking time let me tell you something when you die The car isn't gonna look at your ass and go let me tell you something this guy's asshole Was in good shape why because you got hello tushy.com go to hello tushy.com right now And press in muffler muffler and keep your muffler clean They got a 60 day money back guarantee

But you're not gonna need it because if it's held my fat stinky ass for three years Think what if we could do for you a fucking regular fucking ass Lee have you broken your hello tushy and no it's still there and if it could pump that hummus fly swatting off his neck ass He'll take anything you understand me with I can't I can't even imagine what leased shit The fucking hose taps out the shit now Everything's intact go to hello tushy.com and press in muffler and get a portable bidet installed in your fucking house Buy you seven minutes because remember health starts in your asshole All right, and then you slip back a little bit and you wash the back side of your nutsack

So you don't develop any algae or Barnacles I found the barnacle in my nutsack about four years ago ever since I've been with hello tushy No fucking barnacles I had to go to a fucking shipwelders yard to weld the barnacle off my nutsack Go to hello tushy.com and press in muffler And get that asshole fresh by valentine's day. You understand me. I want to thank jimmy two shoes shuber Go to jimmy shuber.com for a special. I want to thank the christ killing. I want to thank you guys For being loyal soldiers and for always loving me as much as I love you

Take this fucking mule lee See you guys monday morning ready to rock the 7th of january when this shit really gets cooking. Do your thing lee I want to be around To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart as I I Somebody who Will swear to be true as you used to do with me

Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company Wait and see I mean I want to be around To see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits Let's see if the puzzle fits so fine And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet As I sit there applauding from a front row seat When somebody breaks your heart like you

Like you You